#I know a lot of people are angry but I'm just sad
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Note
Honestly this is really big for me. I'm a current Mormon, and this encapsulates my feelings about church history so well.
The Mormon church has some of the most well documented religious discrimination in US history. I'm also one of the rare creatures who was not raised in Utah.
Being a history buff and a Weird Little GirlTM, means that I connected with the persecution of the church a lot. Part of this was being too weird for even other people in my congregation to like me. Another part was not knowing I was asexual, lol. Both of these wouldn't have been too bad, but then I was also one of ten people in my high school who was a member of my church, if I was lucky.
Thanks to things like the South show and that one musical, people thought they knew everything about me. As I've grown, that has changed. But I am still someone who struggles because I feel like I can't express my church feelings to non-church friends, and I'm not out to any of my church friends. It's tough.
I don't fully know what I'm saying here, but thank you for understanding a part of the religion so many people want to forget. There are bad things in our history. People have big emotions and make bad choices. I'm glad that your post made me feel seen and not just a caricature of one aspect of myself. Thank you.
EDIT: And another thought! I feel like even 20 years ago there was more of an identity around the beginnings of our religion and our roots. And we still emphasize that. But we talk about people's faith, and their strength. As a kid I felt like we talked about how awful some of the people were who did those things and were sad/angry about what happened.
Because of the media portrayal/the Americanization of our religion, we kind of just push that all down. We forget the hurt. We forget that pain and sacrifice is apart of our foundations. I am glad overall that people have more freedom to be happier and there is less weight on the sad, but I don't want us to forget it completely.
Would you mind sharing the psalm and why you felt that person was the most humanist Mormon? I'm not religious at all but I find these sort of things very interesting.
In exchange I could offer the reason for my url ?
I'm warning you, this is kind of a mega essay, and it's fucking unhinged. Click at your own risk.
(Alright. You clicked.)
Psalms 137
By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept
when we remembered Zion.
There on the poplars
we hung our harps,
for there our captors asked us for songs,
our tormentors demanded songs of joy;
they said, “Sing us one of the songs of Zion!”
How can we sing the songs of the Lord
while in a foreign land?
If I forget you, Jerusalem,
may my right hand forget its skill.
May my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth
if I do not remember you,
if I do not consider Jerusalem
my highest joy.
Remember, Lord, what the Edomites did
on the day Jerusalem fell.
“Tear it down,” they cried,
“tear it down to its foundations!”
Daughter Babylon, doomed to destruction,
happy is the one who repays you
according to what you have done to us.
Happy is the one who seizes your infants
and dashes them against the rocks.
———
Mormonism has layers. Different cores of believers, cultures within itself. The largest group of Mormons also dominate its image within the larger culture. You know them as the nerdy, cheerful, bubbly dorks on South Park, or the hopelessly naive childlike weirdos from the Book of Mormon musical. Strangely sanitized, "wholesome" people that are, clearly, unwhole. Missing some essential part of the human experience.
(Pain, maybe?)
I think that embracing this image is letting Mormonism view itself as what it wishes it was. A group with all its rough edges sanded off, all its raw and desperate humanity scrubbed away. A clean and godly and slightly unsettling image of joy.
That isn't how it started.
Now, most people know the story of Joseph Smith. Fourteen year old farm boy starts a cult because the whole world if full of idiots, I won't repeat it because you've probably already got it from South Park. But at some point that weirdo cult did become a religion, and I would point to that moment as the Mormon War of 1838.
I don't know how far after the founding that was. Enough that Joseph Smith was a grown man. Enough that the Mormons had around 15-25 thousand members. They'd moved to the Illinois-Missouri area and were establishing settlements.
(They creeped the locals out. Of course they creeped the locals out.)
Eventually, they got pushed out of the county they'd claimed. Jackson County, it was. The state couldn't actually take that county from the people that expelled them, so to try and make the Mormons "whole" for the land they'd bought (ignoring the houses and farms they'd already set up) it gave them a new county.
