#I needed to do something else to vent. Thus. This post.

[write-it-motherfuckers]

Well, that was a much bigger shitstorm than I had been expecting.

First of all, kid's ok, they just kept him over night because he's so young and concussions are a bit more of a risk, especially given his extensive medical history. Thankfully though, he seems to be on the mend, and he should be home by the time you Darlings are seeing this post.

As for why you're seeing this post, originally I was just meant to be playing emergency babysitter until the dad finished work and got home, but unfortunately he's just as big of a piece of shit as he usually is (Why they're still together and actively having more kids I have no idea) and decided that since someone was already with the kids, then instead of rushing home like he was asked to by his wife, he was going to make the best of it and go out drinking with his friends.

Both his wife and his elderly mother in law tried to contact him, but after the third set of calls, he turned off his phone. Not once did he ask who was with his kids, or how his injured son was, all he cared about was going out and drinking. (I sincerely hope she leaves his arse soon. Holy shit)

The mum did apologise to me repeatedly, but since their only living family is her elderly mother who is by no means capable of looking after five kids under the age of seven, she really didn't have a choice but to rely on me until her or her (shitty) husband could return home. And for obvious reasons, she couldn't exactly leave a four year old in the hospital by himself.

In the end, the "dad" didn't get home until about nine am this morning, stinking of grog, and I don't feel comfortable leaving them with him. I did quickly head back and grab a charger for my phone so that I could type this up, but since the youngest ones will be waking from their after feed nap soon, and the mum is still a way's off from getting back, I'm probably not going to have time to sort through my reblogs properly.

On a small positive note though, it does look like all my stuff is back now, so I should be able to go back to posting older reblogs tomorrow. For now, I'm just going to focus on the kids and then go back and crash into my own bed.

Thank you for your understanding and patience, Darling ones. Please remember to take care of yourselves 🖤

[izzy-b-hands]

finally broke into one of my new syringes (still have some old ones, but figured hey i should try them for this shot)

Tw for bitching abt medical shit/my injs below the cut

and i just. why is my doc intentionally making this harder. I ask for 3ml syringes bc it's what im used to and know how to draw up. She agreed to that, so i never checked my new ones bc why should i? she listened, she sent in for 3mls, right?

NOPE. fucking 1 ml which means figuring out the draw up has required online searching to make sure it's right, and bonus! everything I've found doesn't recommend it for T bc it's such a slow inj to begin with, and 'many feel it takes longer to inject in smaller syringes designed mainly for IV use, which lessens compliance with injection schedules in some'

And i hate how it looks. it looks like so much more, and i know that's stupid bc it isn't, it's the same amount as usual, but the sight of it is v much involved in me getting my injs done with my fear of needles. I know, again, I KNOW planned parenthood is dealing with not enough funding, hands on staff, etc, but does that really prevent you from listening to your patient and trying to help them with shit like this? bc i don't think it should. I'm still forever grateful they've been helping me keep my T going until I find a primary care doc, but at the same time...what the fuck? I said this would be an issue, and i need to stay with my usual supplies. If that was an issue for them, i was willing to buy syringes myself from the medical gear shop I've used for extra supplies before (that will ship out here, I've checked.) Why won't she just fucking. listen, and talk to me? if all she could do was 1 ml syringes, fine, BUT FUCKING TELL ME THAT BEFORE SO I CAN JUST BUY MY OWN

Like. I will get this done. ill use these crap syringes up bc I refuse to waste them.

But now I'm overly nervous and worried im gonna fuck it up with the new syringe, or that it will hurt more or take even longer to inject than usual, so my hands are too shaky to do it! im already a day late with it, and I'd bet ten bucks I wont be able to calm myself enough to do it until tomorrow. Yes, this is also autism bs of needing things the same but like. I've had to do a lot of adjusting since last year, and have made efforts to accept changes and sporadic things. it's been hard as fuck, but I've fucking done it. so why can't i have one fucking thing like this stay the same? just my inj supplies, that's it! I'll accept and deal with other changes but for fuck's sake, she KNOWS I'm nervous abt fucking up my injections (bc i always want them to go well so i get as much med in me as i can, with minimal tracking out after it), why the fuck wouldn't she at least tell me if she was limited in syringes/what she can rx?

Why don't docs listen when i talk, and why won't they just talk and be honest with me like a fucking adult. is that honestly so fucking difficult?

Apparently so 🙃

[blurredfloweryblood]

I wanted to add to my last post about Anya and her lack of understanding as a character (since the point is that neither Curly or Jimmy see her as a person, thus, she is never known as who she is. We don't know how Anya is because they don't care about her.) But I forgot to mention how Curly romantizes Anya (not in a possible romantic interest), again, as this helpless thing that made the impulsive decision of taking a gun. Like a child who yells at an injustice that's not that deep or is being reprimanded justly.

And Jimmy objectifies her. And one could argue that it's the same thing, that both don't see her truly as a person, rather as a reflection of their own ideals and state of mind, she is the road that they use to guide their own view of the world, and women, but the difference is that, not only Jimmy has no guilt for what he's done to her, rather, he feels entitled to do what he wants with her. And maybe this is waaaay too obvious for a lot of people, but still it has been in my mind for a day, that the way he objectifies her is through envy and disgust. Jimmy doesn't like Anya, since he antagonizes her and doesn't take seriously her job as a nurse, she is this ugly thing that he can use and abuse. Since she is not a person, it doesn't matter what he does, right? Since she is just a faceless woman, among the hundreds of other women that are in the world, why should anyone care about her specifically? He is, probably unconsciously, aware of the fact that in the corporate structure that is Pony Express, they don't matter at all. They wake up, oil the machine and hope to get a smidge of money that's not going to last. So, if he doesn't matter, she doesn't matter as well.

I guess it also has to correlate with his envy towards Curly and his reluctant ascension, because Curly doesn't want to be where he is, but Jimmy does due to the empty promises that capitalism gives us as a whole. Steady job, good money, and all that. But again, he is aware that he's just the co pilot, and he's there because of Curly, not because they chose him. Rather, Curly is not totally faceless. But Anya is, and if he doesn't matter, nobody else does. Not Daisuke, not Swansea, not Anya. In the game it is stated (through Jimmy's actions) that he doesn't listen to anyone on the fucking ship. He ignores Swansea's warnings about the vent, Anya's concern about the sugar in the mouthwash that's basically useless, and Daisuke's personality overall.

They are all meaningless and stupid, and they are all in the middle of space. What's one nurse when there are thousands more? What's one little abuse of power when she is just another name in the system, because there's a lot of other Anyas. Meaning that she doesn't need any respect or any space in his head. Truly reflecting how capitalism marginalizes and encourages rape culture as well as turning a blind eye towards abuse of power. If the cargo shipment arrives, which is something so fucking ridiculous as is mouthwash, then what does it matter if somebody used a gun, or if someone was hurt? It doesn't matter. They don't matter. Nobody will look for them if no one asks. Abandoned in space, lost names and faceless beings. Their names bellow somebody else's. What's one more fired employee? Just another little cog to replace, there are thousands of people pushing each other off the ladder. So why would anyone mourn a Daisuke? Or an Anya? or a Swansea?

Anyways yeah, I just wanted to add more about Anya, because I truly do love her. She is unknown, since nobody even spared a thought for her. Her only conscious decision was to end her life, because she herself knew that in the end, nobody would care. Nobody cared in the first place, why would they do it now? What would they do? She knew that Jimmy would kill her or threaten her given that she was pregnant and that Curly would placate her, promising things that he won't do, while covering it up. She was right, always right. But she doesn't matter in the big picture. As long as she doesn't ruin it with her dullness, why would anybody listen to her?

