#I miss them so much that I hate them for making me miss them

[cherriegyuu]

so high school | kmg | part 2

pairing: hockey player mingyu x f!reader  genre: smut (in later part), fluff, a bit of angst, bad attempt at comedy word count: 7.8k summary: when you’re suddenly thrown in Mingyu’s direction, you have no choice but to stay by his side, and maybe it’s not as bad as you think playlist: click here warnings: reader is mentioned to have long hair, mentions of food and alcohol please, remember to comment and reblog, it does mean the world to me and i would love to know your opnions.

< part one >

It had taken you almost two entire weeks to work up the courage to talk to Mingyu again. He had been nice enough not to contact you first. No texts, no calls, and the two times you had bumped into him on campus — aka seen him across the street — he had nodded in greeting, but made no attempt to get closer.

You hated it, admittedly, but you had missed his presence. The annoying texts at inappropriate times, the way he would wave his arm above his head every time he saw you, like he was a kid seeing a friend after a long vacation.

You had no idea how to talk to him. You couldn’t just say haha, I’m sorry I didn’t remember you, even though I saw you every day for two years, you know how it is, right? without sounding like a complete and utter lunatic. And you didn’t even need Jeonghan to pull out his school photo album, which he absolutely did, to rub in your face how completely forgetful you were. The moment Mingyu said the words “she doesn’t remember me”, laughing a little, a somewhat embarrassed by the situation, it was as if the movie of your adolescence suddenly flashed through your eyes.

Every time you had seen him leave the gym, following Jeonghan and Seungcheol closely. At first, he was quiet, just observing everything and later talking to your brother only, and then he was laughing and making jokes along with everyone else. He was obviously loved by his teammates. You remember finding him handsome back then when he was much younger and wore clothes chosen by his mother. You never talked, it’s true, you didn’t even know his name, but you always knew who he was.

How you went from that moment to years later not remembering him, you didn’t know. That was a big mystery, and you had no idea how to answer.

You saw Mingyu leaving the building next to a girl. He smiled and gestured as he talked, clearly excited about the subject at hand. The girl next to him smiled broadly, her body leaning closer to his, despite the clear space between the two of them. She looked at Mingyu as if he had nailed the stars to the sky, as if he was the only reason the sun shone every morning.

You thought about giving up. You were going to interrupt something and you didn't want that, didn't want to draw any kind of attention to yourself, anything more than necessary.

And then Mingyu looked straight ahead, right in your direction. You closed your eyes for a second, forcing yourself to do exactly what you had planned to do from the beginning. Slowly, you raised your right hand in front of your body, at the height of your stomach, and waved. It was a quick and shy movement that you almost didn't want to do.

The smile on Mingyu's face grew huge as if he had seen something that had truly made him happy. He held his arm over his head, swinging it from side to side like a child; you couldn't stop a small smile from spreading across your lips, no matter how hard you tried. 

Mingyu strode across the lawn, the girl he was talking to was left behind, forgotten, calling out his name loudly, but he didn't look back once. She glared at you and you knew, at that very moment, that if you didn't have a single enemy in your life, you had just made one. 

He stopped in front of you, arms crossed over his chest, a smile on his face. It took everything you had to do not to stare at his arms or to keep smiling. 

"Look, who's talking to me, in public" the teasing was clear in his voice. 

"Mingyu" his name came out of your mouth like a warning. 

Even though your tone didn't seem friendly, Mingyu smiled as if having heard a joke. It was almost a losing battle, not smiling while looking at him. You wondered exactly how things had changed, how one day you said "I don’t want to be seen with athletes in public places" to suddenly "talking to an athlete in public and still smiling".

“Sorry.” 

Although he was apologizing, you knew that there wasn’t a single bone, or cell, in Mingyu’s body that felt sorry while he was teasing you.

“I should be the one apologizing. I didn’t remember you.”

That’s why you had looked for him, why you had put all your pride aside and sent a message to Seokmin, asking — in the most delicate and unsuspicious way you could imagine — what Mingyu’s last class of the day was. When he seemed too excited about the whole situation, you didn’t even know that someone could be so excited through message, you were forced to ask him not to tell Mingyu that you had contacted him, because you still didn’t know if you would meet him because you had another appointment at almost the same time and might be late. It was a lie, there was nothing, but you didn’t know if you could trust Seokmin to simply not tell him. 

“It’s okay, I’m sure I don’t remember someone I’ve seen every day for years either.”

You smiled, unable to control it this time, and Mingyu smiled along with you as he took another step closer to you. You knew he was too close, rumors would start spreading around campus any second. You knew you should take a step back, and put more space between you two, you knew you should stop smiling like a teenager. But you just couldn’t force yourself to do anything but stand there. 

“You’re making me feel even worse.” 

“Seriously, it’s okay. I’m not going to use it to blackmail you or anything like that.” 

You wanted to ask him what he could blackmail you with, but that was too close to the line of flirting, and that was an imaginary line you refused to cross with him — even though most of the ones you had set had already been crossed, one by one. 

“Thank you,” was all you allowed yourself to say. 

He uncrossed his arms and shoved his hands in his pockets, rocking back on his heels. 

“Now that you know you’ve been unfair to me, for years I might add, and I’ve been benevolent enough to forgive your mistake, could you please stop making my life difficult and let me do the assignment with you, without me having to beg?” 

You threw your head back, laughing out loud. You wanted to tease him, tell him that he was already begging and pleading, but again, too close to flirting. 

“Benevolent? Ah, a man’s ego.” was all you allowed yourself to say as you rolled your eyes at him. 

Mingyu smiled, lightly bumping his shoulder against yours. 

“Come on, cut me some slack” 

You nodded in agreement, rolling your eyes again. 

“Let’s coordinate our free time and meet up again.” 

“Great.”

“A little green bird told me,” you rolled your eyes before Kira could even continue the sentence, “that you were caught with a certain hockey player.”

“Oh, for the love of God.”

Kira had hooked her arm through yours, her voice cheerful. If voices could have shape and were visible to the naked eye, Kira’s would definitely be bouncing around you. She was almost doing it herself.

You knew someone would have seen you talking, you knew someone saw it and wasn’t happy about it at all, you were sure it was only a matter of time until people were talking about it. You just didn’t think it would be so fast. It had barely been five minutes since you had said goodbye to Mingyu, you knew that that gossip was an inherent part of student life, but the quality and speed were impressive.

“Oh, come on! Tell me what you two talked about, I want to know everything, down to the smallest detail.”

Your friend’s voice was soft, almost like a child whining next to you. Kira knew how much you hated it, more than that, she knew that you would tell her everything, every word, just so that she would finally stop making that pitiful face and that shrilling and completely irritating voice.

“We talked about what I talked about with you,” you sighed, “I apologized for not remembering him, he was annoying and in the end we agreed that I wouldn’t stop him from doing the assignment with me.”

“The little green bird also told me that you were smiling and that you were even blushing while you were talking to him.”

You narrowed your eyes at her. It was true that you had smiled while you were talking to him, you had given up on playing tough. But you were sure that you hadn’t blushed or embarrassed.

“That little bird of yours is wrong. I smiled, yes, but the rest I didn’t do”

“So you didn’t make out in the middle of campus? You didn’t laugh out loud, the kind that makes you throw your head back and close your eyes?”

You simply stared at her, standing in the same place, refusing to move an inch. The student's gossip was fast, impressive, and deceitful.

“Some guy saw you guys and told everyone about it. I was walking by and heard it. They weren’t exactly talking quietly.”

You nodded and started to walk again. You didn’t have anywhere to go, but you didn’t want to stay either. Even if it wasn’t true, you felt like everyone was staring right at you, like you were a circus attraction in the center of the red and white tent.

“Nothing happened. We talked, I smiled, he said something funny and I laughed. That was it.”

It was a little strange that everyone was at your house at the same time. By everyone, you mean Mingyu and Seokmin, who were there to continue the project, and Jeonghan and Seungcheol, the first because it was his house and the second for god knows what — your best bet was that he had come there to see Mingyu, but he could also simply have wanted to see you embarrassed, it was almost like it was his and Jeonghan's favorite pastime.

You hadn't bothered to tell Jeonghan that the two of them were going home with you after class, you were sure that if you had told him and asked him not to be there, he would simply ignore your request. Besides, the rabbit was out of the hat already, there was nothing left to hide. Seungcheol being there was a surprise, but Mingyu knew him too and you figured he had told Seokmin everything.

Seokmin's behavior was surprising. He had greeted Jeonghan and Seungcheol when he came in, chatted with them for a bit, and then sat down at the table with you. You couldn’t help but wonder if Mingyu had scolded him and just how harsh he had been — though you didn’t think Mingyu and harsh were words that went together.

“Sorry about the other day,” Seokmin said. “I was just surprised.”

You shook your head. You had thought a lot about that day, about how you would have reacted in a very similar way if you had run into someone you were a fan of like that, at someone’s house from college. You had been taken by surprise, and that was one of the things you hated the most. You liked to have everything under control, to have all the cards in your hands, to know all the information before actually getting into a situation. You had made a bet by taking Mingyu and Seokmin home, and you lost. That had nothing to do with Seokmin.

“If I were his fan, I would have reacted the same way,” you assured him, not liking that he had become so quiet and introverted. “And look, they love the attention, so you can go as crazy as you want, you have my approval. And if they complain, you can talk to me.”

Seokmin laughed and turned his attention back to the book open in front of him, reading carefully and taking notes in the notebook next to it.

It wasn’t long before Mingyu entered the room too, still laughing a little at whatever he had talked to Jeonghan and Seungcheol about. He seemed distracted as he sat down and took his cell phone out of his pocket, placing it on the table, face down after checking the notifications.

It was impossible not to think about the conversation you had with Kira days ago, the fact that suddenly the entire college believed that you had hooked up because you had only talked for a few minutes. Could it have been gossip that had spread uncontrollably and thus taken on traits that had nothing to do with reality, or had Mingyu, in all his stereotype of dumb athlete and famous for being a womanizer, spread lies around, bragging about something that hadn't happened?

You hoped it wasn't the second option, not when hating someone for simply existing was just so much work, not when you had started to think he was a cool guy, not when every time you got a message from him you felt like an excited teenager seeing signs where there was supposed to be only a black screen.

"There's something I want to know," the voice came from the living room, distant at first, but getting closer with each syllable.

You were sure that this sudden approach from Seungcheol couldn't bring anything good. Especially when he had a cocky smile on his lips, the kind that you knew, just by looking at him, that he was not going to do anything worth of noticing and at any second someone was going to be embarrassed. And, in this case, you were sure that someone would be you.

Jeonghan was right behind him, his eyes showing that he didn’t know what it was about, but seemingly enjoying the whole situation.

“Seungcheol,” his name came out of your lips in a mix of warning and plea.

“When we were in school, you,” he stopped behind Mingyu, his hands on the younger’s shoulders as he leaned forward, “had the biggest crush on our dear youngest Yoon”

You closed your eyes and wished that someone, anything, would hit Seungcheol in the head with all its strength, to the point he would faint and no longer be able to open his mouth to say a bunch of nonsense.

You turned to Jeonghan, who seemed confused by the whole situation — having been completely taken by surprise by Seungcheol's revelations. His eyes went from you, to Mingyu, to Seungcheol, and back to Mingyu.

Mingyu was pale as if he had just seen a ghost, his eyes wide and his hands frozen in front of his body. The pen that was spinning between his fingers had rolled across the table and stopped in front of Seokmin, who was looking at the situation in complete shock.

“Do you still have a crush on her or is that a thing of the past?”

“Oh for the love of god, Seungcheol, shut up.”

Even Jeonghan, who loved a joke, a tease to the very last second, was uncomfortable with the situation. He didn't know where to put his hands or who to look at. Mingyu seemed to want to sink into his chair. Seokmin had his chin glued to his chest, his eyes completely focused on the open book.

“Dude”

Jeonghan slapped Seungcheol on the head, who was just laughing at the situation as if everything was a big joke to him and probably it really was. The only problem was that no one was laughing with him.

“That's a valid question! I'm sure you're curious too”

You pushed the chair you were sitting in back hard, the friction of the metal on the floor probably leaving marks that would be there forever.

“Seriously, what's your problem?”

You grabbed the hood of Seungcheol's coat and pulled him out of the room, while he complained and made a fuss.

“You're strangling me!”

You rolled your eyes.

“At least you'll stop talking shit”

You stopped only when you were close to the door and could reach the doorknob with your free hand.

“It’s just a joke!” he tried to defend himself.

“You don’t have the right to come to my house and embarrass my friends, so if you don’t know how to behave, you can leave.”

You turned your back to him for a second, just long enough to grab his bag from the couch and throw it into his arms.

“You can’t kick me out, it’s not even your house.”

You took a deep breath and closed your eyes.

“Jeonghan?” you said without turning to look at your brother, your eyes never leaving Seungcheol.

“It’s her house, yeah.”

You raised your eyesbrows at him, mimicking him.

“See? Great, you can go now.”

Needless to say, the rest of the night had been pretty close to a funeral. Jeonghan had holed up in his room and you suspected he was either asleep or dead, because he hadn't made a single sound and hadn't come out for anything.

Mingyu didn't even dare to look at you, much less talk with you. A night that was already embarrassing enough because you still had college rumors swimming around in your brain had gotten even worse because, at some point during the night, Seungcheol had decided, in a not-so-casual way, to drop the bomb that Mingyu had a crush on you.

And no matter how much you thought about it, how many ways you tried to analyze and remember those years, it didn't make sense.

You were sure you had never spoken to Mingyu, that you hadn't spoken directly to him before. The first time you talked was a few weeks before, in college. Even if you didn't remember him, you were certain you hadn't of it. You always made a point of staying away from Jeonghan's teammates, your brother made a point of keeping them away too.

That old story, when one doesn't want to, two don't fight. And in this case, neither you nor Jeonghan had any interest in you getting closer to his teammates.

In your head, it didn't make sense. Seungcheol was just talking a bunch of nonsense because he could, because he knew you never had the urge to argue with him. With Jeonghan? Silly arguments were normal, you sent your brother to hell as easily as you fell asleep after a long day. But not with Seungcheol, because you knew he loved the fights, he had fun, you always chose to just let him talk until he got tired. It was one thing to tease you and another one, entirely too different, to do it with your friends.

Logically, you knew that at some point in the past Mingyu had been friends with him too, but you also knew that that friendship had died the moment Seungcheol graduated from school.

