#I needed this today I woke up with anxiety so bad I feel physically ill for NO REASON

[rianafying]

i’m starving and i’m hungover and i’m in trouble. my sd card got corrupted and i might lose all the work i’ve done in january, which is a LOT of work. i just need to talk to my friends. the timing is bad because they’re either at work or asleep rn. i’m about to throw up.

it’s fine i reached them, after they woke up. spoke to friends, i feel better emotionally. but worse physically because it’s been so long since i’ve had some food. any food. there’s so much shit i need to buy but no money to buy them. i’m scared that one of these days i’ll have to resort to ebegging. i don’t want to do that. because im not even doing that bad but i feel terrible. and im prone to heavily catastrophizing every situation im faced with. somehow i have linked this sd card failure to the downfall of my career that i have worked so hard to build. if you dont have catastrophizing anxiety, you dont know what it feels like to imagine every single worst possible outcome and believe it to be true. but somehow throughout my life, it has been. what i feared kept coming true. but fearing it and being paralysed by it, didn’t help my case. apparently it’s in my brain chemistry to do this and also to have chronic pain. apparently there’s something wrong in my hypothalamus, pituitary gland, amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. they’re are all fucked up and feel wayyy more pain than is ever necessitated. i feel like im spiralling out of control at a faster rate than i can reel it back in. for most of my life ive been getting wounded more than i could heal. and now im limping my way through life, and hating almost every second of it despite trying so hard not to.

i had a full breakdown today, worse than other breakdowns. i feel super defeated. people are being nice to me. somehow that is making me feel even worse. things keep going wrong. there is no escaping tragedy.

day 3 of this same journal entry. i’m officially out of money. even my coins. i have a little bit of usd in my absolute emergency fund, but i really don’t want to have to touch that. i have a week to go before i get paid a bit of money. which will still not be enough because i had to use afterpay to buy some necessary stuff at kmart, and now i have to pay it back. things rlly are tough out here. thinking i should not fix my laptop and instead spend that money like normal. like use it to get by nicely for a while. then what? at what point will i be able to get a real regular job? i found out for sure this month that i can’t make it to work on 25% of days due to my illness. so what work could i do. rlly upset about losing the images on my sd card. i haven’t permanently lost them yet, but, it’s far too expensive to recover. i was considering recovering the data when im in bangladesh but i dont think id trust the data recovery service in dhaka anyway. they’ll probably fail at the task and also ruin my card. things are so wrong rn. my microwave, my pan, my passport, my myki, my financial situation, the burnt skin on my face, my psoriasis and arthritis, my hair situation, my multiple severe nutritional deficiencies and chronic pain, my various mental illnesses, my awful dirty room, my inability to work on any, let alone every, one of these problems. i just get paralysed and bed rot for days. this is officially too much for me. it’s too many things to deal with. i’m not built for even half of this. how can i give up without like kms, like what’s another way to give up? because bed rotting isn’t cutting it. i could really use some help. when i asked for help, my uncle said to visit my friend in sydney, or to visit bangladesh, neither of which is going to actually help my situation, because ill be miserable regardless of where i am, until my problems have been resolved. and both of these things are expensive as fuck, like, what’s a girl supposed to do. i don’t wanna go on a $200 trip to sydney when my sd card requires a $400 data recovery. that’s just the tip of the iceberg that is my situation.

no amount of talking to people, or going on trips is going to solve my problems. which is painful for me to say because i’ve been dying to do something fun for once. not that i don’t have fun in melbourne i do, but that’s cause i try to enjoy work, and romanticise the life i already have. and because im not yet a local local, i can still experience melbourne like a tourist. with fresh eyes. anyway, yeah, im deleting bumble because its stupid, let’s be real im never gonna go on a date w a strangers plus i dont even respond to people because im obviously not ready to actually give this a chance. not yet at least. costar says i let my need for stability stunt relationship growth. but i’m okay with that, or at least i would be if i had any stability. right now i feel like i have the short end of every stick. no it feels like i have no stick at all. the universe or god or whatever is out there is giving me a huge middle finger and laughing at my suffering.

they say that i’m overthinking or that even if there is a problem there’s a solution. what’s the solution to not having enough money to solve my problems? by the time i might have money, these problems will have caused critical damage. what’s the solution to the weight i carry around from never feeling safe or loved my whole entire life. what’s the solution to the mother shaped void in my heart. what’s the solution to the fear of losing my sibling and friends. i cope, and i deal, but it never really goes away. even now as i’ve hit my weekly rock bottom, i’m trying to list things to be grateful for, to see the glass as half full. but i can’t lie, the glass is not half full. i’ve been running on a nearly empty tank for as long as i can remember. even if i somehow manage to get my tank full, there’s like holes in it that can never be permanently patched. i destroy everything i touch, i let down everyone i know, and i keep getting chances. i don’t need another chance. i need a break. i don’t want to prove myself, unless it is to prove that i fail.

i’m told that the broader focus of my life during this time is to clear away built-up structures that have been holding me back. excess is not always abundance. i’m supposed to decide what's worth keeping and what to pass up. apparently my sense of well-being relies on my willingness to seize new opportunities, which is a commendable move for someone who will only settle for all or nothing. “use this moment to streamline your aesthetic by getting rid of excess that no longer gives you pleasure.” this could not be more on the nose. fine i’ll pack some stuff up and head drop it in a donation bin. it will clear up some space in my room too. this might be good. give me some literal and also mental space to work with. also on the nose is “make sure you're not doing that thing where you over-intellectualize your experience, and then convince yourself that you know all the laws of the universe.” okay i get it. thank you for spelling it out for me. maybe now i will finally listen. i’m certainly being spied on. most of life is out of my control but i choose joy.

i couldn’t attend the invasion day protest today because i was on the phone talking a loved one out of killing herself. i shouldn’t feel guilty, it’s not like i had a choice in that scenario. i’m told that in most scenarios, there is no such thing as “fault”. if my goal was to shift blame, i could use all the words in the world to make myself innocent, but that’s not what i want, that’s not what i’m familiar with.

i think that maybe i would like to have a fresh start. i dont know what a fresh start would even look like. to go back in time a couple of years? how many years? at what point was it fresh? go back to when i was born? be born to different people? be a different person? a fresh start to me would be one in which so much is different from how my life is right now, that i don’t know how it would even be mine. this is who i am, all the terrible things that make up, well, me. and a fresh start wouldn’t be me, or it wouldn’t be fresh. i’m stale and im crusty, to the core of my being.

maybe i just need to go on a walk.

[red-like-ruby-rose]

We woke up with so much anxiety today that we felt physically sick. That's been happening a lot, lately; feeling physically ill from having just massive amounts of panic and anxiety that we can't manage, cope or deal with away.

We think we're headed into a psychotic episode, but hopefully we're wrong. We really don't want to deal with another one of those. The last time it happened is what built the foundation for Society Grimm itself. There's no telling what another one will bring.

There's a lot of intersecting issues that tie in with the overarching anxiety feelings, as well. When things like this happen, it draws in every concern, problem, issue, etc. that we have and highlights them all at once.

Deep down, I think that one of the main roots of our problems is that we're just really lonely. There's plenty of other issues we have, but the loneliness is really the only one we could potentially affect at this point. We can't stop being disabled or mentally ill, we can't make society support and respect disabled people, we can't pull money or a fully furnished, functional and paid for house out of our ass, but we could, maybe, find people to love and be loved in return. So that's what we're focusing on.

It just sucks that, even if that is the only thing we can affect, we're still not good at it. We're still going to struggle, and do struggle, a lot with that. And it's very discouraging. It hurts and it sucks. We wish we were better at making connections with people, but we're not.

We're also kind of bitter that it feels like people seeking out connection with romantic intent is frowned upon. Or at least that's how we perceive things to be in our little chunk of the internet. Like, don't get me wrong. I love to have friends, and I wouldn't reject someone if all they wanted was friendship! But it seems like as soon as you make it known that you're generally looking for romantic things, people judge you and think you're... I don't know... Weird? Bad? I'm not sure how to describe it.

There's nothing inherently more important about any type of relationship, platonic or otherwise, but people are allowed to want different types, too, is what I'm saying. It's not wrong to want romantic things, just as much as it's not wrong to want platonic things.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, I guess I just needed to get it out. There's a lot swimming around in our brain right now and it needed somewhere to go, so here it is.

[mysmegrace]

can i please request rfa with mc who has constant stomach , head and back pain thanks to stress / anxiety please ?

of course~ i'm kinda going through something similar ha... classes are scheduled to start again soon and my anxiety always spikes worse than it does regularly.

RFA with an MC who has Constant Stomach, Head, and Back Pain Due to Anxiety/Stress

---

yoosung kim:

your entire day had been a nightmare.

from participating in classes and working a part time job, you were worn out.

honestly, you felt quite sick.

you hadn’t noticed how much your body was aching until you had finally arrived home.

aiming for your bed, you wasted no time in unpacking before landing straight into your pillows.

the stress and anxiety the day gave you has now left you barely awake, small groans of pain leaving your mouth.

some higher power had given you the gift of sleep for no more than an hour before you were awoken by a phone call.

of course saeyoung would mess with you after he’d seen you on the cctvs walking home exhausted.

yet to your shock, it was yoosung.

you could’ve sworn he told you earlier that he had to study this hour.

quickly composing yourself the best you could, you answered to be greeted with a whined hi.

“hi yoosung” you responded, thinking you had masked your tired state well enough.

but you had always been a poor actor after all.

he paused, before asking “are you okay?”

in this state, you couldn’t be bothered to lie to him, getting into some kind of debate over your wellbeing.

“i’m just... exhausted. my entire body is aching” you admitted.

hearing a small sigh through the other end of the phone, you were about say your goodbyes for the night before he responded, “how come princess”.

his tone matched your upset one, yet with a hint of sympathy added on.

you sighed, responding “i’ve had an exhausting day, it’s taken a tole on me”.

he had to stop, thinking of the best ways to comfort you.

after a few seconds of no response, you continued “sorry yoosung, but i just want to rest right now”.

quickly, he snapped out of his thought process, not realizing the silence he had been giving you.

“that’s alright, please sleep well” he said, before hearing the sound of you hanging up the phone.

once you had come to your senses the following day, you noticed something was off.

french toast wasn’t something that spread in the air often in your apartment.

yet your suspicions were cut short as yoosung came around the corner, noticing your awakened state.

shocked, you began to sit up before being pushed back down, completely caught off guard.

“no work for you today lady, you just rest” he said, before running back out to the kitchen, bringing back a plate of french toast seconds later.

you couldn’t help but smile, yet a question popped up in your mind.

“wait, how am i going to eat this if i can’t sit up” you asked.

“easy, i’ll feed you”, problem solved.

hyun ryu / zen:

boarding the bus with zen, the first thing that caught your attention was the sheer compacity inside.

you two were only planning to take the bus 10 minutes to a new cafe that opened in town.

it was the perfect day to do so.

you and zen had off work, the weather was great, and it wasn’t predicted to be busy.

taking hold of the first railing you could find, keeping zen’s hand in your grip, you couldn’t help but to start getting overwhelmed.

there were so many people looking at you as you got on, and now you were stuck between a bunch of strangers looking you up and down with nothing else to do.

you felt your stomach start to turn, you knew this feeling well.

if you didn’t get off soon, you’d be sick and start crying with everything going on.

8 minutes in, you couldn’t take it anymore.

you had tried to get through by zoning out and thinking about other things, yet nothing was in your favour.

you were terrified, and now physically ill.

mentally preparing yourself, you pulled the string, your hand cutting between two heads of people you’d never seen before.

who knows if they were judging you?

that thought didn’t help a thing.

the bus came to a stop within the next few seconds, and you pulled zen’s hand tightly, practically pulling him off the bus.

“babe, we get off up there” he said, pointing north as the bus had taken off again.

you couldn’t handle a conversation with him right now, you needed to find a washroom.

taking notice of a camp-like washroom set up alongside the park a few steps away, you rushed off.

zen chased you in shock, attempting to grab a hold of your arm, to which you flicked him off of several times before reaching the area.

now he was stuck, not being able to go farther once you dashed into the ladies room.

he stood in a ball of confusion and worry.

you hadn’t acted like this before.

while inside the washroom, you locked yourself in the stall to the back, attempting to collect yourself.

once you came to the realization that your strategy wasn’t working, you just let it all out.

you felt like shit.

god, you had ruined the entire day with zen, embarrassed the two of you, and now you had made yourself physically sick.

you stayed in there for 15 minutes, simply balling your eyes out before deciding to go out and talk to him.

seeing you emerge from the washroom door, he took the best approach he imagined, pulling you into a tight hug as his eyes came across your redden face.

“i’m sorry” you muttered out, your face pressed against his chest.

quickly, he responds “it’s okay jagi, please tell me why you’re so upset”, comforting you with the tone of his voice, making you ease up a touch.

“i, there were so many people on the bus. i got sick, i was so anxious” you let out.

you knew how accepting your boyfriend was, which was why you weren’t shocked by the comforting words he spoke next.

“shhh, i get it, don’t cry”, pulling back a bit to clear the hair from your face.

he continued, saying “do you need anything? some medicine, drink?”

you shook your head, saying “no, i just need to calm myself down for a bit”.

“of course” he said, holding you until you said you were okay again not too long after.

jaehee kang:

“ugh” you let out, walking past jaehee with a throbbing pain in your head.

the cafe was making you unbelievably stressed, it was nothing like you’d ever experienced.

stress was a major downside to your cafes growing popularity, though you didn’t expect it.

little to your knowledge, jaehee heard ur groan, getting away from the counter for a spilt second.

“hm?” she said, before continuing “are you okay mc?”

“i just...” you paused, thinking of your next words.

you didn’t want to lie to her, but you didn’t want to make her worried on top of the already stressful situation.

“my head just hurts” you said, hoping to pass it off as a simple headache.

“are you alright? when did it start?” she asked, concern lacing her tone.

these pains were nothing new to you, but they got worse each and every time.

you had no energy to lie at this point, you were already done in by the day.

“the stress is getting to me, my head always aches when these things happen” you answered.

you could see her facial expression pause, as if she was deep in thought.

yet the expression changed within the minute as she responded “please go home, take the day off”.

you were blown away.

of course you didn’t want to leave jaehee alone, but you knew you couldn’t carry on like this for long.

you quickly argued “i can’t do that, you’ll be left with the stress alone”.

she gave a small smile, glancing at the clock, before responding “thank you for worrying, but i’ll be alright. there’s only an hour before closing and i can tell how bad this is effecting you”.

hence why with hesitation, you took her up on the offer.

you gathered your stuff up to leave, and went on autopilot, waking up the next day covered in warm blankets.

you couldn’t remember a thing after leaving, but you could feel how calm your body became with a bit of stress relief.

and you made sure to give jaehee your biggest thanks the next day.

jumin han:

you had started your new business over the summer.

and being the wife of c&r’s chariman-to-be, naturally people were intrigued.

many were incredibly supportive, although the occasional rumours surfaced from time to time.

crazy ideas you wouldn’t have been able to think of yourself.

suddenly you were the daughter of a president aboard, you and jumin weren’t actually married, and you only used jumin to fund and grow your business.

all completely foolish, never lasting more than a week.

however, this time around was different.

you had woken up to articles suggesting you were having an affair on your husband with your father in law, and that you had been using company profit for your own benefit.

how they came to these conclusions was beyond you, but you let it slide for now thinking it would only last a few days.

certainly nobody would believe this, there was no evidence brought forward and nothing you did had ever hinted towards these claims.

but that wasn’t the case this time.

one week went by and nothing changed.

two weeks went by and you noticed that the rumours had only increased and more was being added to the story.

now three weeks had passed, and things were only getting worse.

you had started getting emails about the rumours and sponsors had started pulling out to stay safe.

not only was it getting to you in a business sense, but your body had become ridden with stress and anxiety.

you woke up everyday in an upset mood, the first thing you noticed after coming to your senses was the back throughout your entire body.

though today it was focused in your abdomen.

this morning was no different from the previous few.

except jumin had stayed home from work for elizabeth the thirds yearly checkup.

he was the overreactive father to his cat daughter.

when he returned home with the news of elizabeths pristine health, he was met with your sleeping figure.

it was something out of the ordinary as you were usually awake at 6am.

yet it was 10am and he was standing beside your sleeping state.

remembering you had work, he shook you with ease to wake you up.

watching as you slowly opened your eyes, and within a snap you jumped up from the position you were lying in.

“what time is it?” you asked your husband frantically.

his eyes widen, slowly answered “it’s 10am, are you alright love?”

you wanted to cry.

you had woken up earlier at your usual time to an upset stomach, took some medication to ease your nerves, and laid down on your phone for a bit.

falling asleep wasn’t the plan.

“i didn’t mean to fall asleep, i need to-” you said, finding yourself in sobs midway through.

you couldn’t continue.

the tears fell uncontrollably, all the stress and worries coming out.

and jumin was at a loss for words.

yet he went to embrace you, calming you down through little words of endearment.

when you were finally calm enough to communicate, he asked “what’s going on?”

you let it all out, though you wanted to hide it from him earlier, you were desperate for things to subside at this point.

“there are all these rumours that have been going around for weeks, stuff about me getting with your father, using profit for myself, and using your entire family for exposure.”

you inhaled, being continuing “i thought they would end, but they keep going on and now it’s effecting my business. i just want it to stop”.

you stopped yourself from breaking down again, quickly composing yourself.

jumin paused, unsure of what to say.

hearing your sobs shattered his heart.

there were so many questions he needed answered, where would he even begin.

thinking for a bit, he asked “why didn’t you tell me earlier? it pains me to see you in tears”.

looking up to meet his eyes, you answered “i didn’t want you to worry”.

you knew it wasn’t an excuse he’d take seriously, but you were honest.

“your wellbeing comes before me, do not worry about my state”.

he had told you that since the day you became a couple.

adding onto that, he said “you’re staying home today. get some rest and i’ll take care of everything”.

you couldn’t argue, and part of you felt relieved getting it off your shoulders.

doing as he asked, you fell asleep again, napping like a baby.

you woke up again sometime around noon, immediately looking through your phone.

a new article caught your eye.

“Chairman Han denies all rumours involving MC and the upcoming business” it read.

you knew it wasn’t over yet, but you found comfort in the fact that it was finally thrown out of the water.

and within the next few days, you noticed your mood return to normalcy along with your body.

the stomach aches, headaches, and back pain disappeared.

you had learned your lesson, and didn’t hide your worries from then on.

saeyoung choi:

you dragged saeyoung out of the house for the night.

being the hard task that it was, you were understandably tired.

but you wouldn’t let that stop the night in front of you from being a success.

you had planned a special date to the movies in celebration of your birthday.

it was a movie you had wanted to see since it came out a year prior.

you were expecting to leave in a scared state of mind due to the movies horror nature.

what you weren’t expecting was the compacity of the movie theatre.

you wouldn’t be quick to admit it, but the sheer look of things frightened you.

it shouldn’t have been that hard to sit down and stare at a screen.

but all your attention was taken off of the movie, now directed at the people around you.

were they looking at you funny?

did you have something on your face?

were they judging you?

these questions wouldn’t leave your mind.

though you made multiple internal attempts to stop it, they just kept coming.

eventually it got too much, the nerves overwhelmed you, and you felt your stomach become physically ill.

you were gonna be sick, you thought.

turning to whisper to saeyoung, excusing yourself from the movie, you left to the washroom.

there were people in the ladies room as well, but they eventually left one by one.

you hung your head over the toilet seat, just waiting for your body to give in.

it was probably best to hide out in the stall for the remainder of the movie, you figured.

and that you tried to do, until saeyoung became suspicious and started looking for you 20 minutes later.

after searching the halls, the only reasonable conclusion left was that you were in the washroom.

he became worried that you were ill and needed help.

hence why he stood outside the door, yelling your name inside.

it caught you off guard, you weren’t ready to face him yet and have an excuse prepared.

though you didn’t have long to stay in your thoughts for long once he yelled your name out again.

leaving your safe area for the foreseeable future, you hesitantly went outside.

the red lining your eyes and your skin beginning to pale was the first thing that came to his attention as you met him outside.