And if they could see the dead pixel among the grainy moonlight, they would just try to erase it or lighten it up, forcing it to be a part of the bigger picture. Because your individuality doesn't matter, when you are just another one of the others that come before you and after you, who won't hesitate to take your place. It doesn't matter who you are, because everyone knows that once you enter the mouth of the beast, you are just another piece of flesh. Nobody cares about the animal that's killed, they just care about the meat they're going to put in their mouths. You don't matter when you are an amalgamation of other fish. Because there is a last day. And then another, and another, until you drop dead.

[nico-the-overlord]

imagine a tumblr dash for zombies during the apocalypse. zomblr.

#nico rambles #zomblr

1 note

🥩 meatloverz Follow

fresh brains r so hard to come by today bro :(

🌫️ runrunrun Follow

brains? in this economy?

#i phrase like a joke but really #living humans are starting to run out fast

1,276 notes

✅ pollstovote Follow

Anon says they personally try to lunge to the face just to instill fear for their own amusement, but upon telling others as such they were told that´s “too extreme” and that they should “just focus on eating people”. Thus, anon wants to know where people like trying to bite others.

#poll #polls #tumblr polls #bite #biting #infections #infect #submitted poll ideas #pollstovote

539 notes

🌼 sunnydaisy Follow

I now understand how spiders georg likely felt omg

#the hunger the HUNGER #sorry moots I need to rebrand soon #sunny says

204 notes

🚷 wander-n-pick Follow

Funniest fucking shit happened today. I distracted a survivor trying to bash my head open by telling them the tumblr code aND THE FUCKER FROZE AND SLOWLY RESPONDED BACK. CORRECTLY. IT WORKED. IF I WASNT AS HUNGRY AS I WAS THEN I WOULDVE DIED AGAIN LAUGHINH

🌀 confusion-confuzzed Follow

YOU.

🚷 wander-n-pick Follow

oh my god

#HEY IM SORRY MAN #WELCOME I GUESS #should´ve known you´d come across this post sooner or later with how popular it got #holy shit

30,572 notes

🧑🏻 nico-the-overlord Follow

imagine a tumblr dash for zombies during the apocalypse. zomblr.

🧑🏻 nico-the-overlord Follow

hi so apparently this is a thing, fell down the rabbit hole of this place, then got attacked irl while distracted scrolling help

#nico rambles #zomblr #how do I tag #am a idiot

1 note

💔 rottingphases🌔 Follow

“stop don´t hurt me” “I don´t want to get eaten” like it´s my fault you taste so delicious

#txt #5k #10k

10,653 notes

🕸️ dying-inwards Follow

Kind of sad yet ironic I haven´t felt so alive in years actually

#vent post

2,965 notes

🔺conehead Follow

horrid hunger plaguing my psyche, I must find a little treat to fix this posthaste

🔺conehead Follow

hopital (:<

16,702 notes

🐉 scabbingscars Follow

my toxic trait is thinking this song´s story now has a real chance happening to me

#I want to believe in romanceee! #still don´t want the relationship part but fuck something else pls #I´m so bored cornering and killing screaming people now

4,874 notes

📸 freeky-free Follow

yay yahoo brains and blood and love for all 🥰

🦄 glimmerhope Follow

people are literally loosing their lives and you make this type of post? disgusting.

📸 freeky-free Follow

no ohno spooky brains and evil blood and sad for all 😰

60,737 notes

[shout-it-out13]

This fandom I swear

So I know I’m basically screaming into the void here but I have seen some seriously alarming tendencies of both parasocial behaviour and now downright infantalisation regarding Yoongi’s DUI incident

Now I’m a big fan of Yoongi, and I’m just as fond of the “lil meow meow” memes about him as anybody else, but it just doesn’t apply in this case.

Let me spell out the obvious (because then takes I’m seeing is downright worrying):

1. Min Yoongi is a 31 year old man. Not a baby or a teen, a whole ass adult, in his 30s. Thus him being of legal age, makes him as fully subject to the law, as any other legal adult of legal age (or even those of minor age, persecution of underage people is very much a thing, and even if he wasn’t an adult, he would still have received criminal punishment).

(Edit: It has been brought to my attention that I had misunderstood the situation and I must admit that I based this post when I wrote it on what I had seen on Tumblr of the situation (no, I didn’t fact-check online and I won’t now either, this post was made out of an emotional response to the overall fandom situation)(I get if people thinks that’s messed up and ignorant of me (which you’re entitled to totally) but personally I have never been personally invested much in BTS beyond their music and I don’t see that changing). I just wanted to vent and say my piece, I apologise for any misinformation I may have caused. Again, I do not condone the media backlash that has gone beyond the reasonable amount (holding him accountable is different from going on a outright witch-hunt).

-I know this post is months old, and I see now I have had people in my inbox since I first posted it, and I only have seen them now (I ignore that I even have mutuale, inbox and dms on here because that’s just not what I’m here for). I must admit that I did delete your messages and could have actually researched the situation, but to be honest I can’t be bothered (again, I’m not Wikipedia, the facts are there online, this post was made and now edited out of my emotional frustration over the situation), but felt I should at least say something so here it is, lazily edited and smacked in the middle.

2. A DUI (which you can get while operation any form of vehicle or mode of transportation, be it cars, scooters, boats, bikes etc) is a serious offense, no matter what the outcome is. It’s fortunate that this situation was so mild, nobody got hurt nor no personal damages, it still is a serious offense and should have be treated as such. Yes, we shouldn’t be treating this situation as if he hit and killed somebody, but he still could have, and this needs to be taken seriously.

Min Yoongi, a man in his 30s (a grown ass man of legal age, whom I’m seeing getting his criminal offense downplayed like nothing happened by those both of legal age and those not), committed a crime, as mild as the situation was, is a serious situation and for that break of the law, he deserves to be punished for it. And the fact that there are people treating like he did nothing wrong is just idiotic.

The amount of parasocial behaviour (friendly reminder, you will never truly know any idol, youtuber, celebrity, actor etc if you don’t personally know them (no meeting them multiple times and borderline stalking them and learning evrry single detail you can about them online doesn’t count) and infantilisation in this fandom is insane.

Stop putting people you look up to on such a high pedestal until the point where you think they can do nothing wrong (like some armys are doing right now, with a man in his 30s)

I love Yoongi, I still look up to him even after this, I’m glad that he wasn’t hurt and that this doesn’t hurt his military service. I hope he learns from this, faces whatever legal punishment they give him, and hope that he can regain his license again in the future.

I hope he, the company and most importantly the fandom, recognises how serious this situation is and stops going “poor little meow meow” or “I’m in love with a criminal” (no you don’t, nobody in the fandom knows who and how BTS are in their private lives (private lives whom they are fully entitled to keep hidden from overobsessive fangirls who thinks stalking people counts as knowing them. They’re people, not objects nor saints, please treat them as such) over a man who commuted a criminal offense, aka broke the law and now needs to face said punishment.

I know I have been repeating myself over and over, but with the amount of braindead takes seen in this fandom regarding theses legal grown men, is just painful.

[botanikos]

Good evening! 

While I hate to make such a large announcement and ��kill the vibe” for the weekend, I really do need to set something straight. The world outside of roleplay is tumultuous and full of horrors, ailments, and struggles unique to each day. Writing is a hobby for many of us, I assume, and a reprieve from the chaos that hounds us. However, I cannot speak for anyone else; these are my words, and my feelings. 

I made this blog as a means to connect with others and write! Roleplay, to me, is what I have always enthusiastically described as collaborative storytelling. Not only that, but it is one of the easiest and most accessible and enjoyable means of relief for me. I get on my silly little blog to write and goof off. To step away from everything else around me. Sure, occasionally I let my own feelings for the day seep into my writing - but who doesn’t use their muse as a means to an end when things have been a little rough? In the end, I am here to have fun!