Seokmin was the only one who dared to say something, completely focused on the assignment, but it was obvious that he was trying to break the ice of the situation. Trying and failing.

“I think it’s time for us to go,” Seokmin said as soon as he heard the sound of a door coming down the hallway and a second later Jeonghan walked towards the kitchen.

“Yeah, it’s kinda late” Mingyu agreed and stood up.

There was no way to disagree with them, it was late and the mood had gone down the drain. Prolonging the situation would almost be a form of torture for the three of you.

“Sorry about Seungcheol”

You didn’t know what to do with your hands. You wished you had pockets so you could have somewhere to hide them, but the leggings and shirt you were wearing didn’t provide any hiding spots.

“It’s okay, really” Mingyu assured you “He’s always been like this”

Seokmin went into the living room, but you and Mingyu remained standing there, barely breathing. You wanted to ask if it was true, if he really had a crush on you, or if Seungcheol was just trying to annoy someone and chose Mingyu. You also didn't understand what he had said, about Seungcheol “always being like this”. Did he mean annoying or someone who teased his friends with embarrassing secrets? Either answer would be correct but you wanted to hear it from him.

You wanted to ask, but you didn't have the courage. If it was true, it was bad and if it was a lie, it was worse. If it was true, you would feel even worse for not remembering him right away. If it was a lie, it would be bad you had liked to hear, when you knew you shouldn't care.

“I don't know if it's a good time,” he said, “but there's a game on Friday. You could go and take Kira with you.”

You were shaking your head before he could even finish speaking.

“It can’t, I already have a thing already” 

“Oh, okay” he nodded and turned to the living room. “Bye, Jeonghan.” 

Your brother appeared in the living room, putting his phone in his pocket, but looking like he had heard the entire conversation between you and Mingyu. 

“Bye.” 

You closed the door when you saw Mingyu and Seokmin enter the elevator. You were ready to hide in your room and try, even if it was impossible, to understand what had happened that night, but of course, Jeonghan had other plans. He was leaning against the wall in the hallway, his arms crossed over his chest, an inquisitive look on his face. 

“Don’t start,” you warned. 

Everything that had happened, not only that night but also during the week, had simply been too much for you. You had just gotten used to the idea of ​​having Mingyu around, you had started to like having him around. But then everything happened so fast. A laugh on the sidewalk had become an unbridled make-out, a smile a declaration of love. 

The rumors had gotten worse since that first day. Kira talked about them carefully, mainly because she knew you didn't want to be associated with athletes in any way, but she never failed to tell you anything about what was going on. That's only you begged her to tell you, otherwise it would be like in those cliché movies, the girl walking down the hallway and discovering all the rumors that were going around about her because she overheard someone's conversation. 

And it wasn't like you hadn't gotten stares in the hallways, but the truth is that you had gotten used to them when you were still a teenager. Getting into that same skin of an apathetic, uncaring person was pretty easy. 

"Why didn't you accept going to his game? You like it. It would have been fun” 

And on top of that, as the cherry on the cake, because of course life couldn't just make things a little easier for you, there was that whole shit show from a few hours before. Even though you hated the situation with a passion, you knew there was some truth to it. At that moment, you felt, once again, as if you were still 15 years old, sitting in the living room at home, enduring whatever nonsense Seungcheol decided to say.

Seungcheol was the kind of guy who made jokes out of real situations. In that sense, he was the complete opposite of Jeonghan. Your brother came up with impossible situations, bordering on insanity, and spoke about them with such conviction that you felt compelled to believe him. Seungcheol, on the other hand, took small facts and distorted them, or just exaggerated them in some way.

At that moment, sitting at that table, watching Mingyu's face become completely devoid of any color, you knew it was true. Maybe, yes, an exaggerated version of the truth, but a truth nonetheless.

“Jeonghan, it's just… I can’t”

You walked past him. That scene was too familiar and despite the theme of the conversation being different, you didn't want to have to go through the same situation again.

“Because of me?”

“Because of him.”

You hated seeing that look on Jeonghan’s face like he blamed himself for everything that was wrong with you. Daddy issues? Mommy issues? Apparently, you had brother issues.

“You know, one day I hope you stop caring so much about what people think, because you’re barely living your life right now, hoping that someone, someday, won’t care.”

Jeonghan's words floated through your mind for days. You found yourself standing in the middle of the campus several times, analyzing the people who were walking from one side to the other, some in a hurry, others talking to each other, many too distracted with phones in their hands to pay attention to what was happening around them. 

None of them, no matter how much part of your brain said otherwise, seemed to care about you. 

Even though you had been the main topic of conversation for a few days, everything changed when someone on the football team got drunk enough to kneel on a bar table crying, declaring his undying love to a girlfriend from elementary school. You had hidden yourself for so long, away from everything that you considered to be a problem, that you had forgotten how things worked. 

No one really cared — no one might be a little too much to say, but very few people looked at you and cared about what was happening. It was much easier to understand the situation than to start acting differently, but you hoped it was a start, however small it was. 

Your phone started to vibrate in your hand, a second later the screen lit up, and the word mom flashed on the screen. You knew what she wanted. You had been avoiding her calls and messages for a couple days. But you knew you couldn't pretend you were in class anymore, come up with some lame excuse to ignore her. She had even called Jeonghan and asked, or rather ordered, him to tell you to call her. You had avoided it as much as possible.

“Hi, mom”

“Ah, you finally remembered you have a mom”

You could imagine the exact scene: your mother walking back and forth, her hair tied into a low ponytail, gesturing before dropping her hand and slapping her thigh. You couldn't help but smile when you heard the clear sound of footsteps, followed by a slap.

“Sorry, I've been busy. You know how it is.”

“I can always talk to your brother just fine”

You knew she didn’t mean anything, you knew it wasn’t a comparison — at least not a conscious one — but the sentence was received with a sting anyway.

“That’s because Jeonghan has a schedule for literally everything. I study until I nearly blackout or my brain turns to pudding, which ever comes first.”

You walked to nearest bench and sat down with a sigh.

“Have you been sleeping? Eating enough? You and your brother are terrible cooks, and I know he eats at the club most of the time, but what about you? I can come by every week and bring you food, it’s not a problem.”

She kept talking nonstop, you were sure she was already making a list of everything she needed to make enough food for a week. 

“Mom!” you said loudly, loud enough for the girl next to you, who had headphones on, to look at you. You smiled awkwardly, lowering your head a little in apology. “Mom, we’re fine. We learned how to cook enough to survive.”

“Noodles are not a real meal.”

You rolled your eyes.

“We have vegetables, rice, and meat at home, Mom. I went shopping yesterday,” you said before she could say anything.

“One of these days I’ll show up and surprise you.”

“And on that day, you’ll find the fridge full and food ready,” you said jokingly.

You were silent for a few seconds, until she spoke again, this time her tone much more cautious.

“I know you don’t like it very much, that you’d rather be anywhere else, doing anything else, than participating in this, but just this year, couldn’t you consider going to the hospital gala? I know it’s the middle of the semester, that you have a lot of things to do, that you’re looking for an internship, but it’s just one night and…”

Even with all the differences you had with your mother, you didn’t like seeing — in this case, hearing — her begging for anything, much less for your presence at an event that you knew was important to the family. Ever since you started refusing to go to it, your mother never forced you to go. She insisted a little on the first year and asked if you hadn’t changed your mind at the last minute. But never like that. For whatever reason, she wanted you at the party, and by extension, you knew your father did too.

“I’ll go, Mom. I’m going to buy a dress tomorrow.”

Despite the distance, you knew your mother’s breath had caught in her throat, that she was trying her best to control herself. She liked parties and glamor and she liked it even more when you attended. And you liked it too, until… until you decided to avoid it.

You had to start somewhere, this whole thing of not caring what people thought. It was best to start somewhere at least somewhat familiar, right?

“I… set… I have…” she cleared her throat and began again “I made hair and makeup appointments for me. You want me to schedule it for you too?”

Her voice was almost shaking, making you feel even worse. Had you alienated yourself from mother to the point where she was shaking just because you agreed to go to a party?

“Could you make an appointment for a manicure too? I need to get my nails done.”

He walked into the room, adjusting his tie around his neck, laughing at whatever his sister had said, hating the feeling of being suffocated. He wanted, almost desperately, to take off the damn tie, but he knew better than to. His sister would laugh at the situation, but his parents, especially his father, would not be happy about it. It's not like he disliked the event itself, but he hated having to pretend. Pretending that he and his parents got along well and that the smiles they gave when someone complimented Mingyu were genuine. 

It was all completely and utterly fake. 

The truth was that Mingyu barely spoke to his parents. He didn't know when was the last time he had talked to them, just to talk. He didn't know what it was like to ask if everything was okay just because he cared. He didn't know what it was like to send a picture of a place, or anything, to his mom because he could, because he wanted to like he always saw Seokmin do. 

He always tried his best to keep his distance. Maybe being so far away from his parents wouldn't make him feel like a complete failure every time he thought about them. Logically, he knew that wasn't the case, he knew he wasn't a failure, but he was a disappointment to his parents. So he kept his distance, it was easier.

He still attended events like that to keep up appearances, that was an important thing to them. Not having received support, affection, or love from his parents since he was 17? Insignificant compared to the need to maintain the idea of ​​a united and happy family in front of their friends.

In the end, he didn't mind going to events like that, supposedly for charity. He liked seeing his sister and deep down he liked seeing his parents' friends praising him and saying how amazing it was that he had a career completely independent of his parents and even without their help.

Mingyu liked to think that his father had opened up about not having helped him at all in an attempt to seem tough and smarter than his son, but that only made him seem bitter every time his career as an athlete was the subject of conversation. Besides, he could see his school friends again. So it was a win-win situation: his parents kept up appearances and he had fun reminiscing about his school days as if it had been 20 years instead of just 3.

“If you keep pulling that tie, it’ll rip,” his sister said, laughing as she forced Mingyu’s hand down.

“It’s suffocating”

“Oh, you poor baby,” she pouted mockingly at Mingyu.

Mingyu shook his head and turned to the rest of the room, looking for a familiar face. He quickly found Jeonghan and Seungcheol but decided not to approach them as he normally would. If it had been last year’s party, Mingyu would have talked to them both, but this time he chose to stay in the same place.

That night at Jeonghan’s house still left a bitter taste in Mingyu’s mouth. He had a plan, which might not have worked — that probably wouldn’t have worked — but if one day you found out about his teenage crush, Mingyu wanted you to find out by him, and not through some guy who had brought it up for no reason. He wanted to ask you out, to go little by little until you felt comfortable with him. But Seungcheol did him the huge favor of throwing everything out the window for a joke.

It’s like that old saying: I lose the friend, but I don’t lose the joke. And Mingyu wasn’t his friend, not now or back in school, so truthfully there was no loss for Seungcheol.

And then he saw you.

For a second he thought it was a mirage. It had been years since you had last been to that kind of event. Your last one was Mingyu’s first. He thought he was imagining things, that he was so crazy wanting to talk to you that he had started to imagine you in places you weren’t.

He watched as you walked right past Seungcheol, even when he tried to talk to you and stopped next to Jeonghan. Your expression was serious, a little uncomfortable, but beautiful. 

The strapless dress slid down your body, almost as if it had been molded to your curves perfectly, tailored just for you. Your hair was loose over your back, just two strands framing your face. And your lips... lips painted in the sexiest shade of red he had ever seen.

Forget the little crush he had back in high school, this didn't even compare. It was a goddamn waterfall. Mingyu felt like he was standing next to one too with the way his heart was beating so loudly and deafening in his ears. 

It was official, he was lost. He didn't know what to do. It was the first time he had felt this nervous in your presence. Before, it had been like butterflies flying around in his stomach, that kind of fun anxiety, the one that makes one giddy and excited. 

He tugged at his tie again and grabbed a glass from the tray of a waiter who passed by. He didn't know what it was and also he didn't care, he needed something to wet his throat. The liquid went down bitterly, burning. The surprise made him have a small coughing fit.

Suddenly it was as if all eyes had turned to him, including yours. You smiled slowly as Minseo patted Mingyu on the back, trying to help, but making the situation even worse.

You quickly turned to Jeonghan, saying something for a second before walking towards Mingyu. With each step you took, he felt like his heart was beating faster and faster, to the point of almost exploding in his chest.

Over your shoulder, he saw Jeonghan smile and give him a thumbs up.

"Go for a walk," he said to his sister, without taking his eyes off you.

Did he say a waterfall? Forget it, it was more like an entire ocean.

Unconsciously, you smoothed your dress at least twice as you walked towards Mingyu. In a place full of so many theoretically important people, much more important than the two of you, it was very easy to go to him. Taking all those steps wasn't scary at all.

The feeling was completely different from that one time you had talked in college. That day, you had waited for him, your fingers trembling a little because you were in a place where anyone could see you. However, at that moment, you didn't feel any kind of nervousness.

Maybe, there was some nervousness, but the good kind. When you're excited to do something, the kind that you were sure would bring good things. You liked to think that the good thing at the moment was Mingyu.

"You look, wow... stunning."

He smiled and it was as if the breath had been taken from you, as if for a whole second your lungs forgot their purpose, forgot that they were supposed to push air into your body.

“Look at you, using pretty words,” you somehow found your voice again.

You tried your best to hide the nervousness you felt, the slight tremor in your voice. You didn’t know why you were feeling that way. You had seen Mingyu so many times, before and after you found out who he was. You had seen him in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt walking around campus; you were at the bar when he walked in wearing an all-denim look and glasses on the back of his head — you remembered finding that way of wearing glasses ridiculous, but you hated to admit that it made sense on him —, you had seen him walking around with his cap on backward.

You had always made a point of staying as far away from him and the circle he frequented as possible, but you could never deny that he was gorgeous. But there, in that moment, in that a black suit, his tie a little crooked and the most magnificent smile you had ever seen, you thought that maybe you didn’t need to force yourself to be away from him all the time.

“Just to impress a beautiful woman.”

You smiled, even though you tried to contain yourself, pressing your lips together. But you knew it was useless. There wasn't a single cell in your body that didn't like the attention you were getting, that didn't like his compliments.

“You haven't been to one of these in years.”

You nodded and looked over your shoulder. Your mother was chatting animatedly with a colleague, her eyes shining as she held out her hand and a second later your father was beside her.

You had all these differences with your parents, things that you disliked about them, and that made you keep your distance from them, but the truth is that you loved them.

When you arrived at your parent's house to get ready earlier that day, your dress in the bag, your backpack almost falling off your shoulders, it was as if you had been transported to your house 8 years before. But it was also different.

