#I really really REALLY hope 2023 is the year that my work situation becomes more bearable

[nerdnag]

Ugh

[aestherians]

Change and Loss

Word count: 1362

Expected reading time: 10-11 minutes

"If your otherkinity still serves you, it will never really leave you," is what I used to say - more as a reassurance than a statement of fact. I mean, how could I know for a fact that it was true? I didn't have any experience with losing a kintype. I still don't think I do; not really. And I always saw the idea repeated in the community - one time otherkind, always otherkind.

But I don't believe that's true anymore. I'm still a bison for sure. I've never doubted that. I'm still Ɐwhrayɐ the gnoll and I'm still Ben the shapeshifter… but I'm beginning to accept that those sides of me have changed.

"One time otherkin, always otherkin. If your otherkinity still serves you, it will never really leave you"… but what if that's not true? What if you still benefit from your kintypes, and they disappear regardless? What do you do if you lose a part of yourself, or if a part of yourself becomes unrecognizable to you? How do you keep living when you've lost yourself?

Sometime in 2023 the distress of always having to hide my true self became too much to bear alone. But I'm not a brave person. I think the better solution would've been to just bite the bullet and start expressing myself, but hindsight is 20/20. I've survived 25 years by hiding everything that makes me 'weird', and the idea of leaving my one dependable survival strategy behind was (is) terrifying. I went to a free self-help seminar ("Take control of your life!") but all it taught me is that I need a dependable support network before I can take control of my life. I went to my doctor to try and get a referral for a therapist (it's cheaper than just finding your own therapist). Instead he sent me to a psychiatrist for my 'delusions'. The psychiatrist told me my experiences, worldview, and self-perception were unusual but not harmful - they could only help if my goal was to get rid of my schizotypal traits (traits that weren't even significant enough to warrant a diagnosis). If all I wanted was to learn how to conquer my fears and express my true self, they couldn't help. It took months of visits to get the diagnosis: Traumatized by peer abuse, too poor to afford my own therapy, and too anxious and ADHD to even find a therapist in the first place.

I can't even say I was left at square one. I had started out hopeful. Nearing the end of 2023, I just felt helpless.

At the same time, my studies were drawing to a close. I completed my bachelor's degree in animal science and all it took was a diagnosis of ADHD so I could legally buy amphetamines, a compound-diagnosis of autism so I wouldn't get kicked out when I inevitably misunderstood exam questions and failed final after final, and 5½ years - almost twice the expected time for a bachelor's degree in my country.

It should've been freeing but instead it left me directionless. Helpless and directionless - that's how I entered 2024!

In the past, in the strictly structured day-to-day of school, my kintypes have been a source of comfort. Especially my Ben fictotype, which probably fell into the category of coping mechanism. I awakened in a time of intense stress and retreated to that world whenever my present life got too much. When crowds got me overstimulated or I missed an important deadline or fought with my neighbors or drifted apart from old friends, I thought about all the times Ben!me had gone through similar or worse. I cut off a friend in my present life after finding out he'd abused his ex - but in my other life I'd cut off a friend who tried to murder me, and things still turned out fine. I lived through it. I could live through it again. Every situation had a parallel in my other life.

I still don't know why that method failed me, but eventually it did. It's not that it didn't work, it was more that I suddenly had to put an effort into making it work. As if I'd always been able to enter Narnia and now suddenly I had to personally petition Aslan to let me back in. It started in the fall of 2023 but it wasn't until spring 2024 that I fully realized. Coping had never been an effort before, and the worst part is, I don't even know why it suddenly was.

My fictotype was drifting away, even when it still served me! This wasn't supposed to happen! Had I been lied to?!

I think our community has a lot of survivorship bias. Whichever mailing lists and newsgroups get archived, and whatever snailmail gets published, that's what our history is based on. The people who made archivable geocities sites get to write our story - not the people on closed forums or in private chat groups. People who leave the community don't tend to leave behind pristine essays on their fully archived websites explaining why they left. It does happen, don't get me wrong, but it's rare. And when they do leave behind messages, it's usually some variant of "I still love the community that fostered my awakening, I'm just an adult with responsibilities now and I don't have time for this."

But what about the people who don't love the community? Who 'unawakened'? Who aren't passionate enough to leave behind a final message? Do we ever hear from the otherkind who 'fizzled out' and became human - or at least lost a kintype?

You can understand my panic, right? I considered turning my fictotype into a copinglink, but my ADHD is so debilitating I barely remember to brush my teeth - no way I was gonna remember to do daily reinforcement exercises. Especially frazzled 2024 me (still frazzled as of June but I'm hanging in there!).

I was forced to accept whatever my come.

I'm still Ben, on some level, but I won't say "I'm thankfully still Ben," 'cause is it really that bad to not be Ben? Even if that facet had served me well and could still serve me? $1,000,000 could serve me well, but uselessly pining after it doesn't serve me.

I didn't prepare myself for loss because I really wasn't sure I was gonna lose a part of me - and, in any case, grieving preemptively is a waste of energy if you ask me. Instead a turned to the Bison - not my own bison theriotype, but the archetype of the Bison. When one woowoo solution fails, why not try another?

The Bison has always been a good teacher to me - better than any self-help seminar or psychiatrist. The Bison takes everything in stride. The Bison survives until it can thrive. The Bison ruminates on the present, it doesn't ponder the future. The Bison doesn't grieve or fret unnecessarily. It exists in the now. I exist in the now.

Of course, the chance that anyone reading this works with the Bison spirit is slim, but I think its teachings can help everyone - regardless of spirituality.

When turning to other worlds doesn't aid you, accept it, and turn to the present world. Let your worries pass through you, you can't see clearly when you're pent up with worry. You can't prevent the seasons from turning, all you can do is turn with them. Accept your lack of control, instead of trying to grasp at the uncontrollable. Sometimes change is unexpected, and you may not like it, and it might not even open up new doors for you. Not all change is good. But you cannot prevent every unwanted change, and you have to keep living regardless.

My fictionkinity doesn't have the intensity of my first few years post-awakening, but it also doesn't have the casual reassuredness of decade-old kintypes. It comes and goes, and when it comes it's like a whisper. And one day it might become too quiet for me to notice. One day it might not return.

But I think I can live with that.

[archiveikemen]

Jude Jazza 1st Birthday Campaign: Story (2023)

His POV

This is a fan-made translation solely for entertainment purposes with no guaranteed perfection. I do not own any of the original content. Please support CYBIRD by buying their stories and playing their games. Reblogs appreciated.

❥･• Warnings and FAQ

Ellis: Jude, this is…

I had just returned to the castle after work when my assistant handed me a memo with an usually serious look on his face.

“Happy birthday, I have your woman with me.”

Jude: — Ah?

…

— A few hours ago.

Kate: Is it your birthday today?

Kate asked the moment she saw my face. Who knows where she got that information from.

(What a nuisance.)

Knowing what was going to happen, I ignored the question and left my seat.

I had just finished my breakfast, and it was time for me to leave for work.

Kate: I just happened to find out earlier on. Is there anything in particular that you need or want?

Jude: I don’t know, you can go ahead and sing a song or something. Oh, but do it when I’m not around.

Kate: Won’t that be meaningless?

Jude: Do I have to spell it out for you? I don’t need anything.

Kate had become significantly less wary of me, compared to when we first met. I dealt with her and put on my coat.

Kate: Are you going to work? It’s your birthday, after all.

Jude: Will it kill you to not keep asking questions day and night?

Victor: Oh? You’re working on your birthday again this year, Jude?

Victor: Make sure to come back in the evening this year. We’ll be waiting to throw a party for you.

Jude: More like a party for you. Last year and the year before, you threw a party even though I wasn't there.

Victor: Every year, I would wait for you to come back, until the day ended… *sniffle*

Roger: Let’s all get drunk and sing a loud “happy birthday” song in the garden.

Jude: Oi. Don’t put your arm over my shoulder, you quack.

Roger: I hope that this year’s party won’t be missing its main character.

(Tch… all the fucking annoying ones are gathered here since morning.)

Jude: I don’t have the culture of celebrating every little occasion. It’s sickening.

I brushed his arm off my shoulders and was about to finally leave the dining room.

Kate: Oh, Jude, is there anything you want…?

(Did I not say that I don’t need anything?)

Kate: I’ll really sing you a song later! Please don’t complain that it’s too ‘insignificant’!

Walking away from that persistent voice that carried a hint of resignation, I left the castle that morning.

…

(So this is the place.)

Instead of begging for their lives to be spared, those bastards who sent me that memo spat out all the information they had.

True enough, there Kate was— dolled up and lying unconscious at the altar, she appeared to have gotten herself ready for tonight’s ‘party’.

(... There’s this revolting feeling in my chest.)

The people who had taken Kate hostage seemed to have something against me.

It was either they were blaming me for their business going bankrupt, or it was just the usual petty grudges.

Kate only got implicated into this because of mine or Crown’s missions. It wasn’t the first time such a thing happened.

And yet, for some reason, I felt especially irritated this time.

(Crown forced a contract onto a woman who was coincidentally present at the scene of an assassination.)

(The Queen insisted that this woman go on our missions with us, despite knowing what dangerous situations she could possibly wind up in.)

(Even after having her life threatened on countless occasions, this woman still refuses to back down.)

(I myself have tested the sheer willpower and guts she had to keep following me around.)

— All of that disgusted me.

(Where’s the ‘happy’ in ‘happy birthday’?)

(Shit.)

Jude: … Oi, you pleb. Are you dead?

I spoke as I stood there, staring down at Kate.

With a groan, Kate stirred and turned to lay on her back.

The hair covering her face spilled onto the floor — revealing her swollen cheek and bloodied lips.

(...)

Something in the core of my mind turned cold.

Kate: … Jude…?

Jude: … What with that hideous appearance? This isn’t funny at all.

Kate: I’m… I’m sorry. I wanted to get you a birthday present, and when I went out to town after seeking permission…

Jude: Screw your apology and how you got captured. I’m asking how you got your face injured.

Kate: They threatened me for information about you, and when I refused to disclose any—

Jude: You could’ve just made some shit up about me.

Kate: I… I can’t do that. You’re always coming to my rescue before I get hurt. I can’t put you in danger because of me.

The response that was so typical of her only made me even more fed up.

(Ah… this woman is hopeless.)

(If I let her keep this up, she will really end up dead one day.)

In the first place, she was only in danger because of the selfish contract Crown forced onto her.

While I had the right to give Kate a piece of my mind, there wasn’t a need for her to feel any obligation towards me.

(I failed to see that.)

She was thick-skinned enough to still spout those pretty words at me, had a strong heart that became enraged upon being looked down on, and was stubborn enough to stand her ground even after being hurt.

I was self-aware that I didn’t hate those traits of hers.

(But… no one can laugh when their birthday present is the dead body of a woman who was innocently dragged into a mess she didn’t create, even as a prank.)

Jude: You seem to have quite a lot of trust in me, however—

Kate: … ggh?

Kate’s body stiffened when I placed my hand on her neck.

Jude: Do you seriously believe that I won’t ever let anyone kill you, or that I’ll always protect you no matter what?

Kate: ugh… haa…

(Oh, you poor thing.)

(You think that you can finally be at ease after being so terrified just now, huh?)

(But you’re wrong. Shall I teach you a little lesson?)

Jude: You haven’t experienced being strangled to the point of losing consciousness, have you?

Jude: I can make that happen, all I have to do is tighten my grip on your throat for about one minute.

I slowly tightened my grip, putting pressure on her pulsating carotid artery.

Kate: ahh… ugh…!

I pinned her struggling body to the floor of the altar.

Light shined in through the stained glass windows onto her hair and skin, making the scene look almost comical.

Jude: You never expected yourself to be strangled by the ally who just rescued you, did you?

Jude: But killing an ally who’s being an eyesore in the heat of the moment is so cliché.

Jude: You’re just a pleb who knows nothing, and yet you tried to go against those low-lifes with that stupid sense of duty of yours.

Jude: You’re a hundred years too early to do that.

Kate: —!

I felt a slight pain in the back of my hand and looked down to see Kate digging her nails into it.

Jude: Hah, look at you trying to fight back. You make me laugh. Even a little kitten can be stronger than you.

Kate: …!

(... What’s with that look?)

Despite the clear difference in strength between the two of us, the resilient look in her eyes never faded.

She was glaring straight at me, as if urging me for something.

Jude: … At this juncture, what is it that you want to say?

I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of things she would say—

The moment I loosened my grip, Kate forcefully shook my hand off.

Kate: Huff… huff…

Jude: … I’m not asking you to start huffing and puffing. I’m asking what you were glaring at me for.

Jude: I’ll go on if you can’t answer.

Kate: I… I…

Kate glared at me with tears in her eyes while desperately trying to catch her breath.

Kate: I’ve experienced horrible things like today’s incident many times, I’ve also witnessed multiple cruel acts; and every time, I would see you enjoying yourself…

Kate: I know very well that you’re a sadist with sick and twisted interests, a villain who finds joy in hearing the screams of other people.

Jude: You don’t say?

Kate: But I believe that deep down, you’re not heartless…

Kate: You may threaten and torment me like this often, and yet when you see that I’m about to die, you do whatever you can to save me.

Jude: You fantasise about me too much.

Kate: Then why do you always look upset whenever I go on missions with you?

Jude: Because you get in my way.

Kate: What are you trying to accomplish by ridiculing me for being soft-hearted?

Jude: That you're so happy-go-lucky that it's an eyesore and a hindrance.

Kate: ... Really?

Despite my harsh words, her eyes remained focused on me.

Kate: ... You show no mercy to people who are arrogant and take human lives lightly.

Kate: ... But looking at it from a different perspective, you save those who have been tyrannised by them.

Jude: The main point is that I enjoy tormenting those bastards. I couldn't care less about who gets saved.

Kate: Whatever your reason may be, doesn't the result remain the same? And that's why I trust you.

Jude: ... Hah, what are you talking about? Sounds stupid as hell.

Kate: But at the same time, I also get that you're not helping me because I value my life.

Kate: That's why, like what you said earlier…

Kate: I don't think that you'll 'always protect me no matter what'.

Her voice trembled with a tinge of loneliness for a moment.

Even Kate herself seemed to be surprised by what she just said and her eyes shifted.

She lifted her head, trying to cover it up.

Kate: What I want to say is that...

Kate: Even if I'll end up being strangled until I lose consciousness, it won't change the way I choose to act.

Kate: If I do get myself captured and threatened again, I won't say a single thing that would put you at a disadvantage.

Kate: That's all I have to say. If you want to go on with what you were doing... be my guest, do as you please.

(A person's life can be so fragile.)

(Trust is useless when you're faced with evil and murderous intentions.)

Some things can't be prevented, no matter how hard you try.

(That fact is more than clear to me.)

But even so, why was I dazzled by her unwavering determination to keep her trust?

Jude: ... I can do as I please?

Kate: ...!

Her shoulders shuddered when I placed my hand on her neck—

Jude: Pfft.

Kate: ...?

(Putting on a brave front when you're actually feeling afraid. Truly idiotic.)

I withdrew my hand from her neck.

Jude: Just as you said, that was a threat.

Jude: However... it's not hard to snap your neck off. Besides, the kind of people I deal with won't be so kind as to hesitate and warn you.

Jude: If you're aware that I'm keeping you at a distance on purpose, then you should know what to do if you're smart enough.

Kate: I thought of avoiding getting myself involved, but…

Jude: But?

Kate: That thinking changed after I noticed various things every time we complete a mission or run away from trouble together.

