#I put it under a readmore. If you read it and get upset it's on you.

[amalg-em]

I think about what the difference is between bad dogs and good dogs. They say there's no bad dogs, only bad owners. That it's all in how you raise them. But other people say some dogs are just broken. They didn't come out right and it's not their fault, but they can never be good.

I know I'm a bad dog. I was made to serve a purpose and I don't serve it. I snarl. I bite. I hear things that scare me and I turn into a reactive mess. No one can fix me now. I'm broken for sure.

But sometimes I wonder if I could have been a good dog. If someone had taken care of me. If the people who owned me and raised me had known what I really was, if they had put me where I fit. Maybe then I could've been a good dog. If someone had taken responsibility for me, had shown me how to be what I was supposed to be - would I have been good? Maybe I wasn't a mistake at the very beginning. Maybe somewhere there is a version of me that is a good dog. That is doing the job it was made for, that is taken care of, that is loved.

There should only be a cage for an animal like me. A cage and a quick, painless death. Humans taking ownership of and rectifying the mistake that allowed me to exist. I am a supposed to be a human, but I am not. I am just a bad dog. If someone could see that, then maybe they could show me mercy. There would be a gentle set of hands taking me to that back room. They would muzzle me first, probably. Once they injected me with the sedative and I was calm, they would soothe me, running soft hands over my fur. Perhaps they would comfort me with words before they injected me the final time. Perhaps they would say sorry. Sorry that humans didn't take better care of me. That someone allowed me to become so broken. That I was forced to keep existing in a world so hostile and painful, when there would never be any hope that I could get better. They'd stay with me to the end, until my heart finally stopped, bearing witness to the malformed, pathetic thing humanity had created, maybe even doing their part to set it right.

Everyone crosses the threshold alone, but some have company to see them to the door. It would be a comfort to have someone there with me. Someone for whom my death would not be an unspeakable horror, the last trauma I managed to inflict in my brief, meaningless life. They would not be tormented by flashbacks of my lifeless body. They might even feel gratitude instead - gratitude that they were allowed to serve such an important role for someone else. Through their presence, they'd ensure I wouldn't have been meaningless, wouldn't be forgotten.

I am a bad dog, through and through. So that won't be my fate. I don't want to be bad, so I will try to find somewhere hidden to lay down and die. Someplace where the scavengers will erase me before anyone finds my body. No one will have to see me die, and no one will have to remember that I lived. There will be no witnesses, no comfort, no reassuring hands to ease my way.

I am a bad dog, so maybe I won't succeed. Maybe my last action on this earth will be to inflict my death on someone else. To make someone else responsible. To step in front of someone else's car, to leave my disgusting body where someone would have to find it. To torture a series of people with the collection, analysis, identification, and disposal of my shame. They will have to call someone who knew me in life. Who saw me snarl and snap. And they will have to look into my dead face with recognition, if it's intact enough - another meaningless pile of roadkill meat. And they will say, yes, that's him. He's finally dead. - as if death could free me or them from the horror fate has ordained.

The only way I will be remembered is with that rictus grin. That twisted posture. Bones and flesh leaping through the skin where they should not. If anyone remembers my face, it will be like that. That deathly image. A too accurate representation of what I was in life: a tragic mistake. The bad dog that should not have been. That would have been prevented had someone spayed and neutered when they should. That would have been better put out of its misery as a pup, or a juvenile, before it grew into a monster with such big teeth and no qualms about using them. A vicious predator without even the tempering balance of nature, mangy, ribs showing, covered in scars that healed pointlessly. This beast will not bear young to pass on its legacy - be thankful.

And in the place where its womb should have been there is only an empty pit, hungering, yearning, with such force as to create a gaping void. A tumor in reverse, draining all the life around it. They will not see the hole in my flesh when they find me. They won't able to recognize the mercy I've granted both myself and them. A world free of me, of my vile and intolerable form, and the abominations I would've given birth to. Instead they will curse my name, call me a coward, for having forced them to acknowledge me in death. I was always an ugly thing. They were always going to hate me for making them see me. But a dead body is so much worse, you see, and it doesn't matter that my existence was a wrong that needed to be righted. It was never about me. I never deserved to live, to feel, to be taken care of, and I never deserved to die. If I had any good in me at all, I would have simply vanished instantaneously, erasing myself from everyone's memories.

But I am not good and never was. I am a bad dog.

[fascinationstreetmp3]

putting this all under a readmore and not tagging i just wanted to put my thoughts down somewhere .. talking about marius and his fans & tw for mentioning csa / sa

personally. i understand that the marius/armand relationship has been a popular part of the book series for decades and it's fictional and yes i get it. but. i dont understand those fans who encounter people who find it purely horrifying or upsetting and then get mad at them for it. just because of how it's framed in the books as a beautiful gothic love story (filtered through both the author's intention & the skewed perspectives of the two characters involved in it) doesn't mean EVERYONE has to romanticise it and it's only babies or idiots or show only fans who "can't handle gothic fiction".

and then the people who try to convince everyone marius is armand's saviour who only ever treated him with love and kindness really confuse me. like, is it a wholesome relationship built on mutual love? or is it abusive and awful AND loving and caring at the same time? aren't the people who deny marius did anything wrong to armand really the ones who can't stomach enjoying gothic romances and have to twist it into something else?

it's a story of a fully grown man, a millenia old vampire, rescuing a teenager from sex slavery by purchasing him for himself, renaming him, showering him with affection, sexually abusing him, genuinely loving him, treating him like a child and an adult and student and son and lover all at the same time, making his entire world revolve around his master, punishing him emotionally and eventually physically whenever he gets too clingy or aggressive. and it's all done, not under just the 'guise' of love, but from a place of genuine love, and that's how both characters see it. it's entirely damaging and fucked up and the aftereffects of it on armand's mind and sense of self are present for centuries, compounded by everything else he went through. he still draws both comfort and pain from thinking about his past now and even tries to partially recreate the dynamic with someone else both in the book (with daniel, armand taking the role of the master; and keeping young 'mortal slaves' for a time) and in the show (with louis, armand taking the role of the slave)

it is a super fucked up relationship & i'm not one of those people who thinks you shouldn't be allowed to enjoy those in fiction. there's a lot of them that appeal to me obviously, and of course everyone has their own boundaries when it comes to that too. AND i know it's not all marius fans or even all marius/armand fans. i literally don't care what people like in fiction and i think we should all just mind our own business honestly

but it's the people who act like they're the only ones who get that it's just a tragic beautiful romance, that nobody else can read apparently, that 'marius haters' are just looking for things to be mad at that make me go ???????

[inkblackorchid]

I was gonna try to keep my mouth shut, but I can't. I just can't. I have to go on another Aki rant because I feel like I'm going to explode. It's about this scene:

This drives me insane and I'm putting this under a readmore. Expect incoherent screaming, all ye who enter here.

Ok. Ok. I have so many issues with this scene. Specifically, with the way it develops later, when Aki's busy trying to figure out how to save a child from being swept up by a storm:

And I just. Look, I think the fact that I already wrote a fic that basically completely turns Aki's reaction here on its head should basically tell you everything. But! But. Allow me to defend why I think this whole scene is one big heap of horseshit, with a bit of analysis of canon and actual evidence to back up my claims and shit.

The thing is, I have seen people give this scene a charitable read. I've seen people be happy for Aki to enjoy freedom from the psychic powers that have given her so much trouble in her life. And the thing is, if this were season one or season two Aki, I would be completely on board with that take. Unfortunately, this scene is preceded by the pre-WRGP arc. But more on that below.

Moreover, I can make an educated guess about what they were going for here (in terms of messaging, because this is a kids' show at the end of the day and messaging is something you have to be properly concerned with when it comes to these). I can imagine it running somewhere along the lines of "you don't need special powers to be a hero". Or even "you can grow past the hurt and/or the mistakes in your life and still become a good person or even a hero". And really, I wish I could believe that take. It's just. The writing simply doesn't add up. I wish it did, but it doesn't.

This is where we get back to the pre-WRGP arc. And not just that, actually, but the timeskip between the dark signers and pre-WRGP arc, too. Because the thing is, the last time we have seen Aki in anguish about her powers on-screen by the time the episodes above (108-109) arrive was during the DS arc, during the duel with her father, which happened during episodes 40-41. 40. to. 41. This was over sixty episodes ago at this point. And after that, that's it. As far as the DS arc is concerned, Aki's conflict about her powers is resolved the second she controls them for the first time when her father tries to interfere in her second duel against Yusei.

(Yeah, remember this moment? That was literally the last time we saw Aki in conflict with her powers.)

And I know some people would argue "but what about the dark signer duel with Misty?". And yes, I get it. Misty does accuse her of having murdered her brother with her powers and Aki gets incredibly (understandably) upset about it. But the thing is, we know that's fake, and during the duel, Aki knows that, too. She goes as far as insisting that there were no casualties at the duel where Misty thinks Toby died.

(Yes, I have screenshot proof for literally every dumb little thing in this show, why do you ask?)

It's only after Misty keeps pushing and backing her into a corner during their duel (and literally gaslighting her) that she begins to believe Misty's version of the events. Which is why this doesn't "count" as Aki being in conflict with her powers the way her second duel with Yusei does. At least not to me, feel free to debate me over this if you wanna.

Okay, but what am I driving at here? Fair question. Let me hop back to after the dark signers' defeat.

So, we know there's a half-year timeskip between the DS and the pre-WRGP arc (which was allegedly enough for NDC to connect the city and Satellite, deal with all the social issues that entailed, and also build a giant duel network, which I will never believe but I digress). Unfortunately, what exactly our main characters did during that timeskip is never addressed, it's just kind of there to segway immediately into the WRGP setup. So the only thing we can do is guess at what they got up to based on where they are as people by the time we get back to them during the start of the pre-WRGP arc. So where's Aki at when we see her again after the dark signers' defeat then?

Oh, she's attending duel academy again now! That's nice. So that probably means the student body isn't scared shitless of her anymore and she's not being ostracised anymore.

Wow, she's an exceptional student! That means she must be a really good duellist. So she got the hang of her powers, then?

...Ah.

Do you start to see my problem? Past the DS arc, we are not being given any indication that Aki is still struggling with her powers or still resents them or herself like she used to. You could be forgiven for thinking that she's healed in the meantime. She's fine. She has accepted herself and can now use her powers safely. Which makes her later claiming "she no longer needs that cursed power" a bit... hmmm. And another thing. The fact that she refers to it as "cursed" rubs me the wrong way. After the defeat of the dark signers, she literally never does that even a single time before the moment in the hospital during the storm. (I'd post all the screenshots to prove it here but for one, tumblr doesn't allow it, and for two, I hope you'll believe I did my due diligence without it.)

And it just irks me. If the powers are still a "curse" to Aki by episodes 108-109, why give us the moment above?

And why give us this moment, where she saves Sherry, Yusei, and herself with those powers?

And why give us this moment, where she literally uses her powers at a public event to protect people, and is evidently not cussed out as a witch for it? Neither of these moments do anything to indicate that Aki still hates her powers. They don't indicate that she sees them as a "beast of burden" or necessary evil of a sort, either. On the contrary, I don't think it would be too out there to claim all these moments make her look rather badass. Like a small celebration of "hey, now she can finally use these powers for cool and not evil things!".

