#I needed a break from my exam stuff. I'm forcing my way through

[sergeantnarwhalwrites]

My Characters as Excerpts from poems I wrote/started

Note: A lot of my poetry is shit I write to vent and to get my thoughts down really quick. So a lot of them are intense and very scattered in thoughts. XD Also some of these excerpts are from the same poem. And the second one under Digits is the whole thing I think? I forgot I wrote it. 

Cosma

Or did that sound a little to manly?

A bit overconfident.

Arrogant?

Who cares about that preconceived notion.

Social constructs are so boring and toxic.

I'm trying to live my life without getting kicked to the side in silence.

I ain't whimpering under some notion

That denies every positive motion

And takes a shit on people's emotions.

Drowning a bitch like it's a bottomless ocean.

and 

I'm like a beat drop

Aggressive and ear shattering

Not everyone's cup of tea

But I fall hard and unexpectedly

Arc

I

I

I

I

Well

I

I'm just a facet to be manipulated and utilized regardless of the will of the land.

Cause everybody else deciding what the land want.

Maybe the land is desiring my demise.

and 

You know that parent thing where they lie to you for years.

Build that lie for years so they can stack that hypocrisy.

Stacking like a mason stacks bricks.

Exceptionally!

Tharion

Make America Great Again

It makes me want to recoil beneath my own skin

Cause those words breathing down my neck

And touching me without consent.

Every time I see a red hat I feel myself shivering at the thought that

That some fool really believe they the hero in this story.

Thinking they a vigilante as they walk over the corpses that defied their warped reality.

Greeter

We could all get into that insta baddie business.

So post all your business.

We seriously mean that shit.

Talking like I'm right beside the vibrating speaker

Filled with base.

Like damn I'm screaming over the longest beat drop I've come to face.

I have to leave them lying there in distaste

Force them to remember my face.

and 

I'm so tired

Tired of trying.

A warmth covers me.

A bit too much to be comforting

It covers me.

I cave.

It was so easy too.

I'm exhausted.

Digits

My clothes have absorbed too many tears

Soaked and dragging me.

Pulling me down gradually.

My knee hit the ground

Then the other.

My stomach reaches my soul that's been lying on the ground since forever.

And my head finally taps the ground.

Bro I've K.O-ed

A little further would've been a fatality.

and 

You in your feelings?

You... 

In your feelings?

Ha been kicking those bitches to the curb

Since they started piling on.

Your a fool for letting them cling on so long.

But go on player.

You get paid to carry this out.

How can you allow such a thing to happen

Without some green on the side.

Makes the job worthwhile.

Damn player

Getting played by your emotions.

Donnie

I sold my soul today

Because I couldn't afford that all too high price of living another day.

I've been settling for far too long

Need to stick my hand into the boiling water and stir the pot.

Because my hand is the best utensil I got.

and 

Getting beat down like Rocky's dumbass in a match.

One two bop.

One two bop bop.

Three four badap.

And bitch I'm collapsing.

Hitting the ground so fucking hard

I've bounced a bit

My body reverberating cause it's a broken machine.

Rumbling and tumbling cause that shit can't keep going.

Hollis

Pull up the social media.

Spread the fucking word.

Even I know social media is absurd.

Spread the fucking word.

I see y'all typing.

Go ahead and get to writing.

We ain't hiding.

We ain't shying away.

I want to be all over your social media page.

Green

I'm one wrong word away from losing it all.

But if another motherfucker tells me to take a deep breath I'll risk it all.

Cock back a fist like every white radical cocks back a gun

Let that bitch go and don't let a motherfucker run.

and 

Guess I've been doing a Rocky.

Letting my head get beat in

Till I go brain dead

Can't tell you what my plan is

Struggling to speak over my incompetence

That's got the speaker on full blast

So strong the windows rattling

And after a while, I take to aggressive actions.

Taking my fucking body and slamming it against.

All those opposing things that discredit.  

Peace

I know my throat is bleeding

But shit!

I'm still going to scream.

A bitch needs a victory!

and 

We

Don't

Think

You

Deserve

The

Things

You're

Asking

For.

Shut up and listen.

Who told you to put your thoughts and feelings into this?

Absolutely disgusting.

You're not good enough to get the full cut!

You're not rich enough

Sorry, I meant valuable enough!

Crap did it again!

Not worthy enough!

Bleeep enough!

Elliot

Fill the silence.

Your voice is stronger than mine.

My voice is feeble

After years of idling

Idling is this weird abyss.

Scream out your feelings little man.

They can't always be forced within.

and 

But you've proven unworthy

Dumb, deaf, and you don't care to listen

I'm--

You're not even good enough to be an honorary mention.

Saz

You ever look into his unblinking eyes?

The purple dinosaur out to steal your kids.

Trying to give the affection their momma wouldn't give.

Run from the big purple dinosaur.

That man gonna steal your kids.

Won't resist giving these kids an unhealthy squeeze.

As he seizes the product of your unwanted accident.

Julie

So I opened my arms wide and screamed up to the sky

"I regret being here. I regret being alive."

Now I'm here.

Soulless, never truly knowing if the breath I'm breathing is mine.

But I kinda like the absence of mind

Cause now all the bad thoughts ain't even mine.

and 

I remember being unabashedly myself and being mocked by family members.

Mocked by strangers.

Mocked by students dragging themselves through the day with superficial grins and words that burned like a snake's venom.  

Mocked enough to take a step back and watch from the outside.

Cause getting mocked enough will twist the mind.

And I hate to admit it but it twisted mine

Ian

I'm tired of diving so deep into my thoughts.

The pressure of the water crushing my bones.

Sending my organs oozing out of orifices I've never even thought of.

I can imagine myself sinking.

Sinking so damn deep there ain't no more light.

And my corpse is a snack to the mysteries beneath.

I'm exhausted.

Damn I'm exhausted.

and 

But I joke about it now.

And like the seagulls that swarm the bay they all laugh with me.

Not acknowledging that they were the same ones laughing at me.

Mocking and excluding me.

Because I only fit one thing in their teen perspectives, far to shallow to conceal my body.

[sirfrogsworth]

I'm moving out of the city and I'm going to have to learn to drive. Any advice for someone (reluctantly) looking into cars for the first time?

Sorry for the late response, but I really wanted to answer this because I think I have some relevant advice.

I started driving the very day I was allowed to get my learner's permit. I took it very seriously. My dad was a mechanic, my brother literally built a car when he was 16. They were car guys and I was the goofy comedian they didn't really understand. So I wanted to be a really good driver to impress them.

I practiced every chance I got. I took driver's ed in school and got a 100% in the class. And I got a perfect score on my written driver's test and only got dinged for 1 thing on the main exam (it was bullshit, but apparently there is no way to protest a near perfect score).

But then I got sick and it didn't make sense to pay for car insurance and maintain a vehicle. So I didn't drive for roughly 15 years.

Then both my parents got sick and they became dangerous drivers and so I had to figure out how to drive again. And at first I was nervous, but after about a week of driving, I was nearly as good of a driver as when I was younger.

The reason?

Muscle memory.

Muscle memory will save your life over just about anything. The less you have to concentrate on the physical actions and habits required to drive, the more you can concentrate on situational awareness. If you don't have to think about turning the wheel, or braking, or even activating the turn signals, you can use all of that brain power to pay attention to all of the dumb fucks they let drive cars.

So my biggest piece of advice would be to break down all of the physical actions required to operate a vehicle. Even the tiny stuff like switching the station on the radio or turning down the fan on the A/C. Then find a way to practice these things over and over and over until you have that muscle memory embedded into your brain. My muscle memory was so deeply ingrained that it lasted through 15 years of not driving and a batch of mind-wiping electroshock treatments.

Find a safe place to practice and just repeat things until they feel like second nature. Especially checking your blind spots. If you can get checking blind spots to the point where you do it without even thinking about it, you will increase your safety substantially.

Other tips...

Small cheap cars are best first cars. Big cars can make you feel disconnected from the road. Almost like you are piloting the vehicle in a video game. I started on my grandma's 1987 Chevy Cavalier. It was tiny. It had no power. It was free. But I could feel everything I was doing. I could feel the turns. I could feel the road. I could feel braking and acceleration. And it really helped me understand the relationship between driver and vehicle. It was like a big go-kart but I think having that as my first car really helped me develop my driving skills.

And my last tip is to learn gradient braking and acceleration. It's mostly for the comfort of your passengers. It gives them a smoother experience but it also makes them feel safer driving with you. Basically you want to figure out how to apply pressure to the pedals in such a way that almost no G-force is felt. So you start with very light pressure and gradually transition into the max pressure you need. And you need to do it quick enough to stop and accelerate at the proper rate. If you don't transition fast enough you might not stop in time or be able to merge onto the highway. And if you transition too fast people will be lurching back and forth in their seat. But, again, practice makes perfect.

My brother is horrible at this, though mostly on purpose. He likes driving like everything is a race. And with his muscle cars, that can be fun at times. But when you are just going to the store it can make one a little nauseous. I find myself just grabbing the "oh shit" handles and never letting go.

But if you can smooth out your acceleration and braking to the point it is barely felt, all of your passengers will thank you for it.

Hopefully that helps. And maybe other folks can reply with additional advice. And if you have any more specific concerns feel free to ask. I wasn't sure if you were more worried about driving or picking out a car, so hopefully we can collectively cover both.

I wish you luck and hope you learn to love driving. It is pretty cool once you get the hang of it.

[ley-med]

Hi!!! I need some advice from you or other doctors/med students. I just have a few exams left till the end of med school but I just. Can’t. Study. Anymore. It’s making me want to throw up. I hate it so much. I open the book and I’m just like 😭😭😭. And the worst thing is that after I’m done with med school I will STILL have to study. Till I die. And I currently just don’t want to study ever again. I feel like it’s sucking all the life out of me. So if someone here ever felt like that, I would greatly appreciate some words of wisdom haha

Oh sweetheart, I feel you! And I assure you, most of us had been here, and still succeeded against all odds. I'm sure others will have some advice too :)

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how I passed my last exams, I was also suffering from a very heavy case of "I can't study"-ness (and apparently also undiagnosed ADHD, not helping my case). What worked for me (kinda), I took breaks pretty often. Might seem counterproductive, but it's better if you do something fun/relaxing/anything else for an hour and then study effectively for half an hour, than suffering through that one and a half hour without getting any studying done... Eat well, do sports, and sleep enough! And then, just take a deep breath, and suck it up, force yourself trough the material. Pure force of will. And my favourite motivational pinterest quote: "the quickest way out is trough". (You can't imagine how many times I repeated this sentence like a mantra in my head, instead of actually studying, naturally)

And it's important to remember, you are at the end of med school. You know way more than you believe. If your school is anything like mine, most of these exams will test you on stuff you've already learned once (or twice or thrice etc). You need to freshen it up, definitely, but you already have most of the knowledge you need to pass.

Believe me, I know the feeling that you think about the future and you want to throw up because of all the studying you will have to do after med school. Hell, I'm still in my "school? never again" phase. (I might have slight PTSD from med school... But yeah, we are talking about you and not me here. Anyway.) First off, you will most probably have some time off after finishing med school and before starting your first doctor job. Hide all the medical books from view! If you have a few months, by the end of it you might even be able to read more than a page of a non-science-related book you actually enjoy! But joking aside, time off after med school really works wonders. It's absolutely necessary for your sanity and survival, and it will help regain some of your motivation.

Second off, studying after med school is much more fun! If anyone told me this, I definitely wouldn't have believed them, but it's true. Now I have to study things I'm interested in, things I care about. I see it put to work in day to day life, hell, I use it in day to day life. Never thought I would say this, but studying now is (mostly) fun. I'm starting to remember that I used to like studying, that I'm curious about the world around me... So to summarize, it gets better. It's still studying, sometimes it's still an "I don't wanna" chore, but when the difference between studying or not can literally and actually make the difference between a patient's life or death, that terror makes for a pretty fucking great motivation. And when you studied something and then use it in your work the next week? Amazing feeling.

So hang in there. You got this far already, you can do this! It's going to hurt all the way, but you are going to be standing there on the other side victorious, so just puff out you chest and keep going until you get there.

Best of luck with your exams!

[suguru-getos]

Bby, do you have any hcs about a reader overwhelmed by their studies, with Alhaitham, Cyno and Ayato ? Long story short, I have three major assignments to hands for tomorrow I have barely started, I'm sick, I can't focus on any of my classe and I don't know how I'm supposed to suceed in life if I struggle this much with my studies. I just want to sleep and fuse with my bed at this point. ⚰

This takes me back to uni days (has only graduated a few months ago); I remember giving my final assessments and presentations along with written exams in May 2022; gosh it was beyond hectic. I hope you are taking rest love ❤️ remember to recharge and take enough breaks, you can only do so much and I know you are doing your best! If you are feeling too sick then leave em’ be. Take it easy on yourself, yeah?

Genshin men x overwhelmed reader (w/ studies)

Cyno would probably notice what is bothering you, with the first scrunch of your brows or the first annoyed ‘hmph’ that you’d let out. You have barely spent time with him and he understands that what you are doing must be incredibly urgent/important. Nevertheless, he cannot help but notice that you are not at your best today. He would sit beside you with your favorite snacks, probably crack a joke or two. “Hey sweetheart, why did a broom gets poor grades in school?” You sigh, squinting at him. “Cyno, not now,” he smiles and hugs you from behind, “because it was too busy sweeping, you get it? Sleeping? Sweeping?” Would probably resort to cuddling with you to help you ease your stress.

Ayato wanted to spend quality time okay? As much as his petty little pride would come in the way of directly saying these things, he had time off his schedule and wanted to lay you against his chest, hear you talk about your day while he runs hands through your hair. Unfortunately what he saw was a shitload of tabs opened on your Browser, Microsoft Word opened in the background and barely a few sentences written. Skims through the content and asks you about how he can help. Would give you suggestions about what to do, research for stuff after asking you the topics you need to work on and yeah! Waka sama is the best boyfriend okay? He personally told me that! 😤

Alhaitham 👁️ ALHAITHAM 👁️ He is knowledgeable Mr. Grand Scribe sama he knows everything he probably would do your assignments for you. Only if the submission is too urgent. He would then spend time teaching you and talking to you about the topics allotted. “Don’t force me to add a method of punishment sweetheart,” he raises a brow when you adamantly answer a few questions wrong on purpose, just to probe a reaction out of him. Would probably say things like you need to take care of yourself, you need to take care of what you eat, you need to start working out, you need to eat your greens, ALL OVER AN ASSIGNMENT LMFAO

[diavolosthots]

Felt like crying, so I came to you, my friend! Mc and Mammon went out shopping, specifically to buy gifts for his brothers, as an apology. When they get back home they are met with hostility. They berate Mammon until Mc screams at them to shut up, then rips into each of them for their treatment of Mammon. Then finishes with "Don't expect Mammon to stay here when he can live with me in the humanworld. I'm done with you. Mammon, lets go, you deserve better, love" and leaves w/ Mammon. Thank you!

You came to me because you felt like crying and that gives me two (2) things to think about. 1.) I'm apparently someone who people see as a tissue? 2.) My angst is just THAT good. Also! Apparently today is rain on Mammon day and I'm here for it not me avoiding my exam to write these things

Warning: uh.... Angst?

Soul-Searching (MAMMON X GN!READER ft. THE BROTHERS)

“You know, I’m proud of you for suggesting this.” Truly, you were. Mammon was your favorite and you felt for him, but you also completely understood where his brothers came from. At first, it honestly annoyed you as well; the constant stealing, the lying… You tried blaming it on his avatar, but even then it doesn’t explain the lying that comes with it. However, you do realize that it’s a habit and it’s a habit that is hard to fix, so instead of constantly getting onto him like the rest, you tried to understand him a bit more and give him some life advice. So far, you have managed to get Mammon to give back all the things he has recently taken from his brothers, and some of them even got an apology. You’ll be working on how to properly apologize, though, because oof, that was a mess. 

And now? Now you managed to take a small trip with him downtown to at least attempt to make things better. Mammon is now, or at least today, using his own money to buy some things that his brothers would be fond of: a new vinyl player for Lucifer (non-cursed), a new Ruri-chan t-shirt for Leviathan, a neck pillow for Satan because lord knows he has some cramps back there with the way he leans over and down to read his books. Then some perfume for Asmodeus that he had been swooning about, a gift card to Beel’s favorite restaurant for the glutton, and a heated blanket for Belphie. You were proud, truly, that Mammon wanted to do this. As a matter of fact, he was the one who suggested it. “Maybe… uh.. I could… ya know… buy somethin’ they like” is what he said. You were just excited and agreed to help. 

Now you were going back to the house with a few shopping bags and ice cream almost fully eaten. You paid for the ice cream, as a way to reward Mammon, and you’re sure he’s secretly thanking you for that because some of these items truly did burn a hole into his credit card, which is partially his fault. “Lucifer deserves more than some random vinyl player.” his words, not yours. Also “satan needs one of them neck pillows that massage it, too!” again, his words. So yeah, some money was definitely spent on these items, but… once again, you were proud. “I think they’ll love everything, Mam. They’d be fools if they didn’t.” Hearing you say that made Mammon feel a lot better, honestly, and a small rush of confidence came to the surface “Ya betcha they will! Nothin’ but the best from the Great Mammon!” You just laughed. 

However, upon arrival, it was a different sight. As a matter of fact, you barely made it through the door before Beel was grumbling something about Mammon eating his custard, which is true, but it’s just a custard? “MAAMMMOONNN!!” and then there was Lucifer who appeared so fast you wondered if he was even real. He went on a whole rant about how irresponsible Mammon is and how another bill came in the mail that talks about Mammon’s debt. Satan and Belphegor teamed up to show empty hands, which left both you and Mammon confused, but then “do you see anything here? No? That’s because you sold our belongings, Mammon!” Mammon can be lucky that Leviathan was still holed up in his room because he just remembered that he also, at some point in the past, sold one of Levi’s figures. Asmodeus came last and honestly he wasn’t mad, he was just annoyed. “I saw you go through my things, Mammon. Nothing was taken, but it was still so incredibly rude!” 

Next followed a screaming match which was basically just Mammon trying to defend himself, trying to show the bags and apologize, but none of them would have it. It irritated you. Yes, they had every right to be mad because personal belongings should stay with their owner(s), but at the same time, they didn’t even give Mammon a chance to explain, especially after he’s been holding the bags up and attempting to apologize. “You’re so stupid, Mammon” “StupidMammon” “so irresponsible. You know better than that. Do you need another time out session, Mammon?” “I can’t believe you’d go through my stuff again!” by now your eyes were twitching and the voices echoing off the walls surely didn’t help your case. One more word and you’d snap, surely, especially since Mammon’s hand is now shaking and you grabbing it did nothing at all. “We would be better off without you.”