Kate: And I don't hate that change in myself.

(...)

Kate: Although being captured this time was entirely unintentional... look, I managed to snatch the identification document of the person who captured me.

Kate: If it was you they were after, then they must belong to some sort of organisation, right?

Kate: The ones who captured me were likely someone's subordinates... so perhaps this might serve as a lead to the mastermind behind this.

(... Geez.)

(This girl is truly a bold princess.)

Jude: Don't get too proud of yourself over such a tiny thing. You're like a dog playing fetch.

I took the ID and helped Kate up.

She then exclaimed, as if she suddenly recalled something.

Kate: Oh, right! There's something very important that I forgot to tell you.

Jude: Ah?

Kate: The day isn't over yet, right...?

Kate: Although I didn't manage to get you a present in the end... happy birthday, Jude.

Jude: …

The innocent and pure blessing fell onto my heart with a thud.

(You went through all that, and yet you can still bring yourself to say something so optimistic.)

(Aren't you going to say things like it's all your fault, or that you're no longer in the mood to celebrate?)

All sorts of insults came into my mind, but none of them came out of my mouth.

Nevertheless, the blessing remained warm in my heart, the same way she gave it to me.

Kate: A birthday song is all I can give you... but you don't need that.

Jude: ...

I detested the 'happy birthday' song.

It brought back memories of a dusty attic that reeked of mould and alcohol; I recalled the hoarse voices of 2 people who kept singing while coughing violently, disregarding my protests.

7 years had passed since then, my vengeance should've been long gone.

Yet every time I recalled that raspy voice singing the 'happy birthday' song, the hatred ingrained in me craved to hear the screams of its prey.

But, right now—

Jude: Fine, you can sing. I'm listening.

Kate: Eh? But... you said that you don't have the culture of celebrating every small occasion.

Jude: I changed my mind. I still don't care about the others, though.

Jude: Just yours is enough.

Kate: ... Huh?

Kate's eyes widened for a moment before her cheeks turned bright red.

Kate: H-Huh...?

Jude: ... Heh, what are you blushing about? You simple minded woman.

Kate: Wha... d-did you just tease me again!?

Jude: Who knows? It's obvious that you're very fond of me, though.

Kate: WHAT!? I am not...!

Jude: Yeah, yeah. So, are you going to sing or not?

Kate: ...!!

After being at a loss for words for a brief moment, Kate started to sing.

Her voice was too soft to echo through the church, but it lingered in my ears longer than any other blessing I had ever received.

Birthday Letter

[reallyhardydraws]

2023.

i hope any of you reading this will forgive the essay. i started posting to this art blog ten years ago in 2013 when i was just at the very end of high school, uploading short animations i'd made for one of my final projects, preparing myself for art school where i was gearing up to become an illustration/animation student.

i went into my art foundation course in 2014, still thinking i was going to be going into storybook illustration or with faint hopes of becoming like a concept artist for game/animation, although even then i'd started thinking about patterns...

and then in 2015 i did go into my BA, going in for that illustration with animation degree that... usually when i talk about it in real life, i say didn't really feel like the best place for me. if i think back, the best things i got out of it were two of my best friends, one of whom is now my partner. looking back on my BA era, there's some bits of sketchbook stuff...

and while i was at university my main fandoms were thunderbirds are go and x-men for a bit... these are from the end of 2015 into the beginning of 2016...

then for a little while i was doing this still sort of pastel-ish lineless situation:

and i alternated between that and this thin fineliner type work (pretty sure all of the linearted pieces were done on paper and scanned, and all the lineless were graphics-tablet-only) - it was in this style that i started to offer commissions for the first time too.

and i also had fineliner-lined work in sketchbooks that i coloured with marker and posca pens, the colours of which were generally a bit more intense just based on not being able to slide the hue/saturation around on paper:

also 2016 was when i discovered the spongebob musical just after it's trial run in chicago (which ended in july of 2016) and i started making fanart at that point... which would have the biggest effect on the way i drew (and i did end up handing in a piece of spongebob musical fanart as one of my art school homeworks lmao)

from summer 2016 until early 2017 things were still quite soft and pastelly in my digital art, colour-wise:

and then suddenly everything got whacked up to 100% on saturation. also i was using the binary tool to give everything really thin pixel lineart for some reason.

then i went on vacation in summer 2017 and didn't draw for maybe a month? just short of? and when i came back i decided to change everything up again... giving characters blobbier, more ugly-cute faces with large squinting eyes and big nostrils and i was worrying a lot less about making anything look smooth, lineart-wise. i turned off the pen stabiliser in SAI and let it wiggle.

then... the spongebob musical opened on broadway in late 2017, i went to see it live in person for the first time... and my whole brain was ENTIRELY consumed by my love of it. i was putting that david zinn inspired pattern explosion into everything, even if it wasn't sbm fanart.

as we go into 2018, i started colouring my lineart. my biggest interest was still broadway musicals (with spongebob at the top of the list)

i think summer 2017 - early 2018 is probably my favourite art era, i was at my most bright and colourful and exciting... although i know in my actual real life i was struggling a lot with my home situation and i had been for some time. art was definitely my escapism back then, and i think a lot of the time i drew really bright, joyful stuff to try and inject that feeling into myself.

as for my university work, i was putting my focus into 3D paper-mache puppets:

and i was also starting to do more repeat patterns, mostly inspired by things around me. i'd learned how to make patterns actually tile and repeat in 2017, so made a few during my time at uni just to accompany some of my projects, but never as the focus of them. one of my university tutors told me that maybe i should put more focus on doing surface pattern, and maybe applying it to textiles, but i said i wasn't interested.

i graduated from my BA in the summer of 2018, and immediately began volunteering at the whitworth art gallery doing anything i could - stewarding, helping with arts and crafts, dancing with families...

in 2019 i was still very colourful... i was trying out more chunky colouring on characters skintones that i think was def inspired by tumblr artist jadenvargen:

but the blobbyness and ugly-cute style of drawing faces was gone by here, and i think... the way i drew characters probably had better *anatomy*, proportions were maybe a bit more realistic...

in 2020 i started adding the black shading to under the chins and some other places on characters' bodies because i started watching the anime my hero academia with my brother, lmao (and i was starting to pastelise colours a bit again, these are the most pastel-ish examples) my lineart has really smoothed back out too, though i never turned my pen stabiliser back on in SAI. i think my hand just adjusted. probably seems a bit insane to miss that, but i do.

by the end of 2020, the almost-year of lockdown over cobid had... made me a bit insane, i think, and i moved out of my mother's house and into a flat with a friend from university.

in 2021 i think things were much the same... i think from this point on is where things have sort of settled. i don't want to say stagnated, but i do think things have been very... like this for a while.

2022 - got the most exciting examples out...

also i was very into these little frames in 2022.

and then on to 2023! in 2022, i did begin trying to shift gears a bit -- hoping to put more energy into sewing and making products (like my tutor has suggested back in uni, even though i'd really resisted the idea.) i sold at a few in-person markets during winter of 2022, but got disheartened by the amount of money i had to sink in up front to sign up for a spot...

which has made me VERY grateful for the people who have supported me via online sales. it has really helped me stay afloat in 2023 - AND it has felt more wonderful than i can describe that there have been people interested in my work... especially when a lot of it has been my original designs, rather than the fanart that i expect a lot of people initially followed me for.

i've also... in the past 2 years... branched out a bit more when it comes to 'being an artist' - and have had the opportunity to deliver arts & crafts workshops with local refugee & asylum seeker support charity, afrocats. it's taken me to their home base in a church to hotels across the city where asylum seekers were temporarily placed while waiting on their new homes, and of course to my beloved whitworth art gallery, where we welcomed visitors from all backgrounds: from the typical white middle class visitors the gallery usually expects, to all the refugee visitors coming into the space for the first time.

and through my volunteering at the whitworth, i showed up so often they decided they might as well pay me. so i've also become a facilitator of... creative play sessions, my favourites of which have been outdoors. monthly, year-round, we have 'outdoor art club', where i get to paint with mud and make potions from leaves with kids & families - here you can see me tell you a little bit about it in this video below with 'crempog' a puppet character that makes videos about activities for kids and families around manchester (my bit starts at 01:10 although i am in the intro and thumbnail haha)

and then of course the summer 'PLAYTIME' activities we've had the past two years: scrap studio in 2022, and play market in 2023. it's the best freelance gig ever -- just to hang out and encourage families to be creative and have fun.

in working more in these new avenues... outside of being - as i've called myself for a long time - "an internet artist"... i've found myself more interested in this sort of thing. in being a "real world artist" too. in doing surface pattern design, and being a workshop facilitator, i find myself wanting to put more energy into these sorts of projects.

in 2023 i've also dabbled a little bit more in youtube videos! i have had a channel for a while and have made videos in previous years, but 2023 has been the year i've done the most in. admittedly most of them haven't been about my art, and more just like... random things that interest me (the spongebob musical in particular) but i've really been enjoying video editing. that's kind of an art form too, so i'm including it here!

moving forward, want to keep putting even more of my energy into other things. my shop, with a bigger range of products to offer. workshops in real life, where i can make a difference.

as for my art blog... i feel like i've done the least drawing in many years in 2023, and... well, things have been weird and complicated for a bit in my real life. i hope to draw for fun a bit more again very soon, and to return to doing things in more of a wild and crazy way, to be more creative and exciting with the way i draw things. still, here's some of my favourites from 2023:

thank you so much to everyone who has borne witness to my art journey this past decade!!! i hope you will stick with me, who knows, maybe for another 10 years if tumblr holds out. especially a big thank you to everyone who has ever commissioned me, or bought anything from my store, you literally keep me able to make art at all and i cannot, cannot, cannot overstate how much it means to me.

i'm moving homes soon, possibly into very cramped temporary conditions for a little while before HOPEFULLY starting my real life with my partner. if i can take one more moment to plug my work, then [here is a link to my online shop] and [here is my ko-fi page too.]

cheers, cheers, cheers!

- LOREN 🌈🍍🎉

[godessanonymous]

LN4 - Reporting

Request: No. Genre: Fluff, Comfort Triggers: Sexual Assault (Graphic) Summary: You are a reporter working the F1 Japanese GP weekend, during a interview you get attacked. Struggleing with the aftermath, lando comes by to help you cope.

Not proofread - 2.8k Words

It was a beautiful day at the Suzuka GP during the 2023 season of F1, it was your second year of being a reporter in the motorsport scene, doing content with the teams and even becoming friends with a good portion of the drivers. Specifically the top runners since they were the ones you interviewed the most, even being invited to team dinners along with Lissie and other media personel.

It was a beautiful and sunny day, Max had secured another P1 finish and the McLarens had made it a 2-3.  Oscar was still doing a different interview but Max Verstappen and Lando Norris had blessed your booth with their presence, it was loud. Fans all around you as you were set up pretty much in the middle of the paddock. This was a usual scene for you, it was where you felt really in your element, going with the flow of things and especially getting some exciting content done.

Both drivers gave you a big smile when they arrived at the spot designated for them. You hadn’t seen eachother in a week, it would be time for some proper catchup after the media duties were finally done. Since it was warm you were wearing a breathtaking flowery croptop praired with a pair of white pants, the outfit coming together summery yet still professional.

“Good day to the two of you, congratulations on your top finishes today, I hope you are very proud of yourselves. That was amazing to watch.” You started of the questioning as you gave the camera a smile. Behind the camera were only a couple of people, max and landos PR Managers as well as a camera operator and your own manager. Most of the tech part was done in a building not to far from you.

The Paddock didn’t allow too much space for any more people really. The only barrier between you and the fans being a volunteer and some drawn lines on the ground.

You were about half way through your interview and the drivers had been nicely awnsering all of your questions, throwing a joke in here and there.

You noticed the crowd behind you getting louder and a little bit more unsetteled but you couldn’t check, just relying on your hearing. What was going on? Probably just someone causing a little mayhem, Is what you told yourself, trying to focus on the task at hand. You noticed these kind of changes in your environment fairly easily, It was natural to be this hyper vigilant ever since you had been attacked by a mad man at the bar not accepting your decline as he tried to make advances toward you.

You hated to think about what that night did to you, how dirty you felt and how hurt you were. Since then your quick thinking and being able to read situations had saved you more than once. It was good but also tiring to be this aware at any given time in public.

Trying not to get lost in your own thoughts you turned your attention back to the motorsport athletes in front of you. Your next question was specifically for the young McLaren Driver. You took a breath and started your next question, “How does it feel to get a double podium-“ Especially with your teammate still being a rookie, That was how I wanted to end the question but I didn’t get to.

The murmurs of the crowd had gotten alarmingly loud but it was already too late to react. A arm snaked around my body from behind, a hand gripping your hair tightly and tugging your head backwards. Your head was spinning, the painful force of the pull on your long hair making your senses give up on you. Your hearing was gone, yet everything moved so slowly. Both hands of the tall figure attacking you from behind now grabbing your chest and squeezing both your breasts. What was happening?! Your body was spun around, and you saw the ground getting closer to my face, body and mind still somewhat frozen in place as all you could do was watch the asphalt of the paddock street racing towards you. The second your body hit the floor was when the time went back to normal. It was loud, deafening almost. Someone was yelling, people were leaping towards you. The crushing weight of the man still on your body, pressing up against your upper body, knees on your thigh, Pinned down. Your head had hit the floor and ur knees and hands were burning with the sensation of the rough material scraping the skin of the areas of your body taking the impact.

Then all of a sudden the weight on your body was gone, everything hurt. A arm reached for you, you body flinching at the movement. Someone was talking, what were they saying?

“Hey- you? Hey hey y/n, y/n-“ Your name was being called. Your vision starts to clear just enough to make out the two familiar faces looking at you with concern. “Are you okay?” you could finally make out the words. “Im- what. I’m okay..” was all you were able to say. You regained the feeling of your body. Looking around, you could see security making their way towards you.

Next to you was Max, holding down the man that must have been your attacker. He was ugly, disgusting, a disgusting human if you could even call him human. He was more an animal, the way he attacked you. On live TV. The realization that you might still be live hit you like a rock. You scrambled to get up. Your body barely complying.

“Don’t. Let the medics check you out. You hit your head darling.” The firm voice of Lando ordered. “No I’m okay, promise.” Was all you answered.

Security having taken over the violent man from Maxes strong grip. You gave a questioning look to your Manager, “Still live, are you good to finish and then we will stop for the day?”, they seriously wanted her to continue after what had just happened? All you wanted to do was run away, hide and wash the feeling of those rouge hands on your body .

You didn’t have time to answer as the camera pointed back at you. With quick fingers you fixed your blouse, wrapping your arms around the front of your body before letting out a sentence of goodbyes, “I’m sure some of you saw what just happened and have understanding for this interview having to be cut short. I am okay. See you next time.” Is what you managed to get out before the camera stopped rolling with a quiet click. The crew of the interview pierced its way towards the closed of part of the paddock.

As soon as you had arrived in safety, most people left. Max shooting you a sad look as he left. Only your manager, Landos and Lando himself stayed behind as they placed you in a small room. You didn’t say anything, you couldn’t say anything. It was like your mouth was glued shut. Memories of your previous experience resurfacing as the fresh feeling of those hands on you still ached badly. “Hey love, its okay, you’re safe. Tell us what you need.” Maya, your manager was the first to speak.

“Home.” Is all you could get out. It sounded chocked like there was someone wrapping their hand around your throat and squeezing it tightly. The room was silent, not even bubbly Lando daring to speak a word has he saw your emotionless body sit there, contemplating everything. They gave you a understanding look and it wasn’t long until you were in the back of a car being taken back to your hotel.

