#I kinda sound like mom here
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Because we have a habit of worshipping animalistic instincts that makes people feel good, for some reason
There's spiritual meanings behind it and it's seen as like the most connection you can have to another human being, which is weird, but also a historic of censorship has probably influenced a extreme switch from taboo to ultimate freedom, and you know humans, they will take the new shiny thing and soil it into the ground until it basically loses all meaning
And that is many things, including sex!
Why are a majority of songs on the radio about sex...?
#seika explains#void memoirs? I already forgot the tag!#Huh#I kinda sound like mom here#(They've spent too much time together oh no-)
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ok the sotr news has been really affecting me and i think it honestly might have to do w the weather 😭😭 like no way would i be in this bad of a mood if it was actually sunny outside
#i looked at the weather and was like “74 degrees and cloudy? yeah a jacket and crop top will do the trick”#and now i’m mad that i’m fucking freezing#i’m wearing pants btw sorry not to make it sound like i’m just raw dogging it with a jacket and shirt#also if i can have a misandry moment one time it was 38 degrees and there were rumors it was gonna SNOW#and for context it NEVER snows here (well… it did almost 100 years ago but i won’t get into it)#so seeing all the guys at school wearing shorts kinda did annoy me i thought they were all doing it for attention#but also i was in high school so everything annoyed me#but omg i’m so scared for halloween every year i am like i cannot be slutty in these conditions#and every year i persevere B)#i complained about that to my mom recently and she told me where SHE grew up as a teenager she had to wear tights under her costume#cos it was so fuckin cold (like frost bite levels of cold) (actually idk that fs im just making things up)#i was sad for her that would so ruin the vibe!
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#im back from a week with my dad at home and at the lake#it was really nice to b home for a while but now im a mess lol#bc it really makes me wanna move back to Appalachia and not do another semester out here#and also this was our 1st trip to the lake without my mom being there. she loved the lake. she grew up on the water and was named after an#island. she died before she could use our new jetski. which my dad bought for her and she would have loved#and i stood in her sandles bc my dad keeps them out by the fireplace and my toes fit almost exactly into the impressions of her feet#and i came come with another bag full of her clothes. and i feel bad for my dad being all alone in that big house#i mean hes got the dogs but theyre 7 and 8 and theyre big boys so they probably dont have all that long left. itll be so sad when they die.#there was a moment where i was talking to the dogs and he said i sounded exactly like my mom. which was kinda intentional#on my part bc i say a lot of things bc she would say them. stolen phrases and intonations. pieces of things ive taken.#its still weird that she's just gone forever. the time in the hospital feels like it was some horrible nightmare.#and now shes never gonna kno where we end up. she's left rooms full of half tumbled rocks and half sorted photos and half organized#classroom supplies. the outlines of a person that will slowly be stitched out of existance as time moves on until theres nothing left and#the memories are gone. its just sad is all. especially bc she didnt deserve it. no one does but expecally not her.#but unfortunately life isnt about getting what you deserve. its chaos and coincidence all the way down.#unrelated
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Did I freak the fuck out on my sister for trying to compare her dad and her having different work schedules to me not having any parents at all like damn get grateful I am not the person to bitch to & the fact you think I am is kinda gross
#but also I feel kinda ignorant for getting upset#like yeah of course you’ll grieve our moms passing im here for that but you’re not alone#and to act that way when I’d kill for a parental figure in my life idk kinda hurts my soul#I just think you should still appreciate what you do have not try to make it a game of who’s had it worse#idc if you still have a parent but you best be feeling blessed before you come bitch to me about different work schedules#and I know I probably sound selfish but I’ve been enabling this convo for over a year now#but she doesn’t take my feelings or life into consideration when it is brought up#and we have very different lives idk you’d never believe she’s 7 years older that’s forsure
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Do not get the wrong idea… although my username and icon are lesbianusahana and I frequently talk about how gay I am I’d actually rather jump out a window on a several story tall building than come out to my family as a lesbian
