#I know it’s because I have problems visualizing my own future but god damn. These are the years of my life I should be enjoying

[emmebearpaw]

uh oh local tumblr user had a lot of fun recently and socialized and now the not having fun part of life is making them want to cry because the fun part of life is better

[hms-no-fun]

what was the most frustrating and/or fun part involved in formatting godfeels?

the first thing to know is that when i started gf1 i knew jack shit about html and css. i've always REALLY struggled with coding, but i forced myself to learn when faced with the horrible possibility of publishing a homestuck fic in all-black lucida. can you imagine??

i didn't do this on purpose, but as the series went along i always found a new thing that i wanted to try to test my own meager abilities as a novice code understander. it's funny, i very specifically remember writing these lines in gf1--

--and thinking, man, that's a really cool effect! breaking the grammar rules for emotional impact by having "leave" on its own line separated by line breaks like that is pretty much where the entire meta aspect of godfeels started, and you could even go so far as to say that this is the moment when the gf universe becomes metaphysically distinct from homestuck? idk if that's the best way to put it but looking back on it and even at the time, this moment always felt extremely important as a style choice with narrative implications.

formatting is a pain in the ass, but it gets less so every time i format a chapter. i've got a whole process now that i might go into at length sometime down the line (that'll be a long post though and probably won't have time for that in the immediate future), but i can tell you that my best friend is ctrl+f. the nice thing about homestuck's dialogue style is that you have these repeated consistent handles at the start of every line of dialogue. so you write a chapter and then you find and replace every instance of "Vriska:" with "<span class="vriska">Vriska:" and by god you're like 40% there!

uh. that is, if you keep your text color to the dialogue. which i... don't.

there's a lot of the process that's really tedious, but like, i play a lot of open world games. i kinda like tedium. i've got cut/paste bound to hotkeys so when i'm going through putting </span><br /> at the end of every line of dialogue i just put on some steely dan and hit f3 a bunch. hotkeys are also my best friend, they have saved me SO MUCH wrist strain (i think it was the Risk & Dare chapter that finally pushed me to learn what the fuck a hotkey is lmao).

the most ANNOYING formatting is always always always in the narration. when terezi's narration breaks and she just has a few letters showing through? yo that shit takes forever. then the way June, Risk, and Dare show who's fronting any given thought requires me to pay real close attention to the text as i'm going (i manually format my docs so that they look how they will when finished, it's really tough for me to feel the scene if it's not visually accurate)-- which wouldn't be a problem except i'm always in such a goddamned hurry that i start formatting immediately after deciding that a draft is ready to publish, which means i've probably been writing since dawn and now it's like 8pm and formatting will only take like an hour so i might as well just get it out of the way EXCEPT IT ALWAYS TAKES TWICE AS LONG because chapter 8 was a fucking BEHEAMOTH that damn near killed me

what's nice about having a team is that they can tell you "hey, maybe you should wait until tomorrow so you can do a finally quality check when you haven't been awake for 18 hours"

the most fun part of formatting is honestly just seeing the finished product. as much as godfeels is a work of prose fiction, it's always felt distinctly visual to me in a way that was heavily influenced by the likes of house of leaves and (closer to home) nellcromancer's revolution 23 years in the making. i spend a lot of time fine-tuning the amount of scrolling people have to do to get through any given chapter to make sure it's paced correctly, make sure it FEELS the way i want it to feel. a lot of times in the doc the more abstract formatting is stuff that i leave in brackets, like for instance the huge color scroll at the start of the ch8 epilogue.

that one was hypothetical and ready to be on the chopping block until like a day before i published the chapter. a lot of the formatting tricks i've done are built off of things i did before, right- so i did the linebreaks in the screenshot from gf1 above, and expanded that style choice exponentially with each chapter. i wanted to have a cut to black in one of the early parts of ch8 that zoe figured out from me, then i modified her code to allow for Epigone's ugly-ass green background when it takes over (something i didn't plan until i realized it was possible with tools i already had --see how that works?). so when i needed to signal symbolically a physical journey through the layers of each aspect of reality without explicitly revealing WHO was doing the journeying (i wanted you to presume it was "us" and that the "us" VV addressed until July left the scene was literally "us" and not Roxy & Callie), i felt like wrangling the css to do that would be a pain... but then i sat down and just sorta mapped it out?

and by god it just WORKED. that to me felt like a huge accomplishment, that i finally understood the tools i was working with enough to be able to plan it out in advance.

there's so many formatting moments like when Dare screams "YES!" at June, or in gf2.3 when June's completely shattered and drifting as Dare and Risk through her own consciousness with this fits and starts of unknowable perspective shifts, seeing them actually WORK on the page is unparalleled. there's always so much shit getting in the way of the words when it's not done, all those fucking squiggles (which i mostly turn off but sometimes they're helpful for spelling) and all the slight differences in how they process the shape and feel of different fonts, it's never until i see it on ao3 that it feels RIGHT to me. and that's the best part, always

[zedecksiew]

Kriegsmesser

When I received Kriegsmesser in the mail I finally googled "kriegsmesser", and found out it meant "war knife". Which makes sense; Gregor Vuga's ZineQuest 2021 project is a tribute to "roleplaying games named after medieval weapons".

I love Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay's piss-renaissance Old World setting. I tend to pick up WFRP-a-likes sight unseen:

Warlock (quality);

Small But Vicious Dog (yesss);

Zweihander (which I have come to hate); etc.

Anyway: I backed Kriegsmesser without really knowing anything about it. So Kriegsmesser surprised me.

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Kriegsmesser grew out of a Troika! cutting. Its 36 backgrounds are compatible with that system: each come with a couple of lines of description; a list of skills and possessions; an a visual cameo cropped from actual 16th-Century woodcut art.

Cohesive and competently flavourful. My favourite is the Labourer, who always starts with "an empty pine box":

"You've spent your life breaking your back, working hard for other people's profit. You have nothing to show for it but a spectre of the future."

(The obligatory ratcatcher-analogue , called the Vermin Snatcher, is here -- check that box!)

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Kriegsmesser also comes with its own ruleset. Hits all the notes it needs to, with lots of orientation and advice for how to run a game -- but ultimately super-simple, mechanically:

Roll d6s equal to the value in a relevant skill, look at the highest result. 6 means you get what you want; 5 or 4 means you get what you want, at a cost.

It's not quite a dice pool, since only the highest result matters. No opposed tests.

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Kriegsmesser intends to have this base mechanic handle fights, too. The combat rules - with armour, toughness and weapon values -- are nested in an optional section.

For a WFRP-a-like, this feels like a purposeful departure.

Many of WFRP's most celebrated adventures are celebrated for bits that their underlying ruleset does little to support: the investigative structure of "Shadows Over Bogenhafen"; the complicated timetable of "Rough Night At Three Feathers".

Ludwig von Wittgenstein never needed a statblock to be memorable.

Not to say that lethal, hyper-detailed fights isn't super Warhammer-y. (Kriegsmesser includes an injury table, broken down by body-part -- check that box!)

But here it feels like Gregor is saying: "I'm not Games Workshop and Roleplay isn't an ancillary of Warhammer Fantasy Battle; we can evoke grim-and-perilous-ness even if we fork away from heavy combat rules."

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It has become ritual for me to read my partner Sharon to sleep.

Sometimes I read her RPG things. The other night, after I read her Kriegsmesser's introduction --

" The Empire wages an eternal war against Chaos. Its priests preach of Chaos as an intrusion, something unnatural ... These men see Chaos in anything that does not buttress their rule. They call it disorder, anarchy, corruption. They say that to rebel against their order is to rebel against god and nature. That the current arrangement is natural, rather than artificial.

" Meanwhile, the common people look to the Empire to deliver the justice that they were promised and they find none. They look to the Empire and do not see themselves reflected in it. They look around at what they were taught was right and good and see only misery.

" Their world begins to unravel. Chaos comes to reside in every heart and mind sound enough to look at the world and conclude it is broken. "

-- Sharon remarked: "Nice one."

The RPG things I read her generally leave Sharon lukewarm. She has enjoyed a couple -- but, yeah: for many of these books, text isn't their strong point.

Kriegsmesser is the only time I can recall Sharon praising the writing of an RPG book without my prompting.

Nice one.

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That introduction surprised me. It underlines Kriegsmesser's biggest departure from its WFRP-a-like pedigree: how it characterises Chaos.

Corruption, a mainstay of most grim-dark-y games, is made an optional rule, like combat. Explaining this, Gregor writes:

" Kriegsmesser partially subverts or deconstructs the traditional conceit of Warhammer where the characters are threatened by the forces of Chaos. In this game it is the player characters who are the agents of 'Chaos': they are likely to become the 'rats' under the streets, and the wild 'beast-men' in the woods bringing civilisation down. It's the Empire and its nobles and priests that are corrupt ... "

Describing the Empire, Gregor writes:

" The Empire encompasses the world yet is terrified of the without. It enforces itself with steel and fire yet considers itself benevolent. It consumes the labour of others with bottomless hunger yet calls its subalterns lazy, or wasteful, or greedy. "

Holy shit this is the first time I've seen the word "subaltern" in an RPG thing, I think?

I love this.

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Rant incoming:

With every passing decade Warhammer abridges its Moorcockian roots more and more; nowadays it is "Order = Good" and "Chaos = Evulz", pretty much.

Gone are the days when chaos berserkers are implied to grant safe passage to the helpless (because Khorne is as much a god of martial honour as he is a god of bloodletting); Or that the succor of Papa Nurgle is a genuine comfort to the downtrodden; Or that Tzeentch could unironically embody the principle of hope, of change for the better.

As Chaos is distilled into unequivocal villainy, Order goons get painted as Good Guys by default --

Giving rise to Warhammer's contemporary problem, wherein fans are no longer able to recognise satire.

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When I was introduced to 40K, it seemed pretty clear that the Imperium was a Brazil-esque absurdist-fascist bureaucratic state: planets are exterminatus-ed due to clerical error; the way it stamps out rebellions is the reason why rebellions begin in the first place.

Tragi-comic grimdarkness. That was the point.

Nowadays that tone has shifted -- and you're more likely than not going to encounter a 40K fan who argues that the Imperium's evils are a justified necessity, to prevent worse wrongs.

We went from:

"Space Nazis because insane dumbass fuckery, also chainswords vroom vroom rule of badass!"

To:

"Space Nazis because it makes sense actually, and also chainswords make sense because [insert convoluted rationalisation here]."

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Even Fantasy Flight's Black Crusade line, which ostensibly offers a look at 40K from the perspective of Chaos, never truly commits to its conceit.

With prep you could play a heroic band of mutant freedom fighters, resisting the tyranny of the Evil Imperium --

But I don't remember Black Crusade giving that kind of campaign any actual support. Its supplements service the relatively more conventional "You can play villains!" angle; the Screaming Vortex is a squarely Daemons-vs-Daemons setting.

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This tonal drift culminates, in my mind, with Age of Sigmar, Games Workshop's heroic-fantasy replacement of the old WFRP / WHFB setting.

Here's the framing narrative for AoS's recently-launched Third Edition. Let's see whether I've got things right:

A highly professionalised, technologically-superior tip-of-the-spear fighting force (the Stormcast Eternals);

Backed by an imperialist military-industrial complex (Azyrheim);

"Liberating" rich new territories (Ghur) for exploitation by a civilised settler culture (Settlers of Sig-- I mean, Free Cities);

Justified because the locals are irredeemable heathens (Chaos and Kruleboyz).

I mean, that's a sweet-ass Warhammer setting. It's contemporary, laser-guided lampoon. Except it is played totally straight.

In AoS, a literal crusade is justified as the moral good.

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I think Kriegsmesser surprised me because its framing of Chaos -- as a promise, as the light of hope shining through cracks of a broken world --

It feels so fucking right.

Yes: its a subaltern deconstruction of the conventional moral universe of Warhammer -- but it is a take that is also already implied / all but supported in the various depictions of the setting: from WFRP to the modified title-crawl of Black Crusade.

I'm annoyed I didn't think of it, myself. Damn you, Gregor!

And I'm annoyed that more Warhammer fans aren't thinking it, also.

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lmagine if Kriegsmesser's perspective stood on equal standing as the GW orthodoxy. Imagine if, instead of simplifying stuff into "Order = Good" and "Chaos = Evulz", GW did a Gregor Vuga.

You'd have a Rashomon-ed Warhammer, where villainy depends on perspective:

You are fearful villagers, huddled around your priest, muttering prayers against the wild braying coming from the trees beyond your gates.

You are Aqshyian tribeswomen, defying the thunder warrior towering over you, the foreigner demanding you bow to his foreign god.

You are a Tzeentchian revolutionary cell, desperately trying to disrupt a Inquisitor's transmissions so your home planet isn't destroyed by fascist orbital fire.

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Get Kriegsmesser HERE.

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( Image sources: https://theenemywithinremixed.wordpress.com/2021/05/21/thoughts-on-the-4e-death-on-the-reik/ https://www.criterion.com/current/posts/59-brazil https://www.deviantart.com/faroldjo/art/Warhammer-40k-Black-Crusade-273596035 https://www.warhammer-community.com/2021/06/09/fancy-a-new-life-bringing-order-to-the-mortal-realms-join-a-dawnbringer-crusade-today/ https://www.nme.com/blogs/the-movies-blog/team-america-15-anniversary-south-park-2558750 https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Palestinian_children_and_Israeli_wall.jpg )

[prof-peach]

If you could cross over two of your favorite games, which would you choose? Please explain, why that crossover would be a good match.

Oh you’re going to regret asking this one, I’m bout to GET SERIOUS.

So Pokemon, obvs, I love the whole world it’s built in, but the games imo are REALLY boring, I haven’t enjoyed one a lot since gale of darkness, the main ones just are a little too linear obvious plots, pretty standard setups for story and style. Speaking of style, the games lack personality, the models aren’t animated well, moves have no dynamic energy or visual difference at times, and the turn based battle style just feels kind of, I don’t know, old? Slow? Just doesn’t suit what I enjoy personally, gives me a FInal Fantasy vibe and I just cannot stand the speed at which things happen in those games, plus not into 3rd person ‘let’s build a team of people’ much, but that’s a problem for another time. With this all in mind, the game I wish would happen is like gen20 Pokemon, far future sadly, I doubt I’d see it in my lifetime but god I’d be happy if I did!

Ok so take the newest Zelda graphics, the visual treat that was BOTW, open world, puzzles, not JUST combat, you got side missions, hunt the chickens, find missing pets, parcels, items, whatever. Love it! The horse taming?! Amazing you funky little game. Now take the bad guys and beasts from that. And put Pokemon in instead. Give them the diversity, the life and believable natures that BOTW gave the animals, I followed a frog in BOTW for 15 minutes, and it was a great experience, it felt like it was believable. Above world spawning, ACTUAL difficult gameplay, rare spawn rates, make dragons hard to get again, cmon, it’s too easy now, make it so we need a certain set of Pokemon for certain tasks. Water types big enough to carry you will be able to get you to new areas, rock types that can help you climb mountains faster, or break through blocking boulders. Actual towns with more than 4 houses in them, shops, barns, farms, homes. Like little link with the heat, maybe ice types would struggle in volcano areas, or bug Pokemon not be so comfortable in gale force winds. Give the weather more of an effect on your partners. Mounts, don’t even get me started that Pokemon Let’s go had you able to ride any of the larger species, but swsh did not???? Bitch please, give me my rideable Pokemon. The wild area too was far too closed, limited, online was laggy and a mess, camping is limited, let me do more with my team. Pokemon for me is all about the actual creatures, how they live with humans, and the many wonderful things they’re capable of. Yes of course it’s cool they can fight, but like what else you know?

I’d love a game that lets me buy a plot of land, maybe plant things, custom build things. I’m a sucker for the fallout4 settlement builds when they’re modded to hell and back, they’re fun! It can be a really calm and creative process. If I could do that and skip the main campaign and all the battles for a bit? Amazing, it sound perfect for me. I am that distracted hoe collecting flowers while the kingdom burns in the background. Side quests are everything to me. Let me give homeless people enough money to get them in a home? Let me adopt Pokemon that are stray around the town? Plz oh plz bring me a Pokemon game that allows me to work WITH my team to do more than KO other species. I want to save and buy a plow for my buddy gogoat, and grow amazing foods to sell to get currency to spend in decorations, to spoil my team. Give me actual game consequence, if I ignore that sick and injured Pokemon I find in the wild, later maybe it’s family don’t want to help me out with a different problem, too stricken from grief. I am all about the average bits, the old women who need help, the lost pets board in town, the general day to day stuff. Let me get cosmetic items for the Pokemon I keep, cute outfits, special gemstone items, let me actually live with them, or even feel remotely like they’re realistic.

Ok so in game, if it’s looking like BOTW it’s pretty beautiful but also stylised, I’d have it so you can send out a maximum of 3 Pokemon from your 6, using bumpers and such to throw them out. If you hit the trigger you switch from controlling the human trainer, to the Pokemon you’ve targeted with a standard lock on targeting system. You then can be the leader, but be the Pokemon. You could technically defeat the game without a human if you wanted, which incorporates the mystery dungeon games I think, and caters to that crowd. I’d love to see the use of attacks out of battle, things like using water gun to grow plants, using ember to start a campfire faster and stave off the cold. There’s no consequence to Pokemon anymore, and I think that’s where it’s lost me. I have to admit I miss the days of a poisoned pokemon fainting if you don’t heal them soon enough, I miss gym battles that were actually tough, damn, try picking charmander in red and beating brock without grinding in viridian forest first, it’s not easy. And I loved that. Yes it’s a child’s game, it will never be difficult again, but god it’d be nice to have a bit of a challenge, or maybe a difficulty setting, so some could play it with hostility turned off, great for kids, or you can be n adult like I know so many Pokemon fans are, and play it on expert mode and ACTUALLY have to work hard to beat the game. Alternate skill trees anyone? Train gun a fire type to ACUTALLy combat water moves?? Please! Cmon! It frustrated me that every challenger has pretty much a systematic set of moves to use to win. Grass opponent? Fire attack spam until you win. It’s dull, so at least with very difficult tricks to either find or learn in game would make it more achievable if you can send that fire type in and I don’t know, train them so much the heat evaporates the water mid-battle and you suddenly have a shot at winning. Pokemon has taught me that if you work hard enough you can achieve something, but the games just have such strict ways to win. Feels wrong.

In terms of battling, let us BE the Pokemon, let us learn to dodge, train our speed, train our defence, make a team of truly tough Pokemon instead of just, average? Some species have a cap on their skills, a squirtle has lower stat points than a Charizard, but you can’t ever change that? Let me choose the Pokemon I believe in, and let me work with them until they’re just as good, if not better than the game tanks. This would also make online battles more interesting. Everyone picks the top trio. Fairy, dragon, legendaries. And yknow what? It’s boring. That one IRL fight with the monster Pacharisu that won in the world tournament with follow me and the situs Berry? Unbelievable, I love that little rat so much because of this, so let us all have a chance to build a team that’s strategically viable, strong, and potentially a winner formula, even if they aren’t fully evolved, or the biggest Pokemon in the world. Yeah maybe you have to grind way harder with your unevolved Pokemon, but you get to the end game and win, because you put love and time into species that you enjoy, not just good fighters.

Unfortunately I am beholdent to Todd-idiot-Howard, and I love the Eldrescrolls and fallout games (before they got dumb, not that I don’t play the new ones. 76 I’m looking at you, you big asshole game.) honestly I hate online games, so none of that junk, just a good old fashioned open world sandbox game is plenty. Games for me are an escape from others, not an invitation to socialise. To each their own of course, and I do play online games sometimes, just pretty short lived ones, over watch and rdr2 for example. Would they be sometimes better on private servers? Yes of course, fallout76? Want to play with others? No. I do not. Please leave me alone. And if you buy a private server you’re feeding the monster that is Todd Howard, the man the myth the asshole, then we’ll get more bad games like 76. I just so desperately want the Pokemon company to see what a beautiful potential game they’ve got on their hands, that could be suitable for far greater audiences, but instead they’ve focused on the kids. It’s fine, it’s functional, but it’s lost to the fans from day 1, that are all 20+ years old now and want something meatier to play, something far more broad and inclusive. I also hate that there’s no wheelchair option in any Pokemon game. Like cmon, it’s not hard to include that.

In short, BOTW + Pokemon, with a sprinkle of open world sandbox to it, less fighting, more fun. Or, at least both options. Sure, go fight everything, great, but I want to farm carrots over here with 6sunflora, plz let me have some peace.

Edit: I forgot about harvest moon, chuck some of that in there too.

SECOND EDIT: someone in the comments mentioned to put this in Unova? Plz love yourselves, this game would be ALL MAPS. Stuff one singular location, this is the ideal game, put every map in it, join them, put islands in, make them more explorable, more detailed!

[ryuichirou]

Sooo how you feeling about the ending of AOT. I’m crying when I read the final chapter.

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Anonymous said:

Ryu, ryu. 139. Not gonna lie, I was kinda disappointed. It was too vanilla ice cream of an ending for a masterpiece storytelling of AoT. Can't believe this is from the same person who wrote 125ish chapter before. I honestly kinda want to see Historia nuke the ship lol. Your thoughts?

Anonymous said:

Do you think the ending of aot was done like this for pure fanservice?

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Sooo let’s talk about the last chapter. Like I mentioned in another reply, it would’ve been good to reread the whole manga first, but I don’t think we’re going to do that in the nearest future, so might as well rant about it now.

The ending was weird. When we read it for the first time, we chuckled at some parts, but overall it felt pretty ok (more on the “meh alright” level). And I personally still think that it’s alright overall: not the worst ending ever; and a lot of aspects of it do make sense. In this particular case, we think it’s better to have an “eh” ending than a bad, disappointing one (the one that hits all the major no-no’s, disappointing in this regard more than anything else). But the more we think about it, the weirder it gets somehow?

Of course we talked about how cool it would be to get a morbid dark ending, but it was kind of a given that Isayama would go a lighter route. And one part of me thinks that it’s kind of fair, because we had our morbid chapters and the story’s climax already, so this chapter was more like an epilogue of sorts?? But at the same time, I do agree that it felt too vanilla ice-cream. The mood shift was too drastic, and everything felt too convenient. The fact that everyone who turned into titans went right back to being humans kind of upset me too, but I do understand why it happened, I just wish we had them being titans at least for a little bit longer. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the ending indeed felt rushed. Maybe Isayama cursed himself when he promised 139 chapters…. Why not 140?? I wonder whose fault that is: the fanbase’s, the editor’s or his own.