Ah yes, there it is. The final straw. The amount of anger boiling inside you right now isn’t even manageable anymore and you’re surprised that Satan, as the Avatar of Wrath, has yet to notice it. “Shut up! Shut up, Shut up, Shut up! All of you!” You yanked Mammon behind you, almost protectively and Belphegor found the need to laugh at it. “Really? You’re going to protect him?” Oh, there. That’s your first victim. “Are you really that dense, Belphegor, or is sleep still clouding your brain cells? That is your brother you’re currently making fun of and I don’t know about you, but I was taught that family sticks together, blood related or by choice. So how about you get your head out of dreamland, take this stupid heated blanket that he bought for you, as an apology, and wake up for a second.” yes, you did throw the bag at him and then you pointed your finger at Beel. You’d regret later on that you’re tearing into him as well because Beel means well at the end of the day, but still, he was also part of this. 

“You’re my least worry, Beel. Honestly you’re too caught up in your burgers and brawns to care for a second that your brother tries very hard to be liked by all of you. Sad, really.” you threw the card at him too. As a matter of fact, you threw all of the bags right in front of them. “And then Asmo.. oh my God, first of all, the world doesn’t revolve around you. Shocker, I know. If you were half as empathetic toward your family as you are obsessed with yourself, maybe you wouldn’t feel the need to always go party and drink your life away. Oh, I’m sorry, did that hit just a little too hard? Can’t be harder than the hangovers you wake up with on a regular basis.” You glared at him before turning your attention to Satan. “Honestly, if you weren’t such a baby inside I may actually be scared of you. You always complain about how stupid he is, how he needs to just learn, but you? What do you do all day? You hole yourself up in your room and read about worlds that you wish you could enter. News flash: you’d die before you had the chance to say hello. People don’t like self-proclaimed assholes. Mammon IS smart. He’s very talented, too, but you’re too far up in Shakespeare’s ass that you fail to realize that everyone has knowledge in different fields of life. Give me a break.” 

Satan was about to retort but you already moved on to Levi. “and you! Let’s be honest, if it weren’t for you wallowing in self-pity and fake depression, you would have absolutely no personality traits. What are you again? The Avatar of Envy? How about instead of being envious of others’ accomplishments, you actually start working on yourself. It’s truly pathetic that a couple millenia old demon’s only purpose in life is ramen and self inflicted emotional pain. Seriously, what are you? A pitiful loner? I can’t even begin to empathize with you in any way, shape, or form.” Your blood was boiling right now and maybe if they hadn’t attacked Mammon like they did, you would’ve felt bad about Levi’s sad face right now, but there was still one person left to deal with.”

“And you… beautiful, responsible, way-too-good-for-you older brother, Lucifer.” He’s been glaring at you this whole time, arms crossed over his chest but you stood your ground. You’re not quite sure how you managed, but you did. “You call yourself the best, the most responsible. You constantly say this family would fall apart without you, but that’s not it, is it? I think you’re just lonely. You force these six to be by you, to respect you and borderline worship you. Not because you deserve it…” you chuckled, shaking your head, “no. You’re just so sad that Daddy and Michael left you, mocked you, that you turned your sadness into anger and took it out on these six, but especially Mammon. Why? Because you see yourself in him. You call him your favorite brother, but it’s not because he actually is… he just reminds you of everything you used to be: fun, reckless, and feeling. Now you’re just cold, mean, and bitter. Don’t bother calling yourself the mighty first because without him you would be neither. Maybe if you pulled that stick out of your arse and actually tried to get to know your brothers, maybe you wouldn’t be so lonely all the time. Family, right? That’s what you want. How about you start acting like one.” 

You shook your head after that, grabbing Mammon’s hand and kicking the bags in front of you before dragging Mammon back out the door. “Those are for you, by the way. Not that you deserve them, but they’re Mammon’s way of apologizing for all the things you accused him of the minute he set foot into the house. Have fun. We’re going to the castle and, if we’re lucky, to a real home.” 

[cryptiql]

cherry starbursts

pairing: bakugou/reader (male reader in mind but is gender neutral)

warnings: none, i think?? lots of cussing though, courtesy of lord explosion murder

words: 3.6k

a/n: yuzuya's audios giving me so much brainrot...gonna be thinking about this all week. also the way this started out as god tier writing but gradually turned into shit at the end 🏃 nonetheless, i hope i did this gremlin man justice </3

a contemplative hum tickles your throat as you observe the paragraph laid out before you, the pads of your fingers tingling as you trail them across the pages. on the occasions where you've found your nose nestled deep within them, a muted scent of pears and sawdust would invade your senses, and the urge to rest your head in the plains of your chemistry textbook would become overwhelming. however, the threat of being cuffed over the head by a rolled up magazine makes you think twice about slacking off, so you begrudgingly slump back into your seat with a resigned huff. the clock in your dorm is no doubt ticking away like always; the second hand rounding at great speeds while the minute and hour hands crawl by at a sluggish pace; but you aren't there to hear it.

instead, you reside in bakugou's room, basking in the unencumbered atmosphere created solely by his diligent efforts to keep his space clean and organized. it's just the way he is, you have to remind yourself. not because you stubbed your toe on his dumbbells last week and he felt sufficiently guilty as to make sure nothing was in your path the next time you visited. that would be silly. all that considered, bakugou's room isn't much different from your own—save for the few comfort objects brought from home that give off a hospitable air—but the lack of stimulus it holds is apparent. anything that could disturb your tranquil study date has either been stored away or placed beyond your reach.

damn him, the bastard! he's completely oblivious, you silently muse, bracing your elbows on the desk to plant your face in the palms of your hands. you chastise yourself at the same moment for forgetting your headphones, but in your defense, bakugou screaming for you to hurry up had prompted a hasty departure. if he had the patience to wait two more minutes. . .

rather than finishing the thought, you pull the textbook closer, hoping that somehow the enlarged print will stick to your brain like a temporary tattoo. you only need this information long enough to pass the exam, but once it's over, you swear you'll never mention anything chemistry related unless it's the bond between you and your neighbor. the idle scratching of pencil led against paper erupts from his side of the room, lessening the static in your head by a fraction, but it doesn't last. he mutters something unintelligible under his breath as you spin in your chair to look at him in desperation.

he remains ignorant for the next minute or so, only glancing up at you briefly before returning to his notes. your nostrils flare as you reach down to untangle your laces and pull off your shoe. you chickened out last time this happened, but being ignored has successfully fed the flames of your frustration, and you simply will not stand for it any longer. you blame your sleep-addled mentality for the lack of better aim, but it stokes your pride when bakugou flinches as your shoe hurdles past his shoulder.

"the hell was that for, dumbass!?" he growls, his eyes narrowing into slits. you respond with a high pitched whine; one that would be considered overexaggerated in his opinion, but in yours, was perfectly reasonable when being held against your will to study a subject that has no business being this tedious. "sukiii, i'm booored."

the blonde makes a 'tch' sound, positioning his arm in a warning manner before throwing his pencil at you, which you manage to catch easily. you revel in the deflated expression he wears, twirling the pencil between your fingers and kicking a leg over one arm of the chair. all this, while never breaking eye contact, was sure to break through to him. you're hopeful, what with the way katsuki's gaze—gradually failing to hide his infatuation—travels over your build from head to toe. whether because you giggle at his reaction or decide to kick your feet like a giddy child, he snaps out of his trance with an all too familiar scowl and shuts his own textbook with unnecessary force. his demanding stare is fixated on you as he tosses it haphazardly to the edge of the bed.

"give me back my pencil, idiot." he completely ignores your previous statement and jumps straight into business, as always. "give me back my shoe first, hot stuff." you challenge, smirking in a way that you very well know gets him hot under the collar. the teasing endearment will either put the odds in your favor; earning you your shoe as desired, and perhaps the lovely little blush that often dusts his face whenever you flirt with him; or seal your fate in hell where the everlasting flames may burn similarly, if not just as hotter than bakugou's explosions. it has taken years of practice to uphold your smug attitude in the face of his unyielding rage; nose wrinkled and canines grinding. even now, he is the image of perfection—a powerful god emblazoned in brimstone and baneful inferno—and you, a mere lover of art. after a moment, bakugou's resolve seems to falter. his piecing glare relents only slightly to give way for a pensive expression as he sighs, gently rubbing along the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. he throws you your shoe while standing from the bed, and as you slip it on, he shuffles over to his clothes drawer to pull out his own pair of sneakers. this prompts you to raise a brow inquisitively, but your silent question is left unanswered up until bakugou claps a hand on your shoulder and grumbles.

"c'mon, i'm fucking starving. there's a seven eleven nearby that's got spicy ramen."

and just like that, all thoughts pertaining to the test have been pulverized to dust by katsuki's unrelenting fists. the promise of food after hours of relentless mental abuse has you brushing off the sudden change of inclination in seconds, meanwhile the hothead to your right mulls over it during your trek through the empty hallways, stuffing his arms into the holes of his jacket. he had been able to overlook your constant fidgeting and intermittent noises of vexation, but too soon it became obvious that you weren't getting anywhere with the session. he would have simply offered to help if not for his own inability to concentrate, which had made itself known within the last half hour when he caught himself staring at you between taking notes. so what if he found your pouting cute? just maybe, he had started to fall in love with the way your brows furrowed at the instance of a misunderstood question; the absentminded tugging of your earlobe; the way your eyes looked without seeing, as if the smallest things held the greatest importance. sure, the tapping of your nails against a desk was a bit much, but he could always put a stop to your fretting by lacing your fingers together and kissing the back of your hand. just maybe, your bashful reactions made him want to hold you closer; to see you lounging across his lap—a throne befitting for a king—with your rose hued cheeks nestled in the crook of his neck.

not that you needed to know any of that. no fucking way would he endow another reason for you to tease him when the list was already so long.

curfew isn't for another hour, but bakugou would rather not waste time dawdling, so he uses this as reasoning for hooking your arm with his and practically hauling you out the exit. he mutters something about you being "too fucking slow" and "leaving you behind if you don't keep up", but the fact that he's dragging you along at all shows that he would have no problem resorting to desperate matters. the right amount of groveling and or compromising might mean a piggyback ride to the store, but regardless of how tempting the idea is, you decide not to further burden your friend with carrying you.

the towering shape of heights alliance becomes more and more like a speck of dust as your journey continues, the weight of your thoughts heavy on your already weary mind. you eye katsuki's side profile, noting the distinct lack of malice upon his handsome features, and smile softly to yourself. friend. it was the first word that occurred to you, albeit the least desirable and in no way comparable to the term that caused your heart to flutter within the confinements of your ribcage.

you aren't together. you don't know if you'll ever be, but when the the milieu; brimming with chaotic screams, booming laughter and disorderly merriment belonging to that of your closest friends; is whisked from the narrative, katsuki looks at you differently. whatever fragments of disdain and spite tend to crumble within the first few seconds and are replaced by an emotion that was unheard of ever having manifested in the depths of his vermillion hues. it holds a semblance to adoration, perhaps even respect, and for as long as you can recall, that is all you've wanted to see from him: to be regarded like no other.

sure, it's not like how you dreamed—he isn't very affectionate in public, though you doubt he would be even if you were together, and it always stings when he shrugs your affections off with a deriding comment—but that's just it. it's not a dream. after every scornful remark; after the day has passed and the dwindling moon takes its place in the evening sky, breaking through the curtains of his dorm; he'll kiss your hand, your blooming cheeks, your lips, all to atone for it. where no one else can see, he treats you like a divine being, and part of you wishes to think that it's because he's selfish. a bit of possessiveness has lead to many nights of a shared bed, ruffled sheets and smothering cuddles, but who are you to complain? everything he gives you is more real than any well-constructed reverie.

he may not be yours, and you may not be his, but no one else will suffice for either of you, and that is the unspoken truth.

the minimal bitterness in the autumn breeze makes for a refreshing atmosphere with the only discontent being the hunger that claws at your stomach. bakugou has never been merciful towards anyone, let alone the self-acclaimed nuisance who interrupts his studying with half-baked plans of adventure, but you're ever so grateful for the rare times where he is.

you know you won't have to wait long now that the smell of milk bread and takoyaki trickles into the air, much like the faint pitter patter of raindrops on the concrete. the shower is horribly ill-timed, but you hardly mind, especially when the droplets cling to bakugou's eyelashes like crystalline gemstones; glimmering faintly with every blink as they catch the suns rays. it settles below the horizon, only a sliver of golden yellow to be seen dancing in the tree boughs above, and the fuck if the way it illuminates your not-boyfriend's visage isn't absolutely breathtaking. the glimpse of honeyed skin and kissable lips—pulled into a pensive pout—draws you in deeper, and deeper, and oh god i've been caught—

"you got a staring problem, dumbass?" he grumbles, a roseal color dusting his ears that he swears is from the cold.

even his offensive nicknames are laced with an abnormal tenderness, and knowing that you're the only one with the privilege to hear it causes your chest to swell with delight. you nibble your bottom lip, hoping that it will somehow hide the fleet of giggles bubbling in your throat, but it does no such thing. "yeah, it's weird. whenever i see something beautiful, i just feel compelled to stare at it."

you don't need to look at him to know you've struck a nerve, but you do anyways, and his face grows redder under the intensity of your teasing leer. he sputters, curses falling from past his lips like a waterfall, and rips his arm from your grasp to cradle it as if you've burned him. any sane person would have backed down the second mini explosions began flaring up from his palms, however, you are perhaps the exact opposite, as to be expected when surrounding yourself with the infamous bakusquad, who (excluding bakugou) procured one braincell to share amongst themselves. years of having to put up with and, by extension, learn how to effectively handle bakugou's fits have proven to be time well spent.

you remain none the wiser to the concerned stares of others as he spouts a line of insults; incomprehensible from behind his curled fist pressed tightly to his mouth.

"you-you can't just say that kinda shit out loud, dumbass!" and although he may seem mad, he's already dragging you down the street. you test your luck by huddling closer and resting your chin on his shoulder, your steady pace never faltering.

"is the katsuki bakugou stumbling over his words from a little compliment?" it almost feels like you've won, but then the blonde proceeds to cover your face with his still damp hand. the little shit had timed it perfectly so that your open mouth would taste the saltiness of his sweat—quite the contrary to its sugary caramel aroma—and if you weren't so preoccupied by the resonance of his cackling laugh, you might have spent the rest of the trip gagging and complaining about the whole ordeal. he hardly seems bothered, wiping your saliva on his trousers and going forth with that customary lumbering strut, which always has you torn between fawning, chortling or questioning if he has fucking weights down his pants.

nonetheless, you can't help but murmur how cute he looks as you swing your free arm in tune with your steps.

by the time you've arrived at the shop, the sun has long since disappeared; welcoming hues of purple, navy blue and hints of orange to dapple the heavens, along with the foretelling of stars. you can't begin to describe how lucky you are to be living in a city with such beautiful scenery, even when the thin clouds of smog from factories often hinder your view of it. the fluorescent lights from the 'open' sign flash sporadically, casting a cobalt glow to dance across your dazed expression. katsuki watches with intent, chuckling at how easily distracted you can get as he tugs you inside by the cloth of your shirt.

the person behind the cash register spares a customary greeting before returning to their magazine, and bakugou makes a beeline for the intended isle, something akin to excitement radiating from him. he wears it much differently, and it resembles is go-to callous guise in almost every way, but you're able to detect the slight shift in demeanor as if its the easiest thing in the world. you hardly register that he's removed himself from you until the distance grows too large to ignore, and you shuffle over to the place beside him with a newfound adrenaline. the crisp air of the corner store heightens your senses as you tap your foot to the pop song playing overhead.

the only other sound is of katsuki examining the ramen and deciding what level of spice he should get, encouraging you to ponder what sort of hellish nightmare he has planned for the rest of the group. it was just last week when he dared kaminari to try some of the noodles, and the poor boy had spent ten minutes weeping in snot-nosed agony that you would have to be insane to put something that hot in your mouth. bakugou had laughed at his misery and carried on eating with vigor, mocking the others for their weak taste buds.

after a beat of silence, you decide to test your luck again by poking is shoulder, as well as batting your eyelashes at him and cocking your head to the side.

"can we get some candy?"

bakugou waves his hand dismissively, which is all the conformation you need before rounding the corner to peruse the variety of sweets on display. you immediately spot the marked parcels of sour gumdrops and assorted licorice and giggle to yourself as you pick them out, unaware of the gentle smile the blonde wears in regards to your child-like glee.

"yeah, just don't eat it all in one sitting. you go through that shit way too fast—it's unhealthy."

you won't bother commenting on his strict, motherly advisement, because you know it's in his best interest. he's grumbled about "stuffing your body with all that garbage" on numerous occasions, and while the hypocrisy might have annoyed you at one point ("and i assume gouging yourself on spicy ramen is completely different?") you realized rationing your candy would benefit both your health and your wallet. you nod, despite knowing he can't see, and idly feel for your back pocket, wondering just how much katsuki plans to stock up. money isn't exactly an issue, so you suppose it doesn't matter, but the amount of packets he normally brings back is downright criminal.

"don't be shy," he eventually says, "i'm buying. you're responsible enough not to buy out the whole store, right?"

your confusion overwhelms the urge to roll your eyes at his sarcasm, but there also lies a hint of elation that he would offer to buy.

"i figured i'd be paying as compensation for messing with you." you stand on the tips of your toes to poke your head over the isle, feeling very tempted to ruffle his hair whilst he gathers the packages of ramen into his basket.

"nah, you can pay me back in some other way." his eyes flick upwards to meet your devilish smirk, and he turns away with an affronted noise, blood rushing to his cheeks.

