#I might use the dark one without the blood as wallpaper because I liked how it turned out ajhflkajdshfk

[dianagj-art]

You KNOW I had to draw these two together

for @trubblegumm's DTIYS because I'm obsessed with their AU and I've been meaning to do fanart for bloodbath anyways (might do the rest of the boys if I have time latter)

Heavily inspired by this gif, I fell in love with the concept at first sight.

Sorry for the eyestrain, I'm gonna leave warnings on the tags for all the flashing lights :v

[writingquestionsanswered]

How do I jumpscare my readers? Like, I want to write something that happens suddenly and unexpectedly. Which makes the reader pause and take a minute to process about what they just read. But I am afraid these "jumpscares" Might ruin the flow of my writing..or mess up the pacing

Recreating a Jump Scare in Narrative Fiction

Jump scares capitalize on the physiological reaction that is part of our body's defense mechanism against potential threats. When a sudden threat is detected, the fight-or-flight response is triggered, beginning with the startle reflex. This involuntary contraction of muscles and heightening of senses prepares us to take action in the face of a threat. As our nervous system kicks in, our blood pressure rises, the heartbeat quickens, breaths increase, and stress hormones (like adrenaline) are released. This gives us the "juice" we'll need to either fight the threat or run like hell.

In general, jump scares work because the stage has been set ahead of time to let the audience know a potential threat exists. Emotion, anticipation, and tension are built-up so that the reader expects the threat to show up, but not knowing exactly when or how creates a sense of impending danger. It's this sense of impending danger that makes the audience ripe for the triggering event whenever it does take place.

On screen, auditory and visual composition are used to increase tension, manipulate emotion, and create a sense of suspension in the moments before a jump scare. We are experiencing the event alongside the character, hearing what they hear, seeing what they see. Print, however, is a very different medium with different tools that work in a different way. Describing a dark room and scary sounds doesn't have the same effect as processing these cues with your own eyes and ears, so the reader is automatically distanced in a way a viewer isn't. Because of that, it's just not possible to recreate a jump scare in print the way you would on screen, but there are lots of things you can do to create a similar effect.

1 - Laying the Groundwork - In both print and on screen, the reader can't anticipate a threat if they don't know one exists. On screen, visual and auditory cues can be used to hint at a threat without any other context, but in print, the context has to be laid out using exposition, dialogue, and action. Techniques such as foreshadowing, pacing, and timing are also important.

2 - Setting the Scene - Even though the reader can't process visual cues with their eyes or auditory cues with their ears, you can still use sensory description to set the scene for the scary thing that's about to happen. Dimly lit rooms full of dust and shadows, peeling wallpaper and decaying furniture, musty and foul odors, cold air, creaking doors, distant thunder... Emotional details can help make the reader fell what the character's feeling... what is the character thinking? What internal emotional cues do they feel? What external emotional cues do they display or see other characters displaying? If a character walks into a house that's known to be haunted, these sensory and emotional cues help raise the tension and increase the reader's anticipation of what's about to happen.

3 - Creating Immediate Contextual Clarity - Laying the groundwork and setting the scene both help create general contextual clarity for the startling event that's about to occur, but it's also important to make sure there is immediate contextual clarity. In other words, if the reader doesn't know there's a rocking chair in the corner of the room, it's not going to be as scary when the rocking chair suddenly starts rocking even though no one is sitting in it. Likewise, a door that suddenly slams closed won't be as scary if the reader doesn't know the door is there.

4 - Interrupt the Flow and Be Jarring - Normally, we don't want to interrupt the narrative flow or do anything that will be jarring to the reader, but this is the one exception where we absolutely do want to do those things. We want to stop mid-paragraph, maybe even mid-sentence or mid-word and just drop the event right in there. We want to use strong verbs, active voice, and rapid fire sentences to create a sense of immediacy. We also want to avoid filter words. We want to say: The door slammed shut with a thunderous bang. Not: She heard the door slam shut suddenly.

5 - And BREATHE! - Finally, we want to give the reader a moment to catch their breath, let them sit for a moment with the lingering sense of dread and unease. Odds are good the character is doing the same thing, which gives you the opportunity to let the character process whatever they just experienced.

Some other posts that might help:

Horror by Darkness Horror by Daylight Adding Emotional Details to a Horror/Tragedy Scene Portraying Strong Emotions

Happy writing!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

♦ Questions that violate my ask policies will be deleted! ♦ Please see my master list of top posts before asking ♦ Learn more about WQA here

[kekaki-cupcakes]

Heyyy can you please write something for Nico x male reader where Nico has seen reader around camp and reader is friendly and always laughing and talking with everyone. And Nico develops a crush on reader and eventually he decides to confess to reader when he sees them in the woods. Fluffy mainly but like a little spicey at the end if u do that stuff? :)

hey there bestie, let's pretend it hasn't been two months. this fic is also for @golden-boy-muda 's request for nico x transmasc reader <3

I couldn't find an idea in my empty ol head for this request but then I was looking for old oil painting wallpapers for my phone and now you have this incredibly sappy 3.2k of art references [I advise you keep another tab open for cross-referencing if you want the fUlL eXpErIeNcE]

Oil on Canvas--- Nico di Angelo x transmasc reader [3.2k] »»————-　★　————-««

Nico definitely isn’t a stalker, he understands boundaries [once Jason explains them to him, of course], but he might have a bit of a staring problem. 

Sometimes he’s just eating gluten free waffles with Hazel in the dining pavilion and ends up watching you shove your siblings around and plait your little sister's hair so it doesn’t get in her face when she goes Pegasus riding.

He spooned some blueberries onto his plate. 

It’s not his fault.

It’s yours, if anything. What is he supposed to do apart from feel like there’s moths beneath his ribcage when you pose, your nose scrunched, up for photos with Drew’s polaroid camera that’s covered with inappropriate stickers? 

Hazel elbowed him meaningfully in the side when he couldn’t help but grin because Holy Hades, a single person shouldn’t be able to look that much like the painting Ophelia [by friedrich heyser, to be specific], just because they wore a green camp shirt and a pearl necklace. 

Maybe it was his fault that he was comparing you to beautiful paintings. 

He scooped the blueberries onto his half eaten waffle and reached for the maple syrup Hazel had finished drowning her breakfast in. 

The Stoll brother’s mortal mum had sent a stack of paintings from art galleries all over the world last Christmas, and they’d let him pick out a few of the older more poetic ones that didn’t have enough blood and guts for their taste. 

Now the oil paintings of lakes and birds and crying angels and… mainly cats, actually, hung around the dark walled Cabin he slept in. 

Your laugh when you threw strawberries at Kayla and Austin while they worked in the infirmary reminded him of Angel [carl von marr, of course] and he felt like Chat a difficult catch [charles van den eycken] when you walked right past him without even glancing back.

So he’d made peace with watching from afar how you would forget daily to put sunscreen on but somehow always remembered to wear this pair of white crocheted gloves that looked like cat paws. 

On a completely irrelevant note, Nico was learning to crochet. 

Hazel made eye contact with him again when he looked from you to her, and he plugged his ears and glared before she started kicking him in the shins and begging him to pluck up the courage to walk over and even just make eye contact. 

Not that he didn’t want to. 

He may have lined up in his catalog of daydreams, this scenario where you both went down to the beach. Any beach, really. You’d collect shells and eat popcorn and grapes and lemonade and squish sand between your toes and pick up crabs with him. 

PROMENADE ON THE BEACH [Charles Atamian, obviously].

There was another scenario where he’d take you to the farmers market. It had the biggest bouquets of flowers, and rows upon rows of fruits and vegetables and incense and beaded jewelry. 

When he was laying in bed underneath the fluffy zebra patterned duvets that Piper forced him to use, mainly because they matched the dark reds of the cushions and browns of the bookshelves and antique lamps in the cabin so well, you were walking down the rows of little stores with him.

You were holding his hand with those soft cat paw gloves and you liked the feel of his rings [he’d read that people liked rings in a book, somewhere] and you’d filled the Studio Ghibli tote bag you had with berries. 

He’d watched most of the movies after he saw your bag. He liked Arriety the best. 

Clarisse stomped past the Hades table, leaving bloody footprints no one asked about, and smacked him in the back of his head. Nico went back to eating his waffles and daydreaming about your smile. 

In the farmers market you would sniff candles and never buy them because Hazel had far too many for all of her spells and the such that he would never run out. And what was Hazel’s was his and what was his was hers, meaning that what was Hazel’s was yours. 

Because Nico would give everything he owned, even his favorite jacket, for you to look his way. 

And he would buy you flowers, whichever were your favorite. 

Maybe the ones from the painting Hazel forced him to take because ‘you can’t just not hang a painting that literally is you, Neeks’. 

Italian Girl with Flowers. Joaquin Sorolla. 1886. 

He didn’t see the resemblance.

But it didn’t really matter, because he’d get to watch you looking at all the cool things for sale and then he’d take you to the best gelato he’d found so far [he was making a list] or just use the shadows, and take you to a proper gelato shop. Whatever you wanted to do, really.

Nico blinked. He huffed, mainly at himself, and stabbed his waffle. It fell apart on the fork.

“Why’re you angry?”

He looked up from his plate, to Hazel. She was sitting opposite him with a mustache made of orange juice. “...I’m not.”

“You’re not supposed to be pushing down your emotions, remember?” she said sternly, and started picking the green bits off a strawberry. She was eating as many berries as she could, since she wasn’t allowed lollies anymore. The perks of braces. 

Nico looked away. “I’m fine.”

“You’re thinking about the cat glove girl, aren’t you?” she asked with a smirk.

“Cat glove boy, remember?” he muttered, and took a bite of his waffle, wiping squished blueberries off his chin.

Hazel’s golden eyes widened, “Oh yeah. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me,” he said, and was grateful for the excuse to peek your way. You were eating toast. Very pretty-ily. He felt his face heat up.

Hazel perked up, a mischievous grin he didn’t appreciate on her face. “Okay! I’ll go apologize to your boyfriend then-”

Nico stared at her. Why was she like this? She actually went to stand up, and then he yanked her sleeve, pulling her back down to the table. “No! Don’t just… you can’t… stop!”

“You didn’t deny that he’s your boyfriend,” Jason chuckled, sitting down next to Hazel. 

“I hate you all,” Nico said. 

It was torture. 

He felt like Sleepy time potion [Vanessa Stockhard], stuck in the middle of your loveliness, unable to do anything except stare and hope that his face wasn’t too as red as the mushroom he was sitting on. 

In the painting. 

Not in real life. 

Obviously. 

»»————-　★　————-««

Nico stared down at the hat in his lap.

He’d done it. He’d actually finished one of the hundreds of projects he’d started in Piper’s efforts to find him a hobby that wasn’t sitting on the fences of cemeteries or standing in line at Mcdonalds. 

He had lots of other hobbies, he just… couldn’t come up with them when she was arguing with him. 

So they’d gone through writing, painting, records, sleeping, which he excelled in, and then crocheting. None had lasted very long, but he may have had an idea half way through trying to stab Piper with the crocheting stick.

And now he had a white bucket hat with cat ears.

He threw it to the end of his bed, and hid underneath his duvet. Fuck. 

Repose. Malcolm Liepke. 1953. 

What on Olympus was he supposed to do about the way he wanted to hold you so badly he felt like throwing up and tearing his hair out?

He lay underneath in the pocket of stuffy darkness for a moment, before sitting up, untangling his blankets and teddies from him, and then standing. He may have just had the greatest idea anyone had ever thought of before.

Hazel was still in the shower, singing, most likely, so he grabbed his jacket from the coat rack that was actually just a skeleton, and then stomped out of his cabin, the stupid hat in his fist.

His heart was beating wildly. Stupid heart. 

The Wedding Dress. Fred Ellwell. 1911.

He rubbed his face and groaned at the sky. The stars were just peeking out, but it was still pink and yellow, and the sun hadn’t dipped yet. It was hidden by the trees he was trudging through, though. 

Fuck.

His chest was hurting. 

Nico scrunched up the stupid perfect crocheted hat that just had to stupidly perfectly match your stupid perfect cat gloves because Nico was stupidly perfectly obsessed with you. 

You, who was stupidly perfect.

Fuck. 

Psyche Weeping. Kinuko Y Craft. 1995.

He trod on twigs that broke underneath his boots and weaved through the tree’s that slowly became more and more laden with hanging pendants and wind chimes and ruins carved into the bark.

He stepped over a thin stream. A frog croaked at him like it was dying. As if it could ever feel like it was dying. As if it could ever fall in love.

Nico groaned at the sky again. 

“Just let it all out.”

He turned, and glared. “Do you mind?”

“Yes, actually,” Lou Ellen said, raising a purple eyebrow. It matched the undersides of her curly hair. She pointed to the cabin concealed in shadows and moss and stones behind her. “This is my house. And you are yelling very loudly.”

“I’m not yelling,” Nico argued. “I’m groaning.”

She stared at him for a second. She rolled her eyes. “Just come in, what do you need?”

“I need a spell. Or a charm. Or hex,” Nico said, following her through the wooden double doors. A wind chime tinkled even though the air was still. There were a few bunks lined up against the wall to one side. “Or a magic thing. I don’t care which one.” 

The rest of the cabin was filled with small coffin shaped pet beds and empty pink soda cans and voodoo dolls hanging from the roof and rugs with cats wearing strawberry hats on the fluffy material and misty crystal balls. 

Lou Ellen lent back on a desk stacked high with papers and paperweights that were actually jars filled with things. “Okay. I have three rules. I don’t kill people, and I don’t make people fall in love.”

“...And?”

“I’ll break both if it’ll be fun?”

Nico frowned. “No. Aren’t you supposed to say you won’t bring people back from the dead? That’s always the third rule.”

She squinted at him. “Uh…no. I send those people to you.” 

Nico squinted back at her, sticking his tongue out. He fiddled with the stupid perfect hat and looked around. There was just more creepy things and stuffed animals. “Whatever. I need your help.”

“With what?”

“I need you to… like,” Nico started. He sighed. He looked away. 

This was awful. 

He was not about to admit that he might be in love, even if it was to reverse the feelings in the first place with whatever heart ripping out brain altering magic was necessary. 

The Apollo cabin would find out through the witch in less than thirty seconds. He would never live it down. 

Nico groaned again. “Oh for fucks sake, do you need me to fic your voicebox or something?” Lou Ellen hissed. 

Nico glared at her. He groaned again, and then whirled around and stomped out of the weird mossy mushroom cabin. “Nevermind!”

“Fine! Have it your way!...weird little emo.”

Nico glared at the frog croaking at him, and kept walking through the forest. 

He followed the little stream through the woods until he could hear wind chimes or Taylor Swift’s latest album anymore. 

The little stream widened into a proper stream, filled with a lot more frogs. Why were there so many frogs? He nearly stood on a green one leaping across the path. Stupid frog.

Nico stuffed his hands into his pockets, along with the hat. He was tempted to just toss it into the river. Then he wouldn’t have to deal with all of the silly feelings that felt like the biggest things in the world to him and his silly head full of thoughts about your lips.

Maybe the frogs could use the hat as a home.

“Here froggie… Come here… I said, come here... No I am not taking a tone with you!” 

Nico froze. 

Fuck. He took a deep breath, probably too loudly. He glanced to the side. 

Of course you were catching frogs, knee deep in a river.

You looked over, making eye contact, and Nico realized the moths underneath his ribcage were turning into bats. You squinted at him, hands on your hips, while water swirled around and leaves drifted from the trees above. A bucket was wedged between two rocks next to you.

A frog jumped out of it and landed near your leg, on a lillypad. 

“Look Albert,” you said, turning to the frog. “It’s a little Victorian ghost.”

“...I’m Italian,” Nico said quietly. He stared at you. He couldn’t help it. Wow. Fuck. Leo was right. He really was pathetic. “And I’m not a ghost.”

“Okay, Victorian ghost.” 

Nico stared at you. Fuck.

After that exchange, he should be able to hate you. Right? Right. He now resented you, and the moths turned bats would stop clawing at his chest and he would go back to having a normal life. 

Right?

Wrong.

You squinted at Nico, and then slowly turned to Albert. “I think the cute Victorian ghost is having a stroke.”

Nico blinked once, gulped, and then marched forward through the cold water and frogs, his shoes squelching loudly. Gods. This was so embarrassing. But you thought he was cute, even if you also thought he was a dead english boy, so he would be content with dying from embarrassment. 

He shoved the stupid perfect hat into your stupid perfect hands.

And then left in about 0.3 seconds. 

»»————-　★　————-««

You stared down at your pancakes. Why were they so gray looking? Had someone poisoned them? You figured that it would be a pretty good way to die, and tipped extra maple syrup onto them before you dug in. 

To counterbalance the poison, of course.

You scratched at the mosquito bite underneath the strap of your binder. It had flowers embroidered into it. Your binder. Not the mosquito bite.

One of your siblings across from you kicked at your shin, probably on purpose, but you continued to eat your odd tasting pancakes and picked blueberry grit off your white cat paw gloves. They were your favorite gloves. 

They also matched your new hat. The new hat that the cute Victorian but actually Italian ghost boy had given you before he teleported away with whatever dark magic he had stored in all that goth-ness.

You tossed a blueberry at Clarisse when she walked past and tried to bash you over the head. 

She wasn’t allowed to ruin your new hat.

You turned to see her flicking the blueberry over at someone else, and your eyes flicked past that too. Now way. You stood up, but you’d lost sight of the mess of dark hair when the Hermes cabin barrelled past.

You clambered onto your seat and stood up there. “Oi! Victorian ghost hat boy!”

The dining pavilion went quiet pretty quickly, and everyone turned to the cute guy with a skeleton hoodie and wide eyes. He pointed at himself when you pointed at him, and then went pink. 

Clarisse stuck her arm out so you didn’t faceplant when you jumped down from your seat, and you held onto your new hat as you traipsed across the cracked floor. 

You’d never figured out how that crack had got there. But there were bigger mysteries. 

Like this cute goth. 

His face just pinker when you grabbed his sleeve and tried to tug him out of the entire camp’s curious eyes. A dark skinned girl with a lot of butterfly clips and a Steven Universe t-shirt sent a thumbs up in your direction. 

It was only when you were standing by the low burning fire pit in a patch of daisies did you realize you hadn’t really planned far enough ahead. 

You took off the cat-ear hat and looked down at it. “...Uhm…”

“Sorry,” the goth said quickly, and when you made eye contact he looked away even quicker. “It’s creepy. Boundaries and stuff, I just… saw your gloves.” 

“It’s not creepy,” you argued, putting the hat back on with a grin. He was really cute when he blushed. “I mean, I don’t even know your name, and I have no idea who you are but your eyeliner is really really great and… Holy Hades if you smile like that again can I… please kiss you?”

The goth with no name stared at you, and then nodded about ten times too many. “Yes please. But, uh.. If you’re gonna kiss me, please, maybe don’t get my dad involved.”

“...Wut?”

»»————-　★　————-««

Nico could feel his cheeks growing hotter.

Not because of the sun, specifically, but it was hot and bright in the woods. He’d worn sunscreen though. And forced you to put it on too, once he’d found watermelon scented sunscreen, because you refused to smell gross no matter how sunburnt you would get anyways. 

His face was hot and red because of you. 

You, who was stupidly perfect and also possibly kind of Nico’s stupidly perfect boyfriend. 

“Psst, Victorian ghost boy,” you said with a sing-song voice, quietly, and waved your hand in front of his eyes with your pink, blue, and white painted nails. He blinked. You smiled. “You zoned out again.”

“Sorry,” Nico said, and pulled a daisy out of the ground. He handed it over. “I was thinking about you.”

He hadn’t realized the effect that saying that would have on you, but it was worth it when you opened and closed your mouth like one of the frogs you kept as pets. 

“I.. well, what were you thinking about?”

Nico had played his cards right. He smirked, and you shuffled forwards on the checked picnic blanket Piper had stolen from Drew, who’d probably nicked it from poor unsuspecting Demeter or Iris kid. You knocked over the basket of strawberries too, and then took your bucket hat off and stuffed it in your lap with a grin.

He tilted his head down. You were both following a very well rehearsed script. “...Kissing you?”

You launched yourself forwards then with a laugh, your cat-paw gloved hands landing on either side of his waist and probably squishing some of those strawberries at the same time. 

The sun reflected in your eyes and Nico held the sides of your face as he pressed his lips to yours. 

You kissed back, and once you both stopped smiling widely, you could kiss back. 

Properly. 

He scratched his fingernails, the ones you’d painted rainbow that afternoon after catching more frogs and complaining about sunscreen, along your jaw when you bit down on his bottom lip.

Not as a complaint, certainly not, and you knew that too because you just sat back on your knees between Nico’s lap and tilted your head to fit deeper against Nico’s bruised lips. 

The ones that hadn’t had a single day off since you jumped up in the middle of breakfast with your gluten free waffles you hadn’t realized were gluten free until he had explained it to you later. 

It was intensely crazily unbearably romantic but it also meant whatever cold one of you managed to catch, the other would come down with only minutes later. 

And Nico felt like that smug little cat from Julie Manet’s Auguste Renoir.  

»»————-　★　————-««

[notstinky]

TIMING: Shortly after Felix moved into the boiler room; before the rhyming blessing curse FEATURING: Felix (@recoveringdreamer) & Thea (@notstinky) LOCATION: The Grit Pit; The boiler room CONTENT WARNINGS: violence against rats, unsanitary tw (lots of blood, also the boiler room is kinda stinky) SUMMARY: Thea visits Felix's new accommodations with some decorations! Felix's roommates aren't very happy.

Felix was in the boiler room. Thea had no judgments about them staying at The Grit Pit, she’d done it on the odd night, but she did have a problem with the boiler room: it sucked. Of course, the rats loved it but Felix was not a rat, they were a cat furry. Which, as far as Thea was concerned, meant that they might enjoy more cat-like accommodations. No expense was spared in getting the cheapest of cat toys, cat posters, a cat shaped rug, and a big cardboard box because cats liked those, apparently. She stuffed it all into her janitor-cart along with Nora’s paintings, which she’d carried all the way over from her crypt, and covered with a sheet because she couldn’t look at them for too long without crying. Which was only partially because she missed Nora and more because Nora was decidedly not one of those fun artists who painted fields of marigolds—more Saturn Devouring his Son and less Vase with Fifteen Sunflowers. Still, it was hard to deny Nora’s talent. No one painted all of Thea’s nightmares quite like Nora. Fuck, okay, she did miss her. Thea sniffled as she pushed herself into the boiler room.

“Felix?” She called out. Maybe she should have gotten a cat lamp; it was kind of dark in here. Thea wheeled her cart in. “Felix? I have catnip!” 

—

The boiler room sucked. It was somehow both too hot and too cold, the air was moist and humid, and it was loud. Felix didn’t think they’d slept properly since Leo forced them into the arrangement, though it was hard to know how much of that was because of the accommodations and how much was because of the mental anguish of it all. Their apartment had been just about the only representation of freedom they’d had in their life, had been something they’d gotten on their own for themself that Leo had never touched. They’d liked it, even if it had been small and cramped and infested with brownies, even if the wallpaper had been peeling and the ceiling had had water stains. They felt utterly miserable in the boiler room, even if they were trying not to.

Thea would help with that, they thought. Thea was good at brightening things up, and not just because she had a lot of bleach to shine things with. They straightened their back as they heard her approach, scrambling to their feet because they thought that probably looked a little less sad than sitting on the dirty mattress Leo had ‘gifted’ them on the floor. “Hey, Thea,” they greeted with a forced smile. “Uh, come in! I really appreciate you doing this.”

—

The boiler room, like, super sucked. Thea held her nose, pushing her cart of goodies deeper. Then she saw the mattress and moved her hand over her mouth instead. The boiler room super, super sucked. “The store had, like, a really large assortment of cat posters? I got some…” Thea pulled out the one of Garfield sitting in a messy room with the words ‘my room, my mess, my business!’ hanging above him. “Because you’re a furry? I mean, because of the whole Wildcat, thing? I also got…” Thea pulled out a cat toy. “I don’t know what you would use this for but it uh…” She wanted to tell Felix how bad this was; there was no turning the boiler room into a home. And if there was a way to transform this place into something livable, they needed a lot more Garfield posters. 

Still, Thea knew there was nothing a positive attitude couldn’t fix (she’d read that on one of the motivational cat posters)! Of course, it didn’t fix her man-eating wolf problem or her money problems or her anxiety or protect her house from burning down or bring her friends back to life or make her not bald. Still! “No need to thank me!” Thea perked up, forcing herself to smile. “You should really be thanking Nora! I mean you can’t ‘cause she’s not here.” And Thea was not thinking about that because that was not positive. “But she said I could…” Thea pulled back the sheet and unveiled the horrors of Nora’s paintings. “I got one that sorta looked like a cat, I think? I mean, it doesn’t have any skin and it’s eating someone but it’s kinda cat-like, right? Like, from a certain angle? Or like, if you close your eyes and just imagine a cat?” 

—

It was a really nice gesture, Thea coming over like this. Felix knew it wasn’t a particularly pleasant place to visit. It smelled weird, it was dirty, there were definitely rats in the walls. They wouldn’t have blamed anyone for not wanting to be here. They didn’t want to be here. But here Thea was anyway, visiting them like it was easy. Not only visiting, but bringing things to try to brighten up the space as much as the space could be brightened. It was very kind of her, Felix thought. “Oh, I like cat posters!” Felix nodded, genuine excitement reflected on their face. “Um, that Garfield one is cool. I like Garfield.” A pang of something like grief went through them at the sight of the cat toy, and they thought of Penelope back in their apartment with Luci. “That’s really great, Thea,” they told her, not letting the emotion show on their face.

They kept the smile up as Thea mentioned Nora, who must have been the person they’d spoken to online about the paintings. “Uh, yeah. I’ll reach out to her, too, and thank her for the paintings. It was really nice of her to…” They trailed off as Thea displayed one of the paintings. It was… not really what Felix had been expecting. It was a little terrifying, and they’d probably have nightmares about it, but it definitely seemed wrong to turn it down, so they forced the smile to remain on their face. It actually kind of hurt, how much they were forcing this smile. “Oh, wow! That’s! A painting!” They kept their tone upbeat and excited in spite of the anxiety crawling in their chest. “We’ll have to hang that up somewhere… really great!” Somewhere where Felix wouldn’t see it when they rolled over in the middle of the night. 

—

Was it really great? Probably not. If there was one thing Thea knew about Felix, it was that they were too nice. She wasn’t sure she’d ever heard them say something negative. Maybe Felix had mastered the art of positive thinking? Did they try as hard as Thea had to? Every day, working through the sludge in her mind again and again. But there was an air of sadness that lingered around them…or maybe it was just the stink of the boiler room. She didn’t know what was happening inside Felix’s mind and she didn’t feel like she could ask. Anyway, wouldn’t Felix just lie to her? It’s what she would do. “Yeah! I think the posters will be nice to cover up the holes in the walls? So the rats don’t eat you in your sleep.” She turned away, pretending to busy herself with Nora’s paintings so Felix couldn’t see her face strain and her smile droop. 

“There’s a few more where that came from!” Thea flicked through them, carefully tipping the canvases over, each more horrific than the last. “I thought maybe you wanted variety? Like, the skinless cat thing is great but maybe you want this uh…” Thea stared at and then quickly moved on to the last one. “…actually I can’t look at that one too long; it makes me feel queasy.” She turned to Felix, grinning. “Where should these go up? I’ll help you! I brought nails and a hammer and stuff. We need a really great spot!” 

—

They glanced to one of those holes in the wall, swallowing around the lump in their throat. It was a silly thing to get stuck on, what with everything else about the boiler room, but Felix found themself staring at the hole closest to them, the way the wall dented around it. Something had struck the wall here, and their mind whirled with the possibility of what it might have been, worst case after worst case piling up. Had someone hit it with a fist? Slammed a head against it? Or was it something more innocent, like a furniture-moving mishap? (There was no furniture in the room.) Felix tore their gaze away from the wall to look back at Thea, forcing a laugh. “I don’t think rats usually eat people. Anyway, I’d wake up pretty quick!” And probably panic, so the jaguar would probably come out, and they’d get in trouble for that, and —

Paintings. Felix focused on the paintings. “Oh, yeah. That’s – I love variety. That one is…” Definitely hard to look at. Felix winced at the sight of it, and part of them wanted to ask if Thea’s friend was okay, but Thea seemed a little hesitant to talk about her so they left it hanging. “How about over here, behind the boiler?” Where they couldn’t see it very well and it couldn’t give them nightmares. “I think it’ll look good right… here.” They shimmied around the boiler and knocked on the wall.

Something knocked back.

