#I just didn't realize it was an inherent condition of living

[eveningsandcoffeespoons]

.

The last few years have been A Lot. Culminating in last year, which was the Most Year of all time so far, between our own wedding (+ showers etc) and my sister's wedding (+ shower we planned + etc) and my brother's wedding (+showers etc) and several minor family crises and celebrations.

And between the last wedding of the year and the holidays, I said Hmmm, only one sibling getting married next year, maybe we can have a calm and restful year. A Getting Shit Together year. Since between aging parents and siblings starting families it's probably only going to get more chaotic.

And then two weeks into the new year, one week after O and I got out of covid isolation, my sister called to let us know she's got morning sickness.

Basically this year is confirming what I have been suspecting for a while now, which is that it's always More Year, and that this is the way that life Works.

[wasabikitcat]

Has anyone in this Olympics women's boxing argument ever stopped and thought about whether it would make any sense for women to be more susceptible to being injured in boxing than men? Like sure, it's a fairly common assumption that men are physically stronger than women, and therefore a man would have an advantage at boxing because he can punch harder... But how would that make you more resilient to being punched in the nose? Like I would think the assumed advantage would be that women can't hit as hard and therefore would require more effort to take someone down, but what everyone is arguing over is a woman having her nose broken from a punch to the face, when a man's nose would be just as broken from the same punch. Women don't have like, daintier and weaker facial bones or something. Being punched in the face "by a man" when you're a woman is literally no different than being punched in the face by the same person as a man. If we are to assume that men (note: the person being debated about here isn't a man or even a trans woman, she is cisgender, but I digress) are so Herculean that their punches are just too dangerous for women, then men's boxing should be banned outright because it's just too dangerous for men to be punching each other with that strength when a punch to the face is exactly the same for a man as it is to a woman.

[radiantmists]

i didn't want to add this to the post because it would add a bit too much seriousness to a good meme, but i do think it raised an interesting point. because obviously kaladin didn't forget that racism existed in that moment, he was confronting one of his primary oppressors, the guy who betrayed him multiple times over specifically because he was darkeyed.

what kaladin does forget in that moment is the pervasiveness of racism, and the extent to which it's baked into his society's institutions. and i think it makes a lot of sense for kaladin specifically to forget that (even though he absolutely knows it intellectually)!

because kaladin has always been an 'exception'. his father was a doctor, much higher nahn than anyone else in the town. kaladin is as close to literate as an alethi man is allowed to be-- more literate than adolin, presumably than elhokar. marrying the child of the citylord and having lighteyed children-- theoretically 'escaping racism', though of course that wouldn't have worked out too well in practice-- was not only thinkable but likely, unlike the false hope of defeating a shardbearer that others cling to.

before roshone, kaladin did suffer from racism-- but less than others, and in a way where he was led to believe that it was escapable and conditional.

and many of the worst things that happened to him went against the rules of alethi society. roshone was corrupt, and should never have been promoted. kaladin was immune to the draft due to his apprenticeship, and tien was young enough that choosing him was taboo if not forbidden.

similarly, tien being sent to the front lines was the sort of tactic that 'honorable' alethi norms like the codes of war would have considered reprehensible.

and of course when he saved amaram and defeated the shardbearer, the rules of society dictated that he be rewarded; i imagine choosing to give the shard to amaram should, from an honorable man, have been rewarded with pay and retirement for his men or something similar.

kaladin's enslavement was not just dishonorable by alethi social norms, but illegal.

and the kholins, up to this point, have signaled commitment both to the law and to those alethi social honor codes. and while they (especially elhokar) have been casually prejudiced, they've also welcomed the idea of kaladin as the captain of the cobalt guard, suggesting that they aren't so racist that they can't sometimes see reason.

kaladin not realizing the boon was only for lighteyes was a little naive of him, but him expecting the legal system to work for him-- when he took the issue directly to someone who knew him, respected him, and owed him the lives of his whole family-- is very understandable in the light of his experiences.

kaladin is the kind of person from a minority who was raised genuinely thinking that if they behave well, they might experience some prejudice, but no door is truly, systemically closed to them. he's had some knocks to that belief (and is kind of a suspicious person), but in the first part of words of radiance the world seems to be trying to reassure him that not all lighteyes are (too) racist, that the system is not (inherently) unjust, that he's simply been the victim of some of the more prejudiced fringes of lighteyed society.

and then the rug gets pulled out from under him.

because no amount of familiarity or respect will make elhokar side with him over one of the good old boys, no accomplishment will allow a darkeyes to challenge a lighteyes, and no amount of good behavior or education will make kaladin white lighteyed.

but a shardblade would.

...right?

i think this and the immediate aftermath, with adolin giving kaladin a blade and him giving it to moash, could have been a really interesting examination of that idea, because i don't think that lighteyed society would have smoothly accepted either of them. even by rhythm of war, we get hints that kaladin occupies a weird social place where he technically has a lighteyed rank but he seems to have a complicated relationship with 'other' lighteyes (obviously made particularly weird by him being a radiant and because most of the lighteyes he interacts with heavily are also royalty, but he doesn't quite seem to be equals with most of them).

but i don't think sanderson quite understood the experience he was writing about with kaladin, and he set out to write a series about an apocalypse. and so kaladin's complicated-- but not unrealistic-- perspective on alethi casteism will go unexamined.

[autisticsupervillain]

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Stats Equalized!

This Month's Fighters...

Davepetasprite^2 vs Stevonnie!

Conditions:

No other restrictions.

