#I mean yes I did identify as a lesbian for like 2 years but I came out to like 5 people and I didn't use the word lesbian in front of

[2024skin]

Like gay sex is always gay sex and I wouldn't call it "Sapphic sex" or anything dumb like that but I have had a problem with calling myself and my relationship business gay for like a long time now

[worstqueerbaittournament]

Before you complain about the picture: I asked people to send in better pictures of Grif and Simmons and NOBODY DID

Submission message for Janis: Mean Girls  - Janis + Person who submitted Janis here. Yes, I meant the movie. The whole time it is implied she's a lesbian only for her to end up with a dude lol

Submission message for Grif and Simmons: Hi! I’m submitting Grif and Simmons from Red vs. Blue. I think they’re the worst personally because I’ve spent a third of my life being queerbaited by someone’s fucking halo ocs.

Additional propaganda: Meanwhile Janis from Mean Girls IS queerbaiting:

    She’s presented as a lesbian throughout the film

    She gets very emotionally attached to girls and tries to sabotage them after they ‘betray’ her and become more interested in boys/popularity (Regina in the past, Cady during the film)

    Proudly declares herself a “big lesbo” to half the school during her trust-fall scene

    Wears a suit to Prom and kisses her gay best friend Damien, they both show complete disgust afterwards

    But in the LITERAL LAST SCENE OF THE FILM, she’s shown dating a guy and kissing him.

((I also haven’t seen the musical yet, so I can’t comment there))

Vote Janis, she’s the only right answer.

this ain't enough information about Grif and Simmons; these two are literally the intro character for the entire series. The first conversation they had became a running joke and repeating theme to the point that, years later, it was used in a dramatic moment so Grif could identify Simmons while fight an evil look-alike. When one of them got injured, the other donated various body parts, including skin and organs, and then became a cyborg, thus having the metaphor of "becoming part of each other" and "you have my heart". They still bicker constantly and and trade insults. They've been glued at the hip for more than a decade. The one time they were split up, it was treated like a devastating divorce, with one of them using the line "I quit you". They then both proceeded to have mutual pining and emotional withdrawl from being apart because they're just THAT codependent. They've been forced to share living space, and immediately devolved into having old-married-couple situations. During a planet-wide sex party, they fooled around in a closet, everybody knows this happened, but they refuse to fully acknowledge it. The VA for Grif even plainly stated that "Grif is in love with Simmons". Simmons once mentioned that he and Grif carved their initials into a tree. When we see the "inner worlds" of their minds, Grif's is almost empty except for a tiny Simmons that runs around to annoy him, and Simmons imagines a Grif that has to do whatever he says, but STILL insults him because Grif can't stop being Grif.They had a talk show together and even called themselves their ship-name "Grimmons". They've been having one long conversation for 2 decades. They're slow-burning like a tire fire. They're married, but they'll never properly get together. IT'S BEEN 2 DECADES

Let's not forget Tucker's actually-in-the-show commentary when he's spying on them over the radio of "I've only been listening to them for five minutes but I can tell they're really in love. Why can't they see it?”

It's literally been two decades.

[queer-polls]

We did it guys, we reached 500 followers. Thank you so much for all the support and love I've received since the start of this blog in early June. I never thought that this would reach 500 followers but we did it. Thank you guys, this really means a lot to me, I love you

As announced earlier this week, I'll be doing a Q&A as a sort of special. Thank you for all your questions, I loved answering them and I hope you get to know me a little better

I'd love to know more about your journey and how you find out & accepted you were a lesbian :)

When I first heard about the LGBTQIA+ community around 5 years ago (yes, it took me a long time to find that out) when two of my friends discussed it, I thought that I was bi. It happened pretty fast, I heard about bisexuality and I thought "Hey, that sounds like me" (I have had feelings for a female friend of mine in 3rd grade and then in 5th grade for a different female friend and I thought it was platonic until I found out that one can like the same gender and I understood that those feelings weren't platonic). It started as bi with preference for guys, then it changed to bi with no preference, then I was bi with preference for girls (it might sound like a fast process but in reality, this happened across a 5 year time span) and around 4 months ago, I realized that I don't like guys at all and started identifiying as a lesbian. Since this was a really slow process for me, it wasn't hard to accept the fact that I liked guys less and less until there was no attraction left. It's still kinda hard for me because of my mom and sister that think I'm bi/pan (when I first came out as bi, they said that I am straight but I think they realizey they were wrong when I still identified as bi after 5 years) but I think it'll get better.

2. do you have a gf? if not do you want one? what would you want them to be like? <3

Sadly, no. I would love to have a girlfriend and I'll just describe my crush since she's gf material. She's nice and caring, she listens to my problems and offers advice, I love how she's getting excited about her hobbies (she usually talks faster than usual and her voice has a higher pitch, it's so fucking cute) and talking to her is really great since she actually cares about what you tell her (and she's hot but that's just the cherry on top).

3. have you ever questioned your gender?

Yes, it was a bit after I started identifiying as bi (about 4 and a half years ago) when I tried to get to know the community and that's when I found testimonials from trans people about their experiences as a trans person. Since I wasn't really like the other girls my age (all the other girls were wearing makeup, wearing dresses, listening to "girls music" and just fulfilling the overall "girls in puberty" stereotype and I hated makeup and dresses and was listening to music classified as "boys music"), I started questioning if I might be a trans guy. When reading those testimonials, I noticed trans guys and a lot of nonbinary people were feeling dysphoric because of their breasts and curves, which definitely wasn't the case for me. I also tried imagining how it would be if I came out as trans or nonbinary and I found out that I actually am pretty happy as a girl despite being different than the others.

4. did you ever question or think you were another identity before realising you are a lesbian?

Yeah, I thought I was bi for 5 years before I realizing I'm actually a lesbian. Bi was the only other label I've ever used and I've never questioned if I might be another identity before identifiying as a lesbian.

5. have you thought about using the intersex-inclusive version(s) of the progress flag for the blog avatar & banner?

Yes, and I might change it later. I didn't pick this version of the flag because the version I'm using is my favorite.

6. How many polls are okay to send at one time?

As many as you want, I'll usually post requested polls as fast a possible but if you're sending like 10 polls, it might take a while till they're all posten

7. do you have any queer idols/inspirations? do you have a favorite lgbtq+ book?do you have a favorite lgbtq+ movie or tv show?

My three queer idols are Billie Joe Armstrong (singer of Green Day), Freddie Mercury (singer of Queen) and Rob Halford (singer of Judas Priest). My favorite lgbtq+ book is "Boyfriend Material" by Alexis Hall and I don't really have a favorite lgbtq+ tv show or movie because I don't like the way lgbtq+ characters are portrayed on for example Netflix, it just doesn't feel right.

8. do you like cheese? If so, what’s your favourite cheese?

I love cheese. My favorite cheese is called "Biergartenkäse" ("Biergarten" is what Germans call the garden or just generally outside area of a restaurant that serves typically German food and "Käse" is just the German word for cheese) and yes, this is the most Bavarian Cheese to ever exist.

9. how would you describe your fashion/style and your aesthetic?

I usually wear dark (mostly black) clothes because I hate colored clothes (but I love socks in all different colors) and I wear way too many rings and necklaces (one of the necklaces has a really cool skull pendant and the other has a satanic symbol, I wear the second necklace to annoy people, I'm not really satanic). I'd also like to have a tongue and nose piercing, a few more earrings and a huge amount of tattoos but I'm a little scared that something is going wrong and do some serious damage to my body.

10. do you have any pets? <3

Yes, I have three cats, I might post some pictures if I've got cute ones.

11. I was wondering if you felt okay sharing your coming out story (if you're out irl) and how people reacted.

When I outed myself to my sister as bi she was like "Okay? I don't care" and when I told her that I had a crush on this girl from school, she kept hinting at it when we were eating dinner with our mom until my mom asked what she meant and I had to tell her. Her reaction was basically the same as my sister's but with the additional "you'll grow out of this phase" tone. I never officially outed myself to my dad cause he can be very homophobic but I've said "I'm gay" or similar things in his presence, so he might know. My grandparents know that I like girls because my grandma asked if I liked a guy and I told her I liked a girl and they were really chill about it. I'm officially out as a lesbian to my sister, my mom and my other grandma and it was basically the same as my mom's reaction to my bi outing. All of my friends are gay in some way, so all of them expected it or weren't too surprised.

12. your favourite: colour, tv show, movie, musician & animal :)

My favorite colors are a dark shade of purple, a dark shade of blue and black, Stranger Things is my favorite tv show, the best movie to ever exist is The Mummy (1999), my favorite band is Metallica (if you mean solo artist, it's either Ozzy Osbourne or Alice Cooper) and cats are the best animals.

13. what's your favourite food? :)

My favorite food is pizza and a typically German dish called "Currywurst".

14. What do you do for a living? If you’re in school, what are you studying?

I'm still in school and I'm looking into studying engineering at university after I've graduated.

15. Who’s your pick to win the Bundesliga next season?

FC Bayern cause I gotta support my fellow Bavarians.

16. Do you think the winner of the Euro deserved to win?

Spain was pretty good but I don't like the fact that they've won since they cheated in the game against Germany.

17. Do you support any football teams?(non-american football, like Bayern or Bochum)

Yes, definitely FC Bayern cause I love my Bavarians.

18. What is your favorite ask?

It's hard to pick because all were a joy answering but if I had to pick either 1 or 3.

19. How long do you plan to keep running this account?

As long as I have time and enjoy doing it (as of now, it'll definitely be at least a few months). I might take a break if I need it but I don't think that this blog will be inactive in the near future.

20. Will you invite other people onto this account or not (and why?)?

That depends on the person I'm inviting and the occasion that I'd be inviting them for. It would be someone I trust (I don't want anyone to do stuff with my account when I'm not 100% sure that they're not gonna fuck things up) and they should know something about the topic (Spreading fake news has always bothered me, so no, thank you), otherwise I wouldn't invite them. As of now, I'm not inviting anyone soon.

21. Favorite coming out story?

I've once read this story about a girl going to her brother to tell him that she likes girls and he says "ew, you actually like girls?" and then the girl asks if he's gay and he responds with "Do you think I dress like this for fun?". I don't remember where I found it but I think it's great.

22. Any question youve wanted to do but no one has asked for it?

Yes, I was waiting for someone to ask for my favorite song(s) but no one did. I'm still answering it because why not. My top 3 songs are Overlord by Lamb of God, Us against the World by Killswitch Engage and Scream with me by Mudvayne.

23. Do you plan to post just polls or most stuff (like informational posts, or reblogs?)

Maybe, I haven't really thought about it. I wanted to make a poll blog because I love answering polls, so I thought it might be fun but if there's an oppurtunity, then I might do something different.

24. Have you been to a Pride Event?

Sadly, no. Most of them are too far away and I'd have to take a friend with me because I hate going to places with lots of people all by myself. I'm definitely going to one in the future cause I'm sure it's a great experience.