—

The longer the stink of the boiler room hit her, the harder it was for Thea to pretend like everything was okay. The air chipped at her positivity, one stinky sniff at a time. If she couldn’t bear it for a few minutes, how would Felix fare living here? Still, she forced herself to smile. Still, she forced herself to nod and laugh in a convincing, single-tone ‘haha’. If there was anyone that knew how much this sucked, it had to be Felix. She couldn’t imagine them walking into the boiler room with a smile, picturing where they’d put up a dining table and where their rugs would go. Even for all their positive thinking, they had to know this was terrible, right? “Actually rats can eat people. That’s like, I mean, that’s what rat torture is? But, like, they don’t eat us now ‘cause we’re bigger than them and scary but I guess like, hypothetically, maybe if there was a large, coordinated group of rats they could eat us?” Thea shrugged, face reddening. “I mean–sorry. I’m not trying to–sorry.” The last thing Felix needed was a reason to be scared. 

The smell of wet fur burned Thea’s nostrils; how was it possible for this room to smell worse? She looked down. How was it possible for Felix to keep a positive outlook if this was their reality? Wasn’t this all silly? Stupid? “Felix, I…” Thea swallowed, words mixing in her head about how sorry she was, how she thought it was okay if Felix wanted to complain, how she really could still see Nora’s paintings when she closed her eyes. “Felix…” Nothing came out and then, the knocking. How was she supposed to spin mysteriously wall knocking as a good thing? Fuck it! If Felix wanted to try and smile about this, Thea would do the same. She wasn’t going to remind them how shitty this all was. She forced another smile and was by their side. “Wow! It’s like your own personal, uh, wall drums!” Thea knocked on the brick and was answered by a squeak and then another, and another. 

A rat shot out from under the boiler and Thea squealed, flattening herself against the wall. “J-just a fun companion for you!” But then there was another and another, and another. Then the rats started to pour out from the cracks in the wall like rushing water, squeaking a cacophony of hungry sounds. “So many potential friends!” An ocean of roiling friends, swarming the floor. “Basically free carpet!” A carpet that pulled up in waves until congealed into a pillar of wet, writhing bodies. “Art installation!” And definitely not a large coordinated group of rats that could eat them. 

—

It was clear that Thea was… uncomfortable with this new arrangement. Felix could hardly blame her — they were uncomfortable, too. But they didn’t want Thea to worry, didn’t want to take up any more space in her mind than they were worth. Worrying wouldn’t help them any more than it would help her, anyway. Wasn’t people worrying about them what had landed them here to begin with? Wouldn’t their problems be so much smaller if they were capable of just not forcing them onto other people’s shoulders? Leo used to accuse them of being whiny, of claiming that the whole world was against them, and maybe he’d had a point. Maybe if Felix just learned how to deal with their problems on their own, their life would be easier. 

“I’m not really worried about rats,” he assured her. Or… tried to assure her. It was hard to keep their voice from shaking, hard to keep themself from crumbling. Felix wasn’t good at this. These days, Felix wasn’t sure they were good at much of anything. “I’m sure they won’t eat me. They’re, like… roommates. You know?” But Thea’s voice sounded sad as she said his name, sadder when she said it again, and Felix wanted to collapse. They wanted to tell her that it was okay, even if they knew it wasn’t. What good would any of it do? Admitting it wasn’t okay, insisting it was… neither option would do anything to fix the situation. The only fix could come from Leo, and Felix didn’t think he was looking to resolve their problems any time soon.

And then, before they could decide what to say, a rat shot into the room. And then another, and another, and another, and was it just Felix, or were their tails all tied together? Thea was trying very hard to be positive, and Felix appreciated it even if it was a little exaggerated at the moment. “Um, maybe we should —” There was a loud chorus of squeaking. “Maybe we should take a walk! Right?” The rats were between them and the door.

—

Thea thought Felix should be worried about the rats. There was something to be said about cats and rats and maybe they could pounce on them in their fursuit but it didn’t make any of it okay. It didn’t transform the boiler room into a suburban mansion. In fact, at this very moment, this was definitely a rat mansion. The giant glob of rats—or did it become one rat now that they were all twisted up?—seemed to her to be slowly shimmying in their direction. “Yeah! A walk!” She laughed shakily. “D-do we go around or through the rats? Uh, do we ask nicely?” Toronto had its fair share of rats, but they had always been scurrying around the subway or running around dumpsters. Up close, she realized, rats were kinda scary. “Um, hey Mr, Ratatouille sir, maybe we could just scooch by and…” The blob writhed at them. It was a little odd to Thea how it seemed to grow larger and loom over them; it was definitely blocking the door. 

Thea tucked herself behind Felix. Maybe they could solve this? If they put on their fursuit maybe it would scare the rats? But…here was yet another thing for Felix to deal with; another problem, another inconvenience. Thea called herself Felix’s friend but when had she ever done anything for them? Perhaps, for once, it was time for her to be useful. Perhaps it was time for the wolf to be. “Wait!” She stepped out in front of Felix, waving her arm out. “I got this!” Yes, the wolf was a nuisance and yes she had never once turned when she meant but she’d also never seen a blob of rats before. Today was a day of firsts. Today was a good day. 

Thea hunched down, flexing her arms and curling her fingers into a tight fist. Despite shivering with fear, she willed her voice to be steady as she let out a droning ‘power-up’ noise. It seemed to work in anime, she thought, so why not for this? Drawing power into her bones, she sprung up, extended her arms, and yelled: “wolf!” Nothing happened. Sweaty, she tried again. “Wolf!” Lurching forward, the rat-blob shot a twisted ball of rats at her, which she avoided by screaming and falling down. She scurried backwards, scrapping her palms on the damp boiler room concrete. “Sorry! I thought that would work!” Her voice was trembling. The floor was nice; she stayed down there, drawing her knees up to her chest. “C-could you maybe change into your fursuit?” 

—

 Right. How did they get around the rats? Thea tried talking to them, which didn’t seem very effective. But maybe that was because there was a problem with how she was doing it, right? “Remy,” they whispered towards Thea. “The rat in Ratatouille is named Remy, not Ratatouille! Ratatouille is the name of the, uh, the dish. And a pun. Because it’s got ‘rat’ in it.” Was that helpful? Maybe the rats would enjoy being compared to a famous, well-respected rat. It would be like someone comparing Felix to Antonio Banderas! They’d be honored to have such a comparison made about them, and maybe the rats would feel similarly. 

Thea didn’t seem particularly interested in correcting herself with the name, though. She was hiding behind Felix, which seemed really fair since Felix was bigger and older and probably more experienced in fighting even if they didn’t really want that experience. Felix prepared themself to… figure out the rat situation, intent on protecting Thea (did she need protecting from rats? They were unsure.), but Thea’s voice ringing through the boiler room gave them pause. She stepped around them, seeming ready to take charge. Felix blinked at her, but decided to let her happen. Maybe she had a plan, right?

Or… maybe she didn’t. Thea was doing some weird hunched thing, making noises that Felix thought they might have heard on Dragon Ball Z as a kid, and they weren’t sure how helpful that was going to be here. Then she was… yelling wolf? In all fairness, Felix had never seen the process of a werewolf shifting before. They’d fought plenty of werewolves in the ring, but they only ever saw them before and after the shifting was done. Never during. So… maybe this was how it happened. Except if it was, it wasn’t happening now. Maybe it was performance anxiety? Felix tried to send positive vibes Thea’s way. Then the rats tried and succeeded to send more rats Thea’s way, which seemed to break her concentration. Felix couldn’t really blame her for that. They scrambled back, too, heart pounding. “It’s okay! You looked really cool!” She didn’t, but he wasn’t one to kick someone when they were down. “My… fursuit?” Realizing she was asking them to shift, they hesitated. “It’s — I mean, it could be dangerous in — in a small space, with this kind of…” Could they shift enough to scare the rats? As long as they didn’t shift so much that they lost control, it would be fine. Right? “I mean, um, sure! Yeah! I can try that!”

—

“Did I?” Thea looked up, eyes wet (as they often were) and lips quivering. “Was I cool?” Being told she was cool from Felix was like being told she was cool from Felix—there was no metaphor for this. Felix was the coolest person ever, so it was very, very cool. Immediately, Thea perked up. “I’m sorry I got your name wrong!” she yelled at the rats. She stood up and brushed herself off, finding that the boiler room had a seemingly infinite supply of dust and dirt. Like a beach, she imagined she’d be finding boiler room dirt on her for weeks. “It’s okay if it’s dangerous,” Thea said quietly, watching the writhing bodies of rats. Maybe Felix was worried about eating her the way she was worried about them? Or eating anyone? She’d never seen Felix eat anyone, but she didn’t really watch all the fights—they confused her knowledge of science and made her brain hurt trying to figure out the biology. That was why Felix was in the fursuit, that made sense. Of course, it wasn’t as though her wolfish shifting made any sense either—she wished it was just a fursuit. But questioning her own, stupid, desperate explanations wasn’t what she wanted to do now. 

“It’s okay,” she repeated. “If you hurt me, I think that’d be okay because you’d be saving me, right? So it balances out! And then you won’t have these rats anymore! So that’s like, free extermination!” Thea smiled. Compared to The Wolf, Felix’s cat was much nicer. And what was the worst it would do to her anyway? A little cat scratch? “I’ll be okay,” she assured her friend while the rat blob continued to bubble and burst out more rats that scampered back in as it glided slowly towards them. Just as Felix had done for her, she sent them good vibes. And for extra luck, she gave them a thumbs up and stepped back. 

It couldn’t be that bad, could it? The cat was nice, she reminded herself. “The cat is nice,” she told Felix. Nothing bad would happen. 

—

“Yeah! You looked really cool!” They weren’t sure if it was true or not. Felix, of all people, wasn’t the best judge of when something was cool and when it wasn’t. They’d been told, in no uncertain terms and from no small amount of people, that they were the opposite of cool themself, that every attempt they made to seem better than they were was little more than an embarrassing display. But Thea cared about their opinion. Thea wanted them to like her. Felix knew it, even if they didn’t really understand why. And the last thing they’d ever do was make her feel small. 

She said it was okay if they hurt her, and Felix shook his head so quickly that it hurt a little. “It’s not okay,” they insisted. “It isn’t. It wouldn’t be okay at all.” Hurting people, hurting friends wasn’t the sort of thing Felix could excuse, even if it was in an attempt to save them. “I’m going to — I’m going to do it just a little bit. So it will be less dangerous. And — and maybe it’ll just scare them away.” Cats were a natural predator of rats, they were pretty sure. Maybe if they shifted just a little, they’d smell enough like a jaguar to spook the rats. Closing their eyes, they focused on their arms. They let bones snap and mend in a different form, let fur sprout from the skin. It sounded sickening, and didn’t look much better, but they stopped the shift before it could travel up to their chest. With their arms now somewhere halfway between human and jaguar, they took a step forward.

“You better go away!” They shouted at the rats. “Before I, um, eat you!” They hoped they wouldn’t have to eat any rats.

—

Thea hadn’t expected such a strong rejection of her offered reassurances. She flinched, blinking at them. She didn’t know a lot about the fursuit, but it didn’t seem so bad to her. She hadn’t heard anything about Felix eating people, or having trouble changing back, or doing anything evil at all. She knew she had an obvious bias—she liked Felix, she thought they were cool, she thought they were a good person—but was she overlooking something? Her voice dropped to a whisper, strong in its conviction, “it’ll be okay.” Thea couldn’t turn into The Wolf; she didn’t really know how and, anyway,  it had a terrible track record. The only times she’d avoided eating people was, oddly enough, either running to or being led to a washroom. Was the washroom the key? Were monsters afraid of toilets? Sadly, the boiler room wasn’t a washroom. She supposed that if there was nothing left, if Felix really didn’t want to, she could do it. She’d find a way to do it. “It’ll be okay.” Because it had to be. 

Then, Thea watched with bulging eyes. Obviously, it was not a fursuit. If she was being honest with herself, she’d probably know that for some time. How was she supposed to go back to pretending like it was after this? Felix fursuiting—really, they needed to come up with a word for when a human transforms into an animal. Oh! Animorphing! Felix animorphing was both disgusting and weirdly fascinating. What she remembered of The Wolf told her that she didn’t look much better when she did it. Did it hurt them as much as it hurt her? Maybe that was Felix’s apprehension? She’d apologize once this was all over; she didn’t want Felix to hurt. Her bones ached in solidarity. “Yeah!” she cheered. “Go Wildcat!” This would totally work! Thea was fully confident. 

Then she looked at the rat blob and wasn’t. “Uh, I don’t think it’s working, Felix.” The blob seemed angrier? It was hard to assign emotions to a swarming tangle of rats but to Thea, its wiggling seemed impassioned. Typically things that were afraid moved away, not closer. “If I had to guess, I think it wants to absorb you into its rat body.” Which was a hypothesis she wasn’t excited to prove. “Uh, Felix, I know you don’t want to but maybe just like, eat it a little?” Thea mimed the action from her rat-free corner. “Like a nibble?” 

—

Thea was quiet and reassuring and Felix wasn’t sure he deserved any of it. Part of the problem with living in the boiler room was in that lack of separation between his life and his work. This was the building in which he had done terrible things to people who might have been good and might have been bad but didn’t deserve to be hurt either way. This was the building where he lay down at night and tried to sleep. This was the building where he spilled blood on the floor. This was the building where he sat with Thea and talked about decor stylings. It was hard to believe that anything could ever be okay within these walls, hard to think that they could do the things they’d done and still be decent after. Thea wanted them to be okay, but Felix wasn’t sure they remembered how to be.

They had to try, though. This rat thing, whatever it was — normal rats or some supernatural variation of them — couldn’t be allowed to hurt Thea. What if it bit her and gave her rabies or something? Felix couldn’t forgive themself for letting Thea get rabies just for visiting them in their sad little boiler room. They shifted, feeling… almost heroic as Thea cheered them on, even if they flinched at her usage of their fighting name. Wildcat wasn’t who Felix wanted to be. It never had been. But if that was what was needed to resolve this situation, they’d tap into it. They took a step towards the bundle of rats, shaking their furry, clawed hands. 

The rats did nothing. Felix’s hands dropped a little, uncertainty crawling up their spine. “I — You’re right, it’s not working,” they agreed, brow furrowed. “I thought rats were scared of cats. Shouldn’t it be scared of me? Hey!” They yelled at the rats. “You should be scared of me!” The rats remained utterly unafraid. Felix deflated a little. “I really don’t want to eat them,” he complained, picking absently at the fur on his arm. “I don’t know where they’ve been. It seems — I mean, it’s just unsanitary, isn’t it? To eat a rat. Plus, it would be gross. And, like, can my stomach even digest rats?” Their stomach had digested worse. They knew that. But… “What if they have rabies? Can you get rabies from eating a rabid rat? I really don’t want to eat them, Thea.”

—

Thea deflated with Felix. Well, she’d lived a good life. Well, actually, no she hadn’t! She’d barely done anything with her life at all. Nothing on her 78-part plan/vision board that she drafted when she was 13 had come true. One of the points was to become the Prime Minister, and maybe that one was impossible, but the other 77 parts were still valid goals! She wanted to travel, she wanted to eat weird foods, she wanted a house, she wanted to adopt an old dog, she wanted to live. The Wolf had taken so many things from her; her life as she knew it, her sense of normalcy as she knew it, friends and family and any chance of going to the moon. It wasn’t fair. Her only crime had been walking; all she’d done to ruin her life was walk through a park. 

Still, Thea wanted to live. She’d been doing a good job of it, she thought; she had friends, she had a stable (albeit illegal) job, she ate people—sure—but that wasn’t her fault! She wanted to live. She liked living. She was a good person. It wasn’t fair. The black hole— where The Wolf’s bulging full-moon eye stared out—pulsed. If Felix didn’t want to do it—and why should they have to? Had they not done enough? Had they not suffered enough? Wasn’t their life just as unfair as hers? Both of them were good people; both of them deserved good lives. If Felix didn’t want to, she could. She told herself she could. She would. And it’d be okay because it had to be; because she wouldn’t accept anything else. 

“You don’t have to eat them,” she said with a steady voice. “I think it’s unlikely they have rabies. But that’s okay. You help me all the time and this time…” Thea let her words fall away. She turned to Felix and smiled. Hunger rose and collapsed inside of her like the 4000 miles to the earth’s molten core; a big drop she flung herself down, stomach churning. Animorphing on command wasn’t a skill she possessed but it felt like The Wolf was asking and it felt like she was letting it in and it felt like she was in control. She focused her thoughts on the cruelty of life; the bubbling injustice and the painful itch of being in her terrible, weak, frail body. She thought about all the simple things she wanted and couldn’t have. She thought about how much she missed looking up at a full moon. She thought about how long it’d been, how few answers she had, how far away she was from a cure, how much she hated The Wolf and herself and how terrible it’d be to be eaten by rats. 

The sound of Thea’s bones cracking echoed through the boiler room. Her skin tore and patches of bloody white fur speared through her shredded flesh. As always, the pain transcended articulation and dissolved into simple, primal curses. For a moment before her thoughts shuddered away, swallowed up by the black hole, Thea was able to clutch the delusion that somehow, she was in control. The Wolf lunged at the mass of rats, pulling along ribbons of Thea. Its jaw unhinged and snapped and under its fangs dozens of wet rats squealed and popped. The rats scampered over The Wolf’s large, hunched body—the boiler room was too small for it—and the creature picked each off, tossing them into its open mouth. Bits of rat rained down the room: tails, legs, heads and eyes that had popped out and now rolled around like wet rocks. Blood misted around the hungry creature. 

The Wolf didn’t move much—it couldn’t in the limited space—and so hunting the last of the rats was a show of stomping around in a tight circle and flattening rats under its grotesque paws: gnarled with muscle and articulated like human hands and feet. Crushing the final twitching tail under its foot, all of its hungry attention turned to Felix. The pupils in its glowing yellow eyes constricted to a pin; blood dripped from its muzzle. Its lungs filled and whistling out from its bloody nose was the wheezing, heaved breath of a human too close to one’s ear. Words twisted in the echo of its exhale. Words that sounded like “help” and others that dissolved like faraway laughter. The Wolf couldn’t speak, and didn’t understand it, but the creature was forged by the mockery of humanity; for every piece of it that could’ve been human, a dozen more were twisted approximations. The Wolf looked more like a stitched collage of creatures than one itself: the large round, pin-pupil eyes of a snarling tiger, the general wolfishness, the wheezing of a human, the hunched stance of a gorilla, the bulging muscles that danced between the evolutionary lines separating canis and homo. 

The only thing that grounded The Wolf as a creature of this earth was its simplistic motivation: it wanted to eat. It wasn’t picky, either. It could eat a rat, it could eat a cat. 

—

Something seemed to shift within the room. Thea was afraid, and then she deflated, and then she became shockingly calm. Felix felt a strange panic building in their chest, some quiet question as to whether or not this was normal. Had she gone into a state of shock? Should they be laying her on the dirty floor and elevating her feet, or was that only for the kind of shock that came with a physical injury? They split their attention between her and the bundle of rats, anxiety clinging to both. They resigned themself to the inevitability of the shift, wondered if the jaguar would hurt anyone. If this was what it took to save Thea, they could do it. They knew they could do it.

But maybe they wouldn’t have to.

Thea stepped forward, and before Felix could question what she was doing, the familiar sound of bones snapping filled the boiler room. Usually, that sound came from Felix, was accompanied by the pain of their own shift. This time, it was different. They’d seen other people shift before, of course; their siblings, Wyatt, they’d even caught sight of Samir before fights. But there was something different about this. Maybe it was knowing that it was Thea, knowing that she was hurting all the while. Or maybe wolves just shifted differently when there wasn’t a full moon driving them to do so. Either way, it was hard to watch. Felix wasn’t sure if Thea would prefer he keep an eye on her or if she’d want them to look away, so he settled for something in between, focused on a spot just above her head so that the shift was in their peripheral vision. 

It was brutal, the shift. Even without giving it their full attention, that much was painfully obvious. It looked more painful than any shift Felix had experienced themself, and they wondered if this was the norm for Thea. Was it always so bad? Was this her average monthly experience? Guilt at letting her be the one to shift churned their stomach, their chest tightening at the thought that they could have spared her from this even as the knowledge that the jaguar wouldn’t have spared her from his claws and his teeth came close at its heels. 

But regardless of how necessary or unnecessary it might have been, Thea’s shift was effective. The wolf made quick work of the rats, stomping and snapping and making a bloody mess in the boiler room floor. Felix grimaced as the sounds of the rodents’ screams filled the air, a chaotic chorus that was more horrifying than it was anything else. Despite the threat they’d posed to the pair in the boiler room mere moments before, Felix felt a hint of sympathy towards the rats. They hadn’t asked for any of this.

All too soon, the last of the rats had been dealt with, and the wolf turned back to Felix. Hesitantly, the balam raised their hands, shuffling backwards until the backs of their feet hit the mattress behind them. There was nowhere to run, in the boiler room. Most of the space was occupied by the wolf. “Thea?” Felix hesitated. “Can you, um… shift back now?”

—

The Wolf’s hunched back scraped along the ceiling. It was so hungry, every inch of its mangled skin burned to eat. The bloody white hairs on its body stood up, responding to the rumbling inside its stomach. Nothing was enough for The Wolf; it needed to take more, it needed to eat until it turned whole. The food always went down and vanished, crushed into a pulsing black hole. Not everything was food, The Wolf learned, though found it difficult to know. The Wolf knew it liked the juicy food, like the rats, so full of warm blood. The warmth was welcome, inside The Wolf everything was cold—the freezing expanse of space. Food was a small, warm star swallowed and for a moment it brought peace. And then it was gone and there needed to be more. And so, it knew it liked the warm food, the food with thumping hearts. This food’s heart echoed in its ears. This food was sweat and dirt. This food was a thin line in its wide vision. The Wolf moved closer, white plumes of excitement whistling out of its nostrils. It inhaled and exhaled in a wheezing accordion laugh. 

Behind it, a rat cracked in half squeaked with pained life. The Wolf spun around, whacking its tail into metal pipes, which rattled and hissed in response. The Wolf crushed the rat in its mouth, crunching its bones and slurping its blood. The Wolf stomped back around, hungrier for the bigger food now than it was before. The rat’s tail dangled from its bloody mouth. It took one step and then the pipes burst and shot hissing steam into its face. The creature roared—a sound like a wet death rattle—and swung its large hands around the room. Stumbling around, The Wolf hit something that must’ve been the food. It lunged and clamped down, chewing on the corner of the mattress. A spring popped loose and rolled away. The Wolf took a while to discern if something was food or not. For now, it was convinced the mattresses was, and chewed up the springs—bones in its mind—and swallowed the fabric—skin and muscles. 

—

It was difficult, sometimes, for Felix to wrap their mind around other shifters. They understood balams, knew how things worked for themself and their siblings. They knew that they and the jaguar spirit their body housed were two separate entities, two beings stuffed in the same small space. Their relationship was a symbiotic one, but they weren’t one and the same. For a while, they’d assumed all shifters were like that. They’d only known the vaguest amount of information about other shifters, but didn’t it make sense that they all had spirits inside them? Didn’t it make sense that it was the same for everyone, a sacred thing passed down from one generation to the next? It was only as they began to know more shifters that they realized it wasn’t true. Mona was still herself when she was the fox, still in control. Wyatt and Anita, too, didn’t consider their shifted states as being separate from their non shifted forms. Werewolves seemed the closest to balams in the sense of control, in the way of being someone else when shifted, but it was still different. There was no spirit there, no separate entity. 

It made the lines blur, just a little bit. Was this Thea, this large, hulking mass of blood and fur advancing towards them like a cat to a mouse? Or was it someone else, some other being that shared her body, desperate to bite down on Felix the same way it had the rats? How many souls did her body house? And, at the end of the day, how much did it really matter?

They swallowed, heart pounding. They were afraid, and not only for themself. They knew what it was like to wake up after a shift with blood in your teeth, knew how it felt to wonder what you’d done or who you’d hurt when you hadn’t been yourself. Felix wouldn’t wish something like that on Thea, who was kind and soft and brave and his friend. Their eyes darted around the room for an escape, but the wolf stood between them and the door. For a moment, it seemed it was about to strike… and then, the dying squeaks of a rat behind it grabbed its attention away. Felix had never imagined that they might one day owe their life to a rat, but that certainly seemed to be the case here. With the wolf distracted — first by the rat, and then by the mattress — Felix was able to dart by it and out the door, pulling it shut behind them. As they moved the heavy lock on the outside of the door into place, they tried to ignore the pang of guilt that stabbed through them. This was better for Thea, too. They’d let her out when the shift was finished.

—

A mattress could almost be mistaken for a human; oiled with human sweat, dampened by the humidity. Almost. The Wolf crunched down a sizeable hole, ripping out the guts of the mattress, before its attention stirred. The Wolf skittered around; sniffing the blood-soaked air; listening for the rhythm of a beating heart. There, it thought, its animal mind driven by instinct. It lunged and shattered its nose against the heavy door. It bellowed in its wheezing way, whining like a rusted hinge. It shoved its broken muzzle under the crack and sniffed wildly for the meal that waited on the other side. The Wolf scrapped its paw along the crack, clawing at the ground. And again. And again. Until the hunger went away, and fatigue set in, and all The Wolf wanted was to curl up. 

Thea wanted the same as she came to herself, her body singing with bone-deep anguish. She shivered in pain, raising her hand to her bloody nose, which throbbed worst of all. Despite the pain, she looked around frantically. Was Felix here? There was so much blood and so much gore scattered around. Suddenly, her transformation didn’t seem like a good idea. “Felix?” She called cautiously, hoping that she’d done it again, just like that time with Emilio; hoping she’d controlled the monster. And she could now, couldn’t she? Emilio was still alive, Felix must be too. Surely, she’d figured it out. The rats were gone. Everything was okay. 

“Felix?” She called out again, twisting away from the door. She grabbed scraps of Felix’s poor mattress—how terrible that the rats ate it!—and wrapped herself up. “Felix?” The longer she was greeted by silence, the more she believed she’d killed her friend. 

—

They listened as the mattress was devoured, pressing their back against the heavy metal door and sliding down until they sat on the cold floor. They pulled their knees up to their chest and buried their face against them, clenching their teeth as the door against their back vibrated with the efforts of the wolf hurling its body against it. He could walk away, he knew; no one would fault Felix for running, for taking off down the hall and taking shelter in the locker rooms or the gyms where fighters sparred and practiced. No one would have blamed them if they’d run from the Grit Pit altogether, really, besides maybe Leo. The weight of his back against the door wasn’t doing anything, wasn’t adding to the force keeping it shut. They were holding the door shut the same way an insect in an open field held up the sky, and they knew it. But Felix couldn’t bring themself to move, couldn’t fathom the idea of running away this time. This was Thea behind the door. She would come back to herself eventually, and she shouldn’t have to be alone for it.

So he forced his ears to shift just enough to make out every sound behind that heavy metal door, forced themself to listen to the wails and the whines and the snuffling beneath the crack that separated them. Eventually, the sounds grew quieter. They were replaced by bones snapping back into place, shuffling that sounded more human. Felix’s legs ached as they forced themself from the position they’d held for far too long, stretching his back and letting out a small, shuddering breath. 

Thea called their name from behind the door, and they recognized the panic in her tone. He knew firsthand what it was to wake up with no memory of the destruction that surrounded you, how it was to not know all the things you didn’t know. She must have been scared; she must have been worried. Felix pulled the lock open, the sound seeming to echo as they yanked on the door. “I’m here, I’m here,” they called as they opened it. “Hey. Are you okay? I’m right here, it’s okay. You, um… You got rid of the rats.”

—

Thea would’ve jumped for joy, if only her limbs weren’t screaming rocks of agony. “Felix.” She sighed, tears pooling in her eyes. She’d done it! Twice! (Three times, if she was counting ice cream with Van) Her shaky voice couldn’t hold her relief and her optimism, so instead, it fell from her eyes. “Maybe I can get a new job as an exterminator.” She could control it! Well, two times wasn’t enough to draw a proper conclusion but like a good little wannabe scientist, she felt she now had enough evidence to begin with experimentation. Her attempts at getting a cure came to nothing, but getting control might prove to be more fruitful. “I’m totally okay,” she said, though she was far from physically okay. 

Mentally, though, she couldn’t be happier. “That was very reckless,” she said, admonishing herself in a complimentary tone. “And I shouldn’t have done it.” But she wasn’t thinking that: she was thinking about how great this was, how next she would test The Wolf. She thought she should’ve felt guilty, but even thinking she ought to wasn’t enough to make it true. Felix was alive and her mind was free. “But I’m okay.” Yes, she was okay. Felix was okay. She’d gotten rid of the rats, just like she wanted to. Her nose was a little broken, but she also knew that when the full moon came—perhaps it wasn’t something to dread after all—her body always seemed to right itself; she always felt a little better. “Are you okay?” She asked, the final barrier to her river of glee. 

