#I love Vox he’s a perfect disaster

[voxiiferous]

**| Interesting revelations of the evening!

I’m not certain Vox has ever actually fired a gun. He’s certainly never owned one. Most of the time if he needs to cause pain his just sort of… goes zappy on them. Flesh doesn’t take kindly to massive amounts of electricity!

Hah! Now that I have drawn you in with fun hc there’s the more serious examination of themes. A consequence of when I started writing Vox is the fact that I could not turn off the university part of my brain that’s just like “if you were to write an essay for him what are the themes you would focus on? What DEFINES him???” And the answer was performance, because clearly right? He’s TV man.

And this had the unintentional side effect of earning him the “not as bad a person as you could have been” award because if he was a really bad boss, and I leaned more into the corrupt businessman aspects of him, then that core theme would have been less performance and more consumerism and capitalism. Which I decided was not thematically relevant and would have just detracted from the overall character I wanted to write.

If I had to pick his main three vibes it’s: performance in big bold letters (more on that in a sec), modernization (not capitalism or consumerism, but specifically that transition of technology and opinion), and a very sci-fi concern of what is a human? Is he still?

but but but going back to the performance. It’s so key to how I write him. Like there’s the literal performance aspect on screen, but it’s more than that. As Vincent he performs a veneer of, if not heterosexuality, than at least… not queerness. But otherwise he’s still very much him. Sure his charm was taught, but he made it a part of himself, it’s not a performance anymore, he has things he enjoys and doesn’t, and is, more or less, honest in that. Vox is… not that. It’s why in the 1946!Vincent content, the fun is forcing Vox to acknowledge himself. He has to step beyond the performance, he has to see backstage essentially. He has to be vulnerable.

And vulnerability is something that cannot exist in the Overlord Vox persona, which he is constantly inhabiting. But at the same time that’s not who he actually is, but it’s who he’s performing as, even to himself. He’s always on this knife’s edge of self reflection and juuust missing the point, because if he goes to close to the truth, the masquerade falls apart.

There’s this line from the song All for Believing by Missy Higgins that’s great here, and it’s “But I see you painted your soul into your guard”, and it’s super true for Vox. Overlord Vox is the face of every new product, he derides the old as outdated, he’s ruthless, and powerful and confident. Nothing gets under the skin of Overlord Vox, not even a broken screen, see him laughing in Voxtagram? Laugh with him. It keeps him safe, it’s the image that’s given him power and control and the successful end result to all the ambition that is still a core part of him.

Vox however??? Vox is a bit of romantic, and he loves swing music, and black and white game shows, he’s an insomniac and a bit of nerd. It’s not that Overlord Vox isn’t him, because like the lyrics says, it’s been painted into. Overlord Vox is the strongest parts of himself people take seriously and made into a living, breathing part of himself. It’s a shield and a half truth.

Money does play a role, but it’s a tertiary one at best. He has more money than God, he owns everything under the sun, great, great, it plays the role it needs to and is otherwise vague. What is he doing with his money??? Uhh, I don’t know, who cares?

The modernization works in with the performance, though that’s another post of its own. So please enjoy this somewhat rambling roundabout examination of why my Vox is, all things considered, not that bad a dude. It’s about the pretentious English major themes, and that being the least interesting thing to explore for me. (Just see his playlist, it’s basically all “look at me, look at me, look at what I’m showing you, don’t look over there behind the scenes).

[velvet-games]

fucked up staticmoth time! (no idea if this is good or not lol; I've never written dead dove-adjacent stuff before)

cw for dub/non-con, (extremely) unhealthy relationship dynamics, acephobia, racism

I wrote vox as kind of a disaster bi that fell in love with everyone in favorite, which I thought would be incompatible with aroace vox, but! I think it's perfect actually.

I present to you:

aroace vox who was rejected by everyone, who never had enough actual romantic/sexual experience in life to realize she'd never felt allo attraction (she does love very deeply, just not like that)

asian vox who feels emasculated by the stereotype that asian men are impotent/undesirable and will fight to the death to prove that he does indeed fuck (she doesn't)

transfem vox who is so unbelievably repressed that she overcompensates by playing the role of a dominant, hypersexual man after death

vox who is so immediately enamored by valentino's attention that she interprets the feeling of validation as love

vox who starts to believe that alastor's criticisms of her must've meant he was just a heartless asshole and never really her friend in the first place

(mildly) sex-repulsed vox who learns from valentino that love and sex are supposed to feel uncomfortable and scary

valentino who implies on several occasions that aroace people aren't real; they're just boring prudes who aren't hot enough get laid! sex is a part of human nature, mi amor; relax, it's all in your head.

sex-repulsed vox who loves valentino anyway, because the moments of genuine comfort and affection are special to her

they'll always be special to her, unfortunately

sex-repulsed vox who is so paranoid about valentino getting bored of her that she discovers her hypnosis powers while trying to convince him to fuck her

he still wants to fuck her, right? she's still worth something?

maybe val never really liked her, maybe he was lying about finding her attractive, but vox can make sure he wants to stay. and it's supposed to feel bad when it happens; it's the least she can do to endure it ...

vox who starts to feel sick to her stomach thinking about valentino touching her, but it's just butterflies. she's just nervous. she's just in love.

vox who gets trigger happy and starts hypnotizing val when he shows any signs of being out of her control

vox who eventually can't tell how much the hypnosis has done and how much of val is actually intact

vox who wants to care about that last part, but who does she have if valentino leaves her?

[nostalgiclittlespace]

can you write a fic about CG!Rosie looking after Little!Vox for the day but Vox is jealous that Rosie's paying more attention to Alastor?

(Vox''s little age is 2-3 and Alastor's little age is 0-2)

Sure thing, anon! Here you go, I hope you enjoy :). Al and Vox are needy Littles, but we love them 😁. And Rosie is the perfect CG of course. (I definitely didn’t project my longing for affection and insecurity onto Vox, why would you think that)

SFW, PLATONIC AGE REGRESSION FIC. DNI IF NSFW, KINK, PROSHIP, OR SIMILAR. DO NOT REPOST TO OTHER SITES.

Title: Double Trouble Word count: 1316

Pairing: Little! Vox & Little! Alastor & CG! Rosie.

Summary: While Rosie is babysitting two Little Overlords, Alastor and Vox, the latter starts to feel left out. Big feelings, minor tantrums, and forgiveness happens.

Double Trouble

The room over Rosie’s Emporium echoed with the squeals and playful madness of the two Little ones Rosie was currently babysitting.  There, they were protected from the gruesome, Hellish nonsense happening beyond the Emporium.  Even for three Overlords, perhaps the three strongest sinners in all Hell, this safety was beyond welcome.

Well, though it was safe, it certainly wasn’t peaceful.  Both Vox and Alastor had the unfortunate habit of discovering trouble.  Luckily, Rosie had grown adept at wrangling them, and keeping them entertained.

At the moment, random toy cars, rattles, tethers, and stuffed animals littered the shared play area.  Rosie, Alastor, and Vox sat amongst the chaotic, playtime mess as well, the latter two crawling and playing wildly.  Rosie, much more composed, handed Alastor his pacifier (he had been attempting to chew his fingers again.)

“Here you go, hun.  Much better, hm?” Auntie Rosie smiled softly, placing the soother into his mouth.

Alastor mumbled something in reply, immediately crawling closer and clambering into her lap.  His incoherent babbling only increased Rosie’s fondness and grew her smile wider still.

Something Vox noticed very quickly.

Crawling over to her, he tugged on her sleeve.

“I wanna play wit’ you more!” he informed her, holding out a toy car for her to steer.

“Okay, darling.  Just a minute, alright?” Rosie smiled at him before returning her attention to Alastor, who had pulled on her collar the moment she paid any attention to the other Little.

Vox pouted to himself, hugging his toy car to his chest.  He didn’t like it when Auntie Rosie gave all her attention to Alastor; it just wasn’t fair!  She was his Auntie too!

Silently, Vox pouted, watching the way Rosie held Alastor in her lap.  The icky feeling lingered and increased every second he watched them.  He just wanted it to be fair, for him to get the attention Alastor did in equal measure.

Looking around the room, he looked for a way to get Rosie’s attention.  His eyes fell on the train set Alastor had been building together earlier that day.  The railroads had been put together, animals and trees on the sidelines, and even several town buildings had been crafted from colorful blocks.

A haphazard, juvenile plan formed in his mind and he wandered to the toy tracks.  Without thinking of consequence, only that Rosie would finally tear her eyes away from Alastor, Vox gave the toy trains a good kick, thus knocking them over with a clatter.

Vox stood over the newly made mess, and before he could really comprehend whether he did the right thing, an unhappy shriek pierced the air behind him.

“Vox!” Rosie called him, her voice stern but not accusatory.  “Did you tip over Alastor’s trains?”

“Yes,” he replied, seeing no point in lying,

“And was it an accident?” Rosie inquired while Alastor whined in disappointment as he surveyed the disaster area.  His pacifier had fallen out of his mouth, Vox noted, and his permanent smile had turned utterly strained.

“No,” Vox answered stiffly.

Rosie stared at him for a moment.  After a few beats, she managed to give Alastor his pacifier back, and he was momentarily appeased.

“Okay.  Why did you wreck Al’s toys then?” she asked, not raising her voice in the least.

Nonetheless, Vox slowly realized that maybe this wasn’t the best path to take.  She only felt bad for Alastor, not for him!  Why wasn’t she caring more about him!?

“Because!” he settled on angrily.

“Was it because of a big feeling?” Rosie asked, taking the outburst in stride.  This wasn’t the first time she had dealt with tantrums, and she knew full and well that they could manifest due to overwhelm.

Considering her question, Vox paused for a moment.  Was seeing Alastor get all the attention causing a big feeling?  Yes, it was.  And one he couldn’t very well explain either.

“Yes,” Vox replied stiffly.

“What kind of feeling was it?  Were you scared, sad?” Rosie’s voice maintained its usual compassion.

“I don’t know!” Vox grumbled, pouting and stamping his foot.  He wrung out his hands and rocked back and forth, trying to rid himself of the sticky, infectious feelings that still lingered.

Luckily, Rosie always knew what to do.  Placing a hand on his shoulder, she squeezed it reassuringly—thus keeping his attention on the present.  The familiar touches ebbed away at the bad emotions a little too.

“How about you color me a picture to show me?” Rosie suggested.

Vox thought for a moment before nodding.  Drawing a picture to show the big feelings they really couldn’t explain had become a frequent activity in their safe haven.  The weight of being an Overlord thrust upon a child often left both Alastor and Vox drained, irritable, or even plain sad.  Rosie’s idea to color the feelings made them a lot easier to understand.  And somehow, she could interpret the colors, the strength of their stroke, and the shapes without failure.

Crawling over to their craft table, Vox snatched a piece of paper, then sifted through the crayons.  Rosie, with Alastor held on her hip, approached the table as well, sitting beside and watching him.

Black and green crayons scribbled across the paper in wild, fast lines.  The colors blended together nonsensically—a stark contrast to Vox’s usual care in his art projects.  

Rosie didn’t say anything until he set all the crayons back into their box.  With his pout not quite gone, he slid the sheet over to her. 

“It looks like you were feeling an awful lot, darling,” Rosie said gently as she admired it.  “What made you feel so upset, hm?”

Vox kicked his foot, staring down at the floor.  

“Al gets all the attention,” Vox grumbled quietly.

“I see.  Were you upset when I was talking to Al and not playing cars with you?”

“Yeah,” Vox nodded. 

Rosie thought for a moment before opening the arm that wasn’t currently holding Alastor.  Vox, feeling a little vindicated, accepted the hug.  With a quick adjustment, both he and Alastor fit perfectly in her arms.

“How about, after Alastor goes down for his nap, we can have some play time.  Just the two of us,” Rosie suggested.

“Really?” Vox inquired.

“Yes, really.  But you will still need to take your nap too, mister.  But I think we can delay it by fifteen minutes.”

“Okay.  T’ank you, Auntie Rosie,” Vox smiled, hugging her again.

“You’re very welcome, hun,” she laughed softly.  “But, first things first; you need to apologize to Alastor, then put his trains back together.  Can you do that?”

Vox nodded, knowing the punishment fit the crime.  It wasn’t even punishment really—it was only fair that he fixed the mess he made.  And Vox only wanted things to be fair after all.

Turning to Alastor, who stared right back with wide doe eyes, Vox said genuinely, “I am sorry I wrecked your train station, Al.  I’ll put it back just the way it was.  Do you forgive me?”

Alastor’s expression and ears quirked in thought for a moment before his head bobbed a short nod.  Crawling out of Rosie’s lap, the little Radio Demon snagged Vox’s hand and toddled them both over to the toys.  Plopping down, Alastor patted the spot next to him, clearly gesturing for Vox to sit too.

Vox gladly obliged, and immediately replaced all the wooden tracks and the plastic wildlife he had toppled.  Rosie followed shortly behind them, watching the two play and make up. 

She tapped Vox on the shoulder, saying, “Good job, dear.  And remember that if you feel left out, you just need to tell me.  I’m sorry if I made you feel like Alastor gets all my attention.”

“I forgive you, Auntie Rosie,” Vox smiled softly. 

He gave her a quick hug, until Alastor pulled on his sleeve, wordlessly demanding that he return his attention to the very important business of trains tracks.  

[dailyexo]

[NEWS] EXO’s Best Tracks of 2021

"MTV: BEST K-POP B-SIDES OF 2021

5. Kai - Come In

Kai’s Peaches is a near-perfect, no-skips collection of songs hand-picked like fruit at their ripened peak. “Come In” is the most intoxicating of the bunch. Dreamy in its distortion, the song envelops you in ambient warmth, then uses hypnotic repetition to lull the listener into soporific comfort, like musical ASMR. “I get closer to your ear / So that only my breath can reach you,” Kai murmurs above a pulsing rhythm that slowly begins to resemble a heartbeat. “Don't leave me alone, come into me.”

11. Baekhyun - All I Got

“All I Got” is what the eyes emoji would sound like if it were a song: thirsty as hell. “Two small beds stacked next to each other… On a night when there is nothing to watch on TV / What can we do?” Baekhyun asks innocently before pulling out his ace: a goosebump-inducing falsetto. As the night wears on, his voice rockets to stratospheric heights, his love as expansive as his vocal range.

PhilSTAR L!fe: 21 K-pop b-sides that stole our hearts in 2021

1. D.O. - My Love

My Love is Do Kyungsoo in a song. It’s intimate, alluring, and it offers many layers that entice you to listen more. The acoustic confession doesn’t feature any grandiose instrumentals, however, it draws listeners in from the very first note. Opening your heart to someone who feels like home is not easy, but D.O.’s emotive voice is the best way to express its heartfelt lyrics without holding back.

God-tier: With its vulnerable lyrics and acoustic melody, My Love is proof that you don’t have to be the most extra to draw attention.

16. Baekhyun - All I Got

EXO’s Baekhyun and panty-dropping R&B tracks always go hand-in-hand—and All I Got is one of the clear examples why. The opening beat of the song commands attention as the bass acts as a blank canvas for Baekhyun to flex his vocal abilities until the final note. A satisfying track filled with spectacular adlibs and jaw-dropping falsettos that that only he is capable of doing.

God-tier: Baekhyun starting off the song with his soulful falsetto sent us screaming, “More, Baekhyun!”

Genius Korea: 20 Best B-Sides of 2021 by Genius Korea

10. EXO - Runaway

Inarguably comprised of some of the strongest vocalists in K-Pop, EXO knows how to play to their strengths. “Runaway” is an R&B song with sparse guitar giving space for the group’s vocals. While being a repetitive track in terms of its lyrics which isn’t without purpose, EXO makes sure the track doesn’t turn boring. Each member flexes their beautiful vocal talents on the song, making each segment of the song unique including the chorus. It is a delight for listeners as members harmonize with each other during vocal adlibs and runs.

NME: The 25 best K-pop songs of 2021

16. D.O. - Rose

D.O.’s approach to his solo material has always been a tad refreshing – especially when you consider his releases among the sea of sleek R&B that most male soloists tend to offer (see some of his contemporaries on this list, for example).