#꒰🥀꒱ ❝ Tragic Prose ❞#RAZ LORE LIGHTNING ROUND for the new followers#don’t get the wrong idea! I love my mom. I’m very blessed to have such a tolerant and supportive mom#HOWEVER. just because she’s supportive doesn’t mean she’s normal. huge difference#she frequently gossips about her gay coworkers and despite pushing 50 is one of those Fandom Mom fujoshis who frequents AO3 religiously#I remember when I tried to initially ID as a lesbian I never came out. she found out by going on my Instagram profile and reading my carrd#fortunately she took it like a champ and was completely fine with it!#and honestly I would’ve been fine if she didn’t. y’know. make really uncomfortable jokes about lesbian sex to me#if I sound like I’m lying I promise I’m not. she’s just like that. she’s a walking talking Oppa Homeless Style kinda person#and don’t get me started on my dad. I wouldn’t say he’s bigoted per se I genuinely think he’s too stupid to actually be a bigot#years ago we went back to school shopping and I found this cute hat with a really small rainbow on it#and he was really hesitant on getting it because. he thought I’d be bullied. if kids thought I was gay.#and on the same shopping trip I showed him this Polaroid shirt I got with rainbow colors#and he said#(and I quote)#‘Oh because of gay rights?’#which is. uh. huh???#yeah I don’t think he has it in him to be bigoted but his little walnut sized brain would explode#fortunately my older sister is very cool. when I thought I was transmasc for a while she took it super well#so I don’t think she’ll care if I ever come out to her#see here’s the thing. my mom and sister technically know I’m gay#well. my explanation is ‘I’m bi but I prefer girls’ which they get. trying to tell them I’m a lesbian again is too risky a gamble#anyways. tangent over just was mulling over some stuff
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what's wild about imagine ballet star for the ds is that if you play the girls' stories in the order that they appear on the character select they're basically ordered from whose story is the most lighthearted to the most emotional
keira: I saw an amazing ballet recital in england and now i'm striving to become as great a ballerina as them!
swan: my parents are rich but they're never around and i never get to spend any time with them because they're always traveling for work. i'm also in basically an arranged relationship with a boy that he doesn't want to want to be in but i have actual feelings for him
margarete: i was overshadowed by my twin sister in ballet before she was killed in a car accident and then my parents divorced
#including naomi in this would've kinda thrown this off#since i think her story is sometimes more emotional than swan's but not as much as margarete's#but in the character select she's between keira and swan#im sorry naomi; nintendo/ubisoft/spike(?) has already neglected you so much#this post probably sounds like keira slander but i promise i think all the girls are great + all their stories have their emotional moments#(i am guilty of margarete favouritism though)#also for margarete's story it doesn't actually specifically say her parents divorced#but she does say things started falling apart between them not long after arora's death#and that margarete just lives with her mom in japan while her dad still lives in germany#sorry for yapping i don't think anyone even goes here 💀#keira tendo#swan nayvous#margarete itsumura#imagine ballet star#s0dabeach talks
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I think the biggest red flag for me regarding the hopelesspeaches and lio convoy stuff, their entire group (especially lio) has near identical speech patterns and dynamics as my mom's online friend group. Which is less of a red flag and more of a raging wildfire tbh
#I listened to all the calls when they 'leaked' but I didn't know they were leaks I thought lio posted that stuff proudly#I didn't know that they weren't meant to be seen by the public until just now lol#Anyways I'm pleasantly surprised people are talking about how fucked up they were#Bc tbh when I was like 'oh this makes peaches (and everyone else) look like a bitch kinda' the first time I heard the calls-#I thought I was maybe being too judgey or sensitive or something?#But now everyone else is like 'yeah they are all being bitches actually' im like. Oh! So I understood right and wasn't just overreacting#Mostly bc lio was ranting about being a conservative Christian and weird 'nuclear family values' on one call and my immediate thought was#'oh gross Im too biased against this man to be able to look at this-#-discussion objectively. I'm gonna think he sucks regardless of the situation and therefore idk lf im a fair judge ?'#So it's cool to get confirmation from other ppl saying 'oh no ur right he sucks and here's why'#this is the 2nd time this week I got 'no youre not just overreacting. Other ppl are upset too' validation abt a topic. cool#//shade#I'm sure there's plenty of found family groups online that are great but so many of the ones i hear abt feel like a cult imo#My mom is in a group where this dude calls her and other women there his daughters like lio does to peaches and it feels gross to me idk#Ik everyone craves found family connections but. Idkk it feels weird to be taking that in a literal sense and calling them dad/my daughter#Feels like introducing unnecessary power dynamics.#Theres a difference between 'oh this person is like family to me because we're so close'#vs 'oh i am adopting this person and assuming a parental position over them'. that sounds unhealthy I think ?#Edit I just found out lio posted a response but it's midnight and I have a date tomorrow I'm not watching that rn lol#imo both him and peaches are bad and idc if one is worse than the other or whatever.#Peaches has been two faced for a while; lio might've taken advantage of her bc he's kinda creepy. They're both saying the other abused them#This is like jade and julian talking shit about each other to me. Idc guys I hate both of u srry <3#Iykyk
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Bro just remembered why are so much of my friends opps.
