#I know I know. you can never go back. you shouldn't romanticize the past. it wasn't that great.

[musical-chick-13]

23-year-old me wasn't happy, but I miss her.

[xoxoavenger]

So Scarlet (It Was Maroon)

pairing: Luke Castellan x Fem!Reader

summary: Y/N likes to romanticize her relationship with Luke, much to the anger of everyone around her. Percy wants to remind her of the rose colored glasses, he just doesn't know how.

word count: 3076

warnings: some angst

part 1 part 3

birthday celebration main masterlist

Y/N may be going crazy.

At least, that's what everyone thinks is going on. But they would never say that to her face. Not because they're scared of her, but they are scared of what Percy will do will if he caught them. For some reason, Percy had adopted her as his older sister and even though Luke had tried to kill him, he felt bad for Y/N. He had watched as Luke brought the sword down on her head, watched Y/N's heart break as she poured herself out to him. He knew she must be in pain, must be hurting. The wound was still fresh, having only taken place a couple weeks ago. 

But she was driving him insane with all her memories, and he was going to explode soon.

She didn't always say it out loud, didn't always reminisce with everyone, but they all knew what was going on. Today she had decided to tell them, since it was just him and two of her siblings in the stables, and Percy has been reminding himself all day that not only is Y/N a woman but also a counselor, so if he punches her he'll just cause more problems. Oh, and she's in pain already, another good reason not to punch her. 

"One time," Y/N starts, and Percy has to clench his teeth to keep the sigh back. He'll punch anyone else who sighs, though. They're in the stables, cleaning up with Silena and her other sister Allegra. "Luke and I snuck out to the stables and spent the night here." She's smiling as she says it, and Percy steals a look over at Silena. She's pursing her mouth and raking, so Percy decides he shouldn't say anything either.

"Don't you have hay fever?" Allegra tries to remind her, but it's like Y/N can't hear her. It's probably for the better, to just let her finish this story and they can all get on with their lives.

"The cleaning harpies don't come in here, so they didn't bug us, and none of the campers wanted to come out here either that late. It was one of those nights when the Northern Lights were visible - that's only happened once in all the time that we've been at camp." Y/N is still working on cleaning, and Percy wants to rake his eyes out.

"Did you freeze your ass off?" He snarks, not able to keep his mouth shut. She turns to him, snapping her head. He feels bad, but he could not stand her talking about Luke any longer.

"It was last September at Camp Half-Blood. The weather was great." She snarks, but she's clearly gotten the memo to shut the fuck up about Luke. Percy freezes, because he thought this was recently.

"Last summer?" He mutters, pausing his work. He and Annabeth were the only two that knew Y/N and Luke weren't actually dating; they weren't sworn to secrecy but they both knew it would be better if no one else found out. But according to Annabeth, they had only been dating a couple months when Percy showed up, so why was she talking about something that happened before they were dating.

"You spent the night with him before this summer?" Silena has also paused her work, but Y/N doesn't look at any of them, just keeps working.

"Spent the night? What are you talking about?" Percy feels so lost and he hates that feeling.

"You didn't hear?" Allegra asks, and now she's not working either. "For the past month, Luke was sneaking into the cabin to sleep with Y/N."

"Yeah, and she hasn't slept since." Y/N throws her rake down, stomping out of the stables, clearly angry. The other three watch as she leaves, her hand coming up to wipe her tears.

"Maybe because she has a head injury from the bottom of Backbiter." Percy snaps, going back to his work.

"Thank God we don't have to worry about Luke sneaking in anymore." Allegra mutters, and Percy tries to take a deep breath because he's not Y/N's sibling and he just made fun of her.

"She's not sleeping, so it's not a great solution anyway." Percy settles on, ignoring Silena's side eye.

~

"What do you think will happen after Camp?" Luke muttered into her hair. They're laying on a blanket on the beach, Luke's arm around her shoulders so she had a nice pillow for her head. She was holding his hand, rubbing her thumb up and down his skin.

"After camp?" She mutters, the setting sun and the warmth from summer making her tired. She ships to lay more against his chest, letting go of his hand as he moves it down to her waist.

"Yeah. We have to leave eventually." Luke tells her, rubbing his fingers up and down her arm. She throws her own over him, lazily rubbing circles around his clothed ribs. This is supposed to be for show, but she's not sure who's looking.

"I don't like thinking about that." Y/N sighs, frowning. She doesn't know what to do without Camp; sure, she's done schoolwork, she knows more than most high schoolers do, all thanks to Chiron's rigorous classes. Because there weren't many people during the school year, they would trade off days of actual teaching and free days of homework. She really didn't want to go to college or get an actual job.

"We have to leave at some point." Luke tells her, and she shutters.

"Can we talk about something else?" She asks, opening her eyes into the sun and looking into him.

"Sure." He can tell it's agitating her, so he shuffles a little and closes his eyes as looks up at the sky. "What's your favorite flower?"

"Lavender roses." She answers quickly. She waits for a second, knowing Luke will ask another question. "You don't remember the rose class I taught you?" She smirks. A couple weeks ago while they had overseen arts and crafts she had been painting roses. Luke hadn't even known there was different colored roses, and being the daughter of Aphrodite she had taught him all about each meaning.

"Red is love," He names off, and she nods against him. "Yellow is friendship. White is innocence." He pauses, and she knows that he has just named off the easy ones that he knows.

"Alright, so purple is different than lavender, remember that? Purple is still pretty, it's passion and infatuation. But lavender is unique love." She's smiling at the thought of someone giving her these roses, of Luke giving her these roses.

"Unique love." Luke repeats, nodding his head. "I'll remember that." He tells her, but she shakes her head.

"You will? Because I already told you once and you didn't remember." She giggles. He shakes her, moving so both his arms around her now. She shifts to be more comfortable, and she's sure she could fall asleep.

"No, I'll remember this time." He kisses her head, and she once again wonders if there's someone around or if he's doing this for her.

She wonders if there will ever be a day when she doesn't have to ask that question.

She wakes up, in the middle of a deep breath. Her heart is racing, and she has to remind herself with a reach of her hand that Luke left. He's gone now, and he's not coming back. He clearly didn't want to take her with him, and if she would have even gone is another question she doesn't know the answer to.

She gets up and puts on a sweatshirt, a camp one that's Luke's but no one will know it's Luke's. She takes a deep breath, trying not to cry over the fact that the sweatshirt is starting to lose his scent. It's the last thing she has of his, not wanting to take anything from his siblings and cause a scene. She's just lucky Annabeth and Percy didn't tell anyone that it was all fake.

Her mother hasn't been back to visit, and she's not sure if it's a good or bad thing. She doesn't want to talk to the goddess, knowing that all the conversation will accomplish was Y/N's embarrassment and making her even more upset than she already was. What was the point of talking to her mom when she knew that something was going on with Luke? She had to know that they lied, had to know that it was fake.

Yeah, it was probably good her mom hadn't come to visit.

She was wearing nice slippers, so she didn't walk to the beach. Instead she walked to the fields where the flowers grew. It was cool, not cold and not as dewy as a normal morning but still wet. She stood in the field a slight breeze making her shiver slightly.

"What are you doing?"

She turned quickly, heart beating fast. Her mother was standing in the field, somehow glowing even though the sun hadn't risen. Y/N didn't know what time it was, but the sky was still dark, so she knew it was early.

"Do not disrespect me right now, Y/N." Her mother snaps, and Y/N's eyes widen. She hasn't even said anything and her mother is already mad at her. "What are you doing out here?"

"I couldn't sleep." She answers. Aphrodite makes a face, and Y/N doesn't know what she said wrong but clearly she said something wrong.

"If this is about the son of Hermes," Her mother turns her head, as if in disgust, and Y/N sighs.

"I thought you liked tragic love stories." She says it without thinking, as if her mom were a normal person. As if her mom weren't a goddess.

"This wasn't a love story at all!" Aphrodite yells, and Y/N shrinks back. She looks away, trying to keep the quick rising tears back.

"It was to me." She whispers. She can't help it; everyone seems to forget that she was in love with Luke, that he broke her heart and she can't just snap back from that. Her mother's words cut deeper than a knife, slicing her heart open.

"What?" Her mom asks, not expecting this much talkback. No one says these things to gods, even if the gods are their parents. Especially to Aphrodite. Her children generally praise her.

"I was in love!" She screams, not caring if she wakes everyone up. Her mother started this, and she will finish it. It's all her mom's fault anyway; if she hadn't had the stupid rule for her children, none of this would have happened. "It was a love story because I was in love. It doesn't matter what it started out as or that it ended with my heart broken instead of his. I'm sorry I let you down. Is that what you want to hear?" She's breathing heavily, staring at her mom. Aphrodite might as well be a statue with how frozen she is, and Y/N thinks her own mother is going to kill her right now.

It might just be worth it to have gotten that off her chest.

"Who do you think you are?" Aphrodite whispers lowly, moving closer to Y/N. She tries not to shrink back, but it's hard. She's not afraid, but for a moment she thinks of Luke. The thought of never seeing him again, not having the chance if she dies right here. She closes her eyes, but everything goes still. After a moment, she opens them to see her mom looking down at her with concern and some unreadable emotion. "Why did you lie to me?" Her mom surprises her with that question.

"I didn't think someone could fall in love with me in four months." She says quietly, looking down at the ground. She pulls the sleeves of Luke's sweatshirt over her hands. "And the thought of breaking some innocent guy's heart? I mean, it's a little outdated, Mom." She tries to joke, but Aphrodite just stares.

"He was in love with you." The goddess says, causing Y/N to shake her head. "Really, you're gonna go against me? Your mother, a goddess?" Y/N gives a small smile.

"He left." She says, voice cracking with emotion. She shakes her head again, wiping her face. She doesn't know when the tears fell, but her face is wet. "I should get back to my cabin. Thanks for," Y/N doesn't know why Aphrodite came to Camp Half-Blood, why she visited in person, and she honestly isn't sure she appreciates it. But she walks past her mom, leaving the goddess behind her in the field.

"Don't give up hope yet." Y/N's not sure what her mom means by that, but she doesn't turn around, knowing her mom is going to turn into her true form to leave. The gold light washes over her, and all she can think about is if her mom meant on Luke or on love.

~

"My mom visited me this morning." Y/N says to Percy as they get their food. Traditionally, campers were supposed to get their meals and eat at specific tables with their cabin members only, but Percy didn't have any and Y/N was lonely, so she had got Mr. D to allow them to eat together. Chiron wasn't thrilled when he found out, being a stickler for the rules, but they all knew he wouldn't police where they ate. They settled for a couple stares across the pavilion every day during meals.

"In person?" Percy asks, grabbing a premade sandwich from the tray. Y/N had told him all about her mother's visits when they had first gotten close, so Percy knew how rare and scary an in person visit was.

"Yeah. I don't know why she came, but I got the feeling I had embarrassed her with Luke." Percy bit back a groan. He hated talking about Luke, but it seemed to be Y/N's favorite thing. He felt bad enough that he couldn't tell her to shut up (yet), but it was getting on his nerves.

"What'd she say?" Percy asks as they head to their table, the only completely empty one beside the Zeus table.

"She told me it wasn't a love story, so I yelled at her. I mean, who does she think she is?" She complains, setting her food down across from him. He feels his heart rate spike as he struggles to reign himself in.

"Do you think maybe she was trying to protect you?" He asks, not even able to take a bite of his food yet. He's not sure why he's trying to get Y/N to see the error in her thinking, when she seems to just get more delusional as time goes on.

"From what?" Y/N scoffs, tensing. Percy can tell this is going to be a fight.

"Luke," He says, as if it's obvious. Y/N squints and shakes her head.

"Why would she need to protect me from Luke?" She asks, leaning back. "I mean, when we were dating, he-"

"It wasn't real!" Percy screams, getting everyone's attention. He didn't want to do this here, but he can't take it anymore. It's like she's somehow convinced herself that their relationship was perfect. She's made Luke into a different person in her mind. Or maybe Percy just thinks he's a villain because he tried to kill him and is trying to overthrow the gods, but that's more solid reasoning in his mind than Y/N's.

"You don't know what you're talking about." Y/N warns lowly, not wanting a scene. Her cheeks are flush, because there's no way no one is going to know after this. Everyone will know.

"I was there, Y/N. He tried to kill me. He tried to kill you!" He argues, and watches as Y/N takes a deep breath. He had watched Luke grab her, watched him hit her with the bottom of his sword and let her fall to the ground. He had stood there in fear as Luke stepped over her lifeless body. That isn't love; it can't be love. He has to get it into her head, but he doesn't think even this will.

"I was there too, Percy. And my mom told me that his heart was broken. I'll believe the feelings more than I believe a couple words from a broken heart." She gets up, leaving her plate untouched, and walks out of the pavilion. Percy watches her, along with every single other camper who has stopped what they're doing to watch the fight ensue. He looks over to Annabeth, who is looking at him with a frown. He hangs his head, knowing he messed up.

Percy takes a deep breath and gets up to go find Y/N and apologize, but Annabeth is suddenly at his side, hand on his shoulder.

"Let her have some time. That was a lot. I'm sure she'd like to be alone." She says it with a smile, but Percy knows it's his fault and he knows Annabeth blames him too.

"I'm sorry." He mutters, putting his head into his hands.

"I know you are." She tells him, sitting on the bench but not removing her hand. "But she needs time. It was a lot to process." And her mom probably didn't help either, Percy thought, but he didn't want to tell Annabeth about it. He couldn't betray Y/N like that.

"Hopefully she'll be okay." Percy sighs, watching Y/N disappear into the woods.

"She will." Annabeth squeezes his shoulder and then moves to her own table, leaving him alone.

He wishes he had more patience, but he was not known for his patience. It would be fine. He'd apologize when Y/N came back, and he'd have a conversation about not bringing Luke up at every moment.

It would be fine.

Meanwhile, Y/N was stomping through the woods. She knew she was annoying, that everyone was tired of her talking about Luke, but she never expected Percy of all people to get angry with her. She definitely didn't expect him to call her out in front of all the campers.

She was deep in her thoughts when she heard a crack in front of her. Her heart dropped, because even in the middle of the day she was still scared. She had been looking down when she was walking, angry and making sure she wasn't going to trip or step on anything.

When she looks up he's there, holding lavender carnations. Everything stops, her stomach dropping and heart in her throat. She doesn't want to believe her eyes, but then he steps forward.

"They didn't have any roses."

//

tags: @avada-kedavra-bitch-187  @one-sweet-gubler (also thanks to the comments from @jadahxx and @commanderfreethatdust who commented on the last fic asking for a part 2 sorry its angst <3)

[acourtofthought]

"Such a romantic scene, right? Az lending Elain TT because he didn't want to upset Mor by taking it into battle with him? It's ridiculous how you romanticize that scene while completely ignoring how we got there." Umm.... what? Not the same anon but I'm confused by this👆🏻. I ship elriel AND elucien bcuz I'm an Elain girl first and foremost. So I'm happy with either or both. But I think you're the one who's ignoring the author's narrative. Sjm made a point of describing how everyone present were shocked/surprised that Azriel gave Elain the truth-teller and it had nothing to do with Mor. Sjm made sure that readers know that it's an important scene.

I suggest you read this post

Sarah wants you paying attention to to what's happening in between, the little crumbs when you think she's just getting wordy because that's where you'll find the true intentions

Characters saying "oh look! Az never gave TT to anyone!" is in your face. The subtle point, the crumb, is that he only gave it to Elain because Mor begged Az, tears in her eyes to sit out of battle . Where he was fully prepared to disobey Rhys.... But listened for Mor. Meaning he would have taken TT into battle had his true love not convinced him to stay behind.

So no, you are the one ignoring what happened. Just like you're ignoring how Az refused to give Elain a quick lesson when she expressed concern on not knowing how to use it.

Az was literally like "it's foolproof so take this" and Elain said "I don't know how to use it" and Az.... Said nothing.

Just how you're ignoring how SJM said Elain returned it and walked away without looking back. Meaning regardless of what happened between them, it actually didn't mean much at all in terms of their future together because that moment is in Elain's past and she chose to not look back.

You're distracted by the pretty flashy, sparkly scene, the characters getting all big eyed because Az lent it out while ignoring WHY he was able to lend it out and how he gave Elain zero tips on dagger handling. He's a warrior who offered to train Feyre how to fly yet left Elain defenseless on what to actually do with TT. You're completely missing what the author is trying to tell you in the wordy details, the red flags of this scene because you're too busy mooning over how cute you think it is that Az gave it to her.

And you're forgetting that Elain honestly didn't seem to give a damn that he gave it to her in the first place.

You claim to care about Elain while you seem more fixated on what Az does than what she does.

She returned TT then walked away without looking back.

She returned his necklace and had no further interactions, didn't seem to be all that upset in the months following.

She vocalized how she's not a child to be fought over then Az turns around boasting he'd defeat Lucien in a duel to the death.

She said they don't get to tell her what she can or can't do yet Az, behind her back, says she shouldn't be exposed to the darkness of the Trove though believes Nesta can and Amren has to reprimand him.

Where Elain said she would try to reacquaint herself with her powers yet Az never offered to help her.

Where Az avoided Elain during her time of need because he wanted to go to the CON or couldn't stand her bond that as we're told, will always be a bond.

You are not an Elain girl first and foremost when all you care about is having Az get what he claims to want when it's clear he's got zero respect for Elain when it actually matters. Where he refuses to treat her as an equal.

[yalocalfanficaddict]

TW; heres a prompt. Bokugo is having SH problems, and kiri catches him in the act. Then kiri ends up comforting bokugo and trying to help him get SH clean.

A little bit of angst for ya. ✨

Are you the same as the last Annon? I only ask because you spell Bakugou's name the same as the last Annon, haha! I don't have any ill-intent when I say that, only curious! Thank you for the angsty prompt, I hope I do it justice!! HOWEVER, THIS IS A SERIOUS ISSUE THAT I DO NOT WISH TO ROMANTICIZE!!! THIS WILL HAVE SH, HINTS OF ED ALONG WITH DISSOCIATION AND BLOOD!! PLEASE SKIP PAST IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE READING!!

Words: 4566

Katsuki knows he shouldn't do it. He actually hates it. He hates how the idea plagues his mind, disrupting his thoughts. He hates how his fingers twitch in consideration and temptation, succumbing to his mind and not following his body's request. He hates the feeling of satisfaction when he knows no regular person should. He hates the anxiety that chokes him when he changes in and out of his gym clothes. He hates it all.

Every. Single. Bit.

But he can't stop, no matter how hard he tries. He always finds himself locked in his private half-bathroom at least once a week, falling back onto his worst coping mechanism.

This time, Katsuki paces around his room, doing everything he can to break the cycle. Katsuki digs his fingers through his hair, a frustrated noise tickling the back of his throat. "God damn it. Why is this so hard? I'm going to be the next number-one hero for fucks sake!"

Slamming the side of his fist against his desk, Katsuki grits his teeth. Knowing he would cave by the end of today, he burns holes through his glare at the drawer. I won't open it, he tells himself.

The ache in his chest claws at him, yearning for it.

I won't open it.

The thoughts in his mind hound him, desperate for it.

I won't open it.

The shivers breathing against his neck and shoulders anticipate it.

I won't open it.

Shaking his head, his face skews. Katsuki squeezes his eyes shut and backs away with a sharp sigh. He's better than this, and he knows it. There's no need for him to harm himself. He's perfectly capable of doing other things, but the idle scratching and picking at his left arm begs to differ.

