#I laughed I cried I want more
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hate going for christian weddings sometimes because i always see the prettiest women with the ugliest men, the sermon is always some shit about wives being slaves (but not like bad slavery, mutual slavery except the husband is a benevolent master which makes it okay) and making babies for their husband, the music is always lame, the mc is always weird and obnoxious, and older women keep fucking asking me when it's gonna be my turn and never take no for an answer.
#mine#personal#brief storytime in the tags#one of my family friends got married and i was happy she was happy#her parents are like an aunt and uncle to me#i was happy to share that moment with them#we cried and laughed together#and my friends#their other daughters were on the line and looked gorgeous#it was just beautiful watching us all grow up in a way and move on to “the next” together#BUT#im a pastor's kid#and my dad loves weddings#he drinks them in whenever he can now especially because they make him happy and he's had to attend a lot more funerals this year#he's been burdened a lot by how many people he's had to bury and how many hospital visits he's had to do#so i was happy to see him happy too#it just all felt so bittersweet to me#because i know how badly my parents want this for me and for themselves#there was a daddy-daughters dance at some point and i could feel my dad beaming beside me watching that#and i was a little sad about it because i was like im never gonna give you that#this could be the best thing i could ever give you and i will never give you this#i can never kneel at an altar in front of a pastor and swallow that sermon#i would never marry a man in my generation#if i married a woman you and almost the entire tent filled with people that watched me grow up would not attend#my happiest day would be another funeral for you#it was worse because im kind of a small celebrity in this community because of my parents and their siblings who are politicians#so people i barely knew kept coming up and asking me when it would be my turn and how they so looked forward to the day#and i was like i love that we're a community here and i missed the pestering of aunts since i left church#but at the same time i was glad to remember why i left#there is no freedom to be myself at all with them because all they do is project their beliefs and ideas on me because that's what children
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I just. I love my dad so much guys
#MAN OF ALL TIME he's so fuckin rad#he came over to help me set up my desktop (got a pc btw) and funniest man in existence here he touched my desk saw it wobble and went ''NO'#came back with his tools and an office chair for me because he saw the chair I was gonna use and went :/#this man brought over an ENTIRE TOOLBOX just for me because I cannot for the life of me find where the old one went and just. fixed the des#that I had been struggling with for about eight months at this point. in like twenty minutes. and then set up my desktop for me#he also brought over a webcam and microphone without any sort of promoting just because he knows I do discord calls with my friends and gf#also I dug out the instructions for the desk and before I could even hand him the paper he was like ''so this is how we fix this''#and then fixed it and was like ''yeah you did that wrong but you were close''#and then was like ''dont buy furniture and stuff without letting me know first what you want I'll keep an eye out''#and I was laughing being like ''I didn't want to come to you every time I need something because I want you to see me as independent''#and he went ''you live by yourself of course I see you as independent'' and my bitches the way I almost cried right there#just. idk something something the way my families love languages have always been acts of service and gift giving#and my dad insisting I should rely on him more and giving me stuff I wanted but don't have without EVER TELLING HIM I wanted said things#just. my dad is so cool guys#sorry I saw my computer set up vibing on my desk and got completely overwhelmed#ignore me#not marvel related
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I’m going to be very transparent for a sec. I’ve had two alcohol induced psychosis events happen to me in the past week where I attempted to harm myself and ended up talking to police officers. I’m a recovering alcoholic that tries really really hard but keeps relapsing. I’ve tried AA and therapy and nothing is helping because they keep telling me to look for “my higher power” and I’m not gonna lie, in my opinion, that shit is wack. I’m struggling a lot and faith is the last thing on my mind. Anyways, I wanted to make this post to thank y’all for being one of the main sources of happiness and support for me. I don’t get a lot of people outside of this community that reach out to me when im hurting so im very grateful to have y’all in my silly little phone. I promise I will be back to making mods and what not soon but I’ve been really enjoying making music, it feels almost therapeutic. But yeah, thanks for being here for me y’all. I love you guys.
