#I realized that forcing people to go to another site just to read this is kind of rude so here we are

[simpjaes]

DAY-SHIFT. (p. sh)

― part one here! After finding out that your boss has seen, heard, and instructed you through some pleasurable nights while parading around as a faceless cam-boy, you decide that your best course of action is to: call out sick. use vacation days. avoid Park Sunghoon at all costs. Unfortunately, ten days doesn’t appear to be nearly enough time to erase what’s happened, and Sunghoon refuses to be avoided. or the one where sunghoon pretends that he isn’t an anxious mess over accidentally exposing himself and you just so happen to have a lot of fucking empathy. 

minors dni 

PAIRING ― boss / cam boy!sunghoon x afab reader  

WORDCOUNT― 14.5k 

CONTENT― forbidden office romance kind of, smidge of angst if ur sensitive, mentions of predatory behavior from sunghoon, he is more desperate than he is dominant, just the way we like it.

NOTE ― bro im so sorry this took way too long to write, it also is way longer than it's supposed to be. but yknow. i had to do him right lmfao. NOT PROOF READ.

nsfw tags under cut

nsfw tags― perverted sunghoon, heavy petting, making out, foreplay on a chair lol, desk sex, very intimate shit ok? ok., pussy eating, jerking off, finger fucking, fingers-in-mouth antics, gagging, implications of something more than just an office fling, unprotected sex, he fills you UP!!! YIPEE!!! 

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Avoidance.

That is the only way you know out of any awkward or unsavory situation. Avoid, avoid, avoid. Find a new job, change your name, dye your hair– question all of your life choices up to this point.

It’s the fact that never in your life have you had an interest in live sex cams. It was always just a porn video or a nice erotic novel for you. Sometimes curiosity gets the best of you though, like it does all people, and it’s not like you thought anyone would ever know who you are or catch you in the act of feeding into your curiosities. 

The one time you ever navigated to the live camera feed on your favorite porn site did shift your sexual appetite a little bit. A whole new world of seeing exactly what you want without needing to search for far too long for that perfect video…for a cost, of course.

You made good money already, and it’s not like you weren’t going for that promotion at the time either. You thought, why not? Why not pay a pretty, faceless man for some anonymous jerking off and move on with your life? 

The one time you found something to satiate the late night body-cravings, the point of pleasure ended up being…your boss?

Small world? Miniscule, fucking tiny little world. 

For days you wondered if Sunghoon’s text to you was just a coincidence. After all, the faceless man on screen didn’t say a word to you after you uttered the name of your boss. Even if he directly said your name. Even if Park Sunghoon uttered your false name at work. 

Consistent back and forth in your head. From, “No, how could that even be possible? No way is it him.” to “but Mr.Park started being weird after the first call, he used both names, he played off of the boss/employee dynamic.”

You’re going crazy as you send another email to your department, apologizing for taking so many days off but not truly apologetic. It’s been ten days now and Sunghoon has yet to text you again. 

That little “Can we talk?” can be heard in your head in his voice. Only now recognizing how clear and unique it truly is when he does speak. You try not to realize how similar the cam-boy sounded to him. Only connecting the dots when they force you to do it, really. You still try to convince yourself that the text was about firing you, given his actions at work that very same day. 

Maybe he was avoiding you because he felt awful about needing to fire you? 

Maybe he sent that text message to start the process of pushing you out? 

After all, it’s still very difficult to imagine Park Sunghoon having a cock that nice, or cum in that amount. Given, it’s not like you ever thought about him jerking off or anything, it’s just–

You don’t fucking know. Your brain is a mess of shaking anxiety and echoes of sexual frustrations and moans. 

You were refunded your money. He texted after the session. He said your name. It’s him, isn’t it?

You refuse to fucking find out.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

From:...[ HRatyourjob@workemail.org ]

CC:...[ parksunghoon@workemail.org ]

BCC:...

Subject: Time off Request: Rejected. Insufficient PTO.

[insert your name here],

The time you have requested from the 27th to the 3rd has been rejected due to insufficient hours. As of last Thursday, you are no longer meeting the minimum hour requirement as a full-time employee. Your PTO is at 0 hours and 00 minutes and you now have three unexcused absences. Please return tomorrow with a signed order or note that exempts you from work. If you move forward without returning to the building, this will be grounds for termination. Please review the company handbook and job abandonment guidelines. 

Additionally, COO Lee, myself, and Division manager Park will be scheduling a meeting with you in the upcoming days, failure to appear will result in immediate termination.

Thank you,

HR

Well, fuck. You knew the time to avoid this would dry up, and this ten day hideaway to fake your death didn’t quite pan out.

Devastating, truly, that you have to walk through those doors with the same legs your boss may or may not have seen spread open for him through a grainy webcam image. Horrifying, that you have to look him in the eye and explain that you really were sick for the past ten days, that you definitely were not hiding the shame of your sexual desires.

The worst part about all of this? Not just the embarrassment but the fact that…you liked it. On that night, had he admitted it was him, you may not have ended the call yourself. It felt like it added some danger to your arousal at the time. Which, naturally, makes you more embarrassed now. Mostly because, at worst if that was Mr.Park, it was predatory. At best though? You very well may have consented.

But the what ifs don’t matter now. The only thing that matters is forcing yourself through the awkwardness of being at work after avoiding it for so long already.

Fortunately for you though, work is…weirdly normal. In fact, no one acts like you’ve missed ten days at all. You are greeted by the usual co-workers, you sit down at your desk and can log in as usual, and there are no warning emails or invitations for what would be considered a meeting of termination either. 

The day goes by just fine, suspiciously so. Sunghoon, though you’re avoiding him at the moment, doesn’t appear to be too out of character either. At one point, you were forced to drop corrected paper work off in his office, and he gave you the same usual and small “Thank you” before you stepped out with your legs threatening to buckle. 

Then again, his “casual” appreciation could just be your mind playing positive little tricks on you. Maybe it wasn’t casual at all. Maybe that little uncharacteristic breath afterwards isn’t just in your head. You didn’t make eye contact with him during that brief moment, and you did rush out quite quickly so you wouldn’t really know. However, in the deepest part of your brain his voice really does match the one who said all those dirty things to you. 

Maybe you’re still overreacting.

Or maybe you dreamed all of this up. 

You choose to remain unaware of the awkwardness around you solely because everything else is normal. Deep, deep down, you know. But you’re not giving that truth a chance to thrive or run your brain anymore.

And just as the day comes to an end, you’re actually feeling better. Anxiety is draining out of you, fear and embarrassment sit dormant in some hidden part of your brain over the small possibility of virtually fucking your boss. It seems you’ve let this work day clear up all of that fear in your head.

You were wrong, right? It wasn’t him, right? He’d have tried to defend himself by now. What boss wouldn’t be absolutely terrified that you’d report him, anyway? After all of that?

You actually feel a little dumb at the possibility of Mr. Park ever wanting you sexually, or ever even wanting to speak to you in that way. Asking to see your pussy? Telling you how to touch it? No, that’s definitely not him. Couldn’t be him. 

And your eyes do stray after a little while. Just to steal glimpses into his office, feeling relieved and weightless now that it appears your fears are over and finally understood. Doesn’t change the fact that now when you look at him, you might be wildly fucking attracted to him. Because fuck, imagine if that was him. You’re kind of forced to put his image to the faceless cam-boy now, not that you want to do that or anything. It just…you can’t really blame yourself for it.

You lend yourself a little laugh. As happy as you are that you’re able to convince yourself that it’s not Sunghoon’s cock you’ve yearned for, you really wouldn’t mind sleeping with someone as handsome as him. 

Crazy how the lack of anxiety lets you think those types of things though, isn’t it? When your brain is no longer fogged by fear or embarrassment, it’s like the clarity can sometimes be scarier simply because you don’t know how true certain statements are. Even through all of that fear, maybe a part of you wished it was him. 

Even with the weight on your shoulders lifted, in hindsight, maybe you’re even a little disappointed that it wasn’t. 

And, just as you’re preparing to clock out and head home with a big secret crush and a little pep in your step, you hear the familiar notification of an email. No problem, probably just a daily report or something. 

From:...[ parksunghoon@workemail.org ]

CC:...

BCC:...

Subject: Mandatory Advising

[insert your name here],

Please come to my office before you leave for the day to discuss your conduct as of late. 

Thank you,

Park Sunghoon

Division Manager

000-000-0000 ext. 000

Well, double fuck. To think everything was fine despite you being well aware of that shit HR said to you previously? 

You barely recognize how the email is sent directly to you from Mr. Park, not including HR or COO Lee. In fact, the anxiety wells up inside of you so quickly that you nearly have to dry heave a few times before taking a deep breath. 

In your head, it’s not even about the web-cam session with a faceless man anymore. Your anxiety about that died the moment you successfully lied to yourself enough, now you’re genuinely just afraid you’ll lose your job or that beloved promotion you worked so hard to be qualified for. You just had to let your anxiety run your life for the past ten days, didn’t you? After all, skipping work to such an extent? Everyone had to have known that it was a lie eventually.  

So, you stand to your feet, brush off your thighs, and attempt to keep your heart from pounding as you make your way to Mr. Park’s office expecting to see HR, COO Lee, and a severance package on the desk waiting for your signature. 

Instead, you walk in to just find your boss. He’s looking at you as he normally would, eyes focused on his screen before glancing at you for a moment and nodding his head to one of the chairs in front of his desk. 

“Mr. Park–” You start, nearly wincing at the way you say it because, well, you haven’t said it since the night you had your pussy out on display. It’s only natural to physically react, right?

“One moment.” He says in a small voice, clicking a few times with the mouse as you watch the monitor light shine across his cheeks with each window he minimizes. 

It’s silent for a few moments as you awkwardly look around an office you’ve been in countless times. His lights are always dimmed, the temperature is always comfortable. You’re gonna miss this office, though it’s not your own. It was a nice, brief escape before all of this if you’re being honest. 

“How was work for you today?” He turns his attention to you, finally adjusting and rolling his chair to center himself in front of you behind his desk 

You pause at the question, unintentionally tilting your head at it like a puppy. “Good? Normal, I guess?” 

You watch as he nods with a tight-lipped expression, eyes falling to his desk as he takes in a deep and disappointed sounding breath. 

“Well, that’s one of us.” He huffs out, causing you to feel a bit confused with his tone. Is he being…passive aggressive? And when he snaps his eyes from his desk straight to your own confused gaze, you can almost sense a bit of something else in them compared to usual. 

Not anger. Not disappointment. 

He looks worried.

“Eleven days–” Sunghoon drones on with an exhausted tone, cutting himself off with another breath that shows you were right to assume his current displayed emotion. “You have ignored my text messages for eleven days.” 

You’re shocked by that because as far as you’re concerned, he has not texted you.

“What are you–” You furrow your brows at him, frantically pulling out your phone. “You haven’t texted me. See? The last one I got was–” You take a second as you pull up his texts and remember the exact time he texted you. So late into the night, right after…that. Naturally, you silence yourself, afraid to say it out loud.

“On the contrary,” Sunghoon denies your proof. “I texted from my personal phone.”

You hesitate again, looking down and noting the notifications under the tab of  “message requests.” To be fucking fair though, you didn’t even know that existed so you never really paid attention to it. Especially as you practically avoided your phone out of fear that he’d be texting you again. 

You were thankful he didn’t. That comforted you. Now though? Your comfort is replaced yet again with anxiety because, well, he texted you consistently after that night.

“Oh–” You say quietly, seeing a glimpse of “Please, let me call y–” in one of the messages.

“I didn’t see those.” Quickly, you turn your screen off and shove your phone back into your pocket, nervously clasping your hands in front of you and looking to the floor. 

“I will reiterate then.” 

You can hear the leather on his chair squeak against his expensive suit when he leans forward, both hands splayed out on his desk in a wide and intimidating stance in front of you. 

“Wait–” You look around the office now. “If you’re going to fire me– shouldn’t the others be here too?”

Sunghoon pulls back at that, narrowing his eyes before lending a very small and even more nervous chuckle.

“I’m not firing you. I told them I’d take care of your sudden and, quite frankly, unhelpful vacation.” 

You look to the floor again, feeling scolded for your actions but having a genuine reason. If Sunghoon truly is aware of that reason for your absence, he understands too, right?

“I have been beyond inappropriate with you.” He blurts now, that same leather squeaking as he leans back again and looks away from you the moment you snap your head up. “I have reason to believe you’ve not yet reported me, and I’d like to ask for the opportunity to explain myself before you do.” 

You feel a chill wash over your whole body, cold sweat peaking right at your temples as you stare forward. He’s being so professional about this, and that lie you’ve convinced yourself of is showing it’s face as just that, a fucking lie.

So this is it? 

So there it is? A semi-admittance that it was him? That little feeling in the back of your head that wishes it was diminishes within an instant. In fact, you narrow your eyes at him, your nose crinkles, and you feel frustration bubble up in your gut.

“So you admit that it was you?” You ask, needing a full confirmation. 

“Yes.” Sunghoon sighs, leaning back somehow further, creating as much distance from you as possible before unintentionally rolling his eyes. Mostly due to the fact that he was stupid enough to let this happen, mostly to shame himself. “What I did was inappropriate and unacceptable. I didn’t intend for this to ever happen.”

Now you feel a bit…pissed off.

Like? Oh, he didn’t intend for this to happen? What? You mean he didn’t intend to let you fucking find out! Well, as good as he is at playing the part of a slutty man on the internet, he’s not so good at acting in real life, now is he? Saying your false fucking name at work, saying your real name with his cock out?

What in the fuck are you supposed to do about this? Why is he giving you the ability to report him? He’s the one with the power here. He could fire you now and bury the information if he so pleased. After all, He’s besties with COO Lee, right? That bitch in HR has an obsession with him too. Hell, everyone here loves the guy. 

You’re just a bottom of the barrel employee trying to work your way up. If you got him fired, surely he’d make damn sure you never work for a decent company like this one again. Additionally, you don’t even want to report him.

Yeah, it was fucking weird that he just knew it was you and kept going. Super strange that he had to have known after the first call, only to ask to see you in the second one. Why does that turn you on in the midst of this anxiety induced spiral? Why the fuck is the idea of Park Sunghoon apologizing for masturbating to and for you so alluring?! 

Sure, maybe it’s kind of nice knowing that someone of his status would ever find an interest in you, but it doesn’t quite wash the frustration away. You have every right to question, and every right to be pissed off about it. 

Still, in this quiet room, Sunghoon is stoic and all you can think about when you look at him is the way he said “if I were your boss i’d–” and the way he fucked his palm while saying it, implying he wanted it to be you while simultaneously knowing it was you watching. 

Since fucking when did Mr. Park ever show a sexual interest in you? And if he did, why the fuck couldn’t he have just been normal about it?

“That was really fucked up, you know that?” You argue immediately, voice shaking at the speed of which your emotions shift. Your resolve isn’t quite as clear as it probably should be. Perhaps you should report him, or maybe you already should have. But, it’s not like you accepted the truth until he demanded it of you.

You would have let it slide. Both of you could have pretended it never happened. You could’ve gone home and continued working, never paying a cam-boy again had Sunghoon not called you into this stupid, comfortable ass office. 

“In my defense, I was just doing my job. Though it’s my own fault for not telling you, my job here was at risk if you had found out.”

“You made me talk about you.” You roll your eyes at him now, gaining the power and control over the conversation. “And you thought I wouldn’t find out?! What? Did that get you off or something?”

“I–” Sunghoon stops himself from answering that question truthfully. He quickly tries to explain away the stutter instead. Never has he been scolded by an employee, but you’re well within your rights to do so. “I wasn’t in my right mind. I never get called by name during these sessions and I apologize for having you say it.”

“And you want me to report you?” You raise a brow at him. “Want me to just storm right into HR and tell her how you’re a fucking pervert? Want me to tell her how you told me to repeat your name? To thank you for it? Is that really what you want?” 

Are you enjoying yourself a little too much? Maybe.

Sunghoon doesn’t respond though, instead, he runs his hand through his hair and sighs from the stress welling up inside of him. He can only act calm and collected for so long, and it’s been eleven days already. He hates how hearing you say those words goes straight to his cock at a time like this, he hates even more how all of this could have been avoided if he had simply declined your second call. 

But you’re not wrong. He is a pervert, and he did tell you to thank him for the pleasure you were getting from his voice and half image alone. At the time, he was so turned on he really just couldn’t help himself. You fed his sexual appetite unknowingly and now this is the consequence of his action. Being a known pervert.

Is it what he wants though? To be reported? Humiliated?

Fuck.

Arguably, just having you humiliate him like this is enough. Drives him crazy, really. Whether it be from arousal or guilt, or both. 

And for the first time since you started working here, you see him for what he truly is. A strong man to an extent, but he’s crumbling under his own mistake and it makes you wonder just how far he would’ve taken it had you not found out. 

“And what if I didn’t realize who I was fucking myself for?” You glare. “Would you have asked for more? Avoided me here even more? Would you have declined my application for the assistant position because you can’t come to terms with the fact that you’re a fucking pervert?!”

Sunghoon raises his hands in defense. 

“Please–” His voice sounds panicked. “Please, keep your voice down.”

“Answer the question, then. Just fucking own it at this point.” You throw your arms up now, letting them fall back down in a slap to your thighs. “Would you have made my work-life miserable just so you could watch me get off to you? Knowing the whole time? Would you have kept on with that boss slash employee shit just so it felt more real for you?” 

Staring forward at him, you watch him accept that everything you’re saying is likely exactly what would have happened. Maybe he really will try to own it. Which would be… a good thing if you decide to let your own resolve falter.

So fucking secretive, huh? An actual, real life degenerate? And it’s Sunghoon of all people? 

“Maybe…” Sunghoon trails off, making himself seem much smaller than he usually is on a day-to-day basis. “I mean, No–I,”

Oh, he’s actually stuttering.

“And you want me to tell on you? You want me to fuck your life up?” You raise a brow. “As if I didn’t pay you to do it?”

In all honesty, aside from the anxiety and awkwardness, and despite never once thinking of Sunghoon too sexually, things have changed. Drastically. Especially after being confronted with this situation and he’s not intimidating you or using his power to control you. No, he’s giving you the power and quite frankly, you don’t know what to do with it. 

Are you basking in it? Absolutely. Is it nice to see him cower in front of you? In that big plush chair that costs more than your monthly income? Hell yeah.

But goddamn, had he approached you before all of this and asked for a date, or showed interest, you would have gladly partaken in a secret romance with him. He’s intelligent, attractive, clean, and has money. It’s not like you ever expected the guy to go home and fuck himself on camera. 

You never thought he was the type to be so lonely either. Or so desperate, judging by how he acted during those two sessions. Arguably, you always wondered why there was never a ring on those pristine fingers. 

And while you were definitely the victim in this situation, you feel more embarrassed than you do violated. Many nights you thought of how he spoke, how he said how badly he wanted you. It’s embarrassing because you’re starting to love the idea of who those words really came from. The Park Sunghoon, so untouchable in the business world. So untouchable by women and men solely because he appears to be too expensive, too pristine.

But you…

You’ve seen him dirty. 

Part of you wishes you didn’t pay to be humiliated like this. The rest of you wishes you didn’t fucking like it as much as you do.

“It’s only fair.” Sunghoon explains with a short breath. “I feel awful for what I’ve done, and I should have told you the moment I recognized her as, well–” He pauses with a pained face, as if he hates hearing himself say it. “You.”

“Then, why didn’t you?” You raise your brow again, nearly forgetting you’re at work, solely focused on the conversation at hand and feeling relieved at the way it’s going.

Sunghoon shifts in discomfort, looking away from you.

“Do you want honesty?” He asks in a quiet voice, leaning forward on his desk but refusing eye contact. He keeps his gaze lowered the entire time, his voice small and shaky. 

There’s still people in the office, though his door is closed and it’s unlikely he can be heard.

You nod to him with an even smaller “Go on then.”

“I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t you.” He says, shifting his hands and picking at his cuticles. 

Man, he really knows how to act sorry, doesn’t he?

“I avoided you after that first call, solely because I think I wanted her to be you. Which is…incredibly inappropriate.” 

He looks up at you now, searching for a reaction and only seeing you nod at him. His eyes shift right back down as he continues. 

“My avoiding you led you to– um– more services.” He explains quieter, admitting in full the situation he’s allowed to take place, seeming more and more insecure with his words than he ever has before. “I can admit that I have fantasies and needs.” 

Silence. 

“After that first call, I couldn’t help but be entirely attracted to you. The idea of–”

You suddenly find yourself thinking back to all of those things he said to you again, parading as if he wasn’t your boss, telling you what he'd do if he were. He seems to have accidentally found a sexual interest in the dynamic…and he fucking dragged you into it with him. 

“Mr. Par– Sunghoon.” You cut him off, actually feeling a bit of pity now at his admittance. 

His words make you feel like maybe he’s not entirely just a pervert who was intending to make you get off to him from the start. If anything, he probably felt uncomfortable at first knowing who was on the other end of the call. It’s the fact that his real life job was at risk if you found out, and still he indulged despite that. He accepted that second call, he asked for more, he acted like he really does want you.

 To the extent that losing his job was in the front of his mind and he still did it. He ignored the danger of it and prioritized getting off…with you. You find yourself wondering if this would have happened to any other employee under him if they happened to stumble across his stream too. 

Part of you wants to pretend he wouldn’t, because the idea that all of this is happening solely because it was you? It hits a little too hard, a little too deep. 

“Okay, okay. Stop,” You say, keeping your eyes on him and willing him to look up at you. “You don’t have to keep explaining, I get it.”

“No.” He does meet your eye this time, stopping your brain of all thoughts at how differently you see him now versus all the times before. “I do.” 

He’s so honest. Probably too honest for his own good. Maybe that’s why he’s so good at his job, maybe that’s why everyone loves him. Maybe a bit of lying would help him in this situation if it were anyone else, but for you? 

You kind of enjoy the way he’s telling the truth. Admitting that he was desperate, apologizing for wanting you even if just for a brief moment.

“I asked you to turn on your camera for selfish reasons. I asked you to say my name, then I made the mistake of exposing myself because I–” He hesitates, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply through his nose. “I struggled to pretend it wasn’t me, and that she wasn’t you. I very well knew what I was doing, and at the time, I wished that you did too.”

More silence as you stare at him, stunned, slightly in awe. 

“But I knew you wouldn’t have reciprocated. What I’ve done is criminal, and I am encouraging you to report me for it if that’s what you deem necessary.” 

“And if I don’t?” You don’t leave any more room for silence now, feeling desired and validated. 

You can’t pretend that you’re mad, though you were previously. You simply can’t pretend that, now at least, you wouldn’t reciprocate. If anything, you’re more interested now than you think you ever would have been before. 

“We can forget any of this ever happened. I’ll stop streaming and accepting private calls, and we can hopefully move forward without any ill-feelings of one another.” He blinks at you, near pleading with his eyes. “I’ll push your application through– That is, if you still want the position.” 

Sunghoon does wince at the bribe, considering he’s never done such a thing let alone commit acts of sexual harassment, or perhaps even non consensual foreplay with someone. It really really wasn’t entirely intentional, and he’s disgusted with himself. If you report him, he’d take the hit to his reputation and career, but if you don’t…what then?

Ill-feelings, he says? If anything, you might feel more ill parading around like you wouldn’t want him to do all of those things he said previously, with free-will to say as he pleased without the fear of you knowing who the words were coming from. 

“Can you please stop with the professional talk?” You hum out with an exhausted eye roll.  “I don’t want the promotion if you’re just offering it so I don’t rat you out.” You narrow your eyes now and lean yourself forward. “You hope to forget this ever happened? Really?” 

Carefully, the two of you watch each other for a while longer. Sunghoon looking like he’s about to catch himself on fire, and you, looking annoyed and amused. Still, the thick air in the room starts to feel suffocating under the pressure of the “issue” at hand as you scold him further. 

“What you did was predatory. But– I don’t want to ruin your life over this.” 

You watch as Sunghoon listens, his posture opening up a bit more as you speak, showing that he’s being relieved of his stress through your words alone. 

“Are you trying to hold a promotion over my head over this?”

Before he gets the chance to curl in on himself again, you answer for him. 

“Maybe.” 

You continue too, not letting him speak for the time being. Or, rather, giving him a chance to breathe. 

“Should you change your username and continue doing what you want behind closed doors because it’s no one else’s business?” You really watch him this time. “Yes.” 

He blinks at you, raising a brow in slight confusion. 

“Did you take advantage of me?”

He nods before you whisper out another “yes” yourself. 

“Would I let you do it again…?”

Oh, for Sunghoon, it’s hard to breathe right now as he anticipates what you’ll say. Is it going to be a ‘no’ this time? Are you going to stand up and change your mind? Despite just stating you don’t want to ruin his life?

God, hasn’t he already let you?

“Yes.”

Pause. 

“I’m sorry?” Sunghoon responds in disbelief, shifting his eyes to his hands and then back to you. “Come again?”

“Sunghoon.” You make it a point to call him by his name now, ignoring the etiquette of a proper boss and employee dynamic. “I am humiliated by all of this but I can see that you are too. You’ve admitted your guilt and even go as far as encouraging that I report you.” You pause again, knowing that this isn’t where the conversation should be going for any, uh, normal person, you suppose. 

“If you had just told me. If you had said anything about wanting to, like, fuck me, I would have done it with or without the promotion on the line.”

Does that make you sound a little desperate? Yeah. But it’s not like he doesn’t know how badly you need to be fucked. After all, you know, the cam sessions and stuff. You were literally paying a stranger to get you off. 

Shouldn’t he, of all people, know that you were bad-off enough to get laid?

Sunghoon’s issue though, is that he never looks at his employees sexually. No matter how pretty, no matter how much they flaunt themselves at him. He never has, and probably never will again. If it hadn’t been for that single first session with you, all would be well. But now? He’s too attracted to you. 

He wants you so badly.

“If you tell me right now that you want me, in the same way you did on that call–” You stop yourself to really look at him. With the way he swallows, the way his lips slightly part, the way his hands show signs of eleven days worth of nervous habit cuticle picking. “If you do all of those things you said you’d do ‘if you were my boss’...”

“Wait, wait–” Sunghoon stands in a rush, causing you to jump slightly at the sudden sound echoing off of the walls in the office. “Do you understand the consequences of what you’re implying right now?”

“If I fuck my boss, we could both be fired?” You smile, feeling the confidence raise within you. Watching the way he reacts to your lewd words face to face rather than through a microphone. 

“That would be…correct.” He raises a brow. 

“Well, technically, you’ve already been fucking me.” You look away from him, feeling a bit shy even with the confidence, but never having spoken to a man so bluntly before like this? It’s a bit scary. “Would it really make anything worse if, you know, I do reciprocate?”

Goddamn. Sunghoon might be a bit smitten. This situation could have gone a thousand different ways, and you offer the one that includes your legs spread across this fucking desk and his face buried between them?

Oh. Never has he been so willingly turned on at work. 

“Is this what you want?” He asks in a breath, shifting his eyes to the door and walking towards it, immediately reaching for the lock but not quite turning it. 

“Is that what you want?” You counter, turning and staring at the lock. 

Sunghoon hides his nod, wanting you to be the one to answer first. After all, hasn’t he been self-indulgent enough?

“Do you want me to fuck you?” He finally breaks and says it, blatantly, not sugar coated, yet still sweet when the words hit your ears. “After all this, you still want it?” 

You nod, dipping your head a bit against your shoulder. 

Click. 

“I guess I should have known.” Sunghoon plays with his words now, hand dropping from the now locked door and eyes entirely on you. “Do you want me to fuck you, or would you prefer–”

“You.” You smile, feeling your skin prickle at the electricity that enters the room through breath and words alone. It’s the way he already shifted. Like all of that anxiety melted out of him within an instant. 

“No, no.” He stalks towards you now, the nervous Sunghoon is no longer in sight as he makes himself seem bigger, taller, far more intimidating. Just like he was on camera. “The me you saw on screen is not the same as what you’re seeing right now.” He tries to explain. 

“Oh?” You tilt your head, and he only finds that cute. 

Far too cute. 

“You’d do as I ask, right?” His voice shifts to a raspy whisper as he centers himself in front of you, both hands reaching the arms of your chair as he hovers above you. “I’m far more tame online.” 

Tame?! That’s what he calls tame?! 

You stare up at him, keeping your jaw from falling slack as you physically see him shift from being your boss into being a man with a need. Not just any need either. A need for you.

Part of you wonders if he ever truly felt bad in the first place about all of this, because the shift from just moments ago is so dramatic it’s almost scary. 

“So, tell me.” He leans down, inches from your face as his eyes start to fall to a half-lidded stare at you. “You’ll do as I say? You’d let me do it all for you, and not ask me to stop until I feel it best, yes?”

You swallow and slowly nod. Oh god, it really, really, is him. 

“And while at work, you’ll behave?” He continues, lips now ghosting over yours to the point you can almost feel them press down. He’s implying that if you don’t tell, that this won’t be the only time too? Shit. He’s entirely aware of why this shouldn’t be happening, but still making it happen.

 “No matter what I do to you, where or how I do it, you’ll behave?”

You can’t help it when you lift your chin, just a bit to rest your lips against his words, eyes falling closed and hands hesitant to reach out for his perfectly ironed shirt. 

You feel his smile against your lips, with that sharp-toothed grin he rarely offers. 

“Ah, so it’s true.” He murmurs against you, his hand reaching for yours and guiding it for you, straight to his belt. “Dirty, dirty girl.”

A small, pleased, sound leaves your throat when he does kiss you, adding his own pleased hum alongside yours as his hands still hold yours in place over his belt, not quite letting you do anything just yet.

