#I needed to do something else to vent. Thus. This post.

[write-it-motherfuckers]

Well, that was a much bigger shitstorm than I had been expecting.

First of all, kid's ok, they just kept him over night because he's so young and concussions are a bit more of a risk, especially given his extensive medical history. Thankfully though, he seems to be on the mend, and he should be home by the time you Darlings are seeing this post.

As for why you're seeing this post, originally I was just meant to be playing emergency babysitter until the dad finished work and got home, but unfortunately he's just as big of a piece of shit as he usually is (Why they're still together and actively having more kids I have no idea) and decided that since someone was already with the kids, then instead of rushing home like he was asked to by his wife, he was going to make the best of it and go out drinking with his friends.

Both his wife and his elderly mother in law tried to contact him, but after the third set of calls, he turned off his phone. Not once did he ask who was with his kids, or how his injured son was, all he cared about was going out and drinking. (I sincerely hope she leaves his arse soon. Holy shit)

The mum did apologise to me repeatedly, but since their only living family is her elderly mother who is by no means capable of looking after five kids under the age of seven, she really didn't have a choice but to rely on me until her or her (shitty) husband could return home. And for obvious reasons, she couldn't exactly leave a four year old in the hospital by himself.

In the end, the "dad" didn't get home until about nine am this morning, stinking of grog, and I don't feel comfortable leaving them with him. I did quickly head back and grab a charger for my phone so that I could type this up, but since the youngest ones will be waking from their after feed nap soon, and the mum is still a way's off from getting back, I'm probably not going to have time to sort through my reblogs properly.

On a small positive note though, it does look like all my stuff is back now, so I should be able to go back to posting older reblogs tomorrow. For now, I'm just going to focus on the kids and then go back and crash into my own bed.

Thank you for your understanding and patience, Darling ones. Please remember to take care of yourselves 🖤

[izzy-b-hands]

finally broke into one of my new syringes (still have some old ones, but figured hey i should try them for this shot)

Tw for bitching abt medical shit/my injs below the cut

and i just. why is my doc intentionally making this harder. I ask for 3ml syringes bc it's what im used to and know how to draw up. She agreed to that, so i never checked my new ones bc why should i? she listened, she sent in for 3mls, right?

NOPE. fucking 1 ml which means figuring out the draw up has required online searching to make sure it's right, and bonus! everything I've found doesn't recommend it for T bc it's such a slow inj to begin with, and 'many feel it takes longer to inject in smaller syringes designed mainly for IV use, which lessens compliance with injection schedules in some'

And i hate how it looks. it looks like so much more, and i know that's stupid bc it isn't, it's the same amount as usual, but the sight of it is v much involved in me getting my injs done with my fear of needles. I know, again, I KNOW planned parenthood is dealing with not enough funding, hands on staff, etc, but does that really prevent you from listening to your patient and trying to help them with shit like this? bc i don't think it should. I'm still forever grateful they've been helping me keep my T going until I find a primary care doc, but at the same time...what the fuck? I said this would be an issue, and i need to stay with my usual supplies. If that was an issue for them, i was willing to buy syringes myself from the medical gear shop I've used for extra supplies before (that will ship out here, I've checked.) Why won't she just fucking. listen, and talk to me? if all she could do was 1 ml syringes, fine, BUT FUCKING TELL ME THAT BEFORE SO I CAN JUST BUY MY OWN

Like. I will get this done. ill use these crap syringes up bc I refuse to waste them.

But now I'm overly nervous and worried im gonna fuck it up with the new syringe, or that it will hurt more or take even longer to inject than usual, so my hands are too shaky to do it! im already a day late with it, and I'd bet ten bucks I wont be able to calm myself enough to do it until tomorrow. Yes, this is also autism bs of needing things the same but like. I've had to do a lot of adjusting since last year, and have made efforts to accept changes and sporadic things. it's been hard as fuck, but I've fucking done it. so why can't i have one fucking thing like this stay the same? just my inj supplies, that's it! I'll accept and deal with other changes but for fuck's sake, she KNOWS I'm nervous abt fucking up my injections (bc i always want them to go well so i get as much med in me as i can, with minimal tracking out after it), why the fuck wouldn't she at least tell me if she was limited in syringes/what she can rx?

Why don't docs listen when i talk, and why won't they just talk and be honest with me like a fucking adult. is that honestly so fucking difficult?

Apparently so 🙃

[shout-it-out13]

This fandom I swear

So I know I’m basically screaming into the void here but I have seen some seriously alarming tendencies of both parasocial behaviour and now downright infantalisation regarding Yoongi’s DUI incident

Now I’m a big fan of Yoongi, and I’m just as fond of the “lil meow meow” memes about him as anybody else, but it just doesn’t apply in this case.

Let me spell out the obvious (because then takes I’m seeing is downright worrying):

1. Min Yoongi is a 31 year old man. Not a baby or a teen, a whole ass adult, in his 30s. Thus him being of legal age, makes him as fully subject to the law, as any other legal adult of legal age (or even those of minor age, persecution of underage people is very much a thing, and even if he wasn’t an adult, he would still have received criminal punishment).

(Edit: It has been brought to my attention that I had misunderstood the situation and I must admit that I based this post when I wrote it on what I had seen on Tumblr of the situation (no, I didn’t fact-check online and I won’t now either, this post was made out of an emotional response to the overall fandom situation)(I get if people thinks that’s messed up and ignorant of me (which you’re entitled to totally) but personally I have never been personally invested much in BTS beyond their music and I don’t see that changing). I just wanted to vent and say my piece, I apologise for any misinformation I may have caused. Again, I do not condone the media backlash that has gone beyond the reasonable amount (holding him accountable is different from going on a outright witch-hunt).

-I know this post is months old, and I see now I have had people in my inbox since I first posted it, and I only have seen them now (I ignore that I even have mutuale, inbox and dms on here because that’s just not what I’m here for). I must admit that I did delete your messages and could have actually researched the situation, but to be honest I can’t be bothered (again, I’m not Wikipedia, the facts are there online, this post was made and now edited out of my emotional frustration over the situation), but felt I should at least say something so here it is, lazily edited and smacked in the middle.

2. A DUI (which you can get while operation any form of vehicle or mode of transportation, be it cars, scooters, boats, bikes etc) is a serious offense, no matter what the outcome is. It’s fortunate that this situation was so mild, nobody got hurt nor no personal damages, it still is a serious offense and should have be treated as such. Yes, we shouldn’t be treating this situation as if he hit and killed somebody, but he still could have, and this needs to be taken seriously.