Next election that came around, that county was sieged. Voting was blocked. Now, the people of the state were terrified that this weirdo voting block was going to take them over. They probably weren't wrong. Some former Mormons had straggled in from the county revealing a frankly corrupt land dealthat the early church had used to transfer resources to itself, and that served as a tipping point. To prevent their state from becoming a religious basketcase, a mob sieged the Mormon county during the next election.
The state tried to return order by sending the militia in to break up the siege, but the militia mutinied. They joined the siegers. A ground of strange, extremist violent Mormons known as the Danites rode out and attacked local settlements that were known to house the families of the militia members.
The Governor at the time - Lilburn Boggs - sent out an executive decree. The Mormons were traitors, and were to be killed on sight. It is the only religion in the US to have ever had such an order made against it.
The Mormons surrendered their county and went to Nauvoo, Illinois. There were again expelled from that city in 1846, and traveled west.
They died in great numbers and they never forgot the homes they lost.
———
I tried to tell the story as sympathetically to the people of Missouri as I could. The Mormons made messes wherever they went, and they unsettled everyone they interacted with. But they were attacked as well, and had a history of violence against them. It should not be totally surprising that they became insular and strange.
Many (most?) Mormons that learn all of their history wind up leaving the religion. It has twists and turns and knots and it is incredibly, overwhelmingly human. I think that's where the facade of Mormon perfectionism comes from - the shame of that. The desire to be something else. But being human is all I've ever wanted. And occasionally, there are people faithful in the church - layers upon layers deep - that know their history.
And they are angry about it.
I think it's more common than people realize. Did you know that until 1930 Mormons swore literal religious oaths of vengeance against the US government for the deaths of Joseph and Hyrum Smith?
I always felt like these were, in some way, the real Mormons. They knew their history, and they loved their church, and they hated what it had suffered all those years ago.
They scared me, those people. But they seemed complete. More complete than the people that had carved out everything that didn't make them smile. They'd walked into the mirror, and touched their shadow, and danced with. Melded with it.
And I knew a few like that. I was taught by one. And he didn't convince me, but he interested me. Gave me some respect for the people I left behind.
———
In the game Fallout: New Vegas, there is a character named Joshua Graham. He's a Mormon. Not like the silly children in adult bodies that they always use on TV. He has gravitas. He has put away his moral compass before, to pursue the dream of one powerful man. Poured his soul into it, helped that man conquer the whole west in piecemeal. He's a somewhat on the nose analogy of the Mormon people themselves, following Joseph Smith. And when he finally failed, when he fought a battle he could not win on the gates of the Old World Hoover Dam, he was lit on fire and thrown into the Grand Canyon to die.
But he did not die.
He says he survived because the fire in him burned brighter than the fire around him. And it seems that way when you speak with him in game. There is something compellingly bright to him. Not shiny like a new toy, or a Utah teenager that hasn't seem just how grim the world can be. He's something blinding, compelling.
But that brightness casts shadows.
He is vicious. He was saved in the canyon by the family he left, the old Mormons of a new world. And he's trying to find that part of him again, regain the soul he lost pursuing someone else's vision. But that old vicious animal part of the covenant is with him. I see Joshua Graham and I see the animal that the Mormons became to survive the West.
And in the game, there is eventually a choice given.
You can lead the tribe Joshua has joined up with out of their Zion. Their Jackson County Missouri. Peacefully and perfectly and inhumnanly transcendant, the way the Mormons wish they actually were about everything. You can give him the chance to be what Mormonism has always wished it could be. Or you can fight with them and help them reclaim their paradise, but get your hands stuck deep in the muck of this world.
Joshua Graham knows his history. He knows all the homes his people lost. And whatever brightness he's trying to regain, whatever soul he's trying to win back from the world that takes and takes and takes and takes - he wants to give it all up again to let these people keep their home.
He knows his past and he is angry.
And as the player, you help him make peace with one of two things: Being human by being fallen, or keeping his soul at the cost of reliving the ancestral trauma of losing Zion yet again.
Both were pretty visceral decisions for a Mormon teenage Babylon to make.
(Tagging @boonebignaturals in this because I need a witness to my madness.)