Thea wobbled up to her feet, holding the shreds of the mattress close. She clutched a dented pipe to keep herself steady. “I guess…I guess you know now that I’m also a furry.” She sighed. “I really do wish I was a cat though.” If she could control it, if it wasn’t something to fear…maybe she looked cool even, the way Felix did when they were fursuited/animorphed. She couldn’t like The Wolf—she never would—but clearly she was capable of working with it. Clearly, nothing was wrong. Everyone was okay. She’d gotten rid of the rats, Felix even said so!

—

She looked so relieved, and Felix knew what that felt like. They’d been there, hadn’t they? They’d come back from a shift with their hands clean and no blood under their fingernails, and they’d clung to the notion that it meant something, that not tearing someone apart was an accomplishment instead of the expected end result of existence. He’d never take it from her, of course. Felix was the last person who could talk to anyone else about control, given their own track record. This time, Thea’s jaws closed around only rats. And maybe next time would be different, but wasn’t it okay to celebrate this time? Wasn’t it all right to be happy with a victory, even if it was small and temporary? “Your nose is bleeding,” they pointed out, guilt ebbing in their chest. She’d hit the door pretty hard, and while the wolf might not have cared, Thea probably did. “You should — I mean, you should probably see a doctor. I, uh… I think it might be broken.” They knew what a broken nose looked like; they’d sported more than a few of their own in these very halls over the years.

Maybe it was reckless. Maybe all of it was. But they were both alive, and Thea looked pleased with herself, and maybe that meant something. Maybe they couldn’t really ask for much else, in the end. They nodded adamantly as she turned the question around on them, glancing down at themself as if to confirm it. No injuries, no tacky feeling of blood on his skin. “I’m okay! I didn’t — I mean, there was no — Nothing bit me, or anything.” Not the rats, and not Thea, either. And, perhaps more importantly, they hadn’t hurt anyone. To Felix, that would always matter more. They wanted to hurt people so much less than they wanted to make sure they were unharmed themself.

Felix took half a step forward as Thea stood, wondering if she would want him to help her or not. Coming out of a shift could be disorienting, at least for them. They weren’t sure if it was the same for her or if the broken nose was doing most of the heavy lifting when it came to her unsteadiness. They let out an uncertain chuckle when she mentioned furries. Was that what she called it, even when it was her? Felix wasn’t sure how to take that. “Uh, yeah. I, um… I guess so. I wouldn’t say being a cat is all good, though. Sometimes, it’s… scary.” But so was being a werewolf. Hadn’t this been proof of that? “It doesn’t matter, though! Because everything is, uh, good. Right?” They offered her another uncertain smile.

—

“I can’t afford a doctor,” Thea said with a frown. “What do you do after a fight? Maybe I can just do that?” Thea poked her nose and hissed and, just in case, she poked it again and hissed louder—something crunched under her finger. She’d broken her arm once, slipping on ice and smashing into a rock, but the pain in her face was more like a terrible sinus infection. Her voice came out in that reedy way it did when she had a cold. “It doesn’t feel real,” she said, only half referring to her nose; she meant The Wolf, the rats, the mess around them. “It never feels very real.” Once everything was clean, it would be like nothing happened at all. Once her nose was healed, who could remind her that any of this actually happened? 

But wasn’t that what she wanted? To take the uncomfortable abnormalities of her life and slip them seamlessly into normal. If The Wolf was something she could forget, was it finally something she could control? She’d done it now, hadn’t she? Thea felt light, as if she might lift up like a helium balloon. “I’m happy you’re okay. I think…I think I’m getting better at the furry thing.” Thea smiled and pain shocked through her cheeks. She reached out as Felix stepped closer and held on to them to steady herself. “Um, help me to the break room? I keep extra clothes there.” 

Felix’s cat looked like a cat, at least. Felix’s cat looked like a piece of them; but she didn’t argue. As they moved, she repeated: “everything is good.” 

[allwaswell16]

This is a fic rec of One Direction fic writers who both appreciate positive, long comments and enjoy replying back to these comments! This was made in honor of an enthusiastic friend who had a few bad experiences commenting in our fandom and receiving less than kind replies. Instead of just fuming about it, I decided to do something about it. I knew that most writers would absolutely love to receive comments like the ones she leaves, so I made a post asking for writers who fit this to recommend their fics to us. And wow did you all come through for us! 

Below the cut are 54 writers, each with one of their fics to recommend to us! But please be sure to check out all their other fics as well! I’ll put the fics in order of wordcount and I’ll list pairing, rating, and wordcount along with the summaries. 

(Please note that there are really lovely writers out there who also very much appreciate each and every one of their comments, but are too overwhelmed or anxious to reply. I am not at all saying that writers who don’t reply are unappreciative!)

Love After the End of the World by @mercurial-madhouse​ / writing_practice [Louis/Harry, E, 162k]

“Wait. Just so I’m clear in me fucking noggin,” Niall says. “An international worldwide takeover is well under way and the only thing standing between having hot showers and a second end of the world is us five fuckers?”

-----

Society shattered when all electricity suddenly cut off across the globe, plunging the world into darkness. Now, Prometheus Industries is the sole remaining supply of power, a saving grace to those who survived Lights Out. As fugitives in no-man’s land struggling to break into Prometheus HQ, death lurks around every corner for Louis and Zayn. Things get complicated when a routine recon falls apart and Louis collides with Harry and his mates Niall and Liam, survivors with their own agenda.

When staying alive is already a constant battle, the deadliest weakness is to be in love. For Harry and Louis, finding each other sits on top of the endless list of What Else Could Go Wrong.

Hold You Now by @solvetheminourdreams​ [Louis/Harry, M, 131k]

The string within Harry's own sweatpants is now dangling outside of his pocket, stretched so far out that the seams of his pants have tightened. His eyes remain hyper focused on Louis, how oblivious he is—scrolling through his phone without a care in the world, while Harry feels his tilt on its axis.

Three years ago, Harry Styles said goodbye to communications consultancy firm McQuiston Worldwide, leaving a life of travel and agency PR behind. When he accompanies his best friend to a family wedding across the Atlantic, he'll be forced to reopen old wounds and face his past—one that no one wants to hash out, but may just have to.

forever is in your eyes by @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed​ / we_are_the_same [Louis/Harry, M, 125k]

Harry looks fragile in the moonlight, and Louis stands there, pondering, not even sure what it is that he’s thinking of. It’s all just noise in his head, a mix of melancholy and desire, of longing for something that he doesn’t even have a name for.

He wants-

He wants love. He wants to be held and cherished and have a home. Not just a place to lay his head down at night. He wants to be loved the way that Louis had loved creating Harry. He wants his perfect man, but he wants him to be real. He wants Harry to be real-

His lips press against marble, against something cold and unforgiving, and it’s not until his hand comes up to rest against a sculpted neck that his eyes fly open and he stumbles backwards, nearly falling off the stepladder that he’d stood on.

“Jesus Christ.” He whispers, shaking his head and resisting the urge to brush the back of his hand against his lips, erase evidence that isn’t even visible to the naked eye. Harry stands there, as though nothing’s changed, and of course he does, because he’s a statue.

A statue that Louis has just kissed.

don’t want to fight you by @lt2soon​ / starryharry [Louis/Harry, M, 124k]

Louis hates that it’s familiar. He hates that sparring Harry is familiar because they train together. He hates that he even has to spar Harry at all, because Harry is good.

Louis wonders what his life would be like if him and Harry didn’t hate each other. He can’t picture it, really. The incessant bickering that often turns into real arguing, the nasty looks, the eye rolls, the middle fingers. It all feels very necessary at this point.

Or, the one where two fighters can also be lovers because routines are never permanent.

Mine Would Be You by @crinkle-eyed-boo [Louis/Harry, E, 114k]

Louis blinks his eyes open, his eyelids fluttering as the room swims around him. He takes several gulps of beer once he confirms that he’s definitely not hallucinating, that the very first portrait Harry Styles ever painted of him is hanging on that wall.

Louis stares at the wall, his heart jackrabbiting in his chest as he realizes that there’s not just one painting of him, there’s five, the portraits lined up like they’re some sort of storyboard depicting the rise and fall of his deepest love. His greatest heartache. A pain that cut him so deep that he left the fucking country, severing all ties with his life in New York, now suddenly surrounding him as if he’d never left.

Fucking shit motherfucker fuck.

Louis returns to New York City five years after he left it – and the love of his life – behind. He didn't intend to see Harry again, but fate has a funny way of pulling them together, whether they like it or not. After making a begrudging truce, they both start to wonder: Would it be so bad if history repeated itself?

promise your whispers are mine by @lightwoodsmagic​ / lightswoodmagic [Louis/Harry, E, 94k]

"Where did I say it’s been easy for you, or,” he paused, staring at Harry’s lowered head and willing him to look up, “where have you ever gotten the idea that it’s been easy for me either?” When a few beats had passed and Louis was sure the conversation was done, Harry looked up, straight into Louis’ eyes like he was trying to physically pin him in place. “Our situations are completely different and you know it, please stop trying to - .” “Then let me help you fix it, Harry,” Louis interrupted, desperate to reach out and cover his hand with one of his own. “Let me help, please.”

Harry’s the head chef at Azoff’s Catering, and he loves his job; the opportunity has always been more than he could dream of and he’s proud of the food he creates. Until he meets Louis, an event coordinator rising through the ranks with his own company, and who reminds him of the dreams he once had for his own career. While their easy friendship initially thrives in an industry known for chaos and betrayal, they soon discover they both have their secrets, and maybe it’s too late for either of them to try to find happiness outside of their work. Especially when they realise that their happiness might rely on each other.

Playin’ It Safe and Breakin’ The Rules by @local-troubled-writer​ / local_troubled _writer [Louis/Harry, M, 90k]

In his life, Louis Tomlinson set out to do three things: find a way to make art that he loves, make his mum proud, and have as much fun as he could reasonably fit into one lifetime.

--

“Hello?” Harry’s deep voice calls.

“Hi,” Louis pops his head out of his doorway, motioning Harry back. “Louis,” he holds his hand out for Harry to shake and a small grin takes over the popstar’s face. He’s taller than he seems in photographs, but his smile is just the same as the ones that used to wallpaper his sisters’ walls.

“Harry.” He seems to have just gotten off stage, still sweating in a pair of skin-tight black jeans but a soft-looking blue vest. A beige headscarf holds his long curls off his face and he has all the easy confidence of a world-famous pop sensation, but still slouches in a way that isn't unfamiliar to Louis’ own posture.

“Yeah, I know who you are, popstar.” Louis teases, pulling his hand away and jabbing his thumb over his shoulder. “Shall we?”

--

or the One Where Maybe this Fake Relationship Gets a Little Too Real.

Consequences by @allwaswell16​ [Louis/Harry, E, 78k]

Two years ago Harry let his powerful family come between him and the love of his life, something he deeply regrets. Louis has tried to move on from their devastating break up. Sometimes, he even thinks he has. It only takes one moment to freeze them back in time.

An amnesia au

The Sound The Leaves Make In The Heat Of The August Sun by @sleepwalk-living / anderscones [Louis/Harry, T, 76k]

Louis is an elf who lives in the Kingdom’s forest, as far away from the pompous Castle Court as he can get while staying within city limits. He’s a thief out of necessity and is happy enough to steal from the rich when they’re not looking. He notices something mysteriously dangerous happening in his forest one morning and begs for an investigation from the Court, who of course tells him he’s seeing things.

Intro a shamed knight, a runaway prince, a blacksmith, and a mage with fae blood who figure something is better than nothing. The King is all too happy to make criminals out of them and run them thinner than they already are just to prove a point to his son. With the combined powers of Captain Pla- One Direction, they figure it out.

adjudication by @bottomlinsons​ [Louis/Harry, T, 75k]

Harry's been engaged to Princess Charlotte of Ryde for as long as he can remember. He's come to know her, to love her, through the letters she's sent him over the past three years.

But when the wedding finally arrives, Harry quickly learns that nothing is as it seems. With his crown and country at stake, Harry must decide who to trust in this strange new land. And the sly Crown Prince of Ryde doesn't seem inclined to make things easy.

The Ground Below is Above My Feet by @zanniscaramouche​ / zanni_scaramouche [Louis/Harry, E, 63k]

“-ouis, are you awake?”

“M’ff,” Louis manages. Slowly he remembers where he is. Who he is. His nerve endings take stock of his body, the soft sheets twisted around his legs and the warm rush of breath on his face. Harry.

“You were sleeping like the dead,” Harry muses, calloused fingers delicately brushing through Louis’ fringe. “Could barely tell if you were breathing.”

Louis' heart stutters, his throat working hard to swallow the lump of ugly truth. Blinks until Harry’s bright eyes come into focus across the pillow.

He holds back the obvious joke.

Plant New Seeds in the Melody by @vintageumbroshirt​ / 28sunflowers [Harry/Louis, E, 58k]

After losing his husband in a tragic car accident, the last thing Louis needs is to keep running into popstar Harry Styles, who David was quite fond of.

Obviously, that’s exactly what keeps happening.

But as their unlikely friendship blossoms, Louis realizes that, maybe, having Harry in his life was the only good thing that came out of his adverse circumstances. Harry could be just the right person to help Louis find trust and intimacy in someone new.

Live a Thousand Lifetimes by @laynefaire​ / Layne Faire [Zayn/Liam, E, 57k]

It’s 2025.

After secretly writing and producing their first album in ten years, One Direction is weeks away from releasing their first new single and announcing a world tour.

With the whirlwind about to begin again, Liam re-evaluates the last ten years - the fame, the money, the people who changed his life forever - and the person who walked away.

just a flicker in the dark by @falsegoodnight​ [Harry/Louis, E, 57k]

Harry Styles is his case partner. High and mighty, annoyingly smug Harry Styles who’s known him for years and has fucking seen him naked for fuck’s sake.

He glances at Venus who’s blinking up at him with curious eyes, no doubt sensing the agitation sparking in his magic.

“This is not happening,” Louis says loudly. “This is not fucking happening. I am going to kill Liam, oh my god.” He doesn’t even know if Liam is responsible for this but it feels like something he’d do to drive Louis absolutely insane - exes don’t just show up to your assigned haunted house out of nowhere. “Fucking fuck!”

He nearly jumps when Harry knocks again, his muffled voice carrying through the wood. “I can hear you, you know,” he drawls, sounding frustratingly amused.

Louis exhales, resisting the urge to scream.

-

Or, Louis is a struggling witch desperate to prove himself after yet another magic disaster and finds a calling in the haunted house of client Niall Horan. Things get more complicated when he’s assigned a case partner: acclaimed medium and ex-boyfriend, Harry Styles.

I'm On the Hunt Now (I'm After You) by @afangirlfantasy​ [Louis/Harry, M, 56k]

Omegas haven’t been able to shift into their wolves for two hundred years. That is, until Louis Tomlinson changes everything.

Or...an AU where Alpha Harry and Omega Louis have a lot more than falling in love to deal with after The Mating Ceremony.

That Smile and That Midnight Laugh by @uhoh-but-yeah-alright​ / yeah_alright [Louis/Harry, T, 50k]

Harry’s never noticed how lovely Louis really is. Maybe it’s just that she’s usually so guarded – a little tense, a little irritated, a little put out. At least when she’s at school, and also usually when she’s around Nick, which are the only times Harry has really seen her. Until tonight. Tonight Harry’s seen her with her guard completely down. Too busy laughing and enjoying herself to remember to be prickly, maybe. She seems different.

It feels different.

A Ferris Bueller's Day Off AU that picks up right where the movie leaves off, and imagines what might happen if Ferris' girlfriend and sister become friends. And maybe something more, too.

Baby, Won’t You Look My Way? by @peachbootylouis​ / PeachBootyLou [Louis/Harry, E, 50k]

Louis tiptoed to the door and opened it, looking over his shoulder for a moment. Harry looked absolutely gorgeous, almost enough to make him strip back down and give it another go. But that wasn’t who Louis was. So he sighed and stepped outside, leaving back to his flat. And for the first time in years, he felt alive.

Or the where Louis’ routine centered life runs like clockwork until a chance hook up throws a wrench named Harry into it all. But as it may turn out a change in plans could be what Louis has needed all along.

dirty laundry looks good on you by @tomlinvelvetfics​ / tomlinvelvet [Louis/Harry, E, 50k]

When Louis Tomlinson finds his clothes lying in a sad soapy mess on top of the washing machine in which they are supposed to be, he acts upon his anger and retaliates. What he doesn’t expect is having to deal with a six-feet tall, curly-haired and dimpled man in return, who seems to arouse confusing feelings within him and to make his life take an unexpected turn for the better (or worse?).

OR; the utility room is a great place to fall in love.

Passing By by @larryyouknow​ / Larry_you_know [Louis/Harry, E, 48k]

Sometimes, people are in each other's lives just for the briefest of moments. They meet and then go their separate ways because being vulnerable is scary and it might be easier to not let anybody else in. But some people aren’t meant to be just passing by. Maybe when they open their eyes, they can learn things about themselves they haven’t known before. If they let their hearts speak they will find a way to be together.

Or the one where Harry doesn't even know he's into guys until he meets Louis on a boat trip. There's something more to their friendship but it ain't gonna be smooth sailing.

i kiss you (across hundreds of separating years) by @milkcurls / loveroflou [Louis/Harry, M, 44k]

He reminds Louis of the day he met him, the first day of Harry’s first year and Louis’ second, when he stood on wobbly legs beside Zayn, his cheeks flushed and hair parted to the side and tucked neatly behind his ear. He’s all dainty and soft – he’s pretty, Louis can admit that.

He’s also a rich frat boy who fucks every omega that will throw themselves at him – and they all do – so instead of pretending to be a precious little doll Louis thinks he should spend more time learning how to be a decent human being.

or, the stars and two amused boys are playing cupid, and there are one too many coded love letters and a duck plushie that smells like home

don’t want no other shade of blue by @louisisworthit​ / padfootyoudog [Louis/Harry, E, 43k]

“I know you’re putting on an act,” says Harry after a moment, and Louis scowls when he realises the prince is actually amused.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” says Louis.

“All I’ve heard over the past couple of years are rumours of Prince Louis’ kindness, and generosity, and oh, he’s so handsome I can barely pour his tea without shaking!” says Harry, putting on a silly, high-pitched voice for the last bit. Louis’ scowl deepens. “I would already know if you were just another selfish, bratty omega prince. You can’t fool me, darling, but I admire your efforts.”

“As you said,” Louis grits out, “those are only rumours. I assure you, I’m a terrible person.”

prompt 339: it was foretold that Alpha Prince Harry would be mated to a beautiful male omega with eyes that could rival the stone amethyst, but Omega Prince Louis refuses to believe it.

A Thousand More by @travelingwinchester​ / Ot5aresoulmates [Louis/Harry, NR, 42k]

Harry wakes up one morning during the separation of April 2015 missing Louis fiercely. He wonders if they had never been on the X-Factor would they have met. Cue the weirdest "dream" he's ever had in which lessons about the course of true love are learned.

fondre ton absence by @scrunchyharry​ [Louis/Harry, T, 41k]

Harry had never really given much thought to the future. He preferred to let life steer him forward and to follow in the footsteps of Louis, his best friend from as far as his memory went, his lover, his everything. Louis knew better than he did what was good for him.

It changed drastically when Louis was ripped away from him, drafted and sent to the front to fight in a war that Harry had always been sure would never reach him. Too young and too sickly to follow, Harry was left on his own for the first time in his life.

When he thought things could not possibly get worse, Louis went missing at the Somme and was declared dead. While everyone buried and mourned him, Harry never moved on. If Louis were dead, he was sure that he would know it. Their lives were too entwined, he would know if half of his heart had died.

Determined to find Louis, Harry did everything he could in his quest to be reunited with him, except prepare for the state Louis might be in.

He did not prepare for the harsh truth he would have to face: was love possible without memories?

I’ve Been Hoping You’d Be Somewhere Better Than This by @runaway-train-works / runaway _train [Harry/Louis, E, 40k]

“Does she know who it is then, from the New York office?” Louis enquires.

“Yeah, some guy Henry? Henry Styles I think she said?"

“Harry.”

“What?"

“Harry. His name is Harry Styles.” His heart sank. Louis hadn’t met him, they had only shared a couple of emails back and forth, but he knew exactly who he was. And Harry hadn’t just been killing it in the Big Apple, he’s been ripping the place to absolute shreds, nailing some of the most lucrative accounts in the business.

Louis is so fucked.

Or

The one where Louis is up for a promotion, he just has one tiny, little problem standing in his way.

Without you it’s a season I ain’t needing by @whatevertearsyou​​ / perfectdagger [Louis/Harry, M, 38k]

Spring was everything in '17, now I'm just cold Summer fell to fall after all November froze Without you it's a season I ain't needing, I want to go come back home The reds and all the greens don't mean a thing when you're gone Winter means nothing to me now without you.

A long distance relationship au in which Harry is away for a year and Louis is left to pick up the pieces.

take my hand, wreck my plans by @daggerandrose​ / amomentoflove [Harry/Louis, T, 38k,]

Louis meets the man in the center of the room, feeling every eye on him.

“Mr. H,” he whispers.

The man smiles brightly and laughs as if he can’t believe his eyes. “It’s you,” he says breathlessly. “I didn’t think I would see you again.”

“Nor I you, especially under these circumstances.”

“Even so,” Mr H says, his eyes bouncing from Louis’ eyes to his lips. “Will you do me a great honor and join me in leading the first … um…”

“Dance?”

Mr. H laughs and nods. “Yes, that’s the one.”

Louis bites his lips and doesn’t hesitate before whispering, “Yes.”

Mr. H beams and reaches for Louis’ hand. Sparks fly at the touch and a zing of excitement shoots through Louis’ body. His face heats up as he’s afraid his scent would give away his feelings towards the other man.

I Wish, I Found Love by @slytherinzouis​ / friendofhayley [Louis/Harry, E, 37k]

A fandom retelling of the Maiden Without Hands.

Solace is a land of religious hypocrisy, demons, and two ostracized families. When prophets from every denomination foretell a boy of unknown origin who might change the tide of the magical world, is any place safe for him?

Harry and Louis grew up together, two pariahs among their peers. Will their love be able to overcome distance, prophecies, and the trials of finding out who you truly become under pressure?

You Try To Be Everything (I Need) by @lululawrence​ [Harry/Louis, NR, 36k]

Wars, and rumours of wars, were nothing new for the world in the twenty-fourth century. The fighting had evolved over the years, and rarely did it involve traditional weapons. A group most widely known as the Southern Powers gained strength amongst portions of the western European continent and spread quickly.

There was a fight the Southern Powers didn’t expect coming from the north of England, though. Resistance came in the form of an organised underground; a group comprised of people with the Touch that did the best they could to enforce a line that would not be crossed. Slowly, that line was moved from the Channel to boundaries further and further north. It seemed only a matter of time before the Southern Powers took over everywhere.

Until that time, people did the best they could to live their lives in some semblance of normality. For Louis Tomlinson, that sense of normality was about to change when his best friend, Harry Styles, goes missing.

Louis embarks on the journey of a lifetime where he uses his newly developed abilities to search for his friend, even when it takes him to places he never thought he would see while surmounting trials he never could have imagined.

Your Wonder Under Summer Skies by @emilee1421​ / Emilee_1421 [Louis/Harry, NR, 34+, wip]

Needing an escape after a particularly hectic year, Louis decides to join Harry in Italy where Harry is working on his next Gucci campaign. While in Italy the two decide to join an old friend at her county home to enjoy a much deserved break from their usually busy lives. Louis and Harry begin to see their friend in a different light and all three are forced to confront the possibility that their friendship may actually be something much deeper.

Work of Magic by @justalarryblog​ / Bekita [Louis/Harry, NR, 34k]

"C’mon Liam, are you really going to use this against me now? You know the kind of humans his kind is! You know very well why we hunt them!" Louis said, done with the conversation and walking down the hall.

"No! We hunt people who don’t care about others, and neither Harry nor anyone in his family is like that!” Liam exasperated, following behind. “Louis, it's been two weeks, don’t you wanna know how Harry is? Has this hatred taken over so fast?" Liam inquired, knowing the hit a nerve.

"You know what, Liam? I'm not going to have this conversation with you." Louis said decisively, turning his back to his friend ready to go to his class.

But life is never fair, is it? When he turned around he was face to face with Harry in the middle of the hallway. The two stared at each other. Do I hate him? Louis wondered as he watched Harry's eyes fill with tears and seem to be begging for something. He preferred to ignore the pang in his chest and the urge to comfort the boy in front of him. He lowered his head and continued on his way.

Or the one that Louis is a WitchHunter and Harry is a Witch and they keep it as a secret, but they fall in love.

Swear I’ve Known You Since Forever by @louinlavender​ / abaddxns [Louis/Harry, T, 33k]

Harry then pats around his trouser pockets only to remember that Gemma has his phone in her bag so he can’t even call her, and he’s far too intimidated to ask a stranger if he can borrow theirs. She has his wallet, too, so all he has on his person are the stick of gum in his back pocket and his muddy wellies and a too-long scarf he’s ready to ball up and throw the ground, because he’s only sixteen and he’s just a shopboy in a bakery and he’s about to cry twenty minutes into his first music festival that he had to beg to attend, all because he lost his big sister and her uni friends, who didn’t even want him to come in the first place, and—

“Oi, y’alright, mate?” a bright voice asks, just as his eyes start to water.

Or: Harry attends his first music festival and promptly gets lost. Little does he know that the first friendly face he encounters is bound to change his life forever.

Part one of three of 'And The Sun Came Out'—a series detailing the growth of Harry and Louis' relationship through the years after meeting at Leeds Fest as teenagers.

i’m gonna keep this love, if you let me by @tomlinbuns​​ / pixies [Louis/Harry, E, 26k]

Louis makes Harry pretend to be his boyfriend one night out. The rest is history.

Dear Diary (series) by @alwayslarry-vol28​ / kikiberosski16 [Louis/Harry, E, 20k]

Life in quarantine is hard, especially if you're an arrogant son of a bitch and your husband is a stubborn little shit. Harry and Louis argue a lot, so much it affects their daily routines. Harry tries to write his feelings down in a diary, but will this cause more trouble for the couple?

The Golden Prince by @behappyhl​ [Harry/Louis, E, 19k]

When He arrives in London, he’s speechless.

It’s so different from his little hometown, he can’t help the feeling that it is an unknown planet. Everything is bigger; The streets, the buildings, the stores. The people are always running somewhere, always in a hurry. Harry instantly feels out of place.

Or, Harry lives a perfectly normal life until he gets a life changing job opportunity.

The Boy with the Tin Chest and a Glass Heart by @louloubabys1992​​ / louloubaby92 [Louis/Harry, M, 17k]

Alpha Harry Styles, world-renowned author of fairy-tales, is being persuaded by the Beta, Liam Payne to hire a new illustrator. Since Harry’s own illustrations are too graphic for what is supposed to be children’s stories, Liam feels the need is dire. Omega Louis does not agree with Liam since he believes that Harry’s stories are fine just the way they are. Of course this has nothing to do with Louis being totally biased or totally head over heels for Harry. It certainly has nothing to do with being jealous of the mysterious omega illustrator Liam has in mind to team Harry up with. Seriously, it has nothing to do with that at all. Nothing, absolutely nothing, zilch, nada. Yeah...

Sweet Heart by @bluecolouredlou​ [Niall/Louis, G, 16k]

Designing clothes, not falling in love.

That was what Niall had in mind when he first met up with Louis. He couldn't be falling in love with the other omega. Not while work as one of the few omegas at the company was getting more stressful. Not when he was supposed to find an alpha and settle down.

just one look (and i fell so hard) by @disgruntledkittenface​ [Harry/Louis, M, 15k]

Louis takes a small step back, breaking the moment first. “Well, I should–”

“Do you want to come up?”

The words are out of Harry’s mouth before he’d even planned them, and he bites his lip.  

“Oh, thank god,” Louis laughs, stepping back into Harry’s space. “I wasn’t, um…”

“Wasn’t ready to let go of you yet,” Harry finishes quietly, glancing up at Louis.

“Yeah,” Louis nods, reaching up and twirling one of Harry’s curls in his fingers. “Yeah, exactly.”

Harry has wanted to go to the Shubert Theatre ever since he moved to New York and lucked into a rent-controlled apartment just outside of the Theatre District. When he finally gets his chance, he hopes the night can meet his sky-high expectations. But the last thing he could have expected was the man seated next to him.

wasting my time when it was always you by @hometothecanyonmoon​ / sunflower_lwt [Harry/Louis, T, 15k+, wip]

A "Married To The Maverick Millionaire" AU. Louis is the captain of Manchester United, Harry's the heir of the richest charity organization in the country as well as his best friend and they have to fake being married to save both of them from impending doom.

