#I need to find myself a therapist here | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lesbiansanemi · 3 days ago

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I'm so tired

#not to come on here just to complain and feel sorry for myself especially because i know things are so much worse for so many other ppl #but as hard as i'm trying it's hard to believe things will be okay i'm trying so hard not to fall into defeatist attitudes #but fuck man. fuck. it's not even that i'm surprised or anything it's just. man #i want to curl up in a ball and just be comforted and cry and be upset but i can't do that and i have no one to do that #my worker's comp payments aren't coming through like they're supposed to and i have like ten dollars and barely any food in the apartment #my injuries aren't getting better the pain is still there even though i'm doing everything i'm supposed to #my meds aren't working but meds have NEVER worked on me and i keep hoping and praying some day i'll find one that will but i fear they won'#i have more psych testing in january but a part of me worries about doing it because if (when) i test positive for certain things it will b #on my record and considering..... the state of things i worry about what that means for me and my autonomy esp regarding anything medical #i still can't convince any doctors to take my issues that are almost CERTAINLY endometriosis seriously and again.... given the state of thi #i find it very hard to believe that will change and will in fact only get worse and i will never be able to get any kind of sterilization o #hysterectomy and if something ever ended up happening and i DID get pregnant well. it would not be good for me #i feel very alone and like i need to and must handle everything on my own but i feel like i'm about to break doing that #and then this. this. this this this this. i know it's not fair to be upset about it. like i said things are so much worse for so many other #but fuck dude. fuck man. mentally i have not been doing good recently and nothing has happened in my life to really help that recently #i want to go back to being so repressed i genuinely felt/believed i was emotionless this was not a good year for the dam to break #i told my therapist the other day that i feel like a toddler. i was so repressed and emotionless for as long as i can remember #so i never learned to deal with big ugly and overwhelming emotions. so i react as a child still learning would because i never got the #chance to learn how to manage them and FUCK MAN i feel like i'm losing it #i know it's important to do what you can and not fall into overly negative mindsets but that's not something i was good at anyways #and now it's even harder but i'm trying. fuck dude i'm trying so hard i want to be hopeful i want to do what i can #i don't want to hate everything and jump immediately to wanting to kms or destroying my whole life because what's the point #i just. holy fuck. man i need a minute to breathe and i wish i had someone physically here to hold me and tell me it's okay #but i don't have that so i'll be a big girl and sort myself out like usual and just hope i don't break yet #i'm gonna go watch anime and try and read fic to distract myself but mannnnnnnn i feel like i'm losing it #kaz rambles

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pinkislouder · 1 month ago

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#so there's big stuff happening in my life #and i remembered that I used to go on tumblr to vent about my feelings and heartache etc. using this as a diary.#and it would always idk. help.#because we were such a big friend group and someone would listen. anyone.#so idk who's still here #but: i'm very sad these days #and I'm gonna start taking some meds for depression and adhd if i ever find someone who will medicate me bc my therapist isn't licensed #to do so. but yes so hopefully this one clinic will take me in as an outpatient and at least give me anti depressants even if they can't do #diagnostics for adhd so if anyone in germany (nrw) knows someone who will diagnose adhd pls tell me #furthermore i have fucked up a fuckton #and i'm like. at rock bottom of my life.#i don't think I've ever been this like. distraught.#to put it short: i am v bad with finances and then i go and don't tell the truth about it bc of shame? so much shame. and like. the need fo #everything to be okay. even if it isn't. at least the pretense counts right? so i've not been honest to the ppl i loved most. and in turn #things are hard and rough rn #it's obviously much more than i'm putting in my tags here but yes. i'm working on myself and hopefully am gonna put things right. but yeah

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talkorsomething · 3 months ago

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I can't sleep again.

