#I know for a fact I earned more than 61 coins

[gamenu]

Not me being one of the unlucky ones getting the bugged achievement in BG3!!!

The Busker achievement not tracking it at all, but still counting it according to other folks with it. I'm suffering not being able to keep count ya'll.

[warcraft-lore-archives]

The Folk & Fairy Tales of Azeroth Lore Facts

Editor’s Note: “Some of the tales you’ll encounter here may be rooted in canon, or they may be another traveler just telling a tall tale.” 

Eyes of the Earth Mother

Though the Earth Mother heard the whispers of the Old Gods, she could not be swayed by them (13).

Pregnant, the Earth Mother sought a place away from the Old Gods’ corruptive influence to give birth to her children. Unable to find such a place, however, she decided to shape the world and, in doing so, create her own safe haven (14). 

All of Azeroth’s lands, waters, and even the elements themselves came forth at this moment. They were suffused with enough of the Earth Mother’s essence so soon after their inception that they kept the Old Gods’ powers at bay (14). 

The Earth Mother gave birth to twins: first An’she, a beacon of life and warmth, then came Mu’sha, who was to bring rest, tranquility, and healing. The elements called them the “sun” and the “moon” (15). 

Eventually, both An’she and Mu’sha developed connections with the elements. An’she found himself able to wield the light and warmth of fire while Mu’sha maintained some control over the tides and winds (15-16). 

The twins even went so far as to use the elements to create weapons to spar with. Mu’sha opted for a bow and arrow, whereas An’she’s weapon of choice was a set of blades (16).

To keep her children safe from the Old Gods’ ever-present influence while she slept, the Earth Mother took both An’she and Mu’sha up into her eyes. Their power was so great that she had to keep one eye open at all times (16).

This, however, meant that Azeroth no longer received An’she’s warmth or Mu’sha’s guidance of the wind while the Earth Mother rested. Cold slowly spread across the land and blizzards raged until she finally woke again (18).

The Earth Mother’s cycle between periods of sleep and awakening would come to form the basis of the seasons as we know them, with her time of work the summer and her time of rest the winter (18).

As the twins grew in power, they developed the ability to bring on the change of seasons at will, though they took care to do it slowly and give the world time to adjust. As the Earth Mother rested, An’she and Mu’sha continued to tend to Azeroth from behind her eyes (19). 

After waking at one point, the Earth Mother found that there was new life walking the earth. Plucking wheat from the plains to sprinkle over them, the Earth Mother called them “Shu’halo,” - the tauren (19).

Just as the Earth Mother taught her children, both An’she and Mu’sha taught the Shu’halo in the ways of the elements and caring for the land (20). 

When the Earth Mother next slept, however, the Old Gods extended their influence to the tauren, causing them to grow violent and turn on their own kind (20).

Saddened to see the tauren fall to such corruption, the Earth Mother shed a single tear. She realized that the land was no longer able to hold the Old Gods’ power at bay, meaning anything it touched could be corrupted (21). 

Knowing that she was not safe for her children anymore because of her own connection to the land, the Earth Mother removed An’she and Mu’sha from her eyes and laid down in despair (21-22). 

The single tear that the Earth Mother had shed became a blue baby, later named “Lo’sho,” or the Blue Child (22, 24). 

Seeking to put an end to the Old Gods after what they had done to the tauren and the despair they instilled in their mother, An’she and Mu’sha fought against some of the eldritch beings’ manifestations. During the battle, An’she was wounded grievously. Though Mu’sha sought to heal him with wind and water, he continued to bleed (24).

The Earth Mother, stirred by her distant children’s dismay, eventually found her way to them. She urged them to take Lo’sho and go to the heavens so they could protect Azeroth from above, while the Earth Mother chose to root herself in the earth and prevent the Old Gods from ever claiming her children (26-27).

Mu’sha, the moon, continues to follow An’she closely across the sky so she can keep tending to his wounds (26). 

One Small Tuskarr

The tuskarr etch their clan and family symbols into their tusks. Though this is customary, some do engrave other symbols - such as marks indicating deeds of great distinction - into their tusks as well (32, 36). 

The catch master, who weighs the tuskarr’s catches, has a counting staff adorned with cords in the colors of each of the clan’s active fishermen. In accordance with how big a tuskarr’s haul of fish is, the catch master ties a single knot or more into their respective cord. These knots can be traded for tools, weapons, and coins, among other things (32-33). 

A single knot is customary for those who meet basic requirements, while additional knots are allotted to those who catch more (33). 

One can also earn knots from other tasks, such as fine embroidery, though they do so at a much slower rate than those who fish (38). 

Food is shared equally among the tuskarr (33).

The tuskarr perform nomadic journeys that take them to various kalu’ak towns. While the fishers take their own boats, most of the mothers, adolescents, and children trek across the ice (34). 

Fishing practices are passed down from parent to child. Though it is unclear if that is “law,” some of the tuskarr refuse to teach others to fish if they are not their own blood, going so far as to withhold information about the currents and places fish gather (36).

Tuskarr sometimes dye their moustaches (36).

It never gets fully dark in Northrend (38).

Oacha’noa is the tuskarr’s deity of both the sea and wisdom. Her symbol is that of a kraken (39). 

The spearhead on most tuskarr weapons is made of sharpened bone (42).

A type of manta ray known as the stargazer can be found in Northrend’s waters (44).

The tuskarr can survive in water so cold it would kill other races native to Azeroth in mere minutes (45).

The tuskarr typically fly kites for fun, though they have been known to use them to send signals to others at great distances (48).

Lay Down My Bones

According to Vulpera beliefs, the first of their kind was born from the magic of the desert. Though they are a nomadic people, an old tale about an artifact called the Wailing Bone claims the desert calls their bodies back to where they began when they die. To ensure they find their way back, the vulpera follow the Wailing Bone (55-56). 

Once one of their own has passed, it is customary for the next of kin to carry the bone at the head of the caravan while the vulpera wander in search of the proper place to bury them. The journey may take anywhere from days to weeks, but when the Wailing Bone begins to cry, the vulpera know they have found their loved one’s final resting place (56, 61). 

A poem is carved into the Wailing Bone: “Wander, roam; bring me home, / Down paths at my behest; / Among the stones, lay down my bones, / So I, at last, may rest”. Few can read the script it is written in, but most all vulpera can recite it from heart (54). 

Two vulpera, frustrated at their inability to find their elder’s final resting place, neglected their duty and left his corpse in a river in the hopes that it would bring him there for them. Refusing to obey the Wailing Bone caused it to crack. From that night on, the vulpera of the caravan found themselves cursed for failing to heed the Wailing Bone (62, 65).

Cracking under the pressure of the curse, the two negligent vulpera ultimately died gruesome deaths at each other’s hands. One of their bones was made into the next Wailing Bone (65).

A caravan always needs a Wailing Bone (65).

The Uninvited Guest

One goblin adage goes like so: “Every great goblin invention was born from necessity, bubble gum, or an accident” (69).

The goblins have a nursery rhyme: “In the dark of night and bright of day, / Keep in your hand a tossaway. / Guard your fortune, mind your greed, / Or else the Uninvited Guest will feed” (70).

