#I like cant even talk to anyone about it because like everyone who cares wouldn't know why i was worried a.d

[lucyfrostblade]

i won't break no contact to ask if she's dead or not that would be so fucked but it would be a little funny tho

[musicfranchisetournament]

propaganda under the cut !!

paradox live :

ive seen my friends talk about it and also theres this really pretty girl i thibk her name is anne? i wanna kiss her mwah

The world is set in the future where the hip hop artists have these cool Phantom Metals that produce cool illusions as they perform with the downside of the performers reliving their worst trauma after using it. Every group has their own theme, aesthetic, and music style Every character has canon trauma which perfect for angst Found family It's still going on They do April Fools on the fandom every year (2024 being an ad for a cat game)

charisma house :

genuinely what the fuck. i don't think i've seen a song franchise as bonkers as charisma house and i doubt i ever will. it's so entertaining and the characters are all unhinged in the best way possible. none of them are 100% good people at the end of the day and i think this just makes the whole ordeal even funnier. are you kidding me you have some random 19 yo who invites people to go live in a random house one day and they just go. the songs are so so good (most of the time. stares at my two exceptions) and whenever it's a full group song? they're always parodies of another common popular song which is so funny to me every time i hear them. i love charisma house and will defend it to the days end

It's so silly and entertaining:) the songs are sick and super catchy . The visuals are super unique .. and the concept of these eccentric crazy guys all living in a house together with the power of charisma has some super hilarious interactions.  Also charisma is the power that can save the world.. and if these guys get too overpowered with their charisma they go through yugioh style transformations and break out into song... so there is that little detail<3

they're just ordinary guys. music part aside the story is funny until it gets serious and then it's funny AND heartwrenching. music part?? group songs are based on nursery rhymes and they fucking suck but also go so hard. their solo songs all have their own genres and they're so. Aodhajhfhdhfbd Stream viva la liberation. 

Funny gay people living in a house together and all their songs parody children's songs, and all their music videos are like Cocomelon on crack. They're funny and they have a lovely found family dynamic. Very silly guys, I'm so normal about them.

Never in my life have i seen a piece of media change me this much as a person while doing the bare minimum. Perhaps the fact that it is the bare minimum and i still fell for it regardless says more about its power than any words could ever begin to describe. So utterly ridiculous in the most perfect way possible and so weirdly deep in also the best way possible but without forgetting its still fucking ridiculous. The appeal of Charisma House is that its Charisma House, and that same thing manages to be both its strength and its weakness, but its weakness is so grand it ends up becoming a strength, and perhaps its biggest strength by far. Talking about Charisma House makes me feel insane emotions because you cant describe it as good but you still know fully well its not bad either despite that being the easiest way to describe it. Sooner than later after so many episodes you'll end up realizing you have fell in its trap. Once you start caring. Once you start analyzing the miniscule tid bits of plot. Once all of that starts occurring you will soon come to realize you have been another victim of the mystical power Charisma House has on every single person that watches it. Or perhaps you just dont fucking care after 5 episodes and you leave it at that. This is perhaps the best option for everyone in the world. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone but the fact that i still do from time to time is because i want everyone else in the world to experience the unknown horrors of this media project until each and every one of them realize they have fallen down a hole they will never be able to escape. also Awwwww ohsebso cute i like ohse aaawwwww so cute 😍

[scrumptiousstuffs]

Hii~ I'll say firstly I'm keeping things strictly speculative and I'm NOT diagnosing anyone since I'm not a doctor.

I've noticed this for so long and just wanted to out this in the world asgdjdjfkf but khaotung gives me MAJOR adult with undiagnosed adhd vibes. The messy car (bottles in the front seat?!), always messy room, extremely creative hobbies and passions (song writing/ composing/singing/ acting), impulsive purchases !!!, frequently getting lost even with maps, engineering major but cant math, has a hard time rmring past events even though he's in the same location (timeblindness). I have ADHD too and I can see such a striking resemblance in me and him it’s crazy. (Ofc everybody presents with stuff like this but when it's excessive that's when you know)

I've watched and rewatched interviews and content enough to see how he tends to be a little spacey and needs to ask things twice to make sense. (People with ADHD struggle usually with too many thoughts, attention going everywhere instead of just the task at hand) And oh when I saw that gifset where he's like he asks first's help to organise his tasks for him my heart just died cz yes!!! (That's troubles with sequencing and work ordering that we folks struggle with and there's his bestie just calmly helping him out oh it made me heart hurt sm but anyway-)

He's my little aloof baby girl with 26739 facial expressions cz he cannot for the life of him calm tf down. He's so reactive and expressive and in the moment, yet he falls over his words (not all the time, yes, but A LOT). My boy is doing his fckin best and has grown so so much and I adore him for that.

His sleep habits??? Classic adhd. Can't fall asleep cz his brain wouldn't stfu. (He said that himself in one radio interview)

His shopping addiction is just him boosting his dopamine every chance he gets. And I get him. So much.

Somewhere he also talked about how he got burnt out and couldn't get out of bed and I just. I just wanted to hug this boy bcz- oh. Oh it all makes sense. (ADHD folks are notorious for burning out cz they already run on little to no fuel. They have to work extra hard for things others do without effort and that gets so goddamn hard)

Manager can’t reach him. Hyper aware of his surroundings (hence attuned and caring to everyone around him). He frequently gets distracted by fans screaming while he's talking (cz of the external stimulus) - and first has spoken on his behalf to not misunderstand him 🥹 (Again bcz ADHD makes your attention go everywhere and you can't regulate that shit)

But why am I even going on about this? There's plenty of people out there who don't have/require a diagnosis bcz they're doing just fine.

YES. YES.

This makes me all the more emotional bcz yes, people, community, friends, family when all of them pick up on your lost pieces life just gets so much bearable.

First is that person for Khaotung 100%.

He literally called First his second manager, he asks First to organise his work for him, answer for him. He looks for him everywhere because he needs him like genuinely, genuinely needs him to be there. (Like that one time he won't let him go off stage bcz he was taking pictures and didn’t want to be alone aahdhajsk)

Like we call First as the one who clings to Khaotung, let's be honest the whole company says it. But when I see Khaotung with First it's like he turns towards him like he's the sun. Pre-FK, in interviews he used to be so shy and struggle at articulating things, but with First taking the reigns he got the space to become better at his own pace and that's what I love about them sm :(

Okay I'm done. I'm just saying he might (again, keyword MIGHT) have ADHD. It's a whole spectrum and having friends around who aren’t judgemental and willing to share the load for you makes life easier and bearable and First is that person for him which just makes me admire and love this pairing even more aaagsfhjdk :((((

So, finally, what do you think about this? Sorry if this is in any way unsettling you don't have to answer it I just wanted to get it out haha

Wow anon, this is certainly a long post😅. You must have thought about it hard.

I have no training to diagnose ADHD. However, I'm glad you identify with Khaotung and sees yourself in him.

That's why most of us love the boys, yeah? In some ways or another, they are relatable and we connect with them. (On top of their kind, sweet nature, amazing acting skills plus beautiful faces of course!!!🥰🥰🥰)

Either way, some of the habits you listed above can easily be considered annoying to a lot of people. Clearly, First just finds everything Khaotung does adorable (but can you blame him? 🥺🥺🥺…look at this pookie!)

They balance each other superbly well. Yin and Yang if you want to call it ☯️

So, I agree with you when you say First is the person for Khaotung (just as Khaotung is for First)

(Khaotung towards First during an interview) ☝️

And you are absolutely right when you say that it's very easy (from the outside) to see First appears to be the "clingier" of the 2, but I suspect privately, Khaotung is just as sticky (he is just not as open about it like First, and I'll be addressing this on a different ask I got).

There is a quote by Walt Whitman (American poet) - "Keep your face towards the sunshine, and shadows will fall behind you."

And so, your statement of Khaotung looking at First like he is the sun, oh yes... he does it all the time!! (be it in official photoshoot, concerts or events)

[caffinedragon]

He knows what happened, he just doesn't feel like anyone would care.

This is a little long but it has been bothering me after i have seen several posts on how Halsin didn't realize what happened to him in the Underdark.

I have a different opinion:

Have people ever considered that Halsin talks that way about his trauma because of how little he believes people would care, and not that he doesn't understand what happened to him?

Now, I am speaking from my own personal experience as someone who has faced a lot of trauma(Nothing sexual thankfully) and who has been put in a semi leadership adjacent position during or after experiencing it, and let me tell ya, you quickly learn how much of a one sided affair that is.

From a young age I ended up being the person everybody in my friend group came to for advice and help, something I had taken pride in. However, I wouldn't realize how lonely that was until I was in my early 20's when the first time I tried to reach out for a fraction of that help I gave out back I got a response along the lines of, "Your life is so much better than mine, what do you need help for?"

And do you know what that does to someone?

I will tell ya.

You shut the fuck down.

You feel like you don't have the right to reach out for help.