Knowing there's no way for him to stop, Katsuki caves. Jerking the desk drawer open, he grabs what he needs before slamming it shut. Katsuki huffs as he perches on the edge of his bed, twisting his pocket knife open. I might as well do it where it's not visible instead of picking my fucking arm raw.

The cool steel glints in the evening light, casting a silver glow onto his complexion. He sighs, hiking up his shorts and peeling his boxer briefs back. Red lines trace along his flesh, jumping out at him from the stark comparison of his skin tone. Most have healed and are a soft pink, but the rest that scatter throughout his thighs are either faded white scars or dark red scabs.

Gnawing on the dead skin along his lips and the inside of his cheek, Katsuki alines the blade. Ten marks per leg. That's the limit he set himself if he ever wants to stop this. He hopes to limit himself to nine by next week, but that might not be possible.

An awfully too familiar sensation sneaks upon him. It's almost like his mind detaches from his body. The focus in his eyes slips into a haze-like stare, like sheer curtains drawing over them. His fingers and wrists work in mechanic order, never faulting or hesitating. The blade works along his thighs and hips like a bow drawing on the delicate strings of a cello.

How deep can he go before drawing too much blood? Katsuki has drawn blood several times after he worked up the courage to go further than only leaving red marks behind. How deep can he go before it's too late? Katsuki knows there's a crucial artery buried deep beneath his skin, but he's never reached it. How deep can he go before someone finds out? Katsuki has all but laughed a handful of times when not even Deku could figure out his strange new behavior.

Warm red leaks onto his free thumb, and Katsuki reaches for the tissue on his nightstand. Swiping at the ruby beads with one hand, Katsuki wipes the rest off of his thumb. He grabs more tissues and begins dabbing at the other leg. Thankfully, the cuts aren't as deep as he thought, so Katsuki keeps the Kleenex pressed against his wounds for almost five minutes.

Tossing the balls of bloody Kleenex in the trash bin, Katsuki comes back to his senses and off this strange high, realizing just how many marks he left on his body.

He sucks in a sharp breath, his clothes stinging the open flesh. "Holy shit. You fucking idiot," he hisses. Closed knife in his fist, Katsuki grips it until his whole hand begins to shake, pain shooting from his palm to his shoulder. Glancing down at his hand and the item inside, Katsuki raises his arm and chucks it across the room with a frustrated grunt. "God damn it all!"

The pocket knife strikes the wooden door with a sharp thwack! It clatters to the floor, leaving the room for Katsuki's agitated and labored breathing.

Slippers pad along the hardwood floor, and Katsuki instantly knows who it is on the other side.

"Damn," he whispers, realizing his mistake.

"Baku-bro...you good, man?"

He creeps over to the door and swoops down to retrieve the knife. Returning the knife to its original spot, Katsuki sighs before speaking up again. "Fine. A hundred percent good. Now go fuck off and go to bed."

Once he's positive that Kirishima has tucked himself back into his room, Katsuki curls up on his bed. Without much of a fight, he allows an all-too-familiar sense of shame to wash over him. Why should he be going to the extent of harming himself when he has it all? He has a proper family consisting of two parents, and his grades have never been better, not to mention that he's growing leaps and bounds with his quirk's potential. He even has Kirishima, someone he considers to be his closest friend.

Two faint knocks take him by surprise. That damn Kirishima just can't seem to leave him be. Katsuki gives one firm knock in return to assure that everything's okay. After that, it doesn't take long for sleep to claim him.

●•●•●•●

A shudder rips through his body as he steps into the showers. The warm water slips into the cracks and crevasses of broken skin, causing Katsuki to hiss at the sensation. "Fuck," he whispers. He clenches his teeth before any more sounds of pain can slip past.

Does he deserve the pain? The lines between yes and no are smudged like the dried blood along his body. He deserves it because of the foul, selfish desire growing enough to hurt himself over nothing. But he's tired, craving nothing more than to be held. Katsuki can't recall when such sweet and warm contact seeped through his skin and fizzled through his veins.

Tears nearly muddle with the water as unknown forces clench around his throat, making it a struggle to breathe. Wrapping his arms around his waist, Katsuki presses his back against the tile walls before his weak knees buckle, sliding to the pooling floor. His shuddering gasps echo through the showers, and no tear falls. He refuses. It doesn't matter how much the feeling suffocates him. Katsuki would blast his own arms off before shedding a tear.

And so he sits there, gritting his teeth, muttering profanities at himself, digging his nails into his sides.

He sets his plate down in front of Kirishima and almost gags at the food on his plate. Katsuki knows he must eat something, or his training and progress will be all for nothing. A fried egg and a single slice of toast fill half the plate.

"Hey man, how'd you sleep? It was nearly midnight when I knocked," Kirishima chuckles. A strange smile pulls at the corners of his lips. "I heard a clatter and thought it was weird to hear something from you so late—"

"I knocked over a book on my nightstand in my sleep,"

Kirishima hums before taking a bite out of his own breakfast. "Alright, bro," he says around a mouthful of sausage.

The two boys pick away at their breakfasts in silence. Peace finally settles over Katsuki like a familiar blanket he lost long ago. After battling with himself to the point of self-destruction, Kirishima silences it all. Kirishima mutes the thoughts that plague his psyche in hell-inducing, nightmarish ways. Kirishima shuts down the programming in his mind that encourages dangerous actions.

"Thank you," his voice cracks from how low he whispers.

"Huh? What for, dude?" Kirishima clears his plate with Katsuki hot on his heels.

Katsuki stays silent for a moment, contemplating his words. Why did he even say 'thank you' anyway? It doesn't matter. He needs an excuse to bring meaning to the rather hollow words. "You're the only shitty person in this world I would bother to call close."

"Aw, thank you, man! You're my best friend, too!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, you weirdo," Katsuki grumbles, but this time a hint of playfulness sneaks into his tone.

Katsuki and Kirishima work their way back to the dorms, chattering away about their plans for the weekend. Well, it's more Kirishima nattering away while Katsuki listens in silence.

"—and Kaminari and Sero are planning another sleepover. Do you think I should go?"

He shrugs. "I'm not your damn mother,"

"Oh, right," Kirishima chortles. "I'm thinking of maybe going, but Ashido's going through another break-up with Uraraka, so I might have to hang with her again—you know how they get."

He nods.

"Well...whaddya think?" Kirishima asks as Katsuki clicks the button for the elevator. It doesn't take long for it to chime open, swallowing them in as Kirishima presses the button that leads to their floor. "Should I or should I not go?"

"Do whatever the hell you want. I don't care."

"Oh, right," Kirishima grins. "And uhm, do you want to watch a movie or something?"

The elevator's jaws open up and spit them out, leaving the boys to make their way back to their rooms. A movie would be...perfect, but Katsuki still hasn't taken out his trash. Removing any and all evidence from last night should be one of the first things he should do.

"No, I need to finish some more homework and tidy my room."

Kirishima raises a brow. They stop at Katsuki's room, and he watches him unlock the door. "You? Needing to tidy up your room? Who are you, and what have you done to Bakugou?"

He shakes his head with a low snicker. "At least my room is always cleaner than yours."

"Hey!"

"It's true,"

The silence only confirms what they both know.

Katsuki steps into his darkened room as Kirishima calls out, "I'll see you later, then. Right?"

"Sure," he grunts out.

Not bothering to switch on a light or open the curtains, Katsuki eyes the brimful trash bin under his desk. Despite eating his fill and spending time with his favorite person, his energy is somehow more limited. So he merely stands there, staring at it before drifting into space. What feels like TV static and muted chatter rustles in his ears, and for a moment, his world detaches.

Katsuki lets his head finally fall to gawk at his hands. They tremble as sweat begins to moisten his upturned palms. The same feeling of being strangled slips around Katsuki like an invisible rope hitching around his throat.

Sleep, he blinks back his trembling waterline as he wipes his hands on his pants. I need sleep. Maybe that's all it takes to feel better. God, I'm such a fool if I'm wrong. Scratch that. Delusional might be a better word...

He rips off his turtleneck and flops onto his bed. Curling up, he doesn't bother to throw on his messy covers.

This pain Katsuki's in is brain-numbing, chest hallowing pain. It's swallowing him up.

And he doesn't know how to escape it.

Katsuki wakes up to the sound of rapid knocking. Peeling his eyes open, he can't even register the slurred conversation he just had until a weight settles on the side of his bed.

"Hey man, y'good? It's nearly supper time, and you haven't come out since this morning," Kirishima's voice is warm and inviting. After a stammer pause, it quickly shifts to trembling, fearful. "Uhm, mind telling me what those red lines are on your hips there, bro?"

He's fully awake as he jolts to an awkward sitting position. Reaching for what blankets he can, he covers himself from the waist down. He must have cut himself a little too far up last night. "The fuck you staring down there for?"

Hands pull up in defense with a lowering head. "Sorry, I'm sorry, dude. It's just a bit concerning when you've been acting the way you've been for who knows how long."

"What the hell?" Katsuki feigns ignorance with a scoff. "You think I would want to hurt myself? Kirishima, let's be real here. Why would I do that?"

Kirishima bolts up and waves his arms in Katsuki's direction. An irritated noise rumbles the back of his throat. "You don't think that I wouldn't notice, Bakugou? I've seen how much you've cut back on your food and how you'd stare off into God knows where! I've seen how much more silent you've become, only flipping people off when they frustrate you. I've been waiting to see if this is just one big phase, but the idea of what you might be doing terrifies me. Bakugou, please tell me anything's wrong...don't suffer alone."

Words on the tip of his tongue swallow back into his gut. He's fine. He has a plan. A plan to limit himself week by week until he doesn't cut himself anymore. At least, that's what he tells himself. The notion of carving into his skin once more raises an excited feeling in his simmering veins while nausea churns, fuelling the civil war some might consider his mind.

"I'm fine, Shitty Hair. I was training a while ago and scrapped myself—there's nothing to worry about."

Kirishima sighs, squaring his jaw. "Fine, but please come down to eat something tonight. Everyone else is done, and the food's almost cold."

Katsuki nods, "Yeah, yeah. Sure."

He leaves the room, and Katsuki immediately swings himself out of bed. Fingers curling around his army knife, he creeps into the bathroom with a strange buzz of giddiness. Kirishima almost discovered the slashes on his legs and hips, so what if he ventures out further to see if he can get away with more. Just a little more, nothing too serious.

With the weather growing colder, everybody has been wearing long sleeves and jackets. If Katsuki treats the self-inflicted wounds just right and cuts just shallow enough, they'll be healed with close to no scarring by spring.

Locking the knife into place, Katsuki lifts his forearm up and bends it to face him. The seamless and unblemished skin stares back at him, practically challenging him to do it. Can he actually commit to it? He twists his wrist up and down, then left to right, observing how each artery, vein, and tendon sink in and jut out against the wall of flesh. An itch only a blade could satisfy burrows through the base of his wrist that connects to his palm. He refuses the urge and slides the knife lower to where the middle of his forearm is. Gently applying pressure to the blade, Katsuki slides it down. Memorized by the trail of red—blood oozing much more compared to the other places on his body—Katsuki glides the knife to another spot on his arm. Does he dare to go further? The last incision only takes a quarter of his forearm, so he goes again, dragging the blade halfway before stopping.

"Bakugou..? I—oh, shit. I fucking knew it. Holy fuck," a voice warbles and rasps.

His head snaps up, and his arms fall. With wide eyes, Katsuki stares into Kirishima's reflection, petrified to turn around and find him standing behind him.

Tears well up in their eyes, but only Kirishima's fall. He stretches his arm out, palm up. "Bakugou," he nearly whispers. When Katsuki doesn't move, Kirishima takes a half step and straightens his fingers more. "Please, Bakugou. Hand me the pocket knife."

Warm beads of blood trail down to his knuckles before splattering onto the cool tile in dramatic dollops.

Another step forward forces Katuski back, and the right side of his hip digs into the counter. "Go away, Kirishima. I just—I'm fine, honestly," his voice is meek, not even a shadow of his regular boisterous self. "I'll be down to eat in a bit, just...don't tell anybody, please."

"No. You lied—"

"Because I had to!"

Silence freezes over them until the scratching sound of Kirishima's slippers charges at him. Before Katsuki can react, Kirishima has both hands in a fist, pulling them above his head. "Drop the damn knife, Bakugou. I'm going to see you hurt yourself anymore."

Katsuki tries to fight back, but it's a struggle with how the small of his back presses flush against the counter, borderline arching towards the sink faucet. His arm burns, blood trickling down his elbow and seeping into Kirishima's black long-sleeve muscle shirt. Kirishima must have finished a workout before waking Katsuki because the scent of salty sweat tickles his nose. "Just let me go, God damn it! Then you don't have to watch, idiot," he spits, some flying and landing on Kirishima's cheek.

"But you're my friend, I can't...I can't just sit back and let you do this to yourself!" Kirishima grunts as he struggles with Katsuki. "Would you do the same for me? Just gawk, frozen in place as my own fucking blood stains me? Bakugou, you're going to kill yourself if you keep this up, and I refuse to let you go through with it!"

He falters at the words, unable to process how Kirishima spins them, pushing him against a wall with his wrists pinning on each side of his head.

"You might be in your own personal bubble, but we care about you—I fucking care for you! You're my best friend, my partner. You're my favorite person in the whole damn world, Bakugou..." Kirishima's weeping now, but the sound drowns in his ears as TV static crackles in the back of his mind.

Katsuki turns away to stare at the doorway. It stands a few inches away from them, laughing at their—his—struggle. Don't look at me like that, he wants to say to Kirishima. I'm not doing anything wrong... I'm just not in the right headspace right now.

But he stays silent, cheeks and ears hot with embarrassment. Everything blurs, so he stares up at the tile ceiling, to not let a single tear shed nor look at his distressed friend. 'Sorry' is all he can mouth, but Kirishima either doesn't notice or cares.

"Please, Bakugou...just drop the knife, alright? I'm not mad, but scared," he whispers the last word as if taboo. When Katsuki brings his gaze back to Kirishima, he finds his head hung and grip weakening. They both tremble and shake as tears swirl with blood on the floor. In some strange way, Katsuki finds it funny how it's almost a literal, physical statement of blood versus water. Which will stand tall and persevere? Only time and the fates know, and it's up to them to find out.

"I'm so damn scared that I'll lose you. Listen, I won't do the whole stupid 'Quit For Me' speech because that's probably the last thing you want to hear, but please stop for your own sake—"

"If you think this is all for stupid attention, it's not. I fucking swear on it, Kirishima."

Tears fall harder as both of them start sniffling. Kirishima shakes his head again, sealing his eyes tight, his face scrunches in hurt. "I would never. But please think of your parents if something worse happens to you. Think of Midoriya. Think of your goals, Bakugou. Who else will be number one? I have no clue because, at Midoriya's rate, he might not make it past thirty with how much he's been trashing his body through his quirk. There's no way in hell that Todoroki will be number one after all the beef he's had with his dad—he wouldn't allow it. So I'm begging, Bakugou—I'll get on my knees if I must—but please, please, please drop the knife. We can work through this together. You aren't alone...don't suffer alone."

Silence steals them away, leaving them with just their heaving breaths and solemn thoughts. He gasps when hot wetness trails down his cheeks. His first reaction is to swipe it away, but his injured arm screams at him when Kirishima stiffens his grip.

"Shit," he mutters. As the uncontrollable flow of tears slips down his face like waterfalls, a strange sense of vulnerability squeezes at his chest. Like he's been stripped naked for all the world to see, Katsuki wants to curl up under his bed and hide until Kirishima forgets this event. Katsuki sighs and looks everywhere but his direction. "Kiri, in my bedroom...I wanted you to know. But I didn't want to tell you. I was so close, too. What I've been doing to myself is much more complex than you think. I don't even know why I fucking do it. Shit, Kirishima, I sit here and try to limit myself each week. But...but..."

The dam breaks, and Katsuki's knees buckle again. A clatter is audible from the fallen knife, but nobody pays attention to it. Kirishima eases him to the floor before Katsuki wraps his arms around him like he's dangling from the highest point of a skyscraper. "Fucking hell, Kirishima. You," he's interrupted by a hiccup in his choking sob. "You're right. I swear I w-was getting better. I had a plan. I had precautions. It just went all to sh-shit today. God, I'm so tired of it all. Please make it stop—I want this to st-stop. I'm sorry, so so sorry. Okay? Give m-me a chance, and I'll change. Fuck everything so hurts damn badly..." Katsuki sniffs before another shattering gasp wracks through his body. "I'm so embarrassed that you see me like this now. Don't treat me like I'm some stupid fucking toy needing to be fixed now. Don't treat me like a doll in need of stitches. I don't need the pity."

More inconsistent and nonsensical rambles slip past his lips, but Kirishima doesn't pull away. Kirishima only cradles him closer, not bothering to acknowledge the blood staining his shirt. Carding fingers through Katsuki's choppy hair, Kirishima rocks him softly. Almost as if engaging in a slow dance of comfort and stability, leaving Katsuki no chance but to comply with his sobbing babbles. "Don't be sorry. It'll be okay, Bakugou, I can feel it. You have me to lean on and wipe your tears. You have me to guide you away from those dark paths and thoughts. You have me for everything and anything. I promise I won't leave you."

His cold hands link with Kirishima's warm ones when they pull away. Kirishima helps him to his feet before stooping down to rummage in the cabinet under the sink. "Now let's get you cleaned up, yeah?"

●•●•●•●

About two weeks later, Katsuki slowly but steadily returns to a new normal version of himself. Sure, the first two days were messy, consisting of yelling and negative remarks from Katsuki; however, Kirishima gladly picked up his pieces and glued him together. For that, Katsuki has been forever thankful. Whenever he can, he leaves behind small gestures of kindness, whether it's cooking a meal, helping Kirishima tidy up, or slipping him the answers to their quizzes instead of lecturing about studying after getting their grades back.

But there's still this hollow, achy feeling nestling in the base of his chest. Katsuki doesn't know when it'll go away, but hopefully, it will be soon.

They curl up on Kirishima's bed, watching something on his laptop. Subtitles follow the screen's events as they watch an animated movie about wizards and moving castles. With almost his complete attention dedicated to the screen, he doesn't even understand what his body is doing to him until Kirishima points it out.

"Please don't pick at your bandage," Eijirou prompts, running his hand in a soothing motion along Katsuki's left arm and gently squeezing his shoulder.

Katsuki quickly threads his fingers together to stop the mindless action. He grunts in acknowledgment, resting deeper onto Kirishima's chest. Eventually, Kirishima found out about how touch-starved Katsuki is. So they've entered a silent agreement that whenever alone, Kirishima is allowed to hold him unless told otherwise, and the same applies to Katsuki.

"I'm so glad you're doing better now, Kats," Kirishima grins, shifting the computer with his free hand. "Do you...feel better? I can get you some ice cubes if you'd like."

Katsuki hums to himself before answering. "No, m'good."

If it gets worse, then I might hold some to distract myself, Katsuki sighs. But I have all that I need right here.

When the movie ends, the credits start to slide across the screen, and Kirishima closes the laptop and slides it off his lap. "I uh...got you something to celebrate."

Katsuki sits up, criss-crossing his legs, and faces Kirishima. His brows knit together as his nose scrunches ever so slightly. "Whatcha mean by that? It's nobody's birthday, and no holidays are coming up."

Kirishima turns to grab something in his bag from beside the bed. "Well, because what we're dealing with is a total beast, I thought after each milestone, I'd get you something to congratulate!"

