#I know that realistically I can’t. fix everything. I can’t solve every problem and some things are out of my control

[area51-escapee]

I need a way to fix every problem ever it is the only way to stop from feeling ill

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Group Discussion: We Weren’t Looking to Be Found

With so much focus on teen’s mental health these days, more and more YA books are addressing the issue and telling these vital stories. Stephanie Kuehn’s newest, We Weren’t Looking to Be Found, adds to the teen voices out there. While initially marketed as a mystery, we found the story more to be a moving tale of friendship and healing. Read on to see our thoughts of this compelling novel.

Dani comes from the richest, most famous Black family in Texas and seems to have everything a girl could want. So why does she keep using drugs and engaging in other self-destructive behavior?

Camila’s Colombian-American family doesn’t have much, but she knows exactly what she wants out of life and works her ass off to get it. So why does she keep failing, and why does she self-harm every time she does?

When Dani and Camila find themselves rooming together at Peach Tree Hills, a treatment facility in beautiful rural Georgia, they initially think they’ll never get along―and they’ll never get better. But then they find a mysterious music box filled with letters from a former resident of PTH, and together they set out to solve the mystery of who this girl was . . . and who she’s become. The investigation will bring them together, and what they find at the end might just bring them hope. 

Warning: Spoilers ahead!

First question - what did you think of the novel?

K. Imani: Honestly, I was a bit disappointed in the novel. Based on the synopsis, I thought the mystery of the music box would drive the story, but instead it seemed more of a footnote and was solved waaaaay too easily. The true story was of Dani and Camila’s budding friendship and the healing they receive at Peach Tree Hills. The novel then is more a contemporary story rather than a mystery so that soured my pleasure of the book a bit. 

Jessica: Agreed, the book synopsis set expectations for a more mystery/thriller-focused story, which wasn’t what it really ended up being about. I know mystery and thrillers are quite trendy right now, so I wonder if this was aimed at bringing in those particular readers. I did really appreciate the content warning at the beginning. IMO, more books should have them! 

Crystal: I guess in this case, it is good I read the synopsis quite a while ago, but then didn’t re-read it before beginning. I actually thought about it, but since I was reading digitally and would need to find it somewhere, I decided to just skip it and get started. Though reading digitally is also why I missed the content warning. I just checked, it is there, but because it’s on the page with copyright information, I just glanced past it and would have appreciated knowing what was to come. Overall, I found the book to be one that inspired me to think about my own past and issues, but didn’t cause me heavy stress so that was good.

Audrey: I was also expecting more of a mystery/thriller because of the setup by the prologue. Once I recalibrated my expectations, I really enjoyed the book. WE WEREN’T LOOKING TO BE FOUND deals with substance abuse, suicide, and self-harm in a sensitive, realistic way. I appreciated that both Dani and Camila had paths toward recovery, and that their paths weren’t linear. Some things in their lives can’t be fixed so easily. The ending was still a bit more abrupt than I’d hoped, but I liked the book overall. 

Which girl’s story did you connect to more, Dani or Camila?

Audrey: There were some moments from Camila that really resonated with me, and I was really struck by some of Dami’s scenes with her therapist. Dani could identify some of the issues between her and her parents, but she didn’t have the perspective or experience to be able to figure out everything on her own or how to address her own problems. Both Camila and Dani were compelling narrators.

K. Imani: I connected more to Camila as I could understand how she put so much pressure on herself, especially her desire to dance, and how when that was taken away from her she didn’t know how to handle her emotions. I really felt her heartbreak and how it just destroyed her. And how she progressed back to finding herself, but the end made me sad for her, but it was realistic. And I feel like now she has more hope, and a lifeline in Dani, so I loved that growth for her. 

Jessica: I think I connected more to Camila. The pressures she was under is unfortunately something that I think many young people can relate to. On the other hand, Dani was also a really compelling character. 

Crystal: I connected to both in different ways. I could definitely relate to Camila and her lack of awareness around her anger. Being able to recognize anger and seeing that it can be a good thing was something that I didn’t learn until much later in life. There were aspects of Dani’s experience that resonated with me too though. The distance between Dani and her parents reminded me of my own family. Between the two, there were many experiences and emotions that young people might recognize. 

I feel like this book does a wonderful “Enemies to Friends” trope as the two girls do not get along at the beginning and eventually do after being forced together. Do you think it fit the trope as well?

Jessica: I’d say it does to a certain extent! While I don’t think the synopsis and the story quite matched up, I did appreciate what the story ended up being. I’m always a fan of disparate characters coming together and finding ways to heal, so Dani and Camila’s story kept me reading. That aspect is particularly relevant, given how impactful certain friendships can be, especially considering how often you’re sort of thrown together with people as a teen. Friendship can bloom in all sorts of circumstances!

Crystal: Like Jessica, I appreciated this friendship. The trope fit and I liked that they were able to learn from and with each other over time. I like seeing how they warmed up to each other and were able to move forward.

Audrey: My favorite parts of an “enemies to friends” plot are when the characters have little moments of recognition, whether that’s a realization that they’re similar in some way or admiration for something the other person has done/accomplished. Dani and Camila had some great scenes for this, and I was very pleased with how their friendship came together. 

K. Imani: I agree, Audrey. There were so many great scenes between the two girls that really stood out to me and made me recognize the trope. I loved that Dani and Camila grew to understand each other and even come to rely on each other. I feel like their friendship allowed them to heal individually as both became sensitive to the other’s needs and provided support. Both became more empathetic as a result, while also realizing what they needed individually to heal. 

Generational trauma is hinted at in this book among both Dani’s and Camila’s families. How did that resonate with you? 

K. Imani: There is so much talk about generational trauma these days, but many don’t even realize how deep it actually affects them. Dani’s strained relationship with her mother is a prime example of how trauma can really damage a teen’s life, but Dani doesn’t realize it. It made me sad for Dani because of her hurt, she couldn’t see how her mother hurt and the sacrifices that her mother had to make to maintain her position in society. I felt like if Peach Tree Hills had encouraged Dani’s parents to be a part of her healing, Dani would have recognized how her behavior and actions comes from her family’s way of dealing with racism. I felt the same for Camila’s parents, especially her dad, after immigrating from Colombia and working so hard. 

Jessica: Oof. I’m so glad the book touched on this, and I would have been interested to see it explored even more. Generational trauma leaves such a heavy footprint on our lives, particularly given the legacies of racism and colonialism. There are so many things that I get frustrated at about my parents, or end up being mystified by, and sometimes I have to remind myself of what they, and their parents, and their parents’ parents have been through to end up here, and how that informs how they behave and interact with the next generation. 

Crystal: Generational trauma can do so much damage in a family and yet it does not often get untangled and explained until children have already been feeling the effects for many years. Most often it seems that young people don’t find out about these root causes until they are adults. So much of what they see as they grow up would have made more sense had they known earlier. Knowing and understanding can really help with parent/child communication, but discussing generational trauma is not an easy thing and sometimes the adults involved don’t even understand how much it is impacting themselves, much less their children or grandchildren.

Audrey: And it can be hard to deal with if only one or some of the family gets help for their mental health. By the end of the book, Dani is in a much better place as an individual, but she has also acknowledged that she doesn’t think her parents can be there for her the way she needs them to be. It’s likely that distance will stay until or unless her own parents can do their own work, and that can be a difficult thing to come to terms with at any age. 

Obviously the main theme of this book is mental health, what about Peach Tree Hills methods did you approve or disapprove of (based on what we read). 

Jessica: I feel like I can’t really speak to a lot of that, not having a lot of knowledge regarding it, especially as it pertains to teens. But I will say that I appreciate how YA books on mental health can serve to de-stigmatize the subject, which is so important. 

Crystal: I liked that even though some of the freedom they allowed there was a little bit of an illusion, they did have some semblance of autonomy. I also appreciated that while the characters weren’t anti-medication, they also did not seem to push medication as the only or best solution for mental health. There was some balance there. 

Like Jessica, regardless of the specific methods, I am thankful that there are more and more pieces of media that are encouraging people to think about and discuss mental health. 

Audrey: I don’t think I got enough sense about what Peach Tree Hills was like as a whole, but I did appreciate that there seemed to be an emphasis on individual treatment plans. What works for one person may not work for another, and there were a few moments where you could see that the staff was trying to tailor Camila and Dami’s treatment to them. I kind of wish we could have gotten to know more about the other girls at Peach Tree Hills so we could see how things were like for them.

Has there been a book about teens and mental health that you have really loved? 

Jessica: When We Were Infinite by Kelly Loy Gilbert touches on trauma and mental health a bit, and I’ll always shout out When We Were Infinite and Picture Us in the Light since these two books take place in a setting very similar to my own childhood upbringing and I relate to it so much! These books are must-reads. 

Crystal: I second the titles already mentioned. I would also add Yolk by Mary H.K. Choi and The Astonishing Color of After by Emily X.R. Pan. Adib Khorram’s Darius books are also pretty wonderful. In addition, I would include the nonfiction title (Don’t) Call Me Crazy edited by Kelly Jensen which is an excellent collection of writings about mental health.  

K. Imani: I absolutely loved I.W. Gregorio “This is My Brain in Love” that explored anxiety and depression and how to navigate teen life with pressures from parents, friends, society, etc. Of course the romance was sweet too but I feel like both characters openness and willing learn about what makes the other tick was what made the romance real and sweet.  

Audrey: I very much enjoyed QUEEN OF THE TILES by Hanna Alkaf, which deals heavily with grief after an unexpected and sudden death. Grieving someone can be a messy and difficult process, and people don’t all handle it the same way. In QUEEN OF THE TILES, the main character has to contend with panic attacks/PTSD and anxiety resulting from seeing her friend die, and it was refreshing to see how all of those things were handled.

That’s all from our discussion. Did you read “We Weren’t Looking to be Found”? What did you think? Share with us in the comments.

[ectonurites]

I know Jason "came back to life" in the eyes of the public etc but like legit interested in your opinion on this because I'm just confused and interested in how he went about that, y'know? Like wouldn't it take him years? And who does he get to confirm its him and not some rando? IIRC Bruce didn't know he did that until the iceberg lounge thing which is weird if his son came back to life you would think he would testify or something sooner? I just don't know how it would work lol 😳🤔

SO you sent me down a reading rabbit hole. 

The thing about Jason’s situation compared to most situations irl is the fact that since he genuinely did die, there was a body and everything. That definitely makes it tricky. However, even though in our minds he was dead a super long time since he was killed in the 80s, he was only really gone for what’s probably 5 or so years by the time in RHATO he’s trying to ‘come back’. It being not even a decade is in his favor (I haven’t found a ruling for New Jersey specifically yet but in Ohio for instance a death ruling can’t be overturned if it’s been more than 3 years, so less time dead is better. But Ohio’s the only state i’ve seen the 3 year thing for so working with 5 should be okay here) 

Most cases about people needing to re-declare themselves alive that have happened irl I’ve found are either missing persons who were presumed dead after many years being away (the base line is 7, some states have it as less though), OR the more common situation of literally just clerical error on this thing called the ‘Death Master File’ (apparently like, nearly 40 people get declared dead by accident every day in the US! which is WHACK!) 

The grounds Jason would likely try to use is that it was a mistaken body (so somebody else) and he had actually just been missing all this time, which would kinda be a mix between a ‘fraudulent death’ claim and then the missing person type thing. Fraudulent death seems to be one of the harder ones to prove (because most of the time this category is more for people who purposely faked their deaths). In general, the fact that this happened with him as a child rather than as an adult, means there’s less cases I’ve been able to find that are even remotely similar but it also might help him out since there’s less precedent and also it’s more clear it probably wasn’t a like ‘get insurance money/run away from money owed’ scam. 

However, identity theft with dead people is like, a pretty common thing, so yeah proving oneself alive is not the easiest process in the world.

But most of the like, ‘things that make being declared legally dead even if you aren’t a really really bad and a lengthy process to fix’ are like, money related (social security, life insurance, bank accounts, property stuff, etc) and for someone like Jason who was 15 at time of death (so not married or owning property) and money apparently does not seem to be a problem for due to his various criminal activities, these wouldn’t be anywhere near as big of a deal. Like, sure a little inconvenient perhaps but definitely not entirely devastating like it can be for the real normal people that this kind of thing happens to. Also, when he bought the Iceberg Lounge, he bought it out from under the fuckin’ Penguin, so like, there’s already some shady shit going on there, so even if he was still in the process of ‘coming back to life’ he’d probably have been able to get that all started.

Also the ‘confirming it’s him’ thing as far as I’ve gathered from what I’ve read doesn’t... anywhere say it actually requires he bring someone from his life (Bruce) to verify it’s him? It’s way more about the combination of your presence & the documentation. So as long as he has photo ID and like as many of his official documents as possible (which. sneaking into the manor to steal his real passport from childhood and other documents like that i think is absolutely something he could/would do especially since like, earlier in RHATO 2016 it’s shown Bizarro’s door thing can literally get into the Batcave. I think it’s not unlikely to assume at some point he thought it could all come in handy and swiped ‘em) he could get the process going. This might differ since he was a minor at time of death but again every real case I’ve found so far was dealing with adults so I’m not sure.

Getting the US government to declare you alive though, like, from what I read can honestly be done as quickly as within a few weeks OR it can take years (but usually the ‘years’ there is more figuring out all that money and insurance related stuff, which again, not as big a deal for Jason specifically)

Another consideration I’d like to bring up is the fact that being presumed/found dead and later turning back up definitely happens a lot more in the DC universe than real life. Like, there’s supervillain attacks and world disasters and shit all the time. I think that realistically in the DCU there is probably a better system set up than IRL for handling cases like this, which would work in his favor.

I also think that due to the fact he was a relatively known person in Gotham, and we know Gotham’s systems are NOT the most uhhhh ‘by the books’ especially if theres public pressure and money being thrown at them, I pretty firmly believe he could have gotten it settled relatively quickly.

In real life it would be a lot harder due to the factor of the body, since he’d have to try to prove that wasn’t him even though it literally was, but liiiike unless Bruce had cashed in big on life insurance and didn’t have the means to pay it back (which this happened years before he lost the fortune LMAO) he should probably be fine, this is a comics world where most problems can be solved if you throw money at them (real life’s kinda like that too of course but comics take it to an EXTREME).

I do agree that Bruce would probably need to have been at least a little aware this was all happening, but for dramatic effect since this is in fact a comic book I understand why they had it be a surprise to him. A panel of Bruce getting a phone call from his lawyer wouldn’t have been nearly as effective as Jason just suddenly being on TV. Also like, I don’t think it’s impossible to rule out Bruce could have known he was in the process of legally coming back to life but not have known he was doing so in Gotham, because Jason being back in in the city was Bruce’s actual problem there.

Also funnily enough one of the cases of a person I found who was declared dead but is still alive was someone with the last name ‘Todd’, weird coincidence world. 

Some further reading about real cases of people coming back / things I might have referenced but wasn’t sure exactly where to link along the way: (one) (two) (three) (four) 

[squiggledrop]

I’m Sorry - Spencer Reid x Reader

Masterlist

Summary: Reid gets shot on a case and is in the hospital. But him and Reader have so much left they want to do. So, living on borrowed time, Reader does all they can do.

