#I mean living is struggle but this boy was so mentally unwell that year..

[l3fool]

I love every single song on Sgt.Pepper but Fixing A Hole is just.. this fucking line just hits me over the head often

[twilight-good-yall-dumb]

I have genuinely seen some of the most horrific takes on Liam Payne's death, and even though I don't often get controversial on this website, I'm about to.

First of all, labeling Liam Payne as nothing but some shitty abuser is such an obtuse observation. Obviously, I understand that the power of the internet has had a large part in this. People listen to whatever other people say without second thought or further research. So sure, if you hear from more than one person that Liam was this awful abuser, most people just take that on faith.

The problem is that it's so much more complicated than that. Firstly, a lot of the current information we have about Liam and his ex-fiancé is alleged. Not to say that it isn't true or that I don't believe her. That isn't the message I'm trying to get across at all, but still, it is alleged information, and it's coming only from her. Secondly, a ton of people have been massively misled because Maya released a FICTIONAL book that is supposedly "inspired" in part by her relationship with Liam, and people are taking instances from the FICTIONAL book and assuming they are true to life. Which is...unintelligent to say the least. Secondly, I've seen one account of a fan claiming she was "manipulated" into sending nude photos to Liam, but this fan was literally 25 years old. And according to her, there was no blackmail, threats, or serious pressure involved. We're not talking about naive 18 year old girls like I've seen people claim. And again, I've only been able to find this one account. This was not some kind of trend with him.

Again, my intention is not to blame any of these women or claim that they're lying. It is only to reiterate that other people have been exaggerating the evidence we actually have.

Secondly, the only thing Maya has outright claimed about Liam was his obsessive contact during and after the end of their relationship. She ordered a cease and desist to keep him from further contacting her and to try and put an end to the emotional abuse she had faced. This included him threatening suicide, obsessively apologizing, etc. Which to be entirely truthful, is manipulative and unacceptable behavior. That being said, it is also the behavior of, and a clear symptom of, his poor mental health and substance abuse issues.

Seeing people straight up say that they don't care that he died because the world is "better off without an abuser" or that women shouldn't mourn him because it's somehow anti-feminist to care about a man who has harmed a woman in any way is...such a crazy fucking take. Like I genuinely hope these people never come across somebody in their lives who is dealing with trauma, addiction, or mental health struggles, because holy shit that lack of compassion is crazy. Like, yes, he was not a great guy to Maya. He has literally admitted that in interviews before, admitted that because of his addiction and mental health issues that he has hurt people he loved. This is not behavior in any man that should be excused, but it is behavior that, in my opinion, can be forgiven if that man has the time to make amends.

Liam Payne was not Diddy. He was not a fucking monster. He was not the sort of man who seriously harmed and traumatized countless women. He was a man who was unwell and who made mistakes in his relationships. But as we've seen from so many of his loved ones in the last few days, to his core, Liam Payne was a kind person. He cared about his family, his friends, his son. He wanted people to be happy, to smile. He wanted to entertain people, to be there for people, and to be loved. He was a human. And he was a victim of the music industry. He was overworked, objectified, and commodified as a literal child, and then he was left on his own after spending his most formative years in an extremely high stress environment. I mean, honestly, the fact that any of the boys wound up somewhat stable is beyond my comprehension. There was bound to be at least one of them who struggled to adjust.

And so, to say that you don't care that he died, to say that the world is better off without him, is a wild fucking stance. To have so little empathy for somebody who was a victim himself, to care so little for somebody who brought love and joy to the lives of so many people, who left behind a seven year old son, is fucking cold hearted. Nobody is asking you to cry over a man who you have no personal connection to, and we're also not asking that any of his potential victims receive hate or blame. But that doesn't mean those of us who are grieving should have to hear discourse about your "morally superior" Liam Payne take.

Some of us just want to mourn somebody who was a massive pillar in our lives, who brought us joy in dark times. Who, because we cared, we worried about for years. Not all 1D fans are the same in this regard, but I never hated Liam. I never blamed him for any of the foolish things he said in interviews. I understood his actions as those of somebody struggling, of somebody who was calling out for help, who needed that help, who needed support. Liam Payne, had he lived longer, could have become the man that he wanted to be, that everyone close to him knew he was capable of being. He'd been to rehab, he'd had periods of sobriety. He was working on himself. He was slowly getting better. So yes, I am mourning for the man that he was, not just the boy in the band, but the man he was working towards becoming. I am mourning for the man who made silly videos during Covid that helped me get through the monotony. I am mourning for the man who took silly selfies that made me laugh. I am mourning for the man who was talented beyond belief or recognition. I am mourning for the man who wanted to be loved and accepted so badly, and who the rest of the internet treated like SHIT for years before his death. Which, by the way, almost always had nothing to do with serious allegations but rather actions that the internet deemed "cringe."

I am so tired, and so upset.

None of the women who are mourning Liam's death are "betraying their own sex" or whatever else some of you seem to believe. They are simply exercising a thing called empathy. Try it out sometime!

[baepop]

Written in the Stars

You’re the girl of Jungkook’s dreams, literally. The only problem: you’re taken by his best friend

Word Count: 26.2k

Pairing: Jungkook x You x Taehyung

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Eventual Smut, Slow Burn, Pining, Soulmate Au, Plot based around supernatural dreams

A/N: Back again with another love triangle. Are you even surprised? I wanted to write this story after finding out Jungkook really liked the movie “Your Name”

Jungkook has always been a true romantic, a believer in kismet and fate, convinced there is only one person out there in the world made specifically for you.

You might attribute these beliefs to his obsession with dramatic anime movies, the fluffy K-dramas he binges, or to simply watching his own parents happily grow old together. But the truth was that he had an actual reason to believe the way that he did. What one might mistake for blind faith, the boy ascertained to be proven conviction, scientific even.

The fact of the matter was that he had concrete proof of this widely speculated notion being as real as he was.

His ascertations started at quite a young age, when the little boy with the scar on his cheek asked his mother a very complicated question in the kitchen. His brothers and father had already cleared out, leaving his mother to pick up after them. The little boy dutifully brought her the soiled dishes from the table into the kitchen, restating his question matter-o-factly when she stared at him in bewilderment. Mrs. Jeon stared at her youngest son of nine, her mind racing as to the possible reasons for his inquiry.

“Mom?” The boy tipped his head to the side, letting his buoyant hair fall to the side.

“I…why do you ask?” She posed her question as gently as possible so as not to scare him away. He was quite shy, so the last thing she wanted was to make him feel like he couldn’t confide in her.

But he simply shrugged, his large innocent eyes reflecting her confused expression within them. Of course, there wasn’t an ulterior motive to this question. What could he possibly know about true love?

The older woman smiled, putting on her dish washing gloves as she took the plates out of his hands.

She sighed, contemplating dreamily as she recalled her own romance with his father. “How to know when you’re in love? Well…it’s not really something you know, but rather something you feel. It’s a natural feeling, as natural as being hungry or just realizing you like something.”

Jungkook thought for a minute before responding, “Then what does it feel like?”

“Hmm…you know when it’s cold, so I throw your blanket in the dryer for a few minutes before tucking you in, and you’re warm and comfortable before you drift to sleep?” The boy smiled and nodded enthusiastically. It was his most favorite thing in the world. “It feels like that, but emotionally.”

“Emotionally?” Jungkook furrowed his eyebrows, unable to conceptualize being wrapped in a warm blanket in such an abstract way.

“Yes,” The woman gently poked the child’s chest where his heart would be. His gaze followed her finger before she began tickling his sides which earned a fit of laughter from the boy who shied away from her touch. She ruffled his head and ordered him to get the rest of the dishes from the table. He quickly obliged, but not before answering one last question.

“Jungkook! Do you…have a girlfriend at school?” The boy shook his head innocently before disappearing into the hall. She smiled to herself, wondering if he was telling the truth or if he just wanted to keep it a secret from his mother. She knew Jungkook wasn’t a secretive kind of kid, but she could still understand him not wanting to share things like that with his mom. She made a mental note to ask his father about it before bed.

What she didn’t know, however, was that this conversation would have more of an impact on the boy than she’d ever imagined.

Jungkook was experiencing something he never had before, something so out of the ordinary that he couldn’t ask anyone for advice about it for fear of sounding absolutely crazy. He could only try and get advice by asking out-of-the-blue questions to his mother because he knew she wouldn’t pry.

He had started dreaming of you, every single night, and he didn’t know what to make of it at first.

The dreams were mundane, ordinary slice-of-life reels of a foreign girl similar in age to him. For many hours of your day, he’d watch you wake up and get ready for school just as he would, going throughout your day, talking to friends and doing schoolwork. Then you’d come home and spend time with your sisters, play with your cat and watch anime or other things girls his age might do. None of it thrilled him in the least, and if he was being honest, it freaked him out, especially because he didn’t know who the heck you were.

He wasn’t yet at the age where girls were particularly interesting to him. None he knew liked video games or looking at bugs and therefore the female gender was unappealing to his boyish heart.

It was frustrating when he couldn’t seem to convince his brain that he didn’t want to dream of you anymore. Night after night, he’d be forced to watch your life as someone in a secret audience, much to his annoyance.

It wasn’t until you’d entered middle school and started getting bullied that his dreams began to impact him deeply. He’d always remember your first day at school when that mean older girl pulled on your buns and told you how ugly you were, and the way you pretended it didn’t hurt you until you got home and cried on your bed for hours. He’d felt so powerless, unable to help or even talk to this person he seemed to know intimate details about for so long. It was then that he realized his attachment to you for the first time.

Jungkook was always pretty popular at school, so he’d never had to worry about being bullied by anyone. And thanks to you, his popularity only seemed to increase over the years when Jungkook made it a point to stand up against bullies on behalf of others. After watching your struggle at school, he knew how deeply someone’s words and actions could affect others, and he didn’t want anyone feeling the way you did, ever.

Thankfully, his qualms were lessened when you’d both gone into high school. You seemed to be having a better time there, quickly finding a group of people with similar tastes and ideals to yours. He’d found it ironic how your lives seemed to be on a balancing scale. Whenever he was having a hard time, he’d go to sleep at night and watch you having the time of your life. So, while high school was good to you, Jungkook struggled with his studies, earning disappointing grades that he’d fearfully bring home to his stern parents.

The truth was that he wasn’t much of the academic type. He always preferred to be out in the sunshine, playing with some kind of ball or dancing or making music. He loved doing the things that made him feel most alive, and sitting in a classroom answering tiresome questions simply wasn’t that.

You, however, excelled in school, so much so that you had already been taking advanced classes by your third year. It was becoming apparent to Jungkook that you and he were very different people, but it had been so long that he’d been keeping tabs on your life that it didn’t matter. It was weird, the way his thoughts seemed to drift to you and what you might be doing while he sat in class chewing on his pencil.

He knew everything about you and your family and your friends. He knew what your favorite colors were, what your favorite flavors were and what kind of genres you preferred the most. He even knew about the secret piercing you had gotten despite not telling a single soul about it. You had skipped school alone to get it done in a sketchy part of town, and then spent the rest of that week secretly caring for it from infection. It was the first time he’d felt he could relate to you, and he found the thought funny enough to snigger about during silent times in class.

But as time went by, Jungkook was having a hard time being okay with it all. He knew he didn’t have much of a choice when it came to dreaming about you, he just wanted to know why.

Why you? Why still? What did this all mean? Was this the universe’s way of keeping him grounded? A way to show him that even when he felt singled out, there were still people on the other side of the world going through similar situations? Or maybe this was a superpower that he didn’t know how to control? Jungkook had visited countless comic bookstores in the city, trying to find a story similar to his own, anything that might give him guidance or a nudge in the right direction. Was he psychic? He didn’t feel psychic exactly. He’d never been able to dream about anyone else let alone tap into anyone else’s thoughts or lives the way he had with you. If this was truly his superpower, he’d consider the universe to be a cruel entity, considering this wasn’t exactly what he meant when he wished he had special abilities as a little boy.

He tried to ignore the doubt sitting in the back of his mind, the thoughts that negated you being a real person. He’d thought about it before, about the possibility that he had completely made you up, even considered the possibility that he was mentally unwell, but whenever he’d dream about you, he’d feel it deep in his bones, the realness of it all. He knew you were real and out there in the world. He just knew.

Jungkook continued to question the purpose of his dreams and look out for signs throughout high school, which he eventually received in the form of an animated movie. The tale of star-crossed lovers being connected in such a supernaturally convoluted way yet still finding their way to each other in the end had affected him in ways he couldn’t describe. He thought back to his mother’s words, about feeling so warm and comfortable when it came to being with the person you were meant to be with.

Were you his soul mate? The idea intrigued him. He’d always thought of you as a comrade, someone he was sharing his life with in the strangest way possible. But it all felt one-sided, how was he to know you might have those strong feelings about him? Had you been dreaming about him too? These questions kept Jungkook up at night before he’d finally close his eyes and tune into the latest occurrences of your life.

In this instance, he’d watched you get taken to the parking lot by some douchebag in your school that he had already disliked since your freshman year. Jungkook had woken up that morning frazzled and disoriented after watching you accept his confession of love. It seemed when he was becoming comfortable with the idea of you being the one person meant for him, you had finally decided to start dating. And with that guy no less.

Jungkook wished he could come see you, to tell you not to give this guy a chance to break your heart, but he knew you wouldn’t listen to him. Because as weird as it would be for him to tell someone about his dreams, it would be weirdest of all to tell you about them, if you hadn’t been dreaming about him too. Besides, he wouldn’t even know how to get to you, he only owned a bus pass and didn’t have any money.

And thanks to your decision to start dating, what had turned into mildly entertaining dreams had become his own personal hell for the next year.

He’d try to stay up as late as possible so he only had to watch a little bit of your life before waking up for school in the morning, and it was starting to take a toll on him. He didn’t care though, he’d deal with being tired just so he didn’t have to watch you pretend to be happy while in a toxic relationship. When he’d witnessed the way you held back tears after your dick-head of a boyfriend made a comment about your weight, Jungkook decided to form a strike against his subconscious. The boy began staying up late playing video games well into the early hours of the morning before getting ready for school. His friends commented on the bags under his eyes, and his teachers casted worried glances in his direction when they’d see him dozing off in class, but nonetheless Jungkook persevered.

And thanks to his stubbornness to sleep at night, he discovered another clue about his supposed superpower: He could only dream of you at night. Whenever Jungkook would take a nap during the day to supplement his lack of nocturnal sleep, he didn’t dream of you. Ironically, it was the most rest he had gotten in years, and the realization only served to confuse him even more.

After some time had passed with him silently protesting your relationship, he had finally given in and went to bed at a reasonable hour, if only to make sure you were okay, because as much as he hated who you were with, he still cared about you.

Much to Jungkook’s surprise, a lot had occurred in the short span of time he had been staying away from you. You were dealing with a messy breakup while preparing for a huge trip abroad with your class. Jungkook watched eagerly, trying to get important details from the conversations you were having. You hardly confided in your parents or sisters about what was going on at school, but luckily you had been keeping a journal, so he was able to get the juicy details of your life as you wrote out your feelings. Apparently your now ex-boyfriend had threatened you, telling you not to go on your class trip to Korea or else he’d break up with— Korea!? Jungkook was so surprised he had almost managed to wake himself up. You were coming to his country?! Where exactly?! When?!

The boy no longer cared about the details of your breakup. He only cared about your coming to see him. Well, he knew you weren’t hopping on a plane to go see him, per se, but this still felt like Jungkook’s chance to finally meet you.

Jungkook woke up for school with a pep in his step. His cheerful demeanor freaked his friends out, but was too preoccupied to notice. He just wanted to go on with his day as quickly as possible so he could go to bed and learn more things about your trip.

Unfortunately, he had been saddened to realize you weren’t in the best place mentally as of late since dealing with the breakup. Your ex-boyfriend had started a malicious rumor about breaking up with you because you had an STD, which wasn’t true of course, but to high schoolers, it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, the damage would still be done. You threw yourself into your studies again and kept to yourself, your trip abroad being the only thing you now looked forward to.

As the final week leading up to your trip came and went quickly, Jungkook prepared himself. He had decided to go see you, no matter how scared he was to introduce himself. He couldn’t let such an opportunity pass him by, he’d even sneak out of his house if he had to.

Jungkook was only able to gather that you would be visiting famous places with your class like the National Museum and the War Memorial, even making it a point to go to Lotte World, but he wasn’t able to get the specific details of your visit in order to be at the right place at the right time. Still, he ascertained that he’d be able to coordinate once you landed in Korea. He’d at least know where you were staying then.

But something peculiar happened yet again: Jungkook stopped dreaming about you the day you were set to depart to Korea. Jungkook went to bed that night eagerly, excited to see how you’d felt about flying for the first time and your general reactions to his favorite city ever.

When he’d woken up after hours of darkness, he was confused and disappointed, but not enough to bring his mood down. He felt a tingling sensation, a feeling of knowing deep in his bones that you were close to him. Even if he hadn’t dreamt about you, it didn’t mean you weren’t still here, and so Jungkook skipped school that day and rode public transportation to Seoul early in the day. His heart beat erratically the closer he got, the overwhelming feeling of kismet painting his world in rosy shades. He couldn’t believe he was finally going to see you, the person he had been dreaming about since he was a small child, in person.

Jungkook practiced what he’d say when he saw you. He wanted it to be perfect, but as he went over his lines in his head, it suddenly occurred to him that you didn’t speak Korean, and he certainly didn’t speak your native language. He thought back to his dreams, trying to recall how he was able to understand everything going on, but unable to explain it to himself. It was much like trying to explain the dreams themselves. He just knew what was going on. He knew how you felt about things, even when you weren’t verbose. He also knew how other people thought and felt around you despite not speaking the same language. He would be completely confused if he were there with you in person instead of dreaming about you, so it seemed that there were different rules when it came to his intrusive dreams.

This perplexed Jungkook even further. He didn’t know where exactly you were, and even if he did, he didn’t know how to talk to you. The boy scratched his head worriedly, wondering if what he was doing was silly, but he was now almost at the city. There was no turning back now.

Jungkook ascended the steps of the subway and took in a deep breath. The air was a lot cooler in the city, though not as fresh. He looked around at the bustling crowds of people, feeling a bit out of place in his school uniform. He began walking in the same direction as everyone else, only stopping to buy flowers from a street vendor along the way. He figured if he didn’t know what to say to you, a pretty flower might be able to say what he couldn’t.

He didn’t want to scare you off by coming on too strong. Still, he wanted to convey his feelings for you somehow, to show you that you two were fated somehow, even if neither of you knew why exactly.

Jungkook walked around aimlessly for hours. As his feet grew tired, he realized how silly it was to assume he might run into you just by being in the same city. Seoul was huge, and the odds of that were slim. Still, if the universe had bothered to present you to him for so long, then maybe it would lend him a helping hand right now, too.

He made his way to all of the places he knew your class would visit. He didn’t have any money to go in to some of them, so he waited around to see if you might show up. When you didn’t, he began feeling even sillier about the entire ordeal. As the late afternoon approached, he reluctantly caught the train back home, knowing it’d be best that he arrived home at the same time as usual so his parents wouldn’t suspect him of playing hooky.

He rode the train home dejectedly, but still hopeful to see what your day was like when he’d go to bed that night.

But unfortunately, only darkness awaited him again.

Jungkook awoke more confused than ever the next morning. What did this mean? Was he losing touch with you? It would be ironic, since you were now physically closer to him than ever before. Was he losing his super lame superpower all of a sudden? The thought freaked him out. His dreams had effectively become a part of him and his identity, not to mention, he’d basically grown up with you. To suddenly not know about you every night was to relearn how to be alone again, which he hadn’t been for almost a decade. Jungkook quickly shook the thought from his mind.

Since his school was quick to call parents for any little thing, he wasn’t able to continue skipping school to go into the city, but he knew you’d still be there in the weekend coming up, so he settled for trying to get his dreams to come back to him so he could find you.

But as each night came and went without a sign of you, Jungkook grew increasingly anxious. He was no closer to finding answers than he was to finding you, and the thought made him feel helpless. Worst of all, he felt as if his image of you was already fading, despite having seen you every night for years. He tried his hardest to recall all of your features, but they came up hazily. He’d been so shaken by the realization that he pulled out a sheet of paper in class and began trying to sketch you in the middle of class. He came out with a drawing of a faceless girl in a school uniform, despite his best efforts. The ambiguous drawing mocked him, so he balled it up angrily and tossed it into his bag, deciding that it meant nothing if he decided it so.

Just as he had no control over beginning to dream about you, he had no control over continuing to do so, he’d soon realized, and the whole thing felt like a cruel joke. Was this the universe’s plan? To get him invested in someone unreachable only to yank them away when he was so close to getting to them?

On Friday night, Jungkook went to bed with his weekend outfit folded neatly at the foot of his bed. He was determined to head out bright and early and spend the entire day in the city searching for you. And much to his surprise, there wasn’t any darkness waiting for him as he drifted off to sleep.

You were on an airplane, looking out of the window and watching the sunset. Your classmates were also on the plane already sleeping. It turned out that your trip had gotten cut short due to a funding mix up at your school. You were disappointed, but you had had so much fun the last few days, so you decided to focus on being grateful for having the experience at all. By the time you were getting close to landing, Jungkook had woken up.

He sat upright, tears flowing freely from the corners of his eyes. He wasn’t crying exactly, but he should’ve been. Instead, he immediately fetched a sketchpad and began drawing you. He dragged the thin lead across the page continuously, slowly forming the image of you looking out of the plane window. It was you, of that he was certain. And although he was momentarily relieved, he hated the way someone who didn’t even know who he was could have such control over his life.

He laid back down and allowed himself to feel the deep sadness that washed over him. He had decided to believe in his initial suspicions. It turned out that the universe had been just as cruel and fickle as he suspected it to be.

Jungkook spent the rest of his senior year processing his feelings of anger in different ways.

He’d returned to his strike, staying up at night and sleeping during the day. He no longer wanted to be invested in your life as much as he already was, especially if his knowing you from afar was destined to stay that way forever.

He wasn’t mad at anything or anyone in particular, though sometimes he hated you for not coming to find him, as irrational as that was. Sometimes he hated himself for not being more capable of finding you, sometimes he hated your school for not giving him enough time, sometimes he just hated the universe for making him into this plaything he considered himself to be.

As you focused on college applications, Jungkook began spending less time at home and more time exposing himself to the night life in Seoul. He knew he had no plans of pursuing a University degree despite his parents’ encouragement. So instead, he did whatever came to mind, especially if it was something dangerous or out of the norm. He convinced himself he was simply trying to find himself, but a small kernel of truth inside of him suggested he was being destructive on purpose, only wanting to pursue things that would suggest he wasn’t the same boy as he’d always been, that he wouldn’t bend to the universe’s rules on who he was and consequently who he should be with. That his dreaming of you wasn’t a huge part of who he was.

The five years that followed his high school graduation were a bit of a blur. He’d moved out at 19 and into a house full of 6 other boys that he’d met in the city. He’d gotten an overnight job, a shit ton of tattoos, and a dog since then.

Jungkook now spent his nights bartending at a trendy club in Hongdae and snoring the day away in his room. Even the nightly conquests he’d bring home reflected the kind of life he was now living, fast-paced and wild.

Just as Jungkook had numbly flung himself into a lifestyle he knew nothing about growing up, he did the same with women, screwing his way through his Seoul without remorse. And just as he chose to think that his beliefs would be true simply because he could force them to be true, he believed he could find the one simply because he decided you weren’t. Of course, when he found an inability to connect with anyone that he’d bring home or meet on a random day, he blamed it on whatever was convenient. His reason for blowing off the girl who had cutely left her number on his nightstand last night: he couldn’t see himself being with a cat person. It would never work, or so he told himself as he stretched his tired muscles.

The groggy boy yawned and sat at the edge of his bed, petting his pit bull who had excitedly come to his feet as soon as he awoke. He felt bad for not being able to spend more time with his dog, but he was thankful one of his friends was always home to care for him when he couldn’t. Besides, the dog had grown more attached to his best friend anyway.

He peered into his tired eyes reflected back at him in his large mirror that faced his bed. He shook his long dark hair out of his eyes and flexed his muscles, watching his tattoos contort in the process.

“You are so fucken full of yourself.” Taehyung watched his friend from the doorway before the dog turned towards him, wagging his tail furiously. Tae was his favorite person in the house because he was home a lot and therefore spent the most time with him.

Jungkook rolled his eyes, flashing a cocky smile towards his friend before locating his shirt and throwing it on over his head.

“What time is it?” He yawned and stood up, patting the bed for his phone.

“Five. Come eat.”

Both of them descended the stairs once Jungkook found his cellphone in the pocket of his jeans sprawled on the floor. They joined the rest of their rowdy housemates at the dinner table, taking seats opposite of each other as Yoongi began serving them the fried rice he had slayed over.

As Jungkook rubbed the sleep from his eyes, he looked around the table and felt at ease. He’d managed to find himself in crazy situations since he’d left home, but the one thing he didn’t regret was befriending this group of boys. They’d taken him under their wing and offered him countless good advice when he really needed it. But most of all, he was grateful for his absolute best friend in the entire world, Taehyung.

They had gotten off to a rocky start when they first met, sizing each other up after one spilled a drink on the other during a party. After so long, neither of them remembered who started the altercation exactly, but they could both freely laugh about it since the whole thing was so stupid.

Jungkook and Taehyung ended up spending a lot of time together after that fateful party since they shared so many friends, and realized they had a lot more in common than they originally thought. It wasn’t long before they were as thick as thieves, going out together, getting kicked out of clubs together, giving each other poorly drawn tattoos and playing wingman when one desperately needed to get laid.

Though Taehyung was always as rambunctious as he was, Jungkook still knew he didn’t share that same chaos within himself that compelled him to be reckless. Taehyung was a good guy with a good head on his shoulders and a bright future ahead of him, so the closer they got, the more Jungkook encouraged him to go to college and put those brains of his to good use.

He ended up taking the advice, which is where he met his current girlfriend. Jungkook had been both happy and disappointed to hear the news. He saw how happy and smitten Tae was, but this meant he had lost his wingman, and it also undoubtedly meant they would spend less time together since he’d seen first-hand how girlfriends suck up a man’s free time. Jungkook wrinkled his nose at the thought as he chewed on his dinner, well, breakfast really.

“Something wrong?” Yoongi watched Jungkook make a face as he ate, worried about the taste of his food.

Jungkook quickly shook his head, “No hyung, this is really good, thank you.” Yoongi nodded in satisfaction, turning to look at Taehyung.

“What about you?”

Taehyung turned to the older boy in confusion, swallowing his food before reaffirming how good the rice was. Yoongi chuckled, shaking his head before he spoke, “Not that. Didn’t you have something you wanted to tell us?”

The table went quiet as Taehyung smiled, his cheeks twinged pink in embarrassment at the sudden focus on him. Jungkook quirked his brow, unsure as to what was going on. He was usually the first to know about Taehyung’s business, but his increase in hours at work had been keeping him out of the loop with all of the house’s plans.

Taehyung cleared his throat, making eye contact with the members of the table as he spoke, “So, as you all may or may not know, I have a girlfriend,” Someone made a sound of disgust which caused the table to erupt in laughter. Nonetheless, Taehyung persevered, “And it’s getting pretty serious so, I want to bring her over so you all can meet her. You guys are like my family so…” Another sound of disgust was made, but this time it came from Jungkook. Everyone laughed as Tae flung the bottle of sauce at him. The younger boy caught it, his squinted eyes alight with humor. “Since everyone has a day off this Saturday, I’m inviting her over then. I figured we could watch a movie or something. It’s been forever since we all hung out as a group too. Everyone’s so busy these days…”

The boys took turns looking around the table, feeling a bit guilty for not making more free time for each other. When they had first moved in, they were all inseparable, but now, it was rare for them to all be congregated to share a meal the way they all were now.

“Anyway, that’s it. Please don’t embarrass me.” Taehyung held his palms up together in the air, pleading his hyungs not to go out of their way to scare his girlfriend off.

Jungkook smiled as he watched his friends begin to crack jokes about how domesticated Taehyung had become after becoming taken. The brunette ate his food in silence, trying to focus on their words and not in the buzzing feeling he felt deep inside himself. He knew this feeling already, he had felt it before, and if this was years ago, he’d be unwilling to give it the time of day.

Before, he had wanted to drive you out of his life by force, and it had worked for a bit, but every once in a while, this feeling of nostalgia would wash over him, reminding him that somewhere out there in this big world full of billions of people, you existed, no matter how much he thought he didn’t care. Eventually, he just had to make peace with that, and allow you back into his thoughts bit by bit so that he wouldn’t die a resentful old man (as he put it).

It was a year ago, right around the time that Taehyung had announced his relationship to Jungkook. He had played his role as “the best friend who just wanted him to be happy”, but when he sat alone in his room that night, he’d fished out his sketchbook that was flung under the bed and began flipping through it. Countless drawings of you littered the pages, some in your school uniform, some in a sunhat as you helped your mother pull weeds from the yard, even some of you as a kid when you still wore buns to school. He allowed himself to look at these images fondly for the first time, allowing himself to feel connected to a part of himself he had carelessly thrown away.

Now that he was a man, he was able to make peace with the fact that things didn’t work out the way he had hoped they would as a child, and that that was okay. He even tried to draw you again for the first time in years, but the image came out looking like someone unrecognizable, so he had sighed and put the pad away again. Though he didn’t start sketching you again as he used to, he allowed himself to think about you from time to time, and that made all the difference.

He had grown comfortable with the idea of you again, even now as he tried but failed to listen to his friends talking, his mind wandered to you and what you might be doing. He wondered what your life was like now and what you looked like, if you went to college, if you had dated anymore douchebags, if you cut your hair short like you’d always wanted to but never had the bravery to do so. Jungkook sighed, turning back to his plate of food. None of it mattered anymore anyway.