Like anyone else, however, I am unfortunately and fatally…human. I have feelings such as doubt, anger, frustration, anxiety, joy, compassion, etc.. There will be times where I may have the desire or need to let these feelings be known in an OOC post. It is my blog, and that is my right! That is every individual’s right; your blog should always be your safe space, and that is exactly what mine is: A safe space. That being said, I work hard to keep my blog safe not only for myself, but for my mutuals or anyone who might come across it. I tag anything and everything I should or can, when I remember to do so and as I see fit. What I will NOT engage in however, is drama, venting, or negative specific vague-posting. And I refuse to consistently let it be a constant presence any longer. 

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? 

My blog will remain a safe space for anyone seeking comfort, reprieve, or looking for advice provided we are mutuals. You may always approach me with any questions or concerns, especially if it is in regards to my/our writing or content on my blog. I encourage any discussions to be held in privacy between us either through tumblr IM or Discord (available upon request or when I occasionally offer it on the dash). 

I will NOT unfollow anyone for the occasional vent post. OOC venting and feelings are FINE! I make those too! My blog will have a LOT of OOC postings throughout the week and even peppered between replies and activity. My DMs are ALWAYS open if you are having a particularly hard time, and need someone to talk to (albeit, I may be delayed). 

What I WILL UNFOLLOW FOR includes but is not limited to: harassment of any kind, bullying, constant negativity, constant trauma dumping, constant acknowledgement of anonymous hate-mail, constant complaints of lack of interaction (ONLY if I have knowledge that I have reached out multiple times or reason to assume others have done so too), negative or derogatory vague posting of other users. Also, please keep in mind that I have other responsibilities outside of tumblr. While I may not immediately receive your message, see it, or response to it, it does not mean it will go ignored! Though it is no one's business, I have my own chronic conditions and experience varying degrees of social burn-out. I love chatting but can become easily overwhelmed! Give me time!

IN REGARDS TO BLOCKING - I do not block anyone without reason. So far, I have only ever blocked spam or porn bots. However, if I grow uncomfortable or have reason to doubt the safety of my space, I will not hesitate to hard block. You will not be given a warning, because again, I do not do this often / at all thus far. And for me to take this sort of action, it simply means I am unwilling to communicate my discomfort and for what I believe to be, good reason. I do not immediately block people I unfollow because on most occasions, if I unfollow someone it is either A) an accident or B) just that I don't vibe or see us interacting anytime soon or in the future. This does not inherently mean this won't change! Maybe later on I have expanded my abilities or have newfound interest / new perspectives! Neat! But unfollowing does not warrant an immediate block from me. Blocking is a SOLID and DEFINITE sentence. I do not do it lightly.

Please understand that I still wish to be a positive presence and will continue to do my best to provide this! But even I have my limits, my own external struggles, and I am weary… So very, very tired. 

If you have any GENUINE questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to reach out to me! I value communication and compassion above all things, and will happily engage in a civilized conversation about anything you might find unclear. 

Thanks for reading! 

Jude

[set-phasers-to-whump]

(not) a sweeping success

prompt: unconventional weapon

whumpee: river cartwright

fandom: slough house/slow horses

hi all and welcome to my first (and certainly not last) fic for these books/show. i saw the prompt and was immediately like 'oh that's perfect for river' lmao. hope you like!

River tears through the empty building, searching desperately for anything he can use to either hide or defend himself. The maniac with the knife follows close behind, and he’s keenly aware of how quickly he needs to find something. 

He rounds a corner and there—a door. He flings it open, jumps inside, pulls it shut behind him. 

It’s a supply closet. Fucking hell. 

It’s mostly empty, too, save for a broom and dustpan and assorted dusty cleaning supplies. 

For lack of a better option, he grabs the broom, and then leans against the door to keep it closed as the madman with the knife pounds on it.  There is no lock and nothing to barricade himself with. A quick look around reveals no vents or windows or anything with which he might make an escape. 

His choices are thus: wait for the psycho with the knife to break the door down, or open the door himself and go on the attack. 

With his broom. 

Jesus. 

He grips the handle tightly, then spins around and wrenches the door open. 

The other man falls forwards for a second, then lashes out with the knife. 

River smacks him with the broom. This stops the knife’s movement but accomplishes little else. The madman laughs. 

River charges at him, out of the little closet, swinging the broom wildly in the hopes of keeping some distance between them. 

Except his opponent is not terribly put off by the broom. He ducks it, lets it hit him, all the while inching closer, knife at the ready. 

He lunges out and catches River on the back of the hand. It stings. His grip on the broom falters, but he forces his hand to continue cooperating. 

He swings the broom again, and the movement makes the gash on his hand tear. Blood flows down towards his wrist, soaking his sleeve. 

Another attack with the knife, parried by the broom. A grazing of sharp metal against his cheek. A solid smack when the wooden handle connects with a shoulder. 

The next time he swings the broom, his opponent grabs it one-handed, tries to wrench it away. But River has two hands, pulls back, nearly falls when the other man relinquishes his grasp. 

In that split second of unbalance, the maniac makes his move. His knife sinks into the outside of River’s shoulder and is then torn away roughly. River howls, and in a blinding flash of pain and anger takes two steps back and then swings the broom like a baseball bat, directly at his opponent’s head. 

There’s a loud crack, and the man drops to the floor. 

River drops the broom and starts to run. 

thanks for reading! i may or may not do a second part to this, we'll see :)

also, i am aware that i'm literally posting a silly little fanfiction rn but. since today marks one year since the intensification of the attacks on the palestinian people, if you've enjoyed my stuff and if you're able to, it would mean so so much to me if you could donate to an organization like UNRWA, PCRF, or the fundraiser of literally any palestinian family. everything we do can help!!!

[wri0thesley]

hi, nat! truly sorry if this is a bit much but i guess i need to vent this out somewhere and you're one of my fave creators here so, i hope you can bear with me on this.

i really never cared that much for notes, so long as i put out my works here, i'm good, always thankful and happy nonetheless whenever someone interacts with it. nowadays, it's really getting to me, like what am i missing? i'm active here, interact with a lot of my mutuals and artists i come across with whenever their works interest me, i can say as well that my works are decent, i've been here almost two years now and my progress with engagements are still so low, like i have lots of followers but it always makes me think that no one likes me at all bc no one talks to me here 💀 seeing a lot of writers get so much from anything they put out is honestly just makes me wish i have that as well and keeps me over thinking whether my works are actually good or i'm not likable at all.

i don't know, i guess what i want to get here is maybe an advice on how to not feel like this. again, i'm really sorry to put this here and hope you could understand.

hello beloved anon! i do not mind this kind of venting, do not worry <3

i think it is very very difficult to really 'not care about notes'. for artists and for people who basically put pieces of their soul out there into the world (and that counts as silly sexy drabbles too; everything you create has a piece of you in it!), it is hard to send something you care about out into the great wide world and feel as though people are just ignoring it!

for me, though, i try to frame it as thus: it is very nice to have a post with 1000 notes. it is less nice to have a post with 1000 notes when 23 are reblogs with no tags and the other 977 are likes. it is WONDERFUL to have a post with 60 notes where 15 are likes, 20 are replies to specific parts of the post, and the other 25 are reblogs with tags!!! if you can make yourself excited about the quality of the engagement, that is a wonderful way to stop caring about the number! but i understand if you're not even getting that . . . yeah, it can be really difficult!