#the police officer last night was surprisingly very friendly and even made me laugh#I’m glad I’m still here and I’m going to make things right for myself because there’s so much more in this world that I want to live for#suicide tw#tw sui attempt#tw self harm#tw#tw alchohol mention#tw alcohol#also I couldn’t make myself go to the psych ward because I needed to stay home to take care of the kitten#I was bawling my eyes out because I felt so guilty about even thinking of having someone else take care of him#he’s so bonded to me that he cries for me when someone else holds him#I just couldn’t#also the psych ward sucks#and I’m not knocking it entirely but#it really is a last resort thing for me now#after being in one that drugged me up on Ativan and took me off my heart meds to the point where I didn’t remember it#a whole ass week I have no recollection of
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I saw Seiji will be in next week episode so I got too excited and happy that my pain became worse even tho I was happy thinking it calmed down 😅
Since I'm not too fine that I had to withhold watching the episode till I feel a bit better but then I saw it and saw Seiji and ... yup 😂
Even getting happy or too excited can backfire on me very nicely 🤷♀️
It's kinda sad that alot of times I have to stay away from things that makes me happy or excited because if I get overlly so then it can make my health feel worse than it already is .. even tho I tend to search for something to distract me from this pain etc but oh well 🫠
Anyway, Baka Seiji baka Seiji BAKA SEIJI !!!
#the struggle to even enjoy something or keep myself in check while doing so 😂#I don't mind much .. I'm pretty used to this ... I can't do something about it so at least won't let it get me depressed#although I admit I do get sad sometimes I even cried about it in the past but no more .. I now laugh it off#I may be slow of things ... or may not even do what I really want freely#but the fact that I can still do it despite it all is in itself a blessing :)#so that's fine ...#but still I must sue Seiji for what he did to me !!#but I still love you and you make me feel too happy !!! ugh but I wanna sue you for the damage#still I can't .. in fact .. keep it up ...#you help distract me .. ignoring the fact that if I'm not careful I might regret it lol
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#tw abuse#hi#im just lying down in the dark on a rainy day and need to vent here because I can’t get myself to journal#today i miss my mom so so much#I miss who she was before the drugs and alcoholism#she can be so nurturing and generous and kind when she’s not using#she couldn’t be the mother she was capable of being because of her addiction and severe mental health issues#I was emotionally and physically abused til I was 16 and the thing is#I don’t have hate or resentment for her#I only want the best for her#I just ache inside knowing that because she’s still in denial and addiction and we can’t have a relationship#I have no immediate family left and my extended family aren’t the nicest people#lately my ptsd has been triggered a lot and old trauma has been resurfaced#witnessing an incredible amount of domestic violence growing up still fucks with my head#it was so scarring#won’t get into details there but god it really did a number on me#the bottom line is I miss who my mom was before the alcohol and abuse#and more importantly#I miss myself#I miss laughing until I cried#I miss not running from everything#I miss letting myself feel#personal
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just finished listening to the attic liveshow and wow i really liked that!! it felt very reminiscent of old night vale to me, nothing too town-shattering but more personal (even if it did technically affect most people in town). my favourite line i think, and this is slight spoilers, was “abby and i would sit there in the dark holding hands, not knowing what game was being played, knowing only that we were losing”. like OUCH that hit me hard, especially because i’m a sucker for anything related to cecil and abby and their past (bc who isn’t) so anytime i hear smth like that i just want to cry and give their younger selves the biggest hug :((
