#I made two different pies so that is my contribution to the meal

[letstrywritingmaybe]

Chapter 2: Welcome To Your Life (title taken from the Grouplove song) posted on ao3!

Look at how cute baby CoAi is!!!! @vordark is amazing!!! I AM OBSESSED!!!! 🥹😍🥰 I literally can’t pick a favorite pic cause they’re all so freaking cute 😭😭😭

Also, Happy American Thanksgiving officially! I’m thankful for all of you aboard this ship! <3

[i-actually-post-stuff]

In celebration of Spones day I remembered that I never posted the written submission for the @sponeszine after the waiting period was over! I'll have more to post today for Spones day! Something I that I actually made for the day 😂

For now, the unedited version of my zine entry:

A03 Link

“Now, what's this, Spock? Cookin’, or biological warfare?” McCoy eyed Spock's potluck contribution; a mixture of colorful unfamiliar baked vegetables, piping in the bath of sauce and spices, all served in complement with a steamed Vulcan grain that he recognized but didn't remember the name of. But, the spice from the stuff was practically overpowering without him even eating it. It made his eyes water like getting too close to the smoke from a fire. 

In all honesty, it seemed exciting. McCoy wasn't a loather of spice. He liked spicy chili, hot pot, jerk chicken, spiced rum; all kinds of tasty things that’d make his mouth burn. It wasn't that he disliked the idea of trying the dish at all; it was that he wanted Spock to tell him about it, and with Spock, an insult always worked better than a request.

“If I was attempting biological warfare, Doctor, I would have not chosen such an obvious method as poisoning you via food.” Spock paused to consider McCoy’s initial jab. “I am lucky to have found Vulcan ingredients in such abundance in the market. All of the vegetables and spices are Vulcan in origin, and the grain is myropses, which has been grown on Vulcan since the early days of space travel, when it was first imported.” he knew McCoy’s game at this point, it seemed, and he looked like he was taking an un-Vulcan-like pride in his recreation of the dish. “I ruminated on what to prepare for quite a long time yesterday evening.” 

McCoy leaned in a bit to really admire his work while he listened. It did look absolutely mouthwatering.

“You are unaware of this; Vulcan cuisine exists on what you would call two ends of a spectrum; unflavored meals focused on texture and, in contrast, meals that take full advantage of the spices available on Vulcan.” the corners of his mouth quirked up—subtly, but certainly fiendishly. “I only used a small fraction of the traditional spices for this dish. Perhaps I should have made a tasteless dish, in order to suit your palette more appropriately,” he insulted. 

McCoy resisted a simple; bite me. “Maybe I should’a made some spicy harissa aubergine pie. Had you put those Vulcan taste buds to the test,” he genuinely considered. “Lucky for your Vulcan ego, I just made some sweet peach pies.”

“Then, perhaps I'll show you the fault in your thinking that any Human spice would adequately phase my palate on another day,  doctor.”

“You’d-”

He was promptly cut off by Jim awkwardly ringing the little dinner-bell he'd replicated. The entire potluck crowd straightened up and looked to the captain. 

It was truly a wonderful sight laid out on the several large tables in front of them. The Enterprise cultural exchange potluck was many a crewmember's favorite time of year, including McCoy’s. There were so many tantalizing looking breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and desserts scattered across the table, and even more odd looking ones. Jim had been wise enough this year to separate the dishes by smell, after the absolute fiasco of smells from the last year's contributions. It certainly made where he was standing all the more dangerous for his sinuses. But, no one would be skipping over his pie sitting on the opposite table because of the magma incarnate Spock had brought along.

“Everyone, welcome, to the annual Enterprise potluck. Today we celebrate, where we came from, the people, we surround ourselves with and choose to care for now, and, the way that our strength is in what each, individual, one of us, brings to the table—because our differences are the exact thing that make, wonderful times like this, possible. I,, remember all those complaints last year about the length of my speech, and all I have to say, is, shame on you all for not enjoying the only thing I can bring to this table. You, don't, want my cooking here,” he got a light chuckle from the crowd, “and, dig in.” He stepped down from his spot at the head of the intersection of tables as everyone rushed for their plates. 

McCoy really did try to seem like he wasn't in a hurry to taste test Spock's special Vulcan dish that he'd so considerately made palatable for human consumption, but it was the third thing that he'd put on his first plate, and Spock definitely took notice, looking at him from across the table. And McCoy took note of that look, and the peach pie slice on Spock's dessert plate. That eased him. He'd actually been fairly concerned that Spock wouldn't like what he brought to the table this year; Vulcans weren't exactly known for being avid lovers of dessert. And the two years before, he hadn't gotten to participate. 

As he made his way to Jim's side at one of the sitting tables, he found himself troubled with the idea of Spock eating his pie. He knew he'd put a lot of effort into making it just right, and he knew that it was probably one of the best damn things at the entire potluck. But it was also the first time Spock was going to try his cooking. What are you sweating for, McCoy? It doesn't matter what Spock thinks. Get it together. He couldn't fathom why Spock's judgment on the matter seemed to get him so anxious.

Spock sat on the other side of Jim. McCoy eyed up his plates. Despite the many other wonderfully colorful dishes Spock had decided to sample, he couldn't help but lock his eyes on his own slice of pie on that dessert plate. He briefly considered causing a scene; doing something, anything, to get rid of that slice on Spock's plate. He won the battle with himself and forced himself to calm down, of course, but the whole thing just made him feel silly. 

He took a deep breath, double checked to make sure he had his little shot glass of milk, and took a bite of Spock's cooking. 

It was incredible.

The vegetables were crisp on the outside and tender on the inside. The perfect texture, easy to chew and easy to savor. As his teeth bit through them, the juice went straight to his taste buds, sweet and sour. But the method of cooking added something else; a kind of char, almost like it had been grilled; or, maybe that was one of the spices. That's when the first wave of spice hit. Whatever it was, it was intense, prickling at his tongue and down his throat, then right up into the sinuses. It was a good burn, like the first time he tried Thai food. The spice playing in harmony with all those flavors, pairing so perfectly with the plain, grounding taste of the grain, and just begging to be chased with a nice smooth drink. Then the second wave hit, and he sniffled a little as his nose started running. He held a napkin over his nose and mouth and let it run for a second, not wanting to give away that the third wave, the aftertaste, was making his eyes burn. He shut them. 

There was no doubt. Spock was a damn good cook.

He subtly wiped his nose and took half his shot of milk, wishing that he had gotten a full glass and didn't have to save the other half for what was left of it… and also wishing that he had a bigger stomach, to go back and get more without sacrificing the capacity to try all the rest of the food he’d piled on his plates. He cleared his throat, the remnants of the spices tickling where the milk hadn't entirely soothed.

Then, he subtly looked over to Spock. 

Spock was sitting there, looking as though he hadn't even started eating, like something was on his mind; not something troubling him, more so that he was ruminating on something he found important. He knew the man, after all—he knew what the look on his face was. The Vulcan was definitely thinking about something very important to him. So important that he hadn't touched anything on his plates—Leonard did a double take.

Spock had touched one thing on one of his plates. McCoy's slice of pie, which was completely gone. Briefly, he was flattered, before realizing all of the different things that that could mean. 

Maybe Spock hated it. Maybe it’d put him off eating all together. Or maybe he hadn't checked the little ingredient card in front of it closely enough, and it had something he couldn't eat, and now he was considering the validity of calling the whole thing off for himself and going back up to the ship to pretend that he wasn't having a reaction to it. Or, maybe he was trying to think of the best possible insult to grant him after the meal. Well, two can play at that, Spock! Yours is—well, it was perfect. It was just great; he couldn't think of a bad thing to say that wasn't just insulting himself for not having a Vulcan tolerance. 

Maybe Spock was thinking the same thing. Well, not exactly the same thing. 

Maybe Spock was thinking that he wished he'd tried his cooking sooner. Maybe, just like McCoy was, he was wishing that they’d just cooked for each other so they didn't have to worry about leaving out all the other wonderful things there were to eat on their plates. 

No, not Spock. The man doesn't even eat breakfast. He only ever eats what he needs to survive unless it's in the name of being diplomatic. It seemed inconceivable that the Vulcan could be thinking of something so worldly as having another bite of something delicious. 

“Since when are you a slow eater, Bones?” Jim remarked, nudging his shoulder knowingly. 

“It's called pacing yourself, Jim. Good for big meals like this. ‘N I'll recommend it to you if you don't slow down.” he gestured to Jim's half finished plate. “You even chewing? You're gonna give yourself a stomach ache.”

Jim huffed with a bit of amusement, both of them knowing that McCoy was just crabby about being caught staring at Spock and wondering what he thought of his food.

Leonard took a bite of something else on the plate to avoid more ridicule, listening as Jim turned to Spock and said, “not hungry, Spock?” 

Whatever game he was playing. 

Sure, everything at the potluck that McCoy had put on his plate tasted incredible. There wasn't a single thing he regretted, even the things that squirmed under his fork—a bit like octopus with soy sauce, he considered, and he knew better than to be put off—but nothing stuck in his head quite like Spock's silly little spicy vegetable dish. He was embarrassed, finding his thoughts drifting over and over again to a hypothetical situation of him walking up to Spock and asking about the recipe.

On one hand, it felt a whole lot like praising the enemy. The little game that they played that neither of them were supposed to really win didn't work that way. Sure, the occasional compliment on the other's competency slipped out on occasion. But asking the man to make him dinner was a whole ‘nother thing. It was so… domestic. And the thought of sitting down in one of their quarters over a Vulcan meal that Spock had put so much time and effort into preparing seemed a bit too much like him asking Spock on a date for his comfort. Although, it didn't sound like a bad date. It sounded like a very good date. In fact, it sounded like the best possible date with Spock he could think of in that moment.

In that train of thought, he considered that it might even be a bit of a show of strength on his part; a brag that he was able to handle it. One of his ways of teasing him that was more of a compliment, despite its disguise as a boast.

He thought back and forth on it until just about everyone at their table had finished everything on their plates. Not that he noticed until Spock intruded behind him.

“Doctor.” 

He looked back over his shoulder at Spock, playing with the last thing on his plate with his fork. “Spock,” he acknowledged.

“We will be in orbit of this planet for 57 more of your Earth hours. I intend to acknowledge your challenge. You will inform me of what time would work best for you. Then, we will meet and you will prepare a dish for me that you believe would adequately test my Vulcan taste buds.”

He was stunned for a moment, of course. Spock had beat him to it. He practically did everything but schedule the date. But McCoy was too quick a thinker to sit there with his mouth hanging open about it. “All right, Spock. Only if you take me to the market and show off your fancy Vulcan veggies and spices.” He wouldn't let Spock be in charge of the whole situation without a fight.

“Acceptable,” Spock immediately acknowledged, almost as if he would accept any condition.

“And, one more thing.” McCoy pushed his luck.

“Yes?” Spock shifted uncomfortably, as if he was worried- if McCoy didn't know better than to think such a thing about a distinguished Vulcan like Spock. 

“You're gonna make this for me again the night after we leave orbit.”

[kitty-is-writing]

Happy Pride Month all!

This year I finally got around to finishing some of my LGBTQ+ themed shorts, based in the same world as my novels. All of these are canon to the Drenius books, bits of character background and slice-of-life stuff that I couldn't fit into the main storylines.

The first one focuses on Alex and Dan, two loving husbands who run a tavern in a remote village. Hope you enjoy reading about these two.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

It was always so quiet in the mornings, Alex thought. The only sounds were the faint chink of dishes in the kitchen, and a distant mumble of people outside. Of course, the lack of paying guests at the moment contributed to the near silence. When they had people staying in the upstairs rooms, there was usually some thumping and conversation as they got up, packed if they were leaving that day, and headed down for breakfast. He enjoyed having guests, for the company and the stories they shared more than any income, but it was also nice to have quiet mornings sometimes. It gave him a chance to get all the tables polished in peace, and spend some time with Dan.

“Lex, honey, did you want your eggs fried or scrambled today?” Dan called through from the kitchen.

“Scrambled please,” he replied. Dan made the best scrambled eggs, with a sprinkle of grated cheese and some spices mixed in. They’d talked about opening for breakfast a few times before, serving some simple meals and hot drinks early in the day, but always decided against it. The first couple of hours of the day were their own, and neither of them was willing to share that time with anyone else.

He had just finished the second last table when Dan pushed the rickety breakfast trolley through, loaded with steaming plates, crumbling pastries, chilled juices and the morning’s papers. “Here we are. A good breakfast for a good day,” said Dan, setting things on the last unpolished table.

Alex smiled and put the cleaning things aside. This was their little ritual, Alex cleaned while Dan cooked, and once it was ready they sat together to enjoy each other’s company in peace before opening to the rest of the village. “It looks delicious. Did you try something different with the bread? It looks a bit more golden around the crust than your usual recipe.”

“It’s a new glaze, just a thin coating of spiced honey brushed over the top before baking. I thought it might make nice toast,” Dan replied as he cut off a few slices. “Let me know what you think, I might add it to the menu.”

“Mm. It’s good, reminds me of that mead they make over in the next village,” Alex said. “Sweet enough for flavour without being over sweet, and just right on the spice. Clove and cinnamon?”

“With a tiny hint of ginger for warmth. I’m thinking it might work nicely on some cakes for the winter, too,” said Dan, opening one of the papers then immediately closing it. “Nope. No bad news for me today, thanks.”

Alex looked over. “What is it?” They had newspapers delivered from both Aglendale and Oakshire, via a small courier service that worked along the border.

“Looks like King Francis is being a bastard again,” Dan replied. “Have a read if you like, I’m not going to make myself upset with the details.”

One of the Aglendale papers, the Apex Gazette, was closest to Alex. “Foolish Frankie Forfeits Friendships? Nice alliteration there,” he said, pulling it over to scan the article. “Apparently he’s insulted one of Nakata’s Imperial Princes. ‘Lard-bellied snot goblin’, they’ve quoted here, that’s an interesting phrase.”

Dan snorted into his tea. “Which Prince? I know a few of them are slightly portly, but I wouldn’t say lard-bellied. Or snot goblin, whatever one of those is supposed to be.”

“The one who was engaged to Princess Alicia, according to this. Nice looking guy, at least in this picture.” Alex turned the image towards Dan.

“Not bad. Little skinny for me personally, but I can see the appeal. Oakshire’s papers are a bit less flattering of him, though.” Dan nodded towards the paper he had first picked up, its headline screaming ‘Princess Engaged to Deviant Foreigner’. “Not sure if that’s a smear campaign of if he’s really bi or something, but it looks like they’re pushing the whole pervert angle again.”

Alex dropped the Gazette on top of it, covering the headline. “Nice. I’m so glad we got out of there when we did.”

“Same here. I do miss the bustle of Falridge, though. Maybe we could take a break sometime, close up for a week or so and go visit some of the elves’ cities?”

“That’s not a bad idea. It’s usually quiet in late spring, maybe then? Sapphire Falls is supposed to have some amazing views, or there’s Agate Cove on the south coast, if you’d rather go for a seaside trip.”

Dan nodded thoughtfully. “Either is good. Maybe both, if you feel like a bit of a road trip. We could hire a car, spend some time sightseeing along the way as well. Or we could go mad and take a whole month, travel the length of the country. I hear there are some great hiking trails in Points’ End,” he said.

“Now there’s a plan I can get behind. We could get someone to take care of the inn if we’re going for that long, too,” Alex said. “I’ll ask around, see if anyone could step in temporarily. Or just close the place and hire someone to keep the rats away. It’s not like we do a roaring trade at the best of times, little village like this. I’m sure the locals can feed themselves for a month.”

They finished breakfast, and Dan disappeared back into the kitchen to start on the day’s prep work. Alex cleared away the plates and polished the last table, hanging the assorted papers on the rack beside the bar. Most of the Oakshire papers tucked towards the back, folded so that the headlines screeching about ��deviants’ were not immediately visible. Neither of them needed to be looking at those words all day, having heard them more than enough throughout their lives. Hopefully tomorrow the press would have found something else to be outraged about.

[speakingveganese]

REDDIT FAIL. A User’s Debut in Review

Charting the Unknown

For the past month, I have embarked into the unknown, entering the Reddit community as a first time user. Although my familiarity with this site is somewhat limited, I have learned a lot in a short amount of time. It was easy to set up an account, and once you do, it immediately asks you to start selecting your interests to begin populating your homepage with relevant content suited to your preferences. 

History 

I'm a health food junky. My pantry and fridge are full of condiments, seeds, dressings, and any obscure product I can lay my hands on. I might have a problem; let's call it a passion. I have been eating clean since the age of fifteen, trying to eat almost entirely organically and locally, splurging here and there. I have never attempted to fully take the plunge into the vegan world, and thought that the subreddit community I selected would be a great way to gain some insight into the diet and work two-fold to immerse myself into this community as a participating, practicing, and contributing member. 