(and believe me the jealousy is real!!! i have been here for like seven years or so and i sometimes still get jealous of writers with lots of notes and friendship groups that seem to rally around them!)

honestly it sounds as if you are just unlucky! especially if you are an active participant in lifting other people up; i find that artists/writers feel so much more inclined to interact with you if you do it first (i know thats true for me bc i am afraid of annoying people!). i wish i had better advice for you, but there is unfortunately no catch-all 'here is how to stop caring and also to make everyone else care'. but i understand where you are coming from and i can promise you are not at all alone!!! <3 sometimes tumblr also goes through peaks and troughs of interaction; i got way more interaction a few years ago when jjk was at its peak and i was chugging out content than i do now. sometimes it's just about making the right post at the right time! the internet is fickle like that. but i support you and i know you are doing your best and i hope that you can feel a little bit better at least!!! in five years maybe someone will stumble across something you've created and feel Seen in a way they haven't before. you are making something permanent when you Create that transcends notes and asks! <3

[plutonium-sky]

If you don't see me posting or replying or anything that's because I'm grounded because having a summer vacation for once isn't an option and I must find a job or volunteer position or else I'll have a bad time. Also most of my drawing related things were confiscated so

tw venting and abusive parent

apparently not even ONE FUCKING WEEK CAN GO WITHOUT YELLING. What the fuck am I doing wrong here. i never had even a year without being shoved somewhere where i dont want. i have adhd. i dont have meds. you are making me delete discord, my only reliable source of communication, thus cutting off one of the only things keeping me from breaking down every day. what are you trying to accomplish. im already on the verge of crying nearly every day bc you need therapy and threaten me to call 911 to find a new home which we both know won't happen because i'm a high schooler. just stop. stop please leave me alone just ignore my existence you always say that something is wrong with me i dont want to be grabbed by the hair or ear this is my life in my era not yours

[whiterosechrista]

Introduction

So. I'm realizing (with the vent time post kerfuffle) that it'd probably be a good idea for me to give people a basic understanding of who I am and where I come from, so that they can reference it if any of my posts come off odd/offensive/etc. out of context.

Basic Facts

I'm 24 years old, Caucasian, American, biologically female, comfortable with she/her and they/them pronouns. I'm an introvert who doesn't get out often, but I'm not some basement-dwelling Neckbeard-equivalent. I have a strong sense of empathy, which leads me to want to play mediator often (though thankfully I'm aware of my limits and don't act on every want). My likes include anime, storytelling, art, history, SCP, Kpop, science, outer space, and mac n' cheese (among other things). My dislikes include racism, ablism, homophobia, transphobia, and basically anything else involving unreasonable hate.

History

I grew up as effectively a single child, moving back and forth between houses because my parents were already separated, though not officially divorced. They both loved me, and tried their best to raise me well, but (for reasons I'll touch on later) I definitely bonded more with my mom than my dad. There was one house that at least one of them always lived in consistently, so I think of it as my childhood home.

I was a fairly happy child, I think, though there were some issues with bullying that I can't remember clearly anymore, and it did affect me, though maybe not as much as the school itself; I used to love to draw/paint, and I stopped after I got into school because art class convinced me I wasn't doing it "right."

The teachers (some, at least) didn't like that I learned differently than other kids (e.g. making connections between concepts in Math and English at age ~8), and so made me take one of those "morality tests"; multiple-choice questionnaires about moral decisions like returning a lost wallet (which, btw, I left blank because they hadn't given me enough info about the situation; they decided that meant there was something wrong with me).

(Ironically, this was a Montessori school, which are supposed to be less rigid about teaching styles than standard schools.)

So I transferred to a different Montessori school at age ~10, which had a system where kids would sign their name on their class sheet when they came in, and didn't like that I stopped to say hi to kids in other classes first (for reference, my class was on the second floor, the other kids' were on the ground floor).

Thus, for either this or some other reason, they recommended I go to therapy. My mom, thinking "well, she might have reason to need it", agreed. I spent a while there before the therapist said "this is the most well-adjusted child I've ever seen, please leave so I can tend to people who actually need me."

After about a year of this school, Mom asked if I'd like to try homeschooling, and that's what I've been doing ever since (though technically what we did was unschooling, which is a bit different).

It was after I started homeschooling that I started writing, got really into anime to the point of learning Japanese by watching it, and made my best friends to date.

I've done things like ballet, gymnastics, parkour, circus arts, piano, roller derby, and sang/played at Girls' Rock Camp/Club Boston (though I think the name's changed to be more gender-inclusive). I don't do much of this stuff anymore, though I might get back into it at some point.

Pre-Covid, I was taking drawing classes and Japanese classes (mostly for reading it, since anime didn't teach me that), and back in 2022, I got officially certified to teach English as a second language (though I've yet to find a job, unfortunately).

I'm currently living in an apartment with my mom, sitting around with a sprained back, hoping that it'll heal in time for my best friend to take me on a Duck Boat tour in Boston on June 2nd, and blogging for the first time in my life.

I hope this has helped. It feels like an info-dump, but apparently I can't make anything concise, so here we are.

Feel free to ask/comment/dm me for more details about anything (or just to chat). I might not be comfortable with sharing some things, but most things I should be fine with. Just be respectful about it and we should be good. :)

Edit; just realized I didn't touch on why I bonded more with my mom than my dad. The short version is that mom is open-minded, gentle (though she can definitely be stern), and always asks what I want before doing something, and my dad sort of doesn't always "get it." For instance; the moment I turned 16, he started badgering me about getting my driver's license, even though I barely went anywhere that wasn't in walking distance and anywhere I didn't could be accessed by either public transport or someone else driving me. He also wanted me to do SAT prep and similar things, got stuck in the "Alternative Medicine" rabbithole and somehow still manages to be surprised that my mom won't make me try it without my consent (for reference, this was after I sprained my back; it's not the first time he's wanted me to try Alt Meds and definitely not the first time my mom's refused). So, yeah. He's not a bad guy, and he definitely tries, he's just a bit too stuck in his own world sometimes.

[madwickedawesome]

having my christian post absinthe moment beware 😁 aka venting under the cut sorru ignore this or dont ignore this i have no preference i just sound . idk

i feel . so . indescribable. and of course this makes me crazy because what am i if i dont have a way to express it through any words???? despair doesnt cut it; emptiness isnt exact; anger is just completely wrong; melancholy has the incorrect connotation, etc. etc. etc. maybe crossing between verdi dies irae and prokofiev death of tybalt and stravinsky adoration of the earth?? i cant. articulate it and thus i am insane

i dont feel like i will ever be able to be a normal human being or like i will ever experience things like anyone else does . and like sure embrace that but im Tired of feeling so many emotions all the time. im tired all the time i cant handle this all or nothingness to life its either such reverence such holiness i am entirely devoted to them they are my world and my angel or its i cannot handle a single moment on this earth any longer everything is against me i will never be happy i am unlovable or its plainly. nothingness . its a lot to handle as a person and ive never been known for being great at coping with my emotions or my own theatrics

additionally i ? feel so annoying all of the time. even writing this im afraid someones going to read this and think Wow what an asshole . these are such first world problems and the way im articulating them is so pretentious stuck up asshole but i dont . know how to fix it . i talk too much i overshare my heart doesnt belong on my sleeve i dont Need to be sharing any of this with the world but i still feel compelled--writing this is defying my will, i assure you

(unsure as to why i feel the need to continue)

i cant love normally i cant hate normally i cant interact normally i cant ever do anything normally . the nagging, incessant, prolonged fear of those i love leaving me for these things haunts me . please dont get tired of me i can always bring something new to the table i will jump through any hoop for this i will put the stars in the sky if it means someone will stay . im Tired im Exhausted no ceaseless posting or writing of love letters or Yearning will save me im trapped in a grave im not even certain ive dug myself. i think im just like this and doomed to stay like this

i long to make music and i long to love and to be loved all ive ever wanted is to be loved but everything is in the way at all times . maybe i wasnt meant to be loved im not even sure . i give so much more than im allowed to take which is fitting as the?? court jester of my own life . so much of the world matters to me love is everything to me Everything and Nothing is my world . does this matter?? will anyone see this??? i cant even be sure . i just want peace and love and safety

[becaexists]

Gonna vent for just a second because I literally have no one to talk to about this so y'know turning to the internet as one does

All over my social medias like Twitter and tiktok (I know they're bad but sometimes they're designed to trap you) everyone is talking about Brianna Ghey, the 16 year old trans girl that was murdered on Saturday. She was a year younger than me, I have friends that are the same age, and all I have seen all day because I've been travelling thus had nothing better to do than to stare at my phone, is so much of the same thing, the same kind of posts, just talking about how this sweet young girl was murdered, potentially out of hate for our community but they're "not sure", and it is really fucking getting to me.