25. Opinión on relationship anarchy and/or unconventional relationship styles?

As long as it's healthy for all partners and everything is consensual and no one is pressured to do anything, I'm cool with it.

26. Most of all, how has your day been? :3

Exhausting, who would have thought that kindergarten children are so annoying and energy-draining? I really hate kids and this stupid practicum is not doing anything to change that, in fact, it's making me hate kids even more.

That's it guys. Pretty long post but it was fun answering your questions. I hope I haven't forgotten anyone, if I have, please tell me, then I'll edit this post.

[lesbonym]

okay so I have a few questions if that’s okay? 😅

~ what’s the difference between masc and butch?

~ I met this girl on hinge last year and she made such a big deal over the fact that i basically knew nothing 🥹 she laughed at me at first and then she started explaining the “types” of lesbians?? I was so confused, she started by trying to explain what a U-haul lesbian was and got then never explained anything else??? would she have meant “types” as in like, femme, masc, butch, pillow princess etc terms like that?

~ also I’m really worried because most of the community goes on about how lesbian relationships go really fast… and I’m worried because I don’t know if anyone is gonna want me or want to deal with me, you know? Or be bothered with taking it slow because (Really exposing myself here,) but I’ve never been in a relationship. Never held hands, never kissed anyone, still a virgin. So most I know is from ppl around me, movies and fanfiction- PROBABLY NOT THE MOST RELIABLE SOURCE OF INFORMATION?!

sorry if this is really long idk, I’m gonna be 19 in a month and I just feel that people are gonna treat me differently… but not in a good way if that makes sense?

🕷️

It's okay, baby. I'm glad you are asking. I might not give perfect answers to these so I would also check comments or reblogs for other answers! I'll also try to link some good articles I found and I recommend people tag some good blogs that fall under these categories. Questions are under the line cause this is a bit long lol

1. Okay, I'm definitely not butch but I hope I can answer some questions. Butch is an important part of lesbian culture that's often viewed as a masculine protector, it's an identity. "Masc," means masculine and can be more viewed as the aesthetic or how someone looks. There's another term called "Stud," which refers to masculine POC (Black, indigenous, Hispanic, etc.) lesbians, and white masculine lesbians can not identify with this identity. But not every POC masculine lesbian will identify with Stud. All of these identities are equally valid and wonderful alongside Femme.

It's always important to just ask what a lesbian identifies and what it might mean to them. (Again anyone can come and add more info to this or correct me on any info.)

Article written by Stud lesbian

Butch blogs I recommend that I follow: @butchxdaddy @daddyisatitlenotagender @wanderingbutch (I need more studs to follow, please recommend some)

2. That girl should not be laughing at you and I'm sorry she did that. "U-Haul" lesbian isn't even really a type of lesbian, it's a stereotype that lesbian tend to move in together quickly. People are all learning many things at different times and you making an effort to learn is what matters. And yes, there's many labels that lesbians can fall under, but don't have to. Types or labels could include butch, femme, stud, and masc, though I personally view pillow princess as more as a sexual term, but I might be wrong about that.

3. Sadly, there's a lot of hate towards lesbians even in the community (POC and masc lesbians especially). Many lesbians are viewed in the stereotype of always moving quickly, moving in and moving on. My own personal relationship is slow moving, a decision mutually agreed upon. I would definitely say that while fanfic and movies is an okay starting place, I learned much more by talking to other people on tumblr, finding posts and articles. You could probably try to find some good educational videos to learn more. That was a lot but I want to say that it's okay to ask questions and to never feel afraid to not know something if you just don't know. You should be allowed to take it slow and anyone that doesn't respect that is an ass. People that laugh at you (maliciously) or make you feel dumb are not good for you. While they aren't obligated to educate you, I think it's important to help baby gays <3

[just-a-random-aroace]

Okay, alright, I don't know who needs to hear this, but I have to say this, and this is coming from an aro ace genderqueer person.

Telling kids gay people exist is VERY DIFFERENT than teaching kids s*xual content. If teaching bunch of kids young as 7-8 years old (like they did in my school, yes I live in the USA) highly explicit disturbing heterosexual content (that's probably why the lady told us to never talk about what happens in that class to anyone not even our parents ever) then telling those same kids about homosexuality shouldn't be any different in the slightest.

"Kids can't have a sexuality or a romantic orientation", I'll admit I do 100% agree with that statement.

Straight and Gay or romantic concepts in general are not understood the same way to a child as to an adult, a gay/lesbian adult when they were a child could have had "crushes" on someone of the opposite gender because they didn't understand what romantic love actually is, also it could be the result of heteronormative ideals making them mistake it for a crush, not until they are older and understand what it actually means to have romantic attraction to someone may the gay/lesbian person realize they were actually gay/lesbian.

The same can go the other way as well, a straight person when they were a child could have had "crushes" on the same gender because they didn't understand the concept of romantic attraction, and only realized it until they are older.

Aro and/or Ace adults during childhood could have had "crushes" on other kids not until they learn what romantic love actually is or what crushes actually are would they be able to understand that they are Aro/Ace.

HOWEVER, a gay/lesbian adult could have had same gender crushes during childhood, though this doesn't necessarily mean that they are gay/lesbian in the same way as an them as an adult or any gay/lesbian adult would be, but neither does it make their identity any less valid.

Heterosexuality and Homosexuality shouldn't be forced on children, but telling kids that not all women love men or not all men love women is perfectly fine. Telling kids that not all people are male or female, whether that's because they are Intersex (biological) or Non-Binary (Gender), helps kids learn about people who are different from them and perhaps even themselves.

I do believe Trans kids exist but ARE NOT the same as a transgender adults, Trans kids should be supported, love and accepted by their parents just like any other child should, I do agree they SHOULDN'T be allowed to have permanent/surgical transitions, but ABSOLUTELY should be allowed to explore interests, cross-dress, take hormone blockers, socially transition but NOTHING that is NOT reversable.

As children do not have the same understanding of these concepts as much as a mature adult would, they could grow up to be transgender as much as they can just grow up to be just a Tomboy/Janegirl and not transgender, they could also grow up to be non-binary. (whether or not you consider non-binary to count as transgender or something else, is up for debate and I hold no side in the matter as believe it's up to whether the non-binary individual conciders themselves as transgender) , but it should NEVER make it valid or right to EVER harm and punish your child for being different or push your child into being someone they are not, you should support and love your trans child no matter if they continue to identify as transgender or not regardless of age.

Gender has nothing to do with biology because it's something society has created, like money, politics and religion, (not war and sl*very because ants also practice warfare and sl*very believe it or not.).

a [woman/man] (sex) can be defined as "an adult [female(XX) / male(XY) human]", clearly referring to 2 out of multiple chromosome combinations in humans.

a [woman/man] (gender) can be defined as "a person who identifies and associated themselves with the traits that are socially seen and personality behaviors that society typically associated with a [female/male]". Clearly referring to a social construct created by humanity and not dependent on chromosomal combinations (XX, XY, X, XXY, XXYY, XYY, ect.)

I am NOT SAYING Biological sex is binary at ALL, biological sex is FAR from being binary, any biologist can tell you that, I am saying that telling kids gay/lesbian and transgender people exist is no different than telling kids that straight cisgender people exist.

Telling kids that not everyone is the same religion, not everyone thinks the same, not everyone is neurotypical, not everyone acts the same, not everyone is abled bodied, not everyone has the same culture, not everyone is the same race as you, not everyone is the same, is vital to raising children to love and respect other people as the grow up.

telling children that some girls like girls, some boys like boys, some girls/boys don't like boys nor girls or some boys/girls like both boys/girls, and some people aren't boys nor girls, is no different.

You don't have to agree with anyone to respect and love anyone.

Support and love your children and your fellow neighbor.

[orhelponefaintingrobin]

Musings on Bumbleby

Big RWBY Spoilers under the cut, big enough that I'm putting a full spoiler cut here.

They actually did it.

I didn't expect this to, like, mean something to me. I expected it to happen, I expected it to be something I was glad to see, but I didn't expect to feel like this about it. And I certainly didn't expect to tear up over it.

The thing is, go back to a few years back, pre-Volume 3, I was not a fandom person. In fact, I was always a bit dismissive about fandom. Now, was some of that the reality that the only person I knew involved in fan stuff was into Dan & Phil RPF and was that my introduction to the concept of fanfiction, yes. But I entirely lacked nuance and dismissed basically the concept of being that into something, and was at a lot of times very shitty about the concept.

And then, just at the end of Volume 2, I started watching RWBY on the recommendation of a friend, enjoyed it a lot, and, having started to dip my toes into Tumblr anyway, had a glance through the tags. Eventually, I came to the first Bumbleby content I found, and for some reason it all started making sense. I saw it, in a way I hadn't really before, and more, I actually got invested in it. I enjoyed seeing fanart of them, I enjoyed reading meta about it, I cared. It was the first time I understood shipping especially, but really fan content in general.

It was weird, though. Why was this the one. I definitely had some... shame is perhaps the wrong word, but I definitely thought it was wrong in some way, being someone who at that point still identified as male and getting this into a wlw ship. It felt like I was engaging with something I didn't have a right to, I worried about fetishising wlw relationships, all of that. But I did care. I cared a lot. I cared enough that the most emotionally resonant and shocking part of V3 was Yang losing her arm and Blake's reaction to that, I cared when they reunited in V5, I cared. Whether I had a right to or not.

As it turns out, I had a right to the whole time. I wasn't some outsider looking in from outside of 'their' community. I'm not saying that Bumbleby helped me realise I was queer, or trans, or a lesbian, not on its own. But starting to engage with queer content in general certainly did, and it was this ship that started me on that path.

I'm a fan of letting artists tell the story they intend, I'm never going to get overly angry if a story doesn't go the way I think it 'should'. But god, I would have been so disappointed if this dynamic was all in my head. Obviously, those fears dulled over the years, it's been pretty certain that this is where Blake and Yang have been headed since at least V6.

But, after all these years, seeing these two finally reach this point, seeing all of it pay off, with no ambiguity, no interruptions, no metaphor... it sort of validates everything. I was right, and they are in love, and despite the fact that they are fictional characters I find myself so, so happy for both of them. And, at a point, I didn't think that was something I was capable of saying.

[alatismeni-theitsa]

Coming out story time, Γρεεκ edition. With a plot twist. Sorry for the long ass rant I just didn't know who else to tell my story who would get both the Greek Thinking TM and also be accepting of queer ppl.

Apologies for crude language (i think)?? I cannot describe it in a way that's as eloquent and beautiful as I want.

A. Μαμά.

I came out to my mother descriptively, because I knew if I said a Big Gay Word she'd instantly connect it to what she associates with Gay stuff, and I wanted to get her honest reaction, not what she thinks her reaction should be. And also because I Do Not Know what exactly I am (out of the whole LGBT alphabet, I could be Gay/Les, I could be Bi, I could maybe sort of kinda be trans but I do identify with womanhood in the Greek TM way so I don't think I can call myself NB? Anyway whatever, labels don't matter to me and only make me feel weird when applied to me), so there's that.