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #лёва паспрабуе АДК #it's not about that. i'm just tired.#(stayed up too late for the first time in a while)#well... it compounded the issues.#i look like some guy with my blurry vision and yet its not enough and i dont know WHY #i do know why. have you ever not been seen?#flipped the coin from independence within my grasp to nothing is ever going to get me out of here #not even 'getting out of there' got me out #i can't wait for guard season again but i'm worried it's only going to put me right back into the depression mines #... seasonal depression notwithstanding #i need to make a choice at auditions and its whether i will be out; as me - and hopefully have a better season because of it #or just... stay like this. forever.#... my consult is right before second auditions pretty much. schedule that month is looking full..#anyways its not fair of me to expect anyone to check in on me #especially when one of my housemates seems to ... Also be going through it #and i can tell you now which of us is actually likely to talk about it and its NOT me #i'm not built for this idk. i never should have taken her up on that job offer.#...... i'm thinking about relapsing again. more seriously considering it.#i KNOW it's not good i KNOW it won't help but i dont know what fucking else will!!!!#remember when it felt like i was getting hobbies again?? so much for that..#.. i need to pull life into my *own* control but i need help to get there #and i can't even imagine being fully independent #... even if i'm taking all the right steps to get there #the MOST annoying revelation was that i could Maybe Actually benefit from therapy and the second most was that if i tell her this there is #almost no way any therapist she finds will be queer friendly #going to dig myself out of it. as always. mostly just not pushing myself right now but GOD does it suck.

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moodr1ng · 5 months ago

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damn i had a good few weeks but im p sure the depression is coming back.. and i didnt do anything to prepare for it like prepare meals or whatever bc i thought i would have more time. not sure how my roommate moving out in a couple weeks will impact this

#97 #maybe being on my own here will kinda help me resettle and ride it out #but also maybe being completely alone (even tho i barely interact w my roommate day to day) will make it worse #idk #things have been hard for the past couple weeks #and i probably need to see my therapist and.#still no surgery date..#its just. its getting difficult here.#and i cant bring myself to do anything rn.#i think i need to see people and talk w friends and find some support rn #but i also find it hard to reach out to anyone bc everyones also busy and/or not doing great #idk. i just feel like things are kinda falling apart again.#im not doing good at all and im having to deal w changes that shouldve happened a long time ago #but well the timing is what it is and.#its just. its not easy rn is all.

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midwestblue · 1 year ago

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I think (as much as I annoyingly complain and whine about not having a partner) being single this long has been good for me. I'm learning a lot about myself and I'm learning why I was a shit person, and through finding the root of the problem I can kind of... start to heal. I can be nicer to myself so I can grow and get better. Because TBH.. being mean and cruel to yourself doesn't make you become a better person. It just makes you believe that thats what you /are,/ and thats what you /always will be,/ as opposed to realizing that you are a product of your circumstances but that does not mean you can't get better and become a better person. Accepting help and trying to get better so you can eventually love yourself – even if no one else does – is the greatest and loveliest thing you can do for yourself. You deserve that love, you exist and you live and you feel and that is a truly beautiful gift.

#uhm well anyway I hope everyone finds people and a place where they feel safe and loved #I'm feeling really emotional sorryy #basically. tldr; found the problem! trying to get better now through loving myself instead of hating myself #its been really hard. its going to be really hard. I feel like ive barely made any progress #I wish I had a therapist to talk about this stuff with. but I dont.#btw the uh root problem: finding out my mother was actually hugely abusive & I already knew my dad was #so basically ive been having to confront the fact that Ive been living a lie and my mother is actually deeply terrible as much as my dad #and my parents should have never had children & ive never had one single decent adult in my life #so basically uhm yea lol. I was born into dysfunction. I was never going to turn oit normal or okay.#so its been hard to like. figure all that out alone. learning I have ptsd and extreme ocd + dissociation because of them hasnt been easy #its made me so deeply miserable because I guess I assumed what my mom was doing to us was normal this whole time?#because I thought no. surely not. surely i cant have TWO terrible parents. I need at least 1 good one right?#but yea no actually every adult has hurt me in some way. and I was never going to turn out alright because #I am the king of obsessing and cycling over everything in my life #Im like. not okay right now but not being im in danger just because I wish I had someone to talk to about all this.#I just need to learn to drive so I can get out of here. I need to get out like #all these realizations have been really really heavy on me and ive been having trouble sleeping #Its been hard to process and I dont really know where to go from here. I guess I cant properly heal and grow until I move out?#idk this has been really long im so sorry.#vent #tw vent #tws ->#abuse ment #parents ment #<- in tags

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folkinsomnia · 10 months ago

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screaming myself hoarse til I pass out we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts!!!