“are you alright?” he asked, his voice full of fright.

“my stomach hurts” you answered, while not technically lying.

you didn’t want to come across as ruining the night by your own fear.

“i’m sorry” you let out, the guilt getting to you.

he hugged you, saying “don’t apologize, please, we’ll go home”.

he didn‘t know exactly why you became sick, but he knew better than to keep you in public while being so sick.

once you arrived home, he asked “did you catch something?” caressing your leg as you sat beside him in the parked car.

“umm” you thought for a second, “i think so”.

he looked you dead in the eye, a full minute passing by, before responding “you’re not a very good liar”.

you looked at him in confusion, trying to pass your lie off as reality.

“please, tell me the truth” he pleaded.

now you were hurting him, you thought.

your lies were too see-through to continue with this, hence why you fessed up.

“my anxiety got the best of me, there were too many people there, it made me sick” you confessed.

you felt the comfort of a hand on your shoulder within a second, feeling shitty for ending your date early.

“i understand” he said, continuing “we can have an even better night at home instead”.

you smiled, glad to see him okay with the current situation.

“of course, thank you” you said.

the rest of the night was full of sweets and cuddles, watching a fluffy drama on the tv.

you fell asleep on the couch together, awoken by saeran the next morning wanting to sit down within saeyoungs foot in his lap.

---

20:00 AST - 09/06/21

[dianapana]

SH Day 3- Addicted to your touch

Day 3 – Addicted to your touch Separation Anxiety

WARNING: MENTAL ILLNESS

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, the advice I gave in this piece might be very faulty, please take it with a grain of salt.

Modern AU, OOC

@sasuhinamonth

It all started small, when one day Sasuke announced that he’d be gone for 2 weeks due to work, the news alone made Hinata’s heartache but she smiled and wished him good luck on the project and a safe trip. Each day the feeling of missing him would grow and grow and grow until it was too big for her body to contain, and the feeling turned to pain. Her longing made her physically sick by the end of the second week.

The next stage was composed of excessive calls and texts, Hinata constantly needed to know where he was, what he was doing, whenever he’d take too long to reply the longing would come back and she’d either sink into sadness or lose herself to anger, both feelings she had not experienced much since dating Sasuke. Whenever he’d reply after a longer break, she’d ask him to come over to her house and stay the night.

That was the case on August 3rd. Sasuke came straight to her house after a long day at the office and Hinata ran to hug him, all of the negative feelings almost forgotten the moment she laid her eyes on him. His touch alone made all of her worries disappear. That was the feeling of home, in his arms.

They spent the night normally, eating dinner while watching a movie, changing and going to bed because they both had work in the morning. The issue came with the sunrise, for Hinata refused to let him leave. She cried and begged and screamed the moment he brought up work, she tore his shirt apart reasoning that he couldn’t go to work without one. The moment the white fabric hit the ground; silence fell over the room. Both of them were shocked, unable to speak due to her outburst of emotions.

Her cried aggravated, she fell to her knees and crawled to where he was, hugging his waist, apologizing over and over again. Sasuke was in deep thought, remembering all the small signs over the past month and a half. It hurt him to think that he had hurt her in any way to drive her to this moment, he patted her hair lovingly, took a deep breath and said in a broken voice “I think there’s something wrong Hina”

She looked at him with big round eyes, they were glossy and red, she blinked and looked down at the floor. “There might be…” Sasuke picked her up by her armpits and placed her in his lap, continuing to run his hand through her hair. He continued doing so until she calmed down and fell asleep, her emotions must have exhausted her. He didn’t move her from his lap for fear of waking her up, however, he picked up his phone from the nightstand and send Itachi a message telling him that he will not be going to work, he proceeded to text Kurenai as well informing her of Hinata’s absence at work too.

He spent the following few hours reading about similar situations, which mostly led to the same piece of advice, that a specialist was needed. So, he went on to search for therapists in Konoha, texting them all, asking whether any of them were free that day, two of them didn’t reply, another one was full for the week and could only see them next Wednesday, thankfully the last one agreed to meet with them after closing hours at 8:30.

Having all of that plan, all he needed to do was find a way to approach the topic when talking to Hinata, she had to agree that paying a visit to therapy would do them both good. Hinata had been asleep for about two hours now, so Sasuke took the liberty to move her onto her side of the bed and go to the kitchen to make some food for when she’d get up.

He managed to make scrambled eggs and toast and was about to go and wake her up when a cry of distress came from their room. He hurried to her side, Hinata was holding onto his pillow on the verge of tears.

“You weren’t here when I woke up” Her voice was meek and trembling. “I could hear movement in the kitchen, I knew you were there. So why, why does your absence hurt this much, despite me knowing you are here?”

He wished he had the answer, but he didn’t. He moved closer and sat on the edge of the bed, cupping her face with one hand, slowly brushing the skin under her eye with his thumb. Sasuke leaned in slowly to hiss her nose, cheek, forehead and finally the corner of her mouth. “I think to find out why, we might need some help from the outside” he closed his eyes and sighed, his breath fanning over her lips. “I talked to a man named Iruka, he’s a therapist and agreed to meet with us later today, would you be open to this idea?”

-------------

Hinata looked at him, searching his eyes and expression for any malice or negative feelings, but there was none, his openness and desire to help led her to agree to his plan, maybe they did need help.

“From what you’ve told me, this is a severe case of separation anxiety,” Iruka said, he looked kind and bore no ill feelings, Hinata had been afraid of the judgmental look he’d give her after hearing about her actions, but his eyes remained warm and understanding. “This usually manifests itself in small children, they are afraid to part from their caregivers even for a moment. In certain cases, it is believed it could appear in pregnant women as well, and usually the caregiver is their partner. Is there any possibility of this being true?”

Both Sasuke and Hinata’s eyes opened wider at the word pregnant, there was most certainly a possibility of that. They were always careful while having sex, however, Hinata was not on birth control, for they affected her badly whenever she took them as a teen so their method of contraception were condoms alone. There’s always the possibility of one breaking, a faulty one, or just them being part of the 0.01% of the population for which condoms did not work perfectly.

-------------

“I suggest you take a pregnancy test as well. As I mentioned, this is known to happen now and again so do not worry too much; however, this anxiety can affect you negatively” Iruka continued while looking at Hinata “the best way to deal with this is steady growth. In the early stages constant contact is preferred. Think of this as building up trust once again. Constant reassurance is important, always keeping promises, separation needs to happen slowly over time; from constant touch to simply being in the same room but at a safe distance, then being in separate rooms, then Hinata being alone but in a familiar and comfortable space for short periods of time. Of course, this process takes months. For some women the anxiety dies down with the birth, for others in continues after but through steady built of trust it can disappear”

They followed Iruka’s advice and went to Hinata’s gyno the next day and Iruka’s assumption proved to be true, Hinata was indeed pregnant in week 7. They were currently in the first stage of their trust-building, being in the same room, always touching. Hinata sat in his lap while they watched a movie, they held hands whenever they were outside, they’d keep bumping feet under the table as they ate. Sasuke had basically moved into her apartment, neither of them went to work. Sasuke was able to do most of his job remotely, however, Hinata applied for medical time off. Everything was going great, Hinata no longer experienced that painful longing, however, her pregnancy turned out to be a quite difficult one, as soon as they found out she was indeed pregnant, her morning sickness started, she had constant back pain and her appetite was very volatile. They’d often wake up in the middle of the night and drive around the city to find one of her cravings. During a particularly bad night 2 months after, her craving for watermelon in the winter proved difficult, to add to the issue her back pain was excruciating so she could not stay in the car for however long it would take them to find watermelon.

“Do you think…you would be all right if you stayed here and I went to find it for you…?” they had barely moved on from the ‘always touching’ stage, the process was slow but it was there.

“I…don’t know…”

“What do you want me to do Hina? You can’t even sit up properly, being in the car for maybe an hour would we awful, but being here alone would too…but it’s unwise to not follow your cravings either” He was spiralling, the situation was stressful and all he wanted was to be able to help her, he wanted to take her pain away, he wanted to give her everything she’d ever want and more.

“I think, I will be fine” Hinata finally said after thinking for a bit longer. Almost in slow motion, he nodded, ‘ok, ok, ok’ he murmured to himself as he put his winter coat over his pyjamas and stood on the bed to put his boots on. “I’ll go find you watermelon, ok? I will be back as soon as I can. I love you” he kissed her cheek and then the top of her head. She smiled and waved, but the moment his back turned to her, her smile wavered. Would she really be ok…?

Sasuke ran down the stairs to the car, he wanted to be away for as little as possible. He pulled out of the driveway and sped up as much as possible. Firstly, he’d look at the local non-stop supermarket, at the ‘exotic’ or ‘out of season’ shelf, if it wasn’t there he’d go to the local Korean market and buy some watermelon flavoured things, just in case there was nothing else anywhere; before he could think of where he’d go next his phone rang. Seeing Hinata’s name he answered immediately.

“come back…please” she was trying not to cry, he could hear it. He did an illegal U-turn and sped even more towards their apartment “I’m coming, I’ll be there in 5 minutes” Hinata replied with an ‘ok’ however she didn’t hang up, she needed to at least be on the line with him. Sasuke didn’t hang up either, not when we pulled into the driveway, not when he stopped the car, nor when he ran up the stairs. He only hung up when Hinata was in his arms.

“I’m so sorry, I thought I could, but you left and I…” she was sobbing so hard it was even difficult to understand her. “It’s ok, it’s not your fault, we moved too fast. Iruka said it’s slow. It’s no problem Hina, we can just start over” If her constantly touching him was what made her feel safe, he’d hold her close until she was ready. No more rushing of things. Once Hinata calmed down, Sasuke called Itachi.

“I’m sorry to wake you up but I need some help…could you look for some watermelon?”

[backtobackbakubabe]

I am the Alpha Now Part 9

Bakugo X Reader   

Words: 2677

Reader is from America and somewhat of a delinquent with an alpha quirk that allows her to turn into a wolf as well as bond with dogs. She is sent to UA to straighten out her attitude. She ends up in a power struggle with none other than our favorite hot head. Words in Italics are words said telepathically

*****************************************************************************************************

You woke up the next day with a dull ache in your ears. It reminded you of when you would get swimmers ear as a child. It was more disorienting than it was painful, and you just prayed you weren’t getting an ear infection. Or worse yet, maybe it was some weird side effect of that would be robber’s blindness quirk. Day one blind, day two deaf. Who knows...

You woke up before your alarm and started to get ready. Even the sound of your feet dragging across the carpeted floor seemed dull. You took a deep breath in an attempt to get your ears to pop, the they would on an airplane, but nothing. Maybe you were just getting sick... great...

“Are you okay? You look like a zombie?”

You patted Mercy’s head half-heartedly, “I’m fine… my ears are just stuffed up. Might be catching a cold or something. No big deal.”

He tilted his furry head at you like he didn’t believe you but didn’t press it.

Despite the fact you had woken up early you really hadn’t done much to get ready. The ache in your ear was distracting. You managed to get your uniform on and put your hair in a messy bun. You realized Bakugo was probably in the kitchen by now making coffee, so you put Mercy’s collar on and headed down the hall.

You saw his spiky blonde hair and you could smell the coffee, but you only just barely make out the sound of him… humming? What’s got him in such a good mood.

You wrapped your arms around his waist and buried your face into his back. “Do we have to go to class today?”

He poured your coffee into a to go cup with one hand and reached around to smack your ass with other. “We already missed yesterday. We can’t fall behind.”

You let go so he could turn around to look at you, “Are you okay?... You look….”

You rolled your eyes, “I Know! I think I’m getting sick or something, my ears are all stuffy…”

He put his hand on your forehead, “Well you don’t have a fever… so it looks like you’re going. You can pout all you want, but you can’t risk getting kicked out for skipping.”

You knew he was right. You were sent here for an attitude adjustment, you needed to be on your best behavior. This was you last year of school before graduation. You just had to make it that long.

You sipped on your coffee as Bakugo practically dragged you to class. He did seem a little perkier today. But maybe it just seemed that way because you were so grumpy. Even Mercy kept his mouth shut the whole way there. He could feel your irritation bubbling up and he didn’t want to be the thing that set you off. He had seen you blow up enough times to know how ruthless you can be, and he wasn’t in the mood to be the target of your rage. So instead he walked next to Bakugo, tail wagging.

People gasped and stared as you and Bakugo approached class hand in hand. Mineta pointed as he sprinted towards you two. “WHAT?! NO FAIR! How long have you guys been a thing? Why would someone as nice as y/n pick someone as mean as you Baku..”

“Would you just shut the fuck up. Your voice is so high pitched it’s giving me a fucking headache! It’s none of your business!”

Bakugo’s eyes widened in surprise at the hostility in your voice. Then immediately narrowed as you let go of his hand in order to rub your temples.

He grabbed your elbow and dragged you towards your desk, “What the hell was that?”

You closed your eyes and sank into your seat, “What? It’s not like you weren’t thinking it… You going to lecture me now on manors?”

Usually he would be itching to fight back with you, but one look at you told him there was something bigger going on. “I don’t know what your problem is today… but whatever it is… just don’t shut me out.” He leaned over and put his hands on your desk, “You wanna fight fine. I’ll be your fucking punching bag at training, but other than that just fucking talk to me.”

You squeezed your eyes shut, “My ears hurt. I have a headache. I know how loud you usually are, so either you’re whispering, which let’s be honest, I don’t think you are capable of, or I’m practically deaf because I could barely hear that…. There you happy?”

He nodded, “Yeah. At least now I know why you’re so cranky…” He pointed towards your coffee, “Just keep drinking. The hot liquid and the process of swallowing might help a little.”

Denki took his seat beside you and wagged his eyebrows, “OH! What are we swallowing?”

Before you could even say anything Bakugo had shoved him out of his chair, “You’re not sitting there today. Go sit somewhere else.”

Bakugo took his normal seat behind you and would periodically tap your foot with his during class like he was checking in with you. At one point though he tapped you a little harder than normal. Soe might say he actually kicked you. “Ow! What?”

Mercy was the one answered, “He’s trying to let you know that Aizawa asked you a question…”

Your eyes shot up and met Aizawa’s who was obviously waiting for an answer, “I’m sorry… can you repeat the question?”

Aizawa’s shoulders slumped as he realized you hadn’t been paying attention. He repeated himself but you didn’t hear anything… His voice was already so monotone and quiet. It was practically impossible for you to hear him. Your face heated up as you realized you would have to ask him to say it a third time. “I’m so sorry, can you just say that one more time?”

At this point you can see everyone in the classroom turned to stare at you. You jumped as Bakugo’s hand landed on your shoulder, “He asked you to go up to the board and finish the problem…”

You stood up and wiped your sweaty palms on your skirt. A ringing started in your ear and it just got louder the closer you got to the bored. Your head started to feel dizzy. You got to the bored and with a shaky hand you picked up the chalk. You could feel all those eyes burning a hole into your back. Wondering what the hell was wrong with the weird American. The chalk turned to dust in your hands as you crushed it between your fingers in a fit of anxiety.

You could hear a few snickers behind you, which meant that it was pretty loud if you could hear it. Without even looking at your classmates, you turned and sprinted out into the hallway. You made it outside and took deep breaths of the cool air. You sunk to the floor and pressed your hands to your ears as the ringing got louder.

“What’s wrong?”

At least Mercy’s words were clear. “There’s this awful ringing in my ears and I just want it to stop!”

Mercy put his head in your lap with a soft whimper.

Someone sat down next to you, and you had to assume it was Bakugo.

“Hey… I know it may be hard right now, but I need you to try and take some deep breaths. Try and clear your mind. I think you’re having an anxiety attack. So just try and focus on me okay.” His hand squeezed yours and slowly the ringing subsided.

You cleared your throat, “Um… thank you… for that.”

He rubbed your back, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made you come today. You said you didn’t feel good, and I didn’t listen. A fucking building fell on you two days ago. Yesterday you were stabbed and blinded… We’ve been dating for like 24 hour and I’m already the worst boyfriend ever…”

You squeezed his hand, “There’s no way you could have known it was going to be this bad. I’ve had colds and ear infections before. They’ve never felt like this.”

You felt him tense up, “What if it’s me? What if all the sparring… all the explosions. What if I fucked up your hearing?”

You leaned your head on his shoulder, “Nah… That’s a physical injury. I would heal from that. Illness is different. I can’t heal myself from being sick. It takes too much energy and usually makes it worse.” You sat up and looked at him, “You didn’t do this to me. I promise.” He nodded but he didn’t look convinced.

You stood up on wobbly legs, “Tell Aizawa I’m going back to the dorms to try and sleep whatever this is off.”

He took your hand, “He’ll figure it out. Let’s go. I’ll make you some soup.”

True to his word, he made you chicken noodle soup per your request and was now sitting at your desk reading a textbook while you watched tv. For once you were happy he had forced you to turn the subtitles on.

There was still some awkwardness lingering between the two of you. You kept catching him looking at you weird. You felt like he had something he wanted to say, but you would wait until he figured out what that was.

You periodically had to turn the volume on the tv up because you’re hearing was getting worse by the minute. Eventually you sat up and hurled the remote across the room, “Fuck this!” The ringing had returned now and was gradually getting louder. “Ah! This sucks! I Just want it to stop!”

The pain was definitely worse now and a panic started to grow in your chest. Bakugo was now in front of you shouting but nothing was getting through. You couldn’t hear him.

Your panic was only rivaled by your anger. You were mad that you couldn’t fix this. You were mad at feeling so helpless. But that anger felt like it belonged to someone else… Mercy?

“Mercy!!!”

“I’m here. What do you need?”

“I don’t know! I don’t know! I just need it to stop! I need it to STOP!”

Your eyes glowed blue and you put all of your alpha authority into your voice. You stayed like that for almost ten minutes. Your eyes lighting up the room, your breathing heavy. And then all the sudden it was like something popped in your ears.

As your eyes dimmed back to normal, the ringing in your ears died as well. In fact… It went away completely.

You looked next to you and saw Bakugo, who was now staring at your lap…frozen.

“Bakugo?”

His head whipped up, eyes burning into yours. “Say that again?”

“What? Your name? Bakugo..”

