#I mean tbh I probably wouldn't have gone anyway because I've only been to like 2 shows (1D concert and jse's HDWGH tour)

[hollenka99]

Whoo, I stay losing!

[graciereadshannigram]

hey fam, welcome to the April 2024 roundup of the best hannigram fics i've read this past month! i read over 100 fics total, and these were the cream of the crop.

as a reminder: the ingredients for a five star rating typically (but not always!!) include some combination of a.) believable characterizations of both Hannibal and Will, b.) compelling plot and/or character arcs, and c.) high quality smut.

that being said, my judgment of the aforementioned ingredients is powered almost exclusively by vibes and as such, is incredibly subjective.

you can find past recs below:

February March

and if you have any recs of your own for me, PLEASE SHARE.

anyway, in no particular order, let's go!

~

A place you can never go by det395

Word Count: 84,596 Summary: When things don’t go according to plan, Hannibal makes a wish. He finds himself a year-and-a-half in the past and seemingly given another chance with Will. His feelings about the situation only get more complicated when he realizes he may not have completely lost access to his old timeline after all. A Digestivo canon divergence.

If you follow me, you probably saw me already raving about this fic. This was so fucking good, holy fucking shit. And also heartbreaking. Made me think a lot about the nature of reality and what does it mean for something to be "real." Plus, I really love fics that explore their shared mind palace because I genuinely think that is one of the more underexplored aspects of their relationship. Definitely heavy on the angst, but there is a happy ending!

even though our love is doomed by bleakmidwinter

Word Count: 82,427 Summary: Hannibal solves the mystery of time travel and he and Will decide to go into the past and take opportunities previously missed along with rewriting the regrets they each hold. Changing the past does not effect the future and they have free reign to play as the please.

GIVE ME MORE THAN FIVE STARS PLEASE. I am obsessed with this fic. I've mostly stayed clear of time travel fics (aside from, you know, the one right above this) because the execution can be hit or miss, but let me fucking tell you. This was a god damn home run. There's a little bit of angst, but then there's also a chapter where Will challenges Hannibal that he wouldn't have been able to seduce him while Will was still working in Louisiana fixing boat motors. And obviously Hannibal decides to take that challenge.

Railroad Romance by OneWhoSitsWithTurtles

Word Count: 12,400 Summary: Hannibal is still Hannibal, and Will is still Will. Except Will is not part of the FBI and they meet on a two day train trip from New Orleans to Baltimore.

Dirty. Talk. In. FRENCH. Holy shit. Okay this was excellent. EXCELLENT. Perfect characterizations, and wonderful dialogue. Wow. Also, I love trains. Who doesn't love trains?

patroclus in furs by bleakmidwinter

Word Count: 130,185 Summary: If Will and Hannibal hadn't gone into their respective careers, they would have become porn stars.

I had my doubts about a pornstar AU, but I've really enjoyed everything else by this author and it was over 100k, so I gave it a shot! And WOW. The characterizations of both Will and Hannibal were spot on and believable. A good mix of fluff and angst, and the author clearly put a lot of thought into the porn scenes. Tbh I'm probably going to reread this shortly.

Pavlova by nbcravenstag

Word Count: 33,369 Summary: It’s not like Hannibal didn’t know that Will was hiding something. It was after the third body drop a week ago that it became clear that Will had a secret that somehow involved the case, one he wasn’t willing to share yet, not even with Hannibal. At 6:43 AM, Will had texted Hannibal that a fourth body had been found and that he was on his way to the scene with Jack. At 8:06 PM, Will had stepped into Hannibal’s office, thirty-six minutes past his appointment time, and practically shouted “I used to be a stripper!” as loudly as his hoarse voice would allow him to. Hannibal Lecter, though not phased by much in life, has never been entirely able to predict Will Graham, but this is just… getting out of control. Alternatively, the FBI is hunting a serial killer targeting male strippers, and Will decides to throw himself into the fray. Hannibal is beyond pleased.

An AU where Will was a stripper in college and now he's working a case where he can be live bait as a stripper? Shut the fuck up. Mostly told from Hannibal's perspective, and it's just *chefs kiss*. Who knew Will giving Hannibal a lap dance would be so HOT. (I could have guessed.)

Lessons In Submission by wyldefire

Word Count: 5,173 Summary: Hannibal was stubborn, independent, and Will had always loved that about him, but there were times, times like these, in the midst of heat, in the midst of such a thorough breeding, when lessons in submission were necessary.

My only thought at the end of this was, "Shut the whole fuck up" in the best way possible. Smut. Just all smut.

A Very Special Guest by LesBeanBurrito

Word Count: 56,660 Summary: Season 1 AU in which Will stays for Hannibal’s dinner party after bringing the bottle of wine at the end of 1X07 Sorbet. Embarrassed and Sassy Will Graham meets Smitten Hannibal Lecter.

I LOVE a good season 1 AU and this was checking all of the boxes for me! There's a secret relationship, Hannibal actually gets Will treated for his encephalitis, Will finds out about Hannibal, etc. Very much loved the plot, and the characterizations were spot on.

lover to your nightmare (look what you made of me) by merrythoughts and ReallyMissCoffee

Word Count: 123,367 Summary: Driving back home, it’s then he reflects on Hannibal asking him to run away that night. To forgo their plans altogether, to slip away. [Canon divergent. Will confesses his betrayal and asks Hannibal to run away with him, but Will has a plan of his own...]

You want dark!Will mixed in with some incredibly jealous and possessive Hannigram? Hooo boy do I have a fic for you! The ending was a little abrupt, but it was the perfect mix of gut-wrenching angst and toxicity + smoking hot smut. I genuinely had to stop and focus on my breathing more than once.

On the Lam by shotgun_sinner

Word Count: 63,992 Summary: Post-Fall (Hannibal)season 4Crack Treated SeriouslyOn the RunWill Graham Discovers FanfictionExplicit Sexual Contentsexual identity crisisThat's Not Really A CrisisWill Graham is HannisexualMurder HusbandsHomophobiaMurder of a HomophobeHannibal Lecter Loves Will GrahamWill Graham Loves Hannibal LecterPower Bottom Will Grahamthey love each other your honorvery meta

This was such a fun read – I love the implication that hannigram fanfiction exists and it's all there for Will to accidentally discover. I adore this author and just thoroughly enjoyed how Will learned a thing or two about himself by reading smutty fics (same dude).

Golden Promises by shotgun_sinner

Word Count: 68,488 Summary: Hannibal (TV) Season/Series 01Alternate Universe - Canon DivergenceEpisode: s01e07 SorbetHallucinations?Will Hopes SoLELOplugSexuality CrisisThat Ends Up Not Being A CrisisWill Graham Has EncephalitisHannibal Gets Will TreatmentDeveloping RelationshipWill Graham's Dogs - FreeformBonding over fooddoting hannibalEventual SmutHannibal Lecter Loves Will GrahamWill Graham Loves Hannibal LecterAlana DisapprovesRimmingOral SexBottom Hannibal LecterTop Will GrahamBottom Will GrahamTop Hannibal LecterWill Graham KnowsNon-Consensual Drug UseWill Gives Him Shit For ItMurder HusbandsCannibalismis that tag even necessary?Hannibal Lecter Loves Max

This was fluffier than I typically read, but I told y'all I love this author. Pretty much no angst, and the smut, as always, was next level. Also, the idea that Hannibal would wear a solid gold butt plug to his dinner parties had me laughing before I even started reading.

What Hatches by HotMolasses (@snazzymolasses here on tumblr)

Word Count: 107,847 Summary: There is a village, nestled on the edge of an ancient forest where it is always winter. Few of the townsfolk ever venture into it, except for one lonely hunter named Will Graham. A loner who makes his living selling stag meat and spends more time with dogs than people, he finds his life changing when he comes face-to-face with a magical beast, one that he cannot get away from, and isn’t even sure he really wants to.

What started out as a curiosity about the monsterfucking tag on AO3 brought me to one of the most unique and interesting hannigram AUs I've read??? I'm as surprised as you are, if not more. I adored this fic and I loved how both Will and Hannibal were characterized and the plot and the smut (oh my god, the smut) and the ending? Phew. Go read this.

lay like a flood spills away by bleakmidwinter

Word Count: 35,733 Summary: Will starts going to a nude beach that happens to be for gay men, even though he considers himself straight.

This was highly enjoyable. I LOVE AUs that manage to keep the characters true to canon. Also nude beaches. Hannigram and nude beaches. Eating ass and public sex with some actual plot sprinkled in. Say LESS.

Now, What Should We Do Next? by HigherMagic

Word Count: 51,116 Summary: Kinktober 2018

Smut. All smut. I showed this fic to a friend who has literally never read fanfiction, let alone Hannigram, before and she is now hooked. So. Do with that what you will. And it's so clear that this author has actual, real-life experience with kink and it comes across so well! Bonus point: there is also an equally good sequel.

To Mend With Gold by beforethedawn, ConstructFairytales, Destinyawakened

Word Count: 98,863 Summary: Will and Hannibal have been living as a gay married couple for three years, but they haven't slept in the same room let alone the same bed. Will Graham has a reckoning, one way or another.

THIS WAS TENDER. Fluffy, angsty, smutty, I loved it. Molly showed up with Will's dogs and decided she wasn't going to turn them in, which was a little weird, but I really loved this fic. Just them learning how to be with each other. Also EXCELLENT marathon smut scenes. Like yesssss, of course they can each cum like three times in a row.

A Clutch at Balance by Deverauxs_Disease

Word Count: 25,466 Summary: When Will Graham storms into Hannibal's house muttering about kissing Alana Bloom, the good doctor makes Will an offer: Pretend to date Hannibal in order to prove to Alana that Will is not only stable but capable of being in a relationship. When Alana is convinced Will is the man of her dreams, Hannibal will step aside and Will can get his girl.

Y'all know I love fake dating that all of a sudden, whoops! Isn't so fake anymore! Sprinkle in some jealous and possessive Hanni and Will? I'm sold. Say less.

~

And that's a wrap on this month! See ya next time!!!

[the-moon-files]

As I work on my college assignments that I have missed due to being sick I can't help but think *damn* I would absolutely hate being transported to another world due to all my responsibilities. Like, even if it was that zero time occurring between getting back home I wouldn't want that, because fuck what if time did pass? What if I got fired from my job or missed on rent and all my stuff got thrown out of my apartment?? I love the idea of being away from my responsibilities but I hate having to go back to more and more things I have to more things I have to make up or have just missed.

Anyway, my brain suddenly attached this to a reader who got stuck in the linked universe. The emotions they would go through because their mind isn't stuck on the past or present but in the future. What if they had pets? Who'd take care of them? How would they pay their bills if they got stuck in an alternate universe? It's a sudden absence of these things that really trip them up because they had so much to do and now it's all gone. They can actually live now. But also they weren't built to live life outside of the weird society we have. How can they learn to live if the way they'd been living was nothing but a mental ladder to keep up with. How can they keep going knowing that back home there are important events and people and animals that they are missing out on.

-✒️ (Sorry for the long ask I'm an a very existential mood rn)

Sorry this is such a late reply!! I've had a "fanfic author curse" kinda year tbh, so I'm just now getting back into my hobbies :/

(i just got so burnt out by life i wasn't even in the mood to play the video games, let alone touch my blogs/write for them :( which is sad bc i love talking to you guys /gen)

So, I hope this late response is okay, and college and things these days are going better for you anon!!

_

BRO RLLY DROPPED MY WORST FEARS IN MY MAIL BOX ON A GODDAMN?? WEDNESDAY EVENING??? 😭😭 /LH

NO but SERIOUSLY this is genuinely a fear ive had in realistic isekai scenario situations,

So for like a year, maybe 2 now? Ive been obsessively consuming "isekai/reincarnation/transmigration anime" or this trope that somehow someway a character is misplaced from their original timeline, maybe just mysteriously yoinked/died/possessed another body in a diff universe, whatever, either way theyre There now, in a diff universe. And animes consistently gloss over this transitional period, that i can see real ppl actually having, to just sort of accept and move on, of course yo get the plot rolling.

But i guess theres just not quite enough sort of nitty-gritty isekai content yet for anyone to get have finally made an isekai genre thing that really goes on the other side of the spectrum, where the MC is like, well, THIS^^^

Like unless ur actually a hermit, youve either pushed away all ur family anf friends or theyve passed away, and you dont have a pet, pr whatever/whoever else,

ive learned after sort of coming out of teen years/rlly long depressive episodes that, Someone will always notice you. Theyll notice youre gone, and theyll miss you.

Like ppl hit u with that angsty, "nobody cares abt me" and then when u realistically sit them down like, "okay. What about your favorite teacher? What about your best friend? What about your online friends who will never see you log on again? What about your dog?"

Like yeah, who will take care of your dog?? Becaue where im at in life, if my sibling dies, ive got no one to care about my old girl, my kitty Mia <3 whos loved me since i was 12 😭

So, ive been actually wanting to fill in somewhat this gap in isekai genre by sort of expanding on it, i mean to be honest fanfiction is the only media ive seen thats gotten close to tackling this, with any amount of realism/emotional depth it deserves.

i hope u found this any amount of satisfying response, i probably would take this is in either a complete horror fashion/tragic scenario (which i don't write that often tbh) or a sort of "angst with a happy ending" like MC/reader worrying freaking out abt homeworld but there's a portal to let you go between worlds or smth

Peace out ✒️,

🌙📁

(i found a file emoji - how do we feel abt it??)

[theworldvsyoshiko]

Robot's Ocean has already gone on for about $80k wealth higher than any of the previous colonies and my save file seems precariously close to being bricked, so I've been thinking about wrapping the colony up and moving on.

As a sanguophage mechanitor with psylink level 6, every (non-mechanitor) implant she can possibly get that doesn't come with significant drawbacks, 9+ in every skill, and now a spouse, I think Yoshiko's development has kinda plateaued. Making her dramatically stronger (by, say, making all the sanguophage stuff into endogenes and then stacking a new xenotype on top of that) would take a ridiculous amount of time. Otherwise, the only real ways for her to get stronger are luciferium or by upgrading some of her bionics to archotech, and once you're at the 'every body part is bionic' stage already, those are pretty marginal upgrades. Skill-wise, all but two skills are into the range where they decay, and since she uses almost every skill on a daily basis, the levels are just going to keep fluctuating up and down as her focus shifts. Also, she's like... 35 now. It'd be weird if she ended up older than I am. So this doesn't feel like a bad spot to let her retire from active duty and enjoy the rest of her immortal life in peace.

Which leaves me debating where to take things in the future. Somehow I'm not bored of this yet, and the blog's follower count has doubled over the past week or so, so apparently somebody still wants to read this. Various options include:

The strongest contender in my head is roughly repeating the original start, but without the mechanitor part. Starting off with a lone child who doesn't have robots to fall back on. (Obviously this would be a different girl named Yoshiko.) This would probably involve making a custom scenario to give her appropriate gear and starting tech, because useless child Naked Brutality might be a bit much. Not sure if I'd go for the orphanage thing again, or try a different goal. It'd need some limitations, or else the kid can just recruit some adult help in the first month, which kinda defeats the purpose. I'd also probably have to disable the exostrider corpse in the scenario, or she could just rush becoming a mechanitor anyway.

As above, but start as a non-baseline xenotype to shake things up a bit. Incompetent 13 year old sanguophage could be an interesting way to help the kid survive while introducing its own problems to work around. Otherwise, maybe yttakin, impid, or waster? Yttakin and impid both have powers that would make combat a less dicey proposition early on. Waster could live in wastelands, which comes with its own benefits and challenges.

Or start with a new 13 year old mechanitor, but try the solo mechanitor thing, never allowing anybody else to join the colony. This would remain an interesting challenge for longer, but it also might be a little boring to talk about since there wouldn't be any character interactions.

The way opposite option would be something like using VFE - Tribals to start out with a pre-neolithic group and try to progress from 'what the fuck is ""fire""???' up to building a spaceship or something. Which would very likely be a generational kind of deal, because historically that takes a while.

Just start a new colony with Yoshiko and Cindy and keep going. The orphanage thing has been pretty fun to play tbh, and while Robot's Ocean is pretty secure now, as the Hospital Rockets Incident demonstrated, just because she's super-competent doesn't mean that bad stuff can't happen. On the other hand, starting with two competent adults, I think things would snowball a lot faster. This would probably involve using Character Editor or something to ditch the current save and start a new one, presumably with a mod or two disabled. Although unfortunately, one of the prime candidates for the mod that's breaking things is the one that allows for humanoid mechs.

Or have Yoshiko pass off the torch, giving a mechlink to one of her kids upon 13 and sending them off into the wilderness to continue the cycle??

[dante-winning-archive]

I feel like the only I'd be Even Remotely okay with Sparda coming back is like if some evil alchemist or something brought him back through necromancy, possibly as part of some Take Over the World (or Hell) scheme. Like, he died before Eva and the twins were attacked by Mundus' forces, and then after DMC5, some necromancer fucker built him a new demon body and shoved whatever was left of his soul (probably harvested from the Underworld) into it to try and use him as a meat puppet, but that uh. Did Not Go Well for them, and Sparda broke free.

Sparda doesn't just waltz back into his sons' lives, either: he knows he's got a lot of apologizing and making up to do, even if he didn't leave them on purpose. He'd be devastated to find out what happened to Eva and to his sons after his death, but also so happy that they're both alive. Apologizing wouldn't be enough to make up for everything that happened, and neither would letting them punch him in the face, but he'd try it anyway.

Having a grandson would be a pleasant surprise, at least until Sparda found out the poor boy had been raised in a cult that worshipped Sparda as a god, in which case Sparda was just like, "Ah. Another descendant that I'm obligated to let hit me. Alright, Nero, go ahead. Don't hold back. I'm so sorry."

