#I literally wrote this at like 2am so yea

[vanillafrog]

Everything

Pairing: Javier Peña/You (F Reader)

Summary: Under that seemingly impenetrable shell was a soft man who just needed to be loved. Whether or not he would allow himself to be loved was a whole other thing.

Word Count: 2,330

Warnings: Angst, Fluff and Smut (aka the unholy trinity), Unprotected Sex (wrap your tool, ya fools), I said let Javi be soft, Creampie, Rough? Sex, Smidgen of dirty talk, F receiving Oral Sex

A/N: The homies read it first and live on voice chat right after I wrote this. Also, at this point in time, I've seen exactly 1 (one) episode of Narcos and Javi for like a minute lol.

Javier Peña was an asshole. Everyone who ever met the man could easily tell as much. Yet you knew that Javier was truly a soft man under all that armor. It was obvious in the way his eyes scanned over the crime scenes left over. How they lingered on the civilian casualties for a moment longer than the others. You could see his softness in his vices. The vices he chose to control his feelings.

Javier Peña was an asshole of a man but he was soft. It was that softness that killed you just as much as it killed him. That softness made you want to protect him. Made you want to hold him even though you already knew that would never happen. Not because you thought he wouldn’t find you attractive enough to take to bed. You knew you were more than attractive enough. It was just the fact that Javier would never allow himself a moment of gentleness.

So the crush you had on your coworker was pushed as far back as your head would allow it and continued trucking on catching narcos.

Things changed slowly along with the seasons. You didn’t even notice it at first. It’s not like you knew how Javier was with people he cared for.

First, it was the touches. They began after the first blood bath you saw together. Truthfully you weren’t that phased. It was something that happened and from your past job, you were practically numb to warm corpses. Javier wasn’t. Even after being in the field longer than you had. You had noticed the way his eyes flashed with hurt and you couldn’t help but reach out and rub his arm.

He had flinched at the spontaneous touch. You threw your hands up to show you weren’t trying to hurt him. He had stared you down for a good while before continuing on with his job. That interaction was never discussed. Instead, in passing, Javier’s hand would slide across your lower back when passing you. When you had to pass folders to each other, his fingers would brush yours and send a wave of heat through you.

Soon Javier started to talk to you more. It wasn’t like he was particularly mute whenever you were around. He just didn’t talk about anything other than work with you. So Javier starting to open up and have random conversations about old childhood stories or what it was like when you were a cop, you chalked it up as him starting to see you as a partner. Steve had made a joke to you about Javier having a crush on you but you just shrugged that off.

Even with limited knowledge on the inner workings of Javier’s mind, you knew for a fact that Javier didn’t do feelings. Everyone in the office knew of Javier’s flings with prostitutes and lack of commitment. It wasn’t a secret. Javier seeking conversation was just him seeing you as a trusted partner. Maybe a friend if you really wanted to stretch it.

It began clear to you that Steve might be right and that Javier might want you to hold him like how you wanted on a disgustingly hot day. The raid that was planned out ended up being an ambush. There were lots of injuries and casualties left over.

Steve had gotten shot. Nothing fatal but shot nonetheless. When Steve was sent away to the hospital, Javier was hovering over you. He kept asking if you were okay. If you were sure you were okay. That maybe you should let a paramedic take a look at you. It was incredibly endearing but extraordinarily annoying and out of character.

Javier had followed you back to your apartment and came in under the disguise of making sure you don’t randomly keel over. In your apartment, Javier wandered the living room. He looked at the pictures of friends and families you had set out along with a bunch of knickknacks you had collected over the years. He lingered over one. It was an old thing your mother had found for you years ago in a garage sale. You weren’t sure of what it was exactly but it looked like a jumble of gemstones forged together. Javier picked it up, rotating it around in his hand before turning to look at you. He held it out to you with a question.

“What is this supposed to be?” His eyebrow was raised and he looked slightly amused even though some darkness lingered in his eyes. You grabbed it from his hand and placed it back in its spot, not realizing how close you two were until you looked up at him.

“No idea.” His eyes roamed over your face. He seemed to be taking in every detail as if he would never see it again. His large hand gently caressed your cheek. You closed your eyes and leaned into his touch, completely missing the look of surprise and adoration that flashed across Javier’s face.

When you opened your eyes again, his face was much closer to yours. He searched your eyes for another refusal but when you nodded, he sealed your lips together.

There were few times in your life when you have been kissed in a way that had left your breathless. Those few times were make out sessions where you were clawing at each other to get naked. This wasn’t that. This kiss was gentle. It was sweet and warm. It was everything that felt like home and the sun and all things that you missed from the states. Yet the gentleness knocked the breath out of you. You never expected Javier to do anything so sweet. It wasn’t until Javier pulled away and rubbed at your cheek that you realized you had started to cry.

With a sniffle, you pulled Javier into a hug. At first he tensed but slowly melted into your embrace. His arms snaked around you and pulled you closely to him. He nuzzled his face into your neck. For a few moments, maybe hours, you held each other. The only thing you could hear was your synchronized breathing. It was so calm compared to your chaotic lives. You didn’t want to pull away but you knew this couldn’t be forever. Slowly, you peeled yourself from Javier, putting some feet between you so you can think properly. He seemed nervous all of a sudden.

“As you can see,” you broke the silence. “I’m more then okay so you don’t have to stay for me.”

Javier was silent for a moment before he looked out your window and thought. You studied his profile while he did. Everyone with eyes could tell that Javier is a beautiful man. Gorgeous brown eyes that were soul-grazing. Pouty lips framed with a thick mustache. An amazing nose that you dreamt about skimming your skin late at night.

“What if I’m not okay?” He spoke slowly as he turned back to you. It was obvious he was unsure of himself. Never in his life had he admitted to not being okay. He never did it to himself, much less anyone else. This was the moment you realized that Steve was right.

With a soft smile, you responded to him. “What could I do to make you feel better?” Javier shifted foot to foot before slowly crowding back into your space.

“Can I kiss you?”

“And how would kissing me help you?” He inhaled and responded in a breath.

“You’re soul healing.” Truthfully, you had no idea what that meant but it tore something in you. This was a man covered in bullet proof armor stripping himself to the bare minimum in front of you. He was slowing you his hand and hoping you would grab it rather than push him away. And how could you ever push him aside? This beautifully vulnerable man who also happens to be the toughest and strongest man you ever met. How could you ever deny him anything?

Placing your hands on his shoulders and leaning up on your toes, you pecked his lips. Javier tensed before placing his hands respectfully in your hips and pulling you closer for a real kiss. It was just as soothing as the other. You pushed your hand into his hair to pull him closer to you and the temperature changed. What was once mellow and calm began an inferno. His arms moved to wrap around you completely, one hand settling into your lower back and the other grabbing the back of your neck to angle you how he wanted.

The kiss became more frantic and you could feel the butterflies in your stomach turn into a feeding frenzy. Javier pushed you into the wall behind you. He ground his hips into yours and you could feel his arousal. His hand pushed up into the front of your shirt to skim the skin of your stomach. A moan escaped your mouth, being swallowed by Javier. He pulled away, breathing just as heavy as you.

“I should go.” You never sobered up so fast before.

“Why?” Your voice was slightly raspy and a little whiny.

“I don’t want you to think I’m using you.” Javier frowned slightly. Oh this sweet, soft man.

“Javi...” You placed both your hands in either side of his face. “Fuck me now and afterwards we can cuddle and relax.”

Javier practically growled before pouncing on you. He picked you, forcing you to wrap your legs around his waist as he carried you to your bedroom. Later you would have to ask him how he knew where your room was. In a flurry, you both were undressed and Javier was kneeling at the edge of your bed with your legs over his shoulders.

“Fuck, mi alma, you’re so wet for me.” He licked up your slit causing you to moan and arch your back. His hands tightened on your thighs with a growl. Without hesitation, Javier started eating you out like a man starved. He stuck his tongue into you, curling it up to make you buck up. Thrusting it, he moved his hand around your hips to rub tight circles around your clit. You started grinding down on his hand. Your hands were pulled at his brown locks as you chased your release.

He pulled away long enough to say, “Fucking cum on my face,” before going back to fuck you with his mouth. His command was enough to push you over the edge. Your back arched up as your grinding stuttered and you groaned loudly. Blood rushed in your ears and you barely processed Javier continuing to eat you out until you fell back to earth and had to push his head away due to over sensitivity. Javier kissed up your body before devouring your lips. The taste of yourself on his lips reignited the flame in you.

“Please Javi,” you whined out. Javier shushed you before reaching down and grasping his cock to run along your soaked folds. “Please fuck me, Javi.”