A single tear slid down his cheek. Oh shit did you break him?

“I can… I can hear you. Like I can actually hear you.”

His voice was so much softer than it usually was.

You scooted forward and took his head in your hands, “What are you talking about? Can you usually not?”

He pressed his forehead against yours. “The reason I panicked earlier is because… Well I can’t exactly hear that well. You know from all of the explosions… I have pretty bad tinnitus. It’s why I’m so loud… and angry all the time. I can’t fucking hear half of the time… I thought I did the same thing to you..”

You ran your fingers through his hair, “Okay and now?”

“I can hear. Your eyes started glowing and when you said stop. It was like I had taken off a pair of headphones. Slowly everything got clearer…” Another tear slid down his cheek, “Did you… did you do something? Did you fix me?”

You sat there wide eyed. You didn’t know what to say… You intentionally done anything…

“I think I can feel him… I think he’s starting to join our pack. Earlier he felt helpless, now he feels something close to admiration, love maybe.”

“Mercy what are you talking about?”

“Come on.. I know you’ve felt it to. He’s in the early stages of a bond. It’s probably why we communicate so well. He can feel me. He just doesn’t realize it yet. Maybe if I yell at him really loud he’ll hear me… HEY BAKUGO!”

Bakugo leaned away from you to see why you had tensed up. “What’s going on?”

You played with the ends of your hair, “Well… Mercy seems to think that you might be… you know joining our pack…”

It was his turn for his eyes to widen, “Uhhh what?” He shook his head, “What does that even mean?”

You shrugged, “I don’t know. I’ve only ever done it once, and it was with a dog so… but I guess it does make sense. The first thing we learned was how to communicate our emotions. The empathy link. Then it went beyond that to feeling other things like pain. Like I said I could heal my ears if it was physical… I guess the bond was trying to tell me I was being a bad alpha… that one of my pack members was hurt. So it pushed me until I fixed it… even if I have no idea how I did it.”

He stood up and started pacing. “What… the fuck… so what’s next? Am I going to turn into a dog? Oh shit! Will you be able to boss me around now?”

You giggled at how uncomfortable that made him, “Well first of all I have no idea. Like I said this has never happened with another human before!”

“Okay so what happened with Mercy?”

“Well after the emotions, and the physical stuff, we then learned to be able to feel each other’s presence and location. It’s grown to a few miles now. Then we learned to talk telepathically which you know. We’ve been trying to get the hang of using each other’s senses, but we hadn’t really done it effectively until yesterday.”

He stopped pacing, “Well that’s not creepy at all… but at least I get to talk to Mercy.”

“Woah, it was just a theory. We don’t know that you are for sure joining the pack.”

Mercy barked, “Yes we do.”

Bakugo threw his hands up, “Well how else would you explain what just happened?! I haven’t been able to hear well since before I developed my quirk!”

Your heart softened a little bit. “Babe… what I experienced today.. Was that how you feel everyday?”

He rubbed the back of his neck, “Yes… No.. I don’t know. Not all the time. It comes and goes.”

No wonder he was always so cranky. You couldn’t handle it for a couple hours and he’s had to endure it for years.

“Well I guess there’s one way we can test it out.” You pulled him to sit next to you on the bed. “My eyes glow when I’m shifting or when I’m feeling an intense emotion.”

You started kissing his jaw, “Okay I think I know where this is going. But I feel like there is an easier way.”

You pulled back to look at him, “Are you seriously turning down sex right now?”

He rolled his eyes, “Forgive me if I take a few minutes to absorb the news that I’m joining some weird telepathic wolf pack thing.”

You bit your lip to keep from laughing. You put your hand on his upper thigh and leaned in to whisper in his ear. “I love it when you’re soft with me. In fact…I think I love you.”

A shiver went down his spine and when you looked at him eyes did have a faint tint of blue to them. “Hah! There it is! I saw it!”

He swallowed, “So uh.., you only said that then to…”

You kissed his lips before he could finish, “No I meant them. Now let see if we can really make those eyes glow.”

****************************

Tags : @tspice283 , @realityisoftendisapointing , @imbi-101 , @thoughtfulpandazine2 , @hotarumorikawa , @huh-iwasntpayingattention , @starfishlovingbnha , @weebnumber3622 , @mixedfeeelings , @munchmunch01 

[impala-dreamer]

Enough Bullshit.

(This is a personal post full of mental health issues and triggers.)

Went to the doctor this afternoon, and while we were waiting, Bill and I had a chat about posters that were on the wall. There was a check list for depression and another with info about bi-polar disorder next to the more common doctor’s office things like prostate health and diabetes. 

He’s a bit older than I am, but we both grew up in a time where mentioning depression or anxiety was not done. You didn’t even tell your doctor about it, because it came with negative reactions like “Well, just cheer up” or “Eh, you’re just sad. Be happy.” 

I live with this fear constantly, still. Not two years ago, I went to my doctor (and saw his elderly partner) and I told them that I was having suicidal thoughts and he told me, I kid you not, “Well, go do something you like. Go shopping.” I got up and walked out of the office and didn’t get the help I needed that day. 

It wasn’t until I had a nervous breakdown months later (while working at an SPNCon) that I realized I couldn’t handle it myself anymore. I saw a different doctor and he diagnosed a panic disorder and I’ve been on meds ever since. Nothing is perfect, but they help. I still struggle with this daily, and while it’s not bad most days, it’s always there, on top of my other medical issues. Some nights I can’t shop shaking, some nights I see my death on a loop. Some nights I have no troubles at all. I struggle with a severe panic disorder and suicidal ideation, and occasionally I turn to cutting to ease the other stuff. It’s just how my brain works.

If I talk about it, I still get people telling me, “Oh, everyone’s stressed right now.” “Just relax.” “Don’t be sad, you’re awesome.” OK, but... I can’t stop this. For me, this isn’t anxiety, it’s physical panic symptoms. I cannot think my tremors away. I cannot use breathing techniques to stop the my legs from moving body from twitching so painfully for hours that I’m left exhausted at the end. But, if I tell them that, I still get the “yeah, right. Just be happy.” Even from the nurse today. “Oh, stress will do that! haha! Ya know, wearing masks can be stressful!” OK, but... no. 

I’ve been having a severe panic attack since Sunday night. It’s been building to this for a while. I’ve been clenching my jaw unconsciously so hard for about a month now, and I knocked a tooth loose. I’m doing it now as I type this, but I can’t stop until I realize I’m doing it. Sunday, I started having strange dizzy spells and my eye has been twitching like crazy every ten minutes or so. I lost vision for a bit the other day, just couldn’t focus my eyes. Yet, I didn’t say anything. 

My husband and friends told me to go to the doctor on Tuesday, and I refused because, in my experience, they don’t do anything. 

I woke up last night scratching a hole into my head. I was bleeding and terrified and I couldn’t stop. I sat on the phone with one of my best friends for over an hour, incoherently crying at her, unable to calm down, unable to move, unable to breathe. I saw a shadowy figure slicing my wrists and suffocating me, and I was crying for Misha. Don’t ask, he usually calms me down, but I couldn’t make my imaginary Misha appear. I was shaking so bad that I was in pain from head to toe. Every muscle in my body was at the fullest tightness that it could be. Every. Single. Muscle. I almost called an ambulance. SHOULD have called an ambulance, but I refused to be a burden to anyone. It was 2am, everyone was asleep. So I shook and gasped and cried until I passed out at 3. Woke up shaking at 3.30. then 4. then 5. I slept from 5.30 - 7, and thought, “OK, it’ll be over. I slept.” No. It was not. I wasn’t able to move from the position I woke up in for 2 hours. Not just get out of bed, MOVE at all. I spoke to another friend online and they suggested hospital and again, I said no. I didn’t want to bother anyone, I didn’t want anyone to worry, I didn’t want to go to get help and then have nothing happen. 

Anyway, I went to the doctor, and he took one look at me shaking on the table and helped. He didn’t tell me “oh, just cheer up.” He told me that if my heartbeat was any higher, he would have put me in the hospital. He took it seriously. He gave me a higher dose of meds to “calm my brain down before we do anything else.” which will stop the dizziness and eye twitch, and then we can readjust my meds. 

Simple. 

Yet, I spent all week in pain and hiding the fact that I was barely holding on for fear of what someone would say. For fear of being a burden. For fear of being ignored or my symptoms pushed aside. 

WHAT BULLSHIT. 

I came home, took a pill, passed out, and I already feel better. I’m still shaking and twitching, but I know it’s going to be OK, because someone listened. I spent a week alone and in pain because we still don’t talk about mental illness in an open way. 

We still look at someone who’s depressed and say “Hey, go for a walk, you’ll feel better.” or... “Well, maybe if you lost 40lbs, you’d be happier.” 

NO NO NO NO. 

Stop making people feel bad for feeling bad. 

Some of us have brains that do not fire in the same way that everyone else’s do. That’s nothing to be ashamed of or hiding. 

I SHOULD NOT BE AFRAID TO SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION WHEN NEEDED JUST BECAUSE OF ANCIENT STIGMA. NO ONE’S GOING TO SHOVE ME IN A STRAIGHT JACKET. 

But that is a legitimate fear of mine. 

It’s WRONG.

It’s DEADLY. 

But I can’t stop it. I’ve been told my entire life that I’m fat and if I lost weight I would feel better, if I practiced some self-care I would be happy. If that works for you, I’m glad. But that doesn’t work for everyone. 

I guess my long ranting point I’m trying to make is: 

TALK ABOUT IT. NORMALIZE SEEKING MEDICAL HELP FOR MENTAL ILLNESS. DON’T REVERT TO PLACATION IF SOMEONE IS IN PAIN. 

SEEK HELP.

[merryfortune]

Alexithymia

Fandom: Yu-Gi-Oh! VRAINS

Ship: Ryoken/Spectre

Rating: T

Word Count: 2,799

Tags: Canon Compliant, Knights of Hanoi as Found Family, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Abandonment Issues, Attachment Disorders, Selective Mutism

Synopsis:  Ryoken becomes worried for Spectre when his behaviour deviates, and even regresses, after the defeat of Bohman.

  Ryoken was relieved to log out from the Link VRAINS after Playmaker had won against Bohman. He had been relieved to simply have been revived, standing in the plaza with Spectre by his side, smiling as people’s very souls were restored to them after being taken for the Neuron Link but being able to breathe air – even heavily recycled, air conditioned air – of the office filled him with relief and gratitude.

  Ryoken got up from his seat and Spectre finally opened his eyes. Ryoken wanted to pounce on him with a hug as soon as he did that, but Spectre was fussy, always had been and Ryoken thought he always would be. So, he gave Spectre a moment and then he looked towards Ryoken. There was an indescribable emotion on the blue surface of his iris; his lips twitched.

  “We did it.” Ryoken said. “We lived. The vast majority of the Ignis have perished; the Light Ignis’s faction is a threat no more. We did it.”

  “Yes, congratulations.” Spectre’s voice sounded indescribable.

  Ryoken beamed. “I’m so happy right now, thank you, for everything, all your efforts.”

  He couldn’t contain himself. Yes, the issue of the Dark Ignis remained but for now, now was a time of victory and celebration, no matter how small or what ills were to follow. Ryoken sat down next to Spectre and hugged him. Spectre stiffened as the touch, as Ryoken’s arms came around him and held him. Ryoken sighed. Spectre flinched.

  “Please, sir, stop…” Spectre murmured.

  Ryoken receded slightly and he gazed up at Spectre who looked most uncomfortable, even frightened, by his embrace.

  “Are you alright…?” Ryoken asked and he swallowed a lump in his throat.

  “It hurts.” Spectre admitted in a tiny voice. “It hurts when you do that.”

  He wanted to get away so Ryoken let him. Ryoken straightened up and the atmosphere turned awkward. Ryoken hadn’t thought that he would be squeezing Spectre so hard that it would hurt, and it wounded him that he had yet neither said a word. There was silence save for the whirring of the air conditioner on the far wall. Spectre pointedly looked the other way, but he could feel when Ryoken stole looks at him.

  “Are you okay?” Ryoken asked again.

  Spectre attempted to reply but his words came out a stutter, confused and agitated until he finally gave up and changed the subject. “You said Playmaker defeated Bohman but what of you? What happened after I-” He couldn’t bring himself to say it.

  “If you can stomach it, I’m sure the Lieutenants may have recordings of the duels that took place after your loss.” Ryoken said.

  “I would rather hear it from you first.” Spectre replied with a terse exhale.

  “Of course, as you wish.”

  Ryoken then went on to explain the events which followed after Spectre’s loss. Some of it made him laugh, some of it harrowed him, but there was an oddness to his reactions, a certain detached callousness, which Ryoken couldn’t deny despite how much he wanted to. He wasn’t certain but he could tell. Something about Spectre was off but he couldn’t confirm it until later. When their conversation finished up, they were both famished, and the Lieutenants had returned so they had a meal together.

  The fridge had been stocked up with the best and even though the kitchen was tiny, there was an atmosphere of celebration. Aso, Kyoko, and Genome: they all agreed that with the vast majority of the Ignis terminated, it was time to take the victory no matter how meagre. Spectre merely sat and watched. It was eerie and yet, the Lieutenants hardly seemed to notice but its not like Spectre was a big personality. He was a small one. A wisp of the thing and right now, he just wanted to sit at the dining table chair and watch with a rather blank expression.

  Ryoken kept reminding himself to keep glancing towards him, keep checking on him but he couldn’t bring himself to ask for Spectre’s opinion on things. He was reasonably certain that even if he were to ask, then he would merely be stalled out or lied to. He could forgive Spectre either way for that, those were two cores of his character, after all, but Ryoken still cared for him very deeply.

  “Thank you.” Spectre said when Kyoko put a plate of food in front him. He didn’t smile.

  “Your welcome.” Kyoko replied but she glanced at Ryoken, she had noticed as well.

  No one in this so-called household was a gourmet chef but if there was anyone who came close, it would have been Spectre. He cared deeply about his produce and how it was treated, he wanted it to be certain that they were treated with care and respect, so he typically produced the best meals. Not for this luncheon, at least.

  Everyone sat at the table and thanked each other for the meal, for surviving, and so forth. The Lieutenants ate ravenously and at the other end, of both the table and the spectrum, Spectre barely ate with Ryoken truly in between. Spectre finished first and then retired to his bed on the yacht; no one stopped him. So, no one did the dishes, either, since after eating, everyone wanted to sleep.

  Ryoken left his plate and crockery on the sink then slunk off. He and Spectre shared a twin room and he was quiet as he entered it. There wasn’t much space physically between the two beds since it was kind of cramped on the yacht, but it felt a lot bigger as Ryoken’s eyes settled on how defensive Spectre seemed, lying on his side with his back to the door. Ryoken’s anxieties just worsened.

  But it was nothing compared to when he managed to confirm and get a better grapple on what Spectre was feeling at present. Or if he was even feeling anything at all.

  The following day, they all woke up at weird times, feeling groggy and bad so Ryoken, against everyone’s wishes, they wanted to lie low and eat some more, and maybe do the dishes if they were feeling really daring but he convinced them otherwise. He returned the yacht to the marina and at dusk, he dragged everyone off the yacht and sent them on their ways. To do anything for an hour and then they would be back.

  Ryoken was hoping that even Spectre would go off and do his own thing but very sullenly, he insisted that he would prefer to shadow Ryoken, so he did. So, Ryoken donned the choice of doing something that he thought Spectre would like, even for a little while and he figured there was no choice more obvious than walking along the pier, they had planter boxes and sculptures and similar. He thought surely that would perk Spectre up, even a little, but he was wrong. Really wrong.

  Spectre followed at a few paces and Ryoken couldn’t bring himself to grab Spectre’s hand and all but make it a date. But Ryoken was afraid that he might hurt Spectre again, like when he had hugged him yesterday. He stood in front of one planter box and looked out to the water which shone with the oncoming hues of dusk. He pointed at the flowers. He thought they were pretty, all their tiny buds and the wiry stems of a grey-green.

  “Hey, Spectre, can you tell me any fun facts about this variety?” he asked. He thought that they were peonies, but he wasn’t sure.

  Spectre caught up and he instead mumbled, “I don’t like the crowd here.”

  Ryoken glanced around. There were less people here than he thought; maybe they were all crammed inside the bars and restaurants along the pier. But he nodded. He knew that Spectre had never been overly fond of public places and big crowds and all their social batteries were running on empty. It was understandable; it was also excusable.

  “Okay,” Ryoken replied, a little downhearted and rejected, “let’s go home.”

  “Thank you, sir.” Spectre sounded a little bit happier.

  Ryoken had wanted to linger longer along the pier but if Spectre wanted to go home, then they would both go home. They walked back and again, Spectre remained a few steps behind Ryoken. Normally, he didn’t mind, but it felt more indicative of something else given the events of yesterday.

  At dinner, Spectre hardly ate again and was the first to retire to bed, Ryoken gave him the space he clearly wanted by washing the dishes but the repetitiveness of cleaning up today and yesterday’s meals, gave him too much time to be inside his head worrying about Spectre. After finishing up, wiping down his hands, Ryoken retired to his and Spectre’s room. He saw that Spectre was sleeping on his side again. It was still unusual, he tended to prefer to sleep on his back and it made Ryoken wonder, was he actually asleep?

  So, he prompted him, “Spectre?”

  “Yes, sir?” he replied tiredly.

  “Are you sure you ate enough today?” Ryoken asked. “There’s snacks in the pantry if you want them.”

  “I’m quite right, thank you for your concern.” He sounded scripted.

  “Why is that?” Ryoken asked and he already feared the truth, should he elicit it at all.

  “It’s simple.” Spectre scoffed. “Losers don’t eat.”

  There it was. Ryoken was surprised that Spectre had said that at all, but he was glad to be told the truth, no matter how terribly electrifying, like a live wire come loose.

  Ryoken settled on the bed. He wondered if now and here the right time for those sorts of conversations. He stole another look at Spectre. It was obvious he just needed time to lick his wounds and have some space. Ryoken closed his eyes and held the sheet up right, lying the other way to Spectre.

  Dealing with him had been easier when he was a child. When he didn’t know all their tricks. When he had come to the mansion, and when the Lieutenants had actually managed to speak with one of the good doctor’s darling test subjects, it became increasingly obvious that there was something wrong with this child’s psyche. And that aberration had already been there long before he had been their test subject in the Hanoi Project.

  Ryoken recalled that he would sometimes be schooled by the assistants in order to coach Spectre, engage him in therapy play and the like. Ryoken helped to teach Spectre his own emotions and the like, playing in very staged games and the like but at least in the moment, Spectre had never noticed because he had never really played with another child before. Eventually, once he had gotten good at it, they started him on identifying emotions and the like in other people and for better or worse, he had gotten very good at that as he had a naturally calculative mind.

  But they weren’t children anymore and for better or worse, though he would deny it, possibly, Spectre had agency and, no doubt in his mind, Ryoken was both therapy and better than therapy. He would never own up to what he was feeling until he had repressed it and gotten better at masking and mirroring – like he had done in the Link VRAINS, Ryoken realised now. He knew there had been something a little too good about how Spectre had smiled there, in a cascade of glowing, golden specks. He had smiled a little too wide. He just wanted to be praised for going through the motions, following Ryoken’s sincere and earnest grin. So happy to be alive.