Your the strong one.

Your the one everybody needs to look up to.

Your the one everyone believes is unshakable.

You don't need help.

You can do this all on your own.

Sound Familiar?

I am not in the camp that he doesn't understand what happened to him.

It's been 200 years at least and he didn't live most of his life in a society with social rules, forced power dynamics and complex politics and gender norms.

He knows what happened to him was horrific and wrong.

He knows how nature works. He studies it.

I doubt he is ignorant of the fact that the mind and body can operate separately.

He wouldn't be able to control his wild shape otherwise.

He tells you how he feared for his life and wanted to escape.

He explains how he was biding his time in order to survive.

Ever hear of undercover agents getting too deep and forgetting they were undercover?

But, despite this, he has also been around people long enough to notice how people might perceive his story.

he has interacted with people long enough to know that not everyone would be understanding.

I firmly believe that he talks the way he does about his trauma because he knows how people not only react to his physical appearance, but how they view him as this wise and strong unbreakable leader.

He said it himself, "People who see someone my size don't think i can get hurt or have feelings."

He talks like that about it because he has been made to feel that no one would care if he actually broke down.

To be able to do that, you need to trust the other person not to judge you or blow you off.

It puts you in an incredibly vulnerable position.

A vulnerable position Halsin couldn't really afford to put himself in due to everything that happened after.

Unless you have been in that position, you have no idea how scary that is.

And the only way to change that, is to find someone or someones, that allow you to be weak in front of them without judgement.

Which, even in this day and age, is very hard to do.

I am lucky that i have my best friend of 30+ years who let me realize that i had someone i could be weak in front of.

Halsin doesn't have and i think has ever had someone to be weak in front of by the time of the start of the game.

I know how hard it was to let my walls down at 36.

I cant imagine how hard that would be at 350.

If he can at all.

tl;dr: Halsin knows what happened to him was awful and horrific. He just believes no one would care if he spoke about it seriously because "People believe someone my size cant get hurt or have feelings."

[vasito-de-leche]

Ooooh, just saw your Self Aware!6 and I love how you portrayed him! You mentioned that he can hear the player, but not see them, right?

What if 6 encounters a player who has him as their favorite character (yk putting him as the main character in the interface), hearing them gushing about how 6 looks so handsome and how they prefer him over 37 and the people at Apeiron, mumbling about how he doesn't deserve the trouble, and actually rooting for him reading his event story? Basically just talking about him, unaware that 6 could actually hear them.

Anyways, I'll let you cook <3

;R1999 6 - Self-Aware AU (2)

Compilation of headcanons about how a self-aware 6 would react to a Player who gushes over him. Related to this Self-Aware AU post.

ty for your ask, nonnie! sorry if this isnt what you were hoping for, I cant exactly see a character like 6 enjoying this sort of treatment!

Right away, I think this sort of thing would make 6 extremely uncomfortable.

We know how he feels about receiving attention or being on the spotlight, how he prefers to stay by the sidelines and only put himself out there when others need mediation or whenever his people require him to play the role of leader--so to have a voice constantly praising and gushing over him would be really tiring. 6 is the type of person who enjoys--perhaps it's better to say that he needs--time alone, with nothing but his thoughts and some peace and quiet, after all.

Is this, somehow, his unchecked ego? Are these his own deepest thoughts manifesting as a voice coming from above, muddling the truth? No, that can't be. 6 knows that his self-esteem and opinion on himself is much more humble than this.

Once he finds out about the existence of the Player, he grows even more confused. Or rather, a bit more timid now that he knows you're watching over him, scrutinizing and observing each and every gesture, every little thing he says. He's your favorite character for reasons he cannot even fathom--not due to a sense of inferiority or inadequacy, but genuine confusion. Did he mess up somewhere? He's not supposed to receive this much attention beyond his contributions to the main story.

I think 6 would be indifferent to any comments about his appearance. His entire bloodline is praised for their unique complexion, this isn't new at all. Comments about how the Player prefers him over 37 or the people of Apeiron--HIS people, HIS community--wouldn't sit well with him, since they're people he cherishes and considers important, even if he keeps his distance from them.

Overall, treating him like this and putting him on a pedestal just further enforces those themes of isolation from the previous post, so to speak!

A much younger 6 would've definitely appreciated the support, to have someone in his corner, especially after losing his aunt to the Revelation. But I like to think that 6 as he is right now is mature enough to recognize the importance of everyone else's points of views. He, more than anyone, understands that he had his faults and that his actions should have consequences, and his humble and pacifist side would also lead him to defend the actions of others, such as 210, despite the previous tension between them. There's a reason his number represents harmony!

And because he represents harmony and perfection, I think he would just tolerate this for a long time. He's spent years in isolation, he's had people talk at him about things he cannot find himself to care about--this is no trouble at all. 6 would simply sit there, or go on about his day as you ramble about him. But I can see him wishing to be turned into a painting in the main screen as often as possible, just for a moment of reprieve.

The more you praise him, the less he talks.

For 6 to truly listen what you have to say, you'll have to talk about something that isn't him. He is curious, especially when he catches you murmuring about other things, such as your next strategy to win this UTTU Special Week, or complaining about the lack of materials to level up others.

I think what 6 would like the most is catching glimpses of the life you lead when you're not focusing on the game, when you complain about responsibilities and how eager you are to unwind by playing the game, when your pet interrupts and you stop playing to shower it with attention and love... These small, fleeting flashes of who you are when no one else is around. Aside from this, he would also love to hear your opinion on the events of the game, without this obvious favoritism for him--what do you think of the allegory of the cave? Do you ever wonder about your soul number?

These are the things that would get 6 to slowly warm up to the idea of the Player watching over him, that would get him to speak back to you one day, on impulse or on purpose. And only once 6 sees you as more than a distant voice, when you finally bond with him in a more meaningful way, perhaps your praise will actually mean something to him. Perhaps he will thank you directly with a small smile, perhaps he will ask you to explain why you feel so strongly about him, genuinely curious about your point of view.

But in the mean time, silence is a virtue.

[waterthatsmoe]

*Cracks knuckles* Time for me to yap.

So Sebek would leave first because he isn't that type to sit still and take it. Obviously, he's very affected by this but he knows that Yuu affected more than just first years. He's probably on his way to yap about this to his family (Rip Malleus) and express his disdain for their choice of leaving without even telling anyone. He probably also wants to be around the people that he knows would help him get through this. At the same time, he knows damn well he can't keep still and grieving, he still has a lot to do. But that doesn't make the pain hurt any less whenever he goes about his day. "That stupid human!!" 👹

Ortho is also leaving next and I think it could be two things, Idia called him back or Ortho gets determined to figure out how to reach Yuu. If I know Ortho, he never gives up and he hates seeing people he cares about to be sad. He's one of the characters that got closest to helping Yuu find a way home. He wouldn't be satisfied with this type of ending and he's a pushy person so he won't give up until he makes it "right" with Yuu. (AKA, Yuu gets to say a proper goodbye or something and the first years get the closure they need). He'd still take in everyone's needs and be helpful as usual, but that Shroud diligence will have him working on finding a way to get back at Yuu for their slight. (Cause of course, NRC students hold grudges. They ARE still villains and they wouldn't let this just fly over them.)

EPEL!! He's gonna be so sad for days and Rook and Vil will be so dismayed by this. They'll try but in Epel's perspective it could all come across as cold comfort. I feel like he'd be a mixed of pissed and sad after getting so hurt and betrayed. The person that'd comfort him the most could be Leona once Leona notices that he's a lot more emotional during practice. T∆T) I don't think Epel would be able to do much about but if he hears that Ortho is trying to find a way to talk to Yuu, Epel might just bust in and declare that he'd help. No. Matter. What. He's not going to lay down and take it!! Smthn smthn, he's angry and he wants to hear Yuu apologize and explain themself!