With a kiss to your forehead, he pushed in. Your mouth feel open in a silent moan as he slowly stretched you out. Once his hips met yours, he groaned and stilled. His eyes were closed while he dropped his forehead to rest on yours. You rocked your hips up, “please move.”

Javier growled before he pulled out, allowing you to feel every inch of his cock before he pushed back in fast and hard. You cried out, raking your nails down his back. He set a pace that absolutely destroyed you. His strokes were long and curled up perfectly allowing him to hit your g spot and cervix at the same time.

“You are so perfect for me.” His nose slide across yours and down your cheek. “You were made for me. Mi alma, mi luz del sol.” He bit down on your jaw. “I can feel how close you are.” Your walls were fluttering around his cock. He moved his hand in between your joint bodies. “Cum for me.”

His fingers swiped your clit as his pace picked up just enough that you fell over the edge instantly. You were pretty sure you screamed his name but you were too floaty from your orgasm to notice or care. His thrusts turned sloppy.

“Fuck fuck I’m so close,” Javier moaned out.

“Cum in me please.” Just as he did to you, he throbbed inside you at your command. His cum coated your walls as he continued to thrust inside you, making sure to get it as deep as possible. Eventually he slowed to a stop and dropped some of his weight onto you. You ran your hands along his spine to ground him as you savored the peaceful moment. When Javier was back, he wrapped his arm around your back and rolled over. You laid on his chest as his softening cock stayed inside.

“You’re everything,” Javier whispered into the night. “Not just a one night stand?” You didn’t mean to sound self conscious but sex, good sex at that, broke open your emotional walls and left you vulnerable.

“I haven’t had a one night stand since I met you.” Your head snapped up to look at him bewildered. He chuckled in a way that could only be described as insecure. “I know, surprising.”

“How come?” Your fingers played with the curls at the base of his neck.

“I knew the moment you touched me for the first time, there would never be anyone else.” You smiled up at him before pecking his lips and placing your head back on his chest to hear his heart beat.

Javier Peña was an asshole. He wore his walls high and his armor impenetrable. Yet, he laid exposed under you showing you all the softness you knew existed in him. He called you his sunshine, his soul without ever realizing that he was just as much your life as you are his.  

[writtenwhalien]

ok prepare yourself, this is gonna be a long one.

can we talk abt how you went and wrote a whole ass masterpiece with ‘believe it’???!! where do i even start? i literally found this at like 2am and it took me 2hrs to finish it because of how much i was literally SAVORING EACH PART OF IT. the attention to detail and backstory was fucking IMMACULATE. LORD. i could scream abt this fic for days. let me just say it’s been a HOT minute since ive read a good ass jimin fic. for some reason, there’s been such a shortage of jimin fics and even if i find them they’re not intricate, amazing stories like this. BUT HUNNYYY THIS ONE RIGHT HERE??!?!!?!! it gave me EXACTLY what i so desperately needed. it was everything i love in a fic. it got me invested in the story, the angst had my stomach in a twist, and. the fluff. oh god the the fluff and the resolution had my uterus screaming and my stomach in gymnastics doing flips and tricks like it was preparing for the olympics or some shit. i cant even count how many times i had to put my phone down to either recap my feelings with myself, to take a deep breath or just to scream into my pillow w joy. you know how bangtan made a song about kicking your blanket in excitement? this fic was that feeling. it was literally so sweet, i loved it so much it’s safe to say it’s in my top 5 jimin fics already. i just. you literally deserve all the praise in the world. holy shit. thank you for this i hope you go to sleep knowing you just did THAT. you really just did all that with your writing. yea. now while you sink that in, i really hope you have a great day love, you deserve it.

I just wanna say a big ducking THANK YOU to you, you’re an angel bc you’ve literally made my entire week with this ask…

I’m so so so happy you enjoyed believe it as much as I enjoyed writing it 🥺❤️ super honoured that you stayed up that late for me and actually liked the story 😩 I did try as hard as I could to make it intricate considering I had a short deadline so I’m happy yoh thought that, and PLS IT MAKES ME SO GLAD TO KNOW YOU WERE SCREAMING INTO UR PILLOW 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 I love that feeling so to know my fic did that..

and yeah honestly, the smut had me feeling a lil 😰😰😰😰 too , but how could I not write a sexy scene with red haired jimin? 😍😍

ahhh this has honestly made me so happy, thank you for the praise and for sending this, HAVE THE BEST DAY!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[cinnaminsvga]

any college au recommendations that contains hella fluff? 🥺

oh dip!! i honestly haven’t been reading much fics that often these days… which is SAD because!! literally what have i been doing!! i’ve been spending my days just #losing my #mind but i mean!! here’s some stuff that i’ve read in the past i guess… it’s not a complete list by a long shot, so go over to @milkysvga​ for more stuff that i’ve read before!! (also im sorry to everyone who reads this rec list im literally on the midst of a mental breakdown bc of oversleeping but ye kno!! at least i washed my hands LMAOOOO)

fox rain by @jincherie​ & me - LOL sorry for recommending my own fic… i mean!! you asked for a college au then don’t you want a college au that’s like… 70K words and counting? yea rha and i are insane but we love this fic to bits and if you’re into secret love letters and college shenanigans… this is for you >:D

of lace and lust by @hobidreams - miss rain… MISS RAIN… who the fuck hasn’t read this wtf… i think this is the first thing i ever read from her masterlist ngl LOL also i just REALLY REALLY like childhood friends to lovers trope… it’s like, SUCH a good trope… miss rain is so epic and i love her pls also read her mothman fic it’s super great (disclaimer: it’s not actually about mothman unfortunately… it’s called matters of the heart but i call it mothman bc i like being a shithead bc rain loves me anyway

break the ice by @minflix​ - can i call this a cult classic… i’m gonna call it that idgaf LMAOOO i remember when elle first posted this on her old blog and i was legit like, one of the first people who reboobed it before i even read it bc i knew it was gonna be gr8… anyway do u like hockey? no? well who give a shit the world is a fuck and jikook fuck you ain’t that what life’s all about???

mission impossible by @hobiwonder - maria… she’s insane but i love her also she loves sub!kook and idk about you but that makes her a REAL homie… i know anon asked for fluff but this is crack smut and i had to rec her or else i feel like i physically might be committing a sin so here we are. here we ARE. can you tell im unhinged

kiss it better by @jincherie​ - hey can u tell im biased towards my friends… well, im SORRY but i have to rec this one by rha too because i literally paid her to write this so… you can’t kill me also jungkook is so CUTE HERE I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!! he wears a skirt and thats really important to me okay end scene

miss dial by @versigny - okay another cult classic omg i love kappy SO MUCH… WHEN WILL SHE RETURN FROM THE WAR… okay in all seriousness this fic was one of the first things i ever READ when i joined tumblr… it’s so good… it’s so dirty but so SWEET like you can tell yoongi is just a fucking sweetheart and i’m seconds away from eating that fool don’t touch me don’t look at me don’t even think of me i’m gonna photosynthesize

voice mail by @joonary​ - i only recently read this and NARY!!!!! i’ll kill her she makes seokjin so fucking [dialtone noises] idk can you tell i’m losing my mind rn? it’s 2am but ANYWAY… seokjin is like [dialtone noises] and then y/n is also [dialtone noises] and that’s the tea…………..

i’m in love with you, sorry by @guksheart - there are literally no words…… NO WORDS…… if computer screens allowed me to jump dimensions across time and space, cait would be a fucking pancake… f2l shitheads unite… this is our national anthem… look at yoongi. look at him. LOOK AT HIM!!!!!!! HE HAS FEELINGS AND HES MAKING MY HEART GO POOPOOPEEPEE am i making sense. hello. is this mic on?????? anyway i love the way cait wrote yoobie thats it thats the post

okay… thats it… if you want mxm ficrecs you can go to my bookmarks page here on my ao3… but on the top of my head (not linking them bc im lazy im SORRY), i can recommend beta tau sigma by bazooka, anything by fruitily (aka yoonkookers messiah), years since you’ve been here by ameliabedelias (tbh anything by them also… they are so Good), and you are my bravest everything by 777335

[avosloved]

i haven’t done anything over here today so its time for little hc drops:

❅  odette absolutely brought her cat, gingersnap to the academy with her. she wasn’t going to be parted with him for all that time are you kidding? so yea, she absolutely smuggled the furry lil’ critter in. ❅  she’s not the most ticklish person, though her spine/neck are all one big hot spot. ❅  i know i wrote it down somewhere once before, but...she has cute lil’ dimples. ❅  she’s a complete night owl and a poor morning riser. ❅  her favorite flowers are bleeding hearts and baby’s breath. ❅  she loves...children with her whole heart...catch her playing with orphans/visiting children around the monastery a lot, tbh. ❅  she does have a decently faded scared in the crook of her left blow. kinda was inflicted by her dad when he lost his temper while dragging her home after an attempt to run away from home. when not wearing something long sleeved, she absolutely typically keeps it covered with makeup. ❅  wears either frilly as fuck pjs or short night gowns to bed ❅  never forget that her hair before the timeskip runs literally down to her butt. postskip however, she’s cut it back to around mid-back length. ❅  do i really need to remind you guys the girl keeps a knife as well as a few other weapons kept on her person at all times?? ❅  she actually did ballet for a while as a kid, and still does on occasion. just...when no one is around to watch. ❅  she studies more than most people think she does, honestly. she’s just the cryptid studying in the library at like 2am, that’s all. ❅  she’s a tapper. she’ll tap her nails on any surface possible when she’s annoyed or bored. ❅  doesn’t put her hair up too often because...well...she had a bad experience where the ribbon that was tied into her hair got badly tangled/stuck in there and her mother had to cut all of her hair off. it was short as hell and she hated it. so she’s kinda been scared of putting it up often ever since. ❅  falls out of bed a lot, tbh.

