#I miss being normal and not ill
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I went to alternative school last year and my teacher would print out photos of majima every so often and hang them up above my seat to motivate me. People started talking .. inappropriately so unfortunately they had to be taken down. After they were taken down I got really ill and am still dealing with it and I blame it on the majima walls death. Regardless it was very awesome and silly I wanted to share it
#majima#majima goro#goro majima#yakuza#ryu ga gotoku#rgg#the globaization one was made because I couldn’t focus on writing about globalization#I miss being normal and not ill#there was actually a goromi still in the schools hallway hung up#and a Halloween majima I’d painted#and a kazumaji painting …#I drew the trans majima for trans awareness week
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anyone else get cuteness aggression whenever they see james mcavoys charles….. like i have to pace around the room everytime i see him (your art is not helping. /pos)
i can think of one (1) mate who also gets cuteness aggression
#xmen#xmen movies#charles xavier#cherik#professor x#erik lehnsherr#magneto#snap sketches#i am moderately tipsy so idk if this looks right. he looks right to me right now i think yeah he looks good ill post it#ANYWAY tahnk you:) i hope my art contributes to Not Being Normal about charles in any capacity#ask earlier about erik's face getting oevrshadowed reminded me i can draw one of my fave things for film erik too#drawing this did make me wanna rewatch first class tho ... 'snap how many times have you rewatched first class'#its a new month ok im allowed to rewatch it five times if i want to#i never draw fc charles .. i miss him sometimes mcavoy in general's fun to doodle#when speak no evil came out i was too stupid excited to doodle paddy after watchin the movie but this aint about him. we're MOVING ON#im gonna go start doodlin somethin goofy bye bye ill be back Whenever
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it's been a week and i still haven't recovered </3 so i did a little sketch with this scene between normal and scary because it fucked me up and i need more moments of them comforting and caring for each other
#dndads#dndads s2#dungeons and daddies season 2#dndads s2 spoilers#dndads spoilers#scary marlowe#normal oak swallows garcia#these two make me so fucking ill#i love their relationship and i missed them having moments so much and i was so heartbroken when normal comforted scary about terry jr#it sucks! when your best friend looses her dad and she has to face all this feelings she was trying to protect herself from#and you can't do anything to help hee besides being there and hugging her#if normal could he would take her pain away in a heartbeat#which is an idea i am thinking. about normal messing with the modify memory spell to protect scary from being sad#anyways they are my babies and i love them so much and they are the siblings ever <3
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hii happy pride month, have a little 'you're a dog (i'm your man)' chapter four snippet as an apology for radio silence <33
“Did I wake you?” Gale asks, glancing at John apologetically, but John looks up from his effort to avoid muddy puddles to shake his head. Gale supposes it’s a silly question; John sleeps like a rock, dead to disturbances made by anything other than his own brain.
“Just my sixth sense,” John says, shrugging and shooting him a small smile. Gale snorts.
“You got a radar for me?” He teases, and John smiles wider, eyes crinkling.
“Built in,” he answers matter–of–factly, raising a hand and making a fist over the center of his chest before dropping it, returning his vigilant gaze to the uneven ground. Gale stares for a moment longer, floored not for the first time by John’s apparent obliviousness to the weight of his sentimentality.
Even knowing John how he does, it’s always unexpected coming from someone who a stranger might assume to be brazen and surface–level; John’s loud mouth and wandering hands do him no favours in that regard.
But Gale does know John, like an extension of himself half the time, and still he manages to render him speechless. The way his heart flutters as the sentiment hangs in the air makes Gale want to reach down his throat and squeeze it until it never beats again.
#slow progress but progress#dog coded bucky fic#still sick unfortunately lol i thought i was lucky enough for it to just be a week thing but i forget i am chronically ill!#(read: i gaslight myself into thinking i'm normal sometimes)#i'm trying to get this chapter done before i reply to asks/post other stuff#bc i rly only have the mental capacity for one or the other at once atm :( but i miss you guys and being deranged here SO BAD. so so bad#thank u for the endlessly kind messages and your boundless patience oh my word <3 it rly is so reassuring mwah hugs#i rly do feel so bad for not replying to @s and messages tho i just have so little energy rn so i am conserving it :(#but i read them all whenever the migraine brainfog subsides enough to scroll and i smile and weep simultaneously <33#so if i have not replied to ur msg. i promise it is nothing personal i'm just a walking corpse and will get back to u when i can <3#and that's my boring author's life behind the scenes update JSKGD my bad y'all#buckbucky
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If I think about cTubbo for too long I implode because he was only 17!!!!! He was 17 and the president of a nation that wasn’t even his!!!!! He was protecting a dream to the death, a dream that wasn’t his dream. He gave up everything EVERYTHING for the dream of a man who only saw him as his sidekicks sidekick. He was never himself, he was always part of something, l’manburg, Tommy’s best friend, a spy for the rebellion, and the one time he was chosen was because it’s didn’t matter who was chosen bc the place was going up in flames anyway. He had a target on his back and became the face of evil to protect a dream that he gave his life for TWICE with zero recognition. No one listened to him and he sat alone in his big cold office as others told him how he should think and what he should do and that he was an idiot, a tyrant and called him the name of the most hated man ever just because he wanted peace, something he never had before. No one listened to him, but even his best friend who said he would be at his side but blatantly ignored him and told him that he’s just like the man that murdered him. The man that executed him at 16 years old after making him decorate his own public execution.