Saturday came all too quickly and Jungkook wasn’t exactly excited about it. He knew Taehyung specifically chose this day to bring his girlfriend around because it was Jungkook’s day off, and it bothered him. He grumbled as he brushed his teeth, wondering why you were so special to have such a welcome wagon. You had been the person to take his best friend away, so to Jungkook, your arrival had been a personal offense. They were supposed to be bachelors in Seoul, but now he was flying solo and it just wasn’t as fun.

As the younger boy joined his friends in the living room on Saturday afternoon, he noticed Taehyung was missing.

“He went to go pick her up.” Jimin read the confused look on Jungkook’s face. The boy nodded, yawning as he plopped himself down on the couch. His dog came bounding in and jumped up on his lap. He patted the dog’s back as he leaned back and closed his eyes, allowing himself to doze off. He had been pretty restless, so he was tired, to say the least.

It wasn’t until his dog had excitedly jumped off of his lap and ran towards the door to greet the newcomers that Jungkook woke up again. The force of the dog using his lap for take-off shook the boy awake, causing him to come-to just as Taehyung and his girlfriend let themselves in. Jungkook yawned again, calling out sternly to his dog when he saw him barking and sniffing his guest excitedly. The dog didn’t listen, choosing instead to lay on his back and relish in the pets and scratches he was being treated with. Jungkook chuckled and stood up, making his way over to them to make sure his overly excited dog wasn’t bothering Tae’s girlfriend.

He watched as you scratched his dog in all the right places before looking up at him with the brightest smile on your face.

“Is he yours? He’s so cute!”

Jungkook froze as he stared into your eyes. His entire body went cold, buzzing with that feeling of nostalgia that became second nature to him. It was you. He hadn’t seen you in years, but it was definitely you, he was sure of it.

It was as if time had stopped when he stared into your eyes. He stopped breathing in that moment, unsure of which thoughts and feelings to process first.

He was immensely shocked, because he had long made his peace that he’d never meet you. He was dumbfounded, because of all places and circumstances for you two to meet, it had to be this way. Lastly, he fought the urge to bust out laughing, because of course fate would have him meeting you now when he had all but given up on any notion of kismet. Of course, you would pop back into his life now.

He drank your appearance in ravenously, willing himself to memorize your features all over again. It was as if staring at an old photograph. He was filled with a sense of awe and fondness at how so much time had passed yet it was as if no time had passed at all. You hadn’t changed in the slightest, he concluded. You still wore your hair exactly as you had in high school, and your eyes were still large and full of wonder, he was happy to find. He thought back to his sketch book and the countless drawings it held of you with your eyes big and round and full of stars in them.

But for all these thoughts and emotions coursing through his veins, he was unable to voice any of them, the feeling of déjà vu shaking him to his core and serving as reassurance that he hadn’t been crazy, he hadn’timagined you.

He stared open mouthed, unable to form the words he had always wanted to say to you, until Tae nudged his side. He looked at his best friend who had shot him a confused look, silently telling him to stop being weird. He had almost forgotten under which circumstances he was meeting you in. Almost.

“Oh, uh, yeah, he’s mine. Thanks.”

You nodded and stood up, coming to Taehyung’s side and grabbing a hold of your boyfriend’s hand. You peered at the five other curious eyes that stared back at you from the living room. Tae led you toward the couches and Jungkook hesitated before following right behind his traitorous dog.

“Everyone, this is Y/N, Y/N, this is Yoongi, Jimin, Jin, Hobi, Namjoon and Jungkook.”

You blushed, bowing at everyone and smiling shyly at Jungkook. You hated being the center of attention, so you wanted to get this introduction out of the way as soon as possible.

“Wow, she’s a foreigner.” Yoongi was the first to speak, eyeing you and Taehyung.

“Oh, did I not mention that?” Tae scratched his cheek in thought. He had mentioned it, but only to Jungkook.

“No, you didn’t. Does she speak Korean?”

“I do,” you spoke up, feeling awkward that they weren’t talking directly to you.

The boys looked at each other in wonderment, already impressed by Taehyung’s girlfriend. But the person who was most intrigued was Jungkook. A thousand questions burned at the tip of his tongue. He was dying to know how you’d gotten here, and how he might fit into that equation, though he desperately beat back that tiny flame of hope inside of himself that somehow you were both still meant to be.

“So, what are we watching?” Hobi opened a bag of chips and dug his hand in, already bored of the introductions. Relief flooded your system as they all switched to a topic that wasn’t about you.

Jungkook shifted his gaze to his feet, realizing he was still staring like a weirdo, so he decided to pop the dvd into his entertainment system while you and Taehyung situation yourselves on the floor. You cuddled into your boyfriend’s side, shyly leaning your head on his shoulder to shield yourself from any curious eyes.

Jungkook made his way towards his spot on the couch now occupied by his dog. He shooed the animal off and plopped back down, keeping his eyes trained on the television.

But try as he did, he couldn’t keep his eyes from wandering towards you. He could barely see you from the way you were sitting next to Taehyung below, but it was enough to know that you were there in the same room as him. His heart began racing as he thought about what this might mean.

You weren’t just a stranger in the street he happened to recognize, you were his best friend’s girlfriend. And apparently you two were serious, according to Taehyung himself. That wasn’t a term his best friend used lightly, so he knew you two were the real deal.

It was only then that his jealousy had begun to set in, though it felt out of place.

Jungkook had given up on you a long time ago, made his peace with the idea that you and he weren’t, in fact, fated somehow. So why was he suddenly green with envy at the thought that Taehyung of all people would be the one you ended up with. He had grown comfortable with the idea that some ordinary guy on the other side of the world whom he knew nothing about would be the guy you ended up with, not his best friend.

Jungkook balled his fists on his thighs. He let out a shaky breath and clenched his jaw, willing his eyes to go back to the movie on screen.

But when the chips made their way to you, he watched as you politely declined to have any. Jungkook began reminiscing to a few years ago when you had gone through a phase of eating a lot less to look a certain way. He pursed his lips, hoping you weren’t doing that kind of thing again.

He watched your hand, specifically the one enveloped inside of Tae’s grip. The blonde rubbed circles into your thumb which cause your shoulders to relax and for you to melt into Taehyung’s side. You had been tense, though Jungkook suspected as much since you’d never quite gotten over your aversion to attention as a child.

Suddenly the boy felt a pair of eyes burning at the side of his face. He turned and caught Hobi’s eyes on him. His housemate furrowed his eyebrows, gesturing over to you behind your back and mouthing the words why are you staring.

Jungkook pursed his lips. He had forgotten about his surroundings yet again. He absolutely wouldn’t be able to explain himself, so he settled for seeming like a creep in his friend’s eyes as he turned his focus back on the television. And he successfully kept his attention off of you, though he couldn’t quite stop his mind from drifting.

He began to wonder what exactly you had been up to for the past couple years that had landed you here, in his living room, watching a movie together.

The last thing he remembered about you was that you had taken a trip here after your shitty high school boyfriend had broken up with you. Had you liked Seoul enough to come back to and live? Had you pursued your interest in historical studies like the little nerd you always were? Clearly you had learned a thing or two since high school in the romance category, since you had said yes to such a great guy like Taehyung. Would you have been less happy if you had ended up with him? Jungkook shut his eyes and forced the intrusive thought out of his mind. There was no you and him, there never was, so there was no reason to waste time imagining it.

Before he knew it, the movie had ended, and he had no idea what is was even about. There were a few explosions, that’s about all he could recall.

As everyone stretched and commented on the movie’s ending, Jungkook stole a few glances in your direction. He instantly noticed how you had hid yourself behind Taehyung a bit, listening attentively but shying away whenever someone looked at you. In an effort to get away from Yoongi’s stare, your eyes landed on Jungkook’s which had already been on you. You blushed and looked down at your feet, feeling socially overwhelmed. Jungkook fought the urge to be protective over you, to get in between you and the curious stares and to ask you if you were okay. But no matter how much of a right he felt to do these things, he knew he couldn’t, so he was happy when Taehyung looked down and finally noticed your blushing face. He looked up at Yoongi and quirked a brow at him.

“You want to take a picture? It’ll last longer!” Yoongi chuckled at Tae’s outburst but nonetheless turned away from them. He challenged anyone else with a stern look who might dare to make you feel uncomfortable. Each of the boys looked away, rubbing the backs of their necks like little boys who had been caught teasing the new girl.

Jungkook cleared his throat, taking this moment to speak to you for the first time.

“So…Y/N… how did you get to be in Korea, if you don’t mind me asking.” The hard line in Taehyung’s lips softened into a smile. He felt glad that at least one of his friends was being polite. Your boyfriend turned towards you, giving you an encouraging smile.

You peered up at Jungkook from between your eyelashes, the blush slowly leaving your face. “Well, I came to Seoul once in high school, and I really liked it. I ended up applying to Yonsei shortly after. I wasn’t expecting to get in, but I did, and I’ve been here ever since.”

Jungkook nodded thoughtfully, slowly piecing together the last couple years of your life he had been absent for.

“So…you’re still in school then?”

“No, actually, I graduated last year. I met Taehyung during my graduation in fact! It’s a funny story.” You smiled up at your boyfriend who was beaming down at you. He hugged you closer to his side, recalling that day vividly.

Someone made a noise of disgust, breaking you two out of your moment. Taehyung launched himself at Jimin while everyone laughed, including you. You giggled quietly as you watched your boyfriend wrestle his friend to the ground. Jungkook was enamored with you, that he couldn’t deny. He had so many more questions, but he knew it’d be weird to give you the third degree right now, so he took the opportunity that everyone’s attention was averted to slip quietly upstairs to his bedroom. He had grown mentally exhausted and he wanted a chance to recoup in the solace of his bedroom.

As he plopped himself on his bed and stared up at the ceiling with his hands behind his head, the same words he had been trying to force out of his head were now running rampant through his mind like a broken record. If I hadn’t given up on us, would I be where Taehyung was at now? Should I have waited for you?

The boy sighed and stood up, crouching down under his bed to fish for his sketch pad then locating the pencil he had chucked onto his nightstand. He got to work right away, sketching a blushing girl, giggling at something a few feet away. He spent extra time on her features, making sure he got them exactly right this time. He paused to look at it periodically, ruminating on what was missing before he added a detail here and there.

Jungkook wasn’t sure how much time had passed before there was a heavy knock at his door. He opened the door only to find Hobi leaning against the doorframe, staring at Jungkook with a weird expression on his face. He let himself into the boy’s room without invitation, something that always annoyed Jungkook to no end.

“Can I help you?” the brunette closed the door and turned to his hyung who had already made himself at home on his bed. His new guest eyed the sketch pad on the bed before turning back to his younger friend.

“What’s up with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You seem weird, can’t put my finger on it though.” Hobi squinted as he stared at Jungkook, willing for him to cough up any details about Taehyung’s girlfriend that he didn’t know. “What do you have against Y/N?”

The question caught Jungkook off guard, causing him to look around the room and stutter. “I— I don’t know what you’re referring to hyung. She’s a nice girl, why would I have anything against her?”

Hobi continued squinting at Jungkook. He knew him to be a terrible liar, which couldn’t be more obvious in this moment. This only served as more confirmation that something fishy was going on.

“Well, you couldn’t stop staring at her, and the first chance you got, you left. You must know something.” Hobi leaned back on the bed and felt the pad brush up against his fingers. Since Jungkook wasn’t budging, he decided to pick it up and flip through it. Jungkook froze as he watched someone looking at his drawings for the first time ever. Would he know who they all were?

He watched Hobi carefully, noticing how his dull eyes had lit up in recognition. His eyebrows shot up as a slow whistle left his puckered lips. Shit.

“Holy shit—”

“Let me explain.”

“You’re in love with Tae’s girl?!” Hobi turned toward the boy with pure humor rearranging his features. He had caught the bastard red handed.

“No, I’m not!” Jungkook ground his teeth together as he stomped over to his bed and ripped the pad out of his friend’s hands.

“Yes, you are!! You totally are dude. There’s like a million drawings in here of her! When did you have time to do all of these!?” Hobi spoke in between incredulous laughter.

Jungkook sighed impatiently, looking back towards the door in fear that someone might overhear.

“Shut the fuck up! You have no idea what you’re talking about right now.”

“So, what is it then?” Hobi leaned back, eyeing his friend suspiciously. There wasn’t much the younger boy might be able to say that would convince him otherwise, but he gave him the benefit of the doubt, nonetheless.

Jungkook sighed again, dragging his feet as he moved beside Hobi. He sat down heavily, placing the pad on Hobi’s lap reluctantly.

“I always date my drawings.” Jungkook didn’t offer anything more, so Hobi let his curiosity get the best of him and flipped the book open once more. He looked at the bottom left corner of the first page, furrowing his eyebrows while reading the date once, twice, and one more time.

“This is from…years ago…” He turned to another page, and then another, finally realizing that today wasn’t Jungkook’s first encounter with Tae’s girlfriend.

“Bro…this is fucked up.” He chucked the book back on the bed, turning to Jungkook whom was regarding him shamefully. “Does Tae know about this?”

Jungkook shook his head solemnly. “He doesn’t have to know either. I’m staying out of the way, so don’t say anything to him.”

Hobi thought for a moment. He wasn’t used to being Jungkook’s confidante. That role had been taken by Tae from the beginning. He was conflicted, since they were both good friends of his. He didn’t want to be in the middle when this would undoubtedly blow up in Jungkook’s face, but he didn’t want Tae to think him a traitor for staying quiet either. But what would he even be staying quiet about?

“So, what exactly went on between you two? Did you two grow up together or something? She didn’t seem to know you when she first got here.”

Jungkook sighed, realizing he would have to risk sounding crazy in order to get Hobi to understand the unique situation he was in.

“That’s because she doesn’t know who I am. But I’ve always known who she was.”

“What are you some kinda stalker?!”

Jungkook deadpanned at Hobi who pursed his lips, promising not to interrupt anymore.

“It’s…hard for me to say this, so be open minded, if you can. I’ve had these…visions,” Jungkook fearfully peered at his friend who was staring back at him in confusion, “so to speak, since I was a child. They were all about her, and it’s not like I chose this, or anything, they just kind of happen. But it was hard for me to recall her face whenever I wasn’t seeing these…visions…so I started sketching her whenever I could, to remember. I know it sounds weird, but please believe me, I have no reason to lie.”

When Jungkook hadn’t heard anything, he looked over at his friend who was staring down at the floor in contemplation. Hobi was conflicted between believing Jungkook had truly lost his marbles and believing even a sliver of what he was saying. Hobi never believed in anything supernatural of that sort, so it was hard for him to process his words. Still, if there was any possibility that he wasn’t going to go rat Jungkook out to Tae in the next minute, it all depended on whether he believed Jungkook’s innocence. He couldn’t lie and say he wasn’t intrigued, but the thought of Jungkook making all of this up to convince him they weren’t fooling around being Taehyung’s back seemed a bit much.

“So, let me get this straight. You expect me to believe that you have all of these drawings and know intimate things about Taehyung’s girl, not because you two are hooking up in secret, but because you have these weird fortune telling powers? Do you think I’m an idiot or something?”

Jungkook sighed again, “I don’t know what you want me to say. It’s the truth. There’s nothing else to it.”

Hobi thought for a second. He had fully expected his friend to blow up on him and get defensive, and when he didn’t, he was even more inclined to hear him out.

“Okay…if this bullshit is all true, then tell me some things about her that only you would know.”

Jungkook quirked a brow, wondering how that would prove his innocence to Hobi, but nonetheless he complied.

“Well,” Jungkook flipped through all of his memories of your life in his mind, recalling a ton he could choose from, ��she auditioned for the cheerleading squad in her middle school, but she got denied because she couldn’t even do a cartwheel. Oh, and she used to have a secret pet. She found this dying kitten on her way home from school one day and she wanted to take it home, but she knew her parents wouldn’t be okay with that, so she snuck it in and kept it in her room. She fed it and bathed it, but it died a week later, and she was so broken up about it for a long time.” Jungkook thought some more, “When she turned 14, her parents finally let her go to the movies with her friends without parental supervision. She decided to stuff her bra with toilet paper before going, but it fell out during the movie,” Jungkook began sniggering, remembering the mortification you felt in that moment, “so she quietly pulled it all out and left it under her chair. OH and she skipped school one time to get a belly button ring that ended up getting infected.”

“OKAY, that’s enough! Jeez.” Hobi stood up from the bed exasperatedly. There was no denying Jungkook knew some pretty weird details about you, but there was only one way to find out if they were real or not. “Come on, dinner’s ready.”

Jungkook followed Hobi back downstairs where everyone awaited at the dinner table. He sat across from the red head, trying his best not to look in your direction even when he could feel your eyes on him. He just wanted to get through this meal as quickly as possible so he could retreat back into his room. It was funny how back then he wanted nothing more than to spend time with you, and now after all this time he wanted nothing more than for you to disappear through the same door you had come from.

“So, Y/N,” Hobi cleared his throat while everyone looked up at him. You looked down the table towards him, startled to hear him calling you so loudly. Jungkook’s head snapped up in his direction, a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach forming quickly, “I feel like I hardly know you. You ever had any pets?”

Everyone turned toward you as you thought for a second. Your voice was small, barely heard above the television that played in the background.

“Umm, no not really. I wasn’t allowed to have any growing up.”

Hobi shot Jungkook a look as the younger boy grimaced, realizing what he was trying to do.

“Okay…ever gotten denied from a sports team?”

The boys made faces at Hobi, wondering why his questions were so oddly specific. Tae shot him a warning glance, turning back to you as you mulled over his question.

“Does cheerleading count?”

Jungkook’s eyebrows shot up, and he turned towards Hobi who had mirrored the same expression.

Taehyung smiled down at you, “Babe, I didn’t know you wanted to be a cheerleader at some point.”

You smiled back at him bashfully, “It was in middle school actually, but I couldn’t do any acrobatics to save my life.” You giggled at memory. What was once painfully humiliating was now a fond memory to you, and it had affected Jungkook in the same way. When he experienced things along with you, he felt them too as if they were happening to him. But your memories aged within him just like his own, he was happy to find.

“Hm. Interesting. Well, as you can see here, we’re big fans of tattoos and piercings. Got any of your own?”

“What the fuck kind of question is that?!” Taehyung growled at the loud mouth redhead sitting a few feet from him. You clutched at your boyfriends’ sleeve, letting him know you didn’t find an issue with his curiosity.

“Well, not really no. I had a belly button piercing once but I took it out. It was way too much work.”

Taehyung turned to you, speaking in a low tone. “Are you serious? Wait that’s actually really hot. Why didn’t you tell me?”

You giggled, getting embarrassed, “I never really told anyone about that actually. It was my way of being a rebel in high school.” Taehyung chuckled at your confession, pulling on your cheek to show you how adorable he thought you were.

Hobi focused on his meal during the remainder of the dinner, a look of torment shone on his face that no one bothered to question him about. Jungkook felt a twinge of guilt, knowing he had put Hobi in a weird predicament by sharing something so inexplicable with him. But what was he supposed to do, risk making both you and he look like adulterers in a single bound?

Jungkook counted the seconds until you would leave, but goddammit, the time just never came. He was finding less and less excuses to slip away and not get to know Tae’s girlfriend, and at the end of the night when everyone was tired and heading to bed, Taehyung had excused you both and gone straight into his bedroom for the night.

Jungkook wasn’t sure why he expected otherwise, knowing how Taehyung operated with women. How could he have expected you two to be celibate? The boy begrudgingly went upstairs and into his bedroom, flinging himself onto his bed. He wasn’t tired in the slightest since he was used to being at work at this time.

He had deliberately not made any plans tonight for the purpose of meeting you, which he was now deeply regretting as he recalled how thin the wall that his bedroom shared with Tae’s was.

Jungkook quickly hopped up and fetched his guitar from its stand, deciding he’d practice his music all night if he had to, though realistically, he knew Tae’s longest time was about 40 minutes, so that wouldn’t be necessary at all.

Jungkook strummed on his strings a few times before remembering to fetch his song book in case he had any ideas for lyrics.

During the brief silence as he walked over to his desk, he heard your distinct giggle from the other side of the wall. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, exhaling through flared nostrils before returning to his guitar.

By the time the sun was rising, he had written and rehearsed an entire song. Of course, it was about you. He just couldn’t get you out of his stupid head no matter what he did. You’d ruined him all over again and you’d only been back in his life for less than a day. He decided he’d hate you from now on as he threw on his hoodie to step outside for a morning cigarette.

He’d hate your face, he’d hate your blush, he’d hate your stupid giggle, and he’d hate your nerdy tendencies. There was nothing about you that he’d allow himself to love or even like. That was the only way he was going to make it out of this situation in one piece.

But as he stepped out into the patio and made eye contact with you, all of those declarations melted away. He loved all of those things about you, and he always would, so he tried even harder to push back against the way his inner self wanted nothing more than to hold you in his arms and tell you all the things about him that you’d missed over the past 24 years.

You had snuck out of Tae’s bed for a morning cigarette as well, but you realized you hadn’t brought a lighter with you, so you settled for taking in some cool fresh air. When Jungkook came out to join you, you offered him a warm smile, remembering how nice he had been to you the night before, so it was a shock to see the way his eyes and his jaw hardened under your gaze. He seemed to have grown an aversion to you, or were you just unaware at how generally disliked you were around here?

Jungkook let the door close behind him with a bang as he took his cigarette off of his ear and popped it into his mouth. He fished the lighter from his pants and began trying to light it as you popped your own cigarette into your mouth.

You watched as he lit his cigarette and inhaled greedily before exhaling tiredly into the cool morning air.

“Umm,” You looked up at the boy who was busy pretending you weren’t there. He stiffened at the sound of your voice before hesitantly looking over to you. His eyes widened at the sight of the cigarette in your mouth. “Can I borrow your lighter?”

Jungkook furrowed his brow, yanking the cigarette from in between your lips quickly.

“Y/N what are you doing!? You don’t smoke!”

You were shocked at the way he felt comfortable enough to do such a thing, even speaking to you as if he knew you. You stared at each other, the moment tense with many things unsaid. Suddenly, he realized his mistake, looking away from you to compose himself. Of course, you didn’t know how well he knew you. You’d always found these things disgusting. What changed?

Jungkook decided it would be best to just play this whole thing off as a joke, but when he extended the cigarette back out to you, he felt conflicted with himself. As much of hypocrite that he was being in this moment, he didn’t want to encourage your newfound habit, so he chucked the cigarette into the grass just before you could wrap your fingers around it.

You stared open mouthed as you watched the stick land on the dirt. There was no way you wanted to put your mouth on it now. Your eyes watered, looking back up at the boy who was being inexplicably mean to you. Between the odd stares and the whispering last night, and now this, you had just about had enough.

“What the hell did I do to you!? To any of you?! You’re all so…” You struggled to find the words to say, then realized it probably wasn’t smart to blow up on Tae’s best friend right after meeting him. So you groaned and turned away, marching back upstairs to your boyfriend’s room before you embarrassed yourself by crying from being overwhelmed in front of Jungkook.

Jungkook sighed once he heard the door to Tae’s room close. He continued sucking on the cigarette, mentally scolding himself for not handling the situation better. Part of him was thundering, angry that he hadn’t done everything he could to keep you there with him as long as he could. He knew he couldn’t listen to that part of himself though, not if he didn’t want to cross any lines he couldn’t come back from.

Jungkook stomped the flame out of his cigarette before going back upstairs and finally submitting to his exhaustion. But just as he nodded off to sleep, he realized he was still awake. Or was he?

He was looking up at the ceiling for a while, until he realized it wasn’t his ceiling, it was Tae’s ceiling, and you were the one looking at it.

He felt a thrill running through him. He hadn’t dreamed of you in years, and it still felt as natural to him as if he’d never stopped.

You were lying next to Tae as he slept, trying to calm yourself down so that you could go back to sleep peacefully. You were fuming, playing the events of this morning over and over in your head. It felt surreal for Jungkook to see himself as a guest star in his dreams of you. For so long, the dreams felt like something so detached from himself, as abstract as the very concept itself.

Although you were seeing him in a negative light, he was still beside himself that for the first time, he wasn’t the only one thinking of you. You were finally thinking of him too.

It was better this way, for you to hate him instead of feel for him the complicated feelings he felt for you. He watched as you drifted off to sleep, and so his dream went dark for the remainder of his sleep, not that he minded anyway.

Three loud and decided consecutive knocks interrupted the quietness of Jungkook’s bedroom. It was late in the evening and Jungkook was busy styling his hair before heading off to work. Normally he’d be annoyed by the intrusion, but he recognized those knocks by now. Tae’s knuckles hitting solid wood always sounded like bullets.

Jungkook sauntered over to the door and opened it before heading back to the mirror. He didn’t bother asking his best friend what was up or even making eye contact with him, he knew if Tae ever had something to say he’d just say it.

“Getting ready for work?” Jungkook grunted in response, putting his comb down and picking up his hair spray. “Alright, well I won’t hold you up then. I just wanted to ask you personally about what happened the other day. Y/N said you were really mean to her…”

Taehyung observed his friend closely for a response. He had been surprised to hear you two hadn’t actually gotten along since he was under the impression that you two had hit it off quite well. Surely it was a misunderstanding?

Jungkook struggled to conceal his smirk. Nerd’s still a tattle tale I see.

“Oh, really? I didn’t think I was being mean at all.” Jungkook looked over at Taehyung innocently.

The older boy sighed in frustration. “Okay well, whatever the case, can you please just fix it?”

Jungkook quirked a brow. “Why do you care so much?”

“Please, dude! C’mon do this for me! I really need her to be comfortable coming over! She doesn’t like fucking at her place with all her roommates around and I really need to get laid.”

Jungkook snorted and turned back to the mirror. He didn’t see how that was his problem in the slightest. In fact, he should be the last person on this earth to worry about it.

“Jungkook c’mon!”

The younger boy audibly groaned, quickly becoming tired of this conversation.

“What do you want me to do if she doesn’t like me!?”

“I don’t know man, show her your nice side? Say something nice to her? Spend a little time together? Fuck if I know what girls need in this situation…” Jungkook grimaced. He didn’t like the sound of having to spend quality time with you one bit. “C’mon dude, you used to be my trusty wingman. Do this for me!”

Jungkook squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the buzzing in his veins.

“Okay, fine! Fuck!”

Taehyung’s face lit up like a Christmas tree. He knew he could count on his best friend to get him laid.

“Alright, I’m outta here. Thanks dude, seriously!”

Jungkook grunted his response as Tae flew down the stairs and out of sight. He let out a long sigh as he collected his belongings. He already knew this would be a long night now that he was already thinking about you. Normally he’d stave off any thoughts that had to do with you as long as possible. Taehyung that dickhead.

Jungkook’s train ride to work was quick as usual. The cars were always stuffed with people at the hour that he’d always go in, but luckily, he didn’t have to put up with it for too long. He was already quite used to his work routine by now.

He’d start by letting himself in through the club’s side door. He’d greet the owner who was always inside doing paperwork before the rest got in. The guys from security were always there too, helping set up the floor.

When Jungkook first started working there, he always kept his head down and did his job to the best of his ability. Nothing much had changed throughout the years, except that now he knew people’s names and had even made a friend or two.

Once he’d make his way to the bar, Jungkook liked to start off by making sure all of the glasses and shakers were cleaned and properly stocked. Then he’d fill his ice and get the juices, sodas and fruits he needed to make his drinks. By then, the club would be opening and quickly filling. His barback would also show up to help him out. He was a good kid, reminded Jungkook of himself a lot when he was his age. Jungkook never bothered asking him how he found himself in this city working at this club, but he had a feeling it was for a similar reasons as Jungkook’s.

On the weekends though, his coworker Lisa would show up a few hours into his shift to help him serve the massive volume of people in need of inebriation. He didn’t mind her company so much these days, now that she’d finally gotten the point that he didn’t want to sleep with her.

On this day, however, he was most grateful to see her bouncing bob making its way to him behind the bar. It was only a Friday, but it must’ve been the start to some kind of holiday weekend with the way people were hoarding the bar like an army of zombies.

“Hey Kookie!” Lisa ruffled the boy’s curls as she passed him by from behind.

“How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?” Jungkook filled four gin and tonics while grumbling at his coworker.

“Oh, I’m sorry Kookie. What would you prefer?” The girl purred innocently, loving the way it was so easy to fluster this man twice her size.

“Just Jungkook.” He stated monotonously as he pushed out the four drinks then got a couple beers from the minifridge under the counter.

“Hmm…nah. Too long!” She giggled at her own mischievousness while Jungkook could only groan. Unfortunately, the barback happened to come up with the ice refill they needed in that moment and was now on the receiving end of Jungkook’s pent up frustration.

“I asked for this shit ages ago, where have you been?!”

The boy flinched at the tone in Jungkook’s voice. He only stared wide-eyed, unable to defend himself. He had lost track of time after checking his phone once he got to the ice machine.

Lisa took the bucket from the boy and gave him an apologetic smile. He scurried off to the back to get the fruit Jungkook had also asked him for ages ago.

“Be easier on him or else he’ll quit. We can’t operate without a barback.”

Lisa took care of the next few drinks while Jungkook wiped the wet counter. The customers were getting drunker by the hour and consequently, sloppier.

“We can’t operate with a shitty barback either. He’s gotta learn. This is how I learned.”

Lisa rolled her eyes, knowing Jungkook meant well. He just didn’t understand what a brute he could be sometimes. She wished it hadn’t turned her on as much as it did.

The next hour went by as usual. Lisa and Jungkook had already developed a smooth flow of working together, finishing drinks for each other, picking up the slack whenever one of them was flirting for a good tip, even picking up the slack whenever one of them got a little too tipsy after taking shots with insistent customers.

Tonight, however, was different. Jungkook was distracted. He couldn’t stop looking at you and therefore was constantly messing up.

Your coworkers decided to drag you to a hot nightclub in Hongdae tonight to celebrate one of them finally getting engaged. Nightclubs weren’t exactly your scene, but you didn’t want to spoil the infectious mood or offend them by declining to go. It had taken a long time for them to warm up to you as a foreigner, so you didn’t want to do anything that might put them off. It’s not that you were against the drinking and the dancing and the partying per se, you loved having a good time. But sometimes you’d get in your own head and worry about coming off as awkward. You also weren’t a good dancer.

