#I needed a break from something else and wanted to see if I could do a project quickly and I did!

[iamred-iamyellow]

⋆ ˚｡⋆౨ৎ˚ Champagne Problems

♥ masterlist | request rules | 12 days of ficmas

♥ pairing: charles leclerc x fem!reader

♥ synopsis: the two of you end up at a party with different intentions

♥ wc: 2k - as always none of the pictures are mine

♥ warnings: swearing, angst, and alcohol (drink responsibly please lol) !!!

♥ a/n: TONS of angst in this fic so get ready lol <3 i've been wanting to put out this fic for SO long you don't understand. tagging bestie @theonottsbxtch

Charles was head over heels in love with you—it was a shame, really.

You sat on your shared king sized bed in a sparkly dress, observing your boyfriend as he slipped on a gold watch. 

“We need to leave soon mon amour,” he said, wandering over to you and kissing your cheek. “We don’t want to be late, do we?”

You nodded and adjusted the jewelry on your hand.

Charles folded the cuffs on his sleeve, “You alright?”

“Mhm,” you nodded with a fake smile.

You hadn’t seen Charles in months because of his work. Ironically the first place he wanted to take you was a gala... For his work.

The two of you met because of your love for F1. The narrative of Ferrari brought you together and despite his promises to be there for you, he always left them unfulfilled.

You were alone. Way too often. Left by yourself to take care of Leo and be his wag.

You and Charles wandered outside the apartment to his car. He opened the door for you—like a gentleman. But you couldn’t shake this melancholic feeling whenever you’re around him.

-

”Hey, where’s Charles?” Arthur, your boyfriend’s younger brother asked with a smile.

You shrugged, taking a sip of your drink, and gazing at the room full of talkative people. The second you got there he wandered off to find Pierre. You couldn’t even blame him. This was for business after all.

”Hm, that’s odd. I’d expect him to be with you.” he scrunched his nose. “I remember one time last year—he was so excited to come home for winter break and see you. He would talk about you all day to me on the phone,” Arthur chuckled.

You gave him a faint smile. That was the Charles you fell in love with. Alas, he was across the room talking to someone else’s girlfriend.

“Well, let me know if you see him. I’ll see you in a few weeks for Christmas, yeah?”

You swallowed hard, pausing before a response.

“Yeah, yeah of course,” you smiled with a nod.

“Great, Maman said she already got you gifts,” he laughed. “I’ll see you around Y/n.”

He nudged your shoulder with an infectious smile, wandering off with a drink in hand.

God, why did this have to hurt so fucking much.

-

“Thank you all for being here,” a man said into a microphone, commanding the room to silence. “It has been an incredible season, but now we must start planning for the next one. Thank you to all our sponsors who are able to make this happen and congratulations to all that we have done this year.”

He raised his glass of champagne, leading everyone to follow and clink theirs together. You sat at a round table with your closest friends from the industry, Pierre and Kika as Charles got up to ask the man at the front of the room something. He came back with the microphone in hand and turned it on.

He stared down at you, eyes peering lovingly into your soul.

“Y/n… you are the most beautiful, kind, intelligent woman I have ever met,” he spoke into the mic, elicting a few ‘awh’s’ from the crowd and drawing at least a hundred eyes to you.

Charles slowly bent down, grabbing something out of his suit pocket.

Your eyes widened and you tried to say something but you couldn’t. Every word was trapped in your mouth, despite your jaw being on the floor. Plenty of gasps and whispers came from the room. You could see Kika’s eyes light up, clearly ecstatic for you.

“I don’t really have a whole speech planned,” he laughed softly. “All I can really say is how much I love you… Will you marry me?”

He flicked the ring box open, revealing a gold ring with a huge diamond.

You paused, trying your best to take in everything that has happened before shaking your head.

“Charles… can we talk about this somewhere else?” you whispered.

Charles' expression dropped instantly. He knows what that really means.

More gasps. More gossip.

Clearly the whole room knew what it meant too.

“Is she fucked in the head?” you heard someone from the crowd whisper.

Followed by, “If she won’t marry him I will,” and “What a shame.”

”I’m sorry Charles, I’m gonna get a Lyft.” you whispered, squeezing his hand.

Kika looked at Pierre completely stunned. This was certainly not how the two of them thought the night was going to go. This was certainly not how you thought the night was going to go.

Kika’s heels clicked on the tile floor as she ran after you, pushing the two glass doors open to find you sprinting down the long set of stairs.

“Y/n, wait!” she shouted after you.

You sat at the bottom step, waiting for your ride to arrive.

She stopped beside you, “I can drive you home,” she mumbled.

“That’s alright, I already paid for it.”

She sat down beside you and put a warm hand on your shoulder.

“Are you okay?” she whispered.

You grabbed her hand gently, feeling the coldness of her gold rings. You shook your head no.

She wrapped an arm around your shoulder, forcing your head to rest on her shoulder.

She kissed your head sweetly, “It’s going to be okay,” she whispered in your hair.

-

You tossed your things on a table right next to the front door and kicked off your heels. You strut over to your kitchen and opened the fridge in hopes to find more alcohol. You were already probably drunk on Dom Perignon and your own tears, but with everything going on you might as well try to forget the horrendous night.

You grabbed a small glass from a cabinet and closed the fridge door, flinching when you saw Charles standing in the dark.

“Jesus Christ, Charles…” you whispered, pouring yourself some straight Vodka.

You braced your hands on the side of the marble counter, closing your eyes. Maybe if you close them tight enough he’ll disappear.

You sighed, “I don’t know how to start this conversa-“

“You said no?” he whispered. You could hear the heartbreak in his words.

You swallowed hard, looked around the room—anywhere but his eyes.

“I never said no…” you trailed off.

“But you meant no, right?”

You thought about marrying him before. A lot, actually. Racing, Traveling, Family. But there was always one thing missing from every daydream. And that thing was Charles.

You can’t follow him around the country for his job and even if you did—is that who you wanted to be? Just the wife of Charles Leclerc? 

“I don’t think you can truly be committed to this relationship. This isn’t what I need, and that’s okay.”

“I can't truly be committed?” he scoffed. “I'm not truly committed enough to get down on one knee?” 

Your relationship this past year wasn’t what you wanted. But one day it will be what someone else wants, and that’s what he deserves.

“C’mon Y/n, I love you-“ he muttered.

“Love isn't always enough,” you whispered, barely loud enough for him to hear.

Ah, the painful truth.

You watched as his face dropped, fully taking in the cruelness of your words. 

“Charles, I’m sorry…” you whispered, tears forming in your eyes. 

“Just go. Foutez le champ de chez moi, I don’t want to see you right now.” (translation: get the fuck out of my house) he muttered harshly. 

-

It’d been a year since you last saw him. That night you packed up all your things as he slept at Arthur’s. You were gone by the time he got home.

You still spent time in the F1 scene. You had friends there too, but it still felt a little cruel. You didn’t fall out of love, at least not with someone like Charles—that doesn’t happen. 

If the circumstances were different you might have been married. You would’ve had a beautiful ring, a beautiful family, and a beautiful man. 

“Y/n,” Kika shouted through a laugh, half sprinting in her heels. Her right hand settled on your bicep and her left took your forearm, yanking you towards a group of women. 

“C’mon, I haven't seen you in months,” she said, causing you to crack a smile. You rolled your eyes and slipped off your bar stool, ready to get a little tipsy with your friends. She was right. It had been way too long since you had a girls night. The last one was before you lost your status as a wag. 

Today it was you, Kika, and Rebecca—all in elegant outfits that perfectly fit your vibes. Kika in a black long sleeve, off the shoulder neckline number, Becs in a sparkly red one that she luckily got to keep after modeling, and you in a short white satin dress with spaghetti straps and some matching white heels. 

“You look like you need a drink,” Rebecca said, looking you up and down. 

You sighed, “I haven’t been to an F1 event since you know…” 

She rolled her eyes, “That's exactly why you need a drink. Forget about him and have fun with us. Your favorite sport should not be attached to the memory of a man.” 

Great point. 

“Come here,” she dragged you back to the bar Kika pulled you from. 

She ordered three martini’s on the rocks, extra olives.

She handed you one of the glasses, “We’re going to meet up with Lily M and Carmen in about an hour alright? We’ll be out of this place in no time and you won’t even think about you know who.” 

“Where are we going?” you asked, sipping the drink with your eyebrows raised. 

“It's a surprise,” Kika said with an eye roll as if to say “duh”. 

You spent the next hour drowning in new conversations and shots. Sure you were at someone’s work party, but it’s not like you had to be professional. No one seemed to give a shit what Charles’ “Ex Wag” was doing.

“Carmen and Lily are outside, are we ready to go?” Rebecca asked, peering up from her phone. 

“Yeah, I just need to find the bathroom and then we can go,” you lied, grabbing your clutch off the circular table. 

You wanted to step outside and get a quick bit of fresh air before you returned to the group. They were doing something amazing in order for you to move on from your past relationship, but all you could think about was something you shouldn’t be. 

It's been a year, you should be over him, right? Too bad the pain didn’t stop at Charles. It was his whole family. God, you missed Arthur so much. You missed fighting with him about what Christmas movies to watch and hanging out in the Ferrari garage together. You missed Lorenzo and his older brother-like wisdom. You missed Pascale and how she welcomed you with open arms into the family. Fuck, you felt like a traitor. 

You sighed and wandered off onto the balcony, picking at the rhinestones on your purse. You leaned over the railing, letting the cool wind kiss your skin. 

“Haven’t seen you in a while,” an accented voice said from behind you. You would recognize it anywhere. 

Charles took his place beside you, avoiding eye contact. It took a good minute before you were able to respond. 

“I- uhm… I heard you and your new girlfriend broke up. I'm sorry,” you muttered. What an odd way to start this conversation. You weren’t even sure if it was true, you heard it in a tabloid. 

He hummed, “I suppose love wasn’t enough to save us.” 

Ouch. 

You scoffed, “Yeah I guess not.” 

The silence was loud. 

“Sorry,” he whispered in a change of tone. Maybe even a change of heart. “It’s good to see you again.” 

“Yeah,” you whispered back, unenthusiastic. 

“The family misses you.” 

You smiled slightly. That was good to hear. “You can tell them I miss them too.” 

“...I miss you.” 

He placed his hand on top of yours slowly, gently rubbing his thumb across yours. His cold silver rings brought flashbacks to your mind.

You looked up at him, tears begging to fall from your lashes but you kept it together; at least until he was gone. 

You squeezed his hand like you used to, “‘l’ll see you around, Charles.” 

You had to remind yourself why you said no everyday. It didn’t matter if you loved him and it didn’t matter if he loved you. You won’t settle for second in his life.

✧˖ °. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁‧₊˚ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁˖°✧

taglist; @sainzzreputaticn @theseerbetweenus @yawn-zi

[kentopedia]

˚₊‧꒰ა ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY — levi ackerman

𝓈𝓊𝓂𝓂𝒶𝓇𝓎. your car breaks down before you can make it home for christmas. it leaves you with no choice but to call your ex-boyfriend.

𝒸𝑜𝓃𝓉𝑒𝓃𝓉𝓈. fluff, sfw, gn!reader, exes, christmas, light angst, second chance romance, soft!levi, modern au — 3.3k words

𝓃𝑜𝓉𝑒𝓈. dropping the annual levi christmas fic. happy birthday to my beloved, he is such a special character to me and has gotten me thru some rough times :( forever grateful u exist levi ackerman. this was going to go in a completely different direction in my head but... alas the words lead me and i must follow. hope you enjoy!

Of all the things to happen on Christmas Eve, car trouble ranked among the worst. Which, naturally, meant that’s exactly what happened to you. 

Something not too far from a blizzard had come in overnight, coating the roads in a thick, hazardous blanket. It looked beautiful, sure, but you were two hours away from where you needed to be on Christmas, and you figured — how bad could it be?

The answer was bad.

You’d skidded, blown out a tire (they were old, due for a change), and found your hood popped open with an odd smoke, stranded only 30 minutes south of where you’d come from. Your family was expecting you home by the evening, there to see everyone for Christmas Eve dinner. 

At this rate, you’d be lucky if you made it for Christmas at all.

After cursing yourself profusely for not just taking an extra day off and leaving yesterday, you started scrolling through your phone, looking for assistance.

The towing company answered the line in a sharp tone, already dismissive of your worries. It was idiots like you that kept them working Christmas Eve, and their annoyance was evident.

“What can I do for you?” a man, testy and older, answered. 

You explained the situation, and received a less than understanding response. 

“Sorry, miss, but we’ll be two hours out. There’s been a few other incidents, and we’re short-staffed. We can give you another call when we free up.”

“But I need to be somewhere tonight. There must be something you can do?”

“Sorry,” he said again, but it was clear he wasn’t very sorry at all. “If I were you, I’d start making calls… See if there’s anyone brave enough to come pick you up in this weather.”

He hung up on you.

You groaned, throwing your hands up in the air. It was unlikely that anyone would want to be your savior tonight. Your family was still 70 miles away, and everyone else you knew had other plans for Christmas Eve. 

But. 

You knew this stretch of road well, were more familiar with it than most streets along here. It was a country highway that wrapped around the smaller town before leading you onto the interstate, one direction to your hometown, the other to the city you lived in. 

Of course, it was here that your car had decided to break down, just ten minutes away from your ex-boyfriend’s house — a man you knew would be home, and certainly wouldn’t be afraid of the weather. 

In fact, he was the only one that wasn’t a tedious drive away, that could save you from the unfortunate situation you’d found yourself in.

You squeezed your eyes tight, trying not to cry. 

Calling Levi seemed your only choice — as pathetic of a choice as that was. You weren’t even sure he’d still have your number, or if he’d answer. But, your hands were becoming numb, the temperatures were dropping with the sun, and you weren’t sure how long you could stay out here without getting frostbite.

Still, on the second ring, you faltered, licking your lips. 

Maybe this was a bad idea. It’d been three years, after all. For all you knew, he could’ve had a new partner, could’ve been engaged. He could’ve moved across the country without any warning — you had no idea. 

Your hand started to fall away from your cheek, phone dropping with it. But the familiar tone stopped you, interrupting the third ring.

“Hello?” 

You exhaled, unprepared for the wave of emotions that washed over you from that simple word. Levi sounded exactly like you’d remembered, his voice even, almost monotone, nothing in it betraying his emotions. 

Still, it made your stomach twist. You couldn’t help but recall a time when that word had held a hint of affection in it.

“Levi,” you said, pushing away that line of thought to keep your voice steady. “You answered.” 

He was, apparently, just as surprised as you were. There was a long pause on the other end, before he resumed talking.

“I almost didn’t,” Levi admitted, releasing a breath of air that had to have come through his nose. “I didn’t want to. But, I couldn’t think of a good reason you’d call me on Christmas Eve unless—”

“I’m so sorry,” you cut him off, apologizing. You pinched the bridge of your nose, shivering in the cold. “I wouldn’t be calling if I weren’t desperate. but my car broke down — I was driving back to my parents’ house, and the tow company can’t come yet…” you rushed through the story, sparing too many details. “But it’s freezing, and you were the closest person I could think to call.”

He went silent once again. 

That was when you started to realize how crazy you’d been to call him. The last conversation you’d had was around this time of year, both of you stiffly walking through all the reasons you were worse for each other than you were better. 

This was a horrible idea. 

“I’m sorry,” you said again, shaking your head. Tears of embarrassment flooded your waterline. You weren’t sure they’d ever stopped. “This was stupid. Fuck. Forget it. I’ll—” 

“Where are you?” 

“What?” 

“Where are you?” Levi repeated, insistent. “I only answered because I figured it was an emergency. Looks like I was right. So where are you?” 

Your heart flipped at the notion that, even if it was a small part of him, he still cared. 

After fifteen more minutes of shivering in your freezing car, you ended up back at Levi’s house. The same house he’d lived in for ten years, and probably would live in until he died.

Levi wasn’t a homebody — in fact, he liked to spend more time outside of the house than he probably spent in it. He traveled a lot, sometimes for work, sometimes for fun. But it was a home that had belonged to his mother, until she passed away when he was freshly eighteen. 

Even if he hated living in this suburban town, you didn’t think he could stomach to part with the home he’d been raised in. One of the only things he had left of his mom.

It was almost heartbreaking, that you knew such intimate details about a person that had faded out of your life.

Levi’s house looked about the same, but Levi… Well, he looked incredible. As far as breakups went, he must have gotten the better end of it.  

His black hair was lightly dusted with snow when he helped you out of his car, red cheeks a bright contrast against his pale skin. Time may have dulled your memory of him, but you could have sworn his eyes had gotten even more blue in the time you’d been apart.

God, he was gorgeous. How had you ever been with someone like him?

“Would you like any tea?” Levi asked, taking you to the kitchen. Not like you’d forgotten how to get there. You’d spent enough time in his house to know the layout, right down to the foundation.

“Sure,” you said, still shivering, even with the heat blasting in the house. “Thank you, Levi. Not just for the tea, but for helping me. I won’t stay long, I promise.”

Levi was rummaging through his cabinet, and looked over his shoulder, back at you. Something rest on the edge of his tongue, but he said nothing, busying himself once more. 

The kitchen was the same as you’d remembered. None of the furniture had changed, but he’d added new appliances, changed out some of the cookware. Poinsettias were in the middle of the table, the only festive thing in the room.

You stared at them, and frowned, the tension between the two of you palpable. While you’d met each other once again like you’d never been parted, there still an underlying current of mistrust and uncertainty. A feeling that was expected to linger.

The break-up between you hadn’t been nasty, but you hadn’t parted on the best of terms, either. You and Levi had always argued… a lot. Half the time, it didn’t mean anything, but you couldn’t stop yourself from spitting something mean when you got angry.

It was your similarities that drove you apart, not your differences. You were both so neat, you fought over where things were meant to go. You were both independent, you grew frustrated with sharing space and compromises.

You were both stubborn, and never admitted to being wrong, even when it caused a rift between you and split you apart for good.

Of course, the worst issue was your tendency to bottle up your feelings, rather than talk through them. A problem that Levi shared — meaning that every little thing between you was brushed under the rug, only to trip you up later.

Levi brought the steaming mug over, pushing it to you across the table. You took a small sip of it, blinking at him over the edge of ceramic. 

“My favorite tea?” you asked, recognizing the taste of it immediately. “You remembered.” 

“I wasn’t sure if you still liked it, but I’ve kept it around anyway,” Levi said, and, as if realizing what he’d admitted, continued, “It grew on me. I drink it now.” 

You smiled. It was small and sad, mourning all the things you’d lost, but the sentiment warmed you all the same. You remembered Levi loved earl grey in the mornings, and chamomile before bed. In the fall, he preferred rooibos, the color and flavor reminded him of the autumn leaves. 

Or maybe he didn’t. Maybe he didn’t like any of those things, anymore. 

“I’m glad you like it now,” you said, humming. “You never did, before.” 

It sounded like a jab, even if you didn’t mean it as one. Levi stiffened, only slightly, before he released the tension and snorted, tightening his grip around the mug. 

You glanced at his hands, slender and pale, veins purple under his skin. Hands that had once roamed all over your body, slipped inside you, pulling you apart from the seams. 

That wasn’t a path you wanted to go down. You blinked, pushing away that line of thought as your stomach flipped, and prayed he hadn’t noticed your staring. 

“Anyway,” Levi coughed, clearing his throat. 

You nearly shrunk from embarrassment, certain that he had discerned your thoughts, but Levi wasn’t looking at you at all. His eyes were fixed on the clock across the room, watching the hand rotate around the frame. 

“You were visiting your family. How have they been?” 

Safe conversation, easy conversation. The kind that you could have had with any stranger, even if Levi knew all your family by name, knew your Christmas traditions. You repeated old history anyway, like you were meeting him for the first time, sharing weekend plans with an acquaintance before going your separate ways. 

The two of you chatted for a while, sipping on your teas, all the while, avoiding the topic of his holiday plans — if only to sidestep the discomfort that came with hearing he had none. Not that that was shameful, of course. Plenty of people did nothing for the holidays, didn’t want to. 

But, Levi had always come home with you for Christmas, for five years. Everyone loved him. Although you’d been nervous, at first, Levi fit right in, made himself comfortable with those that you cherished. He was polite, even though his sarcasm often bled through. But, that only made him funnier, in the eyes of everyone you held dear. They’d always given him two sets of gifts — for Christmas and his birthday — excited to watch him open them. 

Levi had always been so stoic when he responded with a stiff thank you, but you could see how touched he was, how pleased to be integrating himself so easily into your life. 

He’d made your holidays better than they’d ever been.

Now, he spent them alone. 

You couldn’t help but feel like your breakup had taken something special away from him, something he should’ve gotten to keep, even whilst you were separated. Maybe you could invite him home with you, just so your cousins could play one more round of cards with him and lose.

Melancholia flowered in your chest, and you, then, yearned for those moments, the ones you’d kept so dear. 

How had everything gone so wrong?

Your conversation stalled. You looked at each other, unsure what to say next. 

Shifting anxiously in your seat, you stood, as if for the first time realizing that you were in Levi Ackerman’s house, and you shouldn’t have been. That you were having cordial conversation with a man you swore to never speak to again, and it was like falling back into a routine, it was normal. 

And that was the worst thing about it — you knew why’d you’d broken up, but right now, you could hardly recall a good reason.

“I’m sorry,” you said for the millionth time that evening, eyes flashing towards the clock. It had only been thirty minutes, but the snow was getting worse and your tea was cold. “I should call my parents and let them know I won’t be home tonight. Hopefully the roads will be—”

“Wait.” Levi reached out, grabbing your hand before you could stand and make your exit. 

Your eyes flashed down to where you touched, at the same time his did, before you uncomfortably broke away. Levi blinked, then chewed the inside of his cheek, his mouth still drawn into that unexpressive, thin line. 

“What?” you asked, after too many seconds of silence. 

Levi inhaled, then dropped his head, jaw working as he looked away. “I’ve done a lot of thinking, over the past two years.”

Your breath caught in your chest. “About?” 

You already knew the answer.

“When we—” He licked his lips, eyes narrowing at the microwave, before they met your own. “Decided to end it.” 

Decided to end it. What a harsh way of putting it, but you supposed it was true. A final round in the passionate romance you’d had. A break-up seemed too simple for what you’d been, when it had ripped your heart out of your chest. 

“Oh,” you said, swallowing. 

“I know you might not want to have this conversation,” he said, nodding to himself. “But I need to say what I should’ve a long time ago. That I’m sorry.” Levi’s eyes were on you then, a more intense shade than you’d ever seen before. You froze, feeling unable to move, locked in the storminess of his gaze. “So many things were my fault. All the times I was dismissive, the times I was angry. All the times I didn’t communicate when I should’ve.” He released a breath, and despite his bravado, you realized he was just as nervous as you were. “I didn’t know how to love you like you wanted, and I’m sorry that I did such a bad job of it.” 

You blinked, watching him shift in his chair. “Levi…” you said slowly, softly, the word agonizing as it left his lips. 

“I know that doesn’t make it right, but I need you to know. I am sorry. You deserved better.” 

