#I know I might be more indulgent with gays I personally feel a strong bond with them for sharing our experience as homosexuals

[anotherradfemlesbian]

Yesterday. I watched “Paris is burning”, a documentary on the gay scene in New York during the 80’s. I loved how it shows gay men and trans women being part of the same group, sharing the same spaces, just different ways of being a homosexual male. All the support and love from the chosen families, their artistry at the balls, their culture, all the gender nonconformity was simply BEAUTIFUL.

It’s full on YouTube (it won’t let me link the color version)

I also loved this reflection by Pepper Labeija.

[artwithoutblood]

Oh man… I think I’ve worked out why I’m such a menace to Dorian.

It’s because I want to simp for the demon girlies however there are forms of affection I’m not comfortable with expressing… And also there are many forms of flirting or affection the characters wouldn’t accept.

It’s hard to know how to interact.

Eri ironically is the easiest to interact with. You know he likes quiet parallel play, little gifts, being allowed to infodump. As long as you don’t cross some very clear boundaries you could acts of service and uwu the hell out of him and eventually become somewhat close. He also spends a bit of time interacting and talking with you, even shows a twisted form of empathy.

Genesis actually doesn’t strike me as ‘just a guy’ in any sense of being generic. There’s no issue with his characterisation or look that would cause him to get less fan attention. Quite the opposite. He has an exciting extroverted personality and a cool look.

It’s more that there’s this vibe of him not really being available to bond with? In old canon Genesis was gay and aro so maybe that was a smaller audience of people who wanted to self ship, but even now that’s changed there’s the feeling that his life is very full and he’s self sufficient. Friendly and chill but not too interested in you. He’s a butterfly, here one moment and gone the next. He’s a dad, busy with his child! He’s not even home, he’s on tour! Leave the poor man alone! 

Also it’s kind of that we (player) didn’t spend a ton of time interacting with Genesis. Like he probably had a lot of the screen time in the old demo but he was more just doing his thing with you tagging along, and spent more time on the phone or interacting with Eri.

Aeron hates touch that they didn’t initiate and hates being looked at, so it feels weird and invasive to compliment or do art of them even if it’s just a fictional boundary. 

Their whole deal also doesn’t feel exactly romantic in the way they think it is but is more like… stimulation seeking? As in they’re kind of aroace coded (Demi romantic grey ace at best in my head). Aeron may only experience aesthetic attraction and fascination/obsession with a person. They flirt for excitement, to seek social interaction (and assert dominance). 

You’re like a shiny new toy or a special interest that will be a companion and give them interesting reactions until they break you. Cat with mouse. I think any private fun they indulge in with Dorian is more about novelty and strong physical sensations or causing strong emotional reactions.

In a twisted way all this is their way of expressing affection. It’s (temporarily) making them feel less empty, soothing their loneliness and boredom. Even negative reactions are feedback. Even breaking you down is sharing an intimate experience. So is metaphorically consuming you via the parasight, the mementos, or the blades. They think this heady emotional mix is love. So unless you’re into all that scary stuff it’s probably not wise to attract Aeron’s attention.

Dorian… I have no clue how to even approach Dorian. He wouldn’t stand for the babying that Eri might accept. I really don’t know how to flirt with Dorian in ways that aren’t incredibly obvious (and slightly uncomfortable to me). He seems like he’d want OTT grand mushy romance and scandalous behaviour! 😳

Plus knowing about his volatile temper yet knowing how well he covers it up makes me want to constantly test his limits to know where they are. To avoid going along in blissful ignorance then triggering him unawares and getting a really nasty surprise. In the demo bro turned on a dime. 

So I’m really curious about what he’ll tolerate from you out of love (and to what extent). Can he actually care for you a little as a person, in his own way, or whether it’s all just a projection of his own loneliness onto an ideal of someone he doesn’t even know and will inevitably disappoint him. Wondering how long he might bother to keep the soft gentle act up and not being able to stand waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I also feel like Dorian has abandonment issues but ironically also gets mad and pushes people away?

So… yeah. Lub the demon girlies but some of them have serious emotional barriers. (Understandable - this is who they are! Also I’m aware there’s no canon romantic intent in the games outside of 10:16/AWB and that’s fine!)

And I genuinely don’t know the acceptable ways to interact with them as blorbos… so it defaults to constant ‘affectionate’ teasing which probably gets old and unintentionally comes off as being a jerk. 🙁

Hmm… I am really thinking over what makes them (and me) tick.

Ps. I also just keep picking animal forms because I don’t know how I want to represent a human self insert, I don’t really have any fleshed out OCs I identify with. Also the story shenanigans are just fun. The forms will get lore.

Adding your second ask as well:

I forgot to get to the point. Basically I tease the demons due to not feeling comfortable or able to be affectionate in other ways. (Which probably doesn’t always land well and shouldn’t be the go to.) But I am also very much trying to gauge what will or won’t make Dorian snap.

You've got the main three pretty much marked down. Erebus loves and desires attention, but he won't come to understand or appreciate it until he dies a second time. I make jokes that the second death will make him an asshole. It won't, it'll just make him...more positive

Genesis's love is in family, not necessarily romance. He will leave after the first kiss. He has always been a floater. He goes where the music goes, where the world takes him. Fate is the woman he follows with her blindfold and her lyre.

Aeron wants to feel, but isn't sure how to. Or what they like. But they love reactions. They love to see what work they've done is displayed on others. True love and desire and anything else is beyond them. They will sate a companion's sexual desires with a delusion that feels all too real, while they sit and do their work. Maybe one day, they'll learn past the viscera. But after how they have been treated, the desire for true softness is not there. That is okay. They are a demon. They need not the romance.

Dorian would love if you try to test his limits. It's a game to him. He would find it very fun! He loves cheesy, over-the-top romance, but he also loves small hints at scandal. Risque attire in a public place. Making out on his work desk. But he also just loves to garden and spend time. His personal love language is quality time. Just spend time, and that's love for him. Dorian can learn to love. He's been trying. You're the first step for him to know what he likes.

[veggieteensofficial]

MEET THE DOPPELGANGERS

Bumblyburg Prep is a private academy located in the heart of Bumblyburg.  With flexible course scheduling, low teacher-to-student ratios, and a wide variety of electives and extracurriculars to choose from, it’s sure to provide it’s students with the academic enrichment they need to succeed in university and onward.  It just so happens to be home to 8 colorful students in particular that appear eerily similar to the main 7.

The idea is that they vaguely remind you of somebody you already know, whether it’s in looks or personality (or both) rather than being re-colors of the main 7 Gabriel “Gabe” West ((Larry’s doppelganger)) (pickle, 15, he/him) The unofficial ringleader.   Calm and collected.   One might say he’s…….cool as a cucumber 😎 It’s funny bc he’s a pickle. Secretly obsessed with James Taylor’s music and really likes the oldies in general. Probably owns a record player. Favorite course is probably a psychology elective. Probably flirts with Albert too much entirely by accident. Plays french horn/mellophone in the school band. Is trans and bi! Francesca Babcock ((Bob’s doppelganger)) (peach, 15, she/her) Gabe’s newly appointed right-hand girl. New in town, a little shy. Has anxiety and deals with her feelings by journaling. Has a penchant for collecting fancy pens and markers specifically for journaling. Is not too fond of being a “wealthy socialite” and wishes to be an average kid. Forms a close bond with Gabe after meeting him in homeroom. Joins the school band and plays percussion. Albert White ((Archie’s doppelganger)) (asparagus, 16, he/him) A bit more energetic than you might expect? But not too crazy. Really into computer programming, speaks a handful of languages including Korean. Translates for Soo who’s still learning English. His family is hosting her.  Plays tenor sax in the school band and likes to Get Funky With It. All honors classes with this dork.  Was adopted by a white asparagus couple as a toddler.  Big gay. Princeton Connover ((Lovey’s doppelganger #1)) (asparagus, 16, he/him) A sweet cinnamon roll of a boy. Likes coffee way too much and has a big fat crush on Albert. Probably has a single honor’s class with Albert. Aggressively hate-watches Glee and has mad respect for a sitcom that manages to do literally everything wrong all the time, go big or go home. Puts stickers on everything.  Priscilla’s twin!  Plays flute in the school band. Also in choir. Big gay.   Priscilla Connover ((Lovey’s doppelganger #2)) (asparagus, 16, she/her) Super bubbly. Favorite passtime is probably watching cartoons aimed at preschoolers. Probably trusts way too easily and gets her heart broken by people who use her. Loves pep rallies. Shares Princeton’s passions for coffee and stickers. Princeton’s twin! Definitely autistic. Has an IEP. Hates being infantilized bc of her disability and love of “childish” things. Plays clarinet in the school band. Yangpa Soo-Yun ((Kimi’s doppelganger)) (scallion, 15, she/her) A mild mannered South Korean exchange student who is still learning English. Forms a bond with Albert whose family is hosting her during her exchange program. Most likely has a soft spot for poetry. Voted Most Likely To Own A Hoodie With Cat Ears On It. Invites the gang to indulge in authentic Korean cuisine with her often. Joins the school band and plays piccolo. Kennedy Nelson ((Laura’s doppelganger)) (carrot, 15, ✨they/them✨) ✨They’re✨ really into Shakespeare. Probably really into Greek and Roman mythology too. A really good artist and everybody wants ✨them✨ for group projects if drawing is involved. Has strong opinions on everything. Plays trombone in the school band. ✨Is nonbinary!✨ Phineas “Penny” Potts ((Percy’s doppelganger)) (pea, 15, he/him) Nicknamed Penny because he always carries a penny for good luck. Very studious and takes his school work seriously. Is always mistaken for either a teacher or a preacher. Plays percussion in the school band. NOTES: ** ”West” - the english translation for “poniente,” a cucumber cultivar that originated in Europe ** White - Albert himself is not a white asparagus but his parents are ** Babcock - a peach cultivar ** Connover - From Connovers Colossal, an asparagus cultivar, tho princeton and priscilla aren’t actually of that cultivar. Pronounced like “connifer” but with more “v” ** Yangpa - Korean for “onion”. I did some light research and tried to structure her name correctly I’m sorry if it’s wrong ** Nelson - a carrot cultivar ** Potts - a plant pun ✨All designs and descriptions by Mod Spec!✨

[fuckitup-in-style]

JULIE AND THE PHANTOMS!

Hey guys, so I just finished watching JATP and I am absolutely obsessed with it! The songs, the characters, the plot - it’s just beautiful how the creators have brought to life this light, whimsical but also very heartfelt and warm show and I am so glad to see the wonderful reception from the fandom here on Tumblr and other social media outlets because the more reception, the more likely the show will come back for season 2 - which, I think we can all agree is something we all want to see (OH, and the TOURRRR)

But I couldn’t help but notice that there is some budding tension in the fandom concerning the controversy over shipping the characters Julie Molina and Luke Patterson, which I have noticed makes a lot of people uncomfortable (and I understand).

But I got some red flags when I saw words like predatory and sickening were labelled to the ship, and specifically to Luke as a character (and the casting team). I also noticed people attacking others for shipping Luke and Julie and I felt like I needed to say something.

So, as you probably can tell, I ship Juke or Jukebox as some people have started to call them (which I think is really cute). I only ship Juke, I do not under any circumstances ship the actors because 1) I dont ship actors as a principal because too many times have actors and the relationships they have held with others in their life been damaged because of people taking the chemistry they demonstrate with their onscreen relationship out of context 2) Maddy is underaged and I don’t ship child actors at all especially with 3) their co-actors, especially if they’re over 18 like Charlie is because 4) they have a very controversial age gap.

Now that I have gotten that out of the road, I was to explain why I ship Juke - and I can’t believe I feel so anxious about defending myself for wanting to see the relationship/friendship explored with Julie and Luke over the seasons but I understand. 

1. The characters themselves are 2 years apart. It’s an interracial relationship and I love the representation with Juke as well as with Willex. Maddy has promoted and publicly shipped the idea of Julie and Luke as a couple on social media and I think that if she was okay with it, than it shouldn’t be a problem (we’re the same age and i could see how, as a actress who would have the emotional and mental capacity to consent to acting out romantic scenes, it would be ok - keep in mind, it is a G-PG teens show so it would be limited to kissing. Wishing for anything beyond that to be presented as canon is wrong and I can admit that without any shame or regret). Julie canonically has a crush on Luke and Luke has canonically confirmed strong feelings/ chemistry with and for Julie. I love seeing this demonstrated when they are singing, songwritng, performing and dancing and even during really soft or playful moments like Unsaid Emily and Edge of Great and would like to see more of these really powerful moments between the two characters as the show progresses.

2. Be that as it may, I don’t want the characters to get together in the second season. I still believe that this show is primarily about Julie and the Phantoms, a band of friends consisting of a girl rediscovering her love and passion for music and continuing to do what she loves in her mom’s memory and three boys who died before they could make their dreams come true. The Orpheum was their first step to becoming legends and I don’t believe that’s over yet.

3. I also love the idea that Charlie and Maddy both have implied that they want Luke and Julie to build a strong, formidable friendship in the show before they even consider acting on any romantic notions and I support this and would look forward to seeing it! It would be great to see how their friendship, and she friendship she has with Alex and Reggie, grows and evolves over the show. Some people might argue that this will be boring and would slow the seemingly fast progress of the bond that has been shaped but I don’t think so.

There is so many subplots for the show to explore based off of what the show creators gave us in season 1:

- The obvious, Caleb possessing Nick. I have seen the Juke shippers jump right onto this one and saying how Caleb (as Nick) trying to get closer and make moves on Julie would make Luke jealous but I think we have seen a bit of that already from when Luke first interacted (kinda) with Nick when he and Julie were talking by the lockers. I think that the Caleb subplot would not only be a good idea to show how Luke will be conflicted with how he feels about it, but it would also show how Julie might be conflicted with her own feelings if she sees Nick presenting a different attitude. As to Caleb’s true motives, this presents the opportunity for some advenutre kind tropes where Julie and the Phantoms have to stop Caleb and save Nick from possession. Both Caleb and Nick have demonstrated an affintiy for performing (Nick with guitar and Caleb with singing) so that will be interesting to see. Also Willie is still under Caleb’s thumb so that will cause some angst and tension between himself and Alex.

- Willie and Alex’s relationship has a chance to develop. The last time they saw each other, Willie thought that Alex was crossing over so I think it will be super cute to see their reunion. (Boo Boo Stewart is a cutie) so I’m interested in seeing him and the Phantoms interact. Also - I kind of want to see him and Julie meet. I want to see if Julie’s ability to see ghosts extends to all ghosts or just the boys (this can relate back to the Phantoms connection to her mother and that can be explored).

