#I mean yeah I'll go back and can add a bunch and edit it more later but I'm just eh eh eh

[miabrown007]

why does a fic have to have "plot", is it not enough to [insert blorbos]

[sysig]

The brainworms are winning, clearly (Patreon)

[magentagalaxies]

toronto day seven update:

currently i am very tired sleepy and a lil sad bc tomorrow is going to be my last full day in toronto this trip but also i'm so excited for tomorrow and i've been having such a good week that i'm honestly just looking forward to all the fun i can have while i'm still here

with that out of the way here are today's updates!!

went to lunch with bruce and had a really great conversation about my comedy. he asked if i'd ever be interested in doing this show called "mortified" where people do comedy routines based on their old journals/diaries from when they were growing up. i've been a fan of this show for a while and i've been journaling fairly consistently since i was eleven years old so of course that sounds like a dream come true, and apparently bruce knows the guy who runs it so maybe i'll spend some time at home curating which piece i'd like to present

also. tammy is now canonically aubrey aubergine's mother. somehow we got on the topic of tammy and i explained that weird little coincidence in my show "other girls" that accidentally suggests his character is my character's mom and bruce thought it was very funny imagining what a character like tammy would be like as a parent so he was like "aw, i love that i'm your mum!"

i went over to paul's place to work a bit more on the buddy cole documentary (and also just hang out bc i love paul and i love how the first thing he said when he let me in was "jess how do i turn my ringer on" and handing me his iphone and i love how when he did get a phone call he said the phrase "my friend jess is hanging out at my place right now" like yes we're friends but hearing someone i look up to say "my friend jess" never gets old)

i also finally was able to take a high res picture of paul's cat "early". (when paul saw this picture he was so happy he just went "my baby boy!")

anyway paul and i then decided to film his interview for the buddy cole doc (just to give me something to edit when i get back) and we spent a solid ninety minutes chatting about buddy cole's evolution chronologically. paul gave me so much more insight into the character but tbh i think my favorite part was towards the end when we talked about being a gay man in your 60s and how cool it is even outside buddy cole that he and scott are still just as interested in being punk and making music and comedy and being overtly gay as they were when they were my age, but also with the perspective age gives you that sometimes allows you not to care. it was so inspirational and tbh i might clip just that segment and post it at some point

i also went to the premiere of THE DESSERT, a new sketch show bruce mcculloch is executive producing!!! the show was very funny 10/10 recommend checking it out (it's on Crave, which I think is a streaming service only available in canada) and i got to meet a bunch of new people! tho also it was a little overstimulating bc holy shit the party was very loud with everyone mingling with each other, and i found it very sweet how as we (meaning me, bruce, and his wife) were leaving the party together to get a late dinner at a fast food place he said that quiet moment was actually his favorite part of the night. tbh it was definitely my favorite part as well

overall i'd say the headline of today is helping kith people with their phones (i also had to help bruce cancel an uber, and at one point he asked me how to add a photo he just took to his instagram story before we were interrupted) but also like. bruce and his wife very much feel like another set of parents to me now. like all the nervousness i felt seeing them as celebrities is pretty much gone

also bruce said i'm more of a "friend of kids in the hall" than pete davidson despite what the amazon prime season would have you believe. hell yeah suck it pete

toronto day one update:

paul bellini sent me an email while i was on the drive up with the subject line "Toronto!" and the phrase "Let me know what's up so we can hang." he also invited me to a screening of a movie he cowrote that was never released called "hayseed" tomorrow and said "if you're here you must come." this is the most excitement i've ever seen in a paul email and i am living for it

bruce texted me last night to ask about my ETA and texted again while i was on the road. then when i got to toronto he told me to call him so we could discuss plans for this next week and when he picked up the phone he immediately went "is this my protégé?" and like even tho he calls me that all the time hearing his voice on the other end of the phone still made me super emotional like yep it's me we're in the same city now

long story short the guys are very happy to have me in canada again and i'm so happy that i almost started tearing up in the grocery store thinking about how supportive they are

[aestheticallyholland]

NEVER NOT | THE CONTRACT . . .

❃ PAIRING tom holland x fem!reader

❃ DISCLAIMER i do not own the artists (and the reader) that are going to portray the characters, but i do own some of the their names. the plot of the story is inspired to the book and movie 'to all the boys i've loved before' but with changes. the gifs and photos used in this series are edited by me but i get credits to the originals. also, this series is first posted in wattpad by me. PLEASE DO NOT REPOST IT SOMEWHERE ELSE !

❃ WORD COUNT 1.2k words

WANNA BE ON THE TAGLIST? feel free to comment on this post if you wanna be added to this series' taglist to get notified for updates !

NEVER NOT MASTERPOST | LEI'S LIBRARY

"Love is a free contract that begins with a spark and can end the same way." — Isabel Allende

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

ANOTHER SCHOOL MORNING and Y/N suddenly jumped from her bed.

She didn't know why her heart was pounding so fast from her chest. She was planning to tell him when her classes are over.

He's the captain of the football team so she knew where he would be after classes.

After a long day of boring classes, the bell rang and she stood up and quickly went to her locker to place her things inside. After she closed her locker, she jumped at the sight of someone that she didn't see for the past few days.

"Aiden. You scared me." Y/N said with her hand on her chest.

"I'm sorry, it's cute when you get scared." He said and she glared at him. Her heart started beating fast like how she felt ever since she had feelings for him.

Here we go again.

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

He scratched the back of his neck before talking. "I just wanted to ask if we can walk home together."

Her heart flutter but then she realized that she needed to see Tom since she will say yes to his deal.

He has a girlfriend, Y/N. Your freaking sister. Get over him.

"I-I'm sorry, Aiden. I have to meet someone after classes. I promised him." Y/N said and shut her mouth after she said 'him'.

"Him?" He asked with confusion in his voice. "Who is this guy-"

"I have to go now, Aiden! Talk to you soon!" Y/N quickly ran before he could even finish asking a question, leaving him dumbfounded. He just watched you run away from him with a confused mind.

Y/N turned to the door going outside where the football field is. You opened the door and the bright light hit her eyes and she squinted them.

As soon as she stepped outside, she went to look for Tom in the field for how many minutes. She went inside the field, fearing that the ball would hit her face and she would faint.

That would be so embarrassing.

She finally spotted Tom with a red helmet on his head. She stood there until he finally looked back and saw Y/N standing there. He smirked under his helmet and told his teammates to time out.

He walked towards Y/N and she lifted her head up when he was near him. He took his helmet off revealing his curly and messy hair.

"Hey, Y/N." He greeted her.

She sighed before she could answer and she felt her heart still beating fast.

You'll probably regret this, Y/N.

"Let's do this." Y/N blurted out and wanted to slap herself for some reason but she remained in front of him.

He grinned and looked away for a while before looking back at her. He suddenly pulled her from her waist and suddenly pressed his lips to hers.

Her eyes widen at the act and he pulled away while she was still dumbfounded. He just smiled, not caring that people saw what happened.

Y/N could feel her cheeks burning up and she realized that they were already starting the act.

"I-I'll wait by the tree," Y/N said awkwardly and walked away almost bumping into a bunch of football guys.

Tom still continued to smile before telling his teammates to resume the game.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"I still can't believe that you actually agreed to this," Tom said who was sitting in front of Y/N. They were in the same place as they were yesterday with the cherry blossom trees surrounding them.

"Me neither," Y/N answered. "And if we're going to do this, we have to make a contract between us."

"Why would we need that?" Tom asked and leaned back, making himself sit comfortably.

"To make this act successful and make sure we're on the same page," Y/N said as she took out a piece of paper and a pen from her bag.

"Rule number one, no kissing," Y/N said and Tom got confused.

"Didn't we just kiss a while ago?" Tom said.

"Not doing that again, Tom," Y/N said.

"How are we going to let people know that we're together? They're going to be suspicious if I don't touch you." Tom said. Y/N groaned and rolled her eyes.

"Y-you can put your hand on my back pocket," Y/N said.

He looked at her confusingly. "What the hell is that?"

"Sixteen Candles. It's a couple's thing." She answered.

"That sounds like from the 70s." He said.

"From the 80s, actually." She said.

"Alright, fine." He gave up.

"Alright! Rule number two, no secrets between each other. We can never tell anyone about this fake relationship. Or else we'll be dead." Y/N said as she scribbled down the paper.

"Of course, we can't. That would ruin the entire thing." Tom said. "I can go with that."

"What else do you have in mind?" Y/N asked him and looked into his eyes.

He thought of something else and came up with an idea that he never did with Camille.

"I can... I can write you notes. Every day." He said. Y/N just looked at him before answering.

Y/N could feel her heart flutter the moment he said that. "You do that?" Y/N asked him with a soft voice.

"Yeah, but never did that for Camille even though she wants me to," Tom said. "So if I start doing that to you, she will probably freak out."

She placed a hand on her chest and made a flattering expression. "How romantic of you."

"Also, you have to go with me when there are parties, as my plus one," Tom said. "There's an upcoming one this Saturday."

"I don't do parties, Holland," Y/N said.

"Come one. I have to give you notes every day." Tom said.

"Alright, fine," Y/N said and wrote it down on the paper.

"Also, lacrosse games," Tom added.

"And lacrosse games." She said and added it down to the paper.