The Uninvited Guest is a goblin boogeyman of sorts who is attracted by greed so egregious it offends even the dead. It is incorporeal, invisible, and has the ability to move through walls (76).

The Uninvited Guest feeds off of greed, but it can never be satisfied. It will latch onto its host like an invisible parasite to feed, inciting strange charitable behavior in them until they have given away all of their earthly possessions (76-79). 

A “tossaway” is a shiny gold-painted coin stamped with the face of the very first trade prince. These fake coins get their name from the way goblins quite literally toss them away in a symbolically superstitious act to protect themselves and their fortunes from the Uninvited Guest (70, 74). 

Tossaways were invented by Slixi Boompowder, the wife of one of the former trade princes of the Steamwheedle Cartel, after her own run-in with the Uninvited Guest. She only escaped from it because she distracted it with actual gold galleons, which inspired her to create the tossaways (83).

Legend has it that the Uninvited Guest still roams Azeroth to this day, looking to feed off of hapless greedy goblins (84). 

Klaxz Boompowder was one of the former trade princes of the Steamwheedle Cartel. His rival was Rikter Hogsnozzle, the trade prince of the Bilgewater Cartel (70-71).

Tradition dictates that goblins are buried with their most valuable possessions so they can enjoy them at the Everlasting Party, the goblin afterlife. They are then given burial gifts by other goblins from their own riches, though most goblins are too greedy to truly part with anything important (73).

Once the coffin is sealed, goblins dance on top of it to usher the deceased on to the Everlasting Party (75). 

Prominent goblins typically serve as pallbearers while goblins contractually obligated to serve as pack mules carry the rear (75). 

The goblins used to employ golden galleons as their form of currency, but it fell out of fashion. Nowadays, they are incredibly rare and expensive (74-75). 

Trolls have a tale about an invisible evil that sucks the souls from living beings and leaves them mad. It can only be seen in the light of a full moon (80). 

Sister is Another Word For Always

Vereesa felt Sylvanas’ death at the hands of Arthas the moment it happened (89-90). 

Sylvanas’ eyes were gray as a high elf (91). 

In the midst of her sorrow at her sister’s death, Vereesa sought many escapes. At first she tried to sleep, but when rest and forgetfulness would not come, she embarked on a journey across deserts and forests with little in the way of proper food or nourishment except that which she found (90, 93). 

It is very possible Vereesa perished at some point on this journey, for she came across a spirit healer, though she was told it was not yet her time. The spirit healer offered Vereesa a deal: if she could bring her the willing soul of Sylvanas without ever touching her, the spirit healer would restore her to life (96-97). 

When Sylvanas first died at the hands of Arthas, it seems as though the Arbiter sent her to Ardenweald (98-99). 

After she struggles to locate her sister in Ardenweald, Vereesa is inadvertently pulled into the Maw. There, she still has difficulty finding her, and is told by the Jailer that Sylvanas is not there - at least, not yet. He then urges her to leave, telling her she does not belong there (99, 102-103).

Eventually, Vereesa spots a silver glimmer she knows to be Sylvanas, though it is only a fragment of her soul (103-104). 

Before she can escape with the soul of her sister, the Jailer stops Vereesa and inadvertently tricks her into touching Sylvanas, rendering her deal with the spirit healer null and void (106). 

At the end of this journey, Vereesa awakes at the foot of a statue, her memory of the experience hazy (109). 

The Paladin’s Beast

Uther is originally from Stratholme (117).

Introduced as a fable beloved by the princelings and princesses of Lordaeron, the Paladin’s Beast is a tale that follows a young Uther as he finds himself in a mysterious and unfamiliar land. Determined to prove himself and bring back a prize to his fellow paladins, Uther joins a tournament put on by a foreign kingdom despite the protests of its princess. Though he is a strong warrior, she insists the beast of the tournament kills every knight who challenges it. Still, Uther refuses to back down, confident that his faith in the Light will give him the strength he needs to prevail. However, the princess’ words hold true, as every knight who goes to fight the beast before him perishes. When it is his turn, Uther decides to stay his hammer rather than fight, remembering the princess’ words. The beast withdraws, defeated by his act of compassion. It is revealed afterward as Uther goes for his prize that the princess actually was the beast all along, cursed to fight in the tournament for disobeying her father and breaking the royal lineage. She casts a spell on Uther, making it so that when he returns to Lordaeron, he will not remember anything of who she was or his experience there until the day he finds himself in a fiery field. Though the fable ends there, it is said that Uther dreamt of the silver kingdom and its princess for many years to come. It was not until his final moments, trying to fell a beast with weapons rather than compassion, that he would fully remember the princess and her story (111-127). 

For Lies and Liberty

Most undead do not get all of their memories back immediately once they are raised (or given free will). It takes time and encouragement (133-134). 

On the long-standing issue of whether or not undead have ichor or blood running through their veins, it appears one Jeremiah Pall still has blood in his body, though it has stopped moving on account of his still heart (134).

The story of the “Fearless Flyer” - a man known as Captain Whitney - is famous among some of the Alliance forces. According to the man himself, Whitney and his outfit had been fighting orcs for months to no avail when he hatched a bold plan to launch himself by catapult into their camp and take them by surprise, hence the nickname the “Fearless Flyer”. This story, unfortunately, turned out to be nothing but hyperbole. As it stands, a drunk Whitney accidentally got tangled up in nets, fell in the catapult, and was unceremoniously flung into the orcish camp. Believing themselves to be under attack, the orcs retaliated and killed most of the unsuspecting humans while Captain Whitney hid (136, 142). 

Stones, Moss, and Tears

Though female elves traditionally mark their faces after they have achieved a rite of passage, they can continue to add embellishments to commemorate any further deeds (155).

At least one kaldorei lorekeeper was charged with knowing the name of every Sentinel and recording details of their more noteworthy battles (156).

The Bloomblade druids were one of the oldest, unbroken lines of night elf druids (158). 

A species of insect known as glowmoths migrate through Mount Hyjal every autumn (164). 

The Embrace

The White Lady and the Sun were charged with keeping watch over Azeroth as it dreamed (171, 176). 

Though she loved the people of Azeroth dearly, the White Lady found herself growing lonely and in want of a family (173). 

The moon cycles are thought to be the White Lady turning away and hiding her face in her sorrow, though she would always look back upon Azeroth to watch over it (174).

It is said that the White Lady loved Azeroth and its denizens so much that a child - the Blue Child - was born of that love (174-175).

The Blue Child, ever curious, began asking the White Lady questions about the mortals that weighed on her heart, as she could not answer (176).  

One night the White Lady woke up to find the Blue Child gone. Unable to find her, she swore off her charge until the Blue Child was returned to her (177-178).

Without her guidance, the planet sped up and the tides ceased. The White Lady was only convinced to return to her duty after the Sun urged her, telling her the Blue Child might return if she had the moonlight to guide her (178).

The White Lady began to glow even more brightly over time in the hopes that her child would see, her light quickly growing to rival that of the Sun’s. This, too, caused problems, for crops burned and navigators could not see the stars to travel by (179). 

Upon seeing the terrible effect this was having on Azeroth’s denizens, the White Lady dimmed her light and retreated (181). 

