#I just wanted to feel smart and erudite and make other people respect me and think I was clever

[laurelindebear]

Every now and then, in the summer when the heat makes the asphalt smell just so, or I stop into the mini-mart in the evening, I am suddenly nineteen in Paris, on my own away from home for the first time. I am young again, and I am old. I am another person who cannot be me yet. I am the one who knows who she will be. I am her and I am me, and in my mind's infinity mirror I am all of mes in between: floating in a memory forever, every now and every then.

[dauntless-gothamite]

Prove Them Wrong [5/?]

Fandom: Divergent Pairing: Eric Coulter x Fem! Reader Summary: Y/N is a Dauntless transfer from Erudite, and she has a drive, an ambition that sets her apart--it always has, even back in Erudite. She brings her perseverance (and need to prove others wrong) to Dauntless when she transfers, and she uses her mind to make her way through the initiation process. Along the way, she makes friends and enemies, and she finds herself comfortable around the man most people in Dauntless avoid at all costs: Eric Coulter. A/N: I am so glad people are enjoying this so far! I am having a great time writing it, and I am excited about the chapters that are yet to come. I’d love if you let me know what you think of this new chapter, but no pressure, enjoy!!

The next morning, as all the other transfers ran laps, you made your way to the infirmary for physical therapy. When you got there, the doctor who had stitched you up the day before waved at you in greeting. “Hello, Y/N, how is the leg doing?”

“Better than yesterday,” you replied with a small smile. 

“Glad to hear it,” she replied. “You’ll be working with Andre today, he’s one of our physical therapists,” she said and pointed to Andre, who was standing a few feet away and waved. 

“Alright, thanks,” you said and started walking towards Andre. “Nice to meet you,” you said and stuck out your hand.

“Likewise,” Andre said and shook your outstretched hand. “So the program I have designed for you focuses more on keeping your leg muscles engaged without running the risk of tearing your stitches open more than recovery because the injury is serious but ultimately, it is just a deep laceration.” You nodded in understanding, and he led you over to a stationary bike. “For the next half hour, you are going to ride this bike. I want you to work your leg muscles and cardio system, but do not put more strain on your legs than necessary, the last thing I want is to tear those stitches or for your leg to start bleeding. Here is a set of headphones that hook up to the bike’s electronic system; I know riding a stationary bike for half an hour can get boring, so feel free to listen to music while you work. I’ll come get you in half an hour, but you can call me over at any point.”

“Sounds good, thanks,” you said before getting on the bike and connecting the headphones to browse the music selection for a little while before settling on an upbeat song with a strong bass beat. Then you got to pedaling. 

--

You were sweating--not as much as you did during regular training, but you were still getting a good workout in--when the thirty minutes ended. Andre walked over to you and helped you get off the bike, and it took you a second to adjust to the solid ground beneath your feet. “Good job,” Andre said. “It really seemed like you were pushing yourself while still respecting the boundaries set by the injury. That’s smart, if you keep this up, you’ll probably heal quickly. Most dauntless go all out and reinjure themselves, so it takes even longer to heal. But I see you have some brains, a good quality for future dauntless.”

“Thanks,” you beamed at him.

“Y/N,” someone said, waving you over from the entrance of the infirmary. You turned to see Four standing there, and you furrowed your brow; you were supposed to be at physical therapy for another half hour before going back to the training room. 

“What’s going on?” you asked as you walked over to him, Andre right behind you.

“Eric changed the plan, we are working with crossbows today instead of fighting, and since you can participate in this, I came to get you while he explains what's going on to the other initiates,” he explained. “Although, perhaps leaving them alone with him wasn’t the best idea,” he said, half-joking, earning a smile from you. 

“Alright, let’s go then. I’ll see you next time, Andre,” you said to the physical therapist as Four walked with you back to the training room. “So… what’s up,” you said to fill the awkward silence that settled between you and Four as you two walked. He looked at you, amused. 

“Oh, you know. Training initiates.” You laughed at his bluntness. 

“Right,” you chuckled. “So, why did Eric change the plan?” you asked cautiously.

“I’m not entirely sure,” Four shrugged. “Though I suspect it has to do with the fact that he’s particularly… grumpy today, and he probably wants to shoot arrows at someone.”

“Well, that does sound like a very real possibility,” you agreed, and the two of you reached the training room to see Eric walking up and down the line of initiates holding crossbows and aiming at targets, aggressively yanking them into the correct positions, yelling all the while.

“Finally,” he snapped as you picked up a bow and walked to the end of the line, lining yourself up with the target. You closed your eyes to prevent yourself from rolling them at his comment while he continued roughly moving arms and legs of different initiates, sometimes making them wince in shock, surprise at the force, pain, or all three. When he got to Tris, who was right next to you, he looked her up and down, moved her arms, and said “Back straight, initiate! With that posture, you’ll shoot yourself in the foot, assuming you even get the arrow out of the crossbow!” He waited for a second for her to move, but he quickly became frustrated and yelled to Four, “Four, you deal with this one, I’m going to catch Y/N up, since she has finally graced us with her presence,” he said sarcastically. Tris made eye contact with you, and you knew she was wishing you luck, making you smile a bit. 

“Alright,” Eric said, turning to you. Turn sideways, aim down the line, legs shoulder distance apart. Don’t lock the knees, but stand straight. Non-dominant arm straight, other arm pulls the string back once the arrow is notched, pulling with the middle three fingers. Pull the string all the way back to your ear, look down the line, and shoot. Go,” he said, stepping back and watching with crossed arms. You took the stance Eric had described as well as possible, and Eric’s hands landed on your hips, turning them just the slightest bit. Then, as quickly as they had landed there, they were gone. “Same thing as with the punch, initiate. The angle of your hips matters; it’s where your legs and torso connect, so there’s a lot of power there. You can use your core to help your arm pull the string back further, allowing you to aim better and send a more forceful arrow.” You nodded, notching an arrow, pulling back, and looking down the arrow towards the target. Without hesitation, you released, and the arrow landed mere millimeters from the bull’s eye. “Good,” Eric nodded, walking away. 

As you reached for the next arrow, Tris said, “What the hell just happened?”

“What do you mean?” you asked. 

“Eric. He made us run fifty laps, then he changed up the plan and told us all to take an archery stance. Then, he walked up and down the line, pushing and pulling people into the right positions--I think he almost sprained Al’s shoulder! And then, just now, he just… what, turned your hips? No yanking or bending at unnatural angles or anything!”

“It’s probably just because I got injured yesterday and he doesn’t want to reopen the wound,” you shrugged. 

“Maybe,” Tris said with a sigh. “But still, that was… weird.”

“As opposed to the way Four helped you?” you countered, and she blushed. If she thought you hadn’t noticed the way Four had helped her by taking a softer approach than Eric, she was in for a surprise.

“It’s better to try and get into a position you have a hard time with when you exhale,” she defended, knowing you’d heard Four’s suggestion of a quick breathing exercise. 

“I know,” you smirked. 

“Ugh, let’s just get back to shooting,” she said, and you laughed.

“You two, shut up and get shooting,” Eric’s voice called out, quieting your laughter and causing both Tris and yourself to fall silent. You both made eye contact though, took aim, and released your arrows at the same time, each sending a swift arrow into the center of your respective targets, pride for both yourself and your friend rising inside of you.

“Ten more minutes,” Four called out. “After that, you will retrieve your arrows, put your equipment away, and get to lunch. So give it your all!” 

You took a deep breath, and each arrow you shot for the next ten minutes was aimed with extreme precision, resulting in a pretty crowded center of the target when Four called for everyone to stop. It also made the job of retrieving arrows easier since they were all in one area, which you were grateful for as you pulled each one out of the target. 

As you and Tris walked over to the storage cabinets to put your bow and arrows away, Will and Christina jogged over to you guys, having already put their stuff away. “How was physical therapy this morning, Y/N,” Will asked as he came to a stop. 

“It was good,” you replied, “I just rode a stationary bike so I could get a cardio workout and engage my leg muscles as well as my core in a more controlled setting.”

“That makes sense,” he nodded in approval. “I’m glad it went well. The rest of us had to run around here fifty times!”

“So I heard,” you said, still surprised at the number of laps your friends had run that morning. “And this one here,” he put an arm around Christina’s shoulders, “was one of the first people to finish!”

“Congratulations!” you said with a smile to Christina. She had set a goal for herself to improve her cardio, and it would seem she had reached it. “I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks,” she smiled, blushing slightly at the contact with Will. “So, wanna get out of here and grab some lunch?”

“That sounds great to me,” you nodded, ready to go. 

“Y/N,” Eric said loudly from across the room as he strode towards you and your friends. 

“Yes?”

“Before you go, I want to take a look at your leg; there’s a first-aid kit in here and I want to see if it needs cleaning seeing as you sweat earlier. The last thing I need to deal with is an infection.”

“Alright,” you said and walked over to the bench, your friends following you. You rolled up the leg of your sweatpants, and thankfully, the wound didn’t look too irritated. 

Nodding, Eric said, “It looks good, but make sure to clean it well later. Use soap and water, and halfway through the day or between workouts, I would recommend disinfecting it.”

“Is there anything I can use now? Just to be safe?” He nodded and grabbed the first aid kit from a shelf on the wall, opened it up, and grabbed a hydrogen peroxide wipe. 

“Here,” he said, handing it to you. “There is also some cream here which you’ll be glad to have once you feel the sting of that wipe,” he said, handing you some ointment. 

“Thanks,” you said as you ripped open the hydrogen peroxide wipe and cleaned the wound. 

You hissed as it stung, and Eric sounded further when he said, “Told you,” since he was putting the kit back. You grunted in acknowledgement, and after wiping the area down, you put some of the ointment on, which was a much nicer way of keeping the area clean. Then, you rolled down your pant leg, stood, and made to toss the ointment back to Eric, but before you could, he said “Keep it.”

“Thanks,” you said, surprised as you pocketed it. Eric simply nodded. 

“Now get out of here,” he said, “go eat lunch.” And with that, you were swept out of the training room by your friends. 

--

“So, we missed you at dinner last night,” Christina said as you and your friends sat down at a table in the dining hall. “Although I totally get that you had other things to worry about. You did get to eat though, right? We wanted to save you some food, but it was pasta night, and everyone had to fight just to get their fair share.”

“That’s sweet of you guys,” you said. “Four tried to do the same thing, but he was too late. “Luckily, Eric had a backup plan.” 

“Oh my god, did you eat dinner with Eric?” Tris whisper-yelled, making eye contact with Christina, whose jaw was hanging open. 

“Yeah, last night was a lot. I waited in his apartment while he got me some sweatpants, which are really comfy, and then he got back and made ‘low-carb enchiladas’ for dinner.”

“Of course they’d be low-carb, Will said, rolling his eyes.”

“Were they good?” Christina asked.

“They were so good,” you nodded. 

“How was the company?” Tris asked.

“Honestly it was fine. I think that the fact that we didn’t talk because we were both tired prevented an argument from breaking out.”

“That’s good,” Christina said. “I’m glad he wasn’t completely horrible to you after you’d just gotten hurt. Although, I have to ask, why wasn’t he completely horrible to you today? I didn’t think he’d have that long of a ‘grace period’ after injuries.”

“He probably didn’t want to reopen the wound,” you said, repeating what you’d said to Tris earlier. “Why are you guys so interested in him?”

“Because he is the scariest person here, and he just gave you some ointment for your leg, which is the exact opposite of what it seems like he would do!” Will said. 

“You do have a point,” you admitted. “Look, I don’t know, but it doesn’t really matter. Besides, we still have to talk about the way Four keeps eyeing Tris,” you said, smirking evilly as you turned the attention away from yourself, launching a new line of questioning, this time aimed at your friend.

Tag List: @shykoolaid, @taina-eny​, @parabatai-winchester​, @marvel-ousnesss​, @kid-from-new-zealand​, @polychr0matic​

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Rachel Nobel / Rae Lynn

Rachel Nobel, aka Rae Lynn, has 2 fics at Gossamer, but she’s written many more X-Files stories than that. You can also find fics by her at AO3 and various other archives. She’s one of the rare, special authors who’s posted numerous fic during the show’s original run and again in recent years. Big thanks to Rachel for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)? Absolutely. I joined a Facebook group for fanfic writers where someone recognized my name and asked about some of my stories that have disappeared from the Internet, and I almost fell off my chair. On the other hand, I go back and read original-run fanfic all the time - the Wayback Machine is my best friend for all the late great fanfic archives. Like fine wines, they get better with age! What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it? I was fairly young during the peak of the fandom - I was only 12 when I started watching the show and discovered the fandom online. A few years ago, right around the time we learned the revival was coming, I wrote an essay I called "How 'The X-Files' defined my adolescence," in which I wrote: "If you think about it, 'The X-Files' is a lot like adolescence: You start out thinking it's going to be a little hokey, NBD, and then you end up in its thrall, captivated and occasionally hugely let down. A lot of people behave strangely, and no one gets out unscathed. Mulder, in his own weird way, is the perfect mirror for an adolescent: He doesn't fit in; his life careens between being utterly consequential to the fate of the known universe and being completely pointless; he's socially awkward and can't quite nail it down with the girl of his dreams."

So for me, the fandom is inextricably bound up with adolescence, that feeling of vacillating between desperate loneliness and being on the verge of something enormously significant. Take romance: I was a bit of a late bloomer, and when all my friends were exploring their first relationships I was watching Mulder and Scully navigate this beautiful, complicated, soulful relationship without ever even kissing. That was deeply affecting for me as a teen.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)? I started out on mailing lists - there was an EMXC mailing list and one that I think was called X-Angst. [Lilydale note: There was a mailing list called XAngst Anonymous.] This was back at the dawn of the Internet when I only had 10 hours of AOL access a month, and I remember using what AOL called a "FlashSession" to log on, download all the fanfic from the mailing list and log off to read it. I vividly remember the excitement of watching all that new fanfic flood my inbox! Later on I was on atxc. During the long summer between "Gethsemane" and "Redux," it felt like fanfic was at its peak. There was a group of about a dozen women who got together (virtually) to discuss a work in progress by Lydia Bower called "Primal Sympathy." We called ourselves the "Primal Screamers," and we had our own website with fanfic recommendations and other discussions (it cracked me up to locate us as an entry on Fanlore.org). I was still in high school at the time and I was the youngest member; I felt like I had been accepted into a cool underground club. I worshipped these women, who were fanfic writers themselves. They taught me everything I knew about how to be a decent, respectful, enthusiastic consumer and writer of fanfic and fandom. [Lilydale note: I’ve talked enthusiastically about the Primal Screamers here before, including their fanfic primer.] What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general? In the '90s, I would have been embarrassed to tell anyone I read fanfic, let alone that I was writing it. Now, I look back on it and realize how talented and smart and passionate we all were. It's something to be proud of. What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show? The first episode I ever saw was "Shadows," which was on in reruns between the second and third seasons. I don't think "Shadows" is an episode that anyone today would consider thematically significant, but something about seeing those office supplies float spookily through the air - it wasn't like anything I had seen on television, and I wanted in. What got you involved with X-Files fanfic? I've always been a person who, when I am interested in something, seeks to learn more about it. So I guess I got online as a 12-year-old with this new interest and discovered fanfic. It was thrilling to find out that so many talented people were taking characters I loved and bringing them to life for me. When the screen faded to black each week and I wondered, "That's it? What next?", fanfic was always there to fill in the blanks and take Mulder and Scully to the next level. As a teenager, I was self-indulgent enough to think I had something to contribute, too. Most of what I wrote in the '90s would today make me cringe. I remember literally paging through the dictionary in search of erudite words I thought Mulder and Scully would say! But occasionally I'll feel brave enough to read an old story and I feel encouraged to see a spark: a turn of phrase or a fragment of dialogue that I still feel proud of. I write professionally now, but I've never written fiction that isn't X-Files fiction, so it's something that has really allowed me to hone my creative juices in a different way. What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom? Sometimes I feel like the Statler and Waldorf of the fandom, like I'm sitting up in the balcony grousing "Back in my day...!" Because the fandom is remarkably robust, and I've gotten involved with it to an extent on Twitter and AO3, and now all these young whippersnappers idolize Mulder and Scully just as much if not more as I ever did! Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files? Not really, no. I've of course consumed a lot of media since The X-Files that I wanted to discuss with others - I'm a huge "Harry Potter" nerd, and I was outraged when Netflix canceled "The OA" - but strangely I've never had the urge to read or write fanfic about anything other than "The X-Files." Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully? Every Thursday night! I watch a chosen episode with a group of fans on Twitter and tweet about it - #tbtXFiles. That's great fun. There are episodes I've seen dozens of times over the years and episodes I think I only ever watched once, and it's always enlightening to watch them again with a certain critical eye. When I was a fan during the original run, I really idolized Mulder; I loved episodes where we saw him in all his cracked genius glory. Scully was a trailblazer of a character, of course, but I think the fandom has evolved over the years to give Scully her due. Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom? I was fairly stunned when the revival came around and I realized that people were still writing X-Files fic, and that a lot of it was so good. So yes, I do read fic on Archive of Our Own. But my heart is always with the early days of fanfic. In the revival when Mulder says "I've always wondered how this was going to end" - that felt to me almost like a love letter to fanfic authors who had been trying to answer that question for 25 years. Surprisingly, I've never had the urge to read fic in another fandom. Every time I try, it just feels like I'm cheating on Mulder and Scully. Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors? My favorite author back in the day was Kipler. Her stories were just like real episodes of the show I could vividly imagine in my mind. I adore syntax6, particularly "20" and "The Birthday Stories," because of the way she perfectly and poignantly captures vignettes that span the entire series. Another favorite is Dawn and her "Blood Ties" series - I started out as a "NoRomo," and Dawn was one of the authors who made me believe Mulder and Scully could have a romantic relationship that really worked. And I always had a soft spot for Profiler!Mulder stories, so to this day I mourn the unfinished state of the great Kronos fic "Ascent to Hell." One fic I always come back to that captures profiling Mulder really well is "Domination of Lies," by cslatton. And then there are stories that I consider classics: "Corpse" by Livengoo, "Oklahoma" by Amperage and Livengoo, the "Revelations" and "All Hallow's Eve" series by Windsinger. What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise? I have a soft spot for a story I wrote called "Human Credential." I was attempting, a quarter-century after the first season of the show, to set a story in the very early days of the partnership (which these days is one of my favorite kinds of fanfic to read), and I felt like I nailed it. Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online? I have been doing both of these, as a matter of fact! Or in my case, they are oldies that made it online but vanished when Geocities went belly-up, for example, that I sometimes go back to and reshape. Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work? As the swallows return to Capistrano, I seem to always return to writing fic at periods of transition in my life. The first time I "retired" from fanfic, I wasn't even in college yet! If one can be nostalgic at 21 years old for something one gave up at 17, I was nostalgic for fanfic, and I picked it back up again in grad school. Then I became a teacher and a wife and a mom and years passed, and the revival seduced me back into it again. But the vast majority of fanfic I've written is firmly planted in the first seven seasons of the show - poor Mulder and Scully never seem to get to grow up in my stories. What's the story behind your pen name? I wrote under a lot of pen names over the years! When I first started writing fanfic, no one knew anything about Internet safety and it didn't occur to me that it wasn't wise to use my real name. There was a period when I would have been mortified if anyone discovered my stories under my real name - now, at least I can write it off as a youthful indulgence! When I finally grew into a more mature writer, I started using the name Rae Lynn, which is almost-but-not-quite my real first and middle names. Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions? As far as I know, unless my friends and acquaintances have done some sleuthing, only my husband knows I still write fanfic. And he's never read it, though he's kind enough to give me a glazed-eyes indulgent smile if I ever talk about it. Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now? I am xraelynn on AO3! I have about a dozen stories there - some of them I wrote 15 years ago and some of them are brand spanking new. Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

Fanfic is a true labor of love. Fanfic authors don't write fanfic for money or fame; they do it because they love it. Sites like AO3 and Tumblr have made it so much easier to show your appreciation to writers (::gruff reminiscing voice:: back in my day, you had to send them an email, and now you can just click the "kudos" button!). I can only speak for myself, but I really thrive on that feedback - otherwise I'm just Mulder in his cramped hovel of a home office waiting for Scully to nag me to shave my beard. Every so often I think about the fact that there is so much high-quality writing about these characters I've loved for decades just available on the Internet for free and it feels like a true gift.

