#I just need to see my kids together okay
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Hey guess what? I wanna start another art project again
#personal*#jess talks#I have so many things I’m working on rn#yet I’m like ‘Tehe let’s do another’#I’m craving more otp art😭#except this time I want it to be full body full colour anime couples#just being themselves#like Levi walking down the street while margot skips#dabi lighting rins cigarette for her#nanami carrying saekas stuff as she looks at her new purchase cus he’s pure af#Rin holding mineyos hand through a crowd#shit like that#just soft stuff#and those sketches have me CRAVING#I just need to see my kids together okay#meanwhile I’m working on a v cute chibi series that I’ll hopefully finish soon#(maybe? probably? most likely not)
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I haven't drawn Floyd that much take some warmups
#rainyart#trolls#trolls branch#trolls floyd#trolls band together#ceo of drawing things a million people probably have but IDFC!!!! the song literally came into my shuffle as i was drawing the first slide#AND IT HURT REAL GOOD SO I HAD TO OKAY#i have so many thoughts about floyd i kinda tried to convey the vibe of a fucking 10-12 year old kid whos grown up in a very very fucking#disfunctional household who knows he's doing a really horrible thing but he is just SO fucking tired. SO tired and needs to get away#and man i GET IT okay. i get it. why wouldnt he wanna get away okay! of COURSE he would wanna get out and establish himself/figure out who#he is outside of a group! without a label to define how he acts!#oh my fucking GODDDD#but my boy..... branch.... branch!!!!!1! 😭😭😭💔💔💔#anyways anyways anyways. yap sesh over ill see you all next time teehee 😁💥 *kicks my feet*#if u read all that. we r kissing
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I need to draw Booigi real soon, the lack of them is making me itchy
#kelperambles#uhhh pic is unrelated but I thought the paper luigi was cute 💖#anyways I just wanted to ramble about how much I love booigi LMAO#but like I need the very specific type of booigi that has been rotting in my brain in order to be satisfied#OKAY OKAY. picture this: Names are such an important thing to Luigi. Many people don’t tend to remember the bare minimum about him#so he really appreciates the few people who take enough time to remember his actual name or small things about him#then when King Boo pulls up he’s literally yelling Luigi’s name and cursing him out#sure while Luigi is still scared of him he can’t help but feel flattered that King Boo subconsciously respects him enough to call him Luigi#not green mario. not the man in green. just him…truly him.#and while Luigi might not want an designated enemy (like what Mario and bowser have)#the fact that king boo believes that Luigi is significant enough to be his enemy is something Luigi cannot ignore#King Boo acknowledges Luigi for his strengths in his weird theater kid way#but I can really see them growing closer together once Luigi discovers that King Boos plays everything up just to be DRAMATIC ✨✨#king boo WANTS luigi to react. and if he doesn’t get that he more or less just lets go of the act#like what’s the point of setting everything up if Luigi’s not even going to match his high energy?#honestly they just need to both RELAX for a second and they would really hit it off#it’s actually embarrassing. they’re so embarrassing.