Nonetheless, you found yourself at the crowded venue with the girls close to midnight, swaying to the music and sucking on a sweet vodka cranberry.

Jungkook had spotted you as soon as you came in. He’d felt a tingling sensation that wouldn’t leave him, until he served a customer that was facing the door. His eyes snapped to your figure receding into the crowd that surrounded the bar. With his eyes trained on you like a hawk, he quickly gathered you were there with a group of women whom had reserved a table last minute. It was hard for him to keep track of you unless he went out of his way to peer over the heads crowding the bar, so he tried not to care at all, which resulted in him distractedly making drinks wrong and ultimately knocking over a glass.

Lisa casted worried glances at her coworker who was normally such an expert. When the glass smashed against the floor, she considered it to be the last straw. Jungkook rolled up his sleeves, exposing the tattoos that decorated both of his arms before squatting down to pick up the mess he had made. She placed a hand firmly on his shoulder, causing him to flinch as he looked up at her.

“Go take 5. I’ll clean up. I don’t know what’s wrong with you today but go get yourself together.”

Jungkook pursed his lips and nodded before heading out of the club through the back. He left the door ajar so as not to lock himself out and as soon as the cool air hit his hot cheeks, he visibly relaxed. He hated being a liability at work. The fact that you were the reason that he was being so clumsy and sloppy was doubly annoying.

Jungkook fished for his lighter and his pack of cigarettes in his pants. He found the former but not the latter, realizing he forgot them at home on his nightstand, another result of his head being so occupied. He sighed in frustration, leaning against the brick wall and tugging at his roots with his fingers. What is she even doing here of all places? Did Tae put her up to this? This wasn’t what he meant when he agreed to spending time with you.

Suddenly a sharp cry pierced his muddled thoughts. His head snapped towards the end of the alley where a woman and a man were huddled together. He squinted his eyes and listened closely, realizing that the situation looked hostile.

The drunken man’s hand was gripping the woman’s arm roughly and tugging her towards him while she struggled to get out of his embrace.

“I SAID NO!” With one final tug, the girl ripped her arm out of the man’s grasp, only for him to lunge at her phone that was in her other hand.

Jungkook hadn’t realized when his feet started moving. All he knew was that the voice belonged to you and that you were in trouble.

His hand pushed the man roughly, causing the older guy to stumble backwards. He had successfully gotten your phone out of your hand, so Jungkook reached for it and snatched it back. The man looked at him furiously.

“Who the hell are you!? Mind your own business man!”

“Get the fuck out of here before I get security.” Jungkook’s voice was low and calm, more of a threat than screaming would ever prove. The man took one look at you and Jungkook before sucking his teeth and walking off.

Jungkook watched him for a while until he disappeared into another bar up the block then turned to you.

You were shaking, hiding behind Jungkook a bit.

He instantly took pity on you, handing you your phone back and subtly turning the corners of his mouth upward.

“You okay?”

You looked up at him and nodded weakly, taking your phone back sullenly.

“…Yeah. I just came out here to call Tae and this creep followed me! God, I don’t know what would’ve happened if you weren’t here…what are you doing here, by the way?”

“I work here. Bartender.”

A look of recognition flashed across your eyes before you smiled down at your feet. “Ah, the bartender.”

Jungkook quirked a brow, curious about the sudden inflection in your voice. When you saw his eyes regarding you questioningly, you chuckled and blushed.

“No, it’s just that, my friend got us all drinks and she wouldn’t stop talking about the hot bartender.”

Jungkook’s eyebrows shot up and he couldn’t help chuckling himself. He rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment, looking at anywhere else that wasn’t you.

“Ah…”

Suddenly the smell of smoke wafted in front of Jungkook. He noticed you had lit a cigarette while he wasn’t paying attention.

“You’re not going to rip this one out of my mouth, are you?” You challenged him with a playful look, causing the boy to chuckle again.

“Nah I’m not.” A moment passed as he deliberated on what to do. You clearly had a phone call to make, and his five minutes were just about up. He should go. He should definitely go. “Hey, can I bum one off of you? I left my pack at home.”

“Oh this is actually my last one, but we can share!” You extended the white stick out to him. He hesitated before plucking it from your fingers and taking a long drag.

You both took turns passing it back and forth in silence. Although this moment was innocent, Jungkook knew he was already beginning to overstep the boundaries he had long placed in between you two. His mind screamed for him to go back to work, but his feet just didn’t move.

“So, you told on me to Tae huh?” Jungkook exhaled a clowd of smoke then handed you the cigarette with a cocky smile.

You couldn’t help but smile back, yanking the already shortened stick from his hand.

“I hold no loyalties to you.” You stuck your tongue out at him playfully. You were glad there wasn’t any animosity between you two as you had initially thought. Tae held his friendship to Jungkook near and dear to him, so it wore on you to be on bad terms with someone whom he loved that much.

Jungkook shook his head, refusing to take the cigarette when you attempted to pass it to him. “So why are youhere?”

“Just here with my coworkers. Do I look that out of place?”

Jungkook shook his head quickly, not meaning to offend you.

“No! You look good here! I mean— You…” You giggled at his sputtering, not realizing someone like Jungkook could ever get nervous. He struck you as such a cool guy, maybe a bit of a fuck boy. Suddenly you saw someone peaking their head out of the backdoor and looking in your direction.

“You on break?” You gestured toward your observer.

Jungkook followed your gaze. Lisa must’ve sent the barback for him. He instantly felt a twinge of guilt, leaving her to fend for herself on such a busy night.

“No, actually. I should probably get back.” You nodded and dropped the dead cigarette to the pavement, stomping on it with your heel. As he started walking away, he couldn’t help himself from turning around to look at you one more time. You met his gaze questioningly, so he searched for something cool to say. “Try not to get into any more trouble, I won’t be here to protect you.”

You smiled and rolled your eyes. “No promises.”

“So, uh…guess I’ll see you around.” Jungkook began walking off again before stopping in his tracks at the sound of your voice.

“Well, actually, you’ll see me at home! I was going to go see Tae tonight since your place is close by. Should we…take the train together?”

Jungkook was caught off guard. He hadn’t expected to be spending any more alone time with you. “Well, I close actually…”

“That’s okay! I doubt my friends will let me leave any earlier anyway. Besides Tae hates it when I take public transport alone late at night. Case in point” You gestured to the bar up the block and beamed at him. His heart stuttered a bit.

“Uh…Okay, yeah… sure. Just come see me at the bar if your friends leave.” Jungkook turned swiftly and disappeared back into the club, rushing to join Lisa behind the counter. He couldn’t wipe the goofy smirk from his face, even when Lisa shot him a dirty look for being gone so long. He simply whistled as he got back into the groove of serving the hordes of people throwing their money at them. Lisa wanted to be annoyed with him, but she couldn’t, seeing how much of a good mood he was suddenly in.

Towards the end of the night when a lot of the crowd had thinned out, she turned towards the cheerful boy who was wiping down the counter while whistling.

“Did you get laid out back or something? What’s gotten into you?”

Jungkook shot her a crooked smile, “Nah, just, in a good mood for no reason.”

Lisa pursed her lips in disbelief. From the corner of her eye, she could see a woman making their way to the bar. When she looked over and prepared herself to take her order, she saw how her eyes were trained on Jungkook.

You perched yourself on the barstool directly in front of Jungkook. The last of your coworkers had caught a cab home, leaving you the last one standing. You were pretty tipsy, but nowhere near as drunk as the rest of them had been.

Jungkook’s eyes met yours and he smiled goofily again. “Hey. Friend’s leave?”

“Yep! I’m all yours.”

Jungkook’s neck began heating up at your choice of words, so he decided to busy himself by starting on some of the closing duties.

Lisa looked between you two in curiosity. It was a rare night when Jungkook wasn’t leaving with a girl on his arm by the end of the night, but it was the first time she’d ever seen someone affect him so obviously. She crossed her arms, smiling to herself. Flustered Jungkook was a rare sight to behold.

“Do you two know each other?”

You looked over at the female bartender who was leaning across the counter staring at you.

“Uh, yeah kinda. I’m dating his best friend.”

Lisa’s eyebrows shot up and a slow smile crept across her face. Her eyes landed on Jungkook who was expertly avoiding her accusatory gaze. “Is that so…”

“You good to close up on your own?” Jungkook turned to Lisa who wasn’t too happy about him leaving early, even if she had gotten in after he did. But nonetheless the place was nearly dead, she had no excuse to keep him longer.

“I guess…” The girl pouted as he turned to you and gestured toward the door. You hopped off the stool and turned to Lisa.

“It was nice to meet you…” You waited for her to tell you her name, but she simply turned away and busied herself with cleaning something that was already clean.

Jungkook rolled his eyes at his coworker’s childish behavior as he led you out of the club.

It had gotten much colder than it was before. Jungkook had known it would, since he’s used to leaving work at 4 in the morning. You on the other hand, had not brought a jacket and were shivering already before you two had cleared the first block on the way to the train station.

Jungkook watched you rub the goosebumps on your arms before he shrugged out of his leather jacket and draped it around your shoulders. You were shocked, not expecting him to do such a gentlemanly thing. Jeon Jungkook really knew how to surprise you.

You smiled and stuck your arms through, appreciating how much it was already warming you.

“Her name’s Lisa, by the way.” Jungkook stared straight ahead. You nodded, realizing he noticed the way she ignored you as well.

“Lisa huh…I think she likes you.” You laced your fingers behind your back and looked up at Jungkook teasingly. The boy chuckled as you both descended the stairs into the subway.

“You think so?” He knew you were right; he just hadn’t expected you to catch onto it so quickly.

“Yep! You should ask her out, she’s pretty.”

Jungkook held the door open for you. He smiled and shook his head. “Thanks, but I’m good.”

You hummed, trying to figure out his deal. “Is she not your type?”

“It’s not really that…” Jungkook looked up at the ceiling, not wanting to talk about other women with you.

“Then…”

“I just don’t want to cross that line. She’s my coworker.”

You nodded, able to respect his reasoning. “If you ever do though, we can double date!”

“���I’ll pass.” You couldn’t help but chuckle. He was definitely rough around the edges.

Jungkook checked the schedule for the next train. It was late at night, so the wait was 30 minutes instead of the usual 5-7.

You both waited near the edge of the tracks in silence. You two didn’t know each other that well, or so you thought, so you struggled to find something to talk about. You had only just met him, and so far, the only things you knew about him were that he liked cigarettes, wearing black, that he worked as a bartender and that he played guitar and that he sang. Oh, and that he was quite the womanizer. That last known fact was curtesy of Tae and all of the stories he told you about his fuck boy crusade with his best friend.

Jungkook searched for something to say. In reality, there were a million things he could say to you, but most of them would probably have you accusing him of being some kind of stalker.

“You have a really nice voice by the way.” Your question had caught Jungkook off guard again. He looked at you with his eyebrows furrowed, wondering how the hell you knew he liked to sing. “I heard you that night. You were up late playing your guitar.”

“Ah…sorry if I kept you up…”

“No, it’s fine! It was nice…” After another short pause, you decided to ask something that had always made you curious, “So, how did you and Tae meet?”

“He didn’t tell you?”

“Sort of, he just said it was at a party, but I have a feeling there’re more to the story.”

Jungkook recalled that night almost 5 years ago. The truth was that they were both trying to fuck the same girl. They ended up getting competitive with each other, almost fought after a mix up, but the girl ended up leaving with a different guy and made them both feel like dumbasses, so they ended up going to a bar together to drown their sorrows. Although it was the start of a beautiful friendship, he could tell why Tae redacted some details.

“There’s not much to say really. We went to the same party and hit it off.”

You quirked your brow at him, feeling as if he was playing his part as his friend. Nonetheless you accepted the boring story. More silence followed until Jungkook finally thought of something to say.

“So, you and Tae met at school, right?”

“Yep. Graduation.”

“Oh, that’s right, you told me that.”

Man, this is so awkward. Jungkook ran his fingers through his hair while you began walking away. It was clear you had grown bored with the conversation, so you began treating the edge of the platform as a balance beam, holding your arms away from your body for balance.

Jungkook watched you for a bit, becoming worried when he saw the way you swayed a little too much. He caught your arm before you could truly lose your balance, giving you a stern look.

“Jeez, you sure have little regard for your own life.”

You looked up at him sheepishly, “Sorry, I swear I’m not that drunk, it’s just these heels are a bit too big.”

“Why are you even wearing those things? You hate heels.”

You slipped your arm out of his grasp, looking at him in confusion. How the hell does he know that? Did Tae…No, it seems too weird to bring up in conversation.

Shitshitshit. Jungkook had fucked up again. He knew this would happen. He felt entirely too comfortable around you despite being supposed strangers. What could he say to fix this?

Thankfully your tense eye contact was cut off by the train’s horn quickly approaching your platform. It had arrived much earlier than Jungkook expected, and for the first time in years, he thanked the universe for looking out.

You both climbed into the train. It was a lot less crowded than usual, so you both found seats near a window. Of course, you two were no longer talking with the weirdness that now clung to the atmosphere between you two. Jungkook sat with his legs spread eyes wide facing forward and his fingers drumming on his knee as he tried find the right words to say to you.

You sat next to him in deep thought, trying to recall if you had ever even told Tae about your aversion to heels. The whole thing was bizarre, but you weren’t sure you wanted to overthink such an innocent comment. Still, it was a weird assumption for him to make about a girl he didn’t know…

A few minutes into the ride, you had dozed off mid thought. The night had worn on you more than you had thought, causing you to slump against Jungkook’s shoulder. The boy stiffened when he felt your warmth invading his personal space. The goose bumps on his arm subsided as he melted into you involuntarily.

No matter how much he fought you mentally, it was as if his body had a mind of its own, unwilling to accept that you weren’t, in fact, the one for him.

He chewed on his bottom lip absentmindedly. He was tired too, wanting nothing more than to lean his head on you and close his eyes for a minute, just to see what it might feel like to be close to you the way he had wanted to be for so long.

He tried not to move too quickly so as not to wake you when he looked down at you. Your hair was spilling all over the left side of his body and it smelled wonderful. He couldn’t quite place the scent…something fruity?

If life was truly fair, he would’ve been able to drape his arm around you and warm you even further as you snuggled against his side. He would’ve taken you home, not because you were there for another man, but because you wanted to come home with him. He would’ve carried you upstairs and thrown you onto his bed before taking out the years of pent up emotions he had for you out on your body. He would’ve—

Jungkook shook his head in an attempt to clear it, but consequently

woke you up in the process.

You took a deep breath as you opened your eyes and stretched out. You had only fallen asleep for a few minutes, yet it felt like you were knocked out cold. And as soon as you realized you had been drooling on Jungkook, your entire face grew beet red. You sat up straight and looked away, feeling the heat radiating from your face. You couldn’t believe you had been so careless.

“C’mon, it’s our stop.”

Jungkook extended his hand out to you to help you up from the seat in your disoriented state. You hesitated before taking it, and when you did, he quickly pulled you into him and placed an arm around you, looking behind you two multiple times as you made it out of the subterranean area.

“Sorry, those guys back there were being total creeps.” Jungkook let you go and took a few steps away from you once you two made it out into the fresh air again.

You were disoriented to say the least, wondering why your heart had stuttered at being so close to another man. Close to Jungkook, no less. It bothered you to say the least.

For a few minutes, all that could be heard was the clicking of your heels against the pavement as you both walked towards his house. It was only a few blocks from the train stop, so you both didn’t have to deal with the awkward silence for much longer.

As the house came into view, you both spotted Hobi sitting on the steps of the front porch. As soon as Jungkook saw him he stiffened, knowing fully well how something like this might seem now that Hobi was in the loop.

“Hey! Hobi, right?” You walked halfway up the stairs as the redhead smiled weakly at you.

“Yeah. Hey Y/N.” His eyes shifted in between you two suspiciously.

“Is Tae home?”

“Should be.”

You nodded, not knowing what to do with such short responses. You turned toward Jungkook who was at the bottom of the stairs. “Well, thanks for everything tonight. Ah, here you go.” You shrugged out of his jacket and handed it to him. He took it and balled it up under his arm. “Well…goodnight I guess.” You looked in between the boys, feeling some weird tension and unable to help feeling like it was about you.

They both bid you a goodnight in unison and watched you go inside and close the door behind you. Hobi’s accusatory glare landed back on Jungkook, but the boy didn’t have any energy to argue, so he began jogging up the steps. As soon as he got to the top, Hobi caught his wrist.

“Can I talk to you?”

Jungkook licked his lips and sighed, taking a seat next to the older boy. “It’s not what it looks like.”

“When is it ever not what it looks like?” He lowered his voice, speaking more urgently, “Seriously Jungkook, if what you told me is true, you gotta stay away from her man. You’re playing with fire!”

“I’m really trying to hyung. I want to stay away from her but Tae insisted I be nice to her. I don’t know what the fuck to do.”

“Well, be nice from far away!” Hobi snapped at Jungkook in a hushed tone, knowing how easily things could be heard in the quiet of the early hours.

Jungkook couldn’t help but laugh unironically. He couldn’t believe his damn luck. Hobi stood up and stretched out, deciding to go back to bed.

“You coming?”

“Nah, I’m going to stay out here for a while.” Jungkook could only imagine what might be going on in the room right next to his. In any case, he didn’t want to hear a single thing.

Hobi left the boy in silence.

In the next few months that followed the night of clubbing with your friends, something strange started to occur. While Jungkook was gradually starting to have an easier time being around you, quite the opposite was the case for you.

You seemed to have started developing a sort of crush on Jeon Jungkook.

You knew it was harmless. People in committed relationships could have crushes that meant nothing. Still, you waited impatiently for your brain to get over it. But the pesky thing persevered, only seeming to find more reasons to like him every time you went over to hang out.

You found yourself overthinking the looks he threw your way, or the things he said to you in passing, even feeling nervous whenever you two were alone for a while. It was odd, because Jungkook wasn’t your type, yet here you were, finding yourself attracted to him.

You’d never admit this to anyone, since they would automatically think you were losing feelings for Tae, which just wasn’t true. You absolutely adored Tae and were thankful every day that you met him. You couldn’t imagine your life without him now and even looked forward to the day he decided to take your relationship a step further.

But now there were two men occupying your thoughts throughout the day, and it was disorienting, to say the least.

You couldn’t quite put your finger on this thing you had with Jungkook, however. You two seemed to get along so naturally. He was somehow able to finish your sentences without you two knowing each other for long. He was also unnaturally protective over you, but you didn’t mind at all.

And as Christmas approached, you found yourself wanting to text Jungkook to help you shop for Taehyung’s present. You figured if there was anyone in this world that might know Tae better than you did, it was Jungkook. Still, you weren’t sure it was a good idea, so you held off on it until a week before the holiday when you ultimately gave up and sent him a simple “You busy this weekend?” text.

Jungkook hadn’t read it until he awoke for work several hours later, groggily fisting his eyes as he double then triple checked the sender of this ominous text.

You never texted him. And he didn’t remember ever giving you his number.

A slow smile crept across his face. He fell back onto his bed holding his phone up above his face. He wished he hadn’t felt so giddy receiving a text from you, but no one was around to see his reaction, so he allowed himself to be happy briefly in the confines of his bedroom.

He wrote out several texts to you before ultimately deleting them, feeling like they sounded way too eager. He ended up going with a simple “I’m off on Sunday, whatsup?”

You received the message while you were helping yourself to some cup noodles in Tae’s room. You came over to see him, but he still wasn’t home yet, so you decided to wait for him in his room along with the dog that had quickly warmed up to you. You figured Jungkook was awake now since he texted you back, so you quickly made your way next door.

Three soft knocks on Jungkook’s door had him dropping his phone on his face. He winced and plucked the device off, rubbing his forehead as he made his way to the door. The last person he expected to be on the other side was you, clearly shown in the way he froze at the entrance.

Your eyes bulged when you realized Jungkook was wearing a pair of boxer briefs and nothing more. You tried to look away, but you had already seen him head to toe, causing you to blush immensely. He watched your flustered state for a moment before realizing he was almost naked in front of you.

“Shit, sorry.” He walked back into his room and threw on a pair of sweats that were flung on the floor. He wasn’t used to being modest in his own house, there were never girls here unless they had come to get laid by one of them.

“Oh, it’s okay.” You still couldn’t look him in the eye, so you spoke from the hallway. “I just got your text.”

“Oh, yeah whatsup?” Jungkook sat at the edge of his bed, wondering why you refused to come in.

“Well, it’s Christmas in a few days and I still haven’t gotten Tae a present. I was hoping you would come to the mall with me and help me pick something out for him.” Your voice was hopeful, which made it hard for Jungkook to turn you down.

It would be the first time you two hung out alone together since that night you came to the club. He had been doing a lot better these days being around you, making sure not to say anything weird and making sure you two weren’t alone for too long. Sometimes you’d pass each other in the hallway on the way to the bathroom, and he’d be thrown off seeing you in nothing but an oversized t-shirt. But he’d be able to pull himself together, simply because he had to. He was like a robot these days, following a careful script in his head and making sure he was never too close to you. It was causing a strain on him if he was being honest, but his friendship with Tae was worth all of it and more. So he’d endure, so long as you and Tae were happy together.

But hanging out with you alone was risky. He didn’t have a full proof plan on how to survive being alone with you for an extended period of time. His initial reaction was to say no, despite a part of himself desperately wanting to say yes. But as he looked at you from out in the hall, he knew he was doomed. He just couldn’t reject you; it wasn’t in him.

“And you save this for last minute?! The mall’s going to so crowded.”

You pouted and looked down at your feet, expecting to be scolded for being such a procrastinator. Jungkook smiled at your petulant expression. “Fine. But the mall closes early on Sundays so we should go in the afternoon.”

You beamed at him, not expecting him to give in so easily. Jungkook’s heart skipped a beat seeing how happy it made you for him to agree to go.

“Okay, meet me there at 1. I’ll let you get ready for work now.” You skipped down the hall and back into Tae’s room, leaving Jungkook to get ready in an unnaturally happy mood. He wasn’t used to having a pep in his step as he got ready to work a shift, but then again, he wasn’t used to having you in his life.

Sunday came painfully slowly, which made sense because Jungkook was looking forward to it so much. He had thought about it night and day, wondering what to wear, wondering what topics you two could talk about, wondering how much time he had with you.

To be fair, he had also thought about what to get Tae for his birthday as well. It was easy to shop for the rest of the guys, they were simple. But after so many years of friendship and good presents, he just didn’t know what else to get for his best friend at this point. Maybe he’d find a good present while he was out shopping with you.

That did not happen, however.

You two had met up outside of the mall in the afternoon, but as soon as soon as you stepped inside, you quickly saw the pandemonium that awaited. Hordes of people pushed each other every which way as they sped walked to countless stores doing their last minute shopping. A thrill of fear shot through Jungkook. He very vividly remembered the day you discovered you were claustrophobic, and the anxiety you had developed because of it. He didn’t like the idea of you being here whatsoever, but before he could pitch alternative plans, you were pulling him along into the crowd, determined to find a good store.

Jungkook insisted you both stop into a video games store that he quickly spotted, not because he thought Taehyung would want something from in there, but because it would give you time to rest. He could already see the wild look in your eyes and the slight hyperventilation building up inside of you. You were trying to be brave, and he didn’t know how to tell you that you didn’t have to be.

Jungkook slipped out momentarily to get you something from the food court that might help. When he returned, you shook your head and lead him back into the chaos, but you two only made it to the end of the wing before your hands started clamming up. Jungkook noticed the signs right away and tugged you down a hallway with an exit. You burst through the doors, hunching over and taking deep breaths. You wiped your hands on your pants, struggling to breathe. Jungkook pulled out the brown paper bag he had gotten and held it out to you. He crouched down to meet your eyes, watching you as you breathed in and out carefully.

“Count for me.” You nodded and counted backwards from ten, closing your eyes as your heart rate slowly decreased. “You’re okay. Just breathe.”

Once you were calmer, you straightened up and handed Jungkook the bag. “Thanks. I’m sorry—” He held his hand up, not letting you apologize for things out of your control.

You were ashamed. You hadn’t experienced a panic attack in years, so you thought you could handle it, but clearly you were wrong. You were so grateful Jungkook knew exactly what to do, and that he was so patient. It instantly made you more comfortable, which was odd because the idea of telling anyone about our anxiety, even Tae, was ironically enough to make it flare up.

“Should we try a different place? I know some stores not too far from here that might have some cool stuff.”

You nodded, still unable to meet his eyes. And so you two set off to complete your mission for the day.

Jungkook took you to several places, watching you try and haggle down firm prices of expensive products. He hadn’t stopped chuckling since you two got together, finding everything you did absolutely charming. It was only when you two had stopped in a music store so that Jungkook could buy some new guitar picks that you finally realized what to get Tae. You’d watched him play the piano at school enough to know he should have one at home, or at least a keyboard, since you didn’t exactly have piano money at the moment.

And so Jungkook carried the instrument for you as you made your way home, still thinking about what to get for his best friend.

The idea came to him unexpectedly when he watched you try to hail a cab. You were flailing your arms wildly, even suck your leg out on the street like you’d seen in the movies. He felt so light being with you, so whole that it was scary to think himself without you.

And then the words he’d never wanted to admit came to his mind. Damn, I love this girl.

There, he said it. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. As much as he tried to pretend it wasn’t the case, he knew it to be true. Deep down inside, it was the ultimate truth he had tried so desperately to bury beneath layers of misguided hatred. He loved you, he always had, and he always would, and there was no getting rid of it.

It was then, as he felt freer than he had in years, that he realized what he had to do.

“Okay, Okay! Open the next present!” You bounced cheerfully on the rug, unable to hold back your excitement. You absolutely loved Christmas, especially Christmas with Tae. It was his favorite holiday, and subsequently it became your favorite too. His infectious holiday spirit always got to you and everyone else around him. And as you sat in his living room surrounded by all of his friends and a pile of presents, you couldn’t be happier.

Tae chuckled as he ruffled the top of your head. “Okay fine! Bring on more presents!”

You giggled and tugged on the huge box that had been expertly wrapped by yours truly. The boy’s eyes threatened to pop out of his skull. “Holy shit! This big one is for me!?” You nodded enthusiastically.

He impatiently ripped the wrapping paper away and gasped when he saw a corner of the piano exposed. “Babe, you didn’t.”

“I did!” You squealed as he tore the box open, stopping to give you a huge kiss when he saw that you did, in fact, get him a keyboard.

Jungkook looked away but smiled, knowing Taehyung would be happy to receive it as soon as you had picked it out at the music store.

Someone made a sound of disgust at the massive show of PDA, but the lovebirds simply chuckled, too wrapped up in each other to care. When Taehyung finally tore himself away from you, he placed his hands on your shoulders.

“Okay. I’m about to open my last present, and babe, I don’t want you to be offended, but Jungkook always outdoes himself and everyone else every year.”

Jungkook grinned sheepishly, feeling a bit embarrassed at the introduction. His present this year wasn’t exactly over the top. He actually wasn’t sure how Tae would react to it. But nonetheless the boy handed him the simple envelope.

Tae looked at it and then at his friend, wondering what kind of present came in such simple packaging. He didn’t waste time opening it, but when he pulled out the simple piece of paper, he grew even more confused. He looked over at Jungkook for an explanation.

Jungkook cleared his throat, feeling a bit nervous. “It’s a plane ticket to Jeju. I’m moving there once our lease is up and I want you to come visit me when I do.”

Taehyung laughed, looking in between the plane ticket in his hands and Jungkook’s worried expression. “Come on man, stop playing.”

“I’m…not joking Tae.”

Utter silence followed his statement. Hobi was the first to look away, already knowing why Jungkook had decided to do something so rash. The rest of the boys looked in between each other, wondering if Jungkook had told any of them that he was leaving. Then they all looked at Tae, registering the hurt on his face. He couldn’t believe his best friend would make such a drastic decision like that without confiding in him. He had been picking up on Jungkook drifting from him lately, but he thought it might just be in his head. This confirmed that it wasn’t.

You had been shocked too, looking at Jungkook and the hardness in his jaw. He had been decided for some time now. You looked at your boyfriend, worried about how he was going to take this news.

“You’re…leaving?” Teahyung struggled to make sense of it. Jungkook never even talked about Jeju, or wanting to leave Seoul for that matter. It had always been you two against the world, but apparently that wasn’t the case after all.

“Uh…yeah. It’s sort of a last-minute thing…” Jungkook didn’t elaborate any more, not knowing what else to say. He couldn’t exactly say he was leaving because Tae was dating his soulmate.

“Well, thanks, I guess.” Tae got up and marched upstairs without another word. You all looked after him in worry. He definitely had not taken the news well. Jungkook felt dumb for even thinking that he might. He just felt that since Tae had met you, he was plenty happy and occupied these days, and wouldn’t have minded as much that Jungkook was leaving. Boy, was he wrong.

You couldn’t help looking at Jungkook who was now avoiding your gaze. You wanted to ask him where the hell this was all coming from, but your first priority was your boyfriend, so you got up and silently went upstairs to check up on him.

Someone made a whistling sound that caused some chuckling to erupt. These guys couldn’t take anything seriously to save their lives.

The rest of the gift giving session went on smoothly, with everyone choosing to ignore Jungkook’s sudden news.

In fact, the next two weeks had gone on much of the same. No one brought it up or even asked Jungkook about it, especially not Taehyung, which was due to the fact that he was completely ignoring Jungkook.

The curly haired boy had knocked on his door plenty of times since Christmas morning to have the inevitable talk, but Taehyung would either pretend he wasn’t in his room despite the door being locked or simply turn up the music really loudly and pretend he couldn’t hear. Whenever he’d run into Jungkook around the house, he’d simply turn around and walk out of the room.

Jungkook knew he deserved as much, but it was still weighing heavily on him. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Tae, which was the whole reason he was leaving in the first place.

New Years Eve had come around faster than anyone had been prepared for. You all liked to throw huge parties around this time, but it just didn’t feel right to have one this year with all of the tension in the house. Nonetheless, the boys dressed up and invited you to come watch the ball drop on TV.