'What we're dealing with.' That thought echoes against every corner of Katsuki's brain, warming him to his core. That's right, I'm not alone.

With the back of his unbandaged arm, he uses the back of his wrist to swipe away at the tears that well up along his waterline. That's another thing Kirishima has been trying to teach him. He can cry, and it's okay to do so. Nobody will make fun of him. Nobody will look down on him.

Kirishima holds up a book and a paper bag with the label of their favorite bakery's logo, a proud beam plastering his face. "Ta-da! Oh, jeez, was it the wrong one? Is that why you're crying? I think I still have the receipt somewhere..."

"No! No, it's fine, Kiri," Katsuki's lips turn up into the faintest of smiles. "You're just too kind to me, and I really don't deserve it. I just don't know where I'd be if you didn't come to check up on me that day."

They've checked in on each other several times before, but there's no need to elaborate on which day he's talking about.

Kirishima sets the items aside and pulls Katsuki into another warm hug. "Shhh, it's okay, Kats."

The pair stay like that for a moment. Katsuki doesn't know where he starts, and Kirishima begins, but he doesn't mind. In fact, Katsuki actually enjoys it. He enjoys how the idea of silk-smooth possibilities settles his thoughts. He enjoys how his fingers twitch in consideration and the temptation to hold Kirishima at any moment. He enjoys the feeling of satisfaction when he knows he is, in fact, getting better with each baby step. He enjoys the pride that swells in his chest on how he did and will survive. He enjoys it all.

Every. Single. Bit.

I'm so sorry for any inconsistencies towards the characters!! I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter even with it being more on the darker side of things. I was planning to have more of the comfort aspect come in, but then it would've been too long, so I had to cut it off short, sorry! Below this is the link for if you wish to read this on AO3!! Also, if you would like to have this fic gifted to you, please @ yourself the next time you request! Thank you~!

[chaesyoung]

manifested a 3p away in just over a month! in the past, i've had a lot of trouble manifesting 3ps away - it'd happen eventually, but it would take several months where i'd go back and forth wavering and wondering if it'd ever happen. this time, that still happened quite a bit, but i tried my best to stay in the state of the wish fulfilled while also working on myself and my confidence. i know, we hear it all the time, but self-concept is so important! during this time, i've been looking at some of my main beliefs about myself and working on deconstructing them to become healthier.

after this 3p popped up, as a combination of that and some other factors, i was genuinely in the worst mental state i've ever been in. i'd go part of the day knowing it'd be okay somehow, then part of it stressing over the 3p, then part of it wondering if things with my sp would really be meant to be, then i'd go to sleep imagining everything was okay with my sp while wondering if i was just lying to myself. rinse and repeat over and over. "realistically," with how much i was wavering, it probably shouldn't have manifested. that's where i think self-concept work really helped me, since i was working on giving the love i want to myself the best i can while also finding other things to pursue and enjoy. for example, if i didn't feel like washing my face before bed, i'd tell myself "i'm worth the effort" and do it anyway. i still wanted to be with my sp and have the 3p go away somehow, but i was also finding ways to enjoy myself and romanticize my life on my own.

another thing that helped me during this time was handing things over to the universe, which is really hard for me because of a) my insecurity-based tendency to want to have control over things, and b) the idea i've seen in a lot of loass spaces that we have complete control over our reality. if that idea works for you, that's awesome and i have nothing against that! in my situation, though, i found it made me beat myself up if something went "wrong" and i'd be stressing over little details. instead, i'd try to take a deep breath and say "the universe is handling it, all i need to do is know it'll happen eventually." i tried to trust more in divine timing and the idea that i'm being guided to my dream future no matter what the actual path might look like.

much longer post than i originally planned to make, but i hope this might be comforting to anyone who's overthinking their desire or doubting themselves for wavering/not having it instantly! you're not less of a manifestor or less powerful if your desires take some time to show up, and it doesn't mean they'll never show up. we all have our own paths and you're going to reach the things you want. just keep your head up and keep pushing even when it's tricky <3

[maya-matlin]

Pick your most unpopular opinion about each of these shows (only if you want to!!): Degrassi, OTH, Gilmore Girls, Friends, Riverdale, That 70s Show, and Dawson's Creek :)

Degrassi:

This is so difficult because I feel like I've stated so many opinions in the past. Okay. I think the Degrassi nudes arc was theoretically really interesting from a psychological standpoint as well as how a survivor would cope after going through a very public sexual assault trial with the details of what happened to them being well known. Because it feels like something so human and yet so misguided, I don't view Zoe's role in it as harshly as others do. To be fair, the writers lost the plot. Literally. It got really sensationalized with blackmailing and cheerleader dolls and fake hostage situations. I also really hate how it turned into a Zoe vs Frankie situation with zero nuance. Their past involving Frankie being an unsupportive friend who victim blamed Zoe multiple times was never brought up once in lieu of Frankie being turned into Zoe's victim. So while I wouldn't say I like the arc itself, I feel like it had potential. The writers just weren't committed to seeing it through and let Zoe down as a character. The aftermath was really underwhelming and made the whole story line irrelevant.

OTH:

Even though I like the shooting episode for what it is, it's a pretty mediocre depiction of characterizing a school shooter. Following Jimmy's suicide, the writing consistently expects the audience to feel sympathy for him and remember him as a good guy who did one bad thing. It's to the point where the entire school ends up signing his high school yearbook. To be fair, a lot of the Jimmy romanticism came from Mouth, who had weird morals himself considering he was the show's resident incel. But beyond that, Jimmy quickly stops being the villain of the episode to orchestrate a scenario where Dan just happens to stumble upon Keith and a gun, giving him the opportunity to murder him. Also, every other scene features monologues given by the characters that are blatantly trying WAY too hard to be deep and profound. Not to mention this episode marked the official return of romantic Lucas/Peyton, but because Peyton was bleeding and supposedly didn't know any better she can't possibly be held responsible for selfishly making a move on her best friend's boyfriend in what she believed to be her last moments. Sorry, fuck that. Your last moments shouldn't include complicating things for two people you claim to care about. Especially not when you were the one who helped ruin their relationship the first time around, and you know for a fact that your best friend still has trust issues over what happened.

Also, Brooke was the love of Lucas's life. I'll die on this hill. Blame Chad Michael Murray's inability to stop giving his ex-wife heart eyes even during scenes post-Brucas, but it is what it is.

Gilmore Girls:

It's difficult to know what is or isn't popular in the Gilmore Girls fandom. I guess I'll say that Rory dropping out of Yale was the right decision? The way I see it, nothing bad was ever going to come out of that. Rory was in a transitional place where she was questioning a lot of her life decisions. She didn't currently feel up to attending school, so she took some time off. It was completely understandable, yet the narrative insists that this was indicative of Rory going down a bad path. I can understand Lorelai wanting Rory to take some time to make sure this was what she wanted but if anything, Lorelai's overreaction probably made Rory take even more time off from school. Had Rory had her mother and best friend in her corner, maybe she would have realized by the beginning of the next semester that she was emotionally ready to return to Yale. Just.. everything with Lorelai, Richard and Emily feeling as though they could force Rory to go back to school as though she was suddenly going to lose her place and never be able to return was stupid. Out of the two of them, Lorelai was the pettiest and most in the wrong during their estrangement. Lorelai was the parent. Lorelai chose not to tell her daughter she was engaged. Rory shouldn't have ever felt as though she couldn't come home until she basically did everything her mother wanted her to do. Considering Lorelai's own history with Emily, you'd think she'd realize that. But again, the writers made sure we knew how badly Rory was ruining her life and making bad decisions for committing the crime of taking a leave of absence from school and daring to try other things in the meantime.

Friends:

My opinions on the Ross/Rachel infamous "break" are all over the place. Technically, I think Ross is right that their relationship was no longer intact when he slept with another woman. Their communication absolutely sucked during this story line. No attempts at clarification were ever made. Ross just walked out when Rachel said she wanted a break, and Rachel let him. Honestly, I don't even think Ross sleeping with someone else so soon after splitting up from Rachel, in whatever form you consider that to be, makes him an asshole. In an ideal world where everyone makes rational decisions all the time, Ross wouldn't have coped with intense heartbreak by immediately sleeping with someone else. But it was a human reaction, and I don't fault him for that. What I do fault him for is hiding it the next day, running around town trying to stop other people from telling Rachel. It's all but admitting that Ross and Rachel were still emotionally connected and in the mindset of being in a monogamous relationship. Even if they technically weren't. What I also fault him for is being so stubborn and adamant on being right that he never admits fault or owns up to causing Rachel pain for several years after that. So what if he didn't technically betray Rachel? To Rachel, it felt like one. Sometimes, when you love someone, you have to be understanding of the complexities of emotions and just take the fucking L, even if you're technically faultless by definition. And honestly, Rachel was part of the problem, too. What kind of relationship or connection do you really have if you're having the same, obnoxious argument for eight years, never able to get on the same page? Like, I know it's a comedy, but Friends wasn't playing up the comedy angle during this arc. Anyways, they definitely shouldn't have ended up together if they were going to keep getting tripped up over one argument for eight years.

Riverdale:

I don't know how unpopular this actually is, but Veronica is extremely underrated and never gets the love and appreciation she deserves. Looking across the entire series, including time jumps, different universes, and eras where the characters literally had powers, Veronica was consistently the most selfless and considerate character on the show. Half the time, she was the mean girl in name only. There were countless occasions where Veronica forgave even when she shouldn't have and/or should have held out for more remorse and effort from the person that wronged her. The attempt to compare Veronica kissing Ginger Judas in the pilot after knowing Archie and Betty for two seconds to Betty doing it three years into Varchie's relationship is.. it has some nerve. Anyways, Veronica was wonderful, ambitious, and everyone on that show was better for having known her. Sadly, she was underappreciated more often than not, rarely ever getting her due. I really wish anyone but Archie had been the love of her life, because he really didn't deserve her by the end.

That '70s Show:

Sometimes, Hyde gets way too much of a pass for his treatment of Jackie. I feel like he's overall the most popular character on the show with his relationship with Jackie being the most popular, resulting in a lot of his questionable behavior getting swept under the rug. Obviously Hyde had issues he needed to work through stemming from his childhood and struggled to let other people in. But Jackie was consistently a pretty great girlfriend for him, going out of her way to show love and affection, only for him to not 100% reciprocate. Fuck Danny Masterson (and honestly Mila at this point too), but a lot of what made that relationship what it was is the chemistry between Danny and Mila and how they chose to demonstrate the love between those two characters. Hyde was still miles ahead of Kelso and Fez and had great moments with Jackie. But it still needs to be said. Hyde put Jackie through a lot.

Dawson's Creek:

While not perfectly written, most of Andie's fall from grace during season 3 makes a lot of sense. I even think Andie cheating on Pacey was in character. It's a controversial take because no one wants to believe that season 2 Andie would have ever done such a thing. But the reality is, Andie had a literal mental breakdown. She says it herself. When Andie went to get mental health help, she was no longer the same girl Pacey fell in love with. Andie was in a dark, lonely, vulnerable place, and she met someone else. This guy understood parts of Andie's mental health struggles that Pacey couldn't, and it led to a friendship that became an emotional affair. They made their own world together, and then had one, impulsive slip up. It doesn't cheapen Andie's love for Pacey, but it's still understandable that Andie crossed a boundary of Pacey's that couldn't be uncrossed. After this, Andie's attempts to recuperate post-breakup, including her treatment of Pacey and even stealing the test were pretty consistent based on how desperately Andie wanted to appear normal and as though everything was under control. However, I also think early season 3 stacked the deck too far against Andie, resulting in her character leaving the show early. The supposed "false accusation" meant to make Andie look bad from a misogynistic, ableist showrunner took it too far. I personally think even during that episode, there are enough hints, including Rob's desperation to shut Andie's story down when she hadn't even gone to the authorities, indicates she told the truth. Seriously, his happy ass was all cocky when Pacey confronted him, but once he sobered up he practically sprinted to Joey's house to use Andie's mental health against her, even manhandling Joey multiple times to force her to listen. But whatever. The intent was obvious, and I still hated it. Anyways, Andie McPhee was great, and I wish people would still appreciate her at her worst. After all, it's what led to season 4 Andie, probably the strongest iteration of her character even though she sadly wasn't around for long.

[stormyoceans]

i’m rewatching and i still don’t know how this show exists or what kind of drugs were the writers on, but i’m so glad they were lmao and they have enough for our skyy 2 episodes. Any thoughts about 1) empty cinema scene, 2) talay’s foggy glasses kiss, 3) grafitti library scene, ‘Do you want me to live with you or do you want something 18+’ unhinged daydream, 4) wedding scene, 5) puen reading shojo manga, 6) why they should stop eating so much junk food, 7) snow scene? Sorry this got too long. I just love your thoughts about them so much!

Have an awesome day!

(one day i’ll come off anon, im just too shy and awkward lmao)

[peaks timidly from my inbox] yes hello i come asking for forgiveness ;;;;;; i really am so terribly sorry for how late this answer is, anon, i've been so all-over the place in the few past weeks and wrote this here and there whenever i needed to feel better, which probably means it's even more scattered and less coherent than usual ;;;;; not sure if you're still around or even just still interested in this, but i wanted to reply to you anyway, so here we go!!!

1) empty cinema scene: ONE OF THE MOST UNDERRATED SCENES IN THE ENTIRE SHOW IM SO HAPPY YOU MENTIONED IT BECAUSE WE DON’T TALK NEARLY ENOUGH ABOUT IT!!!!! literally the proof that no one can cheer talay up and get him out of his own head like puen does!!!! talay's ridiculously fond smile as puen pretends the cinema is full of people, the way he actually plays along with it after the initial 'what the hell are you doing' reaction.... we always make fun of puen for being down bad BUT GOD TALAY IS SO SMITTEN TOO he sees puen tearing up while watching the movie (THEIR movie) and his first instinct is to gently wipe away those tears LIKE IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU WANT TO BITE YOUR OWN ARM OFF AND FEED IT TO THE WOLVES THEN I ENVY YOU TBH. and the most insane thing is that at the time he didn’t even know he was in love with puen, he hadn’t realized it yet, while puen was already fully aware of his own feelings for talay. puen who, during the voice over, says "it's you. if it wasn't for you, this movie wouldn't have happened. without you, my screenplay wouldn't be this good", which parallels what he tells talay at the end of episode 4, "if it's not you, i wouldn't be able to work this well". and looking back at it, i really feel like it shouldn't have surprised me so much to learn that puen realized he was in love with talay at the glass house, because he was basically shouting it from the rooftops. "which scene is your favorite?" talay asks him. "the last scene where both of them meet again in the coffee shop," puen answers, because "i went there with you". it's you. it can't be anyone but you. i love you, i love you, i love you. IM TRULY NEVER GONNA GET TIRED OF SAYING HOW THEY INVENTED PARALLELISM ROMANTICISM SOULMATISM ALSO NOT THEM BEING SO ENTHRALLED BY EACH OTHER THEY DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT UP AND AOU WERE THERE TOO PEOPLE IN LOVE ARE THE WORST

2) talay’s foggy glasses kiss: NO THOUGHTS HEAD EMPTY AND EVEN IF I HAD ANY I WOULD KEEP THEM BETWEEN ME AND GOD BECAUSE THEY SURE AS HELL WOULDN'T BE FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION. like i make fun of puen for being horny all the time but also i get it. if talay confessed to have been in love with me since the very first time we met by using a very similar line i liked from a movie we watched together years ago all while looking so warm and cuddly in an oversized sweater, i would feel compelled to kiss him senseless too. also not to be petty, but as much as people like to say jimmysea can't kiss, this is the only time i can fully believe a make out session left a character breathless, with weak knees, and a little turned on like THE FOGGY GLASSES, TALAY'S LIPS ALL RED FROM KISSING, HIS HAIR MESSED UP FROM PUEN'S HANDS RUNNING THROUGH IT, HIS EYES COMPLETELY GLAZED OVER...... REARRANGED MY GUTS MY SOUL MY ENTIRE LIFE AND EVERYTHING I EVER THOUGHT I KNEW THE SPECTRE OF THE PERSON I WAS WHEN I FIRST SAW THIS KISS HAUNTS MY EVERY WAKING MOMENT THEY REALLY DID THE MOST

3.a) grafitti library scene: PAIN SUFFERING TORMENT AGONY ANGUISH BUT ALSO THE TENSION THE UNDERCURRENT THE WHOLE ENTIRE EVERYTHING OF IT ALL I HATE TO SEE THEM FIGHT BUT GOD I LOVE THIS SCENE I REALLY DO. i just think it's such an important moment, character-wise, and it's also the first big turning point in their relationship, just like the separation in episode 6 is, because the conflict is actually functional to their growth, especially puen's. puen is already so deeply in love here, but it's so painfully obvious that he has no idea how to go about it and that he is still struggling to find himself, so he defaults to what he knows, to being puen the actor, and that's what he ends up putting on, an act, a big over the top romantic one that could have come out from a movie, but even if the feelings behind it are genuine, the gesture itself isn't, and talay KNOWS, because puen is the kind of person that quietly waits outside his university all day just to spend a little more time with him, not the one that makes a spectacle out of it. this is what makes talay finally snap, because while we see him being very confused about his feelings throughout the episode, and very doubtful about puen's too, you can see that part of him did believe in puen's sincerity ("lately, someone has done something nice to me," talay says to dol a little later in the episode, "so nice that i thought he was serious"), which is why it hurts so much to see talay's crestfallen expression when he asks puen "so all you've done is for your screenwriting?" (and since we're talking about it SEA'S ACTING HERE IS SO GOOD AND YET SO UNDERRATED IM EATING MY FIST) and puen doesn't realize how upset talay really is until it's too late, until he tries to explain and maybe even confess something ("im not messing with you. i--") but talay doesn't want to listen anymore. however this rejection is essential to make puen understand that he has to stop hiding under puen the actor and start being puen the person if he wants to be with talay. this is a long process that will only end in episode 10, when he'll finally be ready to tell talay his name, but this was the first step towards it: as misguided as the kiss in the glass house is, it's also the moment where puen stops playing a role and starts following his feelings. i honestly don't think it's a coincidence that in this episode the password used for the association is "you're not a movie. you are real."