[8bitmickey]

I’ve stumbled across the single greatest review of an apartment complex I've ever read...

It is quite literally a wall of text so you can read it all after the cut. 

BEWARE!BEWARE! IF YOU LOVE YOUR KIDS!!!!!!!! AND YOURSELF!!!!!! KEEP LOOKING CAUSE THIS PLACE IS DANGEROUS!!!!!!!!!.IF YOU DONT WANT YOUR KIDS AROUND DRUGS N VIOLENCE dont MOVE HERE!!! TENANT FROM APT 1131 I JUST MOVED OUT OF FALCON RIDGE JULY 31 2012 AND IM GLAD I DID...THANK YOU GOD!!! I MOVED IN MY APARTMENT FEB 7, 2012 AND I SIGNED A 6 MONTH LEASE. WE ARE NEW TO TEXAS SO WE WERENT FAMILIAR WITH THE LOCATION OR ANYTHING WE JUST STARTED LOOKING AT APTS THAT WERE IN GOOD DISTANCE OF OUR JOB. THE OFFICE STAFF WERE NICE "BEFORE" I SIGNED THE LEASE. WHEN WE FINALLY MOVED IT I WAS THE FIRST TO ARRIVE BECAUSE I PICKED UP THE KEYS THE DAY OF MOVE IN WHILE MY HUSBAND DIRECTED THE MOVING TRUCK TO OUR NEW HOME. I WALKED IN AND A "ROACH" FELL FROM THE CEILING I STARTED SCREAMING LIKE CRAZY BECAUSE IM DEADLY AFRAID OF BUGS IM CALLING MY HUSBAND PANICING LIKE BABY PLEASE HURRY AND GET HERE. HE GO THERE AND I RE-ENTERED THE APT WITH HIM HE KILLED THE ROACH THAT FELL FROM THE LIVING ROOM CEILING. SO WE SLOWLY WALKED THROUGH THE HOUSE IM LOOKING UP AT THE CEILING AND HE'S LOOKING AT THE FLOOR. AS WE APPROACH THE KITCHEN I SPOTTED ANOTHER ROACH CRAWLING UPSIDE DOWN ON THE KITCHEN CEILING I SCREAMED THERE GO ANOTHER ONE BABY GET IT GET IT.. HE PICKED UP THE COPY OF THE LEASE PAPER I HAD JUST PICKED UP FROM THE FRONT OFFICE AND KNOCKED IT DOWN IT FELL ON THE COUNTER N HE SMASHED IT WITH THE PAPER. AS WE SLOWLY WALKED AROUND THERE WAS ABOUT 10 JUICY DEAD ROACHES ON THE FLOOR AND A LOT OF BABY ROACHES THEY LOOK LIKE SPRINKLES OF BLACK PEPPER IN THE SINK THE MOTHER HAD JUST LAID HER EGG IT WAS LIKE 60 BABYS I TOOK OFF RUNNING OUT THE APT I COULDNT TAKE IT ANYMORE I WAS OUTSIDE STALLING THE MOVIES TELLING THEM TO WAIT BEFORE THEY PROCEEDED TO BRING OUR BELONGINGS IN.MY HUSBAND FLUSHED THE BABY ROACHES DOWN THE DRAIN AND SWEP THE BIG DEAD WAS OUT THE BACK DOOR WITH THE LEASE PAPER.WE WALKED IN THE MAIN BATHROOM AND THERE WERE ROACHES IN THE BATH TUB AND IN THE HALF BATH WE OPEN THE PLACE WHERE THE HOT WATER HEATER IS AND AND WAS A BILLION IN THERE...I STARTED CRYING...I COULD GO ON AND ON ABOUT THESE ROACHES BUT IM GETTING UPSET JUST THINKING ABOUT WHAT I WENT THROUGH ON MY FIRST MOVE IN DAY. THIS WAS ME AND MY HUSBANDS FIRST APT TOGETHER WE ARE YOUNG AND WE WERE SO EXCITED TO FINALLY TO FIND A HOME TO CALL OURS. I WAS READY TO RUN BACK HOME TO MY MOMMY..THERE WAS SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH THE APT THE KITCHEN LIGHT FLICKERED SOME OF THE SOCKETS DIDNT WORK THE CABINETS IN THE BATHROOM AND THE WHOLE COUNTER IN THE BATHROOM LOOK LIKE IT WAS MADE FROM DRESSERS THEY HAVE TERMITE DAMAGE THEIR WERE WEAK SPOTS IN THE FLOOR THE AIR IN THE APT NEVER GOT COLD ENOUGH ANYWHERE NOT EVEN IN SMALL CONFINED AREAS LIKE THE SMALL BATHROOMS YOU'LL BE SITTING ON THE TOILET SWEATING THOSE BLACK SCREENS ON THE WINDOW ARE SO IRRELEVENT THERE WERE HUGE WASP NEST OUTSIDE THE DOORS IT WAS SO DEVASTATING. I WROTE DOWN EVERY THING I COULD THINK OF THAT WAS WRONG WITH THE APT. I EVEN BROUGHT THE LEASE PAPER THAT MY HUSBAND SMASHED THE ROACH WITH THE ROACH WAS STILL ON IT I TOOK IT DOWN TO THE FRONT OFFICE AND SHOWED THEM THAT THIS IS PROOF THAT THERE'S A PROBLEM I ASKED THAT THEY MAKE COPIES OF THE PAPER WITH THE ROACH ON IT SO THEY CAN KEEP IT FOR THEIR RECORDS. I REQUESTED IMMEDIATE ATTENTION TO THE ROACHES AND THE WASP NEST..I NEVER LIVED WITH ROACHES AND WASP DWELL IN AN AREA WHERE THEY'RE ALLOWED TO.. THEY TOLD ME THEY WOULD PUT ME ON THE LIST TO GET SPRAYED WHEN THE BUG LADY COME OUT LATER THAT WEEK THEY ALSO SAID THAT THEY WOULD SEND ONE OF THERE MAINTENANCE GUYS OUT IMMEDIATELY TO KNOCK DOWN THE WASP NEST. LATER THAT EVENING I WAS LEAVING OUT MY FRONT DOOR AND I NOTICED THE WASP NEST ON THE STAIRS AND THERE WAS LIKE 3 WASP ON IT I COULDNT PASS THE WASP SO I HAD TO GO BACK INSIDE AND LEAVE OUT MY BACK DOOR TO PREVENT GETTING STUNG BY THE WASP. IT WAS A TOTAL NIGHTMARE. I CONTACTED THE OFFICE THE NEXT MORNING AND THEY HAD ONE OF THE GUYS COME KNOCK IT OFF MY PORCH WHICH TOOK THEM HALF A DAY. TIME PASSED AND ANOTHER APPEARED IN THE SAME SPOT THIS TIME I WENT DOWN AND REQUESTED FOR THEM TO SPRAY AND KNOCK DOWN THE NEST THE GUY CAME AND SPRAYED I OPENED THE DOOR AND THE NEST WAS STILL THERE I CALLED THE OFFICE AND SAID WHY DIDNT HE KNOCK THE NEST DOWN HE SAYS WELL I SPRAYED IT I SAID NO SWEETY THEY CAN STILL COME BACK I NEED IT KNOCKED DOWN..SO HE CAME AND CALLED HISSELF KNOCKING IT DOWN AND IT WAS HALFWAY STILL UP THERE HANGING. I CALLED AGAIN AND SAID CAN YOU SEND HIM BACK HE DIDNT COMPLETE HIS JOB THEY GOT UPSET OF COURSE HE CAME BACK LOOKING AT ME LIKE LADY I SHOULD KILL YOU..THE LADY GABBY IS A TOTAL CHARACTER ..YEA THE ONE THAT ANSWERS THE PHONE "THANK YOU FOR CHOOSEING FALCON RIDGE APTS THIS IS GABBY SPEAKING HOW MAY I HELP YOU" PLEASE GET ANOTHER LINE. AFTER SHE FIGURES OUT THAT YOUR'RE A RESIDENT ALREADY THAT VOICE CHANGES TO WHAT YOU WANT WHAT DO YOU NEED.THE OLD LADY LYNN IS A TOTAL NUTCASE SHE SMOKES DOPE LITERALLY...ALL IN ALL IF YOU LIEK THE GHETTO LIFESTYLE THIS WOULD BE THE IDEAL PLACE THEY HAVE ALOT OF DRUG AND GANG ACTIVITY IN THIS APT COMPLEX DONT LET THE GREEN GRASS AND FLOWER BEDS FOOL YOU THE POOLS ARE NEVER OPEN BUT DONT GET ME WRONG THEY CLEAN THEY REGULARLY BUT THE NEVER OPEN THEM BUT THE HOOD KIDS AND THERE FOLKS JUMP THE GATE AND STILL SWIM. ALSO WE RECIEVED A LETTER ON OUR DOOR STATEING THAT THEIR HAS BEEN NUMOROUS OF ROBBERIES IN OUR APARTMENT COMPLEX AND THE SUSPECTS ARE TWO YOUNG BLACK GUYS BETWEEN THE AGES OF 20-30 THE ROBBERIES MOSTLY HAPPEN BETWEEN 10PM-2AM SO PLEASE TRY TO STAY INDOORS DURING THESE HOURS IF POSSIBLE OR HAVE SOMEONE escort YOU INTO YOUR APT OR IF YOU DONT HAVE ANYONE CALL THE PATROL UNIT. I SAID WHAT TYPR OF ---- IS THIS I NEVER HEARD OF NO CRAP LIKE THIS I GET OFF WORK AT 10PM MAKE IT HOME AT 11PM AND MY HUSBAND HAS TO LEave FOR WORK WHEN I ARRIVE HOME AT 12AM..O DID I LEAVE OUT THEY ROB DURING THE DAY SO EVEN IF YOU STILL WANT TO COME VIEW THE COMMUNITY DURING THE DAY BRING A PISTOL CAUSE THEY MIGHT RUN UP ON YOU WHILE YOUR'RE WALKING IN THE OFFICE..THE SUSPECTS WERE CONSIDERED ARMED AND DANGEROUS.. DAYS LATER AFTER WE RECIEVED THE LETTER MY CAR WE BROKEN INTO THE DESTROED EVERYTHING THEY MUST GOT ANGRY CAUSE THEY COULDNT FIND ANYTHING AND JUST WENT CRAZY IN MY CAR I WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING TO FIND MY CAR DOOR WIDE OPEN GLOVE COMPARMENT OPEN AND MY CAR PAPERS AND EVERYTHING THROWN EVERYWHERE TAKE NOTE IT WAS MY RENTAL CAR A 2011 DODGE AVENGER IF IT HAD ACTUALLY BEEN MY CAR THEY MIGHTVE WOULDNT GOT SOMETHING. SO I CALLED THE COPS TO REPORT THE INCIDENT MEANWHILE A LADY WAS WALKING OUT HER APARTMENT AND WALKED TO HER CAR THAT WAS PARKED BEHIND MINES AND SHE WAS GETTING READY TO PUT HER LIL BOY IN THE CAR AND SHE BURST OUT SCREAMING I JUMPED LOOKING BACK LIKE WHAT THE HELL GOING ON SHE SCREAMING THEY TOOK EVERYTHING THATS WHEN I LOOKED CLOSELY AT HER CAR AND WHERE SHE WAS PARKED WHICH WAS IN THE VISITORS SO THAT MEAN SHE WAS A GUEST OF SOMEONE AND SHE HAD A RENTAL CAR AND HER LICENSE PLATES READ NEW YORK SO SHE WAS HERE VISITING HER PEOPLE AND HER CAR GOT BROKE INTO. I WENT OVER TO INFORM HER THAT THE COPS WERE ON THEIR WAY AND ASKED HER WHAT THEY TAKE SHE SAID HER GPS THAT SHE RENTED TO GET DOWN HERE TO TEXAS HER LAPTOP AND HER SON HAD A PORTABLE DVD PLAYER SHE BOUGHT FOR HIM FOR THE ROAD TRIP.. I WANTED TO CRY NOT ONLY WAS SHE GOING TO HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING BACK HOME FROM TEXAS TO NEW YORK BUT SHE WAS GOING TO HAVE A HARD TIME WITH THE BABY THAT LONG DRIVE CAUSE HE HAS NO ENTERTAINMENT. THE COPS CAME WROTE A REPORT AND TOLD US TO BE CAREFUL AND SORRY FOR THE MISHAP THEY OING THEIR BEST TO FIND THE GUYS I SAID HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE THEY ARE HERE DURINF THE NIGHT BUT THE POLICE NOT HERE DURING THE NIGHT SO WHERE YOU GONE FIND THEM AT AT YOUR HOUSE??I FELT SO UNSAFE AFTER THIS MY HUSBAND WAS SO SCARED TO LEAVE ME AT HOME AND BY THIS TIME I WAS 3 MONTHS PREGNANT.WE STARTED A COUNTDOWN TO JULY 31ST..THANK GOD HE PROTECTED US FROM THESE MONSTERS.