He was only 17 and became Atlas. he became the face of what everyone hated. People destroyed the dream that didn’t belong to him yet he gave his life, his happiness, his friends, his childhood for just to say it’s his fault that governments are corrupt af that the world would have been better if he had never been given the role. A role he didn’t ask for. A role he was thrown into just for someone else to pull the rug from under him. He was only 17
#don’t look at me I’m being cringe#I miss qtubbo#and I reverted back#MY BABY BOY#HE WAS A BABY#screaming and crying#HE WASNT EVEN 17 AND HE BACAME THE FACE OF SONETHING PEOPLE WERE MEANT TO HATE#lmanberg wasn’t even his dream it was Wilbur’s and Tommy’s#I’m so normal about him I’m so normal about him#he makes me normal#i’m ill#he makes me physically ill#dsmp#dsmp tubbo#Tubbo
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finished honest hearts a few weeks ago … still thinking abt it
#fallout new vegas#fnv#courier six#courier oc#arcade gannon#artists on tumblr#hi im hyperfixatingn on fnv again. for the love of god hello#im reaching the latter hslf of the game and im getting sad bc im gonna miss playing sirius so much……….#i mean i have so many saves of him at different levels so ill always be able to fuck around with him but still.#those credits are gonna be bittersweet#anyways i have a backlog of sketches that ill post eventually and new stuff im working on :D#in the process of unlearning shame and posting shit that i normally only show my friends#im letting myself be self indulgent and that means drawing my courier being in gay yaoi love with arcade#my art
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teehee au where merlin is beloved by like all of camelot and just has everyone wrapped around his finger (not that different from canon honestly) and one day arthur is on his way out on a mission from his father that merlin insisted he be on bc uther found out about his magic and merlin just wanted arthur far away from it so he didn’t have to witness it. uther knows that merlin cares deeply for arthur and was genuine in the compromise so he allowed it. after arthur is gone, uther orders the pyre to be built and merlin is burned before sundown.
since arthur’s mission was top secret (again insisted by merlin) no one knew where he was or how to send a message to him to let him know what was happening. the citadel is ROCKED bro like a lot of them are in shock and weighed down by grief (especially the guards and knights that were forced to follow their king’s orders). this was like the first time that almost the whole citadel knew who the sorcerer was and they all adored him. organizing happens rather quickly especially with the knights and guards turning a blind eye to the conspiring of high treason that’s literally happening right in front of them.
arthur meanwhile runs into either morgause or nimueh somehow idk and they tell him about the deal his father made and shows him the contract he signed and points out the line that states the deal calls for a life to be taken in exchange for a life made which makes it clear that his father knew somebody was to die for it. he pulls a quick 180° and dashes back to camelot, arriving in the middle of the night to see fires burning high as the rioting citizens scream and shout calling for justice and listing names that seem vaguely familiar but he cant place.
arthur, already hellbent on patricide, hears the fate that befell merlin and his rage is multiplied tenfold. he marches through the streets with tunnel vision until he finds his father who seems relieved to have his son back until he draws his sword against uther. arthur doesn’t argue or insist he draw his sword. arthur just lists his two people, his mother and his merlin, much like the rioting people outside are.