My prior knowledge lent itself better to plant based eating than the Reddit world itself. Reddit has been around since 2012 and I have only been registered on the site for about seven months. Currently, the Reddit app is the 6th most frequented in the category of social networks, taking a seat right behind Pinterest (Oberlo, 2020).

The majority of users are between the ages of 25-29 and they make up 25% of all of Reddit's users. The site is also popular among 18-24 year olds at 21%, and 30-49 year olds, a much larger grouping who make up 14% of its user base Across the board, it is popular among people of all ages. Users form and join communities, or subreddits, and these individual threads and pages are dedicated to a particular subject of interest that users can elect to follow. There are over 2.2 million different subreddits, and 130,000 of these subreddits are considered active today, with daily participation and posts from at least 5 of its followers. It makes sense that with so many different areas of interest and content available to choose from, the user base demographically speaking is equally diverse and substantial.  

Diving In 

The whole food subreddit that I elected to participate in is a community that has 150,000 members, and is fairly active, which in my thinking made it a good option as a page I would further explore. The content is often by an individual user who shares a picture of their latest meal followed by an ingredient listing or specific recipe. Other times, people post their questions about a particular plant-based brand or product. Some take it a step further still, delving into nutritional values, personal health concerns, or other fundamentals of the science behind plant based eating. With such a broad spectrum of content, the diversity of the page itself lends itself well to someone's own individual level of commitment. It is, in fact, user friendly. 

Participation Awards 

Over the past month, I have posted to the whole food subreddit once a week. Each week, I have tried to contribute in a new and different way as the last in order to cast a wider net, experimenting with what will and what not draw engagement and to what degree. You wouldn't call me the most active user, but I have been consistently participating. The page's responsiveness has been fairly consistent as well, if not slightly underwhelming compared to other sites I have used. More to come on that.  

My first post was more of a precursor and asked a broad question. I wanted to get a feel for the page itself. I told my audience that I was a first time user and a first time vegan, and pointed out my concerns about the specific foods that I would miss both in terms of taste and nutritional content. I asked for advice and if anyone on the page could relate and how best to supplement my diet accordingly. I got some good responses and advice from a few users as well as a friendly reminder from the page administrators.  

The administrators quickly but kindly reminded me of the codes of conduct and that questions like these are frequently asked and reoccurring. They said I would be better served if I navigated towards Q&A threads before posting questions to make sure they haven't already been asked and answered. I thought my original spin was worthy of a post but unfortunately the administrators did not see it my way. Strike one. 

The following week, I decided to post a picture that lent itself well to a lot of the current page content. 

I had made vegan apple pies using a butter alternative for the pie crust and thought that they turned out nicely and that the post itself would have a fun and seasonal spin. For a desert they were still quite healthy and I figured they would do well on a page that showcased mostly entrees. I proceeded to have an apple pie photoshoot in my kitchen and uploaded my prized picture. I am still unsure of the reason exactly, but even today the picture is still awaiting administrator approval. Strike two. 

Week three, I tried a new tactic. I couldn't lose. I participated in an active thread Q&A rather than try to post my own content. Someone was looking for pantry staples and I gave a suggestion of one of my favorites. Victorious! People commented and people agreed. I finally felt like I had made a contribution to the community. 

During this time of experimentation, I have managed to acquire a handful of points, or karma as the page calls it. Users can "upvote" or like content, and this is how your karma is earned. This meant that overall my contributions, content, and profile itself was at least now a bit more trustworthy and substantial.  

For my most recent post, I had asked about a cauliflower based "alfredo" sauce that I saw in the store that consisted of only vegetables, salt, pepper, lemon juice and olive oil. 

I thought I might try it out and was genuinely curious to see if anyone else had and what they thought before making the purchase. I was informed by the page administrators that oil as an active ingredient, as well as the majority of oil for that matter, is strictly prohibited, and that coconut oil is frowned upon and cautioned against. This came as a bit of a shock to me considering firstly that olives are a fruit, and secondly that many oils are in fact a very healthy addition to your diet. My post was active and did receive a few comments before it was taken down by the page administrators. Strike three. Lesson learned. 

Takeaways 

The Reddit community itself is one that lends itself very well to a person's own specific interests and works as a platform to gain more information on any variety of topics. The information is concise and from what I can tell, trustworthy.  The particulars of the specific community I chose were as restrictive as the diet itself. There was an entire learning curve into the codes of conduct by page administrators. I took more of a crash course than I expected, but I think that this may have been partially my fault. Not only was I brand new to the nuances of the Reddit website itself, I was also entering into a brand new way of cooking, eating, and thinking about food. I didn't realize going in that this subreddit was more than a showcase of healthful eating, but catering towards a very narrow style and method of dieting, one that I am not a representative or firm believer of. My philosophy has always been everything in moderation, including moderation. My own lack of experience when it came to such a structured and rigid style of dieting inhibited my ability to contribute effectively. This vegan imposter tried to count her chickens before they hatched.  

Overall the users have been friendly and good natured, although they do take their discussions and content seriously. In the online world of instant gratification, the pace feels slower on the Reddit forums and more restrictive. This may not impact the individual user as positively at first, but it does lend well to the trustworthiness and the level of quality one can expect of the page content overall. I learned that this particular subreddit page is one that is heavily surveilled and meticulously maintained in order to stay true to the quality and accuracy of its subject matter. Whether or not this compels me to be an active participant on the subreddit moving forward, or in my specific case, being more like a repeat offender, I can trust that the content itself will steer my interest in the right direction and broaden my scope of thinking. Reddit has not seen the last of u/laurenemi.

10 Reddit Statistics You Should Know in 2020 [Infographic]

[voyager-into-the-unknown]

My December 30 contribution to the 2019 Pikelavar Winter Event

Chapter 5: Fireplace 🔥

Pike and Meklavar returned to their room and discovered that a servant had brought up their scrubbed and polished boots and had also cleaned Meklavar’s armor as well. “Your clothing has been washed and will be dry by morning,” the serving man told them, and they thanked him as he exited.

They sat at the little table for two by the fireplace, and awaited their supper.

“Mek, are their anymore rituals that I should know about?”

“Well, the bath of purification was perfectly done. You passed the first test.”

“Test?”

“Normally the ritual bath takes place with all of the warriors of maiden’s clan standing guard outside the bathing room, and if she desires it, a female chaperone may be present in the bathhouse with her.”

“Why? It seems a lot less romantic that way.”

“Yes, but such precautions are often necessary to protect the maiden’s honor and reputation. Not all dwarf maidens are warriors, and unfortunately, not all males are honorable.”

Pike was silent a moment, eyes downcast, thinking about what Meklavar was implying. He looked up at her. “I would never take advantage of a female that way. My mother and sisters taught me to respect women and girls, and my father and brothers always gave good examples of exactly how that should be done.”

Meklavar smiled at him, her eyes shining, and Pike realized that he was looking into the eyes of a young woman whose heart belonged to him completely. He would guard it then, as the most priceless of treasures, one that could never be stolen. He knew that love was a gift that could only be given freely.

“Pike, I made the choice to enter the bathing room with you without a chaperone or guards because I trust you. I trust you with my life, my reputation, and my honor.”

Pike’s eyes watered a little at Mek’s deeply personal admission. He moved from his chair to kneel before her. He took her small hands into his larger ones and gazed up at her. “I love you, more than anything or anyone in all the world, Mek. I would be honored if—“

Just then there was a knock on the door. They froze. “Go, on,” she whispered, “answer the door. We can continue our private discussion later.”

Pike stood up to answer the door, mumbling something about “ruining the moment,” but his attitude suddenly changed when his stomach rumbled at the smell of the delicious meal that the servingman had brought through the open door on a large tray. There were hot mugs of tea, and glasses of cool water, a selection of grilled meats, cooked vegetables, baked and seasoned tubers, hot buttery bread, and succulent little pies for dessert.

The servant exited promptly once the meal had been served, instructing them to put their empty mugs and dishes back on the tray and leave it outside of their door when they were finished with their meal.

“Everything smells delicious,” said Meklavar with delight.

“I am so hungry, I would think a plain bowl of stew and stale bread would be a feast right now, but this is a meal fit for royalty!”

They ate slowly, savoring each bite, and spoke of private matters once more.

“This is the next part of the ritual, the private sharing of a meal.”

“We’ve done that lots of times.”

“After that, we share a bed.”

“Which we have also done these last few nights. What’s different about it this time?”

“Well, normally a maiden would have her chaperone with her—“

“And a dwarf army outside of the door.”

“Yes,” she grinned at him, “But you’ve already proven that it isn’t necessary for me to take such precautions.”

“But all of this is how you bond with your Intended. You get to know each other better, see if your lives together will be compatible, find out if the other one snores or has horrible morning breath—“

She giggled. “Yes, you’ve got the idea.”

“Mek, don’t we have more important things to consider, like where we will live, or how many children we will have, or what sort of settled down life we will have once we retire from questing?”

“I am good with metalworking, and crafting clever devices.”

“I am a good salesman.”

“We should open a shop, then.”

“Block’s village isn’t far from where my extended family lives,” he mused.

“My parent’s manor is only a day’s journey in the other direction.”

“And we could be near our friends if we lived in Block’s town, where we know we will always be welcomed since we helped him save them from the spell that turned them all to stone.”

“Then there’s the question of children. I assume you want a little family of our own.”

He reached across the table to hold her hand. “As many of or as few of the little ones as you like. However many the Maker blesses us with. I just hope that they are as beautiful and clever as their mother.”

She smiled at him and squeezed his hand. “I hope that they are as brave and kind as their father.” He beamed at her.

“Then, it is decided, Mek. We both want this. What’s stopping us from going to the temple and pledging our vows?”

“I have to get my family’s blessing. And there is the exchange of tokens.”

“Does Midwinter gift giving count? I spent most of my money on your present. And don’t say that I shouldn’t have. I bought you something that I know you will love.”

“Well, I went to the metal shop in Talarian City and helped the master craftsman make your gift myself.”

“We have to wait two more days,” he sighed. “I suppose I was being impulsive earlier,” he said to himself, and Mek looked at him in puzzlement. “I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Mek.”

They finished their meal, washed their hands and faces, and brushed their teeth. Mek asked him to help her push the little table and chairs aside to make more room in front of the fireplace. After they had rearranged the room to her liking, Pike gathered their used mugs, plates, and utensils onto the tray and left it outside their door. When he locked it for the evening, he turned to see his future bride standing on the thick rug in front of the fireplace. She had removed her robe and sat down with the green jar of fragrant lotion. She rolled up one sleeve of her white night shirt and then the other to rub the sweet-smelling stuff upon her arms, then grinned at him. “Are you just going to watch, or would you like to join me?”

Pike took off his robe and his tunic, then sat beside her, clad in his loose-fitting sleeping trousers, watching as she raised her pale night tunic to reveal her calves, knees, and thighs. “Do you want to help with this?” He gave a low purr that sounded almost like a growl in response.

“Sorry,” he said, a bit embarrassed at his own enthusiasm. He took a bit of the lotion and massaged her feet and calves with it as she applied it to her own knees and thighs. And as her nightdress slid higher, Pike was thankful for the fact that Mek wore modest underpants. The heat from the fireplace wasn’t the only reason why his face was warm.

She undid the upper fastenings of her tunic to bare her shoulders, being very careful to keep her bosom covered. Pike massaged her neck and shoulders with the fragrant lotion, and when he was done he gathered the cloth of her tunic to cover up the places he had just touched. She hastily fastened up the neckline of her sleeping garment while he watched, the firelight behind her creating a nimbus of light behind her that made her appear as breathtaking as any elf queen out of legend. “I can’t stop being amazed by how beautiful you are,” he said in a low voice.

Smiling, she cupped his cheek, and he looked up at her with the eyes of a man who was utterly, completely, and totally in love with her. At this moment he would have done absolutely anything she asked him to do. She kissed him softly, then said, “Let me rub some of this on you.” Pike nodded and was as gentle as a kitten when she massaged the fragrant lotion into his shoulders, biceps, and forearms. He closed his eyes and took deep, calming breaths as she massaged his back, kneading the creamy stuff into his muscles. Her touch was soft, but strong, and every caress was like a promise of more intimate and passionate nights ahead of them, even if, for the present time of their courtship, they would practice restraint. She rubbed the lotion into the skin of his belly and chest as he opened his eyes once more to watch her every move.

When she was done, she stood up, turned her back to him, and removed her night tunic altogether. Pike gave a little gasp of surprise at her sudden revelation of so much bare skin. Mek held the garment to her bosom modestly, covering her bare chest. “You can rub this on my back,” she said as she sat back down. He rubbed the sweet-smelling stuff onto her back with gentle caresses, marveling at how smooth her skin already was. When he was finished, he kissed her cheek, and then her neck in the precise spot that he knew would get a response from her. She giggled. “That tickles!”

“I know. That’s why I did it.”

“Bad kitty!” She giggled as he kept trying to kiss her there again and again. The tunic that she held against her bosom began to reveal more flesh than she intended. They both blushed.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to happen. I just wanted to make you laugh.”

“Close your eyes.” He obeyed.

“I love the sound of your laughter. You have a really cute laugh.”

“No peeking.”

He heard the rustle of cloth and the barely audible sound of her hands rubbing across soft, supple skin. Was she putting that stuff on her chest? He peeked. Her back was to him, and for a brief moment he caught a glimpse of the side of one of her plump little breasts. He didn’t see much, but it was enough to make his imagination run wild. She pulled her sleeping tunic over her head. “You can open your eyes now.”

Pike felt such heat upon his face that he wondered if he was sitting too close to the fireplace. She had risen from her seated position by the fire and was putting on her robe. He sat there, lost in thoughts of how she didn’t wear one of those bandeau things around her bosom to sleep at night, just underpants and a nightgown. Interesting. He imagined that was typical for most females, but as he got to know Meklavar’s habits better, he realized that there was a lot he didn’t know about women but was eager to learn. He scrambled into his own sleep shirt to hide his blushing. “Um, I need to use the chamber pot,” he said awkwardly and disappeared behind the privacy screen. He did what he had to do as quietly as he could, hoping that Meklavar couldn’t hear what was really going on. He imagined that there were some things about males that she didn’t understand yet, and perhaps that was for the best right now. He washed his hands thoroughly after he had taken care of what he needed to do, then sighed.

When he moved from behind the screen, he saw that Mek had already climbed in bed and was nestled comfortably under the covers. Her slippers were next to the bed and her robe hung up on one of the bedposts. He blew out the remaining candles and knew the fireplace’s light would be enough for them on this dark, cold winter night. He hung up his robe and aligned his own slippers beside hers, thinking how perfect they looked side by side that way. He climbed in bed next to her, and when he lay comfortably on his back, she rolled over to look at him.

“Come here, sweetheart,” he said softly. As she lay upon his chest he stroked her soft, fluffy hair, inhaling the sweet scent of the conditioning oil that he had rubbed into it when they had bathed together earlier. She was perfect in every way, and she was his. What had he ever done to deserve someone so amazing in his life? “I love you, Mek. More than words can say.”

“I love you, too,” she whispered back to him. When he felt her breathing slowing as she drifted off to sleep, he shut his eyes at last, smiling at the pleasant thought of falling asleep with her in his arms every night for a lifetime.

[haltandcatchfiretothemax]

Headcanon that in 1985, Bos hosts Thanksgiving weekend at The Clark(/Howe) Household for part of the Mutiny staff

[CN: food, alcohol]

He spontaneously volunteers after he walks in on Donna and Gordon quietly arguing in her office about their holiday plans: Donna suggests having some kind of holiday party at the office (“I mean we’ve only been here for a few weeks, I don’t want anyone who can’t afford to get home to be left without a place to go….”) Gordon smartly but also bitterly refuses, “Donna, I’ve been talking to my dad, and I want us to go see him. We didn’t get to see him the last time we were out here, and I want the girls to meet him at least once.” Donna hesitates, worried about the fight Gordon had with his brother last time, and just after Bos pokes his head into her office, Donna says, “But what about…?” Gordon doesn’t have the chance to even say her name; Bos offers, “I’ll be here this Turkey Day, I can take care of these chuckleheads. Including Cameron.” After Gordon says, “That’s one word for her,” under his breath, Donna says, “And you know what, you can come to our house, instead of having the staff come to the office! Do you wanna cook? Because if not there’s still to arrange and find some money for catering, right?” Gordon huffs out of Donna’s office, annoyed that as usual, it doesn’t feel like he won the argument.