other than that my favourite part i think was cecil and disparition just swapping places LMAO that was hilarious to me. it also made me wish, not for the first time, the live shows were recorded so i could see what’s going on. i’ve seen photos people have taken and i wish i could’ve also seen what was being shown on the screens and also cecil being silly on the piano. i’m sure there’s a practical reason it’s only audio recordings but as someone who is likely never going to see a night vale show live (australian city that nobody visits sigh) idk it would be nice to actually watch a visual live show
but yes anyways 10/10 live show loved it and we got to hear deb TWICE so that’s always a win
#anyways yea that was my very impromptu review of the attic#i just wanted to ramble bc i ended up liking that a lot#i have a few live shows left to listen to now!!#welcome to night vale#wtnv#wtnv cecil#wtnv the attic#oh and not to mention that little palmer-robles family mention at the end#THEYRE GOING TO GO ON A ROADTRIP TO MAKE BETTER MEMORIESSS i could’ve cried right then and there#jeffery and joseph’s bits also made me laugh#love it when they get to act in the show i hope they continue to do it more
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I'm rewatching M*A*S*H for the first time in ages and the whiplash of emotions this show gives me is always a trip
#spazzcat barks#m*a*s*h#almost cried during one ep had to keep myself from laughing outloud the next#father mulcahy is one of my favorite characters#i want him to pop up more often hes been very absent in season 1
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been telling my siblings 'you would NOT make it in vulcan academy' when they do smth goofy recently and nobody's been able to refute lol
#just me hi#listen here you little idiot... [<- fond]#anyway i've been doing this for months and it brings me much joy hbfhsvh#to me it's just an academy. with vulcans. and they are NOT getting enrolled loll#//so speaking of siblings i've been off and about with my dad more often#which is cool but that means spending a lot more time away from my siblings and ouhhrhrhrhrhrhrhhghhhhhhhhh#[tears in eyes]#my buddies :( Where Are My Buddies :( lmaoo#staring out car windows yearnily bc i want my brother's opinion + dumb joke combo on some random thought i had but he's miles AWAYYYYYYYYYY#i'm home rn but like. Man hfbhsfbvh#//oh man but here was one time one of them used the academy thing on me and i could only sputter. touche motherfunker lolllll#//anyway i am exploding all of them with my mind [<- endearing]#my youngest siblings do art (because they saw me doing it [funkin dies and explodes and cries and stares at a wall forever] lol <3) and#they're ! ! ! ! ? ? ? ?#leo does humanoids + has a more geometric style atm and it's really cool!! he keeps asking me to help him draw hands but he asks me at like#1 a.m. when my brain isn't working practically anymore so it's just me going 'yea and the thumb bone connects to the hip bone. +~Somehow~+#[mystery chimes]' and then he goes off on some sort of random thought and we are derailed forever hgbbfhsh#and ruff is so good at drawing animals it's insane. like have you seen this kid's cats they are Sick ! ! ! i genuinely did a double-take#when i saw her stuff a couple months ago loll#/and then my older siblings are v into video games#which is cool bc if i am ever bored they have like 5000 things that i can suffer on while we all laugh hfbhsfhv#i think i'm still helping test one of apollo's games that he's working on -#he's learning code and all kinds of cool stuff - also he's insanely good at blender like Woauhghsgh. wizard shizz hbfhsvb#+ reed helps him w/ that bc i believe he's the architecture guy lol :) - also it turns out reed n i share a lot of opinions on media and#stuff so that's awesome :D he didn't know what whump was but he liked all the points of it so i tried explaining that to him the best i#could hbshfv o7#+ chess has been trying to convince me to give him + leo a ~mystery~ story to play and i finally caved lmjfhsjf#he's real good at the clues it's going well :3 i am scared for my life HFBVhsfvh#also trying to convince him to play kartrider w/ me again cuz i have leo on it now and we need a 3rd okay-to-decent player in our soon-to-b#posse Loll :33 //i ran out of tag space... ouhhh..... okay then.. ciao ciao toodles :D
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I have two main disappointments.
1) I wanted to hear some of what Trent wrote, like him narrating at the end.