Specifically I said "Ma, I'm not only attracted to boys." Because that's the best I can describe my hauntingly persistent bisexuality as haha.

After the initial confusion, the first question she asked was "so you'd want to have sex with a woman?" A question I chose not to answer, one because Μαμά τι στο καλό θες να σου πω τώρα :/ and also because the answer is neither no or yes. It goes beyond just Mm Yes Pussy Nice for me. Reducing it to just that is making my skin crawl just as much as Mm Yes Dick Nice. That's dehumanising for me, I'm sorry. :/ My answer was literally "δεν ξέρω/δεν απαντώ" lmao.

And?? She may have accidentally come out to me too??? Without realising it?????

Because she said three things:

1. "Oh, when I was at your age I went through this phase as well." Which??????????? What does it mean if not the think I'm thinking of??? Ma have you really been in denial/the closet for 50 years?

2. "I was fiercely defensive of gay people when I was younger." Which, YES. As you should μαμά. Only it has created this haunting fear in me that in 30 years time, with "experience", I'll change too and I'll go against my gay brothers and sisters as Ορθοδοξία seems to want. Which I won't. I hope. I can only hope my heart won't change, even if I marry a guy and go ahead and have children of my own. Like... it doesn't make sense, HOW did she change her mind in the first place??? How does that happen to someone? Will it happen to me too?

3. "It's okay, I love you for who you are." In the end, all is good. Even if she thinks she's a phase that I'll grow out of, and probably would not allow me to think about dating/settling with another woman, she's not cutting me out of the will! She still loves me!! It's a win for me. :D

Also she approves of cute gender neutral nicknames because she's always called me that. Like: το ζουζουνάκι, το μαρουδάκι (εννοώντας πασχαλίτσα🐞), το κουφετάκι, κτλ.

I really love her little habits I'm sorry. :')

B. Αδερφούλα

I'll keep it brief because there's not as much to say. She's younger than me so she used to have a very much "oh ew wtf" reaction.

But recently?? She's been treating it like an inside joke??? Like, refering to me as "το τέρας" ή "το αρνί" because she knows I love being affectionately/jokingly called an "it". Also making gay jokes in rare occasions, which I love.

She's a little insecure about being perceived as Λεσβία for her fashion sense, and I regularly assure her that she can wear whatever makes her feel good and not worry about how others see her. Can she rock a γυναικείο κουστούμι like a boss? Fuck yea. Does that mean she's a lesbian just because she looks masculine and pretty at the same time? Fuck no, you do you boo. I know how much you like dressing like this. Nobody's opinion can take it away. And lesbians are not Bad either, so she has a lot to unpack in the future. But I'm still very proud of her and how far she's come since I first told her (long before mom actually) and I absolutely love her to death.

Also she called me a bottom. Shame on her. Gah, siblings.

Honorary entries:

C. Dad

I have yet to come out to him because he often ridicules openly queer people on TV. Like, οικογενειακά watching Eurovision the Maneskin year (every year really) was both hilarious and terrifying.

But, like?? He's also lowkey kinda Bi too in a repressed way? In the way that he's loyal to the woman he married but also making strong bromances when given the chance? It's so funny to me, because he has such a soft and fond expression when talking about friends he has sort of trauma-bonded with (term used loosely, but you know how Dads are).

I could also be just tripping and trying to seek comradeship where there's none because Parents are the ones a child seeks to relate to, but I'd rather not psychoanalyse me rn.

D. Granny

Also can I just talk about Passive Acceptance. Because granny (without knowing about my identity) sometimes refers to me and my sister as παλικάρι in a Gender Neutral sense ("δεν είναι μόνο τα αγόρια παλικάρια" she says. granny is a feminist icon without even trying to be. slay.) and it makes my woman-in-a-vague-sense-i-guess(?) heart do the little proud flutter thing.

Also does it make sense to be a non-binary when it comes to speaking English but sort of a woman (actually yes a woman but also yes and no at the same time because I look and act really soft cheery and feminine but I'm mentally also a τέρας από την άβυσσο και τα τάρταρα :D) when speaking Greek??? It's so confusing, how can I perceive gender in two entirely different ways at the same time what the everloving fuck. What AM I...??

Again, sorry for the jumbled thoughts, my last three braincells are busy rn χορεύing Καλαματιανό.

Γειαα! Παιδια με σκλαβωνετε με τα μηνυματα σας τελευταια 💗 Ειλικρινα χαιρομαι παρα πολυ που εχω εστω και λιγο την εμπιστοσυνη σας - εγω μια ξενη στο ιντερνετ - και μου λετε τις σκεψεις και τις ιστοριες σας! Το εκτιμω παρα πολυ!

Να ξερετε οτι ακομα και αν τυχον διαφωνουμε σε καποια πραγματα, μπορειτε να μου στελνετε μηνυματα. Γιατι ποτε δε θα διαφωνησω με το δικαιωμα καποιου να ζει με ασφαλεια και να ειναι ο εαυτος του (το οποιο ειναι ανθρωπινο δικαιωμα ουτως ή αλλως)

Επισης: Δημοσιευω το μηνυμα επειδη δεν υπηρχε καποια δηλωση που ελεγε να μην το κανω. Αν καποιος ομως θελει να μη δημοσιευσω καποιο μηνυμα ή να διαγραψω καποιο μηνυμα, ας μου το πει, δεν υπαρχει θεμα!

Οκ switching off to English!

The whole experience is So Greek, damn! Starting with Mother, telling her Descriptively, her saying that she also liked women "one time", then considering that something is off with Dad as well, then mentioning the accidentally supportive Grandma who gives no shits... Πρεπει να εχουμε ενα σχετικο επεισοδιο στις Οικογενειακές Ιστορίες ετσι για την ταυτιση των τηλεθεατων.

Also, just because I am a nosy dramatic bitch, I would DEFINITELY bring back this conversation if this was my mum, and I would tell her "You know that you like women too, right? You can't just... lose attraction for a whole gender overnight. And they also say that sexual orientation is genetic......" Just to see her reaction and try to convince her 😂 (Don't attempt if you think it won't go well for you! 😅)

I'm really happy about how you handled things with your sis! Being perceived as a lesbian is nothing bad because lesbians are nothing bad! She can rock whatever she wants, like you said! There are lesbians out there who dress like "everyone else", meaning that clothes can potentially be a hint but you can never tell just by the clothes. She has a lot to unpack indeed but with more teaching moments by you, I'm sure she's in good hands.

Oooooh that Dad case! I have a theory here, knowing Greek dads. Perhaps he will be more supportive than you think. Not just because of the things you mentioned, but because he loves you and supports you as his child (from what I read). Greek dads can be ride or die, especially with their daughters. So, if you are confident enough when you tell him, if you look logical and self-aware, he actually might back you up and he might be the most supportive! Parents often dismiss their children because they believe that children are doing it for attention, or because of a whim. Greek dads, I've noticed, want things to be told to them with huuuge neon letters, otherwise they don't act on the situation.

For example, you can be like "Dad, I want to tell you something. (diretor hint: play it sad and worried here, he might feel the need to be protective instead of defensive) I like women too, and I have been feeling it for a long time. I didn't feel it because someone else "indoctrinated" me to it. It's a natural feeling to me. It is not a phase. I cannot switch it on and off like it's a hall light. Most importantly, this is not dangerous for me. I know that you might be concerned and we can talk about it. I just want you to know because this is an important part of who I am."

-- Again, assess the situation accordingly. You definitely don't have to do anything I suggest. And you can make the dialogue more or less cheesy :P In any case, when you talk to him keep in mind that he's an older man who grew up in specific decades and you have to make an effort to set things his way otherwise things will be lost in translation and neither of you will notice.

That's how I got an old aunt to support me. 😂This aunt was the type that says "A woman liking another woman?? Ιησούς Χριστός!!" I noticed what things she valued most (being your own person, having fun in life, not allowing anyone to step on you) and I built my case by telling her that the way I live at the moment gives me all these advantages. I also matched her tone, and I tried to see things from her side, which eventually helped guide her to the mindset I wanted to introduce her to. Sometimes many conversations and subtle hints are needed for this guidance. And they also need to like you because the Greek statement "το δικο μας το παιδι ποτε δεν κανει κατι κακο! το δικο μας το παιδι ειναι χρυσο!" will usually prevail over "A woman liking another woman?? Ιησούς Χριστός!!" 😂

What's more, some parents of queer kids already know what their kids are. They just don't say anything out of fear they will encourage this behaviour. Meanwhile the kids get stressed for decades about how the parents will react, and when they finally come out the parents, the parents are like "eh... we already knew, to be honest. We've been watching you hug and kiss girls since you were like... six. We just hoped that you'd grow out of it, that's why we didn't bring it up. We didn't want you to grow up into a behaviour that would separate you from other kids cause they would bully you and harm you."

The grandma is TOP, by the way! I feel like many older people really know what's important in life. The thought of two women getting married might never be palatable to her but she knows that alienating family members for harmless shit is not where it's at. I love her already!

On the "It's so confusing, how can I perceive gender in two entirely different ways at the same time what the everloving fuck. What AM I…??"

It is a fact that people slightly switch personalities when switching languages. English is a more polite, careful, and tip-toeing language, while in Greece malakas is a word of love if said to your friend 😂 And it's true that cultures perceive gender in different ways. So if you switch to US English and get into their mindset, they have another version of femininity. (Well, the whole country is diverse but I'm talking about the generic, permeating WASP stereotype of the preferred femininity in the US media)

I switch behavior in English too and sometimes I find that I'm more polite and "more feminine" there, which for me... eeeh not my style so much. (English makes us dysphoric, pass it down 😂😂😂😂)

Which brings me to another discussion. I am not nonbinary so I won't want to speculate on what nonbinary is and how it feels. Instead I will speak about a phenomenon sometimes seen in women, who, (sometimes!) need to be seen as a person (who deserves full respect) and not "just a woman" they take up the nonbinary label. Being a woman (or a man) comes with certain expectations and baggage and sometimes as a woman (or as a man) you can totally feel like "fuck it, I want to opt out" or "I already don't do these things and I don't want to ever do them or feel them, so I guess am actually not a woman/man".

I want to stress again that I don't imply non-binary people are this. And I'm not saying that's you. I'm just leaving this out there because it's very harmful when society makes you feel like "failing" at your gender and telling you "you are not a real man/woman because you don't do the X stereotypes", and some people fall for it want to "opt out" of their gender without realizing that in the process they're following the logic of... binaries.

Whatever you identify as should come from the inside, not from what society tells you a woman should be. Because, as you noticed, the Greek and the US society have different notions of what a woman "should be". Heck, you might move to Sweden and find out that out there you feel like Barbie while in Greece you may feel like Babis doing the exact same things😂 Don't rely on society and stereotypes, my humble opinion is. Rely on yourself. And it's okay if you don't have a definitive answer to "what you are". Just live and present as you are most comfortable.

