#I miss folks in the discord community!! but I am not such a big fan of the musician anymore rn just kinda grew apart maybe....

[verstappen100]

I get so nervous adding my thoughts in tags 🫣🫧 trying to build up the confidence to yap more. There is so much I want to say!!!!! but I worry about being annoying 😵‍💫💦 but I love when folks leave fun tags on my posts!! ❤️ so I just gotta be brave!! And of course not leaving a Huge essay or thirsting Too much; that's what my posts here are for 😎 💫 but I've been in my Max/Daniel and Carlos/Charles and Carlos/Max feels especially lately 💕 and I want to dive into reading fics soon, too!! I've been going through a transitional phase in life this past month moving to a new apartment and busy work times and 'fun' health surprises, so I don't feel 100% and like....not ready to hop in fully yet? (and I need to get back on my running routine asap I didn't realize how vital it is to my mental!!) Also it's not like I have to do fandom "right" but idk I can only peek in and out until life settles down more & I want to maybe build up some more irl so I can engage more fully and earnestly 🏡🌤️ Okay don't mind me hehe, just rambling time to go back to work 🖥️✨

[flameraven]

I think I saw you note a tag #still furious that aces were called homophobic for being anxious about the kiss - but I did not pull up anything on a search for that interesting tag. I am not skilled at navigating Tumblr, so apologies if I am I missing something.

It's not really the kind of thing that would show up in a tag. It was in a lot of discussions on Twitter and Discord before S2 dropped, after the big Leak of the Kiss. Other people may have screenshots - I don't hang out in fandom Twitter, I only heard about it. A lot of folks in the ace omens community were anxious and upset, knowing that Aziraphale and Crowley were going to kiss. Kissing is seen as such a romantic gesture, many worried that it meant they'd be shown as an explicitly romantic/allo couple, and were pretty upset about it. Many had kind of hoped that we'd never see them kiss, because that would keep the relationship ambiguously romantic or platonic the way it was in S1, and that's been very meaningful to many aspec fans. For these concerns, ace fans were told they were homophobic for "not wanting to see two men kissing." There was also... I don't know, a general disdain for ace headcanons? I felt that people were not really listening to my concerns. So I left those conversations and kept most of my fandom discussions in Ace Omens.

[yurious-george]

4'33'', by John Cage, is commonly remembered as 4 and a half minutes of silence. But contrary to popular belief, the song is not actually meant to be the sound of silence, but the sound of quiet. Ambient noises contribute to - and consist of - the performance. True silence does not exist. If one tilts their head right, the whole world sings. and, with that said, a playlist.

yeah, this one's a doozy. hi, cubewatermelon and co. miss me?

rhetorical question. don't answer that.

A few nitty-gritty things out of the way, first. this is specifically intended for the 2018 mod team for the sleepless domain fans discord server, primarily cubewatermelon/mary cagle. Folks who knew me are welcome to look on, but I'm not going to do much to catch people up to speed. hi, everyone! hope you're well!

I also might be a bit disjointed or biased in my recollection. For reasons that will be made clear extremely soon, I can't put my childhood on a linear timeline. I can only express myself, and hope I don't mess it up horribly this time.

Noooowww to the big stuff. re: stalking; i genuinely didn't mean to stalk anyone, and when they told me to back off, i backed off. I am not willing to discuss this further. not being able to conceptualize other people's emotions or the consequences of my actions has caused some problems for me

that's an autism thing btw. im autistic i dont think i told anyone that

And now, the special guest you've all been waiting for: a big round of applause for the elephant in the room! In accordance with the WMA Declaration of Tokyo, the deliberate overprescription of psychotropic medication is a form of pharmacological torture. Most victims of pharmacological torture and experimentation are children, because it is nigh-impossible to sue for brain damage when there is no fully-formed adult brain for comparison prior to the abuse.

Torture is a strong word, but I don't have another word to use. psychiatric abuse usually describes mistreatment in psychiatric wards; pharmacological abuse describes a patient who takes advantage of a prescription; medical abuse is when a doctor (usually physically) abuses their patient. Being able to understand what happened to you is a form of agency, and I don't even have the words. I identify as a torture victim; this may change.

This high dose was precedented and legal, but the vaginal stretching of intersex infants is also legal. much involuntary psychiatric & psychotropic treatment (such as restraints and solitary confinement) are legal, and child marriage is legal. abuse is not abnormal: it is profoundly normal. Because something is normal, legal, and precedented does not prevent it from being torture.

and when your mother hands you a poison apple and says "here, eat this; it will be good for you; i hope someday you'll forgive me" you have to eat it, because you are eight years old and you don't get to argue with your mother. despite all this, I don't blame my aunt for refilling the high dose. when I said the dose was hurting me, she listened. (thank you, auntie. i wouldn't have gotten out without you.)

And this brings us to you. oh, you four. (five? i forget myself!)

