#I just have such a hard time understanding why even progressives buy into this aggressively anti-mask stance

[sil3ntfr34k]

I cannot sleep and having postal brain rot 🫶

Postal 1 Dude Boyfriend Headcanons

• Homie has been living alone with his borderline psychopathic thoughts since he was about 19, absolutely 0 social skills. But he kinda likes it like that, although it’s not good for him, but when has anyone ever liked what’s good for them???

• It was a miracle that you ever saw him to begin with. This man hasn’t left his run down home in 3 weeks and you just so happened to catch him at the grocery store buying ‘supplies’ as he calls it. You had helped him find a certain canned item (he doesn’t eat a lot so he needs something that will last for a while) and also helped him at the check out.

• Romantic love is a very foreign concept to him. As someone who doesn’t feel a lot of emotions other than fear and confusion, anything that makes him happy is something he so desperately wants to keep around. So meeting you was like a breath of relief

• It’s very hard for him to understand what he’s feeling, the constant mood swings don’t help either. One minute he’s spiraling downward, but when he thinks of you, he’s suddenly overwhelmed with this warm comforting feeling. For a while he’s convinced you must’ve put a spell on him, before you finally visit his house

• Champ, his baby boy, immediately takes a liking to you, his strong tail hitting against and knocking things over around him as he approaches you to give you sloppy kisses. Since Champ is sort of like a emotional support dog, Dude trust his judgement which ultimately leads him to be more comfortable around you

• It takes a longgggg time before Dude even thinks about getting into a relationship with you. He’s never felt this way about someone and it terrifies him. Being anti social and all makes him very skittish, so you’ll have to ease him into such a intimate relationship

• As the relationship progresses, you really start to see why no one ever talks to him. He’s weird. Like, he has a concerningly large dead animal collect, even feeding them to Champ if his food gets too low and Dude is too paranoid to leave the house. Dude also has a large weapons collection with some military grade stuff. Not to mention his expansive knowledge of the human body after death and the various ways to skin various animals (and humans, but he hasn’t told you that yet)

• Since this whole relationship thing is new to Dude, he has no idea what to do or how to do it. He never plans dates, doesn’t give you any big gifts, and hardly ever says “I love you”. Although he does love to have you around and hold you when he’s comfortable enough with it.

• The amount of illness this guy has baffles you. It’s like he’s nothing but a sick mind and weak mindset. Good luck trying to give him any sort of medication, he will run away and lock himself in the bathroom with Champ. Fully believes that any sort of pill will make ‘corrupt’ him, especially if it’s from a pharmacy.

• Having to deal with this guy during any sort of episode is EXHAUSTING. Yes you love him, but everyone has their limits. His schizophrenic episodes are the worst of them. They usually force him into a paranoid and clouded state, his mood becoming fragile and his actions more aggressive. Usually during these episodes he believes that there are people out to hurt him, to kill him, so he has to kill them first. It’s a doozy and a half trying to stabilize Dude, desperately trying to tell him he’s safe in a his home and getting Champ to sit with him.

• It’s very hard to get Dude outside of his house. His paranoia always gets the best of him and drives him right back inside the familiarity of his run down walls. Wanna go for a walk around the city to bond with him more? Good luck with that. Wanna go grocery shopping with him because he’s been living off the same can of peas for 3 days now? He’d rather starve. Wanna go shopping for his wardrobe? He has enough clothes. Although you could probably lure him out with the promise of bone hunting with him in the local forest area.

• There aren’t many dates with Dude. The entire relationship is mainly just you two relaxing on his couch watching tv. Of course y’all still do ‘fun’ things like playing board games and helping him clean up around his house, but it’s mostly just sitting in peace with him. It may not seem like a lot to you, but to him it’s the most calm and relaxed he’s been in years

• Dude doesn’t give many gifts, but he likes to give you little wooden figures he’s made. Living alone for years and having nothing but free time really gives you the ability to learn a new skill. He took up widdling and wood carving as a hobby to make hard chew toys for Champ since those rubber bones never lasted and the real bones were too expensive. Dude will give you little shiny rocks he found around the house too. He’s kinda like a crow, shiny attractive

• Trying to cuddle or hug Dude is a task. Due to his childhood, he thinks anytime someone is going to touch him it’s gonna hurt. You’re gonna have to ask him, and then slowly reach out for him. Any sudden movements will make him nervous

• Despite all these bad traits, he’s rather clingy and possessive of you. Sure he doesn’t want you to touch him a lot, but he still wants you around. Just having you in his house is like having his own personal angel. Anytime you want to leave he gets incredibly sad and starts to make up excuses of why you can’t leave. “The evil ones, they’ll hurt you if you step foot out there! Stay here with me, where it’s safe.“

ok that’s all I can think of I sleep now

[prim-slimm]

Also if you get a good facemask, it keeps you warm in the winter. I can’t believe I was never wearing these before Covid.

CDC said “Get back to work everyone” and 95% of the 40% of people who gave even a passing shit decided to abandon one of the most useful accessories in my wardrobe

Self proclaimed progressives when you suggest Covid is still a thing that can affect people with poor immune systems and health complications, and that even with social systems pressuring us to no longer mask that maybe we should still continue to do so.

[lalasworld2x]

Jason Voorhees Headcanons

• At first, he did actually try to off you. Whatever you were doing in the woods by yourself, he didn’t care and just wanted you OUTTA THERE.

• But something about you made him pause, he let you escape for a bit. He knows the woods like the back of his hand so it didn’t take him long to track you down again considering you were lost.

• He took you back to Camp Crystal Lake and sat you down in one of the cabins, trying hard to calm you down. Anytime you almost got the upper hand, he would get aggressive and you would cower away again, and he would soften up.

• It took a while for you to kind of remember the actual story of the legendary Jason Voorhees, your frazzled brain just kept focusing on the fact that he kills people lol

• For the first few months of your relationship, it wasn’t exactly dating and more so just trying to figure out how everything would work as acquaintances, then as friends, then eventually as partners.

• He was definitely aggressive for the few couple weeks, maybe even months, having severe trust issues. You also had trust issues so good thing a middle ground was met lol

• Even though he’s from New Jersey, it doesn’t really matter what sign language you teach him.

• It’s not like he can really go into public with you. He’d go insane seeing any teenage-

• And if you wanted to learn sing language yourself, this is a great opportunity!

• You can teach him how to read and write too. Maybe even get him a phone so you can message each other.

• He might be able to remember some of the things he learnt before the drowning, since he was 11 at the time. But not needing to use those skills for so long may have ruined some of his abilities, but thankfully you’re there to teach him :]

• He gives the BEST bear hugs known to man. They last as long as you want (kind like the Disney land hug rule) and are as warm as can be <3

• You found him calming hobbies, like gardening and fishing. Whenever you weren’t around, he would look after the forest around him and later show off his progress to you.

• It wasn’t uncommon for nasty teenagers to storm in and destroy everything, or just disturb the piece, so you often find splotches of blood somewhere around the path. Doesn’t take a genius to figure out why lol.

• You did set boundaries with Jason, saying that he needed to cut back on the killing ESPECIALLY if you were around. In all honesty, he didn’t care much for this. He will respect it around you, but he’s been doing this most of his life and he doesn’t really plan on hanging up the machete.

• He will respect most other boundaries though. He’s evil but he’s still a human, willing to be somewhat decent lol

• I don’t think he would be much of a family man, I think it would be a bit dangerous for you to raise children with him. If you already have your own children, I would keep them away from him for the most part. It’s not like he’s gonna go on a rampage the minute he sees them, but I don’t know if he’s good with bratty kids or moody teens lmao

• Further into the relationship, he absolutely loves spending time with you. Anything from sleeping in bed together, meals together, going for walks, having a pet (must be a big doggie!), gardening with you

• He probably won’t get over his fear of bodies of water, but I think you would be able to encourage him enough to sit in it. He stills gets major anxiety, but he likes to sit on the bank of the sand with you.

• He especially loves camping with you. Even though he lives in the cabins, he still keeps a tent around and you two do little camp fires. You buy some snacks from the store and eat together.

• Often when camping, you set up a big white tarp and a movie projector, and play whatever movies you feel like. He doesn’t always understand the appeal, or engage with the movie, but he still sits and enjoys your company.

• Gazing at the stars is his favourite with you. Just sitting in silence. You’ll make small talk and he’ll grunt and groan in response. The night sky has always fascinated him. He didn’t get the education to understand it all, so he likes to keep it a mystery.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m so sorry that this sucks, but I felt that if I wrote it any other way, I would write chin terribly OOC 😭😭I realise it’s mostly negative stuff but I’ll try and come back to it to make it better :/

Masterlist

[to-taiwan-from-fanny]

Independent Excursion 2: Academic Reflection of Malls and its Employees.

Dream Mall is the biggest mall in all of Taiwan and it’s located in Kaohsiung, directly accessible by a 30 minute train ride on the lime green line, so of course, I had to go. 

Coincidentally, I spent both of my free days in the city doing just that! The first instance was with Faith, where we traversed through all the floors one by one, hitting every single pop-up shop we saw on the way, and continuing Faith’s turtle stack, which was progressively getting more and more out of hand by day. We must’ve spent around 5 hours there, which led me to falsely believe that we had gone through at least a solid amount of the mall. Nay, it hadn’t even been a quarter of the way through. The mall had so many different wings that we had missed and even a pretty outside area I only got to briefly explore when we were taking the train of shame back at night. 

The second time around, we went with Andy, who ended up being Faith’s bag carrier for the whole 6-something hours we were there. I really wasn’t feeling well that day so I spent most of my time there blindly grabbing onto a boba keychain on his backpack and letting the two of them lead the way. Because I was mentally (and visibly) tired, I didn’t really buy a lot this time around, which is really impressive considering my borderline shopping addiction. 

Since Day 1 of being in Taiwan, I’ve noticed that the sales staff here are a bit, no, way more aggressive than their American counterparts. I’m a person that finds it really hard to say no, especially if someone’s taking time out of their day to approach me (and even if I know it’s just a part of their job description), making malls more stressful to me than they should be. Ever since Faith got socks forcibly tried on her and I got swindled into buying a 900 NTD umbrella, I’ve been on guard more than ever, ready to say “bu hao yi zhi, wo men bu yao” and run off with Faith. 

I always feel bad whenever I do this, though; they’re always so nice it’s almost deceptive, and I’m not alone in feeling this way. According to a study conducted by Lee, N., Beatson, A. and Lin, Y-J. (2010), salespeople in Taiwan are described in both positive and negative characteristics (from snobbish, forceful, false to clever, patient, and kind), a stark contrast to a 1995 study of Americans’ perception of salespeople which was far more negative. It seems that Taiwanese people are both way more empathetic towards employees and also better at being employees in general. 

While I can acknowledge how good at their jobs they are, it was still a terrifying prospect for my wallet being around them. For the first few days when it was just me and Faith exploring the malls, it seemed as if the salespeople were inescapable; hiding around the corner ready to jump me with a mouthful of information about vacuum cleaners. I wondered if it was something about me that screamed “I’m a tourist, please scam me!” and while a large part of it definitely was, it was also because we fit the descriptor of the target audience of malls.

A study conducted by Yang Ho-wen (2005) found that the average mall shopper for Taiwan Sugar Mall, a mall similar to Dream Mall, was “travelling further, younger, having short residential durations, single, with a higher educational level, higher personal income, and more concerned about parking facilities and store loyalty card scheme/coupons/promotional activities.” While I certainly don’t have a high personal income, with the way I present myself, I certainly understand why a shopkeeper would be keen to approach two young adults carrying large bags of stuff. Still a bit offended at how hard I got clocked, though. 

Self check-outs are also very sparse here in comparison to in the States, forcing me to interact with cashiers for even the most mundane of purchases, a slight inconvenience I was shocked to have experienced in Taiwan. It might be my close mindedness speaking, but I had assumed that progression inherently equaled convenience and that there’d be way more self-check out style systems in the country. I hadn’t seen a single self check-out lane in my entire time here but according to the Taiwan News (May 6th, 2023 edition), they’re slowly integrating them into the fabrics of daily life. 

Despite this, I don’t see the prevalence of sales keepers going away. The hospitality and eagerness of the people here have definitely been one of the key highlights of my trip and I can’t imagine a Taiwan without it, even if it meant a few more victims to a twenty eight dollar umbrella scam going on in Shin Kong Mitsukoshi.

Chen, Y.-H. (2011) ‘The service quality and Consumer Behaviour Analysis in Taiwan’, Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences, 25, pp. 16–24. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2011.10.524. 

Service is our second name - Taiwan’s Amazing Convenience Stores: Taiwan news: May. 6, 2023 10:30 (2023) Taiwan News | May. 6, 2023 10:30. Available at: https://www.taiwannews.com.tw/news/4883503 (Accessed: 07 August 2024). 

Lee, N., Beatson, A. and Lin, Y-J. (2010) ‘Stereotypes of Taiwanese salespeople at the service interface’, Int. J. Services Technology and Management, Vol. 14, Nos. 2/3, pp.217–232.

[finsterhund]

Roommate lately has been more mean to me. Idk why.

Sucks because things otherwise have been surprisingly good on my end.

Yesterday he was really aggressively forward to me about how I gained weight and that's going to cause complications with my surgery. As if I don't fucking know this. Hmmm grief and food insecurity. I wonder what that causes? Weight gain! Oh what a fucking shocker. And I've already told him I'm not going to be going back to the gym until after my surgery. So that I don't make it worse. I'm just working out at home in my bedroom. Minimally, but still.

It pisses me off that he says I'm "eating all the time" when I'm having one fucking meal a day still though. bitch literally where? Where is the goddamn food? Like I'm not denying I've gained weight since my best fucking friend died in my goddamn arms but I still am eating one fucking meal a day. Come on. Acting as if it's me eating food as the reason for my health decline and not that grief has made me try to sleep my life away. Goddamn it.

That's what pisses me off. He's diminishing how I'm not doing well. And he's doing it right when I'm starting to get better. Which by the way doesn't work well towards getting better when you have someone doing that.

Idk. As if it's a personal failing on my part that in my severe emotional pain combined with my preexisting disabilities I'm unable to do much of anything except survive.

It's just. Idk.

Like he's able to go to the gym regularly and can afford to have a specific diet and all this and then he treats me like this is something that just as easy for me at this point. When it isn't.

When I admit that for a long time the only thing in my life is eating and sleeping and obsessing over Sly that isn't me admitting some sort of supposed guilt, this is me acknowledging objective facts.

I'm below the poverty line, I'm grieving, my independence was tied to my best friend who is now dead, I haven't been able to see a psychiatrist in person for half a decade because of doctor shortages, I'm waiting more than a year longer than I was told for a surgery that will eliminate some level of physical discomfort in my fucked up body, I am in constant pain because of chronic injury. (I need to stress it NEVER FUCKING GOES AWAY. I can be zonked out on weed gummy and triple times the recommended dose of Aleve (don't do this) and at the very least I can still fucking feel it.) I am psychotic with manic depression and CPTSD and who knows what else because the last time I've seen a psychiatrist was over the phone and they kept throwing around BPD and ASPD and DID like it was nothing and I don't even fucking KNOW you. We only ever physically met ONCE. Nobody fucking knows wtf DID is but that one makes the most sense based on personal understanding of myself and how I don't have a typical form of solid identity like normal fucking people. I've regressed so bad and in the end I was the most reliable with money and always making my share of the rent and shit. And you still got mad at me for buying things that brought me comfort. So I cannot stress this enough. I am holding on. Holding on has been my main priority. And I did it, bitch. I'm still fucking alive. And with all other context that's a feat in and of itself.

It's just hard not to feel like it's me against the world. I know and love and appreciate my friends so much. But damn computer screens and long distance relationships. It's hard.

Hoping this doesn't completely destroy the progress I've been making these past couple weeks.

