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unabashednightmarepizza · 8 months ago

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𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝐴𝑟𝑒 𝐿𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑑, 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝐴𝑟𝑒 𝑆𝑒𝑒𝑛

A/N(1): Considering Gaming is pretty much like me in every aspect and a weird sagau-like thing happened to me where, whenever I make a 10 pull, I always get Gaming and now baby boy is C5 already( THREE of them were on the same pull btw), and that we need to spread more love for him... Here I am with this impulsive piece of work that suddenly came to my mind where us, the reader who is the Creator of Teyvat and all the universes, descends only for him and IS the one who grants Vision to people. (Visions are not some shitty way of controlling people here)

A/N(2): I know Lantern Rite is over but damn, did I loose inspiration to finish this so soon so, I divided this into two parts.

Warnings: Spoilers for Lantern Rite and Gaming's backstory, Reader giving good parenting advice and literally being a grandma who would slap someone with a slipper and commit homicide for children, communication problems between parents and children.

"I think the Creator isn't too fond of me y'know?"

Lumine and Paimon sweated at the mention of your name, the former one rubbing his defeated shoulders for comfort as she looked at her companion.

Paimon worriedly looked up where her mother was as she floated above Gaming, the now peaceful and serene Celestia floating above them with the rightful owner in it. After gathering all your essences back and helping you come back once again - and learning that her emergency food was actually the Creator's daughter-, Lumine had the chance of meeting you quite a lot actually.

The reason for it was pretty simple: Lumine and Paimon had become inseparable.

They had been travelling together for years, all alone with only having each other to rely on. Sure, they made great friendships over the years and they were always happy to reunite with them whenever possible... But none of them could come with them on their journey.

Especially since it was unknown when exactly it would stop.

But although they thought to be alone as they discovered the truth about both Lumine and her brother's story and Paimon's origins... Lumine knew they weren't really all by themselves in such a vast and seemingly endless world.

She could feel it in her soul... With the warmth that never left her ever since she woke up near that shore, the one that had never left her even if she was starting to loose hope, always pushing her to fight for one more day.

There was no way you wouldn't love one of your own child.

"Ahhh... Why do you think so, Gaming? Have you done something to offend Her?" Paimon asks cautiously, with a hint of softness Lumine rarely heard since she was often sarcastic just as you were, as she patted his head warmly with worried eyes. This was one of the rare times that Lumine really saw You in her, that Paimon had more than one thing common with You.

Except Your love for food, that is.

She, better than anyone, knew how You were, after all, as a daughter... She felt your unconditional love even when she had no recollection of, well... Everything that happened.

Even when she didn't know what or who she was, she knew one thing clear: The Creator loved Her creations so dearly... The one on the throne could never be Her.

"Uhhh, Paimon really doesn't think so! Her Highness is known to be so loving and kind and also supportive of Her creations-" she nervously stuttered, looking up to where you were supposed to be as she gave as much comfort as she can. She didn't need to be an expert to know that most of the people in Teyvat adored their Creator, and all of them respected You for... every single thing You did for them.

Including setting new Heavenly Principles to ensure peace all across Teyvat, after millenias of destruction caused by the Usurper which tainted the soil, the very core of Teyvat and the souls of people and gods alike.

Gaming, of course not surprisingly, was one of those who admired you the most. Chenyu Vale, after all, was known for their tea and tea ceremonies, especially those of Adepti and the Creator. The stories of your both heroism and creation was one thing told throughout the land... And then there was the parental ones they had heard and read about thanks to their Archon, Gods and Adepti wanted to preserve for Your and their sake...

To remember those peaceful times they all used to sit with You and eat, drink to their heart's content as they shared stories and what they had been doing with their humans... Before either Barbatos or Menogias and Bosacius "ruining it" with their banter and over all "idiocy" with one of them begging to drink wine with You while the other two argued about the fact that Bosacius shouldn't enter where you are, alongside the ladies, practically half-naked as a mean of respect.

Menogias was not the one describing such events with much disdain, it was Rex Lapis' rather "dislike" towards a certain God of Freedom as those who read your stories sweated awkwardly at his descriptions of " that drunkard who wouldn't stop hogging the Creator all to himself and had no brains too actually give a thing for rules"... All the while You cackled with the "ladies" at the back with a comedic look on your face, betting on how many tries it would take for them to finally agree.

It was good old days... that seemed far, far away from reach as the years passed and now Teyvat was becoming another version of itself, one that You would be proud of no matter what.

Safe to say, most people praised your name and prayed to You through those ceremonies. Liyue and Chenyu Vale were the one who was perhaps the earnest with their belief, and the tea leaves they were proud to grow with Your blessing...

And with the dim-sum they had as a breakfast, to reminisce and pay respect to You and all the Gods who dined with You above the sky once.

But back to the modern days, where three youngsters were having a meltdown for different reasons...

Gaming, because he just told them- two once strangers and now his friends- his biggest secret and insecurity after his problems with father.

Paimon who almost bawled her eyes out from sadness because of the drop of his head like a kicked puppy at the slight sign of his insecurity of failing her mother.

Lumine, because these two were being total dummies and she was wondering how the hell Paimon could be related to You, who was always the logical one and always choose the rational side of things.

"I-I know that, and trust me, I am very grateful to be acknowledged by Her but... Well, I mean, I am surely in no position to complain but life wasn't the easiest for me. Especially since I chose to indulge in Wushou Dancing. You guys already know my story and... And I'm afraid that I didn't satisfy Her with how I failed at making Wushou Dancing popular-"

Gaming ranted in one breath, his face contorting in pain, both from the possibility of such thing being true and from being breathless, as he looked like a kicked puppy with his huge brown eyes from where he stood in front of the petite blond, who stared at him with a confused and troubled look.

" Woah, woah! Easy there, calm down, Gaming... So you think she is upset because of... This?"

Lumine couldn't help but frown while pointing at him and back to his vision, confusion and slight worry clouding her golden eyes as Gaming gulped and looked at her through his lashes, head turning away and eyes trailing over to stare over the tea fields. She only hoped he didn't think it was because she was belittling his worry, but rather, she didn't understand why he worried.

You were always so proud of your creations, did they really not know this?

"Uhm, y-yeah? Why wouldn't She be? She saw potential in me to make it so popular and well-liked by people yet, hehe... Here I am, as a complete failure. Just like my dad predicted..." He rubbed the back of his neck embrassed, sweating from the nervousness at the intense glare the duo was giving to him.

Logically thinking, he knew there was absolutely no way of knowing anything about the Creator, especially something as trivial as this. Both because of a) you must be too busy to care for such a small and childish thing and b) you were the Creator, how were you not supposed to love what you made?

But poor boy's insecure mind was too consumed by the self-hatred he had kept inside for so long that it started to consume hım whole... Enough to question everything he had been taught all of his life, questioning himself for the first time ever since that day if all these struggles were worth it.

Paimon, seeing and having a guess at his state, quickly budged in to divert his attention elsewhere.

"B-But I am sure that mot- I mean, Her Highness didn't bless you with a Vision and showed her favor while expecting something in return!" Paimon suddenly shot up to the air, her short legs kicking at the air angrily as her face was contorted in pure anger for the way he was thinking. And Lumine, for the first time ever since meeting her, cold sweated because of how scary she looked at the moment.

"But..." Gaming sighed dejectedly, coming down from the shock of her sudden burst, head hung low and feeling the familiar sting of his eyes of many nights he spent alone on his bed and looking back to his decisions, trying to determine if he regretted them or not, thinking about his beloved mother and Creator...

And what you both must be thinking of him.

Had he... Failed both of you?

You, who created the whole world with so much love, "The Mother of All" and his own mother, who never shied away from showing her support to him even when his father was angry at her for "spoiling" him...

"But..." he couldn't help but get frustrated at himself, and the tears gathered at the corner of his eyes. How long was he going to act like a kid? How much more would he trouble others because of his problems, much like he was doing now to even his new friends that he just met? He knew he kind of failed at his biggest dream, although his stubborn father didn't know about it just yet and he intended for it to stay that way...

Actually saying it out loud made him realize how... futile, his hardwork had been.

He really didn't make any progress at all, huh?

Before he could get any other self-deprecating thoughts, he contiued with gritted teeth as shame slowly filled him and he moved to get up. "...I was given a Vision because of my ambition to make Wushou Dancing popular in Liyue Harbor, at least that's how I see it although I know not everyone's jumping at watching it... And if I can't make it come true then..."

Another dejected sigh as his hand subconsciously went to his Vision, feeling its comforting warmth as he clutched the glass orb tightly. He always believed that the Visions' warmth, apart from containing the aspirations of the holder, had always had a part of you as well... That the comforting warmth that accompanied him much like other holders, was because of your love and hopes for them. To see what path they would carve for themselves while watching over them...

And there was no way he made anyone proud with what he had become. His relatives? They didn't particularly care about him, they couldn't, right? And his father was another story with the restless and hurtful quarrels they used to have every day, especially after his mother's death. He wouldn't even talk to him, yet alone look at his face, why would he care to come looking for his son?

How would a young boy like him ever know that the reason his father couldn't look at him in the eyes was because he was also reminded of his mistakes and hurtful words he uttered towards his own father when he was his age? How would he know that his own father, though he didn't show himself like that, lacked the way to express his guilt to his own son that he hadn't seen in a long time?

How would he know that his own father was drowning in his own guilt, but too afraid to say anything to his son when he too, was drowning himself in guilt and self-hatred?

His, and unknown to him... his dad's, mind was clouded with their own sadness, all the while never leaving their eyes from the clear sky while Paimon's and Lumine's worried eyes were on Gaming's melancholic ones, as the duo shared a stare only they could understand... with a question after years of being on Teyvat suddenly popped inside their mind.

That they had to reach to you as soon as possible...

And learn how the Vision-giving process actually worked.

"Then, what am I?"

Meanwhile, up in Celestia, you were merrily decorating your place in Liyue themes, since the Lantern Rite night was coming closer, and watering the many plants you had as a gift from your children was taking too long, you opted to keep yourself busy with humming a soft tune.

Completely and blissfully unaware of the chaos in Liyue.

But you know what they say: A mother intuition always works and is always right.

"Hmm... My mom senses are tingling yet once again. Could it be my daughter?" You curiously asked to yourself, a slight worry deep in your heart as you walked back to your throne room to check on her and her companion, the music still blasting inside your head.

Those "earphones" your Fontanian kids called, was really something else as they blasted of your son Barbatos' one of the many ballads, only requiring a magical jade to store that tune. Perhaps you could visit your son and see how they are all doing after that whole Usurper ordeal?

"My children truly exceeded my expectations... If only they didn't nearly destroy Khaenri'ah all those years ago, give them a very unnecessary curse and give me one week of detailed work before the new year..." You couldn't help but sigh out "tiredly" and crack your back, rubbing your neck as you opened the huge white gates of the throne room.

Khaenri'ah, your dear children, were unfortunately caught between the crossfire of Celestia and the misled Archons, getting either killed or cursed with monstrosity and immortality. With yet another scheme of the corrupted Heavenly Grounds combined with them being too blind from their greed, the evil surged to the surface near Khaenri'ah and thus... since the only God they believed in was you, the biggest enemy of the Second... They were nearly destroyed completely.

But now, after a very brutal battle on the very same grounds you now peacefully walked on, Teyvat and your children were finally free with no blood of them dripping to the ground. You gave a new hope, a new world where people would thrive and live in harmony.

Children no longer in pain and crying, not being without parents...

Mothers never having to cry for their fallen children and fathers going mad...

However, just like you always thought of your children... They didn't hesitate to surprise you, and on some occasions scare you, with their quirks... It was only natural to be scared for your children, most importantly your baby, right?

Listening to the conversations of your daughter and Lumine with their other companions had always been a joyful experience for you, even when you were yet to take a form and were shackled. Often they joked with each other, or threw sarcastic quips at each other much to your amusement as you saw yourself in your daughter as clear as the day.

With how easygoing and cheerful their conversations would often be, you didn't think there was anything alarming happening as you looked into our orb.

There were times even you, the Mother-of-All, were left speechless...

As soon as the foggy and disturbed watery surface of your orb cleared out with a wave of your hand, and you were able to see the worried eyes of your dear vessel and daughter looking at a young boy with red and brown hair, their conversation made your mom senses 100 times worse.

"Gaming... Are you okay? Did you sleep well? You look like you are about to fall asleep any time!"

"Not really. Just yesterday, I stayed up all night playing cards..."

"Huh? Stayed up all...night? Isn't that- Isn't that a bit concerning for humans?" You worriedly asked your royal guard as he shook his head just as worriedly from behind you, although disguised it better than You did as you repeatedly looked between him and the orb, picked on your lips and pulled on it in worry as if it could somehow make you understand what you just heard.

He wasn't the Mother of All, after all. It wasn't in his nature to worry about the young ones.

"This boy... He surely doesn't give a single care about his health! I didn't create sleep for humans for nothings! One thing they need for completely resting and-and look at this! Unacceptable!" You groaned with a deep, threatening tone, angry and not understanding why humans tried to go against their nature like that, hands on either sides of your hips as you stared at Gaming's reflection and see... Just how really tired his soul was.

Going between a great dilemma for his future, a hard time for him, one that hangs heavily upon his shoulders and the soul you crafted quite carefully and gently.

What was it that made a boy so young such as him so deeply upset that it affected him deep to his core?

Yet... Made him still so sweet and... pinchable?

"Hmm... They seem to be getting along well nonetheless." you affectionately expressed with a hand under your chin, trying to be still positive, lovingly looking at the content smiles of all three children as your daughter feasted upon food after food and was being spoiled to no end by none other than Gaming himself.

The young boy's willingness to pay for everything and not "disturb" other's, even if he earned that Mora in the hard way, impressed you and his kindness and easygoing side was something you had never seen in a human before.

And considering you were the Creator, that said a lot by itself.

But still... His way was one that could be considered as... "Self-destructive", one that rang the alarms of a troubled childhood even from miles away, and also one which needed to be stopped at one point.

Even if it required the two most essential weapons of a mother: "The Mom Voice" and "The Slipper".

Your thoughts were cut short when you saw your daughter's shy yet puffed out cheeks as Gaming cooed at her, you couldn't help but chuckle as well, leaning down over the orb with both hands on your cheeks and heart combusting and running up the walls from the sudden surge of love you felt for the three young children as the other two coddled your daughter, in their own ways of course.

Aww, a fed Paimon is a happy Paimon, huh?

"And just like that, Gaming is her new favourite friend." You giggled at Paimon's flushed cheeks from the orb you watched, Lumine's smug yet peaceful smile after all the traumatic events she went through brightening your face. Gaming's bright smile wasn't so behind on the race of "radiance", his eyes twinkling in happiness at Paimon's happy and wide smile, feeling proud with himself that he was the reason she was a full and happy child at that moment.

That was exactly what you wanted for your children and people to have: Get along well with each other, learn from each other as everyone experienced the world you served beneath their feet... Not fight for their lives in greed and selfishness.

You sighed in relief when you realized that they were fine and happy, a bit tired perhaps from the hard work earlier but still... They were finally being what they were supposed to be from the beginning as they joked together already.

Two teens and a child, though the latter was questionable since Paimon has been there ever since "the Beginning".

"Gaming is one unique boy, just like many of Your creations, Your Highness... Easily well-loved, and befriended even by 'two outsiders'."

You absentmindedly nodded, you attention straying away from the scene before your eyes as you looked at one of the pillars of Celestia in deep thought.

It was no shocker that humans were... weird, in the eyes of other gods.

You created them with compensation and empathy, with the need to socialise and friend others in their journey. The way they would do it, however, entirely depended on their choices and often times, even when shackled, you watched them in amazement with the different routes they had taken with their life.

Some gods didn't want to question your authority, but couldn't help the questions linger in their minds: Why would you built paths for them when you knew the end? When you knew how they would act?

Well, that was the question forbanother day...

But even with knowing it all, Gaming's behaviour shocked even You, who was the one to set the order.

The sixteen-year-old just... gave and gave and gave at an alarming speed, without ever stopping... Without even asking for anything in return.

That wasn't good at all... A person who gives and gives, who is very self-sacrificing with absolutely zero care about their own emotions, trying to gain people's gratitude so that they would continue the relationship/ friendship, definetly experienced a situation where they felt... Invalidated for their feelings.

And You saw it... Even your daughter, who loved food and tea more than anything, hesitated to accept his request for more food and treats to eat after all the things he bought for her.

But in the end, she was just a child. A child who loved treats, especially if it came from someone else.

"You really liked it, huh?... You know what? I'll buy you a whole bunch and pile them so high, you could swim in 'em!"

"You... You noticed what Paimon likes?" you could hear the slight wavering of your little baby's voice as a gentle smile overtake your whole face, your insides filling up with an unexplainable need to crush her to your chest with many kisses all over her chubby cheeks... Although what he said he would do was a bit impossible.

You always knew your daughter had a very soft heart behind her "ugly nickname giving ceremonies" or her sarcastic answers, even when she unintentionally ( or not, at least when she saw someone she didn't like) spoke too much and too loud.

Lucky of her that she had people who loved her anyways.

It seemed Gaming and Lumine also thought the scene to be wholesome as they both smiled with closed eyes at her obviously touched state, Lumine snickering under her breath as Paimon sniffled and blushed while glancing away from Gaming, who also supported a brotherly smile at her.

"Wait... Seriously? Paimon was just joking, you don't have to do... that!... But if you are going to get us something anyways, we would much rather have Winter Melon Cake instead! And you said you hadn't eaten it for so long, so Paimon calls it a win-win."

"Ah, don't mention it! Just think of this as a thank you for all your help." He waved his hand dismissively as he prepared to leave, doubts and anxiety still swirling in his eyes and soul. Yet, he hid all those behind a warm smile and saddened, downcasted eyes.

But there were things he couldn't hide from one entity...

"Besides, the thing between me and my family... It's a long story. It might take some time to tell. You get all hungry in the meantime as I prepare everything, goodbye!"

With that, Gaming sprintered away from the two travellers who looked from behind him with perplexed eyes. Poor Lumine couldn't understand what had just happened, with both Gaming's "story" and the way he abruptly ran away.

Paimon was busy with getting agitated, having had enough, though.

Fortunately, they weren't the only ones who felt that way... Although Paimon's reasons were different than You and Lumine.

"Is he underestimating Paimon? Hah! The audacity! She is just gonna have to show him how much-"

"Paimon could eat, perhaps?"

"Mama!"

Paimon's angry rambling and flapping of her cape ceased, her happily exclaiming as her eyes lightened up with stars when she zoomed in to where you were waiting for her with a closed eyes smile, leaving a trail of constellations in her excitement, head slightly tilted and arms wide open for her to come crashing into and nuzzle to your warm chest.

It had been such a long time after all, the last time you were peacefully together being Sumeru where you had been hiding to gather all your powers back and lead Lumine to where you were.

After a very emotional reunion, answering a lot of questions about the creation in general and the Abyss and Celestia, saving the Sumeru (as in entirety) and their Archon who was apparently your freakin' granddaughter who was very eager to finally meet her grandmother whose voice was the only thing she was able to hear in her dream...

All of you decided to wait for a bit more until everything settled and this silent war was over, to "descend" onto a very much so eagerly waiting Teyvat and declare Paimon as your youngest daughter.

Oh the amount of war flashbacks some people would have because holy shit, they treated and even insulted her- the Creator's child- so badly, they were sure they would get a very torturing punishment...

"Hello, Your High-" A hard, yet teasing, stare of your starry eyes was all it took for Lumine to sweat anxiously and correct herself with a shy smile, cheeks flushing at your serious yet still soft eyes. It wasn't in your nature to chide and get mad easily, although your eldest children would beg to differ about the previous one. However, for your dear ones, they didn't have to use such honorifics when you were all tightly knitted through the fate you let happen.

Besides, Lumine was just so cute with her bashful forgetfullness of adressing you casually, even when you often reminded her.

"Y/N... I hope you have been fine lately?" You hummed pleasantly as you nodded, patting your daughter's back as she nuzzled to your neck for warmth with a toothy smile.

"Hmm... I really was, thank you Lumine. I hope your journey on Chenyu Vale wasn't so harsh?" You inquired with a turn of your body, the floral designs on your dress and the edge of your long sleeves flowing as if they were slowly moving and your mighty crown standing on your head, shining blindingly and setting fear on enemies.

But it only amazed her further, making her stare at you for the power you held in amazement and how easily you could destroy everything and yet, chose not to.

"It was not as harsh as it was then Inazuma's, it was quite pleasing." She answered after a few seconds of pondering, making you laugh out awkwardly and sweat as she smiled kindly at you, knowing how you still held yourself to blame for what Ei had done to both of them and her own people.

I couldn't show her the right path when she needed her mother the most... Of course, I'm one of the people to blame...

That was what you said when you witnessed the pain Ei's grief and twisted thinking of "Eternity" caused to her people. Grief... Grief often blinded logic and the truth right in front of people, which resulted in unwanted situations and the hurt innocent people would have to face.

The sight of lightining scars across Lumine's petite body, a crestfallen look painted with grief raking through her body as your soft hands slowly touched her scars that you offered to heal... You never felt more disgusting and a failure than you did at the moment.

To which she always replied with " They do not hurt anymore, Your Grace..." with a tight and secure squeeze of her hands over yours as she hugged you, the Creator who felt immense guilt for something that happened out of Their control, because of the wrong doing of something else.

A Creator that felt sadness and compassion for one of Their creations so openly...

"Ah, apologies once again... I wish it was just as pleasant as it was with Liyue and Mondstadt but you know-" you shut yourself up with a forced cough, not wanting to remind her of her bad experiences as you stared at her golden eyes, to which she averted eyes and looked at the horizon bashfully under Paimon's judging eyes.

She really better had a little talk with her about Lumine's treatment towards her mother... Before something else came to her mind.

"Mom... There is something Paimon wants to ask your help with!" She excitedly chirped as she got out of your hold and made a flip, kicking her legs as you laughed out at her energy. It wasn't every day that she would ask something from you, especially that happily as if her request was a bright idea.

"Of course, darling of mine. What is it?"

"It's about Ga-Ming and his family!"

Lumine's smile froze on her face as she nervously looked at Paimon, fiddling with her fingers while hinting at her to stop, to which Paimon ignored. "I don't think it is our place to do something about his family, Paimon."

It wasn't that she didn't want to help him, she did. She already loved Ga-Ming and his energetic bursts, how he was always ready to lend a helping hand. She already considered him to be a friend and as his friend, of course she wanted him to be happy.

She knew the value of family more than anyone else, especially after loosing it, but... She was also aware that some things were supposed to stay between family and solved by them, not by some outsiders.