Jack - Wheeze - ಥ⁠╭⁠╮⁠ಥ ) My boy !!! This will affirm his choice to be such a loner. He probably would react to this by isolating himself from almost everyone and being in a cold mood. He'd start training more, releasing his pent up emotions by running or lifting weight and doing more push-ups. He probably won't talk to the other first years for a while because 1. He won't know how to comfort them and he'd just rather not. 2. He cant handle facing them just to remember their sad expressions and Yuu. Leona would also probably notice how sad his dog is and get pissed at Yuu for doing this to his boys. Might give a Leona style pep talk hshshs it may be a while before Jack talks to the others again, but he'll be there, watching from the background if they start feeling better themselves or get any news about Yuu

AHHHHHHHH MY HEARTSYABUL BOYS !! They're the closest to Yuu, so of course they'd stay, plus they just can't bear to leave Grim alone right now. They're sad too and distressed and so unable to give Grim much comfort other than being with him and grieving as well. (I used the word of grieving cause they're basically dealing with a form of "loss") oF COURSE it'd be Trey who first comes in and calls the others but it's probably Cater who heard about it first. Trey is such an older brother, he's there to comfort them for as long as they need. Riddle doesn't understand much but he knows how special Yuu was to them, he's probably uncomfortable seeing them so quiet and almost bleak.. so unlike themselves. That's why as a gentleman, he'll be there to offer his handkerchief and deepest condolences. He hates that this could affect their academic performance but he understands that they're sad. Would be very annoyed at Yuu, he'd probably let them off if they decide to help Ortho out on his research hshs-- I feel like the older years are also very sad but they know they have to be strong and are mature enough not to express their sadness in front of others unlike the first years

CATER!! HE GETS HIS OWN PART BECAUSE RAHHHHH he s O kNoWS how much they feel. It's so ass for him. Yuu would canonly confide in him about missing home and they had also gotten close, this would affirm that fact people should remain in distant quarters because they'll only keep hurting you this way. Leaving you. Alone. It's probably a cold and undeniable lesson for the first years that he himself can't offer comfort too because he himself doesn't know how. Yuu's actions and the first year's reaction would bring back so much trauma in him, he'd probably watch in the background with lifeless and unhopeful eyes whenever he catches them trying to find a way to talk to Yuu again. Knowing that, it's impossible and this is just a way for them to cope. He doesn't believe they'll be able to find communication with Yuu again (He'd be surprised if they did) and if asked, he'd probably say that "Yuu doesn't want to talk to you, anyways. Isn't it obvious from the way they left?" Smthn smthn, projecting from experience. "You should just move on, they probably already forgot you anyways." AHHHHH-

Anyways, that's my thoughts on how they'd react next hshsh I know my first years and the copium is always so strong with them. The sad thing is Grim, he doesn't know what to do, is he even still a student anymore? The first year Heartsyabul might take him in, especially Ace- He'd fight tooth and nail that Grim would be let in Heartsyabul at the very list. If Riddle disagrees, Ace is walking Grim to and fro Ramshackle every day with Deuce in tow. Would probably get so worried and stressed if Grim ever decides to run away as a response to Yuu leaving. Speaking of Grim, would he want to see Yuu again? Ofc yes. But I feel like he'd be scared. He's a child. He's probably sitting down wondering why they just left and the older years have to explain it to him (some would be awful at it and some would give shallow comfort about how Yuu probably didn't know how to say goodbye or smthn) I also think the Heartsyabul boys would have a field day talking it out with Crowley. About Grim, about prefect, about how he should tell them how Prefect got home and if there was any way for them to talk to Prefect again -- Like cross to their world and come back or SOMETHING! ANYTHING, AT LEAST!!

-hi I'm a new anon :3 sorry for the long ago, what do you think? I'd love to hear your thoughts -

Omg mr anon I love your yap you cooked!! It's a pretty good interpretation! Esp that cater part! I was worried people wouldn't take notice of cater being alone, but I'm glad it came through! For my process, I actually intended for cater to be that way as he doesnt feel cloee enough to yuu to offer 'proper' comfort to the two grieving the most. I think your interpretation kinda hits harder! Its so good!!

The part about epel's seniors having a sort of cold comfort is pretty on point! Jack's one as well! That is in line with my own h/cs while I made that comic!

Ortho's one was a bit more different, in which I planned for him to go after sebek but your interpretation into his characterisation pretty good. I really like the sebek interpretation! It's a bit more detailed than what I had originally thoguht of when drawing it but the idea is more or less similar! Good job mr anon!!

Did you realise that they actually left in order of their books? Sebek>Ortho>Epel>Jack

Leaving only heartshackle from start to end! 🥰🥰

If you come back to my asks again, what would you like to be called mr anon?

[pinkseas]

i cant start writing this until im done with the big wip i wont allow myself but.

isat au where after a late-game loop involving all the friend quests, All Of The Others start looping. siffrin dies late in the house, and they all remember it, but they Don't Initially Realize that siffrin has been looping. they think this is just as new for siffrin as it is for them, and that siffrin is only so scared and disoriented and confused because this began when they died, of course they're gonna be out of it.

siffrin using that death as an excuse over and over again in the next few loops. they've already died- they don't want any of the others to feel or experience that, they don't want anyone but themselves to get hurt. when they throw themselves in front of sadnesses or the king, the time they shout for someone to cover bonnie's eyes and then, hands shaking, scared but so determined, carve through their own throat.

the others are in so much more danger, now. and they'll remember what happens. they don't care about the script, they wander they explore they endanger themselves and siffrin can't tell them he knows, he can't, they just. have to try and protect everyone. have to try so, so hard to keep being the only one who remembers how it feels to die.

shaking as they kill themselves. not afraid of the pain, or dying, but petrified of the other's reactions. trying so hard to downplay their strength, to act Normal. or at least, as normal as they're supposed to be at the Beginning of a time loop. as normal as they're supposed to be after killing themselves to save one of their family members. saying they only really guessed that doing that would work to loop back. voice small, shaking, saying that they're really glad it did.

siffrin is not the best actor. too many things begin to add up. sif never, ever leaves any of them alone while they're in the house, but sometimes in dormont they find excuses to meet up and talk about things without him there. at first it's worry for how much they're hurting themselves, then concern for how easily, and then.

in hindsight siffrin wasn't necessarily suspicious, that very first loop, but certain things felt virtually effortless. like a slight attempt to make it seem natural was made solely so they wouldn't question it in the moment, but siffrin didn't realize there were any stakes. didn't know that anyone else would remember long enough to matter. and something is so, so clearly wrong.

odile one night at the clocktower finally, finally asking siffrin: how long? siffrin, caught completely off-guard, how long what? odile, not hesitating, how long have you been looping? the party probably hasn't even reached double digits. siffrin blinks. odile waits. and then, siffrin bolts.

the frantic search to find them. them looping back various degrees at random times, sometimes to the beginning and sometimes not, siffrin nowhere in sight for so, so long. it's terrifying. haunting. how long was siffrin alone? how long did they experience this for? they're family, they're supposed to be family, but they can't track siffrin down. all of the others together, terrified, borderline inconsolable, when odile raises a blade to her own throat, threatens to nothing and no one that she'll die. she'll die, and she'll come back. she'll know how it feels.

the way siffrin lashes out when they do finally show themselves, then. their fear their terror their frantic, desperate need to make sure nobody gets hurt but themselves. an argument that spirals and spirals until siffrin breaks: i'm tired. i'm tired. and they really do look exhausted. voice hoarse, pathetic, miserable, can we talk about this more tomorrow? please?

the others letting up. siffrin all but collapsing into bed, "falling asleep" almost immediately. they really are exhausted. how long has it been? the others talking for a while, no real important thoughts, no conclusions reached. falling into uneasy sleep.

waking with the sun. siffrin and the orbs are gone.

siffrin who has been consistently losing their fucking mind because they have to sneak away, now, even just to talk to loop, which is coincidentally when their family talks about them. because suddenly every single little thing they say and do matters, they don't remember what they are and aren't supposed to know right now and every time they slip up and forget or remember something they shouldn't, the others will see. they need, need, need to act natural but they don't know how.

feeling absolutely fucking disgusted every time someone tries to comfort them over their deaths because stars they do not deserve it, don't deserve the love the others feel for them solely because siffrin has been here long enough that they successfully not only manipulated everyone into liking them but also trapped them with him.

he didn't want to be alone. they don't. but they can not let any of the others shoulder this. they have to find a solution. they have to figure out what they can do they cannot let the others be hurt they can't they can't they can't. siffrin can be crushed or snapped or frozen or butchered, can be slaughtered in every way even by their own hands but they cannot let their family do the same. no matter what.

[allamericansbitch]

I think they think it's a dig to Joe, because of the whole pain and trauma bit as in he didn't wanna marry her, she was dying inside because of it and the relationship not going well so rumours of them being married caused her all that pain. It's not new information by any means but it just makes swifties enraged because he didn't wanna marry her and who wouldn't etc etc. Not gonna lie to you, seeing everything that happened since April and how Taylor herself has been handling it herself I would have doubts myself and if anything I don't think he regrets his decision at all. Imagine how much of a nightmare it would be if kids were involved? Would we have a Joe Jonas and Sophie media war kind of thing?