The epilogue’s also supposed to give readers some closure, and I’m not sure if we got it: Eren’s actions didn’t really fix the problem. Maybe the point was not in fixing the problem, but in being the first step for the change? Now after all that rumbling debacle, the world can at least listen to what Eldians have to say..? Why the fuck does Armin talk about how conflict’s never going to vanish then? I’m a bit lost here. Oh and of course Armin thanking Eren for murdering 80% of the planet is the funniest thing ever. All of it might make more sense if you reread the whole thing though.

Who knows. Maybe Historia decided to conquer the world, maybe she wants to rule everything, maybe she keeps Jean and Connie’s moms hostage, maybe she is going to nuke that darn ship to show the world that Eldians don’t want to have a peaceful conversation anymore lol, Historia the Khaleesi.

There are elements of the chapter that we genuinely enjoyed. The fact that Eren actually talked to everybody, Gabi yeeting Falco instead of hugging him, Levi remembering his friends and crying quietly, Sasha smiling at Jean and Connie and these two hugging each other afterwards. Reiner and Karina’s scene was pretty nice too. Historia making her child the saddest birthday cake ever… like you’re a fucking queen, make something more pretentious idk... Hitch yawning, Rico being present, everyone being all fancy and stylish, Jean trying his best to look hot. And of course Levi chilling with his new family. As you can see, there are a lot of very nice moments there. Even the Eren scenes were fun to be perfectly honest, but more on him in another post.

And to the Anon who asked about the ending being fanservice: maybe kind of? If by fanservice you mean the fact that everything went kind of well and everyone got to hug their dad and turned back to humans, then yeah, it does feel like fanservice. Remember that story about Isayama wanting to kill off Sasha waaay back in ch36 but changing his plans because his editor was too upset about it? A similar thing happened here I guess: he did say that he had more of a dark ending in his mind, but had to change it.

When I hear the word “fanservice”, I personally think about Naruto’s and Bleach’s endings, but in SnK we didn’t get any kids (except for Historia’s baby), any kisses and any hand-holdings, so I’m very grateful for that. Yep, technically AruAni is still a thing (eyesroll…), but at this point I just sit there and repeat a mantra to myself: thank god none of them had kids or got married, thank god none of them had kids or got married, thank god none of them had kids or got married. Maybe my bar is too low lol And if you mean the Eremika thing: it’s kind of complicated, but I personally think that Yams wouldn’t  drop this bomb as fanservice: it doesn’t make sense to cater to just one particular group of shippers.

So yeah, this is our overall thoughts and feelings at this moment. And to be perfectly honest, I think the chapter won’t feel as bad after some time. Right now everyone’s very emotional about it (very understandable), people argue with each other, you see a lot of morons that make you even more upset or pissed off, everyone had their expectations and interpretations of the characters + ideas of what was and wasn’t important for the story, and Isayama is just one dude who is very experienced at writing stories, but isn’t as experienced at writing final chapters (which is absolutely ok). I think no matter what, there would be a lot of people who are upset with the chapter… but it doesn’t change the fact that it was rushed and that it is weird.

Damn it, wouldn’t it be great if we could have GOOD and BAD endings, like in visual novels?? This was the GOOD ending; now show me the apocalypse please.

[incorrectlumityquotes]

FULL REVIEWS: “Sense and Insensitivity”

I know you guys remember that last year, Adventures in the Elements aired in some other country first and these episodes didn’t come out until later. BUT I want to go in order and don’t want to be confused. 

I really did think that Adventures in the Elements was going to be the next episode, but this actually came out first. I had no idea what to expect so let’s check it out.

I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I love The Owl House cold opens. They’re always so funny.

Business is a bit slower than usual at Eda’s Human Collectibles stand and she’s not okay with that.

“Smells more nerd than money.”

Luz pops in to tell them that it’s because of a book fair. Wow. I remember those when I was a kid. I was always really excited about them because they were bright, colorful and always had at least one cool thing. Problem is I grew up super poor and my family couldn’t afford to give me anything to buy anything. They probably wouldn’t even if they could but that’s a different conversation. The only thing I ever bought was a photobook about wolves for fifty cents when I was like in the first grade. I was supposed to buy a map of the US to learn the states. My teacher was so mad. But I loved wolves so...yeah wolves.

Eda decides that this is too much dork for her and bounces. A bunch of funny visual gags in the background later and Luz and King decide to enter a writing competition. 

After the cold open we set up the B-plot. Lilith buys a map from SOME GUY AT A BOOK FAIR that suppose to lead to the bloom of eternal youth, and in true Darth Vader fashion wants that power to serve The Emperor. Eda wants it for herself because she’s Eda.

Luz and King get started on their submission with more meta jokes about writing. Everyone’s favorite line about shipping later and Eda tells Luz that she’s going away for a few days to tend to the B-plot. Luz is a smart girl. As long as there’s food in the fridge she can watch herself (and King) for a few days.

And in true cartoon fashion being offscreen for a few seconds was more than enough time for King to trash all of Luz’s ideas and replace them with is own. King has a couple of innocently insensitive lines and Luz decides to opt out of the writing competition. 

King does the IRL version of spamming social media to read the thing you wrote and King gets the IRL version of the usual response. 

I really hope that’s mud he fell into.

Then a lizard guy picks up King’s manuscript and makes a deal with him to publish it. Obviously this guy is the villain and so is the dude who sold the maps to Eda and Lilith. They’re both voiced by all around good guy Steve Blum (I’ve met him. He’s super nice.). That’s why in my Incorrect Recap I called this episode “Oops All Steve Blum.”

King adopts the tagline of every content creator who has a Patreon page.

And oddly quickly King is suddenly the most popular writer in The Boiling Isles. Damn. Even JK took a few years before people went Potter crazy. 

Back in the B-plot, Eda meets up with Lilith and they race to the bloom of eternal youth. And I just realized that Steve Blum’s last name is pronounced like bloom so maybe it’s a joke on him? I’m sure he’d get a chuckle out of it.

Also I remember seeing a YouTube video questioning why Lilith was covered in leaves before Eda jumped her and I was just like really? Is it really that big of a mystery that you dedicate an entire YouTube video to it? I just figured that “prissy fussy Lilly” isn’t very good at roughing it. It’s not that big of a deal, guys. Especially since season one is over and they never called back to it.

There’s also the big mystery on what happen to Steve (the character). He’s dead. Steve’s dead, guys.

Wait. 

Steve is a character in the episode. They’re chasing the Bloom of eternal youth. Steve Blum voices both villains in the episode. Is this entire episode a reference to Steve Blum? How did I not catch that? This really is “Oops, All Steve Blum: The Episode.”

Back in the A-plot, Luz is really bummed over King constantly putting her down this whole episode. She decides she doesn’t want to be mad at him the entire time and agrees to go to his book signing thing.

Shit proceeds to go very down very quickly.

That Steve Blum lizard guys has been forcing writers to write bestsellers or he’ll squish them into little cube in an image I’m glad I don’t have because my god that shit was creepy as all hell. Every time I forget this show is a horror-comedy it reminds me in the creepiest way. Luz and King almost escape and the plot gets resolved by a running gag. 

Works for me.

In a less creepy twist, turns out the bloom of eternal youth was a trap set up by the other Steve Blum character. Eda and Lilith remind him (and us) who’s boss offscreen.

The episode ends by reminding us that all of this happened in the span of a few days.

FINAL SCORE: 4 - Liked it.

Damn I forgot how funny this episode is. So many background gags and a lot more Skara sightings than usual. I know some people didn’t like this episode because it was a King episode or it was “filler” but I think it’s perfectly okay for a horror-comedy show to have an episode where it’s just mostly jokes. That’s the point of a comedy! To be funny. 

And it’s not “filler.” Both plots help strength the relationships of the respective characters so it makes a bigger emotional impact in future episodes. Sometimes the journey is just as important as the destination. 

[sarahjtv]

BNHA Chapter 301 Spoiler Thoughts: Pain, More Pain, Extra Pain, EVERYTHING HURTS

I had to wait until the summary for this chapter came out to get my thoughts across and holy shit, my dudes...  This chapter is so, so deep and adds a lot more to the Todoroki family than I thought possible.  I’m still thinking about all of it as I’m typing this.  But, writing is how I process things sometimes, so I hope this helps all of us:

The chapter starts off with a flashback to when Enji (I’m calling Endeavor by his real name here so long as we’re dealing with his family) proposing to marry Rei to Rei and her family.  Rei is aware of the whole “Quirk Marriage” thing, but she accepts the proposal much to her family’s delight.  What’s surprising here is that it’s implied that Enji expected Rei to say “No”.  I’m honestly kind of shocked here too.  

One, I thought because of the whole eugenics thing that Rei and her family would be taken aback by this.  Back in the Sports Fest. Arc, I believe Shoto implied the that Endeavor bought Rei’s hand in marriage with money (it’s been a LONG time, so please correct me on this if I’m wrong).  But they were actually ok with the idea of having Rei be married to a top hero like Endeavor.  Rei seemed more reluctant though the fact that she said “Yes” maybe implies that she had legitimate feelings of love for Enji before shit hit the fan.

Edit: Ok, the fan translations are out.  It’s said that Rei did this for the sake of her family.  I still think she at least started to have legit feelings of love for Enji at some point.

Two, Enji didn’t expect Rei to accept his proposal.  We all know that Enji’s intention was to have a kid that had a Quirk that possessed both fire and ice so that the kid could surpass All Might.  Maybe Enji was looking for other women with ice Quirks before Rei and all of them before her turned him down.  So when Rei accepted, Enji was shocked that someone agreed to what was basically his plan for the future.

The next page shows Enji and Rei on a walk in the park Rei looks at her favorite flowers and Enji asks if she likes them to which Rei says “yes”.  Enji comments on how strong yet fragile Rei is.  It’s such a small scene, but it tells the story so well visually.  I can’t explain it well here, but I think this is where Enji started to see Rei as more of a person to love than something that can help achieve his goal.  

Back to the present real quick, we go back to Rei confronting Enji.  She came to see him because things are not okay and they need to face their family’s tragedy head on.  At the same time, Dabi is reflecting on his life and doing his iconic monologuing about how he loved seeing Enji suffer.  He wants the rest of his family to see how he suffered too.  This further establishes how much Dabi wants to see his father be destroyed mentally.  He wants him to reap everything he sewed.  I’ll be damned if Dabi’s plan didn’t work.  Also, Dabi is shown crying blood again as the panel transitions to the Todoroki household with the blood tear seeping into the next panel.  God, I love Horikoshi’s panel structuring A+ stuff.

Back to the past, Enji stopped training little Touya.  His fire Quirk was getting stronger, but so was the ice part of his body.  Touya’s body was meant for the cold, but his fire Quirk counteracts that.  So, Touya’s ultimately harming himself.  This reveals to us that Enji didn’t really stop training Touya because he wasn’t the “perfect specimen” for his plan.  It was mainly because Enji cared about Touya enough that he didn’t want his son to harm himself anymore than he already has.  Enji abused his kids and wife, sure, but he wasn’t always a bad man.  He did love his family before something snapped.

Also, real quick, but there’s a panel that shows Touya’s hair getting progressively whiter.  Specifically the left side of his head.  He looks like the opposite of Shoto actually and I bet you money that that was done on purpose.  Symbolism, my friends.

The next panels shows little Touya and Fuyumi (AWWW 🤍) talking a bit.  Touya’s upset that their dad won’t train him anymore while Fuyumi just doesn’t want her brother to get hurt.  Touya says that girls wouldn’t understand (he’s a kid here, so I’ll let this slide).  It hurts to see how Touya misunderstand the situation here.  I think he ultimately wanted to have love and acceptance from his father via training to make Enji proud.  But training only caused Touya pain.  Pushing Touya away for his own safety ended up making things worse.

I actually can’t describe what happens next (I've seen the panel, but it hasn’t been translated fully yet), but it has something to do with Rei trying to convince Enji not to do something in particular because it would be too cruel.  Touya continued to train alone and he kept getting scars on his skin every day because his ambitions are just as strong as Enji’s.  He didn’t know when to give up.  In the end, Enji knew that Touya couldn’t surpass All Might and he tried to get Touya to give up his ambitions so that he would stop hurting himself.  I think this is where Enji’s drive to have a kid to surpass All Might started to take over his love for his family.  I want to comment more on this part, but I think I’ll have to wait until the full chapter comes out.  I’ll add an edit when I read it.  It’s a painful, sad page regardless and I want to cry 😢.

Edit: Ok, I’ve read the translations for this page and it’s still not entirely clear what “cruel idea” Rei and Enji are talking about here.  The best I can take I can think from this is that Enji did think that having more kids would solve the problem; it would help Touya give up the idea of surpassing All Might.  The panels get darker and darker too, which shows how dark all this has become.  

Next, Natsuo is born and he was so ADORABLE!!! 💙  Fuyumi looked so happy to have a little brother ❤️  But, Touya looks devastated; like he’s been replaced again.  My heart hurts so bad for this kid.  All he wanted was his father’s attention, but Enji seemed to have moved on from him and had more kids instead.  Almost like having more kids would solve the problem... ugh...

As time goes on, Enji gets angrier at All Might’s success (btw, seeing All Might drawn in his buff form again makes me nostalgic) and Rei becomes more fearful.  The summary states that Rei stopped “looking” at Enji at some point.  I think this is the point where Enji drive to create a perfect child completely took over his life and his family’s lives.  Even so, I think we need an explanation of when exactly Enji snapped and changed into the abusive man we all knew and how that exactly came to be.  We got hints in this chapter, but I think we need a full explanation.

AND SHOTO WAS BORN HE WAS BABY 💙🥺😭 Crying into the world he came into like most newborns do.  I want to love him and take care of him 💙💙💙 Look, Shoto’s my favorite character in the series and we need some good vibes in this depressing chapter, so please let me have this.

But, my god.  The faces on Enji, Rei, and Touya are haunting.  I honestly can’t really describe it.  It’s just so unsettling.  Enji looks like he’s glad he’s finally “created” the perfect child, Rei looks exhausted, and Touya is even more devastated than before.  The panel lines are all distorted too which drives the mood home.

Touya continues to train on his own to prove himself to his father.  He’s burning himself more and he looks like he’s loosing his mind.  I’m not exaggerating; Touya actually looks like he’s going crazy.  Enji is tying to convince Touya that they’re more to the world than being a hero like playing with his siblings and making friends at school.  But, Touya can’t because, as he says, “I’m your son”.  Despite Enji probably focusing primarily on getting ready to train Shoto at this point, he still cared enough about Touya to where he wanted him to have a life outside of heroism.  Though that could also be because, again, he’s turned his focus on Shoto instead (this family is a mess).  And Touya being so driven to have his father pay attention to him is heartbreaking.  No kid should have to go through this.

And then he activates his Quirk to attack baby Shoto.  Lil’ Fuyumi’s protecting Lil’ Natsuo and Rei is holding onto Lil’ Shoto 😭.  Rei wants to help cool him down with her Quirk, but Touya “fire” Enji lit can’t be put out.  Touya’s too far gone.  He even stops calling Enji “father”; he says “look at me, Endeavor” instead.  Everything about this makes me sad, man.  Touya’s love for his father turned into what he thought was abandonment, which turned into mad jealousy for his baby brother.  Though Enji did light Touya’s fire, it was Touya himself who ultimately drove himself insane.  Touya helped create Dabi, it wasn’t all Enji Todoroki’s doing.

And finally, the flashback ends with Rei stating that Enji isn’t the only who’s suffered, but he’s also not the only one who didn’t look at Touya.  This implies that Rei shares the blame for letting Touya turn into Dabi.  I do wonder what Rei didn’t do that helped Touya’s transformation.  I doubt she neglected him entirely, but maybe she wasn’t paying attention to him as much because of her other kids and her declining mental state. I can’t comment on this very much with the lack of details, but i do hope things get answered soon.

Edit: I’ve thought about this a bit more.  Rei was/is a good mother and she’s a badass in her own right.  She never meant to harm her kids.  But, based on that dark panel before about Enji thinking of a way to get Touya to give up the idea of being  a hero, Rei did agree to Enji’s plan in the end.  She decided to have more kids with him until they got the perfect child in Shoto.  Why did she agree, we don’t know.  That detail isn’t there just yet.  I bet we’ll get it in Pt. 2.  Again, Rei isn’t a bad person, but she did play a part in Touya’s downfall.  Which, of course, makes things all the more sad. 

Lastly, it’s stated that Rei came from a prestigious and noble family called Himura.  It’s a small detail, but it’s shows that Shoto and his siblings basically came from royalty.  Ha, Shoto really is a prince 👑!  It would explain those damn good Todoroki genes 😳😍.  Oh, and the kanji for “Hi” in Himura means icicle, ice, hail, freeze, etc. so Horikoshi’s playing with names again.  

Quick Edit: Turns out this part with Rei’s maiden name is actually at the VERY BEGINNING of the chapter LOL.  Either the image leaks got scrambled or the summary found this panel last.  Whoops...

Hoo boy, I think that’s it.  Really heavy chapter full of more layers and details about the Todoroki family that we didn’t get before.  This is honestly one of the best storylines in the series and I’m so glad to see it come back to the forefront again.  Horikoshi has handled this particular story so, so damn well I can’t help but be impressed.  I think, ultimately, the Todoroki family fell apart and became more and more tragic over time.  Amazingly, it wasn’t entirely Enji’s fault like we originally thought.  Yes, he was a big reason as to why everything happened the way it did.  His redemption does not excuse his years of abuse and neglect towards Shoto, Rei, and Touya especially.  But, Touya and maybe even Rei had a part in this.  I hope whatever Rei did or didn’t do isn’t so bad that we immediately put her into a bad light.  I hope it boils down to “she’s human”.  Though, Touya did ultimately drive himself to insanity.  He didn’t accept his father’s suggestion to stop training.  He only pushed himself further to the point of jealousy.  God, he tried to kill baby Shoto at one point.  We can dissect this family’s story for months and still find something new.  This chapter was called “Mischief of Fire - Part 1″ which means we’re definitely getting more.  I’m going to sit here and process all this in the meantime.  Anyone got any ice cream to go with my tears and pain from BNHA angst?

[365days365movies]

May 10, 2021: Blade Runner 2049 (2017) (Recap: Part Two)

Said I’d talk about artificial humans in sci-fi, so...

There are a HELL of a lot of examples of artificial humans in science-fiction, as well as the ethical and philosophical concepts that their existence raises. Now, your definition of “artificial” may differ from medium to medium. At its base form, these are humans that are not born, but made. I’ll be talking fleshy organic humans, not robotic ones. The most common of these is, of course, clones.

A clone, strictly speaking, is a genetically identical copy of a pre-existing organism, in this case a human. While this isn’t technology we’ve applied to humans as of yet (due to the NUMEROUS ethical problems and questions), we have done so with animals, mostly sheep and cats. It’s actually a good way to de-extinct certain species, and we’ve already done experiments with that. Of course...that has its own concerns.

Keeping up the Jurassic Park reference streak! Anyway...

There are a FUCKTON of examples of clones in science-fiction, but since I’m a massive comic book nerd, I’ll use Superboy. The genetic combination of Superman and Lex Luthor, Conner Kent is one of the most prominent clone superheroes. He’s not the only clone of Superman, of course. He’s not even my favorite clone of Superman, to be honest...

Bizarro am the worst. ME WILL LIVE ON THAT HILL.

Oh, and let’s not forget THE most prominent artificial human in comic books PERIOD. I don’t care what her origin in the movies is, that’s never been my favorite version of Wonder Woman. Making her a demigod robs her of something important, in my opinion.

...Should I make a comic book blog? Shit, thinkin’ about it.

OK, before I do that, these are just my favorite examples. Fact is, there are FAR too many examples of artificial humans to go into, whether they’re built, grown, sculpted, conjured, or a chemical reaction with an extra ingredient in the concoction.

And look, I could go on all day about this, but we got a long-ass movie to get back to. SO, lets jump back in. Part One is here!

Recap (2/2)

Understandably exhausted, K returns home, confused and conflicted. However, he’s greeted with a surprise from Joi: a prostitute! Namely, this is Mariette (Mackenzie Davis), one of the girls who approached him earlier. Joi’s called her here in order to be “real” for K, the effect is impressive, if somewhat...off-putting. Still, while K obviously didn’t need this to be happy with their relationship, Joi might, and Mariette’s all on board.

And it doesn’t take K terrible long to get on board, either. As both Mariette and Joi strip, it makes me wonder...how much does this subscription service for Joi cost. There’s no goddamn way this is free, right? Like, how exclusive IS this AI? And they cut from that scene to a Joi commercial, where we hear that Joi becomes anything you want her to be, and does anything you want her to do. But something tells me that...well, that it’s not quite so simple.

Once the night is over, Joi tells Mariette to leave, and not nicely either. Mariette leaves, rebuking her on the way out as well. K, meanwhile, knows that the Blade Runners will soon be coming after him. He’ll be going on the run, and Joi wants to go with him. And so, they put her inside of a remote device, while deleting her information from the main apartment console. This gets the attention of Luv, who head over to the apartment to figure out what’s going on.

K goes to Doc Badger (Barkhad Adbi), who analyzes the horse for him. It’s discovered that old radiation can be found there, and that amount and kind of radiation can only be found in areas where a dirty bomb has been set off. This would be in the desolate and weird-ass ruins of Las Vegas. While nobody lives there at this point, K and Joi go to check it out.

An IMMENSELY frustrated Luv, unaware of K’s discovery about himself, goes to confront Joshi about K’s whereabouts. Luv berates her for being afraid of change, and tells her that she “can’t fend off the tide with a broom”. Which is a great line. However, as Joshi is no use to her at this point, Luv just straight up kills her. Which, I’m sure, will go over well with the whole “Replicants aren’t dangerous” thing.

Meanwhile, in Vegas...shit is WEIRD. First off all, the desolate wasteland is full of statues of giant sexy wimmin, and I mean GIANT statues. Beneath one of them is a series of beehives, which K goes into to get a hand of beeeees. After that, he goes into an abandoned hotel/casino, rigged with tripwires and booby traps. OK. What.

