paracosmic-gt

[paracosmic-gt]

Save me a place where it matters most.

[paracosmic-gt]

i miss you my star bound girl

[paracosmic-gt]

HI TEAM!

Tumblr marked my most recent post, Dog Days Diary 1.3: Gianthood and Fatness as NSFW MATURE CONTENT

ITS FUCKING NOT, it’s me celebrating my body and identity and talking about struggles I’ve experienced

If you arnt aware, Tumblr fucking hates trans women, fat people and FUCKING ESPECIALLY FAT TRANS WOMEN.

Tumblr also hates people who gain w3!ght intentionally and talk about that experience, most of my thoughts on this involve big conversations about kink and politics which I won’t go into but, imma say it for the mods in the back

FUCK YOU TUMBLR I LOVE MY FAT TRANS BODY

[paracosmic-gt]

Dog Days Diary 1.3: Gianthood And Fatness

Hi ho hibernators

I wanna talk about something that's been floating in my head for, like, a long while now, but has always been difficult to approach for me, but after a big conversation with a friend last night, I'm gonna talk about it

I think that fatness and gianthood exist as similar states of being

For reference on my experience im a kinda fat lady who has intentionally been gaining weight for like, a couple years now, partially as recovery from a restrictive ED, partly because my body just feels better when its larger. For me, it is not rooted in kink, but I will throw paws with anyone who has issues with people who do engage in intentional weight gain as part of kink, those bitches are my friends

For reference, I identify myself, from a somewhat otherkin lens, as a giant. I should be ten feet tall, I have really bad height dysphoria about it, and it's an important aspect of my identity. I experience some giant experiences, I'm tall for a woman and built out a bit more due to being trans, so among other women specifically, i do stand out in a giantish way.

To me, tropes that fit into gianthood also fit into my kinda new experiences with being fat. And it's difficult to deal with. People feel uncomfortable sharing a space, either providing far too much room or not nearly enough. People don't know how to act, or what is and isn't ok to say. One that got to me recently after looking at a couple of comics accidentally breaking things and people not knowing how to act about it. I’ve had a lot of very giant, very fat experiences of breaking things, which, on its own, is a neutral experience; objects can be replaced, the issue with breaking things due to size, is that people don't know how to act. Personally, I've seen it done two ways, one where the person clearly doesn't want to address what happened, where the awkwardness you experience from breaking something just festers, where you stay feeling shitty and guilty. The other option is people overly clarifying its ok, constantly reminding you of what you did.

I've been experiencing all this a lot, for me, gaining weight has given me this approximation towards gianthood, and it has given me all the downsides along with it. Giant or fat I'm met with so many ways society dislikes my body. Giant or fat, I'm seen as a monster. Giant or fat, people avoid getting close to me

Last night, in classic fashion for the kinds of conversations I had with a friend of mine, I talked to purr about all of this, and was quite upset, upset that my future will be one where I love my body but the world hates it. And purr, started saying some stuff which I'm gonna copy down here and, idk, maybe the one person who feels how I feel about all this will see this and cry who knows 

“When you're a giant it means I can't hug all of you at once, when you're fat I can't hug all of you at once but I try”

Giant or fat my body is pretty

“When you're a fat giant you provide the best deep pressure”

I could be used as a bed, giant or fat

“You're really pretty giant or fat. And you can pick us up.”

Giant or fat you’d swim in our clothes

“Giant or fat your big spoon is the biggest”

Giant or fat I’m allowed to be loved

“Giant or fat you deserve to be loved”

Giant or fat my body is the best stim toy

“Giant or fat I'm going to make enough so you can eat your fill”

Giant or fat I won’t feel bad about it!