One more thought that I have, which you can also take or leave, is about the sexuality part. I'm not family or a friend, and I don't know you well. I'm not an authority and I don't think my words are scripture. My speculation could perhaps help your brain cells stop χορεύειν τσάμικον γύρω απ τη φωτιά στο δάσος 😂

Sooo... have you considered asexuality?

Heeeaaar me out. Your confusion seems a bit similar to that of people who are asexual but don't know it yet. First of all, there's a difference between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction. Asexuals usually start thinking they are gay or bi because their sexual attraction to men and women is the same. Zero. 0 = 0 after all 😂

At the same time, asexuals can often feel "off" in their gender and gender expression because automatically they don't subscribe to amatonormative rules and hence, they don't subscribe to gender rules.

An asexual can still have aesthetic attraction to people (just not sexual) and want a romantic relationship. An asexual can have aesthetic attraction to only one gender or many. There's a whole spectrum in asexuality, and there are ace identities like the aegosexuals who are actually not sex repulsed. They are interested in sex as an idea, but they just don't experience sexual attraction for people in real life. (Imagine it like, you like watching football for the rush and the technique, but there's nooo way you want to go down on the field and start kicking a ball.)

Their relationships with their significant others are often "queerplatonic" because the way they perceive gender and companionship (that is not friendship) is queer compared to the rest of society.

I thought about this cause you mentioned the "hauntingly persistent bisexuality", and also because usually the answer to "so you wanna fuck women?" is "eh…yes??" if you are attracted to women in the usual way xD But of course, it might be just your character, that you don't want to focus on sex despite having sexual attraction, and, as you said avoid "dehumanizing" the other. So again, my speculation might be wrong. If you know you are sexually attracted to people, and if you don't have to ask "what is sexual attraction tho?" then that's probably not it😄

Okay, I rambled for too long again but I hope this message has helped you at least in one way. Know that you are already slaying out there and you WILL CONTINUE to slay because you're a cool and kind person with great self-reflection skills.

=================================

Generic message: If my posts have helped you in any way consider buying me a ko-fi 💖

[bartletslesbians]

any of 1, 2, 19, 20 (they’re v similar so please feel free to answer them together/ pick whichever you want to answer!!)

Femslash Shipping Questions!

Thank you for these!! and omg this got a little more personal than I was expecting lmao here you go

1/2: What was the first time you encountered canon/fanon femslash? How old were you? How did it make you feel?

Canon wise, I was a Pretty Little Liars girly. I was SO in love with Emily Fields and her girlfriends, and 10/11 year old me was smitten. Even then, it never occurred to me to seek out more content online? I was reading PLL fanfiction, but it was all ezria (Ezra Fitz/Aria Montgomery, a teacher/student thing that I thought was so romantic). I didn't actually see much fan content around wlw except some background ships in the drarry fanfic I read. I took a step into femslash fandom when I added past Narcissa/Lily to my lucissa fics at.. 14? but never really engaged much with other wlw content bc it made me feel Weird (even though I identified as bi at the time and was fine with that, the internalised homophobia was Strong) and I hated lesbian headcanons for a long time... not a good time. Then around 17 or so I found Extinction by @rubikanon which got me into cissamione overnight, and I think that is really what jumpstarted my love for femslash as a fandom section?? But even then, it's taken a while from then until the time I started really writing femslash fic regularly.

I'm about to turn 22 now, and I love femslash fandom with all my heart. But I'd say it's honestly really been the last? two years? That I've also let myself enjoy that wholeheartedly without feeling icky or ashamed around it. It's been a blast.

19: Thoughts about lesbian tragedy and bad endings?

Okay so I know that as a general trend, they're bad. I know the history of them, and I do very much oppose the idea that in order to tell an interesting lesbian story, the lesbians gotta die and be miserable. I wish we had more content where we lived and weren't hidden away while married to men, you know, absolutely. In terms of mass media, 100%.

That said.

I love it.

I love tragedy, I love tear-jerk stories where people die and can't be together, I love forbidden love, I love stories with infidelity. I love it regardless of if it's femslash or not. I think here though, my condition is that I love these stories, if they're about queer women being miserable, I want them told by queer women. Let us indulge in the stories of our own suffering when it's not a condition for our stories to exist in the first place.

Yes, mass media telling us our stories are worth telling only if we die, terrible and should not be a thing, I hate it. But god do I love a good tragedy.

20: Thoughts about (purely fictional!) lesbian unhealthy relationships?

All in favour of this, honestly. A lot of the femslash I personally write is actually quite wholesome compared to other ships I write? And I think part of it is that I'm legit kinda scared to indulge in darker content with femslash bc it feels like there's this Thing around femslash that it's supposed to be cute and wholesome to offset the mean evil dyke stereotypes around wlw. The darkest I get between women is a consensual age gap, whereas with ships like Sirius/Narcissa, I love exploring how genuinely fucked up a relationship can be. I'm more hesitant to do that with femslash, even though there's plenty of ships it could work for.

I like to read darker femslash, though, and I love the authors providing us with it. Maybe one day I'll actually be comfortable enough to let my sapphic characters be less than good and sad-at-worst.

[the-feminist-philosopher]

I honestly think that trans-exclusionaries and rad fems are fundamentally misunderstanding something: what detransitioning is actually defined as.

I see a lot of them self-report being "detransed gnc women."

And I've taken them at their word that they detransitioned after having identified, previously, as a trans man. I have taken them at their word and believed their experience because I believe we should normalize exploring identity. If it doesn't work, that's okay.

Only... for them to tell me that they never "believed" they were a man, only that someone, at some point in their youth told them the common lesbophobic/homophobic/misogynistic refrain that women who dress "masculine" (i.e. not explicitly "feminine" or not according to precise standards of presentation) are "mannish lesbians" even if 1.) they aren't a lesbian, or 2.) their presentation is pretty... run of the mill, or standard.

And I want to ask: "Did a trans person tell you this, or was it your Catholic Aunt?" Because I used to get told that all the time, but by Christian Conservatives. Given that trans adults make up less than 1% of the population and 9 in 10 people do not personally know a trans person, I didn't meet someone who rejected the gender-sex binary until University. Most of us never actually meet a trans person to tell us something as asinine as, "Dressing 'masculine' makes you mannish and gay." And since actually meeting trans and gender queer people, I have never, ever met anyone in the community who'd believe that. Does that mean it's not possible? No. I understand how fallacies work. Is it still rare/uncommon? Yes.

The prefix "de-" means "from," "off" or "away from." Detransition means, well, to move away from transitioning. But they often say they're "de-transed," and based on the way many of them are using it, I don't know if they're telling us they moved away from transitioning or moved away from accepting what they call the "trans ideology."

Because one refers to the cessation or reversal of a transgender identification or gender transition, and it's something most commonly done on a temporary basis. But it seems some of them are using it to refer to a cessation in the belief of what they think is an ideology.

The first definition is the correct use for that term. A synonym is "desisted." The second use is, well, incorrect.

Nevertheless, I've seen several of them use "de-transed" in the context that many of them also use "peaked." For example: "I de-transed after years of buying into that ideology because this one kid told me they're pan because they don't have a gender preference." Or... "I de-transed after realizing that being gnc or a tom-boy doesn't make me less of a woman."

And these sentences are confusing. In context, detransition makes little sense to use in these examples.

It's like: So, you're telling me that you identified as a man and now are a woman because someone told you that they're pan? Or, you're telling me that you identified as a man and now are a woman because... dressing in a non-conforming way makes you no less a woman? (And that last one is a: "no shit." The way you dress is not what makes your sense of self or the way you conceptualize yourself. Trans people accept that.)

And the answer has been, so far, some variation of: "I never identified as a man" or "I'd never voluntarily become a male 🤢" or "I am a woman because I am an adult, human female."

So... you were never trans?

And then you get accused of pulling a "no-true Scottsman" fallacy right before someone jumps on your post to, for the 567th time, tell you you're in a cult because you shun former "believers" as never having been "true believers."

Which leaves me confused because... even if you accept their premise that people "erroneously believe" in their identity, because they- the TERFs- think identity and the way we conceptualize who we are must align with sex, you still have to have previously "believed" that you were the opposite gender/sex; that you were trans, to be "desisted."

Which leads me to assume they're intentionally not using the term correctly. (Are there those on here who do use the term correctly? Yes. Am I talking about them right now? No.)

This is only driven home when they claim, "our butches/tomboys are being transed" even when you direct them to studies that show the social contagion myth is just that: a myth.

But they still believe, despite the evidence presented and despite the sheer statistical improbability (near impossibility), that there is a disproportionate and exponential increase in FtM transitioning because kids are being brainwashed by "gender ideology." Even though there has been a decrease in the number of trans and gender diverse youth. These individuals number at about 1.6% of the population, making it statistically improbable that all the tomboys and all the butches are transitioning into men.

And when I asked, these specific TERFs didn't believe that the girls in question actually "believe" they're men, only that they're being told they are. By who? "Trans people." Which trans people? "Trans people and doctors." WHICH ONES? "I saw someone online say that maybe these gnc girls are actually male."

So maybe not a trans person? Maybe someone like my Catholic Aunt? Because... who is this nebulous "someone"?

And they'll hit you with another "no true Scotsman" accusation.

And then they wonder whether they'd have been "transed" today as a tomboy yesterday. And you ask what that means and it inevitably bottles down to believing that they would have potentially been "inducted" into "gender-ideology," "pressured" into believing that trans people are "real and legitimate," and "bought" into the "trans-cult."

Which, again, brings me back to my first conclusion. They don't believe being trans is an identity, but an ideology or paradigm like feminism is or conservatism is or Marxism is. So, some of them are using "transed" to just mean someone who believes trans identities are legitimate. They're using it in the same way they use "peaked."

Are some of them actually rejecting the data you provide them with because they insist on believing, despite the facts, that some nebulous "someone" is pressuring kids to transition? Yes. But so many are honestly misunderstanding or intentionally misusing "detransition."

And many more are assuming that everyone behaves and thinks like they do and, when provided the same "evidence," reasons the same way, deduces the same way, and will come to the same conclusions. That's why kids need to be "pressured" into believing trans people are "real." Trans-rights must be a cult because otherwise everyone would come to the same conclusions they did about trans people. Someone must be brainwashing children because they're more accepting of trans people and more likely to reject the idea that people must hinge their sense-of self or conceptualization of themselves on their sex, especially in a way that aligns with the gender-sex binary. Even if the child is cis, they've been "transed" and tricked into believing that presentation = identity.

And all of that is incorrect.

[wolf-queer-discourse]

Adventures in Aphobia #2

It is absolutely tragic that I’m already adding to Adventures in Aphobia, but here we are again! Let’s get a look at the phenomenal post I will be addressing.