Jungkook decided to work a shift that night in order to give Tae a chance to enjoy the evening with the rest of their friends. He hated working the holidays, especially since he already killed himself working so many hours regularly. But he sucked it up and went to work anyway, serving all of the lonely people without places to be on a holiday.

A few hours into his shift, he was surprised to see Lisa stopping by. She always had somewhere to be for the holidays, always some crazy rager worthy of legendary stories.

“What are you doing here?” The boy eyed her curiously. She certainly wasn’t dressed for work.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that? When I heard you were working today, I had to come by and see for myself. Shouldn’t you be at your house throwing some crazy party I never get invited to?” The girl crossed her arms childishly.

Jungkook gave her a sheepish grin. “Sorry about that. I figured you always had somewhere to be anyway.”

“Well, you’re not wrong.” Lisa smiled as Jungkook rolled his eyes. “Come to my place when you’re done. No one should be alone tonight.” Lisa purred, her eyelids heavy as she attempted to persuade her crush to come to her party.

Jungkook thought carefully. Normally he’d decline right away, not even bothering to think of good excuses these days. But what reason did he have to keep turning her down? She was beautiful, and she wanted his company. He was single and he really didn’t have other plans. Plus, they wouldn’t be coworkers for much longer. Sure, he was in love with another woman, but that didn’t even matter when the woman he loved was unattainable.

The boy shifted on his feet, looking over his shoulder at Lisa’s expectant stare. “You’ve worn me down. Just text me your address.”

Lisa bit her lip, feeling giddy inside but trying hard to seem apathetic. “Okay, yeah. I’ll see you later.” She turned swiftly on her feet and exited the club, rushing home to prepare for a night she hadn’t known would actually come.

Jungkook chuckled. He knew Lisa well and could tell she was overly excited about this. He felt a twinge of guilt, knowing she was way more into him than he was her, but it’s not like he was asking her to be his girlfriend or anything. It was just one night. One much needed night away from Tae’s pointed stares, his friends’ loaded silence and your intoxicating presence lingering everywhere he went.

He focused on getting through the rest of his shift, and by the time he had gotten home, you were all awake playing drinking games in the kitchen. The curly haired brunette had popped his head in to greet you all and the boys cheered to see their favorite bartender was finally home, well, all except for one.

He watched as Tae finished his drink and bid everyone a good night before going upstairs for the night. You followed right behind him, but not before stopping to wish Jungkook a happy new year.

“You as well.” Jungkook smiled at you, unable to hide the sadness in his voice. You look beautiful tonight. I love you.

He watched as you, too, went upstairs and disappeared into Tae’s room. His roommates continued playing beer pong as if nothing had happened. Jungkook watched for a bit, wishing things were different. He had been secretly hoping things might magically be smoothed over by tonight, and that you all would insist on hanging out together. But it seemed he would be going over to Lisa’s anyway.

He bounded up the steps quickly, not wanting to keep his conquest for the night waiting too long. He changed into something a little more festive before he heard those three soft knocks at his door that made his heart stop.

Jungkook checked his appearance again in the mirror before taking a deep breath and opening the door for you.

You smiled tentatively up at him. He was decent this time, you were happy to find.

“Can I come in?”

The question had caught him off guard, but even so, he moved aside and let you in, closing the door behind you.

“What’s up?” Jungkook tried to sound nonchalant, but his tone of voice still went up towards the end of his question.

“Well, I kinda wanted to talk to you.” You looked around his room, taking the setting in for the first time. His room turned out to be exactly as you expected, dark paint on the walls, his guitar on display, clothes strewn all around and band posters on the walls. You smiled at him as you sat on his bed, patting the seat next to you.

Jungkook instantly grew nervous. Normally when a girl sat on his bed and beckoned him over, it was under wildly different circumstances. He gulped, his heart racing as he took hesitant steps towards the bed. He sat down next to you, wiping his hands on his thighs as you turned to him.

“Talk about what?”

“You…and Tae.” Jungkook sighed, not knowing what else to say on the matter. “He’s really broken up about this, even if he’s not showing it. I know we haven’t been friends for long… but you can talk to me. What can I say to get you to stay?” Jungkook shook his head. You were simply trying to be a good girlfriend by getting him to stay, but Jungkook was trying to be a good friend by leaving. “I mean…Tae said you never do anything drastic without talking to him first. And he told me he felt like you two had been drifting apart for a while. Did something happen?”

Jungkook balled his fists at his knees. “Yes, and no. There’s nothing to say Y/N. I’m just leaving, and it’s final. I’ve been trying to find a way to apologize to him for springing this on him at Christmas, but he won’t let me. I don’t know what else to do.”

“…You can stay.” You smiled at him, but it only served to frustrate the boy more. You just didn’t understand, and you weren’t sure why he wasn’t allowing you to understand. “Jungkook, surely there has to be some reason that—“

Suddenly his lips were on yours, urgent and unrelenting. He effectively cut your sentence off when he leaned in and kissed you unexpectedly. He hadn’t planned it, it just happened in the moment. He also couldn’t think of a better way to convey how much of a problem it would be if he chose to stay, and rightfully so, he managed to alarm you as you shoved him off of you.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU—” His lips were on yours again, but this time, you didn’t have the restraint to fight him. You kissed him back hungrily. A million emotions coursed in between you both, lust, fear, happiness and pain amongst the more prominent ones.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him onto you greedy for more. His lips were like a wildfire igniting your body, molding perfectly into yours as you gasped for air. His hands on your body were hot, too hot against the goosebumps growing on your skin.

Your fingers found their way into his hair and tugged on the strands roughly as he bit your lip. He growled into the kiss, savoring how sweet you tasted. He was going out of his mind with his senses on overload. He felt nothing but you and smelled nothing but your perfume as he leaned into you, pulling your body against his. He also saw nothing but you and him together, living happily as destiny might have it. His tongue slipped into your mouth which you readily accepted, swirling yours around his as you traded saliva.

Jungkook had imagined this moment a million times, but never under these circumstances. He was finally getting what he wanted, but not in the right way, and because of that, he broke away from you, panting as you stared into each other’s eyes for an uninterrupted minute. His gaze on you loving while yours reflected nothing but wonderment.

You weren’t sure what the hell you were doing, you hadn’t yet asked yourself that, because you couldn’t answer your initial question when he first kissed you. Why did this feel so…right?

“That’s why I have to go.”

Jungkook sighed as you stared back at him dumbfoundedly. You reached your hand up to your lips that were still tingling, unable to believe what had just happened.

Jungkook expected you to leave, he expected you to be upset, but when you hadn’t budged, he felt himself slowly losing even more control than he already had tonight. He had to get you to go, before he did something else he’d be ashamed of.

“So, if that’s all, I have somewhere to be.” He looked away, hoping you got the hint.

You were caught off guard. Jungkook was so hot and cold that it left your head spinning sometimes. Nonetheless you tried to push through and get the answers you had come looking for.

“Jungkook… you don’t have to go. At least not tonight. Stay, we can—”

“No, I do have to go. Lisa’s waiting for me, so…”

You furrowed your eyebrows, looking at the boy who had now stood up and picked up his watch from his nightstand. Was he seriously thinking of other women while implying that he had to move because he had feelings for you?

You stood up, looking at the boy’s back incredulously. “So, you expect me to believe you have feelings for me while you’re running off to go sleep with someone else?”

“Weren’t you just warming Tae’s bed before you came to my room?”

Your eyes watered at the implication of his words. How dare he insinuate…

You turned on your heel and marched out of his room, unwilling to let him see you cry. Jungkook felt awful about what he just said and did, but he had no choice. Maybe now you would stay away from him and make his last few moments here as peaceful as possible.

Jungkook finished getting ready and left shortly afterward. He spent the night in Lisa’s bed as he intended to, and almost every other night afterward for the next two weeks.

You hated him. You hated him so much you could cry again just thinking about him.

You hated his floofy hair and his dingly earrings and his carefree smile. You hated the way he scrunched his nose whenever he didn’t like something, you hated the tight shirts he always wore. You hated the way his lips were so soft but his body was so hard, you hated how he kissed you and made you feel things that were confusing.

You prided yourself on having a simple life. You went to school and graduated on time, you had a long-term relationship that was precious to you, you even found a job that you liked and friends that you loved. And then there was Jungkook, an unsightly blotch in the mural of your life. You absolutely hated him.

Which was the reason why (you convinced yourself) you were standing outside of his bar on a Tuesday evening. The kiss had now happened months ago, but you were only now able to summon the courage to confront him with all of the things you wanted to say to him.

You had been avoiding him at all costs, holing yourself up in Tae’s room or just not coming over at all. But even when you were over, his room was always empty. You surmised he was back to his fuck boy behavior. It was all the same to you, at least he wasn’t in your hair anymore.

But now, you wanted to see him. You needed him to know that his kiss meant nothing to you and that he was an asshole for insinuating you were being a slut.

You also knew that this was his last day at work because he was leaving tomorrow, so it was now or never.

You sighed as you pushed open the doors of the club. Immediately upon entering, the smell of cigarettes overwhelmed you. There were very few people here, yet the lights still strobed, and the music still blared, albeit at a more respectable volume.

Your eyes found the bar immediately along with the tall brunette chucking playing cards into a glass cup. You clutched your purse straps and marched over to him, a look of determination in your eyes.

Jungkook’s eyes flew over to you as he got prepared to take your order, but quickly realized you weren’t a customer after all. He gulped, seeing the ferociousness in your demeanor.

“Hello JUNGKOOK.”

“Uh, hi.”

“I won’t be staying long. I just came here to say that…that our,” You looked around and lowered your voice, causing Jungkook’s lips to curl, “kiss, meant nothing. It was meaningless and it should’ve never happened. And, And you’re such an asshole because—”

“I know. I’m sorry.” You were caught off guard, losing track of your speech already. “I should’ve never kissed you and I should’ve never said what I said. It was unwarranted. And of course, the kiss meant nothing.”

You huffed, not sure about how to continue. You were expecting a fight. “Well, I just want you to know that I love Taehyung with all my heart—”

“I never doubted that for a second.”

You rolled your tongue around on the inside of your cheek. “Are you going to let me be mad here for a second!?” This time Jungkook smiled involuntarily. You were even adorable when you were pissed.

You sighed heavily, throwing your hands up in the air. “Well, I guess that’s all I came here to say, so…”

“Sit down. What are you having?”

You looked at Jungkook for a second and then the stool in front of him, wondering if you should stay. “I said I wasn’t going to stay long…”

“Do you have plans?”

“No…”

“Then sit. Drink with me.” Jungkook flashed you an infectious crooked smile and you couldn’t believe yourself as you put your purse down on the counter and plopped down in front of him. There was no use in being angry at him anymore now that you were both on the same page.

Jungkook poured two shots of tequila and plucked two limes from the jar of fruit. He placed one of each in front of you and lifted his own glass in front. You clinked your shot with his and threw the alcohol into the back of your throat, feeling the warm sting as it made its way down. With panicked dexterity, you quickly chomped down on the lime to get rid of the horrid aftertaste.

Jungkook scrunched his nose and shook his head. He wasn’t sure Tequila would be his thing, but it was his last day here, may as well drink the expensive stuff.

Suddenly one shot turned into two, which turned into four, which is when you found yourself trying your hand at shooting his cards.

You were absolutely drunk since you had skipped lunch at work. Jungkook had a higher tolerance, but he still had a mean buzz. He was having the time of his life watching you react every time your car didn’t fall into the cup. You were so dramatic, and he loved it.

“You have to flick your wrist. Flick your wrist!” Jungkook was demonstrating as you continued to miss.

“It’s not working! You’re an awful teacher!”

“Are you sure you’re not an awful student?”

“Both could be true at the same time.”

“I suppose, but that statement overlooks a key detail in this scenario.”

“Which is…?

“That I’m AWESOME!” Jungkook tossed a card at the cup that epically bounced off the rim and onto the floor. “NOOOOO! That was supposed to be my moment!!”

“You’re such a failure. So embarrassing. It’s a good thing you’re leaving town, can’t show your face around here after that disgrace.”

Jungkook laughed and flashed you the finger as he bent down to pick up all the cards from the floor. You hiccupped as you spun around in your chair, easily entertaining yourself when the world started to go fuzzy. You stopped to watch him shuffle the deck, feeling content as your body buzzed with a warm tingly feeling.

“So let me ask you something…”

“Shoot.”

“Why did you kiss me?”

“Because.”

“Because why?”

Jungkook smiled down at his hands. “Because you’re my soulmate.”

You failed to stifle a laugh and so did Jungkook. He realized how ridiculous he must sound to you right now, but he figured why not throw caution to the wind. You probably wouldn’t remember anything he said to you by tomorrow.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Because I’ve been dreaming about you since I was nine.”

Your laughter was loud, too loud, drawing the attention of other people as they shot you rude looks. You snorted, unable to help yourself from laughing even more. Jungkook bit his lip, trying to stop himself from laughing too so that he could get his words out properly.

“Dreams? About me?”  Jungkook nodded, leaning against the counter to meet you eye to eye. “Prove it then.”

“How can I prove it to you?”

“Well,” You tapped your finger against your chin, humoring the boy with the brunette, “if you’ve known about me for the last 15 years, thennnn, how many siblings do I have?”

“Three sisters.”

Damn, that was a good guess. You quirked a brow. “Impressive….thennnn, what was my favorite subject at school?”

“History.”

“Hmm, not so impressive because you might’ve known what my major in college was.”

“Oh, but you didn’t let me finish. History was your favorite because you’re a total dork, but we both know English class was your true favorite because you had a big fat crush on your teacher Mr. Townsend with the dreamy eyes. What was it you liked to call him? Mr. Cutie?”

You laughed again, keeling over the counter and banging your hand on the counter repeatedly. “OH MY GOD I forgot about him!!! He was soooo cute I could die!! Holy shit Jungkook. Did you go to school with me?” You gasped, realizing you’d be a pretty awful person not to recognize Jungkook if he was an old classmate.

The boy simply smiled and shook his head, chuckling at your dazed expression. You were definitely thinking all about Mr. Cutie now. Suddenly his eyes met the approaching figure getting closer and closer. Shit.

“Okay, come on darling. You’ve had a bit too much to drink. Time to go.” The security guard put his hand on your upper back and ushered you off the stool. You stared between him and Jungkook, stumbling a bit when you landed on your feet.

“WHAT!? I’m totally fine. Jungkook tell him!”

Jungkook looked in between you both, biting his lip. You were most definitely not fine. “Just go, but wait for me outside!” You stared at the boy who had run into the back, letting the security guard gently lead you out of the club. That traitor!

Once outside, you began walking up the block hiccupping as you unlocked your phone. For some reason, you remembered that you needed to buy toothpaste. You knew you wouldn’t remember in your inebriated state, so you called yourself and left a voicemail.

“Hey Y/N, it’s you, Y/N. Get toothpaste—”

“Who the hell are you talking to?” Jungkook’s voice came up close behind you, and you panicked and put your phone down, forgetting to end the voicemail.

“No one! Hey, why aren’t you at work?”

“And miss this shit show? I wouldn’t forgive myself.” Jungkook smiled as he looked up at the starry sky. He was filled with an inexplicable peace and he didn’t know why. Was it because he was hanging out with you after months of being apart? Was it because he was buzzed, or because he was finally leaving tomorrow? Or was it because he was finally confessing to you?

You attempted to shove the boy but only managed to stumble again. Jungkook’s arms held you steady instantly, making sure you weren’t going to take a tumble out here for everyone to see. You were much too drunk to take public transport, so he decided to hail a cab instead.

Once the car pulled up to the curb, he held the door open for you as you got in and then followed your lead, giving the cab driver his address.

You turned to face him while smiling lazily. He mirrored your blissful expression, wondering what was going on in your head.

“Tell me more Mr. Wizard.”

Jungkook chuckled. “What do you want to know.”

“I want to know more reasons why you think a girl like me would be your soulmate.”

“I don’t think, I know.” Jungkook paused, wanting to give you a thoughtful answer, even if you were absolutely drunk. “Sometimes I think I know you better than I know myself. I look at you and the life you’ve lived, the things you’ve done for others and the things people should’ve done for you. You make me want to be a better person. The kind of person that would make sure you’d never hurt again.”

Jungkook smiled at you, but you could only look at him pensively. “And…you know all of this because of…your dreams?”

He nodded, his hair and earrings bouncing to and fro. “I think it was the universe’s way of answering a question I had when I was young.”

“Which was?”

“How to know when you’re in love.” Jungkook leaned back against the headrest, looking at you with sadness in his eyes. You leaned in closer to him without realizing, staring into his huge eyes full of so many secrets.

“For someone who’s never even taken a girl out on a date before, you seem awfully sure about this.” The boy smiled, licking his lips as he closed his eyes.

“Gimme a break! It’s not like I didn’t try. That day you came to Seoul with your class, I had been looking forward to it all week. I was so frustrated because I didn’t know where you would be, but I showed up anyway and looked for you, even bought you flowers.” He shook his head at the memory, feeling dumb for teenage Jungkook: the helpless romantic. “Guess I just didn’t want to deal with that disappointment again.”

You looked at Jungkook as the streetlights illuminated his face in iridescence. He looked so sad, and you couldn’t make sense of the words he was saying, but you felt he was speaking to you from the heart. You licked your own lips, only inches away from his face.

His eyes watched you carefully the closer you got. His mouth parted as your nose brushed against his and suddenly, he was whispering against your lips, “Y/N, you should stop. If you continue, I don’t think I’ll have the strength to stop myself this time.”

You swallowed involuntarily, the edges of your lips brushing against his pillowy ones. He was absolutely right, and you were grateful that one of you had the sense to say what needed to be said.

You looked up into his blown-out pupils and imagined what might happened if you simply pressed your lips into his. You saw him taking hold of your face and pressing you against the backseat, curling your leg around his waist as he stuck his tongue into your waiting mouth. You saw yourself loving every bit of the way his hands would grope you, his mouth whispering dirty things against your skin. You’d love it a little too much, but maybe not in the morning when you’d realize what you’d done. So you inched away from him and took a deep clearing breath. Jungkook did the same, looking out of his window for the remainder of the ride home while reminding himself that he was leaving tomorrow, over and over again.

Jungkook hadn’t seen his room this empty in years.

When he first moved into the house, he didn’t have much money to his name, content with sleeping on a tiny air mattress set up in the corner with a lamp and a laptop, both of which were also on the floor. He struggled to remember that overused quote while reminiscing. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

He had already shipped out his belongings prior, even sent you a special package that he should’ve gotten rid of ages ago. His empty room served as a good parallel for how he felt. He was starting anew and felt a little empty inside as he cut off important ties, but the prospect of starting over was all he could put his faith in now.

And now all that was left to take was his packed-up guitar and a duffle bag that sat neatly out of the way as he took a picture to look back on later.

He was wracked with melancholy at his final moments in this house and in his favorite city. He did want to leave and start anew somewhere else, if only for his own peace of mind, but not being able to make things right with his best friend before leaving tainted everything. He never wanted to leave like this.

A few knocks at doorway had Jungkook quickly turning around. Hobi stood at the entrance holding the excited pitbull in his arms. He placed the scrappy dog on its feet and off it went, bounding excitedly into Jungkook’s awaiting arms. His heart hurt as he scratched the backs of its ears. This would be one of the things he missed doing the most.

“So, you’re leaving soon, yeah?”

Jungkook nodded, standing up as Hobi approached him. The redhead took him in for an embrace, patting his back momentarily.

“For the record, I think you’re doing the right thing man.” Jungkook nodded again, trying to make himself believe the words too.

“Hey.” A soft greeting from the doorway startled both Hobi and Jungkook. He knew Tae was home, but he hadn’t expected him to stop by, not with the way he persisted on being mad at him for so long.

“Hey.” Jungkook’s voice was horse. Hobi gave the younger boy a reassuring smile before leaving and giving them some privacy. Tae regarded him warily as he leaned against the door frame, trying to decide if he should enter, and ultimately deciding to do so.

“So, today’s the day huh?”

“Flight leaves in an hour.”

Tae nodded, looking around at the vast empty space. It hurt him to see it so empty for the first time in a long time.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this.” Tae sighed and stuck his hands in his pockets, struggling to meet Jungkook’s eyes.

“I know. It’s just something I have to do.”

Tae nodded, even though he didn’t agree, or understand for that matter. He sniffed, frowning as he made a last-minute decision to blow up on Jungkook after all.

“Fuck you, that’s such bullshit! You never wanted to leave Seoul. And all of a sudden, it’s a done deal. You didn’t even talk to me about it! And you talk to me about everything! What the fuck happened to us? What, I get a girlfriend and all of a sudden I’m not a good enough friend to you?! What the fuck is even waiting for you at Jeju?? Do you even know anyone there?! I’m your best friend and I don’t even know your new address!”

Jungkook winced as Tae’s voice only got higher the longer he went on, but he stood and took the scolding, knowing he deserved every bit of it.

“I’m sorr—”

“And then you have the nerve to tell me on Christmas, as if I’m supposed to be happy that you’re leaving, as if that was supposed to be a gift to me. That was fucked up!”

“I know, I’m sorr—”

“And you didn’t even take the trash out last Thursday even though it was your chore day. GOD YOU’RE UNBELIEVABLE!”

Taehyung huffed, running out of things to complain about. Jungkook’s mouth twitched, wanting so badly not to fuck himself over by laughing at Tae right now. Though, he couldn’t help but notice how similar you and Tae were when you were angry. The ridiculous image of you two fighting was distracting to say the least.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I know you’re sorry, still doesn’t make this any less shittier.”

“I know.”

“GOD, STOP SAYING YOU KNOW!” Tae slumped down the wall until his butt hit the floor. Jungkook hesitated before going over to sit by him. They both sat in silence for a while, feeling a flurry of emotions. After a while, Jungkook smiled and pointed at a chip in the door frame.

“Remember when Yoongi got so drunk that we had to put him into the shower, but he held onto my door frame so hard while we were dragging him out that he broke it a little?”

Taehyung looked over at the indent and smiled, his shoulders shaking in silent laughter. He nodded, remembering the hectic night. The boys had all been scared of Yoongi after that, knowing he could easily knock them out with that strength of his if they ever pissed him off enough. Tae’s eyes wandered along the room, catching the distinct black mark where the bed used to be.

“Remember when you were really into hookah for a while and that sorority girl you brought over that one time dropped the coal on the floor and didn’t tell you?”

Jungkook laughed, nodding as he remembered how furious he was when he saw the damaged that she had tried to cover up poorly.

“Oh god, remember her weird sister? What was her name again?”

“Floosy Susan?”

“FLOOSY SUSAN! How could I forget! What do you think she’s up to nowadays?”

“Still fisting forties and picking up bikers probably.” Taehyung shivered, remembering the very aggressive way she cornered him in the bathroom once.

Jungkook wiggled his eyebrows at him, recalling the story she had told everyone about what happened that night which turned out not to be true at all. Taehyung chuckled and pushed Jungkook over.

“Man, we used to have so much fun. What happened?”

“I don’t know. Life, I guess. You got castrated and I picked up more hours at work.”

“Fuck you.” Tae chuckled some more, running his fingers through his hair. It was silent for a while as he chose his next few words carefully. “Are you leaving because of me? If it’s something I did—”

“No. It’s not you.” Jungkook sighed, looking at his friend with torture in his eyes. “Tae I— I’m…in love with Y/N.” Taehyung’s eyebrows shot up as he searched Jungkook’s face for any ounce of joking. “I have been for a long time, even before you met her. I thought I could deal with it, but it’s been too hard. So I figured it’d be better if I just removed myself from the equation and started new somewhere else, at least for a while.”

More silence ensued as Taehyung processed what Jungkook was telling him. He was angry at first, his baser instinct telling him to accuse Jungkook of being a shitty friend, which he knew was unreasonable. Then he was sad, realizing how much this made sense when he thought about the last couple months.

“Fuck man…I don’t know what to say. Since before I met her?”

Jungkook nodded, leaning his head on the wall as he silently cursed his own bad luck that Tae had gotten to you first.

“It doesn’t matter how, or when, really. Because I see how good you two are together. I don’t want to ruin that. But it’s too hard for me to stay and…watch her build a life with someone that’s not me.” Jungkook sighed and turned to his friend. “I’m sorry, this must feel really shitty to hear.”

Taehyung shook his head. He was at a loss for words. Out of all the reasons he had conjured up to explain their decline in friendship, this had never crossed his mind.

“Shit, I’m sorry I made you play wingman, practically forced you to spend time together when you didn’t want to.” Tae threw his head back into the wall and squeezed his eyes shut, feeling like an idiot.

“Eh, you didn’t exactly force me. You know I’ll always be your wingman no matter what.” Jungkook held up his fist for Taehyung to bump. His friend smiled weakly before touching his knuckles to Jungkook’s.

Suddenly the blonde sighed, looking at Jungkook with a serious expression. “Do you…want me to step aside?”

Jungkook froze, unable to believe the words that had just come out of Taehyung’s mouth. “Of course, I don’t want you to do that. What the fuck kind of question is that!? You guys are madly in love.”

“Oh thank god. I really did not want to.”

The boys busted out laughing, holding their sides and rolling over on the floor in tears.

“You’re such a piece of shit.” Jungkook could barely get his insult out in between laughs.

Suddenly Jungkook’s phone buzzed, signaling his Uber approaching the house.

“Ah, my ride’s here.” Jungkook stood up and looped his guitar strap over his shoulder. He realized Tae hadn’t heard him, since the boy had stepped out to take a phone call, so he quietly made his way down the stairs after giving his dog a goodbye scratch. He hated elaborate goodbyes anyway. And besides, he knew Tae would definitely use the plane ticket the first chance he got free time off of school and work.

“Hey babe!” Your sing-song voice rang through Taehyung’s receiver, putting a big smile on the boy’s face.

“Hey you. Are you coming over?”

“Yep! I’m about to leave my house right now. Did we need anything else? I already got the noodles and the hoisin.”

“Nah, we should be fine. Just hurry up and get here already, I miss you.”

You smiled cheesily, looking down at your feet as you walked up to your mailbox. You nodded, and realized he couldn’t see you, so you chirped an okay before hanging up.

You had slept all day recovering from your hang over. You couldn’t believe you had gone to Jungkook’s club to argue with him but ended up getting waste instead. You were happy that you were no longer on bad terms with him though, so you supposed it was a good idea in the end. Of course, you didn’t remember much after the first two shots, so you hoped that you didn’t embarrass yourself too much. You wondered if Jungkook would still be home or if he would’ve left already. You were hoping to catch him so you could say a proper goodbye. It would be embarrassing if the last time he saw you was you drunk off your ass.

As you opened up your mailbox, a package addressed to you fell out. You bent down to pick it up, unable to recall if you ordered anything recently. You quickly tore the envelope open and pulled out what looked to be a sketch pad.

You furrowed your eyebrows, double checking the name on the package. It was definitely for you. Hmm.

You began flipping through it. Countless images of a girl of all different ages flashed in between your hands. Upon looking closer, they all seemed to be of you. You recalled the buns, and the uniform, and the sunhat, even the pajamas you had worn for years before they were ripped in too many places.

You gasped, looking over your shoulder. Were you being stalked? This was so creepy you didn’t even know where to begin. You couldn’t tell who sent the package. You were hoping this was a surprise from Tae, so you pulled your phone out to call him back, but a small red bubble signaled that you had an unheard voicemail and it caught your attention.  You didn’t remember missing anyone’s phone call.

Ah, it’s from yourself! You furrowed your eyebrows and hit play, holding your phone up to your ear to see what drunk Y/N might have to say at a time like this.

But the longer you listened, the more you began to understand. Your eyebrows shot up as you dropped your grocery bags onto the pavement, listening to Jungkook spill his heart out to you. Your eyes watered, hearing the longing in his voice. And the things he was saying… your knees threatened to buckle underneath your own weight. You opened the book again, looking at the dates on the corners of the pages. Some drawings were vivid enough to make you recall memories you had long forgotten about. The message ended, so you hit replay, again, and then again.

Suddenly you were quickly scrolling through your apps to call for a ride, praying you would make it to Jungkook in time.

Jungkook spent the 40-minute ride from his old house to Incheon listening to music and thinking about you and his dog. He wondered if he might start dreaming about you again, hoping and praying that he wouldn’t, since it would be counterproductive to him leaving. He needed a clean break.

He also hoped Tae would take his advice about what pet food to buy. Tae had a tendency of spoiling his dog with terrible food choices.

As he exited the vehicle and secured his belongings, he thanked his driver for the ride and headed into the airport that awaited to take him to an island he’d never been to before. He tried to picture himself there already, wondering if he’d fit in well enough and if he’d make any friends right away.

“Jungkook!”

The boy stopped walking and yanked his headphones off of his ears, wondering if he had imagined someone calling his name.

“Jungkook!”

He turned around, only to find you right behind him. His eyes grew wide as he wondered what you were doing here.

“You… you dream about me. No, you’ve been dreaming about me, for a long time. Why didn’t you—”

“Why didn’t I say anything?” Jungkook huffed, looking around incredulously. “C’mon Y/N. Why would I?”

“Jungkook…”

“Save me the pity party. I didn’t tell you all of that so you’d feel bad.”

“No, stop! This isn’t that. You’re just…you’re just leaving! You believe I’m your soulmate, but you won’t even fight for me. God, you make me so mad!” Your eyes grew misty as you balled your fist at your sides.

“Yeah, I know it in my heart that you are, no, in my bones, in my very being. In all that I am, it all just comes down to you. Hell, soulmate might not even cover it Y/N.” Jungkook’s eyes began to water as well and you looked away, a few tears spilling when you blinked. “But Taehyung is just as important to me, if not more. He’s my soulmate too, and I choose him. You should too.”

You wiped at your cheeks hastily, breathing shallowly as you tried not to sob here in the airport in front of all these people. You nodded, trying to put a smile on your face. Of course you’d choose Tae, so why did it feel as though your heart was breaking in two?

