#I managed to gib him dis

[reginrokkr]

weeps It's been done...

[humanoidtyphoons]

Interesting thing about the Yamcha's death pose meme from someone that's watched the full Dragon Ball series, there's actually several things about it are lost in the pop culture versions:

For one its actually a very serious and tragic scene, with Yamcha's friends breaking down as they watch him die after he's killed by one of the enemy soldiers doing a suicide attack.

Yamcha actually acts very heroic there as Krillin (main character) was going to fight the enemy forces, but Yamcha noted that the Dragonballs can only revive someone once and Krillin already died once, so it'd be safer if he went ahead first. (The only reason why this plan didn't work is the Dragon Balls were lost).

The mook that killed him, the Saibaman/Cultivar was actually really strong, like it was as strong as the villain Goku had just sacrificed himself to beat Raditz. Powerscaling is wack, yo!

Yamcha more or less wins the battle against the Saibaman & its only when it manages to get up one last time & self destruct Yamcha without warning that he dies. Do note, this would've killed any other character there outside of Piccolo and the self destruct ability was something everyone was unaware of!

If anything its impressive, Yamcha's corpse was not only in one piece, but unblemished, even his hair was still neat. The Saibaman was gibbed by the explosion.

But basically nuance can be lost in pop culture/memes. That reminds me, I think Yamcha gets a villain ship in Super Dragon Ball Heroes.

v. true. nuance is often lost for the meme, and often the context is entirely removed it’s fascinating to see what sticks and what doesn’t. i’m curious to know what villain ship yamcha gets! i’ve heard of frieza/yamcha, but idk if that was meant as pure crackiness tho.

i’ve watched dragon ball up to gt! i’m very charmed by its nonsense! haven’t seen kai, super or any additional shows, tho! but ty for the extra details on the events surrounding yamcha’s death. tbh i’ve always liked yamcha for deciding he’s reached his limit and becoming a baseball player instead, and is still part of the z warriors family. (it is insane that the saibaman were as powerful as raditz, but then again… this is dbz we’re talking about!) but you’re right, it was genuinely sad to watch, even knowing that he can return to life later on.

still… dragon ball’s true villain/hero ship… krillin/18!!! so cute and chaotic during the cell arc! they really did make me laugh from start to finish. i can’t really call the androids anti-villains for most of that saga, but they were a fun spinning wrench that remained unpredictable til the end.

[lemonhemlock]

Out of our main cast of people who do you think should become the ruler? (/2)

(Sorry just wanted to elaborate)

I'm going to use this ask as an opportunity to evaluate the HotD characters individually, since I suspect this is what you crazy cats want anyway! You can read my general thoughts on the matter here (Part I)

What we need to keep in mind with thought exercises like this is that, for people who are down the line of succession to become King/Queen, many other members of their family need to die, so that might leave them in a much more traumatized state and directly affect their ruling abilities. Furthermore, as a result of GRRM not understanding how children work, a lot of these characters are very young and haven't had a chance to prove themselves as a potential candidate, so there is simply not enough information.

I will say this, though - legal debates over Aegon's and Rhaenyra's claim can be conducted until kingdom come, but it doesn't change the fact that Aegon is the option that leads to the least amount of bloodshed. Rhaenyra's rule will always be threatened by her trueborn brothers. Aegon's rule would never be threatened by Rhaenyra's, because no one IRL would actually believe Rhaenyra has a better claim.

During the Anarchy, Stephen fought Matilda for years over the crown and he had less of a claim than Aegon. This notion that the greens are "usurping" the throne is absurd. It is not misogynistic to recognize Aegon's superior claim; it is borne out of the absence of codifying absolute primogeniture within a feudalistic patriarchal system that functions based on common law.

Alas, here we go.

Greens

Aegon II - I have spoken about this before in my House Hightower post, but I suspect that Aegon is the type of laissez-faire King that would allow his councilors to administer the realm without having to haggle too much. As long as his councilors are competent and Aegon doesn't do anything too outrageous, I don't see why this arrangement couldn't work.

Aegon as a political actor doesn't matter here, since he seems disinterested in ruling in the first place, his role is ceremonial and he exists just as a vessel to inhabit kinghood temporarily. His Small Council only needs him breathing, so they can leech out sovereignty from him. If/when Aegon dies from cirrhosis or an STD, a regency can be established for Prince Jaehaerys.

If we want to consider Aegon as an active political actor, we have to account for the fact that he doesn't really get a lot opportunity to decide for himself. We have no idea what Aegon's policies would be, whether he'd "levy a tax on the sale of new wool" or not. We only see King Aegon in war conditions and under extreme duress caused by his injuries.

That being said, he exhibits some traits we can take into consideration. One cannot deny Aegon is brave: he fights his own battles on the frontlines. He exhibits tremendous levels of grit, determination and ambition: he simply refuses to die despite his debilitating injuries (if he sets his mind on something, he will not give up until that task is completed). He tricks Rhaenyra out of Dragonstone - he somehow manages to convince several smallfolk to defect to his side and help hide him. Later on, he takes over the entire island with minimal casualties - he can inspire people to believe in him or at least has enough car saleman skills or the gib of the gab.

He allows his enemies to bend the knee and spares them (more than can be said for Rhaenyra). He wants to kill/castrate/send Aegon III to the Wall and behead Baela, but his councilors talk him out of it. Aegon is not without cruelty, but he is not without humanity either. He hates and he loves with equal fervor.

He is not the most merciful King at the end of the war, at his worst, in great pain and having suffered many losses. But his actions are not so dissimilar to something Robert or Stannis or Tywin might have done in his place. He refuses milk of the poppy so it won't cloud his mind, such as it remains. Aegon is the poster child for wasted potential.

Aemond - Another post on Aemond as King. A post on how Aemond could become King. With him it's important to keep in mind which version of the character we're talking about and at which point in time. Aemond in the books comes off as a cackling psychopath who is not exactly king material, regardless of how entertaining he is. However, the maesters writing down the histories do not give us a look inside his mind. We're not going to get a novel with Aemond's POV, so we have to see how his characterization evolves in the show. As we've seen so far, there are many directions you can take with a character like him.

Yes, Aemond will put House Strong to the sword. But so does Tywin Lannister eradicate the Houses Reyne and Tarbeck. Yes, he will ravage the Riverlands, but so does Tywin. Yet the general consensus of the people in-universe is that Tywin is a competent administrator of the Realm. Even Stannis waxes poetic about him at one point. What's important here is to establish whether Aemond's trauma will make him veer towards the Joffrey side of the spectrum or would it be more in line with the advice Tywin gives his grandson?

"Joffrey, when your enemies defy you, you must serve them steel and fire. When they go to their knees, however, you must help them back to their feet. Elsewise no man will ever bend the knee to you."

Daeron - I've spoken a little bit about Daeron here. I don't see why Daeron wouldn't be a decent king if given the chance, but the same question applies to him: would Daeron remain his charming, popular self after suffering so many losses?

Helaena - The line of succession is as follows: Aegon -> Jaehaerys -> Maelor -> Jaehaera -> Aemond -> Daeron -> Helaena. In order for Helaena to become Queen Regnant, it means that all her family, sans Alicent and Otto, need to die. I don't think she (or anyone) could possible handle this. She removes herself from the story for this very reason. If we are to consider her potential ruling abilities in a vacuum, she is known to be so popular with the smallfolk that they storm the Dragonpit because they are alarmed at her fate. That must speak to her charity work or at least good PR skills. She seems to be a generally well-liked person.

Blacks

I've spoken before about how Rhaenyra disqualifies herself from queenship in the second part of this post.

I've also touched upon why Daemon is a menace here. In addition, I would argue that Daemon is also simply incompetent. He is assigned various portfolios within the Small Council and he fails at his job every time. His stint as head of the Gold Cloaks is a terror regime.

I'm also going to disqualify Rhaenyra's bastard children as well, since their rule will inevitably turn into a succession crisis, if we are not to compromise on the internal logic established in Fire & Blood and in the main series. That being said, if Jace wants to take the throne by conquest (not by appealing to the law), he's going to be threatened in his rule by his trueborn half-brothers and/or their descendants. For Black supporters peddling this loving family narrative that Aegon/Viserys would never dream doing such a thing to their beloved bastard brothers, I kindly direct their attention to the story of Daeron II Targaryen and Daemon Blackfyre.

Aegon III was (understandably) a broken, depressed man that appeared aloof and cold to others (he is "not remembered fondly"), but his reign seems to have been pretty decent, all things considered, with nothing egregious happening. I would suggest that Aegon III is a depressed and repressed iteration of Aegon II, what with him locking himself in his room to "brood for days". It is said that his brother, Viserys II, was the one truly responsible for managing the affairs of the Realm.

Nevertheless, Aegon III and Viserys II produced such disaster children between them that it really effed up the realm for quite a long time afterwards. What I truly gawk at is their utter failure as parents, a fault that, when monarch, has institutional reverberations. Their treatment of Naerys, for example, is baffling.

Neither Aegon III or Viserys II recognized Rhaenyra as Queen. Aegon III became King as Aegon II's heir and was quickly married to Jaehaera to unite the two rival claimants. When his nephew Baelor the Blessed died, Viserys II passed over the claims of his nieces, further invalidating his mother's own legal argument. Even by Andal law, Daena was ahead of him in line to the throne. Viserys' own son Aegon IV is considered one of the worst kings in Targaryen history. Make of that what you will.

After the war, there is this interesting discussion about who should succeed Aegon III - Baela or Rhaena. They both lead an active life in King's Landing for a time and become very popular with the people, even meeting with envoys and visiting lords. As the eldest, Baela has the better claim, but the regents dislike that she is mischievous and willful and prefer Rhaena instead.

Baela befriends a variety of people from all walks of life in KL and has an adventurous, free spirit. She seems open-minded and enterprising and I wonder if that would reflect in her social policies. However, she would have had a better chance at being named Aegon's heir had she not ran away to marry Alyn Velaryon. The regents do not consider him royal consort material and turn to Rhaena as an option. The legality of this is questionable, but Baela loses the support of the lords by refusing to compromise. Perhaps the regents think they can pick the more malleable Rhaena, should anything happen to Aegon III, since Baela would be unlikely to contest her sister.

Out of the two, Rhaena appears to be more diplomatic and conciliatory. She marries a Hightower and ends up having 6 daughters. She hatches one of the last surviving dragons, Morning. It is not known what happens to Morning exactly, but she does not have a very long life for a dragon. I will say that the image of Rhaena as Queen with her pink dragon passing her throne onto her Hightower daughter is a pretty charming one. Perhaps this could have been the opportunity to codify absolute primogeniture or at least provide a strong, legal precedent within Westerosi common law for a regnant Queen. And we would have been spared the catastrophe of the Daeon I to Aegon IV pipeline.

Rhaena is also the last possible claimant. For her to become Queen, the Dance of the Dragons needs to happen, literally every other claimant in front of her (her family members) needs to die and Baela has to cede her the throne. The question of female inheritance has the possibility to be settled, but for a steep price.

[stcries]

@hollowsparda wrote: “ It was my fault. It was all my fault. You nearly died because of me! This shame.. your injuries.. I'll never forgive myself.. ! ” from ISHIMARU to BRODO (mondo) ; protecting your best bro from a masked assailant? serious injuries? on the school's hospital bed? gib.

it had come out of nowhere, no warnings given. mondo didn't even get a good glimpse at his attacker's face, perhaps it was a rival gang sending one of their goons after him for revenge? even still, that was a bold move. crazy diamond's leader didn't go down without a fight, managing to hold his ground for a while, the assailant's blade luckily plunged into his side, piercing flesh and throwing mondo off balance, leaving him open for more puncture wounds and beatings from this masked man. he was sure he was done for ... yet thanks to some kind of miracle, he'd been discovered by none other than ishimaru, who wasted no time in calling for help. he owed him a lot, and that's an understatement.

he can't sit there any longer and listen to this. without a single warning, mondo's hands come out to latch onto ishimaru's shoulders, forcing the other's crimson gaze to lock with his own. "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" his words come out loud and forceful, hoping to snap his friend out of this trance he'd found himself within. silence rings in the air for a few seconds after, making sure he had ishimaru's full attention before continuing.

"i don't wanna hear another fuckin' word of this, y'hear me!? i don't care who's fault it was, you saved my ass, dude, i wouldn't be breathin' now if it wasn't for you!" mondo gives the other a slight shake, oh how he wants to smack him for thinking in such a way. freshly bandaged wounds were only being aggravated by such aggression, but mondo simply didn't care, punctured lung and bruised body be damned, he wouldn't sit there idly and let his companion drag himself through the dirt like that.

[pinky-the-polar-bear]

I posted 760 times in 2022

350 posts created (46%)

410 posts reblogged (54%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@northerngrail

@zombiedeers

@treetownconfessions

@ghostys-originals

@pan-fried-autism

I tagged 705 of my posts in 2022

Only 7% of my posts had no tags

#pinky rambles on - 332 posts

#roadkillerz - 331 posts

#friend shit - 142 posts

#good shit - 107 posts

#dr. doogood - 92 posts

#malcolm murphy - 92 posts

#theo cottontail - 71 posts

#devin ray o'sunshine - 56 posts

#grover cottontail - 47 posts

#hey that's me - 41 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#'murica should just say they hate anyone who doesn't suck their dick and isn't a straight white man free from physical and mental issues

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Fun Fact: Doogood was born in Mayberry Town, a town notorious for being stuck in the 50's and for its aggressively conservative beliefs. He was banned at 14-years old for using science to better the lives of his fellow citizens. His likeness is still used for their propaganda to this day.

Fun Fact #2: Doogood was born with a curse. He is doomed to eternal life and a painful reanimation process every time he dies. You can thank one of his ancestors for that.

18 notes - Posted February 1, 2022

#4

what do you think dr doogood would think of grem? (@pan-fried-autism's oc, dunno if you ever heard of him)

Doogood is used to Peng's shenanigans by this point. Why not add another bizarre doctor to the mix?

19 notes - Posted August 1, 2022

#3

…[offers you disco bear] him…gib me ur disco bear

Excellent choice!

Disco Bear isn't his birth name. That honor (or dishonor, if you're Disco) goes to Barry Honeysuckle. He legally changed it to his stage name at the height of his fame.

Why? Because his home life sucked. His parents never approved of anything he did, let alone disco music. They saw it as a stupid fad that would fizzle out and leave Disco without a job. Plus, they never believed he would be a successful musician. But did that stop Disco? Nope! He pursued his dreams and became a one-hit wonder.

The one hit he managed to get was massively successful. It hit #1 on several charts all over the world, including his home country. To this day, he still earns royalties every time his song is played on the radio. Thanks to this, he quickly earned himself a spot amongst the hot disco singers. This man used his newfound fame and fortune to party like the animal he was.

Beautiful women would have one night stands with him, he'd get higher than a kite on cocaine and booze, and he'd pull all sorts of crazy stunts in the midst of his drugged up stupor. But just like every other celebrity, his days in the spotlight were numbered. Disco music fizzled out of popularity and was replaced by the next hot genre. On top of this, Disco developed a nasty addiction towards cocaine. In fact, he needed to go to rehab after he nearly overdosed on it.

Sure, rehab fixed his dependence on cocaine, but there was now a void in his heart where cocaine used to be. He took his loss of relevance poorly. Prior to his worsening addiction, he had a woman who actually loved him for more than his fortune and fame. His feelings towards her were mutual. Sadly, his obsession with drugs left her no choice but to burn this bridge permanently. After she walked away from Disco, he never saw her again. By the time he conquered his addiction, he knew he fucked up majorly. Knowing he'd never have her love or affection again killed him inside.

That's when he moved to Happy Tree Town. Almost dying to cocaine was a rude awakening for him in more ways than one. As an effort to hold onto as much of his net worth as possible, he sold everything he didn't need anymore and moved to Happy Tree Town. But living in a small town hardly improved his life. He ended up spending over a decade going through the motions. He'd hit on women, get rejected, and drink his sorrows away. Because of where he resided, he also had to deal with the curse placed on Happy Tree Town. However, just like everything else, that merely became a part of his routine.

Suddenly, Pop decided to befriend Disco out of nowhere. I'm sure you guys know the rest, but in a nutshell, they bonded over being middle-aged losers hanging on by a thread. In a twist of fate, they even fell in love.

Nowadays, Disco is much happier with his husband and spiritual son. As a result of growing more confidence in himself and his identity, he became a drag queen on the side, much to Fuzzy's embarrassment.

21 notes - Posted February 12, 2022

#2

Guess who paid @pastelprince18 to draw their angsty teenager? If you ever need a wonderful commission done, Ray's got you covered.

31 notes - Posted February 17, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

If Sprigatito evolves into a femboy furry, I will sit back and watch as the fandom spontaneously combusts, laughing at its suffering for years to come. Then I will ship him with Incineroar and make these boys hella gay.

219 notes - Posted February 27, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[thatwildnya]

commission for @bestwishes2u ! thank u for the cash money~

What do you think the dorm leaders plus Jamil and Lillia would do if they learned that the M/C couldn't read? They've been isekai'd so it makes sense for there to be some language barriers. Not sure if I should ask for platonic or romantic... I guess that part can be a surprise~

for the sake of the headcanons i will be making the language of twisted wonderland japanese and mc can speak it because magical iseki plot magic says so

also u can take this a platonic or romantic go wild have fun

Riddle

how have you managed to make it this far

whelp now that he knows it’s study time

have fun you’re not leaving the dorm anytime soon

he knows many tips for memorization so there’s a plus

goes full teacher on you

you either thrive under his teaching style or die

there is no in between

Leona

honestly impressed

you’ve made it pretty far despite this setback

won’t help you if you aren’t dating

and even then it’ll take a lot of convincing

surprisingly good at teaching

his explanations are simple but easy to understand

you’ll be reading in no time yeet

Azul

how.

that’s his first question

then moves on to making a deal

take his fancy cane and whap him on the noggin if ur dating

don’t got no time for dis just teach me twink

don’t actually call him that he will cry

he will have you reading simple chapter books in a week if you’re determined enough

gib ‘im a kiss ‘e deserves it

Kalim

the most impressed by your achievements

if it were him he’d probably be dead within a week

buys children's work books for you

also surprisingly good at tutoring you

he starts out with simple essentials and goes from there

knows a thing or two about languages cuz y’know daddy big merchantman

Jamil

is kinda ashamed he was defeated by someone who can’t read

won’t help unless you’re his lover

he already has to tutor kailm he has enough shit to worry about

wouldn’t mind giving some tips tho

tutors you while keeping kalim occupied with a laserlight

don’t ask questions just focus little one let the jingle boy chase the red dot

Vil

there are two ways this can go

1: impressive i will have rook teach you he is bilingual

2: oh hell naw no lover of mine will be left unable to read the products of the back of a shampoo bottle buckle up buttercup it’s time to bring out the whip books

like riddle you either thrive or die hopefully it's the former

gives positive reinforcement through unhealthy snackys

it’s a privilege you must earn peasant

Idia

*let's put exaggerated gasp*

how will you be able to read manga

this is a crisis time to crack down

does quick research and gives you a brand new laptop for learning purposes

puts on anime without audio with subtitles 

want to know what’s happening? learn to read normie

if you get frustrated he tries to cheer you up with candy please stop crying he doesn’t know how to properly socialize

Malleus

impressive hooman

he pats your head and offers to teach you

this quickly ends with lilia teaching you he is actually really bad at this

what do you mean you don’t understand it’s simple

gets pouty seeing you spend so much time with his vice

that should be him not the old bat

learns how to tutor better just because of this

Lilia

probably knew beforehand and was the one to bring it up

do not worry young one daddy is here to help

depending on your learning style decides how well he can tutor you

he may be old but he’s not perfect

buys you workbooks like kalim

also does flashcards

keeps trying to reward you with his cooking until you threaten to go to someone else

no wait come back he’ll stop don’t leave peepaw alone

~special bonus round~

Grim

has had to read everything for you and was annoyed by this thank god you're finally getting someone to teach you he has had enough of dis shiz now give him tuna he deserves it

[moonlightjeno]

[ 2:12 am ] jeno has finally managed to get you to stop studying, after much protest from you, telling him that if you didn't study more and you'd fail. the threat of tears spilling pooling in yoour eyes, as you looked at him, and then back at the mess of notes that sprawled you desk. it was final's week, and the weight of your family's pressure and your own self pride was beating you up. so when jeno saw that you'd been at it for hours on end, you started way before he'd left for practice and when he'd come back almost at one am you were still reading through papers, talking to yourself which he found adorable, but not at the current moment  he couldn’t take it anymore. not only were you no longer processing anything but your eyes threatened to close every-time you read a card about the change of enthalpy and its affects on the entropy and gibs-free energy, that he dragged you out of your chair. arms wrapped around your waist as he carried you to your shared bed, much to your failed protests. “luv, you studied enough. you aren’t gonna be able to process anything anymore, and if you want i can help you tomorrow” he murmured as his held you closer, rubbing soothing circles across your palm. you thought about protesting, but the words of “no, i have to be better, do more” died at the tip of you tongue at the sight of his eye smile, eyes softened in concern for you even if he should be more worried about himself. as they’d been preparing for a comeback. so instead of saying anything you cuddled closer to jeno, pressing a small kiss to the corner of his lip, before closing your eyes. you were able to sleep a sleepless, night exhaustion taking over you, with your loving boyfriend next to. always there, always loving, always him. 