Sounds like love to me by @neondiamond​ [Louis/Harry, G, 14k]

“Do you want to hear the heartbeat?”

Louis watches as Harry’s face falls with the realization that this is one of those things he won’t be able to experience. For a second, Louis considers saying no, to show Harry they’re truly on the same boat through all of this. But he nods in the end, reaching over for Harry’s hand as the doctor flips a switch. Noise fills the room then, and it takes a few seconds for the sound to become clear enough for Louis to make out the baby’s fast heartbeat.

“It’s really fast,” he voices his thoughts out loud as he uses his thumb to tap against the back of Harry’s hand, replicating the rapid rhythm of the baby’s heartbeat. It takes the younger man a little while to figure out what Louis’ doing, but a huge grin breaks out on his face as soon as he does.

“Is that them?” He signs with the other hand, his own eyes starting to tear up when Louis nods.

OR: Harry is deaf, Louis is pregnant. They figure it out.

The Prince and the Youtuber by @haztobegood​ [Louis/Harry, E, 12k]

The Annual Rosendal Spring Gala hosted by the Royal Family is the most prestigious fundraiser in the country. When a problem with the honorary foundation arises, Crown Prince Louis Tomlinson must pick a new worthy foundation on short notice. He discovers the perfect replacement in an unlikely place, while watching his favorite YouTuber, Harrysparkles.

One Way Road To Something Better by @femstyles​ [Harry/Louis, T, 12k]

Four years ago when Louis and Harry moved in together, Louis promised Anne that he’d take care of Harry no matter what. But things don’t always go as planned, and sometimes risky choices have to be made.

Inspired by Don't Let It Break Your Heart

stop the world ('cause i wanna get off with you) by @thedevilinmybrain�� / devilinmybrain [Harry/Louis, E, 12k]

Five times Louis and Harry get walked in on at the worst time, and one time Louis makes sure they don't.

my solitude ain’t the same no more by @dryourtearsaway​​ / louisnights [Harry/Louis, M, 10k]

Louis is a traveling homicide detective who goes to the small town of Holmes Chapel to investigate the murder of a young woman.

somewhere only we know by @quelsentiment​ / wordsnnotes [Zayn/Louis, T, 9k]

Their eyes meet again, and the man suddenly frowns, asking: “Do we know each other?” Oh. So maybe that’s why Zayn is so intrigued with him. He’s always been pretty bad at remembering people’s faces, but there is some kind of vague familiarity to the man’s appearance. “Might help if you told me your name”, he points out. “Right. Sorry, I’m an idiot”, the man chuckles. “I’m Louis. Louis Tomlinson.” And of course. With this voice, Zayn should have known. He’s actually surprised he didn’t recognize it right away. “Lou”, he says, his own voice caught in his throat. “It’s me, Zayn.” Or: Zayn and Louis grew up together, but haven’t seen each other in over a decade. Now they're both in their twenties and meet again on a flight from LA to London, with ten hours in front of them to catch up, and maybe start something new.

I'm Asking You Please, Don't Talk Dirty to Me by @larry-hiatus​ / larry_hiatus [Harry/Louis, E, 9k]

Prompt #68: Harry’s best friend Louis is a nice, well-mannered omega, at least when it comes to sex talk. He has always been closed off and quiet... until Harry hears how Louis talks during his heat. Now, it's all Harry can think about before his upcoming rut... (Original prompt wording edited for clarity)

making me sweat by honey_beeing [Harry/Louis, E, 9k]

A not-exactly University AU where Harry and Louis meet at an orgy where the both of them don't intend to have sex at.

Twist the Knife by @snowjosh​ / jishler [Harry/Louis, E, 6k]

Infuriating, but Louis missed it. Louis missed him. His thighs and his chest and breath and warmth and toothbrush next to Louis’. He missed sex with Harry but he missed his presence more: Louis would settle for watching Harry get himself off if it meant he got to see him; hear the voice that was like a soothing balm over all his wounds.

Two weeks after their breakup, Harry wants his toys back.

the stars are coming home by @harrystinyshorts​ / lsforever [Harry/Louis, G, 5k]

For years Harry has been waiting for their schedules to click just right. Finding a day where he’ll not only be available but also is the only visitor on the premises has been near impossible.

After three years together and nearly a full year of marriage, Harry has finally been permitted to sit in for one of the team’s practices. They get more than they bargained for.

My True Love Gave to Me by @ponymom-stuff​ / ponymom [Louis/Harry, NR, 5k]

After puzzling over a Christmas gift for Louis, Harry comes to what he believes is the ultimate gift for his true love.

Fistiana by @louandhazaf​ / YesIsAWorld [Zayn/Louis, NR, 2k]

They met in the center of the ring and bumped their bare knuckles together.

Strawberries and Cigarettes by @hlhome28​ / ThoseFookin_Avacados [Louis/Harry, T, 2k]

strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you

"Need help there, love?" "Oh god, yes-" Harry turned around to look at the source of the voice and his heart dropped to his stomach as they caught each other's eyes.

Or on a very lonely valentines day, Harry's car breaks down in an unknown alleyway, where he bumps into a blue-eyed boy who takes him back seven years ago on the same day.

Safe Like Springtime by @beelou​​ / cherrylarry [Louis/Harry, G, 1k]

On the way out of the park, Gabriel gasps suddenly and points across the grassy area. He starts running.

When Harry catches up to Gabe, - that boy runs fast - he's with a man and his dog and Gabe is petting the dog.

"Gabriel James. You know better than to run off like that! Did you ask to pet the dog?" Harry scolds.

"I'm sorry Uncle Harry. I saw a dog and I just wanted to see the fluffy dog! Look how fluffy!" Gabe exclaims.

Harry rolls his eyes and turns his attention to the dog owner. The very attractive dog owner.

Or, the one where Harry takes his nephew to the park and runs into Louis and his Labradoodle Clifford.

best hangover cure by @loulovehome​ [Louis/Harry, E, 1k]

"A wank will miraculously cure your hangover, honey."

Stay Till The A.M. by @flexible-racoon​​ / goneforbooks [Harry/Louis, G, 1k]

It's 23rd July and Louis reminisces.

[astronomoney]

IDK if you're still taking requests or not, but the latest fix on D. Wayne was 😍🥰. For part 2 can you add the prompts 11 from fluff, 6 from angst and 20 from neutral pretty please?🥺🥺

Pairing: Damian Wayne x fem!reader (age 16ish)

Prompts: Prompt list ☁︎11- “Hey hey hey, it’s ok i’m here. It’s just me ok, you’re safe.” ᜊ6- “I don’t care about you anymore.” “i’m starting to think you never did.” ⚛︎20-“Please be quite, i can’t even hear myself losing my will to live.”

Summary: After the fight you had with Damian things have been tense but sometimes bottling up your emotions only make things worse (i can’t do summary’s to save my life) enemies-to-lovers because i’m a sucker for that shit

Warnings: Blood, swearing, kinda character death i guess, Damian being a dick as always, angsty teens being angsty teens

A/n: this is a part 2 but you can find part 1 here once again this took waaaay to long to write literally i could not figure out what to do but whatever because i did it and i’m proud of myself for it (Masterlist)

Word count: 3k jeez these are getting longer

Tag list: @battlenix @pleasestophoney wow look at that multiple tags

Part 1

Love and War pt2

Spending spring break in Wayne manor had its ups and downs. Ups included a huge library in the south wing, delicious homemade meals every day, and the best water pressure you’d ever experienced. The downs included 8 hours of training daily, getting lost while trying to find a bathroom, and having to spend way too much time with your arch enemy.

Technically he's not your enemy. At least he’s not supposed to be. After the fight you had last week you couldn’t be sure. You’d had fights with Damian before but this felt different. Usually after a fight he'd sulk for a few hours but then it would go back to normal, but this time it didn’t go back to normal. Damian had been avoiding you for almost 8 days.

You knew the fight ended too soon and you both had more to say but if he was going to act like a child and ignore you then you weren't going to stop him. You still had to patrol with him but it was considerably quieter. The manor was big enough for the both of you and after a few days you'd figured out his schedule and how to get around him. Tim let you train with him, so as long as you stayed on your side of the gym and Damian stayed on his you didn't have to interact with him at all.

It wasn't until the 4th day of break that you had to talk to him. Bruce had to go meet with the league for the day so training ended early. You had a couple hours before dinner and decided reading would be the best use of that time. You walked down one of the many hallways lazily dragging your hand along the wall until you reached a door. You couldn't remember exactly where you were but you were about 75% sure there was a couch in this room, so you pushed the door open.

Inside you found tall ceilings paired with dark wallpaper, a tall window with the thin white curtains pushed out of the way, and a couch. Actually it was three couches but after 4 days staying here you'd gotten used to the large number of furniture that was there for no reason.

The couches formed a square with the open side facing the window lined wall. The first two couches were empty but when you stepped farther inside the room you saw someone sitting on the third one. Of course the one room you picked to go into also happened to be the one room Damian was sitting in. He looked up from his sketchbook and immediately frowned.

There were two options in front of you. You could back out of the room and leave him be but then you'd be backing down from something that might not even turn into a fight which made you seem weak so really you were left with only one choice. You straighten your back and closed the door behind you, officially leaving you in a room alone with Damian for the first time since the fight. You walked over to the couch facing the windows head on and sat down on the side farthest from him. He watched you the whole time but you paid him no attention, instead you simply opened your book and began reading.

You felt his eyes leave your form and you let out a quiet breath. You heard a page turn and a  pencil being dragged lightly across paper. It had been over a week but nothing seemed to be getting better between you and him. Patrols were a nightmare beforehand but now that he'd switched from constant criticism to almost no comments you found that you preferred the former.

Damian's pencil against the paper was the only sound in the room and yet the silence seemed so loud. You hated it. You hated having to avoid him all the time. You hated not being able to talk to him anymore. You hated how far away he felt even when he was right next to you. Above all you hated that you didn't hate him as much as you used to.

You never realized how much you talked to him until you didn't. It was a weird feeling to miss someone when you hadn't even known you cared about them. You honestly just wanted to apologize and let things get back to normal but as you sat there staring at your book you couldn't bring yourself to say anything.

After three to many nightmares where Damian got hurt, you finally realized how badly you needed him back. So you took a deep breath, swallowed your pride, opened your mouth, and prayed to god that something would come out.

"Look-"

"Damian-" you both spoke at the same time. "Sorry, you go first." You apologized.

"No you can go first." He replied almost nervously. That couldn't be right, he never got nervous.

"Uh I was just going to say, well i've been thinking lately,"

"You?" He asked sarcastically.

"Oh haha really funny. Will you just listen for a goddamn second." He was not making this easy. "I know we haven't been talking much ever since, well you know and uhh." You couldn't find the right way to word it. You were still too stubborn to outright apologize but you knew he would never say sorry unprompted. "You've just seemed... off, lately and if it has something to do with me-"

"It doesn't." He cut you off. "I'm not 'off' and even if I was you definitely wouldn't be the cause." His expression was blank but calculated.

"Well jeez you don't have to be so rude about it." You sneered back at him. "What were you trying to say anyway." So much for your apology.

"I've convinced father to change our partners." His voice was flat and he seemed bored with the conversation.

"You what?" You stood up. You couldn't believe he actually did that without talking to you first.

He stood up as well and was a few inches higher than you. "We don't work well together, you can't tell me you don't agree."

"I don't! We've been a great team! Remember the Penguin pen raid or Mr Freeze's death ray thingy." you exaggerated your point by waving our hands through the air. "We stopped those. Together. You can't just go around changing things without asking me first!" You were fuming.

"Sure I can! We only stopped those villains because of what I did, you just got in the way." he pointed at you.

Here we go again, the blame game. The endless cycle of 'he did this she did that'. You were so sick of it. "That's bullshit and you know it. I can hold my own on the field just as well as you can. And you know what! I don't even want to be your partner anymore."

"Neither do I! You can go play hero with someone else while I do all the real work. I never wanted you on the team in the first place!" He stared you down and if you weren't so fired up you'd probably be intimidated.

"God you're so annoying!” You threw your hands up in frustration. “You think you're so great and no one can even come close to you but in reality you're exactly like the rest of us!"

What were you doing? This wasn't what you wanted. You wanted to apologize and make things right but now here you were screaming at him again. You almost couldn't help it. Fighting him gave you a sort of rush that you craved. It was like a drug and you were addicted to the pain. You didn't want to fight him but it was the closest thing to a conversation you'd had in over a week and at this point it was enough to satisfy your need.

"I'm going to prove that i'm better than you. I'll do it on my own too!" You told him.

"Go ahead and try! You can do whatever you want because I don't care about you anymore."

You stepped back, stood as tall as you could without going on your tiptoes and took a breath. "I'm starting to think you never did." You said calmly, it seemed to catch him off guard and he didn't retaliate. You grabbed your book and turned towards the door. Dick was standing there, completely still and staring at you and Damian.

"Woah." He said awkwardly. He clearly didn't know how to handle the situation he'd just stumbled on.

You pushed past him and into the hallway. Tears were building up in the corners of your eyes so you had to move fast, the last thing you needed right now was for them to see you cry. 

Damian watched you walk out before turning around and groaning. "I can't believe her," he muttered to himself. "I'm starting to think you never did. That doesn't even make sense."

"Because... you do care about her?" Dick asked. It probably wasn't the best choice of words.

Damian looked back at him with an almost offended expression. "That's ridiculous! I don't care about her, that was basically the whole point of our conversation."

"Was that a conversation? The part of that 'conversation' I saw seemed more like her yelling at you and then you... yelling back." He stated the obvious.

"That was completely her fault," Damian defended. He seemed angry but it wasn't his usual kind. Usually it was directed at someone or something and usually that thing would get acquainted with his katana but this time he was mad at himself and he couldn't understand why. "I don't care about her." He repeated quietly almost trying to remind himself more than anything.

You spent the rest of the day hiding in the guest room. You planned on staying there forever and letting yourself fade out of existence but the universe had other plans. 3 hours, 5 episodes of your favorite show, and a nest made of blankets later you got a call from Tim asking you to come to the cave.

He didn't tell you why he needed you, he just said to meet him in the lower level of the cave so when you got there you were very surprised to find him and Damian standing in the hallway. You groaned internally and considered turning around and just walking away but Tim spotted you before you could. Damian's back was to you so he didn't know who it was until he turned around and you saw his face fall.

'Nice to see you too asshole' You thought to yourself, walking over to stand near him but still keeping your distance. "What did you need?" You asked, wanting to get out of there as soon as humanly possible. You kept your eyes ahead trying not to look at Damian and you had the feeling he was doing the same.

The entire mood of the dimly lit hallway had shifted from the moment you locked eyes with him and the tension was noticeable. Tim looked between the two of you before clearing his throat and bringing the attention back to him. "I actually don't need anything."

"So then why did you call telling me to come down here?" Damian asked, clearly annoyed that Tim was wasting his time.

Tim smirked in response and opened the door before Jason, who was behind you apparently, pushed you both into the room before either of you could react. You landed on top of Damian with a grunt. Once you realized you were on top of him you felt your cheeks turn red and you stood up quickly. You could have sworn you saw the slightest bit of a blush on him but you were too preoccupied with the now locked door to think about too much.

"Ok love birds here's the deal, you're petty hormone fueled fighting is driving us crazy and now we're doing something about it." Jason told you from the other side of the small glass window. "We said you were gonna lock you in a room until you figured out how to get along and now we're following through." he smirked.

"I swear to god if you lock me in this room with him,"  you motioned towards Damian, "I will drop kick you into the sun."

"If you let us out now maybe I won't kill you," Damian threatened alongside you.

"Maybe if you’d learned to talk to each other like normal people you wouldn’t be here in the first place," Tim said. "We'll be back after patrol so you've got about," he looked at his watchless wrist "4ish hours. Have fun." And with that they both walked away.

"DON'T YOU DARE WALK AWA- and they're gone. Dammit." You cursed and hit the steel door which hurt a lot more than you thought it would. "Shit," You shook your hand.

"Well that was just stupid," Damian scoffed at you, taking your hand to examine it. He always did that sort of thing on patrol so you didn't pull away or even really register what he was doing.

"Oh i'm sorry, is my frustration not smart enough for you?" you sneered back. "What even is this place anyway," You looked around the small dark room, determined to not look him in the eyes.

"A containment cell for metas, we haven't used it for a while so the power blockers are probably turned off." he told you before releasing your hand. "You definitely bruised it but you'll be fine."

You reluctantly thanked him and turned back to the door to see if you could get it open somehow. "Ok so how do we get out?"

"We don't."

You flipped around, surprised to hear him give up without even trying. "You're kidding right? There's gotta be some way out of here. We're superheros, a few walls can't hold us,” you exclaimed. “Can't you use those ninja skills you're so proud of and like... kick it down, or something?" You watched him walk to the back of the small cell and sit down on the floor.

"No," he replied simply. "This room was built to hold the most dangerous people in Gotham and I don't know if you've noticed but we don't have any of our gear." He glared at you and you rolled your eyes.

"So we're just supposed to wait here until they get back? We can't just sit here all night," You tried to convince him to do... anything really.

"Well if you're so keen on getting out then let's hear your genius plan," He leaned forward with all the smugness of billionaires son, daring you to say something.  "That's what I thought. Now will you please be quiet, I can't even hear myself losing my will to live."

"Fine whatever we'll just stay here in complete silence," You muttered sarcastically under your breath. Damian remained quiet as you started pacing back and forth but you could tell he was watching you.

After pacing for about 30 minutes you realized how tired you were from training so hard the past couple of days and sat down in the corner. You spent so much time over the last week worrying about Damian that you hadn't let yourself relax long enough to get any real rest. The little sleep you did manage to get mostly turned to nightmares.

At first you didn't even realize you were asleep. It all looked real enough except for the fact that you'd somehow been transported to a rooftop. You scanned your surroundings but everything was just slightly out of focus so you couldn't tell exactly where you were. When you turned around you saw him. Damian was there, and behind him was a shadowy sort of silhouette.

The shadow raised a knife and you realized what was happening. You tried to warn him, you tried to scream or yell or move but it was no use. The knife plunged into Damians back and you were helpless to stop it. You felt the pain he felt, you felt the blade slice through you. Finally you could move again but it was too late. The shadow disappeared but you didn't care about it, all you wanted to do was get to Damian. You ran forward but it was like running through water, your body moved in slow motion and you watched the blood start to pool underneath him.

Suddenly you were falling. Damian was gone, the roof was gone, everything was gone, it was just you and a black abyss trying to swallow you up. You screamed again but no noise came out, it was like all the air was being sucked from your lungs. It was silent and dark and empty nothingness until you saw a faint light. Then you heard something, your name being repeated, someone calling you and then you were pulled out of the void.

You shot up and gasped for air and frantically looked around but your eyes hadn't adjusted to the light yet. You heard a familiar soothing voice pulled you farther out of your trance.

"Hey hey hey, it's ok i'm here." The voice was calm and concerned at the same time. "It's just me ok, you're safe," Rough hands gently turned your head and the first thing you saw clearly was a pair of worried green eyes. You're breathing slowed and you're heart nearly skipped a beat.

Wrapping your arms around his chest you pulled him closer. He hesitated for a moment before folding you into his embrace. It was soft and delicate and it seemed like he was scared of holding you too tightly. Neither of you said anything else, you just sat there on the floor of a meta containment cell in each other's arms.

Time stood still and you finally admitted the truth to yourself. The real reason you hated Damian was because you loved him.

A/n: might fuck around and make a part 3 with the classic “because i love you!” confession scene

[mynumberfivethings]

I Heard A Rumor...

They land back in 2019, which is a relief, of course, until it’s not. 

“What the fuck even is the Sparrow Academy?” Diego grouses. “Lame ass bird fucks.” he chucks one of his knives across the cramped motel room they’re currently occupying and watches it get lodged firmly into the tacky wallpaper. 

Allison grabs the second knife Diego’s about to fling out of his hand and glares  daggers at her brother. “We’re staying here for free, because I rumored the motel staff into not noticing we exist, so maybe don’t wreck the place?” 

Luther nods in agreement. “Allison’s right, we need to be as inconspicuous as possible right now.” 

Diego rolls his eyes. “Whatever. So Five, now what?” the siblings all go to turn to Five for the answers they’re so desperately seeking, only to be met with the sight of the pseudo thirteen year old laid curled up on one of the beds, sound asleep. 

Luther frowns. “How in the hell can he seriously sleep at a time like this?” 

Allison leans over Fives still form and not so gently shakes his shoulder, jarring him awake. She feels a little guilt upon seeing the initially panicked look on his face as he comes to awareness once again, but damn it, she just wants to see her kid again, is that too much to ask? 

“We need to figure out a way to get back to our timeline.” she tells him, arms folded over her chest.

Five scratches the sleep from his eyes, unaware he’d even passed out in the first place, wincing as he sits up fully on the mattress. “This is our timeline.” he informs all of them, his voice coming out scratchy and thin. God, he’s exhausted. And practically everything aches. 

“What do you mean?” Klaus shakes his head. “In our timeline Ben is very much dead-not some weird emo douche who flocks with a crew of birds-so please do explain how the actual hell this makes any sense.” 

Five sighs, “We changed the linear time of events and the order in which they were supposed to originally occur when we were in the sixties and now this is, for all intents and purposes, our timeline.” 

“Screw that. We need to reestablish our actual timeline.” Allison counters. “I’m not staying in this weird alternate bullshit dimension any longer than we have to-we still have the suitcase, right? Let’s go back to the sixties and fix what we broke. Easy.” 

Five looks at her like she’s lost her mind. Which, she very well may have, he thinks briefly. “Look, I know you want to see Claire again, but you need to consider-”

“No.” Allison interrupts angrily, tears starting to fill her eyes. “You don’t understand at all. How the hell could you? You haven’t had anyone for years, but me? I’ve had people, people I care about-which might be a foreign concept to someone like you, but-” 

“Right,” Five cuts her off in turn, unwilling to linger on the sting her words have caused. “I just need time to-” 

“Time? Haven’t you had enough of that, already?” Suddenly the room is engulfed in complete and utter darkness and the Hargreeves go into high alert, trying to figure out where the hell that voice is coming from. 

Could it be one of the Sparrow Academy heroes? Could they have followed them to the outskirts of town? 

“Show yourself, you coward!” Diego shouts, knives at the ready to attack their intruder. 

A flash of thunder illuminates the room for only a split second before the lights come back on and the Hargreeves find themselves frozen in place, unable to move even a muscle, try as they might. 

Save for one: Five. 

“What the hell...” he mutters, as he watches his siblings struggle to try and move from their positions. 

“Now, Allison.” that same disturbing voice commands. 

Allisons eyes go wide as her mouth begins to move without her permission and out come the words, “I heard a rumor you killed your brothers and sisters.” 

They watch with dawning horror as Fives eyes roll to the back of his head and turn an off shade of blue before he seamlessly plucks Diegos knife from where it was embedded in the wall earlier and faces his family, where they stand, helpless. 

“Shit!” Diego curses, trying in vain to move even a single digit. 

Vanya tries to conjure her own powers but finds that she can’t for some reason. “Five...” she calls out, knowing it’s futile. 

Five blinks over to Klaus first, who yelps in surprise, he barely has time to beg Five to reconsider when Five brings the knife down-

There’s boisterous screaming and panicked yelling and general chaos and Klaus is so sure this is it, that Five has plunged the knife straight into his heart and done away with him, until he opens his eyes and realizes nothing is protruding out of him...

Instead, Five has thrust the knife into his own leg. He’s breathing hard, his trembling fingers still hovering over the hilt of the weapon. 

The disembodied voice booms, “Allison!” 

And Allison curses, but she can’t stop the words from tumbling out of her mouth. “I heard a rumor you stabbed me in the jugular.” 

Fives eyes go pale blue for a second time and without even flinching he takes the knife out of his upper thigh and blinks so that he’s facing Allison this time. 

They can all see him struggling, perspiring, fighting against the rumor as he brandishes the knife in one hand, raising it up above his head slowly. 

Allison tries to let out another rumor, a contradicting rumor, perhaps, the way she had done when Five had been in front of Klaus, but again, the words get stuck in her throat. 

Whatever being is in the room is in total control of her powers... 

Allison feels something collide with her neck but it’s not the sharp sting of a knife she’s expecting. It’s Five’s forearm against her, protecting her from his own attack as he shoves the knife directly into his flesh. He’s panting now, with the force that it’s taken him not to obey her mind control. 

“Kill them.” the voice demands angrily. 

“Fuck you.” Five bites out through clenched teeth. 

As if those were the magic words, the voice departs and the Hargreeves can feel their limbs and move about once again, the tense atmosphere dissipating. 

“Holy shit!” Klaus gasps out, “What the fuck, Jesus!” 

Five grunts as he removes the knife from his forearm and wields it threateningly. “Allison,” he practically begs, his voice strained. “Unrumor me. Now.” 

Allison is more than happy to comply, hurriedly saying, “I heard a rumor you didn’t want us dead.” 

The knife clatters as it hits the floor and Five collapses next to it a second later, exhausted and hurting something awful. 

“Shit,” Diego grabs a bunch of hand towels from the bathroom and kneels down. “We gotta stop the bleeding.” He presses two towels against the stab wound on Fives forearm and Vanya grabs the rest to press against the one on his thigh. 

Five tenses up beneath them, his face scrunching up in pain. “Fuck!” 

“I saw a first aid kit in the lobby by the front desk, I’ll go get it!” Allison calls out, already halfway out the door in her haste. 

“Should we move him to the bed?” Luther asks, hovering over his siblings, concern and anxiety eating away at him. 

Diego curses. The hand towels are drenched in blood already. They need to stop the bleeding and soon, or else. “Elevate his leg.” he orders, letting Luther help Vanya try to stem the bleeding there. “Klaus, go get more towels from one of the maids if you can.” Klaus scurries to obey while the others continue to put pressure on Fives multiple injuries. 

Klaus and Allison arrive back at the motel room almost simultaneously, one with a stack of clean towels in their arms and the other with a giant red box in hand. 

With the extra towels and the supplies from the medical kit, they’re somehow able to stop the bleeding long enough to move Five up to the bed. Luther’s extremely gentle as he transfers him from one spot to the other. 

When it’s time to stitch him up, Vanya and Klaus volunteer to do it. Five is too exhausted, both mentally and physically to pretend to be stoic about any of this. He throws his good arm across his face, shielding his eyes from the light. 

“What do you guys think that was?” Luther asks the room at large, when the silence stretches on too long. 

Klaus doesn’t look up from where he’s threading his needle on Fives thigh, replying dryly. “Yet another person place or thing that wants us dead?” 

Diego scoffs. “It’s gotta be one of those Sparrow fuckheads. Who the hell else? I bet it was that goddamn cube-I still can’t believe dad adopted a fucking cube-Christ.” 

“Whatever it was, it was in control of my powers.” Allison frowns deeply. “When I tried to unrumor Five nothing came out-even when I tried rumoring one of you into being able to move again, so that at least we would stand a fighting chance against our little serial killer over here, nothing.” 

Vanya nods, “Same here. I tried to use my powers but it was like there was some kind of a block or something? Like when I was still taking those prescription pills.” She looks at Fives pale face-what she can see of it, from underneath his forearm-and risks the question, “Five, how did you manage not to....you know...?” As someone who’s had first hand experience being unwillingly rumored by their sister, she knows it’s not something one can easily brush off. 

Quite frankly, it’s a miracle they’re all still breathing... 

“Yeah, I thought for sure we were dead.” Diego walks over and playfully ruffles the top of Fives messy hair. “Good job not making yourself an only child.” he jokes, freezing entirely when in response to his teasing Five lets out what can only be described as a faint whimper. 

“Five?” 

“I almost killed everyone.” Five struggles to get the full sentence out, his breath hitching. “Fuck.” he curses, unable to stifle a sob. It’s a pathetically sad little noise, but it brings the rest of his siblings to his side immediately. 

“Hey,” Allison kneels down beside the bed and places a careful hand on his knee. She feels him flinch underneath her. “You resisted my rumor-twice. Do you know how rare that is? You saved us.” 

Five scrubs his face with the sleeve of his white button up shirt and finally uncovers his eyes. They’re red and puffy from crying, eyelashes wet with his tears. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.” he admits brokenly. “I can’t lose you guys again.” 

“Shit Five,” Diego leans down and briefly touches their foreheads together, the palm of his hand cupping Fives head. “You’re not alone, we’re right here. Not going anywhere.” 

Vanya nods determinedly. “That’s right. You’re stuck with us.” 

Luther towers over the group with a faint but genuine smile. “You know, I always figured you loved us, but I guess I didn’t realize the extent until today.” 

Five sniffles, wiping away more tears he can’t seem to stop from coming. “I would trade you all up for a decent cup of coffee.” he lies, feeling more exposed than he has in literal years. 