3.b) ‘Do you want me to live with you or do you want something 18+’ unhinged daydream: PEAK DERANGED PUEN MOMENT HE REALLY SAID LET ME ADMIT OUT LOUD ALL THE ROMANTIC DOMESTIC HALF HORNY FANTASIES I'VE EVER HAD ABOUT YOU. IM PRETTY SURE THAT IF TALAY DIDN'T STOP HIM HE REALLY WOULD HAVE GONE INTO FULL 18+ NSFW XXX TERRITORY THERE IS JUST NOT A SINGLE OUNCE OF SHAME IN THIS BOY'S BODY AND YET TALAY STILL THINKS HE’S DOING IT FOR THE BIT. INSANITY LUNACY MADNESS AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY HAVE I GONE CRAZY. on a more serious note, i already said it before, but i absolutely love how the talay in puen's daydreams is just like the real talay, so much so that we could hardly tell that what we were seeing wasn't actually what was happening, because it shows that puen loves him as he is, warts and all, and that in puen's head their relationship turning into a romantic one wouldn't change who they are or how they interact with each other: they would still bicker and banter and be friends, and that's one of the things i love the most about them. ALSO ALL THE DETAILS IN PUEN'S FANTASY ACTUALLY BECOMING TRUE MAKES ME WANT TO RIP MY HEART OUT AND EAT IT BUT LET'S NOT GO THERE

4) wedding scene: I HAVE MULTIPLE ORGANS FAILURE EVERY TIME I REWATCH THIS SCENE POSSIBLY BECAUSE THEIR OUTFITS HERE ARE MY FAVORITE FOR BOTH OF THEM IN THE ENTIRE SHOW BUT MAINLY BECAUSE PUEN IS REALLY OUT THERE JUST SAYING SHIT LIKE "I SHOULD JUST MARRY A COLORIST" IN EPISODE 4!!!!!! BOY HAS JUST REALIZED HE'S IN LOVE LIKE 2 DAYS AGO AND IS ALREADY PLANNING THEIR WEDDING IN HIS HEAD!!!!!! also i adore how the writers use this specific setting to let us know the characters' current attitude towards love: puen talking about getting married and having a partner vs talay being focused on working on the video, puen catching the bouquet with no fear vs talay shielding himself from it.... THIS IS WHY I DESPERATELY NEED THE PUENTALAY WEDDING IN OUR SKYY I /NEED/ P'X TO GIVE ME THIS PARALLEL IT WOULD SIMPLY BE SO DELICIOUS. and not to be that person but fucking raw in that venue right then and there would have been less obscene than the looks they be throwing at each other while puen tells the entire room he is hitting on talay and then gives him the bouquet. jimmysea really be showing up on set every day like we're gonna display so much adoration desire yearning and love through the look in our eyes alone AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH FOR IT

5) puen reading shojo manga: OF COURSE PUEN WOULD LOVE SHOUJO WHEN HE IS SO INTO LOVE AND ROMANCE IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE AND IT'S HONESTLY SO ADORABLE I HOPE TALAY BUYS HIM AN ENTIRE LIBRARY FOR HIM TO FILL WITH ALL HIS FAVORITE MANGA. and i think it's interesting to point out that shoujo, much like the color pink, is something that has been forcefully connected to a whole set of 'feminine' characteristics that society tells men are off-limits for them: men don't need to be caring and sweet and romantic and cute.... but puen is very much all of these things, and maybe his reticence in admitting he likes shoujo is yet another way he hides his real self away because he's scared not to be liked, which makes talay's genuine interest all the more important. also we tend to associate shoujo with romance, but the three more common narrative themes in the genre are a focus on human relations and emotions, characters that defy traditional roles and stereotypes surrounding gender and sexuality, and depictions of supernatural and paranormal subjects. IDK ABOUT YOU BUT THAT SOUNDS VERY FAMILIAR TO ME

6) why they should stop eating so much junk food: THIS MAKES ME LAUGH SO MUCH EVERY TIME I READ IT BUT ALSO I REALLY DO HOPE THEY’RE SNEAKING SOME VEGETABLES IN BETWEEN ALL THE CHIPS AND FRIED CHICKEN AND PREMADE NOODLES AND DIFFERENT KIND OF SWEETS OR THEY’RE GONNA GET A HEART ATTACK BEFORE THE AGE OF 40 (thank god for the 0% sugar oishi drink at least sfjkshfkgs). also not me suddenly getting choked up at the thought of the two of them getting to 50 years old and finding out that talay’s pressure tends to get too high so puen studies a proper diet for it and makes sure talay follows it scrupulously NOT ME THINKING ABOUT OLD PUENTALAY GROWING VEGETABLES IN THEIR GARDEN AND REMINDING EACH OTHER TO TAKE THEIR MEDS EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND I NEED TO GO WALK INTO TRAFFIC REAL QUICK YEAH NO BRB

7) snow scene: there are honestly many things i could talk about in this scene ("when you see snow again next time you will think of me", puen and talay having to play the characters, puen kissing talay's cheek, talay saying he doesn't like to be hugged, the freaking shaved ice made with snow and the oishi drink) BUT THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK ABOUT IS "YOU MUST ONLY BE HAPPY TALAY" LIKE IM SORRY BUT ISABELLE ADJANI GOING TITS OUT INSANE IN THE TUNNEL SCENE FROM POSSESSION HAS NOTHING ON WHAT I FEEL ABOUT THIS LINE IT'S IN MY TOP 10 MOST ROMANTIC PUEN'S LINES AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY IN WAYS I CAN'T REALLY EXPLAIN AND I WISH I COULD SAY ANYTHING COHERENT ABOUT IT BUT RN THERE ARE JUST AMBULANCE SIRENS GOING OFF IN MY HEAD

[quiettownjester]

thoughts and things that have helped me with eating disorder stuff (in my unqualified opinion)

taking the time. right now it feels like time is money, and i can't waste too much of it doing "nothing", i.e. basic self care and things other people do all the time so easily it seems. if that is true, i shouldn't rush my way through something that is so valuable! making a meal tailored to my tastes, taking the time to actually cook and do something productive with my hands, it helps. turning it into a ritual just makes it better.

eating a meal without any distractions, too. just myself, nothing in the background, every once in a while, just doing something as simple as focusing on what i'm doing and letting myself think the thoughts i would've been pushing away.

in that vein, breaking bad habits and creating more rituals! in some cases, mine included, my eating disorder behaviors have become just one of many bad habits that i struggle to break. sometimes trying everything to make your life perfect can just be too much so you end up doing none of it, but other times it makes it a hell of a lot more easy to break them. sunk cost fallacy, and all that.

i've never been great at the stereotypical self care things. putting care into your physical self is a way of showing how much you... care.. about yourself? but ykwim. using nice lotion, doing skincare, taking your medications on time. drinking w a t e r. taking the time to scrunch my hair into its natural waves and not leaving it to frizz like it would without anything in it. oh the look on my face when i found out hair oil was a thing. and it's so nice!!! to treat yourself with value and care. reframing it not as something i'm doing to make myself more presentable to others, but to make myself feel comfortable, put together. my ed is so much about control, so putting stock into helpful behaviors helps me feel it in a much more low stakes way.

having fun again. my goodness, in the thick of it i can romanticize it all i want, but i was so! miserable! not to hate on past me but i had no friends! i was convinced (still can be) that i'm not good enough yet, i just need to wait longer until i'm perfect. and things are less than ideal in some ways, but i have friends! i do things! i'm writing, i do fun makeup looks, i have a (very atypical) sense of style!

i can say all of this, but i volley between relapse and recovery every hour. more so, maybe. that's just. how it is right now. it's been a part of my life for so long, and i need to acknowledge it will take me a lot longer to get through. i have addiction in my genes, but there's always another day. another chance.

getting analytical about eds is hard, because it's something so explainable in how in manifests but so. fucking illogical in all actuality. eating disorders make no sense!!! to anyone on the outside. there are so many little rules and compulsions, safety and dangers. i don't care about how other people's bodies look, it doesn't change my attraction or how much respect them. i know so much about fatphobia and beauty standards all of these horrible things it all comes from, i'm politically so tied to fighting against it. that's what's so illogical about it. i've heard many people echo the sentiment of "but it's different with me", and by the way no i haven't figured out how to get out of that one yet!

90% of recovery accounts are not good for me!!

if my ed is illogical, then screw it. i'll be illogical right back at it! oh, these bad thoughts i'm having? what if ben shapiro was saying them to me instead? i'm much less likely to fall victim to my own thoughts if i make myself think it's blaire white shouting them while calling me a special snowflake. checkmate baybee

reaffirming that yes. this is a thing im going through. i've struggled, i'm struggling and thats a big deal! if you invalidate what you're going through, you're much more likely to just let it keep going because it isn't "bad enough". it is, and it will be, just not forever.

[celestialmp4]

I'm a little confused about your dd post... would you mind elaborating? Do you think that some things should not be written about? I'm just trying to understand your pov.

It's kinda complicated. Also I'm sorry this is going to be really long....

(A quick note, I know I can't stop anyone. No matter how I feel, others are going to make what they want and I have no control over that. I never get into fights, I just make an effort to not interact with people who make content that makes me uncomfortable and I encourage others to do the same.)

The base idea that anything should be on the table in fiction is something I agree with on certain conditions. Art has power and it can influence real life decisions and real people's perceptions on life. All art makes a statement, purposeful or not. Real life atrocities should be written and presented with dignity and care. It's unfair and ridiculous to say that upsetting parts of our world shouldn't be put in art. The problem that I have is how these topics are presented.

I feel like most fics are made to entertain and indulge, both for the writer and readers. This isn't limited to fluff fics. There's a lot of fics with upsetting content that are made just to indulge. Why I call it weirdo shit is because making content of heavy taboos, those with rightful disdain in society, just for entertainment is strange.

My opinion here is not limited to fanfiction. If a creator makes art with heavy subjects (rape, pedophilia, incest) I feel like it should be treated with care and be portrayed as something negative. It's dangerous to have real life traumas as neutral or positive thing. Having rape in story to titilate is disgusting. Having pedophilic relationships shown in the same light as lifetime romcom is gross.

Again art does not exist in a vacuum. I'm not saying that looking at taboos will make you become a predator. But art can desensitize. Free, easily accessible work can be used as a grooming tactic.

Going past that, I feel like the work someone makes says something about them. Again it may not be me a clear one to one. Making taboo content in a cutesy way is weird and concerning.

Back to fanfiction/ fanwork: A lot of fic authors are not the next Vladimir Nabokov, nor are they trying to be. They're not making fics to provoke or even discomfort. It's to get off to, and to have other people online also to get off to. And that's where I have problems.

The shield point comes from a lot of creators using "you shouldn't look at if you don't like it. Why'd you look at if if you hate. It's just fiction and you're making a big deal out of this drawing/fic/ etc." when others bring up their problems with the art/ community.

I guess my main point is that I hate how people wave off their work as just a piece of art and it can't be questioned because it's just fiction. Countless people have brought up how romanticized work has been used to groom them. I think at the least rape and pedophilia should be portrayed as bad because it is. If you can get off to it or use to convince someone that it's fine, that's not good. I wish people would look in themselves and ask why they want to make the content they do.

Edit: I'm done!

[lolliesinthewind]

Behind Closed Doors

ambiguous character x black!reader

Content Warnings: Intimidation, Non-con, Forced Orgasm(s), Dumbification, Oral Sex (m. and fem. receiving), Slapping, Unprotected Sex, and Underage Sex. Mentions of bullying

i fucked around with this one

minors read this shit

(A/N: Please don't romanticize this. This is only for funsies and none of this is real.) 

(A/N: 🐺🐺 = smut part.)

First Person POV:

Fear.

Fear is something I've always felt. It’s something that I am at this point ever since he came to my school.

It was the start of 7th grade when he came to my school, at first he didn't notice me and hung around the 'popular' kids. A lot of the girls in my class had a crush and at one point I did too but my crush on him quickly disappeared when I saw him slap one of my classmates in the hallway at lunch. He saw me in that hallway and he has been tormenting me since then.

At first, it was nothing I couldn't deal with like purposely bumping into me, stealing my pencils, and shutting my Chromebook. But then it escalated in 8th grade, he started to trip me on the concrete in front of the school, talk about me to his friends, and pull on my hair. In 9th grade it got worse, he'd talk to my friends and got them to leave me alone, he'd spread rumors about me, and he somehow found my social media and began cyber bullying me.

It’s now 11th grade and he has bullied me for the past five years. My depression and anxiety have become a permanent part of me. I've since deactivated my socials, I've also begun binge eating to deal with my depression, and started to wear oversized clothing to cover myself so no one can comment about my weight but they still do.

When I woke up this morning it was a normal day for me, I got up, took a shower, did my skincare routine, did my hair, and got dressed for school. Looking at my form in the mirror I was pleased despite his words I still thought of myself as beautiful. The long flowy black skirt looked great on me with the black long-sleeved shirt I wore under my oversized white and gray band tee. Slipping on my black platforms, I grabbed my backpack and went out the door.

As soon as I walked into the school I heard whispers, they never really bothered me but I just wished they talked about something else other than me. Slipping on my earphones I blasted music to block them out. Avoiding HIM was something that I was good at; taking the stairs on the far ends of the school, being the first out of class and the last one in, walking faster than half of the track team, and delving myself into the background.

For the most part, it worked, I found comfort in the fact that he wasn't around me and degrading me on every little thing that shouldn't matter to him. But today I couldn't shake the feeling that something terrible was going to happen. The back of my head tingles throughout the day and somehow I could never shake the feeling.

At lunch I went to the bathroom on the far end of the school, usually, nobody went there. It was my safe space. Sitting in the handicap stall I was eating the lunch I prepared when I heard someone come into the restroom. They went in and out of a stall then I heard someone else come in, and soon I heard what I think was crying then mumbles as a stall door opened. I stayed quiet and still, till I heard what was two people having sex. Slowly getting up and grabbing my stuff I walked as quietly as I can out of that restroom.

Finally, inside the hallway, I took a deep breath, "Them niggas are nasty, in a restroom, especially at a school one” I thought in disgust as I shook my head. Walking up the hallway I was sad that my hiding spot was compromised because some two McNasties wanted to have sex. Checking the time it was already time for 5th hour. " You know what, Ima just mind my business and go about my day," I said to myself and that’s what I did.

I went about my day, doing my usual routine of avoiding him. It worked and I haven't seen him at all today except when I'm in class. The school was finally over and I was almost out the front doors when I remembered I had a club after school, turning around I sped walked to the club room. Opening the door I walked in, the lights were off and nobody was there. Checking my school email just in case, the teacher said there was no club today. Groaning I turned around again and fought the air in frustration, shuffling towards the door I opened but was pushed back inside.

Stumbling back into a table I looked at who pushed me, it was him. My eyes widen as I saw him shut the door and lock it, I snapped my head away from him and looked at the floor, I was frozen in fear as many thoughts went through my head like what does he want with me, I didn't do anything to provoke him I think, or what did I do? Hearing his footsteps coming towards me I saw his bright white Air Force 1s in my peripheral vision. I felt his breath on my left ear, immediately squeezing my eyes shut to try and block him out.

"You think you can avoid me, huh?" He whispered into my ear, still frozen in fear I couldn't move.

"Answer. Me." He harshly whispered again. Shaking my head no, the sound of my hair beads clacking together filled my ears.

"Why have you been avoiding me?" He said normally but this time it was filled with more venom than the last other times and slightly deeper. Stumbling over my words I couldn't make a coherent sentence.

"Since you can't talk properly, I'll talk for you, I think you're avoiding me because you have a crush on me." I could hear the smile on him when he said that. My eyes widened even more as I turned to look at him.

“No I don't, who said that?" I stuttered out nervously laughing at the end. Finally noticing how close we were, I took a step back bumping into a chair, I looked down at my leg looking right back up as I heard his laugh. Slowly moving around the table putting some distance between us.

"Me, I think you do, you let me do whatever I want to you and you never say a thing about. Like a doll." He said leaning over the table.

"Well I don't, so please leave me alone," I told him, putting a little base in my voice, my eyes flickering between him and the door. Noticing my eye movements he jumped over the table as I ran across the room around the other tables. As I got close to the door I felt his hands grab the side of my head and slam me into the hard wall. Feeling dazed as my ears rang, he pulled my hair making me look up at him.

🐺🐺"If you stayed right where you were this would've been better for you, I would've been nicer but now I don't want to." He said, shaking my head and then letting it go. Still looking up at him I just sat there in utter terror as I watched him unbuckle his belt and open his pants. The tears that filled my eyes were now falling down my face. Even though I didn't want to touch him ever, I knew that if I didn't comply he would get violent and I wouldn't be able to win that fight.

Squeezing my eyes close, I heard the rustling of clothes and soon felt his hand pull on my braids hard. "Open your fucking eyes." He said while tugging on my braids again. As a quiet sob racked through my body, I couldn't bring myself to do what he said.

"Open.Them." He commanded pulling my braids again but this time he got a small squeak from me. Trembling I opened my eyes, my sight blurred by my tears but still, I saw him holding his dick in my face, and by just looking at I sobbed harder. Looking up at his face I could see him smile then bite his lip as he nudged my lips with his tip like he was saying 'open up’.

Taking a deep breath shakily I opened my mouth slowly as I did he thrust hard into my mouth. My eyes widen I gripped his thighs to push him back but he instead placed his hands on the sides of my head and proceeds to fuck himself into my mouth. With every thrust I could feel him touching the back of my throat I was disgusted by him.

Moans filled the air as he fucked my mouth for what it felt like forever, "Fucking hell," he grumbled as I felt his dick throb. Pulling his dick back slightly he thrust himself deeply making me gag as I slapped his thighs so I could breathe. Looking up I saw him hunched over with his eyes closed tight and that’s when he finally came. Ropes of his cum filled my mouth, even more, he opened his eyes and we made contact. He chuckled at that.

Softly slapping my face he pulled out of me shuffling back, "That felt good, I might have to do that with you some more, how about that huh?" He said, smiling down at me.

"Are you done, can I leave?" My voice rasped taking in deep breaths as my tears dried up.

Shaking his head no with furrowed eyebrows, "You thought we were done with this, I have a great opportunity to do what I've always wanted to do, plus I haven't even gotten started." Chuckling as he said that.

'I want to kill him, I want him to die but if I don't comply I can get seriously hurt. Even though I probably weigh more than him, he's stronger than me by a long shot and curse him for being in football. Just go along and this will be over soon.' I thought while clenching my fist, I felt his eyes on me as I stared straight into the wall.

"Stand up," he commanded again. My eyes snapped to him then to the ground, I leaned onto the wall pulling myself up from the floor, grabbing my arm he dragged me over to the table I bumped into earlier, pushing me to lie back on the table. Standing in between my legs he began to rub my sides, staring at the ceiling, my body trembling as he pulled my shirt up over my push-up bra. Leaning down he started to kiss his way up my pudgy stomach to my breast, grasping my tit in his hand he took it out of the bra and began sucking on it, harshly.

Gasping at his touch I gripped the sides of the table to solidify myself, using his hands he put them under my skirt grabbing the back of my thighs pushing them onto the table and scrunching my skirt up around my waist.

"Raise your hips," I did as he said as I squeezed my eyes shut to prepare myself for what to come next. He ripped my panties, making me swallow a small sob, I tried to hold in my tears.

Wet. That is what I felt. Snapping my eyes back open I sat up and looked down to see him sitting down in a chair with his hands holding my thighs open.

"What are you doing?" I stuttered out.

Raising an eyebrow he said "I'm prepping you, you thought I was gonna go in all ruthless and shit? I'm mean but not that mean baby. Now lie down and enjoy."

"Wait, wait, hold on-" my words turned into moans as he sucked on my clit, I hunched over grabbing his hair with one hand and leaning on the other one. My moans grew louder as he licked the inside of my cunt. Moving one of his hands over my soft stomach to my breast he grasped my tit, rolling my nipple in between his finger pulling on it when he felt like it.

Still tongue fucking I felt his thumb rub 8's on my clit making my back arch and moan even louder. Feeling pleasure like this course through my body was very very good but I remembered it was him doing this too, so I tried to stifle my sounds. My breath grew heavy as I felt an orgasm coming.

Trying to hold in my orgasm I began to let out small no's. I guess by hearing my words he started to go faster with his movements adding even more pressure to the coil that was turning inside of me. My efforts to hold in my orgasm were all for nothing. Feeling a wave of pleasure wash over me, I came harshly letting out a semi-quiet squeal as I did.