Min Yoongi, a man in his 30s (a grown ass man of legal age, whom I’m seeing getting his criminal offense downplayed like nothing happened by those both of legal age and those not), committed a crime, as mild as the situation was, is a serious situation and for that break of the law, he deserves to be punished for it. And the fact that there are people treating like he did nothing wrong is just idiotic.

The amount of parasocial behaviour (friendly reminder, you will never truly know any idol, youtuber, celebrity, actor etc if you don’t personally know them (no meeting them multiple times and borderline stalking them and learning evrry single detail you can about them online doesn’t count) and infantilisation in this fandom is insane.

Stop putting people you look up to on such a high pedestal until the point where you think they can do nothing wrong (like some armys are doing right now, with a man in his 30s)

I love Yoongi, I still look up to him even after this, I’m glad that he wasn’t hurt and that this doesn’t hurt his military service. I hope he learns from this, faces whatever legal punishment they give him, and hope that he can regain his license again in the future.

I hope he, the company and most importantly the fandom, recognises how serious this situation is and stops going “poor little meow meow” or “I’m in love with a criminal” (no you don’t, nobody in the fandom knows who and how BTS are in their private lives (private lives whom they are fully entitled to keep hidden from overobsessive fangirls who thinks stalking people counts as knowing them. They’re people, not objects nor saints, please treat them as such) over a man who commuted a criminal offense, aka broke the law and now needs to face said punishment.

I know I have been repeating myself over and over, but with the amount of braindead takes seen in this fandom regarding theses legal grown men, is just painful.

[botanikos]

Good evening! 

While I hate to make such a large announcement and “kill the vibe” for the weekend, I really do need to set something straight. The world outside of roleplay is tumultuous and full of horrors, ailments, and struggles unique to each day. Writing is a hobby for many of us, I assume, and a reprieve from the chaos that hounds us. However, I cannot speak for anyone else; these are my words, and my feelings. 

I made this blog as a means to connect with others and write! Roleplay, to me, is what I have always enthusiastically described as collaborative storytelling. Not only that, but it is one of the easiest and most accessible and enjoyable means of relief for me. I get on my silly little blog to write and goof off. To step away from everything else around me. Sure, occasionally I let my own feelings for the day seep into my writing - but who doesn’t use their muse as a means to an end when things have been a little rough? In the end, I am here to have fun!

Like anyone else, however, I am unfortunately and fatally…human. I have feelings such as doubt, anger, frustration, anxiety, joy, compassion, etc.. There will be times where I may have the desire or need to let these feelings be known in an OOC post. It is my blog, and that is my right! That is every individual’s right; your blog should always be your safe space, and that is exactly what mine is: A safe space. That being said, I work hard to keep my blog safe not only for myself, but for my mutuals or anyone who might come across it. I tag anything and everything I should or can, when I remember to do so and as I see fit. What I will NOT engage in however, is drama, venting, or negative specific vague-posting. And I refuse to consistently let it be a constant presence any longer. 

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? 

My blog will remain a safe space for anyone seeking comfort, reprieve, or looking for advice provided we are mutuals. You may always approach me with any questions or concerns, especially if it is in regards to my/our writing or content on my blog. I encourage any discussions to be held in privacy between us either through tumblr IM or Discord (available upon request or when I occasionally offer it on the dash). 

I will NOT unfollow anyone for the occasional vent post. OOC venting and feelings are FINE! I make those too! My blog will have a LOT of OOC postings throughout the week and even peppered between replies and activity. My DMs are ALWAYS open if you are having a particularly hard time, and need someone to talk to (albeit, I may be delayed). 

What I WILL UNFOLLOW FOR includes but is not limited to: harassment of any kind, bullying, constant negativity, constant trauma dumping, constant acknowledgement of anonymous hate-mail, constant complaints of lack of interaction (ONLY if I have knowledge that I have reached out multiple times or reason to assume others have done so too), negative or derogatory vague posting of other users. Also, please keep in mind that I have other responsibilities outside of tumblr. While I may not immediately receive your message, see it, or response to it, it does not mean it will go ignored! Though it is no one's business, I have my own chronic conditions and experience varying degrees of social burn-out. I love chatting but can become easily overwhelmed! Give me time!

IN REGARDS TO BLOCKING - I do not block anyone without reason. So far, I have only ever blocked spam or porn bots. However, if I grow uncomfortable or have reason to doubt the safety of my space, I will not hesitate to hard block. You will not be given a warning, because again, I do not do this often / at all thus far. And for me to take this sort of action, it simply means I am unwilling to communicate my discomfort and for what I believe to be, good reason. I do not immediately block people I unfollow because on most occasions, if I unfollow someone it is either A) an accident or B) just that I don't vibe or see us interacting anytime soon or in the future. This does not inherently mean this won't change! Maybe later on I have expanded my abilities or have newfound interest / new perspectives! Neat! But unfollowing does not warrant an immediate block from me. Blocking is a SOLID and DEFINITE sentence. I do not do it lightly.

Please understand that I still wish to be a positive presence and will continue to do my best to provide this! But even I have my limits, my own external struggles, and I am weary… So very, very tired. 

If you have any GENUINE questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to reach out to me! I value communication and compassion above all things, and will happily engage in a civilized conversation about anything you might find unclear. 

Thanks for reading! 

Jude

[set-phasers-to-whump]

(not) a sweeping success

prompt: unconventional weapon

whumpee: river cartwright

fandom: slough house/slow horses

hi all and welcome to my first (and certainly not last) fic for these books/show. i saw the prompt and was immediately like 'oh that's perfect for river' lmao. hope you like!

River tears through the empty building, searching desperately for anything he can use to either hide or defend himself. The maniac with the knife follows close behind, and he’s keenly aware of how quickly he needs to find something. 

He rounds a corner and there—a door. He flings it open, jumps inside, pulls it shut behind him. 

It’s a supply closet. Fucking hell. 

It’s mostly empty, too, save for a broom and dustpan and assorted dusty cleaning supplies. 

For lack of a better option, he grabs the broom, and then leans against the door to keep it closed as the madman with the knife pounds on it.  There is no lock and nothing to barricade himself with. A quick look around reveals no vents or windows or anything with which he might make an escape. 

His choices are thus: wait for the psycho with the knife to break the door down, or open the door himself and go on the attack. 

With his broom. 

Jesus. 

He grips the handle tightly, then spins around and wrenches the door open. 