"oh? i can't wait to see what you have in mind~."

and there go the sparks. they last but a few moments before katsuki composes himself, presumably because he realizes making a scene won't help the situation, but he still throws a glare at you from a distance as he beckons you closer. it seems like he's gotten all he needs, so you hastily grab whatever sweets are left on your mental list and rush back to the counter. a comfortable silence sits between you both as your items are checked out, and in that time, you observe the significant difference between pre-late-night-shopping-run bakugou and food-deprived-study-date bakugou. his shoulders are more relaxed, as is his facial appearance, and you'll be damned if you ever forget the way he smiles when he catches you looking from his peripheral vision.

it's soft and unguarded and leaves you struggling for breath as he waits for the cashier to turn away, then promptly laces your fingers together. what? katsuki takes the bag and pulls you effortlessly; like a ragdoll; a mere toy at his disposal; out into the brisk evening. his thumb brushes the back of your hand, making you jump in surprise at the suddenness of it, and he titters freely. what? the streetlamps glint brightly, flickering at random intervals as you travel onward at a leisurely pace. the roads closest to U.A. aren't as packed as the ones deeper into the city, and thus you are the only two souls to be found, save for the few cars that speed by under the faint luminescence of nearing traffic lights. katsuki squeezes your palm, then slithers his hand out of your hold to replace it at your waist, methodically caressing the skin there in a way that has your knees buckling. you sputter witlessly, attempting to catch the thoughts that flee from your mind like birds to the wind. the blonde is nothing less than ecstatic to be the reason for your flustered state, and he takes full advantage of it by leaning in and hovering his mouth just inches from your own.

"i'll take my payment now." and oh lord, you think. he doesn't have to ask me twice. your lips collide with his, molding together like melted toffee; just as sweet and addictive. you've shared kisses before; ones that left you bruised and scrambling for a coverup the next day; ones that felt like fire but were tinged with honey that soothed your throat; fleeting ones that were never enough. you were sure that your need for affection would never truly be satiated unless it was from the boy you held most dear, and with the moon as your sole witness, katsuki was happy to oblige.

"starbursts. . ." he huffs after pulling away, massaging your hip to subdue your dissatisfied hum. "you taste like cherry starbursts."

he doesn't seem to mind by the way he leans in for another kiss, and another, and another, until you're a jittery mess in his arms. you press against his chest, a wistful sigh escaping you when you part once more.

"not that i'm complaining, but where's this coming from? you're usually not so touchy." the last bit of your utterance trails off as bakugou presses his lips to your forehead and keeps them there. moments pass, and when he finally pulls away, its to hide his blush by walking ahead of you. "i should be able to kiss my partner whenever i please, shouldn't i?" he doesn't even give you a chance to catch up, because his words have you rooted to the spot. what urges your feet to move is the haughty smirk he tosses over his shoulder, and even then, the race has only begun; your demands for him to stop echoing down the street as you chase him.

cheeky bastard.

[scripttorture]

Hello! I have a few questions related to your most recent post and the definition of torture. You said:

"A trained person who was never tortured will always out perform someone whose training involved torture."

According to everything else I have seen on your blog, this makes sense - the mental and physical trauma from being tortured have lasting effects which make certain tasks more difficult.

However, this seems to juxtapose certain tropes I've seen in US military training advertisements. For example, "Hell Week" in the Navy SEAL training seems like it would be torture if it was forced upon someone (like if the soldiers didn't sign up for it and didn't have the option to quit.). *Hell Week is when soldiers are training continuously for 5 days in freezing, wet conditions, with little more than 4 hours of sleep for the entire week, under insane amounts of physical and mental stress.

- If someone chose to be tested both mentally and physically, I feel like it wouldn't be torture. However, if the same exact conditions were forced upon someone else (testing their mental and physical limits without their consent or understanding), does your quote above mean that the person who did not have a choice would not reap the benefits of the training/testing? Or would the Navy SEALs be better soldiers if they didn't have to go through 'torturous conditions' during Hell Week, regardless of their choice to do so?

(I used Hell Week as an example, but I meant this question generally. I'm trying to figure out how to best train an elite soldier and avoid any harmful torture apologia tropes, while also making sure that they are able to handle insanely challenging situations)

- My other question has more to do with the definition of torture that you quoted from the UN in one of your master posts. If someone is being seriously injured (pulled fingernails, whipping, starvation etc), but not for the purposes of interrogation, punishment, or intimidation, is that still torture, or is that just abuse? And, regardless of what we call it, would the effects be the same as if it were torture for any of the three motives above?

Sorry if this is long and hard to understand, I can clarify if needed!

It’s not the longest I’ve gotten and it’s perfectly clear, duck*. :) Honestly this is a difficult topic with a lot of nuance, it’s better to take a longer and more thoughtful approach.

 From the stand point of the legal definition and what we study/understand as torture any consensual activity, however extreme, is not torture.

 But here’s where it gets interesting: consent and our attitude to an activity actually changes our response to pain. It may even change how much pain we feel.

 I’m going to take a slightly different example to yours. There are a lot of cultures globally that have practiced scarification, ritual cutting to deliberately form scars. And this can be done for a lot of reasons: membership of a family or clan, coming of age, traditional medicine, religion, you get the idea.

 A lot of people in these cultures describe their scars as incredibly important and the process of getting them as a moving, deep and positive process.

 This does not mean they wouldn’t be traumatised if they were attacked by someone with a knife.

 Being able to approach something painful and see it as positive really changes our perspective. It makes trauma and mental illness a lot less likely. And being able to back out, even if it’s just for a little while to take a breather, seems to make us able to withstand more pain then we would have otherwise.

 The simplest and most famous experiment that dealt with this relationship between our mindset and pain asked people to keep their hands in ice cold water. They timed how long people could do it when they were told to stay silent and how long they could do it when they were allowed to swear. If they swore they could hold their hands under for longer. An average of forty seconds longer.

 Looking back over O’Mara (Why Torture Doesn’t Work, a very good intro to how pain works and what it does to the brain) the way he describes it as by thinking of the experience of pain as a collection of three things. There’s the physical sensation itself, the nerves firing. But there’s also an affective component, how we feel emotionally about the experience and a cognitive component, how we think about it.

 Did you ever play that game as a kid where you stuff as many chilis as possible in your mouth to see who would spit them out first? I… might have done. And from what I remember it hurts an awful lot. But those memories to me are mostly about messing about with my friends, I remember trying to be stubborn about it and I remember us laughing at each other.

 This is a completely different experience to someone being held down and having chili stuff up their nose. But the difference isn’t necessarily in the physical damage done or the physical sensation of pain. It’s in the other components, the emotional response and the rationalisation.

 I also had a filling drilled in my tooth without painkillers as a kid. I don’t know how common this is in the West? It happened in Saudi. Honestly my biggest memory of it is the language barrier between myself and the dentist.

 These are anecdotes obviously but I’m trying to show that you probably also have experiences in your own life that back up the experiments too. The way we think about a painful experience really does make a huge amount of difference. And that means consent matters enormously.

 These soldiers are going into this experience knowing what to expect, how long it will last and that they can stop at any time. That makes a huge amount of difference. Those same factors have drastically increased the time volunteers will spend in solitary confinement for research. I’m pretty sure if I dug even a little I’d find pain studies with similar findings.

 Here’s the flip side: the physical factors are still in play.

 Sleep is an important physiological process that’s essential to normal functioning. Studies on consensual sleep deprivation have shown massive negative impacts on memory along with a host of other things that you can read about here.

 Let’s take a non torture example. A student who stays up all night cramming for an exam is not going to develop the symptoms of trauma that a torture survivors who was sleep deprived would. But the effect sleep deprivation has on memory is due to sleep playing an essential role in preserving memory (and learning more generally.) So they’re both likely to have difficulty remembering things in days just before and just after sleep deprivation. They’re also both more likely to have false memories and catch a bad cold.

 As a result of this memory impairment I question the educational value of anything involving sleep deprivation: you can’t learn while messing up the processes that let your brain remember things.

 There have been cases in the UK of people dying during training for the armed forces. Because while consent makes a huge difference, mindset makes a huge difference- our bodies still have limits. We can choose to push ourselves past those limits and, whatever our motivation or feelings, it can do real harm.

 Personally? I’m unsure of the benefit of these kinds of exercises. As in I’m unsure there is a benefit. Learning is going to be shot, chances of injury are going to be a lot higher- I don’t see anything that could be improved by these sorts of exercises.

 Anecdotally people do report feeling like a closer unit after going through these sorts of routines. That might be the benefit: moral and unit cohesion, possibly self-esteem too.

 If you’re making up something for your story I think it’d be helpful for me to mention a little statistical effect that gets used to justify punishment pretty regularly. Get some dice out if you’ve got them and roll one. Let’s say the number represents performance in some kind of test (because effort and learning matter but our performance also varies because of things we can’t control.) A roll of 1 gets punished, a roll of 6 gets praised.

 Now after you roll that first 1 statistically speaking the chances are your next roll will be better. And if you roll a 6 then statistically speaking the chances are your next roll will be worse. People observe this effect in real life and they often conclude that there’s no point in praising someone but that punishment leads to improvement. Really it’s just a statistical effect, after a particularly, noticeably bad day the chances are things will be better next and vice versa.

 This effect can make it difficult for people to recognise overall, long term progress. Which is the kind of progress you should be paying attention to when designing a training program.

 If you want good performance from people, whatever the metric, the most efficient thing to do is ensure that those people are; well fed, have access to clean water, get plenty of sleep, have breaks and have access to medical treatment when they need it.

 I’d say the main things to keep in mind when designing this fictional training regime are:

Being honest about the effects you describe, ie if they’re spending long periods without shelter are they at risk from exposure? If they’re standing in cold water are they going to get hypothermia?

Remember that even if something is damaging or causes lasting trauma it would not necessarily prevent someone from doing their job. Torture survivors have serious, lasting symptoms but many of them still work.

 I think I’m going to leave that there because I’m not an expert in militaries or training people. And keep in mind that I am a pacifist, read this with my biases in mind.

 Getting to the second question, there is a little more to the UN definition then that. The primary factor is still who the abuser is. For it to be torture (legally speaking) the abuser has to be (or be ordered by) an on-duty government employee, part of a group that controls territory (ie an occupying force). Some countries also count international organised criminal gangs in this definition.

 It’s also important to note that torture can be targetted at someone other then the victim. So if the police arrest the brother of a political opponent and beat him in order to intimidate the politician, that is still torture.

 Basically there are a lot of factors in the legal definition of torture and it’s that way by design. The hope is that you end up with a framework that captures as much government abuse as possible.

 But it also means that there’s a pretty high barrier when it comes to proving torture. Which means that things which are legally torture can be prosecuted as assault, bodily harm or equivalents to these, because it’s easier to get a conviction for those charges.

 Technically you are correct: if abuse done by a government official doesn’t have one of the four motivations in the legal definition (attempts to obtain information, forcing a confession, intimidation or punishment) then it doesn’t meet the definition.

 However in practice I’ve not heard of a case failing because of the motive.

 I’m not a lawyer and I’m not an expert in international law. I won’t say it’s never happened. But it’s much more common for cases to fail for other reasons. Off the top of my head I’d say the most common reason is difficulty proving the abuse took place.

 The most common types of torture today are ‘clean’, a term we use to indicate that they don’t leave obvious marks. If someone turns up with fingernails torn out or the skin of their back lacerated by a whip that is clear physical evidence of abuse. Nothing else causes similar injuries. But if someone turns up at a doctor’s with swollen feet or reddened skin, if they’ve lost a lot of weight or they’re so tired they’re struggling to stand… Well all of those things can be caused by common tortures. But they can also be caused by common illnesses.

 A lot of the deaths from torture today are similarly hard to prove. Beatings and stress positions ultimately cause death by kidney failure. Which can mean that prosecutors are asked to prove a victim didn’t have an underlying health condition. Or take drugs.

 Honestly my instinct is that the motive is the easiest thing to prove. It’s often harder to bring charges against people in positions of authority, regardless of the country we’re talking about. Bringing those charges, proving abuse took place and proving it was done by the person in question, those are usually the tricky parts.

 The difference between torture and abuse is scale. Torture is industrial scale abuse.

 The law doesn’t define that scale but that’s what we’re talking about when we talk about abuse from organised authority. Abusers might have dozens of victims. Torturers have thousands, tens of thousands.

 If you want to explore a different motivation in your story, something outside the legal framework, consider the scale at which this abuse is taking place. Consider how organised it is. If it’s organised and large scale, with multiple abusers, with no prior relationship between the abuser and victims then torture will probably be a better model then abuse. If it’s smaller scale with a more personal relationship and if it isn’t supported by a legal framework/organisation then abuse might be a better model.

 For victims and survivors the difference isn’t so much about the symptoms they personally experience as the… side effect of that scale. Abuse victims are often very isolated and may not know anyone who has had a similar experience. Torture implies a community of survivors and possibly generational trauma. There are also effects to do with access to support, access to medical care and how likely it is that someone will be believed.

 Torture survivors are often systematically disenfranchised in a way that abuse victims are not. Torture survivors are often forced to leave their home country. Anecdotally, based on what I’ve seen globally over the last few years, I think that struggling to get citizenship is increasingly an issue for torture survivors. And without citizenship there’s difficulty finding legal work, getting accommodation, accessing medical care, accessing the legal system etc.

 I do not know whether torture survivors are more or less likely to be believed by their community compared to survivors of abuse. I do not think any one has attempted a comparative study. I do know that the prevalence of clean torture means that many torture survivors are not believed and this puts up a further barrier, making it harder to access medical treatment and bring charges.

 Rejali’s book was published in 2009, so things may have changed a tad. At the time he was writing the average wait for a torture survivor to see a specialist doctor was about 10 years.

 Abuse is to torture what murder is to genocide. And there are difference on a wider social scale as a result.

 I mention all that because I feel it’s relevant but the impression I get is you’re mostly interested in the long term symptoms? In which case, yes the legal definition makes very little difference. The physical injuries caused by particular kinds of abuse don’t change depending on whether it’s a private individual or a police officer holding the Taser.

 The lasting psychological symptoms are not particular to torture; they’re what the human brain does when traumatised. The same symptoms can manifest in people who witness traumatic events but weren’t actually hurt themselves. They can manifest in people who were injured in accidents and they manifest in people who were neglected or abused. Hell, I have a couple of them, though no where near the severity a torture survivors would experience. A sufficient amount of stress is enough for these symptoms to start developing in anybody.

 You can find the general list of symptoms here. There’s also a post specifically about memory problems over here.

 The pattern I describe; that these symptoms are a list of possibilities not ‘every torture victim will get all of these’ holds true for trauma survivors generally. Anecdotally there is some variability with chronic pain being reported more often with some kinds of abuse. That might be because it can have physical causes, psychological causes or a mix of the two.

 Whether it’s torture or abuse there isn’t any way to predict a survivor’s symptoms in advance. Much of the advice I have about writing torture survivors and their symptoms holds true for trauma survivors generally. Which is why I’ll still take a crack at some questions that aren’t about torture.

 Pick the symptoms that you feel fit the character and serve the story. We can’t predict symptoms and that means that there’s no reason why you shouldn’t pick the things that appeal to you.

 And I think I’m going to leave it there. I hope that helps :)

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Disclaimer

*This is a weird English endearment. I had someone ask if this was me trying not to swear. 

[transmalewife]

like i get where "laziness does not exist" and "what you're doing is already your best" is coming from, it's a good way to make parents and teachers etc empathise with the people they think are just useless, but at some point i think it begins to feel... infantilizing, and can actually make it harder to explain real conditions like executive dysfunction or chronic fatigue to those who don't experience them.

because anyone with adhd has heard at least once that "everyone feels like that sometimes. everyone procrastinates and forgets deadlines, you need to just get your shit together, stop looking for excuses and not medicalize your problems." and I see people countering that with "actually no one is ever lazy, they're all just dealing with some other insurmountable stuff in their life" and that prompts the obvious answer of "well, I have been lazy before" which then requires you to explain someone's own life to them to argue against it, which is both impossible and a dick move

But the truth is. laziness does exist. I've got chronic fatigue, chronic pain, I've got adhd and i've had some pretty unpleasant external life stuff killing my motivation. I know what all of those feel like, and yet sometimes i'm still just lazy. sometimes i sit in a haze of executive dysfunction, starving because i can't force myself to make food. sometimes i lay in bed for hours staring at a wall because my limbs feel to tired and heavy to move and my brain is so foggy i couldn't understand a word if i tried to read or watch something. sometimes i try so hard to do some work but my heart is beating so fast from stress because of a crisis of my life i can barely breathe. sometimes i choose to harness my hyperfocus to clean instead of study bc i know otherwise i won't do anything

but although sometimes i just spend a day in bed because i need the rest, sometimes I do the same for absolutely no reason. sometimes stressing before an exam makes it impossible to study for it, and sometimes going to a party the day before does the same. sometimes i let my dishes rot in the sink because my back hurts too much to stand to wash them, sometimes it's because i just don't want to do them.

I don't really know what the conclusion to this is, other than like. things are never that simple. it's easy to counter "you're just lazy" with "actually, no one is ever lazy," but it's just not true. your experience is not universal, and if you're being honest with yourself, you can probably pinpoint a few moments where you were being lazy. and that's not a bad thing! it's a privilege to be lazy. It's a privilege to not have to dedicate every ounce of energy you get in a week to keeping your life from falling apart. it's lovely to be able to choose to do nothing, and sometimes you should! laying all day in bed because you desperately need the rest is not treating yourself. laying all day in bed occasionally because you can, is. and being able to tell which is happening at any given moment makes you more in tune with your body and helps you track your symptoms and changing needs for rest and leisure

and viewing every single part of your existence exclusively through a medical lens is honestly just a depressing way to live. the point of healing, getting medical help and learning healthier coping mechanisms is to break out of the chokehold your disabilities have on you and be able to make a choice of where you use your energy. if everything you’re doing isn’t already a week late and urgent, you get to choose when to rest and when to push yourself. when to do your best and when to consciously aim lower.

[ambivalent-anarchy]

You've Got Moves (Part 2)

Masterlist

Part 1

Gender: Female

Pairing: Peter Parker x reader

Warning: None

A/N: Better late than never, right?😂😂 (wow 2 fics in one week that's crazyyy) Also I put one of my favorite comedy tiktoks in the dialogue soooooo oops? Also Harry and Ned are wingmen who share one brain cell and I like it that way

I might make one more part to this but idk

---------------------------------------

It took 7 months for Peter to ask you out.

It took the time for MJ and Asher to become a couple, homecoming to go by, MJ and Asher to break up, winter formal, midterm exams, MJ and Asher to get back together, and Christmas to go before Peter Parker gathered the guts to even consider thinking about asking you out.

Scared wasn't even the word for it.

Harry Osborn, the new transfer student, laughed at how nervous Peter was at lunch. "Asking girls out is easy, Peter. I do it all the time!"

"You say it like it's the simplest thing on earth," Peter dreaded, to which Harry shrugged.

"Because it is! You just ask. How is it that I've only been at this school for 2 months and I've had more chicks than both you and Ned combined?"