You don’t remember the way up to your hotel room, unlocking the door and thrown yourself onto the floor beside your bed. The images weren’t relenting, the disgusting feeling on your skin making you itch at it in a attempt to rid yourself of the stains of hands and body on your skin. It had made of feel helpless, like you didn’t stand a chance, why did it happen again. Why did that man do that, was it your fault? Had you done something? A rational part of you knowing its not your own fault, but your body feeling like you were the one that had done something wrong. Its sad what society made you believe. Your limbs start to tremble as the panic takes over your body.

You don’t know how much time has passed when your mind finally lets a little loose on the grip it has on your body and flashbacks. You try to sort your thoughts. Shower. That’s all you wanted, to get clean, atleast as much as you could after the events not even 2 hours earlier. The events the racetrack were probably calming down about now. The teams would still be working for a while but the fans were probably slowly thinning out.

Heaving your heavy body of the floor you made your way towards the big bathroom of you hotel room. Clothes being tossed carelessly into a corner somewhere along the way, you grabbed a oversized hoodie and some shorts, something clean to wear after you were done. You felt very empty all of a sudden, no tears leaving your eyes anymore. The hot water of the shower made you feel just a tiny bit better, as you took war to your body scrubbing down from head to toe. The shampoo burning on the cuts on your knees and hands, your head still hurting. The skin of your Chest and shoulders being red as you stepped out of the steamy class cabin. You didn’t have any strength left in you, quickly throwing on the tshirt and shorts before collapsing onto the soft carpet laying in front of the sink. Curling up and drowning in memories again. This time not shaking, not crying… just laying there, existing.

It felt like you’d been laying there for weeks but in reality it must have only been a couple of minutes. Your hair still dripping wet.  You snapped out of your trance when you heard the door of your room unlock. Who was it? No one else had a keycard? You were a little scared but also didn’t have it in you to move. Slowly steps moved into the dark room. “y/n? Are you here? Its Lando” The voice of the McLaren driver called through the room. You didn’t answer. Lando must have noticed the lights in the bathroom, the door half way open. You saw his head peek around the corner, hesitating not wanting to invade your privacy.

His heart hurt looking at your slumped figure on the floor. “I’m just here to check up on you after what happened. I’m so so sorry love. Is it okay if I come in?” he asked, something so soft about his voice. A raspy yeah escaped your lips, barely loud enough for him to hear you. He walked in, slowly lowering himself to your vision as he sat down not to far away from you, not wanting to make you uncomfortable. You also slowly started to lift yourself off the floor, almost getting dizzy as you did so. You took better look at the concerned man in front of you. He had a little first aid packet and some chocolate in his hands.

“Why are you here?” you said, it just slipped out and probably sounded a little more rude than you wanted to. “I wanted to see if I can help you, you looked so hurt when you left, im just incredibly worried. If you need space I can leave but please check in with me or someone else, I don’t want you to do anything stupid.” He said now looking insecure about his decision to come see you. “No. Please stay. I don’t want to be alone Lan.” You choked out before you could stop it. God you felt stupid, like a burden. His gaze onto you softened even more than it already had. “Anything I can do for you?”  “Actually yes, can you help me dry my hair? It hurts my hands when I do it..” this was so embarrassing you whised the ground would just swallow you up.

But Lando didn’t bat an eye as he slowly got up and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around your head and drying your hair with slow motions, you flinched at the initial contact and he hesitated for a second before he kept going. Once your hair was only left to be a little bit damp he took the towel away and stood up again. “Good?” “Good.” You said satisfied with the result. “Thank you.” You heaved yourself up on shaky legs making your way towards the bed. You sat on the edge. Lando coming out of the bathroom walked over and knelt infront of you.

You shot him a confused look as he pulled out the first aid kit again. “is it okay if I put some bandages on those cuts?” he asked gently. You nodded. “this might sting.” He quickly warned before spraying some disinfectant on the wounds. It stung, you let out a spall pained noise. He looked at you your pain almost reflecting in his blue eyes.  “is it okay if I touch you? Just to put the bandage on? You can do it yourself if you don’t want me to touch you?” He said. He actually asked for your constent. Something inside you melted at that, why didn’t everyone act like this. Why did some people take your consent for granted, abuse you and take away control over yourself. Why? You nodded again, and the white bandage soon made contact with the bruised skin of first your knees then your hands. He was so gentle, looking up for your approval before doing anything. He was so cautious, so gentle, it made you want to give HIM a hug. You sat up on the bed, resting against the headboard, scooting over a bit so there was space for lando. After a small thinking break he took the offer and sat down on the other side of the bed.

There was a akward silence for a while, Lando wanting to give you the chance to speak if you wanted too. After a couple of minutes you finally broke. “You know this isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me?” He looked at you with hurt puppy eyes. “I feel so disgusting, dirty, I know its not my fault but I also don’t. I can still feel his hands, his body on mine. I hate this so much-“ is all you can get out of your mouth before the flood of tears start streaming down your face. Here you are crying infront of fucking Lando Norris. Yes you were thankful he was there to help you but you never wanted anyone to see you like this. Broken. “Im so sorry love, what do you need, anything I can do to help you right now?” He said, he looked so loving, caring, just wanting to help you. “A hug, hold me for a second please….” You say, he looks at you concerned. But scoots a little closer. Arms open with a tiny smile on his lips. It’s a invitation to initiate contact how you liked it, not wanting to overstep. You gladly take up his inviting gesture, scoot closer and collapse into his arms.

Youre sobbing into his hoodie, head on the young drivers chest, his chin resting on the top of your head. His steady heartbeat giving you something to listen to, to focus on, getting his breathing in sync with your own. His strong arms are now wrapped around you firmly. One hand slowly stroking your hair. Faint, whispered words spilling from his mouth. “Youre safe love. Deep breaths.” And so on. His embrace making you feel safe and protected, slowly, very slowly slowing down your sobbing shaking body into a puddle of soft emotional embrace. You cries slowly but surely die down and he begins softly humming a song you cant quite make out, the vibration of his chest being weirdly soothing. His body radiated warmth as you began to feel more and more tired. “Thank you Lan.” You mumble slowly drifting off. You had never felt as safe as in Landos arms right now. “Always love. You ll be okay I promise. And im always here to help you when you need me.” He answers. Last thing you feel is his hand drawing circles on your back and the hand in your hair slowing down before you both drifted off to the land of the dreams… Sorry this was sad as fuck but it is what it is, thank you for reading my first official one shot :>

[floralcyanide]

˚₊✩‧₊◜kinktober 2023! ―

― day six ⛧ degradation

Sub!Jonathan Crane x Dom!Reader

Jonathan is starting to think he's on his high horse too much. He smarts off at you, making a big mistake. You take advantage of degrading and belittling Jonathan, and his ego is brought down to shallow depths.

warnings: smut, degradation, spitting, finger sucking, insults, dom/sub, sex toys, anal sex, anal fingering, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, oral (f receiving), face-riding, cum eating, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, touchless orgasm

word count: 2208

author's note: yayaayay day six!! I love writing sub men especially sub jonathan ugh. please. my weakness. anyway, I hope everyone enjoys (; remember to read the warnings carefully before proceeding. (:

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ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴄᴏᴘʏ, ʀᴇᴘʀᴏᴅᴜᴄᴇ, ᴏʀ ᴄʟᴀɪᴍ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀᴋ ᴀs ʏᴏᴜʀs ᴏɴ ᴛᴜᴍʙʟʀ, ᴀᴏ3, ᴡᴀᴛᴛᴘᴀᴅ, ᴏʀ ᴀɴʏ ᴡᴇʙsɪᴛᴇ. ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴘᴇʀᴍɪssɪᴏɴ ᴛᴏ ᴜsᴇ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀᴋs ɪɴ ᴀɪ ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀᴛᴏʀs ᴏʀ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴀʀᴛɪғɪᴄɪᴀʟ ɪɴᴛᴇʟʟɪɢᴇɴᴄᴇ. ʏᴏᴜ ᴍᴀʏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴜsᴇ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀᴋs ᴛᴏ sᴇʟʟ ғᴏʀ ᴀs ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴡɴ ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛɪᴏɴ

Jonathan has noticed that lately, he’s been a little snarky and bitchy- more than usual, anyway. He was bratty by nature, but he’s had an ego boost since snagging you. You’re perfect to him, and the fact he has someone as unique as you really gets him going. But it’s starting to exhaust him and cause issues at work, especially with colleagues. And the situation with this Rachel Dawes girl. Jonathan is sure he sent her to her death at the hands of Falcone and realizes that maybe his ego needs to be deflated. Especially if he feels challenged by a 20-something-year-old woman. Being in his thirties, Jonathan clearly knew better, especially as a professional. He brainstorms all day at the asylum, thinking of how to calm himself down and make his ego bruised to bring him down a notch. But he hits a wall, unable to come up with anything worth his time.

When Jonathan gets home, he’s frustrated with himself. He usually has great ideas, especially when it comes to degrading others and making them scared. But he can’t seem to come up with anything for himself. He grumbles as he hangs up his coat, tossing his keys into the dish by the door. He spots you curled up on the couch, reading a book. Jonathan notices the dishes you've yet to do in the sink from last night, and he rolls his eyes.

“I thought you were going to do the dishes today,” he frowns at you.

“Sorry, hon. I got invested in this book and haven’t thought about them,” you say sheepishly, “I’ll pop the dishes in the dishwasher after dinner tonight, okay?”

Jonathan doesn’t say anything and instead sits on the couch on the opposite end of you, flipping open his own book. You stare at him momentarily, waiting for him to say something. When he doesn’t, you clear your throat and resume reading. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, you finally sigh.

“Are you okay, Jonathan?”

“I am perfectly fine, dear,” he replies exasperatedly, with a hint of sarcasm.

You purse your lips, becoming slightly impatient with him.

“You don’t seem fine, but alright.”

Jonathan looks over at you with a sassy look on his face before he turns back to his book. You raise an eyebrow.

“Did I do something to piss you off, mister brat?” you ask snarkily, closing your book and crossing your arms.

“Of course not,” Jonathan says, more sarcastic this time.

You huff, snatching his book from his hands and slamming it onto the coffee table.

“Watch your attitude,” you say blatantly.

“Or what?” Jonathan scoffs, yanking his book back with an attitude in his movements, “You won’t do anything.”

“Says who?” you chuckle darkly, crawling onto Jonathan’s lap and straddling his hips.

“Says me,” Jonathan gives you a closed-lip smile, “Now hop off. I’m trying to read.”

You scoff, tossing his book on the side of the couch where you were previously sitting, “How about you lose your attitude?”

“Or what?” Jonathan asks sassily, tilting his head.

You reach a hand up and grip his throat, your thumb and fingers pressing into the sides of his neck as you lean close to his face, “Or I’ll fucking make you.”

Jonathan gulps, unsure of how to react. You’ve never taken control before. You have a dominant side to your personality, but you’ve never dominated him sexually. Maybe Jonathan being dominated would knock him down a peg?

“Oh really?” Jonathan breathes, “You won’t.”

You growl, shoving two fingers from your other hand into his mouth, squeezing his neck a little harsher to prove your point, “Shut up, little boy. You’re nothing but a brat, you know that?”

Jonathan says nothing and willingly takes your fingers into his mouth, sucking and licking around them with doe eyes. You thrust your fingers in and out of his mouth, glaring at him as he hollows his cheeks, the sound of him suckling your digits a delight to your ears.

“Now, be a good boy and lay on the couch, then take off your pants and underwear. I’ll be right back. Don’t touch yourself,” you threaten, climbing off Jonathan’s lap.

Jonathan nods, scrambling to lie on the couch, moving his book. You hurry upstairs to grab something and return to the living room. Jonathan is lying on the sofa, his legs spread to reveal his hardened cock and his plump balls to you. You smirk as you put your toy on the coffee table, Jonathan’s eyes widening a little at the item. You resume your place on his lap, opting to sit on his bare, milky thighs. You give his cock a few pumps, spreading the leaking precum around his tip. 

“So worked up from just me shutting you up, huh?”

“Sure, we’ll go with that,” Jonathan gives you a closed-lip smile, and you lightly slap him across the face.

“Don’t be rude,” you scold, “Or I won’t touch you at all.”

“No,” Jonathan says quickly, “Please touch me.”

“Why should I? What do you have to gain from it, hmm?” you slow your pace of moving your hand along his shaft.

“Because I’ve been bad,” Jonathan says bashfully.

“You’ve been a little bitch is what you’ve been,” you chuckle, “And little bitches get fucked until they learn their lesson.”

Jonathan gulps as you reach for your vibrator and sit it beside you, planning on using it later. You trace Jonathan’s face with a light finger before moving it to his lips, prodding them open to put your fingers back inside his mouth. 

“Suck. And get as much spit on them as you can,” you demand, pumping Jonathan’s cock faster with your hand tight around his length.

Jonathan nods vigorously, lapping his tongue around your digits and coating them with his spit. But it’s not enough.

“Open your mouth,” you say, removing your fingers.

Jonathan obeys, and you gather your own spit in your mouth before you spit it onto Jonathan’s tongue. He twitches in surprise but graciously accepts your saliva before you shove your hand back to his lips, letting him cover it in your added spit. 

“Good boy,” you whisper in awe at the sight of him closing his eyes as he bobs his head along your fingers.

You climb off his legs, shimmy off your shorts and underwear, and sit back down on his pelvis. Nudging one of Jonathan’s legs off the couch, you push his leg up and outward, “Grab your thigh, Jonny. And hold it open for me, okay?”

Jonathan follows your instructions, and you rub your clit to make yourself a little wetter in order to take him without a hitch. You grab his length and guide it into you as you lift your hips, moving them to suck him in to the hilt. You moan at the feeling of Jonathan filling you up, and you start riding him slowly. Spit still on your fingers, you circle Jonathan’s entrance slowly and daringly, turning around to gauge his reaction. His eyes are fluttered shut, his mouth agape as he breathes heavily. You circle his puckered hole faster, teasing it with the tip of your finger. Gently, you coax his asshole open with your index finger, pushing it in very slowly. Jonathan whimpers from behind you as you continue to slowly bounce on his cock. With your free hand, you massage his balls as your finger sinks deeper inside him. He squirms slightly, letting himself clench around your finger. 

“Taking my finger like such a good boy,” you praise, “Can you take another?”

Jonathan mewls, “Give me a second,” he gasps as you hook your finger slightly.

“Take your time,” you say sweetly, stretching him softly with your digit, pushing it in and out of him.

Jonathan moans as you fuck him harder with your soaked cunt, slowly entering another spit-coated finger into his tight ass. You manage to push it all the way in after a few moments, Jonathan a mess underneath you as his hips stutter. 

“So good,” you say, pussy clenching at the sight of Jonathan taking your fingers so well, “Finally shut you up, hmm?”

Jonathan moans in response, and you slowly hook your fingers inside him, scissoring your digits apart to stretch him out. Your boyfriend whines under you, his cock twitching pitifully inside your cunt. Grabbing the vibrator from next to you, you stick it in your mouth and suck it, letting your saliva coat it graciously. Pulling your fingers from Jonathan, he cries out from the lack of fullness. But you’re quick to press the toy against his hole, pushing it in slowly. 

“Fuck,” Jonathan moans pornographically, and you push it further inside until it hits his prostate.