I'd like to establish some context. I was used to things getting taken from me. friend groups in particular: I didn't expect to keep any friends, because I constantly expected to have to pack up and move on. I moved a lot in my childhood, and in Africa, i was constantly told that at some undetermined point in the near future, i'd have to go back to the states. living with my aunt was a temporary thing, i was expected to eventually move back in with my parents at some undetermined point in the future. I relied heavily on online friends because they were people I could have anywhere, so online communities were my only lifeline - not to mention, i was basically in solitary confinement while in Kenya.

Most of all, I was terrified of my mental health/actions being exposed, examined, found lacking, and ultimately excluded. (this is why i was so afraid of psychiatric wards.) When you decided something had to be done about me - cutting me off from the server so i had to speak with you - It was either comply with your demands to communicate (which I could not, and did not understand why) or lose the community. I was so, so afraid of you i wanted to die when you all confronted me, and of course i couldn't say that, because only manipulative people would say "your attempt to solve this problem makes me want to seriously hurt myself."

But then I got called manipulative anyway <3 yay <3

Seriously: I wasn't trying to manipulate anyone, and i have no idea how you can manipulate someone without intention. (ah, that felt good to say!) Between medication spellbinding, alexithymia, and prior abuse, all my thoughts were so disordered i genuinely couldn't explain myself most of the time. Looking back, I have no childhood memory where I was fully lucid. I leaned into a manic persona because it was the only way I had any agency at all. I was something beyond both reason and self-recognition, and I willingly tried to brute-force my way through an extreme trauma response to please you. And you still hit me with my worst nightmare. that's why i was mad at you lol

I was so, so afraid, all the time, and I didn't even have the tools to understand I was afraid. How could someone as confident and impulsive as me be so fearful all the time? Was that manic persona freedom? Or was it a longer leash?

(Forgive my impulse toward rhetoric. I shouldn't ask questions you can't answer.)

I also couldn't say how badly i was hurting, because that would be venting, but you also accused me of venting when I was just talking about my day? or what was on my mind? I didn't understand that very well. autism moment, don't bother explaining it now. I also couldn't burden people with my actual mental health problems, because making strangers deal with that would be toxic! I resent you for setting up a system where it seemed safest not to speak and then punishing me for my inability to communicate. I resent every system that set me up for failure and punished me for failing, including yours.

And yet - I know that was not your intent! I can see in retrospect how hard you tried to be kind using the tools you had. The people with power over me, who genuinely did not want to do me harm and gave me multiple second chances, still upheld and facilitated the systems that tortured me; a miniature parody of the psychiatric system. (talk therapy and communication are useless if you struggle with self-awareness.) The same is true for the source: No person in my psychiatric treatment wanted me to suffer, and yet, here I am: a torture victim without a torturer. (except my parents, sort of.)

The logical conclusion, then: the system only intends to heal those who are already compliant, or prioritize compliance. The rest of us are treated to induce compliance, and if we still cannot, we are sequestered away. My medicine made me sick, and my prescribers made money off of keeping me sick - off of my torture. This is not a conspiracy: it is my lived experience.

However, even if i could communicate perfectly, we still would have had massive communication issues. Like - you know that one page where ben and steffi talk about dating, and ben says he thought steffi was gay? and steffi gets super defensive and it escalates into a screaming fight? I found that offensive, because a character getting that offput by the concept of not liking men (or a man) is kind of lesbophobic! But I understood that it would be a pain to redraw/write the page so they they fight about something else, don't fight, or some other solution, so i didn't need it to be fixed - just wanted to point out that was a reasonable interpretation, and one to be aware of in the future. but somehow my concerns got interpreted as a phrasing issue…? like, Ms. Cagle rewrote the page to say "weren't into guys" instead of "gay"..? You were very polite about it, Ms! But I found this interaction so baffling I didn't even try to correct it. that… wasn't what i said…

frankly we should bring back mildly homophobic steffi. twas narratively appropriate (<- different essay for a different time)

but yeah the whole communication operation was doomed from the start. rip!

The issue was always my inability to communicate, but my meds made it nigh-impossible to understand what I was feeling, and when I did, expressing myself could get me institutionalized. My suffering was inevitable but always, somehow, my fault. Awesome! *disintegrates into a pile of sand*

I cannot deny I was a girl like a box of matches waiting to be struck. You had no choice but to do as you did. But is it really what you ought to have done? (On this, I have no answer. I hope you have one that satisfies you.)

(that was genuine, by the by. i've spent a lot of time pondering this mess, and I still haven't found the "right" answer. I don't think there is one - though action or inaction, there is no version of this story where I don't suffer. I can only hope it was worth it. wait, hold on *adds the omelas child to my Kin List*)

Nor can I deny making my previous open letter in a small attempt to 'get back' at you - i'm not above that. lord knows i'm not innocent. but i really was trying to channel that rage into something productive. unfortunately i was doomed to fail because i didn't know what i meant. if you showed me that letter now, you'd hear a lot of "what? I don't know why I said that" "i have no idea why i would complain about something so minor" etc. You can disregard all that. This is what I was trying to say. the obsession, the trauma, the projection: all of it. So much of my obsession was talking around an issue i couldn't identify.

