#I often think huh why am I doing all that stuff Im not traumatized-

[wingedarchivist]

I have trauma of sorts, but at the same time don't?

Cw for nonconsensual body modification, kidnapping

When I was made into an angel by my God it was nonconsensual and not very pleasant, but I know my soul was altered not to feel bad about it.

I was 'picked off' while traversing hell, lured in by an interesting sensation, and then taken by Her.

I like to compare what happened to my soul as having bleach poured on it, making it 'clean' in a burning, terrible way. I was shaped in ways previously unknown and alien to me, made into a sapient, sentient, divine angel from a barely-sentient beastial hellish monster.

I have very mixed feelings about that. I believe the inherent free will attributed to humans helped me in being able to think about my servitude to Her in a more negative light. I resent Her for that and am deeply thankful. It's a love/hate situation. I am hard-coded not to be able to rebel.

Kin Trauma :(

First off, TRIGGER WARNING, in this post I will be talking about trauma related to war, torture, and mental illness/PTSD as a result of these things. I won't be going in depth about anything specific but just in case I'm giving ya'll a heads up!

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So the reason I came to Earth is mostly clear to me. In my other life I am fighting and leading two separate but also interconnected wars and as a result I've been through a lot of shit. I haven't yet remembered what was going on right before I came to Earth but I know how I was feeling. Angry mostly, like an angsty traumatized teen lashing out at everyone around them lol. I wasn't getting anywhere. In my other life I had gone through one traumatic event after another and then I threw myself into a war against some very powerful beings - I rarely had opportunities to stop and just process what I was going through. Which brings me to Earth. Stopping, processing, going through my emotions and transmuting all that trauma into something that's actually useful. Like I said in my previous post, in order to process all this I have to remember it or at least parts of the traumatic events. And let me tell ya, it has been...eventful trying to receive mental health treatment for PTSD from my other life. The memories started flooding in when I was about 10 years old in the form of nightmares/night terrors. Really graphic nightmares at that. It was difficult as an 11 year old to deal with nightmares about war and torture, one of the worst being when my twin flame/sister was murdered in front of me (that's how I got the scar over my left eye). The biggest way all of this has affected me is that my human brain has a hard time dealing with all this PTSD from things that few humans have ever experienced - things the human brain has not evolved to deal with. I'm on medication to help my mind cope with all this. One of which that has been super helpful is prazosin which reduces the frequency and intensity of nightmares. I still receive traumatic memories through my dreams but with the medication I'm able to actually work through them instead of being disabled by them. A lot of spiritual people will tell you that Earth is like spirit school where souls come to learn and sometimes I joke that me coming to Earth to deal with my issues is like a PTSD survivor going to the psych ward - Earth being my psych ward 😅

I'm sorry if this post was dark or upsetting but for me being otherkin isn't just fun and exciting, it's also angsty and messy and a little ugly. Anyone else have trauma related to their kintype? It'd be nice to know that I'm not the only one XD I'll try to make my next post lighter promise

[the-somwthing]

Looking at all these ship tierlists and seeing the negative tiers makes me realize how much I refuse to dislike ships hahaha. Where are my hot takes???

So, I’m now going to brainstorm any ships I might possibly have a negative opinion on. Warning for ever so slight negativity towards ships

HMMMM HMMMMM man im a lover at heart this is tough. Scott x women is cheating (even then I don’t think I dislike it as much as other ppl there’s some nuance but still generally not for me)

ALRIGHT. TIME TO DIG FOR ANY NEGATIVE FEELINGS.

Was never much of a fan of grumbo/mumscarian. BUT!!! This is because I’m MOSTLY LIFE SERIES VIEWER!!! I only casually enjoy hermitcraft and don’t watch it often. And I KNOW that’s where the ships come from, so all of the life series version of the ship just feels so forced. Which sucks cuz I do actually see some potential for it in like Last Life that would be a hilarious ship!! I definitely lean Grumbo because even in the life series you can see it, tho I see it mostly grian-sided with mumbo technically reciprocating it but not realizing how problematic it is to be dancing around the feelings in the middle of a death game. But that’s just me.

I USED TO BE A GRITHO HATER (but not a full on hater. Just the slightly negative feelings as portrayed here). I remember during limited life I kept seeing gritho stuff and I was like “it’s not gonna happen 🙄” then it happened and I was like 🤯 and bowed down to all the gritho shippers. I also had divine intervention in the form of a dream telling me to ship gritho and now I love them.

Flower husbands is a complicated one that is seen on many negative tiers and I will admit I don’t always like it. But sorry guys I like it just don’t watch Scott’s 3L otherwise you will be traumatized for life

I LOVE RANCHERS but I DON’T LIKE RANCHERS FANS. SORRY. Don’t take this personally either there’s no one in this fandom in particular I dislike (to my memory) but like there’s just something off with rancher fandom idk. It feels like a lot of them are missing the point. My sister is the one who got me into ranchers and even she agrees that a majority of the rancher fan content out here just isn’t it. I feel like it’s the general treatment of Jimmy and the also kind of ignoring Tango in favor of making him just Jimmy’s supportive bf idk. BUT AGAIN DON’T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY I LOVE RANCHERS AND THERES BANGER CONTENT OUT THERE!!!

^ also due to the ranchers vs fh war I feel the need to point out that while I seem nitpicky on ranchers but gave fh a free pass it’s because my problem with ranchers is purely fanon while the problems with fh exists within canon. I do also struggle with fh fanon not being what I want (give me liml fh NOW!!!)

Bringing forth another hot topic YOU WILL NOT BE SEEING BIGGRI HATE FROM ME. Sorry pal they are NOT on this list. I don’t know WHY it’s seen as “soo bad” by like ALL SIDES like ok. HUH? I especially don’t get the stance that ppl hate Biggri cuz it always gets used as a stepping stone for scarian. Like ok so you don’t ACTUALLY hate biggri you just hate scarian. I promise you nobody who says “I love biggri” shares that same sentiment on it that you hate so much. Literally why in the world would someone go “I love biggri soo much because I get to completely ignore it in favor of scarian 😍” like HELLO? I understand if that treatment makes the ship leave a bad taste in your mouth but why is the hate directed at the people who ACTUALLY CARE 😭 I MUST be missing something

SO ON THAT SUBJECT!!! I AM A DL SCARIAN HATER. I LOVE Scarian SOO much but in DOUBLE LIFE… *growls and eyes glow red* STOP VILLAINIZING GRIAN FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH BIGB!! STOP MAKING SCAR LOOK INNOCENT WHEN HE WAS TERRIBLE TO GRIAN!! To be clear I get it. It’s the scarian soulmate AU. I believe there are ways to do it right but in general I just don’t like the way people do it. GIVE ME TOXIC DL SCARIAN OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!

My blog title says “#1 Scott x Joel HATER” but that was a lie sorry guys 😔 I only hate them because they take up 75% of my brain usage

Humm haww idk if I can come up with anything else. Maybe I’ll come back if I remember anything but as I keep saying I AM A LOVER AT HEART!!!