However, it seemed that Paimon had other ideas. As she started to reject Lumine's idea, saying how much he helped them and gave them and that they had to repay back some way, you raised a brow in question at their banter.

You already had a brief idea of what was going on with his family, courtesy of having 15 children directly related to you with different personalities, and what the problem between the father and son was, but it wouldn't hurt to hear it from them.

"Do you mean his father, sweetheart?"

She nods enthusiastically when Lumine budges in to cut her talk. "Yes, Y/N... But I do think that his problem runs a little bit deeper than we can help him with..."

You nodded at her understandingly, knowing the miscommunication going on has been prolonged far longer than it was necessary. Children often didn't notice much, didn't accept or wanted to accept their parents' expectations of them. They wanted to fly with their own wings, even if it could hurt them at first.

The parents didn't make it easy for them either and most of the times... They didn't want to accept their children wanting to go away and be themselves.

And as a result, both sides would drift apart until the other saw from their point of view, not caring that one wanted freedom and the other wanted safety and security for the other, even if it ended with their child angry at them. As long as they were safe and sound to do so... It was all that would matter, even if it seemed like a disrespect in the eyes of the child.

The stubborness of each side would only result in a distance that would severe the bond more and more with each passing day.

Perhaps... All they needed was a little nudge for them to see what both sides were loosing while they were drowning in their own stubborness?

"You are right, Lumine... However, there is nothing that could not be changed with a little help and a nudge towards the right." You hum with a hand over your chin, forefinger tapping your cheek in thought as you cross your arms over your chest. You soon broke out in a smile, having made your mind as you happily made a little jump.

"I shall help you two achieve your goal! The New Year is coming up and I do not wish any of my children to enter a new year full of new chances while being sad and alone."

You would make sure of that.

227 notes · View notes

lightlycareless · 19 days ago

Note

Naoya as our bully ?🤭

If you can, can you write something about it with dubcon and all those things

( feel free to ignore if you don’t like it ❤️)

Hello!!

Heheheh bully naoya is most likely to happen if I were to be realistic; however, I do not think it'll be as sweet as we would've liked—but that's ok, it's good to explore other things :)))

warnings: non-con; it's not explicit but it is implied so proceed with caution. minors DNI. I know you asked for dub-con but wow I just let my imagination go I am sorry I still hope you like it though 🥹 also, naoya is a prick. but that's expected. minimal proofreading, excuse the weirdness.

Happy reading!!

Naoya being your bully is, hands down, the worst thing that could’ve happened to you.

Or more likely the precursor of the most horrific thing you’d ever suffer.

Your expectations for Jujutsu High were big—and for good reason, for everyone around you made sure you’d always look to your first day at school as the biggest, most important thing to happen in your life and career. You were to obtain the first glimpse of this amazing society you were part of, how could you not be thrilled?

But perhaps what enthralled you the most was the possibility of meeting the love of your life, after all, you were a hopeless romantic at heart.

Sure, it was somewhat of a selfish, if not baseless goal when compared to your duty… but there was no harm in dreaming, right?

And as if God had willed it, you’d soon catch the attention of someone in particular not so long after your arrival.

Unfortunately, not the type you desire.

The other thing you’d quickly come to learn about as days went by were the rumors and gossip surrounding your fellow classmates; just about the usual information you’d need to survive—who’s the popular one, who to go to when struggling with schoolwork—but primarily, who to avoid.

Naoya, the heir of the Zen’in, as on top of that list, though you were already aware of such cautions since his reputation… precedes him. Thus, it didn’t make it hard for you to simply walk the other way whenever stumbling in his path.

Not that it was any difficult, since he always seemed to be entertained by other things, other girls. And since you never considered yourself comparable to them, it was safe to say that you remained under the radar.

Until the day you didn’t.

Your efforts thrown out the window when accidentally bumping into him, a seemingly innocent act that transpired in the hallways, when you were in a rush, anxious to arrive to your next class on time that you barely had taken a sip of your drink—the weapon that perpetrated your transgression, soiling his pristine uniform.

To you, the beginning of your nightmare.

To Naoya, the moment he was waiting for.

“I’m so sorry, I—I didn’t mean to do that!” you fret, hands trembling as you frantically looked for a way to clean up your mistake. “I’m so so so sorry, please, let me pay for the cleaning service, or I can—I think I can even get you another one—”

“Do you know the level of stupidity you’ve committed?!” Naoya would belittle, cornering you into feeling worse than you already were.

“I—I didn’t mean to.” You cry, shaking your head. Seems that the rumors were true regarding his personality were true after all, if not worse. “It’s just that I—I was in a rush, and you came out of no—”

“Ah, so now you’re blaming me? Is that it?”

“No—No, it was an accident! I really didn’t mean it, I swear!”

“Then you better show me how regretful you really are if you don’t want me to take this to the higher ups.” He threatens, and while a part of you doubts this incident is worth their attention…

His patience is not something you want to test, nor the limits of his wrath.

And so, your servitude begins.

First, he has you fixing the immediate cause of your despair, which seems you could never achieve thanks to Naoya’s impossible standards. You either missed a spot, didn’t use the cleaner he ordered you to (they always change) or it wasn’t as nice as it was before. The excuses go on and on, such as your debt to him, and all you could do was comply.

Of course, Naoya didn’t really care much about the uniform. In fact, he got one as soon as the other was spoiled, but what reason did he have to ignore the adorable way you fretted to fix your mistakes? Always eager to please him, it was the kind of entertainment he could not miss!

After growing bored of the endless back and forth relating to his uniform, he decides to move you onto doing his schoolwork, the boring, theory side of jujutsu nobody could care less about, to compensate in some way.

Which, once again, never fits his criteria. He just had to find something wrong, a small slip-up for him to nitpick and embarrass you.

A somewhat hard endeavor given how good you were at doing these things, Naoya that much could admit. But, well, he always preferred the teary look in your eyes when ripping apart the work you presented that day, even if it meant he’d end up doing it later himself.

“I was only—I was only doing my best—” you silently whimper, picking up the pieces of your efforts from the floor.

“Your best isn’t good enough.” Naoya coldly declares, and though your heart is sharply pierced by his crude, cold words, enough purpose to finally take a stand and leave—

You still don’t find it in yourself to stray away from him.

Because at the slightest hesitation, Naoya always found a way to pull you back in. Remind you of your mistakes and how far you really are from redeeming yourself.

Perhaps he knew of those deep, hurtful insecurities you’ve carried along since you were a child; those that made you doubt your aptitudes, if you were worthy of being a sorcerer, your family’s relative…

It would’ve been easier if you simply remained as an errand girl. The type of person to fetch him something to drink, or snack on… instead of dwelling on the old wounds of your upbringing that only worsened with his targeted frustrations—

His so called “jokes.”

Naoya’s approach didn’t take long to escalate into denigrating, personal acts against you, from cruel exchanges between his friends, pointing out your supposed flaws both physically and personality-wise, to pulling your hair whenever passing by, sneering at the stupid bow you decided to decorate your hair with—how childish it made you look—to lifting your skirt just to see what a prude girl like you could wear.

“Not that anyone is dying to know, but I thought I’d do you the favor of knowing what it feels to be desired for once in your life.”

Amongst other nasty things that just made you beg for the earth to swallow you whole.

You didn’t know what hurt the most. That there was a group willing to mock you, enough to do so whenever he wasn’t around… or that Naoya didn’t have the decency to ask them to stop.

After all you’ve done for him, that was the least he could do.

Whatever business you had with him solely pertained to the two, there was no need to bring others along, less to incite him to do that…

But expecting such was too much, and so, you simply did your best to ignore him and move on with your life while anxiously waiting for whatever humiliating task you’d be graced with soon. Praying that one day, he’ll be merciful, or perhaps forgetful enough, to set you free.

…

Unless you weren’t to deliver anymore.

Unless you were to simply… disappear.

Just now show up after class to hand Naoya all his assignments, like always. Making him wait for a few more minutes before accordingly preparing himself to scold you in the nastiest way he could imagine when you finally arrived—but you never did.

At the peak of his anger, he decides to hunt you down instead and directly confront you. Figure out how your small, stupid brain convinced you to betray him, and subsequently make you regret it.

Which there were too many ways to do so, really. But as long as you suffered, as long you experienced a fraction of his shame, he was indifferent to the methods.

But of all the things he expected to find when facing you, he never once considered the sparks of your rebellion starting by an outside influence.

A fellow student you were walking annoyingly close to, revealing his efforts of isolating as futile; of filling your mind with nothing but his presence easily replaceable by a classmate of his. That stuck-up blonde-haired guy that everyone seemed obsessed about just because he was a foreigner.

And now, you too.

He should’ve known that your gullible mind would be attracted to someone like that. It was natural that you’d do so.

Perhaps what he didn’t expect was for Nanami to grow interested in you; surely, there were far better options to set his eyes on than someone as mundane and stupid like you.

Far more intriguing to find enjoyment in, as seen in the warm smile he gives you.

His perception of Nanami undoubtedly crumbled given this advancement; but if that was the only thing that bothered him, then why is there a burning, nauseating sensation settling in the pits of his stomach? Far beyond anger at your defilement, or even disappointment, but instead something akin to jealousy?

Protecting what was his, something that he never intended to share?

Naoya would entertain his feelings for a few moments, even come to consider it wasn’t worth his time to get so worked up for someone all his friends (and himself) ultimately found replaceable.

But he stops believing such things the moment his blood runs cold upon witnessing the act that fueled his definite wrath once and for all:

You, shyly leaning towards Nanami and kissing him.

What you had with him was more than a simple friendship, that much was obvious now. Far more intimate that he would’ve liked to imagine—

And far more infuriating as well.

Is this how you repay him? After all he’s done for you, acting like a whore was the best way to show your appreciation for him, after he’s given you a purpose in life? Saved you from becoming the useless, weak sorcerer you were fated to be?

…Perhaps you do need a reminder of who you belonged to.

“What are you—what are you doing in my dorm?!” You cried the moment Naoya barged into your room, the perfect location for him to corner you; keep you away from the intruding eyes of your friends, and so-called boyfriend, and finally confront you. “You can’t be here—get out!”

“Drop the act, this rebellious façade does not fit you.” He scowls; you frown. It was evident you were always nervous whenever he was around… but today, there was something different about your trembling voice. About your hesitating movements.

It was if you were pushing yourself to remain through all your fears and put an end to his tyranny or at least die trying.

That shy, people-pleasing girl was long gone—Undoubtedly, the work of someone whose mere remembrance only made his blood boil.

“I—I don’t care what you think, Naoya, you cannot be in my room!” you cry back. “Get out or I’ll—”

“You’ll what? Call your boyfriend?” You blink; he lets out a mocking chuckle. “Think I wouldn’t notice? You’re awful at keeping secrets, you know?”

“I wasn’t—I wasn’t keeping a secret.” You continue. “I just—I just didn’t care anymore about you!”

“Excuse me?” he responds, offended. “Did you just—"

“Shut up! For once, just shut up!”

Naoya flinches, taken aback by your sudden outburst, as if it had come out of nowhere; and not the exhaustion of his mistreatment, his constant disrespect towards your persona and all your acts.

Had it been the you from before, you wouldn’t have even dared.

Yet, just as you confessed, you simply stopped caring about him. What he had to say or what he thought—if he were to lash out at you or dump you with more work.

And all thanks to Nanami’s company; his affection. A supporting figure that reminded you of your strength, of your value and importance. Of how you were still deserving of being cherished and respected, without having to go through these endless ordeals to prove your worth. Those worthy to keep around wouldn’t make you go through that, anyways.

But most importantly, he showed you the power you had over your own life. How you were capable of putting a stop to the tyranny that pushed you to this bottomless ocean of self-doubt, and leave all your pain behind.

“You’re the most despicable, disgusting, horrible man I ever had the disgrace of meeting in my life!” you begin, letting out all your bottled-up anger through tears and yells. A cathartic occurrence that your heart so desperately needed. “You’re—You’re a monster, I don’t know how I tolerated you for too long!

But I won’t allow it anymore, because—I—I have Kento by my side and he’s—he’s showed me all these wonderful things I’ve been completely unaware of thanks to you!

He taught me to be strong, to be—to be fearless. To appreciate what little I have and cherish my loved ones!

To—to be honest with myself, and to—and to never let anyone else hurt me ever again!!

So today—today I denounce you! Whatever agreement we had, whatever it is that I was supposed to make up to you, it’s done! I refuse to keep being your slave, the center of your mockery. All I’ve ever did was try to please you but it’s obvious I will never commit to that, and you—you never had intentions of letting me go; if it were up to you, I’d simply remain miserable all of my life as long as you remained happy!

But… but that is finally over. It’s done. I won’t allow you to ever hurt me, to ever treat me like I was beneath you!

And I really do hope you get all you deserve. All that someone as despicable as you could ever hope to get!

I—I hope I never get to see you again, I hope that after today, you’ll walk out of my life once and for all!

Because I really, with all my existance—

hate you!”

The last thing Naoya remembers from that point forward was feeling irritated by your obnoxious rambles drowning in with burning rage. An overwhelming need to make you eat your words and apologize; so grave that it blinded his sights, his memory.

There were only brief moments here and there that managed to make way to his thoughts, such as the stinging pain on his palm after striking you across the face following your words, continued by the deep betrayal you’ve inflicted in his heart as he pulled you by the hair to force you to listen and reflect on the stupidities you’ve just spewed upon him.

“Did you really think I would allow you to disrespect me without suffering the consequences?! Did you really think I’d sit by as you preached things you don’t even know what they mean?! All because a silly, stupid man managed to convince you were deserving of them???” Naoya berates, bringing your face close to his and imposing you to see him—the anger you caused, the gravity of your actions.

“Na—Naoya—!” you squirm, trying to break free from his grasp, but he only holds you tighter in place; painfully subdues you to become responsible for your life for once.

“You’re nothing but a stupid, foolish whore that got placed in a pedestal simply because someone wanted to fuck you.” He chuckles. “You think Nanami likes you? Really?? Don’t you think that if he did, he wouldn’t have pushed you to do something stupid like this?? He ought to know better, but I suppose that for a stupid girl like you, you’d do anything to obtain a man’s favor, even if it means betraying those who care for you.

Fortunately, I know exactly what to do in situations like this, how to deal with people like you.

I’ll show you that all I’ve done came from a place of compassion, of pity.

That I’m the only person that would ever dare to do so.”

It’s clear what he intends to do once he throws you onto the bed, once he begins to strip you of your garments and ignore your pleads of mercy. A possibility of reconsideration—how you didn’t mean to offend him as gravely as you did.

“But that is long gone, and now, I will make you see the error in your decisions. I will make you regret ever crossing me.”

And overall—

“I will make you see I’m the only man you need.”

Naoya’s defilement does not stop no matter how much you beg him to.

No matter how much you weep, you beg for his forgiveness, profess your regret and promise to do better… he was simply uninterested in what you had to say.

Instead, he succumbed deeper into his emotions, allowing them to control his rationale and do all kinds of horrifying, disgusting things to your body with the sole purpose of branding you with his anger, with your transgressionsso that you’d never forget.

You’d never dare to insult him the way you fervently did.

You’d never dare look onto another man, when he was there to be the object of your sole veneration.

Of your affection.

To keep you solely focused on him, and eventually, get you where you deserved to be.

It’s a shame things had to end this way, he manages to muse as he continued to desecrate you. But some people could only understand the hard way, the stubborn, stupid, naïve way. You just had the misfortune of falling into that category.

And he did just that. He drilled that notion onto you, both mentally and physically, what you should’ve known the moment you crossed paths with his.

The moment he set eyes on you, you were his, and it was always meant to be that way.

“St—Stop it, Naoya…” you gasped, tears in your eyes as you tried for the nth time that moment to fight him off. But too weak after his aggressions, all you could do is weep. “Please—please… I’m sorry, I’m sorry—”

Naoya only stops once he believes your lesson to be learned. From there, he barely gives you a second glance as he composes himself and leaves your dorm; far too indifferent to oversee your wellbeing or if someone were to find you in a broken position.

He simply goes on with his day as if it were any other, occasionally reflecting on your absence once realizing you went missing for the rest of the day, but outside of that, nothing.

Because ultimately, that is what you deserve.

Nothing.

Naoya allows you to keep your distance for a few days more after… his act. Whether because he didn’t feel in the mood to see your face, still resentful of your words, or because he was busy… It didn’t matter much; for he kept on with his life as if nothing had transpired. Treating you like an occasional remembrance, the junior he’d grown somewhat close to but eventually outgrown when another came along.

Even when his friends pestered him to find out about your situation, Naoya dismissed them. He had far bigger matters to attend to, after all, silly little Y/N was just another fish in the ocean; if they were so desperate to know, why don’t they find out themselves?

However, he wouldn’t be able to continue putting on this act once his classmate, your disgraceful boyfriend, began to mope. Becoming even moodier the longer you went on without attending school, even enough to go around asking if anyone had seen you after that fateful day—no one had.

Except your friends, the only few that somehow were able to place the pieces together and know what occurred to you; or at least, make a theory out of their findings—which eventually led for the whole school to gossip about.

“Did you hear?” Someone would begin. “Y/N has dropped out of school.”

“What? Dropped out? When??”

“Not too long ago, it seems. Just a few days ago—”

“What makes you think that? She could just be sick…”

“Come on, why do you think her siblings are all moody nowadays? If anything, the question we should be asking is why? Why would someone drop out in the middle of the school year? It’s not like she a bad student…”

“Are you sure she didn’t just transfer?”

“No, she didn’t. I saw the records, she dropped out. But you’d never know why… and honestly, I didn’t think she’d have it in her.”

“Have what in her?”

“More like who.”

“What—what are you implying?”

“Oh, and she seemed so innocent too…”

“No—no way you’re…”

“Yeah, I am. Y/N’s—”

Pregnant.

In other words, a child grows inside you right now.

And Naoya knew just who the father was.

What he didn’t know is why the idea seemed to thrill him enough to seek you out. Why he didn’t just… force you to take that damned pill, as he’d done countless times before, and move on.

Instead, he decided to travel all the way down to your home and demand the presence of your family; of your distraught parents he could see were disappointed in their seemingly promiscuous daughter, yet respectful enough to receive him. Perhaps because deep within, they knew he was related to your situation.

Or because it was one of the many perks of being the heir of the Zen’in.

Like being given the liberty to do as he pleases, painting a story that greatly deviated from the truth: making them believe you and him had a relationship, but given the nature of his position, he couldn’t divulge it. His family were… traditional, in some sense. They would never allow their heir to approach women in casual settings.

But love proved far stronger, and such demonstration now came in the small life nurtured inside your womb.

The same one he sweetly promised to take care of—as long as you married him.

Everyone had a price, and it seems your parents’ was prestige and honor; things easily obtainable through his titles, but at the sake of your happiness.

“What—what is he doing here—” you stammer, frightened to see the face that troubles your thoughts, your dreams, in the last haven you got. “How did he get in here?!”

“Oh, Y/N, this is wonderful!” your mother would cry, rushing to your side to take you into her arms. “All of our prayers were heard!”

“What—what are you talking about?!”

“You no longer need to worry about your future now, pumpkin. Naoya here will take care of everything!” Your father continues.

“Wh—what?” you breathed, sight blurry and head dizzy at the sound of their delirious words.

“He told us of your situation.” Your mother adds. “About your relationship with him.”

But not the true one, is it? For their reactions didn’t correlate to the horrors you were haunted by.

“What—what did he say??”

“Our truth, Y/N.” Naoya responds. “About our love, and my commitment to provide for you.”

Naoya painted himself as your savior, as the sinner than changed for the sake of love and was now willing to do everything necessary to give you, the mother of his heir, a suitable life.

Through a divine vow.

A life sentence.

You wept. You wailed, screamed, begged your parents to set you free from the hands of your tormentor. Exclaimed that his acts were far from a lover, but rather, an abuser. A demon—all that he had done was with your suffering in mind, not the other way around!

But even if they were to decline his offer, your family were far too eager to cling at the opportunity of returning to relevancy. Of getting into the Zen’in’s good graces and bask in the prestige they once lost to time.

Your eager nature could’ve not come sooner, what they once condemned, now they welcomed as a blessing.

And such, amidst poisonous congratulations, your new life was set: permanently bound to the man that had broken your spirit, defiled your body, and now, claimed your future.

No one would come to believe the atrocities he had inflicted upon, no matter how much you tried to convince others—it was simply easier to assume that he acted such way because… well, women were difficult, were they not? And you weren’t exactly the prime example of a proper woman either. If anything, you should be glad that you’ve managed to catch a man as devoted as him; any other would’ve bailed out on you.

But Naoya didn’t; he may not have the greatest reputation, nor the best temperament, but he still stepped up—and if that’s not worthy of admiration, then shame on you. Many women would’ve killed to have a partner like that, so, it’s best if you comply and stop being ungrateful.

Do what you’re supposed to do as his future wife—this is the life women of your status were expected to do anyways, don’t act like you didn’t know what you were getting into.

“I—I at least want to finish school.” You sadly lament, the last of your excuses before your fate was doubled down.

“You won’t need that once we’re married.” Naoya interjects. “All you’d need to learn is how to be a good wife and mother for our family, you’ll hardly have time for sorcery so just forget about it.”

Just like he always imagined the moment he laid eyes on you, only that he never professed it out loud.

It’s true: since the time he was aware of your existence, there was something that mesmerized him.

He just didn’t know what precisely; it could’ve been your beauty, your untainted image, pure in all imaginable ways—he couldn’t let anyone else get to you first.

And after all that happened, he can safely assume that this was his destiny. It was God putting you on his path while Naoya did the rest.

If anything, he laments it took this unwanted pregnancy to realize him so. Naoya would’ve liked something a bit more… traditional, but he supposes this will work too. Can’t complain much if he got what he wanted in the end: to claim you.

All that he’s left to worry about is drilling that defiance out of you. Something a baby ought to do the trick.

But if not, Naoya doesn’t worry much. After all, he’ll have all the time in the world to do so.

Naoya would be the type to find porn actresses that look like you and then show you a video or something, ask you if you'd make the same sounds/faces and such. Just had to get it out there.