Yet, somehow, we still end up with episodes 108-109, where the writers expect the audience to buy that Aki was secretly still hoping she might eventually be rid of these powers after all. And maybe this would be easier to swallow if there weren't also the fact that they later literally go back on it to add to this confusing mess. Because the thing is, we all know the finale scene after the three-way duel with Sherry where Aki protects them with her powers (which have suddenly reappeared, aha!) again and also finds out she can use these powers to heal. So not only is the framing of Aki suddenly being glad to have lost her powers extremely weird, it's also temporary anyway!

So my question is. What was the point. What was the point of all this if the writers ended up going back on it anyway? Because I want to believe there's a reasonable, charitable explanation that also makes sense with what they show us in terms of Aki's characterisation past the DS arc, but if there is, I cannot for the life of me find it. If anything, this whole thing feels like it completely contradicts itself.

First, they tie up Aki's conflict with her powers with a neat bow after she manages not to hurt her father anymore. Then, they launch into the pre-WRGP arc and blatantly tell us that she can now control them. No questions asked. Indisputable fact, and we get nothing that contradicts that, either. Then, we get a bunch of setup showing her using her powers, too, and what's more, we get other significant players in the cast taking notice of it, too, as though it might become relevant. Because Sherry isn't the only one who gets curious about Aki's powers.

(I will never understand how Placido's hood works together with his horn-thingies and have stopped trying at this point.)

The literal, central antagonists of season 3-4 also take notice of it. Like that means something. Like it'll come up again later. But, well. We know it doesn't.

Instead, she suddenly loses her powers out of nowhere (and we are never given a reason for it, either, which does nothing to make this writing decision seem anymore understandable). And, look. The thing that upsets me most about this isn't even the fact that it feels a little inconsistent with Aki's character post DS arc. If that were the only problem, I could still suspend my disbelief far enough to go along with the idea that she secretly still hated her powers quietly in the background and wanted them gone anyway. What really pisses me off is that it reeks of zero setup and knee-jerk decisions in the writing room ten miles against the wind. If they wanted us to believe Aki's glad to be rid of her powers, why give absolutely no indication that she's at odds with them past episode 41 anymore? Why let her state outright that she can now control them? Why show her on several occasions using them to her own and other people's benefit, the way a hero would? And if her powers are supposed to vanish and it's supposed to make sense, why is there no reason for it? They already used cyborg timetravel at that point, they could have literally come up with any nonsense related to that and it would have probably made at least more sense than just letting her powers vanish for no reason at all. Also, if the message behind all this is supposed to be either of the things I mentioned way above—if the idea the audience is supposed to be getting is either "you don't need special powers to be a hero" or "your past and/or your mistakes don't define you and you can heal and grow past them"—why reintroduce the powers, which, in this reading, would be a symbol of Aki's pain, of her mistakes and her dreaded past, at the very end, during the finale, then? It just doesn't add up, and it frustrates me to no end.

The writers wanted to make the moment Aki realises she can help people (well, one person, a child) without her powers seem triumphant so bad, but every time I watch it, it just completely falls flat for me. This isn't a triumph, this is a hot mess of bad writing decisions. All I'm saying is, if they wanted me to buy that Aki would be happy about losing her powers here, they were missing a hefty amount of setup and also shouldn't actually have given them back to her during the finale (no, not even as healing powers).

Moreover... I'll freely admit I also have a personal problem with this scene. I've seen this show and these episodes several times by now, and during my last rewatch and my current one, something about this scene has been creeping up on me, and I think I've figured out what that is now. So I talked about the possible message behind this scene already, and the reading I've given so far was fairly forgiving. But the thing is, there is another reading that has occurred to me that I can't unsee anymore. As much as you could make a valid case that this scene is trying to say that people don't need to be special to be heroes and save others, that past mistakes don't define us, and yadda yadda, there's also a much, much less pleasant way to interpret this scene: "You're better off if you don't stand out." And I'll freely admit, this interpretation probably occurs to me specifically because I was considered a "weird kid" at school, singled out by bullies, and avoided by "popular" kids (take a wild guess why I relate to Aki so much!). And over the years, you learn to downplay that "weirdness" because you become desperate to be accepted by someone, anyone. And given everything the show gives us about Aki's relationship with her powers, it'd make sense that this idea would be buried somewhere in her head, too. It's better not to stand out. Don't be weird. Sand down your edges so there's no chance people could get upset about them. You're better off being whatever everyone else considers "normal" than being whoever you are. It doesn't matter if this is a part of who you are, just become someone else. Someone who's easier to accept. Who's easier to love. You don't need your "weirdness".

You don't need this cursed power.

You know, the "cursed power" that Aki had from the beginning of the show, that was a part of her for years, and that the show didn't give any indication could vanish. The power that we were led to believe would just be there forever, because it was simply a part of Aki, not a conscious thing she (or the narrative) could choose. The power that we were, for all intents and purposes, led to believe she had mastered and maybe even accepted along the way. But sure, let's get rid of that. It's better if she's """normal""". And more convenient for the writers, too! After all, if she doesn't have powers anymore, they can't cause plotholes (of which the WRGP already has enough) and can't possibly give Aki any more badass moments, which makes it that much easier to sideline her. And let's package this weird, shittily set-up moment in a message about how she's better off without her powers anyway. She's happy! It makes complete sense that she's happy. She's finally normal like everyone else. Ignore the way people who might relate to the character could possibly interpret this moment differently. And ignore how none of the writing surrounding this moment makes sense.

...Sigh.

Okay, I think I've let off enough steam. I just. Yeah. I'm sorry, but I cannot for the life of me view this scene in a favourable way and watching it today made me want to chew glass tbh. My only solace is that they went back on this trainwreck writing decision in the finale. Which, really, just makes this whole mess really, really pointless, doesn't it?

For anyone who stuck around this long, thanks for reading. Sorry if this got extra-rant-y. Idk man, I just think “it’s worth the effort to accept yourself as you are, even with all the bits you might not like at first” would have been a better message than whatever this turned out to be.

[rosanna-writer]

we said hello and your eyes look like coming home (17/?)

Summary: A canon-divergent AU where the bond snaps for Rhys on Calanmai, Feyre unwittingly accepts it, and Fire Night magic proves to be more transformative than anyone bargained for. Feyre drags a mate she hardly knows out from Under the Mountain, then puts him back together as war with Hybern approaches. Warnings: dubious consent, canon-typical sexual violence, canon-typical violence Rating: Explicit Chapter Word Count: ~6k

It's brief (one sentence each), but please note this chapter contains mentions of suicide and animal slaughter.

The last line of dialogue is lifted directly from A Court of Mist and Fury.

Read on AO3 or you can find the seventeenth chapter below the readmore.

ch. 1 - 10 | ch. 11 - she underestimated just who she was stealing from | ch. 12 - no amount of freedom gets you clean | ch. 13 - stay stay stay | ch. 14 - call it what you want to | ch. 15 - even when you're sleeping, keep your eyes open | ch. 16 - you drew stars around my scars | ch. 17 - do you remember all the city lights on the water?

The townhouse was empty when I got back. At the realization I was alone, I reached for my thigh instinctively, where my hunting knife would be if I still carried one. Perhaps I should have still carried one.

My heart leapt to my throat at the sight of a note sitting out for me, even though I recognized Rhys's handwriting now. I forced myself to breathe before my mind spiraled down a path of panic about kidnappers and attackers.

I was safe. No one could winnow in besides Rhys and Mor. No one would touch me here. I was safe.

Even so, my fingers shook as I picked up the note to read. It was still slow going, but at least this time, I recognized every word, though not always on the first try.

Feyre darling,

I'm at the library and will be back this evening.

The contraceptive tea is still where you left it, but if it gives you peace of mind, you should know that the tonic I was taking Under the Mountain won't wear off for another week.

With all my love,

Rhys

I stood there for a long moment and waited for the sensation of the bottom dropping out of my stomach to pass. Rhys could have told me all of this before he left or said it through the bond—but he'd written a note instead, even though he knew reading still wasn't easy for me.

Once my head cleared of panic, I understood. His side of the bond had been quiet, and I'd assumed there just hadn't been anything to say or any strong emotions he was feeling. But his shields were up and reinforced. Either Amarantha had forced him to take the tonic or he'd been doing it without her knowledge, and…that was something he was only telling me because it might give me some measure of reassurance. And even then, he'd only managed it because he'd insulated himself from my reaction first.

Rhys knew I wouldn't be upset and that none of this was his fault—or at least, I hoped he did—but apparently that didn't stop him from feeling ashamed anyway.

Something about the note made my fingers twitch for a pen. There wasn't one, probably because he didn't want a reply, and I assumed the paper wasn't enchanted to send one anyway. But still, I had the urge to flip the paper over and sketch something beautiful, as if that could beat back the ugliness that had necessitated the contraceptive tonic in the first place.

Even though I knew where the pens were, I didn't go find one. I wasn't entirely sure I could make something beautiful anymore.

I tugged a blanket off the sofa and pulled it around my shoulders instead. The townhouse was warm, but I'd never once felt too hot Under the Mountain. The extra layers and soft blanket against the exposed skin of my arms seemed to ground me, to remind me that I was in the Night Court and not there.

I hadn't meant to fall asleep, but I'd spent half the night on the bathroom floor, shaking like a leaf while Rhys held me. Even though it was barely mid-afternoon, once my heart stopped racing, I drifted off and didn't wake until Rhys winnowed in as the sun began to set. And somehow, even though I was worried and groggy, I found myself appreciating the way his blue-black hair shone in the golden hour light.

Cauldron, the mating bond was relentless.

Rhys didn't move from the the spot where he'd winnowed, right in the center of the living room. He was watching me carefully, and as I sat up, I glanced over him and was relieved he looked fine. Even if he wasn't getting closer to me.

After a moment, he said, "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," I said.

I wasn't quite sure what he wanted, so I moved to one side of the sofa and extended my arm in a wordless invitation to share the blanket. To my immense relief, he hid his wings and joined me, snaking an arm around my waist as I tucked my legs under me and curled up against him. We loosed a breath at the same time.

A talon rapped politely against my shields, and I dropped them for him. The beast he usually kept hidden, all wings and feathers and talons and elongated canines, entered the antechamber of my mind. Then it turned around once and lay down, like a dog that had come in from the cold to curl up in front of the hearth. I closed my eyes and let my head fall against his chest.

His breath tickled my ear, making me shiver as he scented me, even with the glamour still in place."You smell like safety," he murmured, "and your mind is a more peaceful place than mine has been lately."

If I hadn't felt the change in both of us just now, I would have pointed out that was a patently ridiculous thing to say when I was a human who could barely manage to sleep through the night, let alone protect myself. But maybe…I was safe to admit the worst to.

And maybe even if I had the heightened senses of a faerie, I couldn't distinguish safety from danger anyway, smell or otherwise. Tamlin had certainly exploited that.

I couldn't hold back a small noise of protest as Rhys pulled away for a moment, nearly taking the entire blanket with him, then relaxed again when I felt his fingers in my hair. My braid had come loose in my sleep. Once he'd slipped the tie off the end, Rhys started gingerly untangling the strands.