Scenario:

Steven and Connie are going on a date fused together as Stevonnie on the beach when Davepeta crashes down to Earth right in front of them. Stevonnie asks if they've alright as they pull them from the crater, but Davepeta brushes it off, casually explaining that they've been at war with the New Galactic Republic ever since some guy named Horn beat up Sollux and now some Skywalker guy blasted them across time and space. This does not make Stevonnie any less concerned, especially as they don't know what any of that means beyond "war" and "blasted across time and space" but the topic gets side tracked when Davepeta points out that their gemstone belly button looks a lot like "that Universe guy" and asks if they've landed in Gem Territory. Stevonnie explains that they kind of are Steven and the two get into comparing and contrasting how Gems snd Sprites fuse. Davepeta ponders out loud which kind of fusion is stronger and challenges Stevonnie to a sparring match.

"Um, didn't you just say you're in a war?"

"B33 < nah, it's chill. the war's nothing purrsonal, i'm sure skyguy will understand if i hold off on kicking his ass fur a bit."

"Every word out of your mouth makes me more concerned...."

Analysis: Davepetasprite^2

Sprites. The mysterious, aloof guides of the Gods. When mortal beings play the video game SBURB to become the gods of a New Universe, the Sprites are assigned as their guides. In order for a session to be successful, Sprites most be fused with physical objects, be that an inanimate toy, a dead creature, or even a living person so that they might have the sentience to guide their assigned Player through their quest.

Davesprite was one such Sprite. Hailing from a doomed timeline where his best friend John died horribly, Davesprite traveled back to prevent this future, becoming his past self's Sprite in the new timeline.

While this did successfully prevent the death of his friend, Davesprite didn't anticipate how this would effect himself. The versions of his friends in this new timeline weren't the same people he knew in his timeline. John was back, but it wasn't his John. His friends didn't even consider him to be the "real Dave" anymore. They had a Dave. And it wasn't him. The timeline didn't need two Daves anymore. He was just leftovers.

He was just a Sprite. A figment of a dead timeline. What use would he be when the story was over?

Dave would unwittingly get his answer after inadvertently fusing with Nepetasprite. The two were merged and reborn again as something new. Part troll, part human, part crow. Reformed not as a leftover Dave or forgotten Nepeta, but as something entirely themselves.

It helps that they're indisputably the most powerful Sprite in Paradox Space. That's a nice boon.

As a fully Prototyped Sprite, Davepetasprite^2 should have all of the boons inherent to their biology. Sprites can become intangible at will, create light constructs like a green lantern ring, fly, and posses a natural nigh-omniscient understanding of SBURB and its function in the greater multiverse... at least, in so far as it would help their assigned Player. Furthermore, as a fully realized Sprite, Davepeta has very little worry of accidentally fusing with something or someone just by touching them for too long.

It helps that their components are absolute juggernauts in their own right. Any version of Dave or Nepeta could be counted among the most skilled fighters Paradox Space has to offer and Davepetasprite^2 has the combined experiences of both of them. Nepeta was a proud hunter who happily battled the beasts of hellplanet Alternia while Davesprite could go toe to toe against 3x Prototyped Jack Noir, who could slaughter entire armies single handed. Both of these fighters could demolish the armies of Derse, but combined together, they gave even Lord English, the destoyer of all Paradox Space, a good fight.

In many ways, Davepetasprite^2 is the ultimate payoff that both Nepeta and Davesprite could ask for. Two characters made irrelevant, tragically left behind by their closest friends after fulfilling their one purpose, reborn again as something new. Something themselves.

Claw claw, meowtherfuckers.

Analysis: Stevonnie

Fusion. The ultimate form of bond between Gems. The physical embodiment of a relationship between two people, coming together to create something entirely new. Literally.

With Gems, this merging is possible only because their bodies are physically made of hard light. As such, a fusion between and human and a gem is impossible. Or was, until Steven Universe came along. As a half gem, half human, Steven was able to create the first gem human fusion in history. A living statement of his close bond between him and his girlfriend Connie. Something entirely new. Stevonnie.

Naturally, Stevonnie has all of Steven's Gem powers combined with Connie's keen tactical mind, creating a skilled and versatile warrior. A hero that the Crystal Gems could be proud of. They wield Steven's nigh indestructible pink shields, which they can materialize at any time, either portably or around their entire body. They've also been known to wield Rose's Sword, an absolute giant of a sword that was specifically designed to cut through Gems with ease.

On top their weapons, Stevonnie has access to all of Steven's powers, including his limited flight, regeneration, mental projection, healing spit, and even life creation. The end result is a devastatingly versatile foe, likely the most powerful and versatile across the entire universe, as Stevonnie's three-fourths human physiology makes them immune to most gem neutralizing weapons.

Both Steven and Connie have been trained by the Cystal Gems, the thousand year old protectors of Earth, and both have fought against the toughest warriors the galaxy has to offer. As Stevonnie, they were able to defeat Jasper, a perfect quartz gem super soldier, while both of their components have teamed up to save the entire planet from the Homeworld Empire on several occasions.

All together, Stevonnie is the best attributes of both their components, making them arguably the greatest hero in the universe. The perfectly embody the compassion, trust, and hope that their relationship is built on. The perfect representation of both Steven and Connie.

Throwdown Breakdown:

This fight is an interesting one. Both characters share quite a few strengths and weaknesses. While both fusions can be undercut and even destroyed if their components aren't seeing eye to eye, the situation here is pretty unlikely to create that internal conflict and neither one of these fighters would willingly press each other's trauma buttons even if they had the means to.

Both should be pretty even in terms of skill. Both fusions are made up of some of the best fighters their universes can offer, to the point where some of their best feats were considered completely impossible. Connie can fight as an equal with and against centuries old Gem warriors, all while swinging around a sword roughly as big as she is, cutting through cars in a single swing. On the other hand, Nepeta is such a skilled fighter and proud hunter that she's completely unaffected by the hellish nightmares that plague troll kind, as for her, it's just reliving proud memories of the hunt. And so on.