“Giant and fat you're amazing friend”

Run fast, bite hard, bark loud Peace, love, and gratitude

-Zith Ipeth

[paracosmic-gt]

today i woke up with an intense grief for where i'm at. where we all are at. i'm sorry if it's a sad topic, but i want to express my feelings somewhere.

the world we're in isn't suited for us, both humans and nonhumans. i strongly believe that in this fast-paced and effectivity-based society obsessed with profit EVERYONE is suffering from zoochosis. someone more, someone less, but at least a mild form of it is present in everyone. we non-humans are forced to play the role that the humans themselves can't play because globally, humanity has stopped treating itself like animals. humans ARE animals. they CAN NOT function in this world healthily and happily. we all can't.

there's hardly any community, hardly any help. human settlements used to thrive specifically because of mutual aid, empathy and interconnectedness with the environment. returning to the topic of na'vi, the "alien" way of life on Pandora isn't alien at all, people were just forced to forget what it's like to live like this.

i grieve the world we used to have. even more than that, i grieve the world we could've had. profit isn't the point, efficiency isn't a marker of intelligence. we need something else in the world of tomorrow, but we're barely able to survive today

[paracosmic-gt]

For us it's like "don't press the button #trauma from years ago"

every day is a struggle

[paracosmic-gt]

“Another angle to consider is symbolic, rather than identity based. One's culture puts certain traits onto the visual symbol that is a songbird or a male peacock or a mother bear, but it might not be anything to do at all with gender. It just is this idea that is symbolized by the visual label that we recognize as something that is of a particular gender.

There might be a particular sort of caring that we use lionesses as the label for, but that otherwise has nothing to do with femininity.

It could be that sort of caring you identify as, without a gender in any direction at all as part of that identity.”

Maybe it’s not about being female. Maybe it’s about something more.

Image ID:

Image One: A digital drawing of a bird known as a brown creeper. It’s plumage is coloured in shades of brown, grey, and white. It sits on a tree trunk which is not coloured in, giving it a feeling of contrast. Text beside the bird reads “I bear my coat of bark / To go unseen”

Image Two: A digital drawing of a lioness. It stands in profile, fur a golden tan with subtle dark spots along the spine. Text above the lion reads “I do not hunt because I am a lady. I hunt because I am a lion.”

[paracosmic-gt]

Is it a headmate? Is it a fragment? Is it a facet? Is it a persona? Am I subconsciously masking? Am I subconsciously/involuntarily otherlinking/copinglinking? Is it a kinshift? Is it a ’flicker? Is it age regression? Is it a mood? Is it impulsivity? Is it an intrusive thought that I’m reacting to? Is it genderfluidity? Is it pronoun/namefluidity?

Who knows! Who cares! I don’t need to stress about this, it doesn’t matter! It’s a mode that the “I” is in, the way I feel in that moment! And I will make a pluralkit/tupperbox/simplyplural for it so I can express myself and decide the rest later! Or never! These labels are a construct! Personhood itself is a construct! I don’t need to box myselves! I can just live!

[paracosmic-gt]

🎵 Bird Girl Song

Im working on new music- I promise... xD Recently I decided to make something more calm, about birds and love and touch starved feeling.... just your regular bird stuff obviously!

Because everyone needs another who can pet them and put snacks in their little bowl...🧡

Well without further ado, I hope you enjoyed it :> (I don’t know when Im gonna release it yet)

[paracosmic-gt]

This was originally going to be a more structured post, but my plan was stifling my motivation to write so I fear I’ll have to improvise. /silly

I have been growing less and less attached to how I used to describe my identity. More specifically, it no longer feels right to call myself “Falco tinnunculus, an Eurasian Kestrel”, or “Negaprion acutidens, a Sicklefin Lemon Shark” etc. This isn’t to say that I no longer feel like a kestrel, or a shark, or any other identity I still have listed in my intro. I just don’t feel as though going into that level of detail, down to the binomial, reflects me very well.

I have stated before that I do not consider myself biologically nonhuman, only physically, because what is fact about my body to me is not evidenced through scientific means. I think this extends to my nonhumanity as a whole — I am what I am, but there will be those who disagree, and they can justify themselves using scientific definitions. (For example, I am not a bird through in accordance to the biological species concept, because I cannot mate with theriform birds to produce fertile offspring. For various reasons.)