Rather than putting it off or waiting for it to come out during another disagreement between Gordon and Cameron, Bos and Donna visit Cameron, who’s in her office, secretly looking to see if her ex has logged on. Donna knocks lightly on the doorframe, and says, “Hey, we were just talking about Thanksgiving. I wanted to do something for the staff members who can’t make it home, but Gordon and his dad are planning on us going up to his place that weekend, so….” Cameron momentarily forgets about Tom and balks, “Are you about to ask me to host a holiday? That requires like, actual food?” Bos laughs heartily, “No need to fear darlin’, I’ll be hosting, but I was hoping you’d be my lieutenant that day, I can work on the food, you can do the ‘team building’ or whatever it is that management is calling it these days.” Donna frowns, “I know it’s not ideal, the timing with this move wasn’t great….” Cameron shrugs glumly. “It’s okay. I don’t really celebrate, anyway, and I always complain that I’d rather be at work on holidays, so, it’s fine, I can lieutenant.” “I appreciate it,” Donna nods. “And I’ll only be a phone call away, if you guys need anything.” 

[Grab a snack and some water, rearrange your blankets and pillow, settle in, because there is a lot under the cut here, friends]

Cameron spends the next three and a half weeks pointedly not thinking about any upcoming holidays, while Bos and Donna make multiple announcements about Thanksmutiny 1985, and ask any interested parties to rsvp to either of them. They food shop and clean the downstairs area of Donna, Gordon, and Cameron’s house the weekend before, and end up having a surprisingly good, amiable time together while doing these chores

When Cameron stumbles into the kitchen at 9:45 that Thursday morning, Gordon is already outside, packing the car, and Haley and Joanie are in their coats, sitting at the kitchen table and waiting for Donna, who’s at the sink, rinsing plates. There’s a papier-mâché turkey in a small pilgrim hat sitting on the table between the girls. Confused, Joanie asks, “Wait, why aren’t you dressed yet? My dad said we’re leaving soon.” Before Cameron can answer, Donna says, “Honey, Cameron is staying here today, she and Bos are having Thanksgiving with some of the people from work who came with us from Dallas.” Looking utterly betrayed, Joanie cries, “She’s not coming? But it’s gonna be so boring!” “No, it won’t,” Donna snaps, “because only boring people are bored and you’re not boring. And besides, your sister will be there!” “And? She’s just gonna sit there and read the whole time!” Joanie whines. (Haley, who has a Nancy Drew book stuffed in her pocket, and two more in the bag that’s currently in the trunk of their car, flushes guiltily.) “Joanie, please,” Donna sighs. “Your mom’s right,” Cameron tries to help. “You’re not boring, you’ll find a way to entertain yourself. And it’s only a couple days, you won’t even notice I’m not there.” “That’s not true,” Joanie crosses her arms over chest stubbornly. 

They’re interrupted by Bos’ arrival. “Good morning, Clarks! And, Howe,” he greets them, tipping his Stetson. “Hey, Bos,” Cameron says. Before Bos can even take off his hat or coat, Joanie is begging, “Do I have to go? Can’t I just stay here with Cameron and Bos?! They don’t mind, right?” Evenly, Donna says, “I’m sure they wouldn’t mind at all, but your grandfather is expecting all of us.” Joanie opens her mouth to argue more but Donna cuts her off, “And it’s important to your father, which means it’s important to me, and that’s the end of it, so say goodbye to Cameron and Bos, and get yourself outside, okay? Thank you.” Looking utterly miserable, Joanie gets up and stomps over to  Cameron, and hugs her roughly. Close to bursting into tears herself, Cameron hugs Joanie back and says, “I’ll miss you too, weirdo.” Joanie glowers over at Bos, and says, “Bye Bos, see you soon.” “Yes, you will!” Bos promises, “we’ll all be together and celebrating soon!” Joanie says, “This stupid and UNFAIR.” Cameron says, “I know, but you’ll be back before you know it.” Unable to look at Cameron, Joanie abruptly pulls away, and rushes out the kitchen door. 

Haley watches her leave, and then timidly asks, “Do you guys want my centerpiece? We made them in school yesterday.” Quick on his feet as always, Bos says, “We’d be honored, m’dear.” Haley hugs him politely, and says, “His name is Texan.” When she also politely hugs Cameron, Cameron looks at both Bos and Donna, and mouths, “What is she talking about?” Donna, mildly outraged, gestures emphatically toward the papier-mâché turkey. “Oh, well, thanks, squirt,” Cameron says. “Have fun with your books, okay?” Nervously, Haley says, “Thank you, I will,” as Donna gets on her coat. A large casserole dish in one hand, she hugs Bos, and then Cameron, and says, “Happy Thanksgiving, okay? Have fun today, and thanks again for doing this.” Gordon comes to the door, and says, “Donna, it’s time, we might need to get out of here before Joanie tries to make a run for it.” In a menacingly and overly pleasant tone, Cameron says, “Happy Thanksgiving, Gordon,” and Gordon replies in kind, “Thanks Cam, and likewise. You have a good day today, okay?” Suppressing a smirk, Bos says, “Oh, I’m sure you’re in for a mighty fun weekend yourself, Mrs. Clark!” With a bemused but genuinely tired sigh, Donna ushers Haley out the door, and moments later, they’re headed for Gordon’s dad’s house.

“…I really need at least three cups of coffee after all of that,” Cameron says, and Bos finally lets out the laugh he’d been holding back. They make coffee, and heat the breakfast sandwiches Bos brought, and they chat pleasantly as they eat, but then finally, Bos says, “Alright, it is time to get to work.” Frowning, Cameron says, “Is it okay if I shower first?” Tying on the apron he brought, Bos says, “I’d be offended if you didn’t, Cam.” 

Cameron takes as long as she can with showering and getting dressed, as if this will delay the holidays themselves, but still only needs about twenty minutes. By the time she returns to the kitchen, the turkey is in the oven, Bos is working on the stuffing, and a cutting board, good knife, peeler, and washed vegetables are waiting on the table for Cameron. (The centerpiece has been moved out of harm’s way to the top of the fridge.) Cameron turns on the radio, and asks Bos what she should do first, and is surprised to find that cooking can be kind of soothing, when someone involved actually knows what they’re doing

By the time guests start arriving a few hours later, every part of the meal is either baking or cooking on the stove, and close to done, and Cameron is free to switch over to door-answering duty, though she’d frankly rather not. (She tries to bamboozle both Lev and Wonderboy into taking on this job but gets the stink eye from Bos both times.) She says, “Hi, welcome, Happy Thanksgiving to you too!” over and over again, and with Bos’s coaching she awkwardly accepts desserts, bottles of wine and whiskey, and floral arrangements and finds room to store them, takes coats, directs people to the living and rest rooms, and offers them drinks and hors d’oeuvres 

A fair number of local Mutiny hires celebrate with them that day, but Cameron is relieved that Yo-yo, Lev, Wonderboy, Frosty, and Arki are all there. (Carl and Bodie, both from big families with many holiday traditions, both flew back to Dallas for the weekend.) She realizes how little office time she’s spent with them since the move, and how different the new office is from the Mutiny house, and she realizes how happy she is to hang out with them outside of work, even if that day sort of feels like a work thing. 

By 4:30 everything is ready, and everyone helps to lay out the food and set the table. They take their seats, and Bos says a few words, thanks everyone there for their presence and their contributions both that day and every day at work, and reminds them once again that they’re the future even if ‘it sure doesn’t feel like it right now,’ and then after some applause and compliments, finally carves the turkey. They eat, and dinner is pleasantly rowdy, and much more enjoyable than Cameron could have ever hoped for it to be. Everyone eats a little more than they really need to, there’s plenty of wine, pies, brownies, and cookies to go around, and Bos is delighted to be able to send everyone home with a turkey cranberry stuffing sweet potato sandwich. 

Bos returns the following afternoon, ostensibly to help with the clean up, and Cameron is glad to have some company. They go for a walk while there’s still a little daylight left, and then go back to the house and proceed to scrub down the bathrooms and kitchen, and then go through the living and dining rooms to make sure they didn’t miss any spills or other messes, and like with the cooking, Cameron notices that it doesn’t feel like doing chores with a friend there.

They’re about to sit down and have some leftovers for dinner when the phone rings, and Cameron jumps up to answer it. When she says, “Hello?” Joanie says, “Cameron?” “Uh, hey, Joanie? Is everything okay?” “No, everything sucks,” Joanie sulks, and Cameron says, “Right, but like, everyone is safe, right?” “Yeah, I just wanna go home,” Joanie sighs. And then admits, “To Dallas.” “I feel like that too sometimes,” Cameron says. “But I guess, sometimes you can’t do what you need to do at home, so you have to somewhere else, and try, even though part of you doesn’t want to.” Knowing that Cameron sometimes wants to go back to Texas is both comforting and slightly annoying to Joanie, and she says, “You’re gonna be there when we get back right? Can we play a game, or go to the park, or something?” “Of course,” Cameron says. 

Before she can say anything else, she hears Donna, “Joanie Marie, what are you doing?! Who are you on the phone with?! Hello?” she shouts into the receiver. “It’s me, Jesus,” Cameron says. “Oh,” Donna says. “I’m sorry, I hope she didn’t bother you.” Rolling her eyes, Cameron says, “Of course she didn’t bother me. She’s like, ten. She just wants to come home.” She doesn’t say anything about Dallas, but she doesn’t have to. “Feels like there’s a lot of that going around,” Donna deadpans. “How are you though? Was yesterday okay?” “It wasn’t anywhere near as depressing as I thought it would be,” Cameron says. “I’m glad to hear that,” Donna grins. “You can tell me about it when we get home, I should go, I don’t wanna run up the phone bill.” “Right,” Cameron nods. “See you soon.” “Yeah, enjoy the rest of your weekend with the house to yourself,” Donna jokes. “And Happy Thanksgiving.” “Yeah, you too,” Cameron says, before they hang up.

(Donna asks why she called Cameron, and after a lot of coaxing, ‘Joanie finally says, “Because. I missed her. She always pays attention to us.” Donna feels a mix of guilt for abandoning Cameron, and that it upset Joanie, and relief at getting some distance from Cameron, and her inexplicable and weirdly intense desire to see Cameron thrive and grow and become a better boss. Gently, Donna says, “You should have asked your grandfather if you could use the phone.” “I know,” Joanie says. “I don’t regret it though.” Donna feels like she should scold her, but instead, she says, “I admire your conviction,” and she means it.)

Over their leftovers, Bos asks Cameron, “So how are things with you, and Donna?” “I don’t know?” Cameron says. “It’s weird, we moved here, and now we live together, and we’re not friends, but we’re also more than friends, we’re….” Bos says, “Partners.” “Right,” Cameron nods. “And we’re not family, but we live together. With Gordon. Who I know doesn’t want me here, and I don’t wanna live with him either, but part of me doesn’t wanna leave, either.” Bos frowns, “Well, it’s not easy when someone else comes along and steals your wife away. Especially when it makes you realize that you haven’t fully appreciated her. Donna seems happy, though. I know Mutiny is important to her, and that she likes working with you.” 

Suddenly self-conscious, Cameron awkwardly says, “I like working with her, too, I’ve never worked with anyone like that, before. We disagree a lot, but it’s like, productive, usually? I can’t explain it. I just know that sometimes…we get home, and I’m not her partner anymore. Because Gordon is. And it feels lonely.” The words coming out in a tumble now, she says, “I feel lonely a lot here, sometimes I feel homesick.” Sympathetically, Bos says, “I know, but that’s to be expected. No one takes a leap without wonderin’ if they should have looked longer for another way across, Cam.” When she’s too embarrassed to say anything, Bos continues, “You’ll figure out the rest of it. You and Donna got all the time in the world to figure out how to be partners, and you’ll find your place. That’s why you came here.” Cameron changes the subject, but when Bos leaves that evening, after a few hours of watching television, she hugs him tightly and thanks him.

Cameron mostly enjoys spending some time by herself on Sunday, and doesn’t quite know what to do or say when Donna, Gordon, and the girls get back in the early evening. Donna decides to ‘help’ the girls unpack so she can spend some time in their room, and takes the opportunity to ask Cameron, “So, how are you? How was Thursday?” Cameron says, “It was actually pretty fun, I’ve had way worse Thanksgivings.” Smiling sadly, Donna says, “Well I’m glad you guys had a good time, at least.” Lowering her voice, she says, “Imagine Gordon twenty-five years older and without his unbounded sense of whimsy, and that’s his father.” “Yikes,” Cameron grimaces. “Yeah,” Donna says, “there was a lot of them sitting and silently being sad together? Not exactly the holiday I wanted for the girls, but, hey.” 

Cameron tries to come up with something to say but before she can, Joanie interrupts them, “Hey, you said we could play a game, do you wanna play gin?” Cameron smiles, “Sure.” Joanie opens up her desk drawer to search for her deck of playing cards, and Donna, suddenly overtaken by her affection for the both of them, hugs Cameron, kind of the way Joanie hugged her before they left, and says, “I’m sorry that we couldn’t celebrate together this year, but next year, we’ll have Thanksgiving together, okay, guys?” “Um, okay?” Cameron says. Grabbing Cameron’s hand to drag her out to the dining room table, Joanie says, “Yeah sounds good mom!” Donna stays in their room, and sits with Haley for awhile, and Cameron and Joanie end up playing cards for the next couple hours, until dinnertime.

On the day after Thanksgiving in 1994, when Joanie is in the kitchen with Donna and Cameron, she says, “Hey remember in 1985 when you said we’d all celebrate together next Thanksgiving?” Already feeling nostalgic and a little out of sorts after her first Thanksgiving without Gordon, Donna cries, “I do remember that! Do you remember that?” she asks Cameron. Smiling glumly, Cameron says, “Yeah, I do. I thought about it every year at Tom’s mother’s house.” “I’m sorry I didn’t keep my promise,” Donna says. Joanie rolls her eyes, “It just took longer than you thought it would. And whatever, because, it was worth the wait.” 

Cameron and Donna are together for every Thanksgiving after that, and Haley is there for most of them, too, and Joanie is always there too, after she gets back from her years of living abroad. 

[sallynilsson51-blog]

“Tis the season to be Jolly…” Or is it?

Brief, solution focused therapy....Sally Nilsson, Hypnotherapist in Surrey

Imagine the scene…  

The perfect Christmas dinner has just been demolished and all the family are sitting round the roaring fire. Granny’s supping a sherry, the kids are playing Buckaroo and the adults are enjoying a game of Charades, laughing their heads off.  Perfect. Will your Christmas be like this?

Here’s a few ideas on how you can enjoy or maybe even just get through Christmas this year but first I’ll share with you why ‘the season to be jolly’ can be far from this for many people. Please visit my website for how I can help further with more detailed information on mental health issues at horleytherapy.co.uk

Illness and bereavement this Christmas  

Why does it seem that so many people fall ill or even pass away over the festive period? Last year my beloved father in law died and our family were in Sweden for his funeral the week before Christmas Day. Now my Dad is ill.  Are you going through bereavement or caring for poorly loved ones or are you suffering with an illness whether physical or emotional?

Caring for yourself and others can be very stressful and left untreated may lead to depression.  Often the situation is not in your control. Having control is an important emotional need for all of us.  Think about what you do have control of right now. Making sure you have sufficient medication in the holiday season is very important.  Visit poorly loved ones as often as you can and if you do have a concern, give yourself ample time to make a GP appointment.  GPs are stretched to unbelievable limits, especially in the Christmas week and New Year, same for A & E departments.  With the flu season upon as make sure those who are vulnerable have had their flu jab.

As a carer you may well be thinking constantly of others and not yourself.  It is not selfish to think about your needs so give yourself a break.  You are no good to anyone if you burn yourself out. If you can, try to normalise the end of an elderly loved one’s life.  We are born and we will die.  Us humans do have a lifespan.  The best we can do is to be kind, forgive (if there have been broken relationships) and spend time with those we love at the end of their lives.  If a loved one has passed away, however difficult the end may have been try to remember a time when you were together and happy.  Sit quietly and bring the memory into your mind for a few minutes.  Breathe slowly and really emerse yourself in the memory, where you both were, what they were wearing, even the smell of their perfume or aftershave.  This can be a great comfort.

Stress this Christmas…

The list is endless of what can make you feel stressed at Christmas and the section on

stress

at my website horleytherapy.co.uk goes into more detail about the symptoms both physical and emotional.  Stress and anxiety are closely related and the best advice I can give when your heart starts racing, you feel angry, jealous, worried, you breathe too quickly and you can’t think straight is this. Calm yourself down with your breath.

This has worked for my clients and myself so many times and it is amazing to believe that such an easy exercise can reverse a panic attack, prevent an argument and help you to think clearly, quickly and safely.

When you can feel the stress symptoms just beginning or you know there is a stressful situation coming up take yourself to somewhere quiet. If you are in the car, pull over where it is safe and get out and move away.  Better to be sitting but standing is fine too.  Close your eyes and breathe in slowly for the count of seven then out for the count of eleven.  If this is too much you can try five and eight or whatever feels comfortable.  The idea is that you need to breathe out for a longer count than you breathe in.  Feel the breath coming in and out in the stomach, not your chest.  Keep this up for 2 minutes.  Put all your focus on your breath and not your stressful thoughts. Any unwanted thoughts you can notice but then imagine moving them away and return to thinking about your breath.