That, alone, brought you close to tears, that he seemed to be taking the blame for all the things that went wrong. Putting it on himself, when it was both of you, incapable of working together. “Levi, I’m sorry too,” you blinked back your tears, setting aside your pride. You’d already lost enough dignity, what was a little more? “You loved me just fine. Maybe I just couldn’t appreciate what I had. I never tried hard enough to make it work.” 

“That isn’t true.” 

“Yes, it is.” 

“No,” Levi huffed, “it’s—” But then he stopped, gathering himself, catching the fall, right back into the same old routine. You looked down at your hands, embarrassed. “We weren’t bad for each other. Nothing we ever did was bad for each other.” It sounded like a question, even if it wasn’t.

“It must have been,” you said, in a small voice. “Otherwise…” 

Otherwise, you’d still be together. 

Levi smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. His hands clenched and unclenched on the table. “I should’ve called you, when you left. I shouldn’t have let you walk away.” 

“But you did.” 

“I did,” he breathed. “And I regret it every day of my life.” 

You looked up at him, eyes shining at the realization. He still wanted you, maybe even still loved you. 

And as much as you cared for him, as much as your heart still bloomed in your chest at the sight of him, you weren’t sure how you felt about that.

“Levi—” you began, hoping to dispel the conversation. But he didn’t let it get that far, voice cracking at the start of his sentence.

“I mean it. I think about it all the time. About you. You were my friend as much as you were my partner, and I wanted you forever. I miss you. I—” Levi cut himself off, there, at the growing look of fear on your face, the knowledge that he was going to let something slip he shouldn’t. 

It tugged at your heartstrings all the same, and you looked away, wrapping yourself up in your arms. 

Silence fell across the room, the only sound the howling wind outside, a flurry of snow crashing against the window. Levi waited, patiently, for you to be the one to break the silence — and you summoned up all your courage, all your honesty, for a response.

“I would be lying, if I said I didn’t think about it too… What it would be like to try again.” 

Levi looked up, blue eyes narrow, but sharp with anticipation. “You—”

“I miss you too, Levi.” It felt like carving your heart out of your chest and handing it to him on a platter. “But it couldn’t be like it was before. Where we talked to each other about everything except for what really mattered. We can’t.” you swallowed, shaking your head. “I can’t do that again.” 

“I know.” Levi licked his lips. “Is that something… You would want?” 

Was it? Was Levi truly what you wanted, or were you not thinking clearly, only remembering the good times amongst all the bad. Were you just yearning for an idealization of love, a feeling that you’d been missing since splitting with Levi? Was it him you really wanted, or just someone to call your own?

But you knew the answer. It was obvious.

“Yes,” you answered, so quiet you weren’t sure he could hear it. “I would… I do want that. Maybe that’s why I didn’t hesitate to call you tonight.” 

Levi didn’t smile, but his eyes brightened, the storminess fading away so they looked like the sky. The cloud of grey above him melted away, and he seemed even younger than he had before, caught in the promises of adoration, akin to a boy in a schoolyard. 

“You can spend Christmas with me. Your birthday,” you said, hesitantly, not knowing if you’d even make it home, if you’d be stuck here. If that kind of invitation was not yours to give. “If that’s something you’d want.” 

“It is,” Levi answered softly, without questioning it, gripping your hand across the table. “I would’t want to spend it any other way.”

You smiled at each other, then, caught up in the glow of Christmas lights and the snow outside, a shaky vow holding between you. Maybe things wouldn’t change — maybe they would go back to how it’d been before, neither of you ever saying what you really meant. Maybe you’d hurt each other worse than you ever had before. 

But you loved him — you loved each other. And that could be enough.

thank you for reading! ❤︎ reblogs and comments are appreciated!!! i might write a pt 2 if there is enough interest, but i wanted to finish this before christmas ◡̈

[gay-dorito-dust]

Jason will forever be my comfort character, forever and always

Jason knew from an early age that love was conditional. This was especially more so if you lived in Gotham, and if that was the case then love was more or less something that’s purely transactional. The moment you lose the ability to give anything to someone else, you’re more then likely left to die in an alleyway or in a far away abandoned warehouse that was rigged to blow up.

Love was a weapon utilised in every possible way then what it was meant to be used for, and so Jason didn’t grow up with a very good experience with love or what others claimed as love.

Yet he read books where love was pure, love was powerful and empowering to the people who had the chance to experience it, love was scary and brutal as it was beautiful and something everyone desires to have in their life; whether or not it was real for everyone will chase after it blindly and carelessly as though their self worth was dependent on such an emotion.

He’s read books where love could break someone so badly that they can’t get up, where love can cause more cuts and wounds than knives and other weapons could ever inflict. He’s read books where love has left people wonder their self worth and if anyone else could love them as deeply and truly as the person who had just walked out of the door.

However Jason wondered that if people did love that deeply, wouldn’t you want to stay with that person even through the toughest times of their lives? Help them pull through instead of abandoning them when they were in the most need of their life? To Jason that didn’t sound like love at all as he couldn’t help but see himself in these characters that only saw the worst in themselves, truly believing that love wasn’t for them nor ever will in how their entire lives was the biggest example of such.

However all that changed with time the moment you entered his life and for good.

Jason was on the defensive as his eyes wouldn’t leave you as all you did was simple things for him unprovoked, unwarranted, as though you wanted to do these things for him. You would care for his books as though they were irreplaceable while rearranging them in alphabetical order, clean his weaponry and armour before he could early in the morning, and even would him breakfast in the morning when you noticed that he didn’t eat nearly as much as he should to properly function.

Jason didn’t know how to feel, nor how he could repay you back in response and even when he did, you would just brush him off and tell him that you could handle it, telling him that he shouldn’t worry about doing anything for you purely because you did things for him one day.

‘I just wanted to do these things for you.’ You tell him with a smile. ‘You’re a busy man and you don’t have nearly enough time to catch up to everything and I merely wanted to help clear your schedule somewhat while you’ve got your hand full.’ You add and Jason could only stare at you.

‘You wanted to?’ He said with a raised brow. ‘Sweetheart, there’s no such thing as people doing things for others out of the kindness of their heart, everyone wants something in the end as nobody is above their own desires.’ He then crossed his arms over his chest as a look of unconvincing overcame his face at your words.

You frown at this but didn’t hold such views against him, Gotham wasn’t a city where love was genuine and not corrupt nor unhealthy to some extent, if anything your heart ached for him as you could only imagine a young Jason having to learn this cruel lesson in the worst possible way; one that left a permeant scar upon his heart that would ache painfully as a reminder that in a city of Gotham love didn’t exist unless it was for transactional or conventional purposes for even more corrupt figureheads.

‘Love shouldn’t be used to hurt people, it should be used to help people and allow them to gain the strength to let others into their heart and trusting that person to not stab them in the back, love should be used between friends, family and lovers and no one else who could corrupt an innocent emotion such as love.’ You stepped closer to him as you watched his eyes and the flickering of emotions within them as his jaw clench and he would straighten his posture as though he was trying to scare you off with his height, it wasn’t working.

‘Love should help you realise that the love you’ve been receiving is not love at all, Jason you deserve love much like everyone else, for someone will look at you and see a beautiful man with scars that tell stories that they can only hope you’ll be ready to share with one day at your own comfortability.’ You finished as you rested your hand upon his bicep, feeling the muscles tense beneath your touch, as your thumb caresses a faint scar of his. It wasn’t a touch tender as anything Jason had experienced before and it both frightened and intrigued him at how much he needed this.

Had he found the love that the books he’s read in the past promised? That child in him said yes with such an eagerness, but he was still uncertain but knew that he felt safer with you than he did anyone else, and that was certainly a start in his eyes.

[hxney-lemcn]

First Kiss — The Leftovers x gn! reader

summery: your first kiss with your lover.

tw: none.

a/n: I wasn't sure what to call the students who aren't vice/housewardens so now they're deemed the leftovers (sorry Cater 😔). Also, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

wc: 2.6k (~340 per character)

Master List | Housewardens | Vicehousewardens

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Cater Diamond

The atmosphere was warm and soft as you both were hanging out in Cater’s room, is what I would like to say, but it was anything but that. You and Cater decided to have a ‘picnic’ (it wasn’t planned, you both bought your lunches and went to eat in the courtyard) and apparently your confession was a little too hot. What did your blabbermouth happen to say (was it really a blabbermouth if you were just telling a trusted friend something personal)? Well, you happened to let slip that you haven’t had your first kiss yet, and for some reason Cater couldn’t wrap his head around that. He didn’t seem to know how to react, mouth opening and closing as he doubted your sentence. You were so pretty and he found himself falling for you so easily, so the thought of no one else seeing you the way he does left him flabbergasted. And the juicy gossip he was (he just needed to understand this better), he kept prying; ‘weren’t you curious?’ yes, ‘has no one asked to?’ no, ‘has no one asked you out?’ no. That last went sent him on a whole other spiral, but he tried to store that in his head for another time. By the end of his little interrogation, he felt frustrated for you. And sevens, that bashful, saddened look made his heart plummet, and gosh did he want to kiss you silly, to prove whatever false things were rattling in your mind at that moment were wrong, and it seemed that Cater’s control was slipping, the suggestion spilling past his lips before he could stop it; ‘we could kiss, just so you know what it feels like.’ His heart leapt as you eyed him like you were actually pondering it, and that little nod of your head made his heart race. The kiss was soft, hesitant, unsure, but sweet. Hands were kept to themselves, unsure how far you were both willing to cross the line, and as you pulled away, the both of you could only long for more.

“W-well, if th-there’s any other firsts you want to break, caycay’s always here~”

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Deuce Spade

The both of you just had the most spectacular date, you had a ton of fun and Deuce seemed to enjoy himself as well. The boy had been a blushing mess, tripping over words and trying to be as gentlemanly as possible, and you were eating up the cute display. He had argued that he couldn’t let you walk home alone, and so there you stood, on your doorstep just a few inches taller than normal. Deuce watched diligently, like there was a chance you would get hurt in the two steps it would take you to get inside (after what you experienced on campus it was a very real fear). You smiled softly at the dark haired boy, thanking him for the wonderful date. In return he managed to blush once more, scratching the back of his neck as he tried to formulate a proper response. So, to tease the poor guy some more, you leaned over and placed a kiss on his cheek, watching on in amusement as Deuce seemed to shut down. You hid your cheeky grin behind your hand as he spluttered, trying to say something, but he managed to cut you off guard as he stared in wonder, face a bright red, muttering out ‘could…could you do that again?’. Who were you to deny him? Holding his cheeks, you placed another kiss, this time on the corner of his lips before you found yourself showering his entire face in kisses. You weren’t sure where all this affection was coming from, but neither of you were complaining. As you pulled away once more, you bit your lip before acting on impulse and leaving the lightest, barely there peck on his lips.

“I-I…u-uh…th-thank you. I…I hope we can go on another date…soon.”

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Ace Trappola

You were rightfully pissed. Ace had been teasing you nonstop about how ‘nobody wanted to date you’, and honestly? It was starting to get under your skin, your old (and normal) insecurities popping up once more. You have been working on it! And just like that he had erased your hard work in improving your mental health. And so what were you doing? Giving him the silent treatment. If he was going to be a jerk then you were going to ignore him. But you weren’t sure how much longer you could handle it, as Ace had been finding any and every way to get on your nerves. You clenched your fist as Ace continued to poke your cheek. You were either going to bite his finger off or twist his arm behind his back if he was going to keep this up. It wasn’t until he asked the dreaded question; ‘what did he do to get you so angry?’ The dam had been broken, and you found yourself venting all your frustrations on him, from his insults to how it affected you, it was all released. The look of horror on the ginger’s face made you feel somewhat satisfied. You were a bit surprised when he apologized so heartfeltly, he genuinely looked appalled at his own behavior for once. It was only a few weeks later when things took a turn. Ace was sleeping at your dorm, and the two of you were hanging out when he asked an out of pocket question; ‘do you wanna kiss?’ It was late, he was too tired to keep his filter up, and gosh did you look kissable (it was the main reason why he was teasing you in the first place). Against your better judgment, you agreed. The kiss was awkward, neither of you sure how far to go, but you’re kinda angry at how much you liked it.

“...you’re better at that than I thought…n-not that I think of kissing you or anything-”

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Jack Howl

You watched the weirdo in front of you with a blank face, wishing you could be anywhere but there. This guy decided he wanted to flirt with you, and he was doing it in the worst way possible. I mean who tries to pick someone up by asking to kiss them outright? You kept glancing at Jack, who stood intimidatingly next to you, buff arms crossed as he glared at the guy, but made no move to say anything. You felt a sneer fall over your lips unconsciously as the guy continued to try and shoot his shot, couldn’t he see he was getting nowhere? You tried to let him down nicely before, so this time you decided to be more blunt, stating that you weren’t interested and you don’t just go out kissing people. That was when the guy lashed out, crying out about how you were a jerk, that you were just like everyone else who only cared about themselves. It was when he looked like he was reaching out for you, and you flinched back for Jack to step in (quite literally). Standing in front of you his glare turned dangerous, fangs showing as he snarled, telling the guy to get lost. The both of you finally relaxed when the guy scrambled to get away, leaving you with the wolf beastman. ‘Thank you,’ You muttered, leaning up and kissing him on the cheek. A smug smile tugged at your lips as Jack glanced away, a soft pink dusting his tanned cheeks. ‘Oh, did I miss?’ you teased, eyes catching the way his ear twitched. So, as the merciful person you were, you leaned up and left a small, short, gentle kiss to his lips.

“Hm, i-if you find yourself in need of help, d-don’t be afraid to come to me.”

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Floyd Leech

You had already found yourself in a tough predicament. You were in the clutches of Floyd Leech when he was in a bad mood. Sure, he was the one who sought you out to squeeze, but you wanted to make sure you didn’t make it worse in any way. So you resigned yourself to your fate as his personal human plushie as he squeezed you from time to time, burying his face in your neck as he grumbled on unintelligently about one thing and another. You brushed your hands through his hair, placing small kisses to the top of his head here and there, feeling relieved as he started to melt in your hold, teeth scraping against your skin as he smiled. You shivered at the sensation, hair on end once more. ‘Oh shrimpy~’ he cooed, giggling like a mad man, face suddenly very much in your own. ‘I wanna kiss’. The request was simple, blunt, but it still left you reeling. You weren’t sure why, in fact, you should be surprised it took so long for him to ask for one, but you still found your eyes widening and breath hitching at the spontaneity of it all. You weren’t sure if you’d ever get used to it (you suppose that was the appeal to Floyd). You could barely get out the words okay before Floyd pressed his lips to yours in a harsh manner, teeth clashing, lips being bit, hand on the back of your head so you couldn’t pull away. In fact, he wouldn’t stop kissing you, it seemed like forever until he finally got his fill.

“Hehe, you better watch out shrimpy~ I’m already craving another.”

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Epel Felmier

Your eyes widened as you eyed the intricately carved apple, turning it around to catch every detail. You weren’t sure what you did to deserve such a gift, but you were flattered nonetheless, your eyes finally raising up to meet Epel’s cyan ones. He looked bashful, cheeks tinted a light pink, eyes unable to meet your own. He tripped over his words, trying to make an excuse, stating that no one else was around so you might as well have it (you’ll ignore the fact that there were, in fact, people swarming around the cafeteria like flies). Without a second thought, you gave him a short peck on the cheek and continued business as usual. It wasn’t until Epel kept doing things for you, something that had only recently started. Epel…wasn’t mean by any means, but he also wasn’t one to help someone from the kindness of his heart. Sure, he’d do something for you before while complaining a ton, but recently he had been doing things without you even asking! It was strange, and he always seemed expectant afterwards, like he was expecting you to do something. Not to mention the little pout he thought he hid when you didn’t seem to do what he was anticipating. So, you decided to confront him, asking him outright what he wanted. Of course, he deflected, stating that he didn’t want anything and you were being crazy. A claim he wasn’t able to hide behind for long as you pointed out all the strange ways he’s been acting. Face burning red, Epel turned away, trying to keep his composure, but you seemed to be determined to break it. Your serious gaze locked onto his figure, there was no getting away from this now. And so, he admitted meekly that he wanted a kiss, and who were you to deny him? With a playful grin, you placed a kiss to his lips, reveling in the way he pushed against you like he was desperate (he had been waiting for this for so long). Pulling away, you teased that he only needed to ask if he wanted another kiss.

“I-I…d-damn, fine…do ya think we could do that again?”

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Silver Vanrouge

A warm breeze tousled Silver’s white locks, his steel grey eyes hidden behind his shut eyelids. His head rested in your lap, face pressed into your thighs. Squirrels and song birds fluttered around you, a small chickadee nestled on the top of your head. It was peaceful, a nice change of pace from your usual chaotic days. As beautiful as the scenery was around you, with green grass fluttering in the wind and colorful flowers swaying about, your gaze couldn’t help but fall down to the occupant in your lap. How his lashes kissed his cheeks, how the sun made his hair shine, how soft his skin was under the pads of your fingers. Silver has become the most breathtaking sight in your eyes, and the bird that roosted in your hair seemed to agree as it let out a soft series of cheeps that smoothed into a blissful melody. You couldn’t help but think about how much better your life has become once he entered your life, how sweet and protective he was, how sassy he could be when his father made an offer to cook. You had come to love all his quirks, how he could drift off to sleep in even the loudest environment or how he’d try to stay up just for you. Unable to hold your affections in for much longer, you placed a kiss against his cheek, heart fluttering when Silver’s lips tugged into a smile. So what else would you do besides lavish his face in sweet kisses? His eyes fluttered open, and you couldn’t help the huge grin that fell on your lips as he looked up at you affectionately. You greeted him with a kiss to the corner of his lips, a cheesy good morning following. The way he stared at you made your heart flutter and stomach tie in knots, but you wouldn’t have it any other way. Sleepily, Silver followed your lips without a second thought connecting them in a warm kiss before pulling away sharply, eyes wide as he apologized for not asking for consent, only to be shut up by your lips meeting once more.

“So it's not a dream…thank you.”

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Sebek Zigvolt

You felt your eye twitch, trying your hardest to keep your composure. It felt like one step forward ten steps backwards when it came to Sebek. You thought you’d finally got to him in some way, only for him to be shouting at you once more for the same thing the next day. Which was happening right now, with him yelling at you about being some lowly human. Just the other day you had a one on one about how those comments hurt you, and he seemed to genuinely understand, so why the hell was he shouting at you again. You had tried throwing insults back, you had tried communicating like a mature person, you had even slapped him once and stormed away in tears! What the hell did you need to do to get through to this hard headed crocodile? Your glare turned sharp as Sebek continued, rambling on about one thing or another. Your exasperation taking over, you grabbed his tie, pulling his face close to yours as you sneered. You were so upset, you didn’t even notice how your noses were touching, instead tearing into Sebek instead. You also didn’t realize how Sebek turned silent, golden green eyes locked onto your figure, cheeks slowly but surely turning bright red. You let out a huff as your rant ended, raising an eyebrow at the half fae’s current state, then suddenly it clicked and an evil grin upturned your lips. Curling your fingers around his tie, you inched your face even closer (somehow), lips hovering over the other. You debated if you should do the evil thing, pull away and leave him hanging, but you also had the urge to kiss him stupid…letting your own desires win, you pushed your lips together in a heated kiss. Sebek was stiff as a board, but slowly melted into the kiss, only for you to pull away, biting his lip in the process.

“Wh-where are you going, human! You cannot k-kiss a knight and walk away without an explanation! H-hey! W-wait up-”

[brittle-doughie]

This Year and You! (Various Fics)

Just a look back at certain stories throughout the months! Can you imagine it’s been another with you and Cookies!

———————————————————————

January - Final Days

“What are you looking at, Y/N Cookie?”

“Hm, oh hey, Pure Vanilla. It’s just..a photo. I took….of me and my friends…”

“Oh? Can I perhaps take a look?”

“N-No, I’m..not ready to share this with others yet. It’s..a sensitive story for me…”

“O-oh, it’s okay! Please, take all the time you need. I’ll be there whenever you’re ready…”

“Yeah…”

You looked at the photo. You and your…former close friends. Smiling, enjoying yourselves.

“Thank you…”

You missed those times together. You had missed your friends. Them. Not what they had become…

———————————————————————

February - Storm Warning

“Where’s Y/N Cookie? Did they skip out on fishing with us today?”

“Yeah, I’d reckon they won’t be fishin’ with us for a while! Something about the ocean havin’ scaring them.”

“They’re afraid of the ocean? I’ve seen them fish in dangerous waters before. You telling me a little storm is scaring them?”

“I tried telling ‘em that. It felt..off when they looked at me in the eyes and whispered somethin’ to me.”

“What was it?”

“That this was no ordinary storm…”

Lightning crashes and thunder booms as the two fishermen cookies jump. They’d normally tried to sweep it under the rug as the storm just picking up.

If not for the sound of crying far off in the distant sea…

———————————————————————

March - Ingrained

You couldn’t move…

Seeing through the vines that shielded you from the outside world, not sure if passing by cookies observing and marveling at you…or the plant that Herb Cookie had become feeding off your life powder…

Vines were pierced into your dough, so you couldn’t even pull them off if you wanted to. You barely had the strength….

Herb Cookie…he said…you wouldn’t die. A part of you actually wished you could…

Or at least wish he was here right now, anything to break the monotony of vines settling and moving around you…

His empty, smiling husk right next to you didn’t exactly look like the type to have conversation with…

———————————————————————

April - The Dessert Report

You had carefully placed the ancient desserts into your office fridge before closing it, locking it by typing in a numbered keypad that was hooked to the fridge on the wall.

“The shift is over, manager. Where is our just dues..?”

You quickly turned around to see Redcap Mushroom and Demoncake Kitsune Cookie hidden in the shadows of your moonlit office.

“Right, right. I know, just let me head to the break room and get them-“

“We saw you place desserts in that fridge just now. We’ll take that…”

“What? I’m sorry, you two. These particular desserts aren’t for anyone to consume.”

Demoncake Kitsune floated fast towards you, leaning down her tall figure to stare directly at you with her glowing red eyes and black slit pupils.

“….”

“Come on, Demoncake. You’re well aware of what I told you both about desserts made from the Ancient Heroes.”

“Then we’ll need double of today’s worth in…pay. We don’t like being held out on, manager~”

“Plenty of Cookies came in today with gifts, that works for me.”

You escorted the two out of your office towards the front of the store.

You take a second to glance back at the locked fridge…

Once you’ve tasted something so s..w..e..e..t, nothing else would ever satisfy…

———————————————————————

May - The Lone Giant

Earthbread officials have declared the Lone Giant a passive hazard that’s meant to stay out of the way of. Attempts to approach the Giant has been met with hostile resistance from a group wearing white masks.

Towns in the path of the Giant are strongly advised to remain indoors until it has passed. Do not attempt to provide aid to Cookies that are outside during these curfews, they are beyond saving.

Do not try to apprehend or go to the Giant as it is considered extremely dangerous, whether the Giant itself or by the hostile group of Cookies spotted close by it.

Many Cookies continue to go missing in the Giant’s path to this day.

———————————————————————

June - Yin and Yang

“I’m sorry, but Y/N Cookie is not in at the moment. Please feel free to leave any message or gift with me.”