”Gonna be quiet–” He whispers into your mouth, just against your tongue before licking out and against it. “Even when I tell you to moan my name?”

You really shouldn’t be surprised, but you still are. You like this Sunghoon better than the one who stutters and picks his cuticles. He’s owning it, and in a way, so are you. 

 After all, it wasn’t until today that you truly learned what Sunghoon is like when he’s aroused. Not that you ever should have known in the first place. The fact that you do know, the fact that he’s showing you? It just makes this all the more arousing, in your opinion.

All he needed was a green light and within seconds it seems, Sunghoon became the need you’ve been chasing for months now through porn sites and erotic novels. 

You nod to his words, trying to drop your hand just a bit to feel what you’ve already seen. Just to feel how warm he is, how—

“Is that so?” Sunghoon whispers in an amused tone, guiding your hand right back to his belt, only to drop his other hand straight between your legs. “You’re supposed to do as I say. If I tell you to moan my name, you do it.”

Oh, the sexual confusion of what to do and which Sunghoon to obey. All you can do is continue to nod for him, hanging your head with a breath at the way he cups his hand over the entirety of your core. You wore pants today in order to hide your shame, to try and feel invisible based on previous circumstances. You’re not so happy about that now, as you try to feel his touch through the thick fabric only to shamelessly thrust your hips up and against his palm.

He moves his lips to the top of your head now, hovering over you in a perfect stance of power, hand gently rubbing up and and down despite your hips asking for a harsher touch. If anything, it makes him feel better knowing how you react to this. 

In actuality, his relief is sending his arousal through the roof. Not only are you not going to rat him out but…you want more of it? More of him, in particular? Not the facade of him online? 

At this point, if he gets caught, you’re both going down in flames. So, why not enjoy the ride?

Truly, it’s laughable in the way he’s just as amused as he is turned on, relishing in the fact that he wants you and you’re letting him have you despite his past actions. You’re messy too, he’s seen it, and now he gets to feel it. 

“Mhm,” Sunghoon hums against the top of your head, now pressing his own hips forward against your hand. “Feel that?”

The electricity? How hard he is? How needy you are?

”Yeah…” You sigh absentmindedly, bumping his chin with your head when you try to look up at him. You only blink twice before he coos out with a sad little sound. 

He doesn’t say a word after as he removes his hand and instead, grabs both of your hands and places them on his shirt. 

“Go on.” He smiles, waiting to see you to start fumbling against his buttons. 

And fumble, you do. Touching him, for some reason, feels so dangerous. Knowing you’re the one removing his shirt, watching his skin be revealed as it begins to fall open by your own doing? It’s electrifying. Enough to lose your train of thought as you study how toned and smooth his skin is. Just like how you had seen on camera, so clear in front of you now. You’re aching for him by this point, being able to feel his body heat, touch him, feel his eyes on you. 

If you had really known back then who it was you were talking to, you very well may have pretended to not know as well, judging by the way your entire body catches fire for him. 

And as his shirt falls completely open, he’s satisfied with the way you do it. Complacent and docile beneath him, nervous fingers shaking much like he did for the past eleven days. With those pretty eyes looking at him, like there’s nothing in your head at all. 

He chuckles at you, grabbing your hands again and placing them right on his chest, helping your hesitant touch to massage and caress each bump and toned muscle. He intentionally flexes the further down your hands go, all the way back to his belt. 

There, he looks down at where you touch, then back at you with a quirked brow. You stare  up at him, blinking, face feeling hot, and it’s like you move your hands on instinct. The sound of his buckle being unclasped echoes in the room, and his eyes only darken with the sound.

The sound of it slipping from the loops when he takes it upon himself to remove it completely for you, the sound of his breathing, the sound of that zipper, the button, the shuffling of his pants being skewed down just enough to fit your hand inside.

He moans at the image alone, loving the way your smaller hand looks slipping down his pants, the way your breathing is somehow even as if you’re trying to keep yourself calm. So calm, so pretty, but he knows how needy you are. He shouldn’t, but he does, and he uses it to his advantage. 

You’re the one who moans this time upon feeling that little twitch of his cock urging you to grab. And he helps you too, with the way he guides your hand under the front of his pants further, forcing your fingers to grab and grope the thick of his cock, uncomfortable and pressing between his briefs and undone zipper. 

“Still, you’re just looking.” Sunghoon comments, pressing his hips forward slowly and gently. “I’m right here.” He continues to explain the situation to you, as if you’re not experiencing it. “You need me to show you how to touch me too?”

You hesitate with a groan caught in your throat. You’re still processing the size difference that you feel now versus what you saw. Bigger. Thicker. Heavier than you would have expected against your palm. Honestly, you were so focused on the fact that Sunghoon’s cock is currently fucking forward against you that you almost forgot how to jerk a man off by yourself. 

His hand had been doing all the work for you, and you’re quick to take over. 

Sunghoon lends a very small gasp at the way you try to grasp, and instantly both of his arms shoot to the chair behind your head. He grips it, dropping his chin to the top of your head before thrusting a bit harsher into the grip you try to hold on him. 

“Harder.” He exhales, his cock twitching in your weak hold. “Grab me harder.”

You do, squeezing the bulge before intentionally adjusting it for him, allowing the head of his bulbous cock to peek from the top of his briefs. 

His relieved sigh is enough, you can’t help it. With his chin sat atop your head like this, you have no choice but to watch the way he moves his hips. Just like he did on camera. His abs flex with each movement, his arms grip behind you on the chair tighter, and you couldn’t pull your eyes away from his desperate body even if you wanted to. 

You thrust up too, as if your body craves what you’re already touching. And you do crave it, so much so that your clit aches against the denim you’re rubbing up against. Unfortunate that you wore these fucking jeans, honestly.

“Mr. Park–” You let out a small and frustrated cry, using your other hand to try and fail at unbuttoning your own pants. 

He hides his smile at the way you’ve reverted back to his professional title, but pays no mind to it because that’s what he wanted to hear in your voice that night. A desperate sound of his name, a plea, a cry. He can’t help but cling to it and bury that pretty voice into the darkest parts of his brain. A memory he’ll revisit time and time again after this. That sound, those pretty lips, this weak grasp you have. For the time being, it’s his. You belong to him right now. 

“Hm?” He hums out, fucking his hips forward while tilting his head back to look at you. “What is it, baby?”

Oh. You lost your train of thought. 

Thankfully, he seems to do the thinking for you as he shifts his eyes down and watches you try to both please him and remove your own pants. A cute sight to him, really. Someone who was just scolding him for wanting this, fumbling for more? 

So cute. 

He chuckles, pulling his hips back from your hand and grabbing it, unbothered by the loss of your touch. Instantly he intertwines his fingers with yours, and grasps your other hand from your pants to do the same. Both your arms raise by his guidance to the back of the chair before he releases them. 

You watch with a slack jaw and half-lidded eyes as he lowers himself, right onto his knees before he unbuttons your pants for you and very politely pulls them from your legs. 

“This what you want?” He smiles, lying his cheek right against your exposed thigh and taking a deep inhale. It’s taking everything in him not to fawn over the woman who had him in his thoughts for the past however long, truly. 

Then again, he’s weak. He doesn’t even look up at you through his words and, instead, nuzzles his nose right up and against the seat of your panties before inhaling with a pleasant hum. “To have me finally touching this pretty pussy for you?” 

God damn, if you didn’t already know it was him on that camera, you do now. He speaks the same type of words, with the same confidence, the same sultry tone…

You can barely comprehend the way he slowly takes his own pants off because you’re too focused on the way he runs his lips across your skin with dirty thoughts spilling from them. Fingers tucked under either side of your panties in preparation before he eventually pulls them off of you. 

“Did you wear those pants to hide yourself from me?” He comments now with an amused tone. “Knowing you wanted me to take them off of you anyway?”

You shake your head at him, holding your breath. You did wear them to hide, but you never would have expected this situation to go in a direction involving his mouth anywhere near where you need it. Sure, you assumed he would have rejected you, you assumed that if it was him– he’d have been so disgusted with himself that he’d only gag at your presence. 

But no. You were bold in your words, and he seems to feed into that. 

“No?” He furrows his brows and lifts his head. Now lowering your panties much like he did for your pants. He’s quick with his next action, seemingly hiding his own desperation through playful comments at you. “Why not?” He adds, instantly pressing his thumb against your clit and fucking shining his eyes up at you with a semi-pouted mouth. 

You roll your eyes back at the sudden pressure, relaxing your shoulders and slouching down in the chair. Your legs spread further on instinct, granting him a full view of your sticky cunt parting open for him.

His eyes glance down, peering into the heat you offered once before ever knowing it was him looking. Clicking his tongue, he can’t help but bite his lower lip to hold himself back. He hopes you don’t notice the way his hand finds its way to his own cock, he really, really hopes you don’t see him act so pathetic over this. 

But you do. The moment your eyes roll back into place and get a look at him. One of his shoulders is moving, but the action is hidden by not only the chair, but his fucking face. He’s got his lips parted and he’s licking his lower lip. Slicking it up with his own saliva before–

“So quiet,” He hums with glistening lips, lending himself a light hold with his cock and pretending it’s you doing it for him. “You have nothing to say for yourself?” He adds now, inhaling once more the scent of your slick dripping for him as he leans in just a bit more.

“Oh–!” You yelp slightly at the feeling of his teeth digging into the flesh just to the side of your core. He bites down harder and harder, licking the flesh between his teeth before sucking hard against it. The sweat and scent of your full-day at work does nothing to calm his raging cock. He loves it and it only grows his appetite for you. Licking, sucking, nibbling at the skin until he’s sure he’ll leave a nice, painful swell to rub against your panties later. Only then does he release your skin from his still-tasting mouth. 

The relief when he releases your thigh is short lived because he offers not even a full two seconds before you feel his mouth circle your clit. Like he can’t help himself, like he can’t tease you right now even if he wanted to. 

 A flick of his tongue sends a shiver down your spine straight to your toes and you can’t stop your legs from immediately wrapping around his head. You hear his muffled “mmf” when you do that, but he keeps you from apologizing for it because his free hand goes straight under your ass and scoots you even closer to his tongue. 

And if you didn’t already think Sunghoon knew how to use that mouth for more than just being a professional business man, you do now. With the way that same tongue that used to taste the morning coffee you’d bring him now tastes you. Deeply. 

He licks, flicks, and sucks every fold. Slurping up any dripping heat that slips out of you before pressing his tongue in and nuzzling his nose against your clit. He’s not quiet about it either. He moans with each lick, hums every time your legs squeeze around his neck, slurps and loudly sucks. 

It’s pornographic, it’s sexy, it’s–

Suddenly, you feel a sharp jolt shoot through you, having not even noticed his hand moving from your ass to your front, moving straight up under your shirt. His fingers immediately find your nipple and pinches hard. So hard that your previous moan only becomes prolonged. Grows louder, breathier. 

He pinches and massages your nipple with the intent to keep you loud for him. Office setting or not, he could give less of a shit about that right now. He ignores the strain on his wrist from your bra, he uses his other hand to grip himself harder, and you can’t help but squeeze him tighter between your thighs until you’re, quite literally, shaking.

Your hips are sliding against his face with each jolt of pleasure, practically riding him, and his cock is now entirely neglected because you can’t help but want more. You need more. And he gives it, by now releasing himself and keeping both hands on you. One holding the outside of your thigh, almost pushing you to squeeze tighter, the other incessantly abusing your nipple. 

He chokes out a moan through his messy movements, never quite knowing where to put his hands solely because he wants to touch all of you. His cock is just fine being neglected, he thinks, as he realizes just how much pleasure he gets from feeling you wrap yourself around him like this. 

It feels better than jerking himself off. 

“Mr. P–” You sigh out, still not quite used to actually calling him his name, but the sound of it reminds you time and time again how wrong this situation is supposed to be. 

You’re sitting on this soft chair, pussy being spread apart by a tongue none other than the man who signs your paychecks. And just this morning you were terrified of him ever even getting a glimpse of you without pants on? God, how stupid could you be? You should’ve been chasing this man’s touch since the day you looked at him for the first time. 

“Fuck–” You moan out for him, brain spitting thoughts at you as each second passes. The danger of this, the fact that he genuinely got off to you before you knew it was him. The secrecy of his perverted thoughts and actions…it’s all so… “So, you’re so – hot.”

You feel him laugh, kissing the pulsing hole of your pussy when he pulls his tongue back to swallow. And for just a few moments, he turns his head, gripping your thigh with his teeth once again before speaking back to you, muffled by the hot skin. 

“Yeah?” He laughs, now pulling his hand from your bra and lifting to your chin, pointing your gaze down at him, forcing you to see the way your thighs nearly suffocate him against your pussy. “Then keep your eyes on me.”

And you do, especially when he uses both of his hands now, nudging them between your legs and forcing them from his shoulders. He rests your legs on the arms of the chair instead and flicks his eyes up at you. 

“You watching?” He makes this a point, blowing a small breath of air straight at your clit before receiving a dazed and slow nod from you. “Keep your legs open too.”

That’s the last thing he says before his mouth is full again, sucking your folds between his teeth before tucking his tongue right back into your hole. He tastes for just a few moments before you feel those same lips on your clit. He lets it throb in his open mouth as he listens carefully to your little sounds, especially now that he’s sliding his fingers into you. 

You gasp, holding your breath at the feeling. His fingers slide in, reaching deep before he scissors them open. And all you feel from it is pleasure. You can’t help that your eyes roll back again, but you do try to keep your gaze fixed on his. With his eyes so rounded, blinking up at you with his strong jaw moving with each swallow of his own muffled moans. 

He sucks your clit, fucks your cunt open, and relishes in the way he will soon get to splay you across his desk and really let you have it. 

And he does this for a few minutes, though in your head it goes by so fast that you nearly get whiplash from the way he pulls back with a wet sound and grins at you.

“Aw, baby–” He coos at the face you make, seemingly disappointed to lose all stimulation at once, but he’s quick to lift to his feet and lean back over you. 

Oh, his cock. It’s right there. 

Oh.

His face– 

“You’re so fucking wet right now.” He murmurs against the corner of your mouth with a raspy whisper, easily and without warning slipping two of his fingers right back into the heat that he just denied himself of licking more. “You hear that?” He continues with a sharp toothed bite to your lip. “How wet you are?”

You groan at the way he slams his fingers in, out, in, out, in…He keeps them there, pressed so far into you that you can physically feel the way your pussy tries to push him out again.

“Could slip it in right now–” He moans out at how tight you clench just his fingers. “Fuck, could be so deep in you.”

Your face feels hot as a bashful feeling overtakes you. His voice hits so much harder when you feel his breath along with it. His fingers, his cock right up against you. You want him to slip it in. To stuff his cock in you so fast, no room to adjust, not a second to even catch your breath. 

God, you need it right now. It’s been too long since you’ve felt a real person touch you, you can’t help that you feel so desperate. The clench isn’t on purpose, your body tells him all he needs to know, all while he tells you all you could only wish to hear fall from someone’s lips.

And not just anyone. His lips. 

You shoot your arms around his neck and it's not really intentional but– an actual kiss. You need it. 

He seems pleased by it though, with the way his tongue immediately asks for more. One hand moves to brace your cheek, the other still fucking into you so good that you can’t keep a single moan down. He takes full control of the initiated kiss solely because you kissed him first. Almost hungrily, he licks into your mouth with his own muffled groan, encouraging you to keep being pretty like this. Just so you can see what he’ll do to you. 

And, damn. He guides your body like a puppet, stiffening his shoulders when he licks into your mouth and threatening to pull away by raising  himself up just a bit. He knew you’d chase the kiss, and you do. You lift with him, your ass lifting from the chair just to keep his tongue against yours, and he takes the elevated position and angles his hand just a bit. There, his fingers fuck into you harder, faster, so much fucking deeper until– you feel his fingers stop at a painfully deep spot inside of you. 

He pulls back from the kiss, looking down between your bodies, and your eyes follow his gaze. Right there, he’s placed his knee up against his own wrist, forcing his fingers to remain deep and unmoving in you. 

You take in a sharp inhale, seeing the way he lets your body fall back to the seat of the chair, only forcing him to skew his fingers and– “Oh, god!”

You moan out so suddenly that it even shocks him for a moment, but he takes your weakness and uses it to his advantage. Quickly, he licks into your moaning mouth, tickling his fingers upwards, pulling even more animalistic sounds from you. 

“Yeah?” He whispers frantically, so turned on by the way your entire body stiffens. “Right there?” He continues, leaning his full body weight forward with his knee, wincing at the way he presses his cock against anything he can find in the process, just to get you off right here, right now. 

You nod just as frantically, toes curling, arms shooting to the chair in a form that should appear as discomfort, but really you’re just bracing yourself through the tensing of your muscles before all of them relax and pulse at once. 

Your ears pop, but you can still hear your desperate cries of his name somewhere distant. You can even hear him, humming and encouraging your orgasm. You wish you could hold your eyes open to see him, to grab him and force him to fuck his fingers hard into you. God, you could take it right now. You could take just about anything to heighten this feeling of stars bursting behind your eyelids. 

Somehow though, it’s like he knows. Half-way through your orgasm, you feel the weight between your legs shift and his fingers start moving again. Still, your eyes are squeezed shut, and you can't help but to lunge forward and hug against his neck, clinging to him through the prolonged orgasm that his fingers alone have brought to you. 

“Squeezing me so tight–” Sunghoon groans, unsure of if he’s referring to the way your needy cunt crowds his fingers, or the way you cling to him like a lost pet, begging for him to never leave your sight. “Fuck, you’re so pretty like this.”

You hear those words over any of his others. So clear in your head as you snap your head up and look at him. You see him lower his gaze, but your grip doesn’t quite allow him to actually look down at you. Not when he has to physically hold you up anyway. Still, he looks amused up there, knowing that single compliment must’ve hit somewhere inside of you.

You’re not sure why, through all this, Sunghoon calling you pretty makes it so much more intimate. And even as your legs continue to shake, and you release your death grip hug on him, he keeps himself crowded up to you. He’s somehow out of breath just like you are, relishing in the calm silence of your post orgasm as he…Jesus.

It’s not just your imagination. Somehow, it is intimate. It’s the way he pulls his fingers out and both hands shoot to your face. First, he kisses you as if you’re a long lost love. Deeply, slowly. Then, he’s putting one hand at the small of your back, nudging his knee right back between your legs, and pulling you right up against him. 

“Who did you cum for?” Sunghoon asks, pulling back just to lick against your lips and stare directly down at you. “Say my name.”

You don’t hesitate, echoing out with a winced expression, still so out of breath while rubbing your clit to the expanse of his thigh. 

“Su-Sunghoo-Sunghoon-” 

“Yeah?” He encourages you, hearing his name heat his ears up. He moves his pussy-slicked fingers to your mouth while you cry his name, and easily presses your tongue down with them, sliding the digits further and further down your throat. “Sunghoon.” He says his own name. “Say it again.”

You gag around his fingers, unable to obey his demand. 

“Sung–” He inspects the way your tongue struggles against the intrusion in your mouth. “Hoon.” 

You swallow around them now, sputtering, tears now running down the outer apples of your cheeks. He watches you do it too, wondering how good that would feel if it were his cock you’re swallowing around. Knowing you’d probably do it for him if he wanted to right now. 

But…he needs more than that. Despite how delicious you look while gagging, his cock has been neglected and he needs to fuck out the stress from the past however long you’ve been avoiding him. It’s like his brain breaks with the action as he watches you take his fingers in whatever way he offers. You let him do whatever he wants. You’re obeying. 

“Up.” He suddenly says, pulling all physical contact with you away as he turns, steps out of the pants restricting his ankles, and swipes every pen, file, and picture frame off his desk. “Come here, baby.”

You feel like you’re melted to this chair right now, in all honesty. You’re still trying to catch your breath just from touching his cock before he decided to make you see fucking stars, to think you can stand right now is insane.

So, when you don’t immediately hop up and throw yourself onto his desk, he turns to look at you. 

You’re splayed out, legs still spread, toes still curled. Your chest is heaving to breathe, eyes wild and lips so fucking kissable. 

“Oh, fuck.” He sighs to himself in realization, relishing in the image of you he’s only recently been craving. “Look at you.”

You lift your arm to hide your face, feeling apologetic for the way you’ve lost the ability to exist as an active participant right now. Even more apologetic when you glance down at how fucking hard his cock is. Raging hard, so pretty with the tip sputtering precum for god knows how long. 

He watches you stare, and lends you a few moments to catch your breath by gripping it himself. Leaning himself against his desk and twisting his wrist with a tight grip at the base. 

“Is this how you looked at me when I did this before?” He asks, flicking his wrist still with each drag. “So out of it, you look like such a mess, babe.”

You find yourself humming a confirmation to him as you watch, almost reverting back to who you were during that first session. Unseen, only heard, all while you got to see him pleasure himself to almost nothing. You gave him nothing. 

You’ve still only given him nothing. 

And so, very slowly, you force yourself to stand on shaking legs to take those two strides to his desk. Something inside of you tingles when he drops his cock and opens his arms for you, like a good boss would do in this situation. Supporting your unbalanced weight, letting you walk into his comforting grasp. 

“Said my name so pretty, you know.” He comments gently when he holds you close to him. Hands reaching down from the grip around your waist just to grab both of your fleshy ass checks and squeeze them. “You want more, yes?”

He’s quick to the point, only allowing the short and sweet moments to last just enough for them to stick in your head. Just enough to have questions about his actions. Just enough to give him anything, everything, he could want if it involves your body.

You nod almost shyly, dipping your head down and leaning against his chest. 

“Let's get this off of you then.” He smiles with a gentle voice, reaching to the hem of your shirt and pulling it straight up, watching how you lift your arms to help him. “Mhm–” He hums again, loving how the bra drags off of you along with the shirt. He lets both of his hands brush your nipples before he goes back to gripping your ass cheeks and spreading them. 

Spreading them so wide that, once again, you have to lift on your toes just to let him play with your body. Which, oh man. Always wearing his button down shirts, his blazers, his long-sleeve shirts. You can’t help it when you tug at the opened fabric of his shirt, asking silently that he shake it off. Wanting to see his arms, wanting to see the strength in them.

And he does it without hesitation, letting his hands fall from you just for a moment to shake his shirt off, only now hugging against you again and forcing a position change. He turns both of you so now you’re up against his desk, and he’s standing in front of you.

It’s easy for him to push you back in a kiss. Your legs open for him on instinct anyway, so he need not worry about prying those legs open again. You do just as expected when he pushes you too. Your ass hits the desk and you lift on your toes to sit on it. Your legs spread wider, making room for him to step even closer, cock right up against you when he closes any amount of distance, and still? He’s kissing you. 

All across your face, down your neck, back to your lips. And his hands just keep feeling. Massaging your tits, lending small taps to your ass, holding your chin, jaw, neck, and then…he runs them through your hair. 

The feeling is so good you almost forget how you’ve been trying to steal a glimpse of his flexing arms as he grabs at you. Goosebumps prickle and you let out a groan at the pleasure of it. He keeps one hand there now, smiling against his kiss to your ear. 

“You like being pampered?” He asks, now gripping a fist full of your hair and skewing your neck to the side. “Like being moved around like a puppet?”

Never once have you thought about your sex life that way, but when you think about it…maybe. After all, you did enjoy being told when and how to touch yourself, being allowed or forbidden from cumming. Now, with him quite literally moving you around with just a simple grip of your hair? Yeah. 

“By you–” You mutter out as you open your eyes, staring at the ceiling and feeling his tongue lap against your earlobe. 

“Just me?” He leans back, using that same grip in your hair to force you to look at him. “You’d give me that power?”

You nod against the grasp, lips falling open in a moan despite not being pleasured by anything aside from the stinging against your scalp as he pulls little hairs a bit too tightly. 

“You know–” Sunghoon starts now, pressing his hips forward, dropping his other hand to his cock and slapping it right against your weeping cunt. “If I had known you were this dirty...”He sighs out at the image in his head, thinking back to all those times he silently complimented you in his head. Back then, never would he have made comments about your legs out loud, or how your tits would look in certain shirts. Thinking back now, he’s always found you quite beautiful.

Quite fuckable, even. 

You listen to the silence waiting for him to continue, feeling the way he presses the hardened head of his length against your clit repeatedly. 

“I would have propped you up on this desk months ago,” He smiles now, leaning in real close to your ear as his grip in your hair loosens just a bit. “Could’ve had you moaning my name this whole time.”

Then, you feel it. The way he adjusts his weeping cock lower, prodding at your hole just a bit until his tip is entirely enveloped by your clenching walls. 

You swallow a moan and hold your breath, legs shooting around his waist and instinctively trying to force his hips to move forward, trying to force him to penetrate you deeper.

“Shh,” He coos out, holding his hips firm and not letting you control his movements. Then, he kisses just under your ear before peppering them all the way back to your lips. He doesn’t kiss you though, no, he chuckles at you for trying. Watching you let your tongue fall from your mouth, inspecting the way you’re entirely in tune for him right now. “You really want it, don’t you?” He whispers just above your lips. “Want me to fuck you right here, right now?”

You nod absentmindedly, legs still trying to force him to move, arms clinging under his biceps, head still forced into whatever position he keeps it in by the hair. 

“Please–Sunghoon.” You cry in a small voice, feeling as if you’re going insane by the feeling of his tip sitting comfortably in you. 

“You’re so cute.” He smiles, lending you another inch of his length before letting his hand fall from your hair. There, he grips your waist instead, letting a strained grunt fall from his own lips this time. He’s really trying to remain collected about this, and he’s unsure himself why he’s enjoying the act of teasing you like this. He feels like he’s teasing himself more than you right now, seeing as how it’s taking everything in him not to stuff his cock into you hard and fast. “So–so, fucking cute.”

You clench around the few inches in you and it appears that’s all he needed to break entirely. Is he controlling you, or are you controlling him? 

Honestly, who gives a fuck?

You feel his arms shake when he plants them at either side of you, pointing his cock straight into you and sliding in fully. There’s a groan from him that you want to hear so badly, but your own heart beat is thumping in your ears so loudly that you miss half of it. 

The stretch is delicious, and the fact that it’s Sunghoon doing this to you makes this all the more enjoyable. The man who you’ve seen day after day, now holding himself up on the desk you’ve signed papers on with and for him? All so he can angle his hips and shove his cock in? Just to let his arms frantically wrap around your waist? Just so he can scoot you forward on this desk, using your leaking slick to slide you back and forth in time with his hips? 

That groan you wanted to hear? He hasn’t stopped. He’s essentially, controlling the entire situation and when you half open your eyes to witness his face, you’re forced to roll your eyes back in a moan matching his. 

He’s fucking you so deeply right now that all you can do is moan, all you can do is forget the embarrassment, the victimization, the way he’s doing this to you despite the risk of reality crumbling. He could lose his job, you could lose yours, and yet still– he’s fucking you like he doesn’t care.

So, you choose not to care either in the form of grabbing his hair, forcing his head back, and attaching your lips right against his adams apple. You feel him swallow and breathe out a shocked sound, and then? You suck.

Intentionally, you suck, bite, and lick, harder and harder until there’s a deep purple mark there. He doesn’t even fight it, though you feel him try to move his head just to keep you from going too insane with it. You don’t care though, because still you feel his cock splitting you open, forcing you to adjust to him. 

“Ah,” Sunghoon lets out another breath with that familiar chuckle, “Marking me now?” 

You hum a confirmation as you move to a new spot on his neck, absolutely fucking marking him. Feeling devastated by the idea that he’d do this with any other employee. Or any other person in general. 

“Making me all yours, huh?” He continues with his cocky words, feeling the way your pussy clenches him tightly, dripping all over his desk. He’d let you make him yours, with or without the bruising from your mouth. 

“Mhm.” You hum pleasantly, letting out little yelps each time he slams into you. Letting out full moans each time his arms wrap around your waist tighter. 

You continue with the act, littering his pretty neck with your touch and loving how he just lets you. Knowing that he’ll show up at work tomorrow looking a bit tired, but glowing nonetheless, trying to hide all these marks with that tight-necked collar he likes to wear. 

“Whatever you want.” He breathes, letting his hips lose rhythm for just a moment as he feels his muscles tighten. “Fuck, you’re still so tight.” 

You feel like you’re on top of the world as he compliments you, to the point you’re not sure when you’ll cum because your whole body has seemingly been feeling euphoria anyway. Everything feels good, even if his cock reaches deep enough to cause little jolts of pain. The sound of the desk scooting back through the force of his hips is enough to make you take it. Enough to squeeze your legs around him tighter, enough to clench, enough to– forget what you’re doing and let yourself fall into it with him.

Your head falls back from his neck and you pant out little half-calls of his name with each thrust. Your legs loosen from around him too, but his grip on your waist only pushes you back on his desk. Until he’s leaning forward so hard with each thrust that suddenly your back meets the cold wood.

Sandwiched between him and his desk, he follows the action, his hands quickly moving from your waist to your tits, pushing them together just so he can nuzzle his face between them.

There, you look at him. You really look at him. 

What a messy, messy, man. Always so pristine during working hours, now looking so wrecked and out of it as he chases a pleasure that you hope only you can give to him. 

“Mr. Park–” You sigh out in a pleasant voice, watching the way he sucks your tit into his mouth before his eyes open wide just so he can look up at you through each thrust. “Harder.”

You can physically see the way his eyes darken when he pops off from your tit, hands now going back to the desk as he hovers over you and intentionally rolls his hips. 

You feel his cock loosen you up painfully before he intentionally fucks into you. Dragging all the way out, just to push forward in a deep and painful thrust. Over and over again, all while he’s staring straight into your eyes.