today at lunch UNPROMPTED my friend was like “why don’t you have an accent like your mom” and it’s like it was so out of nowhere for no reason. And I was like wdym so she was like your mom has a Spanish accent and when I was like I don’t really notice it I don’t think it’s that strong she was like “that’s because you live with her”. that honestly had me pressed bc like first of all my moms English is amazing she is like completely fluent and has not had any problems in the OVER 20 years she has lived in this country. But also like English is my first language wdym why don’t I have an accent of someone who’s esl.
#mylife#Like genuinely I’m getting pissed off post fact thinking about this bc like what#It’s like when I was with another friend and she was talking about the way Hispanic people talk but I don’t talk like that and#“I get what she means”#In my home area I never felt like I was a ethnic minority but this place blows. Like up here really drives home that I am not white enough#Like not to sound like every basic mixed person but back home (at least I thought) I was giving white#But in this town I’m constantly being clocked and honestly kinda insulted#Bro my mom is bilingual your ass can barely say “how are you” in another language#My mom has been in this country longer than you have been alive 🤩🤩🤩#People are always such assholes about the way people talk#Like this is a topic that gets me pressed on the regular so it’s like I hate it when my friends do it to me
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well friends I have officially joined the Chronic Pain Club, it’s not great to be here, there’s a chance it’s only temporary but my gut says ‘hmm many doubts’ and I won’t really know for a couple of weeks anyway until my doctors appointment. So. Been navigating that for four days and well we’re navigating at least
#there’s some sort of apollo prophecy dodgeball meme joke here#re me being close to many people w/ chronic pain/illness and being a strong empath#and already using spoon theory periodically for the mental health shite#‘ha ha wow this is so useful I’m glad spoonies consider mental health strugglers part of this too!’ and then I need you to imagine#that very specific TUNK sound a dodgeball makes#those thoughts have been living in my brain this weekend. anyway#mark and di if you happen to see this. TUNK (the dodgeball sound)#maybe it’s more irony than prophecy but as I said the thoughts have been there#I went to urgent care then the er thurs night because I spent an entire workday and over 8 hrs in severe abd pain#and it started on the lower right side so of course worried about appendix/gallbladder/etc#urgent care said yeah go to the er cause no matter what you need diagnostic imaging#and they asked have you ever had ovarian cysts I said no but my mom has (there’s thoughts it can be genetic)#do an ultrasound and sure enough I’ve got em!#and doing some reading up after the fact ‘most are asymptomatic and go away on their own!’ I was like well fuck#I mean that’s great but I’ve already failed the requirements I had STRONG symptoms#ibuprofen didn’t do a thing for the pain. until yesterday the hydrocodone they prescribed was all that would#yesterday experimented with three ibuprofen and that does help thankfully#so yeah needless to say I’m not very optimistic this is a ‘goes away on it’s own’ kinda cyst#but my obgyn is really booked and even squeezing me in/getting me in sooner is two weeks away#which is okay I get it healthcare is a mess#but yeah that means chronic pain for the foreseeable future#¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it is what it is#we’re navigating at least that’s all I can ask for#very glad I have today off because it was a very eventful weekend and I need an additional rest day lmao#but started off with low spoons because didn’t sleep well + pain so we’ll see how today goes#Cassie rambles#chronic pain shite#I have the mental health shite tag. might as well start that one lmao /cries
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I also got a bloody nose while waiting in line at macys and i was sniffling tryna get thru the transaction and sat on the bench holding tissue to my nose, blood on my face cause i had to hold my nose with my palm at one point and got it on my face while my mom went to find tissue or something and it made me so tired and dizzy i almost threw up and almost fell over in another store and ended my day with 15min left in the mall where in which i had to sit down and accept defeat