(Posted by Lilydale on May 4, 2021)

[princess-of-france]

i would love to hear abt your rococo lll

Oh my gosh, you lovely human, settle in. This production is my Ultimate Theater Pipe Dream and I apologize in advance for how little chill I’m going to have as I explain it. 

Are you ready? 

I want to start with my standard disclaimer: I am a theater artist, not a literary critic or a historian. When I’m directing a play, I extract fragments of lit crit and historical fact as I need them and leave the rest on the buffet line. This LLL in particular requires me to play fast and loose with history, so be prepared for a truckload of anachronisms. They make the vision work!

So, with that…

The sad Catch-22 of my Rococo LLL is that no theater will ever put it up:  a smaller, indie, risk-taking theater wouldn’t be able to afford the astronomical production costs of casting the 20 actors I need, to say nothing of building opulent sets and period-accurate costumes that imitate the royal courts of the late 18th century; conversely, a large, well-funded, regional theater wouldn’t be able to justify funding a 2.5-hour Shakespeare retelling that turns one of his most sparkling comedies into a dark, violent allegory about the French Revolution and casts young, privileged, light-skinned European elites as the tragic heroes brought low by proletariat Jacobean reform. Even as I type these words, I realize how irresponsible an investment that would be. My Rococo LLL is not the kind of classical theater we need in America right now. It is retrograde in terms of diversity, equity, accessibility, and social justice. It probably says something terrible about me that I even dreamt it up in the first place.

And yet.

I want to direct this production so badly it feels like I’ve swallowed a piece of the sun. If I had all the proper resources (time, money, venue, artists, designers, marketing, etc.), I would do it tomorrow. It’s my baby.

Here’s a blurb that kind of nutshells it all together:

July 1789. King Charles VI of Navarre has died, leaving his son, young Ferdinand III, to take the throne. On a tide of Enlightenment idealism, King Ferdinand commissions his three best friends to join him for a period of ascetic study at the court of Navarre. The rules are simple: no luxuries, no alcohol, and no women. For three long years.

The boys’ oath is immediately put to the test when four young ladies arrive in Navarre on a diplomatic mission from Versailles. Led by the spirited Duchess d’Albret, the Frenchwomen and their mile-high coiffures prove irresistible to the King and his companions. With the help of a motley band of scholars and servants, they set out to woo the Duchess and her friends. But when sober news arrives from Paris, will young love be enough to rewrite history?

Set against the glittering backdrop of the last golden days of the ancien regime, this bold reimagining of Shakespeare’s beloved comedy invites us to look at the most famous revolution in Western history through the eyes of the young elites who learned the truth about privilege just a moment too late.

Of all the radical things I want to do with this production, the thing that would probably cause the most controversy (and earn me a reputation for being a narcissistic, pessimistic, Shakespeare-desecrating hack) is my addition of a prologue set in Paris in June 1793. I could try to sum it up here, but honestly I think it would be a lot more effective and comprehensive just to post the excerpt from my script:

…etc.

So basically, half my audience will vomit due to the unexpected onslaught of blood, gore, and violence…and the other half will vomit from the sheer anti-progressivism of the show’s politics. And I don’t blame anyone who finds fault with this production concept. On a political level, I find fault with it. Arguably the last thing our society needs right now is a Shakespeare production that paints young, pale, overprivileged trust fund babies as the poor, helpless victims of a liberal-led revolution for social equality. 

But at the same time, I can’t help but think that the entire point of Love’s Labour’s Lost is to make us look hard at our own privilege and ego, and weigh those things that seem sooo valuable against the true gifts of love, empathy, friendship, generosity, and kindness. 

“This is not generous, not gentle, not humble!” Holofernes cries as the Crazy Eight—high on adrenaline and their own cruel wit—jeer him off the stage during his performance as Judas Maccabeus in 5.2. More than any other, this moment epitomizes the value of setting LLL in a sex-charged, champagne-fueled, pastry-laden, cream-filled, lace-drenched, satin-covered, feather-topped, Rococo landscape. There’s no way in hell the audience is meant to sympathize with the insult-flinging prep school Kens and Barbies when they humiliate Holofernes to the point of tears. Shakespeare is way too smart for that. In the final whimsical moments before the messenger Marcadé comes onstage, laden with the news that is going to change the entire genre of the play, the Bard turns a critical spotlight on the young people we’ve been rooting for since Act One, Scene One and invites us to view them—for the first time, really—through the lens of the hardworking, lesser-privileged plebs of Navarre. The portrait is revolting. However witty, cultured, and elegant the courtiers might seem, they clearly have a lot more homework to do. Marcadé’s arrival a few short lines later is the final test of their youthful ego. Is being clever worth the price of experiencing love? Is love worth the price of responsibility? Is she brave enough to admit that she’s scared to take up the mantle? Is he brave enough to give up the one person who matters for the sake of the people he once mocked, the people he now must lead?

I don’t believe the Navarre Nerds and Les Filles have survived the centuries because they end the play as sharp-tongued, entitled, and self-absorbed as they behave at the start. We wouldn’t still be making and remaking this play if the protagonists were so static. I think the young people of LLL resonate with us—or, at least, they resonate with me—because in the course of Shakespeare’s plotless little play they grow up right before our eyes. King Ferdinand learns that he can’t bury his head in his books and ignore the responsibility of ruling when he watches the love of his life choose duty to her country over the desires of her own heart. The Princess learns that the cost of being the cleverest person is human connection when she finds herself laughing alongside Ferdinand at the antics of the Nine Worthies and somehow feels happier than she ever did when she was mocking him into the earth. Berowne learns that love wins every argument: against wit, against intellect, against bachelorhood, against willpower itself. Rosaline learns that love is strength, not weakness, and that she is stronger when she allows herself to feel. Dumaine learns that love demands vulnerability. Katherine learns that love is not a game. Longaville learns that love thrives on honesty. Maria learns that love takes courage. When the Crazy Eight say their heartbreaking goodbyes at the end of 5.2, they no longer care about sounding smart or superior; in fact, they speak against their own intelligence. The erudite Ferdinand trips over his words, the cynical Berowne invokes romantic idealism, the boastful Dumaine speaks with humility, the shy Longaville puts all his cards on the table. The women are no less altered. I don’t want to fall into the trap of ascribing an easy, one-size-fits-all moral maxim to LLL, but what else are we supposed to take away from this play if not the fact that we fucking owe it to ourselves as a species to set aside our stupid pride and say, “I love you,” when we feel it because we never know when time is going to run out? What else are we supposed to feel if not pride in these young people for choosing to step up and take responsibility when they hear news that the world outside is ending? That there may be no world left? Les Filles go with their Queen. The Nerds rally around their King. They choose fidelity to their respective kingdoms over the indulgence of love. But they also learn to value love for what it is, and to call it by name…even if that love can only last for a few fleeting seconds:

“If this or more than this I would deny,To flatter up these powers of mine with rest,The sudden hand of death close up mine eye.Hence ever, then, my heart is in thy breast.”

(King Ferdinand, V.ii)

As the Crazy Eight grapple in real time with the consequences of Marcadé’s message and what it means for their role as leaders in society, Rosaline gives Berowne a task to complete in their year apart that practically hums with poetic intelligence. Her lines are so iconic, we still quote them colloquially today:

BEROWNETo move wild laughter in the throat of death?It cannot be, it is impossible.Mirth cannot move a soul in agony.

ROSALINEWhy, that’s the way to choke a gibing spirit,Whose influence is begot of that loose graceWhich shallow laughing hearers give to fools.A jest’s prosperity lies in the earOf him that hears it, never in the tongueOf him that makes it. Then, if sickly ears,Deafed with the clamors of their own dear groans,Will hear your idle scorns, continue then,And I will have you and that fault withal.But if they will not, throw away that spiritAnd I shall find you empty of that fault,Right joyful of your reformation.

(V.ii)

I think this is the moment when I would start crying if I ever watched my Rococo LLL performed live. Because of all les Filles, I think Rosaline is the only one who knows that by choosing to accompany the Duchess back to Versailles at the end of LLL, she is effectively signing her death warrant. The Jacobeans and sans-cullottes are not going to want young, eligible, Catholic Rococo princesses wafting around their new, secular state. The guillotine may not yet exist in the summer of 1789, but the there is a thirst for blood and Rosaline can smell it. And now Bastille has fallen. Paris is on fire. King Louis XVI has months to live. The world will never be the same. Rosaline’s once-ordered, once-gilded country is careening into a bloody nightmare of soured ideals and ruthless social weeding, and even though she can’t see the future, she can read men like books. Even Berowne. Even the charismatic nihilist who earned a bachelor’s degree in bachelorhood and tried to hide his heart under a bushel. She can read him and she can save him. They can’t kill her husband if she doesn’t have one. 

Rococo LLL? I don’t know. It’s a pipe dream. 

But can’t you picture it? 

Tagging my girls @harry-leroy @suits-of-woe @lizbennett2013 @dedraconesilet @exeunt-pursued-by-a-bear @henriadical in case anyone is interested :)

Thanks a million for one of my favorite asks ever! Happy holidays, friend!!

xx Claire

[randomfandomimagine]

Close To You (Eric x Reader)

Character: Eric Coulter

Fandom: Divergent

Categories: Reader Insert, Female!Reader, Divergent!Reader, Daughter!Reader, Matthews!Reader

Title: Close To You

  Requested by anon:

Could you please write an imagine (Divergent &EricxReader) where Eric is worried about y/n because he can't find her and he is in love with her. And when he finds her he kisses her and confesses his love ♡ with much fluff

Requested by @rachelcarroll1819:

Can i please get a imagine where the reader is Jeanine Matthews daughter and is divergent but she hid it and decided to go to dauntless where she makes friends with four and she in a relationship with eric please and thank you

A/N: It had been a while since I last wrote for Divergent and I had just been through a bit of a writer’s block before this, so I apologize if this imagine feels a bit rushed or isn’t as good. I still hope you all enjoy it, sorry that it took forever to finish it TOT

I was shaking from head to toe. The crowd around me didn’t help, and neither did the thousands of eyes focused on me. It felt like their attention meant something terrible. That they knew my secret.

You’re a divergent. The examiner’s words echoed in my head as I slowly made my way to the front of the big room. I had heard stories about divergence, about unique people whose attitude exam sorted them into more than one faction. Like me. However, all those people ended badly. Being divergent was dangerous.

“Y/N Matthews” She insisted, as her stern blue eyes watched my every move.

I hurried to arrive to the podium to reunite with my mother. I gulped as I stood next to her, under her attentive glance. I opened my mouth, wondering whether I should tell her or not. It would alleviate the weight on my shoulders, but…

She arched her eyebrows in expectation, but I closed my mouth and stood in front of the five choices before me instead. I closed my eyes tight for a moment, shaking my head and trying to focus. How could I tell Jeanine Matthews that I was divergent? Even if I was her daughter, even if she was my mother, she was so obsessed with the faction system and the rules that I wasn’t sure I could tell her.

“Choose wisely” Came her voice, soft yet grave.

I picked up the knife and held it above my palm, which hovered over the five recipients.

Watching her with the corner of my eye, I noticed my mother still staring. What would I choose? Erudite, Dauntless, Amity, Candor or Abnegation? I knew what she wanted me to choose, but I couldn’t.

It usually was a dissapointment for the family when the children chose a different faction, but in this case especially so. If Jeanine Matthews’ own daughter forgave Erudite, how would that leave her?

I moved my hand to stay over the Erudite recipient filled with water, they started shaking more than before as I rested the blade on my skin. I just… I couldn’t do it! I wasn’t smart, nor devoted to knowledge and order.

Moving my hand, I gulped as I put it over the recipient full of stones of Abnegation, to be kind and altruistic. But I wasn’t like that either, not entirely.

I eyed the recipient filled with glass from Candor, but I wasn’t that honest. I wasn’t completely selfless or extremely friendly either, so I couldn’t choose Amity.

I had spent hours on end thinking about this important decision, losing days of sleep. I had come to a conclusion based on the logical reasoning I had been taught my entire life. Taking in consideration my situation and my preferences, there was only one choice. One that would also set me free.

Unsure of how long it had passed since I stood there without making a decision, even though it felt like hours, I took a deep breath. I was determined as I put my hand over the burning ambers and grit my teeth as I slid the blade over my palm, creating a small trail of blood as it poured out into the recipient.

“Dauntless!” A voice announced as the world began spinning around me at the implications of my choice. There was no going back now.

The only noise that followed was the entire faction of Dauntless welcoming me with thunderous applause and cheers. I couldn’t hear anything else, but I didn’t know if it was because they were so loud or because the rest of the present were too stunned and disappointed.

My heart wouldn’t stop racing as I moved to sit with the people dressed all in black. I didn’t make eye contact with my mother, but I did feel her burning glare in my nape as I walked away from her.

*

 I winced when I landed on the floor again. Every inch of my body hurt, but I refused to give up. All eyes were on me again, even if judging me differently from those that observed me in the choosing ceremony.

“Get up!!” Eric shouted, one of the Dauntless instructors, along with Four.

I glared at him even as I did what he said. I looked at my hands to analyze the damage, seeing that the skin in my palms tore away slightly. The floor of the Pit wasn’t exactly soft and welcoming.

“Excuse me if I’m not at my best after running and jumping around all day” I told him, earning a baffled expression.

“Show some respect” Deadpanned Four, even if with a hint of defiance. “We’re the ones that decide your fate”

“Do it again” Came Eric’s raspy voice, earning a glance from me.

I huffed, but obeyed again, climbing back up. I was fed up already, having jumped on and off a moving train. Having blindly jumped into a net that I didn’t know was there, several stories below. Having run and exhausted myself only as an initiation.

And now I was supposed to risk my neck jumping to the other side of that stupid Pit? I looked at my initiate mates at the other side of it, there where I was supposed to jump. I was left alone at my side of the gap.

“None of us are moving until you do something” Eric insisted. “So you either make it or officially give up”

I clenched my jaw at the thought of giving up, because we all knew what it implied. And I didn’t exactly feel like going factionless after all I was going through.

My mind told me to analyze the situation, to gather as much information as I could to obtain a logical understanding. But my Erudite trained brain wouldn’t help much in Dauntless, so I tried to forget about the gap that separated me from the rest and about the long fall that, although it wasn’t enough to kill me, it would possibly injury me and definitely hurt a lot.

Being stubborn enough, I took a few deep breaths and prepared myself. Taking a running start, I moved to the edge and jumped to the other side. I screamed as I soared through the air for what it felt like several minutes until I grabbed the edge.

I grunted, lifting my other hand and holding tight. I tried to push myself up, but my strengths were failing me. My fingers cramped at the effort.

“Nobody help her!” Eric’s potent voice echoed around the Pit.

Another grunt escaped my throat as I made a titanic effort to lift myself up, turning into a strained scream. But I made it over the edge, where I collapsed onto the ground. My heartbeat echoed in my ears and my chest quickly raised up and down with my accelerated breathing.

“Good” Eric said with a neutral voice, and suddenly everyone began leaving.

I had been the last one after all, but I was just proud to have made it.

The only one to stay behind was Four, who towered over me and offered me his hand. Mustering the strength to just take it, I allowed him to pull me up.

Once in my feet, I watched Four in expectation. He didn’t say anything, only nodded and walked away like everyone else. For him, that must have been some sort of ‘good job’, I supposed.

I just stood there alone, tiredly leaning on the wall when my knees began shaking and threatened to stop holding my weight.

*

I wasn’t used to my heart beating so fast, it barely stopped racing ever since the choosing ceremony. I supposed I would have to get used to it now that I was in Dauntless, especially being a divergent.

As I lied down on my bed, close to all my other fellow recruits, my heart had just started to acquire a normal pace. I was exhausted, because the tests had been more challenging than I thought, and definitely more physical. I recalled the events of the day as I lied awake, unable to fall asleep. 

I hadn’t really gotten along with any of my companions yet, but that would have to wait. It seemed, though, that I had made a good impression on my instructors. They had made an impression on me as well. Four, although stern and somewhat stubborn, was softer than Eric. 

Now, Eric caught my attention. His piercing eyes, his attitude, his bluntness. Sure, there were times when his roughness made me hate him during those first few tests, but all that was refreshing for a change. I enjoyed being challenged.

Somehow, though, it felt like I might be in the right place after all. I had spent all my life in Erudite, feeling like I didn’t belong, like I wasn’t intelligent nor interested enough in any of the guidelines that my faction expected from me.

Now I might be sore and mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. But at least I felt free, I felt alive, I felt… great. Maybe it was the adrenaline still pumping through my veins, but I liked the feeling. For the first time in my life I felt like myself, and not what others expected me to be. Not even my mother.

But there, in Dauntless, I could prove myself. I could show everyone I was strong, that I was capable. Still, despite that rush I didn’t really forget about the danger of discovering myself as a divergent. I held myself back, thinking that if I was ‘too good’ I would arise suspicion.

Needing to get up from my bed and clear my head, I decided to take a walk. I hoped things settled, that it wasn’t like that all the time. That feeling of dread ruining my freedom tasted too bittersweet.

The tranquility in the environment, however, settled my nerves. The distant sound of water falling as I navigated through the Pit was somewhat comforting as it reminded me of the change from the scenery I was used to.

“What are you doing up?” An unexpected voice made me jump up.

I quickly turned around, alarmed by the intrusion, to meet face to face with Four. I lowly exhaled a breath of relief at the sight of him.

“Am I not allowed here?” I replied, challenging yet cautious.

Four snickered a little at my cheekiness, but didn’t answer the question.

“You did well today” He said instead, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Thank you” I tried to conceal how glad I was to hear those words.

“You seem a bit jumpy, though” With Four’s words, I realized my shoulders were tense. “Are you sure you made the right decision choosing Dauntless?”

“Yes” I half-questioned, relaxing my stance. “Besides, it’s not like I can change my mind now”

“You impressed Eric, so I guess that’s something” The corners of Four’s lips curled up slightly.

“Why, like he’s that big a deal?” I rolled my eyes, but before Four could reply, another voice interrupted him.

“Let’s just say I’m not easily impressed” Eric appeared from the shadows, apparently he had been listening to us.

When Four and Eric exchanged a glance, I wondered if they had planned it. Were they testing me further? Or was I just extremely paranoid because of my secret?

I held Eric’s stare when his eyes locked with mine. He blinked, but didn’t seem fazed by my audacity.

“Leave us one moment” Even though he didn’t break eye contact with me, I knew he was talking to Four. “I want to talk to Y/N”

I was honestly surprised that he even remembered my name, but I didn’t point it out.

Four nodded and patted Eric in the shoulder before taking the first step.

“Don’t be too hard on her” He warned him before walking off.

I briefly glanced at him as he did. I didn’t want them to go easy on me, I wanted to prove them my worth in front of them as much as in front of anyone. And I knew that Eric could be harsh and borderline cruel, but I wasn’t going to let him intimidate me.

“What is it?” I said as I looked at him again, trying to make myself look taller.

“You and I, we’re more alike than you think” Eric smirked, as it seemed it was the only gesture his mouth was able to showcase.

“Really?” I cocked an eyebrow at him and smirked too.

When he took a step closer, though, I took one back. The closeness flustered me, but I didn’t let that show. Even if I wondered why it was so important for me to impress him.

“Yeah, you’re tough too” He let out a sarcastic chuckle. “Tougher than you look”

“Is that a compliment or an insult?” A pang of pride reached my chest, but I only lifted my chin feigning arrogance.

“You’re fiery, I like you” I noted that his voice was huskier than usual, almost… playful? Flirtatious, perhaps?

“How are we similar other than that?”

“For one, we’re both transferred from Erudite”

“And?”

“And I’m interested in you, just like you’re interested in me”

“I’m not…” I might as well chosen Candor, because I was more transparent than I thought. Especially since I felt my cheeks burning up in embarrassment. “You’re not that interesting”

“Oh, yeah?” His hand found its way to my back, bringing me closer.

“Y-Yeah” I stuttered, but held my stance, even pushing my hands against his chest. “As I said, you’re not that big a deal”

“Then you won’t mind that much if I do this” Before I could ask what stupid thing he was going to do, he smashed his lips against mine.

I yelped, but not because I didn’t enjoy it, but because of the shock. We lingered in the kiss, which had a roughness that was somehow exciting. I didn’t realize how truly attracted I was to him until I clung on to him, not having enough of it.

When we broke away I grew very aware of his hands around me, one on the back of my neck and the other in the small of my back. My arms were over his shoulders, bringing him closer to me like he had done with me.

“Do you usually go around kissing new recruits like this?” I said to conceal the fact that I was breathing heavily.