Coming down from my orgasm I thought that was all and he was going to take me but I was wrong, so so wrong. He didn't stop even after I started to hit his head. I tried to pull him away from in between but he never budged. Continuing even after my 2nd orgasm, I was overstimulated and sensitive as tears filled my eyes once again because of that.

After the 3rd one he finally pulled away from in between my legs, standing up he looked at my heaving form and smiled.

"You taste so good baby, I wonder what you feel like on the inside, hmm?" He said while the hand that was rubbing my clit was now circling my hole slowly and his other hand moved from my tit to the table so he could lean on it. Leaning down even more he began kissing and sucking on my neck leaving hickeys in his wake.

Sinking his finger into me, it hurt less than I thought it would. As my cunt adjusted to his finger it was long and rough. Moving in and out slowly going fast, he lifted his head from my neck and peered into my eyes, his face emotionless. It was unsettling, to say the least. My moans grow loud with curse words slipping out every once in a while.

Adding another in me, he started to spread his fingers while keeping the same pace, making me hiss from the burn. Suddenly he stopped and began to do slow strokes, curling his finger while doing so, hitting a spot that made my hips buck and also made my eyes roll back as I let out a very loud moan. My overstimulated body couldn't handle and I came holding his wrist to try and stop but he instead rubbed my clit then slapped as I squirted.

Sobering up I saw him sitting back in the chair stroking himself with one hand watching my puffy cunt. " Ima fuck you now." He said gruffly, now on his feet, he pulled me to the end of the table and sat me up. My eyes widened once again at his words, my body quivering. I took a breath and leaned my head on his shoulder, clutching onto his grey jacket. Even though I was sobbing on the inside, it had to happen so I leave as fast as I could.

"You'll be fine, I got you. It will feel good baby." He whispered, grabbing my ankle and putting it on his shoulder, the position made my hip burn. Widening his stance he pulled me closer to him. One handheld the back of my neck and the other held his dick that was in between my pussy lips rubbing it up and down.

I could feel his hot breath on my neck as he slipped inside of me. I thought there was going to be more pain but I guess him playing with my pussy helped him. The more he went in the fuller I felt and when he was fully in I could feel my pussy struggling to take him, I felt so full. Breathing harder my eyes blurred and I couldn't clench around him.

" Fuck you're so tight baby, it seems like you can't take dick either." He groaned out, chuckling after. Grabbing my other ankle he put it on his other shoulder, now with my ankles on each shoulder. He picked me up by my ass pulling me against him. Scared of being dropped I wrapped my arms around his neck on instinct and I squeaked because I could feel his tip pressing flush against my cervix making my eyes cross.

"There we go, right -fuck- you feel so good, I'ma start movin' right now." He cooed, his voice strained. Not wanting to say a word to him I just dug my head into his shoulder wanting this to be done. Lifting me, our breaths hitched together, dropping me back down, a sigh left my mouth and a moan left him. He did the same thing as me and put his head on my shoulder.

Repeating his movements, his moans grew louder and my sighs turned into moans. His tip hitting my cervix with every drop, I couldn't comprehend what was going on, his words sounding muffled as I focused on the pleasure and nothing else. One particular drop made my back arch and a high-pitched whine came out of me.

Stopping he whispered in my ear, "So that’s where your soft spot is." Restarting, he moved faster this time and began thrusting harder as well, making my head trickle into a lust-filled haze.

The sound of squelching and skin slapping filled the air mixing in with our moans. It would've been a beautiful sound if it wasn't with him. His grip would surely leave bruises I thought as I leaned my head back with tears streaming down my face. Heat covered my entire body.

“I’ma cum -shit-.” I stammered out. Pulling out right before I can, he stumbled to a table against the wall. He set my feet down on the ground and turned me around, bending me over he put his hand on my back to keep me in place. Sliding his dick back into me making me whimper out, he took his hand off my back and grabbed my arms with both hands. Starting with a deep thrust he began to pound himself into me. I was gasping for air because of his thrust and I couldn't take anymore and came for the nth time with a low groan. The sound of skin slapping together became louder.

Stars spotted my vision as I came down from my high. The edge of the table digging into my stomach was the only I felt beside him, there were no more tears for me to cry as my mind became a mess of jumbled words just like my mouth. The only words that came out of were too much as I kept coming and he didn't not once. He hadn't said a word, only making noises. It felt I was with an animal instead of a man. Neither was better than the other.

As my knees buckled he wrapped an arm around my waist and shoulder leaving mine to fall to my sides. His thrust started to get sloppier than they had been. Slowing down he took a step back, pulling me down with him as he fell to his knees. Hunching himself over me, he repeated his pace from before.

" 'I'm gonna come baby." He said breathily, nuzzling his head into my neck as he clumsily moved down my body to rub my clit. Feeling another one coming I began to sob as I knew I couldn't take anymore. Stuttered no's leaving my drool-covered lips, slowing down he took one more thrust and pulled out coming on my ass. A low groan left him as he did and I came with what I had left. Sleepiness covered my entire being, I tried to stay awake but I wasn't strong enough and I passed out.

Opening my eyes I couldn't see much as my eyes adjusted to the dark, becoming more aware of my surroundings I realized I was in my room and I was in different clothing too. Sitting up I reached for my lamp and turned it out, looking around my room nothing was out of place. It was dark outside and I was in the nightgown I wore last night with my bonnet on my head. Reaching for my phone on the nightstand and the time said 3:13.

"It was a nightmare. Thank god." I said out loud. Grabbing a half drank water I chugged the rest of it before falling back to sleep. Not noticing the grey jacket that was on the end of my bed or the figure that sat in my chair in the corner.

I wished I did.

[theravenclawlover]

The Silence of the Witch

Pairing: James Potter x Bi!Female!Reader x Bi!Lily Evans

Summary: It's your seventh and last year at Hogwarts and you want to live it to its fullest; even if that includes giving in to your girlfriend's request to invite a certain Marauder to join in during sex...

Warnings: +18, smut, language, mentions of poly relationships, open relationship concept, bisexuality (is this even a warning? it shouldn't), teasing, voyeurism, really kinky, the reader is kind of a dom here, slight dom/sub, and my English as usual.

Word Count: 8550

A/N: Okay, so for the last round of votes I did after the Twins' series, Wolfstar and Jily tied, so I chose to write about the latter. I really wanted to write it! I mean if I get to write Lily as reader's girlfriend, I'll take those chances. My bi ass would not forgive itself if I didn't. Also, I know that this might be romanticizing or even normalizing straight men turned on by 'lesbian/gay sex', but I personally find it arousing to be in these types of situations, so I did not have an issue writing this. If you do, I'm sorry that you do, and please ignore this and don't read it. If it is not your cup of tea, don't drink it.

“This is going to be the most exhilarating year yet.”

“And why is that, Prongs?” Sirius asked as he leaned back against the headboard of his bed.

“Because, Pads, this is the year.” James, who had been digging out his pajamas from his trunk, stood tall and glanced at his friends, “This is the year that Evans finally says yes!”

“I thought the last five years were the years she would,” Remus grinned as James sent a quick glare his way before he proceeded to change for the night.

The infamous Marauders found themselves in their dorm room after the new year’s grand ceremony. It had been bittersweet to say the least as it was their last time witnessing the sorting, the last time they would say ‘Merlin, it feels good to be back,’ and the last year they had to see James make a fool of himself before they were to face the looming war. Granted, James had changed a lot over the summer, he had gone through some experiences that allowed him to grow into a man he liked, and hopefully so would Lily Evans.

But Lily Evans had also changed during the summer.

Just like the Marauders talked and laugh about what’s to come this last year at Hogwarts, Marlene McKinnon, Alice Fortescue, Mary McDonald, Lily Evans, and you laughed and talked about the new year.

“I’m so ready to see Potter’s newest attempts to get little miss Evans’ attention this year,” Marlene said as she laid on her bed, legs crossing as her feet touched the bed.

“Oh, I don’t think anything can top last year’s grand departure,” you said as you glanced at the red-headed girl who only rolled her eyes at the laughs your comment had brought.

“Please, don’t remind me,” she groaned as she threw her head on your lap. “I will never be able to touch glitter without remembering that stupid howler.”

“Oh, come on, it was cute,” you looked down at her as she glared up at you. “You looked so cute with your embarrassed face, the way you were trying so hard not to cuss half of the English dictionary his way, and let’s not forget how the glitter made you look like Thinker Bell.”

Mary laughed at your last comment, as she—like you and Lily—was a muggleborn.

Lily only glared all the more as her roommates broke into laughter when Mary explained to them what a ‘thinker bell’ was, but she soon blushed when your eyes caught her green ones.

This past summer, you and Lily had spent it together since the minute it started as Lily had asked her parents if she could do so, with the promise of spending her last week before the last year with them. And in that time, things had changed with her best friend. There had been so much laughter, so many memories to cherish as you two spent the summer mostly out of the house, and when you were in the house, the memories were ones that brought Lily a massive blush on her pale cheeks and a feeling of need between her long legs.

“I’m tired, so I’m off to bed. Do not make much ruckus, will ya?” Dorcas said as she changed into her loose pajama pants and top. Everyone seemed to agree as they yawned and nodded along with words of agreement.

Soon enough, the Gryffindors’ had all fallen into a deep slumber as the prospects of the new year was only hours away.

°°°°°°

The Great Hall was lively as students eat and converse during their first morning together. It seemed everyone was in high spirits as even those students that were chewing their food trying not to fall asleep seemed to be happy.

By the time the students had received their timetables, all students were awake and ready to start their day. Which included James Potter’s need to impress Lily Evans.

Marlene, while she had been complaining how her Divination lessons were going to be the death of her, she took noticed how the loud voices of the four infamous Gryffindors were carrying over. She rolled her eyes as Sirius barked a laugh at something one of his mates had said.

“Oi, Black! Quiet down will ya? I cannot even hear my own thoughts,” she said as she gave him a fake smile.

Sirius, who had stopped his laughter, gave the woman a sly smirk.

“My apologies, Marlene, I know it’s hard for you to think, so I’ll keep my volume to the minimum,” replied the man. James let out a snort as Marlene’s mouth dropped at the insult.

“Real mature,” quipped Lily with her usual condescending tone, “both of you are children.”

“Oh, come on, Evans. It’s all in good fun,” defended Sirius as he gave a dashing smile that he knew never worked on Evans or you for that matter.

But before Lily could explain to Sirius and James—who had laughed—the latter man interrupted the bickering that could have happened.

“You’re right, Lily. I’m sorry Marlene that Sirius here still has the humor of a second year.”

Everyone was looking at James as if the man had sprouted a second head without his knowledge. Sirius looked scandalized, Remus had stopped his spoon mid-way toward his mouth, Peter looked confused, while you and the rest of the girls looked at James with incredulity.

“Umm, uh, it’s alright, Potter. I know Sirius can be a git, so it’s all good,” said Marlene. She gave a small smile.

You broke from your confusion before everyone else, and you were about to question Potter for his unusual defense of Marlene when you noticed how James’ eyes kept shifting to Lily’s. It took you a second to catch on, but soon you realized that he had agreed with Lily in hopes to impress her with his attempt to show some maturity. You almost laughed at the realization but the students getting up from their seats announced that it was time to head to lessons.

And so, quietly, you all did.

And James Potter’s attempts did not end with that first morning.

As the term went by, everyone in the unconventional friend group noticed that James’ usual grand attempts to impress Lily had dwindled down to agreeing with her, trying to not disrupt lessons as much as he used to along Sirius, walking next to her and talking about things they had in common, and the occasional romantic gesture of transfiguring things into flowers—and he was cliché enough to give her lilies. Everyone was impressed with how James had gone from a first-class jerk to a complete gentleman. His friends mocked his behavior at first, but soon they were more than willing to help him set up meetings so that Lily and he could talk without ears near them. The whole seventh-year class was betting on when they were going to go on their first date. People were loving it. But not you.

You were livid. Lily was your girlfriend, but no one knew about it. Neither of you was ashamed of being who you were. Both of you were into men and women alike, but you both understood that not everyone was open-minded. Thus, your relationship was a secret. This is why no one knew that whenever you dragged Lily to the restrooms was not to fix hairdos or makeup, but to push her against the wall and steal her breath away. It was that or making her gasp and moan your name while your fingers fucked her cunt until she could barely stand straight.

Something told you that Lily was loving your inability to keep your jealousy at bay, but at the same time there was something in the back of your head that told you that Lily was looking at James with eyes she had never done before. And the thought alone led you to make Lily squirm and quiver under you when no one was in the dorm.

It wasn’t until mid-November that things took a sharp turn.

“Hey, Evans!”

You and Lily had been walking to the library when Potter came out of nowhere. You both stopped to look at the man jog closer, and you swore Lily’s smile was the brightest she had ever given him. Which he took notice of as he suddenly seemed flustered.

“Umm, uh, can I talk to you for a second? In private?” he asked as he gave you both a smile.

You were about to tell him off with an excuse that you needed to study when Lily spoke first.

“Sure!” said Lily as she turned to you, “I’ll meet you at the library, Y/n. I’ll just be a minute.”

Your eye twitched as you glared at your girlfriend. She gave you one pleading smile before you opted to give her a fake smile to then walk toward the library. On your way there, you had come up with about twenty ways to murder James and how to hide his body.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” asked Lily after she was sure you had gone. She didn’t want you hearing whatever corny thing Potter wanted to tell her. Not like she opposed much these days.

“Well, as you know, our last Hogsmeade trip is in about two weeks and I was wondering if you would like to go out with me?” asked James with a charming smile, hopeful eyes, and an erratic beating heart.

And Lily’s heart was in the same state as James awaited a response from the redhead. Lily let out a shaky breath before she grabbed his hand and pulled him aside where she was sure no one could see them or hear them.

James looked confused as Lily seemed to have lost some color on her face, leading him to do just about the same.

“Look, I’m sorry for asking,” started James as he looked at his feet.

“No, don’t worry about that, it’s uh, it’s complicated.” Lily bit her lip trying to let down the boy who she had learned to like, which she hated to admit. But he needed the truth, he didn’t deserve to be led on by her like she had been doing. Granted, she had liked the new James, but she was dating you, and she wouldn’t do anything to actually hurt you.

“Look, James. This term you’ve proven to me that you have changed into a person I can say that I like—” James smiled, but soon it dropped, “—but I also changed. I learned things about myself that I was too afraid to let out, but I’ve never felt so like myself until I decided to be me.”

“I don’t, umm, you lost me,” said James as he tried to see how her changing did anything to affect the ability to properly let him down or go out with him.

Lily rolled her eyes and bit her bottom lip.

“I’m dating somebody,” she whispered to him. James swore his mouth went dry. He shook his head as if his brain couldn’t grasp her words.

“Wait, so you’ve been dating some guy and you haven’t said a word? Gee, Evans. A little heads up would have been nice.” James couldn’t help to be a little annoyed at the situation at hand, Lily had never acted as if she was taken, yet she had limited her interactions whenever he pulled a romantic gesture.

“It’s not like I have to tell you about my personal life, Potter,” said Lily hotly.

“You do when you have a boyfriend and lead me on as if you are interested in me!”

Lily glared at him for what felt like minutes when in reality both of them glared at each other for about ten seconds before Lily broke away first.

“I’m sorry, okay? You just finally started acting like a decent person, so I liked getting to know this renewed James Potter,” she said.

After a moment of silence, James broke the awkward air.

“So…is it anyone I know?”

Lily looked at him questionably. He rolled his eyes.

“Your boyfriend?” he said with a teasing grin.

Lily felt her face redden at the gaze of the man. James kept on assuming she was dating a boy when in reality she was dating you, a girl. But she was not about to tell him that.

“Shut up, I have to go. Y/n is waiting for me.” With that, she left.

But those two weeks that followed after her talk with James had been hard for Lily. After Lily had gone to the library in search of you, you were long gone. You hadn’t even gone to the library as it seemed your jealousy had raised to a level that only anger seemed to be found. After Lily had found you in your dorm, alone, she had guiltily fessed up to what James had wanted to talk about, which led to you stonily asking for what she had said to Potter. Lily explained everything, including how James had taken the news that she was dating somebody. You had somewhat calmed down when Lily had turned him down, but little did you know that the night was far from over as Lily had decided to have a heart-to-heart talk with you not even five minutes later.

What you hadn’t expected was Lily’s confession that she had wanted to say yes to Potter’s invitation. The talk had been one that took over a whole week to process on your part. Lily had admitted to you, her girlfriend, that she had wanted to go out with someone else. At first, you had taken that as Lily’s way of saying she wanted to break things off, but to your surprise, she had assured you that she loved you and that you were always going to be hers and the other way around. She just also happened to feel strong feelings toward James. The first week had been you wrapping your head around the idea of Lily being infatuated with James, and Lily spent that whole week reassuring you that she loved you whenever you were willing to actually listen to her without you replying with snarky comments.

The week after that had been about you finally coming to terms that maybe Lily was still understanding things about her, and maybe you were coming to terms with your own personal wants.

There were things that sometimes you needed to try to see if you were okay with that, and Remus Lupin had told you that when you explained to him what was bothering you during one of your many study sessions that week. He was clueless about what it all was, but he understood enough to manage to give you good enough advice.

And so, the day before the last trip to Hogsmeade, Lily approached James Potter with high spirits.

“Hey Potter!” shouted Lily as she jogged toward him. He was sitting with Sirius and Remus underneath a big tree.

Sirius, who had been talking with James, smirked toward James. He pushed Sirius away as he smiled up at Lily as she approached him.

“Evans,” James smiled brighter, “nice seeing you.”

“Yeah, umm, can I talk to you for a second?” she asked, a sudden batch of nervousness overcoming her.

“Sure,” replied James. But seeing that she was smiling at him and not saying anything, he understood that she had meant in private.

“Oh,” he looked back at his friends, “I’ll be right back.”

After they walked a little further away, Lily turned to face him.

“I’ll make this quick, Potter. Tomorrow, after everyone’s gone to Hogsmeade, go to my dorm room. The stairs won’t be a problem, so just go straight for my dorm room,” said Lily in a hushed rapid whisper. James looked at her with wide eyes, but before he could ask for some explanation, she spoke again.

“No, don’t ask questions. Just show up, and then decide whatever you want,” she turned to leave, but then she turned back around, “and don’t tell a soul about this, Potter, or I will hex you.”

She left, and James was left to wonder what in the hell Lily had prepared for him.

The next day, everyone awoke with high spirits as the day ahead of them promised a fun time. In the dorm where the Marauders were getting ready to leave, Sirius noticed that his best mate seemed to be awfully distracted.

“You alright, Prongs?” he asked with a teasing grin, one that rarely left his face. James looked at his friend and smiled.

“Of course I’m alright, why wouldn’t I be?” he said with a dismissive wave.

“Since your talk with Evans yesterday, you’ve been acting a little weird,” added Remus as he grabbed his house scarf. He was excited to finally get some more chocolate as his current stash was getting smaller.

“No, I haven’t,” James exclaimed.

“Yes, you have,” shot back all the other three marauders in unison. James only rolled his eyes. He hadn’t come up with an excuse to not go to Hogsmeade with his mate, and he could only hope that if he dared disappeared, they wouldn’t go looking for him.

At las, he managed to do just that. Right before he was out of the gates, he told them that his stomach had started to feel funny which had earned him confused looks because he had been completely fine minutes before. Nonetheless, he told them to head to Hogsmeade while he went to the restroom with the promise to meet them at the Three Broomsticks if he felt any better. Peter had shrugged and taken the excuse without any doubt to James’ words, but Remus and Sirius had an inkling that his sudden stomachache had to do with his talk with Lily.