The other man falls forwards for a second, then lashes out with the knife. 

River smacks him with the broom. This stops the knife’s movement but accomplishes little else. The madman laughs. 

River charges at him, out of the little closet, swinging the broom wildly in the hopes of keeping some distance between them. 

Except his opponent is not terribly put off by the broom. He ducks it, lets it hit him, all the while inching closer, knife at the ready. 

He lunges out and catches River on the back of the hand. It stings. His grip on the broom falters, but he forces his hand to continue cooperating. 

He swings the broom again, and the movement makes the gash on his hand tear. Blood flows down towards his wrist, soaking his sleeve. 

Another attack with the knife, parried by the broom. A grazing of sharp metal against his cheek. A solid smack when the wooden handle connects with a shoulder. 

The next time he swings the broom, his opponent grabs it one-handed, tries to wrench it away. But River has two hands, pulls back, nearly falls when the other man relinquishes his grasp. 

In that split second of unbalance, the maniac makes his move. His knife sinks into the outside of River’s shoulder and is then torn away roughly. River howls, and in a blinding flash of pain and anger takes two steps back and then swings the broom like a baseball bat, directly at his opponent’s head. 

There’s a loud crack, and the man drops to the floor. 

River drops the broom and starts to run. 

thanks for reading! i may or may not do a second part to this, we'll see :)

also, i am aware that i'm literally posting a silly little fanfiction rn but. since today marks one year since the intensification of the attacks on the palestinian people, if you've enjoyed my stuff and if you're able to, it would mean so so much to me if you could donate to an organization like UNRWA, PCRF, or the fundraiser of literally any palestinian family. everything we do can help!!!

[mauesartetc]

Hi, I just want to vent: I've gotten huge amounts of backlash for posting my criticisms of Helluva Boss on reddit, especially about Stolas' and Stella's relationship-stating why I think it's a bad depiction of abuse etc. And while I've said things that were insensitive and out of line, I find it very hypocritical that many fans defend Vivziepop to high heaven and act like she's some kinda goddess of writing who can do no wrong.

It's clear to me that many fans are so passionately defensive of the writing because find Stolas and his experiences relatable, and thus they see any criticism of his character and how the abuse is written as a personal attack.

Not gonna mention any names, but I've seen certain people say things that basically dismiss all critics as "immature kids who don't get real mature art like Helluva Boss" and explain the inconsistensies and plot holes with handwaves that while plausible, ignore the rule of "show don't tell". It all feels like ass-kissing and refusing to acknowledge that your fave show has flaws to me.

I really hate the dismissal of any critics as "abuse apologists" when the show itself is terrible at handling the topic of abuse, plays abusive behavior for laughs and depicts things that are toxic as "cute".

I also want to add that some people have justified Stella's one-note personality by saying "real maturity is accepting that sometimes people are just jerks" I find that a shoddy excuse.

I don't believe that any person on the planet is a jerk for no real reason, because real people aren't political strawmen or enemies in a war-propaganda film designed to incite rage and disgust-they have reasons for their actions even if they are disagreeable. To me, the comfortable fantasy is believing that the people who hurt you are evil monsters who only exist to inflict misery, when the truth is that they are their own people with positive and sympathetic qualities like everyone else.

These are my thoughts, I would like to hear yours on what I said.

"Immature kids who don't get real mature art like Helluva Boss"

LMAO okay if that person considers Helluva Boss "mature art", I'm convinced they've never consumed any other media intended for an adult demographic, and therefore have nothing to compare it to. The only time Helluva felt like a show for adults (to me, anyway) was Moxxie and Millie's song in "Ozzie's", where they have the confidence to reaffirm for themselves that they don't need to be kinky to have a fulfilling sex life. That's a message actual adults can relate to and need to hear. But the rest of the show comes off like it was written by edgy teens who think they know how to balance comedy and drama just because they've seen BoJack Horseman. Spoilers- They don't.

You're allowed to like it, you're allowed to think it's a good show overall, but... mature? Is it really? C'mon now.

Here's the thing: When people know they have no argument, they start mischaracterizing their opponent's position so it's easier for them to take the moral high ground. Easier for them to "win". Oh, you're not a fan of this show? You must be an abuse apologist, or a homophobe. They make these claims despite having little to no evidence they're true, just so they can disregard reasonable criticism and retreat to their comfortable little bubble where no one disagrees with them.

And you see this kind of rabid defense whenever someone has developed such an unhealthy attachment to something they like that it's become a vital part of their identity. They feel, at least subconsciously, that any attack on that thing is an attack on them. Why do you think some sports fans throw a fit when their team loses?

This is partly why I feel it's important to criticize media you like in addition to media you don't, understanding that nothing made by human hands will ever be perfect. If you can get some emotional distance from it, you won't get heated every time someone expresses the tiniest beef with it. Because chances are, it might also be a criticism you've made.

But I think at this point it's best to just disengage. If someone's made their mind up on a particular topic, no amount of convincing will change it. Leaving the conversation (or not entering it in the first place) is always an option. Block that subreddit if you have to. If you think they're wrong, let them be wrong. In a few years, they might find some sense of identity outside the stuff they enjoy, or they might not. It's not really your concern. The only real winner in an internet argument is the one who has a life outside of it.

[wri0thesley]

hi, nat! truly sorry if this is a bit much but i guess i need to vent this out somewhere and you're one of my fave creators here so, i hope you can bear with me on this.

i really never cared that much for notes, so long as i put out my works here, i'm good, always thankful and happy nonetheless whenever someone interacts with it. nowadays, it's really getting to me, like what am i missing? i'm active here, interact with a lot of my mutuals and artists i come across with whenever their works interest me, i can say as well that my works are decent, i've been here almost two years now and my progress with engagements are still so low, like i have lots of followers but it always makes me think that no one likes me at all bc no one talks to me here 💀 seeing a lot of writers get so much from anything they put out is honestly just makes me wish i have that as well and keeps me over thinking whether my works are actually good or i'm not likable at all.

i don't know, i guess what i want to get here is maybe an advice on how to not feel like this. again, i'm really sorry to put this here and hope you could understand.

hello beloved anon! i do not mind this kind of venting, do not worry <3

i think it is very very difficult to really 'not care about notes'. for artists and for people who basically put pieces of their soul out there into the world (and that counts as silly sexy drabbles too; everything you create has a piece of you in it!), it is hard to send something you care about out into the great wide world and feel as though people are just ignoring it!

for me, though, i try to frame it as thus: it is very nice to have a post with 1000 notes. it is less nice to have a post with 1000 notes when 23 are reblogs with no tags and the other 977 are likes. it is WONDERFUL to have a post with 60 notes where 15 are likes, 20 are replies to specific parts of the post, and the other 25 are reblogs with tags!!! if you can make yourself excited about the quality of the engagement, that is a wonderful way to stop caring about the number! but i understand if you're not even getting that . . . yeah, it can be really difficult!