“No” He squeezed my waist before letting go of me. “But you’re not like the usual recruits either, are you?”

“How so?” I was confused when he started walking away.

“Others wouldn’t have kissed back”

Hence, Eric left me there alone, standing in the middle of the Pit as my head spun thinking about that kiss.

*

As much as I tried not to stand out, I did. I soon came first in most of our tests, earning both Four and Eric’s attention. It was hard finding a balance between hiding my identity and trying to make it into Dauntless. Being factionless was just as scary as being discovered.

One day that my thoughts were especially anguishing, I went to a corner of the Pit to be alone and think. The quiet of the place still helped me, allowing me to breathe after I had been too anxious to.

I sat there cuddled over myself, trying to avoid any thoughts regarding divergence or factions. Instead, the random thought of my new companies in Dauntless popped up in my mind. I still didn’t really get along with the initiates, but I was kind of close with Four and with Eric.

I had been sitting there, away from everyone for hours. I wondered if someone missed me. If, for some reason they found out about my divergence and wanted me to punish me for it, would people actually notice my absence? I found the answer before I could properly consider the possibility.

“There you are” A familiar raspy voice got me out of my thoughts.

I looked over my shoulder and saw Eric walking closer to me. recognizing a new emotion in his features.

“What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing, I’ve been looking everywhere for you”

“I needed to be alone”

“Why?”

“None of your business”

I expected Eric to snicker as he did every time I came up with responses like that, but instead he grew quiet, slowly approaching me when I didn’t move.

“Cut it out, I know” His voice sounded serious, as was his stare while he towered over me. “Don’t hide it from me”

Always alert on the matter, I tensed up. Despite it all, I shrugged and fixed my eyes up ahead not to meet with his.

“What are you talking about?”

“Four told me”

“Tell you what?”

“That you’re a divergent” Time seemed to freeze for a moment.

I locked eyes with Eric, but his expression was inscrutable. Moving in a daze, I stood to my feet, which I wasn’t sure was a great idea since my legs were shaking.

Four somehow figured it out, even if I never gave any signs of deviance. It was true that he noticed I was jumpy and always alert, but that wasn’t strange being in constant competition and danger like we were.

It made me question how he knew. The idea that he might be divergent too -takes one to know one -crossed my mind, but I would have to talk to him. Not now, though, because Eric expected an answer.

“I…” The words suddenly caught in my throat when I tried to reply to Eric. “You don’t… I…”

“I’m glad he did” Eric said to cut my blabbering. “That way I can protect you”

I gawked at him, realizing he wasn’t going to give me in. And he… wanted to protect me?

“I don’t need your protection” Was what I said instead, without really meaning to. I was just defensive, too scared of the consequences of his discovery.

“I know” I froze when his hand rested against my cheek. “But I still want to”

I was puzzled by Eric’s behavior. He was always tough, stubborn, cold. Yet, as I observed him while he looked at me I found worry in his eyes as they frantically took in every detail of my face.

“You seemed pretty worried that you couldn’t find me” I mumbled to test him.

“I just didn’t know where you were” He said as he dropped his hand off my cheek and to his side.

“Why do you care so much?”

“I just wanna be close to you”

“How’s that?”

“I have no idea, it doesn’t make sense to me either”

There was a pause in which we looked into each other’s eyes, seizing each other up. Eric smirked in the end, and I finally relaxed.

“Fine, you wanna be close to me” I flirtatiously said, taking a step closer. “What makes you think I do too?”

“You’re still here, aren’t you?” His arms suddenly wrapped around me.

“Just because you know my secret” I teased him, inching closer to his lips but never making a move.

His smirk acquired a dangerous hint as he closed the distance, causing our mouths to graze but not touch. They were painfully close wihout makign contact.

“Then I guess I have to keep your secret” When he spoke, I could feel his breath against me.

“Maybe” I didn’t move, and neither did he, we lingered in that position.

The both of us broke apart before anything could happen, since neither was willing to give up. I turned around with a smirk plastered on my lips, but it only widened when I felt his hand against my wrist.

Eric tugged at my arm until I faced him again, and he hungrily kissed my lips before letting go of me. I cheekily smirked at him before we both left. Together.

Tag list: @suenami3 // If you want me to add you or take you off the tag list, go ahead and tell me!

[wtfzodiacsigns]

Sun signs (part 1)

So I made posts about Moon and rising signs and now it’s time to talk about the Sun. There’re four types of each sun sign, so that’s the reason why many people can’t relate any description of their “zodiac sign” from the Internet :)

Aries Sun:

Aries with strong Taurus: calm and reserved; selfish and need lots of compliments; loyal, but capricious; gourmet and aesthet

Aries with strong Pisces: introverted or just shy; always help others; grumble a lot but almost never raise their voice; dreamy and artistic

Undeveloped Aries: yelling for no reasons; easy to get angry; think they’re the best and always right; don’t take other’s opinions; don’t think before doing things, so often it puts them in troubles

Pure Aries: real leaders; know how to control their emotions; communicative; respect other’s opinions; activists; funny; role models

Taurus Sun:

Taurus with strong Aries: a sporty guy; yells too much; tries to control everything and everyone; hard to make a long lasting relationship

Taurus with Strong Gemini: always jokes around; free spirited; has a dozen of friends; creative and smart

Undeveloped Taurus: too lazy to do anything; love themselves too much or the other way round; never say “no” to their desires; waste own life in front of tv, computer etc; stubborn

Pure Taurus: a family guy; helps everyone; will swim across the sea but reach his/her goals; very attractive; life full of obstacles will make you a strong person

Gemini Sun:

Gemini with strong Taurus: ignore the whole world; care about their family; but don’t give a f about other people; good at cooking; slow reaction

Gemini with strong Cancer: polite and loving person; good at hand making and cooking; very traditional; naturally kind

Undeveloped Gemini: gossiping a lot; judge and doubt everything; don’t care about other’s feelings; fake their personalities; try to process all the information but instead barely can handle the basics

Pure Gemini: erudite and resourceful; friendly and talkative; the most funny people I’ve ever met were this type of Gems; have an easy attitude toward life and that’s the reason why they never concentrate on other’s behavior or sad situations

Cancer Sun:

Cancer with strong Gemini: talkative and energetic; often start to talk about their private life to a group of strangers; clumsy

Cancer with strong Leo: never go outside with no makeup on; can’t stop talking about themselves; judgmental about all those who are not “like everybody else”

Undeveloped Cancer: hide from this world in their hoodies; easy to get offenced; don’t let people become a part of their comfort zone; a cat is their bestie

Pure Cancer: kindness is their synonym; help people and animals in need; not a talkative type but when they do they can make you believe in yourself; loyal and honest

Leo Sun:

Leo with strong Cancer: shy and quite; sometimes have a low self-esteem; very sensitive; want to help everybody around

Leo with strong Virgo: very smart and analyzing; have a serious attitude toward life; might be rude to people

Undeveloped Leo: as one my Leo teacher said: “I have a noble blood running in my veins, so all of you should respect me. Remember your parents are just a working class and that is why you can not be rude to me”

Pure Leo: if you’re this type I love you already💕; they’re literally always the centres because of their charisma, kindness and good attitude toward others; treat everybody like they want to be treated; help this Leo once and he/she will never forget it

Virgo Sun:

Virgo with strong Leo: do you know those bitchy girls with fake lips? It’s this type of Virgo; think they’re the best creatures in the world, so no one can compares to them

Virgo with strong Libra: funny, cute and outgoing; chatterbox of the group; love to hang out with friends; nice and friendly appearance

Undeveloped Virgo: criticize everything around; always correct people if they are wrong and explain what exactly their problem is; too much of their opinions

Pure Virgo: think twice before saying or doing anything; have you ever seen Scooby-Doo? There’s Velma who is a perfect example of this type; smart af; they’re like walking Google

P. S. Not everybody has their Sun turning on 🙃 people who do not love/believe in themselves and think “their life is meant to be like that” automatically turn off their Sun sign 😔 if any of this description didn’t suit you, your Sun sign is turned off so you need to develop it :)

Source: moonparrot

[fierce-little-miana]

Hello^^ As threatened here I am with my pile of questions regarding the Color Ask! Sooooo here we go: Crimson, Amber, Olive, Brunswick, Denim, Ghost, Shadow, Black and Onyx for my problematic fave Bassel; Rose, Amber, Jumpsuit, Emerald, Peacock, Ash for my girl Saran; Coral, Coconut, Sepia, Hickory, Penny for my not-so-secret absolute favourite Sichilde and Ink for the whole cast! :D

For spoilery reason they will answer these questions as they are at the beginning of the story so the view of the characters on some questions might be different by the end of the story. But this is what they become, not what they are/were. So let’s start with who they are (so we might understand who they become)

Also people lie, to us and to themselves ;)

Bassel:

Crimson - Have you ever been in war? If so, describe how it impacted you

I have never personally been in a war. I have had the chance to be a third party witness to other’s wars and to speak directly with officiers. It is interesting and distracting; seeing men panicked and taking bad or out-of character decision for situations they more than often created. I have a particular affection for leaders capable to remember who they are and what they are supposed to do in a war and who do not shift the blame. They are not numerous.

I have however been implicated in two coups. It would be a euphemism to say that the first one completely changed my life and the second one, which was butchered, cemented those changes. I wish people who have no business dealing with power stayed away from it.

Amber - Do you wield any sort of superpower? If so, what is it?

Well technically I am perfectly normal for someone of my family but I guess this uses humans as reference? Well let’s just say that I am particularly found of flying, that I have a pretty good health, and that fire is a part of me.

Olive - What is your Greek personality type? (sanguine, phlegmatic, choleric, or melancholic)

What is a greek personality type? It sounds interesting.

(Note from Avit: He tends toward sanguine)

Brunswick - Are you a person who is often jealous? what makes you jealous most often? 

What is there to be jealous about? I am sometimes resentful of the freedom granted to others but this is a hardly jealousy. I a more than ready to share something or someone that I love if this is the only way to make sure that I can still have them.

Denim - What is your fashion style?

I have pretty expensive taste. I like rich and dark fabrics with complicated embroidery. I also love high quality thin leather. I am not overly found of fur though. A bit as a decoration can be nice but I don’t see the point in more. While I love clothes that are structured they must still be confortable to move with.

Ghost- Are you easily scared? What scares you the most? 

No I am not. I don’t think there are things that scares me particularly. However there are things that anger me.

Shadow - What is your biggest regret? 

Regrets are for things you are responsible of. I do not make choices that lead me to regrets.

Black - What is the darkest thing you’ve ever done? 

There was a time with Alpaïs… No this was an accident. 

Onyx - What are your nightmares most often about? 

Having to stay stuck on the ground in Vicis. Who would want that?

Saran

Rose - Would you consider yourself a romantic person?

If you are asking me if I am the type of person who would die of anguish on a desert moor, the answer is no. If you are asking me if I am type of person who would stupidly ruin their life in a duel, the answer is no. If you are asking me if I would built my entire life around notion such as true love, the answer is still no.

Amber - Do you wield any sort of superpower? If so, what is it?

I have absolutely no power or capacities that are out of the ordinary. None. And the people telling you that I am a too lucky for not being a bit of a witch are obviously sore losers and there is no truth in their allegations.   

Jumpsuit - Have you ever been arrested/ in trouble with authority?

I tend to avoid being noticed negatively by the authority even if I am not very convinced by how most of its representatives wield power and I will discuss it but not with anyone.

I have insulted the entire ruling council or Arcem, but in my defense I was already in trouble and they were making the situation worse.

Emerald - If you could be immortal, would you want to be? 

What would be the point of being immortal? I have nothing to accomplish that I can’t accomplish in my life-time and I do not want to be alone forever. 

Peacock - Are you a more flashy person, or do you like to blend in?

To be perfectly honest I do not tend to blend in, but I don’t really have control on that, there aren’t a lot of people whose family is from the Horde of the Blue Wolf in Écre. However I am not a flashy person either. I might be a bit to outspoken sometimes though.  

Ash - Is there something or someone from your past that you miss? 

My father and my mother.

Sichilde

Coral - Do you have a strong moral code? What are some moral things that you feel strongly about?

I think everyone should tend toward being moral. For me the core of morality is respect and I try to respect others, social expectations and decency. It makes everyone’s life easier, isn’t it?

Coconut - What would be your ideal vacation? 

I wouldn’t leave someone else to shoulder my duties and I have to be here for my father but a quiet place with a chosen like-minded people does sounds nice.

Sepia - Do you have any hobbies? If so, what are they?

I love music, playing the luth and singing. I try to write my own songs but most of the time I just put already existing story in music. I wish more artists would come to Vicis so I could learn new things from them but it is complicated. 

I enjoy embroidery too but I tend to get bored with it after some time. 

Hickory - How smart are you? Would you consider yourself more book smart or street smart?

I am not bad at navigating the court I think, but I must be lacking when it comes to reading certain people. I enjoy learning things and I try to know everything someone of my rank should strive to know but I would not pretend to the name of erudite.

Penny - If you could make a substantial living doing anything, what would you do?

I would enjoy being a court musician, of teaching music to people passionated by it, but of course it is no what I am supposed to be.

and for the all cast!

Ink - write your autobiography in one sentence 

Bassel: I am  Bassel Derkomaï Prince of Arcem, last member of the most noble line in the world, but don’t hesitate to talk to me about things I don’t know about.

Saran: I am the daughter of Bat-Erdene and Doria and I intend to become one the best goldsmith of Écre and all the West to honor their memory.  

Rémi: I come from Clerveille and I have had the chance that my mother did everything for me and that Sir Roland tutored me.

Sichilde: I am the daughter of Monseigneur Fergal, Marechal of Arcem, and a member of the Derkomaï court.

Avit: I am the Chancellor of Vicis, and please to do not think the words of his Eminency Bassel Derkomaï are an invitation to make him lose his time, or make me lose mine.

Robert: I happen to be the most promising knight and best looking one in Clerveille, I also try my best to make Rémi have a bit a fun sometimes.

Kénaël: I am supposed to deal with mostly incompetent guards and soldiers while being in a delicate cross-authority situation and my best friend is the most insufferable person on earth and my prince.

Césari: I am just a man out to right the wrongs, and by that I mean using all the means imaginable to right the wrongs done to my rights.

[gambithq]

PERSONALITY & IDEALS

Defining your character’s personality and ideals will allow you to have a clear focus of who your character is, what they want, and what they believe -- beginning with a clear and simple idea for your character’s personality, flaws, and ideals will help you decide where you want them to go, how you want them to grow, and what challenges you want them to face in the future. Sample personality traits, flaws, and ideals can be found below the cut: select two traits, one flaw, and one ideal from the list, or write your own instead.

BONDS

Wanted bonds can be used as a means of plotting with other characters. You can think of these like wanted connections, but bonds are actionable -- they will allow you an easy way to act on your relationships with the other member’s of the Gambit in order to create compelling partnerships with any other character, and to develop those relationships over time. Sample bonds can be found below the cut: select the options that interest you to put in your shipper, or write your own -- as long as they are actionable!

personality traits

I can find common ground between the fiercest enemies, empathizing with them and always working toward peace.

I see omens in every event and action. The gods try to speak to us, we just need to listen.

Nothing can shake my optimistic attitude.

I am tolerant (or intolerant) of other faiths and respect (or condemn) the worship of other gods.

I've enjoyed fine food, drink, and high society among my temple's elite. Rough living grates on me.

I've spent so long in the temple that I have little practical experience dealing with people in the outside world.

I have a joke for every occasion, especially occasions where humor is inappropriate.

Flattery is my preferred trick for getting what I want.

I lie about almost everything, even when there's no good reason to.

I pocket anything I see that might have some value.

I am always calm, no matter what the situation. I never raise my voice or let my emotions control me.

I would rather make a new friend than a new enemy.

I am incredibly slow to trust. Those who seem the fairest often have the most to hide.

The best way to get me to do something is to tell me I can't do it.

I blow up at the slightest insult.

I know a story relevant to almost every situation.

Whenever I come to a new place, I collect local rumors and spread gossip.

Nobody stays angry at me or around me for long, since I can defuse any amount of tension.

I love a good insult, even one directed at me.

I get bitter if I'm not the center of attention.

I judge people by their actions, not their words.

If someone is in trouble, I'm always willing to lend help.

When I set my mind to something, I follow through no matter what gets in my way.

I have a strong sense of fair play and always try to find the most equitable solution to arguments.

I'm confident in my own abilities and do what I can to instill confidence in others.

Thinking is for other people. I prefer action.

I believe that everything worth doing is worth doing right. I can't help it -- I'm a perfectionist.

I always want to know how things work and what makes people tick.

I don't part with my money easily and will haggle tirelessly to get the best deal possible.

I've been isolated for so long that I rarely speak, preferring gestures and the occasional grunt.

I am utterly serene, even in the face of disaster.

I'm oblivious to etiquette and social expectations.

I connect everything that happens to me to a grand cosmic plan.

I often get lost in my own thoughts and contemplations, becoming oblivious to my surroundings.

My eloquent flattery makes everyone I talk to feel like the most wonderful and important person in the world.

The common folk love me for my kindness and generosity.

No one could doubt by looking at my regal bearing that I am a cut above the unwashed masses.

I don't like to get my hands dirty, and I won't be caught dead in unsuitable accommodations.

Despite my birth, I do not place myself above other folk. We all have the same blood.

My favor, once lost, is lost forever.

If you do me an injury, I will crush you, ruin your name, and salt your fields.

I'm driven by a wanderlust that led me away from home.

I watch over my friends as if they were a litter of newborn pups.

I place no stock in wealthy or well-mannered folk. Money and manners won't save you from a hungry owlbear.

I'm always picking things up, absently fiddling with them, and sometimes accidentally breaking them.

I feel far more comfortable around animals than people.

I use polysyllabic words to convey the impression of great erudition.

I'm used to helping out those who aren't as smart as I am, and I patiently explain anything and everything to others.

There's nothing I like more than a good mystery.

I'm willing to listen to every side of an argument before I make my own judgment.

I am horribly, horribly awkward in social situations.

My friends know they can rely on me, no matter what.

I stretch the truth for the sake of a good story.

I never pass up a friendly wager.

I like a job well done, especially if I can convince someone else to do it.

I'm always polite and respectful.

I've lost too many friends, and I'm slow to make new ones.

I'm full of inspiring and cautionary tales from my military experience relevant to almost every combat situation.

I can stare down a hellhound without flinching.

I face problems head-on. A simple direct solution is the best path to success.

I hide scraps of food and trinkets away in my pockets.

I ask a lot of questions.

I sleep with my back to a wall or tree, with everything I own wrapped in a bundle in my arms.

I think anyone who's nice to me is hiding evil intent.

I bluntly say what other people are hinting or hiding.

flaws

I judge others harshly, and myself even more severely.

My piety sometimes leads me to blindly trust those that profess faith in my god.

I am inflexible in my thinking.

I am suspicious of strangers and suspect the worst of them.

Once I pick a goal, I become obsessed with it to the detriment of everything else in my life.

I can't resist a pretty face.

I'm always in debt. I spend my ill-gotten gains on decadent luxuries faster than I bring them in.

I'm convinced that no one could ever fool me in the way I fool others.

I'm too greedy for my own good. I can't resist taking a risk if there's money involved.

I can't resist swindling people who are more powerful than me.

I hate to admit it and will hate myself for it, but I'll run and preserve my own hide if the going gets tough.

If there's a plan, I'll forget it. If I don't forget it, I'll ignore it.

I have trouble keeping my true feelings hidden. My sharp tongue lands me in trouble.

Despite my best efforts, I am unreliable to my friends.

I'm convinced of the significance of my destiny, and blind to my shortcomings and the risk of failure.

I have trouble trusting in my allies.

I'm quick to assume that someone is trying to cheat me.

I'm never satisfied with what I have--I always want more.

I am dogmatic in my thoughts and philosophy.

I let my need to win arguments overshadow friendships and harmony.

I'd risk too much to uncover a lost bit of knowledge.

I like keeping secrets and won't share them with anyone.

I secretly believe that everyone is beneath me.

There's no room for caution in a life lived to the fullest.

I remember every insult I've received and nurse a silent resentment toward anyone who's ever wronged me.

Violence is my answer to almost any challenge.

Don't expect me to save those who can't save themselves. It is nature's way that the strong thrive and the weak perish.

I am easily distracted by the promise of information.

I overlook obvious solutions in favor of complicated ones.