Perhaps it was reckless to dive straight into it, but we needed to talk, so I said, "Was this morning—"

"This morning was everything," he said, answering the question before I could finish asking, "but I didn't anticipate how it would feel to go straight from that to an in-depth discussion with the healer regarding how weak my wings were. I needed time. The library helped."

"And now?" I would have turned my head to look at him if that wouldn't have pulled roughly on my hair.

"I'll be fine." It wasn't harsh or unkind, but there was a distinct note of finality there. A bit more softly, he added, "And for you, was—"

"I want more mornings like that." It was all that needed to be said.

He let the lock of my hair fall from his hand, and I turned my head to kiss his cheek before he carded his fingers back through my hair again. This close, I caught sight of a bite mark I'd left, peeking out from under his collar. A mark like that, shaped like my mouth and visible to anyone who got close…it filled me with a sense of feral pride. Rhys looked good wearing it.

The beast that had been resting inside my mind stirred. And preened.

"There's no need to wait until morning if you want more," Rhys said, suddenly all dark promise.

But as much I ached to go down that road, there were questions I wouldn't get to if we did. "What did the healer say?" I asked, a little too quickly, even as I pressed myself closer.

Rhys explained—apparently, the process wouldn't be too different from when his wings had been injured during the War. The best method would be to winnow up high and drop back down slowly to the ground and do the same with repeated takeoffs, all while carrying increasingly heavy weights. Progress might be slow, but steady if he kept at it.

An idea stuck me. "How heavy of a weight would you use?"

"It depends," Rhys said slowly, suspicion creeping into his voice. He pulled away to study my face, and I clamped my hand back down on the blanket to keep it around my shoulders.

"I don't weigh very much. Might be more fun than using a sack of potatoes or whatever you were thinking of instead," I said, smiling.

He didn't smile back. "You could get hurt if I'm not careful."

"Hell will freeze over long before I ever get hurt while you're around."

I raised my brows, daring him to argue—I was right, and we both knew it. He shook his head and sighed. "You don't have to be so eager to test that theory."

"It's a certainty, not a theory," I said, pulling him close again. I took advantage of his wings being hidden, resting my chest against his broad, muscled back and my chin on his shoulder.

The wings, the flying…I knew what it meant to him. And maybe selfishly, I wanted him to hold me tight against him while we were high above the ground, just for the joy of being in the air. Cassian and Azriel might have flown me to the House of Wind, but that would never be the same.

Rhys told me about the sleeping draught next; the healer had said to halve the dose for a human if I took it, too. Apparently it was strong enough that we'd sleep through damn near anything—even each other's nightmares. It took some prodding, but we agreed to take it together or not at all, lest someone be left to face bad dreams and vomiting alone.

Over the next few days, things began to feel…a bit more settled. As much as I hated how fuzzy my head felt on mornings after taking the sleeping draught, I couldn't deny that the rest helped. And though I wasn't quite ready to see them yet, Azriel reported that my family was still safe and cared for. I went to dinner with Mor and managed to ignore the obvious stares in my direction and awed whispers behind my back. Even reading lessons had become less of a slog, full of chitchat about books as Evelyn found ones that would be an appropriate challenge—she'd even collected a few picture-filled volumes on art that I spent an afternoon flipping through.

Sex helped, too. There were far worse things I could have thrown myself into with singleminded focus than making Rhys climax, and I think he needed to hear someone tell him his pleasure mattered and insist he sit back and enjoy it. He responded in kind of course, and somehow his hands and mouth quieted the restlessness that plagued me, enough to stop feeling on the lookout for another threat, at least for a while.

We were coping. And it was strange, but not unpleasant, to find myself slipping into a life I'd ached for but hadn't really known I'd wanted until a few weeks ago.

Illyria, however, was becoming a problem. And so was the Hewn City. I hardly saw much of Cassian; Azriel took over training me so his brother could stay in Windhaven. Mor was more than capable of overseeing the Court of Nightmares herself, but it wasn't enough to completely stave off the question of why the High Lord hadn't shown his face since returning home.

And it all came to a head during the next meeting of the Inner Circle.

The six of us had gathered in a meeting room in the House of Wind. I'd trained with the Illyrians beforehand—Cassian had wanted to see my progress—and though I was still flushed and sweaty from exertion, the leathers and sword strapped to Rhys's back were the only signs he'd been sparring. Perfect and polished as always. If he weren't mine, I would have hated him for it.

But there was work to be done, so I forced myself not to stare. Cassian spoke first, and the picture he painted was bleak—not only rampant disregard of laws Rhys had put into place centuries ago, but rogue war-bands. The groups that had been loyal to Amarantha had splintered, and the situation was delicate and unpredictable.

"I won't have any opportunists in Hybern or the Continent catching us flat-footed," Rhys said, slipping into that clipped tone he only used when he was working. "Take whatever measures are necessary to bring the army back in line. You have my full support, whatever it takes."

To his credit, Cassian didn't hesitate as he said, "Does full support mean I can call you in to make an appearance if needed?" Not a challenge, but it put an unpleasant truth out in the open.

I knew what he meant, and though Azriel's grimace only lasted a moment, that was enough to tell me that he did, too. Rhys's wings were still an issue. If he arrived in Illyria unable to fly properly and word got out, he might only make more of a mess. It didn't matter why his wings were so weak—the Illyrians would see it as shameful regardless.

"It's vital to the security of the Night Court. When I said whatever it takes, I meant it," Rhys said, his voice going colder. Darkness made the faelights flicker for a moment.

The tension that had been simmering between them was back. There was a forced lightness to Mor's voice as she said, "You should make an appearance in the Hewn City first, anyway. They're under control, but it would do some good to flex your muscles before they start getting ideas."

It made sense—I'd heard Mor's updates to Rhys, her concern about Keir becoming too bold without Amarantha making him cower—and releasing the damper on Rhys's power to make a point was simple enough. Or it would be, if that didn't mean sending him straight to the place that Amarantha had modeled her court after. If it were me, I wouldn't be ready yet.

The least I could do was make sure he wouldn't be facing it alone.

"I'll go with you," I said, the words out of my mouth before I'd thought them through. "It might be easier on you with me there."

I hadn't been to the Hewn City, but I knew enough to understand what sort of role I'd have to play there. If it helped Rhys, I'd do it without hesitation. It might even feel good, just to have something to do that made me feel useful. Even though it was underground, I'd manage.

"No," Rhys said, and the word came out as something that wasn't quite an order but sounded uncomfortably close.

He'd never spoken to me like that before. I hated it.

His regret crossed the bond immediately, but that didn't matter. I knew it wasn't the same, not even close, but the harshness in his voice reminded me just a bit of how Tamlin had sounded when I'd overheard him speaking with Lucien, an inkling of how much was really being hidden to manipulate me in Spring. And that was enough to set my temper ablaze.

"What's in the Hewn City that you don't want me to see?" I snapped. Aloud, so everyone could hear.

Rhys's voice was softer, almost pained, when he spoke again. I half-expected darkness to ripple off him, but he kept the leash on his power. "There's nothing in the Hewn City that you didn't already see Under the Mountain."

"Then why not bring me?" I said, just as a horrible thought dawned on me. He'd been so angry that I'd gone Under the Mountain. Before I knew what I was doing, the words were tumbling out. "Is this about keeping me in Velaris, like you did to the rest of the Inner Circle?"

Rhys flinched. And the air in the room seemed to go very, very still.

"For what it's worth, I'm not proud of that," he said, not looking at any of us, "but I can't bring myself to regret it, either. You're alive."

Cassian ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "I know it wasn't an easy call to make. You chose the least shit option out of a bunch of shit choices."

"That still doesn't mean we had to like it," Azriel muttered darkly, tucking his wings in tight.

"No, we didn't," Mor agreed, shooting a warning look at Azriel before turning to Rhys, "and it's hard not to be resentful. We were trapped. But…we all know it's not your fault for having to make that decision, and I hope you know that, too."

Rhys closed his eyes, and I watched his shoulders rise and fall as he took in a breath and let it out. He started to say something, but Amren cut him off. "And Velaris is by far the most pleasant of all the places I've been confined. Let's move on," she said briskly.

I didn't want to think about what other places she could possibly have been imprisoned. Or how many there had been. But somehow, Amren of all people had cut through the tension in the room. Mor caught my eye, hiding a smile behind the back of her hand.

"I'd put that on tourism brochures if Velaris had any," Rhys said drily, then turned his attention back to me. "After sending Mor in my stead for so long, I'll get the point across most clearly if I go alone, Feyre. It isn't dangerous. But with the attention the Cursebreaker will draw…you'll be most effective as an ace up our sleeve for now. Is that alright with you?"

I considered that. It seemed like an honest question, not just something intended to mollify me enough to move on. And the word effective clanged in my head like a bell. It took a certain measure of confidence in someone to make a calculation like that. I felt…a little less useless.

"That's fine," I said, giving a gentle tug on the bond to indicate all was well. Rhys answered with a feather-light brush of his fingers against mine under the table.

The rest of the meeting was long, if uneventful. I followed more of it than before—while he'd been catching up on the state of the Night Court, Rhys had answered every single one of my questions about it. There were decisions to be made about resuming trade agreements that had been in place before Amarantha and intelligence to be gathered about the extent of the damage in other courts. Our agenda that day was full.

I wasn't used to sitting still for so long, and it seemed like an eternity had passed by the time Cassian finally flew me down to the street. He took off for Illyria just as Rhys winnowed next to me, shifting out of his leathers and into his usual black jacket and pants.

"Take a walk with me?" he said, offering his arm. I hesitated, not quite sure if he merely did just want to walk with me, or if this was about what had happened earlier. Catching the look on my face, he added,"It's a beautiful day, and it would be a shame to let that go to waste."

That, at least, was the truth. Though it was the middle of summer, the Night Court was too far north to get uncomfortably hot. I suspected that wasn't everything—it might also have been one of those days he needed to feel the breeze on his face, but there was no use in pointing that out.

Instead, I just nodded my agreement and took his arm. My hand felt snug and comfortable in the crook of his elbow, but I was shameless about twisting it to the side so I could feel the hard muscle of his bicep through his shirt. Rhys smirked, curling a wing around me in a gesture I was beginning to suspect looked equally as possessive as my fingers around his arm.

"You know the city best. Lead the way," I said.

We walked in companionable silence towards the Sidra. If we'd wanted to, we probably could have stayed quiet the entire evening without it feeling awkward or uncomfortable. But…I wanted to clear the air anyway. After a little while, I added, "I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier."

"They were valid questions that you had every right to ask," he said evenly. I couldn't quite read his face—Rhys seemed unbothered, but I didn't know how to tell if he was pretending or not.

"I could have phrased them better."

Rhys shrugged. "It's better than if you hadn't said anything at all. You should question me, call me out. And if being comfortable doing that means you're a bit harsh about it on occasion….well, it's not as if I haven't survived worse."

He pulled gently on the bond again, and I took that to mean there truly had been no harm done. It made me feel oddly reassured, as if I'd pushed on something that looked delicate and found it to be much sturdier than I'd thought.