It's sad for me to say this but Taylor and her friends are in mid thirties right now and it's expected you have grown out of some high school like behaviours. Liking tiktoks and posts and trying to shade your ex is like...at this point one would know better to do the shit talk in private. There's also a big power inbalance here, Taylor and her friends are not regular people, they are celebrities so all these things don't have an audience of 10 people. Even if Joe said something, he has even less power in the public eye than Calvin so everyone would destroy him. He knows that for certain, Taylor knows too and is so incredibly shitty she's putting him in that position. It sucks that he hurt you, but he's also a human being with family and friends who hurt for him. His family also just suffered a family member's death last month so I think they are also not 100% mentally ok right now. You're putting him in a worse position than the one you once were in. Is that like some kind of joke to re-enact reputation but this time she's the one starting a hate wave towards the person she credited so much for helping her ride hers?

you know what's also interesting? Travis ex implied he was with her and strung her along with the marriage thing too. But swifties response is/was that he wasn't sure because she wasn't the one for him like Taylor is. And sure that could be true, but makes you think he did the same thing or similar to what they think Joe did or didn't do and in this case because it's Taylor and they don't think he can get anyone better than her you don't see anyone saying well maybe he didn't wanna marry her, because he was also not sure she was the one

the fact that they do not see taylor as a human and admit that she might have flaws that dont make her a perfect partner and joe committed the cardinal sin of not forcing himself into a marriage is insane to me, and its also insane that literally anyone cares about this. like move on. but sadly it's almost impossible to move on because taylor keeps reminding us lol. and she knows he cant say anything, she knows shes got an army of millions who are so brainwashed they cant even think for themselves at this point.

and their extreme bias toward travis is insane. they turn a blind eye to everything he does because they think hes a god or something now. if it was discovered joe was excited to meet trump, made fatphobic tweets, called women breeders, played for a racist team that vocally supported Israel, etc..... i have a weird feeling it wouldnt get brushed over like it is for travis.

[dwritesit]

cant get enough

its almost midnight but fuck it - rain comforting dewdrop when his thoughts get to him.

read it on AO3 or below the cut!

...

Rain watches Dewdrop with sad eyes as he curls up into his chest after a long, devastating cry. Dewdrop wouldn't let anyone else, no one except Rain, know how often he cried like this. It would come in waves, ebbs and flows of ups and downs, where things piled up on his shoulders - Rain knew Dewdrop carried the weight very seriously, never wanting any piece to drop. But it always did, and Rain was always there every time, even if Dewdrop’s mind would tell him otherwise. 

“Do you still love me?”

He pets at his fire ghoul’s hair, breathing in his scent, smelling like the cooling coals of a beach fire after the night has wound down and everyone has started packing up. It's soothing, Dewdrop is always soothing to him, even if this was his scent when he's feeling low, and Rain wishes Dewdrop could believe it when he tells him this. That everything about him makes Rain’s life beautiful. That he loved Dewdrop so much that he often felt like he was happily drowning in it.

If only he knew. If only his mind would let him know. 

Rain understood that Dewdrop couldn’t help it. They’d talked about it many times, how he felt like something had broken him after the change, that he didn’t know how to trust anymore. And Rain hadn’t known what to say then - Dewdrop certainly didn’t need to be fixed, and there were no strings of words that could make the pain go away. All he could do was stick around, to hold him when his mind was swirling with self-hatred and fear. 

To just hold him like this.

Here, Dewdrop was playing with Rain’s hands with his arms wrapped around Dew’s small waist as he held him close on his lap. He was always quiet after the feeling erupted out of him, like he’d exhausted every part of himself just simply telling Rain what had been bothering him. It made Rain’s chest ache, feeling the slow, shaky, rise and fall of Dewdrop’s body as he breathed through the tiredness. 

“All I do is take.”

Dewdrop often called himself selfish. He usually said it with a laugh, commenting about how he gets what he wants, takes what he wants, and then worries behind closed doors that he's too much to handle. Rain didn’t see it. He saw a ghoul that was… giving. 

When Swiss was sick, shivering in his room alone and pushing everyone away because he didn't want to be seen in such a weak state, Dewdrop had shoved his way in. He claimed he needed Swiss cuddles, that he needed attention and that Swiss was the only one he wanted. Rain remembered biting his own tongue as a few other ghouls told him to leave Swiss alone for a while. Dewdrop had ignored them and slipped inside Swiss’ space. A few hours later, he and Swiss emerged from the room, the larger ghoul huddling around Dewdrop for warmth as he finally allowed the others to begin taking care of him, looking better already. Rain watched as Dewdrop slunk to the back, letting Mountain take Swiss into his own hands while wearing a small smile on his lips. He hadn’t been selfish then. 

Did he not see that? Dewdrop’s empathy, though he tried to hide it behind false aloofness, was one of the many, many things Rain adored about him. He saw how he watched the others, absorbed them, asking them questions about their days and hobbies, keeping everyone engaged with his bright energy. If there was anyone who could cheer a sad ghoul up, it was Dew. 

Rain could recall countless times he’d seen Cirrus sulking in the mornings, only for Dewdrop to slink behind her, teasing her into a smile with his sharp tongue and a few loving touches. Or the many occasions that Phantom would wake up from nightmares, and Dewdrop who knew about such dreams better than most of them, would coax the quintessence ghoul into his and Rain’s shared nest, grumbling the whole way about how he slept better with Phantom squished between them anyways. Rain observed how Phantom’s ears perked up, tail wagging as he dipped himself into their bed, anxiety melting away at the idea of Dewdrop being the one who needed him.

It happened like that often. A ghoul in need, afraid to reach out and Dewdrop would build himself into a bridge for them to walk across in the guise of needing them first. Rain thinks its because its what Dewdrop himself needs, just someone to outstretch their hand when he's locked himself away and told everyone whose come to the door to fuck off. He needs someone to say fuck that and kick the door down. 

“Everyone would be better off without me.”

Rain leaned down to kiss at Dewdrop’s temple, purring low, knowing his mate did not need words then, just love and safety. Dewdrop slumped further into his arms, the back of his head against Rain’s collarbone as he allowed Rain more access to his face and neck. He peppered chaste kisses on every bit of warm skin his lips could find, brushing his hair back for more. He relished in the way Dewdrop was leaning on him now, letting him love him like he hadn’t just an hour ago.

“I don’t want to-” Dewdrop gasped for breath, “Don’t want to be too much.”

“I love you, droplet,” Rain whispered against Dewdrop’s skin, “I can’t get enough of you.”

Dewdrop shifted in his arms, leaning back a bit so he could look at Rain. His eyes were searching for something, scanning his face with a blank expression, tired eyes red and puffy. His lip quivered, and Rain quickly swooped down to move him so he was straddling his lap instead, tucking his face into the crook of his neck as his small body shook again with quiet sobs. His claws scratched into Rain’s back as he clutched him tight. Rain held him tighter, arms wrapping around him to keep him as close as possible while his fire ghoul, his flame, let everything out through gasps and tears.

He rubbed his back as Dewdrop’s breathing slowed, his cries turning to shaking breaths and small hiccups.

“You promise?” Dewdrop asked, his voice thick and wet. He pushed lightly against Rain’s chest and Rain let his grip go slack until their foreheads were pressed together, his hands resting on Dewdrop’s hips. 

Rain breathed him in, Dewdrop breathed in Rain. 

“I promise,” Rain replied, giving Dewdrop’s hips a squeeze as if it were a punctuation, “I need you, Dewdrop.”

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hello! I hope you are having a good day! I need some help.

i think I have trauma, but I don't want to take resources from people who actually need them, because I'm not sure. nothing awful ever happened to me, but growing up as an undiagnosed autistic is... not fun. and I have bad reactions to things that shouldn't be traumatizing, like, at all.

for example, as a kid, a girl used to yell and scream at me for missing goals at school or not being able to block them or etc. and nowadays, if I miss a goal or let one in (I'm still in school, I'm a teenager) , my chest tightens and I have to run away, and I'll usually have a panic attack or even start crying, because I'm scared that someone will get mad at me. and that shouldn't have been traumatizing, cause its so fucking tiny (I hope you're ok with cusses, I'm so sorry if your not and I inadverdantely made you uncomfortable) and who gets trauma from a mean kid at school?

and my family never exactly showed me a good model for weakness. weakness is something I avoid at all costs, and crying is embarrassing, and at the same time I desperately want to not be able to control weakness, to be forced to show weakness, so that someone will help, but I've seen tons of people talk about that, so I'm pretty sure that's normal.

another thing is the reaction I have to my brother having a cold or getting sick. I keep pinning it on OCD, but I don't think its OCD. for context, my mother's younger sister died of cancer, so it might be generational. since, pretty much, my brother was born, (I was three), I've had such a giant reaction to him ever being sick. Now, my brother is also autistic/ADHD (neither of us are diagnosed, but I've done tons of research etc) and I love him very much, but when he, or anyone really, but especially him, gets sick, I panic, hide in my room, cover my nose when they sniff or sneeze or cough, and even writing this is getting me panicked. I get panic attacks, dread going home, etc.

so ummm thanks! there's more, I'm sure, my parents were kinda shitty, but thank you and I'm really sorry if I'm taking up space!

(cant phrase things very well sorry)

Hey there,

First. Don't apologize for "taking up space." Everyone deserves to take up space. If you didn't, you wouldn't have been born.

Second. Trauma can come from anywhere, and it entirely subjective, and has many factors. Just because it may seem "tiny" doesn't mean it actually is. Something "tiny" could become huge with a lot of other factors, like repetition, lack of support, negative or disorganised attachments to parental figures, stressful environments, etc. Never discount traumatic experiences because they're "tiny." If it was traumatic, it's not tiny to you.