And just to be PERFECTLY CLEAR. I do not care if you have the complete opposite opinions. I don’t hate you!!! Even if I had said “people who ship this are the WORST they’re all BAD” and your url was “that-ship-u-hate-shipper” I WOULDN’T THINK LESS OF YOU!!! I would interact with you like a normal person because I believe in NUANCE and the fact that OPINIONS ON COMPLETELY FICTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS IS NOT A BIG DEAL. We can still be friends ❤️

[lume-nescence]

Genshin Characters Playing FNAF

characters: itto, xiao, shenhe, hu tao

an: i was thinking about this a lot so i wrote it down! this might be ooc because i had too much fun writing this and i’ve written this at school. i haven’t really caught up with fnaf games so i relied on my personal knowledge, i apologize if anything doesn’t seem accurate [sob]

pronouns: you/your

genre: headcanons, pure crack

Arataki Itto

he’s all for it for games

video games? alright!

though it took you a while to explain how the game works because he’s like: “waitwaitwaitwait— what’s the button to shut the doors? OHHHH okay, okay, i got you. and what about the cameras?”

we love our himbo oni

expect him to scream at anything that pops up

like when bonnie/chica appears on either door

he SCREECHES and then brushes it off like “oh, that’s nothing. just a warmup.”

alright man

when he passed the first night he’s flexing real hard. “YEAAAHHHH YOU SEE THAT Y/N??? i passed the first night!”

“yeah good job, just four more nights to go.”

his laughing dies down like: “haha… im sorry what?”

i can picture the look on his face. pure shock.

and then when he saw foxy run up to the door he goes: “uhhh isn’t he supposed to chill at his little cave-“ MANS SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS FROM THE JUMPSCARE AND YOU COULD SEE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE

you’re just laughing at him, laughing even more that you see him immediately hide behind you after that

“we.. are NOT playing that again.”

“come onnnnn you’re backing out already?”

“UHHH UH YEAH no YES? NO? YEAH??? NO— YEAH? NAHHH”

i love itto sm

Xiao

tbh once you told him of the game he’s like: “you mortals and your amusement towards virtual-related matters.”

like bro we know we need to go outside more often

anyways, after tons of persuasion and pestering he gave in seeing there’s no way to avoid this topic

sitting down with your snacks, you see him being a total tryhard. checking cameras, the doors, all that stuff. he’s multitasking at this rate

you didn’t explain anything to him??? how does he know this??? and this is all new to him???

it’s kinda impressive but it’s eerie how he manages to learn all of that as he goes

you didn’t ask though because if you ever ask he’ll go “you have no respect for the-“ yeah we get it you’re built different

i can imagine him muttering ���mortals find this terrifying? i don’t see what’s sinister in this virtual game. this is nothing.”

typical xiao

when he beats a night he’s so unbothered like “okay i won now moving on”

mans speedrunning the game with a straight face, he’s focused as you can tell

he could be a professional gamer if he ever tries to be one imo

he’s just so good it’s unreal

he knows what he’s doing

there’s times where he ALMOST dies and mans clutched it every time almost giving you a heart attack

not a single jumpscare appeared on screen

when he finishes the game he says: “there. i’ve completed your game.” and walks away leaving you flabbergasted and slightly traumatized from the many times he almost dies

what a pro gamer move from xiao

Shenhe

okay well when you asked her if she’ll be willing to play it she literally said yes no questions asked

when you mentioned it to be a scary game she assumed she needs to be involved since there’s “scary monsters”

so that’s probably why she took up the offer so fast

she’s sat, in front of the game screen, staring at it in silence

you’re there like “..okay so, these are the controls—“

“why’s this bear malfunctioning?”

“ah, so that’s—“

“is it a robotic creature?”

“yeah and—“

“huh, that’s interesting.. i’ve never seen something like that before.”

shenhe let us finish

but that’s alright because she has pretty privilege

she’d be the type to ask too many questions, sometimes questions you’ve never expected to be asked from her

“the cameras are used to watch over these creatures? the doors are used to protect the player from them? the battery percentage drains overtime by how much you use it for the functions around us?” “am i supposed to harm them?”

listen she needs this for scientific purposes

after a lot of explaining, she’s got it. she’s a fast learner

same with xiao, she’s speedrunning the game with a straight face. she may have gotten a few jumpscares but when she does she’s unphased.

“i know i’ve failed to surpass this night but is this supposed to scare me?”

LMFAO SHENHE

she’s good at the game, she’s like a casual player but she has a lot of persistence to beat the game and i mean a LOT

that’s cause she wants to you know,, attempt to stop the “evil” by beating the game <3

Hu Tao

this one goes to my upcoming birthday friend

hu tao LOVES scary things, so of course she’s going to play fnaf

she’d be the type to laugh at the slight and actual jumpscares

bonnie appearing? she giggles and shuts the door. chica jumpscares? she goes: “oh! heheheh looks like the chicken’s got me!”

hu tao how-

when you get scared by a jumpscare she’ll look at you and say “oh! y/n! you’re scared? not to worry! i will deal with this game, just watch!”

oh boy

she’ll be smiling the whole time while playing because she hasn’t done something like this before

tbh she’ll be like “this is more fun than taking my nightly strolls! this seems to be more interesting! i believe there’s something up with these creatures as well! and im dying to know!”

she’s having way too much fun

i can imagine when she passed a night she hums with the tune and does a little victory dance

she even took your hands and dance with her too

she really really loves the game, and she’s willing to play more of them <3

[mp100fanworkstranslation]

Better than when you found it -PART 1-

A Complete Doujinshi by Maruta

This book was published in 2016, and currently out of print.  PANELS READ RIGHT TO LEFT

-Flashback-

We’ve got an overnight job? 

Yep

It’s an apartment. According to the landlady, no tenant has lasted for more than three days. We’re going to stay there and look into what’s going on with the place. 

The tenants talked about seeing an evil spirit, but it could just as well be a curse. The other tenants are spooked as well. 

Anyway, this Friday after dinner, all staff will gather at the office and we will head out to the site. 

-The Present-

Reigen stands at the door fiddling with the keys: Eh !? 

Hurry up and open the door!

Master..

Ah, I’ve got our things

Okay, I’ve gotten the door open, Mob, you can go on ahead

Okay

Ugh...

Reigen: Before we go in, I want to go over a few things we should all be aware of. Our onsite investigation here will last three days and two nights....

Anything we do, we do in pairs. We have a strong team, and I don’t think we’ll have a problem, but we still have to take the utmost care to avoid being possessed by the evil spirit that resides here. 

Also, no one will hog the bathroom....or any other part of the unit,

Alright then! 

Let’s go Mob! You’re Up!

Mob: Oh... It’s me again...

Serizawa: Mr Reigen, should you not be the one to enter first, since you’re our......

Reigen: Okay, Okay....

Mob says as he enters the room: Sorry to disturb.....

Mob: Wow, this is cleaner than I expected. 

Reigen: I think the movers did a thorough job. It’s far cleaner than my place to be honest.

Ekubo: Why are you telling us this? It’s not like we’ve ever been there. 

Reigen: Yeah, It’s a corner unit, It’s got a bathroom separate from the shower, and rents for 200 dollars a month. 

Serizawa thinks: This is a really nice unit. It’s a shame it’s a Jiko Bukken only 200 dollars a month.... 

(In Japan, if something bad happens in a house, such as a death, or a murder there’s a belief the space is tainted by the event. So it becomes really difficult to rent the apartment out. Often the ONLY way to rent it out is to offer it super cheap.)

Ekubo and Mob thinks: There’s something here....

There’s a click as Ekubo opens a closet

Ekubo: Huh? There’s a folding bed here. 

He looks at Mob

Ekubo: So... Are we all going to fight over the single bed?

Reigen: No, Mob, you take it. 