"Rule number five and the important one. No falling in love, Holland." She said and Tom just chuckled.

"That won't be a problem, Y/L/N." He said.

"And, you have to walk me home. Meaning, every day until this is over." Y/N said.

"Almost all of these rules only came from yours," Tom said and it was Y/N who chuckled this time.

"And that's it!" She said, happily but Tom talked again.

"No, no. Add one more."

She looked at him with confusion. "What?"

"We have to go on a ski trip together," Tom said.

"But that's still a month away. Do you still think we could last a month without getting both of our asses beat up?" Y/N asked.

"If it still continues, then we have to go there," Tom said.

"Alright, deal," Y/N said and wrote it down as the last rule. She signed it since it was a contract and handed it to Tom. She held her hand and Tom chuckled and took and they shook their hands as a form of an agreement.

"Not regretting this, Y/L/N?" Tom asked and Y/N just smiled.

"Probably not, Holland." She answered.

Maybe.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

❃ TAGLIST @allthisfortommy @kait4073 @lovebittenbyevans @l0ve-0f-my-life @spiitfiires

[jamiebluewind]

Fantasy High Characters 2.12

I'll go back to ep 2.11 eventually, but I wanted to get this one out while it's still the newest. As always, let me know if I need to edit or add anything and tag/ask/PM me about art and stories so I can check them out!

Warnings: canon typical violence, gore, blood, gross mention, vomit, fantasy racism mention, disturbing imagery, panic attack mention, threats, murder, alcohol, injury

***

Ally (on the fig/ayda kiss): Two young Sheldon's makeing out XD

Lou (on the second fig/ayda kiss): Yes-ah! Yes-ah! Yes-ah! Yes-ah! I bless this union! Yes-ah!

Brennan (on forgetting to change the music for the arcane crime scene): -this is the wrong music for this moment

***

New Characters

Craf-me Rootdrinker

Gnome and druid

Gave his life 200 years ago to reclaim Arborly from the curse

Was very kind

Avoided "cleric nonsense"

Nuathura (New-ah-thoo-ra) the Fox

Older red fox who was awakened as a pup by Craf-me (was his familiar/companion)

Spry and slinky despite his age

Fluent in silvian, elvish, and gnomish

Runs the town (basically the mayor) and offers the adventurers every resource in their village at their disposal

Appreciates it when he is shown respect and is more open to outsiders and outsider tech than Mira, saying that the Nightmare King was once defeated by a strange band of Solesians and that they were delighted to have them

Likes shrimp and was given one by Fabian and four (one on each paw) by Kristen

Was told the crown of the Nightmare King was kept deep under a pit under a pyramid where it could never be found (and was understandably upset to discover that it was instead kept on a shelf in a dean's office and now in the hands of Adaine's mom who is trying to get into the forest)

Mira Silverbough/Silverbow

Wood elf and leader of the rangers who guard the town (of which there are 40 standing on bolders with arrows nocked when the teens wake up)

Intense angular face with steal gray eyes and long black hair on the top of her head (that might hang down in her face) with shaved sides that appear to be turning gray/salt and pepper

Dressed in dark forest green with leather archer's bracers and gloves with

"Ah. Not TRULY children. These are almost adults grown. Come here!" *gestures for the teens to come over*

Racist against those with infernal lineage, goblins, and orcs, but seems to be racist against all other races in general

Was put off by technology she doesn't understand

Referred to Fig as a troubadour (poet who writes verses to music or specificly a French medieval lyric poet) and the van as very small house of wheels

Furrowed her brow at Adaine being the Oracle

Second to Nuathura and very protective of him

Krumpkin Springbill

Head of the Tinkerer's Hall

Round as a pumpkin with a shiny bald head and a mustashe like a push broom

Dressed in soot covered goggles (which he pushed up) and a leather apron filled with tools

He and the other gnomes come up to Gorgug's mid thigh

Two unnamed gnomes

Person with a huge handlebar mustache and a top hat with gear in the side of it

Woman with folded canvas ornithopter wings

Unnamed Bartender

Works at The Owl And The Harp

Was told by Adaine that she was looking for her mom and was shocked by her crystal (used to show him a picture)

Said Elianwyn was staying on the top floor, but thought the kids couldn't afford the substantial outstanding debt she left behind (after leaving without checking out) of 10 gold

Was paid 12 gold by Adaine, then 5 gold by Riz, then another 5 gold by Riz (which was wet), and shown a very round frog by Adaine

Told them that they were acting very suspicious despite being warned about them by the rangers

Most likely has no idea the damage Elianwyn did to the suite she was renting

Vraz the Mean

Executive Potenti of the Dominion of Avernus (first/topmost layer of hell) and Arch Secretary to Blozo the Undimenished who is the regnant of Sloth

Came through a burning oval doorway opened by Fig's magic (which opens to red firy sky and blasted red plane)

Dressed in black steal plate armor and horned helmet, covering all but her face

Beautiful woman's face with porcelain skin, ruby red lips, and a seem at the edge of her helmet where the rest of her skin had been flayed off her body

Burnt scarred skeletal remains of wings

Carrying a burning scroll to serve to Fig

Killean

Wood elf, resident of Arborly, drunkard, and a cruel man

Worked for Elianwyn and was rude to the tinkerers while picking up wax, ink components, and fiddle faddle for her

Had short cropped brown hair, hazel eyes, and a small amount of facial hair

Seen in scry as a puppet with a slit throat. Not wearing a shirt or boots as he left bloody footprints. Blood dripped from his burning dull red glowing eyes into his beard. His sternum was broke open and a fire was roiling within the open exposed wound where a gem was glowing.

Shone a dull red glow 20 feet ahead of the group which causesd a path to open in the dark, twisted, and grarled forest like a subterranean tunnel

Established Characters

Elianwyn (Adaine's mom)

Stayed at The Owl And The Harp for several months

Kept to herself, save sending Killean  to get things for her at the Tinkerer's Hall (they had spell components that could be used by both them and wizards)

Vanished with Killean and Aelwyn the night Aelwyn arrived

Murdered Killean and did a spell that left him a puppet with Gorthalax's gem in his chest

Went into the forest, using puppet Killean to cause the briars to retract

Was wearing a deep elven traveling cloak and covered in nasty scars related to a curse (but might be due to a Fallinel curse and not the original crown curse)

Aelwyn

Arrived at Arborly a night before the bad kids (and 2 nights before the bad kids talked to the locals) and was still uncontrollably and explosively gassy (which reaked), worse for wear, and started crying

Changed into wood elven travel garb and traveled with Elianwyn into the forest

Dispelled Adaine's scry without seeing it

Calina

Told Kristen that if they make it through the wall, she would kill them all (starting with Tracker) and that the only reason they were alive was because they were a nuisance (not a full problem) and never got between her and what she wanted

"I want you to stay out of that fucking forest."

Riz didn't see Calina despite being right there and the grass wasn't bent or disturbed where she was supposed to have been standing

Pok's sleeve wasn't disturbed where she was supposed to be standing either and she couldn't drink (or possibly hold anything at all)

She gave Riz sleep paralysis, but never hurt him

Most likely doesn't exist anywhere physically

Is in their heads, but still had to ask questions, so she can project herself into their minds but not read their minds

Note: The unmade goddess turned her familiar (a black cat) into a plague

Kristen

Told Tracker she shouldn't be guilty about passing on any kind of sickness because she believed it had to do with both of them due to her secrets combined with Tracker being a carrier

Suggested doing spells through a dental dam as she had a bunch from Jawbone (who kept insisting that she use them)

Found a bag of loose crab meat and used it to make crab nachos (which she always makes when she has the choice as her parents always made it for parties and never let her have any)

Got drunk and tried to make Riz kiss a shrimp when he got upset, offered Fig a "shrimp secret", tried to throw Fig 2 beers (which Gorgug smashes and she thought was awesome), called Gorgug a scientist when he said he was a little crab, and called Riz "king crab king!" when he was down on himself.

Saw Calina when nobody else could and responded by screaming "Fuck you!" at her

Drank a cortada and stayed cool while Calina was there (talking shit about her as Calina threatened her and the group) but freaked out after she left, asking everyone to hold her and dogpile on her before she vomited coffee and shrimp

Was okay once she was pressed into the grass by all her friends

Tried to get Tracker to stay in town and not go into the forest, offering handcuffs and asking as officer Kristen (and even colonel Kristen using an order)

Tracker

Still rocked after the Galicia sister thing saying that the elven church and the priestesses she knows are nothing alike, but they both worship the same goddess and what the elves did was causing her to have a lot of questions for the first time

Took precautions during things like the life transference spell to avoid passing on lycanthropy, but had never thought to protect herself from something coming back the other way

Had a good talk with Sandra Lynn and gave her a solid shovel talk

Translated the gist of what the others were saying in elvish (to Nuathura and wood elves) for Gorgug and Ragh

Got drunk, balanced crab nachos on her head, and told the others to "Let [Fig] use the shrimp tub!" which resulted in a "shrimp tub" chant

Comforted a freaked out Kristen by rubbing circles in her back

Shivered when she entered the Shrine of Thorns, her eyes flashing yellow as she suddenly felt nauseous and generally not good as the shrine basically repelled her until she exited it

Adaine

Had a message chat that's mostly jokes and memes (that Fig wasn't in on due to losing her phone)

Wanted a fluffy robe

Her crystal has meditation and non-fiction (like a hystory on mage hand) instead of music

Found bellinis and caviar to eat (instead of crab nachos) and shared with Fabian

Drank half a beer, got a little drunk, wondered where Fig was (but was silenced by Kristen), wanted to go in the hot tub with Fig, and pretended to be a crab

On rather they should be honest with the wood elves "Maybe? It makes me nervous. Everything majes me nervous. Sure. Why not?"