Third. "Who gets trauma from a mean person at school." Lots of people. Bullying is very traumatic. You're not alone whatsoever.

Fourth. "I don't want to take resources from people who actually need them." What resources could you possibly "take up" to where no one else would be able to get them? Most of the time, trauma resources are things like online spaces, websites, books, therapy, etc. None of those are only available to one person at a time. Furthermore, why do you think you don't need them? If you feel like they could potentially benefit you, then you are the target audience. Period. They don't care why it would benefit you. Just that it would. Take the resources you feel you could use. They're meant for you.

Last. Common does not equal normal. And neither of those equal okay. It may be common to grow up in a household that doesn't allow weakness. That doesn't make it a normal or standard experience, and that certainly doesn't make it a good model or an okay and non-traumatic way of living. Many common things are still bad for you. Don't dismiss it because it's a common experience. It can still be harmful.

Overall, take resources you need, and acknowledge your pain and trauma. The only person you're harming in not doing so is yourself. There is no chivalry or kindness in not helping yourself.

-Mod Night

[thedroloisms]

yes theres no doubt a large disparity esp on here when other communities outnumber this one in size. I mean to say the new wave over-saturates this behavior, when they all share the common mindset of "at least my guy is not as bad as that one" they conform to putting a controversy in the back of their mind because they never expect their guy to be subject to that limelight or little things that get dream lambasted for because they take part in it. Making sure their punching bag stays as that only punching bag. And seeing it happen to them is such a foreign thing to experience, so they have find ways to cope with it even if it means to drag a name that has nothing to do with the situation. It's my thought process at least that the critical thinking the general community adheres to will always be based on bias and malicious take-downs to make themselves seem better to a wider range beyond theirs. Its so naturally performative too, their statements have like a veneer of snarkiness to it that you can clock right away. Using "she didn't say anyone so we shouldn't speculate" and ignoring the deliberate details she dropped, makes empathy look like a smoke screen to deny or not talk about the person who everyone knows is in plain sight. I understand its a sensitive subject to most people but seeing the evidence of her spoken word be accused of being associated with leak stuff in order to blame something other than their guy is so disgusting. So thats why in this situation, seeing the stark differences as an observer, I can't help but laugh too otherwise I would go mad.

i'd say in my personal experience, older fans tend to be even worse about the "my guy is a good guy and better than dream" rhetoric specifically bc they cling to their experience in choosing "the right side" as giving them a moral high ground. a lot of said people are specifically even invoking dream's name in terms of decision-making in this situation, basically saying "ohhh this situation isn't like the dream situation, if it was like that then obviously i would've dropped him" or on the flip side being like "we can't be like dream fans, guys, we have to Drop Him and call him an awful inhuman monster #fuckmen" etcetera whatever. obviously there are plenty of problems with newer fans as well but i've seen pleeeenty of people acting in stupid ways who were specifically here for the allegations against dream in 2022 (including something i saw earlier which made me laugh a little bit - someone going "look i cant support abusers i used to be a dream fan but then the allegations dropped and i stopped supporting him because i didn't want to look bad :( i dont support will gold anymore but i will continue to draw wilbur soot" like ???? okay) - i feel like new fans are more of an issue bc they take this attitude from older fans and parrot and amplify it, but honestly i wouldn't really say new fans are the root of the issue (though obviously their lack of supporting a Bad Guy in the past factors into their superiority complexes in the present)

while there have been quite a few idiots making this situation about dream (some people outright accusing dream, though honestly i think those people were just trying to deflect the situation onto their favorite punching bag rather than making an actual accusation - and a lot more people bringing up the dream situation specifically to soothe their own complicated feelings because Obviously they care about victims and Obviously they care about holding Bad People accountable) - i feel like the majority of what i've seen from people other than the copium is just a lot of people going all :( support shelby #believevictims don't speculate, which is. wow. crazy to me as well to consider it leak to ... talk about literally publicly available information? like leaktwt is when you listen to music lyrics now i fucking guess.

you really, really do have to laugh, honestly. i didn't know what to expect from this situation but my god, i did NOT think it'd be this bad

[maxellminidisc]

Like you absolutely grow up way too fast when you have a sibling with disabilities because you either start thinking or are influenced to feel that you have to be a parent or a grown up to help your sibling when truly your job is to be a sibling with some awareness that your sibling requires different kinds of care. And that can either end up making you direct resentment to the wrong person (aka your sibling and not your parents for neglecting your needs as another child in the home) or feeling like you have to handle responsibility at the same level as your parents that they should be shouldering and not you, even to the point where like all the desires you may have, you may even believe you have to set them aside to be of help.

And it sucks cause growing up you feel like you cant talk about any negative emotion about these circumstances or your environment, especially feelings of neglect or isolation, without looking like a bad person, feeling guilty about having these feelings in comparison to what your siblings is going through, like you're being selfish or a brat, and often as a result you end repressing it and putting it in your head that you have to ALWAYS be good so you're not adding more burden to the situation at home.

And its wild cause like parents need to instead foster siblinghood amongst their kids, not making them fit into adult roles or worse, doing the opposite of this and leaving them in the dark when it comes to what their siblings are going through and ultimately making them feel like an outlier. This would be far more helpful in the future for all siblings involved given that a majority of people with disabilities that have siblings, end up with their siblings being the people who are most constant in their lives, even more so than parents because we unfortunately are more likely to outlive our parents. When we have the opportunity to have space and desires for ourselves with support from family, to have fostered lives like anyone else where we have the ability and assured space for ourselves then family, I think making the switch to being our siblings main source of support and care wouldn't feel like an extension of that environment of, dare I say, enmeshment? that can happen. And not to mention I highly fucking doubt siblings with disabilities appreciate that their siblings act like parent figures all the time when all they went is a brother or sister, someone who treats them like a person with their own autonomy that their parents can sometimes unfortunately fail at.

It crazy cause like I think now that me and my sister are adults we understand that WAY more than our mom does LMAO I sometimes try to do things for her from years of habit and conditioning to always be looking after her and she'll be like "Stop. You're not my mom and I can do it" or "Hey I need space, go away and draw or something " and I'm like damn ur right ok! LMAO started realizing I could be far more of help to my sister as her sister than as her psuedo dad and it absolutely is true. Because now that's shes dealing with trauma, my sister doesn't trust anyone else in my house with her feelings or what she needs, let alone her words except me now that I've slowly started to change our dynamic. Everyone has to basically communicate with her through me now that's she gone non verbal with most people.

[juni-ravenhall]

a story or small book or a poem about stuff i thought about

i didnt have any responsible adults in my entire life. i dont have any still now, when im a disabled adult living in poverty. i think a lot about how nice it would be to find some lonely old middle class people who take a liking to me and adopt me as their kid or grandkid since theirs doesnt talk to them much. how much it would help me to have support from anyone.

i was the most bullied kid in my entire elementary school. i never thought of it that way until recently when i randomly said it out loud during a convo on some related topic. after elementary school i was still bullied and isolated and judged, but not always the no.1 victim. i have a lot of damage from how bullied and alone ive always been, including how isolated i am now. i had friends sometimes, but i lost them.

i live in poverty and cant afford a dishwasher or a good bed. my back hurts a lot on top of my other illnesses. i have to wash a lot of dishes and cook a lot of food alone. the bed is uncomfortable. it hurts my back. when my back hurts, it makes it harder to focus, or rest. it makes everything harder than it already is. i cant really think at all on the days when the pain is worst. i stretch. i try. but im also stuck without money inside a small apartment in a bad neighbourhood, and its hard to feel the motivation to do anything.

the wellfare system and the healthcare system doesn't care to help me get healthy. i'm supposed to simply "find a job", even though my resumé is empty with an unexplainable gap of a decade. i dropped out of uni maybe 3 or 5 times. i dont have a degree. i barely made it through highschool. i didnt know that it was mental illness and symptoms of the abuse. i didnt understand that until i was over 20. i still didnt understand that when i tried to do uni, over and over. i kept trying because i am a hopeful person. i tried to learn alone and create alone, too, because i had hope. but hope doesn't get you anywhere if you don't have any support. i know that now.

i think about that im smarter and more knowledgeable and more effective than most people ive ever met who earn 30k sek a month. like the people who yell at me from the wellfare office for asking questions. or the doctors who conclude that i require no treatment despite my obvious disability. or the people making videogames who dont understand anything about game design. i do understand it and i could teach them so much in one hour, if they talked to me. i could make someone a master artist if i taught them for a few weeks. i am fluent in english on top of my native language and understand linguistics and etymology really well. i can read and write in 4 different alphabets at least. one time i composed an original piece of music for my sibling's school project in the span of a few hours of a night, and they told me everyone in their group was amazed that i made something unique for them, from scratch, that quickly.