(and believe me the jealousy is real!!! i have been here for like seven years or so and i sometimes still get jealous of writers with lots of notes and friendship groups that seem to rally around them!)

honestly it sounds as if you are just unlucky! especially if you are an active participant in lifting other people up; i find that artists/writers feel so much more inclined to interact with you if you do it first (i know thats true for me bc i am afraid of annoying people!). i wish i had better advice for you, but there is unfortunately no catch-all 'here is how to stop caring and also to make everyone else care'. but i understand where you are coming from and i can promise you are not at all alone!!! <3 sometimes tumblr also goes through peaks and troughs of interaction; i got way more interaction a few years ago when jjk was at its peak and i was chugging out content than i do now. sometimes it's just about making the right post at the right time! the internet is fickle like that. but i support you and i know you are doing your best and i hope that you can feel a little bit better at least!!! in five years maybe someone will stumble across something you've created and feel Seen in a way they haven't before. you are making something permanent when you Create that transcends notes and asks! <3

[plutonium-sky]

If you don't see me posting or replying or anything that's because I'm grounded because having a summer vacation for once isn't an option and I must find a job or volunteer position or else I'll have a bad time. Also most of my drawing related things were confiscated so

tw venting and abusive parent

apparently not even ONE FUCKING WEEK CAN GO WITHOUT YELLING. What the fuck am I doing wrong here. i never had even a year without being shoved somewhere where i dont want. i have adhd. i dont have meds. you are making me delete discord, my only reliable source of communication, thus cutting off one of the only things keeping me from breaking down every day. what are you trying to accomplish. im already on the verge of crying nearly every day bc you need therapy and threaten me to call 911 to find a new home which we both know won't happen because i'm a high schooler. just stop. stop please leave me alone just ignore my existence you always say that something is wrong with me i dont want to be grabbed by the hair or ear this is my life in my era not yours

[whiterosechrista]

Introduction

So. I'm realizing (with the vent time post kerfuffle) that it'd probably be a good idea for me to give people a basic understanding of who I am and where I come from, so that they can reference it if any of my posts come off odd/offensive/etc. out of context.

Basic Facts

I'm 24 years old, Caucasian, American, biologically female, comfortable with she/her and they/them pronouns. I'm an introvert who doesn't get out often, but I'm not some basement-dwelling Neckbeard-equivalent. I have a strong sense of empathy, which leads me to want to play mediator often (though thankfully I'm aware of my limits and don't act on every want). My likes include anime, storytelling, art, history, SCP, Kpop, science, outer space, and mac n' cheese (among other things). My dislikes include racism, ablism, homophobia, transphobia, and basically anything else involving unreasonable hate.

History

I grew up as effectively a single child, moving back and forth between houses because my parents were already separated, though not officially divorced. They both loved me, and tried their best to raise me well, but (for reasons I'll touch on later) I definitely bonded more with my mom than my dad. There was one house that at least one of them always lived in consistently, so I think of it as my childhood home.

I was a fairly happy child, I think, though there were some issues with bullying that I can't remember clearly anymore, and it did affect me, though maybe not as much as the school itself; I used to love to draw/paint, and I stopped after I got into school because art class convinced me I wasn't doing it "right."

The teachers (some, at least) didn't like that I learned differently than other kids (e.g. making connections between concepts in Math and English at age ~8), and so made me take one of those "morality tests"; multiple-choice questionnaires about moral decisions like returning a lost wallet (which, btw, I left blank because they hadn't given me enough info about the situation; they decided that meant there was something wrong with me).

(Ironically, this was a Montessori school, which are supposed to be less rigid about teaching styles than standard schools.)

So I transferred to a different Montessori school at age ~10, which had a system where kids would sign their name on their class sheet when they came in, and didn't like that I stopped to say hi to kids in other classes first (for reference, my class was on the second floor, the other kids' were on the ground floor).

Thus, for either this or some other reason, they recommended I go to therapy. My mom, thinking "well, she might have reason to need it", agreed. I spent a while there before the therapist said "this is the most well-adjusted child I've ever seen, please leave so I can tend to people who actually need me."

After about a year of this school, Mom asked if I'd like to try homeschooling, and that's what I've been doing ever since (though technically what we did was unschooling, which is a bit different).

It was after I started homeschooling that I started writing, got really into anime to the point of learning Japanese by watching it, and made my best friends to date.

I've done things like ballet, gymnastics, parkour, circus arts, piano, roller derby, and sang/played at Girls' Rock Camp/Club Boston (though I think the name's changed to be more gender-inclusive). I don't do much of this stuff anymore, though I might get back into it at some point.

Pre-Covid, I was taking drawing classes and Japanese classes (mostly for reading it, since anime didn't teach me that), and back in 2022, I got officially certified to teach English as a second language (though I've yet to find a job, unfortunately).

I'm currently living in an apartment with my mom, sitting around with a sprained back, hoping that it'll heal in time for my best friend to take me on a Duck Boat tour in Boston on June 2nd, and blogging for the first time in my life.

I hope this has helped. It feels like an info-dump, but apparently I can't make anything concise, so here we are.

Feel free to ask/comment/dm me for more details about anything (or just to chat). I might not be comfortable with sharing some things, but most things I should be fine with. Just be respectful about it and we should be good. :)

Edit; just realized I didn't touch on why I bonded more with my mom than my dad. The short version is that mom is open-minded, gentle (though she can definitely be stern), and always asks what I want before doing something, and my dad sort of doesn't always "get it." For instance; the moment I turned 16, he started badgering me about getting my driver's license, even though I barely went anywhere that wasn't in walking distance and anywhere I didn't could be accessed by either public transport or someone else driving me. He also wanted me to do SAT prep and similar things, got stuck in the "Alternative Medicine" rabbithole and somehow still manages to be surprised that my mom won't make me try it without my consent (for reference, this was after I sprained my back; it's not the first time he's wanted me to try Alt Meds and definitely not the first time my mom's refused). So, yeah. He's not a bad guy, and he definitely tries, he's just a bit too stuck in his own world sometimes.

