#I love thinking about her psyche and analyzing her pov

[alieneyedcow]

Calypso's island

[twiggyrogue]

Crazy Ex Girlfriend reading that no one has asked for but I've been thinking about it! but it's about whats up with the songs that Rebecca isn't present for (and some solos that she is but that just makes it confusing)! Because there's a lot of different interpretations of it, and I want to just put out mine

For me, the songs that Rebecca isn't there for aren't in her head, they are in the singers' minds. In the world of the show, especially with songs like "Hey West Covina," "Thought Bubbles," "I Go to the Zoo," (and plenty more), Rebecca absolutely doesn't know the inner thoughts being shared in those numbers. We know she is still projecting onto them from other songs from around those times- "Settle for Me", "Ping Pong Girl", "Strip Away My Conscious" (the first two are putting words in other character's mouths, the third spells out her impression of him pretty clear.) Rebecca doesn't know their struggles, that's why they are singing them to us, the viewers!

They're singing because it's the language that the show, "Crazy Ex Girlfriend" uses to share large emotions and inner thoughts. Yes, it's also the diegetic way Rebecca sees the world, but since her POV is the primary view the show, that's how the viewpoint remains. Despite this, even though Becks is the main character, CXG still goes out of its way to develop and explore character when they are outside of her, to show that none of them are exactly perfect narrators.

I think saying that Rebecca is the one choreographing their personal vignettes- retroactively, after she learns about them- weakens them and puts too many filters over the ideas in the songs. Because then it makes every song actually about what she thinks someone's breakthrough is about. Lets be real, she never had and will never have enough thoughts about George to formulate "George's Turn."

If this was a much more experimental show- which, it already is, but even moreso than normal- everyone would have their own interpretations of their psyche, like Nathaniel's romcom episode. Like, say for "Trapped in a Car" maybe Rebecca is singing in her head, but Paula is imagining a really shitty filler part in a romance novel where the side character she does not care about has way too many lines. They'd be saying the same thing in different mediums, but in the show, they just converge into one song.

CXG is musical comedy, written by comedic musicians and sold with the idea that each episode has a song. And as a medium, musicals are fundamentally fantastic at doing this introspective character work! The changing of genres for certain characters is already an insight on how to read them, which makes it a joy to analyze. It's a format that really, really works for a show that wants viewers to empathize with everybody in the cast. The show needs to use "Rebecca's worldview" on other characters because that's the kind of show it is!

imo it's such a neat move that the writers decided to explore how the introspective and emotional medium of musicals could work as a coping mechanism and I love it! But, if anything, making the main character literally have vivid mental music numbers does confuse the use of them in any other place when they're played more narratively straight lol

[katy-kt-katie]

Diana at the Gunmen’s

Fictober Day 24

What if Diana took Gibson’s scans to the gunmen instead of Scully, in “The End”

Tried to keep the critical dialogue on the same topics (when Scully asked about Diana in ep, I had Diana ask about her in this fic…had same gunman answering with similar details)

CW: Diana POV

********

“I have to disappear for a bit,” Scully said, entering the hall of the Psych Hospital.

Diana sensed Scully was on to something and wanted to know what it was, so she feigned niceness, “Agent Scully, you are doing so much,” she smiled. “Let me help you. Where are you headed?”

“Oh, I…”

“Let me help you,” Diana reassured, putting a comforting hand on the little red head’s shoulder.

“I was going to take Gibson’s scans to a few of Mulder’s friends. I can take care of it.”

“The Gunmen?”

“Yeah,” Scully turned to study her. “I guess you may know them from when you worked with Mulder before.”

“Of course. Are they still at the same little shack just West of Downtown.”

“Yep,” Scully nodded. “That’s the one.”

“I’ll take the scans. You stay with Gibson. He likes you the best anyway. He actually told me that,” Diana said. It was true, Gibson saw right through to Diana’s hidden agenda.

“Okay, I guess.” Scully said, handing the scans to Diana.

**********

Diana rang the buzzer; waited and then rang it again.