 A few weeks passed like this. A sort of in-between where the pallor of awkwardness had receded slightly so Ryoken tested his waters again. It occurred to him that maybe the Earth Ignis, who was now wholly and utterly gone, had been holding up more of Spectre’s emotions than either of them had ever realised. Of course, there were other possibilities too. Maybe it was just a depressive slump, maybe it was something else with its roots in Spectre’s childhood and infancy, but either way, they to get back into the network and continue their mission. The Dark Ignis was still at large and therefore, still posed a threat and had to be eradicated. Yusaku was the only thing that stood between them and the final bout of their goal.

  However, more mundanely, Ryoken hoped that exposing Spectre to people he knew, even if he wasn’t particularly close to them or even liked them, might inspire a change in him. Ryoken had been observing Spectre and he had taken to routine again, that was good. Getting up early, going to bed late, and doing all the errands and the like in between but he hadn’t absorbed back into his hobbies or the like which was worrying.

  At least he came along with Ryoken on that particular mission. Ryoken wouldn’t have forced him if he said no as it wasn’t his thing at the best of times and in consolidation, Ryoken didn’t drag it out either. He said his hellos, he asked about the Ignis, he did his best to ignore Takeru who was hanging out at Café Nagi as well.

  But it was just him who had said his hellos and said his bit. He had been hoping that Spectre would say something – anything, even just a hello – but alas. He just stood behind him at a few paces with a grumpy, scrunched up sort of expression.

  They returned to the yacht not long after. Ryoken picked up two iced teas for them elsewhere, one for himself and one for Spectre, because Spectre wasn’t much of a coffee drinker, and especially not from Café Nagi, and whilst he didn’t really want it, he appreciated it. But both the one-use plastic drinks ended up on the table and they retired to their room together.

  They sat on the edge of their bed; their feet almost meeting in the middle, but Spectre had angled himself away from Ryoken because regardless of if Spectre wanted it, Ryoken wanted to confront the weirdness between them.

  “I’m sorry.” Ryoken started.

  “Don’t.” Spectre intoned sharply but oddly disappointed.

  “I noticed your mutism flared up around Playmaker and Soulburner earlier…” Ryoken said, and also at the iced tea kiosk but he didn’t mention that.

  “Yes…” Spectre murmured.

  “I just want to know,” Ryoken said, “is there anything I can do for you? I’m just really worried about you.”

  “I know…” Spectre murmured. “I’m just having a hard time collecting my thoughts as of late.”

  “I can tell.” Ryoken replied.

  Spectre hazarded a smile because he knew that’s what Ryoken was likely probing him for.

  “If you think of anything, anything at all, I want to help.” Ryoken said.

  “I’d like to hear it.” Spectre blurted out suddenly, eyes watering. “I want to hear you say you won’t leave me behind or abandon me, please.”

  Ryoken blinked. He was surprised but he also wasn’t surprised, so his expression softened.

  “I won’t ever leave you behind, I promise, you mean the world to me Spectre, if I were to abandon you, I would be abandoning my whole world, please believe me when I say that, I love you.” Ryoken replied and then he realised what he had said. “You don’t have to say it back to me, don’t feel pressured, please.”

  “I love you too.” Spectre said in a tiny voice and he smiled. It was small and twitchy and even a little uncertain but Ryoken knew it was genuine.

  Ryoken smiled. “Can I hug you?” he asked. “Please.”

  Spectre flashed him a look that made him look very fawnish and hurt but he instead said, “No.”

  “Oh.” Ryoken murmured. Not quite a gasp but he couldn’t be surprised. It was Spectre’s decision; he would respect it even if it made his heart flutter.

  “I want to hug you.” Spectre said with clarification, but he still carried this odd look about him.

  Spectre got up and he sat next to Ryoken. His heart hammered in his chest. Ryoken felt similarly. Spectre hefted his legs up and he cuddled in, holding Ryoken at the bottom of his waist. He had this very petulant look of dislike on his face, but he closed his eyes. He listened to the swift beating of Ryoken’s heart. Ryoken smiled and put his arms around Spectre.

  “Does it hurt?” Ryoken asked in a quiet voice.

  “No, it doesn’t.” Spectre replied as a whisper.

  Ryoken wanted to reply but he was fairly certain that his gladness was already conveyed as Spectre continued to settle. He didn’t seem all that uncomfortable anymore so Ryoken patted his back, stroking him gently.

[spursnroses]

So I’m still trying to process what happened last night. I need to write it out because I have no one nor place for it. First, I am going to warn you that this post will contain triggers such as mental illness, suicidal ideations/suicide that involves a family member, violent threats/verbal abuse, sexual abuse, alcohol abuse, and family death. Please do not read if you cannot handle such heavy content.

Last night my mother ended up drinking quite a bit, and we got into a fight.

She threw a temper tantrum for a very stupid reason - her phone died and her only phone charger was too short because over a couple of weeks ago my cat chewed up her other one which she left out despite knowing about his chewing habits by the way. She ranted about wanting to kill my cat/wishing he would die. She then threatened to take my phone and break it, so she made several attempts to grab it from me, but I refused. It turned into a wrestling match - I tried shoving her off me.

Of course, I grew upset. I kept telling her to stop or that she was making me angry. She wouldn’t listen. She deliberately kept me from going into my room so I could remove myself from the situation. I finally gave up and pushed my phone into her chest: “You want my phone so damn bad. Here you go.” I walked past her into the bathroom to wash off the blood from the scratch she gave me in the process.  This made her angrier and shoved my phone back into my jacket’s pocket violently and tried to rip my jacket. She started to mock me for being hurt. She deflected by making claims that she was just playing around and that I always treat her she was such a horrible person and mother. That she’s an abuser. That I should go live with my “father” who never had anything to do with me in my entire life.

I tried to defuse the situation once again by trying to console her because I already felt tired by this point. I brought her a cup of water then she went to bed hoping she’ll just sleep it off. I was wrong.

She came back out and rummaged through the kitchen’s drawers. I pleaded with my mother from killing herself for however many times. She first cut her arm and her leg. She stood there in the kitchen with a knife to her throat. Eventually, I was able to calm her down. When she returned to her room, I immediately hid all the objects she could hurt herself with and she finally went to sleep.  For many years, ever since I was a child, I lived with a severely mentally ill and single parent. My youngest memory of her mental illness remains fresh in my mind - I would be six years old and get up in the mornings to make breakfast and wandered outside alone while she still slept in bed almost all day. I found myself terrified by her violent outbursts or meltdowns - I would lie through my teeth to avoid her anger - sometimes I still am terrified. She depended on me a lot for emotional support despite being a child; wanting to be the best daughter, of course, I did whatever I could to make her happy. People would constantly compliment me on how mature I was for a young girl.  I used to be highly sensitive during my early childhood - I would cry at the simplest “no” - but I think it had a lot to do with emotional neglect. As I grew older, I detached myself from emotions. Today I still struggle with expressing how I feel.

I carry a lot of trauma from life - my mother, though most of it is unintentional, emotionally manipulated and abused me for who knows how long and her past boyfriend who sexually abused me when I was five and six years old. Growing up deaf came with no easy tasks too. I already knew I was different from other kids when I walked on the playground with no friends. I experienced constant fatigue and anxiety.

Recently, I lost both of my grandparents who helped to raise me; they were my biggest support system. In 2015, my grandma unexpectedly grew ill and passed away on my birthday. My grandpa had early-onset dementia, and it was awful and stressful. He eventually succumbed to his bodily ailments in 2019. I watched and said my final goodbyes to both of them on their deathbeds. That’s when the drinking escalated especially since my grandma died. Alcoholism runs deep in my family. My grandpa, unfortunately, drank, his brother and sister also drank to themselves to death, and now my mother and aunt drink heavily.

When my mother drinks, she binges to the point she rages or blackouts. She has called in sick to work multiple times before because she’s so hungover. 50/50 of the time when she’s drunk, she’ll start picking fights with me. On a few occasions, it has become physical such as blocking my path or cornering me but most of the time it evolves into name-calling, berating, and guilt-tripping. She often breaks things when she goes into a white-hot rage. There are dents on the walls of the bathroom. A few weeks ago, she shattered one of my grandma’s possessions. She once ripped the front door off its hinges which I later fixed.  She sometimes brings strange men to the house, and last year, one of them crawled into my bed naked and grabbed my wrist waking me up. It scared me so badly. Thankfully he didn’t do anything to me because I jerked away and asked, “What are you doing?” and he left my room. I woke my mom up and had him leave. My mother still had the gall to say I was just dreaming it. After that incident, I installed a lock on my door and sleep with a tazer under my pillow.

I have accepted at this point in life it is out of my control. I can’t stop her from drinking. I can’t force her to seek treatment.

She always had a poor temper and suicidal tendencies though. It just intensified with alcohol. One time she took a bunch of pills with vodka and fell in the shower mostly unresponsive. I called my aunt for help, and she came over; so did the paramedics. She spent a few days in an institution for observation and treatment, but that never really helped her. This was not her first episode; she ended up there a few times - over a year ago her former counselor called the police on her and they came to the house. One of the policemen found the pill bottle with my name on it and accused me of giving my mother the bottle though this situation was beyond my control. She ended up at the hospital then transferred to the institution for suicide watch. She never became the better for it. She refuses and claims nothing ever helps her. Lately, I have been trying to distance myself from my mother. It’s difficult to set boundaries because she constantly crosses them. I have grown to become very angry and resentful especially towards her. My mother is extremely emotionally enmeshed. She depends on me for emotional support, but after so many years, it is starting to wear me down. I no longer want to feel responsible for her emotions. I honestly have no support system in place. I don’t have any close friends to talk about what I’ve been going through. My aunt is clueless about what goes on at home, and I don’t intend to tell her about it because I know it just would cause more problems.  Sometimes, I just want to scream, kick, and cry. My life can be literal purgatory. I feel very trapped. I want so badly for something or someone to whisk me away from this life. It amazes me that I don’t act as fucked up as I truly am.

[starlightinhumanform]

Strong As The Sun

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Ship: Romantic Prinxiety, Platonic Analogicality 

Summary: It’s Roman’s last summer before going off to college; he should be spending it hanging out at the beach and having fun. Instead, he is wasting his time away beneath the eye of his cruel manager and behind the counter of the local fair’s Help Center. His day gets a little more interesting when Virgil Sanders collapses into his arms.

Warnings (in order of strength): Moderate language throughout, Description of physical illness throughout, Not panic but Virgil does get pretty upset a couple times. Please tell me if anything needs to be added.  Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Human AU 

A/N: -The Dragon Witch is Ms. Drakon -Because of his anxiety, Virgil clings to ‘comfort items’ (in this case, his hoodie) And lastly: I am not a medical professional!! This is all based on my own experiences with heat exhaustion and may not be entirely accurate. If you are ever in a situation like this, don’t be like Roman! Get some help!  Hope you enjoy! Love you all 🖤✨

Ao3 Link   Fic Masterpost   Fic Request Info

Roman couldn’t put his finger on the reason he loved his job so much. Maybe it was the suffocating heat that made him sweat so much his hair was consistently ruined by the end of every shift. Or maybe it was the entitled older folks who would yell at him for doing what his manager told him to do. It could have been the way his manager yelled at him for... doing exactly what she had told him to do. The best part was definitely the smell- a magical combination of cheap grease, sunscreen, animal waste, and a good amount of human waste.

Yeah, ok, his job sucked. Standing at the help desk of a local fair for 12 hours everyday was not exactly Roman’s ideal summer plan. It was his last summer before college; he should be getting toned from surfing at the beach all day where he would inevitably find his dream man and they would live happily ever after.

“Roman?! Did you hear a word I just said?”

Roman jerked his head up from where it had been resting in his hand (the perfect position for daydreaming himself away from this hell) and tried to look alert, “Yeah, sure! Of course!”

His manager scowled at him from across the counter. She looked like what would have happened if Snow White had made some sort of pact with the evil witch- sickly pale skin, blood red lips, and smooth black hair that never had a strand out of place. She tapped her nails against the desk and raised one perfectly manicured eyebrow, “Well, in that case, could you repeat it to me?”

“No, Ms. Drakon,” Roman hung his head, hoping his pathetic act would earn him some crumb of pity.

His manager just rolled her eyes, turning around and glaring at him over her shoulder, “I was saying you need to do a better job of looking enthusiastic- more ready to help. If you don’t, well just remember: there are plenty of other desperate teenagers who will easily take your place.”

The witch stalked away, stopping occasionally to bare her teeth at patrons in substitute of an actual smile. Roman barely resisted the urge to flip her off but decided it wasn’t worth the risk. He was positive at this point that she had eyes in the back of her head.

He sighed, rubbing his eyes and standing up straighter in an attempt to look more “enthusiastic”- or at least awake. Drakon might have been the epitome of evil, but she was right. It would be as easy as snapping her fingers to have Roman fired and replaced. And that was not something he could afford- literally.

Roman shoved the thoughts aside as a family walked up. He saw so many of the same groups over and over again that they all started to blend together. This one was no different- a loud, angry straight couple surrounded by a horde of unruly children.

The man slammed his fist down on the counter as he approached and Roman plastered on a smile, “Hi sir! How can I help you?”

Yep. Today was going to be fun. It was only noon and he had already a) gotten puked on by a little kid, b) had nearly been fired, and now c) yelled at because apparently the carnival games were arranged incorrectly and it was somehow his fault.

Roman spent the next two hours trying not to space out but it was so hard when he wanted to be anywhere else. He decided he was never going to a fair ever again. Ever. Unless it was with a boyfriend. Who he would win a bunch of prizes for. And take selfies with while they ate matching cotton candy. And they would ride the Ferris wheel together and kiss at the top. Hmmmm, so maybe he would never go to a fair ever again unless certain requirements were met.

If only his Prince Charming could come along now, jump over the desk partition, reach for Roman’s hand, and whisk him away to some place that had air conditioning. He would be tall, muscular, with a strong jawline, and-

“Excuse me?”

Roman glanced down, trying to find the kid who was trying to get his attention.

“Up here?”

He moved his gaze upwards to find a guy about his age wearing a dark hoodie with his hands shoved in his pockets. Not surprisingly, he looked like he was dying from the heat.

“Oh sorry. I thought you were,” Roman waved his hand at his knee, “small.”

The stranger grimaced, “Gonna try not to be insulted by that.”

“Anyways... how can I help you?” Even though the statement was built into Roman’s subconscious script, he really did mean it. The boy kept swaying and Roman wasn’t sure if it was some kind of nervous fidget or because he was actually about to pass out.

“Yeah. Right. Sorry. I’m just kinda- my head-“ He ran his hands through his hair, “Basically I lost my group and my phone is dead and I have no idea where they are and-“

He tried to take a step forward but stumbled, gripping the desk for support. Roman’s protective instincts kicked in immediately. He swung open the little shack’s gate and began leading the boy back to the shade of the awning, one arm swung around his chest to support him.

“I’m fine, really,” He tried to protest but used Roman as crutch as if this was A Christmas Carole and he was Tiny Tim.

Roman snorted as he latched the gate shut behind them, “You’re not ‘fine’- you can barely walk.”

Roman set the boy down on the rough floors, concerned by how hard he was breathing. He grabbed a water bottle from beneath the counter and offered it as he squatted down. This close, Roman was able to get a better evaluation his guest.

The good news: the heavy darkness beneath his eyes was eyeshadow- not some sort of bruise or dark circles that were so bad they could be seen from three feet away. The bad news: basically everything else. His breathing was labored. His face was deathly pale- nearly gray- and beaded with sweat. His black skinny jeans, heavy boots, and oversized purple hoodie were ideal for perhaps a light rain in mid October; at a fair during the sadistic month of July, the outfit looked nearly deadly.

Roman chewed the bottom of his lip. He really wasn’t trained for this sort of thing. His job was to look cute at the entrance and tell people where they could find the petting zoo. But he couldn’t just turn this guy away, “Look, you can stay here as long as you need but if my boss sees you, I’m dead so just try to stay low or something.”

The boy had been gulping down the water bottle but froze suddenly. His eyes widened and he started scrambling to get up. His feet scrabbled beneath him like a puppy who wasn’t used to their legs yet.

“Hey, hey, stop!” Roman hissed under his breath, trying to avoid making a scene, “What are you doing?”

“I don’t want you to get in trouble. It’s better if I just go,” The boy stopped struggling and stared at Roman with eyes the size of a small planet. They were blue, so deep and dark they almost looked purple. Beneath them, the messy eyeshadow was smudged by what Roman realized were tear streaks.

“Shut up, Emo. I’m not going to let you leave until I know it’s safe,” Roman reached out, brushing his thumb across the boy’s cheekbones to wipe away the dark trails the makeup had made.

The boy looked confused but didn’t try to duck away from Roman’s touch, “What are you doing?”

Roman drew his hand back and stared down at it. He felt just as confused as the boy looked. What was he doing? He huffed out a laugh, “I- I’m not sure. I don’t think either of us are thinking very clearly right now.”

Across from him, the boy bowed his head down so Roman couldn’t see his face and started drinking from the bottle again- less desperately this time. Roman got the feeling the conversation was over.

He stood up and shifted so he was more centered at the desk, “I have to look like I’m actually doing my job, but tell me if you need anything. Try to, uh, cool off or something. I’ve got plenty of water bottles over here.”

“Virgil.”

“I’m sorry?” Roman turned to face the shadow of a human in the corner of his shack. The boy was trying to take up less space, but his  lanky legs made it hard to curl up.

“My name is Virgil.”

Roman smiled, “Nice to meet you, Virgil. I’m Roman.”

Virgil nodded as if Roman had given the correct answer and was allowed to go back to his job.

The next hour passed sluggishly. Roman told six separate women asked where the bathrooms were but he could swear they were all the exact same person. He saw the girl who ran the lemonade stand spit into a drink at least twice. At some point, Virgil fell asleep, the back of his head pressed against the gate and his neck bent at an angle that would probably hurt when he woke up. His breathing was still a worrying rasp and Roman couldn’t help but glance over towards Virgil’s corner whenever he got the chance.

Three o’clock rolled in like it didn’t want to come. Roman slammed down his sign that read “I’m On Break Right Now!! I’ll Be Back In A Few Minutes :)” and dared the Karen who was marching toward his stand to take another step forward.

When he was sure the coast was clear, he ducked onto the floor and grabbed another water bottle as he scooted next to Virgil. This close, Roman could feel tremors that were running through Virgil’s body.

“Hey buddy, wake up,” Roman shook Virgil’s shoulders gently, wincing at the heat that radiated through the thick sweatshirt.

Virgil’s eyes blinked open slowly, glassy and unfocused. He searched around the small space before his gaze settled on Roman, “Where am- oh that’s right. I’m still here?”

Roman couldn’t explain it but something about the venomous disappointment in Virgil’s voice hit him in the chest. He shook the feeling away quickly when he remembered what was going on, “You’re burning up. I want you to drink some more water. And I think you’re going to need to take off that sweatshirt.”

Virgil collapsed in on himself, wrapping his arms around his chest and pressing himself against the side of the shack, “I don’t want to take it off.”