#mormon#church#tw religion#my thoughts and feelings#these are my opinions everyone#if you don't like what I say dont follow
251 notes
·
View notes
Text
i feel like a lot of the trans artists and authors in my life are kind of indifferent to the rise of ai art because ai is not at all meant to replicate the messy, stark, often intentionally upsetting or angry or horny or joyful work that they prefer to make. it flows over them like water.
they're already broke and impassioned and it's kind of like hearing that the economy is in shambles when you're homeless. you're not getting any more homeless, you know? hearing other people bemoan that they're gonna be homeless too is sad and all, but. like, they already know every divot and cranny of the hole. "oh no, the hole! how could the suits throw me in the hole!" we've been telling you about how they're gonna put us all in the hole!
now as an academic i'm losing my fucking mind at the willingness of people to throw other people into the hole faster and say that paying people less for art and writing rules actually and to just keep burning records in favor of tech that doesn't do what it's being advertised as doing but at the same time i think "everyone cool i know got holed years ago and if they post their work somewhere uncool they'll get called eight different slurs that translate to pedophile"
it's always been a labor issue
25 notes
·
View notes
Text
dollshecraft will be closing "The DollShe Craft website will continue to operate until 2026. The site will be closed once all BJD deliveries are completed, and refunds are processed. All data will be backed up and securely stored."
actually I don't know how I managed to miss that announcement when I saw the one about selling sculpt rights
#dollshe#dollshecraft#bjd#I know a lot of people are angry but I'm just sad#I wanted things to turn around and get fixed even if slowly#he's a great sculptor and he's been around for so long it's not gonna be the same without him
34 notes
·
View notes
Text
Fuck I hate being an adult. I need a more adult adult to help with the volatile emotional situation.
#I've sort of made a new friend? Like we met at the same art group and he's also trans which was like pleasantly surprising in our small town#but like. We have Differences Of Opinion#and it's not totally his fault because it sounds like he's had a Lot of bad shit in his past that's obviously made him wary and closed off#but like. He's slightly older than me (only 4 years) and keeps blaming a load of his problems on other trans folks?#like you know the type. The like 'all these nonbinary/other identities the kids are doing are complicating shit'#the 'it hurts to see people younger than me inc. kids get hormones thrown at them when I still can't get 'em' (which... yeah not even true)#and he's told me himself he doesn't engage much with the queer community bc it's too 'toxic'#and like. I can absolutely understand why he could've had some bad experiences esp. since he has some mental health shit going on#but he wants to be friends bc he doesn't know anyone else going through the medical shit and it's like. Yeah no shit you don't?#you decided the community you'd find them in is toxic? and that people in them are doing being trans wrong?#and I think if he was just some guy online I'd like roll my eyes and ignore him#but he's a real person in my vicinity and I feel fucking bad for him#and I can see how much self loathing he has and how much that probably informs the bullshit#like he told me he thinks that trans men and cis men are fundamentally different categories and trans men will never be cis men#but not in a 'the experiences are just different and come with different perspectives way'#in like a self defeating way. Like a I just have to settle for being a trans man way.#and it made me SO SAD#like bro#I'm so sorry for whoever the fuck made you feel like you're fighting an unwinnable battle#and I want to be a friend to him. I want him to feel like there's other queer people out there and there's friends and hope#but also I genuinely could see him being the kind of person who would get really angry at you for no fault of your own#like I already get the distinct feeling he resents me a little#like obviously not too much since he still wants to hang#but he's been trying and failing to get HRT for years and I got it super quickly basically by sheer luck/a doctor who looks out for me#like I'm so fucking lucky. And I just genuinely feel like he's the kind of person who might take that personally.#I just do not think I have the fucking. Emotional tool kit to salvage this shit#But I also can't exactly text him and say sorry I don't think we should hang out so. What do.#.....I wasn't even LOOKING for a new friend! I have enough friends!!! I wanted to make clay faces and look at pretty buildings dammit!!!#now I have to be the emotionally mature one who goes hmmm maybe let's not blame other depressed trans kids for our problems buddy#I'm just gonna have to be like. Upfront about my stance and if he doesn't like it well he doesn't have to hang out with me
25 notes
·
View notes
Note
Faun you can be unhinged on here too have you seen how I post just say shit no one cares
AJHDJ
listen... i care!! i get embarrassed that anyone can see my stuff!!!!!