[bloominroses101]

Jack Sparrow x reader

"Bloody pirates." You mumble to yourself as you turn the helm almost a full 360° in order to avoid becoming trapped in the shallows where the Flying Dutchman is attempting to trap your ship. The sudden turn allows the crew to launch a surprise attack on the Dutchman and hopefully make an escape. With your long, black hair lashing in the wind and the rough, salty ocean water whipping your face you make one last turn toward open seaas the Dutchman falls into their own trap. As the ship begins to gain considerable distance, the crew begins to cheer.

"Well done, Black Raven!" Captain Trask compliments you. "Not many people live to say they've survived an attack from that monster."

"Aye, thank you captain" you respond. Particularly being a woman, it has taken quite some time for you to earn the respect of the crew....now in you sixth year of service aboard the revengeful crow, you have been recently granted the title of First Mate. You glance behind, but the Dutchman is showing no sign of pursuit. However, just as the crew breaks open the rum in celebration, youhear a loud rumble from down below and the ship suddenly comes to a halt.

"What was that?" One of the crew members exclaim. The rest stand still in shock. You turn a glance to your captain just before the ship collapsed into itself by the middle and everyone is pulled under water with it. You try to swim to the surface, but your foot is caught in a net. You begin to struggle for breath....in a panic, you pull out your

knife and manage to cut loose. Gasping for air as you shoot to the surface, you scramble onto a scrap board from the broken ship....as you look down, you see giant tentacles. You had heard stories about a giant beast that would do the bidding of Davy Jones, but you never imagined they were real. As the refuge you've found continues to float farther away from the wreck, you become weary from the strain and the sun. A few hours later...strandedwith nothing at open sea, you wonder if it had been better for you to have died with your comrades. Just before allowing yourself to sink below the surface, you strain to look up one last time. In your blurred vision, you see a large black ship coming your way.

"Just hold on a little longer" you tell yourself. Completely focused on holding on, you jump a little as a rope surprises you falling right across your back. You hold tight with all your strengthas you are hauled onto the ship. The crew then lowers you to the deck.

"Oyeoyeoye, what have we here???" You glance up to see a proud (slightly unstable) man glaring down at you.

"Where am I? What ship is this?" You quietly ask, forcing yourself to your feet.

"What ship?!" The man responds in utter dismay, "why, only the finest ship ever created.... envied and feared throughout theentire Caribbean!" He pauses "You're on the Black Pearl, mate."

You stand in shock, not processing what your hearing. You've always wanted to see the Black Pearl, but the closest you ever got was a mythical tale .....but now, you're actually on the ship itself. You quickly pull yourself together as he is clearly waiting for a response.

"Then" you start "if this is the Pearl, you must be Jack Sparrow, right?"

He slightly throws his head back, seemingly slightly offended..."Captain, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow! Can'tany of these....people..get it right?" He mumbles to himself.

"Sorry sir...." You fix quickly "Captain Sparrow"

There is an awkward period of silence as he stares you down.

"Well! Let's have it....would you make a worthwhile addition to my crew, or should we just cast you back overboard with the rest of the rubbish?"

"I believe I shall be a worthwhile addition to your crew sir, if you'll have me." You respond quickly.

"And why should I believe that??? You don't look verrryyyy mmm sturdy to me." (He turns his back and takes a few steps)

"You'll never have reason to believe me except by experience, captain. For what it's worth, I was first mate on the revengeful crow before it was destroyed by Davy Jones."

He stops and turns around.

"Davy Jones you say?"

"Aye, captain" he takes on a completely different attitude, seemingly to change the subject.

"Well, I think your response to the question was quite drab and predictable and I believe we should just cast you back overboard, but seeing as (this time) I'm inclined to go against my better judgement, GIBS!!!"

"Aye, Captain!"

"Take this.....thing below and get it cleaned up then show it the ropes."

"Aye, captain!"

As Jack ordered Gibs gives give you a tour of the ship and instructs you on what you will be doing for the remainder of your stay....he shows you your sleeping quarters and you settle down for the night....you feel like when you wake up, this will all be just a dream.

After a few weeks, the ship finally arrives at Tortuga. You are then given the option to go your own way or stay on as a permanent member of the crew. Of course you request to stay. As you have proven yourself to the crew, you may continue on and are officially welcomed as a new comrade.

"Sooo..." Gibs begins, "now that it's official, is there a title you'd like to call yourself?" You pause for a moment.

"Well, they called me the Black Raven on the revengeful crow."

"Black Raven it is! Welcome!"

The crew cheers as you all begin to down a bottle of rum.

After a few months you have become good friends with your captain. In fact, on your side you began feeling like you could be more than friends....you often try to dismiss the thought, but it keeps getting stronger. One evening you see Jack leaning over the ledge of the ship as the sun is just beginning to set.

You walk up and stand beside him.

"It is beautiful, isn't it??? The sea...." He comments.

"Aye" you respond. You both take a moment to just absorb the scene. After awhile, you break the silence.

"You know.....in all this time I've known you, you still haven't told me what that compass of yours does?" Secretly, you always wondered why Jack always kept it so close.

"Hmm?"

"After all it doesn't point North, right? You playfully begin to try to get it from him. He easily dodges your attempts.

"Come on..." You press as you finally get it from him.

"No, it doesn't point North" he begins....you open it and, to your surprise, the arrow shoots straight to him....

"Jack...? What does this point to???"

He moves to the other side of you and the arrow follows him. He lets out a slight laugh

"To what you want most" he whispers, staring at you intently. You quickly close the compass suddenly realizing how badly you played yourself.

'greaaattt, now he knows' you think to yourself; however your regretful thoughts are soon interupted as he takes back his compass. He slowly leans in as his hand touches yours. You flinch slightly in disbelief of what's happening. Before you can say anything, you find his lips on yours. After a long drawn out kiss, he pulls away just enough to speak.

"Tell me Black Raven..... Emrie......what IS it you want most?" He asks. You pause for a moment just to process before looking up at him.

"Just you, captain......Jack" you respond with a glint in your eye.

He smirks and leans in to kiss you again; however, he suddenly pauses.

"Gibs!" He acknowledges without even turning around.

"Aye, captain" Gibs replies. You glance over at him. You can't believe you didn't notice him standing there for who knows how long. Jack takes a half step back and turns towards him.

"Mind the helm" he orders with a slight head nod.

"Aye, captain" Gibs responds but delays moving as Jack faces you. Due to the silence, Jack turns again.

"Well, shew! Go on!" Jack insists accompanied by hand motions.

"Aye, captain" he responds ad he finally snaps out of his trance. Jack then takes your hand, leading you to Captain's quarters. You close the door behind you.

"Perhaps here we shan't be disturbed by the scum." He comments. You let out half a laugh

"That might help" you respond jokingly. He smirks and resumes where he left off, wrapping his arms around your back. His kisses start soft, but gradually become deeper until you feel as though the two of you are one. Finally, after all this time, you felt something you really have only dreamed of....like this is somewhere you belong. But even better, someone who belongs there with you.

[blackswaneuroparedux]

penman47 asked: Your pages on Stirling Moss and Graham Hill have brought back fond memories of my passion for Formula 1 racing and the Grand Prix races from 1963 through1972. Mechanical failures often plagued Stirling Moss, Graham Hill and Jimmy Clark as man put machine to test. My question would be who of the three would come out on top driving the same mechanically perfect car at say the British Grand Prix Silverstone.

Thank you for your question @penman47​

I received this question just before the sad news about the recent untimely death of the legendary Sir Stirling Moss. It feels prescient to respond now after a bit time to pass to reflect with a more sober perspective rather than let sentiment and emotion cloud any judgement.

In my family we are, it is fair to say, racing nuts. My grandfather had the racing bug and drove classic cars at amateur meets like Goodwood through his friendship with Freddie Richmond and was involved heavily in the RAC Club. He was fortunate to see all three of these racings icons race. He saw all of Jim Clark’s five victories at the British Grand Prix and regularly went to Monaco to see Graham Hill win there five times. He saw Stirling Moss race too and he was there for the Glover Trophy at Goodwood in 1962 when Stirling Moss had his career ending accident. Without taking anything away from the modern era drivers like Alain Prost, Ayrton Senna, Michael Schumacher,  and Lewis Hamilton - all of whom he thinks are a credit to motor racing - he is very much of his era. As a proud Scots, he thinks Jim Clark was the best he ever saw.

My father got the racing bug too but was more of a Le Mans fan when he was growing up because spectators were closer to the action than F1. He had inherited and also built up his own classic car collection that he sometimes races at Goodwood. He was a wee laddie when he saw Clark and Hill race but he doesn’t fully recall because he was too young to fully remember. He loved watching James Hunt, Ayrton Senna and Alain Prost but had a grudging respect for Nikki Lauda. He never saw Stirling Moss race but knew him quite well through Goodwood and at the RAC Club in London. I know his head says Jim Clark but his heart says Stirling Moss was the best British driver.

For one of my older brothers, who has a thing for speed as I do, he was always a big Ayrton Senna fan. Again as a small boy he saw Ayrton Senna race and was part of the converted to consider him as the greatest driver of all time. Senna’s bravery was his own inspiration to take part in the Dakar Rally and other endurance races.

It’s indeed one of my unmet ambitions to ride in the Dakar Rally but it’s always been on the back burner. I would like to ride with my brother because he has the experience but he and I are too competitive and we would fight over who was the better driver - for the record, I know I am.

My mother - being Norwegian - is left to make dry sarcastic remarks about boys and toys whenever my grandfather, father and us siblings talked about racing. But she’s not immune to the glamour of F1 racing either. I’ve been told by my aunts that when my mother was at her Swiss boarding school, and later learning to be a ski instructor in the Alps, she would descend upon Monaco during the Grand Prix with her friends and enjoy the social side of racing i.e. the partying side of Formula One racing. But she’s quite buttoned up about her partying past.  Meanwhile she and my other siblings continue roll their eyes when the subject of racing comes up. 

But speaking for myself, speed has been my drug of choice and flying combat helicopters in the army for a time helped satiate that need. When I left I felt empty and bereft. But if flying single craft planes and gliders gives me weird sense of peace these days (when I can make the time to do so), I get a decent rush from riding motorbikes hard and fast on the open country roads (forget about the urban traffic congested cityscape). Racing the odd fast car I managed to get my hands on through pliant boyfriend or good friend has given me a brief thrill too but it’s been spoiled often with my driving companion screaming in my ear or pissing their pants as I take the turn hard. With my penchant for crashing - tsk, more like a graze - I’m not allowed any where near my father’s classic cars. 

I have been to Grand Prix races, including ones at Silverstone, Spa-Francochamps, Singapore, Shanghai, Suzuka, Yas Marina, Monza, and Monaco, from the time I was at boarding school. I would either go as a guest of my grandfather or father or even with some school friends who lived in Monaco and had links to get entry into the drivers’ paddock. But these days it’s more likely because of wrangling a corporate hospitality invitation that I would have the chance to go - sometimes if I plan my calendar fortuitously and Lady Luck smiles upon me I can catch two birds with one stone e.g. do a business trip to Shanghai and stay on to see the Shanghai Grand Prix. So I follow racing avidly if I can. For me of course the amazing Lewis Hamilton is the driver of our generation along with Michael Schumacher’s imperious reign at the top. And I do like the cut of Max Verstappen’s gib too.

Of course it’s hard for me to credibly assess who was the better driver between Stirling Moss, Graham Hill, and Jim Clark because I wasn’t a direct witness but not many today were either. But I consider myself a racing fan and I have seen old footage. I have also read about the history of Grand Prix racing and listened to others whose expert views I respect. So I hope what I offer is just an educated opinion at the end of the day but I recognise the heart will come into it because racing - at least in the vintage years - was quite romantic even as it morphed into something more glamorous in later decades.

Anyway, your question just added more fuel to the fire in our family discussions over our recent Zoom calls.

I have to say upfront that I consider Jim Clark as the greatest British driver of all time. I’m with my grandfather on this one and I always enjoy playing contrarian to my father(!). But all things considered Jim Clark was on a different level to both Stirling Moss and Graham Hill. And why I think so I hope I can lay that case out below.

It’s important to put all three drivers in their racing context.

Firstly, they all didn’t race at their peak at the same time and in the case of Moss in a different era. But there was some overlap between Moss and Clark and Hill. Stirling Moss had active career from 1951-1961. Graham Hill had his active years between 1958 to 1975. And Jim Clark was only active for eight years from 196O to 1968.

Secondly, unless you’re a racing fan or have seen old film footage, it really is hard to convey to our present times just how dangerous driving was in that era. It was known as the Killer Years in Formula One history. Back in the days when the British government leached up to 97 per cent from a race driver’s income, a racer had at least a 40% chance of dying at the wheel, so tragedies were commonplace. Some prodded the tiger once too often and ran out of luck. It really is hard for us to fathom the extreme danger Grand Prix drivers put themselves under when they hared around the track as one mistake might well cost them their life or a body of broken bones.

And thirdly, it may sound simple to say this, but they drove extremely fast at very high speeds. The temptation again is to look at vintage racing cars in the light of modern super engineered racing cars and think they were easy to drive.

Few drivers in the history of motor sport can prove they’ve won the elusive Triple Crown. Only Graham Hill can. Formula One world champion in 1962 and 1968; winner of the 1966 Indianapolis 500; winner of the 1972 24 hours of Le Mans and five time Monaco GP winner. An incredible achievement that underlines the fact that Hill was one of the most complete drivers of his time. He was fast, but not the fastest. Talented, but not the most talented. The best, but not always and everywhere. Explosive, but predictable. Professional, but with enough self-mockery to pull his pants down at dinner parties, running up and down the tables. Hill drove his cars throughout the most dangerous years of the sport. Calmly and reserved, while he tried to fight off virtuoso's like Jim Clark, Jochen Rindt and Jackie Stewart.

When Stirling Moss drove on the track, he was there to race, not to eke out championship points. And to do it fast, faster than anyone else. For a driver whose competitive peak coincided with one of motor racing’s most dangerous periods when death regularly stalked all drivers, a time when average lap speeds escalated while safety precautions stood still, Moss’ courage and achievements were even more astonishing. Moss knew all about that: witness the serious leg injuries he suffered during practice for the 1960 Belgian Grand Prix, a race in which compatriots Chris Bristow and Alan Stacey both died, or the career-ending aftermath of his accident during the 1962 Glover Trophy at Goodwood.

But for his own unswerving sense of fair play, he could have pipped Mike Hawthorn to become Britain’s first world champion in 1958. Moss won four races to his rival’s one, but the latter benefited from greater reliability and consistency. The pivotal moment came in the Portuguese Grand Prix, from which Hawthorn was initially stripped of second place for receiving a push-start after slithering off the track. Moss was among those who came to his defence.

To this day Moss has won more world championship grands prix than any other driver never to have secured the championship, despite the ever-escalating number of such races. He has always maintained that he’d like to remembered as “a driver who preferred to lose while driving quickly than to win by driving slowly enough to get beaten”. For a few years, after the retirement of the great Juan Manuel Fangio in 1958, he was the finest and most famous racing driver in the world. He was so good that Ferrari not only wanted him to drive for them but were prepared to have the car painted blue, the team colour of his friend Rob Walker. And it is worth remembering that Enzo Ferrari rated Moss ahead of Fangio and placed him alongside Tazio Nuvolari. He is, perhaps then, the ultimate proof that raw racing statistics sometimes mean very little when you are natural racer.

Jim Clark’s raw racing statistics spoke volumes for his achievement and the astonishing records he set, a few of which still remain unsurpassed. More than that he has been hailed as one of the top three drivers of all time in any reputable survey. His achievements were a reflection of the awe and admiration many of his driving peers and others since his untimely tragic death have held about the man and the racer.  

Clark began matching Stirling Moss’s speed in the second half of the 1961 season, and took over the Englishman’s mantle in 1962 when Moss was injured in a crash at Goodwood on Easter Monday. Clark narrowly lost the World Championship that year to BRM rival Graham Hill, after his Lotus developed an oil leak while dominating the finale in South Africa. Two years later he lost another championship to an oil leak, literally on the last lap of the season-closing Mexican GP. The honours fell instead to John Surtees. But in 1963 and 1965 Clark was unstoppable in Colin Chapman’s green and yellow Lotuses, and their driver/engineer relationship was symbiotic.

Jim Clark not only won his second title in 1965 but he did so by leading every single lap of every race he finished in the 1965 season. Therefore, he won every race he finished with what we now call lights to flag victories. It was an incredible feat which has been unmatched by the other truly greats of the sport, Fangio, Senna, or Schumacher.

In 1963 only some obfuscation by the establishment at Indianapolis Motor Speedway in favour of the traditional front-engined roadsters prevented him from beating Parnelli Jones to victory on his Indy 500 debut in Chapman’s rear-engined Lotus ‘funny car’. He led the 1964 Indy 500 race before his rear suspension broke, and in 1965 dominated the event and became the first Briton to win this iconic race since Dario Resta in 1916.

Clark remains the only man in history to have won the Formula One World Championship and the famed Indianapolis 500 in the same year (1965).

His tally of 25 victories was a record at the time. It has since been surpassed by several other drivers, but none in so few races. Clark's came in just 72 starts, a win ratio surpassed only by Alberto Ascari and Juan Manuel Fangio.

Likewise, his tally of 33 total pole positions was first passed by Sebsatian Vettel, with only Ayrton Senna, Michael Schumacher and Lewis Hamilton ahead of Clark. But in percentage terms, Clark is ahead of them all. He was on pole for 45.2% of his races - only Fangio, on 55.8%, did better.

Those numbers give a sense of how Clark towered over his era, a period when he made many grands prix mind-numbingly boring, so completely did he and his Lotus dominate them. Yes, the Lotus was often the best car, but Clark's supremacy was not in doubt. His two titles in 1963 and 1965 were exercises in crushing superiority, and he would have won in 1964 and 1967 as well had it not been for the notoriously poor reliability of Lotus's cars.

But does any of this tell us which of the three would have won between the three of them at the British Grand Prix as you suggest?

Graham Hill may have been the monarch of Monaco - his nickname was after all ‘Mr Monaco’ with his magisterial six wins between 1963 and 1969, a record only bettered by the great Ayrton Senna - but much to his regret he never won a British Grand Prix race.

