#I just had a thought I feIt needed to put down

[faneposting-my-beloved]

Okay ugh another rant but hear me out

I came to the conclusion that Larian is ashamed. Ashamed of their earlier non-dos2 titles. Before that, they were a small studio, more often than not STRUGGLING to make the ends meet. But they made their games out of passion. And it showed.

Now, none of the old Divinities ever got great grades (and I speak exclusively about the numbers since when reviews came around, the games were often praised!) Be it the western approach to success, be it Swen's personal bias - numbers didn't satisfy him. I know he used to read the written reviews for DD in magazines, I wonder where he stopped. Regardless - in the eyes of the generalized, numbered metric divinities were never enough. Larian also struggled as they were with founding, employee rotation, and so on. But they released games. Groundbreaking (sometimes), good (more than often) games despite the less-than-ideal circumstances. To preface, I am a historian first. I know in today's landscape it's uncommon, but when I take something into consideration, the 'workshop' of my thoughts, I look at the thing with all available context. How? When? Why? With what result? Games are art, games are the most perfect form of art. In no other medium can you read a book, listen to music and look at a painting all within the body of a singular piece. And we should look at games as we look at art. Not disembodied, self-happening identity. Games are made by people, games have a history, and games have context. I know it's not within the 'craftsmanship' to look at the whole PROCESS of a game's creation when it comes to a review. But honestly? I think sometimes we should look at it as something more than trivia for the most devoted of fans. It is history in the making, after all. Some people judge a painting by itself, without knowing its author, region of creation, its history. They judge the technique, the composition, and the colors. All is well and good, but this is only the tip of the iceberg of knowledge that this particular piece represents. Why was x technique used? Why y composition and not z composition? History is context. Context is simply required to understand, if not flawlessly, since we can't recreate a person's train of thought, then at least as closely as humanly possible to understanding. We admire artists who improved their workshops despite poverty, wars, or simply bad luck. Struggling is not a blemish, it's the finish. I truly believe there still should be consumer-oriented reviews. I do, but I'd never pretend they bring everything there is to know about their subject. But I strongly believe there should be also in-depth reviews that take the entire underbelly of game dev and show it to the common joe. For education, and maybe managing our own expectations. Returning to the cause of Larian, I think they find their history unfavourable to the customer. After all, who wants to buy something from a company that almost went bankrupt two times? Well, I sure would. Stories of perseverance and humble beginnings are not a flaw. They show strength and determination. They show the real worth. Now, in their attempt to appear spotless, Larian cut ties with nearly everything pre-2017. There is no love for the fanbase, there is no love for their own WORK. This, perhaps, is why dos1 and 2 (but especially dos2) are so wildly detached from their roots. [Although dos2 during its early and Kickstarter-era ideas pulled from them greedily.] This is a love letter to old Divinities, and the Larian Studio of old, which joked about returning glass coca-cola bottles back to shop for a little coin. Your history matters, your struggle matters, and what you managed to conceive despite everything - matters the most. Sources: [Divinity: Original Sin Documentary | Gameumentary https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZF_cP_oLH4] [The Making of Divinity: Original Sin 2 | Gameumentary https://youtu.be/A_wKAmBEa8Q]

[Making of Divinity II https://youtu.be/0taS-fDxbMQ]

[moral-turpitudes]

Drowning:

Trigger Warnings: Angst, Swearing, Guns, Neglect, etc.

Word Count: 2,400

Characters: Thomas Shelby x Shelby!Sister 

I’ve wanted to try my hand at OC’s for a while so her name is Evelyn Shelby lol.

Request: “Hey! Maybe one with Thomas were he kind of forgets that his little sister actually has feelings. He keeps on using her as bait for the business and one day she snaps, pointing a gun to her head. Just an angst fic. Love your writing so much. xx”

Requested by: Anon

Summary: Years after returning from London and agreeing to help out her family, Evelyn Shelby soon comes to terms with the horrors of her job and hopes someone can help her see the good she’s done for the family, even if it means talking to her ever-distant brother Thomas.

“That’ll be 3 pounds Mr.” The third youngest Shelby said quietly, grabbing her hand gun from her purse while the man looked away, giving her enough time to slip her coat on over her bare body, and hiding the gun in her pocket.

“I’ll give you 5 if you tell Mr. Shelby I’m coming for him tomorrow, I know you’ve seen him around here.” The man said, his breath reeking of whiskey as he whispered in her ear.

Shivers went down her spine as the man touched her face. He caressed her cheek roughly before moving away from her, placing two extra bills on the bed before heading to the door.

“Wait, I forgot to tell you something...” She said as he stopped to turn around. He smirked, eyeing her up and down as she walked towards him.

“You won’t be seeing anyone.” She said, giving him a wicked smile as she quickly pulled the gun out and shot the man point blank. As he fell to the floor with a loud thud, blood dripped down her face and bare chest as she looked at the mess of the bedroom.

Tommy saved this area of the Garrison for when anyone in the family needed a place to stay or a place to fuck, and tonight was her night to use the room as she pleased, all in the name of blinder business.

She walked over to the en-suite bathroom, looking at her haggard reflection in the mirror. Blood glinted off her face and chest in the dimly lit room, her makeup was smeared in some areas, and her hair was in a messy bun of sorts.

As she glanced silently in the mirror, she lit a cigarette, letting the smoke escape through her lips before curling it back through her nose, desperately needing to calm her nerves as she thought about the past couple years.

After her brothers left for war, she left for London, leaving Ada and Polly to care for Finn in order to start her life on her own terms for once, knowing she couldn’t stay out in Small Heath like the others as it held too many memories. But when she eventually got news of her brothers coming home, she knew she couldn’t leave them, especially after their mother’s death and their fathers sudden departure.

As the memories came flooding back, she remembered that she took this job to help them and to spend more time with them, but it only took a toll on her as time went on.

On the outside, she remained calm much like her older brother Tommy, but on the inside she was drowning. Drowning in the darkness that consumed her thoughts when she was near her brothers, thinking that if she’d succumb to the waves, that no one would be there to pull her out, not unless they were forced to. The only ones who paid her any mind these days were Polly and Finn, as Ada was out with her son most days and the boys were out wreaking almost as much havoc as she was.

As she finished her cigarette, she dabbed some of the blood off her face and chest, realizing there weren’t many wash cloths to use.

“Fuck it.” She mumbled under her breath as she quickly got dressed and put her bloodstained coat back on. Her dress was wrinkled and torn where the man had roughly gone for her chest, not having any sense in his drunken state.

With light footsteps she padded over to the bed to strap on her heels, and grabbed the money as she headed for the door, avoiding the puddle of blood and stepping over the mans body.

Her heels clicked down the stairs as she made her way through the back hall of the Garrison, the bar seemingly empty except for her brother Tommy.

“What are you doing here?” She asked, almost no emotion in her voice as she spoke from tired lips, a cut from a few hours before making itself known as she remembered the man slapping her for being too “bossy” when explaining her rates like rehearsed.

“I’m here to drink, Evelyn. I’m also here to collect that mans body so I don’t have to deal with it tomorrow.”

“Tommy Shelby, getting his hands dirty? I thought that was for Arthur these days. What about uncle Charlie? You seem to have enough blood on your hands already.” She remarked, sitting down across from him at the booth and looking at his bloodied knuckles. He scoffed as he took a swig of his whiskey, the smell of it making her stomach churn slightly.

“Did he do that?” Tommy said, an angry look filling his eyes as he looked at the cut on her lip.

“What do you think?” She said putting out her cigarette as she blew out a final puff of smoke.

“It’s a good thing he’s already dead.” He said, looking out the window and avoiding his sisters tired gaze.

“How was the family meeting? I wasn’t invited apparently.” She remarked, ripping him out of his thoughts.

“I’m not doing this, Ev we talked about this.” He said rolling his eyes at her as he sat back in the seat, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I just want to know why in the hell you include everyone except me in the meetings. I want to know why you make time for everyone except me...Tell me. Now.” She demanded, her heart racing and face flushing with anger as her temper flared. Her eyes eerily mimicked her brothers as she looked at him.

Tommy sighed as he spoke, choosing his words carefully.

“We think that limiting your attendance at meetings can be good for you. We’re just wanting to protect our sister.” He said.

Evelyn scoffed as she took the bottle of whiskey in her hand, drinking straight from the bottle.

“You think you’re protecting me but you’re not. One day Tommy...one fucking day you’ll realize that I’m valuable to this god forsaken family as more than a whore. You can pull that shit with the others about what’s best for us but you’re not pulling that with me.” She said taking another cigarette out of her coat and lighting it herself as she continued.

“I want to be here, believe me I do, but not being let in on what’s happening doesn’t help as much as you think it does. I barely know what’s going on unless you come to me personally...If you cared about me, you wouldn’t cast me out as the fucking bait of the family and then leave me hanging.” She said, tears threatening to fall down her blood stained cheeks.

“You’re helping with the business because it’s in your blood, Evelyn. We’re family, and we’re paying you more than you could back in London. Would you want to abandon us?” He asked, getting defensive.

“What difference would it make Tommy? I’m no more valuable to you dead or alive. I just lure the men you can’t kill right away and I don’t get any recognition for that. I’ve killed 20 men since I’ve moved back to help the family and I can remember each of their faces.” She said, looking away from him annoyed.

“Don’t you get tired of seeing their faces haunting you?” She asked, taking another swig from the bottle, the alcohol burning her cut lip as she swallowed.

“I stopped seeing their faces a long time ago Ev, and you need to as well. This is why we’ve been keeping you out of the business most days.” He said taking the bottle from her grasp.

“I’m sitting here still covered in his blood, I’m sitting here after another night with a drunken evil man and I’m disgusted Thomas...I feIt nothing when I shot him.” She said, her fingers grazing the metal of the hand gun in her pocket.

“You know how you said you felt like you were drowning when you came home from France?” She asked.

“Well I feel like that too, but no ones dared to ask how I've been. I’ve always been the last in command. Hell, fucking Finn has more say in this family than I do.” She said, putting the gun to her head shakily. Tommy froze inside, barely being able to speak at first.

“Evelyn...listen to me...your work has helped us, we’ve just been too busy to stop and fucking think about anything else. Who was the person that cheered me up when Arthur and John and I got home aye? It was you. Not Ada, not Finn, just you. If you’re drowning...I’d like to help, if you’ll let me...” He said, looking into his sisters eyes that were almost a reflection of his.

With a sigh she set the gun on the table, sliding it to Tommy. He immediately put it in his coat and stood up.

“What are you doing?” She asked, running her hands over the dried blood down her cheek.

“We’re going to talk about this and I’m going to clean you up.” He said, lighting a cigarette before heading over to the bar.

“What’s eating at you aye? You may not think I can tell that you’ve been off but I can. You know Polly sent me here for you...” He said, pouring her a glass of water and drenching a cloth in alcohol.

He handed the cloth to her and got to work on the other one as she wiped off the blood on her chest, looking at the tear in her dress and pulling her coat tightly to her as she tried to cover the large rip.

“Polly will kill me herself if she sees the dress is torn. Fucking bastard.” She said taking a sip of water.

Tommy sat near her and dabbed the cloth on her face and inspected the cut on her lip, causing her to wince as he cleaned it.

“I’m not talking about the dress Evelyn, that can be fixed. What’s going on up here?” He asked, pointing to his head.

“Everything and...nothing...” She said, looking down at her hands that were clenched together in her lap.

“I guess it’s in our blood because I like this business...getting rid of bad men that keep fucking us over, but...killing them takes a toll. I see their faces when I try to sleep some nights, and other nights I sleep as if nothing happened...” She said as Tommy sat back in his chair, he nodded for her to continue.

“I just get so scared that one day I’m going to lay with a man and not come back, some of them are vile people.” She said, wincing at the memory of a past painful business deal.

“If I put you on regular business in the shops, would that help you?” He asked.

Evelyn scoffed at his offer.

“You know me Tommy, I have to keep moving. I have to do something more than sitting at a desk crunching numbers. I’m too wild for that.” She said smirking, her features resembling her aunt Polly at times.

Tommy smiled at the memory of her chasing rats with Ada, shooting at them with a revolver as they played in the streets near their house.

“I know. That’s why I’m planning on changing your job.” He said giving her his signature smile. Not many people saw it after the war, but when she’d returned from London when the boys had gotten back from France, it was the one thing he reserved for her, the one thing that made her realize she didn’t completely lose her brother.

“What are you planning? I can practically see your brain flipping over in that ugly head of yours.” She joked, lightly punching his arm.

“I’m wanting to hire some lighter muscle. Someone who can get info on the inside but still be able to hold their own. Ada’s been working on getting some inside information about her contacts she had with Freddie, and I think you could help me when we go on more blinder business.” He said.

“Do I look like I could hold my fucking own? Are you mad?” She asked.

“I’ve seen you shoot my enemies plenty of times, and you wrestled Arthur and I to the ground years ago. I’d hate to see what you could do now.” He said smirking.

“I’m sure with enough training I could still take you down.” She said looking up at her brother. His eyes tired and wrinkling at the edges.

“I wouldn’t doubt it. You’ve never liked being in one place and never liked people picking on us. If anything you’re the only one of us whose really held on to our gypsy roots aye?” He said, adjusting his coat as he stood up.

“You have a point.” She said, smirking as she got up as well.

“Are you drowning now?” He asked quietly, his eyes scanning hers.

She sighed and looked down, trying to think about all that’s upset her over the years since she’s been home.

“Not anymore.” She said, giving her brother a hug, taking him off guard at the sudden contact.

He gently placed his hands around her in a warm embrace as she kept herself there, not remembering when the last time was that she’d given one of her siblings a hug.

“Tell Polly thank you. And I guess since I still love you guys, thank you for checking in too. I accept the offer as well by the way.” She said releasing herself from him.

“Isn’t that what big brothers are for?” He asked as she walked towards the door.

“I guess.” She said chuckling as they both walked out of the Garrison.

“Aren’t you going to take care of the bastard upstairs?” She asked.

“I will once I take you back home. He’ll be gone before the morning.” He said, lighting a cigarette and driving off towards her apartment.

“I’m counting on that. Can’t have the coppers after me.” She said, looking back behind her as the Garrison shrunk in the distance.

“I’ve told you this before, you don’t have to worry about the cops. They’ll leave ya alone if they want to keep their eyes.” He said, driving as the sun set around them, the plans for the future of his business rolling around in his head the whole way there.

Tag List:

(If you’d like to be added/removed, just send in an ask/message!) :)

@msbzowy, @nofckingfighting, @aranoburns, @sighonahurricane, @ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes, @gaytommyshelby, @wowjeena, @fifty-shadesof-tommyshelby, @inglourious-imagines, @thebloodyshelbys, @tsolomons, @blinder-secrets, @reveparade, @shelby-fanatic, @ta-ka-shi-ma, @psychkunox, @peakyxtommy, @captivatedbycillianmurphy,@dreamwastakenx, @lovemissyhoneybee @thomashelbyswhore​

[vangoddamn]

Resolutions are bad

y/n makes a new years resolution, van makes it hard for her to keep.

Warnings: None, but I cried writing this lol

The new years you made the resolution to stay away from him you were too drunk to realise how impossible that was. You were also too drunk to realise that even if you could stay away from him, he couldn’t do the same for you. To be honest his friends warned you, made sure you knew Van wanted something serious. The thing was no one warned Van that you couldn’t cope with the distance.

But there you were three months into the new year with a bottle of wine trying to figure out how you’d avoid him when he came back from tour next week. See it’s all well and good ignoring someone's calls because they’re halfway around the world. But, when they come back you really can’t hide and well it’s not like you’ll want to. 

Van makes you a different person, before you met him the idea of throwing your life away for someone else would make you spit in their face. But with him, well the more you spent time with him and even more away, the more it made you want to quit your job and follow him wherever.

He never understood why you broke up with him, really you didn’t. Of course, you could pretend it was about your shitty job that meant you could keep living in your shitty apartment. When really the reason you did it was because you were scared, scared of waiting for him to realise he was too good for you, scared of the day he'd come home and forget you existed and just wouldn’t call. Bored of waiting for him to realise you weren’t good enough for him and he leave.

It wasn’t even an excuse and the more you thought of it the more it broke your heart. You knew he’d never even thought of that, he never thought about the bad stuff. So when he came back you let him knock on the door and you let him leave a thousand voice mails. 