This exercise works for many reasons but two are: it helps to rebalance the amount of oxygen and carbon dioxide in your body and  also it enables you to step back and observe the situation more calmly and with logic.

Anxiety this Christmas…

Whereas stress is something that is real and actually happening, anxiety is what you think will happen or what you thought happened in the past in a negative way.  One of the main reasons that anxiety can take hold is a misuse of your imagination.  Your imagination can be used so successfully to solve problems and find solutions. This is what we were born to do.  When your imagination backfires and becomes damaging is when you begin to think of all different scenarios that could happen. Thoughts go round and round in your head and it becomes impossible to think clearly.  Catastrophic thoughts or black and white thinking come into play. This will not help anyone. Examples of these are “My friend didn’t call me back, she hates me” or “My homework is rubbish, I never get it right”

To calm down begin the breathing exercise for stress as above. Step back from yourself and mentally observe the situation from a distance.  Do you have evidence that the bad thing will happen?  What is the very worst thing that can happen? Is this likely? Think back to a time when you thought something really bad was going to happen and either it didn’t or it wasn’t nearly as bad as you thought it would be.  Reframe the issue and see if you can think of an alternative scenario.  An example of this is when a checkout assistant in the supermarket seems sullen and unhelpful, making you feel angry. What if they have just found out they are going to be made redundant and this is their last shift?  Try this with other scenarios during your day and reframe them.  It will keep you calmer and p erhaps help you to be a bit more understanding.

Depression this Christmas  

Depression is normally brought on by a period of stress or anxiety when you have not been able to see a way out of a problem and the future looks bleak.  Separation, the loss of a job or loved one can all lead to depression. Please see the section on depression at the website horleytherapy.co.uk for a more detailed account and how I can help.  Christmas can be a particularly difficult time.  There may be something that happened to you at Christmas time so when the season is coming up you can pattern match to the bad memory.  What if you prepare yourself this time and stop repeating the same experience?

If the memory is about a place, a group of people. a particular date or an event you are expected to attend which all have reminders say to yourself beforehand that you will break the pattern and do something else. You don’t have to put yourself through the bad stuff.  Make a plan to do something completely different at the ‘trigger’ time and please, make it a pleasant experience.  If a loved one passed away at Christmas, think about them the week before, visit their burial place then. They will understand.  If a partner finished with you or you with them it may not be a good idea to get out all the photos, put on the records you loved together and drink a bottle of vodka.

You have choices!

Money worries cause anxiety which can lead to depression.  Peer pressure and the need to ‘keep up with the Jones’s’ can be avoided.  Be honest with your family early on. Explain that there just isn’t enough money in the pot this year for the Samsung Galaxy S8 or Pandora charm bracelet.  If your children are lucky enough to get pocket money then ask them to make a contribution to their presents. A secret Santa gift for little cash means you have remembered loved ones. Don’t feel guilty. It’s just stuff.

Christmas Day with people you don’t get on with. Don’t put yourself through it – again! Arrange to see them before or after Christmas instead.  Here’s some handy phrases to get out of it.

We’re not doing Christmas Day at ours this year.  Our local pub are doing a festive meal and we’ve just managed to bag the last 4 places! We really want to see you though so how does (insert date) sound?

We’ve been invited for Christmas Day by our friends (insert) and we’ve put them off for years so we’re going to theirs.  Will definitely meet up (insert date).

Do you know, we’ve never told you this but actually we don’t really like turkey, mince pies, Christmas cake etc so we’re going for sushi just for a change.

We’ve been a bit stupid and accidently invited the partner’s boss for Christmas Day! Can’t get out of it now.  Will definitely see you before or after.

Overspending at Christmas

At this time of year you cannot avoid the huge, beautiful real Christmas trees that COST A FORTUNE. As for the baubles, tinsel, decorations, lights etc, etc. Give it a rest. Does your house and garden really need to look like a scene from ‘Deck the Halls’?

When I was a kid a wonderful memory was making paper chains. All you need is a pack of coloured paper cut into 2.5cm strips and some pritt stick.  If you can drag your offspring away from their consoles/phones for an hour you’ll be giving you and them some real family time.

You may be able to cut a small tree from a local farm or choose a garden centre that doesn’t have Titchmarsh blaring out from the speakers and go for the cheapest option. Alternatively, go to the town outdoor market or get a small artificial one from Wilco’s.

Go to Church  We live in a more secular society and you don’t have to be a born again Christian to go to a carol or Christingle service.  I am not religious but there’s nothing I like more than belting out ‘O Come All Ye Faithfull’ and watching the kiddies all wanting to be angels – such innocence.  Tell you who might like this – your elderly relatives!

Turkey Many of the traditions are so out of date. I am not a vegan or indeed vegetarian but do you really need to spend up to £100 on a goose or turkey?  There they were, minding there own business, scratching around and being sooo looked after then CHOP!  Surely you can have the food YOU like to eat at a price YOU want to pay.

Lonliness at Christmas Are you likely to be alone this Christmas?  If you want to be alone and are happy about that then you have every right to be. You can get up when you want, eat and drink what you want and listen to your music or watch your TV.

What if the idea of being on your own makes you sad?  Do you know someone who is going to be on their own this Christmas, a neighbour, someone recently bereaved, or someone who has no family or has separated? Can you lay one extra place at your table for that person?  If they feel it will be too much of an imposition, can you pop round with a goody bag and an hour of your time for a chat?

Get out of the house If you are going to be on your own be good to yourself.  Set your alarm and get yourself ready for the day.  If you are able bodied make yourself breakfast and go for a walk.  Walking in nature is uplifting, even in the rain, or just getting some fresh air and walking around where you live will fill some of the day.

Helping others Often when we feel sad or anxious we spend long periods of time on thinking negative thoughts of what could have been or what might be in the future.  Focusing outwards can prevent this. Is there a local food bank or soup kitchen or somewhere you can help others less fortunate than yourself? An hour spent doing something for someone else will give meaning and purpose to your day. Perhaps there is an animal shelter that could do with some help?

Keep yourself busy Just because it is Christmas Day doesn’t mean you have to do Christmassy things.  What about that cupboard you have put off clearing or the shed that needs sorting out?  You can go to any charity shop and pick up a jigsaw puzzle. Any type of arts and crafts activity will give you something to concentrate on.  

Listening to your favourite music relating to good times or watching comedy can help.  So can picking up that book which you have been meaning to read but haven’t had time. Rather than spending long periods of time at home alone are their some shifts you can swap at work?  Your colleague will be grateful for the time off giving you the opportunity of holiday time later in the year.

Pefection Very often at Christmas there is an expectation that everything has to be perfect. Do you know what? It doesn’t.  If you expect that this will be the best Christmas ever, Uncle John will behave, your kids will love their presents, your partner will get that special gift for you, the meal will arrive on time and be delicious, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment.  There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of pessimism.  What will be will be.  

Alcohol  Have you been in a situation where alcohol has spoiled your Christmas?  Bringing together groups of people who don’t normally get on or simmering arguments with partners become inflamed when alcohol is in the mix.  So often the day starts early with Champagne or Prosecco, and continues with glasses continually being filled. It’s like no-one has ever had a drink before so they need to consume as much as humanly possible over a ten hour period. Danger!

Enjoying a drink is great when you can handle it.  How about going out a few days before for a celebration knowing that just for Christmas Day you will cut right down or not even drink any alcohol. It is only one day and chances are you will wake up on Boxing Day with a clear conscience (and head), guilt free and feeling very pleased with yourself for a successful and happy Christmas.

There may be one family member or friend who you know will over do it.  I appreciate this is not the easiest conversation to have yet you have the right to a happy day so speak to them beforehand and make it clear that although they are very welcome at your house you will not accept any bad behavior or repeat of a previous alcohol induced bad event.  If they do play up they will be asked to leave.  After all the day is for everyone to enjoy, especially where children are involved.

Remember what is important this Christmas  

1.   Tell the people close to you that you love them and mean it

2.   Make time for others who need you

3.   If you can’t say something nice then zip the lip

4.   Make a conscious effort to include the children

5.   Be realistic about expectations. You don’t need perfection

6.   Think about what you are spending. Keep to a budget

7.   Plan ahead for the meal. So much can be prepared beforehand

8.   Watch the booze

9.   Think about who you really want to spend Christmas with

10.  Have fun!

I hope you have a fantastic Christmas.  I will be here if you need me and invite you to send me an e.mail at sally@horleytherapy.co.uk

With any worries now or in the New Year.

[shooktim-blog]

It had been so long since I last visited the largest city in Virginia, that I treated my recent visit to Virginia Beach as a first experience. I’m glad I did too, because I discovered parts of the community that I would have otherwise missed and had an incredible experience along the way. I may be biased since I’m originally from Virginia, but I think there is a wealth of things to do throughout the Commonwealth and especially in the active community of Virginia Beach. If you’re visiting for a long weekend or even a longer escape, here are my favorite experiences that I think anyone will love. [I’m working with Virginia Tourism on this project but, as always, all thoughts and opinions are entirely my own.]

The Cavalier Hotel

Historic hotels are unique in that yes, they offer incredible luxury, but they also have a certain quality that’s impossible to replicate. Their age and the many guests they’ve welcomed have created a patina of hospitality that, while not visible, is an important part of the experience. That’s especially true at the newly reimagined Cavalier Hotel in Virginia Beach. Originally built in 1927, almost immediately The Cavalier became a hotspot for the rich and famous. Thanks to nonstop trains from cities like Chicago, the halls of the hotel were soon filled with those who wanted to see and be seen. The Fitzgerald’s, Frank Sinatra, Bob Hope and several Presidents all were guests of the hotel and many say that The Cavalier is what put Virginia Beach on the map in the first place. This Golden Era came to an abrupt end though in World War II when the hotel was surrendered to the US Navy and became a site for radar training. Although the hotel was returned to its owner, it had lost its pizzazz and in the intervening decades lost the brilliance for which it had once been known. Several years ago though it was sold to new owners who went through an extensive renovation and restoration process and, somewhat miraculously, brought back the luxury and hospitality that made The Cavalier, now part of the Autograph Collection, famous during the Roaring Twenties. Everything at The Cavalier is done to perfection, from the quirky yet refined design to the food and of course the hospitality. The Cavalier originally put Virginia Beach on the map and it’s redefining it once again in the 21st century.

Paddling Around

There are few things I enjoy more than being out on the water. There’s just a certain peace of mind and solemnity that accompanies it, and getting a little exercise along the way is an added bonus. Sure, I spent time along the city’s famous beach, but for something a little different I joined a morning kayak tour with VB Surf Sessions. The company specializes in paddle boarding excursions, including one that visits local pubs, but it was the kayaking that grabbed my attention immediately. Rudee Inlet is located in the Virginia Beach Oceanfront District and is next to the Virginia Aquarium. Most folks know the inlet for its marinas and restaurants, but it’s also a great place to go for adventure sports. Paddling along the tall grasses of the estuary, we saw all kinds of wildlife, including eagles, osprey and more. But it was also just nice to paddle around, exploring small little waterways and appreciating Mother Nature in what I think is the best possible way.

Great Bites

I could, and I will, devote an entire post to the culinary side of Virginia Beach because it really was that impressive. Like so many other communities around the world, Virginia Beach has enjoyed a culinary renaissance in recent years, with creative chefs, brewers and even vintners opening shop and offering their visions to the local community. Although I don’t eat seafood, I do recognize it’s an important aspect of visiting Virginia Beach for most people which is one reason why I was excited to dine at the new(ish) Porch on Long Creek. Overlooking the beautiful Lynnhaven River, this is a light and airy space that specializes in American Coastal cuisine. Yes, their clear strength is fish and seafood (brought in fresh daily) but they have an expansive menu so that even a non-pescatarian like me can thoroughly enjoy the experience. Another great spot to enjoy a delicious night out is back at The Cavalier Hotel in their equally historic Hunt Room. Originally a quiet space for duck hunters to enjoy a meal in the early days of the hotel, that same rustic feel is what I first noticed walking into the new and impressive Hunt Room. A massive brick fireplace is at the heart of the room, creating a warm and inviting space that I loved right away. The menu is just as impressive with modern twists on Virginia classics, like the charcuterie board made with local meats and cheeses and even a delicious fried quail as a main course. This is also where you’ll find the hotel’s on-site distillery, Tarnished Truth. This, the first hotel distillery in the country, features several craft spirits, including bourbon, rye whiskey and even AVA Vodka. Guests can also take flight tastings, tours and cocktail lessons here.

For me, breakfast is always an important part of staying at the beach, and in Virginia Beach the clear winner is the locally famous May’s Parlor. Recently celebrating their two-year anniversary, this small cottage at the Oceanfront serves up incredible fresh-made pastries, along with cakes and pies and other light bites guaranteed to fuel your day. There’s a lot to love about eating your way around Virginia Beach and I think that, like me, you’ll leave both surprised and impressed.

Finding LOVE

Love is everywhere if you’re willing to look for it, but in Virginia that’s more true than you might realize. Most people know that the state has had the slogan “Virginia is for lovers” for 50 years but unless you’ve been to Virginia in the last couple of years, you may have missed these massive LOVE signs found in every corner of the state. The LOVEworks project encourages local communities to come up with their own unique take on the LOVE sign and so far there are more than 160 around the state. I love this for so many different reasons but especially because in a time of increasing negativity it’s a good reminder that most people everywhere are basically good hearted folks. Virginia Beach has several of these now iconic signs, which you can find via the official LOVEworks site. It’s a fun way to explore new regions and what you discover on the way to the signs is many times even more impactful than the works of art themselves.

Amazing History

As a Virginian, and someone who lived for quite a while in Williamsburg, I thought I had a strong grasp on the Commonwealth’s impressive history. But I was surprised to learn that Virginia Beach has a lot more to contribute to the story of the country than I originally thought, starting at First Landing State Park. The average American doesn’t realize that the first English settlers landed in Virginia and not Massachusetts and that original landing spot is here in Virginia Beach. First Landing State Park honors the 100 English settlers who landed there in 1607, before they headed further up the James River to Jamestown. It’s more than a simple commemoration though, it’s a massive 2,888-acre park that features miles of beachfront and more than 19 miles of trails through protected salt marsh habitat. It’s a beautiful area and appeals to just about any type of traveler no matter their interest. While you’re at the park, also be sure to visit another historic site, the Cape Henry Lighthouse. This was the first lighthouse commissioned in 1792 by the newly formed US Government and although there is now a newer one, albeit built in the 19th century, both are beautiful to behold. You can also climb to the top of the original lighthouse for incredible views of the region.

Fish Frenzy

Visiting a beach community also involves spending time inside as well, and in Virginia Beach I couldn’t wait to visit the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center. In recent years I’ve been somewhat wary of zoos and aquariums and I make sure that they conduct research and important work as part of their mission, which is most definitely the case at the Virginia Aquarium. The facility is expansive and offers a terrific look at a variety of global ecosystems as well as native Virginia flora and fauna. In addition to the indoor exhibits, there’s also an outdoor nature trail running alongside Owls Creek Salt Marsh. I love how they intertwine the nature around them with the displays and together it’s a fun and definitely educational experience.

I honestly enjoyed my time in Virginia Beach a lot more than I thought it would. The community has changed a lot in recent years and the influx of creative individuals has left its mark on the city and surrounding region. But they haven’t lost sight of what made them popular in the first place and it’s how the traditional and the innovative are fused that fascinated me so very much. There’s also a lot more to see and do than I had time for, but hopefully this brief list has piqued your interest in visiting Virginia Beach.

The post My Perfect Visit to Virginia Beach in 6 Steps appeared first on LandLopers.

[lbremote]

Philippi Township Project

The most rewarding day of my trip so far. I will never forget these kids.

1/24  In each city, Remote Year works with local organizations on Positive Impact projects to give back to the communities we visit. Cape Town’s PI is the Philippi Township Project’s Adolescent Youth Friendly Space (AYFS):

This after school facility for youth aged 4 -14 provides a safe space for the kids until their parents finish work. We have been able to contribute to the facility monthly by painting the structures, installing a Greenhouse as well as vegetable garden, and we are finishing off our youth hangout spot to make it ready for 2019. We are teaching the kids the basics of botany and our youth hangout spot is poised to be a business hub for 2019. - RY

RY has been working on the Youth Space for a few years now, so each group that comes through gets to work on a different phase of the project. For us it was painting a mural to hang up in the center and playing with the kids-- perfect for me!! Lindsay got to come too which was awesome so that we could experience another side of Cape Town together.

We arrived at Philippi Village, a township of Cape Town, and Josh from the City Team gave us a tour of the Youth Space. There’s a playground, vegetable garden, soccer field, recording studio, and gathering spaces for classes, activities and meals. We prepared the large canvas for the mural, drawing outlines for the kids to color in and setting up painting materials, and soon the children arrived.  