“…I see. But do please tell them that I wish to..spend the afternoon with them? Is that right?”

“Right, I’ll go ahead and pencil that in for you, your Majesty-“

“KEEP THE DOOR OPEN! KEEP THE DOOR OPEN!”

Dumpling Cookie and Dark Cacao Cookie turned to see you frantically running towards the castle door, your face completely covered in pink and purple kiss marks! Your culprits in high pursuit behind you, Affogato and Peach Blossom Cookie.

“Oh, why did you have to pull away so soon~ I wasn’t done with our little get-together~”

“Is everything alright, Y/N Cookie~? I had just prepare a special peach bao I prepared just for you.”

“I needed room to breathe!”

You dart in through the gap in the castle door and Dumpling Cookie quickly closes it, turning back to Dark Cacao Cookie.

“Should I tell them of your message?”

———————————————��———————

July - Volition’s End

Dark Cacao Cookie climbed up the steps, having to stop to catch his breath when he noticed the statue of Mystic Flour Cookie…along with another Cookie beside her, one he didn’t recognize.

“That Cookie…who..?”

“That would be Captain Y/N Cookie, a guard of Mystic Flour Cookie, my Lord.”

Cloud Haetae was oddly more..quiet when bringing up this Cookie, something Dark Cacao Cookie noticed.

“Their sole duty was to protect Mystic Flour Cookie at any cost, even the cost of their own live itself. And that’s exactly what they did, defending her from Cookies that burned with hatred.”

“I..had never seen Mystic Flour Cookie act the way she did ever since that day. Kind of like you, my Lord. She cherished Y/N Cookie more than anything, holding onto their crumbled body as she returned to her cocoon. Because all she needed was them..”

“Have you ever experienced the feeling of emptiness for so long, my Lord?”

———————————————————————

August - Feathered Envy

“Tell me, truly! Who’s the most beautiful of us two? It’s very clear that it’s me, right?”

“Well…”

“Please, allow my precious to answer for themselves. Their answer must come from the bottom of their heart..”

“What? Are you afraid that my darling little Cookie may prefer the more beautiful one between us, Sugar Swan Cookie?”

“Let them answer for themself.”

“It’s clear who they’ll pick anyway. You might as well fly off already. The season is waiting for you-“

“The season can wait. Let them answer truthfully.”

———————————————————————

September - Tale of the Forced Hand

“Will you be alright, Y/N Cookie?”

You gave Pure Vanilla Cookie a reassuring nod, but you kept clutching your head.

“Yeah…yeah, I’ll be okay. I-I don’t know what happened back there. I just saw you all in danger and something in me just..wanted to do something to help.”

“That power you displayed, it was something Shadow Milk Cookie didn’t expect, yet relished in.”

“That smile of his, he knew something..but what was it…”

“Regardless, it’s possible he’s alerted the other Beasts about you. If what he had done was anything, he may not be willing to let you go a second time.”

“Something’s going on here, Pure Vanilla Cookie. It’s like I…remembered Shadow Milk Cookie, but..I didn’t know him at the same time either…”

“Y/N Cookie, could it be that..”

“No. There’s no way. I’ve lived an ordinary life since the beginning! I remember traveling and staying at the Cookie Kingdom when it used to be rubble.”

“Shadow Milk Cookie’s word cannot help trusted…”

“..yet his words always carry a speck of truth. No, I..couldn’t be this Compassion, right?”

———————————————————————

October - Five Nights with Dragons

“Is everything alright with the Great Dragon recently?

“I don’t know, they’ve been acting different since the sacrifice a while ago…”

“Did they..actually get the sacrifice..?”

“They did, I was there to check out the aftermath, the whole place was a mess. Yet, not a crumb was in sight on the floor.”

“Then what happened to the sacrifice?”

“No one knows. The cameras only caught the Great Dragons dragging them out of the home.”

“Then why…why is the Great Dragon angrier then they’ve ever been before?”

———————————————————————

November - Cookie to the Rescue

“So, you really endangered yourself to rescue Golden Osmanthus Cookie is what I’m hearing.”

“Pretty much. I wasn’t going to just leave her, Dumpling Cookie. I didn’t care if I crumbled off an arm to do so!”

“That’s quite the strong feeling towards a Cookie you’ve only met for a little while..”

“So what? Are you going to be like Crowned about this?”

“I was only asking, ‘kay? Remember that this kingdom needs you, Y/N Cookie. You can’t always throw yourself into danger and come out of it all right.”

“I know…”

“But seeing you go out of your way to help others, it’s one of the many things I like you about, Y/N.”

“O-Oh! Thank you, Dumpling Cookie.”

“So..what’s your relationship with Golden Osmanthus?”

“So nosy!”

———————————————————————

December - Destructive Influence

You hurried into a quiet part of the arena locker rooms, quickly pulling the small bit of incense you had stashed away. Taking a deep breath of its fragrance, you felt his influence slip away bit by bit as your mind calms down.

“And just what are you doing?”

“Keeping you from going out of control. What was that back there?! I-I thought you were just going to rough them up a little, not completely tear those three apart!”

“Hahaha! Why would I hold back against pathetic worms who crumble at the first sign of strength such as mine! I helped you and your bunch of friends, you OWE me.”

“I owe you nothing. You could’ve crumbled them! They may be..not the best sort of Cookies, but-“

“But WHAT?! Will you allow these weak, so weak Cookies to push you around?! Or will you allow me to show you the type of power you can have? Where no Cookie in your way will be able to stop you!”

“I…”

“Or will you end up as dust on like any other Cookie before you…?”

You looked at your right hand, it was trembling as it clenched into a fist. You felt a burning sensation coursing through your very dough, as if he was manifesting his power through it.

“Your enemy will not show mercy. Are you not going to give them the same or are you going to them every ounce of power that COURSES THROUGH YOUR DOUGH?!”

“ENOUGH!”’

You punched the wall in front of you, making the room tremble as you make a large dent in the wall. The burning faded as did Burning Spice’s influence..

Thank Swan for Golden Osmanthus Cookie’s incense. You only hope it can remain effective for as long as you needed it…

———————————————————————

It’s been a great year with you all! Here’s to another!

[buzzinrusso]

second chances?

Where ex lovers run into eachother.

Word count : 3k

The snow falls softly, dusting the cobblestone streets and clinging to rooftops like powdered sugar. Christmas lights twinkle above the market stalls, casting warm glows on the festive scene below. The air smells of pine, roasted chestnuts, and cinnamon, and everything feels like it’s straight out of a holiday movie—a perfect postcard moment.

But for you,it’s not perfect. Not anymore.

You pull your scarf tighter around your neck, the chill creeping into your bones. You’d promised yourself you wouldn’t come here today, but something in you—something stubborn and nostalgic—had drawn you back. The market was always your favorite part of Christmas, and for a long time, it was something you shared with Lena. The two of you used to come every year, hand in hand, sipping mulled cider and picking out ornaments that you never really needed but bought anyway.

You shake your head, forcing yourself to focus on the present, to stop the memories from swallowing you whole.

It’s been months since Lena left.

Months since she walked away from you and everything you thought you had.

And now, standing in the middle of the busy market, you realize just how badly you’ve been pretending to be okay. You should’ve stayed home, away from this place, away from the past. But you didn’t. The weight of the memories is heavy on your chest, and you feel like you might break under its pressure.

And then you see her.

You freeze. For a moment, you’re sure it’s a trick of the light. But no—there she is, standing a few feet away, bundled in a dark coat and scarf, looking exactly the same and somehow completely different. Her hair peeks out from beneath the knitted hat, and her eyes meet yours before she blinks, like she’s not sure she’s seeing you either.

Your heart jumps in your chest. You want to walk away. You want to turn around and pretend this isn’t happening. But you can’t move.

Her gaze softens, and she steps forward hesitantly, like she’s testing the waters. Her eyes are wide, filled with something you can’t quite place.

“y/n?” she says, her voice thick with disbelief.

The way she says your name, it breaks something inside of you. You thought you were done. You thought you’d buried it all, that the past was something you could leave behind. But here she is, standing right in front of you, and everything inside you shifts. It’s as if time hasn’t passed at all. The ache in your chest feels as fresh as the moment she left.

“Lena.” The word slips from your lips before you can stop it.

You see her flinch, just for a second, and you hate how it makes you feel. It’s not supposed to matter anymore. She’s the one who left, after all. But still, you can’t help the rush of emotions that hit you all at once. Anger, sadness, relief, longing.

“What are you doing here?” You ask, trying to keep your voice steady, but it cracks. You hate how fragile it sounds.

“Just… looking,” Lena replies, her voice barely above a whisper.

“For what?” you ask, the words leaving your mouth sharper than you intended. You can’t seem to help it. You’re still angry, still so deeply hurt.

Lena looks down, rubbing her hands together, and the silence between you stretches. It’s thick and heavy, like you’re both too scared to say the wrong thing.

You almost turn away. Almost. But then, she looks up at you again, her eyes searching yours like she’s trying to find the right words.

“I didn’t think I’d see you here,” Lena says, her voice small.

“Me neither,” you mutter, shifting on your feet. You try to move away, but she steps closer, and something inside you tightens.

“I… I should go,” Lena says suddenly, stepping back like she’s afraid you’ll push her away.

And for a moment, you almost want to. But then something else rises up in you, something too tired to ignore. It’s been so long. You’ve spent so many nights missing her, hating her, hoping that she might come back. And here she is.

“Wait,” you say, before you can stop yourself.

She freezes, her hand hovering in midair. She’s looking at you again, searching for something in your eyes. The moment hangs between you, fragile and uncertain.

“Please,” you whisper, your voice faltering. “Just… wait.”

Lena hesitates, looking torn. You know you’ve hurt her—left her when she needed you most. But you can’t stop the words from spilling out, can’t stop the part of you that still wants her.

Finally, she nods, and you both walk to a nearby bench. It’s tucked away from the bustling market, quieter here, but it doesn’t feel peaceful. It feels like the calm before a storm. You sit beside her, close but not touching, like you’re both too afraid to cross the invisible line between you.

“So..."lena says softly, after a long silence. Her voice is shaky, unsure, and it kills you to hear it like that.

You swallow, trying to steady yourself. It’s not easy. You don’t know how to start, don’t know how to face the mess you’ve both made.

“I’m sorry,” Lena says, her voice breaking just slightly.

You blink, surprised. “That’s it?” you ask, your voice sharper than you intend.

She flinches, and your chest tightens at the sight. You didn’t mean to hurt her again. But you can’t help it. You’ve been carrying the weight of her leaving for so long that it feels like it might crush you if you don’t say something.

“No,” she says quickly. “No, it’s not. I just—” She runs a hand through her hair, like she’s trying to find the right words, but they’re tangled up in the same mess of emotions that you’re both holding onto. “I don’t know where to start.”

You nod, your lips pressing into a thin line. “Maybe start with why you left.”

Lena’s face falls. You see the flicker of pain in her eyes, and it cuts you deeper than you expect. She takes a deep breath, and for a moment, you think she might not say anything. But then, finally, her voice comes, quiet and broken.

“Because I was scared,” she admits, and it’s as though all the air leaves the space between you. “I was scared of losing you, of how much I loved you.”

You don’t know what to say to that. She wasn’t the only one who was scared. You were too. You still are.

“I thought I was going to ruin everything,” Lena continues, her voice thick with emotion. “And I couldn’t live with the idea of you waking up one day and realizing I wasn’t enough for you.” She pauses, her gaze dropping to the ground. “So I ran. I left before you could leave me.”

The words hang in the air, heavy with the weight of all the things that were left unsaid. You can feel the anger rising again, but it’s not just anger anymore. It’s hurt. It’s betrayal. It’s all the years of being afraid to love her because you weren’t sure if you could trust her.

You shake your head, your heart pounding in your chest. “But you didn’t have to run, Lena,” you whisper, your voice barely above a breath. “You could’ve stayed. You could’ve fought for us.”

“I know,” she replies, her voice tight. “And I hate myself for it. But I was so afraid. And now… now I can’t take it back.”

You stare at her, trying to make sense of what she’s saying. How do you go back after all of this? How do you forgive something like this, when the wound still feels so fresh?

“I know I hurt you,” Lena says softly. “And I know I don’t deserve forgiveness. But I need you to know that I never stopped loving you. Not for a second.” She looks up at you, and there’s something raw in her gaze. Something vulnerable that makes your heart ache.

You want to scream at her, to tell her that she doesn’t get to just show up and make everything better with a few words. But instead, you say nothing. You just sit there, letting her words sink in, letting the silence hang between you.

“I don’t know how to fix this,” Lena whispers. “But I’ll do anything. Anything to make it right.”

You close your eyes for a moment, letting the weight of her words wash over you. You’ve spent so many months in pain, convincing yourself that you’d be better off without her. But now she’s here, and all the walls you’ve built are starting to crumble.

“Why did you leave?” Lena asks, her voice quieter now. “Why didn’t you stay? Why didn’t you fight for us?” She’s reaching for something—some answer that you don’t know how to give her. And it makes you feel so small.

You want to tell her everything. The fear. The uncertainty. The way you never thought you could be enough for her. But how do you say those things when your heart is still tangled up in the wreckage she left behind?

You may not have left physically,but you certainly left mentally.

And then, with a deep breath, you say, “I was scared too.”

Lena doesn’t say anything. she just looks at you, her eyes wide with something you can’t name. And for the first time in a long time, you feel the possibility of something else—a chance, however fragile, that maybe, just maybe, you could find your way back to each other.

The silence stretches, heavy with the weight of your words. The words you’ve never said before, the truth that’s been buried beneath layers of pride and fear. It feels both freeing and terrifying to admit it out loud.

Lena’s gaze softens, her lips trembling like she’s fighting against something—tears, maybe, or just the overwhelming flood of emotion that’s been building for months. She opens her mouth to speak, but no sound comes out at first.

“I didn’t know,” she says finally, her voice cracking. “I didn’t know you were scared too.” She looks down at her hands, rubbing them together as if trying to ground herself, trying to make sense of everything that’s happened.

You nod slowly, your eyes tracing the patterns in the snow beneath your boots. "I think I was more scared of being left behind, of never being enough. I couldn’t let myself be that vulnerable with you." The admission feels raw, the truth cutting deeper than you expected.

Lena’s gaze is gentle as she watches you, her own pain evident in the way she’s holding herself. "I thought you’d never love me the way I loved you," she whispers, and there’s an edge to her voice now, one that carries the ache of regret. "I thought I had to leave before you realized I was too broken for you."

The cold bite of the winter air seems to grow more pronounced as you sit there, in the space between you two, the distance once again palpable. But this time, it's not about rejection—it's about understanding, raw and real, in a way you’ve never experienced.

"Do you ever think about what we could have had?" Lena asks softly, her voice quiet but steady.

It’s a question that leaves you still, leaves you breathless. Do you ever think about it? Of course you do. You think about it every day—about the Christmases you spent together, about the laughter you shared, the soft moments when it felt like you were a part of each other. It was the kind of love that seemed invincible, until it wasn’t.

"I think about it every day," you answer honestly, the words slipping past your lips without hesitation. "But I also think about how much it hurt when you left. How you didn’t even try to fight for us. How it felt like you gave up."

You can’t stop yourself now. You’ve held it in for so long, and now it all comes pouring out—your fears, your pain, your loneliness. "You left me, Lena. You didn’t even look back. And that hurt more than anything."

Her breath hitches, and for a moment, it looks like she’s about to break. But she doesn’t. Instead, she looks at you with such sincerity in her eyes that it almost knocks the wind out of you.

"I didn’t leave because I didn’t care about you," she says softly, her voice low and trembling. "I left because I loved you so much that I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. I thought leaving was the only way to protect us both."

The way she says it—so fragile, so raw—hits you harder than anything she’s said so far. You thought you were done with her, that you could move on. But as much as you want to stay angry, as much as you want to keep the distance between you, a part of you still feels the pull. That old connection, the one you buried beneath all the hurt, begins to resurface.

You take a shaky breath, the words threatening to tumble out before you can stop them. "I never wanted you to leave, Lena. I just… I didn’t know how to stay in something that felt so uncertain. I didn’t know how to fight for us when I was so afraid of losing myself."

Your withdrawal wasn’t out of a lack of love, but from fear—fear of vulnerability, fear of losing yourself, and fear of an uncertain future with Lena.

For a moment, neither of you says anything. The snow falls gently around you, blanketing the world in silence. But it’s not the cold that’s suffocating—it’s the weight of everything unsaid between you, the things you’ve both been holding back, the memories that you’re not sure whether to cherish or curse.

Lena reaches out then, her hand trembling as she brushes a stray lock of hair behind your ear. It’s a simple gesture, one that used to feel so natural, so effortless. But now it feels like it carries a thousand unspoken words. The moment hangs there, charged with the quiet intensity of everything that has been left unresolved between you.

“I know I hurt you,” Lena says quietly, her voice thick with emotion. “And I don’t know if I can ever make it right. But I need you to know that I’ll do whatever it takes to earn back your trust. To prove to you that I’m not running this time.”

You feel the vulnerability in her words, the openness that she’s never shown before. And for the first time in months, something shifts inside you. Maybe it’s the way she looks at you, or maybe it’s the tenderness in her voice that pulls at something deep inside of you. But whatever it is, it cuts through the walls you’ve built.

You close your eyes, letting the feeling wash over you, a storm of emotion breaking over the dam you’ve tried so hard to keep in place. "I don’t know if I can trust you again," you whisper, your voice unsteady. "But I want to. I want to believe that we can fix this."

Lena’s eyes search yours, and she takes a deep breath, her gaze intense. "Then let me show you. Let me prove that I’m here to stay. I’ll do whatever it takes."

You nod slowly, your heart pounding in your chest, unsure of what comes next. But you can’t bring yourself to pull away. The old hurt is still there, lodged in the deepest parts of you, but the possibility of something new—something real—feels almost too tempting to resist.

For the first time in a long while, you allow yourself to feel something other than pain. You let yourself feel hope.

"Okay," you say softly, your voice barely a whisper. "But I’m not making promises. I need time."

Lena’s lips tremble, and you see the tears she’s been holding back, the weight of her regret and guilt, threatening to spill over. But she doesn’t cry. Instead, she smiles—a small, tentative thing, but it’s enough. It’s more than enough.

"I’ll wait," Lena says softly, and the sincerity in her voice makes your chest tighten. "I’ll wait as long as you need."

You don’t know what the future holds. You don’t know if this is the beginning of something new or if it’s just another false hope. But for the first time in a long time, you’re willing to take the risk. Maybe this time, things will be different. Maybe, just maybe, you can find your way back to each other.

And with that thought in mind, you take a deep breath, let it go, and step forward—into the unknown, into the second chance you’ve both been waiting for.

Christmas Day

The morning of Christmas is peaceful, quiet. The snow has stopped falling, and the world is wrapped in a blanket of white. You and Lena sit by the window, sipping your coffee, both of you lost in the moment.

It’s not perfect. It’s not how you imagined things would be. But it’s real. And right now, that’s enough.

Lena reaches for your hand, her fingers trembling slightly, but you don’t pull away. You let her hold you. You let her in.

And as the Christmas bells ring in the distance, you know that, for the first time in a long time, there’s hope for a future you once thought was lost.

-----

HELLOO!! Merry Christmas my loves <33 this is the first part of my Christmas trilogy 🤶 I will admit this is one of the longest fics I've written and it took me like 2 weeks and I kept having chat gpt spell check for mistakes...

[itwasntimethatdidit40]

Merry Christmas, baby.

Pairing: Marcus Pike x f!reader Rating: just a little tiny bit of smut so still +18 but it’s mostly a huge pile of angst and fluff soooo Words Count: 10669 😵‍💫 Tags: POV second person, reader wears dresses, skirts, blouses and heels, she uses make up, she’s a journalist and a writer, no physical description of her is given besides having hair, angst, fluff, friends to lovers, slow burn, loss of a parent, infidelity, divorce, mention of food, alcohol consumption, both reader and Pike are bad at feelings, swearing, slurs, dirty talk, quarrels, reconciliations, funeral, sharing a bed, kissing, sad thoughts, casual encounters, mention of coffee, mention of spring break activities, geography probably a bit random (but I looked at the maps, don't jump down my throat, I did research and I've actually been to Boston many years ago, I tried my best lol), brief mention of Teresa. I hope I haven't forgotten anything, if so I'll add it immediately. A/N: Written for @pedrostories Secret Santa event, hello @letsgobarbs, I’m your Secret Santa! 🤶 Happy Christmas Eve, I hope you'll have a wonderful holiday season! 🎄 I hope you enjoy this story and I hope you find the angst, yearning and pining you wanted. Among the characters you had indicated as favorites there was Pike and I liked the idea of ​​trying to write him for the first time, he is so sweet and cute and he deserves to be happy, I hope I gave him an ending worthy of him 🥹 I apologize if you find any mistakes, English is not my first language and I don't have a beta so I did it all with just one pair of stupid and tired eyes 😵‍💫

A huge thanks goes to all the lovely people who supported me through the process while I was having a full crisis about everything in this fic 😂 @baronessvonglitter @almostempty @arcanefox207 @joelmillerisapunk I love you all, happy holidays 🥰

1990

“So what do you think?” 

“Um...you're good” You've just heard the ugliest Take on Me cover ever, but you can't tell the guy standing in front of you and looking at you with hopeful eyes. 

Marcus is your best friend, you've known him for a couple of years, since both of you were two dorky freshmen at your new school. You were looking for the literature room and wandering lost in the hallways when Marcus asked if you needed help. You bonded right away because you didn't know anyone else, you had just moved to Sacramento because of your father's job and he was from Texas, so it had seemed natural to lean on each other.

Over time you had become such good friends that he had met your parents, he would often stay for dinner, and your dad would let him use your garage to rehearse with his band. 

Marcus had put up flyers at school and enlisted two other boys, Timmy and Dave, who became the guitarist and keyboardist of Rocket Baby Doll. The name of the band was terrible, they were terrible, but you had never had the courage to tear them down in the face of Marcus's enthusiasm, he was sure that by continuing to rehearse they would make great progress. 

With his smooth talk, Marcus had managed to convince the committee to let them play at the freshmen's Christmas dance.

“You'll see that one day we'll be on the cover of Rolling Stone,” Marcus joked. Or at least you hoped he was joking because otherwise you wouldn't know how to talk him out of it. 

Marcus was a dreamer and he liked to do it big. He wanted to be a musician, or maybe an FBI agent, he told you. Two careers that had nothing to do with each other, but you knew that if anyone could afford to have ambitions it was him. Marcus was tenacious, persistent, dedicated, and never afraid to work hard to get what he wanted.  He certainly wasn't going to end up on the cover of Rolling Stone, but in your heart you were certain he was going to accomplish something important.

He was the kind of boy mothers liked, in fact yours loved him. When you needed math tutoring, he would come to your house totally for free and explain whatever you didn’t understand.

When Molly Preston wanted to exclude you from the winter dance because her ex-boyfriend, Ryder, had asked you out, he had been the one to give her a speech.

When you had a bad day Marcus would take you to get your favorite ice cream, you would talk for hours, and in the end he was the only one who could cheer you up.