So, somebody’s using this place as a hideaway, despite the entire city being destroyed by a dirty bomb, and probably extremely radioactive. K searches around and finds it empty. He begins to play a piano, hoping to draw someone out. He ends up drawing out a dog, as well as the inhabitant of the hotel.

Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford), baby! Quoting Stevenson’s Treasure Island and holding K up at gunpoint with dog at side is the original Blade Runner himself, Rick Fucking Deckard. God, I love this. Deckard hunts K down throughout the casino, where we see some trippy holograms, and the future of Vegas stageshows (probably).

The two fight, but eventually call a truce and decide to get a drink at the bar. K gets to it pretty quickly, and confronts Deckard on his potential child with Rachael. He confirms that Rachael was indeed pregnant by him, but he had never met his child. Which was the plan, to be fair. He wanted their child to be protected, not hunted down and eventually dissected.

Sometimes, to love someone...you gotta be a stranger.

To an old Frank Sinatra song, a forlorn K (now calling himself “Joe”) looks around, and sees carved wooden animals that resemble the horse that’s haunted his life and memories so much by this point. Which makes sense, considering the foil unicorn from the previous film. Neat little tie-in there.

But paradise is not all it’s cracked up to be, as someone soon comes to find both K and Deckard, despite the fact that K came alone. Although, now that I think about it, Joi may not be one that you can truly trust. Deckard and K try to escape their pursuers, but are caught pretty quickly. In the process, K is injured, but manages to get up in order to fight back. However, this is Luv with these people, and she beats K down EASILY. Turns out that Luv is actually an enforcer, rather than just a secretary. And when Joi awakens from K’s device to ask her to stop, well...she kills the device, and she kills K. In the process, she also takes Deckard away, leaving K behind. Fuck.

K wakes up, only to discover Mariette standing over him in the Las Vegas wasteland. She takes care of him as he wakes up, also stitching up with wounds from the explosion. She tells K to trust her, as well as her compatriots. One of them is the hooded woman from earlier, a Replicant named Freysa (Hiam Abbass). An old friend of Sapper’s she saw the delivery of the child, the “miracle”, and also hid the child away, as it was a symbol that the Replicants are more than just slave, that they are their own masters.

Freysa is building a revolution in order to free the Replicants once and for all. And I’m hard-pressed to disagree with their cause, not gonna lie. However, this comes at a price. In order to prevent Wallace from killing the cause, K must prevent Deckard from leading them to Freysa. They must do what they can until they can reveal the child to the world. For she will be their leader.

Fuck.

Understandably COMPLETELY crushed at this revelation, and more confused than ever, K collapses. Freysa tells him that they ALL wish they were the one, and they all believe. It’s at this point, that K realizes exactly who the Hybrid is: Dr. Ana Stelline. The horse from earlier, it turns out, did in fact belong to her, and she planted her childhood memory with the horse in K’s mind as a Replicant. Damn. DAMN! That’s why the memory moved her so: because it was hers.

Meanwhile, Deckard awakens to a separate nightmare: Jared Leto telling him how he feels about him. After all, Deckard helped to create the first Replicant-human hybrid. He asks him for his help in obtaining the child, so that the key of Replicant reproduction can be further unlocked. And he proceeds in convincing Deckard by playing audio of Rachael and his first meeting (from the first film, of course).

Niander fucks with him further, by suggesting Deckard was summoned all those years ago specifically to fall in love with Rachael in order to father a child with her. But despite all of this, Deckard refuses to give up any of his information. And so, Niander pulls out his ace-in-the-hole...and it’s a real shitty thing to do to a man in mourning. 

Damn. Dude rebuilt Rachael, tries to tempt Deckard with her, FAILS, then lets Luv shoot her in the head. Fucking power move, and fuck Niander for playing it. Dude is a DICK. Meanwhile. that one visual from every single ad of this movie is happening, and I can FINALLY use one of the 8000 GIFs of it, goddamn.

Not gonna lie, it’s an iconic appearance, so I get why it’s so famous. Anyway, K considers a suicidal option, now that he knows the truth. However, before we get to see the final decision, we get to see Deckard being taken back to LA for interrogation by Wallace. However, to prevent him from potentially leading Wallace to the secret of Ana Stelline, K suddenly appears, opening fire on their ship.

The craft is downed, and K exits the car to engage in a firefight with Luv. He appears to win, but Luv isn’t killed once she’s shot. The two have a fistfight out in the rain, and Deckard waits for water to slowly kill the craft that he’s still inside of.

As expected, Luv handles herself well, and despite a number of close calls, she JUST. WILL. NOT. DIE. Damn, she’s resilient. However, despite K, Luv, and Deckard all nearly drowning in an INTENSE fight between the Replicants, an enraged and crazed Luv finally eventually drowns, ending her threat for good. 

K saves Deckard from the sinking ship, and agrees to stage his death, allowing him to meet his daughter for the first time. Once at her facility, K returns Deckard’s horse to him, knowing that it was a gift from him. He tells Deckard that his best memories all come from her, implying that this makes him similar to Deckard’s son, which he picks up on when he asks if he’s OK.

Deckard goes to meet his daughter, and K hangs out on the stairs outside. He feels the snow fall on his hand, and he just...watches it all fall around him. He sits, and he watches it all. And meanwhile, Deckard meets his daughter for the first time.

...Can I just say...GODDAMN!

That movie was absolutely stellar, and it’s definitely landing in the high ‘90s for me, calling it now. I...wow. Seriously. Amazing.

See you in the Review!

[stray-tori]

Emma’s character arc in the anime (or what I think it is, anyway) (anime-only)

Her "nothing has happened in a year and it's my fault" vent is -- a) kind of meta (they literally have only been passengers in their s2-story so far*. rescued by mujika/sonju, directed by Minerva, chased out by the farm force & now on the run. right now, they have so small agency in the story and not only is the narrative acknowledging it, Emma's development herself seems to be a result of it)

* in part that's also true for s1, they have always been carried a little. By Krone, for giving them the pen, and by Norman for generally being the connecting piece until he was gone and even then he outlined most elements of the plan for Emma.

-- b) interesting because right now it makes her the opposite of Norman who despite not being in the season for almost half of its run time, arguably made more goal-related progression (i.e. stealing children from farms - assuming it was them -, while Emma couldn't even go back for the Phil and others; probably having a base to bring the children they steal (i doubt the group that was with him are ALL of them), while Emma's base, the bunker, had to be abandoned). He’s the plot-driving character even when he's not there and now that he is, I'm assuming there will be more of a lead / idea of where to go from there.

It feels like a foil setup but I'm not entirely sure for what.

.

so, clearly this season's theme is not burdening everything by yourself - proof:

Ray spelled it out in ep1, Gilda reaffirmed it in ep2 and the opening’s visuals with her in the vidaflower field also seem to carry the whole “we’re finding hope together” angle

Emma did agree to it but then still said “I’m fine” after the vidaflower scene and is now blaming herself for everything that has been going subpar

also, the tidbit about the older kids always leaving more food for the younger ones also fits this theme, though it's not just Emma in that regard. and Lani and Thoma were the “don’t burden everything on yourself” argument in that scene.

I actually think Emma has slowly become more self-burdening, because I feel like back in s1, while she always seemed strong, it never felt like she actively hid from anyone. She did some things by herself like figuring out the room measurements, but she still felt free to bring up anything to the others and involve the children (place trust in them) later with the execution of the escape plan. Even when Norman's life was on the line, she never really intended to fully sacrifice herself like Ray had with the distraction plan or Norman did with his shipment - she never said anything like taking his place, she was still very much in the "we" mindset (at least if I remember correctly). We haven’t seen her work together like towards the end of s1 where she coordinated everyone - even when the kids were a huge part of the solution, like Chris knowing the bunker’s layout, it wasn’t because she told them to do that.

In a way, I feel like Emma's development actually made her more like Norman (who usually used to keep stuff to himself, and tried to juggle all the conflicts himself, and in the end, took the burden of making the plan work even at the expense of his """"death""""). Heck, her words after the vidaflower scene ("I'm / it's okay" (daijoubu)) is something Norman says/said a lot, it's basically his trademark pff-

So I can't help but assume these are connected, and Emma is - whether intentionally or not - trying to mirror Norman because in her mind, everything's been going wrong since he wasn't there to aid them anymore (which she's actually right about, which leads me to my next point).

.

The fine line between character angst and the savior trope. I hope the anime will use this whole setup with Emma’s arc instead of just being like “ah, Norman Christ has arrived, our lord and savior, how good that we don’t have to worry about anything anymore”. Because they actually, in-universe, acknowledge that "nothing has happened" and that's imo a fine line they have going on right now, which could lead to some interesting character moments.... or they completely ignore it and thank god, our lord and savior.

Because it's not a problem that they are being carried, in fact, as mentioned before they have been carried outside of s2 as well, by Norman specifically as well too. He's always been a sort of savior figure, even after his death he motivated them to go on (see ghost Normans, see Emma talking about how she promised him, see Ray on the ground wanting to continue because he promised (to Emma too but you get the point, and Norman was the one who initially saw through his plan)) - he IS in a lot of ways, a savior. So I'm not saying it's bad narratively if now he's back and the plot moves more towards the goal again. I'm saying it's questionable, if now Emma's and the narrative's acknowledgement of that lack of progression go away too. Because THEN it's actually just "everything is solved now and we're useless without you", and I think it NEEDS to develop Emma further in order for that angle to still be there (and to still be kind of questionable), but to be narrative-ly significant because it's part of Emma's arc and therefore her later actions.

In short, Emma’s low-point revolves around the stagnation and to resolve it (the lowpoint) with Norman’s return would be questionable.

SO I have hope for juicy angst but also see how this could horribly backfire.

.

Now, I've been trying to figure out were her arc is going, considering all of that.

"Burdening everything by yourself is bad" theme

Emma hates herself for not being able to do anything

Norman is her opposite / foil in that regard

.

So possible ways to go here are

a) further make Emma feel inferior to Norman, since she never got to do all those things she took upon herself and make her mental state even worse

b) it will probably lead to Emma contributing whatever she can to her family’s rescue, no matter what it takes out of her.

likely both.

The interesting thing is that while narratively this sets up a sort of opposite-dynamic between Emma and Norman, they do both share the self-burdening-thing now (I doubt that changed about Norman, but maybe it did); so I feel like this can only end in a "who's more self-sacrificial and bottling up" contest.

.

Taking the theme into account, I feel like it’s going for one of the following things, maybe multiple:

a) they all work together in the end to reach their future (probably Ray has to bonk them both and be like "shut up, we're doing this together" because I feel like he's the only one who actually got out of his self-damning hole somewhat)

b) the kids come barging in with the/a solution while Norman and Emma are busy trying to be self-sacrificial (Lani and Thoma HAVE been observing and trying to balance the self-sacrificial out throughout the season, mostly by humor, so I feel like that could work even if I don't know how it could be DONE so hmmm)

c) if someone has to do a sacrifice like Norman in s1, it won’t be done through trickery of the others, or won't work / will be stopped / backfire

Because I don’t think what will happen is that someone actually gets to sacrifice themselves without massive consequences from the other characters because that’d contradict both the overall season's theme and if it was forced upon the others, it would just mirror s1 and show no narrative growth.

It's a fickle situation because I feel like the natural evolution of this arc would be to have Emma be, the "hero" or a leader-position or something of the sort.  But the self-sacrificial theme forbids her from doing it on her own or by massively hurting herself in the process so.... ahhh idk how they'll handle that!

because I like the "together" message it seems to be aiming for but at the same time, having a character struggle with not being able to do anything by herself in the same like 6 episodes as “yay, we need to do it together!” is a little risky since while it could work, doing teamwork in a way where everyone is important, while also not validating Emma's belief is.... hard.

It could work if Norman’s arc is the opposite, to let others do more for him and let Emma take over (who needs to built confidence as a leading figure); but even then Emma has to be driving force. If Norman initiates that, he’s actually saving her in every sense.

[spookyspaghettisundae]

Steele Resolve

Over 300 billion years into the future.

"Get out," Dallas told Darkwing.

He eyed her suspiciously, then she shoved him—captain of this ship—out of his very own cabin. Punching the control button by the door, the panel slid shut in between them in a flash, shutting out both him and the glaring light from the corridor.

She stifled a laugh as the hypersteel barrier muffled his yapping—something about being a living god, among other things, rattling on as he audibly turned and wandered away, babbling all the way to the Avian's cockpit.

Dallas waited till he was far enough away, then listened at the door even longer. Ensuring she heard no signs of the cat, the psychotic robot, that disgusting engineer, or—most importantly—the girl.

The ship's star-drive churned, causing all surfaces to subtly vibrate while it steadily propelled the combat vessel through space. It meshed with the rushing of blood in her ears. Her eyes adjusted to the dim light in the cabin, generated only by arrays of glowing buttons, some of them steady, others blinking.

Half a minute felt long enough.

She slid into the swiveling chair that was bolted down onto the floor in front of a quantum entanglement communicator terminal.

The assassin tilted her head back and forth and her neck cracked both times.

With the routine of a spy, she slung out her trusty old ballistic revolver, flicked a concealed switch with her thumb, and slapped the archaic weapon against an open palm.

Then—again. And a third time.

A scrambler chip clicked out of the gun's grip.

She slipped it out and quickly inserted it into one of the terminal's slots. Tapped the power buttons and fired up the device.

The soft blue glow of the screen in front of her illuminated the entire dark chamber she sat alone in. A sigh of impatience escaped her as she awaited the loading bars of the chip's overrides to reach completion on-screen and guarantee her the use of a secure channel.

Meanwhile, a window popped up, listing all recent encrypted text messages she had received from her contacts over the course of the past time units. One of the message subjects read, "DIE BITCH", sent by a certain "Dragon." Many others reflected the bridges she had recently burned and flattered her with other colorful threats and creative insults. Fueled by professional pride, and mixed with a newfound sense of liberty, she smiled to herself and dismissed the entire window with a languid swipe.

Clickety-clackety-clickety-clackety—

Her fingers hacked away at the keyboard with an uncanny speed and precision. Hit the key to transmit with excessive force, a sound of polymers and metal snapping together that cut through the quiet, stale air of the captain's cabin.

Her heart began to race as she awaited response. The ensuing seconds dragged on like molasses, even if they were only few.

A screen, cropped out within the screen, flicked open and displayed a sea of static. The silhouette of her handler turned visible, emerging from within the visual noise, but never fully surfacing in full definition. Masked behind a helmet that emitted an ominous cross-shaped red glow, cast in shadows by a hood.

An agent of the Holy Lahasan Empire.

"Steele? You now also owe me some explanations," said her handler on the other end of the connection, that shadowy silhouette speaking to her from far across the galaxy, distorted by the distance and dampened by the mask.

Dallas leaned back into the chair, unknowingly sinking into it like the many times that the captain had done before, sinking into a spell of deeper contemplation.

She clicked her tongue and finally replied, "Things did not go quite as planned. There were some—complications."

"According to my intel, Agent Reeve was disintegrated in a blast caused by archaic explosives."

Dallas' mien darkened, turning into a frown. "All due respect, but Rourke was an asshole, and—"

"With all due respect, your personal opinions need to leave, exiting through the nearest airlock right now. Not only are you living on borrowed time for your treason against the Empress, but you have a jarring track record of valuable agents dropping dead around you."

"That sounds like your problem, not mine."

The handler's voice dropped in volume, slowed down to a grim crawl. "You remember the cortex bomb I had implanted in your spine, right?"

She scowled at the screen, unable to find any eye contact, instead focusing on the red glow of the cross.

"Come on, I'm too valuable to you. You wanted the best tracker in the universe, which is why you pulled me out of cryo-prison."

"And I am constantly re-evaluating that decision."

Dallas held her tongue. Her chin jutted out and she fidgeted in her seat until her fingers encountered the calming cool of the stainless-steel surface of the old lighter, hidden in her pocket.

"Moving on. Report your progress on retrieving subject K70001-34966."

Dallas decided to play it cool.

She had to play her cards right.

"What a mouthful. We are talking about some girl. Don't you wanna abbreviate that name a bit?"

"No."

Hesitating to answer, she patted her jacket down until she retrieved a palm-sized silvered case from another pocket. She pressed a button on it, and it clicked—also analog and mechanical—triggering its finely-engraved lid to swing open.

Removing a thin cigar from the other three inside it, she lit it up, puffed a few times, and then blew a mouthful of smoke towards the QEC's monitor. The agent awaited her response, but she regained some confidence just in the thought that constantly tested his patience to the point of annoying him.

He had to put up with her.

Threats aside, she was, in fact, the best woman for the job.

"I've gotten pretty damn close. I think it's a matter of weeks, or even days now."

"Be more precise," growled the handler.

"Look, I found out how she's getting around, alright? By stowing away on other people's ships. I'm closely on her trail now. We almost had her too! Sadly, for Rourke, he got killed in that explosion by some idiot that had nothing to do with the job. There was a shootout at this place on—"

"Most of that was in the report. Share more pertinent details, or get to the point," he ordered.

"It's just a matter of time till I can bring her in."

Now he remained silent, processing her meager report. It must have been better than nothing.

"You had best not disappoint. You know we—"

"Yes, yes. Borrowed time."

He said nothing.

Dallas' nostrils flared, blowing smoke out of them.

She squinted and smirked, then asked, "I offed Youssell for you like you requested, right? That wasn't exactly on the books, was it?"

This time, the agent failed to respond.

"Right, and now you're having me track down and retrieve some kid that you lost in the first place."

Though the hood, and helmet, and eerie mask with its cross-shaped glow fully concealed his face, she could practically hear him gritting his teeth as he replied, "Because of your meddling, Steele."

"Well, you have to agree that it's a bit—uh, how to put this—a bit outside of my usual expertise to find people and get them back alive. So, you'll have to kindly stick a thumb up your ass while you wait and give me some time to improvise and succeed. I mean, you do want the kid alive, right?"

More silence followed. Dallas blew more smoke at the monitor, wishing she could be blowing it into his face.

"So, my word—you're getting her alive—or you'll find me as a corpse floating through open space. That is a promise. But if you want this to work out, you'll have to trust me." Saying that, her smirk widened as she feigned every ounce of confidence she could put on display.

With an abrupt flash, the screen within the screen winked out of existence, and the static noise from the scrambled transmission went dead. The handler had ended the communication without giving Dallas any further notice.

"Oh, my. Lovely. Fuck you too, Prince Charming."

She basked in the cold blue glow of the terminal's screen and puffed some more from her slender cigar. She tried to focus on thoughts about how to proceed—of where to go from here. But instead of finding clear ideas and reaching decisive plans of action—something she was usually adept at—pesky memories kept welling up instead.

Thoughts also regularly circled back to the cortex bomb implanted in her spine, but the older memories eventually overshadowed them.

   * * *

"I will not ask you again," said the inquisitor.

His hand crept towards a button on the wall outside the cell.

The girl trapped inside, identified on the monitor next to the white energy barrier as "Delinquent K70001-34966", drooled and writhed on the cold metal floor of that cell. She did not respond to the inquisitor's threat.

He pushed the button once more, causing the girl on the floor of the cell to convulse under waves upon waves of searing pain that washed over her, illuminated by bright yellow, crackling energy. Each surge of electrical discharges caused her to spasm until she threw up. Then she collapsed again, one cheek resting in the tiny pool of vomit. Covered in sweat, she lay there, curled up in a pathetic and helpless heap.

This was the umpteenth time that he had used the interrogation interface to torment the young woman trapped within.

The shock trooper standing guard by the inquisitor looked on in disbelief. Her gaze bounced back and forth in between the inquisitor standing outside the cell, coldly and callously operating this abominable torture device; and the helpless young woman who groaned pitifully as she twitched on the floor of her cell, not once having answered his questions, and not once having begged for mercy.

"I missed the memo on the M.O. of how you handle these things. But it's far from palatable," the guard said to the inquisitor.

The masked inquisitor turned to confront the assassin posing as a guard.

"Memo? Palatable? What the devil are you blathering on about?"

VLA-VLAM!

The barrel of the energy rifle in the hands of the false guard glowed.

She had shot the inquisitor twice in quick succession.

One to the chest to send him reeling, the other to the head to take him out.

To her chagrin, his masked helmet with the glowing red cross emblazoned on its front had absorbed some of the shock from the energy weapon, and he stumbled backwards, reeling—but still quite alive.

Damned energy weapons, Dallas Steele thought to herself, encased in the hijacked power armor of the guard. And this was why you can only count on ballistics, she thought next, even though time had slowed to a crawl.

He was too slow on the uptake though, too slow to raise his weapon and retaliate in time. She jacked up her weapon's cadence with a flick of her wrist, unloading a full salvo into his center mass.

VA-VA-VA-VA-VLAM!

The inquisitor collapsed into a lifeless body in the narrow corridor outside the holding cell, the metal of his armor clanked against the hard floor.

She approached him, poked him with the muzzle of her rifle, and confirmed on her helmet's HUD that his vital signs were bottoming out.

Next, she punched the cell barrier controls. The white force field between her and the girl flickered, then it dissipated entirely.

Hunching down over the young woman inside the cell and holding out an armored hand in offering to help her get back up on her feet, she simply commanded, "Get up."

K70001-34966 took her hand, trembling, feeble, and weakened. The false agent helped the young woman limp along through the narrow corridors, using the powered armor's strength enhancements to effortlessly brace the girl's entire weight as she stumbled alongside her.

A voice crackled, coming in over the false guard's armor-integrated headset, "Agent Heinlein, report in. We registered a weapons discharge in the holding area, and Inquisitor Valstrum is not responding. His vital signs are tanking. What the hell is going on back there?"

"Uh, it was some sort of, uhm, equipment malfunction," Not-Agent-Heinlein lied through her helm's intercom. "Investigating it right now."

"We registered seven discharges and you are moving from your post. What kind of—"

"Factory code zero-zero-zero," she quickly talked over the operator, cutting the communication off with a hard reset of her intercom, and shutting him out.

She dragged the girl along as she picked up the pace.

K70001-34966 was pretty out of it. Drooling, bare heels sliding with squeaks over sleek metal floors.

The dozen or more shocks must have rendered her groggy. No matter—she had nothing to do with the mission anyway. Dallas just had to take a moment to silence that pesky consciousness that was knocking on the mental door, begging to be let in from the prison inside the back of her head.