We followed a path along the Sidra, and on a day like this, we were far from the only ones out and about. It seemed silly not to have realized it, considering he'd been High Lord for centuries, but everyone in Velaris seemed to know Rhys. People smiled warmly and nodded at him, a few even greeting him by name and taking his hand to welcome him back. Even after fifty years away, he knew them too, sounding earnest when he asked about how their families were faring.

It still came as a shock that they knew who I was, too.

The first time a faerie, one with horns and horizontal pupils like a goat's, called me Cursebreaker and thanked me for challenging Amarantha, I'd nearly blurted out then and there that anyone with a mate would have done the same thing. Instead, I stammered my way through my reply about how it was good to see Rhys home, which wasn't even a lie.

The people of Velaris were respectful, genuinely warm but never attempting to drag him into a long conversation. For me, the attention was still strange. Rhys must have been handling it since birth, but I'd spent so much of my life alone in the woods, doing my best to blend in with the trees as I hunted.

We were arm in arm, but still in my fighting leathers at his side….I don't think I seemed much like an emissary. And certainly not like a lady, either.

If anything, I looked like Rhys's knight.

But it was…nice, to just walk and be together like this. Velaris was beautiful, rows and rows of pretty, well-kept townhouses in bright colors and the flowers along the river in full bloom for the summer. Peaceful and untouched—and protected with the utmost ruthlessness.

I was so caught up in drinking it in—and in truth, watching Rhys drink it in—that it was a while before I realized we were still walking away from the townhouse. Not that I minded, but I still asked, "Are we going anywhere in particular?"

"Yes. I have something to show you," he said, violet eyes bright.

"What is it?"

"My favorite view in the city."

I'd half-expected him to answer that it was a surprise or with some other teasing, flirting response. But maybe by then he knew it was important to me that my questions didn't go unanswered.

When the sun had nearly set, we stopped at one of the benches that lined the path, facing the river. It didn't seem different from any of the other places we'd passed, save a row of low buildings right on the riverbank across from us. Rhys sat, letting his wings hang over the back of the bench, and I followed suit.

We were in public, so I left a careful few inches of distance between us. I ached to be closer, but I wasn't sure it would be welcome out here. "Can I—"

"I was just going to tell you that you were too far away."

I couldn't press myself to his side fast enough. As Rhys wrapped an arm around my waist, the bond seemed to uncoil in my chest, and I was struck again by that sense of rightness, the feeling that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I doubted I'd ever get used to it—not just the mating bond and all the instincts and urges that accompanied it, but being wanted like this.

But that was too much to talk about on what was proving to be something close to a normal evening. I just said, "Why is it your favorite?"

"You'll see in a few minutes, once night falls properly," he said softly, "but it's not just that. Before Amarantha, nearly everyone in Velaris came to watch the boat races down the Sidra on midsummer. It's been a tradition since my ancestors founded the city, and this is where the races always finished."

"Did you…row?" I wasn't entirely sure if faerie boat races were anything like human ones, though I was fairly certain the line of buildings across from us were boathouses.

"Cauldron, no. Training in Illyria was exhausting enough. This is where I came to drink and cheer on my sister."

I had no idea what to say to the mix of quiet sorrow and warm nostalgia in his voice. Telling him I was sorry seemed insufficient. But…I could practically feel the weight of whatever was on his mind pressing down on us both.

"I'll trade you a thought for a thought," I said after a long moment. "Tell me one thing on your mind, and I'll do the same for you."

I half-expected Rhys to balk, or at least, to be irritated with my prying. Perhaps I'd pushed too hard. But he played along.

"The boathouse on the end was green last time I saw it. But at some point in the last fifty years, it was repainted blue, and now I'm thinking about how strange it is to notice all the ways Velaris is different now. Everything is different now, really."

As I watched the last rays of the setting sun dance on the water, I felt Rhys's gaze slide towards me. I took a moment to consider my words. "I'm thinking about how every summer I used to hunt and hunt while the game was plentiful. If I didn't do enough then, we'd starve during the winter. And now it's summer again, and I feel like I need to find a way to hoard days like this because nothing ever stays easy."

"For what it's worth, I'm not stupid enough to think I can pacify you with pretty lies about how you have nothing to worry about ever again."

I snorted. "Have I mentioned how much I love your pragmatism?" It was true, though. His willingness to make difficult choices, no matter how unpleasant, was one reason I'd choose Rhys to be my partner in everything.

Rhys leaned in close, his nose brushing my temple. "Was that an attempt at pouring honey in my ear, Feyre darling?" he purred.

"With you? I don't need to bother."

He nipped at my earlobe, drawing a surprised laugh from me. "Cruel, beautiful thing."

The first few stars appeared in the sky, and suddenly I understood why this was Rhys's favorite view in city. Lines of lights flickered on outside the boathouses, so many that that the buildings themselves seemed to be fashioned out of stars. The sky and the city were reflected on the surface of the Sidra, and in the distance, the colorful buildings of the Rainbow glowed warm, bright, and inviting.

City of Starlight, indeed.

But the sight of it was more than just beautiful. Something about the stars and the city lights on the water brought a buried memory rushing back. I almost couldn't believe I'd forgotten.

"Rhys," I hissed, sitting up straight. My hand curled tightly around his arm.

"Feyre?" he said, suddenly all concern. "Are you—"

"I've seen this view before. In a dream. This exact view. The boathouse on the end was blue, just like it is now."

I wrenched my gaze away from the boathouses to find Rhys staring at me with naked shock. "You were dreaming of Velaris?"

"It happened the day I'd first killed a rabbit. I was eleven. We'd been starving, and the Mother knows where else we would have gotten dinner from if I hadn't done it. But I— I'd never killed something before, and even though it was an animal, I lost a piece of myself that day. I'd cried and cried, and whenever I closed my eyes, all I could see was the blood from its throat leaking onto my hands. It took a long time to fall asleep that night, but when I finally did…this is the view I saw in my dreams. And I felt at peace with what I'd done."

Rhys's eyes didn't leave my face, but something in his expression shifted. I could see the wheels turning in his head. "If you were eleven," he said slowly, "then I wouldn't have known about you yet. I didn't start having dreams of you until three years ago. And if you saw the boathouse as blue…then we can be certain I didn't send that image of Velaris down the bond, even unwittingly."

"Then where did it come from?"

"You have a connection to the Night Court's magic, and it's clearly protective of you. A dream like that, on what must have been the worst day of your life….perhaps Velaris kept you from breaking, too."

If Rhys hadn't needed to protect this city and the people it, he would have killed himself Under the Mountain, probably long before I was born. He'd never said as much, but I knew. And perhaps that was the real magic of Velaris—not the wards shielding it, but the magic of art and dreams and peace. If that had sustained my mate for decade after lonely, hopeless decade, then…perhaps after one of my darkest days, Velaris had reached for me as I slept.

After all, it was called the Court of Dreams for a reason.

We watched the lights on the water for a long time, together but both lost in thought. But eventually, my inability to sit still reared its head, and we found ourselves walking through the city again, talking quietly about the places we passed.

Rhys was trying to be subtle about it, but I could tell he was attempting to nudge me towards the Rainbow. I understood; he knew what painting meant to me, and he'd had probably looked forward to showing me the artists' quarter. Last time I'd been in a gallery, though, I'd been falling for Tamlin's manipulations, and now that I knew that…I wasn't sure how I'd react next time I entered one. If I panicked or ran like a coward, I didn't want Rhys to see.

I certainly wasn't brave enough to admit that, either. Instead, I murmured something about it being time to start heading back, and when the worry didn't quite leave Rhys's face, I changed the subject. "Why is your house on the other side of the river anyway?"

But it must have been the wrong thing to say because Rhys suddenly went still. "You don't feel at home here," he said, so softly I almost didn't hear it. Even if I hadn't caught the words, the hurt in his voice would have been unmistakable.

That was ridiculous—I'd never felt such a sense of belonging in my life. "Of course I feel at home here."

"You called the townhouse mine just now. Not ours."

"It's where I live, and I'm comfortable there, but…it's still yours. I don't feel unwelcome, but there's no point in pretending you wouldn't be upset if I just started redecorating or painting all over the walls." That first morning after we'd gotten back, he'd said it was mine too, but in truth, I'd assumed that was just an empty platitude.

Rhys took a step towards me, and the intensity of the way he was looking at me was so strong I wasn't sure I was breathing. "Everything that's mine is shared with you. Because you're my"—a tug on the bond to avoid saying the word aloud where there was a chance of being overheard—"and because I love you. Even if that weren't true, the first dream I had of you was your hand painting flowers on a table. It meant more than I can say, and as far as I'm concerned, you should paint any surface in this world you wish."

"I love you, too." The only words I could manage in the face of…everything.

Then before I knew it, Rhys was kissing me in the middle of the sidewalk. For a moment, all the thoughts flew from my mind, and I looped an arm around his waist to press him against me. But before he had a chance to sweep his tongue into my mouth in front of any passersby, I stepped back to catch my breath.

"What you said before, about the townhouse being mine, too…I thought you were just being nice to spare my feelings," I said.

Rhys huffed a bitter laugh. "I've been accused of a great many things over the centuries, but mincing words to be nice isn't one of them."

I'd take it over being lied to day in and day out, I supposed.

He slid his hands into his pockets and tipped his head to the side. The wind ruffled his hair, and for a moment, that instinctive irrational jealousy struck again—I didn't even want the wind touching his hair instead of me. It nearly distracted me enough to miss the too-casual way he was studying me.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You're planning something, aren't you?"

He flashed me another one of those feline smiles—the smirking, put-together High Lord was back. "I was just thinking that if I'm not mistaken, there's a set of half-opened paints in storage. Amren attempted to learn one summer, got bored, and gave up. No one will take an open can as a donation, and she's certainly not going to use them. It would be a shame to let them go to waste."

My mate knew me too well. Even though I could tell what he was doing, it was working—I'd struggle to accept a gift, but I hated waste. Just the thought of an empty canvas made my chest tighten uncomfortably, but if it meant something to Rhys, I could manage a simple, repetitive design of flowers on the edge of a table. I'd done far more dangerous, difficult things for him.

"What's your favorite flower?" I said with a sigh.

"Snowdrops," he said without having to think about it. "There isn't much else about winter in Illyria that's pretty, and the blue ones only grow in the Night Court. They're the same color as your eyes."

Elain had planted snowdrop bulbs one fall, and when I'm asked her about it, she'd said that in the language of flowers, they meant hope. I'd thought it seemed pointless then. Now, I wasn't quite sure.

Rhys said something about being back with the paints, kissed my cheek, and winnowed away. As I stood there for a moment alone, I realized…he'd called my eyes pretty. I willed myself to stop blushing so furiously by the time he got back.

Not long after that, we made it back home, and I sat on kitchen floor, mixing Amren's half-used paint while Rhys watched. He hadn't told me where he'd gone to get them, but he'd come back smelling faintly of pine.

It took a few tries to mix the blue to match the shade in the image Rhys sent down the bond, a blue flower pushing its way through a heavy snowbank, on a mountain that must have been somewhere in Illyria. And perhaps finding the right color would have gone faster if he hadn't been leaning in to kiss me so often.