I speak without really thinking through my words, invariably insulting others.

I can't keep a secret to save my life, or anyone else's.

I follow orders, even if I think they're wrong.

I'll say anything to avoid having to do extra work.

Once someone questions my courage, I never back down no matter how dangerous the situation.

My pride will probably lead to my destruction

The monstrous enemy we faced in battle still leaves me quivering with fear.

I have little respect for anyone who is not a proven warrior.

My hatred of my enemies is blind and unreasoning.

I'd rather eat my armor than admit when I'm wrong.

I'd rather kill someone in their sleep than fight fair.

ideals

I trust that my deity will guide my actions. I have faith that if I work hard, things will go well.

The ancient traditions of worship and sacrifice must be preserved and upheld.

I always try to help those in need, no matter what the personal cost. 

We must help bring about the changes the gods are constantly working in the world. 

I seek to prove my self worthy of my god's favor by matching my actions against his or her teachings.

I am a free spirit -- no one tells me what to do. 

I never target people who can't afford to lose a few coins.

Material goods come and go. Bonds of friendship last forever.

Chains are meant to be broken, as are those who would forge them. 

There's a spark of good in everyone. 

The world is in need of new ideas and bold action.

No one should get preferential treatment before the law, and no one is above the law.

Tyrants must not be allowed to oppress the people.

There's no good pretending to be something I'm not. 

Nothing and no one can steer me away from my higher calling.

 Emotions must not cloud our sense of what is right and true, or our logical thinking. 

Inquiry and curiosity are the pillars of progress.

Meddling in the affairs of others only causes trouble. 

 I must prove that I can handle myself without the coddling of my family.

If I can attain more power, no one will tell me what to do. 

Life is like the seasons, in constant change, and we must change with it.

The natural world is more important than all the constructs of civilization.

Nothing should fetter the infinite possibility inherent in all existence.

We all do the work, so we all share in the rewards. 

When people follow orders blindly they embrace a kind of tyranny. 

Ideals aren't worth killing for or going to war for.

We have to take care of each other, because no one else is going to do it.

The low are lifted up, and the high and mighty are brought down. Change is the nature of things. 

The rich need to be shown what life and death are like in the gutters.

I help people who help me -- that's what keeps us alive. 

I'm going to prove that I'm worthy of a better life. 

bonds

___ and I disagree about the nature of the world, but I will show them that I am right. 

my deity has marked out ___ as someone important; I will help them fulfill their destiny.

___ has fought by my side before and has my respect.

I admire ___’s bravery/wisdom/dedication/talent and will do my best to learn from them/live up to their example.

___ is a fool, and when they are in trouble I will refuse to bail them out.

I fear that I may have wronged ___; I will make it up to them somehow.

___ has information that is important to me; I will do what it takes to get it from them.

I have come across ___ many times and have found they are always reliable/unreliable.

___ shares my faith/belief in __, and I would trust them with my life.

___ knows a secret I’d rather not share; I will persuade them to keep it.

I need to prove myself to ___, no matter the cost to myself. 

___ is like a broken clock: always right twice a day. 

___ gave me food/shelter/protection when I needed it; I am in their debt. 

I have known ___ since childhood, but I am not sure I like the person they have become.

___ doesn’t trust me, but I will change their mind.

___ let me down when I most needed them; I won’t make the mistake of trusting them again.

___ helped me with a dangerous mission, and the two of us made a powerful enemy.

___ owes me for a favor I did them; I won’t let them forget it until the debt is paid.

___ needs my guidance, so I will provide a steady hand. 

I wouldn’t be foolish enough to trust ___ with something important to me.

___’s misguided actions will put all our heads on the chopping block.

___ has much to teach me about ____________. 

I will protect ___ from _____________. 

for more bonds, try this Dungeon World bond generator!

[jojuarez26]

If you only knew how truly Erudite Blue you actually are not

Divergent fanfiction: Eric/OC Mature content and strong language. I do not own any part of Divergent

Tarrin's POV

I haven't seen or spoken to Eric in almost two weeks now, although Four has and admittedly, I am jealous as hell. Eric finally submitted all his legal documents. So the proverbial cat is out of its fucking back and the psychotic bitch that rules Erudite with a damn machine gun has flipped her shit.

Jeanine went on a rampage the second she knew about Analisse and the fact Eric was able to not be made compliant with threats as we for once are actually the ones two steps ahead of the game.

First she turned Erudite upside down on it's head trying to locate my daughter and I. Then being the oh so logical thinker we needed her to be, Jeanine stormed Amity because that's where Jacob of is at. Apparently both Jacob and Johanna Reyes told Jeanine to go pleasure herself with a barbed wire stick and get the ever living fuck out of Amity. Well maybe what they said was slightly more Amity but still the same interpretation.

Next she tried, and I do stress tried, to go to Candor and strong arm Jack and my Aunt Kathy. I'm totally confident that it would be accurate to say Aunt Kathy literally told her to fuck off and get the hell out of Candor.

The funniest part of the way Jeanine thinks is that she did not, nor would she ever think to so much as email Abnegation. As far as she is concerned Eric would rather poke his eye out with a stick on fire than ever stoop so low as to ask Abnegation, the useless stiffs, to help him find a pencil.

Technically she would be right. Eric would not and did not. But, Four would and he did. Well not the Faction itself, but a specific member. A divergent sympathizer and one of the nicest people I have ever met, Natalie Prior.

Without a second thought, no questions asked and not a single ounce of hesitation because of who I am essentially married to Natalie snuck the three of us into an unused and pretty much abandoned house in the older unused section of Abnegation.

Her and her daughter Beatrice made sure to come check on us every day and bring us anything we needed that they were capable of procuring.

Natalie's husband Andrew is on the council. This allowed Natalie to be in communication with Eric without any suspicion yet not giving up any knowledge of the where abouts of Analisse and I.

Eric and Natalie where still extremely careful of the content of their contact and mostly used codes and key phrases to relay information to each other.

Although Jeanine for the most part has Dauntless in her back pocket, they would still never allow her to rand sack Dauntless or shake them down looking for Eric's missing fiance' and mystery child that ninety percent of all people question even exist. I did such a spectacular job at hiding my pregnancy, not to mention how Eric's parents snuggled us out of Erudite, most had no knowledge or proof Analisse did indeed exist.

However Max was completely ok with pretty much monitoring all of Eric's daily life in Dauntless. From planting bugs and surveillance equipment in both Eric's office and apartment to placing spy details that followed his every move.

This was the reason Analisse and I have had no kind of contact with Eric period. Needless to say we are both going threw withdrawal and driving poor Four bonkers.

"Good morning Tarrin." Four murmured pouring himself a cup of coffee just waking up.

"Good? Seriously Four what the hell is so good about it," I spat sarcastically.

"Ok. Well I'm just going to get dressed and run some parameter checks, like all day," Four replies cautiously. Now I feel bad.

"Four wait! I'm sorry. Please don't leave me alone today," I suddenly burst into tears.

My horomones and the severity of my situation have me a hot mess of fuckery. Seeing as how Four is the only adult I have interactions with and well, Analisse only cries, eats and fills her diapers, Four gets shat on. Alot. Everyday. By the grace of God he takes it with a grain of salt and rolls with the punches.

"You T, I really do like you even with your poor taste in men. However even though said man is an asshole, at least he is consistent. He is constantly an asshole. You my dear are as inconsistent as the bowel movements of the elderly. Quite frankly your mood swings give me whiplash," he says all this in a quiet yet serious tone.

"I very very loosely understand that just having a baby turns you into a lunatic because your horomones are in overdrive. I also get being stuck in seclusion with a newborn and a stranger are probably about as helpful as a full moon at a daycare or in a nursing home but, damn you and mini Eric are exhausting me," he dramatically threw his head back throwing an arm over his eyes.

This is what I love about Four. Although I know he hides alot of pain and demons behind his humourous approach to life, it is relaxing and breaks the tension.

"Oh admitted Four, you loves us. Seriously though, I am so sorry. I know you didn't choose this mission, Eric ordered you to take it. For what it's worth I'm grateful you did."I tried to hold back the tears as I spoke.

"T it's not-"

"Let me finish. Please." Four just nods for me to continue

"I'm not exactly sure to the full extent why you and Eric hate each other so much. What I do know is Eric trust you and respects you as a loyal Dauntless soldier. Considering we are born and bred Erudite regardless of our aptitudes and Eric very recently defection to Dauntless. We were raised to keep your acquaintances close and your competition closer," I pause to make sure he is still on the same page as me.

Reading his facial expressions and body language, he understands, he's just not sure where I'm going with this.

"The point I am trying to make is this. The short list of people that is logically acceptable to trust, especially with someone with Eric's nature, is already exceeding it's limits at best. So the fact that he trust you. Especially with it being with mine and Analisse's safety, actually speaks volumes." I'm once again trying to choke back tears to continue.

"Both myself AND ERIC, are and will be eternally grateful. I know Eric will probably never say or acknowledge that, but I will. Thank so much for being here when you don't have to be. You have also become someone I would consider a friend so..... Thanks," I sniffed and put my head in my hands.

I suddenly feel hands on my shoulders. Four is rubbing them soothingly. This truly suprises me especially with him being former Abnegation. Once he can tell I've calmed down, he moves to sit across the table from me.

"Complete honesty, when Eric recruited me for this," he waves his hand around the room," I was baffled. I was slightly shocked any female could tolerate him for more than a one night stand let alone long time girlfriend who just had his child." He has an amused look on his face but his tone of voice is still serious.

"Four if your just going to bash Eric, I really rather not at the moment if you-"

"Hey. I let you finish. Let me finish. Please." He asked and pauses to see if I will. I do.

"Ok. So I generally viewed Eric as a cruel person who's only emotions are bored, angry and sadism. Well except when he is intimating people into pissing their pants just by glaring at them, I think that actually gives him joy," Four smirks and I can't help but laugh.

"That is until he told me about the situation and about you and his mini-clone. I actually saw love, fear, sadness and frustration. And it wasn't fake, forced or sarcastic, it was genuine. To say I was shocked is putting mildly. No I was not thrilled or happy at all that I had to do a favor as I saw it, for Eric. But I was more curious and intrigued when I got a glimpse of an actual human with actual humanity. I had come to believe he was really a machine and possessed a switch that turned his humanity off most likely permanently." He sipped his coffee and I took the opportunity to ask a question.

"What where you actually curious about, what made you more accepting of the situation?" I was liking the distraction of my craziness by this conversation.

"I wanted to see what ridiculous, crazy, hooker looking, sluty nose had actually melted some ice off of the cold steel that was Eric the asshole heart," he grins ear to ear.

"Excuse you!! Did you truly think so disgustingly of me?" I ask half shocked half offended.

"Of YOU personally? No. Of the mystery woman Eric knocked up, absolutely. However the second I laid eyes on you I was actually shocked, possibly slightly in denial," he smiles.

"How? Why?" Now I'm curious.

"You looked nothing like a hooker. You're actually really pretty, and normal looking. You're also nice. I am actually a little envious that an asshole like Coulter managed to have a woman as smart, beautiful, caring, yet still sassy and classy as you." He blushed and looked away.

I knew that Four wasn't actually jealous Eric had me personally or that he harboured secret feelings for me or something crazy like that. He was just jealous Eric had a good person who loved him in general. Four is extremely lonely with a very low opinion of himself for reasons I can't fathom. What I do know is someone in his past damaged him, scared him deep emotionally. Who or why is what I don't know.

Just as I was about to start asking him about his self, my peanuts piercing banshee wails filled the air. I stood up letting out a deep sigh.

"Hold that thought mi amigo. I have to attended to my motherly duties. This conversation is far from over though. I am going to pick your brain some more. I want to know more about you."

His demeanor faulted ever so slightly to nervous, maybe worried. It was quick, but I still caught it.

"How very not true Erudite of you? Wanting to actually listen when someone else speaks and value their opinions," he almost sounded desperate to change the subject with his attitude change.

"Oh fuck dick. I got your number. We are most definitely going to talk about you too," I playful shot over my shoulder as I walked away.

@pathybo @tigpooh67 @lunaschild2016 @emmysrandomthoughts @jaihardy @beautifulramblingbrains @clublulu333 @iammarylastar @kenzieam @captstefanbrandt @badassbaker @badassdauntlessgirl @gotlokis @kgurew @that1girloverthere @girlslovestorys @onceinamillionlifetimes @sporadichologramblizzard-ed17414 @dani5102 @book-boys-are-my-guilty-pleasure @littlesouthernrebel @haliannej

[the-erudite-library]

The Fateless Chapter 2: The Test

Read on AO3

The tests begin after lunch. I won’t be taking any of my afternoon classes today so I’ll have plenty of time to think about my choice. We mostly did nothing in class; one would think that the teachers would want to cram all they could into one last lesson because for some of us this will be our last day of school for the rest of our lives, but that would be wrong. It was mostly just parting words and free time. This was everyone else's last day of the school year too, but they'll be back again and they also got to leave before lunch. We're stuck here until at least the end of the school day barring some sort of illness or injury. No one knows what the test because we’re not supposed to be told, so none of us know what to expect.

I sit between Casey and my other friend; Elizabeth Reynolds, known to most as Eliza. Eliza is a bit arrogant to say the very least. She always has been, but it’s not like she doesn’t have a reason to be. She’s is highly intelligent and has a knack for navigating life with a certain sensibility and grace that I could never amount to. She radiates elegance in every aspect of her life, a product of her upbringing I guess – though that just raises the question why I can’t be like that because we grew up together. Like Casey and I, Eliza was born to powerful people. Her father, Jason, is a very well-respected researcher in his field and works very closely with the head of the head of the pharmacology department. Her mother, Cynthia, owns the largest makeup company in the city; it’s branched out from just being an Erudite business to opening a shop in City Center where people of all factions can go.

In some ways, Eliza reminds me a lot of Melanie. Melanie’s kind of arrogant too but totally has a reason to be to be with how smart she is, and Eliza has that same drive to know everything that they can about everything. But Eliza’s greatest interests lie in chemistry and software engineering, both careers that Erudite always needs new people in.

I met Eliza when we were seven at one of my parents’ many dinner parties after the adults shooed away the kids so they could drink and talk without being disturbed. I like her a lot; I always have. She’s funny and she’s got this energy about her that repulses some and draws in others. She’s one of the really competitive Erudite, but neither of us really feel like we have to compete with each other or Casey. We’re all totally secure in our friendship and we all know where we stand. It’s not that Casey and I aren’t smart enough to keep up with Eliza because we definitely are, it’s just that neither of us really want to compete against her like others do. She is our dearest friend and we’re all just really invested in supporting each other. There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for either of them, all that they have to do ask. And I know for certain that they feel the same about me.

Eliza twirls a lock of her silky black hair around her finger as she talks, her voice laced with haughty contempt. “Dahlia doesn’t know what she’s talking about and I’m more than happy to set her right if she would only get off her high horse and listen.”

Eliza holds a particular disdain quite a few classmates of ours and from what I know, there are many that feel the same about her. She speaks of Dahlia often, and I can’t say that I disagree with her. Like I said, some of the acquaintances I have are just terrible.

“She’s so arrogant,” Casey says. “And totally underserving.”

“Mhm.” Eliza nods in agreement. “I’m so sick of her acting like she’s better than me or something.”

“At least I’ll never have to see her again after today,” Casey says with a smile that contrasts the heavy nature of her statement that isn’t lost on Eliza and I. But we all knew that this day was coming; we’ve known for years that Casey would leave us and, like me, Eliza is just glad that she’s pursuing her own happiness.

“Ugh, Mimi and I are probably going to be stuck with her forever,” Eliza says with a roll of her eyes.

No one wants to discuss our choices without certainty. But I’m the only one of my friends without it. Eliza knows and has always known that Erudite is where she truly belongs. It suits her, she loves it here and she knows how to excel in way that sort of scares me. Casey has always known that she’s leaving and in recent months has begun to look toward Amity as her new home. I think that suits her too, I really do think that she’ll be happy there.

Casey and Eliza sort of assume that I’m staying because of how deeply tied to the place I am and I don’t have the nerve to tell them that I’m not sure. I want to tell them now, but there are too many other people around. I want to tell them now, but I don’t want Eliza to freak out. I want to tell them now, but I’m still not sure if I’m not going to stick around. I wish that this were simpler; I wish there was some sort of ‘idiot’s guide to choosing a faction’ or something, I think that would really help. Maybe the notion that knowing more would make my life easier means that I’m fated for Erudite. Maybe if I just keep repeating that I belong somewhere than eventually I will; maybe that’s just how it works for everyone.

I do not think that is how it works for everyone.

My lack of response creates a pocket of awkwardness as Eliza and Casey both look to me to laugh with them and join their casual disparaging of Dahlia’s character. Not that she doesn’t totally have it coming.

Before I can force the awkward laugh from my throat and stumble over an agreement of how much it will suck to always be around Dahlia all the time, I receive a text from my sister that gives me an excuse to look away. Melanie asks me to lunch after I’m done with testing and I tell her that that sounds lovely. I might even be able to get some advice on what to do from her. Of course, Melanie always knew who she was going to be and where she belonged, I remember her always saying ‘When I’m a member…’ like there was never any alternative because for her I suppose there wasn’t. I doubt there was one for Michael either; my reserved and studious brother who spent so much of his time holed up in his room studying long before he began initiation. Erudite is woven into the twins, and my parents, and Jeanine, and Eliza in a way that I wish it could be a part of me. I wish that I could just exude that energy, have that personality; I wish that I were just a little bit more like them so that I would know exactly what to do. They have all always known exactly what to do.

With Mark and Minerva my memories are always a little fuzzier. Honestly, I don’t remember a lot of Mark before he was getting close to leaving. I wasn’t around him like I was around the twins and I can’t really remember him acting really ‘like Amity’. He didn’t act like my parents, I remember that, but I also knew enough about people to know that everyone was different. I hear how faction transfers always seem a little off before they leave, but I never saw that with Mark and Minerva. Or maybe it was there and I was just too young to realize.

I wonder if they struggled with their choices like I’m struggling with mine now. I wonder if they fought what they were and my confusion is just me subconsciously suppressing who I really am. But I like to think that I would know if I were Candor or Amity.

All due respect to Minerva and whatever, but I am not terribly fond of Candor. In some ways I can appreciate how straightforward they are, but most of the time I find them to be loud and obnoxious. It’s always the Dauntless and the Candor that talk too much and cause too many distractions. I mean, Erudite also have a tendency to talk too much, that stereotype doesn’t come from nowhere, but at least we know what we’re talking about. Candor just tend to spew out whatever comes into their mind and Dauntless are just crass.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love Minerva and I do admire her work in Candor and I admire what Candor does for this city. But every Candor teenager I have ever met has been nothing short of extremely irritating. At least I know of one good Dauntless my age.

I glance over to where the Dauntless sit and spot her playing cards with a group of three others. She brushes her brown and gold, nearly gravity-defying curls away from her face only for the section to fall right back over her left eye. She notices me out of the corner of her eye and waves; I wave back and the others notice too. A little grin crosses Eliza’s face that she more than happily returns.

I met Kira Elysium when I was thirteen, which was when the others met her too. We were all just hanging around during the break in the park when Kira waltzed over to us and just sat down, jumping in on our conversation like we’d been friends for years. She’s as bold as she is compassionate and fits in with our little group very, very well. Of course, she has friends of her own in Dauntless who’s names escape me because I only seen them once or twice. She says she likes to think of her friendship with us like an alter ego, no pressure to be daring and out there; she can be as bookish and nerdy as she likes without anyone giving her shit for it. She isn’t terribly interested in Dauntless, but she seems endlessly enchanted and fascinated by Erudite. I think she knows what faction she’ll be choosing tomorrow too.

I know that most Dauntless aren’t Kira, that she’s a rarity, that she’s always been more Erudite than Dauntless and so I don’t base any of my opinions of them off of her. If I did then I’d probably think much better of them. Kira likes her birth faction well enough. She’s told us that she thinks it’s a fine place to be, but she never says much of it past that. I think that she’s is as scared of leaving as I am. Neither of us are like Casey; even though Kira seems to have fallen in love with Erudite she is still hesitant to make any commitments. Speaking of commitments, I know that she and Eliza have had a thing for each other for a while now. I know because they’ve both told me and both of them are aware that the other likes them back. But interfaction dating isn’t allowed and even if it were Eliza could never date a Dauntless, and like I said Kira is still not totally ready to jump ship yet. Even so, I don’t think that she’ll be staying there. I think that, if I stay, we’ll be seeing a lot of each other during initiation.