ok right now i'm copy+pasting a bunch of uhh..... Um. extremely nsfw headcanon rambles aiudhdj into a google docs for safe keeping before everything Burns And Dies
(yes they're almost entirely abt veneziano but not the point)
that is like WOW!!!!!!! embarrassing!!!!!! i have no filter sometimes!!!!! jesus what would i do if the peoples found out how insane i can be!!!!
quotev was different cause you just follow people and they follow you back so you see each other's stuff and then the only way of finding old posts is if you scroll AAALLLLL the way down. but anyone can theoretically see my posts on here at any time and i just get shyyy.
#ask#the-heaminator#also funny is i've realized how different i am w/ my quotev friend group#like not different i'm still me i'm just more unhinged don't hold back my affection nearly as much#they know me. they know i'm just Like That. also i'm known for being such a blabbermouth ahaha.#i was known for never shutting the hell up abt veneziano... but in a more unhinged way than on here...#i'd really say whatever about that guy with little to no shame#on here i worry a lot more??#they've seen Sides of me you guys have not ok. the sad. the angry. the horny. the downright obnoxious. all of it.#i feel like i have to be more presentable on here#put on my suit and tie for the zoom call u know?#i've been slowly opening up but i don't think i'll ever be on the same level of unhinged nonsense#tumblr feels like a house party with people i don't know vs quotev feeling like a get together with friends#and perhaps stranger mike who's a boyfriend someone brought along#who i will eventually become besties with
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
The kind of people Babish's new video has attracted. Jesus fucking Christ.
#theskinwalkerqueenspeaks#binging with babish#babish culinary universe#andrew rea#andrew rea babish#terfs dni#seriously i will fucking fill your nasal cavity with cooking oil#do not touch my gods damn post#cringing with babish#i loved this guy a lot#his channel was a comfort to me#i learned so much about food and cooking from him#he literally doesn't know me so this isn't a personal betrayal thing#i don't have a parasocial relationship with him i don't know him and he doesn't know me#but it still fucking hurts when someone you looked up to turns out to be a shitty person#the news that he took the sponsorship ruined my entire night#i'm just so sad and angry because people i look up to keep turning out to not give a shit about me or my community#sorry for the rant i'm just really upset
31 notes
·
View notes
Text
22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Am I still pretty much on hiatus? Yup. But right now, I need to write something to get the feelings out, SO.
Like this post for a positive paternal starter from one of the many dads I have! That would be: Adama, The Doctor, Goliath, Macbeth, Tom Dupain, Hades, Hank, Kratos, Thor, or Joel.
#✦ General || Starter Call / please specify muse! ✦ The start of something new#[negative tag rant incoming]#[I don't know why I try with my dad sometimes]#['differences of opinion' are for things like 'Apples are better than oranges' not fucking human rights]#[I shouldn't have to BEG my parents to see me as a person and to not actively work against my continued existence]#[sorry; I try not to mention too much when I know this is an escape for a lot of people; I'm just so tired and hurt and sad and ANGRY]#[so time for positive dad interactions]
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#can i be so fucking honest right now#being like the only one in my friend group who doesn't do or even want to try drugs is so fucking isolating#i don't even want to be around it but i can't fucking escape it#they're constantly getting high before or while we hang out and i'm so tired#like we planned to hang out this past weekend and of course i get there and one of them is high and all they wanted to do was sit and#quietly watch always sunny#like. thanks. i barely get to see you guys and the one night in like 3 months i do we don't even get to talk really. cool#and then their parents and parents' friends were smoking in the living room all night as well#and nobody thought to fucking warn me about this even though they know about my shit fuck brain#and then like. the other times when i've made plans with someone and they've bailed because they wanna go drink and get high#thanks i'm glad i'm so fucking boring to you#i don't get to go to a lot of get togethers anymore because they're full of drunk and/or high people#and i'm just. tired.#sick of my shitty fucking brain that doesn't let me chill#sick of feeling like i'm bringing people down and stopping them from having fun#because i don't want to spoil their fun. i want them to be happy#i just. idk. sometimes i really feel like they don't want to invite me out specifically because of this#like i miss out on so much because i have big anxiety about drugs#it's tiring and i'm tired and sad and angry at myself and. idk#today's been. a day i guess
