#I know I don't have to explain myself bc this is a hobby & I should be doing what I'm having the most fun with but

[byanyan]

@ everyone who's waiting on replies from me and I'm over here only replying to one thread... I'm so sorry

[taegularities]

Rid, this maybe a small rant so bear w me pls >:(

I was having a conversation with my roommate in college yesterday about books and reading in general. She is picky when it comes to reading, mostly inclining towards romance and sub genres within the umbrella. While I believe that reading anything is a good practice, she is radical in her opinion. In the sense that she believes books which are officially published in a hardcover are credible enough to be called books or novels for the matter. Recently i revealed to her that I’ve been reading fan fiction for 3 years now and her reaction was… quirky? She thinks that fanfiction writers are still amateurs in writing, have no experience with editors and they only write as a hobby so they don’t put in as much effort as a novel writer would, so their stories are dumb when compared to novelists and best selling authors. I argued that fan fiction is not something to be looked down upon cause some people have put out excellent things to read and they do work hard on their plots and characters. Even if they are not accustomed to working with publishers and all but that doesn’t work as an authentic judgement that fanfic writers can’t be placed as the same level of some authors. Just putting out a book in hardcover doesn’t equate quality of a story, it only means you had access with some publishing house. The argument kinda took a sour turn cause she was unwilling to take in my pov so I asked her if you think fanfic writers suck then tell me which stories you have read in your entire lifetime which you consider masterpieces then i might recommend you some stories from my end to change your perspective. She texted me sometime ago and most of her list includes Colleen Hoover 😐 it kinda made me realize that in fact we as readers must have a fanfic phase in life otherwise we would place authors like CoHo with incredibly poor taste in writing on the pedestal and look down on underrated talents in the field of literature. I still can’t comprehend what does CoHo write in her books that attracts mass attention from people cause all she does is glorify toxic relationships and normalize it with her weak happy endings. I’ve read around 3 books from her and lemme tell you some of the bts fics on ao3 & tumblr deserved way better audience than she does. In my opinion, the only reasons books like these blow up is due to people who have a first time experience in reading and don’t really take much interest in reading, it’s disgraceful to way better writers who are overlooked cause they don’t suit the usual trend due to certain criteria they don’t fit in, the criteria being easy choice of vocabulary, some aesthetic corny words, incredible smut and bland character development. Maybe the lack of quality romance novels in bookstores has me caving into fanfics because I feel in some measures I’d rather spend a week completing works of a fanfic writer with amazing plots for free over spending dollars and wasting time on books I end up disliking because of their stuff characters having absolutely no growth or a potential plot going to waste.

rant anytime, love <3

oof, i don't know much about colleen hoover, so i can't judge.. but honestly, any kind of creative work should be appreciated. like, i used to be young adult girly myself, and got into writing like that, so i feel like none of us should drag down someone's effort (not talking about you, just in general!!). and like, as a fanfic author myself i do feel a bit bleh about your friend saying we are amateurs bc we don't work with publishers lol :') i've actually thought about this before. editors have so much work to do, like they need to perfect a story, right? i know it's different for us, but most beta readers i know do the same.. literally sit down and spend hours reading a fic to help a writer improve it (shoutout to you ily @missgeniality). tbh, i'd say agree to disagree with your friend and enjoy whatever you enjoy!! sometimes it's hard to explain a pov to someone. but tysm for standing up for fanfic authors, like i'm so happy you cherish them the way you do <3

[caw-rky]

Hesitating between different kind of changes on the pillars (still having trouble deciding myself, may post a few "test draw" I did to explain, to not make a too long post), I decided to make some light work by redesigning quickly a few G1 characters.

Butterscotch was the first I did ! :DD I found loads of things on her and, if she was in my AU (should reaaaaally search a name on that pony type-change AU), I think she could have a really nice episodes with Rainbow ! (Like, the Gymkhana race is about to start, Rainbow gets really competitive after hearing she could already have a really nice time (though nowhere near Butterscotch) and begins to overtrain, refusing to listen to advice, rest and to admit that she can't get better than Butterscotch within a week. Kind of a crash and burn for Rainbow until she met Butterscotch who isn't like she imagined. She isn't spending all her free time training like crazy by running as fast as she can. Instead, she has a planning which oversees which exercise she will do, what day, how long but who also help her to go enjoy herself in-between. Sport is her hobby and became her job, not her life. Rainbow finally takes some time to rest with the help of her friends (Twilight concocting a training table to help her not lose what she gained all while recuperating, Pinkie taking her to fun activities, ...) and finally does the race (not winning, but able to enjoy it).)

Blue Belle is the second I begun but the last I finished. I had LOADS of trouble for her. I began with some designs where she was very farm-themed, but didn't like it before settling on this ! I... don't have much to say about her x'DD

Blossom :DD She kind of has a old-mare vibe, I don't really know why? I gave her the sun-hat because I have read somewhere that another pony gave her one (couldn't remember where) and I thought it fit quite well :DD

(1/2 Cotton Candy, Snuzzle and Minty in next post, bc it's long x'DD)

[kyattuma]

Random Facts About Me No one Fucking Asked for. <3

1. I hate mushrooms.

I don't know what's worst the taste or the fucking texture.

2. I'm an Aquarius Rising & Aries Sun

In a nutshell, I don't take anything serious & love bodyslamming people into refrigerators. Arguing is pointless when we can just fuck.

3. My Celebrity Crush is ....

SKEEEEEEEEEEEYEEEEEEEE she really don't give a fuck which makes me want to on her.

4. My Guilty pleasure is ... Zues Network

Please don't make me explain this one. 💀 I like reality television.

5. My Fictional Crush should be obvious..

I have dad issues. My Fictional baby daddies are usually 6'8 and up demons/vampires who have a compulsive desire for control & greed. 11/10 They are the villains with 15inch cocks & canonly would dismember me . What's not to love?

6. My DreamJob is to be an MMA fighter

I want to be a professional mma fighter but my body is extremely limited to flexibility bc of my disability. So I do boxing instead. Even tho my doctor said not to. Every woman should know how to defend themselves idc.

7. My secret hobby is writing fanfiction. But I don't post them.

I don't post my fanfics because I don't feel like I'm good at expressing myself. My favorite genres to write are mystery, smut, comedy, & very dark romance. Eventually, I will.

8. I have one nipple.

If you know me from tiktok u don't know me. Explanation is there.

I'm very unserious and just want to have fun.

[starsmuserainbow]

Some randomly chosen questions for a selection of my muses answered from this meme because I want to! Sorted more or less randomly, though I started with the muses I feel the strongest these days.

For Lightning, I'm gonna answer:

🪄 MAGIC WAND — would you describe yourself as a superstitious person (someone who believes in superstitions)? do you believe in luck? "Yeah right. No, I'm very much not superstitious. And if luck exists, it tends to be against me, so I don't really care to bother thinking if I should believe in it or not."

(and bc that was too short for my liking, another one for her:)

🌙 CRESCENT MOON — what would you say is your current biggest dream and/or career aspiration and why? "It would be really amazing to become one of these well-known, absolutely capable and powerful heroes. It's not like I do what I do for the attention or fame, but it's still a cool thing to imagine that people would recognize and look up to me, and stuff."

---

For Mia, I'm gonna answer:

🧪 TEST TUBE — if you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what is one thing you absolutely have to resolve and/or do before then? "Wow. Pretty grave thing to ask, wouldn't you say?" Mia paused for a little bit as she pondered the hypothetical situation. "I think I'd try what I can to still do some good. For unique people, or better yet for whole groups. No idea what that would be though, so if I'd suddenly be hit with this news, I guess I'd just be, like, patrolling the streets and trying to prevent crimes more like the actual heroes do."