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there’s a sort of clawing desperation that rips you up from the insides when you’re trying to be an adult and have your own life but then the very same people who are telling you to do just that continue to treat and berate you like a child and refuse to see you as a person with adult concerns and needs and you are left trying to juggle these two selves that they want to exist as one but only if both halves are agreeable to them and follow orders but they also throw it in your face that’s you need to make your “own decisions” and i want to throw up :)
#mj.chatter#personal#like yeah id love to travel and see my family but i just took time off in the summer and my mom insisted on coming to see me instead#of me going home and it was fun and nice but now she wants me to take MORE time off in september to go see everyone#and like i don’t think she understands i need to work? and i want to try to work on my second career more in the fall as well?? and taking#an entire week off isn’t something that’s like great for me to do#and like it should be okay with work but at the same time management has been so awful lately that i don’t know#and when i tried to express that she got upset with me#and said that it’s all on me now#but she very clearly wants me to do what she wants me to do#and she keeps telling me that i should be excited she’s offering to buy a ticket for me#but really i just feel sick#like i wish i could be just excited but she has turned this into the most stressful situation possible#and wants me to be the good kid and just say okay#but whenever i push back it’s suddenly all my fault cause im the adult and need to get my shit together
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Anyways. Wukong was WAY too chill with MK being a Moneky. Just like "Yeah hahaha we're both monkies! Isn't that so cool!" the whole entire special. LIKE NO. THAT'S NOT COOL. YOU SO CLEARLY KNEW ABOUT THIS
#''He literally never listens!'' ''That's just how we roll.'' SUN WUKONG I WILL CHOKE YOU MYSELF#LIKE YOU LOVE HIM SO MUCH.#AND YOU ALSO HAVE A TRACK RECORD OF HURTING THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE.#AND I'M WORRIED OKAY#YOU WERE INVOLVED IN MK'S CREATION I KNOW YOU WERE.#Or like. MK's imprisonment should my sweet beloved eldritch abomination theory come true.#BECAUSE. THEN MK IS JUST LIKE WUKONG RIGHT#THEY BOTH CHANGED#BUT THAT REVEAL IS ALSO GOING TO HURT EVERYONE MAN#And I get Wukong wanting to protect MK from this part if himself. From his past#And MK probably doesn't even want to know.#But he has to.#He needs to know.#And he needs to accept it. Otherwise he'll destroy himself and those around him#And I just need Wukong to lie to MK one more time alright. Really bring it all together. 👍#MK by no means accepted Wukong's past. He was so deep into the binary of ''good guy'' and ''bad guy'' to see that they're all just guys#AND I'M GOING CRAZY#lmk#lego monkie kid#lmk rant#imp tag
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show tempe gang crossover with the morris islanders would actually have been the best episode of bones ever. btw
#please ignore the rest of the tags i will just be making things up#okay they start out in carolina but at least half the episode takes place in dc. do not ask me how travel logistics would work#tory spends the entire episode off with tempe doing bone stuff. booth feels upstaged by a 16-year-old girl#so he goes and hangs out with ben who does NOT trust him right off the bat#ben ends up having to run him over to liri at some point because there's crime afoot and tom is busy. they spend most of the ride in silenc#ofc they end up bonding Eventually because they are both obsessed with crazy emotionally stunted redheads named t brennan#tory is more effective than any of the squinterns and manages to piss hodgins off so bad just by existing#coop hangs out in the lab as saroyan tries to kick him out thirty times. he just keeps showing up and she can't prove who's letting him in#(it's tempe.) angela loves tory but tory does not love angela back. saroyan tolerates her. sweets likes her but knows she's hiding somethin#comes to the conclusion that she can read her friends minds and slowly drives himself crazy because obviously that can't be true#tory brings hi along whenever she needs someone with people skills and he is MORE than happy to participate in a hodgins experiment#hi gets to be king of the lab for about ten minutes. shelton hits it off with angela immediately and they solve half the case together#booth fucking HATES hi because he's evasive and really good at the manipulation thing. booth can't win verbal sparring and he gets Big Mad#at one point the four of them are in an interrogation room together (MISTAKE) because tory had them meddling a little too close to the sun#and booth is trying so hard to question them which didn't work even when they COULDN'T read each other's minds#tory figures out who did it and hi steals her thunder a la shrek wasnt vandalized he gave birth#temperance tells tory 'i know you've got a secret sweets told me and even though i don't trust psychology i find he's insightful' etc etc#tory's like well i might be but i can't tell you it's not just my secret and you wouldn't believe me anyway#because let's be real tempe WOULDNT believe her#meanwhile saroyan convinced by sweets paranoia managed to get a sample of tory's blood and test it and is like HEY WHAT THE FUCK#gets hodgins and they just stare at the results together and delve into conspiracy theories. he's like i KNEW there were werewolves#they debate telling tempe but know it wouldnt end well for the kids and decide to get rid of the evidence. but hodgins is SO smug#also angela spends the whole episode trying to convince everyone hi and shelton are dating and no one believes her#they finally see them kiss or something and they're all somehow floored and angela's just like yeah? duh?#if anyone read this i'm sorry and why