Also, did I not tell y'all that in all universes naoya and y/n end up together? For better or for worse? lmao i'm sorry i'm just delusional rn. it's been a stressful week if i am being honest but coming back to these asks, characters, all of you, makes me happy :')

Well, I don't really have much to say, except that I hope it was to your liking 🥹💖💖💖

Now, take care and hope to see you soon. 💖💖💖💖

#ask #naoya zenin #naoya zen'in #naoya x reader #naoya zenin x reader #naoya zenin x you #jjk naoya #naoya zen'in x reader #jjk x reader #jjk smut #jjk x you #prompt series: jujutsu kaisen #jjk angst

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ridox · 3 months ago

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SYLUS ‘WHERE DRAKESHADOWS FALL’ THOUGHTS, THEORIES, TED TALKS —

I need to get these thoughts out of my head because his myth effectively made him my favorite LI and unfortunately there’s no going back from here anymore

Spoilers under the cut!

WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN ?! I feel as though I need to just start word vomiting because this was the first time I’ve ever cried over any of the 5-star memories released in this game. 4-stars? Sure. There were a lot from Rafayel that I cried about but not to the extent Where Drakeshadows Fall made me.

BECAUSE YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THE REASON WHY SYLUS HAD SUCH A VISCERAL REACTION TO FINDING OUT MC CAN’T RESONATE WITH HIM ON THE MAIN CHAPTERS IS THE POSSIBILITY OF HER BEING DISGUSTED BY HIM ?!

ONLY TO HIT US WITH THE STORY OF HOW SYLUS FOUND HIMSELF SO MONSTROUS AS A CHILD THAT HE TRIED SHORING OFF HIS HORNS AND SCALES AND HOW NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL IT WAS IT DIDN’T COMPARE TO THE PAIN HE FELT FOR BEING OSTRACIZED AND PUNISHED FOR A SIN HE DIDN’T COMMIT ?! ?! ?!

Am I suppose to feel normal when the realization hit me that after the scene in the church, all the ‘good things’ that came afterward was just a dream? Another state of shared reality between Sylus & MC where they get to live a normal life, building a home out of the very church they both almost died on, decorating it to get a semblance of normalcy amidst society casting them out of its reaches and condemning them to a fate worse than death ?

You mean to tell me the field Sylus took MC on was nothing but a wish almost, to both of them, that after learning MC liked flowers after she spent an entire afternoon gathering enough to make a crown for him, Sylus immediately showed her the field of Datura and convinced her that beauty still exists in this dark cruel world and for him the equivalent of that is her ?!

LIKE I’M SUPPOSED TO JUST BE OKAY WITH THE THOUGHT THAT SYLUS SACRIFICED HIMSELF TO UPHOLD HIS END OF THE DEAL WHERE MC GETS TO LIVE YET SHE CURSED HIM TO NEVER SUFFER A TRUE DEATH LEST ITS BECAUSE OF HER OWN TWO HANDS

HOW THE RESONANCE CHAIN LINK ALL ALONG WAS BECAUSE HIS SOUL MERGED WITH HERS AND SHE CARRIES THE BOTH OF THEM INSIDE HER SOUL BONDED TILL THEY MEET AGAIN

No I don’t feel normal, my mind is going 100% an hour and this is the day after I read through his entire myth already

MIND YOU AFTER THIS MYTH I HAVE SEVERAL THEORIES NOW —

1. MC cursing Sylus to essentially live forever, in effect cursed herself to also basically become immortal. Except the curse is only halved on her part because only half of Sylus’ soul lives in her which is why she resurrects with no memory of who she was or what they were in their past lives

2. With that said, the only reason MC is able to get resurrected time and time again is because of this curse that she essentially put on herself. Which leads me to the second theory that perhaps a part of Sylus’ heart lives inside of MC. You know that huge gem on his chest that’s nowhere to be seen during present day ?

Highly theorizing that’s actually a protocore and perchance the same protocore inside MC’s heart

Source: I can feel it in my bones

3. Rafayel knows who Sylus is because Sylus plays a bigger role in the entire story than we thought. As far as we know, Sylus’ myth is the oldest in terms of Philos history. MC’s life may very well have started at this point (or well, until we find out who the other LI is and what role he plays in the story)

Anyway, there’s a couple of instances where Rafayel mentions dreaming of dragons, or having to best an evil dragon, something about towers which was very much so present in the Sylus myth blah blah yada yada

Rafayel knows who Sylus is but has never actually met him before

4. Finally, if MC dies then Sylus dies as well.

THAT’S ALL THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK

#like nothing about this game makes me normal #got me sobbing at two in the morning out loud #why was his myth the saddest #sylus myth spoilers #love and deepspace #l&ds #lads #sylus #love and deepspace sylus #l&ds sylus #lads sylus #rafayel #love and deepspace rafayel #l&ds rafayel #lads rafayel #ridox thoughts

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everythingseasoning · 2 months ago

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The things we read really affect our mindset & development, and I’m very lucky to say that I didn’t watch porn or read smut when I was younger.

Post summary: Why smut on tumblr has been a safe space of exploration for me; Having healthy expectations for a partner/a little bit on loving and healthy relationships

That being said, being on tumblr and reading smut for free as a young adult who was over 18 years old when I first came on here, is the guiltiest pleasure for me <3. It has been a way for me to learn about sex, and explore the growing sexual nature of myself safely. (I didn’t ever watch porn until I was 18, didn’t like porn, hadn’t had sex, and I didn’t read anything hardcore when I first started reading smut. I’m grateful for those things too.) Being on tumblr as a young adult and reading smut is not something I’ll ever be ashamed of, because it helped me develop and learn about my sexual preferences in a safe, non exploitive way. I am so grateful I didn’t end up in a relationship with a person who doesn’t treat me with the respect, consideration, love, and had sex with them. It’s incredibly sad when that happens, and can really ruin a person’s self esteem, and haunt them. I’m so grateful that I had tumblr writers and their work to teach me about what could possibly go down during sex, and showed me that sex can be something both fun and so pleasurable, when you’re doing it with a good person who loves you, and you love them. Also, reading smut on here means I won’t be going in blind re: what could happen during my first time (it’s anxiety inducing to not know!). TLDR: Smut showed me that sex can be something safe and pleasurable when you’re with a good person, and it was a way for me to explore my sexual side.

I think if I did have a good, loving partner and experimented with them rather than turning to tumblr smut, those experiences would’ve been a safe and fun way to develop sexually, as well. But because I was not in a relationship, and rejected relationships due to my own issues, reading smut on here was the thing I needed in order to explore sex.

I’ve genuinely learned about what squirting is, had my mind blown by dirty talk & sexy situations that get me hot and bothered, developed a desire to peg a good man (with consent ofc)… All from this platform. And I think that’s a good thing. It’s also important to note that I talked to a friend who experienced a lot of sex, and now I know that sex will be awkward, vulnerable, and disappointing at times. Sometimes people won’t be sexually compatible, and sometimes the sex just won’t be good. It’s important to remember that a lot of the smut on here describe top tier sex situations— they’re fantasies— after all. We shouldn’t carry sexual expectations for our partners if we’re already in a committed relationship. That is damaging to your partner. We should let them be who they are, and love them as they are. That’s why people who are in healthy relationships work; being in a healthy relationship means accepting somebody as they are, and wanting them to grow, too. Trying to shame or blame a person for not being what you desire is wrong. Loving somebody and being in a healthy relationship means loving who they are. That being said, from tumblr smut writers who are in loving relationships, I did learn that there is a possibility for sex to be good and fun, safe and loving, hot and sexy— because sex can, and will ideally be, another way to connect intimately with your partner. And it’s not a bad thing at all to want that for myself <3

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francis-writes · 11 months ago

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SFW alphabet anon here ngl im one of the feyd rautha lovers so if you could do him first thatd be lovelyy <3 thanks

A/N: Sorry for being chaotic, i wrote it partially at 3 am when i woke up, partially on uni and partially half asleep. Also, sorry for personal stories, it will happen again. My bf knows that i start going on with stories about my friends and cousin of my grandma's nephew in the least proper times.

Warnings: Some mentions of toxic relationships, but nothing that can't be worked on

FEYD-RAUTHA SFW ALPHABET

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

It varies, depending on the stage of your relationship and whether you're alone or in public. Publicly, he's more reluctant to show feelings, but he likes physical affection, like keeping his arm around your waist or putting a hand on your thigh. He also compliments you in conversations with other people, after all, you are his partner, and he's proud to praise you. In privacy, he's more open to affection, but you need to get him used to it. Of course, as I mentioned, he shows you affections himself, but at first, it's all planned, he keeps his composure. Praises and sweet talking are true but spoken more jokingly, teasingly. You get the point, he tries to show his appreciation without seeming soft or weak. It's better if at first you are more openly affectionate. Feyd really appreciates when you hold his hand, or kiss his cheek or give him a small thing that reminds you about him or when you make him a playlist. And after some time, he may feel confident enough to return the affection.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

It's a bit harder to start a friendship when you belong to a great House, especially House Harkonnen. But I guess Feyd has a few friends - and since his childhood, they are mostly his training partners. He had a lot of time to get to know them while fighting together, and they could gain his sympathy as a skilled warriors.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Surprisingly, he likes to cuddle, especially when you relax in bed. Sometimes he rests his head on your chest or on your lap and lets you hug him or stroke his head. Sometimes he's a big spoon and you fall asleep with him clinging to you like koala to a tree.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

I mean, you rather quickly move into his residency, but it's kinda different. Because his family, court and servants live there as well so your shared house has a population of small city. And yeah, servants clean and cook for him, so there's no reason for him to learn these skills.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

It depends. If you weren't long together and/or it was kinda your "fault" (you cheated or wanted to leave him, because for example, you didn't support his actions), it's possible that he would kill you out of anger. Or maybe because if he can't have you, nobody will.

If you already got closer to each other, then he lets you go away. He makes it quick and emotionless but he may make sure that you have somewhere to go and some money for a living.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

It's kinda complicated question. Feyd himself would like to marry you quickly - not because he believes that much in formalities, but it's a way to solidify your bond and show that you're his. On the other hand, he still has some limitations as an heir. Even if you have a higher social standing or belong to one of the Major Houses, it doesn't mean that Baron Harkonnen will find you fitting his ambition or offering the best alliance. He may threaten Feyd that if he wants to inherit the title and everything, he has to get married according to Baron's decision. When Feyd notices that Baron doesn't have other heirs, unless he wants to leave everything to Rabban, Vladimir suggest that Feyd may have you as a concubine, or he may have you dead. So well, most probably you won't get the official title but you would still be his dearest concubine (and his wife would be like Irulan to Paul). He may even make a small private ceremony to celebrate your bond. Or maybe Baron dies before any wedding (with or without Feyd's help) and there's nothing stopping him from marrying you.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Well, considering that you're together and he cares about you, he can be really gentle. Sometimes he likes to tease you or his jokes and comments may go to far but when you confront him about it, he may tone down his malicious games.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

It's similar to the general affection headcanon. He enjoys hugging you (he grips you tight then, as if he wasn't going to ever let you go. If he can, he nuzzles his face in the crook of your neck) as well as when you hug him but he's still getting used to openly showing non-sexual affection.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

He says it first, but at the beginning it's still with a tone of amusent, he's manipulating you a bit. He mixes it with other sweet words to get you wrapped around your finger but he doesn't really notice when his words become more and more honest and heartfelt. If you know baldur's gate 3, it kinda reminds romance with astarion. At first, even if he likes you, Feyd plays you like a game and his words are part of the strategy; that's just how he treats everything and everybody. But as time passes, it becomes less of a strategy and more a true confession.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

I made a whole post about this but in summary: Feyd isn't very jealous, he's too confident to be afraid that you would leave him. But he's very possesive and doesn't like other people trying to take away his possesions (yes, in this case you). He doesn't get suspicious for no reason, but when there's actual threat to his position - like, someone flirts with you, or gets too touchy, or maybe you enjoy someone's company too much - he takes quick action. He joins you, wraps his hand around your waist and joins the conversation. He's not threatening his rival openly but he emphasizes in the conversation that you're together, you're very happy and devoted to each other and you will stay together until death. If somebody gets really too close to you, Feyd may fuck you in semi-public place, so his rival hears who is your actual lover and who can make you feel good. Well, that's if his rival is of higher standing. If they are a servant, Feyd will willingly kill them. Maybe behind your back. So you don't protest.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Passionate, hungry, possesive. Wherever he kisses you, he likes to bite, but his favourite place is your neck.

When it comes to you kissing him, it’s has a different vibe. Feyd enjoy all your kisses, but if he had to pick his one favourite kind, it would be kisses on the forehead. He isn't eager to admit that, but he loves the affection you put in these kisses and how they make him feel cared for. Maybe he isn't as touch-starved as Rabban, maybe he hides it better but still both brothers subconsciously yearn for a gentle touch and kind words.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Again, complicated topic. Feyd probably wants children but not for the... proper reasons. He needs an heir to preserve his blood and his lineage. Also passing his genes is important for his ego. If you're able to give birth to his child, he may also see getting you pregnant as matter of dominance and control. But does he really like children? Maybe. He can take care of them for some time and be that cool dad who treats you as a fellow adult. But he wouldn’t like the everyday responsibilities and the less entertaining aspects of raising a child and would probably leave it to grow up with a nanny and teachers.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

He usually has to get up early for his duties (there's either some council or a training), but if there's more time, he likes to just lay in bed and cuddle with you.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Putting aside the NSFW aspect, well, I think that Feyd goes to sleep really late, so he either continues his duties or goes to relax with you. And there are many possibilities, you can just sit there and talk in peace or maybe go on a walk. Are there any places on Giedi Prime or Arrakis where you can go out for entertainment? That's a topic for maybe different post, but if the answer is yes, Feyd would eagerly enjoy the night life with you. Sometimes he just go to train a bit more, you can either just watch him or join the training (it makes sense, i often work out or go on a long aimless walk through the city when I can't sleep; it helps to get tired and to get rid of stress and emotions).

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Slowly, definitely slowly. No matter, how much he cares about you, on Giedi Prime being vulnerable and talking about feelings is seen as weakness. And as it looks with everybody, it's hard for him to change the views they raised him in. So he either hides any more hurtful or other emotional memories, or mentions them without bigger, or treats as a joke. You need to get really close together, and he must really trust you to honestly speak with you about them.

When it comes to more neutral or positive things, he may not be too quick to tell too much about himself (growing up on Harkonnen's court made him careful about sharing important informations that can be potentially used against him), but he doesn't hide them too much as well - after all, he enjoys talking about himself and he wants to impress you, so as you get closer to him, you learn more and more "safer" facts about him. Also if you're vulnerable with him first, it helps him be more open and trust you.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

I know I keep repeating it but it's hard to say. Even when he gets annoyed, Feyd is very good at keeping his composure and controling his emotions. Also when he gets angry, it's not loud, screaming rage, like with Rabban. He gets more cold and reserved, showing his anger by pushing you off or treating you with superiority. He may humiliate you or show his anger in a different way. But I would say, that it's not so easy to push him to that point. If you know what he hates (for example lying to him, trying to control him, insulting him etc), you can avoid this easily.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

He has extremely good memory and remembers most details you mention. On the court he got used to catching and remembering every information that may be important, and that political skill is very useful in relationship as well (also, he cares about what you tell him, so don't think that he treats these informations just as a tool to control you)

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Okay, it may sound like an easy answer but I don't think he would choose just one? Every day is his favourite, as every brings something new to your relationship. It was great when he met you for the first time. Great, if not greater, when he started getting to know you closer. Or when you started dating. Or when you celebrated your bond. Or....

Every day develops your relationship and brings you new opportunities, so he can't simply choose.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

He isn't too worried about you, but not because he doesn't care. Just as a partner of heir to House Harkonnen, you are well protected - even if you aren't a formal couple due to political reasons. There are always guards and soldiers around, in case Feyd isn't there to help you. And in any case, he trained you and made sure that you're able to defend yourself.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Feyd himself isn't exactly the most romantic person so it depends on what you like. He's still very devoted to you, if i can call it that. Anyway, he would do anything (that doesn't go against his plans and desires, for example he wouldn't stop killing) to make you happy or to impress you so if you're into dates, anniversaries and other celebrations, he does it and he doesn't use half measures. As I mentioned in Q, he rembembers what you tell him, what you like and what you dream about so he makes sure that his gifts and dates fit your tastes. And he doesn't refuse to do something because it's too sweet or silly. If you like things he finds cheesy, he may just find it cute and an interesting break from his serious life and duties. The line is at keeping things that can hurt his reputation as a strong leader and warrior private.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Well, he's not an angel but some of his bad habits made you fell in love in him. And I will mention the one of the others, that may be a problem in relationship and life in general: recklessness. Yeah, it's cool when he's bold and like to take a risk, but he could care about his life more. He's a masochist, he's honourable and he likes to fight but it goes too far. Like when he fought Paul and after being stabbed he said only "you fought well, Atreides". Dude, I know you're horny for your cousin but maybe there are other ways to show it than dying with a smile. Every time I think about this scene, I understad how my bf feels when I do some careless impulsive shit.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

It's not the most important thing for him but he likes to look good. After premiere of 2023 movie I googled why does he have black teeth (other Harkonnens doesn’t so it's not genetic). Some people noticed that his "pets" have black teeth as well, and blood on Giedi Prime is black so it may be effect of cannibalism. It makes sense but personally I prefer theory that it's more a fashion thing. Actually in some cultures dyeing your teeth black is a sign of status. So I keep thinking that for youth on Giedi Prime dyeing teeth is like getting a tattoo or a piercing and Feyd may be an heir to powerful House and ruler of Arrakis, but he also wants to look cool while being one.

(Also it makes sense that neither his uncle nor older brother have black teeth. I imagine them being like my family every time I get another body mod. Or like my friend's older sister when they got a tattoo. "You think it looks cool Feyd? It's disgusting. And controversial. You will get bored soon. If you wanted to look good, you could just buy a new coat. No one will trust a baron with black teeth, you have to look normal in work")

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Well, it's a tough question but I suppose yes. I know that he seems cold and uncaring, people call him sociopath. And well, I have ASPD (which is a professional term for so called sociopathy), which results in low empathy (or lack of it). I also have suspected NPD, commonly known as narcissism. Sorry for that long personal rant but I have a good information for people who simp over characters like this. And I also like to fight the stigma and prejudices about personality disorders. Anyway, I can't speak for everyone, but despite myths of narcissists and sociopaths loving only themselves, I still can form close bonds with people. I don't feel what they feel, so I am not too worried when they are sad but in general I want them to be happy. And I lose someone (either because we broke up, they are away or they died), I may seem less moved but I still miss them and our time together. Anyway, I would consider Feyd to be similar. Without you, he will still go on. Find someone else, focus on his goals. World doesn't end on you. But he will miss you and he will try to keep you with him as much as he can. (I don't know if i sound clear or complicate things too much). Anyway, he's his own person and he can deal well on his own but you make his life much more pleasant.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Being underappreciated or feeling controlled. You may have an equal relationship with him, even though he may try to gain domination, it's possible to work on that power dynamic and get him to accept being equals. He even enjoys that challenge and somebody standing up to him. But Feyd wouldn’t stand being the one controlled and powerless. He would also hate if you saw him as weak and incapable leader or underappreciated his skills. You don't have to gush about everything he does, but you can praise him once now and then. Or just in any way, make him feel supported.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

I might be wrong but Feyd makes impression of those people who needs only a few hours of sleep and they are full of energy. Like my friend who in high school one day said "you know what? I discovered today that sleeping more than three hours is an amazing experience" and I was like. How. How are you alive.

#feyd rautha #dune part two #feyd x reader #feyd rautha x reader #feyd rautha harkonnen #feyd rautha headcannons #feyd rautha imagine #dune imagine

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fategoflatass · 1 year ago

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I used to be so against the slow burn trope. Not because I thought it was shit; it's just, I usually don't have the patience to wait whatever-amount-superior-to-three damn chapters for my dear ship to finally be able to look at each other without blushing and/or hold hands. Thus why you often times see me reading oneshots or fics with the "Established Relationship" tag on them.

So you can imagine just how surprised—or maybe not, maybe I just didn't think enough about it—I was when I realized my newest fixation's main pairing is—canonically—the embodiment of slow burn. Because holy shit they're taking their time.

Nothing against how Kusuriya develops its love story—quite the opposite, actually. The relationship between Jinshi and Maomao, two characters that are written as beautifully as their romance, is a rather realistic approach as to how the same or a similar dynamic would developed in real life. In such a complicated situation, with such complex feelings about emotions—both external and their own—and attachment, makes sense that it takes so long for the relationship to finally sail.

The problem is, I didn't know I was signing with the Devil the moment I decided to pick up the light novel. Ten volumes and nothing has happened. Nothing.

And you can say that technically things have happened, because they have. I mean, Jinshi is just so desperate for Maomao to give him the time of day, you know what I mean? And even that isn't enough anymore and thus he has committed some of the craziest shit I've seen in any romance. Which okay, I don't usually read these type of romances but still.

What I mean by "nothing" is just, their relationship hasn't changed status. I could also say that it seems to go nowhere, but that'd be lying. Since, you know, it has changed quite a lot—just not in the way my impatient ass wanted it to. Because he can be as honest with his feelings as he pleases, and those around them might be heavely conscious of the tension and thus constantly tease those lovebirds (as they should), but babygirl's not helping, you know?

And I get it, Maomao's not the best at expressing and understanding herself, and she's also way too busy worrying about going as unnoticed as possible (she should give up on that one already, tbh) while keeping her head where it should be. But like, I can't help feeling frustrated over it like ‼‼

GIRL, FUCK THE RULES. TAKE THAT PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A MAN AND RUNAWAY SOMEWHERE NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY YOU. YOU THEN CARRY THAT BITCH BRIDESTYLE TO THE CLOSEST CHURCH AND MAKE HIM YOUR WIFE. PROCEED TO FROG AROUND, EXPERIMENT WITH YOUR UTERUS AS MUCH AS YOU'D LIKE, AND THEN TEACH THE PRODUCTS OF YOUR PRACTICES AS YOUR OWN GUINEA PIG THE WAYS OF HERBAL MEDICINE. AS EASY AS THAT.

But she won't. She'll take her sweet ass time being in denial about both Jinshi's and her own feelings, then maybe she'll proceed to analize herself and find out that maybe, just maybe, that affection that she'd been feeling for that loser became something else. Did said affection also become something more complicated? Absolutely. Does she know how to deal with it? Hell no, but fuck it. If I learned something from school is that you always leave the hardest parts for later.

Now you see why I was so against reading slow burn?

And you wanna know the worst part? I loved it—I loved every second of it, every word, every page. Every scene that seemed to help the relationship advance, only for Maomao to say nope and leave like she owns the place, which at this point she fucking might.

