#I really want to Go to a book signing
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Fuck it I'm doing the best I can and won't compare myself with others who don't have the same limitations
#I'm so fucking anxious today#Just because of the Ghosts screening Event#I really want to Go to a book signing#But the mere logistics have me spiralling#And now I question If I should have studied abroad and become Not the Person I am today#But I also know it wouldn't have worked because I'm still me#I hate that I can't do stuff that's normal for other people at least Not without a comfort Person#Like Just hopping to a different country on my own for an event#Or travelling alone to a different country without having to Drive#I really want to See West horsley place someday#And the six idiots will have other Projects that will have Events#But Ghosts won't and now my brain ist stuck in an anxiety spiral#The fact that i can't Work for another week doesn't Help#I haven't been this Close to an anxiety Attack in years
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I just learned of a specific moment in the latest Doctor Who episode (I've been too busy to keep up). And if anyone uses it to essentially go 'See! He can't be ace!' or treat it as a 'win' for queer rep like we aces aren't queer...
Folks, we can tell people are hot. We just don't find them hot to us subjectively on a personal level.
I'm not saying there can't be interpretations, I'm saying please don't use it as an excuse to erase ours.
#doctor who#new who#wild blue wonder#14th doctor#asexual#queer representation#look I was coming of age when tumblr was aphobic and moffat really didn't want the doctor interpreted as ace#fans are probably better at treating this kind of thing with respect now but sometimes not and I have this kneejerk reaction#like let's face it you still treat any sign of ace rep as 'not truly queer rep'#*cough* good omens *cough*#*cough* 13 and yaz *cough*#...for fuck's sake 'no kisses means this relationship is queer baiting' my arse#I'm going back to writing my canonically ace character in my book#david tennant
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oversharing in the tags time :)
#i think it’s time i go back to therapy#i keep having recurring nightmares about my ex best friend#or dreams where she reaches out to me. and explains why she cut me out#backstory. in high school had a lesbian toxic situationship with my#bestie. THEN i had another one. which kinda overlapped? the first one was open but also just messy#anyways. jade and i were like together for a year. then she got a boyfriend one day and i had a breakdown#it happened just after high school and i was sooooo … unwell. wasn’t out to my family felt like i was gonna die etc etc#(this is all pre dnp btw) anyways next year i found dnp. a couple months later she broke up with her bf#and we sorted dated for a while (this whole time we’d been just friends and i was still not really over it but hiding it)#and then she dated ANOTHER guy. they broke up and she had a breakdown and moved 9 hours away. i went#to visit her for a month. we like kinda dated again then and i thought we could make it work. then 2020. no travel#so she started dating a guy. didn’t tell me. even though we spoke every day. she moved in with him#then she breaks up with him mid 2021. i started dating my gf. but Jade was clingy and it was awkward#she started dating a sketchy guy who was homophobic. i went and visited her a few times#start of 2023 she tells me she wants to make more of an effort cause he didn’t like her friends so she cut everyone out. then she ghosted#in feb 2023. we had tickets for#mcr in march. i had to text her cause she’d blocked me on messenger and said im going to the concert whether she’s there or not#she said ‘yeah no worries! you can take someone else in my place too 😎’ she used that fucking emoji#and I haven’t spoken to her since. I think she quit her job . and that guy was not a nice man#so I still worry about her#writing this all down makes me realise she was a bitch and I deserve better#but I just want closure. it isn’t fair she replied so casually to my text when I said ‘you’ve blocked me’#it isn’t fair she HAS MY SIGNED COPY OF DANS BOOK#anyways. I need therapy to get over this#and I haven’t even written about my family issues (im#out and they’re supportive but my god they fucked me#up as a kid)#if you read this hi 👋 hope you are having a lovely day#don’t get in lesbian situationships!!!