Slipped behind Fig during the wood elf standoff and held up a fist while saying "yeah!" to support her, but jumped in with her status as the Oracle, saying it was a prophesy and going into the forest was "A thing we have to do." (which made the wood elves lower their bows and whisper to each other)

Admitted that her sister and mother were trying to get into the forest too, but that they were working against them

Started searching for Calina nearby after her sister booted her from scrying

Told the bartender at The Owl And The Harp that she was looking for her mom (with picture) and paid off her outstanding debt of 10 gold for the suite (with a 2 gold tip) before going upstairs to discover the crime scene her mother left behind

Ragh

Found a bunch of kippers for Fabian

Munched on an entire bone in ham

Got drunk, got shirtless and started screaming "More lobster! You're not lobster enough!" at Tracker

Pointed out the obvious (one guy in town has 4 refridgerators) when Fabian was worried about introducing tech too soon

Gorgug

Got drunk, did a "crab stand", made his arms look like a crab, chanted "crab king" at Ragh, became crab king, said the shrimp tub was not for peasants (when Fabian told Fig about it), smashed the two beers Kristen threw to Fig out of the air (followed by a celebratory yell and him pumping both arms in the air while the bloodrush boys chanted "hoot growl!"), said "I'm a little crab." to Kristen, and finally gave Riz the crab king crown and said Riz? *points at him* You're the crab king now.

Walked up to Nuathura to say hello in gnomish when he heard Nuathura mention tinkerers

Told the tinkerers that he repaired the Hangman, but failed to make a working mechanical butt for him

"Showed" the tinkerers his crystal and headphone as well (and by that I mean the were crawling all over him like excited 5 year olds)

Riz

Started setting up a tiny conspiracy board in Hollyhill minutes after getting there

When asked how he got a certain picture of Kristen, he said "You know... you take pictures; you hang um. That's what you do."

Said "I'm gonna snoop around. In a suspicious way, NOT in a party way." and finds Spyre tech and receipts showing that the guy is expensing stuff to his corporate card that have nothing to do with his work, resulting in him telling the others that it was a tax haven and illegal, so he felt less bad about having a party and more like Robin hood stealing his beer.

Got drunk, somehow stated acting/dancing like a shrimp, pointed out that Gorgug was a crab, started crying and got emotional because "Shrimp are so little and sometimes they get caught in the nets and stuff!" and told Kristen "I'm not gonna kiss the shrimp! It's dead Kristen. And we killed it.", cried again before Fabian comforted him, and became the crab king saying "Honestly, I just wanted to be the crab king. This whole time I've just been the shrimp and I feel like I've been the shrimp my whole life and I just wanna be the crab king. It means a lot that you guys made me the crab king."

Is super hung over the next day as well as super sweaty and nervous about being around a bunch of people, but still tells the elves that there is a demonic plot

Saw that something was off with Fig and thought for a moment that she might have kissed someone, but ends up going with "Did you have... good crab?"

Discovered what his fate would have been if the group hadn't rescued him when Adaine scrys Killean

Vomited over seeing Kristen vomit

Didn't see Calina despite looking exactly where Kristen was and checked the grass with his magnifying glass to find that the grass wasn't bent or disturbed where Calina was supposed to have been standing

Gets super sweaty and unhelpful when trying to talk to the bartender

Had no idea when to stop trying to bribe the bartender and said that the money was so wet because he ate a lot of shrimp

Fabian

Got in a small argument with Adaine on rather or not it was okay to touch your dad's butt (he said it's fine)

Still has the sheet with him as well as the sword Faun-drang-goorh

Got drunk, excitedly said Riz was a shrimp and that Gorgug was a crab, said "I'm a little shrimp!" over and over while dancing, tried to explain everything that had happened to Fig (including that the hot tub upstairs was filled with shrimp), tried to comfort a crying Riz by telling him "The Ball, it's going to be alright. The shrimp will be fine.", and wrapped Riz in his sheet, looked him dead in the eyes (with one hand on either side of Riz while gripping the sheet), and told him "I believe in you. *licks lip* Spring break.", before giving Riz his first ever bardic inspiration

The next day, gave Nuathura a shrimp from his pocket

Rebbed engine of Hangman as Kristen tried to give an inspiring speech

Fig

When opening Hollyhill, said "What did I say? Has your girl ever not delivered?" followed by a resounding "Yes!" from the group

Found a ghost white mushroom with a black skull imprint on the top of it while looking for psychedelics and wanted to eat it

Hears whispering coming from the briar wall

"Sometimes one of the fun things about friendship is just being a chorus on nonsense together and you don't have to hear each other; it just feels really good to talk really loud."

Sees nonsense as a good way to escape when things get too heavy or dark

Talked down about her abilities, especially when compared to Ayda

The thorns don't try to attack her, so she used burning hands on the thorns and the vines sucked up the magic, moving it to the Shrine of Thorns and leaving behind a charred handprint

Didn't want Ayda to know she was a virgin

Cast greater invisibility on her and Ayda

Rolled bad on insight checks on Ayda (trackerbees take two! XD)

Is terrified of saying nice things to others and vomits a little in a bush before telling Ayda "I actually think you're perfect the way you are" before skateboarding away and down an 80 foot near vertical tree, coming out of invisibility so Ayda could see her trick.

Couldn't go anywhere on her skateboard in the ferns and dirt

Wrote up a "contract" after Ayda's confession that said if Ayda made fun of her for what she was about to say, she could give her a wet willy. Before Ayda could sign, she took Ayda by the chin, said "Just so you know, I've never done this as myself before', kissed her (as the fire on Ayda's head swelled out and she became uninvisible), and tried to skateboard away behind a tree, peaking out to see what Ayda thought of it.

Slinked out from behind the tree, apologizing and admitting all of it terrified her before Ayda asked for another kiss.

Admited she started the whole party so Ayda would stick around.

Made out with Ayda until a bit before dawn and tried very hard to get Ayda to stay

Gave Ayda the ear cuff from her left ear which has blood on it (Ayda replied that she will treasure it and can use it)

Went back to Hollyhill to find her drunk friends before locking herself in the room with the hot tub and was still kinda pruney the next day

Name drops Grover to the wood elves, explaining that he offered to let them stay there (to try and deescalate things with the rangers)

Shook hands with Nuathura the Fox

Was honest to the wood elves (that the group were going into the Nightmare Forest), resulting in the rangers pulling back their bowstrings (and her backtracking)

Random note: Try to contact your warlock patron Fig!!!

Burned 1 or 2 luck points to keep a perceptive Riz from finding out that she made out with Ayda

Found a charred handprint in the shrine of thorns and recognized it as the same one her magic left at the top of briars and that the vines took somewhere

Lied to Tracker and Kristen, saying she was up by the briars working on song

Used burning hands again, causing the fire to spread into a stretching oval shaped burning doorway

Was served a burning scroll by Vraz the Mean on behalf of the regnant of Sloth

Ayda

Was invited to the party (which the group decided to have immediately, starting at 1 or 2 in the morning)

Stood in a corner looking around awkwardly before/during the party before following Fig out

Thought nonsense was bad, but Fig showed her that it could also be good and made her willing to try it

To Fig about disguising herself "Uh... yeah. That's interesting. I... can't understand that because if I was you, I wouldn't want to be anyone else because you're... very exceptional."

On Fig saying that she was different than Ayda thought she was "Being mistaken about the nature of something and discovering its true nature is my favorite thing in the world to do."

Turned herself and Fig invisible (look like a translucent version of themselves, like a pale outline to each other) and flew to the briar wall to give Fig a closer look.

Lit with Fig in the low looped saddle of two treetrunks that were fused together right next to the briar wall

Ayda's flaming hair and wings still cast a dull glow on her surroundings, even while invisible

Complemented Fig on her magic

Analyzed the wall and saw it was a very powerful and old abjuration (keeping them out but also keeping other things in) keyed to powerful devils (arcons, princes, and monarchs) where even dimension door would cause all roads and pathways to lead them back out.

Thorns tried to attack her

Thinks that everything Fig has done has been cool

"We all have a nasty legacy, in one way or another."

Laughed with a squawk

Spent a lot of lifetimes building Compass Points Library

Is part phoenix, so when she dies, she comes back but with no memory from her previous incarcerations. She left extensive notes and instructions for herself. This incarnation is 17 years old, but an Ayda has been on Leviathan for a little over 150 years

On why she never just reinvents herself when she reincarnates "Every time I come back, I don't know anything and I guess I trust the versions of me that knew more? I don't have a lot of self confidence and I don't... want... to make mistakes."

Said she could die when she goes back to Leviathan attempting to shut down the library as it's a dangerous city.

"The future's never guaranteed. We don't have anything but today and even that might get cut short."