As for how Sparda died originally:

I've got a personal theory that he died for the same reason we see V's body breaking down after Vergil uses the Yamato to split himself in 5- when Sparda separated the Human and Demon Realms, he also split his soul. It just took longer for his body to "degrade"/break down because he's all demon, whereas Vergil is half human. Sparda further splitting his soul into the Sparda, Rebellion, Yamato, and the Perfect Amulet, and then the amulet halves, also didn't help things.

As for why he didn't just re-absorb them and live for another idk, 2000 years:

My best guess is that it wouldn't of been enough to save him because his body was just too far gone by that point, like how you can only stretch something so many times before the elastic just wears out too much and the whole thing just snaps and falls apart. And, if we go with this theory, maybe he thought leaving his sons the swords/powers that he did was more important, since if he was going to die anyway, the least he could do would be to TRY and take care of his sons. I think he just wandered off to die, too, somewhere where any "vultures" that were drawn to his corpse (or whatever was left of him) wouldn't be anywhere near Eva and his sons. This means Eva and his sons might not of had any remains to bury/ashes to scatter, but he did TRY to keep them safe for as long as he could.

As for why a necromancer alchemist brought him back NOW, instead of earlier in the timeline:

-Doyalist explanation is because otherwise the plot would be different and I don't wanna think about that rn, but anyway.

-Arius and Agnus were able to create fully artificial demons*, and before them, the only other person (as far as we know) that could do that was Mundus himself. Which is horrifying, since it means that alchemy (or at least alchemy focused on creating and controlling demons and demonic energy) has officially reached the level where normal human beings can play God with the souls and lives of men and demons. Hence the whole Sparda/necromancy clusterfuck.

[*= Human shaped demons in Aruis' case, and ones that had a certain amount of free will and sentience, like Lucia and the Secretary demons, although Lucia was considered "defective", presumably because she had too much humanity/free will. Agnus had a specialty in constructs powered by demonic energy and piloted by a person or persons' soul(s), and turning humans into demons via his Ascension Ceremony.]

Anyway, mainly, I'm just fine with Sparda being dead, tho I would like more info on his. Some archive of his past or something, y'know? Some flashbacks from the twins, or Matier. More info on Eva would be nice too, tbh, given we know even less about her than Sparda.

Sorry I took so long to get to this!

This scenario kind of falls into "came back wrong", which I'd be okay with. Maybe the necromancer was successful, until they pit Sparda against his own sons. Somehow Sparda is fine and it's one hell of an awkward reunion.

I like your theory about how Sparda died, how he was essentially weakened from all the soul splitting. Wouldn't it be something if Vergil had inadvertently followed in his father's footsteps?

I'm not sure I vibe with Sparda just going off to die. It seems more fitting to me that it was an honest attempt to defeat Mundus' forces and he died in the attempt. It's more tragic to think he always meant to come back, always wanted to come back. And I like that sort of tragedy, I guess. When you try your best and you don't succeeeeeeeeeeed....

I'm gonna wrap this up here bc it's raining and losing power for a second is a definite possibility and I'd be real pissed if I had to write everything again lol

[messofmoss]

thursday, june 20, 2024

4:52am

it's been weeks since julia has told me she loves me back. i told her again, and all she said was thanks. maybe she doesn't anymore. maybe it annoys her when i tell her. i should just leave her alone.

she probably wouldn't even notice you're gone. or if she does, she would feel relief to finally be free of you. if you care about her, you'll leave her alone. just leave her the fuck alone.

5:05am

she doesn't want your love. just cris. your love is only agitating for her because you're not cris. love and attention from the wrong person is irritating. she doesn't give a fuck how you feel about her. she only keeps you around as a distraction from her cris feelings. that's all you ever were and you're not even a good one anymore. there is no point to your existence in her life. tbh there's no point to you at all. what good comes from your existence? two cats get cuddles a lot? they'd get cuddled by someone that could afford to take care of them better. they could get cuddled by someone who would clean their litter box more regularly. they could get cuddled by someone that lived in a house they could roam freely in. even they would be better off without you if you weren't so fucking selfish.

5:14am

why the fuck do you even care what she thinks anyway? she's boring as hell 80% of the time. she doesn't have a drop of whimsy in her body. your relationship is like she's a member of the crowd watching your comedy special. laughing ever so often and maybe answering a few questions now and then. 90% of this entire friendship is just you. she doesn't deserve you.

5:20am

do you think loaves of bread at the store want to be picked? like they know they're going to be eaten? or do they try to wish themselves invisible and silently scream when someone picks them up and sets them in their cart? would each slice be like taking a limb from them?

many times have i only wanted 1 loaf of bread but i saw only 2 there so i couldn't just leave the one behind because what if it felt unwanted or not good enough? what if it missed its friend? so i buy both. but what if that is a worse fate because now it has to watch me tear his friend apart limb from limb? that fucking sucks

10:09am

maybe i'm asexual??

8:44pm

what a day. i went downstairs to check on grandma and turned outlander on for us to watch. it was around 3 when i realized that there was an odd smell. turns out one of the stove burners was on and filling the house with gas. so i took grandma out to 3 cemeteries and we drove around in our nightgowns.

i called my dad while we were out to check on him because of the heat and all. i told him we were going out to sand lake union cemetery and so he asked me if i could go up taborton mountain to my uncle's house to get a microwave for him. so i did.

once i got home, i basically just read for the next couple hours. i'll probably start another book now that i've finished this one. it's easier to not think when i'm reading. well if the book is interesting enough. i'd rather be in their world than my own.

11:13pm

my hairdye finally arrived but i think i should wait to do it. i don't want toooo but it's so hot lately that i'll just sweat it off at work and dye my clothes and skin lol embarrassing that'd be.

11:20pm

julia sent me a selfie today without me asking and a voice message without me asking. then she sent two kissy faces when she went to bed instead of hearts.

it doesnt mean anything it doesnt mean anything it doesnt mean anything it doesnt mean anything

but i want it to. i want to kiss her. she's so unbelievably pretty. how does she just wake up everyday and look like that? that's crazy.

she would never be interested in me. i'm like a fucking whale. an ogre. a troll. i feel like i am just ballooning more and more everyday.

my legs don't even feel like mine half of the time. they're like huge and each jiggle is so uncomfortable. like it feels foreign.

in general when i look in the mirror it doesn't feel like me. like who is that?

there was a period of time when i had like two sides of me. i called the other one emma. emma is a lesbian and more repulsed by men and doesn't want kids. vs katy who wants a traditional life with a man and children. i feel like i go through periods where i feel more like emma or more like katy. i actually had started a diary once where i was going to write journal entries and like sign them as katy or emma so i could see the difference more. but i am typically bad at keeping up with diaries.

i found it lol i only had one entry after this so not very helpful. maybe i could start it up again. though right now i feel kind of like neither of them.

[twin-wolves-123]

long textpost incoming lol, for whoever cares

i think the thing i was least prepared for about being queer was just how fucking lonely it feels

tbh maybe lonely isn't the right word. helpless? hopeless?

When i first realized it i was in high school, and i didn't really make a big deal out of it at the time since it didn't affect my life a lot in particular-- i had a lot of other personal crap going on and the person who made me realize it ended up graduating anyway. i kind of just viewed it as a fact about me more than anything else, the same way my favorite color is a fact about me. Which is a privilege of course, i didn't really come out to anyone aside from close friends who were also out to me, but i did grow up in a pretty accepting area and was lucky enough to not particularly have internalized a shit ton of homophobia by then. but now that it's actually having a tangible impact on my life that view has definitely shifted to a more negative one.

for context, i think i've fallen a little in love with one of my close friends/roommate over the past couple of months. we've been pretty good friends for a bit over a year now, though only started rooming together at the start of this semester. he's a really great listener- sometimes he will just walk up and ask what i'm watching/doing on my laptop and let me ramble at him for however long about whatever niche interest is currently occupying my attention, he makes time to spend w/ me even if it's very spontaneous, i'm a little obsessed with his laugh/smile, and god he's so fucking smart i think it's insane. and sometimes when he's letting me infodump on him or we're just sitting together doing whatever i just get the urge to hug him or ask to cuddle and it's kind of ridiculous. I recently just got back from a fall break trip that he ended up backing out of and there was a day I was exploring the city by myself just kind of wishing he had been there with me.

issue is, aside from the obvious one, is that he is straight as hell

I'm out to him and he's very chill with it (not that I'd even be friends with him if I knew he wouldn't be), but god, what I don't really understand is how people deal with this. It's hard enough finding someone who likes you back even when your sexualities/genders DO align. i mean, it's not like things have gone perfectly with every girl i've been into up until now. And generally speaking, people are more likely to be straight than not, because... we are a minority lol. The argument often made by, say, homophobic parents of bi children is, just date women (or men, depending on who you are)! but you can't really help who you want, right? being bi in general isn't even a 50/50 split to begin with the same way all sexuality can be fluid, and it's very possible and even probable that i do lean more this way than the other (frankly it's not like i've dated enough to know). And i'm of course aware that things like dating apps and queer communities do exist, but it's not that easy to get over someone just like that, especially since i find it really difficult being into someone if I'm not already friends w them/know i get along w them well as a person first as opposed to seeking out this kind of connection on an app of some kind

so it's times like these where, as much as i've gotten out of the friendships i've made through queer communities (like on campus for example), being Not Straight just really sucks, not even necessarily because of homophobia (either from others/internalized) but simply because it's that much more miserable knowing that someone, even though they make you really happy, would never be able to view you that way, and sometimes i feel like it'd just be easier if i were straight the same way i wish i were taller, or my teeth were whiter, or other similar inconveniences that i can't change. i'll see other couples posting from trips they did together, or for national boyfriend day, or whatever, and it's just that feeling of one day, he'll be doing the same thing with someone he loves and i won't have any part to play in that, because i'll just be watching distantly online wishing it could've been me instead.

and of course it doesn't really help that i really struggle with making friends and am not socially perceptive at all and am often mentally hung up on small social interactions, him being no exception (quite the opposite actually, in general he shows slightly less emotion in conversation than the average person), so a lot of the time i'm stuck wondering whether he really even likes me as a friend at all or is just putting up with me for the sake of politeness.

Anyways. obviously this will pass (i think? regardless of the fact that it usually takes forever for me) but it still just fucking sucks and makes me wish i didn't have to deal with it at all

[survivor-marieta-islands]

Episode 11: "we plan and G-d (the new schoolers inability to keep it together) laughs"—Jinx

Amy

not jinx saying they felt abandoned at merge (aka when I left for my roadtrip) and that they were hearing things I was saying (mostly hairie lol from what jinx relayed) but I'm also like huh what did I say lol like the only one who knows anything of worth is raffy tbh like I haven't been online enough to be too messy but I have now today learned that talking to people generally counts as leaking information? Idk but I think jinx's worry was when ppl were asking me who I was close to I wasn't saying jinx every time but also I wouldn't? I don't give complete info to ppl I just start talking to but it's actually so funny i was just saying huh I don't think I've lied in this game like sure left out info but I have been so busy it's hard to like sit down and speak to each person in the unique ways for each personality. But *flips hair* I'd love to hear what the people are saying about me.

Trinica

Hairie got an idol 😭 and here I am, once again holding info I feel obligated not to share. Raffy will probably want to vote for Hairie or Arvin next I could tell Hairie if it's him and get him to idol out Zo maybe? We'll see.

I'm lowkey hinting to Brandi and Raffy that Hairie COULD have something just so they're like not overly confident about voting him out. But now they want to pool money to buy merch and I don't necessarily want to give up my money to give Raffy an idol...but I gotta be a team player!

Raffy

I’m so bad at hunting in this idol hunt.

Brandi

JAY WHAT IS GOING ON

Raffy

Now, I’m just fearful that Hairie has an idol which probably means he’s gonna idol me out cause I called him out in the alliance chat. Ah well. You do it to yourself sometimes. My plan now is just to target Arvin and see where that gets me. I don’t have the confidence to flush something out at this moment.

Amy

jinx threw a vote when where ahahahahahaha

anyway earlier I was just messing with hairie 's mind for entertainment talking in circles asking "how do you define leaky ��"

entertain me y'all 😭

Brandi

I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT

Amy

I didn't do well on that challenge but I tried lol

Congratulations Brandi and your husband's film degree 👏

Anyhoozits wouldn't it be fun to just stir up some chaos and see if I can survive

Zo

Now that Clefford is gone it feels like mayhaps we shall be returning to old yellers vs new kids on the block. With the even split i’m worried nobody will be organized enough to try and shake things up in time for tribal and we’ll end up with a tie vote. Maybe i’ll go start some drama for fun 😘

Trinica

Fuuuuuuuuuh--

I am STUCK in the middle with YOU!!!! You being Hairie, Brandi, and Raffy. My F4 that splintered because Hairie leaked so much then lied to Raffy about it (allegedly).

As we speak, Raffy is telling me to approach Jinx about voting for Zo. BUT Zo is finally talking game with me pre-tribal and wants to save Hairie. Who, incidentally, just got a SECOND idol, only this one is a cursed one and will reveal all the votes at tribal council when played. So he'll probably play it tonight, because Zo told him his name is out there. Which means tonight, I will be EXPOSED if I don't play this so so carefully.

I truly don't know what I'm gonna do tonight. I'm trying to put the vote back on Hairie, because if Zo is willing to work together for a bit, that's a good thing. And if Hairie has a successful idol play, and I need to vote him out, it'll be all the easier to do so later once he has a(n even bigger) target on his back. Plus I'm not ready for him to go now that he's being honest with me again. Then I vote Hairie, he plays his idol, he takes out...idk, Adeline maybe? And we move on from there, with me not looking like I'm playing both sides.

I wasn't trying to play both sides! Why do my allies always turn on each other!

Hairie

Scene It Challenge

This was the challenge I knew I could not win because it's just a tough one for me personally. What I did want out of this was to be in the top half so I can get some coins. AND THAT I DID.

Post Clefford vote

He gave me his snow globe, 35 coins, and some heartfelt words. I was genuinely shocked with the goodies and even more with the final words. Clefford I know you're a good person and I hope we can reconnect post game about this. Love you Kuya <3

Idol hunting

I already managed to snag an idol from the festival stand. So all that's left to do was find the other idol that is not in the marketplace. Today (5th September) got on call with Trinica to catch up and that we were worried no names are out there yet. While doing idol hunting live, I took a risk and it was REWARDING because I FOUND AN IDOL on my 4th hunt attempt. Like woah !!

And right on queue even when Zo (we've both not talk game at this point) came to me and said she's heard my name and wanted to keep me and work together. She also told me she's heard Arvin's name and that her name was also circulating out there. I was shock about her name.

Raffy then told me they've also heard Arvin's, my name and Zo's.

Oh I also bought a festival merch from Raffy and gifted it to him to repair our trust.

Quoting Zo's word: "Adeline is the one who told me and sort of alluded that trinica said it but i don’t think that would be true? "

Quoting Adeline from a couple of rounds ago: "I honestly hairie just don’t know what’s going on, and i feel pretty much like i can’t play with you or trinica individually because you’ve made it clear that you are a strong duo regardless of the tension, and that things will be leaked in between y’all. It doesn’t make me wanna be honest with either of you, it doesn’t make me feel like a valued number at all. And i said the same to trinica but i feel like I’m floating on a boat rn lol"

I of course immediately exchange notes with Trinica. We've discussed about us not having any game talks with Zo but there was never a mention of pushing Zo's name. In fact other people were telling us to watch out for Zo. (I can't remember who I heard it from).

This round:

Jinx prefers Arvin but Arvin is a number for me and Trinica (we've made it known to people).

I think Colin going is better for my game and Trinica's. The problem with that is that nobody but Jinx is receptive to the idea (for this round). Plus I don't want to make Raffy mad at me or us.

Knowing this, it would be good to convince Jinx that keeping Arvin here would be beneficial for them too because Arvin will be a number to vote for Colin when Jinx wants to.

Adeline wants me gone and is very anti Hairie and Trinica - According to Raffy and what his POV is from convos with Adeline in DMs.

Zo has shown that she want me around and sharing this information.

The middleground that we all can meet at this point is to vote for Adeline. And I'm not oppose to the idea so I hope it works.

I have not heard from Amy, Colin, Brandi, Adeline or Arvin (3am 6th September SGT).

I have to catch a call with Zo and Jinx separately. Then a call with the host pets chat.

We're gonna get it, get it together, I know I'm gonna get it, get it together somehow

Raffy

Trinica and I have landed on an Adeline name because Adeline is throwing Trinica under the bus AND they are getting close with Zo and Colin, which has us concerned. We do not want a powerful trio to be able to topple our own. I think I got Amy on board and we are working on Jinx. We were gonna do Zo, but we decided against it since Jinx gave some push back. And next round we are just gonna do Arvin to appease people and get out a goat. We shall see how this all ends up.

Amy

Ugh raffy said a move on Adeline? 👀 Bc apparently Adeline is closer w zo and Colin and I'm like isn't that good? And I was chatting w zo and she was like Adeline said my name? And then I went to Trin like these are the names I've heard and they were like Adeline made up that they heard Zo's name from trinica? And can I be SO HONEST HERE there's a GLARING PATTERN of EVERYONE hearing things from trinica that are "made up" and then trinica just votes them out 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 it's giving creating your own villain character so others aim that way, the classic move. But anyway apparently trinica was talking with Brandi and raffy about the Adeline vote. Personally I'm fine with voting Arvin here take a number from Trinica. And tbh I'd also be fine voting hairie out with his nonsense of reporting directly and immediately to trinica who is openly trying to make me distrust him. Tbh I might just throw a vote on trinica here "rumors only grow" but like I'm glad I look clueless and out of the circle and out of the line of fire but y'all I guess we just have to wait and see until raffy and trinica fight it out??? bc at this point I feel like those are the puppet masters. I want Trinica OUT I'm scared to SPEAK to ANYONE and have them make me a villain for funsies. I want hairie reporting to ME not Trinica!! Like listen Arvin is a cool dude but he's clearly just a goat for Trin like at least I'm doing a little more while being raffy's goat.