You half expected some comment, anything, no matter how small, that could be a comparison with Jeonghan — how even though he was completely busy with work if he didn't have a game or any specific schedule, he would always go to events, while you did everything to avoid it. But the comment never came.

Your mother sat by your side all day, asking you questions about yourself, about college, about the internship. She never mentioned Jeonghan, and when you tried to mention him, the only answer you got was “I don’t want to know about your brother, I want to know about you.” 

You wanted to cry when you heard those words. It was the kind of thing you laways wanted to hear from her. The confirmation that you didn’t need to be compared to Jeonghan, that it was okay not to live in his shadow all the time. 

“Do you come every year?” 

“Yeah, my mother and sister would forgive me if I missed it.” 

You nodded with a low noise in the back of your throat and took a step forward, your body a little too close to Mingyu’s, your fingers closing around his tie and pulling it slightly to the side until it was aligned with the buttons of his shirt. 

You didn’t know what possessed you to do that. All your sane neurons, which hadn’t melted when he smiled at you for the first time, screamed that you were one step away from insanity, that you were, in fact, already crazy. You were sure that nurses the size of refrigerators would show up and take you to the psychiatric ward of the hospital at any second.

You licked your lips and took a step back, avoiding looking directly at Mingyu. 

“It was the first time my mother managed to convince me in years” you admitted. 

You looked around, looking for a waiter, wishing one would materialize in front of you, just so you could have something to hold on to, but have something to do with his hands, but there was none around. 

“I'll thank her as soon as I see her.” 

“You're a shameless flirt, aren't you?” 

“Only when there's a gorgeous woman in front of me.”

The rest of the night went by smoothly, without any temporary bouts of insanity. There were a few moments, but you managed to control yourself every time. You managed to control the urge you had when you were next to him, to simply hold his hand. 

Your mother was a great help, taking you away from Mingyu now and then to introduce you to some friends and coworkers. Jeonghan was by your side every time you weren't with Mingyu, like a bodyguard. You wondered if he was acting that way because you had said those things to him before; and if your mother's change in attitude was also related. Despite it all, although you had been shown off for part of the night, you had had fun. It could also have been the alcohol talking. 

You had accepted a few more glasses than you should have. You were far from drunk, but you were certainly not in your sanest state. However, the alcohol brought a wave of courage to you, which until then had been completely unknown. 

Towards the end of the gala, after dinner, when some of the guests had already started to leave, you saw Mingyu at the table next to yours. His parents sat in front of him, his sister next to him, and some people you had no idea who they were sat on at the edges. Mingyu kept his head low, nodding now and then. He seemed desperate to get out of there.

Before reason could prevail, you stood up and walked towards him. You placed your hand on his shoulder and leaned your body forward until your face was close to his.

“Can you help me with something?”

You didn't notice the tremor in Mingyu's voice when he asked to be excused because your whole body was shaking too. You smiled at his parents and turned towards the exit, needing some fresh air.

A new wave of tremors and electricity ran through your body when Mingyu put his hand on your lower back. He was neither guiding nor rushing you. His hand was simply there, lightly. He pulled the door open for you and somehow still managed to keep his hand on you. 

You liked it, the weight of it, his presence there.

"Did something happen?" he asked when you were far enough from the door and prying ears, letting his hand drop at the side of his body.

You just shook your head, wrapping your arms around yourself, suddenly missing the warmth from inside. 

"No, you just seemed to be suffering" you half smiled, half laughed, suddenly feeling a little pathetic for assuming things. 

Mingyu smiled at you then, removing his jacket and dropping it over your shoulder.

"Thank you. If it weren't for you, this night would have sucked entirely"

It was silent for a minute, neither one of you doing anything at all. You were simply standing side by side, his elbow brushing yours from time to time while he rocked on his heels. 

It was most definitely the alcohol talking, it had to be because there was no way you'd ever say what you were about to say if it weren't for it. Never, in good and normal conscience you'd have been bold enough. And yet, there you were. 

"Can I ask you something?" 

You turned to him and got a nod as an answer, his eyes expectant and curious. You forced the words out before you had the chance to stop yourself. 

"That day, at my place, Seungcheol mentioned you having a crush on me. Was that true?"

There was a beat of silence, as Mingyu's smile slowly dropped. It was enough to make you regret the question, almost enough to make you regret the whole thing. Seeing Mingyu at the gala was a pleasant surprise, his presence was something you were grateful for during the night. You didn't mean to ruin it at the last minute. 

You blamed the alcohol, though it had very little to do with your decision. You had been curious and wanted to ask Jeonghan about it but didn't dare to do so, not when you knew that your brother would be able to read right through you. 

You blamed Seungcheol and his constant puppy eyes throughout the night, following your every move. His clear apologetic look, though no sorry words were said. His pride was too big for that. 

You blamed yourself too, for being curious about it. You were just fine when he was just a guy from college, someone you'd see now and then in a poster, or someone you heard of in passing. 

You blamed Mingyu too.

"Yeah, it was," he finally answered, sinking his hands into his pants pockets.

Screw it, you thought, if it's raining I might as well get drenched.

"And now?"

You held your breath, waiting for his answer. 

"Still is," he said, voice soft, this almost apologetic smile on his lips. 

You closed your eyes for just a second, somehow lavishing on his answer. There was a small smile on your lips as you turned to him, gripping his tie and pulling him down until you could press your lips to his. 

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[bibuckkinard]

Reprieve

Hi again, it's me, I'm the problem, it's me. I really didn't intend to write anything tonight, but I have too many words in my head. This is another fic, this time super short and sweet, for @bucktommypositivityweek round two, day 4: supportive boyfriends. I hope you guys like it!

bucktommy - Words: 554 - Rating: T - Complete

Tommy thinks Evan looks hot like this, sweaty, hands taped and punching the pads Tommy's got attached to his hands as Evan hits right, left, right, left and rants. Too bad this rant is about a man who made Tommy's days at the 118 his most miserable days in the closet. "I don't know how much more I can handle," Evan pants out with one more hit before putting his hands on his hips and folding in on himself at the waist. “What was it today?” Tommy asks, not sure if he wants to know. Evan is silent for a moment then he stands to his full height and says, “He asked me if faeries like to fly on the top or the bottom.” Tommy thinks about that one. He knows what Gerrard is going for but- “That doesn’t even make sense.” Evan throws his hands up in frustration. “I know! Like, if you’re going to be homophobic, at least make it good!” “He’s probably running out of ideas at this point.” Evan blows out a breath. “I know you said you wanted to avoid telling me what to do here, but I’m going crazy.” Tommy moves forward to wrap his arms around Evan’s waist, pulling him in. Evan wraps his arms around him in turn and practically sags against Tommy, so much so that Tommy’s more or less holding him up. “I have avoided giving you advice about this because I’m just not sure I’m the right person to do it,” Tommy admits. “I dealt with him by staying closeted and being an asshole.” “You did that to survive,” Evan points out, not for the first time. “I know but I still don’t feel great about it.” “I know,” Evan says. “If you could do it differently, what would you do?” “What you’re already doing,” Tommy says instantly, then motions to Evan’s curly hair, which he stopped using straighteners on three days after Gerrard started. They’re adorable and currently ruffled from the practice but Tommy freaking loves running his fingers through them at any given time. “He hates those right?” Evan grins. “Oh yeah. But it’s still within regulations so he can’t do anything about it. So what, keep changing my appearance? Should I grow a mustache like Eddie?” They both say, at the same time, “Nah.” Tommy laughs a little. “No. I am saying you could just annoy the shit out of him. You could go at him with a clipboard? Find all the regulations he’s missed because there have to be like a hundred by now.” “He’s a hypocrite,” Evan says and Tommy shrugs, because yeah. Gerrard always picked and chose what to follow and what to ignore based on what suited him. “But yeah, that’s an idea. Weaponize my powers for evil. Excellent. Thank you. I know you haven’t wanted to tell me what to do about this, but you’ve been a godsend for just, like, keeping me from killing him.” “Can’t hold you like this if you’re in prison,” Tommy points out, hearing the fondness in his own voice. “True.” Tommy smiles and kisses his cheek. “Do you want to keep going? We haven’t eaten anything for dinner yet.” Evan gives him a squeeze. “Make out in the shower first?” Evan, naked and wet in the shower? “You’re on.”

tag list: @desert--moonchild, @sazzynatural, @multishippinghussy, @mmso-notlikethat, @tommy-kinard-buckley,

@sunnywithachanceofbi, @sleepywinchesters, @buck-up-buckley, @manifestingchaoticvibes, @corvid-cryptidd

@lbltpsmspenguin, @theotherbuckley

[the-last-teabender]

I've seen (and heard about) a lot of Oxventure posts that are talking about how Oxventurers Guild was bad but Wyrdwood is good.

One - I hate to see two bad bitches pitted against each other.

Two - Speaking from experience, you can't be a table like Wyrdwood without having been a table like the Oxventurers Guild.

Did people not know the rules? Yes. Did people play suboptimally? Yes. Did Johnny bend rules and consequences to move things along? Yes. But people seem to forget that the first Oxventure campaign started with basically zero previous experience. We were watching people learning.

Yesterday I was talking with @randomthunk about this, and I compared watching Oxventure from beginning to present like reading The Dark Tower. Reading The Gunslinger and watching that story progress over seven books gave me confidence as a writer. You can start imperfect. You can make mistakes. You can be less than your best as you're getting your feet under you, and a willingness and enthusiasm to do that will take you to greatness. Plus, it's a story of an author evolving as much as it's a story of Roland Deschain going to the Tower.

I think many many other actual plays have given people unrealistic expectations, where Oxventure (as I've said before) brought me back to gaming. And as much as I think a person could come to Wyrdwood new and love it, the Oxventurers Guild campaign makes what comes next so much more meaningful. We've seen what each player does well across the original and side campaigns, and we got to see that because of the freedom the first campaign gave them. Now we get to see those natural talents paired with an understanding of the system (which we were already seeing in Blades and Deadlands, but now we have a 1 to 1 comparison).

In my first stint in gaming 20 years ago, I didn't have the freedom at my original table to learn and make mistakes. You got it right or you got mocked. I have good tables I love now because I began seeking out tables that reminded me of Oxventure: willing to go on tangents, willing to help each other, okay with fudging things on the fly if it preserved our good time. I'm a better player now because I had those experiences.

tl;dr your taste is your taste and some things are naturally gonna hit you better than others, but writing off the Oxventurers Guild because the mechanics weren't as tight is missing the entire point of how this group has evolved.

[major-trouble]

There's this book I want to talk about. About a Perfectly Normal Spaceship (lol) and the adventures of its crew.

So, I know I keep harping on about this, but I finished my reread this evening and I have to say - it's better the second time through.

There were a lot of things I missed on the first round, mainly because I was devouring it as fast as I could in a wide-eyed rampage of unbelievably hyper-focused attentiveness that nearly made me mess up the start of the academic year for a major post-secondary institution.

But anyway.

Taking a much calmer, more measured approach, I still found myself drawn deeply into the story and anticipating the next plot point with glee and amxiety. I could clearly see the foreshadowing now. And it made the experience richer.

For the record, I fucking hate reading first person narratives. They drive me up the wall for personal reasons. And first person present tense?? Fucking hell. This story blows my mind with how well the author takes these elements and makes them work. I want to hug Aspen and kick them in the ribs. I want to listen to Tal talk about shit forever. I want to understand Celti's motives and give Hive the opportunity to see butterflies.

The characters are real and grow in ways I was expecting.

Anyway, please go read this story. It's not going to change your life, but it will definitely cause a time dilation effect and make you late for something. Also go check out the rest of the @derinthescarletpescatarian stuff. You won't regret it.

[deadsnakey]

𝐇𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔? 𝐖𝐄'𝐑𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐘𝐎𝐔!

𝐏𝐎𝐋𝐘!𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐎 𝐱 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐱 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐎𝐃𝐎𝐑𝐄

—> Mattheo Riddle and Theodore Nott love to bother you, it's so obvious they hate you. Do they really, though?

Check out the request here!

—> Enemies to lovers, kind of... Fluff, a little angst possibly and two idiotic boyfriends who think bothering you very clearly means they like you.

★ Ok, this might be a little messy but just stay with me here.

★ since first year, mattheo thought you were so pretty and just adorable. though, he always kept his distance as much as possible.

★ it wasn't untill around third year that mattheo and Theodore started getting really close, eventually dating in 5th year.

★ but there was still a huge problem, you.

★ they both knew they liked you, they've talked about it voguely a few times and since then they've had to an understanding that you belong to them and no one else...even if you didn't know it yet.

★ unfortunately for you, they only knew one way to flirt; teasing and bothering you.

★ its not too long until you start trying to avoid them as much as possible, knowing you'll be teased relentlessly or the butt of their joke that you never found funny.

★ they always called you names like princess, sweetheart, doll or darling. nicknames in Italian from Theo that you didn't really understand.

★ Stealing your pencils, notebooks, homework or even your wand just to get your attention. They'd dangle it where you couldn't reach. Anything for your attention.

you were going to your last period of the day, hoping you'd be able to make it through without seeing them, the two boys. you've been lucky enough to go the whole day without seeing them but you still technically had two more hours before you'd be safe in your dorm for the night.

you've made it to class, and successfully made it through. walking through the halls, listening to music. your huffy puffy friend ended up stopping you for a few minutes to ask about the material you both were learning at the moment in potions.

once done, you quickly started walking again, about to press play on your music again when you feel someone lightly tap your shoulder. you sigh to yourself, hoping it wasn't the two boys whom you've been dreading of seeing; let alone talking to.

"hey, princess. where you've been lately? hm? avoiding us, weren't you?" mattheo taunted, a smirk stretched on the side of his lips.

you slowly blinked, in disbelief. "why? miss taunting your toy? can you guys just leave me alone? I've done nothing to you." they both huffed, "toy? is that how you really see it? you know it's quite saddening you'd think of us in such a way, darling." mattheo put his arm on theodore's shoulder, slighting leaning on it.

"yeah, okay." you harshly spat out, turning on your heel to get away from them. Theodore was quicker. he gently but firmly grabbed your arm and pulled you into his chest making you stumble; your back now touching his clothed chest. you were quickly intoxicated with the smell of faint cigarettes and cinnamon.

"what? got nothing to say now, tesoro?", "don't call me that. and let me go!" you struggled. "someone's feisty, eh? c'mon, lets go to my dorm. I think we need to have a little chat with you." mattheo said, gently putting his hand on the top of your head in a genuine gesture as Theodore started walking, mattheo in front as he led the way and Theodore making sure you're not trying to escape from behind you.