Once they had reached an emergency escape pod, Dallas shoved the girl inside, causing her to tumble forward and fall back down onto the floor, not unlike she had been in the holding cell. Leaving her no time to recover, the false guard shuttered the docking mechanism and ejected the pod. For a brief few seconds, she saw the girl looking back at her helmet-clad face, going wide-eyed with surprise. A jet of steam shot in between them, obscuring that glimpse.

The next moment, the angular pod jettisoned off at breakneck speed as its boosters activated and it shot off into space, hurtling towards a thriving terrestrial planet pockmarked with a brightly lit complex of clustered urban zones. And all around it, the Sea of Stars.

The intercom in the hallway crackled, whined, and then the operator shouted at her over it, "There will be a court martial—"

VA-VA-VA-VLAM!

Four shots had ripped through the corridor and caused the exposed intercom console to explode into a shower of sparks and fizzing.

The false guard ripped her helmet off in annoyance. Her face was covered in a sheen of sweat.

This job was a bust. She would have to cover her tracks. She would have to kill every single person left on this ship.

As two scout troopers rounded the corner, Dalla popped out of cover to greet them with bursts of hyper-charged plasma shots, cleanly removing the head of one of them in the first burst, and ripping the other apart, cleaving his upper body from the rest of him.

One of them had reflexively shot back with a salvo of his own. The powered armor could only absorb so much impact and energy.

Her leg and ribs throbbed, she coughed and grinned and mostly gritted her teeth to ignore the waves of pain, surging from those uncomfortably hot spots, wondering for a moment if it was worse than what the girl had gone through.

Dallas limped away through the claustrophobic corridors. Her breathing had turned raspy. A maniacal laugh emerged from her throat, ending in a hacking cough.

She had never fucked up a job this badly. She was a killer, sure—but she had some rules. Some principles.

No kids.

That was her only condition.

Why did they have to be torturing a kid aboard of this damned transporter? She wanted to kill the guy who had fixed her up with this "milk run".

Her vision blurred. Next, she coughed, blood splattered on the panel by the door. She punched the controls, it slid shut in a flash. She limped away, towards the droning and deafening noises emitted by the engine core.

Tried to make sense of the engineering console and all its blinking lights and inane strings of letters and numbers that said rather little to a woman of her trade.

The outlines of the blast door glowed brightly as someone tried to force the doorway open, using a fusion cutter, from the other side. Trying desperately to get inside to stop their murderous stowaway from sabotaging their star-drive.

Dallas gave up in her failed effort at trying to override the engine's security protocols.

She aimed the plasma rifle at a set of power couplings, closed her eyes and turned her head away. Pulled the trigger.

VA-VA-VA-VA-VA-VA-VA-VA-VA-VLAM!

Sparks and metal pieces flew all over the place, causing her to flinch.

The weapon not only glowed, but steam also rose from its barrel now.

"Critical system failure," a monotonous computer voice announced over the ship's intercom speakers. It continued to repeat the warning, over and over again. The bright white lights went out, replaced by red lights rhythmically rotating and casting everything in an eerie state of emergency.

A revolving alarm sound began to bleat, piercing Dallas' already throbbing skull. The edges of her eyesight blurred, closing in quickly.

They got inside, but the next moments turned into a haze.

A rush of unfiltered instinct—killer instinct. A perfect storm of honed reflexes, augmentations, and pure skill. A ballet of carnage.

Three more bodies hit the floor, clanking, and clattering, and groaning. One of them even yelled for his mother before she snuffed him out with a sudden stomp from her armored boot.

She remembered leaving bloody handprints whenever she pushed herself off the walls of the corridor, methodically making her way back to the escape pods, locking each and every blast door behind her as she progressed, shutting out the sounds of pursuers, of troopers in powered armor chasing her through the transporter's winding hallways.

Just before she lost consciousness, she remembered seeing the ship shrink. Smaller and smaller, as the escape pod she had jettisoned herself with flew farther and farther away from the imperial transporter.

Only moments after the vessel transformed into bright explosions and space debris within the blink of an eye, her eyelids weighed a million tons and she blacked out.

The next thing she remembered, she was on some forsaken planet's surface with a breathable atmosphere, staring down the barrels of high-powered pulse rifles of MilSec soldiers, surrounded by Imperial attachés.

They already had her wrists wreathed in the purple glow of energy shackles, lifting her up and dragging her off, taking her into custody.

"Hello, boys," she said, groaning, then cackling until it was clipped off by her pained coughing.

Unbeknownst to her then, her future handler stood there, amid the attachés. The ominous red cross glowed from the front of his masked helmet as he watched the grunts do the heavy lifting, peeling her out of the damaged suit of armor and confirming that the emergency gel would prevent her from dying.

At this point in time, she did not know him yet, but he recognized her. Had seen her mugshot as a wanted criminal more than once.

Looking back, she knew. In that moment, he already formulated plans for her.

But first, she had to go into cryo. After that, installing the bomb in her spine would follow.

—Submitted by Wratts

[loudsuitlover]

Doctor Harry XXIV. Un Suspiro Acompasado

A/N: Guys I’m back! I hope you enjoy it! Thanks for the patience and the kind message, you guys are amazing and I feel lucky you read me x 

BLUE’S POV

My eyes are left adrift in front of the mirror. I’m combing my hair and my makeup is done and I’m wearing the red lipstick Marie got me for Christmas but I’m hardly seeing anything beyond the memories of better times that blurry my vision. It’s only been four days since I know nothing from Harry but they’ve felt like ages.

I hate myself for missing him so bad but the only thing I need to stop myself from crawling back to him is thinking about his indifference. I don’t understand why he was so insisting and desperate for me to hear him out during Christmas and just forgot all about me right after I finally did.

I’d love to say things have gone back to normal, that everything is right back on its place as if it had never happened since he’s not following me around and messing everything up but that just wouldn’t be true. It’s like I lost something that has changed me forever and I just don’t know where to look for it now.

When I’ve brushed all of my hair twice, I open the bathroom door and find Coco going through my earrings. She’s wearing a golden silk dress that makes her look like the human form of a flute of champagne but she gives me a panic look.

“I don’t know what earrings to wear.”

I roll my eyes and try to help her. I suck at choosing jewellery which is why I always wear the same earrings and the same necklace my Mum got me when I started studying Medicine but I stand there in the role of emotional support.

I can see my profile on the full body length mirror in the door of my wardrobe. I’m wearing a black sequin tight dress with long sleeves but backless. There’s a single button that rests over my seventh vertebra where the fabric that covers both my shoulders joins but then there’s no more sequins and no more fabric at all until the dress hugs the lowest part of my back, right where my underwear begins.

It's New Years Eve and everyone’s ready for the new year to begin even though I don’t believe that anybody wants this year to end more than I do.

“¡Niñas!” (Girls!) My mum calls for us from downstairs. “¿Estáis listas?” (Are you ready?”

“¡Sí!” Coco yells uncouthly and I give her a look but she just chuckles. “Me encanta ser ordinaria cuando llevo ropa cara.” (I love to act vulgar when I wear expensive clothes). She giggles. “You should try it, it’s funny.”

I chuckle along with her as we both make our way downstairs. My mum looks like one of our friends with that black dress she’s wearing. Her long black hair is down and naturally wavy and Coco did a very nice job with her makeup; smokey eyes and nude lipstick.

“Estás guapísima, mamá.” (You look gorgeous, mum.)

“¿Qué dices? Tú sí que estás guapísima. Las dos lo estáis.” (What are you talking about? You look gorgeous. You both do.)

Mum’s driving us to our party before she leaves for hers and sitting in the back of the car, I can see how much of a resemblance there is between my mum and my sister. It’s almost scary for my mum looks like a future Coco and I think I can’t wait for Coco to be 57 years old to find out if they’re really alike.

I get excited on the way to the club. I’ve decided I’m gonna have a good time and not think about Harry. I’ve had enough of that and what has to be will be but there won’t be any rushing of things on my part and I’m guessing on his either.

I’m excited to see Olivia. She came back from France in the morning and JJ and Marie are also gonna be there. Marie’s bringing Adam but nobody said anything about Harry and I didn’t ask either and Olivia’s got herself a date with Mario. Apparently, they’ve been talking ever since Jack did the ass move of the year and Ollie seemed pretty excited on the phone earlier.

Coco and I make our way inside the majestic hotel the party is taking place and give our coats to the cloakroom girl. My gorgeous looking sister holds my hand and guides me across the hall and towards the second room where soft music plays around fairy lights. I spot our group standing around a tall table.

I hug my friends. They all look ridiculously gorgeous. Olivia wears her blond hair perfectly straightened and falling on her chest and back over the little precious stones that adorn her silver cocktail dress and Marie wears her signature bun with a little black dress with a see-through neckline that fits her perfectly; sexy but safe, so to say.

Turning around, I see Jason pretending to be gladly surprised by my looks, and I chuckle and shake my head.

“Looking good in that white suit jacket, JJ.”

He smiled.

“I have to stand out, you know? I’m single now.”

“Damn right you are.” I grab a champagne flute from the waiter that walks right behind me. “And I’ll drink to that.”

He laughs.

“Now seriously, you look like you just came out of The Great Gatsby.”

“Except there’s no Leonardo Dicaprio.”

“Except that.” Jason smiles.

“How are you?” Olivia’s hand rests on my lower back and I give her a smile.

“I’m good, thank you.” I frown but smile. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, you know.” She shrugs and gives Marie a SOS look. “I was wondering how you were holding up after… The breakup.”

“What breakup now?” I look at Marie.

Her lips part in a small oh and her eyes open wide like a deer caught in headlights.

“You know, Adam and I talk.” She shrugs.

“You mean Adam and you mind everybody’s business.”

“Harry told him you guys were not seeing each other anymore.” She frowns.

I feel a punch on the pit of my belly.

“Yeah, that’s right. We… We aren’t.” But I pretend I am long past it even though they just confirmed what I thought was happening.  

“And you’re… Just okay with that?” Ollie frowns.

“Yes!” Everyone’s frowning. “What, guys? Why are you making such a big deal? It’s fine. I’m just worried I won’t find sex like that in a while.” I fake giggle.

“Was it really that good?” Jason intervenes for the first time in what feels like a very long, very embarrassing interrogation.

“I mean… Never mind.” I chuckle.

“No, it does mind. Do share.”

“It was just the way he… Like kind of worshipped my body, you know, but like all of it.” I shrug. “I felt…”

“Loved.”

“Desired.” I correct Marie but she purses her lips to hide her smile and raises her eyebrows.

I shake my head and try to derail the conversation.

“What about you, Ollie? How are you?”

Ever since Jack said those things about her, she’s been struggling not to bump into someone who already knew. It’s strange how those ridiculous things run like gunpowder but it’s not new that a lot of girls didn’t like Olivia already and I guess this kind of was the perfect way to finally humiliate her.

“I’m fine.”

She smiles for as if on cue, Mario appears with two drinks on his hands and gives one to her. The way her body melted and made room for him surprises me. My God, she’s smitten and she’s Olivia and this is so cute to behold.

“Oh, hello, Indie. Happy New Year. If I had known you were here I would have gotten you a drink. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be!” I hug him. “Happy New Year to you too.”

He stands next to Olivia but turns in conversation with Jason and I notice Marie is nowhere to be found. Coco and Guido seem to be in their own bubble but I’ll have to go say hi when they don’t look so cosy.

“Where did Marie go?”

“She’s probably with Adam.” She shrugs. “I’m thinking about broadening my horizons.” She goes back to my first question it seems.

“Broadening your horizons? What does that mean?”

“I don’t know… These weeks in France have been wonderful. I was thinking maybe transferring to Paris or something.”

“But like- forever?” I panic.

She shrugs, holding back a little smirk.

“But you can’t leave! I mean, wouldn’t you miss us? And what about Mario? You finally start a relationship and now you’re leaving him?”

“Mario would have to understand. If he didn’t, that would be a total deal breaker. Plus, we’re not even in a relationship or at least not in the traditional kind of relationship. We’re both free humans who-”

“You’re not in an open relationship with Mario, are you?”

I’m not being judgemental. I have no problems at all with open relationships it’s just Mario doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy fitted for that. I mean he told me himself he falls very quickly and I could see how heartbroken he was about Olivia’s rejection so I’m just afraid he’s told her yes because he would take whatever it is she’s willing to give.

My friend nods proudly and I face palm.

“Oh God, Ollie, you’re gonna hurt him.”

“What? Why? Not at all!”

“Wasn’t it your idea then?”

“No, it was, but this is what’s best for us. I’m not in my best moment” her blue eyes beg for my understanding and support- she’ll always have the second “and this will be good for him too. He’s a little too traditional if we’re being fully honest here-”

I disconnect but I let her talk because I already understood. She’s scared because she really likes him and this is just her way of trying to run away from it. Thinking about going to France, having an open relationship… God, she just really doesn’t want to let herself fall in love.

“Why are you smiling like that?” She frowns.

I chuckle and give her a knowing look and she just squints pretending she can’t read my mind at this point.

“You think you’re some sort of guru, alright, I get it.”

I throw my head back and laugh but my laughing cuts short as soon as Harry appears in my visual opening. He wears a black suit with a white shirt and a fucking black bow tie that really makes him look like The Great Gatsby I used to picture in my mind when I read the book.

The air gets kicked out of my lungs with every step he takes because he looks so dreamy and I know everyone has noticed but for the rest of people in this room he’s just a handsome man. He’s so much more to me.

From the corner of my eyes, I watch him greet everybody. He takes a little extra time talking to Coco and that makes me nervous. I don’t want to be a narcissistic asshole but I can’t help considering they might be talking about me. I yearn for hearing him say my name and see how his lips hug the u in Blue when everybody else calls me Indie.

Before I can process what’s happening, he’s stopped in front of me and his green eyes are setting mine on flames. My belly flips and he hasn’t even touched me but it’s like he’s putting all these memories inside my head with that stare and in my mind, all these images are playing… Us in the shower, him making breakfast, us watching a movie, him driving me home…

He doesn’t say anything but I know he likes my dress by the way he’s smirking. He leans in and I feel his warm hand against my bare back as he presses a kiss on my cheek.

“Why are you always so cold?” He frowns.

“I’m an ice floe, don’t you remember?”

“As lovely as usual.” He smirks. “Some things never change.”

“Wait, we’re talking to one another, right? What we’re not doing is seeing each other or so does Marie said because apparently Adam told her you told him. That’s three people, Harry, it takes three people for me to know something I should have known from you.”

“How is that my fault?”

“Well-”

“You’re the one who stopped talking to me.”

I frown. That’s not even true but before I can tell him, Olivia’s hand rests on my shoulder and she almost yells.

“You won’t believe what just happened! Oh, hi, Harry, nice to see you, nice bow tie.” She gives him a smile that lasts a second and then turns back to me. “I was at the bar and this ridiculously hot guy was talking to his friend about you!”

“About me?” I frown. “What do you mean?”

“He literally told his friend ´Indigo Anderson is here, I just saw her´”

“And that’s it?” I laugh.

“He was very handsome.” Her blue eyes widen and I laugh again.

Harry’s still standing there but his jaw is clenched and his shoulders have tensed up. I don’t understand him. He has decided to break up with me, even though there was nothing to break, and hasn’t even had the decency to tell me about it and now he seems not to like that this very handsome stranger knows I’m here? Well, he should have thought twice.

“That’s him!” Ollie says, pointing at the middle of the room with her big grey eyes. “That’s the one.”

Eric Buchanan’s eyes meet mine. I give him a teasing smile and see the corner of his eyes crackle. It’s been a while since Harry doesn’t seem that happy to see me and instead he’s just standing there tensed like a wooden man and I’ve had enough of this so I just make my way towards Eric. He takes the clue and makes his way towards me too so we meet in the middle. Funny how I seem to be unable to do that with Harry.

“Fuck me if it isn’t Indigo Blue Anderson, the soul of every party.” He smiles.

“I’m pretty sure I should be offended but your sarcastic tone is really not sarcastic at all.” I smile back.

“That’s because I wasn’t being sarcastic, miss.” He smiles. “You know I was checking the photos the photographer took at my birthday the other day and he took some while you were honouring me with your dancing” I roll my eyes but he keeps on smiling “and I gotta say they’re pretty good shots.”

“Well your hip movement was kind of hypnotizing” I try mimic his crazy movements and make him blush but he laughs.

“Yeah, wasn’t really talking about that.”

“You’re too flattering, Eric.”

“You remember my name.” He smiles.

“You think I’m an idiot?”

“No” he laughs “I just think you’re way out of my league.”

“Still too flattering.”

He chuckles. I notice his eyes look somewhere behind me and then back at me for enough times to make me curious, so I raise my eyebrows questioningly.

“Trouble in paradise?”

I tilt my neck and spot Harry glaring at us from the spot where he pretends to be paying attention to Mario and Adam and I roll my eyes. I don’t even have to change the topic because one of Eric’s friends pulls from his shoulder and all but yells that they’re taking a group photo. His lips turn upside down as he points at his friend on his back but I dismiss him with a smile and a shake of my hand.

“I will however catch you later.”

“You seem so sure of it.” I joke.

Am I flirting? Oh my God, I think I’m flirting. What am I doing?

My throat is dry. I need a drink. I turn around and I can tell I’m frowning when Marie hands me a drink. I look down at it and realize it’s probably gin and tonic.

“Thanks.” I have a sip. Yeah, Bulldog and Mediterranean.

“Way to go, girl.” Ollie frowns impressed next to me.

“What?”

“That’s probably what you need.” Marie adds. “After all, the quickest way to get over one man is…”

“What? No! We were just talking.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what most people do when they flirt.”

“We weren’t flirting!”

Or at least they can’t know that, they didn’t hear us. Looking over at Eric, I realize he is indeed a very, very handsome man. He’s tall too and his body is just very manly and I think under any other circumstances, I would be attracted to him. I mean- am I attracted to him now? Why wouldn’t I be? He’s objectively very attractive. I don’t want to fall into that path. I don’t want not to be attracted to him because the thought of Harry is still clouding my judgement. Is it true? Am I never going to feel as alive as I did with him? I need to stop thinking these stupid things.

“Can we just stop talking about men?”

“Amen” Jason agrees as he joins us. “Let’s just celebrate that we are still together for the new year and that that is how things are going to be.”

“Amen” Ollie raises her glass and the four of us cling our glasses together for that. “And that we are repeating for the third year Marie’s beach house tradition.”

“Woho!”

“About that though” Marie bites her bottom lip.

“Oh, please don’t tell me you’re cancelling.”

“I’m not.” Marie stops Jason right there and he sighs bringing his hand to his chest. “It’s just… I know for the past three years it’s just been the four of us but I was thinking… Maybe this year… Adam could join?”

The three of us just stand there with our lips parted. We’re being unsupportive, I can tell that much; but it’s just… That weekend is always being just for the four of us. It’s The Golden Girls’ getaway and the thought of having a guy joining just… But it is her house.

“I know it might sound strange to you guys but” Marie leans closer to us so she can whisper the next part “Adam and I haven’t… Had sex yet. I think that weekend at the beach… You know with the fireplace, the marshmallows… It might be romantic and it might just be the time.”

“With all of us there?” I horrify. “I mean, he’s probably just nervous or even shy about it, do you think it’s going to help him to have the three of us around?”

“Wait, what if we postpone our weekend away?” Ollie suggests, pleasing no parties involved.  

“No!” Jason frowns. “Come on, this is the perfect weekend! After that we have practice and we can’t just get pissed for three days straight… Come on, Marie, I need this.”

“No, I don’t want to cancel or postpone it. I want you guys there.” She panics.

“What- like an orgy?” Ollie’s eyes open wide.

“No, you maniac!” Marie blushes. “But… Listen, this is getting to me, alright? It’s been very long since I don’t have sex and… I don’t know what to do and Adam’s got… You know… His things… And I might need urgent emotional support, emergency Golden Girls’ meeting in the kitchen, you know?”

Her puppy eyes always work. I bite my bottom lip and almost hear Jason’s wheels turning on his mind.

“I got it.” Jason says. “You know how it would probably be a little awkward for him to spend an entire weekend with his girlfriend’s crazy friends on his own, right?”

Marie nods with sad puppy eyes as if she also had thought about it but didn’t know what to do about that.

“But” J’s brows raise on his forehead “you know what would make it a lot easier for him?”

She shakes her head. I can’t believe we’re letting JJ be so dramatic. This is what he loves.

“Having his best friends around, just like you, and isn’t it such a good thing that his best friends happen to be Ollie’s guy and Harry?”

“I am not inviting Harry.” I interfere.

Jason’s eyes set on me while he gives me a long, hard, severe stare.

“Are you seriously telling me you’re not willing to put your stupid fight away for your best friend to bone his best friend who is also her boyfriend with erectile disfunction?”

Marie shushes him as the three of them give me all their attention.

“Well, fine, invite him. I won’t be going then.”

“What? No, dude!” Marie pleads. “I really need you there.”

“Oh, come on! I’ll pretend we’re fucking if you will” Jason shrugs “because I mean Mario is fun but he’s probably going to be cuddling Ollie 24/7 so it’d really just be you and me.”

“And Adam and me.” Marie raises her eyebrows.

“You two are gonna be boning.”

“Well maybe we don’t do anything.”

“What do you mean? Of course you will! He’s a guy, I bet he’s dying to bone you.”

“Can you just stop saying bone?” Marie scolds him. “He hasn’t… He hasn’t even touched me. And he hasn’t told me about… The… E.D. problem yet…”

“Wait, so then how do you know?” Ollie frowns.

“Harry told me.”

“What? I can’t believe him! Isn’t he supposed to be his best friend?”

“Hey, calm down! That’s why he told me. He was just worried about him… He’s actually a really good guy.”

I glare at her. I can’t believe after all the shit she’s giving me, she’s backing him now that he broke up with me.

“Why don’t you talk to him?” Ollie asks.

“To whom?”

“To Adam.”

“I don’t want to put Harry on the spot.”

“Since when do you care about Harry? What the fuck is this, Marie? You’ve been giving me shit about him since I met him and now that he finally broke my heart like you said he would he turns into an angel in your eyes?”

“What did you just say?”

My blood freezes on my veins at the sound of his deep voice stopping my every thought. My breath catches on my throat and I feel dizzy. My body works without processing and I somehow face him so I guess it must have turned. His green eyes are staring into mine and his brows are furrowed. Mario is a step ahead of him.