---

For Moonshot, I'm gonna answer:

🤔 THINKING FACE — what three emotions tend to dominate your mindset? do you know why they do? "Anger. Confidence. Pride. They do because they are the most beneficial and important emotions to have as a tamaranean warrior." [[In not his words, it's more because of all of his experiences in the past and how he's more or less defining himself through his pride as a warrior and how he's always going to see Tamaran and Tamaraneans as the absolute best there is.]]

---

For Kage, I'm gonna answer:

🖤 BLACK HEART — what would you say is the darkest thought you’ve ever experienced? what do you think caused you to have that thought? have you ever planned on or fantasized about acting on it? "Dark thoughts are all I work with. Did you forget I kill for money? I doubt you can go much darker and colder than that." She was silent for a moment, not really wanting to continue elaborating. There were certain thoughts in her past that were somewhat darker, more gruesome, than others, but she was not willing to explain all of this so she just added a 'why' to be done with it. "It is all that life gave to me that caused this. And I have often acted on it before - as I said, it's what I do for money."

(and bc that was a lame answer, another one:)

⚡️ LIGHTNING BOLT — how has [significant event in muse’s life] impacted you? what has it made you realize about yourself? about others? about the world? "I'm not gonna explain what that event was. Be happy I answer at all." Kage grimaced at having to answer it. "It shattered the whole new life I had thought I was building. Again destroying everything I had. On the ruins, I built the life I have now, and what it made me realize is that I will not listen to or trust my heart ever again. It made clear that no one is ever to be trusted, and that that is how the world works. Everyone will betray anyone else at some point, it's better to just never trust in the first place."

---

For Cat, I'm gonna answer:

🎨 ARTIST PALETTE— what are some hobbies that you like to partake in? do you think they’re just to pass time or to distract yourself, or do you believe some of them potentially have therapeutic outcomes for you? "I very much enjoy reading books that tell a story. It helps me blend out my ability when I am able to immerse myself in a fantastic story of being someone else or joining someone on a fictional adventure. I also play the violin, the sound of it is just very soothing and calming to me."

---

For Galfore, I'm gonna answer:

🫂 PEOPLE HUGGING — generally speaking, do you feel very supported by the people in your life? how strong and cohesive is your support system, if you have one? do you often feel like you’re at the front of the line or pushed to the side by the people in your life? Galfore was silent for a little bit. "It is not my role to be supported. I am the one to support the people in my life., and I am satisfied with that." He did have his time of being supported, and it was only right to give back on that now.

[buddyapologist]

it's been a few months and it's still crazy how all of the reasons i broke up with my ex are just. not applicable anymore

"i'm just not ready to settle down" -> i basically am just not with him

"the idea of him meeting my friends and extended family makes me very uncomfortable" -> i want my boyfriend to meet my friends/family and i enjoy hanging out with his friends

"constantly having doubts and reservations and fears is just part of being in an Adult Relationship" -> literally none of those exist now

"it must be normal to get agitated when i spend too much time with him, i'm just a solitary person" -> i want to be with my current bf like 75% of the time and can easily spend lots of time with him

"it's fine that we barely have anything in common i can just have my separate hobbies/interests" -> we enjoy the same stuff most of the time and actively engage with each other's interests

"i just need more time to not be anxious about the idea of living together" -> my bf and i have discussed it and are excited about the possibility of it

"he might be the only person who is nice to me and uses the correct pronouns and respects my identity" -> he isn't

"romantic feelings must feel like relief" -> those are two different emotions, my ex was just the first partner in years who didn't hurt me

"i think i'll never be physically attracted to someone in person, it's just part of my acespec identity" -> i just wasn't attracted to him!!!!

"i just can't sleep in the same bed as someone, i must be too light of a sleeper" -> my bf and i want to sleep in the same bed and do so whenever we're together and i sleep just fine

i know anyone reading this is probably like "are you dumb as a brick how did you not break up with him sooner none of these are things you should feel in a relationship" but i was genuinely so exhausted and hurt by the partners i'd had prior to him that being with him was like finding an oasis in the desert where i could finally feel safe and assured and not constantly afraid i was about to get dumped because i was too neurodivergent for a normal person to handle. he was the eye of the fuckstorm of my life at the time. i don't regret the time i spent with him and i did truly care for him, but i mistook that relief and gratefulness for love and those just aren't the same thing. he was so good to me and i never felt like i deserved it.

things are so hard right now but my current bf makes me so happy. and yeah i feel some relief bc of how much he helps me be happy and feel alive, but that's separate from how much i like him for HIM. i feel all those classic romantic cliches about him i never felt with my ex. all the things i was reluctant about i'm not reluctant about anymore. and yeah my aroace-spec identity does impact my feelings and attraction but i've accepted that and so has he. i don't feel reluctant, i feel hopeful and excited for our future together. on our monthiversary (that we both like celebrating bc we like milestones) he said that he hoped we were together long enough to lose track of the months. if my ex had said that to me i would have freaked out. but my bf said it and it made me so happy.

part of me wishes i could go back in time and bonk my past self on the head and explain all this shit to them, but dating my ex really taught me so much about myself and i did have a lot of fun with him. i don't regret the experiences we had together, going to fun restaurants and touristy stuff and the trips we went on. and i wished for a long time that i DID have strong feelings for him, but i just. didn't. and they never developed. and i thought that maybe i would just never have them. but i do. and they bring me so much joy. i wish i could tell them that you are supposed to feel JOY in a relationship. that you should be comfortable with each other, not anxious all the time. that cooking together should be fun, not stressful. there's so many things that added up to make me uncomfortable and they just aren't around anymore.

this is a really long ramble at this point but i'm just really glad i didn't settle. i'm really happy i met my bf. i'm really happy i know what it's like to truly feel joy in a relationship.

last note, i used to be so insecure and that often affected my relationships bc it made me constantly be afraid that my partner wasn't actually attracted to me, how could they, i'm so ugly/gross/mentally ill/obnoxious/talkative/etc., and i would take that out on them. and a bit of that will always be with me but i'm so much better now. honestly a ton of that was going on accutane but it's also just getting older and more mature and growing past situations that hurt me so much. i know now that i am worthy of love and care and yes, someone can be attracted to me emotionally and physically. and that's pretty cool

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Monday, January 8th, 2024!

11:32am HCI class this morning, really boring still I regret to inform everyone 😂 no tests this semester, just projects. Easy A but a real brain drain. Not letting the brain drain get to me though! Hopped out of that class (9-11am) and now I'm at Panera getting free coffee (it's chilly out!). I'm going to shoe carnival to use a $15 voucher and also other little errands today. I just realized I'm really hungry (I had 2 prebiotic sodas last night and absolutely BLEW UP this morning so I actually don't think there's anything in my stomach tbh haha). I think I should get a snack bc my stomach will pass start hurting soon. Just checking in! New semesters can be overwhelming so I'm gonna keep coming back here.

11:49am have selected bogo bacon mcdoubles for lunch with my coffee :) eating food is good for you! I am very thankful ❤️

2:34pm lol I went down a rabbit hole and I'm about to be off my phone for the rest of the day. But it's worth it bc I looked on Vividseats and found a $20 after tax ticket to see Company at the Straz tmrw. I have heard of this musical before but didn't know what it was or any of the songs. Omg I didn't the last 1.5 hrs listening to the original Broadway cast recording in my car and investigating the plot and I am very excited!! This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about I had no idea that's what I was going to do today and definitely had no idea I was going to see a Broadway show tomorrow night when I freaking woke up this morning, how do I explain to people that this literally is my hobby. Novelty and new experiences is my hobby. Learning about things is my hobby. Listening to new music is my hobby. Reading about how they are being hot and *controversial* about the gender swap in this revival of a 50+ year old play?? I find this fascinating and I am excited AF now about something I couldn't tell you one lick about this morning. This is my favorite thing to do. This is such a perfect example of my idea of a good time.

Do other people never do things like this?? It's spontaneous, but not expensive or dangerous or retarded, it's just spontaneous and interesting to me personally.