[explainyourstory]

I'm going in anonymous, but I figured I'd take you question by question as that helps my brain to keep on task

Why do i love who i love? What is it like loving men, women, both, or neither? pt 1 Well, I'm under the Ace/Aro umbrella, and some of it is due to my own ambivalence to love and people in romantic or sexual perceptions, and some of it is due to events in my life that I will not be expunging here just because I've barely trusted those events to my friends, let alone strangers on the internet. pt 2 Honestly, I'm having a hard time due to a lack of irl friends and a lack of knowledge of where and how to meet new people safely. But generally, I don't feel a need to have a partner in my life, and generally enjoy my life without a partner.

What is it like, living as a woman, a man, as neither? I'm AFAB, identifying as Nonbinary, or maybe Agender or Gender Apathetic. The point is, my gender isn't something I care about much. However, growing up AFAB has made it where being out at night is rife with paranoia. I have a pocket knife that I keep open most nights I bike home. I don't even consider where I live to be bad, it's just too risky to be AFAB, alone at night, anywhere. I'm equally paranoid of everyone I encounter, whether they're AFAB, AMAB, or other. Anyone is dangerous, thanks to the plethora of crimes they can do against a physically weak AFAB walking/biking alone at night. Generally though, life is pretty typical. I don't really run into sexism in my workplace, from my coworkers or my customers, and on the whole, I don't consider being AFAB to affect my ability to earn a paycheck equal to my coworkers or to progress in my career. I just don't want to be promoted or anything at this time.

What is it like living poor, or living rich? I grew up in a poor household. Prior to my dad and mom divorcing, my life was normal, to my knowledge. I had two loving (though debating the merits of using that term thanks to the abuse I suffered during that time and after has taken much of my mind power in the last few years) parents, and got gifts from them and my extended family. I didn't like my sibling, but that was due to me being 6-7 years old by the time the sibling made their appearance in my life, which was a long time of being the only kid before everything changed and I had no choice or say in the changes. However, when I was about 8-9, everything changed with the divorce. Growing up with my dad, we lived paycheck to paycheck, I often was turned down for many things I wanted, and christmas and birthday gifts were often postponed because of the lack of proper money. I made a friend in high school who was middle class, or rich to my perspective, and I often felt jealous. She could go to market of choice and get sushi every day, while I had to use the free lunches of my school, and only occasionally buy burgers from the nearby Mcdonalds or Dairy Queen. Growing up poor aches when you're old enough to understand, and my dad didn't help by venting about our money issues to an 8-9 year old me. I still struggle with checking my bank account due to stress, and still struggle with either splurging once I have a surplus, or aggressively squirreling the money and trying to pretend I don't have money with which to splurge (even when I do)

What is it like to live as a white person? I will only comment on this as I am white, but personally I don't know what to say. My life has been average, but I haven't necessarily had an easy life just because of my skin color. The issue between skin color has appeared more recently in my workplace with customers. I work in a store under a corporate brand, let's call them Small-Mart. I work the Self-Check area more often, which requires me to watch transactions to make sure customers scan everything, and I do it equally to everyone because my job is to make sure shrink doesn't leave the store. I couldn't care less that you're black, white, hispanic, or anything in between. If you scan everything, I will barely glance at you. If you struggle with scanning some items, I'm more likely to say "it seems the item didn't get scanned, our machines are finicky at best, you know how it is" If the item is scanned, then the issue is finished and I don't continue fucking with people, though I may continue a light hearted small talk if I've found something in common. I've had black people imply myself as racist for doing my job, and had other people complain about me hovering when I haven't been hovering, or if I was hovering, it was because I was doing my job. I believe that whatever skin color doesn't matter, I'll respect you as a person with an identity I don't know if you do the same. Why should I judge someone based on arbitrary characteristics they were born with? It'd be like assuming someone blind is actually helpless, or someone autistic is mentally brain dead. Neither assumption helps anyone, so why do it?

What is it like to live with a crippling medical condition? An injury? A physical or mental disability? pt 1/3 I don't know if this counts, but I was born with mild-to-moderate hearing loss that leaves me reliant on hearing aids to perform most normal things. I have a small range I can hear in, but most of the sounds of human speech or the world are outside of the range I can hear. It's generally okay. I can't shower with my hearing aids in, or sleep with them in, I have to buy hearing aid batteries fairly often, and occasionally I have to go to an audiologist to take care of the hearing aids or update my prescription as needed, or get new hearing aids. When I was younger, kids would ask me what it was like being deaf. I asked them what it was like being capable of hearing. I do not remember having the ability to hear, I was born like this, this is my normal. To explain it would be to explain to a sociopath what emotions feel like. It's hard, because you're having to explain a thing you have always known, with no metric for comparison. I recognize my hearing aids are different, but to me they're just another part of my daily routine, a tool I use to get close to matching normal hearing.

I have to send a second part, so this is part 1, and I'll sign off as: ~ Abyss Anon

Part 1

—————

Thank you so much for sharing! The questions were more as examples and general prompts to get people thinking, they weren’t required if you wanted to share something else, but I understand your method! That’s smart actually, I didn’t consider people answering multiple questions at a time like that, but that’s rather convenient all things considered.

Don’t worry about your hearing loss counting or not! There is no qualifying basis, you are free to tell me about anything under the sun, you can answer all or one or any of my questions, or you can share something I didn’t think of when making my list, all I want is to hear your perspective and your story. So once more, thank you for sharing <3

[lo-frequency]

Hi I love your blogand your writinh so much it's so good!

Could I request a shoto/denki and toga x chubby reader (if you're not comfortable writing with toga you can just to denki and shoto) thanks!

Fortunately for you, anon, I did them all! (and it's kinda long, so my bad lol) Also, there's mention of insecurity in Toga's, but it quickly turns to fluff. As always, please enjoy!

Denki

-Believe it or not, Denki was nervous to confess to you because he was afraid of being rejected. You’re so cute and cool and that he was sure there’s no way you actually returned his feelings. It was worth a shot, tho. So imagine his joy when you said you felt the same way :)

-Rants about you all the time to his friends, to the point where they feel like they know you personally before you’ve even met. They also get to hear all the tmi stories about what the two of you do alone, because he can’t help himself (if they don’t walk away first, lol).

-He knew you looked squishy before, but couldn’t believe how soft your skin was when he finally got to hold you. It was almost unfair. He often finds himself caressing your skin mindlessly whenever you’re close together, hand always ghosting across your arm or hand (or your thigh ;) ).

-Lays back on you to play video games, his head cushioned by your pillowy chest and the rest of his body situated between your legs as you watch him play. Play in his hair or rub his arms and he will fall asleep. The tingly feeling he gets when cuddling with you is his favorite kind of electricity.

-Zaps your butt “by accident”

-Easily flustered, but he tries to play it off with his cool act. Just kiss his cheek or tell him he’s handsome and watch him ramble about knowing he’s “irresistible” until he flushes red up to his ears.

-Denki can be pretty corny at times but he does have his serious moments, mostly when you two are alone together. He shows you what’s beneath his goofy facade, a boy with dreams and aspirations just like everyone else. After seeing this side of him, it’s a little irritating to hear people reduce him to an idiot (although he does have his moments 💀)

-Them thighs tho 😏 “Dang babe, you been working out?” “Not really, Kaminari” He clucks his tongue. “Sheesh, imagine being that thicc...naturally” he says, shaking his head as if it were a shame.

-Truly believes he has the best s/o in the whole school. Does not take offense to being called a simp 🤷🏾‍♀️.

-Wasn’t aware of it at first, but became super attracted to people with your same body type. His eyes always lingered on them in public, and he couldn’t help but think they were kinda hot (sorry, y/n)

-Very affectionate, but loves to receive as much as give, so please give this man plenty of kithes and hugs, he gets the shakes if he doesn’t get his daily dose of Y/n love.

-Y’all are so silly together, always cracking jokes or giggling about something. You eventually develop a similar sense of humor, and have so many inside jokes people can’t decipher your conversation. If anybody has anything negative to say about y’all: Denki puts his hand over his earpiece and says to you (from right next to him) “Pikachu to Big Sexy, I’m picking up some negative vibes on the radar, do you copy?” And you, holding your hand up to your own ear, say “Affirmative, doing a diagnostic scan...it’s a hater, confirmed.” Cue the obnoxious laughter, lmaoo

-Never forgets the anniversaries or relationship milestones. He even remembers the date of yall’s first kiss, and thinks about it every time the date passes (although he wouldn’t tell you that tho, that would be too sappy, even for him).

Shoto

-The way you and Shoto became acquainted was a little unorthodox. You fell on him during a training session one day, and the feeling of your soft body pressed against his was a new experience for him, to put it mildly. Shoto stood up from it a changed man. Call it an awakening, if you will.

-You were a little put off by all his staring since that incident, thinking he didn’t like you despite all your profuse apologies. But after Izuku dropped hints that it was probably fascination rather than contempt, your relationship progressed smoothly from there (thanks mostly to your efforts, since Shoto had no clue how to approach you).

-Shoto still had a staring problem once y’all became official, too. Whenever you asked him what he was looking at, he was not ashamed to tell you exactly why: you are too fine not to stare (ok, maybe he didn’t say it exactly like that)

-Not overly affectionate in public, but has a tendency to always stand or sit close to you whenever he can. Just sharing the same space is intimate to him.

-Sharing a bowl of soba noodles 💕

-Buys you expensive gifts all the time, and loves to see you using them. Especially if it’s clothes, it’s like a piece of him is always with you even when you’re not together (plus, it shows you’re all his ;) ).

-Now, I’m gonna tell y’all a little secret. It’s pretty shocking, so be warned: Shoto sometimes pretends to be oblivious when you hint at wanting affection, just to make you beg for it. Maybe you brush your hand against his, and he moves it. Or maybe he saw you lean for a kiss and he casually turns the other way just to hear you complain. He likes it, makes him feel wanted.

-Devious, I know, but just get even 😏

-When y’all are alone, he loves when you hold him close and just sit there, peacefully enjoying each other’s presence. He also likes to lay on your lap while reading a book or watching tv with you, slowly nodding off as you comb your fingers through his hair.

-Obsessed with you, but not in an unhealthy way, it’s just that you’ve become such a big part of his life that he kinda...thinks about you all the time. Shoto is canonically not very talkative, but I think that with you, he’d open up more about his true thoughts and feelings. So when he shoots you that blank stare when his classmates are up to some bull, you know exactly what it means.

-Also revels in knowing you that well, too. He’d flex how much he knows about you to the other people and sometimes unintentionally embarrasses you in the process

-For example: “Here Y/n, a cherry popsicle just for you!” Shoto immediately hands you some napkins before adding “Y/n doesn’t usually eat cherry popsicles, they always drop the red juice on their clothes.” Like gee, good looking out Shoto...thanks for telling the whole class I can’t eat without messing up my clothes 💀. He’s sweet tho, he has good intentions.

Toga

-She made it very clear from the beginning that she liked you, and with how smitten she was, who were you to refuse her (aggressive) advances?

- She thought your plump figure was just so cute, one of the cutest things she’d ever seen, and she quickly developed an unhealthy obsession with squeezing your chub.

-When you two are together, Toga is always attached to you in some way, whether she’s hanging off your arm or has her arms looped around your shoulders.

-Starts to eat the same foods you eat, borrow your clothes all the time, listen to your favorite artists, whatever way she could become closer to you

-Writes you love letters or sends you cute text messages all the time, you’re always on her mind, even when she’s on missions. “My Y/n is wayy cuter than you! Let’s get this over quick so I go back to them, ok? 🥰 🔪🔪”

-I know y’all were waiting for this...she most definitely uses her quirk on you. Toga loves you so much, she wants to become you. So one day, you finally allow her to give it a try.

-She tells you to close your eyes, and when she gives you permission to open them, you find yourself staring...yourself in the face. And you do not like it 🤢. There’s something so strange about seeing yourself in 3rd person, in all dimensions. Is this how you look to her, all the time? You quickly lose interest in this little charade, looking everywhere but at yourself as Toga prances around doing sexy poses in your body and giggling. However, when she sees your reaction, she stops.

- “Hm? What’s wrong, Y/n?” she asks with a tilt of (your) her head. You glance at yourself, then look away again. “This is so weird. I don’t like looking at myself” you say, grimacing at the slight bounce and jiggle of your body when she walks toward you.

-In Toga’s eyes, you were absolutely adorable. In fact, she was getting a little hot and bothered just taking peeks at herself (you) in the mirror. She’s used to feeling you up for sure, but being you was a whole other experience. Though, she can understand your insecurity. After all, it’s hard to live in a world that constantly tells you your true self is abnormal. She knows from experience.

-So, she comes up to you with a flirty grin on her face...and starts showering you with kisses, in your body! You start to protest, weirded out by the feeling of your own lips on your cheeks but she would not relent. Toga was determined to show you what being loved (by you) felt like from her perspective, with your irresistible “imperfections” and all 💕

Thanks for tuning in! :)

[anamericangirl]

Just because the law says something doesn't make it right. They are not the arbiters of morality. The law has been very wrong before on matters of human rights, such as they were with slavery, segregation, and other issues. So arguing that abortion is ok because the law has decided that bodily autonomy trumps the right to life only tells us what is currently the legal decision, not whether it's actually true.

Obviously the law hasn’t always been right. All of us already knew that, that’s why change happens. Something called progression, right? Abortion used to be illegal in this country as well so I don’t know what your point in bringing up slavery does for you, you don’t have to bring up the most extreme examples to make a point about human rights. Pro choicers entire point is that we believe our human rights as women are being infringed upon because we believe we have the right to refuse to sustain the life of another using our body.

I find it interesting though, you make a point to bring up human rights a lot and how much you value life but if you truly believed that abortion was such a brutal, horrendous, and murderous act, you all are fairly calm about it.

I mean, pro lifers are more annoying than aggressive when it comes to protesting outside of planned parenthood clinics. I can’t help but think that they would be far more outraged if they physically saw newborns entering a slaughterhouse since that’s what they equate abortion to. Holding up signs with “choose life” & fetus pictures as they stand idly outside a clinic seems rather mild for such a murderous act. They seem fairly willing to talk to those murderers outside of abortion clinics, have conversations with them. I’d imagine people would be losing their minds if so many of those people were going inside to kill babies. No? I mean if you’re defending human rights like you say, you’re doing a poor job at it since you couldn’t even make it fully illegal nationwide by now. So much time for progress and yet pro lifers have done so little.

But I agree, we aren’t going to find a common ground on this. I simply don’t buy the amount of BS that pro lifers spew and I doubt they themselves buy it either so I don’t know who they are fooling with the “caring about human rights and lives�� . No coincidence that most of them tend to be religious too.

"Abortion used to be illegal in this country as well so I don’t know what your point in bringing up slavery does for you, you don’t have to bring up the most extreme examples to make a point about human rights. Pro choicers entire point is that we believe our human rights as women are being infringed upon because we believe we have the right to refuse to sustain the life of another using our body."

I was bringing up slavery as an example of how the law isn't always right. Sometimes the law is very, very wrong. Thought that was kind of obvious.

I understand what pro-choicers believe but you don't understand what pro-lifers believe. Pro-lifers believe that the rights of innocent human beings are being infringed on. We believe you don't have a right to commit murder. You have the right to make whatever decisions you want about your body, but you don't have the right to make decisions about another body. If you're pregnant there is another human body involved and your bodily autonomy ends where another human body begins.

Our rights as women are not being infringed on by denying abortion because we don't have the right to commit murder.

"I find it interesting though, you make a point to bring up human rights a lot and how much you value life but if you truly believed that abortion was such a brutal, horrendous, and murderous act, you all are fairly calm about it."