While he does dip his toes into trends every now and then, as heard throughout his understatedly splendid debut solo album ‘공감 (Empathy)’, D.O.’s specialty lies in the simplicity, and lead single ‘Rose’ checks all the boxes. No frills, just the EXO singer’s honeyed vocals backed by a perky acoustic guitar, ‘Rose’ puts D.O.’s boyish charms on full display and captures innocent romance to a delightful and magnetic effect.

Best bit: We can’t help it, but the accompanying music video, which follows an oblivious and infatuated D.O. as he casually maneuvers out of every disaster life throws his way unscathed, elevates the song’s lovestruck message in the most endearing way.

The Daily Vox: The ultimate 2021 K-pop playlist

D.O. - Si Fueras Mía

EXO member D.O. made his solo debut this year and as expected it was fantastic. He played to his strengths in the album with some surprising charms. The title track and video were extremely good but D.O truly showed why he is one of the best vocalists in the industry through Si Fueras Mia. It’s a Spanish version of the B-side track It’s Love and it’s truly magical.

EXO - Just As Usual

While the EXO members have been busy, there has been a lot of group stuff in quite a while. However, before Chanyeol and Baekhyun went on enlistment hiatus, they released a special album. As expected from EXO, the album is filled with great songs but this one is definitely special. The B-side track is a warm and healing song about protecting a loved one.

Paper Magazine: The 40 Best K-Pop Songs of 2021

14. Baekhyun - Bambi

Leave it to K-pop's reigning king of R&B to get us all hot and bothered before commencing his mandatory enlistment. If there's one thing Baekyun knows how to do, it's ride a note to an electrifying climax. The man's vocal stamina is unparalleled. "Bambi" follows a sensual groove, but it's the atmospheric guitar and Baekhyun's silky smooth delivery (those exalted melismas!) that leaves us yearning for more.

30. Kai - Peaches

True to its name, Kai's second solo single "Peaches" is both sweet and sensual. It exists on another plane of existence entirely, where desire is expressed through languid motion and hushed whispers. There's a hypnotism to its lo-fi arrangement, which incorporates traditional Korean instrumentation. Like its namesake, "Peaches" is a simple delicacy."

Credit: MTV, PhilSTAR L!fe, Genius Korea, NME, The Daily Vox, Paper Magazine.

[vexing-imogen]

Exit, Pursued by a Bear

-my contribution to @folktalesofexandria also on AO3

He doesn’t know who this strange creature is that’s picking him up, she’s certainly not his mama, but he feels safe cradled in her arms. Even though she’s shaking and her face is wet with tears and she smells like the Bad Things, he feels safe. She presses her face against his snout and starts making noises at him.

“It’s alright, darling, I’ve got you,” she says. She scratches behind his ears, and he growls happily. “I’ll take care of you, I promise.” They’re moving now, walking away from his mama. He whines, starts squirming in her arms.

She holds him tighter and keeps walking, but he manages to squirm out of her grasp and run back to his mama. His mama, who isn’t moving, isn’t making noise, isn’t breathing. A twig snaps behind him, and he turns to see Her kneeling on the ground. “I’m sorry, buddy.” A sob. “There was nothing I could do. I’m so sorry.” She holds her arms out for him and he goes to her, lets her bundle him against her chest again. “I may not be your mother, but I’m going to take care of you. I’ll never leave you alone, I promise.”

He believes her.

Trinket wakes from his dream with a snort. He yawns, shakes the remnants of sleep from his head as he ponders his dream. His first memory of Vex. It’s been a frequent dream lately, and he doesn’t know why. It’s confusing, especially for a bear as old as Trinket.

He’s stretching, trying to alleviate aching bones and popping joints, when the chamber door opens and Vex walks in. She beams at him. “There you are, buddy,” she croons, scratching him behind the ears. He leans into her, but not too hard. It takes her so much longer to get up now if he accidentally knocks her on her rump. “I thought you were going to sleep the day away.”

Trinket huffs and butts against her gently. “I know, darling,” she says through a small yawn. “Like I have any room to talk.”

They take a meandering path through the castle and out into the gardens. Vex is resting on one of the small benches when one of the many young de Rolos approaches, a piece of parchment in his hand. Trinket doesn’t remember this one’s name, there are so many and he is a very old bear, but he looks so much like Uncle Vax that it makes Trinket’s heart ache. Vex’s too. She’s told Trinket so many times.

“Grandmother,” he says, handing her the parchment. “Lady Keyleth’s reply came quicker than expected.”

“Thank you, Hugo, darling,” she says, searching her pockets for something.

The lad doesn’t leave immediately. “Did you want any help reading her letter, Grandmother?”

Vex fixes him with a stern look as she locates Papa Percy’s spectacles and adjusts them on her nose. “I’ve got it handled, Hugo,” she says. “I’m not blind. And even if I were, your Auntie Keyleth writes so large, I’d still be able to read it.”

Hugo flushes and fidgets with his cravat. “I apologize, Grandmother. I’ll leave you to it.” He kisses her on the cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she says, her gaze softening. “Now, don’t you have an archery lesson to get to?”

His eyes go wide as he pulls out a pocket watch. “Shit.” He grins at her sheepishly. “I should go.”

“Make me proud, darling,” she calls out as he runs off.

Hugo’s voice echoes through the garden as he calls back, “I’ll do my best!”

“Dear boy,” she says softly, shaking her head with a fond smile. She pets Trinket absentmindedly as she reads Keyleth’s letter, only pausing twice to cough harshly into a handkerchief. “Sorry, buddy,” she murmurs when he makes a noise of complaint.

Vex reads the letter three times before she seems satisfied. Trinket takes the opportunity to doze in the mid-morning sunlight. He daydreams about the early days with Vex; learning to track and hunt, protecting her from bandits, swimming in rivers, playing in fields, sleeping by campfires. His mind wanders to their days with Vox Machina. To adventures in strange places, the monsters they fought, and all of the strange, wonderful things they did as a family.

He doesn’t realize that he’s fallen asleep again until Vex is shaking him awake. There’s a strange expression on her face. Something tired and sad, but determined all the same. She’s kneeling on the ground beside him, and when he tries to ask her what’s wrong, she simply wraps her arms around his neck, buries her face in his fur, and breathes in as deep as she can.

“Come for a walk with me, buddy?” she asks. “Kiki’s waiting for us at your uncle’s shrine.” There’s concern in her eyes as he struggles to his feet, holding back a groan of pain. “Only if you can manage it, darling. I can put you in the necklace if you can’t.”

Trinket snorts, determined to show her that he can still keep up. She’s barely made it to her feet before he’s making his way toward the Parchwood, toward that familiar path that leads to a clearing and a pretty stone bench.

Vex catches up to him, puts a hand on his shoulder to slow his walk. “It’s alright, Trinket, there’s no need to rush.” She smiles down at him. “We have all the time in the world.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Keyleth, Pike, and Scanlan are waiting at the shrine, talking quietly amongst themselves, when Vex finally crests the hill into the clearing. Trinket, who has been stubbornly struggling to keep pace with her, bellows happily and flops down on the grass next to Keyleth. Vex takes a moment to catch her breath while Pike and Keyleth lavish attention on her bear. She pointedly ignores their eyes on her as she settles herself, curling up next to Trinket like she has for decades.

They’ve all gone silent, though Keyleth is still absently petting Trinket’s snout. Up close, Vex can see that Pike’s eyes are red and puffy, Keyleth’s sleeves are stained with tears and snot, and Scanlan is fiddling with his shawm, as if he’s trying to think of the perfect song for the occasion. Her chest aches, and not from the disease that seized her so many years ago and refuses to let go. She’s never wanted to hurt them, which is why she’s so determined now to not drag this out any longer.

Keyleth is the one to break the silence, shaky and uncertain. “Vex, your letter…” She sniffles, hiccups. “A-are you sure?”

She nods slowly, closing her eyes against the tears that spill over when Scanlan’s sob echoes through the clearing.

Pike’s warm hands close around hers, and Vex forces herself to meet her earnest gaze. “You don’t have to give up, Vex,” she says desperately. “There are so many routes we haven’t tried yet. Maybe Sarenrae can-”

“Pike.” She cuts the gnome off gently. “We’ve had forty years to find a cure for this. I don’t think there is one. And I’m so fucking tired, darling.”

“Vex…”

“Just stop, please.” She draws in a sharp breath. “Just listen. I’m so tired. I’ve somehow outlived my brother and my husband and all of my children, and I’m so tired of fighting. I just want to rest.”

“But,” Keyleth starts tentatively, “what about Whitestone? What about your legacy?”

“Percy was the one obsessed with legacy, not me,” she says. “And I think our legacy is well secured, besides. Whitestone is in good hands, Kiki. And I’m little more than an old woman who sees ghosts in the faces of children.”

“Hey now, don’t sell yourself short,” Scanlan says, sniffling. “You’ve also got the best rack of any 133 year-old I’ve met.”

That gets a watery laugh from Keyleth and Pike, punctuated by a loud snore from Trinket. Vex leans back against her bear, tears dripping into his fur as she listens to his heartbeat.

“This decision isn’t just for me,” she says after a few minutes. “It’s for Trinket, too.”

Scanlan frowns. “How does your death help Trinket?” he asks.

Vex sniffles, her tears falling faster. “Barring external forces, Trinket can’t pass on until I do,” she explains. “His life force is bound to mine. He lives as long as I do. He suffers as long as I do.”

“Wait, really?”

“You really didn’t realize?” Pike sighs. “Scanlan, how long did you think grizzly bears could live?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. In case you hadn’t noticed, bears aren’t exactly my thing.”

“Well, I can assure you that 120 years is not a normal lifespan,”  Vex says. She strokes a hand through his gray fur. “He sleeps all the time, he’s in constant pain. He tries to hide it, but I know my buddy. It isn’t fair for me to ask him to keep living like this, but I couldn’t… I could never…”

She dissolves into sobs, muffling her grief in Trinket’s fur until he shifts underneath her, trying to maneuver so he can comfort her. “It’s alright, buddy, I’m alright,” she lies. “You can go back to sleep, darling. Mummy’s fine.” She scritches at a particular spot behind his ears, and after a few minutes, he’s fallen back to sleep.

She looks up from tending to Trinket to find her friends watching her, their eyes full of sympathy. Keyleth is the first one to nod.

“Okay,” she says. “Okay, Vex.”

She wraps Vex in a tight embrace, tears soaking Vex’s hair. “I can’t believe I’m gonna be the last member of Team Half-Elf left.”

Vex laughs. “You always knew you were going to be.” She kisses her softly, then touches their foreheads together. “Kaitiake, Kiki.”

“Kaitiake, Vex.”

Pike approaches next, simply wraps her arms around Vex and cries into her shoulder. “I’m sorry,” she whispers.

“Don’t be,” she says. “You did everything you could.” She kisses the top of Pike’s head. “I love you, Pickle.”

“Love you, too, Vex.”

Scanlan has tears streaming down his face when she hugs him close and whispers, “Take care of them.”

“Of course,” he says, and she feels his lips press against her cheek. “On one condition.”

She arches an eyebrow at him. “And what would that be?”

“I get to light your pyre.”

She sighs, thinking back to the disaster that was Grog’s funeral. “Fine,” she relents. “But if you burn my forest down, I will haunt your ass for eternity.”

“Just my ass?” he says with a salacious waggle of his eyebrows. “Kinky.”

Vex shakes her head. “I’ll miss you, too, you perv.”

Once they’ve all left the clearing, Vex sinks back against Trinket, suddenly exhausted. Without Pike’s healing magic coursing through her, she can feel her lungs starting to seize, making each breath more and more difficult. She takes a breath that turns into a harsh coughing fit that ends with her on all fours, dry heaving. She looks up into Trinket’s worried eyes and wipes blood from her mouth. “It’s okay, Trinket,” she manages, crawling towards him. “We can rest now.”

She curls into Trinket’s warmth and closes her eyes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trinket wakes from his nap with a loud yawn, immediately squinting his eyes against the bright light flooding the clearing.

“There you are, sleepyhead!” Vex’s voice calls to him from the path back to Whitestone. “If we don’t get going soon, we’re going to miss lunch.”

Trinket gets up, barely noticing that it isn’t the painful struggle he’s endured for years. He takes a few steps towards Vex, then stops, cocking his head curiously. There must be some kind of magic in this clearing, because his Vex is young again; tall and proud, grinning like they’re about to embark on an adventure.

“What’s wrong, buddy?”

“Nothing,” he answers, shaking the last bit of sleep from his head. Something catches his eye, and he looks back over his shoulder. There’s nothing there. Nothing but a very old bear and a very old woman curled up together by a stone bench. He turns back to Vex, who smiles at him brightly.

“Aren’t you coming, Trinket?”

He huffs and walks over to butt his head against her thigh. What a silly question.

Where else would he go, but with Vex?

[mattmercerisgod]

what's the headcannon

Okay but can you imagine being an NPC in the world of Vox Machina. Like, maybe you're an isolated farmer or something and you're whole town gets fucking vored by dragons, but since you live outside of the town you're safe. And you just watch as these dragons start to infest the empty town and the surrounding area, and you're scared to stay but don't have the means to leave. And one day, maybe years after the initial incident, you're out farming when a dragon swoops overhead and it spots you, and that's it, you're fucking dead, but then.

Then. A fucking tiny little white thing gets hurled at it, and it lands next to you and holy shit that's a person and there's more of them, one of them is on a broom and the other has wings holy shit you're all going to die. And then they beat the fucking dragon and turn to you to ask you if you wanted any of it's scales. And you just stare at them and kind of follow dumbly behind as they leave the town.

And because you're stupid and broke and because your house burned down in the chaos you follow them and get killed, maimed, or eaten too many times for your simplistic neutral good sensibilities to handle. And maybe it comes to a head at some point, or Vox Machina does something really fucking dumb, and you just can't take it anymore.

So you hightail it the fuck out of there like a sensible person and get to a town far away from them. And it's fine and dandy because the innkeeper is mildly sympathetic. It's great, really, until you're talking to the librarian and he just, stops. Blinks at you. walks away. and you ask around about his deal but all you learn is that he's new in town but so are you

The next evening the guy comes up to you at the tavern with a story, and he tells you how his sister fought valiantly with Vox Machina and got herself killed by a fucking succubus or something. And your heart goes out to the guy and you share stories and it turns out you both have a lot in common so you decide that hey, it's cheaper to share a room.

You both talk and decide to go to Emon to try and find work and maybe help with the rebuilding (but the gold definitely wouldn't hurt). You gather up your meagre belongings for the journey and start to make your way, both of you praying that you never again cross paths with Vox Machina again.

Somewhere along the line you become really close friends with the guy and trade stories over the fire about the mighty and disastrous Vox Machina. You laugh, and you cry, and you bond quite a bit.

And one morning you wake up to the guy laughing with a woman, and he introduces you to the woman with wonder in his eyes and it's his sister, she's been revived by the tiny white child, apparently she's a cleric and not just a living cannonball.

So you keep traveling towards Emon and you're a little hesitant about this new chick because due to recent events (read: Vox Machina) you've learned to be a little wary of people.

But one night you and her are on watch and the guy is asleep and you're staring at the fire all dramatic-like and she just slams a fist down on her open palm.

"I've got it," she goes and you look at her kinda funny because uh, what?

Some confused noise must escape you because she turns to you from the log she's sitting on and smiles.

"We should start a support group," she says with a swig of her flask. And okay, that's not technically the weirdest thing she's ever said, but uh, what?

"Support group?" you ask. "For what?"

She eyes you disbelievingly. "'For what,'" she mimics, rolling her eyes. "For surviving Vox Machina, that's what."

You roll your eyes and laugh, but for some reason the idea sticks. You're all deeply fucked up from Vox Machina (good though they might be, trauma isn't inherently evil so it really only makes sense that they'd cause some), why not be fucked up together?

Eventually you and your dude friend and his sister decide to go through the steps to make it official. The sister even becomes a liscensed psychologist. "I knew I got that degree for something," she'd say over a bottle of wine, laughing near-hysterically.