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#my friend and i broke up#she's still on w the whole 'i have this' malingering and attention seeking behaviour and i tried to be sympathetic but she shut me out#her parents apparently even let her see a psychiatrist (that shit's expensive) and she did but she got a different dx now she's mad#and she doesn't want to see a counsellor. i sent her resources for what she (thought) she had and she won't even look at em#she said it's 'big psychiatry' so she didn't trust it?? i wish i was making this up#the links i sent weren't even affiliated with any doctors or psychiatrists!!#they were literally support links and pages from a reputable site for people with this disorder and pages that helped confirm if you had it#SHE REFUSED TO LOOK AT ANYTHING#SHE ONLY WANTED TO SEE THINGS THAT REINFORCED HER DELUSION#heLLO YOU YOURSELF WANTED TO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN BC YOU GOT THE WRONG ANSWER ITS A NO??#i feel like i'm going to be sick i feel horrible#i'm angry and hurt and frustrated and i don't know how to help her outta this so i feel like a useless pos#i'm so done?? done done done#the sad thing is i can't even tell 100 percent if she's actually sure she has something based on super wrong symptoms or#if she's intentionally faking#i just went thru and blocked a lot of blogs too..#because i'm starting to notice a LOT of this on tumblr too and it jumps out like a sore thumb now esp in certain communities#idk if i have it in me to see all these people in the same exact boat whether it's intentional or they actually don't get what's goin on#i'm not using certain community/label tags in my posts anymore and taking em out of my previous posts#mental health cw#rant#vent#tbd#malingering cw#munchausen cw
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
sometimes i think of scenarios in my head with my ocs and then sometimes for happy brain i kinda crossover them with my favorite medias atm and also insert myself in bcs i like being self-indulgent and yeah my brain is so fucked up that i just keep repeating the same first bits and can't get far in thinking and i end up just having my s/i ramble my thoughts and it's hard to explain but yeah but anyways it's interesting thinking about who or what my ocs would like in video games or colors or whatever because all my ocs seem to reflect a certain part of me and i can get into the psychology of that but also its hard to explain my thoughts but also anyways yeah i find it interesting thinking about who my ocs would kin
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#feel free to just ignore me oopsies i am just rambling but yeah i love my ocs so much#sorry besties you are all subject once more to my brainrots and rambles and random thoughts now that i am on tumblr rn#my brain is very interesting to me and the way i think but also i can't properly think in such a way and i find it really hard to explain#and i'm such a mess but also man i don't know and i'm going off-track and god i love vgm so much and i don't want to do homework#but anyways back to the goddamn point !!! so my oc merle. i have little crossover thoughts in my head right and i realize#he's similar with akira and then it makes sense as to why i like characters like akira and it's a little woa fr bcs#the way i imagine merle is really similar to akira actually but with a more purple color scheme (but still dark) and he doesn't wear#glasses (at least. wait. actually. i don't really know anymore) GOD my mind never stops but yeah uhm yeah#i think humans are so unbelievably interesting and it's all just so fascinating and and and#also i've awakened to the fact i really like sharks i think they're very cute! i still prefer dolphins though#people who hurt animals make me really angry and sad... i think about it and already want to cry#i have never had a pet but my grandparents had lots and it's funny how memory works. i forgot they once had a pet turtle#until something in a school group project involved my group involving a pet turtle in our storyline for something#and then i remember that past. my past. once again. and clearly even! and... yeah#but yeah... i know i will never abandon my pet if ever i do get a pet. or pets. i would never do that and i really know this is a fact with#all my heart but what's stopping me from getting a pet is that i need to take better care of myself first and learn how to take care of#pets! i think where i live there's actually an opportunity for me to do so. i'll try to see more about that. and hmm... this is a really#busy year for school. and then the next. and then tbh everything onwards from 2023 so... i don't want to put time to something#i'm not even sure if i can really make time for. but. i think i really do want a pet! a dog esp. but also a cat. but a dog esp#bcs i've always wanted one !! i know when it comes to something i really want i am very dedicated and passionate#like how i already calculated xiv expenses months before actually got the game? and planned how me and lune would do things too#and then because i want to handle money better and take note of all that i yeah and yeah and yeah im tired of typing now BYE#will now disappear again after rambling quite a lot ^__^ maybe? maybe not? who knows!#my thoughts are so. whack. wack? idk. but uhm yeah it went from ocs to sharks to pets to money and idk huh#man w some things i'm really shy about being perceived or asked about. like my ocs. egbhebgjhbjehs ;;;;;#and people being nice to me T__T sorry i rlly appreciate it but i can't really comprehend it and my coping mechanism is avoidance