The Blue Child ultimately returned from her long travels to her mother. They embraced in the sky, creating a beautiful eclipse (182).

Ever curious, the Blue Child was bound to grow restless again and leave for the stars, but the White Lady knew she would always return (183). 

When the moon turns red, it is a sign of her anger (177). 

Why the Mermaids Left Boralus

Back when Kul Tiras was still a Gilnean colony, Boralus had hardly any walls or structures protecting it from the wind or sea. More often than not, when the Great Sea churned at the city’s edge, it took houses, ships, and even men down into its depths. So many would drown in these incidents that those remaining covered them with weighted nets, causing them to sink to the seafloor (187-188, 190). 

Many of the roads out of Boralus flooded during great storms, making it deadly to try to leave the city on foot or by ship (198).

The Kul Tirans declined to build a seawall for fear that it would have done nothing and also because repairing it after a storm would have been just as dangerous as the storms themselves (188).

Most of Boralus’ early inhabitants were seamen of some sort, whether fishers, sea priests, sailors, or pearl-divers (188). 

During storms, the tidesages would act as a makeshift seawall and use their power to cut the waves before they made it deeper into the harbor (199).

Mermaids appeared quite openly near Boralus in its early days. Though they lived much deeper than most could naturally dive, they liked to sit on the rocks and watch ships go by, among other things. Most lived in temples beneath the sea that belonged to Kul Tiras’ former inhabitants (189, 191). 

According to superstition, sighting a mermaid was bad luck and presaged many inauspicious things including a doomed voyage, a brutal winter, and poor fishing. They were also seen as the harbingers of storms (189-190). 

Tidesages were (and still are) always the first and last to disembark from a ship. As a result, they usually went down with their ships (191).

The tidesages’ unrivaled dedication, combined with the frequency of drownings and shipwrecks, often meant they died young (191). 

Mermaids are spawned from eggs and leave no corpses when they die (191, 203).

The mermaids had very little understanding of the Kul Tirans’ mistrust towards them (191). 

Mermaids have some power over the rocks and water - granted to them by the Tidemother from birth -, but they use it sparingly because it is finite. Once a mermaid runs out of magic, they die. As a result, mermaids can live up to five hundred years (192). 

Mermaids consider sirens lazy and murlocs deplorable (192).

According to legend, the bubble seaweed in Boralus Harbor is actually discarded pearls. A mermaid by the name of Halia fell in love with a tidesage and kept secretly gifting them to her as a token of her affection. The tidesage, Ery, was far too pragmatic for such a gift and dumped the pearls back in the water every time (195).

The mermaids believe that the Tidemother will give tails to those who slit their feet from toes to heels and walk into the harbor at dawn (197). 

According to legend, Boralus’ great stone seawall was formed through the combined efforts of dozens of mermaids and one lone tidesage. A virulent tempest had come upon Boralus one day, taking men and ships alike with it. Though the city’s tidesages gathered to push back the waves, all but one were lost to the storm over the course of five long days. The last remaining tidesage, Ery, persisted despite her exhaustion while the mermaid Halia, too afraid to watch her lover perish, began using her own magic to craft a seawall. Though the storm repeatedly broke it down, her fellow mermaids joined her, ultimately expending their magic and sacrificing themselves to raise a wall so grand it towered over even the mightiest of ships and waves. Ery herself nearly died after this, though Halia saved her by invoking the Tidemother. She cut Ery’s feet from toes to heels and dragged her into the harbor, performing the ritual necessary for her transformation into a mermaid (198-203).

All but one of the mermaids - Ery notwithstanding - perished to save Boralus, which is why none are seen there today (204-205).

As a result, the sailors of Boralus now see mermaids as a symbol of the highest honor, good luck, and sacrifice (205). 

During calm sunsets when the red of the sky is reflected in the harbor, sailors refer to it as “Ery’s blood,” after the tidesage who fought the storm so valiantly. Ery’s blood is a sign of good weather to come (205). 

The Courageous Kobold and the Wickless Candle

Kobolds tell a sleep-time story (209).

Kobold families live together in caves. They have their own nests, but congregate in common areas for stories, among other things (210).

Some time ago, the Whiskersnoot kobold tunnels crumbled, submerging the Whiskersnoots in total darkness. They lived like that for generations, having decided it was no longer safe to dig higher after the cave-in. This spawned a saying: “Never pick above your snout, else the darkness snuff you out!” (210-211). 

Granny Whiskersnoot, however, dug just a little bit upward every day until one day she broke through to a light above. She intended to lead the other kobolds to it, but could never find her way back through the tunnels again. It wasn’t until her granddaughter persisted in finding it that they made their way back above ground (211, 222). 

The kobolds think of the sun as a “Wickless Candle” (211). 

Visage Day

On a dragon’s Visage Day, they choose what mortal form they will take. This is significant, as it shows the Aspects trust them to adopt the guise of one of the mortal races and walk among them. It is the dragons’ hope that through choosing a form to embody and relate to mortals, the more mortals can understand dragons in turn (228, 234). 

Onyxia, on the other hand, maintains dragons choose visages that allow them to control the mortals (241). 

In accordance with tradition, the Visage Day ceremony occurs on the uppermost level of Wyrmrest Temple. Each of the Aspects are usually present for members of their own dragonflight, though Alexstrasza herself has been known to officiate on occasion. It is also customary for each flight to send emissaries (243). 

During the ceremony, all attendant dragons take their own mortal forms in honor of the dragon whose Visage Day it is (245). 

Before they publicly choose their form, the dragon in question traditionally makes a proclamation (245).

The Visage Day ceremony can be delayed (244). 

Nozdormu has helped many bronze dragons prepare for their own Visage Day (230).

When Nozdormu sits in the sands at the heart of the Bronze Dragonshine, intricate patterns form around him (233). 

Both Kalecgos and Chromie performed a short incantation to assume their mortal forms, though Nozdormu did not appear to need to (234, 236, 246). 

Kalecgos says that he chose a half-elf form - which he calls a “blend of mortal worlds” - in order to symbolize his own attempt to blend together the dragon and human worlds (237). 

Onyxia, on the other hand, opted to take the form of a beautiful human woman to better manipulate mortals (241). 

The dragons often go by nicknames in their mortal forms because they find their full names sound too formal to humans (238). 

The drakonid were fashioned by the dragons to be helpful and loyal (238).

The black dragonflight practices how best to inflict pain (239). 

[thecoleopterawithana]

Knowing That Love Is To Share

It’s common knowledge within the Beatles fandom that those four Liverpool lads were an acquisitive bunch. And who could blame them, having grown amidst the financial insecurity of a war-torn Liverpool? Even John Lennon, who had inarguably the most comfortable upbringing of them all (middle rather than working-class) didn’t hide his thirst for wealth. In 1963, he was singing this out in their cover of ‘Money (That’s What I Want)’.

John coveted so much the freedom and power afforded by money that he even had dreams about it.

[I once had] one really big one about thousands of half-crowns all around me, and finding lots of money in old houses and just as much of the stuff as you could carry. I could never carry enough. I used to put it in my pockets and in my hands and in sacks, only I could still never carry as much as I wanted.

— John Lennon, interviewed by Alan Smith for New Musical Express: Beatle dreams (22 July 1966).