Klaus smirks. “Nuh uh, no take backs, Fivey. You loooooove us.” 

Five rolls his eyes but it doesn’t have quite the same effect it normally would, considering the fact that he is still very much crying. 

Allison clears her throat, squeezes his knee again, this time to get his attention, and says, “And we love you. I’d ask if you know that, but honestly I think the answer would make me too sad.” she sighs. “Five, I’m really sorry about what I said before-I was taking all my frustrations out on you and I spoke carelessly, without thinking.” 

Five shakes his head, overwhelmed. “It’s ok.” 

“It’s not.” Allison insists. “Five, I don’t know if anyone’s said this yet, but I think it’s long overdue. I’m so happy to see you again. I missed you, you know. A ton.” 

Five didn’t think he was childish enough to still need to hear such silly sentimental things. He’s not the type, he’s tried to convince himself. It’s not as though he was expecting some big tearful family reunion upon his arrival, after all. So he wasn’t crushed or anything when his return was met with little more than perhaps confused contemptment. He had things to do, apocalypses to stop and all that jazz. 

That’s what he told himself, of course. 

But it doesn’t ring very true now, not when he can’t help but let out another sob. 

He’s too old for this, he thinks, as Diego pulls him gently to his side and Allison grabs hold of his hand. 

He doesn’t need them to love him back, he thinks, as Klaus finishes taping up his wound with a tenderness only reserved for those he loves, as Vanya wraps gauze around his forearm with care. 

He’s been fine all this time, he thinks, even as Luther says, “Good to have you back, Five.” 

It’s good to be back, he thinks, turning his head so that it’s buried against Diego’s shoulder when he lets out another sob. 

.

[xx-narcissa]

Can’t Wait Any Longer

warnings: kidnapping, poisoning, noncon

a/n: i wasn’t comfortable with full on smut right now, i’m still easing into it. but i hope that this was written to your liking!

pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Female!Avenger!Reader

request: “We can have dark! r x nat where r is an avenger and is in love with nat but nat never pays attention to her, so r decides to kidnap her maybe with some smut only if you feel comfortable.”

Masterlist

(not my gif)

Your blood boiled as you watched the scene in front of you. Bruce kissing her hand in front of everybody with no shame. He should be ashamed. That was your hand to kiss and he was just all on it! And she let him. Giggling and blushing like a middle school girl getting a love note from her crush.

“Aw. Young love.” Tony chuckled and took a big sip of his beer. You wanted to smack the glass bottle out of his hands for that comment. “Better enjoy it while it lasts, Bruce.”

Yeah. He better enjoy it. Because you’re going to make it your mission to take her back. Although you never really had her in the first place. But she’s yours. Bruce doesn’t deserve her. Nobody deserves her. Because they could never give her what you can. They could never love her like you do. She just doesn’t see that. Always brushing you off to the side.

It was a mission in Canada, so naturally it was pretty cold. And seeing as it was the middle of January, it was very cold. You offered her your jacket. “No, you keep it. I’m fine.” Even when you insisted, she turned you down. Yet later you see her casually sporting Steve’s jacket. What’s up with that? You wanted to confront her. What did his jacket have that yours didn’t? But Wanda assured you it wasn’t a big deal. And that’s not even the only time she’s done something like that. You and her were in the kitchen after a mission, and she complained about her shoulders being sore. So you offered to massage them, claiming you know a really good way to relieve tension. You didn’t. But it was just an excuse to be able to feel her. She turned you down. Then later she’s bragging to Wanda about how good Tony is at massages. What was so special about him? Nothing! But it seemed like Natasha would stop at nothing to push you away.

You don’t even know what you did to deserve that kind of treatment. Sure, you flirt with her a lot. But it’s never to a creepy extent. Just casual compliments and offering to do her favors. If she wasn’t into you, she could just turn you down using her words and then maybe you’d back off. But instead she was playing hard to get.

And that only made you want her more.

-=-

There was a mission today. A two person mission. You and Natasha. This would be a perfect chance for the two of you to get closer. It’s a week long stakeout. Usually you don’t like stakeouts, since you feel it’s a waste of your powers. You can literally summon fire with your hands and not get burnt and they want you to watch a building? How boring. But since it’s with Natasha, you won’t complain. Alone time with her is a reward in its own. And it gives you a chance to finally execute the plan you’ve been working on for weeks.

“Guess this is where we’re staying for the next week.” You sighed as the two of you entered the little apartment. The wallpaper was moldy and peeling, there were roaches crawling around, and it smelled like 50 diseased rats died in there.

She gagged and put her bag on top of the counter. “Well let’s just try to get this done quickly, so that we don’t have to spend any extra time here. It’s disgusting.”

Nodding in agreement, you continued to explore the apartment. There was only one bedroom with only one bed, so you made a mental note to let her sleep there, since it looked cleaner than the couch. The shower was just as disgusting as the main room, but you brought shower shoes so you could live with it. After your quick tour, you met back up with Natasha in the main room, where she was going through her bag.

“I’ll take the couch. You can have the bed.” You offered and sat down on the counter.

“Are you sure? That’s nice but I don’t want to take it all for myself. We could alternate if you want.”

“No, it’s fine. And trust me, the bed is way cleaner so if I were you I’d just take it.” You snapped. She flinched, and you knew you took it a bit too far. It’s just annoying when she constantly declines your offers when you’re just trying to be nice and make her comfortable. “Sorry. Just…yeah. You take the bed, I’ll go check the perimeter and see if there’s anything to eat nearby.”

After your perimeter check you picked up some sandwiches at the small subway they had down the street and brought them back up to the apartment. “Thanks, I’m starving.” She sighed happily when you walked in with food. To be honest, being back in that nasty apartment killed your appetite a bit, but you hadn’t eaten all day so you sucked it up and ate.

The two of you ate and got to talk a bit, getting to know each other some more. Well, she got to know you. But you already knew plenty about her. You’re just a good listener like that. The most important thing was that she was starting to trust you more, which would be a key part in putting your plan into motion.

Once you guys finished your mission and got all the information you needed, you still had a day to spare. So you decided you’d stay and just not tell them you were done yet, so you can get a little vacation, even if it is in a dingy, dirty apartment. It was your last morning there, so you wanted to surprise Natasha with some homemade breakfast. Special recipe.

“Good morning! You want pancakes?” She thought for a second before nodding. Great, she took the offer with none of her usual resistance. You placed some pancakes on a plate and gave her a glass of orange juice. “Tell me if you like it.” You smiled and sat down next to her to watch her eat. She ate the first bite cautiously, then ate the rest rather quickly.

After drinking all the juice, she slammed the cup onto the table. “Those were the best pancakes I’ve ever had.”

“Well, you know, I could always make you more.” You smiled and ran your fingers up her arm. And she smiled back. That’s a win in your eyes.

“I think I’ll have to take you up on that offer. But I’m pretty full right now. So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go take a quick nap.”

You waved her off and then put the dishes in the sink. Everything was falling into place and you couldn’t be happier.

-=-

When her eyes opened, she didn’t know what was going on or where she was. It seemed like some abandoned factory by the looks of it. Her clothes didn’t belong to her. And she couldn’t even get up to look around, seeing as she was tied up on the floor.

In the shadows, she saw something moving. Maybe it would be her captor. And she could kick their ass and escape.

“Oh, you’re up! Great.” Her heart and her mouth dropped at the voice. “Sorry about the location. Couldn’t find anywhere comfortable on such short notice.”

She looked up at you with tears forming in her eyes. “What’s going on, why are you doing this? Are you being brainwashed or something?”

You laughed at her stupid questions. “What ever do you mean? This is all me, Natasha. I’m sorry to have to do this, but you brought it onto yourself. You could’ve had this.” You motioned towards yourself and got closer to her. “But no. You wanted to toy with me. Play hard to get. Pretend you don’t want me and then flirt with everyone else right in front of my face. Well I’m done playing those games. So no more playful flirting. I’m taking what’s mine.”

“You’re sick. I swear, I’m not to get out of here and then I’m going to kill you! Slowly and painfully.” She screamed and squirmed around in her restraints.

All her struggling was amusing to you. It gave you a good laugh. “I know you’re a trained assassin, but it’s not like you have superpowers. Without a gun you really pose no threat to me. Hell, if I’m not careful I could kill you right now.” Your hands ignited, displaying your pyrokinesis, just in case she had forgotten that you could burn her to a crisp whenever you would like.

It worked, because she shut up. She looked down at the ground in silence, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Oh, cheer up. Once your spirit is broken down enough and I know you won’t try anything funny, I’ll untie you and we can leave and live a happy life together. I might hurt you, but it’s just because I love you. I love you so much and it hurts me when you flirt with other people. So once you’re as loyal as I am, then we’ll get out of this smelly place. Okay?”

She didn’t say anything. She didn’t do anything. That angered you. So you slapped her in her face. The force being enough to topple her over. And that wasn’t even the hardest you could’ve hit her. “Answer me, bitch!” You yelled and got close to her face, probably getting some spit on her but you didn’t care. “Do you understand me?”

She nodded frantically and tried to move away from you. So you let her squirm for a second before pulling her back. Seeing the Black Widow shaking in fear really turned you on. You needed to see her. To feel her.

“You know, you should thank me. I changed your clothes and I didn’t even touch you down there. I restrained myself.” You grabbed her hips and dug your nails into them, pulling her closer. “Mainly because I want to hear you when I fuck you. I want to see what your pretty little face looks like when you’re all filled up. But also because I’m decent. So, yeah, you’re welcome.”

You closed the gap between you two and your lips collided with hers. For you it was heaven. It was erotic and steamy and everything you’ve ever wished for. But for her it was a completely different story. It was hell. Sloppy, painful, and lacking any true feelings. Even if she wasn’t kissing you back, you still enjoyed yourself. Your hands went underneath the shirt you gave her, cupping her braless breasts. She involuntarily leaned into your touch, moaning softly, allowing you to slide your tongue into her. Your hand slid down, cupping her heat through her panties, feeling the wetness of her arousal. “See? You’re enjoying yourself,” You pulled away from the kiss to say. You kissed down her neck, biting and leaving marks. She hated how her body betrayed her and got turned on. But there wasn’t anything she could do about it. You were in control.

And she hated the feeling of emptiness she felt when you stopped and stood back up, leaving her still on the ground. “Yeah. We’re gonna have so much fun. Not yet, but soon. Until then, I’ll be back. I’m going to go get some food. You stay here.” You laughed at your own sentence, “Get it? It’s funny ‘cause you can’t go anywhere!” You continued to laugh until you had left the warehouse, leaving her alone and confused.

You were gone for probably two hours. But to Natasha it felt like days. The whole time she was looking for a way out, yet there was nothing. You were thorough with this place, making sure there wasn’t anything sharp she could reach to cut the rope, or anything she could climb on to get out through one of the windows.

When you came back, Natasha was curled into a ball silently crying. “Cheer up. I got you some food from this nice ramen place. Maybe I can take you there one day.” You put the food down on the floor in front of her and even gave her some water.

“You know, they’re going to wonder why I never came back. And then they’re going to find me and kill you! Pervert!” She spat. Instead of arguing back like she wanted you to, you laughed and walked away, leaving her alone to eat. The rest of the day she sat there thinking about how alone and scared she was. She didn’t know if she’d ever see her family again.

You won. This time.

[candidhart]

Made this one some time ago and had the HONOR of collabing with my dear friend @royai who wrote this AMAZING piece!

Love u Katie :3

After Dark

by @royai

It came as a surprise to Riza Hawkeye that the light could be as fearsome as the dark.

It never occurred to her that trouble could exist in the thin space between the two, that it should preserve itself there for a hundred years, maybe longer, and wait. She imagined herself as a girl asleep in her bed, moonlight slanting through her four-paned glass window, a ferry for the monsters and the things that were worse than monsters. Children checked under their beds and inside their closets, refused to venture into cellars and attics, thought of warding off the unknown with fat oil lamps and candles melting into their brass candlesticks. That things with spindly arms and bodies blacker than ink could use light as a conduit for their demented games… 

That they could touch her, even…

Nightmares took up residence in Riza’s sleep. In her waking too, they lingered there, limned her mind with the briefest flashing of tendrils. She curled into herself at night, closed her eyes on the horrors. The blackness found her, though. A million spider’s legs on her body, ghosting the flesh, raising the hairs, and that line on her cheek where the monster had touched her would weep. And she would weep, too, because it had been so long since dread had forced its way in. The tendrils brought strange, frantic memories to the forefront. A panic as familiar as church bells. 

Riza’s father, a monster in his own right, in the way that men become monsters and in the way that she had become a kind of monster too. He never minded her but to be those tendrils in the dark. Never in the light. That was her comfort, her safety, her promise.

The light.

A betrayal.

***

Central reached for her like a beggar. Grimy hands, oil-stained, gunk under fingernails chipped and jagged, it closed its hands around her and she was reminded, again, again, again, about the stories her father would tell. He would tell them in his sleep, and make promises of them in her ear, and he would tell them, even, through mouthfuls of blood. That Central was a bastard city. Its towers, spires, and cobblestones bathed in storefront lights bleeding from ornate windows, in the yellow glow of street lamps. 

Riza left her apartment and slipped off a curb, first thing. 

She remembered her first night in the city. Automobiles flicked light into her windows, made shapes out of the lamp she kept on a pile of boxes in the living room. Shadows in the dark. There were sounds all the time. Movement like tree branches.

Back East, back home, Riza could wander into the fields when she couldn’t sleep. She took a military vehicle into the countryside, an hour or so west, just a bit further inward. It parked fine on the dirt roads. Headlights would go black, melt into the darkness all around, and the hip-high grass cradled her as she sank down, down into the cottony earth. Most people counted sheep to sleep; Riza counted stars, stalks. 

She always woke before the sun. Home in time to rinse the sticks from her hair and brew coffee on her electric stove. 

Central did not exist to afford her any of that. Central was alive like hordes of flies are alive. Incessant buzzing, a whirring in your ear that you can’t see, that you worry might bury itself in your eardrum. Even before the tendrils and the monsters Riza would lie awake in her bed, books unearthed from boxes, clothes folded in neat squares over her dresser, a chest of drawers not quite filled yet, her apartment unpacked and unsettled, and fret over the whole of it: Central. 

She slipped off the curb and scraped her achilles on the concrete. Her teeth crashed together with the force, and she massaged her jaw as she reached down to rub her wounded ankle, fingers coming away wet and red.

A car beat over the cobbled street, spewing dampness from its tires. Riza wasn’t aware that it had rained but she smelled it now, acute and intense, like a single pinprick on the skin. 

Out east, that smell was earthy, ancient: soaked stone and evergreens, swollen carriages and damp horse hide, wetted dirt and a choked fire. 

Riza took Longmont to Leander, cutting her way through the city via back alleys where moonlight and street light was caught on brick corners and cordoned off by severe angles. She read the stories of women assaulted in Central well past dark, and had seen all the headlines he placed strategically at her desk, a tiny dog-shaped paperweight holding the newspaper steady until the moment Riza could read it and be properly warned. But it was never the people of Central who made her uneasy.

It was several blocks to his apartment. Riza folded herself into the dark. The creature could follow but he could not show himself here, not without a conduit, not without the light. Everything black, nothing inside of it, a void. 

A rectangle of light exploded over the ground. Riza stopped, terror seizing her hard. A woman with greying hair hummed and whistled as she sprinkled water out over hanging potted plants. Riza’s chest bounced frantically as she watched the shadow of the woman’s hands in the light, the shadow of the watering can wandering back and forth across the chasm of yellow, methodical as a pendulum. 

It happened so suddenly that Riza had little time to react. A mist, a gathering shadow, one red eye peeked out at her from the fluttering darkness. Then, like snakes, tendrils crept out of the line of black and into the little patch of light. Riza willed the woman to close the window, begged her, thought for a moment that she might shout or cry, but it was likely that the woman would only become curious and the window would remain uncovered as she came to watch from her lighted perch. 

The monster was an ancient child and yet, in this form, none of his features were childlike. His smile was wolfish and cruel, thin like a knife’s blade, and his tendrils sharp as barbs. They thrashed up against the liquid dark where Riza was hiding, attempting to gather her by the ankles. 

The child spoke using a dozen voices.

“Where are you going, Lieutenant Hawkeye?”

Home, she thought. An impulse, the truth, spoken so carelessly in her mind. To him. To the stars or the stalks, that tall grass and damp earth. Somewhere known. 

“You have made a rather purposeful attempt to evade me.”

“Forgive me,” she bit, “but our last meeting was less than enjoyable.”

The monster smirked.

“Do I trouble you so much, little Riza?”

The nickname, familiar in sound, comforting in its use, was a bitter poison on his tongue. 

“I’ll ask again for transparency.” The tendrils clawed at the ground, raked it. “Where are you going?”

Away from Central. 

Away from the light.

To him. To him. To him. 

He’ll shut off all the lights, pull all the curtains closed, feed her hot tea and leftover lentil soup and summer sausage. His apartment will smell like cologne and the candle with petals baked into it, and they’ll settle into the down of his bed and see nothing, and the monster will never even realize he has lost. 

“You have only as long as the window stays open,” she said, gaining confidence. “I am not bound to you. I can go wherever I want.”

As she said it, the woman in the window started to stir. Her footsteps grew closer, the sound of the humming rising, rising, rising into the final closing of the curtain. The monster’s frown was washed away by the night.

Riza ran.

His apartment was several blocks east of Central Headquarters. The storm’s eye, the quiet, the massive, white and oppressive thing. Riza wound her way past it without managing to sneak a glance. She didn’t need to. She could feel its gaze on her, what all of it represented. And the squared coach lights were tiny pillars of threats, waiting for her to come closer and be beckoned. 

She thundered past several shuttered windows; an older man on a stoop hunched close to the ground; the sounds of women chattering together like preening birds, their heels clicking over cracked brick and concrete. 

Riza took the stairs two at a time, lunging forward through the hall light, praying nothing would lurch out from the darkness and drag her away. She learned at a young age to fear the sudden jerk of the unknown. 

“Lieutenant Hawkeye,” he said. He must have heard her coming, because his door was wrenched open, and he stood there in pajamas and holding a cup of tea, the bag still soaking. 

“We’ve had an emergency at the office, sir.”

His brows trundled downward. 

“Please, come in,” he said, and moved aside as she nearly tripped her way into his apartment. “Excuse the mess.”

There was no mess, not quite like someone would expect. The Colonel’s apartment was better kept than hers, although she had just moved and he had gotten to stay. Things were collected together in neat piles: alchemy books gathered at one arm of the couch, on the floor, an old mug sat atop them, and there were coats strewn about too, though placed strategically, two on dining chairs and one on the lounge by the front door. Pots hung together in clumps along his kitchen walls, white-tiled, much nicer than Riza’s tan wallpaper; and on his floor, beneath the coffee table, several sewn blankets, all gifts from the Madame’s girls, as far as anyone knew. 

Riza reached for one as she folded herself into his couch. “Please, sir. Can you turn off the lights?”

He set his tea on the counter. Again, he looked at her with concern, but the lights started to fall away the closer he came to her. First the kitchen, the six squares of dining space, the hall light he shut off as he sat opposite to her on the couch. The lamp was last. And finally, with the lights of Central thoroughly shut out, Riza could breathe.

It was much like how she would lock herself in the bathroom as a child, plugging the bottom of the door with a wet towel, the waxy shower curtain a flimsy barrier between herself and her raging father. Eventually he removed the locks, and then the knobs. Even now, she felt the cold,  hard press of the tub’s porcelain on her back. 

“Thank you.”

Silence, and then: “What are you doing here, Lieutenant?”

Coming home. 

“I’m not sure myself, sir.”

The Colonel shifted his weight. He was a full cushion away from her, but his heat radiated all the same. 

“What happened to your cheek?”

“I cut it on a bramble while fetching a lost toy for Hayate at the park.”

Fingers pressed to her skin, a thumb ran slanted along her wound. 

It was reminiscent of childhood, for sure. Riza had always courted this quiet, contemplative darkness. It was when she was a little older that she invited Roy into it, and he welcomed the invitation, and he was a kind, treasured guest. But tonight she was feeling particularly fragile. 

She took his hand and fit his knuckles under her chin. 

The monster had allowed her to be here, that much was certain. There was no other reason that he wouldn’t have stolen her from those stairs. 

She crushed Roy’s hand into herself. 

What was he after?

What was the motive?

Was it… afraid?

Roy leaned closer to her. His fingers squeezed hers. He wanted to say something, she knew, or ask her why she had come to him and begged for the dark. 

She would not tell him. Tomorrow, maybe, but tonight she was fragile. 

Riza found his mouth in the dark. She set his hand free and it wrapped itself around the curve of her neck, tipping her head back. His other hand gave her hair a gentle tug. 

“Are you all right?” he managed to ask around her lips, while she occupied herself with tracing the scars on his hip and in his abdomen. She gripped the hem of his t-shirt and pulled him toward her until she was on her back and he had to brace himself against the arm of the couch. “Lieutenant,” he said, though the sentiment was weak, ill-willed. He was attempting and failing at control.

“I’m all right,” she said, and kissed him again. He tasted like his tea. Again his fingers brushed the cut on her cheek, and as they did she was shocked, jolted. She broke away from him and sat upright. “I’m, uh…”

“I really just need to know if you’re all right.” 

“I’m going to go.”

“Lieutenant— Riza.”

The name was too much, the break in her skin was too much, the darkness was not enough. It was not enough. The curtain hadn’t been enough. The porcelain. All the nights cascaded in the dark, the world pulling itself to a close around her, fitting like a glove. 

“I have to go.”

The Colonel kept to his place on the couch as she stood and put her hand on the door and wondered again about what the monster wanted. 

She hadn’t known as a child, and she had survived anyway.

She had survived.

The light swallowed her whole.

[zmediaoutlet]

fic: the apprentice year

Here’s something I wrote for a zine, a while back. Maybe someone’s in the mood for quiet s8 angst.

(read on AO3)

It's raining when Sam crashes the car. Middle of the night, Texas somewhere. Not enough sleep, not that sleep could possibly help, and bad visibility, and this numbness that started in his gut but has taken over every part of him. Not the best conditions. Narrow two-lane highway, headlights blurring through the dark wet, and then there's a flash—white-and-brown and small, a dog?—and he swerves hard, and then it's—squeal of brakes, the tires sliding, a smash.

He breathes slow, both hands curled around the steering wheel. Car's still on, rumbling idle. His head hurts. Hard to see through the rain but it looks like he killed a sapling. He unclenches one hand from the wheel and touches his forehead—wet—and the windshield's cracked again, and he turns around in the seat to see the dog bolting off down the road. He opens the door and steps out into the mud and, yes. A broken tree, and a mile marker crumpled, and the paint all scraped up, and the windshield. He wipes his forehead again and his fingers are smeared red. He puts that hand on the car and then has to—his legs crumple—he crouches, letting the car take his weight, feeling the engine in his bones. He can't think, with the rain this loud. His head hurts. He says, out loud, "I don't think I can do it," but it's hard to hear over the downpour, and anyway, no one's there to hear. No one's there.

*

There's a mechanic down the street from a motel. The windshield will be three hundred and that feels like too much but then, who would Sam ask, who'd be honest. He asks them to repaint, too, so he doesn't have to see the gouges of his fuckup. The mechanic looks at his forehead instead of at his eyes. "You get that looked at, sir?" he says.

Sam walks through the damp morning to the motel. The clerk frowns at him but Sam puts a hundred in cash on the counter and then there's the room, dim with the curtains drawn. Two beds—why? Habit. He's been sleeping in the car so that people won't ask the question. Trying to sleep. He takes off his wet muddy clothes and runs a shower, hot, and there's mud on his hands and blood too and the cut on his head bleeds pink against the white tub, and he's so tired he wants to just sit down, right there in the bathtub and let the water pound against his face and make it so he can't think about anything else, so he can't, so he won't have to—but he can't. He has to pick up the car at some point. He turns off the shower and dries off and walks naked through the dim room to the bed closer to the door and he crawls under the blanket and puts his face into the pillow and thinks that he won't sleep, because how can he sleep in a queen bed in a motel room in a town he doesn't know without his brother. He can't possibly. He can't, but he has to, because his brother is dead.

*

It took a while to come to that conclusion. Dick was gone. The air, throbbing thick and strange. The room empty. Sam stood alone in that awful building with distant alarms wailing and his head and heart entirely still, because there had been a place where his brother was, and now he wasn't there anymore.

He did research. He asked questions. He prayed, and when there were no answers to his praying he burned acacia and camphor and blood-red petals of anemone and demanded a demon, but none came. He knelt on the road at midnight with dirt caked under his broken nails and was prepared to offer—what little it was worth, that he could offer—but no one arrived to take a deal. It was like the world he'd always known was there, that darker mystery that swirled under the daytime normalcy everyone else knew, had just vanished. Gone. He was finally free to live a life that was average, and safe, and boring, but what did it matter—how could it matter, without Dean.

There was booze but then there wasn't. There was a brief, considering moment when a dealer in Kansas City saw Sam's expression and offered relief, but it would've failed the same way the booze had. There was staying up until he had no choice but to pass out in the backseat and forgetting to eat and driving, nowhere, with no destination in mind, because what was there? A job, a ghost, a brutal and pointless putting of one foot in front of the other, when the only thing that had ever mattered, the only thing that had made the life he'd chosen worth choosing, was—

He drove until he nearly hit a dog, and hit a tree instead. He stopped not because he wanted to but because there didn't seem to be any point in driving more. He got a motel. He slept, because that was all there was left to do.

*

When he wakes up the room is dim with afternoon. The sun on the other side of the building. A reflection, from the vacancy sign outside, that throws up a white square on the wall. He watches it for a while, tracking how it moves slow over the wallpaper, thinning out as the sun falls. A slow eclipse, until it disappears.

What the hell, he hears.

He sits up, ignores the head-throb from moving. There, boots on the carpet, standing in the way of the bathroom, looking around like the motel's a surprise—six feet (forget the lie about the extra inch) and strong and beautiful as he ever, ever was—Sam swallows, drags in air that feels like it can't fit in his chest with everything that's roaring up in it—Dean frowns, and looks at him, and says, in a voice that sounds distant, Sammy, what the fuck.

Sam stands up and staggers. His head, god. He tries to step forward and it's Dean who comes to him, looking around, saying what's going on, where is this—are you— and Sam braces on the bedside table and reaches out but then Dean flickers, somehow, like a broadcast jolted with static, and Sam's hand curls in the air between them, his body flinching even if his mind doesn't quite get it yet.

Dean stops in his tracks and looks down. Spreads his hands, looking at the scarred knuckles and the more-scarred palms. Sam manages to get himself under control and stands up straight, and takes the step that means he's inches away, but no longer dazed from waking he can see: Dean's not here. Dean's not quite here. There's an almost-shimmery distance to him. A projection, on an inadequate screen. Sam looks at his face and just faintly the outlines of the room present are present, showing through him. A bitter taste in the back of his throat and he swallows, again, but manages to say, out loud, "Are you real?"

Dean looks up at him, brow furrowed. Could ask you the same thing, sport. Sam laughs, sort of, caught in his throat, and Dean's face changes. Jesus, you look like shit.

"Thanks," Sam says. Dean flickers again and it's nauseating to see the blank space where he was, even if he half-solidifies a second later. "God. I—can't believe this is happening."

Okay, but what is happening, Dean says, and looks around again. This isn't… He shakes his head and even half-there Sam can see the confusion, the annoyance at the confusion. His brother. His chest aches. I wasn't here. Where's here?

"Texas," Sam says. He still hasn't caught the name of the town. He reaches out because he can't not and his fingers brush—what? Nothing. The air's insubstantial because it's air. Dean looks down at his chest where Sam's not touching him and he says, very quiet, shit , and then he looks up and says shit, Sam , more loudly, and he reaches up and doesn't touch Sam's face because of course he can't, and it's only then that Sam realizes he's crying.

Hey , Dean says, and Sam shakes his head. "It's fine," he says, although of course it's not fine. Dean's eyes, concerned, and his nose with the bump Sam's so often traced with one finger, and his mouth, full and worried. He passes his thumb over where he ought to be able to touch Dean's bottom lip and Dean's eyelids flicker, his mouth parting. Sam shakes his head again, dizzy. Dean. He didn't think he'd see him again, outside of an afterlife he hadn't yet decided to try for.

Texas, huh? Dean says, after a few seconds. He smiles, fake devil-may-care, the expression that Sam's always loved and kind of wanted to smack him for, in equal measure. He looks Sam up and down, and raises his eyebrows, and says, guess it's true they make things bigger here, and it's only then that Sam remembers that he's naked, and even like this, a ghost or a hallucination or a fever-dream, Dean can make him roll his eyes. Dean's grin widens and he passes a never-there touch over Sam's bare chest. Hey, slugger, can't blame me for—

He disappears.