After James had rid of his friends, he rushed back to Gryffindor Tower where he almost tripped when his feet caught on the stairs up to the girls’ dormitories. Once he was in front of Lily’s door, he inhaled deeply and exhaled as he knocked.

He was met with silence. James’ hands started to sweat, thinking that Lily had pulled a mean joke on him when her voice called him to come in.

With sweaty palms, he did. He opened the door to see Lily sitting on her bed, and right next to her was you.

“Umm, hi,” he said with an unsure smile.

“Close the door, Potter,” you said as you glared at him. It wasn’t a death glare, but it wasn’t one that could assure James that you wouldn’t curse him.

James closed the door, but he was too nervous to even ask if he could sit somewhere.

“You don’t have to stand there. Go ahead, you can take a sit on my chair,” you said while pointing at the black velvety chair you had next to your bed which was across Lily’s. He sat with cautious steps. He was more nervous than before, after all, he hadn’t expected to see you. But in all honestly, he wasn’t sure what to expect after Lily’s vague directions.

James sat, he swore his heart was beating faster than usual, his palms were shaking, and there was a voice in his head telling him to get out, yet his legs were going numb.

You noticed how nervous he looked which made you grin a little while you turned to look at Lily. She had a stoic face, but her body gave away how nervous she was too. It seemed that you were the only one who was feeling relax, which was odd as Lily had been the one to plan this; she had been the one to ask you to let this happen.

“James,” the man flinched as you called his name. Your voice, although relatively soft, was loud in the quiet room, “did Lily tell you why you’re here?”

He only shook his head. You rolled your eyes and looked at your girlfriend.

“You didn’t even give him a hint to what you planned for today?” you asked. She shrugged her shoulders.

“I told him to come to my room after everyone was gone, I was sure I was being obvious, Y/n.” She rolled her eyes. You huffed at her and turned back to see James, who still looked nervous.

“Do you have an inkling as to why you were invited here today?” you asked him. James shifted on his spot and nodded his head. Like for the umpteenth time, you rolled your eyes. “Use your words, Potter.”

“Um—” he swallowed hard, “—at first I didn’t think much of it, but then, last night, it kinda hit me that Lily had meant, umm, sex. But then I remembered that she has a boyfriend and decided that it was not that.”

He felt his face redden after his words came out, it seemed that saying them aloud had him feeling stupid. You only nodded your head.

“Well, she did mean sex. And she does not have a boyfriend, Potter,” you said the last part almost with a hint of annoyance which Lily picked up. She stifled a giggle at seeing how the word alone made your right eye twitch.

“But she—” started James practically glaring at Lily. You raised your hand to stop him.

“She doesn’t have a boyfriend, but she is taken, Potter.” You knew you were being unnecessarily mysterious, but how many times can one person get to have a quiet and flushed Potter in front of them?

“You see Lily and I are together, as in we’re girlfriends,” you said slowly. You saw how James’ eyes practically bulged at the news; his mouth went dry and partly agape.

“I know, shocking,” you said while making jazz hands, “I know Lily failed to mention that detail in your many chats this term, which is why this situation is a rather complex one.”

“How so?” James struggled to say.

“Well, for one, Lily asked you to join her tonight for a chance to sleep with her. Honestly, it’s beyond me why she couldn’t think of any other activity that might require intimacy other than sex,” you said as you gave your girlfriend a look of annoyance, yet it was endearing, “I suggested a romantic picnic to let you know her little secret and all, but she changed subjects and convinced me that I should open my mind to the idea of a threesome.”

If James were to have been drinking anything, he was sure he would have spit it out, which is why he only managed to choke on his own spit.

“Breathe, James,” you said as you stood from your spot and walked toward him, “look, I know it is a rather complicated offer as we are just throwing you all of this information in hopes that you will come up with an answer soon.”

“It’s not that, I just, why, umm why?” James couldn’t understand why he had been asked to come here in the first place if you two were a thing. Which you understood as his eyes kept looking back and forth, especially as Lily seemed to be just as nervous as him.

“Well, isn’t it obvious, Potter? Lily finally fancies you the way you fancy her,” you said with a devilish grin, “I thought it obvious by now. After all, I would have assumed that my distaste for you this term was clear and that maybe you figured out that I was jealous that she was actually enjoying your company and actually sought it out.”

James looked back at Lily who only gave him a sweet smile, he turned back to look at you as you showed a surprising new dominance. He knew you to be like Remus, quiet, studious, nice, but capable of being quick-witted and with a sharp tongue. But this was new, even Remus who fancied you, would be surprised to see you now.

“Trust me, It wasn’t easy to digest hearing my girlfriend confess that she likes a boy she swore she hated,” you said as you stood next to James, giving Lily a smile, “after that, she reassured me that she loved me, nonetheless. Granted, I didn’t believe a word from her after that, you know being jealous and angry doesn’t let you think straight. But I came around, after all, we are new to this dating thing, sure I’ve had partners before but not an actual relationship, especially since it’s not common for two witches to date, let alone be attracted to both men and women alike.”

James looked at you with a raised eyebrow. You rolled your eyes and gave him a wolfish smile.

“If you think I like you as Lily does, you are so mistaken, love,” you said while you grabbed his chin. Both your faces were so close that if Lily leaned to the left she could pretend you two had just kissed.

“I don’t fancy you, James, but I must admit that you are quite handsome.”

You let go of his chin and walked toward the middle of the room.

“So, given that Lily is shaking as much a Pettigrew when you catch him sneaking around, I’ll tell you what we have in mind, and you can decide whatever you want after,” you started. You waited until James nodded his head in understanding before giving him a somewhat soft smile.

“As you now know, Lily and I are together, and we’ve gotten the chance to explore ourselves a lot,” you held back a grin when James fixed his crotch, “that being said, we know what we want. You are here because Lily wants you, James. This means, there is no obligation to interact with me sexually, this is about Lily. But you need to be vocal throughout the whole thing, communication is a must. We don’t normally use a safe word, but for this occasion ‘cucumber’ is the safe word. You can use it too if you think is too much. Are you with me so far?”

“Umm, so Lily and I would be doing stuff while you do what exactly?” asked James.

“You’ll be pleasuring Lily just like I will, if you two want to start it off you can, or I can go first that way Lily is a little more relaxed, and I can join in, or you can after a while. We are experimenting here. This is not my first rodeo, but last time I was the only girl in the room,” you said. James looked at you as if he was seeing you in a new light.

“Alright, go on,” he said to you. You nodded.

“Well, that’s about it. But like I said, communication is key, so you want to do something? ask, and we’ll consider it, and sometimes we might get caught up in the moment, so we can let things happen but any of us can stop it whenever. Now, if you don’t want part of this at all, that’s okay too. But whether you walk out that door after doing it or not doing it, word of this doesn’t get out to anyone. This is between the three of us, and we can discuss it anytime because I’m sure Lily would love nothing more than to do it again if she likes it,” you said with a smile. If James or Lily were to describe the tone you were explaining everything, they would think they were in a lesson learning about charms and whatnot. You were weirdly comfortable with the situation.

“Alright, I’m in,” said James after a minute of silence. He still looked a little nervous which is why he still remained seated. “Umm, you two, umm, can start. I don’t think my body comprehends the situation yet.”

You huffed a laugh before looking back at Lily who nodded at you. With one last glance at James, you walked toward the bed and sat next to her.

You took Lily’s hands and your thumbs rubbed soothing circles on them. Lily let out a shaky breath which you reacted with a smile. Your right hand grabbed a hold of her usually pale cheeks and leaned in for a soft kiss. You could feel the slight hesitation at the small action, but soon, she relaxed into the kiss and didn’t lose time in kissing you back with ardor. Her soft lips were bruising yours the more she sought of you, and you could only grin into the kiss because this was her showing her appreciation for everything you were doing for her.

As the kiss increased in heat, Lily became restless on her spot on the bed, so you grabbed her waist pulled her to your lap. You maneuvered both of you in a position that allowed James a clear view of both of you. Smartly, Lily had chosen to wear a skirt with stockings, and as she sat straddling your lap, you could feel the heat from between her legs. Lily tangled her fingers in your hair, practically pulling your hair as she softly ground into you. You were enjoying the feeling of Lily letting her desire overcome her body as she seemed to be feeling the neediest. Your hands traveled to grab her full butt cheeks, and you received a moan and a slight bite from Lily.

You opened your right eye and from your position, you could see James. His mouth was slightly open, his elbows rested on his knees, and his breathing was hard. You weren’t sure if the man was losing his shit because this was the most cliché thing for a man to get turned on to, or because he was seeing Lily in such sexual state of mind that his brain couldn’t understand that it wasn’t a dream.

You grinned wider and this time your hands went up Lily’s body, and under her shirt. You groaned into the kiss as you realized that Lily had decided to not wear a bra. It’s beyond you how you didn’t notice she had gone braless. You moaned into the kiss as you palmed her small full breasts, feeling the heat her body was radiating.

Finally, Lily pulled back from the kiss after she had decided that air was needed. You took the opportunity to take off her shirt, revealing her breasts to you, and for the most part to James. This time the groan came from the man himself, Lily smiled at the somewhat nice reaction she got and moaned when your mouth started to leave a trail of kisses and bites from her jaw to her neck, to then leave red marks on her chest. Your hands meanwhile palmed her breasts and/or played with her pink-ish nipples. You loved to kiss and bite the spots where her freckles were darker. You loved her freckled body, as it allowed you to explore her body and leave her in a state of pure need for you.

Lily threw her head back when your lips wrapped around one of her hard nipples. Her hands tangled with your hair once again, and this time she opened her eyes to look at James, and this time the man was fully gaping and shifting on his spot a lot more than before. She gave him a naughty grin.

“You can touch yourself, James,” she said, her voice dripping with need as she rocked her hips on your lap and pushed her chest closer to your mouth. You opened your eyes to see Lily looking at James, and you turned your sight to him. James looked back at you as if seeking reassurance, and with a nipple between your lips, you nodded at him.

He let out a shaky sigh, similar to the one Lily had let out earlier, and hesitantly pulled his sweats down to his thighs. His dick sprung out, semi-hard, and Lily’s eyes practically bulged at the sight. You only hummed as the man was already to a good size and he was only semi-hard. Lily knew how to pick them. James grabbed his dick, and with tentative strokes, he pleasured himself to the sight of the girl he’s been pinning for years and her girlfriend. He was sure he was dreaming, and Sirius was about to wake him up and tell him off for making sex noises in his sleep.

Lily was enjoying herself, but she needed more, and you knew that. But you loved it when she begged for more, to be touched in places that on a normal day she would blush before the words could leave her. So, you waited until Lily’s needy moans turned into frustrated noises, to finally become hushed whimpers that swallowed her cute little pleas.

“You have to talk to me, love, otherwise I won’t know what you want,” you whispered on her neck as you bit on the sweet spot she had there. She quivered under your touch.

“I want more, Y/n, please, I want more,” she pleaded as she pulled your hair, thus your head moved back. You looked at her.

“What, Lily? Say it,” you demanded.

“I want—” she bit her lips and looked at you with her lust-filled eyes, “—I want James to be here with us too.”

You grinned at how everything about her screamed lust and need, while her voice still held certain innocence.

“You heard that James?” you looked at him and he nodded his head, a soft reply left his lips before you signal for him, “well, then come here, and take those pants off already.”

James quickly took off his shoes and his pants followed and seeing that wearing a shirt was pointless, he took it off too, leaving him to be the only one naked in the room. He was naked and outnumbered. You removed Lily from your lap and moved her next to you.

“On your knees, Lily,” you said as you stood up from the bed. You stood next to James, who looked almost out of place, and waited for Lily to face you both. Once she did, you took off your long-sleeve dress and threw it behind you, knowing that it piled with James discarded clothes. James glanced at you just like Lily, their eyes on your every move. You did not remove your underwear which caused Lily to pout. You gave her a kiss on the lips before you backed away and looked at James.

“Go ahead, kiss her,” you said to him. He gave you one look and then to Lily who was biting her lip expectingly. James approached her and Lily sat on her knees so he wouldn’t have to bend down so low. Their kiss was hesitant at first, and tentative touches on their faces and arms were just as soft as the kiss. You looked at them and you couldn’t help but feel like they belonged. There was a small pang of jealousy, but you shook it off, after all, you were dating Lily, she loved you and you loved her. So, for Lily, you took a deep breath before you walked around behind her. Their kiss started to increase in heat, but you told Lily to be on her fours before they could continue. She quickly did, her ass to your face and her face was in front of James’ dick. You heard a hiss and looked up to see James looking at Lily; she had grabbed his cock and was stroking him experimentally.

You pushed back Lily’s skirt. You could see the damp spot on her underwear, so you touched it with two of your fingers. Lily let out a whimper at the sensation.

“You’re so wet, love, and all we’ve done kiss,” you said while grabbing a handful of her left asscheek. She shook her ass a bit, and you smirked before landing a swift smack on the free cheek. She let out a yelp, while James let out a gasp. She had gripped him tighter. You massaged her asscheek for a minute before you landed another smack. This time James looked at you while you redden Lily’s ass, his eyes practically were dark behind his glasses.

“Tell me what you’re doing, sweetheart,” you said while toying with Lily’s covered sex. She moaned.

“I’m stroking James’ cock, he is so big. I can’t wrap my hand around him,” she said, her eyes never leaving the cock in front of her. It was totally different from those dildos she had bought to try out. He was warm on her hand, and pulsing, and leaking pre-cum. She was obsessed with it, and she hadn’t even tasted it. She knew you liked sucking dick every once in a while, and she had practiced with the dildos, but she didn’t know where to start now that she had one in front of her.

“How about you suck him off, sweets? But don’t let him cum, work him up nicely, I’m sure James won’t mind if you’re a little sloppy, right James?” you asked while your eyes found his.

“No, I don’t mind,” he replied with a husky tone. He was still nervous, but his own desire was taking over. It was only a matter of minutes before he would find his footing.

Lily nodded her head, reassuring herself that she could do it right, she gave a soft kiss to the tip of James’ cock. He hissed loudly at the contact of her cold lips against his hot tip, but then he was groaning when her lips wrapped around his heavy head.

“Fuck,” he cursed into his palm as his other hand grabbed the redhead’s hair. While Lily sucked and licked James’ cock, you pulled Lily’s underwear down her thighs, and she moved her legs as she helped you get them off. Once they were off, you laid on your back and position your face right above Lily’s dripping cunt. You could smell her strawberry lotion on her legs and her natural musk which made your own clit throb. Knowing what came next, Lily opened her legs wider, letting her cunt get nearer to your mouth. You pulled down the few inches she left, and your mouth was on her cunt in seconds.

Lily moaned around James, and the man had to try to control himself as the feeling of her moans was making his cock feel more feeling than ever before. He’s done sex and gotten many blowjobs before, but this was new. For one, it was Lily Evans who was sucking him off, and two, the same girl was getting her cunt eaten out by her secret girlfriend. And that was shocking in itself as James only knew you as Moony 2.0 for so long it was hard to understand this version of you. You were shocking him, and he could only feel the smallest twinge of guilt as he was getting to see a sight that Remus only could dream about. And Sirius, oh boy, if Sirius could see him he would self-combust because his brain would overload trying to understand the picture in front of him.

You were dancing with death as you ate Lily out, your mind having proclaimed breathing as overrated, your mouth and tongue worked nonstop as you sought to have Lily come undone in your mouth, on your face. Your tongue explored what it could of Lily’s cunt, taking in her harsh tang, which you were becoming addicted to the more you found yourself between her legs. It was a tiring job, but one you could do all day, to have her quivering above you while your tongue and mouth wrecked her in minutes, and without the need of your fingers which were as slim as hers. You had learned to make her jelly with your tongue, you could have her babbling nonsense in minutes, and you were obsessed with how she would ride your face as she came undone with shaky legs and loud moans.

And lord, she was close. The feeling of your tongue inside her cunt, trying to take in all the evidence of her desire, she was seeing stars with her damn shut eyes. Her clit was stiff, and every time it bumped on your nose, her legs would give out just a bit more. She was enjoying being eaten out by you, but she was also enjoying the way she was wrecking James with her inexperienced mouth. The man had stopped making sense a little ago, the usual coherent curse would leave his lips, and Lily was feeling more secure of her actions which had led her to try and have him deeper inside her mouth. She was gagging on his thick cock, practically bruising the roof of her mouth and her throat.

Lily started to lose control of her body, and her hips only knew to rock as your lips sucked on her clit while your tongue would lick whenever it could. Lily was so close to coming and it took one slap on her ass for her to grip James’ cock, pull back, and shriek your name as your mouth worked her through it while your arms held her still. James could only curse and thank Lily for her tight grip on him because he would have cum all over her face if she hadn’t. He was in paradise and so was Lily and you were the goddess who had allowed them in.

You pushed Lily aside, making her land on her back. You smiled at the sight of Lily breathing hard, while her spread legs allowed anyone to see the beautiful view of her pink cunt completely covered in saliva and her own slick and cum. She shivered at the cold air that was attempting to dry her bliss.

“You did so well, love,” you said while you gave a swift kiss to her belly while James’ hand removed the hairs that were sticking to her face because of her sweat.

“James, would you like to try something?” you asked him while you removed your bra and your soaked underwear. Lily perked up to that.

“Umm, I think we could all be benefited if Lily laid on her back like she is while I, umm—” “fuck her” “—yeah, fuck her while she returns you the favor?”

You looked back at Lily, and unsurprisingly, she was nodding in agreement to James’ proposition. You climbed up the bed while Lily turned to present her wet sex to James while she waited for you to sit on her face just like she had.

“Before we start,” you stopped your movements, “I feel like I should have asked this before, but you do take the cleansing pills right?”

The cleansing pills were the newer version of the cleansing/protection potion to prevent any type of sexually transmitted infections and prevented males from impregnating women while they took it daily. It was a fairly new product, but James was a man known to be somewhat sexually active, so you just needed to be sure. Besides, Lily would get to experience the feeling of someone ejaculating inside of her without fearing getting pregnant.

“Yes, I do. Even if I don’t do anything, it’s easier if I don’t stop taking it,” he said while positing himself between Lily’s legs. He was finally feeling comfortable, but it didn’t stop him from seeking reassurance. You smiled at him.

“Smart lad,” you said as you situated yourself above Lily’s face. She pulled you down to her mouth and you practically rolled your eyes back as she had decided to try and make you feel as wrecked as she did which you knew would be impossible as she was about to experience a very thick cock used her cunt. You knew the feeling, and after getting your cunt wrecked by Lily after a few times, you had decided that getting fucked thoroughly by a cock was the second best feeling in the world.

James teased Lily’s lips which had the girl twitching while she moaned around your clit. You played with your breasts while you looked down to see James push in the head of his cock. You felt Lily gasp as her tongue went inside your dripping hole. And she practically whined when two of your fingers started to rub on her stiff clit.

“You’re doing so good, sweetheart,” you said as you rubbed circles on her clit, making sure she was feeling good while James pushed the rest of his cock inside of her tight walls.

“Fuck, Lily, you feel so good,” groaned James as his dick was finally fully inside of her, spreading her walls around his thick cock. He could feel Lily’s cunt trying to swallow him whole, milk him for all his worth. Lily was whimpering underneath you and you could feel the breath of each silent plead hit your cunt.

“Talk a bit louder, baby, we can’t hear you,” you said soothingly as you kept rubbing her.