And finally, after far too much trekking, the three of you make it to Emon. And the place is a disaster, most people gone and the few remaining trying to rebuild and recover what they can.

You sigh, and make youway towards the inn. Along the way, the three of you stumble across a child trapped under a piece of a fallen building. She's screaming for help and you're not sure you want to lend it but then you see the blood pooling around her face and the "good" part of your classification kicks into gear. You and your two friends join forces and drag the child out of the rubble and to the nearest group of people. They're a group of search-and-rescuers, it turns out, and they hire you on the spot.

Can you image the look of horror on your own face as you pull out pieces of charred and crushed limbs or, Istus forbid, an entire corpse. The work itself is grueling, and along with the trauma it only takes you three a couple of days before you decide it just isn't worth it.

So you leave quietly, simply telling your boss of your resignation on the last day. You all go together, for good measure. But your boss doesn't yell or demand payment or anything. He just sighs and invites the three of you for a drink. He tells you about his family, a little girl and a little boy and his blind wife, who didn't make it. He drones about his neighbors and the butcher who's son ran away for dreams of heroics. You all listen because it's the polite thing to do and your friend only falls asleep a little throughout the story.

Then he gets to the darker bits. He tells you about a woman who came through who said the dragons were sent by a dark and sinister group. A group called Vox Machina.

The sister laughs before you can respond. She chuckles and giggles and heaves. Then, when she wipes the tears from her eyes, she looks your (ex-) boss right in the face and tells him no.

"Vox Machina did a lot of shit to the world. Did a lot of shit to me, too. But this?" She gestures over to a fallen schoolhouse. "I bet my life they didn't do this."

You find yourself nodding. "They were fighting dragons at my village. Don't know what'd make them do this."

The man looks unsure of himself. He looks young, despite the lines of worry and fear driven into his face and he looks so, so lost.

"Hey," you start to say, because you're stupid. "Why don't you come with us?"

He sighs. "I have a dog. Used to be my wife's service dog, that Clover. I can't leave her here, but she's only got three legs."

Your friend perks up. "I love dogs. We can take her... And you, of course."

And that's how you, your friend, your friend's sister, your ex-boss, and his dog named Clover decide to go to Whitestone.

"Why Whitestone?" you ask when your boss suggests it.

"It's where those bumbling buffoons are based," he goes, and he can only mean Vox Machina. "We'll learn the truth and have more people to join," he says, because obviously you've let him in on the support group. (Clover is an honorary member and a therapy animal.)

So you trek there and only almost die getting there twice (which is a new low-record).

Whitestone is...perfect. It's strong, firmly built, tall but not loomy, and it rinds you of the town you used to live by. Of the town you used to live in.

And there are dozens of new members. The librarians have there own Vox Machina support club that your friend gladly joins, the guard has one too, and you take in at least ten new members every day for the first week. Long story, short story, Vox Machina are pretty good at fucking people up.

Your old boss, for his part, finds his answers in the form of a young blonde boy who sighs at the questions of Vox Machina's morals. He sighs and lays his head against the doorframe, looking far too tired for his age.

"I.. My father used to be a butcher, down in Emon," he starts and you all pause. None of you have told anyone about your work in Emon or the story about the heroic butcher's son. Because of this, you listen, and you hear the horrors of Anna Ripley and the betrayal of the young blonde soldier.

That night, Kynan Leore becomes a member.

It's only a week later that the people tell you. One of the lower-class merchants who lost an eye in the protests of the Briarwoods, looks at your flyer for the group and shakes her head.

"It's not that it ain't a great idea, hon. Bit you gotta know it ain't smart, making a club for that when the ruler of Whitestone is who she is."

Shit. You ask her and learn with slowly dawning horror the identity of one Lady Cassandra, sister to Percival de Rolo, the gunslinger of Vox Machina. Fuck. You are unbelievably screwed.

You talk to your crew and you all contemplate leaving but eventually you decide to stay. Still, you live in fear of the day you meet Cassandra Johanna von Mussel Klossowski de Rolo and you avoid anywhere near the castle grounds like it's got Vox Machina in it - which, considering the Lady de Rolo's family, it just might.

Eventually, it all comes to a head.

Maybe it's because an employee of the castle wants to meet but can only do so on the job, but for whatever reason, you have to go to the castle and no one else can make it. So you go, hesitant and beyond terrified of the Lady of the House of Whitestone, and you talk to the servant and maybe they join and you see Kynan Leore on the way out and you start up a conversation and then he looks behind you and pales a little and

"Kynan. Is this one of the people you were telling me about?" someone, definitely female, asks, and Kynan looks so apologetic and you're suddenly certain that this is Cassandra de Rolo, and that's it, you're all dead, you survived the dragons but you can't survive the vehement sister.

You turn around slowly.

It is Cassandra de Rolo, and she's...actually younger than you'd thought. Far younger, but just as terrifying. She leads you firmly to a seat and you, Kynan, and her all sit down for a cup of tea.

You're shaking in your boots. This isn't a game, like it might've been in the beginning. You could get killed for your group, and you can't help but feel that'd be a stupid way to die.

Eventually, after much hesitation, the Ruler of Whitestone lowers her cup, looks you dead in the eye, and sighs a long sigh.

"I hate to ask this," she starts, and this is it, you're done for, and oh fuck your friends are gonna be so mad, Clover's gonna kick your ass so hard with all three of her legs oh fuck

"But, I heard about you all from Kynan, and... Well, are you still accepting new members?"

And yes, yes you are.

[beyond-the-yellowbrickroad]

Movies Watched in 2019 - Filmes assistidos em 2019 (part two / segunda parte)

111. About a Boy (2002) Directed by Chris Weitz, Paul Weitz

I liked it a lot! The Kid is amazing and just imagine my face when I found out he was Nicholas Hoult…

112. Hotel Mumbai (2018) Directed by Anthony Maras

It’s a very heavy movie to watch, even more because is based in a real life history… the amazing cast helps to make it even more realistic.

113. Toy Story 4 (2019) Directed by Josh Cooley

I’m angry and very disappointed. It may sound childish of me because “people change” and “leave our lives” but was that really necessary? I think NOT!

114. Widows (2018) Directed by Steve McQueen

I didn’t like it that much but it was probably my fault… I was expecting something more like Ocean’s 8, but it’s completely different from that. Anyway, the cast is great.

115. Final Destination (2000) Directed by James Wong

116. The Final Destination (2009) Directed by David R. Ellis

117. Final Destination 5 (2011) Directed by Steven Quale

So I re-watched all of the “Final Destination” Series at once, and I had the most fun!

I had already seen de second and the third one when I was little (I was about 6 or 7, grown ups were crazy in the early 2000′s) but I had never seen the others and, for my surprise, I loved almost all of them! (I really don’t like the fourth one and I rather pretend it doesn’t exist)

The second one is still my favorite, but the others are as crazy and fun! I LOVED IT!

AND THE ENDING OF THE FIFTH MOVIE, OMG, I WAS NOT READY!!!

118. Liar Liar (1997) Directed by Tom Shadyac

Jim Carrey making funny faces for no reason for 86 minutes straight

119. John Wick (2014) Directed by Chad Stahelski

120. John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017) Directed by Chad Stahelski

121. John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum (2019) Directed by Chad Stahelski

So I also watched all the “John Wick” movies all at once and all I can say is: it’s really great to see treined assassings kill people to revenge their dogs and to see Keanu Reeves being amazing, sexy AND kicking other people’s asses.

122. The Perfection (2018) Directed by Richard Shepard

I saw this weeks ago and I still am absolutely shocked with everything that happened in this movie

123. Us (2019) Directed by Jordan Peele

Literally, a masterpiece of horror and comedy. The cast it’s incredible!

124. The Lion King (2019) Directed by Jon Favreau

Nice, but… it’s the same as the original, but more… dull. Impossible not to have fun though, because it’s the same movie as the original.

125. Long Shot (2019) Directed by Jonathan Levine

Now I really want to go to a club with Charlize!!

126. The Angel (2018) ‘El Ángel’ Directed by Luis Ortega

Beautiful photography, and the cast is really great! The music is also incredible.

127. Hello, My Name Is Doris (2015) Directed by Michael Showalter

It’s a nice reminder that everyone has it’s own time for doing things… sometimes you star things eary and sometimes, other things happen in life before others, and that OK! I loved it!

128. The Lake House (2006) Directed by Alejandro Agresti

It’s romantic, well done and super interesting! Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock looked so good together! I really loved this sci-fi love story.

129. Pride & Prejudice (2005) Directed by Joe Wright

Honestly, everything is absolutely pefect in this movie… like when Mr. Darcy always look’s like he’s about to throw up everytime Lizzie is around, how Mr. Bingley is an absolutely sunshine, how Jane it’s his perfect match, how Lizzie is perfecly sassy and smart… I, obviously, and I can not stress this enough: THE HAND FLEX!!! (and when Mr. Darcy cofesses his eternal love to Lizzie in the rain and them they fight and them they almost kiss… AMAZING CINEMA!)

I loved the movie and I can’t wait to finally find time to read the book too…

130. Creep (2014) Directed by Patrick Brice

131.  Creep 2 (2017) Directed by Patrick Brice

Both weird movies, but the first one is more amazing because you spend more than a half of it not knowing what it’s happening.

132. Vox Lux (2018) Directed by Brady Corbet

Natalie Portman is amazing and this movie is also weird.

133. Austenland (2013) Directed by Jerusha Hess

A thriling saga to my Pride and Prejudice / Jane Austen obcession…

So, the fake Mr. Darcy (Mr. Noble) looks like young Tom Hiddleston so now I have a huge crush on him.

Also, I think it’s a very fun movie and I had a good time.  

134. Good Sam (2019) Directed by Kate Miles Melville

Fun, I guess… honestly, the romance was unecessary.

135. Almost Famous (2000) Directed by Cameron Crowe

The bus scene when they all are down and then suddenly starts singing to “Tiny Dancer”… The most beautiful thing I saw in my life.

136. The Losers (2010) Directed by Sylvain White

It’s a very fun movie!

But I have an observation: It just don’t sound truthful that people would make fun of a hot, nerdy, super uncle, not being that good with girls Chris Evans… really, he is absolutely hot and cute in this movie, it just not make sense!

137. Sing (2016) Directed by Garth Jennings

I watched this because of Taron Egerton singing “I’m Still Standing”, but I loved it for so much more!!!

138. Candy Jar (2018) Directed by Ben Shelton

Fun for spending the time.

139. The Red Sea Diving Resort (2019) Directed by Gideon Raff

Nice movie and great cast!

(also, I know thi isn’t the point but Chris Evans is beautiful in this movie to)

140. The Jane Austen Book Club (2007) Directed by Robin Swicord

I loved this so much, but I also feel kind of sad because I don’t have friends to make a Jane Austen book club with me and also I will never get married with nerdy and cute Hugh Dancy.

141. The Hustle (2019) Directed by Chris Addison

Anne Hathaway and Rebel Wilson deserved better!

142. The Sun Is Also a Star (2019) Directed by Ry Russo-Young

I don’t want to be mean but, this was horrible!

143. Descendants 3 (2019) Directed by Kenny Ortega

This movie was already going to be very emotional because is the last one of the trilogy, but the recent evens with the super talented actor Cameron Boyce, it was twice as emotional... I cryed a lot.

Also, the movie is increadible in every way: the songs, the dancing, the characters, the cast... I loved it!

144. Brightburn (2019) Directed by David Yarovesky

Well, that was a disaster...

145. Parasite (2019) ‘기생충’ Directed by Bong Joon Ho

Okay, so this movie... there’s so much to talk about this movie...but I don’t want to spoil it... BUT,  everything is absolutely PERFECT! OMG! I LOVE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH!

146. Otherhood (2019) Directed by Cindy Chupack

Great cast, fun to watch!

147. The Craft (1996) Directed by Andrew Fleming

ICONIC!

148. Wild Child (2008) Directed by Nick Moore

EMMA ROBERTS: I’m sorry for every time that I sayd that you were not a great actress. You are, and this movie is a masterpiece.

149. Mandy (2018) Directed by Panos Cosmatos

That was a crazy ride and I LOVED IT! Nick Cage it’s amazing in this and I really love this scrypt.

150. Falling Inn Love (2019) Directed by Roger Kumble

This couple is so beautiful and I really wish they could date me as well.

151. Did You Hear About the Morgans? (2009) Directed by Marc Lawrence

I did not like the movie that much but the cast is nice, so is not that bad to wach.

152. Bacurau (2019) Directed by Juliano Dornelles, Kleber Mendonça Filho

This was, honestly, the best thing I saw the entire year. It made so happy and proud of my own culture, and was so increadible to watch, with a great cast and characters that are truly amazing... and as if all of this wasn’t enough, the movie (as a coincidence) talks direcly with Brazil’s currently politic scene. 

When the movie was over, I felt like crying of happines... I so proud o f brazilian cinema and how it gets better and bigger each year!!  

PURE PERFECTION. 

153. Between Two Ferns: The Movie (2019) Directed by Scott Aukerman

There was scenes that I really found funny and there were times that I was just confused... but I liked it.

154. Last Holiday (2006) Directed by Wayne Wang

QUEEN LATIFAH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, PLEASE BE MY FRIEND!!

Honestly, this movie is everything a romcom should be... PERFECT! 

155. The Nutcracker and the Four Realms (2018) Directed by Lasse Hallström, Joe Johnston

I’m absolutely angry with the fact that Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen in the same movie and they even looked at each other! CRAZY THING RIGHT?

156. Rumor Has It… (2005) Directed by Rob Reiner

Just imagine a world were Jenifer Aniston and Mark Ruffalo are a couple... 

The movie was SO WEIRD!!! (but good) 

157. It Chapter Two (2019) Directed by Andy Muschietti

The first one still is my favorite, BUT this is so great... I’m not even going to begin to write about the cast, ‘cause everyone knows it’s absolutely PERFECT, but really, BILL HADER GUYS! JUST, AMAZING.

Anyway, I did not got even a little scared, but who cares, it’s a great movie.

Also, the scene were Bill Skarsgård  show up without the Pennywise makeup... his acting was SO GREAT!

 158. Midsommar (2019) Directed by Ari Aster

Today I saw someone describe this movie as “a bunch of white people killing other people and dancing in circles” and honestly, this is the perfect description for this.

159. Homecoming: A Film by Beyoncé (2019) Directed by Beyoncé Knowles

i CAN’T BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE FEELINGS I FELT SEEING THIS! This woman is beautiful, super talented and a genius! 

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BEYONCÉ IN THE MAKING!! 

160. Frozen (2010) Directed by Adam Green

HORRIBLE! OH MY GOD! I FELT SO BAD WATCHING THIS, IT WAS TERRIFYING! OMG!

161. Hush (2016) Directed by Mike Flanagan

I NEVER FELT SO UNCONFORTABLE IN MY LIFE! Truly a good idea for a scary movie and a very well executed one to! Loved it!

162. El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie (2019) Directed by Vince Gilligan

The perfect ending for one of the best suporting characters on a TV Series.

163. Little Monsters (2019) Directed by Abe Forsythe

Lupita Nyong'o deserves way more recognition from the Movies Industry because she is so great and even with a fucking OSCAR on her shelf, she barely has any leading characters on her career and is SO UNFAIR!

This movies is funny, scary, the cast is great and there’s Shake it Off by Taylor Swift was sang by a bunch of kids and Lupita dressed on a beautiful yellow dress all dirty of zombie blood, sooo... you should go and watch it!

164. The Blair Witch Project (1999) Directed by Daniel Myrick, Eduardo Sánchez

The movie it’s okay until it gets on it’s last 15 to 10 minutes... then so much starts to happen and you just want to stop seeing it, but can’t because you want to know the ending of it, and it’s so scary and crazy... Really I totally get why lots of people are crazy about this one... SO SCARY!

Also, look out for the website they made for the three filmakers that “disapeared” ( AKA were killed by the Blair Witch), it’s so good and there’s a lot of more information that makes the movie even more scary.

165. Yesterday (2019) Directed by Danny Boyle

It could be SO GOOD! But it was SO BAD! Lili was this movie, the guy that played Richie in Skins was in this movie and I still did not like it... The sountrack was made by BEATLES SONGS and I still did not like it... SAD.

