#I know it’s a lot

[maladaptivedaydr3amer]

Any specific Barty headcanons (my disposable bug-eyed son)??

YOU DO KNOW HOW LONG IVE BEEN WAITING SOMEONE TO ASK ME THIS!!

(I’ve recently just written all of my Barty Crouch Jr headcanons in my notes app; I will warn you there is a lot)

Barty Crouch Jr headcanons.

- (1)Insanely smart

- (2)Really messy blonde hair(you just can’t tame it, and it pisses off Barty Sr. So much)

- (3)He has a mouth like a sailor(meaning he’s always swearing; gets it from his mom)

- (4)Very skinny because one of his dads many punishments is not giving him food

- (5)A mommy’s boy because his mom was always there(but he kind of also has mommy issues, idk it’s just really complicated)

- (6)type of kid that was never able to leave the house(for real the reason why he is so pale)

- (7)hates alcohol, weed and cigarettes with a burning passion

- (8)insomniac(he stays up way to late studying half the time)

- (9)A Ravenclaw

- (10)his bestfriend is Pandora; they both complete opposites because barty is very uptight and pandora is very care-free

- (11)His biggest free is too be like his father

- (12)had a stutter when he was younger(like 11-13)

- (13)He didn’t have any friends in first year and up until the middle of second year when Pandora was like your my friend now

- (14)favorite class is history of magic and charms

- (15)very fascinated with Evan when he first met him

- (16)he’s very opinionated, and does not like to be wrong

- (17)Photographic memory, if he sees something it is glued to his memory

- (18)So very many freckles, like too many

- (19)He comes off very confident and sure of himself, but not gonna lie he’s actually really insecure.

- (20)He actually did pull out a good chunk of his hair when he was studying for his owls

- (21)A prefect in his fifth and sixth years and was head-boy in his seventh year

- (22)loves quidditch but he would never play

- (23)Him and Regulus are academic rivals(their for real frenemies)

- (24)everyone knows about how shitty his relationship is with his father

- (25)When he got all 12 of his O.W.L, that was one of the only times in his life that his dad was proud of him

- (26)He has helicopter parents(his mom more than his dad but still)

- (27)Has dimples

- (28)He has abandonment issues, and social anxiety(oh how he hates ministry party’s but he still has to go to keep up appearances)

- (29)Very dark brown eyes

- (30)He’s actually really fucking weird like(Pandora and him are for real are you gonna match my freak)

- (31)He’s a pretty crier not gonna lie

- (32)Dark circles underneath his eyes

- (33)has some sort of personality disorder

- (34)He’s is the little spoon in the relationship.

- (35)him and Evan were for real made for each other(even though they are a bit toxic)

- (36)he was born like a 3 weeks early(his birthday is October 21rst)

- (37)He was most definitely in the slug club(even though he kinda of sucked at potions, he was only chosen because of who his father was)

- (38)He can be extremely manipulative at times and he is also a great actor(the reason why so many people thought he was innocent after his trial, and that skill has also gotten him out of so much trouble)

- (39)he can easily mask his emotions; anger, sadness, happiness etc.

- (40)He’s extremely clingy to people once they get close

- (41)He got way to close to the Lestranges for his own good after Evan died

- (42)When he gets a really bad letter from his dad he just completely shuts down

- (43)Barty actually had a pretty close relationship with his house-elf, Winky

- (44)He’s can speak so many different languages such as, gobbledegook(the goblin’s language), French, German, English etc.

- (45)Very complicated home-life

- (46)Barty fell first and fell very hard in the Rosekiller relationship

- (47)He will give you the most dirty look if he doesn’t agree with you

- (48)Severely touched starved, he always has to be touching Evan for his own sanity

- (49)His favorite color is a very specific color of blue.

- (50)Top of almost all of his classes(the only classes he’s not top in is divination and potions, which Pandora is the top in both; he kind of hates her for it)

- (51)5’7-5’8

- (52)He for real puts school and grades before his mental health.

- (53)he is very blunt and doesn’t really have filter, and has zero social skills(if you say something wrong or if you pronounce something wrong he will correct you ect.)

- (54)He purposely pisses off Evan half the time

- (55) he wants to be perfect but he’s so far from it

[newlyy]

Kinda want to make a large purchase and I have the money because my gma gave me birthday money, but I still feel anxiety. Partly I think because it’s so frivolous a thing that idt many other people would understand, but then, when can you make frivolous, impractical purchases if not your birthday.