Every night after he came back from the tour a dozen answer phone messages were left on your phone. And every night you’d slide down the wall of your flat with a tub of ice cream and cry. 

----

The day had dragged on more than usual, too much paperwork and too much rain. By the time you had dragged yourself home bidding farewell to your co-worker at the bus stop, accepting your feit of no umbrella, you trudged home. The bus didn’t go to your part of town, the dodgy end. And well even if it did you doubt you’d be able to afford it.

The rain lashing down soaked into your jacket, the white shirt underneath sticking to your cold skin. You could definitely feel the goosebumps on your arms, a warning that if you didn’t get back home soon you’d freeze to death. In a bid to get there quicker you picked up the pace, instantly regretting it when you ran into a puddle, water splashing up your legs. Running seemed almost impossible now, your tights rubbing feverishly against your skin and boots.

You felt like an emotional wreck, feeling tears run down your face. It was at this point you forgot about what you had done and the resolutions you’d made, all you wanted was Van. You just wanted him to give you one of those warm hugs and tell you it’s going to be alright. He was always good at that. 

So when you got back to your flat and ran up the stairs, the elevator had been broken a while, you didn’t even second guess the fact the door was unlocked. You just stumbled in, shutting the door and sliding down it, tears falling down your cheek in the most unattractive way. Panting to try and calm yourself down, only making it worse. You cursed anything pure in the world trying to get your shoes off, prying the leather boots from your cold sticky legs.

“Fuck, I just want Van!” You huffed thinking out loud, giving in and leaving your boots half unzipped. You rested your head against the door, closing your eyes, trying to stop any more tears from erupting.

That was before you felt a warmth cloud you, a warm and cosy hug lifting you up and a soft kiss to your forehead. You felt a small tear roll down your cheek when you could smell that familiar scent. A calming breath out when you felt those calloused fingers brush it away almost as soon as it appeared.

“Van?” You whispered, scared that it wasn’t and you’d been dreaming his presence in your overworked head. But even the most tired of emotions couldn’t dream up the true reality of this. He was truly there, placing you down on your warm bedsheets.

You opened your eyes slowly to reveal, Van slowly easing your leather boots off your feet. You were happy to see his face, having not seen it in too long. But your happiness soon faded once you noticed his purple bags under his eyes and the messiness of his hair. The type of messy due to him combing his hands through with stress. He looked skinnier than usual and it made you feel empty inside. Not empty, full of regret and deep down guilt. 

Because you’d always been the one to remind him to put the guitar down and eat. You’d always been the one to talk him to sleep or kiss his back until you heard his breathing regulate. You felt guilty when you knew the job of looking after his poor soul would’ve been handed over to the lads. And although you loved them and knew they’d try their hardest, Van was tricky. But he was your tricky and seeing him almost as broken as you hurt.

You were allowed to hurt, but not him.

He was able to pry your shoes off, leaving him to carefully roll your tights down, revealing the blisters you had made. “y/n, these look sore” He sighed, a worried tone to his voice, matching his face. 

All you could do was let out another sob, apologizing between breaths. He turned even more worried moving towards you, crouching over your body, his hands cupping your face. 

“I’m so sorry Van, I thought I could cope without you... I thought if I let you go and be with someone you deserve I’d be fine. But I’m not” You tried to get it all out, the words barely audible over you ugly sobs and harsh breaths.

“What, no, love calm down please” He begged kissing your forehead, making you realise how much you missed those lips. “Come ‘ere” He whispered moving off you and pulling you into his lap.

You lay in his arms for a while, your head resting on his chest whilst he massaged your scalp, stroking down loose bits of hair. Your eyes fluttered shut and your arms were tightly wrapped around his waist.

“Love, is that why you did it?” He sounded wounded and as if he’d cry. You knew he wouldn’t but there were tears in his eyes. You knew what he was referring to, the words you blurted out. You couldn’t answer with words, opting to just nod your head.

“y/n why would you think that? All I’ve ever wanted and will ever want is you. I can’t imagine being with anyone else, I just couldn’t” His words were soft, trying not to sound too panicked.

“Van” You tried but couldn’t come up with anything worth saying. He moved under you, sitting up straighter, slowly peeling off the wet clothes that clung to your body. Soon enough you were just in your underwear and the hoodie Van had on before he placed it over your head. He went to your dresser, remembering where everything was like nothing had happened getting out some of your fluffiest socks.

“How come you're here?” You asked whilst he pulled the covers over your tired frame.

“I came over to try and talk, but when it got late and started raining I got worried and used the spare key, I hope that’s ok. I know it’s a little intrusive” He explained before you cut in.

“No Van I needed you.” You admitted looking up to him with sad eyes, worried he might leave. 

“Your the strongest person I know, you don’t need anyone”

“That’s not true” You whined like a child getting out of bed, walking over to where he stood in the doorway. “Please don’t go” You had him right in front of you and even if he tried you didn’t think you’d ever be able to let him go again.

“y/n, your tired love” You could tell what he was doing and you didn’t blame him. He thought that if he stayed he’d get too comfortable and in the morning you’d push him away. But now you’d seen him, felt him, you wanted nothing more than for him to just get comfortable again.

“I’m tired because I can’t sleep without you. It’s worse than when I thought you might leave me cause now your already gone, and it’s my fault. I can’t breath when I think about it Van, I need you” You rambled on trying to make him stay but he’d already wrapped himself around you when another tear surfaced. 

“You don’t know how much I missed you” he mumbled into your hair, leading you back to bed where this time he joined you in his usual spot. 

This time around you knew you had to tell him how you felt. Yes it killed you to think about how much better he could do but it killed you, even more, to be without him.

"I hate resolutions" You mumbled into him.

“Me too” He whispered back, letting you fall asleep in his arms tear-stained cheeks but happy you had him back. You knew it would be hard to explain everything properly in the morning but the lack of energy mixed with Vans presence lead you to sleep quickly. At least he was home.

A/n: I might just be overly emotional but yes, I did cry writing this and I have no regrets! Lol hope you loves are all doing well, I've been busy writing recently so i'm thinking my posting days for the future will be every sat/Sunday and maybe the extra little midweek treat depending on how much time I have, hope you had a nice week! xx em

[unikornu]

Page 4, Dethrone

(re-written)

- Hey folks! Its Reeeed Eye! Looks like we have another fool to get himself killed. Oh, we gonna watch you with pleasure while the gauntlet will gut you out of here.

-Oh dear fucking God. They even have a commentator? What kind of raiders are they? She rolled her eyes and carefully stepped down the stairs leading into the gauntlet itself. Busy room welcomed her, filled with trash, bodies, broken furniture, dried blood splattered all over and the stench of struggle and death that was hanging in the air like a radiation cloud.

- That doesn’t look...safe. A-ha. She spotted a green lights blinking in the shadows and turning around, scanning the area for any movement. - No surprise they put so much lights in here. She grabbed some rubble from the floor and threw it into the reflectors standing in the middle of the long hallway, giving her a bit more shadows to hide in from turrets. First few rolls towards the tables and counters were successful but as closer she was getting to the door the more lights of the turrets were blinking, leaving her no choice but to run at the last few meters. Luckily she was fast and trained for extreme situations so she managed to outrun the fire and bullets, crashing the floor tiles upon the impact right after her feet. She took a very sharp turn behind the wall to catch a breath before going any further.

-That was fucking close. She leaned her hands on the knees, catching the breath before approaching the next challenge ignoring the Red Eye in the speakers trying to rush her as it was no option this time anyway and calmex running through her veins was keeping her focused well enough.

The next room looked surprisingly..clean but it showed its tricks one Lucy heard blipping next to her, kicking the landmine away and covering her face from the dust upon exploding. She was surprised that nothing from the shabby structure collapsed as raiders were the best engineers of the commonwealth.

- Fuck..that’s gonna take a while. She went, slowly, step by step, keeping her head on the floor and eyes rolling all around in a nervous manner until reaching a locked door. -Alright, let’s see. She pulled a bobby pin from her hair and started digging in, taking her sweet time as she was short on them. The click occurred, filling her with satisfaction, being able to move forward.

Sadly the place seemed like it had no end. Bloody labyrinth trying to kill you at every inch with everything that wasteland had to offer, bullets, radiation, beasts, hidden traps, even a gas that almost made her wish to collapse on a spot, leaving the rupturing pain inside her lungs as she slid down at the wall catching the breaths of fresh air that was coming from behind hopefully last door, beams of lights shining through its cracks, almost welcoming her. Her pre-war jobs for gang were nothing in comparison to this. This was straight brutal, every challenge coming straight at you and not giving up any moment. She was trained more in short and swift actions almost like a cheetah of crime, not a long runs like this. The only thing keeping her still alive was curiosity, adrenaline and calmex. And that endless voice in her head when she was drugged, to finish what needs to be done without asking questions.

----

She pulled herself up after a short pause, gathering the last of her strengths for last push, hoping to find some answers to this bullshit she willingly stepped. She kicked opened the last door, daylight blinding her from the up, crate ceiling hanging right up to her, colorful figures cheering and howling at her in a vicious manner. The bullet cracking the wooden frame next to her shoulder reminded her that there is no time to stand still and she pushed herself through the messy hallways, running as fast as she still could but as she was about to reach the end the bullet flew through her arm, the sharp pain filled her guts as she fell to the floor, hearing the men above walk away, mumbling in surprise and excitement about last duel.

- Fuckin hell. This better be worth it, you stupid bitch. She pulled a stimpak and injected it, hoping to ease the pain long enough to carry her through the last fight or whatever was coming to her, catching the sounds coming from within the arena, deep into the building. As she walked forward, holding herself onto the railing, tired and pissed off. The last challenged welcomed her in a shape of a massive power armor figure standing in what it looked like a pre-war cola cars hall, lighted with pink and blue lights, almost unnerving to the eyes.

- That’s it? That scrawny little bitch beat the gauntlet? Haha, i’m Colter by the way and i can’t wait to bend over your tiny, sweet little body and hear it crack in my hands. Colter - the leader of this whole mess, or at least he looked like one, standing down, with the other raider, tinkering around his armor and blinking towards her or at least that’s what she saw.  

- Fantastic....i guess that’s where my shit trip will end. There was no way back for her anyway, only forward down the stairs to the cloakroom. She would barely be able to take another room...but a man in a fully functioned power armor, in her shape...seemed impossible. She sat on a bench, leaning her head over the arms, resting on her knees, awaiting the inevitable.

----

Suddenly the crack of the interphone hanged nearby disturbed the silence in the room.

- Hey, come here for a sec. I gotta tell ya something and i ain’t having much time for that. The same voice from the train called her over. She looked at it from under her arms, tired but approached it eventually.

- Who are you really, and why do you wanna talk now? I’m gonna die soon anyway. She crossed her arms and leaned against the wall, facing the interphone.

- I might be just what ya need in this case now. Look...i saw you, going room after room. You ain’t soldier, nor raider, you don’t look like anything i saw yet in this shithole.

- And your point is? She asked, impatiently.

- I will get to the point. If you take my advice you might not die and get something nice in exchange for roughing you up like that. If not, that’s your fucking problem but it would be a shame to lose someone with your skill assets...if ya ask me.  

- Fine, tell me, but be short about it. She wasn’t in a mood for much talking as pain and exhaustion started slowly getting to her again.

- Alright, look. There is a special gun i hid in the locker. Colter is a cheating son of a bitch, you won’t win this without that gun. She looked over the lockers and her gaze stopped at the red, shiny squirt gun.

- What? Water gun? Are you fucking joking?! The irritation filled her voice along with few more swears as she picked it up and came back to the interphone.

- Hey, hey i know it sounds crazy but just fucking take my advice if you want to keep your ass afloat in this crap. It ain’t my life that’s on stake so do what ya think its best.

- Wait, one more question. Why do you help me? I mean..its your boss. She gave a few squirts with a pistol just be also negatively surprised by its...short range.

- Some people are just ain’t the kind for the job after all. Well enough, you get through, we gonna talk more. I hope to see ya on the other side, the one across the arena. Good luck.

As the interphone went silent Lucy was shuffling her thoughts, not sure as to believe in raider words but could there be any better way to die rather than squirting some water into a fully armored big mouthed raider. And that’s what she intended to do. She scoured the area before heading to the entrance, snatching a psycho on a way and spotting a generator hidden behind the crashed wall opening.

- I don’t think he needs any more power in this place. Opss. She pulled a core and tossed it to the side like a piece of junk. Arena got filled with raider audience, but looking differently...more proper and scarier than the commonwealth saps. Some of them had polished metallic pieces, sharp yet elegant looking and some were dressed much more colorful than the flora of the wasteland. The last group looked most disturbing, fully covered faces, only seeing the sharp expressions of their lips and determination vibrating from them to gut her at any second.

- Since it might be last push, might give myself a good ride. She used the psycho along with the last calmex dose that send her mind into interesting state of focus and calmness and pumping adrenaline like a bull at the same time. Her heart beating like its about to rupt her chest.

The door opened, Colter didn’t waste any time greeting her with bullet rain but she was neither letting him have an easy fight, taking a cover behind one of the cars, sending a few grenades landing at his feet. He didn’t even care to dodge and that’s what rubbed her the wrong way. He was truly cheating, the impact of the explosion reflected by the strange electric wave shining from his armor.

- Maybe he’s not actually bluffing. She looked from behind the car, spotting Gage observing a fight with a nerve in his eye, almost hoping for something. - Alright, Feit...use your charm. She said to herself and stepped from behind the cover as Colter stopped the fire.

- Hey, i know i have no chance, so how about you gonna give me that good bend over you said and finish me like a man? She teased him, grinning at him. Colter tossed his rifle aside, looking proud and slowly taking steps forward.

- Crash you with my bare hands? That’s your deathwish sweetheart? He grinned back, looking down at her, taking a swing but she dodged it, pulling a gun from behind her and squirting all over his face and body as he kept on trying to catch her.

-Fuck. Lucy swore as he managed to snatch her by the neck tightening the grip but suddenly the electric shortage occurred. Colter paused, confused to what is happening and tossing her aside.

- Gage! What the fuck is going on? Answer me now! Colter turned towards him, spotting his smirk from under the patch ignoring Lucy slowly standing up and pulling last of grenades. - Its you...isn’t it! I’m gonna fucking tear you apart Porter! He stomped and bashed at the door, yelling but the explosion occurring next to him made him turn his focus back to Lucy. Some parts of his armor flew away which only encouraged her to throw whatever she had left, backing away step by step, keeping herself up with lasts of strength.

- Just fucking end him! Gage yelled from behind the glass.

- I don’t know what the hell is going on but you can fuck off, Colter. I ain’t going down yet in this case. Her arm wouldn’t allow it but drugs did, pulling the cannon out and shooting whatever was packed in its barrel into the rest of remaining Colter’s armor, sending the man flying back and her to the floor in the process as she could no longer stand.

As the smoke dropped down the silence occurred. Raiders looked at her and then at Gage and finally at Colter body, lying beneath junks of metal and blood.

- Gage what the fuck just happened there? The Red Eye voice asked , from the speakers.

- What happened? We just got a new Overboss. What else its looking like? Gage yelled to the audience.

- Her? Are you sure Porter? The massive raider with a red hair stood up in disbelief as the rest started leaving the room, mumbling in concern and mistrust.

- I’m sure Mason. You saw what she did. She has skill and ain’t that stupid. Just give her time and get the fuck out. Gage verbally kicked the rest of the audience and entered the arena as room got empty.

-----

- Hey, you okay? He approached her, laying on the ground, breathing heavily but slowly pushing herself up on her arms just to be stopped by a sharp pain from the bullet that didn’t have time to fully heal.

- What kind of question is that? Shit...it hurts. She pulled herself up and leaned on the car, turning her gaze up onto the raider. - So..what the fuck is going on here?

- Right..let me explain now, that there is no crowd shouting over my fucking back. He spotted the wound and jabbed her with a stimpak in the arm.

- Ouch...ey! What makes you think i trust you that much yet? She brushed her arm and awaited the answers.

- I get ya but you ain’t gotta choice for now so you will have to stick with me for a while if you want it or not.

- And what makes you think i want to stick around? She squinted her eye at his and crossed her arms, still leaning onto the car.