“Okay, hang on,” a familiar voice said over an intercom, “I’m coming.”

“Is somebody going to let me in?” Diana said.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…coming, coming,” the voice said.

Diana heard about seven locks click and was then greeted by Melvin Frohike who looked exactly the same as he had about a decade ago.

“Diana Fowley? It’s been…”

“A long time. Hi Melvin.”

“Sorry, you caught me getting ready for bed,” he teased as he stood in his pajamas. “Come in.”

“Thank you.”

“So…you are back?” Frohike said.

Byers and Langly made their way into the main room, after hearing someone at the door.

“Diana Fowley?” Byers said.

“Yes. Hi John,” she nodded and then turned and nodded again, “Richard.”

“I need you guys to help Agent Mulder and I by looking at these brain scans. Analyze the data.”

“Okay, we can help, but you said you are working with Agent Mulder?” Frohike said, placing the brain scans on an illuminated table.

“Of course,” Diana replied.

The three men looked at each other confused.

Byers giggled nervously, “What about Agent Scully?”

“Agent Scully?” Diana repeated, sighing.

“Yes,” Langly said, defensively.

It appeared this woman, Agent Scully, had admirers in Mulder’s friends too. Diana thought she ought to show interest in her if she hoped to have the Gunmen help her.

“Yes, of course. Agent Scully is helping too.”

Diana reached and flicked the light switch off behind the illuminated brain scans. “First, I want you guys to tell me about Agent Scully…since she is new at the FBI since I was last in Washington.”

“Scully?” Byers said and continued. “Mulder talks about her all the time.”

“So, you know her?” Diana asked.

“Yeah. She comes over with him a lot,” Byers continued.

Frohike jumped in, “She’s been Mulder’s partner now for,” he paused, clearly thinking, “almost six years. She’s incredibly smart and very beautiful.”

“They seem to be very close…” Diana said.

“She was there when the X Files were taken from him; never left his side; has saved his life several times. And she has an undergraduate degree in physics and is a medical doctor.” Langly said.

“He was there for her recently when she had a significant health scare. I always wondered why they haven’t gotten together, they are clearly in love.” Byers said.

Langly nodded in agreement.

“I still think they are already doing it…just don’t want people to know.” Frohike added, and winked at Diana.

Flustered, Diana shrugged and turned the switch to illuminate the scans. Her assignment: to get Mulder to choose his biological father and the Syndicate, was going to be much harder than she bargained for.

“Well why don’t you boys see what you can find on the scans and let me know,” she said. Leaving before they could see anymore of her frustration.

[yesokaythatsfine69]

In Need of A Stable Relationship (Jean Kirstein x reader)

Description: y/n's having a shitty week- mainly because she's tired of loving Jean because he doesn't feel the same way.

Character(s): y/n, Jean, Connie, Sasha, Eren, Mikasa, Levi

POV: 3rd person

Warning(s): cursing, little bit of angst, fluff

A/n: JEAN IS SO HOT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH he's such an absolute cutie and probably the second most attractive character in the series. I'll let you guess who's number one.

Word Count:

Song: listen to Agni kai- epic version by Samuel Kim. It's just cool.

*none of the gifs used are mine, full credit goes to the maker.

Y/n bit into her bread harshly, swallowing the lump thickly. "y/n? Are you okay?" Taking another harsh bite, y/n nodded at Armin. "I don't think I've ever seen you eat like that." Eren laughed, but his eyes remained wearily trained on her. "I'm just hungry." She grumbled, taking a third bite.

"Hey, but not even Sasha eats like that." Connie pointed to the girl who sat next to him, who was stuffing bread into her mouth like it was candy. When she noticed everyone's eyes on her, she looked side to side. Quickly swallowing, she smiled sheepishly.

Y/n rolled her eyes, quickly losing interest in the conversation. "Didn't captain Levi say that if we didn't have this place spotless by the time he got back we'd be eating our own shit?" Y/n got up from the table, and her chair squeaked against the wood floor.