It feels like I, as the reader, am in the middle of a heatwave and some sadistic bastard won't stop teasing me with ice cream—they put it in front of my face, close enough that I can smell the cold. Then take a spoon and eat little by little while staring directly to my eyes. At times they seem to show mercy and feed me a spoon, only for it to be a rather small quantity of serving—serving that tastes so damn good at first, only for it to have such a bitter aftertaste. But if I gotta have something in common with Jinshi is that I'll never be able to beat the masochist allegations, so I'll wait patiently for the next spoon and its corresponding and seemingly enless teasing from that faceless being.

So yeah, I'm still against it, only that now I understand the appeal—even if I have yet to find out about the whereabouts of my sanity while still mananing with the little I've left.

#kusuriya no hitorigoto #the apothecary diaries #jinmao #mai.txt #long post #rant #?#did i just write a rant about a realisticly slow burning romance? yes #please understand i've no one to complain to about them #so i better let go these feelings before i explode and throw my pc out of the window or something #i tried being as spoiler free as possible but please tell me if i should change anything about... whatever this is

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phoenixyfriend · 1 year ago

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A lot has been happening today that rep calls could affect. UN vetoes, KOSA, Julian Assange, UNRWA's funding crisis and Israel's demands that it be completely dismantled, the large number of bills we just learned are on the docket for the coming week, and even the good news that is recent successes by the BDS movement.

And like... I care about this stuff. I want to talk about it. But it takes an emotional and mental toll to do it, and it takes time, and... there are two reasons to write up reference, update, information posts:

Compensation. I'm not a journalist, but if I were, I would in theory be getting paid for the information I collect and share to my audience. However, I am not, and am doing this for free. I have gotten maybe $5 in donations since I started this project, and while I recognize that this is probably because people are (quite rightly) donating instead to Palestinian charities or local campaigns or something, it's a basic fact that I am not actually being compensated for this work.

Promoting change and activism. This is in fact my main goal: to have a positive impact on current events by giving people a guide on the news and politics because there's so much happening that's hard to keep track of, and if I'm already doom-listening to half a dozen political podcasts, I might as well save other people the trouble, right?

The thing is, like... most of the reblogs on my guidelines and helpful posts are from me, to me. I am the one reblogging. I am desperately trying to get these things to circulate so I can make a difference, but... no dice. Some of the posts are admittedly pretty long (my 'how to call your reps, here's some verbiage' post is 3.4k words), and I can imagine some people are saving it for later, and then maybe forget, or they don't want to share something controversial, and like... I do get that. I do.

But it does mean the posts aren't circulating, and thus they're having less of an impact, and I can't help but feel like there are other things I could be doing to help that would be more effective. More bang for my buck, except it's my time and effort instead of my money. Like, maybe it would have more an effect if I hunted down a wider variety of elected officials I could bother instead of instructing other people on how to bother theirs? Maybe going to protests (which would be a huge commitment due to distance) would be more effective than trying to help ensure that the effectiveness of "I actually have a vote and you are losing it" of calls has the weight of numbers behind it.

Especially since I did try to blaze it, and tumblr mods rejected the post. I don't know why. It's not against ToS, since none of it was disinformation or election interference, which is the only reason given on the FAQ for why things might not be approved for blazing, but who knows.

Maybe tumblr just decided the possible blowback on them for blazing a pro-ceasefire post would be too much.

I don't know. I just... it's just really disheartening to try to help and it gets stymied because, as much effort as it might be, it doesn't reach more than a (comparatively) tiny audience, especially when my relatively low-effort polls and shitposts get easily ten times as many notes with way less energy put in.

EDIT: This is not a post that I need to have reblogged. this is just me bitching. This a vent post. What I am asking people to reblog is my activism posts that I spend hours on to try and help nudge things in a better direction. Please reblog THOSE. This one doesn't need reblogging unless you have an actual comment. Reblogging this post just to reblog, with neither useful comment nor encouragement, is not helping me with my issue of 'not paid, not making an impact' or helping with any important causes.

#personal #vent post #phoenix politics

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copperbadge · 1 year ago

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Hi, please ignore if this is too personal, but as someone with Jewish ancestors who is considering conversion, I'd love to know your reasons for converting? For me it's more about community and reconnecting with that part of my family (there's a complicated family history there) than about religious belief, but I'm worried that might not be enough of a reason, if you know what I mean?

I don't know, I think conversion to Judaism is hard enough that if you don't have "enough" of a reason, you'll find out -- but I also think that one doesn't have to have a "sufficient" reason to convert to any faith which allows it, just determination and respect. If you want a connection to your ancestors and community, that's a very powerful motivation. And if it's not enough to sustain you through conversion, that's still a huge self-discovery for you, and while some practice should remain closed, you can still connect through things like traditionally Jewish foods and appreciation for Jewish art and culture.

For me, it's not that it's too personal, but it's difficult to vocalize; often when I'm asked about converting there's an assumption that I'm marrying a Jewish person, and when I say no, I usually add, "I just hear a call." Which admittedly is much more often said by Christians joining a ministry, but it's the most truthful I know how to be in short. Something in Judaism speaks to something in me. I have very little Jewish ancestry (although every time the DNA websites reevaluate their calculations it ticks up a percentage point, which is hilarious to me; I'm up from 2% to 6% currently) but the attitude towards the divine, the strength of tradition, the respect for learning, they all speak to my soul.

Even the hard stuff -- content in Torah or Talmud that I find difficult to reconcile with modern sensibility -- is at least something to challenge me, and Judaism is a faith that encourages argument, so I'm allowed to have a critical opinion of it. I think a lot about a quote I read from someone (possibly a reader, if so I am so sorry I can't find your name in my memory) who said, "I keep kosher, but sometimes I eat bacon when I'm mad at G-d." I think a lot about my Methodist confirmation class, where I was almost kicked out because I thought the Parable of the Wedding Feast was stupid and continued to argue against it after, realistically, I should have stopped; if it had been a class for a Bar Mitzvah, we might have been allowed to really examine it instead of glancing across it awkwardly and moving on. (As I found out years later, it was basically about how anyone can be a Christian but Jews should be punished for refusing to convert, so you know. Even as a kid I was very Jewish in my approach to theology and knew anti-Semitic propaganda when I heard it.)

I like that so many of the traditions involve things that I find compelling: bread, fire, water, the written word, the cycle of the harvest. I like that there's a search for truth and precision in Jewish scholarship, and that scholarship often seems to reward a neurodiverse approach to faith and study. As someone committed to philanthropy and versed in radical compassion, the exhortation to care for others baked into every foundational Jewish text is also very attractive. Some of the prayers I find viscerally satisfying (particularly the Traveler's Prayer, for some reason).

I find faith in a single divine entity extremely difficult, but one of the first things that got me to seriously consider Judaism (something I'd already been interested in) was being told that you can be an atheist Jew. To be able to commit to a faith community while still struggling with faith itself feels special to me. Whether a divine entity caused the miracle of the oil we celebrate this time of year is immaterial to me; the beauty of the narrative, the righteous rebellion rewarded with eight nights of light, is enough for me.

I might never finish conversion; realistically while I've done a lot of studying I still haven't worked extensively with a rabbi on a conversion path, and I do not call myself a Jew and won't until I complete conversion (I do observe a lot of the holidays and prayers, but mainly because that's generally advice to converts, so they can understand the demands of the faith and the myriad issues with being Publicly Jewish). But that's fine too; Judaism has been around for thousands of years, it'll wait for me, and if I never convert I'm still enjoying the journey.

#judaism #conversion

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ordinaryschmuck · 1 month ago

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Why I Love The Owl House: Part Six-Praises, Problems, and Perotations

Prev Part

…Perotations is a synonym for “Conclusions.” Had to stretch for illiteracy, there…Anyways.

Salutations, random people on the internet who are already skimming past this! I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.

Here it is, friends and followers. The very last thing I have to say about The Owl House. Or things, plural. You see, this isn’t like the previous parts. In the past, we’ve discussed the show in every possible aspect all while circulating around a common theme, whether it’d be the characters, their relationships, the arcs, and the messages that the series is trying to tell. However, there’s a lot more to discuss about The Owl House than just those four things. It’s just difficult to find a theme for each topic because, well, I don’t have much left to say. That and there’s nothing these last few points have in common with each other to lump into a shared post. So this final part of this whole long ass thing is sort of me just me listing out the last few praises and problems I have with the series before reaching that perotation. And yes, I’m still sticking with perotation. Might as well commit.

Also, to keep things fair, each praise I give the show will be immediately followed up with a nitpick—I mean, problem. That’s how it’s gonna go for this whole part, as we go back and forth from praise to problem, praise to problem, and so on and so forth until we reach the end. We’re in the homestretch here, folks, so let’s stop stalling and finally wrap up a review that’s three years in the making as I finally answer WHY I love The Owl House.

Praise: It rewards multiple rewatches

That’s the best thing to say about a serialized show like The Owl House. Knowing about big reveals or the direction of the story is going helps make rewatching it a little more fun. You get to pick up on all the little clues that the writers left behind or how moments can be recontextualized. There’s little stuff like how Amity tried running away from Luz in the ROMANCE section of the library or the proud look in Alador’s eye as Amity fends off the abomaton, showing that there were ideas that the crew were planning to set up but left behind these hints, both subtle and not, and making fans realize that the writers thought that far ahead (Most of the time). Even the little things like seeing a Grom poster in the background in an episode leaves a nice teaser for something fun that’s to come while making fans smile at that particular attention to detail.

But it gets better with the bigger reveals. Raine especially is a great example of this, as they have two big moments that recontextualize how they interact with Eda in previous episodes. In “Eda’s Requiem,” it’s clear that there’s some romantic tension between the two, with Eda particularly being a blushing mess. It leads viewers to believe that the two share feelings for each other, but never admit it, with a few fans even joking that Eda isn’t that suave if she’s so flustered around an old crush. Then in the VERY NEXT EPISODE, we learn that Eda and Raine aren’t old crushes but are instead exes. It makes all the romantic tension in that episode feel more engaging now that you have that information in mind, as it tells you that these two still have feelings for each other, with Eda’s being the strongest seeing how she didn’t want the relationship to end but willing to keep quiet because she’s not willing to admit it. It’s a great utilization of recontextualization that makes the text more engaging, with the crazy part being the writers do it AGAIN in the same season. In “Follies of the Coven Day Parade,” we’re led to believe that Raine’s brainwashed by some potion Terra gives them, with Eda’s attempts to break Raine out looking like they’re WORKING but not hard enough. The biggest sign that Eda broke through was a tear from Raine, but even then it didn’t look like much as Raine went right back to chugging Terra’s concoction. Only for “Them’s the Breaks, Kid” to reveal that Raine was NEVER under any hypnosis or spell. They used bard magic to change the mixture with just a whistle, which we see Raine do when they first drink something Terra gave them. Not only is that a brilliant case of laying down the groundwork for a bigger reveal down the road, but it makes all of Raine’s actions in that episode have an extra sense of drama to them as we now know they’re faking being brainwashed and are trying to push Eda away from the oncoming conflict. “Follies at the Coven Day Parade” is already an engaging episode, especially with the Eda and Raine subplot alone, but the prior knowledge of what’s really going on with Raine just gives it an extra bit of edge that it didn’t even need but I’m appreciative of it anyway.

The same applies when fan theories turn out to be true. Now, there were a LOT of crackpot theories in this fandom, some of them going so far as believing that Luz would be possessed by The Collector (Remember that?). As for other theories, the show didn’t have much that was as big as that. There was Hunter being a grimwalker, but the show basically spelled that out to us with how it practically shoved that spell book into our faces. There was King being a Titan, but that originally felt like a crack theory based on the SLIGHTEST things with no follow through only for the show to give us all the information we needed in one fell swoop. The only real theory that had any weight, large in part because the clues felt subtle enough to glance over and were frequent enough to remind fans of its possibility, is Belos being Philip/a human. I personally picked up on the possibility as early as “Young Blood, Old Souls.” He didn’t cast spells like other witches and his staff and parts of his robe looked more mechanical than magical. It made me think he had no natural magic of his own and, with humans being the only beings who lacked magic, the logical conclusion was that HE might be human too. Sure, his face revealed he had pointy ears, but they were noticeably smaller than most witches. Almost as if he sliced up his own ears to help make them look more like a witch’s. And I know you can’t SHOW something like that in a kid’s show, but you can heavily imply it…which the series did through a portrait in Belos’ mind. Regardless, the show always left the validity of the theory as a possibility, with new information being thrown into the mix of whether Belos used to be Philip. They certainly sounded similar and, upon meeting Philip, a lot more of the pieces started to fall into place. His charm, inflections, and demeanor all pointed to the signs that these two were the same guy, with “Hollow Mind” only confirming it to the audience. With all this proper build up and explanations of who Belos is and why he acts in a certain way, not only does it make forming and reforming the theory more fun, but it makes rewatching Belos’ actions become more engaging as you get a better idea of what he’s going for. We know why he’s vague about his plans for the Day of Unity, why he treats Hunter so disrespectfully, and why he wants a portal to the Human Realm. It makes an already threatening villain more vile and intriguing all because we know exactly who he is, rewarding fans who already got close to predicting the truth by giving them more than what they bet on.

This is the fun of watching a show like The Owl House. With its tight continuity and story consistently building off of itself, it makes you appreciate all the finer details and see how it all mostly lines up. Not everything was planned out, but, for the stuff that was, it makes rewatching the series feel better and better as you know the writers spent so much time making sure everything they make lines up perfectly as they could. By knowing the truth, it can make fans appreciate even the TINIEST of moments in Season One that would HEIGHTEN the experience once you you got to Season Three…Unfortunately, though, there is ONE thing that the writers didn’t fully work out, to the point where it kind of breaks the series when we get to that final season.

Problem: The timeline is all kinds of wonky

I don’t mean all the stuff in the past. Caleb running away with Evelyn, Belos’ rise to power, Eda’s curse and all the consequences that came with it all line up well enough. What I’m talking about is all the things that happened in the present. From “A Lying Witch and a Warden” to “Thanks to Them,” a lot of the show’s attempts at making a timeline of events falls short.

At first, it seemed that they were doing a good job of it. They said that “I Was a Teenage Abomination” and “Covention” were a week apart from each other, with the same being the case with the ladder episode and “Lost in Language.” There, the writers were explicitly giving us an exact timeline of events, being relatively easy to follow. But either they realized that they’re making the summer move along a little faster or they stopped caring about consistency, because they stopped mapping things out after “Lost in Language.” From there on, the writers become noticeably vague about how far apart these events occurred. “Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances” has Luz assume that summer is over, so it’s definitely been months since the first episode, meaning we’re probably in Fall…but then it gets trickier. Because by the end of “Reaching Out,” it shows us this calendar next to Camila that it’s currently the last week of August. Now, some summer camps don’t last the WHOLE summer, I’m sure…But Camila, in the very first episode, specifically said, “The next THREE MONTHS will fly by.” If it’s been three months, depending on the school Luz went to, we would be in August by “Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances.” However, it’s weird that we’re STILL in August in “Reaching Out.” In order for that to make sense, every episode after “Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances” would be a day apart from each other. Is that plausible? Probably. But ONLY if camp ended at the exact time as “Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances.” What we saw in the ending could have been a few days, maybe a week at some random point of August.

And even IF events were a day apart, that still wouldn’t work. Assuming it’s the middle of August, that either has not enough episodes or not enough days. And even then, to think that all of these episodes, EACH ONE, takes place a day after the other is INSANE. It definitely doesn’t do Hunter’s redemption arc any favors if it took less than a month to change his perception of reality. Plus, something Raine said in “Follies at the Coven Day Parade” makes things MORE confusing. They said they’ve spent a MONTH in bed. Could be a part of the “brainwashing” that’s making them say that, but still, a month WHEN? A month BEFORE or AFTER “Eda’s Requiem?” Because if it was a month BEFORE, why would the Emperor’s Coven make Raine think they’ve been taken care of BEFORE becoming an official Bard Head? And if it’s a month AFTER, then HOW?! IS IT?! STILL AUGUST?! I’m telling you, it HURTS the brain to think about, and it hurts even MORE when there’s a frickin’ scrap book in “Thanks to Them” that explicitly says the Hexsquad spent a SUMMER together, WHICH THE PHOTOS PROVE TO BE ACCURATE! When’s the last time you’ve seen people go to the beach in the mid to late September? Or go tubing when we’re getting close to October? Or relaxing in the sun or enjoying your time in the garden when it’s the middle of FALL?! The math is NOT mathing in this scenario, and it really almost breaks the series.

Now, the question is this: HOW did this happen? Well, there are two theories, one generous and the other reasonable. The generous theory is that, given most of the timeline started getting broken in the second half of Season Two, it’s possible that this was a result of the story getting shortened (Yes, I’m playing that card. Stick with me). The writers confirmed that the first half of Season Two was already written and put into production before Disney decided we can’t have nice things and shortened the series. There were a LOT of things that were likely to happen in that longer version of The Owl House, with a “summer” in the human realm being something they thought up as a way to make the story more interesting despite the constrained time limit. However, like I said, that’s being generous. Because the reality, in what I can assume, is that writers didn’t do the math right and failed to properly communicate with the art department. Stuff like the calendar and scrapbook is something made by the background, prop, and storyboard artists, likely trying to clean things up and add more fun to the story, only for it to turn out that they didn’t get the proper notes they needed. The results…doesn’t fundamentally destroy the series, but it does break things everytime you think about it. If you’re not paying attention, you won’t be bothered by any of it, but if the only solution is to tell people not to think about something in the series that’s so broken…is a bit of an unfair suggestion to make. You can’t tell people to ignore something wrong with the story, no matter how good the rest of it is. It’s still worth being brought up, even if it’s something small that turns into something BIGGER down the line. That way, it could help future writers, or people working on this show moving onto bigger things, to avoid facing a similar issue and make the NEXT story end up being a little less broken…But I can tell you what ISN’T broken in THIS series.

Praise: The Characters all feel solid.

“What does that even mean?”

Good question! Because I don’t know.

Yeah, this one’s more based on a FEELING I get when watching the show. It’s something I notice when watching it alongside Amphibia, Gravity Falls, or most other 2D shows. It’s even something I noticed with MoringMark’s comics, which often nails a close approximation of the show’s art style, but SOMETHING always felt a little off. And it’s not when looking at the show do I realize the reason WHY is because The Owl House has a certain…volume to it. Like, I can almost TOUCH these characters when they’re on screen. As for how, again, I have no idea. It could be how the characters are colored, the weight in their lines, the way they’re shaded, or even the ways they’re meant to move. I don’t know how or why The Owl House accomplishes this feeling I get from it, but I feel like it’s something worth mentioning, even if briefly.

See? Not every part of this final review will be long winded. Sometimes, I just gotta bring up small things that enough people talk about, to show how I appreciate The Owl House in most facets. Certainly helps when I bring up something that might get people angry.

Problem: The animation’s a bit too stiff at times

Not all the time, mind you. There are a lot of scenes where the series goes all out and adds so much fluidity in such a short scene. The problem comes when you realize how great THOSE scenes look causes the rest of the show to…NOT look like that.

To be clear, the animation’s not AWFUL. I’d say more times than not, the show looks good. It’s just that you can see where most of the budget went into for certain scenes. It’s a tactic that action oriented shows use all the time, to have the dialogue heavy and character focused scenes be slow and stiff so that they can save the best work on the weekly fight scenes. However…The Owl House isn’t an action oriented series. It’s a fully character driven one, as I’ve thoroughly established for five frickin’ parts now. There are only a handful of big fight scenes, with only a quarter of them having that smooth as butter animation. Yeah, while hype up the big battles like Eda’s duel with Lilith, there’s actually SOME fights where it’s the usual standard for the rest of the series, looking a bit stiff and slow. Sometimes, the same episode can have different animation for fights, with “Follies at the Coven Day Parade” having a stiff fight between Eda and Raine and a smooth one with Luz and Amity teaming up against Kikimora. The difference is noticeable and, the crazy thing is, I don’t dislike either battle, regardless of its quality. I think both are still good in their own right, but the noticeable difference sticks out and makes you realize…how the rest of the series looks. Again, it’s still good, especially in Season Two where it feels like most of the stiffness got cleaned up a bit. It’s just a thing where, despite how good some things look, it makes one almost feel that they’re watching a different show when it suddenly turns up the quality. It feels weird that the show looking amazing is a problem, but it only is when it sticks out like a sore thumb…That being said, though, the show DOES look frickin’ awesome when it wants to.

Praise: It has AWESOME fight scenes and cool uses of magic.

Is this contradictory? Only a little. And, to be fair, while there are times when the FLUID fight scenes DO stick out, they deserve all the praise in the world. Because unlike a certain book series that has magical fights in it, there’s more of an attempt to go NUTS with the action outside of “I’m pointing my wand as hard as I can!” Shout out to How It Should Have Ended for nailing that, by the way, because…Yeah, it’s accurate. If the best magical action you can come up with is characters pointing their wands at each other, it’s not really that visually compelling. Now, for The Owl House, you get a LOT more than pointing wands. You have characters dashing themselves away from big, magical blasts. Abomination goop being used as a shield, fists, or swords. Our plucky protagonist flying at the seat of her pants to try and defend herself from an evil emperor throwing everything he has at her. When the series wants to go hard, it does, regardless of how noticeable the quality difference is. And I appreciate the fact that The Owl House crew try so hard to make all magic that characters can do look awesome, regardless of it being an action scene or not. Outside of Oracle Magic, which never really got that much of a spotlight, all the other eight magical tracks are often shown to be–To put it bluntly–super cool. “Eda’s Requiem” has a ton of moments like that with bard magic, giving us an actual idea of what it’s capable of and, albeit briefly with a guard putting on earmuffs, imply that it’s limited by people being able to HEAR the tunes bards play. Plus, the final act shows the capabilities of Abomination and Beast Keeping Magic with Darius being able to teleport people with goop and morph his body into goo while Eberwolf has better tracking skills and being able to summon beasts. Sure, it adds intensity to the scene and proves just how powerful these two are, but it also shows us–Without telling us–what their magic types can do and how powerful one can get with a type of skill. Even something as simple as Viney casting a shield through healing magic or Bria making stone columns through construction is enough to tell the audience what we need to know about these types of magic and infer what ELSE witches like them can do in their respective tracks. It creates fun speculation on top of making the magic more interesting to watch as compared to the film adaptations of the unspoken book series. You should know which one by now.

However, as cool as the magic CAN be, how it’s casted could use some more punching up.

Problem: The magic system is kind of boring.