“Were you eavesdropping?” I accuse him.

“We were going to order a drink and I heard you say my name so I stopped. I thought you were talking to me.”

“And when you realize I wasn’t you eavesdropped.”

He stays silent but his eyes don’t leave mine. My friends have gone so now it’s just him and me face to face and I know there are lots of people around for after all this is a new year’s party but it doesn’t feel that way to me now.  

“What did you just say, Indie?”

My jaw clenches. If he thinks I’m about to humiliate myself in front of him and give him validation for his superior attitude he’s wrong. He decided to end things and didn’t even think it was important enough so as to give me notice so I won’t give him the satisfaction of knowing it is that easy for him to hurt me.

“I said Marie’s been giving me shit about you since the beginning but I guess she was right after all.” I shrug. “You did use me and then-”

“Use you? How?”

My eyes hold his. He can’t be serious.

“You slept with me whenever you wanted-”

“I thought we both wanted it.” He frowns but I can see the horror on his eyes.

“I’m not saying you forced me, Harry. But the thing is you came and went whenever you needed a fuck and lied to me and then when things got a little complicated you just… Left” I shrug again “Like that, so easy, and you didn’t even tell me-”

His fingers wrapping around my forearm cut my words short as he walks towards the end of the hall. I keep frowning but I don’t say a thing. I wouldn’t know what to say. Instead, I let him guide us towards an empty dinner area where I’m guessing people celebrate happy moments for there’s also an empty stage and an empty bar next to it. Every piece of furniture is covered up with big white pieces of cloth and it feels like we’re standing in the middle of a ghost town.

He finally releases my arm and starts pacing back and forth in front of mine. I stare at him in silence for about a minute until I think this is too crazy even for me.

“What are you doing?”

“We need to talk.” He sets his hands on his hips so his suit jacket folds on his shoulders and his elbows and I can’t help my eyes as they travel don his upper body. God, he looks so good.

“I’m scared.”

“You are scared?” I let out a humourless chuckle.

“I don’t understand.”

“You don’t understand?” Now that makes me laugh.

“Indie, I’m serious.”

The staidness of his voice makes me feel young. I swallow my witty remarks and try to hear him. I’ve been feeling like shit and I’ve been blaming him but maybe he’s got something to say too. I lick my lips and stare into his eyes, hoping he’d understand I’m here to listen now. I’m all done with this being mad for no particular reason and feeling like shit about it.

His green eyes burn mine as they look heavily into mine.

“You…” His index finger points at me. “You are so out of my league.”

I frown. What the hell is he talking about?

“This is crazy, you and me, its crazy.”

“I know.” I agree.

“When we talked in the car the other night… After what happened to you… You still listened to me and you fucking comforted me and when I looked at you, you just looked so small and vulnerable and fragile and I… I got scared.” He shrugs. “Because I thought if something were to happen to you, I would… I have been so selfish. I didn’t think how much you’d suffer with a low-life like me but you don’t deserve that, Blue.”

My brows meet and I find myself unarmed as every weapon I had ever held against this man just falls on my feet. I know this might sound like the same old story but I also know, even if he lied to me, that this is Harry speaking his mind out. He’s done that with me before, countless of times, as if he didn’t have a filter and he’s doing it now and it breaks my heart to know this is what’s going on in his mind.

“I don’t want to hurt you, okay? That’s like- the last thing I want but… These last few days I’ve been at Bellamond and I’ve tried so hard not to think about any of this, not to think about you, not to think about how you make me feel but it’s just useless because I always have to come back and you’re everywhere. You’re in my room, you’re in my kitchen, you’re in my shower, you’re just… I can’t stop thinking about you.”

I’ve thought in my mind countless of times what I would say to him after our talk in his car but those words are just leaving my mind now like birds leave their nests on the winter. I just stare at him. I feel like I’ve never had a tighter knot on my throat.

“We haven’t talked since that night where I told you everything and I thought you were relieved that whatever it is that we have was over because I wasn’t chasing you around anymore and you didn’t contact me either so I thought… But��� You’re hurt, aren’t you?”

I can’t help it, the blushing takes over my face and I purse my lips so they stop shaking. Harry gets blurry. No, please, I don’t want to cry.

“Did you miss me?”

I decide biting my bottom lip might make it stop trembling and I nod my head but I don’t look into his eyes.

“The only reason I left was not to hurt you, Blue.” He confesses in a low voice.

I look up at him until our eyes meet. I search for the lie, for the part of him that’s only saying what he thinks I want to hear but I don’t find it. He’s telling the truth, he doesn’t lie; and yet, it doesn’t feel soothing.

I never thought the reason things were going to end between us was because he cared too much. I’ve been thinking about it for days and all these implausible reasons came running to my mind but not once did I think he was trying to protect me. I’ve doubted myself, I’ve doubted him, I’ve doubted this thing we had going on and I’ve thought he’s only seen me like a doll, like a sexual toy, or like something on his shelf he could pick up whenever he was bored and I feel terrible now. He’s been as kind with me as he is with anyone else.

I still don’t know what to say.

“But now, after hearing you say that” he continues “I feel like I can tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

“I want to do this.”

My heartbeat speeds up to the point where I think he can hear it. My hands get sticky, I feel sweat gathering on the back of my neck.

“What do you mean?”

“I want this.” He declares. “I want to overthink every little thing and I want to invite you to my sister’s birthday party and I want to” he smirks timidly and even though I don’t know what he’s about to say, the corner of my lips curl up too “rely on those closest to me and share their burdens, as they share mine.”

I full on grin when I hear him recite to me the words I apparently recited to him on my sleep what feels like ages ago and he giggles, surely proud that it worked. I can’t believe we’re doing this but I know I’m going to say yes.

I guess this is the way adult men ask adult women to be their girlfriend.

I shut my eyes and squeeze them tight. When I open them, he’s looking at me as if I was about to tell him something awful.

“It’s just about the weed, I know I’m probably making such a big deal out of it but-”

“I told you I won’t smoke again and I meant it.”

“But it’s not that easy.” I shake my head. “I know that, first-hand, and I can’t go through that again, Harry.”

“I know.” He nods and steps closer to me and for the first time since he grabbed me, his hand gently falls on my elbow and my breath gets stuck on my throat. “But I’m not asking you to like be my tutor or anything, Blue” he smiles “I just want you to be my girlfriend.” He smiles.

I chuckle.

“You’re labelling it now?”

“I just want you to be close.” He rephrases and my heart beats harder.

“How is that going to change anything?”

He frowns and looks at me as if I was insane and I can hear on his mind “it changes everything, baby” but instead he just rests his forehead against mine and I feel his hot, minty breath against my cheeks.

“I told you” he whispers “I don’t want to hurt you. That’s enough for me not to do things that will.”

I sigh and cup his cheeks on my hands, lifting his face so our eyes meet.

“One other thing though” I whisper “don’t speak about yourself like that ever again.”

I can hear him swallowing.

HARRY’S POV

Her big eyes investigate mine and I feel my pulse on my neck very close to where her fingers rest. Fuck, I want to kiss her. How can she disagree with me on anything I just said to her? It’s all true; keeping her with me is probably the most selfish thing I have ever done but I’ve missed her so much and it looks like she missed me too so why should I push her away?

I can’t believe I can hurt her. It doesn’t make sense to me that she cares about me enough so that I can break her heart like she said but just thinking that I did makes me feel like I’m not worth the air that I’m breathing. My eyes drop to her lips again and her pink tongue timidly licks them under my mesmerised stare. She must know what she’s doing.

My eyes shift back to hers and it’s a silence way of asking for permission but her hands close into fists on the lapels of my jacket and she presses her lips against mine. I feel the air coming down my throat and every fibre of my body electrifies. My hands find a home on her hips and I cling onto her when her tongue, fearless and tender, pushes inside my mouth and brings the electricity to mine.

She smells so good… It’s driving me crazy. I press my hands against the back of her thighs and hold her up and her perfect legs wrap around my hips. I walk holding her until I sit her down on the empty stage but she lies on her back and pulls me so my body is hovering over hers.

I feel her pulse against my lips as I kiss down her neck and back up to that place she loves right below her ear. She gasps and sweetly moans and I start to feel the lack of blood on my brain. I grind my hips against hers, slowly but firmly enough so that we both feel the friction, and she moans on my ear as her fingers sink on my hair.

Her words resound on my mind. You did use me and then… I’m not saying you forced me, Harry… You slept with me whenever you wanted…Whenever you needed a fuck…

“What’s wrong?” She whispers.

“It’s just” I smile in a pathetic attempt at covering my guiltiness “it’s the first time I’m gonna… We’re gonna fuck as a proper couple.” She rolls her eyes but smiles and I peck her lips “I don’t think I want to do it on a dusty abandoned stage.”

She smiles.

“Yeah, we probably should get back to the party.”

“Yes, we should.”

I stand up and hold my hand out for her and for once she lets me help her without a feminist remark. I look down at my pants, I think if I move the right way no one would notice. She fixes her hair as if she could look better and then gives me a smile. The air gets stuck on my throat.

“How do I look?”

“Fucking gorgeous.”

She giggles.

“Hey, H.”

I almost give myself whiplash with the speed I tilted my neck to see her. Did she just give me a nickname? That’s how I sign shit too, with an H, and I just like that she has her own special way of calling me.

“Sorry” she blushes “I don’t know where that came from.”

“Don’t be.” I squeeze her waist. “I like it.”

She grins. Fucking hell, she’s gonna make this whole don’t-fuck-her-that-often resolution very difficult.

“I just wanted to apologize for the way I reacted at your sister’s birthday. It was so fucking self-important of me to get mad at you when it was something so… Terrible and difficult for you. It just took me off guard but I want you to know I do not think it was your fault.”

“Don’t apologize for that.”

“No, I do. I do apologize, love. It was not right and I’m sorry.” She holds my gaze. “Do you forgive me?” She smirks.

“Of course, I do.” My voice surprises me as a whisper. “Do you forgive me?”

She just nods. She fascinates me.

When we go back to the party, I try to keep my hands to myself. I don’t want her to ever feel like that again, like she’s just a body that I use to get off; even the thought makes me want to throw up. But it doesn’t matter what I tell her, I’ve tried to explain it to her but I suck at it. I always end up sounding like some sort of sex deprived pervert or some sex addict, so I reckon I’m gonna have to cut the sex part of our relationship a little bit for her to understand it. It’s just… It’s so much more than that.

I don’t know how to put it into words but it’s like I have this need to physically be with her. I guess the fact that I’m aware of how much I suck at the communication department is also adding to the mixture but I feel like there’s only so much I can say, but I can show her what she does to me and I can be close to her, so impossibly close no one else gets to be there.

I’m afraid to tell her because I think it’s not sane and I’m sure she would never approve of that sense of possession I can’t help but to add to it but I just love having her all to myself and I love the way she sounds and the way she touches me and she pulls from my hair because she knows it’s her that’s making me go crazy.

She’s been studying me ever since we came back from our rendezvous. Whenever I glance at her, she’s staring at me and while her attention makes me thrilled, I’m kind of worried she might be having second thoughts. For the love of God, who would have think I would be such a wimp?

I don’t want to mess this up with her.

“Just go dance with her.” Mario laughs.

“I don’t dance.”

“She clearly wants to dance with you.” He raises his eyebrows.

“Well, she knows I don’t dance so...”

“Well, then that’s perfect to make her feel special.” He offers. “You don’t dance; unless…”

He raises his eyebrows like the kombucha girl meme and I finally let my lips curl up. He’s got a point… And she looks incredible in that dress… And I could have my hands on her hips or even kiss her because she’s my girl.

Before I know what I’m doing, my feet start moving towards her. She grins and immediately stands right by my side as if I was the only one dancing with her. She makes me nervous.

“Just know I’ve never done this before.”

“You’ve never danced?” She smiles.

“I’ve never danced with a girl.”

“Well” she shrugs “you can pretend I’m a boy, if you want.”

I look her body up and down. Right, like I could ever pretend that. I chuckle but I know she can tell I’m nervous. She is pretty good at reading my body. She presses a kiss to my cheek and I already feel like being here and being ridiculous is worth it but then she turns her body so that her back is pressed against my chest and she rests my hands on her hips.

“Just relax, baby.”

She smiles at me before she starts pushing her hips against mine and moving them in circles. I feel her moving against me and watch her smile and I know she knows what she’s doing. I’ve heard this song on the radio before and I know she likes it. I think about the light, for the singer says he’s blinded by the lights, and I can only pity him for if he’s blind, he’ll never get to see this.

Swaying her shoulders, Blue caresses the side of neck before she pushes all her hair to one side on her face, leaving the skin on her cheek and her neck completely exposed to me. I’m sure she can hear my troubled breathing.

“Are you enjoying it?” She asks.

“You’re torturing me.” I giggle stupidly.

“Am I?” She presses her bum deeper against me and my grip on her hip tightens, stopping her. “How so?”

“You look like an angel” I whisper on her ear because two can play this game “but you’re the devil in disguise.”

She giggles and that alone does it for me yet then she turns around and rests her hands on my shoulders before she’s kissing me. I feel my heart beating on the back of my throat. When she’s satisfied, having stolen all the air of my lungs, she pulls back but just the inches enough so I can hear her.

“Are you tired?”

No, but if she wants to leave, I’ll be the first to run.

“Do you wanna go?” I ask her instead.

She just nods but her face makes me laugh. She looks so tired yet so beautiful and sexy it’s ridiculous.

“Okay, then let’s go, babe.”

We walk together towards my car and I reach for her hand. It relaxes my pulse somewhat that she doesn’t pull away. I remember she tried to hold my hand once, when we had just shagged a couple times I reckon, and I pulled away. I guess even back then I kind of knew this was not just sex.

“Yours or mine?”

“Yours.” She smiles.

And that’s the last thing she says until we make it to my apartment. When we walk inside and I close the door behind her, I make my way towards the kitchen and pour myself a glass of water. If she hadn’t said what she did about me using her, I would have her against the wall.

I can’t help thinking about the soft skin on her neckline and the sweet vanilla scent she always brings to my nostrils and how intoxicating her whispers can be so I drink more water than I need, thinking that’s going to help holding myself back. From the corner of my eye, I can see her resting her hips on the kitchen island and crossing her arms across her chest.

“What is it?” She whispers.

“What is it?”

“Is it-” She swallows. “Never mind.”

“Is it what?”

I turn around so I can look at her and I don’t like the way she’s covering herself up even when she’s still fully dressed. She’s taken off her coat and that fucking black dress she’s wearing is hugging her figure in all the right places and I can’t help my eyes. But then I hear her take a deep breath and my eyes search hers but she’s not looking at me.

“I put on some weight… It’s just… It’s Christmas.”

My face contorts. I do not know what she’s talking about.

“And that’s something you wanted to tell me because…?”

Only then her hazel eyes look into my own and her self-doubt punches me on the belly.

“I was just considering that maybe… You don’t… Find me as attractive as you used to.”

Her lips set on a line as she stares at me. It feels like she’s apologizing for that, which is beyond fucked up, but the only thing I like about this is that small hint of challenge she’s giving me. I can see Blue fighting Indie, the confident, strong, independent woman in her is telling me I put on some weight and you can go fuck yourself if you have a problem with that; and the teenage girl in her is ashamed that she did. I don’t know which one is winning but I look at her and I see her and I see her lips, full and plump and intense red and perfect and I see her nose, like a hazelnut left under her eyes, and I see her cheekbones and her neck and her chest and it just puzzles me that she could ever think I don’t find her attractive.

“How...?” I can’t find the words. “What are you talking about?”

“Do you feel as attracted to me as you did before?”

“What? Where is this coming from?”

I want to understand her. Maybe someone said something to her, some jealous bitch or something or maybe she’s just putting these ideas on her own mind and that would be a bigger problem.

“Well…” She starts “When we were kissing before, you just pulled away when it started to get, uh, hot, I guess and… You have barely touched me after that… So I’m just wondering… Do you not want to… Touch me like that anymore?”

I shut my eyes, we’ve been over this before and we ended up having sex and she doesn’t seem to get it.

“Do you really think I could ever not be attracted to you?”

Her eyes frantically move between my own as if she was searching for the answer on my pupils.

“It’s crossed my mind.”

“Alright, we need to talk about this.”

She’s horrified and she hasn’t even heard what I’ve got to say. I hope I don’t sound like a creep to her and I hope I can manage to explain this.

“I am trying to hold back pretty hard because you make it very difficult for me but… Uh… After what you said about… How you felt… Used and… That I just came to you when I needed a fuck that’s just not true. I mean obviously you turn me on and you like wake this thing inside me like I just can’t enough of you but that’s not all you are to me. In fact, that’s like the small part. I mean… Sex with you is amazing but… I think it feels so good because it’s not just sex. Am I making any sense?”

She nods her head and smiles.

“I think you are.”

“I… Do you remember when you told me you weren’t okay with me sleeping with other people because it made you feel like just another notch on my belt?” She nods but her expression has changed from happy to embarrassed. “Well, I wasn’t even sleeping with other people. I just…” I shake my head- I messed up from the beginning, didn’t I? “I thought that was what you wanted and I thought if you knew I was only seeing you I’d scare you away because you had said so many time before that you didn’t want a relationship and that it was just sex but it’s not.” I chuckle. “And I get why you don’t get it. I mean I’ve been worried myself that I had become obsessed with sex, you know?”

“Well, are you?” She frowns.

“No,” I chuckle “it’s not about sex, Blue. It’s… You.” I shrug. There, I said it. “If anything, that’s what I’m obsessed with.” I laugh. “I just didn’t know how to tell you, I guess, and the way I knew how was that. I guess what I’m trying to say is- I am…” I take a deep breath, what am I going to say? “Crazy about you and… it’s not just sex, I…” like, love “care about you” I nod, good choice “a lot.”  

She bites her bottom lip but the corner of her lips curl upwards into a smile. She’s nervous and so am I. I don’t know how to do this.

“I care about you too.” She confesses and I feel a weight being lifted off my chest that escapes like chuckles through my nostrils. “And I’m sorry I threw this whole thing at you. It’s just… I had a bad year in high school and I know that’s like so long ago and I’m an adult now and a lot of things have happened after that but I guess it just… Deep down I still have an issue with that.” Her voice croaks and she tilts her neck as if that was going to keep her tears at bay. It does. “It’s not you, I mean it’s not on anything you do, it’s just me. I need to get over that.”

“Okay.” I smile at her.

I feel lucky she shared that with me and I can tell a lot of things have changed tonight. We are actually talking and I feel like she just opened a little window for me to peek at the inside wonders of Indigo Blue Anderson.

“And just to be clear” I add “You look breath-taking and your body is amazing and you should never even consider that I don’t find you attractive. I think about you naked all the time.”

She laughs and her eyes beg for my closeness. I hold my hand in the air for her to take and she does but still doesn’t move.

“Now, come here.”

I lean in closer so I can grab her elbow instead of her hand and pull her towards me faster. I am still grinning when she finally presses her lips against mine. Her kiss is soft but needy and my pulse accelerates as I feel my blood rushing in a frenzy. I squeeze her hips and her tongue pushes inside my mouth making me swallow my own breath as her fingers sink into my hair and she pulls from it.

“I know it’s not just sex” she whispers against my lips “but I want to fuck you.”

Her initiative stirs something inside me and all my blood rushes to my dick. I’ve desired this woman since the last time I was inside her and now I know she feels the same way.

“You know I care about you too?” I ask her.

“Yes.” She licks my lips and drives me crazy. “But now I want you to shut up and give me the attention that I want after you ignored me for days.”

“The attention that you want?”

I think my delightfulness can be heard on my tone. Ignore her for day… She has no idea how many times I’ve touched myself thinking about her, imagining her on top of me, imagining how her sweet voice would sound on my ear if she told me she loves me.

“Yes.” She bites my bottom lip.

“And what is it that you want, love?”

She pulls away so she can look into my eyes and rests her hands on my chest.

“I want you to make me forget about anything that’s not you and for you to touch me and to kiss me without holding back.”

Her words make my blood boil but somehow they bring a strange calm to the rest of the room, like they lifted a weight on my shoulders. My hands are still resting on her hips and my lips are parted. I don’t know what to say to her, she’s mesmerising. She leans in then until her lips brush against my ear and my eyes closed. She whispers.

“I want to feel your hands all over my body and to have you gasping for air on my ear and then I want to feel your fingers inside me until I’m about to cum and then” my hands move down to her ass and she sighs on my ear “I want you to get inside me and fuck me until I can’t see.”

She pulls apart so she can look into my eyes I guess but I can take mine away from her parted lips and the outline of her breasts under her dress. When I manage to look up at her though, my usually timid girl has wild eyes as she looks at me. She pushes my chest slightly so as to get a reaction from me and I feel the luckiest bastard on Earth.

“So what? Are you going to do it?”

She presses kisses down my cheek and the side of my neck and I thank God I untied my bowtie a while ago so she has access to the line that joins my neck and my shoulder with her sweet tongue.

I can’t take it anymore. My fingers sink on her skin as I push her towards the bedroom and I feel her smiling against my skin. Holding her hips, I turn her body around and undo the little button that’s holding her dress around her neck and watch it fall until it’s just a dark bundle on her ankles. She’s not wearing a bra but I already knew that. I circle her and sit down on my mattress with her between my legs and just look up. She’s wearing nothing but a red wine colour velvet thong and my hands caress her belly and the top of her thighs when she rests her hands on my shoulders.

“I’ve been torturing myself with this memory of how you look in just your knickers for a week...” I drink in every detail I’ve missed so much, the curve of her hips, the flesh under the strap of her thong, her navel… “You’re so fucking gorgeous, my love.”

She grins at me and pushes on my shoulder enough so there’s room for her to straddle me and her perfect, soft breasts are inches away from me. I grab her ass and squeeze it on my hand and she moans sweetly. Holy shit, I can’t remember being this turned on with anyone else.

I wrap my lips around one of her dark nipples and my other hand squeezes her other breast and her nails sink on my shoulders as she gasps and moans. I torture her just like she did before with that porn scene in the kitchen and I run my tongue around her nipple and my fingers down the cups of her perfect breasts that fill my hand when I squeeze them. She’s so beautiful, fuck.