#sorry if it sounds kinda whiney#but like this is my blog my diary so i get to be#but also like i treasure a good mall day with my mom its just like my fave thing#and it went exactly how i didnt want it to go#and my dehydrated little brain fried itself when i had to deviate from my plan and routine#like we always go to f21 and go to the top floor to look at clearence and everyone mumbled aroune the ground floor#and in my head i was like no!! we arent following the rules!! stop!! this isnt how you properly go to the mall!#im not gonna get an A in going to the mall which is normal to want and achive#and then we went into hot topic which is thr size of a large book closet and my cousi. walked near me and was like ur still here?#girl what do you mean im still here we've only been in here 20min im in the other corner 15 steps away from you#also the cashier lady at macys somehow knew my last name? even tho i didnt give an email or a phone number to my reccolection?#she handed me my stuff as i was on the phone with my mom being like hey pls find tissues asap and she saif have a nice day miss last name#and it threw me off but i was preoccupied trying not to have an bloody nose in the macys since the one on friday was horrendous#and it was all dripping down the back of my throat i ended up spitting it out in the thrashcan by the exit#but like how did she know? cause i have the like point account but i didnt give it to her does my card info popup on screen?#is my card like linked somehow and i popped up that way idk it was weird#but i got a v e r y nice shirt for 10 bucks#i did give her my zipcode so maybe that?
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Few things piss me off more than when I'm researching something, and I find someone asking the question I want answered, and the response is just "you shouldn't want that, just do this instead"
Today, it's me trying to look up a build for this witch farm concept that uses raid captains to manipulate the witches ai instead of using redstone
"Just use the shifting floors farms, they're just about as good" people respond... you stupid prick, that's not an answer to the question actually asked. I don't know about these guys, but me, I want it cause it's novel and there's no redstone, and I like putting bespoke prestige projects on my server... you might have noticed I tend to do form over function on a lot of my farms... so this is about form, the function is just a bonus
Second example, I wanted to see if there was any way to make Terra Invicta load faster, "just don't save scum"... you idiot, one that's just stupid advice, people can play games however they want, but two this once again doesn't answer the question
Like yeah, how dare people want to know if there's a way to make a game load saves faster when loading takes like 1 minute
If they at least phrased stuff like "sorry, I don't know how to do that, he's an alternative you might try", it's not helpful but it's at least polite
But man... I just get tired of people not answering the question being asked and instead answering the one they've decided was asked
(Actually, a legit real problem in the real world such as... with doctors who don't listen to their patient and decide they know what's really being asked. Don't do it, answer the asked question, or at least ask questions to confirm what's being asked before going off pig headed)
#anyway; pouring over unhelpful people one dropped a mention that Doc from hermit craft seems to have built this design this season#so now I have to track down that... while youtube's acting stupid like it always does after I've left my computer on a few days#no other websites have an issue; but youtube basically becomes unresponsive for like 5 seconds every 10 seconds#the video plays fine if it's already going; but if I try to start or stop it or click anything it doesn't#wonderful website you have their youtube; I'm sure it's not a windows style processor hog or anything#...I'm also in a bad mood; like I'm fucking hair trigger at the moment; cause of one of my mom's sneezing fits hours ago#I know it sounds stupid; and honestly it feels like I must be faking it or something#but when I hear her do that (and it lasts for minutes; she never sneezes less than like 20 times at the top of her lungs)#I actually start smashing my fucking head with the heels of my hands; like against the ears and temples#have to fucking race for rain sounds and turn them up to max; and then I just kinda sit there rocking like a crazy person#...I don't know... probably has something to do with... some kinda shit in my childhood... can't really put it into words or anything concr#but yeah... this kinda thing already pisses me off on a good day cause conceptually it's a jackass move#'oh; you asked a question? well you're stupid and wrong for wanting this; you should just be me instead'#like I could imagine if you asked someone how to do wood burning having them say 'you can't; you can only cut it with power tools'#that's the kind of mentality going on here#slime chunks are another good example; I wanted to know if there's a way to trim them cause they kinda piss me off#short answer no; they seem to be even more baked into the seed than biomes are these days... which sucks; but it's a full answer#but 'just spawn proof with slabs and buttons' is a stupid fucking answer you moron#oh shit; I never considered the obvious... thanks; it's not like maybe people want a certain vibe to a room they built#2010 ass builders; like yeah; in the end I'm just gonna discretely add spawn proofing where I need it#but... that wasn't the fucking question#anyway; point is this pisses me off anyway; but I'm also so angry on like... a physical level; everything has me spitting bullets#like I had to make my cats leave my room because physically hearing my mom sneeze just upsets me so much that...