Said she had information for Fig, but would only share it if Fig signed a contract (on ancient wizard scroll held in a binder that turns into bright fire and whips up into her palm when signed) that stated that Fig wont make any inference based on the information or think anything judgemental or critical of her. The information is "At any waking moment outside of combat that you and I have been together, if you had tried to kiss me on the mouth, it would have been received favorably."

Said Fig's contract was less of a contract and more of a threat

After Fig ran to hide behind a tree, she asked if it's normal for people to run away after that (kissing)

Shed firy tears over Fig starting a party so she would stay, admitting parties frighten and terrify her, but she stuck around because Fig was there

"In this version of my life, this is the greatest moment of it."

Enthusiasticly initiated their 3rd kiss

Said the library meant a lot to many past hers (her current incarnation and 3 others)

Offered to research plane shift for Fig at no charge and said that people ask things of her, but even if she cared about them, they never cared about her (save Fig who does care which makes it different and that's exciting)

Pulled out a firy feather with a squawk and handed it to Fig (if Fig holds if aloft and says her name, she will know)

Said if anything happened to Fig in the nightmare forest, she would "... start over" because she would never be able to forgive herself

Said she would go back to Leviathan to research Plane Shift and would return after that, intending to shrink the library later

"Goodbye for now. By the nine winds and the seven stars and all the secret names of the earth and beyond, I shall see you again. This is my vow." (resulting in Fig replying "Fuck yeah [is/that's] my vow." and Ayda saying "God you're great and cool. Goodbye!")

Sandra Lynn

Was more affectionate with Gilear than she had been the rest of the trip

Left Hangman in charge while she slept in the van

Spoke to the wood elves and Nuathura on behalf of the teens (while they slept til 1pm)

Gilear

Was trying to move the van to get ready for the teleport to Leviathan early that morning. Had the van in neutral with the door open when he tried to let his feet skim over the morning dew on the grass. He had put his apple in his mouth to shift when his trousers caught in the axle of the wheel, tearing them and sucking him under the left wheel well (WHY DIDN'T VAN SAY ANYTHING to anyone!???)

Really had to pee even before he got stuck and only made it 10 minutes before he gave up

The apple was jammed into his mouth (and later covered in ants). He couldn't bite through it because it was pressed against the carriage of the van and he couldn't scream to loud because ants would get in his mouth

Overheard the dance and spent most of his day sweating and crying

Was found later that night, still caught in the front left wheel well, covered in rubber residue and oil, with a browing ant covered apple in his mouth

Didn't need medical attention, but admitted that he did piss himself while under there

Got a hug from Kristen, Gorgug took his apple and tossed it, and Fabian tried to be nice to him about Hallariel not noticing him missing until Gilear asked for an honest response, which he answered with "Of course not Gilear, don't be dumb!" to which Riz said "Guys, he's not dumb; he's just pathetic." (Also found out Hallariel ate all his yogurt)

Adaine mended one of the tears in his pants, but then said "I'm not gonna mend your piss pants, here's another pair." and gave him new ones from her jacket followed by a boot cut pair of pants, Chelsea boots, denim vest, chambray embroidered shirt, and a beret. The kids (including Fabian) approved of his new look. His favorite part of the outfit was the beret.

Said he preferred pants with very narrow ankles and a wide front and back carriage to the seat

Fig told him that she loved him and apologized for not realizing where he was

The teens gave him one hot tub to himself

Was given a massage by Sandra Lynn while laying on one of the day beds in one of the public rooms (when she told him that he needed to make it a part of his routine, he responded that he was extremely broke)

Slept in the van that night

Spoke to the wood elves and Nuathura on behalf of the teens (while they slept til 1pm)

Decided to make sandwiches for everyone for their trip and looked a little different than normal, stood up straighter, and was wearing his new outfit

Baxter

Sat on a branch on top of Hollyhill and slept outside

Grabbed Kristen and Tracker in his claws while Fig and Sandra Lynn road on his back to Shrine of Thorns

Van

Left inside fenced in area at Hollyhill (can't cast fly on him)

Hallow extends out 60 feet from him, so the kids camped outside on matresses from the house

Hangman

Was left in charge during the party, but told the kids "No rules."

In the middle of a dramatic speech defending Gorgug, the tinkerers jumped on him (to examine him with their artificers glasses), resulting in him very much wanting to run them over

***

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[sobbingdistantnoises]

OKAY OKAY. THE WAIT. SONG ORIGINALLY BY KILLING JOKE BUT ALSO COVERED BY METALLICA.

(Note from in the middle of writing this: long essay ahead apparently, read at your own risk)

(Note from after I finished: it is genuinely really long, I'm sorry if you decide to read this for some reason)

James sounds so QUIET on Metallica's cover version of it??? I was honestly so confused about whether it was even him at first despite common sense saying it was, HELP. He sounds really distorted too, especially at the start?? It's kind of interesting, not sure whether I like it though.

And the bass is so loud too (especially in the remastered version, I don't think that's as true for the original, but also I'm unsure) which is really interesting because it's not usually THAT LOUD; it was what the comments section was talking about too, like woah. There's these parts at about 1:38 and 2:41 (along a bunch of other fun bass moments at other timestamps) which have these really cool bass lines too. They're honestly pretty short, but I love the flair they add to the song?? Especially since Metallica's main riff part's high note things doesn't jump out as much as the original version does, it's probably the best part of the cover, at least for me.

I'd have to say that I personally prefer Killing Joke's version of it though. There's just something about the guitar tone that sounds so robotic (is that the right word??), and I honestly love it. I think someone in Killing Joy's version's comments mentioned something about influencing industrial metal? I've never really listen to any of it, but it definitely sounds industrial if that means anything. I can honestly totally picture it as a theme in some video game as well.

About the vocals in Killing Joy's version, they're not my favorite, but they're there and work nicely with the music. It's mostly the guitar that stands out to me in it, so I honestly didn't pay too much attention, dhkska. The part where the singer keeps saying "the wait" over and over again kinda weirdly reminds me of the way Flotsam and Jetsam's singer sang the chorus of Reaggression though? It's not like I've just listened to the song or anything, so I might be pulling nonexistent strings here, but it's probably the way both songs draw out the chorus in a way that makes it sound slower? Maybe?? I really do not know what I'm talking about; I'm going off pure memory for anything I say about Reaggression.

BUT THE WAY KILLING JOKE'S VERSION ENDS, it kind of stagnates with some glitter-sounding thing a few seconds after the chorus ends, making you think it was gonna end, but then it goes back the main riff and makes you wait (pun :D) for a second longer. And then a final hits thing with the really stacatto-y notes happens, and BAM, it's over, and it sounds really great (and also leaves you with it stuck in your head for the next hour, please help, I'm slightly editing this from after I finished typing stuff so that I sound more coherent and still have it in my head)

But okay okay, to summarize. I personally prefer Killing Joke's version because of the overall vibe it gives that I feel is slightly lost in Metallica's version because the guitars don't feel as punchy (which I feel is especially noticeable when going from Killing Joke's version to Metallica's which is what I did the first time I listened), but Metallica's version did have the really cool and audible bass parts which I did not even know existed when hearing Killing Joy's version, so it still sounds pretty cool when you're not expecting the same exact vibe, which of course isn't gonna 100% happen since they're different bands.

I don't think I'll add this to the list of songs I listen to though, dhjsjs, it sounds cool for like a once in a while thing to hear, but probably not as a regular thing. Which is quite ironic considering the fact that I took the time to write all this about it, but yeah, whoops.

OH RIGHT, PLUS METALLICA ADDED A SHORT SOLO THING; I COMPLETELY DIDN'T NOTICE THEY ADDED THAT UNTIL NOW, OOPS. It sounds pretty cool honestly!! I think it might be a bit slower in comparison to other Metallica solos, like the intro part of the solo to one of the songs they actually wrote (once again going off memory though), but I think that it suits the song pretty well. Not too sure how the same solo would look in the original since the guitar in the original is fairly choppy and not that quick, but it's not in the original, so yeah.

Actual summary apparently: the same thing I said in the previous summary, but add that Metallica's added solo is cool

Tldr: I listened to "The Wait", a song by Killing Joke that was also covered by Metallica, and went insane

[iamcinema]

IAC Reviews #19: Wishbone (2000)

Hey, is anyone still alive out there? I hope so.

Coming off of last year was a disaster, and well, we didn't enter 2021 on the highest of notes. I guess you could say I've been burned out and not having a ton of motivation to do a lot, even with how much I've been grinding on Letterboxd over the past few months. I think I'm ready to come back, and since there's a storm is brewing outside, let's make today a movie night...and boy, do I have a treat for you.

I think I've made it kind of apparent that I have a weakness for terrible, low-budget, trash fires. There's something oddly charming about them where they always find a way to lure me in, and given the scene on Letterboxd, there's a bunch of SOV masochists out there waiting to get their next fix. While digging around for material to cross off my lists on titles to find and add, I was reminded of a terrible, low-budget film that was shot in my hometown over 20 years ago. I'm full of fear for what's to come, and you should be too.

________________________________________

Wishbone is a 2000 horror film directed by Timothy Gaer and co-created by Michael Fasciana, centering on a woman named Laurie who receives an unusual artifact from her eccentric aunt she acquired from a pawn dealer that causes those around her to disappear when they make wishes on it. Hmm, seems simple enough. Let's what we're in for, and I'm absolutely not ready because the IMDb page says this shit is over two hours long, despite a version on Youtube having it just a bit over 90 minutes. Let us pray.