Jungkook watched as your face began to break. He crossed the distance in between you, placing his hand behind your head, bringing you into his chest. You let out a few sobs as you clutched onto his shirt. Your entire frame began to shake, so he put his luggage down to hold you in his arms properly. He kissed the top of your head as he tried to focus on not crying too. He knew he wouldn’t be able to leave if he stayed here with you any longer, so he backed away and gave you a weak smile before turning around and blending into the crowd of people heading in to check in.

You cover your face with your hands, willing yourself to stop crying so hard. When you could no longer see the top of Jungkook’s head, you wiped your nose and left just as you came.

[phantomato]

What are your thoughts on Voldemort’s horcrux creation? Do you see that as a form of self-harm? (I know you have a fic with V and Orion where there’s some discussion around his self-harm, but it had a tw agains verbal humiliation so I didn’t read it 😓)

Ah, yeah, Galleons is tough! It’s a smart choice to stay away from that one if degradation is a squick for you; Orion is quite mean to V. It has some fun ideas about horcruxes, but it’s a rough ride. If I recommend any of my fics for a look at the horcrux experience, it’s Lay Down the Quilt or Busy Seeing Red. Though, I must admit, horcruxes are not my favorite inspiration—prepare for reading into implications.

I do see horcruxes as a form of self-harm. For me, they represent an attempt to pull off parts of himself, to discard things like his hopes for his father (ring) or mother (locket) or childhood excitement for the wizarding world (diary) or any attempts to live a normal life in that world (cup)—you get the idea. I don’t think it works, of course. I think it’s more symbolic than anything, a set of emotions imbued through soul magic into an object, but those memories/feelings are not totally removed from his system. That’s the self-harm bit. He feels like it’s doing something, so he keeps chasing that relief, the moment of tearing oneself apart and the temporary emptiness or pain that follows.

It also helps me deal with the huge gaps in his horcrux creation history. Two in his mid-late teens, under the stress of discovering his heritage (what a disappointment) and realizing that he has no glorious future in the wizarding world. About ten years of work without one, because he has something getting him out of bed in the morning (and in my stories, usually a friend or romance to keep his focus). As that phase of his life begins to fall apart, he fixates on the founders’ items that Hepzibah Smith happens to have, and oh, look, another self-destructive pattern of murder and horcrux creation. One more during a decade of travel abroad, which is, again, not much—perhaps he finds the diadem at a low point, after months or more of fruitless searching, but the travels are otherwise productive. And then none at all during the first war because, well, he’s got productive (not nice, but productive) things to occupy his time and keep his self-hatred at bay. I see the final year leading up to Halloween ‘81 as a spiral into anxiety, so there’s Harry, and Nagini in the second war—well, that‘s the second war.

Disclaimer that the dates for all horcruxes are variously debated, and I don’t care about that debate at all, these are the assumptions I use.

I don’t particularly enjoy writing the idea that horcruxes make someone mad. It is a time-honored tradition, a totally fair choice, but I don’t like to imagine Voldemort as insane at any point. It bores me. It’s far more fun for me to imagine that he has his faculties when he’s making decisions about his wars. So the horcruxes become an expression of his mental unwellness at the particular times that they were created, rather than breadcrumbs leaving a trail from ‘fully sane and rational Boy Riddle’ to ‘the nutcake that is Lord Voldemort.’ If we take those times in his life as moments of extreme emotional vulnerability, they form a really fascinating portrait of a man who struggles with self-hatred throughout his life, who might throw it off and have periods of contentment but who is never miraculously healed from the base condition of himself as someone who was primed by two societies to not see his own inherent value. It’s tragic, and so I love it. I want to imagine the various ways he struggles and I want to imagine the ways he might be able to build a lasting sense of peace.

[closetfascination]

Wake Up- Chapter 10- The Darkness Defines Where the Light Is

"Aww, that is pretty nice of him, you have to admit."

Ani pried the lid off her plastic container, removed a cookie and took a bite. Her eyes closed as if in bliss as she tasted the cookie. "They are so good. You simply must have one!"

Jessica rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, I guess," she admitted reluctantly, opening her own container, extracting her own cookie and begrudgingly taking a bite. The buttery, sweet vanilla with a hint of almond hit her taste buds, and she hated to admit it, but it was one of the best sugar cookies she ever tasted. She didn't want to like it, but she did.

"Why do you hate Charlie so much?" Ani asked, taking another bite of her cookie.

"I don't... hate him. I just don't trust him. I mean, he was hanging out with Monty until recently."

"And you're going to hold that against him forever? He helped Tyler and continues to support him. I think his actions speak louder than words."

Aside from Alex, whom she seemed to forgive more easily than anyone else, Jessica was the queen of grudges. And even with those she kept close, there were still some things she struggled to let go of. Jessica sighed.

"I don't know. I'm kind of done with boys in general right now. I mean, totally fine if you and Clay—"

"We are not. I mean, we kissed at Thanksgiving, but he needs to focus on his mental health. I told him we are probably better off as friends, and he agreed, although the drugs they have him on make him more agreeable than normal, so it is hard to say."

"Was it hard to see him?"

"Yes, and no. I mean, I sort of knew he wasn't entirely well, although I wasn't sure how unwell,"—Ani took a bite of her cookie, chewed and swallowed—"I didn't know he saw things that aren't there. I'm glad he is getting help."

Jessica collapsed dramatically on her bed.

"Argh, I wish I could feel that way about Justin. I, like, I know we need to be apart for both of our sakes, but I can't help but think that maybe we could have figured something out, like—supported each other?"

Ani raised her eyebrows, and Jessica could see the scepticism.

"While that's a nice thought—"

"I know. I know." Jessica moaned, twirling her hair repeatedly around her finger. "That's why you can't leave me. With Alex going, and the breakup, I realised I don't really have many friends. You can't abandon me halfway through senior year."

"Well, my mother is moving back to Oakland—"

"You could move in here. My mom and brothers leave the day after tomorrow for Seattle, but my dad doesn't get transferred for another six months. I'm sure my dad would be OK with it," Jessica interrupted.

"And I'm sure my mother would not," Ani said, as if it was a matter of fact and the truth was, her mom was strict.

"You won't know until you ask?" Jessica suggested hopefully.

"I think I do..."

"My dad thinks you are a good influence on me," Jess insisted.

Ani laughed.

"I'm touched, even though it's misguided."

"Come on, what would I do without you?"

Ani raised her eyebrows and her eyes widened.

"You mean, not strip naked at football games and go to sex shops?"

"I need you," Jessica begged. "Please, what's the harm is asking?"

"Fine, I'll try to convince her I won't be the centre of Liberty's next crime scandal, seeing as I was already part of this one..."

"Maybe leave out the part about the crime scandal."

"Noted," Ani flashed her big smile and laughed.

"Look, I'll talk to my dad, have her over to dinner tomorrow, and the Colonel will make sure your mom feels comfortable with you living here."

"The Colonel? Since when do you call your dad the Colonel?"

"Shut up!" Jessica threw a pillow at Ani; her laughter filled the room again, and she hoped that one of her few remaining friends would be able to stay and finish high school with her.

Read the rest on AO3.

[smkkbert]

Time for a story - Change of heart

“Addie, if you don’t let me put on your jacket, we can’t go.”

Addie kicked her legs onto the floor and hit her little fists against the hardwood panels too. She released another loud whine that turned into a high-pitched scream. The sound left an unpleasant ringing in Oliver’s ears and made him sigh deeply.

“Addie, Sweetie, we won’t go without your jacket being put on.”

Addie seemed like she wanted to say something, but she had cried herself into a frenzy that she appeared to have troubles getting out now. She released some incoherent, incomprehensible syllables that were mostly drowned in new sobs. Oliver could hear that she had trouble breathing, but he knew that going over and rubbing her back or even just talking to her wouldn’t help her.

With a low sigh, Oliver sat down at the bottom of the stairs and shot a look outside. William, Emmy, Tommy and Millie were already sitting in the car, ready to go to Connor’s birthday party. Only Addie wasn’t ready.

Felicity closed the door to the backseats where she had just buckled Millie’s seatbelt and shot a look in his direction. Frowning, she shot a meaningful glance at her watch before she looked back at him once more. Oliver shrugged his shoulders as he had no idea what to do.

“Addie, everyone has gotten ready,” Oliver said. “It’s just you and me now.”

When Addie didn’t reply, Oliver looked back at Felicity once more to see her approaching him already. With a brief nod of her head, she wordlessly asked what was going on.

“Addie doesn’t want to get into her jacket,” Oliver said and added in a whisper, “probably tired.”

Pursing her lips, Felicity looked at their youngest daughter. Her sobs had gotten a lot quieter. All the crying and screaming had probably just made her so tired that she was about to fall asleep right there. She hadn’t napped for very long today, so Oliver guessed she was catching up on that now.

“Addie, what if mommy helps you to put on your jacket?”

Addie made an indistinct sound and turned her head, so her face was directed towards the floor. Her legs still kicked against the floor slightly, but most of the energy had drained.

“Okay, just take the kids and go ahead,” Felicity suggested, holding out the keys to Oliver. “I will put her to bed for another hour and I will follow later.”

Oliver shot another look at Addie. With the way she was behaving right now, there was no way they could take her to Connor’s birthday. He didn’t just want to leave their little girl to Felicity, but Oliver knew that Addie usually reacted a little bit better to Felicity if she was like this.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

Felicity nodded her head. “Of course. It’s fine. Just go before the rest of the kids starts throwing a temper tantrum too.”

Oliver chuckled and got up as he didn’t have to be told twice. Snatching the keys from her fingers, he bent down and brushed his lips against Felicity’s in a gentle kiss.

“Call me if something happens.”

Felicity rolled her eyes. “Nothing’s gonna happen.”

“Probably,” Oliver agreed, “but if it does, you will call me.”

“Yes.”

Smiling, Oliver brushed his lips against Felicity’s in another kiss. When the humping of the car pulled them apart, Oliver squeezed Felicity’s fingers and hurried to where the others were waiting. William had already climbed forward onto the passenger seat, probably noticing that Felicity wouldn’t make it with the way Addie was acting.

“What about Felicity and Addie?” he asked the moment Oliver sat down in the driver’s seat and switched on the engine. “Aren’t they coming?”

“They are following. Addie needs a little more sleep.”

“Addie no sleep much nap.”

Oliver shot Millie a glance in the rearview mirror and smiled. “You are absolutely right, Millie. Addie didn’t sleep much during naptime. She is catching up on that now, so she can come to Connor’s birthday party and eat some cake.”

“I want cake too!” Tommy said immediately. “Lots of cake.”

“Oh, we are going to eat all the cake.”

“But one slice for mommy,” Tommy hurried to say. “And one for Addie.”

That’s really nice of you to remember to leave some of it to them,” Oliver replied, directing the car out of the driveway and towards the street. “Now, what music are we going to listen to during our drive to Uncle John and Aunt Lyla?”

“Disney!” Emmy and Millie called out in chorus.

“No!” William groaned. “Not the Disney playlist again.”

“Well, Emmy and Millie were first. They get to decide.”

Oliver switched on the music, letting all kind of Disney soundtrack echo through the car. It was the playlist they heard most often in this car as the kids, at least the ones under ten years, were addicted to the soundtracks recently. Emmy and Millie sang alone though Millie barely guessed a word right. Tommy nodded his head in time to the music, looking outside. William did his best to hide it, but Oliver was sure that he could see his oldest son mouthing some of the lyrics too.

When they arrived at the Diggles’, William took the hands of Emmy and Tommy. Oliver carried Millie upstairs to the apartment. As soon as the door was opened and the giant Minion-cake was visible, Emmy and Tommy ran into the apartment though and Millie struggled out of Oliver’s arms until she could follow her siblings.

“I am happy to see you too, Guys,” John called after them with a chuckle before he turned back to William and Oliver. “Glad to see you. Come in.”

“Hey,” William said. “Where’s the birthday boy?”

“He’s taking a nap.” John chuckled, shaking his head. “I guess his birthday was a little bit too exciting for him.”

“Sounds like Addie,” Oliver replied. “She needed another nap too. Felicity stayed home with her.”

“Oh, so she’s not coming?”

“Later. Once Addie has rested, they will follow.”

“Great.”

When Oliver and William stepped into the apartment, Donna immediately beckoned for William to come over to her and Quentin. William shot another brief look back at Oliver before he left to talk to his grandmother.

“I will make sure our kids get some cake,” John said, nodding over to where Sara was trying to cut the cake. “Beer’s in the fridge, or are you still abstinent?”

“I am.” Oliver sighed. “Though a beer sounds really good right now.”

He went over to the fridge, and his gaze fell onto the bottles of beer that were stored in the door. He missed beer if he was being honest, but he knew Dr. Rosario thought it was better for him to stay abstinent.

If it was up to her, he’d stay away from everything he could possibly be or get addicted too. Alcohol, adrenaline and sex were all things she thought he should stay away from for a while until his mental state was more stable than it was right now. Oliver was staying away from the first as the second was hard to stay away from without losing a part of himself and the last was impossible to stay away from as long as he was this happily married to Felicity.

With a sigh, Oliver grabbed a can of coke. He let the door of the fridge fall shut and stepped behind the kitchen island. From there, he had a good view over the living room and everyone who was here. Except from the team, Quentin and Donna as well as John’s and Lyla’s parents were here.

Those were all familiar faces, so Oliver couldn’t say that he was feeling unwell because there were too many strangers in the room. He guessed he was just feeling a little less well than he should because Felicity wasn’t here. Without her anywhere near, he was always feeling a little bit unwell.

Oliver sighed. It should be impossible to love someone as much as he loved Felicity, but he couldn’t help it. His wellbeing was mostly dependent on her. If she was close, he was always feeling better. If she wasn’t there, he was always feeling like a part of him was missing. It unsettled him, and it almost kind of annoyed him.

With another deep sigh, Oliver turned around and leaned back against the kitchen counter. He took a few sips of the coke and shook his head. He should probably think less about Felicity since it only reminded him more of how much he missed her.

“Everything alright?”

Surprised, Oliver perked up his eyebrows. Tommy chuckled at the expression on his friend’s face and leaned against the counter next to him. Oliver just shook his head about himself and sighed once more.

“I guess that means no,” Tommy replied with a smile, “and I guess it’s Felicity’s absence that makes you sigh like you are carrying the burden of the world on your shoulders.”

Oliver swallowed down another sigh that was about to fall from his lips. Grinning, he lowered his head and shuffled his feet. He was certain that it was written all over everything he did how much he loved Felicity. For someone as close to him as Tommy, there couldn’t be anything easier than detecting how much Oliver really loved Felicity. He doubted that anyone could see more than the surface of how much he really loved her though.

His love for Felicity was indescribable and unfathomable. From the moment he had fallen in love with her and had allowed himself to let that love into his heart, his entire world had changed. He had changed into a better and more content man. He had found his peace in being with her.

“If you ever love someone as much as I love Felicity,” Oliver said, “you will understand.”

Oliver smiled to himself. He doubted that many people were that lucky to find someone they loved as much as he loved Felicity. A love like that was extraordinary, a once-in-a-lifetime-love, that only few were lucky enough to experience. People who had never experienced a love like that would never understand.

Before Felicity, he had never been able to picture himself living with someone. When he had been with Laurel, the thought of honest, faithful commitment had scared him. The moment she had suggested moving in together, he had seen her vision of a life together in her eyes – moving in together, engagement, marriage, a mansion like his parents’ and kids – and he had run off.

Every woman that had followed after that had just been supposed to prove to himself that he could be better than that. He had fallen for Shado, thinking her balance and softness could heal him. He had started something with Helena because he had thought that, if he saved her, there was still hope for him. He had started a relationship with McKenna, hoping the normality of her world could help him balance the craziness of his. And with Isabel…

Okay, Oliver had to admit that Isabel had been the result of a lapse n his brain or whatever to call it. The moment she had urged him into his hotel room and taken off his clothes, he had known that it was wrong. Maybe he had just been horny. Maybe he had just wanted to screw up what he had started to feel for Felicity because he had thought that she was unreachable for him. God, those had been dark times.

Sometime he thought back to the conversation he had had with Sara in that hotel room. They had talked about finding a place and moving in together. Oliver knew now that he hadn’t really been ready back then. He had just thought that Sara had been his only chance at filling the aching loneliness he had filled his heart back then. She had gone through the same trauma he had. He hadn’t loved her. He had just seen himself mirrored in her.

Only with Felicity he had ever wanted to commit himself to a relationship. From the moment they had gotten together, he had wanted her near him 24/7. It had only taken a couple of weeks for him to finally see the temptation in moving in together, getting married and having babies. He had wanted it all, and he hadn’t wanted to wait.

That was how much Felicity had changed him and his values. His love for her had caused a change of heart. Nothing he had thought or felt before her had been relevant after she had gained a real spot in his life and his heart.

Maybe a deep experience with pain like the one he had gone through was making you appreciate love all the more. Oliver doubted that it was the only reason why his love for Felicity was as deep as it was. He couldn’t deny that it did play a part in that though.

“I think I already do.”

Oliver frowned, turning his head to look at his friend. Tommy had his had turned back over his shoulder. Oliver followed Tommy’s gaze to where Laurel was kneeling on the floor in front of Millie, listening to the story her goddaughter was telling her between bites of cake. She was laughing and putting a lot of effort into her facial expressions, they way everyone always did when they were talking to little kids.

It took Oliver a moment to remember what he had last thought. When he did, he frowned slightly before he looked back at Tommy.

“You are feeling that way for Laurel?”

Tommy chuckled. “Don’t sound so surprised.”

Oliver already took in a breath to reply, but after a moment of faltering he just chuckled and shook his head. He took some sips of his coke.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to sound so surprised,” he said eventually. “It’s just that, the way you just said it, it sounded very serious. I didn’t know it was so serious between you two.”

“I didn’t know it either.”

Tommy’s words sounded serious, and Oliver could almost see the surprise on his friend’s face. He frowned slightly, waiting for him to continue talking.

“I mean I knew that I loved Laurel,” Tommy said eventually. “I have known it for years. Even when you two were still together, I had a thing for her. Only after we thought you had died, I allowed myself to let it in though.”

Oliver nodded his head slightly. Tommy and Laurel had always been the better couple, and he wished that his experience on the island and his need to make things right hadn’t caused him to urge himself in between the both of them. Maybe if he had been honest with himself from the start and had admitted to himself that the only reason why he had been so attached to Laurel had been his guilt over taking Sara on that trip with him and his need to know that he could be better, everything would have been different. Maybe Tommy and Laurel would have been happy together, and Tommy had never had to go through what his father had put him through.

“After I got back from that terrible life my father forced me to live, I knew I still loved her. It took a while until I was able to give it another try. Once I did, I know there was no way back. I love Laurel more than I ever loved anyone or anything. She makes me happy. She makes me feel safe. She makes me feel at home. She makes me feel a thousand things I haven’t felt since my mother died. I want to make our relationship as real and as committed as possible. I just don’t know.”

“Sounds like the kind of love not too many of us experience,” Oliver said and followed Lyla’s movements to the door after the bell had just been rung. “You’re one of the lucky ones.”

The moment Lyla opened the door and Oliver could see Felicity in front of the door, he felt the little bit of tension that had gathered in his muscles fading. There was no restlessness left in him. Now that Felicity was here and now that his entire family was here, he was feeling whole again.

Felicity’s eyes found his soon. She smiled at him for a moment, but she was soon distracted as Addie was calling for her attention. She pointed at the cake with a finger. Oliver couldn’t hear what Felicity was saying, but he guessed she was making sure that Addie was getting some of it.

Oliver looked at Tommy. This time, he didn’t have to follow his gaze to know that he was watching Laurel once more. He knew the expression in Tommy’s eyes, the quiet longing for the person you loved the most.

“Word of advice?”

Tommy looked at him, shrugging his shoulders. “Okay.”

“When I realized that I found the person I loved more than I thought it was possible to love someone,” Oliver said and quickly drank the last of his Coke can, “I put a ring on it.”

He trashed it by throwing it into the garbage can at the other end of the kitchen unerringly and walked past Tommy, clapping his hand on his friend’s shoulder.

His eyes were focused on where Felicity was feeding Addie the slice of cake when he approached the two of them. As soon as they were in reach, he wrapped his arms around both of them. He kissed Addie’s cheek and Felicity’s lips, feeling her smile against his.

“You are a lot earlier than I thought you’d come.”

“Well, our little girl here didn’t want to lie down for another nap, did you?” Felicity asked Addie and bobbed her up and down on her hip a little.

Addie squealed and shook her head. “No sleep.”

“The moment I wanted to lay her down, she was suddenly wide awake and told me it was okay if she had to put on the jacket,” Felicity said, rolling her eyes slightly. She just needed the extra attention I guess.”

Oliver chuckled and brushed his fingers through Addie’s light blond hair. She had always had her own head, and Oliver couldn’t love her more for it.

“Where’s the birthday boy?” Felicity asked eventually, looking around. “I haven’t seen him yet.”

“Nobody has,” Oliver replied. He is taking another nap.”

Felicity chuckled. “Seems like an interesting start for this week.”

Oliver grinned. This one week in March was always called their special week. Today it started with Connor’s second birthday. Tomorrow was Addie’s second birthday. The day after that, he and Felicity celebrated their ninth wedding anniversary. At last, Millie was celebrating her third birthday. It was an eventful week.

Two years ago, he and Felicity had stood in the hospital room to visit Lyla and her newborn son. Only a couple of hours later, Felicity had woken him up to tell him that her waters had broken way too early. For days, they had spent every second in the hospital to be with their little fight of a newborn girl. They had even celebrated Millie’s first birthday in the hospital to make sure that Addie wouldn’t be alone for even an hour.

Oliver shook his head, moving his hand through his hair. It had been a crazy few days, and he would never forget the relief he had felt when Felicity and Addie had finally been able to come home. He had been scared because Addie had been so tiny, even tinier than her siblings, but he had also been very excited.

When Oliver turned back to Felicity, about to say something about how they were already together for ten years now, he noticed the little crease between her eyebrows. It made him frown too immediately.

“What did you tell Tommy?” she asked without the need for him to ask. “He looks like he just had an epiphany.”

Oliver followed her gaze to Tommy. He was still watching Laurel. The expression on his face was different than it had been before though. It didn’t just show love anymore. It showed that he was thinking thoroughly about something, probably those last words Oliver had said to him.

The thought made him smile because he remembered how he had lain awake for two nights, wondering if he should really propose. He had known that he has wanted to propose. He just hadn’t been sure if he could expect Felicity to live with all the crap in his life. Once he had made his choice, nothing could have stopped him though.

“I think I just told him a way for his entire life to chance,” Oliver said. His eyes found Felicity’s, and he brushed his fingertips against her cheek. “Just like you changed mine.” 

@fannaz @promiseyoullbepatientwithme @bytemegeekette @felicity-said-just-in-case @phanseptiic @orangeisorange @mspotatohead14 @whentheheavenfades @emmaamelia95 @smoakingskye @seaolicity @ourwritinginvein @1022bridgetp @felicityqueenforever @leagueofolicity17 @yryssss @myhauntedblacksoul @muslimsmoak @sherlock44 @sinceriouslybea @arrowsalways @olivyflavescentdeer @olicitys-castle @ofnothingcharming @vaelisamaza @smoakedandcharmed @alexisa1206 @mysaudadespt2 @florence-bubbles @addictiontelly @queens-of-arrows @memcjo @hysterical-for-joshifer @oswinelevenforever @olicitylovemaking @bandanab310 @mymusiclove101 @lynslogic @scarletqueen23 @olicityshipper19 @alex-wesley @arrows-4ever @unabashedlynerdypatrol @louehmysoul @ligiapimenta @chattyyana @charlie-leau @coal000 @samcrowleys @ishippolivia @julianegomesqueen @malafle @miriam1779 @charlinert @melaux @ontheolicityship @myshipperlife @wrightainsley @lexi9515 @ladygreenwood @multi-fandom-crazy-fangirl @morinamel @mje-thomas @kebarry @canadianheartgirl @nannett2307 @almondblossomme @paarti12 @kathrynelizabeth89 @imdfabulous @cutearrowgirl @mrt2501 @mecha1330 @arsipaci14 @mzminx @salasvia @brandis91 @cainc3 @morganmiguess @pr0fessi0nal-fangurl @iamisalima @nessafra @jonhdiggle @niki-is-amazing @universed-posts @hopeful-warrior @senoritaswiftie @bellemmie @green-arrows-of-karamel @iheartarrow @olicityovereverything @oliverfel4 @navyaarsha @fandoms-breathe-life @simone4mcswarek @olicity-in-the-heart @fullychippedcreation @geemarie @everything-but-normal-cat @myarroworld @tjmartinez @pleasantfanandstudent @itsmagnoliagirl @j69confessional2 @scentedcolorpirate @icanica74 @javinancupil @tjmartinez98 @certainmentalityface @tatianadamaceno @ryelew @wildwillowzepplin @missafairy @letsplaymurde-r @lipizette @positivepiper @nuttymilkshakehologram @laksagirl @turnupthemusicandscream @pumpernickle93 @onceuponanolicity @1106angel @jaspertown @fadinglands @morganashimi83 @mochababychristy @omglovechrissie @mariejr88-blog @thetaufactor @onceuponanolicity @speakandseethetruth @bri206 @aglasgo @thats0klaroline @geemarie @pineprincess @nerdgirljen @peterpanslostgirl666 @eternal-olicity14 @allyouhadtodowas-stay-stay-stay @lovelycssefan @tsseract @flowerandsunshine @dcnmarvelgamergeek @blondeeoneexox @monetsmark @soaring-cities @bb-olicity @mashamarty @rulerofsilence @erika-amber @felicity087 @i-claim-only-emily @pattid1 @westallenandolicityshipper @babyolicityandwestallen @nothingmorethanmyotps @kayleenyc @tonto16 @olicityfluv @olicitea1990 @olicity5ever @haahaaa2408 @pattid1 @faegal04 @24karatgem

(If you want to be tagged or untagged, just let me know. :))

[brandeee-lynnn]

You are not a borderline....

Hi all,

I’m writing this because I’ve become very frustrated in how people define those with Borderline Personality Disorder. Many think that borderlines are liars and manipulative and just horrible people. But that’s not true, at least not for all of us. We may come across this way but that’s because what we are dealing with inside we are not able to cope correctly. As someone who is diagnosed with this disorder and who works in a mental health facility it has become very frustrating for me to overhear co workers say things like “oh shes definitely borderline” or “Well that explains it” and just other comments. WE ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE. We are just having trouble. We just need support and help from those we love and who love us

For those who do not know what Borderline Personality Disorder is here’s what the DSM-V states:

“BPD is characterized by marked instability in functioning, affect, mood, interpersonal relationships, and, at times reality testing. BPD is diagnosed on the basis of (1) a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and (2) marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts as indicated by at least 5 of the following.

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

3. Markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging (eg, spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self- mutilating behavior

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (eg, intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (eg, frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or recurrent physical fights)

9. Transient, stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociation symptoms.”

So what does all this mean?

Borderlines have intense, and I mean INTENSE emotions. It is often hard for us to regulate them. Something that might just upset a person without BPD would enrage someone with BPD. The constant feeling of intense emotions drains us daily and we can go from happy to pissed off in a millisecond. 

We also do not have the best relationships. I know for myself, people I’m close with usually come and go. Outsiders won’t see the BPD side of me because I have learned to hide that for example at work. But my friends and family and significant other most often get the hit. They get uncontrolled anger, hurtful words, crying sessions in the middle of the night, and my least favorite, they often get pushed away for fear of them abandoning me. Also in relationships, it is usually I love you or I hate you, there’s never really any in between. 

Borderlines often don’t know who they are. One day we could be a soulful hippie and the next we might be a house wife. I know in my own experience, now looking back at the past years, I would often dye my hair different colors depending on how I was feeling or I would dress a certain way different days. I would not call this multiple personalities as some may. think. Borderlines just are trying to figure out who they are and who they want to be and it is tough for us because we try to be who people want us to be. We conform to fitting in. If one person we like is into rock and roll and mosh pits, so are we. The next may be down working on the farm milking cows and so are we. It difficult. Its confusing.We struggle to be who we really are for fear we won’t be liked. 

Impulsivity. This is an interesting one but boy is it troublesome. We are super impulsive. We don’t think before we do. We don’t think of the consequences of the future. We think about the feeling of right now. Excessive spending can be dangerous. We find ourselves getting into so much debt. From my own experience, I have gone shopping and not remember what I’ve gotten or what credit card I used or how much I spent. Sex is another impulsivity that gets us into trouble. We sometimes end up cheating on our significant other because we may not be getting something from them at the moment we want or need it so we go looking for it somewhere else. We really just want the person we love to understand what we need. Maybe we are pissed off at them so we go off and do something stupid. For others they might have multiple partners because it makes them feel better emotional. 

How many of you know someone who threaten suicide or self harm behaviors? This is such a huge problem. We do it because we need to feel like someone cares. We need to feel something more than what we are getting. When we threaten this and someone reacts by talking us down or actually caring about us for that moment its reinforcing our behavior and so now every time we are not getting what we want or need to feel a connection from someone this is what we do. Not to say we don’t feel like wanting to self harm or ending our lives because in that moment most of us actually do. We just don’t know how to regulate our emotions in the moment nor do we know how to cope with the abandonment we are feeling. 

Borderlines have unstable moods. We are often anxious and irritable. Sometimes this intensity last only a few hours sometimes it can go on for a few days. We may experience dysphoria which for those of you who don’t know what that is it is feeling uneasy, unhappy, or unwell. Along with this we often feel empty inside which to me is so weird because we are filled with all these intense emotions yet we feel empty and numb.

This is where borderlines get the negative association. Many know borderlines as violent but that’s not always true. I’ve always been an angry person. I remember stomping up the stairs and slamming doors, saying mean things to those close to me. Lately though, I’ve become physically aggressive which I hate because I am not a physical person. I’ve never been in a fight before this past year. Borderlines are just filled with anger. We see things that others don’t which then causes paranoid thoughts or intense emotions and we can’t help but to lash out. What makes it worse is when the person we are angry with invalidates us or makes us feel like our emotion is wrong. Yes it may be wrong but you NEVER tell a borderline it is. Instead you comfort, reassure, stay calm, and acknowledge that what they are feeling is real. 