On the one hand, I do think Stevonnie is going to be better coordinated tactically. Steven and Connie have been close friends since childhood, going on constant death defying adventures together while Dave and Nepeta are relative strangers brought together by happenstance. However, I would say Davepeta's skill feats as a whole edge out Stevonnie's. Both characters have fought against ancient empire built on Eons of conquest, but whereas the Homeworld Empire has always been a massive threat, Nepeta and her friends curbstomped roughly 90% of Derse with disappointing ease, minus some roadblocks here or there. So really, it all kinda cancels out skill wise, with one team being better together innately while the other is more skilled in general.

Ultimately, this is decided by powers and abilities. In which case, I'd say Davepeta's arsenal counters Stevonnie's.

Intangibility is a perfect counter against Stevonnie's shields, Davepeta has slightly better flight due to it not being just a form of self gravity manipulation like what Steven does, and Nepeta has innate mental resistances the nullify Steven's telepathic powers.

Remember those dreams I mentioned earlier? It's been very heavily implied that these nightmares are either caused by the horrorterrors, or by the purple bloods keepinh Alternia in line. Either way, that's a massive scale of mind control that Nepeta is simply unaffected by, meaning she should be able to just push Steven out of Davepeta's mind if he tries anything.

While this would by no means be an easy fight, especially with Stevonnie's fast acting regeneration, Davepeta's intagibility is a counter that Stevonnie simply has no real answer too. It would be a hard fought fight... but the Sprite beats the Gem this time.

This Month's Winner is...

Davepetasprite^2!

[queerlymasculine]

What My 24/7 D/s Dynamic Is Like (no, it's not like that)

what up, gamers, my name is Seth

I'm a man in my 30s, and the other day, I realized that I'm in a 24/7 dynamic with my partner and dom. now, you might be wondering - and justifiably so - how I didn't know that, and you would be even more justified to be extremely skeptical of my intellectual capacity when you learn that I've been with my partner for almost three and a half years and our dynamic existed from the beginning lmao

but here's why: my 24/7 dynamic does not look like any definition or description of a 24/7 dynamic that I have ever heard or read.

whenever I heard about any kind of kink being 24/7, it was usually - but not always - in the context of total power exchange (TPE). if it wasn't a 24/7 TPE, the seemingly most important defining characteristic of a 24/7 dynamic was the emphasis on rules that one partner follows even when another is not (others are not) present. these rules could be sexual in nature or not but often or usually included both.

routine was another defining characteristic. one partner adheres to the rules or routine governing certain activities (getting up, bedtime routine, etc.) at all times. the routine wouldn't always be an everyday routine, but every time X condition applied, you do Y and Z, and the consequence of noncompliance* is punishment of some kind, whatever was decided upon by all parties. compliance was often rewarded but not always or at least not part of the established plan.

Sometimes the rules and routine could relate to domestic duties. Sometimes a person would have to keep their partner(s) updated about whether they were following the rules.

The narrative was always one of control, of restriction, of limitation. whether these themes were explicit is beside the point. you can't do this, you have to do this by or before this time, etc. It was one partner telling the other no.

And that............. is not for me. good on you if it's your jam and you're able to negotiate a scenario that hits all your buttons, but it's not for me.

I don't enjoy rules. I don't like having the specter of failure lurking in the back of my mind. I don't want to live with the anxiety that comes with the potential to disappoint someone I care about very deeply, whose opinion of me truly matters to me. I don't want to be deprived of the flexibility to dictate the rhythm of my day.

and you know what, I just don't want to be told what to do during my everyday life. I don't want someone telling me I should be punished for making choices I'm entitled to make as an adult. the idea of having my autonomy limited in any way genuinely pisses me off. there is no world in which rules between me and a partner are anything but inevitable sources of guilt, shame, fear, self loathing, and misery.

similarly, an established routine is quite frankly incompatible with my brain. there would legitimately be no point in even trying. but honestly, the real reason I hate the very idea of it is because a scenario in an interpersonal relation where there is some kind of expectation regarding how I choose to spend my time and the possibility of negative consequences for failure to comply is an inherently coercive and miserable situation to me. I know a lot of people want a little help achieving certain goals - maybe having a consistent sleep schedule or being more consistently on time for things, whatever it might be - because those kinds of things can be really hard and being accountable to someone else motivates them, and that's great for them, but that's not how it works for me. I'm independent. if I am going to do something, it is will be the result of an active choice that I have made. other people's opinions or feelings on the matter are never significant factors in my decisionmaking process. they never have been. my entire life has been a series of decisions I have made to build for myself a life worth living when the people around me wanted me to accept conditions that might have killed me if given enough time. I'm not exaggerating.

this applies not only to big decisions but also the small, everyday ones. for example, I'm trying to eat takeout only once a week. I'm sure I don't have to tell any of you that anything more than that is really expensive and most likely inconsistent with reasonable health outcomes lol

some people might get a lot of value out of coming up with an agreement with their partner to help them stick to that goal, and honestly, I can understand how that might be helpful for someone, if that's your jam.

but here's where I differ: the significance of my decision to be mindful of my money and advance my health goals is derived entirely and exclusively from the fact that I am actively choosing those things every single day to the best of my ability. that I can just as easily and without external consequence choose to get food delivered three times a week is a crucial part of the equation.

okay real talk I literally just had a revelation as I work on this post. I realized that the problem with the imposition of rules and routine intended to result in me taking care of myself is how it makes self care compulsory. I would not be doing it for myself; I would be doing it to avoid punishment, disappointment, etc.