Stirling Moss won two British Grand Prix races in 1955 driving a Mercedes car and in 1957 where he shared a drive in a Vanwall car with Tony Brooks.

Jim Clark won the British Grand Prix an astonishing five times. In 1962, 1963, 1964, 1965 he won driving the same Lotus-Climax car and in 1967 he won with a Lotus-Ford car. His five victories were a record that stood through the subsequent decades until Alain Prost equalled Clark’s tally in 1993 (Prost won on and off between 1983 and 1993). Clark’s record was only surpassed in 2019 when Lewis Hamilton won his amazing sixth victory at the British Grand Prix (with perhaps more to come). Even more remarkable was how peerless Clark’s domination was as he won four British Grand Prix races consecutively. It was yet another amazing record that belonged to Jim Clark until Lewis Hamilton joined him in the record books with four straight wins (2014-2017).

It might be churlish to point out that Stirling Moss, like Graham Hill, never won at Silverstone even when he raced there. Clark won three times.

In those days the British Grand Prix was not always held at Silverstone. Between 1926 and 1986 the venue track chosen rotated between Brooklands and Silverstone, then Aintree and Silverstone, and later Brands Hatch and Silverstone. Only from 1987 onwards to the present day did Silverstone become the established venue race track of the British Grand Prix.

Moss’ two British Grand Prix victories were both achieved at Aintree (1955 and 1957). The British Grand Prix races that Moss did compete at Silverstone he retired due to engine or axle trouble.

In contrast Clark won his first British Grand Prix victory at Aintree in 1962, and another one at Brands Hatch in 1964 but the other three victories were at Silverstone.

So one would have to give the win to Jim Clark on paper.

But some may argue yes, that’s all well and good but who was the fastest driver and who really was the better driver?

Here again the stats speak for themselves. The all time list of fastest laps set during their respective careers gives us some clue because the tracks they drove on were the same during their eras. Graham Hill is 34th on the all time fastest laps set with 10 fastest laps in the Grand Prix races he drove in a 17 year career (1958-1975). Stirling Moss is 15th on the all time fastest - one position above Ayrton Senna - where he set the fastest laps in 19 Grand Prix races in his 10 year career (1951-1961). Jim Clark is 7th on the all time fastest laps set by a Grand Prix driver. He recorded 28 fastest laps in Grand Prix races in his 8 year short racing career (1960-1968). Only Mansell, Vettel, Prost, Raikkonen, Hamilton and Schumacher as 1st stand ahead of him. What makes Clark’s achievement staggering is that he was competing in an era where technology was in the Bronze Age compared to the modern marvels of technology, aerodynamics, and speed. It’s also worth noting all the other drivers had much longer racing careers than Clark did before his untimely death. At the 1968 South African Grand Prix - his last before his death in Hockenheim ring in Germany 3 months later - Clark won way ahead of the pack led by Graham Hill who came in second. He was comfortably on his way to another world championship with more records to be smashed.

Clark still holds the record of eight Grand Slam race wins - that is winning pole position, putting in the fastest lap, and leading every lap of a race to the win.  Only Lewis Hamilton comes close with six and Schumacher and Ascari with five. He achieved this twice at the British Grand Prix in 1962 (Aintree) and 1964 (Brands Hatch). Again it needs to be emphasised that Clark did all this while driving in the most dangerous era of Formula One - The Killer Years - where death of drivers and lack of driver and track safety was all too common. This is simply astonishing.

Of the three, Jim Clark was the fastest. I think this isn’t just about stats it’s also the they way they drove that made all three such great racers. All three certainly had limitless courage that even now demands total respect and awe. In particular it’s breath taking watching old film footage of Moss driving his most famous and greatest victory of all was the 1955 Mille Miglia in which he covered 1,000 miles of open Italian roads at an average speed of 97.96mph in 10 hours, seven minutes and 48 seconds.

But the fastest doesn’t make you best of course.  When it comes to judging who was the best I think what their peers and contemporaries thought of them counts a lot in coming to some conclusions as to who was the best driver.

Sir Jackie Stewart, three times world champion and a team mate of Jim Clark as well as friends with all three drivers, is worth listening to.

Many think that Graham Hill wasn’t the most natural driver. This isn’t said to slight him or doubt his abilities but to acknowledge his approach to driving. As Jackie Stewart said, “Whereas Jimmy [Clark], Stirling, to a certain extent myself, would drive around a car’s handling problem, Graham would fiddle with the car until it was right. Graham would take very different lines around a corner to others, and I know because sometimes I was following him.”

Sir Stirling Moss has echoed Stewart’s comments. “I’d go along with Jackie and say that Graham didn’t have a natural ability to drive a car extremely quickly. But having said that, when I was to choose a partner for a sports car race at say, the Nürburgring, I would always choose Graham because he was so reliable. Quick, but unlikely to do anything stupid.”

Jackie Stewart’s comment unearth one of secrets of why not only was Jim Clark the fastest but also the best of the three. Simply put Clark knew how to take corners and know when to brake.

It must be stressed that both Moss and Clark knew how to take corners and mastered the art of breaking to a level very few drivers reached whatever car they were driving.

Moss was certainly a pioneer in taking corners and knowing when and when not to brake. Moss - especially at his peak in the Lotus - would cut into the corner early and with the brakes on.

Most drivers run deep into a corner before turning the wheel. In this way a driver could complete his braking in a straight line, as is the standard practice and one everyone did and still do, before setting the car up for the corner. But natural drivers like Moss (and Clark) preferred to cut into the corner early and even with their brakes still on to set up the car earlier. In this way such drivers almost make a false apex because they get the power on early and try to drift the car through the true apex and continue with this sliding until they are set up for the next bit of straight. In other words, the result is a smooth line as you come out of the turn and race on at faster and more seamless speed.

Clark would take this to the next evolutionary step from Moss - also in a Lotus - as cars became more mechanically challenging to handle. Clark placed a big premium on braking. In his book At the Wheel (1964) he expounded on this belief, "The most important thing you can learn in racing: how to brake. Often, if I want to go through a given corner quicker I don’t necessarily put the brakes on any later than usual, but I might not put them on very hard, and take them off earlier. Where you are led into the trap is leaving your braking too late and having to run deep into the corner and brake at the last moment, you might certainly arrive at the corner quicker, but there is a psychological tendency to brake much harder than you need to and therefore over-brake."

A good example of this is looking at footage of the 1965 French Grand Prix in Clermont-Ferrand where Jim Clark won from pole position and set the fastest lap around this new track that no one had driven on before (see below)

Fast forward to the 9 minute mark you will see all the top drivers of that era tackling a fast downhill left - unfortunately you don’t see Graham Hill, who had an off day and ended up 13th I think - but the point remains valid.

Jim Clark drives a Lotus in this 1965 French Grand Prix race and is bombing away from the rest of the pack as was his usual MO. The interesting thing to notice is the turn. Clark’s Lotus is 2-3 feet inside the painted white line as he turns into the corner. It’s really more of a smooth elegant sweep into the corner. Clark clearly turns in much more earlier with the brakes - as we now know - are lightly caressed. Clark smoothly glides through out of the turn as he disappears from view carrying crucial extra speed. Then the rest come and the difference is soon clear. Jackie Stewart’s BRM P261 car grazes the line and grappling with more understeer than he might have liked finds himself to the right of the dotted line when he comes out of the turn. The V8 Ferrari of the great John Surtees also grazes the line with a similar result. Dan Gurney’s Brabham BT11 car crosses the painted line and he pays for his aggressive stance by sitting cross the road’s dotted centre line. On this track at Clermont-Ferrand there were forty-eight corners in its five sinuous miles to perilously navigate and Clark using this MO had the nonchalant confidence and consistency as well as the driving artistry to increasingly pull ahead of the chasing pack to victory.

Analysing the Clark technique, Peter Collins (a former team manager at Team Lotus and Williams, and an avid Clark fan), who knows more about what makes great drivers than most, made a key observation, “His driving was incredibly fluid even in dramatic moments. Watching the first laps of various races you got a very strong impression that he was mentally more ahead of the car than was the opposition. Watching him leading at the ’Ring in 1967, for instance, the impressive thing was that there were no dead moments in transition from braking to turn-in, to throttle on. He was able to drive an understeering car in a four-wheel drift and judge the exits to perfection.”

Graham Hill, who was a good friend of Jim Clark’s as well as being a fiercely competitive rival on the track, knew better than most and so I shall let him have the final say on this. Hill in his penned eulogy to Jim Clark noted his mastery of taking the corner, “For a driver, the excitement of racing is controlling the car within very fine limits. It's a great big balancing act, motor racing. It's having the car broken away and drifting and doing exactly as you want it to do and getting around the corner as quickly as you can, and knowing that you've done it, and hoping that it is better than anyone else has done. You are aiming at perfection and never actually getting it. Now and then you say, "That's it. That's how I want to do that corner. Now beat that, you bastards." This is the essence of racing, and at this, Jimmy, in his era, was unsurpassed.”

A word must be said about the cars these drivers drove. Racing cars in that era were extremely fast but also extremely unreliable. One can only lament how many world championships Moss, Hill, and Clark would have won if not for some mechanical car failure that did cost them dearly. In the case of Clark, he agonisingly lost the world championships in 1962 and 1964 due to oil leaks in the final race both times.

Of the three Hill was the most technical, not surprising given that he started life with the Royal Navy as a technician specialist. When he was racing Hill took notes of every test, every practice, every race and how his car handled specific track conditions and setups. He was constantly on top of his mechanics with these early versions of telemetry and his expertise on engineering meant that the difference between mechanic and driver was nothing more than a grey area. According to some of the mechanics who worked with Hill, it was sometimes impossible to please him. Both Moss and Clark by contrast didn’t really bother with that side but rather they just jumped into the car and worked around the problems on the track relying on their natural flair and genius. That’s how brilliant they both were.

So how would Moss and Clark fare if they both had the same car and barring any technical issues. There are no certainties but they did both briefly overlap in their careers, as Moss was coming to the end of his and Clark was about to start his ascension. The race that most would point to is the 1961 South African Grand Prix. Stirling Moss was the undisputed world's best in 1961, pulling off some famous victories in inferior equipment, but Clark's performances at the end of the season showed that things were changing. Clark's Lotus Climax 21 car had beaten the slightly older Lotus Climax 18/21 model of Moss in the Natal Grand Prix earlier in the month, but the East London race stepped things up a notch. Clark was fastest in qualifying and started on pole position with Moss +0.2 seconds behind.

Both Clark and his Team Lotus team mate Trevor Taylor led the way at the start but but Moss was soon into second and took the lead when Clark spun avoiding another car. Now Clark charged, despite sustaining gearbox damage, lapping faster than his pole time, and Moss was powerless to stop him coming through to win."Moss pulled in behind Clark and tried to stay in his slipstream but could not keep up with Clark's fast and furious driving and fell slowly, but surely, behind," read Autosport's report. "Clark demonstrated that the world championship is no pipe-dream for him." Clark was a little more circumspect, though beating Moss was clearly a watershed: "I had the satisfaction of beating Stirling twice in two weeks, although, in all fairness, my car was newer than his," he wrote in his 1964 book, Jim Clark - At the wheel.

That Clark was being characteristically modest and magnanimous isn’t the main point to take away. The point is made by Colin Chapman the iconic genius behind Lotus who said of Clark, “when there was no mechanical trouble, Clark absolutely blew away the opposition. One prime example of that was the 1967 German Grand Prix when the Lotus was not an easy car to drive but still Clark got pole in it by a staggering 9 seconds. This also brought out another of Clark’s skills – to drive around problems. He was capable of driving a car with any given setup – he never asked to change the setup to make it to his liking, he went out on track and tried to make the car go faster by adjusting accordingly at corners, which was very easy for him as he had a very smooth driving style and it never looked like he was trying to muscle the car across the corners.”

Once Clark was in front he was almost unbeatable. No matter who you were or how good you were, Clark was quicker and relentless. It was almost game over once Clark took the lead and slowly pulled away from the rest. Graham Hill said in his eulogy to Jim Clark, “He was also particularly competitive, particularly aggressive, but he combined this with an extremely good sense of what not to do. One can be overthrusting—aggressive to the point of being dangerous. Well, this Jimmy was not. But he was a fighter, a fighter that you could never shake off. He invariably shot into the lead and killed off the others, building up a lead that sapped their will to win.”

This is one main reason with all things being equal, Clark would beat Moss and Moss would beat Hill. The really scary thing about Clark’s complete mastery of driving was what Colin Chapman said years later, "I think Jim never drove really 100% - he was so good, he didn’t need it to beat the others. Perhaps only in Monza 1967 he had the knife between his teeth...."

Moss is rightly celebrated as an icon of motor racing. Moss had a fantastic 15 year career on the track and just as importantly he had an even longer one off the track as the fantastic ambassador of Grand Prix racing. Moss lived to be 90 years old and he used that time to deservedly cement his legendary status as a Formula One great. He was a very charismatic and convivial personality. He is revered by contemporary drivers and racing fans because his presence was anywhere and everywhere. No racing event would be complete without the vintage stardust of the great Sir Stirling Moss. At Goodwood and at the RAC Club racing enthusiasts would mill around him and listen to his endless yarns. At race circuits during the Grand Prix season his presence in paddock would stop everything as racers and technical crew were in awe of him.

In contrast Jim Clark’s racing career was tragically cut short to a mere 8 years and yet he had achieved so much at the age of 32 years old. Arguably his death had the greater impact because it was more keenly felt by his peers and those within the racing world. So when he was killed by a puncture during the wet Formula 2 Deutschland Trophy race at Hockenheim on 7 April 1968, after his Lotus crashed into unforgiving trees by the side of the track, race drivers around the world felt death’s hand on their shoulder, and asked themselves, “If it can happen to Jim Clark, what chance do we have?”

The consequence of Clark’s death cannot be stressed enough. Clark’s death was the sacrificial blood price for the more modern era drivers to race with greater driver safety measures in place and safer tracks for spectators that these days we today take for granted. A lot of credit is due to Clark’s close friend and team mate, the great Sir Jackie Stewart, who at the risk of his own personal reputation, pushed hard for the racing world to take driver safety seriously. A lot of danger - and perhaps even the excitement - has been taken out as Moss used to say. But there is no question racing - whilst still relatively dangerous because of the higher speeds they are pushing for those micro margin of victories - is much safer than the dangerous era of Moss, Hill, and Clark.

So why isn’t he more well known or revered by the general public (as opposed to hard core racing fans and those within the racing world)? I suspect it was due to his shyness and aversion to publicity. Clark grew up on a Scottish farm and he was clear to many that this was his roots that he always returned to. While he couldn’t entirely avoid the glamour of the racing world with its hedonistic side effects of women, sex and fast cars - as personified by Graham Hill or James Hunt - Clark eschewed all that in favour of simple living on his Scottish farm. His only indulgence was an airplane that he used to piloted into race circuits in Europe - Hill could fly too and it cost him his life in 1975 in a tragic plane accident. Clark simply loved racing. The proud Scot was a gentleman with self-deprecating charm and modesty to match. He was simply a good and decent man revered by his own peers in his own time.

At Clark’s funeral, Jim Clark Snr, beloved father, confessed to Dan Gurney, a racing rival, that he was the only man his son had feared. Gurney, who died in January 2018, spoke of Clark thus: “It is certainly an honour to have had the opportunity to know him as a team-mate, a friend, and to have competed with him on so many memorable occasions. Jim whipped us so many times that we all sort of got used to it. Naturally, we didn’t like being whipped, but, it is probably a testimony to Jim’s integrity and stature among us, his peers, that we couldn’t help loving the lad in spite of it.”

Elizabeth ‘Widdy’ Cameron, whom Clark nearly married in 1960, and with whom he stayed close despite rising fame, said: “He was very shy. And he was a terrific gentleman. I didn't hear him say bad things about anybody. He was a good, good man and I hope everybody remembers that. He was very special.” Sir Jackie Stewart, the three time world champion and another great British driver, still sheds a tear when he’s asked about Jim Clark.  The two Scots were close friends, and three years earlier when Stewart had arrived in F1, he played the Robin role to Clark’s undisputed Batman. “Jim Clark,” he says still, “was everything I aspired to be, as a racing driver and as a man.” When Jim Clark this humble man as a product of his upbringing on a Scottish farm in the Scottish Borders insisted that inscribed on his tomb stone would be, ‘farmer and world champion’.

Of course I never saw Moss, Hill and Clark race but I’m definitely in the camp that considers Jim Clark as not only the greatest British driver of all time but also arguably the best driver in the world of all time alongside that other most naturally gifted racer, Ayrton Senna. There’s not much to differentiate their greatness and genius.

It’s fitting that the final judgement of who was the best driver of the three should rest with their peers and contemporaries. Juan Manuel Fangio, the Argentine great is one of my favourite racers and one who is also considered one of the greatest of all time, said this about Clark in 1995: "He was better than I was - the greatest driver ever." Even the great Ayrton Senna when he went to Clark’s old Scottish boarding school, Loretto, confessed to the schoolboys, "After all - Jim Clark was the greatest driver ever."

The wonderful thing about arguing about who is the best with British icons like Moss, Hill, and Clark as examples is how the past can inspire the present generation of drivers to aspire to greater heights than the peers of the past. Who knows perhaps one day we will be talking about Lewis Hamilton or Max Verstappen in the same hushed tones of reverence and awe. Then as racing fans we should count our blessings that we can witness their special racing artistry on the track first hand while we can in the same way past generations were in awe of such special talents as Moss, Hill, and Clark.

Thanks for your question.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis: Roman Sionis

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

Birds of Prey is a fun, silly movie. So you’d expect a fun, silly villain for such a film, right? Well, we sort of get that… but this is an R-rated fun, silly movie, so the villain is going to cuss a lot and peel people’s faces off and be a raging psychopathic manchild. Roman Sionis, everybody!

Good old Roman Sionis, known to comic fans as Black Mask (he isn’t ever called that by anyone except Harley during his introduction, and he doesn’t even wear his mask until the end), is just an absolute raging lunatic. He gets mad at the drop of a hat, is creepily posessive of Dinah Lance, has a very close relationship with his murderous second-in-command Zsasz, and is just generally unpleasant to every single person who crosses his path.

But that’s par for the course for Roman Sionis, who is never really EVER portrayed as a charming, likable guy. The real question here is, is he an entertaining villain? Well he’s played by Ewan McGregor, what do YOU think?

Motivation/Goals: Roman is a relatively simple villain, but I think this works in his favor. You see, a big issue with Harley’s previous outing, Suicide Squad, is that the mission was way too high stakes despite the cast featuring a group of people who didn’t really have any powers beyond “fighting really good.” or “has weapon skills.” You’re telling me you’re gonna put Harley Quinn, Deadshot, and Captain Boomerang up against Enchantress and her army of ancient Aztec super-zombies? WHAT? Here, we have a street-level threat much more suited to Harley’s capabilities: Roman is just a very powerful gangster, and his goal in this movie is the simple “get this diamond that was stolen back to me so I can make fat stacks of cash.” That’s really all their needs to be here, a simple MacGuffin to drive along the plot to its various setpieces.

Performance: I love Ewan McGregor, so, really, he didn’t have to do much with the role of Roman Sionis to make him great. Still, this man went above and beyond despite having comparatively little screentime to Harley. Roman seems incapable of going a single sentence without cursing up a storm and is the epitome of a psychopathic manchild, tormenting people for the slightest of reasons. He forces a woman to strip and dance on one of his tables because she was laughing too loud when he was upset, and decides not to spare a girl’s life because she had a gross snot bubble on her face from sobbing while he had his crony Zsasz peel off her parents’ faces. As funny and hammy as he gets, the dude is a stone-cold ruthless bastard who has no line he won’t cross to get what he wants.