- I want Reggie and Alex’s backgrounds to be developed and explored with music and with their friends. They didnt get much bonding moments with her and I want to see their friendship with Julie grow like Julie and Alex talking about relationships and Willie and Julie and Reggie talking about how he sees Ray as a father figure and how this might relate back to his own family history. 

- Carlos knows about the boys being ghosts and I want to see how that will play into everything. I know that Reggie has shown to be playful and indulgent in his ‘Ghost Hunting’ hobby so maybe they can have some fun playing pranks on Aunt Victoria. 

- I want to see Flynn’s character become more involved in the Phantoms and helping Julie reach her dreams but I also want Flynn’s dreams to be introduced and to be explored because she is such a fun and relatable character - and her and Julie’s friendship is pure - and she deserves to have a storyline independent of that or dominant and explored.

- I want more flashbacks too of Carrie and Julie’s friendship, of the boys when they were still alive, of Julie’s mom and how her connection with Sunset Curve was forged. I just think that would be super cool to see.

- Bobby has now seen the boys perform with Julie, finally achieving their dream performance at the Orpheum so I wonder how that will go on. I want to see the boys confront him and I want to see like some real shit going down on why and how he could cheat them out of their music. They were his friends and they died and he stole their dreams, their musics, their very souls laid bare on paper and I feel like that’s some good angst.

- Like I said before, it’s a show about Julie and the Phantoms and they want to make it big. After the Orpheum, it will be interesting to see them go on to play at other venues, tackle getting involved in the music industry and making more songs. I WANT MORE SONGSSS BRUH.

- Guys, if Julie and the Phantoms are going to become stars sometime in the show, they’ll be pretty famous. Like maybe they’re going to be on TV and they’re supposed to be dead and what happens if Luke’s parents see him like Bobby did? WHat will ahppen then?!

- As for romantic relationships (besides Juke and Willex) I want to see Reggie have a love interest or maybe even come out as Bi. That would be so cool! As a fellow bisexual, I think that would demonstrate a lot of representation to not only have a openly gay character (maybe two bec Willie’s sexuality hasn’t been confirmed yet but fingers crossed) but also a bi character. Maybe another ghost ? I want to see more ghosttss.

As for how I want Julie and Luke’s relationships to be explored:

- MORE MUSICCCCCC (because I feel the safetest bet right now considering, I feel everyone agrees that their music chemistry is A+ and gives their performances some fire😉)

- Some shenanagins with them and the rest of the Phantoms (+ Flynn) like them being actual teenagers (the boys were 17 when they died and I think that’s pretty sad as a 17 year old) and showing up at school and Alex dancing with Carrie when she throws Dirty Candy performances. I think it would be funny if the two of them ever met.

- Luke making fun of Nick (jealoussyyy) and him and Julie bickering like they always do. Maybe Flynn and the boys making fun of them both. Flynn will definently want to protect her friend after seeing what a wreck she was before the performance when she thought the boys might have crossed over or gotten destroyed by Caleb’s curse, so she might convince Julie to keep her distance like in ‘Edge of Great’. Alex and Reggie will make fun of Luke def. No questions. It’s what they do best but they love each other.

- Guys, they can’t just ignore Perfect Harmony like - come on. Like, if Luke goes snooping inside Julie’s dream box (because, let’s face it, it’s sitting right there and it’s full of LYRICS people and he loves MUSIC and he loves JULIE’S MUSIC and - yeah, come on.) I also think it would be funny to see more of Julie saying Luke’s name by accident or daydreaming because I thought - ACTUAL TEENAGE GIRL REPRESENTATION!

- More fighting because her and Luke have such strong, dominant personalities and I can see them clashing in the future over the direction they want the band to go in and, more or less, petty teenage stuff.

- Possibly being more diverse with their style of music like in Perfect Harmony and Unsaid Emily. Maybe exploring some really deep and emotional lyrics and changing it up with their performance (although, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE THAT BIT WHERE JULIE DOES THAT HIGH NOTE AT THE START OF THE SONG AND THAN THE BOYS JUST ROCK IN LIKE LEGENDS AND - ) but yeah, I want to cry again like I did in Unsaid Emily so. 

Anyway, feel free to add what you guys most look forward to but the whole point of this was I want this fandom to be a fun, free and safe environment. So don’t ship actors, I don’t support sexualizing child actors and don’t expect Luke or Julie’s relationship to go past the soft, chaste, fluffy kisses you see at 16/17 because it is a kids show and once again because Maddy is underage and her and Charlie’s age gap is controversial. But shipping Juke isn’t predatory because Luke isn’t a predator, the character is 17, 1-2 years older than Julie. It’s a kids show and it’s very tender, very pure and very sweet. We have seen nothing to contradict this so don’t make it something it’s not.

Anyway that’s my two cents so don’t @ me to yell at me, okay?

[magpiefngrl]

Book Recs Jan-Jun 2020

I’ve been reading voraciously these past six months (my Goodreads challenge says 68 books so far). Here are some memorable reads, grouped according to what you might be into.

I want queer romance please:

Brothers of the North Wild Sea by Harper Fox (m/m historical)

This book ruined me (in a good way). Or maybe it isn’t good that I’ll be carrying it inside my heart for ever and ever till the end of my days, my lip wobbling at the mere thought of it. A wonderful romance, a pairing I adored, gorgeous prose, a fascinating historical background (medieval times, north of England, Viking invasions). There’s a faint supernatural undercurrent that becomes more prominent at the very end. I sobbed through the last few pages with fear, with relief, with happiness. Highly, highly recced.

Bitter Springs by Laura Stone (m/m historical)

Every historical novel I’ve read is set in the UK, so the fact that this is a US historical book was fascinating to me. Two POC cowboys fall in love while seeking mustangs in the wilderness of Texas (?? idk where Del Rio is). It’s sweet and loving with a side-serving of jealousy when a former lover briefly appears on the scene; but mainly it’s two men getting to know each other and falling in love in the desert. I loved the horses too.

The Sins of Cities trilogy by KJ Charles. (3 books, 3 different couples, interconnected, m/m historical)

OK so the first book in the series didn’t do much for me. A pairing who loves to be domestic and sweet and to drink tea by the fire is cute... but I got bored. The second one, though... I think my eyes popped out of my head from the sheer heat of it. Justin Lazarus shot to the Top-5 of my fave characters of all time, and I’d willingly kill all of you for him, sorry that’s how it is. The trilogy is a murder mystery set in Victorian London, and unlike most romance series, you’ll need to read the books in order. Overall, this isn’t my fave series of KJC, but it was fun nonetheless, and it does have Justin in it so it’s worth a read.

Slippery Creatures by KJ Charles (m/m historical)

This one is amazing!!! This is KJC’s latest, first in a trilogy with the same pairing, which means the HEA is 2 books away (it doesn’t mean that this ends unhappy; another reader called it the WNDY ending -- We’re Not Done Yet). Boy, this is a scorcher. Set in the 1920s, it features spies, secret societies, murder, lies, kidnapping, grey characters with elastic morals: these are all catnip for me, and I inhaled this novel twice in a week. Highly recced for anyone into a gay historical romance, who loves a bit of pulp with their gay sex. The second installment is out next month.

The 13th Hex (novella) and Widdershins by Jordan L. Hawk (both m/m historical paranormal, but different universes)

I can’t say I’m enamoured by Hawk’s writing skills; in fact, I usually feel a tad let-down by the prose, mainly because the books have such potential. Hawk’s plotting is fantastic and his world-building fascinating and truly unique. I just love both of these worlds and their magic systems. Hot sex too. I don’t want to discourage people: I’m possibly just too fussy with prose. Hawk is super popular and you should give his books a shot. Widdershins is free! (In case it sways you: Hawk recently came out as a trans man.)

Unnatural by Joanna Chambers (m/m historical)

I read a few romances by Chambers lately, some less satisfying than others. This one is a standalone companion novel to her most popular series, called Enlightenment, set in Regency Britain. It’s a well-written fast read; a friends-to-lovers romance, with lots of tension and chemistry between the leads. As in all Chambers books that I’ve read so far, there’s lots of angst about one’s homosexuality (very era-appropriate) and lots of pull-and-push before it ends in a very HEA.

****

Do you have anything with fantasy and/or magic, my kind lady?

His Majesty’s Dragon by Naomi Novik (alternate history, Napoleonic wars with dragons)

Do you like dragons who talk and bond with honourable officers during times of war? Do you love soulmate bonds and sentiments such as: “I’ll do anything for you” and “You’re mine” but when it’s people, it makes you uncomfortable? Well, here former Naval officer Lawrence and his dragon Temeraire (and all dragons with their handlers) have this bond, and it’s the best thing ever. I’m in love with Temeraire, I shiver at the profound bond between Lawrence and his intelligent dragon, and I can’t wait to read the rest of the series by a beloved author (ahem).

The Dark Artifices by Cassandra Clare (YA urban fantasy)

I don’t hold the best opinion of Clare’s writing skills so I was pleasantly surprised when I read the first installment a few years back (Lady Midnight). I decided to reread it during quarantine, and then I moved on to the second one, Lord of Shadows. They’re both long novels, tightly-plotted, with several romances evolving on page.

I was excited to read the last one, A Queen of Air and Darkness, but alas! I didn’t love it. To start with, it’s 1000 pages long, and unlike books of that length that I’ve read, you feel it. The book drags. Everyone and their mother has a POV and a love story on page. There are no subplots, because they’re all Plots: all afforded equal space in the narrative, so there’s lots happening at the same time, but the story doesn’t feel like it’s moving forward with a good pace. As the end of the trilogy, Clare indulges in some of her fave elements, namely mentioning someone’s eye colour every three pages, or having every single person paired up by the end (something which bothers me a great deal). There are a few plot contrivances that ensure her main pairing conveniently gets their HEA. I confess I skimmed most of the last part of the book. I’m happy I read it and got to the end of the story, but I can’t say I was satisfied. If you’re looking for an undemanding, escapist fantasy, though, it’s the ticket: it certainly worked for me when I had quarantine brain.

This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amar El-Mochtar & Max Gladstone

Sci-fi, literary af, two time-travel agents from opposing Agencies bent on destroying each other, exchange letters and fall in love. I’m completely torn in half: half of the book (the prose, the imagination) left my jaw on the floor. The rest of it left me cold and indifferent. Wonderful prose, couldn’t get into the characters. Short and dense.

Swordspoint by Ellen Kushner

Queer fantasy novel that gives strong Dangerous Liaisons vibes. Written in 1987, one of the first fantasy novels to feature a society where same-sex is accepted. The writing is beautiful, the plot twisty. There’s no actual magic, but there are sword fights, courtroom drama, intrigue. Good fun if you like that kind of thing.

The Poppy War by R.F. Kuang

Adult fantasy. So far (I’m half-way through) it’s phenomenal. I’ve seen it recced everywhere and was so happy to see that Scribd offered it in my subscription. Set in a Chinese-inspired world, it features a vivid setting and memorable characters, and I’m loving it. I predict it’ll be my new fave. Do heed the content warnings (pretty much every CW you can think of applies); it’s quite dark as it progresses.

A bunch of novellas and short stories by Aliette de Bodard

This author came to my notice about a year ago. I’ve been following her on twitter ever since, but didn’t have the chance to read any of her work until I saw she had a bunch of stuff available on Scribd. I read a couple of sci-fi novellas set in a Vietnamese-inspired future; The Citadel of Weeping Pearls was my fave.

She’s also published a fantasy trilogy with fallen angels and magic set in a war-ravaged Paris, which sounds awesome. I haven’t read it, can’t afford to yet, but I did read two short stories set in that ‘verse and they were fabulous. The atmosphere, the setting, the premise, the Fallen of the Dominion universe just sounds like very much my thing. Here’s a link to some free stories they offer, if you want to check out her writing.

The Autobiography of a Traitor and a Half-Savage by Alix E. Harrow

I read a short story by Harrow several months ago and was blown away. I’ve rarely fell so fast and so deeply in love with an author. I haven’t read her debut yet, but I came across this short novella and she blew me away again. It’s a story set in the US, magical realism rather than fantasy imo, and it’s about colonialism and the land, and it’s so powerful. You can read it for free at Tor.com. Please do, it’s incredible.

******

[putschki1969]

Hi dear Sarah, I hope you're doing well. Well, I've always wanted to ask you some question, I wonder what's would be your opinion and how do you would reaction to it, I hope don't bother you. I like the yuri genre and the Kalafina girls are so beautiful, I ship them and my favorite ship is WaKei but it seems over now (sad), now HiKei is more active, actually I like both of them. So, I wonder what would be your reaction if Keiko and Hikaru make public that they're dating, I think Keiko is cute

Hi dear!!

I am doing good, thank you! o(*^▽^*)o

Don’t worry about asking this, it’s totally fine, you are not bothering me!

I am a shipper too. I have shipped all kinds of fictional and real people my entire life. I don’t think real person shipping is inherently bad because in theory all you are doing is projecting your ideas and desires onto a “concept/image” of a real person and not the actual real person. You are creating a “character” based on a person’s appearance, history and showcased personality traits. Nothing wrong about that.

However I DO understand why a majority of this fandom and other fandoms finds it very problematic. Unfortunately many fans do not know where to draw the line between fiction and reality. They lose track of the fact that they are merely shipping a “concept” and that this “idea” they have created in their mind has NOTHING to do with what’s happening in real life. Once you start believing that your ships are actually together in real life your behaviour is threatening to become unhealthy and rude.

I am prefacing my reply with all of this because your message sounds as if you might have some trouble distinguishing between reality and fiction. Don’t take this the wrong way, you are free to ship the girls as much as you want but PLEASE tread carefully when it comes to applying your fantasies to real life. I am SURE you don’t have any bad intentions (at least it doesn’t sound like that) and you might still be quite young so it’s very likely that you do not understand the full implications of what you are saying but I am just asking you to think about the things I just wrote and reflect on your understanding of “shipping”.

Now that that’s all out of the way, let’s get to your message〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→

Keiko is cute as hell and yes, all the Kala-girls are beautiful!! WaKei is my favourite ship too! I just love them so much! I will ship them until the day I die!

Just because we don’t see Wakana and Keiko interact with each other these days does not mean the ship is dead or that we have to stop shipping them. Also, I have mentioned this before but what they present to the public eye is not a reflection of what’s really happening. Due to archaic rules of conduct they are forced to ignore each other’s existence in public but that doesn’t mean they no longer share a strong bond. Thanks to subtle statements by the girls themselves and the musicians, we know that they all still love and support each other.

