#I made this for Facebook chat but it's here too I guess

[semischarmed]

River

River was a walking enigma. 

Instagram, TikTok, Facebook- hell, I even tried looking for a yearbook. Nothing. I had nothing on the guy. Like an illusion, he merely appeared, did his work diligently and then promptly vanished. In fact, his most common phrase around the office was a “Sorry, I can’t- busy.” His distance seemed to put some people off. That only made me want him more.

When Chelsea threw a quitting party, he dropped in, chatted for a few minutes and then left without saying goodbye- except to Chelsea. He wasn’t rude by any means. I’ve only ever seen the guy be polite. I personally found it quite hot. His mysteriousness brought an allure about him.

During another quitting party- a dinner for Mark this time, I tried to make conversation, asking him why he was named River. I actually asked the question in a few roundabout ways. Most I ever got was a “just what my parents named me- they thought I’d have brown hair”. I tried to pry for his hobbies, asked what he did for fun and he only responded with a “I watch baseball, go to the gym, watch TV. I guess��, before asking me about mine. The conversation was cordial, and probably a little boring, but I was captivated. This had been the closest I ever sat next to him. 

My breathing quickened, ever so slightly, as I watched his shirt struggle to contain the form within. I traced the vascularity in his hands, the craftsmanship in the sculpt of his neck, the fabric of his shirt stretching taut when he would reach to grab a napkin. There was a full plate of food in front of me but I was only salivating at one thing.

The conditions were not ideal- but what choice did I have? The guy was like a ghost. I laughed a bit at the irony. I sat right across, trying to filter the scents and the sounds of food and camaraderie to focus on him. This would take all my brain power. I steadied my breathing and sharpened my focus, as I continued to answer and ask mundane questions about some work projects we both had. I started my work, mimicking every microexpression, every slight movement. I tailored every word from my mouth- even my delivery to slowly match his. This had to be subtle, of course- I’ve found out the hard way in the past how creepy this process could look in public if done too quickly. 

River’s eyes blinked slower, like a haze was forming in his mind. I followed suit, weaving my slight impersonation in and out of our conversation. Like a pulse, I felt our movements begin to sync. Almost there. Now came the tough part, slowly drawing him out and isolating him without lo-

“C’mon, let’s all get shots- uh… River you ok bro?” Mark asked.

He shook off his daze, surprised at himself before laughing off the weirdness. 

I was pissed the rest of the night, forcing myself to hide the permanent glare I would have worn for Mark. 

As the night drew on, River left early- of course, and I continued on, staying a bit longer to wish Mark well in one final toast for the night. 

That would be the last time in a while I’d be so close to him. The following drought was unbearable. For the next few months, no one quit. No big holidays were coming up, and our office wasn’t much for parties. Instead, I had to satiate myself with glances and the occasional short conversation.

= = = = 

“Does that work for you two?” My boss asked. I nodded readily, eyeing River’s response. Another nod.

Fuck. I practically jumped when the boss said those words. A presentation. A presentation with River. A chance.

I think I deserved an Oscar for my acting in the few weeks after we were both tasked with the presentation. A wrong font here, corrupted save there, a missed chart. I “worked” tirelessly on the presentation with River, making sure to leave enough mistakes and gaps to drag the process out. 

The guy was too polite, and I knew I had to use that against him. I ran the clock, watching the days progress into weeks and his brow furrow as stress deepened. Of course, I had to play my part, acting innocent at every step. A quick “sorry” for every mistake I planted was enough to ease suspicion. I even faked a confession about roommate drama causing my decline in performance. I thanked how private he was in that moment- I lived alone. Ever the hero, River was quick to take on the responsibility- even covering for me on few occasions. I knew I had to get inside this man.

Then came the day before the big presentation.

“I- uh… okay. Maybe we can finish this at my apartment,” He stated, clearly uncomfortable. I held back a moan.

= = = =

“You can set your stuff down there”.

It was a bit boring compared to what I expected. He was definitely put together at work, so it was a bit surprising to see some mess littering his apartment. 

A few posters dotted the walls. Some basketball guy, I guess. An action movie. A generic college banner. His furniture boxy and grey, and the carpets running through the floors were in need of cleaning. Perhaps unsurprisingly, his kitchen was pristine, practically sparkling, aside from a small collection of protein powders and supplements. 

“Uh.. sorry I don’t really have any snacks.”

He sheepishly opened the near-empty fridge and offered me a choice in drink. Some kind of pre-workout beverage and water. I took the water. 

“Okay, I need to head to the gym for a bit. You still have a few slides you wanted to add, right?” A Hoodie-wearing, duffel-toting River asked. I nodded, trying not to look too eager and straining to keep my eyes from staring at his well-defined legs. 

And then, there I was. Alone in River’s apartment. Alone with River’s apartment. I ran to his dirty laundry pile. 

“Mmmphhhh” My eyes rolled back as I took the deepest inhale of my life. These were River’s boxer briefs. The same ones he had just worn. Doused in the scent of a day’s work. It was damp- guess River was a sweaty guy, though the long walk and couple flights of stairs to get to his apartment may have also been culprit. I was paralyzed in bliss, as I took in every note of his natural musk. 

It reverberated deep in my chest as I continued to circulate every ounce of River I could inside me. The underwear was practically glued to my nose and mouth before I finally relented and drew them away, gasping for air. Exquisite. 

My dick jumped at the sight of a single strand of his pubic hair, like flickering flame. A perverse smile planted itself on my face as I gingerly pulled my clothes off. I shivered as the cold, damp fabric that had just touched his bare flesh was now touching mine. I felt his hair on my flesh, now caked in his sweat. The elastic snapped around my waist as I released, a bit tight. My breaths fell shallow, ragged as I sat there basking in his cold embrace.

Next came the tank top. I mentally hit myself for not putting it on first, as it was a significantly less erotic experience. Still, as I slipped my arms through the holes that his once filled, my dick couldn’t help but twitch in approval. 

I ran to his bed, gripped his sheets, and stifled another moan with his pillow. This man had, until today, been a full on mystery to me. And now, here I was- deep in the recesses of his apartment, nestled in the indent on his bed, buried in fabric stained with traces his scent and natural grime. I was drowning in the all aspects of his daily life. It was an intimacy with River previously unheard of and practically a miracle I hadn’t cummed yet. 

The next few moments were sluggish, mind hazy and drunk in pleasure, as I wore my jacket and pants over the River clothes I had already had on me. I mentally thanked myself for wearing tighter clothing earlier today, as I felt them compress River’s undergarments tighter on my flesh. I walked back, sitting on the dining table and pretending to work.

A few minutes later, the door clicked open and a panting River waved. He no longer had a hoodie on and left nothing to imagination. I eyed the feast before me.

I fucking knew it. This kid was ripped. 

I salivated as my eyes followed every contour of the body that would soon be mine. His flesh was flush and glistening with sweat.

“M-must have been some workout,” I mumbled. I couldn’t stop myself from staring.

“Yeah, fucking kicked my ass today,” River said with a short laugh. My dick twitched. River never swore, never gave off a jockish vibe at work, but here he was, beaten tired and unable to contain his natural state behind a facade of politeness. 

My lip quivered when his post-workout scent wafted into my nose. It was divine. True to his name, River had an earthy, deep musk about him. A delayed, almost sour afternote followed, the kind that clings to the nose. It riled me up, knowing this offensive, raw blast of testosterone had been working next to me for the past two years, hidden by layers of work clothes and pleasantries. River was cleaned, masked and sanitized for corporate America. And now I had a private showing to it. I was feral. I wanted-no, needed to be piloting this hunk for myself.

My trance was broken when River dropped to his couch, laughing slightly. This wasn’t his normal laugh- it dropped all pretense and I recoiled out of reflex, thinking back to that same laugh that emanated from the football jocks back in high school. 

A lazy pair of eyes drifted up to meet me. “Sorry bro, just new a few minutes.”

I gulped. This was my chance. No need for precision, no need for focus. River was vulnerable. In any other circumstance, I’d be syncing to his movements, slowly, imperceptibly altering his as he would start following mine. Then I could pull him into my trance, lead him to a safe area as I continued the process. This was different. River served himself up on a platter for me, beaten to near immobility by his workout. No way was I gonna miss this. I stripped quickly, abandoning my original plan.

Without a word, I walked closer to him, grabbing his wrists. 

“W-what are you”. In that instant, i jumped on top of him, allowing my body to follow the contours of his.

He grunted in defiance while I began to grind in pleasure. “Ughhh! Fuck bro. I can’t! I can’t wait. I can’t wait to be River!” 

The process was quick- his drenched, energy drained flesh practically grabbed at mine, drawn by my own energy into itself. It was osmosis. I moaned as I saw the process start, and River’ meaty form encapsulate my own. His arms and legs splayed as he screamed at the intrusion. “What the fuck are you-“ He grunted in pain as he felt our two forms begin to meld. I laughed a perverted laugh, eyeing how deep I was inside him. His lack of energy had been his downfall.

I licked the inside of his head, feeling him shiver and whimper at the intrusion. I whispered venomously. “What am I doing?” I thrusted myself deeper into his muscled form, “I’m becoming River. I’m gonna wear you like a fine red suit.” I felt my facial muscles match his and pulled him into a smile he did not intend to make. “You boring prude. This body was built for sex. You’re starving this poor thing. I bet it’s backed up.” I whined in half-whispers. “Let me take you for a ride.” River moaned in horror, kicking his legs into the sofa in discomfort as his muscled back began to close over me. Possessing the ginger felt like a warm, dank hug. “You feel that?” I teased, this time his voice mimicking mine. He could no longer respond as it had become my mouthpiece. Instead, his head repeatedly slammed the sofa in resistance, forced to wear a smile that was not his own. 

I laughed, feeling our combined chest heave in deep pleasure as I jammed my fingers deep into each bicep. I drilled into each arm, relishing in feeling his muscle fibers slip past me. Power. He shook as he tried in vain to resist my fingers filling into his. Putting on those vascular hands like well-fitted gloves. “Fuck yeah bro… that’s the stuff. Dominate me. Command me. Control my every move. My nerves are itching for their owner. Put this ginger meatsuit on…” I mock in his voice. Tears welled in my eyes, as I felt him continue to slam our slowly merging head into the sofa. I purse our lips before moaning further. “Wear my clothes…” My legs wove into his, twisting and binding into one. “Wear my personality…” the bottom half of our merged face laughs, while my new eyes blink away angered tears. I felt his memories begin to flow and surround mine. His rage and desperation flowed through me. The slamming slowed, coming to a complete halt as a reborn River’s eyes blinked into a lewd, sinful glee. “Wear my life.”

I stood up, piloting my new body towards the mirror. “You’re still in there, aren’t you?” River’s outward defiance no longer showed over his perfect flesh but his mind was a raging storm. “Good.” His body lit in searing pain, sore muscle tendon and fiber forced to flex. I felt the storm calm as he was stunned. I myself winced slightly before my arousal imprinted itself through River’s face. This was my pain now. I could feel every fiber of his musculature tearing and repairing themselves. Building back stronger with the pre-workout mix he had drunken earlier. Building back with me embedded deep inside. Our leg wobbled in pain, before I slapped it back into submission, forcing it to flex. “Fuck yeah, that’s the stuff.”

I roared and patted my new chest and abs. “YEEAAAH!” Just one last piece of me was left. An intentional dessert I had left not internally bonded with River. 

I let his normally stoic face relay the erotic pleasure I felt in wearing this flesh. I then pulled a “serious” face, bringing pained biceps into a flex. “We gotta live up to our name bro… gotta let the river flow”. A greedy tongue licked the dripping sweat hanging off ginger hairs of his armpit. I wanted to savor this. The tangy, salty nectar lingered in our shared tongue before I began to make out with my new reflection. With a grunt, I slammed River’s pelvis into the mirror, groaning as my growing hard-on began to fill into his dick. At first contact, I felt our senses mingle and the cold metal of the mirror. I grunted, trying to reign in the lust. With our linked sensitivity, I could feel my original body’s dick worming itself into my soon to be River-flavored cock. I thrusted my rod up, relishing in the soothing bare metal beneath the perverse cock and cock sleeve combination.

I grabbed at my new rod with one hand, while the other greedily dragged across my new body, feeling every new muscle and crevice and damp piece of the hunk. River thrashed inside me, disgusted at feeling his own flesh violate itself. At watching this new carnal entity that wore his face and name.

“S-someone’s gonna find out. Someone will fix this” He threatened in my mind. 

“No bro… you’re the perfect host. No one at work knows a thing about you”. I cooed in his voice. “When we quit, when I take this thick ginger cock for a joy ride-“ tug “No one…” tug “No one will know.” I groaned as the last of his dick bonded to mine. We were complete. “I’m River now!” I shouted before devolving into whimpers of pleasure as I felt River’s warm seed stream out of me. 

River’s softening, sore wood was forced back into full mast as I eyed the full extent of my- now his- depravity. Not wanting to waste a drop, I smeared my new lotion onto my new flesh, caking in layers of his drying sweat with layers of drying semen. I could only hear gagging in my mind as River was forced to taste his own produce. It’s my body now anyways, why shouldn’t it reek of sex and his natural musk?

[featherandferns]

daylight - epilogue

jj maybank x fem!reader | the final part of the daylight series | read part 12 here

content warnings: mentions of sex; alcohol

word count: 1.6k.

blurb: life is pretty beautiful in Kildare but nothing comes anywhere close to the beauty of your boyfriend.

An arm loops over your shoulder. You jolt, caught by surprise, and come close to dropping your camera. Thank God for neck straps. You’re so used to the feel of JJ around you that you don’t need the smell of his cologne to identify him. 

“Hey you,” you say, smiling up at him. 

“Hey,” he replies, smiling just the same. “Pretty good turn-out, huh?”

“I know,” you beam, looking around. 

With some help from the Pogues, you’d managed to organise a fundraiser for Barry’s garage. It came following the photos you’d posted on your Instagram gaining traction in the local community. They were shared in Facebook groups and around group chats, with people rallying to help Barry’s struggling business. It seemed the garage had been a staple in Kildare County for as long as most people could remember. Kiara was more than happy to organise the bulk of the fundraiser, having done her fair share for environmental clean-ups, and Pope had managed to rally his dad to provide food, free of charge. John B and JJ did most heavy lifting: they assembled stalls and tables and seating; strung lights and bunting; hung up balloons and signs; and carried crate after crate of soft drinks and beers. 

Your eyes fall on Barry, laughing with a local who you’d seen working at the docks. It makes you smile. For once, it seems he’s at ease. 

“This is a real nice thing you did for him,” JJ gently says. 

“Well, he’s a real nice guy,” you reply. 

JJ leans down and plants a kiss to your forehead. It feels nice, having him do it in front of others: even if nobody is looking. He’s unashamed to show you off and to show his affection for you. Interlocking your fingers with his, he guides you towards Barry. 

“Let’s go say hi,” he says as he leads the way. 

As you pass a group of local teens, JJ shares a quick word, accepting a bro-hug from one, but his hand never strays from yours. Perfectly timed, the fisherman who was talking to Barry departs towards Heyward’s stall just as you and JJ arrive. Barry turns to find you both and grins. 

“You kids having fun?” he asks. 

“Yes, sir,” JJ replies. 

Barry brings his beer can to his lips slowly, making a show to glance down at your interlocked hands. “See things are going good still.”

“I guess they are,” you return with a sheepish smile. 

Since the day at the Chateau, you and JJ no longer held back. There was no need to, the fear of being too much now gone. Movie nights were a weekly staple, with half of the film ignored as the focus switched to each other’s bodies. Hang-outs with the Pogues were riddled with teasing and berating from the group from the smallest signs of P.D.A. At work, JJ distracted you, finding any excuse to approach. Drives home were lengthened by sloppy make-outs and take-out stop offs. Mimsy was used to JJ’s company despite being back in Vancouver, thanks to him lying in your bed or lounging on the couch whenever you’d facetime. She’d once remarked ‘you might not be at the wedding, but I will’ in a gentle threat to remind JJ where he stood in the hierarchy of your affections. But you knew it was tongue-and-cheek. Thanks to Mimsy, he too had been educated on the serial killers and stalkers of America. What took you by surprise was how invested JJ was in it. 

You’re happy, though. JJ made you feel held, just like you’d asked and just like you’d always wanted. 

The squeeze of JJ’s palm against yours pulls you back to the conversation. 

“You enjoying yourself, Bar?” JJ asks.

“Hell yeah,” Barry jovially replies, making you both laugh. Tipping his beer can to you in thanks, he says, “your friend Kie really knows her stuff.”

“She’s pretty great,” you hum in agreement. 

“Your old man didn’t show up, I see,” Barry says to JJ. 

“He, uh, got wrapped up in something. He’d probably just cause a scene anyway, right?” JJ lightly says. 

Since starting your official relationship with JJ, you’d spent more time at his house. You’d gotten to know his history the same way he had yours, and you knew about his absent mother and nightmarish father. He’d got himself in trouble with prescription fraud and was serving a short stint in prison. JJ hauntingly joked that it was his ‘second home’. You’d held him all that night to help him fall asleep. 

“You know how much you’ve raised so far?” you ask, diverting the topic. 

“I’m told it’s somewhere around seven grand, so far,” Barry replies. “Shit. That’s enough to fix that damn roof.”

“That’ll save you a job after the next hurricane, then,” JJ notes. Hurricane Agatha had been building gradually. Everyone was preparing for her arrival in the near future, summer now in full swing. 

“Damn straight. Look, you kids go enjoy yourself. You don’t wanna be trapped with an old dog like me,” Barry urges with a tired smile. 

You roll your eyes. “I like being trapped with an old dog like you.”

He was used to your company at the garage. Surprisingly, you’d taken to learning some handy work in mechanics. Even more surprisingly, you weren’t half bad at it. JJ had also picked up extra shifts at the garage. You don’t think Barry liked when the two of you were there together though: the amount of work that got done seriously depleted. 

“Let me get a photo of you two, at least,” you add, lifting your camera. 

JJ sighs like it’s a burden but you know how much he likes being in front of the lens. Your memory cards were saturated with photos of the blonde haired boy, as was your pinboard and Instagram. He’d claimed the polaroid photos of you and shamelessly kept them by his bed, as well as a framed photo of you and JJ from the beach that Kie had taken with your camera. It was of the two of you, wading in the low waves, the mid-day sun high in the background, casting shadows on your frames. He was splashing you and you were screaming with laughter, trying to dart out the way. The moment JJ spotted it as you flicked through your gallery after a day at work, he’d begged for you to print it. Now it stood by his bed, proudly displayed like a Van Gogh original. 

JJ settles beside Barry and hooks an arm over Barry’s broad shoulders. The two of them smile - JJ’s brighter and beaming - and you snap several shots. Barry holds out his hand for your camera. 

“Let me get one of the love birds,” he gruffly says. 

You comply with a small roll of your eyes. JJ takes his spot by your side, his arm comfortably sitting around your waist. One of his calloused hands plants firmly at the top of your hip. You lean into his hold slightly, eased in his company like a reflex, and the two of you smile at the camera, squinting through the sunlight. As you go to move away and retrieve your camera, JJ’s spinning you around and dipping his head, planting a chaste kiss to your lips. Your eyes close on reflex, smile easily, and you hear your camera shutter click. 

Later that night, after the fundraising is long over, you and JJ are lounging on his sofa. He said something the other day about being home alone and how much he disliked it, when his dad wasn’t around. It was strange to you that he felt that way given the hell his dad brought, but then you’d remembered Barry’s comments from what felt like a lifetime ago. How JJ was loyal to the bone, even when it might not be in his favour. You suppose love is never lost when perspective is earned. So, instead of questioning it, you’d decided to stay with JJ. It was nice anyway, playing house. 

Your feet are in his lap, back lent against the arm rest, and one of JJ’s hands absentmindedly rubs at the palm of your foot. His other hand nurses a bottle of beer and his eyes are trained to the grainy TV. Every now and then he laughs, engrossed in a rerun of an old episode of The Simpsons. As you flick through the photos you’d taken that day, one makes you pause. A smile creeps onto your face. It’s one Barry had taken: JJ’s head dipped as he kisses you. You hold the camera out for JJ to see. 

“JayJ,” you mumble. 

He reluctantly pulls his gaze from the TV. “Yeah?”

“Look.”

He does as you ask, eyes flitting down to the camera. Taking it from you to see it better, his smile mirrors yours. 

“Cute, right?”

JJ nods, almost bashful, and passes you back the camera. 

“Send me that,” he says, looking back to the screen.  

“Why?”

“I wanna post it,” he shrugs, as if the answer is obvious. Your giddy smile that follows makes you drive your teeth into your lower lip. Nodding, you go about transferring the photo to your phone. Placing your camera on the dusty coffee table, you shift so you can cuddle into your boyfriend’s side. He gladly makes room for you, tucking you into his body, and you steal his beer for a sip. 

“Quiet you fool, it can be yours,” Homer’s inner thoughts say.

As JJ chuckles, his body shakes against yours. You look up at him, smiling to yourself at his beauty. Eventually he catches on to your staring. Looking down at you, his eyebrows raise. 

“What’s up?”

“Nothing,” you mumble, “you’re just really fucking pretty.”

Chuckling almost soundless, JJ smiles down at you. Then he’s closing the gap, pressing his lips to yours in a kiss.

Two.

One more and - yes, perfect. 

The End

taglist:

@princessuki21 | @psyches-reid | @heybank | @avengersgirllorianna | @rrosiitas | @yourmumstoy | @jjsfavgirl | @void21 | @fictionalcomforts | @gsp420 | @redhead1180 | @wearemadeofstardust0 | @mrs-jjmaybank | @ifilwtmfc | @heybank | @lilyw1235 | @belle101200 | @maybankskiss | @lillell467 | please tell me if any tags aren't working - I've never done taglists before!

[kpopbestie96]

Looking for you - Bang Chan Cinderella story

Hi lovelies! I know I said I was on a break but I was watching Cinderella with my little cousin when I came up with this short story. So I just wanted to do a quick write, it took me like two hours. So please don't judge it, it was something fun I made because why not. If it's stupid just scroll past it. If you like it...well I hope you do❤❤

Its kind of long, so I separated it by chapters. Hope you all enjoy!

Pairing: Bang Chan x female reader

Notes: When you see italicize, bold it means they're speaking in Korean.