When I began to form the first petal on the edge of the table, the feeling of a wound healing over was so acute that I nearly dropped the paintbrush.

I was safe in the Night Court. I was painting. A mate I loved was sitting beside me. We were clawing back, slowly but surely, the sense of security that had been ripped away when Rhys had been trapped Under the Mountain and I'd been dragged across the Wall.

I painted a few more petals and managed to finish the first flower before the tears pricking at my eyes made me stop. Rhys kissed them away gently. And that was all I needed to dip the brush back into the paint and keep going.

There was a line of flowers extending along one side of the table when something made Rhys stand up. The movement was too fast for me to follow—one moment, he'd been sitting, then the next he was halfway across the room. I turned to see what it was and found that Mor had just winnowed into the kitchen.

I'd never seen her look so grave.

"It's too late to save anyone now," she said, "but there was an attack on a temple in Cesere. Almost every priestess slain, the trove looted."

[atoriv-art]

asks

putting these above the readmore because otherwise i will be speaking into the void

fave. grouping these together to say: i do read fanfic on occasion but it's usually filtered through a friend of mine who reads far more than i do! ie, she reads stuff and sends me what she likes

however she did say that i could tell people to link me things so she can read through them. so feel free to link me whatever in the replies/asks/idk. no promises i will be the one reading it LMAO but we have very similar tastes in characters/pairings and also the types of fics we like 👍

i actually gravitate towards gen fics which are a dying breed lol but you can link whatever you want <3

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anyway. under the cut: misc asks, sasuneji 💕, also a tiny hyuga ramble

this is so late LMAO sorry, its all in my old blog @atoriv-moved ! haven't deleted any of it so if anything happened it's tumblr's fault. i miss kingdom hearts i need luxu to be in things again so i can go crazy :/

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thank you so much!!! 😭😭 it always makes me happy to hear the emotional weight of my work comes through! it's what i'm always trying to improve to make the little scenes in my head real :)

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thank you!!!! i never know what to say to these but they always make me smile 8)

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thank you so much!! honestly noses still give me trouble sometimes but as someone who is particular about trying to properly translate 3D shapes, especially of the face, in my rendering it's probably one of the most important landmarks :P and i think you can enhance a design sooo much with them, despite my struggles they're one of my favorite things to draw now!

i totally encourage you to start drawing again if you want to! but i'm biased of course hehe

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cute i never know how to answer these... maybe a little boring but i'm of the opinion sasuke is the clingier one in the rs :)

he's a very loving person but because of both his personality and collection of issues he struggles to fully articulate his thoughts in a manner that doesn't come off as rude or detached, but imo sasuke esp once he's out of his spiral would hate to have his love go unexpressed. so i think him having trouble with words and making up for it with flopping onto the people he loves like a large dog is sooooo cute, and i always think about how clingy he was as a baby.. he is made for latching onto people and wiggling them with a 😐 face

neji on the other hand is Weird About Intimacy since he's trained himself to be self-sufficient, and is hyperaware of how other people might perceive him due to him having to calibrate himself around his family. neji is very principled and especially when he's older won't let his anxieties keep him from doing something he believes in, but it gets a little more complicated when it comes to his personal relationships because for 90% of his life he had no hope of fostering those. so he ends up in a weird middle ground where he Does allow himself to express some of those feelings, but not fully, and often in a very self-conscious manner. his default answer to vulnerability is fluffing up like a cat because that's what's he's trained himself to do lol

so with these two in particular i think it'd combo into a lot of "flopping onto you like a weighed blanket because you're upset and i don't know what to say but i want to be here for you" situations, especially with sasuke doing it to neji because neji struggles with verbally articulating when he needs comfort like that. i think it works wonders for them because sometimes words get really messy when you have their combination of issues... it doesn't mean they can't talk through their problems of course, it just means that if something can be solved by the cat loaf maneuver it will be :)

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not reading too much into it at all, i love it! i like how much people talk about my kabuto hahaha i really want to draw him more often, i think he's a way more interesting character than he's given credit for (and this is coming from someone who really didn't like him at first :P), and his hairstyle change is one of the most obvious ways to explore that visually imo!

tysm for this, i really enjoyed reading it!

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i do! i wish more was done with her because i'm really fascinated by the implications of how she's presented, and how she could've shown that being the favorite child of someone like hiashi isn't necessarily a good thing! i always thought she seems like she's a little dissociated from life outside of the clan, which is really fun to work with (and definitely sucks for her because the clan is Not good lol)

i haven't gotten through the arduous task of watching all naruto filler (lmao) but one of my favorites is the one about hanabi and her relationship with hinata, especially the first half, episode 389 i think? i'm really obsessed with the way that episode shows what day-to-day life was like for the kids and the way the hyuga structure themselves, and how it creates distance between them. i'm pretty sure it implies hanabi (pre-plot) didn't know who neji is, for example? which i get isn't canon but i looove that thought. and on a less deep note hanabi is one of the few characters who gets a design i actually like in boruto! i think she looks soooooo cute

since i spend a lot of time thinking about them i actually am fond of all of the hyuga to some capacity, hiashi definitely in a "wow this guy sucks so much it's impressive" way but still lol i think his relationship with his brother and how it informs how he regards neji is very fascinating, or at least the directions it could have taken (if kishi cared at all.) are!

see my problem is that i wish naruto was about weird families and their issues (i am also obsessed with the suna family <3), but it is a shonen anime made for normal audiences

[meanbitchydyke]

Pinned Post — Read BEFORE Interacting

Hi hi! I'm Cat, a 28-year-old non-binary (TME) butch lesbian. I use they/them, he/him, ze/zir, fae/faer, and ey/em pronouns. I'm white, mentally ill, AuDHD, and physically disabled. I use a cane and a wheelchair. I am on testosterone and I have had top surgery and a hysterectomy. I am a trauma survivor and I talk about it sometimes.

Before following me, I'd appreciate if you read my about page, and I ask that you read my DNI, linked here and posted below this preamble in the readmore.

My activity is pretty sporadic depending on school and dealing with my disabilities, and I don't run this blog on a queue - most of the stuff I reblog tends to be time sensitive.

Please don't hesitate to ask me if you need something tagged! I would rather know to tag something appropriately than have anything I post or reblog upset someone needlessly.

Thank you for reading! If you could like this post or send me an ask to let me know you've read it and my DNI, I would appreciate it! It's by no means required though.

Also, because my description cuts off on some devices, I will put here that the credit for my icon goes to bisexualdimitri. The flag used is the autistic lesbian pride flag, and the character is Rika from Pokemon Scarlet and Violet.

DNI below the cut.

None of the following criteria are up for debate. Do not send me messages trying to argue with me about them. Just block me and move on.

DNI/people I block on sight:

people who interact positively with girl-effigy. I will update her url here if I ever catch wind of her changing it. It is extremely important that people who interact with her do not interact with me. You can ask me why OFF ANON.

LGBT-phobes (especially transmisogynists)

misogynists

white supremacists (includes anti-BLM and pro-colonialism)

antisemites and islamophobes

zionists

ableists

anti-abortion rights activists

Republicans/conservatives/“centrists”

MRAs/anti-feminists/transandrophobia “truthers”

fatphobes/pro-ana/pro-mia/weight loss blogs

antivaxxers

abuse/incest/SA apologists (includes pro-shippers)

pansexuals who spout “hearts not parts” nonsense (the tl;dr is it’s homophobic, biphobic, and transphobic)

bi/pan “lesbians” and their supporters

people who use the q slur to describe all lgbt people, to describe cishets at all, or to describe specific lgbt people who have not agreed to have the q slur used for them

endogenic “systems” and their supporters

hates dogs, cats, or kids (not a moral reason, just an “I don’t need that negativity in my life” sort of thing)

JKR apologists

people who hide behind one marginalized aspect of their identity to excuse their bigotry toward others (“I can say racist things because I’m gay” etc etc)

people who have ever been fascists (I don’t care if you’ve been “reformed”, I don’t fucking want someone with that kind of history interacting with me)

Can interact but don’t follow if:

You are under 18 (do not interact with posts I have tagged “nsft” under any circumstances, you will be blocked)

Can follow, but I probably won’t follow back if:

You are under 21

You type mostly in all caps (I can’t read it very well and I feel like I’m getting yelled at)

You type mostly in colored text (I can’t read that very well either)

You are a cishet

[triforce-of-mischief]

Sorry if this is rude, and you don’t have to answer, but I remember you leading the charge against people posting about fanon things they didn’t like when there was drama with Ovegakarts’s tumblr. You were a big advocate for positivity, and keeping negativity private, because people who *did* enjoy the things being talked badly about might see it and get discouraged. Now I see you ranking popular headcanons featured in fic as “stupidest thing I’ve heard in my life.” What happened?

good points, anon /gen

i think that there are some key differences between what i and ovega did, the first one being that i will say straightaway that i am willing to listen and change. i understand that my posts may make people upset, so i will explain my reasoning in allowing them to see the light of day.

i reblogged an ask game and requested lu fantheories/headcanons, the good and the bad (objectively), so i may place them how i wish on the given chart. when ovega's post gained traction, i wrongfully gave them a good-faith assumption that they hadn't intended for their post to spiral into negativity. when i collected and posted my thoughts, it was with the intention of being salty, so i warned for and tagged it as such. i encourage you to block #fandom salt if you don't want to see it anymore, and #fandom negativity for heavier stuff.

for anon's long ask, i tried to keep the layout reasonable. the post editor shows that the charts are small and arranged in a grid, with the explanations below the cut. my initial opinions were to be visible at second glance, while elaboration required an opt-in interaction. however with tumblr being tumblr, the charts are huge and i had to edit the post again so the readmore works. if you think that isn't enough, i'm happy to put the entirety of the post under the readmore.

not all of my opinions are negative, either. i like some of the headcanons/fantheories, and lift them up as much as i state my dislike of others. yes, i did post negativity publicly, because i believe it's about consent. it's healthy to dislike things and talk about them, and i got a clear invitation and answered it as respectfully as possible. if people start commenting things like "this fic i read is so stupid for doing this" and "i hate these people for thinking that", i'll shut it down because that's when it becomes a direct attack. as with all things, it's about context and nuance.

in direct reference of the ask game i used, i also think it's important to keep canon in mind with popular headcanons/fantheories. sometimes people are going to dislike things because they're obviously never going to happen, while other people double down on making it happen in fanon. to each their own, always.

hope that helps <3

[whumpuary]

This is in response to the previous ask about not reblogging certain things from participants of Whumpuary2024:

While I appreciate and totally respect your squicks and honestly applaud you for blocking tags that upset you instead of engaging, I feel like a lot of the reason that I personally participate in these kind of events is to expand the audience of my writing/ make new friends who like to read and write the same things - a lot of which is nsfw/sexual whump and noncon - and it's really discouraging that a whump-specific event isn't planning on reblogging a solid chunk of it's audience?

I don't know if it's feasible for you (and I assume certainly not for this coming year which is happening faster than I would like 😅), but maybe you'd consider bringing in another person to handle that side of things so that all sides of whump are included?

Thanks for building this event though! I know how much work it is to get something like this off the ground and it's always nice to have more whump in the community 😊

I totally get your point! This is only the second time I'm running this (and the first time actually putting effort in the planning/organizational aspect lol) and I'm still figuring out the best way to do things.