But anyway I might step back and let this be an Adeline v trinica fight.

Jinx

we plan and G-d (the new schoolers inability to keep it together) laughs

Arvin

I really hope it's not me tonight, Its sucks to always be the back up vote just in case there would be an idol play, but I'm gonna give it my all that I'm not going to be voted out tonight.

Amy

AHHHHHHHHHHH

not a secret plan that can go very wrong!!!! Raffy killing me bc even if (when) this blows up it will be hilarious 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Anyway apparently hairie has an idol and zo, Colin, raffy, me, and an extra vote are blindsiding him. Like the extra vote just gets us to a revote??? Ahahaha anyway silly goofy fun fun times let's ROLL

very concerned jinx will just flip after this 😅 but hairie needed to go anyway and also zo mentioned trinica next maybe which yes 😀

Y'all???? How??? Are??? We??? Doing??? This??? Bye. (Also if it's me this is a hilarious last confessional you're welcome)

Colin

hEY THERES ONLY 10 MINS TO TRIBAL.

ORIGINALLY IT WAS GONNA BE ARVIN

THEN ADELINE WAS KINDA BIMBO AND BLEW UP HER GAME

SO PEOPLE WANNA VOTE ADELINE NOW

EXCEPT ME AND RAFFY HAVE BEEN DOING INVESTIGATING IN THE IDOL HUNT AND DEDUCED THAT HAIRIE HAS AN IDOL

SO NOW WE'RE BLINDSIDING HAIRIE

SHOULD BE FUN

Trinica

(mid-tribal confessional) You're all a bunch of dirty scheming liars!!!!!!

[raayllum]

i’ve been toying around with the idea that rayla gets coined by viren/claudia/aaravos/etc at the end of the season, and i’m kind of vibing with that being the big missing rayla twist at the end of the season. it would work with the cube hostage exchange theory (callum trading the cube for knowledge as to how to free rayla), callum using dark magic/connecting to aaravos at some point in the season (as we see from the teasers, as well as aaron stating once that the only way to free someone from the coins is dark magic- don’t quote me on that, i don’t remember where i saw that), and it would be a good segue into discovering viren’s other coins and possibly freeing rayla’s family within the next few seasons. do you think the theory has any weight? if not, do you have any theories as to when the coin issue will be addressed in the series?

For me I lean away from Rayla being coined simply because I think it's important to her as a character / giving her a sense of peace for her to work towards saving her parents. Not because she feels like she has to redeem herself, but because she wants to save them. Even in TTM at the Moon Nexus, she didn't let herself actually prioritize them, and I get the feeling going into S4 Rayla (who I posit is real for this scenario anyway) will be "I've come back to protect you" to the supreme. Focusing only on how much she hurt him and not how much she actually hurt herself (because when has she ever?)

AKA "I'm sorry I left, but I'm here now, I can help protect you" does not answer "Okay, Rayla, but who is protecting you?"

So I feel like Rayla being coin'd could be an over-correction in some ways and removes the possibility of her showing her growth in 1) pursuing something she wants, 2) letting Callum help, and 3) piecing her family back together directly. Unless Callum frees just her first and then her parents, but I still think like... Rayla would only be dealing with the aftermath of Callum having been in danger, then, not witnessing it herself (which I think is way more terrible to / for her, and why I prefer it, because I'm horrible, lmao). It'd also mean removing Rayla from the plot far longer than is feasible and again, she wouldn't be able to know what's fully happening until long after, probably, so I get stuck on the hindrances of the delay

It was an old immediate post-S3 interview but I do remember the one you're referring to! It's stated that it's likely / possible that only dark magic could reverse the coin'ing process, but we still know very little about how the coins work - and magical limitations (like humans not learning primal magic) has often been untrue. That, and the coin spell and mirror spell seem exceedingly similar which makes me think they can both be undone with primal magic (unless Avizandum was a massive hypocrite, but we'll have to wait and see)

I have talked about my notions regarding the Coin theory and I could've sworn it got tossed into a proper meta post but apparently not?

So I think if Rayla does get captured, she may get threatened by the coins or have the opportunity to see them more closely. This lets her realize her parents are in there (as unless she's discovered something somehow while she's been gone, she still has no clue) and I think that would be her main motivation in S5. I feel like we have to have most of the main team Together in by S6 so that it can be a "We have basically all our possible allies and we still lost and lost hard" in S6, and I think S5 works because 1) it's enough of a victory but still has a interesting emotional aftermath that idk if the final season would have room for and 2) I don't think it would work as well in S6 because again, we want a massive defeat for our heroes, and I feel like that could feel a bit too much like a Win, tbh, for that sense of devastation to really set in

Basically: I don't think Rayla also needs to be in a coin, as her being just taken captive does the same legwork but with less logistics to jump through, and while I think she's probably still hiding something about why she came back, I do think she's probably real, just we know she's with the gang until Rex Igneous (4x08) and it'd be a massive fallout with very little time to work retroactively with in recontexualizing. Not impossible, but very difficult to pull off in such limited time

[meowstix]

ok so like idk how much i've talked about this fic idea before. but basically the jist of this at it's core is like. basically what if the digital sacred beasts affected their users in. much more physical ways to say the least! hence the whole body horror thing. uhh gonna put this under a read more since. well see the body horror part. but i do implore you to read more i have a fuck ton of text to write out.

funnily enough while yuya's fate is still fucked, and unsurprisingly probably more fucked up than in canon, BOY do the remaining like. 2 or 3 deaths? i don't know yet tbh but they get a LOT more fucked up. relatively speaking getting impaled several times is at the very least quicker, or atleast probably i wouldn't know i've never been impaled but YOU GET THE IDEA! anyway yeah while it's already kinda odd that in canon kai was the only person affected by Witnessing A Kid's Fucking Death. but here yeah no EVERYONE there, both the main gang and the saint shields, you do not just see someone go out like that and just go on as if you didn't just see some horrific shit.

so right off the bat. yeah! shit's fucked up! cut to later, the battle tower matches are abruptly cancelled. not sure exactly why this happens yet but it's not good that's for sure. so yeah Those Fuckers decide to stay in.. wherever-the-fuck-in-japan-this-is, and very quickly it becomes clear that there's something Off, though to varying degrees throughout the group since they've been using those fuckin. cyber beyblades or whatever the hell for varying amounts of time. but yeah soon enough there's very much starting to be signs of some sort of physical change, just enough to realize some REAL fucked up shit's going on here.

the red flags only become more obvious when. sigh. Jim (i forgot to mention the fun thing about kane and salima being the only relevant ones means i get Two free fucked up deaths in addition to the existing canon death) just seemingly vanishes altogether. the rest of the team doesn't acknowledge that he's gone at all, simply saying he's "staying home for the day" Every Single Time. and technically he Is still alive though to pretty much anyone Not in the horribly fucked up state of mind Those Fuckers are in he'd very much seem dead. very, very dead. someone miiight catch a glimpse of him in this weird fucked up state i'm not sure the details yet but yeah just know at this point cyber draciel, or more specifically it's sacred beast, is literally the only thing keeping him alive. eventually though he does very much die, at that point practically being an unrecognizable mess of wires and metal and probably some.. remains buried deep within there. it's only at this point, several days after most would have considered the guy dead, the rest of the team finally acknowledges him as well. dead.

see at this point. the digital sacred beasts are effectively parasites, or i guess the proper term is parasitoids? whatever you get the idea. point is, the digital tortoise as it's never Called but there's enough of the naming convention established that i can assume that's what it's called, it needs a new host. so the remaining 3 Those Fuckers decide (granted at this point it's pretty much the digital sacred beasts deciding) to give cyber draciel to the bba team. unsurprisingly they very much Do Not want it, but in the end they're pressured into taking it in a moment that very much confirms all their worst fears of what's going on (besides any involvement from psykick that is because those motherfuckers have Long left the picture at this point). so now max (because 1. no shit the person with draciel is gonna end up with it's cyber equivalent and 2. i Gotta give him a W in the end just this once no matter how fucked up the circumstances are) is stuck with This Fucking Thing and there's a new priority now: figure out how to destroy it as soon as possible.

this kicks off a plot thread that while it will still probably be pretty fucked up it might end up being a bit more lighthearted than the rest if only because i get to write some potentially fun interactions, in the "unauthorized fucking thing blow it up Now" gang we've got max, kyojyu, and ozma (because i WILL let the saint shields participate in this dammit) trying to find a way to stop the digital sacred beasts.

and then i'm uh.. not really sure. i know salima and Maybe kane will make it out of this alive, i'm not entirely sure on the latter though because with one idea i'm having he would very much end up dead in the end. salima will be fine though atleast in terms of being. alive.

anyway here's some other notes on this before i go to sleep:

i literally have zero ideas in terms of anything for hiromi to do but i'm not letting her be doomed to not-doing-things so i'll have to figure something out.

being the 1st and 2nd most involved people in The Yuya Incident kai and dunga are probably gonna end up having to go after cyber dranzer together. this is another one for fun interactions but also things will DEFINITELY get pretty fucked up too.

i was looking back at the battle tower matches and looking at how the digital dragon is able to "take over" the battle tower... yeah i'm definitely keeping that in mind for a final confrontation.

i'm probably forgetting some stuff but whatever i need to sleep. o7

[anzcty]

Analysing Episode 6 Sylvie - her actions, her choice and a whole bunch of theories (Spoilers!)

After watching the Loki finale, I have been scrolling through Tumblr for quite a long time. I already knew that people's opinions were gonna be incredibly different but I definitely did not expect this much negative backlash. Especially when it comes to two specific topics - the Sylvie and Loki kiss and Sylvie's betrayal (/choice/actions). I'm gonna be talking about the latter, for it is another time I'll talk a lot about Sylki's relationship. (Beware that this post is also really long though)

First of all, everyone has different opinions and I respect that. I absolutely adore movies, books, TV-shows and videogames because despite what's happening within the story, each viewer has the opportunity to see something else in what they are shown (besides the obvious canon). What I mean is that everyone interprets certain scenes differently and gains the opportunity to make up theories. Therefore I want to clarify that I do, by no means, want to force my views upon others. It's nice to see people talk about the Loki Series (as long as it doesn't get too negative and hateful, iykwim) because every viewer can share their specific experiences with it :)

I'm gonna analyse Sylvie's character a bit ( because, well, I'm bored and I kinda wanna protect my beloved character that I've only had for a few weeks >:^0 AND the only thing I could think about the past day was this episode) and try to explain her actions in the finale (keep in mind: not justifying them, but explaining them).

I'm terribly bad at concentrating on one single topic point so I kinda made a 'list' with questions and whatnot that I wanted to dive deeper into. Your thoughts are also more than welcome!

I already want to apologise for grammatical mistakes, for I am not a native english speaker.

Sylvie's reason for being taken away by the TVA is still kinda unknown

You know, I've heard quite a few theories about Sylvie's nexus event by now. Some people say that she got taken away because she was playing with her toys in a way that indicates her having a good heart (playing as a Valkyrie and wanting to save someone, another hint may also be the reaction she showed towards someone else who got kidnapped by the TVA, yelling at the soldiers to "help them out"). Another theory is that she already knew she was adopted, unlike Loki who found out way later than her. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but we never got to hear the actual reason why Sylvie got kidnapped. Even Renslayer didn't say a word about it.

Now I'm gonna come up with yet another theory. What if Sylvie didn't really have a nexus event in the first place how we know it? In the final episode, Kang has said that he has planned out everything beforehand so both Loki and Sylvie would end up right in front of him. Did Kang's plan also possibly involve him getting killed by Sylvie? Hear me out: We don't actually know if the Kang we saw in episode 6 is the actual 'nice' Kang and not one of his evil variants. He has already talked about 'reincarnation', so who says that after ending the first universial war, Kang didn't reincarnate into someone with an unpure heart (aka, one of his evil variants)? That'd mean that the real Kang would have been killed and the Kang we've seen in the finale is actually an evil version that simply lied to both Loki and Sylvie. Besides that, we also don't know if Kang actually had that 'point' where he didn't know what would happen next. The show revolves a whole lot around trust, not only regarding the characters, but also the viewers. Who's to say that Kang said the truth? Maybe he planned it all out: He created the TVA, let Sylvie get kidnapped and therefore give her a reason to hunt after Kang, who in return could reincarnate if he got killed OR get killed and therefore give his other variants a possibility to conquer the universes yet again. Don't you think that it was kinda suspicious that Sylvie escaped so easily out of Renslayer's hands? The one person who's probably closest to Kang? (Even though, yes, she doesn't know who he is but Renslayer seems to play a very important role in his plan). What if the Kang we saw was the nice Kang though? Would he plan everything up to a point where another universial war would break out because he might know that there is indeed something/someone out there who could end it and therefore, possibly end Kang as a whole or create a new kind of system revolving around the universe? And therefore, get rid of the possibility of another universial war happening? Who knows. I am definitely overthinking and reaching at this point. One more thing that stood out to me while thinking about the episode again today (which kinda weighs more into my theory of Sylvie being a keypoint (or rather a puppet) in this plan): Kang has talked about his Tempad and that he knew that he would need it to have enough energy. But for what? Yes, his initial idea was to give it to Loki and Sylvie to rule over the TVA, but what if it was supposed to be used for another reason? Sylvie used it to transport Loki back to the TVA (though I kinda think he was accidentally transported to another timeline, hence the reactions of both Mobius and Hunter B-15) and therefore get rid of the only thing that could prevent Sylvie from killing Kang. The Tempad was used to secure Sylvie's path and therefore eradicated Kang's only option of safety. You can see the Tempad loosing it's glow after Kang was killed, possibly due to Kang himself being the origin of it's energy. But maybe, it only had enough energy for one specific action: getting rid of Kang's protection. I do think that Sylvie is now stuck at this place and somehow has to find a way back to Loki's reality. The Tempad clearly doesn't work anymore (at least in my opinion) and there was quite a long shot showing the Tempad up close, which is kinda suspicious tbh. Also, something regarding Sylvie's unanswered nexus event feels kinda odd to me, too.

My theory in conclusion: Sylvie (and Loki) are unconciously helping Kang with his plan (a big, big, BIG plan). They're his puppets, especially Sylvie, because she's the one who created the Multiverse to begin with. Think about Loki, who was said to be manipulated by Thanos in Avengers? It's basically the same train of thoughts.

Sylvie does not take Kang's offer into consideration

To be honest, this was something to be absolutely expected of her. Sylvie was kidnapped as a child, taken away from her home and family, and had to grow up in countless apocalypses where she could never form a real bond with anybody because she knew that those people were all going to die anyway. (Please don't judge me if I got that wrong, maybe I understood the next thing wrong? Idk, if so, I'm very sorry) She revealed that she was kidnapped way before Loki was even born (something I have to think about, too, because, if Loki is the actual Loki the other variants are based off, why did he exist after Sylvie? Wouldn't that make him a variant of Sylvie instead? Idk timelines and parallel universes are hard to understand for me :') I'm kinda stoopid ), therefore she must've had spent several decades of her life running away. She had no life at all. Her only goal was to bring down the TVA and whoever is behind it, driven by pure rage, seeking out revenge for stealing her life and basically forbidding her existence. And now that she has found said person, the only thing that'd be right for her character would be to go for the kill. As immoral as it may sound, it is the only thing that makes sense. And I am actually very happy that Sylvie's goals didn't change besides the fact that she did indeed soften up a little and has gotten someone really close to her. In contrary, it makes sense for Loki to do the exact opposite. His goals have changed. He does not act the way he did in Thor or Avengers anymore. He has found another goal for himself: to make Sylvie feel alright. He has had immense character growth and didn't take a chance to change his goals back in the Thor movies or in Avengers, (....maybe later in Thor: Ragnarok, kinda). This is exactly what I think might happen to Sylvie, too. She is at the beginning of her character arc. She doesn't take the chance to change her goal, but goes for her original goal instead. Said goal does not really have positive consequences (though, maybe it might have some? We're about to find out), which results in a so called 'negative character development', which Loki has already gone through. I think that Sylvie is gonna grow as a character in season 2 and get a positive character development in addition, just like Loki did. I highly doubt that she's gonna become the antagonist, it does not make sense at this point.

Why does she not take Kang's offer (besides her very obvious intention ofc)? That leads straight (or not so straight, pun intended) to the next thing I wanna talk about. Sylvie's distrust in everything and everyone. Besides not wanting to let other people go through what she has been gone through and wanting to let people have a free will, she also does not trust Kang with his offer of 'ruling' the timeline. And it might be because she also does not trust the one she'd be ruling with: Loki.

Why does Sylvie not trust Loki?

I don't even have a specific answer to that, except that Sylvie has an incredibly thick wall built up around her. Loki has always been portrayed as the one you should not trust because he's known for backstabbing people. Loki could have thought the same about Sylvie, but he didn't. Due to his character arc, he himself has learned to trust other people and tries to redeem himself with making himself a person others can trust (He may project that onto Sylvie, meaning that he puts his trust into a Loki variant and therefore in himself, too). You can connect that fact with both Sylvie and Mobius. They're both people who are incredibly important to Loki. He wants them to trust him. He openly told Sylvie about his mistakes and tells her that he's not that person anymore. Sylvie on the other hand does not trust that easily and is - in my opinion - a very important key regarding Loki's character development. It is incredibly hard for Sylvie to trust others (probably due to her trauma) and it therefore creates a very difficult situation for Loki, where he has to 'prove' himself as trustworthy. It's basically about 'trusting yourself' if you put it that way. It's something Loki has to learn about himself: not betraying the trust of others. Sylvie might have to learn something like this, too: learning to trust someone else. It's kinda like a two sided coin - one side is about putting trust in others, whereas the other is about gaining trust from others (and what you do with it). (Good) Relationships in general are always based off trust and honesty. So in order for them to be able to have healthy relationships with others and themselves, they have to learn about trust within themselves (I hope you understand my point, I got carried away, sorry). Loki started to trust Sylvie very easily (maybe because of love? Maybe because of something else? There are still a lot of unanswered questions) whereas Sylvie doesn't trust Loki very easily. Sylvie's character arc might (hopefully) carry on with this topic in the next season.