#not about j we're good - about the friend who i haven't shut up about in the 14 years i've been on the hellsite #the fun part is that i know his forever career and his forever whereabouts and it will break my heart into shards for the rest of my life!#and goddamnit we weren't romantically together but instead together as part of a weirdly codependent friend group of four and we were #near identically weird and fucked up emotionally and in our humor and how we spoke and how we meshed and i will NEVER fucking get over it!!#i'm still agog that i sent you a last chance hail mary sort of letter like the lyrics in this song about how i think about you often and #have always believed in you and been rooting for you like all the rest of us who knew you before things got really bad because you were and #are such a fucking incredible person and musician and friend and so smart and creative and LOVABLE! i said that in the letter without #realizing alanis said that in one of THE best lost love songs of all goddamn time!#i wish i could tell you one more time - right now today immediately or better yet five years ago - how i have always loved and admired you #and everything about you. even now. all the way out here in iowa i am still loving you with everything i have in me every single day #knowing i will never speak to or see you again [i think about you all the time but i don't need the same] and i finally started to admit #that to myself and my friends and my therapist in 2021 and i'm more at peace with it than i ever was or thought i could be in 2019 and 2020 #but i know it's gonna take my whole lifetime to get a grip on it and accept it. and it'll stop hurting one of these days. i know it will #i don't think i've ever loved a friend as much as I loved you. i think you were the best friend i've ever had #and that's one of the nastiest parts of it - we were good friends and you did seem to like me plenty #but i think i was the w-h-auden_morelovingone.txt by a mile. i was a weird obsessed stage 10 clinger.#and that's surely a large part of the dwelling and the fixation. if things had been more equal then maybe it'd be very different now.#guess i'll die because i sure ain't finding out!!#HELLO LOVES HAVE SOME RICH NUTRITIOUS ANNIE LORE ON THIS FINE FREEZING COLD SUNDAY AFTERNOON!#ann with an ie #<- this was a nightmare to type out and feel but i wanna keep it around for whenever i get the balls to talk about it in therapy again

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fragilecqpricorn · 2 years ago

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damn today drained me -> he has literally only wrote 3 sentences to an essay and has spent the rest of his day being plagued with intrusive thoughts and fulfilling compulsions

#i have been declining this month! and i could tell! so it was only a matter of time before i had an episode!#but i ignored it anyway and now here we are!#*ashamedly deletes google history so im not tempted to look back into things tomorrow when i see it as a recent search*#i need to find a new therapist #i need ocd treatment so i stop slowly going insane every month as i build up my next hypochondria episode and give myself a panic attack #hypochondria #ocd #vent #lee rambles

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danothan · 2 years ago

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#i’ve been doing rly good lately. in a way that i didn’t know was possible #i’m sm more reasonably productive these days #like i have a relatively stable routine now and my memory is better than it’s been in years #i’ve even been finding myself remembering things without having to check my to-do list. it’s almost irrelevant atp #compared to the January Horrors when i considered getting checked for a concussion bc of how hazy and broken my brain felt #and i’m consistently paying my bills and i’m driving more often now #idk i don’t even feel great or super happy these days i just feel. content #and obviously i still need therapy for all that shit that happened earlier this year #bc i still can’t believe that happened and then immediately my therapist had to end things with me 💀#but idk. it doesn’t feel all that urgent anymore #nothing feels URGENT it all just feels reasonably doable #oh! and my friend is flying over to see me in a couple days so even more good news :DDD #i think the lesson here for me is that i need to give myself more credit if for no other reason than survival #danbles