"You're already done, y/n?" Mikasa approached the table, a tray in her hands. Y/n only took the young woman in dejectedly, giving her a small shrug. "Yeah, you can have my seat." Y/n grabbed her empty tray and left the group, leaving them to watch her silhouette retreat out of the lunch room.

A few seconds later Jean arrived, coming in the same way Y/n had exited. He was sweating, obviously having just got done training. He grabbed a tray and made his way to the table, sitting down beside Connie.

"What's up with y/n? She barely spoke to me just now." The table was silent. "I think she ate too much." Sasha said, as she put a hand on her stomach, her own face scrunched up in pain. Jean raised an eyebrow at his friend, his gaze moving away from Sasha to Armin. "She's been off with all of us recently. Maybe the scouts are getting to her." Armin spoke, shaking his head slightly.

Eren folded his arms across his chest, a sign that something was obviously bothering him. Jean watched the action sharply, his eyes narrowing the slightest. "Yeah, maybe." The rest of the time it was mostly quiet, a few different topics arose. Noticibly, Jean remained silent, barely eating.

His mind focused on her, analyzing everything she said, did. He could barely eat he was so engrossed in worry for his friend.

He missed y/n.

--------------------------------------------------

Y/n sighed. The stables were always dirty, but when you're in a bad mood- they seem dirtier. She grabbed her broom, fixing to sweep when a door opened. She turned, surprised at first- but then her shoulders relaxed when she saw who entered.

"Did you need something, Jean?" Jean's eyes widened. He had such pretty eyes, a lovely warm brown. In the soft glow of the stable lights they were illuminated and they sparkled. He was beautiful, and even her misplaced anger couldn't diminish that. Y/n felt a sinking feeling as she realized just how captivated she was. This was going to be harder than she thought.

Jean, swallowed and shut the door behind him. "I came to check on you. You seem off." Y/n just shrugged and turned away from him, continuing to sweep. "It doesn't really matter."

In less than four steps, he caught up with her, grabbing onto her arm. "Hey, what's wrong with you? You're obviously mad- instead of just sulking maybe you should-" y/n spun around to face him.

"Shut up Jean! Just shut up!" She stabbed a finger at him. "Maybe I should just blow up like you do, without thinking or caring about the consequences of my actions. I'm sure that would just solve all my problems!" She huffed at him.

Jean straightened. "So this is about me?" Y/n's eyes widened. "No!" His eyes widened. "I never said I was perfect, y/n but..." He closed his eyes. "You...you're acting like a child!" She stared at him.

Before she could even acknowledge what she was doing her arm flew forward and she punched him square in the face. He grabbed his jaw, his doe eyes wide.

Y/n's own eyes widened and she clutched her hand. Pain erupted from her knuckles, but she ignored it, watching in fear as Jean clutched his face, staring at her in shock. "Oh God, Jean I'm so sorry...I- I..." He only winced, removing his hand. "Your right hook has gotten better."

Y/n stared at him. "But it still doesn't compare to mine!" Jean swung barely missing her as she ducked, side stepping him. The two fought, hand to hand combat style. Again Jean tried to swing but y/n was still to fast, ducking and landing a hit to his chest. He grunted but quickly regained his balance.

Jean swung again, but this time y/n caught his first, bring his face inches from her own. Then without warning he sideswiped her feet, bringing them both tumbling down.

Jean landed on his elbows above her, both out of breath. Finally, Jean caught his, looking down at y/n with sincere worry.

"What's wrong, y/n?" He asked again, his gaze gentle. She sniffed and looked away.

Silence.

"please, tell me. I want to help you." He spoke barely above a whisper, afraid he'd scare her off.

Finally, she spoke. She gave up.

"I-I love you."

Silence.

Tears streamed down her cheeks.

"And you...you don't love me."

She let out a sob then, more tears streaking down her face. Her hand wrapped around her mouth, a feeble attempt to subdue her cries.

She flinched when his hand reached over to her, gently cupping her cheek. He guided her to be directly in front of him.