"Hooking up is not a hobby of mine. That's why," Peter retorted with a pitifully unintimidating glare.

Harry shrugged with his shit-eating grin. "It's not my fault the girls and gays can't resist these lips."

Ned chimed in as he threw a french fry into his mouth. "Peter, this isn't like Liz last year. You and [Y/N] are already really close, dude. I'm sure you can just ask her. Who knows? She might say yes!"

"But what if she says no?," Peter groaned. "Then I'll just be one of those people she avoids and barely talks to out of awkwardness." He shifted in his seat nervously. "I don't want that."

"But if you don't say anything then you'll always regret it," Ned pointed out.

Harry sighed and rolled his eyes. "Peter, pull out your phone."

Peter raised his eyebrows in confusion, but followed Harry's instructions.

"Go to her in messages and say 'hey let's get dinner'." He smiled. "See? Simple."

Peter opened your messages in his phone and stared at your profile picture.

'You can do this, Peter. You can do this.'

He bit his lip. "Okay but should I say, 'let's get dinner' or 'do you want to get dinner'?" Seeing Harry's impatient face, he explained himself. "I just feel like those two sentences have completely different vibes, y'know?"

Harry glared at him. "Are you really about to have us telling you what to tell your crush like a bunch of girls?"

Peter didn't know how to answer that question seriously. "Uh...yes?"

Harry pondered the question for a small bit before simply shrugging and answering. "Hmm, go with 'let's get dinner', so you'll sound all confident and assertive."

"Okay."

Before Peter could press send without thinking twice, Ned stopped him. "Well, actually now you sound a little aggressive, man."

"Really?," Peter asked with a wince, immediately erasing the message.

"Yeah, I mean the last thing you wanna be like is the guy that's all like 'let's get dinner' like you're some kind of caveman."

Peter groaned. "Oh no, definitely not."

Ned ate another fry. "You want to ask her to dinner, not tell her to dinner."

"I'll go with 'do you want to get dinner' then," Peter said with a nod.

That one didn't sit well with Harry. "No Pete. Cuz now you sound like a pussy."

Peter slammed his phone onto the lunch table. "This stuff is tough!"

Ned turned towards Harry. "No but listen. The last thing Peter wants to do is come off as the overly masculine type that's all like 'let's get dinner cuz I'm the breadwinner, bitch', y'know?"

Harry shook his head. "Yeah but women also love assertiveness. You have to know what you want."

Peter stared at the table, desperately wanting the conversation to be over. Why would he even go to these two for relationship advice? Harry was the king of hookups and Ned's relationships never lasted longer than a few weeks. What was he thinking? For a guy with a 4.5 GPA, he sure did feel stupid.

"I got it!," Ned exclaimed. "Okay. Text her this. 'Dinner would be something that I would enjoy taking you on, but only if YOU were also interested in attending the meal'." He held his hands up for praise.

Harry nodded. "Mhm. Perfect balance. And the more words the better."

Peter just stared back at them, wondering where he'd gone wrong in life. "...no.... I'm not gonna send her that."

Harry shrugged. "Welp,' he sighed. "I guess some people just don't want to be helped."

So close to slamming his head into the table in front of him, Peter felt a tsunami of relief hit when he saw Asher walk into the cafeteria.

Asher was your best friend. If anyone knew the proper way you'd want to be asked out, it'd be him.

The second Asher noticed Peter looking at him, he made his way over. "Hey Peter. What's up?," he asked as he found an empty seat.

Harry spoke up before Peter had the chance. "Hey Ash. Pick one. 'Let's get dinner' or 'do you want to get dinner'."

Asher thought for a second. "Depends on the girl," he said before taking a bite into his apple. "-but 'do you want to get dinner' is nicer. Why?"

Harry slammed his fist on the table. "Damn it!"

"Yes!," Ned cheered.

Asher looked around the table. "Okay, by why?"

Harry and Ned went quiet and looked to Peter, who was staring anywhere to avoid eye contact. He began to mumble pitifully."I....I-i wanna.. I wanna-"

Harry and Ned spoke up, already tired of the conversation not getting anywhere. "He wants to ask-"

"-I wanna ask [Y/N] out!," he blurted, feeling his cheeks start to burn when Asher's smirk turned into a wide grin.

"Well it's about time!," he exclaimed. "She's been crazy about you since you met."

"Really? She has?," Peter asked. That wasn't even in the realm of possibility in his mind.

Asher nodded. "She's always going off to me about how-" he mocked your higher pitched voice. "I've been dropping him hints since, like, foreverrrr!"

"Seriously?! She has?"

Ned laughed. "Well Peter. She has been calling you cute since the day she met you..."

"But I just always thought it was the friendly kind of cute, y'know?," he rambled. "Not the boyfriend type cute!"

"How many girls are out here calling you cute for you to make that assumption, dude?," Harry asked.

Asher sighed. "So this is what it's like to have low confidence." He shook his head and gave Peter a disappointed look. "I can't say I like witnessing this, Pete."

"Just-" Peter groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. "Just tell me what will work, okay? I need to ask her out perfectly."

Asher tilted his head in confusion. "She's a simple girl. You just have to straight up ask her out. What's the confusion there?"

"That's what I said!," Harry yelled.

"You know he's got to make it difficult for himself for no reason," Ned pointed out.

"Okay can we all talk about how terrible I am at this after you help me?," Peter begged.

"...yeah."

"Sure."

"Ugh, fine."

Peter sighed. "Alright. So?"

"What are you going for?," Asher asked. "Like a gift or something?"

"I just want whatever's the absolute best way to ask her out."

Asher pinched the bridge of his nose. If he was gonna set you up with your crush, he wanted it to happen right.

"Okay," he said, staring Peter in the eyes with a new sort of intensity. "Think about your best moments with her. Now pick something special from all those moments and voila! You'll have it!"

Peter nodded and stared at the ground as he thought for a while about everything he'd done with you since the beginning of school. You were truly the most extraordinary, most confident girl he'd ever met.

Every time he'd thought you couldn't get more perfect, you'd just show him another side of you that was better than the rest. He always stayed endlessly impressed and most of all, he felt as if he didn't have to try too hard with you. He could be himself and mess up as many times as he could manage and you still stuck around, showing him that there needn't be any worries.

And your style? Fuck, you could make anything work for him. You were the only one who could get him out of his comfort zone and in front of a camera, for something as frivolous as a TikTok. But he'd always do it, and even find the fun in it, because it made you happy.

"Remember how we freaked out that first time when she called you cute, Pete?," Ned said. "She said that you were cute and that you only had to put it use!"

Harry laughed. "This girl is literally giving you the instructions, Peter. Take them."

"Hmm." Peter looked up with a smile and snapped his fingers. "I got it."

-

You tossed popcorn into your mouth and snuggled yourself further into the blanket. "Ash, how can you even say that? 'It' is a horror movie!"

"Yeah, technically," he retorted. "But there's literally not a single part of the movie that's scary. It's more of a drama than anything else."

"You realize the clown phobia rate skyrocketed when the movie came out right?"

Asher scoffed. "Uh, your point? It's not my fault some pussies couldn't sit through it. Still a drama. The story definitely played with your emotions more than your fears."

"Whateverrrr," you laughed. "I can't deal with you."

"Pennywise literally got up and did this," he said before breaking out into Pennywise's dance. He laughed as he kicked his legs out. "What kind of horror movie has this crap in it?" He stopped when he felt the full force of you throwing a pillow on his face. "Ugh!"

"Sit down and get under the covers, idiot," you hissed. "I wanna keep watching these HORROR films."

"Whateverrrr," he drawled out, mocking you. He sighed and plopped down next to you, grabbing a handful of popcorn after.

When school was getting suffocating, marathoning horror movies with Asher were a must. He had an endless repertoire and all the time in the world for his best friend.

Halfway through 'It: Chapter 2' though, the movie was the least of your focus and instead was TikTok.

What could you say? The app was addictive.

It was a big, entertaining, completely useless collage of everything every no-name had to offer, from stupid debates to cringey POV's to fun dance routines.

You tried to hook every friend you could on it. Asher, of course, already knew about it since it first came out and he, of course, had thousands of followers because most of what he posted was random thirsts traps whenever he was feeling hot, which was always. And thirsts traps are always in high demand for the people on TikTok.

You tried to hook MJ on it, but she'd already decided that she didn't like it before even giving it a chance. Even the messy, political side didn't reel her in.

Of course then there was Peter, who didn't know was TikTok even was before he met you. You made it your sole mission to get him hooked, but you'd since given up on that. It was a lost cause. The only time he probably ever saw TikTok nowadays was when he was doing dances with you before gym started. He let you put the app on his phone but he never used it. You wouldn't even put it past him to have deleted it, but it was whatever. TikTok had started his friendship with you, so needless to say, it'd done an amazing job in your life.

Plus your followers were always asking about him. All of the "omg couple goalssss" and "you guys look so cute together" served as massive confidence boosters. A girl can dream, right?

You shifted over a bit when you felt Ash getting closer and closer to you.

When he moved over again, you scooted away, only for him to get closer again. "Ash, what is your deal?"

"Easy there," he chuckled, backing up a little. "I'm looking at the phone, not you."

"You've been all up in my phone all day, what's up?"

"I can't tell you," he shrugged, a sly smirk stretching across his face. "But," he pointed to your tiny screen. "Some idiot is taking wayyyy too long to shoot his shot."

"Shoot his shot?" You gasped. "Who?"

"I'm not at liberty to say," he said with a smirk.

"Nooooo," you whined. "If someone has a crush on me you gotta spill! C'mon, please?"

He laughed and repeated himself. "I'm sorry, but I am not at liberty to say!"

"Bullshit! Who is it? C'mon! C'monnnnnn!"

He shrugged and this time you knew that he was dead set on not giving up the mystery guy.

"Ugh," you pouted. "Fine. Let's just finish the stupid movie."

-

"Kids next door, battle stations!!!!"

And now it was sometime after midnight. The popcorn was all gone. The movie was done and now you were watching old cartoons so that the horror movie wouldn't be the last thing on your mind before bed.

Looking over, you saw that Asher didn't need any cartoons like you did. He was already passed out, snoring as loud as ever.

Grumbling in boredom, you stared at the wall, trying to connect the tiny dots in the designs. It was like something was officially keeping you from being able to fall asleep.

*Ding!*

At the sound of your phone receiving a text, you sat up curiously. Who was texting you at this hour?

You smiled when you saw that it was Peter.

Pete: hey y/n

You were about to send him a quick,"why are you up this late" text, but he kept typing.

Pete: pls dont judge me too hard for this

With that completely vague warning, you furrowed your eyebrows, concerned.

Y/n: whats up r u okay

He sent you a link next, which confused you, but not as much as when you actually pressed it.

It led you to TikTok, and the video was waiting to be pressed to start. Peter was standing in the middle of the screen with one of his typical corny sweatshirts on. The caption at the top read: "For [Y/N] Only". Smiling already, you quickly pressed play.

You slapped your hand over your mouth. "Oh my God."

"So he finally got the guts, huh?," Asher mumbled, having woken up from the loud music on your phone but was still half-asleep.

"Oh I'm sorry, did I wake you?," you asked. You turned down your phone.

"Don't worry about me, you just got a boyfriend," he chuckled, moving to lay down so he could get to sleep again. "Text him back for god's sake."

~~~

Y/n: its been almost a whole year and youre still so cute when you make those

Pete: haha thanks

Pete: uh

Pete: i really like you y/n

Pete: do u think you'd wanna go out with me or get dinner sometime?

~~~

"He asked me out," you gasped. "Ash, he asked me out!"

Asher rolled over and groaned. "I thought that was already established? Jesus, you two couldn't possibly be moving any slower."

You rolled your eyes. "Fuck you."

"Nah, you're with Peter now," he laughed. "You're gonna have to fuck him instead!" That comment earned him another pillow to the face.

You looked back at the messages and sent a tiny cute one. You smirked at the new idea of what was about to happen and turned it off before going to sleep.

~~~

Y/n: kiss me at school tomorrow and find out

~~~

Didn't do a third edit cuz I got lazy but I'm pretty happy with the turnout anyway. Thanks for reading!

Tagging: @allegra-writes, @allegra-soleil, @yumings, @hey-its-grey, @spideyyeet, @sunkissedspidey, @tommyunderoos, @chaoticpete, @snarky--starky, @sovereignparker, @thesherlockianavenger, @bubblebucky, @kelieah, @eridanuswave, @ithoughtthiswastwitterbutfr, @kidney9-9, @gwenvrse

[drshojo]

The World, My Childhood And My Hero Academia: Vigilantes

Hello friends!  

Its Dr. Shojo coming at you with a post that will be divided into three parts!

Part One: The world as we know it! 

The world has changed a lot since we last connected. For starters, TOILET BOUND HANAKO KUN HAS NOT ONLY A PHYSICAL RELEASE BUT A GORGEOUS ANIME! And not only that, but MY NEXT LIFE AS A VILLAINESS: ALL ROUTES LEAD TO DOOM! IS GETTING AN ANIME AS WELL! The last time I wrote about Katerina there wasn’t even an official English translation of that long-ass light-novel-title. And now?

A WHOLE ANIME. A BISEXUAL HAREM AWAITS! I am JAZZED!

Do you think it’s my fault? No matter, I’ll take all the credit. All the manga I talk about are getting anime adaptations. I’LL DO MY DUTY AND TALK ABOUT SOME MORE!

But first. Let us address the Covid-19 shaped elephant in the room

I deeply regret that it took a whole-ass pandemic to get me back to writing. In my defense, I bought an iPad and started drawing like 900 kokichi oumas. I was really busy with that. And then I started reading fanfiction. Then that got me thinking about how fanfiction such an interesting look into how people interpret fandom, use it for wish fulfillment and escapism, and good god is everyone OK cause that bulimia fan fic was super detailed....and I am officially on a tangent. Off track. Ahem.

We are all staying inside a whole lot more which means y’all probably need some reading material and Dr. Shojo has your back! Go read “Horimiya”! It’s amazing! Ahhhh, my work here is done! I'm serious, if you’re here for a Shojo rec, that’s it! There's also like 8 million more Otome Isekais to check out now. It’s like they’re multiplying like rabbits..............

As a Doctor, I must advise you to stay inside and read some manga and practice social distancing. Embrace your inner hikikomori. 

Allright? All good? Okay now one final disclaimer:

This post is going to be talking about something a little different than usual and I want to start by giving you some context about who Dr. Shojo is in real life. 

Part Two: Dr. Shojo Exposed 

You see, when I was little I was obsessed with Japanese media. This doesn't surprise you at all I can tell. Probably because I walk around calling myself Dr. Shojo and shout about manga that you should read.

Anyways, the reason why I was obsessed wasn’t because of the big eyes or the spikey hair or the interesting new culture. It was because it tended to have more character development and overarching plotlines than the media I was used to in Canada. Dexter’s Lab, Magic School Bus, pretty much everything I saw on TV was episodic in nature, so imagine how much my mind was blown when I saw Naruto and Card Captor Sakura, heck, even Pokémon had the Indigo Plateau! Here were kids that were learning more and more each day and got to see enemies become friends and vice versa. They lived and grew older just like me. Except they were cooler than me. And had more interesting lives than me. I gotta tell you, I was so sad when I was 12 and Kero didn’t tell me I had latent magical powers. But there was magic in my life and it was the magic of a complex narrative story. And not only that, it had a sense of movement and had cool costumes. I was hooked immediately.

Also, fun fact, at that age I happened to be a complete and utter tomboy! I loved pretending to fight my friends in the playground and was really worried that puberty would ruin my life because being a girl sounded so CUMBERSOME.

Which leads me up to my confession. Before I became Dr. Shojo, I was in fact......Dr. Shonen.

Bleach? Naruto? One Piece? I've read every single chapter there is.  

Hundreds of hours of watching fight sequences. Another fun fact, I only got into shojo because my aunt bought me volume 7 and 8 of Fruits Basket thinking “all mangas like the same right? Kids love comics?” It’s a tribute to how episodic western media was back then that she thought buying volume SEVEN and EIGHT was a REASONABLE PLACE TO START READING.

Now you might also say, Hey! Dr Shojo! Cardcaptors was a shojo! And you are right! but back then the anime was marketed to boys over here in the west and they actualy like, edited out episodes that they thought wouldn't interest boys?! Second fun fact, Once when I was in Grade 3 I was told I was not allowed to join a club under the stairs cause I was a girl and it was BOYS ONLY. The point of the club? To talk about how great Cardcaptors was! I Kid you not!

So anyways, your pall Dr. Shojo loves Shonen manga to this day!

The only reason I made this Dr. Shojo blog specifically about shojo is because, being a tomboy with no female friends, reading shojo manga was the first time I really thought about what it meant to be a girl and fall in love. And y i k e s. Shojo manga, like most media, fails miserably most of the time in displaying real world relationships. Or at least, it  doesn't prepare you for how disappointing everything can be. When I had my first kiss, I was thinking about how it didn’t feel at all like how I felt reading Zen and Shirayukis kiss in Akagame No Shirayuki Hime. Those were formative years, and shojo was one of the only places I saw romance being talked about for younger audiences. I liked reading romances where no one had any sexual experiences and were figuring out what love meant to them. But let’s shelve this topic for now.

The point is that gender roles are dumb and if you have an open mind there's a world of stories out there for you. Take this time inside to read something you wouldn’t normally. Critically think about the ways that the worlds you see in stories and how you experience the world differ. What are the messages a story is trying to tell you? And why do you like the stories you do? Reflect on how the stories you tell yourself color your view of the world. Even mindless entertainment leaves an impression on us. Anyways.

Whilst you're doing that, I'm going to absolutely lose my hecking mind over the Shonen Jump series MY HERO ACADEMIA: Vigilantes!

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!

Part Three: I downloaded the one month free trial of the Shonen Jump app and made you read all that, so I can tell you that today Dr. Shojo is going to rant about a spin-off of a shonen manga

THAT’S RIGHT, OF COURSE I READ HERO ACA AND YES I DID PICK UP THE SPIN OFF SERIES. SHONEN JUMP LETS YOU READ ALL THE NEW CHAPTERS FOR FREE ON THEIR APP. KIDS, IF YOU LIKE SHONEN AND YOU’RE PIRATING ON A SCANLATION SITE STILL GET OUT BECAUSE YOU DON’T NEED TO SEE THOSE WEIRD PLASTIC SURGERY AND DENTISTRY ADDS ANY MORE.