Was that kiss initiated due to emotional or practical reasons?

Kinda both, somehow. I do think that Sylvie used the kiss to her advantage but you can also clearly see how moved she is while hearing Loki's words. Facial expressions are insanely important when it comes to acting and both Tom and Sophia delivered perfectly. You might've already heard of the quote "The eyes tell more than words could ever say". Look at Sylvie's face when Loki tells her that he wants her to be okay. She is teary eyed, sighs even. She is indeed touched by his words and I strongly think that Sylvie also has non-platonic feelings for Loki, despite barely showing anything.

Here's a snippet out of an interview with Sophia:

(Source)

Both Sylvie and Loki are said to be people who can not trust others. They both have a vulnerable side though. Loki clearly showed that several times when with Sylvie (singing to her, the blanket scene, the comfort scene in the room of the timekeepers, the confession of wanting her to be okay) and is also shown incredibly vulnerable at the end of episode 6: there are several shots showing him, crying. Sure, we have already seen Loki cry a few times beforehand but this time, it's different. He cries because the one person he is the most vulnerable with doesn't trust him, and that does hurt like hell. By the way, if you look at the close-up shot of Sylvie after she yeeted Loki back into the TVA, you can see pain in her eyes, too. But that pain quickly shifts into rage and determination. Something that I have to admit was incredibly well executed by Sophia and the people who directed this shot. Sylvie does show her vulnerable side for a brief moment before putting up her walls again and reaching for her goal.

In conclusion: I think Sylvie initiated the kiss as an emotional response to Loki's words but also used it to distract him to be able to kick him back into the TVA at the same time. Keep in mind that it was because he was in her way of fullfilling her goal. She didn't want to kill or hurt him, so she sent him away instead. So, yes, I think the kiss had both emotional and practical intentions.

Did Sylvie betray Loki?

Even though it really felt like she betrayed him, she didn't. Let me tell you why:

Loki knew exactly what Sylvie was gonna do after reaching the person behind the TVA. Loki supported her all the way up until Kang suggested a deal to them, that's where Loki's and Sylvie's paths divided. Loki is a very smart character, he outsmarts a lot of Marvel characters and therefore I think it's very in character for him to consider one part of the deal and outweigh the pros and cons. Not because he wants the throne, no, but because he wants Sylvie to be okay. A universial war could lead to countless casualties - possibly those people close around him, so of course he would want to keep her safe through that decision. Making them both rulers over the TVA and the sacred timeline would probably guarantee a strong protection from several threats. Also, maybe he thought about the possibility of Sylvie regretting her decision (which she clearly did in the end) and wanted to protect her from even more emotional pain. But as we know, Sylvie's intention has always been laid out in front of her and it didn't change. Loki knew what choice she was going to make and merely tried to change her way - without being successfull.

I don't really know what to think about this scene though. To me, it doesn't meet the requirements of a 'betrayal' but at the same time it does feel like one. It's very difficult to explain :'D

Also, I've seen some people asking themselves how or if Loki will ever be able to forgive Sylvie for making her decision. Let me assure you one thing: he will forgive her. He has said it himself: "I know what you're feeling, I know what you're going through". He has been at Sylvie's point, too. Not only once, but several times already. He seems to have learned from his mistakes, Sylvie has yet to do so. ("I betrayed everyone I've ever loved" is a line to keep in mind now, too. Maybe it could even be projected onto Sylvie this time, because Loki is indeed very dear to her) If there's someone out there who can empathise with Sylvie the most, it is Loki.

Why would Sylvie straight up cause another Universial War?

As I already said. Sylvie's arc is a negative character arc. It does not end well and causes a lot of chaos. Think about Peter Quill in Infinity War and his rage moment on Titan. They could have had the infinity gauntlet way before but Peter got emotional (understandable) and therefore destroyed the chance of an early good ending. The same happened with Sylvie. Her decision was mostly emotional, but also practical on the other hand (giving people free will and freedom). She will face the consequences and I'm pretty sure she's gonna redeem herself and tries to help fix the big mess she has caused.

Sylvie's breakdown

Another scene that was absolutely brilliant was the scene after Sylvie has killed Kang. She backs off slowly and then slumps to the ground, breathing heavily (now that I think about it, I think she even started to cry). She has waited for this moment her whole life, but now that it's done, it kinda feels like she didn't exactly get what she needed. Hunter B-15 has already mentioned it before that Sylvie needs to hunt the person behind the TVA down, unlike Renslayer, who only wants to find out who it really is. Although Sylvie might have recognized that this wasn't everything she needed at this point. We already got to know that she didn't have a clue what to do after she's done with the TVA. She didn't have a goal beyond that. And now that she has reached the point where she is clueless, she might have recognized what she really needed beyond finishing her goal: friends, a life, literally anything that doesn't make her feel alone. And she literally just kicked that one thing away from her. Loki, the one person who has been closest to her and gave her the feeling of not being alone anymore, the feeling of having a friend (or someone more than a friend), has been pushed away by herself. I think that in this exact moment where she sinks to the ground she recognizes that not trusting Loki was a mistake this time and that revenge isn't enough to satisfy her forever.

But maybe that one thing that will satisfy her for a long time is something she's returning back to in season 2. I am so excited to see her again and find out more about Sylvie's character!

Thank you so much for reading this! If you want to add something to this list or correct something or anything, feel free to do so. I'd love to hear your thoughts on Sylvie's character in the finale and what you think might happen with her in season 2 :) see y'all, stay safe and have a nice day/night!

[alirhi]

How I'd have done TFATWS pt 1

Okay, I am such a whore for positive attention that, yes, it literally only takes one person expressing interest to get me to do something lol. So, for the lovely @goblin-tea, here is how The Falcon and the Winter Soldier would have gone for Bucky if I'd been a writer on the show!

Also, shoutout to @gunshou, who popped up showing support when I was in the middle of writing this lol 😘

Episode 1: New World Order

I actually love how most of this episode was handled; it's what drew me into the show in the first place, and gave me such hope for the rest of it. Most of the changes that I'd make here are pretty minor, tbh.

I'd specify the setting in some way for Bucky's nightmare. Obviously, since he was there and knows what happened, when, and where he was, it wouldn't be like the setting changes in movies where they slap a big, bold title card over the scene. Still, I'd probably open with a brief establishing shot showing the city skyline or something; some identifying feature so that viewers can work out where this happened without needing a direct statement from Marvel (note: if you need to directly address your audience to clarify something from within your story, you're a bad storyteller). What year did this take place? I show technology from the time; perhaps a dated cell phone in someone's hand. The point is to establish where and when The Winter Soldier killed RJ Nakajima, without detracting from the emotional impact of the scene. Why does it matter? Because we should know why. Why is Bucky dreaming about this particular incident? Was it his last mission before the events of CA:TWS (a theory I see frequently repeated but with no evidence to back it up)? Was it earlier on? Is RJ only on the forefront of Bucky's mind because of his (unhealthy, but we'll get to that) friendship with Yori? How long has Yori been suffering under the weight of his grief?

I would not have had him crash through the wall, btw. As cool as that shot looked, let's try to remember that The Winter Soldier was a ghost story for 70 years. Ghosts don't leave giant gaping holes in hotel walls. I'm not saying brazen wholesale destruction is out of character for him (obviously not. I've seen CA:TWS lmao. many times. this moment lives rent-free in my brain:

found on google without credit; pls lmk if it's yours so I can credit.

but you don't become a "ghost story" if you always leave that much evidence, ijs)

I'd leave the terrible therapy session alone. That scene was beautiful. Beautifully shot; I loved how claustrophobic it felt, and it really did a wonderful job of showing how Bucky felt on the spot, scrutinized, almost put on display for this bitch woman. This scene establishes Raynor as clearly wrong, and an unprofessional mess, and Bucky calls her out on it. I fucking love that!

lmao gods, I love his painfully awkward forced smile... Guys, this episode is fkn great. (betcha weren't expecting so much praise from me, were you? 😂)

"You're free." "To do what?"

👆👆👆 In my show? That would have more of an impact on Bucky's arc. That question would be one of the underlying issues moving his whole story along. Twice in this show, he's told that he's free, but no one addresses what he's free from, much less what he's free to do next.

It's a minor thing, but when Yori tells Bucky to ask Leah out? I'd have Bucky do more than just shake his head in silent horror. Not much more, just something that matters to me as someone who's worked in the service industry for many, many years and dealt with too many creepos: Bucky would flat-out say "she's at work! that's harassment, Yori!"

Yori can still stomp right past that boundary, and Leah can still smile and agree. I just really want someone to verbally acknowledge that you don't fucking ask someone out when they're at work. Ever. Bucky cringing and apologizing puts the power of the conversation back in Leah's hands; it gives her an out to politely decline if she's not interested, and just laugh off Yori's flirting on Bucky's behalf as a senile old man being silly, so I'm actually fine with how this scene turned out. I just would personally have gone that extra inch there for the idiots in the audience who don't get Bucky's subtle "wtf" reaction and why Yori's suggestion was so bad. If someone's livelihood depends on being nice to you, keep your goddamn distance. Flirting with them or asking them out when they're at that big of a disadvantage and have virtually no power to say "no" is harassment.

Here is where I'd make one more subtle change, too. When Yori sees the mochi and is reminded of his son, and tells Bucky about his death, I'd just slip in a time frame. "x years ago, my son was..." blah. (Guys, it really bothers me not knowing when that scene took place rofl can you tell?)

One complaint I've seen a lot online about this show is how it's a bit murky on just how well known Bucky is in-universe. He can walk around Brooklyn with more or less total anonymity, but he's also recognized as "an Avenger" (when he was never actually technically in the group)... but honestly? I think it's actually pretty realistic. Just because someone's famous doesn't mean every single person on the planet knows who they are and what they look like well enough to instantly recognize them on the street. People look different in photos than in person, and pre-Blip, Bucky had the complete Jesus look - long flowing hair and a full beard. In TFATWS he's a little scruffy, but not this:

Sebastian looks like about 10 different men from one moment to the next just irl with a change in haircut, lighting, expression, whether or not he got enough sleep the night before... 😂 I don't really find it hard to believe that people not expecting to bump into an Avenger would have trouble seeing Bucky post-haircut as anything other than just another attractive white guy.

Anyway! Sorry for the segue lol. On to the date!

Earlier in this very same goddamn episode, it is established that Bucky can remotely operate a car with a tablet. This is not a technologically-inept geezer. This is a 30-something nerd who loves new technology, who, yes, is facing a brave new world and a whole lot of new technology, but has never shown any issue picking it up. The crappy flip phone he handed Raynor earlier? a burner to keep her out of what little personal life he does have (we never see it again in the real show, anyway). The "tiger photos" line? Stays, not to show Bucky's floundering ineptitude with technology, but as a little nod to his bisexuality. (don't like it? don't wanna see Bucky as bi? go watch the show and read Skogland's borderline-offensive interviews. This isn't "how I would pander to a homophobic audience" it's "how I would have written it." the "Bucky is bi" interpretation is super fucking common and has been since TFA so bite me 😁)

Tiny nitpick, but I'd also have the Battleship boards actually set up properly lmao. What even was that? Anyway...

I don't think I'd have Leah get all ranty about Yori and RJ. That's not first date talk, for one thing. For another, let's ease up on the beating Bucky and the audience over the head with that one incident in a single episode, shall we? Instead, I'd have her stick with the date questions - she asked his age, asked about his family; I'd have her follow it with questions about what he does for a living (giving us a chance to not only actually have that question answered for us - how the hell does Bucky keep himself from being homeless? lol - but also set up...)

He shuts down a little when she starts asking about his past; she's innocently curious, just trying to get to know him, but he's flinchy and deflects with questions about her. The date is awkward, but doesn't abruptly end with him running away lol. He walks Leah home, like the old-fashioned gentleman he is, goes home, himself, and end on him grimacing in his sleep, in the clutches of another nightmare: not as much detail as the RJ murder scene, we see disjointed, disorienting images of fluorescent lights glinting off of machinery, the occasional shot of Bucky writhing in the chair, a shot of that damned notebook (to remind the dumber audience members why Raynor's passive-aggressive notebook thing was so triggering for him), and we hear echoes of a couple of the trigger words, and Bucky's screams.

[ae0nx]

FRUITS BASKET S3 EPISODE 8 RECAP AKA THE KYORU CHRONICLES PART 2 (plus a quick recap of eps 3-7)

aaaaaaAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! I gotta get it out of me otherwise I won't be able to concentrate on work and I will be scrolling through the tag till the day I die. Everything from episode 3 of Season 3 literally hit me like an avalanche - literally cos I marathoned 3-7 over the weekend which I wouldn't advise unless you want an accelerated heartbeat - and I'm starting to realise... maybe I just wasn't ready for season 3. Despite asking for it, haha. Not gonna put as many screencaps for this one cos tumblr editing bay be trippin and I just don't have time nor emotional energy to be fighting with the picture uploads, sorry lol

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Episodes 3 - 7

I spoke before about how (despite my feelings about the characters) the English dub VAs for Akito and Shigure pair up really well audibly. And I think I feel the same way about both Yuki and Machi's English VAs! They both have the same soft spoken yet scratchy element to their voices almost like they are holding slightly back. Although, I'd argue that Yuki has been losing the element of slightly holding back as the anime has gone on which I wonder if the same would be included for Machi's performance?

I really like the presentation of Machi's trauma through her family's expectations to be perfect and how physical it is? How Yuki kind of encourages her to let it out in a healthy way? (Btw the whole chalk breaking scene in the meeting was SO FUCKING SMOOTH. YUKI IS A NERD BUT HE IS SO EFFORTLESSLY COOL A LOT OF THE TIME)

The age gap between Isuzu and Haru for sure isn't the worst age gap in this anime/manga but it's still a bit... hmm...

Episode 4:

In all seriousness, I know Akito deserves some sympathy but it doesn't change the fact that I still see her as a villain. Hurt people hurt people but it doesn't mean they should get away with it, I was honestly pleased Haru got that big confrontation with Akito to tell her WHAT'S WHAT but it was also somewhat... merciful?

Hiro's growth has been so beautiful to see, him realising there are bigger things than him from the event with Rin to his relationship with Kisa to then the birth of his little sister.

Kureno choosing to get his hands a little dirtier and paying the ultimate price for it (as far as we know so far in the anime lol) was great, he is the moon side of Tohru's sunshine.

Shigure... I still don't really get him and Akito's relationship. It's clear he's waiting for Akito to grow the fuck up but at the same time he's not creating an environment for her to grow and develop. He's decided to go with the 'tough love' route which I'm still deciding whether I like it or not tbh. Sometimes it feels necessary, at other times it feels shitty. I respect that he knows he's a scumbag and I don't deny that there are people out there who take revelry in the fact that they are awful but at the same time, him remaining unchanging despite everything feels... unrealistic. But considering throughout this story he doesn't seem affected by trauma, it's understandable, I guess?

Also... that scene where Shigure ponders about whether he should've been with Tohru is THE creepiest creeper shit he's EVER done in this series. No. 🙅🏾‍♀️

Momiji is best bunny boi regardless of how tall and 'manly' he becomes. 🐰His scene with Akito was so authentically him and he really did that shit. We love him. <3

I love the way that the curse breaking should (on surface) be a happy event considering all the trauma the zodiac went through because of it but it's presented mostly as loss as well as happiness. It's the realness of getting out of a bad relationship

Shigure basically laying it out to Tohru how Kyo means nothing in a very taunting way was an excellently painful scene and I choose violence. It was heartbreaking seeing how worthless they all saw Kyo compared to how Tohru saw him but... by this point I was just living in the pain so 🤷🏾‍♀️

The story visually showing how Isuzu is more willing to be soft after her whole ordeal through her fashion choices (e.g. the pastels, the cardigans) was really nice. And Haru being happy about Isuzu making friends with Tohru was cute!

It was nice we saw that Kazuma was still wary about whether Tohru loved Kyo for the right reasons, you'd assume after everything Kazuma would love Tohru as a match for Kyo but he's so emotionally intelligent and also just a protective Dad! Yay, good parenting!

Tohru's confession to loving Kyo was amazing however I still adore Kyo's confession a little bit more. Just a bit. Lol. However, if you add the moment later in episode 8 it trumps it completely. Ethereal goddess.

Kyo and Tohru's grandfather having a scene together was great and nice

Now that I think about it, I wish there was more a visual link in the story between Tohru adapting her speech to imitate her Dad and Momiji adopting his Mum's German accent. Albeit for slightly different reasons, it just adds to the unique connection Tohru and Momiji have. In short, I'm seeing this ship with my third eye now. I get it lol

I don't wanna screencap the scene where Kyo is haunted by both his deceased mother and deceased Kyoko and potentially deceased Tohru because it's the stuff of nightmares. But, it was a wonderfully done scene. You definitely understand fully and clearly why Kyo buried all of that trauma under his hatred for Yuki (I CAN'T WAIT FOR EPISODE 9, YOU GUISE!)