#well... I kinda lose control; not like where I'd kick the cats or something; but where I might slap them away#so it's just... fuck; I hate that I often end up raising my voice in that state and yelling#I prefer when I at least keep it together enough to stay in a measured tone as I'm like 'move move move' herding them out#but yeah... it fucks me up on a really physical level#even now hours later when I've kinda calmed down; Bart's laying next to me and part of me just wants to shove him away#cause I just can't fucking stand anything at the moment#on a intellectual level... I fucking hate it cause I'm not even that mad; and I want Bart here
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there’s no way to express that people keep randomly reaching out to me to talk daily and at length and keep pushing for my space in my life and i really don’t need or more importantly WANT that politely there’s no good way to say that politely
#personal#it just sounds awful! and it makes me feel kinda bad!!!#but people keep like contacting me and just#i’m responding but not reciprocating? if that makes sense? and they’re not doing anything bad by trying to make new connections#and if i really don’t enjoy talking to someone i should just tell them#but it’s not even that i don’t like these people or talking it’s just the frequency and again no good way to say#hey! i’m not really open to expanding our relationship rn. ur fine i like you fine but im dealing with a lot and dont need anything new in#my life in the moment. like no good way to say#and also i hate the ball being put in my court. you came to me. i wasn’t seeking anything i was just here#and then with several of these relationships from their end they want to vent or talk about something that needs real consideration#like art criticism or saying what i like or again venting and other stuff#and it’s like man i am. drinking heavily. i’m having breakdowns bc im not sure my mom is gaslighting me on purpose#i have a full#time job i routinely do OT for and a million other things#i don’t want to be anyone’s rock rn#at least not anyone who’s not a close friend or family#cause if it was any of my besties asking hey can you come to my house so i’m not alone :(#i’m on my way that’s barley anything#girl from high school i had one class with who i have never hung out with uh. no#i don’t want to go to ur house after a 12 hour shift#and there’s a very mean question of like. do you have friends ur closer wirh?#not even judging just like we are not close. do you have closer friends?#and then it’s hard to do replies bc like how are you graham ! how’s life!#i don’t feel comfortable telling you the intimacies of my life and struggles rn#but i can’t give the basic good and you bc you are actively asking for more than that#so i have to think of an appropriate response ask you back and now it’s a vent session about ur life#and then so much is put on you for something you didn’t ask for#like this girl replied to my insta story like can we play iphone games again :(#as much love as i can muster we are grown adults i was just at work. just send the game!!!#i know i’m the weird one here it’s just. a lot of people want relationships with me and i’m tired and don’t need or want more at the moment
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#its seems we really may be at the end of vanity#i missed a call from my dad and thought we might be in a connors birthday situation but no. not yet#he did say that it feels like this is it bc my mom's situation is complicated bc she has so much wrong at this point#its like a h0use md episode. the doctors dont seem to kno what to do and shes not very coherent#so my dad was saying that i should look at flights and by tonight hell let me kno if i should pull the trigger and buy a one way ticket home#it sucks. he sounds rough. i feel so bad for him. his wife of 29 years is dying#its not fair. shes only 53#i wanna be there but im stuck here across the country. i wanna go home. thats a bit frighting tho bc itll take me at least 10 hrs to travel#and i dont want her to die while im in the air but i also dont want her to suffer#i hope she gets better but if she doenst i hope its fast. there dont seem to do any good options. shes so tried and its so complicated#and if she does get better than this then what would that even mean? my sister says it doesnt feel like there will b a better anymore after#this. and bless her to the ends of the earth she reached out this morning and was giving me updates#comforting to kno im not just being dramatic. its actually just really bleak#its kinda funny tho. my sister was like meh it doesnt seem so bad and then like 10min later she was like yeah no i was wrong its sorta#horrible apprently shes been deterorating#god. if i go back home do i take clothes for a funeral? do i keep up to date with my genomics class? will i become offset from my graduate#cohort? will i get my wish to play with legos at home? all questions worth considering#well. ill deal with whatever comes. so it goes. itll b fine. i mean ill b fine#just sad ya kno?