uther stops him: you look down on me for building a kingdom on blood, but that is what you’ll be doing if you kill me
arthur barely blinks: then i guess i really am your son
uther’s head is paraded around the city until morning
#is merlin alive out there?#i like to say yes since hes immortal and arthur needs someone to wrangle him in#plus hes just too stuborn to die#and merthur obviously#the people are calling out the names of their friends and family that they had to watch die btw#so like gwen is calling out for her father#i hc that cook/audrey was a sorceress and just swore to uther she’d stop using magic like gaius did#so i imagine her calling out the names of all her friends that uther killed etc etc#the way this ended made it seem like i was setting up arthur to be uther 2.0#but arthur had more to say it just sounded colder leaving it like that#his next line was something along the lines of#‘but ill be better than you’ or ‘the sins of the father are not mine to inherit’#idk u get my point tho#lmao wait dude merlin wakes up like miles away somehow and has to claw his way back to camelot#he shows up in the dead of night and manages to get to arthurs chambers without being detected and finds him in the throes of a nightmare#he wakes him up and arthur thinks his nightmare has switched to a dream and hes in that like half awake half asleep phase#and says things about how he missed him and just real emotional shit he wouldnt normally let slip before pulling merlin in to bed to cuddle#merlin takes the comfort and falls asleep and in the morning arthur has to deal with the fact that it was real and merlin is alive#bbc merlin#merlin emrys#arthur pendragon#fanfic#fanfiction#fic#au#hc#headcanon#head canon#fic idea#prompt
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Crazy how most of my intrusive thoughts come from the want to be wanted
#or the want to be interacted with/the want to draw a reaction from a crowd#the want to be observed#i don't get many intrusive thoughts. at least not ones that stick#ones ive had were being like “drop off the face of the earth so they can miss you” immediately conflicted by “but ill miss them too”#physical intrusive thoughts are the opposite. i dont want to do something very very badly#yk when you're holding a pencil and it goes flying bc you held it wrong? i fear doing that with my phone into a lake#<- standing on the other side of the road#anyways I don't know if I am normal (my brain activity is quite mellow. i have no memories. but im still pretty smart)#thinking about how everyone wants to label themselves to fit into a group and how it has correlation to playing the victim#anyway im going to go bathe
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you totally should do an oc relationship web!! id love to see that i find your ocs fascinating :] also it's a good way to quickly introduce newcomers to oc dynamics hehe
hello. i am psychologically unwell and so i want to remind you that you ASKED for this
if some of the text is too small to read IM SORRY. it should be ok if u click to see it bigger. i also had to design nadia for this and she actually turned out spot on. and i decided shes missing an arm
i am thinking of them all crazy style always. anyone wants me to elaborate shoot me an ask or a fuckin dm idc. i will always talk about my fucking guys <3
#oc#ocs#ask#I AM UNWELL ABOUT THEM#u can call this 1: the sisters kil (+ diana). 2: the siren's song (hatred and malice). 3: the serpent's tail (messy bitches)#did not connect diana/heiti or julian/nadia because. they dont rlly know each other#diana and heiti never meet and julian only meets nadia like. once. and it does not last long!#also nadia and heiti. they never meet#but the rest of them. oh boy. they have GOT to get normaller#fucking. julian and warren is so funny. BITE EACH OTHERS DICKS OFF#also also. kinda of paragraphs for julian and naomi. they have. a complicated relationship to say the least#also also ALSO. nadias arm is literally nothing. i might change it in the future if i think of something cool but for now like.#it's literally just a birth defect. when i drew her i didn't draw the rest of her arm and then it looked like it was on purpose and i was.#well. no reason for her to NOT be missing an arm. missing an arm be upon ye#ONE MROE THING AND THEN ILL BE DONE. the reason julian and diana's change is bcause the one with the sisters is more early on/in ereform#it's pre-plot. or like. most of it at least.#after (messy bitches) is more later on and then. haha well. unhappy reunion be upon ye#ALSO THANKS FOR SENDING ME THIS. I LOVE BEING ENABLED MWAH MWAH MWAH
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i hate being slow as hell. what is wrong with me bro WE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS STUPID
#doesnt matter what i do someones always gonna point it out at some point or another#theres always gonna be someone to make me feel stupid#for all intents and purposes i might as well be missing half my brain . at least then id have a good reason for being this way. smfh#nah . i am forever going to be fucking pissed off at how every adult in my life failed me. maybe i would be okay if someone just fucking#helped me. if someone just fucking noticed my existence and saw something was wrong. but no one did. and now im like this.#now im like this and nobody is going to help me. and they'll think im fucking braindead. or fucking treat me like a child. BECAUSE THEY DO#BECAUSE I KEEP FUCKING SEEING IT. THEY DONT EVEN KNOW AND YET THEY DO IT. I GUESS THEY SMELL IT OR SOMETHING#its not even like theyre wrong in treating me like that either . i dont think i can do fucking anything without being guided and coaxed.#its just another reminder ill never be normal. and i hate that#i hate being disabled. i hate being disabled. i hate being disabled.#toxi.txt
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I miss having a dad and someone to look after me. I miss telling them how school went. I miss complaining and getting adult, fatherly advice in response. I miss sending them messages whenever I accomplished something and making them proud. I miss being comforted when I woke up from a scary dream. I miss being praised for being a good kid. I miss being read bed time stories to fall asleep to. I miss being upset and immediately going to dad for help with no hesitation. I miss being called their good little daughter. I miss the warmth I felt in my tummy whenever they made me laugh. I miss watching movies together. I miss feeling cared for and adored and loved