SHONEN IS HERE AND ITS LEGAL AND ITS FREE FOR YOU. GET OFF MANGA FOX OR MANGA ROCK OR WHATEVER THE KIDS ARE USING THESE DAYS.

OK, so by this point in the article you have learned two very important things about me: 1) I love Shonen manga and 2) I read a lot of fanfiction.

Specifically, I read an absolutely biblical amount of My Hero Academia fan fiction and let me tell you, A solid chunk of it is vigilante/ Deadpool / criminal with a heart of gold themed.

So when I saw Hero Aca had a spin off, and it was about vigilantes, I was NOT SURPRISED IN THE SLIGHTEST. Ao3 sure is powerful.

Now, if you will permit me a tangent in a post full of tangents—HOLY CRAP, THERE ARE TOO MANY VIGILANTE AUS. I CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF EM. IT’S THE ISEKAI PROBLEM ALL OVER AGAIN. I GET AN EMAIL A FIC HAS UPDATED AND I’M LIKE IS THIS THE FIC WHERE DEKU HAS AN ABUSIVE MOM OR THE ONE WHERE HE HAS SPLIT PERSONALITY DISORDER OR THE ONE WHERE HE’S VIGILANTES WITH HITOSHI. OH WAIT, nvm, it’s the one where deku has a healing quirk.

OH WAIT WHICH OF THE 6 DEKU WITH HEALING QUIRK VIGILATE AU FICS IS THIS ONE?! ARGH WHY DIDN’T I WRITE A DESCRIPTION IN THE BOOKMARK FOR THIS!

My gripes aside, there's a reason why there's such an abundance of vigilante story telling—

Deadpool made like an absolute buttload of money and people love sass and memes.

People have a desire for a story in which they see themselves. Or, how they think of themselves.They like a story about someone who maybe came from nothing. Someone who has less money, maybe someone who is unlucky and had some bad breaks. Someone who never learned they had magic, never got their Hogwarts letter, never saw Kero, someone who never got that God-level quirk from All Might. And if your on Ao3 They want someone who also has seen a lot of memes and kind of wants taco bell and is also questioning their sexuality a bit?

Enter our new hero VIGILANTE DEKU.  

But the cannon can't do this, cause hey, Deku is the chosen one. Albeit, chosen by All Might, He’s got his own thing to do. But how can we still cash in on a vigilante story?

And thus enter our New-New hero KOICHI HAIMAWARI—code name Nice Guy and then later The Crawler. True to his relatable roots. He’s just a dude in an hoodie who can go about as fast as a bike.

First off, I love Koichi. He wants to be a hero and fight crime, but most of the time he has to run away because at the end of the day he's just a dude.

He’s cute but not wildly good-looking, A bit of a nerd but not like an extreme okaku. He’s got a part time job and hates violence.

And this is where Koichi really shines—in every day stuff. He helps out wherever he can. Often, that just means listening to people complain and maybe helping his friends out with whatever they’re going through. He’s the kind of guy who smiles, not because he's especially brave, but because he just takes things one at a time and doesn't sweat the past. I think it’s really telling that he missed getting into hero high-school because he skipped the entrance exam to help someone. He’s the kind of person who lets us experience the superpower of human decency and empathy. And you know what? That’s something the world need desperately.  

This theme of human decency is really the driving force of Vigilantes—it’s a manga about how the laws are there for a reason but sometimes they unfairly impact the poor and vulnerable. It's about how a lot of criminals are just people who fell into bad social circles or on bad times. People have the capacity for cruelty and violence but that’s never all they are.  

Now, speaking of crime, the entirety of Hero Aca falls into some murky water when it comes to its evil doers. Much of the fandom has a huuuuuge problem with how much the franchise is willing to sweep under the rug in the name of redeeming their baddies. RE: people getting mad about forgiving Endeavor’s child abuse, or Bakugo’s suicide baiting. Or Mineta’s blatant sexual harassment.

But this theme is in Vigilantes even more than it ever was in the main series. To start off with, there’s this guy who tries to rape Pop Step early on, and the later he later winds up befriending everybody. It becomes a running gag that each new villain winds up befriending the other villain guys and then they all open a cat café together.

Using jobs as a way to lift people out of lives of crime is great and all but in the story there is no nuance or consequences for past wrong and well.....it feels very weird.  It's like Vigilantes plays at having an opinion about moral ambiguity and the complexity of human existence and then just.......lets everyone get along because who has time to get into all that. Make of that what you will but it sits weird for me personally.

Anyway, let's move on and talk about POP STEP our main girl!

I love pop stars and I love vigilantes and a guerrilla performer is defiantly a character I could get behind. And I think they do a good job with Pop. She is actually kind of shy, but has this secret edgy persona she puts on when she performs. She is every girl on tumbler in the early 2000s. I also looooove that they make her not that great a singer. SHE’S GOT PASSION AND CHARISMA and maybe not born talent but like why should that stop you! Talent can be earned through practice and this is a great lesson to show people.

Unfortunately, Pop is also a great example of everything wrong with romance in Shonen.

It’s established early on that Pop loves Koichi because she is the girl he rescued all those years ago and yada yada yikes we’ve heard this one before. Many times before.

Sure, it's fine that they’ve met before, but gosh am I sick of damsels in distress. It's like she can't love him just because she respects what a great guy he is in her life and in the community at large, no no, she just needs to be rescued on top of that. And LOLOLOL isn't it funny he never noticed she was a girl because she was a child with short hair?! Once he realizes she has boobs now they will for sure fall in love! That’s how love works!

She's just with him all the time—nothing romantic ever happens she just gets a little tsundere.

I am never ever going to believe Koichi likes Pop because he spends like sooooo much time with her and they never have like, a moment. The first time he considers her is when Makoto is like, ‘hey I would love to get together with you, but have you thought about if you are crushing on Pop’. (Also this entire plot point is suspect—she's arbitrarily falling for Koichi cause he.......is the protagonist?)  

Say what you will about shojo, they give you the emotional conversations, the moments where you think.....ahhh I can see why she is falling for him. They give you context! Shonen likes to just say HERE’S A GIRL YOUR AGE. YOU CAN DATE LATER WHEN THE ADVENTURE IS DONE.

Just when they might get together, Pop suddenly turns evilllllll. The evilllll beeeees made her eeeevilllll (and more sexy).

*Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

Because why on earth would they get together if Koichi didn’t get to rescue Pop one more time?

I’m tired. These troupes are tired. I’m sure you are too. HOWEVER! If your still with me, Let’s move into why I'm really writing this post. Let’s get to the part that got me screaming to my friends, who by the way, don’t even care bout Hero Aca….but listened anyways. May you all find nakama like these my friends.

Anyways,

HOLY FUCK ERASERHEAD’S ENTIRE BACK STORY IS IN THIS AROUND CHAPTER 60 AND IT IS WONDERFUL AND ABSOLUTLY HEARTBREAKING AND IS ONE OF THE BEST CHARACTER BACKSTORIES I HAVE EVER SEEN AND IS THE REASON WHY THIS SERIES IS A MUST-READ FOR MAIN SERIES FANS.

AND BY ALMIGHT.  

WHY. IS. IT HERE.  

I present to you my late night text messages to my friends

ALSO, AIZAWAS TEACHER IS PRINCE?!?!?!

AHEM, so as you can see, I kinda lost my shit.

And now, I would like to formally defend my claim that DESPITE HOW AMAZING IT WAS, ERASERHEAD’S BACKSTORY HAD NO BUISSNESS BEING IN THE VIGILANTES SPIN-OFF MANGA.

Eraserhead, aka Aizawa Shouta, is a side character who is working with the police on some crime stuff. He is not a main cast member in this spin off. He’s a guest character that fans of the main series will be like OH COOL. GRUMPY CAT MAN LIKES CATS ON HIS OFF HOURS TOO. LOVE THAT FOR HIM.

So, my imagine my absolute surprise when Aizawa runs into Koichi and the following happens:

It starts to rain, so, like in any good manga, this means some great FORCED BONDING TIME

Except no. It doesn't because rather than start talking, Aizawa JUST STARTS REMEMBERING—ABSOLUTLY SILENTLY TO HIS OWN PRIVETE SELF—HIS ENTIRE TRAGIC BACKSTORY.

AND THIS GOES ON FOR CHAPTERS.

THIS GOES ON LONGER THEN ARC ONE IT FEELS LIKE.

I LOVE IT, BUT KOICHI IS ABOUT TO JOIN ATSUSHI NAKAJIMA IN THE DUBIOUS CATEGORY OF “PROTAGONISTS THE SERIES FORGOT ABOUT IN LIEU OF COOLER SIDE CHARACTERS”.

AND LO IT HAS NO BEARING ON THE REST OF THE PLOT, CHARACTERS, OR STORY

What the ever-loving-just WHY?

WHY?

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

SURE, IT’S A COOL TIE-IN.

YES, OF COURSE I LOVED IT. I SHIP ERASER MIC, I DREW THIS FOR HECK’S SAKE:

AND YET I AM ANGRY.

I AM ANGRY BECAUSE MY FRIDAY WAS RUINED BECAUSE VIGILATES SUCKER PUNCHED ME WITH AN AMAZING STORY THAT REALLY WASN’T PLOT RELEVANT AND PROBABLY SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN THERE.  

IS THIS WHY THEY TOOK LIKE NEXT-TO-NO CARE WITH POPS ARC?!?

I mean its ongoing, so it’s too early to say but—

In conclusion—

Excuse me one more,

AIZAWA WAS TAUGHT BY PRINCE!?!??!?!?!?!? PURPLE RAIN PRINCE!?!??!?!?!? WHAT!??!?!?!

It’s so ABSURD that I HAD TO WRITE SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I HAD TO WRITE PARAGRAPHS TO JUSTIFY YELLING ABOUT THIS ONE THING. WHAT THE ABSOLUTE—

Ahem,

Anyways, I hope you liked this weird rant/personal-story/random-diatribe in three parts.

If you’re reading this, thank you, stay safe, and I’ll be back with more shojo manga next time.  

Ciao!

Dr. Shojo

(aka Dr. Shonen)

[iammarylastar]

1. Alone amongst brothers.

"Cal! Hey mate where are you?" Snowballs clicked his fingers under his nose, startling him.

Bad idea. Never startle an ex cop ex Marine who hadn't slept for years.

Chris -his real name was Chris- came out of his reverie and offered a poor smile to his brothers. Obviously missing his goal to reassure his squad.

Who was he kidding?

He hadn't been here for years. For 3 years. 3 fucking years.

He hadn't been the same since he came out of prison. Since his brother, his real brother fled to Canada, to never return.

Since Oyster, his little brother killed that asshole in a bar.

Thinking about it, all this shit had started after their mother died.

Big, huge mess she had left behind.

He reluctantly came back to the world, that world without his mom nor his brother, that world where he's a useless piece of shit, forbidden to serve his country in any way.

Reverie couldn't have been more inappropriate. Living nightmare would have fit better.

"Next round on me." Jaeger announced with too much enthusiasm.

"Same?" He quirked an eyebrow at Cal, who just nodded, not bothering to say a word.

He didn't need another beer. Alcohol free. Taste free too. He'd been nursing the same bottle since he settled his ass in the bar, mind absently scratching the corner of the label with his nail.

He had been sentenced to 6 years and spent 3 at Pittsburgh Correctional Institution. He got a release, good behaviour. He'd been lucky, somehow, half of the prisoners were there because of him. Death had waited for him at every corner, but freedom hadn't tasted better.

A lot had happened in 3 years. Life had gone on whilst his had stopped behind the bars.

Snowball found his soulmate Carlo, Jaeger finally got Claire back, they married last year and were expecting their first child. Milk spawned two boys, fuck he'd been out for a long time.

Brotherhood meant leave no one behind. He had Oyster's back, he did what had to be done to save his brother from jail. Sentencing himself, ruining his own life.

He got nothing left. No wife, no family. Sure, his bros had always cared, hanging out, working out, having him in for all their kids birthdays, family barbecues, even last Christmas when Claire and Jaeger announced the good news.

They all exploded, hugging Claire and clapping Jaeger's shoulder, whooping and cheering like madmen.

He was genuinely happy for both of them and tried to ignore the stab in his guts.

For once he wanted and was in the mood to celebrate. Till his eyes landed on the blessed couple's wedding pic pinned on the wall, then spotted another showing his brothers in uniform, proudly posing with the groom.

Stab.

He wasn't there and it killed him.

Claire told him they got a seat settled in his honor and it hurt more deeply.

He had missed so many events, so many people.

Oyster.

He had spent most of his miserable life to raise his little brother -half brother but who cares?- kicked his ass every morning to have him secured at school, kicking his own ass to quit both grief and booze and pass his exams to assure them a future.

Look what future both fucked up.

If only he could have the slightest news of him, knowing his brother was fine and safe somewhere in Canada, a letter, a call, an emoji on whatever social media... but no. The cops were still looking for Oyster for Ben Daley's murder and as a cop -ex cop- he knew he and his mates have been under surveillance since day one.

Oyster had been MIA for 3 years with no chance of brightest days.

And he was left alone with nobody to care for and nobody to love.

His sentence had him kicked out from the police department, along with his staff sergeant status. No job. No rules to give rhythm to his days. No incomes but a few light works here and there in the neighborhood. The people he knew always put in a good word about him and hopefully people didn't ask for his criminal record before hiring him for fixing their roof, painting their fronts or uprooting a tree stump.

Yeah he had a lot to add to his resume: by-the-book cop, dauntless staff sergeant in the Marine corps, 2 rounds in Iraq, baby sitter and groundskeeper. Impressive.

"Man, look at this chick over there." Milk nudged him. "She's been eyeing you like she's willing to drop her panties for you."

Cal finally lifted his eyes and glanced at the girl in question. Thin, sexy, a blouse full of goodies, gaudy red lipstick, prying eyes.

Maybe he needed to get laid. He hadn't had sex since he came out of prison. His mates planned a party to celebrate his freedom and got him a working girl for the occasion but he wasn't in the mood.

He hadn't been interested in sex, not after what has happened in prison, not even a quick handjob while watching a porn. No. Scratch that. He's been forced into lame and painful wankings when his balls threatened to explode, but it was no fun at all. Far, far from it.

A slight nausea invaded his throat of the reminder and he forced the thought out.

Double sentence. If he hadn't suffered PTSD after what he did and witnessed in Iraq, then he got his trauma.

He might never use his cock again. Playground out of order. Broken.

"Nahhh... She looks cheap. Guys I don't need another blind date, you know. Your Tracy girl was crazy, she scared the shit out of me with her earlobe-licking... fetishism." Cal rubbed his earlob with a disgusting frown on his face, having all his skwad laughing out loud, wiggling all tongues out.

"Listen Cal. You need to get laid. You need a good fuck to come back to life. You're hot stuff still, you just need to pick up some gorgeous chick and have some fun! Before your dick just deceases from dehydration." Jaeger joked, hilarity ensued.

He looked around the crowded bar, tired. Tired to pretend he could be interested in that kind of date.

He didn't need a one night stand. He didn't need some cunt to fuck. He needed someone to love. And be loved in return.

Like the ol'time when he lived with his mom. Or with Oyster. He needed someone who cared.

"Thank you guys but I'm tired. I better go home and get some sleep. Need to wake up early and..."

His lame excuses got cut off by an angry Milk.

"Oh yeah, because you do have so much to do tomorrow, don't you? Cleaning up the house and walk Mrs Riley's pet? That's why you're leaving your brothers now? Cal, when are you going to get rid of this shit and be alive again? It's been 3 years already, move on for fuck sake!"

Cal didn't blink. He deserved to be scolded by his gang. He's been no fun, nothing more than a burden for them. A big piece of shit, whining about all he'd lost. Poor thing. Soon he'd lose them.

He was whining again. He's got the best friends he could dream of, people he could call his brothers, who were totally devoted to him, heart and soul.

His family. His home.

Those guys made it all easy for him while his time in prison. Paying him a visit each week, twice a week when they were off. They paid for his lawyer, his loan for the house so he wouldn't be homeless when he got out of prison. So he didn't have to break into his savings and get ruined in 6 months.

They did it in a heartbeat, without thinking nor asking for his permission. They told him it was the right thing to do. The same way Cal had them home, safe and sound after their tour in Iraq. Beside Jaeger's leg, abandoned there. How guilty he had felt, and still.

He owed them... everything.

He leant on his elbows and rubbed his face. He considered staying and trying to relax and have some fun, but his mood was definitely shitty.

Time to shake his thoughts and his big ass. He survived the war, survived in jail, he could survive this night.

"OK fuckers. But I don't want to bury my future here." He emptied his drink, slammed it loudly on the table.

"Let's get home and shake the walls!"

He grabbed his other beer and clinked glasses with his mates, and chugged it whilst his bros cheered and downed their own drinks.

"Last one at my mailbox is a loser!" Cal jumped on his feet and started running through the door.

"Ohhhh, you bastard!" Milk shouted, running after him, quickly followed by an enthusiast Snowball.

Jeager rolled his eyes and took out his wallet to pay the bill. He wouldn't win anyway, his fucking metal leg was no match for those big machines.

The three guys were messing around by the front door, playfully wrestling to pass first.

Cal jammed Milk's head in between his bulging biceps and disheveled his neat hairstyle, having him struggling even more for his freedom, grunting with rage. Snowball was stuck against the wall, the two heavy guys struggling were keeping him to head towards the door.

In a joint effort to get free, Snowball and Milk pushed Cal with all their strength until he popped out like a Champagne cork, sent flying against the wall. Just as the door opened on someone coming in.

Cal ended up glued to them, pinned on the wall, crushed against his broad chest.

"Whoah, whoah, whoah! What the hell?" A muffled voice came from underneath Cal's body.

"Holy shit, I'm sorry!" He apologized, peeling his body from a smaller and thinner one.

His hands flat against the wall, each side of a face. A beautiful face. Still blurry, he was too close to focus.

Never too close... he thought. Her smell itself made him stop.

"I'm sorry!" He uttered, forcing a step back. Finally able to focus on delicate features.

"I'm fine, I'm fine...uh, hey... I'm Jessica. " She said in a big grin as she rearranged the strands of hair away from her face.

"Nice to meet you..." She started, inviting him to introduce himself.

"Milk, nice to meet you gorgeous." The bastard spoke first, getting on Cal's business, more than happy to embarrass his mate.

"And this is Snowball" he continued, shamelessly stepping on Cal's toes and bluntly pushing him to the side.