Her fascination with Erudite aside, Kira’s really crazy smart. I know that I’m smart, and I know that Casey and Eliza are smart, and I’m sure there are smart Dauntless, but Kira is on another level. Kira really is Erudite smart and if she were Erudite I think she would be some of Eliza’s greatest competition. She learns all that she does because she thinks it’s fun, because she enjoys the hands on work that she can do as much as she enjoys reading about things in the abstract. I know that she enjoys mechanics, that she volunteers at a Dauntless repair shop in her free time that her uncle worked for a while back. She really loves it, but as she says, it’s just a hobby; she doesn’t think that it will be something permanent.

If I could invite Kira over to sit with us, I would. I love talking to her because on top of everything else, she’s super witty too. Her quick humor and spur of the moment jokes are one of the many things that I love about her. But none of us are allowed to move from our tables and go interact with kids from other factions. For all that we’re supposed to coexist happily and interact, there sure are a lot of limits on just how we can interact with each other. All that we can do is sit with our respective factions and just do what we’re supposed to.

I look around at the other tables, first noticing the others that belong to my own faction. Everyone is either studying or talking. Some had enough foresight to bring a book that they actually want to read (i.e. literally anything besides the textbooks that we have. All of them are digital downloads with hard copies kept in class, but it’s the only reading material we were provided if we forgot our own stuff). Others type on laptops or tablets. We’re supposed to be studying, but I really doubt that it matters as long as you don’t get caught. Most of us started out the waiting period buried in our books and tech, but as time wore on the quiet slowly began to break down and a lot of kids have abandoned their stuff for conversations with their friends.

To the left of the Erudite tables are the Dauntless tables. Looking past Kira and her friends playing cards, I see that other Dauntless are doing the same or talking much more loudly. Others brought other games to play to pass the time. That entire section of the cafeteria is just a lot of noise. The Dauntless are as beautiful as they are fascinating to me. My siblings and parents never hesitate to roll their eyes at the Dauntless look but I think it’s great. They look comfortable (more comfortable than I have ever been in some of my dresses) while at the same time being stunning. Between their tattoos, piercings, dramatic makeup, and unnatural hair colors that take up their entire head paired with creative styles, their bodies are works of art in and of themselves. To me it is a very attractive, if slightly off putting, look; and I know for a fact that Eliza thinks so too. Erudite also has a lot of dramatic makeup, but Dauntless’ is darker and heavier. They are less focused on making themselves look perfect and more on making themselves noticeable. I have seen people with eyeshadow and lipstick as bright and colorful as their hair in every color imaginable, always paired with very heavy eyeliner that draws attention to the eyes.

Candor to my right are no better in the noise department, I suppose. Their faction encourages talking openly at all times, so that is what they do. A few groups, from what I can overhear, are debating something that was in the news this morning, but most of the kids are just chatting about nothing. Some of them look exceptionally bored, like they would rather be doing anything than talking to whoever they’re talking to. I am very familiar with that feeling. Aside from Minerva, I have never been very fond of the Candor, but I can at least appreciate the aesthetic that they have going. Their black and white clothing looks neat and put together just like the clothes in Erudite do. They don’t have as much variety in color, but they make up for it in style. Many of them have a natural beauty about them honed from years of learning how to be stunning without makeup because their faction doesn’t allow it.

Some of the Amity have abandoned their tables to sit on the floor in circles and play games that cause them to erupt into a fit of giggles every five or so minutes. Others remain in their seats and talk excitedly with bright smiles and lots of hand gestures. I can easily see why my brother would have been drawn to Amity; I am a little drawn to Amity. It’s hard not to be when they all just look so happy. Maybe it is not the wisest life to lead; perhaps it won’t lead to great success and prominence, but no one can deny Amity’s importance to our city. And maybe prominence isn’t everything. I mean, Mark obviously didn’t think so. I can see both the physical and metaphorical beauty in Amity. Their lives just seem so carefree, so easy. They never have to stress about anything and everything is always very pleasant. It would be so nice to be that way, to live without a care in the world. There is beauty in their kindness too; their bright smiles and how they always know just what to say. They always seem very in tune with others emotions and are ready to offer comfort even to those outside of their faction. Every Amity just seems to really enjoy being alive and I’ll bet that makes it a little easier to always be nice to people. Amity are pretty physically too. Every faction has sort of a look going for them beyond just colors and Amity’s is very light and soft, like they are. When they’re not working, most of them wear their hair long, loose, and natural. Their skin is perpetually sunkissed from working in the fields and many of them have freckles from the same thing. I look at Casey and I wonder how long it will take her to develop freckles that weren’t there before and a tan. Mark is noticeably slightly darker than the rest of my family and he has a little splash of freckles across his nose that I don’t remember being there when we were children.

The Abnegation sit on the far side of the cafeteria, all of them staring blankly into space with their hands folded. Their faction rules dictate that they’re always supposed to be quiet, still, and unnoticeable until someone can make use of them. There’s not a lot to look at with them; they don’t do anything, they don’t act like anything, the only time they ever say anything is when it’s their leaders. In a way I find it odd how they can always be so quiet, but in a way I do admire them. They always seem to be totally at peace, totally comfortable with fading into the background. I guess that if you never think about yourself then there’s nothing to be uncomfortable with. I kind of respect and envy that.

Eliza is called with the next group and as she stands neither Casey nor I wish her luck or reassure her, she doesn’t need it. Eliza knows who she is and where she belongs; she always has. She’s going to be an amazing Erudite who will do incredible things just like her parents, like my family, like the department heads. I think that Eliza will be one of them some day; maybe she’ll even be faction leader.

“I’m kind of nervous,” Casey says quietly, twisting her fingers together.

I nod, “Me too. But it’ll be fine; we - we already know where we belong.” The words feel wrong in my mouth, like the kind of lie that makes your skin crawl and you feel uncomfortable for ever saying it.

She nods with a strange look on her face. “Right.”

We fall into silence and she goes back to her book so I glance down at my phone, trying to pass the time by scrolling through my pictures. I’m not exactly one of those people who takes pictures of everything, but I do have some good ones. Most of them feature my friends, laughing and smiling. But flipping through them only makes the fear in my chest stronger. I don’t want to have to leave; I don’t want to lose them, I don’t want to be separated. But whether I leave or not things are about to change and they’ll never go back to the way that they used to be. Casey is going to leave. I keep saying that I’m okay with it and that it’s not a big deal because I’ve always known, but I’m going to miss her. I want her to be happy, but I also don’t want to lose my best friend. Following her wherever she goes isn’t really an option either; I could never be Amity, and I can’t just abandon Eliza and my family, right?

But I know that they’d all be fine without me if I did leave. Eliza is perfectly self-sufficient and she’s got Kira. My parents have watched two of their children leave already, they might not approve but I would never have to know. If I can’t do anything for myself then I at least want to make everyone else happy, but I can’t because everyone’s going in different directions. I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be smothered. I’m so afraid that I won’t survive if I stay in Erudite, or I’ll let everyone down. My family expects so much from me and I don’t want to disappoint them. I’m not Michael or Melanie; I don’t belong like they do, I can never pretend that Erudite is all that I’ve ever wanted and that I’ve always been sure.

When people look at me they always see something that I’m not. It feels like everybody thinks that I’m super smart and really impressive like all of my siblings are, but I’m not. I’ll never be as good as my siblings no matter how much I want to be. That’s always been my friends, they’re more adept than I am at pretty much everything. I mean, I have hobbies and even things that I’m good at. I get good grades and I’m good at talking to people, but I’m nothing outstanding. The only thing that makes me special is who I’m related to and that’s practically nothing if I can’t live up to my family’s legacy. Everyone I’m related to is special; everyone I’m related to is talented, and smart, and outstanding. Their greatness is natural and effortless; it’s something that they’ve always known and something that they just are. I work really hard at everything I do and I’m still nowhere as good at anything as anyone I know. I’m not oblivious; I know that I’m not the best fighter, or the best cellist, or student. I’ll never be as smart as Kira and Eliza, I’ll never be elegant and perfect like my mother, or strong like Minerva, or effortlessly kind like Mark and Casey. I’m nice, but I can’t draw people to me; and I’m not clumsy, but I am hardly perfect.

Erudite places a lot of importance on knowing what your good at; we call it finding your niche. The idea is that you find what you’re really, really good at and you stick to it. Supposedly everyone has one and that’s what you’re meant to do and be. If I have one, then I haven’t found it yet. Maybe if I could, then it would be easier to figure out what I want to do.

Because that’s what this all circles back to; I don’t know what to do. I feel lost and I’m terrified that nothing I’ll ever do will be what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m really afraid that I’m going to make a mistake, make the wrong choice, and spend the rest of my life miserable. I only get one chance to make my life the best life I can live.

Eliza comes back ten minutes or so later as calm and confident as she was when she left.

“How did it go?” Casey asks.

“Just fine,” she says with a smirk. Neither of us have to ask what she got, we’re not supposed to but that doesn’t exactly stop people, we both already know she got Erudite.

She’ll be really happy here, she’ll do great. I wonder if I’ll get to see it, I really don’t know. I think it’d be cool for her, Kira, and I to rise through the ranks together and for Eliza and I to be the people everyone wants us to be together, and for Kira to be a Dauntless that my parents don’t hate. I think it would be wonderful five years from now to be Melanie and Michael’s age and feel totally at home in tones of blue, surrounded by glass and steel, looking back on today and wonder why I ever worried. To be right there when Eliza claims all of the success that she’s always deserved, to be at her side the whole time; and Kira along with us, shocking everyone time and time again.

But even as I think this I still can’t help but think that this only sounds amazing in theory. In reality I know that it would be hard for all of us, that we’d struggle. Erudite weeds out the weak with brutal efficiency through vicious competition and I don’t worry about Eliza, but Kira and I could get cut down not because we’re not smart enough, but because we’re not as cutthroat as others. As much as I hate her, Dahlia could probably best me easily because she’s as devoted to competing as Eliza is. I might fail.

I do not want to fail.

My thoughts are interrupted as an Abnegation volunteer calls the next group for testing; two from Amity, two from Candor, two from Dauntless (Kira is one of them), two from Abnegation, and then, “From Erudite, Cassandra Diarmond and Mimette Malachite-Captor.”

I stand on trembling legs, smoothing my skirt and leave my journal behind with Eliza. Casey and I walk closely to each other and I want to take her hand to calm my nerves, but I don’t want to appear vulnerable. I am aware that I’m noticeable, I know that people see me and as the daughter of Erudite’s representative I know that there’s always a bit of a spotlight on me. I learned very young that I had to always be conscious of how I look, that I had to project confidence and grace all the time and uphold the core ideals of my faction. I have to be the perfect daughter, especially now that I’m the only one left under my parents’ care. I’m not perfect, but I can never let everyone else know that.

I nearly bump into an Abnegation girl as I go through the door, both of us stepping back quickly. After a moment I realize that it’s the same one that I smacked into in the hallway this morning. She gestures for me to go first and I do, muttering an apology.

Through the door is a hallway with ten frosted glass doors. Each of us goes through one, I glance at Casey one more time before we’re separated.

Inside the room is a chair and a computer terminal with an Abnegation woman sitting at it. We aren’t allowed to be tested by members of our own faction, so most of the volunteers are Abnegation with the exception of a few. The woman’s back is to me as she finishes something; her dark brown hair tied into the same bun that every Abnegation woman wears but hers has a few sections of hair that have fallen loose from it. I close the door behind me with a click and she turns at the sound.

She smiles gently, “My name is Maria. Have a seat please.”

The chair’s back is reclined and so when I lean back I am staring straight up at the ceiling.

“It doesn’t hurt,” Maria says. “It’s actually rather easy.”

“What happens?” I ask.

“I can’t say. Don’t worry about it, just do what feels natural.”

“What does that mean?” Like everyone in my faction, I ask a lot of questions. But I’m sure she’s been getting this all afternoon.

“Don’t worry about it.” She moves some of the loose curls behind her ear. Her eyes are dark and look as warm as her smile.

She hands me a vial of blue tinged liquid. “Drink this.”

“What does it do?”

“I can’t say, you’ll just have to trust me. The test will begin immediately afterward.”

I drink it all in one gulp and lean back again. I feel tired and heavy almost immediately. All I can do is close my eyes as my awareness of everything around me fades away.

When I open my eyes, I am in the cafeteria again. In front of me are two pedestals, each one holding a basket. In one basket is a knife as long as my forearm, gleaming silver in the bright light, and in the other is a slab of raw meet.

“Choose,” a voice says.

“Why?” I look around for the source of the voice and find nothing.

“Choose,” the voice repeats.

I look between the baskets, trying to decide. I reach out and hover over the meat for a minute before going to the knife and then back and then back again. Finally, I pick up the knife. This isn’t the first time I’ve held a knife, Melanie throws knives as a hobby and collects the pretty ones. Hers are far more elegant than the simple black and silver one I hold now.

I hear a noise behind be and turn to see a large black and brown dog growling. I can see its massive sharp teeth from here and I look down at the knife in my hand, knowing what I’m meant to do with it. But I can’t. I can’t kill this dog, I can’t and I won’t.

I throw the knife off to the side and hear it clatter to the floor somewhere. I step back slowly. There’s no way that I’ll be fast enough to make it all the way to the door, I wish that I’d grabbed the meat.

The dog snarls and runs at me. I don’t have a lot of experience with animals, Erudite doesn’t allow pets, but I know that usually they are more afraid of you than you are of them. Going down to their level and allowing them to approach you on their own terms works well, to be as gentle and nonthreatening as possible.

I, very slowly, kneel down to its height as it continues to run at me. I expect it to pounce on me and I brace for the impact but instead it skids to a stop in front of me. Very slowly, I lift my hand and hold it out in front of me for the dog to sniff. The dog snarls at me and sniffs at my hand. I keep my eyes on the tile and the dog’s feet, keeping my breathing as even as possible. I feel something cold and wet press into my palm and I lift my head slowly. The dog’s snout is pressed into my hand and it looks at me expectantly, its vicious expression gone. I smile slightly and move my hand behind its ears, still slowly so as not to upset it. I scratch behind its ears and it wags its tail, sitting down.

I smile at it. “You’re not so vicious, are you?”

It licks my face and I laugh, wiping the drool away with the back of my hand.

“Puppy!” A child in a white dress exclaims, giggling. “C’mere.”

The dog snarls at the little girl, once again becoming vicious. The child shrieks and flinches, before the dog can run at her I wrap my arms around its neck, keeping it from charging with only my body weight.

I expect to feel sharp teeth sink into me as it thrashes in my arms, but after a moment it stops. I open my screwed shut eyes and I am no longer in the cafeteria, I am sitting on the city bus among dozens of others.

Across the aisle stands a Candor man reading a newspaper. I can’t see his face over the newspaper, but his hands are scarred like he’s been burned as far up as I can see before they disappear into the white sleeves of his jacket. I fold my hands in front of me and stare ahead, reading the front page of his paper. The headline reads, ‘Brutal Murderer Finally Apprehended’ in thick black font. Below the headline is a grainy black and white mugshot of a plain looking man with dark hair and empty eyes. I can’t make out any of the text surrounding the photo thought. Suddenly, the man folds the newspaper so that only the front page shows, his face twisted into a scowl. His face is in the same state as his hands and he wears dark sunglasses, but I can fill in the blanks on what his eyes must look like.

“Do you know this guy?!” he demands, jabbing the mugshot.

I jump slightly looking at the people next to me, and there are people next to me but I can’t quite to focus on their features.

“I’m talking to you, girlie,” he says.

I point to myself, looking around at the other passengers, waiting for them to notice but no one does.

“Yes, you.” I cannot see his eyes, but I do not have to to know that he rolled them. “Well, do you know him?”

I stare intently at the photo, I feel like I might know the man, but the feeling is faint and the photo quality is poor. I glance down to see if there’s a name, but I can’t quite make out any words besides the headline.

“I don’t believe so,” I say. It’s a lie, but he does not seem the sort of person that I want to be honest with.

“I don’t believe you.” He crumples the newspaper.

“You must be mistaking me for someone else.”

“You must be lying to me.” He steps closer and looms over me in my seat.

I rise slowly from my seat, forcing him to take a step back. “I’m not lying.”

“I can see it in your eyes.” I can smell cigarettes on his breath and have to push down the urge to cough.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I try to keep my tone light and pleasant, like dealing with a particularly unpleasant classmate in the presence of a teacher. No one has to know how mean I can be, all I have to do is smile and be polite.

He tilts his sunglasses down and I can see that his eyes are pale green and bloodshot with dark rings under them. “If you knew him, you could save me. You could save me!”

I clench my hands together and look away, anywhere but his eyes. “Well, I’m sorry. I don’t.”

[randomnessunicorn-imagine]

❇️ Dating Scenario ;

{ Heylà~ I want to thank you again for your sweet words, I am happy this new initiative is welcome. Here your date thing, enjoy-! This time, I changed the order of the steps because I am rebel, yo -! Yes, I am unable to make things brief… }

@artemiselle x Rus ( SF Papyrus )

💙 FIRST MEETING ;

It was a desolated and glacial day in the city of Snowdin and you were wondering how you got in a place like this so far away from your home. This situation was quite mysterious. Like this whole thing was nothing, there was a weird skeleton monster who was chasing after you, and he seemed so determinate to capture you. He was a little and apparently, harmless monster but, like that famous expression told, looks can be deceiving, and he was everything but innocent and kind. He presented himself like the fearsome and amazing Sans. This eccentric individual was accompanied by his tallest brother, this one seemed a sort of watchdog who did not talk so much and you were unsure about his true utility since he was doing anything but watching. On his face, the same expression could be noticed, a lazy and apathetic grin and it was threatening in its odd way. These monsters were pretty weird and you only hoped to find a way to escape from this unusual and unpleasant situation. Luckily, you were very smart and perceptive so you were able to resolve all the puzzles that strange being proposed to you because Sans was a puzzles maniac and he could not accept to be defeated by a mere human like you. This situation was going on a little long and you were so tired, you needed a little rest and that crazy skeleton did not give up. You could do anything to stop him since you were not a warrior so you had to accommodate his foolish games waiting for he was exhausted by himself. After a while, a period of time that seemed endless, he finally got bored of it and he thought this game was getting tedious and he had to think about new puzzles because it was not the end and the grand Sans did not know the definition of the term “defeat”. You won the battle, not the war! After his latest threat, he ordered something to his brother with a low voice, you thought he was unable to speak so slowly and Sans disappeared like a ninja somewhere over the woods. The delicate sound of the snow that was falling from the grey sky was the only one that surrounded this desolated place. Then, a new sound came out of nowhere, it was so placid and low just like a whisper. His brother, the tallest and mysterious skeleton, was speaking with you, his expression was still so insensitive and far away. He seemed so calm and patient but maybe it was all appearance. The words he was pronouncing seemed of relief, «Uhm… Human, you made my brother so enthusiastic, it’s the first time he comes into contact with a human being, so…», he pondered about the next words to say while the landscape became more and more white. «I may appear rude saying this, but it seems you became his new toy, it’s not good for you, try to survive anyway». He was glad his brother was having so much fun chasing after you, even if you were risking your life and it was not a game. You could not understand the real meaning of his phrase, if he was giving you some words of encouragement or, maybe, he wanted you to survive so his brother would have had a lot of fun repeatedly. After he said it, he vanished into the air. Anyway, this situation could not be defined so fair, for you.