“You’re going to make me cum again,” she moaned as your fingers wouldn’t stop making her sensitive cunt feel the thick cock even more whenever she clenched trying to not cum too soon. But now that you knew what she had been whispering against you, you rubbed a little faster. And Lily bit your thigh as you managed to make her cum a second time, but the only difference was that she had James inside her, so deep, and all she could do was moan as she came around him. James grabbed your shoulder as he lost some of his balance at the feeling of Lily’s orgasm. He was trying so hard not to cum too soon, he feared that he might wake up before he got to truly fuck Lily Evans.

You pulled back as Lily regained her breath, and started to move her mouth again. You were dripping on her lips and all due to seeing her cum twice. James started to thrust slowly, allowing Lily to feel every inch of him before he lost his composure and fucked her into the bed before he could cum. You were enjoying Lily’s eager mouth and fingers that had joined in as she tried to make you cum for her, but you were also enjoying the sight of James’ cock progressively fucking Lily open. You looked up to see that James had been doing the same, and when he looked up, you both grinned like idiots because it was all too hot. You were about to say something when James came closer to your face, which allowed him to spear his cock deeper inside of Lily and allowed him to steal a kiss from your slightly parted mouth. It was a quick peck, but when he pulled back, he was only an inch away from your lips. You licked your lips before you grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him in for a deeper kiss.

If anyone dared walk in, they would see you making out with James Potter while the man had Lily Evans shrieking her moans while he fucked her open as she ate your cunt with fervor. It was a pornographic image, really. Lily’s black stockings were miraculously still intact, her skirt flipped over, while you and James were bare ass naked. You had to admit that you hadn’t thought of having a threesome with James Potter of all people, if anyone had to make you choose it would be Remus. The man radiated switch which would allowed you to be both your dom and sub persona. Atlas, Potter had been the one that had managed to get a front seat to your and Lily’s experimental relationship. You knew that after this, you and Lily would love each other still no matter what, but you had never been the one to see yourself as a one-person partner, and Lily hadn’t either but she had been the one to realize it before you. You would have to thank her for showing yet another new thing. And James was going to be a possible new presence, and what could stop you from convincing Lily to let Remus join in?

When you and James pulled back, you grinned like a maniac as an idea came to your mind. You pushed James back a bit so you could see how his dick fucked your girlfriend. You leaned down, your cunt still being abused by Lily’s teeth and tongue, and out of nowhere, your tongue started to give licks whenever at a spot where both Lily and James could feel your tongue. Both of them let out loud grunts as your tongue added to the delicious feelings they were already feeling. You felt James’ free hand grabbed your hair, which allowed you to better see what you were doing. You three kept that up until your legs started to quiver when Lily had managed to rapidly hit a certain spot, and before you knew it, you screamed a curse as you squirted all over Lily’s face. She didn’t stop fingering you which only made the mess greater, and not soon after you came violently all over, Lily kept shoving her fingers inside of you as she bit on your thigh again as she came around James again. And James couldn’t help but roar as he finally got to cum. Thick ropes of cum filling Lily, but she was soaking that mid-ejaculation, his dick was pushed out and the last spurts of cum landed on your tired face. Not that your half-aware mind cared.

James collapsed on the empty spot next to Lily while you threw yourself on the other side of her. The heavy sounds of breathing filled the room, the sounds of wet skin and moans were long gone but they still ringed in your ears.

You giggled as you realized that Lily was probably soaking wet all over her face and her hair probably had collected your first squirt.

“I’m sorry, Lils, I probably showered you,” you said as you felt your body heat up in embarrassment. She giggled too.

“It’s okay,” she said, “that was the hottest thing ever. I finally made you squirt.”

“The bed is soaked,” added James as he touched a pillow that had been victim to the event. You all laughed before the room fell into a comfortable silence. It didn’t last long, though.

“Remus would kill me if he found out what just happened here,” said James to himself, but the room was too quiet to go unheard.

“Why?” you asked curiously. Lily sat up to look at you.

“Well, he likes you, Y/n,” she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, then she looked at James, “he would kill you because it wasn’t him who got to be part of this.”

“It would be the end of me,” said James dramatically. You laughed at the irony of it all, but then your smile turned salacious.

“You know, after we are out of here, I wouldn’t oppose offering the same deal to Remus,” you said. Half joking. After all, Remus had been your first choice.

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[definitelynotcesia]

19. selfless (double update surprise!)

FOREWORD & TRIGGER WARNING

This chapter contains themes of emotional manipulation and trauma recount, as well as mention of death by suicide (subtle and only once).

I have no ill intention of romanticizing emotional manipulation. I aim to portray a story that will give awareness to these matters, as they are very much real and victims shouldn't be labeled, judged, or stigmatized. Please know that I made a thorough research prior, along with everything that I learned as a psychology major, as I was conceptualizing the story so as to give a realistic point of view.

I understand these themes may be triggering to some of you, so you may skip reading this chapter if you find it uncomfortable. Even so, my dms will always be open should you need anyone to talk to.

"i found you", before you can send your reply, a soft voice startled you from the back causing you to shoot up from the park bench you were sitting at.

"yeonjun?", you asked as you saw the sweaty panting figure of your friend. "why are—"

you were cut off from what you were about to ask, when he took a quick step and pulled you into his arms. "i'm sorry for hugging you without asking your permission. i'm sorry for eavesdropping in that conversation... i know you want to cry... just please— let it out, i'm here."

his words was all it took for you to completely surrender into the waves of emotions you were feeling all at once. like an opened floodgate, you started crying into his chest making loud, convulsive gasps in between.

you're too scared, weak, and utterly stupid for letting yourself get into that same position once again. years ago, you swore you had enough— that it will be the last time you'll be dealing with her. it was like every cliche movie, you knew how a character is going to die with their stupid decisions. you hated them, and now you can't help but hate on yourself too.

"it's okay y/n, i'm here. just let it out, you need to..."

you continued sobbing while unconsciously giving the man light punches on his chest, and yet his hushing voice and tight hug never faltered. he stood tall, almost cradling your weak and shaking state.

he was walking past the spot where the conversation happened earlier. he had no intention on eavesdropping, but the frantic look in your eyes begged him to do so. he witnessed how the unfamiliar girl towered over you, how her every word made you cower in guilt, how it was so painfully obvious but she seemed to be enjoying every second of it. she clearly wasn't a friend, and you were scared. he wanted to protect you, but before he can do so, you were already running away from the scene.

"i hate myself. why did i thought i can face her already? i am nothing but a loser... always have been..."

your words panged his heart. he have always known you as the selfless girl who wanted nothing but become a help to everyone who needed it, even when that means doing the most. you were always kind and lively to everyone. you have always greeted him with a bright smile enough to mirror the action even on days when he don't feel like it. to borrow taehyun's word, you were a literal sunshine. and to see you in this state could break the heart of anyone who knows you.

"please don't say that to yourself. all these years, you've been hurting alone without any of us noticing. you're so strong, y/n", his voice was soft but assertive. "it hurts to see you like this."

"i can't say you're right, yeonjun. some days, i felt like a fraud. how i can act like the good y/n that you all knew, when the truth is that i am the same person who failed to save her friend... maybe, sofi was right... the same person... who killed her..."

luckily yeonjun's arms were strong enough as your knees almost gave up just by admitting those thoughts. that's what anxiety does, you see. it weakens you enough to allow other people to get to you— to feed on that monster until even when that person is gone, the monster can continually grow to haunt you. it haunts you through people, places, and even words. you can spend years of hiding, but it will always find to devour you.

"listen to me," the man's voice were full of force making you shift to meet his eyes. they were glistening with tears and maybe something more. "and please only listen to me... remember the time i contacted helpline? it was also the first time we met. i asked you to accompany me as i drank my grief away in a bar near the school. it's a week after my mom's death. you were so uncomfortable being in that place, it was so noisy and multiple guys had touched you in inappropriate places. i knew you were crying scared, but you never left. right in that moment, i've known you more than that girl, sofi, ever did. someone who cares deeply enough to stay with a passed out asshole of a stranger. you are genuine like that, y/n."

he stared intently in your eyes as if to say he meant every word. "you didn't fail your friend. and when she comes back to tell you otherwise, run to me and i'll remind you all the reasons why she's wrong."

HELPLINE —kang taehyun smau ☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ

♡ synopsis: determined to take the pain off the past, y/n wanted nothing more but become the help and comfort that others needed. yet here comes the man with an obnoxiously adorable eye smile, unintentionally ready to sabotage all that she thought was healing— that includes a 24/7 help line and an alternate persona.

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SURPRISE! a double update!!! this is to celebrate because tomorrow is finally the comeback day we have all been waiting for. please please give the LO$ER=LO♡ER mv streams to hit our comeback goal which is 10M in 24hours ✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧

[thejustmaiden]

So out of nowhere I was tagged and quoted by a SR shipper for a blog of mine posted in August of last year. Talk about throwback but, hey, gotta appreciate that level of snooping. 😉

Back in the day I actually used to encourage discourse amongst Inuyasha fans- both shippers and antis alike- but I've since realized that it's a lost cause. But for you, @feministmetalgreymon , I'll grant this exception. Just 'cause it's been a while so why the hell not. haha

I want to assure you, however, that nothing you say will ever convince me that Sesshomaru and Rin are meant to be together romantically or that the story intended it so. Nor will you find any validation here. You can ship them for all I care, but please for all that is good and holy while I have your attention try- I mean really try- to understand why it is so many of us Inuyasha fans are so against this pairing in the first place (newsflash: it's not about ship wars), and why we believe a romance between the two of them is completely and utterly out of character.

For those of you interested in reading this, the blog of mine in question that the above shipper mentions in their counter-argument is here for reference. It's titled "Jaken = Rin's Dad?" I'm going to try and keep this short, but I'm also making no such promises. After all, I'm not exactly known for my brevity. haha Now let's get crackin'!

Like you, feministmetalgreymon, did for your recent blog here where you took screenshots of mine to address certain parts, I will be doing the same and dissecting yours accordingly.

[Snippet 1]

I worked with kids for many years as a teacher, and many people in my family have too or still do. Two of them happen to be just over 5 feet which is quite short for the average adult woman living here. I've also worked alongside many a women of short stature, and never did I hear any of them complaining of issues with their students having difficulty differentiating them from their own peers just because they were short as well. I'm sorry but that's just ridiculous. Kids are quite smart and pick up on a lot more than you seem to give them credit for. Height is not the only characteristic they look at to determine who's an adult and who's not, and it's foolish to suggest otherwise. So unless you're a babysitter who's still in their teens and/or who has very childlike features or behavior then I'm afraid what you're getting at is total hogwash. This is just another example of how you shippers offer nothing of real substance to your reasoning, it's only ever cherry-picking or strawmanning from you guys. Stop deflecting from the real issues please, because this certainly isn't one and only winds up being a complete waste of time for all parties involved.

[Snippet 2]

Okay, calm down now. I wasn't insinuating that relationships between parents and children can't change over time in terms of how they get along. Of course that's possible, as all families experience their fair share of estrangement and abuse. What I was speaking about was in reference to the overall dynamic between the two. Because a bad mother or father can still be viewed as a parental figure to their child even if say they're not in said child's life anymore. Since Sesshomaru and Rin share a healthy bond- and just a friendly reminder that in my blog I even said that he doesn't have to necessarily be labeled her father but that a romantic relationship later would still be inappropriate- I didn't deem it necessary to address what you brought up. Plus, it kinda, umm, misses the point?? Please, let's stay on topic. And it's not captured in the screenshot, but stop acting like there isn't a small part of them that idolizes their parents at some point during childhood. Just like you mention later on how it's normal for kids to have innocent crushes on adults that they eventually grow out of? Well, guess what, the same concept applies here. Kids eventually learn that their parents are far from perfect and make mistakes too. Rin is so damn young in the OG series though that we never even get to see her reach that maturity level.

[Snippet 3]

LOL! Alright, okay, so the "unbreakable bond" bit you're mentioning was actually me quoting you sessrinners. Did you not catch that? I literally spelled it out. *sigh* The whole point I was making is that shippers like yourself make hypocritical and contradictory statements all.the.goddamn.time. One moment you guys claim that Sesshomaru and Rin were essentially strangers and meant very little to each other, only to say in the same breath a few seconds later that they were destined to be together and their bond is like no other. I agree, their bond is special, but why must that mean they're going to fall in love?

That is the root of the matter here. Too many animes/mangas have romanticized this older adult man & young girl growing up falling in love trope that it's become way too normalized and widely accepted across the world- and yes, in some cultures more than others. Sadly, you lack the awareness to recognize how this all works. You know how we know that? When we see that you shippers are so desensitized to sexualized images of girls in the media that you share posts like this one below which *subtly* imply a future romance although one half of that pairing is still just a child in the pic and then try and pass it off as cute. That's like super fucking problematic and it scares me that you can't see that (or deny you do). 🤢

After all that's said and done, Sesshomaru leaving Rin in the village with Kaede is to me the strongest indicator more than pretty much anything else he's done for Rin that proves he is her adoptive father. It's so funny to me how you somehow see the exact opposite though. 🤔 What I think is happening is that you got yourself on some squeaky clean ass shipper goggles fresh out of your little echo chamber. Because I hate to tell you, but what you're fantasizing is what you want to see and not what's actually there on screen or was written into the story. I'm strictly talking about Inuyasha and the manga of course. [For the TL; DR version skip to the last paragraph.]

Parents looking after their kids is what parents are supposed to do. A good parent will do anything to keep their child safe and ensure they are cared for, so what he did for her by leaving her there was in her best interests clearly. Besides, as a babysitter, you more than most people should understand that parents aren't always able to be there for their kids so sometimes others gotta step in to help. Haven't you heard of the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child?" Which in Rin's case is literally true! 😂 Sometimes kids are even sent off to stay with grandparents and that's who raises them instead. Or maybe they have to temporarily live with an aunt or uncle because their single parent's job requires they work out of town 4-5 days of the week so they're hardly home. But that doesn't mean that the parents care or love their kids any less, and it's foolish to assume that Sesshomaru must have thought very little of Rin simply due to the fact that he made the decision to leave her in the village. Come on, y'all are acting like he abandoned her there!!

It's just given the circumstances Sesshomaru finally came to learn that Rin traveling with him was no longer safe. I also like to think it's because he wished for her to live a more normal life and to learn how to fully trust humans again. Plus, continuing to travel with him as young as she was would have proven dangerous and unwise. Now for you to know all this and still manage to turn his past actions towards her while she was just a child into a romantic gesture is what boggles my mind. Regardless of how you look at it, from my perspective or your own, Sesshomaru is in the wrong. Either he's a father figure who impregnates his daughter at the young age of approximately 14. OR he's this man she used to travel with who maybe isn't a father to her but who nonetheless basically rapes her since kids her age can't consent to sex with an adult. Idk about you but it sounds to me like nobody here wins with either scenario we're given. In other words, you should be just as mad as we are. If only one side didn't choose to forsake their morals they know we both have in common for the sake of a ship. Welp. 🤷‍♀️

I agree, incest is disgusting but that's not the only problem we have with this pairing. A romantic bond forming between Sesshomaru and Rin would also constitute as grooming.

You realize that over the years he visited her in the village that he brought her gifts too and essentially watched her grow up right before his very eyes, right? I mean, I know you do, but I really shouldn't have to explain further why pursuing a romantic/sexual relationship with each other is plain and simple wrong. And before you say it's not because he didn't have any malintent, please understand that considering their history and power dynamic up to then that yes this is still considered grooming even if Rin supposedly "wanted it" or "made the first move." Whether you consider him her father or not, as the adult who took on a role resembling that of a caretaker in her early life- a critical developmental time for a child- Sesshomaru is obligated to turn down any advances by Rin and most definitely should not initiate any himself. As the first close adult figure she's had in her life since her parents died, it's unfathomable to imagine how Sesshomaru could go through with taking advantage of this young girl who was under his care and supervision since they met. To think he could be capable of betraying that trust sickens me to the core.

This. Now THIS is how a parent/guardian or a similar adult caretaker (babysitter, teacher, etc.) talks to a child. And, in turn, this is how some young children talk to adults. You'd be insane and delusional to deny it! We see it in our everyday lives, do we not? From where else do you think our stories draw most of their inspiration? Yes, obviously these fictional universes have aspects of fantasy that don't exist in the real world, but so how then do you suppose we're able to relate to them? The reason for that being is because these stories are written by people for people, so naturally there are going to be real life aspects embedded throughout. Sure, a little escapism doesn't hurt as we don't need to take everything so seriously, but ultimately we all need to recognize that the messages in the stories we tell matter. Most stories possess a combination of both light and dark themes, but when it specifically comes to the latter we gotta be careful with how we tackle this in children's media since kids are far more impressionable.

So if at the center of a story we have two of the main protagonists whose mom is basically their same age and to top it off she knew their dad when she was just a girl and who just so happened to help raise her, wouldn't you say that's beyond fucked up or at the very least so fucking weird? Like why would we think it's even remotely okay for our children to watch this garbage?? Really think about it. Try and be objective for once and think about how it would sound explaining this storyline to an outsider who's never watched IY or HNY. Well, antis have tried this before many times and we always get the same reaction: Ewww!

Like I said earlier, if you wanna ship it then fine, but 1) please stop seeking our approval or trying to change our minds - your ship wish came true didn't it, so why do you need us to validate it? 2) even though it's not canon, respect that we don't support this sequel portraying pedophilia in a positive light. It's harmful af to not only allow but glorify the continuation of sexualized images of young girls everywhere. And I shouldn't have to say this, but just because this trope is popular as you say does not make it right. Lolicon themes in the media have been an issue forever and it needs to stop. Yes, even some people in Japan or "the East" would agree. Shocker!

We're pissed off and rightfully so because Yashahime's TV rating is 14, not to mention it airs at the prime time kids in Japan watch TV after getting home from school. That's Towa and Setsuna's age, true, but if Rin being the mom when she's like only a year older than them (please don't argue w/ me about the math- antis have so far been right every time with it) is straight-up disgusting and not something we should be supporting or endorsing. Rin's a whole ass child!! Please don't start with the "but times were different then so her having kids at 15 is acceptable" argument either, because we've already debunked that and every other single excuse you guys throw at us. Besides, how or why would you expect young viewers to know these historical "facts" anyway, especially if as you suggest fiction doesn't affect reality so what does it matter? Yet here we are, arguing over a fictional show in real life almost a year and a half into the "Sesshomaru fucks?" sequel being announced. My ass, your ass, hell all our asses fiction doesn't affect reality!

Look, I do apologize if the tone of this blog came off as snippy or condescending at times. I do not wish you any ill will, it's just I'm not really sure what you expected to get out of all this besides maybe getting on my nerves perhaps. haha A lot of you shippers have been desperately scrambling to interact with us, lurking in our tags, jumping onto our posts screaming canon and getting so defensive even though you sought us out first. We've been sticking to our tags, so how about you stay in your lane too. By the way since we're on the topic, have you seen Twitter or Reddit?! SR shippers there are the actual worst and many Inuyasha fans (not just antis) have complained of not feeling welcomed to engage in fandom spaces anymore. Shippers swarm them and scare them off simply because fans don't like your ship and refuse to accept it. It's pathetic, really. No one should ever be bullied or harassed just because they don't like something you might. We're all fans of Inuyasha, aren't we? So let's act like it. Yashahime on the other hand, you guys are welcome to that pungent heap of trash. Fans have a right to criticize it too, but if you like it then good for you, so keep on liking it and don't mind us.