Hope you enjoyed reading that as much as I did. You know, the biggest joke of this whole post is the poster thinking ace people feel comfortable on Tumblr. I promise you they do not XD.

It’s funny how when queer sub-groups complain about bigotry faced from the broader community (this happens a LOT with bi and ace people, but I’ve seen it happen to trans people too), the bigoted queer people immediately call YOU the bigot because they’re actually more oppressed than you, which means they get to say whatever they want. I’m not going to even entertain the oppression olympics on this one.

The answer as to who’s more oppressed always boils down to: it depends, in what way, and why does this matter?

There are a TON of transphobic gay people who throw their hands up when they get called out for their behavior and decry, “But I’m gay! You’re not oppressed for thinking you’re a boy!!”

And honestly, some aphobes do want ace people dead, and not all homophobes want gay people dead. Why are ace people one of the only groups in the queer community who has to personally confess to almost being murdered, disowned, r*ped and stabbed all in the same day to have any of their struggles taken seriously?? Do you make gay people do this too, or do you ever just believe them? 

It’s incredible that some people’s entire queer identity is rooted in the fact they’ve been murdered or disowned before, as if the second you’re not being beaten in the streets, do you really face any struggles? There are gay people who haven’t been disowned or killed (obviously). They’re still gay, and they can still talk about homophobia without being mocked for it.

Bonus points for this poster, in what must be purposeful assholery, not even using a standard, accepted definition of what it means to be asexual. “Oppressed for not having sex”. Yes, because “not having sex” is the definition of asexuality. I mean, God, at least be original and come up with a banger instead of this lazy insult.

And if you needed any more proof this poster hates asexual people take a look at their do not follow list!

Imagine...literally being offended by someone believing ace people are oppressed. If you had room for this shit in your bio, you certainly had room for “spineless bigot” somewhere. Alas…

And uh, thinking minors can be ace is also a DNF-worthy offense?? Oh boy. I hate even having to explain this, but...sexual attraction does not ship to your doorstep on your 18th birthday. I know, I’m bummed too, but that’s just how it is. For real though, there’s no argument to saying minors can’t be ace. Trick question, but not really: can minors experience sexual attraction? Obviously yes. Have you met a teenager? It’s insane that aphobes will argue asexual people are sexualizing children by allowing them the right to define their own feelings. And they always use straw men like that there are seven-year-olds identifying as asexual. Bitch, where? Even if you could search the planet and find me one, you wouldn’t be making a point. 

“BUT WHAT IF THEY EXPERIENCE SEXUAL ATTRACTION LATER?”

Gasp, a person changing their label later in life? The horror! How ever will they cancel their subscription? Aphobes, people change labels all the time. None of y’all seem this pressed when a lesbian later identifies as bisexual. I promise it’s okay.

There is literally nothing predatory about acknowledging minors can feel sexual attraction. Not only is it a fact provable but a five-second stint at any high school, but if you really think that’s creepy...that says more about you than anyone else. Just because minors experience sexual attraction doesn’t mean creepy-ass adults can take advantage of them.

Also...love that this poster said “LGBT aces are fine obv”. Is it obvious?? God, I love how aphobes will literally foam at the mouth about how asexual people are a bunch of attention-seeking, pedophiles who are trying to recruit children then immediately tag on a quick “but of course I support LGBT aces!!”. Are these people really so fucking thick they think their words don’t apply to bi, gay and trans aces?? I have yet to meet a single gay, bi or trans ace who feels positively about ace exclusionists. Your rhetoric inherently harms all ace people because it doesn’t give gay, bi and trans aces room to talk about their aphobic experiences. You don’t get to only support one part of their queer identity and expect a pat on the back. You’re a fucking aphobe, and you can’t cozy that up with your empty words of support for only the “good” aces. 

[honeysuckle-venom]

2, 18, & 45💜

Thank you so very much for asking Fable!!!

2. Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it

I mean....yes and no? I'm relatively open and can find lots of different people attractive. And at the same time the number of real crushes I've had is very small. But I think I sort of have a type, yeah. I tend to be drawn primarily to butches. Tall, short, fat, thin etc don't seem to matter much to me. But butch masculinity and certain connected mannerisms are attractive to me. If someone offers to carry something for me or lends me their jacket? I...yeah.

18. Favorite lesbian movie?

Oh this is soooooo hard I have to give three I'm sorry. Favorite lighthearted lesbian comedy is D.E.B.S. Favorite period piece is The Handmaiden. And favorite contemporary dramedy is Cloudburst.

45. At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

Ooh this is a tricky one. I think 16 but I'm not 100% positive? Let's see if I can trace the arc of my sexuality journey lol.

I started fantasizing about girls when I was 12 or 13 but kind of just ignored that, I wasn't ready to deal with it. But then the summer when I was 14 I met a girl and fell head over heels for her. She was the first out lesbian my age I'd ever met, she had short hair and let me wear her leather jacket and she was funny and smart and a good actress and I was a goner. She and I were best friends for several years and I was pretty much in love for almost 2 of those years. But I think at that point I was calling myself bi? Or maybe pan?

But by my first semester away at school when I was 16 I think I was calling myself an ace lesbian (which is still how I identify). There was this clique of lesbian girls in my year and I wanted to be part of their group sooooo badly but they didn't like me. And I'm pretty sure I was calling myself a lesbian then and was upset that I was a lesbian too but they didn't seem to believe me. So yeah, somewhere around 16 I believe, and it hasn't changed since, though over time my identity specifically as a nonbinary femme lesbian has developed and deepened.

[sapphic-sex-ed]

Ive identified as lesbian for 2 years but now im questioning. A friend (man) wanted to be friends with benefits. I stupidly decided to go along with it but when it actually came time to do something I freaked out. He hated my new answer of no, and i made it clear that I never want to talk to him again. But now i feel like i should have gone through with it anyway bc it made me feel gross but at least it meant someone was attracted to me. So my question is should i change labels?

Let me get this straight: you’ve IDed as lesbian for the past couple of years, a dude approached you for casual sex and against what I from your wording assume is your better judgment say yes, then when time comes freak out and you think you should change your labels?

I obviously don’t know you and can only go by what you’ve told me here but to me it doesn’t seem to me at all that you were actually interested in sex with this guy. Rather it seems like you just wanted validation and going through with sleeping with him (from your reaction) would probably have done you more harm than good. Comp het is a thing and it sounds to me like that’s what’s up.

I also wanna dig around the reason to change label. Labels aren’t defined by sexual behavior, they’re defined by yourself, usually a mix of internal sense of self, attraction, and communication. Just cause you considered trying to bed a guy doesn’t automatically mean you would be bi or pan. Actually, your reaction kinda makes me think you very much aren’t either of those.

It can be really difficult to navigate being queer, and I’m glad you stood your ground when that guy got upset and you shouldn’t have slept with him once you realized you didn’t want to. You did the right thing. I’m aware that I might sound a little stern in the paragraphs above but truly I do not think this experience does anything but solidify the fact that you don’t like guys.

-mod liz

[thevalleyisjolly]

Transpacific Stories Rec List!

Happy Lunar New Year!  To celebrate, I thought I’d do a “Top 5″ rec list of creative works that I really enjoy by transpacific Asian creators.

1. diaspora babies by Kai Cheng Thom (poem)

This spoken word poem haunts me to this day.  There’s a lot of immigrant (especially Chinese immigrant) emotions mixed up with queer experiences as a child of immigrants, and the vibes are truly just indescribable.  It cannot be expressed, only felt, so link is to the 4 minute video with captions.

2. Yellow Peril: Queer Destiny by Love Intersections (documentary)

A documentary about Vancouver drag artist Maiden China, which also features lines from diaspora babies!  It is all about that queer Chinese immigrant experience, discussing the nuances of both individually and together.  What is it like to be a Chinese immigrant, or the child of Chinese immigrants, in a North American society?  What is it like to be queer?  What is it like where those two parts of you intersect? 

I had the chance to meet one of the directors on this project and listen to his guest seminar, and the story behind this documentary and the production house came from an incident where some members of the local Chinese Canadian community launched a very public opposition to LGBTQ+ policies by the school board.  The news media of course went into a frenzy over this, and the producers noticed how the story was framed as “the Chinese community is “traditional” to the point of homophobia” (which...yes, there was homophobia involved, but not because of an innate “traditional Chinese are all homophobic” quality).

The documentary creators wanted to unpack, explore, and challenge this, and also to assert that queer Chinese people exist, which is exactly what the documentary does.  It showcases a variety of different relationships and interactions that queer Chinese people have - with their families, their immigrant communities, their heritage traditions, their broader Western society.  It’s a really complex and nuanced discussion, and one of the best documentaries I’ve ever watched.

3. Disappearing Moon Cafe by SKY Lee (novel)

Oh, you thought I was done with the queer Chinese immigrant theme?  Absolutely never.  This is a landmark book in the history of Chinese Canadian publishing - it was the first novel by a Chinese Canadian author to ever be mass distributed by a publishing house (SKY Lee is a lesbian, so first queer Chinese Canadian author as well!)  It follows the story of the Wong family across four generations, discussing themes such as settler colonialism and the roles and relationships that Chinese immigrants had and have with that, migration, family, and the nature of queerness in a non-Western context.

(I do have a whole essay talking about how understandings of queerness are frequently grounded in Western perspectives and how SKY Lee challenges and reframes non-heteronormativity in a uniquely Chinese immigrant context.  But also, you will totally ship Kae and Hermia.   You just will)

A deeply emotional, intense exploration of Chinese Canadian immigration, from its history to its experiences, good and bad and everything in between.  Truly, this may be a fictional novel, but the research is so well done, and if not every detail is historically accurate, the emotional truth of it is.  An excellent book that gives you so much food for thought.

4. A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki (novel)

One of the most intense books I’ve ever read, and am still thinking about years later.  I can’t speak to the accuracy of the experiences it represents, but it is a book that will make your heart ache and long and wonder. 

The premise: Ruth, a Japanese American novelist, discovers debris from the 2011 Japanese tsunami washed up on the cost of British Columbia.  One of these is a Hello Kitty lunchbox containing the diary of a girl named Nao.  Nao is a Japanese American teenager whose family had to relocate back to Japan.  She struggles with living in a foreign culture, family struggles and mental health issues, and severe bullying.  However, she also meets her great grandmother, a Buddhist monk over a hundred years old who was an anarchist, feminist, and novelist in her youth.  In documenting her great grandmother’s story in her diary, Nao comes to tell her own.  The novel goes back and forth between Ruth translating the diary and wanting to learn more about Nao, and Nao’s story (and her great grandmother’s) as documented in the diary. 

One of my favourite aspects of this book is the way it plays with perspective.  What is a story?  Who is telling it?  How is a story created and changed by every person who touches it?  What does it mean for a story to end?  Fair warning, there are some very heavy topics dealt with in this book, including depression, suicide, attempted sexual assault, and grooming.  It is a very good book, but please look after your own well-being first. 