As you look up at him, you see the intent in his face. The way he wants to give you exactly what you want. Sweat shining from his cheeks, his neck littered with pretty colors. Oh, he’s actually heavenly when he fucks. 

Better than what you thought that guy on camera would have been. He’s not nonchalant like he was when he was performing. He’s entirely in tune with you and what you want. Like what you want is what he wants. 

You can tell he’s paying no mind to his own face or expression, blatantly putting all of his thoughts into how he’s pleasuring you, his eyes searching your face to tell him he’s doing well. To tell him you feel good, to tell him you’re close or–

“Fuck–” He sighs out, teeth tracing his bottom lip as he glances up, keeping pace with the way he’s been plunging into you. “I can’t keep looking at you,”

You smile, feeling dazed and far away. It feels like it’s just you and him. You’re not in his office, on a desk, or doing anything you shouldn’t be doing. 

“You hear me?” He drops his body weight on you again, letting his hips move freely as he chases and chases. “I’m so close.”

Oh. 

“Then look at me.” You huff out, now shooting a hand between his flexed abs and simply…touching your clit once.

 “Oh–shit.” 

It hits you so fast. Just a simple touch causes your pussy to clench Sunghoon so tightly that he mimics your sound. 

“Ah, fuck- fuck,” His voice sounds frantic as he tries to pull out, only to feel your legs shoot back around him. This time, he lets you force him to stay. He lets those legs of yours push him back in, so deep that he knows he can’t fight. “No, no–” He chokes out, uncaring if his hips show you that he’s lying with his words. “I’m cumming– I need to–”

“Stay!” You shake beneath him but your voice sounds pleading, pressing once more to your clit before letting it go. You clench him again, essentially letting your body finish him off. Letting those clenches squeeze him so tightly, making sure he couldn’t fathom ever wasting his cum. “Don’t pull out.”

He doesn’t. In fact, he presses impossibly deeper, trying to bury his cock into you to the point it even pains him. Arms shaking as he tries to hold himself up again, only to drop his lips to yours under his own weight. His hips are so tense between your legs, his cock is so stiff that you can feel each pumped release, and still you’re experiencing your own euphoria through it. 

To the point your toes are curling and you barely notice the way you leave welts across his back from your fingernails through the intense orgasm. To the point his slack lips against yours feel more natural than anything else. Not kissing, just close. So close that–

He kisses you. 

After it’s all said and done, he still kisses you breathlessly. Passionately almost, clinging to you as his cock twitches as it grows flaccid inside of you.

He doesn’t pull out, he just…kisses.

And as you lay against his wooden desk, body coming down from the pleasure you’ve felt more than once within the past hour, all you can do is let your brain think on its own. Without shame, without embarrassment or anxiety. 

You thought Sunghoon would have been in control the whole time. Teasing you, maybe even making this experience more painful than it needs to be. But no, he…

He’s soft. Gentle, almost. 

Only now do you recognize that as badly as he probably wants to appear harsh, like the confident man he is on camera, you think he needs something else. Not just power, not just money or control. Not even just fucking. 

You think…maybe, Sunghoon needs connection. 

Intimacy. 

And that’s proven when he does finally stand on his own buckled knees, pulling you up with him into a hug where he still kisses you. Up until he takes that shirt you unbuttoned and holds it between your legs, scratching the back of his neck with a shy glance at you. 

“Sorry for the mess.” He echoes in a meek voice, holding that shirt firm against you. “Guess I just couldn’t help myself.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Days later, you find yourself in his bed. Which should have been expected probably. Still doesn’t change the fact that every few hours, you remind yourself the reality of the situation.

It’s not just any bed you’re in. It’s Sunghoon’s bed. 

“Oh, right. The promotion.” Sunghoon suddenly calls out mid-episode. 

You’ve been here with him all day. To the point neither of you bother to put on clothes now because you know the spark will come back at any given time and you’ll be all over each other again. Still, lazing in his bed with him on a Saturday afternoon is nice. 

“I’ve been a bit occupied but– the interviews for the assistant position has been pushed back a bit due to you not coming to work.  I was supposed to notify you when you got back, but you know, we had priorities–” 

Sunghoon sighs, embarrassed. It’s nice actually, seeing him in his natural element. Allowing you to see him as more than just the guy that wears a suit and tie every day at work. 

“Unrelated to us…doing this, but, you’re up for the interview. Just need to schedule it with me. If you still want to be my assistant, I mean.”

“Oh, I can only imagine what that could entail.”

Sunghoon seems offended by this remark as he pulls back with furrowed brows.

“Excuse me?”

“Did you fuck the last one too?” You give him a playful smile, prodding at his soft-skinned chest.

“Absolutely not?!” 

“You’re still gonna fuck me too though, right? Even if I’m constantly having to nag you for signatures and meetings?” 

Sunghoon stares at you before smiling. 

“Well, let's see if you get the job anyway. Rhonda from Marketing is applying too.”

You lend a half-joke gag at him. 

“Is it too forward to ask for special attention for the position along with a sexual favor?” You tread the thin line. “I’m half joking but wouldn’t it be like…normal for us to be seen around each other at work if I’m working a job that requires it?”

Sunghoon thinks hard.

“You’re really asking to fuck your way up the ladder?”

“Aren’t you the one who offered it so I wouldn’t tell your dirty little secret?” You narrow your eyes at him. “But no, I’m asking for the job I’ve been trying to earn for ages. Besides, I’d still fuck you anyway.”

“Fair.” Sunghoon thinks harder still. “Rhonda would probably find out too, if she were to get the position anyway, considering my assistants are often intertwined in my personal business as well.”

“Oh, I’m personal business now?”

“Babe, my hand has been on your tit for an hour now.” 

Well, he’s not wrong.

“Rhonda is really close with HR too…” You trail off, feeling a bit anxious. “I think she’d hold it over both of us if she found out.” 

“In all fairness, you’ve been considered for the job more than a few times the past few months. Rhonda only applied during your two week avoidance of me. The reason she’s even up for the position is because my boss thinks you’re too flaky.” 

Oh, so you have a chance with or without putting his dick in your mouth again?

“Who else has applied?”

“Confidential.” Sunghoon shrugs. “I still have to follow company rules even if we’re breaking a few of them right now. What I can tell you is, over fifteen other candidates have already been phased out by me personally.” 

You pause.

“Why?”

“Bad matches, mostly. Two of them have been caught talking shit about me through the company emails, and the others? Many outside applicants, all freshman college students with strict schedules.”

“Being my assistant is not an easy job, and even before all of this, you’ve practically been doing the job already, better than the current assistant I have.”

You damn fucking right you have.

“How many are still in the running?”

“Two.”

Oh, this job is soooooo yours. 

“Just, one more thing.” Sunghoon sighs. “If you get this job, we cannot be fucking in my office. No sexual stuff at work. We can take lunch together, or I’ll bring you home after work, but absolutely nothing at work.”

Oh, he thinks you want him that badly? 

“Who says I need to fuck you during work hours anyway? I know how to control myself.”

“It’s not you who I’m worried about.” Sunghoon looks away, biting the inside of his cheek.

“Yeah?” You smile. “You gonna be calling me into your office just to torture yourself?”

“Oh, absolutely.” 

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

pls remember to leave feedback and reblog! :D love you!

[red-man-of-mustache]

Starting Over

Waow, I sure have been absent a lot lately huh? More than usual, but also more fierce in trying to say "I'll be back" or not go on hiatus.

We've had a good run. Mario and I. Literally ten years. On and off yes but still, a full decade of me writing the guy and enjoying every second of it. I still say he's one of the muses that came most naturally to me.

It's been a while since I've had a full day of replying to things, getting asks out or musing ... and truthfully, I'm done. This time, I've come to realize that my muse is so far away that I don't see this being remedied. There will be no more coming back from the brink of hiatus hell, no more popping back in to revive the flame. It's over. My run with Mario is at it's end and it pains me to say that really. At least, portraying him. I'll always be a huge fan of his media.

That's the TLDR. If you'd like the rest of my thoughts they'll be below the cut so as to not clutter the dash. Mostly reminiscing and clarifying why I've come to this decision.

I've made Ganondorf his own blog. He's not going down with the plumber.

Any questions, thoughts, anything really, my discord is available upon request. Just reach out in messages. ^^

One thing about Mario is he's, in my opinion, timeless. Certain aspects of his media are products of their time but still the message, the overall goofiness, and the content within can be enjoyed when or wherever. I remember being a kid and my first foray into his world. It was magical. I fell in love with the simple mechanic of running and jumping to get where you needed mixed in with the other things that came about when the situation called for it. Then I discovered his other escapades into certain genres, chief of all being RPG's. Legend Of The Seven Stars, Paper Mario, and the M&L series. We all know how excellent these titles are for expanding on most corners of this universe with admittedly surface level characters.

But, that's what I think makes this particular franchise beautiful: simple motivations and character archetypes that cascade to make the plots of these games we all love. Mario is a hero. Wherever he can, he will help. The Mushroom Kingdom receives most of his attention naturally but he's not foreign to traveling, getting into a bind and helping people locally. We see parts of him peek out along all his adventures: he's brash, aggressive, passionate, and so many other shades of human.

This inspired me way back when to role-play him. Specifically however I was spurred to come here, tumblr, to be him by my Girlfriend. Usually I'd shrug off specific requests for characters as I have a need for things to flow naturally but I followed her request and never looked back. Ten years later, I'm still typing on this blue wall of a site.

The ups, downs, and all arounds of life have all taken me in various directions but I always would come back ready to be a goof again amongst like-minded people.

Not this time however.

There's just.... something in the air. I don't have the will to force out another reply or even crop another icon. I don't have it in me to muse over the games like I used to. And it's not to say I'm soured to the media. Quite the contrary actually. I bought Brothership day 1 and although I believe there's pacing issues (A la Dream Team) I'm hooked.

I don't feel at home anymore dwelling on this blog.

That's not anyone's fault. And that's okay really. We need to be able to look ourselves in the eye and say when things aren't working out. Being afraid of starting over has held me back in a lot of areas in life, specifically with interpersonal relationships. Not anymore.

I won't be starting again with Mario however. This chapter of my life has come to a close. I hold Mario and by extension my writing as him very close to my heart. Yet, I just don't have it in me anymore.

I'll be honest: I wish to bring joy to people with what I do. It's as much for me as it is you, the person reading this. I can't fake that. I have been for a bit actually. That's not okay.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm using Mario to fill a void in my life.

These kinds of thoughts don't "get to me" per se but why am I asking myself such questions? It all comes full circle to the simple act of logging on and writing for him. I can choose not to be here as I've unfortunately been doing. I can choose to step away and recuperate. What I can't choose however is where my heart lies.

So this is goodbye. Goodbye Mario and all the things I've conjured around him. We had a great run. The spirit of it will live on while I play his games and cheer him on.

This blog and it's predecessor represent an especially tender part of me. Both of them will stay up as a testament to that. I believe I've contacted most of the people I speak with regularly before making this public but if you have any questions OR want further clarification just reach out. I think I've rambled long enough here.

I love you all. Being Mario has been a feeling I'll never be able to replicate or capture ever again and honestly? That's a good thing. These fond memories will live on and I can come back to look at them whenever.

[stusbunker]

Spotless: Pizzicato

Chapter Nineteen

Featuring: Dean Winchester/Reader, Dean/Bela, Dean/Cas (unrequited)

Other characters: Miriam Talbot (OFC Bela's mother)

Word Count: 2567

Warnings, etc: Mutual pining, putting out other people's fires, and old baggage, unbeta'd

A/N: Castiel and Trouble's friendship is something I didn't realize she had been missing until he was in front of her. There are a couple of big truth bombs in this chapter and I hope I handled them respectfully. This is an AU and it is not indicative of this author's feelings on canon or any other fandom shipping practices.

Series Masterlist

Posting on Dean’s instagram account was par for the course as the band’s publicist. You bothered to know what a hashtag was, for one. For another it also allowed you to check traffic on posts and actively moderate things to help the comment section look best for Dean’s image. Afterall, Dean trusted you, you weren’t going to leak anything or make him look like an idiot.

You were a goddamn professional and this wasn’t the hardest thing you’d done in the last year, but Jesus fuck were you pissed.

Dean hated tattoos. Really, he hated needles. He was black out drunk when he and Sam got their matching flaming pentagrams. He actually had a panic attack the next morning after realizing he let someone “sew ink” into his skin. By sheer force of will and through the bond of shared grief, you got him to go with you for Jo’s memorial tattoo on the tenth anniversary of her death. It was in your all-time top five ultimate Dean-Y/N memories.

And now it meant jack shit.

You edited and cropped the photos, sent two back to Bela to post on her account and then posted the lion’s share onto Dean’s, making him look like the diligent boyfriend while Bela was busy in the chair. You thanked Billie for taking care of “his girl” and made sure the shop was the location and tagged. You wanted to punch something, it looked so good. Then you sat back and let the interwebs do its job.

Okay, in actuality, you emailed about twenty different people, had a conference call with the tour management marketing team, scheduled radio station drop ins and followed up with Meg on the expected release of Dean’s photoshoot and interview. These days it may just end up online, but you hoped she was able to score him real physical print space.

It was just as you were winding down for the night, when your phone rang. It was past any reasonable business hours and you were already done with your skin care routine, but then you saw the caller id.

“Miriam! Hi!” You tried to sound pleasantly surprised.

“Don’t Miriam me, young lady. What is going on out there? Is it drugs? I thought we missed this stage when she quit acting for college. You’d tell me if this hoodlum was pressuring her into risky behavior wouldn’t you?”

Which was a lot to unpack right off the bat like that, luckily you had experience dealing with Bela’s mother.

“It’s just a tattoo. She’s not on drugs, I promise.”

“And what about this Dean? I knew they were seeing each other, but this seemed a bit more intimate— not exactly in the public eye.”

Oh, she was good.

“He’s not on drugs either. And—- he actually isn’t thrilled with tattoos. This might be all Bela, if I’m being honest.”

“Have you seen the things they’re saying? The things they’re calling her, Y/N?”

You rolled your eyes and heaved yourself out of bed, you needed your laptop if you were going to continue this conversation rationally. 

“Let me look into it— what site were you on?”

“Oh, I’m not sure. Olivette, one of the boardmember’s wives, told me she read about it online during dinner.”

You inhaled deeply and started your usual rotation of sites, you’d have to add some new tags to follow Bela’s buzz more closely going forward. 

“And you’re sure this wasn’t just bad blood from Olivia? I’m not finding much besides general surprise.”

“It’s Olivette. And yes, I’m certain. She wouldn’t make me worry without a reason.”

And then you realized what you were missing, it wasn’t just People or TMZ you had to worry about. You went to Hello!’s twitter and you found what had Miriam Talbot’s friend in a huff. 

You started scanning the comments, gathering the most common complaints and judging their amount of influence via cursory glances. You did not know a lot of the news personalities or celebrity bloggers in the UK. You were going to have to meet with Bela and figure out a better approach going forward.

“Okay, Miriam, it’s almost eleven here. I know you probably called me as soon as you woke up, but consider me on the case. Alright? Bela’s fine and this is just a minor hiccup.”

“If you’re sure, Y/N, dear.”

You sighed. “Of course. I would warn you if there was anything to worry about. But please just let this run its course. You know how the tabloids are.”

“Unfortunately I do, that’s why I called. Please keep me updated if anything else comes up?”

“Will do. You have a good ni-day!”

“Goodnight dear— and thank you.”

You smiled at your lap. “Anytime.”

You let her hang up. Then you promptly pulled up your contacts list and warned Bela that her mother was sniffing about online and to call her at a decent hour. And finally, you spent the next four hours (or so) online until you had swam to the bottom of the cesspool and decided it wasn’t worth your time. At least not right then, not so exhausted.

Three days passed since the snobby UK gossip rags’ judgment rained down and, as expected, it had already just about fizzled out. You sat in a cafe with a quad shot flat white, waiting for your lunch date to arrive. Not truly a date, though it wasn’t a meeting either.

It was a diplomatic mission.

Then you spotted him and your stomach swooped, feeling the loss of his presence in your life all over again.

“Hey, Cas.” You stood and held your arms open for a hug, which he accepted with a timid smile.

“It’s good to see you, Trouble,” his gravelly voice murmured in your ear. He still smelled the same.

You pulled back and looked him in the eye, searching for anything but the sincere blue reality in front of you. He held no grudges, not with you, without even discussing it you knew he was still your friend. 

You then punched him squarely in the shoulder. “That’s for ghosting us all for the last nine months, assbutt!”

He grunted, and rolled his eyes. “I can accept that.”

“Good. Because I missed you. We all miss you.”

He tilted his head and raised his eyebrows in challenge.

“So— heard you have a kid, huh. That’s —- weird.”

Castiel exhaled and shook his head. “Who told you?”

“What? Nobody. I have eyes. And spend enough time online to draw some conclusions.”

“Kelly told you.”

“She didn’t have to. She’s amazing by the way— are you a thing now, now that you know he exists?”

Castiel looked affronted. “Me and Kelly? Oh, no. That was a teenage mistake. We were young. And we’ve both matured into vastly different people. But I respect her and I think— I hope I’ve earned her trust.”

“Tell me about him—- he’s what? Twenty-twenty one?”

“He’s twenty three and very talented. Kind, impossibly optimistic even.”

“Yikes, tough combo out here.”

“Tell me about it.”

You shared a look and he smiled at you like he knew what you were thinking about. Like you were reliving the same joke.

You blinked away the sting in your eyes.

“Go get your dark roast and get back over here, we’ve got things to discuss.”

His eyes softened, but Cas didn’t argue with you.

You sipped your drink and tried not to let all of the questions that had been building for months run away from you. He was back both too quickly and too slowly. You cleared your throat, the awkwardness you had been fighting back rushed to the surface.

“So— I presume there is more to you calling to get lunch. Not just asking about Jack and goading me about my latest tattoo?” Cas wasn’t one for small talk.

You nodded and swallowed around another perfect mouthful of milk and espresso.

Castiel’s face went through a journey when you didn’t quickly reply. “He doesn’t want to see me—- he made that quite clear.”

“And what about since everything?”

“What do you mean?”

“I know Dean’s called you. He might not have been big enough to actually apologize in a voicemail, but I know he wants to fix things— he misses you as his friend, too.”

“Then he should be able to suck up his pride and make the effort,” Cas snipped, the first sign of the lingering anger from his and Dean’s fight.

“I haven’t exactly seen much of your effort. Do you not want to fix things?--- And I’m not talking about coming back to the band— that ship has sailed. I’m talking about twenty years of friendships you just walked out on.”

Cas stared at his coffee, his eyebrow ring arched with his bitchy expression. He hated being corrected, you knew that. But this had gone on long enough.

“I’ve spoken with everyone but Dean,” Cas explained. “It’s not perfect, but it’s progress.”

“You never spoke to me,” you spat.

Cas’ eyes softened again. “I always knew where your loyalties lie, you took your time, too.”

“Wait— even SAM?!”

“Sam and I haven’t lost contact this whole time.”

You sucked in air. “Oh, he is so dead.”

“Y/N. It wasn’t like we were plotting or anything. He was worried about me, I was worried about Dean.”

“Yeah, but if Dean knew—”

“Ask Sam, but I don’t think he could hide anything from Dean if he wanted to.”

You knew he was right. Ever since Sam got sober, transparency had been something Sam put into his closest relationships anyway. Beside Dean being ruthless and stubborn, well, you supposed Cas was right. 

“Why do I feel like this band just doesn’t want me to be able to do my job?”

“Your position as group therapist is fairly tenuous. Especially with Pamela involved.”

“I meant my real job. If I had known you were on decent terms with, well, everyone but Dean, it would have made things a lot easier, young man.” You couldn’t help but smile now. Sure you were hurt, but the eggshells you had been stepping over for so long really only took up a single corner of the floor.

It was freeing.

“I never meant to cause you any distress.”

“That doesn’t make it go away, Cas.”

He bowed his head, but popped back up to meet your gaze. “I know. I apologize. I didn’t want you to think that I was done— with any of you.”

You pinched your eyes closed quickly and then reached over the table to squeeze his forearm. “Okay. So— you’ll come to Dean’s birthday party, then?”

Cas patted your hand with his left and sat back, breaking the contact and sat with the invitation for a heavy moment.

“What makes you think he’d want me there?”

You glared at him, all tattooed and handsome and absolutely clueless about how much his absence has affected Dean. Sure, Dean got to keep the band, but it wasn’t the same without Cas. Cas has had to start over entirely, become a dad and rebuild his career all without any of the support Dean has had around him through his own troubles.

“Look— I know you’re Mister Independent and I don’t want to set back any of the progress you’ve made without him needing you around. But he still looks for you whenever we all go out. And hanging out with Kevin, made it abundantly clear to him that you were available— you just weren’t interested.”

“Why do you always make it sound like we were an item?”

You rolled your eyes. “Look, we all know Dean has attachment issues. I’m not saying anything was kinky between you guys— that’s not my business. But, as friends, you guys deserve to at least get some answers— closure or forgiveness can come later, if you get there.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Really? You’re not just saying that to get me off your case?”

“Yes, really.”

You smirked and Cas’ smiled with his eyes, fidgeting his lip ring with his tongue.

Cas cleared his throat and took a sip of his coffee before changing gears. “So, your friend Bela and, uh, Dean?”

You groaned and hid your eyes in your hand. When you looked up he was laughing at you.

“What?!”

“Stop— we both know what it’s all about.”

“Kevin seems to think Dean’s whipped.” Mischief continued to dance in Cas’ eyes.

“Well, it’s about time.”

“I told him, the only one who has had Dean whipped in over a decade is you.”

You choked on your spit, sputtering at Cas’ bluntness.

“They don’t know it’s for show do they?”

You inhaled deeply. “Sam knows. Dean and Bela have their own private agreement about it all. But, uh, yeah, you pretty much guessed right.”

Cas watched you thoughtfully, futzing with his lip ring with his top teeth now. 

“How are you holding up?”

“Me? I’m fine, why?”

Cas nudged your ankle under the table with his combat boot.

“As someone who was definitely in love with him for most of my life— I know the symptoms.”

You sighed and shivered at being seen and having your long held suspicions confirmed. You rubbed your upper arm, trying to fight the goosebumps. “I’m fine. Nothing has changed. He’s just been working on himself and that is— distracting.”

Cas hummed, head cocking to the side as if looking at you with a different angle would give him more insight.

“I mean it. He’s in therapy and everything. Sam and him are working out. He’s been insanely focused on the latest album—”

“He’s doing penance.”

“Maybe. But he wants to be better. It’s not just guilt. I don’t know how to explain it. But, you’ll see what I mean.”

Cas eyebrow popped up again.

“You will,” you insisted.

“You always were able to read me weren’t you?”

You chuckled at the back of your mouth, short and knowing. “Guess it comes with being stuck with each other for so long.”

“Shared trauma response,” Cas teased.

“Or that.”

You finished the last of your drink and looked around the cafe.

“So, where we going to eat? I think we’ve had enough heavy— sushi?”

“You buying?”

“Phantom Traveler is covering this as a business lunch.”

Cas stood and pushed in his chair. “Okay, well then, bring on the seafood.”

You stood and let Cas walk you outside, his hand on the small of your back until he could offer you his elbow on the sidewalk. You smiled up at him and pulled him tight to your side.

“I’m glad you’re back, Cas.”

“Well, we’ll see if everyone agrees with you, won’t we?”

The afternoon passed quickly, catching up and sharing memories that were now tinted with the grief of the last lost year. Things made more sense the longer you thought about how the band had been acting, especially way back at the Animal Shelter where Cas’ niece had been more than willing to put in her two cents. You texted Sam while you waited for your meals, warning him where you were and what you knew.

‘Have fun.’

His only response. Asshole.

But everything kept from you, kept from Dean, wouldn’t last forever. It couldn’t. Now you at least could control the narrative a bit more by being in on it all. Or most of it at least.

Tagging:

@deans-spinster-witch

@mrswhozeewhatsis

@cosicas-cuquis

@fics-pics-andotherthings-i-like

@suckitands33

@ladysparkles78

@deans-baby-momma

@stoneyggirl2

@sassy-pelican

@leigh70

@globetrotter28

@winharry

@lastactiontricia

@rockhoochie

Chapter Twenty: Arpeggio

[lordshroom]

Happy One Year Anniversary to 2012 Good Genes! WOOOOO

I want to say thank you to everyone who has supported the comic! Whether it's writing a comment, leaving a like when a new chapter drops (or spamming likes as you binge it), or just reading it. Thank you <3

Hard to believe I've managed to semi-consistently update a comic for a whole ass year. When I started this comic, it was a means to force myself to learn how to draw the turtles and just force myself outside my comfort zone: dynamic posing, perspective, shivers backgrounds.

I thought I would run with this idea for a few months, get bored, then move on to something else. A fate that has unfortunately fell many of my previous projects.

But then I started recognizing the same few blogs liking the new updates. I got a few followers. I got a few comments. Every note felt like something special, a sign that people actually wanted to read this story.

So I kept making the comic. One of the biggest shifts in mindset came from when I met Gavin Smith, an artist for the IDW series, I asked him how long it took him to draw a page. He said, "It changes depending on the page. Sometimes it takes three hours sometimes it takes three days." My priorities shifted from "Get the comic done as soon as possible before I get bored" to "make the comic you want to make". The comic went from this to this. I missed coloring, so I started coloring. But I always liked inking more than coloring, so I started inking the comic pretty soon after.

This does mean the comic takes longer to get out, and that bums me out. But I don't mind taking some extra time to give the pages some zest because, well, you guys. If you're going to take the time out of your day to read the pages, I'm going to take some extra time to work on them.

My dream job has always been to be a writer. I've fluctuated between writing books, movie scripts, comic scripts, and a bunch of other stuff.

When I was little, I would imagine elaborate 2012 fan fiction. I never wrote any of this down since I was deeply embarrassed by my fascination with TMNT. It was a boy's show, and I was a girl. On top of that, 2012 became my lifelong hyperfixation. I didn't even seek out an online community for 2012, the closest I ever got was the forums for the show on the Nick site I watched the episodes on.

In high school, I realized who the hell cares and started entering the online community. I watched Rise and 2003, bought the IDW hardcovers, and started getting the figures.

Then in college, I said, "screw it," and started writing a fan fiction on AO3. It did not perform well. I tried to tell myself that I should write for myself, but it was hard to find the motivation to continue so I moved on.

Last summer, I started working on my original story and considered making it a webcomic. I watched a bunch of videos about making comics and wanted to try it out. Now, all the advice for making your first comic is to "make it small so you actually finish it!"

I did not take that advice.

The idea for 2012 Good Genes was old, like, fan-fiction-I-made-in-my-head-in-high-school old. It was different from the current comic. That old version took place post-season 5 with a bunch of OCs and Donnie being mutated into something more bug-like. I went with a retelling of "Vengence is Mine" so I wouldn't have to worry about designing any new characters/ environments, and I those handful of episodes as a blueprint.

2012 Good Genes was supposed to be a learning exercise and became something so much more with your support. That support got me to work on another fanfiction on AO3, which got so much more love than I was expecting. It was so touching that people liked my writing enough to read it without any silly pictures.

So I'm going to say it again, thank you. Thank you so much for a fantastic year. I would not be where I am today without your support.

And if you managed to get through all my rambling, here's an update!

"The Invasion!" will have four more pages which I'm still drawing. After that is an original episode that I want to take time to write a script and design a character before I start posting updates, so in the meantime I will be working on drawing some stuff for my asks and working on the next chapter for "Perfect Son".

[inneedofsupervision]

I didn't ask, did I? (Chapter 7)

Happy begrudgingly steps aside and walks after Tony into the diner. The billionaire skillfully ignores the gasps of surprise and the poor attempt to take pictures of him secretly as he strides straight up to the counter. "Two cheeseburgers and a large fry. To go." "Please get in line and wait for your turn, Sir." "Excuse me?" Tony slowly pulls his sunglasses down and glances at the skinny teen behind the register. "Bad hearing comes with age, huh?" mutters the teen under his breath. Happy makes a choking sound behind him. ___________________ Or, how Tony Stark gets sassed by some high schooler working part-time and makes it his mission to figure out what he did to make this kid he'd never seen hate him. If that means annoying the hell out of said high schooler, that's not his problem.

Chapter: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10

Chapter Summary: Rhodey and Tony finally leave, and Peter is left alone with his thoughts.

(Read on Ao3)

Peter's forehead leans against the door. Only after the engine of Mr. Stark's car howled and the tires started to roll did the teen dare push his fingers between the blinds and pull them aside to peek out of the window.

They are finally gone.

With a deep sigh, Peter raises a hand, ready to run it through his hair, only to stop when he realizes that it's still covered in paint.

If Aunt May knew about what he did, he would get sentenced to a week's worth of house chores. Including a deep clean of the bathroom.

"Not my most glorious moment."

After several minutes, with the help of half a bottle of dish liquid, an old sponge, and lots of hot water, Peters's hands were reddened but free of paint and smelled, according to the dishwashing label, of gentle citrus dreams, whatever that meant.

While drying his hand, the teen couldn't help thinking about his act of revenge. It was petty.

Peter feels ashamed to use his abilities for something so childish and silly. He is Spider-Man. He should be the one keeping people from vandalizing, and what did he do? Smearing one of the most important buildings in NYC, just because he let Mr. Stark provoke him.

"If I simply hadn't said anything. Why can't I keep my big mouth shut?"

The guilty conscience grew while he worked on a persistent sauce stain on one of the tables with his rag.