Word Count: 2.7k

Pairings: Spencer Reid x Reader

Category: Angst

Warnings: Allusions to death, hospitals, references to major injuries, mentions of a god

Note: Could be read as a part 2 to Your Other Half, but doesn’t have to be. But you should go read that if you haven’t👀👀. Also, the italics are “Spencer”, but are kind of up for interpretation. Also, I’m like ✨struggling✨ so I just kind of wrote this and figured I’d share, but I promise I’ll have some actual fics soon. Also, just saying this so it’s said, but, this is literally just me ranting and believe whatever you want to believe because it is 100% valid and should always be respected. Last thing, title should be read in John Mulaney’s voice because every time I read it that’s all I can hear in my head, so I think you should too. “I’m SoOOoRy”

“Hey Spence.” Your hushed voice broke through the unbearable silence in the room, only mediated by the monotonous beeping of the countless machines hooked up to Spencer.

“We’re in the hospital right now. You had surgery and they were able to fix the bullet wound. But, the doctor said that your injury caused swelling in your brain, and if it doesn’t stop soon, there won’t be much they can do.” Your breathing stuttered as you blinked back tears. “So, I’m going to need you to try and stop it okay?”

You gripped his hand in yours, resting it against your forehead as tears poured down your cheek. 

“We always knew you had a big, genius brain. I guess we just never thought about what would happen when it got a little too big.” You let out a slight laugh through your nose, blinking away the tears in your eyes. “I always knew you were too amazing to be bound by something so nominal as a human body. Normally, every room you occupy is consumed by your warmth and filled with your laughter.” You forced a weak smile as his comforting laugh replayed in your mind. With a sigh, you looked around the sterile room. The fluorescent lights were too bright. They would give Spencer a headache.

“But not this one,” you choked out, turning back towards his unconscious form. “I miss your beautiful smile and gentle eyes because, right now, you feel so small. Your hand is in mine, but it just doesn’t feel right.” You cautiously stroked the back of his hand, examining the foreign feeling. “It’s too bony and fragile. Your hands are normally soft and warm, but right now they’re just so cold.” You placed a kiss on the middle of his palm before resting your cheek in it. The chilling of his hand burned your inflamed cheeks.

“I asked the nurse to get you another blanket because I know how much you hate the cold. She gave me that look we give victims' families when we have to tell them their loved one is dead,” you scoffed. “Sometimes it really sucks to always know what people are thinking.” You tried to calm yourself down, rolling your lips between your teeth, but it was no use.

“I really need you to hang on okay, baby? I hope you aren't in any pain, but I need you to hang on.” Despite your best efforts, desperation bled through every word you spoke. “I-I know it’s selfish, but I can't do this without you Spence.” With every second that past your throat constricted even more. “I know it’s selfish, but I need you. God, Spence, please come back to me,” you cried.

I always found that to be such an interesting term: “praying to a god you don’t believe in”. You closed your eyes, relishing in the sound of his voice. You knew it wasn’t real, but for now, it was good enough. It is used in literature and in modern music so often, and rightly so, but is never given the weight it truly possesses. Despite everything you know, all of the scientific explanations you have that can explain the world around you, when you are that desperate, you throw it all out the window in a split second. You don’t believe in a god. Yet, when faced with a difficult situation, and you have nothing else to hold onto, you immediately pray to something that you know holds no validity.

“Because it’s all I can do.” 

You are so desperate and helpless to the extent that you are praying to something that you know logically is not real, yet with every fiber of your being you are praying for its help. 

“Isn’t it just human nature?”

Well, some may say it’s humanizing. I would disagree. I think it is the least human thing you can do. It’s human nature to be curious and want explanations for the phenomena around you. That’s why, out of all species on earth, humans are the most advanced. They are the only species to change their environment to fit their needs. They have no natural predators, despite having absolutely no defense mechanisms. They have survived and evolved based on their thirst for knowledge and answers. But, when faced with some of the toughest situations in life, yet some of the most natural, they disregard everything they know to be true, and blindly beg for the help of some mythological deity. 

Death is a natural progression of life. We know how and why it happens, and we have formulas and data to predict when it will come. 

“But when it’s someone you know, someone you love, despite knowing everyone’s time will one day come, you can’t help but to beg for it not to be the case,” you pointed out. 

You ask something you don’t believe in, something you know to not be true, to change the inevitable. You ask something you don’t believe in to change precedent. You ask for some miracle, that you already know the minuscule probability of. 

“Is it avoidance?”, you genuinely asked out loud, missing the way Spencer was always there with an answer for everything.

Well, you know the science and statistics behind it. You know the odds are not in your favor. So, rather than acknowledge that and live with the truth, you abandon everything you hold to be true, and instead conjure some faith in a god you know isn’t there. I mean, is it better to have blind hope or just accept the facts? 

“Isn’t there something to be said for being optimistic?” you countered.

Of course. One of the amazing laws of our natural world is that nothing is impossible. Sure, if you keep shoving your hand at the wall enough times, statistically speaking, eventually your hand will have the exact orientation to go between all the atoms perfectly, and your hand will go through the wall. But, if I were to ask you to believe that I could do it, would you? 

“No,” you replied.

Of course not. Because it’s illogical. So then, why is your immediate reaction to devastating information to refuse it and do something illogical? 

“Is it to feel useful?”

You know the statistics. Realistically, you know there is nothing you can do to change the outcome. But, it is human nature to try and come up with solutions to our problems. After having exhausted all other possibilities and coming up empty, you persist. You don’t give up. Even if you know it’s nonsensical, you still need to feel as though you are trying. But that’s the operative part: feel as though. Is it human inclination to want to try and solve the problem and contribute positively to the situation? Or is it a selfish need to not feel powerless? 

“There is nothing worse than feeling as though you have no control. When everything you love has been taken from you, and you are desperate for any solution to your problem, it makes sense that one would try all their options, no matter how unlikely, because you still have to at least try.”

But, it’s important to remember that no matter how many times you shove your hand at the wall, you will always end up hurt before it goes through. You let out a small smile, pondering his words.

“Is it a reminder, that despite how much we claim to know and understand about the universe, that we know practically nothing?”

Ah, therein lies the beauty of science. Every time a question is answered, it introduces a plethora of others to be figured out. Despite knowing the facts, you are reminded about how much you do not know. There is so much uncertainty in everyday life, and no matter how much you may try, life does not take place in a laboratory. You cannot control for all the confounding variables life has to offer. You don’t get to test your hypothesis over and over, tweaking your experiment as you go. You are granted one life. You must use it to its fullest extent. 

“Did you?” you abruptly asked.

I wouldn’t have changed anything, because it brought me to you. And you are my greatest accomplishment. You nodded your head, wiping away the tears that pooled in your eyes.

“Look, I may not believe in this supposed god I’m praying to. But, if she actually is out there, what’s the harm in praying she lets my hand make it through the wall? The worst that could happen is she doesn’t listen and I end up with a few bruises and a broken bone. Because, in the grand scheme, what’s a broken bone compared to your life?” There was silence, and you didn’t feel like waiting for a response.

“You are the kindest, gentlest, most generous person I know. Everyone has been through so much. I-it’s too soon. That's how I know there isn’t a god, because she wouldn’t be this cruel. She wouldn’t take you from us too.” In your mind, all of the losses you two had suffered over the years replayed. All of the lost lives, lost friends. “I always tried so hard to be strong for you. I tried to be there, and for the most part I was. I held you in my arms. I kissed the top of your head. I let you know you are so loved, that I was there and I would never let go, because that’s what you do for the ones you love- 

I know

“-but for every ounce of strength I gave, I lost a part of me. I still remember the day it happened. I remember the day we said goodbye, and I remember the endless months of hurt. But, what are you supposed to do when someone loses someone like that?”

Well, you hold them in your arms and let them know they are loved. 

“But I can’t do it again,” you practically shouted. “I can’t,” you gasped.

I know

“I can’t go through that again-”

I know

“-my arms are too tired and weak-”

I know

“-my eyes have lost enough tears-”

I know

“I-I can’t be strong for anyone anymore.” 

I know baby, I’m sorry

You let your head collapse in front of you, hugging Spencer’s limp arm into your chest.

“It’s not fair,” you murmur between broken sobs. “I need someone to hold me-”

I know

“-and I need someone to tell me it’s okay, because I know it’s not. Nothing about this is okay.”

I know

“God, would you just shut up? Just for once Spencer!” Your breathing heaved as you lifted your head, looking down at the lifeless body in front of you. “I know you know, okay? I know you know everything.” Your own voice bounced around the room, ringing in your ears. “You can claim that you have a formula for any problem, and sure, you can rattle off any statistic. But, for the love of god Spencer, don’t forget, mathematics was invented,” you spat. “It is a made up world that people use to quantify the incomprehensible. It’s a tool that was made to try and make sense of the chaotic world that surrounds us.” The volume of your voice shattered, and you broke down again, cursing yourself for screaming at your unconscious husband.

But, you heard his soft, knowing voice that you missed so much, try as we might, the law of entropy prevails, and with every negative delta g we descended further and further into disorder. One variable that does not have a differential equation to solve is emotions. That’s what makes us different. We care for one another. That is human nature. We try to help those in need and even if we can never fully understand the working of the universe, at least we can make a slightly more positive place. Yes, you can calculate the probability of every known outcome, but you are not a robot. We have survived because of our inclination to help others. We work together for a common goal. We love. We hate. We get scared. We get excited. We are shy and outgoing. We are happy and we are sad. But, no matter what we are, we do it with passion. We love so intensely that it physically hurts. We can feel such joy that it feels as though it is bursting out of us. We are empathetic. We can feel others’ emotions as if they were our own. 

“But, we can also hurt,” you chided. “We can hurt so bad that it feels debilitating. We can hurt so bad that it's easier to just shut off and not think.” You looked over his stoic face, desperately trying to picture his golden eyes through his ashen eyelids. “Yes, that means losing your humanity, but when it’s at the cost of feeling your world crumble before you, suffocating you with it, being a robot begins to have its appeals.”

I guess. You could hear the slight smirk in his voice. It depends on your point of view. You can have a reductionist mind set, and see the world for what it is: a bunch of chemicals interacting. Or, you can take a more philosophical approach and contemplate the meaning of life. But one cannot exist without the other. There is a nuanced duality that must be maintained, or there is no point to either.

You cupped his jaw in your hand, running your thumb over cheek. 

“Every time I see your face I smile. When you tell me you love me my heart feels so full.” You swallowed thickly, picturing all of the morning you woke up next to Spencer, never really knowing which one would be your last. “When I hug you, I feel safe. Yeah, we may just be a sack of chemicals, but I was lucky enough that our atoms came together in this specific combination at the same point in time.” Your voice squeezed as you tried to continue speaking, “And I know the probability of that happening is minuscule, so why can’t  this be too?” you pleaded. “I know it’s unlikely, but if I was so lucky to have you in my life, why can’t I be just as lucky and get my hand through the wall on the first try?”

Because you are human, whatever that means. He spoke as if it was the simplest thing in the world. No matter how hard we may try, we are controlled by our emotions. I love you, and you love me, and it’s as simple and complicated as that. 

“I know that every moment you are alive is a second of gifted time, but it’s still never enough. I don’t want to say goodbye. We have so much more to do. We have plans, and promises that still need to be fulfilled”

I don’t want to say goodbye either 

“This isn’t fair, we are supposed to have more time.”

I know, but I need you to be strong, for me.

“But I don’t know what to do.”

I need you to try.

“No, Spence, I-I’m letting you know now that I won’t be able to do it. I can't be strong again. I’m sorry, but I just can’t do it.” You cried into his chest, savoring the sound of his faint heartbeat.

“I’m sorry.”

You waited for a response, desperate to hear his voice for as long as you could. But, it never came. 

“Hey, you doing okay?” You gasped, lifting your head and looking around the room. Your eyes fell on Derek in the doorway. “I thought I heard you talking, are you okay?” Concern laced his brow as he looked at you.

“Y-yeah, I’m as fine as I can be,” you reassured, wiping your eyes. He nodded and gave you a sympathetic smile. You watched as he turned to leave, going back to the others in the waiting room. You let out a helpless breath, your eyes falling back onto the man that lay beside you. 

Yes, you are human. And as tears roll down your face, and helplessness courses through your veins, you will continue to pray to a god you don’t believe in, because what else are you supposed to do?

[c-is-for-circinate]

So as close as I am to fully escaping Hades for the first time, I figure I might take this opportunity to write down a couple of things I'm scared of from this ending. The story is so good so far! But I have seen good stories before! And there are patterns, right, patterns it's so easy for even good stories to fall into, so yeah, I have fears, and they mostly come down to Hades himself.

(Yep, this one got long again! People seem to be enjoying my game-reaction rambles, so, for your enjoyment under the cut: themes of separation and reunion, predictions for what Zagreus is the god of, and a whole lot of discussion of familial abuse dynamics, how they're depicted in fiction, and the work it takes to change them in real life. Stay warned! Stay safe!)

(ALSO, I still haven't made it past the first couple of chambers in the Temple of Styx, so no spoilers in the reblogs/comments please! Yes, even though the whole post is me going on about predictions and hopes and concerns about the path the story might take. I WILL GET THERE SOON.)

It has been really interesting watching some of the stuff the game is doing with themes of parting and reunion, and how that corresponds to life and death. So many of our social links are about reuniting estranged loved ones: Chaos and Nyx, Eurydice and Orpheus, Patroclus and Achilles. Hades is estranged from Olympus, Persephone left. And every time we leave, or try to leave, it is both an attempt at a parting (and Meg and Than are so hurt by that goodbye, or lack thereof) and an attempt at a reunion with our mother. Every time we die it's a reunion, every time we die it's fun, it's great, we get to go back home and check in with all of our friends and be impressed by whoever made Employee Of The [Timeperiod] and sell fish to the cook and put down yet more rugs. (My Zagreus has something of a rug addiction. What can you do.)

It's at the point where I feel pretty secure in stating that Zagreus is going to discover eventually that he is both life/death/rebirth god, and god of partings and reunions. Both halves of both of those things. People leave each other when they die and re-find their loved ones in death; you go away from one group of people to come back to another; you have to depart to return, and I really think that's where we're going to end up with Zagreus. He's going to reunite his various friends with their loved ones, he's probably going to restore communications between Hades and Olympus and even Persephone, he's going to reunite with his mom, and he's going to come back to the Underworld before he leaves to see everyone up top all over again. And of course the vehicle for all of this coming and going is death, because death is the ultimate departure and reuniter. (This is absolutely a religious concept containing a whole bunch of "oh hey our culture has a lot of Christian influence, doesn't it", Greek trappings aside, but that's fine, it's a game made in 2018 not 300 BC, these things happen. They keep calling the Underworld 'hell' and 'infernal'. It's all good.) Of course he's a cthonic god. Of course he bleeds, because you have to bleed in order to die, and Zagreus has to die again and again and again. That's his whole thing.

Thing is, though, looking at those themes, I am also continually aware of the fact that some partings are for a really good reason. Some partings should not end in reunion.

Yes, of course this is about Hades the abusive dad. I have been talking about Hades the abusive dad basically non-stop since I started playing this game, where did you think this post was going.