(meguka image) I know now

I knew I would be traumatized by this whole situation. I saw it coming and i could do nothing to stop it. But Gear was crucial to deciphering all this - in fact, suddenly thinking about her last year prompted me to really dissect my medical situation and realize i was tortured. I couldn't have done it without her. cassie & maggie, against the world.

Gear scans surprisingly well as a victim of long-term torture, actually. I don't think you meant to do that but good job!

speaking of her - i still don't think she's consistently suicidal. she's a real cockroach of a character, and I love her for it! But sometimes, i want to die and i want to live mean the same thing, because they both mean i need to get out of here. Imo, her thought processes and desires frequently contradict themselves, like mine did. and making your favs kill themselves in increasingly gruesome ways is really fun catharsis!

But please don't take this to mean I consider myself - or Gear - blameless. I love her because she's not blameless, because she's cruel for fun, because she'd rather be wicked than helpless. Like knows like. What I mean to say is, as of 2018, there is a black space between little Margret and Gear, and I saw all the signs of something very, very bad happening in that space. I know because I shared that space. what I mean to say is, teenage girls don't go out of their minds over nothing. Everything I made here is just an expression of what I heard in the narrative's silences.

and thus my biggest apprehension around revisiting the comic. knowing the author and I have such fundamentally different experiences with mental health - what if the signs of torture i picked up on weren't intended, or i completely made them up? what if, in the parts i haven't read yet, there's information that uproots my entire interpretation, or berates her for refusing mental health services that hurt me profoundly? how do you reconcile that a character so crucial to deciphering yourself may not be anything like you at all? I Don't Know. Shitpost, probably

You're welcome to share those shitposts and whatnot by the way. Creating this let me put down years of hurt, and i hope it relieves you, too. I don't need to go back on the server, or forgiveness, or anything besides understanding. consider this a peace offering. the terms are yours.

Despite writing nearly 10k words, I still probably missed something or was callous or whatever. Self-expression and self-understanding are… new to me. My apology may be understated, but please take it as I meant it, with utmost sincerity. My askbox is open, and I'm more than happy to discuss antipsych resources, KB, What The Hell Is Wrong With Gear, artistic choices made in this comic, etc. I'm even down to reconnect on discord! Maybe. Uh, I'm conflicted. I reserve my right to not want to talk, be slow in responding, and so on, as should you. we've no obligations and all the time in the world. Let neither of us hurt ourselves in meeting because it's the "right" thing to do. I'm not blaming anyone or trying to start drama. If it would give you the most peace of mind to completely ignore this, please do so.

or, translated: as of right now, I'm not ready for any information about KB after steffi reunites with her dad, or difficult emotional reunions. I would really like to hear from everyone, and I'd appreciate casual well-wishes. I don't want things to be the same, I want them to be peaceful. Baby steps, cassie, baby steps. (very large and fearful prey animal tries not to run into oncoming traffic)

mostly, making this was for me. Perhaps I've said too much, but after spending so long unable to express myself freely, my art was cathartic and necessary. I'm no one's martyr or innocent, I'm just a torture victim trying to make sense of it all. I want to articulate some thoughts I couldn't figure out how to say before and make some silly things that make people laugh. Most of all, I'm happy in ways I never thought I could be, and I would like to share that joy with old acquaintances and other fans of a story I adored.

What I mean to say is: The train's about to leave the station, and there's an empty seat beside me. The train will still leave whether or not you board; but I would be honored not to go it alone!

Thank you to everyone who stuck by me even after the drama. Ethel, Felipe, Chris - even though we've fallen out of contact, your kindness and patience meant more than i can say. special thank you to @stars-in-a-jam-jar, the first person i confessed everything to after the smoke cleared, and someone i consider myself close with no matter how long we fall out of contact. My close online friends, @shafpanda, @theoandmoon, @dvanaestmrva, my honorary cousin @my-name-is-jimmy, and everyone else I confided in about my torture. and, of course, my partners @transloo and @teenyjellyfishy, and my little sibling, @aroacenezhaanddainsleif, the three people I love most in the world. Thank you, all. it is an honor to love you, and be loved by you.