And that's just........ not good. that is the opposite of self care. self care isn't what happens if you just check the right items (and enough of them) off a to-do list. it's not the inevitable product of doing a specific number of specific actions.

anyway, back to my point--

so, you're probably still asking exactly how it took me three and a half years to realize I'm in a 24/7 dynamic.

well, it's because we don't do any of the shit I used to associate with the idea of a 24/7 dynamic.

rules? we don't have them. we don't play with anything even remotely close to that universe, not even when we're joking around. really.

routines? nope.

tasks I am required to do? no. tasks that my partner would like it if I did? no.

punishment if I do/don't do something specific during a play session or in the course of a regular day? no. we don't even play with the language of punishment, discipline, correction, etc. we're not interested.

so, the question remains --

what does a 24/7 dynamic look like if those elements are not present?

uhh we both work full time and live in different states so... there is that. in terms of what occupies the overwhelming majority of my time and energy, from an external perspective, I am doing what I would be doing on my own. I work, I play video games, I spend time with my friends, I go to therapy.

now that I'm trying to explain it, I'm struggling to find words.

it's the way we relate to each other, the way we interact. a mutual understanding of what we have decided to build together. it's so simple and straightforward and profound in its simplicity -- ze takes care of me, I let hir take care of me.

it probably sounds like I'm getting the better end of the deal. after all, the sentence I wrote kind of makes it seem like I'm the passive beneficiary of hir love and efforts, offering nothing in return. I wouldn't be surprised if someone thought, "What's in it for hir?"

and that's the thing.

it's not an exchange. it's not a deal, it's not a bargain. there's no admission fee, no price to pay. I haven't given anything up, and ze hasn't taken anything away.

I feel like this will be incomprehensible to many people and even not qualify as kink to a few.

ze wants to take care of me. ze wants to call me sweet thing and tell me I'm a good man and a good boy, and I want hir to say those things to me. I want to be safe, I want to feel safe, and ze is safe, and with hir, who I am and what I am, my feelings, my thoughts, my fears -- it's okay. I don't have to be pleasant and sunny if I'm actually feeling grumpy. I can feel grumpy, and I can express that I'm grumpy instead of packing it all away so it doesn't kill the mood.

there's no threat of failure, no standards to conform to, no goals to achieve, no expectations to meet. we're just gentle and sweet to each other, that's all.

I'm hirs, yes, ze owns me, that's the language we have chosen to use, but it would be a mistake to try and understand our dynamic through the lens of capitalism. capitalism cannot comprehend ownership devoid of exploitation, and thus, many people would not consider this ownership. after all, capitalist ownership is about control, it's defined by the right to control and make decisions about your property, and ze doesn't make any decisions for me. so how is that ownership?

exactly.

also, 24/7 dynamics that other people have have always sounded like so much fucking work to me. what we have is so natural and easy. it's easy to be sweet and gentle with hir. ze is easy to talk to. ze is easy to trust. the hardest part of this relationship has been learning to allow myself to ask for what I want and what I need and not judging myself for daring to want or need something. actually getting and giving what I want and need is easy.

anyway. it's been a long day and my brain is tired. I just wanted to share all this so hopefully fewer people will walk around with the misconception that kink is only one specific thing or the idea that you have to give things up in order to get what you are looking for. you don't have to.

oh and by the way this shouldn't be understood or interpreted as some kind of commentary on anyone else's relationship. it's a description and explanation of my relationship and why it works for me and my partner.

*to me, compliance/noncompliance are not the same concepts as obedience/disobedience. You can comply with the rules but find ways to subvert the spirit of them if you get creative and believe in yourself.

[larrythefloridaman]

through improv and sheer serendipity kerfuffle depicts a more realistic dysfunctional family dynamic than some prestige melodramas with the ciblings. I keep talking about this because it all compels me so much.

Prism is the root. but the way that shes treated them all creates this vicious self-perpetuating dysfunction by, intentionally or not, pitting them against eachother in a way that reflects real abuse tactics- it becomes more difficult to identify the real problem if your victims are too busy infighting to realize their common enemy and band against you.

Cobalt tries to protect Crimson and Chartreuse by making them follow The Rules™️ so prism wont involve herself, but this redirects their resentment of her onto him, especially in circumstances like cpuk white/orange, where Prism enables Crimson by freeing him unconditionally without any strings attached (hes supposed to be the powerful bad guy thats fun to fight, not out of prison on parole on his best behavior to not get put back in, she needs to enable and push him to act his worst,) until Cobalt swoops in with conditions to try to do preemptive damage control by making up some rules for crimson to have to follow, critically that he has to Get Back in his Living Jail Cell (crimsonaut) at the end of the tournament. And i dont think crimson would've tried to kill the poor guy if his existence wasn't Actively A Threat To His Freedom! He clearly likes the little dude, he's didn't do that because he Wanted to he just refused to get stuffed back in the jar. he's just. a pretty ruthless pragmatist about certain things and will absolutely do whatever he feels he needs to to accomplish an endgoal of sufficient importance, even if he doesnt feel great about it.

Which cobalt finds distasteful and shitty, and Crimson trying to trigger an apocalypse of sorts apparently just to spite him and rub his face in his failure to protect Mark's universe of origin (while also, in the process and intentionally or not, demonstrating his own system's strength through stress-testing,) even more so. And a lot of the time he's not even Wrong that things crimson does are morally shitty its just that being a god, especially one who wields their power effectively, is sort of inherently unethical in a way I don't think Cobalt's willing to fully accept, and Crimson may be an asshole but hes the one of these two who can generally come out of the trolley problem having chosen correctly, y'get me. Cobalt provably has allowed many many people to suffer through his refusal or inability to take action to prevent it because it would mean having to get his conscience dirty by making a less than ideal choice, and Crimson hates that he has the gall to judge how Crimson performs his duties when the facts are what they are, and Cobalt IS an irrational idealistic hypocrite who doesn't know what he's talking about! He kind of has to be! because the kinds of expectations and circumstances that are placed on them are fundamentally contradictory because, as i said, its kind of impossible to Ethically Be God, and as such if he has to babysit prism's temper so his siblings don't get hurt by keeping them in line and behaving and being Good, he has to operate by following what he can glean of fundamentally irrational and deliberately obtuse rules to the best of his ability, because child abuse is fundamentally irrational. But Cobalt doesn't get that! This is his normal and he doesnt have enough experience outside his bubble to really get how not normal it is! He doesn't feel he needs to justify any of this rationally because their godhood makes them Exceptional, they get to decide what is and is not rational for someone in their position, at least until Prism pulls his entire identity out from under him like a rug. But Crimson through his rebellion demands he make sense without really putting together why Cobalt, attempting to be obedient and dutiful, Acts Like That and dismisses his challenges to the rules as insubordinate and irresponsible, because he doesn't get that Cobalt's criticism is irrational because Prism's irrational and he has to measure by her standard, which she won't make clear. Neither of them get that neither obedience nor rebellion will get them treated better, until they find out their true purposes and the futility finally clicks. But by now they've built up so much baggage around this dynamic and their roles that Cobalt's default with Crimson is accusatory and judgemental, Crimson is the Problem Child and is treated as such, and Crimson, having enough worldly experience with mortals to have reference for what normal is actually supposed to look like and now knowing all his rebellion was pointless, has taken to rationalizing his abuse as having actually been Uniquely Fine because he was a Bad Kid™️ y'see, the god of treachery, Assigned Problem At Birth, even if he'd never want to see any other kid treated like he was, and not really seeing that for the cognitive dissonance that it is just yet.