Whatever problems you had, Marcus was there for you landing an helping hand. 

You knew your mother not too secretly hoped you would get together but it never happened, Marcus was your friend, just a great friend.

“Come on, my mom made cookies for everyone,” you told him as he continued to fantasize about what you might do. You would be their manager and you would both become rich and famous. He just couldn't keep his feet on the ground, even though he was a very good student and even had better grades than you.

You were 17 years old, your whole lives ahead of you, and you hoped that you will remain friends for many years to come.

_____________________________________________

1993

“What do you mean there is only one room available! We had booked two!” 

Marcus had yelled at the front desk of a motel where you stopped for the night. 

The owner, a rather creepy guy with a long scar on his right cheek, slumps in his shoulders, heedless “If you want number 12 is free, otherwise you can take your asses somewhere else for all I care.”

Marcus was fuming. 

It was spring break, any hotel was totally booked, and the possibilities were already significantly reduced given your pockets. 

You didn't even want to come; you had just broken up with Derek, your college boyfriend, and were back at your parents' house with the intention of spending your vacation there healing your wounds. Vegetating on the couch, reading books, watching movies, just relaxing. That was what you wanted to do. But Marcus had insisted, “Erik, Alice, Kate and Robert are in San Diego, let's join them!” 

You had shaken your head and declined “No way, I've seen enough wild college parties and besides, I'm not really in the mood.” 

“Oh come on, you don't want to spend Spring Break crying over that jerk,” he had said, shrugging and looking at you with his big brown puppy-dog eyes. 

“Marcus, I really don't feel like it.” 

“Come on, please do it for me! You'll see we'll have fun, they're nice!” Surrounding yourself with drunk and stoned 20-year-olds was the least of your desires. 

But on the other hand you felt you couldn't say no to him, it had been months since you had seen each other, your relationships had been reduced to long letters and phone calls telling each other about each other's schools.

You had chosen different colleges, Marcus had been accepted at Berkeley in California and you were at Boston University. You had changed coast, climate, everything. You were content but adjusting the first months had not been easy, you felt homesick and you missed your best friend. You were happy for him, you had known since your senior year that you were going to separate but that hadn't made it easy for you. 

You had only seen each other in person at Thanksgiving.

He had been forced to go to his relatives in Nevada for Christmas.

So you got dragged down to San Diego, because deep down Marcus was right, brooding all vacation about the relationship with Derek would not be good for you. You had had other guys before him but Derek had been special, until you found out he was cheating on you. You cried for hours on the phone with Marcus and he listened to you the whole time so maybe you owed him a little too.

After insisting on getting at least a room refund, Marcus had turned to you displeased “apparently we have no other choice.” 

“We'll adjust” you had smiled, but you couldn't deny that you were a little nervous. 

Once in the room he, too, seemed self-conscious. 

There was a double bed with a hideous floral bedspread in the middle of the room, brownish carpeting on the floor, dingy pictures hanging on the walls, and an old dresser on the opposite side of the bed with a rickety TV on it.

A smell of cheap deodorant with a musty undertone wafted around. It was the worst room I had ever set foot in, but at this point there was nothing you could do but make it okay. Sleeping in the car didn't seem so appealing.

You had set your bags down and looked at each other awkwardly “This room is awful,” Marcus had whispered, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand “I'm sorry, it didn't look that bad from the brochure.” 

“It's not your fault, I bet those pictures were taken at least 20 years ago” you had laughed ”it will do for one night” 

You had retrieved your pajamas from the suitcase and went to the bathroom. The light blue tiles made it look like a hospital, there was an old plastic curtain in the shower and the sink looked like it had been through a war but at least it looked clean. There was a strong smell of disinfectant that made you a little nauseous. You had changed quickly and returned to your room to Marcus who was sitting on the bed intent on calling his parents “Yes mom, everything is fine, we will be back tomorrow. Yes, sure, don't worry I'll definitely say hello to her, she's in her room now” You had noticed that he had not said anything about your misadventure, you had sat down smiling on the opposite side of the bed trying to be silent. 

Marcus had rolled his eyes closing the call “she is so old-fashioned.” 

You had laughed “I find her lovely” 

Marcus had chuckled “we'd better sleep, we have a lot of driving tomorrow. Are you okay with that side?”

“Yes, it’s fine” you had nodded ”however I'd rather get this bedspread out of the way, it gives me nightmares even when awake” 

Marcus had observed it agreeing that yes, it was rather eerie.

You had taken it off and laid it on the dresser before slipping under cold, scratchy and wrinkled sheets.

You looked at each other and burst out laughing, the situation was comical to say the least. “God, I think I won't forget this bed for a long time,” Marcus had said. 

“It feels like being in a burlap sack.” You had laughed.

“Could you not squirm like that?” 

“Sorry, I'm just looking for ways to be comfortable,” you had said, ”Mattress is lumpy.” 

You had laid on your side with your back to him and closed your eyes, trying to sleep. 

“So, did you have a good time?” you had heard Marcus whisper.

“Yes” you had replied “thank you” And it was true, his friends were really nice. You had bonded with the girls and exchanged addresses and phone numbers “you were right, I needed a vacation”

“I know, I'm always right” he had sentenced from the other end of the bed.  

You had turned to look at him "oh sure, like the other night when we ended up at that beach party and you said it was allowed and then we had to run away because the police were coming?”

“It was just a little misjudgment!” He retorted.

You had burst out laughing again “come on, sleep, Mr I know everything”

Marcus had turned off the lamp on the bedside table, next to the phone with which he had just called his mother “Hey...I need to tell you something” you had heard him say. 

“What?” the tone had suddenly changed and you felt confused, you looked over your shoulder at him in the dark. 

“I kissed Alice the other night” he seemed awkward in telling you and you didn't understand why.

“Oh. Well, good for you. She's a lovely girl” he was your friend, you were happy for him. 

If it weren't for the fact that you secretly hoped he would kiss you. You'd been thinking about it for a few days, ever since you'd seen him come out of the water while you were at the beach.

It had seemed to you that everything had started moving in slow motion, your eyes glued to his tanned skin, to his broad shoulders, to the way the water slid over his chest in little droplets that died on the waistband of his swimsuit. It was a feeling you had never experienced before in five years of knowing him. You had never seen Marcus as anything more than a friend, but in that moment, with his hair disheveled, his skin wet, a smile plastered on his face as he told you and the others that ocean was great, he had seemed like a vision, and you had felt your cheeks heat up. 

Where on earth that attraction came from you didn't know, but it had hit you hard and clear, like a bump on the head that had suddenly awakened you. You had convinced yourself that your brain was doing this to protect you from painful memories with Derek, lingering on your closest friend who had never let you down. Your trust in men was at its lowest, and Marcus had always reassured you, kept you out of trouble, and he was most reliable guy you had ever known.

He said he would do something and he always, unfailingly did it. You could not say the same about Derek or any other guy you had ever been with.

You had tried to chase that feeling away, burying it in the corner of your mind for all the following days; you didn't want to ruin the friendship between you, and you were pretty sure he didn't feel the same way about you.

Sure, you thought you kissed him on your 18s birthday while you were drunk, but the next morning you were so ashamed that you hadn't even told him about it, pretended you didn't remember anything and that it had never happened. Marcus had done the same, and everything had ended there. Two years had passed since that night, you had gone to college, you had both had more or less long relationships.

That one kiss was now so far away that you had listed it among “once-in-a-lifetime mistakes.”

"I wanted to tell you, that's it. Friends tell each other everything, right?"

“Yes, of course, you can tell me anything, I’m happy for you” you replied 

You had listened to Marcus talk about the girls he liked dozens of times and you had never cared, you would have certainly forgotten it, it was just a passing crush, you told yourself. That annoyance you felt, that bitter taste in your throat, would disappear after a night's sleep. Your friendship was more important, you wouldn't have ruined it just because your brain had thought it interesting to make it something more.

Yet when you had tried to sleep all you had seen was Marcus kissing Alice. You had not seen them, fortunately, but it was not a hard scene to imagine, and unfortunately it was now implanted in your brain. His strong arms holding her, his soft lips resting on hers, her surrounding his neck with her arms, her pelvis rubbing against his. Suddenly you couldn't stand it. You had narrowed your eyes, cursing your creative mind, grunting in frustration. 

“Hey, is everything okay?” had asked Marcus from the other side of the bed.

You had lied, of course, but you had kept brooding until you fell asleep exhausted by the workings of your brain.

In the morning you had woken up confused, not at all rested, and in his arms.

Your face was resting on his chest next to your hand. How had you ended up there like that? You didn't know. You felt like you didn't know anything anymore. 

He was blissfully asleep. He seemed unaware of anything as your throat was dry, your head ached, and your pussy throbbed. Yes, throbbing, desperately. The warmth of his body, the scent of his skin, that knowledge you felt inside that this was exactly what you wanted and you couldn't even quantify how long you had wanted it.

And the panic that had seized you immediately afterward. You were convinced it was a mistake, the most terrible mistake you could make. So why did it feel so right? Why did his body feel like it was made for you? Oh no, no you couldn't allow that. Certainly he had no idea whatsoever about the situation, there was no way he was aware and let you do it, it was all your fault. 

You were going to ruin everything, your friendship, your relationship with the one man who really seemed to understand and support you. And for what? To fuck him once? It wasn't going to work between you romantically. You were going to have to spend two more years away seeing each other only during the holidays to begin with, and then you were both stubborn, too proud...no, it was wrong, you didn't care what your body told you, you had to let your brain prevail.

You slowly slipped away, back to your side of the bed, practically holding your breath, cursing yourself and your heart that wouldn't stop hammering in the middle of your chest.

He had woken up shortly after, acted as usual, getting up, stretching in his T-shirt and basketball shorts, mumbled good morning to you and locked himself in the bathroom. 

Your eyes had slid lasciviously over his body, stealing glances of his exposed skin between his T-shirt and shorts, of his broad shoulders stretching the fabric, of his thighs...

All while you wanted to sink into a black hole and disappear forever. You sank your face into the pillow to keep yourself from screaming. 

And what was worse was that you had to carry the burden of what you felt alone because the person you would normally talk to about it was the one you were longing for. Wonderful, a wonderful situation. 

When he had come out of the bathroom, with his beautiful smile and that rough voice that he always had early in the morning you almost lost control. You were about to beg him to join you in bed. Ugh, your 20s, uncontrollable, stupid, senseless hormones.

“What are you waiting for? Come on, go get dressed, we have to leave,” he had told you, in the same friendly and vaguely mocking tone as always. 

“Oh. yes, thank you, I promise I will be quick.” You had stammered.

You got up, grabbed some random clothes from your suitcase, your beauty case and went to the bathroom to shower and change. He would be ready in 10 minutes at most so he would always let you go to the bathroom first, to give you time to do your makeup and fix your hair. Marcus knew that about you, too, and he was okay with that. 

You closed the door behind you, feeling the tears stinging your eyes. You had managed to hold them back until that moment, but in the shower, covered by his of the water, they had flowed copiously and salty down your cheeks. 

____________________________________________

2000

“Hey! How are you! My goodness, long time no see!” 

You had met him at the supermarket, as you were going around the shelves intent on shopping for your mother. 

You were back at your parents' house for Thanksgiving with your husband, John. 

The last person you thought you would see was him. 

“Marcus!” you had squeaked.

“I am fine! How are you? And Danielle?” 

Your mother had taken it upon herself to inform you that he had also married, had no children, and had become a detective. 

“Danielle is just fine, she is right there down the aisle picking potatoes according to my mother's exact instructions,” he had rolled his eyes, chuckling.

Damn, you had thought, he's breathtakingly handsome. 

You hoped that in all the years you had lost touch with each other he would have lost at least some of his hair like his father, but apparently he had not inherited that gene. His hair was thick and healthy as usual, he wore a gray T-shirt under a black leather jacket and a pair of dark blue jeans. You hated the way he could put on two random things and look so damn perfect while you felt like you had spent your whole life in front of your closet wondering what to wear. And even more you hated his smile, so friendly and sweet, that it hadn't changed at all. 

He seemed genuinely glad to see you. 

You had lost touch with each other after graduation, despite the advent of cell phones, computers, and email. Your friendship had survived handwritten letters, postcards, prepaid phone cards but still crumbled eventually. You were on the opposite coast, intent on your master's degree, dreaming of becoming a writer; he was hooked on a career in law enforcement. 

The letters had become fewer and fewer, as had the phone calls, and eventually what was there had simply slipped away as the months passed, the commitments increased, and each of you tried to become the adult you had dreamed of being.

You had thought it was much better this way, you had stifled your feelings for him for another four years before accepting that nothing would ever happen. You had dated other guys in the meantime, but Marcus had always remained in your mind as the perfect guy you could never have. It was only when you had met John that you had allowed yourself to think that maybe it could work with someone who was not your old friend. He was understanding, sweet, supportive, present and caring with you. John was a really good guy and so you had finally decided to marry him. He had asked you one spring day at the Public Garden, while you were eating a lobster sandwich under a tree in front of the pond, watching the swans. Your offices were close by, so you tried to spend your lunch break together as often as you could. You had gotten a job at the Boston Globe, were in charge of the wedding column, and wrote romance novels in your spare time, sending manuscripts left and right in the hope that some editor would notice them. John was a stockbroker, pragmatic, punctual and very thorough in his work as much as he was sweet and attentive with you. 

“How about we get married?” he simply had said to you, with his mouth full. You had laughed, thought he was joking, until you noticed his serious and hopeful look and exclaimed “oh my God, yes!” throwing your sandwich in the air and wrapping your arms around his neck. That was all you wished for. You had moved in together in a beautiful house downtown, not very big but lovely, you had fallen in love with it as soon as you saw it. It was bright and warm, the right place to start your life with John.

You had, of course, sent an invitation to Marcus as well, but he had declined, saying he was very busy with work. You had kind of tied it on your finger and so you had decided that he might as well get out of your life after all. Times change, people change, all I can do is move on and try to forget how I feel about him by devoting myself to my relationship with John, you thought.

Now that you had him in front of you again though, he looked the same as he always did, only grown. And your heart had skipped a beat the instant you recognized his voice greeting you.

“How long do you plan to stay?” you had asked out of pure courtesy. 

“About a week, we were able to take a few days to relax a bit. We're always working like crazy, you know, we both needed to get away for a while. How about you?” 

“Yes, us too, by the way if you remember Sunday is my father's birthday and my mother really wanted us to be there.” 

“I guess. By the way, I'm sorry. My mother told me when we arrived.” 

Your father had been ill for several months and unfortunately there was little left to do at that point. He was slowly fading away and it would probably be the last Thanksgiving you would spend together.

“I thank you. Oh here's John. John this is Marcus, an old friend of mine. Marcus, this is John, my husband.”

“Nice to meet you, Marcus,” John had said, shaking his hand. 

“Honey, I'm done, shall we go?” had chirped Danielle's voice as she approached you. 

“Yes love, but first let me introduce you to an old friend of mine and her husband” Marcus had told her softly. 

“Oh it's you! Marcus has told me several times about you! It's nice to finally meet you in person.”

Danielle was beautiful, dark hair, blue eyes and delicate features, a little nose that looked as if it had been drawn by an artist, full lips, high cheekbones and a well-proportioned chin. Her voice was melodious and sweet and she looked at you with an excited and surprised expression, " He didn't tell me you were so pretty!" 

“Oh, thank you, you are too,” you had said, slightly embarrassed by such kindness. At that point John had held you proudly, as if you were his greatest prize. His arm had wrapped around your waist, and his eyes looked at you lovingly "didn't she? I'm lucky that she married me." 

Danielle had laughed graciously and shook his hand introducing herself, while you and Marcus looked at each other almost studying each other, as if you were both trying to figure out how happy you actually were in your marriages.

That habit of worrying about each other had not gone away; after all, you had been close friends for quite a few years, and your friendship had faded not because of a quarrel, but because of distance and becoming busy adults. And because you had to get over the crush you had on him, of course, but you had never told him that. 

“Well, we have to go now, anyway come and see us if you can. My mother would love to see you again,” Marcus had said before offering to push the cart full of food that his wife had left beside you and start toward the checkouts. 

“We'll try, thank you,” you had nodded. You definitely should have helped your mother, tried to soothe her at least a little from the strain of caring for your father 24/7; you didn't know how much more time would be left for other things. 

You had watched them walk off together from behind, down the canned food aisle where you had retrieved the ready-made cranberry sauce you would never have time to prepare. 

They were a good-looking couple, really, attractive, well-dressed, Danielle looking impeccable in a pair of jeans that bandaged her while highlighting her curves, a red blouse that matched her complexion, and a pair of vertiginous heels on which you didn't even know how to walk. She seemed to do it without any problem. 

“We should go too, honey” John's voice had brought you back down to earth. 

_________________________________________

Once home John had announced to your mother that you had met your old friend at the supermarket, and of course she was thrilled, “Oh, he's such a nice guy, I saw him and his wife the other day walking downtown, they are such a nice couple, aren't they?” 

John had agreed, taking a beer from the fridge “really” 

“Well, like you, of course” your mother had added, looking at you softly. 

And it was true, you were fine with John, he was a good person, a hard worker, he treated you like a princess. What more could you want? 

Yet since you had seen him again, Marcus's face had made room in your mind. The intrigued way he had looked at you, as if trying to understand everything that had happened to you in the years you had not been in touch, the way his arms were reaching out to embrace you when John had arrived, a barely imperceptible movement that only you had noticed because you knew him better than the palm of your hand, the dimple that had popped up on his cheek as he smiled at you, the usual one you had grown to love so much.

You had pinched the bridge of your nose as you tried to drive it from your mind “Are you okay love?” had asked John immediately. 

“Yes, I just have a little headache, I'll get something later,” you had lied, hurrying to put away the rest of the groceries. 

What annoyed you the most was that it seemed like not a single day had passed since you were in your twenties and you had woken up hugging him in the bed of that dingy motel. It was absurd. You had worked so hard to move on and now it felt like you were back where you started. 

You couldn't let that happen, you wouldn't let your marriage be disrupted by a casual 10-minute meeting with him. 

You would not have gone to his house, no matter how much you would have liked to see his mother who had always been so kind to you. 

You had other things to think about anyway; your father was stuck in a hospital bed that you had managed to get him to be more comfortable. He had been put in the guest room on the ground floor, next to the bathroom, he couldn't do the stairs, and it was also easier for your mother to accompany him. The strong and generous man he had been was wearing out before your eyes, and it was a terribly painful image. You knew he had little time left, and you didn't want to waste it chasing the ghosts of the past when you had a husband who was helping you and hugging you every night trying to lessen your pain. 

Your Thanksgiving dinner had been unique to say the least, each of you shuttling from the dining room to your father's to spend some time with him, making sure he had everything he needed, helping him eat and drink. You had marveled at how gentle and patient John was with your dad, the big man you had married, one with two shoulders like a football player, feeding your father fruit jelly almost more gracefully than you. 

You knew how fond he was of your dad, they had hit it off right away, but you didn't know how much he was willing to sacrifice for him. You were moved.

___________________________________________

Your father was gone four days later. You and John were supposed to leave for Boston the next morning instead you had to call in to work, cancel your flight, call your trusty neighbor Marge to ask her to look at your house, pick up your mail, and water your plants. 

You were crushed and at the same time overwhelmed with bureaucracy so you couldn't stop. You had forgotten to eat breakfast that morning, got dressed in a hurry to go to the funeral home to deliver the suit with which you had decided to bury your father, then went to do some paperwork with the insurance company and finally to the church to arrange with the pastor the time of the service and the proceedings. When you left the church you felt an emptiness in your stomach, your head was spinning, you had eaten barely a sandwich in the last two days. 

You knew you were about to collapse, saw a café across the street from the church, and went inside to get a croissant and cappuccino to go. 

When you came out you found yourself in front of Danielle. She was so sorry, of course your mother had informed Marcus's mother and they would be attending the funeral. Danielle hugged you as if you were her sister, telling you that she understood you because she too had lost her father a few years earlier and even though you didn't know each other well you could have called her if you needed anything. 

You had thanked her and headed for the car, locked yourself in and took a couple of minutes to chug your croissant and drink your cappuccino. At least partially regenerated from the late breakfast you had headed back home, where John and your mother were waiting for you.

In the car you had been thinking about how kind Danielle had been and how lucky Marcus was to be with her.

The next day you had put on a sober black suit that you used for the office and probably wouldn't be able to wear again after that day, put on just enough makeup, helped John put on his tie, and headed for church with him and your mom. 

All three of you were exhausted, grieving, trying to hold the pieces together as best you could with each other's help but your dad's absence was hard to bear. You wished you could have woken up and found it had been just a nightmare, you wished you could have hugged him and talked to him and he, as he had always done, would have found the words you needed most.

There was only one other person who could soothe your worries in the same way your dad could, and that person was Marcus. 

John had been able to be there for you anyway, with actions more than words, taking tasks to take away from you, relieving you of burdens you could not carry alone, and for that you were infinitely grateful. He was a good husband. 

After the service, under his arm, you left the church behind your mother. You had lost count of the number of people who had come to hug you, faces you had never seen, work colleagues of your father's whom you had never met, old childhood friends, the church was full of people who had come to remember him fondly. This pleased you, but it was strange to you at the same time. You wished you had some time to yourself, alone, to try to catch your breath and rationalize at least some of what had happened, that blender of emotions that had shaken and sucked you in. 

You had made your way to the cemetery, walking along the path that led to the family grave where your grandparents were buried you had felt like you were in a muffled bubble where everything moved in slow motion, barely sensing John's presence beside you. 

When you had arrived, you had looked up for only a moment and before you had seen Marcus's. You had not noticed his presence in the church, busy as you were with hugging and greeting, you had seen only his mother but he had remained in the background, respecting your grief. Just as you wished others had done. There was nothing more to be said, he always knew what you needed, no matter how many years had passed, he could still read you like an open book just like when at 18 he had realized that your highest aspiration was to become a writer without even the need to make it explicit in words. 

His eyes were swollen and reddened; it was obvious that he was moved. Beside him was Danielle with a pair of dark glasses covering her face, clutching his arm elegantly and dignifiedly. 

You had smiled weakly at him, thanking him with your eyes, and he had smiled back, looking at you with the sweetest, sorriest eyes I had seen that day. 

___________________________________________

You had stayed behind to watch the final burial operations, while John had driven your mother back to the car, who had burst into convulsive tears, crushed by the realization that she had lost forever the man she had loved most in the world. 

You had felt a hand barely graze your shoulder, you had turned around and saw Marcus standing there on the grass “hey” As soon as you had seen him the impulse to hug him had come to you spontaneously, he had welcomed you into his arms, stroking your head, wrapping you against his chest, trying to comfort you. 

Being close to him still felt like home, his warmth immediately made you feel calmer, less alone, and not that John couldn't do that but with Marcus it was different. He had always been different in a way that was impossible to explain but that you felt hammering hard in your heart.

“Thank you,” you had whispered, with the tears you had finally allowed yourself to shed wetting your cheeks and his shirt. 

“Don't mention it,” he had whispered, continuing to hold you close. 

You had lingered a little longer in his embrace before pulling away and asking where Danielle was. 