No, my experience of being me stems from other things. I am me for my morphology. I am me for my behaviour. I am me because of my feelings and my self-perception. I am me for many reasons unrelated to how species are typically defined.

This is where my species anarchism comes in (thank you, @aldmeric, for introducing this term to me). Although the idea of a “species” has its uses in many fields of study, it is still a flawed concept, and there are many organisms that do not perfectly align with how species are determined. I don’t believe taxonomy should be strictly applied to identity. How can the wonderful, amorphous mess of feelings and beliefs be categorised through such rigidity? Personally, it doesn’t not feel authentic to tie precise species to my experiences.

I still find some merit in citing certain species as a general idea of what it means to be me — there are behaviours and ranges that I feel most aligned to, and these narrow down the kinds of organisms I share traits with. I like being able to convey this. But reframing my nonhumanity as something that can be broader than a specific population/s of theriform animals that can reproduce with one another has allowed me to feel more true to myself. I enjoy being able to call myself a raptor or a tubenose, crocodile or shark while not limiting myself with something that doesn’t exactly apply anyways.

[paracosmic-gt]

I’ve talked about this on my previous blog in the past, but with the recent discussions surrounding physical nonhumanity, it feels like a good time to resurrect the post.

As suitable as “biological nonhuman” is at conveying my physical nonhumanity, it isn’t a label I could ever picture myself using.

Don’t get me wrong: I have nonhuman genes. What I am made of, my composition, my flesh, is nonhuman. My body is nonhuman even without being my body, despite its appearance.

But that’s the thing — it is perceived as human-like. Elements of it mimic humanity enough that my nonhumanity isn’t something recognisable through scientific methods. Through biological methods. Therefore, my nonhumanity is not biological.

I’m not quite sure what my physicality should be called otherwise, though. I recall someone suggesting the descriptor “ontological” in the original post, which may be more representative of this experience? Although, it’s a little too vague for my liking. I am unsure.

[paracosmic-gt]

Aphantasia makes it really hard to remember visual details from my life as Dust. I don't remember, precisely, what my husband looked like (I could tell you, in great detail, what he looked like nonetheless, because I am a fictional character and so is he, from a source not my own making, but I cannot see it, cannot imagine it, and some of it is, truth be told, guesswork). There's no constant visual guide for what our ranch looked like, the patterns on our bedsheets, the exact placements of my best friend's body-markings. I can't remember what my steed looked like or how he looked when he galloped, couldn't tell you what a herd looked like from a distance, or up close.

But my hands have memory my eyes do not.

I don't remember, in detail, what my husband looked like. But I know exactly how it felt to run my hands through his short, soft hair - stroke my thumb across his cheek - the hard planes of his teeth, under my fingertips. I remember the sensation of fresh bedsheets in a bedroom with windows trapping the cold of night in glass panes, a cool defence against the blistering, rising sun. I remember the way that darkness felt, waking next to him.

I remember what it felt like, distinctly, to walk with hooves on tiled bathroom floors, slipping on porcelain on the bathtub, his skin slick with water. I remember the coarse wood of the kitchen table, before we replaced it. I remember the scent of changing seasons. Crisp. Full. Sweltering.

I remember the feel of my best friend's hair, too. Long, and thin, and fine. The callouses that grew on her hands that I didn't notice before they started itching, in a good way, when she held mine.

I remember my steed, his thick skin unmoving, his flank rising and falling beneath my palm, the dust and grime gathering in the creases and crevices of my skin. I don't remember, truly, what he looked like.

I remember what it felt like, to look at him. To have him look at me. I remember his powerful muscles rippling beneath me as we rode, the sensation of his mane, like seaweed, gathering around my hands - I remember the feel of wearing an ill-fitting hat, and a well-fitting hat, shifting with each bounce of his steps.