But his face surprised her, he looked pissed. Jean was gritting his teeth in frustration, "How could you say that? Damnit! You can't just- You could've just asked."

"What?"

"Of course I love you! You're y/n y/l/n. You make life bearable, you make my day, my night. After Marco died- you were there for me. You've always been. I'd... I'd have to be an idiot to not...to not love you, y/n." Unshed tears shined in his eyes. "Of course, I love you."

Y/n frowned. "But Mikasa, I thought you-" "That was a year ago, y/n." they stared at each other, the truth finally sinking in.

Then, she smiled. Jean arched a brow as y/n wrapped her legs around his waist, a blush erupting on her cheeks.

Then suddenly she spun the two of them around, switching their positions. "Then why the hell didn't you say anything! You could've not wasted my time- the precious time I have." Again, Jean gritted his teeth. "Well, I thought you liked Yaegar! Considering the fact that you follow him around like a lost puppy!"

Y/n stared at Jean, who glared from under her. Then she bursted out laughing, a different type of tear streaming from her eyes. "You thought I liked Eren and I thought you liked Mikasa?" She laughed, slapping her thigh.

"We're both a pair of idiots!" Jean's scrowl slowly dropped, a smile slipping onto his face until he too began laughing hysterically with y/n.

Finally, She wiped her face, about to get up off of Jean but he grabbed her hand. His thumb gently ran through the knuckles, and he smiled.

"What's the rush, y/n? I like this view." Y/n flicked him, and got up, giving him a hand. He hopped up, but kept their hands intertwined.

Jean pulled their connected hands to his heart, and thus pulled her closer. Y/n closed the space between them, and Jean wrapped his free hand around her waist, settling his palm in the small of back.

The kiss was sweet, Jean's lips were soft and he dipped his head in deeper, catching her breathe. She snagged his bottom lip in her teeth, gently tugging. He tasted sweet, and it made her giggle, the thought of her hothead being anything but spicy- it was poetic.

"y/n..." He breathed, removing his lips from hers and peppering her face with sweet kisses, moving down to her neck. Her breathe caught at how soft he was.

"Oi, I didn't realize that the stables were suddenly designated for snogging." Y/n and Jean's eyes shot open, them freezing their minstrations. Captain Levi stood before them, his arms crossed.

In a flash they separated, putting a safe social distance between the two of them. Simultaneously giving him a salute, they spoke "Captain Levi!"

"Tch, save it you shits. You're both on horse shit duty. Separately." His eyes flickered dangerously between the two of them. "For how long?" Jean asked, his face pale. Jean hated getting in trouble, though it often found him because of his hotheaded nature.

"Until you start hating it, horse boy." Levi's eyes dangerously glittered at him. "Now, I expect you two dumbasses to have this place spotless by the morning." He leaned against the wall and Jean and y/n shared a look.

Sighing she picked up her broom and Jean grabbed the mop. Under the watchful eye of their captain they cleaned, but even under the burden of being in trouble the two could barely wipe away their smiles of delight.

"Will you two shitheads stop smiling, it sickens me."

--------------------------------------------------

A/n: hey guys this one isn't my favorite prolly because I psyched myself out with doing Jean. Anyways feel free to give critism and feedback. Thanks for reading + happy new year

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[zustinviews]

Why You Gotta Be So Rude? - Justin Bieber imagine

Pairing: Reader x Justin Bieber

Request: ‘Can you do am imagine where Justin is rlly rude to his girlfriend infront of everyone and no one knows how to react. Also can she be like an insta baddie looking girl but not actually famous (like she normally and in uni) Thanks x’

A/N: pls bear with me on this. it’s my first imagine in a long as time and it may or may not be the greatest. but still show some love. requests are also opened and welcomed. :) happy reading!

{Y/N POV}

“Any more questions class?” Professor Sanders questioned. Some of the class answered him while the rest were too busy catching up on the sleep they missed out on from the night before. Last night I couldn’t lie was pretty wild. Some people on campus threw me a party, congratulating me on getting signed to a modeling agency.