While WaKei is my main ship, I do see the merits of HiKei. And Hikaru has been providing a lot of fodder for our fantasies with all the cute-as-hell pictures she keeps posting XD

Your final question is unfortunately a little tricky because it seems you are blurring the lines between fantasy and reality. I will openly admit that I like to “entertain the idea” of Keiko being queer/gay/lesbian (whatever you wanna call it) but it’s not my place to actually label her as such. Generally speaking, we have no business labeling anyone’s sexuality but our own. In the same manner we should refrain from speculating about real persons’ relationships because that’s essentially “tinhatting”.

I will indulge you though, purely theoretical I would of course be happy about them dating. No matter who Wakana, Keiko and Hikaru end up with (provided they ever decide to disclose this information), I will ALWAYS be happy for them.

Okay, sorry for this long-winded reply. You are probably feeling a bit intimidated by this answer but I want you to know that I haven’t written all of this to make you feel bad or anything, I just wanted to clarify a few things.

[galaxae]

3, 7 and 18 for as many as you can answer; btw do you still have an ocs page? like with introductions and all that

wow this took forever oops!

tysm for the ask!! i’ve been meaning to make a carrd or something with oc intros, but i have so goddamn many ocs and so little time now that i’m in college and all that. and i have the code saved from my old pages before i remade, but those are kind of outdated and incomplete

that being said i’m probably gonna end up making that carrd regardless of how busy i am cause special interest indulgence and all that, so i’ll post about it when i do

anyway! i’m putting the actual oc answers under a readmore because i’m gonna try to do all the ocs i listed and it’ll be kinda long lol

3. What does your oc’s voice sound like? (Or, if you have one, what’s their voiceclaim?) Can they sing, whistle, or roll their rs? Do they have any speech impediments or notable dialects/accents?

how does one even describe voices... ok here goes

avani: she’s my character for a ttrpg campaign, so her voice sounds basically like mine (which might not help much cause you don’t know how i talk lol), but when i’m talking as her i pitch my voice up a bit and make it a bit more nasally. she’s not much of a singer, nor can she whistle, but she can roll her r’s pretty well. also, since she’s autistic and hard of hearing, her tone of voice often comes off the "wrong” way

farhan: he’s another ttrpg character i play lol, or at least he will be next semester, so his voice is again kind of like mine. but when i talk as him i pitch my voice down and it’s a bit hoarse. ig his voice would also be more “masculine” than mine but whatever. he can sing and whistle but has a pretty small vocal range (since he’s, like, 13 right now and will be 16 when i rp him next semester)

carter: i imagine his voice as low and on the quiet and raspy end, with a tiny bit of a lisp. he’s way too insecure to try to sing or even whistle or anything like that, though if he practiced at it he’d probably get pretty good

calira: she’s mute so n/a i guess. but she talks pretty formally in her dialect of elvish sign language, which is definitely unusual

sam: they have kind of a low voice that’s also raspy, but with quite a bit of pep and variation in their tone. they can even sing pretty well and they like to whistle constantly while working. that creates some kind of whiplash cause sam comes off as a typical edgy teen a lot of the time

jizoriel: high-pitched with lots of voice cracks, peak pretentious preteen/early teen jerkass. he can’t really sing or do anything similar, nor does he want to very much

victoria: so quiet and raspy that you can barely make out that it’s low and has a soothing and pleasant tone to it. she can sing well, or at least she could once upon a time

rowan: just! the happiest and most cheerful voice you can imagine! so much love behind how she talks! her voice fills up her whole head and the whole room!! and she whistles sometimes while she walks

ace: defies any masculine or feminine labels, smooth and cool in theory but they stutter quite a bit

charity: gruff but with a hint of cheer and clarity behind it that comes out when she’s startled. she loves to sing but can’t whistle and can’t roll her r’s either

jamal: i actually have a voiceclaim for him! it’s this (the voice that sings from 1:51 to 1:58)

kimberly: her voice is a bit high and a bit... idk how to say it exactly... i guess shrill would be the word?

fabián: his voice seems higher-pitched than it actually is cause he talks higher when he’s anxious, and he’s always anxious. it’s a bit hard to describe his voice otherwise tbh. i can hear it in my head but i can’t quite put it to paper oops. oh yeah also he has a great singing voice but never uses it sooo

7. What song reminds you of this oc? Does this match up with the type of music your oc likes to listen to?

this question opens up a wormhole cause i have playlists for many of these guys but instead i’ll just provide one (1) song for each and vaguely describe their music taste, how does that sound

avani: honestly “mr. capgras encounters a secondhand vanity” by will wood is a “her” song to me. her music taste leans a lot more toward older music though (like some classics from the 70s and 80s and such)

farhan: he’s still very new so i haven’t really found a song for him yet. but i know he absolutely loves peppy and energetic pop music and also sappy gay love songs

carter: (slaps my hand away when i try to type another will wood song) “fantasy island” by the shins always launches me into daydreams about him. which kinda roughly aligns with his music taste, he listens to a lot of those “mainstream indie” artists. he’d also listen to will wood because he’s gay and mentally ill <3

calira: one of my favorite songs on her playlist is “maximillian von spee” by dirt poor robins. but the music she listens to is basically all invigorating church-loving stuff with medieval-era instruments lmao

sam: “sometimes” by nick lutsko is an absolute bop and very much a sam song. sam actually doesn’t go out of their way to listen to music though, but when they do they listen to either the most soothing and relaxing stuff or to the angriest metal emo music. no in between

jizoriel: i’ll go the less emo angle here and say a song that reminds me of him is “upside down” by jack johnson. jizoriel’s music taste is like. old choir music and shit plus incomprehensible magical music that doesn’t even sound like music. if he was from earth he’d like my chemical romance

victoria and rowan: i’m grouping these two together here because a song that reminds me very strongly of both of them/their relationship is “human” by dodie. which actually fits very well into both of their music tastes!

ace: again, going the less edgy angle here, “auntie earth” by walter mitty and his makeshift orchestra. but ace mostly listens to uh, classical flute music and flute covers

charity: absolutely “dance and cry” by mother mother, that’s pretty much her theme song. it’s among her favorite songs in canon too

jamal: “tire swing” by los elk, since his arc is about letting go of childhood and all that jazz. he’s more inclined to listen to fun. and other pop artists and rappers and such. he likes janelle monae

kimberly: “best tears” by the happy fits for sure. in terms of her music taste though, her taste is pretty similar to jamal’s. they bond over being janelle monae fans

fabián: by god does “heal” by so much light fit him. his taste is that he rotates through three (3) specific obscure indie artists lmao, so theoretically i guess that specific song is included in there

18. How does your oc see themself? How does this compare to the way other ocs see them?

i am gonna do my best to keep these short cause this is a loaded question for all of them hoo boy

avani: how she sees herself: honestly the worst person alive. unless she spends every moment of her time trying to make up for what she’s done, she’s worthless, and she doesn’t deserve to love herself in any capacity how others see her: her brother (farhan) really looks up to her! most of the time. the superhero team she’s on (other people’s ocs) all think she’s generally smart and capable enough, and her boyfriend in particular thinks she’s incredible

farhan: how he sees himself: as of right now? a misunderstood emo middle schooler who’s still kind of cool i guess how others see him: his sister (avani) thinks he’s quite an impressive and charismatic young man

carter:  how he sees himself: 1/10 awkward and annoying how others see him: carter reminds calira too much of her old self, so she love-hates him. sam thinks he’s weak and cowardly but admires his kindness. and jizoriel clings to him as a caring father figure and loves carter’s passion for natural studies

calira: how she sees herself: it goes back and forth between “i’m the greatest chosen one ever im such a strong warrior” and “wow i’m literal trash why did the gods pick me for this” how others see her: carter is a bit intimidated by her but appreciates her attempts to vibe with him, sam thinks she’s an annoying pretentious self-important bitch (but their opinion softens over time), and jizoriel sees right through her facade and feels comfortable around her because of it

sam:  how they see themself: evil and in need of redemption, kind of similar to avani ig but with 10x more confidence in their skills and also much more violent how others see them: carter knows theyre doing their best even if theyre kind of an asshole, calira is a fan of their strength and determination, and jizoriel Hates Their Guts (at first) because they baby him too much

jizoriel: how he sees himself: a fucking fraud of a prince. all he has going for him is his abilities as a mage, but even then those are shaky how others see him: carter knows he’s very insecure and wants to comfort him, calira admires his magical prowess and noble air, and sam thinks he’s a snarky little pretentious douchebag but also he reminds them of their late brother and they want to protect him at all costs

victoria: how she sees herself: basically dead. only good for interacting with ghosts. not worthy of the human world or of friendship how others see her: she reminds rowan of her old self. rowan sees a glimmer of love and hope in her and wants to bring it out

rowan: how she sees herself: a fucking mess but she’s trying her best and that’s what counts! how others see her: victoria very much appreciates her cheerful air even if she doesn’t act like it

ace: how they see themself: way too weird to be human, way too weak not to be. their self-image changes constantly. theyre very confused about everything please help how others see them: charity is literally dating them lol she thinks theyre the cutest person alive, jamal appreciates how hard they try as a friend, kimberly thinks theyre an alien invader whom she can study and use to get further in life, and fabián knows more about ace than anyone else and loves them for it

charity: how she sees herself: a Teenager who’s struggling. she desperately wants to be young without the burden of her trauma but whether she thinks of herself as emo and sad and angry or not depends a lot on her mood how others see her: ace adores everything about her, jamal loves how cool and fun and sociable she can be, kimberly is annoyed with her rebelliousness, and fabián worries very much for her well-being and can’t shake the image of her as helpless (oops that’s gonna cause some drama)

jamal: how he sees himself: just a chill guy trying to get by. unremarkable. how others see him: ace is grateful for how forgiving he can be but is still terrified of him being angry over [spoilers], charity loves how sociable and fun he is and how protective he can be of his friends, kimberly secretly envies his carefree nature, and fabián sees him as a solid acquaintance to whom he did not give a good first impression

kimberly: how she sees herself: not good! if she can’t grow up fast and do science well then she’s useless how others see her: ace wants to be friends with her but doesn’t know how to do that, charity is annoyed by her rule-bound-ness, jamal thinks she’s cool but should unwind a little, and fabián resents her at first but would still like to play chess with her sometime

fabián: how he sees himself: he has a moral responsibility to help people Or Else. way too anxious and stuck up but he doesn’t know how to change that how others see him: ace fuckin Loves this guy, charity loves him too but she gets pissed when he tries to help her with anything, jamal genuinely thinks he’s a great guy and wants to get to know him better, and kimberly is actually impressed by him and envies his apparent confidence and charisma

ok ok that’s it i promise. sorry this is so long and tysm for reading if you made it this far!! feel free to ask more oc questions literally whenever, that goes for anyone reading this <3

[ruffoverthinksthings]

Since condoms and safe sex are not really available or a thing on the Isle, here it is a alternative thought. Jafar and La managed to have accidentally conceived a c hold during their fling. Would that change anything? What about Jay as a brother?

“My name meansqueen, I was born a princess, yet I feel like a servant more thananything else...”

Malika is a girlthat, like Mal, struggles with her very identity, literally andfiguratively straddling two worlds, and unable to decide which oneshe’d like to belong to full-time.

On the one hand,her mother La says she is a princess, promising her dominion over theBadlands one day, personally training and teaching her the ways ofthe hunter and of a queen in name and in action, making sure that anyinsult or doubt cast by others on her legacy is swiftly and brutallydealt with.

But no matter howstrong, how agile, and how cunning she gets in her time in theBadlands, she never seems to get her mother’s completeapproval--not even if every other soul in this bloodthirsty landknows and respects her might, when the creatures that eat their kindfor twice monthly treats think twice before choosing to stalk her.

Maybe one day hermother will decide that she has compensated for “the weakness thatflows through your veins,” but that day doesn’t seem to be comingany time soon.

On the otherhand, her father Jafar says she is her little treasure, dressing herin the finest clothes he can find and the nicest, shiniest jewels andglimmering baubles he has, makes sure her luxurious white locks aresilky and perfect, spares what cosmetics he can filch from the EvilQueen’s fingers to make her “radiant” than just beautiful.

But she knows heuses her as a means to sneak into the homes and the graces of theIsle’s elite, access to their precious baubles and trinkets so shemay pilfer them and he may sell them back to them at ridiculousprices, or to manipulate and charm others when his silver tonguefails.

And there’salso the matter of how quickly those jewels, clothes, and trinketsare taken away at the end of each night to be “stored for safekeeping,” when she’s forced to brush her hair herself, dress andbe like the “commoners” she had been lording over before, be backbelow the likes Evie and Mal.

And is she reallya princess, if she’s nothing more than just a servant to herfather...?

It doesn’t helpthat both her parents make it very difficult to think about thesethings. Every couple of months or so, she exchanges the ratty, holey,moth-eaten rug she sleeps on for a ROUS’s (Rat Of Unnerving Size’s)pelt, taken peacefully or—more often than not—violently away fromthe care of one parent and with the other, and for the brief timethat her mother and father meet in person, they always want tomake-up for the lost time and the words they hadn’t said.

Greedy,good-for-nothing louse feeding off the blood of others, growingfatter and uglier until he bursts.

Crazy, delusionalmadwoman lording over a pack of feral men and desperate outcasts,chasing glory as if it even existed here.

Keeping her fromher true potential as a Warrior Queen.

Riskingdestroying a Precious Treasure like her.

The taint on aonce-proud line.

The biggestmistake a once-proud man made.

And so many otherfoul words and pointed insults exchanged back and forth, oftentimesin three different languages.

If there’s anyunquestionably good side to all this, however, it’s her brotherJay.

They shared onlyhalf the blood in their veins, but he treated her like he was a fullsister all the same, protecting her, caring for her, indulging herand supporting her in whatever she did, whether that be holding downan alligator while she gutted it alive during hunts, picking locksfor her and relieving her of her ill-gotten goods so she may acquiremore during heists, or just wrestling with her, discussing the eventsand persons of interest of the week, or sleeping together underneaththose heavy, broken TVs, when the world and her dreams got too muchfor her.

He had no solidanswers to her, no advice about who she really should have stuck withand what she should do with her life, or she should have justcontinued to bounce back and forth between parents like a tennis ballin those tournaments on ANN.

But now, withKing Ben’s men coming back for her, just as he promised Jay, itseems like there might be a third choice, one she’s never thought.

Malika means“Queen” in Arabic. Most of the VKs refer to her as “Lika,” toavoid confusing the first part of her name with Mal, and wheninsulting her, call her “Queenie” as in “Teenie Queenie.”

She’s 14, borna year after Carlos.