I'm fairly calm about it because it's very hard to communicate extreme distress through typing on a computer. And we've learned over the years that being aggressive and loud during a conversation with an individual doesn't help our cause at all. I'm actually not calm about abortion, but I do keep my composure when I'm having a one on one discussion with someone. But if you look around you and open your eyes a little bit you will see many very passionate pro-lifers working together to change minds on abortion and bring an end to it.

We have to keep calm and keep our composure because there are different standards for us than there are for pro-choicers. We have to stay level headed for the most part and leave our emotions out of it while society just accepts strong emotional appeals from pro-choicers. You guys don't have to be calm or reasonable because the people who are in control of our society already agree with you.

"But I agree, we aren’t going to find a common ground on this. I simply don’t buy the amount of BS that pro lifers spew and I doubt they themselves buy it either so I don’t know who they are fooling with the “caring about human rights and lives” . No coincidence that most of them tend to be religious too."

We care a lot about human rights and human lives. That's the exact reason we are pro-life. If you're willing to sacrifice the most helpless and innocent among us for your misguided belief that a woman has the right to murder an innocent baby simply because it's inside her body, violating all the rights of the child and committing a horrendous act of violence on them that would be considered a crime worthy of the death penalty at any point outside of the womb, it stands to reason that the ones who don't care about human rights or human lives are pro-choicers.

[wordsnstuff]

20 Mistakes To Avoid in Enemies To Lovers

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Weak Conflict

There should always be a strong, compelling source of tension between two people who are considered enemies. Even if their rivalry stems from external sources, such as bad blood between families or competing for a number one spot, there should always be a concrete reason why they hate each other.

Not Explaining Forgiveness

When one of these conflicts subsides, or a tense moment resolves, it should be justified. Tension and emotions shouldn’t disappear because you’re trying to stuff romantic moments in here and there. If one of your characters crosses a line and the other character chooses to forgive them, there needs to be a clear and understandable reason. It doesn’t always have to sit well with the reader. Your character can make a blatantly stupid decision, but it needs to serve the plot. 

No Tension To Be Found

If your characters have to verbally or physically assault each other to demonstrate the tension between them, you’re doing it wrong. If they have to kiss for the reader to see that they like each other, you’re doing it wrong. Tension is in the little things. It’s in the instances that most people would overlook, but your characters zero-in on because the subtext is too thick to gloss over. Tension is the most important plot device in enemies-to-lovers stories, so it requires a lot of time and attention to minute details. 

Conflict Solved Too Easily

If the rivalry between your characters is one misstep after another, with immediate forgiveness following, the tension won’t build correctly. You’re working your way up to a boiling over moment. A moment where everything comes out and then, once resolved, makes way for the romantic feelings to enter. If the conflicts don’t slowly build on each other, that boiling moment will come out of nowhere and be less satisfying to read. Don’t let your characters off that easily. Enemies aren’t constantly letting things slide. 

Characters Changing For One Another

People don’t need to be exactly the same to see attractive qualities in one another. It’s true that relationships shift your perspective and that it occasionally results in outward changes in behavior, but one or both characters shouldn’t mold their personality around their partner. 

Stupid Potion

If one of your characters has to become oblivious or avoid critical thought to maintain a relationship with that character, you haven’t made the two characters compatible enough. This is especially true when one or both of your character’s identity revolves around a higher intelligence. They should have enough in common that there doesn’t have to be a giant shift in one or both personalities to work as a couple. 

The Relationship Brings Them Down

The thing about enemies to lovers stories is that the happy endings are usually an indication of the author’s view of what is and is not forgivable in a potential partner. The acceptance of someone’s past mistakes, current flaws, and future struggles. When a love story ends with a couple that repeatedly lower each other or hurt each other, that sends a bad message, and that is your responsibility to avoid. It doesn’t need a happy ending, but it should never have a destructive one. 

Writing Abuse Instead of Rivalry

There is a big difference between writing two equals who have a rivalry slowly falling in love and putting aside their differences, and writing an abusive, predatory love interest who repeatedly hurts, manipulates, and gaslights the main character. Just because you can imagine the character forgiving them doesn’t mean they’re a good partner. Cheating, physical abuse, isolation, passive aggression, and manipulation are not character flaws. They’re not “mistakes” that the character needs to forgive in order to save their relationship. It’s abuse, and when you write a story between an abuser and a victim that has a happy ending, that has consequences. 

Revealing Feelings In A Cliché Way

This is very subjective, however, there are also a plethora of tropes to choose from and an infinite amount of alterations you can apply to make them your own. The objective, however, is to build up to it in a way that creates a satisfying payoff, and an interesting moment that serves all of the work you’ve done to build to it. There’s nothing worse than reading chapters and chapters of build up, anticipating a big moment where sparks fly, and then having all of that tension result in a sad sputter of mediocrity.

Instant Trust

Trust is difficult to build between two people, especially when they have a complicated past. Trust is earned, no matter who you are or what you’ve been through, it’s always a process. It’s never inherent. When two characters have a history of betrayal or hurt, trust is going to be even harder to develop between them, and that process is an opportunity for more tension, character development, conflict, and eventually a satisfying resolution. Trust development is a major plot device, and I recommend you take advantage of it. It’s also a huge opportunity for building romantic tension amongst the angst of trials and tribulations. 

Why Do They Hate Each Other, Though?

There’s a thin line between love and hate, and that line is infatuation; obsession. So, what put the two of them on the bad side of that line? This reason is the main conflict. The overarching plot begins with the point where that rivalry either begins or is challenged after a long while of stagnation, and it ends with the two characters crossing over that line into love. You need to make that beginning point very clear.

Rivalry Shouldn’t Just Dissolve

There needs to be a transitionary period that is tense and awkward with scattered moments that make the effort worth it to both of them. There should be a “Well, we hated each other last week and then they did some really sweet things and now I’m not so sure. Maybe we’re starting to become friends now? I feel really excited when I see them, so I must not hate them anymore, right?” period. 

Complete Opposites

Yes, opposites can attract. Yes, completely different people can fit together very well and have a happy relationship, but this is a cliché and is, in most cases, poorly thought out with little to no originality. 

Love With No Reason

Just like your characters need a reason to hate each other, they need a reason to love each other. There has to be something that makes them work. Not just a common hobby or characteristic or exterior aspect they share, but something that makes them fit together. If they love each other because... they can, your reader will feel like they’re watching two stupid, lonely people tolerate each other’s flaws in the interest of sex or companionship for 100 pages. 

No Actual Conflict Resolution

Relationships are built through conflict resolution. Communication, empathy, effort, and understanding between two people who work to make each other happy. Hollow forgiveness is not apart of that process, and if that’s all there is, you’re not developing a realistic relationship between compatible people, you’re depicting a toxic relationship that, in the case of these origins, can be abusive. 

Underusing Sexual Tension

Sexual tension is great. It’s easy to develop, it has a satisfying payoff, and it doesn’t take up a lot of space on the pages. It doesn’t have to result in x-rated material, especially if you’re writing for a young adult audience, but it’s simple and effective. 

No Awkward Transition Period

A large chunk of the plot should be awkward and uncomfortable to watch. The transition should be organic and make sense for your characters, but all organic movement contains struggle. Nobody goes from hating each other to loving each other overnight, and relationships are complicated and require hard work. Show this.

Catalogue Characters

There are enough stories out there with cardboard characters and self-insert protagonists, especially in romance. Make your protagonists unique and individual. Make your characters diverse and interesting to read about. Readers should have a bit of wiggle room for imagination, but that doesn’t mean they should be filling in the blanks like your characters are Mad Libs. Don’t close your eyes and point at character archetypes to form your cast. It’s obvious and lazy. 

Stagnant Tone

The tone of these stories often falls flat because in the interest of building tension, writers ignore purposeful tone shifting, scene-to-scene. Change it up, make it potent, and make a lasting impact during important moments. Suspense and anticipation shouldn’t just build during the climax and resolution. 

Bad Pacing

When your readers spend hours reading a story that promises a romantic payoff, they expect to see some of it. I think that a three act structure is really effective with this type of arc, with the first third being devoted to building rival tensions, the middle third being the shift from rivals to friends, and the last third building that romantic tension and ending with a happy resolution. 

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[mbruben-stein]

Hello! I would love a match-up with the following fandoms: Marvel, Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter.

I'm pansexual, she/her pronouns. I don't mind being shipped with either gender!

𝑭𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆𝒔: I'm about 5'5, pale skin, blue/grey eyes, blonde around my face and brown then black at the ends of my hair. I have many many piercings, and I'm covered in tattoos. I'm curvy/plus size and am body positive.

𝑯𝒐𝒃𝒃𝒊𝒆𝒔: Reading, writing, collecting rings, journaling, tarot. I'm also collecting as many books as I can because I want to have my own library where people can take whichever book they wish.

𝑷𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚: INFJ, Chaotic Good, Gryffindor, Aquarius Sun, Capricorn Moon, Aries Rising, Pisces Venus (this last one might help with the match especially). I'm a passionate person and have strong opinions. I will always stand up for what I believe in, no matter how scared I feel. I think I'm quite witty and intelligent, although I do get overwhelmed quite easily. I'm incredibly open-minded and progressive. I love to laugh and make others laugh too. I'm sensitive, and intuitive and can pick up on other people very easily. I have strong gut feelings and kinda ... understand a person's vibe? Like I can sense someone's aura but not see their colour.

𝑨𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒄: I love cottagecore, I'm very witchy but also a little grunge and gothic at the same time.

𝑳𝒊𝒌𝒆𝒔: Learning - especially witchcraft, watching tv, day-dreaming, listening and discovering new music. I love being at home, writing and then taking a reading break. I adore baths and constantly buy items from Lush.

𝑫𝒊𝒔𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆𝒔: (other than the usual injustices of sexism, racism, and homophobia), I strongly dislike spiders and will scream whenever I see one. I don't like close-minded people, or those who make fun of others. I hate passive-aggressiveness, large crowds and loud sudden noises.

𝑳𝒊𝒍 𝒇𝒖𝒏 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒔 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒎𝒆:

・Have shaved my head. Asked my stepdad for his clippers and went into the bathroom and ...hacked at my hair. It was very liberating, I think every woman should do it at least once in her lifetime

・I adore animals - I have a cat and dog! I want more but my cat is too much of a princess and won't allow any other animal in the house

・Bought a tattoo gun from the internet and I tattoo myself. I do the majority of my own piercings as well. I like to learn how to do things like that. I've kinda learned how to do hair and do mine, my mum's and my nunna's.

Was this too much? Sorry if it was, it's hard to describe oneself in a post. Thank you very much, I hope you have a wonderful day x

An: I am so happy that you asked for a matchup request @witchthewriter. I hope that you enjoy this.

Marvel:

Your other half is Loki:

(First of let me tell you. Loki, who was a villain, is not your match. Your match is Loki, who becomes a hero and part of the adventures.)

Loki loves you not just for your looks but for your personality.

Loki loves the idea of you creating your own little library. He would definitely trade and borrow books from you.

He loves reading books with you. Sometimes he or you would read out loud to each other right next to the fireplace cuddling.

He would think that all the piercings you did yourself are beautiful even though he will never admit it out loud to himself.

You've caught him multiple times staring at you. And when he knows that you caught him, he would just whistle.

(I don't know why but I can imagine Loki holding your cat and cuddling her, as she purse. Just aww.)

Looky honestly doesn't care about the way you look or what you would wear. I honestly think that he would love you just for who you are. And you can't change my mind.

He just loves seeing you learn witchcraft every day. He would probably help you when you are doing witchcraft. If it is doing tarot readings, doing spells, or learning something completely brand-new with witchcraft.

Loki learns the hard way not to make fun of people or say something mean in front of you. When you are mad, angry, or upset you. He knows that you are his weakness and that you scare the heck out of him.

Honestly, Loki loves you with all his heart no matter what.

Lord of the rings:

Your other half Aragorn:

First of all, you two are the most, sweetest and cutest couple together.

Aragorn thinks that it is fantastic that you have many different types of tattoos.

Aragorn would ask you what the meaning is behind each of the tattoos and where did you get the idea for them.

He would think that your taste in clothing is alluring. But he also considers that you are pretty the way you are, and he doesn't care what people say about you.

Every time Aragon would look into your eyes, he would think they looked like stars.

Aragorn wouldn't care if you were short, tall, skinny, or chubby. He would love you just for who you are.

He would definitely be interested in your love for tarot reading cards.

He would try to keep you safe and away from spiders, especially the big ones in the woods.

Aragorn enjoys seeing you stand up for what you believe in.

He tells you no matter what happens. He'll always be here for you, even if you're scared, mad, or upset.

Overall you two are the sweetest and cutest couple ever, but if someone messes with you guys, you and Aragorn become scary-scary.

Harry Potter:

Your other half is Fred Weasley:

Queue all the sweetest and mischief love you'll get from Fred Weasley.

Fred would think that your tattoos are so cool and awesome.

He would enjoy watching you do a new tattoo on yourself every time you did.

You and Fred would definitely get matching tattoos. (It would be just so cute. Just aww.)

(I don't know why but I can honestly imagine Fred playing with your hair all the time because he thinks it's pretty.)

Fred would think that your taste in clothing looks good on you.

Fred would call you so many nicknames it wouldn't be even funny.

He would have a very long five-page list of nicknames that he would call you.

These would be just a few of the nicknames that he would call the most: my goddess, my shooting star, my little Iris/Poppy, and my goddess.

Fred would enjoy hearing stories that you would tell him from your childhood that were cute or funny.

Fred would ask you to tell him the story of when you shaved your head one time.

You two would definitely, be cuddling if you two were at the burrow, or when you two were at Hogwarts, you guys would cuddle next to the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room.

Honestly, you and Fred Weasley are the cutest couple ever. Just so cute.

[olderthannetfic]

I'm a Chinese, nationally and racially. Racial projection seems to be a common practice in western fandom, doesn't it? I find it a bit... weird to witness the drama ignited upon shipping individuals with different races, or the tendency to separate characters into different "colors" even though the world setting doesn't divide races like that. Such practice isn't a thing here. Mind explaining a bit on this phenomenon?

--

Sure, I can try. But of course, fish aren’t very good at explaining the water they swim in.

Americans aren’t good at detecting our own Americanness, and a lot of what you’re seeing is very much culturally American rather than Western in general. (In much of Europe, “race” is a concept used by racists, or so I’m told, unlike in the US where it’s seen more neutrally.) Majority group members (i.e. me, a white girl) aren’t usually the savviest about minority issues, but I’ll give it a shot.

The big picture is that most US race stuff boils down to our attempts to justify and maintain slavery and that dynamic being applied, awkwardly, to everyone else too, even years after we abolished slavery.

There’s a concept called the “one drop rule” where a person is “black” if they have even one drop of black blood.

We used to outlaw “interracial” marriage until quite recently. (That meant marriage between black people and white people with Asians and Hispanic people and others wedged in awkwardly.) Here’s the Wikipedia article on this, which contains the following map showing when we legalized interracial marriage. The red states are 1967.

That’s within living memory for a ton of people! Yellow is 1948 to 1967. This is just not very long ago at all. (Hell, we only fully banned slavery in 1865, which is also just not that long ago when it comes to human culture.)

Why did we have this bananas-crazy set of laws and this idiotic notion that one remote ancestor defines who you are? It boils down to slavery requiring a constant reaffirming that black people are all the same (and subhuman) while white people are all this completely separate category. The minute you start intermarrying, all of that breaks down. This was particularly important in our history because our system of slavery involved the kids of slaves being slaves and nobody really buying their way out. Globally, historically, there are other systems of slavery where there was more mobility or where enslaved people were debtors with a similar background to owners, and thus the people in power were less threatened by ambiguity in identity.

Post-slavery, this shit hung around because it was in the interests of the people in power to maintain a similar status quo where black people are fundamentally Other.

A lot of our obsession with who counts as what is simply a legacy of our racist past that produced our racist present.