Mob: I’m more comfortable sleeping on a floor futon. Maybe Ekubo or Mr Serizawa can decide? Rock paper scissors? 

Ekubo vs Serizawa, Rock Paper Scissors.

After many MANY rounds, there is no winner so they decide all sleep on the floor. Reigen is setting the alarm clock.

Mob thinks: It feels like a school trip for some reason, without the part where we talk about crushes. The others are all grown men.

Reigen: Hey we should tell fun stories! 

Serizawa: Yeah!

Reigen: You go first Mob! You’re the youngest. 

Mob thinks: Eh... what? Why am I always going first? 

Mob thinks: Something fun.....

Mob: When I was little, there was a takoyaki stand at the intersection near my house. Me and my brother often went there together.

We were very small then, but I still remember it clearly.

Tiny Mob: Takoyaki!

Tiny Ritsu:  Ya-ki

Mother: You want some? 

 Mother gives Ritsu some money. 

Mother: Here, take this. Don’t lose it. Split it with your brother.

Ritsu: ~kay

Mother: RITSU WAIT..WAIT

No, not like that! That’s not how you split it! 

Mob: That was the first time Ritsu got yelled at. I think it traumatized him, because he wouldn’t use paper money for a long time. 

All the Adults: ITS SO CUTE (Look at these dudes, overcome with the cuteness, haha)

Ekubo: Haha, never thought Ritsu would have a story like that. I thought he just liked coins so he could flick them at people. He seems the type. 

Mob: Actually, I recently got a wallet for him for bills. He accepted it but looked somewhat horrified.  

Ritsu: Th....Thank you brother.  Mob thinks: Please don’t take this the wrong way.

Ekubo: Okay, it’s my turn! Mine’s also about Ritsu! 

Serizawa thinks: Looks like a Ritsu bashing session is starting

-Elsewhere, Ritsu loses it-

Ekubo: He slipped on the ice outside of that new pharmacy, and was just flailing around for like nine or ten minutes.

Everybody is laughing. 

Some time passes and Reigen notices that it’s almost midnight. 

Reigen: Okay everyone, we should call it a day.

He burrows into his pillow and tries to sleep, but the others are still talking....

and talking...... and talking.....

GO TO SLEEP! -He throws a pillow into everyone’s faces.

This is one of Reigen’s special moves, where he accurately pitches a pillow into the faces of multiple opponents at once, shutting them up simultaneously.

(This doujinshi came out before the OVA, where he tries to start a pillow fight. Impressive that the author called it.)

Ekubo: WHAT THE HELL! 

Reigen: WE HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP NOW

Ekubo: WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TUNE US OUT AND SLEEP YOURSELF!

Reigen: ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU GUYS ARE SO LOUD

Serizawa: Um....Let...Lets please stop fighting. 

As Serizawa attempts to break them up, a shadow creeps along the wall behind him. 

Some time passes and everyone is asleep. Reigen is smoking on the balcony. The door opens behind him. 

Reigen: So... are you also the type that has trouble falling asleep on an unfamiliar pillow? 

Serizawa: N..No... I’m just feeling a little too excited to sleep.

Mr Reigen, you smoke? -ah no, I don’t want one.-

Reigen: Yeah, I have one now and then. I don’t smoke when Mob is around. 

Serizawa: Um..... I.....

I....I’m really happy about today.

Reigen: eh?

Serizawa: For a long time, was convinced that a real job would be too much for me. The stress, the pressure, the fatigue. That I’d always have something to complain about. I thought that was what it would be like.... 

-Claw out in public-

Serizawa: In many ways, my time at Claw was interesting....but now Kageyama senpai is my friend, and also my superior. Mr. Reigen is the boss. Ekubo is the first friendly spirit I’ve ever met.

But.....

Serizawa: This is the first time I’ve ever had an outing with people that I could call my friends.  I..... Im so happy, I don’t know how to express that. 

(Again, this book came out 2 years before the OVA)

It’s unprofessional, I know. I.... I guess I still have a lot to learn.  

It’s nice isn’t it? Don’t sweat it... you’re one of us. 

Serizawa: TH..THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Reigen: Heh... it’s fine now, though you might want to tone down that excitement if we’re out in public. 

-The Next Day-Things start getting serious.

To be continued- 

This comic is about 30 pages and will be translated in parts. Check the table of contents for updates.

I love this comic. Team Spirits and Such is four dudes that are lonely in their own different ways, and it’s so great to see them just do stuff together, hang out and just be the friends that they all so desperately need.  

[wokestraightpuffy]

Hallo, i hope you are alright and that my ask aren’t annoying but I wanted to ask do you have any c!puffy headcannons? —🤡

YOURE NOT ANNOYING AT ALL !!! NEVER THINK THAT ILU VERY MUCH. MUAH /p

as for c!puffy headcanons, i am not the best person to ever organize their thoughts properly but ill try my best >:’D

ahaha. this got. super complex and way too long and more of like an introspective study to puffy now instead of harmless fun headcanons so, uh. under read more <3 (also reminder this is all /rp and /dsmp)

* i like to think that she has a hero complex, but its a bit different since she never really sees herself as an ‘important’ part of the story, not the main character but a support one, hence ‘im fine with being the side character’ or how she’s said she doesnt care what happens to her and would gladly sacrifice(?) herself if there werent other people she had to protect. girl u need therapy urself <3

* though very open with how she feels and never afraid to say when someone/something is upsetting her, ‘opening up’ is still a whole mountain climb for her, apparently. like, she’d rant about the egg, get mad at the eggpire, let off some steam by committing arson or exploding stuff, she’ll rarely ever talk about how much the stuff that upset her actually HURT her. does that make sense? LIKE, she’ll lash out, she’ll get mad, she’ll take NO SHIT thrown at her face, but to show the kinda vulnerability of dealing with that? to cry about it talk about those feelings with someone? I think she’d rather eat her own foot lol

* adding onto the thing above, she doesnt necessarily actually realize this about herself. less of actively doing it and rather growing... used to the ‘cycle of violence’ in the smp as they call it. and the fact that rarely have people really asked, that no one’s actually available for that, w her losing her closest friends, bad and ant, sam being busy w the warden stuff... and niki. yeah. there’s foolish, but i doubt she’d ever see venting to someone she considers her son appealing

* also. puffy is just sometimes... really bad at conveying sadness. i think she’s a rare crier. id go as far to say that shes even more emotionally constipated than dream, lol (but maybe not while the guy’s in his prison arc) and that she’d be the type of person to tell you its okay to cry but beat herself up over something if she let a tear slip in a heated moment

* speaking of sadness. she’ll only ever actually Be Sad if she’s alone or with someone she doesnt necessarily care the opinions of. yknow how she mourned for tommy and blamed herself? those dialogue bits? yeah, those are only times shed actually be vulnerable

* puffy’s go to response to the egg and how its fucked up her relationship w her friends is pure fury. but, going off of her line about ‘failing bad and ant’ i like to think that she probably hates herself the most about it. THAT IS A STRONG WORD LOL BUT YEAH. she yells and curses and gets mad, but sometimes i wonder if the words she had spat before were more directed to herself

* THIS GIRL HAS SELF-IDENTITY PROBLEMS. CAN WE GET A HELL YEAH FOR THAT CHAT? outside of having no goddamn clue about where she came from, how she got here and who she even is, scrounging up a role for herself in a server with a war on the background and traumatized kids got her resignedly coerced into thinking that she is only a Parent. Only good enough when she’s actually doing something Useful for people. SO. when she finds that ship? of having a crew and having a curse? OF FINDING OUT SHE MIGHT HAVE/ HAVE HAD A MOM THATS WAITING FOR HER?  the sense of control she has on herself is absolutely crushed. shattered, and she’s left to pick up the pieces w no one to talk abt it with <3

* adding onto the above, it’s why the line ‘I’m supposed to be mama puffy. me.’ hurts me so much! so yes! please cry with me :D

* also to add more on the fact that she thinks she’s only worth something when she’s being useful, puffy literally contemplated leaving the server, thinking that it wouldnt matter leaving since no one really needs her anyway, since she’s failed so many people. bad and ant, tommy, dream. shes said how foolish can take care of himself on how tubbo and ranboo have each other, how she and niki have drifted so far away from each that it might as well be a break up.