Mr. Stark mentioned his action costing Stark Industries millions. At the same time, Peter felt like the man didn't care about the money but rather about his image, and the flippancy with which the man talked about losing money sparks Peter's anger anew.

It's already dark outside by the time the teenager closes the shop. With his hoodie deep in his face and his head ducked, he quickly walks down the street. May won't be back until tomorrow morning, and if he hurried, he might manage to patrol for two hours before going to bed.

On his way through the city, he walks past a construction site. He halts, and his eyes wander along the scaffold that takes up the whole facade.

"A truck hit the front at full speed a few weeks ago."

Peter turns away from the destroyed building. A man leans against one of the street lights. He has his, several times patched coat tightly wrapped around his body, a bottle sitting comfortably in his hand. He tosses his head, taking a hearty sip before pointing at the building.

"One of the best shelters in the whole of New York. Never mind how busy you got treated like you meant something. They even let your furred friend in there if you had one. Now, we can only hope they rebuild it. To our luck, they put another cafe here."

"I heard about the incident," manages Peter to get out, voice hoarse.

"You're okay, boy?"

The homeless man squints his eyes at him, and something in Peter's stomach coils as the guilty conscience hits full force at the thought of a man without a roof over his head worrying about a random teenager.

A man who didn't have a roof over his head because Spider-Man hadn't been here.

"Yes, I mean, not really," stammers Peter before taking a deep breath, attempting to collect himself. The man eyes him with worry, partly curiosity, and takes another sip while waiting for the teen to finish his sentence.

"It's just that I knew someone. Someone who came here often."

Peter feels ashamed when he catches the man's eyes widening with realization. The man shortened the distance between them, stepping closer, and despite the strong sense of alcohol prickling in his nose, he knew he wasn't in any danger. A heavy hand lays on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry about that, boy."

It's embarrassing how his eyes start burning. Peter had to look away from the empathy-filled, bearded face.

"I don't know who you knew from the bunch, but I know many people hanging around here, and most are decent. I'm sure whoever it was, he would appreciate a fine young man like you to remember him. Many people in this city don't recognize us as humans, but you are alright, boy."

The hand on his shoulder gives another tight but comforting squeeze while Peter uses the back of his hand to wipe over his eyes. He manages to whisper a small thank you.

The man didn't look happy with a crying teenager in front of him.

"You want some?"

Peter eyes the bottle with a high percentage of alcohol before his eyes fall back onto the worried eyes of the man. A small smile blooms on his face, and he has to chuckle at the ridiculousness of the situation. He sniffles and wipes at his other eye.

"No, thank you. But there's something else."

The man pulls the bottle back with a grin.

"I'm listening, boy. Spit it out."

Peter manages to give him a grateful smile.

"Would you tell me your name?"

The homeless man raises an eyebrow in disbelief before grinning.

"The name's Jason."

Jason holds out his hand. Without batting a lid, Peter takes the hand, including the filthy fingerless glove, shaking it tightly.

"I'm Peter."

[megamagimugi]

now here’s where we ✨uno reverse✨and you get a question and some praise.

What got you into the Mario fandom? And also!! Your bio says your a fan of TMNT, but which version do you like the most? The 2003 and 2012 version are pretty nostalgic to me, but I loved the 2012 one the most, their designs are personally my most favorite! ROTTMNT I know is a really good one; I started binging it last summer but never got around to finishing it :(

Now praise! I know I’ve said this in your ask for me, but I just REALLY love your art. Your redraws are on another level, you effortlessly nail the M&L style— seriously, why is it so hard for me?? I’m too perfectionist when it comes to them. 😂 I knew once I saw your drawings of Zahra’s amazing Anything for Him story that I’d be hooked. And your attention to detail is just 🤌🏾🤌🏾🤌🏾 like that water from your beach redraw I’m still not over.

And you’re always so supportive of my art, and it means more than words 🥹 especially with the anticipation of my upcoming animation, my motivation fluctuates. I want to pick up my Apple Pencil and just do it, but it’s like something holds me back. Honestly just talking about my art with people is a good source of drive for me, and you’re definitely one of the best sources of motivation ♥️ thank you for being so kind, and thank you for being you! You’re so loved 🫂

Okay, storytime it is! (This is most definitely going to be my longest answer to date; hope you don't mind).

Let me give you some background first. Unlike most people I didn't get into gaming as a little kid. My household was basically video game-free - my father wasn't into gaming, neither was my older sister and my mother was even somewhat against video games. Under these circumstances the first video game I ever played was the Sims, as my sister had a short-lived phase when she liked it. I found it incredibly boring. Sometimes I'd watch my cousins or friends play other games when I visited, but they'd never let me play xD Still, that made me realize that I enjoyed (=wanted to try) racing and action/adventure games.

At one point, when I was a little older, my still humble gaming experience led me to finally playing my first Mario game: Mario Kart. I look back at that experience fondly as I also won against my friend at the time on my first try. He wasn't particularly great at gaming either but hey, a win is a win.

Anyway, I got curious about these characters and started searching for more info, and for more games to try out. I finally got to the Super Mario Bros. series, discovering my love of 2D platformers along the way. There's a retro gaming museum in my area where you can play on old computers and systems so you bet I spent some time there playing the oldest of Mario games, which was a big step in me getting into this genre as a whole and this series in particular.

I also tend to gravitate towards brothers in media and well, Mario and Luigi are obviously brothers so I guess I got curious about their relationship and how it plays into the lore of the games. Which brought me to the Mario & Luigi RPGs, which I loved. I guess you could say I got Hooked On The Brothers™ But honestly, the carefree and fun atmosphere as well as the sort of wacky fairy tale setting were very appealing to me too.

I started slowly but surely collecting whatever Nintendo game consoles and games I could find and afford, and watching playthroughs of those I couldn't. I even played a couple fan games, such as (Mario) The Music Box - despite it being so very different from the source material LOL

And of course, the 2023 movie got me to appreciate the franchise even more and be more active in the fandom, reading more fanfics etc. Which eventually brought me here. I started reading Luigi's Escape Plan by jelly-fish-wishes and some other comics on Tumblr and the site tried to force me to register so often that I eventually gave in, annoyed. I definitely don't regret that decision though!

And look at me now, creating my own content - well, only fanart really - for this lovely fandom. And interacting more and more with other fans.

Now for the Turtles. I've been a fan since I was like 11 and first started watching the 2003 series (only the first 3 seasons were available in my country at the time, but a few years later I found the rest on YouTube). I've watched all versions other than the 1987 series and Michael Bay movies, and read some of the comics (I really love the original Mirage comics!), yet that first series still remains my favorite. My favorite animated show of all time even. You could chalk it up to nostalgia, but it's definitely more than that as nostalgia is rarely a big factor for me when it comes to genuinely enjoying things. I just really like this version of all of the major characters the most, as well as the humor, the dialogue and the action scenes (those fight choreographies were amazing tbh), and the plot overall. As well as the art style in the first 5 seasons. Sure, the show wasn't perfect due to the frequent animation mistakes and the painfully bad Japanese (the fake kanji were bad enough but the horrible pronunciation, man... the pronunciation...), but everything else more than makes up for it.

In case you're curious, overall I did enjoy the 2012 series too. Really, I enjoyed most of the Turtle media. Tbh I have a bit of a weird love-hate relationship with RotTMNT though.

And last but not least, thank you so much for your kind words! It's so interesting that some people here praise my style while it was something my old professor criticized as too generic in my digital art and animation when I was applying to college. And people like you saying I pay a lot of attention to detail when my art teachers and professors criticized me for going too abstract in my paintings and not precise enough in my drawings. It's been healing some of these old art related insecurities stashed away somewhere in my brain, ngl.

I totally get your struggle with perfectionism. It's my old frenemy that to this day rears its ugly head more often than I care to admit, especially when it comes to art. It's important to relax and do your thing anyway. I'm sure you'll make some sick animations and I'll be here cheering you on along the way. You got this, girl!

And I appreciate what you said about me at the end. If there's anyone in this world who makes me feel loved and like I'm actually worth something, it's you and other amazing people in this community. Thank you so much :))

[stitcherofchaos]

A Defense of Maglor

Maglor is my favorite character in the Silmarillion. I know there are people out there who loathe him and there are people out there who love him. I know he murdered, that is a fact. There is also the undeniable fact that he chose to take the oath and burn the ships. There is the fact that he was deathly loyal towards his family.

But I have to say this...

Whoever says that he turned around and became self righteous or delusional, clearly didn't read The Silmarillion as how it ought to be read. These are pretty darn bold words but the reason I like Maglor's character is because of two things.

1: He is fictional. I think if you use his name alone, you can misconstrued him subconsciously into a real life person (but I am going to use his name because saying ‘Maglor’s character over and over drives me nuts) the point is, this essay is about CHARACTER not a real person.

2. He raised Elrond into the elf we see/read in The Lord of The Rings. I'm pretty sure if Elrond was abused in any way by him, he would not be the same great elf lord. Not to mention Elros was a mighty and gentle king, as if I don't know who THAT'S reflecting.

3. He was the only son of Feanor to throw away a silmaril, and regret sorrowfully (now tell me if he is so 'self righteous' or 'delusional', why is he so sorrowful and regretful canonically?)

I had to say these things because Maglor hate makes me physically nauseous (and for pete's sake, I'm exaggerating). Now, you may think I am a hypocrite for taking one's perspective alone on a character so seriously. But I am a self made writer myself; I am not trying to force my opinion on anyone. But when someone misunderstands a character from how they themselves view them instead of seeing the character the the author intended to write, that bugs me greatly.

And yeah yeah, there are people out there who just don’t care and writer whatever that heck they want due to their fanon ideas….

Why don’t you go and write about your own character from those ideas and create your own story instead of leeching off from a famous author?

I like Maglor because the way Tolkien rewrote several drafts of the silmarillion to create characters into the way he saw them.

Maglor is not perfect, he is morally ambiguous at best and evil at worst, but who was the one who saw the Star of Earendil and had hope? The fact that he's not a perfect character or the 'good' or 'nice' son of Feanor is the reason I like him so much. Tolkien did say he inherited his mother’s more gentle temperament. Again, an ignored fact in canon.

At least I am not one of the greater hypocrites who gives his good traits to Maedhros and Maedhros's bad traits to Maglor. Is it because Maedhros is hot? You can be honest with yourselves. Everyone wants to find excuses for the handsome ones.

I don't find excuses for Maglor. Whether anyone in this site wants to admit it or not, finding excuses for a morally ambiguous character is a toxic trait. It is not a healthy way to go through life.

That being said…

Who has ever thought of the idea that Maglor's soul was ripped apart when he realized he was the enemy all along?

Tolkien was a Catholic first and foremost. I believe that when he wrote that Maglor could not withstand the pain of the silmaril, he meant the great spiritual pain of his soul being torn apart by the guilt and regret.

((I also have a headcanon that his body became a husk afterward and did eventually fade, it was like in a catatonic state where he could only walk and sing. Also, that you can hear his voice along the cliff sides or caverns of the beaches, he was known as the mighty singer, it's not because he's still around, but because of the eternal echoes that still haunt the beaches.) I like solid explanations before anything too abstract.)

Also, another thing. Who the heck thinks they themselves are self righteous enough to decide whether to forgive the feanorians or not? They are FICTIONAL. And besides, that's the Teleri's job. If someone asked me whether or not I would look Maglor in the eyes and forgive him. I would tell that person that I had no right because it was not my business. Some people hate Maglor/the feanorians so much to the point where you would wonder if they actually believe that they were personally effect by the feanorians. If you’re one of those people, please either get some therapy or touch some grass (I’m trying to be as gentle as possible so forgive me if I offended you).

The reason I like Maglor, it's actually a pretty deep and personal reason. But, who cares, it's not like he's real or that anyone else on this site cares about self preservation or privacy.

I read the Silmarillion during a darkplace in my life. So when I read about a character who was loyal, merciful, imperfect, ruthless, and regretful... I admired him. Someone who gave up his morals to protect and serve his family, that is admirable. Though his loyalty should have been with his morals, it was still fierce and bright like any son of feanor, or any more so than any of his brothers.

I like him, because he taught me what you should do in times of hardship and crisis and what you should not do, which is basically what I was going through during that time, and even now. That is, despite circumstances, remain hardy and stick to your morals because doing so will give you a prosperous ‘harvest’. Stay close to your family with loyalty and charity, but be wary of the family members who use or manipulate you, get out of that kind of situation. Like imagine you have a ‘Fëanor’ parent. Would you rather live with him or your ‘Nerdanel’ parent? Make a better choice than the choose of those seven brothers. They chose wrong and it lead to their deaths.

Tolkien wrote stories to create, and to teach. I don't see why I should ignore these values instead of appreciating and learning from them. It's the reason why I prefer to look at Maglor's character and learn from him rather than hate or search for reasons to hate him.

[deathlygristly]

Something I've been noticing lately on here that might explain a bit of the old hate I got back in the day:

Internet people really really get into their feelings about reading, in both directions. Like I saw a post going around with a link to an essay about literacy by a black woman who grew up in Sierra Leone and who has ADHD and autism and dyslexia, and one of the comments was something about being pro-reading being racist and ableist. It was very clear that they did not click the link and read the essay.

I also saw another post with something about how reading above level as a kid didn't result in the kind of life the poster thought it would. Implying that the person making the post saw reading as something connected to status and economic success.

I'm like yeah, I read every book the local library had on the Holocaust when I was 9, but I don't think I ever connected that to social status or my future? I was just really interested in the Holocaust and learning about it and trying to understand how humans work and how they could do that to other humans, and then I also just really liked the stories in classic novels and short story collections. Like maybe I don't have English class trauma because I always read stuff I wanted to read because it was interesting, without ever thinking about the perception of others or social standing. So I'm just chilling and then people project their weird status obsession on to my reading habits and yell at a shadow in their brain about it but the yelling hits me.

Also earlier (not on here, on a much more "normie" site) I saw someone saying that they had tried to be nice and kind so they didn't understand why bad things had happened to them. I don't know if I've ever connected my actions to things that were not caused by my actions? For as long as I can remember it's been obvious to me that the universe is random and that things happen and that the web of cause and effect is vast and mostly unknowable by humans. I never really think about it but if I am forced to articulate it, it seems to me that humans just do what they can with what they have and what they know and then things happen and then they do what they can with what they have and what they know in the new situation.

Yeah, some things on an extremely short time line can be clearly traced back to your actions, but I don't know where the causal connection would be between my actions from birth to my seventh birthday and my father's heart attack a month after I turned seven. How could my actions as an infant and a small child affect the blood flow to my father's heart? I do not understand how if I acted out and hit another small child because I didn't know how else to deal with my small child emotions, or if I saw another child crying and I did not know how to comfort them so I left them alone, more plaque would build up in my father's arteries, and thus my lack of kindness and treating others well would cause bad things in my life by killing people close to me in ways I had no control over and could not affect at all.

Anyway....once again I am realizing that I grew up in a very different culture than most people I encounter online did and that they see things very differently than I do, and that sometimes that difference results in conflict but it's not my fault and it's not that I'm a bad person.

[cielhunternorwood]

Life Sucks, Imma Talk About It

Not sure how many people actually follow after me on whatever sites at this point, but I feel like I need to get something out of my system. Firstly, about the lack of overall content lately. Outside of the Average Player videos, which are minimal at best, I've been stuck without much creative energy due to a lot of stress factors related to work.

From around December until mid- to late-March, I had a lot more work to handle at my job due to a lot of incompetent upper management over-stressing the mid-management who were working double time while the store manager was on leave from a medical procedure.

While I was bouncing between two stores to help out at first, I had to cut down to the original store due to just how excessive a lot of the demands were and how much I was basically the only reliable back-up for getting stuff done. While the plus side was that it gave me a lot of extra hours (which allowed me to buy a new, beefy desktop PC), it left me mentally exhausted and unable to really focus on anything creative.

Once the store manager began popping back in at reduced hours, though, the hours I worked went back to being absolute shit. This is, of course, bad for a lot of reasons I won't detail. However, it also put me into a realization that I'm being singled out by the store manager for whatever reason. You know that feeling of how you're treated like shit so you quit instead of get fired? It's like that.

Well, all that came to a head when the manager of the other store, someone I knew very well from my last job and helped me get the job here in the first place, flat-out quit last week. While I'm happy he chose to leave, given how much hell they put him through, it does cut off an easy means of getting more hours by helping out at the other store.

Adding on that previous plans of moving to another state to be with someone were canned thanks to the heavy hours of working giving me little prep time, I've not been in a very pleasant position overall mentally.

Most of all, the laptop I have been using up until now has been such a piece of shit in doing anything marginally laborious, which is doubly infuriating with the fact that I was "forced" to use it for gaming due to the Windows 10-only thing for a bunch of games that would run just fine on my old desktop.

And last, but not least, is that the forced necessity of living with my mentally-unstable and deranged mother has gotten worse in that she retired in December, leaving me with basically no time to be alone and free in the house.

This has all culminated in a huge dogpile of stress that has made it difficult to focus on anything remotely creative for some time now. The fact that I spent over $2k on a new PC, while necessary for what I want to do in the future, is still pretty stressful due to an uncertain money situation.

My hope has been, though, that being able to have a devoted gaming PC again will let me revert laptop usage to its original intent: creative shit. So far, it's kind of worked out, though I've basically had to give myself time to mentally relax beyond just playing video games.

The reason I decided to bring all this up now is that, well, a huge storm rolled through and knocked out power for long enough that I had to slow myself down and not expect to do anything for well over a day. The morning after it happened, I ended up setting a chair on the back porch and began reading.

That moment of quiet peace and reading turned into a much larger slowdown than I thought, and it kind of gave me time to think about what the hell's been going on in my life, while I've been rushing about trying so hard to get things done.

So, hopefully I can get my shit together soon, now that I've kicked myself out of the big rush I forced myself into the past few months. I wouldn't expect much in the writing department, since I have a lot of background stuff to work out, but I also want to find a decent hosting site for this stuff. I left Inkitt before they went AI-crazy, and I'm not sure about posting anything on Wattpad in the event I want to publish.

Expect some more shitposting in the meantime, to get some creativity flowing. I do really miss photoshopping silly things together, even if only a few people seem to enjoy them.

[tremendouskoalachild]

What we know about Leslye Headland's perspective on the prequels

We've heard a lot about the showrunner of The Acolyte and her opinions on the prequel films, especially recently after star wars celebration 2023. I'd like to summarize what we've learned so far.

It seems every artist new to the franchise gets asked the same question in interviews about their first star wars project: their personal relationship to the IP. Leslye Headland consistently responds that she's been a fan since childhood (the 80s), loved to read expanded universe books, and enjoys star wars RPGs. She goes into her history with the fandom around 25 minutes into this youtube interview, explaining among other things that she got back into the fandom around the time of the disney buyout (early 2010s).

She shares a similar sentiment in an interview (archived link) with The A. V. Club in June 2021:

"I enjoyed the prequels but didn’t feel the same kind of kinship to them as I did the original trilogy. I was older. I was moving into college and getting into theater. I was moving in this different direction. But with the advent of YouTube videos and their discourse around Star Wars, I started to get back into it, whether it was critiques of the prequels or recaps of things, or just kind of this digestible fandom that I didn’t realize existed."

So, Leslye was an OT baby, grew up by the time the PT came out and wasn't all that into it, and got sucked back into star wars by interacting with the community on youtube and other sites, around the time the fandom was revitalized post-disney purchase.

She elaborates further on her reaction to episode I in another interview from June 2021, for TheWrap:

“What I can say is the reason it did appeal to me personally is that I was 18 when ‘Phantom Menace’ came out and I was a very, very big ‘Star Wars’ fan. I remain a big ‘Star Wars’ fan, but at that particular time, right after the re-releases and the fact that I was in high school, it just kind of all coincided at a time where I was discovering who I was sexually, I was discovering who I was artistically, I was kind of realizing what I wanted to do with my life. And then this big, huge movie event, cultural event happened that was ‘The Phantom Menace.'”

“And I know there were varying reactions to it. And certainly there were a lot of people that had grown up with the original trilogy who were disappointed by it. But I actually was very intrigued by why George Lucas had started us at that particular point. I kind of wondered, but what happened to lead up to this? That’s kind of where my ‘Star Wars’ fan brain went was like, ‘How did we get here?’ And why are the Jedi like this? When they are in power, why are they acting this way and how is it that they’re not having the reaction that you would think they would to Anakin’s presence and what Qui-Gon Jinn is saying about how passionately he feels about training him and bringing him into the fold. It’s like, even the discovery of Darth Maul is kind of met with this like, ‘Hm, interesting’ kind of feeling. So I just think for me, my brain has always buzzed around that area and wondered what’s going on here — or what has been going on here.”

In her interview (archived link) with Vanity Fair from 24 May 2022 she introduces her approach to Jedi and the Force in The Acolyte:

“In the prequels, Mace Windu says: ‘There's no way that the Sith could have reemerged without us knowing about it.’ And Yoda says, ‘Hard to see the dark side is,’” Headland points out. “He acknowledges that this is a part of the Force that has been dormant, or at least hidden from them, for so long. What I immediately wondered about this particular period was: who is practicing it?”

Vanity Fair: How do you explain the High Republic to a Star Wars fan who may not yet be familiar with the stories the books have been telling?

The way I would explain the High Republic, and specifically where my show takes place, is that I'm about 100 years before The Phantom Menace. So, a lot of those characters haven't even been born yet. My question in watching The Phantom Menace was always like, "Well, how did things get to this point?" Do you know what I mean? How did we get to where a Sith lord can infiltrate the Senate and none of the Jedi pick up on it? What went wrong? What are the scenarios that led us to this moment? So that's what I would say. That's how I would describe it to my friends, especially my non-Star Wars friends.

One hundred years in our own world is a huge leap. There are unthinkable changes in the span of century. Is that true of the Star Wars world, too? Obviously there are starships, there are lightsabers, but is it a different era technologically in the High Republic?

Absolutely. I mean, I love the fact that George Lucas, when he originally made Episodes 4 through 6 [a.k.a. the original trilogy], you can see that he wants everything to feel like it has this particular type of decay. This is a lived-in sci-fi fantasy world, not a sleek, well-put-together aesthetic. He was really going for something that I think was a bit revolutionary at the time.

When he tasked himself with making the prequels, the way that he decided to address technology and all of those types of things was to make it a much sleeker, better-looking, almost more advanced time. That's what's kind of weird about Star Wars. The further you go back, the better things are. “A long time ago” actually becomes more futuristic. So while we are creating this type of world, we're trying to carry George's concept that the further you go back, the more exciting and new and sleek and interesting things look.

The way you're describing it reminds me of the Roman era, a time where that empire was very powerful and fairly technologically advanced. Then that region of the world falls into a period of barbarism, and the Dark Ages follow. Is that similar to what you're talking about here? Is the High Republic an era of education and advancement and glory, while the Star Wars movies and shows that we know best are from a time of collapse and decay?

Yes. We actually use the term the Renaissance, or the Age Of Enlightenment. There doesn't necessarily need to be an uprising among people in the expanded regions or in the inner worlds, because everybody's doing so well. For what I'm exploring, another good analogy might be post World War I in the United States, where we very much got into this isolationist concept of: we're not helping anybody. We want to protect this particular vibe that we have going. [Laughs.] ‘Vibe’ is definitely not the word they use.

So the leaders of this galactic era would rather ignore conflict or suffering than resolve it?

The High Republic is so golden in so many ways. The Jedi uniforms are gold and white and it's almost like they would never get dirty. They would never be out and about. The idea is that they could have these types of uniforms because that's how little they're getting into skirmishes. So of course my question is like, ‘Well, what else is going on?’ You can't just end up with George’s Phantom Menace situation if everything is going well.

It has to be going well at the expense of what? What is not being attended to? What are we turning a blind eye to that could lead to the rise of somebody like Palpatine about a century later? Yes, it's one bad guy, but it's one bad guy that completely undermines the entire system of government. A lot of other things must have been going on beneath the surface.

And we know the Jedi completely miss this.

[They’re] constantly talking about balance. If the light side is proliferating everywhere, what's going on with the dark side? How is it manifesting itself? What is it doing to survive? Because it very clearly does later on in the world.

From a more recent IGN article (published 7 April 2023, first day of star wars celebration):

Speaking to IGN at Star Wars Celebration, Headland explained that she started brainstorming The Acolyte by challenging the status quo.

"You just go, 'Well, where's the part that nobody's going, what about that?' And so to me, the institution of the Jedi was that," Headland said. "So they trained children and that seems super complicated of a thing. It's not criticism. It's just like, 'well, that seemed strange.'

"And then it's like, 'Well, we're in this era of peace and nothing's wrong because we are in charge,' which is also a strange thing to say. And again, they might be correct, but I would assume that in the very, very vast galaxy, people would go, 'I don't agree with that'."

Challenging things that are just accepted in the Star Wars universe, and even things that fans have criticised looking in from the outside, was therefore her approach to The Acolyte.

"Why would this happen this way? Why did Qui-Gon make the decision that he made? How [did] Darth Sidious become chancellor without Yoda, one of the most powerful Jedi who ever lived, knowing about it? I think that those are questions that were just all still hanging out there. So that's where I think you start.

"I think plenty of people are taking swings at the Skywalker Saga and the time periods between George's original trilogy and the Disney trilogy and beyond. Plenty of people are taking cracks at that. So to me, I was like, 'Well, I'd like to try to take a crack at just asking some of the questions that maybe other people wouldn't necessarily think to ask or people have asked, but maybe not on a level where they were lucky enough to get the opportunity to make it actually happen like myself'."

Headland said during the panel, and further with IGN, that she’s taking inspiration from various Star Wars media as well. Speaking specifically, she said she was “very, very struck” by The Clone Wars episode The Wrong Jedi, where Ashoka is put on trial by the Jedi Council for crimes she did not commit, and Anakin must find a way to prove her innocence.

And finally, we have the interview with Collider, published 14 April 2023 (but probably recorded on 7 April 2023 as well):

“What I'm really interested in is Star Wars for the perspective of the bad guys. Therefore, if we set something earlier in the timeline, something before the prequels but a little bit after the end of the high Republic - because Star Wars is always about Rebels versus institutional threat, underdogs versus huge Empire, so if we set it then then the Jedi become the antagonists. Not the bad guys, but they become the bad guys to the bad guys. And I gotta say, Kathy really responded to that. She really felt like that was a pocket of the universe that we had not seen, that nobody else had pitched her.“

"I think it’s difficult to do a show that is critical in any way of the Jedi. And I think that you saw that with [Rian Johnson’s] film. Do you know what I mean? Like, I think that, especially in that moment, people were very nervous about saying this particular institution may not be the light and perfect, stunning group of heroes that are totally nobly intentioned. And one thing that I think Dave would say is that they are fallible. That's really the story that George told with the prequels, right? The fall of this particular group."

“So I went, well, then what happened right before that? He sort of starts in medias res in Phantom, so I went, well, if you went back further, where are the cracks in the system… how can evil start to rise in the way that it does, to the point where literally one of the strongest Sith that ever lived can infiltrate the Senate and none of the Jedi know about it? So I think once you can kind of get people into that place then they're more supportive.”

"But I think when you think you're going to tell the story about bad guys, and the Jedi’s might be the antagonist to those Jedi’s, I think that makes people nervous. But it didn't make Kathy nervous. And I will say that in that room, when I pitched her, it was probably one of the most exciting things because it felt like a conversation, and less like I was up for a job. It felt much more like, 'Okay, but what are you going to do about this? And what are you going to do about that?' And so I was able to fold in what I know about Star Wars, and what I love about Star Wars, into what she's always pushing for, which is, 'What's the emotional throughline?'"

[lordnot]

OK,I think I understand what's going on now: you've been convinced that we are in a Forced Binary Choice scenario. It's relatively common nowadays, so don't feel bad! I just didn't realize that it ran this deep.

Let me try to help you out here. See, despite what you have been told: the only action that is a vote for Donald Trump is actually voting for Donald Trump. Clicking or checking off the Donald Trump/J.D. Vance Ticket, either at a polling site or through mail-in voting. You can tell that this is the case, because the Trump campaign isn't encouraging people to sit at home on Election Day, or vote Third Party, or sit on social media arguing about "The Revolution". That would be foolish, because they know that none of those actions help get Trump elected.

In contrast, if you wanted to vote for another four years of starvation wages for nursing home aides, daycare workers, and college professors along with unaffordable nursing homes, day cares, and colleges, you actually have a number of effective options for this upcoming election. As you pointed out, one is voting Republican. Another is voting Democrat.

Because you're right: a number of studies show "the economy" does better under Democrats. It's just that when economists measure "the economy", they put very little weight into concerns like income and affordability. Instead they look at productivity, how much is being produced at a time. And if you can pay people less to do the same work and then charge them more, as the tweets above describe, then productivity is increased and profit is up! What a great "economy"!

So no: whether "the economy" did better under Bidenomics or MAGA isn't all that relevant to the original topic. Now I'm usually in no position to lecture anyone on reading theory. But if you read the tweets above and the terms "Bourgeoisie" and "Proletariat" don't flash in your mind, then the problem may be that you simply don't have the tools to conceptualize a solution to the problem described.

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, AUGUST 31, 2020 Another day of good energy. I’ve been on a roll with not being tired for over 2 weeks now for the first time in months. I’m not sure why I have spells where I’m exhausted and then I do well. I just know I like having energy.

Enough to go bike riding. It was still a bit warm at 90° just like when we went out walking yesterday around the same time, but fun. Everything was perfect in that no one was parked too close to the speed bumps when we were coming downhill and there were no dog walkers in our way.