Curiously, in an early example of John and Paul “sharing in each other’s minds”, John had this dream of finding riches around the time he met Paul, who himself had an incredibly similar one.  

The teenage Paul McCartney would love the idea of fame. That’s what he was trying to do, that was the dream. But it’s funny – life gives you minor premonitions. You don’t think of them as premonitions until the dream comes true and then you think, ‘Hey, I wonder if that was a sign.’ I remember when John and I were first hanging out together, I had a dream about digging in the garden with my hands. I’d dreamt that before but I’d never found anything other than an old tin can. But in this dream, I found a gold coin. I kept digging and I found another. And another. The next day I told John about this amazing dream I’d had and he said, ‘That’s funny, I had the same dream.’ So both of us had this dream of finding this treasure. And I suppose you could say it came true.

— Paul McCartney, The Big Issue: Letter to my younger self (16 February 2012).  

Of course, the love for the craft itself was there, but they never hid the thrill they got from being able to finally write their wealth into existence.

Somebody said to me, ‘But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.’ That’s a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, ‘Now let’s write a swimming pool.’ We said it out of innocence. Out of normal, fucking working-class glee that we were able to write a ‘swimming pool.’ For the first time in our lives, we could actually do something and earn money.

— Paul McCartney, interviewed by David Fricke for Rolling Stone (8 February 1990).

I introduce this – their love of money – because it might have made them avaricious when they finally got it. That’s not what happened.

I'll give you all I've got to give If you say you love me, too I may not have a lot to give But what I've got I'll give to you I don't care too much for money Money can't buy me love

— ‘Can’t Buy Me Love’ (1964)

Paul – used to making ends meet from early on – grew up to be fairly money-conscious. This kind of preoccupations had always been on his mind, especially since his mother (who was the main provider for the family) had died.

Being able to get by is a big deal for him.

That’s why I am always overwhelmed by the sweetness of his wonderment at John’s generosity. It is one of my most treasured facets of their relationship.

One day we walked into a sweet shop, and John bought some chocolate. He said, ‘would you like half?’ I said, ‘Wow, you’re willing to share your chocolate with me?’ What a dude! [laughs] The things that stay most in my memory are the smallest things, the ordinary things.

— Paul McCartney, interviewed for Readers Digest (November 2005).

And as good as this quote is, it omits the true significance of this episode. Paul reveals just how much it meant to him in private company.

[Bono’s] like, a student of the Beatles. He’s read every book on the Beatles. He’s seen every bit of film. There’s nothing he doesn’t know. So when Paul stops and says ‘That’s where it happened,’ Bono’s like, ‘That’s where what happened?’ because he thinks he knows everything. And Paul says, ‘That’s where the Beatles started. That’s where John gave me half his chocolate bar.’ And now Bono’s like, ‘What chocolate bar? I’ve never heard of any chocolate bar.’ And Paul says, ‘John had a chocolate bar, and he shared it with me. And he didn’t give me some of his chocolate bar. He didn’t give me a square of his chocolate bar. He didn’t give me a quarter of his chocolate bar. He gave me half of his chocolate bar. And that’s why the Beatles started right there.’

— Matt Damon, interviewed by Tom Junod for Esquire (8 July 2013).

“That’s why the Beatles started.”

I’ve seen it emphasised how Paul was drawn to John because he was impressed by his powerful charisma, his biting wit, his rough teddy looks. But Paul himself has stated over and over that what attracted him to John – what won him over in the end – was the underlying softness. It was the humour and intelligence, yes. But it was also that John’s favourite songs were “Close Your Eyes” (1933) and “Little White Lies” (1930). It was the fact that John gave him not a bit, not a square, not a quarter, but half of his chocolate bar.

I may not have a lot to give but what I've got I'll give to you

These giving gestures would continue on other treasured episodes, like the ‘61 Paris Trip.

And Paul and I also did the same thing, once. We just cancelled. We’d made it, in Liverpool. We were making good money, for those days. I can’t remember what it was – maybe a couple of hundred dollars a week – but enough that you’d have a little extra. You’d have it in your back pocket. And Paul and I just— A relative of mine gave me a hundred pounds, for my birthday, which I’d never seen that much money in me life. Paul and I just cancelled all the engagements, and left for Paris… And George was furious because he needed the money – to work, you know. But that was another time when the group was in debate as whether it would exist or not.

— John Lennon, interviewed by Elliot Mintz (1 January 1976).

John and I went on a trip for his twenty-first birthday. John was from a very middle-class family, which really impressed me because everyone else was from working-class families. To us, John was upper class. His relatives were teachers, dentists, even someone up in Edinburgh in the BBC. It's ironic, he was always very 'fuck you!' and he wrote the song Working Class Hero – in fact, he wasn't at all working class. Anyway, one of John's relatives gave him £100 I would be impressed. And I was his mate, enough said? 'Let's go on holiday.' 'You mean me too? With the hundred quid? Great! I'm part of this windfall.'

[...]

We’d never been there before. We were a bit tired so we checked into a little hotel for the night, intending to go off hitchhiking the next morning. Of course, it was too nice a bed after having hitched so we said, ‘We’ll stay a little longer,’ then we thought, ‘God, Spain is a long way, and we’d have to work to get down there.’ We ended up staying the week in Paris – John was funding it all with his hundred quid.

— Paul McCartney, in The Beatles Anthology (1995).

One night, they went to a concert by France’s only rock'n'roll star, Johnny Hallyday, paying an astronomical seven shillings and sixpence (35p) each for seats at L'Olympia theatre, little dreaming they themselves would soon top the bill there.

— On John and Paul’s trip to Paris. In Philip Norman’s Paul McCartney: The Biography.

Of course, Paul also gave what he could, and that rendered the gift extra special.

JOHN: Paul got me a wimpy [a hamburger] and a coke for my 21st.

PAUL: Mind you, that was back in ‘39!

JOHN: I know! (laughter)

PAUL: (jokingly) They were more expensive.

— Sydney press conference (11 June 1964).  

And even later in 1966, despite being extremely hurt by Paul’s extramarital forays into film score composition, John still offered his financial support.

I copped money for ‘Family Way’, the film music that Paul wrote while I was out of the country making How I Won The War. I said to Paul, ‘You’d better keep that,’ and he said ‘Don’t be soft.’ It’s the concept - we inspire each other. We write how we write because of each other. Paul was there for five or ten years and I wouldn’t write like I write now if it weren’t for Paul, and he wouldn’t write like he does if it weren’t for me.

— John Lennon, interviewed by BP Fallon for the Melody Maker (1969).

While they were bound by name (and even before any official contracts were signed) Lennon/McCartney did live by “what’s mine is yours”, everything they created shared 50/50.

As Paul would put it in their beloved “Here There and Everywhere” – Paul’s favourite out of all his songs and the one John favoured most of all out of all the songs he’d heard since he’d been in the scene, as of 1966 – they knew that love is to share.

And even when the sharing stopped, the love continued.

[kmp78]

FINLAND 1 - 0 - 0 🇫🇮

A QUICK COMPILATION OF ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW - AND WISH YOU NEVER DID.