HOOOOOOOOOO OBOY . anon youve really given me the perfect chance to ramble huh? sorry for the rather incomprehensible brainrot, here’s more lighthearted headcanons about puffy asdhfkd

* she cannot stand still sometimes. she always has to be doing something extra, walking when the prime path is right there? shed rather go through tedious little holes or hop and balance onto fences to get where shes going. she’ll mindlessly fix up the path when there are holes or mismatched wood, and one time went on a long, long LONG journey cleaning up the paths tommy purposely DESTROYED near lmanburg and even added cobblestone sidings which werent there before

* puffys a bit of a sentimental person. writing in her log to clear her thoughts sometimes and cared enough to try and preserve lmanburg with the glass sheet and trying to find possible surviving artifacts of history to respect it, even though she’s never been a part of it. its also why, when doomsday happened and lmanburg got permanently poofed, she began to appreciate the buildings that are still standing and began taking more pics 

* she’s not used to being... what do you call it, um, cared for? she’d deflect compliments sometimes, when shes having a particular bad day, like, she’d laugh nervously and change the subject, sometimes she’d outright deny it, most days she’d jokingly say ‘staphhh it’ and add a very genuine thanks. my point being is, do something for puffy that is mildly nice and she’d keep that moment in her heart forever. 

* also funny story regarding the above. u know how karl is notorious for stealing her materials? and how puffy was contemplating doing something in retaliation for them? karl says hi for once when she joins the server and she goes ‘alright fine youre safe for saying hi’ LOL THIS WAS PROBABLY A BIT META WISE but something about this implying that the bare minimum or LESS is enough to make puffy forgive someone is very sad and funny at the same time for me. girl really said ‘oh you said hi to me? thats nice all the crimes youve ever done towards me is now forgiven. <3’ (this is a bit of an exaggeration on my part, ofc, i just think its funny LMAO) 

* ironically, despite being the ‘captain’, whenever riding a boat with someone, she prefers being on the backseat and letting them drive. ig shes just there for the ride i suppose, her and her uber drivers :3

 * she either has a rather unhealthy obsession with baked potatoes or she just doesnt wanna waste eret’s massive potato farm

* idc what cc!puffy says is c!puffy will always and forever be 5′2″ in my HEART. u are the shortest member, u cannot change this <3

* shes really fond of animals/ neutral mobs. she often baby talks to them and they help boost her mood a lot when shes having a bad day :D

* up to this day, the little secret rooms she’s created around the server have all been yet to be discovered, unless the one under bad’s house has been found. she rarely ever really keeps tabs on them, and more often than not they are just collecting dust. she still visits sometimes and cleans them up ofc

* she still genuinely thinks dream can change. cc!puffy’s line about that, ‘i’m his last hope.’ really makes me think about this a lot. 

* ive seen people talk abt it a bit but the headcanon that puffy acts as the server mom to fill the ‘void’ of her missing her mom makes me cry at night /hj

* she really likes her rainbow onesie! i headcanon that eret gave her that along w the sunglasses, but she started wearing that less when she found her old captains uniform. shes never really said why, though, and nobody ever really bothered to ask

* god bless this woman but sometimes the server members get on her nerves sometimes so she goes out of her way to traverse along far away from the main community to maybe commit a few crimes. let off some steam. these take a few days but she always returns

i probably have a lot more hcs but i cant remember them >_> THIS IS A LOT ANYWAY. HOPE U ENJOYED MY BRAIN VOMIT. IF U READ THIS FAR ILU THANK U

if there are mistakes it is bc i am crying and cannot see my keyboard and also i am sleep deprived /hj

[ectonurites]

My least favorite type of fic!Tim is when he’s portrayed as depressed/very mentally and emotionally unstable, but also at the same time as someone who is like lauded as being super dangerous/the most skilled or something like that?? Those fics where Tim is chugging caffeine and barely sleeping, but characters are still like “oh I wouldn’t wanna piss off Tim he is Dangerous” and that’s annoying enough but then there are fics that at the same time as that portray him as like on the edge of a breakdown. It’s very irritating even if I’m not sure I can articulate exactly why, it just really rubs me the wrong way. Like, I definitely do think Tim has some issues with depression and stuff, but in fics like those it’s treated more like a quirk sort of instead of a serious issue

LMAOO I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT i’m not a fan of that either. I’m apologizing in advance if I sound mean in any of this critique i’m about to give of that fanon version of him. I want to preface this by saying that people can write whatever the hell they want, like, they’re allowed to! And I’m not referencing/calling out any specific works here. Just trends. But I’m gonna bitch about some things I’ve noticed that annoy me, personally. (so again, not saying other people can’t enjoy this stuff! just. not for me)

so like sorry if im mean but this is just me ranting and also this is my blog anyways so:

(nobody take this as an attack on them please because it’s really not)

The problem is a lot of those fics seem to interpret Tim’s behavior in Red Robin (& especially like that last whole arc of his Robin run also by FabNic) as if that’s his normal, rather than the result of a few years of CONSTANT traumatic incidents pushing him to a breaking point (because while all the shit he went through with his Dad, Steph, Kon, Bart, and then Bruce dying was spread out over several years for us as readers, it’s regarded as like within two years in canon! It all happens when he’s 16 and 17. According to the Batman comic right after War Games, Jack was murdered only days after Steph died.

(Batman #634)

That’s a LOT to process for one kid jesus christ) 

I love Red Robin honestly, I do, but it is about Tim at the lowest points in his life. It’s the grand finale of Tim’s story, and everything crumbles, that’s kinda the point! The end leaves him in a position to either rebuild himself or fall apart. It’s all about how he chooses to continue after this point!

(Red Robin #26)

The way he acts and the things he does in that comic should be regarded as such. He can’t live the way he does in Red Robin forever or he will literally burn himself out/become something unrecognizable, like, jesus it’s kinda even acknowledged in the comic when he thinks about what his potential futures would be if he keeps it up like he’s doing:

(Red Robin #25)

He sees himself as dead, as Batman (which he has countless times said he doesn’t want to be and at this point in his history almost every time he’s seen a future he became Batman in he had become a killer), or needing to retire and taking over an Oracle-esque role, likely because he exerted himself too much to continue. 

When you look at him around this same timeframe when he’s not isolating himself/too deep into the mission and is instead working with his friends back on the Titans, you can see that he is starting to heal and work in a more positive direction. He’s choosing to work on coming out of this rough period by being together with his friends who he loves.