Wishbone in One Gif:

This acting is might be the death of me, but I'm not sure what's going to be the catalyst that causes me to fall down the stairs and break my neck: the sound quality, the weird editing, or the music...oh, god what the fuck is the music doing? So much noise, noise noise!

Okay, so let's dig into this before I take too long of a break and I don't come back to this. I've already had to pause the movie a few times to catch my breath or just rewind and go back because there's a good amount that I keep missing because, apparently, the star of the film is the score and not Laurie. This is so, so slow. I've seen a lot of long horror movies, but at least with those, it feels like things are happening. Even Blood Lake had filler that did something to some degree, and with that, it was consistently bad. This movie doesn't even know what it wants to do. So, as a disclaimer, there's a good chance I'm probably missing some key details that I didn't hear because it seems that characterization isn't important if the music insists on talking over everyone.

________________________________________

So, to date, this might be one of the worst horror movies (and movies in general) that I've ever seen and it might be one of the slowest things in the entire megaverse. This is over 90 minutes of, somehow, nothing and something happening simultaneously - if that makes any sense.

This takes its sweet ass time moving along and there's so little pay-off. The majority of the characters are either nameless or we aren't introduced to them in a way that matters enough for us to care about them. It's kind of like with Violent Shit and other low-budget slasher films where the majority of the characters serve no purpose but to be disposable. Next to the two main leads, Laurie and Joe, and maybe a few others, everyone is just forgettable and even then I couldn't honestly tell you anyone's name if it was explicitly brought up. IMDb isn't helpful either, and at this point it just makes me care even less. I'm not sure if my patience has been tested too much with this, but it's kind of sad that I'm more invested in seeing what the background characters are doing than Laurie and Joe - even though I can't really hear what the hell they're saying.

Yeah, I really can't move on without talking about the sound and the music. Why is it always the audio with these movies? This has an estimated budget of $100,000, or $154,779.43 today in August 2021. How do you have the ability to somehow not make this look like a potato for the most part, well for the day shots that is, but you don't have it in you to get a good mic and someone who knows how to mix and edit correctly? I would sort of understand if you spent the majority of the money on talent to cut corners, but this is just ridiculous. Did they use the cameras' built-in mics to catch the audio here?

I feel like I need to interrupt the movie constantly to tell them to speak up because if I turn up the volume, I'm just getting bombarded with this really weird soundtrack that doesn't fit. I shit you not, during one of the kill scenes, the music booming over it sounds like it was ripped from Kevin MacLeod's "lounge" library and then the reverse happens where ominous music is playing over a more touching scene - and that's not even a dig at Kevin as an artist. That's just how inappropriate and unfitting this editing is. The weird fucking thing about this specific kill scene is that it sounds like the audio is stacked, so there are two different instrumental tracks going on.

How do you fuck something as basic as tension up like that? The audio choices are so painfully inconsistent and it doesn't know what it wants to do. There are moments where you can hear the dialogue just fine, but then the music comes in out of nowhere to segway us into the next scene and it starts to muffle things out. If it isn't that, then the dialogue is just so soft that you'd think there was a pillow on the mic or we're hearing them from the opposite side of a sound-dampened room.

This is what I meant earlier when I said I apologize in advance if I miss anything crucial because I can't make out half of these conversations. So, I'm having to keep going back if I care enough or just having to pause and take breaks because there's only so much I can handle. This means that there's a good amount I'll blank on because I have to keep going back because I can't remember the majority of these no-named characters. Who the fuck are you people? Why am I supposed to care?

If I'm understanding the non-existent rules of the wishbone, you're connected to whoever dies in some way. So, why is any of this relevant to what's going on? If it's random, then it's another reason for me not to care just because some frat kids made a wish at some point. Again, who the hell are you and why am I supposed to lament over them? Why is there so much useless filler here? Did I mention that this is over 90 minutes long and there are *three* fucking party scenes? Party scenes are to Wishbone as ten-minute-long jetskiing and beer game scenes are to Blood Lake.

Oh, speaking of other shit that's annoying. Let's talk about general editing because the sound isn't the only thing that's a mess here.

I swear that almost every single scene in this ends with a fade-out/fade-in shot. Only one or two scenes come to mind where this doesn't happen, and the first time it did I thought my browser was freezing because it abruptly cut to black and then smash cuts to a party scene. I've never, ever seen a movie that abused this that much before and it's on par with something I would have seen made by a bunch of high school kids. So, when we have a moment where this doesn't happen and it plays out normally, it feels like a breath of fresh air. I'm sure this movie's run time could have been shaved down by at least a minute or two if this wasn't a problem, along with all the useless close-up shots that serve nothing to the plot.

It's such a waste of time. I'm so fucking tired. How was this movie's budget $100k? Did they spend most of it on renting the Scranton Police Department for a few shots or did it go towards their impromptu trip to Party City? I'm so tired and I don't care anymore.

Do you want to know what the real kicker is? With just barely twenty minutes left, the whole lore about the monkey's wishbone paw comes back and that's when Laurie and her friend Karen think something is weird. Isn't this whole realization trope that happens within the first or second act, not now with your Great Value brand version of the Dream Warriors?

Also, it's not specified how much time has gone by since the start, but it has to have been at least a week or two. It's incredibly weird how they paint the main characters and the unnamed background ones as such good friends that they don't think it's weird how almost all of them have disappeared - especially one girl who doesn't seem off-put that her boyfriend (or ex) disappeared after getting into an argument at one of the parties and none of his friends could reach him either at his own house.

The final showdown is an utter pain in the ass to get through because the conflict ends as abruptly as it starts and it's so unsatisfying. We get to see the face of our villain, I guess, and then more or less cut to our leads holding hands down the street set to the same looping lounge music we've been dealing with for over 90 damn minutes. Is everyone else who went with them dead? Did they live? Who cares! That's one thing the movie and I can agree on since we never see them again. We end on a shitty cliffhanger that's supposed to prepare us for a sequel, which thankfully never happened.

________________________________________

And that was Wishbone. Holy fucking shit, I've never been so thankful for a movie to be over in my life. It's 11:07 PM as of tinkering with some minor revisions and I've been in purgatory with this for over five hours, and yet, it feels like an entire lifetime has gone by.

I've raved about how bad Blood Lake was with its incredibly bad pacing, but this is next level awful and a testament to bad filmmaking if I've ever seen it. I expect a lot of the things I complained about from super amateur filmmakers who are shooting on an actual shoestring budget, not people who had that much money to fuck around with. How did they have that kind of a budget, and the most they can give us is bad audio, Windows Movie Maker levels of basic editing, three wrap parties, and a few crumbs of gore that we could see?

This was physically painful to see and I'm in much worse shape having endured it than I would have been if I sat through something liked Boardinghouse, and that has a two-and-a-half-hour-long version tied to it. This is just a marvel and I mean that in a so-bad-it's-bad way, not like how SOV enthusiasts who love this stuff pine over. If I had to give one thing going for it, one single granule of gold that I enjoyed from this, it's the limited shots we get of the area so I could make a game out of seeing what local spots I recognized. If playing I Spy is the only way for someone to endure your movie, then I don't know what else to say.

Wishbone is a hot mess where shit's happening, but also nothing is happening at the same time. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. In fact, I wish this movie never existed or would die in the ether and never return to our mortal realm ever again. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go have a smoke and hope I don't get run over by a hearse tomorrow.

RATING: 0.5/10

[mittensmorgul]

I'm so sorry if this sounds ignorant, and I'm sure you're tired of explaining it, but do views or "hits" on Ao3 mean anything? Because i'll see the posts about authors needing kudos and comments (which i understand completely) but i'll also see the view count and i'm like "but it's got so many hits, just go by that too!" So what goes into an author truly knowing how well they're doing?

Hi there! And yeah, I’ve explained how this works before, but I’m always happy to explain it again. Because it bears repeating. :)

Hits on AO3 mean very little. Someone clicks through to the fic, reads the tags and summary, maybe the first few paragraphs of a novel-length fic, and then nopes out without finishing. It still registers a hit.

Writing a multi-chapter fic posted in weekly installments that has a significant following? Yeah, hits are also meaningless here, because every time you post a new installment and all your dedicated readers click through to read the next chapter? They each register new hits. They’re not UNIQUE viewers to the entire fic, yet it can still look that way in the hit counter. And if it’s a 50 chapter fic that posts over the course of a whole year? The “compound” hits really start to add up, despite each of those unique readers only being able to leave 1 kudos (albeit multiple comments, if they so desire).

If something we post generates a thousand hits but only 100 kudos, it can start to feel like a lot of readers may not have bothered to read to the end, you know? If I make it to the end of a fic, I hit the kudos button. It takes literally one second, and in my mind it’s the equivalent of saying, “Thank you for writing this and posting it for free for my enjoyment.”