She unbuttons my shirt and pushes the fabric down my arms until I’m shirtless. I’d pay to know what’s going through her mind but she seems to read mine because with a pull from her thong, she lifts one knee at a time on the air so I can put it down her legs. Once she’s fully naked, I slide my hand between her thighs and grace my fingers with her wetness. I grunt myself when I notice how soaked she is and I need to taste her so I slip down her body and lie on my back, pulling from the back of her full thighs until her wet slit is on my mouth.

“Oh God!” She only speaks when my tongue darts down her wet folds.

I close my lips around her clit and suck it inside my mouth and hear her gasping over me. She’s so warm and salty and I’ve missed this like crazy. Our eyes meet and the way she’s looking down at me with big eyes and pupils blown away has me grinning.

“Did you touch yourself these days?”

She shuts her mouth but gives me a look as if considering whether to tell me. Her skin over her cheeks and down her neck has tinged pink. I smile. She did and just the image of her lying on her bed with her tanned legs spread opened and her hand on her clit… I press one single finger on her entrance and slip it in just an inch and she groans.

“Don’t play with me.”

“Answer me, baby.”

“Yes, I did.”

I reward her with my tongue licking away where she likes it and she gasps and pulls from my hair.

“Did you think about this?” I whisper in between licks. “Did you imagine it was me?”

“Yes.” She moans. “I thought of you, just you in general.”

It takes me by surprise that she elaborates that much so I grab her cheeks and pull her closer to my mouth as I devour her turning her into a moaning mess over me.

“I thought of your hands” she grants me more “and your voice and the way you smell and how warm you always are…”

Her confession excites me and I want to pleasure her more than I’ve ever wanted to before. I know I could have her cumming in my mouth in a few minutes but that’s not what I want right now. I want to kiss her and I want her to kiss me so I slip down between her legs and take off my pants and boxers in the second it takes her to turn around with a confused face.

She looks so soft and velvety and so fucking sexy… I place my hands on her hips and her belly and turn her around so her back hits the mattress and then I lie on top of her, claiming her mouth in a hungry kiss that she reciprocates. Her hands go down my bare chest.

“I love your body.”

I smile. Her complimenting me is rare but I love it. She’s told me she thinks I’m handsome but she’s never complimented my body before. She licks her reddish lip from all the kissing and I grind my hips against her so she can feel how hard I am for her. Her eyes roll to the back of her head and I cup her cheek on one hand so her face stays still and I can see her. With the other hand, I grab my dick and align it with her sex before I slowly roll inside her.

“Oh.” She moans as I grind my hips pushing deeper until she’s taken me completely.  

“Fuck, I’ve missed you.”

I love having her without a condom. I didn’t think it was going to be that different, but I can feel her wet and warm and slippery around me and it drives me crazy. I move slowly in and out of her and lift my weight on my elbows against the mattress so I can see her face better as I enter her and her hands move to the lower part of my back where she sinks her nails. Like that she pulls me in closer and tries to get me deeper inside her and the sweat graces my spine like transparent pearls.

I feel our connection like a rush of electricity that runs from the spot where I end and she begins all the way up to my heart and throat and mind. She consumes me and I’m not sure where that separation, that spot where I end, is any longer. We’re one right now and I can’t think of a better feeling.

We move in perfect sync and her hips sink down and drift apart at the rhythm of my thrusts. Her walls clench around me and she moans. I see round droplets of sweat covering her chest and her hairline and she just looks so good and so mine.

“You look so sexy, Blue.” I whisper.

With her eyes still closed, she grins taking my compliment and I have to control myself, to hold the words that are burning my throat. Two confessions in one night are already one too many… So instead I just contemplate the woman underneath me and my hand rests on her neck as I move in and out of her and she bites her lip. When her eyes open, she smiles at me and our eyes lock for the longest time.

“I’ve really missed you.” She whispers and a hint of embarrassment flashes on her eyes when she realizes she’s said it out loud.

“I’ve missed you too.” I reciprocate and she brings my face down for a kiss.

Her lips move down my chin to my neck and her tongue slowly presses against my skin. I growl and sink harder inside her making her gasp.

“Wait” I grab her chin with my fingers and bring her face to mine.

“What? What’s wrong?” Confusion floods her beautiful eyes.

“Nothing, I just want to kiss you.”

I feel her smiling against my lips as I kiss her and move my hips sinking inside her and drifting away slowly but firmly. Everything else disappears; it’s just her and me and that’s enough for me.

I pull from her waist and almost lift her from the mattress so that our bodies are as close as humanly possible. I pull away so that I can look at her again and she gives me a smile that melts me. I look down at her body as my hand goes all over her skin, first her breast and then her belly until I find that bundle of nerves that’s throbbing for me and press circles with my fingers against it.

“Tell me how you feel.” I grunt.

I almost can’t stand the pleasure running down my spine and pressing on the end of my dick threatening to paint her walls white but I want to hold it still, I want this to last and for us to have this moment for a little longer.

“It feels so good, H…” She moans my new nickname and I grunt, pushing harder inside her. “You feel amazing… I feel…” I watch her as I speed up the rhythm, she’s struggling with the words and her voice is so raspy and wet and heavy and I won’t last much longer. “Oh, God.”

Her hand curls against the sheets and she sinks her nails on the mattress as I pierced her against it and move faster and faster in and out of her.

“Fuck, Harry, I’m gonna cum.”

I feel her body tensing underneath mine and her nipples peak against my skin as her walls contort and milk me and I grunt and cum inside her before I breathlessly collapse next to her. We both catch our breaths and I watch her sweaty chest moving up and down until the movements are calmed and then I wrap my arm around her and pull her body closer to mine.

[lunavadash-creates]

Have I ever told you that you are the sweetest cupcake ever?❤️ It’s impossible to not smile at your posts! I sincerely thank you for all your sympathy towards me! My heart just melts! It’s so rare to find such a pure and kind soul like you. Please, don’t change. Ever.

You made me worried a bit with your last paragraph - maybe I am oversensitive, but I am really worried. It breaks my heart honestly, I feel like you belittle yourself. Babe, you are wonderful! I am not saying this just for you to feel better, but because you REALLY are. Think for a moment about things you’ve already achieved! Darling, you graduated! It’s really something. It is even more something when you study two different majors at the same time and study in language school at weekends. It’s real hardcore! I am proud of you. SO FREAKING MUCH! You did so well and you did so much! Please, be aware of it. You are incredibly talented and creative. YOU are hard working, not me. And you know what? Please, have a proper rest. Don’t overwork yourself anymore. You have to have some space just for you. You have to rest and regain your balance. Don’t think about writing as your duty. I know you feel responsible for all requests you have. But they really won’t run away or disappear. They all will be waiting to be written when you rest. Don’t pressure yourself, I beg you. You know I love your writing. We all here love it. But we love you even more. Taking a break it’s not bad. It’s necessary. When you rest you will be able to concentrate, you will have a fresh mind and new ideas. Just remember that you are a priority.

Speaking of your visit to Prague. OMG, THIS ASTRONOMICAL CLOCK!! I envy you soooooo much! I wish I could see it by myself someday! Thank you so much for the photo! And geez, you are the very first person admitting that museums are wonderful! No one amongst my friends likes them and it hurts so much, because I couldn’t go to the Uffizi museum and Palazzo Vecchio in Florence. I would love to go to any museum with you then! Museum of sex toys sounds really interesting, mostly because it’s not about modern toys. Like, I would never thought that people could have such rich sex life! I heard that in Amsterdam and Paris there are similar museums. But! I bet you would love icelandic museum of punk. Ohh, I am pretty sure you would enjoy it! It’s really small, because well..Its former public toilet. Buuuut, if you like non-obvious museums this is definitely for you. Whale museum was also pretty good. Or I enjoyed it just because I love whales. I was also in a museum of teddy bears in Seoul and it was the cutest museum I have ever been in! Tell me more about that vegan restaurant! What good did you eat? I am not vege myself, but I avoid eating meat on a daily basis so it’s easy to make me excited with such things!

I am not sure if I am better. I mean, I changed my mind about being able to sleep all day. I am not able to sleep at all at the moment. I am tired and my eyelids are so heavy, but sleep never comes. I guess insomnia hits again, it's a never-ending circle. But I am concerned about your leg! I guess you had spoken with doctor since you got xray and usg. Did they say anything? Any ideas of what it could possibly be? It has to be something serious if you have problems with walking! How did you manage to go sightseeing in Prague? Babe, please, take care of yourself! And what does “health problem AGAIN” mean?! Have you had such a problem before?? It scares me like.. we just started adulthood? My friend sneezed and it made him lay in bed for 6 days not being able to move. Literally.

Yeah, I was in South Korea, but please, do not perceive me as your role model. Gods, it would be a terrible decision, really. But, I would love to share some stories with you if you want! I know it's a popular destination these days because of kpop. I used to listen to it, but I think a few years ago kpop was better? More interesting? Now I’m more into khh, but I think I can’t say that I’m into it anymore.

Talking about music! I discovered two new songs and I bet you know them already, but for me it was huge woah woah woah! First of it - Sabaton. Thay covered Metallica’s For Whom The Bell Tolls and they did it so good! Secondly - The Heart Asks Pleasure First. They basically made their own song based on one of my favourite piano songs. Oh my.. it’s sooo good!

And still talking about music! I just wanted to say that I also love our Wombo edits! That one with Ezio singing Stressed out was perfect! Mr Auditore looked very believably singing it. I liked the one with Edward and Haytham. I don’t know the song but it had such a christmas vibe! It made me think of Edward and Shay singing Last Christmas or some other shitty Christmas song together. Why them? No idea. I love Altair, but your latest headcanons could make me love them even more.

And! I just wanted to tell you that you inspired me to take japanese lessons on Duolingo. I am aware that such app won’t help me with learning such a language, but at least I can tell you that katakana sucks. Gods, I hate it so much. Hiragana is so pleasurable to learn. And I know katakana is visually similar, but it is a no no from me. I have learnt some basic kanji signs. And I just admire you so much more.

I hope you will have wonderful and peaceful week, Babe! Once again, please take care of yourself. Remember to have proper rest, sleep at least 8 hours and drink water! I hope your leg will be better soon!

🔪

Hey Knifey! I finally have the right mind set to respond to this ask!

So first of all thank you. You always make me blush with your kind words and I have no idea how to react! I want to squeaze you in a hug and give you all the sweets in the world!

As for the rest. You see i have always worked to hard on studying, so hard it actually burned out everything inside so now all i want to do i nothing! But i cant, i really want to go back to spending my free time in more creative way!

Omg Knifey! Finally i met a museum lover! And gods i want to visit them all! And you know? That Icelandinc museum sounds like such a goal, i want to go there 🥺 and Seoul museum of teddy bears?! I want to go there!

Honestly I love all museums and generally history. I enjoy visiting ruins of castles and villages, going to museums of everything! Art, machines, objects! There are always so many things and so many different ways to find the inspiration! And I always take so many photos for 'future references'. Some time ago i was in a gardens which showed different time of gardens of the world and there was this amazing exhibition of demons from Slavic mithology. That was so awesome! As well as Japanese garden!

In began restaurant i have this fried soy bites in some sweet-spicy sauce. So tasty! Im trying to recreate this recipe but so far its 1:0 for the soy :/

As for my leg. Its swollen AF bht i just... Put on my shoe and pretended it didnt exist. I can walk in good shoes but still im worried. As for that little again... I generally have some weird health issues. I had 5 surgeries for different stuff (spine, tumor, nose) so like... Generally i am healthy... Or at least i was until thst damned foot decided to show off. Its been 4 weeks and im still looking for a solution, running different tests and all. Hopefully they will figure out whag is going on.

Yes TELL ME ALL THE STORIES ABOUT KOREA.! I love stories, tell me everything!

Tbh i never listen ed to k-pop. I guess its just nkt my type of music but I enjoy some Japanese and Chinese songs (one i like is Arrogant by Xiao Zhang). I know songs you sent me and gods they are amazing! I love sabaton, rock/metal im general but I listen to all kind of music. Like Italian soundtrack from Winx, music from burlesque, Dragonforce, shanties. If there are k-pop songs you like you can always send then to me! Ill gladly listen to them all!

Im glad you like those wombos i guess i should make more! 😂😂

And gods. Katakana. 4 years of learning Japanese and I still need katakana board to remember those signs! And tbh i feel like Japanese duolingo has some mistakes ;/ but for Japanese i used lingodeer app and it was nice!

Knifey Im very sorry you have troubles sleeping. Is there something you can do to make it easier for you? Maybe you can take some melatonin pills? Maybe you are stressed? Can you maybe contact doctor, maybe they can help? I dont want anything bad to happen to you! Please take care of yourself? Pretty please?

Love you so much Knifey, you are such a sunshine and I just want you to be happy and healthy!

[killscreencinema]

Final Fantasy VII Remake (PS4)

We all have a precious work of art in our lives that made a profound impact on who we eventually grew up to be, whether it be an album, a painting, a movie, or especially nowadays, a video game.  Final Fantasy VII was that for me, and when it came out in 1997, it would go on to define my high school years.

Which would go a long way towards explaining why I never got laid during those said years.  Le sigh....

All kidding aside, I never got laid in high school mostly because I was a mess when it came to the social scene.  I had trouble connecting with others and taking what I perceived to be “big risks” like going to parties, joining after school clubs, or -GULP- asking out a girl I liked!  I was very withdrawn socially, but I did have friends, and one of them, whom I’d consider my best friend, managed to get his hands on the original Final Fantasy VII before I even owned a PlayStation (I had foolishly bought a Nintendo 64, believing the next Final Fantasy was going to be released on that). 

My friend and I were already very close, but we bonded even more as we experienced this new adventure together.  He had his own save file that he was pecking away at, but he created a new one for us both to play whenever I’d spend the night or vice versa.  The both of us were completely immersed in this world and these characters.  It was one of a few positive experiences I can remember from my high school years.

The reason for this preamble is to make you understand how much this game means to me on an emotional level.  So when the remake was announced years ago, I was extremely apprehensive.  First of all, Square Enix is a pale shadow of its former glory as Squaresoft.  Final Fantasy XIII was a goddamn mess and Final Fantasy XV was a step in the right direction, but hardly the stuff of legends like its PSone and SNES predecessors.  The Kingdom Hearts games... well, I’ll eventually talk about the rest of those in my blog.  Suffice it to say, I had completely lost faith in Square Enix as a company, whereas there was a day I’d play ANYTHING they released because I knew it would be quality.

So lets get to point - did they fuck up Final Fantasy VII Remake as well or is it an absolute masterpiece? 

Well... that’s kind of a hard question to answer right now as this is only “Part 1″ of what I assume will be a trilogy of releases that comprise the actual FULL game.  However, judging this game alone, I’m going to lean towards masterpiece... with huge “but”.  I’ll talk more about that below and warn of spoilers before I get to it.

Make no mistake about it, though, Final Fantasy VII Remake (part 1) is a goddamn masterpiece.  The care put into the game by the development team is evident from top-to-bottom, with even the most minute details from the original faithfully adapted.  However, this isn’t a strict beat-for-beat retread of FFVII, nor did I expect it to be.  While the game follows the basic story almost exactly, some tweaks have been made here or there to better pad out both the gameplay and the story as a whole.  I had no issue with any of these changes, until the final chapter revealed the implications of them, which I guess I’ll discuss next to get it off my chest...

SPOILERS

During the last chapter, your party is confronted by Sephiroth outside of Midgar, who then goads you into entering the “Singularity”, where you finally fight the ghostly “Whispers” who have been stalking you throughout the whole game.  These Whispers are a significant part of the new story “tweaks” that have been added, which I found annoying at first, but didn’t really mind so much as the story went on until now, because it is revealed that they are “arbiters of destiny”, whose jobs are to ensure fate plays out like its supposed to.  During your fight with them at the end of the game, after defeating each Whisper boss, the characters experience “flash forwards” to important story points in the future, such as Aerith’s death and the summoning of meteor, implying that they have more or less nullified these events now as a result of defeating “destiny”... I think.  Part of my problem with this portion of the game is Square Enix’s current “naval gazey, head-up-their-asses” story telling style is in full effect here, and I began to get Vietnam flashbacks to the completely incoherent plot of Final Fantasy XIII. 

Square Enix, it’s so simple - part of why Final Fantasy VII endures is because it’s a great story ALREADY.  By all means, give it a tweak here and there to give the characters more depth or make the story more dramatically impactful, but for the love of Jenova, please don’t tell me it’s going to turn into a philosophical shit show about the nature of destiny and fighting fate.  More importantly, Square Enix, please don’t tell me you are going to change CRITICAL plot points for shits n’ giggles or to “swerve” the audience.

For one, Aerith has to die. I love Aerith, especially his incarnation of Aerith in the Remake.  She’s so sweet and yet has a delightfully mischievous personality.  She’s absolutely perfect.  But the reason why her death still haunts fans of the game to this day is because THAT was the point in the story when shit got REAL.  The stakes were raised and Sephiroth cements himself as an evil son-of-a-bitch that must be stopped.  He doesn’t kill her just to be evil either - he kills her because she’s actively trying to foil his plans by using her white materia.  However, unbeknownst to Sephiroth, her death is what ultimately triggers the white materia to work when it needs to most.  It’s kind of like how Obi-Wan Kenobit warns Darth Vader “If you strike me down, I’ll become more powerful than you an imagine”, but in this instance it actually makes sense.

So that has to happen.  It can’t be Tifa, or Yuffie, or Cid, or Marlene, or some other swervy “gotcha” bullshit - it has to be Aerith. 

Secondly, Sephiroth must successfully summon the meteor - it’s in the fucking logo for crying out loud!  I can’t imagine what “imminent threat” for the whole world they could do instead.  Fat Chocobo gains a massive amount of weight and jumps on Midgar?  It’s baffling to imagine the developers would even *flirt* with the idea of changing these important story elements of the game, so hopefully we’ve all just hysterically misinterpreted the meaning of the last chapter.

Oh, one more thing - the final boss fight with Sephiroth was dumb too, if only because it cheapens the eventual actual final boss fight with him at the end of the game.  I liked how in the original he was basically a phantom that kept evading your party, leaving behind Jenova pieces for you to fight instead.  It’s like how in wrestling, a heel character talks tough, but then runs away when the “baby face” comes out to confront him.  Fighting Sephiroth now, not to mention beating him, kind of makes him look weak sauce.  Ohh legendary SOLDIER, my ass - I beat him at the beginning of the whole story.  To borrow from Star Wars again, it would be like Luke fighting Darth Vader in A New Hope and kicking his ass immediately.  Vader sure wouldn’t seem like much of a threat after that.

Anyway..

SPOILERS OVER

God, sorry, this review is out of control and much too long, but I have a lot to say!

Okay, so my worries above aside, the game itself is very well done.  The graphics are beautiful, despite the environment being a constant barrage of grey, industrial imagery (hey, that’s Midgar for ya).  They find ways to change things up visually, depending on what part of Midgar you’re in, such as Sector 5 having more greenery than usual (cause, you know, it’s Aerith’s home, so that makes sense!).  Wall Market, the “red light district” of Midgar, is a treat for the senses, especially at night, what with all the lights and the music playing everywhere.  It really feels like a lively, party town. 

One major change that had me, and probably a lot of FFVII purists, concerned is the combat system.  Gone is the turn based combat of old, replaced now with a more fast paced hack-n-slash style reminiscent of a From Software game than Final Fantasy (though not even as remotely as sophisticated).  However, I enjoyed the change, as this makes the battles much more engaging and fun, as opposed to the tedium that can come with turn-based combat, not to mention random encounters.  You can still use magic, items, and Limit Breaks like in the old days, so it still feels like the original, but with tweaks that make it better.

And you know, that pretty much sums up my super long review nicely - the game feels like the original but with tweaks that make it better.  Even the soundtrack is improved, which is a feat I didn’t think possible considering the original FFVII’s soundtrack is some of the best video game movie ever composed.  The Remake does a superb job of weaving in certain themes and remixing themes at appropriate points in the story.  “Aerith’s Theme” is more tear jerking than ever, while “One Chosen by the Planet” (otherwise known as Sephiroth’s theme) is even more chilling and fearsome than ever before. 

So overall, I fucking loved this game.  I rarely get emotional while playing video games, unless you consider cursing and screaming “emotional”, but damned if this one didn’t constantly give me warm and fuzzy feelings (especially whenever Tifa was onscreen - *growl*).  I’m eager to play the next part and explore more of this “new” world, despite my concern it might be “too new” in the worst ways.

[cantdwellonanyofit]

I Don’t Think Enough Before I Say Too Much - Ch 5.

"Gene was once again a fool. Snafu had given so much during the war. Softened around the edges. Always trying to reach out and offer Gene comfort in his own confusing ways. Gene thought Snafu was patronizing him rather than loving him."

Dedication: To Stolperzunge, who always has a big beautiful brain that I adore :)

The French translations are in the notes at the below link, if you’re interested.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28770078/chapters/71480088

The rest of the house was identical to the rooms Gene had already seen. Barren, no sign of a loving life anywhere. Gene could visualize where pictures used to be hung. The empty spots now illuminated in contrast to the sunlight burned wallpaper around them. He wondered who’d removed the pictures, and if this was how Shelton learned to bury his emotions. To move on with his life when others never could’ve managed. Snafu just concealed it, and every reminder of it, until it never happened. Gene wished he possessed that skill. It would’ve been a relief to tuck every memory of the war away. Up on the highest shelf, so the memories could only be retrieved with a ladder. Gene lived his horrors every day. Like a cloak, they clung to his shoulders and left him feeling overheated.

“This is my room,” Snafu motioned for Gene to step inside the doorway. Gene had been carrying all his bags again. He carefully set them down in a corner of the room. He then turned and looked around. Greedily taking in every inch of his surroundings. Hoping for a sign of who Snafu had been before the war. He spotted a bookshelf, but the shelves mostly contained manuals or catalogs. How to fix cars, appliances, home improvement, the best cars, or guns. Gene grabbed a copy of, ‘Motor Repair and Overhauling,’ by ‘Newnes’ and flipped through it. Snafu came up beside him, eyes cast sideways. Watching Gene, trying to read him.

“Did-“ Gene hesitated, “Did you remove all the pictures, or did someone else?” Gene wasn’t sure whether he’d reached his quota on touchy subjects.