(Teen Titans (2003) #100)

Not to say that you can’t write about situations in which he doesn’t start to come out of it, but if you are doing so it’s something you should be taking seriously because that’s the idea you want to explore, not just acting like it’s perfectly okay or normal? (And again, there are a lot of works that do explore it in good ways, there’s just also a LOT that don’t)

Like, so much content I see just make any sadness and depression and tendency to over-work himself that’s rooted in his traumas (which! those do have a basis in canon!) into a quirky personality trait rather than a response to trauma. Acting as if he’s always been this way and it’s normal for him. That’s what bothers me. If people want to seriously explore the effects of all these incidents and how that plays into his ability to do his job as a hero, then hell yes do it! But when it all gets brushed off as ‘oh thats just tim, he just doesnt eat or sleep or feel any happiness but like its fine he’s just always been like that’ I feel my blood boil. 

This also often strikes me as related/tied to fanon’s seemingly never-ending quest to make Tim into this victim of so many things he really wasn’t. They make his childhood 10x worse than it actually was (yes he was lonely because he was sent to boarding schools rather than having his parents around, but he was NOT just left home alone all the time as a child. 

(Batman #441)

He snuck away during a school vacation week to follow Bruce one (1) time and to then track down Dick. This is established in his introduction story! PLEASE read Lonely Place of Dying!) and it just... going with those fanon assumptions as being true changes so much of how people characterize him! 

Some people will also (not to call out tim/kon shippers especially because I  literally am also one but) vilify the shit out of Steph and make their relationship out to be some abusive thing rather than just... a messy teen relationship between vigilantes because they had really complicated lives and baggage with one another? Which they both acknowledge they made mistakes in!

(Red Robin #10)

Or people will vilify the shit out of Dick in regards to the situation at the start of Red Robin, or literally just make anyone who Tim ever had a disagreement with out to be the bad guy despite the actual situations always being way more complex and multi-faceted than that.

And then on top of all that, aside from making him into this ‘im broken 24/7 and not doing anything to fix it also everyone around me is terrible to me’ type of character, because he’s a lot of people’s favorite, they also want him to be as cool and strong as he is at his high points. So they’re projecting all this stuff onto him that makes him what should be a barely functioning person but then also act like that’s fine and he’s able to be a dangerous badass on top of it. 

Like I’m sorry but someone who is going out and actively acting as a vigilante like that which is incredibly physically taxing is NOT surviving on coffee alone and no sleep. That’s literally not possible, he’d fucking collapse. (And like, again, if you want to explore him pushing himself to that point, that’s one thing! but acting like he can manage all of that for more than a few days at a time/maybe while working on one really tough case is nuts!) and like, even canon can be a little guilty of this type of thing particularly since the New 52 (Detective Comics 2016 had more than a few references to him barely sleeping, but at least they also made references to him eating normally/healthily and he wasn’t completely self isolating or anything) (and also that comic had him be so self sacrificial he was ready to die to save everyone and only didn’t die because of Mr.Oz’s interference, he’s definitely not in his best place there) but usually it’s still within some realm of possibility.

Also like. The fanon ‘chugging coffee to survive thing’ just annoys the shit out of me because, like, yes there’s a few moments in canon where he’s under a lot of pressure and pushing himself further than he normally would and had some coffee (one of the only times I can even remember him having it on panel is... oh... during that last Robin arc I just mentioned a little while ago shouldn’t be where you source your normal characterization of him because it’s a very difficult situation that pushes him further than he normally would go! huh!) But the thing is like, people play it off for laughs, or like it’s a normal thing he would do at any time in his life! If you want to explore him pushing himself and using coffee as a crutch, like, there’s ways you can write it that takes it seriously, but almost every time I see it come up in fics it is like a core part of his personality and just ‘oh haha silly tim always with his entire pot of coffee he must chug every morning or he’ll die :^)’ And that bothers the hell out of me. 

In general it’s just... people treat Tim so weird. They want him to be so many different things that he’s shown himself to be at different times for very specific reasons, except they want him to do all of it at the same time which just doesn’t work. A person can’t function like that, and it’s not even close to who he is in canon. 

Again, people can do what they want, and this is just my opinion obviously, but yeah. My two cents on the matter.  Read Lonely Place of Dying, read Young Justice, read his Robin run. Read his comics and get a feel for who he was before all the rest of his trauma, and see how he canonically reacts to it along the way. I know reading comics can be tough for some people but so much stuff just echo chambers and becomes barely recognizable in this fandom and it’s just... a shame when it happens with a character ya love. 

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

what are the randomest hcs you have for gossip girl, but absolutely love?

ohh this is such a fun question, but at the same time, more than my own headcanons, it’s random bits of canon that are so fascinating to me.

there’s a lot of tiny details in canon that i adore (nate’s favourite movie being the sound of music, serena & dan reading nylon together, dan being fashion savvy, jenny making her first dress at age 8, dan & nate having a don draper pact, chuck having a kangaroo tattoo he got in australia when he was really drunk, blair & serena being co-captains of the lacrosse team, dan and vanessa attending morrissey concerts together...) 

yeah so honestly more than headcanons i love how many hilarious things we got in canon (that bit where rufus is like ‘remember you needed your hand held on the way to school when you were in junior school, or else you’d cry, jenny?’ and jenny looks at him scathingly and she’s like ‘that was dan’ dkslhflkhg such a beautiful moment.)

so! i can’t rlly compare to this, very much. here’s a few random ones, though (some of which might show up in fics i’m writing/ i will write):

i feel like blair in junior school definitely had horse girl energy. idk if she was actually a horse girl, but i bet she was really intense.

nate is the best sports captain ever; he has all the skills needed to be a good captain. he’s good at strategizing on the field, at knowing what his players’ strengths and weaknesses are, at making everyone feel like they’re part of the team. everyone who’s ever played any sports with nate falls in love with him a little at the end of it.

in fact, i describe nate to people who haven’t watched gg as ‘the troy bolton of the gossip girl universe.’ am i wrong? (no. and nate/vanessa makes me think of troy/gabriella. i think just because of how smiley and wholesome and sweet both relationships can be? idk.)

vanessa &/or serena take dan to his first pride because he needs moral support. (if it’s vanessa and serena, and they end the parade with becoming girlfriends...nothing like it, honestly.)

dan can play the piano reasonably well.

nate doesn’t get the same childhood pop culture references his peers do, because what movies and shows he was allowed to watch were closely monitored by anne and howard. he had to sneakily watch cartoons at blair’s place, and at serena’s place. but sometimes dan & jenny will reference disney movies and he’ll be like, “huh?” 

i think more than rufus, alison’s the one who really encourages dan to be a writer & supports his writing.. while he’s younger. which i think is part of why her leaving hurts dan so massively.. he’s always felt like alison understood him better than rufus. and then alison leaves and he just doesn’t understand how it was so easy for her to go, how she could just leave him like that. and it hurts.

dan and jenny just GET each other’s creativity and ambition. they support each other in every possible way. dan’s birthday gift to jenny will always contain sewing supplies, along with whatever else she’s been wanting. jenny, from a very young age, has been gifting dan novelty dictionaries and thesauruses dead seriously. it’s fine though; he loves it.

in the same vein... dan knows a lot about fashion, and everything he knows he knows from jenny, because he’s listened to her and encouraged her and paid attention to her designing stuff over the years. SIMILARLY: jenny’s fucking amazing at scrabble, and can be a walking thesaurus at times, and is really good at proof-reading people’s writing, despite not being a writer. (’what? my brother’s a writer, you have no idea what i grew up around.’)