★ safe to say, you were scared.

★ but they really did just want to talk to you. they confessed their feelings for you although you were confused. they hated you.

★ they explained that they didn't hate you, they were head over heels for you if anything. they just...had a really bad way of showing it, hence the constant and brutal teasing.

★ you were shocked. but you told them that they needed to give you some time, you told them as long as they toned it down and stopped being so cruel with their teasing and jokes and actually got to now them, you'd consider dating them.

★ They finally got your attention and they loved it.

★ after 4 awful months of torture from these two, it payed off.

★ fast forward to the end of sixth year, you developed feelings from them both and heavily overtime. that's when you told them that you had came to falling for them and would love to date them both; now that you felt ready.

★ they were soooo happy, definitely lots of affection from these two the rest of the day and night.

[emphistic]

Deja Vu

A/N: Bury Me at Makeout Creek

<- series m.list

And autumn comes when you’re not yet done

With the summer passing by, but

I don’t think I could stand to be

Where you don't see me

Sukuna had fallen in love with a war, when nobody told him it had ended.

Broken bottles and fallen chairs and shredded papers decorated the already messy floor. Sukuna’s apartment was a battlefield, and so was his mind. He simply just didn’t get it. . . Sukuna was the moon, when you wanted the stars. And for that very reason, he had lost everything.

He had no other reason to stay, no ulterior motive. And he certainly wasn’t wrong when he said there was no reason for the two of you to continue the fake relationship.

Sukuna was hurt. He had come to terms with it long ago. You didn’t love him, for he was merely a “token of luck” for you, and that was all there was to it. But, at the same time, he wanted you to be happy. And if he needed to leave for that to happen, he would. Still, he couldn’t help the thought that came into his mind, that he hoped—no, wanted—you to be happier with him, rather than with Naoki Ito. 

Was he foolish for thinking he was more of the man you needed, compared to Naoki?

Fuck. He was hurt, and he was far from coming to terms with it.

Sukuna often found himself asking why he loved you. And every single time, he was left with no answer. Why? Why did he love you? Even after you tore his heart out, and ripped it to shreds, without even knowing it yourself, he still loved you.

Vulnerability. A noun, as said by Oxford Languages, meaning “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.” It was an emotion Sukuna showed once every blue moon. Yet, with you, it seemed the opposite. You were a special girl to Sukuna. One which he had known since childhood. The thought of him having to let your memories merely fade away to the past was unbearable.

Sukuna hated you so much. But in his world, love and hate were so similar, that he knew not the line which crossed between them. It was blurry. It was foggy. But it definitely couldn’t be non-existent, right?

That fateful day, after Sukuna exited your kitchen, he walked back into the living room, told the two cousins on the couch he was called into work, and simply left. You only knew this, because, when you came back into the living room, soon after wiping away stray tears on the sleeve of your sweater and splashing your face with cold water, Naoki and Eileen were quick to question you.

“Why did it take so long?”

“Does microwaving popcorn really take almost ten minutes?”

You had missed the beginning of White Chicks, but it didn’t matter much to you, you had already seen the movie quite a few times before. And, taking everything into account, an American 2000s comedy film probably wasn’t enough to get rid of the prominent tear stains on your pillow that very night.

Naoki had asked you if he could stay the night, using traffic as an argument, and even going as far as to suggest the idea of using your spare bedroom, but you outright rejected him. Saying the traffic near you wasn’t usually as bad on Saturdays as on other days.

Of course, that was a lie. Your street was busier than most locations, and still, you didn’t feel an ounce bad for making up a mere fib. You just couldn’t bear the thought of another man taking up the bed previously used by a notorious man with pink hair. Your heart wasn’t taken by Naoki, and your bed wouldn’t be, either.

Eileen exited your apartment after the movie ended, followed suit by her male cousin. The blonde left without a word to you, save for a small mumble of “Good night”, but that was it.

You didn’t know why you felt so empty inside. Everything that happened, happened because of you. You said yes to being Naoki’s girlfriend, and you told Sukuna that you two should end the fake relationship; you were the sole puppeteer. And yet, you felt like a doll attached to the strings.

Everything played out the way you made it, but none of it played out how you wanted it.

Confusion. Guilt. Regret.

Three emotions that hung heavy in your heart.

The whole two weeks you spent with Sukuna, you spent making a grave mistake. You thought of no one but yourself. The arranged relationship? Was for your benefit: to lift the curse. Sukuna? Was your pawn: did everything you suggested. Naoki? Was your opportunity to experience making macaroni with someone.

Was I always this selfish? you asked yourself, while laying in bed one night. It was quiet in the apartment, save for the distant grumble of your fridge, and the wind blowing against your curtains, and the sheets rustling every time you shifted in bed, unable to fall victim to Hypnos.

The thought process behind your poorly executed actions was simply that you had too much on your plate. You were in two relationships at once. But your heart was in one spot. And that confused you. What you’ve always wanted since childhood now seemed dull and insignificant. Was this what you really wanted?

You couldn’t continue the relationship with Sukuna because you had to end the one with Naoki first. And, speaking of which, you had no clue why you took up being Naoki’s girlfriend. Maybe you couldn’t bring yourself to decline someone who seemed so innocent. It just didn’t feel right.

But, at the same time, as you laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling with an arm beneath your head, you couldn’t help feeling sick to your stomach. These weren’t butterflies, this feeling wasn’t love. You were wrong. You were so, so wrong. You should’ve never even gotten yourself into this mess in the first place. And now, instead of only hurting yourself, you were hurting not one, but two other people. Two people who didn’t deserve what you were putting them through.

-

When Naoki grabbed your hand, you almost instinctively pulled it away, clearly not used to another man’s touch other than . . . Sukuna’s. . . Fuck.

It was the weekend, and you were ice skating with Naoki. It was a simple outing, an activity you found yourself having taken a liking to, and you should’ve been enjoying it. But . . . you weren’t. You couldn’t help yourself drifting off to the thought of Sukuna. He promised to teach you hockey when winter came; the weather would be colder, and the only warmth you could gather was from his hand intertwined with your own.

But winter seemed so far, and so impossible, that you almost threw away any dream you previously dreamt, and simply bit your tongue.

Your gloved hand shakingly took up Naoki’s, as the two of you glided across the ice at a moderate pace. Your bottom lip trembled, and you clumsily skated, nearly knocking into other couples on the ice as the both of you went on and on and on.

“I’m not really good at this, as you can probably tell,” Naoki began, “but you seem to know what you’re doing.”

“My . . . friend taught me; I told you, remember? He is—he was a good teacher,” you mumbled, turning your head away from Naoki’s.

A friend. That’s what Sukuna was to you for two decades. A companion, a neighbor, a comeade, someone you could trust. Sukuna was a friend. And now, he was but a stranger, whose face you could only hold on to in your dreams.

In the past, mainly when you were a little younger, you had dreams about people that didn’t exist (Well, that’s what you concluded). You could never remember their faces when you woke up, it was always a blur; a fuzzy, distinct memory that often seemed like a mere figment of your imagination.

That’s how the name Sukuna Ryomen felt to you now. Hearing it made your heart drop to your stomach, and you always looked around your surroundings to see if you could spot his unruly, pink hair, that you loved so much—yet not enough to keep—so that you could bring him back, and tell him how stupid, and how much of an idiot you were back there.

You knew Sukuna wouldn’t like it if you did that, he wouldn’t want you to pull him back into the tide. But fuck, you were a selfish person, who wanted nothing more than to do just that.

Naoki smiled, “Right. I forgot. . . Anyway, let’s go sit down somewhere. I heard there’s ice cream here, y’know.”

You turned back to Naoki. “Oh, really? That sounds nice, we should try it.”

“We should.”

“I didn’t take you for a chocolate person.”

You laughed. “Really? How do you mean?”

Naoki shrugged, a subtle smile on his lips. “. . .The reason Sukuna left that night . . . surely wasn’t just because of work, right?”

Did he know? Did Sukuna tell him? Did you accidentally tell him at one point? There was no way he could’ve found out on his own. You’ve never told a soul other than Sukuna about the “curse” and you certainly never told anyone about the arranged relationship. So then, how. . ?

Before you could ask any questions, Naoki beat you to it. “You don’t have to lie. Lying too much is . . . a bad habit to have. I’m sure you would know.” Naoki’s smile wasn’t warm, but it wasn’t cold. It was a smile of acceptance; he had learned everything he needed to learn.

You weren’t going to outright confess everything in a shopping mall to a man you didn’t know as well as you thought you did, and you sure as hell weren’t going to talk about how you felt about Sukuna, but you didn’t see the point in trying to hide the fact that you and Naoki shouldn’t be together anymore. You had lied for so long. To Sukuna. To Naoki. And to yourself.

Furrowing your brows, you sighed a breath you didn’t know you were holding. “I’m sorry. You’ve been so nice and such a great listener, and I’ve. . . I’ve been . . . just me,” you shakily inhaled before continuing. “Naoki, I’m sorry. You’re great, you’re a wonderful guy, and I’m glad I got to spend the time I spent with you. I’m just—I. . . Everything is moving so fast for me, and I’ve been nothing but a huge dick to everyone around. It’s just. . . It’s complicated, and I. . .” Your voice trailed off, as you felt your eyes get wet. Crying in public was definitely a first for you. And today would not be the day.

“Look, I may not understand everything that’s going on, but I see everything going on. And I know, if we stay together any longer, you’ll spend the rest of your time as my girlfriend searching for another person in me that . . . doesn’t exist,” Naoki sighed. “I can assure you of that much.”

“Nao. . .” Your eyes softened as you peered into the copper-haired man’s face, but his head was casted downwards, and his bangs covered his eyes. You could barely see his mouth move as he spoke to you with a quiet voice.

“You don’t have to say you’re sorry. I . . . feel sorry for you, actually, that you had to bury your feelings for so long. That’s probably the only part I can sympathize with you on. But. . . I tried, I really tried. But ‘like’ and ‘love’ are very different things. And the difference between what we feel for each other is very prominent,” Naoki added, saying your name with a dull tone.

“. . .Naoki, I really, really wish we could’ve met when I was more mature. When I was a lot less confused, and a lot more . . . together, composed, I’m not sure. But, it’s been . . . a time. A ride. A chapter. But maybe, it was the wrong chapter. The wrong book, even,” you tried joking; “. . .I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Naoki Ito. You deserve so much better, but I can’t give you much better, and I will always be forever regretful of that.”

Naoki nodded. “I know. I know you’re full of regrets. But we’re in our twenties, and we have the rest of our lives to live. As much I miss this, as much as I miss you, I know there’s more for me out there. And there’s more for you out there, if you put your mind to it. It’s . . . embarrassing to spend the rest of your life hung up on heartbreak. I’ll tell you that.

“You’re a beautiful, exceptional girl. Being with someone you don’t love, and putting on a mask all day, isn’t your fate. I’m not going to hold you back from what you really want. So, this is goodbye.”

You walked home, soon after. With a heavy heart in your hand, that still beat for someone miles away. Huh, being selfish was so strange.

-

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk, and I need you now. 

Said I wouldn’t call, but I’ve lost all control and I need you now

And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now

You weren’t planning on spending the rest of your night drunk out of your mind, but being spontaneous was pretty much your thing at this point.

Alcohol is known to affect your brain. According to an article you read: It’s a depressant, which can disrupt the balance of neurotransmitters in your brain, affecting your feelings, thoughts, and behavior. In summary, alcohol affects the part of your brain that controls inhibition, so feeling relaxed, less anxious, or more confident after a drink is always a definite possibility.

In your apartment, you had a classy collection of drinks to choose from. But, maybe it was a mistake for Sukuna to supply you with his favorite bottle of beer, because that’s all you wanted now. You didn’t drink beer very often, but it burned especially good when it was accompanied by the feeling of longing for a man so far away.

Blinking back tears, your shaking fingers clumsily dialed a number you could only manage to remember when you were half-asleep and in need of comfort. You usually held the phone up to your ear, but this time, you put the call on speaker. You had nothing to lose, after all. You were alone, with the stars and moon, and your dignity.

The call was answered within two rings, and you wasted no time in saying, “Sukuna, I—I. . . I don’t know what to—hic—do. I need—”

You would’ve gone on and on about how sorry you were, and how much you needed him, but the drunk version of you had an incredibly flexible mind. And when Sukuna cut you off before you could say those three formidable words, and asked, “What did you have to drink?” you immediately forgot about what you were going to say before.

Your excitement for hearing Sukuna’s voice after what seemed like a millenium couldn’t be contained, and your heart felt ten times lighter. Blinking, your reply came almost instantly. “Just—just a few beers. Why . . . do you ask?”

Sukuna hummed from the other line. “Not in a mood for Chardonnay, I take it?”

“N-no,” you furrowed your brows, chewing on your bottom lip. “I wanted something that reminded me of you. I wanted to drink your favorite drink. . . And, when I opened the bottle, it felt like I could feel your hands on it from the last time you opened it for me. I wish—”

“Those things are tough. Why didn’t you just use a bottle opener?”

“I don’t like bottle openers. I like when you used to open bottles for me,” you nearly burst out sobbing, which was just utterly insane, considering the bittersweet smile you had on your face. “I . . . miss y—”

“I know you do, and, to be frank, that just makes me feel a lot better about everything. I mean, why wouldn’t you miss me? I gave you what you’ve always wanted, I lifted your stupid fuckin’ curse, I’m—I’m basically your Lord and Savior, now,” joked a laughing Sukuna. He was frustrated, so frustrated. Because, despite it all, he still fucking loved you. Even after you broke his heart. Even after you unconsciously made him relapse. None of that mattered, because you were you, and Sukuna would always love that.

Drunk You didn’t understand any of what Sukuna was saying, and so you ultimately dismissed his words. Your voice softened as you added, “I’m—I’m worried. I . . . don’t want other memories to replace ours. I miss our cooking nights together, Sukuna. I really miss—”

“Do you miss having someone to make macaroni and cheese with, or do you miss me?”

“. . .Is there a right answer to that?” You laughed mindlessly, taking another swig from your glass.

“There’s a right answer to everything, if you put your heart to it. Go to sleep, sweetheart. There’ll be alka-seltzer in your cabinet when you wake up.”