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salsflore · 2 years ago

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ummmm

#oh mika there is beauty in life~ look at your future! everything will be worth it in the end~#my favorite image on this device btw ^#cw negative #cw vent #you know where this is going. apologies my mind is a mess and i really just need to get it out because i find its better than-#-writing a semi formal email to that One (1) emotional support organization and i’m afraid to make a call so #but i just genuinely believe things would be better off if i weren’t alive. a bit of a silly thing to jump to i know but #my tuition fees aren't cheap and i'm not even that great of a student or a daughter or a sister and i-#-have no talents or remarkable feats. i’m not impressive in any way. and i hate hearing shit about how ^_^ its okay! we all have something-#-special about ourselves! for example maybe you have really good hand writing and thats good enough ~ but that doesn't work for me because-#-i have nothing. my handwriting isn't good my singing isn't good i'm not artistically gifted i don't have some random affinity for puzzles-#-i'm not charming or somehow really good at calculation or super creative or a really comforting friend i really have nothing at all #i don’t want to die. i have no plans on doing that sort of thing anytime soon— don’t misunderstand me #i just wholeheartedly believe i don’t deserve to be here anymore not because i’m not loved. i just can’t stand myself and my teenage years-#-feel so long and i'm so fragile how much longer do i have to tolerate. i'm contributing nothing. why should my family have to feed and-#-clothe a burden like me who provides nothing. why should my friends care for someone like me. i’m not really that funny or sweet or great-#-with advice giving or pretty or helpful in any way. why is it that life is genuinely easier for others. what did i do? what can i do?#how much longer must i tolerate this? would you believe me if i said i really did try to change my mindset this time?#i have no one in real life to talk to. therapists are pricey and i don’t think mine was helping me in any way anyways. she was nice though #so every night i sleep hoping i wake up somewhere else. somewhere where i'm happier and i can live all my silly fantasies where i'm a fun-#-and lovely person who has everything she wants and nothing goes wrong ever!!#how much longer must i hang onto the little things. i’m in such an exruciating amount of pain that i want to kill myself without dying? lol #everyone repeats the same stuff. get bit #i can't rely on the joy of having coffee every morning or persevere for the sake of seeing cute cats on insta. nothing will ease the burden

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wildandmoody · 2 years ago

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Once again got wurk on the weekend and it all has to do with selling to ppl and im ironically just rotting here thinking abt how much I hate people lmao

#read too many tags in that post about bad jobs and i gave me bad flashbacks AND #fueled so many Predictive Horrors about my future AND #reinforced my hatred and frustration with myself and humanity. Lol. Suffice it 2 say i str8 up triggered myself #I need to find a therapist or whatever but my insurance is being flaky and i dont even have an insurance card yet @_@#I Will deal w that ofc bc i already gave them money but it needs 2 be when i actually have the patience+sanity #Adult life as an insane self pitying chronically burnt out individual is sooo draining and humiliating ....#And the system we live in that makes it so is an insult to life itself. I don't feel like im a living person i feel like a black fog #ANYWAY! I'm gonna end this here before i continue spiralling in the digital public. It's after 2 i should just go to bed about it

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the-wolf-poet · 2 years ago

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vent

Why is my mental health so shit? Gee I dunno, maybe because in the span of 3.5 years I:

Lost my childhood home, my worst nightmare

Experienced a global pandemic and stayed in lockdown for over a year and a half

Decided I need to gradually cut contact with a beloved friend who hurt me

Lost my dog, my soul mate, my literal Sunshine

Got demoted at work days after putting her down

Life has been completely empty and head-spinningly fast since October

#Why am I even writing this here #And come summer the one single friend I see in person these days will move far away for months maybe years #I think... I need a therapist #Its so hard tryibg to pull myself together enough to go find one though ahahahahh #Vent #Mine #Negative #Mental health #My life

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bearfeathers · 2 years ago

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i need to be kinder to myself in 2023.

even as i was writing that, i was telling myself that was bullshit; that i'm just lazy, that i'm looking for excuses, that i'm just being a big baby, that i'm too sensitive, that i'm too easy on myself if anything.

because i was thinking about how i wish i could believe that i wasn't annoying. i've read a lot of things and hear a lot of people say that when you think you're being annoying you're usually overthinking things and such. but it's hard to think that for me, personally. i just feel inherently annoying and unlikeable. i want to talk to people who are passionate about he things i'm passionate about, but i feel like i don't know how to engage in fandom anymore and find it hard to talk to people.

because all i feel with my whole being when i try is you're annoying you're annoying you're annoying. i don't know if other people feel it so viscerally all the time; like you're wearing a shock collar and just stepped over the boundary of the invisible fence. my whole body vibrates with it.

and i don't know if i genuinely am annoying or not. i feel guilty whenever i bring up my autism or adhd because it just feels like... excuses! you're being annoying about it! you're not even that autistic! but i'm lonely. and i'm lonely because i don't understand and don't know how to fix a part of me that is just me. i can't even say i'm trying anymore because i'm so tired of trying.

i need to be kinder to myself but i'm not sure how to convince myself i deserve it.

#🐻.txt #sorry for the thinky thoughts #but i needed to put them somewhere #and since i'm still trying to find a therapist #baby this is it #every semi-nice thing i said about myself here had an eveneaner thought come after it #and it's like #stop! stop doing that!#but HOW

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medicinemane · 2 months ago

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The world is set on prescriptivism and... it doesn't jive with me