She has anincredibly good relationship with Jay, as she quickly proved herselfto be more than useful and fun to be around, not at all the drain onfinances or the bastard weakling both her parents feared she wouldbe. He originally cared for her to avoid getting flak from both Jafarand La, but he quickly warmed up to her when she stole and hid in herdiaper an item that Jay almost lost when the Gaston Twins came forit, with backup, and he avoided a beating after they realized he was(surprisingly enough) telling the truth when he said he had no idea where itwas. She’s been his literal partner-in-crime since.

She and Dizzy arefriends. They both bond over being treated like slaves or servants bytheir parents, and Malika has oftentimes had her hair and her nailsdone exclusively by Dizzy.

Mal and Eviedon’t really pay much attention to her. For Mal, they don’t seeeach other as rivals as they’re gunning for two different sectionsof the Isle, and Evie has always consistently outshone Malika byvirtue of better resources, more conventionally attractiveappearance, and less being seen ripping the throats out of ROUS withher teeth.

Carlos and Malikahave a sibling rivalry esque relationship, where they both competefor Jay’s affections and time. Malika is also fond of terrifyingCarlos for shits and giggles, but he tolerates her because she’salso excellent at sourcing parts and other luxury goods from,especially the kind Jay can’t steal. As the saying goes, “If Jaycan’t steal it, ask Lika.”

Uma despisesher. This all stemmed from a prank where, as vengeance for ruiningone of her nicer dresses by dumping a bucket of rotting fish gutsover her, Malika managed to string Uma up by a crane, leaving herdangling from the docks for an hour with her underwear on fulldisplay as her crew struggled to undo the locking and jammingmechanism that kept them from getting her down. (Before you ask,Carlos helped with that.)

She bondsinstantly with Lonnie, seeing her as the big sister she neverhad: someone who was both athletic and unabashedly girly as the moodstrikes her. She joins the ROAR team after Lonnie becomes the newCaptain and starts making wider changes, though she ultimatelysettles for the newly founded Girls’ Tourney Team, as she likes thefull contact more than she does the acrobatics and sharp objects.

She’s gay forDizzy. It was a VERY late realization as she’s never had much timefor introspection in between all the training and errands her parentswere sending her on, but after Lonnie catches her checking out someof her female fans in the stands, and Evie doing her hair one timeand teasing her that it can’t be her “girlfriend” Dizzy, sherealizes that Diana Zelda Antoinette Valorie Tremaine’s stylingskills were just one half of the reason she always insisted on her.

[houseinva]

The Narc

My first experience in finding “love” turned out to be the biggest con act and disaster I’d ever encountered. The relationship harmed my health, it killed my spirits, and it left my forward thinking at a stand-still.

My life was a joke, it was; I’d been dealt some of the world’s worst odds in being the HIV nurse who got HIV from his first boyfriend after several tests. Only life’s brutal irony kicked me in the ass again with my second chance in finding love, leaving my first looking like Disney World.

For the first 6 months after my diagnosis, I didn’t leave my home except for work, doctor appointments, groceries and other basic, mundane life requirements. I isolated myself from those I knew, becoming all the more lonely and vulnerable. I felt ashamed by what happened to me, I felt so embarrassed with how my life tanked miserably, and I began avoiding friends and family, viewing myself as a failure and not wanting to even be seen.

John, a neighbor a few doors down, ended up befriending me. John was the polar opposite of me: he’d always lived on the edge, the more reckless, the better,and boy did he love throwing caution to the wind. John partied and drank like a superstar, and anything addictive – you name it – from scratch-offs to ripping something off via 5-finger discount – as long as it involved a rush of adrenaline or dopamine, he was always game for it. I could tell that John felt bad for my recent predicament, and so he made a point of inviting me out with him and his small gaggle of gays, it was an interesting bunch: there was the deaf gay, there was one that looked like George Costanza, another seemed to be the twin of Grimace from McDonald’s, and new to the addition was yours truly.

Aside from meeting John and his little gaggle of gays, that was the extent of my outward growth in the friend scene. I didn’t make another friend for several months. Then again, sitting around, alone by myself, isn’t exactly the best way to meet new people. Then one Saturday I met Ben, and my life changed in so many ways. Ben was this mellow, kind, soft-spoken and sincere guy, at least that’s how he seemed initially. We both had a past history of relationship abusie as well as HIV; we had lots in common, we hit it off rather well, and the relationship progressed naturally from there.

While John was definitely living on the legal edge of life, pushing the envelope as my jaw continued to drop, it was actually Ben who corrupted me more than anyone in my history, hands down.

Ben was a staunch supporter of doing whatever was viewed as bad, as antisocial; lying, cheating, not being monogamous were the concepts he could relate to best. His interest lied in all the things most consider wrong or at least would approach with caution, whereas Ben just give a wicket grin while managing to beat the odds and indulging himself in the bad stuff.

Ben was the most sexually liberal person I’d met so far, his past experiences in a week were more than mine in a lifetime. So Ben sought out to be my “mentor” in this new “anything goes” side of the gay universe except little did I know what that actually entailed. While I’d been slightly exposed to the “dark side” with my ex, Ben vowed to do a better job as my tour guide. Only Ben actually wound up showing me even darker sides than I’d anticipated.

But I was game for whatever at that point, and for some reason, I always trusted Ben to have my back. After all – I had HIV now – the Rolls Royce of all STD’s – so there wasn’t much else to fear at this point, right? It’s not like there are that many psychopaths running amok in the world, hunting for guys like me to mislead, manipulate and destroy. What were the odds of that happening to me again? Odds like that don’t exist, come on!. So I figured it was safe to proceed and let down my guard a bit, allowing Ben to take the wheel:

“The coast is clear, so that means its smooth sailing from here on out!”

Ben would go on to credit himself for breaking me into this lifestyle like it was an honor, like he was the ultimate instructor, doing me some huge favor:

“You lucked out, you had me to break you in!”

Only it wasn’t luck at all, it was more like an insidious curse. In fact, it might be the most cruel, inhumane and exploitative creation I’ve ever heard of. Or perhaps I’m wrong, and that’s just an understatement…

          Idealization 2: Fall, 2014

Ben and I hit it off well from the moment we met, he seemed to really “get” me from the start; he entered my life at my lowest of the lows, he was surprisingly understanding, and he treated me so well that I felt like I had my life back. He knew what topics were still too painfully fresh and avoided them, and he left me feeling at peace at least.

For the first time since acquiring HIV, I forget I even had the virus thanks to our chance meeting.  Ben sure made for an incredible escape: he gave me hope, he  was an inspiration and role model; I felt blessed to have found him. The relationship didn’t move at the speed of light like it did with my ex, although it didn’t move at a snail’s pace either. Maybe a a month after meeting, we were spending the majority of our weekend time together. At the 2-month mark, Ben had his own set of toiletries sitting in my bathroom. There was no talk of moving in, I wasn’t about to repeat the mistakes I made with my ex; it just so happened that Ben had a roommate who he wasn’t getting along with, I lived close to Ben’s work, and so a few nights a week he’d stay over at my place instead. The more time that passed, the stronger the bond grew between us. He was so chill, so mild-mannered, and even seemed to be in awe of me at times. He always said I was “wicked genius,” it was my mind that he found my most attractive feature. I loved the sound of that…

      Meeting Ben gave me a whole new outlook on life:  no longer felt like an outcast, I no longer felt embarrassed 24-7, I was no longer fixated on my dilemma like I had been in the months prior. I knew this no longer meant being stuck alone in life with this stigmatizing illness, I was in good company now. I felt like the connection we had was so strong that it was almost worth this HIV infection, as crazy as that may read. While Ben was quiet and hid his emotions, always appearing rather stoic and serious, I soon discovered he had another side that was very bold; I soon learned that my feelers were incorrect in thinking he was humble. When it came to the gay world and sex in general, he was beyond confident, he was self-assured and extremely comfortable, he didn’t view anyone or anything as being out of reach, and he didn’t treat HIV as a handicap, in fact, to him it was a non-issue. His peaceful demeanor seemed to shy away from drama, as he always remained calm and collect, no matter what. Ben was one that said very little but spoke volumes when he did. While he was introverted (he claimed his personality type to be an “INFJ,” that rare 1% of the population that everyone claims to be in their online profiles), he wasn’t the slightest bit shy about sex. I was never one to make the first move, not even with my ex, whereas Ben could talk anyone into sex no matter what. Ben was 28 at the time, and had been infected with at age 19. He had quite the sexual past, and with me still working in HIV, listening to him talk about sex like it was chewing bubble gum, his attitudes towards sexual health initially mortified me:

“I’d rather not have sex at all than wear a condom!”

So while I’d spent the last 10 years talking about the ills of condom-less sex, he’d spent the last 10 years of his promoting it, referring to himself as the self-proclaimed “biggest whore in DC.” It was almost hard to imagine, he appeared so innocent at first glance; but once his shirt came off, along with his glasses, he was nicely built, with the word chaos tattooed on his chest. Ben certainly knew how to perform in bed, in the streets, and anywhere he wanted: he was the McGyver of sex as I called him. He could fix any sexual problem with a few moments of thought and… some spit. In time, though, I became normalized to his way of life.

The first time we had sex I was blown away, and out of nowhere I suffered diarrhea of the mouth, asking him oddly… if he’d been an escort before. No, I wasn’t someone to frequent escorts; it’s just that he performed like a pro, it seemed almost rehearsed or scripted, and I wasn’t complaining or trying to insult him in any way, it just made me think perhaps he’d escorted or done similar, and the words fell right out of my mouth.

I’d never been with someone who completely lost himself in the moment like Ben: the looks he gave me, the constant eye-contact that pierced my soul, the tender roughness he introduced, the moans and groans that carried themselves throughout my entire condo building  – this was something I’d never experienced before. My diarrhea mouth opened up Pandora’s box, as that’s when I found out Ben’s past had a tinge of what I’d experienced in mine recently. When he was 16 years old, Ben met his first boyfriend, a guy in his early 20’s. Shortly after, Ben was introduced to group sex and sex parties, only he was unaware his boyfriend was pimping him out to these guys. He was collecting money behind Ben’s back, without his knowledge or consent, plus Ben wasn’t even of age. I was told the relationship was filled with physical and mental abuse. In the end, Ben kicked the guy’s teeth out and left him for good, but reported he left the experience a totally different person, he came out of it changed, and found himself with an even “darker side” to him that wasn’t there before.  I didn’t understand what he meant by that, but he said that he then worked as an escort for several years. He described escorting as a way to regain his own power, as sex had previously left him powerless. One comment he made jumped out at me: he said he’d learned to use sex as as a weapon; for some reason this comment was one I never forgot, in fact, I can close my eyes and hear Ben saying those very words now, despite years having passed.

He escorted for several years and had left those days behind for a stable, blue-color, well paying job. He didn’t regret escorting, though; he said if he could still make the money, he’d do it, but at age 28 he was already “over the hill.” I didn’t judge him (minus his ageist remark), I knew life was far from the ideal I once believed it was, I was just happy to meet a great guy that was also HIV+.  Ben became a huge part of my life.

Before meeting him I was a mess, I was stuck in my PTSD phase after leaving an abusive relationship, and Ben knew more about about what happened to me than I did. When I told him about happened to me, he responded: “sounds like you were with a psychopath.”  I still didn’t know what a psychopath was. But he seemed to know a lot about emotional manipulators. He taught me words that matched the craziness I’d experienced perfectly, terms I’d never heard of before, like gas-lighting. I was so impressed with his knowledge; having endured abuse, I found in him a friend who I could finally related to. I’d discovered a needle in a haystack that I could look up to for advice, learn from, and begin to heal alongside. Ben’s charm, good looks, and fearless attitude towards life were intoxicating. At that time if you asked me what stood out the most about Ben’s character, it was his integrity, his sincerity, and his altruism. For whatever reason, he also made me feel like I was safe when I was with him, that nothing bad could come close to me, and I loved feeling this way… finally. This was like the best possible scenario I could have dreamed possible after what I’d just experienced. I actually told my mom perhaps HIV was a blessing in disguise, because without it, I’d have likely never crossed paths with Ben. Like always, I’d later realize I spoke too soon.

Before I knew it, Ben was with me all the time. Weeks passed like this, our time together was memorable, and I grew to view him like he was family. I noticed Ben didn’t know too much about his HIV medications, most people with HIV don’t, whereas I had been working in the field for nearly a decade. Ben often left his pills in the car, and one should never leave medication subject to the weather, and I’ll admit I scolded him on this. When I saw the antiretroviral medication combination he was taking – 6 archaic pills in fact – I didn’t like what I saw. I looked at what he was taking and came up with a better plan that would simply his regimen down to one pill daily. I encouraged him to speak to his physician, and eventually he did so. Strangely, the only “thanks” I got from Bed oddly was: “I guess it’s better, but it was a lot easier to forget 6 pills than 1!” Some thanks I got, but I figured Ben didn’t like being reminded of anything regarding the pill regimen he’d be stuck on indefinitely; I could attest to that. But I aimed to not only simplify things, but I picked out the best HIV drug that had ever been approved, a pill that recent studies showed even removed all HIV from semen in a matter of days after starting it, meaning it was a drug that left Ben virtually impossible to transmit the virus. I may not have seen much appreciation for my efforts, but deep down I felt good for having simplified his life, and improved his health in the long-term.

Devaluation 2: December, 2014  

Then one Friday night, Ben didn’t show up as planned, he didn’t answer his phone, either; I got worried and called, he never answered; I tried the following day, and again nothing. I tried a few more times, thinking something had happened to him.

One week later he answered the phone with an attitude, greeting me with the opposite of what I expected:

“You keep calling me like I’m your boyfriend or something, Jesus. You know I’m not your boyfriend, right? And I never will be, okie dokie?”

I’d never expected to hear those words from Ben, they were cold, callous, they aimed to make me feel lesser-than; this wasn’t the kind ,young man I’d met a few months ago, this was someone else, and my stomach sank to the ground: “I didn’t think we had a title but you have your toothbrush and what-not over my place, I thought that –“

Ben interrupted me:

“You thought wrong.  Look, I’m out of  town, and I ran into my ex and he accidentally fucked me, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell you that because I knew it would hurt, but you’ve just kept calling every day, and it’s gotten annoying.”

I thought to myself, well, if you didn’t want to hurt me, then why the hell did you add that last part in after all? And how did you accidentally get fucked? On your fall down, did you miraculously fall on an enema before even more miraculously landing right on his dick?