Final Fate: Cass hides a grenade on him and steals the ring, and then Harley kicks him off the pier while he panics. Before he even hits the water, BOOM! Never would I have expected to laugh out loud at the sight of Ewan McGregor being blown into bits, but this movie was just full of surprises.

Best Scene: I think that the honor has to go to his establishing character moment with Zsasz, as they cut off the faces of a family who crossed Roman, and then when Roman decides to spare the daughter, he notices snot on her face, says “Ew” like a petulant child, and has Zsasz cut her face off anyway. It’s a great way to establish that Roman is an awful human being no matter how you slice it, and firmly establishes that while, yes, he is a misogynist villain in a female-led blockbuster, his misogyny is just a tiny facet of how unabashedly terrible Roman is.

Final Thoughts & Score: So, this is gonna sound weird, but… Roman kinda reminded me of Justin Hammer. Hammer is a villain who I have greatly warmed to over time (mostly thanks to Nando V Movies on YouTube), to the point where I think he’s actually pretty funny but is held back from true greatness by the sloppy nature of Iron Man 2. The film was big, bloated, and didn’t know what to do with itself. And this film is KIND OF like that… but it knows what to do with Roman.

The movie has an undercurrent of female empowerment, so why not make the villain emblematic of things women have to overcome? Roman is creepy, misogynistic, and even a bit racist especially with his condescending actions towards Dinah. And he even throws a fit when she “betrays” him and decides to murder her. But the movie is smart so as to not make this hamfisted; the movie makes it entirely clear that even if you take away his misogynistic elements, Roman Sionis is just an utterly disgusting human being. Everything about him is just so hilariously vulgar and repulsive, but the way he’s performed helps lighten it and help keep him within the tone of the movie. He’s just dark enough and just hammy enough to work.

My big issues with Roman are mostly due to his utilization and the wasted potential, which is a problem that really hits a lot of stuff in Birds of Prey. He is great every time he’s onscreen, but his screentime is fairly limited, and then he dies at the end which robs him of any chance of coming back in the future as an antagonist. He actually functions great as a more grounded threat rather than some larger-than-life end of the world threat, but the fact he dies horribly – before even having his mask burned onto his face, even! - just kind of feels like a waste of a character. To be fair, Black Mask is not the best or most interesting Batman villain crime lord; we have the Penguin for that. But when you cast  someone like Ewan McGregor and he’s clearly having a blast, it’s hard not to feel at least slightly bitter when he gets hilariously gibbed at the end.

Still, I can’t let Justin Hammer’s sacrifice go in vain; he walked so Roman could run, and Roman ran so that perhaps someday Hammer could sprint. Roman gets a nice, fat 8/10, which he definitely earns with the heaping helpings of ham he brings to the table, though he is held back at least a little by the wasted potential of his character.

But hey, if you want to talk about wasted potential…

Psycho Analysis: Victor Zsasz

I really like Victor Zsasz in this film. I really do. The angle they went with, the implied homosexuality, the actor… it’s all good stuff that helps make a disturbing character like Zsasz easier to swallow. But he gets hit with wasted potential harder than even Roman does.

Motivation/Goals: He’s Roman’s right-hand man, so basically his motivation is to do whatever Roman wants him to do. However, there is a bit of an implied thing between his boss and him; Zsasz seems undeniably irritated with the attention he lavishes on Dinah, and is very hands-on and affectionate with his boss. A lot of his later actions in the film and his cruelty towards Dinah does seem to stem from some place of anger towards her for taking Roman’s attention away from him.

Performance: I have to say, Chris Messina does a stellar job at portraying Zsasz as creepy and obsessive, and certainly showcases the fanatical loyalty he has towards Roman, making him something of a dark mirror to Harley’s former relationship with the Joker. I also appreciate that, despite not going with Zsasz’s original psychotic serial killer angle, they still made him a bloodthirsty psycho with a sort of nihilistic edge to him. Frankly, this might be the best possible take on a live-action Zsasz without things getting intensely uncomfortable.

Final Fate: This is probably the worst element of Zsasz: his death. Right before the climax he gets shot out of the blue by Huntress and then Harley just repeatedly stabs him with the arrow. And I have to make it clear here – Zsasz barely got to do anything. He never really poses any sort of physical threats to the heroines, never gets into a fight, and is never mentioned again after his death despite being very close to Roman (to the point where the two may have been lovers).

Final Thoughts & Score: As far as henchmen go, Zsasz is pretty solid conceptually. He’s established early on as a psychopathic enforcer of Roman’s gang, he has an eerie air to him, and he has a lot of elements from the comics you rarely see on Zsasz in other media, such as being blonde. Messina does a fantastic job at making the character seem like a competent killer in the employ of Roman.

But the key word is “seem,” because Zsasz frankly never lives up to his hype. Despite being introduced peeling the faces off of a family, he is just never utilized to his fullest extent. He’s kind of just there in a lot of scenes, and while he isn’t unmemorable or anything he never really does anything that makes him into a worthwhile addition to the franchise. He’s honestly just a glorified mook with a few interesting gimmicks to help set him apart.

I’ve gotta give him a 6/10. While he’s definitely a step above average, he’s really not anything amazing, mostly because the movie refuses to allow him to reach his full potential. He doesn’t have any great quotes, his most memorable scene really serves more to establish Roman than anything, and he is dumped and quickly forgotten right before the climax. He would easily be a 7 or 8 if the story treated him with a little more weight or respect, but he just ends up underwhelming despite having so much going for him, and it’s frankly a bit depressing. It’s just a very sad state of affairs for the character, especially when he managed to be more intimidating in the Arkham games despite the fact that he posed even less of a physical threat than he does here.

Well, while we’re here, let’s go over THAT Zsasz briefly.

Portrayed in the games by Danny Jacobs (who you may know as Sacha Baron Cohen's stand in on The Penguins of Madagascar. Yes, Zsasz and King Julien had the same voice actor.), Zsasz is never really a major antagonist and is, in all honesty, a pretty weak fighter; you can always take him down in one punch. The thing with Zsasz in the games, though, is that it’s always tricky to get to him, because he usually has hostages of some kind. In Arkham Asylum, he appears twice, and you need to use stealth to take him out before he kills his hostages. In City, he gets a much longer sidequest where he requires you to pick up ringing telephones and then glide to another one across the city within a time limit. Once you’ve listened to all of his messages, Batman finds out where his lair is, sneaks through it, and whoops his ass.

I certainly can’t say he’s the best villain in either game he appears in, but he’s definitely scary. His messages and game over screens are really freaky and unnerving, and the Riddler even requires you to find some of Zsasz’s work as parts of riddles… and by “work” I am of course referring to corpses posed in life-like positions. There’s also the horrifying little tidbit that in City, Zsasz actually does kill one of his hostages and there’s nothing that can be done about it; if you switch to detective mode in his lair, you can see a corpse at the bottom of the water in the room.

I think how creepy and intense he is really helps make him stand out among the more colorful characters in those games like Joker, Clayface, and Riddler, so I think giving him a nice 8/10 for his appearances is well-earned. I feel like Birds of Prey could have learned a few lessons from this portrayal; if they wanted to make him more creepy than physically intimidating, that could have worked well and it would have made his anti-climactic defeat a bit more plausible. Instead, they kind of tried this middle ground where he’s creepy enough and intimidating enough physically that it just feels like a letdown when he’s offed.

Oh yeah, did you know he appeared in Batman Begins? He had a brief cameo and didn’t do anything significant and looked like this:

Pretty sure he’d get a low score if he wasn’t just a quick little reference.

[dismas-dumbass]

henlo, welcome to the ad where i pretty much just throw stuff at a wall and see what sticks. i’m still figuring out my guys so some details are gunna be sparse but??? i definitely don’t mind brainstorming more/plotting stuff out if any y’all are interested in what i have to offer! 

Character 1: Name Pending Arthur something, idk last name yet LOL i am prepared for this. anyway his FC is gunna be Michael Fassbender and he’s a fisherman/native to Alderhelm. he’s a pretty good guy, upstanding citizen, and absolutely loves the sea. he can also be a little too??? trusting so there is that and if it weren’t for his twin brother he’d probably be dead or worse by now woopsie. some backstory is that his parents died in a boating accident maybe in high school? but they had left behind enough inheritance for at least Arthur to go to college? he was a good student -went for marine biology or something similar idk- and while he did graduate with good grades he honestly wasn’t about the academic life so much? so he became a fisherman lol and that’s where he’s been ever since. he’s a damn good worker and loves being out on boats. the only eventful thing to happen to him was a bad thunderstorm taking out the boat he was on [this probably occurred in his thirties? it’s a sort of but not really recent event?]. idk if i wanna make it a gigantic thing where people died & he managed to survive but either way he doesn’t eeexxactly like working out in storms anymore and whenever there’s a bad thunderstorm about he can’t sleep. besides that? life’s pretty uneventful. whether that changes will depend on how plots go!  Ad #1- you may have guessed it, this is an ad for the aforementioned twin brother! since i’ve lost control of my life and am a sucker for identical twin plots i will say that the FC for the twin is Michael Fassbender~ unlike my character, the twin is a kind of grumpy worrywart who would rather shut a party down than possibly see it turn into a chaotic mess. he means well -he really does, but... uh, yeah, he’s a buzzkill. tbf he was kind of set up to be the protective brother of Arthur since his parents drilled the fact that he was the older twin into his head from an early age [he’s older by a few minutes, Arthur will always keep pointing this out in typical younger twin fashion]. he’s especially protective after the death of their parents -an idea i had was that his parents sat him down and asked him to make sure to look after Arthur if something happens to them [which is definitely not suspicious af nor is it prophetic, right?]. he’s ESPECIALLY protective of Arthur after the boat accident during the thunderstorm that Arthur survived. seriously, he’s terrified something will happen to Arthur and will use all of his power to make sure that his younger twin is protected in bubble wrap for the rest of his days. overall he’s an okay guy, may lean towards the bad side of things from time to time, and underneath all the thorns and seriousness is a person just trying to look out for his last remaining family. will he succeed? find out in the next volume of drowning songs! Ad #2- mmuucchh more vague but calling all fisherman! i imagine Arthur works for a company and boat but obv. there’s gotta be more people! he’s a rather friendly fellow so he’s probably gunna have at least a few friends [tho he can be snarky so enemies? too?] and with Alderhelm being a seaside town, well, there’s probably a need for quite a few fishermen! & fisherwomen, obv. no judging in the great big seas here! i do have a funny idea for the captain of his ship pretty much being the stereotypical grizzled-looking sea captain you’d find from the stories of old: big bushy graying beard, large coat, maybe even has a pipe for fun. he’s actually not as scary as his appearance so Arthur gets along great with him. whheeethhheerr the captain is actually a good guy is, of course, something that can be developed tho Arthur probably won’t know either way lmao. anyway, fishermen/fisherwomen unite! Ad? #3- this isn’t so much of an ad as it is an idea i’m tossing out cause it might??? not be good but maybe??? there’s someone obsessed interested in him? i’m torn between it being an alumni of the Sons of the Sea [i know, kind of specific & there’s limited spots so idk maybe just someone who went to college with him] or someone going to college rn. anyway they’re not exactly a nice(tm) person so Arthur would never go for them even if he was aware [he might be a bit dense, idk] and so there might be some uncomfortable??? awkward??? tense encounters??? that could lead to even worse possibilities??? it’ll give his twin a heart attack for sure lmao. as i said not reallllyy a fleshed out idea but? if anyone is interested? i am all ears *eyes* Character 2: doooonn’t have a name yet for this lad uh oh. his FC is gunna be  Tarjei Sandvik Moe and he’s currently attending Alderhelm College. he’s also~ one of the pledges for the Sons of the Sea plot so there is that! idk if he’s gunna be one of those rare undergrads who happen to get chosen or a more academically typical case [smart in something??? idk what i am not the smart one here lol] also his family is rich so that helps ttoooooo. idk what his personality is gunna be just yet but he’s probably gunna be somewhat naive? maybe can hold his own but also? is a cinnamon roll? so he’s probably gunna get wrecked or twisted or something idk fun fun fun times! Ad: nothing too specific but he’s obviously from a rich family so??? rich fam time??? no theme tbh -in fact this can be sort of a reverse wanted ad if a rich fam has a need for a possibly naive college age son- though an idea is that, since his FC is Norwegian, his family is new money and comes from Europe so there could be some tension??? from the other rich families??? idk idk idk alright crappy wanted ad oovvverrr if any y’all are interested in any of my rambling you can come on over to my discord which is dismas#9766! if you don’t have a discord you can always DM me on Tumblr and i’ll try to make sure to be vigilant and check it out often! <3 <3 <3 happy plottin y’all also pls gib me drama i thrive on it

[scumdogsoftheuniverse]

Sawyer Boys Headcanons

- Chop Top CONSTANTLY chews his nails, especially before he had his plate to pick at.

- Chop Top and Nubbins used to hunt squirrels together. They're both really good at climbing trees.

- They would try to bring these squirrels back alive so Grandpa could have some fresh hot blood in between victims. Grandpa would take a bite directly out of the little vermin's neck, drink his fill, and toss the pelt to the boys so they could do their various weird crafts. Either Nubbins or Bubba would take it.

- Bubba is really good at taxidermy. He's still learning how to stuff animals, but he can preserve bones like nobody's business. Even with small critters who have tiny teeth that are hard for his big fingers to grab.

- Bubba's room is the cleanest. Even cleaner than Drayton's. He likes to keep his space relatively neat because he isn't able to control much else in his life.

- Surprisingly, Drayton's room is the messiest. He's a slob behind closed doors. (clothes, stray gibs/bones that get on his clothes, old papers, etc EVERYWHERE) He's just shoving stuff away because he's most worried about keeping his food truck and restaurant set ups presentable.

- Bubba does most of the décor in the house. Mainly because he likes crafts. His brothers give feedback, but a good 90% of stuff is just pure Bubba.

- Chop Top sings along to the radio, but usually gets off track going on tangents because "Oh, this is a real good song. It reminds me of this one time I was (long rambling story)."

- Bubba enjoys his brother's stories, but he really just wanted to hum along to the top 40s, like Chop Top please shut up. He tends to roll his eyes and sigh if Chop Top goes on too long. (Which he does often.)

- The Sawyer clan doesn't really take any pictures now that Nubbins died. Probably for the best if you think about it.

- Bubba takes care of Nubbins now that he's.... Uh... Preserved. He makes sure Nubbins is kept in as good of shape as he can manage and will move him around the house.

- Chop Top will too, but Bubba is the type that will set Nubbins up and LEAVE him alone. Chop Top will drag him around for the company. He has on occasion broken a finger off or pulled one of Nubbins' arms out of its socket. He apologizes profusely every time.

These are all I have for now, but I literally can't think about anything right now except Texas Chainsaw, so I'm sure there will be more.

[yomiel]

please inform me about the lore of the little scout man i dont know him

OH MAN FINALLY I CAN ANSWER THIS!!! alright so the scout (real name: jeremy) okay the basic story is he was born the youngest of 8 brothers from the south side of boston. from a young age he learned to solve problems with his fists but as the smallest of his brothers he was always the last to make it to street fights, only managing to get in punching distance after the fight was over. so he trained himself to be faster than anyone else so he could be first in! he joined the mann co mercenary team at age 19 and is the youngest merc, being around 26 as of the most recent story comic ‘the naked and the dead’.

scout is hyper, loud, snarky, and thinks very highly of himself: overall pretty annoying, just like he is to fight against in game. but he’s a fun character with a romantic streak (he has a crush on his boss’s assistant ms pauling and when he thought he had only three days left to live he spent it preparing to ask her on a date) and a weird obsession with tom jones (he has a misspelled ‘sex bom’ tattoo on his chest apparently and has spent much of his mercenary money on tom jones memorabilia in hopes of making a profit when he dies). he also likes drawing and baseball!

in the ‘meet the spy’ video we learn that his mother and the spy are romantically involved or at least were at some point, leading many to speculate the spy is his dad! scout absolutely refuses to acknowledge this as a possibility and is in full denial, even claiming tom jones is his dad (despite only being like 5 years older than him) and getting very defensive when suggested otherwise. hell it seems like most of the team thinks/knows this, or at least heavy and sniper do.

i was about to summarize all of the comics here but i think i’ll let you read them yourself since they’re good and fun! in other random trivia he likes fried chicken, cannot read well beyond a basic elementary level, and when gibbed in game there’s a 1/100 chance of a dove flying out of the gore in reference to the final scene of the ‘meet the medic’ video! and this is more hc territory but adhd trans bi king!!!!! he’s probably my favorite merc but i could be biased bc hell yeah boston babey!!!!! also i love idiot bastards

anyways tysm for the ask i Love just saying lots of words and being annoying owo

[annakie]

An Annotated Mass Effect Playthrough, Part Eight

List of Posts: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

I accidentally messed up the numbering on part Seven’s link to post six, so if you missed post six (or yesterday’s part seven), the numbering up there is correct.

Wherein we get back out into the galaxy, explore, help some people, and kill some others!

So now that we have Liara, it’s time to really dig into the galaxy.  We have a few people we talked to on the CItadel who need help, and maybe we’ll stumble into a few more things along the way.

First of all, let’s check out the galaxy map...

Hey wait a sec, what’s this?

Petra Nebula!?  Oh hey, another new addition by the ME1 Recalibrated mod.

Gorgeous map, only one system available.

Heeeey we recognize this place, we’ll get to go there in.... two games!

Can’t land there (or anywhere in the system) but it’s cool that it exists! There are a couple of other neat little things in the system I didn’t screenshot so that you can have a cool new experience yourself if you decide to use the mod on your next playthrough.

What I really miss from ME3, by the way, is the % markers which note when you’ve fully explored a system or if there’s more stuff to find there.

Anyway, my PLAN had been to take a screenshot of each planet or spacecraft before I entered it to help orient the playthrough better, and then the non-screenshotting couple of hours happened, so we lost some of that along the way, sorry.  

Still, let’s see what kind of trouble we can get ourselves into.

I love this planet.  The lava juuuuust below the surface, peeking out.  Just some of the coolest terrain in the game.

What a great view, let’s get a little clo--

OOPS.

I meant to do that.

Wide open spaces with no fears of a thresher maw living in the lava! ...I hope?

Ah, here’s our objective, a distress signal being sent from this location, let’s see if we can help...

FUCKING GETH AMBUSH.

Aw yeah, jumping over those explosives like a pro!

...most of the time.

Well this planet was a bust.  Let’s see if we can actually help someone.

Another planet, scanned a few things, not sure what we’re doing here but hey, I found a lone building!

Ah yes, a prefab which is totally different from all the prefabs we’ll enter because the creates are stacked in a different configuration.

Honestly they should have put one of these prefabs in ME3 for Old Times Sake. (The ones that actually look like homes/labs/whatever make so much more sense.)

Annnd we’re being attacked.  Not sure why, but here we go!

Awww yeah, Throw!  And Ash and Kaidan managing to be useful I think?

Except they let a guy slip by us, but luckily there’s a convenient explosive nearby.  That got ‘em.

OK back to facing forward OH FUCK A KROGAN.

Kaidan’s biotics and my shotgun, a favorite combination.  Now stay down!

Sweet, level up!

And that fight’s over, time to explore this pla...

Whew, thanks Kaidan.

This guy thought he could sneak past me.  Well me, my shotgun and my 20 shield strength sure showed him.

ME1 combat is so... messy though.  I mean, I honestly still enjoy it, but I’m in the camp that agrees combat gets better every game, Andromeda included.  Of course, I just REALLY LOVE Vanguarding in ME3... charging into a group of enemies, hitting Nova, spamming charge again praying that I’ll find a good target to charge to in time.  ME1 combat is basically all just... spam abilities from cover and hope your companions are doing something useful.  Being a Vanguard is more about style over substance in ME here.  I mean you do get some really useful abilities, but your shotgun isn’t that much use unless things get too close.