Whatever feelings of doubt, stress, exhaustion, anxiety I had up until this point in my journey were washed out the door as soon as I met the Philippi kids. They were shy at first, but once they warmed up to us we became inseparable. Not all of them speak or understand English- I noticed that the older children seemed to speak more English, but the younger ones may have also been more shy. Regardless, these kids are so smart knowing/learning two languages at this age. Josh’s brother Nate was teaching a DJ workshop in the same room to some young Philippi men (so cool that they empower the youth through music and there’s something for all age groups) so the beats were flowing as we hung out.

As I was painting with them I made a little friend. I don’t think he understood English at all, he didn’t say a word, but was following me around the mural. I gave him a paintbrush, and I would draw an outline of something then he would color it in. We had a system. I gestured to ask him what I should draw next- a butterfly? a flower? and he would point and nod, I would draw it, and he would fill it in always with yellow paint so that we ended up with an entirely yellow section of the finished product. It was so cute!

A tween girl asked me to write my name on her arm, so I did. Then I asked her to write her name on my arm, so she wrote “Esona Love Lauren.” My heart burst. Her friends joined in, grabbing paints and drawing on my shoulders-- I had no idea what they were drawing but let them go for it. When I asked what they had written, they said “Queen” and “Boss Lady” in xhosa. Again, my whole heart lit up, but I was also curious as to why they chose me to label (they didn’t write on anyone else). I don’t know. I asked them if they could help me do my hair, and they excitedly started braiding. I asked them about themselves and what they do at the Youth Center every day after school. The way they talked about their lives and carried themselves was wise beyond their years-- they had a cool confidence, a maturity level that made me realize how vastly different their upbringing was to mine. I was enthralled by these strong young women and deeply honored they wanted to hang out with me. I told them they can do anything they want in this world. I think of them often, hoping they will soar. 

Once the mural was filled in and the kids got rambunctious we went outside for soccer and silliness. We did piggy back rides, races, spinning in circles, and had a dance party. I noticed that not once did a child complain, whine, or even cry if they fell down (which I was thinking would not be the same scenario in a group of privileged white children). They exuded genuine happiness in a place of poverty. These kids and their entire community make so much out of so little, exposing the unimportance of material items or money when it comes to being content, which is where happiness is rooted. They completely turned my mood upside down; their smiles, hugs, and innocence radiated into my soul.

We hung the mural up in the center and admired how it really brings the space to life. A great team effort. Our goodbyes were prolonged. There’s really nothing like a hug from a child. They all just want to be loved, want some attention, that’s what makes them light up. One of the girls who braided my hair said she’ll miss me. My favorite part of the whole day was when my little painter buddy who had been so shy all day ran up to me a hug. I was overflowed with love for these kids. This is what travel is all about, what being a citizen of the world is all about, what being human is all about: helping and loving each other no matter where you come from, what you look like, what language you speak. We are connected through our hearts.

[topicprinter]

There was a post in this sub earlier today that was basically saying that if you don't have the ability to Google answers to simple questions, that you probably don't have what it takes to make it as an entrepreneur.And for the most part, I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment.However, the short reply I started to write about that quickly turned into a rant about another topic I've been pondering lately, and so I decided to give it its own post.Content Marketing is Ruining Our Ability To Learn OnlineMalcolm Gladwell is well-known for his reference of the 10,000 Hour Rule - the principle that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to master a skill - but a few years ago I realised that there were a whole bunch of these 10,000 hour masters out there who'd written pretty detailed, yet distilled, advice on how to achieve mastery in their given art, and published it online. Sometimes even in the form of a "top 5" list, this knowledge was never more than a 20 second google search away, and literally gave you master-level insight.But then something happened. Other now-well-known authors started popping up telling people that they don't need to become a master in order to teach others, that with just a little bit of study and some self-confidence, you too can act as an authority on a topic. Thus, the "10 Hour Guru" was born, and Google quickly became flooded with top 5 tips from people who maybe weren't the most qualified to determine what those top 5 tips were.And I feel that this has been exacerbated in the last 18 months or so with the rise of content marketing, where everybody is writing quick little sharable pieces in the hope of catching attention, to the point where it's actually become really difficult to find quality learning material online.For example, if you were to go on Google right now and type in "how to launch a youtube channel" or similar topics ("Youtube tips", "Youtube strategy", etc.), you'll find pages like this:How to Start a Youtube Channel (Entrepreneur.com), which is literally a guide on how to follow the fucking setup steps for registering a Google account and creating a channel on Youtube. Super not helpful7 Ways to make your Youtube Channel Really Successful - which contains ever-helpful advice like "be positive" and "be unique and original"How to Launch And Grow a Youtube Channel in 14 days (Hootsuite). This one is actually slightly more helpful, and contains some links to topics you can read more on, but ultimately comes down to giving superficial advice like "post good videos" followed by "use Hootsuite" at the endAs well as a whole host of other people trying to sell you ebooks and online courses, or to sign you up to their e-mail drip marketing campaign (that will later try and sell you an ebook or online course)Can you imagine if recipes were shared online like that?A Content Marketer's Guide to Making an Apple PieStep 1: Have confidence in yourself - confidence is key to really nailing that apple pie!Step 2: Your pie must contain apples - An apple pie isn't an apple pie without apples (the Entrepreneur.com step)Step 3: Choose a crust that aligns with your ethos. Some people like butter, other people like to use shortening. There's no right answer, but we can't give you pros/cons or even an opinion!Step 4: Make sure the oven is the "right" temperature - too hot and you could burn your pie. Nobody likes burnt pie!Step 5: If you mess it up, you can always buy a pie! Walmart has a great range of pies that can ship to you in under an hour!PS: For more great tips on how to make pie, enter your e-mail address to get our free apple pie baking ebook!PPS: Don't forget to join our masterbaker piemaker course, 50% off if you subscribe in the next 22 seconds!Even the purportedly good content creators are creating very SEO-driven content, which means creating individually packaged pieces of content that answer frequently searched-for questions, but that don't actually give you a broader learning structure to put it all under. The example I would give here is Video Creators on YouTube, who actually seem to know their stuff, but damned if I can find a structure or starting place to any of it.What's more, this approach surely results in a ton of duplicated content (albeit repackaged slightly). Eg:How to Rank YouTube Videos for a Broader TopicThe Best Way to Rank Videos #1 in SearchThe #1 Best Thing You Can Do for your Video SEOThis playlist of 20 videos about SEO on YoutubeAnd as frustrating as I find it that they don't just have a single, comprehensive video about SEO on YouTube, I completely understand why they're doing it: Because that's how the game is won in 2017. The reason content marketing is what it is, is because people are rewarded for behaving this way... and essentially punished if they don't.Google rewards them by ranking their endless streams of content across their multitude of keywords. The numpties that upvote posts reward them. The people who fork over their e-mail addresses reward them (or worse yet, the people who pay for ebooks and courses reward them).This problem is systemic.So what's the solution?Honestly, I don't know that there is one - at least not one that I can see.I mean, these stand out to me:1. Encourage masters to create more content. The issue is that when they're at the peak of their game, they're out there doing, not teaching. This is why the 'teachers' in Entrepreneur Land are often criticized as making their money from teaching people how to make money. Not to mention that there's a bit of fear involved in "sharing the secret recipe", even though history will show us that having a perfect recipe and being able to bake a perfect pie are two completely different things).2. Discourage useless posts. Unfortunately, there are a shit ton of people who get super duper inspired when they read things like "be authentic" as a critical step in apple pie making. Heck, we see it in this sub all the time - people upvoting and writing how inspired they were when someone gives bad advice in useless posts in the sub - if we're lucky some people chip in with why that advice is bad and the author deletes their post. Even /u/garyvaynerchuk, who was previously well-known for freely giving in-depth strategic knowledge, has recently discussed that he's using motivational content as a gateway to access a larger fanbase.3. Better curation. I think this is one of the reasons that Product Hunt became so popular initially. It wasn't just a great way to see the latest apps/products being introduced to the market, it was also a curated list in the beginning, with a select number of people able to even submit projects in the first place. It's also why sites like Startup Stash have become so immensely popular. (Note that Startup Stash isn't just a list of the "top 5 apps" in multiple categories, it is an actual definitive list, according to /u/BRVM, of every app that will be useful to you in those categories.). Don't just subscribe to services that automatically populate your twitter/social feeds.4. Ask people who've done it before for advice. Welcome to the callback! Granted, I think the main reason that people post asking for advice on simple topics is that they are too lazy to take the time to research it themselves, but I also think it's sometimes hard to find a starting place. That's why I posted the other day in /r/newtubers looking for a good guide that breaks down youtube strategy.A Call To Action: Let's Create Better ContentIt's always good to end a post with a nice call to action, and I think at the end of the day what it really comes down to is that it is our responsibility as entrepreneurs to create better content, to help each other grow our businesses rather than trying to profit from each other all the time.If you're sitting out there, and you have knowledge of how to grow a pinterest account, how to grow a youtube account, a facebook account, how to copywrite, run a Kickstarter, etc., then create teachable content that goes beyond a sharable/rankable fluff piece, or even a single pillar article. Take a look at sites like how the landing page course used to be (before they threw an e-mail capture in front of it), and look at how you yourself can contribute to creating perennial, definitive content that others can learn from, that becomes the #1 piece of content anyone anywhere will recommend when people ask , "Does anyone know how to grow a youtube channel?".And I'm not excusing myself from this. I've already started to assemble the piece meal posts and comments I've made here for my experiments with @yahtzeedog and @fuddlemuckers and others into a single definitive guide to Instagram, and you can be sure I'll do it with YouTube once I figure that one out. If anyone wants to help build any of these, feel free to drop a comment/DM and let's get started.And the thing is... I think if we actually assemble this information, that it could potentially serve as the greatest content marketing of all.Thanks for listening to my rant :DPS: Here's my Grandma Ferguson's REAL Apple Pie Recipe. All the steps.

[justlookfrightened]

Second part of Neighbors AU, Chapter 5

Read it on AO3

Read Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3 or Chapter 4.

Eric rinsed their plates and put them in Jack’s dishwasher while Jack browsed through the offerings on Netflix.

“What about this one?” Jack asked, pulling up a documentary about FDR. It had good reviews, and was focused on domestic history as much as on the military history of World War II.

Eric wrinkled his nose.

“‘Cooked’?” Jack suggested. “‘Michael Pollan tries his hand at baking …. et cetera, et cetera … and explores how cooking transforms food and shapes our world.”

“That sounds really interesting,” Eric said. “I mean, I think I’ll like it, but is it something you’d be interested in? I can always watch it later if you want something lighter.”

Jack shrugged.

“It’ll be fine,” he said.

The first episode, on fire and what that meant for the human diet, was just queued up when Eric’s phone buzzed with a text alert.

“Tater?” Eric said. “Why do you suppose he’s texting me? Did he forget the bakery is closed on Sundays?”

“No,” Jack groaned. “He said he was gonna do this.”

“Do what?” Eric asked.

“Just read the text,” Jack said.

Hello, Eric! Some of the team are to meet up at the Red Fez for drinks and food. We owe you drinks for pies, and for making zimmboni lighten up. Meet us at 6? I pick you up if you want.

“They want me to go for drinks with them?”

“Tater said something after the game yesterday,” Jack said. “You can go if you want. I think it’s Tater, Snowy, Marty, Guy and maybe Thirdy?”

“Do you want to go?” Eric asked.

“I don’t usually …” Jack started as Eric texted Tater.

Is it OK if Jack comes too?

The answer came within seconds.

Of course, he already invited, but he not like to come out. :(

“Jack, he used a frown emoji. He’s sad you won’t come with,” Eric said. “Besides, I should go. They’re your friends, and I want them to like me. But if I go on my own, you know they’re going to try to get me to talk about you. Or tell their own embarrassing stories about you.”

“What makes you think they won’t do that if I’m there?” Jack said.

“If you really don’t want to, I’ll say no,” Eric said. “I wanted to spend the whole day with you.”

“Don’t do that,” Jack said. “Not if you want to go. They probably just want to get you out of my boring old man clutches.”

“But I won’t be in them if you come with,” Eric said.

“Fine,” Jack said. “I’ll go.”

“Good,” Eric said, and flashed Jack a grin. “That means we can probably leave earlier anyway, because they’ll be so surprised you turned up at all. Do you know this place, the Red Fez? What should I wear?”

“You’re fine with what you’re wearing,” Jack said. “It’s pretty casual. What time are they meeting?”

“Tater said 6,” Eric said, typing into his phone.

I’ll meet you there. Looking forward to it!

“There,” he said. “I didn’t say you were coming, just that I’d meet them there. Do want to get an Uber or drive?”

“I’ll drive,” Jack said. “I wouldn’t drink much anyway.”

“You’re sure you want to go?” Eric asked. “Tater said you usually don’t.”

“I usually just feel awkward,” Jack said. “I mean, I never have more than a beer or two, and I don’t pick up, and don’t want to just talk about hockey the whole time. But I don’t know what else to talk about with them.”

“But you don’t have a hard time talking to me,” Eric said, “and you’ve known these guys a lot longer.”

“But all they know about me is I’m a hockey robot,” Jack said.

“You’re not,” Eric insisted.

“So what should I talk about?” Jack asked.

“I don’t know,” Eric said. “Religion? Politics?”

“Now I know you’re chirping me,” Jack said.

“Well, do what you did with me,” Eric said. “Ask about what they’re interested in. People usually like to talk about themselves. And you must know some things about them.”

Jack still looked unsure.

“Anyway, I don’t really know them, so I can ask questions,” Eric said. “You can follow my lead.”

He settled back against Jack’s chest.

“Do we have time for one episode before we go?”

“I think so,” Jack said, wrapping an arm around Eric’s waist. “Look at this way: It’s history and food. So it's important.”

******************************

Jack made up his mind to have a good time.

He still wasn’t sure this was the best way to spend an evening with Eric. He was happy cooking at home, cuddling on the sofa, making it an early night and heading to bed.

He supposed going out for a meal would be fine, too, but he didn’t really want anyone -- anyone outside his team, anyway -- to notice he and Eric were together just yet. This was Providence, it would probably be fine, but. But why borrow trouble when you didn't have to?

He and Eric hadn’t discussed the situation too much. There was one conversation, a couple of days after Eric had first called Jack his boyfriend, when Jack told Eric he didn't want to come out in any sort of public way, but neither would he deny his relationship with Eric or go to any great length to hide it.

“I think my plan is just to live my life,” Jack had said. “In terms of what the tabloids care about, it's a pretty boring life. But if -- when -- they figure out that we’re dating, it will probably get rough for a while. To be honest, it will probably be tougher on you, because people can find you and approach you at the bakery.”

Eric had huffed at that. “It’s not like I try to hide the gay, Mr. Zimmermann. The only difference will be that I have a seriously gorgeous boyfriend now.”

“A boyfriend that some people think shouldn't have a boyfriend at all,” Jack had countered.

Eric had sat back on the couch, a grimace of distaste on his face. “I grew up figure skating in Georgia, Jack,” he said. “Maybe I never came out when I lived there, but I'm pretty sure lots of people made their own assumptions. It's not like I've never dealt with people who wanted to express their opinions on what I should do or be.”

“I know that,” Jack said, remembering the way Eric reacted when he realized he was being followed on a run. It had turned out fine when he recognized Jack, but he made sure Jack knew that it had been a bad idea. “But -- look, I don't want to come across like I'm a big celebrity or anything, but you're not used to having people who don't even know you harassing you. God knows I'm not trying to talk you out of this, Eric, but you need to know.”

Eric had looked serious, Jack thought, but not scared, when he straightened up and said, “I'm aware, at least in theory. I know that I don't know what I don't know” (Eric’s nose had wrinkled at his own sentence) “but I'm not going to give up because of that.”

They had avoided any public displays of affection since then -- or, well, ever, since they hadn't actually been dating before then. Now they were going out as a couple with people who knew they were a couple.

And he was going to have a good time.

The thing was, he realized a half-hour after they got there, he was having fun.

Seated at a table in the corner between Eric and Alexei, he didn't find himself called on to talk about much of anything. Instead, he listened to Eric share his own stories with the Falconers, about hockey, about baking, about growing up in the American south. For his part, Eric had Alexei and Marty talking about the foods they missed from their childhoods, which somehow turned into a more general conversation of the youth hockey systems in their respective countries.

Jack found himself contributing to that part of the talk, from the perspective of a child who was expected to be an exceptional player from the time he stepped on the ice as a minor mite.

“Didn't you ever want to be something else?” Marty asked. “I think when I was 6, I wanted to be a firefighter. Or Superman.”

Jack shrugged. “I don’t remember,” he said. “As far as I recall I just assumed I would play hockey like my dad.”

There was a moment of silence, then Marty raised his glass and said, “And look at you now. What about you, Eric? What did you want to be when you grew up?”