I explained that I’d called as he never showed up and I was worried; then I asked him when and why he’d concluded that I wasn’t date-worthy. He mentioned several reasons: I over-think everything (and that statement was repeated time and again during our relationship), my over-thinking everything seemed to drive him mad. He also said I was far too smart for him to date, which I found odd, that we had too many qualities that clashed, and also he thought I wouldn’t make a good father and he was destined to one day have kids. Only now do I realize what he was truly saying. The words that ensued seemed to push that dagger in through my heart even deeper: “We’ll never date; get that through your head. We have no future together.” He stressed this ideal and my inferiority, along with my imminent expulsion from Ben’s cool club, as often as possible from that point going forward. It was a change I never saw coming, I didn’t understand what had even happened.

Ben continued:

“Now, if you want to keep having sex with me, I’m not gonna pass it up, but it doesn’t matter to me if I do or I don’t, I can take it or leave it. But in terms of dating – that has not been happening, nor will that ever happen, Okie Dokie? Yeah, we’ve been hanging out, having sex, and doing what most gay guys do. That is far from dating. Look: I’ve got a dark side to me that you wouldn’t like. Keep that between us, and don’t try and figure me out, either – nobody can, I can’t even figure myself out. You deserve to date someone better than me anyway.”

    The way he said this, so non-nonchalant and blunt, really stung, it was mean, he was showing me that he called all the shots, he had the power and dictated everything, and my feelings and needs were not his concern in the slightest. If I wanted what little he had remaining in his pursuit for the ideal boyfriend, so be it; but he could care less, I wasn’t special to him at all. Nobody had ever spoken to me in a manner that cut my self-esteem into pieces like Ben had, and it came off like he’d selected each word with the intent to hurt me. The wonderful young man I’d met was suddenly a dictator who had no love for me and had merely strung me along for months with a fake act and a bunch of lies, leading me to believe in a romance he viewed as a farce.  This was weird, this wasn’t how I’d treat someone, especially if I could relate to their recent predicament, I thought that’s almost sinister; but I stopped thinking about this sudden change in his character as the depression that had recently abated came back full force. I felt like I was worthless, like I was nothing more than a toxic virus and nobody wanted me, so I accepted Ben’s leftover scraps.

I knew his words and subsequent actions were dehumanizing, but then I’d begin thinking back on the first months after my diagnosis and concluded: a little bit of pain thrown in was better than a whole lot of nothingness. I thought Ben was dealing with something that triggered him at that moment, and with his past history of abuse and escorting, he was bound to have picked up a few bad habits in surviving the means streets. Maybe my initial impression had been off, but maybe he was experiencing a bad period in his life, I never believed anyone could be totally dead-set in their beliefs and unchangeable in their harshness.

Nobody put a gun to my head and forced me to conceit to this one-sided relationship. I accept responsibility in becoming part of this degrading role as what later turned out to be his punching bag. It was later on that I realize this sort “friendships” wasn’t even possible; it was a power play, it constituted abuse. I believed that I’d happened upon someone who had long ago dealt with having HIV and my needing to be coddled with that topic annoyed him. Plus Ben was popular, he was in high-demand, and so he was a bit on a high horse at times. He definitely wasn’t the kindest person when crossed; still I’d rather be on his team than on no team at all. I gave in and continued in the whatever-he-gives-me-relationship with Ben.

I also believed that once Ben discovered who I really was, that I had a good heart, was fun, creative, and musically gifted, he’d come to view me as valuable and perhaps he’d even develop feelings once he knew the real me. Or at least he’d appreciate what I brought to the table as a friend. Despite him speaking to me like this, besides being offended and hurt, I still felt this bizarre closeness towards him, like I’d known him for years, like he was family, and oddly… I still felt safe when I was with him, I felt this need to be loyal to him.

I believed that Ben could see things from other points of view, although while rigid, that he had the capacity to compromise, to change his mind, and that he wasn’t totally dead set in his ways, in putting himself first all the time, and showing no remorse for hurting others’ feelings. I also believed that, despite his mean rhetoric, he at least saw a true friend in me, and in my life friends didn’t just come and go, friends were meant to be there forever, they’re like your extended family. Soon I’d discover that all the traits I thought mankind was made up of – traits that are present in almost all people I’d known – were somehow inherently absent in him.

  The relationship ensued, only his treatment would wax and wane from dream (fake) boyfriend to evil, sadistic child out to bully me on the playground. As time progressed, this juvenile side seemed to be all I experienced. His “favorite” way to punish me when I pissed him off was with the “silent treatment,” similar to my ex, only with Ben he was already quiet, so it was hard to know when the silent treatment had started and stopped. I found myself confused, and felt like Ben enjoyed holding power and control over me, as the silent treatment only ended when he decided. He made me feel like my presence wasn’t needed or wanted by him, whereas I needed his to exit this world of silence, and therefore with time I became dependent on him and saw myself as inferior.

Ben’s sadistic change in demeanor was perplexing, and I pressed him for more answers about this “dark side” he claimed to have.

“What did I tell you about trying to figure me out? I told you not to try doing it; if I don’t understand it, you definitely won’t either. And trust me, you don’t want to know or understand it.”  

The biggest explanation I received as to why he had “2 personalities”, the good and the bad, was Ben’s automatic line:

“That’s because I’m a Gemini.”

When I asked him to explain he’d just roll his eyes. So I didn’t ask again, at least not during round 1, this first period of us meeting.

I found it strange; he even had a name for this alter-ego, but I didn’t question him further; I figured it was his way of coping with his abuse and a means of living in denial.  I didn’t know what any of this signified; he was a bit mean and selfish at times, but often he was pleasant and enjoyable to be around, especially if it wasn’t just the two of us. What struck me as confusing was how someone could treat me better than I’d ever been treated before, yet also treat me worse than I’d ever be treated before. It seemed so unreal that the same person could be responsible for both.

    I shouldn’t have stuck around like I stupidly did; I should have left that ‘relationship’ then and there, running for the hills, remembering pieces of my last relationship that were resurfacing here only in a slightly different manner.

But I wasn’t in a calm, rational state of mind at that time. Instead, depressed and distraught, I had nothing now in my life, without Ben, except for HIV, and HIV had already killed my spirit. So I chose to take what little Ben would give in lieu of the perceived nothing I’d have if just with HIV alone. Our “friendship” was highly sexual and emotionally abusive, yet most that saw us together it seemed like we were this perfect, happily married couple. Little did they know we weren’t close to that.

Ben would not budge in his willingness to date me. You couldn’t get him to budge much for anything, maybe occasionally when he’d benefit from something he would. He could be bright and a lot of fun when he wanted to be, but he always made sure I knew that he held all the power. He drove home hard the idea that he didn’t need me at all, whereas I needed him like a child needed a parent. He rarely (if ever) apologized for his behavior or mistakes, he believed that he was was perfect as is; he viewed anyone that thought he was selfish and should change as the enemy. He was self-centered, he was all about himself, he didn’t seem to have much concern for my feelings, and I was starting to see this one-sided friendship really drag me down. And I was already feeling down so I knew this wasn’t healthy but I didn’t know anyone else willing to take on my mess and tolerate the pathetic state I believed I was in. Ben had met me after the most serious period of abuse, shock and fear I’ll ever experience in my lifetime, and I hadn’t begun to heal; he still had a lot fenced up inside him. But shortly after, he’d become mad when I brought up this topic for discussion at all. Soon he started placing rules on our sex, often under the guise that it was helping me: “You’re getting attached, I’m cutting off the sex.”

It seemed like he kinda got off on putting me down, making it known that he held the power, I didn’t, and that he had several Alex’s whereas I only had 1 Ben. But the moment he wanted sex, the rules were out the door. The friendship was very one-sided: if I wanted sex, he’d say no if he even answered, usually he just deflected the question by addressing something else. If he came over on his own accord, sex always happened, I didn’t say no because him seducing me became like breathing air, it was happening all the time, and I was used to breathing that; plus he’d walk right into my place, taking his clothes off like it was nothing special. A stupid part of me still believed that he had to view sex like I did, as being special, as being sacred. But no, Ben saw having sex like chewing a piece of gum. It was frustrating and I found myself rather jaded, and further isolated myself from the world. I began to notice that his compliments always seemed back-handed: “You’re really attractive for an older man.” I was 5 years older than Ben, and while it didn’t seem like he’d thrown that in there to insult me, I couldn’t help but take offense as this is how he phrased it every single time, always tacking on my “older” age even though I was 33 at this point in time.   When he’d refer to our sex, he’d always have to add on a comment about how he didn’t need it, he could take it or leave it, and focus on our “friendship.” My eyes would be rolling in my head listening to that passive-aggressive crap, and what kinda “friendship” was Ben even working towards with me? He later came at me with more insults and jabs, frequently mentioning my lack of self-esteem, always reminding me that we’d never date, only having sex when he wanted it, and always bringing up what I referred to as my “pre-planned demise” as he’d frequently ask me, “What are you gonna do when I start dating?”

He later claimed his comments were all done out of kindness, so I wasn’t taken aback when he was suddenly dating. Only… that never happened; all that ever happened was him antagonizing me by constantly by bringing up how unworthy I was of dating him, but someone else out there was, and I needed to think about how I’d react when he someday found his next victim. This seemed to happen with a whole lot of topics actually, getting me all worked up over things that were coming down the pike, things I wouldn’t like so I needed to be forewarned, only none of these bad things ever panned out. It made no sense to me – why get someone all stressed out and worked up over nothing? It seemed like such a waste of time and energy on his part, and completely draining emotionally on my end.

He seemed to enjoy bullying me, he enjoyed putting me down to feel better about himself but I didn’t get why. Constantly bringing up my end date was inhumane; here he’d met me after my first boyfriend-turned-psychopath infected me with HIV, he had the chance to make a positive impact in my life, but instead… all he could dwell on was my unworthiness, as well as my exit once someone that was worthy entered the picture. It was demeaning, it was mean, and what was most confusing was how he’d started all this off being so kind, and leaving me feeling… safe.

I’ll never forget one Friday night when he looked at me half-way through sex and said, “You like this, don’t you?” I nodded, and he suddenly fired back:

“Well if you don’t fuck 2 other guys by Friday, we’re not having sex again the two of us!”

My head was spinning, I was so mortified, I felt crushed.  Who wants the guy they’re sleeping with to be sleeping with others? Why would someone threaten to withhold sex from me if I didn’t go out and do something I didn’t want to do sexually with other guys?  This  was really, really bizarre. The way he went from treating me so wonderfully with sex to cruel and controlling with sex baffled me. Down the road when I’d bring up how his treatment and demeanor changed so abruptly with me, his excuse didn’t seem to match what I’d experienced at all:

“I was trying to make sure you didn’t get too attached to me, I wanted to make sure you experienced sex with other guys. I knew I always wanted you; I just knew it wasn’t the right time when we first me.”

Among other comments that made Ben appear entitled, and his compliments perhaps back-handed, he’d say things like:

He felt he deserved 3 boyfriends, not just one; in fact I wasn’t even on the waiting list. It came off as he viewed himself as being special, deserving the best x 3; he wasn’t successful or wealthy but seemed to think he was so “hot” and unique that he deserved everything.

He seemed to re-write history a lot, his recollection of events were often very different than mine. He’d take all the insults and degrading comments he’d make and later paint them out to be tough love, encouraging me to be stronger, or even wanting to protect me. It all seemed like bullshit to me.

He’d frequently point out  how lucky I was that out of everyone else in the world that he’d “chosen” me. He acted like he was some Superstar, and in such high demand.

He lied a lot, and about anything and everything I was finding out; he often seemed convinced he was telling the truth when I knew it to be different, he often lied about nothing worth lying about. I began to feel like I couldn’t trust anything he said.

He told me that he only dated a guy, if they made the cut, for 30 days before disappearing on them altogether; why 30 days? “Because that’s when people really start to develop feelings,” and he didn’t want to deal with others’ feelings since they always fell in love with him. Damn. Ben sure felt high and mighty hidden behind his glasses. He also seemed to hint at how sticking around one place would let too much out about who he was, he was very secretive about his life for some reason, he told me little about his other friends, family and past.

He planned out everything he did beforehand to a tee, and became upset when things didn’t go as planned or he when didn’t get all he wanted.

He could certainly dish out the nasty; but the slightest criticism seemed to upset him like a child.

He spoke constantly of his alter ego, his dark side, which he claimed I hadn’t come close to seeing yet, despite my opinion that he was often behaving in a cruel manner.

He loved to hit me with the silent treatment, but always denied doing it intentionally, blaming it instead on being introvert and an INFJ that needed his alone time. It just so happened that the 4-day stretch of alone time always came after I challenged him or didn’t do what he wanted.

At the end of our friendship, round 1 as we later called it, he informed me that he’d slept with 20 guys that month, who knows if that was just an exaggeration. When I asked him if he thought he had a sex addiction or was really that horny, he responded by saying: “Sex isn’t about being horny, it’s about power.” I realized then that Ben was likely on a hunt for all the power he could get…

Ben also didn’t seem to have any solid friendships, everyone in the gay scene knew him, but when he and I were hanging out he was always alone with me; I never met any of his friends. He also described having a rough childhood where he had to take on “parenting” tasks as his folks were getting divorced and he had to hide it from his siblings. He said his father constantly told him to hide his emotions, punishing him if he let his feelings show. He said his family moved every 2 years or so due to being in the military, never having a sense of stability, never making solid friends, and never connecting with anyone for very long. He’d frequently mention his desire to move, to leave all behind, and escape his problems here for another place. I told him that’s not how things typically worked, that running away from problems didn’t leave the problems behind, it brought them with you. He disagreed; he recanted cutting all ties with his family for 3 years, moving across the country, trying to figure out his life; he said his problems remained back in the DMV,not following him where he went. He mentioned he had no issues disconnecting from his family during that period, never once speaking to them until he returned. He told me about a boyfriend he’d lived with for 4 years and one day, Ben up and left him. He said his boyfriend had become complacent, and Ben felt he was standing in the way of him reaching his potential. So Ben left him, and as a result, the ex was forced to grow up, go to college, and now was making a 6 figure salary: “I had no problems leaving him because I knew I was doing it to help him, to make him grow, and it worked.” It also seemed odd to me: all I’d ever wanted in life was love, and I couldn’t imagine finally finding it, and then after 4 years suddenly leaving it behind when a good sit-down talk could have helped resolve things. But to each their own… one thing was clear: Ben was confident in himself, he didn’t depend on the approval of others, he was fine being on his own, and he didn’t allow anyone to tie him down at all, he did what he wanted, there was little compromise, he was stubborn as hell, he was dead-set in his ways and beliefs, and whom he deemed as “worthy” and ��beneficial” to have around was set in stone from the first greeting and didn’t change much thereafter. At the time while I found it odd, I respected him for it; I was insecure and often agreed to things I didn’t want to do, whereas Ben stuck to his guns, and didn’t end up in the same predicaments as I often did. When it came to dating, he wouldn’t settle for anything other than his ideal mate; he had no issues explaining to me time and again how I didn’t fit his “ideal” and that’s all he’d seek. He had all these ideals, these visions for his future that he felt were necessary to be happy: he wanted kids, a great-paying job in information technology, he wanted to live by the beach, he insisted on having a grand wedding.