[zombiejette]

thriftcore vampire sea witch meets marissa tomei from my cousin vinny

explain your gender in 10 words or less without using boring words like “male”, “female”, “nonbinary”, “masculine”, “feminine” or “androgynous”.

go!

[moodsandtenses]

There's something hilarious about how so much subsequent media has positioned Vampires and Werewolves as, like, binary opposite entities, and then you read Dracula (1897) and realize that wolves are that guy's preferred solution to every problem. You'd say something to Dracula about "ah yes, werewolves, vampires' great eternal enemies," and he'd just be like "you mean my subcontractors?"

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[evilgoodguys]

caught them doing the SIN, cos, tan (bad trigonometry joke, I'm sorry, you have permission to euthanize me)

bonus:

[trekkerac]

Ford "Icarus didn't flap hard enough" Pines

[agnesandhilda]

if female top nudity weren't viewed as inherently sexually explicit. oh brother. I would be letting those puppies hang like you wouldn't believe

[starrysharks]

ghanaian miku

[halebop-s-art]

The diagram for the classic Origami Goat, with a twist to make its horns curve ! It's from this video by by Origami Word, but it seems to be a pretty old/intemporal design that a lot of people have made. I could not find a diagram online so I made one.

(If you make her in yellow/orangy-yellow, then decorate her with red ribbons, you can make your own origami gävlebocken ! )

[brightlotusmoon]

[inbabylontheywept]

i did wrestling in middle school. on one hand, i was actually quite good at it, which was nice. being good at any sport was a new achievement for me. on the other hand, i was bi, and i was trying very hard not to notice that i was bi, and getting folded into knots by very kind, very muscular dorks made that task somewhat difficult.

adding fire to the problem was that my parents and my grandparents wanted to watch my matches, because they were very proud that their Gangly Nerd Son was actually Sporting, and they wanted to cheer me on. which would've been sweet and all, but if there are four people you do not want there during a key part of your Burgeoning Sexual Awakening, it is your mom and your dad and your grandma and your grandpa.

right? i mean, imagine some guy's got your head in his armpit, and you're going you know, old sweat smells bad, but fresh sweat has a sort of and then you make eye contact with your grandpa in the stands and you remember you're swearing spandex so if you pop a boner people aren't just going to be able to see the outline, they're going to be able to count the veins, and the only way you will be able to restore your family's honor after that would be by moving to siberia and renouncing joy, forever. that, or lift your entire body up by your kneck then twist 180 degrees without paralyzing yourself.

it’s a lot of pressure, is what i’m saying.

still it did motivate me to win my matches really fast. because i was so tall and skinny, i was stupidly good at the double leg takedown, and then once someone was knocked down, i'd just do the half nelson and kind of flip em over for the pin. then the ref would count to three and i’d win. EZPZ.

i had one match where that went great. won in the first ten seconds, sat back down, and prepared myself for a good hour or two of doing fuck all. didn't even feel bad the parents/grandparents were gonna be bored. the matches went up from me in 5 pound increments (i was in the 115 lbs division) and it was going great until we got to the 145 lbs division. the other school's wrestler stepped onto the mat, and she turned out to be a girl so our guy flipped, because for straight guys, wrestling a girl is not a pleasant experience.

i'm not entirely unsympathetic. my experience wrestling dudes was definitely a little traumatic. but also, i dealt. guy could've dealt too. instead, he refused to wrestle, and the coach went - fine. not even worth fighting over.

so he went to the 140 pounder, and that guy said, nosir, my mom said mormons can't wrestle girls. next guy down, 135 pounder, now he knew he could pull the same card and thus did. 130 pounder, 125, both tapped out. he got to the 120 guy, and that guy was catholic, but he said he was considering being mormon, and thus would have to pass. as a precaution.

coach blew up a little at that. he said "is there anyone - anyone - on this entire goddamn team that is willing to wrestle a girl?" and then he pointed at me and said "YOU. MAT. GO."

and i'll be real, if i'd been paying more attention, i'd have pulled the mormon card too, but i'd just been putting all that audio into a buffer file because i was reading, so i was halfway across the mat before i even processed what had been said and by then it was too late to turn back.

still i had a plan. and my plan - my beautiful, perfect plan - was to do what i'd always done. tackle, flip, pin, win. sit down. read. bore my family to death. move on.

i got the first part right. she was bigger than me, but she wasn't taller. just an incredibly stout woman. god built me like a snake with glasses, just as he built her like a combat cube. the problem was the half nelson. soon as she was down, i tried hooking my arm under hers from behind and for both genders, the defense for this move is just clamping your arms really fucking tight against your sides. if you're a guy, that's whatever, but if you're a girl - especially if you're god's chosen combat cube - that pins your opponents hand right against your boob.