Warnings: cussing, multiple parts, very delusional. Please don't take any of it seriously, it's just for fun.

Chapter One:

"There was an error with your ticket, I'm sorry," your friend Sarah said with a pouty face.

"What do you mean??" You panicked as it was you and your two friends Sarah and Melissa on face time the night before going to see Stray Kids in concert. "I already took off work, we have an outfit planned together, we-."

"I know, I'm sorry," Sarah interrupted you as Melissa sat quiet on the other end. "For some reason I'm only seeing two tickets in my Ticketmaster."

"Did you try calling or emailing them??" Your head was thumping, making it hard to think properly.

"I did! And they gave me an excuse, saying they couldn't do anything." You heard her voice go high pitch, an indicator that you know she is lying as you saw Melissa put her head down. Are they seriously lying to me?? You three have been best friends for years and know every little detail about them.

You stared at your outfit that sat on the chair in front of your vanity, waiting to be worn tomorrow. We were all going to match wearing their case 143 outfits but guess that's not happening now.

"Are you okay?" Sarah asked as you were too pissed to even look at her through the phone.

"Yup..." Is all you could let out before piercing your lips tightly together, trying to hold yours tears from falling.

"We'll talk to you tomorrow..."

"K...bye." You hung up the phone and let the tears stream down, frustrated and confused. You tossed your phone away from you, couldn't stand to look at it right now.

Why didn't they want me to go? There's no way there could have been a problem with the tickets...this fucking sucks...

A ding went off, grabbing your phone to see Sarah sending your money back since you paid for your half. And we had floor seats too...this whole day is fucking ass.

You turned your body around and stared up to the ceiling, wonder what you could do. You figured if you go on to the websites, tickets will be marked up to a crazy amount. Let me see if there's a person out there selling tickets online... There's always another way.

You went on to Facebook in the Stray Kids group chat that was purposely made for the city you live in, where they were performing. You typed your question, seeing if anyone was selling tickets for tomorrow night. You even posted your question on Twitter as last resort.

A few hours go by while you tried watching TV, reading A03 stories just to past the time away when you finally heard a notification from your phone, quickly checking to see if it was someone from the group.

Gabby: Hi there! I saw your post in the Stray Kids group chat and I actually have an extra ticket if you're willing to sit with me and my friends. We can get a little loud lol

You: Hi! 🙋🏻‍♀️ That's not a problem at all! I'm ready to fan girl! I don't care where we are sitting but how much?

Gabby: so they're $589 because we're on the floor with sound check. Our friend couldn't make it because she got sick and didn't want anyone else to catch the flu. Is that something within your price range?

You: Yes! I can send you the money. But just want to make sure you're a real person. Lol 😅

Gabby: 😂 I understand! Here, we can face time that way I can tell you what time to be there and everything!

You: sounds good!

You fixed your hair a tiny bit, wiped away the tears that were left and saw her using face time through Facebook messenger.

"Hi there!" Gabby waved.

"Hi, thank you so much for reaching out! And I love your hair, you're so pretty!" You complimented her hair that was black with dark blue highlights.

"Of course! And thank you! I got it done just in time for the concert," she laughed. "Here are the tickets, since I bought them." She held up her laptop, showing them.

"Cool, what's your Venmo so I can send the money?" She told you her Venmo as you typed it in, "thanks!"

"Of course! But may I ask why your asking for tickets so late?"

You could tell she was being sincere and you didn't know why but before you knew it, you were explaining everything that happened.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry, that's fucking terrible! They're not good friends."

"Yeah...im realizing it now. It's just...they're the ones who got me into K-pop. My other friends could care less about the music."

"Well, consider us your new friends! We're going to have a fun time! I just got your money...so can't wait to see you tomorrow. Lineup to check in is at 10 and sound check is at four. I'll send you my number so you can call me when you get there. We're planning to arrive at like 9:30 since the seats on the floor are assigned."

"Okay, perfect. Sounds great! See you tomorrow morning!"

You hung up and threw your body back on to the bed with a smile on your face, couldn't believe someone so nice reached out to you. And not with any ticket...but floor seats, plus sound check! Great, I'll run into Sarah and Melissa. You rolled your eyes annoyed but knew you were going to ignore them and have the best time of your life.

You looked over at the outfit you had originally planned, making you think of something else.

You got up, threw the outfit into the hamper and searched your closet for a last minute outfit.

You found a thin yellow long sleeve shirt that your mom got you one year and have only worn once. Paired it with a washout denim short skirt that sat on your thighs and found your light brown Dr. Martens boots that made your a bit taller from the thick bottom. I'll add some jewelry in the morning and I'll be good to go. Maybe I can stop at the store in the morning to get a can of blue hairspray to match his from the music video?

You got ready for bed and quickly fell asleep, excited for tomorrow.

Next Chapter >

[danrifics]

15 years is a long time...

I've been lucky enough to be here for about 13 of those years and while I didn't get myself too involved in the phandom until 2019, outside of religiously watching phan proof when i was 16, Dan and Phil have been there on my screens since i was a teenager. Their videos quite literally raised me. I would sit and listen to the radio show every week and my friends and I would post about it on facebook, those post still haunt me to this day and make me feel incredibly old every time memories tell me how long ago it was.

I think today is really fitting for me to write a little personal essay on my journey and my feelings here, so i guess if you're interested then you can click the read more <3

I don't know if i fully have the words to describe properly what Dan and Phil and the Phandom mean to me, but i'll try. (I'm gonna do this in context of the last 5 years because that's when i've been most active and when I think they've impacted my life more than they ever did before.)

In 2019, I'd previously been in the Shadowhunters fandom, but as that show finished in May of that year I'd basically lost any form of fandom I had and I felt lost because fandoms are always a big part of my life and to suddenly feel like I didn't have one was hard so in June 2019 when Dan posted his coming out video everything suddenly clicked into place.

This was a community i'd loved from afar for many years and there was an opening for me to jump in. So I did. That was the best thing to ever happen to me. I'm not exaggerating, finding a place in this fandom changed my life for the better.

For the first time in my life I felt like I had friends online, from the first discord server i joined (TY LY Trashcans/ the phannie pack you'll always be famous) to Kris and Leo and to all the amazing mutuals I made, 2019 was really a cool time for me. Unfortunately a lot of these people have come and gone from my life but I often think back to what an impact they all had on me.

And then to my group now, the Rat Relaxation Chat (RRC!!!) without the hiatus ending I wouldn't be friends with any of you guys. See thats the thing, Dan and Phil didn't just bring themselves back into my life. They did something even better, brought the community back. The hiatus was hard, i've seen many of my mutuals just stop posting one day and never come back, it felt like every week we'd get smaller and smaller but then DAPG came back and so did a bunch of people and we even got some new faces and the community picked itself back up again.

As a result of that the RRC was born. For the first time in my life I was meeting my friends outside of discord, from WAD to TIT, Im literally gone end up having met all my best friends <3 (as well as so many mutuals)

I've loved so much over the last 5 years making gifs and memes and video edits and heartbreaking text posts. I'm so grateful for all the people who have ever follewed me, interacted with me, sent me hate messages, All the people who helped me make it possible for so many people to watch the WAD premiere, The people who help me with DGPdaily and the TIT blog.,The other amazing artists and gif makers and writers and archivists and anyone who has ever called themselves a phannie.

The Phandom is special, it's a community like no other. We really are a family, Dan and Phil really are our dads.

It's funny I stared this with full intentions of saying what Dan and Phil meant to me, but in the end it became all about the community they let us build. This is why I can't come up with enough words to tell them what they mean, because they mean the entire world to me because they created that world.

Dan and Phil are my friends, my best friends. They're my heros, the people I look up to most in the world because they make me feel safe and loved and I feel that love now more than I ever have before. Watching them grow older and gayer, watching the confidence grow over the years, watching them find themselves. Its a feeling like no other.

They deserve everything good in the world and i'm so glad to see them so happy and honest and open.

I don't know what the future holds for us but I know whatever it is is gonna be amazing and I hope I get to do this with you all for many more years to come.

15 years is a long time...

[madsworld15]

Letter to Gavin Creel

Dear Gavin,

I was in the middle of a major website project at work on Monday when I heard that you had passed away. For the first time in my life, I actually sobbed hysterically at the death of someone famous. When I say sobbed hysterically, I mean unable to focus on anything because my eyes were too wet and my chest was too tight. I hadn’t cried like this since the day my grandmother died four years ago.

You see, I don't usually get this visibly upset when people in the public sphere pass away. Sure, I was sad when people like Sondheim, Betty White, and Robin Williams died. But I've never been so upset that I couldn't function. That is just your impact on the world, for me and so many others.

The last time I saw you in person was in 2017 at the stage door of She Loves Me. Despite it having been years since then, I believe that if we’d met at a stage door or other event today, you’d still recognize me. Because that is the type of person you are. I guess were, now that you’ve passed, but I can’t find it in myself to talk of you in the past tense. It just doesn’t seem real that someone so full of life and immortal is no longer here with us, dancing through this thing called life.

You don’t know this, but I got to see you perform in my favorite musical, Into the Woods, when the tour came to Philadelphia in April of last year. It was a last-minute decision that fell on a weeknight, so I couldn’t stay late afterward to stage door. Of course, I thought to myself that I’d have plenty more opportunities to see you work your craft. Now that you’ve passed, I wish I had said “fuck it” to having to be at work the next day and stayed to chat with you.

Like so many of those who looked up to and admired you, I first discovered you when I was in HS watching Eloise at the Plaza. As a child, I had adored the Eloise books, so naturally, I was excited to see a film made about the precocious girl. Back then I had no idea who you were, just that your name was attached to the character of Bill. I adored Bill and his silly, over-the-top theatrics and became obsessed with watching the movie just for him – though Eloise was great, too.

Then, as a freshman in college, I started talking to this person from New York City through a mutual fan group on Facebook. She encouraged my very limited knowledge of musical theatre and introduced me to so many new things. One of them was a bootleg recording of Hair from 2009. The energy you exuded on stage was palpable, even from the grainy 2000s video.

At that point in my life, I was sure I would never get out of Kansas. I knew I was different and didn't fit in with the other people in my small-town Kansas community. By the time I left and moved to NY in 2013, I still wasn't sure what my identity was, but I was certain I belonged to the queer community. Upon arriving in New York, I quickly found myself immersed in the musical theatre community there.

One of the first shows I saw was The Book of Mormon. I would visit the theatre at least once a week, sometimes even twice. I didn't really have the finances to do that, but my mental health demanded comfort, and that show was where I found it. So, once or twice a week, I would play the lottery or do standing room.

By the time you moved from The Book of Mormon on the West End to Broadway, I was ready for you but also hesitant to love you because your predecessor, Nic Rouleau, had had such a profound impact on my mental health and self-worth. From the moment I met you, though, I knew I could never have any feelings other than love for you.

Sure, I already knew I loved you as a performer from the years of watching bootlegs of your performances, listening to your EPs, and loving you in Eloise. However, my connection and attachment to The Book of Mormon was so great that each time the leads switched, I had a hard time adjusting.

It was different with you, though. You immediately took me under your wing and made me know I was important to you. That first night, you forced me to hand over my phone for our photo, and you scrolled through filters until you found the one you wanted. Then you insisted we do silly faces, that serious faces weren't needed. It was as if you knew I needed comfort more than a professional stage door selfie.

Over the course of the year you were part of the Broadway company, we interacted many times. Every time you saw me, your face would light up, you'd insist on a silly photo, and then you'd ask me if I was doing okay and how work was going. You genuinely wanted to know. It was something that got me through those extremely dark days of working a job I hated but not knowing any other path I could go on.

I didn't ever tell you this, but those moments kept my suicidal thoughts during that time at bay. Knowing I could swing by the stage door at any time, whether I'd seen the show or not, and talk to you was what got me through. We never talked about anything profound or world-changing, but you asking me about my day and encouraging me to find my passion changed my whole life.

After you left Mormon, I didn't see you again until the final days of She Loves Me. I fully expected you to not remember who I was, but you did. Once again, your smile grew at the sight of me, and you made a joke while wiggling your face to emphasize the mustache on your face. I wish I'd taken more time to tell you about my life that day. To connect more with you, but I didn't.

I had no way of knowing that would be the last time I would see you perform for many years. Not long after that, my finances took a major hit, and I moved to NJ, making trips to Broadway a bit harder to accomplish. So, I wasn't able to see you in Waitress or Hello, Dolly. But, man, did I want to. I did have the chance to watch clips of you in these shows and bask in the glory of your singing voice and stage presence, even if it was from afar.

I started to understand myself more clearly and made friends who helped me find an identity that made sense to me. Then, 2020 hit, and I suffered quite a few losses in my family. I struggled to keep my head above water, but my queer friends reminded me that there were things worth living for. Through these friendships, I started to find my way out of the mess I was in and found joy in musical theatre again. I started to listening to your personal music and the cast albums of your shows. It wasn't the only music I listened to, but it helped me get through the most.

Then, Into the Woods happened. By this time, I had started to be a co-leader in a local Tri-State Queer group. We would all get together and talk about TV, Broadway, Music, and Movies. It was so rejuvenating. A group of us got tickets to see Into the Woods on Broadway, but I couldn't be part of that due to finances. However, my best friend works for Ticket Philadelphia, so he promised that I could go with him when it came to Philadelphia on tour.

And that brings us to the close of this letter. I got to see you exude that joy all over the stage one last time in Into the Woods on Tour. It was one of the best nights of my life. Your performance of Agony will live on in my memories forever. As will your performance of I Believe in The Book of Mormon.

I never got around to telling you this in person, so I will say it now: Thank you so much for all the moments in my life that your presence or your voice got me through. Your passion for life and love was always awe-inspiring, and it's what I will carry with me through the years. We all deserved to see you do so much more in the world of Broadway, musical theatre, and beyond. Life truly is unfair, but I'm grateful for what I was able to experience with you.

Rest easy, dance often, and spread your sunshine from the beyond.

Mads

[arvadthecursed]

haven't said anything about it here but. I am very deeply saddened by Liam's death.

I remember hearing "What Makes You Beautiful" for the first time and being astonished. I grew up an ugly duckling with very few friends. And here was a band telling me I didn't know I was beautiful, and that was the reason I was wonderful. It gave me a sense of hope, that maybe yeah, I couldn't see my own beauty but maybe others could.

And, as y'all know, I have auDHD. I didn't have the words to explain how I felt as a kid. I just knew that I felt wrong, like I was an alien compared to other girls. I got picked on a lot and sometimes didn't realize it til after; or sometimes, no one would talk to me because my interests were "too weird." But 1D gave me something to talk to other girls about. We talked about our favorite boys, the music, and yes, the fanfic. I know RPF is often looked down upon now but when I was 11-13, we commonly passed it around. The "kidnapped by 1D" fics were popular for a reason: escapism, which, for hormonal, emotional tweenage girls, is super important. I remember reading Dark (yes, THAT Dark) in 7th grade because the girls were passing it around in FB chats. Now, we shouldn't have been reading that particular fic at that age, of course, but we were 13, of course we were gonna read it lol. We giggled over how shocking it was and showed it to our friends bc that's what 13 yr old girls do.

I made my first real best friend because of 1D. We bonded over watching videos of the guys together, buying J14 and Tiger Beat for the posters we would meticulously put on our walls, listening to the music. We made fanpages on Facebook together where we would write imagines and post pictures of the guys. We called each other our favorite guys' nicknames and hell, my first url on Tumblr was "hayitstommo" after Louis. My first posts on this site almost 12 years ago were 1D related. That friend and I supported each other through tough times; I helped her when her mother was sick, and she comforted me when my grandma died. I won't ever forget that bond.

And I know about the allegations against Liam, absolutely. I believe Maya. I feel deeply for her in this situation as I know she's received horrible vitriol for something that was not her fault. I can't imagine what she's feeling right now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's this weird grief in me. I am sad for Liam, for his family, for Maya, for my fellow fans. But I'm also grieving that sense of community I didn't really realize I had lost til now. 1D let me connect to others and feel like a girl for the first time in my life, when, as I said before, I had felt like an alien, like I could never belong. The music made me happy. The ability to talk to girls who otherwise would've stuck their nose up at me bolstered my confidence, especially when I felt so wrong inside from undiagnosed neurodivergence.

The emotions I feel about Liam himself are complicated. I know he struggled with drug addition; I know he was an abuser. I know he was one of the guys who gave me my greatest comfort in one of the worst years of my life, when I had to move houses, my grandma died, and then I had to move states. I know he was flawed and I had put him on a pedestal as a kid because kids don't have full pictures of their idols.

I keep thinking about all this. The outpouring of love from Directioners -- even people like me, who wouldn't call themselves that now but certainly identified with the fandom was kids -- has been astounding. I think we're all feeling a very weird sense of grief right now, knowing what we know about Liam, his untimely death, and our relationship with the band and how it's changed over the years. There are fond memories I will always have that were because of 1D. But now that I'm older, I have a more nuanced perspective, and that gives me this weird grief in my chest that hasn't gone away since I heard the news.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I hope this kind of conveys how I feel.

[prismsoup]

OH also i saw in a sketch two other iterators that are in the same local group as TLSPTS, i think it was Structuration of structures and Fractures amongst others?

What do they do in the story (if they have an impact)? I assume they don't like Spears that much x] grumpy robot

Ooh yes ! I haven't drawn these two in a while

Structuration of Structures is also a First Mass Construction Wave ( gen 1) iterator, their construction was finalized a bit before spears' own (probably the equivalent of months or a year or two before his own construction was finalized). It shouldn't be that important since their age difference is negligible but it's often a point of conflict they bring up because Structuration "technically" is his senior (in the sense of being older) (they refer to their actual group senior as Administrator) and they do love to remind spears of that whenever they're in the middle of a debate.

Speaking of debates, these two do that quite often. Their respective Houses don't exactly get along but it's reflected quite more through them, especially since spears' aggressive behavior was something that was heavily encouraged by his Creators. Beyond yelling about how their theories and works and ideas are better, as the two oldest members of their group (after Fracture Amongst Others), they're also constantly bickering about who should be the actual Administrator of the group. If they could, they'd get each other dismantled.

Fracture Amongst Others is the group Administrator, she's the oldest of the bunch since she's a model from the Prototype era (gen 0). She still struggles with handling the more recent communication systems so Structuration helps her with that (and does try to use that as a point for them to be made the new Administrator, or at least take the role "unofficially"). She doesn't really like conflict so she tends to simply avoid it until it's way too urgent or problematic. If you need a general vibe, just think "facebook grandma" I guess. She would send these over-edited sparkling gifs with "BLESSED MONDAY" or "GOOD MORNING" written in fancy fonts in chats if she wasnt too busy with- whatever it is she's doing, no one really knows, she's generally not very active in the comm lines of her group. She's kind, but simply not very helpful as she seems clueless about anything that's happening most of the time. She doesn't dislike Structuration or spears, but they do give her the equivalent of headaches quite often.

There are other group members but I just- never really got the time to ever create them I guess ? Besides one other guy, Calls from the Past, who tried to run simulations within simulations to find out what happened to Sliver of Straw and got trapped in them, only to emerge thinking they were SOS but stuck in someone else's body.

here's a doodle of FAO btw

she has that permanent TBH stare it's not visible here but her puppet has a bulkier build because it's basically a metallic shell full of organic components a proper fully organic puppet (or one that has a better harmony between both organic and mechanical components, and isnt just basically meat stuffed in a can) probably wasnt exactly easy or viable yet at the time of her construction

[heldbytreesblog]

Hello friend,

Welcome to the Held By Trees Tumblr blog. It’s good to be here and I’m glad you’re here too.

My name is David Joseph and nearly five years ago I sat down at my laptop, bashed in some drums patterns on my midi-keyboard, plugged in my telecaster and wrote four pieces of music over a couple of days, deep into the first lockdown. I had no idea that those pieces of music would change my life and set me off on such an amazingly fulfilling adventure. However, I did have a very good feeling that I was making the best music I had made to that point.

Those pieces of music were called ‘In the Trees’, ‘Rain After Sun’, ‘Mysterium’ and ‘Vexed’. I know I was leaning into my fascination with Talk Talk’s later work, in particular the albums Spirit of Eden, Laughing Stock and Mark Hollis, Talk Talk’s leader, his self-titled album from 1998.

I couldn’t have guessed that just a few months later I would be working with several of his former collaborators.

The start point for this story, as with much of my music, goes back to a musician called Graham Coxon. Back in the 90s, I was a teenager and blur became my favourite band. I had grown up listening to my parents record collection; Dire Straits, Genesis, Sky, Chris Rea, Elton John, Eric Clapton, The Waterboys. I had a deep love of that melodic, classic rock, but Britpop and the guitar bands of the 90s was my own era - the guitar-based soundtrack to my adolescence.

I was inspired by Graham and Blur to learn guitar, form bands and avidly study the music that inspired them. After being in several bands in my teens and 20s, I reached a point where I could afford to buy a guitar from a guitar maker by the name of Thomas Gray, who built one for Graham. He also built one for the brilliant Tim Renwick, who I had become familiar with for his work with Pink Floyd, another band I fell in love with as a teenager. In 2017, Thom launched his guitars at Anderton’s Music in Guildford and invited me along. It was there I would collect the guitar I was purchasing from him. It was also there that I got to hang out with Graham Coxon and Tim Renwick, who were there to support Thom and show off his guitars.

I got to chat with Tim Renwick and we became friends on Facebook. Around that time I was developing some instrumental music - piano-led ambient stuff. I had an idea that I showed Tim and he kindly agreed to play on it. We released ‘Dawn Returning’ in 2020.

When I had my aforementioned four new compositions ready, I showed them to Tim and asked if he liked the Talk Talk work I was inspired by. He was honest and said that it wasn’t really his jam, but that his friend Phill Brown had made those albums. Tim introduced me to Phill and I summoned the courage to show him the demos. Phill was immediately very encouraging to me and recommended I show them to drummer/percussionist Martin Ditcham, who had played on those albums I so love by Talk Talk and Mark Hollis. I was absolutely thrilled when Martin said he’d be up for playing on them should I want to develop them in the studio.

Having connected with Phill and Martin, it was then I realised I was one degree of separation from guitarist extraordinaire, Robbie McIntosh. I had bumped into him once in a music shop near where I live and asked him all about the Talk Talk/Hollis sessions. Robbie lives in Dorset, as do I and we have mutual friends. I again summoned the courage to show him the demos and see if he’d be up for developing them with me and Martin. With his agreement now in the bag, I decided to try and find as many Talk Talk/Hollis collaborators as I could and see if they would gather around these pieces of music. I also began to write more and these further compositions would join most of the first four and become the debut Held By Trees album, Solace.

Around this time, I had shown the demos to my friend James Lewis, one of the only people I knew that had the same affinity with the later Talk Talk work as I did. He was immensely encouraging as well, and suggested I connect with the Talk Talk & Mark Hollis Facebook group. It was there I began to find that there would be an interested group of people around the world who might enjoy new music made in the spirit of, and with a very similar approach, to those Talk Talk/Hollis records we all adore.

Throughout 2020 and 2021 I worked with Martin, Robbie, bassist Simon Edwards, pianist Laurence Pendrous, flute/clarinet/sax maestro Andy Panayi and Phill on what became Solace. I also asked Tim Renwick to play and he kindly contributed to the album, as did Dire Straits founding member, David Knopfler. I managed to recruit one of my all-time heroes, Eric Bibb to contribute guitar, and Blur’s fifth member, Mike Smith. Add to these great names the incredible talent of Gary Alesbrook on trumpet, Ben Taylor on double bass and friends of mine like the Apperley string section, Grant Howard on keyboards and Chris Mears on bowed guitar, and you have the cast of musicians that forms Solace.

Phill Brown agreed to mix the album, and in November 2021 we hunkered down at Echo Zoo in Eastbourne and mixed on a trident desk that Tony Visconti used to make David Bowie’s Scary Monsters album!

Two more TT/Hollis veterans completed the picture, with Denis Blackham handling the mastering of the album, and legendary illustrator James Marsh giving us a beautiful logo for the project.

The one that got away is actually Graham Coxon himself. I sent him the demos via his management and he responded very positively. We even had a zoom call to plan a recording session but for a number of personal reasons on his end, sadly it never worked out.

By now I had talked with my friend Bill Brightley at length about the project and he felt he could show the album to some of his friends. Bill is from the retail and distribution side of the music industry. He had previously managed Virgin Megastores in central London and knows a lot of people in distribution all over the world. He took on the project, by now christened as Held By Trees, and began to introduce it to his contacts. Before long we had offers for distributing the album worldwide.

In late 2021 I began to share some of the tracks by putting them up on streaming platforms and doing short runs of CDs. These flew out from our bandcamp site and word started to spread online about the project. Social media was a hugely helpful tool in reaching people who might be interested. Thanks to the TT/Hollis connection, we had something of a story by which the music press might be interested.

By the time we announced Solace was coming, we had the foundations of a following and articles in several established music magazines, like Classic Pop and Record Collector helped boost our profile.

All the while, I began to prepare for how to present Held By Trees as a live act. Early in 2022 I convened four of us who had worked on the album, Robbie, Laurence, Andy and myself, alongside my close friend James Grant on bass and Robbie’s old mate Paul Beavis on drums. Our first rehearsal in London in January of ‘22 was a huge success and I came away convinced that we could present most of Solace in a live setting.

Solace was released in April 2022. I had taken an educated risk on a business loan to press the album on vinyl and a run of CDs. With Nova distributing internationally and a great set up for PR, we were all delighted when the album hit the official indie charts at number 4, and made the physical sales chart as well, at number 22. It seemed my transparent approach to paying respectful homage to Mark Hollis had won over enough people to shift a fair amount of CDs and vinyl. Bill’s friends at Merlin Moosik pulled a blinder by packing and shipping hundreds and hundreds of preorders sold through our online shop. It was such a thrill to walk into HMV in my hometown and see our album in the racks. Later that day we celebrated with a launch party at a private members club in Soho, which Peter Moon, one of our collaborators is a member of.

Press coverage continued with wonderful reviews in Mojo, Classic Rock Italy, Oor in Holland, Empire in Germany, Prog, and Classic Pop among many others. We had sales throughout Europe, America, Canada and orders from around the world. BBC 6 Music had played us - including Guy Garvey from Elbow on his popular Sunday show, also Radio 3 and Soho Radio had played us too. I was in dreamland! So many of my ambitions in music had been let go in my mid 30s. I never thought I would do anything that would connect with people in these ways!

Bill had taken my little project and turned it into a global indie success story. The Talk Talk and Hollis fanbase rallied around the release and celebrated the way that so many contributors to those albums had come together around new music. We even managed to partner with Play It Green, meaning we used album proceeds to plant hundreds of trees in Madagascar, offsetting the carbon created in making the album and then some. Another of Bill’s genius ideas!

We played our first live gig in the autumn of 2022 at The Half Moon in Putney to a full room. To my great surprise and joy, Charlie Hollis - Mark’s son - had bought a ticket for himself and a friend and come along. Laurence, who used to teach the young Charlie piano, had seen him after the show. He introduced us and I was blown away that our project had managed to connect with Mark’s own family.

Solace continues to reach new people and I am forever so grateful to Tim Renwick, Phill Brown, Martin Ditcham, James Lewis and the Talk Talk & Mark Hollis Facebook group for being such early encouragement to me with the demos. I am forever thankful to Bill for his Herculean efforts to get this music out to people.

More of our story in my next blog, where we are welcomed to the Real World and meet an angel called Gabriel.

Thanks for reading,

David 🌲🌳🌲🌳

[m--rtyr]

I like explaining/chatting American politics with you and here is something I am weirdly excited for, in a rather fucked up way - The martyrfication of Luigi Mangione

As someone who has known their fair share of criminals, there is absolutely one thing I know for certain, Luigi wanted to get caught. He was hiding nothing, and every single thing he had done was intentional to the point that even taking a glance at his Facebook, you can infer. Everything was a message to the very last detail. The dude wanted to get caught so that his death (Cause there is no other option in the American court system) send the ultimate message. Us vs the 1%, the biggest murderers our nation knows.

And I believe it will work, because from information gathered about the man, he is a centrist politics wise. Every single American can relate to his politics to a point and its fascinating. He is Italian, something that used to be a discriminated against minority in America, and he grew up somewhat wealthy while not being too rich. Young but not too young to be gen-z, he is the exact middle of almost every large American talking point or at least related to it

A lot of class consciousness has started because of him, but I am excited to see what will happen if/when he dies or is sentenced to life. Cause prison in America is a death sentence regardless. It's going to be morbidly fascinating.

Y’know what, I’ve been thinking the same thing.

No matter what happens to him, death, freedom, etc, he will remain a symbol of the cruelty of the upper class, especially with how he’s been treated (The picture of him in his cell, the video of him being thrown against a wall, making him do a perp walk oddly without a bullet proof vest (if you’re not aware high-profile perps ALWAYS wear a bulletproof vest for perp walks))

There is no way to win. The government can only put a smear campaign against him but that isn’t working: calling him a terrorist does nothing but draw more attention to him and his cause. And sparks a lot of ‘I guess we got the answer to the question: are Italians white?’ Jokes which continue to push the case more and more mainstream.

I will stand by that the only way they could calm this down is to keep quiet about the case but they won’t, because it’s already in the public eye and keeping people in the dark will raise questions.

They shouldn’t have even announced his arrest. Because now they’ve put a face to the movement, and, as you say, made a martyr out of him.

[aerithsage]

Moving to Subscriptions: Patreon & Inkitt

Hi everyone!

Yes, I am back. Thank you so much for the warm welcome!

Over the years since I stopped writing, I've never truly stayed away from this world. I still read books, sometimes I wrote the stories in my head and kept them on drafts. Also, I was a ghostwriter for several published books (I cannot say what, sorry!).

Other than those things listed above, I also created a new account on Wattpad and finished an entire book.

The community was chill and nice when I finished that book which made me think maybe the toxic readers from before have truly grown up so I went back to my AerithSage account and started writing again.

And I am 100% back! The love for writing is also back. If there's anything that changed, it's that I monitor the comments section more thoroughly now. I click on every single notification and make sure I don't give the trolls an opportunity.

This time around, I went back with a plan.

For so long, I've kept my completed works free. This time around, I'm trying out subscriptions. I don't really like the coin-based ones as I feel this is more expensive. The subscriptions like Patreon and Inkitt work well because people can subscribe and binge-read.

So here goes:

While I was still debating which platform to choose, and at the same time, setting both up to test out features, 3 people subscribed (2 on Inkitt and 1 on Patreon) and I guess I have to do both this time.

So dear readers, I leave it up to you where you want to subscribe! You can go choose between Inkitt and Patreon.

I understand Inkitt is better for readers in terms of the actual reading interface but Patreon has more features like the polls, ability to upload images, podcasts, and the chapters have graphics!

Here's a sample of how a chapter looks like on Patreon:

Pretty, right? Too bad the reading experience is not as good yet as Inkitt or Wattpad.

THE TIERS:

The Billionaires ($2.99)

This gives you access to all my previously completed works. If you want to just binge-read this is for you!

The Immortals ($4.99)

This gives you access to all my previously COMPLETED and early access to all ONGOING works.

I will still post chapters on Wattpad for Ongoing Books but there will be more advanced chapters on Inkitt / Patreon.

OTHER STUFF:

If you subscribe on Patreon, there's also other features like Polls, Chats, etc. One way I was thinking of using polls is to put on a vote which book gets updated along with my main book.

For example: Right now, my main goal is to finish How to be a Queen so that's my main book. I'll open a poll on which book my subscribers also want to be updated aside from How to be a Queen.

Let's say How to Defy Fate won. I will also then post 1 chapter for How to Defy Fate.

Let me know what you think about this system and if it sounds interesting! I think I can put polls up every 1-2 weeks depending on workload.

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Anyway, thank you everyone for reading!

I hope you can support my writing by subscribing. I researched this pretty heavily and I think this is the cheapest option for my subscribers rather than me going by coins which always end up being more expensive.

Also, if you can't subscribe, that is totally fine! As I said previously, ongoing works will still be cross-posted to Wattpad just on a delayed schedule.

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Love lots,

AerithSage

[firespirited]

Ladies, gentlemen and enbans,

Meet my beautiful new second hand cane!

I've been procrastinating about buying one for a while with various foldable or footed ones in wishlists and today... there it was. and while I can't use it much due to the shoulder pain, it's already helped me stand in place longer than possible without it.

Sis saw a Facebook post about an indoor garage sale for today, within my walking abilities *but* up the hill (we live on one side of a three side "bowl" of foothills so technically everything is pretty much up or down but this hill is like 12 degree incline in parts)

I said I'd consider this adventure if we could do a trial run. So we made the trek with the dogs. Lily remembered that she could run, a huge yellow lab gave her a massive rock she was carrying in her mouth, there were acorns everywhere and a nice lil bridge at sitting height for us to stop and rest.

So today, we set out in the rain, minus dogs, to the unknown just a house with stuff for sale : would it be stuff left from a move, a death, just decluttering, expensive fancy stuff, kids stuff?

We arrived early (turns out dogs sniffing around takes up an extra ten minutes) and watched as half a dozen cars pulled up, which is wild. People are never early round here! guess the antiquing folks like to be there as soon as the doors open.

Two middle aged ladies ushered us all into their yard and then into the teeny tiny house to three rooms divided by a staircase, none of it seemed to follow geometry. Two daughters selling their mother's various collections to make space: mugs, books, vinyls, paintings, cat sculptures, silverware and lots of fabric findings. She had been a seamstress. There were tins filled with buttons, I would have bought some but knew I had to carry it home.

One seemed a little panicked after running around setting things down in the yard so I helped with a frame and asked how she was doing with all this and we chit chatted for a while. From what I understand at least one of the daughters is living there on a higher floor, the cats don't need rehoming and one had to be forcibly removed from a comfy nest in the fabric stash just before everyone arrived. 😁 They're doing ok but the clutter was overwhelming and they hoped some of it might sell and be taken away, simply, without third parties or listings. Quite a few of the furniture pieces got claims within the 45 minutes we were there so I think they'll be fine.

I saw the cane in a set of three at the entry to the yard within 20 seconds and I knew it was the one, it carried me through the rest of the visit in any case. Didn't ask about other medical equipment (Medical buyback doesn't give you much and buying from the medical shops is expensive so it's advantageous to all parties. I got my wheelchair for double the buyback from a dude who didn't need it anymore and it was less than a third of the price). But I get the impression she was fairly able bodied with maybe a little help walking only.

There was no sewing machine in sight so either it's gone to the daughters or it was sold for a lot more than today's low priced bits and bobs. I was kinda hoping I might get to witness an antique Singer in the footpedal desk or the square looking 70s Singer in the case when I heard the word seamstress - granny used to have both when I was little.

Clothes, shoes and grooming items were all missing too. The ladies might not be at the point where they feel ready for that yet. Maybe they needed the clutter 'space' to be able to do a more personal sort out.

So quite the adventure. I didn't get the "shop overload" because the lights and sound were normal, items were in boxes with the price per item or to ask (understood to be under 10€) no confusing pricing between washing liquids per wash, per litre, per kilo and special offer (aka what's the catch). It was cramped but no people megastress either so that was manageable.

I did start thinking about what we leave behind on the way home. Did chat a little with sis about our most prized treasures and how they're imbued with value that no one else would know about by just looking at them. We both felt a little gloomy over that so switched to talking about the types of person we'd seen.

[mechanicalbride16]

Day 3: Favorite Single

Sorry if I'm late for a few days on this one HAHAHAHAHAHA school just got in the way again grrrrrrrrr... btw, I just edited this because I confused the "single" with the "music video". So as for my favorite single, it would be Angst.

I'm not a fan of this music video because I don't like how it was edited. But one thing that I loved about Angst that makes it remarkable for me is the imagery and ofc, its storyline.

Watching the music video and reading the translated lyrics made me smile because finally, there's a Rammstein song that I can relate to HAHAHAHAHAHA

if you ever wanna continue reading, here's a reminder that this is a very long post and it mostly contains politics.

3 months before the release of the music video was our presidential election. In case you didn't know, Ferdinand "Bongbong" Marcos Jr. was our current president. He was the son of our former dictator Ferdinand Marcos Sr. Thanks to the machinery and the historical distortion that was created by his family, he won the election.

Decades after EDSA Revolution, the Marcoses were already plotting and making advances on how they will change the image of their family. Little by little, each one in their clan is starting to gain a seat in the government until they start ruling Ilocos Norte again.

The historical distortion became prevalent in the last 2016 election. People were starting to paint Ferdinand Marcos as a hero who uses dictatorship to protect the country from insurgents and to instill discipline in the Filipinos. There was also false information spreading around on Facebook during those times about Marcos's alleged credentials. A lot of shit was going around during those times that helped the popularity of Bongbong Marcos to rise. Because of the disinformation, many people looked up to him, hoping that he was as "intelligent" as his father.

Just like how it was portrayed in the music video, the cheerleaders reminded me of the admins on those Facebook pages who were posting false information to lift up the Marcoses. Fast forward to now, some of their critics became their supporters and many people voted for him to be our president. I know that there's machinery involved there, but I can't deny the fact that he has lots of supporters.

During the recent election period, people were too busy scrolling on their social media, reading the posts about the presidential candidates. They were too absorbed with the content they were watching and reading, to the point that they believed everything that is posted there. That is why I literally face-palmed myself at the part in the music video where the band is facing the monitor screen because it reminded me of what happened during the campaign period.

While some people need to be held accountable for not being responsible enough in checking the information they're consuming, we can't blame those who are too tired from their responsibilities in real life to even fact-check the information they're reading.

So what was the aftermath of that election?? Well, a few weeks after Marcos was elected, my classmates and I were paranoid about our safety that's why we decided to create a group chat in Telegram for a while. When our fear and paranoia subsides, we transferred back to Messenger again.

I was hoping that it will be the last time I'll experience that kind of paranoia. But just a few weeks ago, some people from a certain university suspected that there were intelligence officers disguised as civilians who were roaming around the campus. I don't know what their reasons are, but the only reason that I could think of as of now is that they're searching for people who are activists and members of NatDem organizations.

I guess I gotta thank my meds for helping me not to be anxious about the political issues, and I honestly think that I'm already numb from all the shits happening here.

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, JULY 31, 2019 I was telling Tom about my visit with Dixie the other day and how it was a weird coincidence that someone with her name on Facebook was suggested to me right after meeting her. He said I probably mentioned her in a blog and that’s why, and then I remembered Aly mentioning something about algorithms. So I just have to blog about someone I can’t find on Facebook and maybe they’ll be suggested to me instead? I kinda like that idea!

There’s only one Dixie T on Facebook and the only thing I could find on her is that she’s younger than I thought…81. I really thought she was in the late 80s to early 90s. First I thought she was younger till she mentioned Diane’s age.

Pretty sure she doesn’t have any kids of her own from what I can see and that she would have mentioned them if she did. I’m guessing she was married at one point since she refers to Diane as a stepdaughter.

Dixie replied to my emails. I ended up sending two because in the second one, I told her I was unable to text her because the number she gave me is a landline.

She writes well. She said she had a difficult day and expected to have a rough time with Diane this evening because she hasn’t been wanting to take showers lately. She thinks it might be because the support bars are in a different place. Also, Diane has an obsession with bubbles every now and then and Dixie has to watch her so that she washes herself instead of plays.

LOL, I can see why she wouldn’t want to leave her alone for long, especially at night. That must be quite a handful for Dixie to manage since she can barely walk. It just seems like an enormous responsibility!

She said she enjoyed my company and our chats and that if I see her on her patio when I’m out walking, do stop by.

She said she would purchase one of my books this afternoon, but if she did, it’s not showing on my sales report. So if anyone’s been buying my books, either sales take time to show up or Kobo is ripping me off worse than Amazon.

My giant wind chime is too annoying even for me so I took it down. It was like a fucking gong going off out there. Wouldn’t be surprised if some of the neighbors could hear it as well. I’ll hang onto it and see where we end up. If we’re going to have a piece of land somewhere where I can hang it further from the house, I may take it. If not, I’ll hang it back out there before we go and let the next people decide what they want to do with it. Or maybe Dixie would like it.

Right after 8:30, I decided it was a good time to go out walking and then I saw a skunk across the street. I came back in and then I said, “I’m not letting these bastards control me.” So back out I went and I didn’t see any more skunks. There were still some people and traffic out which made me feel a little more comfortable as far as the skunks went. I know they don’t chase people but I don’t want to accidentally get too close to one when it’s harder to see at night and they could be in the shadowy sections of the park.

Ended up walking for about 25 minutes. I didn’t see Dixie on her patio on the way back but that’s okay. We don’t need to chat every single day and she knows I’m not overly sociable to begin with, even though she says I’ve been the friendliest in the 10 months she’s been here whereas most people just wave and say hello and that’s it.

I decided that my book Digital Confessions is too stupid for publication so I’m going through Forget It now.

Can’t remember much in the way of dreams other than proudly telling someone about my new Labrador.

Aly and Cam almost make me seem like I hardly have any appointments. Never have I known people in their 30s to have so many appointments, urgent care trips, ER trips, and hospital stays! Cam had numbness and tingling in his lower back and hips, collapsed at work, and Aly’s last message was that he was at the ER and may be admitted. Damn!

I’m starting to wonder if Aly really is still reading my journals that I email her, so I’m thinking I might do a little test and send her one asking which sentence sounds better for a story I’m editing or something like that and see if she replies.

MONDAY, JULY 29, 2019 Although it was 15 degrees cooler today, I only walked for a half-hour instead of an hour because even at 8:30 it was still kind of warm.

As I was coming up Astro, there was still enough light to see Dixie sitting on her patio. We ended up talking for a half-hour. She tells me I’m the only one who has been nice to her and even though I’ve known others here for longer, she’s the first person I consider an actual friend of sorts here. Not an Aly kind of friend but a friend nonetheless since she’s just different than Bob, Virginia and the Twenties and people like that.

Not sure she’s all there but she’s harmless. She does get contradictory and seems to be forgetful at times but hey, she’s got to be well in her 80s. First she said she loved Ray and Nora whom she got the place from. Ray was the grumpy old man I didn’t like and tonight she said nobody liked him. Well, Jon did.

She told me a little about her stepdaughter Diane and yes, she’s mentally challenged but an amazing survivor from what she told me. Her parents took off to Alaska and dumped her in a state hospital where she grew up for 25 years. I thought my childhood was bad! Diane is 72. That loud obnoxious Pride bus takes her to recreational activities.

Dixie said some Mexican woman who watches her at times is too busy with too many jobs and she wanted to know if I would be willing to take over and I actually wouldn’t mind except for my sleep disorder which I explained to her and she seemed to accept it without judgment. She even seemed to understand too, LOL. She said something about going somewhere at night in September and not wanting to leave Diane alone. I told her that if she calls me and I’m up and available and not doing anything else at the moment, I would be happy to help out but couldn’t make plans in advance.

She hates Trump too and is sure that he, Putin and Kim are going to take over the world as evil dictators but I assured her I have a very strong feeling Trump will not be re-elected.

Here’s something weird. I asked if her last name was T and she said yes. I told her that after we first met, a Dixie T appeared on my People You May Know section of Facebook and that person has no profile picture and only one friend in Loomis. She swears it’s not her and that she’s not even on Facebook because she doesn’t ever want to get caught up in social media or anything like that. Says there’s no way it could be Diane either. So even though she’s either denying it, has multiple personalities, is incredibly forgetful, or has a very strange impersonator, I like her. There’s just something that makes her likable even though she doesn’t shut up and may not be very bright or 100% with it.

They lived in some nearby condo for 30 years and she injured her leg and can’t walk well, so she was hoping coming here would make it better but it didn’t. She has to use one of those sit-down carts that you drive when going to Walmart.

Since I’m forgetful too, I forgot that I already have her number on my phone. She gave it to me when we were helping her with her clicker. We exchanged email addresses and I sent her a test email.

She wouldn’t tell me her age, saying she was sensitive about that and I told her that’s perfectly fine. What I didn’t tell her is that it’s obvious she’s pretty old, LOL. She’s frail, arthritic and definitely old looking but I’ve seen worse.

I don’t think she’ll be a pest or anything but at least anyone that comes to the door can’t wake me up and neither can a phone call or an email. She should be easy to ignore if she contacts me when I don’t want to be bothered but I can’t see her getting pesky. As I said, she’s nice and likable and in some ways, if I needed a ride or something like a glass of milk, I would feel more comfortable going to her than to others.

That’s another funny thing she said. She just spent $100 at Sam’s Club and didn’t get anything fresh, LOL. Like she was beating herself up afterward for not doing so.

When I was leaving I said it was a little dark but I would be able to find my way back. And she asked if Tom worried about me walking at night by myself, LOL. Not in a gated community. Diane goes to bed the same time he does, so she was asleep. Anyway, she told me to go down the front steps, then she said no, go out the back and then all of a sudden she remembered she could turn the front light on and I would see my way down the stairs in front, haha, so I did. I couldn’t get in the front door because our fucking door gets stuck at this time of year so I had to come in back.

Discovered another food that doesn’t seem to put weight on me and I’m surprised to say that it’s toast since bread is supposed to be bad for weight loss. As I mentioned before, Tom and I convinced each other to jump on diets together at least till August 10th. Even though his metabolism seems to be slower than mine despite having a working thyroid, I think he’ll be down 5 to 10 lb because he has more weight to lose than I do but I don’t think I’m ever getting under 153 until I’m old and dying. Need to have 1000 calories a day to bust under that and the only way to do that would be with the stomach band because I’m not going to magically acquire the incredibly amazing willpower it would take to do that every day for months. I also can’t live on toast and popcorn for a year, but yeah, I was really hungry when I was getting ready for bed so I threw a couple of slices of bread in the toaster and sprayed it with zero-calorie butter spray and found it didn’t put any weight on me.

Just to see if it was a coincidence or not, I had a couple of pieces of toast shortly after I got up and had my coffee and found that it still didn’t put weight on me. Then I waited about an hour and had another couple of slices and got the same results… No weight gain. I’m pretty sure bread is still supposed to be bad for you either way because it supposedly has a negative influence on blood sugar or something like that. I’ll have to do some research sometime.

Poor Aly found mice again in their garage. They set up cameras and found the nest and have some guy coming to remove it. She also has the same cough and congestion she had before. At least if they ever have to move they can do it right away as most people can.

Had my first dream involving Cam. Even though I’ve never seen a picture of him, I still knew who he was. I lived alone in a place that didn’t look anything like this, and he and Aly came to visit. As we were all getting ready to turn in one night, he started complaining that I was coming between their relationship. Well, he used the word “marriage,” actually.

“So just because I turn to her during some tough times that means I’m coming between you? Well, I’m sorry if I came between you or you think I did,” I said.

I couldn’t believe how rude he was after I put them up for free. I momentarily thought of kicking him out but that would mean kicking Aly out as well and I didn’t want to do that to her. I decided to go to bed, if I wasn’t too pissed to sleep, and would deal with his rude ass in the morning.

Told Aly about the dream and she said he was not accusatory or jealous in any way even though it was still an interesting dream.

SUNDAY, JULY 28, 2019 Went swimming and the pool was both deserted and gorgeous on what turned out to be a 106° day. Very hot and dry with only 14% humidity. The water felt cool at first, then perfect, then slightly warm after I got out for a second, then dove back in.

Getting excited with August right around the corner! Definitely onto something with the brand and the dose. Just don’t know how much of the dose is a factor these days but brand…definitely!

The only thing that bothers me is what if I never figured this out? How long would it have been before any doctor told me to question and experiment with brands?

Tom was telling me about an article he read where everyone in this guy’s family, including him, would be so dizzy that they would be bedridden. The doctors did all kinds of tests, including testing his thyroid and looking for tumors yet found nothing. Eventually, they gave up on him and told him to go to a shrink. In the end, he had to be his own doctor in order to figure out what was wrong with him. Through research, he learned that the tip of one of his adrenal glands was enlarged. But because the tissue wasn’t abnormal but just more of what was normal, it didn’t show up during testing.

I also remember this movie I saw where this girl started doing crazy things and she too, was referred to a shrink when it turned out she had a rare autoimmune disease that affected her brain. One doctor who actually cared and wasn’t too lazy to do the work of figuring it out, discovered it.

It really does bother me and even pissed me off when I think of all these so-called experts that fail to consider other possibilities. I realize they can’t always be perfect and they don’t always know it all and get it right, but the number of doctors that prefer to take the easy way out and write something off as simple anxiety or whatever is a bit frightening. There’s no excuse for that! We have lost so, so much time and money on anxiety-related appointments that could have been prevented.

Same with the lady rash I had. If Alyssa had just fucking diagnosed me correctly, I never would have gone through the intense burning and itching of steroids and suffered 4 years when all I had to do was switch to all-cotton undies, change them a few times a day, use free and clear soaps and detergents, and get a bidet. It just seems like any doctor should be smart enough to have been able to diagnose and tell me these things the first time around. So Amy is definitely my hero, and Tom confirms that everything looks normal again down there. :-)

I do admit that Dr. O didn’t brush my entire case off as me just being anxious and that she did tell me and explain about pocket flares in the thyroid, which probably had a hand in the booming heart episodes I was having.

Also, when I was telling my GYN what happened she did say, “Oh, yeah, Levothyroxine can have some pretty scary consequences.” She didn’t say, “Anxiety isn’t even a side effect,” like Dr. A did.

Alyssa also did tell me it could make my heart race but for the most part, she blamed it on severe anxiety. Yeah, I had severe anxiety, all right, but it was mostly the medication at that time and some perimenopause. Sometimes she would kind of acknowledge this but Dr. A has always completely denied the medication as having a hand in it. This doesn’t mean I think Dr. A’s a bad doctor. She’s fine with everything else and I’ve seen her for half a decade now so I’m comfortable with her. From the research I’ve done and other stories I’ve heard, sadly, it’s common for patients with problems with Levothyroxine to be written off as simple anxiety cases because most people don’t have problems with the drug and it’s easier for the doctors that way. The less work they have to do to figure things out and look at other alternatives, the easier their jobs are.

I won’t even begin to get into the joke of an endo I first had with the other medical group. Amazing how she had a shitload of negative reviews when she lived here, but then she goes down to SoCal and everybody just loves her. Yeah, right! Fuck you, Doc D.

This isn’t to say I won’t ever be anxious again. I’m not postmenopausal yet and I’m still on this very strong and sometimes finicky drug. But in four months I’ve had only nine anxious days, most of which were mild and short-lived compared to the relentless, kickass anxiety I suffered for so long I wished I would die. Hopefully, it will continue to remain few and far between and short-lived if it doesn’t completely go away, but if anyone knows what it’s like to have the carpet yanked out from under her, it’s me. So I know there’s still a possibility it could come back full force as unlikely as it seems. I think as long as I stay on this brand and then cut my dose back down again if I try 75s and have problems again, I should be okay.

Still paying off things, though. Tom’s almost done paying off his MRI, and my ENT appointment was $250, we just learned. The biopsy is going to be at least $500, so we’re always in medical debt at least until we’re 65.

I wish I could be my own doctor again and figure out my weight so I could lower my risk of heart disease and other things even though it’s only 30 extra pounds, but there’s nothing to “figure out” in that case. I’m just older with shitty genetics. I don’t think being able to tolerate my medication to the point where I had perfect numbers would help either because Tom’s numbers have always been perfect yet his metabolism is even slower than mine. Most guys his height can have over 2,000 calories a day and still lose weight. He has to go to 1600 or lower.

I can’t get under 153 pounds without going under 1200 calories but that’s just too hard. Less than 1200 leaves me tired, grumpy, and hungry as hell. It’s just part of aging. If most older people could just lose weight, they would. I’m just glad my problem isn’t a lot worse as opposed to poor Tom. He has about 100 pounds to lose. We’re definite proof, though, that you don’t have to eat like a pig and sit on your ass all the time to be fat. I don’t even know if I can stay in the 150s all my life (even though I agree with those who say I look more like I’m 120 to 130 since I’m muscular) but I decided that when he’s 80, that’s it, LOL. I’m going to eat whatever whenever at that time since we won’t have that many years left anyway by then.

Purse stealing seems to be a common dream with me. Again, I got my purse stolen in my dreams when I was in this bus station and placed my hot pink purse down on the counter next to me. I only turned my head in the opposite direction for a split second and then it was gone.

This dream took place back in Springfield and I didn’t even know Tom. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to get on the bus now that I didn’t have my purse and money to pay for the fare.

I sat down on a bench and a younger woman with long dark hair (OMG, every time I voice type my pigs start chatting, LOL) sat down next to me and seemed very friendly.

I don’t know how I got home but now I knew Tom, and an older woman that might have been my mom tried to call him at work about my stolen purse. She talked to somebody briefly, hung up, and said he was home. Then, sure enough, Tom walked into the place and I told him immediately about what happened.

The other dream seemed to be in Florida. They made a pool out of a small lake. Parts of it had a cement retaining wall and there were ladders like you would find in a pool. I stuck a foot in it and found the water to be nice and warm.

SATURDAY, JULY 27, 2019 Really annoys me to be told by Tom that I’m just “more aware” these days and that there aren’t really any more loud cars than usual. Does he think he can brainwash me or something? Been pretty aware and observant all my life. We did NOT have as many loud vehicles years ago. Or as much traffic, loud or not. Plus, others have noticed the same thing. Yet no matter what I say, he’s always gotta disagree or suggests it’s “just me.”

“You’d never complain about a plane before.”

No, I wouldn’t…until there were dozens of them every day. They’ve been better lately but I’m sure that by September they’ll be an issue again. Small planes and helicopters are still a bit annoying at times, but hey, that’s just the new me, right? It couldn’t be because we’re close to an airport. Closer than any other place we’ve ever lived.

Didn’t sleep the greatest, although I’ve slept worse and awoken even more tired than I did. Heard the bastard who’s back as expected leave shortly after I got up. Yeah, he’s the bastard who likely woke me up a few hours before I got up when something loud zoomed by, but I won’t tell Tom that. It just gets too frustrating hearing how it’s just me being more aware, being “angry,” or perhaps I was just dreaming it.

Anyway, I’m sure the prick will be back again soon enough, making up for those few days it didn’t get to see its mommy and daddy. But I won’t make a comment like Carolyn and expect him to comment as well as Jon does. Instead of commenting, he’ll just be bothered by my comment/complaint.

There’s an estate sale going on at Dusty’s, so I guess the woman she took care of who lived there for 30 years died, and that house is next to go on the market.

Aly said she wouldn’t even tell Cam who she was considering dumping, let alone me. So it wasn’t me then. She’d certainly tell Cam if it was.

We went out to Rite Aid and neither of us got a single treat. Well, unless my merlot counts. That’s kind of become my new candy. Love the way it makes me feel and helps me unwind at the end of my day.

I had a dream I rode my bike to some pet store and purchased a small clear pink plastic cage for small animals. Then for some strange reason, I agreed to take this huge box and a large plastic ball, even though I knew I had no use for them and that the animals wouldn’t care for the ball. Instead of telling them, I had changed my mind, I simply said I would have to come back for the big box and ball because I could only take so much on my bike. I decided to myself I wouldn’t return, though.

Then I was talking to a young mom who adopted a baby girl and was a really good mother while remembering a documentary I’d seen about an older woman adopting a child that she abused and thinking how different they were.

FRIDAY, JULY 26, 2019 Only I can have a bowl of popcorn, a beef patty, a cup of coffee, a Slim-Fast shake, and a mac & cheese cup and go from 153.2 to 156.4 in 7 hours. So yeah, going to be right where I am on the 10th, the day we guessed where we’ll be after starting diets together. Oh, he’ll get the results most people get from sticking to diets if he does stick to it, but I think I’ll be 153-154, which seems to be my new low. sighs Sometimes we can’t make our bodies do things they don’t want to do. I just have one of those bodies that don’t respond to diet and exercise. It may respond to 800-1000 calories, but that’s no way to live. Not for me, anyway. Meanwhile, we’re guessing he’ll be down to 260 and he thinks I’ll be down to 149-150. No way. LOL, just no way. He started at 270 and I started at 155. These are first-thing-in-the-morning weights.

I was frying a beef patty in Caribbean Jerk marinade when the damn thing splattered in my eye as I went to flip it. That definitely didn’t tickle!

Tom got two free pillows from work. Some company screwed up and instead of sending computer parts, they sent pillows so everybody got free pillows. I’m going to leave them in their packages and take them when we move. The pillows we’re using now should be fine until we get out of here.

We went to the pool shortly after he got in and there were four other women there. The water was chilly but still pleasant.

When I came back I had a strange toothache. It was more like that section of my jaw ached than the tooth itself. It was by my upper I-teeth, towards the right.

So I’m back on Ask, as I said yesterday, and I see that Aly’s account goes back 6 months. In one of her answers from January, she says she’s currently considering cutting someone out of her life and I can’t help but wonder if that was me she was referring to, but more than likely it was either Molly or Kim. I asked her on WhatsApp but if I don’t get an answer, then maybe it really was me.

I know that because she’s already dumped me once, she could do it again but if she does, that’s it. I’m not going to fight for her or anyone else who doesn’t want to be in my life. I may not be as unforgiving as I wish I was, but I think one area I have improved in is not wasting time over those who don’t want to bother with me. I’m not going to lower and belittle myself by begging someone to stick around. I’m going to just enjoy every day that they’re in my life and leave it at that.

Aly’s both easy and tricky to deal with. She’s great because she’s very intelligent and she’s not the least bit judgmental. But she is very emotional and sensitive and one can never know what may upset her and that could be the most innocent of statements and even single words. Hell, the word “busy” is a trigger for her because it reminds her of when she would be told by adults as a kid that they were busy and to go find something else to do. So I could say that I took my nose spray earlier and maybe the word “nose” will be a horrible trigger for her. While I certainly wouldn’t want to intentionally offend her, I’ve got to be myself as well, so I’m careful not to mention those few trigger words but I’m not going to worry about every single fucking thing I say either. No one can please everyone. No one. There’s nothing we can say, think, do or believe that wouldn’t offend someone somewhere.

Funny how as soon as we make up our minds to go rural in a year or two, I don’t hear the mama’s boy for a few days. As in, things getting quieter before we move, as usual. Then again, he does disappear every now and then and it’s not like a year or two is a few months from now.

Although I would have preferred to schedule my Revenge story on a different Google account, creating multiple accounts at the same place can be a pain in the ass, so I’ve scheduled it in a blog of its own to publish in 2055. I know there’s a risk that the entire account would be shut down if someone saw it and reported it, be it the people I want it seen by or not, thus canceling out the journals that are scheduled in their own blog also for 2055, but there are no guarantees anyway. The scheduling is only for if we both died suddenly and unexpectedly without warning, like in a car crash or something. If I know I’m going to die or we both know we’re both going to die or I die suddenly, one of us will publish what I want to be published.

Last night I dreamed I was going to some doctor somewhere that might have been a dentist. Or maybe not. I’m not really sure. She was reluctant to see me because she thought I might like her a little too much. This wasn’t true but I asked if she could at least take care of something she had started on, but I’m not sure what. Then she said, “Yeah, I guess I’m obligated to finish blah blah blah…”

After seeing her, I left her office which was in a small building and realized I was barefoot. So I went back in and searched for my shoes and couldn’t find them. I gave up and went back outside. But then I really wanted my shoes because I didn’t want to step on anything that could cut my feet, so knowing that I had them when I went in there and that they had to be in there somewhere, I went back in, determined to find them before they closed, which was soon.

Unable to find the shoes upon a second search, I started to get really worried that I would be stuck there barefoot. I don’t know if I was expecting someone to pick me up or if I just couldn’t get very far without shoes in order to call for a ride or get home on my own. For a split second, I was tempted to smash their windows once they closed to trigger their alarms and alert the police that I was stuck there. Then I quickly dismissed the idea, knowing they would take me to jail and not home if I did.

In another dream, I seemed to be waiting forever in some kind of car parts store. The store had a little waiting room in back and I was sitting with half a dozen other people waiting for the cashier to be available. I thought about getting some headlights that I knew my mother needed, but then thought better of it in case I got the wrong ones.

THURSDAY, JULY 25, 2019 I scheduled the books that I had on Amazon to be published on Kobo over the next few months but they all published at once. Well, they put them out as pre-order items actually. So there are 5 published and 5 pre-orders.

Ordered a couple more sleeveless nightgowns because I’m low on summer nighties right now. I have one in pink, aqua, yellow and black. Soon I’ll have turquoise and lilac as well, so that will make six.

We ordered another bidet for the other bathroom as well. Definitely love the thing and wish I had it a long time ago. I already can’t wait to get one with a dryer in the next place. I always feel fresh and clean. Not only has the burning and itching in my crotch stopped but I don’t have that rash in my groin anymore. The leaking stopped too, or whatever that was where no matter how patient I was a drop of pee would sometimes leak which was why I wore liners for a while. It’s like a true miracle!

I created an email account in a bogus name and created a new account on Ask when Aly told me that new accounts aren’t being redirected. Well, they’re being hit with that game scam popping up on the phone so hopefully, it won’t happen on the laptop. So far, so good but as I told her, if it happens again with this account, I’m gone for good! Hate some of the changes they’ve made to that site but CC is pretty dead. At least it’s there as a backup, though.

She told someone on CC she ditched the account many knew about for a new one where she would no longer have the irritation/hurt of people deactivating.

Rolls eyes A little sensitive, are we? I can see getting a little frustrated but hurt? Literally, hurt? You gotta get off the internet if you’re that sensitive and going to take things that seriously! Really, that’s the one thing that annoys me about her. She’s way too sensitive and melodramatic at times, making way too big a deal out of some things. I got tired of having to watch every little thing I said, so since I can’t know if even the most innocent of statements may be something she’ll take the wrong way, I just say what I’ve got to say and accept that we can’t please everyone.

It really bothers me that people can look up what email accounts we have and what sites we’ve joined through those email addresses because it simply shouldn’t be anyone’s business unless we choose to tell them. So that’s why I created the bogus AOL email address under a random name. I don’t know why this country wants to bear and share it all but it’s definitely not big on privacy unless you take measures to do whatever you can to get some.

Didn’t sleep as well so I’m kind of tired today. I never sleep well during the daytime. I think it’s the stress of having to deal with the earbud and traffic, he thinks it’s perimenopause. Then why do I sleep better at night? I don’t think my hormones know what time of day it is.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 24, 2019 Good news. I no longer have to worry about the painting of the roads waking me up because they did it today. Tom was right. It wasn’t loud. Now let’s see if they can stay out of the roads for more than a year!

I scheduled a handful of books to publish over the next few months but they published all at once. This is still okay, though. Aly has been kind enough to proofread Dumping Davina along with me. Once in the store, I’ll tip Alyssa off about it and let her know she inspired the Laurina character. LOL Wonder if it would make her curious enough to buy it, but I doubt it.

Started getting rid of clothes that were too small for me. No more of the, “I’ll wear them when I lose weight” bullshit because I’m never losing weight.

The calls are back. Got a couple that left voice messages claiming my social security number has been suspended due to suspicious activity.

Do they really think people are that dumb?

We’re in the triple digits which will make the pool pleasant for us. We were thinking of going for a dip on Friday evening. But even I get sick of intense heat after a while because it makes it so hard for working out and sleeping, especially working out. I’m on the treadmill right now and I have to do it in chunks.

I woke up for an hour or so at 6 after crashing at midnight and I should have made myself get up then because it’s still going to be a struggle to get to my next two appointments. Instead, I ended up dozing off until 11. :-(

While I dozed I had a dream I could definitely have done without. I don’t know if we were living in an adult community or where it was but the black bitch lived in our neighborhood. She had the same kind of screen mesh alongside her carport that we have.

I was walking by when it was dark and I could see a faint glow of light through the screen and then I heard her arguing with who I assumed was Mike somewhere in the carport. Then the talk turned romantic and she was talking about having another kid. I couldn’t wait to tell Tom and wonder how she would pull that off since that may be pretty tough to do at 44. In reality, she’s only a few years younger than me.

Then I was suddenly inside her house. She wasn’t home and I don’t know if I broke in or if I was with anyone else, but I was surprised at how immaculate it was. I was drinking coffee and poured what was left of it down the drain and put the cup in her dishwasher. Then I wondered if she’d recognize me if she came home, and thought I better just get out of there instead.

TUESDAY, JULY 23, 2019 If you like the sound of landscaping, then Tuesdays are the days you would love it here. They do the greenbelt and one of the houses across the street on Tuesdays so it’s definitely the most active day for those mowers and blowers.

I totally love the new bidet and wish I’d gotten it years ago. It always leaves me as fresh as if I just stepped out of the shower. If only I had known! I don’t know if it was the treatment or the lack of regular use of a bidet or not always wearing all-cotton underwear that was giving me so many problems, but it’s great to feel so much better! Really thought I was doomed for life down there.

I just worry it might be a bit cold in the winter because it’s pretty cool right now and it’s 100° out there.

It has six levels of pressure and I like it best between one and two. I honestly don’t see how anybody could stand getting even remotely close to max pressure without ripping their asses apart.

I like the regular setting better than the feminine setting because the regular setting gets more toward the front of me. The feminine setting is actually best for taking dumps.

The only thing I hate is that now the toilet seat is even higher. That’s because the bidet nozzle goes between the bowl and the seat. You have to wedge these rubber pieces between the lid and bowl to fill in the gap, and I woke up to find the two back pieces in the toilet. Tom will glue them when he gets home.

Hoping to get bidets with dryers in the next place. Then, just like we eliminated our need for gas by getting an electric car, we wouldn’t need toilet paper either.

Had to get pig food on Amazon but I’m not going to get additional popcorn makers. Yeah, all the colors are cool but I really don’t need a dozen popcorn makers. My pink and purple ones are enough.

Sick of that live chat thing already. The people are boring and it’s not like I’m thirsting to talk to strangers, make new cyber pals, or meet anyone. It’s almost all men and if I don’t get some kid, I get some slut. To each their own but I just don’t find these folks interesting. I guess I’m just picky and hard to impress.

We were talking about when we think we can get out of here, and while life isn’t usually what we plan it and things often take longer than expected, we’re hoping that if things go well with his apps, next year. If not, the year after.

Still excited to return to country living despite the pros and cons. One concern is if he has a 45-minute drive to work and I absolutely have to start a new medication, well, that may be scary with a medication phobia and even scarier if something went wrong. Also, we do have an electric car and it can’t drive forever.

There are also pros and cons of going off the grid. I would prefer to have everything we need already there (the well, electricity), but then if we went off-grid we could pick out our own house. I’m hoping for 5-10 acres to get further from the street as opposed to 1-2 acres, but it seems that the bigger parcels are more likely to be off the grid.

I finally got a health update from Tammy and it’s not good. I was under the impression she was doing better and that she didn’t have sarcoidosis but just typical lung damage from smoking. I keep getting conflicting reports when I look up the life expectancy for those with sarcoidosis. Some say it will kill you within a decade by causing complications with things like the heart, lungs and brain. Other reports say it’s not disabling and most people live normal lives with it.

They’re going to be burning nerves during two separate surgeries next month in her lower back. I was surprised to hear this because I thought she said that when they did this in her neck, it failed to help and actually made things worse.

She had to get a fentanyl patch recently but says the sarcoidosis, which she does have, is stable at the moment.

Another thing is something with a heart valve that is being closely monitored. That’s the scariest thing she mentioned because that’s something that certainly could affect me as well with all the heart disease running in the family. I’m hoping that because I quit smoking a lot younger than anyone else did and am in better shape, I’ll escape these issues or at least not get hit with them until much later in life. I know that being thinner and more active than other family members doesn’t make me exempt from problems but I’m doing my best mostly by keeping active and eating healthy. It’s a lot easier to cut out sodium than cholesterol because I feel like my food options are limited without meat.

Aly went to her GYN this morning for a pelvic exam and some x-rays to make sure she doesn’t have any more fibroids, and I’m waiting for a report from her and hoping she doesn’t need that hysterectomy but it may be the only solution to these ongoing problems she’s been having. She’s been suffering a lot of pain and bleeding on and off. It’s really too bad she’s not able to have that bone marrow operation as well. This country is just so fucking fucked up when it comes to healthcare, and it’s scary how many doctors fuck up as well. They misdiagnosed Tammy, and 5 years ago they told me I was “just anxious,” 2 years ago they told me I had first LP and then LS, and how long would it have been before a doctor was smart enough to tell me to question my brand of medication had I not caught onto that myself?

She said two doctors have told her that the humidity is making her worse but I wonder why she wants to go to North Carolina? It may not be as humid as Florida but it’s still humid enough. I’d go to New Mexico or Nevada. Can’t recommend Arizona after what that fucking state did to me.

MONDAY, JULY 22, 2019 Tom and I had a fun, interesting and exciting chat yesterday. As you know, I’ve been torn between rural Nevada and subtropical Florida. I could sit here forever listing tons of pros and cons to both of them.

But then we looked on Zillow to get ideas of what’s available in both areas and then it hit me. Who says we have to choose one or the other? Why not do both? Hawaii may be just a fantasy but why not go down to the Nevada or New Mexico desert for a handful of years and then finish off in Florida?

We talked about the benefits of him working until he’s 70, and to be honest, as long as I’m not suffering in the way that I was with the anxiety ever again, I’d be okay with that. It’s nice to know that if worse came to absolute worse and I needed him to be home all the time, he could now retire, get whatever assistance we may need to supplement the retirement income and be home with me full-time.

If he works until 70, we’d get just over $2,000 a month and I’d start getting a bigger percentage then as I’d be 62. I wouldn’t get as much if he retired at 66 and got $1,600 a month. Right now it would only be $1,100 a month. So I hope he’s not being overly optimistic when he insists that coding apps can eventually boost our income by a few hundred dollars a month.

The idea of going to the desert until he’s 70 excites me mostly because I’m sick of the crowds and being so close to such busy streets. It might explain some of the “country dreams” I’ve had, too. I know and accept that if we go rural there’s going to be nonstop barking from the neighboring properties because that’s just the west for you. Dogs aren’t considered household pets here unless they have to be. So I know I’ll be in for barking day and night. But at this point, if I have to have sound machines on all the time to drown out noise that’s at least drownable rather than have to worry about ferociously loud sounds overriding the sound machine and waking me up, so be it. It’s a compromise I’m willing to make at this point since I’m not allowed to live in peace anywhere. We just have to be sure to get a place at least 100’ from the road and avoid flight paths. I’m talking about military flight paths. Living with Sonic booms was no fun at all.

I don’t know if we’re really going to do this as I do know that one’s plans often get thrown off course due to circumstances out of their control. One of us could develop health issues that could ultimately prevent us from moving to Florida in the end or something like that. I don’t like the idea of remaining in a climate similar to this or even a little colder, but I would take eight more years of that out in the country before I took five more years of it right here. I know yesterday was unusually quiet and it’s been quiet so far today, but I can pretty much guarantee that it ain’t going to last long. The loud car, other loud vehicles, and landscaping will make their presence known before I know it. In fact, here’s the mama’s boy right now.

Yes, rural pose some potential problems like a higher risk of a home invasion, longer waiting time in the event of an emergency, and the potential for more problems from neighboring properties, it also opens the door to all kinds of exciting possibilities as well. While the neighbors may be blasting music, letting their dogs yip and yap, and allowing their trash to blow onto our land since we’re likely going to have to go back to burning trash in a metal drum, we could get our own pool again! Not an inground pool like we had in Phoenix but one of those inflatables. About four feet deep is all we need and remember, one of us is short. I could have fun and just two or three feet of water. :-)

We could also get a dog sooner. The reason we haven’t gotten one here is that I can’t always be available to walk it during the daytime when he’s at work. But if we had land somewhere out in the country, we could put it outside during those times. Why not? Everyone else’s dogs would be outside. I just want to make sure that this time around we have adequate fencing to keep loose dogs out. Hated that in Arizona! Yeah, that’s another thing; they don’t just let them bark nonstop without a care in the world as to who it may annoy, they let them run loose, too.

I don’t know if we’ll get an established piece of land that already has a home on it or if we’ll go off the grid, but I guess that depends on what we find and the costs. We really don’t want to go over $100,000.

At first I was like, but we can’t get a place unless he’s fully retired or he could show he’s been at a job for at least a year, but given how much the average manufactured home is selling for in this area, I think we could actually get at least $70,000 for it as is. So if we put $30,000 down on a house, that leaves us $40,000 to hold us over until he can get a job, and it’s not going to take him two years to get one. Not unless we have another huge recession and that’s unlikely.

We saw a gorgeous modern house listed on a property in Belen, New Mexico, so we’re keeping our eyes peeled. Even if we do this, it’s not going to happen tomorrow or the next day. The biggest thing is that we stay healthy! As far as I can see, sudden and unexpected health issues could be the only thing that could hold us back. Hopefully, I’ll never experience the kind of anxiety I experienced because I’m never going to be in the heart of perimenopause again and I’m never going to be dumb enough to keep taking medication that so obviously seems to have a big hand in making me feel like shit. I’m now going to know about cutting back and questioning brands, etc.

With August approaching, my excitement is definitely turning up a notch after having just 9 anxious days which were mostly pretty mild compared to the weeks and sometimes months of hardcore anxiety I used to go through. I’m definitely onto something with the brand. No doubt about it. I’ll never touch Mylan or Lannett again. As far as dosage? I can’t say for sure exactly how much of that was a factor at this time. I won’t know until and if I return to 75s.

77 days. Just 77 days is all I need to go without a period and I’ll be officially menopausal!

Anyway, there are pros and cons to just about every state. I don’t like how Florida, New Mexico and Nevada don’t have the Death with Dignity Act that should have been implemented everywhere ages ago. That would be one of the few negatives to leaving Cali. Cali also has more programs than any other state. We couldn’t afford to stay here on $1,600 a month, but then we would get food stamps and free insurance to supplement us. Cali is a very giving state. It’s just harder to get stuff when you’re white and you’re from here. We shamelessly took food stamps in Auburn during the recession and it helped us tremendously. We were only disappointed that we didn’t know we qualified for help sooner. A lot sooner.

There is nothing more important than good health and happiness. Nothing. I would rather be happy and healthy and have just enough to get by than feel like shit with all kinds of extra money. Hell, I’d be dirt poor before I went through what I went through for most of the time we lived in this house!

Now for a surprising update on Tammy. First she tells me she’s reluctant to discuss her health with me because she read in my journal how I wrote that we spoke and once again it was all about her health issues. She’s correct. I did indeed write this not because I was sick of hearing about her health but because that seemed to be 99% of what we talked about. She would rarely ask things about me and I felt like I had to volunteer whatever. I don’t mind discussing the same things over and over for the most part (unless it’s race, politics or religion). It’s when that’s all I hear about that it gets old. Like me bitching about the noise or talking about the rats. I can see where that would get old for some people but what if that was all I talked about?

The question is where the hell did she see this? That’s something I would have kept private.

The surprising part was when she said the house was for sale and they’re moving to the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina. I was like… WTF? How did she go from Ohio to North Carolina? I thought maybe they had a falling out with Mark’s family but she said Ohio would be hard on him, whatever that meant. I’m thinking it has to do with the climate. I told her I couldn’t imagine her moving to Ohio and that she would regret every single snowflake just like I did in Oregon.

Getting a little worried about my weight. At first it looked like cutting my pills wouldn’t affect it but now I don’t know. Or maybe it would’ve happened even if my numbers were perfect and it’s just part of aging and my shitty genetics, but it’s getting harder to get even just those few pounds off that I’ve always been able to lose.

My weight’s still the same at 155.2 (has been for days now) and I worry either something’s wrong with me or it’s too late to lose weight. I’m afraid I’ve hit the latest highs too many times to get back down. The longer the extra weight hangs on, the more it becomes a part of you. So now getting to 153-154 may be a thing of the past. I’ll eat a little less today and tomorrow we’ll see if 155 really has “become me” or not.

SUNDAY, JULY 21, 2019 Tom and I power-hosed the patio and furniture.

My office is now back in the living room once again but I’m not using the corner desk there. Well, I have the giant TV on it, but I actually brought out the smaller desk I had in the bedroom to put in front of it, angled the treadmill to the left of it, and put a small bookcase to the right of it, forming a U-shaped workspace. The idea is for me to be able to go back and forth from working on the treadmill to working sitting down at the desk without having to unplug things. The screen is a little high when sitting at the desk in a little low when on the treadmill but it’s working out nicely so far. This way I only have to move the mouse back and forth and I’ll hopefully be motivated to walk at least an hour a day this way.

I just wish I could lose more than a few pounds, but at least I will lose a few and I’ll be healthier and feel better. I put the skier in the bedroom where the small desk was so I can ski when listening to my book as I begin to unwind.

The only negatives to being in here besides the fact that it’s noisier with all the big windows are that it’s warmer in this area in the summer and colder in the winter. At least I can be around the animals more.

While today has been unusually quiet as far as traffic and landscaping goes, you do hear the little sounds easier in the living room unless something’s running like the little fan on the corner of my desk or some kind of white noise/nature sounds. Right now I hear some dog yapping down the street that I’m pretty sure lives on the other side of Bob and Virginia. Or maybe it’s Santa’s dog. Heard it when I visited Bob and Virginia on the 4th and then walking to Dixie’s.

Got a very lovely and realistic German Shepherd figurine that is quite heavy from Goodwill. It’s obviously meant to be outdoors but I’m keeping it indoors because it’s so beautiful. Had to touch up some chips with paint, but I just love it. :)

Almost didn’t go treasure hunting there today thinking it’d be too soon for them to have new stuff. When I didn’t find anything interesting where the figurines and dolls are kept, I moved on and cut through an area of the store I don’t usually browse in. It was then that I spotted the dog. Someone probably got it from where the figurines are and changed their mind as they went through the store, then placed it there.

Also got a tiny figurine of a rottweiler puppy with a leash in its mouth.

Just had an interesting and exciting chat with Tom but I’ll explain later, plus a surprising update from Tammy.

SATURDAY, JULY 20, 2019 Dumping Davina is now finished at 13399 words! But I’m having trouble submitting it for validation. Maybe it will be fixed after the weekend.

Yesterday I was pulling the trash bin in after the trash was picked up, and a woman in a white SUV waved to me. My first thought was that it was Geri since she has a white SUV, but she doesn’t usually flash such a bright smile as this woman did. It was then that I realized it was Dixie.

Tried to talk myself out of bothering, knowing the potential trouble friends can bring, but was curious so I took a walk down to her place and asked if she knew when they would be painting the speed bumps.

She said she didn’t know and when I realized she had been eating, I asked if I caught her at a bad time. She said no, and that she and her stepdaughter were eating salads she picked up at Wendy’s.

I asked if she liked it here and she said she didn’t like having to pay a grand for the lot and having to hire a gardener. They have way more plants than we do, but when cared for, it looks nice and makes the place much more private. Their patio and furniture were nice and clean, too. Tomorrow we’ll be power-hosing our patio and furniture. Despite the regular noise from traffic and landscaping, it’s good to get out in the fresh air and sun if only for a few minutes a day and actually use the bench swing we paid hundreds for.

So she invited me in and never shut up, LOL. She was rather erratic too, in that she changed subjects rapidly and was a bit contradictory. She wasn’t happy here due to it being expensive and the freeway so close, but later she said she was very happy there. She doesn’t seem bothered by the traffic but doesn’t like how she can “smell” the freeway (gas).

Her daughter was scarily ugly. Her face reminded me of a pug dog with her wide-set bulging eyes. She lives there and she’s the one that gets picked up by that loud Pride bus. I guess they deal with mentally challenged people and I get the impression she may be autistic. Those are almost as hard to deal with as bipolars. You cross them or they think you’ve crossed them and they’ll go ballistic on you. Wonder if Kim’s listed as autistic? Despite living in a country that isn’t very big on privacy, I can’t think of any way to look that up and find out exactly what her disabilities are said to be.

I’m guessing Dixie is in her 70s, Pug, her 50s.

Once inside the house, I found that it was the exact same house we have. Just different carpet and colors, of course. They didn’t seem to have much. Their bookcase was mostly empty. They had a small dining table but there was stuff on it, like beads and things for crafting projects. What was weird was that instead of sitting on stools at the counter, they had a little two-seater just inside the kitchen, running along one of the counters. Why block cabinets when you can sit at the counter, I wondered, but it’s their place. So, whatever works for them.

She pulled out a very uncomfortable chair from the dining table for me to sit on while they sat in their kitchen finishing their salads. She pointed out things she liked and didn’t like about the place. She doesn’t like the dark granite countertops but she likes the Berber carpet. Me too. I would still prefer laminate flooring but if I had to have carpet, that’s what I would go with. Pretty sure that’s what Bob and Virginia have as well.

She said that a guy was going into his house somewhere in this park and left the door open behind him. First she said something about him bringing his bike inside and then it was a dog. Either way, some guy followed him in and tried to rob him or something. When she told me this, I remember the time we were coming in from wherever and saw a cluster of cop cars. I wonder if that had anything to do with it. The gates are open in the daytime but since the park is a bit out of the way, I’m guessing it was a gardener or something like that. Random druggies and homeless people simply don’t wander into this park.

First she spoke kindly of the lady next to her and “Santa.” Then she said something about not saying anything to anyone because of her words being misinterpreted, whatever that meant, and also that she was told the people here were friendly but doesn’t think so.

Well, I can think of a certain household that truly doesn’t want to get along with its neighbors. I think at first they started off not caring, then when they learned that some people around here don’t appreciate their shit, they went out of their way to be more annoying. People are just twisted like that. It’s like how Miss Perfect was. First she seemed to care about my feelings and not offending me. Then she didn’t care if she did or not. Then she actually went out of her way to piss me off.

But yeah, the mama’s boy has been coming around more and more, like two or three times a day. It really does make me wonder if he’s homeless by choice and if it’s about spite. It’s like his parents are total enablers, feeding him, paying for the heap of shit he drives, and his cigarettes just so he doesn’t have to get a job and take responsibility for his own life. I can’t think of any other legitimate reason he would be around so often other than due to being a moocher and just for pure spite. From what I’ve heard of Melody, she definitely sounds like the type that would have her son annoy the neighborhood after being complained about. She and her husband aren’t disabled, so he’s no caretaker. My first thought was maybe he was working on their place for them but since 2017? They don’t have any business they run online or anything that I’m aware of, and even if they did, why would that require him to spend so much time there if he was helping them out?

We went to Whole Foods this morning to check out their buffet. Damn parents who let their kids scream and shout non-stop! Everywhere we go, unless it’s really early or really late, some brat is out of control. I don’t understand how the parents themselves can stand it. When I was a kid, kids simply didn’t act like this. They were taught discipline, manners and respect. I wish more teachers would pick up where today’s parents are leaving off. It isn’t just those around them they annoy with their ear-piercing antics, but if raised to believe it’s okay to be so uncivilized as kids, they’re going to become selfish, inconsiderate adults. Well, that’s not what I want running the world in 20 years.

Would love to go to this really cool water park we drove by but it’s because of these brats that I can’t enjoy things like this because they’re always there to ruin things. We both hate crowds anyway, but still. People should be able to go out in public without someone screaming in their ear so loud they can’t hear their husband talking to them, just like they should be able to go out and not have to inhale secondhand smoke. You may not give a shit about your lungs, but I care about mine.

So the buffet itself wasn’t really that great. The pizza wasn’t the best I’d ever had and the rest of the stuff I gathered was just okay. The mac and cheese were outstanding but the eggs tasted funny, bacon is just bacon, potatoes are just potatoes, then there was something I tried that I didn’t like all because it turned out to be spicy. Definitely not worth going back again.

The cool thing was that they have a handful of charging stations outside their place so we could get a free charge while we were in the store. I was surprised by how many other electric cars were there charging as well.

The traffic was no fun either and every time I’m out in it, I long to be in a much less populated area. Since we can’t live in Maui, I really like the idea of Stuart because it’s a lot smaller and almost everybody is older there. As I said, I don’t understand how people can tolerate these wild brats these days, but if you can, you’re damn amazing! I know not all of them act like animals but the numbers are way up there for sure.

After waiting at a long light, Tom pointed out that I’m getting more impatient lately and he’s right. I am. I don’t know why, but I just am. I think most of us get less tolerant and impatient with age. But that’s not what bothers me. I’m content to be who I am. It’s him being more bothered by my complaining than what I’m bothered about that bothers me. He admitted he’s “weak.” I guess in that sense he kind of is, but it also isn’t just him not being able to handle me complaining, I really get tired of him making excuses for or defending the people and things that bother me. Who the hell does that?

I’m worried about my buddy because I’ve had a feeling about her needing a hysterectomy. But then she started improving and I thought maybe my vibe was meaningless. However, she started having problems again, so I don’t know. Unfortunately, I’m not usually wrong on these kinds of things.

I’m also worried about Tammy because she’ll be 62 soon and I’ve had a bad feeling about her hitting that age for several years now. I just don’t know what it’s about.

Not sure I’m going to keep my Twitter account or CC because it’s been kind of dead. Even our camp cabin is awfully quiet.

After we came back, we went out to Rite Aid a little later for treats and my mini-wines I can’t seem to give up. Especially merlot! I first thought it would be cool to get a bottle of Merlot and not touch it for 15 years or so to see what it tastes like after it’s aged, but then when I read up on how to age wine, I found that it’s best for it to remain at a steady temperature of around 55 degrees. That’s not something I can do, so I’m not going to bother. I’m also not going to spend hundreds just to find out what aged wine is like.

Was watching a really cool documentary about the sun and learned some amazing facts like how the light we see when we look at the sun takes a hundred thousand years to get from the core to the surface yet only eight minutes to hit the Earth and four hours to make it to Neptune.

On our way into the store, I found a penny lying heads up in the parking lot. I know from first-hand experience that if you pick up a penny that’s tails side up, it’s bad luck. Well, picking it up on the head side isn’t exactly good luck as I’d hoped because we won’t be installing the bidet today. The tee connector doesn’t fit. Ordered one specially made for Veken bidets that will arrive tomorrow.

FRIDAY, JULY 19, 2019 “I’m not what you think I am. You’re what you think I think I am.”

Saw this meme on Facebook in the first person that came to mind was Andy. In his mind, I was definitely everything he was and that he wanted me to be, which was part of why our friendship couldn’t work.

He parked up the hill when he got in at around 4 yesterday and then decided around 7 that if they hadn’t moved the barricades he was coming in anyway because Candy needs to be charged at night. Turns out people were getting impatient since it was after 6, so they moved the barricades themselves.

Not sure it was really worth spending the time and money, not to mention putting people out, to coat the roads here. When I was out walking, you could still tell where all the cuts were that they made during other annoying projects, and none of the cracks were filled in. All they did was make everything the same color. It’s kind of an ugly one, if you ask me because it’s so dark. It still looks better than it did before.

They worked on and off for about 7 hours. The huge blowers that looked like they were pushing these generators around, were moderately loud, but the seal coater wasn’t that loud. Jackhammers and woodchippers are way louder. When they had all their equipment turned off, it was dead quiet since no one could drive by. You’d think it was 4am or something.

From a distance, it looked like a giant mop mopping the road and I learned how the process was done just by watching. Didn’t smell inside the house but it was a little smelly outside. I took pictures to share with Tom and on Facebook.

The thing is that I know they’ll find something else to do in the roads before we know it. There’s always some shit going on here. They haven’t painted the speed bumps yet so that’s one more thing I’ll have to deal with and hope it doesn’t wake me up, depending on when they get to that. I’d like to say I hope this will be it for a while but I’m sure it won’t be. If it isn’t the park doing something loud and obnoxious, it will be one of the residents.

On my way back, Bob was sweeping behind his garage. I said hello and asked what he was up to. In a grumpy tone, he said, “Picking up this mess!”

I told him they made a mess of our carport as well and Tom had to blow it off.

Yesterday really got me missing country living and while there would certainly be positive things to that, I still don’t know if it’s wise for an aging couple to just go off the grid.

I also have mixed emotions about Florida’s climate vs. Nevada’s. I really want to live in a more tropical climate that’s warmer year-round but I’d worry about storms waking me up regularly and evacuations and shit like that for hurricanes, and we don’t know how living there may affect our health. There’s just no way to magically know this without living there for a while.

While I wouldn’t have to worry about this in the desert, it gets colder there than a lot of people think. I don’t want to go anywhere where it’s cold, even if it was only for a couple of months.

The mama’s boy has already been making up for lost time, as I knew it would. Came in earlier, though not at 6:30. It made one of today’s three trips beginning at 7:45.

I messaged Carolyn and told her that if they’re on vacation, they picked the right time for that, and mentioned how noisy it’s been and the pictures I posted. They’re in Alturas because their daughter and SIL opened a grocery outlet. They’ll be back this evening.

THURSDAY, JULY 18, 2019 Went to the top of the hill around 6am. I could see the trucks there as well as the area beyond the hill that they paved yesterday. Makes sense that they’d leave their trucks and equipment here overnight. Looks like there are just dots across the speed bumps, so they haven’t been painted yet. Today’s our section but who knows when someone will return to paint? They won’t be working tomorrow since tomorrow is trash day.

And the road rage is on! Barely after 7, they started blowing the streets with this giant push-blower.

I’m on the treadmill right now since I won’t be going out anymore today.

Regardless of age and genetics, when you’re low on thyroid you’re rarely able to lose weight. So I decided quite a while ago that I would just let my weight be. However, I definitely have to go back to cooking from scratch or close enough to it since processed foods aren’t good for me. I still shouldn’t be overdoing things like cholesterol and sodium. Yeah, I’m going to die someday anyway, but I would prefer that to be closer to 30 years from now and not a decade.

Was going to try to finish my NaNo project today but with all the distractions going on I don’t think I’ll be nearly as productive as I was in my dreams last night. Yeah, I strangled a serial killer. Me and a group of people were determined to catch this serial rapist/murderer in the area. We busted into some woman’s house as he was about to kill her and we all attacked the guy with me being the one to put his last lights out. Kudos to me! :-)

Yesterday I said to myself, watch, the mama’s boy is going to come in more than once today because it knows it’s going to miss mommy and daddy time tomorrow which is today. Again, with a son that clingy, I don’t know why they bother to move here. Maybe they thought they could wean him off and into taking responsibility for getting a life? Yet with three visits in one day, I’d say their efforts failed.

The Chatroulette site is definitely full of all kinds of weird characters. Some beat off, as I was warned they would, and then there are some kids whom I absolutely will not talk to. I don’t want to risk getting caught up in any perverts out there that may be abusing the site or have them twist anything I say. A couple of kids did me a favor by quickly moving on with a, “Goodbye, grandma,” LOL. Oh, the beauties of aging!

Most of the users are guys from what I can see so far, but I like how there are so many users that you’re unlikely to get the same person more than once. It isn’t something I plan to use often but I kind of get a kick out of it when I do. I just ramble on about whatever when I get someone who doesn’t want to have an actual conversation.

One guy decided it looked like I had big boobs and wanted to see them, but since I couldn’t get anything for it, he didn’t get his so-called “prize,” as he put it. You want to pay me, I’ll happily flash them. I have no problem with those who make money from their assets as long as no one’s being hurt. If I did, I wouldn’t have been an exotic dancer way back in my young, skinny days. Tom and I actually talked about me camming or at least doing paid texts, since I would think most people would still want visuals of the young and thin, but agreed it wouldn’t be worth the money to waste time investing in. But yeah, I’ll tell you anything you want to hear if you’ll pay me for it. I mean why not? :-) The only thing you’re going to get for free that isn’t part of my face, though, depending on what type of top I have on, are my well-muscled shoulders and upper arms.

OMG, they made a fucking mess of our carport! This is it. This is the day that cinched my decision to return to the country, so the Nevada desert it is instead of Florida. I’ve had it with adult communities and their obsession with appearance. Landscaping every single fucking day. Regular projects. I’ve had enough! I’m tired of how when someone gets a new roof, I’m the one that’s got to deal with it. When someone goes to tent their place, I’m the one that’s got to listen to it.

I think I might actually sleep worse in Florida with all the storms there. It just seems that that may more than make up for the traffic here. Either way, I’ve had it with traffic and projects galore. Every day I hear some kind of equipment running be it for landscaping or some kind of park or home Improvement project and I’m tired of it. I didn’t sign on for this shit! I thought these communities were supposed to be about peace. Never would have bothered to come here had I known what I was in for, though I can see where most mainstream neighborhoods must be way worse depending on climate. I’m guessing cold climates would be okay in the winter, but then again, we had loud car stereos going by many times a day even in the dead of winter up in Oregon. Noise pollution is everywhere these days that the only real place to get any peace is out in the country, even if dogs will always be a problem there, especially in the West. And if you’re really unlucky, so will sonic booms and hunters. It’s the frequency and the volume I’m considering. There are way too many loud sounds here. It’s ridiculous for any neighborhood, but even more so for an adult community. I shouldn’t have to worry that I might be woken up even at 1 in the morning if someone decides to roar in on a motorcycle.

The Twenties haven’t been around since I first went out at 6, then I saw Geri take her car up the hill and then walk back. Bob and Virginia’s SUV is still in their garage.

They haven’t finished blowing because there’s still plenty of shit in front of the house. They went down alongside the house and to the other side of the circle and then stopped. All has been quiet for the last half hour or so, so I don’t know when they’re going to start up again. I asked one of the guys when cars could drive through and he said not until 6. So Tom’s going to have to park elsewhere until then. It would be nice if they would have the common courtesy to blow off our driveway at some point, but I’m sure they won’t. So once again, it’s just people doing things that aren’t necessary other than for looks that are at our expense in some way.

The blowers are deafening so I’m staying in the living room to help keep the animals calm. I don’t know if it makes them nervous in any way, but just in case, I’m here.

Saw someone driving some other equipment at the corner, and now they’re blowing the front of the house on down.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 17, 2019 Ome.tv is an interesting way to waste time if you get bored or have trouble sleeping. Talked to a 50-year-old guy in New York in both English and Spanish. I’m guessing he was Puerto Rican.

Then I was going to chat with a younger guy in France who didn’t seem to know much English. Although I can read a bit of French, I never could get into the language so I can’t speak it. Just don’t find it pretty as most people do. Never would have learned German if it wasn’t for Nane.

The green doll eyes arrived and they’re much nicer than my own green eyes with flecks of gold in them that mine don’t have. Mine are just plain old medium to dark green that reminds me of moss or algae. They look surprisingly good on Gia but I don’t know that they would look good on Suki. Dark brown is still my favorite. The only thing I don’t like about the Gia head is how one eye is more open than the other.

It was the eyeshadow/liner stick that was a waste of money because it’s barely visible. Would have preferred blue or purple but they didn’t have that and I was curious to try it since it was cheap.

The precancerous spot on my chest is shrinking which I read they can do, so it might not need to be sprayed with liquid nitrogen. We’ll see how it is when I see Amy next month.

Haven’t gotten a robocall in over a week so maybe the blocks are finally working? Naw, I’d say more than likely the different scammers went down their list of numbers and found they weren’t going to get a response from this one.

I think part of the reason I’ve been tired lately isn’t just poor sleep but because I’ve been having too many processed foods again, so once I finish what I have, it’s back to cooking fresh stuff.

No anxiety today which is good and the experiment is still proving to be mostly successful since I’ve counted only nine days where I was either anxious or close to it since beginning it. In the past, my anxiety would last for weeks and sometimes even months. Brand was definitely a factor but dosage? I guess I’ll find that out when I one day return to 75s.

Last night I had the weirdest dreams. I don’t know where Tom was but Dr. O was living here. We were going to be going somewhere but first, she wanted to take a nap. I was doing things in another part of the house, which surprisingly looked exactly like this house looks when I realized after a while that she may have overslept. She was sleeping in the second bedroom, so I peeked in from the laundry room and saw she was just beginning to stir.

Then it seemed like we might have been in Springfield when she was taking me to her place. I expected it to be a house but instead, it was an old hotel that was converted into apartments.

Her dark curly hair was an inch or two below her shoulders instead of above and I told her I liked her hair longer. That was exactly what I thought the last couple of times I saw her. She was not only a brilliant doctor but despite having a stern personality, you couldn’t help but like her anyway. And even though most people would consider her average-looking, there was something about her I don’t know if I could exactly call attractive, but she did look pretty good for her 60s.

Then I had a dream Tom and I found out I was pregnant as we were walking somewhere. Tom told me the doctor wanted me to take this, too. Not sure what “this” was but when I asked why he said because I was older.

Then I was in a pool by myself totally unable to believe I was pregnant. I wasn’t showing yet but when I thought of all I would lose once the baby arrived (I don’t know why I didn’t just get rid of it since it wasn’t what I wanted), I was a little disappointed and worried. I knew I would have to give up a lot and that things wouldn’t be the same.

TUESDAY, JULY 16, 2019 Was glad to finally sleep better after nearly a week and to have enough energy to jog down to the lake and back. As I was coming back up from the lake and turned onto Oak, I saw tons of cars parked on the outer edge of it and at first I was like, WTF? Then I looked down toward the first curve in the road and saw them prepping for today’s “road rage.” Yesterday they repaved the front part of the park, and the road we usually turn on when we come in the front gate was closed off, so he had to go the other way. It was open when he left early this morning.

I wonder if he’ll be able to get in on Thursday when our section is on for repaving? He may have to park down at the clubhouse or somewhere.

This fucking park, man. There’s always something going on here. Always.

Anyway, I didn’t feel any traces of anxiety yesterday but for a couple of hours earlier, I had mild traces of it. Going to see how I do until the end of the month and then decide whether or not I think it’s worth going back to 75s in time to push my TSH down under 10 for labs and all that. I’m not ready to call it a bust yet, but if it does get worse, then that puts me back to square one as far as trying to figure out what it could be. I still think some brands made it worse but I’m not sure about the dose at this point. I’m still hoping most of it is on me approaching menopause and that will be in just under three months if I can make it without another period. I’ve been hot flashing, so if I can still do that, I guess I could still get anxious and have those bouts of racing HRs.

Tom had a good point in saying that it seems to be less often and less intense lately. I suppose it’s unreasonable to think it would ever stop just like that, like flicking a light switch. Still, I really hope it’s connected to that and not the medication itself or me simply acquiring a medical disorder that makes me anxious on and off. If it was the medication itself, though, then I would think it would make me anxious every single time I took it, no matter what the dose or brand. Me just up and becoming this way for the rest of my life? I still can’t buy that one but I sure as hell hope not!

Yesterday was the first day I needed a Tucks in a while.

Hate the new Twitter. All they did was rearrange things and not give us features we could actually use. Hate the way my cover pic no longer stretches across the screen and how I can’t just hover over the name of someone and see their tweet count. There are some people I don’t actually follow but look in on every now and then. Some don’t always tweet and I used to be able to hover over their name and see if their tweet count had risen since the last time I checked. At this rate, I’d say they’re never going to let us edit tweets or make some private. A calendar would be nice to quickly jump to older tweets, too.

MONDAY, JULY 15, 2019 “I am a liberal Democrat and even I don’t see what is wrong with going after illegal immigrants who have ALREADY HAD THEIR DAY IN COURT and have been ordered deported and they are still here (that’s who they say they are going after, though if you are here illegally and happen to be right there when they find someone who should have been deported, they will be taken into custody too). I live in a sanctuary city and I don’t understand why we are protecting people who are here illegally. If I went to another country illegally, I wouldn’t expect them to protect me. And they wouldn’t.”

She’s wrong! We MUST protect our illegals and put them first and foremost! We must give these criminals things that we have to pay for, like healthcare. Hey, it’s only fair. So what if they drive crime rates and overcrowding up. So what if our tax dollars must go to support them. So what if this means longer waiting times at the doctors and a tremendous strain on our system. It’s that pregnant rape victim we need to control. It’s those awful gays we need to restrict. Really folks, let’s be a real country and keep supporting our illegals!

Yes, I was being sarcastic. I also feel like shit today for the usual reasons…I slept shitty and so I’m exhausted. Will write about yesterday’s trip to what turned out to be quite a park later or tomorrow. I don’t even know if I have the energy to clean or do NaNo today. Just gotta change the pigs I regret getting.

Later…

Here I am sentenced to bed rest for the millionth time after sleeping shitty, also for the millionth time. Woke up hot flashing several times and once due to traffic. I’m at the point where I realize it’s pointless to sleep with the bud because if I’m going to wake up a million times anyway just because of the stress of sleeping in the daytime in this place, what’s a few more times from traffic? I’m still going to be just as exhausted.

I was able to fall back asleep after being up for a while, but I feel almost as tired as I would have if I had not fallen back asleep. I don’t know why the additional sleep doesn’t refresh me but it doesn’t. I only know that my sleep is so fucking cursed that I don’t doubt that this is the way it’s going to be no matter where we live.

As much as I want to get out of here, it still seems like we’re trapped with no way out until he retires. I swear this only happens to us. He says it’s all because of owning a place but that’s bullshit. Tammy owns yet they’re getting out of there. We’re the only ones this has ever happened to. I just hope it isn’t too late when he retires because who knows what my health is going to be like then? Sleeping shitty two-thirds of the time can’t possibly be good for me. Again, I know I’m not going to sleep any better elsewhere since that’s just one department I’ve been seriously cursed in all my life in various ways, but whenever we move, I don’t know that I want to own anything again. When the nice couple next door dies or moves, I don’t want to be stuck for years when the motorcycle moves in. I want to be able to move easier if owning is what’s really holding us back, and I can’t deny that that is indeed a big part of it. We’ll probably only be able to get 30 or 40 grand for this place and if we lived off of that while we moved and he scrambled to get a job, by the time someone would give us a place, the money we would need for a down payment would be gone.

But again, I don’t know that I want to own because not only can you get out faster if you rent, but what if the climate does affect either one of us in a bad way? I don’t want to have to wait 5 to 10 years to get out. And since we’re going to have a lot less money when he retires, then we don’t lose hundreds or even thousands of dollars when things break like water tanks, air conditioners, and stuff like that if we rent. Lastly, we’re going to eventually get too old to keep up on things ourselves. So would owning really be a wise idea? I’m not so sure about that anymore. As long as we don’t live with our landlord, then we shouldn’t be pestered by them. The only time management can get kind of pesky is if it’s an apartment complex. But if we don’t live on-site, we should be okay. When we rented the duplex and then the house in Oregon, the management company never came to the house. They only sent the owner out to the second house when we called the office when the refrigerator crapped out.

Anyway, I want to work on my NaNo project, go for a walk, and do some cleaning, but I just don’t have the energy. I’m so tired of constant sleep issues holding me back! I’d rather be awake and bored shitless than too tired to do anything.

I’m lying in bed voice typing this entry on my phone but don’t know when I’ll get around to editing it on my laptop.

Yesterday we went to the park by our place real early but there was a guy with four huge dogs there, and while they probably wouldn’t have bothered us, I didn’t want to take a chance. So we went to Rusch Park, and wow. Playgrounds are nothing like what they were in the 60s and 70s! It was quite a park, all right. It had everything…swings, jungle gyms, a mini zip line, monkey bars, a skate park, a tennis court, a soccer (or was it a baseball?) field, and a pool.

I sat on one of the swings for a minute and it was a rather “powerful” swing. I guess the way it hung from a hinge instead of a typical hook was why it swung so easily.

I climbed on some of the jungle gyms and if it was scarily high to me, I’m surprised most kids wouldn’t find it a bit spooky, but Tom insisted it wasn’t that high and that kids would find it fun.

Took advantage of Cyber Monday and the Amazon credit we’ve accumulated and got an attachable bidet for the master toilet, but this one won’t have hot water because the pipes don’t run back there. The other toilet is by the sink so it would be possible to run out there but not the master toilet. Should still be okay, even in the winter. I just know I love them so much I don’t want this ass to ever be without one again, portable or not, cold or not.

I’m like a whole new woman down there! It’s almost like you’d never know I had such burning and itching for so long, so yeah, I was definitely over-treating myself. The bidet has helped tremendously as well because it keeps me fresh and clean and not even my groin area is irritated anymore and I don’t have “leaking” either. Maybe the leaking was just me not being able to get clean enough with just toilet paper. Not sure if my weight has anything to do with that or not, but I love how the bidet has made me feel so much better along with wearing all-cotton underwear. Real underwear and no g-strings, even though I still have a few g-strings I’ll wear from time to time because I’ll miss them. In some ways, those are more comfortable but then they’re also not.

Also ordered a pair of green eyes for the doll but it’s a nicer shade of green than my own eyes, and a combination eyeshadow/eyeliner stick to try.

A little later…

I’m a solar keyboard. Just like a solar keyboard needs light for energy, I stood in the kitchen window and let the early morning sun shine upon my face and it seemed to charge me up enough to clean one of the bathrooms.

I’ve been hot flashing more lately, which I seem to do more of when I’m tired. Would really love to stay up until five or six, but I don’t know that I can hold out that long.

SUNDAY, JULY 14, 2019 I am both horrified and mystified by the country’s protest of ICE going after the illegals running rampant in this country, free to drive the crime rate up, cash in on freebies and hog our already burdened resources. Really, what the hell is wrong with people? Just what the hell is it I’m missing here because it seems to me we should be thrilled that ICE is about to clean up some of the country’s problems. Guess it’s a good thing rallies and marches never changed things and that those in power are going to do what they’re going to do anyway, whether we like it or not, cuz guess what? I don’t want our tax dollars paying for some criminal’s healthcare while we struggle to pay our own.

But God help the woman who should decide to terminate her own pregnancy, right? I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. I mean Tom pointed out that the abortion shit is about religion and that that’s always been about control, but I don’t understand why the hell everyone wants thousands of illegals to storm this country at our expense. That one has thus far flown completely over my head.

Because there’s fighting going on and their own countries? Well, why should that be our problem? If they can’t learn to grow up, get along, and stop fighting like it’s a sibling rivalry contest, why should we be expected to pick up the pieces?

Anyway, other than failing to understand my fellow humans, not much is going on at the moment. The weather has been nice and we’ve been in and out. Went to Sam’s yesterday and am going to a park early this morning and then to Walmart.

Ralph’s car hasn’t been hauled away, actually, but is sitting parked on the street on the trailer attached to the Oregon truck. I’m guessing it’s his son.

Hated that fucking car. It wasn’t nearly as loud as the mama’s boy’s and motorcycles, but it was loud enough. I was glad when he was no longer able to drive it. I just dread what may be moving in there eventually with loud vehicles being so common despite today’s technology. I don’t even know if I could do away with the earbuds even if the street was a hundred feet from the bedroom window.

SATURDAY, JULY 13, 2019 A mix of good and bad with my health, but first, the Oregon trailer hauled the car away yesterday. The trailer is still there, though, so I don’t know what else needs to be done or how long they’ll be there.

For 4-5 hours last night, I felt a little on edge and was worried I’d be hit with a new round of anxiety, but wasn’t exactly anxious. Barely 6 hours into my sleep I woke up and had trouble falling back asleep. I was still tired, too. Amazingly, I was eventually able to nap for a couple of hours but it didn’t do me any good. I’m still tired and I’ve felt warm all night. Really thought I was over this shit with the sleep issues but apparently not.

Didn’t feel anxious tonight but my heart raced 4-5 hours.

We went out walking last night after midnight for about 15 minutes and never saw a single skunk so that much was good. Wanted to go bike riding today but not sure I have the energy. Don’t even know if I have the energy to go with him to Sam’s later on but I’m going to try.

Now my heart has settled down and I don’t quite feel as tired but I have this weird headache that Ibuprofen hasn’t managed to help with yet. It’s this throbbing pain in the space of a quarter by my right temple.

I don’t get for the life of me how one who’s anti-abortion can say that if God puts a life in one’s womb, it’s not up to us to extinguish it. So if their imaginary friend puts a tumor in someone’s body, should it not be up to them to extinguish it with chemo?

Well, you can relax with this reality check, people! Sex puts kids in wombs, not “God,” and shitty luck puts tumors in us as well.

Anyway, I had some vivid dreams while I was napping earlier. In one dream, Tom asked if I wanted something from McDonald’s while at this mall of some kind. I said sure because I was starving.

Then we took seats in these boots that had shelves that contained customers’ belongings. I stared in awe at all these shiny trinkets and Barbies on one of the shelves.

“Don’t stare too long,” Tom told me as I continued to check out all the colorful items.

I said something about Barbie’s measurements changing over the years and that they no longer use her old molds, and then there was this tiny creature (a mouse?) living on the shelves that poked its head out from behind something for a moment. We were surprised it didn’t try to escape and that it stayed obediently on the shelves.

I opened my laptop while we ate and blogged in Spanish.

Then I later went into a panic because someone stole this beautiful floral purse I had with a gold chain making up a part of its strap. Everybody hung their purses on these hooks, much like a coat rack, and when I went to retrieve mine, it was gone. This had happened before at a “community” purse rack but I thought that was a fluke and would never happen again.

THURSDAY, JULY 11, 2019 Started to feel slightly on edge last night, but hopefully, it was only because I haven’t been trimming the pills as much and not because my experiment is about to prove to be a bust. Especially since they canceled my shrink appointment saying she wouldn’t be available that day and to call to reschedule.

No thanks. Not with the experiment still going well and with it taking ridiculously long to get into a shrink. Also, I wasn’t anything I could literally call anxious and I realize I’m not going to feel 100% perfect all the time, especially when I don’t sleep well.

When I got up, I trimmed my pill more toward the middle 3. The number 333 is on one side of the oblong pill. Lately, I’ve been trimming down to the outer 3, bringing it closer to 60mcg rather than 50. Today I trimmed it down to the middle 3. I don’t know that there was a connection, though. I am, however, getting really close to the critical point and if things are going to fall apart, that could be anytime now. Definitely both nervous and excited with August approaching! If I can get there and continue to remain stable, that’s when the real excitement begins!

I didn’t sleep that much better, but I slept longer which helped make up for any disturbances, so I feel better today as well as more rested. A thunk of some kind woke me up early in my sleep and then it was just because.

The flipper, relative, or whoever it is, is still working on Ralph’s place. When I got up shortly after 7, I heard scattered bumps and bangs. Maybe they’re the ones that woke me up if it wasn’t someone hitting the speed bump. The thing is they’re staying there overnight. They were just packing it in at around 7:30 and I could see that instead of the pieces of wood that were on the trailer, there were now a couple of trash bins and one in the carport. I hope to hell they don’t replace windows and I hope to hell even more they don’t do the roof! I hear enough shit around here!

Tom was laughing at my insistence that men who hate women are usually closet-case gays who can’t deal with their sexuality. He just doesn’t see the connection. Well, if you don’t like the opposite sex, that leaves only one other gender…your own.