I remember the sound of a herd. The sensation of it. The welcome chaos, the way they would listen.

I remember love.

Most of the time, that is enough.

[paracosmic-gt]

Hey, I've asked you things before.

Would you have any advice for someone in a state of final fusion who's engaging in parts work? It's already natural for me to think in parts because of my history, but it's also been destabilising me, as in my normal life I don't see the parts, I just see me. This is making me see the divisions, and thus I start feeling more internal stresses and fear and brain is getting all vigilant about it.

I'm not sure how to go ahead, because uncovering things feels right, and doing the work feels right, but brain picking up on the divisions doesn't feel good.

- J

Aye! Super late response cause Life TM, but I think I'd need to know what exactly about "the divisions" is distressing you / causing stress / causing fear within you and what exactly "the divisions" are.

If you mean the inconsistencies / conflicting views and values / cognitive dissonance that comes from holding differing parts together at the same time, then I think - for as stressful as that might feel - it might be worth sitting on the topics that have conflict and talking within yourselves and to your parts when you have some time to dedicate to it and to really iron out what things are important to each individual part, for what reasons are those important, and to see how both opposing views can both be true, both be right, and both co-exist. I'm strongly of the opinion that there are no real opposites in life and things that seem to conflict are only superficially* conflicting.

I've found a lot of comfort and peace knowing that all versions of me, all parts of me, no matter how different they are at a point in time, are very true, very real, and all correct in a certain time, space, and situation, because they are made for that. It requires me to be okay in not defining myself as a single set of words or as a simple static concept and it means getting used to having a fluid and ever changing sense of self and creating a stable sense of self on top of that, but like... its really freeing imo and I have zero real complaints over it.

Anyways, I'm kind of shooting in the dark so please feel free to send me more information and I can probably give more accurate / specific thoughts on the matter.

*Superficially Conflicting = Only appearing to conflict on a face value, often when you dig into what views and values underlie the essence of what is important on the topic and take into account the context that they show up, its often possible to be two things at once.

[paracosmic-gt]

Heyyy @ multi gender people. I want you to know that being a woman doesn’t make you any less of a man, and being a man doesn’t make you any less of a woman. I know that the gender binary can be stifling and inescapable, even amongst the queer community, but I need you to understand than anyone who says that you aren’t who you say you are is full of complete shit, whether they’re queer or not. You are You. Also i love you.

[paracosmic-gt]

actually, i want to talk about nonhuman gender, and being partiallyhuman with a nonhuman gender.

every once in a while, someone in the community talks about how much they hate being nonhuman, or otherkin, or whathaveyou. it's undeniable to them that they are nonhuman, but either they dont like their type, they hate being nonhuman in general, and/or just want to live their human life unmarred by nonhuman feelings.

but i've never seen anyone (within the alterhuman nor queer communities) truly talk about how much they hate what their their gender is. and i dont mean like, internalized transphobia; i mean, has done the work, figured out their gender, knows it and can describe it, and still at the end of the day hates it--hates that their gender is that specific gender, hates the expected presentation of that gender, hates that the gender feels correct.

i do, and im going to talk about it.

i was raised a human girl. i've always hated being seen and treated as a girl. i've always been a tomboy, drawn to boyish likes and habits, and as long as i can remember i've stated "i'm not a girl." my favorite color is blue, i like cargo pants and t-shirts and short hair, but have always been emotionally bullied into long hair, skirts, and feminine cut shirts.

but no matter how many times i've stated "i wish i'd been born a boy", there's still a part of me that is feminine--not in the frilly, high voice, dresses in all pink way that humans have assigned femininity. i'm deisgender--i'm a goddess, and that is very much tied to being river deity. i wouldnt be myself, nor my gender without my nurturing instincts and nature, nor the duality of calm fluidity versus explosive destruction.