[uniformbravo]

so

today was my special oc day, right, may 16th and everything, and i have that whole yearly silan portrait deal going on

except this could not be a more academically inconvenient time for may 16th to happen lmao i have like a thousand school things going on and any reasonable person would be like “well guess i’ll just have to postpone the festivities in the interest of prioritizing my schoolwork” but Fuck it am i Right

art project that im around 70% done with due tomorrow

museum paper i’ve barely started planning for due thursday

history essay i half-read the prompt for also due thursday

apparently registration for next semester started this week, they don’t usually do it this early & it’s fucking me up

my art teacher approached me about some student art show they’re having on campus asking if i wanted to submit anything & i said i’ll think about it; that deadline is sometime during this week, no idea which day, can’t be bothered to check (could’ve been today tbh)

literally Everything is happening this week and i absolutely should be devoting every waking moment to trying to keep up with it all but instead i went “nope i’m taking the day off it’s Silan Day i need to draw my son” (tho to be fair i did spend the 2 hours between classes today working on the art project so that’s something at least)

also yea um just the fact that i even had classes today?? i’m kind of baffled that this is the first time this has happened tbh bc i started this yearly portrait-drawing tradition in 2014 and i’ve been in school all that time so why don’t i remember being this busy all those other times, i literally lost half of my day today attending class and didn’t start on the actual drawing until like 4 pm (it’s supposed to be like an all-day thing)

aaaanyway i did not manage to finish the portrait today (i wasn’t expecting to) but i got a good start on it and i like where it’s going, enough to be interested in picking it up again later so that’s good?? i’m gonna be semi-responsible and spend the next 2-3 days getting all my schoolwork done lol

because ok i’m not 100% irresponsible alright!! i know i made it seem that way but i didn’t just carelessly throw all my homework out the window so i could draw my ocs all day, i knew beforehand that this week was going to be a shit show! my Actual Plan was to get all or at least the majority of these assignments done over this past weekend, but it turned out to be a Big depression weekend and i couldn’t even bring myself to Think about homework, not even the art hw, so the only thing i managed to finish was this little reading response for art history, which i only did yesterday after the weekend was technically over

so yea h idk my plans kind of fell through bc of that disaster, but i still consider today’s actions justified ok:

since im getting p close to finishing the art project i can probably just finish it in class tomorrow & it’ll be fine, like it’s due at the beginning of class but i’m sure if i give it in before i leave it’ll count

i will devote literally all of tomorrow to completing the museum paper, i wrote another one exactly like it last semester for the same teacher so i know exactly what to do and it should be fairly easy I Got This

history teacher is extremely lenient with late work, last essay i busted my ass to get it done in time and then the next day he was like “ya if u don’t have it today just get it to me whenever u can it’s fine” so i will pray 2 the Lord that he says those same exact words thursday morning and i will have all weekend to write the fuckening thing (*also prays that The Depression won’t foil my plans this time*)

and then registration & the art show are fuckin Whatever, super far down on my priority list i Guess (aka no capacity 2 deal with more things rn lol!)

after all those things are handled i will finally let myself get back to the silan portrait, my son, my charming boy, im so proud of him, tearing apart my life in this crucial time to give him life what a treasure

anyway it’s 2am goodnight

[reginasrandomthoughts]

The Bloody Chamber (short story) rambling analysis

TBH, I am posting it only bc I said I would. But boy, it is long. I am totally sure that I changed tone and style at least twice and that I left out some words here and there (I am not reading through all 8300 words at 2am. or ever) And this wasn’t even a school essay... it was meant to be fun.... *cries in the corner*

Enter at your own risk! Also, this is exactly as it was in my goodreads progress update feed bc I wrote it there, bc... I thought it would be shorter?