You fuck him with it gently, letting him get used to it before turning the vibrator on. Jonathan yelps, his hips bucking into you harshly. Rocking your hips at a quicker pace, the sensation of the vibrator filling him up, as well as you fucking yourself on his cock, sends Jonathan reeling. He’s an absolute mess beneath you, wishing he had kept his sassy mouth shut because of the overwhelming feeling of pleasure. But also, Jonathan doesn’t regret the dramatic death of his ego right now. In fact, he’s relishing it. 

“How does it feel to be fucked by me?” you ask, breathless as you watch the vibrator go in and out of Jonathan’s tight hole, “To be humiliated and used like a little slut?”

“S’ good,” Jonathan manages to make out, bearing his hips down on the toy as you fuck him with it with vigor. 

You turn up the vibration setting two notches, and Jonathan twitches inside you, cumming hard and suddenly. His cum paints your puffy walls, filling you up. You turn off the vibrator and remove it from Jonathan, and he groans at the loss. 

“Bad, bad, bad,” you shake your head, tutting at your boyfriend, “I didn’t say you could cum.”

“I’m sorry,” Jonathan says quietly, tears pricking his eyes from the intense orgasm and the shame of cumming so soon.

“Now, you get the pleasure of me riding your face until I cum. Since I didn’t get to cum around your poor little cock,” you mockingly pout, pulling yourself off him and watching Jonathan’s cum weep from your pussy, “You’re gonna eat your own cum and like it. How does that sound?”

Jonathan wordlessly nods, unable to form a coherent thought in his head at the moment.

“Use your words, Jonny.”

“S-sounds good,” he says meekly.

You slide upward to rest your cunt on Jonathan’s face, and he immediately attaches his mouth to it, lapping up the mixture of your arousal and his cum with his tongue. He circles your clit, suckling on it as you let out a soft moan. You buck your hips to establish a rhythm with Jonathan’s tongue as he fucks it inside you. Jonathan starts to grow hard once more, and you watch as his length becomes slowly erect against his stomach. 

“Aw, is Jonny getting hard just from eating pussy? How cute,” you coo, “I bet you’re gonna cum all over yourself like the pitiful thing you are.”

Jonathan moans into you as a bead of precum leaks from his tip. You ride his face faster as the familiar warmth of pleasure spreads throughout your belly. You grasp your breasts, tweaking your nipples as your boyfriend skillfully nibbles your bundle of nerves. 

“Just like that, fuck,” you praise, tugging hard at your sensitive buds as your orgasm creeps on you, “Gonna make me cum after all, baby.”

Jonathan hums, the vibration sending you over the edge. You cum all over his face and tongue, and to your surprise, Jonathan’s cock spurts its own hot white load all over his stomach and chest. 

“I can't believe you just cum without me even touching you,” you chuckle, “How pathetic.”

You lean over and lick up his mess, playfully licking and biting his hardened nipples before dismounting his face. You take a deep breath before gathering the toy and telling Jonathan you’ll return in a second. When you return to the living room, Jonathan still lies haphazardly on the couch.

“Are you okay?” you ask, picking up your underwear and sliding them back on.

“Yeah,” Jonathan sighs, “I needed that.”

“I can tell,” you smirk, “You’ve been a dick lately.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he says, “I was thinking about it earlier and couldn’t come up with a solution to bring me back to earth. But it seems you came up with a solution on your own.”

“Sure did. Been thinking about doing this for a while anyway.”

“I didn’t know you were into being dominant,” Jonathan raises his eyebrows, and you offer him his underwear to put back on.

“It’s not something I do a lot, but yeah. I think it’s hot,” you grin, sitting on his lap.

Jonathan exhales through his nose, studying your face. He smiles briefly before stroking your cheek, “How about we take a bath and go to bed, hmm?”

“Sounds good,” you say, “Gotta get your bitchy self all clean.”

Jonathan snorts at that. Dinner and the dishes are long forgotten, and a nice, warm bath is drawn.

taglist:

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[cyndraws]

Kaishin secret santa 2023

This is a Kaishin roleswap au for @blueamphibians! I hope you enjoy this art + my ramblings on the au underneath. Because of course, I couldn't just leave it as one piece of art haha (ehem please buckle in for preparation)

Many thanks to @dcmkkaishinevents / Mack for hosting this event, it was super fun participating and interacting with the community <3 <3 As a side note, I would absolutely recommend it to others who are considering signing up next year. Everyone is very friendly!

(Hey Blue, I had more art planned but unfortunately many things came up. But I hope you enjoy this anyways! I might draw some more for you later ^-^ Thanks so much for this prompt <3 <3)

Edit: I have decided that now you will receive a completed arts + ramblings + some WIPs behind the scene hahahaha https://www.tumblr.com/cyndraws/737208478471487488/kaishin-secret-santa-2023-extras-basically-wips?source=share

AU ramblings under the cut (ngl it's a lot):

Random details and notes that don't really fit anywhere. Mostly about the fanart:

Kaito is 1 year older than Shin and is taller than him

This scene is set over the Haido City hotel. In the distance you can see Shiriyomi Trust Hotel (can't full recognise it behind Kaito but I assure you I drew it lol), Tokyo tower (easy to spot) and Roppongi Hills Mori Tower (Just behind Shin on the right, the one with the lights in a --u-- shape) Main reference: https://www.detectiveconanworld.com/wiki/Haido_City_Hotel

I was also screaming at the Kaishin pic in ED70 throughout this LMAO.

Kaito breaks through Shinichi's mysterious KID persona in this drawing and Shinichi shyly reveals his face behind the mask. Kaito then produces a blue flower, claiming it matches Shinichi's beautiful eyes (he's also the one who bred it)

Kaito has extra pockets sewn into his uniform to carry more tricks. This wasn't really necessary in canon, but here, Kaito has to be prepared to investigate at any moment.

Lmao help me render hair *stares at Kaito's* Cool effect but not quite right. I need to go experiment later.

Kaito/Shin getting shrunk (aka Conan situation) never happens in this au. But Haibara and the other victims are still around. Haibara still lives at the professor's.

~

Background:

Yusaku was much more entangled and involved with Toichi and his fight with the Black Org. Side note but in this au, Snake is from a division of the Black Org

As a result, they both end up being killed during the fateful accident. Yes, both Shinichi and Kaito are there for it. They were going to be introduced to each other on that day, but well,,, we can see the way it ended.

It wasn't well known that the Kuroba and Kudo family were close at all. Extra vigilance was taken after the funerals to ensure their safety. Their families parted ways for the better or worse after thsi event.

Yusaku's and Toichi's friendship/rivalry included collaborating for some heists, having a second secret base in the Kudo mansion, and Yusaku donning the Night Baron costume... even if he was just hidden in a car and sending information to Toichi via an earpiece lol.

After their husbands' deaths, Yukiko and Chikage meet up occasionally and travel together in secret.

~

Shinichi:

Shinichi never became a famous detective. The years after Yusaku died in the tragic accident, Yukiko and him tried their best to move on with varying success. Shinichi's dream to become a famous detective never came to fruition.

This was because for various reasons including not having Yusaku's guiding hand to develop Shin's detective skills, was only being taken to crime scenes for a year, and of course the trauma.

After avoiding detective work as much as he could (well considering that he's still a corpse magnet), Shinichi finally starts to dig through his memories. From then, he uncovered a strange inconsistency with the logic of his father's death and starts to obsess over the idea that it was a murder.

Shin painstakingly and slowly investigates in the shadows with his *ehem* admittedly rusty detective skills and chases after the very little crumbs left by the organisation. What he uncovers is that the accident wasn't one at all, but premeditated murder by an encompassing third party.

Shinichi finally finds a lead to,,, Jii Konosuke. This takes quite a few years, and Shinichi is 15 when he confronts Jii.

Jii reveals everything after Shinichi's deduction and also mistaking him for Kaito. And such Shinichi is brought into the fold. Shinichi also makes up his mind to take on the KID mantle, greatly sympathising with the fellow teen whose father was also involved.

The years after Shinichi uncovers the truth, he learns many skills such as disguise, acting and magic from Jii and Chikage. However, his magic skills will never be on par with Kaito's.

Shinichi in this au has more acting and disguise skills from living with his mother. She passed this skills onto him, and they bonded over it to recover from their grief.

When Shinichi is 17, he officially takes on the role of KID. Chikage permanently locked the KID cave in the Kuroba house, and the KID cave settled in its new home in the Kudo mansion. Inside the second base previously used by Toichi and Yusaku.

Shinichi as KID:

Well, he's just as dramatic as Kaito in canon, but it's a different kind of dramatic. Shin is more of a mysterious and cryptic phantom thief and wears a menacing Night Baron mask. He overall speaks less, and when he does, he says a lot of dramatic lines. Like in theatre almost, with plenty of double meanings.

He takes on a lot of aspects from the Phantom Lady and Jii's interpretation of KID.

And also, I was inspired by the Black Knight, Shiragami in canon, and AngelicSentinel's fantastic fic, Heart of Eternity. I guess you could describe it as more theatrely, cool and princely. He's still very athletic (laughing at Shinichi being Tarzan as Shiragami)

Unlike Kaito, Shin's notices often involve cryptic riddles. It satisfies Shinichi's puzzle loving side and adds to his mysterious reputation.

It's funny to me how Akako's 'Demon of Light' moniker is still accurate haha

Shinichi investigates a little in the shadows and is overall a touch more hot-headed than Kaito KID

He uses a lot more gadgets to cover for his lesser magic skills. He's still learning though! A lot of them are references to Conan's and KID's in canon. Between Jii and Agasa, he gets a lot of them haha. This includes:

Mask/monocle -> voice changer, mask to cover for poker face, zoom and night vision, tracker, microphone and radio, gas mask.

Transmitter/microphone -> button stickers, bugs in general, cufflinks. In some cases, a camera but it must be asked for first. Shin uses these to cover for Kaito's doves in canon.

Wristwatch -> Clock of course for his heist times, tranquilliser, emergency flashbomb (KID has one in canon too)

Shoes -> jet powered rollerskates (equivalent to skateboard). Of course, Shin still kicks things but it looks more to take down the occasional criminal, trigger emergency traps, and more. He doesn't kick often because it doesn't really suit the image of KID + it's a unique skill to have.

+ other usual KID gadgets -> smoke, flash, sleeping bombs, grapple gun, hang glider, etc.

~

Kaito:

He's still an aspiring magician

Since there's a rising amount of cases in Beika, Kaito gets recommended by Nakamori because of his magic skills. The idea is that his knowledge of magic tricks will help uncover the criminals' tricks... Well this includes basically all cases lol. It works though! And the news of Meitantei Kaito starts to spread.

Kaito falls in love with the dramatics and triumphs of figuring out a criminal's trick. He starts to get called into Beika every time a case is discovered. One different to Shin is that Kai gets called to the cases instead of the cases coming to him.

His detective persona is like KID's in canon - flirty, dramatic, confident, charming, a bit of a pervert, and a classic showman's personality. Aoko is sick of it hahaha.

Kai's deduction show is very dramatic. He uses flashy magic tricks to reveal evidence and tricks, and uses his magic to take down criminals.

This includes his acrobatics, trusty card gun and traps he set beforehand. I like to headcanon that Kaito invented his cardgun first before integrating into KID. Kaito's cardgun includes the normal sharp cards (Kaito uses it to pin down criminals with their clothes, cut ropes, etc), tranquilliser laced cards, smoke and flash bombs. And also sleeping bombs but he uses it vary sparingly because even that toes the law a little too much... Megure is exasperated but the criminals are taken down quickly without much harm so he lets it slide

Kaito also follows in the spirit of dubious investigation. He changes his voice, uses his doves to spy on others, uses disguises (very very rarely), and is noisy overall.

Kaito and Hakuba:

Has a detective rivalry with Hakuba.

Hakuba still thinks, even in this au, that Kaito is KID. After all, Shin's profile is very similar to Kaito's. Kaito vehemently denies it but acts like a KID fan around Hakuba to annoy him. He isn't really though, citing KID's magic to be third rate, but he is still intrigued.

Hakuba offhandedly slips in wording and insinuations to Kaito's huge annoyance. You can imagine them bickering at a crime scene while Megure is just Too Used to this.

Much later on, when Kaito learns Shinichi's identity, Kaito tells Shinichi's about Hakuba's warnings. So Kaito is kinda a messenger between the two. Despite Hakuba being annoying, Kaito knows he can trust him.

~ Other character interactions:

Shinichi and Kaito:

Shinichi is still a corpse magnet. So he encounters a case, calls the police, and escapes as fast as he can after giving a witness statement. This is partly to avoid the awkwardness of meeting Megure and the police officers (he hasn't met them since his father died), as well as his new night job.

This results in the most frustrating yet amusing situation where Shin and Kaito miss meeting each other for quite a few years. Shinichi is busy hurrying off while Kaito is called to the scene and busy listening to the details.

Quick sketch I may/may not fully finish in the future:

Description: Set in suburban Beika. Shinichi is at the foreground, looking at his watch and worrying about meeting Jii on time. Meanwhile, next to a police car, Megure merrily discusses case details to Kaito. Kaito is glancing over to Shinichi in curiosity while keeping an ear open. He has his hands in his pockets. Behind Megure, the scene has police tape barring entrance.

~

Kaito thinks KID is a third rate magician but can appreciate the dramatics and mysteriousness. He is Intrigued. This leads to a meeting later on. Kaito uses his connection to Nakamori.

Shinichi is of course startled by Kaito's namedrop.

... Sorry no more details/plan about their meeting. It's definitely a dramatic face off though.

Regarding Shinichi's identity reveal, I was playing around with the idea that Snake is there, threatening the two at gunpoint and sneering over the '"lovely family reunion between father and son". It would definitely spur Kaito to grill Shin for more details

~

Shinichi and Hattori:

Hattori hears about the "Meitantei of the East" and goes off to meet him and challenge him to a deduction battle. He doesn't know how to contact him, so he goes with the strat of wandering around Beika until he runs into a case. He figured that with the high rate of cases being reported, he's eventually run into Kuroba ,,, yeah hahahaha Thats his entire plan

Luckily for Hattori, his detective luck exponentially multiplies with Shin's and a scream runs out. As Shinichi is reporting the crime and tried to head off, Hattori slings an arm around his shoulders to stop him from sneaking off.

Hattori loudly greets him as Kuroba despite Shinichi's insistence that "No, I am NOT Kuroba, please get your arm off me". Insert much scepticism from Hattori.

Even after they part ways, this isn't the last they see of each other. Hattori keeps wandering around Beika while running into Shinichi. They eventually become friends huhu.

Shinichi and the Detective Boys:

The Detective Boys admire Kaito a lot. Obviously they've watched the news reports on TV. So when they see him at the park playing soccer, they glomp him HAHAH Poor Shinichi

At this point I think people mistaking Shinichi as Kaito can be a running gag. The Detective Boys keep annoying Shinichi and even attempt breaking into the 'Edo house' to see the ghosts... Shinichi is still not happy. And also, when they visit Haibara, they're basically next doors so Shinichi's never going to get them out of his life.

Despite the annoyance, he eventually becomes fond of them and takes on the big brother sort of role.

When Kaito and Shinichi get acquainted, they take the DB on outings a lot. The DB is very fond of Kaito-nii-san and Shinichi-nii-san.

[vellichorom]

ok this is the year we retire the old template & start using new ones hello

( & SO, this template credit to @ necromosss on twt! (( date edited slightly by me, in case you're confused )) )

WHAT a year, am I right?