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been listening to lay me down since last night, thinking and crying about kaishin, and earlier today i found a sam smith and ben platt duet version of it and it made it all the more kaishin to me i can't stop listening to it im going so insane maybe i should just make a list of kaishin fics that made me feel like lay me down actually ✋😔
#it's so bad i keep playing it and singing it and thinking about kaishin yearning and pining wow FUCK#i need to exercise this out of my system somehow it's got me in a chokehold#LOOK OKAY SO WHEN YOU LISTEN TO THE SAM SMITH AND BEN PLATT VERSION RIGHT#IT MAKES ME INSANEEEE#so the starting verses where sam sings that's shinichi's pov like he's basically yearning to be by kid's side right likeeee#at first hes even hopeful that he will but by the end of it he's lost all hope maybe and gives up#cos kid probably disappearee on him or something idk theyre being dumb and in love!!!!!#and when ben's verse comes in it's kaito calling out to shinichi basically wanting the same thing#but he was stupid and scared but he's always wanted it too and#idk idk all i know is that when sam and ben sing the chorus together for the first time i fucking DIE and thats basically kaishin just#pining and yearning wanting to be together likeeeee#requited unrequited love cause theyre stupid and scared and insecure#BUT WHEN THEY SING THE LAST YCJING CHORUS AFTER THE BUILD UP OF THE BRIDGE OF THE SONG LIKEEEE#OH MY GODDDDD I SWEAR I CRY EVERY TIMEEEE#THATS WHEN KAISHIN ACTUALLY GOES TO FINALLY MEET AND SEE ESCH OTHER#AND MAYBE THERES SO DESPERATE BEGGING FROM KAITO'S END IDK EJSMSSJSJSK#BUT THERE'S SOME DESPERATE YEARNING KAISHIN THERE AND I LOVE ITTTTT#ughh this is not enough exercising out of the system i need more of lay me down kaishin wtf#maybe i should rly do that list LMAO#dc prattles
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it's me and all the women in literature described in despondent unhappiness in a marriage that they don't hate but don't enjoy as they should and who feel as if they're not the way a woman should be and who yearn to be free of their husband and children not because they despise them but because they're not for a husband and children and who can't say that they're miserable but who feel a numb kind of despair in all that disconnectedness and disconnectedness and disconnectedness. they are just like me for real
#we have the same kind of depression 👍 but also. i can see so clearly that that's the way i would be if i still thought i was a girl.#and i had grown up to get married to someone and tried to be a woman and a mother like that. god...#edna pontellier hold on. i'm going out into the sea with you. we'll drown together.#laura brown from the hours on my kin list 👍#need to reread the hours so bad. opened up my copy of it to check if laura had killed herself at the end or not for this post#and just skimming the last few chapters made me tear up. god. but there are still the hours aren't there? one and then another...#and then you get through that one and then my god there's another...#um. books that make you go 'okay so maybe i have wanted to kill myself a little bit all these years. but maybe i'm going to be okay'#the book ever honestly it is Everything to me#and kate chopin's the awakening is good as well. much to be said about the depiction of people of color in that novel#but the depiction of edna pontellier's mental state is so. ough.#glances at the ratings on goodreads nd stuff have made me so irritated.#god forbid a woman commit the ultimate selfish sin of leaving her children behind because she's so miserable by killing herself.#because far worse than the thought that she could be losing all her personhood moment by moment#and wasting her life away feeling like a shell of a person#pales. in comparison to the thought that she could POSSIBLY abandon the children she didn't really want to have.#of course it's a bad situation for the kids. sorry to raoul and etienne. but they will survive.#condemning the main character for having the audacity to go off and die... sickening. i hate people#valentine notes
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some more jack and thenamesh? jacks grandparents, bens parents, come to visit as a surprise but jack is home alone with thena and gil because phastos and ben are on a date and jacks grandparents are a bit worried and confused because they don't know these people but jack is happy to say: this is my aunt thena and my uncle gil
"Jack?"
"Jaddi! Jaddati!" he smiled, rushing over to them as they closed the front door behind them.
"Hello," his grandmother leaned down, patting her grandson's head while her eyes were occupied with the strangers at the top of the stairs. "Jack, wh-who is here with you?"
Jack looked up the stairs as Aunt Thena stood first, always the most on guard when it came to meeting new people. Uncle Gil moved to stand beside her, watching things quietly. He grasped his grandmother's hand. "Jaddati, this is Aunt Thena and Uncle Gil. They're from Dad's side of the family."
Their eyes bulged, never having thought they would meet Phastos' mysterious family. They looked between themselves before trying to smile somewhat naturally. "H-How nice to meet you."