4:05pm I actually went to shoe carnival and used the coupon in their email and got a pair of yellow box sandals for $7 even! Just got home, ate a granola bar and am about to take a nap.

11:45pm I want to text him. I'm ALSO FIVE DRINKS IN LMAO. OFC I wish I had a man to fuck rn. I GOT MYSELF DINNER AND DRINKS!!!! NOW it feels like I've been wined and dined and primed to FUCK. But it's literally just me.... I wined and dined myself bc it's the first day of school, things are stressful and they're bound to be more stressful going forward. I wanted to treat myself before I get depressed AF. Is there another man/ woman here?? Fuck NO. I got ME, MYSELF and I BITCH. Dinner was a delicious pizza from king state and a cocktail and 4 shots while I watched "Hair" so yeah ofc I'm COMFORTABLE AND TURNED ON THAT'S LITERALLY ALL IT FUCKING TAKES I'M NOT DIFFICULT BY ANY FUCKING MEANS. one day there will be a man that understands, but until then it's just me, I got me, I know me better than anyone else. All the men I've met are JUST A DELUSION IN MY MIND BRO I KNOW WHAT I WANT AND I *CLEARLY* HAVE NOT MET HIM YET and that's ok,bc ..... I got ME.

Hopefully this rant has dissuaded me from texting him bc wtf he's SO FUCKED UP EVEN IF HE ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT ME HE'S UNABLE TO FUCKING DO SHIT ABOUT IT. HE'S A BUM ASS BITCH AND CAN'T MEET YOUR STANDARDS!!!!!!! YOU MEET YOUR STANDARDS WHERE YOU ARE EVERY DAMN DAY. HE FUCKED UP AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT HIM ANYMORE. LITERALLY LET HIM ROT ONG BC HIS DUMBASS PICKED A LIL BITCH OVER YOU (A STRONG ASS HO WHO DOESN'T TOLERATE BULLSHIT!!!!!). THE END OMG.

1:34am why TF am I still awake ooooorhhg I am killing myself fr.

[askaborderline]

Hi, I'm asking for advice and maybe some resources as well?

So I've got an FP who's my bff and we've been dating on and off (dating has been super hard bc of my BPD symptoms) and it's been really bad sometimes like me just shutting down and not responding to her, giving her silence treatment etc.. (i know it's bad and i don't want to treat her bad and I'm trying to do better) and for some reason she STILL likes me platonically and romantically and wants to date me if I'm able to. I really want to but every time we try it just gets too hard bc i get upset ALL the time by the tiniest things she says or doesn't say or do.. it used to be great when we were bffs, we had such a good time together and that's probably why I fell for her bc it was just so easy to be with her (and i had someone else as an FP at the time) but when she became my FP it's been a struggle. Anyway I'm asking for advice for being super close with your FP or possibly even dating them? How can I have her in my life but not let her "consume" me?

Also I want to reiterate that I know I'm being toxic sometimes and i am currently working on it, i know i don't wanna treat her bad it's just my emotions take over sometimes ):

Hello anon!

I have been in a similar situation myself, at least when it comes to conflicting feelings for an FP and eventually dating mine. My partner and I had a rocky start to our friendship and it has developed into a loving relationship, but it's not an easy one! That's the first thing to remember when it comes to this kind of thing, it will not be easy.

First, I'm glad you are self-aware of your own unhealthy behavior. That is a huge first step and you should be proud of yourself! Stopping this behavior will be like stopping a bad habit, because it kind of is one. It'll be difficult but not impossible!

Your FP wants things to work, she seems to understand that your BPD isn't going anywhere and wants to work through it with you. That can be scary! Especially if you have abandonment trauma or anything similar. But I say, you should let her in.

Start by telling her how you are feeling. Open communication is one of the fundamental keys to any relationship. Be honest and open about how you want to change, how you want things to work, and how you are struggling. I'm sure she would understand and probably has feelings of her own that she needs to get off her chest.

After this, make a plan together. Strategize how best to tackle this together because in a relationship, your problems will be hers and vice versa. Explain your side of things and let her do the same.

Now when it comes to not letting your partner become an all-consuming force in your life, well, I still struggle with this myself. I have learned that it's best to have other hobbies, friends, and goals to balance out the desire to constantly be with my partner. I still feel that urge to be with them, but it's lessened when I have other things on my plate.

I know this situation might seem impossible right now, but trust me when I say that you can have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with an FP. You've just got to learn how to set up boundaries and wield your DBT skills like a big ol' positivity bat at your BPD.

You've got this!

-Bee❤

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello! I hope you're doing well. I would like to have a mystic messenger matchup please! :)). I just got back into it omg and i feel relieved and pleasantly surprised there's still people talking about this omg tysm!!

I'm a heterosexual girl and at first glance, I'm extremely shy and quiet. I'm very well mannered and polite but that's only because I don't know you that well yet and I feel hesitant to open up due to extreme trust issues. I feel like I'm really intimidating since I don't smile a lot because of this and my friends often agree with that. Once I feel comfortable with you though, it's an entirely different story 😂

I become much more warm-hearted, dorky, bubbly, and animated-like. Tons of people have commented that I'm empathetic (one of my friends told me I should be a therapist because of this), understanding, authentic, genuine, appreciative, nonjudgmental, open-minded, trustworthy, great with advice and comfort, soft hearted, compassionate, gentle, child-like, independent (to a fault), and “looks like they could kill you but actually wouldn't hurt a fly because they're the cinnamon roll of the group".

Also, I can get a bit silly and teasing from time to time with my friends, but that's only in private or when I'm with them. I'm usually calm and laid-back and to quote some people here: "you just have the vibe where people are just comfortable to be who they are with you because you really don't mind their flaws" and "she really, really, has a strong moral compass among all of us here".

I can also work well under pressure, I tend to give my best when it comes to the things I enjoy, and can surprisingly handle attention very well (Even though I despise it with my entire being because I feel so uncomfortable with it and I feel kinda drained afterwards).

And just for fun to say here, I can be really oblivious when someone has romantic intentions with me, so I'd appreciate it if someone would just spell it out for me because once I do realize it, I would either just say yes or no to them, so I can be straightforward when I need to be.

For my hobbies and interests, I love to write. I really love to write and I can't explain it just a few sentences alone. From academic papers for school, journalistic articles for the student newspaper, or to just personal stories from my own imagination, I'm just really passionate about it.

That being said, I also love to read! I don't really mind which genre it is, just give me a good plot and I'm hooked!

Aside from that, I enjoy discussing philosophy, politics, films (for example, a certain plot point or a plot hole, the cinematography, the dialogue, etc.), Music (analysis of the lyrics, progression of the notes, etc.), History, culture, shows (doesn't matter what country it's from, just please give me a good plot 😂), fashion (its history, references that I could catch on to, the structure, and my own personal taste on it if I would like to wear it myself), psychology, languages (I speak 3-4 languages and often switch whenever I'm speaking to friends and relatives. But I also can point out the quirks and give an in-depth look into it if the person is interested in what we're talking about), debate, research, art (its history, the meaning, I could just go on since I love it so much and also bc I'm not that great of an artist to begin with 😂 but i do paint from time to time).

I love listening to classical music since that's the genre of music I grew up with, but I also old vintage music from the past too! And from time to time, I also like listening to Broadway, other songs from different countries, and I have a soft spot for Disney songs too! Speaking of which, my friends say I'm like a mix of Belle, Rapunzel, and Anna when it comes to the princesses and I agree 😂.

Also, I love my friends and believe that family are the people you choose to be with and you can't live without. So, all in all, I love my family (sksks but truthfully, my heart is big to hold a lot of people in it). I would do anything for them because they're the people I would do anything to protect and lend a helping hand no matter what the hour. So, I'm really supporting and a big cheerleader to those I'm close with 😂

Lastly, my love language is quality time and words of reassurance! If it helps, I'm also an INFJ and my Hogwarts house is Ravenclaw.