femininity is at my core and yet i hate admitting it, even to myself. mentioning it feels wrong, painful even. in this human world, femininity doesnt fit my human identity; instead, it is tied to my deityhood, which is only a part of my current identity. my human gender presentation and identity is butch. it is as much a compromise as it is an identity i am actually comfortable in; it is the masculine i wish i had been born into, yet acknowledges the femininity of the nonhuman part of me that makes up part of my identity.

being on testosterone was a great time for my gender dysphoria, but considering that my nonhuman identity is a reptile, nothing short of animalizing HRT could ever give me the body that i truly would feel comfortable in, so passing as a butch woman gets as close to the body map as i can as a mammal. and it sucks. i feel like i have two genders, and honestly i could probably use the term bigenderfluid as the pain of calling myself female/feminine/woman can be dull or sharp depending on the day, but it's never zero.

it's not helped by the fact that all my alterhuman 'types except one are/were female--goddess, indoraptor, maned lioness, rapunzel, sypha, survivor/managarmr... all female. all identify as, with, or as previously. i think about them, and acknowledge them as me, but with that pang of loathing that the identity is female--that i am feminine. not that THEY are female, but that i, with that remnant, am again reminded of being female.

truly the one time that i feel comfortable being seen as feminine is when women/feminine individuals are able to take comfort in my femininity. it hits the nurturing/protective instinct square in the feels, but even then i lament living in a world where one feels safest with someone who doesnt even like being their gender.

it sucks. i hope there's no one else out there that feels like this. but if there is, know you're not alone.

[paracosmic-gt]

My friend's writing now, her teacher made her do it. Don't tell her I'm reblogging she'd be mad. ;)

Tape 0 - Side A - Track - 1

I don't believe in wishes.

We barrel down the highway, I think my friends have forgotten that I’m sitting in the truck bed with the luggage

I don't believe in magic.

The truck rattles underneath me, I can feel the sag on the suspension, the pressure on the frame, the wind in my hair

Nothing will get better unless I make it so.

I take the headband off my wrist and pull my hair back, lifting my legs into the truck and pulling them towards me.  I make my body as small as I can, slowly drawing air into my lungs. I let the sound of the world flood into me, the creaking of the truck bed, the engines' roar, and the crashing wind all become one unanimous howl. I hold onto the side of the truck, tightening my body further still, letting the screaming world become me. 

As I exhale, the sound that once filled me spills out into the world I took it from. I let go of the sides of the truck bed, flexing my hands in a practiced motion before checking to see if I banged up the truck at all.  It's awfully hard to tell the old dents from anything I may have caused. 

I doubt Grace will care anyway, the truck's a piece of shit, and she knows it.

I’ve been dealing with panic attacks on and off for the past seven years. Turns out my psychiatrists couldn't figure out how to safely dose my medication, so instead they favor natural medicines and emotional regulation practices. They told me that

“The best thing you can do is avoid stressful situations entirely.”

But what do they know? I would argue the best thing for me is to stop listening to a bunch of quacks in coats who don't know what's wrong with me.

[paracosmic-gt]

We have exceeded our goal, thank you so much to everyone who contributed. Our commissions remain open but the "fundraiser" portion is complete.

Thank you so so so much, this was all for me and like now I can get stuff?? Expensive stuff?? Legends - Rio

Packer Fundraising Commissions!

Help us get gender affirming gear, and get yourself some art.

---

Goal progress:

GOALS MET!

----

Headshot with shading - 5USD

Half body with shading - 10USD

Full body with simple background and shading - 15USD

Pay via PayPal.

Will do:

Furry/Fursona

Self portraits for systems, otherkin, nonhumans (provided you have a reference or existing art I can base it on)

Anthro/feral

Mythical beings

Ken doll nudity

We feel most confident with felines, avian, and draconic - however I will do like anything pretty much.

Won't do:

Humans (I'm burnt out from human anatomy please save me)

NSFW

Examples: