#I love thinking about her psyche and analyzing her pov

[alieneyedcow]

Calypso's island

[twiggyrogue]

Crazy Ex Girlfriend reading that no one has asked for but I've been thinking about it! but it's about whats up with the songs that Rebecca isn't present for (and some solos that she is but that just makes it confusing)! Because there's a lot of different interpretations of it, and I want to just put out mine

For me, the songs that Rebecca isn't there for aren't in her head, they are in the singers' minds. In the world of the show, especially with songs like "Hey West Covina," "Thought Bubbles," "I Go to the Zoo," (and plenty more), Rebecca absolutely doesn't know the inner thoughts being shared in those numbers. We know she is still projecting onto them from other songs from around those times- "Settle for Me", "Ping Pong Girl", "Strip Away My Conscious" (the first two are putting words in other character's mouths, the third spells out her impression of him pretty clear.) Rebecca doesn't know their struggles, that's why they are singing them to us, the viewers!

They're singing because it's the language that the show, "Crazy Ex Girlfriend" uses to share large emotions and inner thoughts. Yes, it's also the diegetic way Rebecca sees the world, but since her POV is the primary view the show, that's how the viewpoint remains. Despite this, even though Becks is the main character, CXG still goes out of its way to develop and explore character when they are outside of her, to show that none of them are exactly perfect narrators.

I think saying that Rebecca is the one choreographing their personal vignettes- retroactively, after she learns about them- weakens them and puts too many filters over the ideas in the songs. Because then it makes every song actually about what she thinks someone's breakthrough is about. Lets be real, she never had and will never have enough thoughts about George to formulate "George's Turn."

If this was a much more experimental show- which, it already is, but even moreso than normal- everyone would have their own interpretations of their psyche, like Nathaniel's romcom episode. Like, say for "Trapped in a Car" maybe Rebecca is singing in her head, but Paula is imagining a really shitty filler part in a romance novel where the side character she does not care about has way too many lines. They'd be saying the same thing in different mediums, but in the show, they just converge into one song.

CXG is musical comedy, written by comedic musicians and sold with the idea that each episode has a song. And as a medium, musicals are fundamentally fantastic at doing this introspective character work! The changing of genres for certain characters is already an insight on how to read them, which makes it a joy to analyze. It's a format that really, really works for a show that wants viewers to empathize with everybody in the cast. The show needs to use "Rebecca's worldview" on other characters because that's the kind of show it is!

imo it's such a neat move that the writers decided to explore how the introspective and emotional medium of musicals could work as a coping mechanism and I love it! But, if anything, making the main character literally have vivid mental music numbers does confuse the use of them in any other place when they're played more narratively straight lol

[katy-kt-katie]

Diana at the Gunmen’s

Fictober Day 24

What if Diana took Gibson’s scans to the gunmen instead of Scully, in “The End”

Tried to keep the critical dialogue on the same topics (when Scully asked about Diana in ep, I had Diana ask about her in this fic…had same gunman answering with similar details)

CW: Diana POV

********

“I have to disappear for a bit,” Scully said, entering the hall of the Psych Hospital.

Diana sensed Scully was on to something and wanted to know what it was, so she feigned niceness, “Agent Scully, you are doing so much,” she smiled. “Let me help you. Where are you headed?”

“Oh, I…”

“Let me help you,” Diana reassured, putting a comforting hand on the little red head’s shoulder.

“I was going to take Gibson’s scans to a few of Mulder’s friends. I can take care of it.”

“The Gunmen?”

“Yeah,” Scully turned to study her. “I guess you may know them from when you worked with Mulder before.”

“Of course. Are they still at the same little shack just West of Downtown.”

“Yep,” Scully nodded. “That’s the one.”

“I’ll take the scans. You stay with Gibson. He likes you the best anyway. He actually told me that,” Diana said. It was true, Gibson saw right through to Diana’s hidden agenda.

“Okay, I guess.” Scully said, handing the scans to Diana.

**********

Diana rang the buzzer; waited and then rang it again.

“Okay, hang on,” a familiar voice said over an intercom, “I’m coming.”

“Is somebody going to let me in?” Diana said.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…coming, coming,” the voice said.

Diana heard about seven locks click and was then greeted by Melvin Frohike who looked exactly the same as he had about a decade ago.

“Diana Fowley? It’s been…”

“A long time. Hi Melvin.”

“Sorry, you caught me getting ready for bed,” he teased as he stood in his pajamas. “Come in.”

“Thank you.”

“So…you are back?” Frohike said.

Byers and Langly made their way into the main room, after hearing someone at the door.

“Diana Fowley?” Byers said.

“Yes. Hi John,” she nodded and then turned and nodded again, “Richard.”

“I need you guys to help Agent Mulder and I by looking at these brain scans. Analyze the data.”

“Okay, we can help, but you said you are working with Agent Mulder?” Frohike said, placing the brain scans on an illuminated table.

“Of course,” Diana replied.

The three men looked at each other confused.

Byers giggled nervously, “What about Agent Scully?”

“Agent Scully?” Diana repeated, sighing.

“Yes,” Langly said, defensively.

It appeared this woman, Agent Scully, had admirers in Mulder’s friends too. Diana thought she ought to show interest in her if she hoped to have the Gunmen help her.

“Yes, of course. Agent Scully is helping too.”

Diana reached and flicked the light switch off behind the illuminated brain scans. “First, I want you guys to tell me about Agent Scully…since she is new at the FBI since I was last in Washington.”

“Scully?” Byers said and continued. “Mulder talks about her all the time.”

“So, you know her?” Diana asked.

“Yeah. She comes over with him a lot,” Byers continued.

Frohike jumped in, “She’s been Mulder’s partner now for,” he paused, clearly thinking, “almost six years. She’s incredibly smart and very beautiful.”

“They seem to be very close…” Diana said.

“She was there when the X Files were taken from him; never left his side; has saved his life several times. And she has an undergraduate degree in physics and is a medical doctor.” Langly said.

“He was there for her recently when she had a significant health scare. I always wondered why they haven’t gotten together, they are clearly in love.” Byers said.

Langly nodded in agreement.

“I still think they are already doing it…just don’t want people to know.” Frohike added, and winked at Diana.

Flustered, Diana shrugged and turned the switch to illuminate the scans. Her assignment: to get Mulder to choose his biological father and the Syndicate, was going to be much harder than she bargained for.

“Well why don’t you boys see what you can find on the scans and let me know,” she said. Leaving before they could see anymore of her frustration.

[nabrizoya]

honestly would LOVE to hear your thoughts on the nikolai duology because i really only see blanket praise or blanket hate for it whereas I see a lot of wasted potential. Bardugo's actual writing was beautiful as ever for the most part, but the choice of the plot/beats feels baffling to me. I love Nina, but her parts felt so separate from the rest of the book until the very end, and even that felt off. I liked the first 2/3 of KoS enough, dealing with the monster, political tensions, 1/2

and even the cult of the starless saint was at least interesting because dealing with people trying to rewrite the narrative of their greatest enemy (who hurt these young leaders in deeply PERSONAL ways) was really compelling (making him literally come back was. a choice) but I feel like somewhere in the last third, KoS went in a wholly differeent direction, and RoW has this vibe of feeling like she definitely wrote it after reading the show scripts or even seeing some footage. idk. 2/2

I will try to be brief (1/12)

Hey anon! Thank you so much for asking this even though it took 38756588247834 years to answer this I’m so sorry !! The Nikolai duology was good—wonderful too maybe because of the myriad of themes and topics it discussed and explored, all in addition to how beloved these characters are. For me, it’s the end of KoS as it is for you, and the entirety of RoW in particular that irk me the most.

I have very little issue with KoS, and I agree with everything you’ve said. The political tensions, the sort of urgency in trying to secure a country at the cost of personal reservations, preparing for a war that seems unforgivably near the door, etc. was all thrilling. After all, it is the first installment in the duology, and it’s supposed to set the course for the upcoming books.

KoS managed to introduce the stakes and the circumstances, lay the rails for what the characters will face and what it might mean to a vast set of entities connected to the events. And it’s hardly out of sense to expect Rule of Wolves to pick up where the previous book left off and carry forward the themes and plot points introduced in the first book.

Except, RoW failed spectacularly in that aspect.

Rule of Wolves: the second book, and the supposed finale to the Grishaverse and the Nikolai duology; it fails to continue the other number of threads that KoS set up for it, effectively compromising the characters, their characterizations, the themes and other political tensions and stakes. The due importance that should be given to the heavy set of topics that get brought up in the povs are not through, nor are the small details that Leigh added to the conversations evolve into something worth talking about, which are the actual points that could have been given some more page time to explore than just making them facts or points of nostalgia for the characters.

If you take a step back and analyze the whole timeline, events, characterization, objectives of the arcs and the plot points etc. etc., all the way from Crooked Kingdom to Rule of Wolves, there’s so much that is left out and tied in, quite haphazardly, which leads me to believe that Leigh wanted to attempt writing a duology that is more plot-driven than it is character driven. And we know that Leigh writes character driven stories brilliantly, and SoC, CK and TLoT are testament to the same. Heck, even TGT has more consistency than whatever TND has.

So, objectively? Plot possibilities? Characterization? Potential? Personal goals? Addressing the very serious themes it brought up, in little or major light, but give no proper elaboration about them?

The lost potential readily compromised the characterizations of many characters, and it all amounted to their arcs being very underwhelming.

I’m dividing this into four parts and here’s the basic outline.

Writing and Plotting

The Plot, Possibilities and Potential.

Characters, Characterization, Character Potential.

Remedy (what I think would've worked better to tie this all up)

This can get very looong, so be forewarned.

I. Writing & Plotting

Now, Leigh Bardugo’s writing is exceptional, no doubt. The sentences are short and flowy, and convey the tone, psyche, environment and the setting and its effects on the pov character marvellously. It's also immersive. It’s the same in Rule of Wolves, except, a little or a lot weaker.

The two main parts of this is that one, that Leigh slightly overdid showing a lot more than telling, and two, that the RoW (and perhaps KoS too), was more plot driven than character driven, the latter of which is actually Leigh’s strength.

In Rule of Wolves, Leigh’s writing seemed very choppy and snappish. The descriptions were lacking, or maybe that’s just me wishing for more internal conflict and dilemma, and going back and forth in one's own head for a bit. It felt like she showed more than she told.

Example being how Zoya ‘snaps’, ‘drawls’, ‘scoffs’, or ‘scowls’ less, and even if that’s supposed to be show Zoya beginning to be a little less unpleasant than she usually is, the tone in those chapters was not strong enough to distinguish how and why the character was acting a certain way. Nor pinpoint an explanation on what brought that change about. (And there were many instances like this with many other characters), which resulted in the characters themselves feeling so off to me.

Leigh’s characters are important to the story. They carry tremendous weight and actively contribute to the plot. Except, by focusing a lot more on the plot, some parts of these characters’ relevance was not up to the mark. It is greatly due to how weak the plotting and pacing of the book was, tbh, more than just her writing.

Consider: Mayu Kir Kaat. She is integral to the story, but she is thrust into responsibilities, and that doesn’t give us much time to see her as a person, and then as a person with a duty, like we see with most other characters. Whatever parts of her we did see were very circumstantial and timed, which is probably the reason why not many we’re unable to appreciate Mayu as much as we should. (Maybe fandom racism also plays a part, so, well,,,).

Like, we know from Six of Crows and with The Language of Thorns, how great care went into describing the characters’ state of mind, which further heavily influenced their choices and decisions. This time though, I think she wanted it to be more plot driven, hence the whole crowded feeling of the book and general worry about oh my god too much is happening, how will all this be solved and all that.

And this, I think, greatly hampered Leigh's writing, leading to unsettling and rather unsatisfying character arcs. Not to mention that there was quite little space given for the characters to develop or let them grow in a satisfying way which touches on most of the elements and themes that get brought up with regard to their powers and potential,,, and when it was indeed brought up, it was all in vain since they were never followed through.

That's one of the biggest problems for me in RoW: Plot points brought up in KoS were not brought forward in RoW.

II. The Plot, Possibilities and Potential.

Phew. Truly buckle up because this train has too many coaches. And to discuss them all, let’s keep the starting point as Crooked Kingdom.

a) Parem

Now, by the end of Crooked Kingdom, we know some important things about the parem.

It's dangerous asf for the Grisha who have to sacrifice their will and capabilities for a short time superpower high that they didn’t even ask for

Which means they are more often than not forced to consume the drug

Shu Han is the creator of the Parem and are also creating a new kind of soldiers called Khergud (who additionally require Ruthenium, but we’ll talk abt that later)

Fjerda snatched the formula after kidnapping Bo Yul-Bayur, keeping him away in the Ice Court and in their possession, and used the Parem to further their own heedlessly heinous agenda

I think it’s easy to understand how KoS started off on the right track, considering that Kuwei Yul Bo is mentioned, the antidote and jurda is brought up and so come the political tensions alongside it (what with the impending war, the demon, the lack of funds in the coffers and security and peace for the country alongside safety for the Grisha).

The point is, parem is a character of its own. CK was its inception, and its fate was decreed along with its lifespan and its doom. Ideally, by the end of RoW, parem should have been vanquished while addressing its nature as a deadly drug, the addiction and aftermath, and the key person who will guide the plot: Kuwei Yul Bo.

Parem is a political tool that pitted countries against each other, making one another their allies or enemies. (Though parem is not the only one factor). Ravka doesn’t yet know about Kerch’s neutrality. The Shu made their move to assassinate in the end, just as Fjerda cleared the air about their goals.

Point is, parem is weapon, a new kind of warfare that keeps getting alluded to in KoS. The first book gave a glimpse of how the Shu and Fjerda are using parem, thereby exploiting, prejudicing etc. the Grisha in their countries. Khergud whose humanity is washed away with parem + ruthenium, and the Fjerdan Grisha (are targeted) drugged and exploited while be subjected to torture, training and imminent death, parametres of these outcomes being severely gendered.

Ravka too wanted to weaponize it and create a usable strain that would still give the Grisha their powers but at a minimal cost, until Nikolai’s conversation with Grigori convinces him out of it and to use only the antidote for the Grisha.

And when are the contents of this conversation brought up again?

Never.

Another aspect of parem (that the conversation also covers) is this: that what was once merzost, parem is its strange cousin. Parem parallels breaking the bounds of Grisha norms unnaturally, while merzost takes it a step further to break the bounds of nature itself, which comes with a heavy price. They're both the same with little differences. Amplifiers are in tune with this discussion, hence the conversation between Zoya and Nikolai about how, and whether or not the abomination in him, the parem, and the amplifiers are tied together. This gets brought up again in the conversation with Grigori.

Parem parallels the superpowers, something that Zoya too manages to achieve once the corruption of the amplifier business is resolved, which makes her realize how in tune with nature the Grisha must be, and how limited the Grisha powers until then had been. And why the amplifiers were a corrupted piece of magic.

Zoya was supposed to be the conduit in that sense that she reversed the Grisha norms and understood the importance and nature of small science. This is alongisde parem getting abolished or resolved in the least, be given a redressal.

Yet instead in RoW, we barely see any of Zoya’s powers, nor even her experimentation and hunger for power which would give her protection. We don't see how she begins to realize that while power was indeed protection, it was also a responsibility. Not clearly, anyway.

So like, not only is this entire discussion thrown away in Rule of Wolves, but no matters are resolved either. Parem did not reach its end like it was supposed to. Merzost with regard to parem would have been an excellent thing to address, with or without the Darkling being present, because the blight is there. But that doesn’t happen.

What happens instead? We get one chapter of Grisha getting the antidote during the face off at the start of the book, the women in Fjerda are not brought up again and instead we jump to Shu Han. Kuwei is also conveniently forgotten because hey, the Zemeni are here so it’s all sorted!

RoW could have (should have actually) sought to address both the political and medical (?) aftermath and implications. Maybe it did succeed in showing the political side of it, with regard to Mayu, Ehri, Makhi and Tamar’s storylines. But that’s only in Shu Han, whose state of affairs we had NO idea of until RoW. No idea, so much that it was completely out of the blue.

And what we did know (get to know about in KoS) is Fjerda and the affairs there remained… unsolved.

(...sorry).

b) Grisha Powers

Re: From the conversation between Nikolai and Grigori, and Juris and Zoya, about how parem and the amplifiers are parallel to each other in terms of being abominations, a corruption of Grisha powers. Now the theory of it is not entirely explained, but we do know that the parem and whatever Zoya learnt from Juris was meant to move along in the same direction.

But we don't see another mention of it, except maybe we could dig a little deeper and realize that it all adds up because Zoya is the Grisha Queen of Ravka, Summoner, Soldier, Saint, all of it rushed and unnecessarily magical in a war so dire and realistic in RoW.

Welp.

c) Spy business

Just… genuinely what even was Nina up to in RoW? A spy, sure, but only to garner information on the pretender?

Why couldn’t there have been two responsibilities for her to uncover: the lies or truths about the pretender while the Apparat causes hindrances, and Nina trying to seek out more documents of the locations and labs where the Grisha women are being tormented and the other Grisha being weaponized? It could have been a leverage to discredit Fjerda in front of everybody in the Os Kervo scene. Imagine if Nina whipped out the documents of Grisha labs and brought the truth of the exploitation and killing and kidnapping etc. in front of the convention of all nations. All of it together would have upped the political tensions by quite the notch.

Even then, there’s a possibility that it wouldn’t matter either because the Grisha aren’t exactly valuable to all the nations. But killing and exploiting is still wrong so maybe it might have worked? Or see, even if it wouldn’t have, the slow and sluggish realization of Mila’s identity by Brum, and alongside writing it as a tragedy where Nina’s efforts seem to have gone to waste, or where Nina is telling Zoya about not accounting for Prince Rasmus’ word and she informs her about the documents she has snatched? Something could have been done here?

The point is, KoS focused on Fjerda and its unraveling, and it wasn’t continued with and through in Rule of Wolves. Instead it sought to find the problem in a whole new country, Shu Han, and fixed it within the same book leaving the other country as it is.

d) Ruthenium and the Blight

Ruthenium, the metal that is an alloy of regular metal and Grisha made steel, could have been utilized more significantly in the books.

I mention it in association with the blight because while on one hand it is true that the blight is an area full of nothingness, ruthenium as a metal could have been utilized to show the effects of rushed industrialization that is leading to the ground losing its essence. This is supposed to be advanced warfare after all. Besides, Makhi loses someone very dear to her. Perhaps ruthenium is more dangerous in Shu Han because the Shu use it to create the khergud, so the constant manufacturing of it has been leading to the metal leeching the lands of their fertility, along with the blight.

And so also to broker peace, Ravka could have provided aid in some ways. :

1) The Darkling sacrificed himself, as a result of which the blight vanishes. While the blight took away her niece, the possibility of a blight persisting despite the ending of RoW could be attributed to ruthenium.

2) Ravka could provide the reversing effect to the alloy of ruthenium and metal using Grisha and otkazt’sya engineering and ingenuity to replenish the lands.

All in addition to whatever will be Shu Han’s policies to bring lushness to their lands.

e) Women and War:

Holy fucking Shit, where do I start with this?

Whatever we saw in Fjerda was haunting, and we see it from Nina’s chapters. There’s literally no resolution for it, nor is it ever brought up again, at all. In Zoya’s chapters, we see through her eyes the brunt that Grisha faced with the war, and in a country that has refused to recognize Grisha as the citizens and considers them expendable.

Add to it her own narrative of how the women are never mentioned, let alone the ones that she has lost or has known to suffer, at the hands of the war, at the Darkling's torture and powers. The description of these women suffering, often being forgotten and thrown aside as mere casualties… where or when was it ever going to be brought up again?

Like, switching between such horrifying things happening in Fjerda to whatever was happening with Zoya and Nikolai and Isaak is such a contrast, horrifyingly demeaning and insulting, even more so when it failed to align with the importance of parem and offer a solution to both these problems.

Now switch to Rule of Wolves, where the Tavgahard women immolate themselves on Queen Makhi’s orders. Not only is that such a cheap and insensitive thing to do, it gets treated a simple fucking plot point in the book, and it barely gets addressed afterwards. Women in Asia have a vastly complex and complicated history with fire, and this is a serious criticism that culturally affects readers in personal ways. And what gets done about it? Fine, Zoya feels baaaad, sorry oops why would the women do that?!?!?

Where is the adequate sensitivity to the topic? Where is the continuation of the pain Zoya feels for many people, despite them being the enemy? How does she honour them? Where is all that dilemma and pain? Why does she not think of them or just get a line or two to talk about them?

Where is the due importance for this suffering given? Structurally and culturally?

f) Soldier, Summoner, Saint / Yaromir the Great

We never really get any explanation for why Zoya deserves to be the Queen, and why she is the best. But we do get to see why Nikolai isn’t the one supposed to be on the throne, and it’s not just because of his parentage but also because of his failings and doubts and the need for acceptance with the secrets he carried.

Here's the thing though; it’s not just about her showing mercy. It’s very subtle, and in good sense, should actually have been given a little bit more importance that be loosely brought up at random times.

Keeping aside the fact that Zoya is representative of Ravka—a woman, a Grisha, a Suli girl who changed the course of war and who knew what it was like living in poverty, being as an underprivileged person of the society in addition to the trauma from then and the state of living at her aunt’s place—which is meant to be covertly apparent, the other reason tracks back to Yaromir the First, who with the help of Sankt Feliks of the Apple Boughs—the one who raised the thornwood—lead Ravka at that time into the age of peace.

The Darkling testified that in his POVs, that while Feliks and Yaromir worked in tandem for Ravka, Aleksander worked for safeguarding the Grisha. In one sense, Zoya is supposed to reflect that moment in history in the present moment, except she is Queen and Sankta, and Grisha, all three at once.

It is brought up in one of the Darkling’s POVs and once in the conversation with Yuri in KoS. Other than that, we never actually get any more hints of this explanation in the text, which is the reason why the entire ending felt so so rushed, and like a fever dream, that even if it was a plot twist, it was kinda very baseless when it should have been more ohhhhh sort of a thing.

g) The Starless Cult and Saint Worship

This cult had immense potential to blossom into many things, some of which were indeed touched upon in KoS when Zoya says that she saw a bit of herself in Yuri, and brings up time and again how easily she’d been led and had not been aware enough of what’s right and wrong, just as she supposes Yuri is too. And to some extent, there is truth there, because in the Lives of Saints, we do see why Yrui comes about to hail the Darkling and how it parallels Zoya’s, of being helpless and ten being saved by a different power/ their own power, respectively.

That’s where it forks, that Zoya is older and realizes the path that Yuri has chosen and understands that it won't happen until he realizes it himself because the Darkling’s crimes are so obvious.

Even then, there’s still more potential: This cult could have been the mirror that would make Zoya reflect on the questionable methods of the Darkling, and the ways in which she might be mirroring them, despite or not it is the necessity because of the war. How she is training soldiers too, just as the Darkling did, and while the need to take children away from their homes just as soon as they were discovered Grisha was abolished, it was war, and they needed soldiers.

So like, there’s quite a big narrative going on here, how mere children are pushed into one path of becoming a soldier and the whole system that was that the Darkling followed to train the Grisha and all of that. All of this in addition to the juxtaposition to the Grisha being seen as elite despite them being hunted, and the people who are not Grisha frowning upon them. This is also the work of the Darkling, which actually paves the way to see how there can be a world where the Grisha are not feared or seen as abnormal, despite or not they are given a Saint-like narrative.

This cult could also have been the segue to discussing Yuri and his brainwashing, and the sort of cult-ish behaviour of believing in something firm when you couldn’t believe in yourself, or not seeing the magnitude of the crimes of their supposed Saint, alongside always staying focused on becoming a soldier only and never actually thinking beyond what is told.

Some of these are very subtle and some are brought up, but never given too much of an explanation.

Genya brings up another good point in the funeral chapter, about how Fjerda seemingly taking into the whole Saints thing could mean that if the Darkling moved there, he could very well sprawl his influence there to bring in supporters. Which leads to another discussion that gets brought up towards the end of the book: about Nina telling about the Ravkan Saints to Hanne and therefore to the Fjerdans,,, which doesn’t exactly sit right with me. It’s still a very nascent topic, and I think SoC3 will explore this path of faith and personal beliefs etc. but leaving it just there, while talking so much about Saints in both the countries,,, don’t exactly know how to put it into thoughts here.

But regardless, the cult of the Starless had different potential to talk of (blind) worshipping of an ideal without critically examining why the person must be put on the pedestal in the first place (and if it is simply power, then there is actually a narrative right there, which RoW gets right, about the people valuing the power still, as a result of which the monarchy still persists at the end of RoW. Even then, there’s more discussion awaiting there).

Not sure if any of this makes sense, but I’ll leave it at this here for now.

edit: 05/07/2021 | I think what I was trying to say here is that we do not have any kind of narrative evidence to seeing how and why it seems right that the Fjerdans will worship Ravkan Saints; is it merely because they are all Grisha? Or is it because of the segue explore this path of faith and personal beliefs and all of that, of the talk of the monastery and the Grisha there being of all identities, that a monastery is in Shu Han, that it has Djel's sacred Ash tree so far away from Fjerda... much to think about.

III. Characters, Characterization, Character Potential.

Mostly going to be about Nina and Zoya, but I’ll bunch up the rest of them at the end.

a) Nina

*head in hands*

I severely mourned how poorly Zoya was written in RoW, but then I realized that more than Zoya, it’s Nina whose potential was severely undermined and wasted. On one hand, I’m glad she uses her powers and quick thinking,observation and her own tactics to analyze the population and opt for the best way to make them see the truth she wants to show them (eg: making Leoni and Adrik and Zoya saints and also showing that the Grisha are the children of Djel via people’s belief to Joran and Rasmus’s mother).

But then, it’s like you said; her parts were so offbeat and outpaced and completely disjointed, when in fact, Nina is the thread that ties all the characters, their plotlines and potential, together. Nina is connected to Zoya and Hanne, two equally important characters and main characters of the duology. Whatever scope Nina has, they are greatly in parallel to Zoya and Hanne. And it’s all literally there, in the text! What a waste.

Though keeping aside these parallels, Nina’s own journey from Ketterdam to Ravka to Fjerda, while is spoken about, doesn’t touch some other parts that I see potential in. Or this is just meta.

Nina has grief not just from Matthias’ death but also from the loss of her powers as Heartrender. So much of the Second Army was built on being a soldier, and perhaps the Darkling was not outright disdainful of racial differences in his army, yet he still stripped every part of the children away until they weren’t children anymore in his view. They’re all soldiers… (albeit his soldiers, preparing them to do his bidding because hey, give and take right?). Nina was a soldier, and she is a soldier still under Zoya’s role as a General, but an ‘other’ of a soldier. That’s her only identity, and the loss of her powers means that she’s a different kind of soldier.

I imagine that this entire time, some small part of Nina longed for normalcy, or whatever settled as normal for a life like hers. In the sense that she wants to go back, but what is back and where exactly did she want to go back to? What was the before and after and where did things go wrong or change? There’s tragedy in the realization that whatever you were before what you became is not a place you can return to, and that’s a different kind of loss that she has to bear, and all by herself. She has powers over the dead now, a strange power she learns to grow to, but all the places she has been, all the lives she has led and people she had been, everything might seem like they’ve all been locked away in some strange place leaving her barren and indisposable.

She’s off to Fjerda as someone she isn’t, figuratively and literally. In KoS, Nina brings up many times how odd she feels as Mila and in some capacity longs to be Nina Zenik again. This ties in with the previous point of returning to somewhere, but where?, but is also a segue towards body dysmorphia, the thing that Nina and Hanne’s storylines parallel and connect too with in a small way. It’s a great line to follow to discuss what her discomfort with her body means to herself while it means something entirely different to Hanne, who is also not entirely comfortable being who they are. (This discomfort further which leads to gender dysphoria, while for Nina, it will be about learning to accept her powers. I’ll add on to this in a bit,).

I'm mourning the lost potential of that experience being a parallel to Hanne’s own feelings, of a discussion between people being uncomfortable with their bodies, something that can mean multitudes to each person and on their own accord.

In parallel to Zoya, I like to draw it from the fact about Nina wanting to go back to who she was, while Zoya actively tries to lock her past away and drown it somewhere or throw it to the storm, never to hear of it again. She has no identity other than being a soldier, and that’s enough for Zoya, because who she was before she was a soldier is not pleasant. But moving from being just another expendable shell of soldier under the Darkling’s rule, Zoya becomes the one third of the Triumvirate, and then the King’s general, all of which bring self-awareness of Zoya’s capabilities and challenges that are bound to excite her. But all of these also compel Zoya to be many other people to others as she slowly grows to realize that power is not just protection but also a responsibility, and it will inadvertently mean confronting her past of her lost identity, realizing the how of the Darkling, and how harmful it was. As Genya puts it perfectly in Rule of Wolves, that they were all taken away when they were young kids, not even barely children, and then thrust into responsibilities that didn’t allow them to be anything else other than what the Darkling told them to be.

Back to Nina; a few other great parts about Nina’s arc could have been about her connection to languages, as language being a mode of strengthening identity, in addition to growing to her powers. In RoW, there’s this line that goes ‘how sweet it was to speak her language [Ravkan] again’, and the feeling of homesickness. Like, Nina is trying to connect to Ravka through what she knows best—language, and then stories. In that, Nina realizes a part of her identity, which could also act as a segue to Zoya reclaiming her own heritage and ethnicity. Not only that but Zoya and Nina’s stories are literally so intertwined that it’s hard not to see how their choices and line of thought affect one another’s arcs, in the grief they have and how they choose to treat it, and also show why Zoya is particularly protective of Nina (and keeps wishing that she doesn’t become the monster Zoya had become, in the sense that Nina is more mature in handling her grief than Zoya was and the entire mercy plotline ties Nina, Zoya and even Genya together. More meta, haH).

And that’s why the ending doesn’t make sense. Even though the part about her not being comfortable as Mila is not brought up many times in the continuing chapters (and that’s why perhaps naming Nina’s discomfort as body dysmorphia may be wrong), there’s still the part of Nina readily accepting to be who she was a Mila and remain in Fjerda that seems iffy to me. Especially when Nina and Hanne literally a few chapters ago think about running away (it may be just another alternative they might be fantasizing about, but I think it still means that they both want to be their true selves without hiding any parts of it away). So her staying as Mila… well, it doesn’t exactly add up.

I’d also add the part of Nina’s story mirroring Leoni’s, and how she is from Novyi Zem and being a part of the Second Army meant that she had little to no connection with her past, her culture etc. But maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part that Leigh went for that arc.

edit: 05/07/2021 | I don't agree with my point anymore about Nina not having the kind of ending I assumed she might have, considering that it is very well possible for Nina to treat her identity as Mila as a fresh start, as a Grisha with a command over the the dead and begin a new normal that is suited for her. You can read more here.

b) Zoya

For one, white passing Zoya is not canon to me. I simply pretend I do not see it.

See, her race was handled very badly. Making her half-Suli was supposed to show the struggles and the trauma that the ridiculing of her identity by other people has caused to her. Except, not enough time nor text is given to thoroughly discuss it. Not to forget how problematic of a narrative in itself it is to make Zoya white passing.

It would have made more sense to make her dark skinned and predominantly Suli-looking than whatever yt bs she was put through. Her not being white-passing would have led to conversations about tokenization, or people caring little about her and not giving her any respect because she is Suli. Or being called beautiful to the face and praised just for it or a harmless tumble in their point of view.

So like, instead of making the ‘mistake’ of seeking for acceptance, seeking appreciation and love, from her mother at first and then the Darkling, Zoya instead makes herself someone to be feared, if respect was not what she deserved. The iciness is a part of her and has always been, but all of it soon became a shield, an armour that she vowed to harden her heart with. Just the sheer impact of this narrative and her reluctance, and seeing Nikolai love her for beyond who she thinks she is… if all of this was canon, I’m pretty sure I’d have built a shrine for this duology.

Let’s now talk about her grief, and...

…

Okay it’s not for me to point fingers at how Leigh chose to write about grief because there’s no one way or one proper approach to go through that pain, and if that’s how she chose to write about grief for Zoya, fine! But I really wish we’d have gotten a little more into her head to see how the trauma has affected her thoughts and how she struggles against why and what exactly it is that Juris wants her to do. That enough time and text was dedicated to Zoya’s feelings and the mayhem it caused her, as a result of which the dragon’s eye took its cue and made things more unbearable to her because she was the only one to bear them all.

Like, I feel like Zoya was overwhelmed throughout the book and in between she had some skyhigh responsibilities to discharge and it’s all so inconsistent and poorly woven,,, it completely dissolved her character from KoS and made it 10000000x more miserable for me to read her POVs. And honestly, what even were her assignments that the Kirkus review mentioned? Never an inch of text in RoW is given to decipher her complications of her mind, the muddled sense of hopelessness and fear that grips her time and again. Why overwhelm her so much that you fail to do her mental state and capacity any justice?

I’m not going to be harsh about how much David’s death bothered me-- no actually fuck that; what’s the point? Fine, he died. All because you wanted to make his death a plot device to make Zoya reconcile with loss and deal with it? Where was Genya’s grief? Literally no point of having a death in the book at all, and it didn’t even achieve anything. (I’m still trying to wrap my head around why David’s death was important and maybe if I find some straws, I’ll consider…)

There were so many other ways around it; could have brought back Lada and killed her off, or have the Darkling piss her off so badly or just. Something. Instead of whatever happened with David. I think this is too harsh and insensitive of me to say about Leigh, but still… there’s a myriad of other ways to have gone about it. Helping Zoya deal with her grief with Nikolai at her side, to understand that the rage that was fueled from her loneliness, like it had been in the past, could now be a weight that Nikolai was willing to carry with her… Helping someone with their grief, staying and choosing is also a love language you know?

So in that regard, I won’t regret saying how flat the garden scene was to me. Zoya’s lines, though tinged with grief, were so out of what I would expect KoS Zoya to say. Maybe it’s also because of how bitter I was reading about David's death, despite that part being spoiled for me.

The cost shouldn’t have been David’s death, especially not when his death too wasn’t properly handled at all, and Genya’s grief was never spared a second thought beyond bringing Titanium.

+

Now let’s talk about how Out of Character Zoya was throughout the book. Her punchy attitude was missing, and even if she was warming up to her friends, we see little of the iciness she continues to retain. Another part of this is about exploring her relationships, particularly with Nikolai and her growing feelings for him. I wish we’d have seen them grapple with more of their confusion and propriety, if only for the yearning™. Besides, no matter how cute their scenes were, they were mostly (like maybe some. 70%) awful to read them, simply because it felt so odd to see Zoya be so open with Nikolai, all of a sudden.

A part of this definitely has to be the fact that we don’t know just how much time has passed between the end of KoS and the start of RoW, and we never, never see any description of they regarded their feelings for each other and how they understood it themselves. I don’t actually know how exactly I can put this into words in a manner that will make sense, but the only scenes where I appreciated Zoyalai were in the Ketterdam chapters, ONLY. The rest was… bleh lmao. Their scenes were so cute and brilliant, and if only we’d seen more of the internal conflict and had given some more time for them to practically approach their feelings but still end up in the puddle of it. If only.

Their scenes apart were the good ones, because that’s where we finally see Nikolai feeling the loss, no matter how temporary (on the verge of being permanent since it’s the war), of not having Zoya with him, of not being there with Zoya because who else would it be if it wasn’t her? Zoyalai had good scenes but they barely lived up to the mark lol. Their feelings are never thoroughly explored, nor their mental capacities.

While we’re talking about Zoyalai, let’s also talk about how lame it was for Zoya to say that Nikolai was the golden spirited hero all along, from the very start, when canonically we know Zoya had little to do with him in the earlier books, that she may have only been physically attracted to him and never saw him as more than just some guy with a responsibility to manage, and had sooooooo much distrust about him. And that it was only in the next few years of working with him and alongside did she grow to recognize his efforts and relish in the hope that he was building for Ravka, inadvertently making Zoya hopeful too.

Nope. Instead, we’ll just throw in some destiny bs that he was the one all along rather than show that the beauty of their relationship did not stem what they perceived of each other, but was instead built on strong respect and admiration for one another and their capabilities. 100% destroyed their relationship for me.

+

Some good parts about Zoya’s arc in RoW was how she acknowledged her past mistakes, and the nuance that was touched upon in seeing sense in becoming a soldier from the start, that offered her a chance to be anything other than a bride. That some part of her was grateful for the Darkling for teaching her how to fight, while still keeping Genya’s words in mind about how they were mere kids, children who had only one path to traverse because the Darkling (who wanted their acceptance and loyalty) nor the Kings of the country let the Grisha be anything else other than pawns of the war. That she recognizes her mistakes as a teen and how self centred she was, that her being snotty had at times cost some peoples’ lives too. And she doesn’t take the blame all up on herself, because it’s not hers alone to bear. Super good.

Also, the way Zoya comes to view power as responsibility instead of merely as protection was something cool to read about. It’s not clear in the books, but Zoya actively tried to not be the Darkling while still continuing to build an army for the war out of necessity, and actually sharing some parts of the dream that the Darkling had for the Grisha. I can’t articulate this so perfectly, but the point is, Zoya trying to avoid becoming a tyrant like the Darkling was an active process that she was constantly trying to change, and where Zoya could not recognize her own feelings and inherent thoughts about warfare that in some ways did mirror the Darkling’s, by the end of book, Zoya is much more self-aware and conscious of herself and her power than she was at the start of the book. And this was well done.

+

Now, what is up with YA and making people turn into giants or animals lol wtf. Why couldn’t we have seen Zoya use her dragon powers in a way that symbolizes the conditions of her dragon amplifier and the power of the knowledge she obtained from Juris? She is a Saint, and we’ve seen that their powers allowed them to cause ‘miracles’ and such, as we see at the start of KoS and at the end.

Why couldn’t we have seen Zoya dabble with her newfound powers and completely lose her shit in anger during the wae, only to rein back in mercy, just as someone from Fjerda begs for forgiveness since they see her then as a Saint? Adrik and Leoni used their powers in Fjerda, so having Zoya bring about a conundrum of all orders and do something about it would also have been cool, wouldn’t it? In the funeral scene we see her turn water into ice, thereby making a path for Genya. Why couldn’t we have had more exploration of the importance of the dragon’s eye and the general nausea of being overly empathetic every. damn. time? Why didn’t we get to see her powers? Why couldn’t we have seen her fail in them and realize that the reason she was not perfect was because she was trying to be strong on her own and was not relying on others and joint effort?

Her turning into a dragon was genuinely the most baffling part bc here’s a war that’s so serious and dire with metals and bombs, and then here’s this magic that will solve all of it entirely. Like I’m not saying it was bad, (I am actually saying just that) but I also don’t know what I am saying, except that the ending felt like a fever dream.

…?

Not sure if I’ve managed to convey it properly, but well. Zoya felt out of character throughout RoW, and that the only place I saw KoS Zoya was in the final Os Kervo scene where Zoya finally agrees to be the queen.

c) Nikolai

Nikolai’s arc was very satisfying and brilliant to read about in RoW. In KoS, he seemed very much like a passive character, one of the reasons why his stunt with the Shu in RoW was appreciable, no matter how ill-timed of a plot turn it was. His journey throughout this book was also introspective to see why others deemed him unfit as the King, and even if they were his enemies who thought that in want to dispose him from the throne, Nikolai realizes that him being on the throne is not of much value and that this book was entirely about him seeing his privilege and making decisions to counter and correct the mistakes he’s made. That was nice. Oh, also his father not being an antagonist was a pleasant surprise.

I don’t have many complaints about him, except perhaps wanting some more internal conflict and elaboration about his feelings for Zoya. Them being apart was where it was satisfying, and then in the Ketterdam chapters. His arc could have been better in KoS, but that’s to blame the plot for the characterization.

d) Hanne

Now, from the very start, their arc was super good and it only got better and better until… the ending. Except it’s so odd that Hanne, a poc, has to now live as white person, while feeling comfortable in their transmasc identity. Icky, no? That you need to eliminate one part of your identity in order to feel safe and comfortable about another? Add to this the whole white-passing Zoya thing,,, doesn't exactly send off the right message.

Together with Nina, the ending seems uncharacteristic for both of them. Them coming to accept their powers and knowing to use their powers on their own accord was brilliant, though the entire husband business felt very,,, eh to me, even if it did make sense. The ending about their name and their new identity was too vague.

e) Genya, Leoni and Adrik, Kuwei, Mayu,

Genya is the one who faced the most disservice along with David. While there were exceptional parts to both of their plotlines, it's still sad that even if David's death was necessary, we don't get to see the entirety of her grief and the possible anger, and that her kindness is simply used as the justification for lack of portrayal of grief.

It really did take me by surprise, mostly because I wasn't a fan of the original Shadow and Bone book, but seeing David's conscience and self-awareness, along with Genya's (and Zoya thinking of how she wouldn't let any harm come to them, which shows a bit of her development towards her character development), was plenty refreshing. David and Genya were genuinely the highlights of the book and to kill David off was just. doesn't sit right with me.

Leoni and Adrik deserved more page time. They’re saints and immensely capable (no wonder they’re now the Triumvirate), but a few more pages for them to shine would not only have been nice, but also a necessity.

And now, Kuwei...

....

I mean,,, parem should have been the plot, alongside the entire weaponry and the discussion of making a city killer. But uh… that didn’t happen.

There's not much I have to say about Mayu, Tamar and Ehri, except that their plot was superb, only very badly timed.

There's more to talk about them in the remedy tho.

IV. Remedy

Here’s the deal. Before KoS release, there should have been a Nina novella.

Nina is a very important character. All of her potential, alongside many other parts of her personality--from dealing with grief, to accustoming to her powers, to growing stronger--there could be so much to do with her as a protagonist, alongside another character: Mayu.

A whole book dedicated to Nina in Fjerda with Hanne? Brilliant. Show Stopping. Mind blowing. It gives SO much page time to explore not just Nina and Mayu, Hanne, but also Zoya, Leoni and Inej. All together.

How?

Nina’s plotline carries the entire medical effects of the use of parem, just as Mayu’s will carry the pain she feels about her brother being a part of the khergud program. The novella will give ample time to flesh them out as characters and protagonists, each dealing with plot problems and problems of their own--like the loss of ones powers and newfound responsibilities, and the shared loss of a beloved person in parallel, even if neither Nina or Mayu interact on page.

Fjerda and Shu Han could be tied together with one chapter as a POV from Zoya (or maybe two), who, along with the Triumvirate and Nikolai, are completely at loss with the political scenario in the country, and are debating over what should be the course of action. Zoya receives news from the scouts, and missives from Nina, and Tamar takes care of the information she garners from the rest of the network, including Shu Han.

Like, the entire surprise of finding a Zoya POV, from a character whom until CK we’ve known as cold hearted and stern and not giving a fuck about anything or anyone, be humanized in that one chapter, thereby building up the anticipation for her arc,,, the very potential,,, *chef's kiss*.

And by the end of book, we could have an POV--or maybe a cameo if not a POV--of Inej meeting Nina on one of her travels of slave hunting. Inej could help take care that the women that Nina has rescued (as Nina does in KoS) reach the Ravkan shorelines safely. But, for a price.

The entire parallels between Leoni and Hanne and Nina could be set up, while also building up the narrative for the Saints’ plotline with Adrik's, Leoni's and Nina’s powers (like it was at the end of KoS). KoS and RoW would thereby continue it by tackling the weaponization and the antidote, Sainthood and the rest of the politics of it all.

Coming to Shu Han: one key aspect that I’d love to have explored would be the importance of art, during or despite the war. Of how war or pain chips away culture, while detailing on the ill effects of it from the commoners' perspectives, from the soldiers etc. Art is integral to Shu Han and could be portrayed by Mayu’s pain finding balm in poetry, of seeing glimpses of Ehri poring over poetry also mayri ftw, of politics that Makhi is weaving against Ravka, etc.

Or also add some more length to Zoya’s POV and explore a bit of Tamar and Tolya and Kuwei’s interactions and perspective added to it, of missing a home that they seemed to not know, or know; of discussing culture and differences on the basis of where they’re from (maybe the twins are from the borders, while Kuwei grew up near the capital or somewhere distant from the borders etc.), all while directly pointing at Zoya’s heritage and how it ebbs at her conscience, no matter how much she wants to bury it.

POTENTIAL !!!

Like,,, Nina novella would have been too powerful. It would have been perfect. I think I’d excuse bringing back the Darkling too if this was the case. (Or maybe not).

But welp.

Hey, thanks for reading! Not sure if you could make it this far, but if you have, you honestly deserve a medal for sitting through this all. I can’t imagine how tiring it must be to read through this, considering it seemed to take it more than month to compile this there’s also me procrastinating on it too so i’,mbhbdhshfsdn

Drop an ask if you want to talk more about this!

Sincerely, thank you!!!

[yesokaythatsfine69]

In Need of A Stable Relationship (Jean Kirstein x reader)

Description: y/n's having a shitty week- mainly because she's tired of loving Jean because he doesn't feel the same way.

Character(s): y/n, Jean, Connie, Sasha, Eren, Mikasa, Levi

POV: 3rd person

Warning(s): cursing, little bit of angst, fluff

A/n: JEAN IS SO HOT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH he's such an absolute cutie and probably the second most attractive character in the series. I'll let you guess who's number one.

Word Count:

Song: listen to Agni kai- epic version by Samuel Kim. It's just cool.

*none of the gifs used are mine, full credit goes to the maker.

Y/n bit into her bread harshly, swallowing the lump thickly. "y/n? Are you okay?" Taking another harsh bite, y/n nodded at Armin. "I don't think I've ever seen you eat like that." Eren laughed, but his eyes remained wearily trained on her. "I'm just hungry." She grumbled, taking a third bite.

"Hey, but not even Sasha eats like that." Connie pointed to the girl who sat next to him, who was stuffing bread into her mouth like it was candy. When she noticed everyone's eyes on her, she looked side to side. Quickly swallowing, she smiled sheepishly.

Y/n rolled her eyes, quickly losing interest in the conversation. "Didn't captain Levi say that if we didn't have this place spotless by the time he got back we'd be eating our own shit?" Y/n got up from the table, and her chair squeaked against the wood floor.

"You're already done, y/n?" Mikasa approached the table, a tray in her hands. Y/n only took the young woman in dejectedly, giving her a small shrug. "Yeah, you can have my seat." Y/n grabbed her empty tray and left the group, leaving them to watch her silhouette retreat out of the lunch room.

A few seconds later Jean arrived, coming in the same way Y/n had exited. He was sweating, obviously having just got done training. He grabbed a tray and made his way to the table, sitting down beside Connie.

"What's up with y/n? She barely spoke to me just now." The table was silent. "I think she ate too much." Sasha said, as she put a hand on her stomach, her own face scrunched up in pain. Jean raised an eyebrow at his friend, his gaze moving away from Sasha to Armin. "She's been off with all of us recently. Maybe the scouts are getting to her." Armin spoke, shaking his head slightly.

Eren folded his arms across his chest, a sign that something was obviously bothering him. Jean watched the action sharply, his eyes narrowing the slightest. "Yeah, maybe." The rest of the time it was mostly quiet, a few different topics arose. Noticibly, Jean remained silent, barely eating.

His mind focused on her, analyzing everything she said, did. He could barely eat he was so engrossed in worry for his friend.

He missed y/n.

--------------------------------------------------

Y/n sighed. The stables were always dirty, but when you're in a bad mood- they seem dirtier. She grabbed her broom, fixing to sweep when a door opened. She turned, surprised at first- but then her shoulders relaxed when she saw who entered.

"Did you need something, Jean?" Jean's eyes widened. He had such pretty eyes, a lovely warm brown. In the soft glow of the stable lights they were illuminated and they sparkled. He was beautiful, and even her misplaced anger couldn't diminish that. Y/n felt a sinking feeling as she realized just how captivated she was. This was going to be harder than she thought.

Jean, swallowed and shut the door behind him. "I came to check on you. You seem off." Y/n just shrugged and turned away from him, continuing to sweep. "It doesn't really matter."

In less than four steps, he caught up with her, grabbing onto her arm. "Hey, what's wrong with you? You're obviously mad- instead of just sulking maybe you should-" y/n spun around to face him.

"Shut up Jean! Just shut up!" She stabbed a finger at him. "Maybe I should just blow up like you do, without thinking or caring about the consequences of my actions. I'm sure that would just solve all my problems!" She huffed at him.

Jean straightened. "So this is about me?" Y/n's eyes widened. "No!" His eyes widened. "I never said I was perfect, y/n but..." He closed his eyes. "You...you're acting like a child!" She stared at him.

Before she could even acknowledge what she was doing her arm flew forward and she punched him square in the face. He grabbed his jaw, his doe eyes wide.

Y/n's own eyes widened and she clutched her hand. Pain erupted from her knuckles, but she ignored it, watching in fear as Jean clutched his face, staring at her in shock. "Oh God, Jean I'm so sorry...I- I..." He only winced, removing his hand. "Your right hook has gotten better."

Y/n stared at him. "But it still doesn't compare to mine!" Jean swung barely missing her as she ducked, side stepping him. The two fought, hand to hand combat style. Again Jean tried to swing but y/n was still to fast, ducking and landing a hit to his chest. He grunted but quickly regained his balance.

Jean swung again, but this time y/n caught his first, bring his face inches from her own. Then without warning he sideswiped her feet, bringing them both tumbling down.

Jean landed on his elbows above her, both out of breath. Finally, Jean caught his, looking down at y/n with sincere worry.

"What's wrong, y/n?" He asked again, his gaze gentle. She sniffed and looked away.

Silence.

"please, tell me. I want to help you." He spoke barely above a whisper, afraid he'd scare her off.

Finally, she spoke. She gave up.

"I-I love you."

Silence.

Tears streamed down her cheeks.

"And you...you don't love me."

She let out a sob then, more tears streaking down her face. Her hand wrapped around her mouth, a feeble attempt to subdue her cries.

She flinched when his hand reached over to her, gently cupping her cheek. He guided her to be directly in front of him.

But his face surprised her, he looked pissed. Jean was gritting his teeth in frustration, "How could you say that? Damnit! You can't just- You could've just asked."

"What?"

"Of course I love you! You're y/n y/l/n. You make life bearable, you make my day, my night. After Marco died- you were there for me. You've always been. I'd... I'd have to be an idiot to not...to not love you, y/n." Unshed tears shined in his eyes. "Of course, I love you."

Y/n frowned. "But Mikasa, I thought you-" "That was a year ago, y/n." they stared at each other, the truth finally sinking in.

Then, she smiled. Jean arched a brow as y/n wrapped her legs around his waist, a blush erupting on her cheeks.

Then suddenly she spun the two of them around, switching their positions. "Then why the hell didn't you say anything! You could've not wasted my time- the precious time I have." Again, Jean gritted his teeth. "Well, I thought you liked Yaegar! Considering the fact that you follow him around like a lost puppy!"

Y/n stared at Jean, who glared from under her. Then she bursted out laughing, a different type of tear streaming from her eyes. "You thought I liked Eren and I thought you liked Mikasa?" She laughed, slapping her thigh.

"We're both a pair of idiots!" Jean's scrowl slowly dropped, a smile slipping onto his face until he too began laughing hysterically with y/n.

Finally, She wiped her face, about to get up off of Jean but he grabbed her hand. His thumb gently ran through the knuckles, and he smiled.

"What's the rush, y/n? I like this view." Y/n flicked him, and got up, giving him a hand. He hopped up, but kept their hands intertwined.

Jean pulled their connected hands to his heart, and thus pulled her closer. Y/n closed the space between them, and Jean wrapped his free hand around her waist, settling his palm in the small of back.

The kiss was sweet, Jean's lips were soft and he dipped his head in deeper, catching her breathe. She snagged his bottom lip in her teeth, gently tugging. He tasted sweet, and it made her giggle, the thought of her hothead being anything but spicy- it was poetic.

"y/n..." He breathed, removing his lips from hers and peppering her face with sweet kisses, moving down to her neck. Her breathe caught at how soft he was.

"Oi, I didn't realize that the stables were suddenly designated for snogging." Y/n and Jean's eyes shot open, them freezing their minstrations. Captain Levi stood before them, his arms crossed.

In a flash they separated, putting a safe social distance between the two of them. Simultaneously giving him a salute, they spoke "Captain Levi!"

"Tch, save it you shits. You're both on horse shit duty. Separately." His eyes flickered dangerously between the two of them. "For how long?" Jean asked, his face pale. Jean hated getting in trouble, though it often found him because of his hotheaded nature.

"Until you start hating it, horse boy." Levi's eyes dangerously glittered at him. "Now, I expect you two dumbasses to have this place spotless by the morning." He leaned against the wall and Jean and y/n shared a look.

Sighing she picked up her broom and Jean grabbed the mop. Under the watchful eye of their captain they cleaned, but even under the burden of being in trouble the two could barely wipe away their smiles of delight.

"Will you two shitheads stop smiling, it sickens me."

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A/n: hey guys this one isn't my favorite prolly because I psyched myself out with doing Jean. Anyways feel free to give critism and feedback. Thanks for reading + happy new year

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[zustinviews]

Why You Gotta Be So Rude? - Justin Bieber imagine

Pairing: Reader x Justin Bieber

Request: ‘Can you do am imagine where Justin is rlly rude to his girlfriend infront of everyone and no one knows how to react. Also can she be like an insta baddie looking girl but not actually famous (like she normally and in uni) Thanks x’

A/N: pls bear with me on this. it’s my first imagine in a long as time and it may or may not be the greatest. but still show some love. requests are also opened and welcomed. :) happy reading!

{Y/N POV}

“Any more questions class?” Professor Sanders questioned. Some of the class answered him while the rest were too busy catching up on the sleep they missed out on from the night before. Last night I couldn’t lie was pretty wild. Some people on campus threw me a party, congratulating me on getting signed to a modeling agency.

I was pretty well known on Instagram for my posts, so of course everyone was either trying to be my friend or in some cases, trying to hook up with me. But luckily for me, I had a boyfriend who was always there for me and made sure the handsy people kept their hands away from me.

“Well if there are no more questions, class dismissed.” 

Those who were sleeping immediately perked up when they heard those words and packed whatever was on their desk into the bag, before running out of the room to their next class, if they had one. I packed away my things in a timely manner as well, making sure I wasn’t the last one left in the room.

From time to time, I was the last person in the room and things got pretty weird if I must say between Sanders and I. 

Once I was out of there, I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and decided to give Justin a ring and see what he was up to.

“Hey Justin. What are you doing right now?”

“On a jet.”

“Ohhh-kay? Where to exactly?”

“Does it really matter where I’m going? Just worry about yourself and I’ll worry about myself.”

(A/N: everyone right now)

With that, he hung up the phone, not even giving me a chance to fire back with something. I stared at my phone in complete confusion, trying to figure out what the hell I could’ve done now to annoy him.

As of lately, Justin had been acting a little.. off. Every time I would call him, he would be extremely busy or he was pissed off at me, for no apparent reason. It seemed like I could never do anything to fully please him. I was starting to think that maybe it was because I never invited Justin to the signing party but, he never invited me to his. so what’s the problem?

I shut off my phone and replaced it in my back pocket. I decided to head back to my dorm room considering I had no more classes for the rest of the day. 

Once in there, I was greeted by my room mate.

“Oh hey Lana, I didn’t know you were going to be in here.” I said, a little taken back by her presence. “Don’t you have psych at this time?” I questioned the female who was taking residence on my bed. “And what the hell are you doing on my bed?”

“We need to talk.” She replied. At first I was thinking that she wasn’t being serious, she was joking. But after carefully analyzing her tone of voice and body language, I realized that she wasn’t joking.

I let out a loud sigh before fully closing the door behind me and taking a seat next to her on my bed. “What did I do now?”

“Why in the good God’s name are you still dating him? Like I know I’m not the greatest with guys but, {Y/N}, you can do so much better than Justin.” Lana said.

“Are you really going to lecture me on my love life? Lana, I love you but you aren’t my damn mother. I can take care of myself.” I responded in sheer annoyance.

“I understand that {Y/N} but, what you and Justin have going on isn’t love. Well, not anymore. He’s only with you for your looks and both you and I know that.”

“That’s not true. Justin’s with me because he loves me. What would you know about our relationship? You are neither Justin or me,” I scoffed. “And you are right, you aren’t the greatest with guys. Don’t even think about worrying about my love life.”

“I’m not worrying about your love life, I just care about you and your feelings, that’s all.”

“Well stop caring. Justin’s with me because he loves me and that’s final.” With that, I threw my bag over my shoulder and proceeded towards the door. Lana just so happened to decide to get the last word in.

“If he loves you so much, he wouldn’t be treating you like you’re gum on the bottom of his shoes.”

A/N: part two to this imagine will be coming soon :)

[marper-didnt-die-for-blecho]

22-33 for Avatar question time :)

Thanks so much for the ask!

22. How much do you like tea?

I like tea a lot, actually. I’m not really an expert, but I’m from southern USA, and we’re obsessed with our sweet tea. Also, my grandmother is a tea expert, and she’s always having me try different kinds of teas and they all taste pretty good tbh.

23: azula: psychopath or mentally ill?

Psychopathy is a mental illness, but I don’t have enough experience with it to say whether she is one or not. I do believe she suffers from other mental illnesses, some that she grew into because of her horrible ass parents, others that come with being royalty. I could analyze Azula’s psyche all day.

24: how much do you like the cabbage guy?

He himself is kind of an asshole (well deserved, but still), but he’s always good for a laugh. Those poor cabbages tho...

25: funniest scene

Too many!! I can’t choose between “Cactus water,” “lUnAR GOODNESS,” “You know what I like about Appa? His sense of humor,” the Ember Island Players’ version of Toph, “HoW CAn yOu saY tHAt???” The Cave of Two Lovers scene where Sokka keeps smacking his forehead anytime the nomads even think about breathing... The guy who’s always foaming at the mouth... look.. can anyone just choose one scene??

26: saddest scene

Azula crying and screaming after the final Agni Kai. There are a lot of sad moments in the series, but most of them are only shown to us through POV flashbacks or are off screen. That scene of Azula was shown to us in real time, without any kind of filter. It was arguably one of the best written character arc endings of the entire show. There was no other scene that gave us this raw, broken, gut wrenching emotion. 

27: favorite episode

Oh boy. The Beach. I really need an AU where Zuko never leaves the Fire Nation, and the four of them do shit like that all day everyday like wtf these Fire Nation kids are my life.

28: which element is the strongest?

Well, by using the word strongest, earth would instantly win being that it’s the only element that’s actually solid enough to hold the weight of other objects (ice too, but it’s water, not ice). Now, for which element is strongest in the non literal way, I don’t have an answer because I think that one of the strong subplots of the show is that all of the elements are strong and weak equally yet uniquely. The show gives a lot of weight to Yin and Yang, the idea that everything has an opposite and an equal in every way. Fire both destroys and creates on it’s own, but so do water, earth, and air. And at the same time, they can help and harm one another. They needed to be able to wield and understand all four elements in order to truly be able to bring peace to the world. Teamwork makes the dream work, baby.

29: do you like the comics?

The comics were shit. Moving on.

30: least favorite episode

The Southern Raiders lmao. Not what you were expecting from me, right? Idk man... I feel weird everytime I watch it, like... I’m good on that, g.

31: outfits you loved the most!

Katara in her Fire Nation outfit. Spirit Yue. Azula in her Earth Kingdom outfit. Azula with her hair down. Zuko with the wind in his hair and no shirt. Toph in her pjs with bed hair. Sokka in his war paint. Sokka in his Kyoshi Warrior fit. Aang in his Fire Nation Uniform (i love his headband). Azula the day of the final Agni Kai. The Painted Lady... All of Katara and Azula’s looks were blessed by Yue herself.

32: your opinion on kataras development after The last Airbender to Legend of Korra (based on comics and Lok)

You mean the deterioration of her character? I’m pretty neutral to the whole thing, I think. Sometimes, things just go wrong, and all you can do is roll with the punches through the heartbreak tbh. (Lmao whomstever made these questions wanted discourse and I love it.)

33: how often have you watched it?

I watch a:tla all the way through about once every other month. Sometimes more if I’m really craving it.

[mryddinwilt]

My Month In Media: May

Trying something new and doing a little review of stuff I have read/watched/listened to each month in case anyone wants to talk about them. 

Watched/Watching

Anne with an E - I only got through the first three episodes. Huge disappointment for me as it seemed to entirely miss the point. 