Lastly, we often have paranoid thoughts.It can be hard to persuade us otherwise that what we are thinking/believing is not real. In our heads we have all the facts that what we are thinking is real and right. We often become paranoid that our significant other is cheating even though they really may not or that others are talking about us because we see them look over at us. The smallest detail can set that off. Some borderlines may experience severe dissociation symptoms as well which feels like a disconnect or lack of continuity between thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions, and identity, We may feel as if we are watching ourselves from the outside. Some of us may experience memory loss.

I hope this helps those who don’t know what BPD is, or who are new to this diagnosis. I hope it helps those who know and deal with someone with this disorder.It is hard living with this disorder but there are ways to deal, there are ways to have control. I hope as a society we can get rid of the stigma that not just borderlines have but with all mental illness. This is a disorder a disease and we need support from the community. 

[patchouli-r0se]

I am a recovering heroin addict. Since I've been sober, i have been diagnosed with quite a few things, but the most prominent and difficult one is PTSD. (post traumatic stress disorder) Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event such as a natural disaster, a serious accident, a terrorist act, war/combat, rape or other violent acts. I have been sober for two years now, but it's not all sunshine and daisies. I'm still struggling quite a bit with my mental health.

I did not have a legal job when i was actively using, but i did support my habit and my boyfriend at the time. Being an addict in general is traumatic, but if i haven't been thrown into prostitution i wouldn't have seen half of the horrendous things, or had unspeakable things happen to me.

When i was 18 i had met a man. (i'll keep his name out of it, not to protect him, more to protect my own identity.) i had thought of him to be my boyfriend. He got me hooked on heroin, then told me i had to go make money or i would get sick.. And boy was he right. That was the first time i experienced withdrawal. So he showed me the ropes of prostitution. Remember, i was 18, and VERY unwell mentally. He showed me where to go, what to do, what to say, how much to charge, and he set me up with 90 percent of my clients. Why was he so knowledgeable? Well he was a pimp. Why didn't i see it? Because i just didn't know. I didn't understand that life. But i was about to get a taste.

I thought he wanted to “be with me” because he loved me. He didn't want o be with me, he wanted me to work for him. He was very manipulative and he had so much control over me. He had other girls working for him, but he spent the most time with me because i was young and “fresh” as he called it. I haven't been used up yet like the other girls; and men payed a lot more for me, and he liked that because it supported his habit.

Throughout the relationship he would steal money from me, he would take more drugs from me and he would have other people rob me while i was out working and bring him whatever money they got off me.

He ended up dying 3 years into the relationship from liver failure. I was on my own, i was heartbroken, scared, and i had a raging habit at this point. I was mainlining 5 grams of fentanyl heroin per DAY. the only way i knew how to survive on the streets homeless was by prostituting myself. But it wasn't like it was before he died, it was so so much worse. As soon as all the johns, (clients) and dealers in the area heard that i was alone and my keeper had died, a lot of horrible horrible things started to happen to me… yet i continued to do it for many many years.

I don't think anyone who hasn't been addicted to heroin can understand the hold that it has on a person, both mentally and especially physically. Every single decision i made revolved around if i had enough heroin. There was no partying like they say in the movies. I didn't have time to party. My whole life, from the second i woke up, to the second i went to sleep, (if i slept at all) was revolved around getting heroin and getting money for heroin.

Sometimes people tell me to get over the past and stop crying about it because the only reason that i was continuously raped and tortured was because i kept going out there.yes, that is the reason why i was being raped, but that does not change the fact that these grown, married men had victimised me, and some tried to kill me. They all knew no cop would care, listen, or believe a hooker anyway, and they all got away with it. And most of those men are still out there doing it. I'm still living in the same city that these things happened to me in so when i go out sometimes i see them and i breakdown. I am lucky enough that my appearence has chaged so drastically that most of them don't notice me, but some of them do. None of the men who have noticed me say anything to me, but i get a look, some smirk like they think it's funny that they did this to me. Sometimes i get angry and i want to get revenge, but what good would that do?

I am telling my story throughout this blog because there is little to no help for women who are in this horrible place, or women who got themselves out of it but are suffering the after effects. They are looked at as the lowest of the low. There is so much shame that comes with getting sober and off of the streets.

The probability that someone who is addicted to heroin gets sober and STAYS sober is very low, but the probability that a former prostitute gets sober and stays sober is even lower. The trauma that comes with it is unthinkable. If you haven't lived that life then you cannot even imagine the horror and shame that is felt on a day to day basis. And it's very hard to find a reason to stay sober sometimes. Those feelings are overwhelming and it feels as if it will never end.

No one who is on the streets selling their body wants to be there. Yes it is a decision, but the feeling that you get when you are in withdrawal is horrifying, and you would do anything in the world to feel better… and that's just what i did and many other women like me did.

Judging these women and making fun of these women is not going to fix the problem, it is only going to make it worse. It's like kicking a cripple; there is nothing you can say or do to me that will make me feel any worse than those men made me feel.

If you are a woman going through this, i embrace you. Prostitute or not, rape is a horrible thing that, physically, only lasts for a period of time, but the mental scars from it are life. No matter how much therapy i go to, i will always remember their face and the sickness i felt when those men touched me.

Just because i was a prostitute does not mean that i deserved any of that, and neither does any reason. Nothing can justify a man TAKING sex from a women.i am here for anyone who wants to vent. I will never judge regardless of the situation. I believe that ANYONE can change if they really want it.

This is my first blog post on this site, but i will be posting many more inspirational, mental health, and past stories of mine. I am doing this to help myself process some of the things that have happened, but really if i can get one person to see this who is going through absolute hell and let them know there IS light at the end of the tunnel, then i can die a happy women. Take care of yourself. Love yourself, for all your beauty and battle scars.

[blepbaek]

*.·:·.☽✧Mark✧☾.·:·.*

○ b a s i c f a c t s

full name: Minhyung Kim (goes by his English name Mark)

meaning: Min means "quick, clever, sharp”, Hyun means “older brother”. Mark means "consecrated to the god Mars", and also may mean "God of war" or "to be warlike"

pronunciation: /mɪnhjʌŋ/

nickname(s): Mork, sneeze, markipoo, hyungie

age: 19

birthday: 2nd August

star sign: Leo

star signs traits:

✩Energetic

✩Optimistic

✩Impatient

hometown: Vancouver, Canada

occupation: Performer, songwriter & ice skater

○ f a m i l y

mother: Su-Hwa Kim née Shim (goes by Sunny)

His mother has always been there, she’s a constant in his life. Sunny has always adored her children, including Mark. Though she isn’t the best mother out there, a lot of the time she is at work rather than with her children, they know she is trying her best and that she loves them more than anything. Sunny had a rough two years after what happened with Rose and Samuel and then with Joseph, but after getting help from her brother, she was able to take on the company left to her by Charlie and is now back on her feet. Mark adores his mother more than anything and she was extremely accepting of him when he came out to her, despite the hate both of them got from her parents. Sunny is over the moon that Mark has found someone that he loves and has even started loving Haechan herself. Sunny is currently saving money, unknown to Mark so that he can go to university and do the degree he has always dreamed of doing; creative writing.

father: Kyung-Ho Kim (went by Joseph)

Joseph was the one who brought them into the wealthy life they live now. When he was younger, he and his brother Samuel joined forces with their love of music and created a company. It went fantastically well but it did mean the families had to move around a lot; hence the reason Mark and Yeri were born in Canada. Mark and his father got on perfectly well, he was the one who taught Mark guitar and took him and Yeri ice skating all the time; it was something he adored doing when he was younger. The two clicked together perfectly. When Joseph committed suicide, Mark was broken. Though Min took most of the weight when Sunny got mentally unwell, Mark took some of it too in an attempt to shield Yeri from it. Mark misses his father more than anything and hopes that Joseph is looking down on him fondly and is proud of him.

sibling(s):

★Yerim ‘Katy’ Kim (goes by Yeri)

Mark and his twin sister are joined by the hip (not literally but basically). Yeri was born 5 minutes earlier than Mark and therefore claims to be the older sibling. Despite them not being identical, it is not hard to know that the two are twins. They have the same attitude to life and share the same mannerisms. When Joseph died, the two became even closer. Not even separating at night and sharing a bed together. Yeri helped Mark through his more severe depression days and often cleaned him after he’d cut himself. Though Mark stayed in Korea with his uncle to finish school after the family moved, the twins stayed in contact and now Mark is back, he couldn’t be happier to be back with his other half. Yeri helped Mark a lot with his struggle with his sexuality and stood up for him when their grandparents lashed out; knowing what it’s like. Mark would be lost without his twin and is so happy he has her always by his side.

★Minseok Kim

Mark has always looked up to his older brother, even when they were little. Min always had this aura around him that made him almost unapproachable to Mark. Min didn’t like that, he wanted to be the big brother that Mark knew he could come to and so he set out to change it. Min took him and Yeri on weekly days out to the park, showing them nature and singing with them. After Joseph died, Min became a lot more protective of Mark and Yeri and tried to comfort them as much as he could. During Sunny’s rough two years, Min basically became their parental figure. Min was heartbroken when he found out about Mark’s depression and what he was doing to himself, and with some help from their uncle, they got Mark a counsellor who got him through it. Now, even though Min has moved out and doesn’t see Mark often other than through practice, he adores his older brother and is so thankful to have him and to see how happy he is.

aunts + uncles:

★Chae-Young Kim née Ha & Kyung-Sam Kim (Rose and Samuel)

Rose and Samuel were always the perfect aunt and uncle. Rose was a beautiful woman and a stereotypical mother who baked and did crafts. Samuel was an amazing musician with a bright mind and always seemed so happy and carefree. Though they mainly resided in New Zealand, they would always call and send parcels with toys, handmade things and food. When the two families moved to Korea, they would always come visit. Mark loved his aunt and uncle, with Rose always calling him ‘hyungie’ and Samuel helping him with writing. It came as a shock to him when he found out about Samuel snapping and ending up fatally wounding Rose as he never thought his uncle was capable of that; he didn’t know about the secret beatings. Mark misses Rose terribly and still wishes for her little parcels in the post. The last he heard of Samuel he was in prison, trying to get out so he could get his company back. Mark hopes he rots in hell.

★Changmin Shim

Changmin is much younger than his mother and not too much older than Min, which makes Mark think of him more as an older brother than an uncle. Changmin is an amazing singer and incredibly talented and passionate about his music and encouraged Mark to be too. Mark always thought he was so cool and still does. Changmin helped Sunny through her rough patch; finding her the help that she needed and taking the weight off of Min’s shoulders by staying with the family and supporting them through money he got off performances and gigs he did with his singing. After a year, Changmin moved and encouraged the family to leave Korea. He wasn’t expecting Mark to come back soon after so he could finish his studies there. Changmin agreed to let him stay and was an amazing host to him and helped him a lot. Mark misses Changmin now that he’s moved and hopes he comes to visit soon.

★Hongseok Kim (Harry)

Mark hasn’t heard from his uncle since his father’s funeral. The other man disappeared and was never heard from by the family again. Harry was always very kind to Mark and even though he was the youngest brother and wasn’t interested in music, him and his brothers had a very good bond. Mark hopes that wherever his uncle is and whatever it is he’s doing now, that he’s happy. He also hopes he reunites with his uncle one day.

cousins:

★Charlie Kim

Charlie is one of Mark’s inspirations. Even from a young age Mark looked up to his older cousin with such delight and awe. The boys talent in singing, rapping and lyric writing blew Mark’s mind and he knew he wanted to be exactly like that. Charlie started to help him with just that and the two became close. When everything happened with the families, Charlie stopped helping and stopped talking to the family for a while. Mark missed him but knew he needed time; they all did. Once Samuel was sent down, Charlie came back into contact, apologising for leaving. The family welcomed him back with open arms; they understood. Now, Mark still looks up to Charlie and he has resumed helping him with writing and creating music. Mark spoke to Charlie about his sexuality; knowing the other boy could help and he did.

★Aurora Kim

Aurora was 2 years older than Mark and though she spent more time with Yeri than him, Mark always enjoyed her company and loved her. Aurora was a kind soul who wanted nothing more than to adventure. She would often take Mark and Yeri on adventures where they’d come home with scratches and blisters but grinning with joy and showing off the things they’d found. When Aurora was diagnosed, Mark was only 8 but he was hit hard by it. For the next 3 years the twins would go on adventures of their own and collected their findings in a small box which they gifted to Aurora on her 14th birthday. A few weeks later, Aurora died but left a note to the twins telling them that now she’s on her biggest adventure. Mark gets emotional when thinking of her, wondering what she could of brought to the world if she had been alive.

other family members:

★So-hyun Shim & Byung-woo Shim

Mark hates his grandparents. They were never the kindest anyway, always up themselves and always looking down on them. Mark knew they didn’t approve of Joseph and thought Sunny had just married him for the money. After he died, they were slightly thrilled and tried to get her a new husband but Sunny had refused. It’s no secret that they are homophobic, Mark practically grew up with them throwing abusive comments at Min, Charlie and then his own twin. He tried his hardest to push down any feelings he had towards the same sex and even went as far as to having a girlfriend just to please them. Not for their benefit, but just because he knew they would hate on his mother. When Mark accepted his sexuality, he came out to them plain and simple during a family dinner. They begun to shout abuse at him and Mark was made to stay at Yeri’s apartment for a few days until they left town; they refused to stay in a home with him. Sunny said she did nothing but argue with them and said she wouldn’t contact them again and that she prefers her sons happiness over her relationship with her ‘backwards fucked up thinking parents’

○ f r i e n d s h i p s

❇︎Johnny Seo

Mark is the only one of Johnny’s current friends to have known him before the older boy began getting hurt by his parents. And Johnny is one of Mark’s only friends to have known him before his father died. Johnny knew of Mark’s severe depression after his father died and tried so badly to help him out but as he was struggling himself, it was difficult for him. Mark looked up to Johnny as an older brother and so when Mark found him almost gone one the floor from a cut with glass, he immediately informed his mother and his family took Johnny in. Mark was thrilled that he could finally help out his best friend and with Johnny’s encouragement, he started sessions to help his depression. To this day, Johnny and Mark remain like brothers and tell each other everything.

❇︎Jung Jaehyun

Mark first met Jaehyun when the other boy auditioned for the company. The two boys became closer after Mark taught Jaehyun rapping once the boy inquired about it. Mark thought Jaehyun was hilarious and they clicked, especially with their mutual friend Johnny. Him and Jaehyun get on so well that they actually started calling each other their ‘other half’. Jaehyun helped Mark a lot with his sexuality and comforted him countless times when he got upset with fear of it. They’re still best friends and Mark is so thankful to have a friend like Jaehyun.

❇︎Chenle Zhong

When Mark first met Chenle, the other boy was quiet. He only knew Chinese and wasn’t really able to talk without a translator. Mark taught him and as time passed, Chenle slowly came out of his shell and Mark realised just how loud and cheeky the other boy was. Mark and Chenle get on extremely well, even if the younger boy constantly teases the life out of him. Mark was jealous of Chenle, he was young and yet so sure and proud of his sexuality and Mark was too scared. He often asked Chenle for help in regards to figuring himself out but Chenle always told him it’s something he has to do by himself. They’re still extremely close and Mark considered Chenle one of his best friends.

❇︎Jaemin Na

Mark and Jaemin met at a support group for young people going through loss. They were paired up for an activity and slowly realised that they had similar interests. Mark knew that Jaemin was a talented singer and encouraged him to audition for the company. It was there that they became closer and were Jaemin became one of Mark’s best friends. There was a time when Jaemin actually tried to kiss Mark and they ended up falling out big time because Mark was still convinced he was straight at the time. They soon sorted things out and Jaemin apologised. Jaemin was another that Mark was jealous over with his confidence in his sexuality, he wasn’t afraid of it at all. Jaemin was so proud when Mark came out and even bought him a card. Mark still thinks of him as one of his best friends and is happy to see Jaemin has found someone who adores him.

❇︎Doyoung Kim

Doyoung is like a mother to Mark. They met after Doyoung auditioned for the company and he immediately took a liking to him. Mark was amazed by Doyoung’s talent and so was the older boys with his. Doyoung once cried when he saw Mark’s scars and made him promise that if he ever felt like doing it again to immediately call him. One night, Mark did, and if it wasn’t for Doyoung, he believes he would of got back into hurting himself again. Doyoung still acts like his mother and tries to shield him from all the bad things in the world. Mark finds himself lucky to have Doyoung as a friend.

❇︎Jungwoo Kim

Mark find Jungwoo adorable but with his height Mark was shocked to find out the boy was only a year older than him. Jungwoo was also incredibly quiet when they first met Mark but soon came out of his shell. Mark is one of the only people to know that Jungwoo actually has an incredibly dirty mind and isn’t as innocent as he seems. Mark loves being around Jungwoo and is glad to see how happy he has become.

❇︎Yuta Nakamota

Yuta scared Mark when he first met him. Yuta was an extremely confident muscular man that loved sports but after seeing how much he loved dance and music, Mark slowly warmed to him and the two boys became friends through Jaehyun. After everything that happened with him and Jaehyun, Mark was one of the only ones that actually wanted to see what happened and so he was the only one to know about Yuta’s disorder. For the whole time Yuta was in hospital, Mark went to visit him a couple times a month. Mark is thrilled to see how much better Yuta is doing now.

❇︎Kun Qian

Kun is like another mother to Mark. Him and Doyoung sometimes friendly argue about who is more Mark’s mother because they both adore him. Kun was also quiet when he first met him but after Johnny’s lessons, the boy grew louder. Kun confessed his feelings about Johnny to Mark and Mark told him to at least try it out but don’t get his hopes up. He wasn’t surprised when he found out Johnny had rejected the other boy. Kun always takes Mark out for food and has tried several times to teach the boy how to cook but failed. Mark loves Kun a lot and would probably be lost without him.

❇︎Donghae Lee

Mark didn’t expect to become friends with Donghae but when he auditioned for the company, he found himself often in the elders company. Mark often teases Donghae about his short height and how he is older but it’s simply just friendly banter and the two are almost like brothers. Mark was upset when he found out about Donghae going to Korea to be a policeman for two years but wished him look and kept contact with him when he could. Mark is thrilled that Donghae is back now.

❇︎Irene Oh

Another unexpected friend; his sisters best friend. Irene always stuck up for Mark from people who would tease him about his scars and actually helped him through some of his depression. Irene calls herself Mark’s 4th mother as she mothers both him and his sister. Sometimes Mark is scared by Irene but he knows its nothing personal; she just hates all men.

❇︎Wong Yukhei ‘Lucas’

Yet another unexpected friend. His first interaction with Lucas didn’t go down too well and Mark actually resented the boy for a while. Mark saw himself in Lucas with him denying his sexuality until the last minute. The two somehow became friends ‘bros’ and often talk like typical straight guys; Mark doesn’t know why Lucas brings out his inner straight guy but for some reason he does. Mark is glad to have a guy his age as a friend.

❇︎Mina & Daniel Kang

Mark first met these two siblings through Mina at the support group; they’d lost their mother through cancer. For a small while Mark thought he had a crush on Mina but wasn’t able to do anything about it due to the fact he was already in a relationship. Mark met Daniel when he came to greet Mina outside one week and Mark found himself getting shy and blushing over how handsome looking the other boy was. Now, years after, he is still in touch with the siblings but not as much now.

pets:

❊N/A

○ l o v e l i f e

sexuality: Gay

past relationships:

❥Herin Seo

Herin had been at the company basically since it began. Her family was close with his father and Samuel and knew about her passion for singing and so encouraged her to audition. She quickly became best friends with Yeri and was introduced to Mark through her. Mark was somewhat infatuated with her. In his eyes she was perfect and even though she bossed him around slightly, he was happy because he was weak for her. They were together for a few years and it was perfect. Herin helped Mark throughout everything with his father and stuck by him but he never told her about his depression. Mark then became fearful and begun questioning his sexuality, and mix that in with his worsening depression; they began arguing and eventually broke up not on good terms and soon after Herin moved back home to England and he hasn’t spoken to her since. Though it ended badly, Mark is thankful for his time with Herin and does actually believe he was in love with her despite now being completely gay.

current relationship status:

❥Lee Donghyuck ‘Haechan’

Haechan was Mark’s main sexual awakening. Mark was content with the fact that he was straight until he saw the cute boy in a coffee shop. He was weak for him but brushed it off, thinking they’d never come into contact again. Then he realised they had mutual friends and soon did. Mark was still pushing down his sexuality but slowly allowed himself to become friends with him, enjoying spending time with him. Then one day Haechan kissed him. Mark was shocked, he had never been kissed by a boy before and it scared him the fact he liked it. It took him a few days and several breakdowns before eventually coming out to his family and getting together with Haechan. Mark couldn’t be happier and even though they’ve only been together a couple of months, Mark is already completely in love. Haechan’s living conditions scares Mark as he wants to wrap him in a ball and protect him from everything bad, but he understands why he stays with his mum. Mark already knows he doesn’t want to live without his sunshine and wants to spend the rest of his life with him.

○ f a c t s

any disorders:

☞ Suffered with depression after his father died

☞Mild case of insomnia

any past or current illnesses:

☞ N/A

accent: Due to living half of his life in Canada, he still has a very strong Canadian accent mixed in with American because of living in America for such a long time. However, because he was so used to speaking Korean for several years, he messes up on grammar some time.

appearance: Mark is slightly tanned with rather big eyes and eyebrows shaped like brackets. He has rather sharp cheekbones that are only visible in some angels. He has rather thin lips and his face and body are dotted with moles. He isn’t the most muscular of people but does have some muscle in his arms and has those thicc thighs and ass if ygm👀

style: He tends to wear caps often and tends to stick to a casual style with comfy t-shirts, jackets and jeans. He does love his converse and his denim jackets and hoodies too and often wears them. He doesn’t take too much interest in fashion and mainly just tends to wear whats clean.

height: 5’9

scars:

☞A few self inflicted ones on his arms

☞A self inflicted burn marks on his arm, legs and chest

tattoos:

☞N/A

marks:

☞His whole body is dotted with little moles

piercings:

☞ Ears, standard ones and a helix and a orbital

beliefs: Up until his dad died, Mark was a firm believer in God and went to church every Sunday, and though some of his faith still remains, most of it has gone.

○ b i o g r a p h y

background:

Mark grew up in a wealthy family surrounded by family and luxury. He spent his first 6 or so years in Canada where he was born but then the family moved to Korea where they had been living before the twins where born. It wasn’t until Mark was 10 that everything went downhill. Mark had been training for an important figure skating competition for juniors but ended up not competing due to everything that happened. After his cousin Charlie was found out to be gay and his younger sister Aurora died a few years before, his father Samuel snapped and ended up fatally wounding his wife Rose. The family was struck with grief for Rose and Aurora and Mark’s father Joseph ended up getting severe depression. When Mark was around 14, Joseph committed suicide through overdose on medication he’d been given to tackle insomnia. Sunny then had a rough two years brought by alcohol and anti-depressants that hadn’t been prescribed to her. Mark was terrified and tried to help his older brother Min with looking after both their mother and Yeri. Throughout this time Mark began developing depression and insomnia (something brought on by the fear of dying in his sleep). Mark hid this from everyone but by the time he turned 16 it was bad. Bad enough that almost all his arms had been cut up and he’d even turned to smoking and putting them out on himself, self harming through burning his body. After he broke up with Herin, his depression went even worse and he ended up actually running away from home for a day and was found passed out in a park over an hour away from their home. That’s when Changmin moved in. With help from him and Johnny, Mark found a counsellor who helped him through his depression and stopped him smoking. After his mother was better, the family moved away from Korea but Mark stayed to complete school; Yeri had been homeschooled due to mental issues. Charlie was given his father and Samuel’s music company as just before Joseph died he gave his half of the company to Samuel, not wanting to burden Min with it. Charlie knew he wasn’t ready and so made Sunny the official CEO. Charlie still owned it but Sunny was the manager and the one who made major decisions; she still does ask his help for some though. Now Mark is back with his family and performing and starting back figure skating, he feels truly happy again. Though he still suffers with insomnia due to the fact he refuses to take any medication for it, he still manages to get by. Mark is happy to be surrounded by his family and friends and can’t wait to start trying to get into figure skating competitions again.

school life:

Mark’s school life wasn’t the best. He had friends in Herin, and a few others but after everything had happened, his grades started slipping. Mark was excused from school for a few months, hence the reason he had to stay back a couple years to finish up. After he finished school with good grades, he stopped with education, focusing on skating and music. His mother is secretly saving up for him to go to university as he’s got the grades from extra classes that served as a college and she knows he’s always wanted to go to university to study creative writing.

dreams + aspirations:

▹perform on stage ✓

▹get over his depression mainly ✓

▹be happy with himself ✓

▹write his own song/wrap as well as compose/produce ✓

▹fall completely in love ✓

▹go back to Canada

▹visit his fathers grave back home

▹come in the top 3 in an ice skating comp

▹go to university

○ f a v o r i t e s + p e r s o n a l i t y

likes:

✾singing/rapping/writing

✾skating

✾cuddling haechan

✾being with his family

dislikes

✾sleeping

✾the dark (he has a night light)

✾being alone

✾sauces

hobbies:

✾singing/rapping

✾skating

✾writing songs

✾playing guitar

talents / skills:

✾singing/rapping

✾figure skating

✾writing songs

✾guitar (& some piano)

✾swimming

favorite-

movie: The Avengers

food: Bagels, chicken, watermelons

drink: Banana milk and Cola

book: N/A

character: Totoro

game: Doesn’t really play games other than subway surfers

tv show: A massive hoe for cheesy dramas but keeps it a secret

band / singer: Coldplay

colour: Blue

song: Yellow - Coldplay

place: His bed, the studio or Canada

season: Winter

quirks + habits:

✾saying ‘oh my god’ at almost everything

✾very easy to make laugh

✾scrunching his nose

fears:

✾dying in his sleep

✾being in the dark

✾losing his family and friends

✾losing his voice  

usual mood: he’s usually tired due to lack of sleep but hides it well with acting rather cheery and hyper

○ e x t r a s

do they smoke? used to during the time he was depressed but never has since

do they drink? not often but sometimes

- what are they like drunk? he’s very loud and weird and often embarrasses himself, a complete lightweight

do they do any drugs? no

do they have to take any medication? no

notable objects:

▫︎a family ring all of the family have

▫︎his house key, the key to Yeri’s apartment, a charm from his father and a locket with a picture of his family and Haechan in it on a necklace around his neck

▫︎a bracelet him and Yeri both have, they made them for each other when they were younger

hogwarts house? Gryffindor

patronus? Lion cub

if they could live in fictional place, where? Marvel Universe

faceclaim:: Mark Lee

[imafantasticbaby]

therollinggirl with this reply

“YGE went after people claiming Jennie was dating Teddy but not the media that slept in front of TOP’s hospital waiting to see him either come out (which he did, unguarded in a sensitive mental state) or die.”

When you have hundreds of press in front of a hospital its hard to pick them up and move them out of the way especially when the Korean Paparazzi is AGGRESSIVE and Heartless. They had security and kept him safe in his room and made sure no one got it. Thats at least something they could do. Outside of the hospital is public area and its not in YGE’s power to completely fix it. I am sure that they took preparations with the security and police that TOP was comfortable inside his room with his mother.

“GD posted on his intsa a clip of BTS of MOTTE where is he getting his brain scanned because he’s so mentally unwell from all the work (that YG gives him) and yet Yang Suck my ass wants him on MIXNINE for views? during his short break before ANOTHER dome tour.”

I think you are taking creative art of GD’s to a hole new level, bring it down real quick. If GD was being mentally abused by YG then im sure he would do something about it and not let it continue. plus GD hasnt come out and said that is the inspiration. it could be anything. We know he has love issues, mabye its representing getting his brain scanned to seeif hes mentally unwell because of the heartbreak and stress of it all. or the struggle btween trying to regain himself back from constantly staying in the G Dragon character, which is why hes showing us more of Kwon Jyong in MOTTE...have you thought about other theories? no? just the one that supports that YG is a fucking horible pig? okay..

“Seungri has material for a new album but YANG SUCK MY ASS won’t allow a comeback because the ‘songs are to cool for Seungri’? He’s pushed seungri out of his dream of being a singer.”

THIS WAS A JOKE-- omg people come on!! LOL they were laughing and teasing when they said that. Also YG hasnt pushed him out of being a singer-- Seungri WANTED to do all these coll extra things. He has his own companies, a dance academy, a DJ entertainment company a Ramen Restaurant chain. BOY IS LIVING IT. HE MAKING DOE AND CHILLING ON YACHTS, HE LIVING HIS BEST LIFE. I mean let him have at least a YEAR or TWO to get his business in order before he goes to join the military, so when he gets back nothing is on fire-- he cant do all that and produce an album and then do a tour as well. THATS TOO MUCH. let him do his thang, then rest then maybe he will release another album soon before Military time hits. HAVE PATIENCE.

“YHS and YHS apologists can suck shit. Y’all can defend this egotistic, borderline pedo and call him papa all you want but I’ll be here waiting for YGE to go under and all these talented people be free.”

You are literally not only supporting the downfall of a company that LITERALLY is the reason your Faves are living their dreams. maybe not as FAST AS YOU WANT IT  but its happening. if YG is gone then all the artists will struggle to find new homes and new surroundings and new EVERYTHING. it might just be too much that your fave ends up losing their dream. so instead of waiting for a downfall and hoping for a company to fail and hundresds of people to lose jobs and start a terrible struggle....how about you try to support your faves by encouraging the company to do better and support the artists by buying their art and while you are at it you are also helping give the emplayees and staff their paycheck to continue to help your faves live their dream to entertain you.

just a thought...

There is literally too much hate and anger in all this and that is EXACTLY what my post was about and all this just proves my point even more.....