Oh, boy, where do I start the ramble fest so I would get some use out of it pre-exam? (yes, this is purely for me, and if a poor soul who is not me by accident reads it, please forgive me for not taking you into consideration) That being the preface, let me start.

First thing first, this is obviously a fairytale reimagining, and of the fairy tale Bluebeard. Love that one and loved how it even name dropped it on

pretty much the last page of the story. That was both a polite and bold move and I respect it. The fact that this text is based on that is very obvious and i would go as far as to say that The Bloody Chamber depends on the reader to know the story of Bluebeard before reading it, as, as the story says "Anticipation is the greater part of pleasure," (p15) and this way we can anticipate what is going to come and we understand the context of the story, where it is different, a bit more. It also gives the story a great deal of liberty as now it can gloss over some portions, such as the girl trying the many keys first, her taking her time exploring the castle and trying to behave and her falling for the other guy. These are elements that can be left out or done with shortly because we already know the story, know what is coming and thus do not need it and leaving them out can make the story shorter and keep the flow intact. I truly think that any longer than this, any more details than this and the story would probably have collapsed a bit. This is not the fairy tale style that you can tell near a fire, it banks on building up tension and anticipation so much that it needed to get to the climax quickly or else the tension would have broken on its own and would have killed the story.

Now, I have cited the flow of the story, and so let us talk about it. But first, let me drop it in: retelling Blue Beard as the erotic horror story that it always had the potential of being is amazing. A+ idea, 10/10 would reread again.

Now as for the technical part of the story, I truly admire how tightly crafted it is, the interconnectedness of it, where there are no truly wasted words as the similar words and expressions come back so often that they can just build up this truly sensuous image. There are words like voluptuous and sinuous and so many words that as a result of them appearing frequently and through the explicit evocation of sexual desire just make you think of sex. It fills it with sexual tension on one side.

But on the other side there are the words and images that hint at a darker nature. The husband is many times connected to animal brutality, and just brutality in general, and in two ways.

On one side there are several times when the imagery of food is evoked in connection with her, she is treated as some kind of delicacy that just might be eaten up, a pound of flesh brought on the market, or as in the end it is revealed, a fine game hunted and trapped.

On the other side the brutality comes from the history of the husband (fuck spelling the rank, but for the record, he is a Marquis). first of all, we he is connected through a gift to Catherine to Medici, a (by reputation, do not know much about her) ruthless woman, who has given the family quite a while ago a ring, made of fine gold and an opal the size of a pigeon’s egg (p9). dunno if has anything to do with it but found some info that says the opal is also connected to seeing a change of colour (which might reference how post marriage she will see his true colours) and in the short story it is explicitly stated that opal is a bringer of bad luck (p9). So we can see that the marriage is doomed from the beginning and through the connection to the brutal queen, the long line of dead women we almost didn't even need the reminder of the Marquis's own line of dead wives who wore and "returned" the ring to him to see how this will end badly.

Another piece of ancestral jewelry that is a gift from him is a choker with rubies in it, it is described as an "extraordinarily precious slit throat". And is explained in the next paragraph to be a remain of the trend by French nobility to wear chokers as a reminder of the mass beheadings (p11) and this is something that she must wear during sex as well, as a matter of fact he especially makes her put it on for it. (p17) Now this is a combined foreshadowing. On one hand, it tells us how he wants to kill her: chop of her head the same way St. Cecilia's was (the portrait of whom, another musician, is put up in her piano room. But on the other hand the choker is a symbol of escaping the blade, which us explicitly pointed out as well.

Another brutal element from the past is his seeming nostalgia that back in the times he could have hang, like a flag, their bloody bed sheets to prove her virginity to everyone. (p19)

on p33 it is also revealed that the castle is called the Castle of Murder by the locals and there are stories about the brutality of its former owners, esp. a story about how one of them literally hunted women in the woods like foxes.

But this bit is revealed very late in the game, after the chamber and everything else. Still even without it he has a very creepy vibe to him. She feels it too, she describes him as oppressive and at a part she likens the place to like a huge cage and notes how the tides will cut her off from the world. Another part to note is the terms in which their "love-making" is described.

Their room is the ancestral room, many have lain in it before, including, most likely, his previous wives. For her specifically, a row of mirrors that multiply her are added and when they have sex it is described from the perspective of someone looking at these mirrors: " a dozen husbands impaled a dozen brides". (p17) 'impaled' is a word that connects both to the erotic and murderous components. (Switching over to phone, will probably have more mistakes bc my phone is a little bitch. ) we also get to see what it is like to have sex with him. "As if he had been fighting with [her]" (p18) he "shrieked" and cursed when he orgasmed, his "deathly [or perhaps deadly] composure" shattered. When he was done he was like a felled oak (p17-18). None of these are peaceful or loving images but they are connected to those.

After they are done we can see phrases such as "my husband, who, with so much love, filled my bedroom..." , "reminiscent of papered flesh" "stroked" "caressed" "with tenderness" and he comforts her with murmuring "[she had] never heard before, a voice like the soft consolation of the sea" (p18). He apologizes for hurting her. But the brutality seeps into it as well: the word "embalming" is potent with what is yet to be revealed in the chamber and so does incense. Beyond that she has bled in the process of love making, afterwards the necklace still bites into her neck and her husband says that he couldn't help hurting her. How odd it is to say that but it will tie into a rather odd theme of the story. After this of course, he has to break the idyllic honeymoon by leaving and he also insults her by both diminishing the honeymoon's importance and by saying that he has bought her with "a handful of colored stones and pelts of dead beasts". This again brings in the element of death and foreshadows the moment he will call her whore.

Another element that enters here is the element of ownership. He is ire she won't run bc he owns her (though such allusions were made previously as well).

Circling back a bit to the sex scene and its violence.

The act is violent and is followed by something more tender yea, but what is even more important is that she believes that it might have given her a glimpse into who he truly is without his masks. This is going to be a motivating desire for her just a bit later, to know who he truly is and the placement of this idea connect his real self to all of the following: pain, violence, sensual pleasure, comfort, death, corruption. Yes corruption. I guess it is time we talk about the lilies. (Or more accurately I ramble on about them). P15: "The lilies I always associate with him; that are white. And stain you". This, next to her innocence what comes up the most. She might have been an innocent but he claims that her white face promises a "debauchery only a connoisseur can detect". This makes her his potential equal, his pair as he (Prev quote from p20) is described in terms as "satyr" (p19) , "lecher" (p15). He is a perverse who collects books with phonographic images in them (p17), has painting of erotic nature ( p20) and poses her into a very pornographic situation and makes comments on her like that on several occasions (p15, p11, p19). She is aware of the nature of these situations at each occasion and she is not immune to them and their effect. She responds to his desire as early on as p11: " for the first time in my innocent and confined life, I sensed in myself a potentiality for corruption". She is also the one who recognizes how pornographic her undressing is on p15, she does want to read a yellow covered book and is enchanted by the pornographic images in his book (p16 and p17) and after they have sex a "queasy craving" awakens in her. She has "dark newborn curiosity" she "longs for him" at the same time she is "disgusted by him" , which can suggest that she is resisting the corruption (p22). Nevertheless she lusts for him and at this point the question of ownership comes in again. She accuses him that he left ther to suffer in her inability to fulfill her newfound desires to "show his mastery" over her (p22). Which brings in the idea of sexual domination.

And I think we arrived to the point where we must enter, or at least approach the bloody chamber.

First of all, let me tell you straight out of the gate that I am not quite sure what the bloody chamber is representation vise. Story vise, it is a trap. Now, where does this enter into the story: they had some good sex, he received the call, announces his upcoming departure, they eat dinner, and then they go to the library (coincidentally, where she found the lewd book).

This means that she already got a taste of what pleasures the flesh can offer (I am really trying to not be vulgar hear), she thought that she got a glimpse of the true him, and she knows that in theory she will be lonely and on her own, as the mistress of the house, for the next 6 weeks. at least (p18).

And into this he drops the bomb of the key chain.

"Then, slowly yet teasingly, as if he were giving a child a great mysterious treat, he took out a bunch of keys from some interior hidey-hole in his jacket" p19.