[kittenintheden]

okay listen I'm so tired lol

I am a fandom old. I've been around the freaking block like eight dozen times. I'm at the point in my life where I enjoy media because it's FUN and ENRICHING for me personally, rather than something I base my identity on. I adore the community that happens in fan spaces (mostly).

here is why I never trust an anon that's clearly just being a dick: I've been in way to many scenarios where people who aren't even invested in the thing just think it's so fucking funny to watch segments of a community fight with each other. it tickles some part of their lizard brain. their mom never taught them not to be an asshole to strangers. idk.

there's a political term that you may or may not be familiar with called astroturfing. it's frequently used in marketing and politics to falsely create the image of vast public support for something that doesn't actually have all that much natural support. for example, people who don't especially have strong feelings about trans issues being encouraged/paid/instructed to respond to any and all trans support a certain way. responding to blogs, sending letters to the editor, posting on message boards, etc. their goal is to create a broad public perception that most people are anti-trans (untrue).

and it works. entire fucking laws and legislation and protests and fearmongering come out of that shit. people make up FAKE PROBLEMS (cis men dressing up like women to go be pervy in public bathrooms???) and spread the word via bad actors and controlling the public discourse. the media conglomerate that gamed Facebook to disproportionately support asshole authoritarian alt-right clowns and got them elected was EXCELLENT at it.

a similar thing can happen in fandom, ESPECIALLY when that fandom is a haven for women, POC, queer folk, and other minorities. you guys might remember GamerGate and SadPuppies? yeah all those fuckers are still active and still purposely being shitty at every given opportunity because they think it's funny to make the "libs" fight amongst themselves.

look up #yourslipisshowing if you're not familiar. it was a movement by Black Twitter (specifically Black WOMAN Twitter) to expose bad actors who would create accounts posing as Black woman activists, learn the surface-level terminology, and just purposely cause discord in leftist spaces under the ever-familiar activist method of "being morally pure is a thing that can exist."

anyway: any time I get an ask or comment without a name attached that is very obviously intended to poke me in a sore spot, I delete that shit and assume it's some fucker trying to start fan drama for kicks. even if I'm wrong, I still don't need to feed into that shit. this is my fun, happy space. I'm an activist and do activist shit and get angry at the world in real life, I don't need it in my little fandom corner of the internet too.

which is not to say that shitty fans and shitty fandom takes don't really exist. they very much do. but I don't give them much air unless there's an actual name attached. and even THEN it can be hit or miss because people can and do create fake accounts if they're especially dedicated to being a shithead.

so: if you're minding your business and some goober comes into your ask box with shit that's clearly intended to push a button, give it like 24 hours to cool down and decide if it's actually worth it to respond. for me, most of the time I determine that it's not.

don't get me wrong. calling out bad behavior in fandom IS IMPORTANT and SHOULD BE DONE. I just also think it's important to try and find the joy and camaraderie in these spaces as much as possible and that people who try to disrupt that for jollies suck real bad and give a disproportionate perception of "what X fans are like."

in summary, my philosophy is be the best person you can be, be as kind as is warranted, focus on the parts of your fandom that make you happiest, and carry a big stick for when the jerks won't take a hint.

also like. shitting on other characters to prop up your fave is such a freaking middle school move. are you in middle school? if so, I'm sorry. if not, I'm still sorry, but for a different reason.

[omgreading]

July 2020 Wrap-up

I read 14 books in July. I powered through Sarah J. Maas’s ACOTAR and KOA series, and that was the bulk of my reading. Again, I only read books I owned this month. 

I didn’t read the book club pick this month because I was so focused on the series. I just barely got in my non-fiction read. 

July Reads: 

Always and Forever, Lara Jean (To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before #3) by Jenny Han [★★★★☆]

A Court of Thorns and Roses (A Court of Thorns and Roses #1) by Sarah J. Maas [★★★★★]

A Court of Mist and Fury (A Court of Thorns and Roses #2) by Sarah J. Maas [★★★★★]

A Court of Wings and Ruin (A Court of Thorns and Roses #3) by Sarah J. Maas [★★★★★]

A Court of Frost and Starlight (A Court of Thorns and Roses #4) by Sarah J. Maas [★★★★★]

Throne of Glass (Throne of Glass #1) by Sarah J. Maas [★★★☆☆]

Crown of Midnight (Throne of Glass #2) by Sarah J. Maas [★★★★☆]

Heir of Fire (Throne of Glass #3) by Sarah J. Maas [★★★★★]

The Assassin’s Blade (Throne of Glass #0.1-#0.5) by Sarah J. Maas [★★★★★]

Queen of Shadows (Throne of Glass #4) by Sarah J. Maas [★★★★★]

Empire of Storms (Throne of Glass #5) by Sarah J. Maas [★★★★★]

Tower of Dawn (Throne of Glass #6) by Sarah J. Maas [★★★★★]

Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life by Steve Martin [★★★★★]

Kingdom of Ash (Throne of Glass #7) by Sarah J. Maas

I would say that out of the series, Kingdom of Ash was my favorite because it had some of the most poignant moments for me. I always love the feels.

However, I think Born Standing Up might have been my favorite of the month. I was surprised by how much I liked it. I just grabbed a super short non-fiction book off my shelf to get it in for the month, but I loved it.  I might have loved it so much and remember it so fondly because it was a big break from all that fantasy. 

A big reason I powered through the two series in July was because of the book club I am in, Bookclub of Mirth. They host it on Discord, and I absolutely love the group and the folks in it. They are all big SJM fans and almost all of them have read all of her books. So, when I started the series, I hopped into the chats of each series and live blogged my reading to them. It was so much fun having that interaction and being able to discuss my feelings while reading with others. I don’t know if I would have read the series as fast if I didn’t have the group to talk to. I am sure I wouldn’t have read the series at all if I hadn’t joined the group last year. 

Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life went towards my 2020 Goal for the TBRBuster challenge made by @bookbandit of reading one nonfiction book a month I’ve owned a year or longer.

Overall Goals Check-in

Read 30 minutes a day [213/366]

Read 100 books [71/100]

Read 10 books that have been on my shelves for more than a year [7/10]

Become more active in the booklr community (not this month)

Read one book that is a 1,000 pages or more

Complete one series I’ve already started (A Series of Unfortunate Events, The African Trilogy, Heroes of Olympus, Miss Peregrine’s Peculiar Children)

Write in my journal every day, even if it is only one sentence [213/366]

TBRBuster Check-in:

all books have to be owned for a year or longer at the time of reading

Read one nonfiction book a month, these do not count towards yearly goal [7/12]

Read one book I own by J. R. R. Tolkien

Read one book that is 800+pages

Read one book that is more than a 100 years old

Read one book written in or before the 16th century

July has been my biggest reading month this year. I read 15 books in January, but the amount of pages and hours spent reading were way beyond what I did in January. It was a lot of fun to get so wrapped up in fantasy and to experience the series that many people on booklr have, and all the fun I had in my bookclub. 

My check-in info is as of 7/31 so it only contains things for July

[bare1ythere]

[ID: Three replies from @allydave that say: Lowkey I think it’s bc the majority of the podcasting audience is (or at least Was) adults. People who grew up with old fan community etiquette, or who are at least mature enough to consume content in a responsible way. It’s what always makes me a little nervous when I think about the huge popularity boom tma had, especially on tumblr, bc tma is a Mature Podcast with Mature Themes. Doesn’t mean minors can’t listen to it, but that I think the majority of the audience used to be adults (continued)

And those adults were able to interact with the content and each other in responsible ways and were able to create a very nice community. Tumblr is too big to have a community and new fans with their tumblr culture and unachievable expectations are trying to navigate and expand what used to be a tighter knit space, which leads to gaps in knowledge and miscommunications and all sorts of missed context that makes fandom wars a thing. I’ve lost the thread of what I was trying to say but (continued)

I think the expansion of the tma community into a Fandom is scary, but I think there are some core groups of fans that have been able to maintain their communities. The twitch audiences (that I’ve seen) are surprisingly respectful and supportive but that comes down to good mods curating good community spaces and honestly?? It’s actually really nice that a proper community that’s larger than a friend group but smaller than a fandom has been able to survive and imo thrive despite it all (end). End ID]

Ohh there’s a lot here!! Yeah I think you’re right that largely, podcast fandoms are made of adults. Of course this isn’t 100% true as I myself am I minor but I do think its probably because podcasts are Very difficult to get into. It’s not like a “oh I’m gonna go watch this cartoon” or “I’m gonna play this video game” which a lot of folks my age today Grew Up doing, podcasts are something you have to be introduced to and it can be hard to get into them (since there’s no visuals). That alone curates the audience to those more open to the medium I think? I wonder what that might have to do with over all fandom maturity.

Also when a fandom is made largely of adults, fewer adults will go “ew cringy” because its not something directed towards kids. It’s unfathomable to me that someone Within a fandom would go “lol u like this? cringe” but even more so with something directed more towards adults. I guess it has something to do with stigma around being “childish” as an adult when really there’s no such thing as 100% maturing and growing up. From what I’ve seen being The Mature Adult™ seems mostly a cover up for most adults not really knowing what is going on. @ those people: Just let people enjoy things, maybe?? Its really doing you no harm?

And yeah I think I definitely saw a little of what you’re talking about yesterday with the discourse that came from the new episode yesterday. Valid criticism, but also some misunderstanding and miscommunication.

I got TMA late july, and joined fandom spaces for it mid-september (took me a while to catch up) when it was still a fairly small fandom/community. So lets just say the explosion in popularity after MAG160 was exciting, but also terrifying? I kinda liked the small community size, it felt more like a friend group discussing the podcast rather than a capital-F Fandom™. I also knew that Discourse was gonna come of the increased community size and I was not excited about that. Outside of tumblr, though, like in Jonny’s streams or on the RQ discord the community is probably one of the best I’ve been in? Especially the discord, where similar discourse I was alluding to earlier Happened in the early access chat and for the most part stayed chill where there wasn’t a lot of fighting.

I think it’s fairly impressive that the TMA fandom is still a largely positive space despite being so big! 