I personally don’t have the “false hits equivalency” problem that writers who post WIP’s do, because I always post complete works. Even when I’ve tried to post serially, I end up giving up after a few days and just going ahead and posting the entire thing. I tried to do that with Ultraviolet, posting a chapter a day, and lasted five whole days before just posting the rest all at once. I have no patience for drawing things out unnecessarily. :P

As a result, the hits count on it are artificially inflated:

2269 hits as of today, when I posted it back at the end of June. But heck, there’s more than 10% kudos-to-hits ratio, so even considering that I know a number of people had been reading along as I posted the first five chapters, that’s still a pretty decent average. Believe it or not, that’s considered to be fairly excellent as a hits-to-kudos ratio.

Now on to the thing I just posted a few days ago, Dean’s Days Off. I posted it all at once (note the posting date):

That’s a lot of hits, considering I can assume that most of them are not redundant, with the same readers clicking back through to read a new chapter. Still, even working under the assumption that A LOT of those are unique hits from different people, I’m left with the assumption that less than 20% of them actually read all the way to the end, because of the kudos.

This theory works FOR NOW, because this is a new story. I doubt many people have had a chance (even if they loved it and intend to read it again someday-- which is just wishful thinking on my part, but whatever) have had a chance to go back and read it again already, you know? So these are largely most probably original hits. But over time, there may be a fair few people who return to read it again and CAN’T leave kudos again. The hits-to-kudos ratio will inevitably drop over time.

Plus there’s also the factor in the other direction-- readers who click through and then download the story (I always do this with fic I love, partly because it’s easier to read on my kindle, but also because I’ve see too much fic I love get taken down by the authors, and I like to make sure I have a copy in case that ever happens). I have fic I’ve reread NUMEROUS times, but the author has no way of knowing how much I adore their writing in that case UNLESS I EXPLICITLY TELL THEM.

AO3 doesn’t keep statistics for downloads. Unless a reader tells me, I have no idea that they may have downloaded my story to read again. It doesn’t even generate another hit in that case, you know?

In any case, kudos, comments, OR hits-- none of them is a perfect gauge for readership. Hits may be meaningless. I think 3 of the hits for T&S were generated by me-- one of which was me noping out within a page or two of starting because there was no way in hell I was gonna keep reading, and two of which were unlabeled links to the effect of, “OMG I JUST READ THIS THING AND I NEED A MOMENT TO RECOVER,” which is an intriguing sort of post where the words “THIS THING” were a link to it... I had no idea, but lo and behold, I generated a “hit” to it. >.>

I’ve clicked on fic recs that from the description in the post sounded right up my alley, only to see something in the tags on AO3 that made me nope out of reading, or got a short way in to the story before realizing it just wasn’t my thing and closing out. All of that generates hits. Meaningless, meaningless hits.

I have opened fic, decided to “Mark For Later” so I can open it again and read it when I’m in the right mood, or when I have time to devote to it, or whatever. I have A LOT of fic Marked For Later. Still, opening it to mark it and add it to my list generates a hit. It’ll generate another hit when I do eventually go back and read it. Possibly generating another hit when I open it yet again trying to remember if I’ve read it... 

Or the worst-- I’ve had the thing open in a tab for two weeks hoping to find the time to read it, and every time Chrome refreshes the page (because Chrome does that) it generates a new hit... I kinda feel guilty about that...

Hits are ultimately meaningless.

Kudos at least have SOME meaning. A unique reader read the entire thing, got all the way to the end, and felt good enough about reading it to hit what essentially amounts to the THANK YOU NICE WRITER PERSON button.

Some people are willing to spend a little more time writing a comment. Anything from a “Thank you for writing this” to “Oh gosh I love this story, and xyz was my favorite!” all the way to leaving a running commentary on every chapter or a five paragraph book review at the end. Or heck, just an incoherent keysmash with a bunch of exclamation points.

Or one of my personal favorites, “I just read this again and can’t leave more kudos, so have this

I don’t understand the resistance to clicking the kudos button if you read the entire story and derived any enjoyment from it whatsoever. If you’re embarrassed about it, you can always log out of AO3 and leave kudos anonymously. No one will ever know it was you. :P

But I’ve had people ask me this before, wondering why they should even BOTHER hitting Kudos, and it’s like... you read this entire story, for the low low cost of zero dollars, and can’t be fussed to even click the Instant Thank You Button? That’s... shocking and frustrating as a writer. Some of my longer fic may have taken me HUNDREDS of hours to write, edit, etc. And it doesn’t merit half a second of time to click a button. I mean, sure, Dean’s Days Off is kinda short compared to some of my other work, but it still represents about 80 hours of my life. I spent about 80 hours working on that story. I spent several hundred hours working on Revenge of the Subtext. And even more than that working on Around the World in 24 Days. That’s a lot of hours. Can I get half a second of your time as an acknowledgement that it was worth it?

If I make it to the end of a story of any length, that’s automatically kudos. Job well done, Writer Person. You have suitably entertained me.

I admit that I am still personally weirded out by leaving comments, but I do try and force myself to, especially if it’s a longer work. I get this OH GOSH PLEASE DON’T LOOK AT ME BUT YOU HAVE GIVEN ME FEEEEELINGS mentality about leaving comments. I turn into Dean Winchester and clam up. I TOTALLY GET THAT REACTION to leaving comments. That’s why the kudos button exists in the first place. No embarrassment required. Just a Thank You that writers can acknowledge in a measurable way. Unlike hits, which honestly we have no idea how many of them even read past the introduction let alone the entire story.

I wish there were some more accurate metric for calculating just how well received our works are, but really this is all we have. We don’t have bestseller lists. Our readers don’t have to pay for our work. Leaving kudos or liking our tumblr posts is great, and lets us know at least our followers appreciate what we’ve written. Leaving comments is fantastic because we can share the joy, answer questions, reply to theories y’all have about our stories (heck nothing is better to me than having someone meta-analyze my writing! I LOVE THAT AND WOULD LOVE TO SQUEE WITH JOY AT YOU!). Reblogging our tumblr posts is like the ultimate recommendation. It says not only someone read and enjoyed what we wrote, but wants other people to find the thing too.That’s how we find new readers, especially if the post ends up tagged with stuff like, “OMG THIS WAS SO EXCELLENT!” or whatever. Damn near makes my week. :P

But if we post something, even if it gets tons of hits, if no one bothers to hit the kudos button at the end, it can very quickly start to feel like maybe nobody ever read all the way to the end, so why even bother...

I probably shouldn’t have turned this into an essay, but since that seems to be my trademark, I guess I’ll just go ahead and post it...

[otcbreakingnews]