Meanwhile Chartreuse has seen ALL of this dynamic for what it is for god knows how long. The Futility and overwhelmingly tangled whole of it all frustrates her and its miserable and she wishes they could just stop fighting and see the truth, but she can't really bridge the gap in understanding between them, because she can't tell them anything without risking Prism coming down on her, so she plays her role as best she can when the rules are made up and make no sense but not following them could get her killed, her only option left knowing all this being to stop caring, and so time blurs together in a miserable featureless repetitive slog of overwhelming pain and nonsense........ until she gets out. And now everything is novel and exciting again, and she has to find her footing in a whole new world when her old life and experiences alienate her, and she has all these new challenges that other people don't have because of the environment she was raised in, but she'd sincerely rather die a normal death after a well-lived life than go back to that unending 'special' hell. And god, good for her

[specialmouse]

If being transgender is inherently reinforcing gender roles, then isn't transitioning as a transgender woman also inherently sexist? I ask this in good faith as a closeted transgender woman who doesn't want to transition in order to avoid reinforcing misogynistic values.

I think first and foremost it's important to understand that misogyny is baked into almost every facet of (at least my and many others') society. Cis women are not somehow magically not sexist for being "female" just as "males" aren't biologically predetermined to be sexist. It's just what happens when we live in a patriarchy. We all suffer for it because of how it's structured. Please don't take what I said as reasons not to transition. Anything you do within a gendered society is going to be reinforcing gender roles/expectations to a certain extent. I view gender as a construct that doesn't NEED to be around, yet still is incredibly pervasive and will continue to be for tens of thousands of years, if not the rest of human existence. There's nothing you or I can do to change that, on a fundamental level. When I, as a closeted transgender man, wear makeup and low-cut tops and lower my voice around men, etc., I am also enforcing gender roles. I'm doing what I feel like I need to in order to be treated better by those around me. It doesn't make it more righteous or fair because I'm a "female" and less so for you because you're "male". What you would be doing as a transgender woman by transitioning is no different, and in some ways it is even more important for you to adhere to those roles for your own safety, as deviation from the "norm" stands out to people, makes you more visible.

Forgive me if this is undue projection, but I understand the feeling of... almost interloping into a community that may or may not view you as an oppressor. As a closeted transgender gay man who 100% presents as a cishet woman in day to day life, it worries me that I'm somehow fetishizing gay men and their (our?) struggles and joys because I haven't experienced what most of them have. That's not my fault, I didn't choose to be like this. It's important to realize that there are facets of this community you don't understand that are important to a lot of people, and you should learn them. Here's the thing, though: transgender people have been around for tens of thousands of years, in different forms under different names. Contemporarily, I believe we are in a time where we are under more scrutiny than ever before, and we turn that inwards on ourselves as well. So, as someone who is female, or whatever, you are not being sexist by transitioning. You have one life, and that life should be spent doing what makes you feel best, not adhering to some people's moral codes. It's good that you're aware of the fact that you could harbor some sexist ideas, especially growing up "male" in a patriarchal society you are told certain things that could engrain themselves in you later on, but then again so does literally everyone else. Some of the most sexist people I've ever met have been cisgender women. And once you do transition, you lose that "male privilege" almost immediately. It's entirely conditional.

The only people that truly think the act of transitioning is sexist are TERFs, who have a very black-and-white view of the world on "biological" lines. Does biological, sex-based oppression exist? Yes, in varying intensities around the world. Does that mean that you being more feminine, going on estrogen, getting SRS, etc., is part of that? Of course not, it never has been. I want to make that very clear.

I hope this answer makes sense, I'm really tired but I wanted to answer this in good faith for you. I struggle a lot with the "morality" of my transition and have recently come to the conclusion that it doesn't fucking matter. We are going to die, perhaps sooner than we thought. Grow your hair out, make your voice higher, put some lipstick on whether in your bathroom or out in public, if that feels good to you. Go by another name, kiss someone who likes girls. You are not a bad or sexist person for doing that, not even close.

[cripple-culture-is]

Hi, I have a question. No pressure if you don't feel comfortable answering. But I've been experiencing chronic pain for quite a while now and I'm not legally considered disabled. I was just wondering what the parameters were to identify as disabled. Like, if I don't have any diagnoses can I still identify as disabled? Or not?

Hi! No, it's no problem at all.

The main question here would be, how much would you say your chronic pain affects your life? You don't inherently have to be legally considered disabled in order to actually be disabled. It does help immensely though, as it does mean you are protected by the ADA (if it's enforced, of course, that's a whole can of worms). However, what many people don't realize is that you don't suddenly become disabled when you are legally considered disabled. You were disabled before, you were just PROVEN disabled in the eyes of your doctor and the government.