Phew, that was a lot to say and I'm really sorry if it's a lot. I really appreciate this and thank you so much in advance! Hope you have a good day and night! :))! 🌸✨

I match you with...

Jumin!

You're a kind of person who truly values conversation and rational debate. When you're talking to other people, whatever comes to mind isn't just what you talk about. You spend a lot of time trying to cultivate and think about the best way to discuss the subject that you're talking about. Conversation is the most important thing to you. You need a partner that values the same thing that you do when it comes down to it. That's why the perfect match for somebody like you would be Jumin. His favorite love language is actually communication.

He could spend hours talking about this or that and not realize how late it would get. It’s so easy to lose track of time when you’re with someone you love. He has the tendency to get carried away when it's something that he's passionate about, so it's not that hard to imagine the two of you curled up together talking about everything and anything. It may seem like the rest of the world doesn't know how to Value the two things that you both enjoy the most; but, what matters is that you have someone in your life that gets it. That knows what it feels like to want somebody around who listens.

Curl up on the couch and enjoy a foreign film together while you discuss this and that. You get swept away so easily that the only thing that might pull you from the discussion is the sounds of Elizabeth’s “meerp!” for attention.

[luminous-studiess]

Ummm so I'm new to tumblr so don't judge if I did something wrong.Ummm how can I be like you? Like you know? Productive and smart.I always push myself but ended up being distracted by things (I have adhd and depression).I can't even remember anything after.I suffer,and continue suffering, from my mental illnesses.I just can't keep myself on track.My family makes fun of me for trying.I'm actually trying to find a part time job here but nothing hires minors.Idk please help meee.

hi, friend! answer under the cut because this will be long. 

please know you’re doing nothing wrong, and that the fact you keep trying to become better and to push yourself to always get things done despite difficult circumstances already shows that you ARE already productive and smart. 

second, it also helped me when i was struggling very heavily last year to learn  two things: 1) there will always be particularly bad days when you live with mental illness, but all the little efforts you take, it slowly does get less difficult. getting better does not mean completely getting rid of all the symptoms you experience, but mostly just learning the best ways and small, gentle things you can do for yourself to manage your condition. this really requires a gentle but firm balance between pushing yourself to do the things you absolutely need to do, but also knowing when what level of work/school/self-care or hobbies is the limit, so that you don’t get too overwhelmed.  this means most of the time, you don’t have to worry about being productive for its own sake. it helps me when i feel like i’m drowning to know how little i can do/the most non-negotiable bare minimum, that still helps me not to fall behind.

^ this is a small, cheap pad of sticky notes i carry with me throughout my entire day. it’s only big enough so that i can only write a few school tasks/personal things i need to do/chores, which helps me evaluate what exactly i can only get done, especially on days where i don’t feel well. checking off absolutely everything on my tiny list makes me feel like i’ve accomplished a lot, because i i have-- they aren’t necessarily a lot of tasks, but they’re the ones that i know really do need to get done. it also helps me focus when i have a lot of nervous energy, and have a panicked sense of “so many things need to get done!!!?” because i can give myself a bit of time to sit down, maybe turn on an episode of a show i like or make some coffee, and write down my tasks. it really helps me with the faint, tiny guilt and dread i used to feel day by day that i was being unproductive or lazy, because now i know i’ve fulfilled all my obligations to myself (everything from doing laundry, to making dinner) and to other people (schoolwork and other tasks). it’s okay to move at the pace that’s only possible for you right now. it’s better to feel comfortable with the smallest things you can do, and build on that as the days come. 2) getting distracted is normal, given Everything Happening Right Now, plus with a mental health condition that makes it hard to focus. it can also be hard to remember things when i study, because of my own health conditions, but i’ve found that the following things have helped: regarding distraction - use a small system that keeps you from accessing any distractions when you need to get something done. i try to leave my non-essential device in another room, and set up a timer-based blocker, to limit the websites i access. - i try to acknowledge the distractions as they come, and try to figure out why: am i hungry? am i tired? have i gotten enough sleep? do i need a break? if it isn’t anything serious, i just acknowledge that i’ve gone briefly off-track-- without guilt, without judgment. then i try to turn my mind back to the task at hand. - a good ambient playlist can make me feel more focused during hard tasks in the sense that i have some form of stimulation to keep the “itchiness” at bay. video game soundtracks and film soundtracks are also wonderful for long, tricky tasks.  - sometimes i just have to start to feel motivated-- the focus actually comes in in the middle of the task. the fact of starting something may actually make you feel motivated.

- procrastinate productively: sometimes when i really don’t want to study i turn on a movie or a show and use the time to clean my room or fold laundry. my life still feels put-together, and i enjoyed myself! win-win.

- and sometimes i realize that focus may be impossible at the moment: take a break, go for a run, do something you like, take a nap.  regarding learning and remembering things i used to have the worst time recalling things for school, until i prioritized two things: SLEEP, and not cramming. i used to get extremely poor grades in my first year of law school because i would put off studying at the last and latest moment-- a few days before exams, pulling all-nighters right up until the hour the exam started. i would also just use my free time to scroll on social media, instead of taking a nap or going to bed early. this was absolutely wrong. during the exam, i couldn’t recall anything because i was too tired, too frazzled, probably didn’t have breakfast, and because i had started and finished half a semester of reading in one night. my grades have gotten much better lately-- i’d like to think it’s because i’ve centered it around two things: (a) getting enough sleep every single night (helpful ESPECIALLY if you have health problems-- mental or physical), and (b) making exam day the least stressful it can be. how do i do this? - this means not only learning things for the exam, but also for classes on a daily period. you don’t have to study particularly hard, but you just have to study enough that you can understand what the professor is saying in class. set definite study hours every day, stop at a very specific and reasonable hour, and go to bed. try to get at least 6 hours of sleep. sleep helps me absorb everything better (idk science but this is from experience and also some very smart people i know ALSO prioritize getting sleep). wake up at a reasonable hour.  - how to study: read the syllabus, and try to get a decent overview of all the topics you need to cover before you start testing/making flashcards/doing active recall (which is IMPORTANT bc this helps you actually train your brain to retrieve information). imho as someone low-energy i find that rewriting notes/making reviewers/making flashcards makes me very tired and leaves very little time for actual studying, so it just helps to test myself by looking at the syllabus and trying to explain the concept to myself, then peeking at the textbook or materials to see what i’m missing. mind-maps are also energy-efficient ways of figuring out how concepts fit together. - how to study for exams: the very latest you should start is a week ahead. two weeks ahead is ideal. map out how much information you need to re-learn from the syllabus. move slowly with the aim of finishing the coverage by the first week. the second is for reviewing and RESTING. - THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EXAM: do a final, gentle survey over the topics you may not understand. stop at 10 pm. go to sleep.  - EXAM DAY: you’ve done the work. take the time to eat breakfast, test yourself SLOWLY AND GENTLY (avoid reading huge chunks of textbook at this point-- youll only confuse yourself), and set up your workspace to take the exam. crush said exam. as a final note: it can be hard to get things done when the people closest to you aren’t supportive. try to reach out on studyblr and find discord study with me servers, or study communities on reddit (they’re actually really nice), or with students in your class. if you need to talk, just dm me. you can do this friend, okay? take care always. gentler days will come. 

[pathologising]

Hey, I'm the person who asked the question about lying (the one you then answered with a link) and I'm sorry if I came off rude... This is just really hard for me.

I can't get a therapist, because I'm a minor, don't have money, and my parents wouldn't want me to get one, so I can't actually get help. I'm trying this whole """recovery""' thing by myself with no help because I don't have anyone....