- Well..you came here because you wanted to, so there must be something that pulled you to us. And second...fucking congratulations, you passed the challenge and...well you’re the boss now, as the vacancy.. just got...well, freed. He looked over Colter’s dead body slowly releasing its stench of half burned skin and guts into the air.

-Wait...what? Me? Boss? You must be kidding me again. She chuckled in disbelief at him.

- I wasn’t kidding with a squirt gun, why would i be joking now, hm? Gage offered her a hand to lean on. - Let me show, you gonna see its gonna be worth it.

She looked at his hand with hesitation but the pain and tiredness was getting enough to her, wanting to finally sit down somewhere and rest in comfort so she accepted the help, letting herself be supported by his strong, big arm as they slowly walked towards the exit.

- Let’s get ya ass to Fizztop. By the way. Where did you learn all that? You don’t look like a type...for..ya know, combat and so on. He spotted a soft smile appearing in the corner of her lips.

- That is a huge advantage, even back then....to not look like someone who might just cut the shit out of you. Let’s say for now..i had quite a bit of training, working for some gang...might tell you more if you are actually worth trusting and you not gonna gut me at the end of that hallway. After a while she could feel the stress going down, being able to finally stand on her own, still weak but enough to reach the Fizztop.    

- I don’t have a reason to gut you yet...well. Let’s hope there won’t be any need for that. He chuckled and scanned her over as he could finally have a good clear look at her posture. - Ain’t you a surprising little package, shit. And funny how you might be just what we need right now.

She looked up at him. His face wearing many fights, not all successful, a big metallic patch covering his eye and whatever was beneath it. Experience and confidence striking in his voice as the posture as well. She felt small..and scrawny indeed standing next to such a massive raider, his bulky armor only adding to it but she had a strange feeling that following him might be just the answer she was looking for a long time.

- Feeling might prove mutual in time, Gage. They looked at each other, eye to eye for a few seconds before heading to Fizztop.      

[bearholdingashark]

Music Shuffle Ficlets (Cablanca Edition)

I’ve been struggling with writing motivation lately, but wanted to write something so I put my music on shuffle and wrote ten ficlets one song for each. I’ve put the actual stories under the cut for length (they’re about 1300 words in total), but the songs were: 

On The Street Where You Live -- My Fair Lady

Poison & Wine -- The Civil Wars

Come Fly With Me -- Michael Buble

Secrets -- OneRepublic

Gone In The Morning -- Newton Faulkner

Fix You -- Coldplay

Love Makes The World Brand New -- Galavant

Taking Chances -- Celine Dion

Sober -- James Arthur (As an FYI, this one is a little steamy, but not crossing that smut line. :D)

Do I Wanna Know? -- Arctic Monkeys

On The Street Where You Live -- My Fair Lady

Benoit drove up the driveway to Marta’s house and it was amazing how different it felt from when he was investigating Harlan’s death. She hadn’t changed much on the outside of the house, but somehow knowing that Marta lived here now, that it was not a Thrombey household any longer, seemed to make all the difference. 

As soon as he got out of his car and began walking toward the house, the front door opened and a smiling Marta greeted him. 

“Benoit,” she said, moving to hug him when he reached her.

He held her close, but not too long, reveling in the feel of her soft warmth against him. 

She pulled back, her smile still wide and easy, and yes it had everything to do with this beautiful woman that made the house feel so much more welcoming.

Poison & Wine -- The Civil Wars

Benoit glanced at Marta out of the corner of his eye as he looked around the study. For not being able to lie, she was very good at pretending she had nothing to do with Harlan’s death. He wasn’t sure what her involvement had been yet, but he wanted to keep her close until he did. 

It had to do with the case, and nothing to do with the strange draw he felt toward her. There was something about Marta Cabrera, something that made him want to find out more, to solve her like one of his puzzles. 

She was beautiful to be sure, but there was something more to her. He didn’t think her kindness was entirely put on. She was complicated, as all people were, but her complexities drew him to her, made him want her close. 

Come Fly With Me -- Michael Buble

Marta grinned as she and Benoit walked down the crowded street. It was their first real vacation together, all their other travel had been for cases. When the idea of a vacation had come up, she’d known she wanted to take him to Cuba, introduce him to her relatives, and show him more about the places that made her who she was. She wanted him to know everything about her, and know everything about him in turn. They had a tour to Benoit’s old Southern haunts already planned. 

She gave his hand a squeeze. 

“What is it?” he asked with a curious smile. 

“I’m just happy you’re here with me,” she said, with a shrug, her smile feeling like it would never leave her face. 

“I would not want to be anywhere else, darling.” 

Secrets -- OneRepublic

Marta looked up into Blanc’s impossibly blue eyes. She had been trailing after him all day, trying to hide the truth at every turn, her nausea almost unbearable at times. She was just so tired of the running and the hiding. 

She needed to tell him the truth and she needed to tell him now. With a deep breath, and hoping like crazy she wasn’t making a mistake, she opened her mouth. “I need to tell you the truth.” 

He looked at her with those piercing eyes and she had the feeling that what she was about to tell him wasn’t going to be a surprise. 

“I think that would be a good idea, Watson,” he said, his voice level. 

With a nod and the thought that this would have been different with any other detective, she began her tale. 

Gone In The Morning -- Newton Faulkner

Benoit settled into bed, the room dark as he wondered if she would be in his dreams again tonight. Marta Cabrera had been featuring in his dreams the past few nights and he’d found himself looking forward to their nightly adventures. 

The dreams themselves were innocent, although he still felt a slight sense of shame. He dreamed of them solving cases together, spending time at his place and hers, domestic scenes that his heart ached for. 

But when he woke, she was gone and he was alone again. He had seen her in person only last week, and they kept in touch, but he found himself wishing for the reality of his dreams. 

Fix You -- Coldplay

Benoit reached out his arms as tears began to fall down Marta’s cheeks, and without a word, she fell into his embrace. He held her tightly as he rubbed his hands across her back in what he hoped was a soothing gesture. He didn’t know yet what exactly had caused her tears, but as it was only a month after Harlan’s death and everything that had come with that, he could make a few educated guesses. 

He didn’t want her to feel the pain, but knew there was nothing he could do to take it away. All he could do was be there and hold her when she let him, all her to rest in his arms as she knit her heart back together. 

He would be there to do it. Until she told him to leave, he would gladly be a safe harbor for her to weather her storms in. After several minutes, she pulled back, wiping at her eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” she said, sounding embarrassed. 

“Don’t be,” he said simply. “Whenever you need comforting, you can call on me.” 

Love Makes The World Brand New -- Galavant

Marta couldn’t help her wide smile as she walked out of her house. It was an overcast day, but it looked beautiful and she couldn’t keep her mood down. 

She knew it had mostly to do with the fact that Benoit had told her loved her the night before, and she had been so happy to know her feelings were reciprocated. 

Alice had already teased her about her mood that morning, but Marta hadn’t been able to find it in herself to be annoyed. Benoit loved her, what did a little teasing matter?

Taking Chances -- Celine Dion

Marta bit her lip as Benoit gathered his coat and shoes. He had been over to check on her see how she was faring with everything that had happened. 

She still didn’t know him very well, but she felt like she could call him a friend and she trusted him. And she didn’t want him to go. 

“What if you stayed tonight?” she asked, it all coming out in a rush as he turned to look at her. “You could stay in one of the guest rooms. There are so many and it’s late. I don’t like the idea of you driving back at this hour.” 

She could barely look at him, sure he would see everything she wasn’t saying. She wasn’t quite ready to move to more than their fledgling friendship, but she also knew she didn’t want him to leave. 

A soft smile curved across his lips. “I would like that.” 

Sober -- James Arthur 

Benoit held Marta close as they swayed around the living room, the lit fireplace the only light. It felt sacred here with her at this late hour and even though they hadn’t had anything to drink, he felt intoxicated, filled with the fel and smell of her. 

She looked up at him and they moved towards each other at the same moment, their lips meeting in the middle. She opened her mouth to him and he moaned. He was dressed more simply than he usually was and she slipped her hand under his shirt, the feel of her hand against his bare skin heavenly. 

Soon, all pretense of the dance had stopped as they slowly removed each other’s clothing. Her mouth against him, her bare skin under his hands felt like worship. 

Do I Wanna Know? -- Arctic Monkeys

Marta woke slowly, reality replacing the sweetness of her dreams. She frowned as she realized that’s all it had been. She and Benoit had been over at her house, cuddling on the family room couch. It had been so vivid, she could still feel how his body had feit against hers. 

She blew out a breath as she looked up at the ceiling. They had been moving towards something, but neither of them had been brave enough to make the first move. She wanted to be with him. This was ridiculous. 

She didn’t know for sure if he returned her feelings, but she knew now that she wanted the answer, no matter what it was. Reaching out for her phone on the nightstand, she opened up her messages. Maybe he was free tonight?

[feitclub]

6 - 22 - 2009

in honor of my son’s tenth birthday, here’s the blog entry I wrote on June 22, 2009 after returning from the hospital and collapsing.

If there's one thing movies and television shows have taught me, the birth of a child is the greatest day of a person's life. Sadly, it seems Hollywood is a habitual liar because I felt that the twenty-four hours I spent in a hospital waiting for my son to be born was one of the worst days of my life. Thankfully it all ended well. Mako shook me awake around 2:45AM on Sunday morning, clutching herself and saying "We need to go to the hospital." It would later turn out that she had been in pain for nearly two hours prior to that but she stuck it out and waited to see if it would pass. It never did, so we all threw on our clothes and drove to the hospital I was understandably excited, if a little drowsy. When we arrived I was quite surprised at the lack of initiative from the skeleton crew working the off-hours. Technically speaking, this hospital is "closed" on Sunday but they maintain a side entrance and a small reception desk during these periods. Mako called them before we left so when we arrived, they knew we were coming. That doesn't mean they did anything though. I distinctly remember one man walk past us, acknowledge our presence by simply saying "Ah, Feit-san. Go to the fifth floor." without breaking his stride. You would think a pregnant woman bent over in pain would warrant a wheelchair or some measure of physical assistance, but not here. The fifth floor was a little busier than the ground floor, probably because there's always something going on in the maternity ward. Newborns arrive when they arrive and both they and their mothers require 24-hour care. Still, despite the buzzing of nurses around us most of the lights were off on the floor, so we spent our initial wait in the dark. Eventually Mako got a bed in the "labor room" and we were told that despite the pain, Mako was only dilated three centimeters and she needed to be at ten centimeters before any serious attempt to give birth could be made. When we asked how long that might take, they said "a while." I must try to set the scene here by describing the labor room. There is only one room and all expectant mothers have to share it, apparently. I don't know how many beds were in the room but there was little more than a wall and a curtain to separate Mako's bed from the others. Mako was also located right next to the toilet and near the examination chair, so we were in a fairly high traffic section of a very small room. It was here that we had to wait...and wait...and wait... As noon approached and after repeated claims of "it'll be a bit longer" it was evident that while Mako needed to lie in bed and wait, we didn't all necessarily have to sit next to her until the baby arrived. Mako's mother stayed and encouraged me to go with my father-in-law back to the house and clean up. We were all exhausted, having woken up in the middle of night only to sit and wait for nine hours in the corner of the labor room, so the idea of a shower sounded pretty good. Mako's dad also suggested we have some lunch, which I thought might help me cope with all the stress but it didn't change much. That's how nervous I was: not even eating made me feel better. We went back to the house and I washed up. My father-in-law told me to try and take a nap which was virtually impossible. Despite all the waiting with no end in sight, I was still worried that the baby would arrive at any moment. I laid down and maybe nodded off for forty minutes or so, but I awoke sharply and scared that I had missed the birth. I hadn't, of course, but I wouldn't feel calm until I was back at the hospital and next to Mako. Hours and hours went by, and I spent all of them by Mako's side in the corner of this horrible, horrible room. I'm not going to point any fingers here, because I certainly don't have the intestinal fortitude to endure even a tenth of what a pregnant woman goes though, but everything in this labor room carried a horrible stench. The human body generates a lot of foul smelling byproducts and this room was where they all get discharged. The delivery room (when we finally got there) was even worse, but the labor room's odor and total lack of privacy was miserable. Adding insult to injury was that my only seat was a tiny stool with no back and nothing to lean against. Between Mako's bed, her I.V. and the table where we laid out her belongings, there was barely any space for any visitors to sit by the bed. Eventually I went out again with her father for another meal, but I again spent the entire time thinking only of her. It obviously can't compare to the physical pain a pregnant woman experiences, but to see my wife in such torturous agony all day while she waits and waits was really painful for me. However, the idea of not being with her felt even worse because we had decided together to try and have a baby. Wouldn't leaving her to have the baby without me be a betrayal of our mutual agreement? Speaking of which, one of the worst things about this shared labor room was overhearing all of the other patients. In the next bed over was a woman who had checked in some time before us. At first she was just sleeping but as the evening approached, she went into the delivery room which was within an audible distance. She shrieked and screamed and we eventually heard the baby's first cries. A little while later, a man showed up and was surprised when he found out the baby was already born. This was obviously the father and I never saw him visit her once that day. Where the fuck was this guy that he couldn't attend his own child's birth or even comfort his wife as she struggled? His failure as a father/husband reminded me why I needed to sit next to Mako and just ignore my back pain and exhaustion. Yes, I left twice to eat meals, but I never left her alone and on both occasions I came back within an hour. At no point was Mako without a member of her family on hand. As the sun went down, it occurred to me that Mako had just spent the entirety of the Summer Solstice indoors, waiting for this baby. After about seventeen hours, things started to look like the baby was coming. We were still in the labor room but as her dilation increased, Mako was encouraged to try pushing to speed up the process. While I had spent most of the day just sitting with Mako and occasionally massaging her, it was during these initial pushes that I actually had something important to do. Mako was standing up and hugging me, holding onto me for leverage and squeezing with all her might as she tried to push. It was crazy intense and while it would prove futile (and it hurt like hell), it was the undisputed highlight of Sunday because I felt like I mattered. This is as good a time as any to mention how little attention the hospital staff paid attention to me, which I found deeply insulting. Maybe it's just the culture of Japan to leave the husband out of the birth process, but as I spent my entire Sunday next to my wife trying to console her and assist in the delivery our child, you would think that at one point someone would just start talking to me about something, anything, to acknowledge my constant presence. Instead, I was spoken about but almost never spoken to. The bad news is, I'm pretty sure it was that old-fashioned Japanese racism at work. For those unfamiliar with Japanese racism, I should explain that it's not actually hateful as much as it's clueless and stupid. I'm sure none of the nurses or doctors felt anything was wrong with me, they just never thought to treat me like a human being. Instead, I was treated like a gaijin. They would ask my wife "where is your husband from?" and "does your husband speak Japanese?" instead of just asking me directly. When they needed our signatures on waivers, they would explain everything to her (while I listened) and then look at me and start stammering, mumbling to themselves "oh, how do I explain this since you cannot read?" Under the circumstances I let it all slide but inside I was pretty pissed. But I digress...around ten o'clock we finally entered the delivery room. Mako gave it her all but after spending her entire day in pain on a bed without eating (she had no appetite at all), she found herself unable to push the baby out. They put her through a variety of poses, which means they were trying their best but it felt like they didn't really know what to do. Eventually they said there was a "bump" (こぶ in Japanese) and the baby wasn't moving any closer to the exit. Just after one AM, Mako couldn't push anymore and asked them for a C-section. True story: in Japan they call it an "imperial cut" (帝王切開). They spent almost an hour prepping Mako for surgery and then took her away to the O.R. I was left in the dark (literally) to sit and wait to find out what was going to happen to my family. I was understandably upset by this turn of events. Was there nowhere else I could go? I knew the surgery was routine and carried relatively little risk but that couldn't stop me from worrying about what might happen on the operating table. Let's not forget that it was past two AM and I had been awake for nearly twenty-four straight hours, so I was already a little out of my mind. Being afraid that my wife or my son might not return from the O.R. was terror I didn't need. My son was the first to appear, shortly before three AM. I wanted to be excited and revel in the moment of seeing my first child in the flesh, but all I could think about was Mako who was still absent. I asked the nurse and all she could say was "they're closing her up." While that was meant as a reassurance, I couldn't put her out of mind even as I looked down at my very healthy brand-new baby boy. As you can guess, she eventually turned up, as did her parents who must have been up waiting for my messages. Mako was on a stretcher and couldn't sit up, but she was conscious and able to ask me if I saw the baby. I told I did and that made her smile. For all the hell the two of us had gone through (her more than me, of course), having a baby after nine months of anticipation was a wonderful feeling. I suppose if we were going to go with the surgery in the end we could have saved Mako a great many hours of discomfort by asking sooner, but we had hoped for a natural birth. Ah well, at least now my son can totally kill MacBeth: Tell thee, Feit was from his mother's womb Untimely ripp'd.