"She went home with my mom. I stayed in case you needed anything.” 

“It's okay, thank you, there was no need,” you stammered lyingly. Yes you needed him, now more than ever, and he knew it well. 

“Your mother and John?” 

“Aunt Maggie drove them home, they left my mom's car with me.”

“Do you want me to drive?” she had asked and all you could do was nod ”please. But then how are you going to get back?” 

“I'll call Danielle, don't worry” he had encircled your waist with an arm as he walked you to the car. He had opened the door and helped you get in, even buckled your seat belt no matter how hard you had tried to insist you could do it yourself. 

Marcus did not spare himself when it came to caring for others. 

He had climbed up on the driver's side and in a rush had hugged you back, there, inside the car, whispering, “You don't know how sorry I am, baby. Your father was a great man.” 

You had looked at him gratefully, amid tears that had begun to flow profusely again "thank you" 

He had kissed you, right after that. And the instant his lips had rested on yours, you had felt that you could not help yourself no matter how hard you had tried to bury your feelings all those years. There was something inexplicable that united you, a way of understanding each other that needed no words, as if you were made to recognize each other, to see inside each other's souls. You had read in his eyes that day in the supermarket how much he had missed you, and he had read the same in yours, and just before that you had felt the same need to have him near, in spite of John, Danielle, and anything else that told you it was wrong. Deep inside you had always known it was right, you had felt it from the moment you first met him. You had been crowing for years about people talking about soul mates, meetings of destiny, and things like that. But now you knew you had felt it. His soft lips on yours were like honey to your soul, you wished you could sink into that feeling, drown in that sea and never rise again.

You couldn't leave John though. Not after you had built a life together in Boston, not after he had supported and cared for you all those days. Not after all he had done for you. 

As much as it hurt to do so, you pulled away from his lips. “I’ve always thought about you, all these years,” he said. “I’m sorry, you know, I didn’t realize it before, that maybe we could be something more. I never told you, but I remembered that kiss we shared when we were 18 very well.” Marcus was a torrent of words and was saying everything you’d always wanted to hear. “And I remember the night in that motel, too, how you held me in your sleep. I…” You knew he was about to say something like “I love you” “I’ve always loved you,” and so you cut him off. “Marcus.” He paused, his mouth half open as he looked at you in shock. “It’s too late. We can’t. Maybe there was a chance a few years ago, but now? We’re both married, we have responsibilities, we have to be realistic. It’s not fair to Danielle and John. And I have a job and a life in Boston, I can’t just leave everything all of a sudden.”

“But I…” and you knew he was about to say those words again. “Please don’t say that. Don’t make this any harder than it already is.”

Marcus had fallen silent, looking down at his hands draped over his lap, and then said sadly, “I understand.”

You had just lost your father and now you were losing him too. It wasn’t fair, but it was the only thing to do. “Take me home, please.” He would have started the car without saying anything, driving to your house without looking at you again, perhaps afraid that he wouldn’t be able to let you go if he ever laid eyes on you again. 

You got out of the car just saying thank you, without hugging him because you knew it would have hurt even more.

____________________________________

2008

When John had told you that you should move to Washington DC, you had not taken it well. You did not want to leave Boston, the bright home where you had begun to build your new life, that city that had welcomed you. Starting all over again somewhere else, in a city you had never been to, seemed too much. 

In the end, however, you had accepted it; leaving John seemed even worse. And he had continued to be a good husband, so you saw no reason to part with him.

After all, he had received a good promotion, he had rented a house where you had found a familiar light again, it had big windows, high ceilings, big rooms. John made good money and had tried to accommodate you in everything. 

He had made it worth it all the way.

You had been struggling a bit to fit into the editorial staff of the new newspaper you had found work for. You were aiming for the Washington Post, but they had totally bounced you, which had been no small disappointment to digest. 

However, after all, your life had regained some meaning. 

It was now six months since you had moved, you hadn't heard from Marcus in eight years. And this time it was not because of distance, but because it had really hurt you to find out that he felt something too but it never seemed to be the right time for you. It would have been in 1993 perhaps, if you had had courage, if you had taken the risk of exploring your feelings together. He hadn't had the guts to tell you anything, you were too afraid, and when you had found common ground it had immediately collapsed. 

John had noticed that something was wrong, even he knew you well enough to know that it pained you not to hear from your friend again, and at times he had even urged you to call him. You had told him that he had said something unpleasant about Danielle while you were in the car and you had felt sorry for her, from there you had started to argue. It was a really boorish excuse and you were pretty sure John hadn't bought it but had played it off for the sake of quiet life. 

“Can you stop by the bank to deposit this check this morning?” he had told you that morning before leaving the house. You were sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and enjoying your day off. 

“Sure,” you had answered him, ”I'll go there before I go to the laundry to pick up my dress for tonight.” 

“Mmm the burgundy dress with that dizzying neckline?” he had told you as he leaned over to give you a kiss 

“Just that one” you had smiled as you returned the kiss and caressed his cheek ”you like it huh?”

“I'm looking forward to tonight” he had chuckled before leaving the house with his briefcase ”I'll be home at 7 o'clock okay?”

“Perfect, I'll be ready” you had thrown him a kiss and then curled up in your chair, finishing your coffee and admiring the view of the waking city outside. 

It was your anniversary, and he was going to take you to dinner at a French restaurant you had heard about in enthusiastic tones from your discerning colleague who was a food and wine critic. 

You had dressed quietly, gone out to do your chores, had a manicure appointment, then gone to pick up your dress at the dry cleaners and finally to the bank. 

As soon as you had left the bank you had bumped into a guy. 

You had looked up and been stunned. 

Marcus.

How was that possible? 

“Oh shit,” he had exclaimed.

His hair was slightly longer, he had grown a mustache and a beard but it was him, there was no doubt about it, you would have recognized him in a thousand. 

"What are you doing here?" you had asked him, widening your eyes, without a hello or how are you or anything else, you were too shocked. 

He was the last person you expected to see on your anniversary. 

Marcus had brushed his hand behind his neck, the gesture he always made when he was embarrassed “I got a big promotion” in a tone as if to apologize for existing in the same state as you, in the same city as you, for coexisting in the same environment as you.

“Whatever...I have to go, anyway, have a nice life,” you had tried to say quickly, to disengage yourself from that surreal situation. 

You had already turned your back on him when you heard him say “no wait...please...would you like to have a cup of coffee?”

You had turned silently to look at him. He couldn't have been serious. Yet he was.

And looking into those big brown pleading eyes, for some reason you had not been able to say no.

“All right,” you had replied with a shrug, ”I'll give you half an hour, then I'll have to go home.”

You went to sit in a café around the corner and ordered a cappuccino.

"So how are you?" you asked absentmindedly. 

“Danielle and I broke up last spring.” 

“Oh. I'm sorry.” It was like a blade through the chest to hear his voice again, to hear him say that he was single again and that his marriage was over. Somehow it made you feel guilty even though after eight years it was unlikely that the main reason for their breakup was you. 

“Yeah...she wanted children and for a while we tried but...” 

“Marcus please, I don't care, it's your business because it's over,” you cut off. 

You didn't have to get involved again. When you had thought back to your father's death and how he had confessed right afterwards you had been angry with him. Why had he done it at that time when you were so particularly vulnerable? It wasn't fair. 

"Sorry I-" he had babbled.  

“Never mind, never mind,” you had interrupted him again with a hand gesture. “Look, let's talk straight once and for all” you didn't know where all that aggression was coming from but it was growing inside you inexorably, like an infection ”why the hell are we here?” 

He had lowered his gaze to his cappuccino, then brought it back to you and stared at you in a way that made you feel naked and helpless. He still had an effect on you, and it pissed you off. “I miss you,” he had admitted under his breath, ”I miss talking to you and I miss having you around. I miss everything about you. When I saw you I couldn't believe it. But I know I can't let you leave without clearing things up.” 

“There's nothing left to clear up. It's over Marcus, can't you see that? There was never a right time for us.” 

“That's not true, I-” 

“Stop it! Look, I'm trying to live my life, you do it too,” you had screeched

“But-” 

“No 'buts'... Marcus, I'm tired. I'm tired of this running into each other and don't tell me it's fate because it's just pure randomness. John was transferred for work, now we live here, end of story. I'm still with him, okay? And I'm happy, so please leave me alone.” 

You could see his clenched fist on the coffee table, his eyes glazed with tears, his Adam's apple jumping as you mentioned John. He looked devastated. It was no longer your business anyway, so you had gotten up and made to leave, leaving a bill on the coffee table. “Don't look for me anymore.” 

Marcus had jumped up, his chair had fallen back crashing onto the pavement, and he didn't even seem to notice as he tried to stop you.

“Please” he had grabbed you by the sleeve of his jacket ”please.” 

You had turned back to him and looking into his eyes you had seen the little boy who asked you if he would ever be famous, the one who helped you with your homework, the 20-year-old who had involved you in the craziest vacation of your life, and then the adult who had broken your heart. 

“No.” you had whispered, ”no fucking way.” 

Marcus' face was a grimace of pain, as if in physical pain from your rejection, his shoulders hunched and his hand not letting go of you. He was pathetic and sweet at the same time.

His eyes were fixed in yours as he told you loud and clear, “I love you.”

I love you. 

You had longed to hear it come from his lips for so long that now it was like a lash that burned against your skin. You had stopped feeling like you were glued to the sidewalk, unable to take a step forward “What the hell! Did you have to tell me that? Was it necessary after I told you that I am still with my husband? Fuck, your timing is the worst thing ever. Do you know what day it is today? My wedding anniversary.” you had thrown up words at him angrily, feeling a knot in your stomach that nauseated you. 

“I don't want anything from you,” he had replied, his voice trembling, ”I just wanted you to know.”

“And now that I know according to you what have we solved? What have we gained? I'll tell you, absolutely nothing Marcus.” 

You had turned around and left, yelling at him, “I'll tell you again, don't ever look for me.” 

You had come home and taken a long hot bath, cried your last tears for him, and then decided it was John you had to think about, your special day. Marcus wasn't going to ruin it for you. You had prepared yourself carefully, put on the dress he liked so much, your favorite perfume, and waited for John. When he had come home you had driven out to a restaurant, had had a delicious dinner, sex as soon as you got home, and fallen asleep in his arms feeling that it was right. 

___________________________________

2010

“Love don't wait up for me, I'll be back late. I am so sorry, I love you.” 

It was already the fourth time in a week that he sent you such a message, by now John spent more time in the office than anywhere else. He had been given another promotion and was now mainly in charge of foreign exchanges, so he went to the office at impossible hours, came back later and later, and you barely saw him in the morning getting out of bed to jump in the shower. You hadn't had sex for at least a month, in those days you had talked more often with the mailman than with your husband.

Finally a publishing house had noticed you and they had published your book, you had gotten a chance to continue working for the newspaper by writing your articles from home so you could work on your second novel. 

You had huffed, looking at the screen, by now you were going to your friends' dinners alone, in those two years you had bonded with some couples in your neighborhood, and with a colleague from the newspaper and her husband. Every time you had been invited in the last three months John had declined, saying he had to work. 

You were beginning to feel really alone in your marriage, but you knew you had to try something. You still cared about John; you didn't want everything you had built together to be ruined. Sure, since he was earning more money he was showering you with unexpected and expensive gifts that certainly didn't make up for his absence, though. You had never been a materialistic person, no matter how beautiful the diamond bracelets and pearl necklaces and expensive shoes were, you missed falling asleep cuddled with your husband, feeling his caresses, having breakfast with him in the morning, spending a weekend together on the couch watching TV cuddling, simply spending time with him. For the past few weeks you had failed to write a word, you had hastily completed articles for the newspaper just to meet deadlines but your novel had stalled. You were busy cleaning to take your mind off things, you had joined the gym to force yourself to leave the house but then you would go back and find yourself spending entire evenings lounging around, not knowing what else to do. 

You had decided that night that you had to take matters into your own hands, put on a pretty dress, fixed your hair and make-up thoroughly, and then went out with the intention of surprising him. You were going to bring him his favorite dishes from your favorite Chinese restaurant to the office. 

When you had arrived at his workplace, you had looked up from the car window and seen the light on in his office. 

You had come down loaded with Chinese noodles and dumplings, and as you walked toward the entrance you had noticed his car parked not far away. 

You had taken the elevator with your heart in your throat, looking forward to seeing his happy face as he enjoyed a hot meal. The elevator had opened on the floor and you had started down the hallway leading to his office. There was no one there, everything was quiet and still, but the closer you got to his office the more you heard strange noises. Bellowing, hushed voices. 

The door was pulled over, you had pushed it slightly, and the scene that unfolded before your eyes was unsettling. 

Veronica, a married colleague of him whom you had met at the firm's Christmas party a few months earlier, was bent over John's desk, her skirt up, her panties down, her long legs covered by black hold-ups, her stilettos sinking into the Persian carpet under John's desk. And your husband holding her hips and sinking into her from behind. 

His shirt was hanging off his shoulders, his hair was disheveled, his neck tense and sweaty, as he stood there with his cool wool pants down, fucking his colleague. 

He grunted some words that you had never heard him say when you were having sex “Yeah, bitch, you like that huh? You like getting pounded by my cock huh? You're such a dirty slut, do you feel how wet you are for me?" 

You couldn't believe your eyes. Your sweet husband, the one who had stood by you so devotedly…where had that man gone? 

You dropped the bag with the Chinese dinner on the floor, the boxes had opened, and the noodles had spread all over the hardwood floor. “What the fuck?!”

John had turned around shocked, still with his cock inside his coworker “Oh shit. No, wait, honey I-” he had stepped out of her and tried to pull up his pants awkwardly ”please-fuck-I can explain.” 

“There's nothing to explain, you piece of shit!” you had yelled at him as he approached trying to stammer out some stupid excuse and had slapped him open-handed across the face as soon as he got in front of you ‘don't bother coming home’ you had added contemptuously.

“But love I-” he had pranced rubbing his cheek ”please-” 

“NO!” You had yelled “No, I don't want to hear your bullshit excuses, I don't want anything more to do with you, you disgust me!”

Veronica was standing in the corner buttoning her blouse and pulling down her skirt without meeting your gaze, her face hot and guilty.

Everything that you had sacrificed for that relationship, how you had followed him and reinvented your life for him, adapting to his needs, trying to build a happy nest for the two of you in Washington, all had been swept away. He had stomped on your marriage, your trust, your heart. 

You had driven home crying, risking missing a red light, had nailed down at the last moment with your heart bouncing inside your chest like a jackhammer. You had walked into the house throwing your purse and coat on the floor, throwing your shoes in the middle of the hallway and throwing yourself on the bed, hiding your face in the pillow with your head bursting, a sense of helplessness and defeat enveloping your temples, your chest, your stomach. 

It was over.

John had never come home, you had learned through his lawyer that he had rented an apartment near his office, and a week later he sent three big guys from a moving company to pick up his things.

You couldn't stay in that house anymore. Everything reminded you of him, the lies he had been telling you for months and what was even worse, all the happy moments you had lived in there in spite of yourself. 

You were dragging yourself from room to room without strength, you hadn't written anything anymore, you had told the editor of the newspaper that you were sick to have an excuse to delay the deadlines for your articles. 

You were tired, you were angry, you lacked the will to do anything, after three days without seeing you leave the house your friend Denise, who lived across the street had called you alarmed to see if you were all right, and hearing your dejected, fading voice had decided to use the keys you had given her in case of an emergency to come and check on you in person. 

You had not been able to lie to her; you had burst into tears and told her everything as soon as she asked you where John was. 

From that day she had been by every day bringing you dinner, making sure you ate, forcing you to shower, tidying up. You didn't know what you had done to deserve Denise in your life but you were incredibly grateful that she was there. 

Gradually you had forced yourself to take charge of your life again, started going out again pushed by your friends and even moved house, encouraged by them. You couldn't turn over a new leaf without getting out of there. 

And you had especially realized that you could walk with your head held high; you were not the one who had to be ashamed. 

And looking back on it, you had really overcome a lot in the last few years. The loss of your father, Marcus, your husband. All the men who had meant something to you in your life. 

You could have been proud that you did your best to stay on your feet. 

________________________________________________________

2011 

It had been a year since you had discovered John screwing his colleague.

You had tried dating men, without success, but things were going very well professionally. You had finally managed to finish your second book, and the publisher had been extremely pleased, so much so that he had arranged a series of meetings for you at bookstores around the country.  You had just returned from Ohio when you got a call from your mother inviting you for Christmas.

You had no desire to return to Sacramento, but how could you say no to your mom? She was left alone and it had not been easy for her. Your aunt and uncle lived nearby and took care of her but she had said she missed you a lot.

And she was so proud of you, she had asked you for copies of your books to give to all her friends, she was your biggest fan. You were happy to see her and spend time with her. 

And so, there you were at the airport, with a big suitcase, ready to get on yet another plane and fly across the country. 

You had just gotten an upgrade to business class and were in the private lounge of the area airline ordering yourself a martini when you heard a familiar voice behind you calling your name. 

Marcus. Again. 

“I swear I'm not following you,” he had raised his hands in surrender. 

“I know. I haven't seen you in three years, and we live in the same town.”

You had smiled; it wasn't bad to see his face again after all. 

“Martini?” He had asked pointing to your glass 

“Yeah. Can you please make another one?” You had said turning toward the bartender. 

You had sat at a small table with your cocktails “Are you going to see your mother?”

You had nodded, “You too?” 

“Yes, my parents were very insistent. Where is John?” 

“I have no idea,” you had squeezed into your shoulders taking a sip of your martini. 

“Oh, did you break up? I'm sorry, he seemed like a good man,” he had said.

“Apparently he wasn't since he was cheating on me with one of his colleagues.” 

“You should have better judgment anyway, aren't you a detective?” you had asked, raising an eyebrow and looking at him wryly 

Marcus had burst out laughing, “You're right, I should.”

And he had told you about the time he had fallen in love with someone named Teresa, a colleague of his, and had been left like a poor idiot the previous year, without realizing that she was in love with someone else. 

“It wasn't your fault, you know,” you told him sweetly, ”I know how you get when you have a crush.” 

“How do I become?” he had asked you with a sigh.

And you had replied with a smirk “Well, if you must know...naive, head in the clouds, like you live in a world of unicorns and fairies” 

“Really? A ridiculous clown? Is that what I become?” he had chuckled and then turned serious again ”Not with you, I hope”

You had laughed, you could have laughed at that point. Or maybe it was just the martini clouding your mind. 

“Whatever,” you had rolled your eyes. 

“Well, I'm sorry,” he had muttered.

“It's okay” you had smiled ”Really.”

At that moment they had announced boarding for your flight, so you had hurried to the gate together. 

You were both in business, so eventually you had sat next to each other and continued chatting. 

And it was nice, really nice. You were both single, more aware, you had reached an age where you could be honest with yourselves and you could joke about your dramas. 

“So you had noticed that I had hugged you that night huh?” 

“Sure. You pounced on me in my sleep and woke me up. I didn't want to embarrass you so I played it cool” she had smiled ”I thought you were sleepwalking and dreaming of hugging Keanu Reeves or whatever.” 

You had burst out in the loudest laugh you had had in years and then covered your mouth embarrassed that you had disturbed the other passengers. Fortunately those in your vicinity all had headphones on and were watching a movie. 

“Oh, come on” you had tapped his shoulder and then taken by you don't know what courage-probably the second martini you were downing-you had said ”the only one I dreamed of hugging was you.” 

“I didn't realize this until later...Now is there anyone you would like to hug by any chance?” he had whispered in your ear.

“Actually...yes” 

And there, in that plane, you kissed. For the first time without hindrance, without remorse, without drama, without fear. “I love you” he had whispered on your lips, and you had responded, finally free to say it ”I love you too.”

“So we'll try this time?” he had caressed your cheek, sliding his hand down your neck. 

“Yes” You had said ”definitely yes.”

“Your mother will be delighted” he had smiled, kissing you again “it's going to be a great Christmas.”

“Well, Merry Christman then” you whispered as your mouth moved down his neck.

“Merry Christmas, baby”

[rqyup]

# placeholder (oneshot)

pairing.. toji fushiguro x reader

cw.. angst, swearing

jujutsu kaisen masterlist

Toji had always been a mess, but you thought, swore, you could fix him. Why else would his sharp green eyes soften every time they landed on you? Why else would he let you see the cracks in his armor when the rest of the world only ever got his smirks and scowls?

But after the fight, the one that ended it all, you finally accepted the truth.

He’d had girls every week, even before you and him. Petite, curvy, blonde, brunette; it didn’t matter. Toji Fushiguro could have anyone he wanted, and that fact alone made your stomach churn. You hated how it ate away at you, the knowledge that you were never special. Just another name in a long, long list.

You knew why he did it, you knew more than anyone else. Why he drowned himself in women and cheap liquor every time he had the cash. He was running, coping with the grief that clung to him like a shadow. The death of his wife had shattered him in ways you could never hope to fix. And you knew this because you’d seen it firsthand, felt it in the way he broke down around you, no matter how much he pretended he didn’t need anyone.

“Toji?” You’d found him slumped on the couch, reeking of alcohol. His shirt was half undone, his hair disheveled, and his eyes glassy. He turned his head lazily to look at you, his lips curving into a sad, drunken smile.

“Honey…” he slurred, his voice softer than you’d ever heard it.

Your heart stopped. Honey? He never called you that.

“Megs misses you,” he muttered, his words tumbling out clumsily. “Come home… I don’t want all these women, I swear. I only need you.”

For a fleeting second, your chest tightened, and something warm spread through you. Flustered. Hopeful. But it shattered just as quickly as it came. Those words, they weren’t meant for you. They were for her.

You looked away, biting your lip to keep the tears from falling. It hurt. God, it hurt to know that you were just a placeholder, a shadow he clung to when the real thing wasn’t there anymore.

...

“Toji, I can’t keep doing this!” you yelled, your voice breaking as the two of you stood in the middle of his apartment. “You can’t keep running to me when you’re drunk and lonely, and then pretend I don’t exist the next day!”

He scoffed, running a hand through his hair in frustration. “What the hell do you want from me, huh? You knew what this was!”

“No, I didn’t!” you shot back, tears streaming down your face. “I thought—God, I thought I could help you! I thought I meant something to you!”

Toji’s lips twisted into a bitter smile, and for a moment, you swore you saw something crack in his expression. But then his words cut through the air like a knife.

“You didn’t mean anything,” he said coldly. “You were just a quick fuck. A replacement. Same as all the others.”

The words knocked the air out of your lungs, leaving you standing there, frozen. You wanted to scream, cry, anything, but all you could do was stare at him, your heart shattering into pieces.

And in that moment, you finally understood. Toji Fushiguro didn’t need saving. Not from you, not from anyone.

rqyup © 2024 – do not repost, plagiarize, or translate my content; dividers by me; likes and reblogs are appreciated !

[mountsmase]

Christmas Day

(The last one!! Thank you to everyone who has read all of the concepts over the last 12 days and everyone who has sent any in. So much love to you all 🫶🏻)

———————

Just thinking about Christmas Day with Mason and all of the different ways you could spend it together…

So we know he usually spends Christmas Day with his family, so imagine being a part of that. Maybe you and Mason don’t actually live together yet but he invites you over to sleep at his and wake up with them all on Christmas morning. He understands that you’d still need to see your family so maybe you and Mason would see them on Christmas Eve before driving back to his together.