Eric thought for a moment.

“Well, I did have dreams of being an Olympic figure skater,” he said. “But that’s not a long-term career, and I think I knew that pretty early on. Probably always something involving food, though.”

“You skate so good?” Tater said.

Eric didn’t look like he took offense.

“Not now, of course,” he said. “It’s been, what, seven years since I competed? And to be honest, I think I was close, but maybe not close enough. Maybe I could have done it if we lived somewhere where I could have gotten more comprehensive training. Katya was a marvel, but she was just one coach, and there really weren’t the facilities or the programs I would have needed to be really world-class, and I didn’t want to move away from my family on a chance, especially since they probably would have had to take a second mortgage to pay for my training.”

Jack felt a twinge somewhere deep inside. Sure, he’d moved away from home as a teenager to pursue hockey, but there had never been any question -- not in his mind, or anyone else’s -- that he would make it. Not when he first left for the Q, anyway. Those questions came later. And he never worried about how pursuing his goal would affect his family financially.

Eric was continuing.

“But that’s when I started playing hockey, and that was great, too,” he said brightly. “I was never like y’all, but it got me a scholarship and brought me to the northeast, so it was a pretty good deal all around.”

“To play hockey so small, you must be good,” Tater said.

“He’s fast,” Jack chimed in. “I can’t beat him in a race on skates.”

That brought approving looks, and Guy said, “Maybe we should all play a little shinny, then.”

“That’d be great,” Eric said, smiling brightly. “No checking, though.”

*****************************

“Do you think they meant it?” Eric said, in the passenger seat.

“Meant what?” Jack asked.

“That they would play with me?” Eric said. “I mean, y’all are professionals.”

“I think they’d take it easy on you,” Jack said. “It’d just be for fun.”

Eric was quiet for a moment and then said, “Oh, my gosh. Do you think they’d mind if some of my Samwell teammates joined us?”

‘I doubt it,” Jack said. “But for something like that, we’d probably have to wait for the end of the season. If it’s just you, we could invite a couple of guys next time you skate at our facility.”

Eric nodded.

“Yeah, that way it’s not a big deal. But Shitty and Ransom and Holster would absolutely freak. And Dex and Nursey only came downstairs last night because they wanted to meet Tater.”

“Tater, eh?” Jack smirked at him.

“Well, they know you’re taken,” Eric said. Riding the elevator upstairs, Eric admired Jack, in the way he wanted to before they started dating.

He leaned against the wall, just looking at Jack: the deep blue eyes; the jaw line that could cut glass, with just a hint of stubble to draw the eye’ the breadth of his shoulders filling out the casual leather jacket; the way his T-shirt stretched over his muscular chest. His hockey butt -- yes, Eric had played enough hockey to know that was a thing -- was only made more obvious by his narrow waist and thick thighs.

Jack, he saw, was looking back just as frankly, and looked like he liked what he saw. Or maybe he just liked the way Eric was looking at him.

“You’re beautiful,” Eric said, then was instantly embarrassed. Good lord, couldn’t he think of anything better to say? But Jack was beautiful -- not just hot, although he was that, or even handsome, but really and truly beautiful -- and he should know that.

Jack’s cheeks pinked, only adding to the effect, and Jack smiled.

“Now look who’s talking,” he said. “Look who I get to take home.”

“Jack, I --”

“Please, Eric, stay with me tonight,” Jack said. “I know you have your own place and your own life, but one more night? You can bring your bunny if you want.”

Now Eric felt himself blush.

As the elevator doors opened, he said, “You know about Senor Bun?”

“I saw him when I went to get your clothes this morning.”

“Well, I think he can stay home for tonight,” Eric said. “Wouldn’t want to corrupt him. And yes, I’ll stay tonight if you want. But tomorrow I have to spend at least a few hours working, to get things ready for Tuesday.”

“That’s all right,” Jack said. “I have practice, and then a charity thing. But I’m not quite ready for our weekend together to end yet.”

This time, when they entered Jack’s apartment, Jack led Eric straight to the bedroom and started removing his clothes.

“Getting a bit forward, aren’t we, Mr. Zimmermann?” Eric giggled, then took advantage of Jack pausing to tug his T-shirt over his head.

“I see how it is,” Jack said, pulling Eric close so their bare torsos were pressed together and running his hands up and down Eric’s back while he kissed at his neck.

He straightened a bit to claim Eric’s mouth, then used his hands to push Eric’s trousers and underwear down at the same time. He kept kissing him while his hands cupped Eric’s bottom.

Eric groaned into Jack’s mouth while he tried to work his trousers down.

In the end, he was profoundly grateful that Senor Bun was not there to see what happened next.

************************

Jack was just slinging his jacket into his locker stall when the first chirp hit.

It was, unsurprisingly, from Tater.

“Sure, Mr. Captain Jack, go out with team once then start coming late for practice,” Tater said. “Two beers too much?”

Jack hastily checked the time on his phone, then looked around, spying a couple of empty locker stalls.

“We don’t hit the ice for another half-hour,” he said. “Guy and Marty aren’t even here yet.”

Tater ignored his protest.

“Maybe not the beer. Maybe you spend too much time tasting sweet baking -- or the baker,” Tater grinned.

“Crisse, Tater, that barely makes sense,” Jack said. “Besides being so far from from any of your business that you’d need a plane, a train and an automobile to get there.”

“Don’t think we didn’t notice you’re not saying no,” Thirdy chipped in.

“Cut it out,” Jack said. “You’re embarrassing Poots here.”

Poots, indeed, was looking at the inside of his stall like his life depended on it. Jack wasn’t sure what that was about -- did Poots have an issue with him having a boyfriend? Or did he find the sexual innuendo in general too much? Or just think the way Tater was using it was an embarrassment, which, to be fair, it was?

Well, this wasn’t the time or place to address it, Jack thought. As long as Poots didn’t make an issue of anything, Jack thought he could let it lie at least until they had a chance for a one-on-one conversation.

But the talk about Eric didn’t end when they got on the ice.

Marty took off in a sprint and said, “Is he this fast?”

Then Guy tried to beat him, and said, “No, I bet he’s this fast.”

Jack just shook his head and smiled. He’d been around hockey players to see the teasing for what it was -- really a form of affection -- and to know the best way to stop it was to ignore it until they got bored. Besides, they’d have to stop once practice really got going.

They did, but they started up again when they left the ice and Jack, Tater and Snowy got ready for their visit to Hasbro Children’s Hospital. This time it was Snowy who said to Tater, directly in front of Jack, “Do you think they’ll recognize him? I mean, it looks kind of like Jack Zimmermann, but this one is smiling.”

“Oh, come on,” Jack said. “I smile when I visit sick kids.”

“Not like that,” Snowy said. “You’ve had a dopey smile on your face all morning. Usually it looks more like you’re forcing face to do something that someone once told you was a smile for just as long as it takes for you to sign something for a kid and beat a hasty retreat.”

“Really?” Jack said. It was true that he didn’t like hospital visits -- sick kids always made him sad, and guilty for what he put his parents through -- but he hadn’t realized it was so obvious. “I’ll try to do better.”

Now Snowy looked concerned. “You do fine,” he said. “No one feels comfortable there. We’re just a distraction, eh? No worries. It’s just, happy looks good on you.”

Jack drove over on his own, meeting the other players and Jamie from PR in the office of the child life specialists.

“We’ll start with some time in a couple of playrooms,” the hospital person explained, “then visit a couple of the kids who are too sick to leave their rooms. In the play rooms, just follow the kids’ lead. Do a puzzle with them, or play a game, or draw.”

It wasn’t long before Jack found himself in a chair so small that it felt like his knees were up around his ears. Sarah, a little girl of about 5 with a big white bandage on the side of her face, was kneading pink Play-Doh in her hands.

“Wanna make something?” she said. “There’s more Play-Doh.”

So Jack opened a can of yellow dough and started rolling it out flat with a miniature rolling pin. Within minutes, they were joined by Hank, a boy a bit older than Sarah, Jack thought, and Julissa, a girl who was a bit younger.

Jack kept his hands moving as he asked about the car Hank was making and the pink cat (maybe?) that was taking shape in Sarah’s fingers.

“I making cookies,” Julissa announced.

“You can’t have cookies,” Sarah said. “Remember, you have diabetes.”

“I can so,” Julissa said.

“She can have all the Play-Doh cookies she wants,” Jack said. “And probably real ones sometimes.”

He looked down at what he was doing.

“I’m making a Play-Doh pie because I have a friend who makes the best pies, but I’m not allowed to eat very much of them.”

At the end, Jamie took a picture of the four of them, each holding up their creations. With signed releases from the kids’ parents, the picture would go on all the Falconers’ social media pages.

“Any progress starting a Twitter or Instagram account, Jack?” Jamie asked. “I can send you the pic if you want to post it.”

“Uh, not yet, but soon maybe?” Jack said. “I think Eric would help me.”

Jack wasn’t sure how to feel about the way Jamie just nodded in recognition at Eric’s name. He knew PR knew; he’d told George he had a boyfriend just in case it blew up. But it was still a little strange.

****************************

Eric took a break after checking the inventory and prepping dry ingredients for the first baking jobs of the next morning.

He was scrolling through his phone when the notification of a tweet from the Falconers popped up.

He tapped it to find an image of his boyfriend surrounded by three adorable children, all proudly holding up their Play-Doh creations. Jack’s was a pie -- cherry, going by the red filling and lattice top -- while the others were, well, something pink, a heart-shape and a car (maybe?).

He quickly responded.

OMGCheckPlease: .@PVDFalconers too cute!

That was generic enough. People would think he was talking about the kids. But he would remember to compliment Jack on his lattice later.

He had turned to work out a schedule for getting the catering orders done when his phone buzzed with a text alert.

Jamie wants to know if you’ll help me set up Twitter and Instagram accounts.

He frowned at the phone.

Jamie?

From PR, Jack explained. I told George -- the AGM -- about us, and Jamie knows about you. I hope that’s OK. if I didn’t say anything, they still would have found out

That’s fine, honey, Eric responded. It’s not my reputation that needs to be protected. i just didn’t know who Jamie was. And I understand why you had to tell mgmt. But maybe next time give me a heads up?

There was a slightly longer pause … filled with the three undulating dots meaning Jack was typing … before he got a response.

I know I should have told you, but I talked to George just before we left for the roadie and I just forgot to mention it. She recruited me years ago, and she’s more like a friend. She’s always had my back. And no one is worried that dating you will ruin my reputation -- at least, I’m not. Neither are George and Jamie. I think Jamie is hoping you’ll pull me into the 21st century. She may have stalked your social media.

Twitter was fine, Eric thought. Facebook wasn’t even interesting, and Pinterest was only for dedicated bakers.

My vlog? he typed.

Maybe, Jack responded. I liked it.

Eric groaned, then remembered he was an actual adult, with an actual job, that actually involved baking, and his parents knew he was gay, and more eyeballs on his vlog was actually a good thing.

I’m glad, he said.

An hour later, he was on the phone with Derek Nurse.

“I don’t have a lot of hours to give you, but we could use someone to help with the register and cleanup on the days I have to go to Boston, and when we have big catering orders,” he explained. “Chowder and Dex thought you might be interested, since you’ve helped out before and you kind of know how things work here.”

“You mean, ‘Bitty’s the boss and what he says goes’?” Derek asked, the smile in his voice coming through over the phone.

“Pretty much,” Eric admitted.

“Do I get free coffee?” Derek said.

“Absolutely,” Eric said. “At least, while you’re working. Otherwise at the discretion of the management.”

“Sure,” Derek said. “Sounds good.”

“You haven’t even asked about how much you’ll get paid,” Eric said.

“It’s all good,” Derek said. “When do I start?”

“I have to go to Boston Thursday, so maybe you could come in for a couple of hours on Wednesday, just to fill out paperwork and learn how to work the dishwasher? Around 10?”

“See you then,” Derek said.

“But I still haven’t told you --” Eric realized Derek had ended the call.

He was still shaking his head when he saw Jack outside the front door, about to knock.

Eric hurried to open it.

“Hi,” he said. “We’re closed today.”

“I didn’t come for baked goods,” Jack said. “I came for the baker.”

[healthnotion]

The Best Things I’ve Learned About Raising Children

By Leo Babauta

I don’t consider myself a parenting expert, but I have helped raise six kids (along with their mothers), and being a father has been one of the most rewarding things in my life.

And while I’m not a perfect father, I think I’m pretty good at it. Mostly because I absolutely love it.

Eva and I also have some slightly non-conventional parenting ideas that might be useful to parents who are always looking for new ways of thinking about things.

So I’m going to share the best things I’ve learned about raising children, not because my way is the best, but because it’s always helpful to have a discussion about parenting.

A really important note: Much of the work of parenting, if not most, was done by my kids’ moms (my wife Eva and my first two kids’ mom). I can only take a little credit.

Here are some of the best things I’ve learned:

Your main job is just to love them. We have to take care of their basic needs, of course, but parents add all kinds of extra things on top of that, and make the job really hard. Parenting is often not that complicated — OK, taking care of basic needs is a lot of work, but the basic job of parenting is to love your kids. You don’t need to shape them, to pressure them to be better, to make them do all kinds of activities to become the perfect kid. They’re pretty damn perfect already. Just love them as they are, and make sure they can feel that love.

Don’t hover — let them fall sometimes. Parents these days tend to be overprotective, to be constantly trying to make sure every need is met, and to be afraid of the smallest fall. Nah. Let them live. Let them have some independence. Let them go out and play without you. Let them fall down and scrape their knee. Let them fail at things. This is how they grow. Imagine if you sheltered kids from failure and pain and struggle their whole lives … they’d be totally unprepared for the adult world! I’m not saying you should never protect your kid, but the less you can do that, without them dying, the better. Then help them cope with the failure or pain on their own, with you helping them to understand how they can do that. Be there for them, but only to the extent that you’re helping them learn to do it on their own.

Harsh disciplinarian methods are more hurtful than helpful. When I first started parenting, I would yell and spank my kids and punish them for all their wrongdoings. It was totally hurtful, and made them afraid of me. Yes, they would do everything I told them to do, but only because they were scared to do otherwise. And often they’d just hide the things they did, so I wouldn’t know. I’ve learned to mellow out over the years, to control my temper and be more compassionate. I’m not perfect, as I said, but now I see everything as an opportunity to educate them, an opportunity for them to grow, and a chance for me to just love them. If your parents were disciplinarian, that doesn’t make it the way you need to do things.

Reading to them regularly is one of the best things I’ve ever done. I read to my kids most days. My wife and I have done that with all the kids, and it’s a wonderful way to spend time with them, to foster a love for reading that will help them for the rest of their lives, and to explore imaginative new worlds together. My kids have found a love for reading on their own that came from cuddling with me and reading Dr. Seuss and Harry Potter (a series I’ve read 4 times over with different kids) and Narnia and Arabian Nights and Don Quixote.

Let them direct their own learning. Four of my kids are unschooled, but all of them have done learning projects on their own, and I encourage them to learn about whatever they’re interested in. Many kids are so used to top-down learning (where they’re told what and when and how to learn) that they don’t know how to direct themselves. They’ll have to learn as adults. But instead, we can encourage them to learn what they’re interested in, help them with learning projects until they can do it on their own, and have them learn like adults do.

But give them fun challenges and encourage them to try new things. Self-directed learning is an incredible method, but sometimes they need inspiration. I like to encourage them to look things up, to dive deep into a topic that interests them, to learn about something they don’t know yet will interest them. I try to talk about these things in positive ways, that show how interesting I find them, and I’ve found that sometimes, that interest and curiosity are contagious. Other times, I challenge them — let’s do a drawing challenge, a pushup challenge … let’s see if we can travel a month with only a backpack each, or memorize the capitals of all the states, or as many digits of pi as we can. Let’s try to program a simple game. Kids (and adults) respond well to fun challenges.

Teach them to do things on their own, early. As soon as we could, we taught our kids to do things on their own. Tie their own shoes, brush their teeth, shower and dress themselves, make their own breakfast and lunch, wash and dry the dishes, clean the house, do their own laundry. For one thing, it made our job as parents easier, if they were helping plan meals, do the grocery shopping, and cook dinners once a week. Soon we didn’t have to do very much for them. But just as importantly, we were teaching them self-sufficiency — they don’t expect things to be done for them, and they learn that they can do anything for themselves that they want taken care of.

Let them take charge of things or participate in work when you can. Along the same lines, we try to get them to take charge of things … for example, planning a trip. They do research, look for Airbnb apartments, plan train routes, book flights. When they get to adulthood, they already know how to do these things. They also know how to take responsibility.

Try a democratic process of decision-making. When we decide where to eat out, or what we should do this weekend, we have a discussion, each contribute ideas, and take a vote. This teaches them to take part in making decisions, instead of having their lives decided for them. But it also teaches them to respect the opinions of others, and that what they want is not the only thing that matters. We do similar things when planning for a trip, deciding whether we should move to a new city, and so on.