166. The Witches (1990) Directed by Nicolas Roeg

NOT A KIDS MOVIE! Really, it’s so scary! OMG!

167. Shaun of the Dead (2004) Directed by Edgar Wright

It’s a very diferent zombie movie, but I really liked it! 

168. Maid in Manhattan (2002) Directed by Wayne Wang

IT WAS JUST LIKE CAMP ROCK!!

Very cheesy, not the best romcom I ever watched, but also not the worse... If you want a good JLopez movie, go see Monster In Law!

169. Monster House (2006) Directed by Gil Kenan

ALSO NOT A KIDS MOVIE! This was actually very little apropriate to kids and so fucking sacry, OMG, how this was made up to be a kids movie? 

170. mother! (2017) Directed by Darren Aronofsky

I will never get over this movie, I feel marked for the rest of my life, thanks very much Aronofsky! (no, really, THANKS!)

171. The Meddler (2015) Directed by Lorene Scafaria

Honestly, the “I was visiting my daughter, she just shot a pilot!” joke was THE BEST THING I EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE! Also, “I have to go home, my hands are loud!”.

172. Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988) Directed by Stephen Chiodo

I don’t even know what to write about this one... It was weird and not scary at all, but was kind of... diffent? I mean, you don’t get literally scared but you feel unconfotable, like, a lot! Go check it out and you will hopefully understand what kind of feeling I’m trying to describe, it’s just... weird.

173. Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019) Directed by André Ovredal

WHAT ON EARTH PEOPLE KEEP MAKING THOSE SUPER SCARY MOVIES ANT SAYING THEY ARE FOR KINDS? This was so scary Jesus, and It was great. But not for kids.

If you read the books I don’t know how you going to feel about it, but in my experience from movie adapttions from books, you probably going to feel like shit. But I did’t read the books and loved it, so, you might to :)

174. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000) Directed by Joe Berlinger

Not ever close to be as great as the first one, it’s crazier, more things happen and you still feel crazy with the characters, but, it’s not as great. But it would be a great stanalone, if the first one did not existed. 

175. Vacation (2015) Directed by John Francis Daley, Jonathan M. Goldstein

This is a comedic MASTERPIECE and I CAN NOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! 

I love comedy movies, but I always expect to much of them... but this served me EVERYTHING that a good comedy should have to make me laugh until my breath runs out. LOVED IT!

176. Walk the Line (2005) Directed by James Mangold

Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon are absolutely babes and so increadibly talented! 

The movie is a bit slow (maybe only if you not a particularly big Cash fan), but is great! 

177. Love Happens (2009) Directed by Brandon Camp

Jennifer Aniston is amazing and goergeous as always but I didn’t conect with the characters so... it didn’t work to much for me, but it’s not bad eigther.

178. John Tucker Must Die (2006) Directed by Betty Thomas

Talking about perfect comedies, this is ONE OF THEM! FOR SURE! 

179. You’ve Got Mail (1998) Directed by Nora Ephron

I’ve got three things to say:

One: TOM HANKS

Two: I could never date someone that led me to bankruptcy, I could however punch this person multiple times.

Three: MEG RYAN!!!

180. The Prince & Me (2004) Directed by Martha Coolidge

Okay, so I was not expecting anything big from this movie and I only watched it because of Julia Stiles, BUT OMG I’m so thakfull that I gave it a chance, because it’s an amazingly done cliché and the Prince it’s totally hot!

 181. Dora and the Lost City of Gold (2019) Directed by James Bobin

I WAS SO SURPRISED THAT IT WAS SO GOOD! I really wasn’t expecting that! SO GOOD! 

182. Me Before You (2016) Directed by Thea Sharrock 

méh.

But Emilia, I want to be your best friend!

183. Late Night (2019) Directed by Nisha Ganatra

To Queens that almost coused my death because of how much a I laughed in this... it’s ligh, fun and dramtic and real... AMAZING!

184. Let It Snow (2019) Directed by Luke Snellin 

Kiernan Shipka and  Mitchell Hope singing The Whole of the Moon awakend my bissexuality.

Shameik Moore and Isabela Merced to!

185. When Harry Met Sally… (1989) Directed by Rob Reiner

MEG RYAN!!! 

So... this is the movie that every fanfic is based on? I really loved it!

186. Bringing Down the House (2003) Directed by Adam Shankman

Queen Latifah always brings a smile to my face... she’s perfect!

187. Joker (2019) Directed by Todd Phillips

Huum... Joaquin Phoenix it’s a very great actor, OMG! 

188. Penelope (2006) Directed by Mark Palansky 

It was very hard for me to watch this movie and not get distracted by James MacAvoy’s perfect face and body and not so perfect hair in this one, but does anybody really care? It’s beautiful James McAvoy! 

Also, the movie is so great! I didn’t knew about the plot and I was so surprised! It’s very, very good! 

I love the final scene when Penelope just let’s the children run wild while she swings with her hot boyfriend...

“Take of your mask!” ~proceds to kiss Christina Ricci very dramaticly~

189. Mad Money (2008) Directed by Callie Khouri

Everything about this movie was PERFECT

190. Baywatch (2017) Directed by Seth Gordon

Great opening scene, the rest was kind of a mess.

191. Noelle (2019) Directed by Marc Lawrence

CUTE! CUTE! CUTE! 

But I will complain about the lack of Bill Hader content.

192. Every Day (2018) Directed by Michael Sucsy

Another surprise this year, a very good one! 

It’s cute and dramatic, also, this actress kissed every teeneger and young adult in Hollywood!

193. Over Her Dead Body (2008) Directed by Jeff Lowell

A good and weird movie! Gave a few laughs. 

Paul Rudd is in it, so, totally worth it!

194. The Skeleton Twins (2014) Directed by Craig Johnson

A dramatic, surprising and “few good” comedy! 

I really wish I could hang out on Halloween with Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig...

195. Eat Pray Love (2010) Directed by Ryan Murphy

I didn’t quite understood her journey but I quite liked it. 

Veeeery long movie.

196. Death at a Funeral (2007) Directed by Frank Oz

197. Death at a Funeral (2010) Directed by Neil LaBute

I know I should have loved the original version more but the american version... I don’t know what it is (probably the many actors that I absolutely LOVE), but I coul not stop laughing! 

James Marsden was an absolute STAR! 

198. The Other Woman (2014) Directed by Nick Cassavetes

I wish I could personally thank Cameron Diaz for every great movie I watched because of her.

Thank you, Mrs. Diaz! 

That last scene was peak COMEDY!!!

199. The Back-Up Plan 2010 Directed by Alan Poul

JLo! PERFECT!

Honestly, I was thinking this movie was going to be very problematic, but it wasn’t that much... it was actually pretty cute! The birth scene was sacry and funny at the same time!! 

200. Muriel's Wedding 1994 Directed by P.J. Hogan

Don’t judge me, I didn’t liked it, it fact, It made me feel pretty shitty, so I just wnat to forget that it existis. 

[doomedandstoned]

Legba Take Listeners to ‘Hell’ in Soulful Third Album

~By Billy Goate~

Art by Harold Smith

There are bands that dabble in doom and then there are bands that play it with conviction, as though each note were emanating from their very being. LEGBA must be counted in the small company of the latter, joining the likes of Crowbar, Spirit Caravan, Pentagram, Trouble, and Pale Divine whose names conjure the very notion of authenticity.

'Hell' (2019) is the South Carolina band's third album and it begins on a grave note: "Right now, we're facing a man-made disaster of global scale...If we don't take action, the collapse of our civilization and the extinction of much of the natural world is on the horizon." An arpeggiated riff softly works the opening of "Mother's Flood" like a spider weaving a delicate web. The full power of Legba soon follows, with Todd Holford (guitar, vox) leading the charge, joined by (Trish Coles, bass), Harold Smith (drums), and Bobby Coles (synth).

Todd's vocals are appropriately clean for the first song, but plunge into the sludgy devilish domains of Sourvein and Pantera for "Beaten Dead." This is especially effective when contrasted against the quiet blues-touched motif of the bass. "Bringer of Fire" is similary downcast -- contemplative may be a better word. Its swampy vibe and forlorn chorus congeal into a nice burner, indeed. "Bury the Bones" reflects loss and regret with near perfection, while "Our Grave" introduces some vocal harmonies that combine with the stark singleness of the guitar melody and the soft layers of atmospheric synth to hasten grey skies on a day of mourning.

The album's namesake track samples a southern-fried preacher who I've come across before in my internet expeditions (Pastor Danny Castle is his name, I believe). His rapid-fire fire and brimstone delivery typifies the sermons that will greet you when you walk through the white doors of those brick-clad buildings on a steamy southern Sunday. The song itself imagines what it might be like to enter a surprise eternity of damnation after a misspent life of bad decisions. "Welcome to Hell" says the devil, followed by the harsh screams of torment. If Legba were delivering the sermon, I guarantee I would not be falling asleep in the pews!

"My Dear" follows and feels like it could be the heartfelt letter of one facing imminent death. What would he share with his loved ones, what would he tell his world? It's one of the most melodic and moving of all the songs on Hell, reminding me in some ways of Undersmile's farewell album, 'Anhedonia' (2015). "The Day We Died" follows, heralded by the strong chords and dulcet tones of the piano. One of the saddest tracks on the record, it is about the suicide of a loved one, Todd Holford's nephew, and remains a difficult number for him to get through live. The band will be producing a music video in the upcoming months for this one, focused on suicide prevention.

The record closes with "Gone Like The Ghost," a song that speaks of the resolute acceptance with which the living much release the dead to their destiny. I can imagine this one being played at a wake. "Remember, remember when times were sane. I was lost in my head, it's time now, time to bury the dead. Goodbye to family and friends who've, they're gone now, gone like the ghost again."

As with Cruthu's 'The Angle of Eternity' (2017) and Mangog's 'Mangog Awakens' (2017), Hell is one of those hearty, homegrown American metal albums that emerges as a surprise seemingly out of nowhere. But the band's been brewing their magic stew of depressive doom, sludge, and southern stoner goodness in the backwoods for years now, so go check out their past two spins if you liked this. For me, Hell will be regarded as my favorite record of the trilogy, one that I will doubtless revisit in times of grief.

Give ear...

Hell by Legba

Follow The Band

Get Their Music

[cassiedroll]

Time for me to put my post-epilogue headcanons about Vox Machina out there:

Perc'ahlia ⦁ They move to their permanent home in Whitestone, allowing Percy to begin constructing his clock tower and work with Cassandra to run the city. ⦁ Vex spends a lot of her time fixing up Vax's shrine to the Raven Queen there. She also works with the treasury and diplomacy there. She sets up an established trade route connecting Whitestone to Syngorn, Ank'harel, Emon, and Deastok. ⦁ They have a formal wedding, to which everyone they have ever known and loved are invited. Vex wears a beautiful white dress and a raven's feather between her two blue ones. Percival watches his wife walk down the aisle like they were first falling in love. ⦁ They spend each anniversary of the defeat of Vecna and Vax's death in the woods, sitting on the bench Pike made, watching the moon and discussing stories about Vax and the early years of Vox Machina. ⦁ Soon after their official wedding, Vex discovers that she is pregnant. Everyone else seems to know before she does: "Vex, you seem to have been under the weather for a few days, are you alright?" with a knowing look from Cassandra. "Vex, you must be hungry!" with a happy  laugh from Pike hosting the de Rolos for dinner. Even the servants start skirting around her, discretely clearing one of the smaller rooms near Percy and Vex's in the castle. ⦁ Their first child is born on a brisk winter morning after a long night. Casters from across Whitestone are brought in to send messages to all of their closest friends to announce the birth of Vesper Elaina von Musel Klossowski de Rolo I, heir to Whitestone. ⦁ Following Vesper, Vex and Percy have five more children: Vax'ildan Julius, Percival IV, Whitney Johanna, Oliver Ludwig, and Cassandra Velora.

Pikelan ⦁ They move into Wilhand's old home once he dies and adds on rooms and a basement  to accommodate J.B., Grog, and, when she's home from school, Kaylee. ⦁ Despite what anyone expects, Grog is the perfect roommate: always out, never needing too much privacy, never brings back dates (mostly because he doesn't have them), accommodating to everyone, a great host, and eventually a wonderful babysitter. ⦁ It's Kaylee that's the disaster roommate. She's a teenager living with her dad, his girlfriend, her brother and cousin. It's the worst. They love her but she trashes her room, has friends and lovers over, never cooks or cleans, and has such a fiery temper that whenever she is asked to do these things, she either ignores that who asked or is aggressive about it. ⦁ After living together for a couple of years, Pike proposes. Grog carries Scanlan down the aisle. We know this all from the episode. Grog cries at the wedding more than anyone else. Also, instead of Pike taking Scanlan's surname or vice versa, they change their surname to a mash-up name - Trickhalt. ⦁ Three years later, on Scanlan's 75th birthday, Pike brings their daughter, Juniper into the world. She's pink with curly black hair and bright blue eyes. Kaylee smiles at her half-sister and jokes that she doesn't look a bit like either of them. She does, of course, but Kaylee is just a little stink. Grog goes out to wet her head and ends up writing letters to Whitestone and Zephyra. His childish writing is only worsened by his excitement, but the letters are sent and within a few days the de Rolos and Keyleth are in Westruun to welcome little Juniper Trickhalt. ⦁ When Juniper is six, a little boy is born into the Trickhalt clan: Wilhand Phillip. Grog has never been more touched, not even when Juni first asks him to read to her because he "does the voices better than Mommy or Daddy". Wilhand Phillip has dark skin, dark brown hair, and big blue eyes like his sister. ⦁ When Wilhand and Juni are in their teens, Pike discovers a tiny boy with black skin, little white tufts of hair, and minuscule horns on the steps to Sarenrae's temple. She takes him home and eventually she and Scanlan officially adopt him, naming him Kingsley.

Zahrash ⦁ They visit Whitestone all through Zahra's pregnancy and even after. Due to poor timing and a hasty entry into this world, their son is born in Whitestone while they're visiting the de Rolos. ⦁ He is born red, with a long slender tail, fuzzy white hair and amber eyes. At his birth, Kashaw feels a hand on his shoulder and looks up to see a shadowy figure. Vesh looks down at him and the boy and contemplates them quietly before vanishing. Kashaw never has nightmares about her again. ⦁ They spend their life between Whitestone and Vasselheim, between the de Rolo home and the Slayer's Take and their son wants for nothing. He's raised on books from the Whitestone castle's library and stories of the sphinx, but despite all of that he really prefers to fight physically, not mentally and becomes a rogue. ⦁ Daniel Hydris loves his parents dearly, but like Kaylee Shorthalt, feels as though he is too cool to be seen around his overprotective dad and "cool" mom. He spends a lot of his time with his Aunt Vex learning about being sneaky and what the man he's named after used to do as a rogue. ⦁ They continue to work as mercenaries for the Slayer's Take, but only when they're not having to deal with Dan's teachers and his mistakes. He gets into a lot of trouble, and while Zahra doesn't mind his actions too much, she hates having to take the time to go confront his tutors. Kash, on the other hand, scolds Dan within an inch of his life about being mischievous. He prefers to deal with those accusing his son than go out of quests. ⦁ Now that Vesh no longer hovers over him, Kash continues his clerical duties, but feels more as if he is thanking her for releasing him from their bonds of marriage than refuting her every move.