His HR made it up to 103 and mine hit 131. I realize that my high HR is “tricking” Fitbit (and my thyroid). As fun as it is to use in general, it’s going to tell me I can have more calories than I really can to lose weight. I’m still pretty confident that it would take 1000 calories or less every day for almost a year to lose weight and I’m just not up for that. I wish I was, and I hate to say it, but I don’t know that I would be up for that even if I was 100 pounds overweight. I don’t need the standard 2000 calories to feel comfortable and function well, but I do need around 1400 on most days. Yesterday I indulged and had 1775. I don’t usually go over 1500-1600 but I do splurge once a week or so. I’m up 2 pounds because of it but I’ll push it back off soon enough. I always do. Carbs really do matter as much as calories, so I’m learning, and yesterday I definitely had too much sugar and carbs.

When pulling out some hay to give to the guinea pigs, I ended up getting a sliver at the base of one of my fingers. Fortunately, Tom was able to get it out using a magnifier and good tweezers.

It just hit me that I haven’t been hearing the freeway as much lately. It started to become audible and then faded back out. What sucks is that tomorrow morning is September 1st and that means the plane frenzy begins. I’ll be asleep when it starts, though, which will be shortly before or after 6. But at least we’re one month closer to getting out of here!

I wish I knew why I had so many negative dreams. It’s usually the same damn things over and over again. They usually deal with me being in some kind of captivity where I’m trapped somewhere or losing everything.

In one dream, we had to abandon everything, and I mean literally everything. Our house, our car, our devices, medications, everything. We walked off with just the clothes on our back and even left the car running.

Around this time yet in a separate dream, I saw my old Endo. Even though I tried to keep a straight face, she sensed that something was off. She asked if everything was okay and I had to force a smile and say that everything was fine.

I accidentally stumbled upon something in my 2011 journal that further suggests my New York reader is Marie. I don’t remember the circumstances. I was looking for something else and didn’t read too much about it but it had to do with her contacting me to tell me that even though I told her I didn’t want anything to do with her, she’d been reading my journal from a distance and wanted to let me know she had nothing to do with someone that was messing with me at the time which I wrote about in one particular entry. So I guess that, unlike most people, she doesn’t ignore you if you cut her out of your life. She’s just quiet about it. It would explain the lack of comments, but would she really be that active on the site? There’s no way to get email notifications when you bookmark someone. She’s got to be logged in to get her bookmarks and she’s got to spend quite a bit of time on the site too, because there have been several times I’ve posted something and she’s shown up on my visitors’ list just minutes later.

Even she showed up in my dreams, but I don’t remember what the dream was about. It’s probably because she was on my mind as I was falling asleep. I both miss her, and I don’t. I miss how understanding and open-minded she always was. Her goofy side, her sense of humor, her empathy. But then she was the one that dumped and blocked me when her accusatory and paranoid side came out and I told her I had no idea what she was talking about or trying to say.

It wasn’t the first time this strange “other” side, whatever the hell it was, emerged. I don’t know if she has an illness she was born with or if the abuse she went through made her the way she is but I’m definitely not so sure that all the psych pills she was diving into were helping. If anything, I suspect that may have been making her worse. Regardless, I do miss her. It would be hard to slam the door in her face if she magically showed up. Instead, even though it probably wouldn’t be the smartest thing to do, I would probably run into her arms. Remember, I did love her, and I guess a part of me always will. Maybe I’ll hear from her someday. She’s probably gone through a million Facebook accounts by now, so I’m sure the one we blocked each other on is long gone. Maybe it would be okay to communicate while she was “normal,” so to speak, and then pull back and take a break when that other side came out. I know she’s bipolar and those are extremely hard to deal with. The intense and frequent mood swings are like OMG! And the way they can get paranoid and accusatory can be downright scary. I’ll never forget the way Lisa showed me a side of her that I never knew existed until 2009. But she still meant a lot to me and she always will.

Finally heard from Dixie. Her computer has been broken which was what I suspected.

LOL, not surprisingly, Aly has already received half a dozen letters from Kim, mostly about June, of course. They started off as penpals before they began texting around 2008.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 30, 2020 We went for a walk earlier and I opted to take a shortcut back because it was still so warm at close to 90°.

Tom needed flip-flops and found that even though they were $0.99 in person at Walmart, online they were $20, so he got a $10 pair on Amazon. While he was at it, I got another set of nail stickers to try.

Had a dream that I had to do 30 days in jail for who-knows-what. I know I dreamed about the guards and other inmates but can’t remember anything other than Tom visiting and me telling him that I was going to write him a letter but then I got busy doing something.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 29, 2020 I’m so fucking pissed! My new nail strips look absolutely nothing like they do on the sheets once they’re on my nails because they’re transparent. Now that I see this, I do remember someone complained about that in the reviews. I could still use them to cover boring ones, I suppose.

Also got some “retractions” to make. Aly was talking about a group text, not Facebook. I beat the recyclers but the trashers actually came before I got up, though I managed to sleep through them somehow. Also, my root canal didn’t last just 40 minutes, even though it seemed that way, thanks to Halcion. Tom said I was in for over an hour and a half.

I kind of let Pelosi have it on Twitter for trying to sabotage the election. At least it really seems like she doesn’t want Biden to win. I don’t know if she has a personal vendetta against him or what but if she keeps fighting the Republicans on the stimulus thing and doesn’t come to some agreement like now, the Dems are going to lose the election. For someone who’s said to be highly intelligent, she’s acting dumb as fuck. The people are going to remember that the Republicans tried to get us money while the Dems did nothing but argue and block them and that’s going to cause Trump to get reelected.

Fortunately, who gets elected doesn’t really affect us directly that much other than maybe with health insurance since there’s no way Trump would lower the age of Medicare. I just wish the rich could understand that no, not everyone can pay all their medical bills out of pocket just because they can.

It’s all I can do to keep from running across the street and blasting the shit out of that fucking cock. I got up around 1 and figured it would be too hot and too late in the day for the sawing since the bastard seems to prefer mornings, but I got a few seconds of it when I was in the kitchen. It sounds exactly like Tom’s saw when he’s using it right outside the door, that’s how fucking loud it is. If the cock across the street used that thing right outside the door, it would be ferociously loud in here. It’s still frequent and loud enough. I heard the fucking thing a couple more times when I was outside checking out the new fence and this was at an angle that our place was between us and the saw. The sound wraps around the place, but the other side where the kitchen and master bedroom and bathroom windows are gets hit worse.

The new fence looks great. A little more see-through and a little higher but better than the old rotted wooden fence. Being higher will make it easier to blow leaves under it and the lattice design will make it less susceptible to wind damage.

I’m just so sick of listening to people and for the millionth time I’m asking myself, where oh where can I go to escape people’s shit? Really, where can we go to get away from it? And vehicles so loud I can feel the vibration of them rumbling under my feet.

Tom is really frustrating because the more I complain, the more he doesn’t like it, and he never wants to do shit about anything. All he cares about is how others may react and not how I feel. I’m surprised he even bothered to fight for his Unemployment, that’s how paranoid he is when it comes to complaining. Yet he absolutely does not want to complain about any neighbor under any circumstance. I keep wishing someone else would take the honors for me, but I know they won’t. Maybe they have the same fears he has or maybe they just don’t mind the noise even though I would think it would annoy just about anyone. It’s usually only a few-second bursts, but it’s still too loud and too frequent.

I was pissed when it finally hit me after all this time that when Kim asked Aly to shut down some of her Facebook accounts because she didn’t want her sister to find them, she could have read our conversation. I don’t think I said anything that would have offended Aly, but still…the messages were meant for Kim and not her. Oh, the problems that can come with friend mixing.

Maybe she didn’t see them, though. I went back and checked our Skype messages from the end of July (this is why I never delete messages) and she talks about being asked to delete three accounts and says she couldn’t get into two of them. She says the one that she could access was under a variation of her last name. I asked Aly about it today, saying I couldn’t access some of our old messages and she said that as far as she knew, the account Kim and I were connected on was deactivated. It’s just that I can always count on what Aly tells me.

Maybe she isn’t as into hacking or spying on me as I thought she was, though. I have two Twitter accounts. The one we’re connected on where I use my real first name and then a private one in the name of Aubrey. Well, if she uses paid search sites regularly, I would think the private account would come up. I have a real email address tied to it.

She talks about being quietly observant and that people underestimate her and don’t realize the things she hears and knows. I still wonder if she’s a silent observer of my private journals but the only place I can think of that she could hack without getting caught or me knowing about it might be PB.

Sometimes I feel like she’s holding out on me and not so much pushing me away but keeping me at a distance. I wonder if she considers Molly a better friend but if she does, she does. I know that while she has numerous great qualities, she is not only prone to lying but also drawn to the mentally and emotionally ill.

I’m so excited! I took a break from writing this post and during my break, I finally found a way to do voice tweets. Well, they’re technically video tweets but I just keep the phone face down on the table so all you see is blackness. Either that or aimed at my desktop with its lovely nature and animal wallpaper pictures. I don’t want to show anything. I just want to talk and have the option to do tweets with my voice as well as in print.

So, I set up a third Twitter account in the name of Krista. I’m keeping it from Aly, though. I used to hate it when she would block me from her “secret” account so she could have privacy from those she knows yet still be public but now I kind of get that. Sometimes I just want a brand new unbiased audience, so to speak.

Only “Aubrey” is private and that’s kept as hidden as possible so I can still view any accounts of Aly’s that she blocks the account with my real name to which we’re connected.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 28, 2020 Whenever I post a story on Facebook, I always get views from someone not connected to me. Kim is out of commission and Aly said she doesn’t check my profile, so curious little me wonders who it could be. Doubt it’s Christiane.

My new nail strips are absolutely gorgeous even if I’ll have to trim some to fit. They even gave me an extra set! Going to wait a while before I do my nails again, though, since I just did them a couple of days ago.

The Northern Lights colorful glitter topcoat that seemed to be lost in the mail and that I got a refund on, arrived yesterday after all. It’s good for any nail strips that need a little extra shine or reinforcement.

We also got some new mouthguards and this time I did a much better job of molding them to my teeth. My first try was kind of a bust because it was too loose and would often lift up. I was worried that even if it was unlikely, I might choke on it in my sleep. I probably just didn’t heat it up enough but hey, it was my first one. With this one, I have a much more snugger fit.

Because Tom’s HR is naturally low, he can’t get in the cardio zone easily, LOL, where I practically live in the fat-burning zone. That’s just Mr. Bradycardia versus Miss Tachycardia for you.

We went to Rite Aid yesterday and as we were close to the parking lot but unable to see it yet, I told Tom I suddenly had a feeling it was going to be more crowded than usual and it was.

I wonder if something’s wrong with Dixie’s computer again because she hasn’t answered the email I sent a couple of days ago. it’s strange that she hasn’t even called either, though I’m not too worried since Tom recently saw her.

Slept forever last night with a sleep score of 86. At least I got up before the garbage and recycle trucks got a chance to wake me up.

Not that I doubt my buddy that says she was offended by anti-black memes on Facebook but where the hell are all these racists she’s encountering? I swear it’s been just the opposite for me. Sure, I’ve known some that hated blacks, but it’s been such a tiny percent compared to those that hate Jews and gays. I’ve never seen an anti-black comment or meme on Facebook other than a few complaints about them being able to get away with more than whites can these days, and I can guarantee you that if any of my Facebook friends or anyone on PB went anti-black, others would crucify them for it. The vast majority of the places I’ve been both on and offline seem to be very accepting and supportive of everyone except for some Jews, some Muslims, and many gays and lesbians. Just look at all the non-black supporters at the protests, both violent and not.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 27, 2020 It’s fun being the noisy ones around here for once. Yes, Tom is doing the loudest thing he’s done so far in prepping for curb appeal and that’s to drill holes in the concrete with a special drill bit for installing the posts that are going to hold the new lattice fence. Unfortunately, though, I doubt our little saw fanatic can hear much of it if any at all because he’s working on the other side of the house.

I saw Virginia yesterday. She called out something to the guy delivering our groceries from Walmart (got an excellent selection of pork chops, ribs, chicken, fish, avocados, grapes, and blueberries to enjoy and am definitely stocked up for a while). Anyway, she didn’t appear to be using a walker or a cane or anything to assist her, so that’s good. A few minutes later Nancy pulled up.

They stopped working on the house. The new one that was hauled in. That’s a long time to set up a new house! I wonder if there’s a problem with inspections.

I don’t know if the cock across the street was sawing yesterday or as of yet today. I cranked up the sound machines throughout the house (ridiculous thing to have to do anywhere to get any peace but especially here) but I did hear the usual buzz of landscaping equipment of course. That’s going to get worse right along with the planes when the leaves start coming down. Believe it or not, a few trees are already dropping leaves. Seems a bit early for that, though.

I just hate feeling pressured into having to sit back and take people’s annoying shit. I know Tom. He would always come up with a reason why we shouldn’t say anything. If it wasn’t because he’s making a racket and doesn’t want to seem hypocritical, it would be something else. Remember, before it was because he didn’t want prospective buyers questioning him about the place. There’s always something. Again, I understand his fears but what about me? Don’t I deserve not to have to listen to such loud shit so often? Why is it that others matter more, in a sense? Why is it more important that they be allowed to be annoying at my expense while I should have to sit back and take it because of what may happen if I speak up?

Received an email from my optometrist saying she was closing her business and didn’t have any plans to practice elsewhere. I’m guessing the virus has something to do with it but what is it with all these damn doctors moving around or leaving the area altogether? I hope this isn’t as common in Florida. It would be great to find doctors about 20 years younger than me who could take care of me for the rest of my life.

My next eye exam isn’t until October. He’s not going to bother anymore in this state. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. My eyes seem to change so fast and I’m already noticing that these glasses aren’t as helpful, but I have time to decide whether or not to get new ones here or just wait.

It seems the new system is that Rockefeller goes off and Blitz follows. LOL, I can’t figure out what these pigs want at times. It’s like where dogs often like to bark and babies often like to cry just for shits and giggles, they just like to scream.

I can’t stop staring at my nails. They look so cool. Dull color by itself (black to dark green gradient) but still looks good on me at the same time. Dark or neon looks best on my nails. My mother would puke if she could see them. I almost hope she can look down on me from the other side if there is one. Think of all the frustration she must be feeling not being able to critique, control and ridicule me, haha.

They were getting long so I cut them back. These are the stickers that are thicker and therefore harder to file the ends off of, so I just cut everything off. I don’t see how people tolerate really long nails. Yes, I voice type more than I type by hand, but I still do some things by hand. Can’t get these nails very short, though, with the long nail beds I have. The old-fashioned keyboards were easier to type on because my nails would just slip down between the keys. Not with an Apple keyboard, though.

I began logging my food on Fitbit after all because it’s interesting to see how much I burn versus how much I take in. I’ve gone from 157.8 to 155.2, so one more pound and it will stop. Probably even reset itself too. I know my body. I could diet and exercise until I was blue in the face, but no more than a few pounds would come off. But at least I can still get those few pounds off when I want to.

So Aly thinks she’s going to move back in with Cam and that they’ll be together forever. I hope she’s right for her sake! I’m not sure what to think. The fact that she had to move out once isn’t usually a good sign. What’s to say it wouldn’t happen again since what usually happens once has a way of repeating itself as the drama queen taught me?

Had a series of weird dreams and got a sleep score of 87 last time around. I discovered Molly blocked me on Twitter and this told me that I was still on her mind at times and she was likely looking in on me.

Then I had a dream where it was late at night, yet the sun was shining as if I might have been in Alaska. I was taking care of the animals when I realized one of them had a defective water bottle. Then I went outside and started walking down the street in just a bra and panties heading to wherever. Then I decided to go back and replace the bottle because I knew that if I put it off, I would forget to do it later. So I turned around and started running down the street when I realized the sun was really hot and I felt like I was burning. I was on a deserted road that didn’t seem to have anything but fields on one side of it with a few scattered side streets.

A car was coming toward me and it scared me because there was no one else around and I was at their mercy if they turned out to be trouble. I thought of how my life was going well, how I’d like to live longer, and how it would be a shame to die then. I felt like I was running in slow motion even though I was going as fast as I could. But I just couldn’t run fast enough, so I began pawing at the ground as if trying to run on all fours in hopes of it helping me move faster so I could get out of view before the car caught up to me. But the person turned off onto a side street before they could pass me. The sun seared my skin even more and I thought to myself, I’m frying! So now I was worried I wouldn’t get back home before I melted and passed out from the heat.

I can’t swear on this one, but I think I had a dream that I was visiting Chris and a friend of his was telling him that I had a decent body for an American woman, LOL.

The last dream was the shittiest. It started off with me constantly getting calls from numbers I didn’t recognize that would never leave messages.

Then Tom and I drove somewhere that I might have been required to go and at first we weren’t sure what the building was. But then either my phone lit up with the word “court” or I found a piece of paper with the word on it and knew right away that the termites or behind it.

Suddenly I realized I was naked and told him I wasn’t even dressed so we had to go back home. Once there, even though I figured he would want to do the “right” thing, so to speak, that was when I put my foot down and refused to go back to the courthouse or wherever we had just been. I hadn’t done anything wrong, didn’t trust the courts to believe me, and wasn’t going to let myself get railroaded all over again. I did it once 20 years ago and I wasn’t about to do it again.

Just saw the little saw cock drive out. He’s driving the navy 4x4 these days. Probably going to pick up more lumber to saw.

Tom’s own circular saw, which he just used, is comparable in volume inside this place to Dahl’s, so that goes to show how much louder Dahl’s is at 90’ away vs. right outside the door where Tom is.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26, 2020 Wow! Got my first sleep score of 90! Been more awake more often too. But once I get back onto nights…

Sheila, my new Holly, cleaned my teeth and did an amazingly wonderful job. I love how my teeth look and feel! It turns out that the stains I had along the bottom teeth weren’t so much from being late on my cleaning but because of the wine I drink. She said red wine is a major stainer. So I guess I’ll be switching to white wine, like Moscato, and only have Merlot once in a while. I ran and brushed my teeth as soon as I had my last one.

She scaled the teeth by hand, polished them, flossed them with this sandpaper-like thing, and then she used their supersonic scaler that was both cold and hot at the same time. She warned me it would be loud but it wasn’t. It made a squeaking sound that sort of reminded me of mice, but that was it. It was the cold and warmth I noticed most. The supersonic vibrations probably create heat that needs to be cooled.

She said everything else looked great and that I didn’t have much tartar buildup and was doing great with the home care. I didn’t even see the dentist. I saw her and Dana working on another patient but other than when I paid Vicky $90 with our credit card, I didn’t see anyone else and I won’t be returning until March.

Just checked my schedule predictor and it actually doesn’t look good for either my dental or ear appointment. :-( Might have to reschedule.

No fucking wonder the planes are so annoying here! For some reason, I thought the airport was between 40 and 50 miles away but then Tom laughed and said, “It’s not that far. We’ve driven to and from there before.”

He pulled up a map to show me and it’s actually 21 miles by car and 14 miles if you draw a straight line from the airport to here. So no wonder they’re obnoxious. Another week and they’ll be really bad again. So from now on, we’ll definitely make sure the airport is at least 50 miles away from wherever we live. It won’t matter if we’re in a flight path if they’re 20K feet above us as opposed to 2K.

I’m so confused as to where to go! There’s a part of me that thinks it would be pointless to bother with rural since the world is so noisy no matter where you go, and why add other sounds you won’t have in a retirement community? But then I don’t want mowers coming up to the window every week like they would in a Florida park and I would still like to get people and their shit far enough away from me that I only need to sleep with just a fan or an air cleaner or maybe Alexa playing some nature sound and that’s it. I don’t want to have to continue blasting white noise via an off-dialed radio station on my old stereo. I’m sorry but right or wrong, no one should have to live like that. Or with the sound of loud power tools nearly every fucking week.

But adult communities simply aren’t what they were 30 years ago and they’re never going to be again. In fact, by the time I’m old, I’m sure the car stereos will have caught up to these places right along with the power tools. If we can just get off the busy street and further from airports, big and small, it’s got to be quieter. As far as the circular saws that are everywhere these days, maybe we can get lucky enough to get a neighbor that uses that shit once a month instead of once a week. Yeah, maybe.

Meanwhile, while we still think we’ll probably start off in a Florida park and then look for land there, we’re going to keep all our options open. If we find the ideal piece of land in the ideal location in some other state, we might take it as long as it doesn’t get too cold or snow there. It would take a hell of a place to get me to go where it snows. It’s hard, though, trying to find a place in a decent climate that’s not too far from a hospital if God forbid we ever needed to go, and that’s at least 70% white.

As a backup for if Florida messes with my asthma, allergies or sleep, we’re looking at Northeastern Texas and the desert areas of California which is the only affordable area that isn’t so expensive in this state.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 25, 2020 The new mattress pad is nice, but I found it too thick to cut up into liners for the pigs so the old one will just get thrown out.

I feel pretty well-rested for one who woke up twice to pee, once with horrible shoulder pain after lying on it wrong, TMJ pain because my mouthguard was too big, and then a funny-ish nightmare about kissing Suki and my lips getting stuck to hers. I woke up just as I was beginning to panic but managed to pry a corner of my mouth from hers.

I re-boiled the mouthguard and resized it to my lower teeth. Still comes up easily, though, since it’s not molded exactly to my teeth and is a bit wide for me since I’m small. Ordered some kids’ mouthguards, though I’m sure I can use these for a while.

While he grabbed something to hopefully help his tendonitis, I also grabbed a $10 pack of a dozen nail strips all with colors I like. Wearing one a week, I’ve now got a year’s supply unless Aly wants some more. I suggested the cuticle oil that I’ve been using. In just a few days I swear I have new growth, based on the position of my nail stickers. I use it after my shower and again before bed.

Had a feeling come over me saying that our forever house is going to be a 2006 but that makes no sense being magnets for older stuff and only having so much money. I’m sure it will be the '70s or '80s. That’s still a step up from the '40s-'60s places we usually end up in.

Sometimes I don’t know who’s worse, our nation’s thugs (notice they’re never totally innocent) or the pigs that think their job is to play judge, jury, and executioner when in fact their job is simply to arrest suspects. It’s up to the courts to decide if they’re guilty or not. SMH, at least the ped isn’t going to be assaulting anyone else sexually in the future or beating up on his family.

I wish they wouldn’t put so much shit in the news. It only sparks riots and other problems, and well, is it really my business what goes on between a thug and a pig in Wisconsin? They should at least delay things for a year or so, not to mention the fact that some of us are sick of hearing about the same damn subjects day in and day out.

The other day I was thinking about how a part of me misses emotions. I mean real emotions. Not that I would want to be as emotional as I used to be but age, experience, maturity and EMDR have definitely dulled them for the most part. I’ve come to see, though, just how much my dying hormones affected my emotions which in many ways affected my creativity. I don’t want to be as angry as I used to be. I don’t want to have any reason to feel stressed and depressed to the degree that I used to. But sometimes I miss having fun crushes on whoever wherever for they often acted as great muses for stories.

And then one of my old muses was there in my dreams…Nane. I still wouldn’t want her back in my life but that doesn’t mean she can’t be in some of my stories. Like this funny one that was based on the idea for Far from Home where she let me stay in her apartment for the sake of Christiane who died after I’d been staying with her but does all kinds of things to mess with me while I always remain one step ahead of her, in a sense. So I’m working on a story idea but not the one I had for NaNo. It’s called My Little Slave.

The funny part of the dream was that Nane wouldn’t let me come and go from the apartment while she was working because she didn’t want me to have a key to the place, so she told me it was either in or out. Not wanting to walk around aimlessly in a foreign country that gets cold and snowy, I opted to stay in. Nane ordered me to stay at the kitchen table unless I had to use the bathroom while she was gone (I at least had my own laptop I could use), insisting there were cameras all over the apartment and would make me a casserole of whatever kind the night before which would serve as my food for the following day. LOL, so I’m going to add to and expand on that idea.

Later…

Last night, the very mean, ugly and butchy Mary D popped into my mind unbidden. The one who trashed my apartment and attacked me in the late '80s when coming to pick up a record I’d borrowed for prank calling her at the house she lived in with her twin sister and BIL.

Oh, I remember it quite clearly. She came in without a word and stepped into the living room where I handed her the album. Then she picked up one of mine and smashed it on the entertainment center I had at the time. At first I don’t think I said anything because I was stunned. Next thing I knew she was toppling over that, the organ I had, and then she was throwing punches at me. I began throwing them back as hard and as fast as I could but it didn’t do me any good at all. Then she ripped the phone out of the wall, knocked me down on my back, straddled me, and proceeded to beat me in the face with the phone all the while screaming, “Call me, Jodi! Call me!”

I tried to tell her I loved her to get her off of me but she only screamed, “No! You never loved me!”

Damn right I didn’t!

But why didn’t I call the cops on her? I guess because I was never one to run to the pigs with my problems with others and had lost faith in the system. Besides, I never knew where she lived. I didn’t know at the time that a name and a number would have been enough for the cops since it was their job to track her down, but I doubt they would have put much effort into it.

Fortunately, I only had some bumps and bruises but nothing that required me to go to the hospital. I vaguely remember her calling to gloat about the attack saying, “I thought you were tough” or something like that and that she had “no intention of beating the shit out of me.”

My guess is she fought me her hardest but if she didn’t, thank God for that much because she ended up being a lot stronger than I would have guessed. I should have recognized the signs too. They were there. But young naive little me didn’t catch on when she spoke about her and others wanting to beat up some girl one time and then speeding dangerously in the car another time when I said something that pissed her off. She admitted that one was immature of her when I told her it was.

Thank God even more that I was never attracted to her. I can just imagine the hell I would have gone through being in a relationship with her.

Although she later told me she felt bad for attacking me, and while I know it was wrong of me to prank her, she’s part of what made me a very defensive and angry person. Apology or not, I would absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE a rematch with her. I’m just about a hundred percent certain the outcome would be very different a second time around. Just a feeling.

But would anything up there send anyone after me it knew I could take? Of course not!

Anyway, I wasn’t the writer or the person I am now, so I know I didn’t mention it much way back when. It was November of 1988, I just found, and I only wrote one quick paragraph in regard to it.

Didn’t know much about her but I swear she said something about her and another girl being raped by some guy and that the other girl “didn’t make it.”

Maybe that was why she was so angry and violent.

Realizing that the world has gotten so damn noisy no matter what (yeah, the cock is sawing again), I think we may as well forget rural. What would be the point if we’re still going to hear shit? We may actually hear more than just saws and loud vehicles when you add in the kids, dogs and boom stereos. Unless we get a piece of land so big that we can’t afford it or it’s in a shitty climate, we can never get far enough away not to hear people. So we may as well stay in a park and head for the coast so we can at least visit the beaches. The Venice area on the Gulf side may be ideal. I’m just tired of running from what I can’t escape. Still want to get as far away from the street as possible, though. Listening to shit while I’m awake is one thing. Being woken up by it is another.

And if there’s one thing I hate about Tom is that he never wants me to complain to anyone about anything. I do understand his paranoia to a degree, really, I do. But what are we supposed to do? Take shit all our lives and never say anything?

I can’t complain to the park about anything because A, he would rather give in to their every demand as if we’re children even though they work for us and we’re the ones paying them, and B, because the fuckers will only counter complain.

MONDAY, AUGUST 24, 2020 It’s sad that despite the Jews going through the worst shit ever being slaughtered by the millions, most have ended up doing quite well while blacks chose poverty and the thug life.

I only partially agree with this. No one chooses poverty. We certainly didn’t choose it when the economy went to hell. I believe that sometimes people really do get caught up in circumstances beyond their control. However, I do agree that criminality is a choice. No one has to be a criminal whether they have money or not. Joining gangs, rioting, stealing, drugging, killing… that’s all a choice and that’s why it’s hard to feel sorry for some people.

Woke up with a bit of a sore throat. Hopefully, it doesn’t mean anything and will go away soon enough. Also woke up to a T-storm. It didn’t wake me up. I heard it after I got up and turned the sound machine off. It’s very mild. So much so that I can smell smoke, so I’m not going out walking this morning. It’s good to give my hip a break every now and then anyway.

It’s funny because yesterday and the day before, even though I took the same route, Fitbit thought I climbed 2 floors yesterday and 3 the day before. There are only two sections that are uphill, one of them being a bit steep.

To finish up with the 23andMe results, the only thing it told Tom he was at risk of getting was celiac disease. It told me I had a variant for hereditary hemochromatosis but that it was unlikely I had an increased risk. I did have a slightly increased risk of late-onset Alzheimer’s disease and hereditary thrombophilia. We both have a typical likelihood of type 2 diabetes.

I was surprised it didn’t pick up on my thyroid and other things, but I guess not everything has a genetic component. Plus, there can be other variants not detected or that they don’t test for with some diseases.

Most surprising was that I don’t have any carrier traits. One of the many reasons I decided not to have a kid was that while I knew it was unlikely to also have atresia, I was afraid it would have so many health problems because many run in my family. That’s what my parents led me to believe too, but then I was at that age where many parents were beginning to say just about anything to deter their daughters from not focusing on careers instead.

Tom and I are not related in any way. So no incest going on here, LOL. He has more Neanderthal variants than 74% of 23andMe customers and I have more than 28%.

They got most things right but not all of them. I’ve never had a bunion, for example, and I don’t get motion sickness. But I definitely prefer sweet to salty, chocolate to vanilla, my big toe really is longer, I don’t have a unibrow, I don’t have flat feet, I wouldn’t fear public speaking, and I don’t have dandruff.

It’s so cool how I can now use Google Maps to measure distance. I always thought that the wall of the dumpy old tilted house we rented in Oregon was 40 or 50 feet away from the rental to the left that was full of young party animals before we left in 2007, but nope. It was 64 feet away.