Credit, Debt, and You

This podcast was recorded on Jan. 30, 2016.  Gaby Lapera: Hello everyone! Welcome to Industry Focus, the podcast that dives into a different sector of the stock market every day. You're listening to the financials edition, recorded today on Monday, January 30th, 2017. My name is Gaby Lapera, and joining me on Skype is Dan Caplinger, personal finance guru extraordinaire at The Motley Fool. Hey Dan, how's it going?Dan Caplinger: I'm good, Gaby, how are you doing today?Lapera: I am good. I'm trying to keep upbeat because today's topic is very depressing. (laughs) Today, we're going to talk about debt and credit. Just so you know, debt plagues Americans. We were talking about this earlier, Dan, so I know you know, but our listeners might not, so I'm going to throw out a few statistics here. About 15% of Americans think they're going to die in debt. About 60% of Americans could not cover an unexpected expense of $500. 34% have $0 in savings, and another 35% have $1,000 or less but more than $0. The average amount of student loan debt is somewhere between $31,000 and $37,000 depending on your source. The average amount of mortgage debt is about $170,000, which I guess isn't that much of you think about houses. But today, we're going to talk about credit card debt. The average American household has about $5,700 in credit card debt. However, if you are a household that carries a balance -- which means that you don't pay off everything you owe on the credit card every month -- the average amount of debt that you have is about $16,000. That's a lot of money! Caplinger: It's a lot.Lapera: Yeah, those are a lot of facts and figures I just threw out. It's crazy, that's a lot of money.Caplinger: $16,000, yeah. When you think about what the median income for a typical household is -- something like $50,000 -- you're talking about, even if you took every penny that you brought in and did nothing: didn't eat, didn't pay for your house, didn't drive anywhere, you would still be spending months just getting that debt paid off.Lapera: Yeah. And what's even crazier is that the average interest rate on a credit card is 15.2%. So, a lot of that payment would be going to interest, it wouldn't even be paying down the principal.Caplinger: Absolutely right.Lapera: So, let's talk a little about how we get there. How do you get to $16,000 in debt? Apparently about 38% of All American households have some sort of credit card debt, maybe not $16,000 but some sort of debt. I think, let's start with one that's common way, it's a little controversial, which is living paycheck to paycheck, so, spending all of your money every paycheck, as opposed to putting some away for unexpected expenses. The reason I say this is controversial is because I know that not everyone can afford to live their life differently, other than paycheck to paycheck. Some people just don't make enough money to live any other way. But there are plenty of people in America who do make more than enough money for their needs, and they're still spending frivolously.Caplinger: Yeah. And that's a lot of how you end up in that paycheck to paycheck situation. And credit cards actually make it easier, in some ways. When you're really stretching to make that paycheck last as long as you can, if you still have that credit card and those last couple of days are coming up and you spent big early on, right after you got your check, then it's tempting to cover the difference with that credit card. That's how a lot of people start the ball rolling in terms of getting those big credit card balances you're talking about.Lapera: Yeah. One of the things you could do to prevent this is make a budget and stick to it. Make a reasonable budget, I should say, and stick to that. (laughs) I don't think anyone needs to spend $500 a month on pizza unless you have a family of 24 and you're making $1 million a month. (laughs) But, you know what I mean? Some people make budgets, like, I have seen line items on some of my friends' budgets where it's like, "What? How do you think you're going to spend so much money every month on going to the movies? And you also have three movie streaming services, and you pay for cable. Do you really need all of those methods to consume media? Probably not."Caplinger: Yeah, interestingly, a lot of credit cards will actually help you come up with a budget that will give you a spending history and break it down by category, so you can actually see how much you're spending at restaurants, how much you're spending on movies, utilities, any category that you're using that card for, you can actually use it to your advantage to figure out, "Do I really need to be spending this much on this? Maybe not," and that could free up money to pay down that balance and get rid of some of that interest and get yourself out of debt that much faster.Lapera: Yeah, it's really cool, I just got my year-end credit card reports from my banks, and I just spent 20 minutes going over them, looking at all the miscellaneous things that I had spent money on. I spent a lot of money on Lyft rides this year. (laughs) Or, I guess, last year now. That's the peril of living in a city with questionable public transportation. So, another thing: maybe you're already living paycheck to paycheck and you have money on your credit card, and some people just don't pay their credit cards off at all, which is a really bad move. Not paying your credit card is never going to get you out of debt.Caplinger: Yeah, it's a triple hit. Not only do you not get out of debt, but you pay the interest on what you didn't pay, you'll pay a late fee or non-payment fee to the credit card, and, as we'll talk about later on, you rip your credit score to shreds, too. So, it's a whole bunch of bad things that come up. It always makes sense, at the very least, to get that minimum payment in to avoid all those excess charges.Lapera: Yeah, absolutely. You would be surprised by how common this is. Every year, people write stories about credit card debt, and there's always at least one person who is interviewed in these stories who is like, "I didn't realize I needed to pay the money back. I thought it was just money they were giving me." Which is mind-blowing. I don't know how they got to that point, but I have a feeling it has something to do with some bankers who were not very honest with the terms of the agreement. But, it happens, for sure. But, you mentioned something else, which is only making the minimum payment. It's better than doing nothing, but it's not great, either.Caplinger: No. Even when you just make the minimum payment -- the way those minimum payments are set up, it doesn't really pay that much more than what your interest charge is. If you're making a $25 minimum payment, you might have $20 of that going just to pay that 15.9% you were talking about earlier. That only lets you cut that balance by $5 a month. The way the math works out, it can take years, like 10 years or more, to get to the point where your minimum balance has actually paid off that amount. And that's assuming you don't go out and run up more charges in the interim.Lapera: Yeah, absolutely. Just to back up a little bit, credit card companies or your bank or whoever it is that owns you debt tells you how much you have to pay at a minimum every month in order not to get a late fee. If you pay less than that, they'll smack you with some sort of fee. And that's what your minimum payment is. So, you're making your minimum payments, and here's another mistake that people make, they add on a lot of unnecessary debt. Dan, you were telling me before the show started that households before the holidays, their credit card was around $16,000, which is that national figure we were talking about. After holidays, the credit card debt increased by $1,073. That's a lot of money.Caplinger: On average. When you have these holiday expenses that come up, whether it's traveling to family or buying presents or doing shopping, whatever it is, it's tempting. You have those expenses and you have to cover them. A lot of people don't have the income to cover that at that point. So it's tempting to just add that to the total and figure, "OK, after the holidays are done, I'll resolve to get that paid down." But, yeah, a lot of people get a holiday bump in terms of how much debt they have on their credit card.Lapera: Yeah. And as terrible as it is to not really celebrate whatever holiday you have going on, it's not really 100% a necessary expense for you to buy presents for people or to travel that year. It's a not-safe-for-work word, it's terrible, it's no fun, but it's a place where you can cut expenses.Caplinger: It is. The other thing is that you can also pre-plan for it. You know what your holiday plans are going to be. If you set aside a certain amount of money from your check every two weeks, or every month, starting in January or February, and you accumulate that over the course of the year, then you'll have a nest egg at the end of the year and you don't have to dip into your credit card, you don't have to add to your credit card debt in order to do it. With an anticipated expense like holiday stuff, that's more than a reasonable thing to do, because you can get a sense of it. It's not like there's going to be an emergency where you didn't know the holidays were going to be coming up. You know exactly what your expectations are, and you can plan for them.Lapera: That's a really good point. Also, if you're like me, I really hate buying presents for people, so whenever I see a present that will work for someone for the holidays, I buy it even if it's the middle of June and I stash away. That way, I don't have to worry about it in December. That will also help you pre-plan expenses, hopefully. Plus, it might make your life easier come December. Holiday tips with the Industry Focus gang! So, another way that people can get in trouble with their debt is not understanding the terms of their debt. This is something I've seen that's common among people my age, weirdly enough -- they don't understand what the interest payment is on their credit cards.Caplinger: Yeah. It's sometimes labeled the finance charge, sometimes it's labeled something else. It's not always really clear. Plus, the rates tend to change a lot. Different credit card companies are better or worse in showing you, "This was your average balance, this is the current interest rate, do the math, this is how much interest your account accumulated during this particular month, this is your minimum payment, so this, after you make your minimum payment, if that's what you do, here's what the balance is going to be left." Some card companies have actually gotten better about doing this in response to calls from consumer advocates to do something to help solve this problem. But not all of the banks are on board with it yet. So sometimes you have to do your own homework to know what those terms are. In addition, you have a whole span of fees, whether it's late fees, over account limit fees, and a whole host of other things that you can end up having to pay for just by making simple mistakes, avoidable mistakes, if you just knew those traps were out there, you could easily avoid them. But a lot of people don't even know that they're out there.Lapera: Yeah, it's all about reading the fine print, especially if you get your credit card from a bank, which I think most people do. A lot of them have all sorts of fees, and they're not technically hidden, they're in the fine print, or maybe the agent told you while you were applying for the credit card. For example, you have to keep a certain balance in your savings account, and you have to keep a debit card open as well so that they don't charge you for any of the accounts, or something like that. It's about reading the fine print.Caplinger: It's all there, somewhere. It's just that most people don't go to the trouble of reading that big long book, or the piece of paper that you need a magnifying glass to read to see all the things you might end up having to pay for.Lapera: I read that, on average, the length of the average credit card agreement is about 44 pages. (laughs) That's a lot of pages!Caplinger: A little lite reading for you.Lapera: "Lite" in the fact that they make the print so tiny that it doesn't seem very long. So, we talked a little bit about credit card debt, how you might get there. Let's talk about something that's related to that, which is credit scores. Dan, why are credit scores important?Caplinger: Credit scores have become increasingly important because, basically, if you ever need to get financing for something, whether at the house, a car, or even basic consumer loans, it's important to have a good credit score so that you can have any chance of getting that loan in the first place. In addition, even once you climb above the barrier for getting the loan at all -- the higher your credit score is, the better your terms are likely to be. If you have a really good credit score, not only would you maybe be able to get offers and take advantage of offers that other people wouldn't even receive, but your interest rate might be lower, you might be eligible for bigger credit card rewards, the terms of the repayment might be easier for you. You get some rewards, you get some benefits, from doing the work to get your credit score as strong as it can be.Lapera: Right. You might be wondering who comes up with the credit scores and how are they calculated? There's three credit bureaus, which is Equifax, TransUnion, and Experian. They all use the same basic factors to get your credit score. Some of them weight some more or less. But, by working on those credit factors you can improve your credit score. The one that, in general, holds the most weight is how on time you are with your payments. Editor's note: Credit scores range from 300 to 850. Higher credit scores are better. Caplinger: Yeah. Having a good payment history is really important. That's where you get back into those terms. You need to understand when those payments are due. You have to make sure that you give enough lead time so that when you make that payment it's going to credit on time, so you're not charged with a late payment. That way, you won't have to pay that fee, but you also won't get that ding