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if a character in a fictional romance is/was a fuckboy, i need them to be falling to their knees and becoming a complete simp over their love interest. i need to see you become a lovesick idiot who suddenly has no idea how to act around the person you like and who is a complete embarrassment to watch. these are non-negotiable rules
#i'm looking at you biyu su#LISTEN#i recently read one last stop and it was really fucking cute okay I was kicking my feet and smiling so hard#BUT I WANTED MORE SIMPING FROM BIYU!!#i couldn't even tell if this girl remotely had any feelings for august until she confessed#like there should have been more signs bc I feel like there wasn't enough build up or foreshadowing of her feelings#this girl was mentioning past partners left and right and getting excited to go back to the seventies and like BRO WHAT IS HAPPENING#I wanted to see more of her getting jealous and angsty for august I'm sorry 😔#I would've even accepted a post-confession explanation of her behaviours#like admitting the radio stuff was her way of expressing affection and she mentioned her past partners to tease august idk man??#anyways I didn't feel fully convinced of her emotions esp bc she didn't seem to bring up her admiration of august outside of the confession#and there just didn't seem like a lot of times where she subtly or obviously conveyed her emotions#anyways 🤪 lmk if you want more thoughts on the book LOLLL#one last stop spoilers#casey mcquiston#ols spoilers
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cannot believe that in 2007 the eighth doctor adventures writers just decided to put toxic yuri in their show. they did that for me
#not me going insane over 2 minor recurring villains#but literally what the fuck is going on with the headhunter and karen#what if an amoral assassin and a normal office worker decided to become partners on a whim & now they time travel and commit crimes together#like what?????#the headhunter could not give less of a shit about other people and doesn't think karen is useful at all and yet just keeps her around#and karen's like yeah she hates my guts and also she makes me kill people. it's a laugh though can't complain#and i'm just meant to be normal about that?????? huh???????#also the way they both just flirt with lucie every time they see her is so funny#karen's like hey babe!!!! how are you!!!! do you want to join us!!!! while holding a knife to lucie's neck shdjshs#while the headhunter's like ah lucie miller the thorn in my side [saves her life] this means nothing [saves her life] you disgust me [saves-#doctor who#big finish#i've finished s3!!!! whoop!!!!#my thoughts are why does lucie miller keep getting turned evil and can it keep happening bc it's hot. who said that#my only issue with this format is that it's very adventure based. which yeah it's called the 8th doctor adventures#but i wish there was more breathing room for lucie. the doctor keeps being all sad (fair his life is awful) but lucie's going Through It#and never gets a chance to really process anything#also the retroactive continuity errors make me laugh#'i'm 900 years old' no the fuck you're not! you still have the time war yet buddy!#i like to think they're just signs of 8's swiss cheese memory#i hope there's books set in this era. i'm sure nobody will be able to tell me bc they gave up 20 tags ago agdkhsjshsjs
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literally every item except for the pkmn game 😭 which, I should be clear, i am very very grateful for fjkdkl i was actually not expecting to receive more than two or three things, and the frying pan will be immensely useful djdkdl but aough there is a certain disappointment to the game not being one of the gifts fjdjkl
#part of me is like welllll maybe thats a sign that i shouldn't get the game#other part of me thinks maybe i can use the money that i might receive from relatives to get it but. i shouldn't. it should be for grocery#i AM happy and grateful to receive the other items on my list though i really really am fjdkdl#im excited abt the s.innoh gym badge pins !! going to put them on my bag as I acquire them in-game :]#i will match my sona ^-^#and the book is awesome and the scrub brush is useful and the crochet hook is excellent#so overall very good!!! just a tinge of disappointment abt the game but i rly shouldn't have gotten my hopes up fjfkdl#maybe i can use this as incentive to get my ass in gear to work on welfare application fjdkdl#but also maybe i just. shouldnt get the game. is it rly worth that much money that could go towards food instead ... idk 😭#and ofc i could emulate but for some reason i just dont rly want to do that fjdksl idk why#man. clasps hands behind me and looks out to sea.#also congrats to me again for keeping my mouth shut most of the time PHEW im getting better at keeping quiet#sorry this is such a greedy spoiled sounding vent fjdksl i just. there is a little bit of disappointment y'know? even if there shouldnt be!#trying to push it away bc i am glad for the other items fjdkdl and dont want to be a greedy ungrateful goober over a video game#dandy.cmd#vent //