Virginia has been spending the days elsewhere, which is probably best for her. I saw Nancy’s car there later in the day yesterday and Tom said he saw one of them bringing in a bag of stuff. I just hope she keeps the house for eight or nine more months!

For a few seconds, I thought I heard that fucking saw a couple of days ago. Definitely heard a saw, but it almost didn’t seem loud enough to be Dahl. I still can’t believe how common that shit is here of all places.

Got my wonderfully smelling cuticle oil yesterday. It smells of milk and honey. I also got the nightguards and now I’m pissed we spent hundreds to have my old dentist make me one when I can use these much cheaper disposables. Two of them came in a pack that is small enough for me and I’m sure I can use them for months before I need to get new ones.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 23, 2020 In getting my report from 23andMe yesterday, there was definitely a lot of surprise, a little disappointment, and a whole lot of funny.

I had asked Norma a while back if I could be Ashkenazi (my GYN said they have an increased risk of breast cancer) and she said she didn’t think so since I didn’t have dark eyes and because I’m pale-skinned. it was soon determined, or so I thought, that I was probably Litvak. So when I read that I was 99% Ashkenazi, I was like wow! Norma was surprised as well when I shared the news with her.

Where there was a slight bit of disappointment was that when I first glanced at the ancestry composition, I expected a long list of percentage breakdowns of all the different countries I supposedly originated from, as I’ve seen in sample reports. Yet there was virtually nothing there that was kind of boring, LOL. Okay, I’m 99.3% “broadly” European. I’m broadly 0.2% East Asian & Native American, broadly 0.2% Western Asian & North African, and then there’s 0.3% that’s unassigned. I guess unassigned means that they don’t yet have enough data collected to get any real definitive information and some areas, even though they tell me I have shared DNA with 1365 customers and 75 of them are “close” relatives. That’s why, the more people that submit samples, the percentages of our origins can change over time. So I’ll have to look for updates periodically.

The fact that the mitochondrial Eve, the mother of all humans, lived in Eastern Africa over 150K years ago makes me wonder if that explains the 0.2% African in me even though it says “North” African.

The Jews started out in East Asia which could also explain the tiny speck of Asian in me, and they eventually settled in Central and Eastern Europe, later migrating to America and other places in hopes of gaining acceptance in escaping persecution. So instead of showing me a list of countries, they just showed me a region which is what I expected it to be. It told me 100% of my relatives are Ashkenazi and 77% of them were less likely to live near a farm when they were young.

Just like not all blacks are quite the same since some can be American, Haitian, Jamaican, African, etc., we come in a variety as well with Mizrahi, Sephardic, Ethiopian, Hasidic, and the most common which is Ashkenazi. Thanks to Shitler, though, I am a very unique breed with only 10 to 12 million of us left on Earth and about 5 million in the US. I always did say no one had it as bad as the Jews (and gays) for a reason.

Jews were the least diverse in that they were very strict about marrying other Jews but that was mostly because they were forbidden to do so like blacks and whites were once forbidden to marry. Over the years there has been more inbreeding. Tom and I are an example of a mixed marriage, so I’m learning.

Yeah, this is the funny part. We used to “argue” in a funny way about being a bi-racial couple. He always insisted that’s what we were, and I was like, “Naw, Jewish is a religion, not a race. I’m white, you’re white…”

But I guess it really is both, LOL. We get a kick out of the name Ashkenazi too because it sounds so Indian. As silly as it may sound, I felt a surge of pride to be this unique Ashkenazi despite not doing anything to earn it, and the fact that I don’t have an exciting mix of things in my heritage.

Also funny was how Tom joked about me being the purebred while he was the mutt, LOL. It’s true, too. His composition looked more typical with him being 99.6% European, 36.9% French & German, 26.7% Scandinavian, 22.7% British & Irish, and 0.6% Finnish. He also had something like 1% unassigned.

This entry is getting a bit long so I will save additional info I’ve learned for another time.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 22, 2020 We could get our DNA results as early as today since they’re now being computed, but we’re hoping Monday at the latest.

Today’s Nane’s birthday. She would now be 60 years old. And she’s never going to be allowed back into my life either, not that she would ever want to be. Still, it makes me proud of myself to be able to say that and mean it. :-) Same goes for Maliheh, Andy, Paula, the termites, and anyone else who either dumped me or that I dumped.

Went on a half-hour walk yesterday afternoon which was about 2,600 steps. Still not quite making 10K, but I think the half-hour of activity 5 days a week is more important. Besides, more is not better. I just read a health article that talks about studies proving that more is actually bad for you just like underexercising can be.

Had some hip pain and I thought I would be in for a ton of it today but I’m fine so far. I’ll probably go on another walk in a couple of hours. Walking in a gated community in a dry climate is the ONLY thing I’m going to miss other than a few of my neighbors and doctors, so I’m going to make the most of it and take every opportunity I get to get out there.

Nail foil is not the way to go. At least not for me, it isn’t. It might be better to decorate things with but not my nails. It looks too much like chipped nail polish. It’s virtually impossible to get an entire full-nail transfer. I wanted to foil the ugly olive strips that were included in this weekend’s set which also has black and white marble strips. I like black marble a lot, but don’t care for white marble much. It looks like white polish with a few faint gray smudges as if something brushed against it.

Nail polish is going to be my best bet for altering the less appealing colors. I did a test to see if I could polish them while still on the wax paper they come on, figuring it would be easier to get even coverage that way and a great way to avoid getting any polish in my cuticles, but I found that after I let it dry and I lifted the strip, it also pulled up the nail polish that spilled over the edges and that wouldn’t be something I could trim off easily. Better to just polish the strips after they’ve been applied to my nails. I’m mostly steady-handed so if I take my time, I can get most of it where I want it to be.

I had some spares, so I tore off the three strips I foiled and replaced them with a couple of dark red glitter strips and a rainbow strip. The glitter is harder to see in the darker colors, I’ve noticed. I was going to throw some polish over the three olive strips on my right hand but decided I would wait until my holographic topcoat arrived. I think that’s due tomorrow. Today I get my cuticle oil and hair dye. Monday comes the new mattress pad and Tuesday comes the new mouthguards.

ANCESTRY

Neanderthal Ancestry 225 Variants Ashkenazi Jewish 99.0% Ashkenazi Jewish

HEALTH PREDISPOSITION

Hereditary Hemochromatosis (HFE Related) Variant detected, not likely at increased risk

Hereditary Thrombophilia Slightly increased risk

Late-Onset Alzheimer’s Disease Slightly increased risk

Type 2 Diabetes Typical likelihood

WELLNESS

Alcohol Flush Reaction Unlikely to flush Oh, but I do feel a warm flush, mostly in my face, when I drink.

Caffeine Consumption Likely to consume less (If one cup a day is “less”)

Deep Sleep Less likely to be a deep sleeper

Genetic Weight Predisposed to weigh less than average (Yup)

Lactose Intolerance Likely intolerant (Somewhat)

Muscle Composition Common in elite power athletes (Definitely have been naturally muscular most of my life)

Saturated Fat and Weight Likely similar weight (Not sure what this means)

Sleep Movement Likely more than average movement

TRAITS

Ability to Match Musical Pitch About a 50/50 chance of being able to match a musical pitch (I’m actually pretty good at this. Can’t put a number on it but it’s higher than 50.)

Asparagus Odor Detection Likely can smell

Bitter Taste Likely can’t taste

Bunions More likely than average to have had a bunion (Never had one)

Cheek Dimples Likely no dimples

Cilantro Taste Aversion Slightly higher odds of disliking cilantro

Cleft Chin Likely no cleft chin

Dandruff Less likely to get dandruff

Earlobe Type Likely detached earlobes

Earwax Type Likely wet earwax (Ew!)

Eye Color Likely brown or hazel eyes (Wrong. Started off hazel, went green in my early 20s)

Fear of Heights More likely than average to be afraid of heights (Not unless they’re open heights)

Fear of Public Speaking Less likely to have a fear of public speaking

Finger Length Ratio Likely ring finger longer

Flat Feet Less likely than average to have flat feet

Freckles Likely a lot of freckles (Nope)

Hair Photobleaching More likely to experience hair photobleaching (Yes! My hair got much lighter upon moving to Arizona)

Hair Texture Likely straight or wavy (Nope. Curly)

Hair Thickness Less likely to have thick hair (Had very thick hair when I was younger)

Ice Cream Flavor Preference More likely to prefer chocolate over vanilla ice cream

Light or Dark Hair Likely dark

Misophonia Average odds of hating chewing sounds (OMG, I HATE the sound of chewing!)

Mosquito Bite Frequency Likely bitten more often than others

Motion Sickness More likely to experience motion sickness (I don’t)

Newborn Hair Likely lots of baby hair (Yup)

Photic Sneeze Reflex Likely no photic sneeze reflex

Red Hair Likely no red hair (I have 1%, hubs has 6%)

Skin Pigmentation Likely lighter skin

Stretch Marks About a 50/50 chance of having stretch marks

Sweet vs. Salty Likely prefers sweet

Toe Length Ratio Likely big toe longer

Unibrow Likely no unibrow

Wake-Up Time Likely to wake up around 7:34 am (LMAO! Tell that to another circadian rhythm disorder person like me.)

Widow’s Peak Likely no widow’s peak (Had one when I was younger)

FRIDAY, AUGUST 21, 2020 Yay, my DNA is in review now! So is his, so we’re in the same batch.

I slept better and woke up feeling more rested but now the fatigue is setting in yet again. Perhaps that’s because I’ve had nothing but junk since getting up. A huge TV dinner and ice cream. I’ll get some blueberries into me soon. Plus a 100-calorie pack of cashews.

Don’t know if I’m going to be going out walking this morning because of the smoke due to the fires coming from Vacaville. That’s about 45 miles from us. Yesterday, just opening the front door to receive groceries gave me quite a whiff of smoke and it made my lungs tight enough to need a puff of my inhaler. Tom didn’t do any outside work.

Fitbit asked Tom if he would be willing to participate in an experiment that he agreed to and that he may ultimately get paid for. They want to study his HR. We’re guessing this study is for people in their 60s.

He got a sleep score of 90 the other day. I can’t imagine ever getting mine that high. It was 88 the last time around, and my heart went down to 65.

The dentist texted me the other day saying to watch for the latest COVID-19 instructions 2 hours before my appointment next week. Definitely looking forward to getting my teeth cleaned. They’re overdue and kind of yucky-looking. Time for new mouthguards too as this one is getting kind of old and gross. I soaked it in peroxide earlier.

In just a couple of weeks, I will have been alive for 20K days. If I’m right about not making it to 80, then I should have less than 10K days to go. I’m okay with that too. The world and the people in it have always been fucked up but it just seems to be getting worse and worse with time. Plus I still get bored a lot. How many thousands of days could I do the same things over and over again? I just hope my death isn’t too torturous and that there’s no afterlife!

I had a dream we were living somewhere and were both up late one night when I heard a motorcycle tear out of the park. I could still hear it once outside the park over 1000 feet away and was worried that we’d never be able to get far enough away from them for me to not have to blast the sound machine while sleeping.

This is a real concern of mine too. Especially when motorcycles are even more abundant in Florida. Had they been roaring by our place in Maricopa, even though the bedroom was about 150 feet away from the street, it would have woken me up even with the box fan I would sleep with. But motorcycles have never been a problem for me until I came here, and I know they’re worse in Florida, both from what I heard when I was there and read online.

I didn’t hear any in the park throughout the night, but I heard plenty of them blazing down the freeway. That may not be nearly as maddening as when they go by the house but they’re still audible enough, especially at night when sound carries easier.

Interestingly enough, I also had a dream about that cold-hearted bigot Rosemarie from the Vista Ventana apartment complex that apparently made more of a lasting impression on me than I would have imagined given the very brief time I knew the gorgeous Italian hater.

I guess we ended up living in the same apartment building or maybe they were rented rooms or something. Either way, we eventually recognized each other, and I told her I would never be the pest I was years ago, something I would never say since I was never a pest in any way. But we seemed to put the past behind us and get along, eventually connecting on Facebook. I sat silently watching in the background and then one day she said she was glad that Rick, the guy she was with at the time I knew her in real life, was long gone because he was such an asshole. I was sure to “like” that one.

In real life, he seemed like he was a very controlling and probably abusive guy. I believe Rosemarie was indeed straight and uncomfortable around lesbians and bisexual women, but I always wondered if things might have turned out differently had Rick not been around to be such a negative influence on her. Perhaps we would have been friends. Who the hell goes from claiming to be understanding and accepting one minute to telling me that they thought about it and were too religious to bother with my kind the next? Regardless, it was one of many glimpses into the darkness and dishonesty the lies within so many people’s hearts shown to me between the late 80s and early 90s which helped to shape me into the distrusting and non-sociable person I became. What I could really kick myself for most was how forgiving I remained so late in life. So many people I took back into my life that I never should have. An apology meant everything to me and was the magic word for making things better. Never again! Once a person proves to be a problem, that’s it. I’m done. I don’t have to be forced to go to school with anyone of toxic nature, and I don’t have to work with anyone who’s fucked up, so there’s no need or reason to put up with any drama unnecessarily. Why put myself through that and do that to myself when I’ve had more than enough? Definitely better to have just a few close friends than dive into a sea of people which I’m smart enough to know is mostly going to bring trouble. Even Tom’s had enough bad experiences with people to have smartened up. But he’s smarter than me. He caught on way before I did. The only reason I accepted the termite back into my life was to get my hands on whatever money I could when our parents died to help us move. As soon as I had the money, I should have bailed.

I wasn’t at all surprised to read that countries run by women have been more successful in dealing with the virus. I’ve always believed women, in general, were smarter than men (except for Tom). Better looking too, for the most part, LOL. It’s about time people are finally seeing this and that there is no “weaker” sex. There’s more to fighting than size and gender. Like rage, determination, fitness level, and other things.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 20, 2020 It’s great to see the serious or critical down by about 5,000 cases. They say we can expect another surge at the end of the year but hopefully, that will be the last one and we’ll have access to a vaccine early next year.

First day under the triple digits in a while. It’s even getting down to 65 degrees tonight instead of 75 as it has been. The 10-cast says we’re going to range between 97 and 100 degrees.

Bet the guy across the street is just itching to jump out and grab that fucking saw, aren’t you, you little cock? At least it will make it easier for Tom to work outdoors. The new fence isn’t up yet but he’s been cleaning the gutter that runs alongside the carport.

Went out for a 15-minute walk yesterday morning at 6:30 since I did 15 minutes on the treadmill earlier. The sky was tainted brown due to the fires and I could make out the faint smell of smoke.

There are two definite new markings on Tandy at both ends of the street. If prayer actually worked, I would be down on my knees praying that they don’t work in the street by our place before we leave!

My hip pain started up yesterday but it’s not too bad today. Didn’t sleep so well either. Kept waking up a lot. Twice I had to get up and pee and once due to loud traffic blasting by. Sometimes I woke up just because. He cooked something strong-smelling, though I’m not sure if the smell woke me up or if I woke up and then smelled it.

I feel like I’m stuck in one big waiting game now with so many months ahead of us. We’re still eight or nine months away from moving. I’m excited but nervous. I just can’t picture us lucky enough to go straight from this place to a new home, though. No, something up there must fuck with us and delay things, so we’re stuck in an extended-stay hotel for a while and losing money which would delay moving from the temporary home even more. I’m surprised there were delays getting into this place as noisy as it is. If it were up to me, though, I would rather leave now and spend a couple of weeks in a hotel before getting into the house as opposed to waiting nearly a year and going straight to the house.

The biggest negative to owning is that it’s so hard to move when you want to! You can’t just up and go whenever yet in most cases it’s cheaper to own than rent. Even the one-bedroom apartments around here are more than this place and I can’t stand living attached to others anyway since adding door slamming, footsteps, TVs, music and voices to all the outside commotion is definitely not something I could ever get into.

Still no Bob obit, so I’m guessing there never will be. I wonder why. It just seems strange. Maybe everybody hated the guy. That family isn’t hurting for money, so they could definitely afford one.

12:40 a.m. and a commercial just passed overhead. In another 10-15 days, they’re going to be driving me crazy.

Came up with a story idea but I’m thinking I’m going to just wait until NaNoWriMo as I don’t expect to get another one between now and then.

Ran out to Rite-Aid yesterday.

It seems the thing Aly told Molly she would find out who was behind was a Twitter account pretending to be a celebrity Molly’s really into, Nick Carter. That totally smacks of Kim but if she’s not allowed online, then it’s obviously someone else fucking with her.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19, 2020 OMG, I’ve learned to make the best scrambled eggs ever! First I crack the eggs into a bowl and spray the surface with butter spray. Then I add some garlic salt, minced onion, and shredded cheese, and mix it all up. So delicious! But I really should wait until I talk to my doctor in October about that thing I read saying eggs don’t raise cholesterol levels like saturated fat and see what she thinks. Just because I probably wouldn’t opt in for chemo if I had cancer doesn’t mean I want to hasten my death along either.

Looks like the spots on my back are healing so maybe they weren’t pre-cancerous spots. We’re keeping an eye on them and I’ll decide when I see my doctor if they’re worth mentioning or not. I’ve had suspicious spots before that went away, like the one on my chest.

Got the nail glue today which came with a cute little case of 10 solid-colored glitter foils. I not only learned that I really needed that glue but that the longer you keep the foil on before peeling it off, the more of the design will transfer. I think it will be best to get solid colors rather than foils with flowers and other designs because it’s hard to transfer the entire thing. I’m finding it’s best for making random streaks of color. I did the nail with turquoise polish with shots of red, royal blue and silver. Did the dark red nail strip with royal blue, gold and a speck of green. So multicolored nails are the easiest to create. Didn’t need to cure it either. I just threw a topcoat over it. So from now on, any boring colored nail polish strips that are included in the sets I get will be dressed up with shots of color.

Grabbed some cuticle oil along with what should be my last 3-pack of hair dye in this place. I usually do it every few months, so I’ll probably dye my hair in September, December and March.

I’m glad I didn’t send Aly any more nail strips because just when she thought the nail hardener was helping her nails, they’re brittle and breaking again. She’s going to ask her doctor about it when she sees them.

She’s really stressed out right now and considering moving home when her lease is up because her mother isn’t eating. She lost 45 lbs and is really frail and does nothing but lie around. Her dad isn’t doing well either and she’s scared for them. Guess that’s why I haven’t had the feeling that they would make it to Florida, unfortunately, but they are old. Not really old but they’re in their seventies.

I hate to do it since I’ve been feeling great but I’m cutting doses and waiting time this week because I just don’t see myself being able to make it without getting anxious all the way into early October when I go to the lab. After the lab, we’ll see if I can beat my 10-week record.

I’ve been getting a lot of spam calls from my area code, but I can never find out who the hell the numbers go to. A couple of them have green verified checks next to them but they never leave a message. The only message I got today was a 3-minute message in which only soft office sounds could be heard in the background. It’s got to be some type of spam or scam for them not to be leaving real messages and to keep calling from different numbers as if they expect to be blocked or something. Whenever I try to find out who owns the numbers, I don’t get any concrete answers but a mix of possibilities instead. I suppose one could never know for sure since anyone could get phone numbers, email addresses, and pretty much anything in a bogus name. So I’m thinking spam or scam like maybe they want to try to get “donations” for some fictitious cause.

Slept well for 6 hours and 20 minutes with a sleep score of 88. Got up once to pee, and don’t remember any dreams.

Going to be running out to Rite Aid when they open in the morning. I might do a pre-dawn walk but I’m not sure yet. I’ll definitely hit the Bowflex and do some indoor cardio.

I was sitting here thinking about how I was wrong in believing we would always be broke. Now if only I could find next year that I’m just as wrong in believing we’ll never have a place we both absolutely love. That’s more complicated than money. With money, you either have it or you don’t. But when it comes to where you live, there are a number of factors that can make it either good or bad.

On the bright side, if we had a place, I totally fell in love with I would only worry we’d lose it. It always seems harder to stay in the good places even though we’ll never be in the kind of predicament we were in 20 years ago because things are so much different now in so many ways.

I’m never going to have a peaceful place to live. I get that. Just wasn’t meant to be. But I think we can do better than this place. We can certainly improve the climate as well even if it means bringing on the humidity.

The nights are still peaceful but in a few weeks, they won’t be.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 18, 2020 I was right in guessing that I would be tired today although I’m not that tired. Took a sugar crash nap for an hour after eating some candy, then got up, tidied up the kitchen after throwing a couple of BBQ ribs in the slow cooker, and launched the robot vacuum.

I renamed the very first Alexa we got to “Tall” since we have five different Echo devices and I figured it would be easier to keep track of which is which that way. The other one I renamed was the white one without the clock that the termite lost out on. Appropriately, I renamed it “Termite.”

The white one without the clock was okay in the bedroom except it’s too muffled-sounding for reading, so right now I have Tall in there and the one with the clock is out in the living room. The first black Dot and Termite are currently offline. Tom has the second black Dot.

I complained to the seller that sent only half of the nail foils they said they would send and was surprised to receive a full refund. They said some senseless thing about me being sent something that was returned or something like that, but either way, I guess sometimes complaining really does pay. Literally.

Still haven’t gotten 10K steps yet due to either being tired or because of where my schedule is now, but I have made a point of getting 30 minutes or more of activity 5 days a week. Might take a break from cardio today but not the Bowflex.

It’s the strangest phenomenon ever, but my body will absolutely not budge below 153-154. What matters most is that I found a way to keep from gaining to the point that I hit the 160s, but it is weird. My body really wants that extra weight. It hasn’t killed me yet, though, and it won’t kill me to live another twenty-something years with it. So I can’t do jumping jacks or hop on one foot. Big deal. As soon as my weight reaches 157, I can always low-carb back down 2-3 pounds and that’s good enough for me.

I had two different dreams about moving, only we didn’t move to the country or to a park. The first place seemed kind of industrialized and not at all like it would be peaceful. When I looked out the window at the side of the place, I found it overlooked a parking lot. A truck was pulling into the garage of what looked like an auto mechanic shop.

Decided to sleep in the bedroom furthest from it, but the front, which was where the bedrooms were was horribly close to the street. My bed was practically right on top of the street and I could imagine all the screaming kids passing by on their way to and from school along with the traffic.

The second house seemed to be very spacious. Towards the middle of the place in the back, I noticed that Tom opened a couple of windows and thought it was nice that we could do that there without letting in so much noise.

Then I spotted a spider and ran to get the vacuum to suck it up off its web. However, when I returned with a vacuum, the spider was gone. So then I picked up a can of bug spray only to find that the little nozzle you spray it with was missing.

Then I gave up on the spider and walked towards the side of the house where I caught a glimpse of an old man sitting down in a lawn chair in his backyard. He was perhaps 40 feet away.

Then I walked to the front corner of the house. There was a large area of space between the kitchen and where the front door. I looked out the door and saw the blur of movement between fence planks as a little kid played with her dog next door which stuck out in front of our place. This place was next to the old man, but the old man’s house faced a different street than our house and the house with the kid and dog.

Suddenly, the mother and the little girl that had been playing next door were just outside our place and we were introducing ourselves. I told her my husband was napping at the moment. She had 3 kids which she said were noisy and I said that I thought they were quiet and that I only heard them if I went right up to my door which I didn’t have any reason to do very often.

Then I was patting an outdoor pet of theirs which seemed to resemble a baby giraffe.

Lastly, the little girl dropped something, and I bent down to pick it up, but the mother said, “I got it.”

In the last dream, I swore I got off. Not sure if I came for real or just in the dream but as usual, I didn’t seem to have a partner, male or female. It was like I was doing myself.

Oh, how interesting. Just peeked in on Molly’s Twitter account which is now being followed by an account of Aly’s that she said she created a few months ago but wasn’t sure what to do with it. Molly complained about some strange email or something to that effect, and Aly asked if Roman, one of the guys Molly is obsessed with, is the pranking type. But she has her theory, she says. Then she said to give her the account or number and she was sure she could find out who was really behind it.

But how? Because she has a paid search or because she can hack it? But if she could hack accounts that easily like Prosebox which doesn’t alert users to unrecognized browsers logging in, then why hasn’t she messed with anything of mine there? Wouldn’t she want to delete some of the things I’ve said about her that she may not like or agree with? Or maybe she feels going that far would get her in trouble and cause me to restrict my writing to sites she couldn’t hack as easily?

Of course, she has the account I’m connected to her on blocked to keep it from being suggested to me, but surprisingly, she didn’t block my private account. So maybe she really doesn’t know about it then, although a paid search may point it out to her since I did use a valid email to sign up for that account. If I have to verify an email address, I have no choice.

Seems she’s hesitant to blog or incorporate pent-up anger into stories to share for fear of “harming” friendships. Says not everyone needs to know her every thought anyway and that it’s better that way.

Yeah, I’ve had more than enough of the race-related shit but it’s statements like this that make me wonder just how true a friend she is. Or how honest. I learned a long time ago that she doesn’t always say what’s on her mind and can be very two-faced by telling me everything’s okay and then “secretly” tweeting just the opposite. She told Molly that Sunday was an awful day and while she did mention skin and tummy issues to me, she didn’t describe them as “awful.” In fact, she said she was in better spirits when I asked her if she was.

She’s so damn sensitive and fragile that anything I say, no matter how harmless it may seem at least to me and most people, could offend her. I stopped worrying so much about that, though, not that I don’t care but because I have to be me. I can’t babysit her feelings and constantly try to guess whether or not she may take something I say the wrong way. Some things are obvious, but I could tell her I don’t like the colors olive or mustard yellow and she could take it personally for all I know.

Really hope she doesn’t have a way of finding out that I’m now aware of and watching this account because I’d love to see what she may say or hint about me. On the other hand, she knows she could be found if she’s unprotected, so we’ll see. It will be interesting to see if she happens to change handles or get rid of the account soon because if she does it will definitely make me think she has a way of tracking her Twitter visitors that I don’t know about.

MONDAY, AUGUST 17, 2020 Got up to 111 degrees yesterday. The triple-digit days are going to last for the rest of the month if not close to it.

The freeway is definitely getting louder and I’m sure the planes will as well. Still not sure if we don’t hear the planes in the summer because we don’t hear the freeway, but I’m dreading their return either way. It is just so damn annoying! The small planes and helicopters you hear from mid-June until now are still more than I’ve ever heard at night anywhere else but damn peaceful compared to the rest of the year. We can’t escape the saws and projects but we can definitely escape the busy streets and flight paths, which I’m looking so forward to doing. If I feel tears of joy and excitement just thinking about the day we leave this place now, I can just imagine how I’ll be when that day arrives!

I get that going rural means adding barking dogs, screaming kids, and loud music but if we could find a piece of land big enough and situated far enough away from the neighbors, it’s got to be better than a park.

I put my original Fitbit band back on because I like being able to wear it on my ankle and I couldn’t with the other one. You really need a bigger wrist for the other one but it still fits well enough to wear when I’m going out and things like that.

Again I got a sleep score of 89. I slept for 6 hours and 45 minutes. The lowest I’ve seen my heart was 65 but that was just one time. It usually drops to about 67-68. So far, I’ve learned that I don’t sleep an average of 8-9 hours like I thought but more like 7-8.

23andMe is now saying they expect my results as early as the third rather than the second. His still says the second. What, are my chromosomes more complicated or something?

We’re still slowly prepping for the upcoming move. Thus far he’s mostly been concentrating on the outside, but the heatwave has been slowing that down a bit.

He’s going to show me how to use his adhesive melting thing so I can remove most of the stickers. The little basket of flowers in the bathroom can stay and maybe even the flowers in the bedroom and master bath. It’s the rats, stripper, and large rainbow daisy that need to go. Well, I’m not so sure about the daisy but the dancers in the laundry room can go.

I thought I was hearing things, but nope. We really did get a burst of rain just now. Probably because of the excessive heat. I’m hearing thunder now too.

Got some nail foil glue, a glitter topcoat, and a new mattress pad on the way. This plush pillowtop pad is just over 3 years old and many of the fluffy pockets have gone flat. Gonna cut it up to make disposable liners for the pigs when the new one arrives. They’ll love it.

Oh, fuck. Just heard a commercial. Ugh. So glad this is the last year of this shit!

As I’ve said, the current plan is to share the termite excerpt a year after we move. I think I might begin my message to them, childish or not, by saying that I got their “apology” on one of my blogs, still want nothing to do with them, but here are the excerpts they asked for, LOL.

Can’t wait to get my teeth cleaned. They definitely need it. They’re filthy. I can see the plaque and tartar buildup between the teeth, especially the bottom ones. It’s making my mouth feel not so clean and it can give you bad breath, not to mention lead to cavities, especially with me. So they’re definitely overdue to be done. I just hope no new cavities are discovered! They may be a lot easier to deal with these days, but they still cost money.

The thunder is getting closer.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 16, 2020 Realizing I no longer needed the Alexa clock giving off unwanted light when I sleep at night, I swapped it out with the one the termite lost out on. It was then that I remembered that this one has issues reading books. Its speaker is messed up and causes a hissing sound. If that happens again, and I’m sure it will, I’ll take the one in the kitchen into the bedroom and put the clock one in the kitchen.

I forgot to put my Fitbit back on after my shower yesterday evening. I would love to go out for a walk now but it’s much too warm. Fuck it. I think I’m going to go anyway after I post this entry. I’ll just stick to this side of the circle and hope I don’t see any skunks. They’re easier to get away from on foot. I can turn myself around a lot easier than I can a bike if I see one heading my way. Wonder if heading uphill from next door to our place will count as a floor climb.

Where my heart is average to good, his is good to excellent. Luckily, healthy hearts run in his family which is the opposite of mine.