Keyleth ⦁ She serves as the Voice of the Tempest, guiding young druids from the other sects of the Ashari along their Aramentes. She takes them into the plane of air and has them battle air elementals. Despite her charismatic failures, she serves as a wonderful guide as her Aramente has been so recent. ⦁ Keyleth waits many years before falling in love again, but one day, at Cassandra Velora's debutante ball for her coming of age, Keyleth meets a young elvish man with kind eyes and short blonde hair. At first she feels guilty about being happy with him, but when Vex sees them together and smiles to Keyleth, she takes it as a sign that it has been long enough since Vax left her life and that she has the right to be happy again. A raven later lands on her as she sits on his bench and then flits off into the moonlight, telling her that she is free to do as she wishes. ⦁ After many years of courting this man, she decides to wed. Korrin is so excited to see his daughter joyful again and to get to walk his only child down the aisle after so long. A conspiracy of ravens alight on a tree above the ceremony, but so caught up in her vows, Keyleth hardly notices. Its what Vax would have wanted. As she says "I do", the ravens fly off. ⦁ She never can forget Vax, but she is happy with her husband and they have three precious quarter human kids: Vilya, Kerrek, and Luna, all of whom become powerful druids who each complete an Aramente and become headmasters in their own right, giving Keyleth the time to settle down properly without having to lead a people. ⦁ Keyleth also plays a very important role in Cassandra Velora's life, teaching her to be strong druid. Keyleth teaches her to grow plants and polymorph. Cassandra Velora spends a lot of time as a bear playing with her brother, Trinket.

Grog ⦁ Along with spending time learning to read and living with the Trickhalts, Grog spends years under the tutelage of Earthbreaker Groon, eventually taking a few ranks in monk, learning patience. ⦁ This helps immensely when his beloved nieces and nephews get older and insufferable. The de Rolos, just like their parents, are mostly snarky know-it-alls. The Trickhalts, though sweet like their mother, are also silly pranksters like their father. Vax may have been the first to shave off Grog's beard, but he certainly wasn't the last. Keyleth's kids are kind and loving, but they tend to have a hard time understanding him. Dan Hydris is the worst of them all. He has nothing against Grog and quite likes to spar with him, but is too "cool" to spend time with his aunts and uncles. ⦁ When the kids are little, Grog reads to them, and as I said before, he does the voices the best. He often teaches most of the kids to write, at first at least. Uncle Grog is most loved because he can never deny them anything. When the Trickhalt home begins to fill up with little gnomes (and a tiefling) and J.B. and Kaylee comes home from school to stay, Grog moves out to Greyskull Keep. ⦁ So when the kids of VM get frustrated with their parents, they run off to Greyskull to pout with Uncle Grog, and he loves them so much. They go out to get dinner and dessert and they spar. Keyleth's kids spend time in the gardens, making Greyskull beautiful. The Trickhalts spend time in the Sarenrae temple praying and playing music. A couple of the de Rolos spend time in Percy's old workshop while the others spend time in various places in the Keep. Grog quietly keeps the kids out of their parents' old room because how could that go well. ⦁ While the kids spend time with Uncle Grog, the rest of VM goes on adventures -- Grog has had enough of adventuring and, having no (known and/or legitimate) kids of his own, he loves spending as much time with them as possible, especially as he has plenty of time to adventure on his own.

[ruffsficstuffplace]

And The AWRD Goes To... (Part 29)

Note: Extra long chapter, before I take a short break to assess other writing projects before the year ends.

An hour earlier, at a house that looked like a combination between a hunting lodge, a field laboratory, and a remote storage facility for old records and equipment, situated high up on the side of a mountain by the town of Hoshiko…

Inside of a large closet turned bedroom, its walls decorated with several Rune Rangers posters; calendars and planners covered in multi-coloured ink and childish doodles; and collectible figurines and manga on shelves, an alarm clock started beeping.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Laying sprawled out on her stomach in her bed, Silsa “Snowie” Schnee groaned, and put her pillow over her head. The alarm gradually kept on getting louder and louder, till no matter how many of her many pillows she packed over her ears, there was no blocking out the sound.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

Snowie just groaned, resigning herself to an unpleasant, sleepless morning, laying in the comfort of her own bed. The beeping switched to a pre-recorded message in Nick’s voice, spoken in Vox:

“Snowie, sweetheart, come on: get up. There’s shit to do, love to give and get, and a brand new day to meet, kiddo.”

Underneath her pillow reinforcements, Snowie smiled, but still stayed in her bed in the silence that followed. Her alarm switched to a different pre-recorded message, this time in Freya’s voice, but also spoken in Vox:

“Silsa! Get up, right this instant! You have chores and duties to attend to, and you better be sick, bedridden, or dying for you to be ignoring this!”

Snowie groaned, and started slowly pulling her pillows off her head, throwing them into space on her wall painted in black and yellow hazard lines. When all of them were piled up or otherwise out of the way, Snowie slowly rolled over onto her side, off the bed and onto the waiting carpet below.

Thump.

Sprawled out on her back, she stared up at the Solitan saying on her ceiling, painted a bright, gaudy pink, contrasting with the earthy browns of Mistralian hardwood:

“Good day or terrible day, you will see it to the end.”

She smiled, before she punched the pressure plate just above her head, shutting off her alarm. That done, she rolled over to her stomach, pulled out the items underneath. First, she took out her pill organizer and a water bottle, took her three daily doses. Then, she pulled out a notebook covered in incredibly tough, worn leather binding, opened it and pulled out the pen inside.

She marked three X’s on the boxes next to that day’s date, started slowly going down the list of things she’d written down the night before, before she flipped to the inside of the cover. Among other things, there was a small sliding chart with pictures of her family, and a free space with silhouettes adorned with question marks.

Snowie sighed—red bars for everyone but Whitley. She forced herself to get up, walked over to her door, and reviewed the laminated pictures on it:

Her three prescription bottles.

A journal covered with bullets, of the “firearms” variety.

Clothes, a shirt and a pair of pants, with a plus sign between them furiously scribbled in black marker.

Satisfied she’d assessed all of them, she stepped out of her door, and headed to the kitchen. Whitley was already seated at the table, eating a bowl of Starlight Crusader Crunchies, and reading something on his scroll at the same time.

“Good morning, Whitley!” Snowie said as she stepped up behind Whitley’s chair, hugged him and kissed the top of his head. “How are you feeling this morning?”

“Extremely glad it’s the weekend, and I have a two days reprieve from being tossed around in the Thunderdome that is Sanctum!” Whitley replied, looking up from his scroll long enough to smile at her. “How are you feeling, mother?”

“Like complete and absolute shit, as usual!” Snowie chirped happily as she stepped to the fridge, got herself a bottle of ginger ale. “I’m hungover, definitely had too much Steinbier last night, and overindulged in fanfiction shortly thereafter, but hey: at least it’s the weekend for me, too!” she said as she started taking slow, careful sips.

“Any plans for when Akko, Diana, and Ruby come over?”

“Already way ahead of you!” Snowie said, smiling and shooting Whitley a finger gun. “Got the perfect recipes already in mind, just gotta bike to Hoshiko later, get all the prep work done, put most of it in the fridge, then remember to toss the rest of the shit in the slow cooker before I pass out tonight!

“Then, come morning, I only need to toss it in the oven for like half-an-hour or unplug the crockpot, it’s gonna be delicious, and more importantly, it requires the least amount of active input from me possible, which minimizes the chances of me screwing it up!

“Unless Ruby and Diana have serious food allergies or aversions to literally everything I can buy at Hoshiko, there’s no way this can go wrong!”

Whitley put his spoon back into his bowl, and looked up from his scroll once more.

Snowie calmly took one more drink of her ginger ale, and carefully put it back down on the counter. “I fucked up and wrote ‘Sunday’ instead of ‘Saturday,’ didn’t I?”

Whitley nodded. “Yes. Yes you did, mother.”

Snowie began to make a long, continuous noise, starting as a quiet whine, gradually growing louder and louder to a wail of pure anguish, occasionally broken by hysterical sobbing.

Whitley sighed as he put his scroll down. “Mom, you’re going to be fine, we’re going to be fine.”

“No, no we’re not!” Snowie wailed as she started pacing about in the tiny kitchen, her hands gesturing wildly as she spoke. “Ruby and Diana are going to go in through that door, see how much of a fucking disaster this house is, and because we’re the only ones around to handle them, they’ll probably silently promise never to come back here again, and just stay at the inn at Hoshiko if circumstance ever drives them back here!”

Whitley turned around in his seat to look at her, Snowie held up both her palms, before she made the time-out sign. Whitley shut his mouth, Snowie gripped the counter as she took long, deep breaths, in-and-out, in-and-out.

“…We need to clean this place up…” Snowie said as she let go of the counter, noticeably calmer. “Cook breakfast… a socially acceptable one you can offer guests… and I need to bathe, because I smell like beer, ugly crying, and nervous sweating!”

“Okay, that last one certainly is a priority, and the second would be nice, but is the first really necessary?” Whitley asked. “I mean, we’re both exhausted from school starting up again—your struggling to be here all alone all day on weekdays, Weiss’ clearly less-than-ideal first week in Haven, and my being back in Sanctum.

“Not to mention, the limited square footage of this house hasn’t made it physically impossible to get that dirty—our crap’s just more densely packed and space-efficient,” he said, gesturing to one of the shelves and containers close to the ceiling and crammed into the nooks and crannies of the house, all overflowing with random crap.

Snowie scowled. “Look here, you little shit: Ruby and Diana are going to be stuck with Weiss and Akko for the next four years, and we need to—hmnnnn…!” she balled her shaking hands, and took in some more deep, calming breaths, before she uncurled her fists. “… Sit down, like reasonable, responsible adults, and we are going to discuss our response, or lack thereof, to Weiss’ and Akko’s team coming here today.”

Whitley put his spoon back into his cereal, shut off his scroll, and set them both to the side. “You have my attention, mother. Would you like to start?” he asked, spreading his hands open in front of him.

“Yes, yes I would, actually, Whitley, thank you,” Snowie said as she sat in the seat opposite his, pulling out the chair with one hand before she summarily parked her butt on it. “I would really like you to please help me clean up the house and cook a decent breakfast for three, because as you know, I’m pretty usele—“ she winced “--unconfident in my abilities and competence…!”

Whitley nodded. “I understand why you would want my help with this, and I also understand the motivation and the reasoning behind making a good first impression for Weiss and Akko’s teammates, but I will counter with this:

“Mother, throughout all my years of living in this house, I have come to the conclusion that we as a family are totally incapable of keeping any sense of normality, order, or decency for any prolonged periods of time.

“However well we can clean up this house and whatever we can whip up on short notice to give the impression that life here is generally at this level of ‘Nice,’ I am absolutely certain that within the hour of AWRD sans Weiss arriving, all of our hard work will be undone, and whatever positive assumptions or beliefs they had from said first impression will swiftly be totally, brutally erased and readjusted to fit the reality that they will be exposed to later today, and indeed, however many times her other two teammates return here afterward, if they ever do.

“In short: I believe that the effort and the stress of cleaning up and pretending we are even the slightest bit normal is not worth the very, very temporary, possibly even counter-intuitive rewards. Why should we even bother…?”

“Because, Whitley, we need to at least look like we give a shit.”

“An excellent point!” Whitley said, pointing at Snowie. “However, I remain unconvinced, and I am still not yet even partially recovered from the hellish events of this week, and thus will be returning to my cereal and fictional lesbians now,” he said as he pulled his scroll and breakfast back to him.

Snowie scowled and slammed both her hands on the table. “Okay, you know what? Forget it!” she knocked her chair back as she shot up from her seat, caught it and threw it back down to all four legs as she walked away. “I’ll just do this all by myself!”

“I wish you the best of luck, mother, really I do!” Whitley called out, idly shoveling some cereal into his mouth as he returned to his reading.

Snowie ignored him as she went to her “Instructions To My Future Self” file cabinet in the living room, situated just by the stairs leading upwards. She pulled out the master list from the top drawer, found the one for “First Visit By AWRD,” and proceeded to unfold a gigantic flowchart decorated with stickers, symbols, cryptic code, and a system of arrows and nodes that seemed to go every which way.

Snowie flipped it over from the “If Drunk” side on the front to the “If Sober” side at the back, read the slightly more legible and better organized version of the flowchart, then got to work.

She began with the cleaning, picking up empty beer bottles, random junk, and discarded clothes scattered wherever there was space; crusty plates and utensils that had been left abandoned over the week; and all manner of takeout napkins, butcher paper, and obsolete print-outs that were adorned with Snowie’s doodles, writing, and random, sometimes illegible scribbling.

When all of that was shoved into her bedroom, and the door securely braced to prevent any sort of mortifying avalanche if it all spilled out, she went back to the kitchen, pulling out Freya’s homemade cleaning supplies. After strapping on a mask, gloves, safety goggles, and an apron loaded with pockets akin to a military vest, she wielded two modified combat-grade chemical sprayers in both hands, their revolvers gleaming in the light.

“Seal the kitchen, Whitley, mommy’s going on a germicidal war!” Snowie cried as she ran out, putting the safeties off.

“Way ahead of you!” Whitley said, using his scroll to activate the emergency air-vents, doors coming down from the ceiling and sealing off the entrances.

Snowie slid out into the living room on her knees, guns akimbo and firing cleaning solutions loaded with acetic and citric acids, specially engineered and cultivated bacteria and enzymes, her mother’s dirt-and-dust-eating concoctions, and water to make sure the various mixtures weren’t too concentrated.

She got back up on her feet, still firing like mad, spraying thick clouds of disinfectant everywhere, switching firing modes to suit the job: pressurized bullets to shoot up into the ceiling and hard to reach nooks; explosive, short-range gobs to dislodge stubborn stains; and continuous streams to wear down some of the most egregious splatters and spots from who-knew-what from however long ago.

No surface remained uncovered, Snowie’s hands flying every which way and whatever angle she needed to, twisting, spinning, and even bending backwards to eradicate every last stain.

Those that still refused to disappear were quickly set upon with much more dedicated, close-range physical assault with brushes, sponges, and cleaning cloths, Snowie scrubbing as vigorously as it took to eradicate them, the sturdy furniture and materials her parents’ preferred for everything barely affected.

She ran up to their bathroom, pulled out a grenade from her apron pocket. She opened the door, pulled the pin, tossed the bomb in, then shut the door.

Slam.

Shortly after:

Boom.

Snowie waited a few moments, before she opened the door, bluish mist pouring out the crack. She peered in, and satisfied that the bathroom-bomb had done its job well, scrambled up the stairs to the second floor. She was happy that she didn’t need to clean her parents’ room or their indoor workshops/laboratories, but there was still one more massive, difficult job waiting for her:

Her kids’ room.

It used to be a rather spacious guest room for cramming all the people Nick and/or Freya needed to absolutely have in their remote, intentionally isolated home, but now it was cramped with four bunk beds, and an excess of storage and shelving that made it possible to store more items than should have probably been physically possible in that space.

Weiss and Akko’s things were for the most part gone, moved to Haven or back to the latter’s home in Hoshiko, but there were still all the belongings they had had chosen to leave behind, not to mention Whitley and Winter’s possessions.

Snowie calmly sucked in a breath as she flipped open both her sprayers revolvers, tilted the almost-to-completely spent cartridges into her apron, before loading them with fresh ammo using two speedloaders.

She snapped the revolvers back into place. “Let’s fucking do this,” she said, spinning the sprayers in her hands before she holstered them.

Sheets were pulled off. Pillows were thrown out to the hall. Dirty clothing was thrown into the Starlight Crusaders hampers in the corner. Physically printed doujin and manga (Winter’s especially) were put back into their respective bookshelves, and their owner’s preferred method of discrete storage, such as trap doors underneath the beds, camouflaged shelves, or hidden nooks in the ceiling.

Every moisture-sensitive item back into its place, or otherwise sheltered and shielded from potential harm, Snowie whipped out her sprayers, and started fumigating once more.

A minute later, she staggered out of the room, heaving and sweating as she felt her mask’s filters finally begin to reach their limits. She took a brief reprieve by an open window to feel the rays of the rising sun on her face, breath in fresh air, wipe the sweat off her skin, and switch out the air-filters for fresh ones.

She was tempted to look at her scroll, before she stayed the hand reaching into the pocket containing it. “No, Snowie, no...” she whispered in-between pants. “… As soon as you open decantr… it’s all over.” She reached instead to the one with a bottle of water, chugged it, before she shoved it back into her apron, then bolted for the fireman’s pole that was in the center of their winding staircase.

She leaped towards it with a proud grin on her face!

Her outstretched hand missed it, Snowie hit the bar full-force, her aura preventing any physical damage, but not the uniquely unpleasant sensation of accidentally throwing yourself into a solid metal pole.

Tung…!