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#Theres some real depression that sinks in I dunno 9 pm on a Sunday#Not only where did the weekends go and what did I do with#(And the answer to that is chores and errands and nothing else)#But like#I get two days that pass by like wind and then its back to a job I dont super want to stay at#And it was my best option after leaving Whitney and now I feel stuck#It feels like Im just a rat stuck in a cage#But no I didnt even get to walk to the coffee shop#I did get volun-signed up to friggin move a big ass couch we sold on FB marketplace#In which Im a bit salty for#But time to myself is like not much#And idk it just really feels bad Sunday night#I dont wanna go to work and deal with Rich#Particularly bc he and I nearly got in a yelling match and I KNOW his ass complained to the store manager#And I just dont like working with him#I need to start hitting the job search and doubling down again#its just disappointing 😕#I feel like this is all Im ever going to be#Like this os my ceiling and all I have to live for is some small windows of time to idk#Read a book or play video games on Saturday Sunday#I feel like Im not living#Sigh#Anyway#Sorry this is too much#Who would ever even want to hear me talk about this#Long tags are long#Long post nobody read
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#random personal stuff#struggling with a book I'm reading today#it's by someone whom I have an acquaintance with in real life#(no one here by the way)#and I very much appreciate her signing it for me#but it's proving difficult for me to warm up to#it's one of those books where it seems that the male and female leads are meant to be A Statement about Proper male-female relationships#more than individual human beings#and I can't say it's a statement I can get behind either#and I feel bad because the author is a very nice lady#and also because this is how a Good Baptist Girl *should* view the subject#so yet another reminder that I fail as a GBG#if I get asked about this I'm going to have to tread carefully#because I really don't want to be a jerk - it isn't right#but I don't think I'm the target audience for this sort of story although I'm supposed to be
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i got one journal and a volume of hxh ^_^
#books are so expensive nowadays </3#i wanted to buy 3 but i had a limit of 70 reais#i reeeeallyyyy wanted a book on sign language#and i found a really nice one but it was 45 reais 💔 so maybe ill go next week and hope its on sale
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Song of the Day: May 1
"Wicked Old Witch" by John Fogerty
#song of the day#it's May now! why does time!#did not finish the work trainings today. did finish setting up the tank for Duncan's frog#hopefully we'll be getting the frog next Saturday so we wanted time for the tank to cycle a while first#today's song comes up in Inheritance by Nora Roberts which I mentioned in those book asks last week (that was last week right)#it's got a ghost in (got lots of ghosts actually. pretty cool ghost setup) who communicates by playing different songs on the MC's tablet#I really love characters like that. very very fun#Bumblebee from Transformers my precious baby <3#also there was a 'dancehall demon' in this witchy cozy mystery I read the other day#not a great book would not recommend but the demon guy was pretty fun. reminded me of Lorne from Angel kinda#if he spoke in his own voice everybody around would swoon so he had magic background music he used to communicate#it's always a neat mechanic#though if it's not a specific line being played as a specific response Bumblebee-style#but (as in Inheritance and the dancehall demon book both) rather the title of the song that's meant to be the message#then it does require the other character(s) in the scene to have a really quick and accurate ability to recognize and name songs#I kinda like the idea of a song playing and the speaking character going 'oh uh actually I don't know this one. what is it?'#and then either they have to pull out their phone and shazam it or some bullshit#or it plays through and they have to wait however long and then if/when the title line plays the ghost boosts the volume for a split second#like fingerspelling the one sign you don't know but much much slower and with more fast-forwarding through guitar solos
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Just came across the worst AO3 comment I've ever seen. I'm shocked, I'm appalled, I have no words. They... they literally called themself "something of a connoisseur", suggested the author take in-person writing classes, listed good fanfiction and said, "This fic here just isn't anywhere near that quality." They made a reading list. With the Dresden Files! Oh my God. (Actually, that was a great rec considering what the author could learn from it, but I can't get past the audacity to make a reading list for someone who literally didn't ask.) They... haha, they assigned a final exam. Which... I mean, if the author had asked, sure, it wasn't a bad suggestion. But this is out of nowhere. The author so did not ask.
This was like... classic Redditor comment. Except I never go on that part of Reddit, so this is all new to me. I'm... I don't even know. I'm reeling. Oh my God.