-

You awoke the next morning with an empty bottle in your hand, prominent eye bags, and a bad back, because you had slept on the couch that night before. Your first thought was to go back to sleep, but you decided against that, and stalked around the apartment like a zombie in search of brains, until you found a box of hangover relief in your cabinet. I didn’t put that there, you thought, but you took the tablets anyway.

Hangovers didn’t wait for anyone, and you definitely weren’t going to question a miracle from God.

“So, what’s up? We haven’t hung at your place in a while; it looks nice.” Yuuji had arrived at your door fifteen minutes after you told him you needed someone to confide in. He was a naturally very nosy person, but something told you his speed was because he wanted to help a friend out.

“I need advice,” you said, setting two cups of coffee on the table. You clearly hadn’t learned your lesson on the harm in inviting a friend over to your apartment for drinks, except this time, you would finally be sober.

“Yeah, you look like you need advice. Sorry, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but, you look like shit.”

“Uh huh. I feel like shit, too. It’s been a rough two weeks since I last heard from you. There’s a lot we need to catch up on,” you laughed, taking a sip from your mug.

“Spill.”

“I fucked your brother.”

There was a pregnant pause. Yuuji couldn’t even look you in the face, not because he was surprised—spoiler alert: he wasn’t—but because he simply wasn’t expecting you to be so frank. You? Sukuna? Why did no one tell him anything? Were you asking for advice about getting into a real relationship with Sukuna? Or were you two past that, and looking to get married?

“. . .Deadass. . ?”

“. . .No, I’m just kidding. But, we did . . . kiss. And, we did date, but it wasn’t. . . It was casual, it was just—I don’t know. It was fake. Okay, it was fake. That’s—that’s what it was.”

“And I take it, you wanted it to be real?”

Yuuji could be so smart sometimes, you mentally laughed.

“That’s the thing, Yuuji. I do, but I also don’t. But I do, but. . . I need advice, okay.”

“Duh. Tell me from the beginning.” Yuuji situated himself in a comfortable position, with his legs crossed on your table, and his arms resting on the back of the couch. He had a feeling he was going to be here for a long time.

You hesitantly started by explaining your curse. And how it’s been a dream of yours since forever to be able to make macaroni and cheese with someone you loved. But, you just never had an opportunity to do that, because you couldn’t get a partner who liked macaroni and cheese like you did.

“So, one day, when I was especially bored, and Sukuna was over at my place, I told him all of what I just told you. And, I brought up my idea on how I could get rid of my ‘curse’ and, surprisingly, he agreed to it. We would get into a fake relationship—because he liked macaroni and cheese—and cross our fingers and pray that the gods above would lift my curse and grant me a boyfriend who fit my rubric.”

Yuuji looked conflicted. “But Sukuna doesn’t like. . . Never mind, continue.”

“Later that night, we went out for drinks at a bar. I ran into a friend of mine, Eileen Mifune, and coincidentally, she was with her cousin, Naoki Ito. He’s, like, this super adorably dorky guy. Copper hair, super shy when we first met, you get the vision. But, yeah. We exchanged numbers, since I thought he was a nice guy, y’know?”

Yuuji nodded, completely engaged in your story.

“The next day, Sukuna and I watched Pride and Prejudice—”

“Let me guess, Sukuna was being a dick about the movie and everything in it?”

“Bingo. So, we watched Pride and Prejudice. Or, at least, we tried to. Uhm. . . Some things came up, and we may or may not have gotten a bit carried away and started. . . We kissed. Like, a lot. And I liked it. I really liked it.”

“Is that the conflict?”

“No, there’s more. We were interrupted by Naoki calling me, and he was asking to see me. Wanted me to show him around the city, or something. Did I mention he was looking for a place to stay? Sorry. But, anyway, I agreed.

“We were walking to a restaurant I knew, since he doesn’t have a car, when out of the blue, it started raining. We agreed to walk back to my place, since the restaurant was still a lot farther, and we ended up making macaroni and cheese together.”

“Like you’ve always wanted? Isn’t that a good thing, then?”

“. . .It should’ve been. Moving on, the next day, I invited Sukuna over, and I proposed that we should start seeing other people, since, at the time, I thought Naoki was interested in me, and that I was interested in him. Sukuna ended up agreeing.

“We told the cousins we had simply lost interest in each other, and I started going on dates with Naoki. We hung out pretty often. And, from what I’ve assumed, Sukuna did the same with Eileen.

“Some time later, I invited Sukuna over, and we made macaroni and cheese while he told me the story of that catastrophic Thanksgiving dinner you guys had. My condolences to Choso, by the way,” you added.

“Ohh, yeah, that.” Yuuji scratched the back of his neck. “I still feel bad about that.”

“Uh huh. Anyway. . . Oh! I found out he watched Sausage Party!”

“For real? I’ve been nagging him for years, though, so can’t say I’m surprised.”

“We kissed . . . after eating the mac n’ cheese, and he stayed the night.

“The next day, I invited Naoki over. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and. . . I said yes, because I didn’t know what else to say, to be honest. And, it did feel like I was obligated to. I’m just. . . I’m really confused, Yuuji.”

“Would you have said ‘yes’ if Sukuna wasn’t part of the story?”

“. . .I wouldn’t have met Naoki if Sukuna wasn’t part of the story.”

“Don’t be like that. I mean in general.”

“No, I wouldn’t have said ‘yes’ because . . . I don’t love Naoki like I thought I did.”

Yuuji sighed, “Well, there’s your answer. This Naoki guy just isn’t the one for you.”

“So. . . Sukuna came over—I didn’t invite him, by the way—and he was . . . with Eileen.”

“That one blondie?”

You nodded, looking at your lap.

“What a bitch,” Yuuji shook his head.

“We decided to have a double-date? I don’t know. A movie was put on, and I went to go make popcorn. Sukuna came with; one thing led to another, and we kissed. . . I loved it. But, I felt guilty, because. . . I was in a relationship with another guy. Fuck, of course I felt guilty! I was cheating for God’s sake!” You groaned, holding your head in your hands.

Yuuji hummed, “That’s kind of a dick move on your part, not gonna lie.”

Your head snapped to Yuuji’s. “I know! That’s the whole point. I know, and I still did it. And, if time was rewound, I probably would have done the same thing. God. And you know the worst part? We broke up right after. I told Sukuna about how we shouldn’t have been . . . y’know, kissing, and he just. . . We broke up. The arrangement’s off.

“I lost a fake boyfriend, and I lost a real friend. All in the same day.”

“That’s. . . I don’t even know what to say to you. So, as for Naoki?”

“I broke up with him yesterday. I got deja vu being with Naoki. I felt like he wasn’t the first boyfriend I had that liked macaroni and cheese. It was as if I was reliving something I had already gone through. It just didn’t sit right with me.”

“And you did something about that?”

You paused. “Well . . . yeah. I broke up with him.”

“Sheesh, that’s the shortest lasting relationship you’ve ever had. And probably the shortest one in history, too.”

“Yuuji,” you deadpanned, “be serious.”

“Okay, okay,” he raised his hands in defense. “You couldn’t, like, explain everything to him or something? You guys could just get back together. For real, this time.”

“Not exactly. . . I mean, just look at me, I’m currently a fucking mess. I’m more confused than I’ve ever been. I couldn’t bring myself to tell Sukuna how I really felt, because . . . I just don’t think . . . I would be good for him.”

“Are you telling me? Or are you trying to tell yourself that?” 

“. . .” You didn’t know.

Yuuji said your name with full confidence, “I know my brother. I’ve known him my whole life. And I know, that, you were the best and the worst thing to happen to him. (That’s a compliment.) There will never ever be another girl like you. Not in this lifetime. Not in this universe. Not ever. So be rational, goddamnit. Sukuna won’t settle for less. And he’s as stubborn as a mule. What you did was wrong, but you can always change the ending of a story if you really put your mind to it.

“Call him. Text him. But whatever you do, do the apologizing and explaining in person. I will personally help you and abduct him, if that’s what it will take.

“I really like you and my brother together; I’m selfish, I know. But everyone is a little self-seeking every once in a while, and I’m sure Sukuna would at least hear you out. So don’t sweat it, kid.” Yuuji patted you on the shoulder encouragingly, before sitting up and cracking his back after sitting for what seemed like forever.

-

You ended up passing up Yuuji on his ingenious idea of kidnapping Sukuna. If you were going to fix things, you were going to do it unaided. There have been too many people involved by now; you just wanted it to be Sukuna and you and the stars in the night sky. Uninterrupted by any phone calls, and any other thoughts that snaked their way into your brain.

“What . . . is this?” Sukuna raised a brow, inspecting the plate of food in your hands.

“You cooked for me . . . a lot, back then. I just . . . wanted to repay the favor?” You tried.

“So why is the ketchup on the omurice spelling out the word ‘sorry’? I’m not a mind reader, y’know. Explain,” Sukuna crossed his arms.

“It’s an apology. For you. I’m apologizing to you, Sukuna, for being so utterly stupid these two weeks. Please, let me explain. So I can sound like less of a dick.”

“Be my guest.”

Despite Yuuji’s assurance, you still feared Sukuna would hang up your call or leave your texts on read. So, you did the next best thing. You had shown up to Sukuna’s door completely unannounced. With a plate of a traditional Japanese dish—omurice—in your grasps, which you knew Sukuna had a soft spot for. People usually do a design with the ketchup, and you . . . decided to write the word sorry.

You followed Sukuna inside, and the both of you walked onto the balcony, where you could have some peace and quiet to explain yourself with no interruptions. There was the occasional flutter of the wind, and the sounds of birds having fun in the sky, but that was it. And that was enough.

Clearing your throat, you began—with the plate of food still in your hands. “I’ve been really stupid. And ignorant. And. . . I’m sorry.

“I don’t know why, but, I’ve always pushed away the idea that I loved you. And, that was dumb. Because I really loved you. Love, I mean. I know that’s kind of frank, and maybe even a little cheesy to hear and say, but, I don’t regret saying it. To you, at least.

“We got into this relationship for my benefit. And I never batted an eye to how you felt. That was egotistical of me. A dick move. And I’ve realized that.

“I’ve been stupid since the beginning of this. I mean, what type of person comes up with the idea that they’re cursed to never date someone interested in macaroni and cheese?” you joked.

Sukuna sighed. “You know, I agreed to your ‘curse removal’ thing because I never experienced true romantic love. But, in the end, you only gave me my first experience of true romantic heartbreak.”

“Uhm, yeah, I’m—I’m really, really sorry, Sukuna. Feelings always confuse me, and—and I didn’t say yes to being Naoki’s girlfriend because I loved him. It’s you who I feel that way towards. . .” you cringed at yourself. “I dragged you into this mess; and I fucked up. I just want you to know, that, me agreeing to be Naoki’s girlfriend was only because I didn’t know how to say otherwise. I felt . . . obligated? to say ‘yes’ and so I did. But, love isn’t really my strong suit. And, I know it sounds cheesy to say this, but, taking everything into account, this kind of reminds me of what Plato wrote about soulmates. 

“That, humans used to originally have four arms, four legs, and two faces. Until, as a punishment for our pride, Zeus split humans in half. And now, we’re left destined to walk the earth searching for our other half.” 

You sighed, exhausted with guilt.

“Yeah, I messed up, really bad, and you may hate me forever now—I wouldn’t blame you—but, I think I’ll always be drawn back to you. And,” you paused, looking up at the moon above, “I can’t say I’m complaining. As long as it’s you I’m destined to.”

Sukuna remained silent throughout the whole time you explained yourself. He felt . . . conflicted, to say the least. He knew he shouldn’t forgive you, but his heart ached, and longed. Sukuna had spent the days apart from you reflecting and going over everything that happened. And, in conclusion, he still loved you. Honestly, if you stabbed him and removed the blade before doing the same thing, Sukuna would probably still love you.

His stomach churned, and his eyebrows furrowed, as his turmoil consumed most of him.

“This might be a bad time to say this, but,” Sukuna turned to you, whispering, “I only liked macaroni and cheese because I ate it with you. You made the meal enjoyable, because we ate it together. As a couple, as friends, whatever. And, in full honesty. . . I fucking hate macaroni and cheese.”

Sukuna expected you to respond in shock, maybe even curse him out a bit, but you didn’t. At least, you didn’t let any emotion show on your face. Instead, you merely continued staring at the stars and the moon in the inky, dark night sky. Silent, eyes unblinking, and body unmoving.

The curse was never about macaroni and cheese. It was about true love. Those relationships with other people who liked macaroni and cheese weren’t successful because they were all with the wrong person. You weren’t cursed. You were in love, without knowing it.

“Look up, Sukuna,” you whispered, entirely focused on the stars. “Don’t you think. . .” 

Your voice trailed off, but Sukuna finished your sentence for you.

“The moon is beautiful tonight, isn’t it?”

“. . .Yes. Yes, it is.”

Love truly was the most twisted curse of all.

𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐒

A/N: ngl, i feel like i kinda rushed this ending, but im glad its done so whatever. here are some details you might've missed <3

[olderthannetfic]

that anon's post about how different posting fic used to be got me thinking about my own experiences in old fandom, and man... i hate to say it, but sometimes i kinda miss writing before third wave feminism got big online. i say that as a feminist myself. i feel like some of the Anti stuff we see today comes partly from misunderstandings and strawmanning of legitimate theory and observation, especially when it comes to the topic of sexuality. the thing that especially stands out to me is online horror. when i was younger, it seemed like you could get away with pretty much whatever horrible thing you wanted, and everyone kind of understood that EVERYTHING was on the table and if you're uncomfortable with some of it you just need to move on. and one thing that's brought me a lot of comfort as an SA victim was the over-the-top, stupidly horrible SA in creepypasta and darkfic. but now even the places with the most messed up content, where that's the entire appeal, has tons of people saying "oh yes all of the murder and gore was great but did it really NEED the SA elements? that could make it so unapproachable for victims" yeah so could literally everything else in this game, joseph, it's not supposed to be for everybody. it's hard to get all my thoughts in one place but when i look back on my time online, i see a through-line from "we should be more thoughtful about how we write women" to "why is the trauma always SA" to "yknow what don't EVER write SA unless that HAS to be what happened", which... again, that's my comfort zone. it's nice, being in a place where we don't pretend like death and torture are the only threats that could be hunting you. and more and more i find myself losing that ground! every time i find a new fandom that should be cool because it's right there in the media, i'm again hit with "mmm did we really NEED that though?" to be clear i do think you should warn for that, just like you should warn for psyche horror and gore and all that. but idk, when i can't even write mild dubcon without people screaming "think of the victims!!", i feel like nobody actually cares about us. because if they did, wouldn't we be allowed to write about the experiences...? apply them to the characters we related to, even? but nah, clearly we're just romanticizing shit and stereotyping women. fucking hell, man!