The pole vibrated slightly from the impact, Snowie’s other hand reflexively gripped it, slowing her descent back down to the living room, still holding onto it as she carefully lowered herself down to her butt, before she let go, fell backwards, and let out a quiet, agonized gasp of pain.

A glyph appeared underneath her, glowing the same shade as Whitley’s eyes, before it exploded in a flash, Snowie’s body now glowing with the slate blue of her Aura. She sighed as she felt the pain disappear and strength flood back into her body.

“Thanks, Whitley!” Snowie called out, still on the floor.

“Don’t thank me yet!” Whitley yelled back from the kitchen. “Akko and the others managed to hitch a ride with Owaka’s airship—he’s dropping them off somewhere down the road, and they’re going to be here any minute!”

Snowie scrambled back up to her feet, spewing the vilest curses she knew in Vox, rapid-fire. “… rat-dicked motherfucker!” she finished as she began to stagger to the kitchen. “I have to get cooking—Whitley, please, just distract them until I can--” she stopped, and sniffed the air. “Wait, are you cooking something…?”

“Quiche, two of them!” Whitley replied. “Better pray neither Ruby nor Diana hate or have severe allergies to eggs, milk, spinach, bacon, and/or nuts, because otherwise we don’t have anything else in the fridge right now!”

Snowie blinked, before her eyes watered. “Whitley: have I ever told you that I love you...?”

“Yes, mother, very many times...” Whitley replied. “Mostly whilst drunk and/or sobbing hysterically, and as always: I love you too.”

Snowie sniffed, before she wiped the tears from her eyes. “I’ll just be sneaking out the back entrance and taking a bath in the river, Whitley!” she called out. “But first, I’m going to have myself a celebratory beer for being fucking awesome,” she said to herself as she reached into a small drawer right by the front door, the empty and full Mantle Steinbier bottles inside clinking noisily.

Snowie picked one up and popped the lid off with a smooth, almost uninterrupted motion; she took a swig of freezing cold beer, shivered in pleasure as she pulled it away from her lips.

Their door rang, a series of different sized bells chiming in a melody. Snowie nearly jumped, shut her front door beer drawer, fixed her appearance in the mirror on the wall opposite it, before she peered out the peephole.

Akko’s smiling face took up the entire view, standing right in front of the door as usual.

Snowie smiled too, and didn’t hesitate to pull open the door. “Hi Akko!” she greeted warmly. Her smile remained plastered on her face as her eyes grew wide. “… Akko’s teammates! Ruby and Diana, right…?”

The two of them were about to smile and greet her back, before all three of them noticed the freshly opened beer in Snowie’s hand, frost still pouring out the mouth of it. Still smiling, Snowie slowly reached for the beer drawer again, pulled it open, put her bottle back in, and closed it, its contents clinking noisily the whole time.

Just then, the short-range communicator by the door activated. “Air-Med to Snowfall, Air-Med to Snowfall: come in, Snowfall, over.”

All of them looked at it in confusion, before Snowie held up her hand to Akko and co, and quietly picked up the receiver with the other. “Snowfall to Air-Med, Snowfall to Air-Med: we read you, but where are you from, and what the hell are you doing here, over?”

“Ōkuninushi Medical, bringing a patient plus guardian back home, Snowfall. Over.”

“Wait, Weiss...? I thought they said she’d be at the hospital for a week, at the minimum…? Ah, over!”

“Doctor’s changed their mind, Snowfall; guardian wanted the early discharge it to be a surprise. Anyway, requesting clearance for landing, over.”

Snowie looked at the others, a mix of expressions on their faces, cast a glance at Whitley looking in from the kitchen with a spatula in hand, before she returned to the receiver. “Circle for five minutes, Air-Med; it’s been a while since we had a landing, getting it ready might be a while. Over and out.”

“Roger willco, Snowfall, over and out.”

Five minutes later, the roof of the house was transformed into a landing pad, sections of it becoming part of the runway or giving way to the sturdy materials that had been folded up inside. The gears, motors, and assorted machinery groaned and churned from lack of use and maintenance, but it was still enough for the airbus to land safely.

“Mom! Whitley!” Weiss cried as she was rolled out to the runway, Freya trailing beside her. The smiles on both their faces stayed as they noticed the three other faces carefully peering out from the trap door that lead out to the landing pad-roof. “… Akko, Ruby, Diana…!

“… What are you three doing here…?” Freya continued, a tremour of nervousness in her voice.

“We ran into an issue with Akko’s studying back at Haven,” Diana replied as she and the others sheepishly climbed out. “We thought we should go back here and study Akko’s old reviewers, try and recreate it once we get back to Haven...”

There was a moment of silence as all of Team AWRD, the other Schnees present, and the paramedics in the airbus all looked at each other.

“Well, this is horribly awkward!” Whitley said, breaking it. “Who wants to have breakfast before we all talk about this later, in private groups, or all at once? I made quiche—bacon or spinach, both with eggs and milk so apologies for intolerance to any of those!

“We can even use Blubbermouth.”

“Blubbermouth…?” Diana asked.

“It’s a plushie we all use when we need to talk about difficult things to each other...” Weiss said as a paramedic continued to wheel her in. “Very useful for things like a conversation we should have had about a certain condition of mine...”

Akko’s eyes widened. “Ah, yeah about that… sorry Weiss, but I kinda… told Ruby and Akko after we met up at the hospital. Just them, though, and we all promise we haven’t leaked to anyone else!”

Weiss’ eyes widened, before she sighed, resigned. “It’s okay, Akko… I would have done the same then if I could.” She sucked in a breath, and looked at Ruby and Diana. “Look, I know Akko probably told you everything you needed to know about it and then some, but I trust you still have questions she couldn’t answer, and, well, I kinda need to explain it myself, too.”

“So… Team AWRD to breakfast, then my room to talk about my Depression...?” she asked, smiling hopefully as she carefully raised her hand into the air.

“To breakfast, then your room!” Akko said, striking a pose.

“To breakfast, then your room!” Ruby said as she did the same.

Diana looked at the three of them, before she sighed, imitated the pose, and then said, “To breakfast, then your room...”

Whitley smiled and teared up. “I’ll moderate,” he said as he wiped his eyes on the back of his hand. “It’s the least I can do for that reference.”

The airbus took back off to Mistral, team AWRD and the Schnees headed back down inside for breakfast, then a much-needed talk in Weiss’ room afterward.

Note: There’s the big reveal. Did you guys not notice that the answer was in the AO3 tags the entire time…?

[funface2]

The Area 51 meme and the strange, winding tale of Matty Roberts – Vox.com

RACHEL, Nevada — For the mess he’s found himself in, Matty Roberts is surprisingly calm.

One night in late June, Roberts was up late scrolling on Facebook. That is his wont; a 21-year-old college kid who lives with his parents in Bakersfield, California, he spends a lot of time online in anime and video gaming communities. And most of all, Roberts is into shitposting, trading in a genre of particularly silly memes that’s especially popular on Facebook. The posts can range from a SpongeBob screenshot that makes a joke about the cartoon character getting stoned, to a fart noise-laden remix of Billie Eilish’s “Bad Guy” video.

Roberts runs a small Facebook page called “Shitposting cause I’m in shambles,” which scratches his meme-seeking itch. He not only shares posts he sees and likes; he creates his own. And that June night, he posted something different than just an image macro-referencing a cartoon or existing online goof. He decided to create a Facebook event as the stage for his joke; it went on to strike a chord with millions.

He called it “Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop All of Us.” Inspired by the covert Nevada military base that many have long believed to be some kind of alien testing ground or site where the government is investigating unidentified aerial phenomena, he proposed gathering as many people as possible on September 20 to cross the fenced-off land. “Let’s see them aliens,” the event description implored.

Within days, nearly a million people had signed on — either in jest or in earnest. Not long after that, the military got involved.

Roberts’s shitpost had quickly, surprisingly, caused a stir that was at once hilarious and very serious. To date, 3 million Facebook users have showered Roberts’s prank event page with international attention, playing into its tongue-in-cheek recognition of the government secrecy and extraterrestrial ties that Area 51 represents in popular culture. But as online jokes spread about bringing home aliens from a locked-down military base, “Storm Area 51” bled into real life. A spokesperson for the Air Force ominously warned people against approaching the base’s borders. Media outlets fought to interview Roberts and reported on his meme as if it were an impending catastrophe.

It has also triggered preparations for a state of emergency in two Nevada counties and generated more alien merch than anyone could ever want. Most of all, the meme has thrust Roberts, a long-haired, laid-back bro, into a national spotlight he probably didn’t deserve — or into the center of a debacle involving a rural town, the federal government, a business partner, a cease-and-desist order, and frequent evocations of Fyre Festival. Depends on who you ask.

“It’s not daunting at all,” Roberts says, with no small amount of hubris. As interest swelled, he took it upon himself to put on a legitimate Area 51 event — 148 miles away from Rachel, back in Las Vegas. “There is a little bit of pressure, but at the same time, it’s an exciting kind of pressure. It’s amazing.”

In the two months since he posted his open invitation, Roberts has become the self-proclaimed face of a live festival dubbed Alienstock. This weekend, real people are showing up for it.

Storm Area 51 was an obvious joke — one that tapped into the internet’s love for memes and easily repeatable humor and coalesced into something much bigger: competing festivals for UFO conspiracy theorists, fans of shitposting, and small-town Nevada locals.

By boosting Roberts’s profile, the event has become more than a gag. It is now, as Roberts says, a “brand.” Not to mention a potential crisis. (Alienstock may not be this year’s Fyre Festival, but rampant opportunism is threatening to bring it close.)

And Storm Area 51 has become emblematic of the cycle of fame in 2019: It was born of the internet, turned a random college kid from Bakersfield into a national figure overnight, and is so meta that it can barely be understood by those outside of it and the world it was born of.

“It plays perfectly into the shitposting culture, and it also plays perfectly into the genuine conspiracy theorists,” Roberts says. “I think it created the perfect storm.”

The inspiration for Roberts’s event was a Joe Rogan Experience interview that Roberts watched this summer, featuring Area 51 obsessive and self-proclaimed whistleblower Bob Lazar, a supposed ex-government engineer who has dubiously claimed to have worked on alien technology near the Air Force site. On the show, Lazar recounted what he claims is the extraterrestrial history of the base. But Roberts wasn’t taking Lazar too seriously: “First and foremost,” he says of his Facebook page, “It’s a shitposting page.”

Barbed wire and signage border a gate of the Nevada Test and Training Range, commonly referred to as Area 51, near Rachel, Nevada, on September 13, 2019.

Bridget Bennett/AFP/Getty Images

After his meme went viral, Roberts saw an opening to take the event’s notoriety and turn it into offline fame. He could become more than a screen name; he could become the face of 2019’s biggest meme. Better yet, maybe he could even make money off it.

“The whole Alienstock, Storm Area 51 thing is something that is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I feel like not taking advantage of this diving board that I’ve been given is just wasted,” Roberts says. “So I might as well move forward with it.”

Moving forward in this case initially meant directing people to the town of Rachel, Nevada, home to just 54 people, most of them retirees. Rachel’s claim to fame is that it lies just 30 miles north of Area 51, making it the closest possible gathering point for potential Area 51 raiders. (“You really won’t need a map to find places in Rachel,” the town’s slightly cynical website notes.) Roberts hooked up with the town’s sole local business, a lodge called the Little A’Le’Inn, to plan Alienstock as a Burning Man-style EDM music festival. As many as 30,000 attendees, who had already booked rooms nearby or expressed interest in driving up, were expected.

The seams started to show soon after Roberts announced Alienstock in late July. Selling tickets to an event loosely inspired by a meme suggested a shift from the ironic and self-effacing to the self-aggrandizing and profiteering — Alienstock was to be a weekend-long experience in the middle of nowhere, with parking and camping spaces costing between $60 and $140, all in order to see unnamed EDM acts and … get stoked about aliens? Roberts and the Little A’Le’Inn’s proprietor, Connie West, made few other promises.

Comparisons to Fyre Festival, the 2017 music festival-turned-criminal case, came fast, including from the citizens of Rachel itself. In mid-August, they presented a list of concerns to the commissioners of Lincoln County, Nevada, in an emphatic plea for help in preventing Alienstock from happening:

The main event organizer is a 20-year old kid. The media already likens this to the 2017 Fyre festival disaster where people paid a lot of money for a concert weekend that never happened. There are still many open law suits from that event.

An event with that many people typically takes 6-8 months to plan. The county and Rachel had 6 weeks.

Commissioners, please ask yourself: Do you really think sufficient planning has been done to be ready for this event? This can potentially ruin our county if it goes bad. It certainly will ruin Rachel.

Lincoln County Sheriff Kerry Lee told Vox in early September that the cash-strapped county was looking at spending as much as $300,000 providing additional law enforcement to support Rachel and other nearby towns during the weekend, all for an expected influx of visitors who might be looking to tempt fate by charging into Air Force territory.

“My staff has been inundated with phone calls and working on this,” Lee said. “We had to work on a law enforcement plan, communications plan, medical plan, mass casualty plan, active shooter plan — all these plans we have to put into place before this thing happens.”

He sounded exhausted. “I spend almost 100 percent of my day doing Area 51 stuff.”

A sign about the joke event Storm Area 51 hangs outside the Little A’Le’Inn information center and inn in Rachel, Nevada, on September 13, 2019.

Bridget Bennett/AFP/Getty Images

Meanwhile, Roberts and West still hadn’t offered concrete details on what visitors could expect during Alienstock, which was then set to take place September 20–22 in Rachel. Roberts had shifted away from encouraging a security breach at Area 51 and instead began offering Alienstock as counter-programming to storming the military facility. (Thankfully, he recognized the dangers of trying to raid the base. The Air Force is not playing around.)

Roberts drove to Rachel from Southern California two weeks early and posted selfies. He tweeted about anime and UFC. And he insisted that Alienstock — and he, Matty Roberts — was a brand Area 51 believers would want to buy into.

“Alienstock has always been more of a cultural movement,” said Roberts. “It was born out of the curiosity of the internet and the curiosity surrounding aliens, UFOs, everything like that, and just wanting to gather and throw cool parties.”

It’s that desire to “throw cool parties” that has inflated Roberts’s profile to troublingly unstable heights. Days after arriving in Rachel, Roberts announced that he and Alienstock had parted ways with West and the Little A’Le’Inn. He blamed a lack of “critical infrastructure” and a fear that, in West’s care, the event could become “a possible humanitarian disaster.”

“I had to try to remove any kind of association from it because I don’t want my brand, and I don’t want my face, to be associated with something as disastrous as Fyre Festival 2.0,” Roberts said. “And it could have been even worse than that with the location, the military base right there, and just the sheer controversy behind the thing. So with everything presented and not enough security or anything like that, I had no choice but to kind of try to wash my hands of the whole thing.”

Despite weeks of warnings that Rachel, Nevada, couldn’t handle an event of any size, a pre-signed state of emergency declaration (another one soon followed), and a non-existent event schedule, it took Roberts until the eleventh hour to move the event to a safer location.

He signed on to co-host an Area 51-themed party at the Downtown Las Vegas Event Center on September 19 with Bud Light as a sponsor. Alienstock — or at least, the spirit of Storm Area 51 that had driven it — was dead.

Instead, the party featured hula hoopers in neon outfits, and a few signs and shirts referencing the meme. The attendees — who could best be described as scattered — clutched cans of watery beer emblazoned with alien imagery. Though he reportedly made a brief appearance, a reporter attending the event noted that Roberts was nowhere to be found.

Meanwhile, West, of the Little A’Le’Inn, insisted she would still host some kind of event in Rachel, however, with bands who will play for free. Roberts has served her with a cease-and-desist notice.

The breakdown in West’s and Roberts’s partnership is just a sliver of the drama that has ensued from the moment that Roberts declared his intent to prolong the Storm Area 51 meme. And it’s not just between Roberts and West; alien and UFO enthusiasts see Roberts as a negative presence in their communities, too.

Matty Roberts moved his Alienstock festival from its original planned location in Rachel, Nevada, to the Downtown Las Vegas Events Center at the last minute.