💚 SECOND MEETING ;

You were persistent and you did not give up, because of your superior intellectual capacity, you seemed difficult to be defeated. The fact that you were still alive in this hell was something. Your journey in Snowdin has not yet been completed and you were wandering the city searching for something that could have helped you and some new information about this place. During these days, you met the skeleton brothers several times that it seemed a routine. Sans acted always so rude and impertinent with you filling his mouth with words of hatred and antipathy towards you and you kept saying to him how he was rude and maybe he should have learnt some good manners because you did not do anything wrong and he was the one who attacked you all the time. You were so honest and frank in your words and Sans felt like a little child who was lectured by his parents because your communicative skills were so great and he felt so uncomfortable dealing with a smart mouth like you. Papyrus found your debates so amusing and he was so surprised you were able to handle his brother and even Papyrus could understand how Sans could be a total bastard sometimes so it was normal you were so angry. You have never hurt Sans and you have never been violent with him. Your prevalent weapon was dialogue and the power of words. Stick and stones might just break bones, but the wounds from words never healed. This made you so fascinating in Papyrus’ eyes because your behaviour was different so he was so curious even if he remained always silent and his attitude was the same of a mysterious scientist who observed and investigated the universe. You have not talked with Papyrus so much but you found him captivating as well and you wanted to have a conversation with him because you were sure he knew so many things and he had secrets that have been kept for so long. Since you were so hungry, you decided to take a break in a café called “Muffet’s”, it was a weird place managed by a spider woman but you have seen so many weird things so you were not so surprised. The fact that made you surprised was that there was the skeleton you needed who was conversing with Muffet. You were incredulous because you imagined to find him in a more intellectual place like a library and not in a public place so crowded. All the monsters watched you with suspect and hatred while you were walking towards the skeleton. It seemed he had perceived your presence but he did not speak. The spider woman gave you a mortal stare and she was ready to kick you out from her cafe because you were not allowed being here. Papyrus was the one who stopped her, raising his skeletal hand, saying you were his guest and he was waiting for you like it was a date and you remained shocked. Did he read your mind? Was he a sort of seer? No, it was too strange and now you were more curious than before to find out what this skeleton had in his inscrutable mind.

💛 DATE ;

After Papyrus spoke, a mystic silence took possession of this place and it seemed his word was sacred and respected here. Nobody was going to attack or disturb you until he was here because nobody wanted to mess with him. The atmosphere was the same of an old Western movie and it was so uncomfortable. Then, the skeleton spoke again, «I guess, you are my guest today, little human», so you took a seat next to him presenting yourself a second time, and you preferred to be called with your name. Papyrus shook his shoulders, indifferent, «As you want, kid… I see, you are very sharp and able in what you do», it did not seem a compliment because he truly thought it about you, and his tone was not flattering. «Thanks…», you said studying his posture and attitudes because you could expect everything from a mysterious person like this and you have not already understand his real purpose. Then, he turned his head towards you seeing you with a two pair of cold eyes, «I am glad you have not chosen the other path, don’t change your mind!». You did not know what path he was talking about but his glance was so threatening and it scared you. You just nodded keeping analysing his moves and he knew it. «It gives me less troubles and I don’t have all that effort, you know», his skeletal hand moved reaching his pocket from which he extracted a cigarette that he lighted using the little flames of a candle that was burning lazily. There were so many candles here and the atmosphere was so dark and dusty. This place looked more like a haunted house than a café. You asked to yourself how he could smoke without lungs, he seemed more relaxed, and maybe it was only one of his vices since you would have defined him like the true personification of the sloth, one of the Seven Deadly Sins and he was an expert on sins. It was the voice of Muffet that brought you into reality because she was waiting for your order so you informed the spider lady about it. Actually, the conversation with him has not been so stressful because his intention was not to make you uncomfortable, he just wanted to learn something about yourself. He wanted to understand if you were a true threat or not. You explained to him that you were just too honest and you said what you had in mind but you acted in good faith. You were not lying and he could perceive it so he was relieved and maybe his interests did not seem to be scientific in nature only. Papyrus kept on thinking you were so interesting and you have caught his curiosity and it was so rare because he was apathetic most of the time. This date became friendlier even if you were the one who talked more and he was limited to listen to your stories and thoughts without losing any of your words as if he was enchanted and captured by your erudite knowledge. Smart people attracted him and you were so reflexive and intelligent. The café was getting empty, you lost the track of time, and it was time to go. You were a little sad because maybe it was your only chance to talk with him and you had so much fun, and you did not know if you should have considered him like your friend. He was still the brother of your enemy so it was possible he was tricking you. You were going to pay your bill, reaching out Muffet for giving to her your money until Papyrus stopped you, posing his hand on yours and with his calm and soave voice he said it was his treat. Your heart lost a beat and the feeling you perceived in that moment was so… Undefinable. His hand was cold and harsh to the touch since it was made of bones but his touch was delicate and tender and you could not believe an enigmatic and unemotional person like him could be so gentle. On the other side, your hand was so warm and soft and he felt a pleasant feeling. It was so alive and he has not comprehended yet that you were filled with life and grit. It would have been a shame losing someone like you in this infamous world. In that moment, he realized something and he was the one to be surprised this time. Then, you've said your hellos and it seemed Papyrus was unable to leave your hand because he was still holding it and you did not complain about it. It was time for you to go and it was too dangerous venture into the streets of the Underground at night.

💜 CONFESSION ;

After that date, the relationship between you and Papyrus became more open and deeper. He appeared always like that mysterious skeleton who was hiding something but you could understand he trusted you a little more and you were so happy and glad because you appreciated his company. Papyrus was so intelligent, calm and caring in his ways, even when he did not say anything, his silence spoke for him, and it was full of significance. You could noticed a presence was following you from far away and you were sure it was Papyrus, because he was attached to you and he was afraid something bad could happen and someone could attack you. Papyrus was a very over-protective person and he still protected his brother and he often fallowed him because he had to be sure Sans was safe and sound despite his brother was a pro fighter but Papyrus could never be at peace and he preferred to be sure cheeking on the situation by himself. You found his behaviour a little creepy and you just ignored it since you felt protected because it was still a horrible place, and you cared to live. There were other occasions where you could see him and they were more normal than a stalking session. You often could find him at Muffet’s and it was his favourite place, every day was a date even if he did not specify it, but it was a routine that you could not deny. As the days passed, Papyrus realized he felt something for you but he has never confessed it to you because it seemed too weird and this place was not made for romance, so he acted colder since this feeling was unfair and he was sure you would have never shared his same sentiment. You, being the smart person you were, have noticed his behaviour was weird and he acted so distant like the first time you met him. You asked for an explication and he said that he was just tired and stressed because of his brother’s complains. It was not true so you insisted because you wanted to know the truth. Then, before he could answer, you confessed that you really cared about him and you were so sad he changed his mind if he was avoiding you, acting so cold without a reason. Maybe you were deceiving yourself and you were just dreaming. Papyrus felt so sorry hearing it and he understood your feelings towards him were true and pure. He felt so stupid and inept. You were going away until he reached your hand, in that moment you perceived the same sensation of tenderness and he felt so comfortable too. Since he had nothing to say that could not be explained with simple gestures, he just hugged you and it meant more than all those complicated words the two of you were used to say.

[lunaschild2016]

Worth Fighting For Chapter 24 - Unexpected Ephiphanies

Rating: M (violence, smut, language, references to abuse and violence)

Romance/Tragedy

He was ruthless, cunning and completely committed to protecting his city but her arrival to Dauntless called everything he ever thought he believed into question. Duty and following orders were no longer enough. They both found more than they ever thought possible. They both found something worth fighting for. Eric/OC AU M Tragedy/Romance

@kenzieam@ericdauntless@jojuarez26@jaihardy@iammarylastar@captstefanbrandt@badassbaker@readsalot73@fuckthatfeeling@dani5102@beltz2016@beautifulramblingbrains@affabletimelady@irasancti@meganbee15@meganbee15@lauraaan182@gylisaa@scorpio2009@bookgirlthings@pathybo@violetsonthelam XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Chapter 24 - Unexpected Epiphanies   Eric

My trying not to follow Chase and Kat failed pretty epically. I didn’t go directly after them. I still had to straighten myself up and get my things together for the meeting. My hair and clothes were a mess after I had passed out holding Kat while she slept. Considering I hadn’t slept the entire night, none of us had, it wasn’t that surprising. What was surprising was how right it had felt and how I hadn’t had one single nightmare or bad dream during the hour long rest I had gotten in.

The entire morning let me know just how deep I really was already with her but also how fucking hard it was going to be to keep things at the friendship level. I had already crossed more than a few lines I set for myself in those few hours with her. I could give in and take it there with her, now that I was sure she wanted the same thing I knew she wouldn’t mind. She would even welcome it.

There were so many reasons that I was fighting it and trying to hold off though and they were all becoming tangled up and almost drowned in the need to just be with her. So after I had gotten myself straightened out and my things together I had headed down towards the Pit and became a total lurker as I watched them from across the way.

I held up a wall and worked on emails or messages as I waited for Max, Victoria, and James. Max would be going to Erudite where I learned he would be meeting with Jeanine. That meant that thankfully neither would be there and I could work on a way to get alone with Andrew Prior and talk. I hadn’t failed to notice Kat’s look when I mentioned that I had this meeting to go to. I could also guess that she was thinking of her father.

Zach had mentioned that he had looked shocked and hurt by their defection. How would he be feeling now that the moment was over? I was already running over things in my mind I could say to him or wanted to ask him. I also was contemplating something that had me thinking I was absolutely losing my fucking mind.

I was going to ask Andrew Prior to show up at visiting day for his daughter. Because I knew that she might not expect it or even admit she would want it, but Kat wanted her parents to show up.

My eyes followed Chase and Kat as they exited the Pit early enough to give her time to get to the tracks. I have never been so fucking jealous of Chase as I am right at this moment and about being able to babysit the damn initiates on a trip to the fence.

I stifle a groan of frustration as Max, James and Victoria join me and then we head to the transport that will take us into the city and our respective destinations. The day is just starting and I am already ready for it to be at the end.

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The meeting was as dry, irritating and long as it normally is. This time, I didn’t zone out as much as I normally would have. I kept my attention to watching the Abnegation leaders closely. I pushed aside, or tried to push aside, old prejudices and really listened and watched them.

It was hard to see all that Kat had spoken of about her father in this kind of setting. The other Abnegation leaders were reserved and quiet, allowing Marcus Eaton to dominate the speaking when it came to being represented during the proceedings. I did notice that a few times, when there was an issue being addressed, that Andrew would get a look. A look I was all to familiar with already as belonging to Kat. It was when he got that look, the quiet fire sparking behind what would be considered a mild or meek demeanor, that I paid the most attention. It was also in those times when someone other than Marcus spoke for Abnegation. What was surprising that I hadn’t ever noticed this before was that sometimes it was a contradiction or opposition to the noted head leaders on propositions.

One such instance was when Erudite was proposing to allow observers at times when the food deliveries were scheduled. It wasn’t said that they would only be Erudite but was hinted at by the fact that it was Erudite making the proposition.

For months now there had been circulations that there has been severe mismanagement if not outright theft of the food supply. Rumors had begun to be spread that this was all really just Abnegation hoarding supplies and that while they put on airs that they lived a simple non materialistic life, the evidence of the missing supplies was proof enough that this was a lie.

Listening now to this same evidence, I am pretty fucking ashamed that I just believed it. I ate up every fucking word and believed that because, why would Erudite lie? Why would they falsify the reports? Falsifying research, reports and investigations is anathema to an Erudite. It is supposed to go against everything they stand for.

It is drilled into every child in Erudite almost from birth that there can be no good from that course of action. That it would only lead to loss of knowledge and progress. When a report came out from Erudite, it was believed wholly because of this very fact.

Just like with Dauntless though, not everything is as it should be. I can see that now and I feel a sick coil of dread grip me at this realization.

Andrew Prior only solidifies this for me when he stands after being given the floor by Marcus, who had just tried to shoot down the request completely and not even allow it to come to a vote. It was Andrew that seconded the motion, stating that the very reasons the rumors and allegations were able to flourish was because of no one being allowed to observe. That it was selfish of those responsible to not allow the people directly affected, the other citizens of the city, to have a say and assurance things were being handled properly.

He might have said this all in a very reasonable and mild tone of voice but I heard the steel behind it. I heard the fire behind his words. I also saw the looks that the other leaders exchanged after he took a seat.

I know now why Jeanine is obsessed with the elder Prior. He is a threat, a threat to her plans to take over the government. Because what I saw in the eyes of several other faction leaders was absolute respect for Andrew Prior and most likely the belief that the wrong person was heading the council for the city. As long as Marcus was in charge the discontent and lack of faction cooperation would continue. Making it so very fucking easy for her to pull off what she was working towards and most likely had been for years.

I think I knew in those few minutes that it was quickly becoming not just about saving Kat at this point. Though I won’t lie...that was still my main focus. Now it was about making up for something I couldn’t help but feel sickened I had allowed myself to be blinded into being part of.

I had no fucking clue how to start fixing the cluster fuck we were headed to, and in a hurry.

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The meeting broke finally after taking what seemed to be hours later. It wasn’t quite dinner time at the moment but it wasn’t that far off. I had a choice to make at this point. I could straggle and find excuses to linger until I saw my opportunity or I could head out, catch the train and seek Kat out for dinner. I can admit there was a very large fucking part of me that was craving and itching to do just that. Chase had sent me a few messages that things were well and she was doing fine. It helped with some of the worry but not the overwhelming need to see and touch her.

In the end I had to brace myself and suck it up, keeping in my mind the damn goal here. It was to get more information and hopefully a clearer view of just how the fuck I was going to pull off keeping Kat and her sister safe.

So I lingered, pretending to be absorbed in my tablet and with notes from the meeting. I even engaged in conversation with an Amity leader who was eager to be able to have someone with the observers during the food deliveries in the interest of being able to mediate. The motion had passed with no further opposition after Andrew’s seconding it.

Finally, it was just a few Abnegation remaining. Andrew was among them. Marcus had already left, was actually one of the first to leave. Andrew and Jared were left to break down and clean up from the day's proceedings.

Trying to determine the best way to go about starting things, I began to help put chairs away and pick up the odd piece of trash. Clear away the water glasses and pitchers.

Andrew is a very smart man. I will give him that. He must have sensed I was there for a reason or I was giving too much away because before I knew it Jared was gone and Andrew was coming towards me with a serene smile.

“I thank you for the help.” He began after taking the last tray of glasses from me and tilting his head. “There is no need to inconvenience yourself further though. I am sure you must have more important matters to attend to then this.” He motions to the little bit of cleanup left.

I nod to him, careful to keep my tone and expression neutral and not what would have been my customary sneer. “I do. One of those things happens to be speaking with you. If you have a moment that is?”

A brief flash of amusement and a tiny hint of impatience went through the elder man’s eyes but he nodded gracefully. I already knew that it wouldn’t be at all in an Abnegation to refuse the request and I was proven correct. “I can always make time when it is asked of me. Would you like to have a seat so we can speak more comfortably?”

Talking here in the Hub where there were cameras and others sure to be present was an extremely bad idea. This was already risky even if I was given the pretense of having this conversation by Andrew’s own actions today.

“It is close to dinnertime if I am not mistaken. I was thinking that it would suffice to speak as we both made our ways home.” I supplied and hoped this too wasn’t too obvious.

Andrew’s forehead wrinkled for a moment before he sighed and placed the last of the glasses we had just cleared together. “While that would certainly work I am afraid that I am not sure how much talking we would get done. You are bound for the train and I have my walk home ahead of me.”

I shrugged casually. “I can accompany you on the walk and catch the train when we are done. It isn’t that much out of my way to do so.”

He doesn’t argue thankfully and with that we head out. We are out of the building and well down the path before I begin to speak. I am not quite ready to delve into the deep shit just yet. So I look for something a little safer until I work the rest of what I want to get to out.

“I don’t know if you are aware, but part of my duties as a leader is overseeing the new initiates training.” I am still working to keep my voice as neutral as possible as I glance out the side of my eye to him as we are walking along.

His face betrays nothing really but he does tense in his shoulders. “I was not aware of that. I am sure that is a very important job for any faction but...especially for our protectors.”

“It can be difficult. There is a line that needs to be held in trying to make sure that we remain strong and capable. At the same time, it can be difficult when you know that some of those initiates just aren’t going to make it.” My answer is honest and just a stream of thought. I had no one specific in mind but I think from his sudden halt in walking and the worried frown that crosses his face, he might be thinking I am referencing Kat.

I allow a small reassuring smile to tilt my lips. “I don’t think it would be crossing over the belief of faction before blood for me to say that your daughter is doing very well so far.”

There isn’t the relief that I figured would show. Instead he tilts his head and his eyes narrow. ”If you know that I have one daughter among you, then you know there is another as well. Are they both not doing well?”

I clear my throat and shake my head. “No, of course they are both doing well. Better than expected to be perfectly honest.”

Andrew nods slowly and relief does spread across his face along with what I assume is guilt. He lets out a sigh and turns to start walking again, his hands clasped behind his back. “To be honest, I am not surprised they are doing well. I think I always knew….” He trails off and shakes his head but then looks to me, turning his head. “To which daughter were you originally referencing?”

I hesitate to answer because singling out one had been a mistake. It gave too much away and I needed to find a way to not do that. “Kat, as she goes by, has shown great promise so far.” I finally get out and hope my tone was even.

“Indeed? I think I should have expected as much. How involved are you with the training? Do you interact much with the initiates?”

“Normally, I have very little personal contact with initiates. Like I said though, Kat shows great promise. I saw from the beginning her potential and I can admit to wanting to foster that.”

Once again Andrew comes to a stop and faces me. The placid expression of an Abnegation is gone though and instead I see calculating and piercing eyes shining through. Along with no small amount of that fire his daughter carries. “It sounds as if you are coming to know my daughter very well then. The question for me is if that is just as a leader of her future faction, or something else more personal?”

I know I take way too long to answer this question. I debate just exactly how to answer it and to be honest, I don’t want to lie. There is this part of me that wants to state my intentions and to this man, her father. The first and only important man that has been in her life to date. His approval, hell even his blessing, suddenly means the fucking world to me.

I tense in my face and body as I prepare to answer, knowing that after I do I will see the sneer or dismissal I have been used to seeing my whole life. The look of not being worthy of something. He wouldn't be wrong in this instance. I am nowhere near worthy of her, but I am also selfish enough that I don’t care.

“I am first and foremost her Instructor and Leader. Her success in training and in Dauntless is my main focus currently. Whatever else we may be will be entirely up to her but I can truthfully state that I hope it progresses to more besides the friends we have also become.” I try to keep my tone even. I try to keep my words and expression as neutral as possible but I don’t quite make it.

My jaw is clenched too tightly and my fists bunched together making the muscles in my arms and shoulders tense.

He holds my eyes for long minutes before he gives a brief nod and then a small tilt of his lips. “I have to say I am surprised at the honesty and feeling behind your answer. So I will respond in kind. You have to know I am well aware of your….reputation...within your faction and outside of it. As a father, no matter that my daughter is no longer in my own faction, this brings concerns to me. You also have to understand something else and maybe you will one day when or if you have a child of your own. I may not have chosen the path of protector in choosing Abnegation. I never believed that to be the role I was born to play in our society. Having children though, changes that in ways I couldn’t have predicted. Whether I am cut out for it or not, I am still driven and want to protect my daughters.”

“I think that is to be expected and while I don’t have children, that is true, I can imagine...” I stop for a moment because until this moment, until meeting Kat, I couldn’t imagine it. I still can’t really imagine having children but I know what he might be talking about. At least a little bit of it with how much I needed to protect Kat.

So I shake my head and clarify. “No, I can’t imagine what it is for a father to need to protect his children. I can’t claim that and I don’t know that will be something I will ever be…” Again I pause, lost for words.

A small smirk tilts Andrew’s lips and it looks like he is holding in amusement. “Blessed with?” He supplies a description for me.

An answering smirk tilts my own lips. “I was thinking more along the lines of honored...but blessed would fit too in this instance I think. I don’t know if that will be something that I am meant for. Before now I probably wouldn’t have dared to hope. Recently though, I think I have learned to be able to use that word again.”

He doesn’t answer right away, just turns and begins walking. “There is a reason you wanted to speak to me today, Eric. Was it to give me a progress report on my daughters?”

His tone suggests he knows full well that wasn’t the reason. I shake my head and rub the back of my neck a little. “I came to a realization recently. About how little I have ever interacted, really interacted, with members of different factions. Mainly Abnegation. I thought it was about time I remedied that.” I look over to him and give a small chuckle at the thought of my conversations with Kat about her faction and family. “I can also admit that my curiosity was more than a little piqued by speaking with Kat. She speaks very highly of you and your wife.”

A look of pain crosses his face before he sighs a little. “That is good of you to say but I am not sure I deserve that.”

“If you have heard of my reputation Sir, you know I am not one to try and reassure someone of something when there is no truth to it. I am not known for compassion.” I mutter a bitterly at the end.

“And yet here you are, talking to a father about his daughters, who he misses more than he can say. Giving him the piece of mind to know that not only they are doing well but that they are flourishing. In a faction he knew they were bound for but because he was so afraid of letting them go, of letting them leave him and his protection, he showed disdain and displeasure.” For the first time the calm tones he had been speaking in fled. He was now letting true sadness and regret come through. There was also a voice laden with self recrimination.