All of his family would be staying so Christmas morning would be chaotic, but in the best way possible. You’d all sit together in the living area, with Mason sitting right next to you, pulling you into his side and you’d snuggle into him, tugging on a blanket that rests over the back of the sofa so it falls over your laps. You’d all take turns opening presents, watching his two nieces as they tear through the paper, joy lighting up their faces every time they find a toy or something they’d asked Santa for.

You’d love getting to spend Christmas with him and his family, and would always be grateful for how welcoming they are towards you, always making you feel like part of their family, but you’d also love the little moment that you and Mason get together.

Maybe you’d make the effort to wake up a little earlier than everyone else, taking the opportunity to cuddle and be together in bed for a while before all the craziness starts. It would be hard to stay awake, his warmth and the feeling of his fingertips tracing patterns over your skin the perfect recipe to fall back asleep, but he makes sure to wake you up if you do drift back off. Maybe you’d even exchange a few presents with each other before going to find everyone else, some of them a little more meaningful or just ones you don’t want to open in front of the rest of his family, like Mason would always buy you some new lingerie and would obviously want you to open that when it’s just the two of you.

Maybe there’d even be a bit of lazy morning sex. You’ve always been a bit funny about having sex with him whilst his family are in the house because what if they hear or walk in on you, but the door is locked anyway and the minuet he gives you those eyes you know you’re going to give into him. It would be the soft, lazy kind, a little bit of foreplay leading up to him thrusting into you slowly, under the covers with both of you still wearing your PJ tops because you were so desperate for eachother that you never got around to taking them off. There’d be loads of kidding to keep eachother quiet and you’ve have to have a quick shower to clean up and make yourselves look more presentable, and less like you’ve just had sex before going downstairs to be with the rest of his family.

Now thinking about spending Christmas Day together when you’ve got your own children…

I spoke about how Christmas Eve would go as a family of four in the last concept, so leading on from that they’d both come bounding into your bedroom as soon as they’re awake, waking you and Mason up to tell you that Santas been. They’re both so excited and you know you can’t make them wait any longer so you’d follow them downstairs to begin opening the presents.

Maybe you’d let them open all of their presents from ‘Santa’ first and then you’d take a little break, not wanting all of the excitement to be over so soon. You’d make some breakfast, with Mason putting in the effort to make it an extra special one, even attempting to make some snow man shaped pancakes before going out on a family walk. Maybe one of their presents were new bikes or scooters so you and Mason follow behind them whilst they ride them.

When you get home again you let them open the rest of your gifts, all of them would be from you and Mason though, signed ‘from Mummy and Daddy’ and it would warm your heart because every time they open one they’d come running over to thank you and give you each a hug. Then you and Mason would get to open your gifts from each other, the little ones just as interested in what you’ve each opened.

It would be the best morning ever and once all of the wrapping paper is tidied away you’d start getting ready to go and spend the rest of the day with family.

And I’m sure there’d be some christmases where you and Mason wake up with just the two of at home.

Maybe you’re hosting the rest of his family in the afternoon for Christmas dinner but it’s your first year living together so you wanted to experience waking up and spending Christmas morning just the two of you in your new home.

You’d wake up with absolutely no rush to get out of bed, having the laziest of lazy mornings before giving each other your gifts and having breakfast in bed before it gets so late that you have to get up and start getting ready.

The two of you trying to make Christmas dinner together would be interesting. Maybe you’d offered to cook it this year since you’ll be hosting anyway and some of it goes really well, but some of it not so much. It would take up the majority of the day, each of you taking control of certain dishes to make the process a little quicker but you still end up needing the help of his mum and sister when they arrive in the early afternoon, wanting their help with things like the turkey because you’re too worried about somehow messing it up and ruining the whole meal. Mason would also be feeling extra touchy and would be all over you the whole time, not necessarily making it easy for you to focus on the cooking when his hands are roaming everywhere.

Christmas with him would just be the best, whether you’re spending it just the two of you or with the whole family, and I know that he’d spoil you rotten, buying you loads of gifts even if you told him not to but you’d love everything he gets for you. He knows you so well and can tell when you want something even if you don’t actually say it. Like a lot of your gifts would be things he’s seen saved in your favourites or wish lists, or things he knows you want but would never buy yourself. And you’d spoil him to, wanting him to have just as much to open even if he is quite hard to buy for.

———————

Day 12 Concept night tomorrow. I’ll be working so I’ll be scheduling them all to post 10 minuets apart 🫶🏻 please send them in asap if you have any 😚

[sondheim-girly]

ok im gonna get my yap on, because Brody Grant has so much power in this fandom and I need to talk about why. Am I overthinking this? Yes. Is everything I’m about to say super obvious? Also yes. But who cares.

Ok so some might say “oh the fandom just likes him cuz he’s hot” and the thing is, yes hes hot, but so is the entire cast? And I can’t think of anyone else in the cast who can break the fandom with one single appearance. I think the key of it is the fact that hes unpredictable and always leaves us wanting more. See, back before the Tonys he was doing a lot of press, both for opening and as a nominee. And then post Tonys, you had a three month drought where we practically didn’t get any content of him. However we were still riding high from the pre Tonys interviews, so the obsession continued to stay strong. And theres an element of someone not having their entire life and personality on public display that makes them so much more exciting. And then he disappears for an entire month, then comes back blonde and posts a bunch of photos from his trip in Tokyo. He then goes on to start appearing in the occasional Soc Saturday after not appearing in one for literally months, then is in sky’s Instagram, and starts posting on Instagram more!! So hes giving us just barely enough content to keep us sustained, but also leaving us wanting to much more. Theres also a level of mystery that’s just super exciting cuz you literally never know what he’s gonna do. Is he gonna disappear for a month and go blonde? Is he gonna show up on Soc Saturday and yell about a guy named Mike? Who knows. Not to mention how… mysterious the post he just made was? Like who even knows why he posted that?? No clue, but it’s wonderful.

now of course this is how he has maintained this strange hold on the fandom, but how did he get it in the first place? Of course hes good looking, but hes also absurdly talented, and a very charming person. He’s interesting because he has this kinda edgy ‘persona’ tho idk if that’s exactly the right way to describe it, but then you watch an interview with him and hes this super duper genuine, thoughtful, interesting guy! And then u see a clip of him with the cast and hes just really silly and funny. And so he has all these sides to him which is very intriguing. And he just has this like- really sweet smile and also I think the ear cuff and fingerless glove combo is something that definitely had a major effect on the fans. Ok ive kinda lost the plot.

also theres something about him having social media and rarely using it. Because then it’s like oh we could get content but you never know when- there are a lot of cast members who are super active on social media so we get used to it, or actors who don’t have it at all, meanwhile Brody can just get on there, say something, explode the fandom, then leave. Hes also very intentional about what posts he leaves up, which we can tell from his occasional cleansing of his account. Idk what my point is here but I wanted to say something about this

anyways this is my yap. It’s unedited and completely chaotic but I hope y’all enjoyed it.

[severinewrites]

Finding Independence Without Love

Musings of independence with the absence of love feat. Moominvalley

Dependency is common in some relationships and could happen in both platonic and romantic relationships. We see our partners/friends as a source of happiness every time we feel down. Our clinginess strengthens when we have a special person in our lives, thinking of them as a person without flaws or perfect. This can be an unhealthy way of how we act or think in our relationships with other people, we can’t expect they’ll satisfy our needs immediately, it’s like you are viewing them as the top of our pedestal, admiring them a lot.

I am saying this from my perspective as a young adult, I’ve experienced the first time feeling disappointed in my ex-crush when I hear he likes someone else. It hurts a lot to hear from the person you’ve admired for so long like someone other than you, I mean, it’s a universal experience, right? Getting disappointed or rejected, you start to get mad at yourself like hitting, pulling your hair, or even slapping yourself for not getting chosen, you feel like an idiot for being delusional thinking you’re the “one” for them. It’s a tragic feeling, I know—but I tried to forget about them, not as a friend but as a “crush”.

During my Christmas break, I struggled to cope with my feelings, so I doomscrolled YouTube for 10-12 hours for 3 days straight without reaching out to someone because I needed to isolate myself from what happened, trying to forget it ever happened. Then, I stumbled upon a show called “Moominvalley” on my for you page, I decided to watch the clips, and guess what? I fell in love with it quickly even though it’s been 3 days since I knew about this show. Moominvalley is a comforting show, and what intrigued me about the show is the character Snufkin, an easygoing and carefree enjoys thinking about things and always comes and goes as he pleases, going on adventures. Like Snufkin, I enjoy solo trips, I'm not a big fan of trips with my friends (depends on my mood but I prefer solo to groups) since I do treasure my alone time a lot, able to think about stuff or explore everywhere without any people around trying to drain my energy emotionally and physically. With my solo trips, I'm able to reflect on many stuff without any distractions. Just because I enjoy being alone doesn't mean I don't feel lonely… I have friends who care about me a lot—including my ex-crush but despite them being overall supportive and approachable, I can't help but try to push them away from me—isolating myself, especially what happened between my ex-crush and me, I can't face them anymore something that leads me to isolate myself from them and my friends, not wanting help or comfort from them anymore. I shut myself from them, I don't want to make things complicated. Snufkin really relates toMoninn on a deeper level, making him my kin since he does push away friends, has abandonment issues, fears getting attached, is sad on the inside, and struggles to talk/chat with someone.

Through the show Moominvalley, I’ve learned the hard way that even the people you deeply love and admire, you need to accept that you can’t control how they feel or act, because well… they are humans, right? They deserve to feel or act what they want, even having feelings for somebody they like, even if it’s not you. It’s sad because that person made you feel alive or wanted, through the physical touch, words of affirmation, and more—makes me so special to them. Maybe that’s the reason why I fell in love with them in the first place. This also relates to the relationship between Moominttoll and Snufkin, Moominroll being clingy and a bit obsessed to Snufkin makes him admire him because of his adventures but unlike Snufkin, he tries to avoid any attachment to Moomintroll, resulting him to leave everytime to get some alone time or to isolate himself in his adventures. Moomintroll is also one of the characters I've kinned too, him being so clingy towards Snufkin reminds how I acted towards my ex-crush but not as obsessive, just right. Moomintroll has longings for Snufkin, always wanting to be in his side everytime, like how I've wanted to be in my ex-crush's side whenever I have a chance too—but sadly they found someone they always want to be close with… I'm glad for them but I tend to feel lonely without them around, yearning for some message or conversation from them—nothing is the same anymore as before… but that's life, there will be changes, whether you like it or not.

Therefore, I still need time for myself and watch more Moominvalley to find my purpose in life outside heartbreaks. Even I would love to talk/chat with them, it’s time to use this vacation to take a break from them for a while, giving myself time to grow as an independent person—not needing their comfort or help and focusing on my passion for writing, like what I am doing right now. Sometimes, we need to depend on ourselves, without needing anyone to fix us. That's what I did to cope.

To end this, I would like to add a quote from Moominvalley from the character Snufkin, he once said:

“You can't ever be really free if you admire somebody too much.” - Snufkin (Moominvalley 2019)

This quote explains we can't really be free if we admire that special person too much, draining your energy mentally and emotionally. I wish I've heard this show during my childhood then I wouldn't have to deal with heartbreaks all of the sudden. But I guess things happen for a reason. Moominvalley is truly a masterpiece, especially the creator itself Tove Jansson, the one responsible for making this beautifully crafted show for us to love and enjoy, making us learn meaningful lessons.

We humans seek longing, wanting be loved by that person we admired but I know we're better than that—I’m better than that anyways! We know that those people we love are humans too, so why waste our time waiting for approval from them? We could try to look after ourselves and be a independent with or without them—needing no love from them at all! Love can wait but not with hopes and dreams, our passions in life are much more important than some hopeless romance. We don't need that person we deeply admire to take over our lives, we should move forward and never look back! It's such a shame not to take a chance to do what you're passionate about when we only live once.

With Moominvalley, It's possible for us to grow to independent individuals thriving to make the world a better place! With my strong love for writing, I could write freely, writing down my musings, feelings, and emotions. I’m grateful to be alive where the world is filled with endless possibilities, where you can be free from everything! Be who you want to be, explore everything until you find your purpose—that’s the beauty of independence without love!

“It is simply this: do not tire, never lose interest, never grow indifferent—lose your invaluable curiosity and you let yourself die. It's as simple as that.” - Tove Jansson (Fair Play 1989)

[aviiarie]

“𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐀 𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐊!” — feat. kaveh & reader !

synopsis. kaveh is not having a great week. luckily, he has a best friend to distract him.

✦ contents. platonic! they are friends! best friends! modern au (they're still in university though.) some sumeru character cameos. gn!reader. fluff. 3.1k words.

✦ notes. this is my secret santa gift for.... @tragedy-of-commons! merry christmas gwen, i hope you enjoy!!! i did my best to make this as silly and fun as possible :"))

“Wow... you look even worse than I left you.”

Kaveh groaned, squeezing his eyes shut. The desk was cold under his forehead, a sweet relief from the headache pounding behind his eyes. Maybe he could lay there a little while longer, languishing in his misery, and you would lose interest and leave him. Maybe...

“Hey! Don't fall asleep on me!”

Alas, such mercy would never find him. If your voice—far too loud for a library, he would say—wasn't already enough to disturb his brooding, then the rolled up paper in your hands definitely did the job.

“Ouch,” He mumbled, rubbing the back of his head. “Leave me 'lone...”

“Nope, not a chance.” You slip into the seat directly across him, your chin resting on the palm of your hand. “So, how much progress has been made?”

“I'm at about—” Kaveh sat up wearily, sifting through his scattered papers. “—21%.”

“Weren't you at 30% an hour ago?” You blinked.

“Yes.”

“Oh, Kaveh—”

“I'm fine, I just need... some time.” Kaveh gritted out, scanning the dozens of failed designs and hastily written notes. “And... and some inspiration. And maybe some coffee too.”

“And some sleep?”

“Are you kidding?” He scoffed, as he gathered the papers into a neat pile. “I can't sleep now. I need to get this project done, or else I'm failing this class. I can't afford a fail right now, this is making up 50% of my grade, and I only scored an 85 on the written exam, and my draft is due in a week and—”

A smack in the middle of his forehead snapped him out of his rambling. Kaveh reeled back, nursing the faint sting, as you re-rolled the paper in your hand.

“What was that for!” He cried.

“You can't keep wallowing, you're never going to get anything done! It's about time you took a break.” Carefully, you unroll the paper you were holding, to reveal a colourful poster. “And I know exactly what we can do!”

Kaveh squints at the flyer. It looked to be hand-drawn and photocopied, depicting a bustling market with smiling visitors holding mouth-watering food and bags stuffed with souvenirs. Across the top, the text read: Come visit Sumeru's Fair!

“A fair...” Kaveh murmured, reading the fine text. “This says it's only open the last week of December.”

You paused, shooting him a suspicious look. “Kaveh, do you know what day it is?”

“Uh... December... something?” He guessed.

“Well—Well, yeah.” You huffed, snatching the poster back to wave in his face. “The point is, you need some time to clear your head, and I don't want to go alone. So...?”

-----

By some miracle, your persuasion (and Kaveh's weak will towards anything you try to convince him to do) is effective enough to leave his project behind. The gates are swarming with people when you arrive, a few familiar faces sticking through the crowd, along with dozens of families and couples enjoying the festivities.

“Two tickets, please!” You grinned, handing over some money to the salesperson before Kaveh could even offer to pay for his own. The tired-looking employee hands over the tickets, and you grab Kaveh's hand to drag him towards the entrance. “Thank you!”

As soon as you step through, there is a rainbow of colours filling his vision. Brightly coloured stalls are set up with carnival games, food, and other attractions on either side, forming an aisle. Behind them, he could see a Ferris Wheel peeking out over the tents, as well as some other rides he couldn't quite make out.

“What should we do first?” You asked excitedly, scanning your surroundings.

“Wasn't this your idea?” Kaveh raised an eyebrow. “Shouldn't I be asking you that?”

“Ever heard of living in the moment?” You chided, looping your arm through his to lead him forward. “Do you have money?”

Kaveh rolled his eyes, allowing himself to be pulled along. “Do you think I—”

“No, you're broke, I don't know why I asked. Okay, I have some money. Enough for a few rides and some food, at least.” You paused to take a breath, glancing over to a stall on your left. “Woah, look at that!”

Kaveh followed your gaze, to a small stand set up with a simple throwing game. There were a few old cans stacked up, and a grinning attendant looking back at the two of them with a beanbag in his hand. That wasn't what caught your attention though. No, your eyes were firmly fixed on the stuffed animal hanging at the back of the stall, dangling just out of reach like Tantalus' fruit.

“It's a peacock!” You gasped, hand reaching out as if to try and touch the plush feathers sewn into its tail. For a carnival prize, it was remarkably well-made, and utterly adorable; there was no wonder you looked entranced by it.

“Something you like?” The attendant crooned. He tossed the beanbag from hand to hand, casually throwing it in the air and catching it again. “You get three tries, knock all six cans over and pick whatever prize you want.”

Kaveh squinted at the cans. It looked easy, deceptively easy. The beanbag was soft, but appeared to be sturdy enough to knock the cans down in one go, and yet none of the prizes had been won yet. The entire game seemed fishy, but the prospect of the peacock plushie in your hands was enough to distract you. Before he could even voice his skepticism, you had bought three tries.

“Here you go,” The man behind the booth tossed you three beanbags and stepped out of the way as you lined up your throw. The first hit one of the cans squarely in the middle, but bounced right off.

“Argh!” You gritted your teeth and aimed again, as Kaveh's frown deepened.

The second throw was heavier, and hit one of the middle cans, dislodging the structure but failing to knock it down.

“Last go! Good luck.” The man laughed brightly, and you scowled. You threw the beanbag one last time, knocking the can at the very top over with the sheer force of your throw. “Nicely done! Let me get your prize.”

Your eyes lit up in anticipation, before he handed you a dusty pack of cards, the flimsy kind you would find in a discount store. “Oh... is that it?”

“Try knocking them all over, if you want something better.” He chuckled. “Unless you wanted to try again...?”

You thought about it for a moment, considering the obvious baiting versus how badly you wanted that prize. You nodded, and Kaveh sighed.

This time though, he paid attention.

The way that the cans moved when you hit them was odd. Hitting either in the center row, or the middle one in the bottom row didn't shake it enough to move much at all, but the top can knocked over easily. If he had to guess, they were weighted differently to make the structure more stable, and much harder to topple. The closest you got to tipping over any of them was when one of your beanbags hit the one on the far left, moving it slightly out of place.

Interesting.

“Ugh, this is impossible,” You groaned, after wasting another three tries.

“You're getting better each time!” The attendant said, while he fixed the can that was askew.

“Let me try.” Kaveh cut in. He handed over some of the little money he'd brought with him, and took the offered bean bags.

“Good luck,” You told him ruefully. Kaveh took a deep breath, steeling himself. His aim wasn't terrible, but with the game being as obviously rigged as it was, he wasn't certain he'd be able to hit it.

The first throw, he hit the corner can directly in the middle, just hard enough to push it backwards slightly. It didn't topple the structure, but after zeroing in on the weakest link, knocking it down would be easy.

The second throw was slightly short, only hitting the side of the can. It moved it, causing the stack to wobble, but did little to actually achieve his goal of making it fall over.

Finally, he lined up his last throw. This was it, his last chance. With all his force, he hurled the beanbag at the tower of cans, hitting the corner squarely and pushing it right over. Without the bottom to support it, the second and third layer fell down, knocking over the other cans as well.

“You did it!” You cheered, squeezing Kaveh in a quick hug.

“Congratulations!” The man said, fishing behind the counter for something. “Here you go.”

In his hands was an ugly stuffed bear, with fluorescent pink fur and beady black eyes. He held it out like it was a diamond ring, grinning at Kaveh with finality.

“Oh... but didn't you say if I knocked down six cans I could choose whatever one I wanted?” Kaveh asked, wondering if he misheard the man. He nodded towards the plush you were eyeing. “I actually wanted the peacock over there.”

“Well, see, you have to knock them down in one try if you want the big prize.” The attendant scoffed. “Or else it doesn't count.”

“You didn't say that!” You protested. “You only said knock three cans down.”

“And I did knock them down in one try,” Kaveh argued. “On my last try, they all fell down at once.”

“It has to be your first one, boy.”

“You didn't say that either!” You threw your hands up in frustration, voice reaching a shout.

“Fine.” Kaveh snatched the ugly looking bear, and shoved it at you. He dug around for his wallet, slapping the last of his money on the counter.

“You already won a bear, don't you want to let someone else have a turn?” The attendant protested. Sure enough, there was a small line of people waiting for their turn. Still, Kaveh shook his head.

“One more turn, and I leave.”

The man, perhaps hoping to make him leave quicker, or perhaps just interested in more of his money, handed him some more beanbags with a grumble. He turned around to set up the cans again, arranging them into another pyramid.

Kaveh watched him carefully, noting the way he paused before placing down each can, clearly feeling the weight of each. He noted the way the man was sure to place the slightly lighter can on the other corner, probably hoping that Kaveh would aim for the same one and fail to knock it over.

“Hit it as hard as you can,” You whispered to him, once he was done. “Picture it as something you hate, and hit it with everything you've got.”

Kaveh squinted at the cans. Something he hated...

Nothing immediately came to mind. Perhaps his roommate, who had a personality as enjoyable as a rainy, downcast day. Maybe that engineering professor who marked him down for a tiny spelling mistake. Or even the attendant glowering back at him as he waited for his throw.

Of course, he could always picture that project he was working on, the one that cost him far too many days and nights and still remained unfinished. As he stared at the rusty metal, all he could see was the crossed out sketches and scribbled notes, all a mess that he couldn't decipher. They taunted him; a monument to his failures and shortcomings, a reminder of the progress that he has yet to make—

Without thinking, he reeled back his arm and hurled the beanbag as hard as he could, slamming it into the can. The entire tower toppled over, cans falling from the table onto the floor.

“Yeah! That's my best friend!” You yelled, pumping your fist in the air.

Kaveh tried not to look smug, but a wide grin was already spreading across his face. “The peacock, please.”

The stuffed animal was reluctantly taken down and handed over to him, before he passed it to you.

“There. Consider it my thanks for the ticket,” Kaveh said proudly.

“Thank you,” You smiled down at the peacock, running your hand through the soft tail feathers. “I love it.”

-----

After a few more games with far less luck, the pair of you stopped by the food stalls to get something to eat. There was a wide variety, with some fried foods, some sweet snacks, even a stand selling freshly squeezed lemonade.

You settled on a stall selling pita pockets, and Kaveh had no objections. The smell alone was enough to convince him to line up.

“Oh! Hi [Name], hi Kaveh!” A familiar voice chirped. Collei was stood at the counter, smiling widely.

“Collei, I didn't expect to see you here!” Kaveh greeted her warmly.