“What would I need ‘em for?” Snafu sounded confused. As if memories meant nothing. As if once someone was gone, they disappeared forever. As if it was just your duty to get rid of the final pieces of who someone had been, and what they’d meant to you. Gene pondered if he’d given Snafu a physical gift during the war if Snafu would’ve simply left that on the train too. Set it down neatly on Gene’s lap, so it would become Gene’s sole burden forever. Gene couldn’t help but feel maddened by Snafu’s ability to rid himself of sentimentality.

“You don’t care at all? It doesn’t bother you to be here? In all of this?” Gene could hear the tension in his voice as he gestured to the room. How could Snafu stand it? Gene’s mind was fracturing in his own home, and there was nothing but love surrounding him every day.

“Just because you think I should be wallowing in sadness doesn’t mean that’s how things gotta be. People are different, Gene.”

“It’s not normal.” Gene retorted.

“When the fuck ‘ave I ever been normal?” Snafu laughed, then sobered. “Why’s it so damn important to you that I can’t stand it here? Or that I can’t move on?” Snafu crossed his arms. Gene was stepping too far into territory he didn’t belong. Baiting the dog to bite him.

“If one morning I just disappeared and went back to Mobile, would you throw everything I left behind in the trash? Or would you follow me?” Gene mimed Snafu and crossed his arms as well. He could block himself off too, he thought.

“Why would’ya just leave and go back to Mobile? I wouldn’t follow you. Obviously, you didn’t want to be here in the first place then. Or with me. Chasin’ you wouldn’t fix that.” Snafu’s face contorted in confusion for the second time that day. Perhaps the fourth time since they’d reunited. As if Gene had asked Snafu if pigs could ever be a valid method of long-distance transportation.

“Jesus christ, Merriell.” Gene threw his hands up, “You’re fuckin’ insufferable sometimes.”

“Why are you pickin’ fights with me ‘cause there aren’t pictures on the wall? Or for some nonsense scenario where you leave to prove some kinda point?” Snafu grabbed Gene’s shoulders, forcing Gene to look into his eyes. “What’s your problem?”

“You’re my problem, Shelton. Do you have any feelings at all? Are you just fuckin’ empty in there?” Gene poked his finger at Snafu’s chest, then his head. Gene knew he was being an asshole. He was letting his insecurity get the best of him, and it was ugly. But he couldn’t stop. Snafu could walk right out of Gene’s life at any moment, and Gene would be inconsolable. Meanwhile, Snafu would just shrug, go to work, then return home for a nice dinner. “You’re just gonna leave me again when it suits you. When you feel like being done with this. And you’re never gonna look back, wonder if you fucked up, or what could’ve been. I don’t fuckin’ get you. I thought I did, but I don’t.” Gene’s voice was elevated beyond a necessary level. It felt as though the anger inside of him was overwhelming. Growing until it tore at his seams and split him open. He had so much of it, and no idea what to do with it now that the war was over. Snafu just stared blankly back at Gene, huffed a sigh, then started to walk out of the room. Gene grabbed his arm, “Don’t fucking walking away from me when I’m talking to you.”

Snafu whirled on his heels to face Gene again, easily removing his arm from Gene’s grip, “Do you just carry around the collar of that dog you lost? Hang it on your fuckin’ wall and cry about it every night? You do what you gotta do, Eugene. You grieve, and you fuckin’ move on. And no one can tell you if you’re doing it right or wrong because it’s yours to deal with. You, of all fuckin’ people, with your big fuckin’ brain, and all your feelings should get that.” Snafu was speaking so calmly it was almost unnerving. His eyes were intense. Emotionally resonating all the words he held close to his chest. Gene would’ve been afraid of Snafu if he’d been anyone else, or if Gene had still been his old self. If he hadn’t already lived with Snafu through their worst. Screamed at him in the middle of a war. Snafu had taken his fingers and tapped them on Gene’s forehead when he’d chastised him about his ‘big fuckin’ brain.’ Gene could still feel the ghost of his fingers. Maybe Gene was fucking crazy. For all Gene’s overthinking, he hadn’t really thought about it like that. All he thought about was the neon warning signs telling him Snafu was going to leave him if Gene put his guard down.

“I won’t make it without you. And you’re so good at leaving,” Gene lowered his tone, “I can’t fucking stand it.”

Snafu abruptly grabbed Gene’s jaw. Snafu’s thumb and index finger shaped a ‘V’ on his chin. The hold was firm, but not bruising. The rest of Snafu’s fingers splayed against Gene’s neck at his pulse. Gene wondered if Snafu could feel his heart thumping. Beating with the desperation to keep Snafu here with him as Gene continued to do nothing but push him away.

“Eugene Sledge, you’re the one that’s fuckin’ infuriatin’…” Snafu trailed off. His accent thickened as his anger possessed him. “Putain de merde, Eugene, sors-toi la tête du cul. I’m not fuckin’ goin’ anywhere. You gotta let that shit go, or you’re gonna drive us both insane.”

Gene jerked his chin out of Snafu’s grasp, “I don’t know what you said, but I have a strong feeling I should be pissed about it.” Gene gazed into Snafu’s eyes. The spark of anger was replaced by determination. Gene knew Snafu was, in his own confusing way, trying to get Gene to understand what he meant, how he felt. Gene just didn’t feel like giving up so easily. Waking up on the train and realizing Snafu was gone haunted him. He knew he wasn’t so different from Snafu. They both took something they loved and knifed it repeatedly to protect themselves. Gene just couldn’t agree to disagree. Not if it meant making it easier for Snafu to tuck away what he did, and potentially do it again. Gene didn’t just hold a grudge, he nurtured it.

Snafu grabbed Gene’s chin again and softly shook Gene’s head back and forth, “Gonna shake some fuckin’ sense into you. I like how feisty you are, but would prefer if ya’ just kept it in the sex, hein? I can’t predict the future, and neither can you. So please, can we get through one fuckin’ day without fightin’ about it? You think I took you home with me so I could just leave and give you the house? I fuckin’ live here, Eugene. Where am I gonna go? You thinkin’ I’ll just leave in the middle of the night? Go sleep at the bus station for the rest of my life to avoid you?”

Gene couldn’t help but laugh. “It wouldn’t surprise me, honestly,”

Snafu sent his eyes heavenward and held them there. Praying to a God he didn’t believe in to give him the strength not to throw Gene out the window, Gene assumed. “I’m just scared,” Gene added. “I can’t love you the way I want to. I can’t take you home. I can’t hold your hand in public. I have no idea what I’m doing. And moreover, I worry you’re going to get sick of this. Sick of me. What’s going to stop you when you’ve already done it once?”

“Well you certainly ain’t makin’ me want to put a ring on your finger actin’ like an asshole all the time,” Snafu released Gene’s jaw. “Trust me. I’m your partner, not your enemy. You keep seein’ me as the enemy, you’re gonna get us both killed. Let’s start over. Fuckin’ forget before and be here now.”

“I can’t fuckin’ do that like you can,” Gene didn’t know how to make Snafu understand. Gene couldn’t pretend the past didn’t exist.

“What good is torturing yourself about it? You’re just gonna make it come true. You’re gonna wish your fears into reality, Eugene.” Gene had to admit he was pretty good at that. He wished so badly to go to war. Thought it would make him a man. Thought it would make him feel powerful. Instead, it crushed any possibility of ever knowing himself. War didn’t make you a man, or powerful. It stripped everything from you until you had nothing left. Like his father said. If Gene really thought about it, he was angry at Snafu for being able to decide and then not dwell on it. Snafu had decided to go to war. Decided to leave Gene on the train. Decided to forego searching for him. And he just kept going. Every decision Gene made weighed heavy on his heart and mind.

“You’re right,” Gene finally said.

“I know I’m fuckin’ right. I’m always right. Now put your shit away and let’s knock this bullshit off.” Snafu gestured to the dresser as he spoke. “Make sure ya’ mix your clothes up really good with mine so I can’t pack before I leave you forever tonight.”

Gene laughed, “Fuck you, Shelton. Can you please just say you’re sorry?”

“You know I’m sorry, I don’t feel like this is gonna fix anything. It’s a wa—” Snafu glanced at Gene’s face, which must’ve mirrored Gene’s growing agitation.

Snafu sighed. “Alright, I’m sorry. But listen here. You listenin’ good?” Snafu paused until Gene nodded his head in confirmation. “I won’t keep sayin’ it, Eugene. People make mistakes. You can’t hold it like a gun to my head. S’not fair.”

Gene grabbed Snafu’s hand and pulled him forward until their lips met. Gene gently put his hands on either side of Snafu’s face. After several long moments, he released Snafu and stepped back to look at him.

“You still love me?” Gene asked.

“Less, but yeah,” Snafu said then laughed when Gene scoffed and dropped his hands from Snafu’s face. “I do, Eugene, I love you. Now please fuckin’ relax. Just for one evening. One hour. Twenty minutes.”

Gene lifted one shoulder in a shrug, then turned and got to work throwing his clothes in with Snafu’s. As he opened a drawer and categorized the clothing within, Gene threw his clothes in to match. Shirts, pants, shorts, and socks. It felt oddly domestic. He imagined him and Snafu doing this forever. Laundry, cooking, cleaning…Then Gene realized he didn’t know how to do any of those things. He wondered how much burden he could place on Snafu before he threw Gene and his clothes outside. He guessed he would find out.

“I don’t know how to cook,” Gene blurted out.

Snafu raised an eyebrow and tried to hide his smirk. “Well that’s the final straw then, get the fuck out’ma house.”

“I’m serious, Merriell. I’m not much good at any of this.” Gene threw the last of his clothes in the last drawer then closed it.

Snafu approached and grabbed Gene’s hands. “Listen to me, Hey,” Snafu shook Gene’s hands until he focused on him, “Ma boule d’angoisse, je m’en sacre. I don’t give a shit. I didn’t ask you here so you could take care of me. I’ve been doing that just fine on my own.”

Gene reached up and slid his fingers through Snafu’s curls. “Well, you just estimate how long it’ll be until you’re sick of taking care of me because I might die if you don’t.” Gene meant it as a joke, but he knew there was truth in it.

Snafu slid his eyes closed as Gene gently massaged his scalp, taking his time raking his fingers through each curl, “Eugene, ma ‘tite jolie fleur, je vais m’occuper de toi, je te protégerai et t’aimerais toujours.. Pour toujours et à jamais. Okay?”

“I guess?” Gene responded, laughing. “You could be telling me to go fuck myself for all I know.”

“Something like that,” Snafu responded. “You ever had Pompano en Papillote?”

“Is that a sexual term?” Gene raised an eyebrow. Snafu laughed harder than Gene had expected. It was infectious, and Gene found himself laughing as well.

“Fuckin’ christ, Gene, it’s a dinner. Fish, Shrimp…”

Gene shrugged, Mobile Alabama wasn’t exactly known for its seafood, so Gene’s experience with it was limited to vacations.

Snafu patted the side of Gene’s face, then turned and walked away. “Well, you’re gonna try it then. Gonna make you a nice dinner as a thank you for such an excellent welcome home blowjob.”

Gene laughed, “So that’s it then? It’s settled? You’ll take care of me and I’ll pay you in blowjobs?”

Snafu stopped, twisted his slender torso to look at Gene, “I told you ‘bout that big fuckin’ beautiful brain of yours. You’re a fuckin’ genius. That’s absolutely the arrangement from now’on, I’ll draft up a contract later. Now that I’m your boss, you can get used to calling me Mr. Shelton.”

Gene was shaking his head. He playfully pushed at Snafu until Snafu had no choice but to turn back around. “Get out,” Gene pushed him out the door. Gene was fascinated by how he and Snafu could go from loving each other and joking around, to fighting just as intensely. It didn’t seem as if they were capable of regular emotions. For better or worse.

Gene grabbed his papers and pen out of one of the shopping bags and took them with him downstairs. He set them on the desk that was positioned in the corner of the living room. He could hear Snafu in the kitchen getting pots and pans out of the cupboards. Gene lingered in the living room. Sat on the couch to see what it felt like. Fluffed the pillows. Continued to imagine a young Merriell living here. Tried to imagine Merriell sitting on the couch with his father. Listening to the radio like Gene did with his father. Tried to imagine what Snafu’s parents must’ve looked like. He couldn’t figure out why it was so important to envision Snafu with his family. Perhaps Gene wanted to believe he and Snafu had similar childhoods. They were such different people. It concerned Gene how, now that the war was over, he and Snafu would realize how different they were. How this was never going to work. Eventually, Gene eased up off the couch and made his way into the kitchen. Snafu had his hands submerged in a bowl. Gene moved until he was behind Snafu, then wrapped his arms around Snafu’s middle. Snafu was so neatly slender Gene speculated whether he could wrap his arms around him twice. Snafu hummed in appreciation, eased back into Gene’s embrace for a moment, then resumed swirling shrimp in the water.

“If you want to eat sometime today, you’re gonna have to let me go,” Snafu teased.

Gene groaned in protest then released Snafu, moving instead to press his palm to Snafu’s back. Gene momentarily rubbed slow circles, then backed off. “I’m happy to be here with you. Even though, I’m doing a really terrible job at showing it.”

A smirk played at Snafu’s lips, “We started off great. We just gotta keep to that and we’ll be fine.” Snafu was ripping the tails off the shrimp as he talked, throwing the shells into a metal container.  

“I’d prefer it if we could get along even when we’re not having sex,” Gene’s mouth was a thin line, expressing his judgement and displeasure through his pursed lips. His ‘go to’ face when he didn’t much like what was going on.

Snafu laughed at him, “Calme-toi, ma boule d’angiosse. I’m just jokin’. We’ll be alright, don’t worry your pretty head.”

“What does that mean? Pool.. duh….” Gene tried to sound out what he’d heard but gave up. Snafu didn’t immediately answer, and instead decided to smirk awfully at him. So, Gene tried to grab for some shrimp to help with dinner. Snafu slapped his hand away. Gene immediately nursed his hand. Feigned shock. Earning another beautiful laugh out of Snafu. Gene had seen Snafu’s smile and heard his laugh during the war. Gene fondly recalled De L’eau’s ‘incident’ and smiled to himself at the memory. However, this was different. Snafu openly laughing for him felt like a secret. This was Snafu with his barricades down in his own home. Smiling and laughing just for Gene. He’d treasure it. The way Snafu opened his mouth to let his boisterous laugh erupt from his chest. Or when Snafu’s teeth remained at rest on his bottom lip as he chuckled. Gene hoarded every moment. Every feature.

“What the hell are ya’ laughin’ at now?” Snafu smiled at Gene as he dumped the water out of the bowl, holding the shrimp in place over the sink. Gene was momentarily mesmerized by Snafu’s hands. How he could fit his thick fingers neatly over the pile of shrimp. “Hello?” Snafu added. Gene, surprised, glanced up. He hadn’t realized he zoned out.

“De L’eau,” Gene answered. “Was thinking about Bloody Nose Ridge,” Gene smiled.

Snafu laughed in response. Gene was in love. He was so desperately in love. “Tell me what you said in French earlier. Don’t distract me.”

“You’re distractin’ yourself, I ain’t got nothin’ to do with it. Calme-toi is easy, it means calm down. Ma boule d’angoisse….” Snafu hesitated. Gene pursed his lips as he assumed the phrase meant something crude. “Worrywart,” Snafu finished. “Literally, it would mean ball of anguish,” Snafu glanced over at Gene.

“Do you think ill of me?” Gene finally asked.

“No, baby.” Snafu answered. It was so intimate Gene instantly looked away and blushed. “You like that, don’t’ya?” Snafu was grinning again. “You really like that, huh?”

“I don’t know,” Gene answered honestly. “It makes me feel like a child, but also there’s something about it. Can’t put my finger on it.”

“I know what it is, but I’ll wait for you to figure it out.” Snafu had moved on to chopping onions. He used his arm to wipe his eyes briefly before he continued cutting.

“Tell me,” Gene said. He was interested in Snafu’s thoughts on it. Especially since Gene felt too conflicted to pull the meaning out for himself.

“You’ve been pissed off at me enough the last two days.” Snafu said.

Gene tilted his head, “Out with it. I won’t get mad.”

“Famous last words, but alright. You like being babied. Maybe pampered is a better word.”

Gene scoffed immediately, and Snafu raised his eyes to look at Gene’s face. Paused his cutting, “Said you wouldn’t get mad. S’your own fault now. You don’t even know it, but you like it. Just let it be. Is what it is. No shame in it. I like pampering you.”

Gene’s brow furrowed. He thought about it. He liked it when Snafu watched over him. Protected him. But Gene would do the same for Snafu. Did Snafu like being called baby? Being pampered? Gene couldn’t imagine Snafu would know how to receive praise or pampering. Perhaps this was yet another difference between them. Gene was a pampered, privileged, and silver spoon-fed child. And Snafu was a hardened and self-made disadvantaged man. How were they ever going to make this work long-term?

“I can see your brain working. You know we ain’t gotta be the same person to love each other?” Snafu was placing fish filets in aluminum foil as he spoke. “That’s what makes it fun, you know? We can teach each other.” It was so sentimental Gene didn’t have a response. Snafu wouldn’t look at him, changed the subject abruptly. “My grandmother used to make this all the time.” Gene still didn’t have a response. He was so pleased to hear something about pre-war Snafu he just nodded. “I’d help. ‘Cause I was always getting’ in the middle of stuff. I had to be involved in everything. Imagine that, hein? Me bein’ a little busybody? Unheard of.” Gene was so afraid he’d ruin the moment. Afraid if he breathed too loudly, Snafu would stop talking. So, he held his breath. Praying for Snafu to keep going.

“So anyway,” Snafu threw an astronomical amount of butter in a saucepan, tossed in the onions, tested the milk’s smell before adding it, and, Jesus Christ, so much Cayenne pepper. Gene wanted to protest. He knew the spiciest food he ever tried was gumbo. Which he’d only had the chance to eat when his family ventured to the Gulf Shores during the summer. He didn’t want to shatter the moment, so he kept his lips sealed.  

“So, I’d help, and my grandmother would instruct me. I liked the distraction. You gotta be really focused when you cook. Can’t be lettin’ your mind run away from you. So, I learned to enjoy it as a distraction. S’nice.” Snafu finished. Gene was so pleased he could cry. Snafu enjoyed cooking, and Gene had no idea. Gene had no clue who this man really was. Any piece of information was fuel for Gene to piece together the puzzle that was Snafu. Gene nodded again. Refused to tarnish this moment with words. “You keep holdin’ your breath like that you’gonna pass out.” Snafu added.

Gene let out a whoosh of a breath and smiled. “Sorry--,” He couldn’t think of how to explain what this moment felt like. So, he just remained quiet. Snafu threw all the ingredients together in the aluminum foil, covered it, and threw it in the oven.

As soon as the oven door was closed, he grabbed Gene by the hips and backed him up until he was flush against the white cabinets. Snafu kissed Gene briefly, then wrapped his arms around him. Swinging Gene gently from side-to-side. Gene smiled against Snafu’s neck.

This was why he came all the way from Alabama. This right here. Snafu had given Gene just a little taste of who he’d been. Gene could tell it made Snafu uncomfortable as he was doing it. Shoulders stiff, avoiding eye contact. But he did it for Gene. He’d said they could be different and make it work. Gene’s heart grabbed onto that concept and hugged it tenderly. Gene was once again a fool. Snafu had given so much during the war. Softened around the edges. Always trying to reach out and offer Gene comfort in his own confusing ways. Gene thought Snafu was patronizing him rather than loving him. Snafu’s affection was so different from Gene’s own. Where Gene could speak for hours about how he felt and what he wanted, Snafu could listen carefully. Holding his intense gaze on you and making a silent promise to be right there with you. Snafu could surrender to tenderness by sliding up next to you and forcing words out of his mouth he otherwise would never say. Just for you. Only for you.

Gene again raked his fingers through Snafu’s curls. Gene’s eyes poured over Snafu’s features. The widened space between his eyebrows, his sharp sunken eyes, wider nose, the way his ears jutted forward accentuating his thin cheekbones, the curve to his jaw, his plump upper lip, the gentle dip in his chin. Gene loved him. Gene loved him so much he felt high. Gene started over again from Snafu’s curls down to his chin. His eyes eagerly documenting each detail. Snafu seemed to be doing the same to Gene. Then Snafu brusquely kissed him and left to check on the food.

“It can’t be done already?” Gene inquired.

Snafu smiled, “Only takes ten minutes.”

“We did not just stare at each other for ten minutes.” Gene hastily responded. To which, Snafu laughed at him. Intoxicating.

“Close, maybe eight.” Snafu said. Gene shook his head. They were both deranged.

Shortly thereafter, the food was finished. Gene pestered Snafu, asking him where all the cutlery, cups, and plates were so he could set the table. He could at least manage that much. Cups there, knives, forks, and spoons there. He was an honest to goodness housewife. Gene laughed to himself. Snafu eyed him from the kitchen. Gene brought the plates over to Snafu one by one then set them on the table after Snafu deposited food on them. Gene stood awkwardly, not sure what to next. Snafu entered the room and pulled out Gene’s chair for him. Gene bowed purposefully low, then sat.

“Just wanted a good look at your ass before dinner,” Snafu added, ensuring any romanticism died. Gene rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. He hesitated, preparing his taste buds for the first bite. Gene wondered if he’d blow steam out his mouth and ears.

“S’matter?” Snafu asked. He’d already started eating. Gene didn’t want Snafu to think he didn’t appreciate the meal, so he immediately took a bite.

It was good. It was so good. “Fuck,” Gene said, hand positioned in front of his mouth to cover it from view. “Jesus Christ.” Gene continued his slew of profanity. Snafu stared at him with a bemused expression.

“You have the same reaction to my cooking as our sex. I’ll take that as a high compliment.” Snafu said.

Gene laughed after he finished swallowing his bite. “Shit, Merriell, you’re a real chef.”

At the compliment, Snafu averted his gaze. But he held a private smile. Gene was unused to seeing Snafu as bashful. Gene intensely wanted to repeat it all the time as a result. Gene’s grin grew on his face, he had an idea. “So good, baby,” he said. Snafu’s blush was immediate. He tried to hide it by turning his head, but even against Snafu’s summer darkened complexion the reddened hue was unmistakable. Gene was thrilled. “Oh shit?” Gene said, proud of his accomplishment.

“Shut the fuck up,” Snafu immediately answered. The hue spread across Snafu’s face. Gene’s grin grew impossibly bigger.