--

[quillkiller]

divorced teen mom lily and trans snape reunion fucks so hard i love lesbian snily please save me

genuinely makes my brain go so crazy… lily would see their childhood friendship through completely different eyes..,,,

sev is this tall confident woman and lily can barely believe it’s her childhood best friend at first because sev was always this socially awkward uncomfortable in her own skin-kid, and here’s this radicalized dyke with her long hair and blazers and ties… while lily is the one who has ’’’’’’let herself go’’’’’’’ <- term i hate but i dont know how else to describe it lmao. like she married her high school sweetheart and immediately had a kid and resigned herself to a life of being the perfect mother and perfect wife. until it all fell apart and she just couldnt keep going….. and now she want to go to university and she’s raising harry in a shitty flat off campus, trying to balance everything and find her way back to herself…….. she’s an absolute MESS !!! trying her best to GET BY !!!! but sev takes one look at her after years of not seeing her or talking to her and her heart is in her throat. her childhood best friend and first love and immeditaley realising she Never Got Over It. and same with lily.. she takes one look at sev after all these years and is soooooo overcome with how much she missed her. how everything just went sooooooo wrong with them and neither of them could be HONEST with each other as they started getting older and not being able to explain to each other how they dont like the person the other one was becoming (while neither of them wanted to even BE what they were becoming!!!!!!)…. lily giving up on her dreams for this jock she claimed to HATE !!! and sev falling into the wrong crowd and feeling like she had something to prove because of her upbringing ……. what if severus is a TA in lilys class and she walks in with all her lesbian swagger and lily with her messy hair and baby food stained shirt nearly falls from her seat ……

and here they meet again…. given a second chance…

[hannahssimblr]

Her shoulders begin to shake with her sobs. “I hate this,” she says. “I hate all this bloody change all at once.”

“I know.”

Startled, we both look up as the patio door opens. Evie slips out. Perhaps she is looking for me, but she diverts her course and begins collecting the empty plates on the table instead. She goes back into the kitchen. 

“Fuck sake,” says Jen, swiping at her face like she could shove the tears back where they came from. “Here I am, crying at you, after Evie’s already cried at you, and who knows who else, Jesus Christ.”

“It’s alright. There’s a kind of sad, crying vibe in the air these days.”

She laughs. “Except you, right? You’ve not shed a tear.”

“I’ve cried,” I say mysteriously. “Just not tonight.”

“You will.”

“I don’t think so. To be honest, I’ve been feeling a bit numb in general.”

“Makes sense. I wish I was.”

“No, you don’t.”

She rests her head on my shoulder. It’s a familiar, specifically Jen kind of action, the feel of that soft, warm cheek through my t-shirt and the smell of her shampoo. This action is one she’s repeated a thousand times before, like when we watch a film, or when she’s tired, or sad, or wants to talk about her day, or read a book with me and comment on it without context. I know it will be the last time for a while. 

“I’ll miss you,” she says. “I think I’m going to miss all of this time in my life when it’s gone.”

“Nah, things will get better than this. Don’t hold these years up as the best you’ll ever have. That’s depressing.”

“Do you think we’ll romanticise our teens some time in the future? Whether we’ll think about how young and gorgeous we were, all the fun we had, and give absolutely anything to get it back?”

I chuckle. “No. I’ve hated this mess. There’s barely anything I’d like to preserve.”

“Except me.”

“Yeah, except you, exactly as you are. Obviously. I’d keep you in a glass jar if I could and take you all over the world in my bag.”

Evie crosses the kitchen window with another handful of bowls, and we both watch her slot them neatly into the dishwasher. “And her,” says Jen. “You’d keep her too.”

“Jen.”

“Wouldn’t you?”

“Of course not.”

“I think that if you had half a brain, you would.”

It’s true. This girl that I watch through the window, with whom I spent just a summer, has trusted me with her dreams. Those whispered to me in a parked, idling car. Her secrets, she revealed as we lay on the grass under a canopy of blossoming trees. There are parts of me only she has seen. I know that if the timing were different, and a girl like this would have me, I would build my world around her, but we’re too young, and by the time I met her, it was already much too late.

She flits around the kitchen until she’s cleared away the last dish, and then with idle hands, for one moment, she stands and stares out the window. I know she is looking for me, and won’t see me in the dark, yet I feel like there’s a frisson between us. It’s striking and strange. It’s some sort of knowing. We are watching one another with a stillness, like two animals of the same species spotting one another in the wild. 

Then she turns and is swallowed up by the darkened hallway behind her. 

Beginning // Prev // Next

[ironladders]

zaterran/saurian lore masterpost (all games)

these are mostly meant to be notes for myself so i don't have to constantly check the fandom wiki because i hate using that website, but anyone can use this post as a guide or reference point. there is only so much information about zaterra and its people, but i tried to compile and summarize everything we do have.

if i missed anything, or got something wrong, let me know.

note: i will be referring to them as only zaterrans just to make this easier. midway couldn't decide on a name, and nrs was stuck on that for a while too—but now that mk1 has seemingly settled this, i refuse to go back and forth between them all.

history

original & alternate timelines:

millions of years ago, zaterrans lived on earthrealm, being a bipedal people descended from dinosaurs. unlike their dinosaur ancestors, they had evolved more intelligent brains and were able to thrive as a proper society. however, when shinnok turned against his fellow elder gods and came into conflict with raiden, the following battle was so disastrous that it triggered the K-T event on earthrealm that wiped out the dinosaurs and almost all life on earthrealm. the surviving zaterrans fled the disaster and were split into two: some of them left earthrealm to reside in a realm called zaterra ("new earth") in hopes of rebuilding their culture, and the rest took refuge underground in hollow earth.

for the zaterrans that were displaced, things were fine for a while, until shao kahn came along to conquer their realm. the zaterrans lost the effort against the emperor, and following the trend of other realms that have been conquered by shao — such as edenia, vaeturnus, osh-tekk, and arnyek — zaterra was absorbed into outworld. after this, the zaterrans left were taken into slavery and driven to near extinction. it's not known exactly when shao took zaterra, or how long it took for the zaterrans to start dying out out, but syzoth's mortal kombat 2 bio mentions that his race was believed to be extinct "millions of years ago." in addition, the few remaining zaterrans alive don't actually remember these events happening.

as for the zaterrans that fled to hollow earth, they managed to endure and thrive underground without any interference. there is not much information on their history or what they experienced in hollow earth, other than that they went undetected and are ruled over by a matriarch.

the new era:

in liu kang's new era, zaterra is part of outworld, making zaterrans now native to outworld instead of residing in the realm as a result of conquest. adding to this, there's now more than one species: instead of being different terms to refer to the same group, "zaterran" and "saurian" are now two separate species from one another. the difference between them has not been elaborated on yet. syzoth's mk1 bio calls zaterrans "one of the reptiloid races which lives on outworld's fringes", so whether there are more reptiloid groups outside of zaterrans and saurians is also up to debate.

zaterrans are no longer a near-extinct race, but they still face hardship and are heavily discriminated against. the full history of zaterran-outworld relations in the new era is unknown, but several of syzoth's intros indicate that they once thrived above ground in outworld, before being herded underground by "warmbloods"/non-reptilians. they, along with saurians, now reside in outworld's subterranean areas. why exactly they were driven underground has not been explained yet, but the history there has resulted in both groups hating one another; outworlders are openly bigoted to zaterrans such as syzoth, while warmbloods are generally unwelcome in zaterra.

zikandur has been brought up in some lines, most likely being an area in zaterra where lots of outworld’s reptilian people currently live. its history is unexplored, aside from mentioned past events like the zikandurian floods. it is apparently at risk of being invaded by the kytinn, though why the latter are doing that is also unknown.

at some point in time, a policy was passed in the zaterran government to kill all zaterran shapeshifters. the reasoning behind this and how long ago it started is unknown but considering that syzoth was bullied relentlessly for his shapeshifting mutation, knowledge of zaterran shapeshifters must have faded from the general public after this order was first carried out. in general, zaterra's government is implied to be extremely corrupt.

many zaterrans are dissatisfied with the royal family, either attempting to start or joining rebellion efforts. after his bloody escape from lei chen prison, general shao has been recruiting these dissatisfied zaterrans to join his rebel army in outworld, with the goal of overthrowing mileena's rule.

biology

original & alternate timelines:

the design of zaterrans changed over the games, but they were generally depicted as green (though this also varies, i.e in the case of khameleon) bipedal humanoids with scales, claws, and lizard-shaped heads. they are also close to size of the average human as well. similar to chameleons and frogs, zaterrans have tongues that can extend far beyond their body to catch prey. zaterrran saliva is acidic, able to be used in kombat as a attack/defense mechanism and possibly to help digest food. this acid is very strong, able to melt right through flesh. for some reason, their blood is green.

a zaterran's diet differs from the average human one, mainly consisting of live bugs/insects/worms, but raw meat (including humans) is also on the table. zaterrans are able to make themselves and others around them invisible.

in the first two timelines, all zaterrans possessed the ability to shapeshift between their true forms and more human-like appearances. there is a catch to this, though: their society is matriarchal, and any zaterran who spends too long away from a matriarch & her influence will devolve, losing their ability to maintain a human disguise. this will also negatively impact the mental state of the affected zateerran. however, if they make their way back to the matriarch, the ability to look human and general sanity will return.

alongside all of this, there is a card in mortal kombat mobile that confirms they can regenerate their limbs.

the new era:

in the new era, zaterran biology is generally similar to how it was in the previous timelines, but with some changes.

for starters, these new zaterrans are bigger and more animalistic-looking than their old versions. they are still able to walk on two legs, but one of the moves syzoth's boss has in his invasions season confirms that they can also run around on all four legs. the previous games flip-flopped on whether or not to give zaterrans tails, but in mortal kombat 1 they have tails again—these are used by zaterrans to grab and move things, essentially like a fifth limb.

i have no clue if their actual limbs can still regenerate or not.

outside of these small changes, there is one very significant one in the new era: the average zaterran is no longer able to shapeshift. there are some zaterrans who are able to shapeshift between a human form and reptiloid form, but those who hatch with this mutation are not accepted by their people and often bullied, run out of their homes, or killed. they also don't seem to be matriarchal anymore.

all known members

original & alternate timelines:

SYZOTH/REPTILE:

a long-lasting franchise staple and the most well-known zaterran in the series, syzoth — better known as his codename "reptile" — lived a long life of servitude. original timeline: syzoth was one of the last surviving members of his species, desperate to find a way to bring back his people. syzoth loyally served shang tsung and shao kahn, who kept his loyalty with the promises of restoring the zaterran race. ironically, shao was the one who caused the extermination of his people, but syzoth did not know about this. after shao was murdered by the deadly alliance, syzoth wandered around before he turned to serving nitara (who he'd ran into previously and gotten his kirehashi blade from), as he did not know how to live without serving a master. nitara accepted him, but unbeknownst to syzoth, she too was deceiving him. the vaeternian manipulated syzoth into battling cyrax, damaging the cyborg, which in turn would help with nitara's goal of getting the portal sphere. when syzoth eventually realized he was being used, he was enraged and chased after nitara and cyrax to the lava shrine, but arrived too late. the only thing there was the egg of onaga. it hatched, shining a beam of light onto syzoth, making his body become a vessel for the dragon king. much later, when shujinko defeated onaga and his soul was bound to the netherrealm by nightwolf, syzoth was once again able to have free will and gain control of his own body. he was seen in the red dragon's lair for unknown reasons (most likely trying to create hybrids that would restore his race), and joined the forces of darkness at the battle of armageddeon. he was killed at the battle, along with the majority of the other fighters. alternate timeline: thanks to the reset by raiden, syzoth was back to serving shao kahn and shang tsung, fighting against the earthrealmers in the tournament and later battles. after losing the tournament, syzoth knew that shao kahn would not take kindly to this failure and kept his guard up. he was proven right when the osh-tekk warrior kotal was sent to assassinate him in his sleep; however, to syzoth's surprise, kotal spared his life and didn't go through with killing him. the following morning, shao kahn formally introduced the two, saying that kotal had hand-picked syzoth to serve under his command. from there, kotal earned syzoth's genuine loyalty. when shao died and mileena seized the throne, kotal declared a coup against her. syzoth was at his side during this, taking a blow for him, and continued to loyally serve afterwards. understanding that kotal saw value in him where shao did not, syzoth was committed to serving the new ruler of outworld as a close follower and friend. his whereabouts and status after the events of mortal kombat X are unknown, outside of a few mentions in intros and a small appearance in the krypt from mortal kombat 11.

KHAMELEON:

debuting in mortal kombat trilogy as a secret character, khameleon was the last known female member of her race. unlike syzoth, khameleon actually knew the truth of their people's history. however, because she chose to fight for earthrealm and wished to slay shao, this meant the last surviving members of the zaterran race were mortal enemies. at some point, khameleon set out to search for syzoth. she spent a long time looking for him, wishing to inform him that shao kahn was responsible for their race's extinction, and try to start a new generation of zaterrans. once she found him and reveal the truth, syzoth initially agreed to help her kill the emperor—only for him to fall under shao's influence once again, turning against khameleon. she escaped and wandered the realms until she heard of a battle that would happen in edenia, with the victor being given the prize of ultimate power. khameleon knew that shao kahn getting this would be disastrous and joined the forces of light in the battle of armageddon. along with the rest of the fighters, khameleon died at the pyramid. while she was referenced a few times and even made a brief cameo in the background of mortal kombat 9, khameleon's whereabouts and history after raiden's timeline reset are unknown.

CHAMELEON (unconfirmed):

debuting in the same game khameleon did as a fellow secret fighter, ch-ameleon never actually got a storyline or arcade ending in mortal kombat trilogy, unlike his female counterpart. the only information about chameleon at the time was that he was mentioned to be "one of shao kahn's deadliest warriors." it took until chameleon's next appearance to finally get a (extremely vague) backstory: supposedly, he was present at every major event in the games dating back to liu kang's victory in the tournament, but constantly kept himself hidden and watched everything unfold while waiting for "his moment" to arrive. he fought with the forces of darkness at the battle of armageddon, dying at the pyramid with everyone else. chameleon's presence in the alternate timeline is also miniscule. in mortal kombat x, one of syzoth's mirror match intros will have him question if the counterpart in front of him is chameleon, implying the two know each other. in addition, chameleon falls to his death in mortal kombat 11's krypt, but the canon status of the krypt is debatable. other than this, there's no information on him. the reason that chameleon's status as a zaterran is marked as "unconfirmed" is because.... uh, it has never been outright stated he is one in any game. considering he shares traits with khameleon, who is a zaterran, chameleon being one himself would make sense. there is also the fact that syzoth mistakes his mirror match for chameleon, further alluding to him being a fellow reptilian. in addition, mortal kombat co-creator john tobias has said that his original intention was for chameleon to be a fellow zaterran, but this information just didn't make it into any of the games for some reason. at the same time, if chameleon was a member of the zaterran race, this would directly contradict established information about syzoth being the last living male zaterran. i don't know, man, the devs do not care about this guy and it shows.