Sam stands there, alone, for a few seconds. He breathes deep, in and out. He passes his hand through the space where Dean wasn't and of course there's nothing there, and then he sits back down, on the bed, braced on his knees, looking at the faded plaid of the wallpaper and the day through the flimsy curtain. His face is still wet and so he knows—he hasn't cried, since that day, so he knows that something happened today that was different from all the ones that came before it. Dean's dead, gone, and yet he isn't. Sam licks his lips. That means there's—something to do.

*

He eats. He sleeps. He goes and picks up the car, and the mechanic looks less concerned when Sam takes the keys. He goes back to the room and reads a book, for a few hours, and doesn't remember a thing when he lifts his eyes from the page. He showers, again, before bed, and when he comes out the room is hot, and he taps the air conditioner and realizes, shit. Busted.

The clerk in the office is unhelpful. "I can move your room," he says, reluctant to do even that, but Sam's not leaving the room where he saw Dean. "Maintenance guy quit, so we're gonna have to call someone, might be a day or two."

Sam looks at him and chews the inside of his cheek. "You have the last guy's tools?"

He's never fixed an air conditioner but he knows how to use the internet. It turns out it's a little harder than the diagrams make it look. While he's got sweat between his shoulderblades and he's considering percussive maintenance that there's a huff of a laugh, behind him, and Dean says dude, you look like you're gonna have a stroke .

Behind him, raised eyebrows and amusement. A cut on his cheek—new? From what? "Sue me," Sam says, irritated. "I didn't go to HVAC school." Dean's grinning and the irritation washes away like it was never there. Sam steps forward and Dean's face changes, too, looking all over him. "Dean," Sam says, and feels— "Where are you? What's going on?"

Dean shakes his head. You know as much as I do, man. He hesitates. It's like—I've been asleep and I just woke up, but I can't remember what I was dreaming about.

Are you dead. The sentence forms under Sam's tongue and he swallows it. If Dean doesn't know then asking won't help, and if he is then Sam's sunk the same way he's been for the last month. Are you real is the next question, but then if he's not real then that means Sam's crazy, and Sam knows from crazy and, really, if he is, this is the best crazy he could hope for.

Dean's looking at him, not smiling at all, now. I miss you , Dean says, unexpectedly. He flickers—like he did before, a projection cutting out—but he's shaking his head hard when he resolidifies. Shit. I don't—I don't know what that is. I don't get it. You're right here and I'm missing you. How does that work?

"I don't know," Sam says, "but I know exactly what you mean."

The corner of Dean's mouth turns up, but it's not glad. Sam breathes out slowly, the hard knot of grief in his chest barely allayed. 

It feels impossible. Maybe it is. He doesn't try to reach out again and neither does Dean. Dean's eyes flick up to the A/C unit and he jerks his chin. You need to take out the compressor , he says. Check the fuse box. I can walk you through it.

Sam's eyes are hot. "I know how to check a fuse," he says, and Dean raises his eyebrows at him. "Not completely useless."

Prove it , Dean says. Bitch .

Sam rolls his eyes and turns away so Dean won't see that they're wet, and does.

*

Dean comes and goes according to some clock Sam doesn't get to see. Most days, Sam doesn't do much. He eats, showers, shits, sleeps. He watches bad daytime TV and not-much-better nighttime TV. He reads. He takes the car out on drives through the country. Flat around here, and what little green there is browning in the heat of summer. The office manager says he can stay at the motel for free if he keeps fixing things and so he does, and sometimes he's got his head under a kitchenette sink trying to figure out how not to dump backed-up foulness onto his face when there's a presence, all of a sudden, and his brother's voice saying why the hell are you using that wrench?

Sam's alone except when he's with Dean. The days smooth out into a routine. He wakes up sometimes and Dean's sitting there, on the edge of the bed somehow even though he can't really touch anything, and Dean'll say took you long enough, sleeping beauty , and Sam will roll his eyes and say, "Look who's talking, didn't you sleep through an actual earthquake once?" and Dean will grin and Sam will stretch out on his back and they'll bicker about the time in Portland, Maine, when Dad tanned both their hides for not being ready for the werewolf hunt at midnight, and they both insisted it was the other's job to set the alarm. I told you , Dean'll say, eyes crinkled like he's trying not to laugh, and Sam'll launch into his theory about how Dean's memory is shot from too much booze, and they'll waste the time, that way, ragging on each other. Other times Dean will be quiet, and so Sam will too, and they'll look at each other with their hands an inch apart on the blanket, and Dean will say, after a while, you remember? and Sam won't know what he's referring to, exactly, but he'll swallow and he'll say that, yeah, yeah. He remembers.

Moonlight makes Dean's face a strange, alien blue. In the day he's golden, gorgeous, cracks jokes and makes fun of the way Sam holds a screwdriver. Sometimes he has bruises; sometimes there's blood dried on the angles of his eyesocket. Once he shows up holding his ribs like something got him, wherever he is, and he just sits with his back to the kitchen cabinets while Sam fixes a garbage disposal and rambles about some time in Tulane when he dropped a ghoul and then banged a supermodel, that same night. "Oh, really," Sam says, pulling open the gears while he tries not to think about splintered bones, about the fragility of lungs, about the soft vulnerable edge of Dean's beating heart. "Tyra Banks or Kate Moss?"

Okay, Dean says, and does it sound thin? Hurt? So maybe not a 'super' model. But she was hot. He rolls his head to look at Sam and winks. Not as hot as some people, though. Don't worry .

"I was in a panic," Sam says, dry, and Dean chuffs laughing and then coughs, pained, and says, nodding at Sam's job, you're gonna want a 5/8ths for that , and in the next second he's gone. Sam braces his hands on the counter and breathes deep for a solid minute, bleeding inside his chest, before he goes into the toolbox, and gets the 5/8ths wrench.

*

The first time they were young, even if at the time Sam would've said otherwise. Their dad was gone and they were alone, really alone, for the first time in their lives—only, they weren't. They'd never been. An argument and a bad night and going out and finding Dean sitting on the hood of some wreck in Bobby's junkyard, and they'd said—he can't remember. Not everything. He does remember very precisely the moment when he gripped Dean's wrist and Dean looked up at him like he was surprised and Sam had said, you know, Dean, you know what I— and Dean had covered Sam's mouth with three fingers like it wouldn't be true, if he didn't say it. But then he tugged his hand away and he leaned up and kissed Sam, anyway, so it didn't matter so much, if Sam said it or didn't. That was the first time.

Over the years they fell closer together and farther apart. They hurt each other, sometimes so badly Sam thought it'd be forever broken and he'd just have to live that way, with his ribs split apart, bleeding where anyone could see. When they came back together it felt like nothing could ever split them up again. Not demons, or angels, or death.

The last time, they were in a cabin in Montana, and they were going to do something nuts in the morning. What else was new. It was quick, and then it was slow, and afterward Dean lay half-sprawled over Sam's chest, the two of them sticking together with sweat and worse, and Dean tipped his forehead against Sam's collarbone and sighed. This is such a dumb plan , he said, and Sam drew two fingers up from between his shoulderblades to the little soft hollow at the top of his spine, where his hair was shorn to velvet, and where Sam tended to bury his nose, when they slept in the same bed. When they let themselves do that. Yeah, Sam said, after too long, but when has that ever stopped us? Dean snorted, and rolled away, and Sam curled behind him that night in the too-small bed, and in the morning, for once, Dean woke up first, and he smacked Sam's shin and said come on, sleeping beauty, time to ride , and Sam groaned and got up and didn't think about it, much, and then that night Dean was dead. Gone, or dead.

He thinks about it, now. What he would've done, if he knew that was the last time he'd be allowed to touch his brother. What he might've said, if they'd had the chance. Before hell—before hell for both of them—they'd known what was coming down the pipe, and they'd been scared, and they hadn't screwed either time, or slept together, even. They sat, shoulder-to-shoulder, staying awake past midnight and through to dawn, and when it was time—they'd gotten in a goodbye, each of them, and Sam had ached to know how little that was. How it wasn't enough. This time—he didn't get a goodbye. He gets to look, but not touch. He gets to smile at him nearly every day and he gets Dean's jokes and his ridiculous stories and his safe, sure guidance, his eyes on Sam's speaking the promise they always gave each other—and it isn't, it isn't nearly, it isn't close, to enough.

*

Summer passes into fall, and fall into winter. Sam doesn't reach for the wrong wrench as often. He takes a drive through a cool twilight and when he opens the motel room door with a six-pack in hand, Dean appears one second later, looking out at the car through the window, and he says hey, how's the carb treating you?

He sits at the table in the room, taking the carburetor apart piece by careful piece. Dean looks over his shoulder, leaning on the table (somehow), pointing out where Sam's screwing it up (constantly). "Maybe if you weren't breathing down my neck," Sam says, and Dean snorts and says wouldn't have to if you'd ever paid attention to anything that wasn't Eskimo poetry , and then Sam tells Dean that Eskimo isn't an appropriate word to use, and Dean tells Sam that he need to clear the sand out of his vagina, and—it's not enough, but god if Sam isn't happier than he's been in—how long? Since the last time Dean was sitting right there, with his arms folded over the back of a chair, grinning at Sam and getting under his skin and just being—everything. Everything that mattered.

It starts to rain, before Sam's done. He leaves all the parts spread out and clean to dry on the table and sinks onto the couch with his beer, and Dean looking at him still from his backwards perch on the chair, and his grin softened down to something else. "What," Sam says, tipping his head against the wall. He's feeling mellow. In pain, maybe crazy. Content. Desperate. The usual. He's gotten used to it. Thinking maybe it'll be this way, ever after. Thinking he can handle it, if that's so. Dean's here even if he's not here, and that means that Sam doesn't want to be anywhere else.

Dean's got a bruise on his cheekbone, again. A cut on his lower lip. He looks tired. He flickers, precursor maybe to disappearing, but he stays. In the dim light he looks almost real. Almost present, like Sam could reach out and get his hand around his jaw and tell him everything he's ever thought, everything he ever wished for the two of them. How he meant it, when he told Dean there was nothing he wouldn't do. Even live, if that's what it came down to, just for the hope to see Dean's face, one more time.

The rain's loud, on the eaves of the motel. Dean hasn't said anything. Still just watching, his eyes steady. His mouth that soft curve. "What?" Sam says, again.

Oh, Dean says, quiet. You know.

Sam does.

[haworthiaace]

I’ve recently discovered that writing may be a little bit fun so. Here’s something for @shadeswift99 ‘s ghostbusters au (this post right here) :]

Tango didn’t believe in ghosts.

Why would he? There had never been any reputable, scientific evidence, and despite what his friends have told him countless times, ‘feeling a presence’ didn’t count as scientific evidence. However, his conviction didn’t seem to deter Zed and Impulse at all, who regularly barged into Tango’s apartment with their latest ‘discovery’. 

“Tango, guess what?” The sound of his poor, battered door slamming open once again and Zed’s excited voice disrupted the peaceful silence that had dominated the room for the past few hours.

“Hi Zed, Impulse, good to see you guys too.” Tango didn’t have to look up from his laptop to know that Impulse was standing right behind Zed, too polite to barge in without some sort of invitation. Not polite enough to stop Zed, unfortunately.

Zedaph didn’t even acknowledge the greeting, continuing his thought the second he flopped down into a worn armchair. “Impulse and I were talking, and then we got on the topic of those guys who visit haunted places and hunt ghosts, and then I said ‘Well why can’t we do that?’” He sat up, eagerly looking at Tango, who could not for the life of him figure out what the man wanted from him.

Impulse, in his infinite kindness, noticed his friend’s confusion and filled in the gaps Zed had left in his excitement. “Zed and I want to start a ghost hunting business, and we need you to join us because you have a car.” He sat down much more gracefully than his companion, holding a small bowl of chips stolen from Tango’s kitchen.

The room was silent for a moment. “Hold on, what?”

“We-“

“No, I heard you, I’m just not exactly sure why you would think to ask me.” Tango never went on their other adventures no matter how many times they asked. After all, he had better things to do than chase wind and broken air conditioning, and it was dangerous to set a precedent. “You’re the ones who believe in all that fancy mystical stuff, not me.”

Zed stopped bouncing, and Impulse quickly brought forward the second, more practical half of their pitch. “We know you don’t believe in any of this, but even if ghosts aren’t real-”

“Which they are!”

“Right. A lot of people believe they are real, and will pay good money for some help handling them.” 

Tango pondered this for a moment, making A Face for effect that made Zed giggle. Impulse had a good point, as was often the case unfortunately. Tango didn’t have a stable source of income at the moment, and an actual business could help quite a bit with groceries, especially if Impulse was going to keep stealing his snacks every time he came over. And working with friends would certainly be a bonus.

“What the hell, I’m in. Worst case scenario nothing happens and I laugh at you two.” Zedaph lit up like an over ambitious Christmas tree, resuming his bouncing with even more enthusiasm than before. 

Impulse just grinned, “And best case scenario you finally figure out the truth.”

“In your dreams, Impy.”

-

Tango opened his eyes, and found himself lying prone on the floor. What was I doing? The dark, musty room plus Impulse and Zed looming over him struck a bell in his head.

They were on a job, as was the case most nights. Why Zed and Impulse insisted they do this at night was beyond him, but that was an argument for another time. A nonsensical ventilation system and a questionable foundation caused strange happenings in the home, and the trio had been called in. But even Tango had to admit this house was strange, and different from the others. The moment he entered, the hairs on the back of his neck raised, and he felt a chill. Their whole visit had been shadowed by a sense of wrongness. 

“...Tango? Is that you?” Impulse’s voice broke the silence, with a hint of uncertainty that shouldn’t have been there.

“Yeah dude, of course it’s me. What happened?” Tango groaned, pushing himself up into a sitting position. His head spun, but he forced himself to stand.

Zed raised his hands in a placating gesture. “Alright, I know this is going to sound really strange, but we think you got possessed?” 

Tango stared blankly at his two friends, and finally through the fog in his head realized they were dead serious. “Really guys? Come on, I know you believe in ghosts and all but isn’t possession a little bit much?”

Impulse started wringing his hands, and Zed spoke up, quieter than before. Neither one would make eye contact. “You… you weren’t yourself Tango. You looked angry, and kept throwing things.” Huh. Well that explained the broken furniture scattered around the room, and why Tango was so sore. “You knocked over a salt shaker, then suddenly passed out when the salt touched you.”

Tango was fairly certain he had never done that before. He was unnerved by the gap in his memory, but he tucked that into a corner of his mind to unpack later. Right now he had to convince these two knuckleheads that he wasn’t possessed.

“I haven’t eaten today, it was probably that.” They gaped at him, but whether it was because of his adamant skepticism or his poor eating habits Tango couldn’t tell. “It might be like… a low blood sugar thing.” Tango tried his best to be nonchalant, but his friends didn’t look relieved.

Zed stood up, the worry in his face replaced with anger as he crossed the room in long strides towards the door. “I really can’t believe you. Here we are, worried for your life and soul, and you call it low blood sugar.”

That wasn’t meant to happen. Tango rushed to fix his mistake. “I- I’m sorry man. I know you guys are worried, but I’m fine now! Whatever it was, it seems to be gone.” A small smile crossed his friend’s face, and Impulse moved to stand behind Tango, clapping a hand on his back.

“All that matters is you’re alright. Anyway, I think the salt scared the ghost off, so how about we head home, get some post mission pizza for that low blood sugar of yours?”

“Sounds like a plan to me.” Tango grimaced at the disaster that he had apparently made. “How about we tell the homeowners that the ghost did this?”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The ironic thing is that he wasn’t even on a mission at the time.

Tango was on his way home, cradling a bandaged hand that he would surely have to explain the second he walked into the apartment he shared with his business partners. His mind repeated the events of the past hour as he made his way down the sidewalk.

He had been browsing a thrift store, searching for a new pair of boots after his old pair wore out. He loved them dearly, but when the sole ripped off for the third time, Impulse drew the line and sent him off to find a new pair. His wandering/ moping brought him to One Man’s Trash: a rickety, rundown looking thrift store that was absolutely perfect. In Tango’s experience, all the good stuff got snatched up too fast at more popular stores, and there didn’t seem to be anything wrong with this place other than its appearance. 

He delicately pushed the door open, greeted by a dusty smell mixed with cleaning supplies, and  a loud, clear bell that was hung above the doorway. The interior walls were plastered with peeling, faded orange wallpaper that Tango guessed was at least 50 years old. They were decorated with dozens of picture frames containing vintage photos and postcards, each with its own price tag. The grey, carpeted floor complained where he stepped, and it was covered in tables with items for sale. It seemed people donated plenty, but never shopped here. Nobody was attending the front counter, which wasn’t a surprise for a place that probably only saw one customer a month, so Tango began his quest for the perfect pair.

After spending a good hour searching every nook and cranny of the disorganized sales floor, he found a sturdy pair of black leather boots hidden underneath a table, almost knee high with a one inch heel. They were covered in buckles and looked like they would be featured in a suburban parent’s nightmares. In the entire time he was there nobody had come out of the doorway in the back of the room, which Tango admitted was a tad strange. He even checked the sign in the front window to be sure, but the word ‘open’ was still lit up in neon just as it had been when he entered. He tapped the bell next to the cash register, but after a minute still nobody had arrived. He rang it again, and once more after that, still with no answer.

“Hello?” He tried, walking towards the only other doorway in the room, searching for a break room or something where the cashier might be. Maybe they fell asleep. “Is anyone here? I’ve got this pair of boots I want to buy.” 

Still no answer.

He felt awful about invading the back room like this, but he was growing concerned. What if something had happened to the cashier? What if someone was in trouble? So, he pushed open the door, and found himself staring up at someone; a man with frazzled black hair and a brown suit that looked about as old as the wallpaper. 

Except he could also see the break room. Through the man’s chest.

He blinked rapidly, trying to process what was certainly just a trick of the light. It was obviously just a shadow on the fabric that looked like a couch behind him. A very detailed couch, covered in a floral pattern with two overstuffed pillows on either end. The strange man didn’t say a word, simply staring at Tango with an increasingly malicious grin, watching his mind try to wrap itself around what he was seeing. 

Then, without warning, he snatched Tango by the wrist, spinning him around and leaving bleeding scratches where the man’s claw-like nails had torn into Tango’s skin. Before he could even register the pain, the man charged at him and Tango braced for impact, but felt a deep chill instead. It was the coldest he had ever felt, as if every winter from the next hundred years had come to take out their wrath on one man. 

It passed half a second later, leaving Tango shivering and clutching his bleeding hand. The man was gone. “How did he- oh shit.”

Sometimes, there comes a time when a person must accept defeat. When they’ve lost the battle, and are left with nothing but their pride. As Tango kneeled on the carpet, frozen to his core and holding his bleeding hand, the boots long forgotten, he could only see one logical explanation for… all of this. 

“...Ghosts are actually real.”

So it turned out that the shopkeeper had to step out for a few hours due to an emergency, and also that ghosts exist and haunt thrift stores.

The cashier was really quite nice about the whole ordeal, offering Tango some first aid and the boots he found for free as an apology for their otherworldly roommate’s “antisocial habits.” As Tango walked home, boots in his uninjured hand, he had another revelation, albeit not as earth shattering as the first. He didn’t actually have to tell Zed and Impulse what happened while he was out. It would keep them humble to have someone constantly denying the validity of their work, and Tango may or may not have found it a little, tiny bit funny. He was doing them a service, really! Tango grinned to himself, delighted by how much his friends would appreciate* his help**.

*they did not appreciate this, and were in fact greatly annoyed

**this was not remotely helpful to anyone

-

Tango woke up, finding himself on the floor as he now did more often than most people would consider normal. Then again, most people weren’t an optimal vessel for otherworldly entities. This time though… something was wrong. More wrong than usual.

He was cold, despite the thick summer air, and he felt like his lungs had shrunk to a quarter of their size, his breath coming in short puffs. He noticed that he was in the same room from before he lost consciousness, and that it was in the same condition he had left it in, which didn’t happen often. Usually ghosts took advantage of corporeal hands to do some property damage, but this time the modern, expensive looking couches were thankfully unbroken, same with the family pictures on the walls. 

... What was on his face? Tango felt a liquid slowly running down his cheek. Had the ghost been crying? That was a first. He reached a hand up to wipe away the tears and saw a flash of red. There was a smudge of blood on his left hand, but no injury.

He felt dread settle in his stomach, and slowly reached up with his clean right hand to touch what he had assumed was tears.

Sure enough, his fingertips came away red. “What the hell?” He asked, to nobody in particular.

“Tango! Oh my god, are you alright? Of course not, why am I asking that?” Zedaph burst into the living room, seemingly invited by Tango’s outburst. He grimaced at the floor and Tango followed his gaze to see a concerningly large pool of blood surrounding Tango. This would certainly explain why he felt so much worse than usual. “It threatened you and forced us to leave but then I didn’t leave and I snuck some sage into the room and then I heard a thud and-”

“Zed, slow down.” Tango groaned, holding his spinning head in his hands. “I can’t process a word you’re saying right now.” 

Zed seemed to remember his friend’s recent blood loss, looking sheepish. “Right, my bad. It’s a long story, but we need to get you to a hospital or something. Not to be rude, but you look awful.” 

“It’s alright, I feel awful so at least I match on the outside.” Zed started to walk across the room, trying not to step in the puddle whilst also trying to help Tango up.

Eventually he managed to pull Tango up by the hand, holding him steady when he started to sway.

Impulse greeted them with relief when they made it out to the car, Tango leaning on Zed’s shoulder, but he looked horrified once Tango’s face came into view. “Oh my god!” He covered his mouth with both hands, then immediately dropped them as though he had been rude. “Oh man, sorry about that, it’s just- your eyes…”

Tango shrugged, “Yeah, they seem to have sprung a leak.” 

“Well I knew about that, but…” His eyebrows furrowed as even he, a believer in almost anything supernatural, was confused about whatever disturbing thing this ghost had done. “They changed colour? They’re red now. Like, the whole eye, even the white bit.”

“Cool.”

Zed piped up from his position under Tango’s arm. “‘Cool’? What do you mean ‘cool’?” He did his best to make air quotes without dropping his friend, who had clearly gone mad. “You literally got possessed and started bleeding from your eyes, and now they’ve changed colour, how is any of that cool?”

Tango, in his noble quest to annoy his friends, just shrugged again. “Probably burst a blood vessel or something, and it got in my eyes. Man, why is it always ghosts with you two?”

A Look came across Impulse’s face. Probably Zed’s too, but Tango couldn’t exactly see him. It was a Look that meant Tango had completely baffled them with his supposed obliviousness, which had only happened a few glorious times.

“Ok he’s clearly delirious, we should take him to the hospital.” Impulse pushed himself off the hood of the car and opened the back door, placing a towel on the seat. After all, this was Tango’s car and Impulse figured he probably wouldn’t appreciate blood all over the back seat.

“I mean, regardless of his bullshit he definitely needs to see a doctor, there was a lot of blood on that floor.” Zed quickly followed, helping Tango into the backseat then sliding in next to him. Tango supposed it was to keep an eye on him, which was great because he felt ready to pass out again.

On the bright side, he caught a glimpse of his eyes in the rear view mirror and they did in fact look cool as hell. Of course, Zed and Impulse later disagreed because it could have been a ‘serious medical issue,’ but that was their problem.

-

At the end of a very long and very strange day, the trio sat around on a variety of couches and chairs in their living room, four half eaten pizzas scattered about the room. Although, they weren’t exactly a trio anymore - a new member had decided to join them regardless of what Tango, Zed, and Impulse had to say about it. An entity (for he surely wasn’t human) known only as the Beetlejhost sat cross legged in an armchair, looking completely at home despite only having been there for about two hours.

If asked, none of the ghost hunters could precisely recall how the Beetlejhost had joined them. One moment they were on a job like any other, the next they were being insulted up and down by a ghost in a black and white striped suit. After that first encounter he hadn’t left them alone, despite their efforts including but not limited to: every ghost busting method they had ever heard of, and others that they hadn’t. 

Impulse sat up straight for no discernable reason, smacking the arms of his chair and startling everyone except for, of course, the Beetlejhost. He turned to Tango with a shit eating grin, which was absolutely a cause for concern.

“Hey Tango?” Uh oh. If the grin wasn’t bad enough, the singing tone in his voice solidified that whatever thought just entered his mind was truly devious. That or incredibly embarrassing. Maybe both. “It seems like our new roommate has a few… strange qualities. Supernatural, one could say.” He looked expectantly at Tango, that awful grin never leaving his face.

Uh oh.

Tango supposed that the jig was up. It had been a good run, he supposed. “Yeah, whatever. Ghosts are real, you happy?”

Just because he was busted didn’t mean he couldn’t sulk, so he crossed his arms and sank into his chair, completing the look by sticking out his bottom lip like a child who was just told ‘no.’

Zed piped up from where the others had assumed he was napping, not bothering to remove his face from where it was planted on the couch. “Absolutely.” The word was muffled, but it got his point across. Meanwhile, Impulse was smugly eating another slice of room temperature pepperoni pizza. Vindicated at last, after over a year of exasperated arguments and comical obliviousness. 

“I hope you know I’m only admitting it because I’m afraid of what the Beetlejhost would do to convince me.” Tango gave up on his sulking and walked across the room to the box of cheese pizza precariously balanced on the edge of the coffee table. The man (or ghost? I suppose one can be both.) in question was looking off into the distance, lost in assuredly horrible thoughts. “And for the record, I figured the whole ghost thing out months ago, I just really liked annoying you guys.”

“Months ago?” Impulse held his pizza inches away from his mouth, the grin wiped off his face. “Are you telling me that when a ghost literally put you in the hospital and you still denied it, that was all just to annoy us?”

Now it was Tango’s turn to be smug. “It worked, didn’t it?”

-

So no, Tango didn’t believe in ghosts. But after everything he’d seen, he sure as hell believed in them now.

[marvel-and-mischief]

Daffodils

Part of my Floriography Series

Pairing: Max Phillips x GN!Reader Words: 1900 Warnings: unrequited love, angst, character death (sort of, it’s vampires!), descriptions of blood and gore, descriptions of dying, descriptions of violence Synopsis: Max is selfish, thoughtless, egotistical, and it might just lead to your downfall

Daffodils: Latin name is ‘narcissus'; based on the tragic myth of the beautiful Greek hero who fell in love with his own reflection 

💐

You could see him now, standing in his office, pulling a blue steel pout in the mirror and fixing his hair with a comb. It was eight-thirty in the morning and Max was readying himself for the day as he usually did, putting a smile on his face and looking good despite the fact he never dealt with customers in person. You supposed it was a state of mind; if he looked good, he felt good and could charm whoever was on the other end of the phone. 

You’re not sure if he knew you watched. Where your desk was situated on the other side of the room, you were the only person in the office that could see what he was doing. You’d never caught him looking at you, or even noticing you for that matter, but that’s how you liked it. Blending into the shadows, head down, getting your work done, and then you could go home on time. 

Giving himself a wink, Max turns around in one smooth pirouette and strides out of his office to greet everybody with wide arms and a toothy grin.

“It’s Monday morning, I know, it sucks,” Max rolls his eyes playfully and puts his hands on his hips in an exaggerated manner, “but if we drive our sales up today then the rest of the week will be a breeze. Come Friday we’ll be sipping on cocktails and laughing at Josh over there, hey Josh,” Max waves sarcastically at a man in the corner who is trying to shrink into his chair and hide his face behind his hand. Everybody except you and Josh titter at Max’s jab. 

Max claps his hands loudly to silence the room and waves in a ‘shoo’ motion to get everyone back to work before returning to his office. It reminded you of a theatre play, how rehearsed it all was, how perfectly he moved from one action to the other. 

That was why you’d started to watch him in the first place. Your train always got you into work an hour before you needed to be there and you’d noticed how he rehearsed things in the mirror in his office before anyone arrived. Motivational speeches to himself, happy smiles and sad smiles, even different types of winks (you knew he preferred his left eye). It was fascinating to see your boss, who was usually brazen and over-confident, practicing his personality for the day. 

Being unnoticed gave you the opportunity to observe him when he thought no one was looking. Like how you never saw him eat anything, only drink from a large flask which he never poured out into the cup that screwed into the top, which was odd but then he was an odd man. He had a subconscious quirk where he’d run a finger along his side parting and sometimes he’d catch himself doing it and look mournfully around his office, as though he was remembering something he’d rather forget. 

But you tried to get noticed sometimes, tried to bring attention to yourself in small ways, just to remind him you existed, that you were there. 