KIND OF. There being eight magic tracks is interesting and, as established, how those different magical spells are used can look visually intriguing. They definitely avoided the problem of characters just pointing wands for a fight, but they ran into this new issue of how the magic is casted. For every spell in every single track…it’s just the characters drawing circles. Sometimes big circles, sometimes small circles, and sometimes multiple circles at once. The only time a circle isn’t drawn is when a character uses a staff…most of the time. Even then, there are instances when a circle needs to be drawn, even if they’re not as frequent as a character casting magic without a staff. And I’m not gonna lie, this is an issue I’ve had since the first few episodes of Season One. It’s just such an uninteresting way for characters to cast magic, especially since it’s done by everybody, regardless of what spell it is. And you wanna know the worst part is? The show offers a more INTERESTING magic system than what most witches have.

Luz’s glyphs, much more than the spells, sucked in a lot of fans’ attention. There were people drawing their own ideas for glyphs that matched what COULD be in the show, or coming up with possible combinations when Season Two established that glyph combos are a possibility. And the reason WHY is because the glyphs are a more fascinating concept. They offer more variety of what they can do for Luz, and look more visually interesting than a circle in the air. What also benefits the glyphs are the limitations they have. They can do anything Luz wants, but she has to draw them EXACTLY as they’re meant to. No line can be out of place, and the circle has to be perfect every single time. Amity proved what happens if you draw the glyph wrong in “Reaching Out,” and that was just with ONE glyph. When it comes to drawing glyph combos, not only do you need to combine the right kinds of glyphs with a specific amount, but you need to draw them in a specific way. It’s more than just drawing two glyphs on the same page, it’s drawing one on one part of a circle that connects it to another. It’s complicated, and gets more so, depending on the spell. Belos’ teleportation glyph proves that you need more than paper to draw the whole thing out. And that’s not getting into the other limitations Luz has with glyphs, like how the invisibility glyph can only work for as long as the user holds their breath. That’s a cool concept and makes one wonder how other glyphs can be limited despite the power they present. Which is more than I can say about spell circles.

Spell circles are just missing that little extra OOMPH. It’s interesting that performing magic is more like a skill that a person needs to train themselves how to do. Like learning how to whistle or learning how to balance on one leg. Nothing strenuous, but nothing easy, either. Plus, the fact that there’s occasional strain from doing a spell too big or characters collapsing after doing one for too long does at least SHOW that magic’s not easy to do. It just doesn’t always LOOK hard, not from a viewer’s perspective. Maybe if something like Beast Keepers needed to make claw marks in the air or Plant Witches needed to draw squiggly lines to mimic vines. Or even if a spell requires a different colored circle, and being able to mix spells means you have to draw a variety of circles. Just…ANYTHING to make it seem like there’s more of an effort outside of drawing circles, all while impressing audiences with how cool the magic system could be. It doesn’t kill the show in any way, but it does feel like there could have been more creativity. It’d be difficult, but the show isn’t afraid to present something engaging through visuals. And not just through the fight scenes…

Praise: The show does great at showing development through outward appearances.

It might not be on the same level as an epic action scene, but this IS a nice attention to detail. You know why you often see characters wearing the same clothes in every episode, often with little variety? It’s because doing so makes it easier for the animators, giving them a sense of consistency to know how to draw a character each time throughout the series, only changing it up for one episode, specific scenes, or even a quick gag. So to either make a permanent or even gradual change to the character’s design as we reach a certain point in the story, it’s got to take a great attention to detail and continuity to make the change stay. Not only that, but there has to be a GOOD reason to do it. Sometimes, there isn’t. Like, for Eda, I feel as though some higher ups started to discover the lewd art fans were making and told the animators to show less skin on her (Didn’t work, they just made her look hotter). And for Gus, it’s just because the voice of his VA started getting deeper so they gave the character an older design to reflect that…even though, to this day, it makes me question what the hell “witch puberty” is. But while those are small cases that are either done “just because” or “for convenience,” there are some design changes that are often used to help tell the story and show how characters have grown and developed through the course of the series.

In a more permanent case, you have King and Amity. In “Echos of the Past,” King regains a piece of his old horn that Luz then glues back onto him…It’s weird that the horn fits perfectly and that it continues to grow as he ages, but, eh. He’s a baby god. There’s probably some god magic they’re that we’re not aware of.

Regardless of how the horn’s apparently magic, there’s significance to why this horn is now reattached to King. In that episode, he learns that there’s this new part of himself and his history that he wasn’t aware of before. Because of that, he wants to TRY to connect to his roots, even though he doesn’t know who or WHAT he is. Having his horn back is the first step in that journey, making him look more like what he EXPECTS his species to look like. It’s a small thing, but it still does so much to represent King’s character and the journey he’s about to take.

As for Amity, her big change is a bit more significant. After finally wanting to be her own person, she decided to change her hair to help reflect that. Instead of a colder shade of green that makes Amity look like her mother, Amity had it dyed into a warmer shade of lavender. Even how Amity has her hair made up offers this more welcoming appearance as opposed to looking like a smaller Odalia. Whether Anity wears her hair long or short, it frames her face in a much friendlier manner, showing off how much she grew into a kinder person. When I often think of Amity, I think of the nicer young lady with adorable cotton candy hair, as opposed to the snarkier, more intense teen with a colder appearance. It actually breaks my brain a little when I rewatch earlier Season One episodes, because I don’t associate that look with Amity anymore, let alone her behavior. It proves how much she’s changed, inside and out, all while trying to be her own person instead of a carbon copy of someone worse. Sure, the change was a bit jarring and, admittedly, I missed the green hair upon the big reveal, but it’s a necessary change to make the fandom’s favorite white girl happy. It’s not like everyone can have a more gradual change like the fandom’s favorite white boy.

Hunter’s interesting because he’s the only character in the show who has a different appearance in almost every episode. Whether it’s something subtle like a new emblem being added to his cape or something drastic like…whatever you could call his outfit in “Labyrinth Runners.” Either way, he never really sticks to the same style, and that’s fine. His whole character is about discovering himself and who he wants to be instead of becoming the soldier and symbol Belos wanted. It’s why, during the final season, he starts wearing messier, looser clothing that is an outcry to the more professional outfits he went for. And while he ends the series the most scarred he’s ever been, it’s a nice detail that it looks like Hunter is the happiest he’s ever lived through his smile, lack of eye bags, and more loose body movement. It’s a mix of subtle and obvious details that showed how Hunter became a changed person despite all the hardships he went through. It’s beautiful and he’s not the only character that goes through this kind of change.

When I saw what Lilith looked like in the past, and how the bright vibrancy clashed with Lilith’s cold presence in the present, I was hopeful that her road to redemption would be her trying to look more like her old self. And while her redemption was rushed in more ways than one, it is great that the art team did lean into the idea of Lilith slowly shedding her old design for a warmer, kinder one. She ditches a proper set of robes for some spare rags Eda had laying around, eventually gained a uniform when she found stability in her life, allowing her hair to curl once more while adding a pair of specs, and ends the series with her red hair fully returning. At the start, she looked like the most blatantly evil antagonist with how much darkness encompassed her design. By the time skip, she still wears those cold colors, but the short orange hair, the specs, and even how loose that outfit looks gives this sort of eccentric professor appearance. Sort of like she’s Miss Frizzle’s cousin, but one that goes against dressing brightly and colorfully. It definitely fits the vibe Lilith’s current personality goes for, and it works. It’s another case of a character’s improved behavior reflecting in their appearance. However, sometimes the show can do well in the opposite direction by showing how WORSE a character has gotten.

Luz and Belos are the main instances of this. Luz was more brief, as she looked disheveled during “Thanks to Them.” Her clothes were baggier, her smile is basically gone, and it looks like she’s stopped caring about herself or her appearance. It perfectly shows us the mental and emotional state that Luz is in throughout the special, caused by her stress and guilt formed by Belos’ manipulation. Speaking of, through the final season, Belos gradually looks more monstrous and decayed as he continues his quest to kill all witches. It appropriately reveals how much of his true self started taking physical form and overshadowing the charismatic manipulator, all while his body melts and breaks apart to show that time is catching up with him every second. It’s the best kind of visual representation of what Belos has become and this final season will be his final moments. Both him and Luz have perfect visual representation for how worse they got this season, even if Luz’s change was more temporary than Belos’. But, even then, she spends the rest of the season dressed as her hero Azura, making her look like everything she wanted to be in the Boiling Isles as she gains determination to save it. So even though this season started with Luz at her worst, she still managed to evolve into becoming her best self while Belos continued to devolve into his worst self. There’s some hero/villain symbolism for ya.

The art and animation team work their hardest in making the show look as good as they possibly could, often aiding the equally great writing. Changing up the characters outfits and designs can say so much without needing the characters to say anything at all. It’s the perfect cooperation of writing and animation that makes some of the best animated shows function so well. In this case, it offered a great attention to the story at play and made for great visuals at the same time…Though, those same visuals aren’t exactly PERFECT…

Problem: The color scheme is a little off.

“That seems subjective.”

Oh, it’s VERY subjective. I’m not one who knows color theory or what some colors represent (Honestly, I find the whole thing nonsensical). I’m a guy who goes off of gut feeling and thinking to myself “Do these assortment of colors look good?” And the colors in The Owl House don’t look AWFUL, as there’s never a point where I feel like the show is unwatchable. I’ve seen uglier looking works of fiction, all because the creator or director thought it might “improve” the film. Whether it’s to hide the obvious CGI or because the director wanted to match the “grittiness” of the real world, there have been clearer cases where artistic expression or intent tends to harm how a show looks. Even things I like, such as Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss, run into the problem where the red and black characters tend to blend too much in the red and black backgrounds. I get that we’re in Hell and the shows often look gorgeous otherwises, but holy hell this must be torture for people who are colorblind. But again, The Owl House never gets THAT bad, even though it matches a similar intent.

Dana Terrace wanted to make a magical world that isn’t as pretty as your usual fare. Doing that means you have to avoid using bright and inviting colors, allowing viewers to appreciate the beauty in what others considered ugly. A nice sentiment, sure, and they don’t completely use unappealing colors. For the most part, the orange, red, and browns of this world create this sort of Fall atmosphere, while the blues, greens, and also browns of certain creatures and characters look devilish and/or ghoulish. The intent is clear and it’s not a bad look at all, but there’s something a little off going on.

I THINK it’s how the colors mix with the characters? It’s hard to explain, but when I look at a character like Gus, who frequently wears his Hexside uniform, something is off. Like…the cold blues and blacks of his uniform clash with the warm hues around him. Or how something like Willow’s original casual outfit had colors that blended in the rest of the world. Or how Luz’s bright white and purple hoodie contrasts her dark jeans and leggings. I guess what I’m getting at is that the colors of the character’s outfits are the problem? They either clash or blend in, to my eyes, at least. Again, NOT a color theorist, I’m probably just talking out of my ass here and going too much into detail about something that’s basically a nitpick. The colors of The Owl House don’t ruin the show for me, I still like the majority of how it looks. This is just a little thing that stops me, personally, from saying it looks perfect. Don’t take it too seriously, this is, again, totally subjective. It’d be the same as me complaining about the show’s comedy or music…Speaking of the music, though, I have NO complaints regarding that.

Praise: The Music is amazing.

Told ya.

And again, this is totally subjective. A show’s soundtrack is either going to strike a chord in you (ha) or not. And while The Owl House doesn’t have an AMAZING score, it’s still one that often fills me with delight no matter what episode I’m watching. Composers TJ Hill and Brad Breeck do a great job in giving The Owl House its own sound. There’s themes that can fit a certain character, like with how The Collector has this very bouncy yet very off-putting base whenever they’re doing wacky nonsense. There are also motifs that suit a relationship, like how Luz and Amity had this little tune that got warmer and gentler as the two got closer to becoming an pair. And, there are cases where there are songs that play just for a certain episode or theme, like that beat that played during “Echoes of the Past” when Jean-Luc was on screen. There’s a lot of effort put into the music of the series like there is in a lot of the show, and it’s often pleasant to the ears like how the visuals are pleasant to the eyes. There’s a total of ONE case where the score got a little lazy and that’s when they played the same track for when Lumity became canon during the scene where Gus introduces Cosmic Frontier to Hunter. That’s a very specific score that never got used again, and works well for the FIRST scene it’s used in. To reuse it for such a minimal moment is baffling, but it’s at least the ONLY time the composers did it. In a lot of other cases, they go hard with the instrumentals, with TJ Hill’s theme for the show being a pretty good listen. Wouldn’t rank it among some of the best theme songs for cartoons, but definitely better than most.

The closest I can find to a problem with the show’s music, outside of the one weird reuse of a specific track, is that it almost sounds TOO similar to Gravity Falls. Like, if you were to play a few notes from the background, half the time, it’s gonna take me a minute to figure out if it’s from The Owl House or Gravity Falls. I can let it go, of course, because both shows share a composer and The Owl House has a bit more of a…magical feeling to its sound, I guess. You know it when you listen closely, and it helps give The Owl House more of that unique feeling…But since I brought up similarities, there’s more to notice than just the music.

Problem: The show feels…similar to other modern cartoons.

Though, to be fair, almost every huge show since Adventure Time and Gravity Falls feels similar. There’s definitely been a trend where modern animation tends to start as comedic and mostly episodic, becomes gradually serious over time, starts telling a more cohesive story arc, and shocking twists that even surprise a few adults a lot of the time. It’s a trend tiring for some while exciting to most, with The Owl House being one of the better examples of this pattern done RIGHT. I have no problems with what the show wants to be, but I can’t help but notice instances where it does something similar to other shows that came out. Dana Terrace and her writers have put their own spin on ideas, but don’t stop these feelings like how The Collector’s playtime is a chiller Weirdmageddon, or how the final season is a repackaged version of Amphibia’s. I already went over that ladder two parts ago, so I’m not going to repeat myself here. As for the former, I’m not going to dwell on it because more than enough people did when “For the Future” started. The Collector is NOTHING like Bill Cipher, so they both go about causing chaos in different ways, with The Collector’s actions being unintentionally messed up while Bill fully knows what he’s doing and loves it anyway. The differences lead to two apocalyptic scenarios that are unique in their own right. Still, the similarities ARE there and are fairly noticeable.

I don’t like giving problems like that attention, though. It’s a nitpick at best and it’s always people using surface level similarities just to make a nonsensical argument about how nothing is original anymore. As someone who believes that originality is a myth and that it’s near impossible for people to make something wholly original, I find it pointless to point out how similarities are a problem, especially if what’s being made is still good.

“Then why bring it up at all?”

Well…because it does stop The Owl House from standing out, just a little bit. If you offer a story that’s too similar to others, you need to offer some differences that make it more appealing. To make it STAND OUT more from the crowd of great cartoons that tell their own great stories. Otherwise, why bother watching a show when there’s another version of it that’s just the same, if not better? And sure, whether something is better or not is purely subjective. I personally enjoy something like The Owl House more than Amphibia, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks that. But there’s also people who disagree with that and treat Amphibia as untouchable where it’s The Owl House that’s flawed. Trying to be better isn’t a big enough difference because not everyone is going to believe your story stands higher than others. But keep in mind, that doesn’t stop the show from being GOOD. Even if there are some familiarities with other things, you’ll still have a good time with what you watch. But think of it like this: There are dozens of sitcoms out there, each of them following a certain formula or character dynamics. Yet the ones people remember the most aren’t just the funniest but the things they did differently. Boy Meets World sort of grew up with its audience by having its main character grow up, going from simple plots of Corey painting his neighbor’s fence for a super soaker to him defending the right to punch a guy who sexually assaulted his girlfriend. Malcolm in the Middle forgoes having a simple, caring family household for a messy family of a-holes that are often at odds with each other but still look out for one another, even if it causes chaos for themselves and others. And The Office, instead of having people go through extreme and almost cartoonish situations, has real types of people living out realistic scenarios and laughing at how stupid and secondhand embarrassing they can be…At least at first. Things get a little bit off the rails later on in the series. Regardless, shows tend to stand out in pop culture due to the differences they presented, not just the quality. The same applies for cartoons like The Owl House, which has a similar vibe to other shows, not just ones produced by Disney. Now, it has differences that make it stand out ENOUGH, but I can’t really blame people for thinking that the series is a little similar to others. I only draw the line when people treat it as an actual detriment when, again, it’s nothing more than a minor nitpick. YOU might not think it stands out, but there’s an entire fandom that says otherwise. And to keep things fair, let’s go over a few differences to prove how well the show stands out.

Praise: The look of the world is great

I said it in the colors section, but Dana Terrace didn’t want a PRETTY magical world. She wanted something a little spooky and demonic, taking art inspiration from paintings by Heironymous Bosch. And while things never get to that level of intensity, let it be known that The Owl House tries to match the same level of weirdness. Or, at least, try as much as Disney would allow. Because if you’ve seen Dana’s non Owl House art on her socials, you can see for yourself how much she was restrained by making something family friendly. Hell, by the time I’m posting this, the teaser for her next big show came out and it definitely looks like Dana Terrace unfiltered. But no matter the limitations, the final result makes for a pretty unique world. By the second episode alone, the show reveals that everything takes place upon the corpse of a Titan. That’s already an awesome idea that I’ve never heard of before and things just get crazier as we see the many demons, witches, and creatures that exist in this world. You have obvious reimaginings of classic beasts and monsters in mythology, with the series putting their own spin on both the designs and what they can do, making these creatures fit with the mythology that the writers are trying to make for this series. As for the NEW creatures that exist solely in this series, there’s not a LOT of ideas that the show puts a lot of emphasis on aside from slitherbeasts and those…weird butterflies, but there’s still a good amount of random one-off monsters, both friendly and menacing, that have a good amount of creativity that puts into how they look. Even that tentacle monster Luz said good morning to in “Witches Before Wizards” has a lot more effort put into its design despite showing up once for the entire series. In fact, that brings up another positive in the look of this world: There’s a lot of effort in making EVERYONE look unique. Every single character and demon that Luz interacts with has a different design to them, with it being rare for the show to reuse character models to fill out a crowd. Now, most of them don’t have a consistent VOICE, but at least the animators and artists did good in making the people of the Boiling Isles look as weird as possible. None of them really look horrifying, but that might help the series more than you think.

The whole point of The Owl House is finding beauty in the bizarre. To accomplish that, you need to create a world that’s weird but not horrific. Make the people odd but not creepy. Have the creatures look dangerous but not horrendous. Basically, it’s all about finding that balance of looking off-putting to any normal person but never to the extent that it isn't something you can’t get used to. The show applies this to characters and the backgrounds, creating a world that’s odd everywhere you look but in a way that’s almost inviting. The Boiling Isles isn’t a place that the main character would want to escape from, but wishes to stay in because of how “at-home” she feels. It’s handled well in every episode, giving the series a look that allows it to stand out on its own just well enough…I just wish we could have seen MORE of this world.

Problem: The world feels small.

I said this before when talking about the arcs, but The Owl House doesn’t really have that expansive of a magical world. Granted, it’s a character driven series, it doesn’t NEED to have a GRAND landscape filled with adventure, it needs a place that the characters can interact and hang out in. It’s totally fine to tell small-scale stories in a small, contained area. There’s just two problems with that: For one, Dana Terrace clearly wanted a larger narrative near the end of Season Two, and doing so led to realizing how little we’ve seen of the Isles. More than that, it makes a fan like me realize I simply don’t care about the rest of the Isles. I care about the primary characters and I don’t want anyone to die, but I also realized that I don’t have the same strong connection to the Isles that Luz does because I haven’t much of it.

As for problem number two, it feels like a waste to limit such an interesting realm. Everything is either near or in Bonesborough, while occasionally moving through forests during SOME adventures. There’s an entire ISLAND to explore and we mostly stay in one area. What’s crazy is that, after Season One wrapped up, Dana Terrace did a Q&A where she promised that Season Two would have more island exploration. And all we really did was see a new city and a FEW islands that were only made for one-off adventures. Granted, I think she promised this BEFORE being told that the show would get cut down, and it’s possible that plans had to change at the last minute, but it doesn’t change how the Isles feel smaller than they are. And with how interesting this world looks, it’s a shame we only get to see it in a microscope view instead of seeing it expanded. The story isn’t RUINED by this, it’s just a missed opportunity caused by spending most of Season One in the same five places and having no time to explore more. Fortunately, the show’s good at a lot of other things regardless of limitations.

Praise: They made something OUTSTANDING despite restrictions

And there are more than just THE BIG ONE. I’ll admit that The Owl House is one of the few shows that adjusted well to a forced cancellation, knowing exactly what to keep in the original plan, how to combine one plotline with another, and come up with an epic, satisfying ending even though it wasn’t the ending the writers originally planned. In all regards, The Owl House managed to soar past expectations and still make some really great episodes and specials when, for other shows, getting a shortened series may as well have been a death sentence (Just look at what happened to Danny Phantom). But as much as the show deserves this kind of praise, it’s also worth mentioning that a shortened series is NOT the only restriction the writers had to deal with. They also managed to surpass expectations when you remember EXACTLY what The Owl House is.

The Owl House, first and foremost, is a children’s cartoon on the Disney Channel. Because of that, there are ideas and elements that the writers and artists can’t go all the way with because Disney still wants to appeal to that family-friendly crowd. So when the show gets away with something that you wouldn’t expect, it makes you appreciate it all the more. Sometimes it’s getting incredibly dark, both in the story and it’s humor, and other times it’s as simple as showing two girls in love. This is a REALLY LGBTQIA+ friendly series produced by DISNEY, and that’s somehow more surprising than ninety percent of what happens in “Hollow Mind.” And that’s an episode filled with death, torture, and destruction, so that says a lot, really.

The Owl House, much like Gravity Falls and Amphibia, really tries to push the envelope of what’s okay for kids or not. To me, though, it feels like it managed to push things further, mainly because cartoons of the past really helped in pushing boundaries too but also because of how deeply it managed to strike a chord in me. Like, I was an ADULT by the time the first episode premiered. I was NOT in this show’s age range and yet I managed to be both impressed and invested with every episode and what it managed to do. And keep in mind, that’s not an easy task to accomplish. As I get older and older, the more I realize that cartoons meant for children aren’t meant for ME (Shocking, I know). Themes are fairly simple, stories are becoming predictable, and the humor’s definitely more for younger audiences and not just ME. So if a series made for children still manages to get strong reactions out of a schmuck my age, it’s clearly doing something right. That effect isn’t going to be the same for everyone, but I personally see it as the show doing something incredible. Dana Terrace wanted to tell a GREAT story with wonderful characters, all with themes and imagery that certainly challenge younger minds, and created JUST that…Though, the story itself isn’t exactly PERFECT.

Problem: There are noticeable retcons caused by the writers wanting to go in a different direction.

This isn’t new for ANY show, let alone serialized cartoons. Adventure Time basically improvised its lore and backstories on the spot, and every reveal and change is almost perfect with only the SLIGHTEST retcons to make it coherent. And don’t even get me STARTED on the things comics have done. Did you know that Alfred wasn’t Bruce Wayne’s family butler? He was just some wannabe detective that actively chose to work for Batman and Robin.