2023 opened the door to a lot more experiences, events, fandoms, people, & all KINDS of hectic craziness for me, but it was REALLY fun, & while I don't think I really made HEFTY leaps & bounds in terms of doing something different with my art, every day - with every small change & improvement, I come to love my art all the more.

& that, I will contribute some to YOU! yes, YOU - reading this right now! to casual viewers, to those who have been with me since the premiere of this blog, to those who've come around in 2023 for one thing or another; to those of you of whom I've never spoken with, to those who have made me something or complemented my work, to those who've become my friends, my gratitude is IMMEASURABLE.

this last year, while its had its bumpier moments - I will confess, it's been truly incredible, & I thank you, every single one of you, who's had even the slightest hand to make it so. you are all TOO KIND, & I appreciate you sticking by & enjoying what I do.

hopefully, I can continue to make things that grab your attention, AWE & AMAZE YOU, & beyond anything, make you smile, if only to repay you some for all the joy you provide me.

HERE'S TO 2024! with hopes & prayers & wishes aplenty that we'll be better people in better situations before it's over!

2023: JAN / FEB / MAR / APR / MAY / JUN / JUL / AUG / SEP / OCT / NOV / DEC + BONUS PIECE.

[midnightsnyx]

what if i told you (i love you) part 2 - joel miller

pairing: joel miller!fem reader

chapter summary: when joel and ellie's stay turns out to be longer than expected, you have to figure out how you're going to deal with having him around. word count: 1.9k warnings: insinuated smut, angst, mentions of death, mentions of abortion, little bit of fluff(?), and ellie being a cool big sister! let me know if i missed anything please. also this isn't edited lol sorry authors note: GUYS!!!! WHAT THE HECK! thank you all so so so much from the very bottom of my heart for all the love on the story. comments, reblogs, and likes feed my angsty writing soul <3 y'all are the best! please take caution to the warnings for this chapter and read safely <3 if anyone wants to send thoughts, suggestions ect, here is my ask box. and lastly, if you want to be added to my tag list please fill out this super short form here <3 oh one more thing! I know last chapter was in past tense but I hate writing that unless I’m doing flashbacks so from now on, it’s all present tense unless I do a flashback

masterlist what i write series masterpost

Boston 2018

The first time you could blame it on the bad liquor. The second time, you could say it was the adrenaline from nearly getting killed by a pack of clickers but the third time you found yourself underneath Joel Miller, there was nobody to blame but yourself. You’d been working with him and Tess for a couple years and always thought the two of them were together. However, while on a supply run with just Tess about a year after you met them, you discovered that while there was an initial attraction, things were strictly business between them. You really had no plans to deal with the man further than supply runs and trades but after you had a taste of what could be, you didn’t want to go without. 

You knew that things weren’t exclusive and never would be. It was simply a way for the both of you to blow off steam in this shitty world so after you missed your period not once, but twice, you realized that things might be more complicated than you had planned. Approaching Joel about the situation was not something you were looking forward to so you confided in Tess, who after scolding you, said you had two options. She knew a person who “took care of these problems” and could get your situation resolved with little to no damage or you could do what she thought was unfair, and bring a new life into the world that had become so cruel, most didn’t want to live anyway. You weighed your options for about a week, avoiding Joel whenever he tried to get you alone because all you wanted to do was blurt out that you were pregnant to get it off your chest but somehow, you knew how he would react. 

Everybody had lost someone during the outbreak and although it was never confirmed by Joel, you knew he’d lost a child. Somewhere inside you, there was a small hope that maybe this tiny little life inside you could help fill some of the void but it was smashed when you eventually told him.

His cold expression and cold words were hurtful but not unexpected. 

“How could you be so careless?” 

You’d argued with him for over an hour, the whole “it takes two to tangle” argument but eventually you had enough and told him if he wanted nothing to do with it, this was the time because you weren’t going to wait around forever. So when his last words to you were “leave”, you decided then and there that you were done with Joel Miller. You’d waited a few weeks after Tess asked you to even though you knew that he wouldn’t come around. The day you left, you said goodbye to Tess, telling her where you planned to go and told her if Joel asked about you, not to tell him anything. If you could help it, you planned to never see Joel again.

Jackson, Wyoming 2023

Much to your dismay, Joel is at the dining hall the next morning. He’s sitting with Tommy and Ellie but you can feel his eyes on you while you watch Jack eat his breakfast. It’s like a repeat of yesterday, only this time you’re worried that Hazel may have actually poisned his food. She grumbled when he walked in the doors but didn’t say much. 

Ellie eventually makes her way over to where you and Jack are sitting, shyly asking if she can sit with you and play with Jack. You hesitate but Jack gives you puppy eyes and you can never say no to him. Some of his facial expressions always reminded you of Joel but with the man actually being here now, you’re noticing it much more. You look over at him and his eyes are locked on the three of you sitting together so you look back at Ellie.

“So…” you begin, waiting for her to look up at you and when she does, you can see the mischievous look in her eyes. 

“You’re gonna ask me about Joel,” she grins, “y’know, he was talking to Tommy about you last night. They thought I was asleep but there was a lot of yelling.” 

“What exactly were they saying?” you ask, and she looks back at Jack, taking the piece of food he offers her. 

“I dunno, Joel was grumpy that Tommy didn’t tell him that you were here but Tommy told Joel that you didn’t want him to know,” she says, “he’s always grumpy though, so that’s nothing new.” 

You weren’t planning on asking her but you’re dying to know how exactly Joel ended up dragging a teenager all the way to Wyoming. 

“What’s the deal with you and Joel?” you ask, “not a long lost kid, are you?” 

She just laughs and shakes her head, “nah, I mean he acts like a dad but he’s just fulfilling a request from someone. I’m just cargo.” 

She says it non-chalantly but something in her expression changes, so small you barely notice. It’s there though but before you can question her further, she turns the tables back to you.

“What the deal with you and Joel? I mean, clearly the kid is his… did he-”

“Ellie,” a voice cuts in and you both jump, not noticing that Joel somehow snuck up on the both of you. Before either of you can answer, a little voice speaks up.

“Hi,” Jack says, waving at Joel who once again, looks shocked that there’s a child there. The boy offers him a handful of mushed up fruit and you watch as Joel hesitantly accepts it. 

You’ve watched Joel take down countless clickers and raiders so it amuses you that a toddler scares him. 

Jack takes a loud slurp of his water and tries to hand it to Joel before you take it from him, rolling your eyes. Ellie is watching the interaction with amusement and you can even see Tommy from across the hall, watching closely. 

“Who’re you?” Jack asks, trying to pass Joel more food. You take his plate, ignoring his grumbling. Another thing that Jack does that reminds you of Joel are his mood swings. Some days he is a chatterbox and others, you can barely get a peep out of him. Those days, he reminds you of Joel. 

When Joel looks at you, this time with panic written across his face, you shrug. You’re beginning to find this amusing because who knew all it would take is a toddler to break the big Joel Miller.

“Ellie, I have to go with Tommy for a bit. Don’t leave the four walls of this town,” he points at her when she raises her hands in defense, “I told Maria to keep an eye on you.”

“Don’t worry old man, I think I’ll hang out with these two,” she tells him but then shyly looks at you, “if that's alright.” 

You nod and watch as her face lights up. She goes back to talking to the little boy sitting next to her and you look at Joel who is shifting uncomfortably. 

“Uh, thanks,” he mumbles without looking at you before quickly walking back to Tommy. You watch the two of them leave, the older man casting one more glance you way before his brother pats him on the back firmly.

“He’s got it bad for you,” Ellie says absently, “like real bad. Were you two like, together?”

You stare at her for a solid minute, wondering where the hell this kid came from. Was she this blunt before? Or has Joel corrupted her?

“It’s complicated, and a long story.”

“Is it longer than a week? ‘Cause I think that’s how long we’re staying,” she says and you hide a frown. You’re still trying to find out exactly why they’re here and now you find out they’re only staying a week? You can’t decide if you are relieved or disappointed. 

“Why don’t we go for a walk?” You offer, wanting to get out of this conversation because talking about your non existent relationship with Joel to a 14 year old is at the bottom of your to-do list. “Jack likes seeing the sheep and horses.”

Ellie grins and you can’t help but smile when she offers her hand to Jack who accepts it eagerly. You can tell she’s trying to fill a void and you’re beginning not to mind.

. . .

Later that night after Jack is long asleep, you sit outside on your porch wrapped up in a winter jacket and blanket. It’s cold but you need some fresh air to try and get your thoughts straightened out. Ellie tried to bring up yours and Joel’s history multiple times but eventually gave up on it once she realized you weren’t going to say anything. You haven’t seen Joel since this morning, spending the day with Ellie and Jack, then eating dinner and dropping the girl off at the house she and Joel are staying at before going back to your own and putting your kid to bed.

Joel showing up out of the blue is bringing back too many memories, some good but some bad. 

Suddenly, a voice breaks you out of your thoughts and you curse Joel Miller again for sneaking up on you. Being in Jackson so long is making you let your guard down too much.

“Hey,” he says, standing at the bottom of your porch steps awkwardly, “the kid gone to bed?” 

Small talk. He is trying to make small talk. 

“What do you want, Joel?” You ask shortly, half wanting to leave before he says anything else but if he is seeking you out, you want to know what he is looking for from you.

“I, uh, I wanted to say thanks,” he says stumbling over his words, “for entertaining Ellie today. She was real pleased-”

“I didn’t do it for you,” you snap, “she’s a good kid.”

He just nods, staring at the ground and scuffing his boots on the dirt. You watch as he clears his throat and looks up at you, a sadness in his eyes that you’re not sure you’ve ever seen.

“Tess is gone,” he says, and even though you had your suspicions since she’s not with him and he travelling all the way here, his words feel like a punch in the stomach. 

“How?” 

“She got bit on our way here,” he tells you and you just nod, swallowing back tears. Six years ago, you might’ve let him comfort you but all you want now is to yell or scream at him. Ellie wouldn’t tell you why they were here or why she was with Joel and you know you won’t get anything out of him. You know the only reason for his late night visit is to break the news about Tess.

When you stand up, his mouth opens to protest but he just offers you the closest thing he has to a smile. It’s pitiful. 

You turn to walk inside but his voice stops you. Refusing to look at him, you pause but stay facing the door.

“He seems like a good kid,” he says quietly and you know he’s referring to Jack.

There’s a million things you can say to him, you can turn around and yell or scream at him. You could ask him why? Why did you push me away when I needed you? Why didn’t you want Jack? What hurt you so bad, that you couldn’t accept him?

Instead, you walk inside your house and close the door behind you.

. . .  

tag list: @sloanexx @wandering-poetess @o-sacra-virgo-laudes-tibii

@chiogarza @jellybeanxc @iranispunk @imonmykneessir @wakaladjarin @sleepylunarwolf @pedropascalfan221 @abovenyx

@starjoyyy @shuriri4life @cavillary

if i didn't tag you & you asked to be, it's cause you didn't show up when i tried! if it didn't work, msg me & we'll figure it out :)

[char-lie-spirals]

I would like to learn about the rest of the aus you mentioned here:3

Okay okay so!! I talked about some of them, so I'll just put the entire list under the cut and either link to my previous responses or cook something up! And what I cook up can possibly include a snippet of my writing too :]

Also since this is a lot of AUs/WIPs I'll try to be brief, but feel free to ask about more details on them!

Terminus' Ritual

This is an AU I've had for like a year now, and it answers a very simple question - What if the End HAD a ritual? That its avatars complete between mag 159 and mag 160? Simple answer - Zombies. And also some deaths getting reversed because getting a quick taste of it should make people more scared, and it's hard to keep a zombie apocalypse going with too few people. (This doesn't match the End's values, I Know.)

I have some notes on different characters' situations, who comes back etc etc but honestly the storyline I focused on the most is Oliver seeking shelter in Graham's old flat only for Graham to also be there, Pretty Confused about the passage of time between his death and now. :]

Graham gets spat out AU

Sasha gets replaced, NotSasha picks up the tape recorder and goes to dispose of the tape. The Artifact Storage is silent, but not empty, as a man who doesn't recall his own name wakes up on the floor. Okay this already sounds a bit like a snippet so I guess you can have a proper one too:

It was all pointless, you only suffered longer -- but is that truly pointless?

This one is a WIP in which I just wanted to explore the idea that the only reason Graham lived for so long was because he was scared that entire time, to the point the NotThem wasn't in much of a rush. It's pretty angsty, but can be bittersweet too if you look at it at the right angle and I am a simple man with a lot of hope in my heart. I've not been making much progress with it, and I'm not sure if I'll end it on the title-question and leave it up for the reader to decide, or if I'll provide my own answer, but let me say here: I don't think it was pointless. Not to me.

Michael(s) experience confusion

Already talked about this one here!

Graham Lives WITHOUT Becoming

Graham survives the events of MAG 003 because Oliver gets there in time to help him, and the two of them try to navigate the aftermath together. They go through many ups and downs, Oliver ends up becoming an Avatar himself, but Graham just kinda,, doesn't?? It just never happens. No fear claims him. At this point a lot of people are convinced he's an Avatar because of how his life is intertwined with the Fears but nope. Just some guy who can bluff pretty decently, gets lucky a lot, and loves his End-Avatar fiance a whole bunch :] (yes they're engaged now)

Graham Folger Lives because The Eye Is A Backseat Gamer

One of my Eye Graham AUs :] The main one, you could say! In this one, The Eye backseat-games his MAG 003 experience, and he Knows where to hide, what to do, and how to survive. After that, he goes on to start working at the institute, becomes an Archival Assistant after Jon's promotion, and goes through the horrors! I also talked about it Ages ago, right here- hold on that was in MAY???? 2023????? 10 months ago???? This is messed up.

Anyway! here's a little something I have written about it so far :]

DeathNote intro

Just me trying to explore how Graham and Oliver might've met, grown closer, gotten together and stayed together for 6 years :] No clue if I'll ever publish this and if so, if I'll use it as a backstory/background for one of my AUs or as its own stand-alone thing? But yeah it's just the two of them growing closer and falling in love :] You can have this snippet of it, too! It's their literal first meeting!

Antique seller Graham

Talked about this one here! I will probably do so again soon! But you can also have a snippet, since I guess writing all this really put me in a snippet mood! This is from this AU's version of Amy's statement :D

Cockroach Graham AU

I don't think I need to elaborate.

[spock-in-awe]

Star Trek Las Vegas 2023

It's been almost a week and I finally typed up my convention experience! I'm not going to go into the 2600+ word level detail but there are certain moments I really want to share. I'm wholly hyperfixating on Ethan, so I'm sorry I didn't get more of Anson's thoughts and comments!

I talked with Anson Mount once and Ethan Peck twice. Both of them are extremely kind! I told Anson that Hell on Wheels is one of my all-time favorite shows and finding out he was involved with "a certain show we can't name" made me so happy. He kind of did an eyebrow thing and said, "You can talk about the show," and I laughed. Obviously, I'm not the one on strike!

With Ethan, I showed him a Spock playing cello piece of fanart, and told him I also play cello. We talked about that for a little bit. My second time meeting him, I asked a question I had intended for his panel with Anson: what is a moment you might have spontaneously erupted into song that you're comfortable sharing? He replied very quickly that it would probably be a situation where he's ribbing his friends.

Random things from Anson and Ethan's panel on 8/6/23

-Ethan was all over the place as a child. His father gave him a rock that said "focus."

-Ethan claimed he only learned to act "like five years ago."

-When Anson gave Ethan compliments, Ethan thanked him and hugged him. When Ethan gave Anson compliments, he mentioned SNW by name and heavily regretted his lapse in the strike protocol.