Which, you know, they do pretty often.

Anyway, remember... I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!

FUCK I hadn’t been back to the Citadel to pick up Nassana Dantius’ quest yet.  Let’s just reload the quicksave from outside and we’ll... come back and do this the right way later and see the entire quest.

I do this more often than I care to admit.

Also no screenshot for this but... I also found Wrex’s personal quest planet and recognized it only when I saw the building, since it’s in a pretty memorable location.  Still, grabbed everything else off the planet so it’ll be quick when it’s time to go back and do that quest.

Well let’s go back to poking around the galaxy.

Message coming in.  Patching it through.

Ah, yeah, hey Hackett.  What’s that?  You’ve got some dirty work you need me to do for you?  Cool, be right there.

Before the ME2 DLC Arrival came out, Hackett was one of Mass Effect’s biggest mysteries.  Who is this guy?  Why is he telling us to do things?  Does he have some secret agenda?  Why is he so sketchy?  Our Shepards seemed to trust him but WOW he sure did send us on some touchy missions.  Speculation was all over the place on what he looked like and what he was really doing.

Turns out, he’s just a pretty cool guy who wants you to take on all the secret spy missions the Alliance doesn’t want to take credit for.

I wish I’d saved it, but just a week or two ago I saw a pretty great post circulating about Hackett.  He IS the guy that’s going to make sure a job gets done, even if he’s not going to do it himself.  He’s the back-room Admiral with the squeaky clean image up front.  He’s the Gus Fring of the Alliance.

Also getting Lance Riddick to voice him was great.  Just a real authoritative, steady guy who you actually want to trust.  

And it turns out he looks basically exactly like most people thought, but maybe with a few more scars. (I mean, he really looks a lot like Lance Riddick, tbh)  But we don’t know that yet.  For now, let the mystery be.

Time to actually go help someone.

Ah yeah, Chairman Burns, we do negotiate with terrorists, in this case.  But they needed negotiating with.

Maxing out the Paragon-meter is worth it for moments like this.  These guys have probably suffered and it’s no surprise that no one has really listened.  Sounds like a lot about the galaxy hasn’t changed since we got out there.

This is also an excellent moment for Kaidan.

Being able to let Kaidan reason with them is fantastic.  Although he probably ultimately doesn’t make a difference mechanics wise, it’d be nice if maybe the check is easier if he’s here.  I don’t know.  But Kaidan knows, even if he’s one of the “lucky” ones who “only” gets migraines.  

One of the grossest posts I’ve seen about Kaidan are people who argue she shouldn’t be on the team because of his implants and since he has a “disability”.  Or that it’s “kinder” to sacrifice him on Virmire.  That’s some real gross ablism you’ve got there.  

Anyway, I love being able to keep this situation under control. Burns actually comes through if you do, even if those guys probably go to prison for awhile for terrorism.  Better than being dead.

Time for... another planet!

Again, didn’t take a screencap of this one but... there’s a missing survey team? I must have picked this quest up in the elevators, because normally you get it on Noveria.  Anyway,  Let’s go find them on Trebin, I’m sure they just can’t broadcast anymore or something.  It’s cool

FUCK. SHIT SHIT SHIT.  FUCK!!!

I probably could have actually used Warp or Throw or even Barrier there but... too late now!  We lived!

I was all ready to blame this on Cerberus, but creepily, there’s no explanation for who huskified them or why.   I’m still going to blame Cerberus, seems like something they’d do.

Well, time to move on.

Honestly, I can’t believe anyone who says ME1 isn’t beautiful.

And driving the Mako is FUN in places like this!

Oh there’s a camp up ahead, we’re here to find the remaining crew of a crashed ship for our new friend in the Citadel Tower.  

Again, no footage/screenshot but eventually you find where the mercenaries tracked down Willem (the brother) and killed them.  Shit.  We were too late.  I actually tear up sometimes telling Garoth that his brother died.  They held out for awhile, too, but we were too late.

It would have been nice if, say, if the very first thing we did after leaving the Citadel was to come here, we could have saved him, but I guess this quest is another way of Bioware telling us that sometimes, there’s just nothing you can do to change things.

One more quest this update, then we’re stopping back off at the Citadel next.

Presrop, one of the most well-known of the sidequest planets. (OKok, technically it’s a moon.)

One of my favorite landing sequences, just because the stars make it so... dramatic.

I mean DAMN.

Klendagon's most striking feature is, of course, the Great Rift valley that stretches across the southern hemisphere. What is most fascinating about the Rift is that it does not appear to be natural. The geological record suggests it is the result of a "glancing blow" by a mass accelerator round of unimaginable destructive power. This occurred some thirty-seven million years ago.

It took a solid three minutes of Flycam flying to get that closeup shot, btw.  I actually flew all the way in the first time I came here, and didn’t take screenshots.  Took about six minutes.  The updated texture is impressive.

Well, Hackett sent us here, let’s deal with Major Kyle.

Being nice and non-threatening gets you into places.

I’ll admit, before I came in here, I decided to cheat in enough paragon points to max out Paragon already.  For me personally, I’m trying to make sure this is an “ultimate” playthrough, a save file I can just use over and over from here on out.  I want everything to import into ME3 the first time around with all the plot flags set how I want them without messing with Gibbed’s Savegame Editor, so making sure I can convince everyone how I want them to is important.  So hey, Major Kyle, stand down.

I don’t think I’ve ever played as a Ruthless Shepard in ME1, or if I have, it’s been so long I’ve forgotten how it goes.  But he was the commanding officer at the battle of Torfan, and your CO if you’re Ruthless.  He’s also a reminder of how serious PTSD can be, and what it can do to a person.  

I also love this tidbit from the Wiki, which I didn’t know since I’d never done these particular choices before:

(In Mass Effect 2)  If Martin Burns was not saved in 2183, a news report on the Citadel will announce that Kyle is trying to form an all-biotic community as the reparations were not given to L2 biotics and they have become even more alienated from galactic society.

I really liked that if you reason with him, he doesn’t give you any trouble and turns himself in like he says.

Hey, this negotiation thing is easy when you’re the best person in the galaxy at it!!

[sykhan048]

Your Beloved...(Chapter 21)

Jack: Captain Salazar!!

Will: Who is he?

Barbosa:  Armando Salazar was the legendary, yet terrifying pirate hunter who haunted the Caribbean. Hailing from Spain, Salazar was a Spaniard, a man whose family was destroyed by pirates when he was a child. For many years, Salazar terrorized the seas, hunting and killing thousands of pirates until his spectacular fall from grace when a young pirate named Jack Sparrow outsmarted the ruthless Butcher of the Sea and led him to his death in the mysterious Devil's Triangle.

Elizabeth: Jack??

Jack: Yes. (replied like a pro)

Will: But how did Salazar freed from that triangle? Wasn't he trapped their?

Jack: Let it be Turner... (nervous) That's not important. (acting serious) We should sort this issue.

Barbosa: Why? Are you involve in these matter?

Jack: no...no...not at all..no...

Gibs: Capt'n?

Jack: I had no money so, I have to sell my compass.

Barbosa: You gave you compass??? (Shout)

Will: What's the big deal?

Jack: yeh...what's the big deal? I got back my compass again.

Barbosa: Your compass is a magical compass and If it lost it's master once, it will open the devils triangle. That time, The previous master died so, the door of triangle was got open. After the compass get it's new master the door closed and Salazar trapped in. 

Everyone: What????

Elizabeth: Another curse. (disappoint).

Person: Now he want jack sparrow to take him revenge.

Will: Is there any way to get rid of this cursed?

Barbosa: Don't know. I've heard that there is a diary which has the way to get rid of all the curse of sea.

They all are talking suddenly Elizabeth feel something unusual. She ran to the edge of ship and threw everything from her stomach. Everyone get scared.

Will: Elizabeth...

He wanted to go to her but he can't. Bill hold Elizabeth's hand. Then he observed her face carefully. Something clicked his mind.

Bill: My dear, Do you Feel something unusual? Like women's use to feel but you are not feeling now?

Will: What do you mean?

Bill: I saw this things to your mother when you were in her womb? Elizabeth, You are a women. You could understand better.

Elizabeth: Father, You guessed right. 

Said with a blush.

Everyone congratulate her. Will is very very happy. He wanted to be with Elizabeth. He want to hug her. He want to be with his wife and his child. But he couldn't for the curse.

At Endeavour,

Mini: Cutler...Pleeeeeeease.... (pleading)

Cutler: No..And Let go of me..

Mini: Please meet Dr. Brown...Pleeeeeeease. (puppy eyes)

Cutler: Mini....I said once...No means no. Leave my leg. I am not going to melt at your those not so innocent eyes. (Cutler said moving his face in other direction.)

Yes...Mini is clinging around Cutler's right leg. And Cutler's one hand is on his left check. He tried to walk but it was hard for him cause Mini is clinging with him. Mini was so angry cause she usually doesn't plead to anyone. She was about to hit cutler but then controlled herself. cause in this case she have to manage this matter with patience. 

Mini: No. I won't.  How Could you forget the morning incident?

He halted.

Fb

Percival bring a bottle. He couldn't able to open it. So, Mini open it with her teeth. Percival is praising Mini that how strong she is. 

Mini: huh....Is there someone like me who is powerful here?

Mini proudly said. She and Percival is laughing.

Cutler: Percival, Don't forget I am also The Lord. I can also do it. (jumper into their conversation)

He is also try to open the bottle with his teeth but He couldn't. Moreover his teeth hurt.

Fb

Mini: I am just telling you to go to dentist. Please Cutler. Why are you afraid so much?

Cutler: I AM....AGHHH....I am not afraid. I don't think this is necessary. I am strong enough to bear teeth pain.

Groves: Excuse me Lord Becket I was saying...(He stopped in middle as the weird scene is happening in front of his eyes. Dr. Sen is Clinging with Lord Becket's leg and Lord is not looking so happy )

Cutler: Not now.

Groves leave from their.

Mini: Cutler it's not matter of being strong or brave. It's about health. And I will Never tolerate the ignorance of health.

Cutler: What ever you do I will not go to Dentist.

Mini: What kind of stubbornness It is Cutler. Fine I will never let of your leg. When you wake up in the morning I will be there, When you will be at your meeting, I will be there, When you will go to bed, I will be there. When you will go to bathroom, I will be there.

Cutler: What?? (Shocking)

Mini: I am not joking. By the way your leg is too comfy. (closing her eyes and lean more). Moreover, You teeth is giving you pain. If you go to dentist you can get rid both of me and your pain. and you won't go you will have to carry on both. So, the choice is yours.

Cutler was looking at Mini in disbelieve.

Mini: Take your time Dear. I am ok. (hugging more to his leg)

Cutler: Fine. I will go...(Frustrated) Happy!!!

Mini nods. Cutler look to her hand which was still holding his leg.

Cutler: Will You please now get of me? (sarcastic)

Mini: I don't want to but it's ok. (loudly) Percival becket is coming. get ready the cart.

Cutler: You prepared everything already?

Mini: Yes. because I knew that you will never disobey me.

Cutler: You're impossible.

Mini: ISSSSHHHH....Thank you.

Cutler sigh and look to her.

Mini: Now Come on.

She hold Cutler's hand and drag him. 

[ask-the-swapfell-crew]

the script

Swapfell: A version of Underswap AU that has been heavily inspired by the dark concept of Underfell AU. Swapfell [Pacifist Route]

==Chara==

The fallen child. Wears a jumpsuit. Default items: Knife & bandage

==Temmie==

(Translator’s note: not too sure if Temmie’s manner of speech would change completely or be kept the same as the one in the original game.)

Tem: "HOI! I’m Temmie.

U R new to the RUINS, roight? U muss b so…CONFOOSED! This place really scary YAYA! TEmmie helps you get outta here. First…try dodging these bullets! They gonna hurt U!”

-When hit: Tem: “HOIVS! Is hUman okay? Tem sorry, Tem threw them too fast”.

-When you successfully dodge the bullets: Tem: “Hooman done rly well YAYA! But this is the simplest kind of attack…Outside the RUINS, there’s goin to b so many scarier things… HO…HOIVS!? He…ASGORE is comin! Tem sorry, Hooman, Tem gotta go NAO!” (Temmie disappears to the ground after jumping up like a fox)

==Asgore==

A black goat. Wears a robe. Wields magic.

Asgore: “Finally, a human has fallen down.

It’s been a very long time since the last time this has happened… The throne made for the King of all monsters…With the human SOUL, I can finally fulfil my dream of claiming it mine! The Queen [Toriel] shall perish, and I will become the new ruler of the underground! Human, I must take you alive to the castle, and to the Queen. There’s no point in trying to escape from me, human. After all, the only way out from this place is past me, which would lead you straight to the castle. But first! I’ll have to see if you are worthy of being taken. Outside the RUINS dwells much greater danger, and if you can’t even look after yourself in this place, then…there’s no point in keeping someone as weak as you alive. I have important errands to run ahead, so survive and reach the end of the RUINS by yourself! Oh, I’ll leave you with this cell phone just in case, but I sure hope that I’ll never need to hear you call me for help.”

[RUINS, act 1]

(*The shadow of the RUINS wraps the air. You are filled with DETERMINATION.)

(The puzzles inside the RUINS have been destroyed. The broken parts of the puzzles are scattered across the paths, leaving a huge mess.) (The walls and the pillars have cracks on them)

==Dummy==

(Temmie reappears) Tem: “T-Tem is sorry! Tem didn’t try to run away without U, Human. Tem just too scared of…him…N-Nevermind that! Look! That’s a DUMMY, YAYA! Try talking to the Dummy, Human!

[MERCY] Tem: “uuuhm, Tem thinks this not a bad idea!” [ACT -> TALK] Tem: “Human well done!! If U talk to monsters like this, Tem is sure monsters will let Human go!

W…What if they DON’T let Human go?? …WeL…Maybe Human can th-threaten them…? With the Kn-Knife…? Beat them up…? O-or…Gib dem MoNs???

U see, that’s the kind of place this is, Human. Even tho it’s not good and U might not like it, U will habe to do those kinds of things…”

[RUINS, act 2]

Tem: “Sorry Human, Tem has to go back to where Human had fallen down for now. Don’t worry, Tem sure Human will B safe! The puzzles in the RUINS hab been destroyed by Asgore, so there will B nothing else around than some monsters, YayA! BTW, thank U Human…for trusting Tem!!!”

(*Whenever you walk across the paths, paved with scattered pieces of broken pillars and walls, the crackling sound echoes through the hallway. The thought of your journey ahead fills you with DETERMINATION.)

(Monster Candies and ‘G’) *It’s a note from Temmie: -HOI! It’s Tem. Tem forgot to gib Human these! They will help Human, YAyA!

*There are 3 Monster Candies and 400G. Will you take them? Y/N

(Moving the talking rock) Rock: “Nuh-uh, sorry pardoner. Ain’t gonna work, I ain’t movin an inch from this spot. Some nasty folk glued me down so that the traps dun’t move. Who that folk is, you askin’? Well, I’m preey sure you know just who.”

(The SAVE point near the mouse hole) * Although the walls are full of holes, the lone mouse inside the hole still intrigues you. Your curiosity fills you with DETERMINATION.)

[By inspecting the mouse hole repeatedly, a special dialogue script will be triggered.] *…? There’s something shining inside the mouse hole.

(Translator’s note: Seems like the author hasn’t decided what that special something would be yet.)

==Hapstablook==

Hapstablook: ........................................ ............................................... (Why are they still just standing there?) .............................................. *There’s a ghost crying, and they are blocking your way. *Will you move them forcibly? Y/N

Y -> *Here comes Hapstablook.

*[Check] *[Flirt] *[Threaten] *[Compliment]

[Compliment] *You try to encourage Hapstablook by complimenting them enthusiactically.

Hapstablook: “w…what?”

*Hapstablook seems to feel a little better.

[Compliment the second time] *You tell Hapstablook that they have a beautiful voice.

Hapstablook: “Gee, I know. Thank you so much…In return, I will let you hear more of my lovely voice.”

*Your compliments seem to have lifted Hapstablook’s mood.

*Hapstablook wants to show you something.

Hapstablook: “Wait, hold on a moment! Look at this! I call this ‘StarBlook’.”

*Hapstablook is excitedly anticipating your (kind) response.

Hapstablook: “Ah, of course! I usually come to the RUINS to practice because there’s hardly anybody here… But today I met somebody FABULOUS! Oh, am I blocking your way? I will move away just for you, darling. I hope to see you later!”

(Grillby’s chain store)

*A collection of Fire Restaurant’s finest dishes! Please visit the main store if you liked tasting the samples. Fire Salad 15 G : A bowl of flames. It seems as if it would burn your insides when you swallow it. Wait, would it really? Heals 20 HP Fire Wine 50 G : A fancy bottle of flames. It glows beautifully, but it doesn’t seem as appetising... nor does it look safe to drink. But you still wonder what it would taste like. Heals MAX HP. If you drink it, your vision would become blurry and you go dizzy for 1 minute.

(The promotion sign) *Did you miss it? Fire restaurant promo sale down and to the right. We offer you the one and only chance to taste the popular dishes from Fire Restaurant at the lowest prices! Come have the ‘hottest’ dishes made by flames, for flames, of flames!

[Asgore’s HOME]

(*Seeing a small and worn out, yet majestic house in a place like this fills you with DERTERMINATION.)

Asgore: “I’m surprised that you have actually made it this far. Well, not really. I did destroy all the puzzles, after all. I honestly don’t understand why anyone would think it is necessary to have something as annoying as those puzzles. What’s the point of having them if everyone going through the RUINS is going to get killed by me? Anyways, human. Go to the first room to your right. You must rest so that you are in your best state when I present you to the Queen.”

[Check Mirror] *It’s you.

[Going down stairs without talking to Asgore] Asgore: “Go upstairs, if you want to stay alive. I have yet to remove the bombs and mines down here.”

“Know that I can lock you up anytime if I want, human. Just go to your room.”

“You are the hope of monsters and humans. I cannot let you go alone, for I should be the one that takes you to the castle.”

*You tell Asgore that you are going to go outside the RUINS by yourself.

Asgore: “…If that’s how you are going to behave, I will have to destroy the door. Then, you will be trapped here unless you finally decide to come with me. Now, go back to your room. This is an order.”

[The Door] Asgore: “You wish to go back home, don’t you? Ahead of this corridor lies the door to the rest of the underground. I’m going to destroy it. You won’t be able to run away from me then. Go back upstairs, human. Every human who falls down here never gets out alive. I’ve seen so many of them trying to escape, but they all have failed, and died.   Foolish human. If you go outside, the Queen…Toriel…will kill you. But if you let me take you to the castle, I can let you live on and I will protect you, once I become the King.

You don’t have the power to stop me! ... Even the Queen, Toriel, is yet to defeat me. If you truly wish to go outside, prove to me that you are strong enough to survive. Prove yourself by defeating me!

[Fighting Asgore]

*Asgore blocks your way! - Author’s note: the solution to this fight is very similar to the one from Undertale. You must fight to defeat him.

[After defeating Asgore] Asgore: “...You were…much stronger than I’ve thought... (Looks up at Chara) You… really want to go through that door…that much?”

[Attack] [>Mercy]

Asgore: “...Fine... Do whatever you want. There’s no way I can stop you at this rate. Go through. And meet her…Meet Toriel, the Queen.”

(Asgore stays sat in front of/near the door after letting Chara pass through)

[Last encounter with Temmie in the RUINS] Temmie: “AMAZING! U passed the door and didn’t even kill ASGORE! Human so cool…but…Tem is so….w-whateVeS!! Tem prOuds of human!! The outside gon b so cruel and scarier…but…Tem believes that Human can do what Tem couldn’t… N-NO! Human no need to feel pressure! Tem always gonna watch U… and helps U!! So Human, Dun’t Die!!!!”