I've always made self deprecating jokes, because for me it's like taking my serious bad problems, and making them into a joke so they don't hurt me as much. I've seen people say it's bad before, and I want to listen, but at the same time, even when I tried (even for a long time once) it never worked. Trying to replace bad things to good things never made me feel better because I ALWAYS knew I wasn't telling the truth about how I felt. Saying/joking that I love myself never helped because ei knew I didn't. I hate myself. I always have, and When I've tried to say "I love myself!" And joke about myself in a good way, it has never helped.

It's all I've had for so long, and idk how I could even possibly change it when it's become something I do automatically, and it has become something that I barley even control anymore, and it's just something I just do.

Sorry for this rant, I guess the main point of this ask was to apologize if I sounded rude, and explain why I felt the way I did.

ur not rude <3 I've been exactly where you are so I know how hard it can be! I'm proud of you for trying on your own, because sometimes thats all we CAN do in the time being. Recovery and practicing coping mechanisms can be really really hard, especially when you feel isolated from everyone, but theyre possible! It just takes work and continuously trying.

Something that help me is constantly questioning myself after I make a negative joke or before I go to make a joke about myself. Like is this truly okay to say about me? Would it hurt me if someone else said it to me? So why should I hurt myself? U know! It feels familiar and it feels like protection because its what youre used to and what you've done to cope with your surroundings, but at some point you have to replace that with something healthy! You don't have to outright lie to yourself and be like "I love myself" but you can start by saying "well Im feeling a lot of negative thoghts towards myself, but just because im feeling them doesnt mean they're accurate to me!" It'll feel super silly at first but eventually you get the hang of it !!

Also, I recommend just like as an aside to take up an artistic hobby as a new coping mechanism! Drawing or knitting or even just journaling ! I used to think journalling was so so stupid but then I started doing it bc my therapist asked me to and i realised it really does help you process and get out all of ur emotions in the moment!

[mocimori]

hi bestieeee~ i saw your little post on my dash and i was wondering whether i should say anything or not bcs yknow, sometimes there's only so much people can say. but from where im standing, i don't think there's anything wrong with how you're feeling.

it's normal to not feel as interested in something as you used to be. i think honestly it's also healthy to explore your interests. it's not like you dont like skz anymore. you still do. you just... like other things too! and that's okay. the more the merrier, amirite?

take it from someone who's interests switch all the time. it's really okay and for me personally, my interests always switch around and i end up coming back to something i lost interest in before. it comes in waves. and that's okay because when you get interested again, it's like finding that little hobby all over again. so yeah. dont think of this as you abandoning skz but rather as you just... taking a different route. and who knows, you might cross paths again.

you supported them for so long and supporting them with less intensity wouldn't change anything. because in your heart, you still hold love for them and their music. and that's what really matters, especially to them.

so yeah dont you worry! draw whatever you want, however you want. and maybe one day you'll find a skz comeback you REALLYYYY like and get back into the zone again. just relax and have fun with what makes you happy. hobbies are meant to be stress relievers, not stress causers.

take care my love~ <3

awwww! Ti, always the sweetest 🥺💗 thank you for reassuring me about it. I think I really need it bc… it’s been… hard…

maybe bc i liked them for so long and compared to other groups I liked, skz made my experience with them extra special so deciding to focus on something else feels like I had my security blanket taken away from me even if I was aware that my interest was waning.

I don’t really know how to explain it because it feels like a break up (for the lack of better words) and maybe i’m just extra sensitive recently 😂 so everything emotion-wise has been a mess 🥺 but I know eventually I’ll enjoy whatever fandom experience I’ll find myself with.

and yeah yeah! I really like their music and chemistry still 😂 I just couldn’t get into any of their content rn bc of external stuff (i.e. toxic fandom exposure, not as interested in some of their content/lack of variety, Div 1 under fire bc of Stay week) and idk if I ever mentioned it here but trying to get tickets to their show really took a toll on me 😞 I kinda noticed I started to distance myself after that.

but I’m very sure my brainrot will be back if there’s a comeback I really like and even if it’s a cb that won’t restart the intense brainrot I’ll still enjoy bc if anything skz always release bops 😭💓

thank you again sweetest teacup! your words really assured me that what I’m feeling is valid🥺💗 you take care lots too~

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

20 - You’re Finally Mine

This chapters songs:

I Follow You; Melody's Echo Chamber

Hot Rod; Dayglow

My Jinji; Sunset Rollarcoaster

- Y. L. Perspective

I let out a low groan, attempting to stretch out my arms and legs. But when I touched Koshi's, I remember that we were latched onto each other. Throughout the night, I hadn't imagined that sleeping with him would be so peaceful. His gentle hands holding me against him, the way a simple hum would run vibrations throughout his chest, and best of all: being able to look at such a lovely face to wake up to.

He pays my back gently, followed by his gentle voice. "Y/n? Are you awake?"

I open my eyes slightly to peek at him. A very bright sun ray showered his grey hair and fair skin. "Hm? Yes, I am now." Shoving my face back into his chest, I sigh. "What time is it?"

"It's ten. I'm sorry for waking you, but Isao is wondering if you want breakfast," Koshi explains briefly.

I blink a few times to refresh my mind, nodding slightly. Was his brother serious about making our food? That was something I hadn't experienced in a while. I usually made things for myself or ate leftovers for breakfast.

After Koshi dismisses his little brother, he proceeded to pat my back as if I were falling back asleep. "How did you sleep? I hope I wasn't bothering you all night," he asks me.

"Pretty good. I was very comfortable." A smile appeared on my face without any effort. I trail my fingers across his collarbone under his t-shirt, thankful that my first night with Koshi was as calming as sleeping through the rain. "What about you?"

I was hoping that I hadn't kicked him or done something embarrassing while I was asleep. The risk was a high percentage, especially since I'd spent the night mostly laying on his chest.

But Koshi didn't say much. He only gave me a very warning smile and tightened his hands upon my waist, maneuvering closer towards me. Curious yet scared of what he would do, I grew frantic, feeling my face heat up while he did so. And finally, he closed his eyes, brushing his lips against mine, before kissing me gently.

My hands rushed up to his face as my shoulders stiffened. Such a sudden action made my heart beat out of its chest, I was sure he could hear it.

Unfortunately, he ended our kiss after a few seconds, pulling away from me slightly.

"So, I'm guessing that's a yes?" I manage to let out a few words in my tired voice. Koshi nods, sitting up from his spot.

That was the first time I'd woken up in his bed while lying next to him. And boy, did I cherish that moment as if it were impossible to forget.

-

"Good morning, Ms. L/n," Isao chimes as Koshi and I walk into the kitchen with our zombie-like behaviors.

Nonetheless, I smile at the boy, happy to be seeing his familiar face. I was beginning to grow on him and his playful personality. I bow and greet him a good morning as well, before Koshi bumps his hip into mine, laying a hand on my back. "Y/n, you don't have to bow every time you see them." He says to me, making me shoot up to stand straight.

"Uh, sorry! I guess it's just an impulse I do to people," I explain myself, followed by Isao's sweet laughter.

"That's alright! I was just about done," he says, placing a small piece of fish onto a pile of a couple of other pieces. Next to the grill pan was some white rice and a pot of miso soup.

The smell fills my nose and I begin to build up my appetite. "Oh, okay! Would you like me to get started on some tea?" I hurry to the other side of the kitchen and attempt to search for a pot. But of course, Koshi stands there with one in his large hands, grinning at me.

"You're our guest, Ms. L/n! Please, sit." Isao carries the plate of rice and fish to the table, accompanied by a few bowls of miso soup. I hadn't been welcomed with such a normal morning breakfast in so long. Not even my friends' parents treated me like this. But mostly because we were all family to each other.

I could only hope that I didn't look too bad. I had changed into some pajama pants and a smaller shirt so I wouldn't look like a homeless man walking around such a nice house. But freshening up my hair, breath, and face could only do so much. As for Koshi, he still looked as beautiful as ever in the mornings.