While Ben didn’t seem to do many good things for me, I continued having my eyes out on his best interests. I noticed a lesion on his butt, it looked to be a rectal fissure or fistula, I wasn’t certain, but I knew it didn’t look good and it needed surgery. Through surgeons I knew from working in the community, I managed to land Ben an appointment with the best of the best – a surgeon whose waiting list was 6 months long just for a baseline appointment – only I was able to shenagle it so that Ben was seen the next week. Like with his HIV meds, Ben didn’t seem all that appreciative, but then again, nobody wants surgery, and often people don’t appreciate their “peers” pointing out medical problems that need further investigation. Nonetheless, Ben booked the surgery, and I was more excited than he was – not that surgery is every a reason to be excited – but because he was in the best hands, and the area I saw looked like, if untreated, could turn into cancer one day. So regardless of what Ben thought, I knew what I was doing was something that would not only change this life but possibly save it. I was far from perfect, but I believed I was a good friend to Ben, I believed that I put his best interests before anything else, and just as I’d aimed to do (regardless of his frequent immature treatment), I felt like I was being the best friend I could to him.

Discard: January, 2015

I didn’t mind helping Ben out and having it go unnoticed. However, I found myself becoming more and more bummed in the relationship. My self-esteem was falling by the minute based on how he made me feel so… ugly, so run-of-the-mill, so un-exciting.

One day I decided to research the term “psychopath” on the internet after Ben mentioned it another time, and in doing so, stumbled upon Narcissistic Personality Disorder – a close relative to psychopathy. In reading it I couldn’t help but see many of Ben’s strange quirks being described, although the over-the-top behavior described in the article didn’t match Ben at all, who was introverted and quiet.

But still… I wondered if he might have a little of that in him, maybe that’s why nobody can figure him out like he said, maybe that’s why he doesn’t seem to have empathy or concern for my feelings, maybe that’s why he has a dark side he keeps hidden yet warns you not to cross.

I sent Ben an email, and included a portion of the article in it, asking him if perhaps he thought that was why he had a “dark side” and if it might explain some of his nuances. Ben called me 2 days later, having gotten out of surgery a few hours before. I asked him how things went, and what he said surprised me:

“Things went well. Oh, and I read your email by the way. You will never hear from me, speak to me, or see me again. I’m blocking you in my phone and I want nothing to do with you. You’re discarded from my life: you will never find closure. Goodbye!”

Suddenly – the feeling I got when my ex up and vanished came back full-force, and I was experiencing it all over again. Why had he gotten so offended with what I wrote? After all, he was mistreating me really badly, this was at my lowest of the lows in my life, he had the chance to be a true friend, a role model and instead he treated me like crap. Why would one stupid article about narcissism – one word for that matter, narcissist – create such a whirlwind of animosity inside him? I didn’t get it, but what I did get was Ben’s never-ending silent treatment: I was discarded just as he said I would be. I had never felt so much pain in my life, such humiliation, such confusion and betrayal. Ben, albeit having issues, felt like family to me, and initially he’d treated me like gold. How he suddenly had no empathy for leaving me all alone made my stomach sink to the ground; how he wanted nothing to do with me and flat-out cut me out of his life –  all because I asked if he might be a narcissist – seemed over-the-top, seemed very immature and juvenile, it was as if he was punishing me for having criticized him about something that perhaps was true, look at his reaction. If someone asked me that very question about having narcissistic traits, I’d have laughed, I wouldn’t disown them.

I tried for several weeks to get him to cave, I reached out repeatedly by email and using my home phone, which he quickly blocked, as well. Ben’s stubborn ways made certain that his word was the only word, and that I’d be banished from his life all for suggesting he had narcissistic traits. And the truth was: he did, big time. Only I didn’t realize just how big yet, I thought he was selfish, vain, overly confident when he didn’t have the accomplishments to match, and a slight bully. What had I done to him that was so wrong? I’d merely endured his abuse, and when I called him out on it, he ensured that I was further abused for crossing him, for perhaps forcing him to see himself as he truly was, as not the perfect, all-American boy he wanted to pretend he was: Ben couldn’t handle that the “ideal” self he saw of himself was, in fact, just a phony.

While the ending of my last relationship changed my life in a way that it could never be repaired, my ending with Ben might have took what little hope I had left…

…and threw it into a deep, dark, ravine that kept leading further into darkness…

        …and it would only get darker until Ben finished off what he’d started. Because while I’d read a few articles on Narcissistic Personality Disorder at that point in time, I didn’t actually think Ben was part of that club, no way. I believed he had narcissistic traits and was a bit immature in his putting others down to make himself feel better, but I never believed that Ben was some sort of monster. I attributed his behavior to his life experiences, to being pimped out at a young age, and to escorting. I still viewed him as a person, as a human being that was inherently good deep-down, only that goodness was just hiding out somewhere, waiting to come out in time. I didn’t view him as evil, as a vampire whose only mission in life was to tear others down until they were nothing – all so that at he could suck the life out of whomever, and feel some tiny amount of pleasure, leaving them drained and practically dead, all so he could feel validated. Never in a million years did I think that worse was on its way, not after what I’d been through already. I mean, a person can only take so much before they break, right? God, karma, the powers that be, they give good people breaks, especially after putting them through unbelievable hell like me, right?

          Ben: he couldn’t he be worse than my ex, he wasn’t that sort of animal, right? No way in hell; at least that’s what I thought, despite how badly he’d treated me.

                        I’ll give credit when it’s due, regardless of interpersonal strains. It was through Ben’s mentioning of the word psychopath that I finally came to research the topic, and began reading about it more and more as I discovered a great deal of information that took me by surprise: it was like reading the biography of my ex, it was like reading about every single thing I’d experienced with him that left me dumbfounded, now suddenly I felt enlightened, suddenly I had that moment of epiphany wherein finally I understood what I’d just dealt with.

Suddenly it all made perfect sense, well, not really because nothing makes sense when dealing with a psychopath, nothing makes logical sense that is – but now knowing what I did, in the context of psychopathy, it all made total sense, if that makes any sense. Thinking back on Ben, on all the good, and the bad, I couldn’t help but feel like I had lost someone special, someone I never got to learn important life lessons from.  And all because of a stupid word. I felt sad, I felt lonely, I felt like I’d never, ever find love in this world. Ben, even with his nasty side, had an incredible side that I truly missed. It was painful knowing he’d blocked me completely from his life and I’d never, ever see him again. With my ex so many things happened at once it was complete pandemonium, whereas this was one, abrupt slice out of my life – gone. It was the most painful thing I’ve experienced honestly, and I will never forget that.

I didn’t even know what narcissism actually entailed at the time, I just thought it meant that someone was wired to be a bit egotistical and selfish; I didn’t know that clinical narcissism is a disorder of delusion, it’s a pathology akin to psychopathy and sociopathy, in fact, many experts argue that they’re one in the same.

  I won’t deny that for whatever reason, maybe it was the timing right after my ex, after my HIV diagnosis, that this one event stung so badly that I failed to fully recover from it. It left me feeling worse than how I’d felt when I first met Ben. Only I never imagined that this was just the beginning of Ben’s end for me...

Several months later, I got word that my neighbor John was arrested: he ended up getting thrown in the slammer for… 9 years   Ugh. It was sad to lose his wicked sense of sarcasm, and his pursuit for fun and anything that would seep out dopamine.  It was sad because his whole life was taken away in an instant. It was beyond sad, it was awful.

One random day that winter, I got a call from police investigators; they were calling about John; they wanted to speak with me, and I did, I had nothing to hide. I answered their questions truthfully and then went on my way. It seemed rather out-of-place, very strange, that they’d contacted me of all people. I didn’t know what all he’d been into, but it turned out to be a lot. I’d taken care of his cat when he’d leave town and that summer we’d hung out quite a bit, but other than that, we weren’t like besties, I didn’t even know about the operation he had going on. I knew very little, and they seemed frustrated but I was honest. But I wasn’t much use to them, and they thanked me and said goodbye.

I forgot all about this event for quite some time… and not once did I think there was any connection here between characters: Ben, John, “those people” from law enforcement… they were all distinct part of the chaos of the universe I believed. But in time I’d discover that wasn’t exactly the case; get ready for the smear campaign of all smear campaigns, brought into the new millennium, complete with e-Gaslighting!

    I was so upset losing Ben, and I tried reaching him every few weeks for several months, but I never got through. I had slighted his ego tremendously in asking if he was a narcissist. I didn’t understand in the slightest bit why that one word would have such a giant impact on him but my conclusion was that he must be a narcissist after all. Big deal, I thought, why get so upset? Because I was still clueless regarding what a narcissist truly is… they’ve the most vile, evil creations in existence.  Ben was one, and so he knew precisely what that word meant; I didn’t. Nor did I know the grave sin I committed that day when I opened my mouth.

[neilmillerne]

Get Creative With These 5 Healthy Date Ideas

Quick, when was your last date?

If you’re like me, it may have coincided with the birth of Daenerys’ dragons…

Whether it’s been awhile since your last date, or even if it hasn’t, summer is here and it’s the perfect time to reinvigorate your love life. Whether you are a man or woman, gay or straight, single or taken (or anything in between) we all need a little love in our lives for our general well-being.

Love can be felt from various personal relationships, but for the purpose of this article, I’m focusing on romantic love. While it can be easy to overlook, love is a huge part of mental and physical health, general well-being and happiness. One study, which examined more than 300,000 participants, found people who lack strong personal relationships increased their risk of premature death from all causes by 50%.

50%!

That’s an effect on mortality risk greater than obesity or physical inactivity and nearly as bad as smoking everyday. Wow.

Though I’m in the “single” category, I’m blessed to have extremely close relationships with friends and family (*wipes sweat from brow) … but in that quest to find my permanent partner in crime, I’m always down to try out a new date activity!

Earlier this summer, I had a dinner date. My date, we’ll call him M, picked me up and instead of going to a restaurant, he surprised me with a picnic near the Martin Luther King memorial — and because he gets what I’m about, he even made it fairly healthy. Swoon. So M had stopped at the grocery store, and picked up some grilled chicken, roasted veggies, blue corn chips with guacamole and a fruit salad for dessert, plus red wine. This was probably cheaper than a night out, but because it was thoughtful, and we spent time in nature on a gorgeous evening, it meant so much more.

Instead of the usual (and potentially unhealthy) go-tos like an indulgent dinner, cocktails, pub food or movie theater snacks, what better time to try a new date idea than the glorious beautiful summer months? If you need a little spark in your dating life, check out these thought starters for inspiration:

SHARE A PASSION

Whether it’s something from the list below or just something you are passionate about, it can be great to share that experience with someone. Plus it’s exciting to introduce your partner to your interests. I love food, so a trip to the farmers market can be a great way to get some steps in, support the local economy and gain exposure to new fruits and veggies. Plus, who doesn’t love a free sample?

TRY SOMETHING NEW

When I start dating someone, it’s almost guaranteed there’s going to be a workout class in the lineup by date number 5. It’s a bonding experience, plus he’ll get to see me at my least polished — sweaty, no makeup and gym hair. There’s nowhere to go but up from that very low baseline. Your partner can actually help keep you on track, too. Studies show married couples who work out together are more likely to adhere to a fitness routine.

I should probably mention that if you are just starting to get to know each other, and you choose a skill-based activity, you should do something neither of you have mastered. I’ve selfishly taken a date to my Corepower hot yoga class, with weights (I still have a little guilt thinking about the image of him slipping and sliding across his yoga mat). So whether it’s an indoor rock-climbing lesson, yoga or a spin class, try something that will allow both of you to learn and be vulnerable together.

GET OUT IN NATURE TOGETHER

In addition to the post-workout endorphins, I get pretty pumped when I work out or step out into nature for a hike. Embark on an adventure together: Exploring mama nature can be glorious (just don’t forget to bring sun protection). Plus, studies have shown that hiking can improve mood and give your brain a boost by increasing problem-solving and creativity by 50%. My inner voice literally sings when I’m hiking; I’ve also had some great conversations with my hiking partners out in nature … that’s my happy place.

You might try going for a bike ride together (always wear a helmet!), golfing or a walking in your neighborhood or favorite park. In addition to quality bonding time, simply adding walking to your routine can reap huge benefits. I should warn that if your date is wearing heels, check in and make sure they are game for a post-dinner walk.

READ MORE > 6 REASONS TO SPEND MORE TIME OUTSIDE

TAKE A COOKING CLASS

The saying goes “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” — and the same is true for women! Even if it’s not a super healthy menu, you’ll pick up some new skills in the kitchen. If a class isn’t in the cards (or terrifies you), make a meal kit from a delivery service together. There are tons of healthy meal delivery options, most of which include step-by-step instructions with pictures and everything you need.

TREAT YO-SELF!

Whether you’re coupled up or blissfully single, you can do all of the activities above with a friend or plan a self-care date with your darn self! Splurge for something special at the seafood or meat counter and make a new healthy dish, take a bath and use that nice towel (Am I the only one who saves the really plush towel for guests?), journal about what you are most grateful for and what you love about you. I grew up with a grateful journal (thanks, Mom!) and learned taking the time to reflect and appreciate my blessings was one of the healthiest things I could do for my health and sanity. Plus, research shows journaling for 15–20 minutes, 3–5 days a week can actually improve your physical and mental health. It truly puts things in perspective.

If you find yourself in a new relationship, these tips might help prevent you from gaining that dreaded “new relationship weight” with your partner. On the flip side, a new relationship can give you that confidence boost to make you want to eat healthy, exercise and just engage in healthier habits and who doesn’t want that?

Hopefully these tips give you a healthy boost to your existing and budding relationships. I’d love to hear your thoughts. How are you going to embrace a little romance this summer? Do you have any favorite healthy dates? I’d love any ideas and I think the community would appreciate them, too! If you do find yourself on a standard dinner-and-a-movie date, don’t despair! You can still eat out and find healthy options.

Better Than Ever

We all strive for wellness and to live better! Every month, this column will bring you advice on how to feel and perform Better Than Ever. Check out tips to improve various aspects of your health: Everything from fitness, nutrition, sleep and recovery. Have a topic you want to hear about? Feel free to reach out here (I’ll be checking the comments!) or on Twitter or Instagram. I look forward to hearing from you!