serena and nate 100% get high together a lot of the time and it’s a lot of fun!!

nate is a dog person & dan is a cat person. (when they move in together for a bit, jenny gets them a pet bird as a compromise.) 

serena is extremely good at maths & physics, relatively good at bio and chem. nobody really expects it, and she doesn’t announce it or broadcast it, and often due to the traumatic stuff happening in her life, her performance at school isn’t really the best. but she’s amazing at it. she’d also be really good at law, and psychology.

nate hates sitting in one place and reading books. he LOVES audiobooks, though. and documentaries and movies. he just finds it hard to like. flip pages and read.

something i’ve thought about a lot is that it makes a lot of sense for nate to have some sort of learning disability but very, very mild. like, super mild dyslexia. so it doesn’t get diagnosed and everyone keeps telling him to “try harder” but he genuinely is doing his best...

i’m really sad we didn’t get a debate club during the college arc, because dan & blair would be the PERFECT british parliamentary debate team. they would destroy everyone! 

finally (this is so random but. what isn’t really) i don’t think dan would propose to blair. i think, given the way marriage has been for her, with the louis thing and then the chuck thing, dan would just be like. ‘i would love to be married to her but i think this is something she’s got to initiate, and im not going to push her.’ he would do a very good job at being quiet about how badly he wants to marry her... right until blair reads something he’s working on (possibly by accident, i think both of them WOULD respect the other’s privacy and not snoop) and she’s like.. ‘dan you want to marry me?” and dan’s like “well obviously??” and she’s like ‘it wasn’t obvious to me.’ and it doesn’t come up again until later, when blair gets them both engagement rings and just goes, ‘we’re engaged now, i suppose.’ and then they do something romantic to celebrate.

[unintentionalgenius]

I posted 3,950 times in 2021

117 posts created (3%)

3833 posts reblogged (97%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 32.8 posts.

I added 1,872 tags in 2021

#0 - 389 posts

#spn - 1003 posts

#you gave me an eldritch monster and called it a man - 118 posts

#art - 97 posts

#dean winchester - 50 posts

#castiel - 50 posts

#911 s5 - 44 posts

#destiel - 41 posts

#evan buckley - 40 posts

#eddie diaz - 40 posts

Longest Tag: 132 characters

#once again i am reminding ryan murphy et al that this show doesn't have to be so tight that we never get time to experience emotions

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Actually Tim has said that Eddie Díaz was written because of Ryan Guzmán, he did an audition for a Fox show and he decided not to take the opportunity because he didn’t like it. But 911 saw his tape and decided to literally create Eddie as an image of Ryan, which is why he has the same ethnicity and background.

oh WOW so like. it is SUPER because of ryan. male television writers really will just have a crush on an attractive man and go to any lengths to get them on their show, huh.

(ty anon!)

11 notes • Posted 2021-09-05 05:25:05 GMT

#4

Ok beloveds I have a confession

I have never seen s1 of 911

I’m about to start the first episode right now

11 notes • Posted 2021-09-06 03:03:06 GMT

#3

my brother had a very bad leg break. of course no where near the extreme of a truck crushing him, but a bad open fracture to both his tibia and fibula. he has and will continue to have chronic pain from it all his life. when he over does it, he limps. its sore when it rains. i want to see those moments with buck.

oh wow! I am so sorry that happened to him; even if it wasn't as bad it's still so traumatic and that must have been (and probably remains, on some level) really hard.

But I totally agree, there's no way he's just - fine. Even in as temperate a climate as LA, that doesn't just go away. Also I would love to see representations of chronic pain onscreen! In a character we already love and have already invested in. My biggest "tim et al. meet me in the parking lot" grudge is how they tend to only remember the horrifically traumatic things they do to their characters when it's convenient.

16 notes • Posted 2021-09-05 03:40:37 GMT

#2

y'all I am worried about maddie like she's a personal friend. i was just washing dishes thinking "where is she gonna go? is she gonna be ok? does she have a plan? she can't quit most of those meds cold turkey I hope she's thinking about that..." i'm CONCERNED

21 notes • Posted 2021-10-06 18:27:14 GMT

#1

you are 100% right about the tattoos

i think oliver has one on his wrist that does does get covered but im not totally sure

ahhh I love when I'm mostly right

also would LOVE to know what oliver has on his wrist that is so ooc they covered it and not Ryan's v aggressive fancy script down one whole arm lol

though actually as i think about it I can TOTALLY talk myself into the v big fancy script being in character (I can talk myself into most things lbr) bc it says something I recall as being realistic for Eddie to have tattooed on his body (there's a really good screenshot of it from some point where he's chilling in the truck with his arm laying along the window but I can't find it because tumblr is trash for searching)

on a separate note I am always STUNNED by actors who have the number of tattoos someone like oliver has, bc when I was coming up (maybe because I did theatre rather than film?) it was absolutely drummed into anyone who wanted to be a performer that you just absolutely did not get tattoos and if you did, you got them in places they wouldn't show very often, and you got really good at covering them for auditions and stuff but in general it was super frowned upon

and yet here comes oliver with?? maybe like 8 or 10 distinct tattoos? many in very visible places? our acting teachers would NEVER have let us get away with that lol

28 notes • Posted 2021-09-04 23:59:50 GMT

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[thatweirdmod]

Windowless Moviemaker Chapter 6: Race

Windowless Moviemaker

Chapter 6: Race

Kidney turns and leaves me sitting against the wall-- speechless.

My eyes slowly move over to Mitchol, whose slouching form is now cast in darkness by Kidney's shadow. I think, hollowly, that the blood drying on his face probably itches a little. Mitchol manages a small squirm in his ropes.

"Well?" Kidney demands irritably.

Mitchol's swelling, battered face jerks up to attention at Kidney. "W-what?" He dares to ask.

"You're up. Give me a plan."

"Oh," Mitchol says. "Er, I just expected-"

"Is there something you don't understand about your situation?" Kidney interrupts. "You don't get to expect anything. Now, the plan."

"Uh, well, I guess we need to get to their computers somehow. They probably ripped DVDs too. Redhand's a little old fashioned. We might also have to look out for tapes..."

Kidney crosses his arms, scowling. "If I kill these guys, then wipe their houses, am I gonna have to worry that I missed a spot because you couldn't point me in the right direction?"

Mitchol attempts to splay his hands. "Look, I know where my stuff is, but how am I supposed to know exactly where their stuff is?"

Kidney chews at the inside of his cheek angrily and walks over to the table to grab a notebook and pen. "Let's just start with addresses," he says, poising to write. "Redhand."

"He lives up in Tindle in those stained up white apartments. Er, I think the number's 46."

"Costriel." Kidney demands, looking up from his scribbling.

"He lives in an apartment too, and he's actually rooming with Nethandre." Mitchol says. "316, in the Fortitude Apartments."

Kidney nods his head.

"So, er," Mitchol begins. "What are you planning to do now that you know where these guys are?"

"You remember how I said you don't get to expect anything?" Kidney says patronizingly. "The same applies to asking. I, the one who is allowed to expect and ask, do not expect you to open your mouth unless I ask you something."

Mitchol swallows and shifts in his blood-stained bindings.

Then Kidney turns to one of the concrete walls, as if it called his name. He stands, staring at it silently, before asking another question.

"Did you... Did you give those videos to my uncle too?"

Mitchol's mouth quivers. "H-he, uh... he was the one who suggested that, you know, we needed some extra insurance on you in the first place. So yeah."