There are a few things I'm nervous about, separate but related, and at the core it all comes down to, I'm not okay with it if we learn why Hades got to be this way, and Zagreus forgives him as we-the-audience are meant to do, and Hades promises to do better, and nothing concrete about the situation is forced to change. Actual, meaningful, practical, logistical, non-hypothetical non-metaphorical change, not just for Zagreus but for Hades himself.

Because I know how this story tends to go, in fiction. Fictional abusive parents (especially in fantasy/sci-fi stories) tend to come in two types: 'coerced their offspring into actual murder with a side of physical abuse and optional unethical lab experimentation', or 'this was here to create character conflict, we didn't mean for it to read as actually abusive, this parent just has flaws to make them a good character, we swear!' Hades isn't the first type--we have never once seen Hades strike his son, or anybody, or even come out from behind his desk--which means that the fear is, always, always, in every piece of fiction, that he's the second. That the writers are going to decide that the right response to his abuses is remorse, forgiveness, and one really good conversation. That they don't realize it's abuse in the first place.

And, like. They have to know, right? They have to. They can't have done this by accident. (Sometimes, writers get so close by accident.) They can't have done so well at drawing out this situation simply by going, 'well, people are meant to fear this god, so they'd probably react like this, and I guess based on what I've seen in other stories or vague acquaintances they'd then do this,' and never put the name on the situation. Every single time we leave to the tune of a Hades word-flash, he's being dismissive, insulting, and sometimes downright cruel. He is cruel. They have to know!!!

But oh boy have I been consuming media for a lot of years, and oh boy have I run into a lot of writers who don't know.

Reconciliation is such a loaded word, but stories about dysfunctional families really do love it. Stories based around themes of reunion are primed for it. And of course, it's nice, it ties a happy ending off with a sweet little bow, everyone gets to be with the people they love and the family is safe and nobody gets hurt, but so rarely have I seen stories that show the actual work required to rebuild those relationships in a realistic or meaningful way. So rarely do stories trying to build that happy ending actually let the victim of abuse set and maintain boundaries. The character never gets to actually just cut the damn ties to the thing that hurt them. The character so rarely even gets to be safe.

And it's so hard in this game specifically, because "THERE IS NO ESCAPE", because every single thing about this game says that the story's not over when Zagreus gets to the surface, that no matter what he's going to have to come back. It's so hard, because this is a game about reunions. I am not going to get an ending where the abused kid trying to flee his toxic home and abusive dad actually gets to leave and stay gone, not in this one. And that hurts (I have watched and supported and done my best to help multiple real-life friends get the fuck out of homes like that, and stay gone, I have seen how hard it is, how complicated, how awful, and there are never stories for that), but I can live with it, if I get an ending where Zagreus is at least safe. Where things change. Where they really change.

Which is why I need actual, concrete, material changes in the logistics and power structure of the Underworld for this ending to be okay. Understanding why Hades is Like That doesn't cut it. Remorse doesn't cut it! Because look, even if Hades wants to do better, even if he admits he's at fault and tries to be better, he is still set up in a position as an all-powerful tyrant, and trying to become a better person is hard. There is nobody around who can keep him in check when he starts backsliding, which he will. Even if he doesn't want to, he will.

Because people are people, and it's really difficult to break patterns! Especially if everything around them stays the same. Hades is going to slip at some point, be cruel, be callous, be tyrannical, no matter how much of an effort he's making. Not to mention, it is STRESSFUL to face your own crimes and improve, it sucks, it feels bad. And what do habitual abusers do when they feel bad? What's the only coping mechanism Hades appears to have established for dealing with his own shit? That's right, it's inflicting suffering on everyone else around him. (This is why it doesn't really matter what circumstances drove Hades to act this way, why it can't matter--I believe that he is suffering, but he copes with that suffering by inflicting additional suffering on everyone around him, everyone who relies on him, and that's still true no matter what made him feel bad to begin with.) So then we just get a great old guilt-->lashing out-->more guilt-->more lashing out merry-go-round of abuse even as Hades is trying to change. That's how these things work. And yes, change is possible, improvement is absolutely possible, but the environment needs to change first. The system that enables and rewards Hades for acting this way can't stay in place. Things need to actually change, with people who are around to support Hades in his growth and also check his power, people who have power of their own to stop him. And however it happens, for this story with this protagonist with these goals to feel like a happy ending, Zagreus needs to be safe.

It would be okay, though a little disappointing, if those changes were mostly based in magic and fate and, idk, divine mind-control. (This story has been so grounded in actual human dynamics that a fantastical solution to a realistic problem would feel like a letdown, but if it actually solved the problem I'd be okay with it, more or less.) It would be okay, though a little disappointing, if the responsibility for bringing Hades to heel fell upon Zagreus and Persephone, if the two family members who he hurt badly enough that they felt the need to run away from him entirely now had to shoulder the burden of helping him fix himself. (There are definitely ways to write that dynamic better and ways to write it worse, and I think I trust these writers to land on the 'better' side of the scale, but I still don't love the implications.) I think I'd be pretty into it if Hades took a vacation off to Olympus to Work Out His Shit with his own family, while a coalition of Meg, Nyx, Thanatos, Zagreus, and Queen Persephone took over running the Underworld in his absence. I think we might end up getting some combination of those things. I'm hopeful. I think these writers might know what they've written. I think they might have a sense for what it'll take to fix.

But yeah, I'm nervous. (Nervous enough that I might switch to God Mode just to get through, combat has started getting really tedious instead of fun, I want to know what happens next, and this is a game and there is no shame in making it more fun for myself by making the boring parts a little quicker and easier.) I've seen so many stories go wrong. This one has done so much to earn my trust. We'll see if it breaks.

[nanaosaki3940]

Enji Todoroki/Endeavor  - The Social Disaster

MHA’s one of the main subplots is the Todoroki family story which we all know it as ‘Keeping Up With The Todorokis’. This subplot is deliciously complicated and the root of these complications is none other than Endeavor or Enji Todoroki himself.

And I’m going to explain why I call him ‘The Social Disaster’.

After failing to surpass All Might, Endeavor started his stupid breeding experiment where he’ll create a child to use it as a weapon to surpass All Might and become the No. 1 hero and the first weapon he created was called Touya Todoroki. At the very beginning of the training sessions with his son, Endeavor filled Touya’s head with dreams of becoming No.1 hero, be greater than All Might, that he was the destined one to carry out his father’s legacy etc. And then one day Endeavor stopped everything and just gave up on Touya, saying – “No, you can’t. You’re worthless, you can’t do this one thing I told you that you’re gonna be able to do your whole life and so you need to just get the fuck out of my face. Stop doing it. Go be an accountant and just give up.”

From birth Touya was told –“You’re gonna be this great thing. You’re gonna be this Hero Hokage.” and then Endeavor’s like – “Oh sorry, you’re not going to be that Hero Hokage.” and we see that Endeavor’s spending the whole time telling his son like - “Go hang out with your friends and go be normal.” And Touya says – “Well, everyone at school wants to be a hero too.” To me, it’s kinda looping back into Deku’s situation in reverse, like where Deku wanted to become a hero but he was quirkless and Touya also wanted to be a hero, but he can’t tolerate his own flames.

And then Endeavor came up with this shitty idea like – “Oh, you know what will make him stop, if you get him a fucking replacement.” which is maybe the worst idea I’ve heard in my whole life of how to resolve a problem like this.

To me, Endeavor has seemingly no understanding of how people work beyond just – “Oh, this is how I solve criminal cases.”

During his engagement with Rei, he looks and talks like such an awkward idiot and I feel like the way he treats Touya and the way he tries to handle his situation, just proves that how bad he is in understanding what he is doing and how his intentions affects reality.

Even though he is a grown-ass adult and he should know, it's interesting to see that there is this sort of consistency because I believe the implication is that it is his social idiocy that also caused him the No. 1 spot that he could never really become the people's man like All Might because he just doesn't know how to be a man of the people like All Might. And this is how it infects all parts of his life.

He's telling Touya to stop out of concern for him like – “You need to stop this because it's just not good for you.”, which is a very sweet sentiment. But at the same time, we get the panel of where he says – “We got to have another kid to make him stop doing it because then he will give up.” And Rei says –“No, we're not going to do that.” And his response is –“No, we gotta do it because he is never gonna be the one to surpass All Might.”

Then they have Natsuo and we see Touya’s reaction to it and it’s obviously that he’s not taking it very well and then we just see Endeavor getting more and more angry and Rei is getting more and more sad and defeated by the whole situation and when they have baby Shoto, the faces of Endeavor, Rei and Touya physically upsets me. We get to see Endeavor looks really excited, Rei's just like –“I’m done, just stop.” And Touya is so devastated because he realizes that this is the one that's gonna be better than him.

Shoto got what they wanted out of him and we see Touya saying like –“I can still do it.” and the end result is just the dad saying like; it's not even like –“Let's do things together other than being heroes.”; it's more like –“You got to give up on being hero, go play with other kids, go to school and get the fuck out of my face. I gotta train this other hero child. I don’t have time for this shit.”

Endeavor has a line of logic within his brain where he's like –“I can’t fix Touya for what I have done to him cannot be undone because I don’t have the capabilities, so I will just move forward and hope that he copes up.”, which is a terrible and stupid idea, but it is nonetheless align of logic within him.

There’s a certain set of values, ideas and goals in him and he follows them through and they were all terrible and reprehensible. But it still shows that there was an internal logic to him that it makes him even more monstrous without taking that terrifying humanity away from him.

Endeavor is just a person who has done terrible things, with an actual logical line of thought behind it even if it is logic that only makes sense to him.

There’re a lot of obvious parallels we can make between Touya and Deku (they’re not subtle about it and it’s kind of in our faces). Well it's just interesting to me that like Endeavor his whole obsession is like –“I gotta be better than All Might.” And then even in situations like this where he has this protégé that he gives all this hopes and dreams to like –“You're gonna be great, you're gonna be a hero, you’re gonna be the greatest.” And then the child has this power that his body cannot handle and he can't do what the dad told him to do, Endeavor is just like –“Well then, you suck kid. Get a new job, idiot.”

On the other hand, even though All Might is far from perfect in a lot of ways of course when it comes to this but it’s the exact same thing but he understands that like having these aspirations and these dreams even in someone so young is so real. And we know that All Might feels bad about what happens to Deku, but at no point does he tell him like –“Okay, give it up kid. You still can’t do it more than 5% without breaking your arm. Give it up idiot. I’m gonna give it to somebody else.” Like at no point does that even cross his mind. Rather All Might tells Deku –“Look, you gotta work to do. You’re not up to that level yet but I’ll help you and I’ll do it with you.”

And that’s true that Touya wanted to be better than All Might which wasn’t realistic but he was also a child and rationality and setting realistic goals comes much later than being a fucking child. But Endeavor was so obsessed with his own shit that it was hard for him to get over his own hang ups and look through Touya’s problems. Touya could easily still be a hero if he accidentally singes his skin a little bit sometimes that’s not even close to the kind of damage that Deku does himself every time he fights anything. So, it’s not unrealistic to be like –“Okay, yeah I’ll help you and we’ll take it slow. We’ll help you get over your power and then when you get to school or whatever, you can get help from the tech department and make you a heat shield or whatever.”

There were many ways that he obviously could’ve worked around it but Endeavor didn’t give a shit about that because that wasn’t his goal. He’s goal wasn’t to nurture Touya rather his goal was to find a way to get past All Might. He didn’t give a shit about trying to take it slow or trying to help Touya to accomplish anything other than what he wanted and once Touya couldn’t do that, he’s like –“Get the fuck out of my face while I train this replacement child.”

Endeavor is a kind of a person who makes every single mistake it could have made, like starting right from the point where he buys a wife to the point where he tortures Shoto during training sessions. Like you all can tell that he almost like wanted to be a parent when he was like –“Oh, I need to protect Touya from his own power.” He vocalizes a sweet sentiment but also he’s the reason Touya is like this and he can’t just run away and that’s why I like what Rei says as well it’s like –“You just keep running away. You keep creating these problems and you just keep running forward to All Might but also you keep running away from what you have done.” And I am so happy with how Rei is characterized like she is so much more spunky and so much more like assertive than I thought. Like she actually talks back to Endeavor and even in the hospital scene, she has like a presence and says –“You know we will do this. You need to get yourself together and we need to atone together, but most of all you because you were a piece of shit.”

And I also like the little thing at the end where Shoto was like –“I talked with Mom before we came here and I told her that I was going to be the one to stop Touya, but no, we’ll stop him altogether.” To me it sounded like it was Rei’s idea where she was like –“No, you can’t let this piece of shit make this your problem.” I mean Endeavor was always running away. He ran away from Touya and all this stuff happened. He was ready to do it again in the hospital, saying that –“I can’t fight him, he’s my son and I can’t do it.” But Rei was like –“No, get up and take some fucking responsibility for your problems.”

And I love that it was Rei the one who came to that conclusion, because even Shoto was ready to be like –“Dad can’t do it. I’m destined to stop my brother.” And she was like –“No, it’s this asshole’s problem. He did this and yeah all of us could have done more but you can’t let him sit in a bed and wallow about being so pathetic. He needs to get up and he needs to solve this.” And there's no better character it could have been to have been the one that came to that conclusion.

And this is what I love about MHA that how sincere it is and what I mean by that is moments like these where it doesn’t really go out of its way to play into any specific tropes when it comes to this abuse storyline and instead just gives you hurt people moving past and making decisions that sounds reasonable. Like the fact that Shoto didn’t just go on the avenger mode but instead talked it over with his mother which usually doesn't happen in shounen manga/anime. When you decide on making a revenge plot in shounen, you just do it. You don’t go and talk to someone important in your life and seek emotional counsel in shounen. So yeah, I love that Horikoshi sensei is giving us mature and realistic contents like these.

Then in chapter 302 we see Rei asks Touya like –“It almost seems like you don’t want to really be a hero, like you don’t seem like you actually care about becoming a hero. It just seems like you’re obsessed and stuck because Endeavor is your dad and you feel like you have a legacy to live up to but he is abandoned you.” And of course Touya’s responses were like –“Fuck you, mom. I fucking hate you.” But she was right. If Endeavor just hadn’t been such a pig headed shit in dealing with the problem, Touya either would have grown up to the point where he realized it was not worth it or if he really wanted to be a hero, Endeavor could have actually helped foster him into one if his entire end goal wasn't dependent on Touya being the best one.

Did Touya need to be the greatest hero ever created?

No.

Because in their last real conversation, before Touya ran off to the mountain and got burned up, he said and acknowledged the fact that he wasn’t as good as Shoto right now, but he said –“One day, I might become great and you’ll be proud of me.” Touya wasn’t even there saying like –“Oh, I’m the greatest thing ever born. Look at my awesome fire. Oops I burned the mountain down.” It was just him being like –“Look, I’m still trying. Look at this cool thing I did. Acknowledge this one thing that I did.” And Endeavor’s only reaction is – “Shut the fuck up, kid. You fucking idiot. How many times I tell you not to do this?”

But when Touya does get burned up, it shows us Endeavor’s face in horror running to the mountain which again is so bizarre. Honestly I’m starting to wonder if we will get an Endeavor back story ‘cause his set of morals and values is so fucked up.

The issue is Endeavor does care, but he just doesn't understand how to care. Like on a base level, he has the positive emotion of caring about Touya’s well-being and that is about where it ends. Endeavor has no comprehension of what that means or how to do that in a good way.