Aunt Thena watched as they ascended the stairs with Jack leading them. She took a few steps back to make room for them. But he had seen Aunt Thena meet new people before, and this was pretty normal for her.
"Aunt Thena, Uncle Gil," Jack moved between the two couples, trying to introduce them properly, like a grownup. "This is my Jaddi and Jaddati. They're Baba's parents."
Aunt Thena tilted her head at them, speaking slowly, "hello."
"Uh," Uncle Gil tried more to smile at them, "h-hi. Ben's family--we've heard about you!"
"Really?"
Jack twisted his lips as the events unfolded. They weren't being unfriendly, but there was something not quite right, either. He looked between both sets of people in his life. "Aunt Thena and Uncle Gil helped Dad save the world!"
His Jaddati smiled, clearing her throat and toying with the edge of her hijab. "Jack has such a wonderful imagination."
Thena just barely got her mouth open before Gil wrapped his arm around her waist. "Kids are great for that."
"Phastos has such a, uh," his Jaddi floundered, touching his hands to his jeans, "broad family tree. Where have you come from?"
"We are visiting from Australia," Aunt Thena finally spoke up. "Phastos and Ben were kind enough to open their home to us during our stay."
"Ah, yes," Jaddati smiled at them, the edges of it still shaky. "A-And how long are you staying?"
Uncle Gil and Aunt Thena just looked at each other. As far as Jack knew, they were staying until they had to go back to Australia for some reason or another. Maybe to do house stuff? Jaddi and Jaddati spend half the year back east, maybe his aunt and uncle would do the same with their home back in Australia.
"Until we have outstayed our welcome."
Jack eyed his grandparents. He could understand why they were nervous around his other relatives. Dad said everyone from their family just...had that effect on people (humans).
His grandmother straightened her shoulders and moved closer to the other woman present, both of them tall and statuesque when eye to eye. "Thena, was it?"
"It was."
She continued despite the peculiar woman naming herself Jack's aunt. "We have had the pleasure of knowing Phastos for a very long time now, and having him as a son for some of that has been a blessing."
Jack watched Aunt Thena closely. She had little things about her that could tell him a lot about how she was feeling. He caught the way her shoulders lowered faintly and her hands became less tightly clasped closed.
"I understand that there was a time when you were all," Jaddati searched for the right word, "separated."
Uncle Gil's hand slid over Aunt Thena's, moving their fingers together.
"But Phastos is a good man, and my son married the right person for him." Jaddati straightened her shoulders more, matching Aunt Thena's rigid posture. "And it is through them both we were given Jack. So I am thankful to your brother, and that he was brought into our lives."
Gil raised his eyebrows. Thena smiled at the human woman.
"Family of Phastos'," his grandmother held out her hands to Thena, "is family of ours."
Thena observed the hands for just a second before slowly holding her own to mirror the position. Her pale ones slipped against the hands of Jack's grandmother's. She blinked. "You have aged remarkably well."
"Thena!" Uncle Gil pinched her side, making her make a face at him. He chuckled, smiling at Jack's grandmother especially, "s-sorry. We, uh, don't get out much."
But Jaddati smiled, the same way Baba smiled at Aunt Thena when they were getting along so well. "It was a compliment, was it not?"
"It was."
Uncle Gil sighed. He often said he wanted Aunt Thena to meet and get along with more humans. Well, Jack thought this was a perfect opportunity! "Hey!"
Thena and Jaddati both looked at him sharply.
"Uh," he lost some nerve but tried to stay strong, clasping his hands in front of him (if he acted cute, maybe they would agree). "W-We should all do something together."
"Like what?" Uncle Gil chuckled, the way he did when he was humouring him.
"The..." Jack eyed his collective family, looking at him expectantly. "Movies?"
"I do believe your fathers have said that your screen time is too much this week already."
Jaddati looked at Thena, clearly pleased with her input. She put her hands on her hips, "you should listen to your aunt, Jack."
He sighed, looking down at his feet, "yes, Jaddati."
"What about this?" his grandfather held his hands out, eager to salvage the bonding moment. "We were going to take Ben and Phastos and Jack out to dinner when we arrived. We can call them and meet them in the city--all five of us!"