I make myself comfortable in the same chair I'd say in the previous night, waiting for Koshi and Isao to join me. After they did, I said my thanks, and we began to eat our breakfast.

To my surprise, Isao wasn't half bad at making food. In fact, it was very delicious. Mostly because I hadn't had such a good breakfast meal in what felt like a million years.

"So!" Isao cleared his throat with a gulp of green tea.

"How did you love birds sleep?"

The boy clapped his hands enthusiastically. The nickname made me cringe on the inside, but I simply chuckled lightly and shrugged my shoulders. "Pretty good. You guys have such a lovely home," I comment, replied with a nod from Isao.

"Yeah, yeah. So your band; are you guys popular and all? Sorry, I know that probably isn't what you might want to talk about, but I'm interested in Koshi's new girlfriend," he says, followed by one of Koshi's passive-aggressive throat clearings.

I eye both of them, smiling awkwardly while swallowing my food. "Uhm, it's okay. We're fairly known by a few people at school and some family. Our discography is small since we mostly produce covers or requests we receive from our amount of fans."

It was obvious that Isao was very excited about having a musician in his house. I was only worried that Koshi would grow tired of talking about music. So, I take the wheel of questions and begin my mission to find out more about his family.

"What about you? Are you interested in any sports or art hobbies?" I ask, wiping my hands on one of the small towelettes he gave me earlier.

Isao nods. "Kind of! I like messing around with the drums now and then. But I mostly did a lot of volleyball back in middle school."

I hadn't thought about how old Isao might have been. Curious, I ask, "wait—how old are you? I didn't know you were in high school."

Little did I know that it wasn't something Koshi and Isao weren't up to talk about that subject, for they glanced at each other with surprised looks. "Uh...I should be starting in-person high school after the summer break. Right now, I've been doing homeschooling."

"Oh..that must be nice!" I attempt to lighten the mood a bit. "Are you excited? You get to experience a lot of new and fun things in high school. I'm positive you'll find something you like. Do you plan on going to Karasuno or...?"

"Yeah, I do. I only wish Koshi could have been a second year so we could be closer together!"

The mentioned man coughs while drinking his tea, wiping it soon after. "Uhm, don't worry. I have a couple of people who'll be looking out for you." I assumed he was talking about the volleyball team. Isao would no doubt fit in with those guys.

"You said that you're going to the states after graduation. Is that true?" The sudden question makes both Koshi and me choke on our rice. The only time that I would ever discuss the matter was with my friends. I was always afraid that talking about it in front of him would cause problems between us.

Noticing I grew uncomfortable, Koshi interrupts with yet another question. "Would you like to come with me to Y/n's concert? It's not much of a concert...more of a competition for bands. But if it's okay with her, I could take you with me. I know we'd both love to see her perform live, right?"

Isao practically jumps at the statement. "Wow—really?! Of course! Can we go, Ms. L/n?" He looks at me with big puppy eyes in excitement. How could I have said no?

Proud, I nod to the boy. "Sure thing. But you've gotta be careful in the crowds. There will be lots of people there."

The rest of breakfast was used as a way for Isao and I to get to know each other. Though they came from the same mother and father, Koshi and he were two very different people. It could have been that they got different types of acknowledgment from their parents, or they coped with their mother in different ways. He sure seemed like a rowdy boy. Very charismatic, curious, and a top-notch smart ass.

Koshi and I helped tidy up the kitchen, he notified us he would be going over to a friend's house. I was only to assume that this friend was like family to him, for Koshi dismissed him as if it were nothing. After that, we decided to begin getting ready for the training camp.

-

A/n: If you come across messages from the guys that sound cringe it's only because I'm trying to make them sound realistic aka what they would actually text like😭

Crow crew

Daichi

Hope everyone is heading to the gym soon

Let's try not to give Takeda a hard time this weekend. He's been treating us very kindly these past few weeks.

Tanaka

Yeah man he got us a really cool new manager

haha thanks

Asahi

Who's ####

Tanaka

I just said

Really cool new manager

Aka Sugas gf

Koshi

Istg

Noya

R u serious my brother😕

So you just take every girl you see now

Asahi

Suga didn't tell me that:0

Koshi

The way we haven't even been together for 24 hours and you somehow managed to figure it out

Tanaka

WAIT IT IS TRUE-

Daichi

This is literally supposed to be a group

chat meant for volleyball only

Leave Koshi's personal life alone and mind your own business guys

Noya

Don't be so uptight 🗣

Y/n I thought you liked me 💔

What about all that stuff you told me under the cherry blossom tree

Daichi

Noya oh my god

Asahi

Wow, this escalated!!

Daichi

Where are you guys, heading to the school hopefully?

Koshi

Y/n and I just left the house

Is Kiyoko there yet guys

Kiyoko

Almost :))

Meet me in the girl's locker room

Noya

HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT

Tanaka

WH

What lmao

Tanaka

YOU SUMMONED HER

Noya

YEAH SHOW US YOUR WAYS DARK LORD

Bc I'm god( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Ennoshita

Hey everyone

At the gym👌🏻

Yamaguchi

Good afternoon!!🌞

THE EMOJI WXBISJS

Yamaguchi

SHSHSHS

Tsukishima

it's gay

Noya

You're gay

Tsukishima

Wtf lmao no I'm not shut up

Tanaka

You've triggered something

Daichi

Stop it guys

Hinata

OMG I WOKE UP LATE

Koshi

Uhh

Try to get to the gym fast

Asahi

Hey you shouldn't text and drive

Tanaka

Especially when you got your girl in the passenger seat🤨

Koshi

Don't worry guys it's me

[image of you and Koshi in the car]

Kageyama

who's dirivng

Yamaguchi

Driving* and Koshi is obviously driving in the picture🙄

Kageyama

Im talk shout the training camp

Daichi

Takeda, he's taking his van like always

Hinata

CAN WE BRING SNACKS PLEASE???

Daichi

Yes but not to eat in the car bc I don't wanna cause Takeda any issues with having to clean it

###-###-####

That's fine with me!! Hinata can bring snacks( ◠‿◠ )

Is that Takeda Senseis number

Tanaka

Yes

Koshi

Pls try not to make a big deal of Y/n and I

Noya

Why wouldn't we💀

it's not even that huge + I'm sure you guys don't care that much

Tsukishima

Yeah I don't

Tanaka

Cmon noya that's one of kiyokos best friends we can't be mean😥

Noya

SHEEESH alr see you guys soon

—

- K. S. Perspective

"...are you telling me that she's coming with us?" I look at Daichi with a very serious face, afraid of what he would respond with.

I thought it was flattering that Eclair wanted to spend her afternoons at volleyball practice with the team. But was it appropriate to have her come with us to the weekend training camp?

Daichi sighed. "Well, she did ask Takeda and I beforehand and we didn't have it in us to tell her no. Besides, she is a big help to us. She's been doing a lot more than talk to the second years as of recently. Don't you think you're worrying too much about it? I'm sure she won't make a move on you again, especially now that you've got a girlfriend."

"She doesn't know that, dammit." I cross my arms and sink into my seat. I knew that she wouldn't take the news lightly when she found out. If I were lucky, she would last her entire stay in Japan without knowing.

He sighs again, adjusting himself in the seat. "Koushi, just fall asleep. We'll be there in only an hour."

It didn't hurt me that Daichi didn't want to talk about Eclair. She was draining, after all. I prayed that she wouldn't be causing issues during this weekend. The last thing I needed was another inconvenience.

Instead of sitting with Kiyoko the way she usually did, she had to sit alone. Eclair insisted she take her spot next to Kiyoko, but Y/n didn't want to make a big deal of it.

As the bus began driving off into the evening, I look over to the girl, observing her tired eyes as they wander over the valleys outside. Did she mind being alone? I wasn't sure. All I knew was that I wanted more than anything to sneak over to her seat when no one was looking. To have her head rest nicely on my shoulder.