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Still enjoying this one. Titus “lemonading” was the best and “Kimmy is a Feminist” had me rolling. 

Lucifer - I think it’s getting better and better. I am barely interested in Deckerstar but can’t get enough of all the other characters. Very excited to see where it goes next season. 

iZombie - Another outstanding ensemble that I am happy is airing new episodes while everything else goes on hiatus. 

Still Star Crossed - Excellent pilot but I am leery as I have never watched a Shonda show and I am afraid of getting sucked in. 

The Americans - I love Philip and Elizabeth so much and even Paige has grown on me this season. It’s a very hard show for me to watch but it’s also so fascinating that I can’t not watch it. 

Beauty and the Beast (2014) - Was not a fan of the latest Disney version and found this French version on Netflix. It’s visually fantastic and a more magical and faithful retelling but I wasn’t totally sold on Belle and Beasts’ relationship. Mostly it just gave me ideas (which isn’t a bad thing really) 

Read

There was a bit of a theme this month as I am investigating the romance genre a little bit... 

Seven Regency romances including three of the Bedwyn series by Mary Balogh and two by Mary Robinette Kowal that are Regency with a dash of fantasy and part of her glamourist histories series. Mostly this just made me realize how much Regency as a historical time period is a farce and what we read is really a fantasy version of it. 

Beyond Heaving Bosoms: The Smart Bitches' Guide to Romance Novels - It’s an interesting and funny analysis of the romance genre and I learned a lot. A bit dated because it was published in 2009 and not at all academic but very fun. 

Burning Glass by Kathryn Purdie - YA fantasy where the MC is empathic ie her power is that she feels other peoples emotions. This leads to issues because she can’t tell her emotions from others and strong emotions can over take her. It’s sent in a fantasy Russia type world and there is a love triangle with two brothers. I found the MC deeply unlikable but stuck around for one of the brothers. 

Sun and Moon, Ice and Snow by Jessica Day George -So the new Disney Beauty and the Beast prompted me to pick up stories related to the fairytale. This one is a retelling of East of the Sun and West of the Moon. It’s a fairly straight retelling but very enjoyable and fun. I found myself more into the family relationships than the romance. 

Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis - This is a retelling of the Cupid and Psyche myth (which is very similar to East of the Sun and West of the Moon) but from the POV of the ugly stepsister. The story it tells is not as interesting as the character telling it and the philosophical questions that are analyzed as a result. It’s the kind of deep I know I’m gonna have to reread to really get. 

“I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?” 

Listened

Yeah beyond my normal podcasts it was basically the Once Upon A Time Musical soundtrack on repeat... 

[metatiki]

Life ramblings

Speaking about my life in any kind of public forum has always been exceptionally difficult for me. Even though I know to the most absolute degree that no one will care what I have to say, talking about something as simple as a haircut can make me nervous and make me delete/rewrite/never bother with a post.

Case in point: the reason I've been pretty much only slightly ghosting on Tumblr and nonexistent on Dreamwidth: changes in my life.

It's one thing to endlessly research and learn and analyze and wonder, but it's always another to actually begin the journey, especially when you start it so much later than most. Self-discovery for me is a winding trail with several side paths that I always want to explore, and that makes it a road which can take me quite a while to traverse to the next important crossroads.

For the one or two of you who might actually read this, buckle up. This really is a ramble.

Coming to the realization that I was transgender was both easy and gradual. Easy, because once that bulb turned on, it explained a myriad of different behaviors, preferences, and ideations. Yet it was also gradual, because I literally had no framework to even think it might be a thing for me until I met and RP’d in a group with an FTM a while ago. I suppose to younger people it might be mind-boggling that I’d never even considered it a reality until then, but without any media presence (and I have a very narrow view of pop culture as it is anyway) or literary examples, the idea that I might actually be a man rather than masculine-leaning woman was a foreign one, and certainly not something I could apply to myself in any substantial sense. So I had to realize it was a thing, and then research gender dysphoria to see if it was just a wild idea, or if I fit the criteria. And boy, did I, to a T. *cough*

Once I figured that out, I then had to decide if I want to transition or simply accept the diagnosis and see if I could just live the rest of my life. After all, it's been over twenty years since I was in high school, after all, and I've gotten college degrees, married, divorced, and been an employee at multiple companies in that time. I’d obviously been able to live this way for a number of years as an adult, so could I simply continue and simply make small allowances here or there? Transitioning at any age is never easy, but the challenges differ from one age group to the next. I had to carefully weigh my choices and make the final decision - which was that I absolutely did not want to finish my life as a woman.

I've been absolutely fortunate to have a supportive network of family and friends, and work so far has been accepting (though it's not generally public knowledge there yet). Still, there's a lot I have to sort out, from inside my head to determining how I fit in the outside world (not that I ever figured that out in the first place).

And with that new male self-identity in place, other aspects of my life have shifted in fundamental but subtle ways. I'm a feminist, but not a woman. I'm questioning my sexuality (again), but it hasn't really changed so much as the POV to consider it has altered. I'm re-centering myself in the world in a way that I completely ignored before because everything was wrong so it didn't seem worth it to try. I'm actually working on my health seriously for the first time in my entire life - again, never a concern because my body was completely disconnected from me prior to acknowledging what I truly am. I'm analyzing my ASD and introvertism and a myriad of other things, wondering what will change and what won't, what was me and what was the result of my social and gender dysphoria. All this while my body is literally changing and my psyche shifts to the most calm and *right* it has ever felt since before puberty.

It's fucking amazing and fucking terrifying, all at once. And I don't regret the decision for an instant.

As for fandom, I certainly identify more closely with male protagonists and mlm romances now. To be fair, that was building as I came closer and closer to my decision to transition, but now that all that is settling into place, I understand so much more about my writing and my preferred POVs, why my favorite characters are who they are, and why I feel so distant from certain characters and ships. I had to put my playthrough of Andromeda completely on hold because I'm hoping (against hope) that the mlm romances will be improved as they promised. Ironically, I was finally able to complete a run-through of the original Mass Effect trilogy because I stopped trying to play as a woman and just gaymanced my way through with an M!Shenko story that, despite its flaws, I absolutely adored. I'm even going to go back and replay DA2 with a male Hawke and see if I connect better. Oh, and my former canon Hawke? Yup. Transgender man, always was. I just didn't realize that either.

It has put a distance between me and Tumblr, though. It's subtle, but I notice it when I try to re-engage with fandom and utterly fail. I've distanced myself from my old blog and presence even further and pretty much abandoned the two sub-communities within the fandom that I tried haphazardly to belong to: writing and modding.

For writing, I have three major stories left open/unfinished: my Warden story, my Cullrian fic where Dorian becomes the Inquisitor, and my canon Inquisitor Martin Trevelyan story. I adore my Warden, but I feel so distant from her that I wonder if I'll ever pick that up again. I love my Inquisitor Dorian story as well - I had so much politics and fun with derailing the canon plot planned for that one - and of the three, it's the one I'm most likely to return to writing. The one I want to do the most is my Martin Trevelyan story, but I'm not sure I want to pour myself into writing that story when I'm feeling so distant from the fandom itself. I don't write for accolades, necessarily, but I do like to feel a connection between my readers and myself for fic, and the time for DAI has come and gone. It's hard to write when I feel that no one will read it.

As for modding, I now regret my involvement in that community. I don't have a suitable personality or a viable skillset to offer, and I should have just backed out early and let someone else take over and do what I did, but better. A couple of other blogs have stepped up to the plate, for which I am grateful, but it's a weekly debate with myself whether or not I should just delete that sideblog - heck, my whole Tumblr - and simply move on. The only reason I don't is that I know there are quite a few links to some of the tutorials and lists on the sideblog, and I feel it would be unfair to do so. Yet I tried and failed at Discord, and am completely disinterested in modding ME:A, so I think that ship will not sail again.

In addition to that, I've been in a constant re-evaluation of my online presence and what it means. The release of ME:A had me intrigued at first, but as time has progressed, I've come to realize that even though I enjoy and love the game itself, I feel no connection whatsoever to other fans of it. I don't like the fanart, I don't like the same characters as everyone else, and I simply don’t experience it in the same way I'm seeing it on my dash. People are leaving Dragon Age behind again (which is fine, fandoms are always circular), but I don't choose to move on. And it's getting harder and harder to find meaningful ways to interact with what remains of the parts of fandom I am interested in. Outside of my perennial RPs (which is still Dragon Age), I don't really maintain an online presence except for what little I've struggled to establish here on Tumblr - and the value is diminishing enough that I wonder how long I'll be around.

So. Anyway. Many ramblings later, I guess I just needed to get all that out and written down somewhere. My apologies if you actually read all this. And kudos, as well.

At least Tiki is a unisex name. That I don't have to change.

Tiki on Dreamwidth | AO3 | FF.net