Kidney stands still, unanswering and unmoving, but I can see his jaw working slightly.

"But please!" Mitchol sputters. "Dude, I-I.. I totally forgot about that earlier-- when you asked who had the videos." His arms press up against the ropes, trying to shield his body. Kidney walks in front of him. "I wasn't holdin' out on purpose or anyth-" Mitchol is cut off by Kidney smacking him over the head with a closed palm.

"Just out of curiosity, Mitchol," Kidney says. "If I hadn't asked about Uncle Stoulfer just now, would you ever have "remembered" to tell me?"

"We-w-w-well I don't know." Mitchol trembles with his hands splayed open and his eyes wide. "Guess it's a good thing you jogged my memory man, ha..."

Kidney turns and paces slowly, shaking his head. "I never liked the way that old, crusty loaf looked at Krin, even at me. But for my own selfish reasons, I ignored it all this time." He scoffs lightly. "Just one more reason to be glad I'm out." He turns back and looks Mitchol dead in the face. "The blinders are off."

"So you're aaalll alone," I say from the corner.

Kidney's eyes shoot to me, surprised.

"What? You thought I'd be totally traumatized just from that?"

His gaze narrows hatefully.

"So some weird shit happened and you saw my dream. It prompted you to get the jump on us, but that was mostly luck. And that's probably as far as your luck will go in regards to picking useful kernels of information outta piles of brain vomit." I snort. "Even my thing was more useful, because I saw you in real time."

Kidney smiles. "Where did I see your dream?"

"Huh?"

"It was inside your mind. It had to have been, 'cause that's where they're all cooked up." Kidney says, tapping the side of his head. "The moon is almost full again. That has to count for something." He breathes in. "I can go further with this. But I'll make sure you stay at your current level. You'll be underground here where you can't touch the moonlight."

"You don't even know what the hell 'this' is." I say.

"Pretty smug talk for a guy who's about to lose everything," Kidney says, with his mouth turned upwards in a smirk that doesn't reach his stony eyes.

"What better time to be smug than when you're about to lose everything?"

His face contorts with all the nasty feelings that must be roiling around inside of him. "I told you I'd take everything from you, and this bullshit positive nihilism of yours will be one of the things. I'll make you understand how bad playing as the loser really is, even if the game has the same black ending for everyone."

He takes Mitchol's phone out of his pocket, then says, "Mitchol, you told me you could set Redhand up."

Mitchol breathes in. "Redhand's looking for a new place to do his snuff movies, so I'm thinking maybe I can tell him I found a good place, and you can catch him there?"

"Hmm," Kidney says, folding his arms. "Why does he happen to need a new location now?"

Mitchol explains, "He's been under some suspicion lately. His neighbors've been complaining about a smell, like rotten something, coming from his apartment."

I don't need to wonder what that smell could be. I watched a video where Redhand Heriolt cut a girl open with a sharpened can top. It'd probably taken a fair amount of practice to learn how to do, but he'd managed to keep his subject awake and alive while he pulled out part of her intestines, smeared the pungent brown contents over both of them, and pleasured himself.

I had thought, while clicking through Redhand's contributions, that cleaning up set after filming that kinda stuff would be way too much of a pain. Looks like Redhand thought so too. That filth and gore in the background really had been as caked-on as it looked.

Mitchol continues, "He even got, you know, reported to the cops 'cause someone heard screams. Redhand laughed it off, sayin' it was slasher flicks playing on the TV. They left after he promised to turn the volume down, and they never got a search warrant or nothin'. Still, better not push it, right?"

I nearly snort. Well no shit someone heard screams if he was doing that stuff in an apartment.

Kidney asks, "Where do you plan on telling him to go?"

Mitchol swallows weirdly, with something about him quivering. "That ghost town 40 minutes southeast of Grishee, the neighborhood has a bunch of abandoned old houses. I know a little white one has a basement too. I think I could convince him it's ideal."

A frown of skepticism sends Kidney's lips pointing downwards, but then he walks closer to Mitchol and loosens some of the bindings so he can move one of his hands. Just as soon, however, Kidney slips a pocket knife out of his back pocket and pops the blade out against Mitchol's neck.

Mitchol gasps sharply, but Kidney just places the previously confiscated cell phone into his newly freed hand. "Text him," Kidney says into Mitchol's ear, adjusting the angle of the knife. "Make it sound natural, and make sure he goes to that little white one."

Mitchol's throat bobs, as much of a nod as there was going to be. He goes to work on the keys:

"sup dood. te ghosted out hood in Caplum has som gud spots. white house wit te green dor has a cool basement."

And "SEND".

Kidney's mouth quirks to the side. "I know I said to make it natural, but are you sure he'll get that?"

Mitchol chokes, "Yeah, I mean, I text him like that often enough."

"I see," Kidney says. Then, the phone buzzes.

"R U THERE NOW?"

"Eh, what should I say?" Mitchol asks.

"If this is a test, you might not be able to answer follow-up questions confirming that you're there. You're at home, got it?"

"nah im chillin in my plce. u out?"

"NO. HOME RUBING1 IN BEEFSLAB+blood I BAWT.CANT HUNT BUT NEed it bad."

"lol. tis Caplum spot wil fix u up. no 1 evr gos der. wnna chekit out togetrr?? jst gimme a time bro."

"nightS YUNG.TERES TIME TO CATCHA WOMAN I LEAVE RN. BETHERE 1HR???"

"frige lvl cool dood XD"

"I didn't say you were supposed to go too," Kidney purrs lowly over Mitchols shoulder. "But, I suppose you can just be 'late.'"

He takes the phone out of Mitchol's hand and re-tightens the ropes. "I can handle Redhand Heriolt from here."

With that, he turns on his heels, clops up the concrete stairs, and leaves me and Mitchol to rot in the bunker.

I look at Mitchol. "Please tell me you just tricked him somehow," I say.

"Shh," Mitchol replies quietly.

A couple of little sparks flare up in my chest and head. If I had the energy, I'd click my tongue. Don't you shush me, bitch. I whispered anyway.

Black silence begins settling down between us, and I close my eyes. The concrete is hard against my body, and I can feel us becoming one via temperature as my warmth seeps away into its cold. I move my lips, and a barely audible, hoarse series of whispers spills from them.

"Mother Earth, Mother Earth, once again to us give birth."

Suddenly, a violent roiling upheaves my stomach, like Poseidon's stormy fist punching the sea in wrath and sending the waters booming and swashing. I projectile vomit all over myself and the floor. The deja vu from my dream hits me first, and then the disgust and embarrassment of real life.

Mitchol jumps, as much as he can tied up anyway. His face is tense with that look of distubia, shock, fear, and concern that I hate directed

at me. "Wha.. are you okay man?"

A suck in a stinging, bile stained breath and respond to him in stench coated words. "No. Fuck... we just... we need to get the fuck out of here."

I lick my lips, and regret pools inside my mouth as my tongue pulls foul bits and cooling, sour fluid back into it.

There's a book of religion that says god will not be mocked and is not to be tested. I suppose I couldn't rightly be of the wombs and births of two different mothers at my own convenience. I never considered myself a man of faith, but this stuff I've been touching-- it seems to be some part of a sprawling realm beyond scientific knowledge.

I look down at myself. The sight of me must be making Mitchol sick, but since I'm already like this... I allow the muscles in my bowels to unfurl like a relaxing kitty, and warm liquid soon soaks my jeans and forms a pool around me.