I know it sounds selfish as hell to because it sounds like "oh there was a trans girl murdered and I have to complain about seeing it everywhere" but it's not that, it's the things people put in and under the posts about it. So many of the people trying to spread awareness are trying to be reassuring by saying shit like "to trans youths, we stand by you, this should not be happening" but that doesn't help, because I'm terrified out my fucking mind that if I start trying to be myself, I might get fucking murdered too. What's worse is all of the horrible things transphobic people are saying, like "she's a boy", and "she deserves it" and "example of what should happen to all those trans freaks" because those are actual things I've read today.

And it's not just her case specifically, it's the constant despair I feel as a trans person where my right to exist are constantly being questioned by the only government I've ever known. I open twitter and see stories of how trans rights are being stripped back all over the western world, how people were abandoned by family after coming out as trans, about how being trans is so incredibly awful with little silver linings of "at least you're yourself". So I open tiktok to distract myself, where I see more people talking about the same things, about how the people in government hate us so fucking much. This whole corecore thing is important to highlight the awful shit but when that's the only thing you're seeing with maybe a few cat videos and stupid family guy or movie scenes while someone plays with slime makes to split them up it really makes you feel nothing but despair.

I just wanna get away from it all. I want people to stop talking about it but that's not exactly what I want? I want it to have never happened. I want to live in a world where these things don't happen. I want to live in a world where I can leave the house without being terrified of being hatecrimed or murdered for being who I am. I didn't come out as a trans guy until this year even though I knew for ages I wanted to be a guy, I didn't come out because if I came out in high school, my "all girls" high school where I was already severely bullied for being autistic and queer, I would be fucking dead right now, either from being murdered like she was or from suicide, which I was so so so fucking close to doing after some girl publicly berated me for asking one of my teachers to not call me my deadname (I was going for a fem NB approach to my transness at the time and thought that Bee was the start of something much more fitting for me) because she was right, no one would ever see me as anything other than some pretty but unpopular girl trying to somehow both escape the torture of womanhood and make myself more intriguing

If I could choose anything else, I would. I would not be trans. I would be a regular teenage girl who likes parties and stupid roadmen and skipping lesson to smoke and vape. But I'm not. And my mum, my own mother, has said "if you would choose not to be this, why don't you? Why don't you just go back to being my girl?" And I want to. But I need to be a boy to live. If I don't transition, I might just die from all the self hatred of what I have to pretend to be. I just can't do it.

Sorry this was long, I just have many many emotions and if I said this anywhere else I might just be on the receiving end of some of the same stupid shit people are saying about Brianna. I hope she finds peace somewhere where there isn't so much hatred.

[md3artjournal]

More insecure ramblings. If you don't know that's what this blog of mine is for, then please Unfollow now, because I am quite pathetic. And venting is pretty cathartic for me, so I write/post my pathetic-ness A LOT.

2:15 PM 1/7/2025

Just when I thought I could get away from it, it's happened again. I'm too embarrassed---ashamed to draw fanart. I've got a new fandom on the brain, and I always want to have momentos of my fixations in my sketchbooks. But the fanart in the Arcane fandom is just too good; I feel too embarrassed to post anything, and thus too embarrassed to draw at all.

The other day, I resorted to drawing my OCs, because at least there's no comparisons with those. I haven't drawn in so long, but I can't get myself to practice, because of the idea that people will see how pitiful my attempts to draw are.

I've always been bad at drawing. Even during my art degree, I was better at anything that WASN'T drawing. Even printmaking---so adjacent to drawing---I was still better at that. I never got better at drawing. And though I constantly ruminate over what a waste it was to come out of an art degree with no illustration skill, I know it's because I'm a terrible student. Put something into a class, and suddenly I'm not doing all the extra work and effort that I normally would put into a subject. Ugh.

I distinctly remember trying to apply all the drawing techniques I learned in school, to some drawing I was doing for fun, out side of class, and it still looked worse than all the shortcuts I had learned on my own from doing anime fanart. Even my OC drawings recently, from the other day, I initially tried to do all the structural fundamentals that you're supposed to do underneath…and it just looked worse than when I drew with novice techniques.

There's something wrong with me.

A voice in my head says that I just need to stick with the fundamentals, and eventually, they'll look better than the drawings I did before college. But I just can't.

Maybe I just need more frequent gratification. (Once, I planned to each day, do a quick, more satisfying chibi doodle, alongside each of my more harrowing, fundamentals-practice drawings. It sounded like a good plan, but I could never stick to it; not enough time and/or energy for 2 drawings each day.) I can't spend 3 hours on academic techniques, just for the ending to punch me in the gut with how terrible it looks. Then, to ALSO slap me in the face with my novice, flat drawings somehow looking better to me.

And yet, I still can't draw anywhere near the level of recent fandoms (Arcane; Fire Emblem), so I know I have to work on my fundamentals.

But I just get SO FRUSTRATED, whenever I practice fundamental. I become terrible to everyone around me in real life (the biggest red flag), I lose all hope in myself, I lose all will to draw,… It happens every time. I'm just stuck in this place where I'll never get better, because practicing fundamentals is so horribly discouraging and disheartening to me. It'd be one thing if practicing the fundaments was horrible DURING practice, but then I end up with a nice result. But the results wrench my guts out each time too! Pulling teeth DURING, then drawn and quartered AFTER… I hate it…

So I often ask myself, "Do I even like drawing?" My sister said once that even if I don't like my drawings, then at least I'm enjoying what I do. Do I???????? I replied to her that "I don't like drawing; I like having drawn". Since then, I've paid more attention to how I feel while drawing, and I've found that to be false.

When I don't draw, there's an itch in my hands that can't be satisfied by anything else.

The friction of my pens, brushes, or markers against paper grain, is so satisfying to me, that even before I've finished anything, the simple act of strokes and friction, immediately makes me feel better. Even if I'm just doodling spirals. Whatever other neurosis I have, gets quieted when the finer muscles in my fingers scrape an implement against paper grain. (Even more so, when I make 3 dimensional crafts. I should do that more.) That's why even if the only drawing I do in a day, are scribble lines or repeated spirals, I feel better. So I guess I do like drawing.

I just hate seeing how bad I am compared to everyone else.

But I don't feel this way when I draw plants or animals. Just when I draw humans.

When I draw characters that I care about, and I can't do them justice…and I can't even get myself to practice the fundaments FOR THEM. How can I feel hope in myself when I can't even do that practice and effort for my blorbos????????? Of course, that makes me question if I even like drawing enough to continue with it!

Short terms solution: Not posting my art/practice. At least, not to broader venues like my art blog, and certainly not to any common tags. I'm considering posting my drawing attempts to my art journal blog, instead of to my art blog. My art journal blog is supposed to be for unfinished and unimportant drawings anyway. My art blog is for finished drawings. So maybe I'll feel more free to practice, LESS AFRAID to practice fundamentals, if I post to my shitty art journal blog, where I just vomit my insecurities and venting about my stupid inadequate art brainrot. It's a mess here already. This looks like a safe place to practice without notice.

Also, despite how much I hate looking at realistic humans, if I want to draw for Arcane and Fire Emblem, I will have to start practicing at that level. I completely forgot that my solution to this was to sketch tokusatsu actors. The one live action realism that I'm totally fine with staring at, for hours and hours. I don't know how people don't get a creepy, uncanny valley feeling from photorealistic human renderings. But I've only been okay with non-human realism and stylized humans. But I can't escape the feeing that if I don't practice real life, realistic humans, I'll never get better, then I'll never be able to draw all my favorite characters, well enough to do them justice.