I think it's a great idea to maybe get someone else who's more comfortable with that side of whump to help out in a year.

For now I think it might also work for me to reblog creations that include my blocked tags if that part is under a readmore or a link to AO3. I'll see what I can do when the event starts. And while I recognize that me reblogging your creations will/might give you more reach and engagement, I always want to encourage people to go directly into the tag to find new creations/creators who participate and interact with them! (this is directed at people in general, not anon specifically. I myself have forgotten that's an option to find new things here oops). (I've also been thinking about potentially setting up a discord for this? That might also be an option to make friends, find people with shared interests etc.)

Thanks for the ask, this is all helping me find out how to run this better! :)

[shwoo]

Grumpus Headcanons (2/3)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Part two of unnecessarily detailed Bugsnax headcanons, and I had second thoughts about splitting it into three after sleeping on it, but ph well! Too late to change it now!

But I will put part of it under a readmore, because even if the word count isn't quite in the thousands, it's still a big wall of text.

I only arranged these by character surname by surname so that Jamfoot The Secret Guy wouldn't be first, but... I guess putting him exactly in the middle didn't work out how I wanted either.

Character Headcanons (Alegander Jamfoot - Shelda)

Alegander Jamfoot He was not expected to survive being stationed in the Triplicate Space. Maybe he was too openly ambitious, or saw something he wasn't supposed to, or was just kind of annoying. He knows he upset someone, which is why he suspects it's a punishment. It's normally almost impossible to survive on Snaktooth Island alone for more than a few months, because the less outside stimulation someone has, the easier it is for the cravings to take precedence. Jamfoot lasted more than a year in part because he was so focused on his research, but he was already experimenting with eating Bugsnax when Bronica's expedition came along. If they hadn't given him something else to think about, he definitely would've died.

Journalist Their most successful story is probably the Soylent Grump story Lizbert mentions in the opening. Soylent Grump was a meal replacement that the manufacturers claimed was made of soy and lentils, but according to rumours, it was secretly made of Grumpuses. Grumpus DNA was eventually found in some of the products, which didn't help. The Journalist ended up breaking into the main factory, and discovered… that Soylent Grump was made of soy and lentils. But also, the safety standards were so bad that bits of factory workers were ending up in the food. Once they knew that, the Journalist found a whistleblower and published an exposé. They believe that this proves that there's always a story, even if it's not the one you expected. Clumby thinks they got lucky.

Bronica Lottablog Not sure about her personality (intense?), but she cowrote a series of books about zoology and history aimed at kids. She started doing this about ten years before her disappearance, and the books did so well that they stayed in print for another ten years after her disappearance. Most of the cast are at least aware of them from their childhoods, except for Wambus, Cromdo, and Shelda, who are too old. Gramble would be a little too young, but his school's library was underfunded and extremely out of date. The Journalist had Bronica's book about cryptids, which they read so much it fell apart.

Triffany Lottablog The Lottablog method she mentions in her interview was her own invention, and is fusion of archaeological techniques and the adventuring techniques her (non-archaeologist) grandmother used. It's actually quite effective, and part the reason she's a "leader in [her] field". It's a bit of a high risk high reward thing, but it hasn't got her killed yet.

Lizbert Megafig She really likes standing dramatically on high places, like one of the pictures in her hut. If she's standing around somewhere, especially outdoors, she'll climb to the highest place she can get to, without really thinking about it. I'd say she likes to be tall, but she already is pretty tall. The Snaxsquatch's tendency to stand dramatically on high places might be related to this.

Wambus Troubleham It is very difficult to grow sauce plants, on or off Snaktooth Island. They basically are normal plants, but they normally don't grow very well. The island helps them along because they make it easier to lure in hosts. Wambus was just so stubborn and good at plants that he figured out how to get them to grow without the island's interference. It was still a struggle to get them to sprout, especially since the soil on the island is not very good. His success at growing sauce didn't influence his decision to try to grow Bugsnax like plants, though. He started both projects at the same time, and the sauce is the one that worked out.

Wiggle Wigglebottom Wiggle is not her given name, but it is the name she's gone by since childhood, as well as the one she uses professionally. It's a nickname based on her surname, and the way she's always moving around. It actually does sound slightly silly, even to Grumpuses who think Filbo Fiddlepie is a super normal thing to be called, but everyone's used to it at this point.

Beffica Winklesnoot She didn't join Lizbert's expedition until the night before they left, during the getting-to-know-you party that Filbo definitely threw. She ran in halfway through and asked if this was the expedition to the deserted island a long way from here. She'd just been kicked out by her roommate, and was also worried about legal action, but she didn't bring that part up. Lizbert felt bad for her, though Eggabell was more suspicious at first.

Shelda When she asked the Journalist to bring her a Bugsnak for her first sidequest, she really wasn't intending to eat it at the time. She wasn't going to have the light of Mother Naturae purge it either, because that's not really a thing. She just wanted to look at one up close, while also preparing to convince the Journalist to stop bringing people Bugsnax. But she hadn't had proper food in a long time, and she convinced herself that just one wouldn't hurt. And nobody would notice anyway. Even though they absolutely would.

[janzoo]

Three Elezen Walk into The Radz-at-Han Market...

Read it on AO3 above (registered users only) or under the readmore below -

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Final Fantasy XIV Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Estinien Wyrmblood, Alphinaud Leveilleur, Alisaie Leveilleur, Original Female Character(s) Additional Tags: Oneshot, Ficlet, Alisaie Leveilleur Being Alisaie Leveilleur, Estinien not-so-secretly wants kids Summary:

Prompt: Fulsome

A merchant sees three Elezen with snow white hair and makes a very incorrect assumption.

                A Raen merchant huffed in frustration. It was a quiet day at the markets of Radz-at-Han, which meant her coffers were lighter than she’d like. But a moment later, she heard the sounds of other merchants down the hall calling out to clients – which meant there were clients to call out to in the first place. Finally! She put her most winning smile back into place on her face and waited for her chance.

                An Elezen man came into view, with two nearly-matching teenagers in tow. All three had bright white hair. What a fulsome trio they were. And, hopefully, looking to buy some glassware.

                First, however, she would lay on a little charm.

~*~*~

                “Good sir! Good sir!” a Raen merchant shouted in greeting to Estinien. He hardly did more than glance in the seller’s direction until she added, “The Sisters have blessed you with such beautiful children, and twins at that! You must be so proud!”

                All three of them stopped in their tracks. If the merchant intended to say more, she didn’t get the chance as Alisaie all but squawked in indignation.

                “He is not our father!”

                The merchant’s eyes widened.

                Alphinaud put a hand on her shoulder. “’Tis a simple mistake, nothing more. There is no need to get upset.”

                Alisaie harumphed. “Well, maybe they shouldn’t assume that every Elezen that pass by are related to one another!”

                “C-Consider my lesson learned. I am terribly sorry for offending you,” the merchant responded with a bow of her head.

                “Come, we mustn’t dally,” said Alphinaud.

                The three of them continued on, leaving the merchant not only lacking in fresh business, but thoroughly admonished.

                Estinien glanced to the twins from his peripheral, his mind still locked on to being mistaken for a father. He made a mental note to visit Mehrahd and Yahsra at the orphanage later.

[catgirl-catboy]

I don't think total drama's writing is bad just when it comes to ships this fandom is a mess, they still argue Duncney vs Gwuncan like rabid dogs

Total drama Z? I never heard the new season I'm a total dingus, I will watch it

And I read you like Tenko -my bi queen- can I take a Tenko analysis before I go watch total drama Z?

And well I guess we quite get along well, I'm happy about it. Autistic to autistic communication ig? Lol

Yesss! A fellow Bi Tenko headcanoner! I am pro headcanon whatever the fuck you want, but the fact that lesbian Tenko is the popular headcanon disappoints me because it is the most shallow way to read Tenko. "She hates men because she's a lesbian" is boring. I want to hypothesize a different explanation, because why take her at her word when you can overanalyze her so much. It got long, so I put it under a readmore. By long, I mean 2000 words. Honestly, I might crosspost this to ao3 later, since I legit love this.

The love hotel is dubiously canon at best, but ideas from it are shown in her FTEs and character development in chapter three, so I do think it works for me. That being said, if you are part of the fans that hate it I do get why.

Elephant in the room for a lot of my thoughts on Tenko... I think she was abused by her master. I actually have a lot more evidence than the Kiyo was a victim of abuse headcanon, which I also subscribe to!

She shows a lot of symptoms of abuse that were played for laughs. In her intro we get the line:

"If any degenerate tries to touch me, my reflex is to grab them and throw them across the room."

That could just be because shes an Aikido master, but it paints a very disturbing picture with the rest of the context.

In her first FTE with Kaede, we get the line "Master told me degenerate males always have perverted fantasies running through their heads!"

So her master is intentionally telling her bad things about men. He must know about her sexism. He probably even encourages it!

In the same FTE, when she talks about attacking Shuichi, she describes it as "pre-emptive self-defense" small problem, wouldn't it be pre-emptive defense of others? It was brought up in the context of protecting Kaede. Honestly, I really wish I knew Japanese so I could see the original text for this line.

I don't think it was the first time she used this logic/excuse.

There's Tenko's repeated insistence to Kaede that she doesn't consider herself cute reeks of low self esteem. If her Aikido master was like a surrogate parent to her, shouldn't he have caught on to this negative self talk? Should he have told her she was cute, since she's basically his daughter.

If you tell her that her passion is her secret weapon, we get the line "My passionate energy, huh? I have been told that it gives people headaches!" Her parents haven't been in the picture from a young age, so who would be telling her this?

Onto Shuichi's FTEs, we get this line after Tenko attempts to provoke him by growling. "Give me a reaction already! I don't know what else to do!" She acts out for attention, and will thrive on negative attention and positive attention all the same. Remember that. Its not related to my Tenko abuse theory/headcanon, but its interesting that someone who thrives off other's reactions to her falls for the least emotive character.

(I don't think she's as oblivious with Himiko as she wants us to think. I think, on some level, she knows.)

This next bit of dialogue is a reach even for my standards, but its fun to think about.

Tenko: I am calm! Upset, but still calm! Shuichi: You don't seem very calm. Tenko: It may not seem like it to a degenerate, but I'm super duper calm for a girl!

If she's currently under the impression her master was a woman, than she might be emulating him here. I don't think her master was a very calm person, so she has unreasonable standards of calm.

If you try to apologize to her, you get "Do you think you can fix it just by apologizing!?" which is totally something an abusive parent would say. HOWEVER, if you tell her to be quiet...

She legitimately gets scared. This is the same face she makes when she discovers a body, so its not like this sprite is always used ironically.

In order to try to calm her, Shuichi touches her shoulder and gets thrown. In Tenko's defense, she did try to set this boundary earlier and was clearly scared.

They talk about it in the next FTE:

"Shuichi… About before…I'm sorry for throwing you. But it's because you're a degenerate male. Blame yourself for being born that way."

You can write this off as trademark Tenko sexism, but why would she apologize when she clearly isn't sorry. Its a step she takes to appease him, in case he wants to hurt her worse. I think this apology comes from a place of fear.