i don't think that i'm less capable or less skilled or less intelligent or less rational or less efficient, than middle class people. i don't have any proof that this would be the case. the thing i do have proof of is that i have a lot of struggles that come from being a childhood and adulthood abuse victim and bully victim with no support network, with no help, with no money to ask for help. maybe i wouldn't be this damaged today if i had had 15k sek a month for a few years.

i wouldnt even know how to spend 30k sek a month. well, that's not true. i would save it for the future, to stay safe, while also donating to people in my communities, like my tumblr dashboard. that person that often struggles with rent and meds. that person that does emergency commissions. that person with a sick cat. those people, i would give 1000kr each of my 30.000kr salary. if i gave 1000kr to three different poor people every month, i would still have 27.000kr. if my rent and bills were around 10000kr (in a nicer place than now), and i eat food and use hygiene products for around 3000kr, and i buy meds and clothes and bus tickets and small things for around 2000kr, i would still have 12.000kr left. thats pretty much just completely insane. if i saved 12k sek every month, i would have saved more than 100.000kr in one year from my salary, and still given away 1000kr every month to three poor people, and still been able to live happily with food, medicine, bus tickets and cinema visits, and warm clothes in my size.

i could save 12k sek a month, or i could use 2000kr more, to give 1000kr more to two more poor people. for a total of 5 different struggling humans who i could give 1000kr each month. and still save 10.000kr for my future safety. every month. more than 100.000kr savings a year.

the people who earn 30k sek a month in sweden are earning relatively small salaries. there are many who earn 35k, or even 40k, or even more than that. they don't usually give 1000kr a month to 5 different poor people. they also don't usually get therapy, which they can afford, although some do. if i had 10.000kr left just for savings every month, i would get horse therapy, every week. but i might not even have to use the 10k for that. i might be able to cover that partially with the 2000kr i calculated for other spendings. i would be really happy if i could get horse therapy every week.

if you are middle class, you don't live in the same world we do, i don't think. i don't really understand how it works anymore. if you could give 1000kr to 3 or 5 starving people every month, and still save 10.000kr every month, and still live freely and happily and healthily yourself every month. why would you not do that? i think that's why they say "poor people stay poor because we give money away". when we have it, we share it, because we understand how valuable even the smallest sums are. but it's still hard for me to understand how people earning 30k+ sek every month are the majority of this country and how the majority of people are not doing anything similar with their money as what i would do.

my skills, logic or knowledge don't earn me anything. because if you don't have a network, if you don't have support, if you don't have anything, you can't get anything, either.

my only way out is to keep having hope even though i've learnt that hope doesn't actually help me at all, beyond keeping me from killing myself, sometimes. mostly it's the fact that yasmin would be alone that keeps me from it though. because she also has no support, she also doesn't have anything. at least we are together, in the cold without proper winter clothes. at least we are together, when the drug addicts are banging on our window at 4am. at least we are together, wondering how to ever find any means of employment, in a system that's built against us. how to find support in a society where middle class people will tell you that you aren't trying hard enough, while they don't know even how much 100kr is.

112kr is bus tickets back and forth to downtown for two people. that means we can go windowshopping together, or to the library, but we can't buy anything. 200kr means we can go downtown *and* buy a small trinket or a snack. 500kr, means we can go downtown and buy a piece of second hand clothing, or go to the cinema together, or eat a restaurant meal together, one of those things.

1000kr to a poor person every month can help them buy their meds. pay their rent. or to go to the cinema to cheer up, because sitting in a cold small apartment in a bad neighbourhood can make you feel really bad. it doesn't make it easier to work, or easier to study, or easier to get healthier and move up in society. it's really hard to make a "class journey upwards". middle class people seem to not realise that they've been fed propaganda about poor people. i can understand that the upper classes don't know and don't care, because they are horrible unempathetic people all throughout. if you have that much money and don't help the ones less fortunate, or fight the system for us and with us, there is no redemption.

but middle class people, for some reason, it feels as if you should know. as if you should understand how much 100kr is, or how much 1000kr is, or how much 10.000kr is. because you are only one car accident or one severe health problem away from starting to trickle down in class. well, that wouldn't be enough if you have a support network, or if you have a lot of savings, or if you have a loaded family. but over time, with long-term disability, you might lose your middle class. or maybe your sibling does, or your best friend.

it feels as if it shouldn't be that far away from you, that you can't imagine, that you can't understand that some of us right here around you, in your communities, would have our lives changed by having even half of your money every month. the fact that you don't even have to donate a few 100s "instead of" saving it, or "instead of" spending it on games, or on netflix, or on restaurants. you can spend 1000kr on 5 different poor people each month and still have 10.000kr left over just for savings, or for as many gacha tickets as you want, or for trips to spain, if you prefer.

middle class and upper class people's ability to be patrons to those stuck in lower classes without losing any of their own priviledges is just very interesting. i've seen middle class people tell lower class people that their commissions are too expensive. but if you earn 30k sek a month, paying 1000kr for one single commission is actually more or less nothing to you, on average. the same goes for buying products not made in sweatshops. if you have 10.000sek left to save every month, i think you can afford to not support fast fashion, or fast food. poor people are being exploited, ruined and killed to create those products. not for any fault of their own, but because they were born unfortunate. and poor people on your dashboard are unable to pick up their medicines or pay their rents or buy food and warm clothes, not for any fault of their own, but because they were born unfortunate.

we were born without support networks, without responsible and healthy adults around us. we were bullied and isolated in school. we didn't have the opportunity to make "class journeys upward", because we didn't get healthcare or wellfare or other support to help us get through school, or to help pay for it. we didn't have any energy or ability to "network" and lick boots and kiss ass to get special treatment from richer people, even if we wanted to. the bullying and the abuse gave us PTSD, social phobias. reclusiveness. somehow they really don't understand how hard it is to create a network out of nothing, if you have damage from abuse and bullying. how it's not actually your fault that you don't have support. how it's not your fault you didn't just "get better", when the systems are built against you.

i've been a "free psychologist" to many people online for many years. people tell me "nobody understood me that well before", or "wow, that really changed my life". but i'm actually very tired of being a good therapist for no rewards other than seeing people feel better. no payment. and every time i play a videogame, i imagine i could have a sit-down with the developers and outline to them every single thing they could do to improve the game and sell more copies and have happier players. it comes very easy to me. but there is no way to just become a paid psychologist or a videogame fixer out of an empty resumé. i am not able to try to get a uni degree again, because then i would have no money at all for food and rent. so i am here with my empty resumé, without any support, without warm winter clothes in my size. without 1000kr to give to 3 or 5 poor people every month, and 10.000 for savings, for a safe future.

i really don't know what to do anymore, and i don't know how i will ever be able to take a middle class person seriously ever again, either. not if they earn more than 25k sek a month. below that, maybe they still know what 100kr is worth. i'm not sure. but the majority of sweden's working population earns a lot more than that, and has a university degree, because they weren't fucked up so bad that they couldn't finish school. nowadays, i side-eye everyone i see outside, and wonder if they know how much 100kr is worth. i don't think the drug dealers and users in this neighbourhood know how much 100kr is worth. i wish i could have gone into drug dealing, or into drug using. even just drinking. that's what everyone else does in this social class, for a reason. i just had hope that things could be different some day. that if i was responsible and kept trying, things could get better. it doesn't. i don't know if it matters if i spent my wellfare allowance on food or on drugs, or videogames. i don't know if my life will ever get any better regardless. but i spend it on food and medicine and hygiene products, because i have always been responsible, even though it has gotten me nowhere.

another job i could do would be to give middle class and rich people advice on how to spend their money. i would help them both save and invest properly with my knowledge and logic, as well as spending on a healthy mature life for themselves, and investing in their own happiness as well as their family and community's happiness. i could do all of that. it comes easy to me. i think i could be a counsellor. i could be a game designer. i could teach people how to be great artists. i could teach people how to improve themselves. or i could make music and some people would enjoy it enough to pay me for it. there are really many jobs that would come easy to me. everywhere around me that i look, i see people who don't understand as much about the world as i do. who don't know how to improve or how to move forward, when i can see it easily. i don't think that i'm lesser than people who earn 30.000kr a month. i heard that they take coffee breaks and smoking breaks. i heard that they go get sushi for lunch. i heard that you actually even get extra money for healthcare and other things through benefits of your work. i don't know why they don't know how much 100kr is worth.

the doctors told me that there is nothing they can do to help me, but if i pretend that i have autism, i might be able to get more help. because there are systems in place in sweden for people who have autism, and there might be ways for me to get more support and more different kinds of help that way. but i am a responsible person, and i felt that it would be wrong to pretend to have autism if i don't. the help that they said might be possible is also just a "might" or a "maybe". i think i would pretend to have autism if they told me that i would get 30.000kr a month by getting a job through a special programme for autistic people. but i don't know if anything like that would ever happen, so i don't feel comfortable taking a gamble on it. i also feel really angry that the system is like this, and that well-meaning psychologists at the city hospital feel pressured to tell me that the only way they can help me is if i say i have autism.