If Akito is a villain, Ren is the final boss. Although, with her type of villainy... I feel like I can kind of enjoy a bit more. She reminds me of a Greek God in the ways she master manipulates people and her desperation for control and power (I just read 'Mythos' by Stephen Fry, it's a great read lol)

It lowkey feels like every female character who's comfortable in expressing their sexuality in this story is punished in some way for it... this is an incomplete thought

Shigure as a child feeling like they should all be pitied is so... mature... I feel like I need more of an explanation for why Shigure is the way he is

Akito's ego death with Kureno? Amazing. I loved that she was at least aware enough to realise how Kureno had been coddling her all this time but again... doesn't excuse her crimes

But anyways...

EPISODE 8

Honestly? I really don't have much to say about this episode besides 3-5 points I wanna get out of my head. It's not a bad thing at all, it's just that there's still a lot left to play out from this 'arc' and this season in general that I wanna complete my thoughts on.

But I'll start with this:

Lol, isn't it funny?! Isn't it heart-wrenchingly funny how the relationship between Kyo and Tohru has kinda reverted back to how they were at the start of the series? The coldness of Kyo at the beginning of this episode (and throughout) was a bit of a gut punch considering all the light and fluffy moments that we've gotten between the two since the True Form arc.

Talking about the True Form arc, I feel like this episode is somewhat a repeat of the same emotions, same trials of the True Form arc. Kyo still 'runs away like he always has' but this time we get him being the most honest and confrontational with his own emotions and trauma than he ever has been during the course of this whole story. While trusting someone (Tohru specifically) for the first time with the whole truth of his story! He always seems to move one step forward and then three steps backwards and while it's a tad bit frustrating, it feels very... real. I'll probably complete my feelings how this arc reflects the True Form arc when we finish this section of the story in future episode(s).

Considering the fact that 80% of this episode is Jerry Jewell monologuing as Kyo and I never got bored really just sells his performance. Kyo was being incredibly cold this episode and yet the range of emotions through his performance made it feel understandable enough for you to empathise with it.

BrattyKid!Kyo to lighten the mood 😹I still wish he and Hiro had more of a relationship, I feel like they could have taught each other a lot. Well... mostly Kyo teaching Hiro tbh

Kyo rejecting Kyoka for her honesty and kindness and then later rejecting Tohru? Oh... kid...

Wow, I felt so good about that whole episode of Kid!Yuki helping Kid!Tohru get home and then it's slightly soured knowing KID!KYO was running about the streets alllll night into the morning?!?! I really did feel Kyo's frustration at not getting that win to actually do something right. And the irony of that being linked to him being unable to save Kyoka from the oncoming car?

Honestly, I don't know what my feelings are on Kyo being unable to save Kyoka. I don't even know what my feelings are on Tohru pretty much pushing that aside in favour of her feelings for Kyo. It's... complicated and I've been mulling it over in my head for the last 10+ years hahah However, if I was in Tohru's position I think I'd eventually come to a point where it feels like it's too late to really do anything about how bad I'd feel about it. Kyo's intentions weren't horrid, if anything he was just being a scared kid and he's allowed to be that. I just wish Tohru had a bit more time to evaluate it but considering she knew her mother well and assumes that wouldn't have been the full scope of what she had said, I don't have much of a problem with it in general

Lol, I love when Tohru gets a 'FUCK YOU, I LOVE YOU' moment with Kyo. 😂Another reflected scene from the True Form arc... only thing is that this time... it doesn't quite work. 😕

(Again, I love how all of these reflections are resolved in later occurences in response to the duality but I'll get to it next week when it shows hopefully)

Laura Bailey only had a few sentences in this episode but she killed it as always. Comparing her performance in 2001 to now is just... growth!

Ok, so Yuki automatically gets Best Boi in this episode for meddling and chasing after KYO of all people. Showing how he's personally done with hating Kyo. Realising Kyo is pretty much the only person who'll make his mother happy. I think he also lowkey wants to understand Kyo? But, we'll get to that next week.

....Oh yeah, Akito is there.

--------------------------------------------------------------

In total, I liked this episode even though it has me anxious for the next one. We finally get the full picture of why Kyo is the way he is! Ahhhh - a weight off all our chests, I'm sure. I kinda don't like that they put the ending theme at the end of these episodes - the joyfulness doesn't really match up with the intense theme? But, that's just a minor gripe. And hey, maybe they just want the audience to know... it's all gonna be okay :)

See you next week!!!

[palaugranetes]

🔵BLAUGRANETS🔴

22 OCTOBER 2020

Riqui: Well I guess there is no other choice than doing this..

Pedri: Do what?

Riqui Added Arnau

Riqui: Well we have another one here. At this rate, we might as well just include the whole squad. BUT Welcome to this adult free mess bro!

Iñaki: 💙❤💙❤💙❤

Carlitos: Benvingut nanu!

Ronald: MANITO!!!!

Ronald: Look at you using those braincells @Riqui

Riqui: Nothing new

Ansu: BRO!!!! @Arnau 💙❤

Arnau: What even is this?

Frenkie: Adult Free Space.

Frenkie: WELCOME!! ❤💙

Arnau: Why is this even?

Francisco: Well I really am not quite sure of that yet.. But welcome!!!

Carlitos: This exists because we are sick and tired of the grown-ups.

Arnau: Who are the grown-ups? Aren't we all technically grown-ups?

Arnau: Well beside Ansu and Pedri.

Ansu: BOY DO NOT.

JC: 😂😂😂😂😂

Dembz: 😂😂😂😂😂

Ansu: 😒😒😒

JC:"Dembz: 😂😂😂😂😂"

Dembz: 🤜🏿

Ansu: I hate both of you so much.

Frenkie: It's only a week.. Just hang in there🤭🤭

Ansu: 😒😒

Pedri: 🙄🙄🙄

23 OCTOBER 2020

Carlitos: Anyways.. What I meant is that we are sick and tired of the ones in charge, their incompetence and their stupidity.

Riqui: Here here 🍻

Ronald: Thought popcorn was your TM

Riqui: 🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿

Riqui: Happy Now?

Ronald: Elated!

Arnau: Ahhh I get it now. I see your point.

Arnau: So how long has this been going on?

Pedri: Like a month or so

Francisco: We still don't know what is happening here most of the times

Sergiño: Hey dude!! Another newbie here!! Welcome @Arnau

Arnau: 🤗🤗🤗

Ansu: What we do know is that El Clasico is tomorrow and I am about to jump out of my skin!

Riqui: I mean...

Carlitos: What do you guys think?

JC: Well what version of FCB is going to show up.. It depends on that.

Arnau: I really cannot sit through another Getafe type match... there aren't enough hugs in the world.

Iñaki: I feel ya bro.. pure torture.

Ronald: Look we tried..

Riqui: No Ronald.. You did.

Carlitos: And now that Jordi is back .. Y'all need to try harder.

Carlitos: I mean I love the guy but he needs to remember how to football.

Riqui: You say y'all as if any of us not named Frenkie Ansu and Sergiño is going to start.. Don't drag all of us into that mess..

Ansu: 🙄🙄

Carlitos: Oh no no Nanu I am happy for you.

Riqui: We'd be dead were it not for you kiddo.

Sergiño: I am just glad I'll be back to the right flank tbh

Sergiño: Like I'll play wherever I'm asked but...

Pedri: Exactly.. Imagine me playing on the left.. I'll do it sure of course, I'll try my best but it is not my favorite.

Francisco: Well I think it's natural.

Riqui: Ever since Antoine spoke he has been benched 🤭

Carlitos: Are we sure that is the only reason?

Riqui: Jeez

Dembz: 😐😐😐😐

Carlitos: Sorry.. But I only say this because I know what he can do..

Dembz: I guess we are all rusty...

Riqui: I wouldn't know.. I've played all of 10 minutes..

Carlitos: 🙄

JC: Well y'all better not make me watch for nothing.

Riqui: Again.. Can't help you there bro.

JC: WHOEVER IT IS. DO NOT.

Riqui: Sometimes I wish Puyi is here just to like make them focus.

Carlitos: Remember when he yelled at Geri? 😂😂

Riqui: Which time 😂😂

Carlitos: All of them 😂

Ansu: OMG GUYS!!

Ansu: We should ask for his help.

Francisco: To come and make 'us' focus??

Pedri: It doesn't work that way dude.

Ansu: NO! With Geri

JC: I'm listening

Dembz: Are we really going to go ask for help from Carles Puyol?! Ansumane are you nuts!?

Ansu: GOT ANY BETTER IDEAS OUSMANE!?

Dembz: No..

Dembz: And stop yelling @Iñaki is probably asleep.

Frenkie: We all should be ...

Ansu: BUT my Puyi idea.

Ronald: Can wait till after El Clasico.

Ronald: Go to sleep now

Ansu: 😒

24 OCTOBER 2020

JC: 4 OUT OF 11!!!

JC: Oh for fuck sake😒

JC: ANSU YOU BRILLIANT GENIUS I COULD KISS YOU!!!

..........

JC: I AM GOING TO KICK HIM! PHIL WHAT!!!!?!?!?!?!?!

JC: What the fuck was that shit....

JC: But it wasn't...

JC: I give up.. Screw this..

...........

Arnau: This blows.

Iñaki: Once again.. pure torture.

Arnau: No but we were doing actually okay..

Iñaki: I mean.. relatively so-so.. we could have had it...

Arnau: What even was that 2nd ..

Iñaki: Bro.. Let it go..

Arnau: 🤦🏼‍♂️🤦🏼‍♂️

Iñaki: 😐

Ansu: I hate us so much.

Pedri: I should not have said anything the other day..

Pedri: I jinxed myself.

Francisco: That was horrible

Sergiño: Truly awful

Riqui: I am going to keep my comments to myself.

Riqui: Because if I speak, I will get in trouble.

Carlitos: Okay José.

Riqui: HOW DARE YOU.

Carlitos: It was a José move.

Ansu: I just... WHY TAKE ME OUT SO EARLY!

Dembz: A Mess.

Frenkie: So we are just going to get a penalty every time we breathe next to a player!?

JC: BS. Just that.. BS.

Ansu: Siempre igual.

Frenkie: I hate this.

Riqui: We all do.

25 OCTOBER 2020

Ronald: On the bright side..

Riqui: There is not one bright side in this

Ronald: There is.

Ronald: The fact that it's over.

Riqui: Okay one bright side to this. And now we have Juventus next.

Riqui: Without Gerard

Riqui: Which means he will have time...

Riqui: Which means we are screwed.

Carlitos: I would like to go back to the match please.

Riqui: So I was right.. There is no bright side.

Dembz: Dammit.

Riqui: Good night.

Pedri: Night!

JC: See ya later

Carlitos: Nanit!

Sergiño: ✌🏽

26 OCTOBER 2020

Frenkie: They did not just say that.. 🤦🏼‍♂️

Frenkie: As if we needed more backlash...

Carlitos: WHY WOULD THEY EVEN SPEAK!??

Carlitos: WHEN HAS THAT EVER HELPED ANYONE?!

Riqui: Just leave already for the love of everything good...

Riqui: We are a meme Club I swear...

Riqui: When has complaining ever benefited us ever?!

Carlitos: As if they don't know

Ansu: Did he really say that or did I hallucinate it!?

Riqui: They did kiddo

Carlitos: They did kiddo.

JC: Yikes

Francisco: What is the point?

Arnau: What is the point of their existence really

Iñaki: They have so many problems coming their way, the guys say they are taking action against them

Arnau: Well they should have let them finish the season and not just send them off like that.. They deserved to play the play-offs.

Iñaki: Don't remind me.

Arnau: Can the president just issue an arrest warrant against them already?!

Riqui: I wish

Carlitos: THE AUDACITY OF THEM TRYING TO POSTPONE THE REFERENDUM. THE AUDACITY.

Riqui: I hope they end up in Jail. Or like exiled.. whichever can happen quicker..

Ansu: We cannot have one day of peace in this place.

Riqui: How else will the time pass..

Ansu: I rather not have it pass in stress.

Carlitos: Well.. tough.

Riqui: And another one tomorrow.

Riqui: AND FOR WHAT... JUST LEAVE

Sergiño: I am having such a dèjà-vu..

Riqui: About?

Sergiño: Tr*mp..

Riqui: Well.. Kinda.. sorta..

Riqui: Like.. take away the mania and psychopathic behavior and total lack of human empathy and decency... yeah it could be him

Sergiño: I meant the desperate need for him to just leave.

Riqui: Oh well yes that... spot on.

Carlitos: we have to wait more I guess.... But now Juve.

Frenkie: Exactly. Juve.

Ansu: Ronald's big moment. Hope he doesn't screw it up.

Ronald: Appreciate the vote of confidence.. really. So sweet.

Ansu: Anytime broski Anytime.

Pedri: Did you really just say broski?

Ansu: And what about it?

Pedri: Nothing..

Ansu: Mhm...

27 OCTOBER 2020

JC: Another meeting today?

Riqui: Yep

JC: Evening?

Riqui: Yep

JC: You think he will?

Riqui: Who the hell knows.. He might be coming out to announce a new sponsor for all I know

Carlitos: I hear he will

Ansu: Will he though?

Carlitos: Well I'm not his babysitter but I hope so.

Ansu: We shall see.

Frenkie: Ready to take off to Torino?

Pedri: YES!!

Francisco: Cannot wait tbh

Francisco: I saw Gerard today and he was being very suspicious.

Riqui: I do not need this now

Sergiño: I hung out with him during training this morning.. He seemed normal

Dembz: So what is the truth...

Ronald: All I know is he has time now.

Ronald: And I feel sorry for you guys..

Ronald: Not you @Riqui 💙 and Sergi would agree

Riqui: 😒 I hate you 💙

...............

Arnau: HOLY CRAP HE DID IT!!!

Arnau: WE ARE FREE!!!!!!

Carlitos: I cannot believe it. Someone slap me.

Carlitos: I DID NOT MEAN IT LITERALLY RONALD!

Ronald: You asked.

Riqui: I JUST... I WOULD LIKE TO SAY....

Riqui: 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

Carlitos: WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN A EUROPEAN SUPER LEAGUE.. BRO!!

Ansu: Like I said.. We cannot have not 1 moment of peace.

Riqui: Is he really playing a victim?!

Carlitos: Great... more games for us not to play😒

Ansu: But things are changing.. so

Frenkie: Oh wow.. oh wow.. OH WOW

Francisco: What even is the point of a Super league?!

Francisco: It's like the Nations' League.. What is the point of that

Pedri: Money.

Pedri: 🤷🏻‍♂️

Francisco: Fair point.

Iñaki: Isn't everything?

Francisco: Yep.

Dembz: So now what guys?...

Riqui: Now we are free. We wait for the new President.

Riqui: And maybe a new coach 🙄

Dembz: I dig that.

Pedri: How do you guys think Leo is feeling??

Ansu: I wonder what the adults gc is like right now.

Ansu: Dammit Carles when are you going to be useful!

Carlitos: RUDE MUCH

Ansu: We need to know

Riqui: 😂

Frenkie: So now that he is gone.. What are we going to complain about in this Club.

Riqui: It's us.. We always have something. But enjoy this Win bro

Frenkie: I am.

Sergiño: I hope we can enjoy more wins

Francisco: Leo must be very happy.

Riqui: I wanna post something.. but I don't know if I should.

Dembz: Do it subtly.

Arnau: Have you met him? He doesn't know subtlety.

Riqui: I brought you here to back me up dude not join them😒

[stateofgrace1303]

My chronic illness, how it started.

*Can you guys please reblog and/or tag Taylor?? I really want her to read

this. I want this to get to her and I'll take any help I can get. I rarely ask this but it'd mean to world to me. I wanna get my story

out there (even if this is only a part of the entire story. The rest I

might post sometime if you guys want me too. I think I did include

everything I wanted to for now though). Just thank you all so much!!! I

love you all ❤*

(Im really sorry about how long this is. Its like a little novel. Plus I'm

OCD and tend to talk/rant until it feels just right... I just wanted to

share it with all of you, since its something I would've shared on TSL,

even though it'd probably be too long for there... But I wanted to share it

here because most of those swifties can be found on tumblr, and I want you

all to hear this... Maybe it'll even get to Taylor too. But please read if

you can. It'd mean a lot to me. Also I tried writing this but then it got

deleted when I tried posting it, so hopefully this one posts (I ended up trying to post this ALL DAY. I'm so glad it's finally up).)

Hey Swifties! So, I thought I would post this because its something I'd

post on TSL if it was still around, as I shared pretty much my whole life

on there, and I always found swifties very easy to talk to (plus you're all

just the nicest people)! So, I wanted to share this on here since most

swifties can be found on tumblr. I'm sure i talked a little bit about this

on tsl (my user was stateofgrace1303, same as on here and ig) but I wanted

to tell you guys more, especially because its getting so much more intense

now and like I said I've always found swifties very easy to talk to you.

Basically, when I was 12, my dad took me to see the RED tour at Gillette

Stadium. We had gone to see the Speak Now tour there and I had been

completely wonderstruck (no pun intended) by Taylor that night. I was 10 at

the speak now tour and had idolized Taylor since I was 6 and she put out

TOMG (and I was known as the Taylor Swift girl by now at my school). So

even though I was 10 I asked my dad, if I save up the money will you take

me to see her when she comes again? And he said yes. About 2 weeks before

the show, I had saved up enough. He didn't think i could do it, but I did.

So, I got tickets and we went to the tour. But when I was walking towards

the stadium (we had parked in a lot right down the street), my vision

became weird, almost like tunnel vision although nothing was turning black

around the edges of my vision. My feet looked very far away from me.