"Ma'am!" Snowball bowed before an amused Jessica, glancing at the three boys with a smirk. "Please, accept our sincere apologies. I hope this giant idiot didn't hurt you when so roughly trying to get your attention."

Jessica let her eyes wander at the big stud's body and face, making sure it didn't turn into a stare. The man was built like a brick house, huge arms, solid chest, his short hair suggested he was a cop or a soldier, his handsome face obviously annoyed by his friends' demeanour. His gorgeous self nodding his head while pressing his so soft looking lips together. She felt her heart stop and her inside melt when they locked stares. His blue eyes were captivating and something slapped her in the face. Through his hilarious expression and attractive features, he looked so... sad and lonely. So much she wanted to pull him in in a hug and never let him go.

She forced her eyes back at the two dummies still making the show for her.

"And this!" Milk nudged his pal, "this is Chris Callahan, the man you need.

The thoughtfulness itself, well, when it's not nearly killing you, this guy is not only strong, courageous and handsome, thanks God he's also single."

Cal wanted nothing more than vanish from embarrassment after getting rid of that motherfucker of a so called best friend. On a definitive way.

But the more Milk was blurting his shit out, the more Jessica looked amused and kind of interested in him.

Eyeing him. The cutest smile on her lips. Which she bit when she finally was caught staring.

"This big sweet heart is to take darling, and you'd be a fool not to try your luck with him."

Milk got a little closer and lowered his voice "I heard he's got amazing skills, like... look at the size of his feet!"

The 2 guys barked a laugh, clunching at each other while Cam just chuckled and sighed, more uncomfortable than ever. Jessica shared the guys big laugh then winked at Cal, before glancing down to judge their size by herself.

Milk wiped the tears from his face, oh Lord he loved making fun of his mate so very much. Calming down his panting, he stepped back, still hooked to an exhilarated Snowball.

"If you want to excuse us mylady, we're up for a male race contest, where the loser will have to walk butt naked the entire week." He said, bowing out at Jessica, then stepping out of the bar with renewed loud laughs.

Cal just shifted uneasily on his spot, figuring out a way to stop looking like the dumbest guy on Earth.

"Sorry... That was... pretty awkward, wasn't it?" He shyly tried, mentally kicking in own ass to not have found something clever to say.

"Found it very funny actually, you guys made my day!" Her genuine smile cheered him up a little.

"Those guys are total weirdoes, please do not believe a single word of what they say." Cal flashed one of his best smile, pretty sure it would work for him.

"Seems your friends think very highly of you. The resume they made of you is quite appealing, you know." She made it sounds like a joke but couldn't help wondering about that nice guy, nice looking guy all in embarrassment in front of her.

And the size of his... feet.

"Yeah... Well, wait to meet them once they're not drunk and you might hear a different story." Cal shoved his hands deep in his pockets. Looking so cute.

"So... Cal, I'm looking forward to hang out with your smartass group of friends, and hear all kind of stories about you, I bet each more embarrassing than the last!" Jessica's fingers were playing with a strand of her hair against her will, flirting.

And it seemed this didn't get unnoticed, by the way Cal's stare lingered on her delicate features.

"I... I've got to go and look after those drunken asses before they get into more trouble. I won't stop hearing of it if I don't beat them tonight. It was so nice to meet you and again, apologies for so rudely bumping into you."

Chris scratched the back of his neck, torn between two options. Stay and risk to embarrass himself more and more, or leave and risk to never see her again.

"It's OK, Chris I'm fine. We would find a way to make it up for nearly knocking me down earlier. Go get them, we could meet another time. I'm new in town but I'm here for some time, let's catch up later!"

Chris chuckled, mumbled a cocky "sure!" through an enormous grin, dared to throw a wink at her before turning heels and walked out of the bar.

"I hope you lose!" She shouted at him as he reluctantly started to jog towards his mates.

"Thank you...?" Chris turned to face her again, walking backward, wearing an astonished expression. That was not the kind of support he expected.

"I may not know much about you, but I figured seeing you walk up the streets butt naked could be fun!"

Chris couldn't help the large grin taped on his face to turn into a big smile, that charismatic pant-dropping smile that had been MIA for years was finally back.

As he jogged back to his drunken brothers, in absolute no hurry, a light in heart, he felt like that stupid smile wouldn't leave his face for quite a while.

[lancetuckershairgel]

Summary: Chris and Lucy are reunited.

Words: 1,977

Warnings: Stealing, language, emotions, slight mention of former drug use

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Tag List: @book-dragon-13 @jobean12-blog @marvelgirl7 @southernbell91 @buckysforeverprincess @anxiousamandapanda @buckysteveloki-me @jamesbarnesappreciationsociety

AN: Cant do a read more. Also it was brought to my attention that several people didnt get notifications for Chaoter Four that was posted early last week so if you get the notification on this one let me know.

Chris climbed into his truck with a groan, his back stiff and head mildly aching. He rested his head back against the headrest of his seat and closed his eyes, no longer having to rush anywhere. The day had been long and he thanked God that it was Friday. Chris had taught three safety courses to the different fifth grade classes and had two meetings with disgruntled parents about a bullying situation and then he went straight to the college after work. School greeted him with an essay presentation, which he hated, and two exams that he really should have prepared better for. 

Chris rubbed his weary eyes and ran his hand over his beard before finally sitting straight and turning on the ignition. The red Ford came to life with a grumble and he pulled out of the parking lot and onto the highway. Normally he would have gone straight home after class, especially with how tired he was, but not only was it a Friday night it was also a three day weekend and he was looking forward to an extended weekend and day off.  

"You can't take care of others if you others take care of yourself." Chris' psychology professor would say at the end of every lecture.

"You need a break Chris, you always put too much on yourself." Erin often told him during one of their phone conversations or occasional meet ups at the bar. 

"Yolo." 

Chris never quite understood that one but the teens at the middle school seemed to use it as a personal mantra. After driving for a few miles he took a right and pulled into a gas station lot and parked. Reed's Gas Mart had been around for a long time. One of the oldest businesses in town, owned by a simple old man, had been around since 1958. The place had quite the reputation built around it. From the late fifties to the early eighties it was a place all the kids came to for an after school milkshake and a handful of candy and to listen to Jerry tale his stories. Unfortunately times changed and things became less simple. Teenagers still frequented the store but not for the shakes.  Early in Chris' career as a police officer he'd made a few drug busts in the parking lot but well before that he himself had done a few things he wasn't proud of out back behind the dumpsters. Old man Jerry had caught Chris and a few buddies of his with a crack pipe once and chased them off with a broom, giving Chris a few good whacks across the back of the head all the while hollering about telling his mother. All had been forgiven though and Jerry was a good man, hard worker, and he wasn't going to let a few punk kids ruin his business. Chris gave a slight smile at the memories and entered the store, the ding of the bell overhead indicating that he had arrived. 

"Hey Jerry." Chris greeted the hunched over, white haired man 

"Hey Chris." 

Jerry's reply was short and he didn't look up at the off duty officer. His eyes were focused across the room, narrowed toward the candy aisle. 

"I got one. Just stuffed a chocolate bar in the back of 'er pants."

Chris rolled his eyes. Jerry used to love having kids come into his store, he'd even given Chris and his siblings free ice cream cones on the really hot summer cones when they were younger, but over time as Jerry aged and more and more people used his store as their personal sinning grounds the less excited the man became to see a youngster enter his store. He was always suspicious of anyone under the age of twenty five, convinced they were all up to no good. 

"I'll keep an eye out." Chris chuckled lightly as he walked over to a rack of snacks. 

Chris grabbed a bag of beef jerky and peered across the shelves at the suspected thief. To his dismay he indeed witnessed a crime. What was even more disheart was the fact that he recognized the beg being used to stuff merchandise inside. Blue, faded, torn. Rainbow pin and sharpie "artwork". Even with her hood pulled tight over her head, a classic move to avoid facial recognition on the security tapes, Chris knew that it was Lucy. He watched for a few seconds as she grabbed another item and quickly shoved it into her bag. 

"Come on kid, what are you doing?" Chris thought to himself

Lucy made her way to the back of the store, near the personal care items and Chris ducked down and watched through the large circular mirror on the wall as she stuffed another box into her backpack. He sighed and made his way to the counter. 

"You're right." Chris ssigh to Jerry with a sigh

"Goddamn kids." Jerry muttered under his breath

"Let me handle it, alright?" 

"Fine but I want her out of here and if I catch her anywhere near my store I'll give her the whooping she deserves, you hear me Christopher?" Jerry wagged his crooked finger in Chris' face

"You'll do no such thing old man." Chris rolled his eyes "Put that thing away and go back to  watching the game. I'll take care of this."

Lucy's head was down low as she quickly grabbed the items she had came for. Headphones were plugged into her ears and heavy metal played loudly to calm her nerves. her heart pounded in her chest as she rounded the corner to make her exit and she froze in her tracks. 

"Shit." She muttered when she saw Chris standing at the counter staring at her with disappointment, his arms crossed over his chest. 

"Hey Luce." Chris finally said after a prolonged stare down 

Chris could easily read body language thanks to his training in the academy. He knew how to spot suspicious behavior or signs of an abuse victim and he learned to read people by how their left eye twitched or how they shifted from foot to foot. Lucy may have looked defiant, shoulders back and head high, eyes glaring death rays in a dare to interfere with her mission but Chris could see behind that. Her fingers tightened around the strap of her bookbag until her knuckles were white. Her bottom lip quivered slightly. Her pupils were wide and pleading. Lucy was scared. 

"Whatcha got there?" Chris took a step forward and relaxed his arms as he gestured toward her bag

"None of your business." Lucy snarled as she stared down Chris

"Come on, hand it over." Chris sighed. He Judy wanted to go home, get a nice buzz off a few beers, watch Game of Thrones, and go to bed. 

Lucy mentally walked herself through her options. Would she be able to get out the back door before Chris caught her? What if he called backup and her name ended up on a wanted list and cops showed up at the school? 

"I'm fucked." Lucy said to herself and decided to comply. Maybe Chris would go easy on her. 

Slowly she handed over the incriminating bag and Chris took it. He eyed Lucy disapprovingly  as he looked inside and her face blushed furiously with humiliation and anger as piece after piece of the stolen merchandise was pulled out and placed on the counter. A box of tampons, a box of bandaids, a few cans of soup, a roll of half used toilet paper, and a bottle of equally used hand soap lined the counter. Chris furrowed his brow as studied the items. 

"And the candy bar Missy." Jerry gruffed out with a glare

Chris glanced at Lucy and she hesitated. The chocolate was the one thing she was really hoping to get out with. Chris held out his hand impatiently and Lucy reached behind her back and pulled the Hershey bar out of her pocket. She slammed it into Chris' palm with such force that the pieces broke apart. With a sigh Chris put it on the counter with the other items. 

"What do you have to say for yourself girl? Stealing from a hardworking old man, none of you have any respect for your elders anymore! Need a good ass whoopin is what you need. Even stole from the bathroom." Jerry ranted and Lucy visibly cringed

"That's enough, Mr Reed." Chris interrupted 

"I want her dealt with Christopher. Arrest her."

Lucy tensed and Chris held up his hand 

"Just wait a minute Jerry. Look at what she's got here. This looks like necessary stuff, doesn't it? Luce? Is everything okay at home?"

"That's not your business." Lucy held back the tears, letting anger overcome the sadness 

"Is your dad not buying things you need?" 

"Stay out of it!" Lucy hissed through her teeth, shaking

"I can't help if you don't talk to me, kiddo." Chris tried "Lucy I ca-"

"You're not in charge anymore. You don't work for my school because you left." Lucy spit the word out like it left a bad taste in her mouth and she stepped closer to Chris "You're not even on duty, you can't do shit. What are you even wearing?" 

Chris looked down at his red plaid button up shirt and frowned. 

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing" Chris asked, slightly offended 

 The realization that Lucy had never seen him without of his uniform came too late. Lucy had snatched the Hershey bar and bolted, the door slamming shut behind her. 

"Lucy!" Chris shouted but there was no use. The girl was gone. Chris groaned and buried his face in his hands as he leaned against the counter. 

"She left the property. I'm calling the police." Jerry stated as he picked up the landline phone

"For christ sake old man it's a candy bar. Puts you back what? A buck twenty five?" Chris took the phone and put it back on the receiver and slammed a couple dollars on the counter "In fact…"

He walked back to the cooler to grab his sought after beer then grabbed a proper back of bathroom tissue and a bottle of soap. 

"How much for all of it?"

Jerry shook his head but began to ring up the groceries. 

"You keep coddling these kids, Christopher, and none of them will learn their lesson. It'll be $48.62. "

"No wonder people steal from you." Chris jokes as he ran his credit card through the machine. He knew Jerry couldn't control the inflation and prices of goods these days. The old man swatted at him but did crack a toothless grin. 

Chris bid farewell to Jerry and took the bags out to his truck. He placed them in the front seat and drove off, keeping an eye out for Lucy the whole way home. He had no idea where she lived and with it being a holiday weekend it'd be Tuesday before he could get Erin to get her address out of the file. 

"Hang in there kid." Chris muttered as he parked the truck in his driveway. 

Lucy ran until her lungs burned. Tears streamed down her face and she collapsed to her knees, sobbing. She shouldn't have to steal to provide for her family. She cursed herself for not telling Chris what was going on but she couldn't. He wouldn't help her, he'd just call the social services and they'd ruin everything. She caught her breath and wiped her eyes angrily before standing up and brushing the dirt off her jeans, cursing herself again for getting them dirty knowing it'd be a few days before she could wash them. She clutched the broken candy bar and made her way back home not ready to face the fact that she was going to turn up empty handed. 

[bakugaykatsukii]

I Talk About Bakugou Because I'm Bored

Bakugou. He's best boy. My son.

No, actually, I'mma explain in as few words as possible why I absolutely adore his character.

Oops this got long.

Okay, so it's the first chapter/episode (I'll go off the anime because it's practically identical and more widespread) and it opens with Deku narrating. This is to establish an immediate connection between the audience and the main protagonist; it conveys how important Deku is. Plenty of shows do this so it's not really a big deal, just common practise. HOWEVER, the second character we hear speak is Bakugou, who is insulting Deku.

This is framed in a way that's supposed to make us dislike him, and continues all throughout the first episode. He's presented as a four year old trying to beat up our main character, and then his next scene is being ten years older and Still Trying To Beat Up Our Main Character. This makes him seem rotten to the core, as his character hasn't changed whatsoever in that time, and as an audience we know very little information about him.

On top of that, within this first episode he is deliberately made to have no redeeming qualities, nothing that could make him sympathetic in any way. The Sludge Villain fiasco isn't until ep2, and in this one he literally tells Deku to kill himself, reaching peak middle school bully. He destroys something the Main Protagonist clearly treasures and is privelaged in every conceivable way, even his (later obviously intense) desire to be a hero is simplified to monetary gain, with "I'll be even richer than All Might himself!!!" (or something to that effect). Later on I'd explain such a line to be a result of young Baku trying to quantify his future success, something he never mentions again after the Sludge Villain.

In these first twenty minutes of the anime, he's been absolutely dragged through the mud. Not only is he this arrogant, selfish, mean bully, he's also the sort of bully we can all relate to having, making him even more dislikable! It's so easy for an audience to write him off as irredeemable almost immediately.

But then comes ep2. Seasoned anime watchers likely brush over some small details, but the fact that the Sludge Villain attack happens when Bakugou is 14? Wow. At this point no one likes him, and to many people seeing this happen could come across as a sort of karmic punishment, deserving and therefore less sympathetic. And so Horikoshi succeeds in continuing to make him dislikable but also adding depth to this character who so clearly believed he was invincible.

However, any such depth is pretty much ignored by the audience. I've watched many reactions, and, at this point, due to Bakugou's sub par personality, most people don't care about what happened upon first viewing. To be fair, it's treated as background until Deku steps in and proves himself a hero, at which point he's promised a quirk and That's all anyone can think about.

(also there's some symbolism in this ep because Bakugou and Deku were both attacked by the Sludge Villain and saved by All Might, showing they are actually equals in character and have a lot in common.)

Anyway, so for the first few episodes no one gives two shits about Bakugou because he's meant to be dislikable. He's set up to be as bad as possible without needing to be arrested/never being redeemable. Yet, he's also not clearly set up to be redeemed whatsoever. Let me explain:

Quick break from bnha to head over to atla, Zuko is the perfect redemption arc. And some of that can be attributed to his presentation in the first few episodes: where he's portrayed as antagonistic but still honourable, and has a tragic past. He's the sort of character you know isn't actually bad at heart. But Bakugou hasn't got any tragic back story to speak of, and certainly isn't honourable, so we don't expect a redemption.

That's so interesting to me, because it basically means his character could go in any direction but most shounen fans expect him to be the typical rival. He's mean now and will be mean later, nbd. Will probably betray Deku in order to gain more power. That sort of stuff.

But, as the first season progresses, we're shown that Bakugou (on top of all of his anger issues and cruelty) is also so incredibly determined, to the point where it's harmful. A lot of people, even in season three, expect him to accept the LoV's offer, but as early as ep7 he's shown to be dedicated to being the best on his own. He utterly fails at pretending to be a villain, and doesn't manage to work with his "villain" teammate. When the USJ attack rolls around, he fights alongside Deku.

I feel like I've just word babbled for a while so here's a picture:

Isn't that adorable? Anyway, I continue.

Okay, recap: Bakugou is presented initially as bad and in no way sympathetic, but throughout season one some of his good qualities do get highlighted.

The Sports Festival is probably when I was most on edge about who my favourite character was. Todoroki vs Deku vs Bakugou was a whole internal debate. We all know who eventually won though. Point is, this is the first time Bakugou is supposed to seem likeable.

Like, yes, he helped out at the USJ, but he was still reckless and angry about it. In this arc his flaws stop seeming so antagonistic (even though he's now more at odds with 1-A than he's ever been) and are framed humorously; if you think about it, the only times you're not rooting for Bakugou in this whole arc is when you're laughing at his antics. He stops seeming like a massive unforgivable bully and becomes a secondary threat behind Todoroki, even though he ultimately wins the Festival.

One of the first things he does in the season is tell people messing with their class go away, albeit bluntly, and is then complimented for it by Kirishima, who is the nicest guy in the class! No longer are we supposed to necessarily dislike him, as he's being developed after all of season 1. Him saying "I'm gonna win" as his speach is expected by the audience and laughed at- absolutely nobody watching was scared he'd hurt Deku in some terrible way due to it.

The cavalry battle demonstrates that he can work in a team after some adjustment time, and he gets his own antagonist (Monoma) who we all root against! This makes us closer to his character, as in a way we have a common enemy.