So for me, my chronic pain affected me so much as a child that I couldn't walk for long periods. I couldn't take many steps without my feet, ankles, and knees burning. Because of this issue, my parents spoke to my pediatrician, and that conversation led to me getting a doctor's note for a permanent disability placard and plates. But I was technically already disabled before then. Because if I wasn't, the placard and plates--the legalities--wouldn't have even been considered in the first place.

If your chronic pain affects your day to day life and impairs your ability to do certain things, some of which that might be considered things non-disabled people can do, then you are disabled.

Whether the government recognizes it or not. I'm not technically disabled in the eyes of the SSI/SSDI. I've never applied for benefits, nor do I want them/need them. But to my doctor and the government as far as accommodations go, I am disabled. Permanently. I always will be physically disabled.

But I didn't suddenly become physically disabled when I got my doctor's note, nor when I got my placard and plates. I was disabled before that. I became physically disabled when my symptoms impacted my ability to live my life like other people did. I became physically disabled when I couldn't walk for as long as other children and other people. THAT'S when I became disabled. NOT when my pediatrician and local DMV said "yes, you can have these accomodations". And honestly, I could've probably been considered legally disabled when I was younger than when I got my plates as I couldn't walk when most kids are able to.

This is the same for diagnoses. I didn't SUDDENLY have arthritis when I was diagnosed at 9 months. I had it before that point, at the latest 4 months. You don't suddenly have a condition just because you're diagnosed with it. You had that condition before. You were just PROVEN to have that condition. Does that make sense?

As for the diagnoses part, I'd say yes. If we gatekeep physical disability to only those who are diagnosed, it puts up barriers to those who have not received a diagnosis due to possible discrimination. People of color often face barriers when getting diagnosed. And medical gaslighting is very real and may affect someone's ability to be diagnosed. Now yes, it does lead to issues with those who DO fake disabilities. But fakers are rarer than actual disabled people.

If your chronic pain affects your ability to function on a daily basis or often enough to be a problem, then yes, you are disabled. However, without knowing you, I cannot officially "diagnose" you as being disabled.

That's something you'd have to judge for yourself and really research. But the fact that you're even asking if your chronic pain would count as a disability already tells me that your chronic pain affects you to the point of you questioning if you're disabled.

I hope this helps!

[scentedchildnacho]

I hadn't read George simmel before he sat down and asked me why I live here.....so annoyed by the dominant tone asked him what he is talking about what a banal thing to ask of no relevance and I asked him why he was such an edgy man what happened to you anyway that your such an edgy man....and the simmel sociology explained his ego can't function without the blaise character he is being Blaise not edgy ......

Then he kept going at me with do you like it here and what's your plan the cops are going to clean sweep.....so again I was like God man so banal and heretics burned at the stake....meaningless all the time what you mean plan what are you talking about in what benevolent universe do you plan things or is plan the you are not special universe and if the black hole sucks everything into ease the pain....

I was like no man you you sitting there drinking and playing possessed and smoking draws cops other people can't cry about their hard life and their broken back and their busted jaw and throat lesion other people got to keep themselves together cops is you man you are who attract cops other people hurt enough and leave those people alone....

Maybe you should take some responsibility for coming around as such an edgy man...when is the possession going to end

Now did you care if I got to be drunk by now in some area free of cop business no...and so you have to get reported

Awful spoiled veteran doesn't care if only he gets to be drunk and is in the most camera space

Its okay I dont cry when I realize I probably won't ever see a way clearly out of this and this will be all life is just so you know I don't cry or anything anymore

Then I was like sober living can be a nice place so why don't you go to sober living.....and he said it costs money....

And he lives in Malibu and he will go home...so I was like yea if you can go home go there

Messianic or apostolic I don't know man I'm going to be patient till a christ figure arrives then like the stories of the bible....I'm going to finally see a city not a hell hole for women like rapid urbanization to cause factory institutions and angel jail births then I will pick up my mat like the colonial war didn't partially blind and deaf me and go to the shine ing city

Or there won't be any Scorpio rising victory in the end and all my strikes of subtly awful labor conditions will be meaningless and the bad gook will turn everything into pho noodles and no one ever will care if anyone is anyone it will all just be Them and I lose and die

But if you ask me the good in the end gets to win...and all your bullshit pessimism and utilitarian justification of ruining people's lives in the name of saving their life will just not inhabit haunt and torture people anymore

Homelessness....simm theory isn't relevant though he is though merely fashionable.....it's not as important as doomsday theory....like the stimulus that is trying to get you to leave your rural customs was threatening to freeze your pipes and collapse the roof on you

Nor can a hyper stimulus like anti freeze constantly blowing into the house have any comment on the innate or instinctual character of the human being but if your going to be that sped up you could make a pen name like Anne Rice to believe you channelled vampires

I did want him to tell me what happens to veterans and their kids though that they don't have inhibitions and show low impulse control...

Iraq attacking Muslim children for cult military rapes...what happens to you all on base I suggest something truly frightening

What happened to me brain washing...I had to go to the dentist and endure a sodomite military rape also.....then Osama bin laden said my religion doesn't get to go no...I'm inherently eve ill to al quaida and fill up the world with mean spirited prudes like Pakistanis that appear pretty at first and later make an inverse Foucault painting on what a mean religion is...

If you ask me if I had to be disturbed as a child by true nightmares then I think you saw people hang people or cut them up...

[kawaiidarknessprincess]

How to escape the matrix and this advice is for myself as well. I haven't escaped the matrix yet. Note I didn't write this article

Escaping the Matrix Ways to Deprogram Yourself

BY SOFO ARCHON

now to deprogram yourself and escape the matrix you’ve been trapped in since the very day you were born:

1. Break the shackles of dogmatic religion

Dogmatic, organized religion imposes on people what to think and what not to, what is good and what is bad, what is right and what is wrong.