Practice mindfulness with them. I have meditated with all my kids. Not regularly, but enough that they know what it’s all about. When my daughter comes to me upset about something, we practice mindfulness of how the emotion feels in her body. Being with the emotion. When my other daughter is feeling anxiety, we talk about how to practice with that as well. They’ve also seen me meditating in the morning, so mindfulness practice becomes a normal thing for them.

The main way you teach them is by your example. Speaking of watching me meditate … this is the main way that I teach them anything. By my example. By how I am in the world. If I want to teach them not to fight, I have to be peaceful. If I want to teach them to be good people, I have to be compassionate, considerate, loving. If I want to teach them to not be on their devices, I have to do the same. If I want them to be active, to eat healthily, to read, to meditate … then it starts with me doing it. And talking to them about what I’m doing and why and what I’m learning and how I’m doing it. They learn almost everything from what people around them do.

Don’t pretend like you know everything. That said, while I try to do my best in life, I have to humble myself and admit that I don’t know everything. In fact, I barely know anything. I can’t always think I’m right, nor can I pretend to have all the answers, even if I’m the dad. Maybe my kids know somethings I don’t. Maybe we can learn together … but it starts with me saying, “I’m not sure, let’s find out!” This mindset of not-knowing is where learning starts, the space that we can explore together, the space where we become open to each other. Many parents (and people in general) come at you with the stance that they know exactly what they’re doing, know the answers. This leaves no room for anything else. It’s fundamentalism.

Admit when you’re wrong. Apologize. Make it right. Along those lines, when I think I’m right, and insist on it … that’s often when I’m wrong. And I’ve been humbled like this so many times. What I’ve learned is … instead of continuing to pretend like I’m right, it’s so much better to admit that I’m wrong. To humble myself. Actually apologize if I’ve done anything to hurt them. And do what it takes to make it right.

Let them earn and pay for things early. And teach them about debt. In our house, we don’t have an allowance. We buy them the basics of what they need, but if they want anything beyond that, they have to pay for it themselves. And earn the money through things beyond their basic chores. They might do things for us, or work for my business, or make things or do services for others to earn money. This also teaches them to save for goals. I also talk to them about the dangers of getting into debt, the high cost of credit card debt, and some simple financial truths that I’ve learned.

Don’t shield them from sex and drugs and technology. Some parents don’t want their children to hear anything about sex or drugs, and shield them from that for as long as possible. This just makes sex (for example) a taboo subject, and gives the kids an unhealthy idea of how bad it is. I’ve found it much better to speak frankly about it, and if I were going to do it all over again, I’d start that frank talk much earlier. Sex isn’t something that should be made dirty or forbidden. It’s a natural thing that all adults do. Kids should get that sense from adults, and be helped through that confusing world by their parents rather than having to figure it out through what they hear from friends or happen upon online. I think the same is true of drugs. Another thing that some parents shield their kids from is technology — no devices ever! But that means that kids don’t learn a healthy way to deal with technology. It’s better to just help them learn to deal with all this stuff, rather than not trust them.

It’s OK to hang out without them, and let them have separate time from you. I love hanging out with my kids. But that doesn’t mean it’s healthy for them to be with me every second of the day. Sometimes, they can go play by themselves, while my wife and I have alone time. Sometimes, they can have an evening at home while we go on a date (when they’re old enough). Other times, we can drop them with a relative and go on a trip by ourselves, or with friends. I think alone time, and time away from parents, is a healthy thing for kids. Give them space. Let them learn to deal with being on their own (again, when appropriate). Give yourself space to replenish yourself, or find romance with your partner, without them.

Parenting ain’t over when they reach adulthood. I used to joke, “If I get my kids to 18 years old alive, I’ve succeeded as a parent!” Of course, that’s absolute bunk. I’ve learned that parenting is far from over once they reach adulthood. Four of our kids are adults now, and it’s a whole new challenging phase of parenting for us. We’re trying to teach them how to do adult things, how to be financially self-sufficient, how to get the dream jobs they want, how to deal with relationship stuff, and much more. I love it, but it’s not like I can just retire now.

In the end, they will be the person they are. You don’t get to decide who that is. Each kid is already a fully formed person when they’re young. They continue to grow every year, of course, but their personalities when they’re young continue to be mostly the same as they grow older. We don’t shape these kids, they are already themselves. They will choose their own paths, decide what life they want, and grow in the direction they choose. I don’t have control over any of that. In the end, that’s what we parents need to accept — we don’t really control our kids. We just try to guide them when we can. And love them for who they are.

I’m still learning. I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing. And yet, I hope some of what I’ve learned so far will help a few of you.

I love being a dad. It’s an incredible privilege, and one of the deepest joys in my life. Thank you kids. And moms.

The Best Things I’ve Learned About Raising Children published first on https://mensproblem.tumblr.com

[cedarrrun]

By Leo Babauta

I don’t consider myself a parenting expert, but I have helped raise six kids (along with their mothers), and being a father has been one of the most rewarding things in my life.

And while I’m not a perfect father, I think I’m pretty good at it. Mostly because I absolutely love it.

Eva and I also have some slightly non-conventional parenting ideas that might be useful to parents who are always looking for new ways of thinking about things.

So I’m going to share the best things I’ve learned about raising children, not because my way is the best, but because it’s always helpful to have a discussion about parenting.

A really important note: Much of the work of parenting, if not most, was done by my kids’ moms (my wife Eva and my first two kids’ mom). I can only take a little credit.

Here are some of the best things I’ve learned:

Your main job is just to love them. We have to take care of their basic needs, of course, but parents add all kinds of extra things on top of that, and make the job really hard. Parenting is often not that complicated — OK, taking care of basic needs is a lot of work, but the basic job of parenting is to love your kids. You don’t need to shape them, to pressure them to be better, to make them do all kinds of activities to become the perfect kid. They’re pretty damn perfect already. Just love them as they are, and make sure they can feel that love.

Don’t hover — let them fall sometimes. Parents these days tend to be overprotective, to be constantly trying to make sure every need is met, and to be afraid of the smallest fall. Nah. Let them live. Let them have some independence. Let them go out and play without you. Let them fall down and scrape their knee. Let them fail at things. This is how they grow. Imagine if you sheltered kids from failure and pain and struggle their whole lives … they’d be totally unprepared for the adult world! I’m not saying you should never protect your kid, but the less you can do that, without them dying, the better. Then help them cope with the failure or pain on their own, with you helping them to understand how they can do that. Be there for them, but only to the extent that you’re helping them learn to do it on their own.

Harsh disciplinarian methods are more hurtful than helpful. When I first started parenting, I would yell and spank my kids and punish them for all their wrongdoings. It was totally hurtful, and made them afraid of me. Yes, they would do everything I told them to do, but only because they were scared to do otherwise. And often they’d just hide the things they did, so I wouldn’t know. I’ve learned to mellow out over the years, to control my temper and be more compassionate. I’m not perfect, as I said, but now I see everything as an opportunity to educate them, an opportunity for them to grow, and a chance for me to just love them. If your parents were disciplinarian, that doesn’t make it the way you need to do things.

Reading to them regularly is one of the best things I’ve ever done. I read to my kids most days. My wife and I have done that with all the kids, and it’s a wonderful way to spend time with them, to foster a love for reading that will help them for the rest of their lives, and to explore imaginative new worlds together. My kids have found a love for reading on their own that came from cuddling with me and reading Dr. Seuss and Harry Potter (a series I’ve read 4 times over with different kids) and Narnia and Arabian Nights and Don Quixote.

Let them direct their own learning. Four of my kids are unschooled, but all of them have done learning projects on their own, and I encourage them to learn about whatever they’re interested in. Many kids are so used to top-down learning (where they’re told what and when and how to learn) that they don’t know how to direct themselves. They’ll have to learn as adults. But instead, we can encourage them to learn what they’re interested in, help them with learning projects until they can do it on their own, and have them learn like adults do.

But give them fun challenges and encourage them to try new things. Self-directed learning is an incredible method, but sometimes they need inspiration. I like to encourage them to look things up, to dive deep into a topic that interests them, to learn about something they don’t know yet will interest them. I try to talk about these things in positive ways, that show how interesting I find them, and I’ve found that sometimes, that interest and curiosity are contagious. Other times, I challenge them — let’s do a drawing challenge, a pushup challenge … let’s see if we can travel a month with only a backpack each, or memorize the capitals of all the states, or as many digits of pi as we can. Let’s try to program a simple game. Kids (and adults) respond well to fun challenges.

Teach them to do things on their own, early. As soon as we could, we taught our kids to do things on their own. Tie their own shoes, brush their teeth, shower and dress themselves, make their own breakfast and lunch, wash and dry the dishes, clean the house, do their own laundry. For one thing, it made our job as parents easier, if they were helping plan meals, do the grocery shopping, and cook dinners once a week. Soon we didn’t have to do very much for them. But just as importantly, we were teaching them self-sufficiency — they don’t expect things to be done for them, and they learn that they can do anything for themselves that they want taken care of.

Let them take charge of things or participate in work when you can. Along the same lines, we try to get them to take charge of things … for example, planning a trip. They do research, look for Airbnb apartments, plan train routes, book flights. When they get to adulthood, they already know how to do these things. They also know how to take responsibility.

Try a democratic process of decision-making. When we decide where to eat out, or what we should do this weekend, we have a discussion, each contribute ideas, and take a vote. This teaches them to take part in making decisions, instead of having their lives decided for them. But it also teaches them to respect the opinions of others, and that what they want is not the only thing that matters. We do similar things when planning for a trip, deciding whether we should move to a new city, and so on.

Practice mindfulness with them. I have meditated with all my kids. Not regularly, but enough that they know what it’s all about. When my daughter comes to me upset about something, we practice mindfulness of how the emotion feels in her body. Being with the emotion. When my other daughter is feeling anxiety, we talk about how to practice with that as well. They’ve also seen me meditating in the morning, so mindfulness practice becomes a normal thing for them.

The main way you teach them is by your example. Speaking of watching me meditate … this is the main way that I teach them anything. By my example. By how I am in the world. If I want to teach them not to fight, I have to be peaceful. If I want to teach them to be good people, I have to be compassionate, considerate, loving. If I want to teach them to not be on their devices, I have to do the same. If I want them to be active, to eat healthily, to read, to meditate … then it starts with me doing it. And talking to them about what I’m doing and why and what I’m learning and how I’m doing it. They learn almost everything from what people around them do.

Don’t pretend like you know everything. That said, while I try to do my best in life, I have to humble myself and admit that I don’t know everything. In fact, I barely know anything. I can’t always think I’m right, nor can I pretend to have all the answers, even if I’m the dad. Maybe my kids know somethings I don’t. Maybe we can learn together … but it starts with me saying, “I’m not sure, let’s find out!” This mindset of not-knowing is where learning starts, the space that we can explore together, the space where we become open to each other. Many parents (and people in general) come at you with the stance that they know exactly what they’re doing, know the answers. This leaves no room for anything else. It’s fundamentalism.

Admit when you’re wrong. Apologize. Make it right. Along those lines, when I think I’m right, and insist on it … that’s often when I’m wrong. And I’ve been humbled like this so many times. What I’ve learned is … instead of continuing to pretend like I’m right, it’s so much better to admit that I’m wrong. To humble myself. Actually apologize if I’ve done anything to hurt them. And do what it takes to make it right.

Let them earn and pay for things early. And teach them about debt. In our house, we don’t have an allowance. We buy them the basics of what they need, but if they want anything beyond that, they have to pay for it themselves. And earn the money through things beyond their basic chores. They might do things for us, or work for my business, or make things or do services for others to earn money. This also teaches them to save for goals. I also talk to them about the dangers of getting into debt, the high cost of credit card debt, and some simple financial truths that I’ve learned.

Don’t shield them from sex and drugs and technology. Some parents don’t want their children to hear anything about sex or drugs, and shield them from that for as long as possible. This just makes sex (for example) a taboo subject, and gives the kids an unhealthy idea of how bad it is. I’ve found it much better to speak frankly about it, and if I were going to do it all over again, I’d start that frank talk much earlier. Sex isn’t something that should be made dirty or forbidden. It’s a natural thing that all adults do. Kids should get that sense from adults, and be helped through that confusing world by their parents rather than having to figure it out through what they hear from friends or happen upon online. I think the same is true of drugs. Another thing that some parents shield their kids from is technology — no devices ever! But that means that kids don’t learn a healthy way to deal with technology. It’s better to just help them learn to deal with all this stuff, rather than not trust them.

It’s OK to hang out without them, and let them have separate time from you. I love hanging out with my kids. But that doesn’t mean it’s healthy for them to be with me every second of the day. Sometimes, they can go play by themselves, while my wife and I have alone time. Sometimes, they can have an evening at home while we go on a date (when they’re old enough). Other times, we can drop them with a relative and go on a trip by ourselves, or with friends. I think alone time, and time away from parents, is a healthy thing for kids. Give them space. Let them learn to deal with being on their own (again, when appropriate). Give yourself space to replenish yourself, or find romance with your partner, without them.

Parenting ain’t over when they reach adulthood. I used to joke, “If I get my kids to 18 years old alive, I’ve succeeded as a parent!” Of course, that’s absolute bunk. I’ve learned that parenting is far from over once they reach adulthood. Four of our kids are adults now, and it’s a whole new challenging phase of parenting for us. We’re trying to teach them how to do adult things, how to be financially self-sufficient, how to get the dream jobs they want, how to deal with relationship stuff, and much more. I love it, but it’s not like I can just retire now.

In the end, they will be the person they are. You don’t get to decide who that is. Each kid is already a fully formed person when they’re young. They continue to grow every year, of course, but their personalities when they’re young continue to be mostly the same as they grow older. We don’t shape these kids, they are already themselves. They will choose their own paths, decide what life they want, and grow in the direction they choose. I don’t have control over any of that. In the end, that’s what we parents need to accept — we don’t really control our kids. We just try to guide them when we can. And love them for who they are.

I’m still learning. I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing. And yet, I hope some of what I’ve learned so far will help a few of you.

I love being a dad. It’s an incredible privilege, and one of the deepest joys in my life. Thank you kids. And moms.

[carltschweitzer]

The Best Things I’ve Learned About Raising Children

By Leo Babauta

I don’t consider myself a parenting expert, but I have helped raise six kids (along with their mothers), and being a father has been one of the most rewarding things in my life.

And while I’m not a perfect father, I think I’m pretty good at it. Mostly because I absolutely love it.

Eva and I also have some slightly non-conventional parenting ideas that might be useful to parents who are always looking for new ways of thinking about things.

So I’m going to share the best things I’ve learned about raising children, not because my way is the best, but because it’s always helpful to have a discussion about parenting.

A really important note: Much of the work of parenting, if not most, was done by my kids’ moms (my wife Eva and my first two kids’ mom). I can only take a little credit.

Here are some of the best things I’ve learned:

Your main job is just to love them. We have to take care of their basic needs, of course, but parents add all kinds of extra things on top of that, and make the job really hard. Parenting is often not that complicated — OK, taking care of basic needs is a lot of work, but the basic job of parenting is to love your kids. You don’t need to shape them, to pressure them to be better, to make them do all kinds of activities to become the perfect kid. They’re pretty damn perfect already. Just love them as they are, and make sure they can feel that love.

Don’t hover — let them fall sometimes. Parents these days tend to be overprotective, to be constantly trying to make sure every need is met, and to be afraid of the smallest fall. Nah. Let them live. Let them have some independence. Let them go out and play without you. Let them fall down and scrape their knee. Let them fail at things. This is how they grow. Imagine if you sheltered kids from failure and pain and struggle their whole lives … they’d be totally unprepared for the adult world! I’m not saying you should never protect your kid, but the less you can do that, without them dying, the better. Then help them cope with the failure or pain on their own, with you helping them to understand how they can do that. Be there for them, but only to the extent that you’re helping them learn to do it on their own.

Harsh disciplinarian methods are more hurtful than helpful. When I first started parenting, I would yell and spank my kids and punish them for all their wrongdoings. It was totally hurtful, and made them afraid of me. Yes, they would do everything I told them to do, but only because they were scared to do otherwise. And often they’d just hide the things they did, so I wouldn’t know. I’ve learned to mellow out over the years, to control my temper and be more compassionate. I’m not perfect, as I said, but now I see everything as an opportunity to educate them, an opportunity for them to grow, and a chance for me to just love them. If your parents were disciplinarian, that doesn’t make it the way you need to do things.

Reading to them regularly is one of the best things I’ve ever done. I read to my kids most days. My wife and I have done that with all the kids, and it’s a wonderful way to spend time with them, to foster a love for reading that will help them for the rest of their lives, and to explore imaginative new worlds together. My kids have found a love for reading on their own that came from cuddling with me and reading Dr. Seuss and Harry Potter (a series I’ve read 4 times over with different kids) and Narnia and Arabian Nights and Don Quixote.