[ebenpink]

11 things I’ve learned coaching elite and professional athletes. Lessons from our work with NFL, NBA, UFC, & Olympic champions. https://ift.tt/317t7pi

Precision Nutrition’s work coaching elite and professional athletes contributes to every innovation we bring to nutrition and fitness. Here are our 11 favorite learnings; ones you can use with any client, with any goal.

++++

At Precision Nutrition, it’s our mission to improve the lives of, and get results for, every single type of client, including our most elite ones (like NFL, NHL, NBA teams, individual pros and Olympians, top-ranked junior prospects, and more).

Interestingly, coaching elite and pro athletes has taught us a lot.

I’m not going to lie, it’s pretty cool to work with some of the most respected athletes in the world. But here’s what’s surprising: In a lot of ways, elite athletes are just like us “regular” folks.

For example: I’ve learned that certain coaching principles apply across the board, no matter who you are and what you do.

(Yep, middle-aged clients just trying to lose belly fat do have something in common with UFC legend Georges St. Pierre).

So, in this article, I’d like to share 11 of our favorite coaching lessons and stories, taken directly from our work with some of the top athletes in the world.

If you’re a health and fitness pro, these can be applied to your coaching clients, whether they’re athletes or they’re just getting started with fitness.

And, hey, if you’re just here as a sports fan — enjoy the inside scoop.

1. Shape the environment and you can get great results, even without intensive one-on-one coaching.

Coaching one-on-one is great. But sometimes it’s not possible. Like when you’re trying to improve the nutritional habits of an entire basketball team in a short period of time.

Precision Nutrition coach Brian St. Pierre has been a nutrition consultant for the San Antonio Spurs since 2014. And he’s seen the team thrive (in fact, they won the NBA championship the year he started working with them).

But when Brian started working with the Spurs, he was a bit concerned about whether he’d be able to help.

With the team’s crazy schedule, he’d have next to zero one-on-one time with each player. Would he still be able to get results?

After careful consideration, Brian realized that he could have the biggest impact by focusing his efforts, not on each individual, but on the environment they all shared.

Brian’s tactics included:

Start with a template. After meeting with the players and coaching staff, he developed a meal plan template — focussing on meat, seafood, cooked starch, cooked vegetables, salad, fruit, and nuts — for the chefs/caterers at the training facility, where players eat breakfast and lunch.

Make it tasty. He ensured that players’ favorite foods were included in the provided meals. (Brian advised the team’s coaches not to take away Tim Duncan’s beloved Cajun chicken and mashed sweet potatoes.) After all, if the players don’t like the food they’re being offered, regardless of how good it is for them, they’ll just sneak out to Chick fil A.

Keep it convenient. He gave the strength and conditioning interns some Super Shake recipes so they could whip up personalized shakes (specific to each player’s needs and personal preferences) and hand them out after training and practice. 

Make arrangements for travel. He provided healthy meal ideas for plane rides. (Sometimes coaches insisted on soda and cookies for the ride — for themselves — so Brian gave suggestions on where to hide their personal stash so the players wouldn’t be tempted.)

Have a plan for non-practice hours. He recommended meal delivery services as options for dinner. For married players with a spouse who cooks for them, he provided recipes and meal ideas to take home.

These kinds of tactics are pretty simple, and none of them require in-depth, involved one-on-one coaching. Nor do they require any player to engage in some heroic, individual project of personal change.

Whether it’s at a training camp, at home, or in the office, our environment has a huge influence on what we eat.

Shape the environment, and you shape the path toward change.

2. Skill in the gym (or on the field) does not equal skill in the kitchen.

Elite athletes put everything they’ve got into their physical performance. You might assume they bring the same passion for detail, refinement, and mastery to the food they eat.

Some do. But most don’t.

I first learned this in the early 2000s when I went to work with the U.S. National Bobsled team as nutrition consultant. The team asked me to kick off their training camp with a seminar.

Back then I had the notion that, as top-level athletes, these guys must give the same attention to their nutrition as they do to their sport. As a result, I built a full day of seminars on advanced nutrition topics and high-level supplement strategies.

I was all ready to go.

Then the group filed in late, holding bags of McDonalds.

I knew immediately I would have to change my presentation on the fly.

As I asked questions and listened, I realized these athletes still needed to learn the basics. They may have been advanced in their sport, but they were still, for the most part, nutrition beginners.

This is a good lesson for anyone doing nutrition coaching.

Imagine you’re coaching a middle-aged man who’s 50 lbs overweight and has never given nutrition a second thought. Then imagine a 25-year-old who’s 225 lb and 8% body fat training for the Olympics.

Yes, they might be very different physically. But they might also have the exact same nutritional skill level.

(In the Precision Nutrition Level 1 Certification we classify clients as Level 1, Level 2, or Level 3 eaters and have different recommendations for each level. In this case, both individuals would get recommendations for Level 1 eaters.)

So don’t make too many assumptions about your clients. Talk to them, test them, and find out where they’re actually at.

3. If you can’t make it better, make it less-worse.

Recently tasked with helping NBA team the Brooklyn Nets improve their nutrition, Precision Nutrition coaches Adam Feit and Brian St. Pierre worked together to create an optimal nutritional environment at the team’s practice facility.

Seriously, they’re making that dining room a work of art. Beautiful infographics demonstrating hand-size portions and Super Shake infographics; healthy, perfectly balanced menus. Great stuff.

But after training, it’s time to compete. And that’s when the team hits the road. They travel constantly.

Adam and Brian realized the biggest obstacle to maintaining the team’s nutrition was dealing with hotel food. Especially late-night room service menus offering pizza, wings, burgers, and so on. Adam and Brian couldn’t exactly customize the menus of hundreds of hotels. But they could change the menus the players saw.

So they got ahold of the hotel menus in advance and created pared down versions of each menu — a customized version with some of the best available options.

This smaller, more selective version of the menu is what the guys would see in their rooms or get when the team sat down for dinner.

Sure, it might not be perfect, but it was still a huge improvement. And it made it easier for the players to choose a healthier option without even thinking about it.

One of our coaching mantras at Precision Nutrition is “a little bit better”. We encourage clients to abandon all-or-nothing thinking and look for ways to make even slight improvements to each meal or each workout.

Of course, you don’t have to be an NBA champion to realize that small improvements really do add up.

4. The best meal plan is worthless if your client doesn’t like the food.

A pro tennis standout contacted PN for some help with energy levels, performance, and general nutrition. Of course, we were happy to help.

Brian St. Pierre met with the athlete, discussed goals, taste preferences and other details, and then put together some guidelines including a meal plan template complete with recipe ideas.

The problem: The athlete didn’t like any of it.

Even in the pro sports world, there are self-professed picky eaters.

That’s when we realized that all of Brian’s nutritional expertise wasn’t enough. It was time to bring in the big guns. So we sent our full-time super-chef, Jen Nickle, to help.

Jen and Brian put together a taste-test session with the tennis star. They tried out all kinds of options for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. They explored food combinations, preparation options, flavors, and so on.

Turns out, the taste-test day was fun. Jen and Brian were able to build rapport with the client and demonstrate our commitment to helping her. Best of all, Chef Jen could make food her client would really enjoy — and actually eat.

(Jen now travels with this athlete to big-time events like the U.S. Open to ensure the best nutrition during competition.)

While not everyone can afford a personal chef, customizing nutritional guidance (and meal plans, if you use them) to a client’s tastes is essential.

If your client is picky, don’t try to insist that they develop a taste for quinoa or sweet potatoes; find out what they do like and work with that.

5. You have to work the way your client works.

Health and fitness coaches: Think about online coaching for a moment. How do you get started?

Chances are you compose a nice email, and you attach an assessment form, maybe a food log for them to fill out, and maybe link to an article for them to read.

What if your client doesn’t have a computer?

In 2014, Brian St. Pierre started working with the NFL’s Cleveland Browns. Some of the guys on the team didn’t own computers. And if they did, they never used email.

And why should they? Their lives are spent on the field, in the gym, in film sessions, or enjoying some precious recovery time.

Since, nowadays, people can do almost anything on their phone that they can do on on a computer, they were usually only reachable via text.

At first, Brian admits he felt resistant. He’d been coaching using email for years. Now he had to relearn a new style of communicating and coaching.

But, using his client-centered coaching skills, Brian adapted his methods to his clients. He got over his personal bias, stopped emailing, and started texting.

Interestingly, the texting experience made Brian think more critically about what he was asking clients in the first place. He became more focused, narrowing down his assessments to the bare essentials.

Most importantly, his clients got what they needed.

How to be client-centered is one of the best lessons any coach can ever learn. As coaches, we always have to remind ourselves that it doesn’t matter what works for us.

What matters is what works for our clients.

6. Perfection is not required.

Since 2009, I’ve been helping MMA star / UFC legend Georges St-Pierre with his nutrition. Before I began putting together Georges’ eating strategy, I knew two things.

One, that he had a soft spot for McDonald’s and Subway.

Two, if you tell a client they can’t have their favorite foods, they might end up ignoring you completely.

Think about it. How well could putting my foot down and bossing around a professional fighter (and Welterweight champion of the world) possibly go?

So I gave Georges some suggested meals. These included a few main meals and a few Super Shakes each day. These would cover his nutritional bases.

Beyond that, I told him he could eat whatever he wanted if he was still hungry. I even suggested eating McDonald’s or Subway every few days. Daily, if he liked.

Georges was shocked. And delighted. He couldn’t believe his nutrition coach was basically inviting him to eat at McDonald’s.

Let’s face it: With Georges’ energy expenditure, one meal a day off-script isn’t going to tank his results. It also fit his goals: gaining muscle mass to fight competitors who were getting bigger all the time.

Of course, Georges is not your typical client, and this was not your typical eating strategy. But there is an important lesson here.

Perfection isn’t required for elite athletes — or for “regular” people.

For most people, aiming to get 80% of your meals on-point is an effective goal.

7. What works for one person won’t necessarily work for another.

Dietary trends tend to go in cycles. Ketogenic diets are among them, resurfacing now and then to grab media headlines. These can get the attention of top athletes who are looking for an edge — with varying results.

Here’s an example. For a while, there was a trainer who made a big splash putting NFL linemen on a strict ketogenic diet paired with high doses of certain supplements. Players/clients would come to his “camp” for about four weeks to learn how to eat this way.

One of these players was an offensive lineman for the Atlanta Falcons.

He heard about other NFL guys getting great results on the program, so he decided to give it a try himself. Within those four weeks, he saw immediate improvement: He got bigger, faster, stronger, leaner — all the things a lineman would want to see.

By the end of the four weeks, though, he started to feel a lot less awesome.

He was experiencing some major symptoms: everything from glucose control issues to hypoglycemia to brain fog to vertigo to anxiety and depressive moods. He even confessed to having suicidal thoughts.

But he had been so impressed by the initial results of the diet, he wanted to keep trying. He tried tinkering with it, cycling his keto days, but nothing worked.

So he called us.

We reintroduced carbs into his diet, recommending he eat 2-3 cupped handfuls of carbs at each meal (five times a day). At the same time, we decreased his fat intake a bit, which helped counter-balance the increase in carbs, calorie-wise.

Within 2-3 weeks, his blood glucose evened out, his anxiety went away, and his performance improved. Plus, the body composition changes he liked about the keto diet stayed the same: He maintained his leanness and his mass.

We found that he needs to be really consistent with his carbs in order to perform and feel his best.

That’s the thing about diets, protocols, and specific methods. Just because it works for one client doesn’t mean it’s going to work for another — even if they share the same goals, athletic ability and body type.

Plus, just because a particular approach can “work” (according to very specific metrics like body weight, for some period of time) doesn’t mean it’s going to work for every goal, indefinitely.

Individual needs should come before trends every time.

And outcome-based decision making should trump “this worked for some other guy” or “this should theoretically work for me”.

8. Bring important influencers (like family members) into the process.

For several years I provided nutrition consultation to Junior A hockey players.

(Here in Canada, Junior A is essentially one level below the NHL. These are the guys already drafted, or looking to get drafted, and become the next great NHL stars.)

While these players are already amazing athletes, they’re also young, usually teenagers. They still live with families, either their own or those they are staying with while playing for a team outside their home town.

When working with these future NHLers, I did some basic education, giving seminars and offering kitchen demos showing how to prepare basic healthy foods.

But I knew that wasn’t enough.

It didn’t matter much what I told the athletes. Because they weren’t the ones making the meals, or doing the shopping, or buying the food.

I had to get the family involved. So I would find out who prepared the meals at the homes where they were staying, then concentrate my efforts on them.

I gave them everything they needed, including:

Education about the needs of a young teenage hockey player

Cooking demos

Recipes and meal ideas

Grocery shopping guides

And more.

The more I could equip the family to cook well, the better the nutritional results would be for the athlete.

This relates to all kinds of clients, of all ages. Clients often tell us their biggest obstacle to eating better is other people: colleagues, friends, and most of all, family members such as spouses and kids.

Change doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Acknowledge the other influences in your clients’ lives. Help them work with loved ones and address any roadblocks together.

9. Intense training and strict eating will mess with your body. (But that’s OK for a little while.)

Precision Nutrition offers an elite athlete testing and coaching program which includes a battery of research-based physiological tests and assessments. These are designed to help athletes optimize their nutrition.

The tests include genetic, blood chemistry, food sensitivity, and microbiome analyses. To gather these data, we send a nurse to the athlete’s house or training facility, collect samples, and analyze them.

Then an interdisciplinary team (including our sports nutrition experts, our molecular genetics experts, and our physician) review and interpret the results.

We give the athletes a really comprehensive report of the findings. And then we use the findings to personally coach the athletes for the next six months.

A few months back, we tested a dozen track and field stars — some of whom just competed at the Rio Olympic Games — from the world-renowned Altis facility in Phoenix, Arizona.

In their lead-up to the games, we found something interesting.

Every one of the athletes had suboptimal sex hormone (testosterone, estrogen) levels and white blood cell counts. We discovered a host of other, more individual, things too. But this one was most interesting for two reasons.

First, it applied to both men and women.

Second, a few years back, when doing a pre-season training camp with NFL athletes at Nike HQ, we discovered some of the same things.

Of course, the results aren’t completely surprising. High intensity training has predictable consequences. It’s hard to get adequate calories, sleep, and stress management when you’re in an intense training block.

People who are training for the Olympics or for an NFL season are OK to make that trade-off. They know it’s temporary. And for most people, this kind of physical disruption isn’t dangerous if it’s for a short time.

However, it can become dangerous if you keep going at that level.

Most elite athletes take breaks after a training season, which provides a chance to rest, recover, and normalize. Its no surprise that many NHL athletes spend most of their off-season doing little more than lifting a fishing rod.

But many “regular” exercisers don’t respect the seasonality of sport. Which means, ironically, many of them are as much at risk of damaging their bodies through undereating and under recovery as Olympians.

So keep the long game in mind.

If a client is overtraining, bring the risks to their attention. If they’re making a sacrifice for an important goal, be clear about the tradeoffs.

And always be asking: What’s the goal? How do we get you there as safely as possible? When’s it time to back off and rest?

10. Just because a food is “healthy” doesn’t mean it’s good for everyone.

One client from our elite athlete program is Mikel Thomas, a hurdler from Trinidad and Tobago. Mikel was preparing for the Rio Olympics but was having some issues with recovery.

We conducted our usual battery of tests. In reviewing the data, we noticed he had a high iron saturation, and his UIBC (Unsaturated Iron Binding Capacity) was low. Both factors pointed to an excessive iron intake.

Pretty unusual for a vegetarian.

We also did a food sensitivities test, and noticed an intolerance to chickpeas.

(Note: While food sensitivities tests aren’t 100% reliable on their own, when used in the context of a full spectrum of tests and assessments, they can help give us extra clues about what’s going on.)

When we looked at Mikel’s food log we noticed that most of his meals were based around chickpeas. Giving thought to the data as a whole, we hypothesized that this dietary staple (typical for someone from Trinidad and Tobago, especially for a vegetarian) was actually causing a negative reaction in his body.

Fortunately, when we had Mikel replace chickpeas with alternative protein and carbohydrate sources such as quinoa, his recovery got better.

The moral of this story is not that chickpeas are bad. They offer carbohydrates, some protein, and various vitamins and minerals. They are a nutritious food.

But just because a food is considered “healthy” — or even a “superfood” — doesn’t mean it’s optimal for your client. Especially if it’s over-consumed.

11. Physiological markers don’t tell the whole story.

In 2011 and 2012, as mentioned above, I participated in Nike’s NFL Football Training Camp Pro. This camp brings together 10-15 high-level NFL athletes for a week-long camp of testing, training, eating, and learning experience on Nike’s campus.

The camp included athletes like Ndamukong Suh, Kam Chancellor, Patrick Chung, Jonathan Stewart, Steven Jackson, Greg Jennings, and more. And, at the camp, I delivered nutritional seminars and education to the athletes. I also ran some physiological testing for them.

Interestingly, I tested better than all the guys there on a host of standard markers of health such as sex hormone levels (testosterone, DHEA, etc), vitamin D levels, Omega 3 levels, and more.

Yep, when it came to these health markers, I dominated the NFL stars.

But you know what I wasn’t better at?

Playing football.

This was a great reminder that while physiological markers can be useful, they don’t give us the whole picture. And that putting too much focus on any particular non-sport performance indicator can lead you down a dangerous path.

At Precision Nutrition, we’re proud to be data-driven. We like numbers and tests and metrics of all kinds. But we also know it’s not the complete picture.

You have to look at the whole person to a real sense of what’s going on.

What to do next: Some tips from Precision Nutrition

1. Don’t make assumptions.

Appearances can be deceiving. Just because someone is a star in their sport or looks the part doesn’t mean they have advanced nutrition skills.

Instead of making assumptions or guesses about where your client is at, ask questions. Listen. Observe.

Seek to understand rather than to prove yourself right.

2. Remember that in many ways, we’re all the same.

Elite athletes — they’re just like us!

Our lives may be very different but, in the end, we’re all human. We all want to enjoy our food and have some fun. We all have our favorite indulgences and the foods that make us curl up our lips in disgust.

Whether you’re working with celebrities, top athletes, busy executives or just neighborhood folks in your local gym, remember that at the end of the day, you’re coaching people.

3. Remember that in other ways, we’re all completely different.

What works for one client might not work for another. No matter how “super” the food or how “killer” the diet, there is no one-size-fits-all.

And what works for you might not work for your clients, either.

You may have spent years perfecting your intake forms, for example, but what happens when a client doesn’t have a computer? Or is constantly on the go and never has time to look at it?

Your job as a coach is to focus on understanding and supporting the needs of each client. This takes work and practice and, believe me, it is humbling sometimes.

But that’s what it takes to be a client-centered coach.

4. Screw perfection. Help your clients get a tiny bit better.

An all-or-nothing mentality won’t help your clients get anywhere, even if they’re top athletes who are used to aiming for perfection.

Looking for small ways to improve is the best way to keep moving consistently toward change.

That might mean letting a client keep her weekly supersweet Frappucino monstrosity. Or helping her choose the best option on a hotel menu. Or packing her own snacks for the plane.

You don’t need to get rid of everything a client is doing and every indulgence they have. Nor should you.

Find ways of helping them move forward, one tiny little bit at a time.

5. Seek out and celebrate your clients’ superpowers.

Whether they’re a gold medalist or they’ve never set foot in a gym, every single client possesses their own special superpowers.

One of your jobs as a coach is to help them figure out what they’re already good at and put those abilities to use.

Maybe they’re a data junkie and they can use their spreadsheet nerdiness to track their food like a pro. Or maybe they appreciate nature and will enjoy discovering local farms and farmers markets.

Maybe they lack information at the moment but have a great ability to learn. Maybe they routinely fall off the wagon — but they always, always get back on.

Help your clients recognize their own superpowers, and then put them to use.

Celebrate the good stuff. Call out progress every chance you get.

They might never be an NFL star, but you can be their cheerleader.

You can help them become their own superstar.

Want strategies to level up your coaching?

It’s no secret that master coaches develop over time, through education and consistent practice, usually under the guidance of a mentor or coach.

Precision Nutrition is the only company in the world that both works with thousands of our own nutrition coaching clients and teaches health, fitness, and wellness professionals our real-world methods for getting results.

And here’s some great news: Our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class kicks off on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2019.

Want to achieve total confidence in your coaching skills? Get (and keep) more clients? Grow and strengthen your practice? If so, the Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification is definitely for you.

It’s designed specifically for Level 1 students and grads who realize that knowing about the science of nutrition isn’t enough.

Part master class, part grad program, part mentorship, it’s the only course in the world designed to help you master the art of coaching, meaning better results for your clients and a better practice for you.

Since we only take a limited number of professionals, and since the program sells out every time, I strongly recommend you add your name to our VIP List below. When you do, you get the chance to sign up 24 hours before everyone else. Even better, you get a huge discount off the general price of the program.

[Note: The Level 2 Master Class is only for students and grads of our Level 1 Certification. So if you haven’t yet enrolled in that program, please begin there.]

Interested? Add your name to the VIP list. You’ll save up to 37% and secure your spot 24 hours before everyone else.

We’ll be opening up spots in our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class on Wednesday, October 2nd.

If you want to find out more, we’ve set up the following VIP list which gives you two advantages.

Pay less than everyone else. We like to reward people who are eager to get started and ready to gain mastery in their coaching practice. So we’re offering a discount of up to 37% off the general price when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list.

Sign up 24 hours before the general public and increase your chances of getting a spot. We only open the PN Master Class twice per year. Due to high demand and a very limited number of spots, we expect it to sell out fast. But when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list, we’ll give you the opportunity to register a full 24 hours before anyone else.

If you’re ready to take the next step in becoming a world-class coach, we’re ready to share our knowledge and help you master the art of coaching.

The post 11 things I’ve learned coaching elite and professional athletes. Lessons from our work with NFL, NBA, UFC, & Olympic champions. appeared first on Precision Nutrition.

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[missy6492-blog]

2016 in Review

The New Year....A time for new ideas, new beginnings and ultimately CHANGE! Alot can happen in a year, and I have found that 2016 has really proven itself to be one of the ones I will find hard to forget. My life over the last 12 months both personally and professionally have come a long way and I have grown so much as a person. So, ahead of pastures new, I thought I’d reflect on some of the biggest highlights I’ve had over the last 12 months in this blog!  

But let’s start from the beginning....

Initially upon entering the year, I made a vow to myself that I would get work in Radio in some format, or that I would at least have progressed forward with my chosen career path in some way albeit paid or not. I just wanted to really grab the bull by the horns and make bigger strides than I had done previously.

I’m pleased to say I think I achieved my goal and then some! This year I had the fantastic oppourtunity to do work experience at some of the biggest radio stations in the country. In February, I worked at London’s Capital FM in Leicester Square as part of their charities department and, following on from that, I played a role in their promo video for a Capital Xtra Music Potential Advert which was then released on all their social media platforms. I have to say, getting to work there was overwhelming to say the least! Global really is a magnificent building both on the outside and in! I’d never seen anything quite like it. It was actually rather overwhelming for me to be in there working as I had only ever walked past it.... Nevermind been in and done work! The vibe there is electric  (Excuse the pun) and the whole experience was rather surreal to say the least as ever since I started I’d always wanted to work with Global in some capacity. Having realised this dream only 2 months in, definitely set the tone for what was to be an amazing upcoming year!

After a truly incredible time in London, I had to expand upon my growing knowledge but possibly a little closer to home as living 270 miles away from the city isn’t ideal really! My next stop lead me to the newspaper ‘Mansfield Chad’ offices. I’ve always had an interest in journalism and wanted to broaden my writing skills. So this was another really good chance to do that and quite a different environment in comparison to that of a radio station setting. It was again for another week, in which I gathered vox pop’s, edited articles to be used in the coming days and I even managed to get a few people in the paper who I knew needed publicity for their growing busineses so giving back to the community in that respect was very fufilling. It was a steep learning curve at the life of a journalist and it’s no easy feit I can safely assure you! But an experience I can take with me anywhere I go which leads me to my next placement...

The  Lincs FM Group in Doncaster saw me join their News Team at Trax FM (One of their sister stations) for 1 week. I’d never previously done anything (other than the Mansfield Chad) that was particulalr newsy and in terms of a radio station, a department at which I’d not ventured into before, so joining the team there was certainly an eye opener. They used software I hadn’t come across before, and it was interesting to see how they put bulletins together and gathered their material. It was a fun placement, although I don’t think Trevor McDonald will be quaking in his boots at the prospect of me reading the news any time soon!

My Final placement of the year came later on when I was to intern at one of the bigger radio stations in the Bauer Media Group “Hallam FM”. On this placement I helped their programmer Simon Nicks, and (once Simon had left) his succesor Rhidian Jones, with editing audio, creating audio, filming for radio segments and also some street teaming segments that were used across their social media platforms. This placement I have to say was much more interwined with what I want to do in the future in radio and was in turn, the most fun I’d had with all the radio stations!

I was involved both on and off air, sitting in on their drivetime and mid-morning shows with the legends Richie Pearson and Simon Morykin. I also worked with the breakfast shows Leizel when we filmed a part for “Big John’s Rude Awakening” feature. It was definitely encouraging to be around people in radio who really loved their jobs and wanted to create the best content which, to be fair, could be said for all of the placements I’d done. But to know I contributed to their output in a way, made me feel proud and ever the more passionate about going forward.

Ultimately, all of my placements taught me something new each time and furthered me to becoming better in my given roles. Its certainly been a crazy busy year, what with the placements I’ve done aswell as attending masterclasses with the Queen’s Young Leader’s Program. I also attended several personal training courses which consequently saw me qualify in Kettlebell and TRX Suspension Training and still managed to do my drivetime shows at ErewashSound inbetween this....OH! and there was also the slightly small factor that during all of this which no-one really knew about till later on... I’m expecting a baby!

Yep, throughout the most of this year, I kept my pregnancy relatively under wraps.... Mainly for fear I wouldn’t be accepted onto one placement or another due to my current “condition”.

Now then, I know we aren’t in the stone age anymore and pregnancy isn’t looked upon like a disease nowadays, but I didn’t want people in my industry to judge my ability purely on my pregnancy. I wanted to show what I could do and be judged for it without that being taken into consideration. This choice meant I worked until I was 8 months pregnant.... and you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing!

I’ve had some of the best and worst times this year, from a relationship breaking down to finding out I was expecting a baby... to fufiling some of my biggest goals. It really has been a whirlwind! I really don’t know what 2017 holds for me (After this year, to be honest I’ve given up trying to guess!!), but what I do know is that I am thankful for the lessons 2016 has given me... Namely that nothing stays the same, everything and EVERYONE changes in life. When you make plans, God laughs... All You can do is just go with the flow and do the best you can. Be the best you you can be and don’t let anyone try to stop you from doing that. Anything that costs you your inner peace is too expensive!!

For now, going forward, I’m ready to recieve the blessings 2017 has in store for me. The biggest one, obviously, being my healthy baby boy!!

I hope you all achieve your dreams in the coming year, and whatever it is you didn’t do but wanted to.... go out and get them done! Rewards aren’t given, unless they are worked for!

Finally,

Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year

Mel XOXO

[unikornu]

Page 17 - Reunion,

AO3 version -> link

Time was passing by as Gage was awaiting for Lucy to wake up after their hassle in the vault, still keeping her weapons stored under the chair he was sitting on. It was awkwardly silent, only the sound of him puffing the smoke of the cigarette in the air could have been heard but as he finished, throwing the butt aside she finally opened her eyes and slowly pushed herself up by the elbows from the scraps of mattress Gage found around.

- Are you okay, Boss? Gage stood up from the chair, awaiting the response before approaching her.

- Fuck...my head. Why does it hurt so much? She touched her forehead with the tip of the fingers where he hit her, leaving a small bump.

- Well...you weren’t quite yourself back there so i had to...put you down, one way or another. Knowing she is back to her senses he walked up to her and offered a hand.

- Shit...sorry, i couldn’t control myself and...the voice...ugh, he kept pushing me to do it. She mumbled and grabbed his hand, standing up shortly with his help and bumping against his chest.

- What voice? I didn’t hear anything. He looked down at her, curious.

- The same voice i heard sometimes...when i arrived here and later too. It doesn’t matter...its probably just drugs or my mind playing tricks on me over and over. She didn’t know how to explain it to Gage, as she wasn’t sure herself why that voice and the mysterious figure strangely similar to her pre-war boss was present around her.

- You sure you are okay? Because if there is more, then that’s the time to tell me. Gage never liked secrets among people he decided to work with, especially when their relationship became as unprofessional as it was. None of them would admit openly their feelings but they were just going on with it, without too many words. It felt easier like that in the place where no one knows what next day might bring.

- Yeah, we have some cores to deliver for now and then we need to make sure our plan gets to Nisha’s skin and her gang. Lucy still preferred to dodge the confusing talk about that shade, hunting her on a few occasions. There were more important things and she would rather touch such topic on a more stable ground rather than in a dirty old storage, before starting a massacre in Nuka Town.

- Alright..i won’t push it but we will get back to it, eh? He noticed her troubled face, trying to dodge the direct eye contact as they were standing close to each other.

He knew the time is running short so he decided to use the last occasion of them being just together in a place quiet and safe before storming back to the business to ensure no matter what they went through they are still standing together on a solid ground. As she finally looked back up at him he caught her chin with his fingers and leaned down to kiss her. This time it was just a soft kiss, with no rushing and no necessary pushing, the one that said he cares about her despite how crazy things get around them. She closed her eyes and gave back in with no hesitation, her hands just wandering over his shoulders and chest. He accepted her for how she is, even if confused or slightly chaotic but there wasn’t an option of saying “no” to everything that place has offered and especially to a man who gave her back the purpose in life she was willing to give her mostly blackened heart into.

- Right...anyway, good to have you back, Boss. He said as he pulled off, reaching for her knife attached to his leg strap and handing it to her.

- Thank you, Gage. She smirked and took a knife from his hand, her soft blush slowly fading away from the cheeks. - Check how is the situation outside while i get myself ready. She ordered and approached the pile of her gear stored under the chair, that Gage took away earlier.

As he left the room and she was crouching and gathering it up she heard the steps behind her back, stopping nearby. The shivers crawled upon her arms, she wanted to look but knowing its probably who she think it is she just froze.

- Not again....he will just go away, like always. She whispered to herself.

- No i won’t. The voice echoed, directly to her ears.

As she slowly turned her head, she spotted him, again but this time being so close the details were more visible, sharp and still familiar. The same shadow of a man, showing up for reasons she couldn’t connect neither understand.

- You aren’t real, its just my head. I killed you, i saw your body on the ground before they nuked everything. She finally turned around and stood up, facing the living memory of her pre-war employer and chef, Harrison.

- Wrong, Feit. I’m here, just...in a different shape and form.

The figure of the shadow was a man in his 50′s, still dressed in the clothes he died in, wearing the same stoic, serious face that was shouting her orders back then.

- No...no, that is not even possible. Why do i even talk to you...i’m just crazy. She shook her head in disbelief and took a step forward, almost sure she will just go past him, her shoulder going through his, like a ghost but this didn’t happen. She could feel her arm brushing his as she walked past him.

- Stop. She gasped loudly as he grabbed her by the wrist.

- Fuck..let go, what do you want? Just go away already, like you always do! She tried to pull her hand off but the grip was strong, almost painful.

- I promised to protect these i care about, long time ago, when we first met. You might not remember since you were a kid but i kept my promise. She took a step back, still struggling but he caught her other hand as well.

- Protect? You fucking haunt me! Why? She asked, the irritation raising in her voice.

- It’s your fault! Your memories, the bad ones of me, you project them and i’m stuck with these too. The experiment...you never believed in, was real, i’m here now, i was with you in a pod for two hundred years, my soul. The more his voice and informations were being shoved in her face the more her eyes were widening.

- And why do you tell me this only now?! After all that time i have been here?

- It’s the gas, in this vault, sharpened your mind and allowed me to stick around for a longer while, memories of this place...we have been here together..a lot. He released her as he slowly started fading away.