Got my best sleep score yet of 89 and I feel much more rested than yesterday, but you know me…in another day or two, I’ll be tired again. I don’t understand why I sleep shitty so much of the time. I know my sleep disorder doesn’t help since it’s not good to not be able to keep a schedule. Age and the stress of the noisy street are probably the biggest factors.

Couldn’t sleep on the airbed as comfortable as it is because it was a bit too high and “wobbly” being on top of the other mattress. So it’s folded and safely tucked away in the closet for me to sleep on when we get to Florida. The only negatives to the airbed are worrying about it leaking and it does cause a pain right above my tailbone that almost feels like my lower body is trying to detach from my upper body or something, so I can see where waterbeds would be bad. Especially now that I’m older and fatter. I’ll just get cheap coils every 3-4 years. Still glad we got this thing because like I said, I can sleep on it when we move until I get a new mattress, and it helped me decide the best way to go. I just can’t see a high-end mattress lasting the rest of my life but if I can find one comfortable enough that will, great. No way I’m ordering something like that online, though. We need to go to a mattress store so I can lay on it even if it means dealing with pesky salespeople. Glad we don’t have to go to furniture stores for the rest of the furniture although this couch ended up being a lot nicer looking than it feels. It’s much too firm.

I’m learning from Aly that there are regional differences between the meanings of words. Where to say you want to jump someone back East means you want to kick their ass, I learned a long time ago that it means you want to get them in bed in the West. Well, apparently, envy and jealousy have different meanings in different locations as well. To me, I’m jealous of the murderer who gets to remain free and live a great life in great health while I envy the lottery winner.

Had a dream I was indoors in a large room that had several Jacuzzis in it. My former GYN was sitting on the steps of one of them talking to someone while she smoked a cigarette. I was surprised to find she smoked and thought that if she was so heavy as a smoker, I’d hate to think of what she might gain if she quit.

Then I was in a long corridor. She came running down it saying she had to puke. She entered a bathroom off the corridor, and I could hear her barfing behind the door.

The nail foils are a bust without the special glue they need, and I’m not too happy that they sent half of what they said they’d send, so I messaged them. Really hoped I could use them with just a clear coat of nail polish but nope. I’ll grab some glue the next time we need something from Amazon, plus a holographic topcoat I like.

Love how I can use my metallic polishes on the strips I don’t like as much. The ones I put on looked better on the sheet than they do on my nails. The accent strips are fine, but I don’t like the dark dull red ones, so I threw polish over those.

Even though I’m not keeping the dresser, I decorated the knobs with some of them too, just for fun.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 2020 My skin cancer is back or at least what could be pre-cancerous spots. The one she sprayed is back and I have another one that’s smaller also on my back. I’ll have to have her spray them when I see her in a couple of months. It’s probably basal or squamous and although these cancers aren’t as aggressive or as deadly as melanoma, they can get into the bones and tissue and cause disfigurement if left untreated. Had a little bit of bleeding with the first one last night.

Really REALLY getting sick and fucking tired of being tired every 2-3 days. I knew I would be today, too. Wish I could get used to it. Hope to hell I’m not tired on moving day! I would assume that the stress of sleeping on such a busy street with so much loud traffic is a big factor, but I won’t know for sure until we move. This could just be how I am now, and I could very well be looking at spending the rest of my life tired a third of the time. I sure hope not! Not sure what else could be going on to cause me such fatigue and to not always sleep so well, but I’m sure age is a part of it. I remember one of the times I woke up was because the nature sounds playing on Alexa stopped. It does that sometimes.

My sleep score was 84 and I slept for 6 hours and 44 minutes.

Will be sleeping on the twin airbed tonight or more like tomorrow morning. It’s way comfier. Just a little “wobbly,” and I can’t use the body pillow because it’s too narrow. Maybe I’ll get a double sometime with a thinner mattress to put underneath to catch me when it leaks since these things don’t last long at all. It’s slightly tricky to climb into but easy enough to slide out of. Hopefully, I can stop waking up to pee as often as I have.

Made it over 9k steps yesterday but was pissed to have done a half-hour of activity just to have it record only 21 minutes. Guess I skied too slowly at times. Today I’m not going to get shit for steps or exercise. Too tired.

Got my new Fitbit band. Not as shiny as I thought it would be but it’s still nice and stylish. It’s easier to get on and off too.

My hair is getting long again. I can now reach the ends when the hair is pulled straight from being wet in the shower by reaching from my lower back and upward.

Right after I mentioned not being able to hear the freeway yet, I noticed the soft whisper of it when I was in the bathroom at 3 a.m. yesterday, so it’s slowly trickling back in. It’s the fucking onslaught of planes I dread the most.

Got an email at 7 p.m. saying they’re now genotyping my DNA. Exciting!

Dr. H is showing up again under Suggestions. All three of them are.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 13, 2020 Really wanted to go out walking before it was dark enough for the skunks to come out but it’s going to be too hot for the next week or so. Once I start sleeping later, I’ll go out early in the morning. I ran out to dump some trash just after 10 p.m. and it was still a sauna out. In Arizona, that was common. But not here. It usually cools off after dark.

Fitbit said I slept for 8.5 hours and this time I got a sleep score of 85. However, I feel more rested today than I did yesterday with a score of 88. HR dropped to 65. The bulk trash collectors picked the right time to wake me up because I was getting up at that time anyway. Had they come any earlier, I probably would have ended up tired, especially if I couldn’t get back to sleep. I don’t think I’ll be so lucky tomorrow when the regular trash collectors come. They’re going to come earlier.

Fitbit also says my heart is average-good for my age and all that. I crushed my 30-minute activity goal today, but I doubt I’ll hit 10K steps getting up late in the day as I did. It will be close, though.

We were excited to learn that they finally got our spit, there’s enough, and it’s not contaminated or anything like that for analysis. It’s now in the queue for the DNA cells to be extracted from the spit! We should have our results on September 2nd or September 17th at the latest. Can’t wait!

Tom said Virginia wasn’t home all day. She didn’t get back until after 8 (at least I’m guessing it was her), so maybe she spent the day elsewhere. I hope she’s not having serious health issues, but you never know since it’s not uncommon for couples who have been together for decades to die within the same time frame.

I’ve noticed my bite has been slightly off lately where the teeth on the right side almost seem a bit longer, but I wonder if it’s why my TMJ has been so much better lately. My bite isn’t bothersome in any way. It doesn’t affect how I chew or anything like that. It’s just barely noticeable.

Just two and a half weeks to go before the commercial planes will be driving me crazy by the dozens. Since they’ve been a problem from fall to spring the last couple of years, I doubt they would change flight paths this soon. Not looking forward to that at all! Can’t hear the freeway yet but that should be anytime now. So glad this will be our last winter here! For now, I’m going to continue to enjoy the mostly quiet nights that are left to enjoy.

The colorful sink strainers arrived today. I’m using the pink and blue ones and at the end of the year, I’ll switch them out for the yellow and orange. The rubbery part gets kind of yucky after a while.

I had a bunch of dreams but the only ones I remember are rearranging a large room with Tom somewhere and then another dream where I was young and single again. Maybe another dimension?

Anyway, there was this woman I was interested in and I kept hoping things would go further but wasn’t sure she was as into me as I was into her. I dropped hints about advancing to intimacy as she was driving me to her place one evening. Her house had one long big hallway running through the center of it. All the rooms were off to the sides. She gave me a tour of the rooms on one side and then said she had to pee. I asked if I could check out the room across the hall while she was in the bathroom.

With tomorrow’s Walmart order, I’m getting (hopefully) a $9 twin airbed like I would get for the RV on the mountain and when we first moved into places and had yet to get any real furniture. Always thought those were the most comfortable things I ever slept on. I’m hoping it will help my hip and keep me cooler since those things tend to be cold. So cold that during the cooler months, you need more than just a thin sheet over it. Might not need anything at all since it’s summer.

Not saying I’m going to do this, but I might just cycle through these cheap airbeds which don’t last long, rather than get a luxury mattress when we get settled wherever since the costs are actually similar, maybe even cheaper. I would get a platform that didn’t have screw heads that could poke holes in it like this one has and then use a foam or coil mattress as a base to catch me if I bottomed out in my sleep. I would always have a backup on hand, too.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 12, 2020 Last night I felt like I could be on the verge of a wave of anxiety but next week I was going to cut the waiting time 3 days and my pill 2 days anyway. So I’ll definitely do that at that time unless it gets worse before then. Then I should be good for labs as I can now usually go at least 6 weeks without getting anxious. I felt fine today but I’m still going to drop my level a teeny bit.

Learned from 23andMe that people with O blood types are between 9-18% less likely than individuals with other blood types to test positive for the virus. Well, Tom is type O so that’s great. I don’t know what I am.

I like that you can use foil transfers on other things besides nails. Saw a picture of someone who used them for their crafts. Maybe I can decorate some things with some of them like the knobs on my dresser even though I don’t plan on taking it with me. I hope I don’t have to get foil glue, but I don’t think I will. I think they should work with polish or topcoats.

We’re going to be in for quite a heatwave, coming close to 110 degrees a few days in a row.

Why is Fitbit telling me I can eat 1519 calories? I’m not actively trying to lose weight and I haven’t for a while since deciding to just accept myself as I am, but 4 years ago I set my goal to 1200 calories. Today it’s saying I can have 1388 cals. I don’t get it.

I should try to get in the habit of throwing it in the charger when I’m showering. I don’t always hit 10K steps, though, especially if I get up late morning or early afternoon. Being tired doesn’t help either. Got the same sleep score of 88 yesterday after sleeping 9 hours and 6 minutes but didn’t awake feeling refreshed. Woke up too many times along the way, I guess. Just a bit stressed over my schedule for my appointment in a couple of weeks and being woken up by the bulk pickup trucks that didn’t come today. They’re late at times. HR went lower, though, to 68.

Looks like the only thing the public can see on my Fitbit profile might be my Lifetime Achievement Stats that keep a running total of my steps. Funny how it thought I climbed one floor when I was out walking yesterday for 10 minutes. That had to have been on my way back when I was coming up the hill. My HR peaked at 169.

Based on the signs people had in their yards, I was surprised to see at least three Biden supporters on one street alone. Usually, older people tend to be more conservative. I don’t know much about Biden, but I would love for anybody but Trump to win and I still feel confident as a psychic that he won’t. It was nice to see the very attractive Kamala Harris chosen as his VP running mate. The only thing I don’t like about her is that she seems a little too focused on her own rather than everybody as a whole, as it should be. But I would take her any day over Trump and any other conservative. Being conservative means you want to control others who aren’t like you and that you believe there is only one correct way. I grew up with a control freak. The last thing we need is someone in charge telling us how to live our lives. I’ll never understand why people who are anti-gay marriage or anti-abortion simply don’t marry the same sex or get an abortion if they’re so against these things. Meanwhile, leave everyone else the fuck alone!

I somehow unlocked a week of Premium Grammarly but so far, I don’t see any difference between it and the free version. It does do a great job overall, but it also misses things it shouldn’t. So it’s not perfect but then what is?

Still nothing from Kim. She got busted badly this time! Enjoying the break from her and I know Aly is too. For once I’m glad that Aly doesn’t follow through on her word to blog more regularly with stories or anything else. She’s been swearing she’s going to start “taking a stand” on some things and sharing her opinions on random topics, but it hasn’t happened yet. She did share a few short stories that were under 1000 words but that’s it so far. Again, I’m kind of glad because as great of a writer as she is, I don’t care for erotica, and I definitely don’t want to hear any more than I already do every single fucking day about racism!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 11, 2020 I’ve gotten to know my Fitbit a lot more. There are still some things that are confusing and frustrating, but I’m thinking I am going to keep it after all. Tom loves his. I don’t get why there’s a privacy option for sharing things like steps, sleep and HR when no one can see these things anyway. The extra features are cool even if we may not use them all. You can choose up to five different clock faces and change them whenever you want. Even though there are some pretty designs with pictures of flowers and butterflies and all that bright, colorful girly shit I’ve always loved, I’m wearing it on my ankle when I’m awake, so there’s no point in switching to a clock face that would be harder to see anyway. It was great being able to quickly check the time when I woke up, thanks to the large numbers on the large screen. Until I get even more blind of course.

Really hoping that the next place will be quieter enough that I can give him the Alexa clock and just use the first-generation Alexa for sleeping. Don’t know that I’ll be able to do away with the stereo, however, until we get land. I’m not going to be able to get motorcycles far enough away from the bedroom in any park anywhere. Plus, they’re going to have big loud commercial mowers coming right up to the windows once a week but at least it will only be once a week. Hopefully, the temp home won’t be next to someone with lots of shrubs that they trim regularly with loud equipment.

It was right on, and I mean right on, with the sleep! When I got up, I remembered getting up after 5 to pee, plus the few other times I awoke and glanced at the time. I got a good sleep score of 88 and slept for 7 hours and 44 minutes. It saw the exact times I woke, too. Slept from 2:36 a.m. to 11:12 a.m. and was awake for 52 minutes, in REM for 2 hours and 11 minutes, in a light sleep for 4 hours and 6 minutes, and a deep sleep for 1 hour and 27 minutes.

I can tell when I got up since I shot from 71 to 97 as that wake-up adrenaline shot through me. 71 was as low as my HR went. I’ve always had a naturally high HR but it’s way better, along with my sleep than when I was in perimenopause and started on the medication

That was another thing we didn’t like about the MorePro is that it would only track sleep between midnight and 8 a.m.

So since I’m keeping it, I decided to go ahead and get that bling band. Others with small wrists say it fits them. Don’t know that I could open it wide enough to get it on my ankle but changing bands on these things is a nightmare.

I’m also getting nail foil in 91 different colors and designs. :-) I look forward to trying them! I should be able to do so without having any chemicals touch my nails. Whenever I get a set of nail polish strips that are boring, I can throw a topcoat (or some real polish) over them and then foil the top with whatever design I want. I’m getting a huge mix of things from holographic to chrome to glitter to flowers and so much more.

Nail stamping is something I would never bother trying because it seems to be a really messy pain in the ass. With the foil, I shouldn’t need any special glues or UV lights. So it will be to dress up those boring colors mixed in with whatever sets of stickers I get.

I’m going to go out running later this evening so I should beat my high HR score of 126 that I hit yesterday on the skier. Didn’t quite get 10k steps yesterday because I forgot that the next day starts at midnight and not when I go to bed.

Pretty fucking sad that we have to “negotiate” whether or not to help the American people, but in a heartbeat, we’ll send millions to a terroristic country like Lebanon that wouldn’t do shit for us in return if they could.

I’m also wondering if we’re ever going to have a woman or gay president in my lifetime. Hell, we haven’t even had a Jewish, Hispanic or Asian president. But we’ve had a black one. See why it gets to me when people claim blacks don’t have the same opportunities as others? Oh, I totally believe they didn’t used to. No doubt about that. But I think they’ve had equal opportunities for quite a while now regardless of how some of the police treat them. Doctors, lawyers, nurses and many other great jobs including those currently training for great careers in law enforcement, medical, legal, labor and all kinds of things. Many jobs will purposely pass over whites in favor of minorities and or foreigners. I personally know people this has happened to.

Holly and Shannan are back to being suggested to me, but I haven’t seen Dr. H.

Had a dream that I made a prank call to Andy where I didn’t say anything.

I also dreamed a therapist came to visit me and she brought a suitcase to help with the move or maybe some vacation I was about to embark on. The place was long and cluttered. As she settled on the couch, I told her I had to pee before we started talking. I tried to hop quickly and gracefully over all the furniture and clutter just to feel like I was stuck in slow motion or something. Once I got to the bathroom, I could barely even push my string bikini panties down. It was as if they just didn’t want to budge.

MONDAY, AUGUST 10, 2020 It’s been a fun yet sometimes frustrating day, LOL, but yes, I’ve definitely been in good spirits overall and that means a lot to me. I’ll never take these good feelings for granted. Not after the hell I went through from 2014 until early last year.

So our new Fitbits came earlier than expected. There’s a part of me that thinks I should return it and that it’s a waste of money since it doesn’t have a speaker or do all the things I thought it would do. I can talk to Alexa, but she doesn’t talk back. She writes her response on the screen. So that means I can’t play music from it either. It would have to be synced to Bluetooth or something like that.

Setting it up and learning about the features has been more frustrating than fun. We had to watch a tutorial just to change the damn band sizes which seem a bit extreme for the amount of money we paid for this thing. Pretty sure this is the Rolls-Royce of Fitbits, so when you’re getting something that’s top-of-the-line, it just seems like things shouldn’t be this complicated.

His is actually in shades of black and gray. It’s a limited-edition band. It came with an extra band in a hideous shade of army green that not even he likes.

I’m still thinking of getting the diamond rose gold band if I don’t send it back altogether. It is still kind of fun and a definite motivator. I just prefer to wear mine on my ankle more often because my arms don’t always swing back and forth when I walk, especially if I’m carrying something and that way my steps don’t get tracked. My band is a light pale pink which is nice but not great. It’s better than the tangerine Charge HR I used to have that actually looked more like red with a hint of orange.

I just wish I knew why I was getting so much skin irritation lately when things are in contact with it. I’ve worn my wedding band for 26 years yet lately I’ve been getting red and irritated beneath it and have to take it off for a while. Same with the Fitbit, though it’s worse around my wrist than my ankle. I don’t think it will be comfortable to sleep with it around my ankle, though. Besides, that wouldn’t be very convenient if I wanted to glance at the time throughout the night. I keep the Alexa clock turned away because even on the dimmest setting it’s too bright and I like the bedroom pitch black. I dimmed the screen on my Fitbit.

I was checking out the different clock faces but had some issues with some of those so I’m using the one that came with it for now which is actually the easiest to see. Functionality is more important than its inner appearance.

We’ve had issues trying to set up notifications and the GPS but hopefully I won’t be woken up by anything new that comes in since I’m going to set it to Sleep Mode before I crash. If that doesn’t work, then I guess I’ll try Do Not Disturb.

What’s better about Fitbit than MorePro is that even though the MorePro had more things it tracked, Fitbit is definitely more accurate.

My hip still bugs me at times but it’s nothing too debilitating.

As I said, though, there are some frustrations that go with it and some things I don’t get. I have most of my graphs and all of my statistics set to public yet when I view my profile from the public’s perspective, all I see is stuff from 2016.

Also, how the hell could I have had too many calories when it says I’ve burned more than I’ve eaten? I burned 1417 and ate 1375.

We went to Rite Aid earlier and saw that the SUV was parked in front of next door. Saw some other guy walking around the carport and bending down to look at something just outside of it by the property line. Getting the feeling they’re gearing up to clear things out and move her. :-(

The bastard with the saw was quiet for the last couple of days but I don’t expect it to last more than a week or so if even that.

Tom has torn down the old rotted fence in the back corner and the next step will be to put up the new one.

Since Dixie fell this morning and didn’t think she could get outside safely and easily enough, instead of going down for a visit, we had a phone visit and chatted for about an hour.

I voice-typed this entry on the skier which Fitbit thinks is an elliptical machine. Now I’m “in the zone.” It says I’ve now burned 1567 calories. Then it says I reached my goal of 1475 cals.

But my goal is set to 1200, even though I knew I’d have more than that. So yeah, not sure how that works. I don’t expect to lose weight, and that’s okay. As long as I’m active for at least a half-hour most days

I got up shortly before 11:00 AM and put it on a couple of hours later. So in the 12 hours I’ve been wearing it I’ve accumulated 7474 steps and 41 minutes of activity. My heart peaked at 126. Made a quick drop to 70 but that’s no doubt when I took it off of my wrist to transfer it to my ankle. I’ll be sure to hit 10K steps before bed.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 9, 2020 Ordered some tracing paper to make nail sticker templates for the ones that are too big for my nails. I’ll trace some of the ones that fit and those will be my templates so I can cut the bigger ones to the proper size.

Really like some of the bands they have for the Versa. Fell in love with this rainbow band but I fell even harder for a rose-gold band I found with shiny “diamonds” embedded in it. Makes it look less sporty and more feminine. It also has a clasp that I think will be easier to get on and off. It’s beautiful and definitely more like jewelry and a fancy watch than anything else. But it’s not just about looks for me. I’m so excited to get using it! We went through the online user guide to get a head start in getting familiar with it for when it comes on the 11th.

I picked out what songs I want to load on it. I’m thinking I’ll put it on my right wrist even though it may be harder to get on and off that way because that’s the side my hearing ear is on. They say it’s waterproof, but I really don’t want to wear it in the shower.

Now if only I could stop breaking things and my hip would get better. As I was going out the screen door in back, which is getting kind of ancient, part of the metal frame in the center popped off but Tom was able to put it back on in no time.

My hip problem could still be the sciatic nerve or arthritis but now we’re wondering about a damaged hip flexor. I did some stretching exercises and I’m hoping that will help.

He began working on the back corner and will soon be removing the little fence back there so long as nothing else breaks to take his time away from it. He thinks he can be done in time for the bulk trash collection.

When I looked out front earlier, I noticed that Nancy was parked in the driveway. The garage door was open but there was no sign of their SUV. I’m thinking they got rid of it. I just hope she stays there while we’re still here! I thought of going over to show my support but not with the virus still going around and not knowing if she’s even up to having company to begin with.

Dixie invited me down yesterday evening, but I told her it was still not a good time for me. She left a voice message earlier today saying that her computer is broken so call if I want to talk. I texted her back, but I don’t know if she got the message. Monday or Tuesday evening I should be able to get down there. Plus, I can start taking the bike out in the evening.

With all the delays at the post office, thanks to the fucking virus, I’m starting to think our spit isn’t going to make it to 23andMe this month.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 8, 2020 A father-and-son team came out and fixed the clog in the kitchen sink. It’s nice that it only costs $176 since most places want more, but it still seems a bit extreme for a simple job but didn’t even take a half hour. He just vacuumed out the excess water, opened the pipe, and sent his motorized snake down the drain.

It probably was my fault after all as he mentioned eggshells being good for disposals but bad for drains and I definitely put some eggshells down lately. Potatoes are another bad thing as I’ve known for a while now, but we’re just not going to bother using them anymore. Garbage disposals are always a problem. I can just scrape any leftover food off the plate and into the trash. I’ve got some new colorful sink strainers on the way in pink, yellow, blue and orange.

I just wish our shit would stop breaking. The next thing to break was the motor on the coded lock on the back door. I sensed it was broken very strongly and told him so before he discovered that was the case by running some tests. Just a feeling that came to me. So he’s ordered yet another part for that which is another $50.

Starting to see a familiar and frustrating pattern here as I remember the breakage curse that seemed to be on us in Arizona where things were constantly breaking, big and small.

Another frustrating thing was that when I was finally able to clean up the kitchen and put things away, I cut myself on the slicer when loading up the dishwasher. Cut myself deeper than I have in ages, but we managed to put a Band-Aid on it and get it under control. It started bleeding again when I removed the Band-Aid and took a shower, so I re-bandaged it and it’s better today.

Yesterday I had better energy than I’ve had in a while but today I’m tired. It totally fucking figures, too. I knew I would be. I knew I would have trouble sleeping because I had so much energy yesterday. It took 2 Calms Forte to knock me out and I woke up a lot along the way so that’s why I feel anything but rested today.

The fucking cock across the street is back to sawing again. The dark pickup has been there instead of the gold van so I don’t know if it’s Dahl or his son (couldn’t see that deep into the carport at this angle) but today was the second day in a row and once again I want to confront the bastard. But also once again, Tom’s paranoia has me hesitant because of the timing, so he says. He says that because he’s going to be making his own racket putting up the new fence and using the power hose, it wouldn’t be a good time to say anything.

First of all, his power tools are nowhere near as loud as that fucking saw. Second of all, the cock isn’t going to hear his tools inside his house like I can hear his in here, especially when the fence is on the other side of the house. It’s just his reluctance to complain on neighbors that he’s always had.

I do understand his concerns to a degree. I didn’t know I was going to be counter-complained on for being encouraged to come down and swear out a complaint against the loud car. Then complained on again when I “anonymously” complained. People in the West really do hate it when you complain. So it’s tough either way. It sucks having to sit back and quietly take shit, but you can’t speak out about it either without some kind of harassment for it. I mean look at Phoenix. I always thought that the pigs acted on actions and not words because that only made sense, yet they sure did make a whole lot out of nothing in the end, didn’t they?

It still blows my mind how often I hear sawing around here. Even I never would have believed it and would have laughed had someone told me that every 5-6 houses would be wielding the damn things. On just this circle alone that I know of, there was Bob who used to do that, the contractor that moved a few years ago, someone down toward Dixie’s place, someone in back that even Andy saw when he was here and out walking with us, and now this little cock. Definitely not what retirement communities were about when my parents were in them and I’d be willing to bet they never heard a single motorcycle either.

I’m not stupid. I know the 3-month temporary place isn’t going to be so temporary. We always get stuck in places for longer than we want. Always. Oh, it may not be for the eight years we’ll be here, the six years we were in Phoenix or the five years in Auburn, but I’m sure those few months will end up being at least a year. That’s why it’s really important to get the money’s worth out of the realtor we hire to try to get the quietest place possible so that when they’re sawing there as well, since this is obviously what retirement communities have come to, and they’re zooming by on motorcycles, it won’t be as noticeable as it is here.

I can’t wait to get back out into the country and put some space between us and others! I am so sick of people and the racket they make.

Our new Fitbits are on the way! His is black and mine will be what’s called pedal which is a peachy pink of sorts.

I put the silver metallic nails on, but they sucked, and I had to remove them. They were too big and thick and had creases in them. I now have green glitter strips on.

Haven’t heard from Kim in a few days and neither has Aly. She thinks she might be being temporarily ghosted for refusing to contact June for her, but I think that because I haven’t heard from her either she probably got caught. I’m sure she’ll find a way back on, though, within a week if even that.

Had this really bizarre dream where I was in my bedroom. It sort of looked like this bedroom even though it wasn’t. I sat on the floor at the far end of the room and pulled a couple of dolls off the nearby bed. I took hold of one of them and spread its legs and began to rub its crotch. I began to feel totally turned on and lay on my back. I was by the wall and the floor was cold even though it was carpeted so I knew it was cold outdoors. I became even hornier and woke up with my heart pounding as I was beginning to slide my pants down, totally turned on by this cheap plastic doll that didn’t seem much bigger than a Barbie.

Strange. Just strange.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 7, 2020 He tried all different things to fix the sink to no avail so we’re having a company come out sometime between 10 and noon and it isn’t Roto-Rooter. They claim their rates are a lot cheaper, so we’ll see. As long as they fix it right!

He got a new pipe and drain for the non-disposal side but it’s looking like we won’t have to replace the sink. Good. I would prefer not to in this place because then it’s mostly going to end up being for someone else since we’re not even going to be here for another year. Normally I’d like one big sink but the dividers are good for the pigs because then I can just shift any dishes over to one side, clean out the other side, and put the pigs in there when I’m cleaning their cage and they need a quick bath. They’re enough work as it is and again I have to trim their fucking nails. Fortunately, today isn’t a pet care day other than feeding them and stopping to pat some heads.

I’ve always preferred porcelain to stainless steel because there’s always this whitish film that builds up in stainless steel sinks that I never seem to be able to get rid of no matter what cleaning products I try. So the 37-year-old sink gets to stay for now. We would do a complete kitchen remodel if we were staying, but of course we’re not. There isn’t much that doesn’t need to be updated in this place. The roof may last for a while but other than the bathroom sinks and toilets, everything needs to be redone. The kitchen appliances and washer are new enough, but the dryer is ancient.

While Tom was working yesterday, I had the doors open. When I went to shake the duster out the front door because I had been dusting the living room, I saw movement behind the hedges and for a second I thought it was Bob. I called out hello and the guy said hello back and, “You’re Jodi, right?”

He introduced himself as Mike and I asked how his parents were doing. That’s when he told me that eight or nine days ago Bob died around 1 in the morning. :-( So the poor guy suffered through radiation for nothing.

Mike said he’s going back to his home in Southern California this weekend but that his brother and sister would be around to spend time with Virginia. He said she’s doing well but I didn’t ask if she planned to stay. I didn’t think it would be the time or my place to ask that. I’m so sorry for her and I can just imagine the immense depression she must be feeling now! :-( They’ve lived here for 32 years and have probably been married twice as long as Tom and I have. I can’t imagine how I could ever possibly go on without him but at least she has kids to help her. I hope she doesn’t leave before we do, but I guess it’s going to depend on how needy she is for help and if she can stand to stay there with all the memories and all that. She may be moved to an assisted care place or in with relatives.

Couldn’t help but remember how I said to Tom right after Bob told Tom of his diagnosis how I feared he’d be gone by August and the place on the market by Christmas. And the bad feeling that “blew through” the front door two days ago when I opened it.

His spirit? Just negative energy due to the sadness of his loss radiating from over there?

sighs Can’t I be psychic in less worthless ways than knowing the timeframe of when my neighbor is going to die? How about being able to bust through clogs, pick winning lottery numbers, and things like that?

His son trimmed and blew weeds which, like his dad, took him forever. Then I saw Bob and Virginia’s SUV parked on the street, but I don’t know if it’s been moved or is now back in the garage. Can’t imagine Virginia ever driving again. If that’s true, then I don’t see how she could stay here unless someone moves in with her. This place has a walking score of just 8. The nearest bus stop is miles away.

Can’t find the obit but I guess it’s too soon. Pretty sad that they’ll air out your dirty laundry if you break the law (or are falsely accused of doing so) for free, but your loved ones have to pay to announce your death.