[anophelei]

cw csa rape idk venting

if you come at me for this i will kill you btw

genuinely as a victim like despite being entirely in favour of killing your rapists (i would if i could lol, and im specifically not talking about victims here too) it's so fucking disturbing how people respond every time allegations come out against someone 🙃

(its about those people like ... they're in the comment section on news articles n replies of tumblr callouts saying like "every piece of pure filth like this needs to be strung out by their entrails every pedophile and rapist should be made to suffer" despite you knowing full well they raped one of your friends at a party and dateraped your other friend at a bar ... and everyone else too✌...)

like people who resolutely could not give less of a fuck about victims all crawling out of the wood work to froth at the mouth together about stringing the freaks from the ceiling ??

its just .... call me crazy but it's not fucking normal for your response to hearing about someone victimizing children to be to flock together and engage in purely masturbatory mass ritual self aggrandizement !!!!!!!

its so clear how little anyone cares about the victims i mean ... i could count on one hand the amount of times ive seen someone so much as spare a thought ... or wait would i have to cut all my fingers off to do that ? ive never seen someone respond with any expression of sympathy or grief or sadness or fucking anything !!!! those gestures are pretty hollow sure but that just means we're beneath even hollow gestures from strangers it's fucking awesome heheee

its just so transparent too it's not about fuck man that's awful my condolences its about THEIR disgust get the fuck over yourself dude boohoo poor you just so fucked up that you got grossed about while trying to be a voyeurist freak :o( die about it

like you're not the victims, you don't know them, you don't even know the piece of shit who did it. this has affected you for a grand total of five minutes while you further exploited the victims. its not your place, and tbh you don't have any fucking right when you've never so much as Thought about us, which like, how do you even care at all, but especially this much, when we literally don't exist to you ? if we only exist for the sake of being victimised and voyeurised and matter so little we're not even worth your trite consolence then what the fuck do you care about any crime against us ???

okay no wait fuck ... they're ... are they genuinely this pissed off about someone ... 🙃 i was going to say they only care about being disgusted that someone gets off to children as a joke but it's fucking not that's literally all that matters to them, we only exist as fucking props to them, like what. the fuck. okay yeah ive been sitting here for 30 mins processing the fact that ... most people are purely disgusted by pedophilia Just Because. like the reason it matters is because It Does. haha. like um i knew people didn't care about csa victims but :o( huh. wow.

like guess i just thought that everyone was normal and .. like .. imagine caring so little about csa victims that they aren't even the reason why you think csa is even a crime, or bad, or a bad crime, or even something that has any fucking moral significance at all. pedophilia doesn't matter because of the immense amount of trauma and harm it will cause to a child who is unable to comprehend the potential consequences and thus is unable to consent, it only matters in any way because It Just Does It's Evil. post cancelled i need to die and then drink too much n i cant do either :o(

[madwickedawesome]

having my christian post absinthe moment beware 😁 aka venting under the cut sorru ignore this or dont ignore this i have no preference i just sound . idk

i feel . so . indescribable. and of course this makes me crazy because what am i if i dont have a way to express it through any words???? despair doesnt cut it; emptiness isnt exact; anger is just completely wrong; melancholy has the incorrect connotation, etc. etc. etc. maybe crossing between verdi dies irae and prokofiev death of tybalt and stravinsky adoration of the earth?? i cant. articulate it and thus i am insane

i dont feel like i will ever be able to be a normal human being or like i will ever experience things like anyone else does . and like sure embrace that but im Tired of feeling so many emotions all the time. im tired all the time i cant handle this all or nothingness to life its either such reverence such holiness i am entirely devoted to them they are my world and my angel or its i cannot handle a single moment on this earth any longer everything is against me i will never be happy i am unlovable or its plainly. nothingness . its a lot to handle as a person and ive never been known for being great at coping with my emotions or my own theatrics

additionally i ? feel so annoying all of the time. even writing this im afraid someones going to read this and think Wow what an asshole . these are such first world problems and the way im articulating them is so pretentious stuck up asshole but i dont . know how to fix it . i talk too much i overshare my heart doesnt belong on my sleeve i dont Need to be sharing any of this with the world but i still feel compelled--writing this is defying my will, i assure you

(unsure as to why i feel the need to continue)

i cant love normally i cant hate normally i cant interact normally i cant ever do anything normally . the nagging, incessant, prolonged fear of those i love leaving me for these things haunts me . please dont get tired of me i can always bring something new to the table i will jump through any hoop for this i will put the stars in the sky if it means someone will stay . im Tired im Exhausted no ceaseless posting or writing of love letters or Yearning will save me im trapped in a grave im not even certain ive dug myself. i think im just like this and doomed to stay like this

i long to make music and i long to love and to be loved all ive ever wanted is to be loved but everything is in the way at all times . maybe i wasnt meant to be loved im not even sure . i give so much more than im allowed to take which is fitting as the?? court jester of my own life . so much of the world matters to me love is everything to me Everything and Nothing is my world . does this matter?? will anyone see this??? i cant even be sure . i just want peace and love and safety

[becaexists]

Gonna vent for just a second because I literally have no one to talk to about this so y'know turning to the internet as one does

All over my social medias like Twitter and tiktok (I know they're bad but sometimes they're designed to trap you) everyone is talking about Brianna Ghey, the 16 year old trans girl that was murdered on Saturday. She was a year younger than me, I have friends that are the same age, and all I have seen all day because I've been travelling thus had nothing better to do than to stare at my phone, is so much of the same thing, the same kind of posts, just talking about how this sweet young girl was murdered, potentially out of hate for our community but they're "not sure", and it is really fucking getting to me.

I know it sounds selfish as hell to because it sounds like "oh there was a trans girl murdered and I have to complain about seeing it everywhere" but it's not that, it's the things people put in and under the posts about it. So many of the people trying to spread awareness are trying to be reassuring by saying shit like "to trans youths, we stand by you, this should not be happening" but that doesn't help, because I'm terrified out my fucking mind that if I start trying to be myself, I might get fucking murdered too. What's worse is all of the horrible things transphobic people are saying, like "she's a boy", and "she deserves it" and "example of what should happen to all those trans freaks" because those are actual things I've read today.