You brought lemon candies back from your beach vacation last Summer, had said you’d brought too many gifts for your family and thought he’d like them. It wasn’t true of course. You’d specifically looked for something to buy him but realised you didn’t know what he liked so had grabbed them in a last minute panic from a little gift shop next to the gas station. He mumbled a thank you without looking, not expecting anything more than that. But it had stung when you found them on top of the trashcan outside the office building. By the front door. He must have known you’d see them as you left the office that day and he didn’t care. Still, it hadn’t dissuaded you.

Sometimes Max would need someone to look over numbers on a Friday night and he’d asked you (via an email). You didn’t mind, there were always regular trains to catch and it’s not like you had anyone waiting for you at home. You tried to use those nights to pry open the enigma that is Max Phillips. You never got far.

The first time you stayed behind had mostly been a silent one. Max hunched over his computer whilst you sat opposite him. You had asked him about his weekend, only to receive a shrug and a muttered ‘out with the lads’. 

The second time you helped him with the numbers you’d managed to peak his interest when you placed your phone down on his desk, your screen lighting up to reveal your favorite movie as your background wallpaper. He’d looked impressed, a conversation starter on the tip of his tongue but instead of saying something, he’d taken a deep breath and pursed his lips before turning back to his computer. 

Had you offended him without realising it? Did he not like the way you worked? You couldn’t put your finger on why he treated you the way he did. 

-

Tonight was another Friday night that Max had asked you to stay behind, but it was far from ordinary. For starters there was a mug of freshly brewed coffee sat on your side of the desk when you entered. You looked questioningly at Max.

“Don’t you like coffee?”

You hurried to nod and sat down. That was possibly the most Max had ever spoken to you. It was what you’d always wanted; for him to acknowledge you as a member of his team, as a hard worker, as a human being. Perhaps you should have responded but you were in shock. You tried the coffee once it had cooled down, it was exactly how you liked it, how did he know?

The rest of the hour went by without either of you talking. You stood from your seat and handed him the closed file.

“Everything’s in order,” you said, putting your coat on and picking up your purse, “I’ll see you on Monday.”

Max grunted something unintelligible as you walked to the door. He spoke a sentence to you today, maybe it’ll be two sentences next week? You internally kicked yourself for letting him walk all over you. He didn’t care for you the way you cared about him, he didn’t think of you as much as you thought of him, when would you learn?

Before you passed the glass windows of his office you looked back to see Max looking in the mirror, fixing up his hair and smoothing down the front of his three piece suit. He looked in the mirror more than he ever looked at you. That should be enough to shake some sense into you. He’d never like you more than he liked himself, but the heart didn’t work on logic. Unfortunately. 

You shook your head and left him there to gaze into his own reflection.

It was dark and cold in the early evenings so pausing to pull on gloves and a woollen hat in the foyer before stepping outside was a must. Just as you were adjusting your hat over your ears you heard movement from a supply closet to your left. You froze, listening out for anymore noise, hoping it was just your imagination. It was deathly silent.

If it came to it you’d run back to the elevator and go and ask Max to check it out for you, damned if it made you look pathetic. If it was someone messing about Max could deal with it, if it was a trapped animal then you’d be doing the cleaning lady a favor in the morning by letting it loose tonight. 

You startled at the noise, turning just in time to see the door knob of the supply closet being rattled from the inside. You weren’t a naturally brave person but you were curious, some would say nosey. You found your feet creeping towards the closet.

“Is someone trapped in there?” You received no reply as you placed your hand on the door knob and slowly turned.

The door flew open suddenly and you were faced with a monstrous contortion of skin and bones, sharp fangs flashed in front of your eyes and then you were hitting the ground. You felt a hot sting of excruciating pain at your neck, like your flesh was being torn apart and warm liquid dribbling down your skin and soaking your shirt.

Your vision became blurry and unfocussed but you think you saw Max, or heard him shouting your name and in a haze of motion the man at your neck had been thrown across the room and then it was his face you were seeing hovering above yours. 

“You stay with me, you understand?” He was panicked you realised, his voice becoming shrill as he held you in his arms, a hand pressed to your throat to stop any more blood pooling out. 

“I’m sorry, I tried to prevent this, I didn’t want this for you.”

You frowned up at him, wandering what he meant. What was happening to you? Why did he care when he didn’t even look at you on any given day?

His brow was furrowed, his lips turned downward, a look of pity in his eyes and it made you mad. Furious. You should be pitying him. This man who loved nobody but himself, who cared for nobody but himself. He was selfish and prideful and didn’t deserve your kindness. 

The adrenaline coursed through your veins and you felt the overwhelming urge to grab him and tear him limb from limb, like you saw predators in documentaries rip apart the flesh of their prey. Max saw the change in your eyes before you attempted to reach for his neck and swiftly held you to his chest in a strong grip.

“I promise I’ll help you through those urges,” he whispered into your ear but it sounded like being underwater when someone was shouting at you from above, you couldn’t make sense of it.

“I thought, if I could keep you away from me then perhaps no one would notice you,” Max carried on but all you wanted to do was shut him up, press your fist into his mouth and stop him talking.

“Perhaps if I’d done the opposite, protected you by keeping you near me, this wouldn’t have happened,” Max carefully pressed your head to his chest, away from his skin so you couldn’t do him any harm. He knew exactly what you were going through and he wasn’t going to let you be alone like he was.

“Because of course I noticed you, how could I not?” 

You were crying now, and your head was pounding too loudly in your ears but his words were getting through to you at last. He’s noticed you? Then how could he treat you so terribly?

“Keep breathing, remember how it feels, it won’t be long before that stops.” 

You heaved in a sobbing breath and gripped onto his forearm that lay across your chest.

“What’s happening to me?” You managed to croak out. But did you really want to know that you were dying? 

“You’re being reborn.”

Permanent tag list: @autumnleaves1991-blog​ @phoenixhalliwell​ + @max--phillips​ 

[malfoymanortings]

lavender and velvet //part two

SUMMARY: she had her fathers eyes, his aristocratic looks, her grandmothers spite, her mothers heart, but the one thing she didn't have was the love of her father that her god brother received. juliet black finally meets her father who has already decided who his child is.

PAIRINGS: to be decided.

hello again!! hope you all are doing well. i hope you all are enjoying juliet’s story so far! stay hydrated everyone.

“FILTHY BLOOD TRAITORS IN MY HOUSE, BESMIRCHING MY NAME, DISGUSTING-”

“Who the hell woke her up,” groaned Ginny, lifting her head off her pillow.

Juliet blinked blearily, the screaming words in the unfamiliar voice having woke her up. “What is that awful screaming?”

“That would be your grandmother's portrait,” Hermione yawned, standing up from bed and stretching her arms over her shoulder, her shirt riding up to expose her hips. “She absolutely hates us all.”

“Can we not burn it?” questioned Juliet, slinging her legs over the side of the bed and scratching her cheek.

Ginny shook her head, tossing her covers back and standing up. “Unfortunately, there's a rather tough permanent sticking charm on the back of it. No luck there.”

The girls made their way out of the room, watching as Sirius competed in a screaming match with his mother’s painting.

“Will you be quiet you bloody woman!” Sirius shouted, hitting the portrait with his palm. “Even in your death you manage to disturb me!”

“ROTTEN BLOOD TRAITORS, SHAME OF MY FLESH, IN MY HOME THE MOST NOBLE HOUSE OF BLACK, HOW DARE THEY-”

“Enough!” roared Sirius, shutting the curtains with much more force than necessary. The screams filtered out, and finally silence echoed throughout the darkly lit hall.

“Who woke her this time?” queried Ginny, her voice quiet as to not wake the old woman.

“Your brothers,” Sirius shook his head, a ghost of a smile on his face. “They used their extendable ears on the meeting again, and they ran up the stairs to avoid your mother.”

Juliet watched as Sirius roamed his eyes over the girls, before stopping on her. He cleared his throat awkwardly, nodding to her. “Good morning.”

“One might think otherwise.” Juliet replied dryly, brushing past him. 

There was an awkward silence that followed, and she was soon in the kitchen where Molly was cleaning up while Harry and Ron sat at the table, eating breakfast. Hermione and Ginny joined her, Hermione sitting next to Ron, and Ginny sitting across from them. That left Juliet to sit across from Harry, a slight frown on her face.

“You lot slept forever,” remarked Ron, taking a large bite out of his toast. 

“Oh please, don’t act like you’re an early riser,” scoffed Ginny, scooping hash browns onto her plate. “This is the earliest you’ve been up in since the Quidditch cup, and I’m sure it was just because you were listening in with Fred and George.”

Ron’s ears turned red, and he mumbled something under his breath before taking a rather large drink of his pumpkin juice.

Juliet smirked, pouring herself tea, mixing in three sugars just as she liked it. A dash of cream, and it was complete. She sipped it slowly, the cup warming her cold hands. Grimmauld Place seemed to lack any sort of warmth, and the constant sound of wind blowing against the house was heard throughout. 

“Morning, dears,” Molly greeted the girls, setting down a bowl of fruit. “Help yourselves.”

As the rest of the table conversed among each other, Juliet stayed quiet, mulling things over in her head. She supposed it wasn’t too much unlike her other summers, as she stayed with the Weasley’s quite frequently, due to Remus’ condition, but it was too different for her to compare. Her father was here this time.

She had imagined this scenario many times before in her head, especially at night as a young girl. It was much different than this, however; normally her father would break out of Azkaban for her, and steal her away from Remus so she could help him with the Dark Lord. Once she found out he was innocent, her story shifted, and suddenly it was him breaking out of Azkaban to live a life with her, and proclaim his innocence. 

No matter the scenario she thought up, he always came back for her. She never thought there was someone else who he loved more.

“You alright?” Harry’s voice broke her out of her thoughts, and she realized she had been clenching her tea much so hard her knuckles were white.

“Fantastic,” she replied sarcastically, skewering him with a hard look. “I’m having the absolute time of my life.”

Harry blinked, and averted his eyes. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, looking away from her. Juliet rolled her eyes, shaking her head. 

Ginny nudged her, a silent plea to be nice. Juliet sighed, tapping her nails on the table. She wanted to be anywhere else but here.

She finished her tea quickly, and slipped out of the room. Wandering the halls, she herself drawn to a small room with winding branches as wallpaper. As she looked closer, she realized it was the Black family tree. 

Stepping further into the room, she looked closely at the names. She found the Malfoys, and she trailed her finger down the silver line connecting Lucius and Narcissa to Draco. A smile graced her face, and she wondered what her cousin was up to. Usually, the two of them spent time together over the summer, but with her spending time at Grimmauld Place, she wouldn’t be able to. Narcissa was lovely, and liked her niece, but Lucius wasn’t fond of her. However, she doubted Lucius was fond of anyone aside from Narcissa.

“I see you’ve found the family tree.”

Juliet turned to see Sirius leaning against the doorframe, his arms crossed. Instantly, she put her guard up, letting her arm drop to her side and her smile slip off her face.

“I didn’t mean to intrude,” Juliet paused. “I can leave.”

Sirius shook his head, striding forward. He stood next to her, looking at the branches. “This is your family history too. You haven’t got to leave.”

Juliet turned her attention back to the silver lines. Sirius leaned forward, pointing to a black spot on the wall. 

“That’s where my name was,” he explained. “And your mothers. My sweet old mother blasted me off once I ran away from home.”

“How did mine and my mothers name get on here?” asked Juliet, looking sideways at her father. 

“Well, whenever a Black is born they automatically get written into the tree,” Sirius let out a breath. “Your mother and I were both blood traitors, which is why our names were burnt out. Either she died before you were born, or she didn’t rush to make a judgement on you. I’m betting she died.”

Juliet nodded, her eyes drifting over towards Narcissa once more. Bellatrix was on there as well, of course, connected to Rodolphus Lestrange. 

“I never thought I’d be stuck in this house again,” Sirius said darkly, shoving his hands in his pockets. He walked away then, pausing in the doorway. “You’re welcome to look anywhere you would like. Maybe you’ll feel more comfortable if you do, after all, Slytherin pride was rampant in this house.”

For some reason, that comment rubbed her the wrong way. Before she could question exactly what he meant by that, his demeanor changed. He smiled brightly, holding his hands out.

“Harry,” He grinned, walking out of the room. “Molly putting you lot to work?”

Juliet stared out at where her father had just been, feeling her chest tighten. It was like he couldn’t be bothered to have more than a five minute conversation without feeling the need to run off to Harry. Feelings of unwant swept through her, and her throat tightened.

She turned her attention back to the wall, and she drifted her fingers across the lines. There were many other burn marks in the wall, and she could almost imagine her grandmother blasting the names off, perhaps laughing wickedly while doing so. 

Someone entered the room, and Juliet turned to see who it was. To her disappointment, it was Harry.

“This room is occupied, you know,” she said quietly, folding her arms across her chest. “I’m sure there’s many other places in this house you can be.”

“I can’t seem to understand why you dislike me so much,” responded Harry, stepping hesitantly in the room. “I dunno what it is that I’ve done-”

“I never said I dislike you,” she interrupted, stopping herself from rolling her eyes.

“If you don’t dislike me, then the way you’re acting is uncalled for.”

Again, her temper flared. “Uncalled for? You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Harry was cut off by Sirius entering the room, smiling at Harry. “Harry, there you are. I see you found Juliet. I’ve been meaning to talk to the both of you together, anyways.”

Juliet looked to Sirius, her fists balling up. She felt the sharp stab of her nails digging into her palm, but she didn’t care. She had a dark feeling she wasn’t going to like what he said.

“After my name is cleared,” Sirius began, his hands clasped behind his back. “I was thinking we could all finally be a family. We could all live here, or perhaps-”

“No,” Juliet cut him off, her temper coming to the surface. “You don’t need to include me in your plans out of pity. You want that for you and Harry. You don’t want me involved.”

“Why would you say that?” Sirius questioned heatedly. “I want the both of you-”

“Yet you only made time for one,” she shot back, her chest heaving. “You only escaped because Harry was in danger. Not because you missed your daughter. Not because you wanted your daughter. Because you wanted Harry. And each day, you make that abundantly clear.”

“You can’t seriously believe that!” exclaimed Harry, shaking his head. “He’s been trying to connect with both of us, but you keep yelling at him every chance you get-”

“Who did he send letters to?” Juliet seethed, glaring at Harry. “Who did he promise a life with third year? You. The only contact I had with him was Remus telling me it wasn’t safe for him to see me. But he saw you. He sent you letters. He couldn’t do the same for me?”

“Juliet, that’s enough,” Remus appeared behind Sirius, his face grim. “I understand you’re frustrated and hurt, but yelling at your father constantly isn’t going to bring the two of you closer.”

“I haven’t been yelling at my father,” she scoffed, brushing past the two men. “Not once did I shout your name, did I, Remus?”

It was quiet behind her after she said that. She was hoping the message had gotten through, that Sirius understood her hurt. That he understood that she didn’t view him as her father. As far as she was concerned, Remus was her dad. After all, he raised her. Took care of her. Told her stories of her father, making her think how great of a man he was, making her think that when she finally met him he would love her instantly-

Instead, that love went to Harry.

She didn’t realize she was crying until Ginny wiped her tears, leading her into their shared room. Ginny hugged her tightly, letting Juliet cry into her shoulder. She didn’t want to cry. She didn’t want to be weak. 

Juliet pulled away, sniffing and wiping her face. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Ginny gave her a squeeze, nudging her shoulder. “That’s what family’s for.”

“I went fifteen years without him, y’know,” she said quietly, her hands in her lap. “I didn’t need him then, and I don’t need him now.”

Ginny bit her lip, and Juliet had known her long enough to know the fiery haired girl had something to say, but kept it quiet. Probably a good thing, because if one more person defended her father, she might combust.

“How about I go get you a snack?” Ginny stood, giving her shoulder one last squeeze. “You only had tea for breakfast. I bet mum has something sweet hidden away from Ron.”

Juliet laughed, nodding her head. Ginny left then, leaving Juliet to herself.

It was just like she had told Ginny. Fifteen years had passed without him involved. She wasn’t going to force him to be a parent. She had the Weasley’s. Remus. The Malfoy’s.

Maybe she should go visit them.

one

three

four

five

taglist: @person1839 

again, just send me a message if you would like to be added to the taglist xx

[marmolady]

Helpless With You: Part Two (Estela x MC)

Main Pairings: Estela x (f)MC

Summary: Set at the beginning of Book 2. In the wake of the Vaanti's attack on The Celestial, everything has changed. And Taylor might just have found what she needs to somehow make it through. Here's Part One!

Word Count: 3111

Tagging: @saivilo, @edgydepressedchoicesthot, @sceptilemasterr, @greengroove ​

Thanks for reading!

Taylor had to conclude, as she trudged up a moonlit beach, flanked by the people she trusted most, that it really wasn’t all bad. The War Chief-- Seraxa, she thought she’d heard-- had been gunning for their blood; the tribunal could so easily have ended in a brutal group execution. The visions Varyyn had shared with Taylor left her in no doubt of how far south things could have turned. So, they were imprisoned? Yeah, not ideal, but they were alive, all fourteen of them. Including, though she could still barely believe it, Diego.

He strode along next to her, warring emotions playing across his unshaven face. Every few steps he’d glance back to the sea towards the towering tree village.

It couldn’t be easy for him, Taylor knew. Surely, it would be some relief to be reunited with his friends, but how could they understand what he’d lived through in the months that had passed? Varyyn-- lion mask guy-- had looked at Diego with care and affection; Taylor had seen it with her own eyes. Diego had been torn from a friend… again.

Taylor put an arm around him.

“How’re you holding up?”

Diego painted on a smile, practiced but feeble. He wasn’t fooling anyone anyway. “You’ll have to ask me tomorrow when I wake up and discover whether or not you guys are a dream.”

“I can pinch you if you like?”

“Actually, I’m good.”

Before Taylor could gently probe further as to her best friend’s well-being, they were approaching the crumbling old manor at the edge of the forest, and Estela returned to her side.

“We’ll have to check this place out, make sure it’s not going to fall down on us, but at least we’ll have shelter. And then… we work out how to get back.”

How to get to Rourke. It was unsaid, but Taylor heard it loud and clear. This was only going to be a minor bump in the road… it had to be, because Estela wouldn’t be stopped.

Taylor met her eyes and nodded. I’m with you.

“Rest will do us all good,” she said. “Apart from Diego, obviously, I don’t think any of us have had a wink of sleep since before the siege on the Celestial. Once we’re refreshed, I know we’ll figure this out. With the fourteen of us putting our heads together? We’re busting out of this place, murder-fish be damned.”

Diego laughed. “How did I ever get through without your pep-talks?”

“It’s a miracle; I know.”

The old manor was dark, and dank, and musty. The old-mouse-smell that hung around the place was… potent. It must have been truly something back in its day, and even in the gloom, with vines coming through windows and wallpaper rotting away, just a little bit of that former beauty remained.

Oil lamps in hand, Taylor and Diego staked out the second floor-- taking the creaking stairs very tentatively.

“Who’d have thought I’d ever be so grateful to be on the small side….?” Diego commented as his footfall prompted a particularly unpleasant groan from the wood.

Finding an open balcony, the banisters carpeted with moss, Taylor stepped out for some fresh air, and for the first time in what for him was a long time, and for her felt like a long time-- fearing for the life of someone you love could do that--, she relaxed with her best friend.

Diego being Diego, very little time was wasted before he delved into the really interesting stuff.

“So, you and Estela…?”

It took every ounce of strength for Taylor not to roll her eyes. God, she’d missed him.

“Yeah, that is kind of a thing now,” she offered him, then took a long pause, teasing.

“Oh, come on! I’ve been away for six months-- you know how gossip-starved I am!”

Taylor laughed, and leaned against the railing, getting comfortable. It had been an exhausting day-- as was the day before that--, but to be able to just talk like this with her best friend… it brought her back to life.

“Well,” she said, “you saw what happened. After some amount of prodding, I got up the courage to invite her up to my room. And… we went up to my room.”

“Aw, Tay, you can’t hold out on me like this! So, she was crushing on you back? I knew it!”

“Yeah, it seems that way. She asked me to kiss her.”

Diego squealed, muffling the sound with his hand.

“And, then we just… kept going.” Taylor blushed, but couldn’t stop smiling. Her bestie was happy for her-- evidenced by his wide eyes as he waited for more. “It was really nice. Actually, it was amazing. If I thought I couldn’t stop thinking about her before, now I…. It’s so overwhelming it’s scary. But it feels right. Does that make any sense at all?”

“It sounds like you’ve got it pretty bad. If it feels right, go for it!” Diego was beaming. “What is she like-- I don’t mean!-- I mean, what is she like? Our mysterious hottie. I’m guessing not so much of a mystery to you now…?”

How to put Estela into words? So much was just between the two of them, something Taylor wouldn’t dream of betraying; Estela deserved to have someone she could trust implicitly, and that was a work-in-progress Taylor would not jeopardise. But she deserved for the rest of the group-- hell, for someone-- to know that she was an amazing… a wonderful human being.

“Estela… cares a lot. I think everyone’s still having trouble letting her in, and I get it, she can be intimidating. But they’re missing out. She’s so freaking brave it blows my mind, and it’s not just a front-- she can and will kick ass. When I’m with her… I believe in myself. And when she smiles at me, it’s like my stomach bottoms out and my brain short-circuits.”

“She smiles now?”

Taylor elbowed him. “You gotta work for them, but it’s worth it. A thousand times over. And when she giggles it’s just… gorgeous. One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever known.”

“Oh no, Tay. You’re falling hard.”

“I know, I know. But oh my god, she is a good kisser….”

Diego burst out laughing, and Taylor couldn’t keep the giggles from bubbling forth herself. Just the pure, sweet relief of having him here with her, making everything feel almost normal. She didn’t know if she could ever forgive herself for letting him go… but he didn’t blame her for a damn thing. Diego, Taylor knew, was a better person than most. And she loved him.

“I really missed this,” he said, that lost look returning to his eyes. “There’s a whole lot I’ve gotta tell you… you would not believe how much I’ve been dying to talk to you about….”

“After six months? I can’t even imagine. Were you able to talk to Varyyn much? Am I saying his name right?”

Taylor realised she must have done, for the moment the name passed her lips, she could see Diego’s eyes well.

Diego bit his lip and nodded. “Yeah, Varyyn. I could talk to him-- well, eventually. But even before the language barrier went down, it always felt like he had my back.”

An intrusive flash of glass, and blood, and her own screams rocked Taylor on her feet. A vision of Varyyn standing over her as she cradled Estela’s pale, lifeless body.

“Tay? Are you okay? You look pretty faint….”

She felt pretty faint. She felt the blood on her fingers…. It was an accident. Varyyn said it then; it wasn’t meant to happen like that. And she fixed it. She swallowed hard.

“Yeah… yeah. Just tired.” Taylor managed a smile. It wasn’t much of a fight to keep it there, when she looked into her friend’s concerned-- and miraculously alive-- face. Varyyn had basically saved their asses in the tribunal, and even from just the short moments witnessed, she could sense he genuinely cared for Diego. Her best friend hadn’t been totally alone for those harrowing months, and it meant everything. She’d just somehow have to bring her perspective six months ahead, to where Varyyn was an ally, and not the person who could have killed Estela. Maybe she’d talk to Diego about it… but not now.

“Honestly? Me too. I have so much I have to tell you, but…. Right now I’m actually ready to hit the hay. Pretty sure my mind’s gonna be spinning too hard to sleep, so better give it a head start.” He clapped her on the shoulder. “Besides, don’t want to keep you from Estela too long.”

No. Wouldn’t want that.

____________________________

The old manor had become quiet; clearly, Taylor thought, it was not only herself and Diego wrecked from the day they’d just been through. Most of the group had crashed out on the lower floor, finding whatever soft surfaces they could. Not seeing Estela among those settled in the main foyer, Taylor went searching. As she did, her tired mind tried to make sense of the growing romantic feelings that had seemingly taken her over. Diego was right; she was falling hard and fast. Not just falling; fucking plummeting.

What was she doing? Whatever love story Taylor thought she might be forming with Estela, it wouldn’t have a happy ending. How could it, when Estela was striding purposefully towards a lifelong prison sentence at best, and a violent death at worst? If they did all find their way home, would Taylor just… go with them, even if Estela was staying behind to finish what she came here for? Could she? It had been so little time-- it had been no time at all-- but Taylor couldn’t see herself walking away from Estela, whatever the cost.

Are you mad?

I know that I care for her. I know what feels right, and that’s her. It’s her, it’s her, it’s her.

What did Taylor have to go home to anyway? It must have been another weird trick of the island, something to trap her here, but Taylor couldn’t quite picture home. Her memories were blurred out of focus. Nothing stood out, more important than the people around her now. There was nothing to stop her if she was to close her eyes and leap, putting all her faith in the starlight-eyed mysterious girl in the hoodie. Who knew where she’d land?

Estela is worth taking the leap.

There was no certainty on this island anyway-- no way to get home, no clues as to what else might be lurking out there-- why not just follow her gut and that growing feeling in her heart?

And there she was. Off on her own, tucked up cross-legged beside a window-- no doubt positioning herself at a good vantage point to respond to signs of danger. The light of the oil-lamp set off her sparkling eyes, drawing Taylor in like a moth to a flame.

“Mind if I join you?”

A little smile tugged at Estela’s lips.

“I’d hoped you would.” She made space beside her. “Maybe we can sleep together and make it through the whole night without getting attacked.”

“That would be nice.”

The serious frown returned to Estela’s face. Still in survival-mode. Taylor wondered if she ever left it. Had it just been that night they’d shared before the attack on the Celestial? Even then, it had ended with them fighting for their lives. How the hell could someone like Estela ever just wind down and relax?

“If this is where the Vaanti keep prisoners,” Estela said, “who’s to say if we’re even alone out here… but this ruin itself seems pretty deserted. We should be safe for now.”

It hadn’t occurred to Taylor, but it was admittedly a possibility that they weren’t alone, and that whoever else was out there might present a danger.

“Hopefully if anyone is out there in the dark, they’ll be intimidated enough by the size of a group that they’ll keep their distance.” She settled down upon the moss. “At least it’s not too uncomfortable.”

Estela breathed deeply. “It won’t do me any harm to get used to being imprisoned. I’m sure I’ll live through worse than this.”

For a few long moments, Taylor was silent. Then, tentatively, she ventured; “Does it have to be you? Isn’t there some other way we can make sure he faces--”

Estela cut across, her voice sharp. “Someone with as much money and influence as him? What do you think?”

Taylor fell quiet. Of course she knew that. It didn’t make it easy to come to terms with. She couldn’t imagine Estela’s mother could ever have wanted that kind of life for her daughter… but it wasn’t her choice to make….

“Do you think,” Estela continued, an anguished tremble shaking her voice, “that anyone out there gives a damn about a San Trobidan woman dying in suspicious circumstances?”

“No,” said Taylor softly. “No, I don’t.” There was that helplessness again. And she understood why Estela loathed it; it was crushing. But maybe it didn’t always have to be? “I still mean in that I want to help. We need to find a way to get everyone home, but I won’t stand in the way of what you need to do.”

Estela met Taylor’s eyes, thoughtful and unblinking. Taking her in, assessing, as she did every situation, every potential threat. Taylor didn’t want to be a potential threat, but as she gazed back, she realised she wasn’t. Estela just looked… intrigued, maybe somewhat baffled.

“I don’t understand you. I’d like to. Now that we’re…,” Her cheeks burned red, and she cleared her throat, “…kissing-partners.”

Oh my god. ‘Kissing-partners’? God, she was adorable. And god, how the hell could a person go from literally murderous to cute and soft and vulnerable that fast without falling over? Must have been all the physical training.

Estela threw her hands up.

“Well, I don’t know! What do you want to call what this is?” Her face flushed ever-deeper as she uttered the next word. “Girlfriends?” And then she stuttered defensively, “I-I mean, we’re not exactly ‘dating’ out here; obviously I’m not an expert, but this situation is kinda weird….”

“True. As much as I might love to take you out for a candlelit meal, somehow I don’t think that’s on the cards.” Then a brainwave hit her. They could do some semblance of the getting-to-know-you dating thing right where they were. “Hey! How about we play a game of Two Truths and a Lie? You wanted to get to know me better, yeah?”

Again, Estela was quiet, studying Taylor, but then she nodded and scooted closer. “Do you want to start?”

“All right.” Taylor thought for a moment. She didn’t want to jump straight to anything too intrusive, putting pressure on Estela to give up something heavy. “Three things about me, only two of them are true; my favourite flowers are roses, I don’t cry in sad movies but show me a wholesome sappy romance and I’m bawling, and… my favourite flavour of ice cream is strawberry.”

“First one’s the lie,” Estela declared without skipping a beat. “What is your favourite flower?”

Taylor grinned. Damn, if this woman didn’t have a knack for reading body language. “Sunflowers.”

“So, my turn I guess. I saw my first dead body when I was five. I’m actually a pretty good cook; my tio was usually busier than me, so it was my job most nights since my mom….” She trailed off. “I…. I said everything I needed to say to my tio before I left on this mission.”