[cloudchaserandflitterexplain]

A “brief” talk about the future of CaFE

I’m sure several of you are probably wondering, or maybe have wondered, why did CaFE go on such a long, unannounced hiatus? they’ve existed before, much to my embarrassment, but never this long, and usually I’d at least say something after a few months. But this time, well, it’s been over three quarters of a year. That’s a long time. So what happened? Well, a number of things. There was, of course, my little tiff with CiM. Which has been long since resolved and we’re all friends again, even if I don’t work directly for them any more, which is currently for the best (though maybe I’ll return someday, who can say? It’s not in the foreseeable future, however). Then, well, there was just a lot of little things that affected my mental health as I was recovering from that. Nothing to cause a monumental delay, mind you, but a lot of stuff that just made me not want to, or just incapable of writing about cute ponies talking about card games. I did manage to write half of the next CaFE early in the year, but I never did manage to finish it. Then, well, the big thing happened. And, fair warning, it’s not good. How bad is it? Well, even Pinkie Pie knows there are some things that no amount of parties and balloons and cheer can help you with, and this is one of those. My father died in March this year. To make matters worse, it happened just about a week before my sister’s wedding (which was lovely, though very bittersweet considering the circumstances). And I did not take it well at all. Writing was close to impossible for a long time. And every time I thought about saying something about CaFE, I just couldn’t. I tried many times. I really did. I was not myself for months. I still managed to go to BABS and Everfree and put on a good show and enjoy myself, though I had to work harder for it. I’m not 100% I managed to mask everything entirely, and I’m sorry if I affected anyone negatively. For what it’s worth, I really did try my best not to. But let’s get back to the writing. It was hard. Very hard. I kept starting things I wanted to write about, then abandoning them. The best I could manage was the Surprise’s Cards that Beat the Odds series (which I think I did a decent job with, though it’s pretty close to over) and barely managing Silver Spanner (which I honestly think helped keep me sane as it was something I could do for everyone that involved very little effort on my part. Though there have definitely been more mistakes in the past few months than I’d have liked). The fact that I managed to finish two thirds of the Bichromatism mini series is, quite frankly, astounding to me as it has been about five times harder to write than something like this normally would be. But progress is progress, and I’m glad to have been able to make it. Bronycon has also helped a lot. I spent a lot of time with my non-CCG friends at the con, one of whom used to be a fanfic writer who published a book with a collection of her short stories from Fimfic and sold it at the Bronycon Bookstore, along with many other writers. It was a thing someone helped organize and push through for them all, and I couldn’t be more proud. Though, admittedly a little jealous since she was having so much fun with her writing stuff and I was just unable to write at all recently. But mostly, I was definitely proud, and enjoying her success alongside her. And, of course, I also did a lot of CCG stuff! I played a silly deck I made with Grand Pause (though we admit it needs a little tuning stil), hung out with people, chatted with people, and so on. I went to the “fire”side chat and asked questions about the next set, a few of which I think were actually pretty good! I even had the impromptu idea at about 90 minutes before Meticulous Talks started to join them in talking about those very same questions, completely surprising cursedchords and Hithroc and, honestly, myself. And overall, I managed to really connect with many CCG players again in a way I hadn’t really done since, well, since too long ago. Being the last Bronycon, of course, there was a lot to see, and do. I looked at all the cute costumes. Hugged Vikingerik’s Scootaloo suit twice.Bought a lot of stuff at the vendor hall (well, 5 things is a lot for me, anyway). Went to a couple panels. Told some jokes. Talked with a random stranger or three. Played board games. And overall, just had an incredibly and unbelievably good time. I even joined an impromptu sing-a-long of Smile Smile Smile (my 100% favourite MLP song, though I’ll easily admit several others are better). Bronycon’s healing process was incredible, and I think it happened at just the right time for me. The MLP fandom, as a whole, is just deeply, truly incredible. It is a community of love, understanding, and tolerance. And it is one of the most wonderful things I’ve ever been a part of (despite not really being much of a brony myself, outside the CCG. I know, it’s surprising considering how much I do for the CCG, but true). Which brings us back to CaFE. I’ve been thinking a lot more about CaFE lately, even before Bronycon. A couple weeks ago, I even thought to myself “it’s time to say something. It may not be time to write CafE again, but you should at least say something!” I didn’t, of course, but just thinking that was a good sign that I was on the right track again, even if still a bit away from the station. CaFE is incredibly and exceptionally special to me. It is legitimately the thing I am proudest of making or doing ever. No joke. I don’t know how well I can express this considering how emotional I’m getting typing these words (I’m tearing up on the plane home from Bronycon), but I think it needs to be put in to words. It’s the longest running project I’ve ever had, aside from my first job. I’ve had many people come up to me and praise how much they like it, even to this day. Folks have made fan art for me, including fan animations and comics! I’ve been asked to sign cards featuring one or both of the girls for people, which has always made my day (though it doesn’t happen much anymore). I’ve been told by more than one person it was their favourite pony blog period, despite being 90% just text! I’ve had players new and old tell me they’ve learned about the game reading my blog, and that they love the format of two cute pegasi talking to each other. Cloudchaser and Flitter have become practically synonymous with “competitive player” and “casual player” in this game, and almost everyone who’s read CaFE and seen how well they get along (despite their occasional fight) knows that they too can get along with the kind of player they’re not (granted, that could just be because we;re all MLP fans in general, heh). The girls’ expressions are used both on the official MLPCCG reddit and the official MLPCCG discord, and even in CiM’s Slack! Bots have been named after them by multiple people across multiple platforms. They were the first outside of Enterplay to give spoilers, and they’ve done so every set. And, most importantly, a girl at Nightmare Nights 2014 gave me a spontaneous hug when she learned I wrote that blog, she loved it so much. In short, CaFE hasn’t just touched my life, it’s touched all of yours. And many who don’t read it any more or even play the game any more. Heck, some people who stopped playing the game still read the blog (when it was updating, anyway)! Somehow, CaFE was even influential enough that I was invited to a panel at Bronycon 2016 to talk about them and how they managed to impact you all (along with several other panelists), and it truly is a time I’ll never forget (thanks Teej!).So there was no way I could let it end here. Cloudchaser. Flitter. You may be minor characters in the show, but to the MLPCCG community, you are beacons shining across us all. Bronycon may be over, and Season 9 may be ending soon, but the card game’s still going strong, even if not as strong as it was in years past. You’ve both got work to do. And, well, so have I. So, for those who missed the announcement at Bronycon and/or Meticulous Talks, I’ll say it here, and I’ll say it proudly. CaFE is coming back! In September or even late August. And I couldn’t be more excited. And I hope you all are too. See you all soon!