[northwestofinsanity]

The Eubanks’ Podcast featuring Bruce Hall and his wife, Kimmy Sue, on the breakup of REO Speedwagon

Alright, y’all… this is the video that broke my heart, that I’ve been struggling since the beginning of this month to get a post together about. It is *long*, so I’ll put a description under the cut to help anyone who wants to, get to the main points of it… but that will be under a cut, as there’s a lot to say and unpack here.

So this is a podcast Bruce shared on his Facebook a few weeks back that he announced in advance of. This might be old news to some REO fans, but for anyone who hasn’t had time to get to it, a bit of a recap. I don’t know the hosts too well, but they are Jamie and J.J. Eubanks, who are long time friends of Bruce, and his wife, Kimmy, and I believe the hosts are actually connected more so with Kimmy, which is in part why she does most of the talking here. (While I do wish Bruce had spoken more for himself, as many have shared their opinion of such in the YouTube comments, it’s obvious in this video that it is still very, very difficult for Bruce to talk about, and since there’s more to this relationship than just a typical guy from a band with an interviewer, I ask that negative comments about Kimmy not be made here. She has been with Bruce through his entire recovery process from his surgery, and she has been the one with him the entire time since this situation began spiraling out, and she is the one who has witnessed the sides of his heartache that nobody else has. Given what she must be going through helping Bruce get through this, and their relationship with the hosts, she has every right to vent about this).

The video starts with some asides about things they’ve all done since they’ve last seen each other, and some talk about Bruce’s daughter’s recent music project, which Bruce has been a part of. REO discussion begins at 19:50 and pretty much continues through the rest of the episode, if with a few tangents related to the Eubanks’ and Kimmy.

32:45 Is the part regarding Bryan Hitt and Dave Amato, which I believe is most important here. Apparently, they took pay cuts to accommodate paying Matt Bissonnette as Bruce’s fill-in, but were led to believe (we don’t know by who, be it someone in management, or Kevin, the latter I sincerely hope not, and whom I am considering innocent on that much until proven guilty) that Bruce got a raise in his time off… when Bruce is an owning member of REO, thus, he gets an even 3-way split with Kevin and Neal and is not a paid member… and he did not get an increase of anything paid, regardless of how it’s looked at. While it was not said if Bruce took a cut, it is implied he would have been willing to, with an aside earlier in the video around twenty minutes in about him taking a cut during Covid lockdowns to make sure that their unemployed road crew got something (in addition to taking other measures to send care packages and raise money for them). Whatever unfolded, this misconception was apparently mentioned in social media comments somewhere (where, I do not know, and have not been able to find) by Bryan, who seemed very bitter about it. It is suggested that he and Dave no longer want Bruce back because of whatever they have been told. More recent comments suggest that Dave and Bryan have seemed very detached at the more recent, final shows, so I do not know if they have found out otherwise or not, and what their feelings are about this.

Other important moments:

25:05 -this, after discussion of why Bruce refuses to start a new band of his own. This also leads into the reason of why Bruce ended up needing back surgery. He broke his back when he was 18, and while he did okay for years, with the way it healed on its own and arthritis setting in, improper healing caught up to him. Kimmy’s discussion becomes relevant still after 26:30 continuing on, as Bruce had an *additional*, unrelated injury ahead of his surgery that caused him to have to miss dates *earlier* than he’d planned on in 2023. (The original plan was that it would *all* fall within the band being on a break, and Bruce would be recovered from surgery before the touring started back up). That led to finding Matt as a fill-in last second, who ended up going on to continue to fill in for Bruce -probably around the time Kevin made the first announcement on the main REO Facebook page that Bruce was prepping for surgery, and that Matt would be filling in.

37:17 -Bruce is asked here what he wants the fans to know. He wants back in, he is trying, he wishes they could have a farewell tour and a proper goodbye instead of this “ugly mess”, and admits that Kevin is the one who does not want him back, even though he does not wish him ill will. This continues to 39:02, where Kimmy reveals that Kevin had intentions to end REO Speedwagon back in May -and this goes into how Neal Doughty has been fighting in the background to try to help work this out, make fans aware of what was unknown at the time, and to support Bruce.

42:00 Bruce assures that despite the misunderstandings and how things are messy right now, he still loves Dave and Bryan, and knows they still love him. There’s some speculative, albeit likely mention of where Kevin’s mind may be right now regarding Bruce vs Matt

49:10 Kimmy mentions that Bruce contacted all former members of the band when this started going on in deciding how to handle it, including Alan Gratzer and Terry Luttrell, and Bruce goes on to say that he wanted their wisdom to handle this situation with grace, knowing that they are the ones who started the band, and wanting to more or less continue to carry on their creation with respect. This loops back around as to why he will not start another band to compete with Kevin, and as Kimmy puts it quite well, “[Bruce] has a band, and it’s called REO Speedwagon”, and “you don’t just do this stuff to human beings”.

50:33 -The previous moment runs into Bruce being brutally honest about how he feels about not getting to give a farewell to his fans, and a very heartfelt thanks for the life the fans have allowed him to have, and there is not a dry eye in the studio

53:05 Kimmy and Bruce address rumors started by some social media commenter trolls about Bruce being addicted to painkillers… which are untrue. (It’s a much needed slight uptick in mood after Kimmy says that the only drugs Bruce takes are Tylenol and Advil, and Bruce grins and declares, “and coffee!”)

Not in this video, but since I began drafting this post (which took a week and a half to figure out, and then I delayed posting it longer, because I feel that people were feeling down enough earlier this month without adding this) -Kevin has indeed announced solo shows for January, and it will be focused around REO Speedwagon songs, and he will basically have everyone in the current lineup except Bruce (Matt, Derek, Bryan, and Dave), which in some ways, confirms that if it were not for the ownership rules preventing him from kicking Bruce out and still using the REO name, he probably would have. It’s disheartening to me, personally, but to any REO fans who just want to continue to hear the music, and who liked what they heard this past year despite Bruce’s absence, and would be okay seeing that same lineup under Kevin’s name just to still hear the songs… I guess y’all still have that option. And I agree with Kimmy and Bruce (even though while I would not trash-talk him, I am personally very upset with Kevin) -while I wish this had been handled better and there could have been a proper farewell as the right thing to do, I still wish the best for Kevin. We’ve only got these guys for so much longer, so all we can do is love them and hope for the best, and that maybe some of this can turn around.

So yeah, that’s about it. There’s other good moments if anyone wants to take a deep listen through the whole thing, but those are the most relevant points. Unless if something new comes out (which I can only hope might be good news), this is probably the last thing I see myself making on the matter of this situation, and I suspect the next REO Speedwagon post I make will be something from my picture hoard, just loving this band for what it was… or still is in spirit.

[who-is-sunny-d]

This will be my last post, I think. But I just needed to talk about the thing that’s been crushing my soul as of late, because I think I owe it to myself to be perfectly honest. You’ll understand why if you read further.

The thing that’s been the necrosis of my mental health over the last… year or more has been the end of a friendship, how it ended, and why I feel like it was so unfair. Because this was the only friend I had, and I’ve been so isolated and so lonely that it is killing me.

I really ought to have seen the warning signs, but you know how those red flags just look like ordinary flags when you’ve got those rose-colored glasses on. The ghosting people for stupid reasons… the taking all my gifts without so much as a thank-you card in return… and of course her patchy presence in my life, as well as all the promises she never kept, such as drawing a picture for a SICK KID who DIED before she even remembered the promise.

Like, how frigid do you have to be to break a promise to a pediatric cancer patient? That’s fucked.

Of course, she kept promising that she’d never throw me away like LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE, thus reaffirming all those feelings of worthlessness & better-off-deadness… of not being enough, always ruining everything, and no one wants me around.