--

The other big factor in American concepts of identity is that we see ourselves as a nation of immigrants (ignoring our indigenous peoples, as usual). A lot of people’s families arrived here relatively recently, and we often don’t have good records of exactly where they were from, even aside from enslaved people who obviously wouldn’t have those records. Plenty of people still identify with a general nationality (”Italian-American” and such), but the nuance the family might once have had (specific region of Italy, specific hometown) is often lost. Yeah, I know every place has immigrants, and lots of people don’t have good records, but the US is one of those countries where families have on average moved around a lot more and a lot more recently than some, and it affects our concepts of identity. I think some of the willingness to buy into the idea of “races” rather than “ethnicities” has to do with this flattening of identity.

New immigrant groups were often seen as Other and lesser, but over time, the ones who could manage it got added to our concept of “whiteness”, which gave them access to those same social and economic privileges.

Skin color is a big part of this. In a system that is founded on there being two categories, white owners and black slaves, skin color is obviously going to be about that rather than being more of a class marker like it is in a lot of the world.

But it’s not all about skin color since we have plenty of Europeans with somewhat darker skin who are seen as generically white here, while very pale Asians are not. I’m not super familiar with all of the history of anti-Asian racism in the US, but I think this persistent Otherness probably boils down to Western powers trying to justify colonial activities in Asia plus a bunch of religious bullshit about predominantly Christian nations vs. ones that are predominantly Buddhist or some other religion.

In fact, a lot of racist archetypes in English can be traced back to England’s earliest colonial efforts in Ireland. Justifying colonizing Those People because they’re subhuman and/or ignorant and in need of paternalistic rulers or religious conversion is at the bottom of a lot of racist notions. Ironic that we now see Irish people as clearly “white”.

--

There are a lot of racist porn tropes and racist cultural baggage here around the idea of black people being animalistic. Racist white people think black men want to rape/steal white women from white men. Black women get seen as hypersexual and aggressive. If this sounds like white people projecting in order to justify murder and rape... well, it is.

Similar tropes get applied to a lot of groups, often including Hispanic and Middle Eastern people, though East Asians come in more for creepy fantasies about endlessly submissive and promiscuous women. This nonsense already existed, but it was certainly not helped by WWII servicemen from here and their experiences in Asia. Again, it’s a projection to justify shitty behavior as what the party with less power was “asking for”.

In porn and even romance novels, this tends to turn up as a white character the audience is supposed to identify with paired with an exotic, mysterious Other or an animalistic sexy rapist Other.

A lot of fandoms are based on US media, so all of our racist bullshit does apply to the casting and writing of those, whether or not the fic is by Americans or replicating our racist porn tropes.

(Obviously, things get pretty hilarious and infuriating once Americans get into c-dramas and try to apply the exact same ideas unchanged to mainstream media about the majority group made by a huge and powerful country.)

--

Politically, within the US, white people have had most of the power most of the time. We also make up a big chunk of the population. (This is starting to change in some areas, which has assholes scared shitless.) This means that other groups tend to band together to accomplish shared political goals. They’re minorities here, so they get lumped together.

A lot of Americans become used to seeing the world in terms of “white people” who are powerful oppressors and “people of color” who are oppressed minorities. They’re trying to be progressive and help people with less power, and that’s good, but it obviously becomes awkward when it’s over-applied to looking at, say, China.

--

Now... fandom...

I find that fandom, in general, has a bad habit of holding things to double standards: queer things must be Good Representation™ even when they’re not being produced for that purpose. Same for ethnic minorities or any other minority. US-influenced parts of fandom (which includes a lot of English-speaking fandom) tend to not be very good at accepting that things are just fantasy. This has gotten worse in recent years.

As fandom has gotten more mainstream here, general media criticism about better representation (both in terms of number of characters and in terms of how they’re portrayed) has turned into fanfic criticism (not enough fics about ship X, too many about ship Y, problematic tropes that should not be applied to ship X, etc.). I find this extremely misguided considering the smaller reach of fandom but, more importantly, the lack of barriers to entry. If you think my AO3 fic sucks, you can make an account and post other fic that will be just as findable. You don’t need money or industry connections or to pass any particular hurdle to get your work out there too.

People also (understandably) tend to be hypersensitive to anything that looks like a racist porn trope. My feeling is that many of these are general porn tropes and people are reaching. There are specific tropes where black guys are given a huge dick as part of showing that they’re animalistic and hypersexual, but big dicks are really common in porn in general. The latter doesn’t automatically mean you’re doing the former unless there are other elements present. A/B/O or dubcon doesn’t mean it’s this racist trope either, not unless certain cliched elements are present. OTOH, it’s not hard for a/b/o tropes to feel close to “animalistic guy is rapey”, so I can see why it often bothers people.

A huge, huge, huge proportion of wank is “all rape fantasies are bad” crap too, which muddies the waters. I think a lot of people use “it’s racist” as an easy way to force others to agree with their incorrect claims that dubcon, noncon, a/b/o, etc. are fundamentally bad. Many fans, especially white fans, feel like they don’t know enough to refute claims of racism, so they cave to such arguments even when they’re transparently disingenuous.

--

Not everyone here thinks this way. I know plenty of people offline, particularly a lot of nonwhite people, who think fandom discourse is idiotic and that the people “protecting” people or characters of color are far more racist than the people writing “bad” fic or shipping the wrong thing.

But in general, I’d say that the stuff above is why a lot of us see the world as white people in power vs. everyone else as oppressed victims, interracial relationships as fraught, and porn about them as suspect. Basically, it’s people trying to be more progressive and aware but sometimes causing more harm than good when those attempts go awry.

[nationalharryleague]

Portfolio

Pairing: Harry Styles x Reader

Genre: AU, Angst, Boss!Harry

Word count: 3.5k!

Warnings: Domestic violence mention, boss/employee dynamic

A/N: Hi! I decided to write another fic after Overnight was received so well! Again, thank you to anyone who read and enjoyed it! I’m not sure how I feel about this one lol but I think it’s good enough to post. Please let me know if you enjoyed it and send feedback! Thank you for reading!!! More of my writing can be found in my masterlist! 

Part 2

You had always been a teacher’s pet. Growing up, you were the kid who worked hard to get a 4.0 GPA just for the rush of getting a compliment on your intelligence from your teacher. You craved that validation for all the hard work you put in and you just wanted people you admired to like you. And not for nothing, you deserved the compliments. At work, you were the first one there and the last one to leave. You loved your job and it showed.

You were currently working your first job with any real power at an up and coming public relations firm, Styles Public Relations. SPR was quickly growing in size and recognition and being brought onto the team was a dream come true. You loved everything about working there. The offices were beautiful, it paid well, and your ideas and proposals were finally being heard and brought to the public. Well, you loved everything except one glaring, irritating, and gorgeous problem: your boss.

Harry Styles was a striking man. He was tall, impeccably dressed, and obscenely attractive. His skin was perfectly tan and when it got warm in the office you could see  beautiful tattoos revealed by his rolled up sleeves. Those sleeves were worth more than your life and his head-to-toe Gucci ensembles usually showed his wealth off well. He looked like he should be on the front of a magazine, not behind a desk. Well, he was on the cover of Forbes that one time. While he was so nice to look at, the man was anything but nice. He had an abrasive attitude and not much care for pleasantries or mincing words.

Today, you found yourself on the opposite end of his brutal disposition. You had brought a campaign proposal to him for a newly acquired client and he began to rip it to shreds.

“I don’t know why you thought this campaign was a good idea, Y/N,” he told you sternly. “It’s childish, silly, and unprofessional.” Every word he said dug into you. You tried to attribute his harshness to it being Monday, but you knew he would say this to you any day of the week.

“The client said they wanted something more playful to soften their image,” you defended yourself. “I was doing what they asked for.”

“Well, you did a terrible job at it.”

That stung. You had dedicated your life for weeks to this proposal and had expected him to love it. You hoped this was finally the proposal that would secure your position in his good graces. Apparently, not.

“Okay. I’ll restart the project with a different angle.” You moved forward to grab the binder off the conference room table and flee the room back to the safety of your office. You were shocked when he put his own hands on the binder and slid it away from you.

“You’re off the account. I’ll have someone else do a better job,” he spat. Now, that really hurt. Your ego was closely related to your career and you knew you deserved better than this. You did everything you could to hold back your tears, but one betrayed you and fell down your cheek. You believed you saw his hard exterior soften for a split second before his ruthless demeanor returned.

“Fine,” you breathed, never breaking eye contact with the cruel man. “I’ll leave you now, your highness.” The words left your lips before you could fully register them in your own head. You turned on your heel and rushed back to your office, thinking about the insubordination complaint coming your way.

“Did I just get myself fired?” you asked yourself softly when you were finally in the safety of your own office.

The rest of your week passed in a blur. By Friday, you had accepted your fate and decided to get every passive aggressive dig at your boss you could before you carried your things out in a cardboard box. When you saw him around the office, you made sure to make direct eye contact and shoot daggers his way and you responded to his emails with one word answers. You were also producing the best work you had in years. Turns out, spite was a fantastic motivator for you. If he was going to fire you, he would feel bad about it.

As usual, you spent your Friday night typing away in your office. You were a workaholic and had no problem with staying at work late. Unfortunately, so was your new nemesis.

You caught your first glimpse of him after-hours on a trip to the copier. Your next was on your trek to the coffee pot. Later, on a walk around the office to stretch your legs. Each time you saw him, he was in the same spot. He sat at the conference table surrounded by spreadsheets and graphics and stared perplexed at the piles of paper encompassing him. You knew you could go in and ask him if he needed help, but you wanted to watch him suffer. According to him, you would just do a terrible job anyway.

It was about 7 o’clock when you heard a firm knock on your office door. You expected it to be the cleaning crew asking to vacuum your office. With a ‘come in’ your door opened and your boss’ large body leaned up against the door frame, careful not to enter the office he knew he wasn’t welcome in. While you were shocked he was coming to talk to you, you stayed quiet. If he wanted to talk to you, he would have to break the silence. After a few awkward moments, he did.

“Um, I was thinking about ordering dinner if you wanted to join me.” This was by far the nicest thing he had ever said to you other than ‘you’re hired.’

“Well, what are you getting?”

“I’ll buy you whatever you want for dinner if you take a look at the investor relations portfolio I’m working on.” You were taken aback. He was asking for your help. He needs me, you thought as you smirked to yourself.

“Make it the Italian place down the street and we have a deal,” you countered. You didn’t want to spend anytime with him at all but you were taking this as a sign that  1) he wasn’t firing you, and 2) he thought you did good work. Also, their spaghetti bolognese was calling your name.

Soon you were both knee deep in documents and investor information packets. You absolutely could not believe it but the two of you were collaborating well and making real progress on the portfolio. This was the working relationship you always wanted to have with your big shot boss; the opposite of his constant criticism and belittling of your work.

When the food arrived, you both decided to take a break and eat like an entire company’s stock shares weren’t resting on your shoulders. While your conversation stayed surrounding work, it inevitably steered towards the account he had taken away from you.

“So, how’s my campaign doing?” you asked. You knew it was a risky question but you two had been getting along and you decided you needed an update on the account that had become your baby.

“I gave it to Marcus and-”

“Marcus? Really?” You interrupted  him. “Marcus is a shithead.” Your baby deserved better than Marcus.

“You didn’t let me finish,” he said in a joking manner, with a small smile. The smile was just big enough for you to notice that he had dimples. He had never smiled in front of you before. “He’s doing a horrendous job and I was going to give it back to you on Monday.”

“Thank you. I appreciate the second chance,” you confessed. “Can you level with me for a minute?” you asked after a moment of silence. “Why did you rip into me like that? You could have just told me that it wasn’t right for me and taken it away.”

You watched him think for a moment. He scratched at his five o’clock shadow (that was more like a 9 o’clock shadow now) and you could tell he was searching for the right words.

“Because it got you fired up, but I could tell I hurt your feelings and I apologize.” You never expected an apology for the way he acted and you no longer regretted showing him your emotions. He had hurt you and he should feel bad for it. “I thought you were getting complacent in your ideas and you’ve been killing it since Monday.”

“Thank you for the apology. Here I am thinking you did it just to be a dick.”

“Is that what people in the office really think of me?” He looked genuinely hurt and you felt slightly guilty for being the bearer of bad news. But you hoped if he saw it from his fearful employees’ perspective he would lighten up a little.

“Do you want me to be honest?” He nodded his head. “You act like you have a stick so far up your ass it’s touching your brain and that you’re better than everyone else because your suit costs more than my rent.” If he never minced his words, why should you?

“Oh Y/N, tell me what you really think,” he said after a pause with a light chuckle. You were surprised by his reaction. You never expected him to take something like that so well.

“Listen,” you began again. “I understand and respect your toughness on us. But there is a line between criticism and just being mean.” You decided this was a time to call him on his shit, during this very very rare moment of comradery between you. You wanted to have a healthy relationship with him, maybe even a friendship.

“I understand that I can get a bit harsh. It’s just the whole ‘is it better to be loved or feared’ thing. I’ve always thought fear would be the safer option.” You felt like you were getting to pull back the layers of his hard shell and see the human being underneath for a brief period of time.

“But if you were truly loved, no one would ever betray you,” you whispered softly, always the romantic.

“Love has never been reliable, has it?” Your heart broke for him and you realized someone doesn’t become as hardened as he is overnight. Something did this to him.

“What about love being the most powerful force on earth?” you wiggled your eyebrows at him, referring to the slogan for an engagement ring campaign you were both working on.

“Well, when your wife tries to steal the company that you built together and run away to Spain with her personal trainer, love gets a little bit more complicated.” There it is, you thought to yourself. This was the first time he ever felt like a real person to you; not like a teflon shell of anger, wealth, and ambition. His features looked softer and he seemed less like your evil boss, and more like someone dealing with a painful trauma.

“I’m sorry, Harry,” you said softly, genuinely meaning it. “Oh shit, sorry. Mr. Styles,” you corrected yourself. He laughed at your mistake and you watched his dimples reach their full potential. He looked down at the table, obviously a little uncomfortable with his rare moment of vulnerability with the woman who was probably the biggest pain in his ass in the office. Before you knew it, you had decided to share your own uncomfortable vulnerability.

“My ex put me in the hospital while I was still living in New York,” you began, watching his eyes immediately jump to yours and listen intently.

“Oh Y/N, you don’t have to talk about this… I didn’t mean-,” he tried to stop you but you figured if he shared with you, you could share with him.

“No, it’s okay. It’s been a long time,” you reassured him, shaking your head softly. “We were fighting because I found out he had been cheating on me. I had packed a bag and was trying to leave when he pushed me down the stairs of our apartment building. I broke my arm in two places and I had to have a few surgeries.” You rolled up the sleeve of your blouse and showed him the scar that ran down your forearm. You scanned his face and it looked like he genuinely cared about you for a moment. You brushed it off. “After that, I decided I needed to leave New York.”

“Why London?” he said gently.

“I was obsessed with this English boy band when I was growing up,” you laughed. “I guess I romanticised London in my head and decided it might be a good place for a fresh start.”

“While I’m incredibly sorry you had to go through all of that to get to London, I’m very glad that you found your way to me,” he spoke tenderly. His face was serious, but not the seriousness you were used to while getting scolded about your work. It was gentle and like he meant every word he said. You were happy you found your way to this version of him too.

“To the firm, I mean,” he corrected himself and you felt a weird pang of sadness inside of you. You are just his employee, remember that, you thought to yourself.

“I’m happy I found the firm too. If only I could figure out how to deal with my hellish boss?” you asked sarcastically, rolling your eyes dramatically and laughing at him. You realized that this could definitely be taken as flirting, but you decided were okay with that.