“Baby….” Gene reached out and rubbed the back of his hand against Snafu’s cheek. Snafu tilted his head as if the touch burned him, smacking at Gene’s hand.

“Fuck off, I said,” Snafu tried to sound intimidating, but Gene’s smile was so wide his eyes were nearly closed. He took a triumphant bite of his food. Gene wasn’t going to let this go for nothing. He privately stored it away for later use. They resumed their usual silence as they ate. Settling into their rhythm. It was only evening two and they had a system. Snafu was right, they could teach each other quite easily. Gene felt hope. It was so rare for him. He cradled it. Feeling unashamed of his innocence for the first time in a while. Maybe, if he was dedicated, Gene could learn how to love himself as he simultaneously learned how to love Merriell. He adjusted his foot under the table until it rested against Snafu’s. Gene let the intimacy he felt for Snafu fill him. Turning it inward. This could work, he thought. This could be beautiful.

They finished dinner, and Gene stacked the plates and cutlery then took them into the kitchen. He set them in the sink, and immediately started cleaning up. Snafu passed by him several times as he grabbed cookware and set it on the counter beside the sink. Every time he passed, he kissed Gene on the cheek. Once the final item was set down, Snafu stood beside Gene. Leaning until Snafu was continuously kissing Gene’s cheek. Gene laughed and tried to shrug him off since both of his hands were in soapy water. Snafu continued kissing Gene’s cheek, ignoring him, then brought his hands up to Gene’s side and quickly used his fingertips to grip and tickle him. Gene shrieked, “Knock it off, you’re gonna make me break everything.” He squeaked out, shifting his hips away until he was leaning to keep his hands in the water. Snafu chuckled and kept tickling him. Gene was mewling, his knees buckled. “Please!” He all but screeched out.

Snafu laughed and kissed the junction between Gene’s neck and shoulder. Gene turned around, took his soapy wet hands, wiped them across Snafu’s shirt, kissed him, then returned to the dishes.

Snafu moved his tongue to the inside of his cheek. Then, nodded his head. Apparently agreeing to act on a decision he’d made mentally, he quickly dunked his hand in the water and smeared it across Gene’s face in one movement. “You…--” Gene glared as soap clung to the tip of his nose.

“You started it, mon chouchou. Don’t start what you can’t finish.” Snafu smacked Gene’s ass and left the room. Snafu went to the radio and turned it on, Blues promptly rang out through the house. Gene finished up the dishes, dried his face on the dish towel, then snapped the towel against Snafu’s ass and handed it to him.

“No idea what you do with laundry.” Snafu threw it on the floor. “Merriell!” Gene was laughing as he snatched it back up off the floor and handed it back to Snafu. Snafu laughed, disappeared briefly back into the kitchen. He returned towel-less, so Gene assumed the laundry must be built off the kitchen. He looked at Snafu expectantly, “So, where’s the laundry room?”

“It’s called the kitchen, and there’s a laundry sink in there. Dolly tub is in the pantry. You just hand wash it. We ain’t fancy ‘round here.” Snafu answered.

Gene felt embarrassed. He didn’t even fathom that possibility. His privilege seeped out in ways he’d never even considered. “Got it, sorry…darlin’.” Gene added the term of endearment, trying it out on his tongue.

It earned him a smile from Snafu. “S’okay. Don’t sweat it. I’m gonna have to quit my job so I can teach you a thing or two.” Gene also hadn’t even considered that Snafu was going to have to work. Not just to support himself, but to support Gene too. He felt like such a burden. He needed to get his shit together, and soon. Snafu must’ve noticed Gene’s smile dropped. “Don’t-- ah fuck, don’t overthink it. It was a joke. Stop right now,” Snafu gently tapped on Gene’s forehead, “You in there, hello, stop it.”

Gene laughed despite himself as Snafu continued tapping. He grabbed Snafu’s finger and held it.

“I need to get a job,” he said, matter of fact. “Or something.” Gene reasoned.

“First let’s just worry about not setting the house, or yourself, on fire while I’m gone. Don’t worry about it. I-“ Snafu stopped.

“What?” Gene immediately pressed him.

Snafu continued to stare blankly at him.

“What?” Gene insisted.

“I can get money. If we need. I got.. stuff tucked away.” Gene stared at Snafu, confused, then it hit him. Jap gold. Gene didn’t know whether he'd prefer Snafu make a profit off them, or continue to keep them as souvenirs. Both felt horrible. Wrong. Dehumanizing. Gene wanted to argue with Snafu about it, but the damage had already been done. From the moment Sledge watched Snafu cut the teeth out of the Jap’s mouth, it had been done. There was no use arguing now.

“Absolutely not. No. Never.” Gene said, sternly.

Snafu put his hands up in surrender, “I’m just telling you.”

“I wish you hadn’t.” Gene abruptly ended the conversation by walking towards the stairs.

Snafu shut the radio off, and quickly followed Gene. “Gene, hey, hey!” He grabbed Gene and manhandled him until he was staring at Snafu on the stairs. “You knew I had it. What did you expect?”

Gene didn’t know. Snafu was so gentle with him. So caring. He hated the mirage being washed away by those damn teeth. It was true, Gene already knew Snafu had done unspeakable things during the war. Snafu only had himself to blame for Gene even being mortified about it. Gene had been moments away from doing the exact same thing. He calmed down as he thought through his position on the topic. “I can’t believe the things we did.” Gene finished in a whisper.

“It’s done now. We’ll never be those people again.” Gene again wished he could throw away memories and feelings like Snafu could. Gene would always be the person he had been during the war. It was a part of him now. The only solace was Snafu had kept Gene from becoming unsavable. Unrepairable.

“Thank you.” Gene said. Snafu looked confused. “For saving me.” He finished.

Then Gene continued up the steps. Snafu stayed standing on the stairs, even as Gene went into Snafu’s room and grabbed his toothbrush and toothpaste. Gene wandered the hallway until he found the bathroom and ducked in. Snafu eventually joined him, and they washed up in silence. Both stripping out of most of their clothes. After Snafu finished brushing his teeth, he gently kissed Gene’s cheek again. So intimate.

Gene was again struck by the man he had known in Japan versus the man he grew to know in Peking. The man he was getting to know here in Louisiana. Gene needed to learn to let go of the war. Let go of Snafu, and remember it was Merriell Shelton he lived with. Snafu was a man who Shelton wished to bury. For Gene’s sake. So, for Merriell’s sake, Gene would to let Snafu die. Merriell had been right, it wasn’t fair for Gene to continue torturing Shelton for who he had been during the most awful time in his life. Gene imagined how he'd feel if Merriell did that to him. If he reminded Gene of every time Gene lost his temper at a boot. Lost his temper with Shelton. Gene remembered taking out his pistol, taking aim, and shooting Japs. Gene had screamed at Mac afterwards. Pissed that Mac had any semblance of decency to want to save the Japs from being shot by a minor weapon, and suffering through death.

Gene tried to imagine being dragged through that every day by Merriell, who was supposed to love him. Gene was so filled with remorse; he’d hurried into the bedroom where Shelton was and hugged him. This time, Merriell instantly responded. Hugging Gene tightly to him.

“I’m sorry, Merriell. I’ve been a real bitch,” Gene rubbed his hands along Shelton’s back.

A laugh burst out of Shelton at Gene’s words. Merriell gently grabbed the back of Gene’s head and held him, rocking him. “S’okay, mon p’tit loup,” Shelton responded.

“What?” Gene asked, after stifling a yawn. He had no idea what time it was, but it had been dark for quite a while.

Snafu chuckled, “Loup is wolf. P’tit loup, lil’ wolf.”

Gene smiled, “That’s cute. I like that. I love you,” he kissed Merriell. “I’m going to work on being better. I promise. How do you say I promise in French?”

“I love you too. Je promets is I promise.”

Gene tried to repeat it, but it sounded wrong in his mouth. More like “Jay pro-may” rather than how Shelton had said it. Shelton laughed at him and repeated the phrase more slowly for Gene.

“I can’t make that sound with my throat,” Gene insisted.

“You can make all kinds’a other sounds with that lovely throat of yours. I’m not too bothered if you can’t make that one.” Snafu continued smiling.

Gene rolled his eyes and stifled another more intense yawn. Merriell moved Gene until they were lying down. Gene was exhausted after all the traveling and excitement of the past couple days. Once they were both on their backs under the sheets, Gene threw a leg over Shelton and settled against his side. Shelton put his arm around Gene and kissed his forehead. Strained his neck and planted another kiss on the bridge of Gene’s nose. Then gently rubbed his finger along the bridge of Gene’s nose until Gene’s eyes drooped closed. Until the last thing Gene remembered was Shelton whispering, “Je t’aime.”

[slashertalks]

I think the most enjoyable thing to me about film review is how fluid it is. Not only is the medium, by nature, ever-changing, but with personal experience comes a shift in opinion that can change perspectives so much it requires a completely new piece. Though this work is not coming out of so drastic a change, it is coming out of a desire to rectify something put forward in my previous SAW review. Similarly, it is a statement of something core to my beliefs with all my reviews: that “bad” films are not always truly bad. Often, they’re quite enjoyable.

Now, I should put forward my frame of reference for this, in the form of two facts. The first: my current hyperfixation is SAW. The second: the only two SAW films I’ve seen are the original, and SAW 3D. Do with this information what you will, but I think it’s important to acknowledge that what I’m writing comes from a place of intense personal passion, and simultaneously intense disinterest. See, when I say SAW, I mean specifically Doctor Lawrence Gordon and Adam Faulkner-Stanheight. To a lesser extent, I am also fixated on the production, but that’s relatively common for me. The technical, visual aspects of a film are often just as important to my enjoyment of it as anything else— I’m more inclined to enjoy a film with physical effects and mechanics, both of which SAW has plenty.

This piece is serving as both an expansion on my original short blurb on SAW, and an acknowledgement that SAW 3D is not, as I put it, the horror equivalent of “a daytime soap opera.” It is, quite simply, a fun movie.

Do I have any background in any of the characters beyond Dr. Gordon himself? Not in the slightest— I’m coming into this movie with no expectations for how Hoffman or Jill Tuck should behave. This is, perhaps, a flaw of my own attention span. I tend to jump about through franchises: for years, I’d only seen the first and third Friday the 13th movies. I still haven’t seen the second or sixth Nightmare on Elm Street. My viewing history is filled with maybe somedays, films I’m certain I’d enjoy, most often part of franchises I know I like, but I just don’t have the motivation to sit down and watch them. Saw 2-6 and Jigsaw are part of this category.

What does that make SAW 3D, then? Lacking background in characters beyond Lawrence, whose appearance is unfortunately limited, what do I get from what was supposed to be the close of the franchise?

Not much, quite honestly.

SAW 3D is not a film rich in much. Beyond a trap made of an entire building which feels a little too poetic for Hoffman to have made (judging, again, by my admittedly-limited knowledge of the character), and an enjoyably gruesome trap made for a group of neo-nazis (I SQUIRMED watching this one!!!! SQUIRMED!!!! I can’t remember the last time I had to look away from a movie!!!!!! Even on a second viewing, I had to close my eyes at this part! Can you tell how exciting that is?), SAW 3D feels rather slapped together. I’ve heard as well that the director had no desire to actually direct the film, which makes things difficult.

What does a film do when saddled with an unwilling director? Its best, of course, and SAW 3D is still a valiant enough effort. Is it a masterpiece? Not by any stretch of the word, but it’s fun. This here is why horror is one of my favorite genres! SAW is a masterpiece of modern horror, a reflection of the magic of A Texas Chain Saw Massacre! A rarity! A gem! I couldn’t be more enthusiastic about this film. SAW even surpasses Texas Chain Saw in one area: the actors, director, and staff had fun making this movie! I will always sing praise for Texas Chain Saw; it is the film I consider the penultimate horror movie, unsurpassable in its legacy. It captured a sort of magic in how gut-wrenchingly horrific it is with such minimal blood: it’s all psychological.

As previously said, I feel that SAW captures that same magic. The film has minimal gore, a byproduct of its limited budget, but is remembered as much more brutal than it actually is— it became the springboard for a franchise absolutely drenched in disgusting moments. SAW 3D’s neo-nazi trap is chief among them, for me (that back glue? good GOD man....). Yet, where the cast of Texas Chain Saw have many painful, sweaty, exhausting moments to remember (the actor who played Nubbins was a veteran and has stated that his time working on Texas Chain Saw was worse than his time as a soldier), the cast of the original SAW had a blast, proven by an audio commentary filled with James Wan, Leigh Whannell, and Cary Elwes all poking fun at each other (and a ridiculously goofy Marlon Brando impersonation from Mr. Elwes — I genuinely can’t recommend the commentary enough).

Even separated completely from my personal passion for the film, it’s an amazing feat for me to sit here and say to you all that a film has, in one instance, surpassed for me my pinnacle of horror. How often does that happen? 

Yet, I still haven’t completed my thoughts on SAW 3D. Circling back, I have to laugh. I’ve unintentionally mirrored my own Texas Chain Saw viewing pattern with my SAW viewings: for quite a long time, I’d only seen Texas Chain Saw and TCM: The Next Generation. If you’ve been here long enough, you’ve seen me mention TNG time and time again. To recap, for those of you who may be seeing my writing for the first time: it’s a genuinely HORRIBLE film. It is, however, a favorite of mine— enough so that I own it on DVD, now. TNG is a purposefully bad film, created with the intent of antagonizing the viewer and calling to attention our pattern of complacent viewership. In my original piece on TNG, I state that “my problem with modern horror is that it’s loud, the violence is gratuitous and charmless ... because supposedly that’s what a Modern Viewer [sic] wants. TCM4 takes these things, grinds your nose into them, and says ‘fuck you, you want this? here'” (source).  Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation defies the conventions of modern horror in a deeply obnoxious, yet thought-provoking way. SAW 3D... does not.

SAW 3D’s greatest problem is, perhaps, that it’s exactly what audiences demand. Though I must admit the 3D is tasteful, and I’m grateful for that, the fact remains that the movie lacks innovation. While it doesn’t necessarily need to innovate as the close of a franchise, I ultimately think it’s ridiculous to have tried to close the franchise at all. As much as I hate the trend of reboots and remakes in the modern market, particularly modern horror, I must acknowledge that studios will milk a popular franchise for all that it’s worth, and sometimes more (I’m looking at you, SyFy Pumpkinhead sequels).

SAW 3D is the victim of an unfortunate situation. An over-saturation of SAW films in the market meant waning popularity, coupled with a fanbase still dedicated enough to want a finale, and a director lacking interest in the project (we all get tired of things, no matter how passionate we may be in the beginning— I hardly blame anyone for being tired of the franchise after the way they churned those films out). This isn’t to imply any of the films are bad, especially since I haven’t seen them! There is, however, an undeniable pattern to horror films which has persisted since the 70s and 80s: horror franchises tank after 3-5 films. Some are lucky, some less so, but the range of 3-5 films seems to be the golden one for horror. For a movie franchise, seven films is comfortably beyond that, and SAW 3D is misleadingly the seventh film.

For as much as I’ll happily sit down and watch it, SAW 3D puts nothing forward and asks nothing in return. A franchise that started with such a dramatic bang went out with a fizzle (or would have, if not for Jigsaw and the upcoming Spiral). It’s enjoyable to see the reverse bear trap used. It’s enjoyable to see Lawrence again, and to watch Hoffman lay on the ground and get poked (quoth the reviewer: get his ass, Larry). It’s... fun, but it’s cheap fun. It’s fast food horror. I’m happy to have it once in a while, but the late 2000s to 2010s were oversaturated with similar films. I want more from a movie meant to close out something as dramatically influential as SAW, something so enrapturing! Something which I can confidently say exceeds Texas Chain Saw Massacre in one important area! Damn it, the SAW franchise deserved better than this!

Maybe it’ll get it, with the Spiral reboot coming out. Maybe it won’t, who knows? I’m interested to see how Spiral plays out, and I have surprisingly high hopes. Between that and the Candyman remake, there are a lot of  “re-” horror films I’m genuinely looking forward to. I haven’t felt this way about a horror re-anything since Evil Dead in 2013, and I’m feeling cautiously optimistic. We’ll see what the future holds — hopefully something that’ll be handled better than the original franchise was, though I don’t think Hollywood will ever learn to distinguish a dead horse from a live one. They’ll just keep beating and beating every horse in the stable. Perhaps I’m really a pessimist about all this, but again: personal experience. I’ll keep my cautious optimism up, and keep an eye out. I’m planning on watching Dying Breed and Cooties soon (two films with Leigh Whannell in them), so expect at least a short blurb on those two, and who knows? Maybe you’ll see something big about Spiral in the future. After all, if even a fizzle like SAW 3D can make me squirm even now, I think there’s a lot of hope to be had.

[basiclee-t]

Well, @riannetheanimator since it probably won’t fit, and I wanted to add some visual aid, I’ll put my response here! So here are my characters and a bit about the world!

These guys basically reside in different planes, all tied to The Surface, which is basically earth. These planes have different gods and goddesses, and almost all of my characters are emissaries to these gods and goddesses. It kinda looks like the dnd planes to put it generally!

The center point of these planes is called the Nexus, where a lot of emissaries come to chill peacefully.

But now, onto the characters!

Endie: My son. He’s a soul reaper, the emissary for the goddess of death. Btdubs he’s a vampire. He chills in the Planar Nexus a ton, loves to interact with mortals, and adores his boyfriend Brine. No matter the situation, he always finds himself being teased by everyone he knows, and that hits his ego hard. On the surface, he’s a super suave, scythe-spinning, silver-tongued badass who’ll cut you down, but as soon as someone else even wiggles fingers in his direction he is OUT. I uploaded a chart for how ticklish he is, and it holds true. He’s a ball of nerves. Brine found out first, but knismesis absolutely destROYS him. (He loves it though, and everyone knows it but he’ll be damned if he has to say it) fun fact: one of my first dnd characters, and I played him as a warlock to the Raven Queen if that means anything to anyone, which is why you can see he had a raven’s skull as a pin on some old art!

Noelle: I know I named her Noelle, but I think from now on I’ll call her Elle. (A lot of these are in the works :,D) So Elle: she’s ACTUALLY a super cool badass who could beat you up, but she won’t. She’s big and strong because she’s a protector and a healer, an emissary to the goddess of life. Her wings are made of light and can appear and disappear as she pleases. Her, her brother Tyler, and Endie are part of the “god gang” which is just what they call themselves. She is a big ler, and is one of the main offenders when it comes to tickling. She also loves to help anyone pin someone else if they aren’t strong enough. While mainly a ler, there are three people who can tickle her and get away with it. Doctor Alphonse, because Elle has a soft spot for her, Tyler, because he’s her brother and knows exaaaaactly where to get her so she can’t fight back, and Hoax because he’s a teasy shit and loves breaking her stoic/condescending resolve (he “cheats” and uses magic to pin her so she can’t hit him).

Tyler: oooh another baby! He’s the emissary to the god of time, and he’s quite the tinker. He often works together with the Doctor to create different machines for many different purposes. He’s...not ticklish! I know, say it ain’t so! Well...it ain’t so, he’s just not ‘very’ ticklish. Get him in the right spots though and he’s done for. His hips, knees, and thighs will make him cackle, and his ears are good for quick giggles. He’s a tickle monster though, but one you wouldn’t expect until it was too late. See, he’s a big brother, so he’s got the whole condescending teasing down pat. He and Endie have their fair share of “disputes” which usually end with one of them rubbing away phantom tickles and the other triumphantly looming over him. Usually it’s Tyler as the latter.

Doctor Amelia Alphonse: a very cute bean! She is an emissary to the god of knowledge and craftsmanship. If the name didn’t tell you, she’s French! Or at least she was in her past life. She usually resides in her plane, working on some new big revelation. It’s rare to catch her out of her lab on her own accord...which is why she gets forced out quite often. Her and Elle are very close, and she’s usually the one to force her into the sunlight. Amelia also works with Tyler on big projects where she may need help. Her biggest pride is her learning AI, Alt. She also helped Tyler with his prosthetic arm. She’s a cutie, but not as innocent as she may seem. Rather than purely scientific work, she dabbles in eldritch magic to enhance and advance her creations. She often forgets the safety of others, or herself, when experimenting something new, which has led to some problems. She’s getting better though. At least now she yells “clear!” Before mixing a new concoction. She’s very ticklish and not very strong, which is why it’s so easy to get her out of the lab...unless she uses her eldritch magic, which she often calls upon to materialize as light tentacles, much like Elle’s wings. If this happens, run. It is way harder to move her and easier to find yourself at her mercy. She is also the epitome of the “I’m doing this for science!” Trope

Brine: cutie number 5! Endie’s loving boyfriend and emissary to the goddess of sight and second chances. He can use foresight to see a variety of futures, and the outcomes of each action. You’d think this would make him a very calculated individual, but he doesn’t like to dwell on it. He’s very cheery and he loves studying mortals on the Surface. He doesn’t know a lot about their culture, but he loves to learn it, and to educate the other emissaries on it. At first glance he’s not very built or muscular, but then you realize that under those layers of clothes he’s almost immovable. His wings are feathered but can appear and disappear too. He preens a lot to keep them looking nice, and it works out because he loves to use the excess feathers on Endie. He’s pretty ticklish himself, and Endie likes to tease him in order to instigate revenge. Brine almost always obliges, but sometimes if he’s feeling extra devious, he’ll make him ask for it. It kills Endie. If Endie is bored and Brine isn’t putting 100% of his attention toward him, Brine can almost always expect teases to get his attention. He doesn’t mind it much either, and he loves hearing Endie laugh.

Hoax: a bastard, but also my son. This man is a teasy shit and literally LIVES for it. He’s the emissary to the god of trickery and illusion, and he doesn’t let anyone forget it. He’ll often place bets with Elle to see who can wreck the most people, but she always loses because he always gets to the one person who she could never...herself. It’s an effort in futility, but she’s very competitive...which is what she tells people when ask why she keeps doing it. He can make several hands appear to do his bidding, which is just plain evil, especially to Endie, his twin brother and main target. He appears out of nowhere to wreck someone, and loves teasing them while doing it. His favorite thing in the world is finally breaking the dam of laughter when the lee has been trying so hard not to laugh. He’s also ticklish, but hey, good luck pal. No one has ever launched a successful attack on him...no one.

So yeah! Here’s my master list and my askbox is always open if anyone wants to know more!