Then again, who we’re attracted to has nothing to do with what we think of them as people. Being gay or lesbian is about being attracted to the same sex, not about how they treat us, otherwise most women would be lesbian for sure with all the shit men give them. I still think at least some of them are closet cases.

We also shared our different views on the fact that California is now giving free healthcare to illegals. When I read that, it really pissed the shit out of me and it still does. I’m tired of illegals and foreigners coming first. No wonder this country is so in debt. Giving freebies to criminals while honest, hardworking people who are from here have to pay thousands for their own healthcare needs definitely doesn’t sit well with me.

Tom says they’re doing it to save money in the end by giving them preventive care so they don’t have to go to the ER and cost a lot more money since no one is ever turned away from the ER no matter who you are or where you’re from.

I see his point but I still don’t agree with it. All that so-called preventive care eventually adds up and it’s our tax dollars that have to pay for it. I say deport, deport, deport! Treat them in the ER if you must and tell them to follow up in their own damn country or come back legally. Instead, for reasons I don’t understand, most of this country seems hell-bent on welcoming and protecting illegals.

I hate how people can pay to find my email addresses and what accounts I’ve signed up for, no matter how innocent those accounts may be. That is simply no one’s business at all. Why would you care anyway? Why would you want to find out what accounts a friend or someone has?

Speaking of friends, I accept that this is just the way Kim is, but it’s part of why I prefer to avoid the mentally ill, overly emotional/sensitive, and not quite stable in the future. I know that the so-called “normal” people can be a problem as well. After all, Nane turned out to be the judgemental bitch from hell, but those with loose screws are harder to deal with overall and more likely to turn on you if they think you’ve given them a reason to. I know some people are drawn to people like this but damn do they really make my head spin at times, LOL.

After Kim announced on Twitter that Rip Torn had passed and expressed in her journal that she found him funny and a talented actor, she asked me about him in a text message. I told her I wasn’t a fan of his and haven’t been into celebrities since the '90s.

The copycat turns around and says she was never into his stuff and hasn’t followed celebrities since the 90s and early 2000s.

Really? Then why announce his death, praise him in your journal, and have a million fan accounts for a million different celebrities?

I can kind of understand the psychology behind those who strive to be the opposite of others, but I don’t get the copycatting. Does she think she’ll lose friends if she doesn’t agree with everything they say? With the opposite-doers, it’s all about rebelling. They get tired of feeling forced to conform to the norm so being different is their way of making a statement. One that says, see? I can be as different as I want!

I can see where someone that’s interested in someone may be tempted to pretend they like what they like and don’t like what they don’t like, but I’m not seeing why Kim feels she has to be that way. She does the same thing with Aly, but no matter how many times you try to explain that it’s okay to have some differences, it seems extremely important for her to be right in tune with you.

Twitter says they’re about to roll out some changes like account switching and night mode. First off, we already have night mode options, and I see nothing about things we could really use like editing tweets and choosing to make some private. They’re too all or nothing. I could use the account switcher, though, because Twitter is one of the few sites where I have more than one account. I have the one I share with Aly and Kim, one where I log when I get up, and the other is just for me for everything and anything. It’s sort of like a micro-journal. I was going to make it public and just not mention it to anyone since I didn’t see the point, but Aly would only find it, so I’ve protected my tweets. Besides, some tweets really are private anyway.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 10, 2019 Yesterday was the worst day of my life 5 years ago. Today we’ve been here 6 years. 5 more to go!

The lazy kid that lives here that Joy refuses to do anything about has come and gone three times in just two hours if even that.

Tired again today because again I slept shitty. Just kept waking up every hour or so. I don’t know if I can, because I’m tired, but I’m going to try to stay up as late as I can to push myself back onto days faster. The faster I get on days, the better I sleep.

Can’t figure out what’s going on at Ralph’s place. For a day or so there’s been a truck parked there with Oregon plates and a little trailer full of wood. I guess they’re replacing parts of the walls or floors since most of these places are getting old but it doesn’t say that it’s sold either. Maybe it’s a relative. If it was a flipper that bought the place, why would they stay there overnight and why wouldn’t the place say it was sold?

I just hope whoever buys it doesn’t have a loud vehicle! That fucking slacker punk is so loud I could feel the vibration beneath my feet in the bathroom when the damn cock went by. My God, when will its enabling parents push it out and make it get a life? They can’t be around for it forever.

Tom stopped at Whole Foods on his way home and got $10 to spend on Amazon Prime for doing so since they bought it, but the store is horribly expensive. He did say that there was this really cool-looking buffet in the middle of it so we’re both going to check that out sometime. I love buffets and it’s been a while since I’ve been to one.

TUESDAY, JULY 9, 2019 Changed the name of my current book to Dumping Davina and lowered my word count goal to 15K because it’s probably going to be a short story. Like one I’ll sell for $0.99.

Because I’m tired today I’m probably going to take the day off. Since lowering my word count goal, it takes some of the pressure off, even though I should still hit 20K before the end of the month. I just didn’t sleep well. Nothing woke me up. I just kept waking up a lot as I normally do when sleeping during the day.

The Wrong Sister has also been published. Maybe I’ll design some more covers tonight.

Why must being tired make me hungry? I don’t understand the connection. Tom is going to stop at Whole Foods on the way home tomorrow because he wants to try it out. I like to change up my smoothie and meal ingredients each week. All my fruit went to hell at the same time so I can’t wait until the weekend anyway. First-time shoppers get $10 to spend on Amazon.

Things have been feeling so much better down there since using the bidet regularly and not treating it as much. I don’t even use the Tacrolimus anymore. Just a dab of hydrocortisone every few days. Don’t know how long it will last but I’ll be enjoying it while it does!

While I would love to have a woman president for once and for all, I’m not sure about Kamala Harris because of the way she’s always talking about getting extra privileges and first dibs on things for her own kind, just as I suspected she would. I don’t want someone that’s going to favor their own and not serve everybody equally. I’ll still take her over Trump any day. Hopefully, women will respect themselves enough not to vote for him. Anyone who mistreats women should never be forgiven, made excuses for, or made amends with. It’s not okay for them to abuse women and it never will be.

Aly went from leaving me thinking she was dying in the hospital (does she actually want people to worry about her?) to blowing up my phone.

Facebook made my Nicole account as fake. Then again, I’m not sure what happened because everything was private there. I noticed the Account Switcher disappeared and when I tried to log into that account, they said they noticed suspicious activity on my account, asked me to insert a captcha and then provide a picture of myself. So was it hacked? Or did Facebook go through my private posts and not like what they saw?

I tried to see if I could look in on that account from my real account and I can’t, so they’ve got it locked. Decided not to bother doing anything about it. When the time comes and I know my days are numbered, I’ll create another account to post the story and message anyone who may still be around, and hopefully, Tom will do it if I can’t.

My only concern is that they might have fed me to the wolves just like Google once did, if it was about the story, but I’d guess not since I never sent anyone anything. The story was posted privately with the plan being that I would turn it public in the end. But I never got any notices about them selling me out to the pigs because they were subpoenaed for info or anything like that, but so what if they did? Just like last time, I know how to ignore anyone who thinks they can become my mommy and daddy and tell me what to do simply because of something I wrote… Especially when it was written in private and not shared with anyone. But yeah, someone hacked it or Facebook got a little nosy. I wasn’t about to give them my picture when I’m not Nicole Hammond and I can always create another account later on down the road.

Had a couple of dreams that might have been glimpses into other dimensions since they were plausible and not a series of crazy, senseless scenes.

In one dream, I didn’t know Tom, and Kim was still with Mark who she recently split from. For some reason, they both left their place while they were separated. Mark eventually went back to their place. Kim and I were talking about the situation and she decided not to return. I was glad to hear this because I was hoping she and I could get a place of our own together, knowing that she would be very easy to get along with given her easy-going personality.

In the other dream, we were living in a park in a manufactured home but it didn’t look anything like this. It was a 4-bedroom home that was set a little further back from the street and we weren’t on the corner either. The closest street was in front. We didn’t have anything running in back.

There were three bedrooms in front and one in back. The front part of the house had the master bedroom on one end, then the living room, then a couple of smaller bedrooms. I was in the master bedroom by the neighbor’s driveway, Tom was in back. I thought about sleeping in one of the inner bedrooms that were two walls away from the neighbors on the other side to see if it would be quieter.

MONDAY, JULY 8, 2019 After thinking about it, I decided that today is the day I’m going to say fuck it and go public. So what if any present or future neighbors find and read my blog/journal? So what if any present or future doctors read it? So what if any prospective park management or realtor reads it? It’s not like I’m sharing some top-secret information that could be used against anyone in the wrong way. :) I just won’t share the link to it publically on other sites. Gonna shut down Hula Dancer, too.

This way I not only have a place to share links to our books and apps, but I can make it easier on myself by sharing from one place instead of multiple places. Copying and pasting to half a dozen blogs, both private and not, and then having to go around and make any edits I later choose to make, gets to be a bit much at times. So I’m going to drop Blogger once again and do my public sharing on Prosebox.

And now some good news and that’s that Kobo published the first book I ever got published on Amazon!!! They even gave me an ISBN number and everything and the publication process was way easier than on Amazon. I totally believe without a doubt that Amazon wasn’t paying me for all my sales, especially since I’m far from the only one who has complained about that. Paul said to let him know how it goes on Kobo because he makes five times as much on Smashwords as he does on Amazon. Yeah, that’s because they’re not paying him fairly.

I might also branch out to other publishers as well like Smashwords and Lulu. I was on Smashwords a long time ago but then I pulled the book I had there off because we no longer had that bank account and I had other things going on at the time, so I wasn’t really focused much on that.

Had to resubmit my cover because I screwed up the design. With Amazon you would upload your cover and then on their site you would add text. With Kobo you need to design your images beforehand. So I’m picking images from free image sites and then overlaying the titles and my name and things like that before uploading them to the site.

The Wrong Sister will definitely be next. Those that have read this book tell me it’s my best yet so I’ll share the link once it’s available in their stores.

Got woken up once when the bud slipped and something loud zoomed by. Just 5 more years of having to jam things in my ear when I sleep, though, right?

Finally got a hold of someone and made an appointment to see Amy for a follow-up on August 14th. If all continues to go well, I’ll cancel the shrink for August 29th.

Got another precancerous spot on my chest most likely thanks to the bitch making me spend my summer days on the beach as a kid till she gave me up. Probably didn’t know this would happen, though. The woman wasn’t very bright and I don’t know if they understood the effects of sun exposure back in the '60s and '70s.

SUNDAY, JULY 7, 2019 The woman I thought was Kristy that Carolyn was pictured with that I asked about and didn’t receive an answer on wasn’t Kristy after all because she was tagged in other pictures by a different name.

Just for the hell of it, even though LG doesn’t let its users block numbers for some crazy reason, I tried the two numbers I found on ZabaSearch for Johnson but they were out of service.

Went to Goodwill earlier and found a couple of cute little fairies, but then accidentally dropped one, breaking off its arm so I didn’t get anything.

On the way back we stopped at a park near where we live that’s just past the golf course. I’ve been trying to think of places to go when I want to get out that don’t cost money and that wouldn’t have any tempting food we shouldn’t be having. So I thought, why not go to the park and enjoy the fresh air and swings? One is never too old for that, are they? But I don’t want to go play on the swings and slides with a bunch of screaming brats so we decided to go real early some morning, like maybe next weekend.

I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised that Bob was in construction because until they get too old to really have a steady hand like he’s gotten to be, they make shitty neighbors. They’re always working on some loud, annoying project and always outdoors tinkering with things. Jesse was in construction and he was that way and then there was that contractor down the street who moved a few years ago. If you want to listen to power saws and hammering and other things, then a present or former contractor is a great one to have for a neighbor.

I was thinking about a dream I had in 1995 of my maternal grandmother telling me to pick new dreams and goals when I was all upset about not being able to have the kid I thought I wanted. Ever since then, I’ve wondered about the dream and if it could have been her reaching out to me from the other side. I don’t know, but there was just something about it. I just don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the way she said what she said. This was just days after she’d been dead for 9 years.

I don’t know if it meant anything or not, but if it was her, then it proves there’s no hell. If a woman could abuse her two kids into becoming abusers themselves and not make it to hell, then I’d say Tom and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. It would also show that our dead loved ones know everything that’s going on with us. Not sure I care about that one, but I definitely wouldn’t mind knowing there was no hell even though I would prefer to know there was absolutely nothing instead. I don’t want to be in any kind of afterlife. I want to just be dead when my body is clinically dead.

Last night I had a dream I was comforting a 48-year-old woman who started to suffer the effects of perimenopause. I’m so glad mine has gotten better! The hot flashes are tapering off and instead of having them throughout my entire day, they’re coming at the end of my day.

SATURDAY, JULY 6, 2019 Figured out how to deal with my end-of-the-day boredom. I’m gonna fill in the time walking. I’m going to walk an hour earlier in the day just in case I don’t get so bored later on. But since I usually do during my last 2-3 hours, I’ll walk and do puzzles and watch shows at that time.

After pulling my ebooks off Amazon’s shelf when I, along with other authors, was being ripped off by “faulty” devices, I decided to submit a manuscript to Kobo. So we’ll see what happens! It’s the weekend, so I don’t know if they’ll have any readers around to go through it.

Very saddened to learn my bestie is back in the hospital again with another infection, cramps, bleeding, etc. Guess they’re trying to treat it with steroids. Never heard of infections being treated with steroids before. Really sucks that she’d just gotten out of medical debt and that she has to continue to suffer. Like Tom, she rarely swears, so when she said she fucking hates this, I knew it was pretty bad. Meanwhile, certain people go on with their perfect health and I know I should just shut up and be happy for them but it’s hard not to want to scream and shout, “No fair!” Kim and her perfect little 300-pound life whose worst problem is getting caught doing things she’s not supposed to do.

Looked in on Molly and was surprised she hadn’t tweeted in a few days. I know her birthday was on the 1st and she mentioned her mother being sick which I have absolutely no sympathy for whatsoever. She’s usually pretty consistent so my guess is that she changed accounts yet again.

Christine asked where my blog was these days and said she missed it. Decided to keep PB FO and reopen Blogger. Anything private I’ll share with Tammy on Facebook. I’ll keep it mostly generic and mundane in case any doctors or neighbors or anything like that stumbles upon it.

Maybe it was a waste of time, but I decided to say hello to Palma last night who is now a vascular ultrasound student. She really does like a variety of careers! She picked up my message but hasn’t replied.

Decided to run Johnson through ZabaSearch and was surprised to get hits in both Tempe and Phoenix with her first initial on one said to be 54 years old. I have a feeling it’s her, too. But she’s only a year older? I would have thought she was three or four years older. There are numbers listed as well. Thought about calling, but what would I say? “Hey, Johnson, remember me? Do you still flirt with female inmates? Are you even still a jail cop?”

With a last name that common, I doubt I’ll find out her first name, and even if I did, it would still be way too common. Sometimes I wish I had a common name as well and that I was a Mary Smith or a Kathy Jones.

So far, it looks like I definitely was over-treating myself because I’ve been feeling better these last few days. Had a little burning yesterday but an Ibuprofen took care of that. It definitely helps to use the bidet every time I go as well. I can see why people like them no matter what. It really does keep you feeling fresher and cleaner. We’re thinking of getting bidets for both toilets. If we really like them we’ll get one with a dryer in the next place.

The new boyshorts are comfy with one small exception. The seam on the left hip digs into my flesh a little.

I usually get wings or legs when I get chicken but last time around I got thighs and checked out some videos on different ways of seasoning them. I’m going to make one up later on with minced onions and garlic powder. Made one with paprika last night and it was okay.

Had a dream I was doing jury duty although I don’t know what the case was for. Some guy who worked for the courts was scraping what looked like caked-on dirt off of a footstool or something like that because it was supposedly evidence.

When I look down at myself and realized I was in a sports bra and a pair of shorts, I not only didn’t think that was appropriate for court but I wanted to change in case I was interviewed on TV. It turns out I was in luck because I brought my clothes with me, LOL, so I picked out a simple tank dress.

In real life, I never do jury duty. I tell them I have no faith in the system and it’s true, too. When your freeloading neighbors use their detective friend to lie, trick, deceive and manipulate you in every way possible and then falsify evidence that turns your life upside down before you’re vindicated with NO compensation and Mr. Piggy is given the boot, what do you expect? Lots of love and trust? Hardly!

It isn’t just what happened to me personally. My case was far from unique. People get beaten up and railroaded by the pigs all the time. I don’t think most people realize that more often than not, they’re not our friends. Sure, there are some that truly want to protect and serve but most are in it for the power play aspect of it. I once read that most people who get into law enforcement have anger issues and they choose that field so they can act out their aggression. Makes them feel big and in control and all that shit.

FRIDAY, JULY 5, 2019 Derm’s office left a message saying Amy wants to do a follow-up in 4-6 weeks. Why didn’t she tell me that when we talked a couple of days ago?

Don’t know if a follow-up would do me any good. This is either going to go away on its own or it’s not. If it’s not, I don’t see what else they can do for it that they haven’t already tried. So rather than call them back today, I’m going to take a few days to think about it and weigh the pros and cons in my mind. If Tom didn’t have to take any time off to bring me there and it was free, then sure, why not? After all, I went to them for help so I should probably follow through.

On the flip side, he does have to take time off and it does cost money, and I think I’m out of options regardless of what it is. As she said, they can’t be a hundred percent sure.

Also, part of cutting down the appointments is to stop making them in the first place. Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is by inaction. This is something that doesn’t always let me ignore it, but sometimes, not doing anything is better than trying to continually try to figure out how to fix something. I’d only have some other problem if it wasn’t this and that could be worse. If this does go away, I’m sure I’ll be replaced with some new long-term problem at some point. You know it always seems to be one thing or another and it’s always long-term. It’s never for just a few weeks or months.

For now, I’m taking her advice by changing undies throughout the day but every few hours is a bit extreme, so I decided 3 times is enough. After my shower at the beginning of my day, in the middle of my day, and before bed. I was having Alexa remind me 4 hours after taking my Levothyroxine to take my vitamins. Bumped that up to 8 hours so it falls in the middle of my day and that’s when I’ll change undies. This way I can do two things at once and will be less likely to forget.

Had mild burning at the end of yesterday and a little today, too. Using the bidet every time I pee instead of just once or twice a day. Tom’s guess is that after a couple of weeks without over-treating it, it will improve and eventually go away on its own. I hope so but my only concern is how long it’s been going on. Remember, I also have a little on my armpits. One pit doesn’t have any but the other has maybe one or two little red spots of irritation.

I racked my brain trying to think of all the different things that could be irritating me and another possibility, even though it doesn’t seem likely, is my shampoo. So now I’m making a point of leaning back when I rinse my hair and squeezing my legs together. That way any soap that does hit my body is going to hit my backside.

Definitely hope the dream I had is a sign that yes, I found the off switch to my anxiety! I don’t know where I was living, but in the dream, I had gotten up not too long ago and realized I forgot to weigh in. I started to tell myself it didn’t matter because I was never going to lose weight anyway. But then I said to myself no, I’m going to weigh myself. I figured out how to stop my anxiety and now I’m going to figure out how to lose weight.

In reality, there’s nothing to “figure out,” though. I’d have to have 1000 calories a day indefinitely to maybe lose weight and I can’t live that way. That’s just not enough food.

In another dream, Aly and I were somewhere outdoors lying on these couches that were facing each other, watching a large-screen TV. In order to forward past the commercials, you had to clap your hands or tap the ground. I was “clapping” through a commercial when Larry suddenly showed up and started tickling me playfully, making me laugh like a little kid.

Then there was some dream about trying to hold my schedule for a job and I was falling asleep, exhausted.

Lastly, I had a dream I was in a small room. I don’t know if it was a room in a building or a stand-alone place but it almost looked like a small studio apartment. There was a tiny kitchenette and a small room with a twin bed. The room’s only door was a slider and it was opened to allow in a beautiful breeze. I stepped outside which I knew to be the back of the place where a cat stood and gazed around me. I wasn’t in the city. I was somewhere in the midst of a countryside with lush rolling hills. The neighboring house was about 100 feet away if not slightly more.

Because the studio had no bathroom, I walked over to an outhouse that was about 30 feet away. I was disappointed to find that its wooden walls were gone and it now had these thin canvas-like curtains surrounding it.

I looked over at the neighboring property. My place was on the top of a hill. The land sloped down into a little valley and then rose again to where the neighbor’s place stood on top of their own hill. I saw a guy in his twenties to early thirties in a tux walking around the place. If he were a little further away I wouldn’t be able to tell he was wearing silver-rimmed glasses.

The land in back of the places also sloped downward and up onto other properties. I don’t know who was behind me but behind the neighboring property, I could see a house that was three or four hundred feet away.

Finally, I decided I wasn’t going to bother to pee because I didn’t think I had enough privacy with just the flimsy curtains billowing in the breeze.

THURSDAY, JULY 4, 2019 Dear contest throwers: You have congratulated me on 5 complete strangers’ wins this week (as if I had anything to do with them winning) and spammed the shit outa me. So, I think it’s time to take a break from sweeping for a while.

I was surprised to get such good news from Amy yesterday that I was practically in tears of joy! I do NOT have LS!!! No cancer or fungus of any kind was found either. Instead, they think it’s some kind of contact irritation. She said they can’t be a hundred percent sure, but she’s going to have the path report mailed to me.

When I asked her if it was okay to use a dab of hydrocortisone every other day, she said absolutely and that would actually help it. Less is better, she also said. Tom thinks I might have really had LS or something but that the kickass steroid cream my GYN first gave me killed whatever it was and that because I wasn’t a hundred percent better right away, I’ve been over-treating it ever since which is prolonging the irritation. I hope they’re both right and that this too shall pass!

For now, she’s recommended I wear all-cotton undies only and that I change them a few times a day, so even though I already have about 8 pairs, I jumped on Amazon and got a 12-pack of boyshorts. No more thongs for a while, especially ones that are satiny or made of nylon and other non-cotton materials.

I looked at my size 8 Fruit of the Looms which are not only too big on me but they’re 60% cotton and 40% polyester, so forget those. Size 7 fits me better, so I’m wearing the Fruit of the Loom boyshorts in that size, and I also have some by Hanes. I was never sure which one I liked better, so since I couldn’t make up my mind, I got both brands. The ones coming Friday are by Alyce.