“Maybe they’re just trying to push you because you are by far the best campaign director they have,” he said nonchalantly, leaning back in his seat and watching your every movement. You felt your cheeks heat and the rush of adrenaline from finally getting his validation. This was all you ever wanted from him.

“Oh, I know,” you smirked, leaning back in your own chair and studying him as well.

He really was gorgeous. His quaffed hair had fallen over the course of the day and a few stray pieces hung on his forehead. His black dress shirt fit him so well. You were fully able to appreciate the tailored fit after he had shrugged off his blazer and removed his tie, unbuttoning the top few buttons to reveal glimpses of two swallows that sat on his collarbones. A chain that you had never gotten to see hung around his neck, a cross and the Star of David resting on his chest.

“We should get back to work,” he murmured after a few extended moments of staring at each other.

“Probably.”

You two worked for another hour or so before you let out a small yawn and Harry insisted you both call it a night. Although you protested and told him you were fine, he was firm in his demand that you go home and rest. As you packed up your things in your office, he hovered in the room and watched your every move. Conversation was relaxed and casual, not stained with the malice you usually had towards each other.

He took your briefcase from your hands, offering to help as you struggled to carry a poster and a few proposal binders, and carried it as you walked in step with each other out of the office. When you reached the front doors and went to go your separate ways, you were met with a puzzled look on his face.

“Where are you going? The parking garage is this way?”

“Oh, I don’t have a car. I take the tube wherever I have to go.”

“Let me drive you home,” he offered. When you denied his proposal, you were met with a stern, “Let me drive you home or you’re fired.”

Although you fought him the entire walk to his car, asserting that you were fine to take the train, you climbed into his beautiful jet black sports car with a huff and a pout. He had a triumphant smirk on his face that you were tempted to slap off, but decided to take this as a sign from the universe that you just weren’t meant to get blisters from your heels walking home tonight. You watched as his long fingers gripped the steering wheel skillfully and you both sat peacefully, the silence between you only interrupted when you gave him occasional directions to turn right or left. The soft sounds of a Fleetwood Mac song you couldn’t remember the name to flowed through the speakers and his mouth silently lip-synced the words. You admired him the whole drive home and you didn’t want to get out of the car when he pulled up to your building.

You both departed the car, walking around to the trunk where he had stashed your briefcase. Your casual conversations had long passed, both of you beginning to mourn the night you had together. You had enjoyed this night far more than you anticipated and you hoped this would be the first of many late nights at the office that he would join you for. You looked up at him when he handed you your briefcase and you both stood there in silence for just a few more fleeting seconds, neither of you wanting to be alone yet. You were first to break the noiseless night.

“Thank you for dinner and the ride home, Mr. Styles.”

“Please call me Harry,” he said with a subtle smile, stepping up on to the curb, closing much of the space between you.

“I can do that, Harry.” His first name felt foreign on your lips but it was a welcome change.

“Thank you for all your help tonight. I needed your fresh set of eyes on that portfolio.” This interaction felt so intimate; his words hushed and complimentary, intensified by his body’s proximity to yours.

“Whenever you need me,” you breathed, refusing to break the eye contact you were both desperately holding on to.

With one swift step he pressed your bodies and your lips together, backing you up until your body pressed against his car. You dropped your briefcase to the ground and your hands flew up to the base of his neck. He tasted like the lemon cookie he had ordered for dessert and you smelled his intoxicating cologne as you drank each other in. His hands snaked their way under your blazer and rested on your hips, pulling you impossibly closer to him. His kiss was deep and demanding and you weren’t sure if you ever wanted it to end.

This morning you couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him and mere hours later you were ready to bring him up into your own. He was infuriating and rude and knew just how to push your buttons. But, he also seemed to be gentle, kind, and thoughtful when he wanted to be. Harry Styles was an enigma. You couldn’t wrap your head around him and it drew you to him even more.

Your bodies flowed in perfect sync with one another and your open-mouthed and hungry kisses were so hypnotizing you couldn’t think. Harry was the only person that existed to you anymore, tuning out the murmurs of a passersby, and anywhere your skin touched his was lit on fire.

Finally coming up for air, you breathlessly peeled your lips away from the other. You both refused to break your eye contact, your hands gripping tight to his biceps to steady your weak legs, and scanned each other’s faces.

“You have a little something,” he murmured, reaching to wipe your smudged red lipstick from your bottom lip with his thumb. You leaned into his touch and smiled up at him.

“So do you,” you panted, staring at his lips that were now stained red.

You both just stood there for a little while, soaking up the other’s company before you pulled away and things got more complicated. He was your boss after all, was this even allowed? Did he want to be something more than coworkers? If things ended poorly, would you still be able to work together? Would he be nicer to you now?

“It’s late. You should get some sleep,” he eventually broke the silence and your spiraling thoughts.

“I agree. You worked me real hard today,” you smirked at him, unable to pass up the innuendo. An amused grin spread across his lips and he took a step back from you, releasing you from his grip against the car. He gathered your things you had dropped on the ground during his assault and handed them back to you.

Harry leaned forward and pressed a kiss to your cheek that lingered a little too long to be considered friendly. It made your cheeks burn.

“I’ll see you Monday, sweetheart” was the last thing he said to you before he climbed back into his car and drove off into the night.

Part 2

[llogllady99]

We’ll meet again

CHARACTERS | Levi, Erwin, Gabi, Falco

RELATIONSHIPS | Levi x Erwin

GENRE | Angst, Characters death

IV | Characters death, talks of reincarnation, mourning, angst, heavy angst i think, Erwin’s grave

SUMMARY | It was the 14th of October and Levi had just come to visit his late lover’s grave: Commander Erwin Smith, dragging Falco and Gabi with him.

WORD COUNT | 2k

Droplets sharp like knives rained down relentlessly against the jagged and worn out headstones in Paradis’ graveyard, further eating away at the already damaged and weathered rock. Puddles have formed in the depressions of the little allies that snaked in between the graves, gravel and dirt mixing with the glacial downpour of mid October. Trees, specifically three or four oak trees and five pine trees that were placed in acute measured intervals, were dripping with water, their leaves ruffled violently by the gale that accompanied the rain. The clouds and sky were a dark grey, occasionally splitting when lightning broke through, immediately followed by the roar of thunder, silencing and drowning out every sound present in that moment in the valley and everything in its vicinity. When such events did not occur, the high pitched squeaking of a wheelchair and its occasional bumping into small, misplaced bits of gravel could be heard, accompanied by short and light footsteps following it closely could be heard.

In the terrible weather, that had decreased the visibility exponentially, three figures could be distinguished making their way through the alleys of the graveyard: the owner of the wheelchair, a man in his forties with onyx black haired and with an enormous scar deforming his once perfect face, and two children: a girl with chestnut brown hair the same colour as her eyes and a boy with blonde hair and hazel golden eyes. Their destination was still unknown as the boy had trouble following the instruction the man in the wheelchair voiced, his tone growing more aggressive by the minute, his excitement and eagerness starting to show. But as time progressed, their destination seemed to be at the far back of the cemetery, where a massive white marble head stone laid, seemingly unaffected by the furious torrent around it. It was the 14th of October and Levi had just come to visit his late lover’s grave: Commander Erwin Smith, dragging Falco and Gabi with him.

Seven years had passed since Erwin’s death but it still felt like it was yesterday. The pain, regret, and love were still as intense as they were when the man took his last breath, abruptly raising his hand up asking that damned question again before inhaling and exhaling shallowly. It was a cruel world they had lived in back then and certainly letting Erwin rest had been the best decision and one of the greatest gestures of love Levi had done for him. They all suffered so much, him most out of them all. There was no point in bringing him back and let those regrets and guilt pile up even more. Sometimes, selfishly Levi would allow his mind wonder and wish his lover would be there again with him, if only for a little bit, enough to witness the world they were in now. A world with no more wars and hardships. He would also imagine their life together: buying an apartment together in the centre of Mitras, raising a few pets together, getting married for real, adopting, and taking him to the ocean, a wonder which Erwin never had the chance to experience. Levi would have shown him all the weirdly shaped shells that Armin was so passionate about, the colourful fishes that swam where the water was deeper, and the way the sun rose from the water, painting it in vibrant yellows, oranges, and reds.

Levi had also told Gabi and Falco about Erwin, telling them about the greatness of his Commander, their relationship, and about his last moments. The children had been surprisingly understanding, Gabi’s prejudice’s long forgotten, and had offered him great comfort telling him they wanted to know more and actually meet the man, well what remained of him. Levi reckoned that there would only be his bones, if they had not turned to ashes those seven years, and maybe a phew strands of his infuriatingly beautiful golden hair, a feature of his which the raven adored. Therefore, here he was, looking down at the white marble headstones, emotions and memories flooding back in again. He briefly showed the children the headstone and then asked for a little privacy. With sympathy, they obliged and walked off in a random direction through the cemetery, each equipped with a black umbrella, shielding them from the torrential rain.

Now alone, Levi readjusted his umbrella so it sat upright without his support, then reached for the bag that rested against one of the armrests. It was a brown leathered sling bag which he took from Erwin a while ago. He had found the bag while gathering his things from his office when they came back from the expedition. Back then it had brought back memories of secret picnics in flowery meadows on their days off. Erwin always had to drag him by force because Levi didn’t know how to let go, comfortable in his routine. Looking back now they should have done that more often. He missed the whispered I love yous, make outs with flowers in their hair and dirt on their clothes, half-assed sandwiches stollen from the barrack’s kitchen. Now, besides Erwin’s cloak that was neatly folded and handled with the utmost care in his apartment back in Marley, the bag was a reminder that Erwin had indeed lived among them, that he was not some figment of his imagination. Inside it he had stored a mini wooden and golden gramophone. It had been a gift from Onyankopon, because the man had noticed his enjoyment and fascination with music. After carefully placing it in his lap, next he took out a small record that he gently placed on the gramophone. Looking back at the headstone he tried to imagine that Erwin was there, in his Survey Corps uniform with a warm smile on his face staring back at him. Levi lifted his chin, looking into his lover’s eyes, but to an outsider into pure nothingness. Now in a wheelchair, he was even shorter than him, albeit at his one meter and some hope, he didn’t have much to compare to Erwin in the first place. But now it seemed as if their faces were miles away.

“Listen carefully now big guy, I’m about to play you my new favourite song.” Levi smiled then proceeded to gently place the tonearm over the disc record. The disc started rotating, then the sound of trumpets sounded through the horn and into their surroundings. After a short intro, it sang:

We'll Meet Again

Don't know where, don't know when

But I know We'll Meet Again

Some sunny day

Keep smiling through

Just like you always do

'Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away

So will you please say hello

To the folks that I know

Tell them I won't be long

They'll be happy to know

That as you saw me go

I was singing this song

We'll Meet Again

Don't know where, don't know when

But I know we'll meet again

Some sunny day

We'll Meet Again

Don't know where, don't know when

But I know we'll meet again

Some sunny day

Keep smiling through

Just like you always do

'Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away

So will you please say hello

To the folks that I know

Tell them I won't be long

They'll be happy to know

That as you saw me go

I was singing this song

We'll Meet Again

Don't know where, don't know when

But I know We'll Meet Again

Some sunny day

As the song came to a stop, the disc record spinning slower and slower, a stray tear found its way on Levi’s cheek, streaming down fast at first but as it reached his jawline, it faltered for a little then fell on his shoulder, colouring almost imperceptibly the grey suit a darker grey. The gramophone, now ceasing to emit any kind of sound, was tucked right back to its fateful place in Levi’s bag. Rearranging it so that it rested again comfortably against the armrest, the raven turned his attention to the imaginary Erwin that stood motionless on his own headstone, staring back with the same vibrant cerulean eyes and soft smile. Usually, Levi would have felt unnerved by his stare, always reprimanding him with a “What you looking at, creep?”, but now he missed it dearly, the longing clawing at his chest and making it hard for him to go through with what he had to say next. So, ignoring the lump forming in his chest and the tears that threatened to fall, Levi opened his mouth and began to talk:

“Do you know why I like this song, Erwin? Because it reminds me of all of you. You, Hange, Mike, Petra, my squad, the brats.” Stopping to regain his composure, he inhaled and counted to three as Gabi had once told him, then continued his speech. “Do you wanna know what I did in the three years I wasn’t allowed to come to Paradis? I travelled. Like a lot. All over the world. I finally got to live for real. Getting to see all those place, the people, and cultures had been fascinating. However, one thing had struck me deeply: Buddhism. Such a strange name for a religion. And guess what, it has nothing to do with the walls or bad or wrong. It just is. One central belief of this religion is reincarnation. The concept had comforted me greatly. Life after death. Death is a natural part of the never ending cycle of life. Death leads to rebirth. It also claims that a person’s spirit remains close by and seeks out a new body and a new life.” Levi gulped then wiped away a few tears that had fallen. “But I don’t want you to find a new body. I don’t want any of you to find a body yet, I want all of you to wait for me. Wait for me, Erwin! Wait so we can start fresh together. Tell the others to wait for me too. Wait for me!” Levi had started to shout, desperation making its presence known.

He wanted to meet Erwin again, to fall in love with him all over again, to hold him, to be together again. If Erwin had reincarnated again, there was no way for Levi to meet him now, to fulfil all of his heart’s desire, and when he died, there would be no after life with Erwin. The only way was for them to wait for him so they can start fresh again.

“But who am I kidding? I only believe in this shit because it’s the only way to cope.” Levi brought a hand to his temples and massaged them, as another headache began to throb through his head. It had started to darken outside, they needed to get going, otherwise they would miss the ferry back to Marley. Hesitantly he called for Gabi and Falco to come get him. While he waited for them he told his lover one last thing:

“I have followed every order of yours, completing it. I chased Zeke for four years, all because I promised you. So, I also want you to promise me one last thing. Promise me we’ll meet again.”

The figure of Erwin standing on the grave vanished, leaving Levi alone. The raven rubbed away one last tear and greeted Falco and Gabi that were patiently waiting next to him. The three of them made their way out of the cemetery, Levi not sparing a look back. If he knew Erwin as well as he thought he did, he was confident they we’ll see each other again

They will meet again, one sunny day.

Notes :

The song for this fic is Vera Lynn - We'll meet again. I also posted it on Tumblr. Thank you for taking the time to read it! As always, I do not own Attack on titan or any of the characters that are in it. This is just a fanfiction inspired from the show! Thanks again and notes and comments are always welcomed. The gif was originally posted by @vialesana​ and Tumblr showed it to me.

[angstsfordays]

I Miss You, I Love You

Summary: Ever since Bucky woke up from his cryogenic sleep in Wakanda, you decided to let him have space to recover despite your eagerness to see him. While your relationship is undefined thus far, you tried to find ways to let him know he is being loved.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Fluff all around. A hangry and aggressive goat.

Word count: 5k-ish

Notes: Hi, I’m back with a Bucky story! This one has nothing to do with the universe I created for my other Bucky/ Steve AU stories. If you haven’t checked it out, I written A Lot Like Love not long ago. Check out my masterlist too! 😘

Leave a like, reblog or comment to let me know what you think! 💖

———————————————————————

It had been almost five months after the civil war between Steve Rogers and Tony Stark. You were one of the enhanced individuals that came out to help Steve but mainly, Bucky to clear his name.

Before the fight, you had kept your powers on the down low even while you were an agent with SHIELD. You still remember when you were kidnapped by HYDRA, specifically Brock Rumlow, a fellow agent that you thought was your ally and friend.

Brock and you had trained in the academy together and were even partners for awhile before Fury pulled you out to support Phil Coulson. Brock always had his suspicions about you when you had to managed to survive life-threatening situations.

Once, you managed to save him from the impact of an explosion only a few feet away. Both of you would not have survived it but the two of you survived unscathed. When Brock tried to search for your information on SHIELD database, it was mysteriously kept confidential and only accessible by Director Fury. 

Brock relayed this to HYDRA who seemed to keep an eye on you. During the fall of SHIELD, you had been brought to their base forcefully and that’s when you met Bucky for the first time.

You recognised him immediately but you were forced to kept silence by Alexander Pierce who was hell bent on making sure Bucky had no recollection of who he was. You would have been silenced on the spot when you called out his name but Pierce kept you alive for your value as an enhanced.

Long story short, Bucky came back for you when HYDRA was momentarily defeated by Steve Rogers and his group. After pulling Steve out of the water, Bucky killed everyone remaining in the base and freed you. The both of you made plans to escape the country together.

In the two years he tried to hide from the world and regain understanding of himself, you were there by his side. The two of you developed a close bond that was hard to be placed into a specific category.

You were the only one he trusted and he was the one you wanted to protect. For those two years, the two of you enjoyed each other’s company and fell into domestic bliss. At first, you two lived off the savings that you had while living a simple life in Romania 

Soon, he tried to earn a living by doing laborious work while you worked at a local café. The two of you were happy and even though nothing special had happened between the two of you, you were still content.

It’s hard to say if you two were even toeing the lines of relationship but you knew you were at least friends.

Then one day, news of the UN bombing happened. Bucky was on his day off and went to the market to buy groceries for the two of you. He then discovered himself in deep waters when he was framed for a crime he did not commit.

You were still working at the café at the moment it happened. You took your apron off and dashed out of the café when you saw the news on TV. However, by the time you reached, you had arrived at a bust-up home.

Grabbing your passport, you hopped on the next available flight to Germany. Your heart was racing wildly when you saw that Bucky escaped from CIA custody and you wondered where he could have gone.

Once you landed, you received a call on your burner phone and heaved a sigh of relief when you realised Bucky was on the other line. He told you of his plans and asked you to stay low.

“I can’t drag you into this, Y/N. Not after all you have done for me.” He reasoned, almost pleading as he really didn’t want to involve you into his mess. You uprooted your whole life back home and abandoned it so that you could help him.

Bucky didn’t want to take anything more from you. You deserved to live a carefree life without constantly worrying about watching your back all the time.

“I don’t want to leave you, Bucky.” Your voice came out shaking at his request. Several times had he brought up the idea of leaving so that you can return to your previous life, but you pleaded for him to stay.

The two of you had gone through so much together, how could he easily thought of leaving you?

Your ears perked up when you heard the faint sound of an announcement that sounded similar to where you were at. You then realised he was here at the airport.

The airport staff asked for mass evacuation and you made to escape from the crowd. As you hid in a spot trying to figure your next move, you then heard the sound of crashing and explosion. You let your feet bring you to the runway where the fight happened.

Your appearance was one of the many surprises when you came between Bucky and someone who you came to know as the Black Panther. Bucky was shocked to see you while you chided him if he really thought you would abandon him.

Bucky allowed himself to have a feel-good moment amidst the chaos as he thought of how lucky he was to have you by his side. You persuaded Bucky to leave you and continue his plans of going after Zemo. He begrudgingly obliged when he saw how you had fiercely fought to protect him.

Along with the rest, you were brought into a maximum centre in the middle of the ocean for your war crimes. Added that you are an unregistered enhanced individual that popped up from nowhere and aided in the fugitive escape of Steve and Bucky, you were considered a criminal too.

Everything seemed like it was going downhill until Steve Rogers broke you out and had everyone brought to Wakanda to seek refuge. You barely reunited with Bucky when he told you that he wants to go into cryogenic sleep.

He didn’t believe he was safe until that was a solution to the brainwashing that HYDRA had subjected him to. Bucky regretted the decision the moment he saw the tears welling up in your eyes.

Even with only one arm left, he made sure to hold you tight in his arms to comfort you.

“Wait for me, Y/N. I want to come back as better man.” He spoke while he rested his chin on the crook of your neck.

“You’re already the best man to me, Bucky.”

Your words made Bucky’s heart soar and swore you were the best thing that could have happened to him after 70 years of pain and suffering. As he pulled away to take in your face for one last look, he then leaned in to place a gentle kiss on your forehead.

After you got over your emotions, you reassured him that you will be fine. You wanted the best for him even if it means he could not be with you for awhile. In the two years you spent together, Bucky had confided in you that he was most afraid of not being in control of himself ever again. HYDRA robbed him of his own person and Zemo took advantage of that too.

You wanted Bucky to have the chance to be free again so you let him go. As he walked over to the machine, he threw you one last longing look and a nod to Steve before he stepped in.

Once the machine closed around him and reality sunk in, you let yourself fall to the ground and let out a deep exhale. Steve Rogers had learnt about you as Bucky talked about you while they were on the jet to Siberia.

Steve was grateful that his pal had found someone like you. Steve bent down to your level and patted your back to soothe your pain. You returned a smile to Steve in kindred spirit, knowing that you weren’t the only one who was affected.

Before he decided to leave, Steve had asked you to stay in Wakanda as he wished that you do not join his group on the run as fugitives. He did not say this to you but he also hoped that you will be here once Bucky wakes up too.

You gladly accepted his request and soon found yourself enjoying Wakandan hospitality.

———————————————————————

As a guest, King T’Challa welcomed you like a friend and you had grown to learn more about the beautiful country and its culture.

You had alternated your time in between hanging out with Shuri in the labs and teaching in the villages. You had the honour to become an assistant teacher and grown to love your newfound life.

Shuri had been giving you updates on her progress with Bucky and you had made several trips to see him while he was in a state of sleep. However, it only served to pain you and those trips had lessened once you found yourself busy with your students.

When Shuri finally informed you she had managed to fix Bucky, you were thrilled. She told you of her plans to move him out of the lab and into one of the villages to recuperate for his own mental well-being.

She asked if you wanted to visit him but you suddenly found yourself hesitant to do so. You thought that perhaps, it is best for Bucky to have time to himself. After all, he deserved it after all he has been through.

Maybe, you should keep out of his way for now.

“I seriously don’t understand, why would you avoid him if you like him?” Shuri shook her head when she heard your explanation.

“Boyfriends are so complicated, I am never getting one.” She added on while fiddling with her tech.

“He’s not my boyfriend! He’s just a friend.” The pitch in your voice increased in response to her statement. Bucky was not your boyfriend at all, although you wished-

Shuri stopped what she was doing and looked at you like she did not believe a word you had said. “Sure and I am not a genius then.” Rolling her eyes, Shuri shook her head in disbelief before going back to her screen.

As you made to leave, Shuri stopped you to tell you that Bucky was currently residing in a village twenty minutes from you. He was given his own hut and asked to live a simple life of farming.

You couldn’t have imagine Bucky and farming together. Gathering your courage, you made your way to the village.

You were surprised to see two of your students, learning that this was where they lived. Trying to be discreet, you thought of a way to ask for directions to Bucky’s hut without making it obvious.

As one of your students stared at you fumbling to come up with right words, one of them took you by the hand and dragged you to follow him. The other one fell in steps behind you and soon, a single hut located on a low-lying field came into view.

There was a large space next to the hut dedicated for a fencing space for what seemed like farm animals. You spotted a few chickens, several goats and recognised another one of students from your class sitting casually on a branch of a big tree.

Your brows when you realised there was no one else until you felt your student patting your arm for your attention. You could feel your breath hitched when someone came into your line of sight from the corner of the hut.

Eyes blinking fast and heart racing wildly, you realised who it was. Taking long heavy strides, you could him leaning his weight on his right side as carried a heavy sack.

At a moment’s glance, you could see that his hair had grown longer and his beard had grown thicker. He had a brown scarf tied around his shoulder to his neck to cover where his metal arm once was.

He looks slightly tired but he no longer bore a shadow over his face. Even while standing far away, you could tell he looked happy and your heart warmed at the sight of a smile forming on his face when a small goat came over to him.

The goat was prodding at the sack that Bucky was carrying as if to tell him he was hungry and Bucky chuckled at how impatient the goat was acting like a small child.

How could he even have looked more beautiful than he already was?

“White Wolf! White Wolf!” Your two students started exclaiming as they ran down to where he was. During your time in Wakanda, you managed to pick up a bit of their language. You wondered why were they calling him that?

Your students gathered in front of him excitedly and Bucky’s face formed a confused look at their sudden enthusiasm. When you saw one of your students pointed in your direction, you panicked and started backing up.

You quickly turned your back and made a run for it, hoping Bucky have not spotted you. You were not ready to see him yet. What would you even say? How would you even react?

Quickly making you way back to your own hut, you threw yourself on your bed and groaned with frustration. You felt like an absolute idiot.

The next school day when you entered class, your students asked why you left early and you came up with an excuse that something came up at home.

Kids being kids, they didn’t think much of it and continued talking to you. As you listened, you learnt that Bucky had moved to their village for nearly two months and described him as a quiet but kind man who lets them hang out at his place whenever they want. 

Given the two of you are the only ‘foreigners’ that they knew, they had hoped to introduce you two. You chuckled at their sweet intentions, not knowing the two of you already knew each other.

After school session was over, you had made your way to the nearby marketplace and spotted something that caught your eyes.

As a guest, you were not required to pay but you insisted on paying the merchant with the allowance you were provided by the royal family. Grabbing the paper bag, you made your way back to the village where Bucky lived.

Your students hopped in joy when they saw you coming and ran up to you. Giving them hugs, you said your hellos. You then asked them if they could do something for you.

The eight-year olds nodded enthusiastically and you took out some plums you had gotten. You gave them one each and then shook the bag with the remaining ones before speaking.

“White Wolf.” You recalled their nickname for Bucky and tried to enunciate their native language to the best of your abilities. Before they sprinted off, you held their shoulders and brought a finger to your lips, making a shush sound.

You tried to explain to them that you did not want Bucky to know the plums came from you. Nodding their heads, you took it as sign as they understood before letting them go.

You hoped that it would have made him happy. When you meet your students again, they told you of how Bucky was happy with the plums. They claimed he finished one in two bites and mimicked how large he opened his mouth like a wolf.

You laughed at their dramatics and felt pleased with yourself. You then asked them if they knew Bucky goes to the market and they shook their heads. They then explain he does farm work most of the time and he cooks food that their mums or neighbours send him.

You processed the information and you came up with a plan. Requesting for an oven from Shuri (to which she threw a strange look your way upon the request), you decided to make and send Bucky some baked goods with the aid of your trusted little helpers.

It was your way of showing your care for him and you hoped he finds comfort in them. You always made sure to have your students come up with excuses to pass them to him, explaining that they learnt this during school and wanted to share with him some.

Yes, that should sound believable enough to not rouse suspicions.

You had your students sending food over twice a week for three weeks now. They helped you on the account that they adored you as their teacher and that they could help themselves to your treats.

You always looked forward to the next day when they would tell you how Bucky reacted and grinned foolishly when they told you Bucky always received your gifts with a smile.

You were simply content with this fact.

———————————————————————

Bucky Barnes had ever felt more at peace in a long time. He was eternally grateful to Princess Shuri who had ingeniously came up with a way to deprogram the brainwashing that HYDRA had ingrained in him.

When he first woke up, he was met with the wide smiles of Shuri and T’Challa who eagerly awaited his recovery. Following a few more tests, he was then cleared medically and T’Challa discussed with him on his next plans.

With Shuri and several Wakandan medical professionals’ input, they decided Bucky should have some time to unwind in a quieter village. He was accepting of the idea. When Shuri caught Bucky often looking around for something, she asked what’s wrong.

He asked for you. Shuri told him that what you were doing and he felt pleased at what you had been doing. He was glad you were safe and happy. When Bucky asked if you were coming to visit, Shuri had said that you wished Bucky would have some time to himself first.

Hearing Shuri said that, Bucky’s disappointed face mirror that of a wounded puppy. Bucky didn’t press on further. He knew you wanted the best for him and took it with an open-mind.

Shuri was bewildered at the entire situation. Aren’t the two of you suppose to run back into each other’s arms in some grand romantic gesture? Why were the two for you even acting this way?

Love was confusing and she was glad her love was only for science as it would not make her act all weird like the two of you.

When Bucky slowly settled into his new life, he asked for some farming supplies so that he focus his energy and attention into something productive. 

His day revolved around the mundane tasks of tending of his animals, chopping wood for the local villagers and growing his own food produce. However, Bucky could say that he was finally happy. 

Although there was something that would make him happier…. Bucky sometimes wondered what you were doing from time to time.

He could imagine you with your infectious smiles and energy, you were doing good with children. You deserved to be happy while he believed he shouldn’t. Although gradually lesser, Bucky sometimes still woke up to the horrors of his past actions. Bucky felt that he was not deserving of you.

As Bucky tried to distract himself of such thoughts, the sounds of children’s laughter and feet running made him looked up. In their excitement, the village children’s words came out as gibberish and he was having a hard time to understand what they were saying.

When one of them stretched their hand to point towards the slope, he saw a wave of dress fabric whisk by. Bucky was still trying to pick up the language and learn what the children were trying to say.

All he heard was a single word that he had yet to learnt.

“Teacher! Teacher!” The children kept on repeating while jumping up and down.

The next following day, Bucky was trying to brush off a nosy goat (who was the brunt of its litter) that kept on bothering as he went on to do his chores. He had named the goat Steve after it reminded him of his long-time pal.

His ears perked up when he heard the nickname that the village children had gave him. White Wolf, he learned from Shuri.

All of them had a fruit in one of their hands while one had carried an extra paper bag. The child pushed it towards his hands and he opened it up to see- plums.

The fruits brought him back to his memory of that very day. While it was a sad memory, he got over it and thanked the children. Bucky went on to ask where they got it from.

The children looked at him for a moment before shrugging their shoulders and running off to play. He brushed it off as a small kind gesture and took a big bite into the fruit. He didn’t know how a simple plum could have made his day.

The following days and weeks, the children returned back to his home bearing gifts. He was surprised to see familiar food from home such as bread, brownie and cookies.

His curiosity was peaked as these foods were not normally part of Wakanda’s culture and he wondered where the children had gotten it from. He tried to question the children the first few times and they had only returned sheepish grins before going off to play.

After the third time, one of the children said school and Bucky grew an even more confused. They got this from school? Or did they learn how to make this from school? There was something familiar about the baked goods that he received and he wondered when he had seen them.

———————————————————————

You woke up this morning with another plan. You had decided to bake bread loaves and have them delivered to Bucky. You were in your kitchens since this morning and the bread had been ready well after lunch time.

Wrapping them up, you made your way to the village and greeted several people you knew. One of your students immediately ran towards you when he saw what you carried in your hand.

You passed him the bread you made which he delightfully passed onto his mother who gave you a grateful smile. When you passed him a second bag, he immediately knew what you wanted him to do and headed off.

Normally, you would have turned and walked back home. However, curiosity had gotten the better of you. After hearing from your students how Bucky was delighted with your gifts, you were eager to see him in person.

Your eyes caught your student walking not far from you and you decided to follow behind. Soon, you saw him making his way down the gentle slope leading towards Bucky’s hut.

Bucky’s head tilted when he heard your student calling for him. You made sure to hide behind a nearby tree and peeked cautiously to take a look at Bucky.

Bucky can be seen with a toothy grin as he accepted the bag and patted their student’s head affectionately in thanks. Your heart leaped at the sight and a sense of satisfaction overcame you, leaving you in absolute glee.

What you did not expect while you were in self-bliss was a certain animal creeping up on you from behind. You jerked when a tug was felt from your side and you turned to see a small white goat nibbling at your bag. It must want the bread that you made but you could not it have it. Were goats even allowed to eat bread?

You tried to tug it from his bite but you realised he was very persistent and that you were having a hard time. It’s like it could do this all day as it became an apparent tug of war.

“Hey!” You involuntarily let out a scream as the animal start bleating aggressively. Weren’t goats supposed to be cute and friendly?

When you managed to have the final tug out of the goat’s mouth, you could not even rest for a moment as you saw the goat heading towards for you.

You instinctively ran in circles to throw the goat off your trail but it was pretty persistent. Boy, did it ran really fast too?

You wished you had super speed instead and start flailing as the goat bleated angrily while chasing you.

Your screams attracted the attention of Bucky who wondered what had happened. A woman’s scream was rarely heard in his part of the area and Bucky went to find the source of the sound.

Of all the scenarios that he could have imagined, Bucky had least expected you to see you running and screaming for what it seemed like your dear life. His eyes moved to see that Steve, his annoying runt of a goat was chasing you vehemently with a passion.

Bucky wanted to stop and laugh out loud at how terrified you look of Steve who barely stood at your waist level. When your eyes finally meet, you sped up and jumped onto Bucky who luckily was able to hold you steady even with one arm.

Circling your legs around his waist so that the goat would not be able to reach you, you made sure you wouldn’t fall by securing your arms around Bucky’s neck.

“Save me from this demon, Bucky!” You pouted and pleaded. Hearing the goat’s bleating coming nearer, you tightened your grip onto Bucky and looked over Bucky’s shoulder to see its beady eyes staring intently at the bag in your hands.

Bucky did not want to make of the situation as his senses first alerted him of how close you were to him. The two of you were chest to chest and he could your heart beating fast. Bucky breathed in your familiar scent that he didn’t knew he missed until now.

When he heard your whine once more, he was brought back to reality and started to catch up with how funny the scene was.

“You mean Steve?” Bucky chuckled in response to your previous statement.

“You name him, Steve?! Why would you do that? Steve is so sweet-” Pulling your face away from the crook of his neck, you came face to face with Bucky. You were nearly shocked by the little distance that lied between your faces and you recalled how much you missed his beautiful cerulean eyes.

Taking a nervous gulp, you also started blinking fast when you realise you were so close to Bucky that you could feel each other’s breath. Bucky locked you in hard stare as he didn’t speak, only using his eyes to communicate.

Your eyes broke contact with his and fleet to his pink lips for a moment. What were you doing? Bucky caught what you were doing and gulped nervously on his own. The tension between the two of you could be cut with a knife.

Your staring match was then cut off once again by Steve’s excessive bleating.

“Can he eat bread?” You asked him but Bucky was not out of his reverie of you and you had to ask once more to get his attention.

“Does Goat Steve eat bread?!”

“He eats anything-” Before Bucky could finish, you removed the hand that held the bag and threw it far from where you were. Goat Steve’s gaze followed to where the bag landed and he ran for it. With ease, he managed to prod his head into the bag and dragged the loaf of bread out. To start digging in

Seeing that your near-death crisis was over, you hesitantly push away from Bucky and he reluctantly let you down onto the ground. There was a moment of silence between the two of you as neither one of you knew what to say.

Standing awkwardly and looking anyway at each other, the both of you were frantically trying to come up with something to say.

“How are you?” The both of you spoke up at the same time. Your impeccable timing caused the both of you to laugh awkwardly before looking back at each other.

“I’m good.” The two of you answered at the same time once more and you two laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. Bucky nodded towards you to signal you to speak first.

“I see you are a farmer now.” Mentally slapping yourself, you couldn’t believe that was the first thing you had said to Bucky after he woke up from his cryogenic sleep.  

“And I heard you are a teacher now.” Bucky followed in response before widening his eyes in a sudden realization.

“The bread, the other baked stuff, it’s you. The children say they brought it from school. You’re a teacher so-” Putting the pieces together, Bucky realised you were the one who has been sending food to him. 

“Were the plums from you too?“

You looked down sheepishly in embarrassment, hand reaching to rub the back of your neck as you tried to come up with an explanation.

“Well, I just want to give you something and they say giving food is an act of love- I mean well not love but you know I want to make you happy so-”

“Why didn’t you give it to me yourself?” Bucky cut into your nervous rambling. You raised your head up to look at him and you swore you caught both hints of anticipation and disappointment lingering on his face.

“I didn’t want to disturb you. You should have some space to recuperate and I didn’t want to intrude-”

“Y/N, I don’t need space! I need you! You have no idea how much I wanted to see you after I woke up.” Bucky laughed at your explanation and stalked closer to you till you were chest to chest again.

You couldn’t believe what Bucky had said. You fidgeted nervously as you asked for confirmation once more. “You do?”

“Of course, doll. You are my everything.” Bucky raised his hand to caress the side of your face tenderly as he spoke.

A mix of emotions started to overwhelm you. You were moved by Bucky’s words but you suddenly felt immense guilt for making him think you abandoned him. A single tear cascaded down your cheeks as you willed yourself to look at him.

“I’m sorry, I never wanted you to feel that way. I missed you so much, I’m glad you’re back.” A smile formed on Bucky’s face when he heard your words. There had been so much longing between the two of you, so much unspoken feelings.

Now or never, you were ready to cross the line of this. Bringing both your hands up to cradle Bucky’s face gently, you smiled lovingly before you pushed your feet up to meet his lips.

Bucky suddenly wished he had his other arm back so that he can engulf you entirely; holding you so close that you would never leave. You took the kiss slow and gently, you wanted to savour this moment to the fullest after holding back for so long.

You pulled back from Bucky reluctantly and you steadied your heart before letting the words out.

“I love you, Bucky.”

The corner of his lips curved up at your confession. You loved him, you really did.

“I love you too, doll.” He spoke with such gentleness and sincerity that it had you smiling in equal enthusiasm. Bucky leaned in to kiss you once more, this time with longing and insatiable hunger.

You returned his fervour as your hands found their way from his chest to his neck and then to the sides of his face. The two of you pulled away to catch your breath and leaned your foreheads against each other’s.

Both of you mirrored each other with beaming wide smiles.

“Blehhhhhhh.” The two of you turned to see Goat Steve looking at the both of you with what it seems like a happy expression.

“Is he actually smiling?” You laughed as Goat Steve let out a happy sounding bleat.

“He’s a punk.” Bucky remarked with a laugh before turning back to looking at your laughing face fondly.

He was happy to have found you, his love.

———————————————————————

[quietrainfan]

Unsymptober Day 6: Mind Control

Trigger Warnings: Unsympathetic Patton, Mind Control, Forced self harm, Blood, Knives, Dehumanization, Verbal/Emotional/Physical abuse, Gaslighting.

Note: Beginning is after Accepting Anxiety and end is after DWIT.

Once Virgil had formed an understanding with the Light Sides, he felt a weight lifted off his shoulders. Of course this didn't mean all of their feuds were resolved. There was still the issue of Janus and Remus needing Thomas to be aware of them and accepting them as facets of his personality. Not to mention the tense relationship between them and the Light Sides. Hopefully, though, this could lead to the Lights to open up to the idea of understanding Janus and Remus as well. 

 

The anxious side opened the door that served as a barrier in the mind palace between the Darks and Lights. Virgil couldn't help the amused smirk that stretched across his lips as the spooky- most would call absolutely terrifying- sound echoed from inside the long pitch black hallway, confirming that the thing entering was another Dark Side. Janus had put a protective spell on their door that had been there- since forever, really- as a precaution in case the Lights tried to sneak in. It was strong enough that even Virgil had a difficult time getting in every once in a while. Thankfully, though, Janus could sense when it was him and can let him in at any time. 

 

Virgil shut the door behind him, the usual yellow glow around the rimms flashed for a brief second before disappearing, leaving the anxious side in complete blackness. The lengthy hallway was freezing and there were always sounds of...something growing along the walls. Virgil was able to proceed without a care, though. Maybe it was because his purple irises that were made to help him see in the dark automatically switched on by instinct or that he was just used to the atmosphere of the Dark Side home. Probably both. 

 

"Hey, hey! Look who's home! Say, Dee, ya think I should melt into the wall and try and spook 'im when he gets to the living room?!~"

 

"You do realize he can hear you, Remus. It wouldn't be much of a surprise. And no, I've already spoken to you about melting into the walls."

 

"Aw, you're no fun!"

 

Virgil rolled his eyes, the smirk never leaving his face at the familiar voices echoing in the distance. He finally made it to the aforementioned common room and waved at the two taller figures waiting for him. 

 

"I'm home.", Virgil greeted, letting out an 'oof' as Remus wrapped an aggressive- but affectionate- arm around his shoulders.

 

"Hey there, tiny! Took ya long enough!", The creative side pulled him closer for a rough noogie, laughing as Virgil tried to break free to no avail. 

 

"Augh, Remus! Let go!"

 

"How did it go today? I hope they didn't give you too much trouble.", Janus approached the two shorter sides with crossed arms.

 

 His voice was even and calm but Virgil could tell Janus was on the defensive, for his sake, against the Lights. He always was when he returned. The things Virgil told him of his experience with them had his protective elder brother mode cranked up to a million. 

 

Virgil snapped out of his annoyance towards Remus at the question, "Uh...yeah, about that. We need to talk."

 

"What did they do?", Remus had loosened his grip on Virgil a bit, his tone quickly went from playful to low and dangerous. Which prompted Virgil to explain before he did anything that would reverse all the progress they made. 

 

"N-Nothing! Well- not nothing but….", The anxious side saw their eyes narrow and he cleared his throat, freeing himself from Remus's embrace, standing up straight and rubbing his neck nervously, "Uh, so- They kind of...accepted me? They came looking for me and we talked. Thomas is no longer resisting my spot at the discussion table."

 

Remus scoffed, "Yeah, right. After all that?"

 

"I was skeptical at first, too.", Virgil admitted, "But they really made a genuine effort to understand me."

 

The creative side wasn't buying it, turning to Janus. The deceitful side nodded, "From what I can tell he's being truthful, Remus. And I doubt he'd speak of it if he didn't feel like all of this was for certain."

 

Virgil was calmed by Janus's ever present rationality. But he knew this conversation wasn't over. "Although", He began again, "I am curious about what they said about the rest of us."

 

The anxious side bit his lip. 

 

Janus's expression softened, "It's alright. Take your time."

 

Virgil sighed, "They-well, Roman, really- said that I was nothing...compared to you guys."

 

Remus chuckled bitterly, leaning against the wall, "Fucking typical. What'd I tell you?"

 

"I understand and trust me, share your anger, Remus. But they were not only willing to hear Virgil out but also came looking for him after he, to them at least, went missing.", Janus turned back to Virgil, "Remember that this is for Thomas's sake and working as a unit is far more efficient than doing it separately. Regardless of how...strained our family ties are."

 

Virgil responded with a smile which the taller side returned. He knew Janus would be understanding but it was still relieving to hear out loud. The deceitful side was known to be incredibly protective of all of them and unapologetic about his opinion towards the Lights. But thankfully that didn't mean he wasn't unwilling to make amends, provided they offered the same courtesy. 

 

"So we're letting them in just like that?", Remus protested.

 

Janus laughed, "Absolutely not. I'm not going to let go of all the bitterness I feel simply because they were nice once to one of us. They have quite a ways to go to earn my trust and even longer to earn my respect.", He layed a gentle hand on Virgil's shoulder, "But what happened is worth noting."

 

Remus hummed, still skeptical of the whole thing, "We're going to still have to worm our own way in. Plus Thomas isn't even conscious of us yet."

 

Janus nodded, "Naturally. We can't just have our stormcloud being the middle-man for us forever.", A fond smile stretched on his face at Virgil's small grunt in response to his pet name.

 

"Eh, whatever.", Remus sighed, "You're the boss. If it means I can get my ideas heard, I don't really care how."

 

"Very good.", Janus clasped his hands together, "Now, it's been a long day. We'll discuss this further in the morning."

 

The three sides separated for the evening. Virgil distinctly remembered the following morning. They had started discussing ways to ease Thomas into accepting the parts of himself that he blocks out and working from there to get the others to follow suit. Virgil still had the memory of the last thing he said to them. 

 

"I certainly hope any of these scenarios will work. Virgil, are you sure about this?"

 

"Yeah, no worries. Leave it to me. I just don't want you guys to have to hide anymore."

 

Leave it to me. 

 

He had said. And he meant it. He would've followed through with his promise but he didn't anticipate the situation he managed to get himself into. 

 

Virgil was speaking to Patton while they got together for a movie marathon. Everything happened so fast. He brought up the Dark Sides, their recent reconciliation, and the possibility of them being able to come to an understanding since he was accepted. Before he could read Patton's expression as his smile fell, Virgil...felt something change in him. The anxious side wasn't able to decipher what at the time but by the time he had, it was already too late. 

 

"I don't think you should trust them, kiddo. Stay with us."

 

That was all he said. Virgil opened his mouth to try and defend the others, try to convince Patton that it was possible for everyone to get along. But the words died in his throat. What came out instead shocked the anxious side.

 

"You're right, Patton. I'm so glad to finally be away from them. Thanks for...embracing me and giving me a proper family.", Virgil had a hard time processing what he said. He hadn't meant a single word of it yet his tone, body language, and expression reflected his words perfectly. 

 

"Your welcome, kiddo.", Patton smiled warmly at him. 

 

"I didn't mean any of that. Patton, the others can be trusted, you guys just need to give them a chance."

 

"Honestly, I don't know why I stayed with them for so long. All they did was cause trouble and made me miserable.", A spiteful growl left Virgil's lips. 

 

The anxious side thought he saw Patton's warm smile fade slightly. 

 

"Maybe because you didn't have any other option.", Patton smiled sadly, "We didn't give you any. We had no idea how horrible you had it. But now we do and there's no need to worry anymore. We won't let them hurt you."

 

The moral side placed a comforting hand on his knee, "I promise."

 

"They've never hurt me! I was perfectly fine! I just wanted respect. And they deserve the same!"

 

"I'm….still afraid, Pat.", Virgil mentally swore. What the hell was going on?!

 

"I know. But I'll always be here. And so will Roman and Logan."

 

"Thanks. That makes me feel a little better.", Virgil finally returned his smile. 

 

"No, you all are part of the problem. I'll never feel comfortable if I have to choose between two halves of my family!"

 

His true feelings were locked up nice and tight. Virgil learned very quickly that what he actually thought was met with consequences. Nasty ones. Patton pulled him aside after everyone had fallen asleep. 

 

"I'm sure you've caught on by now, Virgil.", The moral side said simply, "Unfortunately, as I predicted, you aren't weak enough to convince completely. You still have some free will in there. You Dark Sides really are a pain."

 

He adjusted his glasses with a sigh but smiled brightly nonetheless, "But that's a-okay! I've got a little back up! If you're going to be our family Virgil, I'll have to set some rules first!", Patton handed him a small pocket knife, "Hurt yourself."

 

Virgil blinked at the request. Patton's sweet smile remained, "For every forbidden thought you have, you are to hurt yourself with varying severity."

 

The anxious side's blood went cold. Judging by his expression, Patton wasn't kidding. "Hmm, since you had three forbidden thoughts today, let's start off with three wounds. Do it.", He commanded. 

 

Virgil's hand moved, despite him trying to fight back against the urge forced on him. He reached for his face, ready to cut just below his eye but the moral side caught his wrist, guiding it back down. 

 

"Ah, ah, kiddo. Not on areas where others can see.", Patton purred, "We wouldn't raise suspicion now, would we?"

 

He guided the anxious side's hand down further. , "Here. Your stomach. I think there's a good start."

 

Patton released him, watching as Virgil lifted his shirt. "Under your belly button, Virge. Since you had the guts to bring them up in a positive light."

 

Virgil's teeth sank into his bottom lip as he penetrated his skin, dragging it along to the other side, hot blood already beginning to soak his lower half.

 

"Your chest now, kiddo. One under and one in the center."

 

Virgil complied, holding back a scream as the excruciating pain shot through him. Patton let it drag on, taking his sweet time in telling him to stop. 

 

"Okey dokey!~ That's enough for now.", Patton clapped. 