QUEEN SYTHOLIN:

presumably the former ruler of zaterra, before shao kahn conquered the realm. no information about her exists, but sytholin's blade — one of the few remaining zaterran relics — can be found inside of goro's treasure chamber in the mortal kombat 11 krypt; according to its description, the wielder can control the minds of smaller reptilians and have them obey the user's will.

the new era:

SYZOTH/REPTILE:

unlike his previous iterations, mortal kombat 1's syzoth is not in a desperate cycle of trying to restore his race. however, he was run out of his homeland of zaterra after being relentlessly bullied for his shapeshifting mutation. up until his arcade ending, syzoth believed he was the only one of his kind who possessed this ability. syzoth joined a traveling carnival to profit on his shapeshifting skill, even marrying an unnamed woman with whom he had a son with. him and shang tsung crossed paths, and when the latter asked to experiment on him, syzoth denied the offer. but shang tsung took syzoth's family hostage anyways, using them to keep him obedient in being a slave; from there, he was experimented on and aided in shang's inhumane experiments on others, all for the sake of his family. that went on for months, before the earthrealmers and baraka were captured and fought their way out of shang tsung's laboratory. syzoth tried to stop them, knowing that if he didn't his family would be killed, but lost the battle to baraka. after this, syzoth learned the truth: his wife and son had already been killed devastated by this, but also understanding that there was nothing keeping him under shang tsung's thumb anymore, syzoth escaped into the living forest with the other men. from there they met ashrah, attempted to stop the sorcerer quan chi from activating his soul stealer in the living forest—but despite failing at that the group still captured him with the intention of bringing him to earthrealm for questioning. to help his companions escape, syzoth disrupted the shivai ranatai festival in sun do and fought off several other characters, providing enough of a diversion for everyone to flee the realm (without quan chi, who managed to get away). it's not known what syzoth did for the remainder of the main story after arriving in earthrealm, but in his tower ending it's revealed that mileena appointed him as her emissary as thanks for helping unveil the truth behind shao and shang's plans. with his renewed political status protecting him, syzoth journeyed home to zaterra, where he discovered the conspiracy by the zaterran government to exterminate all shapeshifters. at some point after the main story's events, syzoth entered a romantic relationship with ashrah, but the details of how this began are (sadly) currently unknown. (more info TBA if khaos reigns gives me anything else)

KHAMELEON:

in the new era, khameleon is no longer the last female zaterran alive. in fact, khameleon isn't even the same species as syzoth anymore. an intro with takeda reveals that khameleon is a saurian, which is said to be distinct from zaterrans. the details of khameleon's life are largely unknown, but she is a member of the umgadi, a group of warrior priestesses. umgadi members are selected from firstborn women in outworld, taken as infants to be raised as one and train to protect outworld's royal family. khameleon was seen throughout the main story assisting tanya in fights against percieved threats to the royal family. she is probably a fellow reptilian shapeshifter, but unlike syzoth she keeps strictly to a human form. (more info TBA if khaos reigns gives me anything else)

ARCHDUKE MAHAZZEM:

only being mentioned once in a syzoth/sindel intro, mahazzem is one of zaterra's many archdukes. the only known details about mahazzem is that sindel considered him to be a friend, but this "friendship" was a mask. in truth, he secretly plotted to betray sindel and rebel against her rule. (more info TBA if any intros or even KR, while unlikely, gives me anything else)

OTHER POSSIBLE MEMBERS: erlac dicharr, nareb nevets, hatigo mesgo, sever nahhan, sykin foh

these are names from syzoth's gear that could be of other reptiloids, as they don't really sound like locations or events, and i don't think they're references to real-life things as nothing comes up when i google them. but at the same time i'm not entirely sure, so take this last bit with a very large grain of salt

k thats all for now byeeeee

[tom-is-online]

not to be rude but ena and akito are. completely different in terms of personality and overall character😭 maybe someone likes akito but doesn’t fw ena’s personality or whatever. it’s fine

reacting to THIS POST

I don't know what you're reading, but I would never describe them as completely different. Sure, they ARE different characters, but if anything is similar about them, it is their personalities and the role they play in the story.

They are both very dedicated and passionate about their corresponding passions despite neither of them having "natural talent." Instead of giving up, they keep working hard to show themselves that they can follow the path they want to despite what others (Vivid Street (Arata) in Akitos's case and their dad in Ena's) around them have to say about it.

They're both very blunt whether they mean to be rude or not, but they both also care a lot about the people around them, especially their units and each other even if they don't show it in normal ways.

Their inferiority in their talents also brings the fact that both of them experience jealousy for people who show they have more talent which is shown in both of their focus events a lot

Neither of them is very academically gifted mostly through a lack of interest

And theres a lot more which im sure someone less tired than me would love to tell me in the notes :)

the 4komas even riff on them often acting very similar

+ Their BNW quotes literally mean the same thing

the whole thing with them both really like cheesecake and pancakes but hate carrots is also meant to be a nod to their similarities

people have a tendency to demonise Ena for being mean or violent or whatever people want to call her. but what Ena is usually criticised for Akito typically isn't (cough cough this fanbase has a history of being very male-biased which I hate)

Akito is also mean, he was a dick to everyone in his unit in the main story at some point and he often pulls pranks on the people in his school (Tsukasa) just to highlight a few easy things

AND FOR THE VIOLENT THING.

People have a tendency to highlight Ena scratching Akito when she was stressed out in middle school. and not to generalise. but. i am convinced you people are only children AND did not read the VBS main story

siblings fight, it's normal, especially in a household like the Shinonomes with the whole emotionally neglectful dad thing they got going on, i fought with my brother a lot as a kid and it happens. I'm not saying it's great and everyone should be attacking their siblings but the people who focus on Ena scratching Akito seem to magically forget.

AKITO PUNCHED TOYA HARD ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE BRUISED IN THE MAIN STORY.

I've seen people make the argument that Akito can be excused cuz of the circumstances it happened being stressful and made him angry. But that clearly ignores what Ena was going through in middle school.

saying "Ena scratching Akito was a common occurrence but Akito only punched someone once" just does not feel like a good enough argument at all.

the last post gave a good argument on it so just go read that to lmao

I'll say it again. stop babying the male characters. if you're gonna excuse Akito punching Toya in the head and not excuse Ena when she was in MIDDLE SCHOOL then I don't know what to tell you

anyway.

i think a large part of their dynamic is carried by their similarities - they share a lot of the same key traits and they tend to but heads due to it but they do care about each other a lot in their own sibling way. I also just relate to them both a lot lmao

if someone wants to make a legitimate argument for how the Shinonomes are very different in personality, be my guest feel free to rb with what you think

but in my opinion at the VERY LEAST they share so much of their personalities and with how much Ena is demonised by some of this fandom it's a red flag to me to like Akito and hate Ena.

but yeah please rb with anything else u wanna add cuz I've definitely missed some stuff

[aspoonofsugar]

Hello. Been a while since I last sent an ask to you. I wanted your take on why Vaggie's wing design is different from the other Exorcists. If you look closely, before and after she regained her wings, she is the ONLY exorcist with a single stripe while everyone else (including Adam, I know he's not an Exorcist but still something I've noticed) only have one.

Hi!

Thank you for the ask :) I love Vaggie's design and there is so much to say about it!

Since discussing the whole design would probably need its own meta, I will just focus on the detail you mentioned: Vaggie's wings.

I think their unique pattern comes down to our girl never truly fitting in with the exorcists:

Vaggie: When I saw your face You made me feel like a stranger in a brand new place And it felt so good to be understood

She states Charlie makes her feel understood, which implies she never felt accepted by her previous clique. This makes sense, as the exorcists are a cult, which forces its members to repress their selves. In this context, Vaggie's single black line shows she is different in two ways.

1- The exorcists' black lines mirror Adam's white lines:

Both Adam and his soldiers share two lines per wing. However, the leader's are white, whereas his followers' are black. This difference in color marks the hierarchy within the organization. Adam is white and gold, whereas the exorcists are black and white/silver. He frames himself as superior and forces the girls to be weaker imitations. Well, even in such an environment Vaggie can't completely repress who she is. So, she only gets one line on her wings, which marks her as unfitting, strange and flawed. She does not completely conform to Adam's wishes.

2- The exorcists' black and white color scheme is a metaphor of their black and white morality. Lute is a perfect embodiment of it:

Lute: Angels don't make mistakes.

Vaggie, Lute and all their sisters are taught killing sinners is holy. Angels are good and demons are bad. No questions asked. Still, Vaggie can't accept this mentality and she dares to show pity:

This kicks off her arc, which is all about overcoming the white and black vision that was forced on her. She needs to integrate her shadows:

She sees her shadow covering a terrified child and lets him go. A moment later Lute's shadow looms over her before she is attacked. Vaggie has to reconcile she is both the terrifying exorcist and the wounded child. She is both angel (white) and sinner (black).

Our Hotel Manager's new wings are a physical representation of this integration:

Vaggie gains them, as she channels her energy into love and protection instead than hate and revenge. In particular, she learns to value her own life and survival:

Carmilla: Well, look at that. You might just survive this.

She makes a step into forgiveness and acceptance. The brainwashed victim and the murderous warrior start coming together into someone new and stronger: the real Vaggie. As a result:

Her new wings are silver and gray, rather than white and black

Her new wings have a single line, which is much paler compared to her original black one

In short, Vaggie's wings symbolize her ongoing process of integration with her repressed self. They showcase her evolution and growth into someone new. From pigeon to moth :P

At the same time, something else can be said about Vaggie's stripes. Not her wings' though, but her hair's. Vaggie's hair is shaped after her angelic wings and it has two stripes on it. This is an interesting detail and might symbolize Vaggie's inner desire to belong, either with her old group (the two stripes exorcists) or her new one (the Hazbin Hotel demons). So, she has hair, which:

Hides her scars and identity, as they cover her missing eye and the spot where her wings used to be

Highlights these same things, as her hair is stylized after angelic wings and Vaggie puts an X over her missing eye. It's no surprise that Carmilla easily guesses her identity:

Vaggie: Wait… you know I'm an exorcist? How? Carmilla: You have a giant X over your eye and wield an angelic spear. It's not rocket science.

Just some food for thought! What's sure is that Vaggie's struggle with her exorcist identity is far from over and it strongly impacts her appearance.

Thank you for the ask!

[the-catboy-minyan]

You do realize those pagers killed bystanders, including children? Not that someone with an Israeli flag in their name will care about innocent children dying, go on continue making your jokes.

oh hey the "Jews are baby killers" thing again, thank you! I missed getting antisemitic hate mail 💙

did you mourn when Hezbollah rockets hit a playground, killing 12 Druze children?

do you care that Hezbollah rockets are aimed towards northern Israel almost daily? that over 60k people have been displaced from the north due to the barrage of rockets?

this was a targeted attack on Hezbollah members, do you realize how fucking nuts that an operation like that is? show me a better way to attack with less collateral damage. a pager is meant to send urgent messages, you're supposed to have it on your person at all times, the vast majority of Hezbollah members would have it on them. the explosions were also very contained and caused minimal damage to bystanders and surroundings. you can't make sure a mass ranged attack has 0 collateral damage, but this one is the closest I've ever seen to that 0.

only 8 put of 3000 people have died, which again, it's a targeted attack on Hezbollah members, it's currently 11pm for me so I didn't check if they revealed any data but I can guarantee you that most - if not all of the casualties were active members of Hezbollah.

you already think I'm not human because of the country I live in, so I don't give a fuck, I have nothing to prove to you. we don't even know if it was the IDF/Mossad that launched that attack, but this was a successful operation against a massive and powerful terrorist organisation that is harming both my family in the North and their own fucking people. also fyi if you ever made a 9/11 joke your opinion is invalid to me.

do I care that children were harmed? as much as I care that any child in the world was harmed. I'm more concerned that these children were in such close proximity to terrorists to get hurt. but I thought the "globalize the intifada" crowd were all in favor of "sacrifices" for the Glorious Revolution™, weren't you? or is it only when the victims are jews?

watch me get put on a blocklist for this, because I made a joke about terrorists getting what's coming for them and didn't think of the ~three civilians that got hurt. those weren't even my memes, I reposted them from reddit. frankly I don't care about this blog anymore so like call me a zionazi or whatever rocks your boat.

2/10 for the hatemail

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰

I need this one completed so I can read it in full. I'm holding off on part 1 until you finish. GAH

I am hustling I swear!

129 for ➰:

Tagging @steadfastsaturnsrings

---

Today, Buck’s clumsiness doesn’t get him killed. At least not yet. 

Today, it stops time. Albeit, just briefly.

He’s getting dressed for kayaking. Eddie is in the washroom. He’s reaching down to put on his sandals, balancing on one foot. He’s usually a bit more deft with this, but he’s distracted. Not totally present. He wobbles a bit, bumps into the wall. He feels the old analog clock shift a little, nearly falling off its mount.

Buck turns to steady it, sandal abandoned. He looks up at the clock, which is perhaps half a foot above his head, only to see that this disruption has left it frozen. Arms standing still. No longer ticking away. 

“Fuck,” Buck mumbles. He feels temporarily guilty for breaking something. Then he remembers the damn thing wasn’t telling time correctly anyway. Not like it’s doing any better now. 

He taps the face of the clock once. Twice. Maybe thirty seconds pass in total from the time he bumped it to when it suddenly lurches back to life. Arms jumping back into motion like a pulse hopping back after resuscitation. 

“Huh,” Buck mutters. 

It doesn’t seem very significant, after all. So he resumes putting on his sandals, and doesn’t give it another thought. 

➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰

Half an hour later, they’re sitting on the big patio eating a complimentary hotel breakfast. Chris looks mildly zombified, as per usual. Eddie is dumping extra sugar into his coffee. 