2) I did not want Beard and Jane to be together cause she sucks
#ted lasso spoilers#ted lasso#otherwise I really liked it#I laughed#I cried#I cried some more#I’m not disappointed#and we did get a lot#but it still felt like there was something missing#like idk that there needed to be just a few minutes more#I also just wanted more Trent in general#and to see his goodbye with Ted
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hii im prim. ! thank you so much again i really appreciate it <3
hell yeah!!! happy to help!! I hope you enjoy watching it, the 2017 rsc production was responsible for my cassius obsession, I haven't felt normal about anything in that play since I first saw it
#like i laughed i cried and then i cried some more#i made. oof. i made so many comparative posts bc of that production. the machiavelli/brutecass post is my masterpiece#if anyone else wants to watch it: my email is in my pinned post!#ask tag
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Which rage language are you?
open the floodgates
your frustration turns into tears quickly. the strength of your fury is so potent that it sets off the waterworks out of pure rage. you hate it, because whoever's pissed you off thinks it's funny, like you're not tough and you can't defend yourself. you can, you just need to get through the haze of emotions first.
Tagged by: no one. I saw @ashortdropandasuddenstop do it <3
Tagging: @izzyeffinhands @fxckin-blackbeard @blackflcgs @indestructiblelittlefuckers @tatteredxsails
#this is so accurate for Stede though#because he’s often thought of as weak and is made fun of#so if he cries out of anger they��d do exactly that: laugh and call him weak#he just needs to go through the emotions first then gather himself and then he acts#which we’ve seen in the show like with Nigel badminton’s ghost#I want to do more of these#dash games#about Stede Bonnet
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Eh, competitive ang nanay ko.
Walang makatatalo sa kanya. S'ya ang grand champion no matter what happens.
#that time when I was just asking to have more underwear because I'm a growing teenager and my baby bras are not helping anymore#somehow made it all about her and we cried because her life was so hard#I don't know man#you only realize you've been living in a toxic household when you start living alone#oh and that time when my sister's child died#and we were reminiscing her memories#laughing and trying to move on#and she comes in like how dare we laugh#and she doesn't want to hear us talking about her because it pains her#why did it become all about you again?#also that time when..
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konkonkonnichiwandahoi......
#stardust speaking !#post. emu#the intros ended up in my reccommended so i thought<3 why not<3 ill watch emus at least<3#the expressions they choose when she talks about wxs and the theme park......................;_;#ANYWAY i watched the leoneed animation earlier. cried. like a baby#honami.....................ough honamis character is so ???? not wanting to laughed at.......what is friendship even..........#'the only one you think about is urself'...........all i do is hurt you are u sure u want to take back someone like me.......#paraphrasing to hell n back im not grabbing the lines but @_@ honami.......i adore her.........#cried more cuz i rmbrd the event with the flashback where baby tsukasa. grabbed the dolls. and brought them to saki#but fell on the way so they ended up dirty#and he thinks she got teary cuz they were dirty. when IN REALITY...........#tenma family..............#also watched the area convo the other day where toya tells an that his dad was very fine with his choice of school#(cuz akito was gonna enroll there......)#because tsukasa gave his stamp of approval cuz its the school HE goes to LOLT_T#tsukasa&sakis parents relation to toyas parents.........