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
The host's friends kinda scare me I'm gonna be honest
#.txt#Jovi 🎤#Or unnerve? Unnerve is probably a better word#Uh. No offense#We don't feel too hot I'm gonna be real#Clem is kinda. I feel like this would constitute as a psychotic breakdown but I don't know if my idea of it is correct#Or accurate or whatever#I was gonna say 'I don't know if I could describe it properly' but I don't know if I should be describing it in the first place#The moods he's circled through havw been 'angry at himself and/or other people' 'small and very very sad' or 'dazed and unaware'#Usually multiple at once though#We stayed home today if that says anything about how bad she's gotten#That wraps up everything I wanted to say I think#She's kind of scared that everyone hates her I don't think me avoiding his friends is helping but uh. What can you do eh#Wow I've talked a lot these tag things have gotten really long#Anyway what was I saying? I dunno just be cautious toward us I guess?#And if any of you do hate us like Clem's worried about you can drop your complaints in the suggestions box up front or somethin I dunno
0 notes
Text
i'm actually absolutely and completely okay as long as i don't let a single thought appear in my brain
#sadly i don't have enough distractions to stop it from happening#the last thing i watched was a long long time ago#i picked up a book for the first time in months but i'm redeading the one i read a year ago#i barely talk to people but it's totally understandable because i'm extremely boring and i don't have anything of significance to say#i can't focus on studying because i just can't for some reason#i feel so painfully and incredibly lonely and bored and stupid and sad and jealous and bitter and angry at myself and at my fucking brain#and i don't know what to do with it except just exist and hope that the next day will miraculously be better (it never does)#it's all so awfully pathetic and i don't want to be like this#i wish i were interesting and able to talk and be excited about things and able to study and be happy but i can't and it kinda hurts (a lot)#and it's all my fault and i'm the only one who can make it better but idk how to do this#it feels just so endlessly gray#stupid games on my phone and stupid tiktoks don't actually help but i have nothing else to distract me#how pathetic is this#these were supposed to be the best fucking years of my life#in what fucking alternative universe is this true#i'm so sick of this constant whining and of myself#personal
0 notes
Text
I just. I'm exhausted. I have to move heaven and earth to be Understood, even vaguely, by most people, but I try so hard to understand others! And I know part of it is my lack of communication skills! And the empty pit I have where my soul should be! That was just slowly scooped out by life and circumstance and nobody able or willing to be someone whom I could both rely on and Feel Seen when I share my interests with!
But like. It'd sure be nice if the few times I know I'm managing to effectively communicate something people would like. Pick up on the words I'm using and express even the smallest amount of honest curiosity or care about me as a person.
#dragontalk#I'm snappy at my mom a lot bc I've been going blue explaining the same ten concepts for LIKE A DECADE#but like. I'm tired. is it gonna be like this forever?#like. i have friends and acquaintances but except for me best friend who doesn't often have the bandwidth to patiently comfort my ass about#something that's been going on since we were both in middle school/bandwidth to do more than listen to my oc shit but like.#and on top of that I'm relatively picky about who i want to communicate with anyway like.#I'm just tired and sad and idk why my emotions are hitting me like a truck lately but god damn#OH WAIT. I KNOW. IT'S CAUSE I FELT SO EMPTY I WAS LIKE. 'WHERE HAVE MY EMOTIONS GONE?'#and i went looking AND OH. SURPRISE. YOU BURIED THEM CAUSE DEEP DOWN YOU'RE STILL DESPERATELY LONELY#AND FEEL LARGELY UNLOVED/NOT UNDERSTOOD.#i even know there are people who love and care about me but#*angry tears* WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL
1 note
·
View note
Text
Down the parsed dialogue rabbit hole again, this time looking at Ethel's Vicious Mockery lines for all the characters, and goddamn, they are brutal.