His manner of speaking and the fire behind the words...I saw so much of Kat in him at that moment.

“She is just like you, you know. Always willing to look for the worst in herself but the best in others, even me.”

What the fuck is wrong with me right now? Why in the hell did I let that slip?

We were coming up onto a small park area, the only one before the city started to degrade into the disrepair of the factionless and Abnegation sectors. Andrew had been leading us to a bench set out of the way, away from the roads and under cover of trees. I hadn’t noticed this during my recent reflections.

He took a seat at one end of the bench and let out a tired sigh, but there was also a smile on his face. “I wish I could take the credit for that but I have to say that is all her mother. Once, I was very much self centered, arrogant, analytical and frankly rather pessimistic. I was also driven to help but didn’t see a way to do that beyond how I was taught. It took a swift kick to the ass by Natalie for any of that to change for me.”

I let out a short chuckle of laughter, taking a seat as well. Talk about it running in the family and similar situations. I am also amazed how at ease I am right now around the older man. Maybe it is because I see so much of his daughter in him, whether he takes credit or not.

Andrew cast a look with a smile over to me and shrugged. “She and I became friends and she not so kindly informed me that it would never be more unless I could get over myself. I wasn’t a very nice person at the time. What she saw in me to even be my friend I will never know but I will forever be grateful too. Meeting her opened my eyes to who I could be, who I was...even what I would become if I continued with the path I was on.”

Fuck did that sound familiar. I was caught up in his story and part of me wondered if he wasn’t saying all of this as part of some kind of trick. To get me to their side. The paranoid part that has been conditioned to see this man and his faction as an enemy for so long.

“When my choosing time came, I had a difficult decision before me. I could stay where I was, continue on the path I knew and felt familiar with, which was comforting in a way. Or I could go where I felt and knew I was meant for, truly meant for. A path that was unknown and bound to be much more difficult for me. Never mind that she was going there too, although...that did have the biggest draw. It was a decision I had to make for myself. Something she knew and because she also knew I was more than half tempted to choose it because of her, she cut me out of her life. The pain that caused us both at the time was great. I was so very angry at her for the months leading up until my choosing ceremony. I refused to see it for what she was meaning it to be. An act of love and selflessness. She didn’t want to let me choose something because of her. If I was meant to be there and truly wanted it, I would go even knowing that I would never have her.”

“I...I honestly can’t say I would be so understanding. How did you get past that?” I ask incredulously.

He shrugs and I can tell he is lost in the memory as he looks out over the small green area of the park. “I didn’t at first. I was angry with her and even hated her. Which was her goal, I found out later. She pushed me away and made me hate her because she needed me to want it for myself. In the end that is why I chose. I never hated her really. I loved her then even through the anger. I might have suspected why she did it even though I didn’t really know. She got me to think, helped me to see a different path but choosing it for her would never have been enough. I would have been miserable, resented her and probably have failed entirely had I chosen to transfer just for her.”

I swallow and nod as I look out into the distance, thinking of the parallels of my situation. Then something strikes me and my forehead furrows in thought but also confusion. “Wait.” I stop and look to him. “Forgive me but I guess, well, I mean you don’t strike me as having ever belonged to another faction. I honestly thought you were born in Abnegation but you transferred?”

He turned and looked at me during this, amusement definitely on his lips. “I think the point was that I never did belong where I was from but yes, I was a transfer.”

I bite my lip to keep from blurting out the question bubbling there. I feel almost urgent in needing to ask it. Like it is some kind of piece in a completely fucked up puzzle of what the endgame for Jeanine is and how I can stop it.

“Erudite. You want to know what my faction of birth was. I was born to parents in Erudite.” He answers my unspoken question.

A chill runs through my body. My synapses are firing as small pieces start connecting for me. Questions are answered but a million more questions pop up in a flood that can’t even begin to be processed for me but I latch on to my next question.

“And your wife? Was she always…”

I don’t get to finish as I see his lips thin slightly and he shakes his head. “No, she transferred too. I don’t know why I am telling you this.” He stops and frowns at himself, possibly debating answering. “She transferred from Dauntless but like my daughters knew her path very early on in life.”

I sit back, a bit stunned in general, digesting this all until I am lost in thought. I don’t know how long I am wrapped up in that when I hear Andrew give a chuckle from beside me.

“You know, sometimes I think God put women on this earth to only utter the phrase ‘I told you so’. How many times has she said over the years that I need to stop and put aside my ‘preconceived notions’ of one thing or another? You for instance and this entire conversation. It is certainly showing me that there are still lessons I need to learn.”

I frown and look to him. “How so?”

“How often do Abnegation and Dauntless...or any of the other factions members, find themselves having real conversations or interaction? I can say in all my years as leader as well as being a part of both factions that it has happened only one other time. When I met my wife.”

I nod slowly and in thought. Was this part of the problem? I was so ready to believe what was being fed to me because I had no basis to be able to disprove it or another starting point to go from. “I don’t think you are alone in that, Sir.”

Another chuckle from him and he sighs. “Andrew, you can call me Andrew.” The horn of the train sounds in the distance, and he glances at his watch. “You have given me a lot to think about tonight, Eric. You have also put a little of a father’s worry at rest. I am sure that Natalie will be glad to have some news of our girls.”

He stands, signaling that the time he can allow has passed. I rise as well and look, a little dumbfounded, at the hand that he has extended for me to shake. I extend my own and grasp his. His grip starts out what I would expect, slightly loose and gentle as we pump our hands in a normal shake. Then it tightens more than I would think possible as his eyes narrow slightly and take on that fire again. Though I notice now his eyes are more blue in their hazel color than the green of his daughter.

“I think it need not be said that I expect as a leader of your faction and as a man, for you to honor your words earlier. Whatever your wishes, it will always be her choice.”

My entire body tenses at his words and implication. My temper flares briefly before I shut it down. My jaw clenches and I fight myself to return his tight grasp with everything I have. “Of course. Her happiness, her safety, will always be first in my mind.” I pause and my own eyes narrow. “I will also be honest and say that I believe I know what her choice will be just as I know what mine is.”

He gives a small smile and let's go with a sigh. “Eric, if that is the case and she has made her choice, I wish you all the luck in doing what I believe you are going to attempt to do.” He laughs outright at this. “My daughters have a fire and stubbornness the likes of which you wouldn’t believe.”

A groan escapes me as I shake my head. “Sir,” I start to reply and needing the formalness of the title when addressing her father in this scenario. “I think I can and do believe it. I can only hope that the next few weeks pass quickly.” We start to walk again and before we part, him for his sector and me to the train, I turn to look at him. “I believe that visiting day will be here soon. Maybe we can meet again at that time? Dauntless’ doors will be open to all factions, as always, on that day.”

He tilts his head and smiles a little. “I believe that a meeting could be arranged for that day.” He frowns a little though. “But if you could, don’t…”

I nod in understanding. “I will be sure to keep that to myself.”

We both nod to each other in understanding. Tensions are high, higher than he might even be aware of. While it wouldn’t be against any rules for a leader to visit another faction, in this instance it could cause a stir and concern. I couldn’t tell Kat any of this and get her hopes up. She would put a brave face on but she would also be crushed, I am sure. I did what I could though and at the very least I was determined to make that day good for her should the worst happen.

[albinaretyunskikh]

Don’t aspire to turn heads. Strive to turn souls.

Insecurity:

1. uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.

the state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection.

“Watch your thoughts, they become words; watch your words, they become actions; watch your actions, they become habits; watch your habits, they become character; watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

I’ve struggled with insecurity and self-doubt since I was probably 5 years old. And I can’t even say that now I don’t, because I still do. I always had that little feeling inside of me that would whisper quietly that I’m not good or smart enough. I always felt that there are so many more interesting human beings in the world than I am. So many more beautiful girls than me. I always wanted to have long and skinny legs, for instance. And my dad would joke and say “oh you have my body type!”. My dad is a boxer, he’s very toned and fit… But he doesn’t have long and skinny legs, so the teenager me would get very upset. I hated my nose, I always thought it was longer than it should be. My front teeth aren’t as perfect and straight as I want them to be. My fingers are a bit crooked and my hair is so think that Winter becomes a nightmare, when I start seeing it all over the place and I can’t even put it in a ponytail before it starts staring up on end like crazy. I have very flat feet, big hips and not at all skinny legs. I often think I’m not good enough and I won’t ever achieve everything I want. I get easily embarrassed when I make a grammar mistake in English. I sometimes struggle to believe that I could become a good writer and live off of what I love. Uncomfortable situations make me blush and I go quiet. When people look at me for more than 10 seconds I instantly think that my hair is dirty or I have something on my face. Oh, I also struggle with the belief that if I text my friend and she doesn’t reply, she’s probably mad at me and she probably ultimately hates me deep down and doesn’t want to talk to me. I say sorry all the time. I am constantly distracted and absorbed in my thoughts and I feel guilty because of that because I think I’m losing my time. That’s about how insecure I am. And there are so many incredible things I could be proud of, the things I’ve learned, the things I’ve accomplished, the people I’ve met, the places I’ve seen. But insecurity often prevails.

I don’t want to bore anyone with childhood shit, but, personally, the way I grew up influenced my personality in ways I can’t even imagine. My parents always loved me, but in their own special way, far from the picture perfect TV ad with that beautiful blond family eating biscuits for breakfast. I grew up in Italy with my mom and I moved to Moscow to live with my dad when I was 14. In some ways, in the defining years of my teenage I did not receive the attention and the care the fragile 13-year-old me needed. It’s hard to be aware of this at that age, but now that I’m 25 I definitely notice how absolutely insecure and full of self-doubt I was then, and how that crafted me in the person I am now.

As girls, we really are brought up thinking that just for being girls, we’re already guilty of something. That we need to be this perfect version of ourselves… but not for ourselves, for other people. I feel like I lost so much time in my life wondering about what other people wanted for me.

The problem with insecurity is that it’s a self-fulfilling process. You’re insecure about one thing, then you become insecure about something else, and then all you’re left with is insecurities.

As any other insecure person out there, what I did for a long time is listening to every single thing people would say or think. I never paid too much attention to compliments, because I didn’t really believe them. But every single ounce of negativity and mean comments, oh wow, I could think and rethink of that and dwell in them for days. That’s the worst thing about insecurity: you try to become somebody else to please others in order to, in your head, become a perfect version of yourself and stop being insecure. But, of course, it’s pure nonsense.

It takes work, but I believe I’m on the right path now. Because I realize now that whatever surrounds you is ultimately a reflection of what you have inside. And it’s a lot of work you have to do on yourself if you want to be happy, but I’m on it and I want to win.

One thing I decided to do for myself since a good good while ago is getting rid of anything that makes me unhappy. It might sound cheesy, it might sound like a very cliché thing that any other white and blond girl could tweet about, but it’s the truth. Sometimes I don’t have a plan. I just do what makes me feel good and I don’t overthink it. I try to get rid of negative people and surround myself with people who bring the best out of me, always. As human beings, as my friend Jade says, we’re all grey. We’re grey because no one is completely good or bad. As I learned in Forrest Gump, the only people who are that good, genuine, and generous, are the ones who are mentally challenged, like Forrest was. All of us have good and bad within us. The key is to surround ourselves with people who will make us shine, who’ll make us believe in ourselves and our abilities. Throw out the negativity in your life. Throw it out, don’t even think about it, don’t talk about it.

Free yourself from negative people. - Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded. Relationships should help you, not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you - people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. When you free yourself from negative people, you free yourself to be YOU - and being YOU is the only way to truly live.

Do what makes you awesome, do what you love. Take time for yourself and do things that feed your soul and make your eyes shine. Be selfish with your passions, dedicate yourself to what sets your soul on fire. Don’t waste time at a job that you hate. There are a billion jobs. Find what you love and work for it. Believe with every fiber in your body that you can do it. You can.

These are your selfish years. It’s a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time. And all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground. - Kyoko Escamilla

But most importantly, be real. Be honest. Be the kind of person that doesn’t need to seek approval from people. You hate red crop tops or high heels? Don’t wear them just to make other people happy. I am 5’2 and 120 pounds and I wear men’s apparel and oversized stuff. I feel comfortable. I feel good and I feel myself. I feel a hundred times sexier with a large 5$ t-shirt bought at a thrift shop than I do with a little dress on and high heels. I hate high heels, my flat feet hurt. I love black gangsta rap and hip hop although I’m the whitest girl ever and I look ridiculous... and who cares. I hate cilantro and I’m not going to eat it to be polite or please anyone. I spent months in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. I was actually in two of those. One when I was 17 and one when I was 24. I was trying to become that perfect girlfriend that guy wanted to be with and I was losing myself. At the age of 18, when I was still with that guy, I lost 7 kilos. I threw out all of my shorts and revealing clothes because he didn’t want me to wear them. When I was 24, and I was with my ex-boyfriend, I convinced myself that I had to lie about myself and my past, change my way of expressing myself, and build a whole new image of myself because deep down I knew that he was way too close-minded and sexist to accept certain things about me. I’d see it in his looks and I’d hear it in his insults and instead of running away from it, I let him break my confidence even more. I look back and I feel so silly, and the more I was a phony, the more I was lying to myself, the more I was feeling unhappy. Because as cheesy as it sounds, the closest people in your life should love you for who you are. For the real beauty inside and outside of you, not for things you made up about yourself.

I’ve met so many people who pretend to love things they hate just to please others and feel part of something, something that is not even real. I’ve met so many girls who use their naked bodies to get 5 minutes of attention and they don’t realize that what is actually attractive is their brains and their souls, and that’s what people fall in love with.

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.” - Meryl Streep

"You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance – you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go." — Danielle Koepke

It’s a lot of work, and it takes time and a lot of patience and love in your heart, a lot of hot tea or coffee, good music, scented candles, naps, walks, and whatever makes you happy, but we’re all gonna get there one day.

My way of dealing with my insecurities, the physical ones and the psychological ones - thinking I’m not good enough - is to surround myself with people who bring the good out in me. To do what I love, and to love. To open my heart and not be afraid. Because out of all the people I met in all the countries I’ve been to, I’ve met some incredible people from all walks of life. So I’m not going to shut my heart down and shrink into myself, because I’m surrounded by beauty and awesomeness and inspiration everywhere I go.

I decided for myself that I accept my insecurities and the dark sides of me, but I decide not to be a victim about them. I want to grow as a person and in order to do so I’m not going to have a job that doesn’t please me, I’m not going to spend my afternoons or nights with people that make me negative, and I’m not going to do things to please others for 5 minutes and not get any (probably dishonest anyways) negative feedback.

I want to say yes to things that scare me (please watch this TED talk by Shonda Rhimes, my idol) and I want to live. Just live.

And most of all, as a woman, as a human being, I don’t want to turn heads. I want to turn souls.

I don’t care and I don’t want to care about other people’s opinion about me, because guess what, you can spend your whole life wasting time on that crap, but people will judge and mock and spit poison anyways. I want to be inspired and to inspire.

Do what you love, care about things that matter, while keeping your promises, being completely honest and loving from all of your heart. 

[rxbxlcaptain]

Divergent

Summary: When I took my aptitude test, which suggests which of the five factions – Amity, the kind; Erudite, the intelligent, Candor, the honest; Abnegation, the selfless; or Dauntless, the brave – we’re most suited for, it came back with two results. I'm Divergent,  an anomaly that could mean death, according to the Dauntless man who administered my test. 

Author’s Note: The lovely @strong-bottle-of-jyn and I fell into a series of headcanons about the Rogue One crew in the novel Divergent. Add in one amazing aesthetic, and this fic was born! I blame this fic being in first person (something I have not written in for years) on the fact that I reread sections of the original before writing this. And, as always, my work would not be nearly as good with @wearesuchstuff1‘s amazing beta work.

Words: 3835

AO3 / Below the Cut!

My father is leading the Choosing Ceremony this year. I don’t know if I’m lucky or not. On one hand, it’ll be a familiar, loving voice who calls my name and asks me to choose my future faction. But on the other hand, I know – and I think he does, too – that I’m leaving him. Today, I’ll choose to move away from Erudite – the faction where my parents met and fell in love and the faction where my father raised me after my mother’s death – and choose my own path. By having my father up on the stage there will be no way for me to avoid his reaction. I’ll see his eyes, no matter if they are heartbroken or content or otherwise, and know that I’m taking the last member of his family away from him.

But Galen Erso is the head of Erudite for a reason. His IQ, of course, is the highest of all the faction members, but has the gift of understanding people as well. Especially me. As I take my place among the other sixteen-year-olds, he comes to me and grabs my hand.

“Whatever choice you make,” he says, “If you’re happy, Jyn, then that’s more than enough.”

I nod and bite my lip. Tears gather at the edges of my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. Papa reaches a hand up to touch my cheek, and I can barely stand to meet his eyes. How could I do this to him? How could I take away the last piece of his family?

“Your mother would be proud of you, Stardust,” he assures me before walking to the front of the stage. He waits until everyone is seated and quiet before beginning his speech. I barely hear his explanation of our society’s history or the values of the five factions – Amity, the kind; Erudite, the intelligent, Candor, the honest; Abnegation, the selfless; and Dauntless, the brave.

He doesn’t mention the other group in our society, the group that, for reasons I may never understand, I fall into.

The Divergent.

Yesterday – and it seems so strange to me that this life changing news came only twenty-four hours ago, when it feels like it’s been weighing on my mind for decades – I took my aptitude test.

The test, designed by the government and administered to every sixteen-year-old, suggests which of the five factions we’re most suited for.

Mine came back with two results, an anomaly that could mean death, according to the Dauntless man who administered my test.

I look to Erudite, the first faction I showed an aptitude for. Men and women sit with their backs straight and legs neatly crossed. Each member wears blue somewhere in their outfit to encourage calmness and clarity of mind. Their hairstyles are neat and practical, buzzcuts and buns that could transition into work in a lab or in a library easily. I was raised among these people; I know them and their daily routine. It’s comfortable, perhaps, but slightly stifling.

Next, I shift my eyes to Dauntless, my other possible faction. They’re a hoard of black shirts and leather jackets, pierced ears and tattooed skin. They smirk at each other as Papa mentions them, and a few whoop in pride. The women’s hair tumble wildly over their shoulders and the men, too, allow long hair to fall into their eyes. I’ve watched these people from afar for years, watching the students toss paper back and forth in the lunchroom at school or seeing the Dauntless guards patrol the city, guns in hand. They’re a great unknown, but there’s a freedom there that’s always fascinated me.

The aptitude test says I could join either of these factions, but I know this is the faction I want to join. I want to line my eyes with kohl, like the other Dauntless girls I’ve seen, and feel the sheer exhilaration of jumping on and off trains. I want to be free to shout my excitement and argue, not with facts and explanations like in Erudite, but with my fists and harsh words.

I steel my resolve as my father begins calling the names of my peers. One by one, each sixteen-year-old will approach the front of the stage and accept a knife from my father, then, with drops of their blood, they’ll show the faction they’ve decided to join.

Their blood will fall into a bowl of soil if they choose Amity, water if they choose Erudite, glass if they choose Candor, gray stone if they choose Abnegation, and lit coals if they choose Dauntless.

As my father calls, “Jyn Erso!” I walk towards him. He nods slightly and, with knowing eyes, inclines his head towards, not the bowl filled with water and blood, but the bowl where flames dance and jump with the same energy of their faction members.

If you’re happy, Jyn, then that’s more than enough.

Your mother would be proud of you.

His nod, like his earlier words, are one final blessing, an acceptance that I won’t be staying with him.

With a nod of my own, I drag the knife across my palm, and watch as the drops of my blood sizzle against the coals.

Bodhi stares at his hands, at the bruised and bloody knuckles – his opponent’s, not his – with shock and regret in his eyes. He did exactly as we were instructed, exactly what I had been practicing with him; he punched and kicked and fought until another initiate fell unconscious. But he spent sixteen years of his life in Amity, and their kindness still runs through his veins, no matter if he’s exchanged their bright clothes for the blacks of Dauntless.

“This isn’t bravery! This is—this is cruelty!” Bodhi hisses, and I elbow him in the side to quiet him.

He’s right, of course; forcing the initiates to fight each other until one cannot continue – Where’s the bravery in that? Dauntless leaders don’t want to hear that, though. Any negative remarks about their training style is seen as an offense against the faction we’ve chosen, and disloyalty leads to the worst punishment anyone in our society can think of: being kicked out of Dauntless to live factionless.

For most of us, that fate is considered worse than death.