Then we get something really interesting.

"I woke up in bed… Did you carry me back to my room, Tenko?"

"I didn't want to…but I couldn't just leave you there. It was bothering me."

Tenko is okay with touching men (even if she doesn't like it) so long as she initiates the touch. She also did not have to do this, and I don't think she would if she hated men as much as she claims to.

I think its more accurate to say she's afraid of men. That better describes what I'm seeing.

We get this line in the same FTE

"Yeah… My parents told me I used to have anger tantrums similar to an exploding volcano." Told her. Not tell me. They don't currently tell her. She hasn't improved her temper in the slightest, so why won't they still tell her this?

According to Tenko, her parents were worried she wouldn't be able to fit into society... so they sent her to live in an isolated temple? The logic is questionable. The timeline is also questionable. If she "used to have" tantrums, then why send her away now. Did she stop and then start again?

Her parents are never mentioned again after this. I think Tenko was abandoned by her parents.

This is another reach, but if we assume Tenko had one mom and one dad, I think it is interesting that it's never mentioned she had beef with her bio dad. (a heteronormative assumption, but Danganronpa tends to stick to traditional family structures unless specified) It is possible that she didn't hate men at that age yet.

Despite all of this, Tenko praises her parents and clearly cares for them.

These lines are also noteworthy:

"During my mental training at the temple, I called the head priest, "Master.""

"Master was very pleased about this and added a new rule to the temple. He declared that he was the Master of martial arts!"

So this guy gets called Master once, gets an Ego, and then decides to appoint himself in a position of power. Shuichi speculates on her master's nature, but this paints a pretty clear picture.

In the next FTE, she tries to teach Shuichi Neo Aikido. Her methods are incredibly harsh. She plans to engage Shuichi with no explanation of any moves, and little warning. You could argue that she is just doing this to Shuichi because she's sexist, but she specifically says "Whaaat? There's no such thing as "basics" in Neo-Aikido!", implying this is how she was taught as well. Reminder that we don't know how old Tenko was when she first came to the temple and met her master.

Since we never actually get to see this sparring match, we have no idea what Tenko's definition of sparring is. Except we do in the main story, when we unlock Tenko's lab. Where she attacks Shuichi with no warning... again. This is a pattern. Shuichi cries out in pain from the resulting attack, implying she did not go gentle.

In this scene, we get a disturbing line.

"instead of training, we just fight head on!"

In case you were wondering if this is just Tenko's sexism kicking in, she does the exact same thing to Himiko right after.

That paints a very disturbing tone for Tenko's sparring with her master. Allow me to re-quote her introduction to you...

"If any degenerate tries to touch me, my reflex is to grab them and throw them across the room."

Reflex. Not desire. She specifically states its a reflex.

The next FTE is where she tells you about all the supposed limits of Neo Aikido. Namely that "If you get too excited about Christmas or Valentine's Day, your moves become weaker!"

I find it odd she mentions Valentine's day, such a romantic holiday. It usually isn't considered a main holiday, and something like her birthday would make a lot more sense to mention.

What does she follow it up with?

"In my case, my moves become weaker if I interact with males."

this is the second time she mentioned her master instilling these ideas in her. Also, despite this (perceived) limitation, she still chose to carry Shuichi to his room.

The next line says it all for me.

"I will master Neo-Aikido! That's why I can't be touched by males!"

What happens if she masters Neo Aikido? Her training sessions with her master might slow or stop. But since she's just a child, and still learning... her master must have thrown her all the time, just like we see her doing in her lab.

In her mind, this creates an endless cycle. So, if she represses information about her master's gender, maybe she has a chance at winning. Of being free of her training.

Speaking of her training, during one of Tenko's anti-male rants, she drops this line.

In Neo-Aikido, you can use weapons! You can even attack before the match starts! Those are Master's teachings! Now do you see how invincible it is!?

Tenko... did your master use weapons on you? Did you have to use weapons to defend yourself from your master?

In the beginning of her last FTE, she drops this line. At this point, it could easily be referring to her master, but it also makes sense if its just like,,, random men that saw what's going on.

"Thank you, but I know males actually have an ulterior motive when they give sympathy!"

If her master taught her that specific line, it specifically discourages her from listening to any male that tells her the way she is treated is wrong.

Also, contrast this

with this gem from FTE two.

(Tangent, from what Tenko demonstrates, its okay for males to throw her to the ground with little warning, but Tenko feels the need to do a strained apology when she does the same thing before taking on the "Master" role with Shuichi.)

The conclusion of Tenko's arc in her FTEs?

She begins to question her master's teachings, but then comes up with an explanation that lets her keep her existing worldview.

Even Shuichi's thoughts cast what she's saying into question.

Even despite their heart to heart, she's still scared of losing her Aikido abilities by shaking Shuichi's hand. She's still too scared of getting caught in that infinite loop, but she's starting to doubt if its real.

To end this meta, I'd like to circle back to where we began...

Her extremely controversial love hotel.

It starts like this:

I think that Shuichi being senior is important here. Specifically, I think Shuichi is a standin for her master in a universe where she masters Neo Aikido and surpasses him.

Does this make the whole thing very Freudian? Yes. and? This love hotel was brought to you by the creators of the Kiyo incest plotline.

Also, thicker than blood. Interesting choice of words there.

If you buy into my theory of Shuichi being Tenko's master in this, then the fact that Tenko perceives him as male is vitally important because it suggests on some level that she does understand her master's gender.

Shuichi's thoughts in this role reversal likely mirror Tenko's own thoughts.

But even in this perfect fantasy for Tenko, she still gives Shuichi the power in this situation. You'd think this is the opposite of what she wanted.

Her master is mentioned in this, but I don't think its a deal breaker because Shuichi is a standin for an idea rather than her actual master.

In the context of fights, "the winner can do anything he wants to the loser" has some dark implications considering who she fights with in canon.

Even when Shuichi protests he doesn't want to do anything to her, Tenko encourages it. She expects something to happen. She expects abuse.

Can I remind you that during the fight where Tenko throws Shuichi and later apologizes for it, she specifically asked if shutting up was an order and then started panicing? This bet feels a lot like ordering someone around, even if the word was never used.

These are the most interesting lines in the whole thing. You can interpret them one of two ways:

1.) This is Tenmiko shipping fodder and acknowledgement that she understands Himiko doesn't feel the same way about her.

2.) This is about her master, and the fact that she on some level gets that his only love was for the power he had over her. Either way, there's this theme of Tenko preferring negative attention over no attention.

I'd like to leave you with this one line from the love suite.

If that doesn't sound like an abuse victim pleading for forgiveness I don't know what does.

[xenoshadow13]

you really should take the matter over fictional content more seriously because one day you could actually really someone out there over what you think is just harmless fun

you might laugh right now but you won't find it so funny when you're dropped by a former friend over it :/

As I've once said to another anon, I rather not be pulled into this nonsense over fucking fiction. It's nothing but a very stupid shitstorm that should have NEVER gotten this bad in the first place.

And because I know there will be folks out there who will get on my case for this, no, just kindly fuck off and leave me alone. I refuse to be dragged into a shitstorm all because some folks out there want to throw a hissy fit at others enjoying ANY sort of fictional content that THEY find uncomfortable.

I said these before in another post and I shall say it again because I feel it's needed. Putting this under readmore tho cuz post getting rather long here.

It's okay to feel upset over certain fictional content & interests, but that does not mean it's okay for you to act as if those who enjoy said stuff are horrible people. You're allowed to feel however you want over certain content, but for fuck's sake please just use that block/mute/whatever and move on with your fucking life. No need to announce to the world how much this or that makes you uncomfortable okay.

It's YOUR job to curate your own internet experience, NOT US STRANGERS. Most of us will do our best to tag certain shit to make it easier for others to avoid content but the system here isn't perfect so stuff is bound to slip by regardless. But even then, it's still YOUR job to curate your own internet experience. Again, a lot of us fellow online folks will do our best to tag certain content to make this a little easier for you, but that doesn't mean it's our job to cater to you.

News flash people, everyone has trauma and everyone deals with it differently. You're allowed to feel however you want over with anything regarding your trauma but that does not give you the fucking right to act as if only YOUR experiences and how YOU deal with YOUR trauma is "right". What's that? Do you find how this or that person deals with their trauma to be really weird? Alright. That's okay. You think so-and-so doesn't count and that gives you the right to treat them however you want for it? Yeah no. You can fuck off with that mindset there.

Everyone is bound to unwittingly do something that will make you and others uncomfortable but that doesn't make them some horrible person. So please take a chill pill and not jump the gun so soon on others solely because of that. Not to say that you're not allowed to feel however you do but for fuck's sake 1) a lot of us are socially awkward folks who struggle with recognizing social cues and such and 2) it's not easy to read tone and such over text. :|

Alrighty. This is getting long enough as it is and uhm starting to get a bit tough to not go off completely here so just gonna stop.

But yeah. If you have a problem with any of this then go right ahead and hit that unfollow button there. You will not be missed. :)

[lightyakami]

2, 20, 23, 29 for the fanfic asks !! take care 💙

ahh thank you so much! (you take care, too! 💙)

2. do you read/reread your own fics?

i do! i used to not, but i started re-reading last year.

20. whats a favourite title for a fic you’ve written?

i like the things you tame, my kitsune story! it’s from this little prince quote: “you become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed.” i love the little prince but i also feel the idea behind that quote could be interpreted in a somewhat sinister light. that’s more-or-less what the things you tame is about — like that very claustrophobic idea of love. love as ownership and obligation. one of my favourite themes fgdkngfd.

23. how do you choose where to end a chapter (if you have multi-chapter works)?

i usually end them if there’s a pov shift, so that’s super easy. if not i change then if the action feels conclusively finished, which is a bit vibes-based.

29. share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR a scene that was cut from an already posted fic

this is from my canadian au (hand me your hand & fics to come) and i’m never going to post it because i ended up taking the fic in a completely different direction. (light and L’s relationship originally looked idyllic but was in fact toxic and horrible. everyone i discussed this with hated it and i also hated writing it gjkjgfjlgfh so now it’s just a good relationship.)

putting this under a readmore & also flagging that it had some implications of disordered eating. this takes place right after L and light have a horrible fight at a cottage they’ve rented with beyond and several other friends. a G1 is basically a learner’s license — you can only drive if you’re accompanied by a fully licensed driver.

Beyond can see L across the yard, walking fast. He bolts to catch up, then slows once he’s coming up behind L.

“Where are you going?” he asks. He’s breathing hard. L doesn’t break stride. 

“I’m hungry,” he says.

“Oh.” L isn’t looking at him. He isn’t looking at anything, really. “Can I come?” 

“No.” 

Beyond doesn’t really care. He was just asking to be polite. He’s fairly sure L shouldn’t be left alone right now; he doesn’t know what’s going on, whether he’s in danger or just profoundly unhappy, but he knows there should be someone there to witness him. He carries on walking until L finally sighs and runs his hands through his hair.

“Fine,” he snaps. “Okay. Sure. You can come.”

They’re coming up to the car. L yanks the door open, then waves B in. “Do you have a license.” 

“Um. It’s a G1.” 