ASTARION You're one thirsty night away from betraying everyone. Deep down, you like being leashed, don't you? Is there still rat stuck in your teeth, slave?
GALE I can smell what's under those bandages, wizard. You're all rot and ruin. Come to greet death early? You'll be a lovely spectacle. Who would be jealous of you, apprentice?
KARLACH Let's pull your strings, infernal puppet. Happy to sell everyone's soul but your own, aren't you? When I'm done, even the Hells won't want you.
LAE'ZEL Your people will never take you back - illithid scum. Do you miss kissing Vlaakith's feet, gith? A toad with a tadpole! How fitting.
MINSC How quaint! The hamster has a pet. Only evil here is what's inside you, ranger. Go rub your rat, soft-skull.
SHADOWHEART You're so far up Shar's cake you can't see straight. Pathetic. Why would Shar love you when no one else does? You're no complex puzzle. Just a sad little girl.
WYLL Do you think losing that eye made you a hero? Oh, look! It's daddy's regret. Fraud of the Frontiers!
DRAGONBORN Aww, where's your clan? Bet they'd exile you for that brainworm in a blink. Bet that honour of yours shatters easy as your scales. You foul-breathed little lizard!
DWARF No flabby dwarf's a threat to me. More beard than brains, the lot of you. Bet you'd trade your friends for a trinket or two, gold-eater!
DWARF (DUERGAR) Bow your head, slave. You remember how, don't you? Grey and useless as a stone comb. I'll squeeze that stone heart until it bleeds, dwarf. Need a new master, illithid lover?
ELF Fancy yourself immortal? We'll see how long that lasts. I'll show you what a true fey does, dearie. Elves are so pretty. Pretty worthless!
ELF (DROW - FEMALE) Filthy underscum! Just another of Lolth's pretty harlots. Slaver. Sadist. How dare you judge me?
ELF (DROW - MALE) Bare your throat, spider-bait. Kneel, boy. Just like the matriarchs taught you to. Bow to your betters, boy.
GNOME Disgusting burrow rat. Bet your clan's happy you're gone! Try laughing after I rip your throat out, gnome.
HALF-ELF I wonder which parent regrets you more, half-breed. How revolting. Another thin-blooded mongrel. Half-elf. Half-human. All useless.
HALF-ELF (DROW) Even the Underdark doesn't want you, half-breed. A half-drow? How grotesque. Surprised you show yourself in public, abomination.
HALF-ORC Come now, tusks-for-brains! Doesn't this make you angry? All that bloodlust. A little tap, and I bet you won't know friend from foe! Lumbering half-orc. Twice as ugly as your parents combined!
HALFLING Come closer, little softie. You'll be tender. A tiny, sweet morsel. Just for me.
HUMAN Another human rat infesting Faerûn. A human! So desperate to be special. Pity. That tadpole actually made you interesting.
TIEFLING I'll burn you alive and everyone will celebrate. You're everyone's punching bag and no one's favourite. I see the Hells spit out another tragic little tiefling.
#bg3#baldur's gate 3#bg3 dialogue#astarion#gale#wyll#karlach#lae'zel#shadowheart#minsc#(none for jaheira or halsin again; maybe they're just too old for this shit and ethel can't get through to them XD )#bg3 ethel
3K notes
·
View notes
Text
"If I was a color, I think I'd be yellow"
"Why?"
"Non-important. I just feel it"
He has never seen yellow the same way again. It was everywhere. He looked for it everywhere. And everytime, without fail, he remembered you. A pretty sunflower. Your blinding smile. A little minion figure he saw on the mall. You crying after watching the latest "Despicable Me" movie (and him laughing at your cute stupid crying face). A silly Winnie the Pooh keychain on a crying child's backpack. You talking to the said sad kid you both saw on the street and trying to cheer them up, playing with them and making sure they were smiling, their worries melting away in the speed of light (you'd make such a great mother, he thinks, making his face grow bright red right after). The sun in all of it's glory. You. You. You. You.