-In response to a fan question, Ethan said "The Umbrellas of Cherbourg" is his favorite musical.

-In response to a fan question, Anson said he eats "whatever the fuck I want." Ethan added pretty much the same, but he really likes candy.

The next two I wrote down verbatim from my videos.

A fan asked about what they hope would remain after losing their memories.

Ethan: So the question is… you lose your memories, so what are you? (Pause). Huh. (Fan apologizes). No, that’s a great question! So, we all experience ourselves experiencing, right. There’s no singular awareness, there’s almost two. There’s the thing, the construct that interacts with the world, Ethan, for instance. And then there’s something in my that experiences Ethan experience. So maybe that other perspective, that awareness deep inside that seems to observe Ethan experiencing, that might be what’s left. And would hopefully be amused and continue to be thrilled, and surprised by the things that happen, right. I think it’s a wonderful goal to be present in the moment, so maybe it would be something like that.

A fan asked about organizations they're part of.

Ethan: …And they are working to restore the California wetlands, which is a very important agricultural space and um, you know, I’m still working to become better educated on how exactly they do it, but they work with an enormous team of biologists, and a lot of water has been pumped out of these natural aquifers in California. And it has compressed the soil so when it rains, they call it a hard pan, the water just runs off and there are floods and then droughts. So they are working to restore those underground water vaults, essentially. It’s an amazing organization. River Partners.org. Hopefully I’ll be working more formally with them upcoming. I think it’s just a really– you know, I’m a California, my father is, my grandfather (people cheer) (Ethan makes a laughing “chaaa” sound) I guess it’s something to applaud. I love California. It’s affecting my immediate geography and my home. And they’re working really intelligently to fix this problem which has major effects. You now, there’s a lot of produce that comes out of California to the rest of the country, a lot of water that comes from California to other parts of the country as well. So, check it out. Furthermore, I’m hoping to work more with JPL actually, Jet Propulsion Laboratories, in Pasadena. Because I want to, if I can, help spread interest in rational thinking (laughs). (can’t understand). And it’s a natural fit, you can use your imagination as to why.

Random things from Zachary and Ethan's panel on 8/6/23

Both Zachary and Ethan seemed absolutely thrilled to be on stage together.

According to Ethan, they hadn't ever met in person, and had spoken only briefly. Ethan said, "This is tripping me out."

Zachary talked about losing his father at a young age. Ethan shared feeling emotionally unsafe in certain circumstances as a child, and how he felt the need to intellectualize or tamp down those vulnerable emotions. Zachary said, "Similar!" Both referenced doing a lot of work (Zachary specifically said therapy), to counter these tendencies.

Zachary asked Ethan if he's done any stage work. Ethan confessed to being terrified of live audiences, which elicited a chuckle from the audience. Ethan added that because of this fear, he should probably do it.

One fan in line to ask a question ended up getting a free photo op with the two of them because she said she couldn't afford it!

That same fan asked about their hobbies. Zachary talked about plants and how he not only wants to keep them alive now, but propagate them.

Ethan: I started sailing lessons this year.

Zachary: That tops plants.

Ethan: I don’t know about that, plants are incredible. I hope it’s (sailing) something I can do as I age.

Zachary: Were you nautical? 

Ethan: No (chuckles). Not at all.

Zachary: Any interest or exposure to that before?

Ethan: No, not really. I’d been sailing once or twice but it’s funny, I kind of hate the beach. I don’t actually hate it. I hate sand, I hate sand being in my bed. That’s the main thing. It’s hard to avoid. I like looking at it from either the shore not in the sand, or on a boat.

Zachary said many positive things about the ST fandom. He also shared how important his relationship with Leonard Nimoy was. That Leonard passed the torch to him, and now he gets to pass it to Ethan.

IT WAS ALL AMAZING.

[fionnaskyborn]

I really want to make this post, right here, right now, so here it is. I really, really hope things'll work out for me, just this once. For context, earlier this year, my phone was subjected to an accidental factory reset. In case you're wondering how one could possibly do something that dire on accident, all you need is a faulty battery which will make it so that the process is one misclick away, no password confirmations, no double "yes" buttons or anything. I've been somewhere midway in the process of backing things up at that point in time, but unfortunately my writing was among the things I didn't grab before it all went to hell. Now, there's a chance that the data *could* be retrieved, albeit under lock and key, and made more future-proof (aka transferred onto an actual hard drive instead of being trapped in a decaying tomb that is the phone's native TLC NAND SSD chip). There's also a chance that the kind folks at the data recovery and extraction company will choose to say "no". The technology to pull unallocated files from my specific phone model has been around since 2020. There are a million things that could go wrong. There are just as many things that could go right. If they manage to pull that data from the phone, I just have to wait until the keys to access that data become reverse-engineerable, which, judging by the current developments in the relevant field, we might be looking at about a ten-year-long wait. I've been waiting for my life to get better for as long as I've had a consciousness, so that part, while hard, is manageable. Best case scenario, the only victim of my folly will be the first note in which I am cussing out 343 Guilty Spark like there's no tomorrow. While sad because, hey, historical relic, I can live with that. But worst case scenario, the entire goddamn thing is just gone, and I'll never fully recover. I've got a steady lifeline to keep me on this side of things, albeit I'm more uncertain about my own stability and faith in that situation, but I digress. None of this will have to be something I have to worry about if... things work out well for me, just this once. This was a huge disaster in a chain of huge disasters, which made me feel ways that are best left off the nigh-permanent shelves of tumblr dot com, but... this one's at least got a chance of being reversible. A hollow victory, which does not nullify the shame of the original mistake, but a victory still, because that's one less thing on a long list of things I have to grieve, and, hey. Wouldn't it be fun if, ten years down the line, you found me with the exact same scripts I wrote back in 2022-2023, plus a whole bunch of other stuff I made in the meantime between now and then? Maybe a few 3D models, perhaps? Some code, animated storyboards? All for a game I will never be able to make money off of due to legal issues, haha, but one that will undoubtedly have more of my heart and soul in it than anything else my hands have touched in my entire life? Wouldn't it be fun? Wouldn't it be fun if it all worked out?

[akfamilyhome]

YouTube 2023 Year in Review

Welp! Guess it's that time of year again. I'm sure 2023 has been a...pretty interesting year to say for quite a few people. And for me personally, it's also been a weird little year that's great in some parts and could be better in others.

What have I been up to?

My life right now is kinda divided into three parts:

A) the "IRL" stuff, as in working on my editing day job and spending time with family.

B) working on YouTube videos which I still have the passion for,

and C) playing video games, collecting cool things and socializing with my online friends.

I've always felt that it's difficult for me to put equal attention to all three, and lately, it definitely feels like I'm focusing on 'A' and 'C' more. Of course, my day job is kinda how I make a living at the moment so that obviously gets priority, but that doesn't mean I want to ignore my YouTube stuff! It's just hard to sneak in a few lines of script-writing while multitasking at a day job, and only being able to freely spend time on 'B' and 'C' during night isn't the most productive way to go about things, especially with other things that aren't YouTube production. I also have games I want to play, art I want to draw, folks I'd like to hang out with etc.

And that's a fine, healthy way of going about things online for regular folks! But I don't want my YouTube channel to stagnate as a result of this, because I still love making videos! I have support from folks on Patreon, and I still hope to continue growing the channel so that it becomes more sustainable to do frequent updates.

Part of me has always thought about just quitting my day job once I have a decent amount of money saved up and just try doing YouTube full-time and rely on Patreon, even if there's a very low chance it'd be sustainable. Of course, that's a big gamble, and I'm not truly sure if that's really the best way to go about things. But those are just my inner thoughts and I've rambled long enough...

So, I apologize for the above situation sort of being the root cause of the recent slower pace of my YouTube channel! The pace of the channel this year is about the same as in 2022, if not a little slower. I didn't really get a lot of dormant scripts from 2020-2021 off the ground, but being true to what I said in last year's Year in Review, I did end up working on a lot of spontaneous ideas even if there wasn't a "big" core video! In fact, I think almost every video released in 2023 that we'll discuss below were spontaneous ideas.

I'll talk more about what's to come for the channel in the end of the post, but for now, as usual, we'll take a look at each video I made during 2023 and I'll share my thoughts and some fun facts about each!

A Trip to the Hong Kong Kirby Pop-Up Store

Various things were put up on the channel from January to March, including a funny little short for Mario Day and a new trailer for a revamped Patreon, but the major thing I put out was a look at the Kirby Pop-Up Store in Hong Kong! This was my first time doing a scripted documentation of an in-person event, and Nintendo Hong Kong would eventually do more events like Nintendo Live 2023 Hong Kong, and I'll definitely be talking about them on my channel eventually!

As for fun facts...uhh...I suppose Patreon patrons get to see the full unedited raw footage I took from the event lol

Top 10 Nintendo Trivia You NEVER Knew

This year's April Fools video...was also a last-minute sort of idea, if I recall correctly! The concept is simple: it's a parody of generic Top 10 trivia videos in terms of presentation, but the curveball is instead of just doing other blatantly obvious fun facts, the facts would actually be super obscure, inconsequential Nintendo facts that barely anyone would've known about, so in the end it's kind of a legit trivia video in a twisted way. The facts in the video were sourced from new research, me asking friends for suggestions and some of my old posts on Twitter, so there were a few 'fun' facts that were left on the cutting room floor, and here's a good place to share them!

In an early version of the GameCube instruction manual, Mario 64 was used as a placeholder game

The infamous 'black box' in Super Mario 64 DS is not a visual glitch as commonly believed, and briefly appears in E3 2004 footage

Prototype screenshots of Mario 64 have appeared in an early print of the game's box art...and on a Nintendo Monopoly board in 2006 (next to the ? Block on the right side of the board if you're looking)

The Onion in Hey! Pikmin has white and purple in its colors, even though white and purple Pikmin never appear in the game

The original 3DS had two separate sets of black & white colors, for some reason

And to finally come clean...yes, around 30% of the video's script was generated using ChatGPT, as part of the joke. Mostly the introductory bits at the beginning of each segment, since it definitely did not give me the results I wanted when I asked it to describe the specific details of each fact, so y'know, hopefully that's a sign it's not coming for my job of talking about obscure Nintendo things! And don't worry, this will probably be the only time I ever use AI in my videos.

The Better N64 Wavebird Experience

This is a follow-up to a 2021 video where I also used the N64 Switch Online controller on an original N64, albeit with a different adapter! This actually isn't a case where I received a free product to do a review on, I just happened to read about a better alternative, pre-ordered it online, it arrived in April and I decided to knock out a quick review/comparison video in 2 days!

As such, this is more of standard informative review video, but in all honesty, I still really like this setup, and it's in my opinion still one of the best controller options for original N64 games. So much so, that I recently completed my NSO controller collection by picking up a Sega Mega Drive 6-button NSO controller to eventually use with my original Mega Drive! I'm still looking for the compatible 8bitDo adapter though, so maybe when I eventually do, that can be a quick little video on the Plus channel for patrons!

The Most Expensive amiibo

This is my favorite video I put out this year! The Qbby amiibo has always been in my sights for a while, and I've gone on record saying that I'd make a video on it if I got my hands on one.

Back in 2019, I once saw a Qbby amiibo being offered on Yahoo Auctions for a relatively cheap price, but to afford it I asked for extra donations via Ko-fi. Looking back on it now there were probably better options I could've taken, but either way the listing got cancelled and I refunded everyone who donated for that. Then sometime later I saw another relatively cheap BOXBOY package in a local listing, but then the seller never replied and deleted the listing, so the amiibo has eluded me until now, and there seems to be no signs of Qbby stock going down any time soon. My hope for a Qbby reprint continues, and hopefully this video still serve as a little awareness boost for folks who are wondering why he's one of the most expensive amiibo around!

Some of the gag editing on this one got spruced up a little bit which I enjoyed doing, but you also probably noticed that I got a turntable specifically for those glamour shots! ...yeah, I'll probably get more use of that thing later on as well.

The Kirby Battle Royale online joke wasn't exaggeration: I couldn't find anyone to play online with! I suppose that is to be expected for, y'know, playing a mid 3DS game in 2023, but it's a shame that Kirby Battle Royale doesn't at least offer a option to play with friends, and from some experimentation, it seems that two of my US-based friends were able to match with each other online while I couldn't, which also suggested some region-based matchmaking was at play. Oh well! There are some better 3DS games out there that I'd still like to play online one last time before their servers shut down this April.

Tetris...on a McDonald's Nugget

Continuing the trend of 'make video on a recent find' for the third video in a row, it's the China-exclusive McDonald's Tetris Chicken McNugget! For an unscripted Things of Interest video, it turned out pretty well, kinda like the Rhythm Tengoku arcade video in 2022! Compared to the first unscripted TOI back in like 2018, I've definitely gotten a bit better at rambling since.

I was kind of a few days late to the party, and some other videos about the Tetris Nugget from larger channels have racked up more views since, but that's not really the point! As a casual Tetris fan that happens to be in proximity to mainland China, something as bizarre as this is totally right up my alley. Covering China-exclusive gaming stuff just kinda reminds me that I have yet to do a video on the iQue Player though, which I really want to...

FlashBoy Plus: The $95 Virtual Boy Flashcart

I haven't really taken a YouTube sponsorship deal yet, but I do get emails about doing reviews or ad reads of items on occasion, like new Switch gaming accessories from different third parties and whatnot. Unfortunately, that's not really the type of stuff I do regularly on the channel unless I find a great angle to tackle it from, so the only review offer I've done on the channel until now is a limited Switch physical release in 2020.

When I was offered to review the FlashBoy Plus, I was definitely intrigued despite having already previously covered the HyperFlash 32, a technically better option! Virtual Boy flashcarts are already a very niche thing, so I gladly took the opportunity to take a look at any new option out there, and even if it's not a mainstream topic at all it does kinda appeal to me specifically.

In the video, I mentioned the (very cool looking) clear cartridge shell was not a publicly available option yet at the time of the review, but looking at the order site now, it has been added since! So hey, good for them! It is honestly pretty sick to have a transparent Virtual Boy cartridge.

Playing PC Games with the SNES Mouse & Famicom Keyboard

I started work on the next core video right after the FlashBoy Plus video (more on that in the last section), but getting sick during early December forced me to delay it, so for that month I decided to do one last spontaneous idea: a followup to the 2021 video where I used the Famicom keyboard and SNES Mouse on a computer...but this time on a proper PC!

A thing that was brought up in the comments was one setting in particular: when I was changing the mouse settings in the Control Panel, there was a 'Enhance pointer precision' option that I didn't uncheck, which presumably slows down the mouse for precise movements. There wasn't a super noticeable difference when I unchecked it during further testing, but when I coupled it with further increasing the mouse sensitivity in games that allow you to change it in-game, I was actually able to get the SNES Mouse to move at a decent pace in some games! Of course, that requires tweaking with additional settings that would normally be overkill for a regular mouse, so it's still not practical, but at least there was a setup that would alleviate some of my complaints in the video.

Akfamilyhome Plus videos

Over on my second channel Akfamilyhome Plus, once again there's a variety of stuff! There's Mario Wonder memes, a new high quality video game rip album, archival footage and more. If there's one thing you should check out though, it's the supercuts of me playing Everybody 1-2-Switch with my Discord server. It's the best kind of chaos. Long live Kitchen Timer 4.