“It's my after-school job!” She explained. “I'm trying to earn some extra money for my treatment. I can't be dependent on Tighnari for everything, you know!”

Kaveh's smile faltered for just a moment. Collei's declining health wasn't a secret; there was a reason that her brother had to take care of her so much, but she was still so selfless, even with all of her struggles.

“Ah, I should have asked!” Collei jumped suddenly, scrambling to grab her notepad. “What can I get you today?”

“Just two pita pockets please,” You ordered. “And a water, too.”

“Coming right up!”

After getting your food, the two of you sat down to eat in a shady spot by the fence. The pita pockets were warm and fresh, the perfect thing to quell Kaveh's hunger. When was the last time he had a cooked meal, or any food that wasn't straight out of a vending machine? The focus on his project had stolen away all his attention, leaving him to neglect his own appetite.

“What's next?” You asked through a mouthful of bread, your words slightly muffled.

Kaveh hummed, surveying the rest of the fair. You had walked through most of the surroundings, leaving only a small section unexplored. That portion happened to be the part with all of the rides, where the Ferris Wheel loomed over the food stalls.

“How about the Ferris Wheel?” Kaveh suggested.

Your eyes lit up again, and you jumped to your feet. “Yes! Let's go!”

-----

In hindsight, you should have expected the line, but neither of you even considered the possibility until you were stuck in the middle of it. It was cramped and uncomfortable; the overwhelming crowds were almost enough to deter you. Almost.

“This is taking forever.” You groaned, slumping against Kaveh.

“Have a little patience.” Kaveh sighed, even as his own patience was wearing thin.

Directly in front was an irritated boy with a bowlcut who Kaveh was certain was in one of his classes, accompanied by a young white-haired girl holding his sleeve. Ahead of them, there was a family of four, several couples, another group of friends, and many more waiting for their turn.

It was going to be a long time before they even saw the ticket booth, let alone made it on the Ferris Wheel.

“Oh my, [Name]! Is that you?” A sweet voice called out to you.

You turned to see Nilou, a cheerful girl and another student at your university, waving to catch your attention as she walked over.

“Oh, hi!” You greeted. “How are you?”

“I'm good! I came with Dehya instead, and it's been a wonderful day.” She smiled back, smoothing down the front of her dress.

“That's good. We're just—” You jerked your head to motion towards the line. “—Waiting, as you can tell.”

“Ah, I see. Well, I'm glad you ended up coming, even if you didn't come with me. Isn't it wonderful?” Nilou gushed.

You nodded, with a slightly strained smile. Kaveh noticed the change instantly, studying your expression with a frown. “Yeah, it is.”

“I'd better go, Dehya is waiting for me. Take care, [Name]!” Nilou gave you a brief side-hug, before waving goodbye and dashing off.

“I didn't know you were friends with Nilou.” Kaveh said as soon as she left.

“Yeah, she's a classmate.” You said simply, leaving it at that.

After some time, you managed to make it into the compartment and on the Ferris Wheel. Kaveh sat across from you, pulling his legs close so you had more room to get comfortable, and your peacock plushie rested on your lap. The entire box was filled with windows, giving you a full view of the fair as it rose into the air.

“Woah... you can see everything up here.” As the box began to dip back down, your head swiveled to see as much of the area as possible.

“It's amazing... everything looks so small.” Kaveh breathed, as you hummed in agreement.

The two of you lapsed into a comfortable silence, simply basking in each other's company as you observed the landscape below. There wasn't a need for awkward small talk or idle conversation to fill the space between you; you were happy to just exist with each other for a moment.

“There's one thing I don't get.” Kaveh said suddenly. You looked away from the window with a curious expression, silently waiting for him to elaborate. “You said you didn't have anyone to go here with, but Nilou implied she already asked you and you turned her down. Why is that?”

“Oh. Yeah. I lied.” You shrugged, turning back to watch the Ferris Wheel move upwards.

“Why would you lie?” Kaveh spluttered at your nonchalant response.

You made a noncommittal noise, shrugging again. “Nilou could find someone else to go with. I wanted to go with you.”

He stumbled over his words, trying to get out a coherent response. “But—But why?”

“Do I need a reason?” You laughed, bright and clear. “You're my best friend. And besides, you needed a break. I haven't seen you this relaxed in a week.”

Kaveh fell silent. You had a point, he hadn't felt as relaxed in a while. In fact, he had barely given all of his stresses a thought, since you dragged him to the fair.

You always had that way with him, able to pull him out of his own head and get him back on his feet. Ever since you became friends, you were the ray of sunshine peeking through the clouds and bringing light to even his most dull days.

Maybe that was the foundation of your relationship, all the times you had seen each other at rock bottom, and still stuck around to bring the other back to the surface for air. He'd been witness to many of your own late-night breakdowns over failed assignments and miserable group projects, but he would never dream of leaving you to deal with it on your own.

It was you and him, against the world. As close as two friends could be, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

“What would I do without you?” Kaveh sighed, with a smile on his face. You looked back and grinned at him, the sunlight on your face making it look like you were glowing.

“No idea. But you're stuck with me now.”

🏷️ taglist: @tragedy-of-commons, @mollzaj, @wystiix, @mikashisus.

© aviiarie 2024. do not copy, repost, translate or use my work to train ai

[lunajay33]

Wrong Outcome

•🖤🦇🪻•

Summary: You’ve been with Cassian since well forever, being Rhysands sister you met him young and have been inseparable, you find out you’re pregnant but he chooses Nesta, but when you dissapear he realizes he made a mistake

Pairing: Cassian x f!reader

•Masterlist•

Everything was exactly how I wanted it, my brother was finally home, my two bestfriends, Azriel and Mor, and the man I’ve always loved, he treated me like I was the center of his world but then things changed, Feyre came along and then shortly after her sisters and suddenly Nesta was all Cas cared about

He slowly stopped staying with me at night, started missing out every Saturday dates that we’ve had since well forever, and now I can barely get a word out of him without his attention being completely on her and what’s worse is that she’s so cruel to me

I sighed waking up in my empty bed that use to be warmed by Cassian, I’m wearing an over sized shirt and my hair is raggedy and my face swollen and blotchy from crying, I drag myself to Rhysands office where he’d be early in the mornings

I slumped down in the chair across from him biting nervously on my lip

“Woah sis you’re not looking so good” he said putting his work aside and coming to sit next to me

“Why does he love her so much but not me, did I do something, what does she have that I don’t” I sigh as the tears continue to stream

“Oh my little star it’s not you he’s just a block head, he’ll realize what he’s missing” he said pushing my head back

“But I don’t want him to realize I’m the one after he’s tried out with someone else, he barely even looks at me anymore”

“I wish I could take your pain away”

“Why can’t I have a love like yours and Feyres”

Before he could answer I got up and dragged myself back through the living room on my way to the kitchen seeing Nesta and Cassian sat on the couch a little too close

“Looking a little pudgy lately don’t you think” Nesta laughed and she pointed at my belly, I’ve only recently noticed but I’ve barely eaten enough to gain that much weight, I wrap my arms around my self noticing Azriel come up behind me and lead me to his room

“It’s like living with an evil spirit” he groans as he sets me down on his bed

“Can you take me away, just drop me off at the family cabin or anywhere I just…….i can’t be here anymore Az……please” he nods reassuringly

I pack a bag and load up some food for my time away before he wishes me away

“Are you sure you’ll be okay here?” He asks gently squeezing my arms

“Maybe just check up on me once in a while, just don’t tell the others except Rhys okay”

“Okay”

•

The days dragged on into weeks into months and quickly I found out in pregnant, it was heart breaking at first realizing the man of my dreams doesn’t even want me anymore let alone a baby, but after some talking with Azriel I realized it was a gift, to be able to have a little bundle of joy and he’d be there for me every step of the way

As I got closer to my due date Azriel convinced me to come home so I wasn’t alone during birth, I hear a knock at the door and it Azriel as I open the door

“Ready to come home Angel?”

“As long as you’re by my side” I smile as I thread my arm through his

We were back in the family home and my heart started picking up

“I’m nervous” I whisper as I turn into Az

“It’ll be okay” we walk into the living room where everyone is and they all turn to us, ending all conversation

“My little star you’re…….youre pregnant?” Rhys asks as he shoots up from his chair and comes over rubbing my belly

I nod knowing how excited he’d be it killed me to keep it a secret from him

Azriel and I sat down at the dining table seeing how everyone had so many questions

“Where have you been?” Mor breaks the silence

“I needed to get away” I glance over at Cassian and Nesta

“Is it Azriels?” Cassian asks worry written all over his face, sometimes I wish it was Azriel with how well he treats me

“No” I say squeezing his hand under the table

“Then who’s?” Elain speaks up

“It doesn’t matter anymore”

The room fell silent

“It’s mine isn’t it” Cassian sighed looking like a lost puppy

I silently nodded looking down at my lap, I hear the chair screech back heavy footsteps walking my way before I’m pulled up and being dragged away

“What are you doing you can’t just ignore me when Nesta comes along and think you can just push me around now” I groan as I push him away when we get far enough away from the living room

“Listen please, I’m sorry I didn’t treat you right, it’s just I felt something when I was with her but then I realized it was only because that reserved part of her reminded me of you when Rhys first introduced us, and that I’ve been ignore you and then you were gone and I felt it in my chest…..you’re my mate” his words took my breath away

“Really? You’re not lying to me”

“Of course not, I love you and I made a mistake please give me another chance” he was practically begging now

“Okay but….youre going to have to make it up to me, I’m talking about a lot of sweets”

“Anything I’ll always do anything for you”

•

It’s been a month since I came back and a few days after I gave birth to the cutest little girl she had purple eyes and dark brown hair with tiny wings and Cassian has been doing alot of reperations and got quite a talking from Azriel and Rhys but I’m just glad things are back to how I always imagined

[sayokoni]

The weight of hatred

Summary: The reader is assigned as Toji Zenin’s maid in the hostile Zenin estate. Despite his indifference and the clan’s hate for him, she continues to serve him, gradually softening the distance between them.

Warnings: Abuse (towards Toji </3), Neglect, hostile environment, Master and servant relationship, some insult, a little cursing ( please let me know if I forget smt:p )

Word count: 2,9k

“Go away.”

“Piece of shit.”

“You were a mistake.”

“Just die already.”

These were the words Toji had heard every day, without fail, from members of his own clan. They didn’t even bother to hide their hatred for him. It didn’t matter if he was minding his own business, if he was sleeping, or even if he was on the verge of death—those hateful looks and venomous words never disappeared. It was as if they had made it their mission to make him feel like he didn’t belong here, like he was a burden that needed to be removed.

Even when he was silent and still, lost in his own thoughts or resting in solitude, he could feel their eyes on him, full of disgust. It was a constant, oppressive weight, one that had been with him since the moment he was born into this cruel world.

At first, it stung, like an open wound that wouldn’t heal. But over the years, he had learned to accept it. There was no point in fighting it. He couldn’t change their minds, and he couldn’t change the way they treated him. So he did the only thing he could—he grew numb. He shut off his emotions, buried them deep, and let the bitterness and hatred wash over him like a storm he couldn’t escape.

It was never going to stop. Toji had long since accepted that. The hatred would stay with him until the day he died, and maybe even beyond that. So he learned to live with it, because it was the only thing he could do.

“Hey, scum, get up. There’s a family meeting, and they want everyone there” came the sharp, voice of one of the clan members.

Toji glanced up for a moment but said nothing. What he wanted to say—what burned at the back of his throat—was a simple “Fuck off.” But he didn’t. He hadn’t said things like that in years.

What was the point? Fighting back wouldn’t help. If anything, it would only make things worse for him. It always did. Besides, how much worse could it get? They already treated him like garbage, like a parasite they couldn’t quite get rid of.

He’d endured it all before. The insults, the starvation, the endless punishments—they had tried to break him in every way they could think of. And maybe they had succeeded. Toji couldn’t remember the last time he felt something other than anger or emptiness. Nothing they did now could hurt him in the same way again.

So he didn’t fight back, didn’t argue, didn’t let them see even a flicker of defiance. Instead, he simply stood up, his movements slow and steady ,as if the weight of his existence was too much to bear.

There was no purpose in resisting.

So he would simply continue existing, waiting for death to eventually claim him.

“The Zenin clan has seen remarkable growth over the past years,” one of the elders announced proudly during the meeting. His voice carried an air of smugness that got on Toji’s nerves. “Our clan is wealthy, and we can count many young members who show great promise as future fighters. To honor our success, we shall hold a grand festival. We will celebrate with lots of food, entertainment, and, of course, buy us more maids, concubines, and whatever else our hearts desire.”

Toji sat in the corner of the room, arms crossed, listening to their self-congratulatory speeches with growing disgust. They dragged him here for this? To pat themselves on the back and flaunt their arrogance in front of one another? His jaw tightened as he clenched his fists under the table.

So full of themselves. So unbearably self-satisfied. It made him sick to his stomach.

He barely kept himself from walking out of the room, the bitterness rising in his chest. But leaving would only draw attention to himself, and thats the last thing he wanted. Instead he sat there, angry and annoyed, just waiting for it to end.

A total of 150 maids and concubines had been brought into the Zenin clan, with about two-thirds serving as maids and the rest as concubines. You were one of the ordinary maids, without any special abilities or talents. You could cook, clean, sew, and perform all the duties expected of a maid.

When you were first informed that you would be sold to the Zenin clan, you weren’t exactly thrilled. Everyone knew of their reputation—stories of their cruelty spread like wildfire. Rumors spoke of the clan’s heartless nature, where torture and punishment were part of their daily routine. It was said they wouldn’t even spare their own blood if someone dared to step out of line.

These rumors made your stomach turn, but there was no escaping your fate. You were just a maid, with no power or influence to change what was to come.

You were led through the grand gates of the Zenin estate, your heart heavy with each step. The towering walls, the grand buildings, the shiny floors—they all seemed to shine with wealth and power, but you knew the truth. Everything here was built on blood, pain, and suffering. The estate, with its beautiful designs and expensive materials, was a place that felt like it had been soaked in tragedy. Each corner seemed to hold a dark history, a reminder of the cruelty that ran deep within the Zenin clan. The luxury surrounding you felt oppressive, like it was closing in on you. You couldn’t shake the feeling that all this wealth had come at the cost of many lives, and you were now a part of it, trapped in a world that didn’t care about you or anyone else. The beauty around you seemed fake, as though it was trying to cover up the darkness beneath.

You had been told your duties would be simple—serve your assigned master, follow orders, and keep your head down. Do what you were told, and perhaps you’d avoid the wrath of the clan. At first, you were relieved. A life of servitude seemed like the easiest path in such a cruel world. But then they told you who you’d be serving.

Toji Zenin.

The name sent a chill down your spine, even though you had never met him. You had heard whispers from the other maids, their voices full of fear and disgust. “The clan’s black sheep,” they called him. “A man despised even by his own blood.” They said he was dangerous, violent, a man who had no loyalty or care for anyone around him. Rumors painted him as a monster—cruel, silent, and detached, a living weapon with a heart as cold as stone.

But when you first saw him, fear didn’t take hold of you like you expected. Instead, there was something else, something you couldn’t quite understand. His presence was overwhelming, impossible to ignore. His tall, broad figure stood like a constant reminder of his strength, yet there was a certain defiance in the way he carried himself. Despite that, it wasn’t his size or strength that caught your attention. It was his eyes. They held something you hadn’t expected to see—something that surprised you. They were filled with exhaustion, a deep bitterness, and an overwhelming weariness. It was as if his eyes told a story, one of a man who had suffered countless wounds, both physical and emotional, and who had been broken only to be forced to rebuild himself again. The world had shaped him into something harsh, and it showed in the way he looked at everything around him, as though he was tired of it all.

“Hey, scum. This is your personal maid,” a clan member said, his voice dripping with disdain. “You only get one because you’re not worth more.”

Toji barely spared you a glance, his eyes sweeping over you without any hint of interest. His gaze was flat, almost as if he was looking right through you. He didn’t seem to care at all about the fact that you were now his servant.

“Be grateful you even get this,” the clan member sneered, his words sharp as he turned and walked away, leaving you standing alone in front of Toji’s chambers.

You didn’t know what to say. The air between you felt thick with discomfort, and you stood there for a moment, unsure of how to react. Before you could find your voice, Toji turned back to you, his expression distant.

“Do whatever you want,” he said in a low, uncaring tone. “I don’t have a use or need for a maid.” He gave you one last glance, a look that held no emotion, then turned and walked into his chambers without another word. The door clicked shut behind him, leaving you standing there, frozen, as his words echoed in your mind.

You felt the weight of his indifference settle in your chest. He wasn’t cruel—no, that would have been easier to bear. He simply didn’t care. You were nothing to him, a tool he had no use for, and that truth stung deeper than any insult could have.

THE NEXT DAY

You were one of the first to wake up this morning, ready to serve your assigned master, despite the fact that Toji had made it very clear that he didn’t need you, that you were nothing more than another burden in his life. But still, you did your duty without complaint.

The moment, as you walked into the kitchen to collect his meal, something felt off. When you approached the counter, your heart sank. The tray set aside for Toji was a mess. The food was burned, charred to the point where it almost looked inedible. The smell was Insufferable, a burnt odor that made your stomach turn. The sight of it sent a wave of confusion through you, but then, reality set in.

Toji wasn’t liked by anyone here—he was a black sheep, treated with hate by his own people. They loathed him, and it was clear they would never give him anything of quality. He was nothing more than an inconvenience to them. The meal you were expected to bring him wasn’t food; it was a punishment. A way for them to make him feel more isolated. You felt a wave of sympathy for him, but it was quickly replaced by the cold reminder that you were just a maid. This was your job.

You hesitated, your fingers hovering over the tray. Should you bring him this burnt, inedible mess? It wasn’t right, but you had no choice. It was your responsibility to deliver it. So, with a deep breath, you forced yourself to pick up the tray, the weight of it heavier than you expected, though it wasn’t from the food itself.

You walked down the long hallway. When you reached Toji’s chambers, you knocked softly on the door, but there was no response. You waited a moment, thinking he might overheard it but still there was no sound coming from the other side of the room.

You knocked again, this time with a little more force, but still no answer. Your nerves were on edge now. You could leave the tray and go, but that felt like an insult. No, you had to face him, had to do your duty.

You took a deep breath and gathered all the courage you could muster. “Master Toji?” you said, your voice wavering slightly despite your best efforts. “I’ve come to bring you your breakfast..I’m coming in now.”

With those words, you pushed the door open, stepping into the room. The silence in the air was oppressive, thick with an unspoken tension. The room was dark, the only light coming from a crack in the curtains. Toji was seated by the window, his back to you. His posture was rigid, like he was trying to escape from everything around him, even the world outside.

You moved towards a small table, carefully setting the tray down. The food was a mess—an insult, really—but you said nothing. You didn’t want to draw attention to it. But as you turned to leave, you felt his gaze on you. It wasn’t warm, not in the least, but it wasn’t dismissive either. For a split second, you wondered if he would say something—anything—but instead, he just sighed, his voice low and weary.

“You can go now” he said, his tone cold, no emotions in it. nothing.

You nodded, not daring to say another word, and turned to leave. The door closing softly behind you.

By lunchtime, your heart felt heavier than ever in your life. When you went to collect Toji’s meal, you saw the same miserable excuse for food sitting on the tray. Burned, poorly prepared, and clearly made with nothing but contempt. It wasn’t just negligence—it was deliberate. They hated him so much that they wouldn’t even let him have a proper meal.

You carried the lunch tray to his chambers, knowing full well what you’d find. And sure enough, when you entered his room, the untouched breakfast tray was still sitting where you’d left it. The food was cold, and entirely inedible. Toji hadn’t even bothered to glance at it. He remained by the window as always, quiet and detached, his eyes fixed on the horizon.

You placed the new tray beside the old one, feeling a mix of guilt and frustration well up inside you. How could anyone survive like this? How long had he endured being treated like this? The indignity of it all was suffocating, and yet Toji didn’t say a word. He didn’t even look at you, as if this treatment was something he’d long since accepted.

As dinnertime arrived, you couldn’t take it anymore. When you went to the kitchens to fetch his evening meal, the sight of yet another tray of disgusting food—burnt beyond recognition, the smell alone turning your stomach—was the last straw. You stood there for a moment, staring at it, your hands trembling with anger. Enough was enough.

Making sure no one was watching, you grabbed the tray and hurried to a quiet corner of the estate where no one would see you. There, you dumped the entire tray into a bin, the sound of the wasted food falling away feeling oddly liberating. You straightened up, your heart pounding. What if someone found out? What if they saw you? But you shook the thoughts away. You couldn’t let him be treated like this anymore.

You made your way to the storage room, slipping inside as quietly as you could. The shelves were lined with ingredients—fresh produce, spices, meats, and grains—all untouched and far too luxurious to be wasted on someone they despised. You hesitated for only a moment before gathering what you needed. You couldn’t do much, but you could at least give him a meal that was edible, something that didn’t reek like death .

Back in the kitchen, you worked quickly and silently, your hands moving with purpose. You prepared a simple but hearty meal, seasoning it with care and making sure everything was cooked perfectly. The smell of the food was comforting, filling the small space with warmth. For the first time since arriving at the Zenin estate, you felt like you were doing something right.

Once the meal was finished, you carefully placed it on a tray and covered it, sneaking away from the kitchen with the same caution as before. Your heart raced as you made your way to Toji’s chambers, every shadow and sound making you jump. If anyone caught you, there would be hell to pay. But you didn’t care. Not anymore.

When you reached his room, you knocked softly, not expecting an answer. As usual, there was only silence. Taking a deep breath, you pushed the door open and stepped inside.

Toji was sitting by the window, as always, but this time, he glanced over his shoulder at you, his sharp eyes narrowing slightly when he saw the tray in your hands. You set it down on the table without a word, your hands shaking slightly. For a moment, you thought about explaining yourself, about telling him what you’d done, but the words caught in your throat.

“I brought your dinner,” you said softly, your voice barely above a whisper.

Toji didn’t respond immediately. His gaze lingered on the tray, and then on you, as if trying to figure out what you were playing at. Finally, he let out a low hum, his expression unreadable.

“Did you make this?” he asked, his voice rough but quieter than usual.

You nodded, your palms clammy. “Yes. I thought… I thought you might like something different.”

He said nothing for a long moment, his eyes narrowing slightly as he studied you. Then, with a faint shrug, he leaned back in his chair and gestured toward the door. “Leave it. You can go now.”

You hesitated, unsure if he was going to eat or simply let this meal go to waste like the others. But you couldn’t press him, not now. You nodded and turned to leave, closing the door softly behind you.

Later that night, when you returned to collect the tray, your heart sank as you prepared yourself to see the food untouched again. But when you stepped inside and saw the empty plates, your breath caught. He had eaten it. Every last bite.

For a moment, you just stood there, staring at the empty tray, your chest tightening with an emotion you couldn’t quite name. You couldn’t tell if this small victory meant anything to him, but it meant something to you. For the first time since arriving at the Zenin estate, you felt like you’d done something that mattered.

Thanks for reading <3

[morgana-larkin]

hey! could you write a hurt/comfort with age gap chessy x reader where reader feels like she isnt good enough for chessy because of being younger than her and chessy comforts her? (btw just keep up the awesome work!)