And it's not just her case specifically, it's the constant despair I feel as a trans person where my right to exist are constantly being questioned by the only government I've ever known. I open twitter and see stories of how trans rights are being stripped back all over the western world, how people were abandoned by family after coming out as trans, about how being trans is so incredibly awful with little silver linings of "at least you're yourself". So I open tiktok to distract myself, where I see more people talking about the same things, about how the people in government hate us so fucking much. This whole corecore thing is important to highlight the awful shit but when that's the only thing you're seeing with maybe a few cat videos and stupid family guy or movie scenes while someone plays with slime makes to split them up it really makes you feel nothing but despair.

I just wanna get away from it all. I want people to stop talking about it but that's not exactly what I want? I want it to have never happened. I want to live in a world where these things don't happen. I want to live in a world where I can leave the house without being terrified of being hatecrimed or murdered for being who I am. I didn't come out as a trans guy until this year even though I knew for ages I wanted to be a guy, I didn't come out because if I came out in high school, my "all girls" high school where I was already severely bullied for being autistic and queer, I would be fucking dead right now, either from being murdered like she was or from suicide, which I was so so so fucking close to doing after some girl publicly berated me for asking one of my teachers to not call me my deadname (I was going for a fem NB approach to my transness at the time and thought that Bee was the start of something much more fitting for me) because she was right, no one would ever see me as anything other than some pretty but unpopular girl trying to somehow both escape the torture of womanhood and make myself more intriguing

If I could choose anything else, I would. I would not be trans. I would be a regular teenage girl who likes parties and stupid roadmen and skipping lesson to smoke and vape. But I'm not. And my mum, my own mother, has said "if you would choose not to be this, why don't you? Why don't you just go back to being my girl?" And I want to. But I need to be a boy to live. If I don't transition, I might just die from all the self hatred of what I have to pretend to be. I just can't do it.

Sorry this was long, I just have many many emotions and if I said this anywhere else I might just be on the receiving end of some of the same stupid shit people are saying about Brianna. I hope she finds peace somewhere where there isn't so much hatred.

[blaiddydbrokeit]

Hm okay. A few questions for Allan coming up (I apologise for being seven hours for this one!)

1. How does Allan comfort/soothe himself (and others if you wish!) after a tough scenario?

2. What is his favourite place to be (village/town/city or not! it all counts!)

and 3. this one is a little OC interaction-y, so feel free to ignore this one, but I admit I have been thinking on this for a few weeks on and off: If Easwith were to get Allan something from the bakery (which she inevitably would do. She can't go into a bakery without getting Dimitri something ever. Allan is considered just as close a friend to her and, thus, deserving of a treat for no reason at all!) what would be best for Allan both pre and post timeskip? Something more savoury like a pie or cheese scones? Perhaps shortbread? Or would he prefer something else? I know you've mentioned before he would be overwhelmed by being given something sweet because he wouldn't have had it before, but how would he react pst timeskip when he's more inclined to eat without prompting?

Thank you for the ask! I'm just going through my inbox slowly because I'm trying to put thought into the answers, so feel free to throw in any more curiosities you might have any time.

I'll put all the answers under a read more, since it gets long.

Allan tends to quietly isolate himself after particularly stressful or rough situations, given his very withdrawn nature in the academy phase. He is easily overwhelmed when already in distress, that it's really safest to give him some time and space to process his thoughts before approaching him. Unlike Dimitri, he also has a tendency for strong compensatory action - he tries to make up for any perceived errors or misconduct committed in his distress, often to extremes.

An example of this would be his tendency to secretly train in the middle of the night to make up for avoiding training in class - especially with the need to hide his crests. A second example would be his insistence on trading Dimitri's place on the gallows for the alleged assassination of Rufus - he has learned enough to figure out that Rufus had somehow been involved in Lambert's death, and overcompensates by offering to die in Dimitri's stead. Of course, he does eventually escape himself, but the fact remains that he tends to be overcompensatory.

As for comforting others, he can be very awkward about it due to growing up mostly isolated in Itha (even visiting Fhirdiad was a rarity for him, unfortunately) that he often wouldn't be willing to approach the person for fear of only worsening things. Given that in the Academy Phase, he often tries to avoid creating trouble, it's likely that he would wait for someone to seek him out rather than making the first approach. However, his increased social circle between 1180 and 1185 has helped him develop his supportive skills better. He's really very much a listener, just sitting there and letting someone vent, but he does also offer little snacks of cheese ("Crying makes you hungry.") and his company. His polite quietness makes for a calm atmosphere, so he does become quite a favorite for a few of the Blue Lions who value such environments, such as Mercedes and Dedue.

As for his favorite place, he enjoys the plains of Itha. The weather so far north is often cold, but the plains receive just enough sunlight and wind that it can be quite comfortable for most of the year. He enjoys being outdoors, especially on sunny days since his time as a subject of the crest experiments have made him quite sensitive to going too long without fresh air and sun. In particularly prolonged deprivation, he can become quite moody, zoned out and even quieter than he normally is.

For the subject of snacks, I'd have to split the phases into three parts, I think. The first half of the academy phase, when he is still avoidant of food despite his frail and scrawny build, something that can be discretely slipped into his satchel would be ideal - perhaps a cheaper breadroll with cheese in it. Being directly offered food makes him anxious about finding ways to reject it, even if it's clear that he's hungry and very much tempted to accept. He's also particularly afraid of being a burden on others, if they would go out of their way to offer him food, so it's ideal to simply put it among his belongings as a gift from an unidentifiable sender.

In the second half of Academy phase, when he's opening up to others more and also beginning to develop his gluttonous streak, Allan would definitely be more open to trying new foods. If anything, this would be the perfect time to introduce him to the wonders of cheesecake and cheese tarts. Giving him mildly sweet foods is also an option, even if he's overwhelmed by the flavor at first, since he eventually would grow used to it.

Post-skip Allan is practically always hungry, and the best mileage for snacks would be anything that has heft to it, like various pies and even cheese-baked pastas. Yes, he considers those food items, which are most definitely meals by the standards of most, as snacks. Giving him food directly is easiest, as he's at a point where he will almost never turn down an offer of food. Almost anything from a bakery that includes cheese would make his eyes light up, so it'd really be a matter of budget and availability for Easwith when it comes to "what is the best option for him". Allan at this point is a huge eater who could make Ingrid, Caspar or even Raphael's appetite look average in comparison, so the prospect of cheese and sating his appetite is one of the best things one can offer.

[dayxero]

TL;DR - Because a relationship between two or more people, defined by falsities, isn't what the average person wants.