“Wonderful,” L says. “I’ll be your instructor.” He digs the keys out of his pocket and tosses them to B, who fumbles but catches them. There’s a strawberry charm hanging off of them. L climbs in and over the gears to the passenger seat, where he buckles himself in and curls up with the side of his face pressed against the window, looking miserable. 

B stares at him. “I’m not good at driving.” 

“Drive slow,” L says. B gets in, straps on his seatbelt, then considers the gearshift very carefully. 

“Turn on the ignition,” L tells him. “Oh.” B puts his key in the ignition, then turns it. “Um.” 

“Put it in reverse,” L says. B does. “Amazing. Check your mirrors, then press the gas.”  

To his surprise, L actually does instruct him, and fairly well. He does so with his head against the glass and his fingers tugging hard at his hair, but he does it. He is patient, and he speaks in a slow, soothing monotone regardless of how badly B drives, coaxing him gently away from the median and not getting the least bit upset when B misses the same turn twice. It’s probably the smoothest driving B has ever done. He does not, however, tell B where they’re going, so it is both unexpected and entirely predictable when they arrive in the parking lot of a No Frills. 

“Just pull into a space that’s empty on both sides,” L tells him. “That way you won’t have to back out later.”

B does this, then turns to him. “Are we buying groceries?” 

What he really wants to say is, maybe we shouldn’t. Maybe we could just go somewhere else, like a park, or a movie theatre, somewhere L could wait and calm down a little. He doesn’t say that. He looks at L, whose jaw is set and whose eyes are utterly blank, until L gets out of the car, and then he follows after. 

[magicalgirlartist]

New Teacher AU update!

Summary: a bear has gotten into the school.

CONTENT WARNING: this chapter is about a school that has entered a lockdown. I know that could be a potentially triggering or upsetting topic for some people to read about and there's really no getting around that that's the plot of this chapter, and it's a fairly plot-heavy one. If it's something that you can't handle reading a whole 5k word chapter about and/or you're not sure if it will be harmful for you to read, I am posting a brief summary under the readmore so you can decide for yourself. Fic tags have also been updated appropriately.

TL;DR IMPORTANT PLOT BEATS VERSION

The gang fights the bear in the gym in order to rescue Takua, who is stuck in the gym supply closet, revealing that they have elemental powers. Onewa manages to send the bear back to the woods and Vakama promises everything will be explained tomorrow.

LONGER FULL-ASS SUMMARY

Vakama announces the lockdown and Tahu immediately locks down his class. Unfortunately, he then realizes Takua isn't there, so he puts Jaller in charge and leaves with a baseball bat to look for him.

Lewa, Gali, and Onewa are still face to face with the bear after Gali alerted Vakama via text. It's wearing some kind of stone mask that is dripping with green goop. Lewa wants to help the bear, but Onewa sends them both around the corner and out of the way before getting smacked around and knocked out by the bear. Lewa and Gali drag him into the staff room and lock themselves in, and the bear quickly loses interest and leaves. Gali makes sure Onewa is fine, just unconscious, and Lewa says they should go check on their class. They aren't supposed to leave once they're safe, but they decide they can probably handle it and leave.

Kopaka has been locked out of his classroom and can't find any rooms that are unlocked. He's very grouchy about this. The first person he runs into is Tahu, who also didn't bring his keys with him but promises that Jaller will let them in once he's found Takua. Not having any better ideas, Kopaka goes with him.

Takua is hiding in the basement stairwell, but decides that's not a good place to hide since he's still out in the open for all intents and purposes. All the rooms in the basement are probably locked, so he decides to go for the gym supply closet, which is usually propped open and locks on its own. On his way there, he runs into the bear and bolts for the gym.

Pohatu knocks Onua over by accident. They compare notes, and both are convinced Matau is taking care of their classes while they're locked out. Tahu and Kopaka arrive, then Lewa and Gali. They hear a scream, realize it's Takua, and run off to find him.

The bear is in the gym, banging its paws against the supply closet door. Kopaka reveals that Takua is hiding in there, not explaining how he knows that even with the door closed. Tahu declares they have to get the bear out of there to rescue Takua, and Onua has the idea of luring it outside. They spread out around the gym, and the bear charges Tahu. He projects a shield and it bounces harmlessly off it. He's also somehow set his baseball bat on fire. The bear charges Lewa instead, and Onua sends a shockwave through the ground that knocks it off its feet. When it gets back up, Lewa jumps over it to swing from the rafters instead. Pohatu starts kicking soccer balls at the bear, one of them knocking its mask askew. It stops attacking and acts like a normal bear for a moment, but as Lewa jumps on it to try and remove the mask it attacks again, flinging him into Kopaka.

Gali activates the overhead sprinkler system, drenching the bear and pooling water around its feet. Kopaka freezes it to the floor. Lewa says the mask hurt when he touched it, and that they should try and get it off the bear. Pohatu, Onua, Gali, and Lewa attack using their elements, while Kopaka keeps it frozen. Tahu delivers the final blow, smashing his on-fire bat into the mask and splitting it in half. Without the mask, the bear starts acting like a normal bear again. Vakama and Onewa show up, and Onewa sends the bear back to the forest.

After school, Vakama is exhausted and just wants to go home. He spent the whole afternoon coordinating getting all the kids sent home and fielding angry calls and emails from parents while Nokama dealt with the school board. Gali shows up to talk to him, and he promises to tell them everything tomorrow, but he just can't right now because he's about to collapse. She agrees and leaves. As Vakama is leaving for the day, he looks at a photograph of one of the former principals of Kini Nui, Lhikan, wondering what he would have done in his place.

[fireandpowder]

Hi! I hope this is okay, but I wanted to send you an ask about “love is heavy”!

I found myself having a really intense and unexpected reaction to the scene with Geralt and Vesemir. Basically, while I was 100% on board with Vesemir drawing a line in the sand and protecting Jaskier - there was admittedly a *small* part of me that was like “okay but you raised him to be this emotionally broken (but won’t say that to him) and are now punishing him for it that’s kinda fucked up”

Which took me by surprise right? Cause like 1) kudos to you for getting that intense of a response out of me and 2) this isn’t eye for an eye and past wrongs don’t mean Vesemir shouldn’t have said anything.

But what it DID make me curious about is if any of *that* was going through your or Vesemir’s head (or any other character too!) when making the decision to have that confrontation? Or is the voice in my head just petty and grudge holding lol

Lastly, I thought you should know that this is my favorite Post-Mountain Fic I’ve ever read and easily like top 3 Witcher fics I’ve ever read and I’m not even finished yet!!!

hi, hello, tumblr did not inform me about this ask until just now sorry!!!

anyway, re the reaction it got out of you - i'm sorry and you're welcome, lmao. but yeah, the entire point was for this to be not an eye for an eye situation

also i am very much a pleading eyes emoji about that last bit, thank you so much it means a LOT

but for your question: yes, vesemir was! i don't know if you've finished the fic by now, but just in case you haven't, i'll put this under a readmore so if you don't want a sort of spoiler you can come back when you've finished :D (also it got long, oops lmfao)

so the others were not really thinking about that, because they were all raised the same, and are varying levels of poorly-adjusted/oblivious about it. vesemir, though, was - and is - very aware of the ways he's failed his boys, how he and all of his fellows failed them when the school was functioning. he's also aware of how he was failed, and how much of his regrets likely echo the generations of witchers before him - that the elder have been hurting the younger for hundreds of years.

that is part of the reason that he takes jaskier to the dungeons, shows him the "memorial" of dead boys' names, explains that generational trauma and how it lives in all of them, and how much he hates himself for it. vesemir was upset, at the reminder of kaer seren's fall, and he knows that one day, kaer morhen will finally fall the same - it's just a matter of time. he could have just shown jaskier the memorial tree, the medallions and the names on that stone. but he didn't; he chose to admit to his wrongs, to how viciously he failed geralt, because he is viciously aware of that failure.

he didn't make the choice to give geralt that sort of ultimatum lightly. he did not want to punish geralt for a lack that was vesemir's and other witchers' fault. however, he recognized that geralt was in a cycle of self-destruction and self-sabotage that wasn't going to be moved without force. so he gives him a wake-up call.

however, note that vesemir does not make himself the arbiter of this ultimatum - he tells geralt that until jaskier forgives him, until jaskier says he's repaired the damage he did, that he won't be welcome back. that, specifically? that's not just vesemir recognizing that the person geralt hurt should be a part of this - it's him saying that jaskier is the only one of them who can say.

because none of the witchers are well-adjusted. all of them are broken and traumatized and have coping mechanisms that border on self-destruction. jaskier isn't some kind of all-knowing benevlont judge of rightness, but he's much better adjusted than his witchers, and they all know that. he has the emotional intelligence to handle this in a way none of them can. vesemir knows that the clearest, with the benefit of having been one to raise a new generation of witchers that he knows he damaged, and the reflecting realization that his elders damaged him.

vesemir didn't want to give geralt an ultimatum, to punish him - but like the story he tells about geralt and eskel as children, he needed to impress the importance of what he was saying, and he doesn't really know any other way to do it.

(you might also find some clarification in a lot of the choices i made in the addressing concerns posts i made after the fic finished posting! i also put anything like those, this, or other asks and background in the tag #background post on this blog <3)

[shmothman]

"Fictional gay parasocial enemy"?? PLEASE elaborate. Why would you and nighteye have beef. i gotta know.

I… cannot talk about self insert shit without putting it under a readmore it’s too embarrassing. This is embarrassing bullshit 🤣

(Note: I stopped reading the manga almost 4 years ago. Maybe he’s changed. Maybe he’s dead. Idk if he’s even been in the manga since the fuckin uhhh overhaul arc I don’t remember shit this is all from the version of boku no hero that lives in my head.)

So first off nighteye is a petty bitch. idc if he changed his tune about midoriya after overhaul he was just being petty because the guy he’s in love with wouldn’t listen to him (newsflash asshole you’re in love with the guy with the world’s biggest savior/self-sacrifice complex. you’ve known this the whole time). (Nevermind that I would also be a little upset if I Forsaw the death of the guy I’m in love with and he wouldn’t listen to me and try to prevent it.)

Secondly this would not be a one sided hatred. He would hate my SI so much. For. You know. Uhhhh getting his man. But he’d be so petty and sneaky about it. He would never be a bitch about it in front of toshi. My SI wouldn’t be a fuckin snitch. They would be perfectly pleasant to each other when he’s around. He would be very happy about his friend and his partner getting along so well. And then he leaves and nighteye and my SI drop their fuckin acts. It’s jealously on both ends. Well. More on his end. My SI did get the guy. And nighteye lowkey thinks toshi can do better (namely, that toshi should love him).(Another note: my SI doesn’t meet toshi until post-injury, they don’t get together until after kamino ward. Quite a while afterwards, but I don’t really have a *place* in canon where it happens bc again. I stopped reading 4 years ago. So nighteye and toshi are already friends again when toshi starts dating my SI.) I do think they can get over this (probably fairly quickly honestly) and mostly actually be friends but not until he fucking apologizes for being a jealous bitch.

So basically my SI is mostly mad that he’s being a petty bitch and thinks they aren’t good enough for toshi. And also that he was ever mean to Izuku. And his whole Thing makes me uncomfortable.