[Way to Snowdin Town] *...? *There’s a camera in the bushes. It smells of gunpowder…?

==Papyrus==

He’s always smoking, with his one eye almost closed most of the times. He wears a black sleeveless shirt, a pair of white socks, and a pair of black Adidas slippers with 3 white lines across on each one of the pair. His bones are all yellow except for his skull. He sells Tortillas.

Papyrus: "Human. Don’t you know how to treat your new pal?

Just hand over your filthy wad of money, that’s all it takes.”

*You hand over your money to the mysterious being.

Papyrus: “...? What. That’s all you’ve got? Darn it, today’s the worst. Make sure you carry around some more next time, ya little snotface. Anyways, you are human, right? I can’t believe one actually had managed to come out from…there. I’m Papyrus. Papyrus the Skeleton. I’m supposed to be looking for humans, but…Ya know. I can’t really be bothered. I really don’t care what happens to this place as long as I get my money. But my brother… ‘Sans’, he’s a human-hunting maniac. He’s gonna be running down here yelling at any moment, I’m pretty sure.

Hey bucko, not that I care if you die or not, but how bout I hide you from him for a while? It’s not going to be for free, though. Maybe helping you like this will make it up for giving me all that money just now? Here, if you wanna make the deal, cross this bridge.”

(A giant boulder falls and destroys the bridge as both Papyrus and Chara crosses to the other side of the bridge)

*You feel streams of cold sweat running down your back.

Papyrus: “Oh, I haven’t told you about the traps, have I. There’s gonna be heaps more of these on the way. Quick, hide behind the sentry station, would ya.”

(You do just that)

“Sup, Sans.”

==Sans==

His clothes has the Delta Rune symbol on the left chest area. He also has the symbol on his pupils. There’s a long open crack above his left eye socket area, probably similar to the one Horrortale Sans has. Loves SANSdwiches (ba dum tss). Says ‘NGH-HEH HEH!’ as he laughs. His weapon is a scythe made of bones AND it looks like a bone (translator’s note: Not sure how that would work but that’s what it says).

SANS: "DON’T !!!!!!!!! ‘SUP’ ME, PAPYRUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN’T YOU SEE THAT THE BRIDGE’S BEEN BROKEN? WAS IT YOU WHO’D TOUCHED THE TRAPS?! YOU IDIOT!!! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO THE REGULAR MAINTENANCE ON IT, NOT BREAK IT!! ALL YOU DO IS SMOKE ALL DAY AND MESS THINGS UP FOR ME, PAPYRUS! AND JUST LOOK AT YOUR SICKLY, YELLOWING BONES!”

Papyrus: “Dude, I bet I’m gonna live for so long at this rate, my bones are turning into gold. Nye-heh.”

SANS: “UGH, THAT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING FUNNY, PAPS!!! AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING JUST THEN, YOU WERE SMOKING LIKE A HOUSE ON FIRE AGAIN, WEREN’T YOU???”

Papyrus: “No not at all, bro. I was gonna smoke over there at the sentry station.”

SANS: “FOR HECK’S SAKE! IF YOU’VE GOT TIME FOR THAT, GO CLEAR THAT BOULDER AND FIX THE TRAPS, YOU SCUM! WHAT IF A HUMAN COMES THROUGH???! DON’T YOU DARE TARNISH MY REPUTATION BY LETTING THEM ESCAPE, PAPYRUS! I AM THE BEST! I MUST BE THE BEST! I WILL CAPTURE A HUMAN! AND I, THE MAGNIFICENT SANS, WILL RISE TO THE TOP WHERE EVERYONE WILL LOOK UPON ME WITH THEIR UTMOST RESPECT!! MORE HONOUR….MORE RECOGNITION…I WILL FINALLY FULLFIL MY DREAM OF BECOMING A ROYAL GUARD! SERIOUSLY, I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY I AM STILL NOT ACCEPTED TO THE ROYAL GUARD. EVERYONE OBVIOUSLY FEARS AND OBEYS THE MAGNIFICENT SANS, SO WHY???”

Papyrus: “Um, prolly cuz you always get into troubles.” SANS: “WHAT?! YOU ARE THE ONE CAUSING ALL THE TROUBLES, YOU ROTTENING BAG OF BONES! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MY HARDSHIPS! YOU REEK AND I DON’T EVEN WANT TO GO NEAR YOU!!!!”

Papyrus: “But we don’t even have noses, Sans.”

SANS: “GAH!!!(*DISGUSTED SKELETON NOISES*)”

Papyrus: “Chillax, dude. It’s true tho, right?”

SANS: “IT IS AND I HATE IT!!! SIGH… WHY DOES SOMEONE AS MAGNIFICENT AS ME…HAVE TO GET NEGLECTED LIKE THIS?”

Papyrus: “Well, you ARE pretty violent. You literally beat up any monsters that you come across.

I bet they are all scared…and…

…rattling their bones…”

SANS: “GAH!!!!!!!! I’M HAVING A POUNDING HEADACHE JUST TALKING TO YOU!!!”

Papyrus: “Zowie, that’s BONKers.”

SANS: “SCREW YOU PAPYRUS!!!!!!!!!I’M OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!”

[Sans goes off-stage]

Papyrus: “You can come out now, snotface. Oh you look pale, did ya hafta hold your breath cuz of the smoke? I don’t know how that feels cuz I’m just a skelee.”

* You tell him that the smell of rotting sandwiches was killing you more than the smoke did.

Papyrus: “Oh damn, I forgot about those again. Sans made those. Those are uh…you know. Those taste like cheese stuck between dirty socks. Would you believe me if I told you those smell like fruits, when freshly served? He makes me eat that garbage EVERYDAY. I don’t understand how he can suck so much at making something so basic.

Oh, got a little distracted, haven’t we.

Welp, I did your money’s worth. You should get going. He might come back. And when he sees you then, he will decapitate you. You wouldn’t want that to happen, aye?”

(And just as you try to enter the next map…)

Papyrus: “Um actually… the area beyond this point is full of traps because Sans is in charge. You are most likely going to die if you take a step there. How bout I guide you to a shortcut? Not for free, obviously.

Howzaboutit?”

150 G Will you pay him? [>N]

(You die immediately in the area that comes next to Sans & Papyrus encounter that is bound to happen after this payment) GAME OVER ???: “Chara! You are the hope of my future. Stay determined!” [>Y] Papyrus: “Sweet. It’s a deal. The shortcut’s just over there. I’ll see you in the next room, bucko.”

(Translator’s note: It doesn’t quite make sense to me how Chara could have paid more money, when Papyrus took all their money the first time. Are they using cheques or something? Put it on the tab?)

*(??? ???? ??? ??? ????(I can’t translate this, it just doesn’t make sense to my thick skull).)

[Papyrus & Sans]

SANS: “SO, AS I WAS SAYING ABOUT ALPHYS.”

!

SANS: “YOU! YOU MUST BE…A HUMAN, RIGHT?! OH, THE DAY HAS FINALLY COME!”

Papyrus: “Hmm, I think that’s a rock, Sans.”

SANS: “ARE YOU BLIND!! THAT’S DEFINITELY NOT A ROCK!!”

Papyrus: “Well…About that...(Stares with his right eye half-closed)”

SANS: ….(>:^[) Papyrus: “My righ—”

SANS: “GAH!!!!!!!WHATEVER!!!! THAT’S A HUMAN! A HUMAN FINALLY ARRIVES! ALPHYS WILL… I’M GONNA… I’LL BECOME… A ROYAL GUARD! I CAN BECOME A ROYAL GUARD! OH YES I SURE WILL! HUMAN! YOU SHALL NOT PASS THIS AREA.

BECAUSE I, THE MAGNIFICENT SANS, WILL DECAPITATE YOU!! WELL ACTUALLY, THAT COMES AFTER I’D CAPTURED YOU.

YOU WILL BE TAKEN TO ALPHYS!

AND!

ANNND!

UM.

WELL, SOMETHING’S GONNA HAPPEN. YEAH!

THE NEXT STAGE TO THIS AREA IS MY TURF, AND I’M SURE YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO SURVIVE MY TRAPS!! NGH-HEH-HEH!!!!” (goes off-stage)

Papyrus: “Well then, shall we go?”

                   ?                  ?? ||||||||        ??? ||||||||   +---- ||||||||-+ ||||||||?? ||||||||   ?????

[The shortcut takes both of them to that part of the game immediately, skipping all the maps that were supposed to come prior to it]

Papyrus: “There’s a town just past the bridge. Good luck, chump.”

[Long bridge before Snowdin Town]

SANS: “WHAT!!!  HOW DID YOU GET PAST MY TRAPS SO EASILY…AND SO FAST TOO, HUMAN?? YOU SLIPPERY SNAIL! WELL, WHATEVER! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SURVIVE THIS ONE! BE HOLD, THIS IS YOUR LAST AND MOST DANGEROUS CHALLENGE: THE GAUNTLET OF DEADLY TERROR!”

(Various traps come down)

“WITH MY COMMAND, EVERYTHING WILL ACTIVATE! CANNONS WILL FIRE, SPIKES WILL FALL! AND BLADES WILL SWING! THE CHANCES OF YOU SURVIVING THIS, YOU ASK? NONE! ARE YOU READY, HUMAN??? BECAUSE I! AM! ABOUT! TO DO IT!”

?...

Papyrus: “Uh, something wrong, dude?”

SANS: “UGH, WHY ISN’T THIS STUPID THING WORKING?? WHY?? ARGH, SCREW THIS!! I’M SICK OF EVERYTHING ALWAYS TRYING TO RUIN MY DAY! JUST YOU WAIT, HUMAN! I AM DEFINITELY GOING TO KILL YOU AFTER I FIX THE GAUNTLET OF DEADLY TERROR!” (Sans goes off-stage)

Papyrus: “Hmm, so I guess…my role as your helper ends here? It’s just about enough labour for the money’s worth, don’t ya agree? Heeey, how come you are looking at me like that, as if you’re getting ripped off? I honestly did so much for you. You should thank me.”

[Snowdin Town]

(*All the houses in the town are old, boring and colourless. The townspeople look sad, and they do not seem to even have the strength to stand straight. Despite the depressing air that fills the whole town, the orange decorative lights above your head flicker, filling you with DETERMINATION.)

==Asriel==

Asriel: "You are a human, aren’t you?

But why would one be here? Well um…whatever. Are you going to the CORE as well? To see mom…I mean, the Queen Toriel?

It must have been so hard for you, to have come all the way here.”

==Snowdin Shop, Gerson==

Welcome. Watcha need?

[You say hello] Gerson: “You are not from around here, aren’t ye? Welcome to Snowdin Town. It’s been forever since the last time there’s been an outsider here. This stinking town’s not made for attracting tourists, after all. So, where dizya come from? The capital? You don’t look like a traveller.”

[You ask him about the things to do in Snowdin Town] Gerson: “…You seriously want to hang out here in Snowdin? Huh. Well, there is a big restaurant run by a lady called Muffet. The food there is okay-ish from what I know, but she’s a stingy one. Never misses a digit when it comes to counting money.

Also, you’ll see a library right next to the restaurant. I don’t recommend going inside, so don’t blame me if you do end up going there. It’s all dusty from years of neglect, and all you’ll find there are some outdated books and old, rusty, creaking desks.

Right next to my shop is the inn. Maybe you can rest there, but the beds? They have the worst kind. Plain horrible. They make your back hurt for a week. Oh, and it seems that the owner of the inn has a sister who’s apparently went out to live in Waterfall. I don’t know much of what happened to her.

By the way, have you seen a pair of funky skeletons on the street? Be careful out there, kiddo. If you stay outside for too long, they might come and molest you, take your money away or maybe even cut off all your limbs. Brothers, I think. They just suddenly appeared one day, threatening the townsfolk and…things here have gotten worse than ever. Now everyone’s traumatised and always terrified.”

[The history of the town] Gerson: “What, are you seriously asking me about the history of the town, right here and now? Do kids even go to school these days...Hmm, actually, that’s understandable. The underground school is utter trash. Alright kid, here it goes.

Long ago, many monsters used to live in the RUINS. Long story short, they all eventually had to evacuate to the end of the underground. But only the rich and the strong survived the journey to the end, and the poor and the weak, such as myself, left behind the cold and dark place we now call Snowdin.

That being said, you should keep away from the RUINS. The door there had been locked for ages, but you shouldn’t even try unless you are a ghost or have a reason to dig a big ol’ tunnel through the ground. Anyone who gets near the door, dies.”

[About life] Gerson: “Life? It’s always the same, full of struggles and frustration. I’m gonna become claustrophobic just hiding inside like this every day. I want to go out to the surface again. Who wouldn’t? This wretched place’s the worst you can ever set your feet into. The ones of higher power repress the poor and the weak, and somewhere, every day, someone gets murdered and unspeakable things rot people’s mind. Who’d ever want to live here? But for us to all escape from this damned place, the magical barrier has to be taken down, which the Queen has yet to accomplish. I don’t have high hopes. Even if she does take it down someday, only the privileged monsters living at CORE will escape, and the rest will be abandoned like we always had been.

So, young one, if you want my word of advice, all I can tell you is: ‘get out of here as soon as you can’.”

[The Librarby]

-*(These are school reports about monster funerals. The yellowing sheets of paper suggest that they are from very long ago.) Monster funerals, technically speaking, are dumb as heck. When monsters get old and kick the bucket, they turn into dust. At funerals, we take that dust and spread it on that person’s favourite thing. They say the person’s memory will live on those things forever. Seriously, it’s an awfully dumb tradition.

-*While monsters are mostly made of magic, human beings are mostly made of water. Humans, with their physical forms, are far stronger than us. But they will never know the joy of getting their custom magic-bullet-patterned merchandises. It’s all about business, baby!

-*Because they are made of magic, monsters’ bodies are attuned to their SOUL. If a monster doesn’t want to fight, its defence will weaken. And the crueller the intentions of our enemies, the more their attacks will hurt us. Therefore, if a being with a powerful SOUL struck with the desire to kill…

-* “MONSTER HISTORY PART 4” Fearing the humans, we evacuated out of our old home, RUINS. We braved through the harsh cold, damp swampland, and searing heat…Until we reached what we now call our capital. But what we couldn’t have foreseen was the battle between the monster kinds. Poverty and appalling crimes, along with our grudge against humanity, have let the monster society to fall apart.

-*Love… hope… compassion…? (Various words are scribbled, but are cancelled out to make it hard to read them) This is what people say monster SOULs are made of. But the absolute nature of “SOUL” is unknown. After all, humans have proven that monster SOULs don’t need these things to exist.

[Bonebrother’s mail boxes]

(LEFT) (*The name ‘SANS’ is written on this mailbox. It’s full of memo papers and letters. None of them seems to have been read, but they are still all crumpled anxiously. You also notice that some of the letters are about the bills.) (RIGHT) (*This mailbox is completely boarded up with wooden panels.)

[Sans Fight]

SANS: “HUMAN. ALTHOUGH IT IS A SHAME FOR ME TO ADMIT, I GET THAT YOU ARE PRETTY DARN STRONG AND CLEVER. AFTER ALL, YOU HAVE GOTTEN PAST MY TRAPS, SUCCESSFULLY UPSETTING SOMEONE AS MAGNIFICENT AS ME! ALSO…UH…PAPYRUS TOLD ME THAT YOU’D EATEN ONE OF MY SANDWICHES, AND SO GRACEFULLY, TOO! IS THAT TRUE?”

[*You tell him that you have not----]

SANS: “WELL, IT IS TRUE THAT MY COOKING SKILL IS THE FINEST!”

[*You try again to tell him that it’s all a lie------]

SANS: “I UNDERSTAND, HUMAN. MY SANDWICHES MUST BE SO GOOD (Translator’s note: it sure does bring all the boys and girls to the yard, am I right lads or am I right lads) , HOW ELSE WOULD YOU HAVE EATEN ONE THAT’S GOTTEN SO OLD? YOU MUST REALLY LIKE (MY) SANDWICHES! ( ?° ?? ?°) AND YOU ARE SO STRONG, TOO. I’VE NOTICED THAT YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO PULL THROUGH MY DEVIOUSNESS AND ENTERTAIN ME FOR A WHILE! THE PEOPLE I’VE KILLED SO FAR HAVE DIED WAY TOO EASILY, AND IT’S NOT BEEN SO FUN FOR ME, YOU KNOW? UNTIL…YOU’VE CAME ALONG! OH, I SURE AM GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. OH, THE WHOLE KILLING YOU THING? DON’T WORRY TOO MUCH; I STILL NEED THE PERMISSION TO KILL YOU. SO, THAT’S BEING POSTPONED. NOW, HUMAN. I, THE MAGNIFICENT SANS, WILL… WAIT…. NO. I CAN’T SHOW YOU MY TRUE POWER AND MIGHTINESS UNLESS I STRIKE WITH THE INTENTION TO KILL YOU! AND I’VE WANTED TO TEST IT FOR LONG, TOO…ON AN ACTUAL, STRONG HUMAN LIKE YOU! HUMAN, I SHALL FIGHT YOU TO FINALLY REACH MY TRUE POTENTIAL! THAT I HAVE YET! TO HAVE WITNESS! AS THE NEWEST MEMBER… OF THE ROYAL GUARD!

*Sans blocks your way!

[Act>Check]

Sans [ATK and DEF : (awaiting author’s input)] He likes to say “NGH-HEH-HEH!”

SANS: “NGH-HEH-HEH!” (or) *Sans whispers ‘NGH-HEH-HEH!’ to you.

SANS: “WHAT, YOU AREN’T GONNA FIGHT? WELL! THAT MEAN’S I WILL HAVE TO THROW THE FIRST BLOW! TAKE THIS, YOU ARE GONNA HAVE A TERRIBLE TIME!

NGH-HEH-HEH!”

*The blade on Sans’ scythe glows cyan blue.

SANS: “NGH-HEH-HEH, I SEE YOU TRYING TO DODGE!

BUT HOW LONG WILL YOU LAST JUST BY DODGING?”

* Sans excitedly swings the scythe that’s been resting on his shoulders.

SANS: “I HOPE YOU WILL SURVIVE AS FAR TO SEE MY SPECIAL ATTACK, HUMAN!

* Sans is reminded of the time Papyrus had blown out cigarette smoke on Sans’ face, and frowns in disgust.

SANS: “GAH!! I’M GETTING DISTRACTED BECAUSE YOU ARE MOVING SO SLOW!”

* Sans is preparing for something.

SANS: “EVERYTHING WILL GO AS PLANNED ONCE I HAND YOU OVER TO ALPHYS.”

*Sans is laughing hysterically.

SANS: “AND THEN, SHE WILL FINALLY LET ME BE AN OFFICIALLY CERTIFIED ROYAL GUARD!

AS FOR PAPYRUS…GAH, I CAN’T CARE LESS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO THAT MONEY DRIVEN FOOL!”

*Sans is pretending to be cool.

SANS: “FROM THEN, THOSE ANNOYING LETTERS WILL STOP BEING DELIVERED TO MY HOUSE…AND I BET INSTEAD, SO MANY PEOPLE WILL GATHER AROUND MY HOUSE TO PAY THEIR RESPECT TOWARD ME!”

[When you are left with only 1 HP]

SANS: “I…I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ARE SO WEAK??? ARE YOU MESSING AROUND WITH ME?? THIS IS NOT FUN AT ALL! THERE’S NO WAY YOU ARE THE SAME PERSON WHO HAD DEFEATED ALL MY TRAPS! UNBELIEVABLE! YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR NOT LETTING ME USE MY SPECIAL ATTACK! I’M GOING TO PUT YOU IN THE ‘DUNGEON (PAPYRUS CALLS IT OUR GARAGE BUT ‘DUNGEON’ SOUNDS COOLER)!”