Let them direct their own learning. Four of my kids are unschooled, but all of them have done learning projects on their own, and I encourage them to learn about whatever they’re interested in. Many kids are so used to top-down learning (where they’re told what and when and how to learn) that they don’t know how to direct themselves. They’ll have to learn as adults. But instead, we can encourage them to learn what they’re interested in, help them with learning projects until they can do it on their own, and have them learn like adults do.

But give them fun challenges and encourage them to try new things. Self-directed learning is an incredible method, but sometimes they need inspiration. I like to encourage them to look things up, to dive deep into a topic that interests them, to learn about something they don’t know yet will interest them. I try to talk about these things in positive ways, that show how interesting I find them, and I’ve found that sometimes, that interest and curiosity are contagious. Other times, I challenge them — let’s do a drawing challenge, a pushup challenge … let’s see if we can travel a month with only a backpack each, or memorize the capitals of all the states, or as many digits of pi as we can. Let’s try to program a simple game. Kids (and adults) respond well to fun challenges.

Teach them to do things on their own, early. As soon as we could, we taught our kids to do things on their own. Tie their own shoes, brush their teeth, shower and dress themselves, make their own breakfast and lunch, wash and dry the dishes, clean the house, do their own laundry. For one thing, it made our job as parents easier, if they were helping plan meals, do the grocery shopping, and cook dinners once a week. Soon we didn’t have to do very much for them. But just as importantly, we were teaching them self-sufficiency — they don’t expect things to be done for them, and they learn that they can do anything for themselves that they want taken care of.

Let them take charge of things or participate in work when you can. Along the same lines, we try to get them to take charge of things … for example, planning a trip. They do research, look for Airbnb apartments, plan train routes, book flights. When they get to adulthood, they already know how to do these things. They also know how to take responsibility.

Try a democratic process of decision-making. When we decide where to eat out, or what we should do this weekend, we have a discussion, each contribute ideas, and take a vote. This teaches them to take part in making decisions, instead of having their lives decided for them. But it also teaches them to respect the opinions of others, and that what they want is not the only thing that matters. We do similar things when planning for a trip, deciding whether we should move to a new city, and so on.

Practice mindfulness with them. I have meditated with all my kids. Not regularly, but enough that they know what it’s all about. When my daughter comes to me upset about something, we practice mindfulness of how the emotion feels in her body. Being with the emotion. When my other daughter is feeling anxiety, we talk about how to practice with that as well. They’ve also seen me meditating in the morning, so mindfulness practice becomes a normal thing for them.

The main way you teach them is by your example. Speaking of watching me meditate … this is the main way that I teach them anything. By my example. By how I am in the world. If I want to teach them not to fight, I have to be peaceful. If I want to teach them to be good people, I have to be compassionate, considerate, loving. If I want to teach them to not be on their devices, I have to do the same. If I want them to be active, to eat healthily, to read, to meditate … then it starts with me doing it. And talking to them about what I’m doing and why and what I’m learning and how I’m doing it. They learn almost everything from what people around them do.

Don’t pretend like you know everything. That said, while I try to do my best in life, I have to humble myself and admit that I don’t know everything. In fact, I barely know anything. I can’t always think I’m right, nor can I pretend to have all the answers, even if I’m the dad. Maybe my kids know somethings I don’t. Maybe we can learn together … but it starts with me saying, “I’m not sure, let’s find out!” This mindset of not-knowing is where learning starts, the space that we can explore together, the space where we become open to each other. Many parents (and people in general) come at you with the stance that they know exactly what they’re doing, know the answers. This leaves no room for anything else. It’s fundamentalism.

Admit when you’re wrong. Apologize. Make it right. Along those lines, when I think I’m right, and insist on it … that’s often when I’m wrong. And I’ve been humbled like this so many times. What I’ve learned is … instead of continuing to pretend like I’m right, it’s so much better to admit that I’m wrong. To humble myself. Actually apologize if I’ve done anything to hurt them. And do what it takes to make it right.

Let them earn and pay for things early. And teach them about debt. In our house, we don’t have an allowance. We buy them the basics of what they need, but if they want anything beyond that, they have to pay for it themselves. And earn the money through things beyond their basic chores. They might do things for us, or work for my business, or make things or do services for others to earn money. This also teaches them to save for goals. I also talk to them about the dangers of getting into debt, the high cost of credit card debt, and some simple financial truths that I’ve learned.

Don’t shield them from sex and drugs and technology. Some parents don’t want their children to hear anything about sex or drugs, and shield them from that for as long as possible. This just makes sex (for example) a taboo subject, and gives the kids an unhealthy idea of how bad it is. I’ve found it much better to speak frankly about it, and if I were going to do it all over again, I’d start that frank talk much earlier. Sex isn’t something that should be made dirty or forbidden. It’s a natural thing that all adults do. Kids should get that sense from adults, and be helped through that confusing world by their parents rather than having to figure it out through what they hear from friends or happen upon online. I think the same is true of drugs. Another thing that some parents shield their kids from is technology — no devices ever! But that means that kids don’t learn a healthy way to deal with technology. It’s better to just help them learn to deal with all this stuff, rather than not trust them.

It’s OK to hang out without them, and let them have separate time from you. I love hanging out with my kids. But that doesn’t mean it’s healthy for them to be with me every second of the day. Sometimes, they can go play by themselves, while my wife and I have alone time. Sometimes, they can have an evening at home while we go on a date (when they’re old enough). Other times, we can drop them with a relative and go on a trip by ourselves, or with friends. I think alone time, and time away from parents, is a healthy thing for kids. Give them space. Let them learn to deal with being on their own (again, when appropriate). Give yourself space to replenish yourself, or find romance with your partner, without them.

Parenting ain’t over when they reach adulthood. I used to joke, “If I get my kids to 18 years old alive, I’ve succeeded as a parent!” Of course, that’s absolute bunk. I’ve learned that parenting is far from over once they reach adulthood. Four of our kids are adults now, and it’s a whole new challenging phase of parenting for us. We’re trying to teach them how to do adult things, how to be financially self-sufficient, how to get the dream jobs they want, how to deal with relationship stuff, and much more. I love it, but it’s not like I can just retire now.

In the end, they will be the person they are. You don’t get to decide who that is. Each kid is already a fully formed person when they’re young. They continue to grow every year, of course, but their personalities when they’re young continue to be mostly the same as they grow older. We don’t shape these kids, they are already themselves. They will choose their own paths, decide what life they want, and grow in the direction they choose. I don’t have control over any of that. In the end, that’s what we parents need to accept — we don’t really control our kids. We just try to guide them when we can. And love them for who they are.

I’m still learning. I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing. And yet, I hope some of what I’ve learned so far will help a few of you.

I love being a dad. It’s an incredible privilege, and one of the deepest joys in my life. Thank you kids. And moms.

[donaldmckenzie13]

Yesterday marked the middle Sunday of my vacation. Normally, while on vacation I wouldn’t attend one of churches that I serve at However, yesterday was an exception as it marked the final service for Rev. Canon Henry Falconer, before he retires. There was an official send-off earlier this month that I wasn’t able to attend and so I went yesterday to add my farewell.

A fruit tart ready to be enjoyed as part of Father Henry’s farewell potluck.

Father Henry served at Holy Trinity for 30 years, starting as verger/caretaking, becoming a deacon, and later priest. During his time as priest Henry’s main focus was the Mission Ministry. Every Monday through Friday, the church served soup and sandwiches to 150-175 people daily. The Mission MInistry also operated a clothing room and delivered about 75 hampers each Christmas. Yesterday was not just a chance to say farewell to Henry, but also a chance for Henry to thank the many people who have over the years served God in their neighbours as part of the Mission Ministry.

Henry and I in his office just after his farewell service.

For me it was a chance to think a little bit about my time serving with Henry. It’s been 15 years since I first walked into Holy Trinity and Henry has been one of the really constants in that time. Much of my experience in learning the liturgy and taking my place as clergy was helped along by Henry. I often found myself slightly in awe at the amount of work Henry put into the Mission Ministry.

He was also a great entry into the larger community. If I mentioned that I was connected to Holy Trinity, there was a good chance that somebody at the gathering would want to know if I knew Father Henry. He has been a faithful servant of God at Holy Trinity for three decades and he will be missed now that he has entered into retirement, and into whatever adventures God has next for him.

Farewell Potluck

Of course, you can’t have a farewell service like that without having a celebratory feast afterwards. This time around Holy Trinity organized a goodbye potluck. The serving table was overflowing with food, and there was even more waiting in the kitchen, to be put out when that food started to run out. I could describe all the food we had to eat, but that would leave here until my own retirement. I’m putting a gallery below with just a small fraction of the food that was available.

  A Casserole from the farewell potluck.

A noodle salad

Muffins from the Farewell potluck dessert table

A tray of typical social food from the potluck

Veggie platter.

My contribution was a couple of quiches. I was so busy making them on the Saturday evening taht I forgot to take pictures of them. the filling for the quiche, along with the eggs and cream, was green and yellow peppers, red onion, and feta cheese, along with salt, pepper, tarragon and basil. I had more filling than I needed so I port the remainder into a loaf pan and created a crustless version. It was quite delicious.

I probably tasted a little bit of about a dozen items. That was only a small fraction of what was available, but I didn’t want to overdo my eating, because later in the afternoon I intended to hit another fall supper.

St. Michael’s Ukrainian Catholic Church Fall Supper

Being on vacation, one of the things that I really wanted to do this year was to visit some of Winnipeg’s fall suppers that occur earlier in the year. Yesterday, there were two suppers. One at St. Michael’s and ond at St. Anne’s Ukrainian Catholic Churches. I didn’t know if there was much difference between the two in terms of their menus, so I decided I would give the supper at St. Michael’s a whirl.

I had waited to the last minute to decide which one I would go to, and when I phoned after the service at Holy Trinity, I discovered that the dinner at St. Michael’s was a roling service. So all you needed to do was show up between 3 pm and 6 pm when the meal would be over. I ended up arriving just after 4 pm and was a little nervous when I got there.

The dinner is served in the basement of the parish hall. This hall seats about 250 when completely full. When I arrived, the tables were mainly full. Not only that, but the serving laine, which went along the whole of the back wall, and then curved around to side wall and all the way back to the door I entered was 50 to 70 people long. However, there was need to worry. The people serving the dinner were clearly old pros at making sure that everyone was served in speedy fashion. They also did a great job of keeping the tables clear and clean. Especially good at this were the young (6-8 yr old I’d guess) children who were helping taking trays and dishes off the table.

A full plate for my fall supper at St. Michael’s Ukrainian Catholic church

The service was not only speedy, but the food was also plentiful and tasty. There were perogies, followed by cabbage rolls, mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables, meatballs, fried chicken, sliced cucumbers, a small container of coleslaw and a slice of bread. I chose the sugary cherry drink instead of coffee.

I want in the mood for coffee and so I opted for the sugary cherry drink instead.

The meal was delicious. The highlight of most fall suppers is the desserts, and St. Michael’s was no exception. There were a variety of pies that were being put out and made sure to grab myself a slice of blueberry pie before I head back to my table.

A slice of Blueberry pie is always a good way to finish off a fall supper.

Unlike a lot of the other dinners I’ve been to there wasn’t a lot of conversation around my table. However, I noticed a priest sitting a couple of tables over from me and went and introduced myself. It turns out he’s a retired priest but he helps out in the parish. Laster in the evening I spotted Fr. Alan Wizinsky, the parish priest. I found out that he’s only a recent arrival to the Winnipeg having been on Vancouver Island before that. His ministry is split between St. Michael’s and St. Anne’s .

As I was getting ready to leave I was thinking that this was a fall supper where I hadn’t run into anybody I know, but as I stood up, I looked over at the lineup, and there was John, a parishioner from Holy Trinity. John is the guy who makes sure the doors get closed after Sunday Services and is always helping get things set up at the Parish. Like me John is also a pedestrian, so I often run into him when I’m wandering through downtown Winnipeg.

St. Michael’s puts on a very good fall supper and I highly recommend that you check out next year’s edition.

Yestereday I took in a farewell potluck for Father Henry who is retiring from Holy Trinity, and then went to the St. Michael's Ukrainian Catholic Church Fall Supper. #winnipeg Yesterday marked the middle Sunday of my vacation. Normally, while on vacation I wouldn't attend one of churches that I serve at However, yesterday was an exception as it marked the final service for Rev.

[hottytoddynews]

I remember growing up, going to the First Methodist Church of Amory, Mississippi. This was, and still is, one of the most beautiful churches anywhere. The painting of the Last Supper overhead at the top of the ceiling, over the pulpit! Below the choir with all the fine singers in matching robes and the colors in the inside were dark red, when I was growing up. But the last time I was there, they were blue. And everything in there was kept clean and fresh, like new. Fresh flowers always in front of the pulpit placed by different families. The balcony was starched across the back top of the church. The windows were stained glass, beautiful pictures and the colors so vibrant.

This would have been back in the lates 1940s to 50s. Some of the first part of the 1960s, and I’m glad my mother made sure we were up, dressed in our Sunday best and took us there, and on time, for Sunday school and then the preaching. I also do remember christenings, singings, baptizing, weddings and funerals there.

When I was little, I remember Bible school and trips to two different churches camps. There were always Easter egg hunts, and Christmas doings and singings. Christmas caroling with our Sunday school classes, for the old people and shut-ins or really anyone that wanted to hear us. They always loved our singing and always thanked us over and over. Some gave us cookies and hot chocolate, and some gave popcorn balls or whatever they had to help chase the cold away and thanked us! But we would have done it for nothing and did. We just liked doing it even if it was so cold at times. Our mothers always dressed us up with hats or scarves and gloves to keep us as warm as they could. I remember wearing blue jeans under our dresses.

I don’t know how Mother did it, but when we got home from church, she always had a wonderful Sunday meal cooked and ready. I remember sometimes she did the rolls and gravy after we got there. We had fried chicken a lot; she must have gotten up early and fried it. With English peas, creamed potatoes and corn. Other times, we had roast with the potatoes, carrots and onions all cooked together, and maybe green beans or peas on the side, always cold tea with lemon and mint in the right season that she grew in the back yard. Then we had something sweet after our meal. Cakes, pies, cobblers – all homemade.

I think Mother just knew how to time it, so it would be ready right as soon as we got home. We only lived a half a block from the church. We always looked forward to a nice Sunday meal. It was just part of Sundays. Then sometimes, we had church suppers and all the women brought whatever they cooked, the best! It was always a feast, too! Wonderful fellowship and praying to go with the good food.

Then sometimes a visiting preacher or missionary would come home with us to eat, that was always nice! I remember Doctor Huck as one of our missionaries. I learned a lot from him. He was from India, and he told us about other beliefs, in far away countries and to stay away from them, for they were NOT Christian!

When we were teens, we did go to a lot of different kinds of churches – that was one way we had of dating was to go to church with our dates. And in this way, we were exposed to a lot of different churches.

I, much later in life, changed to Baptist because I was saved in a Baptist Church in Lynchburg, Virginia. I thought that must be where I now belonged because of being saved there. Years later, when I returned to Mississippi, Mother asked me to let the kids go to the same church that I had as a child, and we now live right across the street from the east side of it, so I did and loved it, too. But, in all, I did get the main foundation and the beliefs from there, so that was good! I know I have strayed many times, but always came back, because of them.

We had some wonderful preachers that came and went from there. I loved the church and did get my believing in Jesus from there. The Sunday school teachers were great, too! They gave me a good start on things that I will never forget. And it has come back to me, many things. I will never forget all the weddings, funerals, singings and revivals. Many other things are forever in my mind, memory and heart even after all these years.

The only thing I found that I didn’t really understand was this one Sunday school teacher – bless her heart. I am sure she meant well and was trying to help us learn. She started around the room, making us read out of the Bible. This was hard for me because some of the Biblical words were hard for me to even pronounce, and I was not much of a reader at the time. I never got anything out of the class because I was too busy counting the kids around the room and then their verses, trying to see what verse would be mine. Then trying to see if I knew all of the words. I never heard what anyone read and never got a thing out of what other people read!

I think it would have been better if they just let the kids volunteer if they wanted to read. Or let the Sunday school teacher read to us. Then I could have been listening better! This is just my thinking – I could be wrong! I am NOT putting down the Church at all – just some of my thoughts.

People today need to take or at least send their children to church; there they will learn the main things from it. Then they have some kind of background and formation to go by the rest of their life.

Even with my nit picking on one thing, I LOVED that church, growing up, and would not take anything for having gone there. The people are great and I DO love them, to this day.

I must go visit one Sunday.

This Reflections story is from Mary Kidd Holt of Mantachie, Mississippi, as seen in “The Oxford So & So.”

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