Suddenly, a rush of dizziness came over me and instinctively i grabbed onto

my dads arm to keep from falling down. He asked if I was okay and I could

barely get out words for some reason. I was starting to sweat and we

thought maybe i was dehydrated, so we got into the stadium as quickly as

possible. I was gripping onto everything around me to keep from falling,

but eventually we got into the stadium and I got some water. We had seats

on the field, so that's where I was, drinking some water when suddenly I

was pretty sure I was going to throw up. It was starting to get super

uncomfortable so my dad brought my to the first aid, which was actually

right at the enterance on the field. So when we went in there my dad told

them what was going on and they all looked at me weird and said "people

never get sick. We usually treat bee stings and allergic reactions. We

almost never have people get sick" which actually surprised me. But, they

took me back and laid me down. Almost immediately I started puking. The

nurse I had actually had just had a baby and had some anti nausea

medication on her. So, she gave me that but it didn't work. And I just got

worse. My dad went to find me something to eat so I'd have something in my

stomach. He came back with some chips and iced/frozen lemonade but I threw

up every time. I was so dizzy at this point I was gripping onto the bed

they had me on and puking my guts out, as well as sweating a lot. After a

while, as it only got worse, they actually thought I might have had food

posioning and asked what I ate. But there they noticed something. I was

completely white. Like white as a ghost. Except for my lips, which were

turning blue. And I was struggling to breathe. They wanted to take me to

Boston Childrens and my dad asked if I wanted to, but it was Taylor. I

couldn't miss it. So I said no for that reason. But actually, everyone at

the stadium was trying to get me tickets for the show the next night as she

was playing two nights. Security guards, the nurses, my dads girlfriend...

But nobody could get tickets in the end which was okay. But later my dad

went and for a list of everybody's set times. I had been in first aid for

about an hour at this point. He came back with the list and said "I promise

I will not let you miss them" he said and pointed to Ed Sheerans name, then

Taylor, since I was a huge Ed fan as well. He knew I probably wouldn't be

able to stay, but even seeing them for a minute would've been perfect to

me. Another hour had passed, and I was still there in the same condition.

It was terrifying, and they were really pushing me to go to the hospital

(they wanted to call an ambulance because they actually thought something

very bad might happen if they didn't). But I keep pushing that off because

I wanted to see Taylor and Ed so badly. But, 2 hours I had been there in

the same condition, puking up everything, completely white with blue lips,

struggling to breathe, so dizzy I couldn't even sit up. It was starting to

get painful honestly. So, I suddenly just burst out crying. I was just a 12

year old who wanted to see my idol, and I got this... This weird sickness,

and got stuck in first aid. In so much pain. I didn't even really

understand what was happening. I had always been a sick kid. Always getting

colds and infections. In fact, I almost died as a baby from a problem with

my kidneys, and had become septic. Its a miracle I lived. But I had never

experienced anything like this... And to experience it when I was just

trying to see my idol? When it was only my second concert ever? It crushed

me tbh. My dad asked what was wrong and I finally said the words I had been

avoiding all night... "I wanna go home" (which was actually his

girlfriend's house who lived in Boston... I'm from Maine). And he said

"okay". That was all he needed and he left, walking back towards where we

left the car. However, around 7:30ish the traffic in this area is really

weird I cant even explain it. But traffic can only go one way, instead of

both ways like normal.. So he couldn't get a ride back to the car and had

to walk, and then drive the car in traffic all the way to the stadium to

pick me up. So i had to wait a while, and while I did I heard clapping and

then a British voice say "hello Boston" and he started playing give me

love. I listened to him play and i only cried more because I was so

frustrated I couldn't go out there to see him. About half way through the

set, my dad showed up. They let him park in a no parking zone to come and

get me so he was right next to the enterance to the field. They were going

to put me in a wheelchair, but instead my dad came and helped me up. He was

holding me up straight and almost dragged me out of the first aid station,

into the stadium. I remember this part so well. The air hit me, I heard

Ed's voice clearly and saw him on stage, and suddenly, I let go of my dad,

and I was able to stand on my own... And I was fine. It was like a miracle.

I yelled to my dad over the music "is it too late to stay?" And he screamed

back "what??? After all that you wanna stay???" And I said yes, so, we

stayed. He went to go move the car (the girl was so nice who did the

parking, he told her the story, and he just needs to park the car and het

back in the stadium, how much would it cost. And the girl said park

wherever you want no charge. I thought that was seriously the sweetest

thing.) Sooo he did that, and since I was only 12 in a huge stadium, one of

the cops that was patroling the place stayed with me and asked me all kinds

of questions about Ed Sheeran, especially about the A-Team, when he played

it. He said "this isn't his song right?? Is this a cover?? I know this

song." And I told him it wad and told him all about it. It was the ideal

conversation for 12 year old me 😂 Anyway, my dad came back, we got to our

seats, and I actually met Andrea for a very brief moment! And before I knew

it, Taylor was playing. And I had made it through the entire show. I woke

up the next morning, still feeling a little sick but actually felt better

after eating, so I thought the worst was over. But, I was wrong... I didn't

know that one night would become my life... And god I wish I had gone to

the hospital... Maybe I would be okay now if I had... But anyway... A month

later (in August), it happened at my friends end of summer party. Then a

month later (in September), while I was at school... Each time worse than

the time before. Everyone had been informed I was having issues, but nobody

had seen anything happen yet. I seemed like myself. Then one day, I was on

my way to lunch with my friends, and I collapsed in the hallway... Same

thing happening. All my friends freaked out and 2 stayed with me while the

rest went to get the nurse. She actually thought I was dying, and honestly

I could've. She called my mom and said she wasn't sure if she should call

my mom or an ambulance. Then my mom came and got me and immedaitly took me

to my doctor (because she said next time it happens to come in so they

could monitor me). I was monitored and fell asleep, then 4 hours later i

woke up like nothing happened. After that i was pulled out of school and

constantly at the doctor. And I just got sicker and sicker... Which was

later diagnosed as... "Anxiety". By an unqualified doctor. He was a thyroid

doctor and diagnosed me with that?? As time went on, I got incredibly sick

to the point I can't even move. I have become completely disabled and lose

control of my body a lot. It's like my brain is disconnected from my body.

And I get this weird feeling im falling off a cliff and I cant feel my arms

and when that happens, I cant move at all. I cant even express how bad it

can get, how scary and painful it is. I'm a lot sicker than most people

think I am... I spend most days in bed, actually unable to move. I find

ways to keep my spirits up, luckily. Mostly its listening to Taylor and

watching friends but yeah 😂 I have days where I can't even sit up I'm so

dizzy and weak and it hurts so much. Its also terrifying when you don't

have full control over your own body. Absoultely terrifying. Although I

have okay days where I can stand up and function for a little bit, most

days lately have been like this... Bad and living from my bed due to

weakness and dizziness (extreme dizziness honestly). I have days where its

even a struggle to breathe, the most simple thing in the world. It gets

depressing at times... When you spend all ur time in bed or a wheelchair it

really can vet discouraging... But I'm still fighting. And I'm so happy I

am. And like I said, Taylor always lifts me up. Even on my worst, most

disabled and bed ridden days. Oh, that reminds me... I also have seizures

now, sadly. But I hadn't had what happened that night at the RED tour in a

while though... Until one night last year... While I was seeing Ed Sheeran

in Gillette Stadium 😂 Maybe its him?? I dont know 😂 Anyway, I spend most

days in bed, and I do online schooling now. I've seen Taylor twice since

then. For 1989 and for reputation. With 1989 I needed a lot of help but I

got through it. Reputation, it had gotten so bad I needed a wheelchair and

I still do whenever I go out, really. I dont have full control over my body

and I'm too weak and just very sick. I'm really hoping to go to lover fest

but if i do will need a wheelchair and even then I'll probably still feel

sick... But Taylors worth it ❤ Hopefully can get ada seating like with rep.

Wanted to keep this last part short but I think I failed 😂 Mainly wanted

to focus on the red tour. My health story is so incredibly long, I couldn't

say it all (maybe I will later). However, for now, I will tell you this, I

was diagnosed with a thyroid disease, migraines, and seizures. Then it was

discovered that all of this... Was advanced Lyme Disease... And it created

something called Dysautonomia (basically a disfunction of the autonomic

nervous system, which most people don't even realize they have, or how

important it is, until it makes you sick and either nearly kills or

cripples you... Depending on the kind though.) Also known as POTS, or

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (there are actually 15 kids of

dysautonomia, that being one of them, I might possibly have more than one

kinda, were not sure yet. But its basically half cardiology half

neurology). And there's no cure... I could be this way, this disabled and

sick for a while... But there are treatments that might work luckily!!!

Since there are no Dysautonomia clinics in Maine, I either have to go to

New York, Baltimore, Cleveland, or Minneapolis. So looks like im taking a

trip! Sadly to a hospital, but still 😊 I honestly don't know how we'll pay

for it, but I need it, or I will spend my life like this. So I'm sure we'll

find a way... Like I always seem to do in life, no matter what 😊❤ Oh, and

funny thing is, I have something called PANS as well... So I have Pots and

Pans 😂😂😂 Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you guys because like

I said you guys are always so great and Taylor is my favorite artist so I

wanted to share it with the people who understand my love for her. I've

been a huge fan of her for 13 years (I'm 18, 19 next month, now). Theres

something about her... She's always helped me but especially now. She makes

me so happy and feel so safe during this time... Im fact, the only time i

smile like i did when I was younger,before all of this, is when I listen to

Taylor. I even have a Long Live tattoo on my wrist because I felt it

represented my love for her the most, and what we've made as a fandom, the

magic we've created. Plus, it reminds me that I'm fighting my battle (this

"dragon") with Taylor and her music on my side, as well as all of you. And

it makes me smile. I can't wait to get more Taylor tattoos... Honestly,

after all of this and the other health issues I faced as a baby and a

child, I can't believe I'm still here, that I'm still living... Especially

because since I've always been so sick with so many different illnesses and

health issues to the point I'm disabled, my immune system is so weak. I

truly cannot believe I'm still here. But... I guess my body just isn't

ready to give up. It hasn't yet at least!!! And it doesn't want to. It

won't. I'm strong. Me, and my body, want to fight until the very end. And

I'm grateful for that. So grateful that I am still alive, and still

fighting every day of my life. It might be hard, and I can't function or do

really anything but lay in bed and watch tv most days, but I'm just so

thankful that I'm still alive, that it's okay I have to be at the doctors

so much and have to take all these meds (I do anything at this point that

can help me even the slighest). And no matter what life throws at my

health, my body always fights it and gets right back up. I fall down 10

times, I stand up 11. And I could not have the courage and strength to do

this if it wasn't for my idol, Taylor Swift. I've been a fan of Taylor for

13 years (I'm 18 now, 19 next month) so her and her music have helped me

through every problem I have ever faced, and this is no different. She has

a song for everything, so I can always find something to listen to that

makes me feel like she understands and she's telling me it'll be okay...

And ever since LOVER came out, I've been listening to soon you'll get

better on days its really bad, and my girlfriend sends me that song on bad

days too... It makes me feel safe. And like I can fight this. Thank you,

Taylor. I will never be able to repay you. I may struggle with this every

single day im here on earth, but with your music and the support I feel

from the swiftie fam, I know I'll get through it. Anyway... I guess I

should end this here. Again, sorry this is so long but if you read this

thank you so much for taking the time to!! If you made it to this point,

I'm proud 😂❤ And it means the world to me, you have no idea. Im hoping

this will get to Taylor and maybe even Ed one day. I love you all so much

and once again, thank you for reading!! ❤❤❤

@taylorswift @taylornation 🌈❤ @taylornotices 💜

(Pic is from when I was in First Aid at Ed Sheeran. It was so bad there

they had to give me an IV. I was in the first aid station, wrapped up in my

nightmare before Christmas blanket, on a stretcher with an IV in my hand

pretty much the entire night. It was so painful. When I arrived to first

aid I was actually unresponsive. Like I knew what was happening but I

couldn't talk or open my eyes. All I could do was make very small

movements. It felt like my body was shutting down. I was having bad heart issues as well and they wanted to give me a medicine fot my nausea but since I had lyme disease it could make my heart issues worse so they had to give me an EKG... Right there at the concert 😂 Interesting... But, I got through it.

Like always 😊 So yeah thats where the

picture is from ❤)