[BONEBROTHERS’ GARAGE]

*It’s a note from Sans.

SANS: ‘HUMAN! YOU SHALL REMAIN HERE UNTIL ALPHYS DECIDES WHAT TO DO WITH YOU. DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO ESCAPE!’

[Check dog food bowl] *(Unfortunately, it’s just dry food)

[Check exit door] *(The door knob is broken. A note that says “Under Papyrus’ Maintenance” hangs next to it.)

SANS:  “YOU!! HOW DID YOU GET OUT? GO BACK IN THERE, ALPHYS HASN’T COME YET!!”

(Second battle with Sans, Chara down to1HP again.)

SANS: “GOT YA, HUMAN! I DONNO HOW YOU HAD MANAGED TO GET OUT ONCE, BUT I WON’T LET YOU DO THAT TWICE! IT’S DANGEROUS TO BE OUTSIDE, SO GO BACK INSIDE!

*It’s a note from Sans.

SANS: ‘YOU SHOULD REALLY NOTIFY ME FIRST IF YOU WANNA GET OUT, HUMAN. I’M NOT LETTING OTHERS KILL YOU FIRST, THAT WOULD TAINT MY REPUTATION.

[Check dog food bowl] *(It has what seems like…uh, a sandwich inside. It’s shredded into small piece.)

[Check exit door] *(The door knob is still broken, but this time it has ducktapes on.)

SANS: “WHAT, AGAIN?! IS THE DOOR KNOB STILL NOT FIXED?? AND WHY ARE YOU KEEP TRYING TO COME OUT, YOU JUST END UP BEING CAPTURED WAY BEFORE I EVEN USE MY SPECIAL ATTACK! ARE YOU BEING PERKY BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU ARE SO STRONG? YOU MUST REALLY WANT TO CHALLENGE SOMEONE AS STRONG LIKE I, HUH!”

(Third battle with Sans, Chara down to1HP again.)

SANS: “NO, NEVERMIND…YOU ARE JUST TOO WEAK.”

*It’s a note from Sans.

SANS: ‘JUST PLEASE STAY PUT, WON’T YOU? I’VE TOLD PAPYRUS FOR THE SECOND TIME TO FIX THE DAMNED DOOR KNOB, SO NOW YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO GET OUT!”

[Check exit door] *(Someone tried to fix the door with some strips of cellophane tape. There is a thread of post-its next to the door.)

PAPYRUS! I TOLD YOU TO FIX THE DOOR! Okay. DON’T JUST ADMIT IT! FIX IT NOW AND PROPERLY! ‘Properly.’ YOU CALL THIS FIXED???? Well it does shut. YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO LOCK IT! Oh hey wait, I think the door’s stuck… GAH, NEVERMIND!

SANS: “GAH, I KNEW HE WOULDN’T HAVE FIXED THE DOOR! ARE YOU JUST TRYING TO MESS WITH ME??? I DON’T HAVE THE TIME TO PLAY WITH YOU! GAH, I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS SITUATION. I COULD EASILY AMPUTATE YOUR LEGS SO YOU CAN’T WALK ANYMORE, YOU KNOW. IT SUCKS THAT I NEED TO PRESENT THE HUMAN NICE AND FRESH.”

(*Would you fight Sans for the fourth time?) >No

SANS: “HOW…HOW DARE YOU MAKE A MOCKERY OF ME!!...I’M GONNA GET LAUGHED AT FOR THIS, AREN’T I?! I WON’T BE ABLE TO BECOME A ROYAL GUARD, THEN…”

*(What would you say to him?)

-> You tell him that you are going to come back to Sans after running some errand.

SANS: “WHAT? BUT HOW CAN I TRUST YOU? WAIT A SECOND, MAYBE…MAYBE IT’S GOING TO BE FINE. YOU ARE BEING WATCHED BY ‘HER’ EVERYWHERE YOU GO IN THE UNDERGROUND, ANYWAYS. HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT THAT? THE ONLY WAY OUT HERE IS WHERE THE QUEEN IS, AND THE QUEEN WILL SURELY KILL YOU, AND BREAK THE BARRIER USING YOUR HUMAN SOUL. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO BEAT HER IF YOU ARE SO WEAK LIKE THIS.

OH, HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU MY PHONE NUMBER? I MIGHT AS WELL USE YOU FOR MY ENTERTAINMENT AS LONG AS YOU ARE ALIVE. I HAVE TO ADMIT, IT’S BEEN PRETTY FUN FIGHTING YOU, AND I’M IMPRESSED THAT YOU’VE STILL SURVIVED DESPITE BEING A WEAKLING. HERE, YOU BETTER PICK UP IMMEDIATELY WHEN I CALL YOU, OR ELSE! ANYWAYS, I’M GONNA BE AT MY HOUSE FOR A WHILE. FEEL FREE TO VISIT. LATER, HUMAN! NGH-HEH-HEH!”

[Waterfall]

*(The voices echoing through the tunnel fills you with DETERMINATION.)

(Asriel)

Asriel: “Oh, it’s you. Are you going to where Alphys is? You see, I’ve actually been trying to become a Royal Guard myself. But I would always get rejected. Mom will sure be happy again if I could become a member of the Royal Guard… Oh, don’t tell anyone that I’d said that. Haha.”

[Sentry Station]

Papyrus: “Oh, you are not dead yet? Hey, that’s pretty impressive. Me? Can’t you see that I’m working? Having two jobs means twice the money. BTW, I’m going to Muffet’s. Wanna come and talk for a bit?”

>Sure       /       No I’m busy

Papyrus: “Alright. Come this way.”

[Muffet’s]

Papyrus: “Here we are. Let’s sit there. Hey, why the mean looks? Don’t tell me you are still angry that I took all your money? I deserved to get paid for what I’ve done, you know.

Hey boss, how’s the business going?”

*(Muffet aggressively hands out to Papyrus a handful of receipts.) Muffet: “It would be going fantastically only if you would pay your tab, you stinky skeleton.”

Papyrus: “Whoa there, you look as if you are going to break my bones. I’m already broke as heck, you know.”

Muffet: “I’ve had enough of your puns, Papyrus. Get out if you are not gonna order something.”

Papyrus: “Oy snotface, ye gonna order?

[YES    /    >NO]

Papyrus: “What the hell kid, we can’t stay here if you don’t order. No, I’m not here to spend my money. I just came for a chat.

*(...Seems like you don’t have much of an option but order. What would you have?) -Spider Cider 20G    -Spider Beer 50G

Muffet: “This is the only thing a kid like you can have. Here.”

*Muffet hands you a jug of Spider Cider, aggressively.

Muffet: “Hold on there, Papyrus. Everyone has to order to stay. Hurry up and get something.

Papyrus: Um…Unfortunately, missus, I haven’t got any money on me. How about you pay for me as well, kid?

*(......Seems like you must. What would you order?) - Spider Donut 50G  -Spider Beer 50G

Papyrus: “Eh, I’ll have beer.”

*(.........You order beer.)

(Muffet goes to the back storage to fetch beer.)

Papyrus: “By the way…You seem to get along awfully well with my brother. Doesn’t he bother you?”

[he doesn’t bother me     /      > I hate the guy]

Papyrus: “Of course you do. He’s noisy and troublesome, and it’s always me who has to go around and fix his mess. It gets really annoying, and most importantly, it costs money. But it’s true that he’s pretty darn strong.

Oh, here comes the booze. Hey boss, mind if I vape?”

Muffet: >:^(

Papyrus: “Alright, I won’t. Chill.

Anyways, Snotface. He might not look it, but Sans is pretty serious about the whole ‘becoming a Royal Guard’ thing. Once, he went up to the captain of the Royal Guard and yelled at her, threatening her to accept him as a member of the Royal Guard. Of course, he got rejected because it was 3 in the morning. But Sans just kept yelling from outside her house, and not letting her sleep for once. When she couldn’t handle it anymore, she came out the door and bluntly said that she would train him. And it’s uh, still work in progress.

Oh that’s right, I have something to ask. Have you ever heard of a talking flower?” Yes / > No

Papyrus: “Gee, kid. Is there anything you actually know ABOUT…? Whatever, I’ll tell you about it. The Echo Flowers. Those purple flowers are all over Waterfall. If you try to say something to it, it will hypnotise you and make you say all the filthy truth inside your mind, and the flower will repeat it endlessly even after you are gone. So, what about it? Well…Sans has told me something weird. He seemed very upset. He said he had been hearing someone whisper things to him. Concerns…Encouragements… Advices. And sometimes, the voice even tries to lecture him for his behaviour. Don’t you find that weird? A mere echo flower wouldn’t talk that way. I was wondering if you knew anything about it, but nevermind if you don’t.

Oh, looks like I’ve dragged on for too long.

Thanks for the drink, kiddo.”

[Waterfall]

(Behind the falling water,)

(there’s an echo flower.)

*(A distorted voice can be heard from the echo flower that has been stomped on by someone.)

“Un…..d….lo….” *(You can’t seem to understand it.)

*(There’s a scrap of paper on the floor. Will you take it?) >Take it       |     Leave it be

*(You’ve got Alphys’ Letter EX.)

Items->Check – “Alphys’ Letter EX” – Desperate clawmarks cover the letter. The envelope says it is directed to Dr. Undyne.

Items->Use – It’s been sealed very tightly. In fact, you might need a chainsaw to open it. You peek through a hole made by the clawmarks, and can see a letter ‘L’.

Items-> Drop – It’s too strong to be dropped.

[Waterfall Bushes – The Hiding Spot]

SANS: “HI, ALPHYS. YOU MUST HAVE HEARD ALREADY, BUT I GOT TO FIGHT A HUMAN. YOU KNOW, THE ONE I’VE TOLD YOU ABOUT OVER THE PHONE? WHAT, DID I LOSE? HECK NO DID I LOSE, I…I LET THEM GO ON PURPOSE! AND THEY PROMISED ME TO COME BACK. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I WAS LIED TO?? THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE! BESIDES, YOU CAN ALWAYS CHECK WHERE THEY ARE ON THE CAMERAS! I’M GONNA CALL THEM AND PROVE IT. I’M GONNA PROVE THAT THEY DIDN’T LIE! WHAT?? YOU ARE GOING TOO KILL THEM YOURSELF? NO, ALPHYS! IF YOU DO THAT, I CAN’T PLAY WITH THEM ANYMORE!”

-Chara moves and makes a noise

!

(BOOM!) – Alphys jumps down and searches the tall bushes. She grabs someone up by their neck, but it’s just Asriel. She puts him down and jumps back up, disappearing into the dark.

Asriel: “Ah, that gave me the heebi jeebies! It’s all your fault I got busted. At least she’s just gone away. By the way, what the heck did you do to become their target? Oh, maybe it’s just because you are a human… But you still want to become a Royal Guard, right? It would be very tough for you, but good luck!”

*(Fear tries to overwhelm you, but you stay DETERMINED.)

*(There’s an abandoned plate of lasagne under the bench. Will you take it?) >Take it        |           Leave it be

*(You’ve obtained the Abandoned Lasagne.) -" Abandoned Lasagne " - Heals 34 HP A lame-looking lasagne made of tomato and eggplant.

Echo flower: *I wasn’t ready to take the responsibility.

*Ring Ring... SANS: “HELLO, HUMAN! THIS IS SANS. HOW DID I GET THIS NUMBER? WELL, WHAT DOES IT MATTER? ANYWAYS, I’M CALLING YOU RIGHT NOW TO CHECK WHERE YOU ARE. I’M GONNA GUESS, YOU ARE NEAR A TUNNEL, RIGHT?? WHAT, DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME WHEN I HAD TOLD YOU THAT I’M GONNA KEEP CALLING YOU? I KEEP MY WORDS, YOU KNOW? SO YOU ARE NEAR THAT TUNNEL? GOT IT, SEE YOU LATER VERY SOON!

*Click…

[The Wishing Room]

*(The walls are covered with depressing words.) ‘It’s all useless. There’s no way wishes can come true.’ ‘I’ve prayed countless times, but nothing’s been accomplished.’ ‘We have no hope, we have no dream….’ ‘There’s no hope in the Underground.’

Echo flowers: *Long ago, monsters used to whisper their wishes to the shining stars on the sky. But now, all we have is the glowing rocks on the ceiling... If our wishes could truly come true by praying to the stars, maybe we wouldn’t have been trapped down here. This proves that even the stars and the sky have abandoned us.

*There’s no way thousands of wishes would come true. Even the king has left us in despair.” *What’s the point of coming here, anyway? *Countless times I’ve prayed, and I still haven’t gotten the recognition I deserve. *Wouldn’t destroying the ceiling make us see the real stars?

[Through the cave near the Wishing Room]

*(Ancient engravings cover the wall. You can barely make them out.)

‘The War between Humans and Monsters’

*Why did the humans attack? They seem to have nothing to fear. Humans are far stronger than us monsters, given the power of their SOULs. *The SOUL power of a single human could match those of all the monsters underground combined. *However, humans have a weak point. Ironically, it’s the power of their own SOUL. With such power, Human SOULs can persist even outside their body. If a monster defeats a human, they can take their SOUL. A monster with a human SOUL... A horrible beast with unfathomable power.

*(An ancient picture of a strange creature is plastered to the wall. Seeing it makes you feel unsettled…)

[Alphys Encounter & the Chase]

Asriel: “Oh geez, it’s you again. Say, are you following me? It’s your fault if we get caught while sneaking on her again, you know. Alphys just gave me a mean look few minutes ago and I wouldn’t want to appeal to her as a troublemaker anymore than I already have because of you. Well, at least it’s nice that she’s starting to notice me more, but still.

Hey, don’t be so down. Maybe you can come again later to hang out. I bet I will be around here, like I always am.”

*(This cheese has been on this table for so long, a magical crystal has grown on it. It’s stuck to the table… Desperate claw-marks cover the surface of the crystal. )

Echo Flower: I’m sooooo huuungryyy… Is this crystal… edible?

*(You feel perplexed by seeing the claw-marks, but you stay determined.)

(The Telescope) Papyrus: “The underground is riddled with fools who are obsessed with meaningless garbage. So I started this telescope business. Wanna have a go? It’s 50000G to use this premium telescope. Oh wait, you’d probably know more about the real stars in the sky than I do, right? Okay then, I’ll let you use this telescope for free so you wouldn’t complain later and call me a scammer.

So, howzaboutit?”

>Use         |       Don’t Use

*(You see rows of shiny rocks through the telescope. It doesn’t strike as accurate to real stars you’ve seen on the surface.)

(The player character gets a blue circular mark on one eye)

Papyrus: “Oh what the heck, looks like the paint didn’t dry properly yet. Yeah, that’s right. I just painted those shiny rocks on the lens. I say it’s good enough to trick some fools with high hopes.”

*What’s a star? Can you touch it? Can you eat it? Can you kill it? … Are you a star? … I really hoped you were.

Echo Flower: *(You hear a passing conversation.) *Well, don’t you have any wishes to make? *...Well, I do have one, but it’s kinda stupid.

The Phone: *Ring Ring… SANS: HELLO! IT’S ME, SANS. I CLEARLY REMEMBER YOU SAYING TO ME THAT YOU ARE NEAR A TUNNEL, BUT FOR SOME REASON I CAN’T SEE YOU ANYWHERE... YOU ARE ABSOULTELY, AND DEFINITELY GOING STRAIGHT FROM THERE, RIGHT?? OKAY, I WILL CALL YOU BACK LATER! *Click…

Echo Flower: *(You hear a passing conversation.) *No pressure if you don’t want to talk about it, but still… I’m kinda curious to know.

*(Human History continued) "The Power to Possess a Human SOUL.” “This is what the humans feared.”

[Shyren Spawn Area]

(Piano – No puzzle) *(...? It’s a battered old piano. Seems like someone practiced on it quite frequently.) *(Besides the piano, you see sheet music scattered around the corners of the room. The sheets are old, and filled with music scores illegibly. Some are torn.) *(‘Worl’... You can’t read the rest of the text because page has been torn apart on the corner.)

*There was no way for the humans to counter the power of a monster who has taken over a human SOUL, for it is impossible for humans to take a monster’s SOUL.

A monster’s SOUL immediately disappears upon death, and forcefully extracting the SOUL out of a live monster’s body would require incredible energy. *However, there’s an exception. The special kind of monsters called ‘Boss Monsters’ have enough SOUL power that can persist outside their body after death for a short time. Humans may be able to absorb the SOUL of Boss Monsters, but that has never happened. It hasn’t and will never be happening.

*(There’s what seems to be a stone statue. It seems incomplete.)

[The Umbrella]

*(The sign is broken.) *(The umbrellas are mostly ripped into pieces and bent. There’s only one umbrella that still works. Would you take the umbrella?) >Take it       |     Don’t Take it

Asriel: “Oh, how come you have a working umbrella? Well, I hope you don’t mind me using it!” (Asriel snatches away the umbrella from you. What an ass-riel.)

(*The rain from above splashes against your face.)

Asriel: “Y’know, I asked Alphys one more time to let me join the Royal Guard. And then, uh, got rejected again. But I think I’m almost there, I can definitely see that I’m making progress! Or at least I would be more qualified to be in the Royal Guard than a human like you.

So, as you may know, those purple Echo Flowers are made of magic. I’ve heard that those can be quite deadly to Monsters and not as effective to humans because of that. I saw my mother has a big garden of those Echo Flowers. I wonder why she has it?”

[The Castle View]

(Asriel starts to walk slower) (There are Echo Flowers around the map)

Asriel: “…Oh…Oh no, there are so many…Echo Flowers here, I swear there weren’t this many…the last time I was here… Hey, I’m gonna take a rest. If I don’t, I might…pass… ...

*(He has fallen asleep. You put the umbrella over his head.)

(You go over to the nearest umbrella station and pick up an old, broken umbrella.)

*(You’ve obtained a Broken Umbrella.)

*(This ledge is too steep to climb over, but you might find a way to climb it using your umbrella. Would you use the umbrella? >Yes             |            No

*(You climb over the ledge using the umbrella somehow, and left the umbrella below the ledge.)

*The Humans, fearful of our ability to absorb their SOUL, have announced a war against us. They attacked suddenly, and showed no mercy.

*( The sound of falling raindrops fills you with DETERMINATION.)

*As a result, the battle became something that can hardly be called a war. The Humans working together were far too strong, and us Monsters, too weak. Countless monsters turned to dust.

[The second Alphys Chase]

[The bridge is cut off, and the player falls down the garbage dump] I think I heard it from here... YO! You must be another kid Toriel has taken in. Are you alright? I thought I heard you crying… Oh, that wasn’t you? …Hey, what’s your name? Frisk?... That’s a nice name. Mine is…

*(This stream of water flowing down from the ceiling seems to be connected to the surface. Once in a while, pieces of garbage fall down from the gap, and disappear through the pit of darkness below. Seeing this endless cycle of garbage fills you with DETERMINATION)

*(You’ve found some junk food among the heap of garbage. This fills you with DETERMINATION.)

[Mad Dummy Fight]

*(Looks like a regular training dummy. Will you hit it?) >Yes       |       No *(You lightly kick the dummy.) *(Nothing happened.)

Mad Dummy: * “You! Unforgivable! How dare you just walk away after kicking me?! I am a ghost that lives inside the dummy. My cousin also used to live inside a dummy, until… YOU came along! The poor guy was scared off by the knife you were holding and disappeared! Horrible! Shocking! Unbelievable!! And they even told me that there’d be nothing to fear in the RUINS except for that one big monster.

HUMAN! I’ll take their revenge. I’ll…I… Oh, oh no, is that a knife?! Ha…hahah! It’s useless, physical attacks don’t work on me! Plus I, too, have a knife!!!!”

*(Mad Dummy throws their knife and misses.)