Every idea he thinks of how to fix it is stupid and he's even obsessed with the notion of like –“When Touya uses too much of his fire, he burns himself. So, I guess he has to never ever use his power ever forever from now.” I mean this goes beyond ‘I'm socially awkward around ladies’.

I almost think Endeavor’s previous family was just nothing prior to him and he fucking hated that. This is probably edge dark turn for what they might end up doing but I’m going almost like the Hawks route like –“Dad was a drunk, mom didn’t give a shit and they fought all the time. I was the scared repressed kid, but then at school or whatever it turned out I was actually pretty awesome and I became popular to some extent by both like athletic and corporate events. I was cool for that aspect so I’m used to being around people but I have no understanding of how they work at all.” That’s my assumption.

Even when he keeps trying to apologize to his family it always comes off like –“Yeah, I’m a bad guy and you hate me, so I’m gonna buy you a house that I won’t live in.” I mean, you’re still not really trying are you? You’re just moving the problem ‘cause you just like –“Oh, they’ll just be happy without me. I just suck. I’m just going to go away.” But like, you’re not helping them heal up or whatever. You’re just like ‘I’m going to be nice now’ but that doesn’t make all the horrible shits you did go away.

Endeavor doesn’t have an understanding of how humans work just because of how he is, but now I’m really curious to see if there might be more behind that. I just want to see why he’s so obsessed with All Might, like where that came from.

The character he’s obviously a parallel to is Bakugo and with Bakugo, we do get to see that since his youth Bakugo equated being a hero and the triumph of being a hero with being as good as All Might. That is very light as far as his motivation goes but it’s a motivation nonetheless.

With Endeavor, we’ve only ever gotten as far as like –“He is strong and I’m weaker and that pisses me off.”

It's almost idolization in a different way where we’re like with Bakugo, it’s like –“That’s my goal. I want to be just like All Might.” Whereas with Endeavor, it's like –“That's my goal 'cause I’m pissed off that I’m not the best of the best.”

They both idolized him in similar ways and Bakugo obviously feels more socially adjusted than Endeavor. Even though Bakugo’s a dick, he’s aware of things and is surprisingly emotionally literate. Like the scene where him and Deku get in trouble after they fight in end of season 3, they're like cleaning the house or whatever and Bakugo makes that little reach out of like –“Hey, the fighting style you’re using is messed up for these reasons, so you should try doing this.”

Like that alone is way beyond anything I would ever expect that of Endeavor. Endeavor’s response when they were cleaning the house would have been like –“Don’t worry, I’ll move my room to a different floor, so we won’t have to talk anymore.”

Endeavor’s a fucking weirdo, I swear.

And also Endeavor’s like actual motivations of becoming No.1 hero are almost intentionally omitted from the whole Todoroki family subplot and it’s so uncanny. I’m really hoping that Horikoshi sensei actually does something with that cause I think it feels so shallow compared to how much time we've spent on it now exactly and I feel it’s intentional and we are going to get something more about Endeavor. It feels like one of those gaps that an author leaves specifically so you can question it until it fills you in.

[azure-firecracker]

All the princesses!!! (plus Catra and Angella)

This is going to be long:)

Adora:

1) Honestly one of the best written protagonists I’ve ever seen. She’s relatable and funny, while also being charismatic and fun to watch, while also having realistic flaws, and a unique background that makes her memorable.

2) She’s just so brave and loyal. Her dedication to her friends is unrivaled, and she never runs away from helping others, or anyone who needs her help.

3) It took her so long to overcome her self-sacrificing tendencies and recognize her own worth, but she finally did, and I’m just so proud of her.

Catra:

1) SUCH a good redemption arc. She hit rock bottom, and she had the strength to get back up and put in all of the work to become better. She’s determined and tenacious, and she went from someone damaged and angry to someone selfless and protective.

2) She was also SUCH a good villain. She was so smart, and so fun (mostly in the beginning.) I loved watching her every step of the way because she was just so compelling, even when she was « evil. »

3) She grew up with freaking SHADOW WEAVER and she still gained the strength and self-awareness to find love and happiness, even though she grew up being told she was worthless. She shouldn’t have had to do that, but I’m so proud of her for doing it.

Glimmer:

1) I mean she’s literally the queen. She’s regal and powerful, and she has one of the best arcs on the show. She went from a child to a queen.

2) She’s such a lovable character. She’s incredibly brave, and she’s loyal, she’s hilarious, but she’s also got flaws, and that’s what makes her human. There’s a little Glimmer in all of us.

3) She had to shoulder so much responsibility so fast, and she didn’t do it perfectly, but she tried her best, and when she messed up, she tried to fix it, and that’s what matters.

Perfuma:

1) Her belief in love and friendship is absolutely heartwarming. We need more people like her in this world, to spread goodness and make it a better place.

2) Her powers are just SO FREAKING COOL. I mean GIANT PLANTS!!

3) She’s such a good friend to everyone around her. She’s kind and loyal to the end, and Never abandons ship. She’s the friend we all want to have.

Mermista:

1) She just kicks serious ass! She wipes the floor with so many soldiers, and she’s just awesome in a fight and deserves more credit.

2) She’s an amazing detective! I know it’s played for laughs, but THIS GIRL KNOWS HOW TO SOLVE A MYSTERY GIVE HER THE CREDIT SHE DESERVES!!

3) Her one liners? Absolutely iconic.

Frosta:

1) She’s so young, and she has to shoulder such a huge responsibility, and she does it with grace and maturity that’s greater than people four times her age.

2) She is POWERFUL and she knows it! She’s never afraid of a fight, and she’s never afraid to go and kick some serious ass.

3) She ran around with ice fists yelling “BOUNCER!” The girl is an icon.

Spinnerella:

1) She’s such a sweetheart! She lost a volleyball game on purpose to make Frosta feel better! Such a huge heart!

2) She is simultaneously a woman who serves veggie platters at parties and can take out 14 giant robots. This is what I aspire to be.

3) Her power is REALLY powerful, and I feel like no one ever talks about it. But it’s REALLY powerful.

Netossa:

1) She’s so unabashedly competitive. She’s just like “Yes, I want to win, do you have a problem with that?” It’s a trait that’s often unfairly discouraged in women, so it takes a lot of strength and confidence to just own it.

2) It must have been SO ANNOYING to have everyone belittle her power for so long, but this queen just kept on kicking ass until they couldn’t ignore her anymore.

3) SHE LITERALLY KEPT A RECORD BOOK OF EVERYONE’S WEAKNESSES AND THEY’RE ALL ACCURATE!!

Scorpia:

1) She’s so kind and loyal and loving, yet also a strong fighter. We don’t see a lot of heroes like her who are so open and soft, so to speak. It gives a lot of people a character they can relate to.

2) She’s just such a good friend. She gives every friendship her all, and sometimes she gets hurt, but she never stops trying to be a friend to somebody, even if that person changes, because that’s who she is. Yet she also learns when to step away from a bond when it’s no longer good for you and I WAS SO PROUD OF HER!!

3) She can kick ass in a fight, give great hugs, and she has an amazing singing voice. Why can’t I be this?

Entrapta:

1) LITERAL GENIUS!! She can invent absolutely anything, and she’s taught herself everything she knows, which makes it even more impressive! The show would have ended VERY differently without her.

2) She’s just so funny. She’s probably the funniest character on the show.

3) Her arc is amazing. She goes from thinking she has to run away from people because it’s not always as easy for her to talk to them, and thinking that they would abandon her, to being able to trust and love and trust IN love while still always being herself and using her talents to help her friends.

Angella:

1) Such a great mom. I know she and Glimmer had their differences, but she loves her daughter so much, and cared for her so much. Glimmer would not be who she is without her.

2) She’s strategical and pragmatic, both great traits for a queen.

3) She’s just so brave and kind. She sacrificed herself to save the world and the girl who had become like her daughter because she loved them all.

Happy International Women’s Day!

[dustjacketmusings]

The Intervention Scene: Pretty Much A Rant

I've seen a lot of really great discourse in the fandom around whether the intervention was controlling/abusive or necessary tough love. The thing is... Nesta absolutely needed an intervention. And this was an intervention. Feyre said approximately the right things at approximately the right time with approximately the right amount of structure for this to be successful. My problem is all of the approximates. It's really not clear why there was an intervention in the first place, and all of the actions following it undercut the message, or literally any message.

I charted them all out because this mess is living rent free in my brain. So here are the possible reasons why there could have been an intervention, and why the intervention itself or following actions made it fall so very flat for me.

Nesta is depressed. This is absolutely true. We see from Nesta's perspective that she is slowly killing herself. But following conversations with other characters make it clear that how Nesta sees herself is not how Cassian and other others see her. Do Feyre and Cassian know that Nesta is depressed? I honestly have no idea. And if that's the reason why they intervened... why did it take until Chapter 12 for anyone to ask how she was doing? Like - putting a depressed person in bootcamp and then never asking them how they feel, while systematically shutting down any time they want to vent is the worst idea I've ever heard. Even if Cassian is excused (maybe he didn't get the memo), Feyre could have checked up on her more. I wouldn't send my very depressed sister away without status updates more frequently than Feyre does. She also, pointedly, does not take Cassian aside to remind him to treat her sister with kindness. This is not even to say that the bootcamp aspect of this is extreme. If she is just depressed, why does she need to train so vigorously that she needs a strict diet? Exercise first -> battle formations later. The weird focus on training still makes no sense to me. I understand expecting training to help, but Cassian really does shut down any time she tries to talk about her feelings.

Nesta is alcoholic. This is pretty realistic and the structure of the intervention mimics this cause the closest. This looks like the intervention from the family of an addict. The problem is... Nesta has no problems with alcohol. She's fine after two days, never has a relapse, and suffers no ill effects. If that's the case, was she in danger of being an alcoholic in the first place? There also isn't really a plan for when she gets out of here. Eventually she'll be able to climb the stairs and even though she has no money, an addict will go to desperate measures to get alcohol. It's never brought up or addressed. The training aspect of bootcamp seems extra extreme for this scenario because... why would she need to train at all? It's just detoxing, really.

Nesta is not eating enough and arguably has an eating disorder. This one infuriates me after the breakfast scene. I cannot come up with words to explain how absolutely stupid it is to take someone with a suspected eating disorder and then control what they eat, while ignoring their requests for different food. Additionally... TRAINING. Why would you physically exhaust someone who's not eating? They'll just train and not eat and then they're worse off. And also this would be way better if anyone ever referenced THAT SHE WAS EATING. "Cassian... make sure she eats something" would have made Feyre so much more sympathetic. Ugh its just the worst! Because they notice that she's lost weight (while still fitting in her leathers perfectly, because that's possible), and then totally ignore her positive attempts to eat food.

Nesta is a sex addict. This is also argueable true. But I'm again unclear how training and mandatory service are supposed to help a sex addict other than keeping them busy. And, of course, she has a ton of sex with Cassian all the time. So if this is the issue, its incredibly problematic and never solved. They just stuck her in bootcamp while also feeding her addiction. There is literally no reason for the controlling aspects.

Nesta is spending too much of Feyre's money. Yeah this is true. Sorry Nesta but its absolutely within Feyre's right to cut her off. That being said... bootcamp? "You spent too much of my money so I'm going to control almost every aspect of your day and kick you out of your apartment" ??? I don't think I need to say how extreme of a response this is. This motivation would work really well if she was just doing library services. "You spent too much money without contributing so now you have to contribute at this library. Since you can't winnow or fly and everyone else has actual jobs (it's my headcannon that they have actual jobs and can't just taxi service) you need to live there too. Cassian will also be there because he lives there and to make sure you comply." Feyre could just say she's going to pay back her debt so she has to work at the library for XX time. OR the libary now funds her allowance (but that gives her way too much freedom). But training? We'll revisit in a few months? Revisit what?

Nesta is embarrassing Feyre as High Lady. This one is tricky, because on the one hand, fuck Feyre for this comment. On the other hand, Feyre is now an important public official and her sister does reflect on her. (Do not get me started on how Feyre not being able to "control" her sister implies shes unfit to be High Lady. The fact that she used the word "control" implies that she's unfit to be High Lady, not Nesta's behavior. You don't control your subjects but - ugh, I got started) Lets assume for a second that this is valid. If Nesta is embarrassing Feyre in public wouldn't the rational response to have someone... tell her what is appropriate behavior in public? Say, someone very good with presenting a public face... like Mor??? Who also conveniently has a few days off from being a politician????? Bootcamp to become a strong warrior is... not relevant? Wtf? Have they never met a warrior who is totally compentent on the battlefield and an epic embarrassment otherwise (that sounds kind of like Cassian tbh...). There is an arguement to be made that Nesta already knows how to do this (she's actually decent at politics) so her embarrassing Feyre must be on purpose. It's still a gross oversight to say "You're behaving incorrectly but I'm not going to tell you what was incorrect, go fix it". UNLESS:

They want to control Nesta. This one makes an UNCOMFORTABLE amount of sense. They didn't tell her what to fix. She's just going off and "they'll revisit in a few months" to check on her progress. See how moldable she is maybe? Controlling every aspect of her life in a place she can't escape on her own? check. BUT because this book makes no sense, they manage to fuck this up too. Why did they train at Windhaven?? Look, I'm not saying that anyone should control someone's life until they break down and become a shell of their former self, but if someone were to do that, it's in private. Arguably, Windhaven, where there was civil unrest less than a year ago, is full of people who ABSOLUTELY need to believe that Nesta is under the control of the IC (or at least on the same side). So why would they take her there on the first day, when she is most full of defiance? (They're idiots, moving on) Cassian's comments about how Nesta was embarrassing him in front of other people were hilariously a joke because he put them in front of other people to begin with. (Even if they didn't want to control her, why windhaven? Like... oh look there's the High Lady's sister who is an absolute weakling and garbage at throwing a punch. This reflects so well on the inner circle. what????)

The problem is that SJM took all of these reasons and put them in a blender to give some frankenstein motivation. In the end there was too much going on so she achieved none of it. It feels almost like a successful intervention, until you look a little closer, and then everything falls apart.

[akookminsupporter]

I have a wonderful loving partner, but I was deeply depressed all throughout 2020 because of external factors. I know I’m not unique in this, but it gives me perspective on this whole idea that Jikook can’t be real because Jimin and Jungkook were struggling in 2018. And this is just not how people work. Please, if you think this, listen to some experiential wisdom. Your mental health is yours and is affected by so so so many things outside of your relationship. My partner couldn’t fix my depression, I had to go to therapy for that. And I’m doing better now! But it’s upsetting to see people talk about serious subjects like this with very misguided perspectives. There are some problems even the most loving relationships can’t solve on their own, and you need outside help. A lot of media leads us to believe that our relationship should do EVERYTHING for us, fulfill every need and every desire. And it’s just not realistic.

Hi anon, I'm sorry to read that you suffered from depression last year. I understand perfectly what you are saying. I have struggled with depression most of my adult life, my family has always been there for me, the few friends I have, have always been there and the few romantic partners I have had too but they could never get me out of the hole I was in, it definitely helps to have that support system, to know that there is someone there for you but not always that person will be able to help you, you won't always trust that person to tell them how you feel, no matter if it's your mum or your partner.