GEAR UP FOR YOUR NEXT HIKE

> Men’s Hiking Gear > Men’s Hiking Boots > Women’s Hiking Gear > Women’s Hiking Boots

The post Get Creative With These 5 Healthy Date Ideas appeared first on Under Armour.

http://ift.tt/2v8ActB

[joshuabradleyn]

Get Creative With These 5 Healthy Date Ideas

Quick, when was your last date?

If you’re like me, it may have coincided with the birth of Daenerys’ dragons…

Whether it’s been awhile since your last date, or even if it hasn’t, summer is here and it’s the perfect time to reinvigorate your love life. Whether you are a man or woman, gay or straight, single or taken (or anything in between) we all need a little love in our lives for our general well-being.

Love can be felt from various personal relationships, but for the purpose of this article, I’m focusing on romantic love. While it can be easy to overlook, love is a huge part of mental and physical health, general well-being and happiness. One study, which examined more than 300,000 participants, found people who lack strong personal relationships increased their risk of premature death from all causes by 50%.

50%!

That’s an effect on mortality risk greater than obesity or physical inactivity and nearly as bad as smoking everyday. Wow.

Though I’m in the “single” category, I’m blessed to have extremely close relationships with friends and family (*wipes sweat from brow) … but in that quest to find my permanent partner in crime, I’m always down to try out a new date activity!

Earlier this summer, I had a dinner date. My date, we’ll call him M, picked me up and instead of going to a restaurant, he surprised me with a picnic near the Martin Luther King memorial — and because he gets what I’m about, he even made it fairly healthy. Swoon. So M had stopped at the grocery store, and picked up some grilled chicken, roasted veggies, blue corn chips with guacamole and a fruit salad for dessert, plus red wine. This was probably cheaper than a night out, but because it was thoughtful, and we spent time in nature on a gorgeous evening, it meant so much more.

Instead of the usual (and potentially unhealthy) go-tos like an indulgent dinner, cocktails, pub food or movie theater snacks, what better time to try a new date idea than the glorious beautiful summer months? If you need a little spark in your dating life, check out these thought starters for inspiration:

SHARE A PASSION

Whether it’s something from the list below or just something you are passionate about, it can be great to share that experience with someone. Plus it’s exciting to introduce your partner to your interests. I love food, so a trip to the farmers market can be a great way to get some steps in, support the local economy and gain exposure to new fruits and veggies. Plus, who doesn’t love a free sample?

TRY SOMETHING NEW

When I start dating someone, it’s almost guaranteed there’s going to be a workout class in the lineup by date number 5. It’s a bonding experience, plus he’ll get to see me at my least polished — sweaty, no makeup and gym hair. There’s nowhere to go but up from that very low baseline. Your partner can actually help keep you on track, too. Studies show married couples who work out together are more likely to adhere to a fitness routine.

I should probably mention that if you are just starting to get to know each other, and you choose a skill-based activity, you should do something neither of you have mastered. I’ve selfishly taken a date to my Corepower hot yoga class, with weights (I still have a little guilt thinking about the image of him slipping and sliding across his yoga mat). So whether it’s an indoor rock-climbing lesson, yoga or a spin class, try something that will allow both of you to learn and be vulnerable together.

GET OUT IN NATURE TOGETHER

In addition to the post-workout endorphins, I get pretty pumped when I work out or step out into nature for a hike. Embark on an adventure together: Exploring mama nature can be glorious (just don’t forget to bring sun protection). Plus, studies have shown that hiking can improve mood and give your brain a boost by increasing problem-solving and creativity by 50%. My inner voice literally sings when I’m hiking; I’ve also had some great conversations with my hiking partners out in nature … that’s my happy place.

You might try going for a bike ride together (always wear a helmet!), golfing or a walking in your neighborhood or favorite park. In addition to quality bonding time, simply adding walking to your routine can reap huge benefits. I should warn that if your date is wearing heels, check in and make sure they are game for a post-dinner walk.

READ MORE > 6 REASONS TO SPEND MORE TIME OUTSIDE

TAKE A COOKING CLASS

The saying goes “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” — and the same is true for women! Even if it’s not a super healthy menu, you’ll pick up some new skills in the kitchen. If a class isn’t in the cards (or terrifies you), make a meal kit from a delivery service together. There are tons of healthy meal delivery options, most of which include step-by-step instructions with pictures and everything you need.

TREAT YO-SELF!

Whether you’re coupled up or blissfully single, you can do all of the activities above with a friend or plan a self-care date with your darn self! Splurge for something special at the seafood or meat counter and make a new healthy dish, take a bath and use that nice towel (Am I the only one who saves the really plush towel for guests?), journal about what you are most grateful for and what you love about you. I grew up with a grateful journal (thanks, Mom!) and learned taking the time to reflect and appreciate my blessings was one of the healthiest things I could do for my health and sanity. Plus, research shows journaling for 15–20 minutes, 3–5 days a week can actually improve your physical and mental health. It truly puts things in perspective.

If you find yourself in a new relationship, these tips might help prevent you from gaining that dreaded “new relationship weight” with your partner. On the flip side, a new relationship can give you that confidence boost to make you want to eat healthy, exercise and just engage in healthier habits and who doesn’t want that?

Hopefully these tips give you a healthy boost to your existing and budding relationships. I’d love to hear your thoughts. How are you going to embrace a little romance this summer? Do you have any favorite healthy dates? I’d love any ideas and I think the community would appreciate them, too! If you do find yourself on a standard dinner-and-a-movie date, don’t despair! You can still eat out and find healthy options.

Better Than Ever

We all strive for wellness and to live better! Every month, this column will bring you advice on how to feel and perform Better Than Ever. Check out tips to improve various aspects of your health: Everything from fitness, nutrition, sleep and recovery. Have a topic you want to hear about? Feel free to reach out here (I’ll be checking the comments!) or on Twitter or Instagram. I look forward to hearing from you!

GEAR UP FOR YOUR NEXT HIKE

> Men’s Hiking Gear > Men’s Hiking Boots > Women’s Hiking Gear > Women’s Hiking Boots

The post Get Creative With These 5 Healthy Date Ideas appeared first on Under Armour.

http://ift.tt/2v8ActB

[albertcaldwellne]

Get Creative With These 5 Healthy Date Ideas

Quick, when was your last date?

If you’re like me, it may have coincided with the birth of Daenerys’ dragons…

Whether it’s been awhile since your last date, or even if it hasn’t, summer is here and it’s the perfect time to reinvigorate your love life. Whether you are a man or woman, gay or straight, single or taken (or anything in between) we all need a little love in our lives for our general well-being.

Love can be felt from various personal relationships, but for the purpose of this article, I’m focusing on romantic love. While it can be easy to overlook, love is a huge part of mental and physical health, general well-being and happiness. One study, which examined more than 300,000 participants, found people who lack strong personal relationships increased their risk of premature death from all causes by 50%.

50%!

That’s an effect on mortality risk greater than obesity or physical inactivity and nearly as bad as smoking everyday. Wow.

Though I’m in the “single” category, I’m blessed to have extremely close relationships with friends and family (*wipes sweat from brow) … but in that quest to find my permanent partner in crime, I’m always down to try out a new date activity!

Earlier this summer, I had a dinner date. My date, we’ll call him M, picked me up and instead of going to a restaurant, he surprised me with a picnic near the Martin Luther King memorial — and because he gets what I’m about, he even made it fairly healthy. Swoon. So M had stopped at the grocery store, and picked up some grilled chicken, roasted veggies, blue corn chips with guacamole and a fruit salad for dessert, plus red wine. This was probably cheaper than a night out, but because it was thoughtful, and we spent time in nature on a gorgeous evening, it meant so much more.

Instead of the usual (and potentially unhealthy) go-tos like an indulgent dinner, cocktails, pub food or movie theater snacks, what better time to try a new date idea than the glorious beautiful summer months? If you need a little spark in your dating life, check out these thought starters for inspiration:

SHARE A PASSION

Whether it’s something from the list below or just something you are passionate about, it can be great to share that experience with someone. Plus it’s exciting to introduce your partner to your interests. I love food, so a trip to the farmers market can be a great way to get some steps in, support the local economy and gain exposure to new fruits and veggies. Plus, who doesn’t love a free sample?

TRY SOMETHING NEW

When I start dating someone, it’s almost guaranteed there’s going to be a workout class in the lineup by date number 5. It’s a bonding experience, plus he’ll get to see me at my least polished — sweaty, no makeup and gym hair. There’s nowhere to go but up from that very low baseline. Your partner can actually help keep you on track, too. Studies show married couples who work out together are more likely to adhere to a fitness routine.

I should probably mention that if you are just starting to get to know each other, and you choose a skill-based activity, you should do something neither of you have mastered. I’ve selfishly taken a date to my Corepower hot yoga class, with weights (I still have a little guilt thinking about the image of him slipping and sliding across his yoga mat). So whether it’s an indoor rock-climbing lesson, yoga or a spin class, try something that will allow both of you to learn and be vulnerable together.

GET OUT IN NATURE TOGETHER

In addition to the post-workout endorphins, I get pretty pumped when I work out or step out into nature for a hike. Embark on an adventure together: Exploring mama nature can be glorious (just don’t forget to bring sun protection). Plus, studies have shown that hiking can improve mood and give your brain a boost by increasing problem-solving and creativity by 50%. My inner voice literally sings when I’m hiking; I’ve also had some great conversations with my hiking partners out in nature … that’s my happy place.

You might try going for a bike ride together (always wear a helmet!), golfing or a walking in your neighborhood or favorite park. In addition to quality bonding time, simply adding walking to your routine can reap huge benefits. I should warn that if your date is wearing heels, check in and make sure they are game for a post-dinner walk.

READ MORE > 6 REASONS TO SPEND MORE TIME OUTSIDE

TAKE A COOKING CLASS

The saying goes “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” — and the same is true for women! Even if it’s not a super healthy menu, you’ll pick up some new skills in the kitchen. If a class isn’t in the cards (or terrifies you), make a meal kit from a delivery service together. There are tons of healthy meal delivery options, most of which include step-by-step instructions with pictures and everything you need.

TREAT YO-SELF!

Whether you’re coupled up or blissfully single, you can do all of the activities above with a friend or plan a self-care date with your darn self! Splurge for something special at the seafood or meat counter and make a new healthy dish, take a bath and use that nice towel (Am I the only one who saves the really plush towel for guests?), journal about what you are most grateful for and what you love about you. I grew up with a grateful journal (thanks, Mom!) and learned taking the time to reflect and appreciate my blessings was one of the healthiest things I could do for my health and sanity. Plus, research shows journaling for 15–20 minutes, 3–5 days a week can actually improve your physical and mental health. It truly puts things in perspective.

If you find yourself in a new relationship, these tips might help prevent you from gaining that dreaded “new relationship weight” with your partner. On the flip side, a new relationship can give you that confidence boost to make you want to eat healthy, exercise and just engage in healthier habits and who doesn’t want that?

Hopefully these tips give you a healthy boost to your existing and budding relationships. I’d love to hear your thoughts. How are you going to embrace a little romance this summer? Do you have any favorite healthy dates? I’d love any ideas and I think the community would appreciate them, too! If you do find yourself on a standard dinner-and-a-movie date, don’t despair! You can still eat out and find healthy options.

Better Than Ever

We all strive for wellness and to live better! Every month, this column will bring you advice on how to feel and perform Better Than Ever. Check out tips to improve various aspects of your health: Everything from fitness, nutrition, sleep and recovery. Have a topic you want to hear about? Feel free to reach out here (I’ll be checking the comments!) or on Twitter or Instagram. I look forward to hearing from you!

GEAR UP FOR YOUR NEXT HIKE

> Men’s Hiking Gear > Men’s Hiking Boots > Women’s Hiking Gear > Women’s Hiking Boots

The post Get Creative With These 5 Healthy Date Ideas appeared first on Under Armour.

http://ift.tt/2v8ActB

[johnclapperne]

Get Creative With These 5 Healthy Date Ideas

Quick, when was your last date?

If you’re like me, it may have coincided with the birth of Daenerys’ dragons…

Whether it’s been awhile since your last date, or even if it hasn’t, summer is here and it’s the perfect time to reinvigorate your love life. Whether you are a man or woman, gay or straight, single or taken (or anything in between) we all need a little love in our lives for our general well-being.

Love can be felt from various personal relationships, but for the purpose of this article, I’m focusing on romantic love. While it can be easy to overlook, love is a huge part of mental and physical health, general well-being and happiness. One study, which examined more than 300,000 participants, found people who lack strong personal relationships increased their risk of premature death from all causes by 50%.

50%!

That’s an effect on mortality risk greater than obesity or physical inactivity and nearly as bad as smoking everyday. Wow.

Though I’m in the “single” category, I’m blessed to have extremely close relationships with friends and family (*wipes sweat from brow) … but in that quest to find my permanent partner in crime, I’m always down to try out a new date activity!

Earlier this summer, I had a dinner date. My date, we’ll call him M, picked me up and instead of going to a restaurant, he surprised me with a picnic near the Martin Luther King memorial — and because he gets what I’m about, he even made it fairly healthy. Swoon. So M had stopped at the grocery store, and picked up some grilled chicken, roasted veggies, blue corn chips with guacamole and a fruit salad for dessert, plus red wine. This was probably cheaper than a night out, but because it was thoughtful, and we spent time in nature on a gorgeous evening, it meant so much more.

Instead of the usual (and potentially unhealthy) go-tos like an indulgent dinner, cocktails, pub food or movie theater snacks, what better time to try a new date idea than the glorious beautiful summer months? If you need a little spark in your dating life, check out these thought starters for inspiration:

SHARE A PASSION

Whether it’s something from the list below or just something you are passionate about, it can be great to share that experience with someone. Plus it’s exciting to introduce your partner to your interests. I love food, so a trip to the farmers market can be a great way to get some steps in, support the local economy and gain exposure to new fruits and veggies. Plus, who doesn’t love a free sample?

TRY SOMETHING NEW

When I start dating someone, it’s almost guaranteed there’s going to be a workout class in the lineup by date number 5. It’s a bonding experience, plus he’ll get to see me at my least polished — sweaty, no makeup and gym hair. There’s nowhere to go but up from that very low baseline. Your partner can actually help keep you on track, too. Studies show married couples who work out together are more likely to adhere to a fitness routine.

I should probably mention that if you are just starting to get to know each other, and you choose a skill-based activity, you should do something neither of you have mastered. I’ve selfishly taken a date to my Corepower hot yoga class, with weights (I still have a little guilt thinking about the image of him slipping and sliding across his yoga mat). So whether it’s an indoor rock-climbing lesson, yoga or a spin class, try something that will allow both of you to learn and be vulnerable together.