the only idea i really have for how to not die is to eventually be able to finish making a serious videogame, all alone or with the help of yasmin, or my sibling, or someone i havent met yet. there are people like me, who are creative and analytical, who made very successful videogames alone or almost alone. and i think im a very good game designer, because it comes easy to me. i always know how to fix other people's games, even though nobody asks me to. i know what's wrong: it's usually the same few things. they lack clear direction, in gameplay, art, story, or in everything. they lack a clear sense of their target audience and their desires. they lack understanding of the fundamentals of good game design and what makes games fun and enjoyable and satisfying to play. they lack focus on making the core of the game strong and solid and focus too much on unnecessary things outside of the core gameplay and other pillars of the game. they lack skills in design, or skills in art, or skills in writing. which again comes back to lacking focus, because almost everything is about focus. it's about understanding what the most core things are, what is the most important, both to you and to your audience. it's about pushing design into interesting unique places, or about pushing boundaries for realism, or about limiting your scope to your resources and goals.

when i said i could make someone a master artist by teaching them for a few weeks, it's more or less the same thing. i would teach them that they need to find a core and find focus. they need to push the limits of their art and their ideas, and maybe the limits of the world and society. to focus on shapes and colours and feelings and pushing extremes, while also learning fundamentals of anatomies and perspectives and layouts just to back up the important parts. or if they just want to make ugly vectors for a boring company for 30.000sek each month, i would teach them to focus only on improving those skills necessary for that and to have a full understanding of what their niche means and what the market is like for them. i would also teach them that they can still push their personal limits and make interesting work even if they have a job making ugly art for a boring company, if they wanted to. i would teach them how to market and advertise their art. most of everything is just about focus and about cores and about disregarding useless things. those kinds of things come easy to me. i think it doesn't come easy to most people i see that earn 30.000kr a month. i could even be their therapist to help them stop feeling inferior about their art or stop having impostor syndrome. i understand how the world works and i'm able to teach others about it, if they want to listen.

the biggest evil in the world is expansion, the concept of expansion. our planet and our societies are going to be destroyed because of expansion, and we are hurting today, especially those of us in lower classes, because of expansion. the opposite of expansion is to make smaller and make less. the balanced version is to sustain. if the rich people stopped expanding, the planet and its poor people would do so much better. if we started sustaining instead of expanding, we would be good on our way, and if we started lessening, we could reverse most problems we have.

expanding comes in many forms, everywhere, all the time. when you want to have more money even though you already have enough to live a healthy, safe and happy life, that's expansion. when a company wants to make more money this month than last month, even though its owners have enough money to live a happy life, that's expansion (unless their only purpose in making more money is to help society in some way). when a government wants more land, that's expansion. i could really go on, but almost every evil in the world is expansion at its core. it's about someone wanting to get richer, someone wanting more priviledges, and that someone is someone who doesn't need it, someone who already has it. a company who already has it. a billionaire who already has it. a government who already has it.

i understand a lot about fixing the world. i understand that solving homelessness is possible and would logically be a good investment for societies. i understand that keeping people poor and exploiting them is a way for powerful people to stay powerful. i understand that nobody who has power or money actually wants to help fix the world, because it wouldn't benefit them personally. i understand that those of us who do want to fix the world never get the resources to do so, and won't receive funding from the people who don't want it fixed. i also understand that if i became a politician, i would get death threats. my life would be even harder than it is now. i don't have the option to gamble with my safety like that, when i can't even afford warm winter clothes in my size. it's also not the very easiest job for me. the very easiest would be game designer. the second easiest would be counsellor. politician comes a bit later. i think it would be nice to perform a job that's easy for me and earn 30.000kr every month.

i have a hard time focusing on creating things these days, or focusing on learning things that would help me, like programming. i know a bit of programming, and i know the logic of it very well. i could map out the way the code should work on paper. but learning all the phrases and exact ways of putting it together takes a lot of effort from me, and with my disability it's difficult to do that. i used to draw a lot, and i studied animation very deeply for some years. i read everything about the history of animation that i came across, and about all the fundamentals, the ideas, the ways to make good animation. different mindsets, some that i agree with and some that i don't. i don't think that good animation has to be smooth, or anatomically correct, or correct in perspective. i think anything can be great if it's done with a lot of feeling and honesty and genuinity. you have to have focus. you have to know what your core is, and what the core of your animation is, what the core of each movement, each action, and each scene is. the core of each character. the core of the story, and the colour palettes. the feelings and the motifs. i don't agree that it matters if its two frames or thirty frames. the part that's going to blow people away is the feeling and the extremes. the wild bold colours, or the extremely minimal colours. the massive movements, or the nuanced tiny ones. the ones that tell a story, or the ones that give you a feeling and a sensation without a story. the ones that are anatomically correct and twenty-four frames per second are never going to matter to anyone if they don't feel like anything. that's what i think.

most things are about focus and cores and about not wasting resources on the wrong things. it's about not expanding in the wrong direction. things that come easy to me. if i had the energy, if my back didn't hurt so much, if i could buy sushi for lunch, i would make the best horse videogame in the entire history of the world. i would get more than 30.000kr per month for it, and i would give 1000kr each to 3 or 5 poor people every month to help them with their rent, or their meds, or their sick cat. i would be the responsible adult in my life who has got my back, who can support me, who can help me, and i would be that adult for others. i would pay to go to horse therapy every week, and i would still be able to save 100.000kr every year, and i would be safe, and i would be happy.

[zhongrin]

I got permission♡♥♡♥

Alright so my head has been filled with many school au with the genshin man

Imagine a rival to lover where the genshin men is a transfer student and stole your place in the academics throne.

Also I'm soo sorry but somehow this turn to some brainrot dump, I swear I was just going to do some light brainrot but it suddenly became a whole hc instead (and if you wondering yes I have a bias I'm so sorry I can't help it when I'm thingking of any genshin men, my hubby he's always come up and take most of the brainrot instead of anyone else)

Alhaitham who's just causally take your 1st place and all of this attention by not even trying (man is already a A+ student, and bless with faces of art). Him Who's not bother with you at first, before you start to match his exact score, him who's annoyed that he has to share the number 1 rank with you. Him who like to see your reaction when he score a whole 0.1 point higher than you, it was a bother hearing your claim of 'I will take you down! You'll see!' Or ' hah, I'm just going easy on you!! I would've drop you to 2nd place if I were serious!' He knew very well that's not the case and you've try your best. But he was also the one suddenly become petty (being all pouty and more snarky with his word with you) when you score just a bit higher in some exam, suddenly he's is intrigued with you who label him as your sworn enemy, he was the one now to search for you (discrete and with a lot of fabricated stuff saying it's more easier for him to find you than "seeing you running along the school ground like a madman" for him) and compare his score with you. You wouldn't notice but in times you need reassurance he will willingly without a doubt, help you study in his own way of pointing mistake and make sure you got the right material for the exam(along with his little touch up note he slide in the material).

Now imagine a transfer student zhongli, he won't be in 1st on the very first day. But I can assure you it's because he's still trying to be comfortable with his new environment. Once he's comfortable enough he will start to climb his way up without a sweat, and you cant even hate him for it. Man is a walking archive, hes sound like he live for Ages with all of the knowledge he has retrained in his head. Zhongli will be the type of rival to step down if you look down after seeing you look devastated, but once you told him not to hold back.....he won't. A gentleman who will now sit beside you during lecture to help you beat him yourself, him who share his note with you when you forgot to brought yours, him who would tutor you after class (if you accept that is) when he realize you were struggling in one of the class. And you really can't seem to hate him for doing all of this thing, not when he radiates a innocent aura when he offer you help. A sign he's not doing it to mock you but simply just to help you. before you know it, you have become close enough to rely on each other, with you coming to him everyday to chat with him, listening to his story, studying with him and all sort of stuff. Before he know it he become attach to you, starting to calling you dear from time to time when your alone (definitely caught you by suprise the first time ( not him saying "why not, you are dear to me " in his handsome face and smile) you ask about the endearment he calls you), him having to always care for you and look out for you, and him beeming with happiness when he know you near with him, he's only wait for time for you to fall and show sign of acceptance to him before he can tell you what he feel about you.