The point is that I get WHY retcons happen. Large or small, subtle or blunt, it’s all because the writers decide they want to tell the story differently and try to change things around so it can fit with everything else they’ve already written. At its best, you barely care that it happens. At its worst, it’s blatantly obvious and you can tell that the writers decided at the last minute that they didn’t like the direction they were going in. And The Owl House…is right between that.

Keep in mind, the changes the show made is almost never towards the story. The narrative is often kept intact regardless of forced shortenings and censorship. The only times the writers decided to make any changes was towards antagonistic characters that the writers wanted to be redeemable. Amity, Ed and Em, Alador, and The Collector are VERY MUCH different characters from how they were introduced and how the writers decided they SHOULD be written soon after. Amity is definitely the best written out of this lineup, as the writers already knew that she had to be redeemed sooner than later and laid out a plan to make it work. However, the plan kind of falls apart when they reveal Amity feels regret for being mean to Willow only to show no form of regret at all in “I Was A Teenage Abomination.” I went over that scene enough, but it still shows how flawed The Owl House is in changing course when it comes to these characters.

Even with changes that I like, it comes across as something more sudden instead of an idea they had from the start. If Edric and Emira were meant to be Amity’s support system, then why would they do something so heinous as leak her diary onto the internet? That’s not tough love, that’s reprehensible. And if The Collector was just a child who didn’t understand how dangerous they were, then why make him act so malicious in their introduction. Yes, it was in a memory and you could argue this is how Belos remembered the scene, but everything else was exact so why would JUST The Collector act differently? These are very clear cases of the show wanting to do something different but only AFTER they were too far into production with certain episodes and soon decided to change course when we see them next. I at least LIKE these changes, I prefer them, but there is ONE case where this type of decision making did NOT work out in everyone’s favor.

Yeah, let’s go ahead and beat the dead horse that is Alador’s redemption again. I originally said that I’m not TOO bothered by this. I get the intent and, to Dana’s credit, she DID state beforehand that Alador is more complicated than fans might think. So I get that redeeming Alador was always part of the plan, but given the strong negative reactions this decision had, especially from fans who have had BAD experiences with parents like him, it’s clear that the writers didn’t plan far ahead enough. You can defend this decision all you want. I’VE definitely tried. But there’s no escaping the fact that showing us Alador acting just as bad as Odalia only to LATER say he’s not is a bold and flawed choice that feels worse the more you think about it.

Who knows why these particular changes were made to these characters after introducing us to them. Maybe it’s a decision of the writers that they didn’t think through or maybe it’s Disney influencing how some characters are written. One thing’s for sure, I don’t want to use the “There wasn’t enough time” excuse for this one. These were sudden retcons that weren’t properly done when it came to changing these characters. At the end of the day, I still PREFER these changes but I would have loved it if they were better eased into the series. Especially since the show IS good at taking its time for other things.

Praise: The writers waste no time giving fans exactly what they want in a timely manner.

Do you want answers to your fan theories? Do you want to see if a ship you love becomes canon? Do you want one narrative to be continued instead of pushed to the side to the point where it’s basically forgotten? Well, good news! The Owl House gives you pretty much what you want to see and you don’t have to wait that long to get it!

It always amazes me with how little time is wasted in The Owl House. Almost every episode has SOMETHING going on with it, whether it’s a story thread being continued, a relationship being developed, or a character you love making another appearance. The series is often good at delivering what the majority of fans want and doing so without really having that much input to work with. The first season and a half of The Owl House was being developed before any of the cast or crew were aware of how big of a fanbase they’d get and were already on their way in making fans satisfied. I mean, there were already Lumity fans hyper fixating on the ship LONG before “Enchanted Grom Fright” confirmed that they WILL become canon at some point. And even then, the writers still planned to feed the fans well by making it canon halfway through Season Two, potentially hoping to have more episodes in the series dedicated to these two nerds being in love. They planned something this special, not knowing how popular a ship Lumity would be. Just like how they planned to give Hunter a lot of attention without knowing he’d be a fan favorite character or make Steve the most lovable coven guard without expecting fans to love a SINGLE interaction he had with Lilith. I’m sure Dana Terrace and her writers went in hoping to make every character, relationship, and story excellent, but when you’re making something, you can never be too sure what fans are going to gravitate more to. So the fact that they managed to hit a bullseye over what the majority wanted is VERY impressive. Now, not EVERY fan is satisfied. There are some underrated concepts, characters, and relationships that some fans wished would have gotten more attention, both in the show and the fandom. I can certainly understand that, but I can also argue that it's more of you wanting more from The Owl House instead of appreciating what it already gave you. And yes, I know I just complained about not seeing more of the world not that long ago, but there’s a difference between wishing to see the creator of this insane world create more insane things…and wanting an episode dedicated to Emira Blight. Yeah, I’d like that too, but sometimes you need to judge what the creator and their writers gave you and not so much what YOU wanted.

When I say that The Owl House gave fans what they wanted, I’m almost always talking about the vast majority, and they certainly seem pleased enough. Especially with how they didn’t have to wait long to get what they wanted. There’s a total of TWO episodes that I’d consider filler because of how little they offered, both for the series and fans (You probably know which ones). The rest of the time, the show is perfect at delivering what it needs to, and it’s almost always at the right time in the series. Things are constantly moving forward, and it sometimes leads to a small complaint about how the show is badly paced. For me, though, I always describe the series as differently paced. We’re so used to shows that take their time building up to a ship becoming canon, carefully integrating characters into the main cast, or slowly writing out this big arc that when something like The Owl House practically speedruns the whole process, it causes this idea that its pacing must be off. Except that I never really think that it is, as almost every interaction these characters have often feels like a natural progression as you’re watching these people improve themselves and the relationships they have around them. Or the way they’re running out of time to solve these BIG problems leads to feeling the intensity of the situation as there’s not much room for error left for them. It creates a new experience compared to other shows and it makes sense why The Owl House in particular wastes no time. Some say that the writing was on the wall that the show wasn’t going to get that third season, I say…that Dana Terrace knows how things work with televised animation at Disney. The average lifespan of a Disney cartoon is three seasons. Very rarely does anything get four and it’s even RARER to get up to five. Not everything can be like Big City Greens where it’s basically The Simpsons but for kids. And keep in mind, this is a problem BEFORE streaming made things ten times worse for televised animation. Disney does NOT play the long game when it comes to their shows, with it often being inconsistent with what lasts long and what doesn’t. Dana likely expected her show wouldn’t get much time so she planned accordingly, getting to those big moments for the characters and story as quickly as possible without it feeling TOO quick. For the most part, I still say that the final result is handled well, giving fans exactly what they want with little to no fluff or filler…However, there are SOME cases where I can’t help but admit–

Problem: The series clearly needed another season.

Stop me if you heard this before: This aspect of The Owl House would have worked better–

“--if the show had enough time.”

Yeah, you get it by now. EVERYONE gets it by now. It’s the main criticism thrown around a lot, being applicable to a good amount of the show’s problems. Not EVERY issue, mind you, as Lilith’s redemption in particular is still all kinds of rushed BEFORE the writers were told they only have a season and three specials to wrap up the series. Regardless, The Owl House is a series that is BURSTING with potential with dozens of characters, story concepts, and themes, only to be restricted with how much they can cover. And oftentimes, the end result is still GOOD. I almost never feel like there’s an aspect of the show that was handled poorly with the time that the writers were given. Yet, as good as everything is, I can’t help but often feel like it could have been handled better. Luz’s conflict about choosing the Isles or the Human Realm, Willow and Amity’s friendship, and Raine’s rebellion are just SOME of the things that would benefit with a longer series. And the thing is that I’m not blaming the WRITERS for most of this. They were given a bad hand and tried to deal with it in the best way they could. I still stand by that what they made is AMAZING regardless of how little time they had, even if it’s clear that some ideas had to be cut out entirely or get rushed to an adequate conclusion. It isn’t perfect, but our favorite media rarely is.

Still, I won’t say this fixes EVERY problem in the show. An extra season would have benefited in giving more characters and narratives focus, allowing the writers to further explore these ideas they had better, but not necessarily helping the OTHER problems in the series, especially ones I’ve mentioned before in this part alone. Having more time just allows the writers more of a chance to let the series BREATHE and fully expand on what was necessary. As is, The Owl House will forever be one of the most popular cases, to me, where a show reaching perfection got held back by a network limiting how much they could have done. It’s not the first, it likely won’t be the last, unfortunately, but it’s still one that comes to my mind frequently. And a part of me can’t help but wonder what could have been if the series was allowed to go on longer. As well as make assumptions as to why it wasn’t, because so far the best bet is that it has to do with the NEXT praise I have with the series.

Praise: It has GREAT diversity.

Before you say the shortening ISN’T because of diversity, Disney is currently trying to scrub out any sense of transgender storyline out of its popular programming and seems a bit too keen to end shows early that continues to diversify casts and normalize certain aspects in society. So don’t F**KING tell me that there’s not any other reason The Owl House suddenly didn’t fit the brand, when the higher ups are making it clear that they want the brownie points for being inclusive but don’t want to go too far to scare off their conservative audiences! Well, guess what! THEY’RE not getting the brownie points, Dana Terrace and the writers are…And they really do deserve it.

The Owl House has a pretty colorful cast, to say the least, with the majority of the primary characters being people of color with only a handful of white people thrown in. And pretty much all of them are on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, highlighting and normalizing different sexualities, genders, and gender norms with the show explicitly stating it, implying it, or having the cast and crew come in to confirm or deny certain headcanons. I know we should take Hunter and Willow being bi and pan with a grain of salt because DANA confirmed it instead of putting it in the show…but is it really going to stop anyone? I think when your show has two thirds of your main trio be confirmed bisexuals, I say it’s perfectly fine to believe that anyone in the show can at least be a LITTLE gay, confirmation be damned. The show is very LGBTQIA+ friendly, like I said earlier, with several characters that many people can see themselves in. Though, some viewers to have notes about how…perfectly accepted races and sexualities are, as that’s not exactly realistic or it ignores the experience that many people tend to go through. To that I say…valid, but I get why it’s not exactly handled here.

Dana Terrace has gone on record that she wanted to create a world without any REAL discrimination for the sake of escapism. Kids likely get too much of that crap enough, and this is a way to appreciate watching characters who look like them, act like them, and seeing it without being reminded of what the real world’s like. The Owl House is a series to help children feel seen without reminding them of the stress they have to go through. Would it be a BOLD choice to talk about the homophobia and racism in the Human Realm and the culture shock Luz faces when she realizes that doesn’t exist in The Boiling Isles? Absolutely. But I do feel like, because The Owl House is a kids’ show, you gotta keep the kids happy. Doing that means showing them that who they are is NORMAL and they shouldn’t feel shame for it. I don’t hold it against the series to do things like make Camila accept Luz’s sexuality, I just think it's beautiful that this series is telling kids they can and WILL be accepted by the right people. Unfortunately, that’s not going to be the case for everyone, but I still say it’s good to tell kids that there’s nothing wrong with who they are.

Another benefit is that because The Owl House is a kids show, it teaches kids, specifically white and/or straight kids, that there’s nothing wrong with ANYTHING The Owl House presents. The color of a person’s skin does not stop you from seeing yourself in them. That person’s sexuality also doesn’t stop them from being nice or welcoming. Gender? It doesn’t matter because this show goes out of its way to prove gender’s a social construct, if anything else. A girl can dress up as a boy, a man can dress up more flamboyantly, and some characters can just say “screw two genders” altogether and be non-binary. Heck, one of the short-term antagonists has He/They pronouns, that the characters inexplicably respect despite not knowing The Collector has he/they pronouns, proving that no matter what a person is like, you should still acknowledge what labels they go by. And that’s GREAT! Normalization educates kids who AREN’T part of these races or sexualities that they should be ACCEPTING of it. It’s okay if two girls want to kiss, it’s okay for two men of different races to raise a daughter, and it’s okay for a Black kid to be one of the highest performing kids in his grade. Even if SOME parents get so mad at these ideas that they break their child’s TV and Funko pop collection (That happened, by the way. It’s a core memory I have when seeing this show trend on Twitter once).

The Owl House doesn’t NAIL the full experience of all these groups, but that’s not entirely a HUGE detriment to the series. A kid is going to see Lumity become canon for the first time and feel happy to know that they’re not alone in this world. They’re going to see great characters like Raine and see that it’s good to look and be a certain way. It’s less about educating kids about the culture of lives these types of people might have, but it’s perfect in teaching children that there’s nothing wrong with being a certain way. I feel like the writers deserve SOME type of credit for what they wanted to do, because that in of itself is ADMIRABLE…But admittedly, there is ONE note that can’t be denied.

Problem: It puts a LOT more importance on the WHITE characters.

You remember that handful of white characters I mentioned earlier? Well, they seem to be the writers’ favorites with how often they get more attention than the POCs.

“But the main protagonist is an Afro-Latina!”

That she is…but how much do we know about Luz’s history and family compared to Eda’s? Or compared to Amity’s? Hell, you could argue that we know more about BELOS than Luz. We learn it through portraits in the background of his mind, but we still learn.

“So, what? You think that the writers are RACISTS?!”

I did not say that. I never said that. NO ONE who brings up this criticism has ever said that. The writers aren’t racists for putting a lot more attention on their whiter characters as opposed to the NON white ones. The non-white characters are still well-written and highly regarded in the fandom, with some having more popularity than most of the white characters. In fact, I think I see more fan art of Skara than I do of Viney, despite both having very little presence in the series. The writers did good at making us love the characters who are POC and wrote them to be endearing to anyone regardless of race. There’s just this imbalance between them and the white characters, and it gets more noticeable in Season Two when the fandom’s favorite white boy gets a prominent role in SIX episodes while his half-Korean girlfriend is forced to share one with him. And share HALF a role with her white best friend. And keep in mind, I…wouldn’t willingly trade away Hunter’s screen time. I love Hunter, and so does the majority of the fandom. INCLUDING the POC fans, who don’t like it when white critics talk FOR them in saying that only racists can like Hunter. I’ve seen it. But as much as I love Hunter and his story, I would ALSO love it if Willow got just as much attention in the show as he did.

“Well, maybe if the show had more time—“

Don’t do it. Don’t even try it. Alright? Because I told you, the extra season would have fixed a lot of problems but not ALL of them. This imbalance started becoming more of an issue as early as the FIRST half of Season Two, a portion of the series already written before the writers were told that the show would get cut down. In that first half, fans were already pointing out how little screen time characters like Willow and Gus were getting despite being in a close, chaotic friendship with Luz. The first season started with them being major characters, and now it felt like they were being written out of the plot. In an episode where Luz, Gus, and Willow are ALL expelled, it’s mostly about the family drama Amity has with her parents while Willow and Gus do nothing to save Luz so AMITY can look the most badass and Luz gets a crush on her. In an episode where Luz is too sick to go on an adventure, AMITY gets to go and help reform HUNTER, while Willow and Gus have to stay behind and look after Luz. And even then, they don’t do anything. They just sit there listening to whale songs with Hooty as they remain ignorant to a crisis. Plus, while Gus may have HALF an episode to himself, he’s playing second fiddle to Lumity getting closer to canonicity. Meanwhile, Willow got squat, despite being the third person Luz met in the Isles that became an important part of her life and having a ton more prevalence in the previous season. I first dismissed it as maybe it’s because Willow’s arc of finding confidence came to a complete end in Season One, so maybe they didn’t know what else to do with her…but looking back, that’s a pretty flimsy excuse. A completed arc doesn’t mean a show should just STOP using that same character. You just need to find more uses for them other than being someone defined by their relationships.

“Well, what if people thought Willow was boring?”

I mean…Fair? Kind of? Not everyone’s going to like the same characters and if one isn’t your cup of tea then you’re not really going to miss seeing them, regardless of what race they are. I remember seeing Schaffrillas’ review of the first half of Season Two, and he definitely didn’t shed a tear to there being not much Willow content because he found Willow so boring. However, just because it’s not YOUR favorite character, that doesn’t mean it’s NO ONE’S favorite. And after just going over how important it was that this series makes kids of any race feel seen in this dumpster fire we call a planet, it still feels unfair that those same characters are often pushed to the side so that the whiter ones can take more attention. The cast, crew, and FANS pride themselves on how good the representation is, but as good as things are, the imbalance is what makes it imperfect.

WOOF…That was heavy. Maybe we should move onto a lighter topic?

Praise: Its drama is SUPER compelling.

I said LIGHT–Aw, screw it, this is good to talk about.

As I mentioned earlier, I am a grown-ass adult man. So the fact that this show made for literal children managed to get me so invested in its drama is a TESTAMENT to how good it is. When a character cries, I’M almost moved to tears. When someone’s in danger, I feel nervous for them. When the main character is dying before my eyes, I’m screaming like The Punisher as he’s strapped to the chair while begging for these masked men to not kill his family! That is NOT an exaggeration, I still remember the trauma and it’s the main reason I don’t willingly rewatch “Watching and Dreaming” most of the time. And no, that’s not a joke either, it’s…it’s a heavy scene from a heavy episode…

But that’s my point. This show often leaves me an emotional wreck in a way that’s on the level with a few shows that are meant for adults. Again, THE SHOW FOR CHILDREN is making me feel the strong emotions that I would for any adult series. Not all of them, mind you, and it’s entirely possible that not everyone would feel this way…But you want to know WHY it works so well for ME? The same reason why everything else works in The Owl House: The characters.

That’s more than just a fourteen year old biting the dust, that’s my FAVORITE CHARACTER. Hell, she’s probably one of my favorite characters in all of fiction, one I was endeared with through forty plus episodes of her wacky hijinks and lovable antics. So when she goes through something heavy like the cold embrace of DEATH, I’m naturally going to feel worried and sad over her going through it. And that’s just the SERIES FINALE! All the way back in Season One, my heart cracked in half at the end of “Agony of a Witch” when Luz collapsed and started crying her eyes out over Eda being gone. I love this character, I love the relationships she has, and I love the characters IN those relationships. And it’s a good thing I do, because otherwise the drama would not have hit as well if these characters weren’t likable.

Even the personalities of the cast often helps aid the drama. If a happy and optimistic character like Luz is starting to feel doom and gloom, you KNOW things are starting to get dark. And if the usually confident Eda is bursting into tears because she’s feeling the pressure of being unable to protect her kids, then that just proves how bad things really got. It’s not only proof of how good the characters are, but how genuinely good the writing is. These writers aren’t messing around, making something adults can appreciate but never really going TOO intense for kids…most of the time. “Hollow Mind” is STILL very messed up.

And it’s good that the drama is so well-done because the comedy…sure isn’t.

Problem: Its comedy is often hit or miss

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it again, and I might say it once more in the future. But The Owl House…just isn’t that funny to me. Not always.

When the jokes hit, they’re hilarious. My mind always goes to “The choosey hat” bit or Hooty’s…general Hootyness when I think of what makes me crack up with this series. When it’s good, it’s great. When it’s not…it’s like a C-Grade MCU movie.

*Dodges gunshot*

More specifically, it’s sometimes what the internet THINKS a C-Grade MCU movie is like.

*Dodges several gunshots*

Yeah, hate me all you want, it really does feel like that at times. Not ALWAYS, but often. There’s just a lot of moments that a joke feels forced in because we gotta make the kiddos laugh between all this magic and adventure, and it’s awkward every time. Gus noting how Luz must run fast because humans have dorsal fins is on level with that glob thing in Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantummania wishing he had holes. Or how Luz, after making this big hero speech being met with nothing, says, “Not the response I was expecting…” That’s on the same level of someone going, “Well, that just happened.” It’s pretty much the show’s humor at its worst, and it often makes me roll my eyes instead of smile.

“Well, maybe your first mistake was expecting a kids show to make you laugh.”

Okay, fair point. I DID just say that these are basically jokes to make kids in the audience laugh, so maybe it’s just a thing where I’m too mature for these jokes…Counterpoint: Hilarity knows no age. Because Gravity Falls, a show meant for the same age range as The Owl House, still makes me laugh as an adult, just as much as it would when I was a kid. And if you wanna go further than that, an episode of Bluey, a show for MUCH younger audiences, manages to crack me up far more easily than The Owl House ever has. Being a kids show isn’t what holds back The Owl House’s humor. It’s just…not that funny. Not to me. If it is for you, more power to ya. But for me, I feel like the reason why it didn’t work so well is because Dana Terrace didn’t put too much of a priority on humor. There was more attention put on the characters, themes, and eventually telling darker narratives that the show being FUNNY became something they didn’t worry too much about. Everything else seemed to have come first, with jokes being on the bottom of the list. There were some great laughs to have, and a few cute chuckles sprinkled in, but most of the time, it’s just not that uproarious.

And that’s it…That’s the last thing I have to say about The Owl House…And it’s a nitpick that’s more subjective, if anything else…That’s not fair. After spending six parts and about three years talking about why I love this series, it’s unfair to end it with “The show’s not funny.”

So, instead, let’s end it by finally answering this big ol’ question that’s at the beginning of every post: Why do I love The Owl House? Really, why is it THIS SHOW that’s stuck with me for so long and one that I’ve obsessed over for about five years now? It’s not really the best animated series ever made. It’s not even the best made within the last five years (Have you SEEN Arcane?!). So why is it that it’s The Owl House the show I obsess over? The show that I’ve written fan-fics, analysis posts, and entire reviews to show my appreciation for it? The show that I’ve dedicated FIVE YEARS of my life hyping up as one of the biggest things of the decade? Well, to put it bluntly…It just is.

That’s not a BIG answer, I know, but it’s the truth. The Owl House is something that I love because it did all the right things in all the right ways at the exact right time. And it did it for me and MANY other fans who came together and voiced their LOVE for this wacky series produced by the company everyone hates. It’s not perfect, NO show is, but the imperfections never really mattered. They exist and I can’t blame people for feeling the need to point them out, but that doesn’t stop me from enjoying the series. NOTHING can stop me from enjoying the series. Dana Terrace would have to come out as a transmisogynistic Nazi who loves the tears of puppies for me to turn away from this series, and even then…it won’t be an easy thing to do.