Roman could feel his eyebrows scrunching together by their own accord, “Why not?”

Virgil just shrugged and looked away which perfectly conveyed the message of I know exactly why and I’m not going to tell you.

“Ok, ok, whatever. It’s not like that stupid hoodie is seriously damaging your health or anything.”

Virgil flopped his head to the side to glare with two ice-cold flames. Roman got the feeling that if Virgil had more strength, he would’ve gotten slapped.  

Roman pinched the bridge of his nose, searching for options. It’s not like he could force Virgil to take the sweatshirt off- that would be weird for anyone. Besides, he still hardly knew this kid. Maybe he refused to take the hoodie off because he had some giant tattoo from a gang. Did gangs get tattoos? Like the dark mark from Harry Potter? Roman was getting sidetracked and Virgil looked like the type of person who rarely left his house. Ok so definitely not the type to join a gang.

But the fact that they hardly knew each other still stood. If he pushed it too far, he would be crossing about twenty boundaries. On the other hand, Virgil was looking worse and worse by the second. In the space of a few blinks, his expression had faded from a glare to half-lidded stupor.

Roman grimaced as he pressed the back of his hand against Virgil’s forehead. His bangs were damp and his skin felt like a hot pan just off the stove. Roman brushed his hand upwards, combing his fingers through Virgil’s hair.

Virgil’s gaze flicked over to meet Roman’s eyes, unfocused and filmy. But within those eyes, swimming in the purple beneath, Roman could see so much emotion, it almost hurt to look at.  Those eyes pleaded with him, so full of fear.

Roman sighed. He simply couldn’t say no that stare, “Yeah ok. You can keep the damn thing on. But we need to figure out a way to get your fever down.”

Virgil slumped sideways into Roman, pressing into him instead of the wall. The chills running through his body were so strong that Roman almost wondered if they were contagious somehow. He snuggled further against Roman, his head pressing into Roman’s shoulder.

Roman didn’t know what to do. What he wanted to do was wrap his arms around this strange little shadow and never let go. In reality, though, even this much contact was probably worsening Virgil’s temperature.

“Hey,” Roman shook Virgil’s far shoulder slightly to get his attention, “I had an idea. Would you be ok with just unzipping your hoodie? You wouldn’t have to take it off!”

Virgil responded by wrapping himself around Roman’s arm like some baby marsupial, “Too tired. Just wanna sleep.”

Roman could hardly hear Virgil’s muttering through the material of his own shirt. He sighed, “Yeah. Well too bad. Will you please just keep yourself from dying?”

“Ti-r-ed,” Virgil drew out the vowels like a whiny little kid.

“What- do you want me to do it?” Roman huffed out an exasperated laugh.

Against him, he felt Virgil shrug, “Sure.”

“Oh,” Roman hadn’t been expecting that answer. He had asked as a joke after all. Virgil had made such a big deal about keeping the sweatshirt on that Roman felt that he was crossing a line by even touching it.

Roman untangled Virgil’s arms for his and propped him against the wall. The boy moved as if he were a rag doll in Roman’s hands and it was nearly enough make Roman queasy. He scooted over so he was facing Virgil.

He watched him with those big eyes. Big, soft eyes. They carried so much uncertainty, always tracking Roman’s movement without ever shifting their gaze. But they held the weight of trust as well- feeling safe despite not knowing what Roman was going to do. Roman glowed under the trust, feeling like he had been awarded a treasure few could even find. At the same time, he was positive he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t know if he was doing the right things. How could Virgil seem so certain that Roman would help him if even Roman didn’t know that?

Roman reached forward, hands freezing as they hovered over the zipper that hung just below the dip of Virgil’s collarbone. This was weird. He knew these were “special circumstances” but still... it was weird. Roman cleared his throat, “Uh, sorry, this is just kind of awkward.”

Virgil mustered another glare, less deadly this time but still managing to clearly convey the message of Stop being such a useless gay.

Roman cleared his throat again. He probably sounded like he was developing a case of pneumonia, “Right. Sorry.”

Said useless gay took a deep breath and pulled the zipper down. Underneath, Virgil was wearing a plain black muscle tank to match the rest of his dark outfit. Roman had to give him credit for committing so strongly to the aesthetic. A part of him was still surprised that Virgil’s hoodie wasn’t hiding some kind of green alien body.

“Surprised I’m not some kind of green alien?”

Roman realized he had been staring and immediately tried to find something else to look at. His brain apparently decided that the best solution was to reread the safety rules posted on the back wall. He could feel a blush rising to his face and he was pretty sure it had something to do with the way the tank top dipped lowly across Virgil’s chest and hung across his delicate collarbones.

Roman nearly started laughing at himself out loud. He sounded like a repressed Victorian maiden. What he going to do next? Maybe he would stomp his feet and start chanting Show me your ankle! Show me your ankle!

“Hey, help me with this?” Virgil’s strained voice brought Roman’s attention swinging back to the real world. He was trying to shrug the sweatshirt off his shoulders while still trying to move as little as possible.

Roman reached out again, probably too quickly. He was acting so strange. He wished his hands would stop shaking so much.

“Oh, Roman?” A sugar-sweet, poisoned voice floated into the shack just as Roman managed to get the last sleeve past Virgil’s elbow.

“Shit,” Roman hissed under his breath, “That’s my manager.”

Virgil’s eyes went wide but Roman didn’t have the time to reassure him. He threw the nearest thing over Virgil which happened to be a beach towel from the lost and found. It probably wouldn’t help his temperature at all, but at least Ms. Drakon wouldn’t see him.

Roman pulled out his winning grin as he stood up, “Why, hello, Ms. Drakon!”

She responded with an equally bright mouthful, but Roman wouldn’t dare to call it a smile, “Roman, it seems you have quite a crowd beginning to build up!”

He glanced over and suppressed a groan as he saw the trail of unhappy looking people that glared at him from an ever-growing line. He turned his attention back to Drakon, pointing down to the sign propped on the counter, “Yes, ma’am, I see that. I will make sure that they are all satisfied as soon as my break is over.”

Her eyes wrinkled as her mouth widened, but there was nothing friendly about them, “I think you’ve been on break long enough.”

“Yes, of course!” In Roman’s head, a large anvil had just landed on Drakon’s head.

Drakon disappeared into the crowd and Roman turned to the daunting line in front of him. The snake was headed by a group of 12 year old girls. They were easiest type to deal with. Bless their boyband obsessed hearts- they were probably the only reason the counter hadn’t been broken down by a mob of angry middle aged women with expired passes. He gave them a wink, “I’ll be with you ladies in a minute.”

Judging by the giggles that erupted as he sank down behind the counter, he had bought himself a minute or two.

“Hey there,” Roman was trying to be quiet but he was surprised at how soft his voice came out.

He pulled the towel away to find Virgil fast asleep. His breath was definitely starting to even out. The stupid hoodie pooled around him, still attached at the wrists. A tiny hint of a smile tugged at one side of his lips.

Roman ruffled his hands through Virgil’s hair, “Hang in there, buddy.”

He twirled around as he stood up, adding a little more dramatic flair than needed. He flicked the sign down with one finger. The smile he beamed at the crowd was genuine; this time he had something to smile about- even if he wasn’t quite sure what it was.

Another hour passed by with all of the ease of a root canal. A person told him they wanted a discount because their child had found a dead rat in a trash can. Roman tried to explain that it was a good thing it was in a trash can instead of anywhere else. The lemonade girl flipped someone off. She was Roman’s hero.

Virgil only began stirring by the end of it, blinking his eyes open like a owl in daylight. He looked around the shack like he was seeing it for the first time. His eyes were sharper than Roman had seen them before, glittering like obsidian now that they could focus.

Roman tried his best to concentrate on the customer in front of him, but he kept glancing back and grinning at Virgil. It was nice to see him looking more like a human and less like a very unhealthy zombie.

For what seemed like an eternity and a half, the customer refused to leave. Finally Roman made an under-the-table deal consisting of extra arcade tickets and a free voucher for lemonade just to get rid of them. He hoped the lemonade got spat in.

“Coast clear?” Virgil’s small voice came from what Roman had officially began calling Virgil’s Corner. He sounded different- probably because he wasn’t fighting for his life. His voice was still low, but the gravel in his tone sounded far more intentional and less like Holy shit I can’t breathe.

Roman turned around and leaned against the counter, “Ah! Sleeping Beauty awakes! How are you feeling?”

“Would I sound ungrateful if I said I feel like shit?”

Roman made an exaggerated act of thinking about it, “Just a little bit. But also honest.”

Virgil nodded and then looked down at the ground, letting a beat of silence fall between them. Roman got the feeling that Virgil had something to say, but they both had to wait for it to arrive.

Virgil began pulling the hoodie back up around his hunched shoulders, eyes still burning holes through the floor of the stall.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Roman sunk down to the floor, “Don’t put that thing back on. I just got you breathing right again- don’t make us start over from square one.”

He placed his hand against Virgil’s forehead again, “You still feel kinda overheated to me so-“

Roman stopped speaking as Virgil flinched away from the touch. His eyes darted around as if they couldn’t find a single safe place to land. He pulled his arms and legs in, tense and ready to- to do what, though? He looked like he wanted to hide, and run, and fight all at the same time. Virgil had quickly transformed into a cornered wild animal.

“Virgil, what’s wrong?” Roman spoke as softly and slowly as he could but tension was mounting within him as well. Had he done something wrong? Was Virgil hurt?

“They didn’t ask about me, did they?” Virgil spoke as if he didn’t want is voice to be heard.

“I’m sorry, who didn’t ask about you?”

“My group. The ones I came with. They both wear glasses and have brown hair and one’s shorter than the other and the taller one has freckles and was wearing a black button down and the other was wearing a blue shirt and- and,” Virgil’s voice broke and Roman’s heart along with it, “-and they’re my best friends.”

Suddenly Roman remembered the reason Virgil had shown up at his desk in the first place. It wasn’t the heat exhaustion- he had gotten lost.

Virgil succeeded in wrapped himself up in his sweatshirt. He curled into a tight ball, knees pulled against his chest and eyes just barely peeking above top of them.

“Hey, well, they’re probably looking around the fair for you. A lot of people don’t even know about my dumb little shack here! They’ll turn up eventually.”

Virgil shook his head, “They wouldn’t even look for me. They’ve probably left by now.”

“I really don’t think-“

Roman was cut off by Virgil launching himself onto him, wrapping his arms like a vice around Roman’s chest and digging his face into Roman’s shoulder. Shuddering sobs wracked Virgil’s body, all the panic and pain of today running onto Roman’s shoulder and staining his shirt with dark eyeshadow.

But Roman wasn’t thinking about that. He was hardly thinking at all. Roman was angry. Maybe angrier than he had ever been at that Drakon bitch or any of the customers that screamed at him or the kids who threw things at him or the teenagers who would snicker just loud enough so that he could hear them. That was trivial.

He was so mad. Mad at the pigs who stranded Virgil on his own, who apparently didn’t give a shit about his wellbeing, who made him feel so worthless that his immediate assumption was that they had left him behind.

Roman hoped they showed up. He would rip them to pieces.

He wrapped one arm around Virgil as tightly as he could and cradled the back of his head with his other hand. He didn’t want to let go; he wouldn’t let go. Roman could feel Virgil’s nails digging into his back as he gripped Roman’s shirt in fists.

Roman began rocking gently back and forth, moving his fingers through Virgil’s hair and letting his nails scratch softly against his scalp. Soon, Virgil’s sobs subsided into smaller hiccups. Roman could still feel hot tears soaking through his shirt.

They stayed huddled on the floor for a good minute before Virgil slowly raised his head, “I’m sorry, sometimes I get-“

“Hey, don’t be sorry,” Roman ran his thumb across Virgil’s cheek, brushing away the tears that ran down it. Like this, Virgil’s eyes looked ethereal, two pools of pure enchantment. Roman was sure he could spend the rest of his life memorizing the way the sunlight play against them.

“Excuse me?”

“Shit, shit, shit, damn it,” Roman knew he should have put his do not disturb sign up.

Virgil jerked his head up, “Patton?!”

Roman looked up to see another teenager about his age leaning over the counter. He was wearing glasses and a blue T-shirt with the Humane Society logo.

His face melted into a relieved smile as Virgil stood up, “Thank goodness we found you- we’ve been looking everywhere.”

He wrapped Virgil in a hug as yet another teenager appeared. He was taller, with eyes nearly as dark as Virgil’s, and he looked like he might sit down and begin discussing taxes with you at any moment.

This one nodded, “I created a systematic search pattern to use. Unfortunately, we were not even made aware of this place until a rather rude young lady at the lemonade stand directed us over here.”

The one called Patton let go of Virgil just long enough for the other to give him a quick hug before grabbing him into another embrace, “Oh we were so worried.”

Roman felt a pang in his chest. This was good, right? Virgil was safe now. And obviously his friends weren’t  the monsters Roman had assumed them to be. So it was all good. Yep. Definitely. Totally. Then why did he feel so damn sad?

“Yeah, yeah, I’m ok,” Roman looked up to see Virgil wiping off his face as the other two fussed over him, “I wouldn’t be though if it weren’t for Roman.”

The more serious one raised an eyebrow, “Who?”

Roman rose up from the ground, feeling sheepish for a reason he couldn’t explain, “Uh, that would be me.”

“Logan, Patton, this is Roman,” Virgil glanced over and gave him a warm smile, “He helped me out in more ways than one.”

Patton pulled Roman into a squeeze, wrapping his arms around his neck in a way that made Roman bend down, “Thank you so, so much.”

Logan took a moment from talking to Virgil in a tone to stare at Roman, “You got him to take off his hoodie?”

Roman escaped from Patton’s reach, “Uh, well, I think he kind of had heat exhaustion-“

Logan turned his attention back to Virgil, “But you don’t take that thing off unless you’re very comfortable with someone or-“

“Or really like them. Yeah, I know,” Virgil stared at the floor, a bright red rising to his face.

“Oh,” Roman wasn’t sure what else to say. He could feel a blush as deep as Virgil’s tinting his complexion.

Logan looked down at a watch wrapped around his wrist, “Thank you for helping our friend, but we really must be going now.”

“Right. Yes. Of course,” Roman nodded, trying to clear his head. The implications of what Logan had said were quickly replaced by gloom.

Roman hoped the sadness sitting in he’s chest like a lead weight didn’t carry into his voice. He swung open the gate and tried for a smile as Virgil stepped past him.

Roman watched as Virgil stepped down into the dirt, probably the last time he was ever going to see him. Roman almost let him get away. Almost.

“Hey, wait!” Roman leaned out and grabbed Virgil’s hand. He reached for his pocket and waved his phone, “Could I get your number?”

Virgil’s jaw dropped, “You had a phone this entire time?!”

Roman blinked dumbly at Virgil as realization hit him, “Oh my god, I did.”

Virgil looked off into the distance as if he  couldn’t process Roman’s lack of brain cells. At long last he began laughing. It started off as a snicker, developing into a full on cackle and finally dissolving into a wheeze. It was one of the ugliest laughs Roman had ever heard and some of the sweetest music he’d ever listened to. Virgil straightened up from where he had collapsed with his hands on his knees, “Oh my god; you’re so stupid.”

Roman felt his heart drop, “So that’s a no?”

“I didn’t say that either,” Virgil took a step forward and snatched the phone from Roman’s still out-stretched hand.

He gave it back after a few seconds of quick typing and seemed to be about to walk away, but froze, staring intensely at something on Roman’s shirt.

“What is it?” Roman craned his neck to find what Virgil was looking at.

“Well you’ve got something,” Virgil leaned forward, poking his hand against Roman’s chest for a moment before brushing it upwards and flicking Roman in the nose, “Right there.”

Before Roman hand a chance to react, Virgil had turned on his heel and was jogging to catch up with his two companions who were chatting at the gate. He watched as the group headed away, focusing on the purple hoodie in the middle until they turned a corner and Roman couldn’t stare anymore.

Heat still beat down from the summer sky, but Roman was sure that the warmth radiating from his chest could rival any sun.

If you want to join my Sanders Sides fic taglist just send me an ask or reply to this post :p

~ @phan-fander ~

[hufflautia]

Hope you’ve had a great day today 💛

funnily enough, i literally just stopped crying. today was a bad day, I don't know 