#thoughts#it wasn't a popular fic either#it was literally the ONE fic I could find for the character I wanted#and I see it has 16 comments and I'm like 'oh that's a good sign I wonder what they say' (this was on a small 5 chapter fic)#and then wham! I'm slapped in the face with the most pretentious comments I've ever read#and the author is nice about it... and the commenter just keeps going...#also: the reason The Dresden Files was so funny to me is that while I agree with pretty much everyone that it's well-written#the type of people who recommend it seem to always be one of two extremes:#either they're really cool fantasy lovers or they're ultra-pretentious edgelords and there's literally no in-between#personally I can appreciate the books but can't enjoy them
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My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.
#text post#like i know why i am awake babe why are YOU awake this late#and god why do we have to do another visit#they aren't bad enough to make me stop this dose and i haven't been on the new dose long enough to let it even out#can i not just Not have to do another uncomfortable visit where even if things turn out okay after#i later feel like I'm still not being wholly trusted/treated like i know my body and how i feel#i had worse side effects restarting this med months ago and we didn't have any additional visits for that#they fucking forgot to even book me for a f/u and i had to call in and beg for one basically#and then they misbooked it for the wrong reason and with the wrong doctor#and made it out like it was my fault when i made clear i begged and told the receptionist i spoke to to book said appt#that it needed to b with my doc for the Lamotrigine and that i hadn't been told when to follow up so i was just. doing it#bc she said i needed to but then didn't say when to book it#they're trying hard and im trying to give them grace but then this shit happens and like#im tired. makes me want to go into my new doc like nah never mind im fine. don't ask me nothing and i won't bug you with anything#unless im dying or nearly dead already.#would suck beyond believe attempting to raw dog life mostly again but goddamn. im so sick of this lack of stability with my care#anyway. probably an appt next Tuesday which is great#that's the week of the weekend that i work again and the week before my bday#(a bday I'll be working now which I'm not normally irked abt but. i am a bit rn)#so cool. yeah. let's stack anxiety and fear over a medical appt on top of everything else for that week#and that's not counting that this weekend I've been tasked with buying and getting signed a v expensive and rare figure#for my mum's bf and I'm kind of terrified im gonna fuck it up#he paid for tickets to the con the figure will be sold at and that the person he wants to sign it will be at#so if i fuck this up he'll want (understandably) to be paid back asap for that#and that's money i don't fucking have rn#i really wish she had waited till the actual day proper to contact me bc i couldn't sleep before this#and now i definitely cant bc like#it's dumb. but what if she takes my med away. it isn't perfect but it works better than any other med I've tried#what if she wants me to try a new one. i cant do that and b dealing with major side effects during the intense work schedule#that'll be happening for me v soon and then into November
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“the person packing your order/ringing you out at the register doesn’t care what you’re getting” false. i care desperately. and as a rampantly curious person if you order enough interesting stuff/have a cool enough name/include your business in your shipping address i AM also looking you up
#there’s one customer in particular who buys lots and lots of cool fabric & trim so we think he MUST be a costumer#but ever time i try to look him up no luck!!! i have been so tempted so many times to write a note asking for his instagram#i want to see what he’s doing!! he bought tons of tassels the last go round. he orders like several times a month#who are you nick i need to know more. but he’s just one of several that i’ve googled or attempted to google#i’m a snoop!#chatpost#i also complain to my coworkers about people who buy really basic shit. like hp coloring books or a sign that says ‘BELIEVE’ in#brush calligraphy. u know. we get lots of those too
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did too many adult things today. hes reading old kids chapter books to cope.
#eca orichird#daily eca#made two phone calls and did financial sht and signed up for college classes and got yelled at and lectured at and im so sad and in pain#im so tired. got a couple things done but im so tired now and my body hurts and i want to cry so is it really a win?#eca reading kids chapter books is very nostalgic for him because its really all he did in the library#oh to stop being an adult. guh.#im going to take a nap.