I was pretty well known on Instagram for my posts, so of course everyone was either trying to be my friend or in some cases, trying to hook up with me. But luckily for me, I had a boyfriend who was always there for me and made sure the handsy people kept their hands away from me.

“Well if there are no more questions, class dismissed.” 

Those who were sleeping immediately perked up when they heard those words and packed whatever was on their desk into the bag, before running out of the room to their next class, if they had one. I packed away my things in a timely manner as well, making sure I wasn’t the last one left in the room.

From time to time, I was the last person in the room and things got pretty weird if I must say between Sanders and I. 

Once I was out of there, I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and decided to give Justin a ring and see what he was up to.

“Hey Justin. What are you doing right now?”

“On a jet.”

“Ohhh-kay? Where to exactly?”

“Does it really matter where I’m going? Just worry about yourself and I’ll worry about myself.”

(A/N: everyone right now)

With that, he hung up the phone, not even giving me a chance to fire back with something. I stared at my phone in complete confusion, trying to figure out what the hell I could’ve done now to annoy him.

As of lately, Justin had been acting a little.. off. Every time I would call him, he would be extremely busy or he was pissed off at me, for no apparent reason. It seemed like I could never do anything to fully please him. I was starting to think that maybe it was because I never invited Justin to the signing party but, he never invited me to his. so what’s the problem?

I shut off my phone and replaced it in my back pocket. I decided to head back to my dorm room considering I had no more classes for the rest of the day. 

Once in there, I was greeted by my room mate.

“Oh hey Lana, I didn’t know you were going to be in here.” I said, a little taken back by her presence. “Don’t you have psych at this time?” I questioned the female who was taking residence on my bed. “And what the hell are you doing on my bed?”

“We need to talk.” She replied. At first I was thinking that she wasn’t being serious, she was joking. But after carefully analyzing her tone of voice and body language, I realized that she wasn’t joking.

I let out a loud sigh before fully closing the door behind me and taking a seat next to her on my bed. “What did I do now?”

“Why in the good God’s name are you still dating him? Like I know I’m not the greatest with guys but, {Y/N}, you can do so much better than Justin.” Lana said.

“Are you really going to lecture me on my love life? Lana, I love you but you aren’t my damn mother. I can take care of myself.” I responded in sheer annoyance.

“I understand that {Y/N} but, what you and Justin have going on isn’t love. Well, not anymore. He’s only with you for your looks and both you and I know that.”

“That’s not true. Justin’s with me because he loves me. What would you know about our relationship? You are neither Justin or me,” I scoffed. “And you are right, you aren’t the greatest with guys. Don’t even think about worrying about my love life.”

“I’m not worrying about your love life, I just care about you and your feelings, that’s all.”

“Well stop caring. Justin’s with me because he loves me and that’s final.” With that, I threw my bag over my shoulder and proceeded towards the door. Lana just so happened to decide to get the last word in.

“If he loves you so much, he wouldn’t be treating you like you’re gum on the bottom of his shoes.”

A/N: part two to this imagine will be coming soon :)

[marper-didnt-die-for-blecho]

22-33 for Avatar question time :)

Thanks so much for the ask!

22. How much do you like tea?

I like tea a lot, actually. I’m not really an expert, but I’m from southern USA, and we’re obsessed with our sweet tea. Also, my grandmother is a tea expert, and she’s always having me try different kinds of teas and they all taste pretty good tbh.

23: azula: psychopath or mentally ill?

Psychopathy is a mental illness, but I don’t have enough experience with it to say whether she is one or not. I do believe she suffers from other mental illnesses, some that she grew into because of her horrible ass parents, others that come with being royalty. I could analyze Azula’s psyche all day.

24: how much do you like the cabbage guy?

He himself is kind of an asshole (well deserved, but still), but he’s always good for a laugh. Those poor cabbages tho...