"That's a great idea!" Gil joined in, especially eager to bond over food, even more especially with their new extended family. He looked at Thena, "c'mon, baby, please?"
Jack and Jaddati both looked at Thena, who visibly squirmed, trying to look away from Gil's big puppy dog eyes. Jack made the same expression, pressing his hands together, "pretty please, Aunt Thena?"
All three humans - plus her husband - witnessed the second her resolve melted in the face of her nephew. "Very well."
"Yes! It's gonna be great, I promise!"
Jack's grandparents traded a look as he skipped and wrapped his arms around his aunt's torso. She didn't seem entirely natural about the physical affection, but her hand could not have been gentler as she laid it atop Jack's head.
"Wash your hands and wear something warm," she directed.
"Okay!" he agreed readily in his excitement. He took Jaddi and Jaddati's hands again. "You should bring your stuff in here. And you can sit next to me at dinner! Aunt Thena sits next to me too, because she doesn't always like food that's not Uncle Gil's, but she'll go halvesies with me no matter what I get."
#Jack and Thenamesh#I hope you like it!#I love seeing this little family dynamic#and I love Thena with Jack#I just think she would be so soft with him#so so gentle with this little human boy#his grandparents are like oh my god Ben was right they're not human#but they figure hey#Jack loves them#they can't be terrible#They get in the car and they're like Jack don't you want to be in front?#he says no it's okay#he's gonna sit in the back and hold Aunt Thena's hand because she gets carsick#his grandmother wants to cry because oh my this boy is just so sweet#and they see all night how much he adores her#they do sit together and they whisper about what to get and Jack asks her questions#dinner comes and Thena and Jack really do split her chicken pasta and his kids burger and fries in half#she gives him all her broccoli#only for Gil to then give her his because dammit they both need veggies#his grandparents think it's so sweet and lovely#Ben: I know right?#Phastos: do not encourage those idiots they'll spread the stupid to our son
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柄本 佑 || 「光る君へ」 (2024) · 第十七回 「うつろい」
#柄本佑#tasuku emoto#光る君へ#hikaru kimi e#1x17#made by me#fujiwara no michinaga#藤原道長#the soft smile & shaking head when michikane said to him 'I owe you one'#I was all 🥹🥹🥹🥹#I'm not okay#especially after knowing whats gonna happen to michikane next#poor michinaga#just when he finally started to truly LOVE his brother :'(#and is it the last time he gets to say the word 'aniue'?#oh my goodness😩😩😩😩😩😩😩#also irrelevant cuteness:#the way he asked Tomoko for money!!!!!!!! so fucking cute#Tomoko's older than him/a principal wife so I always feel like he's a bit afraid of her#it's good to see them finally sitting together and talking something that's not about their kids or fathers#(even if it's about politics & infidelity😅)#it's SO HARD to be with michinaga ain't it???#one day he accidentally ran into mahiro and he just STOPPED GOING TO AKIKO-SAMA'S PLACE ALTOGETHER#and LIED about his whereabouts to Tomoko#man you're like. the worst hubby#tbh I feel bad for liking her because of Kaneie but I truly TRULY love seeing scenes where michinaga and akiko-sama are together#idk I just see them as a normal couple. michianaga seemed to care abt her more in the way of a man caring abt his wife#and Kumi-chan's just so smollllll around Tasuku-san#I love their weird chemistry. her bewitching vibe#& they're not even a major thing in this show. I need you to go to akiko-sama's place more michinaga
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Not me crying over Baldur’s Gate 3, my Tav is slowly getting more and more morally dubious and it’s only a little bit their fault
#spoilers in the tags cause I’m rambling#I’m in act two and I made it to the little light village. absolutley delighted to see everyone again it’s great#and then of course everything goes side ways- and guys.#I don’t know. if you’re supposed to win that fight with Jenieha or whatever her name is alive#but everyone outside of my group (had astarion shadowheart and wyll with me) died#and it was heart wrenching#like it totally felt like that was supposed to be the safe place where we all get together and march out on the absolute and what not#and then it just fell apart so devastatingly and I’m not okay about it#and more importantly my tav (Zeilith) is not okay about it#anyways point is I think they a little bit broke down sobbing before deciding they’re going to kill everyone that they have to#instead of getting into a fight with the one spider guy down the road she lied to him to get the fairy light and sent him off into the#darkness with his group to die to the shadow demons djdjdjjdjdjd#she’s keeping the fairy in the lamp cause she needs it and she’s done taking chances#it’s w i l d#anyways I’m having a ball#Tav is going to commit manslaughter and also cry over Mol because that’s her kid now djdjjsjs
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ardbert's "you look the same as you ever did to me" really broke my brain
#gposing. thinking. maybe me and shtola are both lucky that things with him were the way they were alsdkjfasdlk#(it is not my fault cori likes to kiss a nice boy. esp when she is sad. akldsjfsa)#i need a text post tag#shadowbringers spoilers#just kidding. maybe. i don't know.#imagining after everything shtola is like okay now there is no more reason for us not to be together ^_^#and cori is like well i kissed ardbert 2 weeks ago when i was sad you couldn't see me and now he's part of my soul forever. literally.