Hi Anon! Sorry this took awhile to write but I finally got it finished! Thank you for the compliment as well!! Not edited in the slightest and I hope you like it!

On another note: I miscounted the amount of Chessy prompts I had, I had 4 instead of 3 but I currently have 2 left and I already started the next one which is a mama bear Chessy! Also I just started my period today so yes there's a good possibility that the next 2 fics shall also have smut in it.

Good Enough

Warnings: Smut, reader has doubt

Words: 4.4k

Hey Y/n, wake up.” You hear and you groan before opening your eyes.

“What?” You ask and Chessy smiles.

“I know you don’t work until 11 but I made breakfast and thought you’d want some.” She tells you and you yawn while you rub your eyes. 

“You made breakfast?” You ask her and she nods.

“There’s some scrambled eggs and toast with your name on it. Made it just how you like it.” She tells you and you smile before you get up.

“What time is it?” You ask her and she looks at her watch. 

“Almost 9.” She says and you stretch before you put your slippers on and stand up. “So I was thinking that since I have to go to the market today anyway, then I can bring you to work.” She says as you’re eating breakfast. “And maybe stop and get a nice cup of coffee from the beautiful barista.” She tells you and you smile.

“I’d like that.” You tell her and she boops your nose before kissing your cheek.

“Alright I’ll drive you to work then and pick you up since your car is here.” She says and you nod.

“Thanks Chess.” You say as you grab her hand and she smiles at you.

“What are girlfriends for?” She says and you smile.

“I still can’t believe we’re together, I thought you’d never be interested in me with our 15 year age difference.” You tell her and she shrugs.

“Age is just a number, as long as you’re older than 20.” She says and then goes to do the dishes. “I still don’t understand why you never just ask for an egg sandwich.” She says as she watches you put scrambled eggs on one piece of toast and then adding the other piece of toast.

“Because you’ll make it differently if I do and I like making it myself.” You tell her and she rolls her eyes before adding all the dishes in the sink.

“Do you want anything else? Or do you have something for your lunch later?” She asks and you think about it.

“I’ll just grab an apple or something at the market.” You tell her and she turns around to look at you.

“An apple? I keep telling you to pack a proper lunch for when you work.” She says and you freeze with your mouth open and the sandwich is right in front of your mouth.

“I just never see the need for a proper lunch. I’ll just have an apple and then have some food when I get home.” You tell her.

“Alright then, what time is your lunch anyway? Do you need to grab an apple before work?” She asks and you think about it. 

“No, I have my lunch break around 3-3:30. And the stalls don’t close until around 5.” You tell her and she nods.

You have a shower and then you get ready for work. You put on your uniform and put your hair in a ponytail. Chessy drives you to work and she walks with you to the coffee shop to make sure you get there safely.

“I’ll see you later?” You tell her once you enter the coffee shop.

“Yep, I’ll pick you up at 7.” She says and you nod before giving her a kiss.

“Oohh, who’s your girlfriend Y/n?” You hear and you turn around to see your coworkers there watching you.

“Chessy, meet Ali and Theo. I work with them on Saturdays and Sundays.” You tell her. Chessy walks up to them and sees their full names on the name tags, Alison and Theodore.

“Hi, I’m Chessy.” She tells them and she smiles at you.

“Wait, Jessie?” Ali says and you snort.

“No, people make that mistake. It’s Chessy, C H E S S Y.” She spells out for them. “Short for Francesca.” She explains and they nod. “It was nice to meet you but I gotta pick some stuff up at the market. Bye hon, love you.” She tells you.

“I love you too.” You tell her and she leaves.

You put your bag in your little cubby in the back before grabbing an apron and they’re both looking at you.

“What?”

“Give us all the juicy details.” Theo tells you and you sigh.

“Don’t know what juicy details you’re expecting. Two girls met at the market, they caught feelings, one asked the other on a date and they’re now in a relationship.” You tell them.

“Give us more than that.” Theo says.

“Like when did you meet? Who asked who out? What’s the age difference? And most importantly, is she good in bed?” Ali asks you. You look at the cafe and see no customers there yet as it’s just before the lunch rush.

“We met 5 months ago and she asked me out 3 months ago. She’s 15 years older than me, and I don’t know, we haven’t had sex yet.” You tell them and their jaws drops.

“You haven’t had sex yet? Are you a prude or something?” Theo asks you.

“No, it’s just that…” You try to say but you stumble and then give up trying.

“It’s just what? Are you not attracted to her?” Ali pushes.

“What? That’s not it, I am very attracted to her. It’s just that…the age difference is making me nervous.” You admit and they look at you and tilt their heads.

“She’s 38 right?” Ali asks and you nod your head. “What’s the problem about the ages? Why does it make you nervous?” She asks and you look at the ground and take a deep breath before answering.

“I feel like I’m not good enough. I mean I’m 23, I’m a barista getting minimum wage. I live in a crappy apartment with a roommate and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Meanwhile Chessy is a live-in nanny who lives in a beautiful house, gets more than enough per month to live comfortably, never has to worry about money and she knows what she wants and who she is.” You tell them.

“Does Chessy know you feel like this?” Theo asks and you shake your head.

“I don’t know about queers, being the only straight one in this room, but in straight relationships, the two people in said relationship talk about how they feel. They communicate.” Ali says.

“Us queers do it too.” Theo tells Ali. “Just this one is being a chicken.” He adds and then someone walks in. 

The lunch rush starts and the 3 of you don’t have time to talk about anything for an hour.

“Hey Y/n.” You hear and you turn around to give the customer their coffee and you see Chessy is next in line.

“You can serve this one.” Theo says and then he walks away from the register. You walk to the register and you look at her.

“What can I get you?” You ask her with a smile and she looks at the options. 

“Considering it’s my first time here and the barista knows what I like, what do you think I should get?” She asks you and you think about it.

“You can just get black coffee, 2 cream and 2 sugars just how you like.” You say to her and she smiles.

“I’m trying to be adventurous.” She says and you offer a couple suggestions for her to try that she might like and she orders one. She gives you the money and she puts the change in the tip jar while Ali makes the drink. “How’s it going? It’s pretty busy in here.” She tells you as she looks around.

“Ya it starts getting busy around 11:30 as it’s the lunch rush.” You tell her and she nods.

“By the way I wanted to ask you something, is everything alright? It’s just ever since you started visiting the ranch, you’ve been acting different. None of the Parker’s said anything bad, right?” She asks you and you shake your head.

“No, nothing like that, just life things.” You tell her and she nods.

“Ok, well I hope you can come to the ranch tomorrow evening. Chillier night so I was going to get a fire going and maybe we can have a nice hot cocoa together.” She tells you and you smile.

“Yes, of course, I love that plan.” You tell her and then Ali comes with the drink and gives it to Chessy. Chessy takes a sip and smiles.

“What a great recommendation and excellent service.” She says and winks at you. “I’ll see you later hon.” She tells you.

“See you later.” You tell her and then she leaves. “Took longer on making the drink, I see.” You tell her and she smiles.

“I just didn’t rush or ‘make it quick.’” She says and you snort at her impression of some of your customers. You take your first break 45 minutes later and you sit outside and just enjoy watching the market. You go back in and you go through your bag to get your water bottle out and you find a container there that isn’t yours. You open it up and see a peanut butter sandwich there and realised Chessy must have slipped in it while you were showering. 

“Those damn mother instincts of hers.” You mumble out loud.

“Mother instincts of who?” Ali asks you and you hold up the container.

“Chessy secretly packed me lunch after I told her I don’t eat much at work.” You tell her. 

“Awww, that’s so sweet.” She says and you roll your eyes and take a sip from your water bottle.

Chessy walks in exactly at 7 to come drive you back to the ranch. You pack up your things and say goodbye to the evening crew before you head out.

“So I noticed a sandwich in my bag today.” You tell her when she’s driving back.

“Really? That’s so weird.” She says sarcastically and you chuckle.

“Thank you, it was sweet of you.” You tell her and she smiles at you.

“It’s not a problem hon, just helping out my girl.” She tells you and you blush. “Are you sure you don’t want to sleep here again?” She asks once you’re back at the ranch and packing up your overnight bag.

“Ya I’m sure.”

“It’s just you said you don’t like your apartment and that my bed is more comfortable.” She tells you, trying to get you to stay over again.

“Well I can’t always stay here, we just started going out 3 months ago. No matter how comfortable you and your bed are.” You say and she smiles shyly.

“I’m comfortable to sleep with?” She asks and you nod.

“You’re very warm which is nice and these…” You say and point to her boobs. “Are very comfortable pillows.” You say and she giggles. “But I have to go home so that we have a chance to miss each other.” You tell her and she strokes your cheek.

“I know, and you’re right. I’ll just miss you.” She says and you kiss her.

“I’ll miss you too.” You tell her and she goes and kisses you again. No one pulls back and you both make out until Chessy moans into the kiss and then you pull back. “I’ll see you tomorrow though and I’ll stay over as I don’t have work on Monday.” You tell her and she smiles and nods.

“I can’t wait until tomorrow night then. You can come straight from work and I'll have dinner ready for you.” She says.

“My hero.” You tell her and then give her a kiss on the cheek before grabbing your bag and walking to the front door. You two kiss one more time and tell each other ‘I love you’ before you go to your car. Chessy watches to make sure you make it to your car safely and then she closes the door when she can’t see your car anymore.

“Things are going well between you two.” Elizabeth tells her from the couch when Chessy walks into the living room.

“They’re going extremely well but I can’t help feeling as if she’s holding back a little.” Chessy tells her.

“How old is she again?” Elizabeth asks as she puts down her book.

“23.” 

“Well she’s at the age where she’s figuring everything out if she hasn’t already. I remember when I was 23, because that’s when I married Nick the first time.” She says and Chessy chuckles. “Just give her some time and she’ll come to you if she needs help with anything.” Elizabeth says to her and Chessy nods. 

“Thanks.” Chessy tells her and then goes to her room.

You go home and enter your apartment building and your roommate is there doing some college work. 

“Nice to see you again, have fun with your girlfriend?” She asks and you nod.

“We didn’t do anything last night, I know that’s what you’re thinking.” You tell her.

“Still haven’t done it? It’s been 3 months. My boyfriend and I did it after a month.” She tells you.

“That’s because you two are very horny.” You say with a smile.

“And you’re not? We have very thin walls, I know what you do most nights.” She says and you roll your eyes. “Is it her that’s holding back or you?” She asks while writing some things down.

“Me, I know she’s ready.” You tell her honestly.

“And why are you holding back?” She asks.

“Because I’m scared. I don’t even know anything about myself and she’s so put together. I don’t even know what she sees in me.” You tell her and she looks at you.

“So it’s still about the age difference, I already told you to talk to her.” She says and you groan.

“I’m scared to talk to her, I mean what if I bring to light things that she didn’t think of about me and then she wants to break up after? Or what if she sees that I’m not the person she thought I was and then leaves?” You tell her and she looks at you.

“You lesbians are so dramatic.” She teases you with.

“Evelyn.” You groan out and she laughs.

“Just talk to her, she’ll either help calm your worries or she’ll end it with you. Either way your worries will disappear.” She says and you look at her.

“Her ending it with me is what I’m worried about.” 

“If she ends it with you then it’s her loss but she seems very into you, well from the 3 times she’s come over here. You honestly hang out more there than you do here. Starting to feel like I’m living by myself and it’s kinda nice.” She tells you and you throw a pillow from the couch at her.

“By the way I’m going there right after work tomorrow and spending the night.” You tell her and she nods.

“Good to know, I can invite my boyfriend over again.” She says with a smile and you sit back on the couch.

“Hey hon.” Chessy says as she lets you in the house. “How was work?” She asks and gives you a kiss.

“Same as always, my coworkers were teasing me again. Because they’ve now met you and keep bombarding me with questions.” You tell her and she giggles. “Theo says you’re a stunner by the way.” 

“Well you can tell him I say thank you.” She says and leads you to the kitchen. “Here’s some soup as the weather is getting colder.” She says and hands you a bowl.

“Thanks, and it’s almost November so I’m not surprised that it's colder.” You tell her and she just leans on the counter and continues the conversation with you as you eat. “Where’s everyone else?” You ask her since you haven’t seen anyone come downstairs at all.

“Hallie and Annie needed help with a project so they’re all upstairs.” She tells you and you nod.

“You’re not helping them?” You ask her and she shakes her head.

“I was but they pushed me out of the room as they knew you were coming over.” She tells you and you laugh. “So we got the downstairs to ourselves.” She tells you and you nod. “You’re quiet, normally you like when it’s just the two of us.” She says to you and you nod.

“I do, just something on my mind.” You say as you finish the soup.

“Wanna talk about it?” She asks and you nod.

“I’m ok.” You tell her and fake a smile. She nods before taking your bowl, putting it in the sink for later and then you both go to the couch.

You both begin snuggling until Chessy leans in and starts kissing you. You expected her to pull away like she usually did, but as of lately she hasn’t been pulling away and that’s starting to worry you. She keeps kissing you and then you moan out and you immediately pull away.

“What’s wrong?” She asks and you look at her.

“Nothing.” 

“Are you sure? It just seems as somethings been bothering you lately and I’ve been trying to wait until you come to me about it but you haven’t.” She tells you and you look down. “You can talk to me about anything.” She says as she lifts your chin up to look at her.

“I know, but I’m scared about talking to you about it.” 

“Why?”

“Because it involves you.” You tell her and she looks at you confused. “We’re both aware of the age difference between us, and I’m trying to act like it doesn’t bother me but it shows all the time.”

“What shows?” She asks.

“The age difference. I have no idea where my life is headed and you have everything figured out.” You admit to her and she gives you a sympathetic look. “I’m a 23 year old barista who gets minimum wage and lives in a crappy apartment and needs a roommate because I can’t afford it by myself.” You tell her. “You’re so together and you live comfortably and never have to worry about money or about where your life is headed as you have it figured out.” You add and she gets you to look at her.

“My life wasn’t always this way, I was hired by Nick and Elizabeth when I was your age to be the live-in nanny when Elizabeth was 7 months pregnant.” She tells you.

“But don’t you want someone who has their life together already?” You ask her and she shakes her head. “I want someone who loves me for who I am.” She tells you. “And you’ll figure out your life, you’re still figuring everything out and I understand that.” 

“I just feel like I’m not good enough for you.” You tell her and she caresses your cheek. 

“You are good enough for me, I love you and I’m willing to stick by you while you figure out what you wanna do.” She says and a tear falls down your cheek. “You’re beautiful, smart and you got a mouth that’s great with comebacks.” She says and then she kisses you. “It’s also great with kisses.” She adds once she pulls back. You lunge forward and kiss her with force and it causes her to fall backwards onto the couch and she takes you with her. “Oomph.” You continue kissing her and she puts her hands in your hair and keeps you close to her.

“Get a room.” You hear and you both look behind you to see Elizabeth and Nick there with a smile on their faces. “Actually Chessy, you have a room upstairs.” Nick says and you look at Chessy before getting off of her. 

“Sorry.” You tell him and then Chessy grabs your hand and quickly brings you to her room. She closes her door and then you immediately kiss her once she turns around.

“Wait wait wait.” Chessy says breathlessly. “If it keeps going then I won’t want to stop.” She tells you and you smile.

“I don’t want you to stop.” You tell her and you see her eyes darken before she goes back to kissing you, then lifts you up and brings you to the bed, all without breaking the kiss.

Chessy wastes no time in taking all your clothes off and kissing and licking all over your body. She makes sure to leave hickeys all over your neck and chest and you know you’ll worry later about how to hide them when you work.

She trails down to your nipples and gives each of them a good amount of attention that you start trying to grind on her and beg, which is probably what she wanted.

“Chessy, please, I need you.” You tell her and she smirks before she places herself between your legs. She wraps her arms around your thighs and brings you closer to her. She then dives in and starts sucking on your clit and the moans and gasps are failing out of your mouth. You grab onto her hair with one hand and the sheets with the other as you feel your orgasm slowly building. Chessy inserts one finger inside of you and you have to bite down on your lip so you don’t scream and let the whole house know what you both are doing. You feel your orgasm is right there and your whole body tenses before you cover your mouth with your hand and feel your orgasm wash all over you. Chessy licks up all your juices before she pulls back then climbs on you until you’re face to face. She kisses you and you taste yourself on her and you moan into the kiss. You then put your hands on her body to feel her and realise she’s still wearing all her clothes and you pull back. “What the hell? Take off your fucking clothes.” You tell her and she laughs before she takes off her sweater, which is followed by her shirt then bra. As you stare at her chest, she takes off her khakis and underwear.

“This more to your liking, hon?” She asks and you nod with a smile. She lays down beside you and wraps an arm around you to cuddle but you want to return the favour. You move closer to her and then you easily find her clit and begin rubbing it. “Y/n.” She moans out and you smile.

“Does that feel good?” You ask her and she quickly nods. 

“Don’t stop…keep going.” She pants and you go faster, causing her to bring your face close to hers so she can kiss you to avoid making any loud noises. “Oh god.” She whines out and you can tell she won’t last long with the way her legs are shaking and that she’s gripping your hair while pulling you in for a kiss. You then feel her body tense up before she gasps into the kiss and then her entire body relaxes. You pull away from her clit and then use the hand to cup her cheek while still kissing her.

“Thank you.” You tell her once you both pull back and she looks at you.

“For the sex?”

“No, well for that as well, but thank you for telling me I’m good enough for you.” You say and she tucks a few strands that are sticking to your face behind your ear.

“I wish you would have told me what was bothering you sooner, hon. I was getting really worried.” She tells you and you look down. “But I’m glad you told me in the end, better late than never.” She adds with a smile. “Wait, is the reason we waited to have sex was because you thought you weren’t good enough for me?” You nod to her question then look down and she cups your cheek. “I’m not mad about having to wait for you, I’m not mad at all.”

“I’ve been wanting to have sex with you for over a month but my fears and doubts kept getting in the way.”

“Hon, promise me that next time something is bothering you, please tell me.” She tells you and you nod.

“I promise.” You tell her and she smiles.

*2 days later*

“You know if you weren’t such a vampire then I wouldn’t have had to wear this awful turtleneck to work.” You tell her as she drives you back to the ranch.

“I didn’t hear any complaints when I was biting your neck.”

“I didn’t have to spend 8 hours in a turtleneck for the past 2 days.” You counter and she smiles.

“Quit complaining, next time you stay overnight just bring your makeup and I’ll cover up any hickeys myself for you.” She tells you as you reach the ranch. “Will I see you friday?” She asks after you gather everything from her room and you nod.

“Yep, can you survive without me for 2 days?” You ask her and she shakes her head.

“I guess we’ll see, and no pleasuring yourself for the next 2 nights.” She says and you gasp.

“What?”

“I want you nice and needy when you come over.” She tells you and you groan.

“Fine.” You say and she smiles then gives you a kiss.”

“Good girl.” 

“Now that’s cheating.” You tell her and she smirks.

“I never said teasing was not allowed.”

“I’ll see you on Friday, I’ll come right over after my shift.” You tell her and she nods before giving you another kiss and then you get in your car. “I love you.”

“I love you too, hon. Remember to call me to let me know you got home safe.” She says and you nod.

“I will.” You say and then close your door and start your car. You walk in through the door of your apartment building and Evelyn is there and she looks up at you.

“And where exactly have you been for 2 days?” She asks and then sees your turtleneck. “Oh, I see.” She says with a smirk and you roll your eyes. “Did you talk to her as well?” She asks as you walk to the phone.

“Yep.” You tell her and then dial Chessy’s number.

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[thelazyhermits]

I made this post two years ago, and since my thoughts about the development of Yuu's relationships have changed since then, I thought I should update this post.

Originally, I had thought that Malleus would be the only guy from Diasomnia to receive a Christmas present cause he was the only one who knew about Yuu being from another world at that point in the timeline, but now, I think that Yuu would want to do something for all of them cause she adopts Sebek right before winter break and she'd feel bad about doing something for him and Malleus but not Lilia/Silver.

Unlike the others, these three gifts wouldn't involve a lot of thinking/planning since she starts preparing them after she adopts Sebek, so Yuu ends up going with the idea of making scarfs for them like she did for Malleus, although she'd decorate them all differently so they wouldn't all look the same.

Sebek's scarf would have cute little crocodiles on it while Lilia's scarf would have bats. Silver's scarf would have little forest critters since he's so popular with them.

Since Yuu sees the Diasomnia boys as a family-like unit, she thinks it'd be cute to give them matching scarfs since she has seen families on TV wearing matching clothes before, which she had always found rather endearing.

As expected, Lilia absolutely loves his scarf cause it was a gift from his future daughter and cause he loves matching with his boys.

Silver also really likes the idea of matching scarves. Considering how big he is on family, I think this type of gift would be his favorite kind to receive, so Yuu gets to see that lovely of his when Silver thanks her for his present.

Sebek also loves his scarf cause it looks the most like Malleus's scarf, color wise, which Yuu obviously did on purpose cause of how much he loves Malleus lol

In addition to the scarves, Yuu also makes goodie bags full of treats for the boys, which Lilia was also ecstatic about since he's elated to receive anything full of his future daughter's love for him haha

While Yuu tells Malleus about Christmas, she just tells the other three that it's common where she's from to exchange gifts around this time of year since they don't know yet that she's from another world since Malleus agreed to keep her origins a secret.

As far as the Pomefiore guys are concerned, even though I hate for them to be the only ones left out, I still think Yuu wouldn't get them anything cause she's not super close to Vil & Rook by this point in the timeline due to only having started interacting them right before winter break started.

In the case of Epel, Yuu is friends with him by this point in time, but they're not super close yet since she hasn't spent much time with him as compared to the rest of her sons.

During the course of Book 5, though, I think Yuu would make Epel something like a scarf, mittens, or a hat as a late Christmas present since they've become closer due to spending so much time together, and by that point, she wants to adopt him like she has the other first yeras.

Plus, working on that present provides something else for her to do during her free time to help her relax, which she definitely needed during that stressful month lol

Giving Vil/Rook late Christmas presents after Book 5 ends is also something she could do, although I feel like preparing gifts for those two would be difficult for her, Vil especially, since she'd have a hard time figuring out what would be a good gift.

Right now, the only thing I can think of is Yuu filling a notebook full of information about movies from her world for Vil, especially movies where villain-like characters really shined and remained on stage until the very end, since he had taken an interest when she had first started talking to him about those movies from her world.

I could see her doing something similar with Rook, but instead, she writes about all the plays that she read growing up since he's big on theater.

Something else she could do for the Pomefiore guys is make them all little knitted items that can be like a keychain.

Epel's would look like an apple. Rook's would be an arrowhead, and Vil's would be a crown.

If I can come up with better ideas, I'll come back and edit these, but for now, these will be the canon presents lol

I managed to complete Book 4! I was worried I wouldn’t be able to after seeing all the horror story posts about Jamil’s fight lol  He was tough, but somehow, I managed to eventually get a victory 😂

While I’ll probably make a post about Book 4 like I did with the other books, I wanna cover another topic first which I’ll go into detail about underneath the cut.

Keep reading