Then obviously the single battles are super interesting, his one against Uraraka especially turning people to his side. Since Aizawa, who as an audience we trust after his actions at the USJ, backs up Bakugou's actions, we accept them as the right thing to have done. Especially since Bakugou later calls Uraraka "not fragile", demonstrating that he can respect people and actually isn't as discriminatory as his earlier actions against Deku might lead one to believe. Everything about this fight is pure gold.

The rest of his fights are also very interesting, so let me go off on a little tangent. He's the only person to 1) be uninjured by the end of the festival (he did win tho so...) and 2) he's the only person to win all of his fights by forcing his opponent into submission. He knocks out Uraraka and Kirishima, goes to knock out Tokoyami but has him give up instead and then knocks out Todoroki! His fights are so much more violent than the others, who are primarily trying to win by pushing their opponent out of the ring or by immobilising them, which could make him come across as more aggressive (which he is). But it actually works for his character considering the way he demonstrates respect is by giving his all, therefore in order to show he cares about these fights he has to go for absolutely decimating the person against him.

Also, interesting side note to all that, out of our main three festival contenders, Bakugou is the only one who actually needs to use the festival for its intended purpose: impressing scouts. Todoroki, as the son of Endeavour, is already known throughout the hero community as a promising young talent, and could even get the No2 hero to coach him if he so wished. Deku even says himself that he doesn't necessarily need to get scouted when All Might is already teaching him. Out of the three Bakugou has the most incentive to actually show off here, no guilt/baggage required.

Anyway blah Stain arc blah. Bakugou picks Jeanist to intern with, which many might think makes him shallow. Their quirks are in no way similar and their images are almost diametrically opposing, and Bakugou only chose him because he's such a highly ranked hero. However, I believe the creators crafted this pairing in order to convey how good of a future hero Bakugou promises to be. BJ, in these episodes, is all talk. He's such a superficial hero that, in order to rectify Bakugou's foul personality, he gives him a haircut. He demonstrates the arrogant nature that Stain hates so much. Meanwhile, Bakugou ignores him and is still arrogant in his own way, obviously, but not for anything other than his own pride. He, when you break it down, spends all of his time working towards a genuinely good goal, just to prove to himself that he's worthy- no desire for fans or fame in there, he wants success but isn't actually looking for any of the perks that come with it. This, imo, makes him better than BJ. Also, Bakugou never actually says he is working with BJ due to his rank and could be doing it because their quirks botha require so much time, practice and effort.

Okay, so, now for the final exams. This is where I decided he was my favourite. He works with Deku etc and proves to the audience that he can work with him and won't necessarily become a villain, plus All Might lets loose a little and proves he too can be violent and mean.

What I really love is about ep24 s2 is actually the bit that makes a lot of people chuckle: where Bakugou bites AM's hand. This kid has been giving his absolute all, putting every ounce of strength into beating his idol, because, lbh, his self worth depends on his success here, until he literally cannot raise his arms to punch anymore. And yet, he still refuses to go down, despite every odd against him. Something about that tenacity is just so incredible to me.

It's almost 1am, let's have another break, shall we?

Idk I thought it was funny when it came onto my dash.

Btw, it's now I wish I knew how to hide most of a post lololol.

Season three is just Baku's season, ngl. Like,,, so many of his Stans got their start here, and it's not hard to tell why. A big reason why Bakugou felt irredeemable was because he had no reason to be so mean, but the narrative makes up for that by then putting him through so many bad experiences.

There's been a million metas on why he's so perfect in this season, and this is already abhorrently long, but ah well.

Okay so he's captured by the League through no fault of his own. As the audience when we find out Bakugou is missing we immediately think he's done the dumb thing and gone off on his own, but it's quickly revealed that he's already been kidnapped. Tokoyami is also taken, cementing that the LoV are looking for kids with some villainous feature, but also showing that their perception of what makes a child villainous is skewed, since we know Tokoyami is good.

At the hideout Baku is entirely restrained and silent, so clearly against his will. If we remember every other time he's been restrained (so goddamn many) we'll think back to the Sludge Villain, finding out Deku had a quirk, after his *win* against Todoroki and his internship with BJ. In this way, it's obvious to tell that this is all a Bad experience for him, as those were all very negative times in his life. There's no way he'll join them.

None of the pros even consider it a possibility. Aizawa defends him against the press (and, once again, we like Aizawa! So we trust him) and none of his classmates think he could be evil, they're all primarily concerned for his safety. Even BJ, who insinuated that Baku could easily become a villain, doesn't appear to believe he'll turn down that path.

Also Baku is pretty cool when he fights of the villain like I'm ngl.

And then, when he sees All Might? And his face screws up? With his lip trembling? It's undercut with a joke but he's so obviously just a scared/relieved kid in that moment and it's gut wrenching to remember that.

It's really getting late and I'm at 11% here so speed round through the provisional licence exam.

He can tell Shindou is two faced

Even though he's blunt he's still got the instincts and smarts of a hero

The class looks up to him

Aizawa has a lot of favouritism for this child, y'all, how did I not notice this?

His failure here is intrinsic to his character growth as it means he hits absolute rock bottom and we can move onto:

Deku Vs Kacchan 2

Where to even start. The guilt and pain he experiences has made me tear up several times just from thinking about them, and that GODDAMN VOICE CRACK AS HE YELLS nope it hurts too bad.

It's sort of the culmination of every emotional issue Bakugou has exhibited throughout the series. He can't find self worth without constant praise and pressures himself to be unimaginably perfect, to a self destructive point. He has no support system in place to help him with these issues. His anger stops being repetitive/funny/annoying and is finally, clearly shown to be more damaging to himself than to anyone else, as he feels the only way he can deal with his stress and hurt is by lashing out at those who try to help him.

In this fight we also learn why Deku, even though he's Baku's victim, still looks up to him so much. And the whole dynamic is so perfect I might cry rn.

I am annoyed, though, that further than that Baku's mental health has been pretty much entirely ignored for 200 manga chapters. Probably my only complaint about him.

.

.

.

At an entirely selfish level, I can relate to Bakugou. Obviously I'm not a teenage boy with explosion powers who bullies people in order to feel any self worth, but the high standards for himself? The pain at any failures? Being told through childhood how great you are only for it to be torn away in your teens? That's all so painfully relatable to me, and so I feel an even deeper connection with his character.

One last picture to finish off:

[momo-de-avis]

I'm going through a really long burn out. I don't have the energy or inspiration to draw anything, but I love drawing, a lot. I tried to reflect on the reason for this burn out and I'm 100% sure it's because of school and the stress of it. To make matters worse this year I need to choose what I'm going to follow next year, and I know it's arts but my mom is really against it so this burn out is making me terrified because my mom will use this as proof I'm not really meant for arts. 1/2

2/2 So I can't take a break from whats burning me out (school), I don't want to show I'm not drawing (and this stresses me even more and worsens the burn out) and I can't do something I love. My school productivity is getting worse (plus my classmates are loud so I can't concentrate in school) and I'm getting closer to a meltdown every day. I have no idea what to do...

Hey anon, sorry I am just now answering, just got on my laptop.

I completely understand that fear: that putting your drawing aside might mean to others that you don’t care. But first of all, you do need a break. Stepping aside from our creativity is productive. You have to let your mind clear a little, and your body rest, so you can return fully concentrated etc. 

But you don’t have to completely stop or just set it aside. 

Here’s my advice on what I think could help you keep yourself motivated while not engaging directly in drawing so you don’t burn yourself out, and also a great way of showing your mother you are serious about your choices: engage yourself in art in different ways. For example, you could read art history books, or watch youtube documentaries about artists, or just movies about artists you like (we can all look up some cool movies for recommendations!)

You could find a few resources on drawing stuff like, techniques and whatnot, and read more about it. Even anatomy books, back when I was trying to learn how to draw, anatomy books were great to boost my creativity and were really helpful like, learning about the human body helped me a lot in improving my skills. 

You could also experiment in other areas: try some aquarels, or pastels, or you know what? Get one of those shitty colouring books with mandalas, a few crappy coloured pens and paint. I swear that’s super relaxing (according to my therapist---and I’m quoting her cause she’s the expert---scientifically proven to improve our brain when under stress) and it’s still an activity related to what you love. 

Stress really hinders our productivity and creativity. Like, balancing that with school is really difficult. And it does feel like you have to sacrifice one in order to succeed at the other. But I promise you that, though it does feel that way, it will not be what happens, it doesn’t reflect reality. Sometimes, we are forced to set our passions aside to fully dedicate ourselves to school, but the trick is seeing it as a pause on creation rather than creativity. What I mean is, because you are not actively creating, it doesn’t mean you aren’t practising and stimulating your creativity. It means you are letting your brain and body rest for a little, but you can definitely engage in many other ways. Though I know that when we are super focused on creating (and especially when there are external factors pressuring us into being perfect, or proving the world we mean serious business when we’re going head-first into our passions) it’s very hard to accept a thought as simple as ‘I need to stop for a moment’.

Don’t worry, anon. A pause doesn’t mean you’re stopping. Stepping back and taking a deep breath doesn’t mean you’re setting your passions aside.

Find ways of stimulating that same creativity. In your free time, try to cultivate that joy for the arts, for drawing, for painting, etc. Read books about it, watch movies and videos and documentaries, DYIs and stuff, and stimulate your brain but in a more relaxed way. Also, make sure you take pleasure from doing these things, don’t do them because you feel obliged to do it. It’s really important that we feel pleasure when doing these tasks. It’s really important to be very mindful of our very own comfort and pleasure.

But it’s okay---it’s more than okay, it’s perfectly reasonable and understandable---to take some time off. It sounds like your stress is starting to hinder your creativity and I just want you to know it’s perfectly alright to step back and take a deep breath. If it works with you, you could even make yourself a schedule. One thing I did at one point in college (because I had so much to read but there were books I wanted to read for my pleasure but didn’t have the time) was make a timetable for my reading hours. I decided that like, tuesdays and wednesdays or whatever were for art theory stuff. I didn’t define right off the bat ‘I’m gonna read Jacques Rancière on these days!’ I just defined those days were for the complicated stuff, and then two more days were for complementary reading for college, and then weekends were for whatever the shit I wanted. It actually worked, and I am terrible with timetables or schedules as a whole. Creating a time frame for certain things to happen while not exactly defining what those things were (so, in other words, I wasn’t compromising with myself) worked and still gave me room for me to like, move freely. I didn’t keep it strictly. Occasionally, I said ‘ Fuck you, Jacques’ and decided to read whatever instead of what I had set for myself. But instead of being angry, I knew I had accomplished the goal throughout the days before, so I was okay with that.

I think that balance, between setting goals that don’t require compromises on your behalf, and defining for yourself a specific time frame where you tell yourself ‘this right here is for me to do whatever the fuck I want’ is very important and can be very useful when we feel like we’re collapsing under the stress of Have To Do versus Want To Do.

If it helps, also try to like, understand what the order of priorities are right now---but don’t put drawing at the bottom just because it doesn’t relate to stuff that seems urgent (like, it doesn’t relate to exams, or a certain homework you have to do, etc). Keep it on the top 5 or something, because as you said, you want to study arts---that means it is important. VERY important. But if there are other things that topple it for the moment---for example, you have a math exam coming? It just means it’s currently more important and urgent because of the relevance it has in your current-life. That is the short-term moment, with significant less impact on the long-term moment. Art has more impact on the long-term moment, so it shouldn’t be taken less seriously no matter what everyone says---it only matters what you say. To sort of make a list, or a set of goals, or understand what the current priorities are, it might just help you organize a little better. For example, for me, it helps me understand just how I can balance the things I need to do with the things I want to do. In other words, if I have my priorities straight (which is rarely) I can more easily say how much time I can spare to do this or that. It’s a tool to keep my mind clear I suppose.

And hey! If you need stuff that might help you like, resources and books and stuff, tell us. I mean, I’m more on the art history side, but I know artists who know artists and there are A LOT of artists on here you are willing to provide! So let us know!

I’m rooting for you, anon!!! ❤❤❤❤

[dothewrite]

hello, in-need-of-personal-advice anon here. idk if this will be long or short but I just honestly don't know what to do. I have exams coming up very very very soon, and did absolutely shit all on the three week holiday they gave us. I feel like i'm running at something completely unachievable and that everyone is ahead of me. I have a lot of anxiety issues, and have lately been feeling really just... down? Kinda like i'm sinking and stagnant but at the same time running endlessly

(cont) that’s really the only way i can think of explaining it and at these times, I honestly don’t know what to do. I regret a lot of my decisions, and I just… like how can i forgive myself for terribly wrong things i’ve done, and how can i learn to love myself? It’s seriously driving my insane because my I want to love and care for others like i used to, but now i’m over obsessing over myself instead and i can’t focus on anyone BUT myself. this was kinda all over the place i’m so sorry.. 

it wasn’t all over the place, i got you. it sounds like you’ve got a large, underlying problem that’s splitting up and squeezing itself into the nooks and crannies of what you’re used to having control over, so if you don’t mind me being a little long-winded, i’ll talk you through some stuff. i’m not guaranteeing that anything i’m gonna say isn’t bullshit, but i’ll do my best. it’s gonna be a large response, so i’ll keep things under the cut here. click if you’ve got time to sift through the bulk.

okay. so before you do anything, i want you to know that you’re okay. you’re normal, and you’re definitely not alone. this isn’t fluff i’m typing to make you feel better, it’s the truth. you’re allowed to feel like you’re sinking, stagnant, and drowning. you’ve got to, slowly, forgive yourself for that. it’s ridiculously easy to just hate yourself and let it all end there, and if it’s just self-loathing- that’s okay too. nobody says that you have to like yourself all the time, especially now. just don’t let it lie there.

let’s talk about how you want to care for others like you used to. it used to be easy to hold your temper, right? to stay relatively cheerful about things that would otherwise upset you, to breathe a little lighter and shake your head when people ask if you’re bothered by something? it used to be easier to ask other people questions about their day and mean it, wasn’t it?

don’t care about all that right now. none of it. right now you feel like shit, you need time to get yourself together, to find a path. you’re not obligated in any way to bother about others, as long as you’re not cruel. let your friends know you’re in a rough patch. because, although all i can say is from personal experience, the more you try when you can’t, it’s going to end up worse. you’re not going to get caring for other people right, and you’re not going to get caring for yourself right. it’s not going to last forever, this self-absorption, and you get a pass to fall into it when you need it most.

okay, i guess i’m over the bulk of it. the one big piece of advice i’ve got for you (you can take it however seriously you want, it’s simply a suggestion), is to make decisions. don’t let yourself fall into that pit of trying to make the minutes pass by quicker so you don’t notice them, but try and find pockets of clarity throughout the day to try and make choices. it’ll put some purpose into your days.

now, i’ve flunked classes, i’ve skipped finals, and i’ve turned off the alarm for discussions because i simply didn’t care. if you want to, at the end of the day, still pass your classes, you should start studying now. right now. make a plan, and stick to it. if you don’t give a shit about passing your classes, that’s fine too. don’t even look at your notes, fuck all and enjoy the rest of your holiday. but make sure that you’ve got the rest of your academic year planned out. don’t just give up without any backup plan, because you know you’ll regret it. if you want to take a break from all this damn fighting against academia, heck, go for it. just make sure you know when you’re going to retake the classes you need. it can be next semester, over the summer, in two years’ time- doesn’t matter. i don’t know if you’re enthusiastic about learning, but not everyone’s suited for academia. and that’s fine, because we’re us, and not a hive mind. you feel like you’re being pushed along the flow with everyone that’s struggling to be the top of the class, but if you don’t want to, you don’t need to be. step back, if that’s what you want to do. just keep a clear mind, and don’t let yourself make decisions you know, for sure, you’ll regret in the future. don’t drop out of school if your dream is to be a professor.

also, we’re all stuck with what-ifs. i too, regret how much i didn’t care, which has made my life so much difficult now. it’s hard, but the only advice i can offer you, is to let it go. you’re never going to forget it, and it’s going to haunt you for the rest of your life, but don’t drown in it. you know what- it’s happened already! all that shit you could’ve done, you should’ve done, it’s all passed. didn’t touch a textbook for an entire month? the month’s gone. now, what are you going to do right now? what are you going to do tomorrow? i don’t think you should start with trying to love yourself yet. i think you should start with learning how to let go of that knife, a few hours at a time, and let yourself heal a bit. you just don’t have to hate yourself. that’s the first step. think about how you still have time to be the person you want to be.

final thing: this is the hardest of all, but practice not giving a shit about what anyone else thinks of your progress. we’re all brought up to be so terrified of falling behind, of being mediocre, but when you put it into perspective- you’re aware of what you’re good at, and maybe it’s not getting into harvard. maybe you’re good at pointing out the different colours of leaves, noticing when people’s smiles turn forced, or remembering odd quotes. don’t forget those things. fuck the tide, fuck everyone else. you’ve the rest of your long ass life to live- and one or two years giving yourself time to feel like a worthwhile human being again won’t even make a blip in your timeline. your cousin is the next math genius and gets a yale scholarship at 12? who the fuck cares? you’re going where you want, when you want, and meanwhile, you can enjoy your time trying to paint leaves.

but if getting to college, or high school, or your job asap is your goal, then it’s time to buck up. although i wouldn’t recommend trying to shoot for the stars when you’re feeling so low, focus on where you’ve got to go, and still, let everyone fade past you. don’t compare. your life is your own, and nobody else has to live with the burden of your own brand of anxiety each day.

right, i’m sorry this got really, really long, and hopefully not too preachy. honestly, i usually don’t have this much to say, but your ask really hit me because it’s something i’ve experienced for myself. it was the worst year of my entire life.

i can’t tell you that it’s going to be okay, because it might not be, but the chances are if you make it out the other side, you’re going to be completely different. suffering is the harshest teacher, but at the other end of the tunnel, you’re going to be so much stronger than you were before. don’t forget that.

good luck, and i promise you i’ll be rooting for you over on my side.

[saeranoppa]

Hi! Can we get the RFA trying to comfort an MC who feels inadequate joining the RFA because everyone's so accomplished in there (either rich, a genius, or talented tbh) and she was just kind of thrown in because of Unknown? I'm sorry if that's oddly specific, but I just had that thought earlier and I love your scenarios/imagines. Thanks~!!!

i’m such a huge piece of shitfor taking this long. i have over 60 requests. i suck ass. i’m sorry. i’msorry. i’m sorry but like i have other stuff i need to do and inspiration justdoesn’t come and it would turn out really shitty otherwise. oH, and thank youso much! and also, it was kind of easy to write this since i can kind ofrelate. i’ve been feeling like that lately.