[sybilius]

Echoeing @salt-of-the-ao3‘s post about the buddy system. Finding someone or a few someones who are just as passionate about the fandom as you are and keeping them close can mean a lot. 

I would say definitely try to keep a balance even within yourself for mourning what you’re losing with the old fandom, while trying to stay grateful and upbeat about the fandom you still do have. It’s important to vent and say “I miss the way things were, I miss when XXX author/fan artist was still posting” -- but if that ends up being the sole basis of your connection rather than celebrating what is still going on, it’s going to be a downer and spiral in to more people being pushed out.

Make peace with the dwindling interactions on your fic. Focus on re-invigorating the community as a whole, but try to mourn and move on from getting too much personal attention for your work. Cherish the attention that you do get. I’m lucky these days if my one-shots that I write for my niche fandom even get a single comment. I still write, because the characters mean a lot to me. Though yes -- it is something that merits venting about from time to time. 

If your fandom is still above 10 folks who are active and you’re admin inclined, running a fandom event (fic exchange, big bang, or even just to share positivity for a ship) can help drum up interest and maybe bring people closer to you. But I would recommend for that having at least one other person moderate who you know you get along well with, since community organizing can be a daunting task.

More low-key fandom interactions would be to organize a watchalong for the people who are still around, on Kast or Discord or Twitch.io! That is low commitment, and since a lot of people are staying home right now they might appreciate the social fix.

Good luck trying to keep your fandom going, nonnie! I done been (am) there <3

My fandom is dying slowly because our show got cancelled last year. We're still writing and posting art, but there's such a decline in interest and interaction. I'm not a popular writer in my fandom, so I only got a handful of comments, like, maybe 4 or 5, and now I only get 1 or 2 IF I'm lucky, and usually the works just get no interaction at all. I still love my fandom a lot and I don't want to leave, but... how do you cope with that isolation?

My only fandom is one that i barged in as it was already half-dead so i’m not the best person to answer this, but i’d say what makes a dwindling fandom easier to bare is forging stronger bonds with the other writers/readers/fans that are still aroud and intent on keeping the fandom alive. So more interactions with each other, trying to find and stick to each other. That’s what my first thought was.

Ideas and experiences to share, dear followers?

[bronyinabottle]

CELESTIAL ADVICE THOUGHTS

Season 7 is here, and certainly off to at the very least a unique start. For the first time the season does not start with an adventurous two-parter. There's still two episodes but they don't exactly interconnect, the only detail you need to know before watching the 2nd episode from the first is that Starlight is no longer Twilight's student but she's still around Ponyville. A status quo change that is both big yet small at the same time. I'll talk a little more near the end of this thoughts but for now it's important to remember this for a few reasons.

If I may say one thing that kinda drags the episode down for me is the insistence that Starlight and Twilight's mentor-student relationship is comparable to Twilight's with Celestia when there are some big differences. Twilight became Celestia's student as a filly, she was under her wings for years and even when Celestia sent Twilight away that didn't mean Twilight was no longer her student. It turned out her going to Ponyville was the final steps toward her ascension to Princesshood. Meanwhile Starlight used to be a pretty evil character that almost destroyed the current timeline before somehow Twilight managed to talk her out of it and reform her. And since the student-teacher relationship ends in this episode, couldn't have been any longer then a year. Also at least IMO there is some emotional attachment we get to Twilight and Celestia's relationship while there wasn't enough in Season 6 to have the same kind of attachment. The only episodes where the teacher-student thing was all that relevant was No Second Prances and Every Little Thing She Does. And I didn't even like the former since Twilight didn't seem like a very good teacher in that episode, and while I liked the latter Twilight is only there for the opening scenes of the episode and the very end where she helps fix things. Just like how I felt lukewarm to Starlight's character in general, I felt just as lukewarm with her apprenticeship under Twilight and Season 6 didn't do much to change that. It's kinda similar to how I feel about Rainbow Dash caring so much about Tank in Tanks for the Memories when we barely saw Tank in other episodes aside from his debut. Twilight and Starlight's thing is still better then that was but in the same sense I didn't care about the relationship and it's being compared several times to one that most have come to like between Celestia and Twilight since even early on we could really get a lot of how much Twilight respects her mentor, and how proud Celestia is of Twilight.