[wnq-anonymous]

25 Famous Quotes by Famous Women That Realistically Depict The Struggles of Dealing With Anxiety and Depression

Most people who suffer from mental health issues, often carry their pain in silence. They’re afraid to open up to anyone for the fear of being misunderstood or reduced to shame. If you are struggling or know someone who is, we encourage you to read these messages by famous and inspirational women including, J.K. Rowling, Kerry Washington, and Kristen Bell among many others.

Anna Wintour

“I think mental health is an area where people are embarrassed … They don’t want to talk about it because somehow they feel they’re a failure as a parent or, you know, they’re embarrassed for their child or they want to protect their child, lots of very good reasons, but mental health I feel is something that you have to talk about. That time from 15 to 16 to your mid- to late 20s — you look grown-up, people think you’re grown-up, but you’re still a kid.” —New York Magazine, May 2015

Mara Wilson

“I’ve basically been an anxious person all my life. I have suffered from anxiety, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I’ve dealt with depression. I’ve been dealing with it for a very long time, for most of my life. I was an anxious kid and I’m still kind of an anxious adult. I wish somebody had told me that it’s okay to be anxious, that you don’t have to fight it. That, in fact, fighting it is the thing that makes it worse. That pushing it away is really what it is — it’s the fear of fear. And that, you know, it’s okay to be depressed. And also … that it’s not a romantic thing. You don’t have to be depressed. You don’t have to suffer with it. You can get help. You can reach out. Also, sort of on the flip side of that, being anxious and fighting that anxiety is actually just going to make it worse. I wish that I had fought my depression and not fought my anxiety as much. When you face anxiety, when you realize what it is, when you understand that it’s just this false alarm in your body, then you can work with it. Then you can overcome it.” —Project UROK, April 2015

Charlotte Rampling

“For me, depression was like a Gremlin sitting here [on my shoulder] like the creature from a low-budget horror movie. I’m fine now. We’ll see when I get back. ‘You thought it was all right. Not so fast, mate!’” —The Telegraph, May 2013

J.K. Rowling

“I think I had tendencies toward depression from quite young. It became really acute when I was sort of twenty-five to twenty-eight was a dark time. It’s that absence of feeling — and it’s even the absence of hope that you can feel better. And it’s so difficult to describe to someone who’s never been there because it’s not sadness. Sadness is — I know sadness — sadness is not a bad thing. You know? To cry and to feel. But it’s that cold absence of feeling — that really hollowed-out feeling. That’s what the Dementors are. And it was because of my daughter that I went and got help.” —The Oprah Winfrey Show, October 2010

Gloria Steinem

“I myself cried when I got angry, then became unable to explain why I was angry in the first place. Later I would discover this was endemic among female human beings. Anger is supposed to be ‘unfeminine’ so we suppress it — until it overflows. I could see that not speaking up made my mother feel worse. This was my first hint of the truism that depression is anger turned inward; thus women are twice as likely to be depressed.” —My Life on the Road, October 2015

Aparna Nancherla

“I would say depression is one of those things that sublets space in your head, so no matter how far away you get away from it, it exists as a somewhat permanent houseguest. So while it can significantly impede my productivity and mood, it also very much contributes to my point-of-view and sense of humor. … One of the unexpected positives of depression for a lifelong perfectionist is you worry less about failure, in that showing up or engaging, regardless of quality, can be an accomplishment in and of itself.” —Splitsider, March 2016

Caitlin Moran

“What do I say to you girls — you beautiful girls? You girls who are having the Bad Year — the Bad Year where you cannot remember why you were happy aged 12, and cannot imagine being happy at 21? … That panic and anxiety will lie to you — they are gonzo, malign commentators on the events of your life. Their counsel is wrong. You are as high, wired and badly advised by adrenaline as you would be by cocaine. Panic and anxiety are mad, drugged fools. Do not listen to their grinding-toothed, sweaty bullshit … And the most important thing? To know that you were not born like this. You were not born scared and self-loathing and overwhelmed. Things have been done — which means things can be undone. It is hard work. But you are not scared of hard work, compared with everything else you have dealt with.” —Stylist UK, March 2016

Amy Tan

“Whatever it is that causes it, I think it’s just always going to be there. Part of it is having had a suicidal mother and maybe the things that have happened in my life … Like a lot of people, I had a resistance [to taking antidepressants], thinking that emotional or mental problems are things that you can deal with other than through medication. I also didn’t want anything to affect me mentally. But what a difference! And I thought, ‘Boy, what a different childhood I might have had had my mother taken antidepressants.’” —Time, March 2001

Princess Diana

“I was unwell with post-natal depression, which no one ever discusses … and that in itself was a bit of a difficult time. You’d wake up in the morning feeling you didn’t want to get out of bed, you felt misunderstood, and just very, very low in yourself … Maybe I was the first person ever to be in this family who ever had depression or was ever openly tearful. And obviously that was daunting, because if you’ve never seen it before how do you support it? … It gave everybody a wonderful new label — Diana’s unstable and Diana’s mentally unbalanced. And unfortunately that seems to have stuck on and off over the years.

“When no one listens to you, or you feel no one’s listening to you, all sorts of things start to happen. For instance you have so much pain inside yourself that you try and hurt yourself on the outside because you want help, but it’s the wrong help you’re asking for. People see it as crying wolf or attention-seeking, and they think because you’re in the media all the time you’ve got enough attention, inverted commas. But I was actually crying out because I wanted to get better in order to go forward and continue my duty and my role as wife, mother, princess of Wales. So yes, I did inflict upon myself. I didn’t like myself, I was ashamed because I couldn’t cope with the pressures.” —BBC1 Panorama Interview, 1995

Kristen Bell

“When I was 18, [my mom] said, ‘If you start to feel like you are twisting things around you, and you start to feel like there is no sunlight around you, and you are paralyzed with fear, this is what it is and here’s how you can help yourself.’ And I’ve always had a really open and honest dialogue about that, especially with my mom, which I’m so grateful for. Because you have to be able to cope with it. I mean, I present that very cheery bubbly person, but I also do a lot of work, I do a lot of introspective work and I check in with myself when I need to exercise and I got on a prescription when I was really young to help with my anxiety and depression and I still take it today. And I have no shame in that because my mom had said if you start to feel this way, talk to your doctor, talk to a psychologist and see how you want to help yourself. And if you do decide to go on a prescription to help yourself, understand that the world wants to shame you for that, but in the medical community, you would never deny a diabetic his insulin. Ever. But for some reason, when someone needs a serotonin inhibitor, they’re immediately crazy or something. And I don’t know, it’s a very interesting double standard that I often don’t have the ability to talk about but I certainly feel no shame about.” —Off Camera With Sam Jones, April 2016

Elizabeth Gilbert

“When you’re lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered off the path, that you’ll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it’s time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore. … I took on my depression like it was the fight of my life, which, of course, it was. … I tried so hard to fight the endless sobbing. I remember asking myself one night, while I was curled up in the same old corner of my same old couch in tears yet again over the same old repetition of sorrowful thoughts, ‘Is there anything about this scene you can change, Liz?’ And all I could think to do was stand up, while still sobbing, and try to balance on one foot in the middle of the living room. Just to prove that — while I couldn’t stop the tears or change my dismal interior dialogue — I was not yet totally out of control: at least I could cry hysterically while balanced on one foot.” —Eat, Pray, Love, February 2006

Susan Sontag

“Depression is melancholy minus its charms — the animation, the fits.” —Illness As Metaphor, 1978

Miley Cyrus

“[Depression]’s more of an issue than people really want to talk about. Because people don’t know how to talk about being depressed �� that it’s totally okay to feel sad. I went through a time where I was really depressed. Like, I locked myself in my room and my dad had to break my door down. It was a lot to do with, like, I had really bad skin, and I felt really bullied because of that. But I never was depressed because of the way someone else made me feel, I just was depressed. And every person can benefit from talking to somebody. I’m the most antimedication person, but some people need medicine, and there was a time where I needed some too. So many people look at [my depression] as me being ungrateful, but that is not it — I can’t help it. There’s not much that I’m closed off about, and the universe gave me all that so I could help people feel like they don’t have to be something they’re not or feel like they have to fake happy. There’s nothing worse than being fake happy.” —Elle, April 2014

Elizabeth Wurtzel

“That’s the thing I want to make clear about depression: It’s got nothing at all to do with life. In the course of life, there is sadness and pain and sorrow, all of which, in their right time and season, are normal — unpleasant, but normal. Depression is an altogether different zone because it involves a complete absence: absence of affect, absence of feeling, absence of response, absence of interest. The pain you feel in the course of a major clinical depression is an attempt on nature’s part (nature, after all, abhors a vacuum) to fill up the empty space. But for all intents and purposes, the deeply depressed are just the walking, waking dead.” —Prozac Nation, 1994

Lena Dunham

“I feel like there’s this glamour, when you look at like a Tennessee Williams play, where the woman who has a psychological illness is in a fur, laid out on a chaise. Whereas in reality, a woman with mental illness or a woman struggling with her psychological wellbeing is often in sweats and in a T-shirt that used to belong to her dad and is covered in food bits. … I’ve always been anxious, but I haven’t been the kind of anxious that makes you run ten miles a day and make a lot of calls on your Blackberry. I’m the kind of anxious that makes you be like, ‘I’m not going to be able to come out tonight, tomorrow night or maybe for the next 67 nights.’” —Refinery29’s RIOT series, May 2016

Sarah Silverman

“I first experienced depression when I was 13. I was walking off a bus from a school camping trip. The trip had been miserable: I was, sadly, a bed wetter, and I had Pampers hidden in my sleeping bag — a gigantic and shameful secret to carry. … You know how you can be fine one moment, and the next it’s, ‘Oh my God, I f—king have the flu!’? It was like that. Only this flu lasted for three years. My whole perspective changed. I went from being the class clown to not being able to see life in that casual way anymore. I couldn’t deal with being with my friends, I didn’t go to school for months, and I started having panic attacks. People use ‘panic attack’ very casually out here in Los Angeles, but I don’t think most of them really know what it is. Every breath is labored. You are dying. You are going to die. It’s terrifying. And then when the attack is over, the depression is still there. Once, my stepdad asked me, ‘What does it feel like?’ And I said, ‘It feels like I’m desperately homesick, but I’m home.’” —Glamour, October 2015

Kerry Washington

On seeing a therapist

“I say that publicly because I think it’s really important to take the stigma away from mental health. … My brain and my heart are really important to me. I don’t know why I wouldn’t seek help to have those things be as healthy as my teeth. I go to the dentist. So why wouldn’t I go to a shrink?” —Glamour, April 2015

Kristen Stewart

“Between ages 15 and 20, it was really intense. I was constantly anxious. I was kind of a control freak. If I didn’t know how something was going to turn out, I would make myself ill, or just be locked up or inhibited in a way that was really debilitating … At one point, you just let go and give yourself to your life. I have finally managed that and I get so much more out of life. I’ve lived hard for such a young person, and I’ve done that to myself — but I’ve come out the other end not hardened but strong. I have an ability to persevere that I didn’t have before. It’s like when you fall on your face so hard and the next time, you’re like, Yeah, so? I’ve fallen on my face before.” —Marie Claire, August 2015

Cara Delevingne

“This is something I haven’t been open about, but it’s a huge part of who I am. All of a sudden I was hit with a massive wave of depression and anxiety and self-hatred, where the feelings were so painful that I would slam my head against a tree to try to knock myself out. I never cut, but I’d scratch myself to the point of bleeding. I just wanted to dematerialize and have someone sweep me away … I thought that if I wanted to act, I’d need to finish school, but I got so I couldn’t wake up in the morning. The worst thing was that I knew I was a lucky girl, and the fact that you would rather be dead … you just feel so guilty for those feelings, and it’s this vicious circle. Like, how dare I feel that way? So you just attack yourself some more.” —Vogue, July 2015

bell hooks

“Isolation and loneliness are central causes of depression and despair. Yet they are the outcome of life in a culture where things matter more than people. Materialism creates a world of narcissism in which the focus of life is solely on acquisition and consumption. A culture of narcissism is not a place where love can flourish.” —All About Love: New Visions, January 2001

Carrie Brownstein

“Sometimes I feel like it’s a lifelong struggle. I have started to meditate. I exercise, but not at a gym. I get out. I’ve been reading a lot. I’ve been trying to immerse myself in the narratives of other people. I try to not isolate myself as much. It is really hard. People that are sensitive, you just feel too porous sometimes. There’s this inertia that sets in and it’s hard to get out of bed. I think knowing that other people go through it is really reassuring. Some of my most motivated, brilliant friends, when they tell me that they’re sad, it’s like, I’m sad for them, and then I’m relieved for the world. I’m like: ‘See: we all feel like this.’” —Pitchfork, October 2015

Kate Moss

“I had a nervous breakdown when I was 17 or 18, when I had to go and work with Marky Mark and Herb Ritts. It didn’t feel like me at all. I felt really bad about straddling this buff guy. I didn’t like it. I couldn’t get out of bed for two weeks. I thought I was going to die. I went to the doctor, and he said, ‘I’ll give you some Valium,’ and Francesca Sorrenti, thank God, said, ‘You’re not taking that.’ It was just anxiety. Nobody takes care of you mentally. There’s a massive pressure to do what you have to do. I was really little, and I was going to work with Steven Meisel. It was just really weird — a stretch limo coming to pick you up from work. I didn’t like it. But it was work, and I had to do it.” —Vanity Fair, October 2012

Tavi Gevinson

“There are a lot of different kinds of sadness, but the two broadest categories are the kind that can be beautiful and cathartic and you’re crying and listening to music and it feels kind of good actually, and the kind where it just sucks and you don’t want to get out of bed and you feel completely trapped. And my methods for both are different. For the beautiful one I just try to see it for what it is, and use it to get out a good cry and enjoy an album or whatever, or spoon with a friend. And with the other kind … the good thing is that these days, nothing feels like the end of the world anymore, whereas in the earlier years of high school, and throughout middle school — and elementary school, actually — that stuff was really hard.” —Rookie, January 2014

Brooke Shields

“If you think you might be suffering from any kind of postpartum mood disorder, or are aware of some preexisting condition in your life that could lead to it, DO NOT WASTE TIME! Get help right away … Don’t be ashamed and don’t disregard what you are feeling. It is better to be proactive. Postpartum depression is extremely treatable, and there are many ways to cope with and get through it. It is important to get educated and talk about how you are feeling. It rarely passes alone or without causing damage … And remember: postpartum depression is beyond your control.” —Down Came the Rain, May 2005

Cheryl Strayed

“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.” —Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life From Dear Sugar, July 2012

Photography Credit:1, 2, 3, 4

h/t: nymag

[machinehead]

MORE CORNELL

Below is a collection of the most interesting replies to my General Journal inbox and our Facebook page. There are many, many, many more great/fantastic replies in the FB thread here: https://www.facebook.com/MachineHead/posts/10154745571783823 But these are the ones that hit me the hardest for whatever reason. Reading everyone's replies made me realize that it’s been a very difficult thing to process for many of us.  I appreciate the well wishes from everyone.  Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.  Yes, it triggered something dark inside me, something closer to the surface than I realized.  Writing/talking helped me process it. Talking about it on our group-text helped a lot, talking about it with my guys at practice helped a lot.  Writing the journal helped a lot, reading you’re replies helped a lot. And so I’m sharing your replies to hopefully help anyone else struggling with this. It needs to be discussed. His suicide, depression, mental health, whatever we want to call needs to be addressed. We need to get over our uber-macho, alpha-male-society, and be able to talk about these things.  For ourselves, for our kids, for our future. My oldest son had heard Genevra and I talking about Cornell. Driving him to school 2 days ago, he asked me how he died.  I told him. He didn’t understand why someone would do that. It was tough conversation.  And my first thought was to not tell him what it meant, but then my larger fear went to "what if he feels this way already?”  And before you go, “oh kids don’t feel that way, kids are just happy all the time”, I have 2 friends who are going though it with their tween/teenagers.  So we spoke about it, and I told him "I hoped that him and Wyatt never felt that way because THAT scared me even more." It was heavy… How any parent lives through that I’ll never know. Back when the news broke, the band/crew were talking over the group-text, Phil shared something amazing with us.  It was a post from our long-time friend Steffan Chirazi.  He had posted his eloquent thoughts regarding Cornell's suicide (written before suicide was confirmed). If you read only one of the replies below, scroll to the bottom and read his. It’s well worth your time. ——————————— From: Paul Miller Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals Yeah man. I know that's not a formal way to start a reply, but that last line, "Listen, Honor, Remember Chris Cornell"... that's the truth. Did so today.  Soundgarden was one of those bands that I listed to and enjoyed, but I didn't run it into the ground.  It was great music, and I didn't want to burn myself out on it.  It would rotate, but I'd save it for special occasions.  When "Black Hole Sun" hit MTV, I'd find myself turning the tv so that I wouldn't get sick of it, but it became unavoidable for awhile (at least here in Indiana). I appreciate your words.  They ring true here, too.  Never got that low, but my thoughts have been dark enough.  It scares me, too.  But, I want to forge ahead for my 5 year old - she is what keeps me runnin'. All the best to you, and thank you for the music through the years. I'm sure you hear people say that your music helped them through rough times.  I believe it.  It kept me focused on doing something personally productive to develop my chops as I wore out the cassette of 'Burn My Eyes' while learning to play your riffs!  So, thank you for that. Take care, Paul From: Rochelle Mangan Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals Thank you for this, I loved reading it and am enjoying re listening to a lot of the songs and albums you mentioned with a different perspective on them (this is something I enjoy doing with music a lot, listening to things after people have told me their ideas and opinions on them etc). I just want to say though that I hate the "they had so much to live for" type comments. Even if it's done from an emotional, irrational state, I can't not say something about it. I will find it hard to express concisely and over email the many reasons why but one of the main things is this.... Mental health is hard to deal with because it's invisible, it's so easy to feel like you're a flawed person somehow rather than recognise you are actually unwell. This can mean that experiencing severe depression or whatever when everything in your life is "going great" can (in my experience) often make it so much more confusing and distressing. I'm definitely not saying it's harder to deal with if your life's great! But, if things aren't great - you've lost your job, you're struggling with a relationship etc it's easier to sort of say to yourself "well of course I'm struggling".  I feel like it's also sometimes easier for others to empathise with you if they can see some logical reasons why. It's also easier to get help from public health services (in NZ anyway). When I'm in a bad patch and I have good things happening in my life I ALWAYS find it harder to not do damaging behaviours because my external things are so at odds with what's happening internally. It's like a big war going on and it is so confusing, so exhausting, just one massive dangerous mind fuck! Anyway I hope this doesn't make you feel worse than you may already be feeling, I don't mean it to. I just feel that it's important to say these things sometimes. I know suicide can be confusing to people but as you may know, when you're there, it's not. Thank you for your ramblings and your even more amazing music. It has definitely kept me alive in a big way numerous times. Rochelle xxx From: Anita Hoeve Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals Even though I'm a Machine Head fan from the start, and I really enjoy your journals, I don't normally respond to them. Surely you have better things to do than read all the comments, but wow, this day really sucked, didn't it? I was utterly shocked to hear about Chris' passing. Even more to learn it was suicide. Feel so sad that he felt this was the only way out. I love his voice, his music, listened to Superunknown just last week. Between all the social outpourings I read today, yours really stood out. Thank you for your story, your memories. For really taking the time to share them with us. They got to me. Take care Robb, give your kids and Genevra an extra big hug tonight. Love, Anita From: "Kondalski, Joe" Subject: RE: CHRIS CORNELL To: 'The General Journals' I was at the Fox Theater last night to see Soundgarden, here are a couple of pics from the show. We were in the front row and Chris gave us fist bumps and was very engaged  with the fans during the show. Ps- these are cell phone pics, I will send some pics from my camera later. Feel free to post this pics anywhere. From: Fábio Gil Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals From a 34 year old fan boy trying to play it cool: if you need help, go and search for it and solve your shit, man. We all have demons and hard things we can't handle by ourselves, sometimes. So, for this fanboy, and millions around the world, for whom your TALENT and music inspires so fucking much, put yourself together and "headup". I have a band and we are looking for a proper singer for a time now, maybe a year... And you, dear Robb, your vocal approach, your melodies, ressonate in my head, pushing me to break my barriers and fears and step to the mic (I play of the guitars). This is how much you inspire me. And I'm... just one. Imagine what you do daily to your legion of fans. Is there anybody out there? Yea. There is. Always. From Portugal, with MUCH MUCH love, Fábio Gil. From: Jean-Baptiste Collinet Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL SPOTIFY PLAYLIST To: The General Journals Thanks for the playlist, Robb. Great choices, many almost-unknown songs. Great. Well, I tought about dropping a serious line about how Chris somehow "changed my life" (I know, that's so cliché, but I'm at loss for words, damnit). But I was too down last time you wrote about him. Not only did Chris, as a human being, kinda "redirected" me on a safer, healthier path… even if we never met (if there's heaven or hell, we may meet sometime. Let's be a hopeless optimistic-pessimist!) His music... Boy, it's just gut-tearing to think about the loss of the man who opened my mind and my ears enough to stop my technical frenzy and stage thirst for a huge while, and made me start listening instead of merely hearing. I even put aside performing for years, and I just started again maybe a few months ago. Not as a Swedish Melodeath drummer and guitarist, but as a viola da gamba soloist. Talk about a ride. It doesn't look like it, but both worlds share much more than one may think. Not sure I would have made it so far without Chris. Chris had this ability to quickly grok and understand the world and music in an unbelievably holistic way. If that's not inspiring, I don't know what is... I could go on and on, rambling. Enough. Chris has still much to "teach" us, even if he's not "there". He made me wonder if we're not the dead, wrongly thinking we're alive. How can we dare think we're right? What if the ones we think of as dead/fallen are the ones alive? Anyone has an answer to this? Jean-Baptiste Collinet @Rich Hoit I both love and hate this. I love the passion, the honesty, and the wish to not shy away from the raw and heartfelt feelings towards a fantastic front man, singer, musician, friend and man. So much respect for that. I hate the fact that it had to be written so soon 😢 Bravo, Machine Head, a great piece and a great sentiment. And thank you, Chris Cornell. @Ashley Merritt You're strong as fuck Robb because you actually wrote how you feel honestly like this, helping anyone struggling with mental illness.. it helps to know that you're not the only one and the way you feel frankly is exactly the way I do. What a trip. Being open and around good folk means everything, there's always an up after a down. Always. @Theresa Alaimo Very proud of you, Robb Flynn, Machine Head, for this tribute to Chris. A s a journalist for my magazine, Black Planet, in New Mexico, I ran for over 15 years, I too am grieving for Chris Cornell, that beautiful man with an amazing voice. During the Voivod Tour they played at a club a few blocks from my work space apartment and the promoter asked if I could steam the crab legs for Soundgarden at my place. Delivering a plate of steaming hot crab legs to the beautiful Chris and looking into his eyes, made my legs steam as well. I believe I said, "Your Majesty, I present you with steaming hot crab legs" and bowed. I was such a dork, but I was so overwhelmed by his aura. I was also at the Foundations Forum where I saw Soundgarden and met you and other great guys. I interviewed you and we all became friends and hung out with Pantera, Biohazard, Exodus, STP, Lemmy, Pearl Jam, Iron Maiden and up and coming new bands for a weekend. I still have my Scorpions beer mug they handed out from their helicopter flight, it was a great experience. Anytime you are feeling sad or depressed Robb, try to remember that you are a talented musician, a beautiful man and maybe not every woman in the world wants to fuck you, but be your friend and will listen if you need to talk. I might not ever know if you read this, Robb Flynn, but at least it's out there. We all love you and need you to stick around. We've lost too many, Dimebag, Peter Steele, Wayne Static, Scott Weiland, Layne Staley, Lemmy, just to name a few and when we barely catch our breath, then we lose another. We can't lose you too, our hearts are already broken. @Matt McDonald "And I think I'm strong, but I'm not. I'm not as strong as I project, and I'm not sure if I'm stronger than depression. Because I sink into it sometimes. And it's black. I hope I am. I need to be for my kids. For my wife... for myself." God damn that shit hit me. So personal, so profound, and so relatable. Counseling, medication, therapy... none of that is a guarantee. Whether it's a bout of sadness or full on throes of suicidal depression, sometimes the hardest part for overcoming it is simply reaching out. Be it pride, shame, guilt... find a way to overcome, find something that helps you out of the funk. Music can be so powerful, so thank you for still being here to share your deeply personal thoughts and feelings, and for continuing to make music. You never know how much it could help even just one person, I think that's reason enough to continue. Thank you! @Jennifer May It can be really hard to admit, you worry that you'll be labeled as an attention seeker or told that you just need to cowboy up and try harder to be happy. Medication is still really stigmatized and expensive, and talk therapy can seem intimidating. I'm very, very lucky and grateful that my mama works in mental health so I've had someone to help me navigate the system. RIP Chris, we lost one of the greatest today. @Phil Stein No matter how much one tries to capture the range of emotions evoked by Chris Cornell's vocals, the description falls short of what he could do and what he could convey. Let alone the beauty, poignancy and power that he could generate. It was like hearing a 5 course gourmet dinner from appetizer through dessert - it was varied and more than that delicious vocally. Thanks for the great description and memorial For Chris Robb. It's so on point and fitting. Perfectly stated!!! @Mark Garcia It's the asshole in me but I will never grieve for someone who takes their own life. I can appreciate all the words from fans and I may not have been a fan of sound garden some of the songs were worth listening to. This band as well as the grunge "sound" never resonated with me so maybe that's why as well. @Jimmy James Brute honesty again from mr Flynn. Bravo this is why we love you and machine head. Depression does fucking suck and you don't shy away from talking about it. RIP Chris Cornell! Man I was actually a big soundgarden fan back in the 90s before discovering metal. @Siri LH Thank you for your honesty and reflections! Highly interesting to read. I can relate to the sadness and the mind fuck. Soundgarden was the band that sparked my love for heavy music. I've been depressed myself and always felt comfort in listening to Chris Cornell's voice. It resonated with my mind. The darkness felt lighter when I put on a Soundgarden album. I was comforted, like someone got my mood. Whenever I've felt lost, I've put on some Soundgarden and found myself again. Soundgarden feels like the essence of my being and I will always be deeply grateful for their music, and for Cornell's voice, lyrics and mood. I've seen them live once and I smiled the whole show through. Eternal love for Chris Cornell and Soundgarden <3 My heart goes out to his loved ones. @Austin Kokel I saw them on Lollapalooza '96, and I'm glad to hear you say what I felt at that show. I was only 15, but I had Badmotorfinger and Superunknown and I absolutely loved both and was right up front. The band was definitely in a funk, and the bassist was an asshole, spitting on and insulting the crowd (and bot in the fun Ramones way I experienced an hour earlier). I try to explain their set to people now, and I can't. I'm glad to hear my 20+ year old sentiments echoed. That said, I always wondered about him after that day, but I never saw this coming either, not this far down the road. Thanks for your honesty and insight, Robb. We love you. We love Machine Fucking Head. Be strong. @J Ake Hess You've expressed so many feelings and thoughts rattling around in my head today that I just couldn't find words to put to. Cornell will always be uniquely amazing and in a class​ by himself. I was listening to his cover of Prince's Nothing Compares 2 You just last night and letting myself become entranced by his unique sound and incredible voice. Today I am sad, angry, and a bit enthralled with my own mortality. Nobody is immune and sometimes the struggle is too much for even the people with everything to live for. I can't imagine what his family is feeling today. Beyond tragic… @Steffan Chirazi No-one can be sure why he is dead, and when it is appropriate, we will know. But depression is a very, very real thing. It is a part of life, but for some, it carries deadly lows and utterly crushing weight along with a gravitational pull into darkness that many of us cannot fathom. I sometimes fight the rabbit hole. I see it, I feel it, I flirt with its edges, but then I bury my head in the dog or hug the cat or take deep breathes and get outside and find a piece of mental architecture to grab hard, fast and haul myself out. I am very lucky. I am slightly brushed with depression and anxiety, but fortunately I am always able to find the light. Fortunately I still retain enough of my natural mental antibodies to find the path out quickly and efficiently. There is no doubt that age makes that path harder to find sometimes, as a consequence of both the physical being and some of the inevitabilities which come with your 50s (such as more people in your circle dying). Others are not so lucky. It isn't because they 'don't want to' or 'aren't trying hard enough' or 'don't love their familes' or anything remotely like that. It isn't ever for the lack of trying. It is because depression (and anxiety) are a crushing, debilitating disease which this country, this planet, seems largely unable to recognize. We push people to the outer regions of anxiety and depression with no care that there are some who fall headfirst into a rabbit hole tornado and only through regular (and possibly unrecognized miracles) find themselves hurled into the escape bunker as opposed to the abyss. Yeah. Imagine that. A tornado that escalates within minutes from a slight, chilly breeze, a tornado that offers no pattern as to when it will appear. And imagine that the only help which can come your way is a bunker miraculously opening up beneath your feet and drawing you to a womb of safety until the tornado passes… ...Often, people with clinical depression will self-medicate. Not because they 'like to fucking party' but because there is no other way out. It's 'easier' to take a swig, take a pill, take a hit. It keeps the darkness in the distance and the tornado (when it pops up) is smashed into smithereens by the 'medicine’. Let me, by the way, be VERY clear. I am NOT saying he was doing ANY of that. He had his dances back in the old days, ones he has been very open about. But I thought he had left that behind. I honestly don't know but feel he had for some time. Whatever eh? Because we judge anyway. Yet we judge. We judge in all senses and all ways. Why do they do that? Why do they behave that way? Who do they think they are? Why can't they just cheer up...? Why are they being such an asshole? Yeah, cheer up will ya? You're handsome or pretty or rich or famous or successful or ALL of those things. Come on. All you gotta do is think about how much worse so many other people have it. Who do you think you are? There are people with 'real' problems out there… I heard the same shit about Cobain and Staley. Listen, does anyone really believe that they wanted to go? That they didn't with every sinew wish in their more lucid moments that they could find a way out? Of course not. Pain is one thing, emotional pain is a whole other ball of wax, but add that to a chemical equation in your DNA that can (without warning) turn your colours to black and white, your peripheral vision to a short, narrow tunnel and which leaves your light feeling cold-negative and it is clear to see that this disease is both monstrous and potentially crippling. The thing with tornados is that when you're in one, they don't afford you the 'luxury' of contemplation. Especially when it is your own chemicals, your own imbalances through no fault of your own, which rise from nowhere to envelope you in that tornado; I never heard of anyone caught in one who was able to see straight, let alone reason with themselves. Fortunately some find their way out. They discover a regular path out of the fog, and they can stick to it. That is not to judge people who cannot; every situation is different. But some simply can't. They try and try and try again. Maybe they achieve success in escaping dark moments, and maybe they eradicate self-medication and triggers from their lives with the help of great local support. However there are never guarantees. Again, I don't know why he died. I spent a little time with him here and there, enough to know that for years, there was a dark moodiness which expressed itself via his generally quiet way and rich lyrics. Later on he certainly spruced himself up, chucked in the deeper self-medications, and seemed a lot more comfortable with life than when he wrote the semi-self-ridiculing "Jesus Christ Pose" but what did I know? Apparently not much at all… ...If you see a friend struggling, if you sense or feel a friend or family member is drifting near a rabbit hole, please, check-in with them. However you have to, either directly or just create an excuse to see them, to talk to them. We are so emotionally guarded that we perhaps see it as 'intruding' or 'sticking our noses in'. Know your friends. Know your family. Be kind whenever you can with them, have a laugh or crack a shit joke. But touch base. Do it today. Much love to everyone who suffers and is either marginalized, trivialized or simply ignored. Much love to those getting assistance in their ongoing battle. Subscribe to The General Journals: http://thegeneraljournals.hosted.phplist.com/lists/?p=subscribe