Buck picks at his waffles mildly, staring out at the gorgeous view of the Pacific Ocean. He kind of misses the city. As stupid as that sounds. The loud, crowded, often smelly city. He misses it. His work. His job. 

He needs to get them out of this loop. He needs to get them home. 

➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰

Everything goes by the script. 

Kayaking. Getting thwacked on the head. Icing his head. Bitching about his head. 

They choose the beach. Buck lays on a blanket in the sun. Eddie rubs sunscreen into his back. 

They make it back to the hotel on time. They make it to the restaurant on time. Buck starts to feel the way he usually feels. Lethargic. Numb. Medicated. A little out of his senses and his body. 

“You okay, Buck?” Chris asks as they sit down. “You look sort of spacy.”

“I’ll be okay, Chris,” he lies. “Thanks for asking though.”

“Food will help,” Eddie says, reading his lines just perfectly. 

“Good idea,” Buck mumbles. 

He just orders water tonight. No point asking for something he won’t be able to taste. 

By the time their food gets to them, it’s practically eight. His hands feel a bit wobbly as he cuts into his sea bass. The medicinal-like numbness that he has been feeling has transformed to a pins and needles sort of feeling across his extremities. 

Buck’s hand is shaking a tiny bit when he shoves the forkful of fish into his mouth. This production of a regular meal when he knows they’re about to die is so fucking exhausting. He hates it so much. He resigns himself to the whole fucking charade. He presses the bland, tasteless fish to his tongue. He inhales and smells nothing. The room feels like it’s spinning around him. 

Eddie is watching him. He always watches. Why is he looking at Buck? It’s the first time Buck has wondered this. If they’re all about to die, why isn’t he watching his son? Buck would… Buck would be watching Christopher. 

He opens his mouth to ask. His jaw and lips feel very heavy. 

“Eddie… Why?” He asks. He can barely manage the words.

Eddie frowns. “What do you mean why?”

“You… Just me…”

Eddie’s eyes widen in horror.

Buck slumps forward. His cheek presses hard into the tablecloth. He can’t remember ever doing that before. It all just sort of ended. 

Eddie starts talking, but Buck can only see his lips move. He can’t hear him. He can see Christopher’s face turn red. Tears fill his eyes.

What’s happening? Why is Buck still conscious? Why isn’t it ending? 

Buck’s not sure how long passes. Time isn’t exactly normal for him. It’s thick and painful and wrong. Eventually, he sees black bleeding into the corners of his vision. 

It ends. 

October 6th, 8am

Buck wakes up at eight in the morning, right on the dot. The digital clock on the nightstand is staring him in the face when he opens his eyes. Bold, square red letters. 8:00. 

Last go-around, Buck died. At the restaurant. Thirty seconds or so later than usual, he thinks. And those seconds, despite his addled, dying state, had told him a lot. 

There’s a lot to process. 

So Buck lies rigidly still and tries to think. 

The problem is, Buck thinks he knows the answer. He thinks he knows what’s wrong. He thinks he understands the truth. But if he does, it means Eddie lied. After Buck begged him to be honest. And if he did, then getting out of here is both simpler and insurmountably more complicated than Buck thought. He doesn’t want to be right. He wants to be misjudging things terribly. But he can’t escape all the little pieces of evidence stacking up. All their conversations. 

Taking care of you, even in small, silly ways, is a privilege. I’m lucky. I want to do it.

Yeah. Buck knows. Of course he knows. He’s just not sure why he didn’t really get it, sooner. Why he didn’t think Eddie was capable of this. He knows the man he loves. Knows how good he is at taking a detour around an issue and driving forward with persistence anyway. 

“Buck?” 

Eddie has woken up. 

He has woken up and noticed that Buck didn’t wake up. He has woken up and probably remembered what happened. Remembered the extra seconds. He must be putting the opposite ends of the pieces together as Buck is. Realizing what Buck is realizing. 

“It’s just me, isn’t it,” Buck whispers.

[joedirtymadre]

Honeymoon Phase

AIZAWA X READER! (FLUFF!) Hope you enjoy! (Accepting requests!!)

You laid across your couch, reading a new book you grabbed after work. You sighed to yourself, you tried to concentrate on your book, but couldn’t shake off your built up frustration… “Ughh, I’ve reread this page 4 times already and I don’t even know what it’s about!” You groaned as you tossed it onto the side table. You sat up and immediately began bouncing your leg, “It’s been 2 months… 2 whole months… I know the honeymoon stage dies, but this badly?” You sighed as you sat back.

You stared at your wedding photo of you and Shota, “We’ve always been obsessed with each other… but he’s died down drastically… in the span of 2 months. We’ve barely been married for a year and he’s already tired of me? I miss the nights he would…” you felt your cheeks burn as you would think back to those long nights. You stood up and walked over to your bathroom, staring into the mirror. You analyzed your face, body, and hair, “Maybe he thinks I’ve let myself go…” You said to yourself softly.

Suddenly an idea popped into your brain. “I’ll surprise him! Though he hates surprises… but it’ll be fine! Where’s my makeup?” You asked excitedly. Hoping you would finish your plan before he arrives home.

You raced to put on some light makeup, a nice black dress, and fixed your hair. You checked the mirror and nodded, “Now onto the kitchen!” you beamed as you raced over to throw on an apron. You decided to make some curry with rice. After cooking you set up the table and placed two hot plates on the table. You looked over at the clock and rushed over to throw your apron in the laundry room. With a minute to spare you topped off your glasses with some wine and stood excitedly by the door. 

Right on time your husband slowly opened the door, “I’m ho-” he stopped himself as he was surprised by your presence. “(Y/N)?” He asked, confused. “Hi honey,” you smiled. “Hey… what’s up with the get up?” He asked as he placed his stuff down. “I-I just wanted to look nice for y-you…” you trailed off. “Ah,” he nodded. “I also made some food,” you smiled excitedly. “Oh no thanks, I had a pretty big lunch at work so I’m not hungry,” he said as he put on his slippers and headed towards the restroom. “O-Oh…” you said softly. “I’m gonna go wash up,” he said as he shut the door behind him. “Kay…” you replied. You slowly walked over to the table and stared at the plates. 

You grabbed them and decided to toss the food in the garbage. “I’m not hungry either…” you whispered to yourself as you cleared the table. Once finishing you headed towards your bedroom to undress and remove your makeup. “So much for a surprise…” you sighed as you looked into your bedroom mirror and stared at your pajamas. 

You walked back to the living room seeing Shota lounging on the sofa reading a book. You decided to continue yours, you grabbed your book and sat on the opposite end of the couch. “Did you put the food into the fridge?” He asked. “No,” you replied. “Did you eat it all?” He asked. “I tossed it,” You responded, not once looking up from your book. “Huh? Why would you do that?” He asked. “You didn’t want it, I didn’t want it. Why wouldn’t I toss it?” You asked. “I would’ve taken it to work,” he replied. You glanced over to him, and noticed the perplexed look on his face. “I wanted to surprise you with a meal, you didn’t want the meal. So I got rid of it, I didn’t want to see it later and think of how you paid no mind to my efforts,” you said coldly. “Efforts? You’re not making any sense (Y/N),” Shota said as he inched closer. 

“What am I saying that’s making it so hard for you to understand? For the past 2 months I’ve received nothing from you, you’ve changed… You used to bring flowers, desserts, tell me I’m pretty, small things like that. But recently everything stopped, I thought I was the problem… Maybe I let myself get too comfortable or let myself go… so I wanted to surprise you, I got dolled up and made a nice meal for us to sit and catch up. But-... It’s fine, it doesn’t matter…” you explained. “(Y/N)...” you heard him trail off, you felt him move closer to you. But making sure you glue your eyes to your book. “(Y/N) please look at me,” he pleaded. “For?” You asked. “(Y/N), please,” he said softly. You knew he was sitting right next to you, you moved your eyes slightly towards him. “Yes?” You asked softly, hoping your voice doesn’t crack.

“I’m sorry… I’ve been so busy with work and the students that I didn’t notice you felt this way,” he said as he cupped your face. “I said it’s fine… Everyone says the honeymoon stage doesn’t last forever. Of course you’d eventually get tired of me,” you said softly as you stared into his eyes. “I would never get tired of you. Please forgive me, I didn’t mean to make you feel like I don’t care about you. You know I’m obsessed with you, I love you,” he said softly as he inched towards you. You placed your finger over his lips, “What makes you think I’ll give you a kiss? 2 months with no kissing, hugging, spooning, or…” you felt your ears burn red as you avoided his eyes. “I’m sorry, please forgive me. I want to make it up to you,” he smiled softly as he placed your hand in his and kissed it. 

“Hmph,” you turned your face, wanting to hide your blush. “Thank you for dinner, it looked delicious,” he smiled. “It did…” you replied. “And… you looked beautiful, I had to hide away in the restroom or else I would’ve…” he trailed off. “Huh?” You asked as you turned to face him. “Well you always look amazing, but you wore that dress I love. How else would you expect me to act, but normally I always keep my cool around you. I didn’t wanna scare you,” he replied as he cupped your face again. “You noticed? I was afraid you thought it was just any black dress,” you laughed. “Of course I noticed, but I’m sorry I didn’t notice how much I’ve been slacking these past few months. I’ll do better, starting now,” he said as he stood up. 

“Right now?” You asked. You watched as he extended a hand out to you, you slowly placed yours in his. He slowly helped you up, but you were soon tossed over his shoulder. “W-Wait! Shota?” You gasped. He then walked towards the kitchen table, “And we’ll be needing this,” he said as he grabbed a wine bottle. “Now let’s go,” he said. “Go?” you asked. “Yeah, you said I haven’t been showing you any attention for the past 2 months. Well I’ll make up for that, right now. Hope you’re ready (Y/N),” He said as he headed towards your bedroom. 

You felt your face burning. Feeling nervous for the night ahead, but you can’t lie to yourself, you’re also really excited for what’s about to come.  

[stars-stripes-and-rockets]

🫡 good day, Soldier! I have a very important question for you, sent straight from the top!

The government needs to know exactly what you think about all of your teammates, if you please.

God speed!

Straight from the top, eh? Well then I have no choice but to answer our president! My team is a group of tough and determined individuals! They have never let me down unless we lose a battle, but then it’s push-ups for everyone. I count on my team to have my back and, by God, they never disappoint! They enjoy killing, like me, and I could not ask for more. You can imagine how at home I felt when I found these Soldiers seeing as they were as blood thirsty as I am. They are good men, great even! On our downtime, they are fun people to be around! We drink, eat, and laugh often! I can only describe most of them as my brothers-in-arms! They are people I would be honored to die next to in the heat of battle!

I guess I should go into detail though.

Demo- He is a great man! Great Demoman! He is my best friend and he gets my love for explosions and war, but he always smells like beer. I find it impressive how strong his liver and willpower is because he drinks daily on the battlefield! He likes bombs, so do I. He likes boots, so do I! We get along well and I trust this man with my life. He is the most down to earth out of all people. We are like beer and pong! I like to spend some of my nights with him either playing cards, drinking, or both! I try to keep this body untainted, but who can resist their best friend’s call for company? Not this soldier! Never in a million years.

Scout- This young man is very awkward, but hides it behind confidence! He talks funny and can do with learning some more respect, but he tries. I think he has a crush on Miss Pauling, but he is not well with ladies! He tries! His speed is exceptional and his battle readiness is on point. I might give him a lesson or two on how to talk less and get to the point.

Pyro- He likes fire. He is passionate. He is…he cut off my hand. I like his style! I just cannot see eye to eye with him! Pyro speaks in muffled tongues, but sometimes I can understand him. Good man, needs to work on communication skills!

Engineer- I like Engie! He’s an amazing toymaker! I have said this, but we hang out in his workshop! He asks me for help because I am the best at following orders, but he teaches me too! I once spent hours in that room and came out as greasy as him on a good day. Sometimes though, I make the mistake of pissing him off and then I get a stern lecture for…uh…I do not know how long! He can really talk your ear off, so don’t be fooled by his southern hospitality! I wish he was more active in the field, but as long as he’s making weapons for our side I cannot complain!

Heavy- This guy is huge and he is an absolute tank in the battlefield! Not literally! I wish we had a tank! He takes damage and eats bullets and rockets like no man I’ve ever seen. Usually they all die! Him? As long as Medic is by his side, they are unstoppable. He does not talk much with me, but he seems to be very smart! I like him and his big gun and his sister! His love for a good, clean fist fight is admirable too. I want to test his strength, but I don’t think he would fight me! A little cowardly if you ask, but I guess fighting my teammates is wrong! I’d settle for an arm wrestle or two.

Sniper- He is one of the best sharpshooters I have ever had! I think he smells a little wet and weird, but that is because of his habit of throwing piss at the enemy! I would not want to be on the other end of that, but I have for a few times. I hate his camper because who wouldn’t want to camp old fashioned and touch your bare ass on the sweet grass of the woods. A soldier must be ready to abandon comfort at any moment! Sniper does like coffee and I cannot refuse a nice cup of Joe in the morning. The mornings with him are nice and laid back, but he has issues that I do not wish to get into!

Spy- I am suspicious of the man. Sometimes he talks in funny riddles and I wish he would be straightforward. His disguise and infiltration skills are like none I have ever seen. HE IS ALSO GOOD AT INTERROGATION, but I think I can stand his method. His little butterfly knife does not scare me! It never will. A small fry like him is no match for my pure, unfiltered bloodlust! He is very…proper, but he just spends money on fancy suits instead of real war clothing. CURSE THE RICH! Who needs class and manners when we’ve got beer and barbecues! I think he is jealous and we do not interact too often, but that is because he thinks I am an idiot! This American brain is just too sharp for him to understand. He does make good points though and corrects my mistakes.

Medic- Our doctor is the best one out there! He is quick to heal our team and dish out phenomenal Übers and gives me well-timed Kritz! Sometimes he likes to brag about his accomplishments and it is amusing! He is excitable, tenacious, and honest. The only thing I do not understand is why he complains about my volume! On the battlefield, it is good to hear your teammates calling for help. Fritz hates when I call him too many times, but to win I need to be in tip top shape! His check ups and talk of experimentation does not appeal to me. I am a healthy American! My mind is the soundest and I have one goal: victory! He calls me crazy, but his words, laughter, and smile is enough to scare Lt. Col. Kenneth Walsh! I think he likes blood more than Pyro likes fire…

I think that is all I have for my teammates! I hope the government approves of my debrief on my troops! Thank you, son, for giving me this information! A salute to you and God bless!