 

Virgil stopped on command. He made a mess, though it was nothing compared to the agony he felt. His blood was still gushing out of him, the sight, the pain, made him burst into quiet tears. 

 

Patton's smile remained but he rolled his eyes, "Oh, hush. You're a Dark Side, you've had worse and those wounds will heal almost right away.", The moral side pat his cheek, "Now go clean up and head to bed. We have some filming to do tomorrow."

 

Patton began to walk away but stopped briefly, "Oh, and welcome to the family!"

 

With that, he left. 

 

From then on Virgil was forced to treat the Dark Sides exactly how Patton did. He didn't know how long Patton had him under control but it was apparently it was long enough that Janus had decided to take things into his own hands and make an appearance. Virgil was so overwhelmed with joy, he had completely forgotten the situation he was trapped in. 

 

"Dee! I'm so happy to see you!"

 

"Anyone who doesn't understand that should just shut up.", Virgil felt sick to his stomach. No, no!

 

The hurt on Janus's face filled him with so much guilt, "Virgil...it's me.", He said with an uncertain, broken voice, pointing to himself. , "Aren't we friends?"

 

"Of course we are! More than that, we're family!"

 

Virgil scoffed, "I'm not so sure we are."

 

Janus proceeded in his attempt to convince Thomas on his own and all Virgil could do was sit there, wishing he could scream that he didn't mean it.

 

Eventually, Janus being the clever snake he was, found his own way of having his voice heard. Virgil was happy, proud even but the guilt he felt was awful. If he had been there, this transition period would have been a lot smoother and they could've worked on it together. 

 

Patton was having none of it. The more obvious it became that the Dark Sides were getting closer to their goal, the more he doubled down on Virgil behaving more and more cruel forcing him to take his side at every turn. 

 

And every time Virgil wanted to shout that he was being controlled. That he didn't mean a word of it. He desperately wanted to embrace Janus and Remus and apologize for every nasty thing he was forced to say to them. 

 

And every time he thought that way, Patton punished him. There was nothing he could do. He may be stuck like this forever, regardless if the others were accepted or not. Patton would find a way to use him to undo all their progress. 

 

----

 

"Virgil really just abandoned us all and cozied up to ol' four eyes, huh?", Remus snarled with disgust. 

 

Janus hummed with agreement, resting his chin on his conjoined fingers, "Yes, it seems so.", He turned to the shorter side, "You know why, right?"

 

Remus kicked the chair next to him, " 'Course. I ain't fucking stupid! But what are we going to do? Personally, I just want to charge in there and beat the shit out of him until he lets Virgil go. But I'm guessing you're looking for something more tactful."

 

Janus, "Leave it to me, Remus. We'll go with the original plan of getting the other's defenses down."

 

"And Virgil?"

 

"We'll set him free, rest assured. But as you said we can't just rush into this. There's also the subject of demasking Patton's true nature. We'll have to settle that first if we want a solution long term."

 

"It sounds like Virgil's going to have to hang in there for awhile.", Remus gripped his sleeve in frustration. 

 

"Yes, with you watching over him."

 

Remus blinked, surprised. 

 

Janus merely smirked, "I trust you can protect him as much as possible in the meantime. Just...try not to be too obvious. I don't want to put our stormcloud in any further danger."

 

Remus beamed, pounding his chest proudly, "Roger that, cap!"

 

"Good.", Janus turned away from his younger sibling with a frown, "It'll be a long road but eventually, he will pay."

 

The deceitful side looked down, rubbing his thumb along the old hoodie Virgil had left behind. "Stay strong, Virgil."

@unsympathetic-october-2020

[howemancing]

WIP Wednesday?

I was tagged by @dalishkadan​. I tag uh. @thedascharlatan​, @allisondraste​,  This is somewhat a sneak preview for my main fic, but I’m also not sure I’m gonna keep it - it’s an intense chapter and this might be a little too off the main point of the chapter. It’s WIP, so clearly editing hasn’t happened yet. A flashback scene in progress - maybe the last I’ll do for awhile?

Elsa Cousland, 9 years ago

 Grey eyes stared at me, stony, cold, and full of threat. My throat felt suddenly drier; what had I done to piss Nathaniel off this time? It had been a long time since I’d made him so genuinely angry.

My grip tightened on my daggers, holding them ready. I could see him do likewise, eyes narrowed.

“You can do this, pup,” Father cheered me from the sidelines.

Rendon chuckled, casting a sidelong glance. “Are you so certain she needs the encouragement, my lord?”

Papa clapped him on the back cheerfully. “Probably not, old friend, but a father can’t help be proud of their child. I admit, I’m rooting against yours, now.”

Rendon chuckled, but my focus was back on Nathaniel, who was openly scowling at this point.

“Are you...alright?” I asked, hesitant.

“Focus on the match,” he chided me immediately. Which, rude, but he wasn’t wrong.

I nodded, getting into a ready stance. 

“Begin,” Rendon’s voice snapped out.

In a flash, Nathaniel came at me harder than I’d ever seen before. The ferocity of it almost made me lose the match right there, but a particularly aggressive moment on his part left a wide opening I could brutally punish with a kick, buying myself a moment of breath.

“Attagirl, Pup!” Father called cheerfully, while Nathaniel scowled harder.

I stared at him, trying to divine what was wrong, but after a moment, realized it didn’t matter. Father was here. Father was going to decide if I’d learned anything after all. I had to prove myself, prove that I hadn’t wasted my years, that I wasn’t the silly, frivolous girl Rendon thought I was. 

Everything was riding on this moment. I wouldn’t let even Nathaniel stand in my way.

I met his eyes, then, determined. In his own I saw understanding - and, confusingly, hurt. Clearly I’d erred somehow, but I’d have to find out why, later. This match mattered. And if Nathaniel wanted to bring his all to stop me, well, I could appreciate the challenge. And I’d rise above it.

Unusually for us, no taunts were exchanged, no words spoken. Nathaniel’s practice daggers flashed out, continuously intent on striking the killing blows which would end the match.  I ducked and wove around them. Thomas had given me more than enough training in someone who just wanted to do whatever it took to stop me. Coming from Nathaniel, it was surprising, but - this was Nathaniel. 

I was missing something, and as much as I wanted to focus, my brain couldn’t help pick apart the knot of whatever was wrong with my friend. It took me a moment, but finally I realized - he just wanted to push me, to give me every chance in the world of showing off exactly how much I had learned.

A savage grin took me, finally stumbling upon this realization, and the last chain holding me back fell away. Nathaniel was holding nothing back. Why should I? 

I struck out, sliding my dagger in between the gaps in his defense I’d noted, beginning to score on him more and more. His frustrations only seemed to grow, which I didn’t quite understand, but it didn’t matter. The match was steadily turning in my favor. Nathaniel usually had a plan, and tended to get easily unsettled when things threw him off - and grumpy, too. 

I could use that.

One particularly keen moment locked us, and I felt him trying to bear his entire strength down on me, which felt a bit unfair, as he had 5 years and a few stone on me. 

“I’ve always admired you,” I said quietly, and his eyes widened, startled. I used that moment, hooking out a leg and breaking his stance.

“But I won’t let you stop me,” I finished, shoving hard at the right moment, forcing his stumble back.

It was enough of a weakness, and I pounced, practice daggers flashing faster then they ever had before. A particular energy had taken hold of me. Rendon had never believed in me, but couldn’t I prove myself, now? I was good. I was very good, I knew I was. Nathaniel believed in me - why else would he come after me so hard? I would show them all.

Nathaniel, my rival, my best friend (with Delilah!), the boy I’d been silly enough to have a crush on, thankfully one I was finally getting over. But he was smart, talented, and I would prove I was his equal. No, that I was better. Maybe there were some things he could still beat me in, and he was probably a better rogue than me, but like Thomas always said, I was a freakishly violent girl. I could do this.

It wasn’t easy. He was probably my fiercest challenge to date. But in the end, I was more prepared for his ferocity than he was mine, and the match ended when I dumped him on his butt and slammed forward, dagger hovering at his neck.

My father let out a loud whoop, but Nathaniel just squeezed his eyes shut in frustration. And it began to occur to me that Nathaniel very much hadn’t wanted to lose.

“Ashes, Nate, what’s wrong?” I muttered, dagger still hovering, hesitant, at his neck.

“Nothing,” he lied, refusing to meet my eyes. “Congratulations on your victory.”

Father congratulated me with a whoop and a fierce hug, which squished all the giggles out of me as I clung right back to him. 

“Didja see, didja see-?” I began, and father laughed louder, kissing my cheek.

“Old friend, you’ve trained her wonderfully,” he congratulated my mentor.  “Better than your own son, I noticed!”

“Thank you, my lord,” Rendon replied evenly. Nathaniel stood up, brushing himself off, looking bitter.

Oh.  Oh.

Sod it all. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I found him later by our tree, angrily chucking stones into the lake.

“Hey,” I said hesitantly, unsure. He had to be aware of my approach, and yet he’d said nothing.

“Good match,” he said evenly, chucking another stone.

“What’s-”

“Nothing’s wrong,” he asserted immediately, lying. 

I stamped a foot. “Nate,” I objected, stealing the next stone before he could chuck it. He blinked, looking at his hands, before glancing to me, sighing.  

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I’m being an ass.”

“A little,” I agreed solemnly, and he scowled, before a rueful expression took his face. “But I was an ass too, I shouldn’t’ve-”

“This isn’t your fault,” he interrupted me quietly. “Honestly. You did - you did everything right.”

“So what’s-”

“I’ll miss you,” he told me, and it was excuse enough; I launched myself at him and hugged him tightly. 

“I’m not gone, you goose, just going home,” I pointed out. “You can visit me any time. You and Delilah. In fact, I insist!”

He chuckled faintly, reverberating his ribcage pleasantly, arms tightening around me. It began to provoke inconvenient feelings in me, so I disengaged. He sighed, shoulders slumping as he allowed it, eyes drifting to the lake. “It’s...going to be a little hard to visit, soon,” he said gently. 

“See, that’s why you should come in late fall, and then, oops! Guess you can’t travel and you’ll have to stay in Highever all winter,” I informed him cheerfully.  “I can’t wait to show you everything, home is so pretty, and our hounds are WAY better, and we have so many beautiful trees, and...hey. Why do you look so glum?”

His hands twitched, and for a concerning second, I thought he wanted to fold me into another hug. 

I probably wouldn’t have resisted, which said something about me. I really needed to explain to Nathaniel to stop flirting so much, but - it was my fault, really, for getting carried away, and anyway, it wouldn’t matter, soon, right?

But instead he just shrugged helplessly. “I...don’t think that will work,” he claimed, and I sighed. Neither he nor Delilah were keen to visit me, and I didn’t really understand why, but letting them know I was hurt would just be rude.

 “Of course,” I said simply. “Well, I hope you’ll find the time to visit me at some point.”

“You’ll still visit us, right?”

I gave him a wan smile. “Any time, Nate. Just...just ask.”

“Ok. Ok, then,” he said quietly. A faint smile crinkled his eyes, which seemed - stormier than usual. “You did amazingly, today.”

“YEAH I did,” I crowed gloriously, pleased he had recognized as much. 

“I bet so many nobles are going to want to marry you, now that you’re going back home,” he pointed out, and I shoved him, hard.

“I’ll make you eat dirt again, I will,” I threatened him.

He chuckled, faintly, and with a surprising lack of grace for Nathaniel, plopped down on the ground, and after a moment, I came to sit next to him. “I’ve dreaded this day for so long,” he confided in me. And I blinked. 

Then sighed. Damn these boys and their damnable pride. “Nathaniel, you’re still a much better rogue than me,” I admitted, words galling, but he deserved the honesty. “If you’d had real daggers, if you’d wanted to kill me - th’match would have been over much quicker. I just went for your weaknesses and tricked victory out of you.”

“Elsa!” he said, shocked. “I don’t-”

“Want to hurt me, I know,” I groused, rolling my eyes. “I just mean - I’m gonna have an advantage in friendly matches. ‘Specially against people I know. But when it counts, if you were up against a real bad guy...well, I’m very glad we’re friends, is all.”

“You wouldn’t have to leave if we were engaged!” he burst out. 

I stared at him. And blinked. And fought the sudden tears in my eyes. Dang rogues, why did he always have to go for my weakest parts?

“Oh - oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-” he said quickly

I laughed, forced. “Don’t joke like that, Nate, it’s rude.”

“I…” he said, trailing off. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

“I forgive you,” I told him immediately.

“Liar,” he whispered. “I keep hurting you and you keep forgiving me, and-”

“Nate,” I breathed, aggrieved. “You’re making a big deal out of it. Stop. I said I forgive you and I mean it. You’re my friend, I don’t - I don’t want to be mad at you.”

“Oh.”  

Silently we sat, staring at the water before us, Nathaniel a gloomy cloud next to me.

“I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished here,” I said quietly, wishing my friend would just be happy for me. “Even if  - even if your dad thinks I’m silly, I’m - I’ve learned a lot. And I’m happy I’m going home. I missed my family, Nate,” I said quietly. 

He hunched over, lower.  “Oh. Maker. I’m such a selfish ass.” 

Considering he was getting all contrary about visiting me and expected me to drop everything and visit him - “You are,” I agreed.

His scowl deepened, and somehow the shadows seemed to grow. “Are you going to forgive me for that too?”

I snorted, giving him a sidelong look, assuming he was teasing, but he just glared ahead. “Only if you come visit,” I teased him.

A spark of life appeared in his eyes, then. “Ok. That’s fair.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

He never did end up visiting me, but he had a pretty good excuse. Not long after I left I got a letter, informing me he was going to go all the way to Starkhaven to start knight training. I may have thrown myself onto the bed and sobbed a bit when I read that. But he asked me to come visit to see him off, and there was really only one response.

Seeing the Howes again was fun, though of course Thomas challenged me to a sparring match right away and the cad tried to turn it into overly touchy wrestling. Unluckily for him, I suddenly remembered I didn’t have to care about pissing him off too much such that he’d whine to his father, so I simply caught him in an unforgiving headlock and choked him out, dropping him unceremoniously to the dirt when I finished. 

Delilah claimed time, as apparently Nathaniel was getting his clothes fixed by Adraia, and had borrowed Helma from Delilah as well, so she found it only fair to borrow me. 

We  laughed and giggled and swapped stories about Nathaniel, both of us keen to avoid admitting how much we’d miss him. 

“Did you ever tell him how you used to feel?” Delilah asked me. 

I rolled my eyes. “I’m over it, Delilah, what’s the point in bringing that old story up?” 

“I guess,” Delilah agreed, flouncing back on her bed, legs kicking out. “It’s still be cute though.”

I giggled. “You’re such a silly romantic,” I teased her. “What do you want me to do, write a love letter?”

“Elsa, no!” she protested, offended.

“Oh dearest Nate, my heart yearns the hardest, it burns so burningly,” I began performatively.

“Elsaaaaa!” she whined, standing up and stamping her foot. “You can’t confess through letters, that’s just wrong.”

“Didn’t what’shiface confess to what’sherface through a letter?” I pointed out slyly. 

“Exactly,” Delilah agreed. “It went TERRIBLY. See-”

I quickly waved my hands in surrender. “No, please, don’t try to tell me about that book more, it’s rotting your brain.” 

“I’m just saying,” Delilah pouted. “You’re friends. You shoulda told him properly, is all.”

I giggled. “I’m glad I didn’t. That would have been SO mortifying.”

“But-”

“Lilah, c’mon.” My eyes slid from hers, and her mouth snapped shut, apparently my tone was more serious than I meant to reveal. “I’m not as brave as you think I am.”

She sighed, and came to sit next to me, arm around my shoulder, and we sat in silence. “I’ll miss him.”

Tears welled in my eyes, and with effort, I forced them back. “Me too,” I whispered.