This is a decent place to start untangling this whole mess (btw, @me: yes, i switched back to desktop, much easier). He is teasing her, trying to arouse her curiosity. It is sort of offered as a reward, perhaps for her doing well previously (yes, I do mean in the bedroom). The keys are mysterious not only bc she doesn't know what they open, but also bc she doesn't know the true reason of why she is getting them. The keys also represent him and his wealth. There are keys to trivial areas like the kitchen but also to the picture gallery with priceless paintings.

And here taking a break from the quote analyses I bring me the disturbing stuff: daddy issues and incest:

So it is not surprising that the Marquis, who collects lewd images tells his young wife about them. But there is one image that stands out even though it is glossed over: "a pair of very special Fragonards, commissioned for a licentious [promiscuous] ancestor, who it was said, had posed for the master's brush himself with his own two daughters...." (p20)

Knowing what kind of paintings he likes, and what kind of titles these invented (yes I tried looking them up, source says invented) paintings have "Sacrificial Victim", "The Foolish Virgins" "Out of the night we come, into the night we go", we can safely assume that those, as well as this specific painting are... explicit. Which means that one of his ancestors had erotically charged paintings made of himself with his daughters. And our present Marquis left them on the wall and is not ashamed to talk about them. As a matter of fact, talking about them triggers him to tell her how her face has a promise of debauchery. He assigns a daughterly role to her AS WELL AS that of a wife. He calls her child" on many an occasion even when he is talking to her RIGHT AFTER they had sex ("My dear one, my little love, my child, did it hurt her") and before that as well "Have the nasty pictures scared Baby?" (p18 and p17). He even talks to her in 3rd person like you would to a young child. Disturbing. Well at least she is canonically seventeen.

He is also much older than she is and she is also a girl who lost her father so she has no male authority figure in her life. I really don't want to spell out what this adds up to, but it certainly adds a whole new dimension to the conclusion.

Now back to the quote. He goes on to explain how much he has a king's ransom worth of fine China from this brand, a queen's ransom's worth of China from the other brand (p20), (yes he keeps those locked up) he has keys to safes that have enough jewelry in them that she can change her necklaces and earrings three times a day and he has share certificates that are worth even more.(p21)

She can have at them all.

He purposefully leaves one key unaccounted for. and she asks if that is the key to his heart (p21) and demands it away from him. He "dangled the key tantalizingly above [her] head, out of the reach of [her] straining fingers" and he answers that it is not a key to his heart but to his "enfer". This word triggered my mostly forgotten French, it means hell.

Be back to that in a moments. Than he goes on to say these: "Every man must have one secret, even if only one, from his wife" "promise me you'll use all the keys on the ring except for that last little one" "make toy boats out of my share certificates, if it pleases you" "promise me, if you love me, to leave it well alone" "there I can go... to savour the rare pleasure of imagining myself wifeless" (p21). With these words he placed the highest possible value on this room, above the worth of the certificates that are worth millions. This is something money cannot buy. But this is also the ultimate, hands off, don't touch me, ever. She caught only a small glimpse of his true self and now she wants all of him, his heart, she wants to know who he is, and he especially set that place up as his own private place where he can be himself. He says that the room is at the end of "a dark little corridor full of horrid cobwebs that would get into your hair and frighten you if you ventured there". She warns her specifically: it is a dark place where the past dwells, and my past would frighten you, because there I go specifically to imagine what it would be like if I had no wife. It is a warning that she cannot understand especially because of her innocence: that is a room where "husband" and "wife" cannot coexist. There is no place in it for the both of them. She shows that she doesn't get the warning by replacing the keyword "wifeless" with "bachelor" later (p26).

This room is a dangerous place, where his most private and sinful desires live but he is trying to contain them. He calls it his hell which means that he suffers from it as well.

The problem is that this "one secret" is his true self, the core of his being that she desires to know. He is willing to offer her all the material wealth and is willing to settle for these odd substitutes for his fantasies (the choker and St. Cecilia instead of the beheading) so long as she can leave him in his solitary existence. Now. This is the text. What is the subtext?

Sexual desire. She caught a glimpse of who he is during sex, as a result she wants to see more of it, she wants to have all of him, pretty much the first thing she misses about him is his touch, the room itself is about his sexual desires... and in the middle of his whole explanation of what he has we get this sentence: "in my innocence, he sensed a rare talent for corruption. Combined with everything that came before it this has to refer to her feelings.

Now is as good as any to have the topic of sexual dominance re-enter into this discussion: it’s a matter of control. By entering into the chamber she is disobeying him, challenging his authority, his dominance and that is why she has to be punished. The story explicitly says via Jean- Yves that " you disobeyed him... that is sufficient reason for him to punish you". But the issue is also more complicated.

So now we are finally at the point where she has the keys. She meets with this new guy. He is blind. He cannot see her beauty that tempted the Marquis. he is shy. In this sexually charged world he is the new innocent one but one that does not seem to feel sexual desire himself. He is the safe option (more on that later).

Now let’s get to where she switches on all the lights. She creates artificial daylight, light that can reveal all the secrets her husband is hiding (btw I forgot to note that the bunch of keys came from a hiding place as well? that is a whole lot of hiding: the keys are hidden, he at first tries to hide the last key by ignoring it, the room is hidden though he reveals it too, later the drawer has a hidden compartment as well. he is hiding himself well, yet he wants to be seen, hence the reveals. )

Once there is light she is not afraid to explore and she goes for the study, after she proved that she is not a greedy mistress who will order everyone around and ask for whatever. Even the jewels she puts away bc "[she] would not find his heart amongst the glittering stones". (p25) she searches his drawers and even notes that he must have a lot to hide if he is doing it so thoroughly. She also finds some papers that hint at criminal activity and she even ponders if the crime alone is his reward. She gets so close to figuring him out, to sensing the danger but she is still impressed by "his zeal for secrecy". (p25) and then the hidden drawer pops up with the single folder marked as personal. "I had the brief notion that his heart... lay in this file. It was a very thin one". (p26) she is still looking for his heart, for him.

Now what does she find in that file? Trophies or keepsakes from the previous wives. (hard to tell the difference in this situation) Love notes to be exact.

The first she pulls is a napkin from the La Couple, a restaurant, on the Boulevard du Montparnasse, which is not in Montmartre, where the Her worked as a barmaid in a café (p10), but close enough. I will take it. The note says " My darling, I cannot wait for the moment when you may make me yours completely". This is important bc it is in part submissive, it is offering full control to him and him alone, but as another poem or work I have read said it "you cannot belong to me fully until even a piece of you belongs to someone else" so having her fully to him would mean severing all of her other ties, which means killing her. She can only be truly his, and his alone until she is alive. This note makes it sound like her murder was to a degree a shared desire, they both wanted to unite in that violent way.

Second note is from the singer and it has the single world Until scrawled across a score of Liebestod from Tristan. Liebestod means "love death" the erotic death of two lovers, the consummation of that love in or after death. Which also means something like "yeah, I totally wanna be in your erotic murder fantasy". or something similar. I am mildly sure that all the other women kinda knew what they were signing up for. The lat one is from the Romanian countess, it is a postcard of a graveyard where a grave is being dug. The note this time around says "On the occasion of this marriage to the descendent of Dracula - always remember, "the supreme and unique pleasure of love is the certainty that one is doing evil." Toutes amitiés, C.”

Blatant. These women have to have known what was going to happen. They all are making references to it. This note even reassures him that in love one has to do evil. Carmilla, the countess calls herself a descendant of Dracula and that is accurate due to intertextuality: she is Romanian, from Transylvania to be precise, just like Dracula. She is a countess, the female pair of the count, which was Dracula's title. Her name is Carmilla as in the novel Carmilla about a female vampire, but one that also came before Dracula, but this Carmilla lives after Dracula. Confusing? Well, I don't know how hard I was intended to think about this, but it feels like there is this monstrous woman (a vampire) who in a way gave life to his male counterpart and received new life (relevancy) through him. I am not saying f-ed up incest, but I am. It's complicated. Kinda like a self-birthing metaphor if I read really hard into it. The point that I am obviously supposed to get though is that she is a vampire, something that was a symbol??/metaphor??/way to discuss sexual repression. And a vampires sexuality is always predatory and connected to violence. Carmilla and the Marquis might just have been two monsters finding each other.

(p26, all of that). Back to our little lady: she does not understand these "grown up games" but she feels like "these were clues to his self that showed me, at least, how much he was loved, even if they did not show a good reason for it". (p26) She doesn't see the reason, bc she does not understand the game, that these people found death to be some kind of dark, erotic pleasure, an ultimate expression of love and ownership.