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starting to panic abt the move. im under so much stress.
#.txt#its been coming for years. weve been planning it for years. but now its 4 months away and its reslly starting to set in#being in wa feels right. when we went in oct it was the most 'right' ive felt in years.#seeing the mountain felt right. being in the rainforest felt right. i felt like i was exactly where i was supposed to be for the first time#since i was a kid. i know this will be good for me. i just dont know how im going to handle such a big task.#i was 12 when we moved to mn so i didnt have to deal with any of the moving process besides packing my room#so this is really big for me and its super overwhelming and i just want to shut down#but i CANT#its such a huge mental task and i know its going to be super stressful but i dont have the capacity to fully actualize everything until its#really happening. i need to talk to a therapist i need someone else to make sense of all the shit going on right now#i need someone to just take the fucking wheel for ONCE and tell me everything is going to be okay but so far every single adult in my life#who ive talked to is telling me its a stupid idea and we wont make it and its going to fail#i need someone on my side for ONE MINUTE#for the love of god can i please just have an actual support system for five minutes#can someone please just actually fucking support me for once instead of talking bad about every fucking decision ive made in my adult life#can someone please just fucking be my parent for once. i want my mom. i want my mom to tell me everything is going to be okay.#vent#vent in tags#i am so close to a breakdown but i cant fucking afford one. this cant happen rigjt now i need to hold it together for a little bit longer.#just a little bit longer
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Part of me, deep deep down, wonders if we still may have a scene of MK on his knees versus his friends a la 4x07
#like maybe we WON'T. and that's totally fine#I did get ''You were locked in a corner- told to get on your knees and accept your fate! And you didn't!#You came back and chose to stand to meet your end! Together.'' Like at the very least *kisses kneeling/standing motif*#And it's like ''your friends will turn on you- seeing you for the monster you will become!'' like where did that fear come from. Wukong#Wukong & Macaque#And what are we MAYBE getting answers to next season. Wukong V Macaque#I just. *gestures* the chaos shit is so weird. the staff corruption is so weird#''When the chaos makes them who they are'' SO WEIRD#So like. Rn I feel like MK finally gets hey. You really don't have to do it alone! And it's okay it all leads to pain! Good job bestie#Like the option is it all leads to pain or there's nothing. Cool cool#But I do feel like. He needs to be okay with his role specifically? You know? Like the ''it's always my fault!'' aspect of it#''It definitely shouldn't be left up to me'' like. Well. It kinda was#This was YOUR choice#Idk man like. This is just gonna have consequences#like ''I saw my children couldn't survive the chaos'' We have lost the safety net of the cycle#We have lost the 10 kings. We've lost heaven (ish).#MK you quite literally chose your sentimentality for mortal pleasures over a lot. Over guaranteed survival#God part of me is like. U were so willing to kill yourself so you could finally make up for being you I know it#I fucking know it MK#Ur so rayla core#my god#U were like "I can finally make the world better than I found it by fucking killing myself'' like dude. dude no#this is such a weird amalgamation of getting better/worse MK like I love you#character of all time#And earlier in the season being like ''You're a beast. A monster'' and then calling nine a monster like. MK. whatever#was part of LBD's plan literally destroying chaos with the fire (''And everything beyond even that!'') like idk I'm losing it#lmk#lego monkie kid#lmk rant#lmk spoilers
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vent in tags bbg