This year, 8 new unscripted bonus videos were released publicly! You can enjoy watching me:

Visit the 3DS eShop on its final day of operation

Check out the Nintendo DSi XL Demo Video carts

Look through gaming goodies on a Chinese second-hand market

Unseal Captain Toad Treasure Tracker for the 3DS

Read through the 2010 Nintendo Anti-Piracy Manual

Unbox a complete copy of the original GBA Play-Yan

Compare the two popular 3DS capture card models

And check out the Nintendo Power...rewritable cartridge!

And over on Patreon, 8 more exclusive videos are also available, featuring things like a slew of Nintendo cleaning kits, iQue DS games, the Chinese Mario Movie DVD and more! As always if you don't want to wait till some of them rotate into public availability, they're all available on Patreon for just $1 USD a month!

The fuuuuture

Okay, so what's next for 2023?

I mean 2024. Oh god the typos are already starting.

Right before the FlashBoy Plus video came out, in late June 2023, I did a video topic poll on Patreon, asking what idea I should do next. Out of the four options given, one of them is a continuation of a limbo project from 2021, and the other three were spontaneous new core video ideas I came up with and wanted to do.

Well, one of the spontaneous new ideas won the poll, so the next core video is...

A look at the camera and sound apps on both the Nintendo DSi and 3DS! I originally wanted to get this out in December, and you all know what happened to that plan, BUT the script is done, the VO recording is done, footage recording is well underway and I am confident I'll be able to get it out this January. I really like how the script for this one shaped up and am commissioning some banger thumbnail art for it (🐦), so I REALLY hope you'll look forward to it!

Afterwards, there are a few in-progress ideas that I also want to work on for quick videos afterwards. As mentioned above, I visited Nintendo Live 2023 Hong Kong which was hosted on November, and ALSO the Nintendo Hong Kong Pop-Up Store which is running from December to January, so both of those would make for a perfect video in a similar vein as the Kirby Pop-Up Store video last year!

I also went on a trip to Japan last August, and took quite a bit of photos and footage. I still want to share my findings and experiences of being in Tokyo for the first time that I could remember, so there will be a fun little piece about that going on the Plus channel in the future!

And don't forget, I'm making a video about every game I beat during 2023, continuing the thing I started last year!

And after ALL of the above is done, I still have the remaining core video ideas from the June Patreon poll I did, since I did say I'd eventually love to do all of them, and that desire still hasn't gone away. I don't know how the rest of 2024 will go for this channel but I'd say this is a fantastic starting point, and I hope it'll all go up from there, since I'd really love to be more productive on here, while trying to keep that A-B-C balance in check!

So yeah! That's it for the 2023 Year in Review. If you've made it all the way to the bottom, thank you for reading! Here's a 25-use invite link to my Discord server as a little something! Thank you to all of you who've supported me this past year, whether you're a viewer or a patron, and I hope to keep up the work this year and try to strive for better!

[rafaelsilvasource]

9-1-1: Lone Star’s Ronen Rubinstein and Rafael Silva on TV wedding and the beauty of queer love

9-1-1: Lone Star fans will finally see TK Strand (Ronen Rubinstein) and Carlos Reyes (Rafael Silva) get married in the two-part season four finale

BY REBECCA LEWIS | Hello! Magazine, May 2023

After four years, some false starts, and far too many near-death experiences,  9-1-1: Lone Star fans will finally see TK Strand (Ronen Rubinstein) and Carlos Reyes (Rafael Silva) get married in the two-part season four finale on Tuesday May 16, 8/7c. But it's not going to be smooth-sailing, as fans have already been promised a tragedy that will strike — and change the trajectory of their lives forever.

"It's a blessing to be given these storylines," Rafael, 28, says on the set of HELLO!'s digital cover shoot in Los Angeles, "It's not every day that you get a story like this with juicy scenes where you have to focus and step up."

Fans already know that Lyndsy Fonseca will return as Carlos' best friend Iris, but the two episodes will see other surprises on-screen as TK and Carlos — known by their portmanteau Tarlos — lean on each other as they work through the shocking complications.

Ronen and Rafael met in 2019 when they were cast as TK, an NYC firefighter who moves to Austin with his father, Captain Owen Strand (Rob Lowe), and Carlos, an openly gay Latino police officer in the Austin PD.

Their relationship has become the focal point for the Fox drama, and a beloved character all its own, and the decision to have them finally wed means so much to so many, especially at a time in the US when conservative legislation has been attacking the LGBTQ community, making this wedding all the more poignant and important.

Over the past four years, the two actors have built such a bond on and off-screen that even among all the "chaos around us on set," as Ronen describes it, they are able to stay focused on telling their stories.

That connection also helped Ronen, 29, come out publicly as bisexual in 2021; he credited Rafael at the time as one of a few people, along with wife Jessica Parker Kennedy and stylist Chaise Dennis, for encouraging and supporting him to live his truth.

"I shouldn't be here," says Ronen. "Little Ronen's from the slums of Staten Island, growing up as a degenerate and fighting, doing drugs, and not going to school, we don't really get to come full circle to this sort of position."

Truth and love are what Rafael and Ronen both hope is the lingering legacy of this show, and these characters, no matter how many more seasons it stays on air. "I hope this inspires people, in the simplest way, to say, Love yourself," said Rafael.

When you think back over the last four years, and see the growth of Tarlos as a couple, and TK and Carlos as individuals, has there been anything that has truly surprised you?

Ronen: Not surprised, but I am most proud of their communication skills! We've seen the evolution of these two, and what were terrible communication skills!

I mean, Carlos made TK a beautiful dinner and then he stormed out like a little bitch! But it's all thanks to the writers; the fact that they were able to connect all the moments up to this level of communication which we saw in episode 16, when Carlos says, "Even if you don't remember who I am, I will stay in this, and love you and stay with you and support you and I'll introduce myself, 'Hi, you're TK and I'm Carlos and we're soulmates.'"

How have TK and Carlos changed you as actors?

Ronen: I don't even know where I would start. It's changed me as a person but as an actor it definitely has taught me speed and efficiency. After Lone Star, I'll be ready for any sort of set in any sort of situation. We're on this massive production, but sometimes it still feels like you're in an independent film when you get a script the day before.

This show has also given me the opportunity to provide a life for myself, and my wife, that I didn't necessarily have growing up.

I shouldn't be here. Little Ronen's from the slums of Staten Island, growing up as a degenerate and fighting, doing drugs, not going to school, we don't really get to come full circle to this sort of position. It's a blessing.

Rafael: I wanted to go to grad school before I booked Lone Star, but God has a way of showing you that life is your school. When I booked Lone Star, I felt so inadequate but now I realize it's healthy to have some doubt — and I love the fact that I talk about this now without any sense of feeling like an impostor, because if we don't talk about these things, we dehumanize these very human experiences.

Carlos has allowed me to learn a lot just simply by watching, listening and playing. I'm extremely grateful that it has changed me as a professional, and also the way I see myself, and the kinds of stories I want to tell. Now I say, 'Know why you're doing something and don't be shy to be yourself, go for the truth,' and I think that's something that this show has truly required of Rafael.

What would you say to 2018 Rafael who cried in the bathroom after his audition?

Rafael: Do exactly what you did and be exactly who you were. It's OK to feel all of those feelings — like you don't belong here because that is what you were being told, but you had to be that person in that moment in order to be this person here today I don't think there's such a thing as a coincidence.

Jim Parrack (who plays Judd Ryder) says, "Coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous," and for me it's a sense of trusting life and the work  —  and when I speak of this, it comes from a place of humility and not necessarily any attachment to religious indoctrination that is going on today to put others down.

I want to make that very clear, that it comes from my relationship with God, [and] a world where everyone belongs, everyone has a place, everyone has a voice and no one needs to close themselves off or hide.

Ronen, what has it been like building your relationship with Rob Lowe?

Ronen: I walked into the audition room for our chemistry read, Rob went to shake my hand and he looked me right into the eyes and he said, "Yep, that's it." We had a spark from the moment we met, but when Rob's on set, there is no time to mess around, everybody brings their highest game, and that's also why I love our father-son scenes so much.

We're very lucky we get given really special storylines; from the moment we meet those two, the bond is so strong and it's just been a beautiful place to build from - and now he's my best man at the wedding.

Does the pressure of the meaning of 'Tarlos' to so many, and what it has become outside of the show, get to you?

Ronen: No, I don't let it get to me. I feel like a lot of pressure is self-made; I don't know if this is just the way I was raised but I am able to compartmentalize really well. I stick to the root of things:the character, the story.

I do appreciate seeing what the fans think and and feel, and this actor-fan relationship is becoming really beautifully interwoven, especially when you get to meet the fans, but I'm able to separate the two. The core of everything is always the work, because if these characters aren't fully lived in and we're not giving our everything, we're not giving our heart and soul to these characters? Then I don't know if fans would necessarily connect with them as intensely.

I won't share what me and Rafa talk about, but the beauty of this whole situation is that I've been able to lean on Rafa, and Rafa has been able to lean on me through all this, because nobody knows what we're going through except for us. Fans can feel that we really care about these two guys — and we care about them maybe more than anyone because it literally is on our shoulders.

But I'm just very lucky to be on this journey with Rafa, because this could be really stressful if you're working with someone that you don't get along with ,or vibe with, on a professional level.

Rafael: As soon as you start making it about you because you were listening to people's opinions, or the critics… As an actor I need to stay focused because at the end of the day, the reason why Carlos and TK get so much attention is because the focus has always been on the character.

In theater, it's always about making it about the other person. When you're doing a scene, always make it about the other person, and that's the work that as actors we need to do with our characters, make it about the character. Forget the noise.

What do you hope the legacy of Tarlos is?

Rafael: I hope it inspires people, in the simplest way, to say, Love yourself.

We had these two broken characters that reacted very differently to their brokenness. One of them abused substances, the other one isolated himself, and both were responses to trauma. When you neglect who you are it's because that's what you were shown from your closest people, so we had two broken characters who came together because I think they were both yearning for a deep connection, not only with each other but with themselves.

I can only hope these two characters and their love can inspire you to, if not completely love and believe in yourself, but to start that conversation with yourself.

[animebw]

Seasonal Reflection: Summer 2023 Anime

I've noticed over my years of seasonal anime watching that summer tends to be the weakest season of the year. For whatever reason, everyone saves their good shows for winter, spring or fall, leaving the middle of the year to limp along with few real standouts. But god almighty, even by those standards, this was a dismal fucking season of anime. Forget just not having many good shows, there were so few shows that even had the potential to be good. Trying to find anything with a fighting chance of turning out even halfway decent felt like trawling for nuggets of half-digested corn in an overflowing septic tank of obviously bad isekai, obviously bad light novel junk, and obviously bad wish-fulfillment rom-coms. And then, just to add insult to injury, basically all the shows that did start out strong ended up tripping over themselves in some way. So not only were there so few anime even worth keeping up with this season, none of them managed to score anything higher than "pretty good." This is, unquestionably, the worst anime season I've sat through since I started watching seasonally. So let's take stock of the few shows I kept up with and pray for better things once the much-more-promising fall season gets under way.

Zom 100: Bucket List of the Dead: Unfinished/10

Well, isn't this unfortunately ironic. The increasingly exploitative conditions that anime is made under have resulted in so many high-profile shows suffering production delays as their animators crash up against the cruelty of overwork and corporate greed. But there's something particularly disquieting when that fate befalls a show that's all about breaking free from your shitty exploitative job. Zom 100 sets out to extol the joys of living a free life unchained by capitalism's cruel clutches even in the midst of the end of the world, but ends up so ravaged by those very chains that it was unable to finish its run before it ran out of timeslots. And now its last three episodes are left in limbo, the entire production team waiting for a chance to recover and find some way to bring their work to a close. It's a pretty bleak situation that almost makes you believe a zombie apocalypse would actually be preferrable to our current state of affairs. Especially when, uh, this is not a show you want to give the audience extra time to think about. Cause the more you think about it, the more all its aggravating flaws- painfully simplistic moralizing, a sexist streak that refuses to just fucking die- start to sour your good feelings for the rollicking ride it's taking you on. I can only hope the final episodes, whenever they arrive, close it out on a strong enough note to make the ride feel worth it.

Mushoku Tensei Season 2 (1st Cours): 1/10

I have stewed long and hard over how to phrase my thoughts on the second season of Mushoku Tensei. I've agonized for hours on how to express how viscerally, repulsively infuriating this show has become. But ultimately, there's only one thing I can say: Fuck this show and fuck everyone who likes it. Fuck every free ride this show gives Rudeus so he never had to face consequences for his actions. Fuck the hypocritical stabs at "redemption" that only serve to excuse and justify every female character slobbering over an unrepentant pedophile. Fuck the single worst use of slavery I've ever seen in an isekai (Cannot fucking believe I have to give Shield Hero credit for anything). Fuck this lifeless waste of a cast that steadfastly refuses to have a single interesting member. Fuck the misogyny. Fuck the masturbatory woe-is-me manpain. And most of all, fuck every last braindead, media-illiterate mouth-breather who decided to turn this irredeemable garbage into a modern anime classic. The success of Mushoku Tensei is the death of everything I love about this medium, and I will never forgive any of you for bringing us to this point. Go. Fuck. Yourselves.

My Happy Marriage: 4/10

God, I really wanted to like this one more than I did. Isn't it great to see high-profile shoujo anime with impressive productions making a comeback after years of drought? And this is a story about trauma and healing and discovering your self worth and all that good stuff! This should've been right up my alley. And yet, My Happy Marriage just left me frustrated and somewhat offended. There's such a powerful story buried in here somewhere, but thanks to a combination of painfully overwrought melodrama that robs its heroine of far too much agency, a poorly handled supernatural twist on the Cinderella formula that only grows increasingly awkward the more it tries to force the two together, and a condescending undercurrent that seems to think the only cure for years of abuse is embracing a hyper-traditionalist form of wifely duties, that nugget of potential never has the chance to blossom. What an utter disappointment.

Saint Cecilia and Pastor Lawrence: 5/10

Rejoice, folks; we've finally found the mathematical average of the slice-of-life moe romance. Saint Cecilia and Pastor Lawrence is the platonic ideal of the fluffy, disposable rom-com made flesh, pleasant and harmless while watching but leaving no lasting impression once it's done. It's a collection of cute character moments, amusing gags, and occasional stabs at emotion that sometimes tug at your heartstrings a bit, all arranged in their proper places with a likable cast and bouncy animation and just enough energy to stay moderately interesting all the way through. And aside from the somewhat unique setting of a Medieval church as home base for our two awkward lovebirds, none of it lingers in your mind once the episode ends and you find yourself forgetting all the jokes you were just chuckling to. Which may seem like a backhanded complement, but honestly? This is what I would consider the baseline for anime rom-coms. If you're gonna just be fluffy and disposable, this is the absolute minimum you should be aiming for to make me appreciate spending twenty-four minutes every week with you. I can't really recommend it to anyone but the most ravenous rom-com fans, but at least now I have a standard to judge any similar shows that fall short of the mark.

Sugar Apple Fairy Tale Season 2: 5.5/10

What strikes me most about Sugar Apple Fairy Tale now that it's over is just what an ambitious show it turned out to be. It's one thing to write a hackneyed fantasy racism metaphor about fairy slavery into your swoony shoujo romance, it's quite another to actually try and engage honesty with the implications of that idea as the core driving force of your narrative. And whatever else you might say about it, SAFT is really, truly making an effort to explore discrimination and systemic bigotry, tackling it from so many angles over the course of its 24 episodes without shying away from its thorny complexity. How many other stories like this would dedicate an entire subplot to showing how victims of one kind of discrimination can still perpetuate harm on groups even lower on the social totem pole like SAFT does with Brigit? Or explore how toxic systems of control don't magically get better just because a minority is at the helm like Lafalle? It's that kind of ambition that makes it easier to take this show's stumbles in stride, numerous though they might be at times. I'll always appreciate an earnest, messy attempt at making a statement over a safe, line-toeing space filler without the conviction to even try.