'Would anyone even notice if I were gone?' I think to myself, checking if my best friend was still awake. Sure enough, he was dozing off against the window, giving me an open spot to sneak up next to her.

Careful not to be noticed by Takeda or any other volleyball members, I crouch over to the seat in front of mine. Y/n looks over in a flash, taking both her earphones out. "Kou, what are you doing? Are you allowed to sit next to me?" She whispers to me before the two of us lock eyes.

"I have no clue, but you look tired," I say to her as she closes her eyes and smiles gently. The orange-colored sunlight showered down on her beautiful features, making my heart melt right there in the moment. Desperate to feel her, I bump her head with my shoulder, offering her a personal pillow. She happily accepts and fits right between my left collar bone, making me beam with joy. I pay close attention to her small flinch when I began to ever so gently squeeze her thigh lovingly. Dear Y/n was finally all mine and no one else's, finally. Of course, I knew she belonged to herself and had personal boundaries that I wouldn't dare cross. She was an independent and reluctant girl after all. But my girl. One I would love forever and ever.

-

Yes I still added fluff at the end what abt it😾

Ily pls note and comment I read every single comment you guys give me and it makes me seriously so happy

- estrxlar

[survivor-ingary]

Episode 9 - "I GOT A SUPER IDOL AKJSDNKSJANDKJ" - Kenneth

At the last tribal, Toph was voted out. During the past round, Keith found an exile ticket in the idol hunt and is in exile this round. The individual immunity this round is a 'chop the rope' style of Touchy Subjects. It will be followed by an instant tribal council.

ANNA OU- the execution of the vote was an absolute mess this is embarrassing y'all... i'm really starting to not trust ellie more and more considering the way this vote went! the way we were originally gonna vote toph but all this mess led to us flipping votes to brayden, which was a fail cuz he played the idol to himself and not toph LOL and not babs giving the idol to ellie cuz she would've gone home tonight!!!!! thank god the end results were still in our favor, getting rid of toph, but raffy is pissed once again lmao. this twist is very interesting, because i knew ahead of time that keith was gonna poof this round but i played dumb and whateva! it's kind of concerning cuz it might actually be a 4-4 split this time which SCARES ME so the extra vote consideration might be even higher. I really wanna win this Touchy Subjects challenge so the votes don't pile onto me (even though I fully believe it'll be either Dennis or Ellie lol)

my bestie toph just went home and im so sad :( he was literally my closest ally in the game and i am literally sooooo sad that he’s gone. but i did use my idol on myself which ended up being good bc if i didnt i would have gone to jury. just like everything is going wrong for me at this point and im on the bottom pretty much with raffy and anastasia. we needed to flip 2 people to have majority, BUT KEITH LEFT TO EXILE ISLAND AND HE WAS THE MAIN OPTION WE WANTED TO FLIP, so now that leaves kenneth and babs and we have to flip both of them or we are out of here. so we have our work cut out for us, but i really think we can flip babs because like they would just get like 6th place without us, and i just gave i think a pretty good pitch to kenneth so i really hope he considers it and doesn't just run and tell his majority alliance like he did with anastasia. anyways the challenge is touchy subjects and im nervous and i kind of am wishing i voted kenneth for biggest goat but i think i put riley and i regret ut. i hope someone says kenneth as biggest goat or something so it opens his eyes and he realizes he is literally number 4 to a solid 3 and should flip and be number 4 in our not at all solid 3. anyways i really hope i live this round

Captain Exile's log, Entry #58. I have been on exile island for an hour. it seems like forever... my mind is slowing turning into mush. I fondly remember the days I would plot Raffy's demise. Those days now seem like a lifetime ago.

I wonder why the 3 time keeping hosts have forsaken to this island, making me a fool by calling it a vacation. I also will never forgive them for not having an exile island hidden immunity idol. I should have asked Jay to send her cat to keep me company. . opportunity missed.

my favorite hobby is writing checks i can't cash

raffy realllllllly seems to trust me

babs realllllllllyyyy trusts me

ellie reallllllllly trusts me

kenneth realllllyyyyyy trusts me

keith reallllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy trusts me and i trust him right back

a+b do not trust me so im gonna have fun with this.

i love that idols just naturally attract themselves to ellie.

i love that keith and i are doing an amazing job as undercover kings and it makes me laugh that raffy completely believes that keith is perfectly in his back pocket. king of delusion.

i stirred up a lot of paranoia but its believable that ellie is the one thats mainly on dat.

excited for touchy subjects would love to win

I'm too nice for orgs. I reload video games when I accidentally select the mean dialogue options because I don't want to hurt any character's feewings. Which... is NOT the same as genuinely thinking everyone is a pleasant person.

Well, as the only person playing this live challenge sort of "remotely" ahead of time I feel like I'm in a really weird position. I guess I'll wake up tomorrow to... something? A clusterfuck most likely.

Brayden round 9 is already over but im pretending im writing this while its round nine

hey everybody its round 9. i played my idol to save myself which was so cool but im sad that i had to do it bc now im really vulrunable and have no protection in this world. my only alliance left is anastasia and raffy and i dont even know if i can actually trust raffy bc he just voted toph off, but like i have no other options. also i jut realized i thimk i actually did send a confessional this round but its ok. the challenge is touchy subjects and i know i have pretty much no chance of winning but i hope i get asked whos a goat so i can say kenneth and maybe he’ll flip. the plan is to go for riley this round since they arent a huge player and hopefulyl anyoen who flips would be fine voting them. i really really really hope tonight isnt a hands up tribal bc that would be really bad ;)

GUESS. FUCKING (freaking for the kids). WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT A SUPER IDOL AKJSDNKSJANDKJSANDJKNASKJDNAKSJ I HONESTLY ALMOST LOST HOPE ON GETTING SOMETHING FROM THE SHOPS AT THIS POINT... The only other time I got something from the shop was my first ever purchase which led to an extra vote! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE because I feel like I have more options moving forward now, and I can make risky, but game-changing moves!! I will absolutely be saving the super idol as much as I can, hello?!?!?! I wanna make it to FTC so bad and ensure my spot in Final 5, so I just have to hold on until then!!!

soooo who's callin' me the fourth wheel to Ellie, Dennis, and Riley? oh? it's Brayden? okay king, step up then <3

holy fuck I hope I can explain this mess to Brayden kljfjkdlsahjkb WHY AM I LIKE THIS

Who is that girl I see?

Staring straight back at me

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

I was completely over Toph's vote out. Like, it just is another demonstration of my "allies" not trusting me. They thought that I told Toph all about the plan to vote him instead of Brayden. They think I ratted to Anastasia and Brayden about the whole deal. It was incredibly frustrating to wake up from a nap with my allies not trusting them. And then they wanted me to vote for Brayden which would have landed Ellie in the jury house. Like, the plan was perfect, but Dennis, Babs, and Ellie just talked themselves into a paranoid mess. After the vote, I managed to talk myself into the good graces of Brayden and Anastasia after voting out Toph. What I said was "If y'all still want to work together, I'm down, but I didn't necessarily trust Toph. Additionally, I was approached like last minute to vote him because of Ellie's idol (they told me about it just before the vote). And I didn't want Brayden to go (didn't know about your idol)." They seemed to buy it?

I went on call with Dennis afterwards and basically asked for Riley to get voted out this round because they are Ellie's immoveable ally. They will never want to work with me. That's dangerous. It could give Ellie a lot of power in this game. Dennis seemed to agree. I also realize that Dennis has a crystal clear view of my game. He knows the type of game I am playing. That scares me. I need to play this game with the knowledge he can turn on me at any time.

My current position is in the middle. I am working with the heads of both sides in this game. I am working with Ellie, Dennis, and Babs on one side. And Anastasia and Brayden on the other. Kenneth is on the Ellie side, but I think my avenues with him are currently closed. What's the most frustrating is that Anastasia and Brayden are so misted by Babs that they can't see that they are LYING. Straight to their faces! Talking about wanting to be allies. Like, I need them not to spill to Babs about anything cause then I would be exposed.