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Amelia

Jac: what did you do that for Amelia: What? Jac: the presents Amelia: I had to go 🎁🛍 for my parents and it took like 10 minutes Jac: you went to three different shops, at least Amelia: yeah because what else was I going to do before they picked me back up Jac: study for your theory Jac: be one Amelia: 🥱 Jac: I ain't got you nothing Amelia: I don't want anything Jac: then that's a present in itself, I guess Amelia: yeah, you getting another from me by taking the out you were just given Jac: it was already 3-1 do you really have to add to your score Amelia: Always Jac: 🙄 Jac: were you invited then Amelia: to? Jac: Is' party Amelia: Yeah Amelia: but I don't know if it was by Is or her mum Amelia: or if we're talked enough that she'd really want me there Jac: yeah Jac: interesting choice, on her part Amelia: If I get there and her mum engineered it or it's obvious Is doesn't want me around I'll just give her the 🎁 and go Jac: you're going? Amelia: I have the 💌 I think I have to Jac: unlucky then Amelia: don't worry, I won't insist that you're my date Amelia: as a favour Jac: to her, so that's not another gift to me Amelia: it definitely is Amelia: you don't want to go Jac: wasn't invited Jac: but I do have somewhere better to be, which is unlucky for you Amelia: I'm not inviting you or mourning the loss of not having you with me Jac: well I was going to invite you to a party that wouldn't be sad as shit Jac: but if that's how you feel then alright Amelia: no you weren't Jac: Why would I say I was if I weren't, weirdo Jac: you know those really cool twins in 6th, Nat and Vee? Amelia: because I've already said I have to go to Is' and I don't really want to and you want to make me feel even worse Amelia: here's what I could've won Jac: Rude Jac: At Christmas, you have to tell the truth Jac: I thought you might wanna come and stare at them Jac: that's all Amelia: my parents literally lied to me about 🎅 for 8 years so no, you don't Amelia: and I don't know who you mean Jac: you can't lie about myths Jac: he could be real, they can't confirm nor deny Jac: anyway, yes you do Jac: Vee especially is pretty gay looking, she's Bi, I think Jac: [sends her these gals pictures] Amelia: if there's mistletoe I'll come Amelia: after I've been to Is' Jac: they throw really good parties, so I've been informed Jac: don't waste too much time then Amelia: okay Jac: I knew you'd like her Amelia: you sound like a really creepy mastermind in a lair Jac: I do live below ground now so Amelia: you can be mole, I'll be rat Jac: I suppose you've just been as insulting to yourself Amelia: 😂 Amelia: I'd have bought you that 📖 too but I know you've already read it Jac: It's good to have as many classics under your belt as possible Amelia: How did you know I'd like her? Jac: I've got eyes, don't need to be a huge gay Amelia: you just need to be hugely 🥴 Jac: Nah, I fucked their brother Amelia: I meant to 'like' anyone, I don't want or need to know that Jac: 🤷 Amelia: I'm serious Jac: Alright whatever Jac: and it's not true anyway, if it was I wouldn't be in this fucking mess would I Amelia: what mess? Amelia: you're going to need to be more specific Jac: ha ha Jac: if I only liked people when I was wasted, literally would not be here having this conversation Amelia: you're having this conversation because you can't bring yourself to say thanks for the gifts, Amelia Jac: If you expected a thank you, you wouldn't have given them to me Jac: if Sav was still here, this wouldn't be happening at all, is the point Amelia: we're dancing around it, that's okay, I'm a good dancer Jac: you aren't that good, humblebrag Amelia: at Christmas, you have to tell the truth, supposedly Jac: what, your ego is big but not big enough to deal? 😏 Amelia: giving me a compliment won't cause you to immediately wither and die, I'm sorry Jac: Precisely why I'd never bother, my dear Amelia: you've done enough anyway Jac: have I Amelia: I'll get loads at the parties Jac: cocky Amelia: I'm thinking they can't all be unwanted ones, naïve or optimistic if anything Jac: probably Jac: least you won't have to help Isabelle blow out her candles Amelia: if her mum made the cake they'll probably be lopsided and a 🔥 hazard Jac: true Jac: they usually tasted pretty good though Amelia: true Amelia: I'll stay for some Jac: don't offer to get me a party bag then Amelia: I'll just do it, whether you say you want one or not Jac: gift giving is your top love language, I get it Amelia: I just know you, that's all Jac: you know that I'm fat, is it Amelia: oh please Amelia: I'm not giving you a compliment that easily or obviously Jac: I'm probably not in the mood to work for it Amelia: 🤷 Jac: 🥱 Amelia: if you've got something better to do, go do it Jac: getting ready for the party, aren't I Jac: avoiding my family Amelia: right Jac: everything's always an ulterior motive with you Amelia: no it's not Jac: why can't we just have a conversation then Jac: we've done worse Amelia: because you're not in the mood evidently Jac: you're the one that's got fuck all to say Amelia: everything's always my fault with you Jac: I'm bored and you're doing nothing about it Amelia: that isn't my first priority Jac: then I'll find someone who's it is Amelia: okay Jac: 👏 Amelia: Sav's not here, remember Jac: don't bother coming to this party Jac: and if you show anyway, don't bother coming to find me Amelia: It wasn't about you, it's about the hosts Jac: I invited you, not them Amelia: and now you've uninvited me so same difference Jac: doesn't magically mean you're wanted Jac: I'm not gonna just turn up at Isabelle's house Amelia: I'm used to the feeling by now, so again, it's not going to bother me Jac: you're all being extra infuriating today Jac: jesus christ Amelia: yeah well Amelia: I don't know what to say to Is or to do Jac: you can't do anything Jac: but she's literally the most forgiving person to doormat degrees Jac: you'll barely have to say anything and she'll happy cry Amelia: Please come Jac: She won't wanna see me Amelia: re-read what you wrote before that Jac: it's different Jac: I'm not going to make her be my friend and forgive me, just because I know she would Jac: you didn't do anything wrong, really Amelia: I walked away, that's worse than anything you did Jac: it really isn't Jac: I'm too drunk now even if Jac: I'd only be a bitch by accident if not on purpose Amelia: at least wait for me then Amelia: we can go to the other party together Jac: Jesses got a show tonight Amelia: I know, I was invited to that too Amelia: everyone is Jac: not me Jac: I can't be here when they're leaving or everyone will try to force me and I'll die Jac: Jude is bad enough Amelia: Go to my 🏠 no ones there Jac: where are your parents Amelia: some dinner party thing Jac: alright Jac: thanks Amelia: I'll be back to get you after Is' Amelia: and my parents won't get back until we've left Jac: I can be gone before you, I just don't want to be here Jac: and Jude owes you her life so you can cash that in whenever you want Amelia: I don't want you to go without me or before me Jac: as long as it's for the right reasons Amelia: what are they? Jac: you know Jac: I'm just saying, if you're just saying that because you think I need to be on suicide watch or something too then I'll just have to hit you instead Amelia: I'm saying it because nobody shows up to cool parties early Jac: okay Jac: I'll wait Amelia: if you go through my 🎨 I'll be the one hitting you Jac: you shouldn't have said that Jac: but alright Jac: your parents are going to think I'm robbing you if they come back Jac: your mum better not get one of her famous migraines Amelia: I'm in danger of that if anyone is, don't worry Amelia: and it's clients of my dad's so she can't Amelia: he needs the 💸 Jac: take a nurofen and shut the fuck up 🐠 Jac: gotcha Amelia: 😂 Amelia: it's beyond unfair that she pretends to get them and I actually do Jac: it's because you're gay Jac: [that article 'cos it's true lmao] Amelia: oh my god Jac: actual proof of punishment from god or something else, you decide 🤔 Amelia: shhh Jac: oh, I'm sorry, is it your head Jac: I'll be quiet Amelia: no exorcist-ish apologies tonight will do fine Amelia: the dark room is being supplied Jac: at least you got one Jac: Jess is probably still waiting Amelia: he can hold his breath for a really long time 🏊🏼 Jac: helps with the singing Amelia: the show'll be online right? Amelia: I totally want to see it Jac: no doubt Jac: everything is Amelia: yeah, I figured Amelia: does that girl who's like obsessed with him still help him edit or did he finally pick up on her weirdness? Jac: I think she's still around Jac: I don't really ask Amelia: she's intense Jac: I hadn't really noticed but yeah Jac: I guess she is Amelia: maybe that's because I'm gay too Amelia: I could solve crimes Jac: no because it's only 'cos I was so into Sav that I don't know anything about it Amelia: that makes sense, I was so into you that I know too much about it Jac: that's not about me Jac: sounds like part-timer energy tbh Amelia: he's your brother Amelia: in your ⚪ Jac: if you say so Jac: maybe you're obsessed with him and you want rid of the competition Amelia: 🤢 Amelia: I'd more likely be obsessed with her and he's the competition so no because he's still living if not breathing while he holds his breath Jac: well I'm not even sure she exists now Jac: this is all some fantasy in your 🧠 Amelia: 👻 editor! Jac: ha 🤓 Amelia: 😎 Jac: yeah, I'll forward that to Vee, you'll be so in Amelia: you can't because I already wanna die Amelia: I'm so underdressed for this Amelia: everyone's 👗 Jac: what are you wearing, excuse the creep line Amelia: 😏 Amelia: but literally 👖 Jac: oh Amelia Jac: I've got more on to come sit at yours alone Amelia: it's because I'm gay, isn't it? 😕 Jac: yes but you always have been Jac: I doubt Is was expecting you to put on a party frock Amelia: she did say she liked my birthday one and that does haunt me Jac: well I think she was in a state of shock Jac: for good reason, as we all were Jac: myself not included, of course Amelia: 👧🏻 Amelia: thanks to my mum for everything Jac: cold ears for christmas Amelia: ear muffs gay or beanie gay? a fun quiz Jac: you want to be beanie but you're ear muffs Amelia: true Amelia: you're oversized scarf Jac: blanket but make it fashion Jac: duh Amelia: 🤗 Jac: Is is those massive felt hats everyone wears in Autumn Amelia: that's so accurate Jac: I know Jac: it's what I'm going to use my Psychology degree for Amelia: 😉 Amelia: what else is all that debt good for Jac: builds character Amelia: her 👗 is great though Amelia: I wouldn't but she won't be devastated that she did Jac: yeah? Amelia: Yeah Amelia: unlike me she doesn't seem to be having a really shit time Jac: has she talked to you? Amelia: not yet Jac: that's rude Amelia: Obviously she's said hi and thanked me for coming but I assumed that isn't what you meant Amelia: do you think I should leave? Jac: who's there Jac: is Kiersten with the braces Amelia: how did you guess? Jac: 'cos she's wanted to be mates with Is for ages but she thinks I'm stuck up Amelia: THAT'S rude Jac: she probably heard me and Savannah talking about her in Chemistry Jac: so she's got grounds Jac: who else, Gemma with the frizzy hair, Paige who told on you that time and got you your first detention... Amelia: Okay, before I tip this drink subtly over her, what did you say? Amelia: yeah and yeah Jac: it would've been Sav she overheard Jac: I'm quiet Amelia: and she's 📢👄 Amelia: sound probably really carries in Sligo Jac: I think she's got a boyfriend already Amelia: of course she will have Amelia: what else is she going to do at Catholic school when she isn't doing homework Jac: don't Amelia: I'm sorry Amelia: it's this, being here, I shouldn't have Jac: I don't think you can just leave though Jac: she probably doesn't want to talk talk like right now and ruin her party Jac: at least say you will, book in and a coffee in or something Amelia: it's not just that, it's too weird Amelia: there's like no place for me Jac: she's moved on hasn't she Amelia: yeah Jac: I shouldn't have made you walk away from her Amelia: you didn't Jac: I still feel like I did though Amelia: well whatever way you want to look at it, she's got new friends now Jac: so do you Jac: or could still Jac: Jess said everyone knows what your ex was like Amelia: he could've warned me Jac: I told him so Amelia: it doesn't matter, I don't have the energy Amelia: like you said, I should study more for my theory Jac: if it's any consolation, I am totally alone, and not just literally right now Amelia: you've got me, excuse you Jac: no, not friends, remember Amelia: ugh, fine Amelia: what are you doing though? Jac: I was about to ask if your parents were still as militant with their drink stash Jac: idk how they kept such a close eye on levels, crazy Amelia: they are but I'll be taking the risk and the punishment when I get there so feel free to start without me Amelia: as long as you don't get too drunk to go Jac: doubt they're so cool they need bouncers Amelia: I mean, I'll give you a 🐷y back or hold your hair but if you're 😪 there isn't much I can do Jac: 😇 Jac: me, you, you decide Amelia: me, clearly Jac: 🙄 Jac: braceface would HATE you Amelia: she can join in with Paige who's blatantly whispering about me Jac: she's the biggest goody-two-shoes Jac: she'd thrive in catholic school Amelia: She'll be plotting how to get me in trouble with Is' mum since school's out and there's no looming detention for me Amelia: I know how to make that really easy for her Jac: you'd think she was 7 not 17 Jac: what are you gonna do? Amelia: shut her up, the same way I always do Jac: don't, come here instead Amelia: but she's so annoying Jac: I know she is but I want you Jac: so come here before I change my mind Amelia: okay Jac: okay Jac: make sure you tell her you'll talk to her later Amelia: I did Amelia: 😇 Jac: good girl Amelia: I didn't get any 🎂 though Jac: I'd make you one Jac: but I might burn your house down so Jac: I have an idea though 💡 Amelia: what is it? Jac: hang on Amelia: no, I'll start 🏃 Jac: ta-da Amelia: 😳 Amelia: thanks for not telling me that's what you looked like when I was talking about being underdressed earlier Amelia: and for having that 💡 so I don't care anymore Jac: you always look perfect anyway, it doesn't matter what you wear Amelia: you do Jac: you too Jac: and you won't feel underdressed when you undress me Amelia: I look 😍 but I'm fine with it Amelia: as long as my parents don't get back before me Jac: I'm quiet, remember Jac: it's fine Amelia: it's not you I'm worried about Amelia: but I'm not that worried Jac: 😍 Jac: you're so adorable but also so hot Jac: it's rude Amelia: says you Amelia: you're the rudest person ever if that's the criteria Jac: oh no, Kiersten was right Amelia: she can have that one thing Jac: only if I can have you Amelia: there's no if Amelia: you have me Jac: good Jac: I need you, you know Amelia: I need you more, not because you love a competition, although if you do want to get competitive about it, that's cool too Jac: We can make it into a competition but what would I win? Amelia: 🤔 Jac: I can't think, I want to see you too badly Amelia: I get it, trust me Jac: You're the prettiest Amelia: no, I'm not Amelia: but I do love you the most Jac: don't be mean to yourself Jac: 😣 Amelia: sorry Jac: I can make you believe me, don't worry Amelia: I'm not worried about that either, I know you can Jac: you don't need to worry about anything Jac: not now Amelia: not now Amelia: I promise Jac: 😇 Amelia: 🥰 Jac: have you got a headache? Amelia: you don't need to worry either Amelia: not about me Jac: I just wanna know if I need to make that go away first before letting you touch me Amelia: I do have a headache but I would literally come back from the dead to see you so Jac: 🥰 Jac: still means I get to go first 😈 Amelia: 😇 if anything Jac: see what you think when we're waking up your neighbours Amelia: I'll be thinking the same thing because nothing's changing my mind about you but okay they'll probably think 😈👹👻👺 Jac: I've never heard you, properly Jac: either we have to be quiet or it's too loud to hear anything Amelia: but you know how hard I find trying to be quiet Jac: I wanna hear everything Amelia: you won't want me to 🤫🤐 once you have though Jac: yeah? Amelia: we'll have to find new places Jac: or I'll work out ways to make you louder at parties Amelia: okay Jac: only okay? Amelia: emphatically Amelia: like ! Amelia: like that's the best idea I've ever heard Jac: my nerdy baby Amelia: well now I don't want to correct it to 😎 Amelia: you win Jac: 😄 Jac: come here and be my prize Amelia: [will let you show up gal cos why not you've been running like a needy gay and it's not that far] Jac: [enjoy hens 'cos this is gonna be intense] Amelia: [the softness and love never lasts soz ladies] Amelia: [more importantly soz to these neighbours] Jac: [💔] Jac: [but love that lmao] Amelia: [thank god her parents aren't coming back yet because there is no being quiet if their lives depended on it now] Amelia: [I had an idea that while Jac is getting ready because even if she doesn't change her outfit she'll probably wanna fix her makeup etc whereas Amelia isn't wearing any she should start a new portrait, this time of them doing something intimate but not saucy lol because 1. that's gay 2. they're at her house so all her art stuff is right there 3. she can make it fit whatever vague af prompt she was given for holiday homework] Jac: [that's a good idea, I won't Katy Perry spoil it rudely, but just like, it better be vague enough that everyone in Art won't be 👀 lmao] Amelia: [don't worry gal we won't out you but actually those Katy Perry dramatics would be a good idea to remember if we ever want them to have a big row haha] Jac: [there is always time lmao, though for tonight I think it's easy enough to have the level of drama we want because like this all happens but then you're not allowed to be together at the party like you aren't even friends still so it's like the base level of getting along at a party vibes, which would obvs be upsetting every time, poor Amelia] Amelia: [agreed we'll keep it in our back pocket for later because tonight has enough going on, like literally every time you have moments like this and then she pushes you away after would be 💔] Jac: [let the fun commence] Amelia: [we all know she's kissing that girl under the mistletoe but is there anything else you want to happen] Jac: [I've got a picture to post in jealousy to that but nothing is gonna actually happen on her end, just pretending luvs, as for other party goings on, literally anything could, she's probably gonna blank their brother which will probably give Amelia that false hope] Amelia: [love that by which I mean hate that lol cos she's already got false hope from Jac inviting her to the party instead of just going on her own] Jac: [I know, the gag is it isn't really false hope but like it still is 'cos we aren't coming out at this party obvs lol, even if they can be more friendly 'cos it's not their year or their usual crowd] Amelia: [I like that because it's a less messy and more friendly vibe even though it means it'll hurt more the next party they go too that won't be like that/when shit hits the fan in like 2 days because of Savannah's love life] Jac: [just waiting for that confirmation hens, bit rude to ruin xmas but there we go] Amelia: [how dare you Savannah you know blocking someone means nothing because you have blatantly also stalked Jac to see what she's doing] Jac: [oh gals, i hope you think some boy is buying her channel] Amelia: [oh she do and that's one of many reasons we're getting with this boy now after hinting all month] Jac: [sorry to dis man but nah] Amelia: [he's not a sweetie like Ty we don't stan] Jac: [when you said one time that he reminded her of Jac LMAOOO] Amelia: [nobody is having a good 2 years is the point but I am DECEASED] Jac: [this is true, you're all going through it, that's the point] Amelia: [Sienna and Is are the only ones thriving] Jac: [god bless lol] Amelia: [can we say they go back to Amelia's after this party and then Jac has to sneak past her parents in the AM for the lols or is that too friendly, like the spare room does exist and I feel like she doesn't wanna go home after missing Jesse's gig] Jac: [yeah, I feel like tonight we would because the family drama is more than the amelia drama rn so we're not gonna turn down the spare room, it will be amusing and also, less funny, can worry the fam some more about where we are, ahh the joys] Amelia: [soz JJ soz everyone but I shall cackle because it's probably more like the afternoon when they wake up so Amelia's parents are just there living their vanilla life] Jac: [hope you don't use your spare room as a dressing room or something babes lollollol] Amelia: [they're just casually eating lunch while Jac tiptoes away] Jac: [oh god bless, at least you did have normal clothes to change into and you won't be in your hoe outfit to walk of shame] Amelia: [or have to borrow clothes off Amelia like this is awks but] Jac: [still a prepared bitch even at our lowest] Amelia: [virgo energy] Jac: [we can skip to them if you like, now we've got the energy of the night] Amelia: [fine by me boo] Jac: did your parents see me Jac: or hear Amelia: No, I captured all of their attention with that loud explanation of my 🎨 Jac: can put it on the fridge Jac: 👍 Amelia: not until it gets graded Jac: it's an As only appliance, gotcha Amelia: 😂 yeah that's why looks nothing like a gallery Jac: even imagining the sound of a 🎻 rn is making my head wanna burst open Amelia: if you're going to keep checking it, turn your phone brightness down Jac: why would I be Amelia: I'm such a great conversationalist Jac: so I hear Amelia: 😏 Jac: don't 😏 @ me Amelia: *😉 Jac: idiot Jac: how was she then Amelia: who? Jac: don't who at me either, you