So much for easing in. But it was at Estela’s pace. Mostly, Taylor was struck with the immensity of what Estela had lived through to get to be there, sitting beside her in a corner of their island prison.

“I’m sorry.”

Estela huffed a small laugh. “It’s not your fault. Beautiful idiota.”

But she took Taylor’s hand and squeezed. Taylor was touched that she could offer any comfort at all. What had she done to earn that trust? Had it been that first night, the two of them beneath the blanket Taylor had given, looking up at the stars? Just a small act of kindness….

“Your turn again.”

So, Estela really was fine? Sharing like this?

“After we miraculously found Diego alive after all this time, I’m not so afraid now. I’m certain we’ll find a way back.”

“Well, that’s definitely true. I used to think you were naiive like that. But now….” Estela’s eyes pierced Taylor; reading her, always reading her… but the affection there-- admiration even-- shone through. “You know the odds are stacked against us, but that’s not gonna stop you.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“You should. You… always surprise me. In a good way. It’s no damn wonder I couldn’t fight-- Anyway, I interrupted your turn. Two more things about you; one truth and one lie.”

“Okay…. I have found this vacation to be painfully dull. Never been so bored in my entire life. Should have brought another book to read.”

Estela snorted and batted Taylor on the arm. “Are you not going to take this seriously?”

“And, I would really like to call myself your girlfriend. I would like that a lot.”

That caught Estela off-guard. She quickly looked away, sheepish, and then nodded.

“That’s… true for me too.”

When she looked back to Taylor, her eyes were bright and her cheeks flushed. She was exhilarated. Happy and exhilarated… and it was beautiful on her.

“’Girlfriend’…,” she chuckled. “Sounds weirdly normal. It might take some getting used to.”

Taylor reached for Estela, cupping her face. “I think I’m gonna like getting used to it.”

And she kissed her, soft and sweet. The long, stray hairs that hung over Estela’s eyes tickled her cheeks. This was right. Taylor knew it from the way she could barely stop smiling through Estela’s tender kisses, feeling her smiling back. She couldn’t know a lot else, but this was right.

They lay down side-by-side; Taylor spooning Estela from behind, an arm around her, her face nuzzling into her girlfriend’s-- for it was now official-- sweet-smelling hair. Her stomach swooped as Estela nestled in, exhaling tension from her body, resting her hand against Taylor’s arm as if finding comfort in that simple touch. Taylor knew she’d be there for her, whatever it was they were diving blindly into.

She whispered against the space behind Estela’s ear, feeling a gentle hum of something like contentment… or something as close to it as Estela dared feel.

“I’m helpless with you, too. We’re facing this-- we’re facing everything-- together.”

[spencersawkward]

switchblade faith // spencer reid - chapter 2

summary: one month after joining the BAU, Clea is still settling in. between solving murders and getting acclimated to DC, the only comfortable thing in her life is her friendship with Dr. Spencer Reid.

word count: 3.5k

masterlist

Richard Slessman's bedroom looks like something straight out of a serial killer documentary. floral wallpaper taunts Morgan and I as we walk inside. a model airplane hangs above his bed; cheap medals-- the kind kids get for participation-- decorate the area above his desk, which is littered with books about forensics. there's a carousel of CDs, too.

"whoa." is my brilliant analysis.

"we should have Garcia check out this guy's laptop." Morgan starts to wander around the room, trying to piece together Slessman's head just by examining his things. a group of cops are already huddled at the table with the laptop open, and I realize too late what they're doing.

"log in password." one of them plucks a post-it off the screen, starts to type it in.

"wait, wait--" Morgan and I nearly lunge toward them, but the crackling sound of a fizzing motherboard tells me we're too late. the screen goes black.

"it's not turning back on." Genius #1 observes. Morgan sighs and squeezes his eyes shut in frustration.

"yeah, and it won't. it's a false password."

the cops stare up at us blankly.

"it triggers a complete shut down of his system." I clarify. they share a look, deservedly feeling stupid. I want to roll my eyes, but Morgan's told me that the police on these cases get defensive most of the time; they don't like us on their turf. one glance from my partner, though, and those guys flee the room without another word.

I pull out my phone and dial Garcia's number in the hopes that she can salvage whatever's left of this asshole's computer. we arrested him an hour ago and we can only hold him with probable cause because we don't have any charges yet. this house search could be our only chance to get him in custody.

"well hello, my fresh-faced beauty queen." Penelope answers on the second ring. a slight smile turns up the corners of my mouth.

"hi, Penelope." I watch Derek plugging something into the laptop, then opening another monitor next to it. "listen, Morgan's trying to set up Richard Slessman's computer and I was wondering if you'd be able to hack into it."

"oh, kitten," she sighs contentedly. "that's my bread and butter."

"great. I'm putting you on speaker." I press a button and wait for Morgan to talk. he's typing furiously until a tab pops up with the words "Deadbolt Defense" in bold above a box for a password.

"what's the six at the bottom of the screen mean?" I ask.

"remaining password attempts until it wipes the hard drive." Morgan replies. shit.

"Penelope, there might be a journal or document or something that tells us where Heather is." I inform her.

"what system are we talking?" she asks.

"Deadbolt Defense?"

"Deadbolt is the number one crack-resistant software out there, hon. you're gonna need to get inside this guy's head for the password."

my heart sinks. when my colleague double takes, it makes me think that this is a rare occurrence.

"babygirl, are you serious?" Morgan complains. my shoulders droop. Penelope has been nothing short of genius since I got here. slicing through sealed files and unfurling secret criminal records is always ridiculously easy for her.

"sorry, handsome."

"thanks anyway." I hang up and shove my phone into my back pocket. "so... what now?"

"now," Morgan takes another look around the room. "we get creative."

...

somehow, I wind up in the attic. I don't really know how this happens, seeing as I started by flipping through discs in Slessman's weird quasi-childlike bedroom, but it's certainly an interesting space. Christmas lights are strung about, along with some shawl-like material that drapes raw ceiling.

the laptop sits in front of me, password cursor blinking mockingly while I sit in the chair. my head is aching. despite having the unit go through every single one of the CDs in search of the most-played one (hoping it'll crack the password), there's been nothing.

at least there have been other successes since we got here: we know that Slessman isn't operating on his own. he's the submissive in a partnership with Timothy Vogel, a prison guard where he was incarcerated a while back. the problem is that Vogel was onto us and fled to the kidnapping site, which we can't find. I feel useless sitting here with nothing to offer.

I consider going back downstairs and perusing the room again when I hear footsteps on the stairs. Reid's head pops into the room, spinning a bent paper clip between his fingers.

"hey." I greet curiously.

"I've been thinking about the CDs." he responds, walking over to me. I rub the heels of my hands against my eyes.

"we tried it, Reid. there's nothing there," I slam my back to the cushions with an exasperated groan. "if we don't find something, this girl is dead."

instead of replying, Reid bends down next to the laptop in front of me, squinting at the DVD slot in the side. he pokes the end of his bent paper clip into the small opening.

"I think we may have missed the obvious." he murmurs, working diligently. I scowl.

"what do you--?" in response to my question, the DVD slot pops open and out slides a copy of a Metallica CD. Reid and I look at each other with wide eyes before I snatch the disc out of of the computer and stare at it. "what made you think of this?"

"it was the only empty case." he shrugs. I grin at him.

"okay, okay," we still don't have the password. I read the cover of the case he hands me. "I'm an insomniac who listens to Metallica to fall asleep. what song would make me do that?"

Spencer frowns, grabs the thing back from my hands, and scans the track list within the span of a second.

"'Enter Sandman'." he says. I watch the puzzle pieces fall into place in his brain, those lips parting with a slight smile playing at the edges. his eyes gleam with satisfaction.

"you are a national treasure." I type like the wind, unlocking the screen and immediately digging into his files. Spencer peers over my shoulder as we search for any indication of Heather's location.

"fucking bingo." I mutter when a video feed pops up. it's black-and-white, showing a crate in the corner of the room with a light hanging above it. Heather's inside, eyes duct taped and hands tied in front of her.

Spencer is already dialing Hotch's number. the blood drains from my face as I watch her trying to breathe through the gag in her mouth.

nothing in the feed is helpful in terms of finding out where she is. it's a nondescript room with wooden floors, mostly shrouded in darkness except for the light hanging overhead.

"wait a minute." I pause what I'm doing.

"hm?" Reid asks. I hit a few keys, trying something.

"I'm lining up the last twelve images." I explain as he watches me work. the photos sit in a grid on the screen, causing my heart to stop in my chest when I notice what I've been meaning to find. "look at the light."

"it's shifting positions like it's swaying," he notices. "like the earth is tilting."

"the ocean." I nod. we share another glance, both of our hearts hammering. we're so close to solving this, I can feel it in my chest. "we need to tell Hotch. find out if there are any piers or docks near here. there's no way he could get the webcam image from the middle of the ocean."

Reid nods, runs downstairs as fast as he possibly can. when he goes, I notice the board in the corner of the room: Go, mid-game. I've never learned how to play.

...

by the time I get back to my apartment that night, my limbs feel like jello. I collapse into the chair by my door and rub my eyes again. my head is still pounding now that the adrenaline rush has subsided. we ended up finding Vogel at the docks; Heather is safe. Hotch was shot in the arm, but he'll be fine. and I'm still a little in shock.

I hate the rumble of my stomach as I realize I haven't eaten since this morning. my head was too full of other thoughts to even consider food and after such a long day, I can barely fathom getting up to change into pajamas.

my phone buzzes in my pocket and I pull it out to see that Garcia texted me.

what are you up to? followed by a series of emojis that make me smile. I sink deeper into the seat before replying.

nothing why?

can I bring over takeout?

I stare at the message for a second with surprise. Garcia is fun and we've had drinks as a team, but I've never hung out with her one-on-one before. I'm curious.

sure. what genre of food should I expect?

Thai. send me your order!

that sounds so good right now, I almost order it myself. part of me is nervous about hanging out with a team member by myself, except she's been so friendly to me. Penelope was the first person to make me feel at home, aside from Prentiss.

I wait patiently for her to arrive, watching some TV and working my way through some leftover paperwork. my thoughts are everywhere right now, but when she tells me she's downstairs, I try to put it all out of my mind.

"hey!" I open the door to see Garcia with an armful of plastic bags.

"I have your curry, and I got chicken satay and spring rolls and fried rice in case you're still hungry." she beams at me. her bracelets make a pleasant clinking noise as she waves the goodies around.

"a woman after my own heart." I smile, stepping aside to let her in. we head upstairs and before long, we're settled on my couch with a full display of food on the coffee table. I heap my plate while she looks around my space.

"this place is so cute!" she says through a bite of spring roll.

"thanks. I've had it for about two years now. that window over there was really the selling point." I point to the enormous view of downtown DC, which is sparkling right now. there's another chair set in front of it, where I sometimes read or nap in my free time.

as we eat, Penelope and I gossip about work and the city and everything else. she's really easy to talk to. when I ask about her life, she doesn't seem guarded at all; unlike a lot of FBI agents I've met, she wears her experiences on her sleeve.

"how are you liking the team so far?" she asks a similar question as I received this morning. I smile to myself before answering truthfully.

"everyone is great. Hotch is kind of terrifying, but I've worked with people like him before." I shrug. he reminds me of one of my old professors: perpetually stoic to the point where he doesn't even seem like a real person. she laughs.

"he's super nice once you get to know him."

"really?" I look up.

"definitely. he's just always got that scowl on his face. don't let it put you off." she pats my hand reassuringly. I sigh, finish chewing my bite. there's been something prodding me since visiting Garcia's tech lair for the first time, when she showed me her collection of puppy calendars and fuzzy pens.

"can I ask you a question?"

"anything, my love." she smiles warmly. I hesitate, hoping I don't ruin the moment somehow.

"how did you get involved in the FBI? you just don't seem very..." my sentence trails off.

"government oriented?" she laughs. "I used to do a lot of hacking in my free time, and I got into some stuff that the government didn't like. and, um-- you know that saying, 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'?"

I nod.

"it was like that, except they hired me. and I love it." she finishes the last spring roll. I think on this, imagining Penelope doing something so serious that the American government hired her on the spot for her skills. it's interesting.

"so you don't profile at all." I state.

"technically no, but I've picked up a couple things." she smirks.

"oh, yeah? like what?"

"well, it's obvious that you're never home, based on the lack of decoration here." she refers to the mostly blank walls of my apartment. aside from a couple photos of my friends and family, there's not much unique to me. "and you've obviously got a candle addiction." she points to the various spots around the living room, where half-burned pots of wax sit patiently awaiting their next light.

"that's definitely true." I laugh. she gets up and starts to smell the various candles.

"I like this one a lot." she sets down my chai vanilla one. I let her go through my things, despite the fact that Garcia is incredibly reserved about people touching her own little office trinkets. she picks up stray books and memorabilia, occasionally making a comment.

while she does, I finish my curry. I'm way too tired to resist her search, anyway. I'll be curling up in bed soon and praying that tomorrow is a paperwork day. eventually, she settles onto the cushions again.

"you seem tired," she says when she glimpses the dark circles beneath my eyes. "I'll get out of your hair."

"what? oh, I'm sorry." I draw myself up a little more. "this last case just took a lot out of me."

"they all do." she gives me a soft expression, then pats my knee as she stands.

"Penelope." I say as she gathers up her coat and purse.

"yes, darling?"

"thanks. for the food and for coming over." I smile gratefully at her. the tech analyst stands at my door with a look on her face that makes me think we're going to be good friends.

"anytime." she heads out, leaving me on the couch. I stare at the mess of empty takeout boxes that I told her to leave. now that I've eaten, getting up to clean the space is even more difficult. I trudge about the apartment, wash some dishes, and head off to bed.

my body is too exhausted to remember the dreams.

...

"oh my god, I'm so sorry!" I practically sprint into the conference room, swinging my bag down by my feet as I grab the last open chair. JJ is standing at the front of the room with a new case on the screen. everyone stares at me as I settle in. "my train was super delayed."

"everyone is allowed to be late," Hotch barely glances up from the case file. "once."

a chill runs down my spine and my face flushes an embarrassing red as JJ passes me the remaining file. keeping my head down, she notices my discomfort and clears her throat.

"okay, you guys are heading to Arizona today." she clicks a button. some pictures pop up for us to see. "Bradshaw College in Tempe has had six fires in seven months."

it's a video recording of a building from the outside, and two students talking about a fire inside. the camera shifts to show them in their own dorm, examining a strange wet spot leaking into their room. and then one of them catches on fire.

he burns to death on tape. it's jarring, the shrieking noises he lets out as the flames engulf his body. they travel up his legs alarmingly fast, so much so that it's obviously chemical.

"the first fire was in March, the second in May. the third didn't happen until September." JJ explains once the clip is over. "and then two weeks later, there were three that happened in one night."

"he's speeding up." Prentiss observes from her spot next to me.

"82% of arsonists are white males between seventeen and twenty-seven. female arsonists are far less common, with motives usually limited to revenge." Reid sits across the table, adjusting his watch.

I raise my eyebrows at his fact and look more at the crime scene photos. burned flesh is definitely an uncomfortable sight, one that makes my stomach churn.

"sounds like he's a student." Morgan taps his pen against his fingertip and leans back in his chair.

"I wouldn't be so sure," Hotch continues to read the document. "we don't want to rely too much on precedent."

at this, I press my knuckles to my chin and try to think of other suspects. he's obviously doing these during the school year, but that doesn't necessitate that he's a student. he could be working on campus-- a professor, even.

"there's a rapid escalation. he's gone from the damage to a building to something far more satisfying." Morgan closes the file and we all look to Hotch.

"wheels up in thirty." he says. I get up to grab my go-bag and gather some things from my desk, my cheeks burning at the memory of being late again. I've never done that before, but I don't want to start now. maybe it's best if I start coming in early, just in case my train gets delayed again. I can't risk losing this job, or being moved to a different department. it was enough of a hassle switching from sex crimes to the BAU. I really want to settle into this position, and that includes having the unit chief not hate me.

"hey." Prentiss catches my wrist just as I'm hurrying out of the room. I turn to her.

"hi."

"a little birdy told me that you and Reid pretty much single-handedly solved that case yesterday." she smiles.

"oh, no. it wasn't just us." I shake my head.

"quit being modest. nice job." she nudges my shoulder as we walk down the steps to the bullpen. "also, I brought a couple of those horticulture magazines that I told you about. we should read them on the jet."

"no way!" I pause at my desk, grinning.

"one of them has a whole section on caring for orchids."

"orchids?" Morgan overhears her from his desk. he appears deeply concerned with our discussion.

"if you have to ask, you wouldn't understand." she smirks. he turns his attention to me in hopes of a clearer answer.

"it's plant care." my explanation seems to be enough to bore him, however, because he just shrugs and returns to packing his bag up. Emily waves the stack of magazines at me before I head over to her desk.

she doesn't really seem like the type of person to be into it, but when Emily caught sight of the air plants I've got scattered on my desk my first week, we got wrapped up in a conversation about them. there's a special magazine subscription as well that has a bunch of helpful tips about where to buy and how to keep them healthy.

I'm flipping through one of the copies on the way to the elevator, my nose buried in a section about how much to water Hoyas, when Reid and JJ pop in next to me. the blonde is on the phone with someone, presumably the Tempe police. I haven't seen much of her recently-- she's been staying behind for most cases-- but she sends me a sweet smile before returning to her call.

"what are you reading?" Spencer's eyes hungrily run over the paper, as if seeing something he hasn't already absorbed in that big brain is unbearable. his hair is slicked back as usual, and his tie is sort of crooked; he's not aware of it. I hold the material between us so he can take a peek.

"a magazine about plants that Prentiss and I like."

"fascinating. can I see?" he grabs it before I can answer, although I don't think he means to. his fingertip runs down the page quickly, and then he's flipping them like mad, staring at the pictures. my eyes widen at how eager he is; I guess his curiosity is enough to override any awkwardness.

"did you know that owning indoor plants is actually correlated to overall mood improvements?" he asks me once he finishes reading, attention still focused on the back cover. the elevator door to the main level slides open.

"no, but I'm proof of it," I take back the reading material and put it in my bag. we walk out into the lobby. his long legs mean that my pace has to quicken a bit in order to keep up. "something about taking care of them is quite nice. they don't need as much attention as a pet, but they still rely on you."

"interesting." he nods.

"I like to think so."

"maybe I'll get one." he muses more to himself than anyone else. I smile at his open-mindedness, keep my eyes on the tiles we're walking over. maybe he, Prentiss, and I can have our own affinity club. he would become more knowledgeable than both of us combined within the span of a week.

[sincerelybluevase]

Careful, Madam Chapter Seven

A/N: Here it is, the final chapter! Thank everyone for being so patient with this one (the first chapter was published in June 2020, insane how time flies) and for the lovely comments; they mean a lot to me! For a gorgeous preview made by @thegirlisuedtobe, click here. Tagging @alice1nwond3rland, @need-not, @mlletina, @msmaryadmitrievna, @solattea, @halewynslady.

Maxim was the first to speak. “Steady, Mrs Danvers. You wouldn’t want to shoot me.”

Mrs Danvers did not waver. She held the gun steady. Not a muscle in her face moved so that she seemed hard and resolute to me, marble-made. “Let go of Mrs de Winter, sir.”

He released my arm with a theatrical motion, raising splayed hands in mock surrender.

“Come to me, Madam.”

I went so quickly I nearly stumbled. I wished to clutch her arm, to feel the reassuring solidness of her long lean limbs, but I was afraid of what might happen; I didn’t want to set off the gun by accident.

Maxim looked at us with hatred. His face had turned cold and masklike with it. “Now what?” he asked. “You’ll shoot me, Mrs Danvers?”

“I will if you force me, sir,” she said.

“And then what, Mrs Danvers? What happens then? Have you thought about that? Should you kill me, you will hang; the law won’t take pity on you for being a woman. They’ll string you up by that thin neck of yours until you are dead.”

“They won’t if they know what you are, sir.”

“And what am I?”

She glanced at me, at my reddening cheek. “A murderer and a wife-beater.”

He laughed coldly. “That’s no reason to shoot me, now is it, Mrs Danvers? I think you and I and the law can all agree on that.”

“It is if you provoked me, if you threatened your wife and unborn child, sir.”

The laughter petered out. Still he smiled, showing his sharp canines. “You’d have to aim well then, Mrs Danvers, and kill me with one shot, because if you leave me well enough to talk, you’ll be done for. Who do you think the police and lawmen will believe: me, a gentleman with an impeccable reputation, or you, a mad, old, sexually-frustrated maid with unnatural tendencies?”

I wished to speak so I could defend her, but fear held me in its grip, petrifying and silencing me.

Mrs Danvers set her jaw and tightened her grip around the gun. “I’m a good marksman, sir. If I aim to kill, I shall.”

“Perhaps,” Maxim jeered, “but are you certain? And are you absolutely certain that, even if you kill me, you won’t go to prison? They’re harsh places, prisons. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in a cold, damp room, with only a strip of sky to remind you of what lies outside?”

Still Mrs Danvers held the gun steady, her joints seemingly locked into place. “Here’s what men like you don’t understand,” she said softly, “I gave the best years of my life to your first wife; I’m willing to lay down what years remain to me for your second.”

My love for her made a pain rise in my throat. I swallowed against the tears. I looked at Maxim, thinking he would refute her or curse at her. He did no such thing. Instead, he began to yawn, making a great show of it, his mouth opened so wide I could see the fillings in his molars. When he was done, his eyes watered. He brushed the tears away with a fingertip, then turned to me. “You shall stop this nonsense right now,” he said. He spoke as if I was a naughty child.

I shook my head. I could not speak.

A vein at his temple began to throb. I could see it jump around under the skin, writhing like a worm. “Oh, but you shall. You shall stay here, with me, and we shall forget this moment of madness. Mrs Danvers shall have to go, of course, no sane man would keep a housekeeper who pulled a gun on him, but I shan’t press charges. I’ll even give her a good reference. A woman with her qualities can work for any fine family in England. But you, my little darling, shall remain here, by my side, as my wife and the mother of my children.”

“No,” I whispered.

“No? What do you mean, ‘no’?”

“I don’t want to stay.”

He laughed in disbelief. “You don’t want to stay? Do you understand what you’re saying? Before you met me, you had no friends or kin, money, no prospects. You were an old lady’s plaything, her little whipping boy. I raised you up out of darkness. I gave you a name, a house, a reputation to uphold. Without me you have nothing and you are no one, just a grubby little schoolgirl with bad nails and a name no one can spell. Do you hear me? You are nothing!”

“She won’t be nothing. She’ll be my mine,” Mrs Danvers said.

With a roar, Maxim lunged at her. She pulled the trigger, but he knocked the gun out of her hand. The shot went wild, the bullet damaging one of the plaster leaves on the ceiling, causing crumbs to rain down dryly. The gun fell to the floor, skidded, came to rest not a step away from me.

Maxim punched Mrs Danvers in the face, once, twice, thrice. Her head snapped back. She staggered. Blood poured down her mouth and chin. She made a soft choking sound, coughed. Drops of blood flew from between her lips.

“Stop!” I meant to scream it, but it came out as a whisper.

Again Maxim struck her. This time she stumbled and fell, her skirts billowing around her like black sails. He bent over her and continued to beat her. His fists came down on her face and throat again and again and again, dull slaps of flesh against flesh.

“Maxim! Maxim, stop! You’ll kill her!” I screamed. The sound carried, though for all the good it did, I might well have kept my tongue; Maxim continued to brutally, systematically beat Mrs Danvers. She tried to sit up to fend him off, but he pushed her down. Again she rose, again he beat her down.

As a child, I had witnessed our cat playing with a mouse. It would let it run, only to smack it down with its paw before it could get away. The mouse didn’t stand a chance, yet it persisted hopelessly, just as Mrs Danvers would persist in trying to sit up until she could rise no more.  

There was only one thing to do. I bent down and took hold of the gun. It was still cool despite Mrs Danvers’ grip. I raised it and found it surprisingly heavy for its size; it almost slipped out of my clammy hand. With one eye closed I aimed the gun at Maxim, but I was shaking and dared not fire for fear of hurting Mrs Danvers.

I brought the gun to my temple instead. “Maxim, look at me,” I shouted. “I’ll kill myself! I’ll kill myself and your unborn child if you don’t stop!”

He looked over his shoulder. His face was spattered with blood, his lip curled into a snarl. He let go of Mrs Danvers’ dress, causing her to thud to the ground, and came to his feet. “Don’t!” he said. “Don’t you dare!” He stumbled to me, his hands outstretched to wrest the gun from me.

I pointed the gun at him, closed my eyes, and shot.

*

All of this happened many years ago. My life now is very different from the one I led at Manderley. I’ve said goodbye to England and now have no estate to call my home, no husband to lord over me. Here, my name means nothing, and my face, once plastered over every English newspaper, is just another face, easily forgotten. No one need know that I once was the second Mrs de Winter, the one who everyone knows because she killed her husband. An act in which she was justified, of course, since he had murdered his first wife and now wished to kill her, too, before putting a bullet through his own brain, but that never made the case any less sensational. Whenever I think of it – which, when I am honest, is seldom but still too often for my taste – I can’t help but smile wryly. After all, there is a cruel sort of irony to the whole affair; Maxim killed Rebecca to safeguard Manderley’s reputation, but her murder proved to be the first link in a chain of events that would lead to a nationwide scandal. If I close my eyes, I can still see the reporters pressed against the gates, pen and notepad in hand, clamouring to see me.

There are no reporters in my new life. They do not know where I am, and to the local ones I am of no interest. I live in a cool little cottage, painstakingly paid for with the money I earn with my drawing lessons; I have given away everything I inherited upon Maxim’s death, for I never desired his money even before it became tainted with murder and madness.

Every day is much the same, but that I don’t mind. There’s comfort in familiarity, safety in routine, and after all that we’ve lived through, Danny and I have a certain hankering for comfort. Besides, raising a child together provides plenty of challenges and excitement, we’ve found.

Dear Danny. She’s wonderfully patient with me. I fear I am not always easy to live with. For all my efforts, I’ve not been able to banish the past completely. It still inhabits and possesses a part of me, one that I can fight when awake but must succumb to in slumber, so that, at night, I walk the grounds of Manderley once more. In my dreams, the house and grounds have fallen victim to rot and ruin. The lawn has gone to seed, sickness has turned the chestnut tree into a bleached husk, and the rhododendrons have reared to the fantastic heights of fairy-tale briars. The house itself sags to the side, its walls pockmarked by sour rain, the windows dirty and broken.

But for all its neglect, it is not uninhabited. I do not talk of the birds and bats roosting in the rafters, nor of the mice living underneath the floorboards and the silverfish who slowly eat away the wallpaper.

The library, with its masculine smell of leather and smoke and newspaper ink, is his domain in death as it was in life. There, he paces up and down, up and down. All that pacing has worn the carpet to threads. Each night I must go to him. It does not matter that I am unwilling; my mind and feet betray me, and take me to him. He knows that I am coming and awaits me with impatience, smoking cigarettes in quick succession, littering the ground with ash and butts. His face, once so handsome in a peculiar, medieval way, is ruined by the shot that killed him. It turned his left eye to pulp and smashed the orbital bones to pieces so that the area around the eye is curiously dented.

There must have been no time for Maxim to realise my betrayal; the bullet bored itself into his brain, killing him instantly. The Maxim of my dreams, though, gives me an amused, cruel little smile. Then – just as my life has become routine, my dreams have, too, and so this next moment never varies – he opens his arms to me. I don’t want to, but I must step into his embrace. He pulls me close to him until my head rests against his chest, against the fabric of his tweed jacket turned sodden by blood and the jelly leaking from his burst eye.

“My little love,” he murmurs as he strokes my hair, his breath stinking of the grave, “you didn’t think you’d ever be free of me, now did you? I shall never let you go.”

It is then I wake, gasping and sobbing.

Danny aims to soothe me, kissing my face and folding her long arms around me. I cling to her so tightly it must hurt. She’s no longer as strong as she used to be. No one would be after what Maxim did to her. He damaged her left eye to the point of blindness. During the years, it has turned milky white. She has taken to wearing a velvet eyepatch over it to keep out the light, for even the flame of a candle upon her left eye can trigger a mighty headache. Even covered up it pains her, but she never complains.

She holds me well after the shaking has subsided, kissing my hair. I kiss her throat in return, her chin, her cool sweet mouth. I always hesitate when I reach the scars Maxim left on her face. He embossed her cheek with his signet ring, the M and W intertwined. Yet whenever I hesitate, she brings her mouth to my ear. “No need to be careful, Madam,” she whispers, and then I know.

I have someone in this world to call my own.

I have someone to love.