why but my anxiety was just quite bad today and I was panicking before school started. something happened in my first class and I overthink a lot, so my mind was like, “oh my god why did they write your name last, do they hate me, am I boring, am I forgetful, people are always forgetting about me” and “my teacher doesn't like me, why didn't he respond, I'm embarrassed, why did you have to say what you said??” my English teacher does these “mindfulness” moments in which we sit in silence for a minute and reflect on the day, and I literally started crying. after the minute ended, I just stopped bc I didn't feel like crying anymore, and suddenly my brain said, “ur so fake, ur just acting, why did u stop crying all of a sudden, u just want attention u crave attention ur such a faker!!” also I keep thinking about something that happened years ago with my dad, I don't rlly wanna get into it but I think it would be good if I just say it so that its not jammed in my head. basically, I was really young, like in elementary school; my dad asked me if i wanted to sleep in his room with him, and originally, my mom was sleeping with him and i shared a room with my little brother. however, i was like hmm maybe, and then my dad said, haha ill pay u 5 dollars. at the time, i said YAY OK but now i realized that's so fucking creepy, yall know what its insinuating right?? anyways, i said ok, bc it was just a change from the usual sleep schedule and i liked spending time w my dad, so my mom went to my brothers room (it was a king-sized bed so it was ok, it wasn't a small bed that we had to share or anything like that) and i went to my parents room. basically, what happened was that we went to sleep, and in the middle of the night, (the next part makes me feel so uncomfortable and i feel queasy writing it) my dad slapped my butt really really hard to the point where i woke up and i was like ?????? and then he rubbed it softly immediately afterwards. i didnt know what happened, and i told my sister the day after, and she was confused too. recently i was thinking about it and I'm still confused and a lot more uncomfortable with what happened. here is my theory and i was very upset by it bc no one would want to think things like this- maybe my dad likes hurting women during sex and it was a reflex that night, but once he realized it was me, he tried “soothing me” or some shit by rubbing my butt (i literally hate this, i hate the fact that this happened and i don't like typing it out). no one wants to think about their parents sex life so this was just disgusting to think about. also my brother and mom keep arguing and fighting with each other, and I'm sure i have trauma from hearing my parents argue all the time so i rlly don't like it when they fight. my brother has explosive anger and he literally screams at her, which is very disrespectful; however, she screams at him too and sometimes hurts him, which scares me. I'm not worried about my own safety, I just hate violence i hate abuse, that scares me. so much stuff has happened in my life, and it results in a lot of trauma and other stuff that i don't even know about. i just know im really fucked up, im damaged and it just all felt like crashing down on me today- like everything thats happened, i was feeling anxious for no reason, i was thinking about the past, and i started crying again while watching netflix after school, so i just kept crying and i talked to myself out loud about my day and why i was feeling the way i was. that did help to some extent, and after i did that, i stopped crying, and then my brain said “why do you shut off your crying so easily, you seem fake, you seem like you wanna be sad and cry just so that you can see your pretty little tears drip down ur face like an actress, ur so fake ur so fake ur faking it ur not actually sad”, and the hardest part was that i didnt even object to it bc i didnt feel like anything was real, i felt like i didnt know who i was. i was like ok bitch whatever maybe ur right maybe i am faking it. i dont even know how to explain it, but its like being tired of that nagging and negative voice that you just submit to it, and you say ok whatever sure i am faking it, but in truth, the sadness i was feeling was real and genuine. about 10 min ago, i saw that someone tagged me in a fanfic and while i was reading it, i literally started bawling. i guess it was bc i saw in my email inbox that people had sent me asks, and i was happy bc i thought that maybe the person who sent me the fanfic idea responded back with more details. i was anxious about that before, bc i was thinking, oh god what if they just never respond, what if they just dont care about u anymore. when i saw the asks notifications, i felt a lot of relief bc i thought to myself, oh phew ok people still care about u. when i was crying while reading the fanfic, i couldn't stop crying, it felt endless. i couldn't just stop crying like i had before, and it reminded me of the time when my mom was going out to meet someone that she met on a dating app, and it was in the earlier times when she started doing this; she had gotten involved with some terrible men in the past, men who catfished her and were rlly vulgar and gross. im sure this was somewhere in June, when i had just posted chapter 1 of the slytherpuff series bc when i was freaking out about the date, i wrote about it in my journal and i know that it was somewhere in June bc i wrote something like “mom is going out to meet someone and im nervous, please please please i hope shes ok and careful, im really nervous and scared, no one likes my writing, mom is probably in danger, oh god oh gosh”. it was just a whole bunch of negative and anxious thoughts, including how i was feeling about the whole situation with chapter 1, so that's how i know it was somewhere in June. anyways, basically i was really scared for my mom bc shes had a bad history with online men and i was scared that someone was gonna kill her. i read and listen to a lot of murder mysteries, so my mind was going absolutely wild. i remember on that day, i went to take a shower after writing that entry in the journal, bc showering makes me feel better. when i stepped into the shower i started crying bc i was really scared for her and i was hoping she was safe and ok but i was just feeling so scared so i was crying and i couldn't stop crying. that was the scary part because i just kept bawling and i couldn't stop like i usually do; my brain said ok that's enough, you’ve cried enough, but my heart just kept going on and on and my brain said ok ok jessica holy jesus that's enough and eventually i sucked it up and was kinda ok afterwards but still sad and numb. that was similar to what had happened about 20 min ago. also im sure i was also sad today bc yesterday, my mom talked to me about in-person college visits, and her demeanor was very rushed and controlling. she said, “ok jessica we’re gonna do the college visits, we’re gonna drive there, and your dad is gonna come home for that. tell him that you need to do that, ok? tell him we do the college visits together.” i said that colleges are doing virtual tours, and her facial expression was very strained, she was like “DO NOT TELL HIM THAT. dont tell him that, ok?!” and she was pointing her finger at me and everything. she said, “tell him we’re going to do the physical college tours, which colleges do you wanna visit??” and she kept telling me not to tell him about the virtual tours. it reminded me of whenever she told me to say this or that to my dad over the phone, and i was upset, like oh great ok so dad’s coming home and i dont even wanna see him bc i dont like him that much, and now im gonna have to lie bc dad is probably gonna already know about the virtual tours and im gonna have to pretend that none of the colleges are doing virtual tours. in essence, today was a terrible day. while i was crying my eyes out when reading the fanfic, i wanted to tell something, i wanted to reach out to lee and jolie, but my brain said that i would burden them, im always telling them about stuff that happens (concerning my family or other stuff) and its probably getting too much for them.  my brain said that they wont be able to help anyway, im still gonna have to deal with the stuff im dealing with, and no one can help. that's a sad thought, it seems so helpless and sad. sometimes i overthink the smallest things, and when i see a text from lee and jolie that doesnt seem “right”, i think, oh gosh they hate me now, why did i have to say that?? i usually see my therapist every Thursday, aka today, but we didnt meet this time bc her schedule is becoming busy so now we’re gonna do it every other week, so next week i shall see her. perhaps she can help. 

thank you for this ask, it seemed so out of the blue bc no one rlly sends asks like this anymore. while writing this, i literally thought to myself, shes like an angel sent from heaven

[confessionsofaromanticidiot]

Lord Voldemort - The reason why you should never ignore red flags in a relationship!

Disclaimer J.K. Rowling please don’t sue me but yes, we did give my ex the nickname of the evil villain from Harry Potter. Let’s call him Jamie. Jamie had every red flag known to man but me stupidly ignored them all as only a deluded emotionally unstable woman can. Again, I look back on this relationship and wonder a few things:

1.       How the fuck did it last five years?

2.       Why did I put up with so much bullshit?

3.       How did I ignore every red flag thrown in my face?

I guess, even though Jamie was a red flag from day one, it was not always bad. Originally when we first start dating, I was actually the one that asked him out. Mistake number one, actually going on this date with the douche bag but as I said it was not always the horrendous shit show our last year together was. We ended up in a relationship for five years, it could not have been that terrible. He did tell me he loved me first, I said it back, but I didn’t really mean it at the time, but I was absolutely obliterated drunk and it just came out of my mouth.

Lesson number one people: NEVER SAY YOU LOVE SOMEONE IF YOU DON’T MEAN IT! I have had since Jamie and I’s break up almost two years ago, had at least two men said they love me, but I was not ready probably for good reason I suppose looking back on it now. (Including an extremely sexy French Doctor but we will come back to that train wreck later).

In five years, I faked nearly every orgasm yes, I know guys we aren’t meant to this, sex was not our strong point. I always was a very sexual person, but this battered my sexual confidence in a tiny box, tied an anchor to it and dumped it off a ship somewhere near the Bermuda triangle never to be seen again or so I thought. But he was kind and sweet, so I just sucked it up. I decided that this was a sacrifice I had to make because every other aspect of our relationship was so blissful (I am laughing as I type this). I kind of saw him as a fixer upper, he had a great job, family where AMAZING but lacked something to this day i cannot put my finger on it. He was never satisfied with anything in his life was always pushing for more or looking to others to see what they where doing in order to compare his life? I guess, I made the age old mistake of thinking I could change him. Also mistake number two, if he was never satisfied with the things in his life, why did I think I would be any different?    

The point of this section is guess is not to bitch about my ex but to teach people not to ignore all the RED FUCKING FLAGS. You will notice I make this mistake over and over in relationships but to a lesser extent (I’ll get there I promise), but I have also learnt from this relationship to cut and run when it feels wrong because guess what? If it feels wrong, it most likely is wrong and you trust your intuition a little more.

So, some examples of Jamie’s glaring RED FLAGS, that I made excuses for

1.       First night he met my best friend, we went to a night club and he hit on another girl in front of us and when I confronted him, he left us there.

2.       Suffered with Anxiety, not saying that this a red flag as I suffer too but he had a dependency on alcohol to get through social events but more often than not got completely obliviated. Which meant some of the things he said or did to me when drunk where forgotten about and therefore ignored or I was told it didn’t happen that he would never do such a thing because he loved me.

3.       I have PCOS (Yes, I know I am barrel of laughs right), at one stage when I was 27, I was told I could not have children (Which also turned out to be a misdiagnoses). I was devastated it was as though part of me died but he ignored and went drinking. Came home locked and woke me up had a massive argument after I had spent the best part of a day crying as though someone died. He did not seem to care.

4.    I was on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and I couldn’t really drink but yet dragged me to the pub every time and or was dubbed BORING because I didn’t want to go.

5.  SEX became non-existent (Not that it was that great anyway but.._). Mainly due to the fact he was getting it from somewhere else for the last 7 months of our relationship.

6. Our last valentine day together, he used his brother as excuse to go have a night out with the other me in a hotel. Sidebar Jamie’s brother suffered with mental illness and used the fact that if something was to happen to him on our wedding day (Thank Christ that never happened), I would tell him to help him to go to cheat on me the sick bastard.

7.  Point above continued, the kicker the Friday after I covered his room with tea lights and tried to make it romantic because we missed valentine’s day. He came home drunk (Feel the trend) and had a massive argument with me. Gut punch hadn’t even written my Valentine’s day card three days after the actual day!

8.  When we EVENTUALLY broke up, he compared me to sturdy house, that’s amazing but how do you know you want that house and not the house next door! (Rolling my eyes as I type this)

If I look back on it now, point one with my emotional maturity I would have told him to Fuck right off and never see him again. Right but I was 25, had been cheated on before so was emotionally vulnerable. I was stupid, I left that relationship  with a lack of self confidence and he was cute so I looked past a lot.  As we got older, we changed and became really different people but neither of us recognized it. Well, we did but neither of us wanted to be the bad guy, so it got ignored for another year.

Now, I am not excusing the fact I ignored it too, I should have cut and run on one of the above points not allowing it get to points 6 through 8 and there were others also not mentioned. But when you are in relationship that you are constantly making excuses for people’s behavior, it becomes your default. Never do this, never let something in a relationship become a default behavior. Due to the fact someone’s bad behavior becomes normalized, you begin to believe this is just the way we are but guess what it is not how you are!!

Also, I had my part to play, I am not angel let’s be honest a relationship does not go to shit from one person being a dick head. It takes two Tango! I gave up trying to have sex with him and bought a vibrator. It gave me more orgasms anyway. When I stopped trying bar once or twice, he didn’t even try. He will never admit it, but he stopped being attracted to me physically, to be honest I don’t blame him for it. I was put on two courses of steroids prior to starting the HRT, I got to my heaviest weight and my own mental health started to decline. I would not look in mirror and who wants to be with someone that is constantly jabbing themselves with needles or crying because your jeans don’t fit anymore. Plus, I am not going to sugar coat this in any way I was an absolute CUNT on HRT. Mood swings alone was enough to make some of my family members stay clear never mind anyone else.

Does this excuse in anyway what he did? Of course not, but if I was the person I am today, point one might have given a second chance not to be himself basically and when that eventually happened, I would have left. Now, at one point I was so duped that I had a life planned for us but again as we got older our plans became very drastically different. Personally, my own life experiences made me want different things and I went through a lot of stuff that no person not just a woman should go through in their lifetime. But I matured much quicker even than some of my friends, so we were naturally at odds. 

When we eventually broke up again it never really was a final argument either, I just knew I never wanted to see him ever. I realized that I cried once and it was more out of anger that he had used his depressed brother as an excuse to cheat on me. That was all that annoyed me about the entire thing, when I finally removed myself from the situation, I felt like I could breathe again. 

Learning out comes, never ignore red flags, or try to identify them enough in the relationship which can be hard to do because of the honeymoon phase. Never make excuse for someone’s bad behaviors, let them live with the consequences. Be the bad guy, if you are not feeling a relationship anymore, for god sake leave before someone gets hurt. To be honest, Jamie gifted me a get out of jail card by cheating on me to leave without acknowledging part of the fault it was all on him. But no, I gave up too the cheating was just the golden ticket I needed to get out of a toxic relationship. Never allow your emotions to be manipulated, in the manner I did it took a very long time after this relationship for me to actually fully and wholly trust a man with my heart. 

It’s sad really, that it came to this. If one of us had of been braver there would not have been so much damage not caused at all. But I guess my experience and reflection has brought me to you, my only hope is by documenting my mistakes, some of you may not go down the same path.

[bressa]

Productivity vs Anxiety

Good day to you (: 

I wasn’t going to post anything today because I didn’t do anything aesthetic that would look pretty here. I’ve got some foliar area to measure and I use ImageJ for that. And there are thousands of pictures still to go. It is the boring part of working with plants, but I like everything else, so that measures up. I also decided to give you a short list for things I do when I can’t study because of my anxiety. For me, it is difficult when I sit in front of my computer to get stuff done and I just can’t do it, and the more I try the more it gets worst. I suffer from this for a long time now, and I came to realise what I need to do to couple with what I’m feeling at that moment. It doesn’t make the anxiety go away, it doesn’t make the physical symptoms to shut off at once, but with some time, I can come back to work feeling good. Well, this is what I do: 

–   First I struggle. Even going through this for many years, I still try to force myself working for some days before realising what I really have to do. By forcing myself to a certain state, it gets worse. If you’re not feeling ok to do something, even though you love it, don’t feel ashamed. Don’t make less of yourself because of that. It is natural, it is ok. There is only so much our body can take – or make – at once, and the same goes for our brains, our minds. If you need a rest, step away a bit. 

–   By realising that going on with what I should be doing is making me more ill, I stop doing it. At first, not really, as I keep blaming myself for not doing it, but then that feeling goes away. I accept better my situation; I try to do what I like doing but within some boundaries. For example, I love reading. But as I know myself better and better with time, I know that by reading a story that I love today will probably make me to not want to read that paper tomorrow (when I’m in this state only). So, I don’t read. Hence, you have to listen your body and your inner self, get to know you and answer accordingly. Remember: you don’t have to accomplish it all at once. Living is enough. 

–   The next thing is turning off my mobile. Even when you’re feeling well again, let it off for a couple more of days. I can’t explain how much that helps. But don’t just turn it off and keep thinking about what messages may there be, or what is happening on Instagram. Let it go. Shake it off your system for the time being. 

–   Things don’t have a right order here, but for my “mentally resting time” I really just let myself be. I’m an introvert that in some occasions behaves like an extrovert, and I do love building friendships. So, if you feel like it, hang out with your friends, go explore some place new – in the wild or not – run, exercise, yell, or simply do some gardening, play with your pet, hug whoever you love, read that book, meditate, sleep even. Just find what works out for you to let all that tension go away and leave space for new feelings, memories, accomplishments. I personally like playing with my cats, I find that alongside with meditation and gardening the most powerful tools. But that is for me. You should experiment. 

–   So, I rested a couple of days, probably didn’t talk to anyone but my parents and pets, and I feel better. It may take you a few more days to get to that point or not, but know it will happen – but, of course, you have to want to. Then I take another day “off”, but not exactly. I just try to let myself realise that I am rested, I am well, everything is ok inside-out and that the next day is a work day. I don’t rush anything, I don’t plan anything (making plans get me so so so exhausted and anxious every time) I just do some calming stuff as the past days, but start doing something that is actually work. Something easier or that I simply don’t mind if I do it all wrong and have to redo the next day. That is the point: allow yourself doing something without caring about perfection. I postponed the very existence of this tumblr for years because I wanted it to be perfect, and it never seem to be right time for me to doing so. And now, I’m finishing my masters! How much could I have done?! Don’t try to be perfect! You’re awesome and what you do is awesome. 

–   The next day, is a work day. I wake up earlier than I would for planning that day only. Take small steps. If you feel ok by planning, then go ahead and plan your whole week. If I do that, I guess my brain wants to do it all in 5 minutes. It doesn’t work well. So I don’t do that anymore, unless I really have to. I specifically don’t do that when I’m anxious. When I’m in this state I just think about that day or the next day. I’m trying to work on my self-discipline for that all ~ planning the whole week hour by hour ~ and actually doing it, so if you have any tips, please let it in the comments. I appreciate that very much. Anyways, I woke up earlier, had a nice cup of coffee, and planned my day. Then I actually start my day, by doing what have to be done, but in that more positive mindset. At the end of the day, I plan the next day. And so on. 

It takes me 6 days more or less to get back to normal. And even after that, I try to keep myself in that mindset of acceptance, that I don’t have to hurry things and all. But, honestly, it doesn’t last long. Or not as long as I wish it would. But I actually don’t feel bad for a pretty good time, months even. Things just get back to normal, but eventually I have to stop and do it all again. Remember that I’m human. That I can do whatever I want, but it doesn’t have to be all at once, or in a specific amount of time, or in a specific way. I’m allowed to make mistakes, and I shouldn’t care about being judged, because even if I just try, I’m worthy and precious only for doing so. 

I hope this helps anybody that needs it. I don’t have professional tips. I’m not saying these are the right thing to do, but it is something that have helped. It is fine, only natural, to not feel bright and be productive all the time. No matter what, you’re worthy, you’re precious.

[ajokeformur-ray]

Worst joke yet // J x Lilith x Pat.

Summary: Self-loathing is creeping in and making itself known. You feel sick, heavy. Disgusting. Your feelings are real and valid and important and they carry as much weight as something tangible and real. J and Pat love jokes and anecdotes as much as you, but there’s one topic which they do not find funny; and that’s the topic of your self-perception.

A/N: Darling, I am so, so sorry. You are so beautiful, inside and out. I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened and everything that you’ve ever gone through. You’re so strong and so brave and I just know that J, Pat, Loki, Eric and Heath love you so, so much and they’re so very proud of you, just as I am.

Unedited because I saw your post and I had to do something. My heart’s bleeding for you. I love you.

Word count: 2, 470. (Don’t you dare tell me off or feel guilty; you deserve all of this and more).

You woke up feeling like you hadn’t slept at all.

You felt heavy, weighed down by your own existence. Most days was it just your mind which you had troubles dealing with; traumas, pains, worries, fears, anxieties, doubts, mental illnesses... all these and more threatened to poison you against yourself each and every day, and though you struggled silently, you still lived. You still exerted an extreme effort to get through every day as best as you could and though you never felt like it was enough for anyone, including yourself, you still fell into bed for brief naps at various points of the day knowing that you had tried. 

Sometimes was it more than enough to just try. Sometimes was trying the bravest, most selfless thing you could do. You could admit to yourself that you weren’t trying for you, but rather were you trying for your two greatest loves: Patrick Verona and J. You lived every single day for them, your daily goal was to make them proud of you. You knew, somewhere deep within yourself, that you never had to try to make them proud of you, that they simply and most naturally were just because you were you, but even still did you push yourself, to do more and to be more. You could also admit, even to yourself, that you never felt like you were enough.

But today... oh, today you had woken up hating your body. Your entire body was just... too much. You lay under the bedsheets, intensely aware of the material against your bare legs. Even laying down you just felt so heavy. You were so painfully aware of every single part of you which was resting against the mattress. Ugh, you felt so disgusting and awful. Inside your head did you murmur an apology to J and to Pat... why did they put up with you? You couldn’t even offer them your body as compensation for who you were, hell, even for who you weren’t. You just weren’t ever enough no matter how hard you tried; no one was ever satisfied with you, least of all you, and your body was supposed to be the highlight of your existence, the very best of you... 

And you couldn’t even do that.

You felt the sting of tears in your eyes and you sighed, rolled over and burrowed your face into Pat’s section of your pillow. There were two pillows; yours and J’s. Pat never used his and it often got chucked to the end of the bed at night; so close to the both of you did Pat lay that his head rested on your pillow and on J’s. The scents of apples, of stale cigarette smoke, of cheap but spicy cologne, of Pat, and then of gasoline, gunpowder, greasepaint and of an undertone of sweat, of J, all came together into one heady scent and you pushed your face into the crease where the two pillows met so that you could feel both of your loves all at the same time.

Oh, how desperately you wanted them with you. You knew not where either of them were. Of course they’re gone when I need them most, you thought bitterly. You felt so badly within yourself that you couldn’t bring yourself to even let yourself think of your loves. What was the point? There was nothing good about you, physically or mentally. So, then why - 

“Well, good morn-ing, beautiful.” You almost jumped as J spoke from the doorway, his head tilted at such an angle that his ear was almost touching his shoulder as he walked over to you with careful, measured steps. As he reached you, a hand came to brush errant strands of dark hair away from your face, “And you are... beautiful.”