The Owl House is exactly why I’m here right now. I’ve gained friendships, followers, and had expressed my creativity because of this show. A show I NEVER expected to like and who KNOWS what would have happened if I decided to NOT watch that first episode late one night during college. For all I’m concerned, I might have become the…Lily Orchard to the Amphibia fandom or something…*Shudders*

Will The Owl House stand the test of time and be fondly remembered in the animation hall of fame? To be honest…not sure. Not a future seer. But will it stand the test of time in my heart? Most definitely. Because I may forget some shows and I might forget some aspects of this series like who was the voice of Luz or certain fan-made projects that got drowned out over the years (Remember the “Little Miss Perfect” Animatic?). However, I sincerely doubt, in the deepest part of my soul, that I’ll forget moments like THESE:

The Owl House is FAR from a perfect show. I know that’s true. But to me, no matter what people say, no matter how much better shows will come out…it’ll always FEEL perfect to me.

Thanks again to Dana Terrace and her crew for doing more than changing my life. You changed it for the better, and I’ll always be grateful for that…

#the owl house #luz noceda #eda clawthorne #king clawthorne #amity blight #toh hunter #willow park #gus porter #what i thought about #the owl house reviews #long post #seriously #this was meant to be the short one and it's almost thirty pages LONG!#what's wrong with me!

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theambitiouswoman · 5 days ago

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Hii! Its me again, So as you may remember, I’m 17 and I’m currently working on discovering who I am. And its hard because I’m pushing myself to be open with my emotions and facing the root of my trauma. So I usually write. I heard this tactic of looking up first date questions and asking them to yourself to get to know yourself better. And I’ve been doing well, but it’s certain questions where it’s like I can’t answer. One of them was “where do you see yourself in 5 years?” And I want to say that I’ll be in school, but whole heartedly I don’t know. And I think apart of it is because I doubted myself so much that it feels silly to dream or believe of all the possible great things I can do for me. I think thats also rooted in my low-self esteem issues that I am also working on. I really just want some advice to navigate these thoughts because I get anxious and stressed out just knowing that I don’t what my future holds.

Hi again beauty

Asking yourself first date questions is pretty genius. I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit. Blows my mind that you’re 17 and think so well.

To be honest, I think it’s okay to not have a five year plan. I think that is too far out and so many variables will come into play. You are committed to your growth and will be evolving so much in the next years, that you won’t even recognize yourself a few months from now.

I don’t like to look at long term plans. I call them dreams. I look at plans as short term tasks / promises I make to myself to get me to my dream. Because my dream is already done. It’s going to happen.

You don’t have to map out every detail. You really should allow yourself to imagine and dream.

Ask yourself what type of person you want to be. How you want to feel year from now, what excites you and interests you right now.

This is what matters because this is what shapes your life. WHO YOU ARE and who you are developing into shapes your life. Not your plans. So my advice is to dream, and focus on becoming the person of your dreams. This is more of a natural aligned approach to accomplishing things.

You don’t need all the answers today. Just give yourself permission to learn and explore possibilities without judgment. Your future is something you get to create, one step at a time. You don’t just end up there. You evolve there. And trust me, you are capable of amazing things, even if you don’t fully believe it yet. You’re doing so much better than you think!

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mysticmiav · 1 year ago

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I wanna talk about Inej cuz GOD I love her so much. Her intro scene is one that I think goes not talked about enough which I think is a crime against humanity and I WILL be making my case your honour so buckle up.

This concerns scenes from SoC as well as CK, so be warned, a load of spoilers ahead.

So in that first chapter of SoC we are introduced to this absolute badass of a girl. She walks silently, steals secrets and defies gravity. The name they call her? The Wraith. How badass is that? God spared yall (and maybe even me but especially my parents) cuz if I was still doing gymnastics I would've broken my ankle trying to be a fraction of as cool as she is cuz fuck you Newton and fuck your gravity laws.

She is smart and quick witted; the whole scene at the exchange, Kaz counting on her to take care of the second guard, knowing she'll figure it out and manage, and her indeed making it on time.

But no, not only that. This deadly storm of a girl not only holds this guard at knifepoint, saving Kaz's ass from an embarrassing plan gone awry, being shot and possibly even death. She goes on and says, and I quote, "I like it when men beg, but this isn't the time for it."

????? Weird way of asking for my hand in marriage but all the same, yes.

We get to see that deadly, fear-worthy side of her, we see how she's an actual threat people take into account, cue the slippery edges so as to make her climbs harder (fools really, as if some grease and oil would stop her of all things)

But as if that wasn't enough, we also learn of the beliefs she holds dear and her kindness. The way she hesitates about leaving Big Bol alone after everyone else leaves, torn on saving him, getting him help or putting him out of his misery, and ends up sparing him a parting prayer.

She's someone who's been through unimaginably lot of shit, never seemed to catch a break, from being literally ripped away from her family, sent across the ocean and sold to the menagerie, a never ending stream of painful and shameful experiences in her life as an indenture there, and then trading that life for one of killing and stealing, and despite it all, despite all she's gone through and all she's seen, she holds dearly to her faith, to her memories and her hopes of better days, of a world free from this kind of pain. Arguably even more so because of her experiences.

She wonders if her Saints would forgive her if she took Van Eck's life not out of necessity, but out of revenge. Either way, she was willing to spend a lifetime of repenting and take that chance.

But even beyond that, she's faithful beyond belief. Jan-if I ever commit a hate crime it'd be against this miserable excuse of a man-van Eck, while not having actually broken her legs (although his only reason for stopping being Inej's words) it was evident he was willing to, he was going to, and he made it clear he still might on the next day if she doesn't talk by then.

Fast forward to the one and only "I would have come for you, and if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you," scene (am combusting as well I know).

I find it to be heavily implied which lengths Inej was willing to go before Jan managed to draw a word out of her; her asking Kaz if he would have come for her when she couldn't scale walls or steal secrets for him anymore implies, in my opinion, what she already saw as the outcome of her captivity at Van Eck's hands. She already was thinking of that future, not just because of that growing, nagging doubt of her role in Kaz's life (whether she really was only an investment or if he'd cared in any way more than that about her), but also because no matter what, she wouldn't have given her crew away like that. She already made up her mind; she'd give that icky bastard some locations that had nothing to do with this, and Jan could break every bone in her body but will find no words of hers helpful, and I just worry of and for that girl.

She made that six-story high climb up a burning chimney with a tight time span, she climbed silos that are twenty storys high with an even tighter window of time, she walked a wire on that height and would've walked many more had things gone according to plan (thanks, Dunyasha), she climbed up shipping containers with a knife stabbed at her side, more or less to ensure she did her best for the crew that was counting on her. She would rather end it herself than find herself captive in those enemy's hands, this playing both into her loyalty as well as her history with captivity and what it meant for her.

She is the Wraith, with a reputation that proceeds her, and she also knows how crucial her skills are, how much her crew depends on her, how many of the plans center on and are weaved around her abilities, but she is also fully aware of her limits, fully acknowledging of her betters (Dunyasha you scare me, genuinely). She is religious and holds her faith very dear, but has made peace with the lives she's taken and will continue to take.

Many people see her as Dirtyhand's Wraith and fear her for her association with him, for his uses of her and the things she does at his bidding, but she is scary in her own light and I don't think people should fuck with that.

When she came for Pekka that night, carved in knife right above his heart, promised him a second slash if he thinks of coming back to Ketterdam, she made the once-proclaimed king of the barrel remember pain and fear.

And as if that didn't shake the man enough, she also made sure to replace his son's lion stuffed doll with a fucking crow, so that he'd see it when he inevitably ran to check in on his kid amidst his blood and panic. She gave this man enough mental damage to warrant endless psychiatric help and a lifetime of cowering, fear and paranoia (totally warranted am 100% in support)

She wears her heart on her sleeve; not in the sense of being naive, but in the sense of not being scared of displaying her emotions and thoughts. Her sentiments aren't random, because she always made it clear she cares for the people around her, she will go out of her way to protect them at her own expense and she will nurture those friendships she's built. Her suli subverbs and beliefs don't come off as a surprise, not to anyone around her and not to us as readers because she proudly displays her faith.

Many times, it felt like people, even Kaz, saw her faith as her weakness, something to be exploited, her sentiments something to poke fun at and use to taunt her with, but it's what makes her stronger. It's these thoughts and feelings that keep her going and keep her fighting. It's these friendships and heartfelt moments that she pushes herself over the edge for, and it's that dream just out of reach that rekindles her spirits even brighter than ever, and there's something so beautiful and heartwarming in it and about her that I can honestly spend this new year dissecting and talking about because am insufferable with a rotting hyperfixation. Why are you still here? Jkjk thankyou for reading this brain vomit of thoughts see you in my next tedtalk maybe. Btw if it wasn't glaringly clear I love SoC and Inej lol

#inej #inej ghafa #inejghafa #six of crows inej #six of crows #soc #soc fandom #soc inej #grisha #grishaverse #six of crows spin off #six of crows spoilers #mia talks books ig #welcome to my brain rot #six of crows fandom

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deliasbabe · 1 year ago

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I'll Travel Far Beyond the Path of Reason (Take me back to Eden)- Cordelia x reader (Part 1)

You and Cordelia get into a fight and you are attacked by witch hunters. If you couldnt tell by the summary, heavy HEAVY angst.

I've been working on this for over a year and if I don't post it now I'll continue to tweak it until the end of time. Enjoy babes and I'll see you for part 2!

Words: 8.6k

Warnings: Violence, Blood, ANGST, drugging, drug & alcohol use, PTSD

How could you have been so stupid?

It had started off innocently. You had always played the good cop to your supreme’s bad cop. She dispensed the punishment, stern but always loving, and you spared the girls from it as much as possible. It had become sort of a banter between the two of you, the way you would intercept the issues before they ever reached her office door, correcting the situation so well she only ever heard about it months after the fact in hushed whispers. She would always scold you, but there was a hint of a smile only you could see, and she never was mad for long. So, when the girls called you the other night and admitted they messed up, you climbed out of bed and drove across town without a second thought, and without waking your sleeping girlfriend.

You thought it was simple, they snuck out after curfew, went to a party, and drank a bit too much. But when the cops knocked on the coven’s door two days later, your girlfriend was blindsided, and you had learned their little screw up wasn’t so little.

Grand theft auto, to be exact. Seems they had left out the part where they took some asshats car for a joyride and crashed it, but that was after he had been a little too handsy with the youngest and tried to spike her drink. You called it penance, but your girlfriend called it-

“A felony, Y/N.” She spat, “They committed a felony, and you kept it from me.”

“I didn’t know all of the information.” You argued, “All I knew was they snuck out and needed a ride.”

“You still should have told me. I’m responsible for those girls.” Cordelia fumed, “I know I let you get away with it before, but this is too far. What am I supposed to tell their parents? That their own teacher helped them leave the scene of a crime?”

“Once again, Dee,” You lamented, “I didn’t know. They kept that tidbit of information private.”

It was supposed to be date night, the one day a month you could manage to drag your workaholic girlfriend from her office and away from her responsibilities. But she was seething over her glass of red and you couldn’t seem to get a word in edgewise, so you quickly came to terms with the fact that it wasn’t going to be a pleasant evening, even if you were at one of the nicest places in town.

“You know that doesn’t matter.” She spit, “They could go to jail.”

“What would you have done if you’d known?” You asked, already knowing the answer, “If I had woken you up, what would you have done? Woken Mallory up so she could reverse time and make sure the whole thing didn’t happen? Magically move the dented pieces back into place? You couldn’t have done anything.”

“Don’t be condescending.” Cordelia growled, “You aren’t supposed to keep secrets from me, that’s not how this works. Especially when it comes to the girls. You should have said something.”

“So you could yell at them for sneaking out? So, when they did it again, they’d be too scared to call?” You asked, Cordelia shaking her head.

“They still lied to you,” She bit, “So your plan seems to have some flaws.”

“They were scared.” You argued, “They knew if they told me everything, I would’ve come to you.”

“You should have come to me regardless.” Cordelia spat, “I’m the headmistress of this academy and your supreme.”

“And I trust you with my life,” You said, “But right now you aren’t really showing your level head.”

And oh boy, if her eyes could shoot daggers, you’d be bleeding out on the floor. She scoffed, her jaw clenching and grinding as she mulled over her response. Normally, she would roll her eyes and grin at the joke, but she simply shook her head and grabbed her things, leaving the restaurant without another word.

“Delia…” You called after her, but she didn’t turn around, and your waitress was on you before you could even think to go after her, “I guess I’ll take the check.”

When you reached the parking lot, your car was gone, and you lolled your head back and let out a frustrated grunt as it started to drizzle. The symbolism wasn’t lost on you, walking across town in the rain only to come back with your tail between your legs. She was putting you through the ringer for this one, and while you couldn’t really blame her, she also wasn’t being completely fair. Not telling her the girls had snuck out was on you, one hundred percent. But you weren’t a mind reader, and you had absolutely no way of knowing the girls weren’t being truthful, you were just as surprised as she was. But still, you knew she needed someone to be angry with, now that the damage was done.

Still, an hour long walk in the now pouring rain seemed a bit excessive. The woman was blessed with the ability to transmutate but still left you stranded just to prove a point. You were lucky you had been in the city long enough to know your way around, especially at night. The choice to avoid the French Quarter added about twenty minutes to your trek, but it was the smarter option, given the string of muggings that seemed to plague the location, although the extra time didn’t help you escape your thoughts.

You and Cordelia had never fought like this. Sure, you bickered, but all it took was one well timed joke and the feeling was fleeting, replaced with poorly hidden smiles and ticklish sides. The arguments were meaningless, spurred on by minor miscommunications or the occasional poorly timed joke, never like this, if anything they were humorous. You knew Cordelia was protective, that she’d do anything for her girls, and you had grown to love her mama-bear tendencies, but she had never turned them on you.

You turned down an empty alley, a shortcut that would spit you out a few houses down from your destination, your desperation to get home overpowering your hatred of tiny, cramped, dimly lit spaces. You walked quickly, looking over your shoulder at every step, terrified that you would turn around and someone would be chasing you with an axe like the movies.

You glanced forward, a few more steps and you would be free, but as soon as you approached the exit, two men stepped into your view, and you stopped on a dime, “Going somewhere, witch?”

Witch Hunters.

Since the coven had gone public, more men were willing to join their ranks, and you turned on your heel and booked it the second they stepped in your direction. You never were a star athlete, though, and soon enough you were being pulled to the ground and restrained. You fought against it, earning a set of knuckles to the left side of your face, and you felt his ring scratch down your cheek as you tasted blood. You felt their hands everywhere, holding you down as three more blows hit, your stomach, the side of your ribs, and another to the face just for good measure. You tried to focus, but complete panic overwhelmed all your senses. You knew how to handle this. Cordelia had worked with you and trained you until you could do it in your sleep, but with the adrenaline pumping and the blood rushing through your ears you couldn’t seem to remember it at all, all you knew was that you had to get home to Cordelia to warn her, you couldn’t keep something from her again.

Somewhere in the haze you caught a flash of silver, a searing pain, and then the hands were gone. You didn’t remember pulling yourself up, but as you were dragging yourself back towards the house, you did remember having to dislodge your feet from under the dead bodies. It hurt to breathe, to stand, to move, but you mustered up what energy you could as you pulled yourself up the steps of the academy, wiping at your face as you spotted your car in the driveway, only for your hand to be covered in blood.

Your vision grew hazy as you reached for the doorknob, and you clumsily felt around till you were met with the cold, metal object, unable to trust your own eyes. You pressed your weight into the door, practically falling through and barely catching yourself on the entryway table. You spotted your lover in the kitchen, her back to you as you attempted to right yourself, “Dee…”

“I’m not talking to you.” She said shortly, shaking her head.

You lost your balance once more, falling into the wall this time. “No, Delia…” You tried again, your voice sounding strangled.

At the drop in your tone Cordelia was alarmed, shoulders squaring as she whipped her head around to meet your eyes. You didn’t think it was all that bad until you saw her expression, the way her eyes bugged out in horror, mouth gapping as she traced your form up and down, before her eyes landed on your stomach. You followed her gaze only to see a knife, and suddenly you were falling down, down, down.

You were pulsing in and out of consciousness, the world turning into a stop motion film. You saw her moving towards you, then she was on top of you, mouth forming around words and phrases you couldn’t seem to comprehend.

“What… Can you… Hold on… Stay with…”

You felt hands, first two on your face, tracing your cheekbone and calming you down. Then, you felt them everywhere, lifting you, and you fought against them with whatever strength you had left, deep laughs invading your mind as you felt those hands grip tighter and tighter. But then the rest of the hands were gone and there were those hands again, on your face and so soft, shushing you and lulling you into some limbo you didn’t know if you ever wanted to reach, running through your hair and grabbing your hand as you finally let the dark win.

“Just let it happen.”

Murmurs of familiar voices drew you into some semblance of consciousness. You couldn’t identify who was speaking, and for whatever reason, your eyelids felt like lead, unable to let even a sliver of light in.

But you could hear, the rustle of hair brushing against fabric, the tap of shoes.

“Not now.”

“You need to eat; it’s been two days.”

Then, a tone you recognized, still pleasant, but just enough bite to get the point across.

“I said not now.”

You tried to wiggle your fingers, flex your hands, show any sign of life, but there was some sort of disconnect between your body and mind, and it drove you nuts. Were you dead?

At the sound of the voice again, you wanted to reach out, to provide some comfort, but you couldn’t, and it made you want to scream. You were always claustrophobic, but this was a million times worse. You could feel your panic rising, the heat in your body constricting your lungs until you felt like you were suffocating. You heard a sound you couldn’t recognize, then the shuffling of feet.

“What’s going on?”

Then that voice, high pitched and panicked, “I don’t know.”

“Is she in pain? Do I need to get Mallory?”

That name, you knew that name, but why?

There was a pinch, then every nerve in your body was searing before going numb, the voices fading as you were desperately trying to claw your way back, losing your grip and falling into nothing once again.

When your eyes opened, the light blinded you and made your head throb, forcing you to shut them again. Slowly, you cracked one open at a time, trying to make sense of your surroundings. There were a pair of heels discarded by the bed, and the steady pounding of footsteps, one right after the other, a pause, and one right after the other again. You tried to lift your gaze up, only to be met with the glaring reflection of the sun rays in the mirror, and you shut your eyes and burrowed deeper under the covers. The footsteps stopped at the sound, stuttering against the hardwood, only to pick back up a moment later.

You cracked open one eye and looked down at the end of the bed, your girlfriend traversing the length of her bedroom, arms crossed, and a red thumbnail pinched between her teeth as she stared at the floor. You watched her for a moment, hair mused and lipstick smudged, wearing your favorite dress, and it almost brought a smile to your face, but then she turned around and you saw the dark maroon stain and everything came rushing back as your eyes snapped open.

She hadn’t changed, hadn’t washed her hands. The shoes discarded by your bed were the ones she was wearing, probably chucked to the side once the pain of the pacing had become too much to bear. You bit back tears, swallowed down the terror, and tried to speak, but your throat was dry and hoarse from the screaming. Your mouth moved over empty words, trying again and again until something finally fell out.

“You need to eat.”

Her gaze met yours, hands falling to her sides, but just as quickly as the relief had come, it was replaced by something haunted. She stepped towards you, arms reaching for you, then falling, then reaching again, until she settled on grabbing the sheets next to you, fingers fidgeting in the cotton. She met your eyes, looked away, looked back again, before choosing to stare at the headboard, “How are you feeling?”

You went with a joke, hoping to ease her discomfort, “Like I got stabbed.”

There was no laugh, no smile, not even a twitch at the corners of her mouth. You reached for her hand, rubbing your thumb along the back, but she pulled it away, smoothing out the wrinkles in her dress as she stepped back. “I’ll get you some water.”

“Delia…” You called after her, images racing through your mind of the last time she left you alone, causing your heart to bang in your chest, but she was already out the door, her feet tapping on the stairs, growing quieter with each passing second.

When she finally returned, it felt like an eternity had passed. She handed you the glass without even sparing you a glance, searching the room for a moment before she returned to your side with full hands. The glass between your lips was quickly replaced by a thermometer, a blood pressure cuff slipped up your arm and squeezing as you whined in protest.

“Shh,” She chided you, her voice absent of any of the warmth that used to feel like coming home, “Your blood pressure is still elevated.”

“You need to eat.” You said again, only for her to ignore you, so you settled for questions, anything to make her actually talk to you. “How long was I out for?”

She glanced up at you, looking perplexed for a moment before shaking her head and refocusing on the task at hand. “Four days.” She finally said, her hands reaching for the nightstand and coming back with a vial.

“Is everyone ok?” You asked, watching her draw the liquid from the vial up into a syringe.

“The girls are fine.” She answered, too focused on checking for air bubbles to even spare you a glance. Something was wrong, you felt it in your bones, but she ducked and weaved through every emotion.

“Are you ok?” You asked, reaching for her but coming up short as she stepped back.

She looked at you then, eyes hazy as she shook her head, “I’m fine.”

“You don’t seem fine.” You challenged, only for her to glare at you.

“You need rest.” She said, her eyes leaving yours once more, lifting your blanket and repositioning your leg, “You’re still healing.”

You felt tears burning behind your eyes, the fear still lingering that if you dared to sleep, you wouldn’t wake up. “I want to talk to you.” You said, trying to ignore the way your voice cracked as you grabbed her arm, halting her movements.

Her face fractured then, but only slightly, and you swore you heard her sniffle back tears. You thought you had her, but then she was reaching and prying your fingers off of her, the alcohol wipe drying your skin and burning your nostrils. “You can,” She murmured, shaking her head once more, “After you rest.”

You shook your head as she uncapped the needle, trying to wriggle out of her grasp, but within moments you were frozen in place, the needle pinching your skin and warmth quickly spreading through your veins, making your body go limp and your eyes droop. “But…” You began, fighting to keep your eyes open, your mouth moving. She shushed you, bringing her hands to your face and pressing her lips to your forehead, but you knew it was only to placate you, to give you a sliver of hope that everything was alright.

Over the next few days, you barely saw her, despite being stationed in her bedroom. The girls came and kept you company, but every time you would ask about Cordelia, they would dance around the subject, sharing glances you couldn’t quite understand and making some excuse about paperwork before changing the subject entirely. They did their best to keep your spirits up, but they knew they weren’t who you wanted, and you tried to ignore the pitiful looks they threw in your direction when they thought you couldn’t see them.

The only time you saw her was when she was administering your medication, coming up with every excuse to not be able to stay during the day. She promised you more time in the evening, only to knock you out the moment you dared to ask about anything outside of the weather.

She wasn’t sleeping, you knew this because you lived in her bed and she wasn’t in it. That, and you had spent enough time studying her face over the past week that you noticed the bags under her eyes becoming darker and darker. She had finally changed her clothes, but you didn’t know how, given that she avoided you for a majority of the day. Maybe she was grabbing them after she forced you into unconsciousness, or maybe she stockpiled them in her office. You grew to hate the sunset, the orange haze making your skin crawl at the thought of what was to come. You felt violated from being forced into submission, and as the days dragged on, you couldn’t help but feel the fear that lodged itself in your throat every time she would appear.