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I feel like whatever was going on with majima/mirei/katsuya in the early 90s was some sort of complicated bisexual love triangle situation. like majima is majima and katsuya’s handsome and eloquent and absolutely doesn’t seem straight to me, but on top of that it feels like there was some sort of confusing tension between katsuya and mirei, not sure if it was romantic or one-sided or what but. SOMETHING. I don’t know what the hell was going on with those three really but no way in hell do I believe the romantic/sexual/??? depth ends with majima and mirei
#katsuya is HANDSOME and CHARMING and ELOQUENT. I just KNOW at least one of them was into him. probably both#one way I’m imagining it could’ve went is like#katsuya introduces majima and mirei to one another and mirei crushes on him pretty quick (because she is 19 and quick to do so)#majima doesn’t really particularly have an interest in her- not cause she’s unattractive or anything probably mostly because she’s almost a#because she’s almost a decade younger than him and barely legal. but at some point she confides in katsuya about her feelings for him and#katsuya being the sweet and honorable kinda dude he is acts as a wingman and tries to get majima to go out with her#and eventually majima relents because he doesn’t want to end up admitting to katsuya that he actually had a thing for KATSUYA#and by playing wingman for his good friend mirei majima takes it as him being uninterested and thus doesn’t shoot his shot and yeah#katsuya’s hard to say no to and hey I mean maybe mirei- a civilian- will make his life more capable of Normalcy#she’s conventionally attractive and is a decent enough friend- albeit he didn’t really know what she was like as a person before she was#crushing on him and also. again. she’s 19 and an idol. so inevitably her identity in general is NOT solid yet#almost as if rebounding off a relationship he never even Got- things move insanely quickly with mirei and they’re married in less than a#year. the whole time katsuya is there cheering them on- he’s smart and I think he’d see the red flags when it comes to their ages and#maturity at least but I think that’d become more apparent over time and he’d start to have regrets but#it’s way too late for that. especially when she comes to him bawling her eyes out because she’s found out she’s pregnant and she has no#idea what to do. both for her career and because she’s literally barely an adult she doesn’t want a child at that point but obviously she#knows she’ll feel guilty and- more than that- deep shame for terminating. she’s insightful even at that age and also maybe can read majima#well enough to know that he might take her abortion as a sign for him to book it to no longer cause her anymore issues. katsuya reassures#her cause what else is he gonna do. but of course she’s right and his commitment issues kick in big time and yeah. over the years katsuya’s#the in-between still close with both of them. specifically he’s closer with mirei and they trust one another a lot more than majima with#either of them- just because majima’s Like That and his trust issues create distance easily. nonetheless at some point majima asks him if#he’s been single for so long because he was hung up on mirei and apologizes if he got in the way of them and that leads into some really#long overdue admissions and likely hooking up. but of course majima is STILL majima and again kinda books it because feelings are#inconvenient and their time for something like a relationship has passed (or something like that).#mirei often wonders if things would’ve been better if she’d have ended up with katsuya instead but similar to majima she’s career-focused#now and just wants to value him as a friend regardless of any lingering potential feelings. majima ends up falling hard for kiryu#sooner than later and life just moves on from any romanticism beteeen the three of them- a nostalgic closeness lingers instead#rambling#that was. a lot.
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reading this blurb made me realise this is possibly the first time ive ever seen my own life experiences shared by another person. damn
#liiike who else up having childhood meningitis leading to moderate-severe deafness thats disabling but also 'not disabling enough'#exasperated by problems with new digital hearing aids GIRL ME TOOOOO we need to get coffee sometime#im reallyyy curious about this book now i wanna give it a go.. ive been meaning to read more abt deafness tbh#its never really bothered me before bc ive never really thought abt it that much. but actually theres very little lit on deafness#and also barely any fiction featuring deaf characters.... plus when it does exist theyre either a) old asf or b) fluent in sign#when actually like. if youre not raised with sign/dont have access to a signing community its very rare to learn it at all#ive met so many ppl irl across the deaf spectrum who cant sign like its WAY more prevalent than youd think#not that signing rep isnt cool!! but i guess no one wants to write deaf characters who cant sign bc then its not 'fun'#bit of a shame that ive never actually seen that massive part of my life + identity reflected in media like. ever lmao.#i mean ive seen more dyke rep than deaf rep.. which is weird thinking abt it bc deafness impacts my life so much more radically#anyway. might see if i can find a copy on abebooks 👀#Hearing Happiness: Deafness Cures in History by Jaipreet Virdi is the book if anyones curious i just saw it on someones reading reclist#.diaries
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