5. M. Butterfly by David Henry Hwang (1988 play)

You know the opera, Madame Butterfly?  The racist Orientalist story of the white American Navy officer who goes to Japan, marries a Japanese girl for convenience, abandons her and their child for an American wife, and then she kills herself because she’s so in love with him that she can’t bear it?  Man, just typing that out pissed me off, and it sure pissed off David Henry Hwang too.  So let me tell you what he did about it.

There was a historical incident where a French diplomat, Bernard Boursicot, was caught in a honeypot trap by the Chinese spy Shiu Pei Pu, who was a Chinese opera singer.  For those who are unaware, Chinese opera singers are traditionally men.  Boursicot was unaware of this.  He had a decades long affair with Shiu Pei Pu, who identified themselves as female to him, and they eventually lived together as a family with a child.  It wasn’t until Boursicot was caught smuggling documents and put on trial that he found out Shiu Pei Pu was AMAB.

M. Butterfly is a play based off of this story, with explorations of Orientalism and how Song Liling (the play’s Shiu Pei Pu) was able to exploit racist beliefs and tropes such as “yellow fever” to win the heart and confidence of René Gallimard (the play’s Boursicot).   There’s a monologue in the original 1988 play (I’m not sure if it’s in the 2017 revision though) that Song delivers in the first few scenes of the play that explicitly addresses and tears apart the original Madame Butterfly story (which makes Song’s later use of it to seduce Gallimard all the more spicy - dude, they literally told you from the beginning why they hate the story, and you still believe that they want to be your docile little Butterfly?)  The overall play is a fantastically clever deconstruction of truly so much Orientalism and really challenges how Westerners perceive and depict Asian (especially East Asian) people.

A note on gender in this story: When the play was first performed in 1988, Song Liling’s character is AMAB and largely identifies as a man, with the strong subtext that he enjoys presenting as feminine.  Since 1988, Hwang has acknowledged that the gender reveal of the original play reinforces gender binaries, and has expressed the desire to revise his depiction of gender in the play to encompass genderfluid/GNC identities, which he did in the 2017 Broadway revival.  I have not seen the new version of the play, in which Song identifies themselves as AFAB and male presenting to Gallimard, so I can’t judge how it was handled.  I’ve heard that 2017 Song embraces a more explicitly genderfluid identity, but cannot confirm this.  The 2017 revision is based off of new information revealed about the Boursicot case, including that Shiu Pei Pu initially introduced themselves to Boursicot as someone AFAB who was presenting as male. 

[sideshow-wolfie]

Coming Out...

I've been happy with these terms for so long, I feel like I need to express it to you... Even if it felt a bit painful...

I'm proud to announce that I'm Genderfluid. I've been having a Gender Dysphoria for a long time, since 2 months into my Sophomore (11th) year, and I finally found out who I truley was... Previously I was Demigirl, meaning I was full girl, but different. THAT didn't suit me anymore as I got to February... I just went off as genderless, Aka Nonbinary. Nonbinary suited me for a little bit, until that wasn't the case either as Spring Break started. I looked through the information, and I finally found out why my Gender Identity changed constantly... In the end of April I discovered I was Genderfluid... What does that mean?

My gender identity changes around infinitely, and it concludes that my gender was never meant to be confirmed.... I was previously a girl, but I'm fine with They/Them Pronouns. ❤️

Here's an example:

Day 1: Nonbinary

Day 2: Bigender

Day 3: Pangender

Day 4: Demigirl

Day 5: Transgender

and the gender list goes on and mixes around everyweek and day.

Lastly, for the gender part, I have been connected to wolves for so long.. both mentally and physically.. so long that I did not realize what I was until now. (I was like this all the way back in 2012, when I was in elementary)

I kept thinking I was something else. I constantly howled when I'm home alone, and that I wish I had someone to do it with me... And I bark, like other wolves or werewolves...

Not that I'm Genderfluid, but I am also WolfGender. WolfGender means that I connect with Lycanthrope/Wolf/Werewolf Life, and that I was a wolf in the first place...

I have been questioning to myself if I was always going to be with a boy, girl, whoever else, or remain single for the rest of my life when I was a girl...

In 2014, I had watched a show that eventually made me feel this... attraction to people.

You guessed it...

Inanimate Insanity

But so to let you know, it is NOT season 1. It is season 2.

The character that started to make me attracted to a gender was Microphone... Microphone was a hyped contestant, but eventually things got deep for her... I had loved this character for 6 1/2 years, and I kept constantly drawing her as a werewolf... Whenever I drew Mic, I felt happy. When I was 10 years old, I got a T-Shirt of her... My god I felt like life was complete ❤️

Throughout Middle School, I have had my first relationship with someone... Zero was my first crush that I had ever hung out. However, long story short, we broke up due to multiple toxic reasons (Involving me, and It was my fault...).

That took me a whole year to move on, and breakups aren't that easy to get over sometimes. I thought I couldn't be happy anymore, until I found Cory...

Cory was also a girl, like how I was... We both met on deviantart, and we would always hang out with each other. We both liked the same thing, and we like the same kinks (Aagh, I apologize for mentioning!!), But they weren't NSFW, don't worry! Me and Them would always chat on Discord... But then I developed a crush on them... Cory felt suprised when I told them how I was starting to feel... It had been 2 years since I fell in love with someone, and I was happy that the feeling came back.

However, we didn't start a relationship just yet... and was called off early a week after I told them in March, due to the fact they were shy... I understood that feeling. What honestly almost lost my future was the prom. Originally, Cory DID have a prom date to celebrate their night, but he cheated on them for another female... When they told me that he cheated on them, I knew It was time for me to become who I was meant for...

I wanted to be a Lesbian for the rest of my life... And it was my time to have that chance again... I was NOT desperate, but I wanted to make our future into a perfect never-ending chapter... We got together in April 2020 (during the COVID-19 pandemic), and I am happy to announce that we are still a couple! Though there ARE a few changes...

Cory eventually became Genderqueer and Bisexual, because they fell in love with a person (which is now a girl), and... I kinda felt anxious, but hey, it's all settled... Cuz, love is love.

I became Genderfluid, but I mainly identified as a boy, and considered to myself as Gay (I still did NOT want to be reminded of my previous relationship with Zero nor the Guy that had used me for Sexual Assault).

Both of us had felt more... And I realize that Love can and will be infinite 💙❤️���♾

So Everyone, Yes I am gay, but I'm also Polyamorous! Unfortunately it IS illegal in the United States, so this is why I'm not telling my school or my family about this... They do accept me for being Gay, but not the Polyamorous part. Again, I'm not telling them I'm Poly, in order to keep myself from being attacked and teased.

To Finalize my Coming Out Blog, I am also feeling attracted to something else... Kinda like how I fell in love with Microphone, but was from another show.

The show was called The Simpsons.

The Simpsons is one of the oldest animated sitcoms, yet it is still the funniest hits I had ever watched from Fox. Without them, I wouldn't have typed this final part...

However, I was not attracted to Marge, Homer, Lisa or anybody... In fact I was in love with a phsycopath... It isn't Snake Jailbird, or Homer's Killer...

I'm In love with Sideshow Bob (Robert Terwilliger).

At that moment when I felt flattered whenever he spoke, or was shown in some scenes of the show (old and new seasons, EXCEPT FOR HIS OLDER APPEARENCE)... I had drawn him for the first time, but it was kinda crappy, because I never drew a Simpsons character in my life. When I was younger I drew Itchy and Scratchy... For a while I stopped... I had a crush on both Itchy and Scratchy... Now it's that Palm Tree Haired Cutie. ❤️

I suddenly got curious if it was possible to love an character like him as a babe... Google gave me and answer, and It found out what my puzzle was.. it's not Bisexual, which I kinda figured...

Apparently, I am Fictosexual. I am in love with animated characters, whether from an adult animated show, teen animated, and POSSIBLY all-family animated show... Which Technically for me, I would always lay my heart on Bob's.

In Conclusion, it's ok to love who you care about, and what you care about, and it is okay to be true to yourself. You can be who you are, and who you think will make you happier, even if it is animated X3

Happy Pride, everyone! YOU ARE ALL VALID!!

#LoveIsLove

[adorpheus]

on fujoshi and fetishization

Lately, more and more, both here on tumblr and on other sites, I keep seeing people spew unfiltered hatred at fujoshi - that is, women who like mlm content such as gay fanfic and fanart featuring men with other men. And I don’t mean like a specific type of fujoshi, like the ones who are genuinely being weird about it, but just like a general hatred for girls (but especially straight identifying girls) who express love for gay romance.

I hate to break this to you all, but women (including straight women!) actually are allowed to like mlm fanfiction and fanart, even enthusiastically so. A woman simply expressing her love of gay fanfic, even if it is in kind of a cringey way or a way that you personally don’t like, is NOT automatically fetishization.

I’ve been on the receiving end of fetishization for my entire life, from a very young age, as many black and brown folx have, so I consider myself pretty well acquainted with how it works. Fetishization isn’t just like, being really into drawings of boys kissing, or whatever the fuck y’all are trying to imply on this god forsaken site. 

Fetishization is complicated imo, and can encompass a lot of things, such as (but not limited to):

1 - dehumanization, e.g. viewing a group of people as sexual objects who exist purely for entertainment purposes, rather than acknowledging them as actual people who deserve respect and rights

and

2 - projecting certain assumptions onto said people based on their race/sexuality/whatever is being fetishized. These assumptions are often, but not always, sexual in nature (like the idea that black people in general are more sexual than other races, etc etc etc).

I’m going to use myself as an example to illustrate my point. Please note this isn’t the best or most nuanced example, but it is the most simplistic. A white person finding me attractive and respectfully appreciating my black features as part of what makes me beautiful is not, on its own, fetishization. A white person finding me attractive solely or mostly because I’m a PoC is now in fetishization territory. Similarly, assuming I’m dominant because of my blackness (like saying “step on me mommy” and shit like that) is hella fetishistic. 

That being said, theres definitely a difference between how fetishization works in real life with real people, and how it shows up in fandom. 

Fetishization manifests in many different ways in fandom, but most commonly on the mlm side of things, I personally see it appear as conservative (or centrist) women who love the idea of two men together, but don’t actually like gay people, and don’t necessarily think LGBT+ people deserve rights (or “special treatment” as its sometimes dog whistled). These women view queer men as sexual objects for entertainment rather than an actual group of people who deserve to be protected from systemic oppression. I’ve noticed that they often don’t even think of the men they “ship” together as actually being gay, and may even express disgust at the idea of a character in an mlm ship being headcanon’d gay. In case its not obvious, this is pretty much exactly the same way a lot of cishet men fetishize lesbians (they see “lesbian” as a porn category, rather than like, what actual LGBT people think of when we read the word lesbian). There’s a pretty popular viral tweet thread going around where someone explains seeing this trend of conservative women who like mlm stuff, and I have also personally witnessed this phenomenon myself in more than one fandom. 