-Because for most people, the mask they wear, isn't their true self. Its the face they wear, the expressions they show, the impression they put on to hide who they really are underneath and how they really feel. The desire to peel back this layer to reveal what's underneath typically, at least from my experience and from what others have said and said themselves or told me, it comes down to two major reasons.

-1: People who are used to putting up a front because those around them, cannot or choose not to understand them. This situation can make a person feel so utterly and profoundly lonely that it often times draws them into dark or unsettling places within their own minds. Just to be noticed or accepted or to avoid shame or being rejected, the mask remains, but it means that person rarely, if ever, gets to express who they truly are, unabashedly. Sure, anyone with a high sense of self worth or a massive ego would respond to such a notion with something along the lines of "Just be yourself, no matter what happens." But our lives are filled with so many different various different connections, relationships and circumstances that many times, the average person can't afford to be themselves 100% without consequence. The desire to see characters have their masks peeled back to expose who they truly are underneath and be accepted for it, is a primal urge we all seek in one form or another. We want to be loved, seen, valued for both our benefits and our faults. But many times, many people cannot truly express their true selves to even begin to make that connection with someone else and thus, the deep desire to live vicariously through other characters experiencing such a thing is born within those types of people. The desire to tear off their own masks, completely without fear and to be accepted for it, is also what they want from characters they like and can relate to, who are also doing the same thing as them

-2: This is more outwardly in a way and a bit more complicated but ultimately just an inverse of 1. When a person is trying to form a connection with someone they're being open and honest with, be it friendship, partnership, romantic, etc, that person instinctively wants the other to also be willing to share nearly the same level of forwardness, honesty and transparency. Its innate.

-Now of course I need to preface this by saying everyone has a right to withhold aspects of themselves they don't wish to share. If they so choose, maintain as much privacy about yourself as they want. And furthermore, no one is entitled to the same level of trust and affection offered by someone else.

-In spite of that however, attempting to form a bond with someone, one that is genuine and respectful and direct, only to receive lies, falsities and deceit from that other person, isn't exactly a good feeling. People who are trying to connect with others don't enjoy being lied to, pushed away or led down fake paths because they want a real connection, and this also bleeds into what they're reading/watching. When they see a character trying to form a connection with others, create barriers and hide who they really are and their real intentions, all the viewer can see is someone who is a self-prophesied failure in their own desires. A character that truly manifests the concept of genuine victimhood where they desire one thing but actively create the very same problems that causes their own suffering and misfortune, but still crave empathy and sympathy. That level of self-destruction can be very annoying to watch for people who've reached a certain state of self-awareness and maturity for a wide variety of reasons.

-There is a number 3 as well but I think this is too long and too deep as well for a post like this. If could be one for venting, or one seeking a genuine curiosity, don't know. However since the thought was put out into the ether, I responded to it in kind. But anyways, that's at least 2 out of the 3 major reasons I've personally seen as to why people prefer relationships between characters who remove their masks and show who they really are, than characters who base a connection off of falsehoods to hide aspects of themselves from the world and people around them.

personally I do not understand the obsession with revealing whats underneath the mask a character wears all the time. as far as I’m concerned that mask IS their face. do NOT peel them. that’s the same as the beast from beauty and the beast turning into just some guy at the end

[the-duckless-pond]

maybe triggering? At the beginning

Well, I ordered first aid supplies. It’ll be here Monday. So I guess that settles that. I’m really doing this again. What a fucking mess.

But I can’t deny that it is seeming to help. I mean, it’s like my old therapist told me - you wouldn’t do it if it didn’t work. I guess I should probably feel bad about relapsing but I just… feel nothing about it. It feels unsurprising and unremarkable considering the summer I have had and what has happened. It feels like the natural conclusion of such events.

I guess on the bright side now I’ll have some inspiration for when I end up getting back to Happenstance. So at least some good will come out of this. Perhaps I wrote Shepard in the most recent chapter as being too willing to go deep, when I am now recalling that mostly you are just upset and afraid and searching for a solution. Not that I would classify anything I’ve done these past few days as being more than chicken scratches, but still the point stands and that is helpful to my process.

Anyway, here’s the rest of the update. My sweets arrived right on time and were very nice. I had the cannoli right away and really enjoyed it, and just now had the macaron to tide me over until dinner since I guess my mom for some reason wants to include me? No clue why. But so I needed a little something. I have other light snacks if I need something else. All that is left is the cheesecake now, and I kind of want to save that for tomorrow. I’m sure it will still be good tomorrow, right?

Also I guess I should probably be putting my self harm diary entries on my mental illness blog. I don’t care about naming it here. It’s @borderline-reorder and I post much the same diary bullshit.

I guess I’ll do that so I’m not triggering anyone here. I would feel awful if someone saw it and relapsed. It’s just that I don’t have anyone to talk to and I need somewhere to vent, you know?

I guess I’ll reblog this on my mental illness blog and start putting my more triggering stuff there.

I don’t want to see my mom tonight. I was waiting for a package delivery to the old place and I was just going to sneak in and out and grab things and no one would know I was there and I was going to be invisible so that I don’t have to listen to another rant about how much she hates everything but can’t (or won’t imo) do anything to change anything. It was going to be great.

But then she texted me saying that she wants to include me in dinner plans? And is being nice and saying that I don’t have to go with them, they’ll bring something back for me? I don’t get it. And then she kept going and said she could pick me up and we could get sodas and my packages all in one go and it would be great okay see you then. So I guess I was voluntold for this and now I don’t have a choice. Sigh. At least it’ll be fast. I hope it’s fast. I don’t have the energy to stand up to her today.

So yeah. I’m just kind of waiting for that to all happen to me. I did download some new games today that I’m hoping to play tonight. I’m in the living room now but last I was in the office maybe 10 min ago the first one had 20 min left. Crime scene cleaner! It looked funny and relaxing enough. I intend to play that one tonight.

I know I need to get serious about my sleep schedule otherwise I am fucked come my 9am class on Monday, but I am actually having a decent enough evening after hurting myself and thus fixing things this afternoon, and I kind of want to enjoy it. It’s Friday. I might as well. I say that now but I’ll be pissed in the morning when I inevitably sleep through the alarm I’ve been setting to try and get on track. I even looked today to see if any of the classes late in the day were open and none of them were. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll drop it and take it as a summer class. That way I have something to do in the summer to avoid being depressed, less school stress while I adjust to Boo’s health issues, and I can slowly fix my sleep schedule as an ongoing process. That’s probably the smartest way to go about it. Mom is helping with what my loans didn’t cover (about 1k, mostly from this class) so I’ll have to run it by her. I guess I’ll do that tonight and make a decision tonight. Drop or stay drop or stay. I want to drop.