GET OUT IN NATURE TOGETHER

In addition to the post-workout endorphins, I get pretty pumped when I work out or step out into nature for a hike. Embark on an adventure together: Exploring mama nature can be glorious (just don’t forget to bring sun protection). Plus, studies have shown that hiking can improve mood and give your brain a boost by increasing problem-solving and creativity by 50%. My inner voice literally sings when I’m hiking; I’ve also had some great conversations with my hiking partners out in nature … that’s my happy place.

You might try going for a bike ride together (always wear a helmet!), golfing or a walking in your neighborhood or favorite park. In addition to quality bonding time, simply adding walking to your routine can reap huge benefits. I should warn that if your date is wearing heels, check in and make sure they are game for a post-dinner walk.

READ MORE > 6 REASONS TO SPEND MORE TIME OUTSIDE

TAKE A COOKING CLASS

The saying goes “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” — and the same is true for women! Even if it’s not a super healthy menu, you’ll pick up some new skills in the kitchen. If a class isn’t in the cards (or terrifies you), make a meal kit from a delivery service together. There are tons of healthy meal delivery options, most of which include step-by-step instructions with pictures and everything you need.

TREAT YO-SELF!

Whether you’re coupled up or blissfully single, you can do all of the activities above with a friend or plan a self-care date with your darn self! Splurge for something special at the seafood or meat counter and make a new healthy dish, take a bath and use that nice towel (Am I the only one who saves the really plush towel for guests?), journal about what you are most grateful for and what you love about you. I grew up with a grateful journal (thanks, Mom!) and learned taking the time to reflect and appreciate my blessings was one of the healthiest things I could do for my health and sanity. Plus, research shows journaling for 15–20 minutes, 3–5 days a week can actually improve your physical and mental health. It truly puts things in perspective.

If you find yourself in a new relationship, these tips might help prevent you from gaining that dreaded “new relationship weight” with your partner. On the flip side, a new relationship can give you that confidence boost to make you want to eat healthy, exercise and just engage in healthier habits and who doesn’t want that?

Hopefully these tips give you a healthy boost to your existing and budding relationships. I’d love to hear your thoughts. How are you going to embrace a little romance this summer? Do you have any favorite healthy dates? I’d love any ideas and I think the community would appreciate them, too! If you do find yourself on a standard dinner-and-a-movie date, don’t despair! You can still eat out and find healthy options.

Better Than Ever

We all strive for wellness and to live better! Every month, this column will bring you advice on how to feel and perform Better Than Ever. Check out tips to improve various aspects of your health: Everything from fitness, nutrition, sleep and recovery. Have a topic you want to hear about? Feel free to reach out here (I’ll be checking the comments!) or on Twitter or Instagram. I look forward to hearing from you!

GEAR UP FOR YOUR NEXT HIKE

> Men’s Hiking Gear > Men’s Hiking Boots > Women’s Hiking Gear > Women’s Hiking Boots

The post Get Creative With These 5 Healthy Date Ideas appeared first on Under Armour.

http://ift.tt/2v8ActB

[ruthellisneda]

Get Creative With These 5 Healthy Date Ideas

Quick, when was your last date?

If you’re like me, it may have coincided with the birth of Daenerys’ dragons…

Whether it’s been awhile since your last date, or even if it hasn’t, summer is here and it’s the perfect time to reinvigorate your love life. Whether you are a man or woman, gay or straight, single or taken (or anything in between) we all need a little love in our lives for our general well-being.

Love can be felt from various personal relationships, but for the purpose of this article, I’m focusing on romantic love. While it can be easy to overlook, love is a huge part of mental and physical health, general well-being and happiness. One study, which examined more than 300,000 participants, found people who lack strong personal relationships increased their risk of premature death from all causes by 50%.

50%!

That’s an effect on mortality risk greater than obesity or physical inactivity and nearly as bad as smoking everyday. Wow.

Though I’m in the “single” category, I’m blessed to have extremely close relationships with friends and family (*wipes sweat from brow) … but in that quest to find my permanent partner in crime, I’m always down to try out a new date activity!

Earlier this summer, I had a dinner date. My date, we’ll call him M, picked me up and instead of going to a restaurant, he surprised me with a picnic near the Martin Luther King memorial — and because he gets what I’m about, he even made it fairly healthy. Swoon. So M had stopped at the grocery store, and picked up some grilled chicken, roasted veggies, blue corn chips with guacamole and a fruit salad for dessert, plus red wine. This was probably cheaper than a night out, but because it was thoughtful, and we spent time in nature on a gorgeous evening, it meant so much more.

Instead of the usual (and potentially unhealthy) go-tos like an indulgent dinner, cocktails, pub food or movie theater snacks, what better time to try a new date idea than the glorious beautiful summer months? If you need a little spark in your dating life, check out these thought starters for inspiration:

SHARE A PASSION

Whether it’s something from the list below or just something you are passionate about, it can be great to share that experience with someone. Plus it’s exciting to introduce your partner to your interests. I love food, so a trip to the farmers market can be a great way to get some steps in, support the local economy and gain exposure to new fruits and veggies. Plus, who doesn’t love a free sample?

TRY SOMETHING NEW

When I start dating someone, it’s almost guaranteed there’s going to be a workout class in the lineup by date number 5. It’s a bonding experience, plus he’ll get to see me at my least polished — sweaty, no makeup and gym hair. There’s nowhere to go but up from that very low baseline. Your partner can actually help keep you on track, too. Studies show married couples who work out together are more likely to adhere to a fitness routine.

I should probably mention that if you are just starting to get to know each other, and you choose a skill-based activity, you should do something neither of you have mastered. I’ve selfishly taken a date to my Corepower hot yoga class, with weights (I still have a little guilt thinking about the image of him slipping and sliding across his yoga mat). So whether it’s an indoor rock-climbing lesson, yoga or a spin class, try something that will allow both of you to learn and be vulnerable together.

GET OUT IN NATURE TOGETHER

In addition to the post-workout endorphins, I get pretty pumped when I work out or step out into nature for a hike. Embark on an adventure together: Exploring mama nature can be glorious (just don’t forget to bring sun protection). Plus, studies have shown that hiking can improve mood and give your brain a boost by increasing problem-solving and creativity by 50%. My inner voice literally sings when I’m hiking; I’ve also had some great conversations with my hiking partners out in nature … that’s my happy place.

You might try going for a bike ride together (always wear a helmet!), golfing or a walking in your neighborhood or favorite park. In addition to quality bonding time, simply adding walking to your routine can reap huge benefits. I should warn that if your date is wearing heels, check in and make sure they are game for a post-dinner walk.

READ MORE > 6 REASONS TO SPEND MORE TIME OUTSIDE

TAKE A COOKING CLASS

The saying goes “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” — and the same is true for women! Even if it’s not a super healthy menu, you’ll pick up some new skills in the kitchen. If a class isn’t in the cards (or terrifies you), make a meal kit from a delivery service together. There are tons of healthy meal delivery options, most of which include step-by-step instructions with pictures and everything you need.

TREAT YO-SELF!

Whether you’re coupled up or blissfully single, you can do all of the activities above with a friend or plan a self-care date with your darn self! Splurge for something special at the seafood or meat counter and make a new healthy dish, take a bath and use that nice towel (Am I the only one who saves the really plush towel for guests?), journal about what you are most grateful for and what you love about you. I grew up with a grateful journal (thanks, Mom!) and learned taking the time to reflect and appreciate my blessings was one of the healthiest things I could do for my health and sanity. Plus, research shows journaling for 15–20 minutes, 3–5 days a week can actually improve your physical and mental health. It truly puts things in perspective.

If you find yourself in a new relationship, these tips might help prevent you from gaining that dreaded “new relationship weight” with your partner. On the flip side, a new relationship can give you that confidence boost to make you want to eat healthy, exercise and just engage in healthier habits and who doesn’t want that?

Hopefully these tips give you a healthy boost to your existing and budding relationships. I’d love to hear your thoughts. How are you going to embrace a little romance this summer? Do you have any favorite healthy dates? I’d love any ideas and I think the community would appreciate them, too! If you do find yourself on a standard dinner-and-a-movie date, don’t despair! You can still eat out and find healthy options.

Better Than Ever

We all strive for wellness and to live better! Every month, this column will bring you advice on how to feel and perform Better Than Ever. Check out tips to improve various aspects of your health: Everything from fitness, nutrition, sleep and recovery. Have a topic you want to hear about? Feel free to reach out here (I’ll be checking the comments!) or on Twitter or Instagram. I look forward to hearing from you!

GEAR UP FOR YOUR NEXT HIKE

> Men’s Hiking Gear > Men’s Hiking Boots > Women’s Hiking Gear > Women’s Hiking Boots

The post Get Creative With These 5 Healthy Date Ideas appeared first on Under Armour.

http://ift.tt/2v8ActB

[almajonesnjna]

Get Creative With These 5 Healthy Date Ideas

Quick, when was your last date?

If you’re like me, it may have coincided with the birth of Daenerys’ dragons…

Whether it’s been awhile since your last date, or even if it hasn’t, summer is here and it’s the perfect time to reinvigorate your love life. Whether you are a man or woman, gay or straight, single or taken (or anything in between) we all need a little love in our lives for our general well-being.

Love can be felt from various personal relationships, but for the purpose of this article, I’m focusing on romantic love. While it can be easy to overlook, love is a huge part of mental and physical health, general well-being and happiness. One study, which examined more than 300,000 participants, found people who lack strong personal relationships increased their risk of premature death from all causes by 50%.

50%!

That’s an effect on mortality risk greater than obesity or physical inactivity and nearly as bad as smoking everyday. Wow.

Though I’m in the “single” category, I’m blessed to have extremely close relationships with friends and family (*wipes sweat from brow) … but in that quest to find my permanent partner in crime, I’m always down to try out a new date activity!

Earlier this summer, I had a dinner date. My date, we’ll call him M, picked me up and instead of going to a restaurant, he surprised me with a picnic near the Martin Luther King memorial — and because he gets what I’m about, he even made it fairly healthy. Swoon. So M had stopped at the grocery store, and picked up some grilled chicken, roasted veggies, blue corn chips with guacamole and a fruit salad for dessert, plus red wine. This was probably cheaper than a night out, but because it was thoughtful, and we spent time in nature on a gorgeous evening, it meant so much more.

Instead of the usual (and potentially unhealthy) go-tos like an indulgent dinner, cocktails, pub food or movie theater snacks, what better time to try a new date idea than the glorious beautiful summer months? If you need a little spark in your dating life, check out these thought starters for inspiration:

SHARE A PASSION

Whether it’s something from the list below or just something you are passionate about, it can be great to share that experience with someone. Plus it’s exciting to introduce your partner to your interests. I love food, so a trip to the farmers market can be a great way to get some steps in, support the local economy and gain exposure to new fruits and veggies. Plus, who doesn’t love a free sample?

TRY SOMETHING NEW

When I start dating someone, it’s almost guaranteed there’s going to be a workout class in the lineup by date number 5. It’s a bonding experience, plus he’ll get to see me at my least polished — sweaty, no makeup and gym hair. There’s nowhere to go but up from that very low baseline. Your partner can actually help keep you on track, too. Studies show married couples who work out together are more likely to adhere to a fitness routine.

I should probably mention that if you are just starting to get to know each other, and you choose a skill-based activity, you should do something neither of you have mastered. I’ve selfishly taken a date to my Corepower hot yoga class, with weights (I still have a little guilt thinking about the image of him slipping and sliding across his yoga mat). So whether it’s an indoor rock-climbing lesson, yoga or a spin class, try something that will allow both of you to learn and be vulnerable together.

GET OUT IN NATURE TOGETHER

In addition to the post-workout endorphins, I get pretty pumped when I work out or step out into nature for a hike. Embark on an adventure together: Exploring mama nature can be glorious (just don’t forget to bring sun protection). Plus, studies have shown that hiking can improve mood and give your brain a boost by increasing problem-solving and creativity by 50%. My inner voice literally sings when I’m hiking; I’ve also had some great conversations with my hiking partners out in nature … that’s my happy place.

You might try going for a bike ride together (always wear a helmet!), golfing or a walking in your neighborhood or favorite park. In addition to quality bonding time, simply adding walking to your routine can reap huge benefits. I should warn that if your date is wearing heels, check in and make sure they are game for a post-dinner walk.

READ MORE > 6 REASONS TO SPEND MORE TIME OUTSIDE

TAKE A COOKING CLASS

The saying goes “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” — and the same is true for women! Even if it’s not a super healthy menu, you’ll pick up some new skills in the kitchen. If a class isn’t in the cards (or terrifies you), make a meal kit from a delivery service together. There are tons of healthy meal delivery options, most of which include step-by-step instructions with pictures and everything you need.

TREAT YO-SELF!

Whether you’re coupled up or blissfully single, you can do all of the activities above with a friend or plan a self-care date with your darn self! Splurge for something special at the seafood or meat counter and make a new healthy dish, take a bath and use that nice towel (Am I the only one who saves the really plush towel for guests?), journal about what you are most grateful for and what you love about you. I grew up with a grateful journal (thanks, Mom!) and learned taking the time to reflect and appreciate my blessings was one of the healthiest things I could do for my health and sanity. Plus, research shows journaling for 15–20 minutes, 3–5 days a week can actually improve your physical and mental health. It truly puts things in perspective.

If you find yourself in a new relationship, these tips might help prevent you from gaining that dreaded “new relationship weight” with your partner. On the flip side, a new relationship can give you that confidence boost to make you want to eat healthy, exercise and just engage in healthier habits and who doesn’t want that?

Hopefully these tips give you a healthy boost to your existing and budding relationships. I’d love to hear your thoughts. How are you going to embrace a little romance this summer? Do you have any favorite healthy dates? I’d love any ideas and I think the community would appreciate them, too! If you do find yourself on a standard dinner-and-a-movie date, don’t despair! You can still eat out and find healthy options.

Better Than Ever

We all strive for wellness and to live better! Every month, this column will bring you advice on how to feel and perform Better Than Ever. Check out tips to improve various aspects of your health: Everything from fitness, nutrition, sleep and recovery. Have a topic you want to hear about? Feel free to reach out here (I’ll be checking the comments!) or on Twitter or Instagram. I look forward to hearing from you!

GEAR UP FOR YOUR NEXT HIKE

> Men’s Hiking Gear > Men’s Hiking Boots > Women’s Hiking Gear > Women’s Hiking Boots

The post Get Creative With These 5 Healthy Date Ideas appeared first on Under Armour.

http://ift.tt/2v8ActB