Now for the worse type of transfer student, wanderer. He's the type of guy who will take the 1st spot because he can, the type of person who will not even give a care in the world when everyone is either flocking at him for his beuty and smart or hated his gut and blunt talk. Oh no, he has no interest in that, but then you came up to the picture, saying he was your sworn enemy. Trying soo hard to beat him in a test, talking back at his snide remark with other snide remark, challenging him to try harder when he realizes your catching up to him. Reminding him that he's not the only one who say something snide at people, having fun seeing you banter around with snide remark along with exposing each other flaw (in line of course, won't be there to say something that would hurt each other for real) for the whole class to hear. Oh he's very much intrigue now, not only you were now catching up, now he also has to protect his pride from your snide remark about him. He see you as his rival now, from time to time you and him would fight over who would get the highest score, who has grown taller than before (we know who at this point lmao) and seeing who has the better physics. It wouldn't get long before he start to anticipate seeing you all work up with his high score, or when you have the brightest smile when you beat him slightly in a test. Him who suddenly become more soft (without you knowing) with you, constantly tormented you for having eye bags while he look like a panda himself. with how he start to study seriously for you to not catch up with him, him who would scold mock you for not having time to eat breakfast because of studying while he grumply place a cafeteria meal in front of your desk with your favorite drink. Him who suddenly glare at anyone who talk to you, taking all of your attention from him, him who suddenly keep bringing 2 lunch when you stop bringing yours because you want to focuse on study, he who would grumble how he didn't have 2 lunch because he me made on purpose for you but because his little sister make too much ("why would I made a lunch for someone who can't even take care of themselves, hah! Be grateful my sister made a mistake! I'm simply treating you like a dumpster for my sister overflowsbad food" (obviously a lie ;) ) and he who would make sure you keep up with class with how he kick your legs to wake you up or how he would oh so gracefully lend you his note book when you forgot to bring yours. It was a clear image for the class how wanderer have seen you as someone more than just a rival, for now the class only have to wait for him to be brave enough to confess or you to finnaly notice and confess (the class even bet who will be the first to let go of their ego to finnaly confess)

crying and sobbing at al haitham and zhongli. esp zhongli bc that kinda sound so similar to my own crush-slash-rival back then sobsob.

we used to compete for 1st place throughout the years of school and i've only managed to beat him once - and boy that felt so good. he congratulated me and everything too so it was a bonus >:) the cutest thing was that we'd always sit together on classes (our school allowed free seatings) instead of sitting together with our friend groups and everyone would tease us for it but we never cared. he was super fun. we'd geek about FMA together and he'd show me his drawings and stuff. and he'd get sulky whenever another guy patted my head or pull on my arm and i'd get sulky whenever he talked to this girl who's also good at english to ask questions instead of me- jfc my romance life back then was so adorable what tf happened it's so dry now orz

(healthy) academic rival is my secret weakness aughskfjkdjdks these are all so cute... i hope yall who's still at school can have these endearing moments. ik the general trope is that school sucks and it's hell, and depending on your circumstances that's probably true. but from my experience, i still feel feel like making lasting connections is much more easier in school environment. i miss my school days. i hope you all can enjoy it at the fullest while you're there. you can't rewind time, after all.

[snow-shelter]

hi welcome to my blog. I am coin and I am a oscar delancey enthusiast and morris too when I feel silly. enjoy.

CW : death . implied childhood trauma . just general really dark things . intrusive thoughts ( and the demonization of disorders )

Oscar and Jack both grew up in the refuge

Oscar's mom passed when she was giving birth to Morris, their father always working. Leaving Oscar to fend for him and his little brother; so he stole. he stole things to feed himself and his brother- eventually being caught when he was 7 and being brought to the refuge.

upon arriving, he met a very upbeat boy named Francis Sullivan who had a very strange twang in his accent. Something certainly not from new york. Oscar himself had a slight hungarian accent, his parents both being immigrants.

Oscar and Francis were inseparable for years- stuck together like glue.

That was until when they were 13, when Francis escaped- leaving him in the dust. in the hell hole that was the refuge

Oscar got out a year later, and as soon as he could, he reconnected with his brother. he was ecstatic to have his brother back, explaining he was taken in by their uncle and got to work with the newsboys.

he complained about them, especially about one named Jack Kelly. the asshole, the one with too much pride and an ego bigger than Manhattan.

Oscar, not thinking anything of it, attends the selling yard the next day.

He sees Francis- and freezes. he's smiling, he's talking, he's not bruised and bloody- he has gotten taller, filled out, he looks happy. Oscar goes to talk to him, before being stopped by Morris.

"don't talk to that guy, that's Jack Kelly."

and Oscar, naturally confused because nono, that's Francis Sullivan- tries to protest, before Morris calls out to Francis as "Jack", Francis responding.

when Francis only merely glanced at him, not acknowledging Oscar's existence- that's what really set him off.

Oscar had always been firey, aggressive and have a tendency for violence- but never meaning to truly hurt people.

seeing his best friend of 6 years not even acknowledge him- lie to him, or the newsies (he didn't know what was real. was anything fra- Jack told him even real??)

seeing him act like a hotshot, like he owned the place- like he hadn't left Oscar to rot-

that fueled the flame so bad Oscar simply just couldn't hold it in. he began to lash out more, even going as far as to begin getting violent with the newsies- the power trip of winning. of being stronger, being in control- hurting the people Jack cared oh so much about, the people Jack had denied his existence for- he felt like he was in control. like violence and blood and pain was the only thing he could control in his life.

Morris is also violent and angry, not by nature, but because of his brother. because of fear. because of knowing he would not survive if he wasn't mean. bite or get bitten mentality

and also during the scene crutchie is dragged away, I like to think Oscar froze. as much as yes, he hates crutchie, he hates the newsies, he hates jack-

he freezes.

knowing what will happen to crutchie in the refuge. he experienced such horrors there, horrors he can never recover from- horrors that almost got him killed.

he wouldn't wish that upon anyone, deep down. as much as he played tough and let his impuleses win, he would never wish that upon anyone.

he froze and watched his brother drag this kid to his (what Oscar assumed would be) death. he wanted to scream, stop it, do something- but he couldn't. He just stood there.

Oscar was violent and angry in the beginning, but it just only really grew out of control upon his "betrayal"

I also like to think Oscar has OCD but everyone around him just thinks he's losing it. because. 1890's.

also you can't tell me Oscar wouldn't stand over Morris' bed shaking and fighting himself to not smother his little brother in his sleep.

you can't tell me Oscar didn't plan how to brutally take weasel's life multiple times

you cant tell me Oscar didn't have the most intense, disturbing intrusive thoughts

Oscar also dealing with compulsive repetition

Oscar would repeatedly count papers, stack them, open doors, do things repetitively until he deems it right. until it feels right

and morris?

like when he initially shoved crutchie and called him a slur in the beginning of the show, I like to think that was a power trip. he felt powerful, like he for once in his life, had power over something

not control, like Oscar. but power because the world continually makes him feel powerless- Like how the world continually makes Oscar feel like he has no control over his life.

[speak-now-girlies-unite]

?

the gifted kid burnout was strong this week.

i hate that phrase, because last year i told my best friend at the time "i think im burnt out." and she looked me dead in the eyes and told me that i was too young, too good, that my life was too easy for me to be going through burnout.

i think that's when i stopped looking up to her.

once i was talking to my "friends" during lunch, and somehow we started talking about crying on command. my day was pretty shitty so when i was the only person who could cry on command i wasn't really surprised, it just felt like crying. i blamed my ability on staring at the lights, and just being good at it, but on girl looked at me. and. she knew.

she wasn't even my best friend. my best friend was right there and she didn't notice. she was talking to someone else. but this girl that i'd had barely a few conversations with, she knew. she could tell. and that almost made me actually cry. i was so tired. so so tired.

this girl's my best friend now, and i tell her everything. i dont know where i would be without her. but this week was another hard week. i feel like im slipping into a depression or something, i don't know. i feel so numb, so tired. my math teacher takes forever to put in grades, so right now alot of my assignments show up as missing, so i'm failing her class. it makes me feel so embarrassed, so ashamed, but also i can't bring myself to care. im so tired. i want to scream. im angry, but im too tired to be angry.

i just want it all to stop. i want it to be over and done with. i want to be 37, living in a blue house with white accents and three adopted kids, and being happy. feeling free. at the same time i want to be 5, singing along to "party in the usa" and arguing with my aunt on pink vs. purple. at the same time i want to be dead, simply not existing. i want to never have existed. i want to not have to feel.

im so tired. but its not like im suicidal or anything. i've thought about killing myself, but it the way anyone would do when your friend nearly ends it all for themself. i wouldn't ever kill myself. ive got too much to live for. my friends would be upset. i would never find a partner. i would never finish writing a book, or influence a life. so im living. but im not happy about it. i just want to go to sleep, but i know that if i do, the morning will come faster, and i'll have to go through the world all over again. and again. and again. and again.

there's no point in delaying the inevitable, but i will anyways, because it makes me feel like i have some sort of control over myself.

one day its going to be over. just a few more years. this school year's almost over. a few more days till the end of the week. a few more months till the end of the year. a few more years till the end of school. will it ever end, truly? senior year seems so far away. and ill dissapoint everyone if i dont go to college. is that another four years? five? six? its so much. i just want to go to sleep. i just want to sleep in, and then crochet myself a top, and then watercolor in the sun. and then sleep. but i cant, and i feel like im dying. i dont want to die. i just want to get out of this cycle. wake up, go to school, go home, cry, go to sleep. wake up. go to school. go home. stress. cry. go to sleep. i cant do this. please, i need some sort of lifeline.

im so tired.