1. You may call us Finland and Finns, but we call ourselves Suomi and suomalaiset.

2. Altho if you don´t mind, we would rather you did not call us anything ever. Actually if we could both pretend each other doesn´t even exist, that would be just great!

3. Yes we are a notoriously shy and reserved nation with a gigantic inferiority complex - especially when compared to our neighbor Sweden.

4. Who incidentally we loooooove beating in hockey.

5. Saimaannorppa aka Saimaa ringed seal can only be found in Finland and is highly endangered.

According to a count done in 2015, there are only about 320 individuals left, and therefore quite understandably whenever one is found dead in a fisherman´s net or by the hands of a poacher etc., it causes headlines and outrages.

6. 70% of Finland is made up of forests - that´s roughly the size of the entire area of the United Kingdom.

7. Finland was awarded the Summer Olympics for 1940, but then things got all sorts of fucked up thanks to Adolf & co., so those plans were scrapped even tho we had a brand-spanking new Olympic stadium and everything! Dammit!

Oh well, we were compensated in 1952 when we finally got the honor of hosting our only (so far) Olympic games.

8. Those 1952 Olympics were the first time Coca Cola was introduced to Finns.

9. No, we do not have polar bears.

10. We also don´t have KFC, Wendy´s or Dunkin´ Donuts.

11. Yes I am very upset about all those things mentioned above but especially about KFC.

12. Finland was the first country in Europe which gave women the right to vote (1906).

13. The Finnish language does not separate words such as “she” or “he”. We just use a gender-neutral “hän”, which means “that person”.

14. The national bird of Finland is the whooper swan.

15. Helsinki has the world´s most Northern metro system.

16. Savonlinna hosts their annual Opera Festival in a Medieval castle.

17. We are vindictive and petty as HELL. Just ask Silvio Berlusconi.

http://kmp78.tumblr.com/post/155861218049/finland-chronicles-part-14

18. A Finnish person will drink approximately 129 litres of milk a year.

19. Some years ago, the word for mother (”äiti”) was voted the most beautiful word in the Finnish language.

20. Moomins are, as some of you MAY REMEMBER FROM A SPECIFIC DEBACLE FROM EARLIER THIS YEAR, from Finland and were created by OUR Miss Tove Jansson.

21. Unlike many other countries which after gaining independence tore down all statues and other remnants of their history under foreign rule, in Finland we chose to keep ours up as reminders of our past.

For example, on our main square aka the Senate Square you will find Czar Alexander II standing proudly.

22. And speaking of statues, one of the landmarks of Helsinki is Havis Amanda.

It depicts a mermaid who decides to leave the sea and walk on... well, not water.

Each year on April 30th, she is “crowned” with a cap, to represent all those who have graduated from secondary school and earned their caps.

23. As of 2010, internet access has been a legal right in Finland.

24. Do you have one of those cupboard things over your kitchen sink, the kind where you place your dishes to dry?

That was invented by a Finnish woman called Maiju Gebhard in 1945.

25. The longest word in the Finnish language is “epäjärjestelmällistyttämä­ttömyydelläänsäkäänköhän”, which loosely translates to “not even by her lack of organization, do you suppose”.

26. Angry Birds are from here.

27. Finland is also the birth place of the most successful ski jump champions of all time, Matti Nykänen.

28. After his sports career came to an end, Matti has been a permanent fixture in the tabloids with his... issues... involving alcohol abuse, domestic abuse (he even served time in prison for attempting to kill one of his many ex-wives) and an assortment of careers including stripping and now singing. 

He is also responsible for one of our most beloved and useful quotes of all time: back in the 80s when he was still jumping from towers and competing in Canada, he got into some “situations” and was sent back home as punishment. When he arrived at the airport, a journo asked him “Matti, did you drink alcohol?”, to which Matti replied “Maybe I did drink, maybe I didn´t drink”.

All bases covered then!

The man is a fucking genius.

29. There are absolutely ZERO public payphones anywhere in Finland.

30. For a very short period of time back in, Finland had a female president AND a  female Prime Minister. 

Sadly that arrangement came to an abrupt end when the Prime Minister was forced to resign over a scandal involving some sort of Iraq documents which I´m still, a decade later, completely baffled by.

31. As those who come on this blog surely know by now, Yours Truly is a passionate berry picker - and being a berry nut in Finland is easy indeed since a) we have one of the cleanest natures in the world and b) all living things you find in nature, you can keep - within reason, of course.

Usually a good principle is to keep about 100 meters distance from the nearest house. Other than that, you´re good to go!

32. People in in Northern Finland aka Lapland area have a very specific unit of measurement called the “poronkusema” which could be loosely translated to “Reindeer´s piss”. Roughly it means the distance a reindeer can walk before needing to urinate. It´s quite a long distance...

33. Our current President Sauli Niinistö is a survivor of the tragic tsunami which took place in South-East Asia on Dec 26, 2004. Over 200 000 people (including almost 200 Finnish tourists) died in one of the worst natural disasters of our time - Mr. Niinistö and his sons saved their own lives by climbing up a telephone pole and staying there for several hours.

34. In Finland October 13th is National Failure Day which aims to encourage people to share their failures and learn from them rather than hide their heads in shame and pretend all is well.

35. The REAL Santa Claus lives up in Rovaniemi and you can visit his village all year long.

36. Sheldon gave us a good laugh and an ego boost.

37. We like eating Rudolf with lingonberries and mash.

38. On some years we get A LOT of snow, but on others we get practically none. Back in 1997, in Lapland the snow reached up to 190 cm.

Incidentally I am 155 cm.

39. In the Finnish language there is an alphabet called Å which isn´t actually a part of a single Finnish word in the entire Finnish language - it is simply a remnant from our many centuries spent under Swedish rule.

40. Unesco has reported that Finland´s tap water is the cleanest in the world.

41. A handy Finnish saying: “Early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese”.

42. For some God forsaken reason, Finland and Estonia have the same national anthem.

43. Sadly accurate these days.

44. Sadly accurate these days.

45. Rosina Heikel (1842 - 1929) was Finland´s and in fact the Nordic countries 1st female doctor.

46. When something is a failure/a dud, the common term in the English language is “a lemon”. Over here, it´s “susi”. Susi also means wolf.

47. And susi should not be confused with sisu! 

48. In Lapland you can spend your vacation in an igloo.

49. Fines for speeding are determined by the offender´s income. Basically if you earn more, you have to pay more. The highest fines have been over 100 000 €. Stay poor, kids!

50. Pamela Anderson´s grandparents were from Finland.

51. Yes we like getting our drinks on, and most of us go abroad to Tallinn to get our drinks on for a lot less €s.

52. In Lapland, the Sun never rises from November to January.

53. In reverse, the Sun never sets from June to July. We call it “The Nightless night”.

54. Finland has exactly 1 Eurovision victory under its belt.

55. In 2018 Saara Aalto will be repping us.

Please vote for us. Please?

56. Nokia became famous for their mobile phones, but originally they manufactured rubber boots.

57. We don´t dub movies or TV shows.

58. We do however sometimes give them ridiculous and extremely SPOILER ALERT-y names. For example, “The Shawshank Redemption” was translated to “Rita Hayworth - Key to escape”.

I mean... C´MOOOOON!