You were like a plague infecting his brain and soul. He couldn't focus on anything anymore because you were always running through his head, the sound of your laugh playing inside his mind 24/7 and driving him half insane. He couldn't take it anymore. He had to ask you why you said to him you were yellow. How did you know? What made you so sure of it? Why you had put him under this spell in which everytime he catches just the smallest and quickest glimpse of yellow, the image of you came flooding his mind and senses? Did you even think about him the same amount of times he thought about you? He didn't know. He couldn't know unless he asked you. And it was not fair. Not fair at all.
"Remember that day you told me you were yellow?"
"Yeah" you said, stopping mid-sip of your milkshake and looking at him with your beautiful a confused face "Yeah, I do. Why?"
"You never gave me an answer to the question I asked you that day" he ignored how the first sentence you said made his heart fluster and his stomach go silly.
"Which question?" How humilliating. He's gonna have to swallow his pride and repeat it. Utterly ridiculous.
"Why?" He couldn't care less about how hurt his ego was right now "Actually, how. How did you know you're yellow?"
"Easy. It's 'cause yellow and purple are opposites, so they look good when put together"
"What?"
"Yellow and purple are on opposite sides of the color wheel, silly! So they're complementary colors and go well together"
"I know that. But what does purple have to do with you being yellow?"
"You remind me of purple"
And suddenly, he realized yellow has never been alone. Next to the beautiful sunflower, there's a bellflower, that looks gloom when compared to the yellow plant, but basks in the joy it seems to bring nonetheless. Just like you are the one to bring joy to his life. Beside the minion figure, there's a figure of those bad purple minions, and while one is considered pretty, funny and nice, the other one is scary, angry and people tend to avoid them. It reminds him of you two: extroverted and kind you and introverted and rude him. Perfect opposites. Perfect together. He hadn't noticed before, but the child's backpack was purple, and this memory was followed by the the sound of the laughs you and the little fella shared. Kids should always be happy, smiling, harmless and having fun. Comfortable. Safe. In that way, you make him feel like a little kid. Your warm embrace, so protective and oh so motherly. He feels relaxed around you. Overjoyed. And even though he doesn't smile a lot, you always seem to make him want to crack a real, big grin. It must be a superpower of yours. Lastly, the sun, always followed by the moon. Even though they don't "meet" often, when they do, they create one of the prettiest phenomena known to humanity: an eclipse. They're always apart, but when they're together, it's so beautiful that the whole world stops to see.
"That's cringy. And kinda stupid."
"No it's not! We're a perfect duo! Just admit it!!"
"'Course we are"
"What did you say? I didn't quite hear you!!"
"I'm not saying it again."
So don't act surprised when your wedding is full of beautiful sunflowers and bellflowers. You should see it coming. They look good together right? Just like you two.
RIN ITOSHI, Kunigami Rensuke, Nagi Seishiro, MICHAEL KAISER, Barou Shohei, SAE ITOSHI, TODOROKI SHOTO, SHINSOU HITOSHI, BAKUGOU KATSUKI, USHIJIMA WAKATOSHI, KAGEYAMA TOBIO, TSUKISHIMA KEI (his name's kanji meaning moon is just so-- perfect fot this fic) , Osamu Miya, Suna Rintarou, MEGUMI FUSHIGURO + any character you think fits this!!
Curiosity!!!: Bellflowers mean "everlasting love and commitment" in flower language, while sunflowers mean steadfast love!!
Masterlist
Wrote this in the middle of my portuguese class. I hate it. I'm in love with him
#blue lock#jujutsu kaisen#haikyuu#bnha#mha#itoshi rin x reader#kunigami x reader#nagi x reader#kaiser x reader#barou x reader#sae x reader#todoroki x reader#bakugou x reader#shinsou x reader#ushijima x reader#kageyama x reader#tsukishima x reader#osamu x reader#megumi x reader#blue lock x reader#mha x reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#haikyuu x reader#suna x reader
1K notes
·
View notes