“Hi, J.” You smiled as best as you could for J, you did, but he squinted at you, disbelieving. So well did he know you that he knew even without you saying anything that you weren’t okay, that you needed him. You rolled closer to J, wanting more of all of him, and J grunted as his hand curved to the shape of your cheek, his gloved finger stroking soothingly. His movements were as calculated as his steps had been, making a concerted effort to be gentle to you. If only he knew that he already was gentle with you; he had some innate softness, especially when it came to you. It was so special just how deeply he loved you and Pat.

“What’s bitin’ ya, doll? Ya’ just woke up. C’mon, scooch over, and - Minty!” J got underneath the duvet with you as he called for Pat, making sure to not be too loud, his arms immediately encircling your waist. You sighed, both wanting to move away from J’s touch and wanting to sink into it, and almost as soon as he had been called, the younger man came barreling into the room, dark curls flying. He had been waiting. For you. Pat would always be there for you when you needed him, no matter what.

“What? What’d I miss? Ah - hey, sleeping beauty.” Pat winked at you and you smiled, you smiled, feeling some of that heaviness leave you soul as you took in Pat’s echoing smile. J growled lightly; pleased was he that you had actually smiled. It meant that you weren’t too far down the rabbit hole of your own mind.

“We got a, uh - situation with our hyena. She’s not, ah - not good.”

Immediately did Pat’s bright eyes hone in on you, a look of tender love and understanding in his eyes. “What is it, love?” As he spoke did he make his way over to the bed, climbing in on the other side of you so that you were safely and perfectly cushioned between your two greatest loves. Their fingers were interlocked over your waist, Pat’s leg between yours and J’s chest firmly pressed to your back. All of Pat was aligned to your front and all of J was aligned to your back. You were sandwiched in the best way between your koala and your clown.

Pat tipped his head so that he could press a firm, loving kiss to the very centre of your forehead, right between your eyebrows, and J mumbled something as he kissed the back of your head, leaning forward slightly so that he could nuzzle his face into your neck, his full lips pressing open mouthed kisses to the skin there. There was nothing sexual in this, but it was reassuring; J was telling you that he was there with you, that he was right beside you, that he wasn’t going anywhere. And though he didn’t say those three words, spoken too little and yet not enough, you knew, you knew what J was saying to you.

“Talk to us, babydoll. Tell daddy what’s wrong, hm?”

“I hate myself.” Those three words, like venom, dripped off the end of your tongue and shocked both Pat and J. 

Pat inhaled sharply and mumbled a truly heartbroken “no” as he started to slowly pepper your face with kisses, and J’s fingers tightened on your skin as he growled lowly. “That is a ba-ad joke, Lilith.” The way J drew out the word immediately told you that he knew how serious this was.

You shook your head, feeling the sting of tears in your eyes both at the gentleness from Pat and the roughness from J; so similar yet so contrasting were they. “I’m not joking.” Your tears fell hot and fast down your face but they never poured further down your cheeks than the end of your nose, so attentive and so efficient was Pat at catching those tears. “I mean it. I hate everything. I hate my voice... it’s not pretty like other girls. My gross stomach, ugh I just want to use your knife and cut it all off.” Insecurity after insecurity poured from your lips and your boys listened in silence, their bodies too still against yours, their faces too composed. “And I’m not even anything special, my hair is such a bad colour and I just - “

“Enough.” J growled the word through almost gritted teeth as he moved so that he was kneeling beside you on the bed. Pat remained closed with you, pressing kiss after kiss after kiss to your face, his lips replacing those salty tear streaks with marks of real love. “Look, listen, - “ J reached down and patted the top of your head, his gloved fingers smoothing your hair away from your face, “It ain’t easy having what you have and doing what ya’ do. And to top it all off, your body - “ his eyes moved appreciatively over your body, a gleam in his dark eyes which you had seen many a time since you had become involved with him, “gets ya through it all. Ya’ don’t gotta eat less, that’s stupid. Ya’ll just feel worse. Ya’ gotta eat, doll, so enjoy one of life’s many pleasures, hm? And - the makeup? Babydoll, you. are. beautiful. You don’t need that on ya face. Unless you want to.” J shrugged easily, “Telling ya’ to diet, too, is also stupid. Your body is clever, hm? It knows what it needs and when... so give it what it wants. Don’t deny yourself anything. Your body is yours and you’re mine - so take care of you. All of you.” J began to click his ‘T’s towards the end of his speech, truly angered was he by the way you were talking about yourself, even though he didn’t understand why. He cared nothing for physical appearance and he didn’t see why you did, either, but he would be there for you. It was the least he could do.

While J was making his point, kneeling on the bed beside you, almost looming over you - he needed to see your face, he needed to see that you understood -  Pat was still pressing kisses to your face, your neck... anywhere and everywhere he could reach did Pat leave kisses. As Pat continued to kiss you, J laid back down beside you, the moment of Absolute Attention acquired, and bit off his gloves one by one, peeling them off and leaving his hands bare. Fingers splayed so that he could touch as much of you as he could in one go did J’s hands travel up and down your body like the well known, beloved terrain that it was, fingers squeezing your thighs, rubbing at your stomach; avoiding, of course, all those areas you didn’t want to be touched, couldn’t be touched for reasons better left unsaid. He loved on you with just his hands, appreciating, while Pat whispered compliments which contradicted every negative thing you had just said.

“You’re beautiful, Lilith.” A kiss to the centre of your forehead. “Intelligent.” A kiss to your right temple. “Funny.” A kiss to your right cheek. “Compassionate.” A kiss to the right corner of your mouth. You tilted your face to the side, wanting, but Pat was determined to finish making his own point, outspoken was he. “Generous.” A kiss to your left temple. “Hardworking.” A kiss to your left cheek. “Kind.” A kiss to the tip of your nose. “Stubborn - not a bad thing, you know. Sometimes it’s important to stick to your truth.” A kiss to the left corner of your mouth. “Ours.” Finally, finally, did Pat claim your lips with his in a fiery kiss which left your head spinning, unable to think of your own name were you.

J’s hands finally stilled on your body but he didn’t let you go. J would never let you go, especially if he knew that you were feeling the way that you were. “My turn.” As Pat pulled away, J’s hand slid gracefully up your arm, fitted to the curve of your shoulder and then up, skipping your neck entirely before he cupped your chin in one hand and turned you around to face him completely so that he could kiss you, your toes curling into the duvet.

As he pulled away, the tip of his painted nose brushing against yours, J said, “Stop tearin’ yourself down, would ya? Life’s much easier when ya’ on your own side, Lil.” 

You weren’t entirely convinced and you did still feel bad, but you trusted J and Pat. They’d never lie to you, not ever.

“We love you, Lilith.” Pat glared playfully at J when the older man grunted and rolled his eyes. “You’ve never disappointed me and I’ve never not been proud of you, and I know it’s the same for that grumpy man over there.” His smirk was positively dazzling and though J grumbled and burrowed into your back, J let it slide. This wasn’t about him, this was about you and you needed the both of them so badly. “Don’t ever let anyone, ever, make you feel like you don’t deserve to feel good about yourself, about your body. You are... wow.”

J scoffed at Pat’s lack of articulation but you all knew what he meant.

“Thank you, Peppermint.” You kissed him tenderly, affectionately, and you felt Pat smile against your lips, your own curving upwards in response. “And you -” You reached a hand back, fingers sliding into slightly greasy hair. You’d get him into the shower later, no matter what he said, “Thank you.” J’s arms only tightened around you.

“We got’cha. You’re not something we put up with or something to deal with or any of that other stuff ya’ thinkin’. You’re you and you have us because of that.” His inflexions suggested offense, insulted was he by the way you were insulting yourself.

“I’m sorry.” Despite J’s words, you were feeling that way, and J shushed you roughly, the harsh sound almost drowned out Pat’s coo of love and of understanding. You hadn’t said much, not really, and though they had listened to what you said, they responded to what you hadn’t, so emotionally intuitive were they and so intimately did they know you.

You weren’t okay, and you wouldn’t be for a while, but that was okay. For the hyena had her koala and her clown, and that was the way it was always meant to be. The three of you were soulmates, for better or for worse, and through it all would you stand tall with each other, safe in the knowledge that you were enough just because you were you. You were safe, in this moment, safe and protected and loved. You were always, always enough, for the simple fact that you were you. And you, dearest Lilith, are beautiful inside and out in every single way.

[cupidmarwani-archive]

Smoking

Nat: Was anyone going to tell me that Crockett was a parent

Nat: Or was I just supposed to find that out from his mental breakdown today myself?

Ethan Choi: ?????

connor: @crickett

crickett: yeah her name is nunya

Queen Elsa: I know where you’re going with that and it’s not very nice

crickett: neither is having ur coworker tell everyone about ur dead daughter lmao

Nat: I didn’t know…

crickett: well do u see me bopping up to work with a six year old nat

Dr. Lanik: Let’s all take a deep breath

no-ah: insensitive!

April: Noah woke up this morning, he’s still intubated but he’s able to text

Nat: That’s good news, right?

Bekker: Sorry I’m still caught up on the Crockett thing

crickett: why are yall in my business fuck off

FreeWilly: watch your profanity

Dr. Lanik: @Nat @Bekker as you’re both parents as well you should know better than to be so insensitive about what’s clearly an emotional subject. We’re not going to talk about this unless Crockett wants to.

Crickett: @Dr.Lanik i respect u and u only.

no-ah: topic change -- what crusty mother fucker made me bleed into my lungs

Bekker: Med Student

April: This is why I don’t think we should have let a med student do it

Other Bekker: piping hot tea today ig

connor: u consented to med students

no-ah: fair

crickett: anyone in this thread smoke weed

Other Bekker: jhjgfjhgf

Other Bekker: ((yes))

Other Bekker: ((are you allowed to smoke?))

crickett: yes can we hotbox ur car after work

Ethan Choi: >:(

connor: hotboxing doesn’t mean sex babe it just means they smoke inside with the windows rolled up

Bekker: That’s bad for your lungs

Other Bekker: to be fair im trying to make sure i dont smoke around our daughter

Bekker: Fair point

Dr. Lanik: No smoking weed!

FreeWilly: what are you a cop

crickett: call the cops bitch ill have sex with them

Maggie <3: Is anyone else invited to your lil smoking session

Nat: @Maggie<3 ??????

Maggie <3: What? I have a med card, it actually really helps with the physical (and mental!) side effects of chemo. And honestly, getting high with Crockett sounds like a lot more fun than putting CBD oil under my tongue, taking a couple pills, and going to bed.

crickett: mags is welcome but the rest yall can perish

Other Bekker: @crickett you bring the food ill bring the weed

Other Bekker: @Maggie<3 bring your beautiful self

crickett: i love bonding <3

no-ah: homophobic that i wasnt invited

April: YOU ARE IN THE HOSPITAL WITH PNEUMONIA

no-ah: and?

-

Ethan Choi: I didn’t know Crockett had a daughter

Connor Rhodes: me neither. u would think hed tell us

Ethan Choi: I mean, if she’s dead it makes sense he wouldn't wanna talk about it

Ethan Choi: Maybe that’s why he came here

Ethan Choi: Should we bring it up?

Connor Rhodes: u do realize hes still staying with sarah and ava right

-

Other Bekker: UPDATE

Other Bekker: everyone should smoke with @crickett at least once

Dr. Lanik: This is a work groupchat

FreeWilly: i say this with love… baby please smoke a joint it would vastly improve your quality of life and everyone elses

Ethan Choi: You better not be using one of those dab pens(?) they can damage your lungs

[Other Bekker has sent an image to the chat]

Other Bekker: ofc not we’re using a bong with a vagina on it

April: Why are you like this

April: Noah is now showing me where you bought it

April: First of all I don’t need a bong, second of all, why would I want one with that on it, third of all, why does Noah know where to buy genital themed drug products

Nat: I love you but take a moment to think about it

Dr. Lanik: Is there anyone in this chat who isn’t smoking weed

Queen Elsa: Me but I kind of want to try

April: Natalie and I don’t

Ethan Choi: I don’t

Bekker: I don’t anymore

Dr. Lanik: Well I don’t care if some of you are, just keep it out of the work chat please?

-

Doctor Malpractice: Sarah can we actually stop talking about it 

Doctor Malpractice: it’s making jimmy uncomfortable

Sarah: yeah np ill bring it up to crockett and maggie too

-

Queen Elsa: Can I vent?

crickett: go for it

Queen Elsa: All due respect to Dr. Charles, he fucking sucks and treats me like a toddler. I get that he’s trying to do his job, but he does know that I’m literally also a person with anxiety and autism and I guarantee I understand them better than he does. He always makes me feel guilty for trying to help patients, and a couple weeks ago he was acting like I was crazy but I’m not. It just makes me feel like such shit.

Other Bekker: first of all go off

Other Bekker: second of all i know how you feel. he was like that with me too. it really sucks and ive got your back if you need anything at all

Queen Elsa: Thank you <3

Maggie <3: I’ve never seen you use a heart emoji! That’s so adorable

Queen Elsa: And you’ll never see me do it again.

Dr. Lanik: If you want, I can talk to him about it. We’re both department heads, but at the end of the day, it’s /my/ ED and he can’t treat you like that.

Queen Elsa: That’s really not necessary and would probably end with me crying when he confronts me about it so no thanks, but I appreciate the offer.

crickett: just let us know if u need anything hon

Ethan Choi: There’s still leftovers of Crockett’s latest seafood extravaganza so if you want me to bring you lunch tomorrow I can

Queen Elsa: Crockett’s been bringing me lunch, I’m okay.

Other Bekker: we eat like kings now at my house

Other Bekker: the kid adores him too. calls him uncle kett and everything

connor: that is too cute

-

HUBBY: Hey

HUBBY: When are you coming home? Connor and I miss you

-

Dr. Bekker (Brunette): hey maggie elsa and i are gonna go to the beach and get high tonight wanna come

Crockett: hell yeah

-

Dr. Lanik: @EthanChoi @connor @Bekker come to the ED immediately. @April find Maggie and Elsa’s emergency contacts. 

Dr. Lanik: EMT just brought in victims of a car crash. Maggie, Elsa, Sarah, and Crockett

Nat: Oh my God.

[mollydollyjournals]

So. On Sunday 22nd November I drank 2 bottles of wine because I just felt like shit and that's how it goes. On the Monday, I had a bad hangover but was okay. And I was glad I was okay and not super sick because that is never fun.

On the Tuesday I woke up with a horrific migraine. Every time I moved I felt like my brain was exploding. In hindsight, it was probably swollen. The headache kept getting worse and other symptoms showed up and by Thursday morning I had extreme head pain, various abdominal pain, severe nausea, I couldnt stay awake longer than a few hours, could barely concentrate or talk, and my bones felt cold. Idk how else to describe it. Just felt like I was freezing from the inside out.

So I figured I was dying. I've had liver failure before and it didnt take that long to recover - I did at least continually get better after drinking. But this time it was getting worse over time. That's also consistent with my knowledge of how su*c*de by overdose commonly works. But I could barely move, hospital is an extremely stressful place for me as it is, they weren't guaranteed to do anything and I'd likely just wait there for hours and maybe just die in the waiting room, plus there's a pandemic so they're understaffed and I'm at high risk for catching it.

Hb eventually called a few health service places and I got an emergency blood test for that afternoon. Luckily I also recovered enough to get there and have my blood taken and all. Then I just had to go recover.

I only really started to feel okay yesterday, Wednesday 2nd December, a week and a half after I drank. Of course, yesterday was also the day hb's anger issues made a grand reentry and I considered leaving/kicking him out, and instead I drank. I didn't drink a lot. I don't think I can right now. At one point in the week I had a couple of mouthfuls of low alcohol wine just to deal with withdrawal, and it made me feel sick and my head started hurting so much. So I only had a bit yesterday by usual standards (equivalent maybe 2 glasses of regular wine) but it was enough and I still feel a little hungover today.

So. That's where I've been.

I'd reached and plateaued at 156.6lbs and my body wouldn't go lower. My waist was 29in. While I was at my most ill I could stand long enough to weigh myself, but at one point later I was 156 and felt like I'd gained. Even though I'd been lying down eating carbs. Liver disease makes you lose weight. Of course part of me wanted to just lose more. But liver disease also makes you retain fluid, so my waist got bigger even though I weighed less. At the moment, I'm 158.2lbs and my waist has gone up to 31in, and my face is super round and fat.

I've avoided Tumblr because I knew I had to recover physically enough to be able to do anything first. I knew I had to eat high calorie carby food and I wasn't going to manage it I saw thinspo and such. I also already feel disgusting enough with my belly and face being so fat, especially so suddenly after getting to a lower weight. I even ate some meat (I'm normally vegetarian).

Im just about okay to do some things now. I did a lot of housework yesterday, or at least a lot for recent standards. Tomorrow I'm going to see bf for the first time in ages. I've been so alone and he has too and I've just been struggling so hard not to drink. But I'm also super nervous because I just have anxiety and I'm so so fat.

I guess he won't notice. I'm about the same as last time I saw him. And that's so discouraging for me. I could have been less. I had such a good first week of my 28 day thing and then I fucked up so much worse than I even thought I would. Now I'm worse than when I started. Although I weigh slightly less than 160 or 163 or whatever, it's not much, and I'm still bigger. Because of all the fluid retention. I feel like I'm pregnant.

I took a stimulant lax because I can't stand it. But I also ordered some osmotics that arrives today so I'm going to do that next week. It'll be timed with my period. I've done the basic recovery from whatever the fuck happened a couple of weeks ago. Now I need to do a bit of a cleanse and get acquainted again. Get rid of all the fluid and replenish vitamin stores etc. By the end of my period I want to be able to get back to this properly.

I just can't believe I fucked up so badly. I'm so ashamed of myself. I feel really alone. I'm trying to get therapy again for drinking and I really hope it helps. At least a little.

For now I guess I'm just going to get back to sharing thinspo and such, do more than lying in bed, stop eating meat and heavy carbs, get back to my usual a bit. I feel so stupid.

[lailaliquorice]

throw kindness around like confetti

did I just write over 4k words on periods? yes, yes I did

so this was fun, inspired by this post from @soft-boi-six. periods are hell on earth as I’m sure anyone with a uterus will agree and I love jane being the mother hen/period fairy just as much as I love everyone deciding it’s her turn for a little tlc. never written a 5+1 fic before but I actually quite enjoyed it bc I could get each of the little bits done pretty quickly. tagging @tenpin-boleyn bc it was her suggestion that this should be written that ended in this c:

Living in a house with six women meant that periods were a common thing being dealt with. And as not only the assigned mum friend of the group but also the one who seemed to suffer the least every month, Jane had very willingly taken on the additional position of ‘the period fairy’. She already kept a close eye on her friends to make sure they looked after themselves so it was easy to add another thing to her watch list, and was always on hand with anything they needed when the time came.

I.                     