Pray for me y'all.

Kenneth uh this tribal was... literally not in our favor at all... riley was gone the whole time and we didn't throw raffy under our bus when we should have... rip well riley wasnt in my end game plan anyways but its still pretty unfortunate to not have them around for the next couple of votes... i wouldve pitched for raffy harder but it didn't even matter because riley already submitted the vote for brayden :/// just a lil' unfair but it's SURVIVOR i guess!

Keith I woke up to a surprise. I was expecting to be another day on this island but it wasnt to be... This was a round came with a surprise tribal after the challenge. So yayyyy me.... bye bye Exile.

[very-cherry]

Hey. Hi. Big fan. I don't watch half of the shows that you reblog, but your enthusiasm is quality. Um.. this is super personal, so I totally understand if you don't answer, but how did you realise you were nb?

omg im so sorry you have sat through my tags for this long, buddy you deserve better lmao. but no this is super okay to talk about, and ya its personal but im alright with it bc sometimes its nice to talk about?? like its a lot easier to explain over here rather than to my family (rip) but yeah i can get into it. um, itll be under the cut tho bc its a long answer, so if my other followers (or people who may get triggered) dont wanna read like ya theres that

the short answer: i realised last year, bc of everything that piled up and me finally finding the time to sit down and Think About It.

(tl;dr: at the bottom if youre not here for the Super Long answer)

the long answer: gender had never come easily to me as a kid, like i understood that girls played with dolls and that boys played with trucks. but i also was raised in a family where girls could play with trucks too, as long as they still looked like girls. so from the get go i had a v “tomboyish” look about me, and how i presented myself. i found i was v comfy with the tomboy label growing up, bc it meant i could play with the boys but still be sensitive and emotional while the boys werent allowed to feel like that

my biggest stepping stone tbh was (is) my mother. now if youve followed me for a while you probably know that while my mother loves me, and i suppose i love her (still up in the air), our relationship is v v v v Tense. this is due mostly to the fact that she has this preconceived notion of what the world looks like, and how people should act and present themselves. for her, to have me as a child saying “i wanna dress like a boy” “i wanna be a boy” was no biggie bc i was Just A Kid and would grow up to flourish into a beautiful young woman. which, for the most part, i did. but that doesnt mean i enjoyed it. from the age i was allowed to dress myself, my mother and i would fight about my clothing choices (and i literally mean fight. she would refuse to take me somewhere if i didnt dress the way she wanted. would throw my own clothes at me or on the road outside our house etc) and she would dub my clothes “too casual” and tell me to “dress up” and “look a bit more girly, please?” which i now know is totally Gross and not v nice, but at the time i didnt know any better, i hadnt grown into myself. this, alongside many years of condemnation in regards to my interests and hobbies and things i just enjoyed and wanted to talk about, just Didnt Add Up to my mother. she loved having two pretty daughters, pretty daughters who could wear dresses and live out the life she couldnt bc she fell pregnant with my older sister at 19, and thus had to grow up v quickly (no blame on my sister tho, shes my favourite person in the world and shes trying v hard to understand me and loves me v much)

fast forward a couple years: i was 15 when i first developed my eating disorder. quite frankly, it was only upon realising that im nb as to how i figured out what my ed was Actually About. i didnt like my curves. i didnt like being “girly”. i did constant misguided ab workouts and ate three rice cakes for lunch, followed by nothing but a banana until dinner. my sleep patterns were hit and miss bc i would either write away the pain or stay up wondering what this Thing i was feeling was (spoiler: it was dysphoria). i tried super hard to love my curves, to own myself and how i looked, but it never felt Right. i never understood. i would see my psychologist and ramble about my ed and she would pinpoint it and say it was curves and i would always just say “but its not”. bc it wasnt Just Curves, it was the idea as a whole. and it was v confusing and scary, so much like my exploration into my sexuality, i just put it off.

it was combating my ed that helped me most, i think. it was getting over it, and forcing myself back into a natural sleep pattern (so i could actually do year 12 without wrecking myself). i didnt get over it until around april 2016, which was when i fell in love with the idea of self love, and decided to give it a go. i listened to my psychologist, and she was v patient with me, and was cautious with where i placed my blame (”yes its your mothers fault for making you react and feel this way, her words hurt you. but youre the one that decides what to do with that negativity”) and it was so so so helpful. she taught me that i was deserving of love, and positivity, and that loving youself is a process, and it doesnt always work the way you want it to, but you need to find what makes you happy and keep doing that. for me, that tied into my food, my talents, my friends, and my actions. im not going to sit here and claim that fitness is key to happiness, but its part of whats key to mine (to the point that i have been inspired to become a personal trainer and teach other people that being “healthy” isnt just about food and exercise). each person has their own individual things that keep them balanced, and if yours is painting your nails instead of doing sit ups fucking go for it - just make sure you find that thing, because it gives you clarity.

my clarity hit me in the beginning of year 12, when i Sat Down and really had a think. i thought back to how i wanted to look growing up, how i wanted to act, i remembered the day i first had a proper bra bought for me instead of a crop top and the way i cried for hours that night without knowing why. i remember not wearing shirts to bed and then suddenly feeling awful when i started having to. i remembered trying to wear boxer shorts and nothing else around the house and being yelled at. i remembered telling my dad i wanted to look how he did when he was 18, and yelling at him when he said “but dont you want to be pretty like your mum”. i remembered my sister cutting my hair in the dead of night in her bedroom, bc i didnt want to look the way i did. i remembered wearing all these oversized clothes to hide my chest. being uncomfortable when anyone (family or stranger) would say “lady”, “girl”, “miss”, “female”. shrinking into myself when someone pointed out my curves. looking in thw mirror and only smiling when my hands were covering and pushing my chest. looking at the scale and not seeing anything other than a number that meant i was stuck being curved. refusing to go swimming bc it meant having to wear a bikini instead of just board shorts. wanting to play on the mens basketball team, wearing mens clothes, being mad when i suddenly couldnt wear them anymore. overcompensating by wearing midriffs and muscle shirts and short shorts and lacy underwear to impress my boyfriend(s) bc i was their GIRLfriend and this is what I Needed To Do. wearing clothes around my first girlfriend that i was really comfortable in, and her telling me that im still nb even if i have to wear a bra for now, and that she wouldnt ever take my shirt off or act as if my chest ever existed if thats what would keep me comfortable, and me nearly crying bc of how validating and overwhelming it was.

it all hit me at once, and i was struck with the blatant honesty of what this had been all along. id ignored it and shoved it down bc i didnt want to upset my mother, disappoint her. i didnt want to be what she never wanted. but then i remembered that i am deserving of love, even if its only ever from myself. 

so i told my best friend, and she was so wonderful with it, and she asked what pronouns i wanted to use from now on, and she helped me ease into shopping for clothes. and i bought a binder, and it fits v well and i fucking love it. and i told my other friends, and all the ones who matter are v supportive and beautiful (one even offered to make me a suit). and i told my two favourite cousins, and my sister, and they make sure to text me that i should stretch when i wear my binder, or to take deep breaths in case i forget to and its v homey and nice and they want me to be happy. and i blurted it out to my mother and she fucking hates it, and shes threatened to “burn” my binder if she ever sees it, to “rip it off [my] body” if i ever wear it in front of her, that she wants “nothing to do with It” and that “its a fucked up idea” someone has “put into my head”. but you know what? thats okay, bc i Know who i am now. and sometimes things dont always go how you want, and sometimes the people who love you most cant love all of you, and i want you guys to know that if that ever happens, youre not obligated to love them back, okay? love yourself, love those who love All Of You.

tl;dr: years of dysphoria piled onto me when i had a hot ten minutes to fully think about it in between classes.