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I’ve been upset so I’m gonna vent in the tags
#I’ve been feeling really really lonely lately#I think my one irl friend is tired of me#I haven’t made a new friend in Three Years#nobody wants to be my friend#I’ve been so sad the past few weeks#at school everybody has somebody#everyone in groups and talking and laughing together#and I’m just there the only one alone#at work everyone paired off into groups talking when it’s slow#and I’m alone#I’m always alone#nobody likes me#on the bus I saw a kinda friend but she barely paid me any mind#and I just cried the rest of the ride#no one wants to talk to me or know me#i can’t do anything#everything I’ve been watching has been upsetting me more cause even the characters I relate to have people#I’ve never dated anyone before#probably never will no one would want to#people use to like me I don’t know what happened#whenever I try to talk to someone they just awkwardly brush it off#I haven’t been getting much praise for my art so I think it’s bad#I’m just so sad and tired and I haven’t told anyone anything#no one knows all of this is bothering me#just gonna cry in bed
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#tag talk#as much as I hate to see the social cinema grow as I get new followers. we're at a good and satisfying number. and I like that#also also also. I've introduced a friend to Hannibal (tv show) and he's loving it and I'm so happy cause none of#of my other friends have been able to stomach the body horror. so it's super cool to find someone to hype over it with#another random story that I genuinely can't remember if I said already. got told by a kid in minecraft that he's smiled a lot more around me#which. huge compliment. genuine honor to make people happy and smile and laugh#people don't laugh enough. we don't smile enough. be happy or die. and I'm too powerful to die. been there. haven't done that#cry and then laugh and then punch as hard as you can.#got to visit some of my favorite residents from the nursing home I first worked at. lotta new staff but my three favorite nurses are still#which is nice. I cried when I left that job because even though it crushed my soul I loved my coworkers and most of my residents.#I get why some healthcare workers grind themselves to the bone for the job. you're making such a huge difference in people's lives.#I tried but didn't have the fortitude for it. but it's nice to be able to go back and say hi to the friends I made and see how things are.#anyway. sorry for being weird like.. one or two weeks ago. I think things are settling out again. moving is rough but we're making it work#It's been a lot of Lear again lately. especially while being at my parents house. he doesn't mind being deadnamed as much sooo....#idk. at least one of us is capable of surviving the dmv and the state medicaid website. heaven knows I can't manage.#trying to stop using him as a crutch for getting things done has just resulted in us not being able to get things done.#but I don't want to be someone else I want to be me. I don't want to be the armor I want to be the human inside.#I don't want to live defensively. pushing everyone away. I can't do that.#anyway. we're back home! and work is on the horizon. hopefully this job works out cause I don't want to have to apply for new jobs.#the hr rep is a man at this store and I immediately got set on edge and our voice dropped as I stepped back.#then we introduced ourselves with the wrong name and he got confused and I just felt stupid about it#but how am I supposed to know which name he's been told. he didn't even use our paperwork name. Anyway that was a disaster#but we're on track and embarrassment is not a setback but a feeling about the way things progress. and it is progress we're making
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Let's just agree that people forgot that Jom Jones managed to convince hundreds of people to kill themselves and they lost sight of how cults operate and move on because at this point its like talking to a wall
Anon I know this is a serious discussion but i can't stop laughing at JOM.
Anyway i won't say that my lived experiences will ever fully replicate something like Jonestown, or indeed Scientology. However, something like trying to leave my own congregation, that did not exert as much control like those other situations, was still extremely difficult. My friends all saw it in real time, and the further I've since moved on outside that context I can really understand what happened to me. So it's strange to me, people think you can just leave a cult. Like a genuine, no one disagrees is a cult. No one is ever too powerful or too rich or too intelligent whatever to not be taken in by a cult. That's not how that works.
Cult leaders use their charisma to abuse people, and being "high" in the hierarchy doesn't save you from that abuse, it makes you a closer target.
People love to use the "You're not immune to Propaganda meme" and then say "I'd simply wouldn't join a cult" that's just not how it works.
#Nancy's Inbox#Anonymous#Religious Abuse#Cults#Scientology#Jim Jones#I've been out of the church for almost three years now and let me tell you i genuinely wanted to kill myself before i got out#Because leaving meant that i was a “bad christian” and i'd be like all the other's who turned their backs on god#That's what they do: they guilt your loyalty to the cause and to your principals#Even when the cracks start to show and you realize the people you are following don't have your best interest at heart#You've made your life there: these people are your family they've cried with you they've laughed with you#They've also hurt you the most but the religious leaders say that you must suffer before you can find peace or joy#And let me tell you: none of these people monitored my calls or kept tabs on my internet history or spied on me#But they played to my desires to be loved and wanted in a community i had been involved with my whole life#It feels wrong of me to say my experience was a full on cult but they're adjacent#They make the outside world to be a place where you will suffer more than with them
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