I cast a glance over to our instructor, Cassian. He stands against the wall focused intently on the current fight between Luke Skywalker and Wedge Antilles, arms crossed and face blank. His traditional stance while we beat each other senseless to prove ourselves worthy. Luckily, only he’s in the training room today, and he wouldn’t bat an eyelash at Bodhi’s remark. If Krennic, one of Dauntless’s leaders who oversaw training when it suited his fancy, heard what Bodhi said, I’d be worried. But Cassian has complained about the fights to Krennic himself, so I know he won’t report Bodhi’s comment.

He’s different from the other members of Dauntless, especially from the leaders. Most people around the faction have faces full of tattoos and piercings, half their head shaved or maybe dyed unnatural colors, but not Cassian. His hair is long enough to fall into his eyes, but it’s just slightly untidy and a natural brown. Definitely not the rebellious looks I’ve come to associate with the Dauntless.

His demeanor, too, is different from the others. From the way Krennic talks, Cassian turned down a position in leadership, the desired job for faction members. When Cassian demonstrated fighting techniques and how to fire a gun or throw a knife, he did so with immaculate precision and a sort of respect for the power he held. Where Krennic demands the fights end when one person cannot continue, Cassian respects our right to concede a fight.

“A brave man acknowledges the strength of others,” he’d said.

Krennic had snorted in reply. “A brave man never surrenders.”

They are two kinds of Dauntless, I realize. Krennic, the ruthless, and Cassian, the honorable.

The fight in the ring ends with Wedge landing a solid hit on Luke’s jaw. Luke goes limp and falls backward, but Wedge catches him before he hits the ground.

“Jyn and Kes,” Cassian calls. “You’re up next.”

As I walk to the ring, we lock eyes. There’s emotions swirling in the depths of his brown eyes that I can’t quite decipher, but it’s a reminder that there’s much more to this man than the stoic face he presents to us. He points his chin towards the ring, where Kes is waiting, jumping around and stretching his arms, and gives me a small smile – nothing more than the corner of his lips curling upward.

I push it to the back of my mind as Kes and I circle around each other and focus instead on Kes’s quick remarks and quicker punches.

Unfortunately, at dinner that night, Kes – still smarting from losing to me earlier in the day and desperate to discuss anything else – mentions Cassian again.

“Where do you think he grew up?” Kes asks, nodding towards where Cassian sits by himself, mindlessly shoving forkfuls of pasta into his mouth, his attention focused on a book in front of him.

“He’s smart. Do you remember him in Erudite?”

I shake my head. “I would remember him.”

Kes smirks at me and I can guess how he interpreted my words. Thankfully, Bodhi, who seemed oblivious to the double meaning behind my words, speaks before Kes can. “I don’t remember him in Amity either. Maybe he’s a Dauntless born.”

“No,” I say, thinking of how he was alone – like me – on Visiting Day, while the other Dauntless gathered with their families. “No, he definitely transferred. It makes sense that a faction transfer would be in charge of the incoming faction transfers.”

“Don’t get too Erudite on us poor Amity transfers,” Kes snorts. “But, fine, what faction are you betting on, Miss Smarty Pants?”

I think over the remaining two options: Abnegation and Candor. Cassian does shy away from the spotlight, like someone raised to value selflessness would do, but a memory of my first day of training comes to mind.

“You’re nervous,” Cassian had said as he handed me a gun.

I’d stuck my chin up, defiant, and disagreed.

“That’s how I know,” he’d assured me. “Keep your hands still while you’re lying if you want to make it believable.”

“Candor,” I say, and the answer feels right on my tongue. “I bet Cassian grew up in Candor.”

“No Candor knows how to stay as quiet as he does,” Kes argued back. “He definitely grew up in Abnegation.”

I stand and push away from the table, filled once again with the rush of defiance I felt when Cassian accused me of being nervous with the gun. “Why don’t I ask him myself? I’ll prove you both wrong,” I say and head towards Cassian’s table.

I plop down in the seat across from him, and Cassian doesn’t even flinch, just casually glances up and raises an eyebrow.

“My friends and I,” I begin, but he cuts me off before I can get any further.

“Were discussing–very loudly, by the way–what faction I grew up in,” he says, eyes turning back to his book.

I sit silently for a moment. If he knew what we were discussing, then he knows I want him to settle the debate. His eyes don’t return to mine, nor does he acknowledge my presence. He simply continues eating and reading.

“Hey,” I say, and lean over to take his book away from him. “I grew up in Erudite and when I was never this attached to a book.”

He sighs. “Maybe I don’t want to tell you. Have you considered that?”

“Maybe,” I shrug. “But at this point it’s personal, because I need to be right and I need Kes to be wrong.”

He laughs then, a much louder sound than I’ve ever heard him make before. With a slight shake of his head, he leans forward. I match him, until our faces are only inches apart.

“You’re in luck, Jyn,” he whispers with a smirk. “Because I did grow up in Candor.” He leans back, then, and his eyes grow serious. “But I suggest you forget about where you or anyone else came from. You’re here now, and that’s most important.”

I shake my head, amazed at how quickly he transitioned back into my instructor when, for a moment, I thought he could be a friend.

“Yes, sir.” I give a sarcastic two-fingered salute and start to get up from his table. He stops me by grabbing my wrist.

“I mean it, Jyn,” he says, his voice insistent, his eyes boring into mine. “The leaders take faction before blood seriously here.”

Krennic had warned us as much on Visiting Day.

“I don’t need you to protect me.”

He releases my wrist, a small smile on his face, as he answers, “I know.”

Darkness engulfs the room except for one place on the far wall where a spotlight shines on two figures. Their heads face down, away from me, so I don’t recognize them. Curious to see who these people are – or, really, why they would be starring as one of my greatest fears – I walk forward.

Or, at least, I try.

If I attempt to move my foot forward or lean my chest away from the wall, I’m pulled back, like an invisible rubber band is keeping me to the wall, away from the other prisoners.

I’m still struggling to move forward when a gun cocks beside my head. Two rifles, one on either side of me, stick out from the wall, their barrels pointed, not at me, but at the couple on the other side of the room. Pin pricks of red light shine on their heads. The couple, moving in sync, lifts their heads. With a strangled gasp, I recognize them.

My parents.

Lyra Erso, whose face I hadn’t seen since I was a child, but whose eyes I would recognize anywhere. Galen, who assured me he loved me no matter what before my Choosing Ceremony and whose name headlines the newspaper these days, inspiring great Erudite pride or vicious suspicion. And now targets rest on their heads, and I am powerless to stop it.

My heart pounds in my ears and I struggle harder against the bonds. Logically, I know they’re not real. They’re not in any danger. We buried my mother years ago and my father is secure in his labs at Erudite headquarters. This isn’t the first time I’ve been in a simulation forcing my worst fears upon me, I remind myself, and I’ve handled them before. All I need to do is calm down and this is gone. Close my eyes and focus on my breathing and calming my racing heart.

But none of the other simulations have been this personal. They’ve been child’s play compared to this: drowning and a loss of control. The simulation found my worst fear to shove at me today, something profoundly personal.

I can’t stand to see my parents like this; I cannot let them die for me.

“Ready!” A voice, harsh and almost mechanical, calls from beside my head, and the guns shift, snapping into position.

“Jyn,” my mother cries, and I don’t ever remember hearing her voice so helpless, “Jyn, help us, please!”

Growls escape my throat as I do everything I can to get away from the wall; I’m punching backwards, clawing at the cement behind me, but I go nowhere, only pulling away bloody and bruised hands.

“Aim!” I picture the sniper’s fingers poised above the trigger of the gun, just as I’ve been trained.

“Stardust, do something!” My father snaps, and I see him struggling against bonds as well.

I forget what I’m doing, I forget that this is a simulation where I need to calm myself down. All I know is I need to save them; I can’t live with their blood on my hands, the guilt of their deaths on my conscience. With one last desperate shove against the wall, I shove my way forward and, by some miracle, I move.

I sprint across the room to my parents, begging to get there before the bullets do, ready and willing to do anything to save them.

I hear the mechanical voice behind me ordering, “Fire!” but before I see bullets racing towards my parents, before I know if I’m successful at saving them, my eyes snap open.

I’m back in the metal chair, in the dark room where I received the serum. From the computer in the corner, I see Cassian look up. Traditionally, his face is passive when I finish the simulations. He’ll give me a curt nod and report how long it took me to calm myself down before sending me on my way, but not today. He stares, his eyes wide with emotion. (Panic? Fury? Anger? I can never tell.)

“How’d you do that?” he demands. “How did you get away from the wall?”

I scowl at him. “I found a solution to my fear. That’s the point of these simulations, isn’t it? Learning how to work through your fear?”

“Yes,” he snaps, sounding thoroughly frustrated. “Yes, but…”

Instead of finishing his sentence, he grabs my elbow and pulls me from the room. I jerk my arm back, attempting to get away, but his hold his tight. He doesn’t let me go until we’re in the middle of the hallway, away from the simulation room but still a safe distance from the traffic of the rest of Dauntless headquarters.

“You’re Divergent,” he says and fear shoots through me at the accusation. I don’t know what I did, how I tipped him off, but I need to cover my tracks and pull his suspicion away from me.

How many times has Cassian laughed over my obvious tells and explained in the experienced knowledge only a former Candor has that he always knows when I’m lying?

If I can fool Cassian Andor with a lie only once in my life, this needs to be the moment.

“What’s Divergent?” I ask. My tone is snarky, biting, as he would expect it to be. I keep eye contact with him and hold my hands still at my side.

He snorts at my attempt to lie and leans close as he speaks, quickly and quietly. “You should have gone to Candor, Erso, with those lying skills. You manipulated the simulation. Only a Divergent can do that.” He throws a glance over his shoulder, but we’re still alone. “I’ll delete that footage, but you need to learn to control it.”

His eyes meet mine and I’m suddenly struck by how close he’s standing, how, when he speaks, I can feel his breath on my face.

“Otherwise,” he continues, his dark eyes serious, “that’ll be you in front of a firing squad, not your parents.”

I wait in the Pit that night, staring up at the glass walkways overhead. I hadn’t been able to focus on my dinner or even the chocolate cake Kes found for dessert. The sight of my parents with rifles trained on them bothered me, yes, but it’s how easily Cassian knew I was Divergent that bothers me more.

After we finished dinner, I waved Kes and Bodhi away, saying I wanted some time to myself. Neither of them noticed my lie – I’m certain Cassian would have noticed the it – and they wandered away, discussing visiting the blind man and his husband at the tattoo parlor again, or perhaps finding the pretty girl Kes had set his eyes on.

Now, I wait for Cassian to appear. Half an hour passes before I see him, mercifully alone, walking across the Pit towards where the member’s dormitories. I jog to catch up with him, falling into his stride easily, ignoring the way his long legs cover much more ground than mine in each step. He stays silent, but his shoulders tense. He knows what I’m here for.

“How’d you know?” I demand without preamble.

Cassian grabs hold of my arm and pulls me down a side hallway with little traffic. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he growls, his voice low.

I stand my ground. “I need to control it, you said. Okay,” I cross my arms as I talk. “Then teach me how.”

Cassian casts a frantic look towards one of the blue lights illuminating the hallway. Without another word, he puts his hand on the small of my back and pushes me forward. To my surprise, we head back towards the Pit where crowds of people meander around, leaving dinner or visiting the shops or chatting with each other. Cassian directs me past the Pit to the chasm that runs through the middle of Dauntless headquarters. He glances subtly over his shoulder before heading towards a stone staircase leading into the depths and closer to the rushing river. He moves in front of me, shifting his hand from my back and down my arm until he grabs my hand. We stay silent as we descend and as we climb over the rough and jagged rocks. The roaring of the river fills my ears and silences the bustle of life above us.

If there was a place in the Dauntless compound to discuss a secret, this would be it.

Cassian settles onto one of the rocks on the edge of the water, dangling his feet just above the rushing waves. I wait this time, determined that he’ll start this conversation, not me.

“I know,” he begins, and it’s the most vulnerable I’ve heard his voice. “I know because I had to learn to control it, too.”

He won’t say the word. Divergent . He’s been hiding this for years; silence is too ingrained in him for him to risk it.

“I don’t understand what makes it dangerous,” I admit, staring out across the water. “I can change the simulation. So what?”

Cassian shakes his head, a grim smile turning his lips. “It means you’re different,” he says, “And there’s nothing our leaders hate more than those who won’t conform.”

“Shame,” I smirk, as if we’re not discussing a matter that is literally life and death. “I’ve always been a fan of rebellion.”

“Trust me,” Cassian says, turning his gaze to my face. His eyes are lighter than normal, and I have the strange urge to call them hopeful . “I’ve noticed.”

He reaches one hand up, hesitant, to where a strand of my hair has fallen out of its bun and brushes it behind my ear. His hand lingers on my neck as he says, “But I need you to stay safe.”

“Why?” I challenge, leaning closer to him. “Why do you care about the fate of some poor Erudite transfer?”

For an answer, he leans forward and presses his lips to mine, his hand gently caressing the side of my neck.

“Good enough?” He whispers as he pulls back, and I answer with a kiss of my own.

[moonparrot]

Sun signs (part 1)

So I made posts about Moon and rising signs and now it’s time to talk about the Sun. There’re four types of each sun sign, so that’s the reason why many people can’t relate any description of their “zodiac sign” from the Internet :)

Aries Sun:

Aries with strong Taurus: calm and reserved; selfish and need lots of compliments; loyal, but capricious; gourmet and aesthet

Aries with strong Pisces: introverted or just shy; always help others; grumble a lot but almost never raise their voice; dreamy and artistic

Undeveloped Aries: yelling for no reasons; easy to get angry; think they’re the best and always right; don’t take other’s opinions; don’t think before doing things, so often it puts them in troubles

Pure Aries: real leaders; know how to control their emotions; communicative; respect other’s opinions; activists; funny; role models

Taurus Sun:

Taurus with strong Aries: a sporty guy; yells too much; tries to control everything and everyone; hard to make a long lasting relationship

Taurus with Strong Gemini: always jokes around; free spirited; has a dozen of friends; creative and smart

Undeveloped Taurus: too lazy to do anything; love themselves too much or the other way round; never say “no” to their desires; waste own life in front of tv, computer etc; stubborn

Pure Taurus: a family guy; helps everyone; will swim across the sea but reach his/her goals; very attractive; life full of obstacles will make you a strong person

Gemini Sun:

Gemini with strong Taurus: ignore the whole world; care about their family; but don’t give a f about other people; good at cooking; slow reaction

Gemini with strong Cancer: polite and loving person; good at hand making and cooking; very traditional; naturally kind

Undeveloped Gemini: gossiping a lot; judge and doubt everything; don’t care about other’s feelings; fake their personalities; try to process all the information but instead barely can handle the basics

Pure Gemini: erudite and resourceful; friendly and talkative; the most funny people I’ve ever met were this type of Gems; have an easy attitude toward life and that’s the reason why they never concentrate on other’s behavior or sad situations

Cancer Sun:

Cancer with strong Gemini: talkative and energetic; often start to talk about their private life to a group of strangers; clumsy

Cancer with strong Leo: never go outside with no makeup on; can’t stop talking about themselves; judgmental about all those who are not “like everybody else”

Undeveloped Cancer: hide from this world in their hoodies; easy to get offenced; don’t let people become a part of their comfort zone; a cat is their bestie

Pure Cancer: kindness is their synonym; help people and animals in need; not a talkative type but when they do they can make you believe in yourself; loyal and honest

Leo Sun:

Leo with strong Cancer: shy and quite; sometimes have a low self-esteem; very sensitive; want to help everybody around

Leo with strong Virgo: very smart and analyzing; have a serious attitude toward life; might be rude to people

Undeveloped Leo: as one my Leo teacher said: “I have a noble blood running in my veins, so all of you should respect me. Remember your parents are just a working class and that is why you can not be rude to me”

Pure Leo: if you’re this type I love you already💕; they’re literally always the centres because of their charisma, kindness and good attitude toward others; treat everybody like they want to be treated; help this Leo once and he/she will never forget it

Virgo Sun:

Virgo with strong Leo: do you know those bitchy girls with fake lips? It’s this type of Virgo; think they’re the best creatures in the world, so no one can compares to them

Virgo with strong Libra: funny, cute and outgoing; chatterbox of the group; love to hang out with friends; nice and friendly appearance

Undeveloped Virgo: criticize everything around; always correct people if they are wrong and explain what exactly their problem is; too much of their opinions

Pure Virgo: think twice before saying or doing anything; have you ever seen Scooby-Doo? There’s Velma who is a perfect example of this type; smart af; they’re like walking Google

P. S. Not everybody has their Sun turning on 🙃 people who do not love/believe in themselves and think “their life is meant to be like that” automatically turn off their Sun sign 😔 if any of this description didn’t suit you, your Sun sign is turned off so you need to develop it :)

[wtfzodiacsigns]

Sun signs (part 1)

Aries Sun:

Aries with strong Taurus: calm and reserved; selfish and need lots of compliments; loyal, but capricious; gourmet and aesthet

Aries with strong Pisces: introverted or just shy; always help others; grumble a lot but almost never raise their voice; dreamy and artistic

Undeveloped Aries: yelling for no reasons; easy to get angry; think they’re the best and always right; don’t take other’s opinions; don’t think before doing things, so often it puts them in troubles

Pure Aries: real leaders; know how to control their emotions; communicative; respect other’s opinions; activists; funny; role models

Taurus Sun:

Taurus with strong Aries: a sporty guy; yells too much; tries to control everything and everyone; hard to make a long lasting relationship

Taurus with Strong Gemini: always jokes around; free spirited; has a dozen of friends; creative and smart

Undeveloped Taurus: too lazy to do anything; love themselves too much or the other way round; never say “no” to their desires; waste own life in front of tv, computer etc; stubborn

Pure Taurus: a family guy; helps everyone; will swim across the sea but reach his/her goals; very attractive; life full of obstacles will make you a strong person

Gemini Sun:

Gemini with strong Taurus: ignore the whole world; care about their family; but don’t give a f about other people; good at cooking; slow reaction

Gemini with strong Cancer: polite and loving person; good at hand making and cooking; very traditional; naturally kind

Undeveloped Gemini: gossiping a lot; judge and doubt everything; don’t care about other’s feelings; fake their personalities; try to process all the information but instead barely can handle the basics

Pure Gemini: erudite and resourceful; friendly and talkative; the most funny people I’ve ever met were this type of Gems; have an easy attitude toward life and that’s the reason why they never concentrate on other’s behavior or sad situations

Cancer Sun:

Cancer with strong Gemini: talkative and energetic; often start to talk about their private life to a group of strangers; clumsy

Cancer with strong Leo: never go outside with no makeup on; can’t stop talking about themselves; judgmental about all those who are not “like everybody else”

Undeveloped Cancer: hide from this world in their hoodies; easy to get offenced; don’t let people become a part of their comfort zone; a cat is their bestie

Pure Cancer: kindness is their synonym; help people and animals in need; not a talkative type but when they do they can make you believe in yourself; loyal and honest

Leo Sun:

Leo with strong Cancer: shy and quite; sometimes have a low self-esteem; very sensitive; want to help everybody around

Leo with strong Virgo: very smart and analyzing; have a serious attitude toward life; might be rude to people

Undeveloped Leo: as one my Leo teacher said: “I have a noble blood running in my veins, so all of you should respect me. Remember your parents are just a working class and that is why you can not be rude to me”

Pure Leo: if you’re this type I love you already💕; they’re literally always the centres because of their charisma, kindness and good attitude toward others; treat everybody like they want to be treated; help this Leo once and he/she will never forget it

Virgo Sun:

Virgo with strong Leo: do you know those bitchy girls with fake lips? It’s this type of Virgo; think they’re the best creatures in the world, so no one can compares to them

Virgo with strong Libra: funny, cute and outgoing; chatterbox of the group; love to hang out with friends; nice and friendly appearance

Undeveloped Virgo: criticize everything around; always correct people if they are wrong and explain what exactly their problem is; too much of their opinions

Pure Virgo: think twice before saying or doing anything; have you ever seen Scooby-Doo? There’s Velma who is a perfect example of this type; smart af; they’re like walking Google

P. S. Not everybody has their Sun turning on 🙃 people who do not love/believe in themselves and think “their life is meant to be like that” automatically turn off their Sun sign 😔 if any of this description didn’t suit you, your Sun sign is turned off so you need to develop it :)

Source: moonparrot