Two days ago, the entire RFA attended an interview since theassociation started getting more and more attention with each passing day. Youractions not going unnoticed by the world, so it was only natural for the worldto want to know more about all of you.

You were ecstatic about the interview.

They started with Jumin, CEO of C&R International, who wasfollowed by Zen, renowned and incredibly talented actor, then Jaehee, (was/is)head assistant at C&R International and an incredibly hard working woman.After her, they started interviewing Yoosung, who was now an incredible studentat one of the most prestigious universities in Korea and who had an extremelybright future. 

Seven decided not to take part in the interview for securityreasons, but he was a genius and the brains behind the app and security of theorganization. But everyone knew he was essential to the RFA. 

Finally, it was your turn to be interviewed. You had thepossible answers for the interview well-rehearsed thanks to Zen. Everyone haddone an amazing job which only made you strive for perfection.

“How did you join the RFA?”

“What do you do for theorganization?”

“Is it true that you took thelast Coordinator’s place?”

“Do you think you’re living upto the last Coordinator’s prestigious reputation?”

You noticed that the questions started getting harsher andharsher, and it wasn’t until some technical difficulties with the lights andsound, that the interview came to an end.

You were sure Seven had something to do with it. 

Your friends and lover weren’t dumb, they noticed the anxietythat soon started suffocating you thanks to your body language. Zen was thefirst one to notice, so when the interviewer asked if they could continue theinterview elsewhere, he intervened and told her in his ever-charming way thatthey were unable to stay any longer. 

It didn’t surprise you when the interviewer and the producersdecided to call it a day.

You were finally home. Everyone was gone because they all had work to do and you conveniently had a day off.

Sitting on the couch, you started going over the interview andit suddenly hit you.

You weren’t worthy of being inthe RFA.

There was a suddentightness around your throat as the fact that the only reason you joined wasbecause you had to. That the only reasonyou were part of this amazing organization was because you had been dumb enoughto listen to a stranger and go deliver a phone that wasn’t even yours. The onlything you did was put yourself and the entire organization at risk.

You were not special.

You were nothing.

Yoosung

You were supposed to see each other today to go on a date. Why?Because exams were over!!!!! And this nugget was excited to celebrate with yousince he had a feeling he did an amazing job.

He was surprised when he noticed that you weren’t already at thecafe you agreed on meeting at. 

15 minutes went by and there was no sign of you.

Worry started filling his mind when fifteen minutes turned intothirty.

He’d sent you a couple of texts but you didn’t reply.

Finally he decided to call you, and when he was about to end thecall, you answered.

Your voice sounded slightly hoarse and he swore he could hearsome faint sniffling.

“Uh, (y/n). Where are you?”

Shit. Your date. 

You shot up from the couch and ran towards the closet, trying tofind something decent to wear.

‘Wow, even for a task as easy as remembering acompromise, you really are incompetent.’

He heard shuffling on the other end of the line and that wasenough to let him know you were home.

He also heard you drop something which was followed by a longstring of curses with a shaky voice he knew all too well.

In a matter of minutes, you heard the front door open, thenclose, and finally your name being called out by the man you love.

“(y/n), where are you!?” hecalled out, concern evident in his voice.

You quickly made your way to the bathroom and noticed that youreyes were still slightly red and puffy.

You quickly rubbed your eyes and as you were about to splashsome water on your face, your boyfriend appeared by the doorframe.

Yoosung wasn’t as naive as everyone thought he was. Yes he wasyoung, but he wasn’t stupid nor blind.

Therefore, he was quick to put the pieces together. 

He was by your side in a matter of seconds, his arms envelopingyour smaller frame.

“What’s wrong?” he mumbled, hislips resting on your temple.

You shook your head and put on a kind but fake smile, just asZen taught you, and looked up at him.

“You worried me. You hung up so suddenly andcame here unexpectedly! I’m so sorry I forgot our date! I know you were eager,but it’s okay. There’s still time. Let’s go! We can have a lot of fun if we putthe time left to good use!”

And you started rambling. That was never a good sign.

“(y/n).”

“Come on Yoosung. Let’s go!” you tried breakingfree from his embrace, trying hard not to let him know what was truly botheringyou.

“(y/n),” he repeated himself.

“I read that it was going to be cold today soyou better get a coat or something!” just as you were about tolet go Yoosung did something he rarely did.

“(y/n)!!”

He raised his voice.

That was enough to snap you back and make you stare into thosebeautiful violet orbs.

“Please, tell me what’s wrong. I’m worriedabout you,” he carefully turned you around before running hisfingers through your (h/c) tresses.

What made you crack was how apprehensive he looked. You didthat.

A few tears started filling your eyes, but not enough for themto spill. You’d cried enough by yourself and it was difficult to shed even moretears now.

“I…” you rested your foreheadagainst his chest, “Remember the interview we had acouple of days ago?”

He nodded, his hand now running up and down your back.

“It made me realize how I’m… nothing comparedto all of you.”

He blinked once, twice, before frowning and pulling back,staring down at you with nothing but rage in his eyes. 

“I knew that interviewer was crossing the linewhen she was asking you about your job in the RFA! I knew it wasn’t just me!”

He sounded enraged, his lipsnow finding their way to your cheek.

Slowly, you shook your head as your hand came to rest on yourboyfriend’s shoulder, “No, she was right. I… I wasforced to join. I had no choice. Not that I regret joining, I just… Ijust had to.  I enjoyedit, I still do. Being part of the RFA is a big blessing, I got to meet you.But… I’ve done nothing. I’m no one.”

“Don’t. Just don’t.”

“Says the guy who’s part of the top universities in the countryand to top it, one of the best students in their generation. The one who was abright future ahead of him and is sure to succeed in everything he wishes. Youwere made to be in the RFA. I just… I’m…”

“You couldn’t be more wrong.”

His voice was surprisingly quiet and calm, but you couldn’t helpbut feel a twinge of sadness.

Just as you were about to speak up, he said, “Before you came into the RFA you know exactly whereI was, who I was, how careless and utterly depressed I was.You know how much of an impact you’ve made on my life. I knowyou do because I always tell you. And you’ve also touched and changed the othermembers’ lives. You changed me. You gave the comfort and that push I needed to move forward. You did that. Youalso deal with some of the most important persons and businessmen and women, thatis no easy task at all. Please don’t underestimate yourself. You’reso special. You’re one of a kind. I… I don’t know what would’ve happened tome if you hadn’t come into my life. You’re my blessing.”

Still, you didn’t cry. You really, really couldn’t bringyourself to. Instead, your arms snaked around the blond man’s waist as yourforehead rested on his chest.

“You sure know how to make someone feelbetter,” you giggled before sniffling twice.

“I meant it.”

“I know.”

Zen

He came home from rehearsals that night.

To be honest, he’d been quite worried for you lately. 

We all know this man’s a great actor, so trying to out-act himwas… well, impossible.

He saw right through those fake smiles, through those “I’m fines”, and noticed the slight wavering of yourvoice.

He knew the reason why. He knew.

Zen just wanted to give you time to process your feelings andthink rationally, but it seemed that he would need to intervene this time.

But that night, instead of being greeted by a kiss, it was bythe faint sound of sobbing in the distance followed by silence.

You definitely heard him come home.

Immediately you covered yourself with the bed sheets and triedyour best to even your breathing, attempting to find a steady rhythm but to noavail.

You heard the soft click of the door being opened.

“I know you’re awake, honey,” hisvoice was soft and laced with worry.

Still, you refused to move. You didn’t want him to see you likethis. He who shined so bright only being clouded by you.

Your breath hitched when you felt weight on the other side ofthe bed followed by a strong and muscular arm being wrapped around you,bringing you close against his chest.

“It’s the interview, right?” heheard a soft sob escape your lips and his hold on you became slightly tighter.

You cursed at yourself for allowing such thing to happen, still,you were busted. Might as well go with it.

“Y-Yeah,” you said shortly.

He nodded once before gently removing the bed sheets from you,somehow managing to position you on top of him, his lips resting on yourforehead. 

“Babe, you know you’re essential to theorganization, right?”

Silence.

“You can’t be serious…” hemumbled, his grip loosening slightly.

“What? Feeling disappointed? No wonder. I mean,you’re Zen, the prodigy actor, human embodiment of angelic beauty! You shine sobright, you are just… blinding. And I’m just me. Dull. Gray. I did nothingspecial to join, I was just stupid enough to obey a complete strange-”

You weren’t allowed to finish because you were suddenly turnedaround and a pair of soft lips were pressed firmly against your own, as yourboyfriend’s hands slowly ran all the way down to your lower back, pressing youcloser to him.

“First of all,” he mumbledagainst your lips, tickling your skin with his breath, “you aren’t dull. You brought my dull life a lot of meaning. I’mnot ungrateful towards my fans or my fellow cast members, even less towards theRFA. It’s just that… every day was the same and you suddenly came in andchanged everything and I just. I love you. And I want you to believe inyourself more. You aren’t nothing. You never were. You’re a powerful beingwho’s able to completely turn around a person’s life for good. You are amiracle to the RFA.”

The man didn’t even allow you to speak since his lips werealready back on yours and never left your body that night.

Jaehee

Unlike the other two, the day after the interview she was quickto be by your side and hold you close.

“Are you okay?” she placed herhands on the side of your arms, rubbing them in a comforting manner. 

You simply stared at her, a lump suddenly appearing in yourthroat, “I… I’m unworthy. I’m inadequate to be in the RFA. I… Jaehee,I’m nothing. You’re… You’re incredible. You’re so strong, independent, yourun your own business, you were Jumin’s assistant, you helpedthe RFA more than any other member ever did, more than I ever did and I amcalled the damn coordinator,” you scoffed, “What a joke. You, Jaehee, you’re incredibly, you’re so hardworking, you’re capable of anything and I… I’m nothing.”

Nope.

She wasn’t having it.

This woman was treated like she was nothing for a big part ofher life and she didn’t want the person she loved most in this world to feelthe same. She just wasn’t going to let thathappen.

Jaehee grabbed your hands and brought them to her lips, all thewhile keeping eye contact with you, enjoying the light and unintentional blushthat managed to creep onto your face the moment her lips made contact with yourskin.

“Please, (y/n), you are… you are amazing.I know I’m not very good at constantly saying things like this. But I need youto listen to me,” she cleared her throatbefore looking into your shining eyes, God, she was so in love with you, “You may think you’re nothing. But believe me. You’re not. Youhelped me overcome a completely unhealthy living style, you pushed to start myown business, you are what made my life worth living. You are whatmakes me want to take risks now, you are the one person I always want to bewith. I don’t know what my life would’ve been if you had never shown up. I… Iam so in love with you and hearing you say things like that about yourselfbreaks my heart. So, please, love, don’t. You are amazing as you are. And Idon’t care what you say, you need to believe me when I say that you’rehardworking and ambitious and kind and simply a beautiful human being.”

She was out of breath when she finished talking, it was quitecute. 

“Do I make myself clear?” shepressed a gentle kiss against your lips, lingering for a few moments beforepulling back.

Jumin

You’d been quiet thatnight during dinner, answering his questions about your day with shortsentences.

“Honey, are you feeling okay?” he asked as his hand reached for yoursmaller one.

You offered him a smallsmile before nodding once and setting your fork down. You didn’t have much ofan appetite that night.

“I’m not really hungry, baby. I think I’m going to shower and then headto bed…” you trailed off and stood from your chair.

But before you couldeven make it to the door, there was an arm blocking your way.

You looked up only tofind his piercing metallic colored eyes looking at you with concern etched intothem.

“You really are bad at faking a smile,” he stated quietly as hisfingers moved to cup your delicate face.

You scoffed playfullybefore shaking your head briefly and gently pushing his arm down.

“I’m fine, really. I just need some rest.”

And the subject wasdropped.

It wasn’t until hewoke up in the middle of the night, tried reaching out for you, only to findyou gone.

He shot up from thebed in an instant and rushed outside, frantically looking for you.

This man was fucking mortified because he just couldn’tfind you anywhere inside the penthouse.

Just as he was aboutto contact security he noticed the outline of a person leaning against thebalcony, your outline.

In a matter of seconds,he was outside, his ears soon drowned by the sound of your soft sobbing.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. C r a p.

He wasn’t sure how toapproach you, since there was a reason you chose to cry by yourself.

But you looked solonely and his heart couldn’t take it. It was impossible for him to just leaveyou like that. He couldn’t.

It was his job as yourlover and husband.

Slowly his arms snakedaround your waist as his lips came to rest on your right shoulder.

He noticed the initialtension that overtook your body at the unexpected embrace.

But you graduallystarted relaxing.

No words wereexchanged for a couple of minutes until he cleared his throat and said, “Can you tell me what’s troubling you now, mydear?”

His hands startedrubbing slow circles on your sides, the now steady rhythm of his breaths managingto calm you down significantly.

“I’m sorry I worried you, Jumin,” you mumbled, turning aroundcarefully and brushing your lips against his own.

“It’s just that…” you let out a shaky breath before continuing, “Am I really worthy of being part of the RFA?”

He was caught offguard.

To be honest, he neverexpected you to ask something like that.

“What do you mean if you are worthy of being part of it?” he almostcouldn’t believe your question.

How could you everdoubt something like that?

“Well, yeah, it’s just. I,” you paused briefly before continuing, “I’m nothing special.”

And then it hit him.

The interview.

Zen wasn’t the onlywho noticed how your body language started screaming “anxiety” during theinterview, but back then he really couldn’t understand why you would get likethat. He really thought you were just getting nervous because it was your first time being interviewed.

But he had been utterly wrong.

“What are you talking about, (y/n)? Younot special?” his voice expressed nothing but pure disbelief, “You are one in a million. One in a billion.You’re unique, my goddess.”

This man alwaysmanaged to make you blush.

But still…

You shook your head,resting your forehead against his chest, taking in his addicting smell.

“No. I’m not. I’m just some dumb girl who thought that doing somestranger a favor would do some good. But instead I successfully put everyone’slives in danger. The questions made me realize how utterly useless and patheticI am compared to Rika.”

Her name left a badaftertaste on your mouth.

But this man wasn’thaving.

He pulled back fromthe embrace, his eyes boring into yours.

“Listen to me very carefully, (y/n). I never, ever, want to hear you speak in such a way of yourself. You are thewonderful woman that was capable of bringing down the walls that surrounded me.You are the woman who manages to bring life to a dull room. You are someone whomanages to make everyone around her smile. You are an amazing person, my love. AndI don’t want you to think of yourself as anything less than a Queen, because that iswhat you are. My beautiful Queen. The fact that you weren’t capable of coming tome at first really hurts me, (y/n). I beg of you, next time, if something everbothers you, please don’t hesitate and talk to me, that’s what I’m for. I’mhere to be your support just as you are mine, my dear.”

Seven

Of course he knew whatwas wrong with you.

He was the one whocaused the technical difficulties.

And as soon as youcame home you felt his arms wrap around your body.

He caught youcompletely off guard.

You wouldn’t even tryto hide it from him.

It was common sensethat he understood what you were feeling.

“You do realize you’re essential to us? To me?” his words were whatmade the tears you’d been holding back, spill.

You hid your face inthe crook of his neck, your teeth biting into your lower lip to keep your sobsfrom being released.

You didn’t want Saeranlistening to your annoying sobbing.

“I am nothing compared to all of you, Saeyoung. You are a genius, Jumin’s a CEO, Jaehee might aswell be the real Coordinator of the RFA, Zen is a prodigy, and Yoosung’sassisting one of the best universities in Korea. And what am I doing? Nothing.I just answer stupid e-mails. I was idiotic enough to endanger all of you bylistening to some random stranger!”

Your hands were nowlost in his ginger locks, grabbing fistfuls and gently tugging on them.

His smell was welcomingand slightly soothing. The simple fact that he was right there, in front of you,brought you immense comfort.

Once those words leftyour lips, the man carried you, locked your legs around his waist and made his way towards your shared bedroom.

He let himself fall onthe bed, bouncing a couple of times before finally looking straight into youreyes.

“I just want to let you know that you were the one that brought me andmy brother together. You were the one who made me open up, who made me believeI deserve happiness in my life. Who stood by my side even against great odds.You are the person I completely fell in love with, you are the one who saved mefrom myself. You are. No one else.”

He kissed you brieflybefore continuing.

“How can you be worse than the woman who killed the man she supposedlyloved? How can you be worse than the woman who kidnapped a child and made himbelieve his brother abandoned him? How can you be worse than the woman who threatenedto hurt her friends? How can you believe you are worse than that evil witch?(y/n), you are my angel. My savior. My real, honest to God, savior. You are myhope, my life. I don’t know where I would be without you. So please, don’t everthink of yourself that way because it breaks me. It breaks me to see someone aspure and kind as you belittle yourself in that way. I’m the one who’s doneawful things. I was part of a secret agency. And you still chose to stay by myside. How on Earth could you be useless?”

The look he gave youas he spoke, transmitted nothing but raw, strong loving.

His hands were on yourback, pressing you closer with every passing second.

At this point, alldoubt left your mind.

He made it all goaway. All the pain you were feeling just up and vanished because he was right.

He was your light andyou were his.

Your hand cupped hischeek, a few tears slowly running down your face.

“How can I love you so much, Choi Saeyoung?” you whispered.

Your fingers startedtracing his pink lips, your eyes never leaving his.

“You are my angel, (y/n). Please don’t ever doubt that,” hewhispered back.

“And you are mine,” you murmured, your breath now tickling his lips.

He couldn’t stand it.

Saeyoung’s hand made its way to the back your head, his fingers tangling with your hair, beforepulling you closer.

He was too slow.

You wrapped your arms aroundhis neck and let your lips hover briefly over his own, “I love you.”

The kiss didn’t startslow and gentle, like it usually did. It was hot and desperate and needy.

Saeyoung wasdesperately trying to bring you closer and closer to him, his hands tugging onyour hair ever so lightly.

You responded byslowly pushing back against the bed, never breaking the kiss.

It was almost as ifyou were clinging onto each other for dear life.

And it wasn’t until theboth of you were completely out of breath that you pulled back.

Saeyoung’s handsslowly started running up and down your back, his lips hovering over your jaw.

“I love you too, (y/n).”

And that night wasfull of searing kisses and gentle touches.

I’m sorry if this was shitty. I haven’t written in a while bcs I’m a huge piece of shit :)