And what happened with that promise? Well, as is classic with covert narcissists, she found evidence in writing (so to speak) of how she wasn’t perfect and actually HURT someone, and she processed it as propaganda and hate-speech when all it was (just as this is) was a small vent-post about someone’s feelings.

That person was ya girl (me). There was nothing mean or malicious about what I even said, and furthermore, it wasn’t even said *to* her. It was a Tweet to the void just to clear my head on a dead (or so I thought) Twitter/X account, and it simply expressed a sadness regarding how she’d started blowing me off for some rando who bought his way into her heart. How I regretted that my dumb little care package full of handmade goodies (including a mix tape of hand-chosen songs, one of which introduced her to another band featuring one of her favorite musicians) couldn’t compete with that.

What twisted the knife was how he bought her everything she needed to become a tattoo artist, which hurt because we were learning tattooing together until she started blowing me off for him, and then she got not only a whole set-up, but an apprenticeship as well, so like… wow. Fuck me, specifically.

So I admit, I may have been a little bit salty, but Jesus, I didn’t call her any mean names or anything, and she didn’t even SEE the post until waaay after I’d gotten over it (and my feelings), and was just trying to live my life in peace.

And that’s when she decided it would be a good time to suddenly confront me about it and dredge up things I was trying to move past and forget, and then refuse to drop it even after I said I didn’t want to talk about it, that it was behind me and didn’t matter… that it was how I felt in the moment and that the moment had long passed. Etcetera.

But she just. Would. Not. Drop it.

And so I was beginning to feel cornered. My fight-or-flight switched on. It chose flight. So I said something stupid, hoping it would put a pin in things until I could process it. I told her that I felt I’d put a lot more effort into the friendship than I felt I’d gotten in return.

And it was the truth. I kept my promises, she was flakey. I was there whenever she needed me and would put everything on the back burner to do that, but she was usually busy when I needed her. I thought of her all the time and sent little pictures & things that reminded me of her. She could go months, sometimes YEARS without even speaking to me. I sent her actual, physical gifts for her birthday or when she was having a terrible time. She never sent me so much as a letter.

She just… was bad at being a friend, but… I never *really* minded. I only said that, hoping that she’d feel like she needed time to think and evaluate herself so that I could also process the fact that she felt like we needed to talk about it and figure out how, and then we’d make up and talk. After all, we’d never fought once in all of 13 years. How could I know that one super dumb fight would be worth ending the entire friendship we’d built over all those years?

It wasn’t. But being a covert narc, she didn’t see what I said as my feelings, much less actually care about them. She didn’t see the obvious opportunity for personal growth.

What she saw was libel, propaganda, hate-speech, and worst of all, someone who had revealed things about her that reflected who she really was, and for covert narcs, that is the biggest threat. They might talk. They might expose their true self to others, and then the carefully crafted persona falls apart.

So the only option they see (because they genuinely do not care about bettering themselves) is to completely cut that person off. Otherwise they remain a threat, and so to ensure that threat doesn’t infect their friend group, they tell everyone an enhanced version of *their* side of the story to turn any mutual friends against them, that way those friends will also cut off the threat, thus ensuring the protection of the CN’s persona. This has happened to me so many times.

And they don’t stop there. They lurk the threat’s social media to watch the aftermath and bask in the destruction of that person’s self-worth. To see them fall apart and then share *only* the posts that pertain to them, all the things said out of pain, SIMPLY to try to confirm to all the other friends what a “BAD person they are.”

Because god forbid anyone *else* have emotions.

But you know what? I am honest. I NEVER lied about myself or invented a fake version of myself. I only speak the truth, even if that truth was only true in the moment I spoke it. Feelings change. But that doesn’t change the trueness of that one moment when you were hurting and you spoke your mind.

And that’s just the trouble with me. I am honest and I speak my mind. I am always true to myself and don’t feel I should change who I am unless I see a flaw that needs worked out for personal growth, and sorry not sorry, but I don’t see honesty as a flaw. I’m from the south, where the only thing we sugar coat is our iced-tea.

But people are so afraid of the truth, narcs especially. This whole “fake it ‘til you make it” mindset just makes people afraid to be real, and that creates so many more problems than it solves.

I am proud of myself for never betraying who I am, even if people despise me for it. But… it is so very lonely. And now that loneliness has gotten the better of me because…

In spite of others’ obvious flaws and personality disorders… in spite of how they damaged me… I still love them tremendously and miss them terribly.

But they’re gone and they’re not coming back, and I can no longer open myself up and trust enough to form new friendships, because I know they will end the same way as all the others. It happens every time, and I can’t take another blow like the one Courtney dealt me. I can’t even stand the loneliness and isolation anymore. It’s just so much, and I… I’m just so tired of the litany of things lost.

Even if no one remembers me fondly, I hope they will remember me as someone real. Someone who was here and who wrote all of these words, and who wasn’t afraid of honesty like so, so many others. One of the few who wasn’t brainwashed by society into believing I had to stifle myself.

But also as someone who got exhausted of the burden of the loneliness endured because of it.

I’m Sunny D, and I was real. Remember this.

[pyr0cue]

People when they don’t read notes or anything else on my blog discussing this and would have less of a reaction if they read any further statements beyond my initial vent post about why I don’t like the movie…like this was a vent post that blew up and I didnt want it to because it’s not serious critique 😭 my later posts are

I’m actually going to use this as an excuse to yap because I have soo many thoughts rattling around in this brain of mine and I didn’t have work today.

(I yapped so much !do not open read more unless you want to read like 10 long ass paragraphs!)

I know this is shocking, but I actually have considered the purpose and themes in this movie and still arrived at the conclusion that it’s not good or new.

Let’s talk about the themes. The most prominent theme is about family dynamics. to be more specific; how the decisions of parents will affect their children. You can disagree, that’s what I got from the plot with Lee and her mom. I actually like that plot! I like how she has a terse relationship with her mom, she calls her when she needs comfort but can’t forgive her for how she grew up. I like how it’s implied that her mom’s hoarding has affected her (I.e her clean, nearly empty room as opposed to the packed house.) I like that the hoarding conceals secrets. I liked that her mom ultimately betrayed her. I don’t like how that whole plot is like?? So separate from the murders. I don’t like that the fathers kill the families, I don’t like that they never choose that themselves by any means, not even coercion, and are ~driven by the devil in a doll~. If your main characters plot and conflict is connected to her mother, for the love of god, the other plots should have something to do with them too. You have to do a lot of conjecture to connect Lee’s relationship with her mom to her father, you have to assume he left rather than never having existed, you have to assume maybe he was violent or abusive, you have to make shit up.

So what symbols relate to that theme? Well, you could say the dolls do. That longleg’s attention to those dolls is motherhood, but that reading calls back to something else I mentioned (briefly) in that og post that apparently doesn’t exist despite many people walking away with that feeling. Ok, then, What other things are connected to Lee or or mom that have attention given to them. The car Longlegs drives? Uhhh. The house? Photographs??? Guns?? Again, for all of these, you have to do some crazy logic to have them symbolize anything to that first theme we discussed. The ONLY potential symbols I can think of is the flashing images of the snakes, but that’s less a symbol of motherhood and more of foreshadowing her mom’s betrayal. And the the prayers, which could represent false promises (I.e the false promise Lee’s mom made to keep her safe? But, I mean, it’s made extremely explicit in the film via a 5 minuet mologue by her mom that her choice to work with Longlegs did actually keep her safe and thus Carter’s daughter safe) Hmmm. So we got nothing. Furthermore, we have no other connection throughout the movie. It would have been easy to have the mother’s kill instead of the fathers, or to give Lee a complicated relationship with her father. But, noooo, Longlegs needs specifically a trustworthy woman to help, why? I guess it has nothing to do with anything to do with Longlegs being even a little bit a trans stereotype. Because I’m crazyyy and somehow doing fake activism by making a vent post about disliking a movie.