Still getting hit with fatigue too much of the time, so I’m going to tweak my diet a bit and see if that helps. I’ll drink just plain water rather than flavored sparkling water for starters. Slept well last night, though, only waking up twice. Slept a long time again, too.

Replied to Kim’s 2-day-old message and have resolved to reply every two to three days. Nothing short of death will keep her offline anyway, and I don’t feel the need to totally ghost her at this time even if I should.

I guess Cam’s already making enemies training to be a CO because he refuses to be quiet about some of the guards coughing in teens’ faces. I guess he got transferred to some courthouse but he’s going along with the transfer for now so he doesn’t get fired.

I’d have been too selfish to care. Life is all about survival and looking out for ourselves. If it doesn’t affect me directly then I don’t say shit. I wouldn’t have said anything about the kids living in back had it not been for one of them having an insanely loud car.

Speaking of that, this has been the longest I’ve gone without hearing that bastard. It’s gotta be dead, in jail, or have moved.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 6, 2020 I really fucked things up big time by clogging the kitchen sink up. Tom says don’t worry about it, he’s broken things before too, etc.

But it still sucks because it’s more money and time that could go into other things.

He thought the drain opener would be the fix, but nope. Then he took apart the pipe under the sink and snaked out the clog that way. Then the pipe broke, and he was trying to seal it with a rubber spray that smells absolutely horrible even with the doors and kitchen window open. He came to suspect we may have to replace the entire sink. I’ve always preferred to have one big sink rather than two separate sides but would have liked to do this wherever we end up settling. We picked out a sink and faucet for $150, but first he’s going to try to replace the pipe and drain for just $35. It’s still going to be a lot of work. He’s definitely not happy with how huge a job it’s going to be when he had other plans, and I don’t blame him. At least if the sink does need replacing, the timing is good because they’re doing bulk pickup on the 12th. It’d be one seriously heavy MF since it’s porcelain with a cast iron bottom. The stainless steels are much lighter.

On top of that, Alexa is messed up. At least the one in the bedroom is. I have it in brief response mode yet she’s back to saying “okay” when I command her to do things. She was also having trouble reading my book. We discovered that somehow, that device got switched to the wrong account.

How the hell do these things happen?

No sign of Dahl or his van lately. Been seeing other vehicles there instead. Given how quiet it’s been there for a couple of weeks now, I wonder if something happened to him. But if it did, that doesn’t explain the absence of the van unless he got in an accident.

Yesterday I got so damn tired that I worried I had somehow become diabetic but when we tested me a couple of hours after my last meal, my blood sugar was 91. That was such a relief to know that it actually perked me up. We thought it would be around 110.

I only needed one Calms Forte to sleep last night and I slept a long time, only waking up once.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 5, 2020 The metallic nails came yesterday. This weekend I’ll put on the silver set. If I like how it looks, I’ll wear the gold ones when I wear my teal dress with gold accents when I see Dr. A in October. Not sure that one’s going to be turned into a video appointment. If it is, I’ll wear that dress and those nails to my final ENT appointment.

I have the next few weekends picked out. Silver metallics this weekend, green glitter the next, and red solids with red stripes against white accents the next.

The kitchen sink drain is pretty clogged up so we’re hoping that when Walmart delivers groceries in a few hours along with some drain opener, it will be enough to bust through the clog.

I was tired early yesterday because I’d been tired all day. At 5:30 yesterday evening I took one Calms Forte pill, but it didn’t do me any good. At around 7, I took another one and was out by 8. I only woke up two times that I remember. Got up to pee around midnight and then I glanced at the clock at 2-something before falling back asleep. Then I got up just after 3. I have okay energy today but I’m not going out walking because my hip is still sore.

Yesterday I was thinking about how I miss having a Fitbit tracker. My old one started having problems and can’t be used so I was thinking of eventually getting a new one. I like the Versa 2. It not only tracks steps, sleep and HR, but I can also talk to Alexa as well and upload up to 300 songs. Even Tom agrees he likes Fitbit better than MorePro. Fitbit is more accurate and in real-time. I also liked being able to share my Fitbit activity with others, so when I get a new one, I’ll share the link to my Fitbit profile, though it may be a while.

I realize that reconnecting with Kim as I did a few years ago means I’m giving her a chance to potentially screw me over again like I gave the termite the chance to do that too many times, but as I said yesterday, there’s an in-between. I have no books for sale for her to mess with and I can always block her if she becomes a problem. I know she’d create fake accounts to contact me from but those would be ignored and or blocked as well.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 4, 2020 Waiting on a Hostess variety pack of cappuccino and hot cocoa K-cups with Twinkies, Snoballs & Ding Dongs flavors. Plus, caramel apple coffee K-cups.

Saw the Floyd bodycam video. Both sides are guilty without a doubt. Floyd was suspected of some crime, high on drugs, and resisting arrest. The pigs, however, have no excuse for keeping a knee on his neck for 11 minutes.

I’ve had serious asthma attacks before, and yes, you really can have enough oxygen to shout out here and there but not enough to support the body. The thug should have been thrown in jail and given his day in court. Not killed. The pigs should be charged with at least manslaughter because I can’t say that it was premeditated and that they consciously chose their end goal to be murder.

Shortly after I began my walk yesterday, I noticed what may or may not be my sciatic nerve acting up again, and where I should have shortened my walk, I did my usual half-hour mix of walking and jogging and ended up aggravating it even more. It hurt all day yesterday when I walked or when I would lie on that side. Not sure it’s my sciatic nerve, though, since Tom describes it as a pain that is not only excruciating but that doesn’t stay in one place. For me, it’s right above the hip joint only and I wouldn’t describe it as excruciating. It’s a bit painful, especially if I jump up quickly after sitting for a while but nothing that extreme. I’m taking it easy today. I’m tired anyway. Yesterday was my day to be up longer than I would have liked, and I didn’t sleep as well or as long.

We went out to Rite Aid yesterday and got some treats. Then I did more surveys on 23andMe and even took a hearing test. I followed the instructions and thought I did pretty well, yet they said my hearing was below normal. Okay, I get that I’m deaf in one ear, but the good ear has always seemed to more than make up for it.

It hit me that I don’t have to not polish my toenails in order to treat the fungus. The fungus isn’t on the nail surface, so all I have to do is put the Lamisil along the cuticles and as far under the edges of the nails as I can, and it will either work or it won’t. I put nail stickers on the big toes and regular polish on the other toes.

Just like Aly did, I got a quick text from Kim asking how I was and that we had a stick to texts for now. There really is no keeping this sicko offline, is there? It always finds a way on. I realized, however, that there really is an in-between when it comes to ghosting her vs. going back and forth with her every single day, and that’s what I started to do where I would only check in a couple of times a week. Decided to leave a voice message because I also realize that just because I’m likely to receive 10 minutes’ worth of repetitive rambling voice messages in return, that doesn’t mean I have to listen to them all. Especially when I know damn well what she’s going to say.

As I told Aly, who says she’s gotten worse with age, her June fixation really is nothing new. Remember, she obsessively stalked and harassed the shit out of me too, from something like 2010-2015, just in different ways and for different reasons. She’s sick. Plain and simple. There really isn’t any getting around that, cruel-sounding or not. This isn’t just someone with learning disabilities and memory issues. It’s someone that’s truly sick in the head. The kind that may actually kill her victims if she had the mentality, means, freedom, and the guts to do it.

As long as she never has my address, email addresses, and is never connected to me on Facebook, there’s only so much she could do if she decided to turn on me since it’s so much easier to block people online and on phones than it was a decade ago. It’s just that she could do quite a bit of damage on Facebook before I could stop her if she turned against me, and that includes involving others. I have real friends and relatives on Facebook and I certainly don’t want her reaching out to them just because she was pissed at me, not that I wouldn’t reach out to Carol in return. On any other site, I don’t care what she does.

She’s also been known to abuse email addresses by signing people up for tons of shit and this is by her own admission.

If there was any good to being funny farmed and in a couple of foster homes, it’s that it gives you great hands-on experience with learning about all kinds of crazies.

MONDAY, AUGUST 3, 2020 Luckily for me, I wasn’t up as long as I thought I would be and I’m not tired today either. My sciatic nerve was bothering me yesterday but it’s fine today, so I think I’ll go for my half-hour walk once the sun starts coming up enough to send the skunks to bed. OMG, there was a particular spot I walked by yesterday where the stench of skunk was horrible! Really, really hope they’re not such an issue in Florida.

I also saw what I’m pretty sure was a baby jackrabbit. It was so cute, and it sure ran fast when it saw me coming.

Yesterday I made a homemade smoothie with a banana, blueberries and a pinch of brown sugar, flaxseed and coconut flakes. Today’s smoothie has the same ingredients except that I replaced the blueberries with honeydew melon.

I have quite a decision to make. As of yet, I haven’t gone longer than 10 weeks of consistently taking my medication before I start to feel a little anxious. It’s been just over 6 weeks since the last time I had to cut my dose, yet labs are a total of 16 weeks away. I don’t think I can go that long without having anxiety as the shit ramps up in my system, so I’m thinking that the week before when I have 6 weeks to go, I’m going to cut doses no matter how I feel. Monday, Wednesday and Friday I’ll cut my waiting time in half. On Tuesday and Thursday, I’ll cut the pill in half. That random picture you see on Twitter if you’re following me there…that’s posted after I get up and pee, take my meds, then begin the half-hour wait until I can have my coffee.

I want my numbers to be as good as possible, so that’s what I’m going to do with my medication, and also, a few days before the lab, I’ll cut as much cholesterol out as I can. I hate to replace it with pasta and bread, but I need to have something filling even if it’ll put a pound or two on me even in just a few days. Saw they have that Impossible beef at Walmart, so I may try it even though it’s a bit expensive.

Well, that didn’t take long. Not surprisingly, Aly received a message saying, “Can we talk?” from the 860 area code which is Connecticut. It came from an internet number. I figured Kim would find a way to reach out to her soon enough. There really is no keeping her offline.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 2, 2020 I slept well and awoke with good energy. Let me guess…this means I’ll be up 18 hours or more and will be exhausted tomorrow, right?

Because it’s cheaper on the weekend, we set the main AC to 78 but I’m going to bump it back up to 80. 78 makes it too chilly in here early in the morning. When it’s set at 80, the room I spend most of my time in stays between 77-78 which is perfect for me.

I hope today is more peaceful. Yesterday was like old times and I almost wished we were locked down again. Lots of loud traffic, landscaping, and Santa’s yapping mutt that just can’t shut up whether it’s sitting outside their place or being walked.

He cleaned up and brought in the bike yesterday, so now we have the bike, the treadmill, the Bowflex and the skier. Of course I have my Pilates ring too. We have plenty of variety although my favorite is outdoor cardio. I’m going to be heading out right before the sun jumps up over the horizon. I split up my Bowflex exercises where I work my arms and core a little at a time over a 4-day period because strength training to me is just so damn boring. Tom laughed at that and said that being bored for 20 minutes is nothing compared to all day long when he was working.

Well, he’ll be working hard on installing the new fence just as soon as all the parts get here.

Our spit is now at the post office down in Los Angeles. it should be delivered to 23andMe’s lab tomorrow, but it can take about a month to get the results.

Really didn’t like the ocean nail stickers so I put one of the gradients on. Silver on one side, grayish-black on the other.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 1, 2020 And so it’s August. One more month until the hours of about 5 p.m. to 8 a.m. that are mostly peaceful get cut to 12:30 a.m. to 5:40 a.m. if the planes hold true to the schedule they’ve been on since 2018. Still hear a bunch of small planes and helicopters that can get annoying at times, but the commercials are going to make me want to scream soon enough. The sound of the freeway should be trickling back by the end of the month as well.

Why are so many people ashamed and embarrassed to grow old? All my life I’ve seen younger people tease older people about aging and I never understood why. Do they think they’re exempt from growing old someday as well? Maybe it’s just me but I’ve never been ashamed or embarrassed about getting older. Frustrated at times with the problems it often brings, but I’m otherwise proud because each year that I live is one more year I’ve survived this shitty world. So go ahead and laugh at my wrinkled hands. Laugh at my age spots. Laugh at my gray roots. Laugh at the fat rolls you call curves because it’s somehow kinder, less shameful, and politically correct, at least according to most people. In the end, I’m still alive and I’m still happy with all I’ve learned and experienced even if some of it was anything but fun.

Still nothing from Kim. I’m guessing Aly will eventually talk to her because she’s more tolerant and forgiving than I am, but I’ve decided I’m probably just gonna ghost her. She simply lies way too much. The foundation of any friendship has to be built on trust and honesty. If you don’t have that then you don’t have a friendship. Never have I or will I wake up one day and say to myself, “Hey, I want a habitual liar in my life. Yeah, dishonesty is just what I need.”

I’ve never cared for those who have no empathy unless it affects them, who feel the world owes them, and who think everyone envies them because they’re supposedly oh-so-special. Many people would envy me in some ways since I don’t have to work, have a guy like Tom, an okay amount of money, and whatever, but that doesn’t mean I think I’m special. It just means I got lucky in some ways just like I’m unlucky in others. Oh, there’s definitely nothing lucky, special, or glamorous about CRD.

Speaking of work, Tom got both good and bad news regarding the government job. The good is that they’re holding off on interviewing people in person because of the virus. He definitely would prefer not to work because he really wants to get into programming and other things, even though he’ll have to take the job if they give it to him (or any other job). It’s too soon for him to go into full retirement unless we were in a cheaper place. He may still work part-time for the next few years either way, even though he’s always hated working because the jobs require you to be at a certain place, at a certain time, and do things in certain ways. Like most people, a little more independence is preferred.

The bad news is that he was chosen for an interview. This job would be a shitload of money and just about the best benefits you could ever have. We both agreed that unless he lands a job that could really alter our lives for the better and really open up our moving options, we’re out of here next year. Seriously, it would have to be some incredibly amazing job to delay the move. Not necessarily a job that could get us a place in Hawaii but a place within walking distance of the beach in Florida or something like that. It wouldn’t surprise me if something happened to delay the move, but I also can’t see us being that lucky financially.

We agree we’re well-off enough right now and it was so funny because he was actually trying to “flunk” the video interview by giving dumb and silly answers. Some of the examples he gave me earlier had me laughing so hard I hurt his ears. Something about what software he would use in past jobs to keep track of inventory and he said, “Well, I just looked to see what was there.”

I forgot to say when I was looking up my maiden name that yes, most people with that name have been in New York. They’re all over the country, including California, but mostly New York. Pretty sure my great-grandparents entered New York which was the main port of entry back then.

Tom is going to bring in the bike stand and the old bike I used in Oregon since it’s a 24in-wheel to get more cardio that way since it’s too hot to be out for that long during the daytime. That’s why I’m going out either at night or early in the morning. He likes biking better than the treadmill. To me, the bike is boring as fuck if it isn’t outdoors.

Yesterday morning’s walk was surprisingly chilly. It was 62° yet it felt like 50. As I was passing by the RV lot, I remembered the email from Linda that Dixie forwarded to me about the problems with people climbing the fence into the lot and stealing catalytic converters and even solar panels off of one of the RVs. There are sections of the lot that can’t be seen by other houses or people driving by, so it would be easy to do.

Tom saw 2 cop cars head down the street yesterday but they were only there for a few minutes which suggests they may have come to do a wellness check because you would think it would take longer to fill out a police report if a crime had been committed.

They’ve joined the new house, and someone is definitely living with Bob and Virginia. I haven’t seen either one of them out and about on foot or in their vehicle for a few weeks now which can’t be good. I just hope we get out of here while they’re still alive!

Decided to treat my toenails with Lamisil and see what happens. My fingernails are also looking worse again but not the lifting. The discoloration, especially in the thumbs, has darkened. So the lifting needed the calcium supplements I’ve been taking, and the discoloration is probably the fungus the pharmacist told me it was and that I’ve suspected was the case. If I can get off my nail strip obsession for a while, I can go back to treating that as well because it did seem to help. Maybe after my October appointment with Doc A.

I’m not all that impressed with the ocean nail stickers because even with my nails longer, you can’t see as much of the image to know what it is. If I didn’t know any better, I may think it was some random abstract design.

Had good energy yesterday but today I’m tired. I knew I would be. Even so, I’m managing to tackle the laundry and later we’ll slave over the damn pigs.

Dixie left a message yesterday evening inviting me to come down and visit with her out front but I told her in an email that I’m off-schedule now and will let her know when I can get down to see her.

Going to pull the clothes out of the dryer now. I had to wait for them to cool down because heat melts adhesive and causes my nail strips to lift.

[aprikosengamine]

All My Ships

(with some added context sometimes)

Claire Kincaid x Jack Mccoy (Law and Order), tbh this was the first relationship I saw that made me have butterflies and squealy feelings after something bad happened to me, and made me think about entering another relationship some day. They just had this chemistry and the looks they gave each other, i hate it was never officially confirmed expect maybe in like season 9, but tbh I've never watched past a bit of season 7 cause Claire was my OG, my fashion inspo, my raison d'être.

Sybil Crawley x Tom Branson (Downton Abbey), the way they killed her off, absolutely heartbreaking I've never managed to fully watch that episode again. They deserve to be happy in Ireland with all the babies they want and her career, with the perfect husband who backs her up whenever.

Hermione Granger x Fred Weasley (Harry Potter), I can't even remember why I started liking these two, it was so long ago probably came across a fanedit or a fic by accident. I just love the funny one and serious one matching, and finding that they're actually more similar than you think. But a PSA to everyone interested in this ship, writers sometimes don't say if Fred lives or dies in their fics and getting to the end thinking these sweet characters who love each other are going to get through this with the author being pretty unclear about the final battle only to be hit with "it's been two months since Fred's death" BOOOO!!!

JJ x Spencer Reid (Criminal Minds), specifically in fics where she doesn't get in a relationship with Will, or it doesn't get to the point where they have Henry, not a huge fan of the honorary uncle/aunt then becoming the kid's stepparent trope. I also don't like to watch the show much anymore bc I worked in that field and when it's real on your desk everyday, watching that mixed with the sappy family stuff (also garcia, not a fan) is not enjoyable anymore.

Ellie Bishop x Nick Torres (NCIS), thank god a lot of their episodes were after Abby left, no offense to Abby lovers but dear god she's pushing 50 at the end, act like it??? I think I'm just into hot people bantering with each other.

Keeley Jones x Jamie Tartt or Roy Kent (Ted Lasso), we only saw J&K together at the beginning when he was more of a prick, but the new and improved Jamie I think could be a good match bc they have similar personalities. I liked Roy and Keeley together, they were really different but a lot of what each other needed. I loved pretty much everybody in that show, except Nate. Nate can go fuck himself.

Emily Rhodes x Aaron Shore (Designated Survivor), ok maybe it is just workplace romances, these guys had some banter, on opposite sides of issues, but why did the writers decide nah we're just playing she's going with Seth, no real buildup on that.

In summary: Workplaces romances, or romances that occur when two people are forced to be in the same environment. I've never had an office fling, all the men were way older than me and in much higher positions, the few that weren't yeah no thanks, or like a summer camp forced encounter thing but I live vicariously through these people having to be professional in public and absolutely smitten in private and seeing it melt through. I'm also sucker for the guy loves her more and realizes before she does.

These aren't all the ships I've liked in my life. I was in middle school during this site's most infamous shipping thing, can you guys guess what I was reading on my phone after I was supposed to be asleep? Here's an abridged list of some of the ships I've liked over the past 10ish years doing this: Sherlock/John Watson, Destiel, Doctor(10)/Rose, Dan/Phil, and those are just the really big ones that made it through the preteen fugue state, I do get a mini heart attack every time someone in my day-to-day life mentions any of these expect doctor who.

[whats-up-gamerz]

Playtesting! Using Feedback to Improve

As a playtester, what was your experience? Which project did you playtest? (provide a brief description)

I playtested the Universal Protocol game, used to learn the protocol used by medical staff to ensure surgeries are done on the right people in the right spots. It was interesting being a playtester and knowing someone was watching my interactions with the game. That said, it wasn’t hard to still play as myself and enjoy the experience as I would without being observed, I think, since the game content was rather dry (as, frankly all of our learning objectives are. My group is the APA 7th edition citations group, after all! Ha!)

Were you tested synchronously or asynchronously?

I was tested synchronously.

What did you learn from playtesting the other team's game?

I learned about how you should mark the proper site for surgery with your initials and not an X, don’t use a water soluble marker, and double check information such as the patient’s name, surgery, and surgery site beforehand while they are aware and awake.

How could your playtesting experience have been improved?

Perhaps a chance to read what universal protocol was beforehand. I was guessing for all answers since I have not studied in the medical field before.

As the one administering the playtest, what was your experience?

For synchronous tests: Before beginning and starting the timer, I told players upfront that I would be a silent observer and to feel free to please voice their thoughts and questions out loud. I made a point of not correcting or interacting with the players unless they thought the prototype was over before the Prototype Over screen showed. Players accessed the game on their screen and played through the levels as I took notes. Afterwards, I noted the time and gave the players the followup survey.

For the asynchronous test: I sent a message stating that the player should use a timer to time their gameplay. I told this player there would be a “END OF PROTOTYPE” message at the end of the game. When done, I told the player to complete the survey.

Did you administer synchronously or asynchronously?

Both synchronously and asynchronously.

What did you learn from administering the playtests?

So much! I will say, observing was HUGE in gathering information on how the players approached different parts of the game. I was really pleased with the range of information I got from my players- I had an avid gamer who is very much motivated by achievement and challenge, an ELL casual gamer who has taken this course and by playing showed so many areas for improvement and offered amazing feedback... honestly, I wish my asynchronous testing has been synchronous too! The observations show so much.

As for specific points, here are a few in bullet point form:

ELL AND HIDDEN ASSESSMENT: By observeing one of the playtester, I realized that there was a hidden unintended assessment in our game on high level English language skills. While some parts of this are due to the nature of citations, certainly some of it we can address with better design. Doing another pass on the newspaper to add whitespace and visuals, removing some of the unnecessary high level vocabulary, and filling out the HELP screen with scroll, highlight, and hover functionalities (i.e. hovering or clicking on F. M. explains that it means First Middle for the initials) would go a long way

NARRATIVE PULL: All players seemed very interested in the narrative and one specifically requested more mysteries and information on Dr. Binici

PASSLOCK SCREEN: One player thought the “INCORRECT” on the passlock screen was a permanent result and could not be fixed. Changing this to “TRY AGAIN” or just a short flash of INCORRECT would help this!

CHALLENGE AND HELP: One playtester refused to use the HELP function on the basis of wanting a challenge. Thus adding to previously discussed idea of a “forced HELP popup” that moves the OPurdue Owl window up in front of the password entry, with the specific citation style highlighted, would be important.

What could you improve if you were to playtest again?

Well, recording the asynchronous play would be helpful, so I can watch it take place. Frankly, I would want to take the time to make another iteration of the prototype before another playtest. This one is so, so, SO barebones due to the time constrictions (all of us are students and have fulltime work!) that there are more features I would want to put in to try out before the next test, such as more icons/easter eggs on the desktop and a different style of CLUES question from a later level.

[spicyvampire]

There is like 20 different definitions for that word on the merriam-webster but like it truly got a new meaning in the last decade or so but these are like my favorite ones and those that I think kinda fit what I'm saying

Like free on the internet is such a relative word now cuz is anything really free? From a user pov??

Now a days you can go to a website and they can directly just ask you to pay to see their content, this is the regular paywall people are used to but that's not the only way something can be seen as not free on the internet

If you go on a web page to idk look up a recipe and they immediately says the website uses cookies, the information on that site is not free just cuz u can click the little consent tingie and have access to the recipe, because they are getting your data in exchange, like a lot websites you can't even refuse the cookies because they HAVE to take at least the basic so the website will work, same thing if they ask for your location, it just it's not free if something from you is getting collected in exchange of you getting the information you need

Now there is more subtle stuff to this, like ads, like technically you are not giving anything to the website that features ads directly, but somebody is giving that website money so they can show you those ads that might eventually make you buy their stuff, this makes the website again not goddamn free because it's taking the attention you should be focusing on finding or reading that recipe and forcing you to pay attention to this random shit you don't care about, so it cost you something in return other than being another view on the website for the website owner, you are giving these companies who paid the the website owner your attention via this random ass website whether you want it or not

An even more subtle version of this is when the person who created the content is plugging a product themselves in the video instead of having an automated ad, again not only are you are being sold something but the person creating the content is selling YOU and your attention to the companies they are advertising for, your own money might not be involved in this but money about you is involved anyways

And then the one where content are being given to some people first because they paid for it to then be made free, I think this one is just the hardest for people to understand for some reason simply because if it get published afterwards then it's free, huh no it's not, money was involved in the process at one point, some people got to pay to have the content first, the minute that happened it is not free anyone, for it to have been free the whole time nobody should have paid money for it, like on top of that, especially with YouTube, the content that is released for free is often modified and is not even the same as what the paetrons got to see, like the video is shorter on the version they made "free" on YouTube and there is a bunch of ads in them while the paetrons' version is adless or the paetrons got not only to see it in advance but also got behind the scenes and a bunch of other extra stuff that I can't think of rn cuz it's 8am, my point is that whole situation make the thing not free, because not everyone got to see the same thing at the same time and got treated the same way, the content was restricted and obstructed for some people for a period of time, which makes it not free even if it gets "given" for "free" afterwards

Anyways I think people need to rethink their definitions of what make something free, because on the internet, that shit basically doesn't exist anymore and a lot more people need to start realizing this

Some people just don't seem to understand the word Free in the day and age of internet

[salthaven]

Of Patience and Pettiness- P1

Chapter One

    Marinette Dupain-Cheng has always been a patient girl. She has to be, at this point. With the crazy world she lives in, where an angry butterfly man preys on people’s emotions in order to create sentient monsters- and, what's more, she’s the only one who can reverse the damage said monsters cause- she’s accepted that she needs to stay calm as much as she possibly can. And, so far, Marinette has maintained her peace. She’s done great! After years of dealing with Chloé, Marinette likes to think that she’s a master of keeping a cool, collected mindset.

    Then Lila Rossi came along. And on her first day, Lila Rossi made Marinette so mad that she screamed at Lila as Ladybug. Freaking Ladybug, who could put up with anything and then some! Needless to say, Marinette wasn’t sad to see Lila disappear from school after her first day.

    But then she came back. 

Lila came back, and due to her ‘tinnitus,’ Marinette got pushed to the back. And that was the beginning of a downhill slope. Throughout the day, Lila lied more and more, going so far as to make Marinette seem like the bad guy when Marinette tried to call her out on her lies. Then Lila threatened Marinette in the bathroom, saying that she’d ruin Marinette’s life and take all of her friends. Marinette had nearly been Akumatized due to that, but with Tikki’s help, pushed away her negativity. Then Chameleon happened, and Marinette, being as patient as always, walked away at the end of the day doubting that her friends would leave her for a liar.

But here Marinette is, a week later, seeing her life come crashing down around her. Despite gaining her seat back in class, Lila had managed to take her place in her classmates’ hearts.

Including Alya’s.

    Marinette sits on her chaise, staring at her phone. Exhausted from an Akuma battle, Marinette had been content to just lay back and watch funny cat videos for a while.

    Then she’d seen the notification on the LadyBlog. Curious, Marinette clicked on it, assuming that it’d be the footage from the battle.

    Instead, Marinette is greeted with the title, ‘My new BFF is Ladybug’s BFF! (Not clickbait!!)’ 

    She watches the whole video. All fourteen minutes of Lila talking about how close she and Ladybug are. Marinette feels disgusted. Not only due to Alya’s sudden change in loyalties, but in the lack of source checking. Alya is a journalist, she should know to check for misconceptions and straight up lies!

    Marinette glares at the screen, so angry that she doesn’t hear Tikki’s cries for her to calm down. She’s so blindsided by her rage that she doesn’t see the purple butterfly as it slips into her phone.

    “Miss treated,” Hawkmoth says, voice comforting. “I am Hawkmoth, and I can see your suffering. I will grant you the ability to expose the lies which have hurt you, to seek out those who are false and bring them to justice, and in return, you will-”

    “Bring you Ladybug and Chat Noir’s Miraculous? Yeah, I’ll have to pass.” Marinette stands her ground, scowling at the purple outline that she sees in front of her face. She feels a hint of amusement when Hawkmoth’s confusion hits her. 

    “What?”

    Marinette laughs, and it sounds bitter, even to her. “Listen up, butterfly boy. Revenge may be sweet and all, but I’m not getting it with your help. If there’s going to be justice in this world, it’s going to be the old-fashioned way, sans weird butterfly powers. So au revoir, papillon.” Marinette waves sweetly, still sitting on her chaise, then chucks her phone to the floor. The screen cracks, and the Akuma flies out. 

    Marinette smiles and hops up. “Tikki, spots on!” She transforms quickly and catches the butterfly before it can escape. “Miraculous Ladybug!”

    Two minutes later, Marinette is detransformed and laying back on her chaise, her phone fixed. Looking at the video, Marinette begins to think.

    “Hey, Tikki?” Marinette starts. Tikki looks up from her cookie, face covered in crumbs.

    “What is it, Marinette?” Tikki asks, her wide eyes filled with curiosity.

    “I think I know how to expose Lila.” Marinette grins, and tells Tikki her plans. 

    The tiny goddess beams when Marinette finishes. “Marinette, that sounds wonderful.”

~~~~~

So here’s Of Patience and Pettiness! I felt bad that I haven’t had the time to create updates for either of my fics that I post on here, but I thought you guys may appreciate the story I’ve my making on my ao3 account! (Also, I realized it’s easier for you all to read more salt if I don’t force you to change what site you’re on just to see it! So, here we are!)