[realpeacelovevibes]

My Anxiety Story

In honor of May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm going to get deeply honest with you. In 2014 I may have looked extremely healthy and well off being 20 pounds lighter than I am now... but I was not. I was extremely sick and everyday was such an intense struggle to be happy and enjoy life. While I did not have an eating disorder or anything like that... I was mentally very unwell. My life consisted of me feeling like I was always about to die. I had the most intense panic disorder you could imagine. Everyday was like living in a nightmare. I did everything I thought I should do to combat it (excercise, meditation, yoga) and the truth is... nothing worked... or if it did... it didn't last. I never saw a doctor because I convinced myself it was my own fault and something I could control. I was working at a swim school for children and I would be in the pool with these kids whose lives were in my care if they couldn't float, and I would feel my heart drop in my chest all of a sudden... that was a trigger and adrenaline realeased and then all bets were off... FULL ON PANIC MODE!!! ... suddenly I couldn't breathe, I was dizzy, my heart was pounding and uneven in my chest. I had to get out of the pool. This meant everyone had to get out in my lane. The disappointment in myself that I felt just sucked. Letting these kids down, my management team. At first I thought I could control it and it would stop.. but I ended up having to quit because it I couldn't, and It didn't! A part of me really loved that job and changing kids lives... teaching them a life skill. the love and excitement certain ones had to see you every week... it was an extremely rewarding job. The managers were also extremely understanding and never shamed me for not being able to do my job because of how I felt. I was very honest with them and they were very supportive and I appreciate that so much but I decided myself it wasn't physically possible for me anymore. I felt helpless and so so so very weak... but I had for a while. I kept on living my life from that point on stuck in my room, too afraid to move. I got a puppy named Cooper in May 2015. He was 4 months old and had been abused and mistreated. He was the sweetest boy and became my trusty companion. He got me to go outside more (though for short periods of time) I felt a little better... we helped each other. We really did. He didn't know how to walk really, his toe nails were brown and he was skinny with a pudgy stomach. I got him on better food, took him for walks and have him the love he deserved! He was my cuddle buddy and companion. It definitely helped me beyond measure. I taught him to run and play and be a regular dog, and he helped calm me and support me. If I became afraid I could just hold him and love on him and it made me feel better. Though I had Cooper... I still had these panic attacks where I started to feel the beginnings of a disassociation from my environment and I began to not recognize anything It felt like I was in a dream or another alternate dimension... I was convinced "something was off" and wrong about reality. My body heated up like it was on fire and I had to remove my clothes and open the front door and lay in the doorway because the window wasn't cool enough. Once the panic episode was over and I came back to earth that's when I realized I really needed to get help! I couldn't put this off anymore and try to control it. I had completely lost what control I had left over myself as time went on. So, yes, eventually (after 2 years of this torture) I got to the point where I realized this is NOT just me, and my thoughts creating this... there's something fundamentally wrong... my brain is not functioning like a normal person. That was a huge, huge, moment. With the stigma that surrounds mental illness it can be hard to admit defeat and say... this is a bit beyond my own control... and that I Need Help! When I was able to do this my life changed. I saw a doctor and I was put on an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) or commonly referred to as an 'anti-depressant'... Lexapro...though clearly my problem was not depression, it was anxiety. At first I was extremely skeptical but then I did research and I thought about it and realized what this medicine actually does. When you have constant/chronic anxiety and fear it is because the chemicals in your brain are unbalanced. SSRIs actually even out the serotonin in your brain to the levels it should be and nothing more. After a few weeks I noticed changes right away... I was no longer constantly in fear. I could breathe normally again! I didn't feel agoraphobic about anywhere outside my bedroom anymore! I got my life back. Honestly, the medicine does have its draw backs... like emotions tend to be more muted... I rarely cry (I used to be a big cryer lol), I gained weight, and sex drive is not as strong( it's not non existent just not super high)... all these things... though they may be slightly bothersome at times is nothing in comparison to how I used to live and I wouldn't trade anything to go back to that state of fear I used to live in constantly. I'm really happy now, though I still have anxiety in certain situations ( like driving on the 405 ) it's completely manageable. The important thing is that I still feel like me, and my life is in my hands again and I'm not hiding from reality! It's important to not be ashamed of our struggles because believe me everyone has them, and sharing them can really bring understanding, love, and bring us all together despite our other differences. I hope this story inspires someone whose going through mental illness to not be afraid to tell people and seek help. It doesn't make you weak, or any less than anyone else. It actually makes you strong to go out and deal with your problems because humans ... yeah we all have problems and I think if you deny them and push them under the rug it means you are weaker. Strong are those who are unapologetically themselves, faults and all. Those who truly love you and care about you will still be there (thank you Christian and Mom, I love you!) That's all that matters. You sharing your story can make a difference in someone else's life. These struggles made you the bad ass you are today! It made you stronger! Be proud of yourself for how far you have come! Much love to all! Alanna

[aurea-corde]

this is me

Hello! 

I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Yux. I’m 18 and was born in Singapore but moved to Australia in 2006 and have been living there ever since. 

Here are some fast facts about me: 

I’m an INFJ although the F/J is usually around 50/50

I’m an avid book reader/lover. 

I’m Asian-Australian 

I believe in soul mates, but don’t think they are restricted to the romantic kind 

I am a fast paced human bean

My Chronic Disease story: 

Recently I was diagnosed with non-radiographic spondylo-arthritis which is form of arthritis that mainly affects the spine and large joints like the hip. It had been a late diagnosis as I’ve been suffering with joint pain since 2015. 

This diagnosis didn’t come as a shock, months ago I had given up playing sport and could no longer exercise. My sleep was interrupted every night, 4-5 times a night I would wake up because of the pain. I had to quit my part time job because I couldn’t stand for long periods of time. My attendance at school had dropped because some days the pain was so bad I couldn’t get out of bed.  I stopped playing cello because my wrists were no longer strong enough, and it was only April of 2016 that I went on my second music tour to Italy to perform as principal cellist. 

By late August of 2016 I was diagnosed by a rheumatologist and began treatment. I began on the slow and often ineffective Naproxen which affected my ability to concentrate and did little to help with the pain. During school exams I had to read multiple choice questions 6 times in order to get it into my head, my concentration was non-existent. Previously I had been a fast and avid reader, usually digesting a book every week or so but this stopped too. Slowly and slowly I had to give up so much of what I believed to make up who I was as a person.

In between visiting the doctor, studying for exams and giving up a lot of my interests and hobbies (physically) my boyfriend at the time told me that he couldn’t cope with “me being sick”. And so in that already difficult month I lost a relationship too. A relationship with him, with myself and with all my physical passions. 

I turned 18 in September and through the whole month I felt like I was nothing, an empty pistachio husk of who I used to be. All my successes, accomplishments and the things that made me who I was no longer existed or could continue to exist in the same way. I was on new medication and now had a cane. I couldn’t walk for more than 10-15 minutes without it. I was cold all the time and had lost weight because the meds took away my appetite. 

In October I met a boy. Although this is another story I thought it was important to mention him because his support will be significant later on. 

Our final high school exams began during the month of November. I live in Western Australia, so these were called WACE. Exams are tough even for normal able bodied people that do not have medical conditions, mental illnesses or disabilities. This set of exams were incredibly arduous for me as the Schools Curriculum Board decided to deny my special exam conditions, only allowing for me to have non-working time even though I had specifically requested the use of a keyboard as I couldn’t write for more than 20 mins before the pain got so bad that my hands would shake and I was no longer able to hold a pen, let alone write anything legible. Even with the rest breaks I only ended up finishing 30% of each of my exams and missed my last exam. This of course left me distraught because I’d always been the type to push myself academically, and in anything that I had set out to do. 

I felt incredibly disappointed in myself. Although I had never been a fan of standardised testing, I had work hard throughout the year in order to prove myself and display my capabilities. I had believed wholeheartedly that the Schools Curriculum Board set out to give every student an equal and fair opportunity to perform to the best of their abilities. I felt as if I had been discounted and completely forsaken.

I had the privilege to be educated, to go through secondary schooling only to not perform the best I could. I was letting down myself, my parents, my friends and all those kids that didn’t have the opportunities to attend school. Of course, in reality no one saw it that way. They told me that I was strong and brave for still turning up to the exams even though I knew that less than half the paper would be completed. 

It wasn’t till a close friend told me that I should focus on doing the best of my abilities in the circumstances I was in. It stuck with me. So even after all the chatter after each exam I would go home, chant that mantra, watch a movie and live another day. 

“A number does not define me. An exam does not define me. I am doing better than I think I am.”

When my exams finished I focused on renewing the untouchable core that I knew was within me. The fire that burned from within that could not be extinguished by comparatively small troubles. For such a long time I felt like I was less than enough, not in the eyes of others but in my own eyes. I was less of me, or rather less of what I used to be. 

It wasn’t before long that I got sick of feeling sorry for myself. I decided to not settle for less. Yes, I’d gone through some shit in the last couple of months but this was not how I was going to let it end - this was a learning curve. This was the sandstorm in Murakami’s “Kafka on the Shore” and I was going to come out stronger than ever. 

I had forgotten that I was a whole person; and although so much of me felt empty and like a failure I had succeeded already by being me. I found tiny victories in getting out of bed, eating a whole bowl of food, going to school even if it was for half a day. 

A disease does not define me, my successes and accomplishments do not make me who I am. Under all the onion layers and walls I built up there is the untouchable core. There is the bookworm girl and nothing will ever change that. 

Now:

In December I flew home to Singapore, 5kg less than my normal weight and have been here for nearly 2 months now. Although on new meds, my body is coping as well as I can hope. There was a lot of anxiety in the lead up to this trip. I found myself having an unexpected amount of existential crises, more than the norm. There is significant worry that can be expected in the coming of age of many young people in society today. I booked my plane tickets wholeheartedly believing that the distance away from home would help me find some inner peace - a kind of pilgrimage to the untouchable core. An Onsen spa for my mind. 

Having arthritis and chronic pain is difficult to say the least. But it has taught me so much about who I am in times of trouble and my capability to rise from the ‘ashes’. The pain and struggle has inspired me to discover the ‘new’ me, even though it has always been the same me - I am finally able to look it in the face and say “hello”.

My Advice for people who suffer from a chronic disease: 

1. Assess your support system:

My parents have been a pillar of support. Reminding me every day that I am unconditionally loved. Unconditionally loved meaning that no exam, no hardship, no number and no disease could ever change their unwavering love and support they have for me. My friends have always believed in me and continue to do so everyday. They held my hands when I could not open pasta sauce jars, the listened to me rant about how I hate being in my own body, they loved me and read my angst filled poems. 

Your loved ones may not always be able to or fully understand what it is like to be in a sick person’s body but they will always support and love you. Let them in, let them love you because you deserve to be loved by them. 

2. Educate yourself about your disease. 

It is important to know what is making you unwell. When you are seeing the doctor or going for blood tests, picking up prescriptions; do so with an open mind and with listening ears. Learn about treatments, management plans, new diets, medication, exercises, see those specialists, spend time to learn about it. 

3. Dig yourself out of the self pity. 

Yes I know, it really sucks. Its hard and sometimes you want to give up but you can’t. You may not get better, be cured or go back to normal life but you can try. I don’t know you and I won’t ever understand how hard it is for you because I’m not in your body but I can tell you this: self pity is not a proven effective treatment in any disease or mental illness.

Sitting there feeling sorry for yourself every single day is not going to help you in any way. There are so many things you can do to help. Accomplish something small everyday, even if it is tying your shoelaces, having a hot shower, making a cup of tea, watching a whole movie without falling asleep. DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY AND MAKE YOU FEEL WHOLE. 

Yes you are unwell, being sick sucks but you can do things that you still enjoy that will make you happy. A positive outlook and being resilient will make enduring all the pain and tiredness easier. 

4.One word: Self-love 

A poem I wrote: 

I 

“We might die from medication but we sure did kill all the pain" 

I stood in the doorway for a moment

pausing to calculate 

if this is so, and that was so

A whole year has past

and not long before 

I stood trembling,

beneath such a fear 

That it would be the end of all I knew 

II

and so nothing I became

simply vanished into the

outline of this is so

forming the endless void 

of a shadow of that was so 

I crossed those plains and 

mountains

across oceans, aboard planes.

Drinking wine like it was a new oxygen. 

III 

now I stand in the same doorway

replaying to count

this time, and that time

not wishing to mis-remember 

all the things that came to be

and so this was so. 

_____________________________________

Thank you for listening to my story and thank you for Mimi for creating a platform of voices. If you read all of that another big thank you. 

I am here to listen to you too. 

Love,

Yux (@acidist)

[fitnesswomenshealth-blog]

The UK Is Getting a Much Needed 'Medical Cannabis Society'

New Post has been published on https://cialiscom.org/the-uk-is-getting-a-much-needed-medical-cannabis-society.html

The UK Is Getting a Much Needed 'Medical Cannabis Society'

A protest exterior Parliament contacting for access to professional medical cannabis. Photograph: Mark Kerrison / Alamy Reside News

The UK’s main clinical cannabis specialist is establishing a society to increase doctors’ being familiar with of cannabis medications, right after it emerged that only two chronically unwell young children have been granted access to medical hashish below an interim panel set up by the federal government, VICE can expose.

The unwillingness of doctors and hospitals to propose patients be dealt with with health care cannabis follows a letter by an influential doctors’ organisation which proposed that “cannabis-linked products and solutions” could trigger mind hurt.

Mike Barnes, the neurologist who supported six-year-outdated epileptic Alfie Dingley’s profitable software for health care cannabis, criticised the basis of the assert from the British Paediatric Neurology Affiliation (BPNA), which represents doctors who care for small children with challenging epilepsies in the Uk.

“They have mentioned that THC is dangerous to the creating brain, which I have to say is a complete misinterpretation,” he claimed. “They are erroneous to say that. The evidence that health-related hashish can be practical to deal with agony, spasticity, nausea, vomiting, chemotherapy and epilepsy is very strong.”

The BPNA’s intervention came months right after the governing administration issued a license for a severely epileptic boy, Billy Caldwell, to be treated with hashish oil, implicitly recognising the therapeutic benefit of hashish medications. The governing administration later declared that hashish-derived medicinal merchandise will be lawfully prescribed to sufferers with “an exceptional clinical will need”, and released a panel to regulate purposes till a new extensive-ranging procedure arrives into spot at some position throughout autumn.

On the other hand, several are not able to get the prerequisite assist from health care industry experts to make an software. All-around 20,000 little ones in the United kingdom have epileptic ailments that do not answer to standard medications, although tens of thousands extra are living with illnesses that could be treated with hashish medicines.

A billboard telling Alfie Dingley’s story. Picture: Amer Ghazzal / Alamy Reside Information

At the moment, 15 people are in contact with Finish Our Pain, a primary marketing campaign to legalise professional medical cannabis, immediately after they ended up not able to get backing from their regional NHS trusts or their medical doctor. Some families have been in a position to make programs, but were turned down soon after 5 months of nervous waiting.

“When the authorities declared that an professional professional medical panel would be set up to take into consideration urgent apps for authorization to utilize for a licence to use medicinal hashish, it looked like a beneficial result for families like ours,” says Ilmarie Braun, whose 3-12 months-aged son, Eddie, has a rare type of intractable epilepsy that cannabis oil gives reduction from. “But the federal government unsuccessful to issue any guidance to NHS trusts throughout the state about the reason of the panel, or the software procedure, so it fell to specific families to try to teach their medical practitioners.”

In get to be granted entry to sure hashish-dependent medications, individuals ought to reveal that “extraordinary medical will need” in their individual situations – a clause some medical practitioners have understood to mean sufferers ought to show that just about every single other anti-epileptic drug hasn’t worked.

“Some doctors are interpreting the regulations to mean you need to have tried out all 21 anticonvulsant prescription drugs before you can try out hashish, which just isn’t correct at all,” claims Barnes.

An onus is also placed on families to demonstrate that the possible medication is efficient, which means they must have previously absent abroad to lawfully purchase and check it at their very own cost – some thing which lots of both do not have the assets to do, or simply cannot do since they are much too unwell to journey.

Braun thinks her son’s application – a single of the handful gained by the panel – was refused on this basis, considering the fact that the only licenses granted so significantly have been to individuals who have been capable to depart the British isles.

Other folks, these as Emma Matthews, would like to utilize, but seemingly simply cannot because her family has not fatigued all other achievable alternatives. Her 15-year-aged son, Louis, has a intricate strain of epilepsy which is however to be properly diagnosed, and his clinical workforce are insisting he to start with tries each individual possible treatment method, like a pacemaker-like generator.

“He’s been presented seven unique anti-epileptic prescription drugs, which have all brought about horrible aspect results and manufactured his seizures even worse,” she tells me. “His electricity stages are virtually non-existent, and his cognition and memory have been significantly afflicted. Louis’ professionals are not able to implement for a specific license simply because they have to indicator a thing which says all other regular possibilities have been attempted. This signifies about 5 extra medicines and an implant which electrically stimulates nerves, a vagus nerve stimulator (VNS).

“Each individual new medicine normally takes months to titrate and weeks to wean off, in the course of which Louis will endure rebound seizures, serious clusters and a intense sort of seizure named standing epilepticus, which wants crisis health care remedy. Final thirty day period he was in healthcare facility 2 times, at the time with position epilepticus. The hazards of unexpected unexplained loss of life in epilepsy and mind harm from these seizures is very substantial. Not allowing him the only medicine that may well support him just will make no sense.”

Barnes recognises that doctors, several of whom understandably do not have any experience in cannabis medicine, might be unwilling to propose it. Nonetheless, he is discouraged that some have picked to overlook the rising system of proof – as properly as a prosperity of anecdotal studies.

“There is sizeable proof that use of THC in the producing mind can induce destruction to IQ, mental health and brain composition,” the BPNA letter examine. “These modifications may perhaps be lasting,” they concluded, even with recognising that cannabis oils may perhaps have anti-epileptic consequences.

Barnes questioned regardless of whether the BPNA realised that alternatively of currently being superior-THC and reduced-CBD, like a great deal avenue hashish, professional medical cannabis items commonly involve really tiny quantities of THC.

“There is some evidence that large-THC, lower-CBD avenue hashish does bring about extended phrase cognitive damage between heavy leisure, mainly male, buyers commencing in adolescence, nonetheless there are other reports that have refuted that,” he clarifies. “CBD counteracts the impact of THC, so there is correctly no hazard of these children finding cognitive problems from the small bit of THC we are suggesting. It really is absolutely illogical to say, ‘You are not able to have THC because it causes brain problems, but you can have this drug that results in mind hurt, and you can continue on to have seizures which also cause mind injury.'”

Barnes is to launch the British Medical Cannabis Society in November. It is establishing the “Anslinger schooling programme”, the only these scheme of its kind in the United kingdom, which will be free of charge to all doctors, and which he hopes will be accredited by the Royal University of GPs.

Anslinger was, according to Barnes, mostly dependable for demonising hashish in the early 1920s and 30s, so the name represents a thinly veiled barb toward him.

Hannah Deacon, mother of Alfie Dingley and spokesperson for Conclude Our Pain, thinks that the technique should really be significantly simpler for people to access recommended healthcare cannabis – a complaint that Barnes’ new culture seeks to redress.

“Men and women are struggling sufficient without more hurdles in their way,” she suggests. “This medication could assist so several and help save the NHS so a great deal money. I hope the authorities do the ideal issue and assistance patients to get far a lot easier access and teach medical practitioners urgently.”

She points out that her son, Alfie, experienced clusters of seizures for decades and was taken care of with IV steroids, which she states “can destroy you, set you into organ failure or give you psychosis”. Soon after Alfie commenced making use of total extract cannabis oil he has been seizure-free of charge, with his dad and mom looking at a phenomenal advancement in his affliction – a single that has permitted him to return to university and dwell a rather typical everyday living.

Past 7 days, the Labour MP Tonia Antoniazzi accused Home Secretary Sajid Javid of only shelling out “lip provider to two significant-profile scenarios”, and urged Theresa May to “present authentic management”. This adopted a report on BuzzFeed that said the Residence Business office established a swift reaction system to solve immigration situations that were being generating poor publicity.

A House Office environment spokesperson claimed: “We absolutely sympathise with the family members who have been dealing with determined conditions as they check out to come across remedy. The panel will be seeking for the expert clinician to display that there are extraordinary scientific instances.”

@matthabusby

Source connection

[fragileyetstrong-blog]

why i chose ballet

The reason I have decided to choose the subject area of ballet is because it is something that is a very big part of my life and always has been. Therefore I am very educated and can retrieve an abundance of primary research.

My initial thoughts were how I want to overcome stereotypes or show how ballet dancers are not always what you think they are.  Personally I do not fit the typical ballet stereotype by the way I dress, my dialect and my lifestyle choices and I think this is interesting because as soon as I am in a leotard or on stage performing it is like my true personality is taken away. The characteristics I usually have that make me Darci are stripped from me and all that is left is my body, my technique and my emotion that I portray. When dancing you have to use a lot of emotion especially when dancing as a character to fulfil the role and because there is no speaking in ballet this must be achieved through body language. It can be difficult because you may dance a role that is the opposite of how you usually act and therefore you create a whole new false persona.  

However when you are dancing there is a whole new emotion that I do not experience at any other time in my life. You are constantly striving to improve and progress because there is never an end point and perfection never seems achievable. You may reach your goal but as soon as you have reached that you will set a higher goal, it is an endless cycle. But with the music and adrenaline and the way you are controlling your body, it can put you in a state of ecstasy whilst you are in agonising pain. People do ballet because they love ballet.

As a 19 year old it may seem unusual that I continue to dance but not training to be a professional because that is usually the reason why people train their whole lives to lead up to be in a big company. I decided rather young that I didn’t want to do ballet as a career and people questioned this a lot and still do now. I have had the potential from a young age and would have been successful with auditions and could be an amazing dancer right now, but I didn’t want ballet to be my only focus and to control my life. If I were to train to just be a dancer and if I didn’t make it I would have nothing to fall back on and this scares me too much. Also I feared the competitive nature of ballet dancers because it is all about competition; competing against one another as well as competing against yourself. I have been raised to have happiness as my priority in life and I knew if I were to go into dance I would be unhappy majority of them time. I would have to watch extremely carefully what I eat, how much I weigh, exercise, my figure to fulfil the appearance of a classical ballerina as well as many lifestyle choices and I didn’t want these restrictions especially from age 10.

I have seen friends join companies and then a year later quit due to illness and injuries. Girls are asked to be a certain size and if genetically they don’t have a high metabolism or the figure or the correct height, there is a very good chance they’re not going to make it in the ballet industry. I find this unfair because this means there will be so many missed opportunities for beautifully talented dancers just because of the way they were born. Puberty is also a big issue with girls because training from a young age they may have the perfect body and suddenly they morph with no choice whatsoever.

By having a company of dancers that all look the same this means for corps de ballet everyone will be uniform in order to create the aesthetic and no one to stand out. Also for pas de deux if all males are the same and females are the same this means that any female can be partnered with any male with no height or weight issues, however this cannot always be prevented if you have exceptionally talented dancers who defy the appearance criteria.

The combat ballet dancers have with themselves is ongoing; ballet is tough on the mind as well as on the body. Injuries are a big part of a dancer’s life; they are constantly injured because they push their bodies too hard in ways their body shouldn’t move. Ballet is extremely unnatural for example an arabesque is completely defying the human bone structure but still you strive for the leg to be as high as possible which requires flexibility and turn out which you may not naturally have and therefore have to work for it to have the appearance of a perfect arabesque.

So not only bones, joints and tendons but also feet are completely unavoidable of being destroyed whilst doing pointe work. Toenails being removed surgically, blisters galore and bruising are just the average for a dancer. Dancers go for hours on end rehearsing and practicing in pointe shoes exerting themselves with barely any food or drink which is dangerous but it is just the norm and this is just overlooked. The pain mixed with the lack of food and weakness can just result in dancers collapsing or vomiting and making themselves very unwell but the dancer will not change their ways because it is all about bettering yourself.

But what I find really inspiring is that although all if this is going on behind the scenes, when you see a ballet performance this doesn’t come to mind at all. When you are watching it is just the most beautiful, elegant visual experience that really makes you feel a certain way. With the accompaniment of the music, costume and set it just pieces together all the hard work the dancer has put in.

I really want to look at the female form of ballet dancers and the strain they put their bodies through in order to look like that through diet, exercise and lifestyle choices. Although there are a lot of professionals who are very healthy physically and mentally, there is still a good chance that they have had an issue with their appearance at some point.

It’s not being self-conscious in a leotard that makes people change they’re body, it is entirely trying to build up certain muscles to have strength rather than make your body look a certain way.

Seeing your body next to someone else’s body who is better than yours does put you down, but personally I can overcome this because thankfully I am blessed with a slim physique, however I do put it down to dance. If I were to put on weight it would upset me which is wrong, however I cannot help how I feel. Currently I do not do any exercise to change my figure, however in the past I have gone through stages of waking up early to do abdominal exercises in order to achieve a flatter lower abdomen but I came to the realisation I didn’t need to do this to make me happy so I stopped because it was depriving me of sleep and put extra pressure of my back and therefore was unhealthy.

I say I do not watch my diet, but I certainly do, I’m just not obsessive over it. I will always aim to eat my 5 a day and have a balanced diet but I do still eat junk food regularly for enjoyment and drink alcohol which I know is extremely calorific but I can see past this. Although I know dancers who do restrict themselves rather severely:

“In ballet class I used to always feel self conscious about my back and chest being on show as I struggled with body acne. It got to the point where I was so embarrassed I decided to do something about it. The doctor prescribed me a one and a half year course of drugs to help cure my acne. They worked so well and after the course finished I was only left with faint scarring. However, due to the hormone imbalance within these drugs I quickly but subtly started putting on weight after coming off­ the course. I was back to square one again, l was nervous to go to ballet class as I wasn’t as slim as I used to be, or as slim as my class friends, and my desired figure for general life and for ballet had disappeared. After being given the lead role in the upcoming ballet company show, and knowing I’d be dancing with a boy, I decided a change was needed. Not a drastic change but a small adaptation to my diet which I hoped would help me shed a few pounds and get back to where I used to be. So I decided to cut all refined sugars. No cake, biscuits, sweets, chocolate etc. Only natural sources. I kept it under wraps for the first 2 months, I knew that as a ballet dancer many people would stereotypically associate my dietary change with a possible drastic eating disorder if they knew about it. I kept it to myself and carried on maintaining a strong will power and going to the gym to help boost my metabolism. Now 3 months later, I’ve lost 1.5 stone and am at a healthy and happy weight and body shape. A body that is toned and strong. A body that has allowed me to be a powerful but elegant ballet dancer without feeling the need to be stick thin”

Injuries are a very big part of a dancer’s life, especially for a professional it could be the difference between making it or never being a famous successful dancer. I suffer issues with my knees, wrists and spine due to hypermobility, but these issues are majorly exaggerated due to dance. My bendy back means I can achieve a perfect cambré but it causes me issues with other elements to dancing and therefore it has its advantages and disadvantages.

9 months ago I had an operation to remove a tumour the size of a small football attached to my ovary named a thecoma which is extremely rare. Since puberty I have constantly had issues with my hormones and whenever I have gone to seek medical advice I have always been discriminated against due to my petite frame and the fact that I am a ballet dancer. Doctors always try to dig deep for me to admit I have issues with food due to my size and I have to have my mother with me to back me up that I do actually eat 3 meals a day with a balanced diet containing plenty of nutrition. This has always upset me but never as much until my operation. Because I do not fit the physical polycystic ovary syndrome symptoms, it meant that the Doctor would not put me in to have a scan of my ovaries and it turns out that if I had of had this scan the tumour would have been spotted a year prior to it haemorrhaging and causing me a great deal of suffering. I was nil by mouth for 7 days waiting for my operation the emergency list and if it weren’t for me being strong with a healthy diet, there could have been life threatening consequences and therefore by doing ballet it pretty much saved my life. However ballet also was against me because my abdominal wall was so hard it meant that the tumour did not protrude and therefore not visible and so I was not aware of it. Also it was ballet that actually caused it to haemorrhage because two days prior I had been rehearsing cygnets from Swan Lake which is extremely difficult and really pushes the body to its limits and in this case my tumour. Therefore I want to look into how ballet has both assisted me as well as limited me.