- If...this is truth, what do you want, how do i...get rid of you? I can’t live with you doing this to me all the time. She noticed him disappearing again, asking question in a rush.

- I don’t know Feit...but i only discovered that desire can be a strong force of a feeling. Just...try to think better of me, kid.

As he finally faded away, she dropped to her knees, gathering the thoughts of what just happened. Harrison was indeed her boss before the war, provided her with job, money source, some care but tough fatherly love too, it felt toxic at times but she never dared to let him down. He was weird in a way, despite being shot on many occasion, never bled, barely aged and believing there were experiments projects on building synths but back then were causing quite a baffle. Was it really the truth he was that failed project which managed to escape and sneak itself between the criminal society, driving on with his own plans and possesing a power normal folk could only read in comics. She ran a hand over her face, this was the worst moment to hear about such things, out of nowhere, just like that but she had no choice but to swallow it for now, hearing Gage going back towards the room forced her mind on a task at hand as she swiftly pulled herself back up.

- Boss, we might need to leave the cores for now. Porter looked more nervous than usual.

- What is it? Lucy joined him, walking beside towards the exit and stumbling upon Lizzie with an operator guard. - Lizzie? What are you doing here?

- Nisha attacked first, not so long after you left. She was breathing rapidly, running all the way from Nuka Town to deliver the news, leaning forward and holding herself onto the knees with her hands. - Its a massacre, it would have been worse if Mags and Mason didn’t know the plan.

- Shit, we need to get back there, now. Gage nodded in agreement. -Lizzie, get these cores and set up this park, we need make sure they will have as little places to hide. She threw her a bag filled with strong orange shade glowing out of it.

- You sure Boss you don’t want me to go with you two? Lizzie asked, peeking curiously inside the bag.

- I’m sure, Lizzie. I need you here and you know more about any tech than two of us. Lucy nodded at her and shook her arm. - Wish us luck.

- Not luck but a decent firepower, Boss. Lizzie smiled at her as she straightened herself up, handing them a few grenades in exchange.

- Alright, be careful, Lizzie.

The duo left in hurry, running without a break towards the Nuka Town entrance, seeing flames raising from behind the walls and shouts of battle echoing in the nightly dark sky. A certain familiar shadow was right behind them.

--------

As they stopped at the entrance, hugging the outside wall and peeking inside they could agree it was indeed a massacre, disciples specialty and Dixie was the one leading all that bloody chaos.

- William! She shouted as she spotted the operator in the crowd mixed with pack and bodies of these unfortunate to find cover dropping around.

- Boss! William was leading a small operator group near the market, helping the traders flee to safety of its walls and block all the doors while Mags was busy around the Parlor.

- How’s the situation? Gage asked as they ran up to him, dodging the flying knives and bullets covering their backs.

- It’s a fucking mess, Porter if you didn’t notice yet but we will get them all, sooner or later. His voice was calm and focused. William’s manners were the same, even on battlefield in the middle of mayhem, still finding a window to brush a hand through his hair that were getting messed up in a rush of a fight.

- Mason sure has a good time. Lucy spotted a bunch of pack leaded by the spoken man, his adrenaline pumping high as his face was twisted in a crazy cheerful manner, covered in blood, giving it all to the disciples through the bullets of his rifle and fist crushing the throats of these defeated, their howls and growls making some take a few steps back.

- Yeah, anyway, where is Nisha? She asked directly.

- We didn’t see her, Dixie is leading along with Savoy in other parts of town. William sighted deeply, scanning down his armor being already covered in thick splatters of blood. - Great....

- No wonder its a chaos then. We need to find her first, they will most likely start to give up once she is dead. Lucy suggested.

- Alright Boss but we stick together. They nodded at each other and rushed deeper into town, having their eyes all around for anyone trying to put them down and looking out for one particular crazy woman. As they were moving forward, Gage putting his rifle and precision to good use and Lucy covering other member gangs around as well as themselves with her pistol and blade ready to stab anyone entering their private zone the loud and girly cheerful voice finally got to them. Dixie was nearby Cappy Cafe, harrasing the traders and tourists that didn’t manage to escape the town on time.

- Oh, come on, we just want to have a little fun, at last! Her shouts got disturbed by the bullet flying next to her head. She was crazy but still a dangerous opponent.

- Finally, the mighty sweet Boss herself showed up to join the party but i bet you can catch me. She ran away, disappearing between the crowds fighting, inside the alley.

- Fuck, we can’t let her get away, not now! Lucy rushed after her but Gage got caught up in assisting the others, losing her from the sight.

- Shit, Boss, wait! Gage yelled after her but to no success as the sounds of war were louder than his tries of stopping her.

Lucy realized how fucked she was once she ended up in a dead end with Dixie on her back, appearing from the shadows and away from everyone else.

- Oh my, we might actually finally have a nice girl chit chat. She was chuckling, her madness and confidence striking a pinch of fear in Lucy’s heart. Dixie was everything she never wanted to become, mad, wicked to the bone, killing just for pleasure of it. She was still bad person but never lost her humanity in a process, never let herself to arise to a level of a crazy psychopathy everyone thought Dixie is.

- We couldn’t find a better fucking occasion, indeed. She responded and pointed her pistol at the disciple but she was fast, even than she ever was, lunging right at her and slashing the blade through her arm. Lucy dropped the pistol, pain forcing her so and blocked the next attack with her knife, carried in the other hand, stepping backwards till she meet the wall. She realized to defeat the opponent like her she needed support. They were exchanging swings, some of them missing and striking the concrete wall Lucy was forced to and cuts, some of them leaving painful cuts and droplets of blood flying around. It was too intense, Lucy had to force herself out of that corner. She pushed forcefully Dixie aside, despite her blade puncturing her in the ribs and started running towards the main street.

- Oh already going? But we had such a nice talk Boss. Dixie smiled, widely, knowing she is scared and walking in a girly jumpy manner after her, calling her out.

- Shit, shit...Lucy knew its too late to regret running after her but as she turned around the corner she spotted Savoy, coming to her direction from the crowd in the main street as well as Dixie voice echoing through the alley behind. She caught a deep breath, pushing a hand to the wound and retreating back towards the back entrance of Nuka Cade. She smashed the rusty lock from the door and kicked the door open, hoping to escape the deadly duo pursuing her. Her body was full of cuts from Dixie and the wound in her ribs was slowly becoming a visible problems as she had problems to catch a breath.

Lucy ran through her pockets for any stimpak, anything that could put her back on feet and give at least slight chance to win that fight. Meanwhile Gage was running all over the town, looking for her, worried and angry but forced to continue the assistance with remaining disciples.

- Really, nothing in here? The door leading outside the nuka cade workshop were sturdily chained, impossible to break in short amount of time she had and the only thing left in her pocket was last dose of calmex.

- Fucking hell. She stumbled on a piece of scrap and dropped near the pile of robotic parts and other broken metallic scraps, all mixed in a big messy pile. Kneeling down and hearing the steps slowly shortening the distance towards the door she pushed the needle inside her arm as there was nothing else she could do. She laughed silently to herself, at her own stupidity and impulsive decisions always making her end up in these kind of situations, just this time one thing changed. Lucy found her place, the people she could stick around without feeling bad for who she is, as they were crocked in a same fashion and a man she wanted to keep in her daily life, even fall in love with. Her mind strangely drifted back to all the memories of this place and Gage and what the shadow told her recently along with it.

- I don’t want to die..not now. If you promised to protect me that might be the perfect occasion. She joked to herself but the tear shined in her eye and dropped down her cheek as the door shat open.

- Well, well, so we meet again, Boss. A fucking pleasure. Savoy stepped in and pushed Dixie away from the door. - Just us, Dixie. I want to have some fun too, just two of us.

- Ughhh you always ruin the fun Savoy, fine but leave me some scraps for later. Dixie hmphed but left them alone.

- Stupid bitch, she might not even realize we got fucked and we are losing. He chuckled from under his metallic mask. - Still, i hope to bring a souvenir down with me, in a shape of your sweet dead body, Boss.

Lucy remember what he left her after their last meeting and she was sure he won’t be as gentle this round. Despite the pain and wound she still pulled herself up with the knife ready in one hand, pushing the other one to the wound. Savoy was big, strong and determined, pushing her off balance even with a successful block, dropping heavily to the ground with the next swing. He sat over her, pushing himself onto her and wrapping his hand around her throat.

- Now..this is gonna be a fucking pleasure. She was struggling, trying to free herself but she was too weak in her state, slowly giving up and just hoping deeply Gage or anyone would find her right now. She closed her eyes, feeling like the time slowed down for a moment, a green strokes of smoke raising around her and flying towards the pile of scrap behind them. When Savoy raised his hand with a sharp blade in his palm ready to strike her, a robotic skeleton raised from underneath the parts, lunging at him and pushing him away.

- What the fuck. He stood up, fast, looking as the synth like structure standing between him and Lucy, prepared to attack and its eyes glowing in a strong green shade, swirls of same color raising around it.

- I swore i won’t fail again to protect these in my care! The broken arm proved to be more dangerous than it looked, its tip sharp as the disciple knife, ripping through Savoy armor and exposed parts. Despite being a broken structure Savoy struggled, failing to keep up as the synth was furious and tireless. He shoved the whole broken arm into his abdomen, filling his body with a swirls of his smoke, slowly burning him from inside. Savoy screamed his lungs out as an energetic and supernatural power swallowed him whole inside and his half burned body dropped shortly to the floor. Gage heard these shouts from distance when running around the alleys.

- Harrison...? Can’t be..how? Lucy struggled to keep her eyes open as the synth turned back to her and nodded.

- Yes. You didn’t want to die, your mind got so focused on this along with drugs it finally pushed me away. He kneeled over her and looked across the room for any stimpak. At the same time Gage finally managed to find her, storming into the room with his rifle raised up at the synth and noticing Savoy body next to him.

- Get the fuck away from her! Boss! He gave a warning shot, bullet bouncing off the metallic structure.

- Gage...stop! Its alright, i’m okay now, he is on our side. Lucy raised her hand. - Please tell me you have a stimpak. She coughed up some blood onto her hand as she covered her mouth.

- Of course i do. He rushed to her and scanned her body. - Christ, what were you thinking?! Going off, alone like that. He injected the meds in her body and slowly pulled her back to siting position, looking at the synth beside them.

- Wasn’t the first time i was stupid like that. She rested her head against his chest, relieved.

- Now, what the hell is this? He nodded towards the robotic creature.

- It’s...Harrison..i think. My boss from before the bombs fell...my last secret i didn’t tell you about. She sighted, noticing his surprised look. - I’m sorry but that was...too crazy to even tell you about, i barely could understand it. We will talk about it once the fight it over, okay? She brushed his rough cheek with her hand, her amber eyes glancing at along with a soft smile.

- Uhm...alright, Boss. He gave a suspicious look to Harrison as he stood up, not being even sure what kind of questions to ask about this but most important was that Lucy was found and safe, in his arms. Temptation to kiss her right there was strong, too strong to hold it any longer even with a pair of green eyes looking down at them. He didn’t care and felt the same need striking from her as she pulled herself up even closer.

Covered in blood, messed up and tired, they were just happy to survive yet another fight, most important one on that journey, ensuring some safety and her position in the town. Their lips met once again, caught in a passionate deep kiss, Gage keeping her close, wrapping his hand around her back and Lucy just hanging onto his shoulders. Harrison even if not sure what he was at this moment still had enough decency to look in another direction.

- Gage, .i..lov...

- I know...Boss, shit... i..feel the same way. He interrupted as she mumbled once he pulled off.

They looked at each other for a moment, knowing what words they wished would come out of their mouths but in the raider world that sentence was almost sacred, scary, to hear it out loud, yet they knew and kept in swollen in back of their mouths for now.

- Right...Harrison, you need to hide here till its over and we figure..you out. They will just turn you into a complete scrap otherwise. Lucy slowly stood up, feeling the stimpak working onto her wounded body.

- Fair enough, Feit. Just be careful since i won’t be around from now. The synth jaw moved and its face twisted in a grumpy expression she knew and remembered from back then.

Gage decided not to comment anything yet before dealing with the last of the disciples still running around the town and putting the fires in the town down. Blood and traces of fight were everywhere, countless bodies of the opposite gang laying around and cornered scared traders slowly peeking out of their covers and nuka market. Nisha was nowhere around, neither Dixie voice was no longer heard, most probably fled from the town to scrape whatever was left from the massacre to eventually strike again from the shadows later on. What was important is the duo dealt with situation and Operators along with Pack for once found the same language that lead them to the successful defense. Lizzie managed to set up defenses in the Galactic Zone, turning back any remaining disciples away from the gates and ensuring that last place in Nuka World belongs to them, the operators. Mason was just happy to have his part of the deal seen as the daily light of the morning sun started crawling up from the horizon, shining upon piles of dead bodies of so hated gang he did put down. As Gage and Lucy strolled towards Fizztop, saluting the leaders on the way they knew its still not over since Nisha was sure alive. Town was in a huge need of cleaning and re-organizing since one base just got a vacancy. Also her social circle got new strange addition that was haunting her all that time since the arrival, Harrison. There was a lot of to discuss and plan onward but in that moment they just wanted to catch a breath and enjoy their company, alone, back at patio, without anyone trying to kill them.

[unikornu]

Page 18 is out.

“Welcome to Lucy's diary - a set of short pages of her minor adventures in Nuka World and embracing the raider life along with Gage by her side and mysterious figure following her behind. Where would a pre-war killer, disappointed in justice system, crocked and bent towards criminal life find her new home? Could it be between the most hated society, along raiders as the Nuka World signal calls her one last time?”

Chapters: 18/?

Fandom: Fallout 4 Relationships: Porter Gage/Female Sole Survivor Words: 46178 

Page 18 -  A Guest,  

(Words: 2440)

The burn stench and smell of blood was still felt throughout the streets of Nuka town even if heat of the battle was put down to the dust of its dirty grounds. The pack raiders were cheering and howling in a victory leaving the operators faces just slightly disgusted of such a behavior but letting the smirk show up on their faces anyway because it was indeed an important fight that they just won.

 Lucy was walking towards Fizztop with Gage supporting her gently with an arm wrapped around her, she didn’t care about other’s people eyes this time, she was relieved but tired and still having in the back of her head the newly raised problem in a shape of Harrison. She felt a pinch of happiness seeing him back again, still in a shape of a metallic skeleton but she knew it was still him, the same one she left 200 years ago. The only thing bothering her was how to deal with his arrival in the glance of the whole town but for now the focus got switched to the Black duo and Mason awaiting them at the bottom of the Grille mountain.

- So the Overboss not only strikes a plan but makes it out alive after all. Mags started, brushing with a napkin the remains of the blood from her fingers.

- Did what have to be done. That was a deal. Lucy responded while moving out of Gage’s arm and nodding to him in a grateful manner.

- And you have our respect for that. At least enough to not consider killing you anymore. Mags chuckled, trying to joke but still sounding way too serious in her stiff voice tone. Lucy could only smile with a corner of her lips, raising an eyebrow in a response.

- Anyway...did any of you see Nisha? Mason? She turned to the pack leader.

- No, Boss. We already scoured every corner of the street. The chicken bitch probably ran away to strike later like a coward when we ain’t looking. He shrugged, a little grump heard in his voice but he was still standing proud, cheerful enough of having a chance to finally crash some necks he wanted to strangle before anyway but rules were keeping him away.

- Now at least we can organize a decent civilized meeting. William started, steeping up to Lucy. - With the bloody psychos gone we can think of finally getting hands on the power plant, make this place really shine, Boss. He looked down at her with a shine in his eye that only made Gage release a deep sigh.

- Okay, hold on. We will get to this but let her catch a breather too. It’s been hell of a run. Gage interrupted, stepping up and convincing to leave them, at least till the next morning.

- Alright, Boss ,we will be around. Stop by us when you are ready. Mags sighted and pulled William behind her, back to Parlor. Mason still went for a stroll through the streets, keeping his nose up and eyes open, searching for any disciples potentially still hiding around.

- Ah, Boss, before i forget. Mags turned around and handed to Lucy the most smooth and perfectly folded piece of suit she have ever seen, its color dark olive like wearing a swirly gold shiny ornaments all over. Lucy’s eyes shined, looking down at it as she gently took it from the operator’s boss hands. - A gift...that you are part of us, now, the Operators. Mags nodded with a soft smirk as Lucy whispered a quiet and honest “thank you” between them two. It felt warm and welcoming, a nice change and good place to start a cooperation.