59. Sometimes that´s all you can do.

60. Simo Häyhä aka “White Death” was one of the deadliest snipers of all time. During a 3 month stretch of the Winter War, he shot roughly 200 Russian soldiers before getting shot in the face himself. He survived and lived to be 96.

61. We don´t use the 1 and 2 cent coins. You CAN try paying with them as they of course are legal currency, but there are no guarantees you´ll get very far.

62. Feb 14th may be a day for lovers for the rest of the world, but we know it as “Friend´s Day”.

63. Tipping is not (thankfully) a part of the Finnish culture.

64. The guy longing for Sven in Titanic (the coat dude) was portrayed as a Swede, but was actually a Finn called Jari Kinnunen.

65. Karelian pies with egg butter are the best thing ever.

66. Märket island which is situated between Finland and Sweden had to have the border lines twisted a bit because the Finns who built that lighthouse, accidentally built it on the wrong side...

67. While often named as one of the 5 Scandinavian countries, Finland isn´t technically even a part of Scandinavia: we ARE however a part of the Nordic countries.

68. If you are invited to a Finnish sauna, you are expected to go nude.

69. Finnish armed forces are mandatory for men but voluntary for women.

70. Moomin mugs are peculiarly popular especially among Asian tourists. They can sometimes pay even thousands for rare ones.

71. We never had vikings, but there is one viking tale about a princess called Skjalv, daughter of the Finnish King Froste (those aren´t even Finnish names...), who was stolen as war loot to Sweden but ended up strangling her captor with a gold chain. 

72. Our 4th president was Kyösti Kallio, who was forced to resign from office after the Winter War on December 19th 1940. On that same day he was about to step onto a train to take him back home for retirement, when during his final official ceremony at Helsinki Railway Station, in front of his soldiers and while the orchestra played, he suffered a fatal heart attack and died right there in front of everyone. Legend says he collapsed into the arms of our greatest war hero and later president himself, Marshall C.G.E. Mannerheim (seen in the white hat next to President Kallio).

73. Marshall Mannerheim is the only person in Finnish history who has been rewarded that particular military honor. In fact, he is and forever will remain the only person who has the title “Finland´s Marshall”, an honor bestowed upon him for his services to his home country during Finland´s tumultuous early years of independence.

A few years ago he was voted by the Finns themselves as the most important Finnish person of all time.

74. In June 1942, Adolf Hitler came to Finland to pay his respects to Marshall Mannerheim on his 75th birthday. As a little “souvenir” for future generations, the sneaky Finns recorded a snippet of his and Mannerheim´s private conversation.

It is the only known recording of Hitler speaking with a calm, normal voice, as he was very particular about only being filmed while screaming and ranting his ideologies.

75. Roughly 3 million tourists visit Finland each year and I think at least 2 500 000 of them are always going exactly where I´m going too.

76. We like to make things hard for foreigners.

77. We don´t have any mountains.

78. But we have lakes. We have a shit ton of lakes. 187 888 lakes to be precise.

79. FYI

80. All our days end with -tai (Monday = maanantai, Tuesday = tiistai etc.), except for Wednesday. Wednesday is called keskiviikko.

81. We have a lot of free time.

82. J. R. R. Tolkien used the Finnish national epoch the Kalevala as inspiration for the languages in the Lord of the Rings saga.

83. The St. Louis Arch was designed by a Finn called Eero Saarinen.

84. Every summer we arrange what is called Kaljakellunta aka “Beer float” which pretty much just consists of taking a floatie and a case of beer and... well, that´s about it.

85. If you want to enhance your sauna experience, you can use a birch whisk.

86. The bubble chair was designed by a Finnish man called Eero Aarnio.

87. Thursdays are the “official” pea soup and pancakes day all over Finland.

88. Finns love queuing.

89. Life expectancy for men is 78 years and for women 84 years.

90. In Tornio you can play golf in two countries:

http://kmp78.tumblr.com/post/155901150914/finland-chronicles-part-15

91. Finns invented the so-called Molotov´s cocktail.

92. All people in Finland must pay a TV tax even if they do not they own a TV.

93.  We celebrate Christmas on the 24th of December.

94. Finns love salmiakki aka salty licorice.

I don´t, btw.

95. Finland is one of the few countries in Europe which has not banned sex with animals - and some actually take advantage of that loophole...

http://kmp78.tumblr.com/post/156161829244/finland-chronicles-part-21

http://kmp78.tumblr.com/post/156257574544/finland-chronicles-part-23

96. Armi Kuusela won the 1st ever Miss Universe pageant in 1952.

97. In 2006, Conan O´Brian did a sketch about looking like our then-president Tarja Halonen and it ballooned into a huge movement.

98. Weeeeell...

99. On every Independence day, the current president hosts a party at his residence for about 2 000 dignitaries, celebs, politicians etc. We riff raffers sit at home in our sweatpants and watch it on TV with some nachos and snarky comments.

100. MONTY PYTHON KNOWS. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUOMI, AND THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. 

Despite you reeeeally getting on my nerves SO MUCH and SO OFTEN, I still love you. 💙 💙 💙

[dalaznews-blog]

Company vs. Currency: How Ripple & XRP May Have Benefitted from Unclear Tie

http://dalaznews.com/news/financial-and-business/company-vs-currency-how-ripple-xrp-may-have-benefitted-from-unclear-tie/

Ripple Labs’ and its native currency, XRP, have normally grabbed headlines more than the preceding year and a half. The coin has steadily ridden the prime of the cryptocurrency charts for about a year a increasing selection of substantial-profile partnerships with banks about the planet have provided the cryptocurrency and the firm larger credibility and enhanced level of recognition.

Of class, a enormous portion of Ripple Labs’ final results has been its marketing schemes–most notably, its want in well-known folks. In May possibly probably, Snoop Dogg created an all round appear on the stage of an invite-only occasion Ripple held for charity far far more lately, the firm declared that it would be matching all donations manufactured for Madonna’s 60th birthday to youngsters in Malawi.

Time to obtain the dip?

Prior to this 7 days, Ripple Labs announced potentially its most big-profile film star affiliation to day. Earlier US President Bill Clinton was named as the keynote speaker at Ripple’s future ‘Swell’ convention in Oct, a move that has drawn some backlash (and a ton of memes) from the Twittersphere.

New speaker at the #XRP function! pic.twitter.com/Fy7nv616Uf

— CryptoTyrion (@Cryptotyrion) July 31, 2018

The most substantial (and most most likely most financially rewarding) marketing and advertising and marketing machine that the organization may possibly have utilised is its romance with XRP, its indigenous currency. Most folks in out and out of the cryptosphere didn’t–and even so don’t–know that there is a adjust amongst the enterprise, its products, and the cryptocurrency itself.

Earlier this calendar year, Ripple Labs commenced making use of techniques to independent by itself from XRP, its indigenous forex. XRP is, by the way, continue to colloquially regarded by the title ‘Ripple’ in on-line communities and in some noteworthy details retailers.

Ripple May possibly properly Advantage from Unclear Differentiation from XRP

Whilst on the surface, this affiliation may well really feel trivial, there is quite a bit of proof to advise that the truth that most guys and girls do not know exactly where Ripple Labs finishes and XRP commences may possibly probably have benefited the firm and the currency in the earlier.