on the credit report that hurts this amount, because your payment history makes up about 35% of what your credit score is. So, getting in the habit of being on time with those payments, it can be a really big boost if you've had bad payment history in the past. Getting that fixed will see that score bump up a really large amount.Lapera: Yeah, even if it's just a minimum payment, it's a really important thing to be on time. The next most important thing, probably -- because they don't actually release exactly how they figure out the formula, but in general, people have figured this is about what it is -- is the percentage of the utilized credit limit. This is the combination of every line of credit that you have, how much you're using it. Say you have two credit cards and one has a limit of $1,000 and one has a limit of $2,500, so the total is $3,500. It's how much you use out of that entire amount.Caplinger: Yeah. You hear people talking about, "I'm almost maxed out on my credit cards," and usually that's a bad sign in terms of this part of the scoring. If you have most of the credit that you have been extended, if you're using all of that up, and you already have debt of that amount, it means you really don't have that much left to borrow, and the credit scoring bureaus are going to say, "Boy, that seems risky. That means you don't have that much more capacity to borrow, and you owe a lot compared to what credit card companies and other lenders are willing to give you in the first place." That adds up to a more troubling situation than somebody who has a couple hundred dollars on their credit cards, but they have thousands of dollars of credit limit. For them, they're not very concerned, because they haven't really used up much of their credit at all.Lapera: Yeah. So, there's two ways to attack this. One is to spend less. The other is to get your lines of credit increased, which can be tempting fruit for some people, because they're like, "Oh, I have a bigger credit limit, that means I can spend more money." But, the idea is, if you increase your credit limit, then the amount that you spend regularly will be a smaller percentage of that. So, one of the ways you can do this is, if you do have a good record with your credit card company -- so, again, if you already have a good credit score, sometimes it gets in a self-perpetuating loop -- you can ask your bank to bump up your limit. I know, some banks, you can ask for that online, you don't even have to go into a branch anymore.Caplinger: Yeah. Or, the customer service lines, you can call in on the phone and they can sometimes be helpful as well.Lapera: Yeah. And sometimes they just raise your credit limit just because you have been a good customer for a long time. That happens on occasion. They'll just send you a letter saying, "Hey, it's more."Caplinger: But be careful. A lot of times, when a bank makes that decision, it's based on the expectation that you're the sort of person who is going to take advantage of that by spending up toward that higher credit limit. So, really, the most important thing about managing your credit cards is knowing yourself, and knowing what your predilections are. If you're going to be tempted, if that temptation is going to be too much to resist, then you have to think about that, and you have to manage things accordingly.Lapera: Yeah, definitely. I've heard multiple people, also my age, say that they don't trust themselves with a credit card, so they don't have one. It's one of those things that, when I hear that, I'm like, "Ugh, you're shooting yourself in the foot for if you ever want a loan!" But, I mean, that is a deep knowledge of oneself that a lot of people don't have. So, I don't know how to feel about it.Caplinger: It's hard. You're better off having a credit card than not having it in terms of building up a healthy credit history. But like you say, if it's a potential addiction, you might be better off staying totally clear, rather than having it and misusing it.Lapera: Yeah. I want to make a little side note here. The easiest way to build credit is via a credit card, because it's easier to get them something like a home loan or an auto loan. You can build credit on those things, but generally you're going to have to have someone co-sign on a loan with you. So, it'll go on your credit score, it'll also go on the other person's credit score. So, keep that in mind, if you were thinking about co-signing a loan with someone to help them out, to help them start building credit, that debt also goes in your name. So, it can impact your credit score as well. So, in general, credit cards are the easiest way to build up. But I think, Dan, you were saying that student loans also go toward credit scores, right?Caplinger: Yeah. A lot of people, their first exposure to debt is when they go to college and they need to borrow money in order to pay their tuition and their room and board and that kind of thing. With most student loans, they're in the student's name, versus the ones that are in the parent's names. Student loans for the student use that student's social security number, goes on the student's credit history. Some of those loans, like you said, even if they're co-signed by parents, if it's in a student's name, it's the student that's on the hook for it. If you're in that situation, take those student loan payments seriously, because they might be the foundation on which you're building up a healthy credit score, if you manage your debt well. Lapera: Yeah, which brings us back to our next metric, which is how many lines of credit you have. That includes auto loans, mortgages, student loans, and credit cards. The more different types you have, and the greater in number they are, the better your credit score.Caplinger: That's right. That's generally right. What lenders want to see it's like you're able to handle different kinds of debt. Whether that's a fixed-payment kind of debt like a car loan, where you have a set amount that you pay every month, or a home mortgage, a fixed mortgage where you pay that set amount every month, as well as the variable amounts you would pay on credit cards, that gives a more complete picture of how credit-worthy you are.Lapera: Yeah. Again, this is kind of the double edged sword. Because you could take out a bunch of different kinds of credit. But of course, that means you'll have a bunch of different ways to get into debt. And that's part of the thing they're measuring -- your capacity to be in debt, because that makes you a good customer, because they know you will be paying at least the principal and probably interest payments, if you're the average American, as well, and that's how banks and credit card companies make money. Number four is the length of your credit history. There is no way to game the system on this one. You just have to have a line of credit for as long as possible. The longer you have credit, the better your credit score. The only way, if you really want to try and to help someone else, if you have kids, you can open a credit card in their name and your name and pay money to pay off the bill every month, and that will help them. That's actually what my parents did for me. Thanks Mom and Dad!Caplinger: Yeah, the one strategy you can use here, it comes up when people are thinking about closing out a credit card. A lot of time, you might have a credit card and you don't really use it that much anymore, and you think, "I have a better card," maybe the old card is just a plain old vanilla credit card where is the new credit card you have gives you mileage, air miles, or points or cash back or something like that. Before you cancel that old card, consider what effect it's going to have on the length of your credit history. If it's your oldest card, if you've had it forever, then sometimes it makes sense to hang on to it and to use it every once in a while in order to��make sure that you maintain that length of credit history and boost up your score a little bit.Lapera: Yeah. You can do that. Other than that, like I said, it's pretty much parents putting the kid's name on their debt, which is a double-edged sword, because if the parents don't pay off the debt, then the kid's credit score gets trashed before they even have a chance to start. Then, the last metric that the credit unions check is hard checks. It's a hard pull on your credit score. This is, for example, if you go to a car dealership and you're going to buy a car, they always check your credit before they offer you the loans, so they know what terms to give you. If you have a lot of those hard pulls on your credit, you're going to be dinged at least a few points, because that means, for whatever reason, you're opening up a lot of debt at the same time.Caplinger: That's really what they're looking for. If you're going out and trying to open three or four new credit card accounts all at the same time, most of the credit card bureaus are going to assume that the reason you're doing that is, you got yourself in trouble and you need a big inflow of credit right now. That's the kind of risk that those bureau want to take a look at closely and flag their customers on so that whoever the last person is to give that new credit card understands, when they're doing it, that this person already just opened up a whole bunch of other things, and to take that into account in making the decision about whether or not to give you that card.Lapera: Yes. So, now you might be asking yourself, how do I get this information? Do I have to pay for it? The answer is no, it's free. There's a couple of different ways to go about getting your credit history, which is also a very vital thing -- you should check it periodically to make sure there's no one expected loans or charges that are under your name that shouldn't be there. But, the other thing is to check your credit score. Dan, I think you do the free report every year with the three bureaus, right?Caplinger: I do. You can go to annualcreditreport.com. It is a government-sponsored site, and it let's you pick, you get your credit report from each of the three reporting bureaus once every year. You can get all three reports at the same time, you can get one now and wait a few months and get the second then wait a few months and get the third, however you want to do it. It will not give you credit scores, it only gives you the credit report. But that will tell you all the sources of credit that you have. It will, like you said, flag up if you see something that you didn't borrow, it will tell you that. It's federally mandated that you have access to that website on an annual basis.Lapera: Yeah. And then there's some other credit reporting sites that, you have to put in your credit card number, and they offered to send you your credit report every month. But since you're entitled to that one free credit report, if you put in your credit card number and cancel it after you get your free credit report -- they're federally mandated to give you at least one free one -- you can also do that. I am going to sound like a corporate shill here for a second, but I promise I'm not getting paid, creditkarma.com. They show you your credit score for TransUnion and Equifax, and you can check it whenever you want. They also give you your credit reports. That's free. You can check it multiple times a month, however many times you want. The way that they make money is through ads. They're like, "We see you have this credit score, have you thought about this credit card, or this type of loan for yourself?" But it's great, because you can monitor your credit score pretty constantly. That's really important for me, because all of my data has been stolen multiple times through the OPM hack. If you're from DC, I'm sure you've heard of it. Even my fingerprints are gone. Someone in China probably has them. I don't know what they're doing with them. It's pretty sad that they have them. (laughs) But, that's why I monitor my credit reports so hawkishly, because I know that it's out there. Most people's are, but I definitely know that mine is. (laughs) So, yeah, do you have anything else you want to say, Dan?Caplinger: It's easy to think that credit is something you take advantage of when you need it, and you're not really thinking about it most of the time. But in order to have that credit available to you when you need it, it actually makes sense to think about these things beforehand, and to think, "If I'm thinking about buying a house a year or two from now, what's my credit score now?" And once I know that, how can I get it higher, so that when the time comes and I actually need the loan, I'm going to be in the best position to get it? Doing that homework can put you in a better position than trying to scramble at the last minute right when you need to get that loan, and you need it right now.Lapera: Definitely. And also, please be careful about getting into debt. Dan, I really love the way that you summarize our episodes at the end. There's a little perfect send-off every time. I also want our listeners to remember that this is not personalized advice, this is general advice. Please don't write to us and ask for personalized advice, because I'm going to send you an email back telling you that I cannot give you personalized advice, the SEC will not let me and I'll get into a lot of trouble. If you do have any questions that are general, please contact us at industryfocus@fool.com, or by tweeting us @MFIndustryFocus. Also, our internship applications close some time today or tomorrow. If you're really interested in working at The Motley Fool in the summer, the internships are awesome, that's how I got my job, you should scurry to our site, careers.fool.com or jobs.fool.com, both of them redirect to the same site, and apply right away, because I'm pretty sure those close tomorrow. Thank you so much for joining, us, Dan. You're always wise.Caplinger: Thanks for having me, Gaby. Lapera: And Austin, have you ever check your credit score?Austin Morgan: I have checked my credit score.Lapera: Excellent! I am really glad to hear that. Way to be responsible. Thank you to Austin, today's totally awesome producer, and thank you to you all for joining us. Everyone, have a great week, and go out there and check your credit score! Click to Post