so, i got the hook in, she clamped, my whole arm pressed against something soft, my coach was yelling THE HALF NELSON. BABYLON! JUST FINISH IT! FINISH THE HALF NELSON! and i was just trying to press hard enough to finish, when then my brain went

...oh.

and i flipped out. of course i flipped out. i like girls, and touching a boob is an elemental experience, and i was not ready. i was not prepared. i had not committed the sacred rites. i recoiled like i'd just brushed my arm against the surface of the sun, stood up, and backed away. nobody in the room knew why i'd given up. all they saw was me, right about to win, suddenly flailing around and scrambling. so everyone started screaming at me to just get the half nelson again, and i couldn't really yell back there's a fuckin' boob in the way and it was very distressing, and the only way i could think of to make them stop was just doing it over again the right way.

so i did.

i hunkered down and prepared myself for Wrasslin' Attempt #2: The Sequel.

i knocked her down again, EZPZ. i went for the half nelson again, but she knew what i was about to do so she super clamped, and i knew she was gonna super clamp, so i wound my arm back like a pop-eye cartoon punch before swinging my arm through the gap between her bicep and her side, but the amount of time i spent winding back super signalled what i was about to to do, which gave her time to clamp even harder, which somehow redirected the entire force of the popeye punch to the bottom of her bra.

it spat out a single boob the same way an action hero might spit out one single tooth after getting a solid crack across the jaw. as if to say:

*ptooie.* "that all you got?"

i did not actually see this. my experience was that first there was an arm, then there was a bit of boob, but i was braced, i was ready, forward at all costs, tatakae motherfuckers, and then the boob went away, and i didn't know where it went but my team, and the audience, and everyone who was in front of me, they all gasped like i just kicked them in the stomach. except for my coach. he was behind me, and thus one of the four people in the room who did not see the boob. now my mom, my dad, my grandma, and my grandpa, they all got flashed but nooooooo, coach thunderbutt was behind me, and he didn't see shit so he was still yelling NOOOOOO BABYLON WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST FINISH THE NELSON! GO FOR THE KILL! BABYLON! BABYLON!

but i did not go for the kill. i stood up and she stuffed her boob back real fast, and we just kind of circled each other awkwardly until time ran out and i won on points. that's not technically allowed, but the ref had some mercy on me.

my coach did not.

i barely had time to sit down before he strode over to the bench to chew me out.

"babylon," he said, in that very calm way people get when they're too pissed to yell. "why didn't you pin?"

and i didn't know how to say well coach, i tried, but there was a boob, and it kept getting in the way, and my mom was watching, and so was my dad, and so was his dad, and his mom, and god (like bible god) and that's a can of worms because i'm pretty sure he was already mad at me, and i'm wearing spandex, and i think i might have to move to siberia, so instead i said

"i uh. i forgot how to do the half nelson."

which is actually impossible. forgetting how to do the half nelson is like forgetting how to swallow your spit.

and he looked at me, like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked through him like i'd just survived my 250th day in a trench at verdun, and he said: fine.

fine.

but we're all going to practice it for an hour tomorrow because you forgot.

and then he left.

and my buddies had the gall to be salty about it. i got so many comments saying "dude, why didn't you just tell him the truth?" and i said "you can if you care so damn much. you could've wrestled the girl too. maybe someone else should do the hard thing today."

but they didn't. so the next day, we did an hour of half nelson drills, and i spent a decent amount of time getting thrown around the mat, and it was pleasant in exactly the way that i hated and the year after that, to the surprise of everyone but myself, i quit wrestling and joined the trivia team.

and if you want more reasons to love my mom, my grandpa joked after the match that i might have to talk to my bishop about it, and my mom told him he would be allowed to make jokes after he stood in front of a crowd of 110 people in spandex underpants while wrestling a woman that was not his wife.

he paused for almost five seconds after that. then he said: aw. hell. sorry babylon.

and i'd have preferred my apology from god, but getting it from him was pretty good too.

[yeepof]

Local PHD student at wizard school HARRASSED!! FOR SHAME!!

[lazylittledragon]

some domestic shadowlachs <33

[tuttle-did-it]

David Tennant for Prime Minister, please.

edit- Since this is getting so much attention, edited to include descriptions of screenshots.

This woman has lost her fucking mind.

Jo, are you okay?

[starbuck]

i say i like tragedies and everyone’s all like ‘why do you like sad stories? are you depressed?’ and never ‘how was the catharsis? was the catharsis fun?’