For case in point, the promoting cost of XRP spiked subsequent an announcement that a particular person of Ripple Labs’ products would be adopted by the UAE Trade. Nonetheless, this specific solution or service (the xCurrent network) does not use XRP by default.

In a Organization enterprise Insider report, eToro analyst Mati Greenspan explained that “a entire lot of newcomers are of the understanding that maintaining on to XRP tokens is to some degree related to maintaining shares in Ripple Labs, which is wholly untrue.”

“A ton of the specials that they do and the payment channels that they set up, at the conclusion of the day, are not going to use XRP tokens,” he described.

In the related report, Organization Insider talked about that “it’s bewildering to have each equally the enterprise and the asset have the exact same determine, logo, and creators.”

The symbol that XRP and Ripple utilized to share. Ripple (the enterprise) even now tends to make use of this emblem.

Marcus Treacher, Ripple’s International Head of Strategic Accounts, clapped back once more: “it’s a particular person of our creations that we’re satisfied of but it is separate from the organization. We are attempting to reinforce the truth that there is Ripple the organization and there is XRP the forex.”

Ripple Labs Has Taken Measures to Distance By itself from XRP, But the Variables Could Be Dubious

To be affordable, Treacher was telling the truth of the matter: Ripple Labs has taken measures to far far more plainly differentiate the organization from the cryptocurrency due to the fact the starting of the year. The enterprise has posted different announcements and articles outlining the variance a new logo for the XRP forex was also introduced just before this yr.

XRP’s new emblem.

 Nonetheless, there is some proof to propose that the organization only created the determination to do this in an tough operate to “desecuritize” XRP.

“In the celebration of XRP becoming labeled as this sort of by the SEC it would have a key effects on XRP’s cost tag and its availability on US exchanges,” a Bitcoin.com report explained in March.

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The report also claimed that provided the actuality that Ripple (the firm) has this sort of a big holding of XRP, the likelihood that the cryptocurrency would be classified as a safety was–and even now may possibly probably be–high.

In reality, Ripple owns 61 billion of the 100 billion XRP tokens in existence, a maintaining that is presently valued at about $10.six billion. In reaction to criticism that the company’s holdings have been higher far more than sufficient to ostensibly centralize the network, Ripple Labs positioned 55 billion XRP into escrow. A single billion XRP are released to the corporation every person month.

Ripple: The Enterprise vs. the Currency

Ripple Labs was initially established in San Francisco in 2012, and the organization gives a couple of payment processing merchandise: xCurrent, xRapid, and xVia. Some of these items and options truly do not use XRP by default.

Let us take a closer glance to see how Ripple Labs’ items interact with XRP to kind the RippleNet, a term that describes the Ripple ecosystem’s separate payment protocols and how XRP is utilised to hyperlink them.

xCurrent: Can Use XRP, but XRP Is not Integral

The xCurrent network was produced to help interoperability in among all currencies, fiat and crypto. The network has holdings in a choice of currencies, successfully earning it attainable to rapidly and cheaply exchange from just a single currency to a additional. For illustration, a monetary institution could use xCurrent to provide US pounds to a recipient who wants to obtain funds in euros.

xCurrent does not operate on the XRP Ledger. In straightforward reality, this neighborhood is crafted on however an additional distributed ledger referred to as Interledger. Interledger was also designed by Ripple Labs, but it is now managed by a Whole planet Broad Web site Consortium beneath the handle of a nonprofit that is operating to improve net needs.

When XRP can be traded on xCurrent (as just about any other cryptocurrency can), XRP is not an integral portion of xCurrent.

xRapid

There genuinely is not a variation amongst xCurrent and xRapid. xRapid is outlined as a diverse items, but xRapid is just when XRP is despatched by implies of the xCurrent network.

Why would some issue as quite straightforward as this qualify as an totally separate merchandise? The uncomplicated respond to is that place collectively, XRP and xCurrent present a liquidity remedy to shoppers. Firms can use the firm to swap their house in and out of XRP, which final results in far more swiftly processing by the xCurrent neighborhood.

A increasing quantity of corporations have began experimenting with xRapid, collectively with Moneygram and Western Union. A far more compact variety have basically begun genuinely applying xRapid in their operations, which consists of Cuallix.

This items does use XRP, and theoretically should make a greater want for XRP tokens, which may possibly probably outcome in a larger token valuation.

“What drives worth is utilization,” claimed Ripple CTO Stefan Thomas in a CoinDesk report. “A quantifiable way to appear at that is like how substantially liquidity is going by way of the token. So, I really feel which is like the determine of the recreation under, it is hoping to get as a excellent deal liquidity as a outcome of it, and the far far more liquidity, the significantly far more worth, and which is what we’re looking for to do.”

xVia

xVia is mostly a payment interface desgined to facilitate use of each of these xCurrent and xRapid. Consequently, xVia also does not use XRP by default, even though it is an selection.

The interface enables its purchasers to track payments and make transaction invoices.

What’s Quite excellent for the Goose (Could Be) Excellent for the Gander

Even even though these goods are not especially connected, they are tangentially joined to 1 however an additional. What rewards just a single does have the chance to profit the entire Ripple/XRP ecosystem.

Nonetheless, as an trader, recognizing the adjust among these merchandise is successfully to have an understanding of how their usage will have an effect on coin valuation. We can only hope that Ripple Labs will continue on to test and educate the neighborhood on how these protocols interact with a single certain a additional.

[ceaselessly-into-the-past]

the return

Today’s the first time I’m going home since I’ve come here. On a similar note, I’ve been nauseous and more anxious than usual for the past twelve or so hours.

Most of the fear comes from the fact that my parents and older brother - just as an introduction to his character, keep in mind the words Harvard, successful, hyperintelligent, Harvard, and malicious dickwad - visited me in my room last week unannounced. All I knew at the time was that I was to meet my dad outside in the car, which I’d agreed to because my father is reasonable and tolerable, but when I went to see him there were two extras that demanded to follow me back up to my dorm. I didn’t have a choice.

The first thing my brother did was walk over to my shelves, where I keep my shower basket, books, medical care sets and so on, and picked out my shampoo bottle, asking if I was able to figure out how to use it. I politely responded ‘yes,’ recalling that I had asked my mom, who had bought the thing, about it before I left home and hadn’t been given a proper response.

He then proceeded to deliberately push down on the dispenser and leak shampoo on my carpeted floor.

He comes into my room and on purpose dumps my fucking shampoo on my fucking floor.

‘Out,’ I said. ‘Get out, all of you. right now.’ The curse words that I would’ve used stuck in my throat like bloated cysts. ‘You can’t stay here.’