So since she does not really get it, but only knows that this is a part of her husband she decides to go and find him. To quote (long quote) "Perhaps I half-imagined, then, that I might find his real self in his den, waiting there to see if indeed I had obeyed him; that he had sent a moving figure of himself to New York, the enigmatic, self-sustaining carapace of his public person, while the real man, whose face I had glimpsed in the storm of orgasm, occupied himself with pressing private business in the study at the foot of the west tower, behind the still-room. " (p26) There is it again sex and the true face, and also an issue I have not mentioned and will not discuss yet: doubling.

Anyway, she goes to the chamber. He called it his hell and suitably, it is underground, and the soothing sound of the sea does not reach it.

Before she enters there are some pretty neat similes: "the key slid into the new lock as easily as a hot knife into butter." (p27)

And now I got to one of the fun parts where I can start to throw in a theory: I already mentioned recently, that these women probably knew what they were getting into (further evidence is that the opera singer had a smile on her dead lips). I also already mentioned that the Marquis made this place sound like older than it was: cobwebs and all, like it was a part of his past. Like it is the past (not the present or her future). I also mentioned that he is trying to contain his murderous desires. He was suggesting that when the impulse comes to him he will lock himself away from her, far away from her. And here is another piece: the lock is new. I wonder was it made recently? in preparation for her? It was her innocence that attracted him. Maybe he did not want to devour her, and we will see further support for it a bit later on.

Anyway, we get another soft mention of how her innocence is already tainted (this is important bc she is quickly loosing to his desires (and to her own that were triggered by his, so really to his desires) the quality that attracted him to her, a.k.a. what was keeping her safe.

Also important to note before we enter is that she thinks that she "might find a little of his soul" inside. (p26)

Now after this there is a soft break, a single empty line before we enter and the entrance starts with a quote from the Marquis's favourite poet: "There is a striking resemblance between the act of love and the ministration of torture" (p26). this harkens back to Carmilla's note about the pleasure of love being doing evil. Weird thing is, that she says that she learned something of that sort in their wedding bed as well. Does she mean that the evil was hurting her (painfully taking her virginity) but it came with certain pleasures? Maybe.

Now the room is dark. Electricity does not reach it. Her man-made daylight doesn't reach it so she has to light and relight candles, even the ones around the dead body of the opera singer. So she explores. At first she believes that the torture devices are there for contemplation and that it is a "little museum of his perversity" (p28), which is yet again an explicit link between sex and violence. Then she sees the catafalque.

Now a catafalque, especially one of Renaissance workmanship is something, expensive and precious. It shows care. There is incense burning, there are candles, there are flowers. Care was taken with this place and it especially shows in the fact that he embalmed her. Then she sees the skull of the barmaid turned model. Then she opens the Iron Maiden to find the Countess. (who died only 3 months prior.

Now let's take a look at how these women were killed: The opera singer, the performer was strangled by hand (in my opinion a rather intimate but not too sexual way to kill someone, or at the very least Criminal Minds never told me that if someone strangles someone than it is a replacement for penetration (that is stabbing or so I've been told). She is covered with a thin sheet "such as the princes of Italy used to shroud those whom they had poisoned", which can here mean that he tainted, poisoned her with his desires. She is also given flowers, just like divas are after a good performance. Coincidentally (not) those are the same kind of lilies that her room was full of when she arrived.

The skull is crowned with white roses and has a bridal veil and is hung into the air, hung like it is on an invisible wall, like an art piece, bc the woman whose skull it is was a model. Care was taken again to make it personal, to fit the death to the one receiving it.

This brings us to Carmilla, the vampire. She is in the Iron Maiden, a coffin, like the ones vampires sleep in. When the little lady is looking for her body she notes this: "Then, for some reason - perhaps some change in the atmosphere wrought by my presence - the metal shell of the Iron maiden emitted a ghostly twang; my feverish imagination might have guessed its occupant was trying to clamber out" (p29).

This further builds into the vampire motive by implying that she is undead. But of course she isn't. She has been impaled by the spikes of the Iron Maiden. She is impaled. This is a nice throw back to how she described her lovemaking with the Marquis, and how vampires are impaled (Dracula was) and how many say Dracula's real life inspiration was Vlad the Impaler. And just to keep playing with the vampire theme there is also a lot of blood.

As a matter of fact, there is a truly unreal amount of blood. She drops the key into "her forming pool of blood" (p29) she instantly notes that she looks so newly dead and so full of blood. But how the hell would this happen? I am going on a bit of a tangent here.

HOW THE HELL IS THERE BLOOD!? I understand the needs of the atmosphere and it is bloody brilliant and I will talk about it but first let me get this portion cleared. The Marquis was supposed to have been widowed 3 months ago (p10). Now at this page it also says that it was a boating accident and the body was never found. So either of two things happened: a) he killed her two months ago, stuffed her into the Iron Maiden, which impaled her and she died. Three months. Blood should have coagulated by the time of this incident. I did a quick search and it said that that should happen around 10 hours after death? And I can understand that the pull of gravity pulls the blood down and it flows out through the wounds on her legs (I looked up if it could work) but here is the thing. It should have flown out into the Iron Maiden and dried there.

Another possibility is that she died recently. That he stuffed her into this thing somewhere offscreen after they arrived back. BUT ten hours probably passed between point in time and his departure as well so same thing here (when he leaves there is a "little thin starlight in the courtyard" (p21) and now it is dinner time again bc she dismissed the servants for the night (p25). There is no logical reason why that corpse should or could bleed. Tangent over.

But of course, this ties into the vampire theme and so I will take it.

So, how does our little lady react to this all? With notions like she is "the next in the fated sisterhood of his wives" and she feels "pity for his other victims and also a dreadful anguish to know that [she] too was one of them". She counts herself amongst their ranks, has no illusions about escaping.

Now we have to note here that she dropped the key into the unlikely, undead blood of Carmilla. It is magic blood.

No, I am not even joking. Carmilla's blood is magic, because it shouldn't be flowing by then but also because you cannot get rid of it. When she realizes a bit later that her husband is coming back she tries to wash off the blood "but as if the key itself were hurt, the bloody token stuck"(p33). She can't wash it off.

Then later on when she is forced to retrieve it and show it to him she notes that the blood "had resolved itself into a mark of the shape and brilliance of the heart on a playing card. "(p36). This is the same blood that was not liquid enough to be washed off. But this is also the same magic blood that at the light touch to her forehead "had transferred itself" to it (p36) (the heart shaped mark) and that later on, even when he is already dead can be covered by "no paint nor powder, no matter how thick or white" (p41). The undead Carmilla, her predecessor, her newfound sister have marked her as a sinner, as the next in line to die and join them. With magic blood.

Anyway she goes back upstairs and tries to think of a plan (after she draws our attention to the portrait of St. Cecilia and wonders how she died bc she too already knows that she will share her fate.

She tries to think of a plan, but she thinks the servants might be in cahoots with the Marquis, prevent her escape or just plain old pretend that they don't know what she's talking about is she goes to them for help. She tries the phone, but the line went dead (yet not long ago she managed to get a call to her Mum in Paris during which she cried and this will be important bc of Deus ex Mama).

She still has the hope that her husband might truly have gone to New York, but in a moment of foreshadowing fake-out when she is playing her piano she hears the drop of a stick and thinks it is him in front of her door. It is not. It is the piano tuner brought in just today, just for her, safe and shy Jean-Yves who is very sympathetic to her plight. He also has a creepy crush on her bc of her piano skills. He was eavesdropping in front of the door. He also brought back to her the keys she dropped at her husband’s office, which is a nice gesture of giving her back some semblance of control.

So the theory here, my theory, is that Jean-Yves is an innocent who due to his blindness is impervious to the lady's charm and face that promises debauchery, he hears only her music that is tying her to St. Cecilia. Through his adoration and puppy dog love she gets absolved of her sins and that is why he is later on "her lover (p38 and p39) and why the Marquis thinks they are besotted and why they end up staying together. She on p41 notes that she is happy he cannot see her mark bc it "spares [her] shame". These are literally the ending words of the story yet I cannot make much of them. Spare her from having to be ashamed of being marked by an evil supernatural entity? Her shame of being in a past relationship? Her shame of her own sexual desires? (more on that later)

If Carmilla was a supernatural being then we can interpret Jean-Yves as one as well. He is the good guy, who ties the lady to the heavens through giving her back "her own particular magic" (p31) her piano music, bc he was the one who tuned it to perfection, He also has supernaturally good hearing and he could hear the change of the tides and the coming of her mother from one hell of a distance. He is an "angel". And as such he is chaste, there are no hints of sexual desire tying them together, which can bring this story out to have a very odd message I might not care for much.

It is also odd that while Jean-Yves is there to give her comfort he does not act. He listens to her, warns her of both the good and the bad, accompanies her to the courtyard but he cannot even open the gate on his own. She has to help with that. It's a but like he is not even tangibly, physically there.