#okay so i have some irls on here but idk how often theyre on fucking tumblr but if you see this i love you very much and im not gonna kms#okay so literallly i got broken up w last night and im honestly really fucking relieved bc i loved him a lot but we were both so fucking#unstable as individuals that i knew it was never gonna last#but he broke up w me bc he fell out of love w me which bothers me#bc he needs help and hes starting to get it i just hope he doesnt fucking hurt another person#i really thought we were gonna fucking last forever bro#he talked abt fucking marriage#i am a minor#which says everything you need to know abt wanting to marry someone on the night you confess#im just#i just#i dont fucking know anymore#im so sad all the fucking time#like i thought it was hormonal and shit but its not fucking going away#and i told my parents and ive been on a waitlist for therapy but i need it now#i genuinely need help#im not suicidal at all tho i dont want to die i just need a break#when i finish fucking typing this i have to go do my hw. i want to die.#im kidding i just said i didnt#we're still friends though but we built so much together#i miss him a lot#but i couldnt get back together w him#he was really shitty to me tbh#but he was my first so many thing that its like#idk how to rebuild that trust w anyone to let them see me like that again just for them to fucking leave#and im still so young#im so young and emotional#i have so much time#to love others#idk
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i've been less shy lately so damn i realized how. idk how to say it. wait
#🌙.vents#bcs okay during my shift for my class' booth i rlly helped quite a lot w my classmates in my shift too n yeah others too#i helped the lower school kids that visited hehe n then even a parent n yeah n not to mention my classmates too in general. yh#n to my classmate i was like. 'hey btw i like your mcr shirt' n i said that for my twin as well n. wow. yeah. i really did that woah#n then for my friend apollo n i helped out w their booth too. n i helped like two people for my shift for our (optional) fair committee n#yeah the long one w the discrepancies damn n we even talked a bit while waiting n all n then said hi to a lot of my old friends from back i#middle school. thinking abt it makes me want to cry actually it makes me so happy right now bcs like#my longest friend ever we rarely see or even talk but we're friends n we spent like the whole evening together w other friends#n. personally it just. aghhh i don't know it makes me happy when i can be like.. a friend for others? someone you can hug n then#someone you can open up to someone you know will listen someone you know won't judge you someone you. yeah#n i really mean it i don't know how to put it any other way because i just can't not be sincere about how i love n it hurts bcs#i don't want to be sad. i hate feeling tired. n that's so human n everyone feels sad n tired but#i'm so torn between being kind to myself n dehumanizing myself at the same time. that helplessness like you know better but you just can't.#ah yeah. not only that longest friend but also my longest friend in my school who moved for this sy for. yeah#used to talk n see each other everyday at school n we're third cousins actually n knew years after we were friends.#oh i'm crying again.. no. no i'll push that out of my head wait.. aa sorry i'm sharing my life story 💀 n i know it's because i'm lonely n#you see i just. i just can't. i know i should reach out but i can't & i wouldn't because everyone else have their struggles too#but i can't do.. this on my own but i want to be the one to help others. i notice too much i just need to shut it out somehow#ah yeah wait. other friends too :^) n i often wonder what others think of me. what i mean to them. how they see me#we're all human we all think n not everyone is so self-aware or introspective but. i find it all interesting nonetheless#i would share my own thoughts freely if one would ask. & my own curiosity n willingness to listen is endless#ah but.. nah no i won't entertain that line of thought any further. not sure if i already wrote this to myself today but yk the#i think. when i can really be free n all. i'm good w vulnerable moments i'm good in social situations. i can read them well. n i know what#to do. technically at least. mostly. not always bcs anxiety rlly sucks too n goddamn on the other hand i'm honestly insecure if i'm too#serious at times? like i take life seriously honestly but not like. in a boring way or wtvr i just really value life#most of this is just idle musing i think i've been here in my seat for hours. oh how the time flies huh? midnight is nearing & the tears#in my eyes are drying up. n i just wish that in this moment that time would wait and stop.#sorry i'm not trying to be poetic okay with an unintentional rhyme i'm just writing my thoughts fuck#nah i thought about this earlier n now i'm at a loss for words again. it's sunday n i'm still to tired to reply to the rest of my friends#i'm so sleepy i think i'll write a bit n sleep soon. calmed down after writing that last tag. i'll rest n do more tomorrow.
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