know who Amelia: okay but I don't know what you expect me to say Jac: then I don't need to check my phone, thanks for saving me Jac: and as I gave her to you, that makes us 2-4 Jac: I'll even the score later Amelia: you didn't give her to me, you gave yourself to me Amelia: and I gave her my number Jac: cute Amelia: why do you want to hear this? Jac: It's a while back to mine, even catching the bus Jac: got time to kill and nothing to kill it with Amelia: you should read the 📖 I gave you once the 🤯💊 kick in Jac: I doubt I'll have time with the bollocking I'll be getting once I finally get back Amelia: probably not Jac: looks like Jess' show is online though Jac: no one phantom'd him so there you go, there's your entertainment 'til she texts you Amelia: she might not Jac: yeah right Amelia: parties make everyone 😍🥰😘 Jac: she's definitely full time gay Jac: not gonna pretend she don't know you now Amelia: no, you were right the first time about her being bi Jac: same thing Amelia: it isn't Jac: when you're fucking her, it'll feel the same Amelia: it was just a 💋 Amelia: I don't even know if that'll happen again Jac: do you want it to Amelia: I don't know Amelia: why I do and why I don't are the same reason Jac: sounds confusing Amelia: Yeah Jac: couldn't be me Amelia: like I said, what do you expect me to say? Jac: nothing you haven't Amelia: you're not the only one 🤯 you know Jac: don't moan Jac: go outside Jac: fresh air helps Amelia: you're repeating advice my dad already gave Amelia: at least he's asking for 🛒🍌🥚🥕🍞🧀🍅 Jac: what the fuck is he making Amelia: that's not the full list Amelia: artistic licence if anything Jac: 🙄 Jac: not really A for effort Amelia: you're going to start marking me now, are you? Jac: maybe Amelia: okay Jac: it's cold Amelia: is that why you wanted me to go outside? Jac: to freeze to death or confirm that statement? Jac: neither seems worth it, so no Amelia: how far away are you? I don't have a blanket scarf but I can bring you something Jac: no Jac: you're right, Is' dress was quite nice Amelia: I'm right about you not needing to freeze to death too Jac: says you Amelia: it doesn't have to be like this Jac: like what, an Irish winter? Amelia: you're as stubborn as an Irish winter Jac: artsy Amelia: I'm supposed to be the dramatic one as well Jac: I'm not going to die of consumption on the bus home Jac: you're still the dramatic one, you can mope about how I won't accept help if you like Amelia: and you're getting the wrong kind of inspiration from the classics you've read Jac: have I spoiled the ending of this book? Jac: I'll pass it on, like Amelia: I'm not telling you the ending, read it Jac: you want me to write a book report so you can grade me too? Amelia: 😂 maybe Jac: 🤓 Amelia: ❌ Amelia: and it's not moping, it's caring Jac: no one asked you to either way Amelia: it's really cold Jac: the bus has heating, it's only gonna be a few minutes wait, then I can run back Amelia: I could wait with you Jac: why would you do that Jac: obviously not Amelia: because you're right about fresh air Amelia: and it might  🌨⛄️ Jac: then go to the park with all the other little kids Amelia: you want to know what kissing her was like, it was the opposite of this Jac: talking would get in the way of it Amelia: that's not what I mean and you know it's not Jac: I don't care what you meant Jac: I'm not threatened by Violet McLaughlin Amelia: it's not about her Jac: not for me it ain't Amelia: you make everything 10x harder than it needs to be Jac: if you can't cope Jac: then you don't need to worry about that, because we're not friends Amelia: for fuck's sake Jac: just go Jac: the supermarket is gonna be full of frantic people fighting over sprouts Amelia: if we're not friends there's literally no reason for me to make things that easy for you Amelia: so no Jac: we're not friends so I'll happily tell you to fuck off if you come anywhere near this bus stop Amelia: you either want me to 🛒 or you don't Jac: for god sake Jac: can your parents not take you Amelia: the whole point is he wants me to get out Jac: could he not come with so you don't go do some more reckless shit Jac: lazy parenting, tbh Amelia: he doesn't know about most of the reckless shit I do Jac: 🙄 case in point Jac: but don't worry, I won't call yours Amelia: it doesn't matter to me if you do Jac: I'm not interested enough to get you in trouble Amelia: unlike you I talk, it's no challenge for me to say whatever they need to hear Jac: you want an easy life Jac: I don't Amelia: I want a fucking life Jac: and the dramatics, right on cue Amelia: right Jac: you want a life, go do something about it Amelia: I already told you I'm not leaving Jac: we all will before you know it Jac: then we'll have no reason to stay in contact Amelia: we'll always have a reason Jac: How is it that Is has got it before you? Jac: she didn't need either of us at her party Amelia: I'm not Is, and guess what, I'm not Savannah either Jac: Yeah, you're not Amelia: they're gone and I'm not going anywhere, keep tipping your hourglass over and pretending like it'll be any different any time soon Jac: oh, fuck you Amelia: the bus stop is way too public for you Jac: you're not funny Amelia: it's not a laugh out loud kind of moment Jac: don't come here, get the next bus Amelia: I'm not going to, I've got 🎨 to finish Jac: Good Jac: because I would have to slap you even if it is a hate crime Amelia: you'd try Jac: I'm not fucking bragging, I wouldn't know what else to do Jac: I don't, these days Amelia: me either, I would still stop you though Jac: maybe Amelia: try it Jac: I'm not saying I want to either Jac: just leave me alone Amelia: no Jac: I'll leave you alone Amelia: that's never been what I want Jac: then it can be a threat Amelia: yeah, and it existed ages before you bothered to say it Amelia: it's all I think about already Jac: You knew what this was before it started Amelia: and? Amelia: I still know what it is Amelia: that doesn't mean it's okay Jac: then you should say no Amelia: You knew how I felt before this started Amelia: I can't Jac: and I'm committed to being a shit person Jac: I can handle that, if you can't then you have to address it Jac: I'm not doing it for you Amelia: I got that, you're not doing anything for me today Amelia: in the cold light of Jac: That's how it's been from the start Jac: it's not changing Amelia: it did change, last night was different Amelia: for a bit Jac: you just want that to be true Amelia: you just want to keep lying and gaslighting Amelia: I'm not stupid Jac: I was so drunk I can barely remember any of it Amelia: no you weren't because if you had been there would be nothing to remember Amelia: nothing would have happened Jac: you don't like being accused of things, neither do I Amelia: the predatory lesbian angle is tired, that's all Amelia: so am I Jac: I didn't wake you Jac: your parents dancing 'round the kitchen like this is a rom-com did Amelia: I know that Amelia: and you knew what my parents are like when you decided to sleep in the guest room Amelia: maybe 🧔👩🏻👧🏻 is their rom-com Jac: needs must Amelia: exactly Jac: I didn't say shit about your parents Amelia: we're not fighting about them Amelia: why would you? Jac: Then can you get to your point Jac: because this is tiring, and unnecessary, agreed Amelia: I've made them Amelia: points multiple Jac: Cool, bye then Amelia: 👋 Amelia: I've got no interest in dating Savannah Moore Jac: That's good, she's straight and gone Amelia: you sounded just like her Amelia: everything she said to you, repeated more or less word for word to me Jac: So? Jac: and you don't know what she said to me, you weren't there, you have no idea Amelia: so goodbye then Amelia: you told me, remember, that she said how beautiful you were etc Amelia: you're becoming an echo Jac: It isn't the same Amelia: she hurt you because everything she said didn't mean that she wanted to kiss you, be with you, any of the things you wanted Amelia: this is the same for me Amelia: you'll never kiss me how Violet did, you won't even take my fucking coat when it's about to snow Jac: it's different because she's fucking straight and you know I'm not Jac: but if that isn't enough for you then yeah Jac: bye Amelia: I know loads of things but how can it be enough when you spend have the time trying to make me doubt them Amelia: half* Jac: There's nothing I can or will do about that Amelia: you could be honest with me Jac: I have been, for fuck's sake Amelia: no, you lie to hurt me, that's literally the opposite Jac: No, I've told you loads of things, things I haven't told anyone else, and you admit that because you know them Jac: what you want, Amelia, is for me to come out and declare my love for you Jac: and I have never, ever, said I would do that Amelia: what I want, is you Amelia: not the person you're pretending to be to everyone else Jac: If I could be that person still, don't you think I would Jac: I'd do it for me, not you Jac: it's like I'm dead Jac: there isn't a switch where I can just bring that me back, she's gone Amelia: sometimes you are, so even if there's no switch, there has to be something Amelia: I'm not that crazy and you're not that dead Jac: well if you work it out, let me know Amelia: obviously Jac: It's not the same Jac: you can say it's fucked Jac: but you aren't being led on Amelia: okay Amelia: I'm sorry Jac: it's fine Amelia: it's not, I know you don't want to talk about her Jac: it's not how you think it was Jac: no one else would get it Amelia: it's between you and her Amelia: I don't have to get it Jac: yeah Amelia: has the 🚌 come yet? Jac: I'm going to town instead Jac: I'll buy a cheap coat, don't worry Jac: but work is open 'til Christmas eve, and they didn't expect me to work after term-time, but I'm gonna go offer Amelia: did the 🤯💊 really work that well? Jac: I think it was the cold more Jac: and I still don't wanna be there yet Jac: you know how big a thing Christmas is with my family, everyone will be coming over from wherever the fuck they reside, it's too much Amelia: yeah Amelia: at least your uni app will benefit Jac: and my pockets Jac: no presents really means I could save up Amelia: not if you spend all your money on coats Amelia: I'll bring you one, I'm serious Amelia: to work or wherever you are now Jac: likewise if you waste all your time on me, your 🎨 will never get finished Amelia: my 🎨 is technically a bigger waste of time Amelia: and when I go to uni I won't have any time for it anyway Jac: but still, a really good grade will help you get there, even if the subject isn't totally relevant Amelia: I'm already getting a good grade in that subject Amelia: are you out of excuses why I shouldn't help you now or what? Jac: Ugh Jac: you're so stubborn, it's rich you're trying to have a go at me for it Amelia: you're just annoyed that I'm giving you something else, but it's a borrow Amelia: I'm not 🤶🏻 Jac: maybe God can be a woman but Santa categorically is not Jac: what does his wife even do? Amelia: discipline the elves because he's a soft touch, obviously Amelia: are you still at the bus stop then? Jac: no, the bus came, but they're pretty regular, even from yours 🏡 Jac: assuming they'll have me for this shift...you can meet me whenever you get to this part of town, they're really good at giving breaks Amelia: I'm familiar with the bus schedule, my parents don't drive me EVERYWHERE, just a lot of places Amelia: okay then Jac: you're an only child, it'd be weird if you weren't a bit spoilt Amelia: it would mean I was an accident but I'm literally the opposite so Jac: n'awh Amelia: at least they cherish me Amelia: you literally do the opposite Jac: 😂 Jac: you aren't a miracle in general you know, only to them Amelia: rude Jac: sometimes you have to hear these harsh truths Amelia: ear muff gay remember Amelia: you'll have to sign it Jac: [video saying something offensive that Amelia should remember lol] Amelia: 😂 Jac: 😏 Amelia: Jess doesn't deserve all the free advertising he'll be getting on this bus ride but I'm not going back for my 🎧 Jac: You're so common Amelia: after what you just signed Amelia: hypocritical Jac: unless someone has their 👀s on your screen, I'm fine Amelia: or on you as you did it Amelia: which they probably did Jac: this bus is packed Jac: fucking Christmas Amelia: people look at you, it doesn't matter where or who else is around Jac: you make it sound like I'm something special Jac: people look at you too Amelia: it's not the same Amelia: people are usually looking at me because I'm doing something I'm not supposed to Jac: nah, it is Amelia: 😳🚏 Jac: you'd notice if you weren't so busy looking at me Amelia: if that's the criteria I don't want to notice Jac: such a line Amelia: No, you're SO nice to look at, is a line Jac: I know you're too much of a 🤓 to ever think you're smooth Amelia: I haven't got the misplaced confidence of a teenage boy, if that's what you mean Jac: you aren't your ex, yeah Amelia: I fucking hope not Jac: all the girls I've seen you go for Jac: have really dark hair Amelia: I guess Jac: and are ethnically ambiguous, but like, more noticably than I am Amelia: where are you going with this? Jac: it's just what I've noticed Jac: you have a type but it isn't me Amelia: or you are my type and they're not Jac: I knew you'd say that Amelia: because it's true Jac: saying I defy all types would be more of a line Jac: so I'll believe you Amelia: Do you want to get ☕ with me? Jac: I can't Jac: like, genuinely Jac: we got up late, now I'm here begging for work, I better actually do some Amelia: okay, I'll bring it to you Amelia: and there'll probably be loads of people from school everywhere anyway Jac: yeah Jac: loads of people in our year reckon they're trying the pubs Christmas eve Jac: as if half of them look serve-able Amelia: are you going to go? Jac: I don't think so Jac: it's just for the brag of getting in and getting served, they're especially militant this time of year Jac: easier ways to get drunk we use every other day of the year Amelia: true Amelia: but you do love a competition Amelia: and a brag Jac: if I wanted to get served that bad, I'd go to my granda's Jac: I dunno Jac: are you gonna go? Amelia: I doubt my mum will let me break tradition for that Jac: of course Amelia: though I should probably go see your great grandad before they notice how much of their drinks cabinet we raided Jac: 😬 Jac: can't exactly break my no present rule to buy them a bottle or two Amelia: that'd be offensive, you won't break it for me Jac: spoilt brat 😂 Amelia: we missed a really good show 🎸🎵 Jac: I can't believe you're listening to it out loud Amelia: of course you can Amelia: it's exactly the kind of thing I'd do Jac: I'd be so embarrassed Jac: I'd move Amelia: if you were here I'd be able to steal your 🎧 Amelia: you never forget anything Jac: it's not hard Amelia: I was rushing Jac: you just really wanted a ☕ right Amelia: why else Jac: indeed Amelia: I can't believe how hard creepy editor is going with some of these close ups Amelia: it's really ruining it for me Jac: disgusting Jac: I won't be tuning in Amelia: if only it was so easy for you to avoid him in person, right? Jac: it's pretty easy Jac: though unfortunately he keeps all his music crap downstairs so Amelia: have I ever mentioned how great it is being an only child? Jac: 😒 Jac: fuck off Amelia: 😂 Amelia: I'm going in the wrong direction to Jac: I punched the wrong sibling though Amelia: what? Jac: not close enough to clock the concealer 👎 job editor Amelia: you did that? Jac: yeah Amelia: what happened? Jac: he tried to stop me going out Amelia: why? Jac: 'cos he's an idiot Amelia: okay Jac: I didn't think he'd actually try to stop me Amelia: it doesn't seem like something he'd usually do Jac: everyone's stressed Jac: obviously Amelia: has he tried to stop you since? Jac: I think we've mutually done our best to ignore each other Jac: it was a while ago, actually Jac: after your birthday Jac: time is weird Amelia: Jac Amelia: that was ages ago Jac: not THAT long ago Jac: what's your point? Amelia: I don't know Amelia: I feel stressed now Jac: why, you didn't punch him Jac: or make me Amelia: 😕 Jac: Come on Jac: calm down Amelia: this bus doesn't have a calming atmosphere Jac: how many screaming kids Amelia: they're the majority Jac: ew Jac: I have too many cousins Amelia: me too and I don't have hardly any in comparison Jac: I'm dreading it Jac: xmas Amelia: I wish we could just skip it Jac: same Amelia: my parents think I'm oblivious to the fact they're planning to use their New Year's party to set me up with someone Jac: that's cute Jac: how have they even found another gay for you Amelia: they've found more than one, it'll be a speed dating event with my entire extended family in attendance Amelia: that's not cute Jac: no, it's not, it's weird Jac: but I was trying to be polite Amelia: you're nicer to my parents than you are to me Jac: you'd have a go at me if I weren't Amelia: 🤔 Jac: what are you 🤔 about Amelia: if I should have a go at you for acting like I have a go at you all the time Jac: go ahead and answer your own question Jac: then you'll have a go at me for making you have a go at me over whether or not you're always having a go at me Amelia: 😣 Jac: 😏 Amelia: am I? Jac: just now Jac: but I treat you like shit so if you weren't it'd be more damning Jac: not before Amelia: oh great Jac: what do you mean? Amelia: I mean what I just said, I'm thrilled to hear that Jac: 🤨 Jac: okay Amelia: Where do you want me to meet you? Jac: I'll come out Jac: you remember where it is, my work Amelia: Yeah Amelia: I only have a couple of stops left Jac: I thought you were getting me coffee Amelia: there's a place right near there, I remember that too Jac: fair enough Jac: carry on Amelia: I'm not THAT hopeless at geography Jac: your memory is decent, you can have that Amelia: thanks Jac: don't mention it Amelia: 🤫🤐 Jac: I'll pay you back, for the coffee Jac: can't afford any more gifts from you Amelia: feel free to put the money in my coat pocket when give it back Jac: good idea Amelia: maybe I'll find something else I had no idea was in there when I do the search Jac: knowing you Amelia: yeah, a miracle, we all know ✨ Amelia: next year I'll just get you one big 🎁 Amelia: then we can have ☕ together Jac: if you pull 🥖🐟 out of your pocket, that's gonna seem more disgusting than miraculous Jac: at least next year, we'll both be able to drive Jac: and this will all be that much closer to being over Amelia: I'll actually know what I'm doing with my gap year if buts and maybes, that'll be weirder Jac: will it be backpacking in Thailand or building orphanages in Africa Amelia: my parents would still prefer 🥖🐟 Amelia: so if they get their way it'll be neither and nothing Jac: if you're gonna do it you have to do it properly Jac: or it's just a waste of time Amelia: the entire point is to waste more time after 🎓 and before 🤓💻📝 Amelia: it's a stalling tactic Jac: 🙄 Amelia: 😏 Jac: you're gonna be 2 years older than half your class by the time you get there Amelia: so? Amelia: it's not a speed dating event either Jac: so they're all going to seem really immature Amelia: boys always are Amelia: I've coped with that all through school Jac: Uni is about not dealing with that Jac: having a fresh start Amelia: exactly, I'll be there to 🤓💻📝 Jac: yeah right Amelia: not much of a fresh start otherwise Jac: exactly, you aren't going to have a personality overhaul in a year or two Amelia: 😂 Amelia: I'm thrilled you don't think 💔 has changed me Jac: only for the worse, obviously Amelia: you sound like my mum now Amelia: she's texting me 'please don't act like this when your grandparents arrive tomorrow' Amelia: like what? 🤶🏻 okay Jac: ooh, no 🥛🍪 for you Amelia: 🥺 Jac: you'll be fine Jac: just don't ruin christmas by being gay Amelia: that was last year's drama Jac: precisely why you don't need to go for 2 Amelia: why I'd find a new way to ruin it if I was going to Jac: 👍 Amelia: it was Is who copied you, I'm fine with letting you do your own thing Jac: they'll be too busy to care Jac: and not talking isn't ruining anything Jac: enough loudmouths running about Amelia: if you leave it at that Jac: what else would I do, shit in the christmas pudding Amelia: punch one of your other family members Amelia: just an idea I pulled out of nowhere though Jac: only if they get in my way Jac: which they're unlikely to do now Amelia: Jude isn't Amelia: getting in your way is her number 1 skill Jac: and mine happens to be avoiding her Amelia: it's in the top 10, I don't think I'd put it first Jac: I've managed not to punch anyone since Jac: it's fine Amelia: you were threatening to hit me not long ago Amelia: but alright Jac: because you were threatening to get in my space Jac: everyone just needs to leave me alone when I tell them to Jac: it's not hard Amelia: it's my fault, that's really what you're going with? Jac: yes Jac: you were going to get in my face when I explicitly warned you not to Jac: I didn't just attack you, and I didn't just attack Jess Amelia: okay Jac: fuck's sake Jac: it's alright for you all to push me and ignore my boundaries Amelia: because I can't keep up with what your boundaries are Jac: no, you just think you can push through them Amelia: no, you keep moving close to me and then away Jac: and you only accept one of those Amelia: so do you Jac: whatever Jac: this is pointless Amelia: any time I try to do anything that looks remotely like moving on, you know exactly what you do, so don't pretend this is all me Jac: I weren't talking about that Amelia: no, you were talking about how much you want me to fuck off Amelia: come outside and I can Jac: [does] Amelia: [we giving her this coat and coffee like okay bye as if we didn't come all this way/have anywhere else to be, oh gal] Jac: [kissing her on the cheek like we would've done without thinking as friends but now it's a big deal, but then running like bye] Amelia: [we're all dying and running away nbd]