25: funniest scene

Too many!! I can’t choose between “Cactus water,” “lUnAR GOODNESS,” “You know what I like about Appa? His sense of humor,” the Ember Island Players’ version of Toph, “HoW CAn yOu saY tHAt???” The Cave of Two Lovers scene where Sokka keeps smacking his forehead anytime the nomads even think about breathing... The guy who’s always foaming at the mouth... look.. can anyone just choose one scene??

26: saddest scene

Azula crying and screaming after the final Agni Kai. There are a lot of sad moments in the series, but most of them are only shown to us through POV flashbacks or are off screen. That scene of Azula was shown to us in real time, without any kind of filter. It was arguably one of the best written character arc endings of the entire show. There was no other scene that gave us this raw, broken, gut wrenching emotion. 

27: favorite episode

Oh boy. The Beach. I really need an AU where Zuko never leaves the Fire Nation, and the four of them do shit like that all day everyday like wtf these Fire Nation kids are my life.

28: which element is the strongest?

Well, by using the word strongest, earth would instantly win being that it’s the only element that’s actually solid enough to hold the weight of other objects (ice too, but it’s water, not ice). Now, for which element is strongest in the non literal way, I don’t have an answer because I think that one of the strong subplots of the show is that all of the elements are strong and weak equally yet uniquely. The show gives a lot of weight to Yin and Yang, the idea that everything has an opposite and an equal in every way. Fire both destroys and creates on it’s own, but so do water, earth, and air. And at the same time, they can help and harm one another. They needed to be able to wield and understand all four elements in order to truly be able to bring peace to the world. Teamwork makes the dream work, baby.

29: do you like the comics?

The comics were shit. Moving on.

30: least favorite episode

The Southern Raiders lmao. Not what you were expecting from me, right? Idk man... I feel weird everytime I watch it, like... I’m good on that, g.

31: outfits you loved the most!

Katara in her Fire Nation outfit. Spirit Yue. Azula in her Earth Kingdom outfit. Azula with her hair down. Zuko with the wind in his hair and no shirt. Toph in her pjs with bed hair. Sokka in his war paint. Sokka in his Kyoshi Warrior fit. Aang in his Fire Nation Uniform (i love his headband). Azula the day of the final Agni Kai. The Painted Lady... All of Katara and Azula’s looks were blessed by Yue herself.

32: your opinion on kataras development after The last Airbender to Legend of Korra (based on comics and Lok)

You mean the deterioration of her character? I’m pretty neutral to the whole thing, I think. Sometimes, things just go wrong, and all you can do is roll with the punches through the heartbreak tbh. (Lmao whomstever made these questions wanted discourse and I love it.)

33: how often have you watched it?

I watch a:tla all the way through about once every other month. Sometimes more if I’m really craving it.

[mryddinwilt]

My Month In Media: May

Trying something new and doing a little review of stuff I have read/watched/listened to each month in case anyone wants to talk about them. 

Watched/Watching

Anne with an E - I only got through the first three episodes. Huge disappointment for me as it seemed to entirely miss the point. 

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Still enjoying this one. Titus “lemonading” was the best and “Kimmy is a Feminist” had me rolling. 

Lucifer - I think it’s getting better and better. I am barely interested in Deckerstar but can’t get enough of all the other characters. Very excited to see where it goes next season. 

iZombie - Another outstanding ensemble that I am happy is airing new episodes while everything else goes on hiatus. 

Still Star Crossed - Excellent pilot but I am leery as I have never watched a Shonda show and I am afraid of getting sucked in. 

The Americans - I love Philip and Elizabeth so much and even Paige has grown on me this season. It’s a very hard show for me to watch but it’s also so fascinating that I can’t not watch it. 

Beauty and the Beast (2014) - Was not a fan of the latest Disney version and found this French version on Netflix. It’s visually fantastic and a more magical and faithful retelling but I wasn’t totally sold on Belle and Beasts’ relationship. Mostly it just gave me ideas (which isn’t a bad thing really) 

Read

There was a bit of a theme this month as I am investigating the romance genre a little bit... 