I'm almost done, but real quick back to Jaken! Let's not forget about how the official Yashahime website- which came out after my blog, mind you- described Jaken. This translation isn't the best one available but it's the only version a fellow anti friend could track down. They do recall a better one done by a native Japanese speaker who was also an anti, and that member confirmed that Jaken is indeed called Rin's babysitter. So you see, I was right in my interpretation. In the original post I did compare Jaken to a brother, but after talking to others (some comments can be found under said post) I did acknowledge that he's more of a reluctant babysitter who's not related. And if he's not at least a brother to Rin, then he's definitely not her father.

At the end of the day, the creator Rumiko Takahashi has the final word. Which is guess what? Hogosha. 💖 Probably should've just started out with that and saved us all the trouble, huh? Good day/night to you.

Papamaru bids you adieu now. 🤞

[spideyspeaches]

Heart made of glass ↬ t.h

A/N: Beta read by the lovely @hollandcrush​ !! <3<3

Request (Summary): can you please write one about Tom, who is on the filming process of cherry and has some emotional problems because he feels that his character is already part of his life, so he comes home very angry and in a bad mood, so he just snaps and creates a big fight with the reader and just says things that he obviously didn't meant, you know very angst, and at the end just very fluff.

Hope you like this anon! Lemme know your thoughts heh <3<3

Warnings: breakdowns, slight vomiting but it’s not graphic. I’m not in any way romanticizing or sexualising breakdowns. 

WC: 2k+ 

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Masterlist || Taglist

Tom was an ambitious guy. He took his roles seriously, no matter what his character was and who he played. It was an admirable trait, the way he both enjoyed his work and worked hard to earn a high place in such a place as Hollywood. 

You always took pride in how amazing and accomplished your boyfriend was, your heart swelling whenever you heard his name being mentioned in events and interviews. You enjoyed how he tried to diversify the movies he worked in. 

("I've been playing the friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man for so long, it's about time I play someone different now." He once said in a Jimmy Kimmel interview. You were watching from the audience, smiling as the audience roared in affirmation. 

"Well looks like you took quite a big leap from playing a superhero." Jimmy said, smiling at the audience with his paparazzi smile. 

You knew the question was scripted, quite harmless, but you still noticed how his shoulder stiffened, his smile not wavering once. 

"Well yeah, I used to be a superhero and now I'm a heroin addict." He joked, winking at the audience as he ran a hand through his nearly hairless head.

He cried himself to sleep that night, burying his face in your chest as you shushed him. )

It always worked in his favour, with the incredible support his family and fan base provided. And he was always so humble about it. 

Filming Cherry, however, was way different than he thought it would. With filming Cherry came consequences that he didn't necessarily like. He knew what he was bringing on himself and his family when he was first introduced with the script.

(Contrary to popular belief, he didn't actually give out spoilers, it was just small promotional stunts that kind of took over as his reputation to spoil minor details.)  

The process was intense, getting into the mindset of "Cherry" was taxing, and people were beginning to notice it in him. He was more restless, tugging at his non existent curls when he thought no one would notice. 

He was more clingy, more appreciative of your body and you, letting you know that there was no sexual intent behind his acts of caressing your waist at random times. You didn't notice the change in his behaviour. 

He had always been like this, watching you with the most gratifying gaze a man could muster, his pretty brown eyes like globes of whiskey, staring at you with a muffled expression. You didn't notice. 

There had always been a cutting edge to his voice, you knew and adored it. Behind the British actor who played Spider-Man, he was your Tom. Your Tom who gave you forehead kisses and baked cakes with you and made silly playlists that reminded him of you and you of him, your Tom who worshiped the ground you walked on, your Tom, your Tom and your Tom.

(Sometimes you envied that he was an actor, so good at hiding any emotions he felt, it came easy to him, just another fake emotion like he was a face behind the camera.)

He was never aggressive towards you. Never. Even on tough days, he was soft, caring and understanding to the point where it made you mad, immediately making you feel guilty. He worked so hard and yet here you were, blaming him for being nice, never standing up for himself.

"Uh, Tom, Tom stop, wait." You grunted, pushing his shoulders as he scrambled away from you at your discontent. 

You held his face, his breath hitching, hyperventilating as he tried to get himself together. 

Ever since he had started filming Cherry, he had been away from you. And now that you were finally here, he had been all over you, making love to every inch of your skin, like it was a holy grail he had to find, caressing your warm skin under his fingers making you shiver as his nimble fingers wandered. It was the intimacy, sexual and quasi-sexual, that made you realise, that there was something wrong.

Sex- it had been a constant in your life other than Tom. But of course, you didn't live on it. It was but a fuel that strengthened your relationship, it was about discovery and showing your vulnerable sides. It was a reminder of the coffee dates and baseball matches. It was loving, gentle and raw, like a gentle breeze caressing your face.

But this, this was different. And you noticed. This, what you had been doing, it was fucking. It was aggressive and needy and it felt good, but at the same time, it felt different.

"Baby?" You asked softly, trying to meet his eyes in the dark lit trailer. It was late, way past filming times, the only time you got to see his vulnerable side. 

You should have been in his hotel room, but you were in his trailer instead. All alone in the all encompassing darkness, it made your heart stutter beats. 

"Baby speak to me. What's happening, who's doing this to you?" You ask once again, holding onto him firmly this time, his squirming frame making you loosen your hold. You didn't care that you were naked, he had already seen it all. 

Fiddling with the rough sheets, he huffed a heavy breath. And that was all it took for the dam to break. 

"Tell me how do you feel baby, you're starting to scare me." You urged. All you got in response was his muffled sobs. Pulling him forward, you let his head rest on your bare chest, rivulets of tears sliding down your warm skin, almost burning you like acid, his tiny hair tickling you, a very contrasting feeling. 

"I can't do it. I can't take it anymore." He sniffed, wrapping his strong arms around you, shivering at the contact. It was a cold night in Cleveland, and you were naked and he was crying. You were berating yourself for not noticing. 

"What can't you take anymore?" You hold him, tracing circles on his buzz cut hair, just the way you did when he had his curls. 

"I feel like I'm becoming him. I don't like it at all, I try and try but I can't." He sobs, shoulders hitching with each sob. You felt your heart break, the sounds of his cries sending daggers into your skin. 

How could you have not noticed? The lively sunshine of a man was almost an empty shell. The interviews with former drug addicts had been excruciating for you, pity, disgust, sympathy and every other sinful emotion swirling in your mind. 

You couldn't believe that you hadn't thought about Tom, of what an effect it would have on him. 

"Bub, listen to me, carefully," you said, shushing him as he continued to look at you, teary eyed and red nosed, snot dripping out of his nose,"you listen to me. You're strong and resilient and nothing like him okay? He's not you. You're Tom Holland. You're brilliant and brave and amazing okay?" 

"But I don't feel that way!" He said, his aggressive stance surprising you, "he's- he's…" 

"He's what?" You asked, a little too impatient. Muttering a sorry, you rub your palm on his cheek, kissing the soft, moist skin.

"I don't feel so good." He croaked, getting up suddenly, making a run for the washroom. You rushed after him, watching him as he heaved into the toilet. Rubbing his back, you muttered affirmations, curling besides him as he sat on the ground, his back to the cold wall. 

You got up to switch on the lights, feeling his hands tugging yours, a soft "stay" coming out of him. 

"Better?" You asked, feeling him now against your collarbone. 

"I shouldn't be this affected, this- this isn't fair. I'm overreacting, I'm sorry I worried you baby I swear I didn't mean to-" 

"Shh, Tom first of all, you're not overreacting okay?" You smiled, kissing his nose, moving towards his brows and his forehead, "It's perfectly reasonable. The role you're playing...It's not exactly picking daisies. Fuck you're playing a heroin addict Tommy, a broken soldier with PTSD, a breakdown was inevitable. It only shows that you're human." 

"Really?" He smiled, it looked more like a grimace, a plea for reassurance. 

"Yes, really." You said, booping his nose, eliciting a giggle from him,"now, you better go to bed mister, you have an early shoot don't you?" You playfully scolded, kissing his lips, laughing as he carried you bridal style. 

"Tomorrow will be better." You whispered, kissing his eyelids, already closed, chest moving rhythmically as you counted his pulse, making sure he was completely asleep before slipping on your clothes, covering him with the thin quilt. 

***

"Is everything okay on set?" You asked casually, watching the crewmates work tirelessly in the daylight. 

You were standing next to Ciara on a prop jeep, fiddling with the water bottle held in your hand. 

"Hmm, as okay it can be with two people playing drug addicts." She shrugged, looking at you with a small smile. 

"Are you okay?" You asked, turning to give her your full attention, remembering your boyfriend's breakdown yesterday. 

"It gets… intense at times. Some scenes are hard to play, but we're okay. Mostly." She answered, taking your water bottle and chugging the water. 

"I'm not a therapist, but you can talk to me, you know?" You smiled, holding her shoulder as she gave you a bashful smile. 

"It's been tough on Tom. He's more aggressive, nearly had a breakdown during a scene." She said. 

"Yeah, that.. that happened yesterday too." 

"It was time, a person can only hold so much right?" 

"Yeah." 

You pondered her words, wondering if you could do anything to curb this. 

"I think I need help." He said one day while you were eating dinner. Harry, who was sitting next to you, looked up from his plate, giving you a knowing look before clearing his throat. 

"I'm gonna get some water." He said, waving awkwardly at you and getting up. You took that as a cue to scoot closer to Tom, running your hands through his camel hair. 

"That's very brave of you hun, asking for help." You smiled, kissing his cheek softly. You felt him smile, sliding closer to you, holding you by your waist. 

"I learnt from the best." He muttered in your hair, kissing your forehead. 

You felt his love that day, felt the way he ran his smooth fingers on your waistline, sliding across your thighs with care and softness you hadn't felt in a while. He was healing. It was a process, it took time but it happened.

***

You were walking across the library, his hand in yours, your hearts beating in silence. 

"How was your appointment?" You asked, shivering in the cold air. You rubbed your palms together, bringing your jacket closer to your chest, huffing the cold air. 

"It was good, much different from what the media portrays. She even showed me this meme she thinks you would like, look." He said, bringing out his phone to show you the saved meme. 

You laughed at his eagerness, kissing his lips as a final gratification. 

"Well it looks like you're having a great time. You have another scene left to do today in the evening so we better scram." You reminded him. 

You always did that, remind him of his schedule, reminded him to take a breath when he felt like he was drowning. You reminded him of home and what he had to look forward to.

"Why can't we have a lazy day today?" He whined, kissing your neck, making you giggle as it tickled. 

"You know you can't do that hun, you already took three days off." You snickered, poking his sides. 

"Well that sucks. I just want to spend my day with my girl, is that too much to ask?" He smiled, kissing your forehead, one hand holding yours, swinging back and forth, the other holding a large cup of coffee in a tight grip. 

You reached to loosen his fingers, taking a sip, slurping loudly, making him laugh. You decided you liked this laugh much better, it was breathy and free, a melody to your ears. 

You noticed how he was more relaxed and back to being that ray of sunshine. Back to being your Tom.

Thanks for reading! also as a side note- here’s a similar fic @itsallyscorner​ !!

[littlemisshaveitall]

Season Secrets : July 17th

As mentioned before , I’ve learnt a lot these past few months and I’m going to share it in this series I’ll call, Season Secrets. I started calling quarters of the year season to romanticize my life and I’m currently in season 3 but the series will start with lessons from season 1 which as we go on will highlight lessons from my past relationship, my self exploration and more.

Enjoy loves!

Without further ado , the pilot piece.

Signs it’s time to let them go.

If you catch yourself making a pros and cons list.

Lets actually talk about that ,before the relationship maybe it’s okay , a little off but all in all understandable especially if a relationship would distract you from your goals but during the relationship- Babe. I think this is a huge tell that you aren’t happy and you’re looking for reasons to not call it quits and if you are looking for reasons to stay , you should’ve left way before then . In my case , I thought nobody else would offer what he offered and I was afraid of being single again after enjoying the benefits of a relationship. It’s okay to admit to yourself that you are scared of being alone but you must acknowledge the fact that you have to do it ,my love.

If you cry consistently

I don’t care how happy they make you , if you are consistently crying that is obviously not a good sign. My excuse was that he made me happy when we were together and that compensated for the tears I’d cry weekly or fortnightly . Surprise , surprise it didn't . No one who claims to love you should be okay with the fact that they consistently make you cry and if they are, that’s not love. I tolerated it then but I’m here to tell you , no one should have to.

If they do things you've repeatedly told them not to ( Or don't do things you've told them you like)

This is about boundaries, small things you might like and most importantly being considered. If you tell your SO that you like daily calls at a certain time or you like when they reply to everything you sent( Maybe that's a bit personal haha but I do absolutely despise when I write detailed replies and the other person decides they'll only reply to one sentence, it irks me so much) or if it's as small as you like being complimented. Some of these requests shouldn't even be voiced, they are things that are genuinely innate. Like why wouldn't you tell your SO they look great. SMH. Above all though, as I said , this point is about being considered and being put first. I used to love talking to my ex but he'd constantly not call me and I knew if I didn't call first he wouldn't call me and when I'd tell him , his excuse would be that he fell asleep or that he was high, I don't know it was always something irrelevant. Word of advice though, don't date an addict- It's common sense but I didn't know he was an addict until later on , I should have broken it off then and there but anyways. I would tell him that if he's going to sleep then he should text me to let me know. He did it , once and it still hurt because he never gave me time when we were apart( Another red flag). If you have to beg to be considered in their lives, that is an issue that you should not have to tolerate.

If they don’t keep the small promises.

This is a big one for me. If you've got the 'I'll call you back' type and they never call back, I'm sure in some cases it's different but trust me when I tell you this is will be mimicked in so many other aspects of your relationship because it's a way of showing you that you are not a priority and if it's in the little things , it will be prevalent on the big things as well and it's not worth it. Don't lose sleep over such.

They continuously don’t love you in a way you’d like to be loved

I think one of the most selfish things someone can do is love you in the way they would like to be loved without considering your love languages especially since as lovers you can always compromise. This isn't about making someone compromise with their traumas that comes with time and you can't rush that; This is about your SO telling you that they like it if you'd make an effort by: Cuddling them more, gifting them more( common misconception: gifts have to be expensive. No they don't , you are using that as an excuse to not put in the work. Some people would be ecstatic with origami , get it together,), telling them that you love them more etc BUT you decide not to do that. That's an issue and it's selfish. I've been the perpetrator and the victim and from experience, it is always a choice. They can choose to be kinder to you but they don't. You can choose to be on time but you don't. They can comfort you a little better , they just choose not to. Once you understand that it's a choice, It hurts but it's easier to leave. You can love someone and still be too selfish to be a good partner but that doesn't mean they should have to tolerate your BS , they can find better in fact they should. YOU SHOULD FIND BETTER.

If they don't make time for you.

This is obvious but clearly it wasn't too obvious to me and maybe some of my babes out there so let me make it clear to all of us , the minute they tell you that they are busy and they :

1: Don't give you a time in which they will be free and stick to it.

2: Consistently tell you that they are busy with no context. Even then, if you are too busy for a relationship , you should make that clear, instead of leading someone along like that.

Then it is over. Explain to me why , the love of your life won't want to spend time with you or talk to you-That's weird and you should maybe think about it. Another tell is if they constantly remind you that they are sacrificing something else to be with you. That's so rude. If you sacrifice something else for someone, you do it because you love them and you want be with them at that particular moment , why is it that they are telling you ' You know, I missed an important opportunity to be here with you' every five minutes. It's giving bitter and 'I don't want to be here'. Someone who truly loves you won't make you feel bad for taking up the time they set aside for you.

Of course there's more, there will always be more but these are the big ones for me.

After acknowledging these, love , you have to forgive yourself for tolerating such and you need to remind yourself that you were acting in a manner that you thought was best and that's okay. You know now and you will be better the next time-I trust that wholeheartedly.

*Disclaimer: I am not a relationship expert , these are all based off personal experience.

Love,

Quesa



[aotopmha]

You have some of the weirdest and most unsupported takes on Levi I've ever seen, "romanticizing his violent tendencies" while ignoring the equivalent and worse violence around him, "try to be a better person" and all this fake stuff you built up. Like sure Levi leans into violence but you built a whole fake arc because you'd rather downplay the selflessness of his character. Like where is this when Mikasa obsesses over "getting back at Levi" for the trial or threatens to kill Historia & Ymir?

I've seen a whole lot of romanticising Levi's violent tendencies specifically in the fandom.

Luckily the story doesn't do that and acknowledges it as a flaw of Levi's that stems from his past in the underground.

Even now, after not following the AoT tags for ages I'm still occassionally recommended wierd rape fantasy and sexy abuse fanfic tweets and Tumblr posts for Eren and Levi, oftentimes with 15 year old Eren at that.

The entire pairing seemed to even start from that courtroom scene in season 1.

That's the part I find wierd and icky.

People can have their fantasies, but I don't have to find them appealing.

There was a semi-joke moment with Mikasa where she was grumpy about Levi and I found that fun, but that's about it with that detail.

I've also never said he threatened to kill Historia and Ymir. Levi hasn't had a single moment actually very meaningfully talking about Ymir, I think and for Historia I've always said that he threated her and was violent with her, which I think is also often defended when I think it shouldn't be (in case you are anime-only, I get it, but this was a manga scene).

It was understandable, but still not okay.

I do think his arc is about becoming nicer and finding his actual purpose in defending the weak. He was a rough thug pre-main story. I also feel like him becoming 'nicer' actually doesn't have much to do with his violent tendencies.

Him thanking everyone after Historia's crowning was a neat moment for this, but you are free to disagree.

My issues with his character really are that people so often seem to place him on a pedestal and make him perfect, idealise his character when the actual interesting aspects that make me okay with his character are either downplayed or removed.

What violent things other characters do doesn't excuse the violent things Levi does do and when he does go overboard.

I'm not interested in tarnishing the sanctity of a fictional character, just how complex they are and how fandom sometimes might view them or what interpretations might exist around them.

In the very first scene we see Levi in the story with any substance, we are shown he's a clean freak, but then later we see him grab the bloody hand of a dying man.

Yeah, among other things Levi is nice.

But that's not what I find interesting about his character.

I find his Gary Stuification and defensiveness by a group of fans interesting.

Or how people dislike Mikasa for her dedication towards Eren, but don't have the same criticism for when Levi's dedication towards Erwin becomes a similar thing.

I feel like these complaints you bring up are heavy exaggerations of what I've said and I get it, (I think) you feel like I misrepresent his character.

I used to actually send these kinds of anons years back because I saw a paragraph and then only saw red afterwards because the poster said something that I disagreed with and I feel like this reaction is similar in nature because of some claims you make are pretty generalised compared to what I've said.

Like when I say that some fans romanticise Levi's flaws, but you read it like I said it in general.

And I think what prompted this post was that I was really blunt about his character.

You could also just be trolling for a reaction.

I don't really know, but a bunch of this ask was pretty misrepresentative in a very basic way and if I have at some point said these things and I don't remember, this is some clarification on them.

Also in case I misunderstood the second half of the ask, if you mean Mikasa being similarly harsh, that's not okay, either.

Mikasa's blunt and violent nature isn't okay, either.

I think you might mean *her* moment of attacking Ymir and Historia and that has a similar nature to Levi's violent moments where you get it, but it still goes overboard.

If that's the case, yep, that was not okay, either.