But back to the juice part, the Marquis arrives home. He gives her a story of why he is home early that she does not believe. "I had been tricked into my own betrayal to that illimitable darkness whose source I had been compelled to seek in his absence and, now that I had met that shadowed reality of his that comes to life only in the presence of its own atrocities, I must pay the price of my new knowledge". (p34) She likens it to Pandora's box that she was always meant to open. Now remember that back a hella long time ago I said we were going to talk about doubling? We are talking about doubling.

With the little lady we are talking about mirrors. There are two selves: the innocent, naive self that is in the physical world and there is the more sensuous sinner, the version of herself that the Marquis sees, that she always sees only in the mirror. P11: she catches the first glimpse of what he sees when he looks at her in a mirror. The bedroom is full of mirrors (p14) she catches a glimpse of how they look when she is almost completely naked in a mirror (p15), their lovemaking is described from the perspective of someone looking into the mirrors as well (p17) and when she is preparing to meet him for her execution she, combing her hair she is again, looking into the mirror (p37). Now with her, this is interesting bc of two reasons: one she likens her mark to the mark of Cain (p36). The mark of Cain, as far as my vague knowledge of the Bible and 5 seconds of googling tells me, is the result of Cain's murdering of his sibling, Abel.

But who did she kill? I my opinion this is a reference that she merged with her reflection and became that sinful woman. She killed her innocent self, her "mirror sister" if you'd like. This idea is supported by her circumstances as well. The Marquis is the one that gives her the mark, and he is placed in the position of God, even as early as in the chamber: "as if to tell me the eye of God - his eye - was upon me (p29). His voice when he speaks before he gives her the mark sounds like "great cathedral organs that seem, when they are played, to be conversing with God" (p36) and she has to kneel before him. But likening her mark to the mark of Cain is also interesting bc the mark is supposed to protect Cain from a premature death. That protection was given to Cain by God and if this mark follows the analogy, then the Marquis gave her a similar mark that would protect her. This explains a lot: how she could get away with the loitering, how he took her time with the execution with kissing her nape and all that (39), how he froze up just long enough that her mother, who arrived just in time, mind you, could shoot him before he can do her harm. If this is, in its function Cain's mark then it did its job and the Marquis gave it to her, which I will gladly use in my reluctant killer argument.

Also, if the mark she is wearing is a mark of Cain then it makes sense that it does not come off and that she does not wish for the "angelic" Jean-Yves to see it.

Now, let's talk about doubling with the Marquis. With him it is more the personality. His projected and true selves. P18: she catches a glimpse of his true self while he orgasms. (he too gets doubled in the mirrors but it is alongside of her so it is not counted here) p21: with the key to your heart line his heart is separated off of the rest of his being, same happens with the file (p26) and his soul (p27). P26, she physically separates in her mind the public and the private by saying that he sent the public to New York and the private is in the chamber and again on p34 by saying that there is a self of his that comes alive only at certain times, when he encounters other beings like himself. There can be some duality sensed in how he plays both the role of the Devil, the tempter and God, who ultimately saves her. This duality is reflected in his attitude towards killing her as well: he feels both shamed and excited for what is about to happen. He comforts even as he threatens (p36).

So now we arrived to the question:

why did she have to die?

The answer is love. He told her that if she loves him she will leave the chamber alone (p21) but it was exactly because she loved him, that she wanted the true him that she had not obeyed. Alternatively we can make this about carnal lust, but just bc she caught her first glimpse of him during sex there is no need to go there. I think. I won't.

So as previously discussed she was looking for the true him, his heart, his soul, the phantom self that might have been waiting for her in the chamber.

Love was also the reason why the other women died, though as discussed, they might have been more willing participants in this weird love ritual than the little lady, with whom he might have expressed some reluctance.

So to revise my evidence for that so far: fair warning, new lock, talks as if in that is all in the past, mark of Cain, comfort giving.

Now here is a quote from when she returns back: "and it seemed to me he was in despair" "I felt there emanate from him, at that moments, a stench of absolute despair, rank and ghastly". She also observes that it was as if the lilies started to fester and his seductive scent was breaking down (p35), To me it communicates that his uglier nature is coming out in the presence of the sinner who has caught a glimpse of him and is tainted by him, but that his better part is not necessarily happy with the arrangement. "The evidence of that bloody chamber had showed me that I could expect no mercy. Yet, when he raised his head and stared at me with his blind, shuttered eyes as though he did not recognize me, I felt a terrified pity for him, for this man who lived in such strange, secret places that, if I loved him enough to follow him, I should have to die.

The atrocious loneliness if that monster"

He is looking at her with blind eyes not recognizing her, not seeing the temptation that he did from the very beginning. These are the last moments when he is still capable of these feelings because the worse part of him won this round and now that she knows what he truly is, what he truly is like she has to die. It is like he too met his double and him too was burnt up by it. She and him, they both saw the worst parts of each other (the disobedient wife who does not "love her husband enough" to respect his requests and the man that needs to own his lovers so completely only death will do). They are not on par, sure but there is this parallel.

Now I only want to highlight one more thing from here: "My little love, you'll never know how much I hate daylight' (p36). This ties back to how she switched on every lamp, how she flooded everything with light and how the sunlight illuminates the world and reveals the things that are hidden in the dark. He hates that his secret self keeps resurfacing, that room, that self is his hell, but he gets pushed back into it all the time, because once that self comes alive it takes over (as we see how he completely changes by the end, p36: still gives comfort calls her pet names p38: he calls her a wicked woman and a whore).

Now one more thing before we move on (yeah, I lie a lot about moving on from topics): the public self already married the young lady, that the chamber's self sees as St. Cecilia (actually calls her that on p38) but for the chamber's self this is the true wedding, the murder. This is the kind of union all the other women were hinting at and this is what is about to happen here too. He tells her that the castle is going to be empty because he had given the servants "a day's holiday, to celebrate our wedding" (p37). It is a ceremony too, like a wedding. She has to bath and get dressed in special dress for it and meet him at the "altar". When she is reluctant to go down to the courtyard to meet him he calls up to her: "Shall I come up to heaven to fetch you down, Saint Cecilia? You wicked woman, do you wish me to compound my crimes by desecrating the marriage bed?" (p38) She is still in the music room at this point so it is a metaphorical marriage bed, the place where he wants to execute her and he does not want to desecrate it by either moving the execution elsewhere or forcing her into it. She has to come on her own. When she appears with a boy she automatically becomes a "whore" for that same reason. She is cheating on him. This also makes the "why is he kissing her nape from p39 make sense. They are getting married, it is their Liebestod and she even notes that he gets her just as naked as the first time he undressed her (the time before they had sex), but this time around it is by cutting her clothes away.

Of course this wedding is interrupted by the mother crashing in on horseback and shooting the Marquis who is likened to a "man-eating tiger that had ravaged the villages in the hills of north Hanoi" (p40).

Ofc the mother sensing that her child is in danger (bc she never heard her child cry in happiness before and knew that if she is crying something is wrong) came in as a great hero is a kind of on the nose way to communicate that 'mother knows best'. She never really liked the Marquis and was sad about the marriage and now she came to protect her young and naive daughter from the predatory man who wanted to hurt her. It kind of says that it is a mother's job to do that because young girls still cannot recognize a threat like this.

Now before I wrap up the conclusion I want to point out one last thing. She had the castle transformed into a school for the blind so now there are children there (needed to explain to put the quote into context.

"I pray that the children who live there are not haunted by any sad ghosts looking for, crying for, the husband who will never return to the bloody chamber". (p40) Now she either understands that those women loved him and that through death they united with him or she is projecting a bit, so she is missing him. (though she mentions that Jean-Yves is living with them but she talks about him so briefly). Either way it is kind of poetic that now these women, who understood her husband better than she did are the ones who have to look for and cry for him though they had him more than she did when he was alive, though it can be viewed that the Liebestod was complete, but simply the other way around and she had him in his death (if we accept my mark of Cain line of thought. Also, the mark took the shape of a heart, which is the symbol of love, especially romantic love. Just throwing that in as well.

As for the conclusion, the part that we should learn from, let's see.... I kinda hate to say it but it is kind of a tale that warns against not only predatory men, but sexual desire, desiring and being desired as well, and especially against a woman taking charge of her own desires. (to be honest it can be understood as any sort of desires bc material wealth was what lured her in, sexual desire and love made her stay and at the end she gave away most of her inherited wealth and is in a non-sexually charged relationship.) Not really a moral i can get behind, but as a fairy tale it was made for a different time (and yes, I say that even though it is a retelling bc I don't feel like the core changed.).