Seven Regency romances including three of the Bedwyn series by Mary Balogh and two by Mary Robinette Kowal that are Regency with a dash of fantasy and part of her glamourist histories series. Mostly this just made me realize how much Regency as a historical time period is a farce and what we read is really a fantasy version of it. 

Beyond Heaving Bosoms: The Smart Bitches' Guide to Romance Novels - It’s an interesting and funny analysis of the romance genre and I learned a lot. A bit dated because it was published in 2009 and not at all academic but very fun. 

Burning Glass by Kathryn Purdie - YA fantasy where the MC is empathic ie her power is that she feels other peoples emotions. This leads to issues because she can’t tell her emotions from others and strong emotions can over take her. It’s sent in a fantasy Russia type world and there is a love triangle with two brothers. I found the MC deeply unlikable but stuck around for one of the brothers. 

Sun and Moon, Ice and Snow by Jessica Day George -So the new Disney Beauty and the Beast prompted me to pick up stories related to the fairytale. This one is a retelling of East of the Sun and West of the Moon. It’s a fairly straight retelling but very enjoyable and fun. I found myself more into the family relationships than the romance. 

Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis - This is a retelling of the Cupid and Psyche myth (which is very similar to East of the Sun and West of the Moon) but from the POV of the ugly stepsister. The story it tells is not as interesting as the character telling it and the philosophical questions that are analyzed as a result. It’s the kind of deep I know I’m gonna have to reread to really get. 

“I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?” 

Listened

Yeah beyond my normal podcasts it was basically the Once Upon A Time Musical soundtrack on repeat... 

[metatiki]

Life ramblings

Speaking about my life in any kind of public forum has always been exceptionally difficult for me. Even though I know to the most absolute degree that no one will care what I have to say, talking about something as simple as a haircut can make me nervous and make me delete/rewrite/never bother with a post.

Case in point: the reason I've been pretty much only slightly ghosting on Tumblr and nonexistent on Dreamwidth: changes in my life.

It's one thing to endlessly research and learn and analyze and wonder, but it's always another to actually begin the journey, especially when you start it so much later than most. Self-discovery for me is a winding trail with several side paths that I always want to explore, and that makes it a road which can take me quite a while to traverse to the next important crossroads.

For the one or two of you who might actually read this, buckle up. This really is a ramble.

Coming to the realization that I was transgender was both easy and gradual. Easy, because once that bulb turned on, it explained a myriad of different behaviors, preferences, and ideations. Yet it was also gradual, because I literally had no framework to even think it might be a thing for me until I met and RP’d in a group with an FTM a while ago. I suppose to younger people it might be mind-boggling that I’d never even considered it a reality until then, but without any media presence (and I have a very narrow view of pop culture as it is anyway) or literary examples, the idea that I might actually be a man rather than masculine-leaning woman was a foreign one, and certainly not something I could apply to myself in any substantial sense. So I had to realize it was a thing, and then research gender dysphoria to see if it was just a wild idea, or if I fit the criteria. And boy, did I, to a T. *cough*

Once I figured that out, I then had to decide if I want to transition or simply accept the diagnosis and see if I could just live the rest of my life. After all, it's been over twenty years since I was in high school, after all, and I've gotten college degrees, married, divorced, and been an employee at multiple companies in that time. I’d obviously been able to live this way for a number of years as an adult, so could I simply continue and simply make small allowances here or there? Transitioning at any age is never easy, but the challenges differ from one age group to the next. I had to carefully weigh my choices and make the final decision - which was that I absolutely did not want to finish my life as a woman.

I've been absolutely fortunate to have a supportive network of family and friends, and work so far has been accepting (though it's not generally public knowledge there yet). Still, there's a lot I have to sort out, from inside my head to determining how I fit in the outside world (not that I ever figured that out in the first place).