Headaches and migraines were something that Catherine dealt with often. It hadn’t been hard to work out that they were linked to her emotions, since anxiety attacks were often plagued by stabbing pains at each temple and stressful days would usually trigger tension headaches that made it near impossible to do anything. But by far the worst were the skull-splitting migraines that accompanied her periods, leaving her bedbound for at least a day each month as the slightest movement was agony.

They always arrived like clockwork around an hour after she woke up on the first day, giving her enough time to get herself prepared and bunk down in her bed before the worst of the pain arrived. Occasionally she had less warning though, and when she was woken up one morning by a pulsating agony on one side of her head she knew it was going to be bad.

For a few minutes she stayed absolutely still and tried to breathe through the pain, terrified that if she sat up it would make everything so much worse. But she knew she had to get up before she could cocoon herself in her duvet for the rest of the day. With immense effort and a lot of stifled groans she forced herself to sit up, pausing for a moment on the edge of her bed to regulate her breathing again before she dared to stand up.

After the necessary bathroom trip she embarked on the mammoth task of getting downstairs, eyes only open a crack to look where she was going as the bright lights of the kitchen assaulted her vision. Every noise felt like thunder as she fumbled around in the medicine cabinet for the painkillers she needed, planning on just grabbing them and a glass of water before getting herself back into bed.

“Catherine?”

She let out a cry of pain as the voice sent agony shooting through her skull, clamping both hands over her ears and hunching forwards.

There was quiet for a moment before a gentle hand touched her shoulder. “I’m sorry love, it’s just me,” Jane whispered, and slowly Catherine was able to drop her hands when the pain subsided a little. “Caught you off guard, has it?”

“Mhm,” Catherine hummed. She couldn’t look at Jane, her chin on her chest as she kept her eyes shut against the pain.

“Here, let me help,” said Jane, nudging Catherine into taking a couple of steps backwards before she took over rummaging through the cupboard. Quickly she found the migraine tablets that Catherine got from the doctor, frowning when she looked inside and saw the box almost empty. “Did you set that reminder on your phone I asked you to last month?” she asked quietly, tutting a little when Catherine shook her head. She’d suggested a tracking app so that Catherine knew when she needed to renew her prescription and take her tablets in advance, aware that Catherine wasn’t always the best at prioritising her own health.

Catherine fidgeted nervously as Jane took her hand and pressed two tablets into her palm, swallowing them with a tiny sip of water. “Sorry,” she murmured.

Jane was surprised to see a tear tracking down her cheek when Catherine tilted her head up. “Oh love, there’s nothing to be sorry for,” she sighed with a smile, rubbing a soothing hand over Catherine’s upper arm. “Let’s get you back into bed, hmm?”

Giving Jane the tiniest nod in agreement, Catherine let Jane take her by the arm and help her slowly up the stairs. As Catherine eased herself back onto her pillow Jane made sure the curtains were fully closed and the light was off, before getting a cool flannel and laying it over her forehead in the hope that it would help with the pain.

“Call me if you need anything, alright?” she whispered as she tucked the duvet over Catherine’s huddled form.

Catherine hummed quietly, and with a quick kiss on her forehead Jane left her to try and get some sleep.

 II.                   

Anne always found it fitting that her cycles were as unpredictable as she was. It did make life more difficult though; she could never predict when she’d be on for a show, and would usually end up calling in sick very last minute when the sudden onset of cramps left her unable to stand let alone dance. Her attempt at using tracking apps resulted in her phone being as confused as she was to when she’d be on next, so she abandoned all hope of getting an advanced warning and just accepted what she got.

Somehow though, Jane had managed to work out her own way of knowing. Anne wasn’t as much of a morning person as she and Aragon were but she was by no means a late sleeper, usually announcing her presence in the kitchen by 9:30 every morning except on her days off. Whenever Anne hadn’t appeared by half an hour later Jane knew she was either ill or on her period, and if she’d been fine the evening before it was fairly safe to assume it was the latter.

When the clock struck 10:15 Jane headed upstairs with a box of supplies she’d managed to pull together, consisting of pads and painkillers as well as a bar of chocolate. Anne was still curled up under her duvet when Jane peered around the door so she just left it on the end of her bed, figuring that Anne would come and find her if she needed anything else when she woke up.

That turned out to be less than a minute later, when Jane’s progress down the stairs was halted by a screech of “HOW DOES SHE KNOW!!”

Jane didn’t try to restrain her laughter as she turned round and headed back up the stairs, opening the door to see a very dishevelled Anne sat looking at her with an exasperated grin. “Seriously, how do you know? Even I never know!” she said, pretend outrage in her voice.

“It’s the mum senses, love,” Jane said with a wink, using Anna’s term for her innate ability to know when one of them was either in pain or doing something idiotic.

Anne groaned dramatically, one hand on her stomach as she stood up a little hunched over. “Honestly you’re probably right. Can I have a hand?”

“Of course.”

Hurrying across the room, Jane put an arm around Anne’s waist and let her sag into her side. She knew Anne didn’t like staying cooped up in her room alone when she wasn’t feeling her best so she didn’t bother suggesting she should stay in bed, instead just helping her downstairs to the kitchen. While Anne was in the bathroom Jane warmed up a hot water bottle for her, giving a sympathetic wince when Anne shuffled back through the kitchen into the living room.

Anne was curled up on a sofa with a blanket when Jane walked into the otherwise empty room, glancing up when she heard the door open and reaching out her arms in a grabbing motion towards her. Jane chuckled as the hot water bottle was snatched out of her hands, though her amusement turned into empathy when Anne pouted up at her as she pressed the hot water bottle against her stomach.

“You poor thing,” Jane said, sitting down beside her. Immediately Anne curled up into Jane’s side and rested her hear on her chest, letting out a quiet sound of contentedness when Jane started to run her fingers through her hair. It wasn’t often that Anne was clingy with her to quite that extent, that was more Kat’s style, but whenever she was unwell she always craved physical contact more than usual.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Jane glanced down at her and asked “Would you like me to call in sick for you today?”

“Yeah.”

“Would you like me to stay here with you for a while?”

“…Yeah.”

Jane smiled at Anne’s nervous answer, tightening the arm around her shoulders to hold her close for as long as she needed to.

 III.                 

Anna was very good at just dealing with things. If she was under the weather she’d just dose up on cold medicine and power through, if she was hungover she’d just put her sunglasses on and get on with it, if she was injured she’d ignore it and insist she was fine until Jane managed to restrain her long enough to assess it. That was what she did; get up, get shit done, crash afterwards.

That didn’t mean she didn’t suffer in the process though. And that was especially accurate when it came to her periods, as in her opinion she could only describe them as ‘the back pain from Hell’. What was even worse was that the pain always outlasted her period itself, which as far as she was concerned was just unfair.

When she stood up to get into her costume before a show and felt the first twinge of pain in her lower abdomen she paused in her tracks, groaning quietly as she let her eyes fall shut for a moment. She’d be fine for the show if she took painkillers fast but she already knew the rest of the day and the next few as well would not be enjoyable at all.

“Anna? What’s the matter?”

Anna looked over at Jane’s concerned voice, wondering at first what she was doing in the other dressing room before remembering she was with them today since her mirror lights weren’t working. “My uterus is playing the jaws theme song,” she joked, straightening up and taking her costume off the hanger.

“Oh,” Jane said with a nod, watching Anna for a moment before she asked “What’s the jaws theme song?”

There was a moment’s pause, before Anna, Anne, and Aragon were all howling with laughter. “Sorry babes, oh shit,” Anna choked out between laughs, one hand on her stomach as the pain was aggravated by her laughter. “Someone gimme a hand, we gotta keep showing her these references,” she said, grinning at the very confused Jane.

Anne grabbed her phone from the desk and quickly pulled up a clip from the film to show her, who watched the screen with wide eyes as she tried to take in what she was being shown. “So it’s a warning for something coming,” Jane clarified, looking pleased with herself when everyone else nodded. “Right, ok. What’s coming?”

Anna rolled her eyes good-naturedly as she deadpanned “My period.”

“Oh! Why didn’t you just say! What do you need?” Jane was instantly asking, yanking her bag from under the desk and opening a side pocket to reveal enough tampons to kit out a menstruating army.

“Did you buy a year’s supply or something?” Anna asked jokingly, shaking her head when Jane held out a fistful towards her. “No no, I’m good thanks. Just some painkillers if you’ve got any.”

Sure enough, Jane unzipped another compartment of her bag to pull out an enormous box of double-strength ibuprofen tablets. “Here you go love, and I’m sure we can find you a hot water bottle for when we get home. At least it’s only a one show day today,” she said, smiling sympathetically as she passed Anna a sheet of tablets.

As she’d expected she managed to get through the show without any trouble at all, ignoring the building ache in her back that worsened right before the megasix. The minute they were off stage though she was trudging up the stairs towards the dressing rooms, throwing open her door and crashing heavily into her chair with her head rested on the desk.

A hand on her shoulder alerted her to Jane’s presence behind her. “How are you feeling love?” she asked quietly.

Anna just groaned in response, lacking the motivation or the care to come up with something more coherent.

Jane squeezed her shoulder, tugging her lightly until she sat up to see Jane stood there holding the clothes she’d worn to the theatre. “Come on, just got to get changed then we can go home and put a film on or something.”

Anna smiled faintly. Home and family was a nice prospect.

 IV.                 

It wasn’t uncommon for Kat to end up in Jane’s bed in the middle of the night. Their rooms were next to each other so it wasn’t far for her to go in the darkness, and it meant that Jane was usually woken by her nightmares anyway so Kat didn’t feel quite so bad about bothering her. It wasn’t just nightmares and flashbacks that drove Kat to seek the comfort of her mother figure though, sometimes if she was feeling particularly miserable she would just want someone warm to huddle up against to make her feel better.

Jane was only dozing lightly when the sound of her door shifting over the carpet broke through the sleepy haze in her mind, so she rolled over and put her arm out as the mattress dipped and someone curled into her side. She cracked open an eye to check it really was Kat – occasionally when Anne’s night terrors were bad enough to drive her down the attic stairs she’d end up in Jane’s bed and even Cathy had turned up once – before she murmured “What is it sweetheart?”

Kat just groaned at first, tightening the arm around Jane’s stomach. That was enough to tell Jane that it wasn’t a nightmare that had brought Kat in, since if that had been the case the simple question would have been enough to coax out a tearful explanation. “Don’t like it,” she whimpered, her voice muffled by the material of Jane’s nightdress.

“Please tell me what’s wrong, darling,” Jane pressed softly, a twinge of worry in her chest.

After another few moments of silence, Kat mumbled an almost inaudible “Period.”

Jane nodded in understanding. “You just don’t feel good, do you?” she said as she stroked a hand over Kat’s hair. Her eyes were still closed though she didn’t need to see Kat to sense the discomfort in her tense body.

The pitiful hum of agreement drew a sympathetic noise from Jane, rubbing comforting circles into Kat’s tight shoulders in an attempt to get her to relax a little. “It’s alright love, I’ve got you,” she whispered, smiling a little as some of the tension in Kat’s arms lessened. “Have you taken any painkillers?”

At the tiny shake of Kat’s head, Jane pushed herself into a sitting position while ignoring the unwilling noise from Kat as she was dislodged from around Jane’s waist. “Sorry darling, but you need to take something,” Jane pointed out, chuckling lightly when Kat was still reluctant to let her go. “I promise I’ll be back in a second and we can go to sleep then. Ok?”

“…ok.”

Jane smiled, placing her hand on Kat’s head for a second before she wiggled out of her arms to get out of bed. Her footsteps were quiet as she padded down the stairs in her socked feet, very aware that Anna was probably asleep on the floor below, and thanks to her recent reorganisation of the medicine cabinet it was only a couple of minutes before she found what she needed and was heading back up the stairs with painkillers and a glass of water.

“Here you go love,” she said as she tapped Kat’s shoulder to get her attention, keeping one hand on the glass as Kat took the tablets just in case she dropped it.

As soon as she’d finished the water, Kat murmured “Sleepy time now. You promised.”

Chuckling quietly, Jane agreed “That I did,” as she climbed back into bed and opened her arms for Kat to curl back into her side. “Try and get some rest, hopefully you’ll feel better in the morning.”

“Yeah,” Kat breathed out in quiet agreement, her body much less stuff as she wrapped an arm around Jane's waist and rested her head on her collar.

It was a few minutes of comfortable quiet before the last ounce of tension seeped from Kat’s limbs as she fell asleep. Jane smiled as she let herself relax too, happy to sleep herself now that she knew her baby was safe and looked after in her arms.

 V.                   

Cathy hated being ill. More than the physicality of it she hated not being able to do things, since any day not spent being productive was a day wasted as far as she was concerned. Aragon and Jane had given her many strict talking-to’s about that point of view, telling her sternly that she didn’t need to be creating something every hour or every day, and as much as she tried to take their words in she still hated whenever she was struck down so badly she had to give up on her work and take a day’s rest.

That meant that more often than not she hated the first day of her period. It didn’t happen every time, but when it did she would wake up feeling absolutely fine until she stood up. That was when her stomach would flip and she’d find herself racing to the bathroom as she was seized by nausea.

She didn’t hear the footsteps rushing down the hallway as she coughed into the toilet bowl. She felt the hands pulling her hair back and knew they were Jane’s even though she couldn’t risk looking up at that moment, just focusing on the gentle touch on her shoulder as something to ground her. After what felt like eons of heaving and shaking, Cathy rested her forehead on her arms as she let out a rough sigh.

“Easy love, you’re alright.”

Jane’s voice sounded miles away, but Cathy nodded weakly as she tried to regulate her breathing. She could feel herself shaking like a leaf and hated it. “I’m fine,” she croaked, trying to sit up unassisted but pitching over sideways into Jane’s arms as her strength failed her for a second.

A quiet chuckle above her made her glance up into Jane’s amused yet worried face. “Are you?” she quipped lightly, adjusting her arms so that Cathy was propped up more comfortably. “Is this a stomach bug or is it that time of the month?”

“The latter,” Cathy answered with a slight groan as her stomach rolled again. She glanced at the toilet, her body tensing, but thankfully the feeling passed within a couple of moments and she just flopped back into Jane’s chest.

“Let’s get you back into bed, hmm?” Jane suggested.

Cathy nodded as she let Jane help her to stand, supporting her as she swayed for a moment before finding her feet. After reassuring Jane she would be fine for a moment she shut the door to sort herself in the bathroom, cleaning her teeth too since her mouth felt disgusting, before letting Jane take over again.

“Can I get you anything love?” Jane asked as Cathy sat up in bed and pulled the covers around her lap. “Water, painkillers, some soup or something?”

She was reluctant to try eating anything but knew Jane would pester her about giving her body what it needed until she gave in. “Some water and chicken soup would be nice, thanks,” Cathy said with a smile, then pointed towards her desk as she added “And can you pass me my laptop please?”

Jane frowned, sitting down on the edge of the bed with a hand on Cathy’s knee. “You need to rest, love. The work can wait for another day,” she said gently, giving Cathy a concerned look.

“I know, but I’ve been working on a new project lately that needs researching. I just wanted to make a few notes,” she protested, sighing at Jane’s pointed glance. Backtracking a little, she changed her tone and asked “Alright, what if you keep an eye on me and I promise I stop if I’m tired?”

“I think that’s the best I’m going to get from you,” Jane agreed with a laugh, patting Cathy’s knee as she smiled. “Let me go and get those bits for you then I’ll bring my embroidery in. I’m warning you though, first sign that anything’s wrong and you’re going to bed!”

Cathy laughed tiredly as Jane walked out the door, resting her head against the pillow propped between her and the headboard as she waited for Jane to come back. As much as she hated not being productive, she could admit that it was nice to have someone watching over her every now and then.

 ( +1 ) VI.                 

For the most part, Jane was lucky enough to not suffer too badly with her periods. She would joke with the others that it was fate taking it easy on her after the way she’d died, but she was secretly incredibly grateful since any pain in her stomach brought on flashbacks from those terrible last days. It meant that she could be there for her friends too, something that put her maternal tendencies to good use.

But every now and then there was a month where she felt like death all over again.

She could already recognise how unwell she felt by the time she even opened her eyes. Her stomach hurt, she felt lightheaded without even needing to sit up, and she could already feel the uneasiness fluttering in her chest. But she still gritted her teeth and sat up, trudging to the bathroom before making her way downstairs. It was a two show day that day and she’d already overslept, she had to get moving.

“Morning Jane!” yelled Anne as Jane walked into the kitchen, already running round in her usual chaotic manner. “I’m in charge of breakfast! I’ve got eggs and toast and holy crap are you alright?”

Jane stopped and blinked as Anne actually stopped to look at her with her eyebrows halfway to her hairline. “What? Oh I’m fine love, please don’t worry about me.”

Anne glanced over at Cathy as she walked over, both of them wearing unconvinced expressions. “Are you sure? You look a little off-colour,” Cathy said gently.

“Little off-colour my ass,” called Anna bluntly from where she was sat at the kitchen table with Aragon, the three of them all turning to look at her. “Babes, no offence but you look paler than I used to be. Even for you that’s a bit much.”

Jane managed to laugh weakly at that, genuinely appreciative of Anna’s humour. She still wasn’t ready to back down. “Honestly, I promise I’m fine. I’m just… just…”

She didn’t finish her sentence since her body chose that moment to come over all faint, her vision blurring for a second before she jolted back into awareness. Cathy and Anne had reacted quickly enough to grab her arms but there was another body pressed close behind her keeping her upright. “You can tell us what’s wrong,” said Kat’s voice softly in her ear, “let us take care of you for a change.”

Jane nodded then, sighing before she managed to stand alone with the three of them still standing by to catch her again. “Just having a bad period I suppose. Feeling a little lightheaded,” she said, smiling tiredly at her sisters as she looked between them all.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Aragon asked as she and Anna walked over.

Rolling her eyes in the face of Aragon’s knowing look, Jane muttered “You can’t mother me Catherine of Aragon that’s my job.”

“Not today it’s not!” Anne said brightly, before she cleared her throat and clapped her hands. “Right you lot, Operation Mum is a-go! All hands on deck!”

Jane had no idea what Operation Mum was, but she was happy to let herself be walked into the living room by Kat while the others continued to busy around the kitchen. Anna appeared first with some painkillers and a blanket which she draped over Jane and Kat on one of the sofas, followed by Cathy with a bowl of chicken soup and Anne with a hot water bottle. Lastly came Aragon, who had enlisted Anne’s help to carry in six mugs of hot chocolate.

When Anna started flicking through films on the TV, Jane paused after a mouthful of soup to protest “But we’ve all got two shows today!”

“Shh,” Anne insisted, curling up under the blanket on Jane’s other side. “We’ve got time. Now just let yourself be mothered for once in your life.”

When Jane looked down at her snuggled into Jane’s side just as she’d been when it was Anne being taken care of, she couldn’t find it in herself to fight them anymore. After she was finished with her breakfast she hugged the hot water bottle to her stomach as she relaxed between Anne and Kat, glancing over at Cathy and Anna on the other sofa and Aragon in her armchair. Her wonderful little family.

She would always be the mother of the group, and that was just how she liked it. But sometimes she could let her wayward children take care of her when she needed them the most.