The funny thing is, maybe its just me buuuut.... The place I see this particular kind of fetishization happen most is not in the anime/BL fandom, from which the term fujoshi originates - I actually see these type of women way way more in western fandom spaces like Supernatural, Harry Potter, and Hannibal. I can’t stress this enough, there’s a shocking amount of people who are like, straight up trump supporters in these fandoms. If you want to experience it, try joining a Hannigram or Destiel group on facebook and you will probably encounter one eventually especially if you happen to be living through a major historical event. Like these women probably wouldn’t even be considered “fujoshi”, because that term doesn’t really apply to them given they aren’t in the BL/anime fandom, yet they’re the ones I personally see actually doing the most harm.

Of course this isn’t the ONLY kind of fetishizing woman in the mlm/BL world, there are other ways fetishization shows up, but this is the most toxic kind that I see.

A girl just being really into BL or whatever may be “cringe” to you, or she may be expressing her love for BL in a “cringey” way, but a straight woman really enjoying BL is not, on its own, somehow inherently fetishization. Yes, sometimes teenage girls act kind of cringe about how much they like BL and that might be annoying to you, but its not necessarily ~problematic~. 

That being said, IT NEEDS BE REMARKED that a lot of the “fujoshi” that you all hate so deeply, are actually closeted trans men or nonbinary people who haven’t yet come to terms with their gender identity, or are otherwise just NOT cishet. I know because I was one of these closeted people for years, and I honestly think tumblr and the cultural obsession around purity is one of the many reasons I was closeted so deeply for so long. STORYTIME LOL!!! In my early adolescence, I was a sort of proto “fujoshi”. I identified as a bi girl who was mostly attracted to men, or as most (biphobic) people called it, “practically straight”. I wrote and read “slash” fanfic and looked at as well as drew my own fanart. We didn’t use the term fujoshi back then, but that’s definitely how I could have been described. I was obsessed with yaoi, BL, whatever you want to call it, to a cringe-inducing degree. I really struggled to relate to most het romances, so when I first discovered yaoi fanfics (as we called them at the time), I fell in love and felt like I finally found the type of romance content that was made for me. I didn’t know exactly why, I just knew it hit different. LGBT+ fanart and fanfiction brought me an immense amount of joy, and I didn’t really think too hard about why.

At some point, in my early 20s, after reading lots of discourse™ here on tumblr and other places like twitter, I started to get the sinking feeling that my passion for gay fanfiction was ~problematic~. I had always felt a sense of guilt for being into mlm content, because literally anyone who found out I liked BL (especially the men I dated) shamed me for liking it all the fucking time (which btw is literally just homophobic, like can we talk about that?). In addition to THAT bullshit, now I’m seeing posts telling me that girls who like BL are cringey gross fetishists who inspire rage and should go die? 

Let me tell you, I internalized the fuck out of messages like this. I desperately wanted to avoid being ~problematic~. At the time, I thought being problematic was like the worst thing you could be. I was terrified of being “cancelled”, before canceling was even really a thing. I thought to myself, “oh my god, I’m gross for liking this stuff? I should stop.” I beat myself up over this. I wanted so badly to be accepted, and to be deemed a Good Person by the internet and society at large.

I tried to shape up and become a good ally (lmfao). I stopped writing fanfic and deleted all the ones I was working on at the time. I made a concerted effort to assimilate into cishet culture, including trying to indulge myself more deeply in the few fandoms I could find that had het content I did enjoy (Buffy, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars, etc). I would occasionally look at BL/fanfic/etc in private, but then I would repress my interest in it and not look for a while. Instead I would look at women in straight relationships, and create extremely heterosexual Couple Goals pinterest boards, and try to figure out how I could become more like these women, so I, too, could be loved someday. 

This cycle of repression lasted like eight years. Throughout it all, I was performing womanhood to the best of my ability and trying to become a woman that was worthy of being in a relationship. I went in and out of several “straight” relationships, wondering why they didn’t make me feel the way reading fanfic did. Most of all, I couldn’t figure out why straight intimacy didn’t work for me. I just didn’t enjoy it. I always preferred looking at or making gay fanfiction/fanart over actual intimacy with men in real life. 

Eventually, I stumbled upon a trans coming out video that someone I was following posted online, my egg started to crack, and to make an extremely long story short, after like 3 years of introspection and many gender panic attacks that I still experience to this day, I realized that I’m uh... MAYBE... NOT CIS..!? :|

I truly believe if I had just been ALLOWED TO LIKE GAY STUFF WITHOUT BEING SHAMED FOR IT, I probably would have realized I was trans way way sooner. Because for me, indulging in my love of gay romance and writing gay fanfic wasn’t me being a weirdo fetishist, it was actually me exploring my own gender identity. It is what helped me come to terms with being a nonbinary trans boy.

Not everyone realizes they are trans at age 2 or whatever the fuck. Sometimes you have to go through a cringey fujoshi phase and multiple existential crises to realize how fucking gay you are AND THATS FINE.

And one more thing - can we just be real here? 

A lot of anti-fujoshi sentiment is literally just misogyny. omg please realize this. Its “women aren’t allowed to enjoy things” but, like... with gay fanfics. Some of the anti-fujoshi posts I see come across my dash are clearly ppl projecting a caricature they invented in their head of a demonic fujoshi fetishist onto any woman who expresses what they consider to be a little too much enthusiasm for gay content and then using their perception of that individual as an excuse to justify their disdain for any women, especially straight women, ‘invading’ their ~oh so exclusive~ queer fandom spaces.

 god get over yrselfs this is gatekeeping by another name

idk why i spent so long writing this no one is even going to read it, does anyone even still use this site

*EDIT: HOLY SHIT WHEN DOING RESEARCH FOR THIS POST I FOUND OUT THAT Y-GALLERY IS BACK OMG!!! 

[sp00kybitme]

Okay so this is really personal but I feel like I need to share it in order to better my health because being upfront about your trauma is a good way to heal from it. So buckle up because this post is gonna be a real doozy:

So let's start by backing up about 4 years ago in the summer of 2017, I was 17 since my birthday follows the year number and I was going through my own personal turmoil, dealing with my already medically diagnosed PTSD, OCD, Anxiety disorder, and severe depression. I had falling outs with most all of my irl friends due to my declining mental health but the decline started around august as my therapist who worked the best for me was leaving the clinic. She was openly queer and I related a lot to her since I felt like for once I wasn't alone yet after she left I was distraught. Also at the time I had a falling out with my father and my brother was a recovering drug addict so you could say shit was really complicated around that time and my head space was not well.

So back in 2016 I was able to get a PS4 and I hadn't used it until 2017 due to being more focused on my mental health but I caved and began playing Overwatch and there I met some folks who made life seem somewhat normal for once, no high end conflict, no drama, just simple fun with friends is all I wanted and for a while I actually had that! That was until the coming month september.

So September was when I started breaking off from big friend groups and settled with 2 people, let's call them Z and J for context, So Z was someone who I would say had undiagnosed mental health issues and J was someone who was mutual friends with Z because they went to high school together. Z and J were some of my only friends and we as people really bonded over stuff and I felt like life was actually turning up after losing so much shit that year.

So just for preface/context: at this time I identified with she/her pronouns and went by the term pansexual/demiromantic but now after much time I identify with they/them pronouns and am at least asexual, as for romantic I'm still figuring that out. So November rolled around and I noticed conflict immediately, Z and J were subtly arguing and J was using a victim complex mentality to guilt Z into caving yet at the time I was an oblivious 17 year old who was just desperate was friendship to the point of trying to always be a mediator.

Z was always talking about how lonely they were and how every relationship they had never worked out and at the time I was not out about not being cisgender and so they perceived me as a girl. Throughout September to november they would CONSTANTLY ask me out to the point of it being a desperation and a guilt trip and at this point I was afraid. I had lost EVERYONE in my life here and it was so frustrating but for a month I would keep my boundaries up and say no because I genuinely wasn't interested in a relationship and I didnt feel taht way about Z but they continued to push me and eventually I gave in and I remember the exact place it happened.

So we all 3 had a daily routine of getting on and playing Overwatch for hours just to talk shit and goof around so that day we were skirmishing on the "Temple of anubis" map and I said yes and in retrospect it was a horrible time to do that because it was in front of J and in turn made them feel loke a 3rd wheel. I wanna say that me conceding into a relationship while having no attractiom or interest was wrong of me and that I apologize for but again I WAS pressured as a minor. Also I forgot to say that Z was 19 and while that kind of age gap isn't inherently the worst, I was still an emotionally vulnerable minor being coaxed into a relationship.

So things went on relatively the same except for the fact that J was beginning to sound more spiteful and ended up getting upset easier and volatile which I blamed myself for but we'll get more into J very soon. So Z and I were noticing the change in behavior but tried not to bother J with it because they always didn't wanna talk about it. J confided in us at one point by telling us about their living situation being troublesome, they claimed they had no privacy, were verbally abused by their mother, and had relatives who were also abusive. We both had empathy for J and I was strongly affected by that since I had a strong disconnect from my father at the time who was abusive in a religious way.

We tried to keep things relatively normal at this point for the sake of J but Z was always trying to be bluntly romantic with me and I wasn't interested although they did ask me for "thigh pics" (lemme preface by saying I was still a minor at this point) but I was coaxed into that and virtual s*x which I was extremely uncomfortable with but Z had a strong tendency to victimize and guilt trip and I just wanted friends and had PTSD from friends levaing me and calling me selfish. It's not something I'm proud of but I genuinely was THAT scared of losing friends. In instances where J would get spiteful and resent Z, J at one point left our group chat and group and didnt reply to us because they attempted s*icide. We were HORRIFIED to find that out and really tried to keep a close eye on J into the new year.

2018 rolls in and now is the year that I consider my worst, I will TW// onward for talks of verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, talks of s*xual assault, s*icide, homophobia, and gaslighting. So after J's s*icide attempt I felt even WORSE in a relationship that itself was already one sided but I powered through as to not upset Z. The friendship dynamic we had at this point was gone as it only seemed to be arguing and fake excitement. One thing we all did in the game was idolize specific characters and obsess over them for mental comfort to the point that we got emotionally distraught over their deaths in game, genuinely very unhealthy for all of us. One thing J would do at times was purposefully pick me and Z's characters in game in commit s*icide in game with them just to upset us and would sometimes mentally torture Z by forcing them to be the character Z hated which only screwed up Z's Mental health. J would also alwsys victimize and act like they weren't being treated fairly and that all culminated in January.