We obviously don't know if Jungkook or any of the members were depressed during that time but even when you feel sad, anxious about the future, about the present, the people around you won't always be able to help you, no matter what space they occupy in your life.

My intention is not to make excuses to justify what Jimin and Jungkook said, because that is not our job and we simply can't do that because we don't know much about that time. but to say that jikook wasn't real or was real based on some things, leaving out others doesn't seem fair.

Sometimes, many times, the only ones who can save us are ourselves.

I'm glad to hear you're doing so much better, anon, fighting!

[dailydnp]

How to be resilient: This practical guide to dealing with setbacks is essential reading

Ensure you're making practical self-care steps to avoid becoming overwhelmed by the 'new normal'.

Life might be getting back to normal but many of us are still feeling the effect of the pandemic on our mental health. In fact, you might not even realise the full impact the past year has had on your mental health until you're back in 'the real world'. Indeed, recent ONS figures show cases of depression are on the rise despite lockdown lifting. From the period of 27th January to 7th March 2021, around 1 in 5 (21%) adults in the UK experienced some form of depression, an increase since November 2020 (when the figure stood at 19%) and more than double that observed before the Coronavirus pandemic (10%).

That's why it's so important to take heed of your own mental health and ensure you're making practical self-care steps to avoid becoming overwhelmed by the 'new normal'.

"Mental health is a huge part of all of our lives and for too many of us it’s a mystery, but if we understand our minds we can put ourselves in control so we can really live," says Daniel Howell, a mental health activist and author of You Will Get Through This Night.

Inspired by Dan’s own mental health journey shared with millions of his fans on stage and screen, along with his work as an ambassador for mental health charity Young Minds, his new book promises to be a practical guide to understanding and taking control of your mental health, written in an entertaining and personal way from someone who has been through it all.

Written in consultation with psychologist Dr. Heather Bolton and spilt over three sections; This Night, Tomorrow and The Day After, the book provides a refreshing, realistic approach to looking after your mental wellbeing the way we all experience it - whether you are in a crisis, just looking to make a change or want to know how to look after yourself every day.

One key aspect of his book is how to be resilient and deal with setbacks, which we are adamant will prove extremely useful for anyone struggling as we come out of lockdown....

"We all know that life can throw a curveball when we least expect it, so it’s important to know how to cope with these surprises, and not let them throw you off your positive momentum.

Life is a rollercoaster, or more like the graph shape of a llama rolling down a hill and climbing up again. We can’t predict the chaos. Despite our best efforts and intentions, it’s normal to have ups and downs. Remember that mental health is not a straight line, we can do what we can to raise the floor level, but it will always wave with the happenings of the world.

It doesn’t have to be a sudden shocking event, such as a… lightning strike! (sorry?) Life is naturally full of moments of change that we need to be able to handle. Breakups, moving, changing jobs – things that are very common can throw us off our track and we should all know how to keep ourselves on the rails.

Resilience

Training your resilience can help you to keep going in the face of adversity. It’s more than just bouncing back, it’s the act of moving forward as we grow from our experiences. Being resilient can look like:

Viewing challenges as opportunities

Focusing on the things you can control

Adapting your response to challenging situations

Maintaining a sense of purpose and drive

Asking for support when needed

Training your resilience can help you to keep going in the face of adversity.

Resilience is about being realistically optimistic. It’s not wishful thinking, it’s just being aware of what you can actually achieve and allowing yourself to be hopeful that you will succeed. Don’t be cynical about your own abilities, planting a seed of doubt that can self-sabotage. If you second guess yourself, it could be a self- fulfilling prophecy. Be realistic, but be fair to yourself and go into situations wanting to win!

It’s not something that’s fixed, it fluctuates through life and is something we can develop. It’s partly about our mindset, but also about how we respond in the face of stressful situations.

Most importantly, it’s not about pushing through the pain, telling yourself you’re being brave (don’t hide the pain, Harold), it’s about honestly accepting what you can handle and being practical.

Don’t overwork or exhaust yourself; it’s unrealistic to expect to cope with literally everything all the time!

Think about the attitude you have when you approach situations. Let’s imagine two different people being rejected after a particularly awkward first date:

They both have similar first thoughts: ‘Well that’s disappointing’ and ‘will I ever love again?’

But then how they make sense of that situation is different: – Akachi starts to accept that not everyone will love her, their date wasn’t right for her anyway, and decides to take control by getting back out there and finding another fish in the sea.

– Fernando doesn’t accept it, but gets stuck on the idea that they’ll always be rejected, they’ll never meet anyone and be lonely forever to live as a spectre haunting the local lighthouse.

Both people are in the same situation but approach it with very different attitudes, which affects how they respond. To build up your own resilience to setbacks, it’s important to understand ‘adaptive coping’ (see opposite).

Self-care service station

During stressful and challenging times, self-care is essential to maintain your overall resilience, so don’t forget the basics – eating, sleep and hygiene, and staying hydrated.

It may sound simple, but if you let these slip it can chip away at your hard work and your mindset.

Try to keep your positive routine and stay on top of necessary stuff �� having routine and structure gives you a strong foundation for coping. Take time for yourself – literally remember to breathe, be mindful if you need a moment and take time to do things you enjoy to recover.

Protect your boundaries and don’t take on more than you can handle. Don’t agree to too much work, emotional responsibility, or cave in to demands you know you might not have energy for.

Reading the signals right

Psychological theory says we tend to see stressful situations in one of three broad ways: a challenge, a threat, or a loss.

Seeing it as a challenge → having hope, a fighting spirit and putting energy into finding a solution.

Seeing it as a threat → assuming the worst, feeling anxious and deflated.

Seeing it as a loss → acting like the damage has already been done, there’s nothing you can do, and feeling helpless.

Try to look for aspects of your situation that you can see as a challenge to overcome – this will help you adopt a positive approach and channel your energy into solving the problem, known as adaptive coping. Of course, this might not always be possible and you can’t keep fighting forever, but there will always be an opportunity for learning from the situation. Feeling threatened is absolutely normal, but try to notice whether you’re getting caught up with catastrophic thinking. Break the problem down and focus on what you can control, even if it’s a small piece of the 10,000 piece 1-colour jigsaw.

If you’re feeling helpless because of things you’ve lost, allow yourself to feel that – resilience involves connecting honestly with feelings, not shutting them off. It’s a healthy part of processing what’s going on for you. The key is balance.

Channel your energy into what you can change.

Evaluate any aspects bringing up anxiety.

Allow time to deal with your feelings.

Being flexible between these three approaches will help you deal with the fun of life’s many suddenly surprising challenges."

You Will Get Through This Night by Daniel Howell is available now in hardback, eBook and audio download (HQ)

[wondereads]

Personal Recommendation (2/14/20)

The Sisters Grimm by Michael Buckley

I’m doing something new this week! I’ll be reviewing every book in The Sisters Grimm series. Each will get a small paragraph and get a rating out of ten, and then I’ll rate the series overall. Hope you guys enjoy it! Please keep in mind this will contain spoilers for the later books, so don’t read ahead if you don’t want some major spoilers!

#1: The Fairy-Tale Detectives     9/10

The very beginning! Sabrina and Daphne Grimm, after a year in foster care with some dubious caretakers, are being sent to live with their grandmother, who, until a few days ago, they didn’t know existed. Granny Relda lives in Ferryport Landing, a typical small town in almost all aspects except for the significant population of fairytale characters or Everafters. The first book serves as a good introduction to Buckley’s world. The sisters have been shielded from fairytales their entire lives, so it’s easy to insert explanations for the inexperienced reader. It also very quickly sets up Sabrina and Daphne’s characters by using their reaction to Granny Relda and her fairytale reveal. Daphne, being a younger, more sheltered child, accepts it wholeheartedly and is excited to get involved in solving magical mysteries. Sabrina, after protecting her sister from nutcases for a year, has a much more cynical outlook, and it takes an actual giant scooping Relda up for her to believe. There’s also some memorable introductions for other important characters such as Mr. Canis, Puck, Mirror, and Mayor Charming. In terms of the plot, Buckley consistently creates mysteries that have twists but aren’t too difficult to follow for late elementary students.

#2: The Unusual Suspects     7/10

Things are starting to get a little more intense. Sabrina and Daphne are required to go to school after being preoccupied with chasing giants around the countryside. Unfortunately, especially for Sabrina, who wants to regain some semblance of normalcy, something is killing the teachers at school. I forgot how gruesome the murders were. I also forgot that Sabrina is in sixth grade. This particular book always got on my nerves. Sabrina is clearly having some issues; her parents are missing, she’s trapped in a town with fairytale characters, she can’t see to escape humiliation either at the hands of Puck or her classmates, and now people are being killed left and right. And yet, her family refuses to see that she needs help and decides to reprimand her constantly instead. The villain for this book is particularly disturbing. I must warn readers-child manipulation and abuse is a common theme in these books. If you couldn’t already catch on in the first book, it becomes obvious here that Sabrina has some grudges against the magical community.

#3: The Problem Child     7/10

This book has a sort of in-between feeling to me. Sabrina comes upon a maniacal little girl dressed in red who is holding her currently enchanted parents captive. The little girl, obsessed with recreating her family, is convinced they are her own parents and controls a jabberwocky, her ‘kitty’. All she needs is a granny and a doggy-Granny Relda and Mr. Canis. Everything in this book pours into the next ones, while, unlike the other books, there isn’t much of a self-contained plot. Red comes more into play in Tales from the Hood and The Everafter War, the election sets up Magic and Other Misdemeanors, and the vorpal blade and Puck’s injury lead into Once Upon a Crime. This book, however, introduces Uncle Jake, one of the most interesting characters in terms of development, and it also begins the problem of Sabrina’s magic addiction. The events of this book contribute to Sabrina’s distrust of magic after she has some run-ins with her addiction. It is also when you maybe start to develop some affection for Charming, despite his over-inflated ego.

#4: Once Upon a Crime     10/10

This one is my personal favorite. After Puck’s run-in with the jabberwocky, the Grimms take an emergency trip to New York, Sabrina and Daphne’s old home. There they plead the king of Faerie, Oberon, to heal Puck. Unfortunately, Oberon is poisoned within hours of their arrival, and Relda, of course, takes the case. This book is so much fun because in Ferryport Landing they just sprinkle the whole town in forgetful dust. In New York, Everafters need real jobs and a way to cover their tracks as beings who don’t age. The Wizard of Oz works at Macy’s, Ebenezer Scrooge makes a living as a medium, and pirates such as Long John Silver feed off of Wall Street. It also addresses the downsides of that. Everafters don’t age; some of them don’t even look human. It comes as a shock to Sabrina, but her mother, Veronica Grimm, was secretly working with the New York Everafters to fix their problems. I feel that Sabrina finding a connection to her mother through the Everafter community is the first step she takes toward accepting her role as a Grimm.

#5: Magic and Other Misdemeanors     8/10

The conflict between humans and Everafters starts to take center stage. Someone in Ferryport Landing is stealing powerful magical artifacts, causing rips in time, but the Grimms have to split their attention with Mayor Heart’s new tyrannical rule. This is where the series begins to take a darker turn. The new mayor, the Queen of Hearts, and Sheriff Nottingham are set on running every human in Ferryport Landing out of town, and the divides between human and Everafter are becoming more pronounced by the day. The rips in time are particularly interesting, especially Sabrina and Daphne’s trip to the future, which really raises the stakes going forward. Also, the idea of a past Grimm arriving in town, giving Heart and Nottingham a chance to end the entire family, is very nervewracking. Also, the concept of Everafter-human relationships and how that would work presents some interesting conflicts.

#6: Tales from the Hood     10/10

There’s nothing I love more than a fractured fairytale. Intent on getting rid of the Grimms’ staunch protector, Heart and Nottingham put Mr. Canis, or the Big Bad Wolf, on trial. Some investigation in order to clear his name reveals that the story of Little Red Riding Hood might not be all true. Technically, the entire series is based on fairytales, but this is the first book where those stories are actually challenged. The actual story of Little Red Riding Hood is amazing, and it also ties into all the other stories the Wolf is present in. Also, I love Red, the sane Red, and I always get so happy when she’s cured. Once again, Sabrina clashes strongly with her family in this one, for understandable reasons. I’m less inclined to side with her on this one, but she definitely learns her lesson.

#7: The Everafter War     8/10

The Grimms are finally united! Henry and Veronica Grimm are woken up from their magical sleep, but Henry, having too many bad memories, wants to leave town immediately. Unfortunately, the Scarlet Hand has taken over all of Ferryport Landing and only a small resistance stands in their way. There’s a lot of family drama in this one. The dynamics of Sabrina, Daphne, and their parents are all out of whack after spending over a year apart. On one hand, they now have parental support again. On the other, Henry can’t seem to conceptualize that Daphne is, in fact, not five anymore. If that isn’t enough drama for you, Puck finds out he and Sabrina are married in the future, and Snow and Charming are caught up in a soap opera of their own. Also, not to mention the plethora of betrayals in this book. The plot is really picking up here.

#8: The Inside Story     8/10

This one took quite some imagination. After the reveal of the Master’s identity as their own beloved Mirror, Sabrina, Daphne, and Puck pursue him and Pinocchio through the Book of Everafter, a living book filled with fairytales that could actually change history. I find it absolutely hilarious that the kids absolutely refuse to follow the story no matter what. Also, this is where Sabrina starts coming into her own. She’s going through a rough patch in this book. As would anyone whose best friend turned out to be the leader of a magical terrorist organization. By the way, if you are connected to these characters in any way, Mirror’s betrayal will hit you like a punch to the gut. She’s having trouble trusting her judgement, which will have her come back stronger than ever. Also, it’s nice to see her and Puck get through a couple sentences without a barrage of insults. Finally, Relda was such a badass in this book. If you didn’t love her before, you definitely love her now.

#9: The Council of Mirrors     9/10

It’s time for a happily ever after. With Mirror running loose in Ferryport Landing and the rebellion in tatters, things are looking bleak. Especially when the twenty-four remaining magic mirrors issue a prophecy putting everyone’s fate in the hands of Sabrina and Daphne Grimm. Sabrina starts out pretty broken in this book. She’s been betrayed, her grandmother is possessed by an evil mirror, and now everyone is expecting her to lead an army. I absolutely love that when she gets the push she needs from the mirrors it plays to her strengths. She’s a master of planning and subterfuge, and it’s so nice to see it come out. On a less chipper note, I hate Atticus with everything in me, and I was so happy he ended the way he did. In terms of Mirror, I found it poetic, but also so typical of a kid’s book, that he was defeated by the one thing he never had: love. Finally, the reason this book doesn’t get a 10/10 is because I felt the epilogues were kind of rushed and unrealistic. However, they don’t have much impact on the book overall, and I still loved most of it!

Overall 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

The Sisters Grimm is one of my favorite series from childhood. The characters are realistic, relatable, and get great development. Kids books are great because there’s no worries about the idea being too juvenile. This book could never be an adult book, the ideas in it are too silly. However, that doesn’t mean it isn’t amazing, and I find the crazy ideas and cheesy lessons absolutely charming. It gives some unexpected sides to some well-known characters, and the amount of thought that went into incorporating classic and even more obscure characters into the modern world was crazy and very amusing at times. I also suspect that this series is the root of my fondness for fractured fairytales. I would recommend this book to people who like modern fantasy, sibling relationships, and fairytale characters in a decidedly un-mystical setting.