#three weeks ago she was alright and saying she could fly out to take care of me after oral surgery#now shes dying#unrelated
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dude my mom only started saying her sciatica was hurting bc she was convinced larry was seeing someone now (hes literally not) and then when we like. weren't giving her enough attention, we both got sick, and shes SO FUCKING PISSED. thats why she was so mad at larry when he tested positive for covid. omfg
#tongue#narc moms are another BREEEEEED bro#i tried cleaning the cat boxes and almost completely collapsed bc im just too fucking sick#and so she acted like i was holding a fucking gun to her head to clean the litter boxes and like#complained about how larry and i are forcing her to do all the work around the house even tho shes 'also sick'#which btw she lied snd shes never even taken a covid test#shes just saying she tested positive bc she was exposed to larry and i#insane. shes fucking insane#anwyay i was literally holding the trash bag and she was bitching about how nobody is helping. girl....#i was so tempted to just let go of the bag but i literally cant stand for more than a minute let alone argue with this woman#i cant even talk and shes absolutely taking advantage of that#and also keeps asking why the cat box is gross whrn she 'just cleaned it' as if we dont havr two cats and that was four days ago#ill stop now but oh my god lmao i cant stand it here#lowkey ER sounds kinda nice bc at least i wont have to hear her cleaning as loud as possible so everyone in the house knows shes angry
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Girl, Oliver says he's moving to Spain with his 1.5 year gf and I'm like bro...
#miranda talking shit#I know he's different from me and hate our country and all that but damn#The gf got an work offering and will finish her well paying degree soon#So... The plan is to move to Barcelon... And... She got work... My man has not finished high-school and knows barely any Spanish#They haven't even lived together here in our city? I sound like a worried mom but my god#If it goes through I hope it goes well. Bc if she decides to dump him or similar he'll just be kinda stuck in a country he doesn't know#Without family or friends. But he doesn't think that way...#Well sounds like it won't be until next year...? So... Things may change but mein gott#I love and support you my man but I'm so worried
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I barely register that we are 2024 right now what do you mean my birthday is in 10 days and I’m going to be 26 😭😭😭😭😭
#i just realize if I want to celebrate it Need to me next Saturday cause my parents anniversary is June 1st#so now I’m panicking a little since it’s last minute ckdbjdjd#but I kinda want to hold a game night#my cousin dosen’t have her kid and her sister just separated I think it would do her good 🥺#and I guess she has her kids on the same weekend the other has hers so they can see each other#I’ll have to ask#cause no job and my parents don’t have a lot of money especially my mom she had to pay for Puppy’s pills 😭#i usually go bowling but that sounds fun too especially since we didn’t do it on new year like usual#Idk if their brother is free it would be perfect (since he’s my godfather and I never see him)#and if need to I’ll make my own cake bfkdbdjjd#and I don’t like it that much but my dad can make his spaghetti my family love it so much and it wouldn’t be pricy to do for a lot of people#i Need to talk to them about it I hope they accept 😭#i also need to make me aunt leave her house 😂 she will for me and her daughters (kids the third one is free) 😌#i don’t think my brother will be here tho I saw him every weekend this month 😭 ckbsjd#at least he wasn’t annoying this time he was super nice#the last time I saw him I wanted to beat him up#I’m a simple girl I just need a cake and family to have a happy bday 🥰#i also need to look for gift that don’t cost a lot cause my mom want to make me a gift and like I said the money is limited#it’s okay if I don’t have a game or Pokémon cards for once ekxbdjdn#or albums#unless I can find one that is surprisingly not pricy but I don’t think it exist 😂#my dad’s gift is my Purki tickets so it’s only her#alex.txt
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