Ethan Miller/Getty Images

One of Roberts’s most vocal critics is the documentarian Jeremy Corbell, who happened to be a guest on that Joe Rogan podcast episode Roberts first watched. Corbell, who had spent the last seven years following Bob Lazar and spreading what they say is the word of truth about Area 51, is a passionate believer in UFO technology and greatly distrusts the government. For Corbell, the interest in Roberts’s Storm Area 51 meme reflects a huge moment — for his work, for ufology, for anyone who will entertain him or Lazar.

But Roberts, he says, is undermining all of that.

“When you’ve got the microphone, you have a responsibility to act in the same way that you talk,” Corbell says. “And if you are really concerned about safety, then you need to inform people and put aside personal gain.”

Corbell and Roberts’ relationship, according to Corbell, is a tenuous one; Corbell says that the kid from Bakersfield created Alienstock “on the sly or to the left.” And he thinks Roberts is turning this flashpoint for discussion of UFOs into a potential train wreck. Days before Alienstock was set to take place, two YouTubers jumped the gun and were arrested for trying to reach Area 51 on their own.

“This is far beyond a meme and alien Budweiser [beer]. This opportunity is far beyond that,” Corbell says. “It’s a cultural and social movement that has been going on for 30 years, since May 13, 1989,” the date that Bob Lazar first spoke out about the existence of Area 51. “Period. Full stop.”

Yet were Roberts and West really the only ones acting in their own self-interest? Corbell is also benefiting from Roberts’s mess. The more we talk about Storm Area 51 — positively or negatively — the more we push the names of Jeremy Corbell and Bob Lazar, as well as Connie West and Matty Roberts, into the public’s consciousness. Rachel, Nevada? At one point, the town was selling Storm Area 51 T-shirts on its website.

Perhaps that’s why Matty Roberts is so calm despite the chaos he’s created. No matter what happens, he’s coming out of this as someone greater than a kid with a shitposting Facebook page and fewer than 1,000 Twitter followers. He’ll be that Area 51 guy, for better or worse.

For now, he’s taking a semester off school to work on Alienstock’s future, but when he goes back, he says, he might switch his major to marketing. He’d probably be darn good at it, too.

An Extraterrestrial Highway sign posted along State Route 375 in Rachel, Nevada, on July 22, 2019.

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Bài viết The Area 51 meme and the strange, winding tale of Matty Roberts – Vox.com đã xuất hiện đầu tiên vào ngày Funface.

from Funface https://funface.net/funny-memes/the-area-51-meme-and-the-strange-winding-tale-of-matty-roberts-vox-com/

[theconservativebrief]

Pornhub has 80 million daily users and more pornographic videos than any other site in the history of the internet, and now it wants to be Playboy.

More specifically, what Playboy was in the ’90s. “A lifestyle brand, a fashion brand,” explains Alex Katz, co-founder of the Madrid-based creative agency Officer & Gentleman, which has been leading the brand strategy for Pornhub for the past four years.

Co-founder Javi Iñiguez jumps in: “The girls were wearing sweatshirts and purses with the Playboy bunny even though they might not have seen a Playboy magazine in their lives.”

Fair enough. Who doesn’t want the cultural clout of Hugh Hefner, literally everything else about Hugh Hefner aside?

It may be a small shock to discover that Pornhub even has a brand strategy, but it makes sense. The company has spent the past several years doing what anybody would do once they become superrich: buying their way to coolness. And, by extension, buying their way to women, whom the company has historically had a hard time appealing to.

I mean, who doesn’t see the connection between lifestyle brands and chicks?

Pornhub’s first website launched in 2007 and was acquired by the MindGeek conglomerate in 2010, at which time it merged with YouPorn, RedTube, and Xtube to become the Pornhub network. From there, it easily consolidated power to become the biggest porn distribution platform ever, but its new challenge was to become a brand that anyone would talk about out loud, and just maybe, someday, wear on a T-shirt.

Models from the ’90s-inspired Playboy fashion line launched last year by Joyrich. Joyrich

In 2014, the network held a contest asking advertising and creative professionals to submit concepts for safe-for-work, PG-13 Pornhub ads that could run in traditional media spots. The move was a reaction to a year of mainstream misses and only two hits: In 2013, Pornhub finagled a centerpiece montage (with clips handpicked by VP Corey Price) in the heart of the porn-focused Joseph Gordon-Levitt rom-com Don Jon. It also nabbed dozens of headlines in outlets from BuzzFeed to SBNation when CBS refused to air a 20-second, completely innocuous ad spot during the Super Bowl. By the time anyone bothered to point out that Super Bowl ads are only sold in 30-second increments, the scam had done its work.

Thanks to the contest, Pornhub buddied up with both Officer & Gentleman and Vendetta Studios, an LA-based viral video production house headed by Dave Lehre — an anxiety-inducing internet personality best known for one of the first viral YouTube clips, “MySpace: the movie,” and more recently for an elaborate stunt in which he fashioned himself into “the first white American K-pop star.”

For Pornhub, Lehre made a litany of viral videos, mostly ads for Pornhub’s new product releases: a VPN service, a “BaDoink” VR headset, a $1,000 robotic twerking butt, and so on.

“Make the brand accessible to the world” was the brief, Lehre says. Make it PG-13; make it live on YouTube; make it shareable. “When we came in, it was all potential. Nobody had tapped the power of Pornhub.” He pauses. “Damn, that sounds epic.”

Officer & Gentleman’s first projects were also tech-related: videos for a cryptocurrency called Titcoin and a (real) piece of wearable tech that would recharge your phone while you masturbated. It was called Wankband. At Christmastime last year, noting the success of gift cards for streaming services like Spotify and Netflix, they started selling Pornhub Premium gift cards. “We thought it would be the perfect Secret Santa present at workplaces and stuff like that,” Iñiguez says.

(Please don’t give a Pornhub Premium gift card to anyone you work with.)

So, is Pornhub … a tech company? “Depends who you ask,” Katz says, though he seems uninterested in the proposition. “But I think the brand … it’s an entertainment company. You don’t see anyone wearing Facebook shirts because they’re cool.”

Right, right. Cool, we’re doing cool here.

“[In online porn], everyone has the same product, so the only way you can differentiate yourself is by building a brand,” Katz explains. “We only want to create advertising that can go viral.” That means safe-for-work content. “[Pornhub] has enough porn; they need content that’s shareable.”

“Everything has to go viral,” Iñiguez points out. So you throw a lot of shit at the wall to see what sticks. The list of what Pornhub has not been willing to try in the past four years would probably be more expedient, but here we are.

It launched its own lube brand, then the world’s largest lube slide. (One of Lehre���s projects, of which he says, “They didn’t come to set, they just said ‘Oh, we have these 5-gallon drums of lube we can send over.’ We got this huge slide. They sent all these porn stars to hang out and slide down it. That was a magic day.”)

“[In online porn], everyone has the same product, so the only way you can differentiate yourself is by building a brand”

At one point, the company started a record label and hosted music video premieres for California rapper Mykki Blanco and Michigan metal band King 810. It hosted a porn film festival in New York, featuring soft-core entries from Miley Cyrus and James Franco. It made an “adult adult coloring book” featuring X-rated sketches from Instagram and Tumblr artists, which it then sold exclusively at the Think Tank Gallery in LA, Verso Books in Milan, and the menswear boutique Off the Hook in Montreal. It launched a line of sex toys, then commissioned Spanish electro-pop band Perlita to create a song from sex toy noises.

The high-end Italian denim company Diesel became the first fashion brand to advertise on a porn site in January 2016, kicking off a much-covered official partnership with Pornhub. Creative director Nicola Formichetti told Dazed, “We all go on websites like Pornhub, you know? So before you start jerking off maybe you can stop and look at our new pants.” For New York Fashion Week in 2017, Hood by Air sent a Pornhub-inspired line down the runway (models wore their hair stylized as if it were coated in semen, and jackets reading “HUSTLER” and “NEVER TRUST A CHURCH GIRL”).

In September that year, the New York streetwear brand Richardson announced a capsule collection featuring Pornhub-branded hoodies, hats, swimsuits, jackets, and T-shirts — one featuring porn actress, poet, and Pornhub spokesperson Asa Akira, and another featuring the flags of countries in which Pornhub is banned. Two months later, the New York outerwear brand Moose Knuckles debuted a limited-edition Pornhub bomber jacket that was sold through the Rihanna-blessed SoHo streetwear staple VFILES.

VFILES is also beloved by Pornhub’s most important woman: Kim Kardashian.

Last summer, the team stopped by the De Re Gallery in Los Angeles for “Make Me Famous,” the first exhibition by “professionally provocative” Instagram-famous twins Allie and Lexi Kaplan — just to pick up a painting of the Kim Kardashian–Ray J sex tape, which is now prominently displayed in the company’s LA office.

Pornhub loves Kim. When she was robbed at gunpoint later that year, Pornhub offered $50,000 “in exchange for information leading to [the] arrest and conviction of criminals who robbed Kim Kardashian.” The press release said that everyone at Pornhub was “deeply saddened” by the “horrible incident,” and reminded the world that Kim Kardashian’s sex tape with Ray J “remains the most viewed video on Pornhub with 110,198,725 views and counting.”

“We consider her to be a member of the Pornhub family,” Pornhub VP Corey Price tells Vox. “As such, we wanted to extend a helping hand and do all that we could to help bring the wrongdoers to justice.” Ultimately, the police didn’t need Pornhub’s help, but it’s a nice gesture. The video now has more than 143 million views!

Pornhub hosted a sci-fi art installation in LA’s De Re Gallery last summer. Maggie West/Pornhub

This June, the company sponsored an elaborate sci-fi art installation at the LA nightclub Union — handing the reins over to LA photographer and activist Maggie West (best known for her “Fluid” series, containing abstract images of blood, saliva, and semen) and New York artist Ryder Ripps (best known for creating the branding for Soylent and using the Ace Hotel’s artist residency to hire two Craigslist sex workers for a widely-reviled project called “ART WHORE”).

Then it partnered with the editorial arm of luxury fashion seller SSENSE to produce an avant-garde photo shoot and literary companion essay called “The Data of Desire,” using Pornhub analytics to figure out which sneaker brands are most fetishized in porn. (Converse, Nike, Adidas, Vans, and Yeezy, in that order.)

Then last month, Kanye West told Jimmy Kimmel he “still looks at Pornhub” and the company reached out via Twitter to offer him a lifetime subscription to Pornhub Premium. Two weeks later, he was serving as creative director for the first annual Pornhub Awards in Los Angeles, which were reportedly a disaster but came off, anyway, as a major coup.

West debuted a new music video featuring the currently incarcerated Lil Pump at the awards and brought G.O.O.D. Music signee Teyana Taylor along to perform. He dressed porn stars in the latest Yeezy collection (when he bothered to dress them at all) and arranged them onstage to accept futuristic-dildo-shaped award statues he also supposedly designed. The next day, he announced a line of Yeezy sweatshirts featuring the night’s winners, including “Nicest Tits” honoree Kendra Sunderland and “Hottest Female Ass” honoree Mia Malkova.

“Where do these [partnership] decisions come from?” Katz parrots back to me. “Well, we can’t be in mainstream spaces, so we become this outsider brand that’s doing out-there things. That’s what attracts these other brands like Richardson and Yeezy. Pornhub has an outsider quality that draws people to them.”

Here’s the rub (sorry): Per Pornhub’s own data, as of December 2017, just 26 percent of the site’s users are women.

This is not really a problem, as what Iñiguez pointed out is true: Girls didn’t have to read Playboy to buy the clothes. But it is kind of a problem, mostly because women make up a large share of the people on earth, and Pornhub has basically nowhere to go within the demographic it already serves.

So far, Pornhub has tried selling Mother’s Day–specific cardboard VR headsets, publishing site traffic insights from the day of the 2017 Women’s March, and weighing in on International Women’s Day to announce that it would change the “female-friendly” tag on its site to “popular with women.” It also pointed out that searches for Amy Schumer rose 513 percent in tandem with her Instagram post about the holiday.

“More than ever before, women are coming forward to express their desires more openly,” Price says. “And we want to provide resources to support that.”

So, this January, Pornhub debuted “F*ck Your Period.”

“There are two types of women: women who have sex on their period and women who don’t,” Katz tells me. “It’s 49 [percent] to 51,” (based on an informal Pornhub survey of its female users). With that, uh, fact in mind, Pornhub launched a campaign with the goal of explaining the health benefits of having an orgasm during your period. It made its own period calendar app and encouraged women to fill it out so that each month, they would receive a free login code for Pornhub Premium for the duration of their period. “[The goal was] to get girls to experiment with Pornhub for the first time in case they hadn’t,” Katz says. “Pornhub is a sex-friendly, female-friendly company.”

Pornhub’s cryptocurrency launch in New York. Officer & Gentleman

Yet the campaigns aimed at women are rarely the ones that blow up. In March, the site started accepting cryptocurrency as payment and had models stroll through the Financial District in Pornhub-branded ski masks, tossing plastic coins and licking the Wall Street bull’s balls. This worked: It got press.

The following month, Pornhub launched a program called “The Visionaries Director’s Club” with the aim of “[diversifying] porn production” and gave rapper Young M.A. a budget to write and produce her own pornographic short film. The company described the film in a press release, writing that it would appeal to “our progressive generation,” and adding, “While high production level lesbian content is often clearly created with the male gaze in mind, M.A’s debut film is authentic and genuine to her taste profile.”

Last month, it gave a similar budget to pansexual singer and rapper Brooke Candy, who wrote of her film, “We had the most next level crew of fine artists from all over the world and the cast of actors that I chose really had an inner beauty which they unleashed on film. It’s queer, it’s sex-positive and it’s super-hot.” This didn’t work — it got no press. But the data says that female usership of Pornhub grows every year, Price points out. So it’s fine.

As a woman who menstruates, did I know that orgasms make period cramps less painful and bleeding cycles shorter? I mean, as a woman who drinks water, did I know it keeps my organs running?

Pornhub’s brand strategy is elaborate, multifaceted, funny, and cool. It’s also as simple as a bunch of straight boys chasing what straight boys so often chase: a projection of ease and edge that makes them appealing to other boys like them, and a veneer of caring that they hope will grant them an in with women.

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Original Source -> Pornhub wants to be a lifestyle brand

via The Conservative Brief

[doomedandstoned]

Strike The Sun: An Interview with Miami’s SHROUD EATER

~By Billy Goate~

~Pictures by Wicked Ways Photography~

This piece has been a long time coming. SHROUD EATER has been a powerful force in doom metal for damn near a decade. Their sound crackles with electricity, with a rumbling low-end that has caused a ripple in the underground and vocals that soar triumphantly above the rubbled landscape. It's inexplicable that we haven't covered them in these pages before. Chalk it up to a scene that has just mushroomed exponentially in size since Doomed & Stoned blasted off in 2013. I came within feet of seeing them at Psycho Las Vegas a few years back, but by that time in the festival I was so exhausted I overslept. So it was high time we gave the Miami trio of Jean Saiz (guitars, vox), Jan Valentine (bass, backing vocals), and Davin Sosa (drums) some love. This has been an eventful year for the band, seeing the realization of their second full-length, 'Strike The Sun (2017 - STB Records), and then having the unenviable experience of seeing this self-same sun "stricken" by a certain hurricane called Irma just a month later. The band was kind enough to oblige me an interview in the days following, including an in-depth, track-by-track walkthrough of their Doom Charting new record.

The new record is a behemoth. Are you finding your approach to writing as a band has changed significantly since the early days? What's your creative process like now?

Jan: First off, thanks for digging the new record! Now, as far as the writing process goes, it’s definitely changed due to changes in dynamics within the band depending on who we’re writing with. I feel that with Davin in the band we are all more involved as a unit. Normally, a riff idea blooms, one of us writes lyrics, things just come together and if it feels right we run with it. Sometimes Jean, being the main song writer, has a solid idea to work off of. Currently, the process has a pretty organic flow.

Most young bands would find it hard to envision five years together and hear you are inching ever closer to 10. I'm curious, how your relationships with one another evolved over the years. Assuming you've always been tight. Would you say being in a long-term band relationship is more or less like being in a marriage? Weird question, I know.