The Author

Michael Buckley: American, 51 years old, also wrote N.E.R.D.S. and Undertow

The Reviewer

My name is Wonderose; I try to post a review every two weeks, and I take recommendations. Check out my about me post for more!

[mimzy-writing-online]

Advice to Fanfiction Writers who Feel Guilty about Abandoning Stories

This is one of my greatest struggles in writing fanfiction and to date I have two stories that have been inactive for at least a year, and many that have never been published because I feared I would abandon them.

In this post: 

We debate the values of finishing a work before you share it online versus sharing it when you’re only a few chapters in and working from there.

What to do if you feel overwhelmed with the size of a project.

What to do it you’re losing traction and fear you’ll never finish your story.

We discuss ways to abandon stories with closure.

And some positive reminders, because

Before I start, let me say this: You are never required to finish a story. You have a right to publish as much or as little of the story as you like, and if you abandon the fic without another word, that is absolutely fine. That is your right. You never need a “real or valid reason” to abandon a story. 

Your worthiness as a writer is not determined by how many stories you write, publish and finish. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone.

Okay, onwards...

Should you finish your story before you begin sharing it online?

It sometimes seems ideal to finish the story before you publish. There are benefits to it:

The obvious benefit is that if you decide to abandon the story, then nobody knows it exists and nobody is waiting for a new chapter, so there’s no guilt or no random comments reminding you to finish that abandoned story.

Additional benefits come in being able to edit previous chapters before they were published when problems like the following appear:

-If you find you accidentally made a plot hole in previous chapters that you can’t solve in later chapters, you can go back and edit before you publish that chapter and have it become your story’s canon forever.

-If there���s something in the world building (like in an AU) that you wish you could change, that doesn’t fit the mechanics/physics of what you want to do. Example, in a soulmate, magic, or superpower AU, you might put limitations or a lack of limitations that you regret having and wish you could change because plot needs it to work differently.

-If you regret a character’s backstory for whatever reason (it’s too angsty, or too simplistic, or doesn’t account for how good they are at a certain skill such as fighting, or their character development in future chapters needs it to change) you can change the backstory before your readers get to know them.

-If you took character or plot development in one direction and decided as the story evolved to take it in a different direction, you have the option to rewrite a few chapters or to continue on and smooth it out in editing.

The benefit is that you can edit the problems out before readers ever see them.

The downside to waiting until completion to publish a story is that there’s a lack of feedback to remind you that you’re doing a good job, and therefore a lack of motivation to continue the story because you’re the only one who cares and you know in theory how it ends. You can just tell yourself the story in your head and let it go, but the downside is that it disappears when you no longer thinks of it. 

The thing is, writers need feedback. Even the most independent and confident writers need support from their readers.

You’re not a terrible person for wanting people to read your story and give you positive feedback before you actually finish the story.

You’re not a terrible person for wanting validation before the story is complete.

You are a human being who needs love and support from people who appreciate your work.

Don’t feel bad about that.

Should you publish a story before completion?

If you feel that’s best, then yes. If your story is relatively short but you don’t know where to take it, publishing it and having readers give you advice or ideas on where to take it might be the ideal. If you’re halfway there but you’re losing motivation, then publishing then might be a good idea, because the positive feedback and appreciation will keep you motivated to write.

A good way to get feedback and appreciation without publishing your work too soon is to find a beta reader or to have a friend read your story. If you want feedback on problems in your story to fix and edit, then you want a beta reader. They will tell you when your story is great and where they’re less interested in, which will give you a place to start improving. 

What to do if you feel overwhelmed by the size of your project:

I’ll break it down into a few steps:

Step One: Word Vomit. This is extremely helpful when beginning a new project, but it may also be useful if you’re stuck on one section of your story and need to reorganize. Open up a word document, open a notebook and put all your ideas onto a page. Scene ideas, bits of dialogue, world building concepts, backstories, anything you think you’d put into your story.

Even if you’re twelve chapters in, taking a moment to do this may help in creating a new idea.

Step Two: Organize your word vomit and outline the story

Step Three: Write

If you’re still overwhelmed with the size of the story but you have a decent amount of progress on it:

Step Four: take all your favorite parts about the story and examine them closely. Pick your favorite scenes and characters and try to rework what you’ve got into something smaller.

Step Five: Narrow down your story to something more concise. You can throw out extra sub plots that you’re not feeling strongly about. You can choose to do time skips during periods of time in the fic where not much interesting is happening and it can be summarized into a paragraph. 

Because this is fanfiction, there’s already a huge chunk of canon for you to fall back on that your readers will understand without you needing to explain too much. If the story you’re working on falls back on canon plot a lot, it’s possible to gloss over canon scenes or major canon events that weren’t heavily changed in your fic. This is especially true in universe alteration stories and fix it fics where the stories still follow most of the canon plotline but with a few details changed. 

Abandoning Stories with Closure

Quick reminder: You are not required to finish a story, nor give it a conclusion. Whatever your reason for not continuing the story, it is valid. You come before your story.

Onwards...

There’s the classic method, which is leaving a note to readers that this story is abandoned. 

Following that, you can choose to leave the fic as is, which is a perfectly good option. It allows you the chance to come back one day and finish it when your mental health is better, when your writing skills are stronger, when your life has more free time, when there’s new canon material to work with, when you have new inspiration.

I think the above option is best, but if it doesn’t sit right with you, the next options are possible.

You can choose to make one final chapter where you try to wrap up as many loose ties as reasonably possible. Realistically you can’t finish everything, but hopefully you and your reader will be able to leave your story with some emotional closure. If you can, end your last chapter on a higher note.

If writing that is not possible, you could leave an outline of what you think might have happened next. It will allow your readers to see what the end conclusion would have been and get closure.

You can allow someone to finish the fic on their own, give them the rights to be the new author. Some readers might even approach you to volunteer to continue the story.

I’m going to restate what I said before, because I think it’s something we all need to remember. Writers are plagued with self doubt, self criticism, and impostor syndrome (i.e. thinking you’re not a “real writer” because you’re not “good enough” which is B.S.) and I think we all need to remember that there’s nothing wrong with us.

We’re allowed to be imperfect, to make mistakes, and to leave projects abandoned. That doesn’t make us bad writers, it makes us real.

You are never required to finish a story. You have a right to publish as much or as little of the story as you like, and if you abandon the fic without another word, that is absolutely fine. That is your right. You never need a “real or valid reason” to abandon a story.

Your worthiness as a writer is not determined by how many stories you write, publish and finish. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone.

I, the author of this post, am proud of each and every one of you for just being here, just existing. You’re real writers whether you think so or not. Your writing is amazing and good and it will always be improving. I believe in you, as both a person and a writer. I know you can do it.

[Note: I began this guide in May of 2019, and now it’s February of 2020, so talk about abandoning a project and eventually coming back to it. I think this is the oldest post in my drafts folder of the blog. Jeez. But it’s done, finally written and edited and now I can publish it.]

[a-student-out-of-time]

Let’s kick Mavedick!

You see? There it is. Violence: the universal language.

The only way your beliefs can stand up is by denying the real world: someone wants you gone.

...Look, if you brought me here to kill me-

And make you a martyr? Don’t be ridiculous.

...This...This doesn’t prove anything. You could be lying to me, just trying to gauge my reaction.

Just like I know you’ve been gaslighting Kana.

Oh? You still won’t accept she’s your sister?

That I can accept. What I won’t accept is you saying my Dad cheated on my Mom. 

What makes you want to believe in them so strongly? I thought they were hardly ever around for you.

That might be true, but I know them. My parents love each other. They’re good people, and I know they care about me. There’s no way my Dad would ever cheat on her, and there’s no way he’d abandon Kana.

So where did Kana come from then? Hm?

Why do you even care so much about her? You didn’t even know she existed a week ago.

I believe in them because I want to believe in them.

Interesting.

*He sits back in his chair*

Just out of curiosity, what are you intending? I don’t imagine you have it all planned out yet, but are you going to introduce Kana to your parents? Ask how she’s related to you?

You’re putting a lot of faith into something you have no proof of. For all you know, you’d be the one destroying your parents’ marriage by introducing them to Kana. Wouldn’t be the first time you and your friends screwed something up with your “good” intentions.

...

I didn’t brainwash them or hypnotize them, you know. Kanon, Damian, Yuki, Kana, Kizuna, they all came to this island because I offered them the chance. Your actions gave them that little nudge toward it.

And be real, Nanami-san. They were the ones you came for. You don’t really care much for the other people on this island, do you?

That’s...o-of course I do!

Do you know anyone else’s name?

...

It’s funny too, you know? You and Kasugano made that big spiel about how you were going to change all of Japan, but what have you done, really? You’ve saved maybe a handful of people, put a serial killer away and got another one killed.

Or did you quietly dispose of Genocider Syo alongside Otonokoji Kanade?

...

Ah. I see.

But be honest, now. Did you know them in a past life or something? Is that why you got rid of them quietly? Didn’t wanna make it a big deal?

Syo’s not part of this anymore. You don’t need to worry about it.

…So, this person slices up a bunch of guys, crucifies them and writes “Bloodbath fever” in their blood and you’re protecting their identity. But when someone like me or Otonokoji Kanade comes along, we’re irredeemable?

It’s not the same thing!

Jeez, no need to get angry. I’m just asking simple questions.

Maybe it’s just that you want to protect your friends?

…Why are you doing this?

What? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, realistically, the human brain can only handle a certain amount of information at a time.

Truth is, we all care about our own communities and our own groups more than we do the rest of the world. People will talk about what’s good for the world, but they can’t comprehend how big it is or what every single person out there needs or wants. Nor should they, really.

You wanna know what’s been happening out there in the world at large? Just earlier this month, people all over the world started protesting an Islamophobic movie. There were protest, riots, arson and even murders. I think the death toll’s over 50 and almost 700 people were injured.

And back in July, there was that guy in America who shot a movie theater, calling himself “The Joker.” Did you hear about that?

There was a plane crash in Pakistan that killed almost 300, the largest power outage in human history, the last member of a species of Tortoise died, a whole bunch of countries severing diplomatic ties with each other...

Not to mention the ongoing problems in so much of the world, like poverty, disease, war, corruption, oppression, crime and who knows what else. Yet here you all are, trying to be the big heroes for saving these people. These people you know just enough about for them to matter.

I assure you, these people are already safe. The end is coming soon, and this island’s gonna be one of the few safe places on the planet.

With you in charge?

Naturally. Who else?

Unlike most people out there, I actually understand how people operate. What they really need is a guiding voice, a handsome face and a gun to keep them in line. To keep them from killing each other.

Do you really think you’ll be saving anybody? Dragging them off this island when they clearly don’t want you to and throwing them into a furnace that’s about to be lit?

So what about their families?

Well, I’ve made arrangements for them as well. As long as certain conditions are met.

What conditions?

Let’s not worry about that. This isn’t about me, this is about you.

Do you really think you have what it takes to stop the end? You really think you can save anybody?

You’re not gonna trick me! I know what I’m doing is right!

Jeez, I ask simple questions and you flip out on me.

I’m sick of talking to you. I’m sick of hearing about all the pain you’ve caused these people. And I’m sick of this island.

Did you forget? They’re only here because of what you and your friends did.

I mean, did you give any thought to this before you joined up? Was this always about the world or just your friends?

...

____________________________________________________

Hajime, there’s no way you can solve this all by yourself, and I can’t let you knowing what I know now, especially not when you have a twisted ankle.

And there’s no way I can just let any of this happen to our friends. Not when there’s something I can do.

So I’m in. I’m gonna help you.

____________________________________________________

Did you ever think you were in a position when you could make any kind of choices you wanted?

____________________________________________________

Oh, are you flirting with my boyfriend, Nijiue-san?

N-Nanami-san! Umm, I…I- uh…n-no, not at all!

Aww, no need to get so embarrassed. I think it’s cute.

____________________________________________________

You all point the finger at me for breaking the law, but what about all the laws you’ve broken? All the other people whose lives you’ve impacted for your own plans?

____________________________________________________

Is everything clear on your end?

*In the Mall’s public announcement room, where both doors are held shut with chairs*

*Chiaki pulls her bluetooth away from the mic and puts it back on*

It all went through. I think everyone heard it.

Now I gotta hurry before security shows up!

____________________________________________________

Chiaki…everyone…

No. Please just…don’t, okay?

We all made our choices, and if this is what you all think is the best option, then okay, we’ll go through with it. I’m just really tired of talking about at this point.

What’s important is we still have a bunch of criminals running around on the streets that we need to catch. We need to get to that right away, and being angry and petty about this isn’t going to fix anything.

____________________________________________________

And even with your “good” intentions, haven’t you seen some terrible things?

____________________________________________________

I could’ve had so much, and I was so close this time! All I had to do was wait for Kotoko to hit puberty! Can you imagine what some people will pay for a sexy little bitch like that?! They offered 50,000 yen just for the pictures I sent them!

You sent them pictures of your own daughter…

Why not? I’m her father, I can decide what I want to do with her. She’s my responsibility.

____________________________________________________

What about all the horrible things happening in the world? You know they’re up in arms over my announcement, and some of them are calling for your heads. But it goes beyond just that: what about all the horrible things people have said and done to you?

____________________________________________________

I-I didn’t mean to cause any trouble, I just-

“Nobody wants you here, rich girl.”

“Aww look, it’s muffintop!”

“Pick up a real game for once.”

“Stop acting like you’re a real gamer, bitch.”

“What, you won’t look me in the eye? You think you’re better than us?”

“All you do is sit there playing that stupid game. You’re useless.”

____________________________________________________

...

You see now, don’t you?

There’s nothing worth saving, and you’re hardly the kind of person who could make a difference. Stop this pointless struggle, and just let the world die.

[cloud9in]

Human Sacrifice

Summary: The sudden events of the Zeta House Bacchanalia leaves Zoey a victim of humiliation, and Bea has her own input on the event.

 Tags: I’m going to tag the Zoey stans I know: @samanthadalton @jaxsmutsuo @this-person-is-busy @penda-bear @steal-your-moment @tyrils-star @satrinadia (If you want to be removed or added on this list in future writings let me know)

Word Count: 3.6k (Yeah it’s a lot oops)

Warnings: ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST, Mild Language, Depressing thoughts, also some blood.

Pairing: Badgirl! Mc x Zoey

 Author’s Note: I wanted to write a more realistic version of Badgirl! Mc for the events of the Bacchanalia. I hope you hate her by the end of this.

~

Zoey’s POV

 “I will never let you forget that this is who you are.” 

Poppy’s words struck me like I had just been the victim of a tragic car crash.  Completely surrounded by the noise and utter chaos, but isolated in the clutter. 

My legs began to weaken from the embarrassment, there was nothing to hold on to steady myself. There was no one to catch me before I could collapse and sob my worries into the cold, hard concrete floor of the place I would ironically call hell. 