Thus, dogmatic religion prevents people from living spontaneously, listening to their heart, seeking the truth and drawing their own conclusions based on critical thinking and experiential understanding. In addition, it divides people into opposing ideological groups and has them fight against each other in the name of God or Truth.

The result? Tremendous emotional suppression, conflict and pain.

To reclaim your freedom, express your authenticity and walk on the path of peace, joy and wisdom, break the chains of dogmatic religion by questioning it and starting your quest for the truth from scratch.

Stop giving your power away to external authority

As children, most of us were taught to doubt ourselves and do only what external authority commands us to. Now, as adults, we don’t trust ourselves anymore, and let others take responsibility for our lives.

For example, we support corrupted politicians who do nothing but lie to us in order to satisfy their hunger for power, being under the illusion that we’re choosing a brighter future for ourselves, when in reality the options we’re given in our pseudodemocratic system are extremely limited and in essence very much alike.

If you want to create true positive change in the world, stop obeying authority figures or waiting for someone to save you, and start taking responsibility in your own hands. In addition, consider joining a community of like-minded individuals and work together to help build a better political system that serves all people, not just the 1%.

Question the dominant economic system

In our global economic system, money is created out of debt, for it’s essentially loaned into existence by banks with interest attached to it. What that means is that there’s always more debt than money in the economy, which has people competing in the market for never enough, and results in economic inequality and social conflict.

In addition, our economic system is based on consumption, since people have to always buy and sell stuff in order for money to keep on circulating in the economy, and hence for people to remain employed. This not only requires the overextraction of natural resources, but also the production of insane amounts of toxic waste that is killing the very planet we depend on and share with countless other beings.

If you agree that our economic system is obsolete and inherently destructive, and would like to help change it from its very foundations, consider doing research on the negative impacts of our global economy, as well as educating yourself on alternative, socially-just and environmentally-sustainable economic systems.

Detach yourself from consumerism

Being brought up in a consumer culture, most of us have been conditioned to believe that money can buy everything we need, including happiness. As a result, we buy products and services without end, yet we always end up feeling dissatisfied and hungry for more of them.

The truth is that shopping can only provide us with temporary, superficial substitutes of what we truly need. And what we need is neither products nor services, but heart-opening experiences such as intimacy with other people and connection with the natural world.

Once you come upon this realization, you’ll stop being concerned about which is the next best thing you can buy, and instead start investing your time and energy on things that actually matter to your well-being.

Beware of the media

Knowledge is power, yet we are drowning in an ocean of information.

Corporate media often presents us with carefully-crafted, misleading information in order to manipulate how we think and behave. Sadly, most people rarely realize that, and end up becoming a cog in the wheel of a propaganda machine that’s filling their minds with lies and half-truths.

Truth seekers don’t accept anything on faith alone. Instead, they try to find evidence to support the information they’re presented with — and if there’s none, they don’t hold that information as true or valid. In addition, they do their best to develop a spherical understanding of any topic at hand by looking into as many different sources of information as they can.

If you don’t like being deceived, mislead and controlled, and sincerely want to better understand what’s going on in the world, be sure to expose yourself to plenty of information sources, and use critical thinking in order to draw your own conclusions. Seeking the truth is an arduous path, but in the end it’s totally worth it.

Read eye-opening books

Most people have associated books with school, and because of that they have developed a distaste or even hate for reading.

But here is an important truth they tend to ignore:

There have been plenty of wise individuals who’ve written books, in which they share their thoughts on life’s problems and how to effectively deal with them. Many of them criticize the workings of society and offer profound insights on how we could help create a more beautiful world.

Therefore, books can be immensely helpful in opening our eyes and improving the quality of our lives. But the vast majority of people spend little to none of their time reading thought-provoking books — hence, they can’t reap the amazing benefits those have to offer.

To get the most out of reading, don’t just pick any book and read it. Rather, read books that are challenging your opinions and beliefs, as well as provide you with new perspectives on life that enable you to better understand yourself and the world. And, beware of “speed reading” that so many “influencers” and self-help coaches mindlessly promote, for if not practiced selectively, it can absolutely ruin your reading — and hence learning — experience. (Watch the video below for more on that.)

conditioned us to feel.

It’s important to note, however, that some people are negatively affected by practicing meditation. This often seems to be related to underlying emotional trauma. So, if you think you could be one of them, perhaps it would be better if you first addressed any serious psychological issues you might be suffering from through some form of therapy.

***

You’ve just made it to the end of this long article, which is a clear sign that you’re serious enough in your endeavor to understand the nature of the Matrix and find out how to escape it. So, from the depths of my heart, I wish you all the best in that hard yet immensely rewarding journey.

“The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you’re inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system […] You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.” ~Morpheus, The Matrixing

[rabbitindisguise]

I keep getting really introspective about disability and internalized ableism and how some people claimed that I'd want cure narrative representation/medical model of disability If I Just Understood what it was like to have things like CFS and autoimmune conditions (since I've recovered a bit from my recent problem and relaxed the answer has been No, Absolutely Not to all of these things)

and like I think folks are kidding themselves a little bit. Not about their own feelings, but lots of the things people were claiming were immutable facts about living these sorts of symptoms (and therefore a sort of symptom itself) and experiences were defeated with therapy exercises I've been using for years. So they were wrong about what I would feel because I ultimately don't, even though I "should" since I'm having the problems. It's true that I cried a bit and made some dumb decisions and now it's just as normal as before I knew I had the problem. I'm having a hard time regulating my emotions because I don't have the energy to maintain that kind of composure, so I started being really careful about my daily activities. I know it's easy for me to get short with people, so I'm going to be faster to apologize and avoid touchy subjects for myself. I'm getting repeatedly traumatized and dismissed and undertreated by doctors, so I'm skipping past all medical stuff on my tumblr feed before bed. It hasn't prevented the bad feelings but merely knowing what's happening allows me to use my coping skills, and lets me realize that this isn't my life it's just a current problem I have to deal with.