My parents sided with him. ‘Oh come on, it’s just shampoo. You won’t even see it in an hour.’ ‘You should thank him, he basically cleaned your floor for you, haha!’ ‘Why do you get so jumpy about stupid things? Grow up, Kei.’ ‘Yeah, you’re being childish and rude. We’re your family you know.’ ‘Stop being so unpleasant. You should be grateful that we even want to come here.’ ‘What’s wrong with you?’ ‘What’s wrong with you?’ ‘You should go see the school counselor, there’s something wrong with you.’ ‘There’s something wrong with you.’ ‘There’s something wrong with you. There’s something wrong with you.There’s something wrong with you.There’s something wrong with youThere’s something wrongwithyouThere’ssomethingwrongwithyouThere’s somethingwrongwithyouthere’ssomethingwrongwithyoutheressomethingwrongwithyoutheressomethingwrongwithyoutheressomethingwrongwithyoutheressomethingwrongwithyoutheressomethingwrongwithyoutheressomethingwrongwithyouTHERESSOMETIHINGWRONGWITHYOUTHERESSOMETHINGWRONGWITHYOUTHERESSOMETIHINGWRONGWITHYOUTHERESSOMETHINGWRONGWITHYOUTHERESSOMETIHINGWRONGWITHYOUTHERESSOMETHINGWRONGWITHYOUTHERESSOMETIHINGWRONGWITHYOUTHERESSOMETHINGWRONGWITHYOUTHERESSOMETIHINGWRONGWITHYOUTHERESSOMETHINGWRONGWITHYOUTHERESSOMETIHINGWRONGWITHYOUTHERESSOMETHINGWRONGWITHYOUTHERESSOMETIHINGWRONGWITHYOUTHERESSOMETHINGWRONGWITHYOU

I am the ungrateful runt; the disobedient, petulant, disfigured and undesirable animal. I am invited into the house only for the sport and amusement of humans.

I’ve had to speak to my mom over the phone a few times leading up to today to get things in order - what I need to bring home, when and were to meet, that she’ll force feed me if I haven’t eaten enough.

Her voice makes me feel as though someone has jammed a cigarette between my lips and forced me to take my first drag as I stare down the length of the rolled-up paper, looking down and into my lungs filling with a thousand toxins. I’ve never smoked a cigarette before but somehow that’s exactly how it feels. The acrid smoke of her words and the faces I know she’s making on the other end sting my throat and make my eyes water. My stomach trembles and quietly churns as the information she shoves through the phone line comes down, down down and meets the acid and pepsin leaking desperately from the gastric walls.

The sight of her feels like a violation and never fails to rouse the urge in me to beat her to death just so she’ll stop existing.

Of course, I’d never do that. She’d be too insulted and haunt me until I killed myself out of a more malignant version of unbearable insanity she’s planted in my own brain. And though I’m not sure, I feel like that would be worse. With a human mother, at least you know where they are. A ghost mother could be anywhere because you can’t see them.

It’s the old horror movie principle - the less you see the monster, the scarier and more dangerous it feels.

I think I’m losing my mind.

I feel so suffocatingly small and the noises are too much and every second I spend in my room I can feel like a slow-burning, excruciating heat wave the intimidating forces that are the two roommates in the neighboring room, both Curtis Institute acceptees and the two only Kovner full scholarship recipients this year here, far more talented and skilled and experienced than I am and better in every way. Personable and amicable and capable and sharp-minded and everything that I am not.

I am a gnat in the Juilliard tableau. They are one of the many godlike figures, depicted in pristine poses. Perfect form and immaculate physicality. Real humans. People. They are people and I am not.

They sightread music like they’ve been fucking it for the last five years. Sightreading dries my eyes and gives me a migraine and draws the pitiful looks of everyone present. One day it’ll spell the end of my fucking career.

I despise this body and I wish I could strip it away and build it from scratch. Like how you completely remodel a room. I’ve hated it so intensely that I know every single detail I’d change and why and how I’d change it. Every single fucking detail is filed in the part of my brain that constantly burns with self-hate.

I can’t talk to people here. I can tell that they want to back away from me and that they just want me to go away and that inside they also feel guilty for feeling that way. So I just don’t talk to them. I spare them those feelings and I keep to myself.

Homeless people, though, don’t react that way. So I talk to them. I leave this building at night every so often and find and talk to them. And that’s the extent of my social life.

They treat me like a person and they try and listen. They’re more friends to me than anyone here.

Perhaps it’s from their hardship. and the fact that so many others shun them, that they find the capacity for empathy.

Two nights ago I met a man named Phil at the Times Square subway station. He’s 61 and both his mother and brother had died in the last three weeks. He’d heard of this through the gang that he’s a member of. 

‘You don’t fuck with us, we don’t fuck with you,’ he told me, using the general ‘you’. ‘But if you fuck with us, you be sure you gonna get the fuckin’ shit beat outta you.’

I gave him a dollar and 73 cents - the only money I had outside of my debit card - and he said that he’d buy a coffee with it the next morning. He was friends with a coffee shop manager. I also gave him my name and a piece of paper on which was written a promise to meet him on Friday at 9:30 pm with my cello.

I have plans to meet him on Friday at 9:30 pm with my cello. He’d told me that musicians can make a fair amount in that area, and his idea was that we’d stick together to watch each other’s stuff so that it doesn’t get stolen.

I also have plans to give him half of what I earn. Unless I don’t earn shit, in which case I’ll just give it all to him. He doesn’t have a cup like many homeless people do - he has a red fanny pack he keeps around his wast that has multiple pockets. He put the money I gave him in his pack meticulously, sticking the dollar bill in the big main pouch and the coins in a smaller outside pocket. He kept my note where he kept the change.

I’m putting together a small bag of things for Phil.I’m bringing it to him in an old Starbucks paper bag, and inside I’ve put a list written on an index card:

 I found a perfectly good Zoribushi thermos container near the train station entrance yesterday. It had a little bit of iced tea left in it. I cleaned it with a decent amount of dish soap and I let it dry overnight. 

I’m going to make two filters’ worth of coffee and bring it to him on Friday and let him keep the thermos. 

I also have some small jelly packs that I don’t intend on eating that I’ll bring to him. 

I’m contemplating finding a cheap place to buy a drawstring bag for him - he didn’t have a backpack. 

A nice salad from the store on the way there.

I haven’t engaged this closely to anyone I’ve met here in the city so far. I’ve met a woman called Nada, whose family was from Slovenia and now lived in Chicago; and Aaron, who was from New Jersey and was trying to get an apartment there. 

But Phil is now in the wake of his loss. I’m sure his gang member friends support him in some way but when I met him, he was alone.

‘I stick around, right here,’ he said. ‘From 9 to 5. It’s like the opposite of a work day. 9 PM to 5 AM.’

‘It’s like your job,’ I commented. He liked that I said that.

So I feel compelled, by some force, to extend some form of kindness to him.

Meeting Phil this Friday at 9:30 PM is what’s getting me through this week. It’s what helps me in trying to ignore everything that threatens my self-esteem and sanity.

I have a friend now. There were a few people here that I thought were friends but I realize now that they’re just paper. They melt snd burn away at the slightest sign of difficulty with me. They haven’t spoken to me since the Brooklyn incident. 

Now, I have some kind of centerpoint in my social life.

(If only I could repeat that process with someone my own age.)

Phil is what’s going to keep me on my path when I go home today.

When I see or hear her, I’ll just close my eyes and remember:

Hey, this Friday maybe, you should come play. Musicians do good here, you know. You could do pretty good, eh? And we’ll watch each other’s shit, you know what I mean? Fuckers around here trying and stealing shit. But we’ll make sure they don’t steal our shit.

I hope that this lasts.