“(How…How could this be?! ) I’m…out of knife......................................

*(Mad Dummy disappears)

*  “Oh, what’s going on here???”

Hapstablook: * “I can’t concentrate on my practice. Tone it down, please! Oh! It’s you, darling. What have you been doing outside my house? Well, no matter. Just please keep it quiet so that I can concentrate on my practice. I will be going back in my house! …Uh, actually… Feel free to ‘chase’ me inside the house if you’d like to see me practice. Yes, perhaps you’d be a great distraction for me, but seeing me practice would be a once-in-a-lifetime chance that you wouldn’t want to miss! So I understand.

My house is up this way. Just making sure you know!”

*(This place is comfortingly quiet. You finally feel at peace and are filled with DETERMINATION.)

[Hapstablook’s House]

Hapstablook: “Oh?? I’ve never expected you to actually come all the way here… I…I mean, welcome, darling! I guess you really want to see me practice! Well, feel free to have a seat on the corner over there and watch me.”

*(It’s a diary. Would you read it? >Yes        | No

Hapstablook: “How rude! What do you think you are doing, that’s my super secret diary!”

*(Hapstablook is posing rhythmically with music blaring in the background…it seems?)

Hapstablook: “Darling, why don’t you join me and try posing, too? There’s no guarantee that I won’t be having any guest performers in my show, so it would be necessary to have a fine partner to practice with.”

*(You pose dramatically with Hapstablook. Hapstablook seems to be impresse.)

Hapstablook: “Not bad, darling! That was really… uh, do you hear that? Hold on, I will check the outside.”

(They exit the house)

*(Now that Hapstablook is outside, perhaps this might be the perfect time to read their diary. Will you do it?) >Yes  |  No

-1st Entry: Dear precious diary, Recently there have been very unfortunate rumours going around Waterfall. It saddens me. Some monsters have gone missing, and…Blooky won’t come out of his house or talk to me anymore. Sometimes he just disappears without any warning and does not come back for days. I’m afraid that he will never come to visit me or see me practice again.

-2nd Entry: Dearest diary, I enjoy buying new diaries for each entry I make. Writing down my thoughts, which I could never tell the others… It’s my element.

-3rd Entry Dear Darling Diary, My cousin left the house to fulfil their dream of becoming a training dummy. It’s just me and Blooky here now. I’ve noticed that Blooky is hanging out often with a certain monster at the garbage dump. And Blooky sounded so…excited to be with them? Perhaps, they would also leave the house like our cousin did, leaving me behind in this house, alone… You haven’t told me about it, Blooky, but I know that you’ve found a way to become corporeal. Everyone else but you, had been talking about it.

-4th Entry Dear lovely diary, Blooky told me something with a very enthusiastic voice today. It seems someone really enjoys listening to Blooky’s music. But, Blooky…I…I’ve heard that news from else before you’d told me about it. Did you just…uh…Were you just excited to tell everyone about it?

-5th Entry Diary…My love, You are all I’ve got left. Blooky probably won’t ever come back. It’s been so long since they left. I’m all alone, I’m tired I’m so tired I’m so tired I’m so tired

*(The pages have been ripped from this part and you can’t read them.)

-6th Entry To my dear diary... I’ve received a mail from Blooky after he’s been away for so long. They said sorry. It would have been better if they came here to visit me and tell me that. Why didn’t they? This…Anyone could have sent a simple mail like this. I didn’t reply. And a week has been passed since. And there’s no hope in achieving my dream.

[The Rabbit Shopkeeper]

“Welcome. We’ve got plenty of things to sell here, but nothing’s for penniless customers.”

[About You (The shopkeeper)] “Me? Well, there’s not much to say other than that I was one of the monsters to have fought in the War. Though, I wasn’t particularly championed as a great warrior, and my name is not known by many but my family and perhaps by one or two other monsters. I’m originally from Snowdin. It’s a very boring and depressing town, so I left there, alone. “

[The symbol] “What, you mean the Delta Rune? You don’t know what that is? You must be from the streets, since there’s no way you wouldn’t know if you’ve ever went to school. Delta Rune is a universal symbol that represents the kingdom of monsters as a whole.”

[The story behind Delta Rune] “Delta Rune’s an ancient symbol that has been passed down through generations, though its original meaning has been lost in time. From what I can remember, the triangles symbolise the monsters, and the winged circle above is supposed to be…something else. Many believe that it represents the angel from the prophecy. I think it’s kinda ridiculous, wouldn’t you agree?”

[The Prophecy] “According to the prophecy, an angel who has seen the surface world will come down below to free the monsters. But these days, everyone thinks that this so-called angel is actually the ‘Angel of Death and Destruction’. The mighty god who will ‘FREE US’ monsters from this world… Weird, huh? Why not just call it the ‘Devil’ instead of the ‘Angel’?

I also find it stupid to believe in such myth. If the angel really were to exist, good for me, but having high hopes in things you can’t even see or feel makes it harder for people to bear with the world, y’know?”

[The Queen]

“The Queen is merciless but an extremely collected person. You might run into her if you stayed at CORE. She seems to go past there a lot of the times. But, being a low-class citizen like you are, you will need to brace yourself and even risk your life if you truly are willing to meet her.”

[About Alphys] “Alphys? Oh yes, I’ve been around her since she was tiny. All she wanted was to become powerful enough to survive on her own. Now, with her determination and strength she’s become the captain of the Royal Guard. Actually…Alphys just came here to ask if I’d seen anyone that looks just like you. I would watch my back if I were you, kid. I might consider hiding you if you buy something from me, but until then…well…hahahah.”

(Echo flower Forest)

*(The air is full of the scent of Echo Flower, and it hurts your nose.)

[The War of Humans and Monsters Continued:] *Hurt, weak, and afraid of death, the monsters surrendered. The seven powerful magicians of the Human race forever sealed the monsters underground with their spell. Anything can get in through the barrier, but nothing can ever get out unless with a SOUL powerful enough to cross the barrier. The only way to break this spell… is to have a force that matches the SOUL power of seven Human SOULs attack the barrier. But that won’t happen. This cursed place will always be sealed away, for it is impossible for a human to find their way down here. We will be trapped down here forever.

[Flowey Town]

*Welcome to Flowey Town. *(Something feelS definitely… wrong. You are filled with DETERMINATION.)

*howdy! I’m Flowey. You must be new to the UNDERGROUND, aren’tya? *howdy! I’m Flowey. So, you are still alive and well, huh? *howdy! I’m Flowey. You must have gotten used to the UNDERGROUND, huh? *In thi world, it’s kill or be killed.

[Flowey Shop] *howdy! I’m Flowey. Flowey the flower! You are a human, right? Well, why not look around?

Friendliness pallets 1000 G

[Asriel and Alphys Encounter]

Echo Flower: “b e h i n d     y o u.”

==Alphys== Weapon: A double-sided axe on one hand, and a halberd on the other. A huge scar covers her whitened left eye. The tip of her nose(the snout?)has scars, and the right-side of her mouth has scars as well(NOT glasgow)

Alphys: "You must be the HUMAN.

Nice try getting away from me like a rodent…But now I’ve got you. You are NOT getting away so easily this time. Your SOUL will be delivered to the Queen, and with it, the barrier will break. This is the chance for your redemption.”

Asriel: “Alphys! This time, I will…uh……um…….I, I think I might have chosen the wrong time to—

(Got his ear pinched) O—Ouch!! Wait! You aren’t going to tell on me, right?!”

Echo Flower: No, No! It would be a disaster if I were found out!

[Echo Flower Conversation Continued] *(You hear a passing conversation.) *...Don’t laugh and I will tell you what my wish is.

*(You hear a passing conversation.) *Of course I won’t laugh.

*(You hear a passing conversation.) *One day, I would like to go on the surface world, and see the real sky, the real stars, and the real sun…

*(Silence.) *...It’s…uh, it’s a ridiculous dream, right?

*(You hear a short phrase.) *No. I promise that it will come true. I’ll help…because that’s my wish, too.

[Human History Continued:] *However…There is a prophecy. An Angel who has seen the surface world…will be back, and the underground will go empty.

[The Bridge]

Asriel: “Hey. I have to be going soon but let me ask you something before that. You… You aren’t actually trying to join the Royal Guard, right? I thought Alphys was chasing you away because she can’t accept a human as a Royal Guard. But I was wrong. I…I heard you are going after my mom, Queen Toriel. Are you trying to break the barrier?”

>Yes       |  No

“…So, Alphys was right, huh.”

Alphys: “My, my. It’s the prince again. I thought I’ve told you to stay away from this place”

Asriel: “…I, understand.”

(Asriel is off-stage.)

Alphys: “How pitiful. HUMAN. I’ve got you THIS TIME! I see you are making face as if you don’t deserve this fate. BUT, your kind has induced us more pain and suffering imaginable that we did not deserve. No time to explain any of this to you, for you’ll die soon. En garde!”

*(The wind is howling…You are filled with DETERMINATION.)

[Alphys Fight]

"..."

*Alphys attacks!

>Plead *You tell Alphys that you don’t want to fight, but she doesn’t even respond.

Alphys: “You can’t run now.”

(The ‘Battle Field’ is quite narrow, only giving you a little room to move.)

*Alphys licks her lips, as if she’d found a perfect prey.

>Mercy > Spare/(Escape button doesn’t show up.) Alphys: “Hahahahah! You, sparing me? Who do you think you are? What a joke.”

*Alphys stands, intimidating you.

>Mercy > Spare/(Escape button doesn’t show up.)

Alphys: “Well, maybe I can ‘spare’ you with my own method…by killing you and sparing your organs for a fine meal!”

*The rustic smell fills the air.

>ITEM >Use Alphys’ Letter EX

Alphys: “...You…what are you holding…”

*Alphys’ ATK dropped! Alphys: “DAMN IT! Stop blocking my attacks with the letter and hand that over, human!!”

*Alphys seems flustered and attacks suddenly.

Alphys: “You!!” (She tosses her halberd. With a loud ‘CRASH’, the player deflects it.)

(Translator’s note: I think the author forgot to mention about giving the player a shield or a weapon to deflect the attacks with.)

>Mercy Spare/>Escape

[You Escape] Alphys: “!!!” (Alphys’ uses her magic attack to block the player’s way, with the bullets flying over to the player like boomerangs, except they are double-sided axes.)

[Alphys Fight 2]

Alphys: “Stop, HUMAN!”

>ITEM >Use Alphys’ Letter EX

Alphys: “Screw you!! Give back the damned letter!

*Alphys grinds her teeth

ACT >Read Letter

*You attempt to read the letter, but it’s still sealed too strongly to open.

Alphys: “You are so dead.” *Alphys charges in again Alphys: “DAMN IT!” (She tosses her halberd. The player deflects it again.)

>Mercy Spare/ > Escape

[You Escape] Alphys: “!!!” (Alphys’ uses her magic attack to block the player’s way, with the bullets flying over to the player like boomerangs, except they are double-sided axes.)

[Alphys Fight 3]

Alphys: “So this is how you want to play it, huh? I don’t even care about the SOUL anymore, I’m gonna rip you into bloody shreds.”

*Alphys’ ATK increased! Alphys’ SPD increased!

ACT >Plead

Alphys: “It’s no use. You won’t get past so easily this time.”

*Alphys glares fiercely.

ACT >Read

*You read the name on the envelope of the letter. ‘FROM ALPHYS’

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Alphys attacks.

(The player deflects her halberd again.) >Mercy Spare/ > Escape

[Hotland]

(Papyrus is stoned at the sentry station.) (You hide behind Papyrus, under the sentry station.)

(Alphys runs past, and then comes back to the station to talk to Papyrus.)

Alphys: “Have you seen anyone coming down this way before me? Like, a human?”

Papyrus: “Nope.”

Alphys: “Useless piece of scum.” (Alphys goes back to the Waterfall area.)

Papyrus: “…………You can come out now.

So, how much?”

*(You hand over 100G to him.)

Papyrus: “Ah, thank you, dear customer! Gotten used to this place, huh? You know your stuff. You are welcomed anytime. I will be at your service for that sweet, sweet money. And I won’t ask you any questions or doubt you as long as you pay the right amount. Anyways, see you later.”

*Ring…Ring… Sans: “HEY HUMAN! WHAT DID YOU DO?! ALPHYS IS AWFULLY MAD! I HAVEN’T SEEN HER THIS MAD SINCE THE TIME I SHOUTED OUTSIDE HER HOUSE FOR A FULL WEEK STRAIGHT! NOW SHE WON’T LISTEN TO WHATEVER I HAVE TO SAY! COME AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!”

Alphys: “What, who are you talking to, Sans? Wait a second… Give that phone to me!

As I suspected!

Human! You damned rodent, stop hiding and come OVER HERE! We have a battle to set end to!”

*Click…

*(The silence of this place overwhelms you. Seeing a strange laboratory in a place like this, making low whirling mechanic noise fills you with DETERMAINATION.)

[Catty and Bratty]

Bratty: “You shall not pass.” Catty: “Not pass.”

Bratty: “Alphys, like, told us that there’s totally a human here? So, we have to block this path to the CORE.” Catty: “We have, like, no idea where they are? But like, we have to block this path to the CORE.”

Bratty: “We are gonna do our best!” Catty: “Our best, Alphys!”

Bratty: “So, like, there’s no way you will be going past here.” Catty: “No way you will be going past here.”

Bratty: “Since you seem desperate, here’s a little advice.” Catty: “Not much, but an advice.”

Bratty: “Through that laboratory, you’d be able to reach the CORE.” Catty: “But you will have to risk your life to do that.”

[In front of Alphys’ House]

Sans: “HUMAN! YOU REALLY HAVE COME! HURRY UP AND DO SOMETHING, I HAVE A SPLITTING HEADACHE BECAUSE OF THIS!”

Alphys: “So you’ve come, human. So, about that letter… Uh, Sans, didn’t you say you have something else to do today?”

Sans: “WHAT? NO? TODAY’S A TRAINING DAY!”

Alphys: “…I will help you with training for the entire week next week, so just call this a day, won’t you?”

Sans: “WOW, REALLY?! KEEP YOUR PROMISE! I WILL SEE YOU LATER, ALPHYS! AND HUMAN!”

Alphys: “...Okay. So. I’ll get to the point. Where. Is. The letter.”

*(You hand over the letter to her.)

Alphys: “…did you read it?”

*(What will you say?)

>I did Alphys: “What?! Wait…no…you are lying. Only I can open the envelope. What made you think it would be good to lie like that?”

>Did not Alphys: “Of course you didn’t. Only I can open the envelope. No way you’d have…”

Alphys: “...I would love to bite your neck off right now, but that would destroy your SOUL, so consider yourself lucky that I’m holding back. By the way, this letter…where did you find it? Or did someone give it to you?”

Yes  >No

Alphys: “So you’ve found it? Maybe from behind a waterfall?”

... >Yep

Alphys: “...Hmph. Well, it seems that nobody has read it, so I will let this slide.”

(You can move around freely and inspect the front yard of the house now)

(You attempt to run away)

-CRASH!-

Alphys: “Where are you running off to?! I’m not done talking!” *(A magical axe is piercing the floor right in front of where your foot is. One wrong move and it would have been a disaster.)

(inspect door) Alphys: “So you want to get inside my house? You have a death wish? Only I and some corpse are allowed in my house.”

(inspect Dummy) *(The Dummy is covered in a white sheet) Dummy: “You…Why are you here?! Don’t pull off my sheet, it’s a part of my identity!

(inspect the box on the right-side corner) *(It reeks of rustic smell. The box contains various types of weapons: a broken sword; an old axe; a broken spear; nunchucks snapped in half… Seems like they are all broken and useless.)

(inspect Alphys) Alphys: “...What, you’ve got something to say? If you ask something stupid I’m gonna kick you away.”

*(......You ask about who that letter is directed to.) Undyne          Toriel IDK LMAO       Human (You can select each character as the receiver of the letter, and hear everything unless you go straight to choose ‘Undyne’. The conversation about the letter will be over once you choose ‘Undyne’)

-Human Alphys: “Ha, you wish! Why would I ever write a letter to you? Well, if you need someone to write a will on your behalf, maybe I can do that.”

-IDK LMAOOOOOO Alphys: “Of course you are clueless. Otherwise you’d be dead.”

-Toriel Alphys: “...hmph, I get why you’d say that. Everyone writes letters to the Queen. To show their respect; to accuse her; to show their pure rage; or to use her for their own benefit…etcetera.

But I don’t have a reason to write to her. I can always just talk to her in person, for I am her faithful Royal Guard. Though, there had been this one time that I had to write a response letter to her when I was a mere prisoner.”

-Undyne Alphys: “...Did...did you actually read it…? HOW DID YOU KNOW?!?!?? I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

*(You tell her that there’s a ‘To: Undyne’ written on the outside of the envelope.)

Alphys: “......” *(Alphys checks the envelope. Flustered, she throws it inside her house through the window.) Alphys: “If you. Ever. Talk about this to anyone…You’d be dead. Though you already don’t have much time left.”

(Awkward Silence)

Alphys: “...Oh, yes, about going to the Queen. I can take you to the castle. How about that? And before we go, I can treat you with a meal.”

*(????? ??? ?? ?? ?? ??? ? ??. Translator:???????)

[Alphys’s House]

Alphys: “Take a seat.”

*(The inside of the house smells of blood) *(But visually, it’s pretty clean inside)

Alphys: “I’ll cook you somethin’, so stay there. Speaking of cooking, I’ve seen the food humans eat on a book. It was fascinating.”

Alphys: “(talks with her back to the human) Has anyone told you this? I’m the one who’d taught Sans how to make a sandwich. He just kept begging me to teach him something, so I did. But still to this day, he can’t even make something as basic as a sandwich…I can’t understand how stacking up ingredients can be so difficult. His first-ever-sandwich wasn’t even close to being a food. Can you believe that? At least there has been some sort of improvement since back then.

As for why I’m not letting him in the Royal Guard…It’s simple. He’s just too reckless and I don’t have the mercy to clean up his mess.”

Oven: DING-

Alphys: “Seems like it’s done. Here. Careful, it’s hot. ... It’s not THAT HOT! Just Eat It!”

*(It’s a dish of deliciously cooked paella. It burns your tongue, but it’s still good.)

Alphys: “You like it, huh? I’ve spent so much time cutting and preparing meat, my cooking skill just naturally improved. …Don’t look at me like that! I used perfectly good meat that you can eat.

Speaking of meat, it’s pretty damn hard to get some in the underground. It was like that since I was little, and it just gradually got more difficult.

Cold, hungry, and the fear of assault…Nothing eases your mind in this cursed place. I had to get stronger for my own survival, and fight the despair. And one day, a job…no, there was an errand to run at the CORE, so I went.

Everyone at the CORE seemed to have been living in a luxury, unlike the folks from Snowdin or Waterfall. And then, I met the Queen, Toriel, there at the CORE. I’ve gotten so furious looking at her peaceful face. It wasn’t fair. My anger erupted all at once, and being young and unaware of the consequences, I attacked her. The result was...not good. She got her trident speared through my hands, and said: ‘Not bad. I’m impressed. Won’t you become my student?’ She was cold as ice, and showed no emotion. That’s how she was the whole time. Anyways, from then, I lived in the same luxurious life of a higher-class, although I had to be a prisoner for a while. Now I’m the leader of the Royal Guard, and, my life is pretty much set. But being too long at the castle kinda bored me, so I came down to Waterfall. It’s not a good place to live, but still I did.

Oh, we’ve been talking for so long. Would you like a drink?

Hey, you seem dizzy. Is something wrong?

Good.

Just like that,

Stay down.

(You fall unconscious…)

[Hotland – Undyne’s Lab : ‘The True Lab’]

*(Upon your waking, you see yourself in an unlit laboratory. The strange smell from the chemicals swirl around you, giving you an unbearable headache.)