Jan: I personally refer to a band relationship as being very much like a marriage, so not a weird question at all. Jean and I have been together 15 years, have been in this band for about a decade now and have been playing with Davin for a little over two years. Personalities, creative interests, sense of humor, compromise, communication, similar goals -- all among the many things that need to jive in order to make a relationship work. If any of these aspects don’t mesh or there’s no connection it’s very difficult to come together creatively. Writing is very much an intimate experience whereas performing can easily be compared to letting it all hang out so to speak. When shit works, it just does.

What do you all do when you're not creating and performing music?

Jan: Jean is a graphic designer by day and works on commissioned artwork by night. She also runs her cassette label, Primitive Violence. She’s worked on some really killer releases including our limited edition cassette packages for Strike the Sun. Davin is a skilled sushi chef and can also whip up a mean hot sauce. He’s a video game enthusiast and is really good with horses. I’m a full-time photographer, animal lover, dabble in incense-making, and a B-movie buff. I enjoy collecting shitty movies and forcing friends to watch them.

This is your second full-length in 6 years. How is it different for you putting out an LP versus and EP? Does it basically just come down to the number of songs you have on hand? What's special about this LP for you?

Davin: Wasn't here for the whole six, but it's pretty much just that. There's definitely an urge to make the songs on an LP flow better together, while an EP can be presented as a “grab bag” of songs. Aside from being my first longer release with the band, what makes this one special for me is how Jan and Jean pretty much let me do things my way (the dumb, hard way) on the recording front. It was a crazy learning experience, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to have put us all through hell and back.

The sound on 'Strike The Sun' is exquisite. I feel surrounded by fuzz, so thick you could slice it with a knife and gobble it whole! Take us inside the studio and share, if you will, what it took to capture just the right tone and tenor you wanted. For instance, what gear did you/do you find essential to get the sound you want?

Davin: Thank ya! We captured the raw DI signals for guitar and bass in the comfort of our respective homes, and took those dry tracks with us to HiFive Audio in Deland, Florida to be re-amped through the gals’ rigs. This allowed the boys at HiFive to really dial in a great tone without worrying about the strength of our performances. As far as gear goes, Jean’s sound hinges largely on the Black Forest, Pharaoh, and Quantum Mystic pedals, all by Black Arts Toneworks, running full-stack out of a Verellen Skyhammer and Matamp GT 120. Jan also sports a Black Forest alongside the Revelation Superbass, all out of a Fender Super Bassman. Vocals were done at home with me in a similar fashion to the guitar ‘n bass, with drum tracking also taking place at HiFive. All lovingly mixed by Sanford Parker!

Did anything change between the practice room and the recording studio in regard to the songs to more fully realize your creative vision?

Davin: Small things like licks and fills. In a more substantial way, vocal parts got a little more detailed, and a couple songs got the synth treatment. I think the mantra was to not add anything engaging enough to the point where it's absence in a live setting would be noticeable.

You've worked with various producers over the years, but seem to have found your sweet spot with doing the recording yourself. Tell us about the difference it makes having Davin Sosa in the engineer's seat.

Jean: Having someone who is in the band handle the engineering and recording is great for us, because it assures that we have someone who really cares about and will go the extra mile on what they’re working on. He has an exceptional attention to detail, knows the songs from all angles, and he really loves the process of recording; I think that shows in everything we’ve put out since he’s joined us and I feel very fortunate in that respect.

Ok, let's get to the fun stuff. Take us through 'Strike The Sun' and guide us into this landscape of fire, flesh, dreams, and disaster. Is there an interlocking character to the songs we're hearing? Perhaps you can walk us track-by-track through the album, if you like.

Jean: Fire, flesh, dreams and disaster is a perfect summary! There are many references to not being of one flesh or skin, creating a certain sense of unstoppable will power, death, destruction and the lot. So let’s go on that track-by-track stroll:

Smokeless Fire

Strike the Sun by Shroud Eater

This ambient track, in my mind’s eye, sets the tone and landscape, if you will, for the songs that follow. It conjures a barren, desert-like landscape, with a looming maliciousness. The idea of a smokeless fire is one where the fire is pure, molten energy; to me it is the idea of building up our personal will-power into an unstoppable life-force. The last of the lyrics read: “Offer me sanctity from life's agony of desire” -- meaning, to cut the fat from life and live pure and full of purpose, even if that purpose is assassination and death, as is later revealed.

Iron Mountain

Strike the Sun by Shroud Eater

This is one of my favorites songs. I love the long, lumbering riff that opens it and lyrically it follows along the path that Smokeless Fire laid out. In this song, it is the beginning of the quest to find that which was lost, but first you must climb, you must struggle, and you cannot be thrown down or distracted from this climb and journey.

Awaken Assassin

Strike the Sun by Shroud Eater

This is a song Janette wrote, but in the scheme of the album, I see it as the unspoken character has found that which was being searched for, and now begins the work of death and destruction in earnest. The lines I contributed to the song (“Hash smoke open eyes, black toke now you arise, black smoke seeks your demise”) have to do with historical accounts of a sect of assassins in the 11th century led by an “Old Man of the Mountain” that would perform critical strikes of espionage and murder to kill key enemy figures -- but first, the Old Man would have the acolytes fucked up on hashish to instill total loyalty and devotion to the cause.

Another Skin

Strike the Sun by Shroud Eater

This is an instrumental track that was actually one of our older songs that fit into the narrative of Strike the Sun. There’s a lot of different riffs to this song that lend to the idea of wearing different forms or skins; constant change, constant evolution - where every possibility is within you, should you want to access it and bring it to light to achieve whatever goal. The sample we have towards the end is taken from the lectures of Joseph Campbell. In these samples he says, “You are not this body, you are not this ego, you are to think of this as something merely put on to be thrown away again.”

Dream Flesh

Strike the Sun by Shroud Eater

It may seem like a surprise but I really love writing and playing sparse, quiet, droney songs - but I have a rule where I rarely share them with anyone; they are my little secrets. Well, "Dream Flesh" is one such tune, but again, fit into the scheme of the record and made a perfect start to the Side B. The lyrics repeat: “A wound that never heals, A skin that never feels” -- again alluding to not being tied to one form or skin.

It Walks Among

Strike the Sun by Shroud Eater

This is an older one, and a favorite to play live to close out our set (live show spoiler!). This song is inspired by John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982), and when we play it live we preface it with a sample from the “Tape Recorder” scene, where MacReady is logging the intensifying paranoia vibe of the outpost. The words, “Nobody trusts each other now...and we’re all very tired,” echo out before we begin the song. The song itself has a weird pacing to it that I really enjoy. It starts off rather slow and sparse, and builds up into a wall of sound before backtracking to a very quiet and delicate part, so to speak. Lyrically we do pick up some of the dialogue in the “blood test” scene of the movie, but it does lend itself to our narrative of the changing/imitating/not of one flesh overarching assassin-character. The lines “Cleave to mortal flesh and break solid bone, becoming paranoid and trusting in no one” echo the sense of isolation, spiritual blackness, faltering on the path mentioned in earlier songs, and embracing the darkness to come to full potential.

Unseen Hand

Strike the Sun by Shroud Eater

In contrast to the previous track, this song is full of focused will and vitriol from the start. This is the most upbeat and fast-paced song on the record, and serves as a nice jolt of adrenaline. We switch between a few different time signatures on this one, and lyrically this definitely has a renewed sense of purpose and mission. The song closes out with a desperate mantra: “To Fail is to Die,” which leads our narrative perfectly onto the last track.

Futile Exile

Strike the Sun by Shroud Eater

This is my favorite song on the record, and holds a good amount of meaning to me. The loose story of the record comes to a gnarly conclusion, as this song is focused on the hunt for and destruction of this particular person or thing -- they are trying to escape their fate and their past, and hope in doing so person/beast that is pursuing them loses interest or fails. But there is no escape; it will be destroyed, it will be found, as the last lines ring out: “You can’t hide, I will always find you.”

Photo: STB Records

Loving Gordon Grady's album art. What's going on there? Are the figures representative of you three in any way or reflective of the album's content?

Jean: I fell in love with Grady’s art many moons ago and thought the ghostly wraiths he conjures up were a great representation of the vibe we were going for. We really didn’t know what he was going to come up with for us but I absolutely love the finished piece. The figures don’t necessarily correlate to us or the album, although several friends have joked that Jan and I are the two figures and Davin is the puppy in the middle.

Davin: The first thing he sent us ended up being perfect, so there wasn't much room for tying it into themes explored on the album. I do think the ambiguity of the two figures and dog lends to a lot of people seeing them as representative of us. Fine with me, though. I like dogs!

Film by Frank Huang

A lot has happened since the release of your album. You went on tour, is that right?

Jean: We did have a tour, we were very excited about the tour since it would be in support of the new record, and then the tour was cut short right at the mid-way mark due to a hurricane that was threatening (and indeed hit) South Florida and our homes. The tour started off pretty rockin’, with our first show at The Jinx in Savannah playing a benefit for “Friends of Statts.” It was a stacked bill that included Royal Thunder and Black Tusk, and we had a terrific time. We rolled through Winston-Salem, North Carolina at Test Pattern the next day and played with our progressively minded pals Irata, then onto Baltimore the following day to a very cool Metal Monday show with doomy friends in Corpse Light.

By this point in the tour, I should mention, I was receiving about 50 frantic text messages about Hurricane Irma and her projected path of destruction, so between driving, lugging gear, playing shows, etc., the necessity to make a decision about whether we would have to cancel the tour and drive back home was looming very heavily. Tuesday morning we watched one final weather report, and the projected path for the storm was literally a fucking bullseye over Miami. At the time, this was a major storm system with winds reaching up to 180 mph. FYI, a Category 5 hurricane is capped off with sustained winds of 150 mph. So at that point, the call was made: we would travel north to New York City, play our show at Saint Vitus, and then drive like mad back home to have time to secure provisions, prepare our homes, family, and pets for impact.

The Saint Vitus show exceeded expectations, as we played with some very cool bands like Begotten and Eternal Black, met JJ from the Obelisk, as well as Steve “the man himself” from STB Records, and saw our close friends who had moved from Florida to New York. Even though we had to drive 19 hours to get back home, we had that final rad memory to fuel us into the night/day drives.

And the happy ending: We did get home in time to secure everything, and although we all suffered some damage to our properties, we are safe, alive and finally have power back!

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[theconservativebrief]

President Donald Trump appeared at the headquarters of the Federal Emergency Management Agency Wednesday for an annual hurricane briefing, but the event had little to do with preparation for hurricanes. Trump’s remarks were especially striking for what went unmentioned: Puerto Rico’s brutal recovery from Hurricane Maria.

US presidents hold a yearly briefing with FEMA leaders to discuss how the government is preparing for the hurricane season, which this year started June 1, and the president usually gives public remarks beforehand to remind Americans to prepare too. That’s not what happened this year.

Trump spent most of his time boasting about his administration’s accomplishments and praising his Cabinet officials, who were also present.

When he did get around to talking about hurricanes, he mentioned Puerto Rico only once, lumping it in with a few other states hit by natural disasters in 2017.

There’s a good reason for the neglect. The aftermath of the Category 4 hurricane that hit the island was one of the darkest period’s of Trump’s presidency so far (which is saying something). Maria was the worst natural disaster ever to hit the island, knocking out cellphone service and electricity for months. The local and federal response was a mess, with botched FEMA contracts, a drinking water crisis, an army of federal responders stretched too thin, and long delays in approving reconstruction aid for the island.

President Trump’s response was no less atrocious. When he visited Puerto Rico two weeks after the storm, he suggested that Maria wasn’t “a real catastrophe” like Hurricane Katrina. And instead of offering condolences, he reminded Puerto Rico how much money it was costing the federal government to respond to the crisis. He even congratulated the governor for the low death count, which was 16 at the time. That number was way off.

New research from epidemiologists at Harvard suggests Hurricane Maria was the deadliest natural disaster to hit US soil in 100 years. The research, published May 29 in the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine, pegged the hurricane death toll above 4,600 — far beyond the official death count of 64. That means Maria was likely twice as deadly as Hurricane Katrina.

The hurricane briefing would have been the perfect opportunity for the president to address Puerto Rico’s struggles and the new death toll estimates, but Trump seemed determined to ignore it at all costs.

The event did mark the first press appearance of first lady Melania Trump since she was hospitalized three weeks ago for a procedure to treat a “benign kidney condition.” (She attended a gala Monday evening for Gold Star families, but it was not open to the press.) She sat silently by her husband Wednesday at the FEMA briefing — an event not usually attended by the first lady.

Melania Trump’s disappearance from public view had fueled rampant speculation about her health and whereabouts — that she might be getting plastic surgery or even cooperating with special counsel Robert Mueller.

As Vox’s Emily Stewart notes, there was no indication that Trump had health problems, and there were no leaks that any type of procedure was upcoming. More details on her condition weren’t released, and the five days she spent at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center raised some eyebrows, as the typical hospital stay for such a procedure is usually shorter.

The first lady remained out of sight after she was discharged from the hospital. She skipped a Memorial Day wreath-laying at Arlington National Cemetery, and she didn’t accompany the president to Camp David last weekend.

The rumors about her whereabouts continued, even after Trump assured the public on social media that everything was just fine.

I see the media is working overtime speculating where I am & what I’m doing. Rest assured, I’m here at the @WhiteHouse w my family, feeling great, & working hard on behalf of children & the American people!

— Melania Trump (@FLOTUS) May 30, 2018

Trump’s unexpected appearance at the FEMA briefing may have an attempt to put an end to the stories.

“She went through a rough patch, but she’s doing great and we’re very proud of her. She’s done a fantastic job as a first lady. The people of our country love you,” the president said, awkwardly reaching out to grab her hand several times.

President Trump didn’t want to talk about hurricanes at FEMA. He wanted to talk about all the great things his administration has done.

He spent more than half of his 17-minute remarks thanking each Cabinet member individually for their accomplishments.

That included effusive praise of Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, who Trump said is “working hard on those taxes and keeping the taxes down. … We passed the greatest tax cut in the history of our country, and lots of other things.”

And he commended Kirstjen Nielsen, head of the Department of Homeland Security, for doing great things on the border. “The border is coming along. And the wall is going up. We have $1.6 billion being spent on phase one of the wall, and we’ll get additional funding. And every week that goes by, people realize it more and more that we have to have the wall.”

He joked about how Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke is “the largest landlord in the world” and complimented Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao for being “so effective and so incredible.”

When he did bring up hurricanes, it was to tell the public that the federal government did everything right in its hurricane response last year — and that we should expect the same type of response this year. “We are marshaling every available resource to ensure maximum preparation for rapid response. That’s what we had last year. Disaster response and recovery is best achieved when it’s federally supported, state-managed, and locally executed,” he said.

Trump did not mention that his administration sent few emergency responders to Puerto Rico before the storm, or the delay in sending the Navy medical ship USS Comfort, or how FEMA hired completely inexperienced contractors to handle food and water supplies for hurricane victims.

Trump did mention Puerto Rico, once.

“Families in Texas and Louisiana, the US Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, Florida, South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi — they were all affected. Hard to believe. And on tribal lands, where the hit was catastrophic, and the storms were really historic in their severity,” he said.

Even in his private meeting with FEMA leaders that was closed to the press, Trump avoided talking about hurricanes, according to the Washington Post’s Josh Dawsey:

President Trump had a lot else on his mind, turning the closed-door discussion into soliloquies on his prowess in negotiating airplane deals, his popularity, the effectiveness of his political endorsements, the Republican Party’s fortunes, the vagaries of Defense Department purchasing guidelines, his dislike of magnetized launch equipment on aircraft carriers, his unending love of coal and his breezy optimism about his planned Singapore summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un.

This was the time Trump was supposed to press FEMA about what the agency can do to better prepare for another deadly disaster like Hurricane Maria.

But he didn’t. And it’s a crisis he’s gotten very good at ignoring.

Original Source -> Trump’s hurricane briefing at FEMA covered a lot of topics. Puerto Rico wasn’t one of them.

via The Conservative Brief