And with that new male self-identity in place, other aspects of my life have shifted in fundamental but subtle ways. I'm a feminist, but not a woman. I'm questioning my sexuality (again), but it hasn't really changed so much as the POV to consider it has altered. I'm re-centering myself in the world in a way that I completely ignored before because everything was wrong so it didn't seem worth it to try. I'm actually working on my health seriously for the first time in my entire life - again, never a concern because my body was completely disconnected from me prior to acknowledging what I truly am. I'm analyzing my ASD and introvertism and a myriad of other things, wondering what will change and what won't, what was me and what was the result of my social and gender dysphoria. All this while my body is literally changing and my psyche shifts to the most calm and *right* it has ever felt since before puberty.

It's fucking amazing and fucking terrifying, all at once. And I don't regret the decision for an instant.

As for fandom, I certainly identify more closely with male protagonists and mlm romances now. To be fair, that was building as I came closer and closer to my decision to transition, but now that all that is settling into place, I understand so much more about my writing and my preferred POVs, why my favorite characters are who they are, and why I feel so distant from certain characters and ships. I had to put my playthrough of Andromeda completely on hold because I'm hoping (against hope) that the mlm romances will be improved as they promised. Ironically, I was finally able to complete a run-through of the original Mass Effect trilogy because I stopped trying to play as a woman and just gaymanced my way through with an M!Shenko story that, despite its flaws, I absolutely adored. I'm even going to go back and replay DA2 with a male Hawke and see if I connect better. Oh, and my former canon Hawke? Yup. Transgender man, always was. I just didn't realize that either.

It has put a distance between me and Tumblr, though. It's subtle, but I notice it when I try to re-engage with fandom and utterly fail. I've distanced myself from my old blog and presence even further and pretty much abandoned the two sub-communities within the fandom that I tried haphazardly to belong to: writing and modding.

For writing, I have three major stories left open/unfinished: my Warden story, my Cullrian fic where Dorian becomes the Inquisitor, and my canon Inquisitor Martin Trevelyan story. I adore my Warden, but I feel so distant from her that I wonder if I'll ever pick that up again. I love my Inquisitor Dorian story as well - I had so much politics and fun with derailing the canon plot planned for that one - and of the three, it's the one I'm most likely to return to writing. The one I want to do the most is my Martin Trevelyan story, but I'm not sure I want to pour myself into writing that story when I'm feeling so distant from the fandom itself. I don't write for accolades, necessarily, but I do like to feel a connection between my readers and myself for fic, and the time for DAI has come and gone. It's hard to write when I feel that no one will read it.

As for modding, I now regret my involvement in that community. I don't have a suitable personality or a viable skillset to offer, and I should have just backed out early and let someone else take over and do what I did, but better. A couple of other blogs have stepped up to the plate, for which I am grateful, but it's a weekly debate with myself whether or not I should just delete that sideblog - heck, my whole Tumblr - and simply move on. The only reason I don't is that I know there are quite a few links to some of the tutorials and lists on the sideblog, and I feel it would be unfair to do so. Yet I tried and failed at Discord, and am completely disinterested in modding ME:A, so I think that ship will not sail again.

In addition to that, I've been in a constant re-evaluation of my online presence and what it means. The release of ME:A had me intrigued at first, but as time has progressed, I've come to realize that even though I enjoy and love the game itself, I feel no connection whatsoever to other fans of it. I don't like the fanart, I don't like the same characters as everyone else, and I simply don’t experience it in the same way I'm seeing it on my dash. People are leaving Dragon Age behind again (which is fine, fandoms are always circular), but I don't choose to move on. And it's getting harder and harder to find meaningful ways to interact with what remains of the parts of fandom I am interested in. Outside of my perennial RPs (which is still Dragon Age), I don't really maintain an online presence except for what little I've struggled to establish here on Tumblr - and the value is diminishing enough that I wonder how long I'll be around.

So. Anyway. Many ramblings later, I guess I just needed to get all that out and written down somewhere. My apologies if you actually read all this. And kudos, as well.

At least Tiki is a unisex name. That I don't have to change.

Tiki on Dreamwidth | AO3 | FF.net