January 2018, J began putting the thought of a polyamorus relationship on the table as in J, Z, and I would all be in a relationship together which I wasn't too keen on but was open to if it made everyone happy. Z wasnt interested at all and for the span of 2 weeks of January, J kept trying to manipulate and coax Z into a relationship and had me try to convince Z as well which I didn't know was wrong but granted I didn't understand Poly relationships until years later. Z eventually half caved and gave it a try but a day later Z backed out because they felt uncomfortable. I was a bit irritated at that time and so was J but I didn't personally know why because I was very oblivious to love and how it was supposed to be. We also would play 1v1 type games for fun until this time because both of them were seriously bothered by losing in 1v1 games and would gloat when they won. I personally didn't care as much and would joke around for the most part just to have fun. After this month we stopped playing 1v1 type games.

Early February came and we all began hanging out in skirmish (which means like a map where you just freeroam for 30 minutes until it refreshes), sometimes we would do ship dynamics with each other for fun and at the time we were joking around. Me and J joked around about two male characters (Junkrat and Roadhog) being together and if you have seen the two characters then you'll know why. Their dynamic as friends is flawed but a popular one yet nonetheless I liked their dynamic as a relationship at the time. Around this time, Z was beginning to do what I would call "selective homophobia" as in they would like some gay ships and despise others. When Z was presented with a WLW (lesbian) ship, they would be 100% supportive yet when a specific MLM (gay) ship was presented, they would make gagging noises as if they were trying to throw up. I should also mention how often Z would send Overwatch porn to group chats and how it made me incredibly uncomfortable, especially as a minor.

J would ultimately hold the blatant homophobia against Z and tried to turn me again Z for it. During this time, J was messaging me privately to try and convince me that Z was a bad person and that I should break up with them. Ultimately I agreed and broke up with Z over this and me and J distanced myself from Z to just hang out together. I was personally distraught in just finding out that a friend I was close to ended up being Homophobic all this time and emotionally it broke me a lot. At the time, J was there to help me emotionally and that initially helped me build trust with them. Eventually in mid February they asked me out and since they had helped me so much mentally, I felt out of a sense of obligation that being with them was something I almost owed them.

Side note: I wanna bring up this point as just a weird coincidence: February itself has always been one of the worst months for me every year, something horrendous has happened to me each February of each year and its weird because of how often I can recall this still being the case.

So After being around J for so long we started to just joke around and have fun as friends. They actually showed me their face for the first time over a video call which actually surprised me because they looked different then I thought they were but nonetheless I enjoyed their company because I felt like I had a friend. March rolled around and my birthday was coming up, my 18th birthday which was more of a big deal to J than me. They wanted to see me in provocative pictures and were constantly talking about how excited they were for it and I didn't understand why really. They were also 19 btw and they seemed way too excited for something as simple as that kind of picture. The day rolled around and I felt uncomfortable, I was told to send pictures and I did which admittedly made me uncomfortable as hell yet I still did and I was given positive affirmation for it. Little fact about me is that one thing I didn't get much growing up was positive affirmation so getting that made me feel like I was actually doing something right for once.

Over the next few months, J went from supportive and well intent to showing their true colors. As time went on they began to get more and more controlling with the things that I did as an individual. It went from supoorting the fact that I struggled with PTSD to using it as a reason that I shouldn't be making other friends besides them. From being supportive of my open mindedness with sexuality to coaxing me into spewing hateful rhetoric. Their family was actually really supportive of me at first, the thibg they had said about their mom turned out to be a lie used to play on my sympathy because their mom adored me as a person and constantly would ask if me and my mom needed anything. They sent us two big care packages through the mail with food and money for food and I originally was against that not just because I'm genuinely horrible at taking gifts but because they had my physical address and knew where I lived in case they wanted to "visit". The care packages meant a lot to me and my mom because we've been low income since I was little and having the luxury to live in a house or not have to worry about food consumption was something I never had.

During late spring, J began to be a lot more forceful with me by manipulating and gaslighting me into thinking many toxic things. I was afraid at this point of both J and being alone again. They would tell me that I should start acting more feminine and "like a girl" and that was REALLY triggering to me since over a big part of my life, I was questioning my gender identity and being forced into this feminine box made me hate myself. They would tell me to wear "panties", talk higher pitched, and even tell me to be a submissive partner who just lets them lead and me follow. I'm naturally a more dominant person in general so it was like I was disregarding a huge part of my identity. I was almost silenced into this role that J wanted me to be. They would force me to do lewd things online and while you could say that I shouldn't have been worried since it wasn't irl, they knew my address and last name.

One instance I remember was that J asked about my deadname and I told them and then questioned why I would change that name since it "was more feminine and fit me". It was upsetting to hear that but at least they didn't deadname me after finding out. They also kept telling me that I wasnt allowed to be attracted to anyone but them. I wasn't allowed to protest because they would threaten killing themselves and actually send a picture of them with a knife to their throat as if to threaten me.

A detail I left out intentionally was something that disturbed me the most about them and really makes me think they have a serious form of some kind of dissociative mental disorder. (Context: I'm not stigmatizing folks who have Dissociative disorders, my mother has one and the symptoms J exhibited make me think of someone who experiences detachment or disillusionment. Im not going to diagnose them but my instinct makes me believe that it could be something similar yet they have never been medically diagnosed.) J would constantly talk about a friend they had in elementary school who had taken their own life and how the spirit of this friend still keeps near them since they were close back then. This friend almost seemed to become a way to manipulate me later on in 2018.

This friend of theirs almost seemed to be a way to seperate themselves from how they treated me or avoid blame. This friend would threaten me that if I didn't let J r*pe me that they were gonna commit s*icide and that it would be my fault for not doing what they wanted. They also would threaten me to do what J said or else they would "possess" me. I'm someone who has had bad experiences with spirits so I didn't want to have more hell. J themselves would sometimes get extremely angry when I stood up for myself or expressed stuff I was really interested in and would threaten to track me down, assault me, and kill my mom. They also began pitting me against my mom because I would talk about how my mom was getting worried about me being hurt but J said that my mom was faking it and manipulating me and I almost believed J but I know my mom and I know she cares too much about me to do something like that.

Around September, I was practically an emotionless shell. I wasn't excited about anything, I wasn't angry anymore, I was barely feeling much of anything but a deep seeded sadness. I lacked in a lot of places and repressed any emotion I had so deep that I couldn't react to anything anymore. I think J began to notice because they started to actually act concerned after a while but that was flickering like a light switch. One of the last instances that I broke down was august of 2018 when I began crying heavily over microphone and begging them to not hate me. They had no reaction, no remorse , no empathy and when their mom came in they just left me there crying without affirming me at all.

During this time, I was sending hundreds of nude photos a day to appease them and they would get off and go to sleep and during the night I would secretly cry and look at queer based things in private to try and keep some semblance of my identity in tact. I actually started watching Sanders sides around July 2018 and enjoyed the series and how nice the fanbase seemed and it somehow helped me get through this rough period of time.

October was probably some of the worst time because I ended up missing my favorite holiday, Halloween which was the only time I personally enjoyed being myself because the element of the holiday made me happy. That halloween I spent on overwatch with J, overall miserable and hating myself. I also forgot to mention that J would dictate what I wore, they would hate that I wore boxer briefs and men's cologne and deodorant, they constantly questioned why I was trying to be masculine when I was AFAB but again I was also closeted with my gender identity and this shoved me even more into the closet when they would argue with me about it.

November rolled around and I had practically been at my breaking point, J was trying to convince me for weeks to move down south to live with them and their family and I was practically being forced. I have a fear of flying and I kept saying that I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my disabled mom by herself and my mom also hates flying. J was trying to get things their way and forced me too and I was looking into flights even though I was deadset on not going. November 11th 2018, I wasn't replying to J's texts right away because I was actually standing up for myself. They began HEAVILY threatening to end their life and I remember sitting there and crying without emotion then I hung up on them and told them to stop calling and texting me as they had begun to text and call me incessantly. I said I needed a break and finally let out a breath when they said ok.

Around late November, I felt as though I had misjudged Z and unblocked and messaged them, apologizing for being a dick to them. They initially forgave me and I was just going to move on but they asked if we could play in a public chill server and I accepted just to try and get my mind off of J. As we entered into the game, J suddenly started spectating and Z left instantly out of fear. I only talked to Z just to apologize and give context as to what happened, I was desensitized and just needed a friend. J messaged me apologizing frantically and saying "if you've moved on to date Z, just tell me so I can move on" and I said "no, I just needed a friend right now and I need my space. Don't talk to me for a while, respect that one thing." And thankfully, I was actually left alone.

December rolled around once again and at this point I had finally blocked J and moved on from everything, J's mom had messaged me on Facebook and told me that I was a "filthy cheater who just used J for their kindess and didn't care about them" but I did actually genuinely care deeply about J yet he abused my compassion by gaslighting me and putting me into this false sense of security. Before I could reply, she blocked me so she never actually took the time to ask me. I was feeling guilty for leaving J but I was reassured by Z during that time period and Z had apologised for previous comments as well. Z ended up introducing another friend to the group, we'll call them A. We would first play Overwatch but immediately switch to Minecraft which I had bought when still with J to play with their family. Around this time I had begun to cling to Z uninitentionally due to recovering from my trauma and needing that affirmation that I wasn't some terrible abuser, as J had manipulated me to think I was. Z was getting a bit bothered by this yet they had never publicly told me nor did they understand why I clung to them in the first place. Z knew I had PTSD and I had told them exactly what I had just described earlier about what J had done to me and Z was initially very empathetic though I was never told that my clinginess was bothering them because I was in recovery mode. Eventually towards the end of January, I was told by A that they knew why I was so clingy with Z. At first I was confused because they both had known that I had PTSD but A proceed. "The only reason you're so clingy with Z is because you're secretly still in love with them, I can read you like an open book and you would do best to stop denying your obvious feelings for them" Hearing this made me personally disgusted, appalled, and upset mentally. Z kept to the side during this discussion and didn't go against A however they didn't deny A's words.

I retorted by speaking about my trauma and how it made me cling to people unnecessarily but then A proceeded to invalidate my trauma by implying that I was over exaggerating what I had gone through. I felt awful and I forcefully distanced myself from them both only to go back once again out of fear of being alone. This continued for a while until July 10th, 2019 when I finally distanced myself from Z for good. I made my own account on Instagram and over the span of 2 years, I built up a community of people who liked my work and I got my sense of individualism back give or take. I recently changed accounts because this era in my life is brand new and I couldn't be happier with where I'm at.

This post is more so a form of being vulnerable and a bit of exposure therapy. Sure im not a perfect person, I can't even publicly out my abusers but I think it would do more harm than good. If anyone wants to have a warning for their accounts, at least on YouTube, message me on my Insta in my bio. I'm sorry if this was long and possibly upsetting but I wanted to just get this out. I dont know who would be seeing this but if you read this far: thank you, honestly its upsetting to have to go through so much bullshit and I hate talking about it because it's difficult to really put shit out there without feeling like its some tupe of attention thing. I don't want to post this for sympathy, I want to post this for me, just to feel better about where I'm at and also face my trauma head on to heal from it. I'm not saying this to compare who's life is worse or not but I am posting this to better myself.

Thank you again,

Spooky