When everyone left back towards their quarters Lucy pushed the entrance door to the Fizztop, shutting it right after her and dropping her head down while leaning with her hand on a door wing, other one holding a suit under the arm.

- Finally....some fucking peace but we have another problem. She pushed herself away.

- Harrison....right? Gage took her by the arm and lead towards the elevator. Lucy only nodded in response, corners of her lips turning downwards, not even a clean shiny suit smelling of pre-war perfume could change that. - So...what the fuck is he exactly? He asked.

- A fairly successful pre-war experiment....a mix of human and synth...something about probing a human soul and injecting it into other sources. At least its what i heard from him right before...well i shot him. She brushed the inner corners of her eyes, leaning her head on Gage shoulder as the elevator was taking them up to his room.

- I don’t know if i want to ask more...shit. All that weird scientific mumble wasn’t something that was easy for him to understand but he tried his best to at least not call this bullshit.

-Still..what are you planning...what is he planning to do? Stay here? I mean...what are going to tell the others? Gage walked behind Lucy’s back, unloading a mouthful of questions that she could no longer bear the moment they arrived in the middle of his room.

- Gage, i don’t fucking know! She punched the wooden table standing next to her. Gage stopped abruptly, closing his mouth. He reached for her shoulder as she leaned against the table, her head facing the floor.

- It all happened so fast yet more problems arise...i mean...i’m kind of glad to see him, he saved my fucking ass but i’m just tired and we need solution, fast. She squeezed his hand as he shook her shoulder and pulled her to his chest.

- Mags probably will find out even about the Institute deals, sooner or later, its her nature to dig for every secret. Maybe we just tell them truth. Gage suggested, shrugging his arms, looking down at her doubtful look.

- About deals it won’t hurt but Harrison? No....they won’t trust him unless he looks at least like human. Right now i need to find someone who can repair him and keep his mouth shut. She sighted and walked off to Gage’s bed, dropping gracefully onto it and holding up the suit. - It looks nice....reminds me of the office..back then.

Gage sat next to her and leaned down, sweeping the strand of hair off her forehead, taking in all the peace and quiet this park never seen since her arrival. Despite the bed being made for just one person he still squeezed and lied next to her, taking the suit away from her and putting it down next to bed.

- I might know someone who can help us with this...guy of yours but how bout we take a moment to ourselves before jumping into the wheel of murder and mayhem again?

- That’s so fucking poetic of you. Lucy chuckled and started taking her armor parts off. - So much better.

- You don’t have to stop there. Gage grinned, trying to look away but he couldn’t dodge that pair of amber eyes accompanied with a honest smile, striking him like a bullet in the heart. They were lying down, their sides pushed to each other and their faces just looking at one another.

- I don’t think you will need it right now. She reached for his eyepatch, slipping it slowly away. Gage hesitated, raising his hand to stop her but eventually allowed it. She got his full trust on that.

- We should talk over the plans for the morning, it will be even harder to sleep now that Nisha’s hiding, hell knows where. She turned to him, throwing her leg over his and digging her nails in the fabric of his top.

- Yeah...we definitely should. He turned as well and pushed her close, not waiting any word longer to kiss her, now that they have all that moment just for themselves, not knowing how long it will last he just decided to use it all. As she returned the kiss back to him, trying to crawl on top of him it only pushed him and his stuffed deep emotions harder, pushing her back onto the bed and ending instead on top of her, the kisses getting more deep and passionate, letting the soft shiver crawl the back of her neck. That was completely something else, more romantic and thoughtful even if rushed but the only sound she could release was the one of pleasure sights and soft moans as his lips went down her neck and his hands crawling up and down, all over her body, stripping down to the underwear in no time.

- I swear i will shoot anyone trying to disturb us right now. Gage pulled off his shirt and threw it to the side. She was scanning his chest, eyes slowly going down, not feeling the heavy blush coming up on her face. As they were about continue the sound of a broken glass came from the hallway.

- Are you fucking kidding me. Lucy crawled from under him, grabbing a pistol from underneath the clothes, unfolding the suit shirt in a rush and putting it on, squinting in the shadows of the hallway, just a gentle candle shade barely lighting up the place. She slowly stood up, Gage was ready right behind, pointing their firearms around. Taking light step after step she noticed a green shine like eyes, staring from shadow in the corner just ahead of her.

- Put that gun down, Feit. Lucy gasped loudly as the metallic arm grabbed and jerked her pistol away, bullet fired in the ceiling, wrecking some structure.

- Fucking....shit..Christ...how did you get here? And how long have you been standing there?! She waved to Gage to put down his gun and leaned over, patting her chest before looking at Harrison again, stepping out the shadows, clearly annoyed.

- Wasn’t he suppose to wait?! I freaking hope none one saw him. Gage gave him a sharp displeased look. Harrison returned it.

- The man owning that garbage started digging around so i had to move. And i don’t like to wait. His synth green bright eye lenses squinted. - If i have to hide like that then i need my body back.

- Your...body? Wait...wait a second. Lucy asked, surprised. - Your body vanished with half the neighborhood when bombs fell, i shot you in Sanctuary, you remember?

- Yeah, nice of you to remind me that. He growled lowly and took a step towards Gage, scanning him up and down.

- What the fuck you looking at now? He wrinkled his eyebrows and crocked the corner of lips downwards.

- Hmpf, interesting company you got yourself, kid. Anyway...i could use a gun and be on my way to Sanctuary. He turned away back to Lucy.

- Hold on a goddamn second. She raised a palm at him. - First, you are fucking broken. She pointed at the other arm being cut away. - And you can’t go out just like that! Institute will snatch you in no time, looking like that and going for a stroll.

- Did you say Institute? That word caught Harrison full interest. - Of course...the kid made in the vault because of your stupid fucking impulsive decisions! His tone raised, taking a step right up to her, staring down. Only then she realized how tall he is, feeling almost guilty for his accusation.

- Boss...i will just leave you to this shit, come see me when you are done with..this..thing, man..hell if i know. Gage felt stupid, observing the whole conversation and trying to understand what exactly is the deal between them.

- Gage..wait, shit. She looked at him disappearing in the patio and turning her head away to Harrison, squinting eyes but being too tired to yell anymore.

- What...? Harrison asked, shrugging.

- Shut up and just wait till the fucking morning, please. We will talk...make a plan..and all that shit. She sighted, tired, stretching her neck and just glancing at him in a begging manner to give her a break too.

- Eh, alright Feit...i will wait here. He looked around and got himself a chair.

- Jezz...thank you. You could keep an eye too since i really need some rest and you don’t, apparently.

He nodded and leaned against the chair, freezing in a place, entering some kind of trans and becoming a guarding figure with its eyes scanning the place around.

-Right....finally. She walked off towards patio, entering quietly and scanning for Porter signs. He was siting at the bar, smoking, the oil lamp throwing a gentle orange shade around.

- Hey...you okay? She placed a hand on his back and took a sit next to him.

- Yeah, just not entirely happy to see him around like that. Freaking Institute, now synth under our roof. He ran a hand through his hair and crashed a smoke in an ashtray.

- Hey, he’s not a synth, he is only trapped in body of one, it wasn’t his fault he got like that.

- And he plans to hang around? He asked.

- I don’t know what he plans but i will help him for now and see.

A quiet moment hang between them, she could feel a slight grumpiness vibing off his tired face. She reached for one of his hand, resting on the counter.

- We will solve it, like every other fucking problem we stumbled upon.

- Kill him? Gage chuckled, lowly.

- Oh no...no, one time was enough. She smirked and stood up, pulling him towards the bed. He followed with a lazy step but noticing her slim shapes popping out of underwear and white classic shirt, open, waving behind he let smile crawl on his face.

- I would rather use last bit of energy for something else, as long as you still have mood. She didn’t let them forget a moment that has been disrupted a while ago and she hungered to have him close, very close now that she was sure he might have a deeper and more emotional approach to their relations.

- You are kidding, right? He eyed her up and down as she sat down the edge of bed, leaning on her elbows.

- I don’t know, am i? She teased him.

- Oh, just fucking come here. He pushed her deeper on the bed, landing where he did before, on top of her, tangled in her arms and soft lips going as long as last remains of energy let them before falling asleep.

[unikornu]

Page 11, Exposure

-Good ol’ wild west, our next target, Boss. And judging by the map we are halfway through, dayum, i’m fucking impressed how much we did. Gage let out a long whistle while eyeballing her pipboy map, approaching together the next target, Dry Rock Gulch. The rocks around were massive and the scenery was very convincing into bringing some dusty cowboy memories. Even weather was fitting their excursion. 

*plop* Lucy was working her jaw on a pre-war gum drops, making Gage nerve vein show up on his face each time she blew a balloon. -Looking how they…*plop* could create pretty much anything, no wonder Nuka World is so tempting as a base *plop*. He took a chance while Lucy mouth was running and gave her pat on a back strong enough that the gum flew out of her mouth. 

- Khyy, what the hell Gage? She coughed repeatedly and shook a fist in his face. 

-You know it’s annoying as fuck and ruining your teeth with all that shit it still has, consider it me taking care of your sweet mouth and my calming therapy. He grinned and turned his head towards the park entrance. 

-----

The wind was pushing small clumps of dry grass around and nothing could be heard from inside the park other than rolling paper cups. At the gate they were welcomed by the warning sign “Danger, Bloodworms!”. Lucy stood behind the raider and eyeballed a sign. -Bloodworms… She froze in place and the blood slowly drained down from the face making her fairly pale, despite the warm rays that were hitting them. Gage was relaxed, even slightly happy. 

- Ha, just some stupid worms? That’s it? Nice change for once, ain’t it Boss? Hm? Gage turned around back to her after not receiving a single response. She was standing, looking at sign and then back at him spinning the knife in the shaking hands. - You okay Boss? Don’t ya tell me you are scared of some crawling dicks? He put a hand on her shoulder and shook it a bit to get at least a word out her. - Boss?

- I…i…just got hit by the sun too much and blacked out for….a second. Uhm…ye worms, let’s go. You first since you are so….eager to stomp them. She lied through her teeth and took a deep breath as they started moving. Going right behind, nervously scanning area around, she pulled out silently a dose of calmex in a hope of injecting just a little bit more but as Gage stopped abruptly walking into his back, she dropped it on the sandy ground and kicked it aside hiding her failed attempt.

-Shit, you sure you are okay? You act freaking weird since we entered. Raider turned around his head just enough to show his angry brow expression and moved back on. Lucy let out a silent sigh seeing her syringe getting lost in a sand as they walked away. 

The robot silhouette showed up behind a corner greeting them with a very stiff cowboy act “yiihaah-doggies-of-the-wild-west”. - Now, that’s interesting…there will be nice spare parts once i’m done kicking the shit out of you, sheriff. Raider cracked his fist preparing to give machine a solid hit through the glass but Lucy pulled his hand away. 

-Just wait a moment goddamit, information first, smash after, right? He hmphed but backed away lighting a cigarette, letting her do the all the wire work. Few sparks in the back and there it was, every information they needed served on a table. 

Sadly as the robot recording was going on about the worms and possible nest the her face was turning more and more into fear expression. Before Gage had a chance continue on his disturbed action as he strolled around with his smoke Lucy was already out of control kicking the robot down and swearing uncontrollably. The sound of metal smashing and thumping reached the ground under, waking up everything lying beneath their feet. They were coming and they were hungry. 

----

- Well, good fucking job Boss…He threw the smoke aside and stuffed a fresh magazine into the rifle. Lucy was feeling the nerves crawl upon her legs and clenching its boney fingers in her throat. She was shaky as fuck trying to defend herself from parasites jumping out of the sand but with each one joining them she was losing this battle, mostly with her mind. Gage noticed her unusual moves, lack of confidence, something was indeed off but there was no time to talk. One of the worms managed to reach under her metal armor with its round jaws filled with hundred needles, biting into her shoulder blade in the back. She dropped to her knees, a fearful scream leaving her mouth just pushed her right hand man to shove more bullets into the crawling filth of this park. As he fended off the last of them he ran right to her, pulled the worm out of her back, ripping some of skin in the process. 

-Argh! That was so slow and gentle ugh. She groaned.

-Fuck, what the hell was that? What the fuck is wrong with you?! He was angry, demanded answers but she couldn’t speak, panting heavily, as she looked up and saw the familiar shadow, standing in front of her. Same one, over and over again, shaping into the man that was giving her orders 200 years ago.

 -“So weak, Feit. I’m disappointed”. He kicked her in the face, sending into unconscious state.  

Now Gage was not just angry but also worried. He noticed some unusual curly smoky shapes slowly fading in the air but assumed they were just radiation doings.  He threw her over the shoulder and carried to nearest shack sighting deeply.  They went through so much already, much worse, be it gators or glowing mirelurks but he still felt like she was hiding something or refusing to open up all of her secrets. 

---

A spiky sensation in the wound woke her up. It took more than one stimpack to make the blood start clotting with this one. Gage threw the empty syringe to the side and awaited in silence for her to stand up. He was calm but certainly not in the cheerful mood. 

- I…think, i need to tell you something more about… She started but the big palm of his hand grabbed her by the throat and pushed to the wall, cutting her sentence. 

- You think?! I fucking thought we trust each other at this point and that includes no motherfucking shit behind the back. He released her shortly, seeing her eyes widening in fear, not wanting to cause any more pain by pushing her to the wall but he didn’t back off. - And what the fuck is that? Dozens of calmex? Are you a fucking addict of sort and missed it at our lovely introduction last time? He pulled a bunch of syringes from the pocket that he stumbled upon while patching her up and put them aside on the broken table. Lucy was ashamed and sad, it was coming to her at one point, deciding it wouldn’t be such a big deal not to tell him about her phobia since bloodworms were pretty rare occurrence. Not this time tho.

 - Okay, fine! I use calmex very often. Got addicted to it even before the war, helps me to calm down, focus on many matters and when phobia kicks in. I’m sorry but i felt like its not that important and would just make me look i dunno… weak, Christ. She slipped down the wall slowly down landing on her ass and hiding her face with a hand. She wasn’t sure if to tell him about the shadow that haunts her as it would sound completely ridiculous to the simple man like Gage.  

- You looked pretty weak back there trying to hide it. Boss, while beating eaten slowly alive. I ain’t like too some shiet out there, fuckin bugs for instance, you should have told me something. He pulled a chair and sat in front of her leaning a bit forward. 

- It ain’t like that Gage, it’s paralyzing me, bringing those flashes from back when….the court decided to teach me a lesson. He popped open a bottle of nuka cola and handed it to her. Whatever sugar it has left will help her to boost up some energy. 

- Go on Boss…nothin to be ashamed off, get it out.  Seeing his surprising willingness to listen she continued after taking a sip. 

- I thought i was doing something good, wanted to deliver justice at every corner. It didn’t matter to me that the man i was defending had a crime past. He found out the court was corrupted, cops too, making up their own evidences and shit. He got pulled up there and i did what felt right, defended him. The judge…didn’t like it…i ended up in a dirty cellar, pulled out of my office and tortured. Gage crouched by her side and put the hand on her shoulder. 

- You don’t have to continue if its too much, Boss. He slowly raised her head with his fingers to look at her. She swallowed hardly yet another sip of cola.

- They said i needed my righteous bitchy mouth cleaned and they brought them….leeches, fucking hell, the disgust and pain… even if time went ahead two hundred years, for me it still feels so recent. Lucy left out a deep sad sight and looked raider in the eye. 

 - After that my..boss found out that calmex would calm me and dull the unnecessary memories and feelings during my jobs, making me more efficient and..i got addicted, pretty badly. Sorry i didn’t tell you, it just felt…stupid to share something like this. She pulled herself up, worried about his response but started putting her gear together, herself too. He stopped her by putting the hands on her hips and turning her around to face him.

- Hey we are in this together, our plan, fight, hell even fears included i don’t care what crap else, we are partners Boss. If u have a problem, we will fucking solve it, okay? I’m sorry for what happened to you, i truly am, fuck, but just…stop hiding shit from me, no matter how dumb it might feel for ya. Alright? They nodded at each other as an agreement and to her surprise Gage handed her back all the calmex syringes. - You will still need them here, that ain’t something u solve in one evening Boss but…we will get to that okay? Now let’s exterminate that shithole.