She also recommended sticking with Free & Clear detergent and I ditched my feminine spray as well.

The only thing that doesn’t make sense is how long it’s been going on, which for the most part, has been ever since we came to this damn place. I swear it’s like this house has been nothing but a physical curse on me!

Wouldn’t it be too damn awesome if all in the same year I solved this problem, figured out the main triggers of my anxiety, and hit menopause? Sounds too good to be true!

I was surprised by a message from Christine yesterday as well. She said some former neighbor with a foot fetish had been stalking her and that’s why she hadn’t been on Facebook. She figured that staying away would drive the pervert away. Why she would go to such extremes is beyond me, though. Why not just block the person and go private? Why would you have to not use Facebook? That’s what I’d do anyway if I didn’t arrange to meet the person and tear them apart limb by limb.

Watched the parade with Bob and Virginia and finally learned what Bob did before he retired. I was surprised, too. I thought maybe he had been some kind of lawyer or something like that but he was in commercial construction.

Virginia raised 4 kids. Wow! Didn’t know they had that many. But that’s what women did back in her time. I am so, SO glad I wasn’t in my 20s in the 50s or 60s so I wouldn’t have to deal with being pressured to have any. Dealing with judgments and cutdowns for not driving due to my driving phobia and not working outside of the house due to a sleep disorder that’s totally out of my control was enough, but I eventually stopped dealing with it. Really, I won’t put up with that kind of shit. The older I get, the less tolerant I become. As soon as I hear any cracks about who or how I am, I’m gone! Yeah, nothing like accepting yourself as you are even if you don’t always like it while the rest of the world just can’t deal with it, LOL.

I should be up tonight for the fireworks at the lake. I’m not going to go down to the lake but I should be able to see some of them from outside.

After the parade, we ran out to Rite Aid where I got some shiny dangly earrings for the doll as well as a better set of toenails for her because they’re very sticky, don’t need to be glued on, and are a better size.

We also got some treats and I got a jar of polish remover.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 3, 2019 This cock not sleeping here while living here really gets to me at times. The little punk was in for an hour in the early afternoon and then came back from five to nine. Again, who the hell needs to see their parents every single fucking day? It’s like they want to annoy the neighborhood.

The urge to send an anonymous email to the office is there at times but I not only know it wouldn’t do me any good other than to vent but now I’m afraid to. if they figure out who I am, if they haven’t already, they’ll only spite us for it. Once again, just got to suck it up.

Kim found Hula Dancer. Damn! My last entry wasn’t even on the front page when she hit it so I don’t know how the hell she found it unless she was browsing through the pages of entries. There really is no hiding in public but Kim is dumb. So hopefully she didn’t put two-and-two together because then she may alert Aly to that account. I still don’t know that Aly isn’t having her search for me, copy and paste things for her, or somehow hacking into me.

Read an article about Ask users being redirected to scams and something about users being open to hackers. That may explain how Aly knew I asked certain questions she couldn’t otherwise know. There’s being smart and then there’s being smart. Aly always seems to know too much and I would be willing to bet that she knows a hell of a lot more about me, past and present, than I even realize. I don’t know how one can successfully hack that many accounts or possibly even my entire computer without Norton catching on or any other kind of alert built into certain sites like Facebook being triggered, but she’s got to be hacking some things because I just don’t see how else she could know so much.

I saw on Ask’s Twitter account that people are still complaining about the redirects. I still say Ask is deliberately redirecting people to cut down its users. Their servers are probably overwhelmed or something like that but they obviously have no intentions of fixing things if the last complaint was only days ago. I’ll stick to Curious Cat, dead or not.

I’m not going to ditch Hula Dancer but I’m going to make sure I definitely don’t mention Aly and Kim or use real names.

I would really love to be able to read Aly and Kim’s messages to each other. I’ll bet that would be quite enlightening and interesting!

Aly got home yesterday but all she did was sleep, she just told me. I’ll bet! She’s been in a lot of pain but says it’s getting a little easier. Meanwhile, 300lb Kim goes on with her perfectly healthy life.

I blocked every account of Kim and Aly’s that I know of from Hula Dancer, even though I know they can turn around and create new ones. I’m curious to see if Kim keeps returning.

My NaNo project is coming along well so far. I just wish I would stop getting this end-of-the-day boredom I often get. I have been struggling for the longest time to think of something other than the things I usually do every day to fill those final hours of my day when I find myself bored. It’s just that I’m 53 and not 8. I don’t find things new and exciting because I simply don’t see through the eyes of a child as I sometimes wish I did. If there’s anything I miss about being a kid, besides believing the adults knew it all, it was that I could really make things seem real. Playing pretend was so believable in ways that are just so silly and even kind of embarrassing at this age.

I have been looking for games that are similar to Sims that simulate real life but that aren’t so complex and damn near impossible to figure out. I just don’t know what else I can do but randomly wander around YouTube. I don’t want to join other chat or social sites. I don’t want to flirt with anyone. I don’t want to play games against others. I don’t know what I want to do. I just know there’s only so much writing I can do and so many puzzles I can do and things like that. If I do something too often, it will get boring.

Anyway, I’m now at the halfway point of the medication experiment. It’s still too soon to say anything for sure either way, and we may never know all the factors that caused my anxiety. I’m still going with perimenopause, medication brands and doses. Right now it’s looking good but it’s still too soon to know anything for sure. If I can get to August without anxiety, then the door to the mystery of what caused at least some of the anxiety will then be open a crack. It will be halfway open if I can make it to September and wide open if I can make it to October. Only then can I assume that yes, brands and dosages probably did have something to do with it.

TUESDAY, JULY 2, 2019 While some claims of racism are totally true and honest, I still believe the vast majority of them these days are either intentionally made up or seen in places where it simply doesn’t exist. I think society has become so brainwashed and so obsessed with focusing on the damn subject that they’ve become paranoid to the point that they’re reading things in that aren’t there. I’m still so fucking sick of hearing about it!!! When oh when can we obsess about something else for a change? Hell, obsessing about cockroaches would be a breath of fresh air!

Bastard just came in. His schedule is still unpredictable. All I know is that no one should need to see their parents every day, especially one that young. Shouldn’t he be working during the week and enjoying his youth on weekends at clubs, with friends, or at least a fuck buddy if not a GF?

Starting to wonder if they’re having him come in multiple times a day to spite the neighborhood since they know damn well that at least two of us have complained. Two households, I mean. So many people are like that, though. You complain about them doing something and they do it even more. Again, I could really kick myself for bothering to complain. People simply expect to do what they want to do no matter what and I should have learned to accept this years ago. There’s always going to be shit going on in the world we don’t like and that we can never change no matter what we try to do about it. We can’t simply complain away life’s annoyances and the world’s problems. Just got to suck it up. We won’t be here forever. Of course, we’ll just be listening to someone else wherever we go, but that’s just life.

The little shit came in at 3:30 yesterday afternoon and left two hours later. I knew two hours with its mommy and daddy would never be enough for it, and sure enough, I’m pretty sure I heard it come back in as I was settling into bed. The question is how it left without waking me up since I didn’t use the bud.

Aly had the fibroids removed and spent the night in the hospital. Found a message when I got up saying she had a horrible night with lots of pain and bleeding and wasn’t sure if she would be discharged today. Haven’t heard anything since then, so I don’t know what’s going on with her.

Sent Alyssa another message yesterday with my life story. I’m still in my childhood. Even if she never reads them, I still do like to write so it’s a fun way to fill in those moments of boredom I sometimes get. Maybe in 10-20 years, I’ll be surprised with an actual reply but I certainly won’t count on it.

Chapter 2 of my book Gone (I still don’t know if I like that title) is now over 2K words. I changed some character names earlier.

Tom doesn’t think Ralph’s place will go to a flipper because they’re asking $130,000 for it.

Got the silicone pot and dish scrubbers and they work great! I use them mostly for pots. Love all the different colors as well… Pink, purple, yellow, blue, orange, green and red. Wish I had these in the trailer! Love how they can be washed in the dishwasher too, and how they won’t get smelly the way sponges and washcloths do.

I’m still waiting on a call back from my dermatologist’s office. How long can it possibly take to analyze a piece of pussy?

MONDAY, JULY 1, 2019 It’s CampNaNoWriMo day! But first, I’ll update this journal.

Yesterday morning we went to Walmart which was a pain in the ass as usual. Music was blasting, the place got crowded fast, and no one would give us service when requesting vodka. They keep their hard liquors locked up, but pressing the button for help didn’t do us any good and neither did actually going and getting anyone, so I put the OJ back that I was going to make caramel screwdrivers with and grabbed a 1.5-liter bottle of Barefoot Merlot instead.

It was shortly after this that I learned that unopened wine only lasts 3 to 5 days in the fridge. Therefore, since I only have one drink a day, I’m going to cook with some of it and make a Merlot burger.

Did a small online order and if they don’t have the caramel vodka, I’ll go to a liquor store. Had to get some fungal cream anyway, which we couldn’t find in the store. So hopefully I’ll have those things at the end of the day, plus a few TV dinners for variety that I really shouldn’t have. I put back the few pounds I lost after binging for a few days but I know I can lose that much, so I’m not worried about it. I’ll lose it during the week.

We were going to change the privacy window cling in the laundry room from prisms to what looks like a stained-glass window with blue flowers, but I ordered the wrong size. Maybe I’ll find a use for it elsewhere.

I’m back to using the fleece liners for the pigs because the other stuff really didn’t absorb odors well at all. I’m still glad I found it because I can use it for the rats.

Entered about 100 sweeps that expired at the end of last month. No win dreams. I’m probably going to hang it up for a while because they simply take it as an invitation to spam people and I hate getting other people’s win notices, so I’ll be going around and unsubscribing from everything if I don’t get a win notice this week.

In about an hour or so, I’ll call to see if my biopsy results are in, but again, I’m not expecting to hear anything I want to hear. I’m not going to hear, “Hey guess what? It’s not LS! And it’s simple to cure.”

No, I’m going to be confirmed that it is LS and there’s nothing I can do about it that I haven’t already tried. It’s just something I’m going to have to suffer with on and off for the rest of my life.

[spacexfucker]

I still am not a fan of generative ai in the way tech Bros are wanting it to be used but I don't think it's as terrible as some people make it out to be. In that companies that do use generative ai get dogged for it constantly and lose a lot of credibility.

I remember some alternative clothing brand decided to use generated models for their clothes and they were fighting for their lives on multiple Facebook posts to defend it. Claiming at one point they didn't have the money for models which immediately made people ask if they had money for quality construction and high quality materials. So they had to admit that their clothes were not great quality in order to defend the "too poor for models" issue or say that their clothes were high quality and desirable and they were just cheaping out.

Most generative ai stuff you see that's out of this world still has "artifacts" and issues. The iterative capability is just not there for big things like videos and long-form writing. Those generated videos you've seen take a ton of processing power that most people just don't have at home. And the long-form (novel length) writing stuff is very obvious without a lot of extraneous editing and polish. And even then, it's disjointed.

I do think there are arguments to be made about human labor being used to power something else without credit or payment but that's just the fact for a lot of stuff people have enjoyed before generative ai. If you buy dropship stuff or fast fashion (which includes things from most stores you've bought from irl) chances are that you've bought something that was made by someone else for pennies. The industry bringing us Bananas and avocados etc has a big impact on the environment. Your phone and your computer and any electronics are using batteries with mined minerals collected with slave labor.

I feel like sometimes people get more upset about ai because it feels like it's effecting you personally more directly than other terrible things are. People talk about how artists and writers lose possible work, and that is true on a small scale, but that's not new. It feels closer to you because you are an artist or know one that maybe has the skill for something like a book cover or a music video and then you see generative ai and its like happening in front of you.

But when you bring up fast fashion (like shein) people jump down your throat about it. Suddenly everyone is too poor to not buy a 7 dollar crocheted sweater. Suddenly it's a human right to be fashionable. Because the distance between you and the damage that industry causes is much bigger.

This is not pro generative ai by any means but it's less pitchfork and stake burning than some people are because I see generative ai as yet another thing that people use that causes harm. It's not special. It's not a unique evil.

Even if you ignore "third world" tragedy (which so many do), the things you enjoy from inside the US (that are assembled or made or cooked here) are also products that exploit those who make them. The person making your coffee is not making a living wage. The girl at the checkout at target gets 39 hours a week so they don't have to give her health insurance. The walmart you get your grocery pickup from uses prison labor.

I guess I'm saying that people's principles aren't consistent. And with the way the economy is, they literally can't be. The solution to that isn't picking and choosing what to bully other people online for. Grand scheme of things, generative ai is just as likely to become something that can't be sustained. Chat gpt runs at a loss right now. People already don't want to pay for more ethical clothes, they aren't going to pay for a sort of mediocre generative service. At least not at a click high enough to cover cost.

People are trying to squeeze all the blood from this that they can before it turns to stone. And it'll cause harm while its big. But so does everything else. The change you want to see is not going to come from arguing with people using it for fun. It's exhausting you and making you miserable.

[1d1195]

Hi bestie boo!! Long time no chat I’m so sorry😭 I hope you’ve been doing well and class is too (if that has started)!

Hopped on here and immediately checked your page (as I do), and I lol’d at the forgetting-her-birthday trope you mentioned, because 3/4 of my bsfs forgot my birthday 🤣 and the one that did remember is one of those extremely unaffectionate ppl, so at midnight he hit me with a “ugh it’s your birthday so happy birthday I guess”😂 the others didn’t even text me until two days later when I made an fb post saying thanks for the birthday wishes. I do it like that bc it stresses me out replying to all the posts, so I just ♥️or🥰 all of them and make one post after. There’s only so many ways to type thank you 😂 but I literally teared up when I saw your post for me bc oh my god you’re the best 😭

Side note: I got the new lab job! I have a meeting with them on Monday, so tbd on what’s going to happen at that. But I’m excited! Especially since so much shit has been going down at my current lab 💀 not too excited for fall term to start lmao

-👩🏻‍🔬

Hi! I've missed you!

Classes have start. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by AP Calc. Can't remember some stuff. It comes back pretty easily but there's weird little nuances that I don't remember. Also have 0% recollection of how the exam works.

MEN ARE TRASH. Sorry. That's aggressive. I love my bf but that's so shitty about your bday. I know so many people who don't give a shit about their birthday and I swear it's because people don't hype them up enough. It's why I LOVE birthdays. I get what you mean about saying thank you on Facebook posts. I stopped wishing other people happy birthday on Facebook and now I get less posts I have to respond to. I try to text my closest friends when I want to wish them a happy birthday. I love celebrating bdays though. I love giving gifts. Probs more than receiving them. I love personalizing and thinking about how much I love the people in my life and getting something I think they would love. You're so sweet! I hope you had a great bday! 💕

LOVE THAT FOR YOU! Congrats!!! 🎉 I knew you were going to get it! What great timing if your current lab is having issues. What's on your schedule for this fall term? I'm sure you'll crush it!

Thanks for checking in! 💕

xoxo

[rewiredthethirdblog]

I just have to recap yesterday. Legit made 4 friends. And i wore the same hoodiend undershifr from bed nobody could tell lol. Pilling and all. So first tunza fun aaron lim born in 02' i think. Wmmt6 then he added me on his facebook. I remember his phone being so heavy lol shouldve commented but we were still talking cars etc. He was like whoa when i said i might be getting an 86 for 20k. Its like he couldnt believe i could drop that kinda money. I feel so cool thinking about it. But he also doesnt know im not going to finance it. 2014 model will be bought outright.

Then he told me id love deadpool x wolverine which i did came back booked it for 4:15 thinking itd have beyter seats but nope just like 3:30 at reading cinemas premium the next one also was full so picked an end seat second row from back. Girl there moved her cup cause yes I paid for my seat. Initially thought she was hot and she put her lip gloss on minutes into the movie in the way only a girl would do. And then she looked at me directly as i was giggling etc and then i looked at her a bit but we never locked eyes or anything she was with her family who were really cool but older kinda country vibes. She really warmed upto me only meaniute in then by the end of it she was practically waiting for me to chat her up etc cause she made her whole family stick around for end credits sequence whilstthe mum wanted to go. End credits was just swearing like a sailor funny as but expected more. I guess with how ludicrous the movie became it couldnt take itself seriously. I feel tho deadpool and wolverine is the perfect aussie marvel film. Two sarcastic etc idiots in it for our entertainment. I of course didnt want to ruon my deadpool experience so didnt utter a word but just enjoyed it all. Sat in my seat looked at my phone a bit and let the family go past me. I got up at very end and left last person to leave cinemas cause anxiety a little kicked in to make sure i got all my belongings in my bag. Checking multiple times. Anyways got out of cinemas her family outside bsthrooms looking at next films on the wall. She clesrly went bathrrom and i left for tunza fun again. Aaron lim wasnt there i messaged him but yesh long story short he said hell be there after film but ended up leaving at 5. Then i eneded up yalking to tunza fun lady there even more and wow. Every fiber of her was excited for me to be into her. Full smiles n helpful and so nice extra nice. Shed never correct me just help me further. Shes a total submissive.perfect grounds for a relationship. She had tits and ass too despite covering it up all in the outfit. So her body fills out nice.

Bought the best $4 end of specialz sandwhich chef chicken wrap in spinach wrap ever. So full and it was only a half piece!

I think it waz here then i Went back to reasing after esting it and the lines were empty so i waited asked about if they do reruns and got chatting to this girl. She was so nice little chat. She mentioned she saw mad amx fuross three times i said i dont belueve her haha. But she had to end the chat kinda early cause unknown to me the time.was getting closer and queues were getting fired up. What shouldve happened is another girl come out to server the other customers but nope lol. So yeah our convo cut short by way of circumstance. But i could tell how submissive she already was for me. Titght lil body this one tanned too. Dont think she had much tits or ass. I never got a look. She mightve had a nice body. She waz pretty enough faically for sure. And deff kind. I said thsnks n left. But mid convo this other girl. The temptress lets say. Could tell she was a cocksucker cause she looked me in the eyes and approved instantly of me. Surprised she didnt just tskeovef the convo then and there lol. Just approval. Teasing me to find her n fuck her she is.

Then went to kmart n saw a blonde brown or black girl almost a model kinda like the best calm curious confident jessica alba vibes. I felt instinct to turn around with my glasses. And she made eye contact with me. We both like each other. Even from a good 10m distance. Store was closing early over the speakers so.. Had to get something from kmsrt. Not enough time. Got myself size 8 black sandals because this msterial i tend to slip n slide in so small is better should be good as for house runs strapped in af too. Took it to slef checkout she felt something for me i waited in line she kindly let me know register was open. Its like she didnt wanna see me in pain of waiting. She felt me deeply and yet she didnt evej show it. I just bought it and left. A girl loves it when a guy wants her but doesnt need her. I expressed that by not turning around then. I went out of ksmrt with my shoes. Forgot about buyin a bag. back to sandwhich chefs asked the fella if it was closed got myself yhe potsto scslops for six. Amszing deal. Havent esten and at the tike of this writing i went to bed so esrly its still unopened epic brekky tho!

Anywho i went into tunza fun as i had an idea. Told the hotnicecutesexymytype lady to scan my card. No funds. Told her that my card i scanned it twice so.. Machine took all yhe credits. I asked do the machines do that? She gsve me a free game. Haha she also had to embarass herself cause she scanned two old style tunza bluedot cards and apologised then realised she needed a new style card. (yup I had given her my old style card somehow when explaining my case but it crossed neither of our minds only this morning i relaised lol)

So she after several minutes got back nd gave me a free game new swipe. So cute how she literslly there to serve me submissively. She plays the submissive part well. She knows shell get dicked down later. And my cum in her horny lonely mouth. She knows ill.molest and cum in her so much shell love it.

Anywho maori skinny chad lookindude and his fst gf and lil bro in the wheels i versed them. Was fun. Lil banter but i guess he wasnt used to making new friends cause he wasnt open much. But we all enjoyed. Think he just wanted us to add each other on the phones asap mostly. Thats why he whipped out his phone middle of the race. But dude lookex like a chsd. Anywho i gave his evo some bashin eith my z and he gave back but he n his lip bro totally was racing clesn i had to be the dirty one i wsnted to spice it up i had to make it interesting. He won the free game and hes soft spoken cause i didnt even hesr what he was saying but yesh his lil bro who i congratulsted on the win won and he got up and then maori chad got up and took a seat for the free game. I didnt know what to do so left lol. I coupdnt tell if he didnt wsnns break character in front of gf or was just shy but i had to go lol. Already made too many friends anywho but bet bro wouldve been chill af to know fr he seemed like 24 and such a good dude. With his kinda pedo glasses but if he didnt wear em hed look a stud. I just couldnt believe his gf was so fat n dark next to him must be true love. Her fsce waz pretty tho id fuck her only if she dropped 50kg. But id never think of doing that to him. Just saying for context why is he clearly dating down. Her bigness must be nothong compared to the love n cooking she gives him ig.

So i took my potsto scallop contsiner off the arcade dahsboard (which was wrspped nicely so couldnt tell what it was.) and took my shooes and greeted the hot lady wiping the floor near the entrance. Her so clesrly bending over down to me acting all sublissive for me. Id ssy shes round 28 max but maybe even 23. Walked back to get in the car but also saw people still queuong up so ssturdsy cinemaz always busy for wolverine eh!

Also gotta love how old employes of tunzafun and reading cinemas especially were all replaced by even younger and hotter girls. So hot the girls in reading esp. There was like 4 or 5 girls i saw working there. All petite didnt find a single one who couldnt be my type. The tall ladys mustve quit or found boyfriends lol. Im remebering the "pornstar latina" type of girl who came out to see who the man was chstting up this nerdy skinny nice girl. She instsntly gave me the nod and eye contact of approval. And went back in. She wanted me. Lil seductress. She knew im fuckin hot dressed like this even. My beard trimmeed not exactly small but styled nicely like wolverines n my hair messy kinda like a wolverine too. But either wsy you know sluts would still do me in this outfit even if my beard was bigger n a mezz n looked bad to me. The color contrazt of my skin n hair n outfit is hot af enough to cum in thier mputh repeatedly. Lol

So glas i wrote this up. Its past 8am now. Think i started at 730am.. Or before. Gotta go clean uo my lower half snywho. Ill edit this later but hsppy to relive it first thing in morning snd some in my dreams. Morning is perfect time to document the previous dsy.