Yep, this is one thing they don't tell you, at least not often, about being kidnapped. I was living freely up until however many hours ago I was taken, and that meant that I drank coffee and expected to be able to reach a toilet when it made its way through me.

I sigh, and lean over to inhale the merging smells that had all been inside my body. Amazing, how humans are all so disgusting inside, but we act as if we're clean until it comes out. I don't bother to look up at my roommate as I contemplate going number two.

But then I catch my reflection in the puddle of urine, and decide that I have to cancel my reservations with Mr. Brown, because the Train of Thought just arrived, and it only stops at the station for 3 seconds.

The first thing I thought, or perhaps, was told, about Mother Moon was that she was a relayer of the sun's message. And gods... gods... I was just thinking about them. But what do I do about them-- what do humans do about gods? They... sacrifice and serve. Blood, lives... offerings.

"Angel of The Great Star, to you, I unbar. Birth me into the spacial assemblage. Through me, relay the message," I say.

Mitchol again looks at me like I'm insane. Indeed, I've done it incorrectly. If her light cannot touch me, it is pointless. I take in a deep breath, and begin fighting against the ropes around my body harder than I ever fought before. Just a bit, perhaps they're loosening.

If I can just get out of these, I might be able to find a way to force the bunker door open and get outside. And if Mother Moon accepts me, I will be raised above Earth and the Earthlings. I will be 3rd, and they will all be 4th.

In the clearing outside the bunker, Kidney faces the moon and spreads out his arms, letting the glow bathe his body. This pale light can be so many things: ethereal, comforting, serene, eerie... He'd never questioned whose mood it really depended on until recently.

"Mother Moon, Mother Moon..." Kidney trails off, his eyes closed in concentration. But concentration isn't quite right. The chant... the feeling isn't coming over him.

"Mother Moon." He says, more of a plain address than a mystical prayer. "I can see you here tonight, as always. Does it not please you to commune with me right now?"

Gazing up at the white ball suspended in the infinite black cosmos, he ever so slightly feels her grow closer for a moment. However, she remains silent and far.

"On your own terms, Mother Moon." Kidney submits, inclining his head in reverence. Despite everything that has happened, he still feels a little crazy as he walks back to his rental car. He might fit the definition of "lunatic" now.

Kidney drives down the rural road to Caplum. Thousands of spindly, bent trees slash endless shadows through the yellow glow from his headlights. If he were taking the Passage to Hell of the South and met Satan at the end, it might not surprise him. Fitting though, that such a road would be irritatingly monotonous. Bored despite his mission, he flips the radio on.

Unintelligible words and tunes grate through static on most of the channels. Then there's the twang of guitar and a longing voice that reminds Kidney of grass fields swaying under a golden sunset in the middle of a heaven set in nowhere. He never did like country music, so he twists the knob one more click.

A bold, smooth, male voice butters the speakers. "The quiet neighborhood of Green Shade has been shaken by the story of a local housewife. According to her, she was drugged and kidnapped from her home by two masked men, who broke in late at night."

Kidney's heart lurches inside of his torso, along with the food in his stomach. He gags, swerving into the wrong lane for a second. After everything they-- Jeeto-- had told her, Mrs. Horatay was still talking?

The deep voice coming through the speakers crinkles with static. "...underground bunker. They then proceeded to film themselves sexually and physically assaulting her. The woman reports that at various points during the hours-long ordeal, both of her assailants lifted the masks away from their mouths and exposed the bottom portions of their faces."

Kidney's head swims with nausea. He never saw so much as a coin for getting that damnable spasm closeup. The footage of the actual stimulation was cut, he was sure. He'd been the one to edit Mrs. Horatay's movie. But somehow it had escaped his mind that Mrs. Horatay could be looking down, drawing a sketch in her mind for the cops.

"Both attackers appeared to be young males, in their late teens or early twenties. She describes them to be of average height, the shorter of the two having a round face and lightly tanned complexion, while the taller male's face was square shaped. She noted no hair or distinguishing blemishes on either of their faces, however..."

Kidney's hands tremble on the steering wheel, but he forces himself to focus on driving. "Relax. There's gotta be a hundred guys that fit those descriptions around here," he mutters to himself.

After a small eternity, Kidney spots a sign that humanity had come here ahead of him. "SPEED LIMIT 45" in faded black over rusted white. He slows down, guides his rental car into the overgrown brush on the side of the road, then takes the key out of the ignition.

With the engine dead, it's so quiet out here. Kidney pulls on his new black burglar's mask before getting out, just in case. He gently pushes the door closed behind himself, then goes around to the trunk.

A bag of supplies he packed from Jeeto's house is inside, and he unzips it and pockets from it a syringe of animal tranquilizer and a switchblade. The weapon he chooses to keep equipped in hand, however, is the 16-inch machete he brought himself.

Kidney begins his stalk up the road. Even in this dark place with the shadows of the bushes staring at his exposed back, he can feel Mother Moon's light clothing him and guiding his footsteps. Krin's innocently smiling face in the sunset of his room... such a distant memory kept so close to his heart. He clenches the hilt of his machete. He will not be afraid.

Mother Moon's warmth and comfort begins to seep all through him, and he senses her closer than before. The neighborhood comes into view. So he stays low and hidden as he makes his way to the west-most side where that white house is supposed to be. He sees the car before the house. It's a van that only breaks creep convention for its having a green paintjob instead of a white one.

Suddenly, a something like a living memory possesses his mind, only, something is not right. He finds himself looking at himself from behind, his black, hooded form crouching down behind bushes. One of his meaty arms is outstretched, and the hand is holding something, shiny, cold, and heavy. It's a gun-- pointing.

The head that he has an intimate awareness of, but not a oneness with, turns furthur downward without command. He sees white hairs in the bottom of his vision, and the stomach below protrudes too far forward. It is covered with a green Hawaiian shirt.

Kidney gasps, and seems to be sucked back into his own mind again. "Stoulfer," he breathes. Instinctively, Kidney whirls around on his ankles and spins up from the ground. The blast of the bullet rings the air, and Kidney feels it whip past his head and break through the dry shubbery behind him.

The moonlight makes depthless pits of the bags under Uncle Stoulfer's eyes, and carves darkness into every wrinkle and pockmark on his skin. The hairs of his white mustache and goatee twitch.

The old man's deep, raspy laugh mocks him. "I always knew you'd end up givin' me trouble."

Kidney runs for one of the houses. He can hear the many voices of his uncle's mind echoing. The thoughts are so muddled, though, and examined all at once, they're like a wild drove. Irritation. Lust. Smugness.

But the foremost thoughts-- those are the thoughts of action. That is where Kidney puts his focus. The gun fires again, but Kidney knows where it has made its path, and dashes out of its aim just as the trigger is being pulled.

"Shit! Pretty quick on his toes," Kidney hears.

"Got lucky there," Uncle Stoulfer hollers.

Kidney crashes through the rotting, wooden front door of a house, and runs into a bedroom in the back. He stands to the side of the doorway and listens to the floorboards at the entrance creak. Inside, Stoulfer's thoughts sound like mumbling, for only weak, pale streaks of moonlight penetrate the dark building through broken windows and cracked roofing.

Kidney can sense with the stronger rays of light touch the old man's balding head, because those are the moments he can hear more clearly.

Uncle Stoulfer plans to check behind the kitchen counters first, then... Kidney clenches the machete handle and raises the weapon. When Stoulfer comes here, he will strike.