Bea? Where is Bea?  A faint remembrance of her crossed my mind before I could only focus on my rapidly soaring heartbeat. Any second now it would pop right out of my chest and onto the ground, allowing another part of me to be exposed to the selfish monsters, who took no shame in degrading every part of my being. I wanted to shut my eyes. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up, realizing it was all some nightmare. But all I could do was stand there and hold back the dam of tears that threatened to surge out through my eyes. I’ll be damned if I let Poppy see through my act, see through the poorly concealed cracks in my perfect persona and take advantage of it. She has already ripped me apart publicly, and if there is something that I will cling on to as I walk out of this den of vultures: it will be my pride.

The anger rushed through my veins just as quickly as the shame left. I couldn’t feel it, but I knew my nails had dug so deep into the skin of my hand as I tightened my fists. That would definitely leave a few scars, but not as deep as the mental scars that have rose from the dark depths of my mind. There is nothing more that I want in the world than to forget everything. If all of my flaws had to be exposed in this moment, I can only hope the tears that spill any second will submerge me as well.

~

Bea’s POV

 “Zoey doesn’t need me looking after her. Plus, I already told her this is the only reason I came. She’s gonna love this credit card thing.” 

 I snapped a pic of Poppy’s credit card and uploaded it to the T, courtesy of a sweet message to follow along. It was only after a few seconds of allowing myself to wallow in self satisfaction that I felt the need to go save Zoey. With a final smirk of appreciation I dashed out of the room, knowing in the back of my head that the queen of all bitches was going to fall, hard. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, a blinding spotlight revealed the silhouette of Zoey surrounded by the cretins of Belvoire University. A sensation of guilt invaded the pit of my stomach as I looked over at the mugshot of my best friend, displayed for all to see. The confusion overtook me for a split second before I sprinted towards the wires, tearing its hold from the sockets. 

 “Hey, stop!”

 Whose voice was that? Who could stand there and enjoy what was happening to Zoey? 

I felt my cheeks furiously heating up, like I could explode any moment, and all that would be left is a pool of lava. I couldn’t refrain from scowling as I twisted my head in his direction

 “Eat my ass, Liam!”

 Yes that’s right Bea, a big verbal FUCK YOU to him will solve all of your problems, you idiot.

 I growled as the last of the cords are unplugged from the walls and the room goes silent. My eyes immediately fall on Zoey who shares a heartbreaking look with me, like she’s reaching out for me. She needs me. But even as I acknowledged that, I stood in place and watched as tomatoes were slung in the direction of my best friend. There wasn’t a spot on her body that hadn’t become a canvas to the rotting food, in fact the picture painted before me was quite the opposite of her usual appealing image.

  I wanted to get a closer look, I wanted to scan every part of her. I wanted to see the pain in her eyes...maybe I wanted to be the one who took it away. But all of those bottled up feelings meant nothing when Zoey raced through the front doors, her legs dragging the rest of her body, using every last bit of her strength to not break down right then and there. I wanted to run after her. I wanted to comfort her and hold her, and tell her that I’d fix this. But what could I possibly fix? What does she expect me to do? Maybe this will all blow over, I mean this is Poppy, who doesn’t she embarrass? I surely have been a victim, and it’s not like I wanted this to happen. I mentally patted myself on the back for uploading the credit card pictures to the T, this is going to be the sweetest revenge. That bitch will never see it coming. 

And she didn’t.

 I smirked confidently as I watched Poppy’s hastily retreating form, madly whispering into her phone to the great Piers Sinclair. Her father is gonna have a fucking field day with her, I thought. Rolling my eyes, I let out a chuckle. Who knew playing Poppy’s game could be so….fun? Exhilarating? This was only just the beginning of a feud that will end with my reign. A standing that I could not obtain without Zoey.

I knew that I’d have to go after her, and it’s not like I didn’t want to. But what would I say to her? 

 C’mon Bea, you’re going to talk to her. You’re going to ask her what that was all about. You aren’t going to push any boundaries. You’re going to show her that you care...deeply.

 I knew that Zoey had stolen my heart from the minute she grabbed my hands and pulled me into her world. I knew there was no escape, not with her. She was my world and I wanted so badly for her to trust me, to trust that whatever we’re trying to accomplish here at Belvoire, would bring us closer together. I had to go get my girl.

 After all, who else would comfort her if not me? I was the only one who cared enough.

~

Zoey’s POV

 I felt the remains of rotten tomatoes in every crevice of my body. The residue was not enough to distract me from the chills that invaded my spine, and it wasn’t because I was trudging with chunky tomato bits in my underwear on a freezing evening. My whole body felt numb, where was I going? Who do I go to now? I kept walking though, as if I’d encounter a solution to my complete annihilation. Maybe if I didn’t stop, I’d burn out eventually. Maybe I wouldn’t realize it when I hit the ground. Maybe I’ll wake up and be back home, safe and sound.

Sudden footsteps caused the thoughts in my head to jumble. As I turned to face the figure behind me, a rush of heat filled my lungs as I gasped, reaching for her. 

Bea. My Bea.

I wanted to cry out, to tell her how I felt. But in that moment, her arms offered me safety, the kind of warmth that resembles a thick blanket shielding a fragile body on an icy winter morning. I never wanted to let go. 

 “That was…so horrible Bea. No one...was-”, I shook violently against her chest, and she held on tighter. “No one was supposed to know about the...shoplifting thing!”

 Bea held me close as I struggled to breathe. I pulled my head back, careful not to ruin her outfit any more than I had, and looked into her eyes. They were concentrated on every inch of my face, her eyebrows creased with worry as she studied the remains of tomatoes that were dripping slowly from my head. I had the urge to pull away with shame, I….I didn’t want her to see me like this. 

I was Zoey Wade. But I don’t know who I am now. I don’t know what Bea thinks of me now. Everything I worked so hard for meant nothing in the end because of my past. I can’t help but feel like my past defines me, no matter how hard I struggled to lock it all away. 

 “Poppy is so vile for putting you on blast like that. What was that all about anyway?”

 Bea’s gaze was intense as she turned toward the house with a glare. I could feel her arms start to loosen its hold on me, and much to my dismay, I let her do it. She glanced quickly at me before facing the ground, taking a subtle breath and looking back up. 

 “I know it’s no consolation, but at least my plan worked. I got her credit cards! Her credit cards are going to be totally shot after this..”

 Bea’s eyes were creased with delight but I could see the pity radiating off of her dark features. I wanted to ask her what she was talking about. What credit cards? What does that have to do with me standing in fucking tomato waste? 

Bea reached out to caress my shoulders again.

 “That whole ‘Human Sacrifice’ thing is disgusting. I had no idea this is what she would do to you-”

 ...Suddenly the red liquid dripping down my chin didn’t resemble tomato remains to me anymore. It looked a lot more like blood, I felt as if her words psychically hooked onto my skin and tugged at it harshly. My vision began to blur, I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing this time, and I pushed her back roughly. 

My legs started to shake violently as I tried to suppress the anger boiling within me. But that was impossible. 

 “Wait, to me? Bea, did you know she was going to do this to me?”

 This betrayal hurt more than anything that Poppy had said to me. I felt my throat start to close, was I even breathing anymore? Is this real? I stood there trembling in my own sorrow as I waited for Bea to respond. I prayed that this was all a misunderstanding, that she would use that charming voice of hers to melt my pain away. To reassure me that she cared for me and wouldn’t have allowed Poppy to have done what she did. But…I was terribly wrong. 

~

 Bea’s POV

 “Zoey I swear I literally just found out while in Poppy’s room. I came to warn you but I….I didn’t have enough time.”

 I’m not sure why Zoey pushed me out of her arms so suddenly, but all I knew was that this was not my fault. I wanted to lash out at her for even thinking of blaming me for whatever happened tonight. Does she not know how much I care about her? I’m standing here aren’t I? 

I let the feeling bubble down slowly before speaking again, this time looking straight into her big brown orbs, red and swollen with tears. 

 “Zoey...I had gone up there to go through with our plan….I  saw the cards and figured I’d have time to do both. But...that’s just not exactly how things turned out.” 

 I expected her to understand. How could I have possibly known that they’d throw tomatoes at her? I came here to find dirt on Poppy, we both knew that. I completed our objective, we were one step closer to taking down Poppy. 

Why couldn’t she acknowledge that? 

I tried to speak again but I was cut off by the menacing step Zoey took in my direction.

 “Not exactly how things turned out? What the hell Bea?”

 I didn’t think I’d find myself outside in freezing temperatures, being pulled by the jewel of my choker by my best friend. At least not in the way I had hoped for.

I felt Zoey’s hot breath dissolve across my face as she pulled me towards her, eyes seething with fury that you’d probably only see in hell. My lips quivered with surprise for a second before I was sent sprawling back onto my ass, the concrete scraping vigorously against the back of my bare legs. Leave it to me to get in a fight with my fucking underwear on.

I quickly sprang back up, brushing specs of dirt off my already bruised up legs, before scowling at her. 

 “What the hell is wrong with you? I don’t know why you’re so pissed at me. It’s not like I’m the one who put you on blast back there!”

 “But you knew about it, and instead of telling me, you went ahead and did what you thought was more important, didn’t you Bea?”

 “...Zoey we had a plan. Which I managed to do by the way! I thought you’d be happy but it looks like you’re fucking ungrateful!”

 Zoey’s eyes practically jumped out of her sockets as her jaw dropped open. 

I didn’t mean to say it...I didn’t. But a part of me felt that I was absolutely correct, it’s clear that she didn’t feel the same way though.

 “I’M UNGRATEFUL? Bea are you out of your goddamn mind?! Why the fuck would I ever be happy about this situation. It seems like you can’t understand why I feel the way I feel with that thick head of yours.”

 My body jolted forward as I proceeded to grab onto her once more, I wanted to hold her and make her listen to me. She could not leave until I explained. But all Zoey did was back up even farther, holding her arms out to stop me. Tears burst out from her crinkled eyes and she just stands there and lets it flow. There was no more holding back, as mascara started to mix with her tears. My heart broke at what was unfolding before me. 

I couldn’t even embrace her. I felt a hot spark of blood run through the veins in my arms, and my fingers started to tingle. It wasn’t long until they were practically numb. I felt numb. Was it from the cold? Or something else? I couldn’t tell you.....

 “Zoey...you know that I’d never do this on purpose, you know this isn’t me. This… this is all a big misunderstanding. Please listen to me-”

 When I tried to catch her gaze, every last bit of hurt that covered her face had completely disappeared. She looked empty and cold, something I never wanted to see again. Had I caused this?

 “That’s the thing Bea...I don’t know who you are anymore. You’re not the same Bea who I watched walk onto campus and win the hearts of so many people...including mine.”

 I whipped my head up to stare at her like a deer caught in headlights. 

...I won her heart?

 A few beats of silence passed before I spoke again, my voice hoarse from all of the emotions I refused to display. I am stubborn, yes. I wanted to hear it from Zoey, I wanted her to tell me that she adored me. I wanted to know it was real, that it was never one sided. But it seems like the universe was always meant to be against me.

 “Zoey...I-”

 “No Bea. Just stop...I can’t do this right now.” Her shoulders freeze up as she exhales, a puff of breath glistening in the air as she wraps her arms around herself to shield the cold. “You aren’t my Bea...I don’t even think you realize how much you’ve hurt me, and that lets me know where you stand with...us.”

 She was wrong. Dead wrong. I did everything in my power to help her. To help us. It wasn’t fair that we would have this conversation in the middle of a fight, but I wasn’t going to let her end this. She will not walk away from me like this. I couldn’t hold my tongue anymore, any longer and I’d bite it clean off.

 “Zoey are you serious? That is not true! How are you going to admit your feelings and then walk off like it means nothing to me? Do I not deserve to have a say?”

 Zoey stood up straighter, the words that came out of her mouth were bitter. If I stood any closer to her, my skin would burn from the venom she spit.

 “The only thing you deserve to feel is the fact that you ruined every last bit of hope that we would be together. You don’t deserve me Bea...I can’t believe I didn’t realize that from the beginning..” She scoffs and shakes her head at me sadly, wiping the tears off of her face with her painted arms. 

 “What the hell does that mean? Zoey you-”

 “NO BEA! Can’t you see it? It always has to be about YOU. You’re the center of attention right? Ever since you started hanging out with Poppy’s lackeys...you’ve changed. I think you forget about the reason you have such expensive clothes on your back. How people only hang around you because of your status. But I’m not them Bea...I think you need to realize that I was the only person in all of Belvoire who wanted to know the real you.”

 “What are you saying Zoey?”

 “...You’d be nothing without me. Not here at least. This school never took your kind well, hell not even my kind.”

 A sharp laugh left my throat as I processed her words. I’d be nothing without her? This must be some kind of joke! How dare she even admit that?

She’s not wrong Bea. I stepped closer, ignoring the voice in my head and scoffed bitterly as my body trembled with adrenaline.

 “Is that right?”

  I raised my voice higher,  whipping my arms out towards the sky. “You hear that everyone? Me, Bea Hughes, would be nothing without Zoey Wade..” I lowered my hands and jabbed my finger in her direction. “You got a lot of nerve sayin’ that, am I correct? You know...Poppy was right about you being a social climber. That’s why you hung around me right? To use me?”

 “I don’t have to prove my feelings to you-”

 “But isn’t that what you said? I mean you’re right, I am popular. Is that what the problem is here? Is it jealousy that you feel? Keep in mind, before I waltzed on this campus you were a nobody. So the truth is Zoey Wade...you’d be nothing

 I jabbed my finger accusingly at her chest once more

 “without“

 Twice more

 “me..“

 A streak of blazing fire sent me stumbling backwards as her hand connected with my cheek. I clutched the tender area and reeled back to see blood staining my palms from the small cut her ring gave me. I totally deserve that don’t I? 

I turned to see Zoey inching towards me and I braced myself for another hit, but it never came. 

 “...Don’t ever speak to me like that again.“ Zoey shakes her quietly as she stares at her feet. Her voice vibrated loudly yet broke as she spoke, “I thought you were different...but Poppy has changed you. This game has changed you.”

 “Oh please-”

 Zoey snaps her head up to look at me. “Look in the mirror Bea, do you even recognize yourself anymore? I doubt it...you’re so blinded by this hunger for power that you ruin everything in your path. You’re becoming just like...” Her next words felt like a thousand needles were embedded in my palms. 

 “No...you are Poppy”. 

My breath caught in my throat as I stood there in shock.

If you had told me that my ex best friend would be telling me those exact words, I’d laugh in your face and throw a party celebrating my Poppy-free persona. But was she right? Had I tarnished everything I once cherished because of this obsession I have with my enemy? A thousand thoughts were running through my mind and I didn’t shake out of that trance until I realized that Zoey had already started walking away, shedding tomato off of her on the way.

Before I could stop myself, I shouted forcefully

 “Hey! Who do you think you’re walking away from? Zoey we’re not done!”

 Maybe that was the ignorance she was trying to tell me about..

 Zoey turned around one final time, her eyes full of grief for only a second until hardening, “Bea...do yourself a favor and humble yourself. Don’t forget where you came from...because trust me, they will never  let you forget.” 

~

 I let out a shaky breath as I watched Zoey walk away. 

I find it ironic how this tragedy has allowed me to realize how corrupted I’ve become. The picture of her walking away will forever be embedded in my mind, but one thing I can attest to is that Zoey never deserved to be dragged into the mess I made. 