I do want to say that I still kinda liked this episode and in fact is probably my favorite of the two that aired that day. But it's still unfortunately dragged down by things I just don't care for. Just my personal opinion on the matter, I'm sure there are those who are fans of Starlight and Twilight's relationship that probably loved this episode and I'm not going to tell them they're not wrong for doing so. I just don't feel very strongly about what this episode is hyping up the apprenticeship to be.

That said though perhaps the funniest part of the episode is certainly the fantasy sequences/imagine spots of what Twilight's thinking could happen when she sends Starlight somewhere. Heck, the line of Celestia saying "There is no wrong way to fantasize" has already gotten some giggles in the fandom, especially from the NSFW art community (That's not a bad thing though, many NSFW pony artists I've met are some of the nicest folks in the fandom). But even aside from that you have Twilight imagining funny scenarios like a Changeling pretending to be Starlight and purposefully doing bad things to other changelings to get her in trouble, Twilight imagining what Ember and Starlight would interact like. Though it does get serious for a moment when Twilight actually has a somewhat believable idea of sending Starlight to work on Magic together with Sun Burst and suddenly Twilight thinking they might get into magic that they can't control.

But perhaps the best scene of the episode is Celestia revealing she had some of the same concerns that Twilight has in the episode years back. While I did say I'm not sure comparing the two as if they're that 1:1 is a good idea, I do like the idea of Celestia caring for Twilight in that way and is a really heartwarming scene for Celestia. While it's a little debatable if this episode even counts as a Celestia episode, it's certainly the most character we've gotten out of Celestia in a really long time. It really feels like the last time we had anything with Celestia's character being revealed it was as far back as Season 1 in either the end of Best Night Ever or that episode with the Phoenix. It just makes us crave a real full 100% Celestia focused episode even more then before I'd say. But at least we got a good taste of it in this episode. Also a little funny thing that might of revealed why the letters were there in the beginning of the series in that that was also part of Celestia missing Twilight so much heh heh.

But now we get to the ending where Starlight is announced by Twilight that she'll no longer be Twilight's student though at the same time a part of the status quo still stays in that Starlight still lives in the castle. Just she's on her own now. You can look at this a few ways. For those who are even a little like me that kinda never felt too much attachment I think it's good enough to be glad the apprenticeship is over since it didn't feel like it was really going anywhere between the two. Though at the same time does who may dislike Starlight a lot more then I do may feel they don't do enough to end it since Starlight isn't actually going anywhere. Though for those who do like Twilight and Starlight they may have mixed feelings of them no longer being student and teacher because it may feel all too fast but relieved that Starlight will still stick around for the near future. So this a pretty weird status quo change where something has changed to a good degree but at the same time not a lot.

As for my opinion on the matter, I am glad that Starlight is no longer Twilight's apprentice as I feel Starlight could grow better on her own especially as she interacts with Trixie, Discord, and/or Thorax. And as for Starlight ever being sent away, I do feel like that could possibly be what the eventual finale of Season 7 could be about. Especially if Starlight isn't involved much with the movie coming up. Since as of right now there's no sign Starlight will have an important role in that. (Or at least she'll help protect the home front while the Mane 6 and Spike are traveling abroad?) Just saying since it's not like we've seen any merpony Starlight merchandise/artwork. So they could just be taking a slower route but will eventually go with somewhere of which to take Starlight on her own path. Cause with all of the Mane 6 that had goals already having reached them as well as the CMC with their Cutie Marks. Starlight's one of the few characters that there's gotta be some incoming goal for that needs to be shown and even if I don't care as much about her it's only fair she gets her chance to have something. Granted I have no idea what the plan is for Starlight yet, but we'll see what happens.

So to recap, while I'm still mixed as ever with just about anything Starlight. This episode had some solid moments from Celestia and Twilight that I enjoyed. And it's certainly an interesting start to the season. I'll get to talking about All Bottled Up next week. Since I want to give it the proper respect of it being a separate episode on it's own and also I have a feeling my episode response for episode 3 of the Season will be really short because I pretty much know how the episode would go in Genie Twi's universe and trust me it's not very long. Admittedly I'm not too looking forward to the 3rd episode but maybe it'll surprise me. Seeya then either way though.