Actually, fuck it. I’m just going to drop it. I can focus more on my major and minor classes that way, mom saves money, and my sleep (which is fucked ever since Boo was diagnosed) can slowly return to normal instead of rush and stress. I’ll take it as a summer class.

[who-is-sunny-d]

This will be my last post, I think. But I just needed to talk about the thing that’s been crushing my soul as of late, because I think I owe it to myself to be perfectly honest. You’ll understand why if you read further.

The thing that’s been the necrosis of my mental health over the last… year or more has been the end of a friendship, how it ended, and why I feel like it was so unfair. Because this was the only friend I had, and I’ve been so isolated and so lonely that it is killing me.

I really ought to have seen the warning signs, but you know how those red flags just look like ordinary flags when you’ve got those rose-colored glasses on. The ghosting people for stupid reasons… the taking all my gifts without so much as a thank-you card in return… and of course her patchy presence in my life, as well as all the promises she never kept, such as drawing a picture for a SICK KID who DIED before she even remembered the promise.

Like, how frigid do you have to be to break a promise to a pediatric cancer patient? That’s fucked.

Of course, she kept promising that she’d never throw me away like LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE, thus reaffirming all those feelings of worthlessness & better-off-deadness… of not being enough, always ruining everything, and no one wants me around.

And what happened with that promise? Well, as is classic with covert narcissists, she found evidence in writing (so to speak) of how she wasn’t perfect and actually HURT someone, and she processed it as propaganda and hate-speech when all it was (just as this is) was a small vent-post about someone’s feelings.

That person was ya girl (me). There was nothing mean or malicious about what I even said, and furthermore, it wasn’t even said *to* her. It was a Tweet to the void just to clear my head on a dead (or so I thought) Twitter/X account, and it simply expressed a sadness regarding how she’d started blowing me off for some rando who bought his way into her heart. How I regretted that my dumb little care package full of handmade goodies (including a mix tape of hand-chosen songs, one of which introduced her to another band featuring one of her favorite musicians) couldn’t compete with that.

What twisted the knife was how he bought her everything she needed to become a tattoo artist, which hurt because we were learning tattooing together until she started blowing me off for him, and then she got not only a whole set-up, but an apprenticeship as well, so like… wow. Fuck me, specifically.

So I admit, I may have been a little bit salty, but Jesus, I didn’t call her any mean names or anything, and she didn’t even SEE the post until waaay after I’d gotten over it (and my feelings), and was just trying to live my life in peace.

And that’s when she decided it would be a good time to suddenly confront me about it and dredge up things I was trying to move past and forget, and then refuse to drop it even after I said I didn’t want to talk about it, that it was behind me and didn’t matter… that it was how I felt in the moment and that the moment had long passed. Etcetera.

But she just. Would. Not. Drop it.

And so I was beginning to feel cornered. My fight-or-flight switched on. It chose flight. So I said something stupid, hoping it would put a pin in things until I could process it. I told her that I felt I’d put a lot more effort into the friendship than I felt I’d gotten in return.

And it was the truth. I kept my promises, she was flakey. I was there whenever she needed me and would put everything on the back burner to do that, but she was usually busy when I needed her. I thought of her all the time and sent little pictures & things that reminded me of her. She could go months, sometimes YEARS without even speaking to me. I sent her actual, physical gifts for her birthday or when she was having a terrible time. She never sent me so much as a letter.

She just… was bad at being a friend, but… I never *really* minded. I only said that, hoping that she’d feel like she needed time to think and evaluate herself so that I could also process the fact that she felt like we needed to talk about it and figure out how, and then we’d make up and talk. After all, we’d never fought once in all of 13 years. How could I know that one super dumb fight would be worth ending the entire friendship we’d built over all those years?

It wasn’t. But being a covert narc, she didn’t see what I said as my feelings, much less actually care about them. She didn’t see the obvious opportunity for personal growth.

What she saw was libel, propaganda, hate-speech, and worst of all, someone who had revealed things about her that reflected who she really was, and for covert narcs, that is the biggest threat. They might talk. They might expose their true self to others, and then the carefully crafted persona falls apart.

So the only option they see (because they genuinely do not care about bettering themselves) is to completely cut that person off. Otherwise they remain a threat, and so to ensure that threat doesn’t infect their friend group, they tell everyone an enhanced version of *their* side of the story to turn any mutual friends against them, that way those friends will also cut off the threat, thus ensuring the protection of the CN’s persona. This has happened to me so many times.

And they don’t stop there. They lurk the threat’s social media to watch the aftermath and bask in the destruction of that person’s self-worth. To see them fall apart and then share *only* the posts that pertain to them, all the things said out of pain, SIMPLY to try to confirm to all the other friends what a “BAD person they are.”

Because god forbid anyone *else* have emotions.

But you know what? I am honest. I NEVER lied about myself or invented a fake version of myself. I only speak the truth, even if that truth was only true in the moment I spoke it. Feelings change. But that doesn’t change the trueness of that one moment when you were hurting and you spoke your mind.

And that’s just the trouble with me. I am honest and I speak my mind. I am always true to myself and don’t feel I should change who I am unless I see a flaw that needs worked out for personal growth, and sorry not sorry, but I don’t see honesty as a flaw. I’m from the south, where the only thing we sugar coat is our iced-tea.

But people are so afraid of the truth, narcs especially. This whole “fake it ‘til you make it” mindset just makes people afraid to be real, and that creates so many more problems than it solves.

I am proud of myself for never betraying who I am, even if people despise me for it. But… it is so very lonely. And now that loneliness has gotten the better of me because…

In spite of others’ obvious flaws and personality disorders… in spite of how they damaged me… I still love them tremendously and miss them terribly.

But they’re gone and they’re not coming back, and I can no longer open myself up and trust enough to form new friendships, because I know they will end the same way as all the others. It happens every time, and I can’t take another blow like the one Courtney dealt me. I can’t even stand the loneliness and isolation anymore. It’s just so much, and I… I’m just so tired of the litany of things lost.

Even if no one remembers me fondly, I hope they will remember me as someone real. Someone who was here and who wrote all of these words, and who wasn’t afraid of honesty like so, so many others. One of the few who wasn’t brainwashed by society into believing I had to stifle myself.

But also as someone who got exhausted of the burden of the loneliness endured because of it.

I’m Sunny D, and I was real. Remember this.