Horimiya Piece: 6/10

So this is a weird situation where the first season of Horimiya ended up rushing through the source material in order to adapt the whole story, and now this side-quel is going back and adapting all the content the first season skipped over. Essentially, it's a Horimiya DLC, scattered skits with no real cohesion or progression that just exist to give you more good times with the cast you love. But hey, Horimiya was never really heavy on plot to begin with; it's always been more a collection of moments across the lives of these friends than anything else. So I don't see anything wrong with doing a full season of just slice-of-life shenanigans, since that's basically what the first season became once Hori and Miyamura got together. And if nothing else, I certainly appreciated all the extra time with these lovable goofballs; this show does a better job than most of capturing the sheer, absolute chaos that teenage friend groups can cause amongst each other. Unfortunately, there are two episodes in the back half that truly, utterly suck- episode 9 is completely focused on the creepy pedophile teacher the show thinks is just the most hilarious joke ever, and episode 12 faceplants into romanticizing abusive relationships in a really gross way. So if you're gonna check Horimiya Piece out, do yourself a favor and skip those episodes entirely. Your experience will be better off for it.

Undead Murder Farce: 6.5/10

Pulp is a hard style to define, isn't it? You'd think it would be easy with how influential and popular it's been over the years. Ultimately, though, you just gotta know it when you see it. And Undead Murder Farce is pulpier than a thousand trees being turned into paper at an orange juice factory. It's a Victorian-era serial mystery extravaganza that turns the entirety of 19th-century supernatural adventure literary canon into the backdrop for a rakugo-performing half-oni and a severed immortal head to traipse through solving mysteries as they pursue a larger goal. Over the course of their adventures, they match wits and butt heads with vampires, werewolves, Sherlock Holmes, Phileas Fogg from Around the World in 80 Days, The Phantom of the Opera, Arsene Lupin, Frankenstein's Monster, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. And thanks to the director of Kaguya-sama at the helm, the visual presentation is exactly as gonzo and freewheeling as this brazen OC fanfiction deserves. I enjoyed every second of this goofy-ass show, and I hope we get a second season to see which classic characters our wisecracking immortal detectives rub elbows with next. It's what we deserve.

Jujutsu Kaisen Season 2 (1st Part): 7/10

It's increasingly difficult to pin down my feelings on Jujutsu Kaisen. On the one hand, it regularly delivers some of the coolest, most lavishly animated punch-ups in modern anime. On the other hand, is that enough to cover for the story's incredible lack of focus and constant zig-zagging between different ideas at the drop of a hat? Like, I might need more than ten fingers to count how many times this show just drops in the middle of building up a status quo to shift gears into something entirely different without giving proper closure to what's come before. On the other other hand, though, season 2's backstory arc finally gave us an actual driving force for the story and a strong emotional framework to understand the stakes at play, except then it almost immediately reverses on that idea by revealing one of the critical characters has been dead the whole time and his story's suddenly over just when it was really getting under way, and... eh. Look, I like Jujutsu Kaisen, and its spectacular action and hilarious character interactions are usually enough to help me forgive its overly convoluted plotting (especially this season with its massive upgrade in directorial flourish and experimental animation). But at some point I'm really gonna start wondering if any of this nonsense will ever amount to more than a slapped-together framework to justify the fights.

Fate/Strange Fake Episode 0: 8/10

It's probably not a good sign that the only anime to really inspire me this season was basically just a prologue for a show that's still being made as we speak. But with how barren this season has been, I'll take my victories where I can. And sweet buttery Jesus, am I glad that Strange Fake is getting a full adaptation. After years of having no interest in Fate beyond the core story, one of these endless spinoffs finally manages to grab me hook line and sinker. And all it took was the author of Baccano and Durarara filtering the concept of the Holy Grail War through his particular penchant for sprawling, chaotic ensemble stories full of truly deranged characters slamming the full weight of their personalities against each other for the sheer fun of it. Add a mesmerizing new visual style from a longtime key animator making his directorial debut, and the result is an epic hour-long masterclass introduction that leaves you breathless for more. This is what Fate/Zero's first episode should have been. And sure, it could still go horribly off the rails at some point, but for now, I choose to remain hopeful. May this promise of better things to come prove a welcome omen as we leave this miserable anime season behind.

Shows I Dropped:

The Girl I Like Forgot Her Glasses: Dropped at 2 episodes for extreme GoHands over-animation, and just being a painfully cringey male fantasy rom-com.

Atelier Ryza: Dropped at 1 episode for being boring and generic as fuck. Only worth it for the hilariously crowbarred-in fanservice shots and I can just look those up on their own.

Reign of the Seven Spellblades: Dropped at 2 episodes for some of the most cringe-worthy DeviantArt-tier writing I've ever seen.

The Masterful Cat is Depressed Again Today: Dropped at 2 episodes for just being boring, even though it's way better than GoHands' other monstrosity this season.

Bang Dream It's MyGo: Dropped at 1 episode for just not vibing with it, idk.

[pandorasword]

Chaeri as the 8th and youngest member of BTS.

Chaeri's masterlist

❒ Requested ✓

❒ members: Hoseok; Jimin

❒ genre: Fluff

❒ words: 2.3k+

❒ summary: In which Dior's fashion show becomes just an excuse to forget about the hiatus

❒ notes: I really don't know how to give genres to my writings, PLEASE give me some lessons about it lol + I didn't proofread it so be nice

❒ warnings: Mentions of a broken ankle; mentions of the hiatus (💔); mentions of enlisting

「 The Holy Trinity at the Dior fashion show: Jimin, J-hope, Chaeri 」

January 2023

Paris.

For years she'd had mixed feelings about that city. Paris had raised her, sheltered her in its beautiful streets, taught her the language described as 'the most beautiful in the world', and introduced her to people she would never forget. Yet, that same city had taken away something equally important from her.

Returning there, on no occasion, was never a choice made for pleasure or melancholy, but always for work. The more she kept away from it the better it was for her mental health. And in any case, every time she had been there since that far-off 2013 she always had the members of her group beside her. "This time would be no different" She had told herself that throughout the flight from Korea to France, faced alone with the staff members. There she would meet Jimin and Hobi. Thanks to them, she would feel more relaxed.

Too bad they had not left together. The hiatus had begun and everyone was busy with their own projects as soloists.

Well, for her everything had actually stopped at the beginning of the year, when a snowboarding accident had forced her into an ankle brace and numerous sleepless nights because of the hurt. In fact, that was the first event she had attended since BTS began their break.

She would not be as glorious as she would have liked, with her leg still bandaged, but she was not going to back down.

≫ ──── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ──── ≪

Walking in on crutches at the entrance of such an elegant and important event as the Dior fashion show bothered her a bit, but it was even more bothersome when she had to spend a few minutes posing for the cameras without them.

Standing unsupported still created twinges in her ankle that, if she hadn't studied for years how to hide the discomfort from her face, everyone would have noticed

"Chaeri, tu es la plus belle" "Chaeri, regarde ça. Souriez-moi" "Bienvenue chez toi, Cheriè"

Although all the photographers were praising her, she couldn't wait to get herself out of that situation. The pain was growing by the second.

As she turned her face to signal to some of the staff that she had enough and wanted her crutches back, she felt first two warm hands rest on her hips and then her arm carried over the shoulders of the person who had arrived at her side.

Her eyes almost started to tear up when she saw who it was: Hobi

Her Hobi, always there to support her. He literally did that time.

"Is it better?" His contagious smile made her feel instantly well. She leaned against him as best she could, not straining her injured leg.

"It is now" She gave him a soft kiss on the cheek which the paparazzi captured instantly

≫ ──── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ──── ≪

Hobi helped her the whole time, gave her the opportunity to lean on him whenever she needed it, he even offered to carry her all the way inside the event but she quickly declined "I'd become the main event if you carry me as a bride inside."

"Sweetie, you already are the main event. Have you looked around?"

≫ ──── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ──── ≪

As they approached the end of the carpet, always with Hobi as her support and help to walk without making a fool of herself, Chaeri's face lit up the moment she saw Jimin, not far ahead, sitting among the crowd of other celebrities. His face was continually lighted up by overly close paparazzi who kept asking him to pose for them, and he, not at all bothered by it, smiled and did as he was asked. An angel. He was sitting rather uncomfortably, though, as he tried with one arm to cover as much space as possible at his side to keep room for the two who were about to get close to him.

The girl slipped out of Hobi's hold, now only a few steps away from Jimin, and quickly covered those few steps that separated them "Hey! Take it easy" J-hope stood behind her, entertained yet worried at the same time about his "little sister's" ankle. She nearly launched herself at Jimin for a hug. Not very stylish, however, she definitely couldn't care less at that moment. She was not used to being away from her members, so seeing them again caused her emotions that she was unwilling to hold back. J-hope laughed and shook his head. "You two are like a couple of kids” he teased, but his heart was warmed by the sight of his two friends reuniting “The kids you raised” “True”

≫ ──── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ──── ≪

The lights on the celebrities attending the event were dimmed, almost completely off. The runway on which the models walked in the season's most exclusive and fashionable clothes was lit up, instead. The music so loud you could barely hear what the person next to you was saying.

The three of them sitting in the front row looked at the endless array of accessories, coats, and branded shoes.

As exclusive an event as it might have been, an honor to be invited to, Chaeri couldn't deny that she was bored to death.

She wasn't the type of girl to enjoy being still and silent for so long, especially when she had cameras pointed at her and had to ponder all her movements.

As if Jimin could read her mind, he leaned over just enough to have his lips attached to her ear “How's your ankle feeling? Any better? I didn't have a chance to ask you before.” By the time the three members of BTS had reunited, the paparazzi had gone wild and demanded a series of pictures that ended only at the beginning of the show.

“It's still a little sore. But I'm looking forward to getting back to my normal routine soon, if I don't die of boredom first tonight”

Jimin was quick to cover his mouth with one hand to suppress a laugh, "Oh come on, you're not enjoying this?"

“It's all too stuffy and too formal. About fifty models must have gone by already, they are so fast that I can't even look at them properly”

“This is how fashion shows work, Chaeri-ya”

“If I ever manage to host such an event for my brand, it will be very different from this one”

“I would really like to be your main model”

“Fine, you’re hired. Now, please entertain me”

“I’ll whisper some funny commentary in your ear to make it more interesting.”

And so they went on, whispering all the while to each other's ears.

≫ ──── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ──── ≪

After the Dior fashion show Chaeri, J-hope and Jimin emerged from the building to the sound of paparazzi and fans shouting their names. They smiled and waved, thanking the crowd for the support before ducking into a waiting car. 

Per their requests, bodyguards had agreed to carry the group in the same car. They would have dinner together and then each would be driven back to different hotels to continue with the activities scheduled by the company.

≫ ──── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ──── ≪

As they entered the restaurant, the hostess stared at them, clearly taken aback by their glamorous attire. Chaeri had directed the driver to take them to that quaint little restaurant that served simple yet delicious French cuisine.

Not the typical restaurant Bangtans were used to eat at by then. 

It was rather tight, very rustic and informal. So informal that they, in their fancy clothes, looked like a clunky note in a perfect score.

"Bonsoir, nous aimerions une table pour 3 personnes, s'il vous plaît"

They were seated at a cozy table in the corner of the restaurant and handed menus. The young waitress's eyes were out of their sockets, clearly having recognized them, she was so nervous that she spent as little time as possible next to their table in order to not appear to be oppressive

Chaeri, a French food expert, took it upon herself to order for everyone. She asked for a bottle of wine and two large plates of coq au vin and beef bourguignon.

"Trust me, you guys are going to love it"

≫ ──── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ──── ≪

The dishes had been served (and also emptied). They had eaten as if they had been at home, stealing each other's food, pouring wine informally, laughing without having to restrain themselves.

"I saw you guys laughing the whole time and thought 'There, if Namjoon was here he would surely give you a glare to make you stop'."

The diner was almost closing, and the three of them did not seem to feel like getting up. The only noises at the moment were the laughter of Hoseok, comfortably seated with one arm along the back of Chaeri's chair, and the sound of dishes being washed from the restaurant's far (but not that far) away kitchen.

"I got chills thinking back to Namjoon Hyung's angry look. He never spared us that," Jimin finished his glass of wine, his eyes shining remembering.

The girl tilted her head slightly, with a mischievous smile. Then, with an amused air, she said in a somewhat teasing tone of voice "Speak for yourself, I have always behaved well on stage and at events." her eyebrows rose in a playful way as her lips curved into a smile that seemed to mean 'come on, I don't believe it either'

The two guys glanced at each other before bursting out laughing

"You were always the one who behaved the worst!"

"You always led me down the wrong path, Chaeri-ya."

"Jin-hyung was the only one who could make you behave somehow."

A punch in the stomach. This is what Chaeri felt every time Jin's name was mentioned since he had had to move away from them to do mandatory military service for Korea.

The mood between them changed all of a sudden. The girl smiled wistfully, she missed her Jin so much. "Yeah, the only one."

≫ ──── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ──── ≪

As they walked out of the restaurant, still wearing their fancy Dior outfits, a group of fans was waiting for them outside the restaurant.

The bodyguards had been quick to place bars and keep everyone sorted and respectful.

They had waited all that time outside in the cold to see and talk to them. Chaeri, nor Jimin and Hobi, would have looked ahead without stopping to spend some time with armys.

Chaeri greeted everyone, and limped over to the group of fans behind the barriers closest to her "Hi guys, ain't you cold?" She turned to the staff members "Can someone please bring a hot drink to all of them?" She faced the fans again "How many of you are here, sweethearts?"

Armys were touched and happy to have their beloved idol within a few feet of them, they flooded her with questions, trying to keep each other respectful, just as Chaeri had specifically asked.

"What did you guys have for dinner?"

"We had coq au vin and beef bourguignon. It tasted amazing!"

Fans started asking for recommendations on where to eat in Paris. The girl was more than happy to oblige, and she spent the next few minutes chatting with the fans, telling them about her favorite restaurants in the city.

≫ ──── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ──── ≪

Hobi helped her into the car that would take her back to the hotel. He took special care not to let her put too much strain on her sore foot, held her hand, and made sure she was comfortable before stepping back. The two boys standing on the sidewalk watched her as she sat in the comfortable seats of their company's extremely expensive car

"I'm not ready to say goodbye." "Neither are we, Chaeri-ya" "We promise we will visit you soon, very soon"

"Today felt like -- like we never announced our hiatus"

Hoseok bent just enough to stick his head inside the vehicle, took her hand and gently kissed it "It will end sooner than you think. The best is yet to come."

"Do you really think so?"

Jimin also made room to make himself visible to the girl.

"Yes, the best is yet to come."

≫ ──── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ──── ≪

They watched as the car drove off, the girl waved to them through the rolled-down window, and then disappeared down the streets of Paris, the city she loved and hated.

Without looking away from the spot where until a second earlier the car was, Jimin cleared his throat before saying, "You didn't tell her, hyung."

"It wasn't the time nor the place."

"You can't keep it from her much longer"

"I will, -soon. I'll tell her that I'm next to leave for military service."

"We all will, gradually"

"I hope she will take good care of herself when we are gone"