A week in, you broke, curled into a ball with tears streaming down your face as you begged, but she just reached for the vial once again, murmuring something about how your body needed rest, always more rest. She reached to stabilize you and you retreated, pulling your legs close to your body and pushing further and further up the bed every time she would bridge the gap, almost knocking yourself to the floor in the process.

Cordelia didn’t understand, brow pinched together as you begged, “Please, just talk to me.” She shook her head imperceptibly, eyes blank as she reached for you again, and you shrieked, launching yourself off the bed and onto the floor, “No!”

Cordelia stared at you in shock, her eyes scanning your face for some semblance of reason, but you weren’t even looking at her, eyes trained on the syringe as your face contorted in fear. She followed your line of sight, then looked back at you, her stoic expression splintering as the realization dawned on her. The syringe clattered to the floor, and you finally tore your eyes away, staring back at her with that same terrified expression as her eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry.” She choked, shaking her head as she forced herself to look away, her voice dropping to a whisper, “I can’t do this.”

You didn’t say anything as she walked out, couldn’t bring yourself to stop her, and as you sat on the floor and waited for someone to find you, you finally came to terms with your new reality, with the idea that even if you wanted it to, things would never be the same. You didn’t know how long you had been sitting there, but eventually Mallory picked you up from the floor and got you back into bed, foregoing your nightly medication. As the night drew on with no sleep in sight, you found you craved it, at least it was peaceful, unlike the war raging in your mind.

Something changed that day. The oblivion you once fought tooth and nail to stay out of had become your safe haven. By the time Mallory had visited you the next morning, you had demanded it, morning, noon, and night. You didn’t see Cordelia once in the week that followed, although with how much you were sleeping, you wouldn’t have noticed even if she had payed you a visit, although you doubted she did. Your supreme had always prided herself on her communication, but you knew her well enough to know that when it came to the hard things, it was the first to go. You didn’t know what you would say if she did decide to talk to you, didn’t know if there was anything to say.

Once they were sure you could manage to get around on your own, they let you return to your room, forcing you back into reality and removing every coping mechanism you had. You kept to yourself for the first few days, downing Benadryl like it was water and sleeping through most of the day. On the third day, you managed to stumble down for dinner, only for the seat at the head of the table to remain empty the entire time. The girls were all thrilled to see you, talking your ear off about all the things you had missed, but in your haze you could barely pay attention.

From the little you did hear, it seemed your supreme had found a way to solve your dilemma, convincing the man to change his story and drop the charges in exchange for a brand new, much nicer car. A quick and dirty fix that was so unlike her, you had to wonder what state she was in when she gave the green light. You told yourself it didn’t matter, that what was done was done, but when you went back to your room it was all you could think about, staring at the ceiling for as long as you could manage before you were reaching for the Benadryl once again.

You ran out on day four, and with it, so did your patience. You had cried and wallowed and overthought for weeks on end, an endless pit that did nothing but drag you down. You couldn’t live that way anymore, so you left your room, taking up residence in the common area and hoping the chatter would keep you grounded. You talked and laughed with the girls, but no matter how hard you tried, it all felt forced, a failed distraction from the emptiness that took up residence inside your chest. The harder you pushed, the worse it felt, and by the time dinner rolled around, you had reached some fucked-up form of acceptance, resigning to the fact that you probably wouldn’t ever feel whole again.

You saw her then, at the head of the table, talking quietly with some of the younger girls, and you forced yourself to keep your head down, pushing at your food, afraid that if she met your eyes, she would bolt again. It didn’t matter, she didn’t look in your direction once, not even when your youngest student, Lottie, called your name and asked you both to watch an incantation she had just learned, or as she called it, “A magic trick”. Despite the tightness in your chest, you couldn’t help but smile at the innocence there, the way everything was still so new to her and full of wonder. You wished you still had that, like you had when you first came to the academy, before you learned of the consequences.

Cordelia was the first to leave the table, and the tension was palpable. You could feel everyone’s eyes drift to you, only to look away without a word. You grabbed your dish and headed towards the kitchen, depositing your untouched dinner in the trash and your plate in the sink.

“Well look who’s back to the land of the living.” You heard Madison call out from behind you, turning to face her. Madison was never one to beat around the bush, and you waited for the question to cut you like a knife, “Did you and Foxxy break up?”

You ground your teeth, jaw muscles flexing and releasing as you contemplated your answer, only to be hit with a punch to the gut when you realized you didn’t have one. You thought you had accepted it, whatever it was, but your eyes were glassy against your own volition, stomach twisting into knots as you spit out, “I don’t know.”

Madison’s smirk fell, the prideful look in her eyes replaced with something you couldn’t read. She didn’t push like you expected, she just nodded, and that was all you needed for your world to crack open, any strength you had left spilling out and vanishing. You grabbed your shoes and keys, heading for the door as they called out for you, saying you couldn’t leave, you weren’t strong enough yet, you could get hurt, but you didn’t care.

You didn’t care if your stitches ripped and you bled out in the middle of nowhere. You didn’t care if you were hit by oncoming traffic and left to die by the side of the road. You didn’t care if you fell off a cliff and they had to fish your body out of the river. Everything, your entire life, your entire world, was gone. There was nothing left for you, it was taken, and you didn’t care what happened next.

You arrived at the swamp with nothing but a bottle of whiskey. Misty had taken you out there once to gather mud, told you how sometimes it was the only place she could go to clear her head, her sanctuary, and you thought it might help, but as you downed the bottle and laid on her bed, you couldn’t help but feel like you were desecrating sacred land. You didn’t know how people did this, how they just kept going and moved on no matter what horrors they faced. You laid down and stared at the stars and cursed the world for spinning, for time moving, because you hadn’t moved in weeks. No matter what you tried, you were still trapped in that alley, in that bed, and nothing could pull you out of it.

Well, something could, or someone, maybe, if they tried, but even that wasn’t a sure thing. You would be an idiot if you didn’t acknowledge that this was more than just an issue with Cordelia, that even if you did talk, even if you did work it out, it wouldn’t fix everything.

But at least you wouldn’t feel so alone.

When you walked through the doors three days later, she was talking with a student at the foot of the stairs, her head raising involuntarily at the sound and her eyes locking with yours. You looked away quickly, leaving your muddy shoes by the door and depositing your keys on the counter, and by the time you went to head up the stairs to shower, she was gone.

She didn’t come to dinner that night, nor the night after, and despite the girls knowing enough to not ask questions, you could hear the faint whispers when they thought you weren’t paying attention. Lottie, however, wasn’t privy to this social knowledge, and she told you everything. Apparently, the three days you were gone was the most time that anyone had seen the supreme in a month. She was back to her usual self, she even started teaching classes again, but the second you came back, she disappeared once more.

You booked a ticket home that night for the following week, quietly packing your things over the course of the next few days. You didn’t know what the future for you held, but you did know you wouldn’t find any closure here, and you weren’t willing to continue subjecting the girls to whatever this was. It was too much, and you couldn’t take it anymore, you needed to get out.

You did your best to avoid telling the girls, not wanting to cause yet another spectacle for them to gawk at, but they seemed to figure it out anyways, and you weren’t sure how. They asked questions about your return, you did your best to dodge them, and for a few days it worked, until the older girls cornered you two days before you were set to leave.

“When are you coming back?” Zoe asked, trying to be delicate as she rephrased the question for the 50th time.

You sighed, “I told you, I don’t know. This isn’t as big of a deal as you guys are making it out to be. I just have some things to take care of.”

“Cut the shit, bitch.” Madison sneered, rolling her eyes, “We’ve all seen the way you and our dear supreme have been skulking around. Are you coming back or not?”

You didn’t want to tell them the truth, knowing if you did then Cordelia was sure to find out about it. You didn’t know what would hurt worse, knowing you left and didn’t give her a chance to fix it, or her finding out and doing nothing. But these were your friends, and despite wanting to have control over the situation, wanting to have the chance to break your own heart, you couldn’t lie to them. “I don’t know.” You finally said, “I don’t think so.”

Madison stared at Zoe with a raised brow, the two having a seemingly silent conversation over your head, but Zoe simply nodded and smiled at you, “Ok, that’s all we needed to know.”

They helped you pack, spent every meal with you, and even slept in your room, wanting to see you as much as possible before you left. It was a little strange to you, but you didn’t necessarily mind it, especially once you realized that the more time they spent with you, the less time they had to talk to Cordelia. They planned a movie night send off for you, gathering all the girls in the living room and handing out popcorn and snacks. After the first movie, you went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water, Madison calling out for you.

“I left a twelve pack of coke in the greenhouse,” She yelled, “Can you go grab it? We’re almost out and I’m too lazy to get up.”

You rolled your eyes but complied, shaking your head as you wandered out toward the greenhouse, smiling to yourself for the first time in weeks. With the way the day had gone, it had almost made you feel guilty for leaving, almost made you change your mind, but the second you stepped through the greenhouse door, a familiar pair of eyes reminded you exactly why you were going.

When she glanced up at your smiling face you swore you saw a flash of happiness, but it was gone in a moment, replaced with that same look that had been haunting you for weeks, like you were intruding on something, but you still hadn’t figured out what. You felt your cheeks catch fire as you cleared your throat, not wanting to make this any more uncomfortable than it had to be, “Sorry, I just need to grab something, and I’ll be out of your hair.”

Cordelia nodded, eyebrows furrowing as she glanced back down, and you felt your nerves prickle beneath your skin, anger swirling in your gut at her display of confusion, like she was clueless.

Still, you didn’t want to cause a scene, didn’t need the added weight to carry with you, so you bit your tongue, heading towards the opposite side of the greenhouse once you spotted the red cardboard. You walked back towards the door with your head down, trying to leave the situation as quickly as possible, hand on the knob and pulling, only for the door to not budge, smacking your head on the glass. You stepped back, grabbing the knob and tugging again, but the door still wouldn’t move. You stood there awkwardly for a moment, not wanting to ask for help with something as simple as opening a door, but when you heard the blades of grass shuffle and the hushed whispers, you audibly groaned.

Cordelia glanced up, but only momentarily, “Is there something wrong?”

You sighed, “The door won’t open.”

You glanced back right as Cordelia looked up, her tone airy in that slight tell of annoyance, “Just open it.”

You glared back at her, “You try it then.”

She shook her head, “Just unlock it.”

“I can’t.” You huffed, crossing your arms and tapping your foot.

Cordelia sighed, “I meant…”

“I know what you meant.” You shot back, obviously annoyed. You were doing your best to keep it together, to act cordial, but it was difficult when Cordelia was treating you like a first-year student. “I can’t. My powers have been…” You explained, biting down on a sigh, “Temperamental, lately.”

That seemed to peak the supreme’s interest, her head tilting as she took a step towards you, “Temperamental as in you’re going to rip the door off its hinges?”

You huffed, choosing to stare anywhere else that wasn’t her, “Temperamental as in they don’t work.”

You didn’t think much of it when you heard her start to walk closer, knowing she wanted this conversation to be over just as badly as you did and was probably looking for a way to get you out of there. You didn’t expect to feel her cold fingertips graze your stomach, finding the hem of your shirt and tugging up as you whipped your head towards her, instantly batting her hands away. She glared at you, reaching for the hem once again with one hand, “We might not have gotten all the silver out.”

You grabbed her wrist, halting her movements, and glared back, “I seriously doubt that’s the issue.”

She sighed, pulling her wrist from your hand as she stood up straight, and you swear you saw her roll her eyes, walking towards the locked door and focusing. You could hear the lock click, but when Cordelia went to turn the knob, it wouldn’t move. She tried again, jiggling the knob in case it was stuck, but it still wouldn’t budge, so she resorted to yanking, only to hear Madison call out, “We enchanted the locks, bitch!”

Cordelia stood there for a moment, dumbfounded, before you heard her also groan, and you couldn’t help but snicker at her frustration, at realizing what you had already known. She turned briefly towards the sound, before sighing and returning to her workstation and resuming whatever she was doing.

At some point, you started pacing the length of the room, arms crossed as you waited for the girls to give up, knowing they likely were standing outside and listening to the whole thing. You didn’t know how long it went on for, but your patience was growing thin and your steps were becoming firm, stomping back and forth, back and forth.

“What are you doing?” Cordelia finally sighed, glancing up with her jaw pitched forward, another tell of annoyance.

“Contemplating murder.” You sassed, Cordelia shaking her head as she tried to focus.

“Could you stop?” She asked in that same airy tone, “You’re distracting.”

You chuckled darkly, “What are you going to do? Knock me out again?”

She rested her hands on the table, her face unimpressed and her tone painfully even, “You needed the rest.”

Another snide laugh fell from your lips as you turned on your heel, still pacing as you mumbled, “Don’t tell me what I fucking needed.”

“You were seriously injured…” Cordelia sighed, like she was scolding a child.

You whipped back towards her, eyes blazing as you bit, “I needed you.”

“I was there.” Cordelia said, shaking her head for what felt like the millionth time.

“No, you weren’t.” You shot back as the supreme sighed.

“I’m sorry if I offended you or hurt you…” She began, but you couldn’t stand to hear it.

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Cordelia.” You interjected, Cordelia throwing up her hands.

“What do you want me to say?” She asked, like you were being unreasonable.

You stood your ground, digging your heels in as you fired back, “Something that doesn’t sound like you’re reading from a script would be nice.”

“I’m not!” She yelled, throwing her head back as you resumed pacing once again, trying desperately to keep yourself in check so you wouldn’t explode.

She watched you pace, back and forth, back and forth, waiting for what she knew was coming, what she couldn’t avoid. It took you longer than she expected, a million questions pilling up on the tip of your tongue, one after the other until they all started to slide out like an avalanche.

“Are you still pissed off at me? Is that what this is?”

“No, I’m not.”

You turned on your heel, staring at her once again, your tone exasperated and snappy, “Then what the hell is it? Because you can barely stand to look at me.”

“I am looking at you.”

“No, you aren’t.” You shot back, “You haven’t for weeks, you haven’t talked to me…”

Cordelia sighed, asking again, “What do you want me to say?”

“Something.” You spit out, your volume increasing, “Anything!”

You stared at her for a moment, waiting, but she just stared back, mouth gaping like she couldn’t even begin to fathom how you both got into this situation. You turned away again, biting down on a scream of frustration and resisting the urge to bang your head against the wall until you knocked yourself out. You didn’t know if you wanted to burn the place down or burst into tears, but you could feel the pressure building in your chest, and you were terrified of the outcome. The words fell out of your mouth before you had the time to register them, “Is it because I failed?”

You could hear the confusion in her tone, “What?”

You swallowed down the tears that threatened to fall, cursing yourself as you turned to face her, “I failed. You taught me how to deal with witch hunters. We went over it time and time again, and I still couldn’t…”

She couldn’t stand the sight of your watery eyes, training her gaze on the table as she croaked out, “No, god no…”

“Then what is it?” You asked again, whatever fight you had left in you disappearing, “Because I’ve been wracking my brain for weeks now, looking for some kind of reason...”

You watched her crack, just a bit, nose twitching against the ghost of tears as she shook her head and stuttered, “It’s not your fault, none of it is your fault. It’s…”

She stopped and shook her head, bracing herself on the desk as her chest heaved. You gave her a moment, not wanting to screw anything up when you were so close to getting the answers you had been searching so desperately for, but when she didn’t move to continue, you prompted her, “It’s?”

She looked up at you then, really looked at you, with tears in her eyes, moments away from spilling over, and you stepped toward her on instinct. She looked back down, clearing her throat as she tried to right herself, “It’s not your fault, it’s mine.”

You stepped toward her again, not sure you heard her right, “What?”

“It’s my fault you got hurt.” She clarified, and you shook your head, unable to speak, but she silenced you regardless, “I took the car, I made you walk home. I wasn’t thinking clearly, and you had to pay the price.” You shook your head, still unable to find your voice, but then you heard hers, weak and broken, “And I can’t ever express to you how sorry I am for that.”

“You didn’t know…” You squeaked, “You couldn’t know…”

She shook her head, “It doesn’t matter. It’s my job to protect my girls, all my girls, and I failed. I failed to protect you.”

“You- You saved me.” You stuttered, and the supreme shook her head.

“I fixed the damage I caused.” She sneered, but you knew her tone wasn’t directed at you.

“Delia...” You tried, taking another step towards her, but she held out her hand.

“If I can’t prioritize the safety of the girls over my own emotions, I’m no better than my mother.” She spit between gritted teeth, looking away to wipe at a tear once she saw your hurt expression.

You shook your head, “You could never be your mother.”

She shook her head, but didn’t respond, so you stepped forward, closing the gap between you and reaching for her, but she pushed you away, and that’s when it hit you.

She wasn’t trying to hurt you, she wasn’t punishing you, she was punishing herself. All this time you had been flipping your brain inside out, trying to find the meaning behind every look, every blank expression. But she wasn’t looking at you in disgust, she was in pain.

But the way she was looking at you now, you knew that look, had seen it time and time again, when she wanted something but couldn’t bring herself to ask for it, so you did. “Delia? Kiss me? Please?”

The look morphed as her brows pinched together, her eyes going dim as she shook her head. You begged and pleaded, wanting nothing more than for that look to return, for her to touch you and hold you and for everything to be ok again, but she wouldn’t relent. As soon as you started pleading, she stepped back and looked away, unable to bear the sight of you.

Something finally snapped, and everything you had been pushing away for the past month came rushing in like a tidal wave. You felt it buzzing in your chest, creeping up and up and up, spreading out to your limbs and making your entire body burn. You stalked towards the door, tugging on it again and again and again, bracing your feet on the walls and putting your whole body weight behind it. You looked ridiculous, but you didn’t care, you couldn’t care.

At some point, Cordelia must have turned around, watching you struggle for a moment before she finally spoke, “It won’t open.”

“I don’t care.” You seethed, “It needs to.”

You settled for sitting on the ground, bracing yourself against a table and kicking with your feet, “You’re going to hurt yourself.”

“I. Don’t. Care.” You spat, punctuating each word with a kick. When that didn’t seem to work, you settled for throwing your entire body against the door, hoping if you couldn’t break the lock, then you could at least crack the doorframe.

“You are still healing.” Cordelia said, walking towards you and reaching, but you batted her away, “You shouldn’t be doing any strenuous activity for at least another two weeks.”

You finally stopped, your body vibrating as you stared Cordelia down, “I don’t care. I have a plane to catch tomorrow.” Her brow furrowed, and you turned back towards the door, banging on it with your fists, “I have things to do!”

“Where are you going?” Cordelia asked, arms crossing.

You turned back towards her, throwing up your hands, “Home, Cordelia. Where else would I go?”

You watched her face contort, watched the hurt flash across her eyes, and you couldn’t stand it, “Don’t look at me like that.”

Cordelia scoffed, beginning to grow defensive, “Didn’t you want me to look at you?”

“Not like that.” You bit, “You don’t get to look at me like that, like I’m hurting you. Not after what you did.”

“According to you, I didn’t do anything.” She snapped, and you knew she was baiting you now.

“Exactly. You did nothing.” You spit between gritted teeth, whipping around and punching the door as hard as you could.

“You’re bleeding.” Cordelia stated, staring at the smear of blood on the door, then glancing at your busted knuckles.

“Good.” You bit, punching the door again, and a third time for good measure.

“Stop.” She called out sternly, but you were too far gone to listen, hitting, scratching, clawing, and kicking the door repeatedly as you lost it completely, “Stop!”

“I need to get out of here.” You huffed, “I need to go home.”

Your face smacked against the door as you slammed against it with your shoulder, tasting blood as you swallowed down the tears that were forming. Memories ripped through your mind in quick succession, a blow to your face, a kick to your ribs, and then the room constricted in time with your lungs, the walls moving closer, and closer.

You started screaming at some point, you felt it, but you could barely make it out in between the gaps in your heartbeat that was pulsing in your ears. You threw yourself against the door, harder and harder as the tears flowed in lava rivers down your face. Cordelia reached for you, shushing you and grabbing the empty space as you pulled away, screaming about home, how you needed to go home, get on a plane and never come back. How she hurt you and she didn’t care, she never cared, how all of this was a mistake, how you were a mistake.

You felt her hands grab you quickly, spinning you around before you could push her away, and then her lips were on yours and she was kissing you hard, hands pushing and pulling and grabbing anywhere they could reach, leading you away from the door and bumping into anything in your path. She kissed you like she was starving, teeth clashing and biting, nails scratching and pinching and ripping, but you were the same, and now that you had her, you couldn’t let her go. You let every part of her invade your senses, her wet cheeks pressing against your own, her gritty hands and cold rings and the taste of red wine on her tongue.

You didn’t come up for air until she pushed you against the opposite wall, lungs burning and desperate for oxygen, but even as she pulled back, you leaned forward, not wanting to face whatever came next. Your chests heaved into one another as you both stared wide eyed, and in that split second of nothing it all came crashing down. You watched her, watched her watch you, felt her chest push against you and a sob tear out of her throat, and you followed right behind her, closing your eyes as you braced for her to pull away, leaving you cold and empty once again.

Instead, she rested her forehead against yours, whimpering I’m sorry, I’m so sorry and I love you over and over and over again as she pressed her mouth to yours, pushing air into your lungs and sucking it right back out, her hands on your forearms, anchoring you in place. You held onto her hair like a lifeline, your legs giving out from exhaustion and suddenly you both were falling, but she didn’t let go.

You landed on your knees and collapsed into her, her arms wrapping around you as she pulled you to her chest, her lips pressed to your forehead and fingers carding through your hair as she whispered that same mantra, over and over and over again. You didn’t know what she was doing, didn’t know if she knew what she was doing, but with every pull of her fingers it felt like your memories of the past month were being extracted one by one, racing across your vision as the tears gave way to wails of anguish, her own cries increasing in time with yours. You felt it all over again, every ounce of emotion like it was the first time, and you didn’t know how she was doing it, or why.

When it was over, you had nothing left, no tears, no voice, no screams, nothing. You looked up at Cordelia in a daze, but she just smiled sadly back at you. You tried to speak, but your brain was fried, exhaustion quickly taking over your senses. Cordelia looked down at you knowingly, her fingers running down your cheeks as she shushed you, but you shook your head, afraid that if you gave in, you would wake up alone. She shushed you once more, kissing your forehead as she whispered, “I’m not going anywhere, it’s ok.”

#sarah paulson #ahs #cordelia foxx #cordelia goode #sarah paulson x reader #cordelia foxx x reader

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