Ok, anyway, no symbols there. What about other themes? I’ll list a few that kind of maybe make sense: good vs evil, Satan’s influence, uhhh. Erm. I really got nothing. I guess we could say satan’s presence is a symbol for both his influence and for evil in general? I guess? But that’s lame and kind of basic, and not even a little bit new or unique, most movies about satan use him as a symbol for evil.

Ok, ran out of themes mostly because the movie is poorly constructed and has a lame ass plot with very little real substance. Let’s try to work backwards, I’ll name a few objects that stood out to me in the film and try to make themes out of them, because symbols HAVE TO BE CONNECTED TO A THEME TO BE A SYMBOL. Basic media literacy. Anyway. Let’s think: the dolls, their brains, empty houses/buildings/streets, the colors white and red, prayers/the Bible, Satan, photographs, nighttime, songs, and the cuckoo sound.

Ok we can dismiss a few of these of being theme relevant. Longleg’s “cuckoo” was stated by the actor to simply be something creepy (but it was inspired by his mom! Oh wait, nvm, Longlegs is 100% a cis male and meant to be portrayed and seen as cis). I think photographs are generally used for just atmosphere and fear, with them providing 1/3 of the jumpscares in the movie. They could represent memory, and I could SEE that as being a theme, but I don’t think enough time is spent on memory too much is spent on Lee’s psychic abilities for it to be super prevalent. Mostly because I want themes to say something about the human condition or even just Lee as a person, but in my opinion memory and lack of it is used as a plot device for the ~big twist.~ nighttime/darkness is just used as atmosphere and to create fear (remember in the babadook when they emphasized darkness through stark shots in order to symbolize grief and guilt…yeah Longlegs doesn’t do that). And while I think the emptiness everywhere could be used as a symbol for like…disconnectedness? I also think it’s more prevalently used as a device to create fear and unease, which it does succeed at.

Ok. So now I do think there is some interesting symbols. Well, the colors red and white aren’t exactly unique and are used as always to symbolize purity and how it is corrupted (in this case, usually corruption because of the devil, again not unique.). In the movie, the white makeup on Longlegs (btw, according to the director, a man with bad plastic surgery and white makeup is why Longlegs is scary.) is splattered in blood as he yells “hail Satan” wow so spooky and new! red used to represent the devils final takeover of longleg’s personhood and soul??!! This is so innovative and has never happened ever in any movie before. It’s also used to splatter Lee’s mom’s white nun outfit, and Lee’s white shirt. So it’s there, but not really unique or related to any interesting themes that are any further explored in the movie (again, I see a little bit of time dedicated to the idea of corruption, but Longlegs being ‘corrupted’ isn’t really shown because we only ever see him after that transformation, and the idea of fathers being corrupted by the devil isn’t connected to a larger theme and contradicts and distracts from other themes. Which isn’t to say you can’t have contradicting themes, you just need to actually explore them and not dip into them briefly in bits and pieces.)

Again, I think prayers and Satan are a pretty cut and dry “prayers can’t help you because Satan is evil” I think Satan is a bad motivation for the villian and takes away the agency he has, agency is what makes serial killers scary: that they can make a choice and choose to harm. Longlegs isn’t scary if he doesn’t make a choice, if everything bad he does is actually the work of the devil.

The best most interesting thing in the movie was those dolls. They had so much potential only for the reason behind them existing and how they work to be explained to me in PAINFUL detail: the devil possesses them. WOW scary possessed devil dolls, such a new concept! I think the dolls and their brains could have been so interesting as symbols, symbols of childhood or symbols of motherhood or symbols of fear or symbols of what violence leaves behind. But themes of childhood aren’t very present in this film, motherhood IS but ehhh the only doll really used for that is Lee’s doll (I guess that’s a symbol on its own, I’ll give you that on I didn’t mention before), they aren’t feared by families they’re REVERED, and there’s nothing really left behind, only when the child survives with is. Twice. And not really about the dolls, more so the children themselves. And no, the dolls symbolizing Lee and the other girl is lazy 👍

When I think of movies that are unique and fresh, that added something new to the genre of horror, movies like Longlegs don’t come close!! Ari Aster and his films Hereditary and Midsommar MUCH better pursue and represent the idea of cults and demons and how they hurt families, Hereditary uses the devil/demon as a metaphor for generational trauma, Longlegs doesn’t use it as a symbol for anything, let alone an extended metaphor. Saw (1! Only 1!) utilized new camera techniques and editing, tried out new ideas in color grading, and is the reason Longlegs got to have the gore that it did. Silence of the Lambs, for all the criticisms I have of it, is iconic and popularized crime horror as a genre. Rocky horror, Jordan peele’s movies, the haunting of hill house adaptation, the Blair witch project, there’s so many iconic, innovative movies out there that have unique themes and ideas portrayed through precise character work, innovative filmmaking techniques, and new themes and ideas not really explored on the big screen before.

Longlegs is interesting to me because of how much it attempts to grasp. It wants to be a haunting film about family dynamics like hereditary, and a mysterious crime movie like its inspirations, and a scary supernatural film. It tries to be this big, grand film with so much substance, but it tries to hard. Longlegs is interesting in the ways it fails: in its plot holes, in its poor storytelling, in its confusing elements but its over explaining all the things that aren’t confusing, in its beating of a dead horse that is Satan in horror.

And the thing is: I’ve seen some of Perkin’s other movies. I’ve seen I am the pretty thing that lives in the house, I thought it was new!! Unique!! But ultimately just not all that impactful, but it wasn’t trying to be the film of the century, and it didn’t have to be to be unsettling. Where he fails with Longlegs is trying to make a film that it isn’t. Horror doesn’t have to be the #1 film to be scary, your movie doesn’t need to have a complicated plot to be impactful and deep (especially if you can’t make it cohesive), your villain doesn’t need to be iconic. What makes movies like scream, Halloween, alien, silence of the lambs, etc iconic was that they told a story for the sake of a story, for the sake of fear, NOT for the sake of acclaim or a following or money.

I disliked Longlegs because it claimed to be innovative and terrifying and the film of the century when it was..just a movie. If they had marketed it as a thriller, as unsettling, etc it wouldn’t have left me feeling annoyed and disappointed and it would have lived up to its expectations. I like plenty of films with plotholes and lame plots and lame scares but none of them claim to be better than they are. Horror isn’t about acclaim, you get that by being good at what you do. Perkins is obsessed with how deep his movie is when it’s really not, and everything that could be deep isn’t really shown in the film (I.e Longlegs backstory). Longlegs had so much potential and so little follow through, it’s disappointing.

Fans of this movie love to tell people they’re dumb or stupid because they don’t like it. And I’m never going to ever tell someone they shouldn’t like it!! I’m not trying to cancel it, I’m critiquing it based on my opinions and experiences, it’s not as big of a deal and some people in my tags are making it out to be. Believe it or not, i can say Longlegs was shit and unoriginal and you can disagree with me without being a cunt in my notifications :)

If you have a reading of this movie that is different than mine I WANT TO HEAR IT!! If you see symbols and themes where I don’t TELL ME!! I want To have interesting discussions about a film!! But don’t be a dick.

So yes. Here is my longest post ever in which i prove to the world that I did understand Longlegs and saw what it was trying to do and still think it failed on every level. Media literacy as a buzzword to say ‘I don’t agree with your opinion’ is going to destroy the internet. Again.

Long legs was good for the first 2 mins and then I was like. Oh is nick cage being coded as a trans woman who kills children. And then I was like oh great another movie about murders for Satan like shut uppppp I’ve seen three hundred movies about fucking Satan. I don’t care that’s not scary it’s not interesting or innovative or new. It was so good, the ambience and the visuals and the camera work and the acting were AMAZING and then it was just the same old fucking story about man killing children for Satan. The fuck you mean this is a ‘refreshing’ movie I’ve seen the same thing in a million other movies