#I miss having motivation to do things#I’d always have motivation when I had a dad because I wanted nothing more than to make them proud of me#I know I should work on being more independent but. it’s been so difficult to go through everything alone#I miss feeling like I had a purpose#it’s so hard to feel motivated when everyone eventually leaves#I wish I wasn’t so much work#I wish I was normal and didn’t struggle with my mental health so I could be easier on others#I feel so lost like I’m not made for people at all#like I’m not destined to be with someone because I’m too mentally ill for them to ever want to stay#I wish I didn’t have bpd it has genuinely ruined my life#whenever I see cute couples on here I can’t help but feel so jealous. I wish one day I could be in a happy relationship like them as well#I wish I didn’t drive everyone away from me#I wish I could be a good partner#and not make things so hard for others
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My constant physical state lately has been like what I assume a healthy person feels doing intense exercise
Like 24/7 just so fucking tired, out of breath, heart is racing, muscles are all sore. Then some other stuff like dizziness, blacking out, and loss of balance/coordination that maybe normal people don't experience from working out unless they really over do it
Add to all of that my other symptoms like joint pain in all my fucking joints and migraines and I'm really not sure how I'm alive some days
#sorry just needed to complain about this because omg#im not exaggerating when i say its constant either#the only time the racing heart and dizziness lets up is when im laying down#but laying down makes my joint pain and often muscle pain worse ;-;#ive been sleeping so much and im still always this exhausted#its like a deep physical exhaustion that i just cant shake#and its even worse if i do any amount of physical activity#literally one of my worst triggers is just... fucking reaching above my head in any way#that shit makes my heart rate sky rocket and ill immediately feel dizzy/lightheaded#if i do it more than a few seconds ill just faint#god i miss being able to stretch normally... like just stretching my arms above my head... i miss that
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feeling like death warmed over all day every day is already pretty awful, but one of the worst parts for me is actually doctors.
it's not MY job to know about human bodies, it's not MY job to think of tests to run and medication to try, it's not MY job to pore over test results. and yet I'm the only one doing it, and I have to pretend that's not what's happening lest I hurt the doctors' fragile ego and they decide that's one more reason to brush me off.
#it's so lonely too. I can't do most of the things other people are doing and no one likes being around sick people#hell if I could not be around myself sometimes I sure would choose to walk away too#which is its own special kind of lonely lol#I want to be normal so bad I even miss having to hold down some stupid job#mine#personal#chronic illness
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hhhhh corner beanbag time will fix me
#the paranoia corner....................................................#my legs hurttttt my mind hurtsss my fuckin. arms are ITCHY i hate it here. i dont want to be mentally ill i want to DRAW#at least i read some of my book today. been meaning to do that more. number go up on storygraph feels like progress#three more days. then ill be normal. surely#jguhghghghhghghghghgh#i wasnt even THINKING about it today and then i saw something and was like. subconsciously.#oh i should send this to [redacted] !! ^_^ and then. ouguhghghghghghghghg#hell on earth#gillion voice i miss being singlemindedly devoted to something/one#its FINE im being dramatic.#fuckin. 8 years ago. that was fuckin 8 YEARS AGO. i should be FINE#i guarantee you she doesnt even think about me anymore. except i dont know whether that would be better or worse actually.
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j/on s/ims the type of guy to wait until the very very last second before pausing a tape to sneeze...... like?? he definitely is in denial about needing to sneeze despite it literally being about to happen
#now im imagining his voice slooowly getting breathier and breathier with the occasional hitch between words-#-and then the tape clicks on and off and suddenly hes back to normal (for now)#what if he was about to sneeze and then. tried to turn off the recorder but slipped/missed or wtv and didnt have time to try again#imagine THAT in a recording#then maybe t/im (idk much about him yet tbh) is listening back to the tapes and comes across this one#talks to j/on about it while trying not to laugh#j/on is very grumpily like “yes i know ill have to rerecord it dont REMIND me”#and t/im is like “actually thats pretyy funny you should leave that in”#cue j/on being all “do you have any idea how *disgusting* .... blah blah blah.... MORTIFYING not to mention UNPROFESSIONAL-#“-(indistinct pissed-off rambling)”#t/im is like “ok chill i was joking pleas e”#Sorry that got away frkm me a bit#k talks#t/ma
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I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?
#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like.#what? am I missing something here?#my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day#but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both#gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a#bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of#being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even#with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like#go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m#afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make#this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s#so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room#and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until#my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and#that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad#anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know.#honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down
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