They came back, dirty from dust and blood, with a few bites too to the Fizztop but again successful, in the favor of Operators. As the drugs cleared out of Lucy blood system she rushed to the bathroom, ignoring the Gage’s yelling behind, pushing the door after her but still leaving an open crack. She had a strong urge to just take off her armor and clothes and scratch everything down with water from her. To her luck there was already one filled bucket under the sink. She undressed to her underwear and without hesitation grabbed a handle and threw it all over herself throwing the empty bucket aside. Gage heard all those noises and curiously peeked through the door small opening. She looked so desperate, rushing and harshly rubbing hands against her skin. Even the black dust around her eyes looked more dramatic than ever, smeared downwards and to the sides. He respected the boss privacy more than ever but this time it was just an act of care, reason, maybe something more that made him cross the line of the door. 

-Hey, its over. Just, shit,  try to calm down Boss. She stopped and looked at him, a bit embarrassed but slightly angry of being disrupted like that in the state she was. 

- I am calming down, right now, can’t ya fucking see?! She groaned but realized shortly he deserved a better response -Shit…sorry, i didn’t mean to snap at ya, you helped me get through back there but…i would like to be alone now. She sighted, grabbed her dumped clothes from the floor and slowly walked past him but his lower arm grabbing her around the waist stopped her. The pile of clothes flew from her hands down as he turned her around and pulled towards him.  

- No…that ain’t an option, not before i get to see that face back to its usual shape. He said with a low voice, almost growling, putting his other hand under her cheek, brushing his fingers through her wet hair.

- What the fuck are y--  He leaned to kiss her before she could ask anything more or worse, punch him in the face. Lucy decided to leave those two options for another occasion as her mind drifted off from the anger and stress, surprised by the raider move but fully committed to these few seconds.

- Shit. As Gage pulled off he expected at least a slap but her hands instead landed around his neck. His confidence allowed him only to stand still, looking down at her as he wasn’t really a man of many words, especially in these kind of situations.

- I didn’t expect you have it in you. She bit her lower lip. -You can go on, if you feel like. She raised her eyebrow at him letting a slight smirk twitch on her face. 

- Fuck..i do feel like, Boss. He grabbed her by the ass and pushed up. She allowed it, wrapping her legs around his hips and pulling him for another kiss, deeper and longer that round. Gage pushed her against the wall for better balance. 

They kept it for a while but raider didn’t cross the next line yet, didn’t want too and neither respect would allow him this time. He lowered her back as she pulled off. - You look better, Boss, especially with that blush of your face. He joked, trying to relax the atmosphere after, mostly for himself. 

- Thanks to you, i guess. She brushed her cheek and smiled, turning her head away.

They stood for a moment but Lucy decided to not ask any more questions, keeping these incidents as unprofessional as they can get and as much as he wanted to. Felt easier that way, not knowing what next day might bring.  

- You up for a small drink at patio before hitting the bed? She asked while gathering her clothes, scattered around the floor. 

- Actually, why the hell not, Boss. Business talk this time tho. He grinned and followed her to the patio. 

  The rest of the evening they indeed, drank and talked, sharing some more of their past and joking around. She felt good around him, safe even, slowly letting the thought of trust slip in and let her guard down at last. She drank down her last glass of booze before hitting him with last question. 

- Hey, can i sleep with you here, from now on? I still dislike open spaces like that but maybe with you around it will feel better. Gage paused, holding the glass at his lips putting it down slowly. 

- Do you mean fu...? 

- No, no. Just sleeping Gage, jezz. I will keep hands to myself too unless you feel like breaking some rules. She chuckled covering her smirk with a hand. 

- You better keep these hands away from my smokes. He joked back. - Okay, Boss, if you want to, i won’t kick you away, not on purpose at least.        

  It been hell of a time since they both slept with someone, sharing a pair of mattresses. Gage let her fall asleep first before he took down his eyepatch, wrapping it around his hand and turning his back to her. Lucy still kept her knife under the pillow but not for him this round.   

[unikornu]

Page 5 - Intervention - Pre-war memories of Lucy Feit,

After the last revelations in Nuka park, Lucy was a bit more shaken than usually, skipping her way to the Harrison’s office and going straight home. Lost in thoughts, hearing only the clanking of her heels on the stairs when climbing up to her apartment, thinking how long she will be able to keep Ian in a safety net of lies and secrets that she weaved around them. As she turned the key in a lock and opened the door, taking the bag off her shoulder and throwing it on a bed she spotted Harrison, siting in the corner, resting his elbows on the armchair, crossing his fingers and waiting for her.

- Wh...why are you in my apartment?! I won’t even ask how did you enter.

She wasn’t sure if to just run or stay still but after a short pause she did close the door behind her and turned to him. Harrison took off the fedora as he stood up.

- Since you didn’t show up in my office and i don’t remember giving you any free days recently i had to check up on you, kid.

He walked up to her, his heavy boots almost creaking the wooden floor panels. Lucy took one step back as he approached her but noticed he only wanted to hand her the fedora. She took it gently from his hand and placed it on the hanger.

- Uhm...coffee, tea.. err whiskey? She directed him to the table, nervous but keeping her manners on point.

- Too early for whiskey Feit, coffee will be fine. Now, what’s bothering you? He hanged his brown long coat around the kitchen chair and sat down, putting his pistol on the table.

- Not to complain or anything, i don’t mind the job and the pay is really good but...

The steaming pot of coffee was shaking in her hand as she was pouring it into the cups.

- But? Cmon Feit. I didn’t leave the office just to have a coffee.

- I just have a feeling like i start to be involved more in your personal matters, Sir, rather than what i was suppose to do. She took the cups and put one in front of him.

- Is that a problem for you? He pointed at the sugar in the cabinet.

- No...i don’t know, it felt easier just getting the data without killing so many people, not knowing anything about them. She took the sugar bowl and sat down across the table. - When i come back here and track everything back it makes me think...

- Maybe you shouldn’t think so much then. He interrupted.

- Hmpf...

- You can live like that, of course. But i showed you the truth because maybe at some point the safety wall won’t hide everything and it would just crush you, kid. He blew the steam off the coffee cup and took a sip.

- And what about these special jobs? Why can’t you just do them on your own, Sir? - she asked, her confidence a bit more steady.

- Because, me showing up at any place that has a corpse involved is not good for my already shaken reputation, Feit. On the other hand you have a clean file and you blend well. I can trust you with the job as oppose to my recruits before.

- You trust me that well already? She looked rather surprised.

- I do and i no matter how i treat you sometimes, i care about you, Feit. He raised his face from the cup, his face softened.

- You do? Why...?

- I almost lost everything but with your help i got part of it back, Clara... it means a lot, your obedience, your skill, you may be chaotic but so far you are the best i had. He stood up from the chair and approached her. She looked up at him and slowly pulled herself up aswell to face him. Without his coat he looked much thicker, with a posture closer to an office worker rather than a retired field policeman.

- So..do you want to continue this? It would be a shame to lose you, kid, mostly for me. He put a hand on her shoulder in reassurance and looked her in the eyes, the way a  loving father looks at his daughter. It was something she was secretly longing in her past as a child. An arms of a loving parent, safety and warmth surrounding you from any harm the world could offer like an impermeable shield built from pure love and desire to protect.

- I do... Sir. She nodded at him but her face still wearing the worried look. He noticed it and sighted.

- Are you sure? Because if you still have doubts or issues with memories after the jobs just tell me and i will take care of it. He smiled at her with a corner of his lips and patted her arm.

- I’m sure and...thank you, Sir, for not giving up on me. She lost some tension and smiled softly back at him.

Suddenly the wheels of a car stopping abruptly at the building took their attention away. They steeped to the side of the window, carefully peeking from behind the curtain. A bunch of men, dressed formally stepped out of the car and looked up towards her apartment window.

- Vault Tech...they ain’t here to talk, im sure of that. Harrison grabbed his coat and took the pistol from the table.

- Shit, they are here for me? She kneeled at her bed and pulled another pistol from hidden panel underneath.

- Not you, me. And i’m sorry Feit but that will be necessary.. He approached her fast and pulled a syringe with two vials attached to the sides of it.

- What..? Wait, wait! She almost panicked but before she could take a step back he caught her by the arm and pushed to the wall forcing a needle in her chest.

- No time Feit. Just breathe and take it all in, kid, trust me. She dropped to her knees, shaking as he stepped back, the syringe stuck in her chest. The feeling of anger and fury wanting to be released started to pump into her as she pulled it out and stood up slowly.

- That’s it kid, now lets give them a warm welcome. Harrison flipped the hat in his fingers and put it on back, only his grin now visible from underneath it, waiting for the guests to arrive.

The steps could be heard, gathering in front of the door. The crack of the lock mechanism caught their interest as the ice started flowing out of the hole and taking in all the structure of it, finally cracking on a impact as they kicked the door open.

- There he is, back to the lab with him where he belongs! One of the man directed from the hallway. They were not using an oridnary guns but the ones that were releasing an icy blue wave, freezing everything in its range.

Harrison turned around, his coat reflecting the bullets as he pulled yet one more gun from under his coat. Lucy was neither wasting time, pumped with fury she assisted herself with a kitchen knife along the pistol. Furnitures and objects were cracking upon impact with bullets and people being kicked and pushed around the apartment. As she swinged towards one of them her hand got frozen to the wall.

- Shit. She stopped trying to force her hand out as the gun got pulled to her forehead. Harrison noticed it and stopped as only two of them were remaining in the room along with the leader, wearing a black surgical mask around his face, only his wrinkled pale skin showing from under it and a sign on his arm looking like a human silhouette on a circle.  

- Harrison, so you did decide afterall to take business in your own hands. Even got yourself a sidekick, unbelievable. He studied her for a moment and turned to him. - But you crossed a line in a park and we won’t let it slip. He pulled a rifle from a case he was holding, looking like charged with electricity and pointed at him. Harrison just stood and glanced at her before he pulled a trigger. The energy of it and sparks surrounded him, dropping to the floor in pain, smoke coming out of his skin as seconds were passing.

With each second Lucy anger was growing seeing her Boss being down and slowly burned and with it the drugs were kicking in even faster. She finally snapped her hand from the ice, crushing it in a fist on the guards head. The leader turned and fired at her but she managed to dodge it, her moves faster than usually, almost phasing.

- Of fuck it, i’m too old for games. He pulled a grenade out, zapping with shocks in his hand and threw it in the middle of the room, its impact reaching every corner and stunning her in process.

- Eh, kids these days, always disturbing grown men with their business talks. He pulled a regular gun from under his coat and shot at her chest. - What a shame, indeed.

He pointed towards her head as she was laying down, pushing a palm to the wound and looking up at him. What a man didn’t spot tho was Harrison, growing behind his back, smoke still coming out of his body and eye shining from under his hat, hidden in a shadow of a burned skin. He wrapped his hands around his neck and snapped it, redirecting the gun away from her, pushing his body to the side.

- Not bad kid and don’t worry about that. He pointed at her chest and directed her to stay still down. -You will be fine in no time. 

- Your skin Sir, it doesn’t even bleed, how? Even if he was fully covered she could notice it, especially at his face. One side of it almost reaching a black shade, his pupil shining awkwardly bright.

- Let’s say i have been through a lot Feit and grew a thick skin. He turned away before she could have a better look when pulling herself up slowly, surprised the bullet didn’t wreck her as bad as she thought. 

- We have some cleaning to do and you will need a new place. Also...that whiskey, its still there? He chuckled and shat the door, or what was left of it.

[feitclub]

2018: The Good, The Bad, the Unfinished Business

Happy New Year everyone! Enjoy these selfies from the last evening of 2018. Today is a time to reflect on the year that just ended.

I went through a lot of personal ups and downs in 2018, but on the whole I think I'm in a better place today than I was one year ago. My day job continues to be my day job, a little more stressful this year than the last thanks to a literal shakeup (the Osaka Earthquake forced us to close for weeks and clearly made the company gun-shy about spending any money that didn't need spending) but the fact is I did my best and I'm getting another raise in 2019. In even better news, I started writing for Retronauts in 2018 (here is a thread of my favorite pieces that I wrote last year) which has been incredibly fulfilling even as my brain continues to goad me by diminishing my contributions at every opportunity. However, it is an objective fact that I was asked to join the Retronauts team and if I wasn't doing a good job then that offer would surely be rescinded. Instead, after writing a few scattered pieces, I was told that if I wanted to write even more than I should do that.

Part of me still feels like a failure for not finding a full-time writing gig when I was out of work in 2016, but I seem to have found a decent middle-ground right now with a day job that I find emotionally supportive and a regular writing opportunity which is a good fit for my style and tastes.

2018 was a rough time for me as a video game enthusiast. I struggled to even play, let alone complete, many of the games I bought. So many of them proved to be too difficult for me to tolerate spending time with. Going forward, I really hope I find a better mix of play time/work time because, as a Retronauts contributor, it would behoove me to play more video games and formulate an opinion on them.

Otherwise...well, my podcast has stalled. Livestreaming was a bust and my YouTube channel is covered in cobwebs. It's not that I can't resume making videos at any time, but at the end of 2017 I felt like I was starting something new and fun but after a few months of literally zero viewers, it was hard to justify the effort. Writing makes me money and all of the other stuff does the opposite: it's time I could be spending writing that instead goes nowhere.

The biggest surprise of 2018 was me falling head over heels in love with Dungeons & Dragons again. After a break of at least 30 years, some local pals sent out feelers for starting a game. I wasn't sure if I'd enjoy a return to tabletop role playing, and if these friends didn’t live so close to my job I might have abstained, but instead I agreed and the results have been nothing short of magical. I hadn't given it much thought until I arrived at their house that first evening: other players already had concrete visions of their characters' class, mood, and appearance. I...honestly, I felt like I was being asked to do homework so I put it off until the last possible moment when I kind of blurted out "um, how about I make a Tiefling Paladin?" As luck would have it, no one else in the party was doing either of those things, so I rolled with it. At first I just did the standard RPG stuff: use weapons, kill monsters, maybe have a laugh with some fellow adults. But I quickly got very invested in both my character and the opportunity to take a break from being a dad or a teacher or even...a guy. My DM asked me for my character's backstory, I responded by writing nearly seven pages with wide-margins and single-spacing. She enjoyed it so much, I'm giving serious thought to writing more stories about my character, something I never ever considered before.

And speaking of "role playing," well, there's something else that was on my mind all throughout 2018: how I present myself to others. Longtime readers may have heard me - really heard me - when I expressed my uncertainty with my name, my sexuality, and even my gender in past writings. It has been difficult to manage my internal feelings versus outside pressures in regards to these things. I've become more open about telling people not to use my first name, and at this point I introduce myself with my last name, but the fact is...I have a new first name and I'm just too shy to tell it to most people. I told my mom, I've told a couple friends who've asked, but most people don't have an alternative to calling me "Feit" or even just "D." Yet online forms and my job sadly require me to have a fully-functional first name and I'm sick of being addressed by my legal nomenclature. This should be easy: "Hey everyone, I'm no longer [old and busted] I am now [new hotness]." But I'm too scared to take that step yet and I don't know how to cross that bridge - to say nothing of "Hey everyone, sometimes I think about kissing a variety of people" and the even stickier "Hey everyone...I don't think I'm a man. But I am not a woman! Anyway, enjoy your lunch."

So where does this leave me in 2019? I no longer wish to sit here in limbo in the closet to most people, out of the closet to others, all the while sitting here unsure of what kind of closet I'm in. Even if I post this publicly, most of the people I interact with day-to-day aren't going to read it. I need to be OUT. I need to SHOUT this aloud, likely more than once, or nothing will change. I have to renew my passport in 2020 and that document will determine how every Japanese agency will address me for the next 10 years. I don't want it to have the wrong name.

Unfortunately there is no way anyone reading this can help me. I have to find it in myself to stop being a coward. No...I have to convince myself the time is right to tell everyone. Because if 2019 is about me being straight (lol bad word choice) with people, I need to pay myself the same respect. Less self-deprecation, less talk of "I'm a coward" "I'm disgusting" "I'm a failure."

What if 2019 is the year I try to be kind to myself by standing up for what I believe?

There's literally only one way to find out.

Happy New Year.

Love,

...

Feit