 So I watched her walk out of my life, because maybe that’s exactly what I deserved. Maybe it’s what she deserved too. Only a fool would allow her to leave that night, and I was the biggest fool that ever set foot at Belvoire.

[blubberquark]

Belated Protector Postmortem

I made the game Protector for the 46th Ludum Dare game jam. I did not make a tumblr post about it during the jam. Don’t think Protector is my best jam game, but what can you expect from a jam game? Hardly a glowing endorsement, I know. Download it from itch.io at this link, or don’t.

With some distance, I think it’s interesting to tell you why I don‘t think Protector is that good... or maybe “good” is not the right word. Some friends and other Ludum Dare entrants had encouraged me (privately) to keep working on it after the jam and fix the bugs. In my opinion, Protector is fine the way it is (for a jam game anyway), but any more work on it will be a waste of time. There will be no post-compo releases of Protector.

If you are just getting started making games, Protector could be a good example of when to stop working on a prototype. But first, let’s do the usual “game jam postmortem“ song and dance.

Game Description

In this moody puzzle-ish platformer, you control an invincible character tasked with guiding a small (and very vincible) dog through the level. You cannot control the dog.

Instead you can pick up and throw a bone, but you can’t carry the bone. When you press the bone throwing button a second time, the dog will chase after the bone.

One the dog is running, you cannot stop it. You also cannot call the dog to return to you. You have to clear the path for the dog before you let it loose.

What Went Right

Scope: I scoped Protector aggressively minimal. I remember feeling a bit under the weather on the first day of the jam, so I decided to take it easy and submit something small. I was okay with submitting a small game in the jam category. I just had this idea I wanted to try out.

There is only one level, and it’s not all that big. I submitted on the morning of the third day, with everything I wanted in the game, without losing any sleep, and with some time to spare.

Theme: The idea was my own take on that last level in Bastion, when the kid carries the battering ram, but as an escort mission. The main character was supposed to be some kind of brute or barbarian loosely inspired by the barbarian class in Diablo II. Obviously you keep a dog alive, because that’s the theme of the jam.

Character Designs: I think nailed it with the brute and dog sprites. The brute is big and faceless, and the dog is small and cute. The proportions of the brute convey that he is strong and slow, and his shield (but no sword) should clue you in about his purpose.

Simple Dog Behaviour: The dog runs and bounces around pretty quickly. Once the dog is running, all bets are off, because you are too slow to catch up. You have to set everything up so the dog won’t kill himself, because he’s not a cat with nine lives. He is a dumb dog.

Any kind of AI or pathfinding would have made the dog less predictable, and the main objective of the game is to keep it alive (that was the theme of the jam), so simple, fast, predictable movement was key. The player has to be able to predict the dog’s path before it starts running.

Level Design: The level is not that big. There is a variety of obstacles and set pieces, and these are all easy for the player character to navigate, but potentially lethal to the dog. In addition to multiple platforming challenges, there are two unique “set pieces” that break up the monotony.

There are five different ways for the dog to die, and the level is constructed to make the player experience each of them once. Some are obvious, like the lightning cloud and the tower that shoots arrows, but the level is designed so that every player dies at least once. After mastering an obstacle once, it should pose no challenge on repeat playthroughs.

What Went Wrong

Controls: The controls are very simple, based on only the four arrow keys, X and C. These can be mapped to the left stick and first two buttons of a gamepad. In walk mode, the two buttons jump and call the dog, and the “up” direction is used to raise the shield.

In throw mode, with the left/right axis controls the throwing angle, and the up/down angle controls the velocity. This control scheme feels too cumbersome. The X key is used for calling the dog and throwing the bone, based on context. This also feels cumbersome, but it makes it less likely for players to accidentally throw or call the dog when they want to jump. I still had to resort to putting the controls on the screen at all times.

For gamepad controls it would have made more sense to use the direction of the left stick for the throwing angle and velocity. For keyboard+mouse controls I could have implemented a mouse-based throwing system like in Gunpoint or a parabola indicator that shows where the bone will land. I could also have gone the other way with a Worms style throwing system in which the throwing velocity is proportional to the time the button was held. As is, the throwing uses the same buttons as platforming, but it doesn’t feel good.

Bone Physics: The bone physics was kind of bouncy and floaty. I implemented my own physics because the bone was the only object in the whole game that needs halfway realistic bouncy collisions. The player and the dog use platformer physics, so there was no need for a physics engine like Box2D, libODE, or pymunk. The bone is modelled like a simple spinning ball. I could have made the bone less bouncy to give the player more control, maybe even cheated by making it less bouncy only in the x-direction. I could also have gone in the other direction and modelled the bone as a rectangle or two balls connected by a line.

Dog Platforming: The dog sometimes gets stuck in a wall or on a ledge. This is bad. I could fix this by making the dog fall down or turn around when this happens, but that would make the problem worse. I’d rather have the dog (or the bone) stuck in a weird position until the player gets it out than having it sit inside a pit in an unwinnable position with believable physics.

The way bone physics and platforming work is very janky, but that is because the obvious fix would have unacceptable gameplay consequences.

Main Gameplay Loop: It goes like this: throw bone - move into position - let dog loose - wait for dog - retrieve bone - throw bone - move into position, and so on. There is no way to call the dog back because that would make certain puzzles too easy, no way to set multiple way points for the dog, no way to ask the dog to fetch the bone back to you, and no way to carry the bone - otherwise you could just walk over and drop the bone there.

The gameplay loop as it stands just doesn’t allow that many puzzles, and changes to the gameplay would make the current puzzles too easy. Adding more content is more or less incompatible with the current gameplay, and changes to the gameplay loop would break the existing balance.

Allowing the player to carry the bone, to use different tools than the shield, to call the dog back would destroy the game design.

What I Learned

Escort missions suck. I already knew that hidden complex systems are not fun, but even indirect interaction based on simple systems is hard to get right. Beyond that, I did not try anything new and outlandish. I just had the idea about the big protector and the little dog.

The most surprising thing was how poorly Protector was rated in the “Mood” category given the relatively high theme score. Having no sound really did me no favours, and neither did the GameBoy screen resolution or the 5-colour palette.

But importantly, despite all the gameplay shortcomings, this still works as a short game. If the game is short enough, it can be carried by novelty, and players will forgive janky controls, even if the controls are part of the game’s main difficulty. I relied on this insight in other jam games, but it does not translate to long-form games.

This is a bit meta, but it is important to understand when a game design does not work. To some degree I think game jams even encourage a kind of toxic positivity towards young people learning to program. By all means, you should encourage people who want to try their hand at game design, and you should not go out of your way to disparage teenagers learning to code or programmers who make programmer art because the graphic design in their enterprise software day job is done in a different department. All too often, instead of “keep it up“, we tell people who are getting started to keep working on their jam games. If a game has load of bugs, on some level it would be nice to have them fixed, and these bugs are an obvious starting point for a post-jam version of the game - but when I see buggy games with experimental gameplay ideas, I don’t always encourage the devs to keep tweaking the mechanics until it works. Some experiments have negative results, and that’s okay.

Some jam entries are great games, successful experiments if you will, but they can’t easily be made into longer games. That’s also okay.

Can We Fix This?

“But hypothetically” you ask me, “how would you turn Protector into a longer game if I hired you to be a game designer?”

Okay. Hypothetically. In this hypothetical world, you pay by the hour, no unpaid overtime, and no bonus based on how well the game sells ;-)

We need a story that glues all the levels together, and the dog platforming would be at most a third of the game. Maybe in some levels you and the dog fight side by side, maybe you explore some of the levels with the dog on a leash, maybe you tie the leash to a post at the level entrance and come back when you have cleared everything.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to have through-line that connects different types of gameplay, different set pieces and minigames.

In order to make the platforming and puzzle solving more interesting, you would have a different load-out in different levels. Some platforms are dog-only, and you would throw the bone (or a tennis ball) up there because you can’t reach it yourself. You would need a way to recall the bone (or tennis ball) or a way to recall the dog, maybe a dog whistle. Maybe you just have a limited supply of dog treats per level. Earlier levels just have the bone, and shield, later ones introduce mobility items for the player character, tennis balls, a collar, a leash, dog treats, a dog whistle, and so on.

It would be a fun idea (or a gimmick) to have most of the upgrades be for the dog, but that’s not very fun to actually play.

Another possible problem is if the dog handling becomes an afterthought, or a drag in the player, going back to fetch the dog after the level has been cleared. Escort missions are not held in high regard among players, so this could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

With all these mobility items and larger levels, we would need an improved dog AI. We also could not have the dog fall into a pit of spikes, instead it should refuse to jump into unsafe distances, and somehow communicate to the player. We would also need a way to get the dog back down if it got up the wrong platform, and a way for the player to reset progress to the last check point or re-fill dog treats without creating an exploitable loophole where the player can just walk back and forth to the vending machine and win a level with infinite dog treats.

Oh no, the dog AI sounds complicated now. Complicated hidden systems are not fun, and training AI-powered animals is not that difficult code-wise, but it is difficult to pull off in a way that is fun and legible to the player. I still remember Black&White. Those animals were a gimmick. Somehow we need a way for the dog to communicate things to the player. Can the dog talk? Is there a bark code? Can the dog smell things?

One thing we absolutely must not do is vary the dog AI between levels. Players will have a really hard time as is, because the smarter the dog gets, the easier it becomes to accidentally mis-predict what it will do.

Think about all the parts of this rather comprehensive proposal: Complex AI, some kind of story, different controls, unlockable items, and level/puzzle design that integrates all of the above, all written from scratch or re-written for the bigger game. I’d rather spend the time on something else.

[kareofbears]

How could I give Akechi a redemption arc in my fanfic?

whoa this is such a fun question I'm going to be sitting on my floor for awhile ok OK LETS GO 

sweeping this under the cut since, wow, it’s long

first off, thanks for asking me! I'm surprised, since I'm not really an akechi blog but by god do i have a lot to say about him. second thing to note--obviously this is all my opinion, etc

so, to me, akechi is an irredeemable character, but there’s a little asterisk to that because he’s an irredeemable character in what canon presented to us. this is due to three things: 

No redemption arc 

He didn’t want a redemption arc AKA no guilt and no desire to change who he is or even just regretting his actions

The people who were affected by his horrible actions are still in the process of grieving and are still being affected by it every day

In order to give akechi goro a full redemption arc, we need to solve these three aspects of what made/makes him a bad person. 

while it’s completely possible to fix smaller aspects of his character in a short fic if that’s what you were looking for, i think that a full-fledged fic is what you need if you want to fully redeem akechi. like, I'm talking a fairly chonky word count. it would take a lot to solve those three issues, so you do need to devote a lot of words to do that.

and before i actually start suggesting some solutions, i want to make it clear: i think that you should stick to akechi’s canon personality as close as possible while you’re writing redemption arc. i say that because often times I've seen fic authors make akechi toothless, and nicer, but the thing is if you want to make a redemption arc for this ireedemable character you have to keep the aspects that made him ireedemable in the first place. obviously, fic authors should do whatever the fuck they want, but for a redemption arc, i think you should stick very close to akechi’s personality in p5/r

okay lets actually get to it. to make things easier to digest, I have made *jenny Nicholson voice* a numbered list!

part one: no redemption arc

you’re already nailing problem number 1, but let’s talk about the format of a redemption arc! while there are endless exceptions, you’re PROBABLY doing akechi’s arc in one of three ways: 

he’s forced to work with them/be around them/etc and he finds something in himself: the desire to be redeemed. 

this is a tough one and i assume this is the one you’re writing but i could be wrong! the reason this is tough is because you have to write akechi wanting to be redeemed. and this is hard because he’s a fucking bastard! but the very nature of his bastard-ness is what makes a redemption arc so so compelling. 

a redemption arc is almost like an enemies to lovers trope where you have to force the Bad Person to be around the one that they want to be redeemed by (Let’s say the Phantom Thieves, even though i don't know the premise of your fic). 

For formatting, you have to establish why he’s a bad person (but you don’t really need to put that much effort into it since the audience already knows why), force them to work together so they can all get to know each other better, create an environment/insert a scene that forces them all to work together so that the PTs understand that “wow akechi’s really wanting to change! I thought he was lying”, have some more scenes together where they bond without realizing it, have a climactic scene where they’re all realizing their worth and they work together like a team for real, and happy ending (i hope.)

but remember! somewhere in the beginning, akechi must have the realization that he actually wants to be better, and the PTs must have see him being better or at least trying to. 

AND, i don’t know how huge or grandiose your fic is going to be in terms of plot, but plot is super useful in redemption arcs because it forces the PTs to focus on something that isn’t akechi’s horribleness. the plot is supposed what drives the redemption arc, it’s what makes them keep akechi rather than just kick them out. if you’re doing a more “set in reality” fic, you can have one of the phantom thieves to want to keep akechi around and that can be the plot--if you want. that’s only a suggestion as to why they would want to keep akechi around despite hating him. 

he is feeling guilty/had a bit of a change of heart so now he’s working to gain their forgiveness

easy peasy! you already got the biggest hurdle over with, which is find a reason why akechi would even want to be redeemed. everything else is the same, except now it’s probably a little easier on you! go you!

he gets redeemed by accident

now this is kinda funny, but it’s still the same formatting as my first point: he’s there with the PTs, accidentally gets to know them and be known in return, they work together and see each others values, he learns what he did is wrong but this time it matters because he cares about them, he unintentionally tries to make it up to them, the climax comes around and they work together, and happy ending. 

formats don't really matter, but they personally help me think of the grand scope of things without needing the smaller details :)

part two: he didn’t want a redemption arc

i kinda already talked about that in part one, but really this is a driving factor. if we’re sticking to canon, why does he want to be redeemed? what changed? because there has to be a change, no matter how close we want to stick to canon. you have to justify the reasonings behind this because if you forget the motivation of akechi’s journey, it might end up being hollow and incomprehensible 

in nearly every action that akechi takes, it must be towards redemption (unless these are the early stages). but hey, as per usual, there’s an exception: akechi can have a withdrawal of some sort. 

this would be great actually, because it’s more realistic than just having a perfect line to redemption that’s unwavering. this is called the third act slump--the plan failed, everyone is sad, etc. this is to raise the stakes of the story, remind the audience what would happen if everything “went back to normal”, and also show the characters are not perfect and they can actually fail. 

but, and this is just me, i hate the third act slump. hate it!! it makes me sad!!! so it’s really up to you whether or not you want to do it. 

part three: the people affected

now, this is the part where you have to bust ass as a writer, because this is the real reason why akechi’s irreedemable--he did a lot of bad fucking shit. he killed two of the thieves’ parents, loads of other people, actually very nearly killed akira. like. no. that's horrible. it��s iredeemably horrible. i hate him actually. and so does everyone else in the thieves.

this is the part of the ask where i can’t really help you. it’s up to you how you want to fix it, because there’s so many ways you can do this. you can have them forgive him, not forgive him. they can punch him and not feel better, they can give him the cold shoulder.

that’s why i think sumire works so well with akechi--she doesn’t have any of the baggage that the thieves have towards akechi. 

but hey, just cause it’s hard doesn’t mean its impossible! it really depends on what you want to do and how to do it. it depends on your characterization of who akechi is, who akira is, who futaba is, and who haru is since those are the people affected the most. 

but i think I'm finally done here. that was super long, but i hope you found that helpful in some way! :)