According to the things people have said before this started happening, I'm supposed to hate my body, to mistrust doctors inherently, to loathe the medical system, and to believe the world is out to get me specifically as a consequence of experiencing these symptoms. I'm supposed to find people embracing disabilities as part of their identity and wanting to see it represented in fiction insensitive to my own experience. And most of all I'm supposed to be angry and bitter and never stop talking about how angry and bitter I am, no matter if other people are uncomfortable by it, and believe people who are uncomfortable by it are the problem.

If I don't, despite all these symptoms and malnutrition and my body having an extended four month long flu vacation, I don't think I ever will. I know my body could get worse and I could get even worse emotionally, but fundamentally there's a phenomenon of people who refuse to accept mental health care because it means that if it helps then it doesn't mean they're actually disabled (despite all the tests and imaging to the contrary).

I also have a huge motivation to maintain my mental health despite all the Physical Problems because psychological symptoms make physical symptoms worse. The stress of having PTSD in a body that is scrambling to do things properly to begin with is a Lot. If I didn't already have a strong motivation to do therapy (to improve my relationships with other people, to achieve my personal goals for being the person I want to be in life), now I have the additional reason that improving mental health improves health outcomes substantially. I'm not sure if the people who have told me these things believe that's science at all, or have even heard of it, because of the ideas that depression is always a misdiagnosis/a diagnosis made in ableism in someone with a physical disability (false). And beyond that it doesn't even matter for me because frankly I've been bipolar and autistic for a long time so the boat has sailed. Maybe that's the schism? By avoiding mental health care seriously they don't have to find out if they were just mentally ill, which their doctors mistakenly assert is a possibility all the time (NO fucked up liver enzymes do not just ~happen~ and any doctor that thinks that is a quack, much like mental health symptoms don't just ~happen~ for three months or more). Any improvement alongside their mental health improvement could be an attack on the sense of self established in the idea that "I have a physical disability, I'm a physically disabled person, anyone who says otherwise is wrong" which reminds me of how I tried so hard to not be like my parents I just ended up acting more and more denial of anything that could be similar to them.

And all this has reminded me of how adults are like "you'll understand when you're older!" but with ableism I guess?? I think there is no practical difference other than that the mental illness and neurodivergence community I had more access to intracommunal mental health supports. In medical condition support groups I've been in they've been actively toxic to my mental health- and even now I sort of group myself as Other from the problems (autoimmune issues) they also assumed I couldn't have (like doctors) because "I'd know what they felt like" if I shared the condition. I'm mentally ill first because anyplace that is inhospitable to the idea that mental welfare is important is inherently inhospitable to me because it goes against my goals for the environments I'll tolerate being in. It sucks that medical illness communities are as toxic as medical doctors, but I guess monkey see monkey do- no good examples to follow, no way to maintain good support skills. Therapists can be bad at stuff in unique ways but self dx is a godsend and therapists being pro self dx is a big reason why I think people are figuring out more about themselves in an autonomous and healthy way (even if the answer is "I'm neurotypical actually" which does happen). I need to start self dxing physical illnesses to get proper assessments that might be productive before I get seriously hurt by doctors not investigating abnormal lab results.

[sour-ghiden]

Another One(Feb 15 2023)

(np) I was in the back seat of my parents truck, with my sister...step-sister. They were driving for days, taking me to see a specialist about something odd that had happened to me, and they think it was something with my brain. It was like most of my intelligence just...disappeared, and apparently it was progressing fast enough that they felt the need to try and get down there as quickly as possible...as they possibly could, flying was apparently to expensive and they didn't know what it would do to my condition. My parents took turns driving and sleeping to get to wherever we were going.

I came back here. I realize that every time I...focus on letting the energy and such run all through me, instead of allowing the inherent distractions that I have; as of late, allowed to wash over me every night, I go to another reality/universe and in that other one, I am basically taking the life away from the me from that one, leaving them somehow..."damaged". Leaving them in a state that....they'll never have anything even close to a normal live ever again, completely disabled, or worse, in a vegetative state, where there's really nothing left of that me. I don't know if I should feel guilty or not because it IS still technically me, but...I do feel bad about it. Unfortunately, what had to be done, had to be done to ensure what has to happen happens, but that doesn't mean I can't, won't, or shouldn't feel bad about whats going on there. I guess it's one way to keep me humble and such.

[gatheringbones]

["Indeed, as women, they had been taught not to listen to themselves and had grown accustomed to being told what to do, for example, respondent #5, age forty-one:

My family really wasn't interested in being involved in Bible studies and whatnot. But I kind of went that way. [What was that about for you?] Black and white, I think it was about what do I do? I just felt like it gave me a lot of answers that I just didn't want to make decisions about myself. There was direction there. And there was safety. I just felt safe. [You mean, if there is a clear answer for everything, then I don't have to think about my feelings about all of these things?] Right. Exactly.

Seven of the twenty-four women specifically mentioned the angry, controlling behavior of their fathers as an aspect of their childhood that had a strong impact. Their fathers' treatment taught them not to talk, not to assert, and not to trust themselves. For example, respondent #13, age fifty-three, describes the atmosphere at home and her parents' relationship:

I think part of our family upbringing was you don't talk about things. And the secrets… The messages I heard were mainly from Mom, if something went wrong at home she would say, "Don't tell Dad." And so a kind of fear of Dad was instilled. Even though it was something stupid like a broken washing machine. Don't tell Dad. [What would Dad do if he found out?] He could get angry, but he never did anything physical that ever hurt any of us that I'm aware of. But he had a temper and I think Mom might have been— I don't know if she was afraid of what he might do— but I know that there was a message… My mom was very dependent upon Dad forever… for money, for transportation. He basically did everything. She couldn't work outside the home. [Why not?] He didn't want her to.

Respondent #25, age fifty-three, talks about the effects on her that did not encourage any independent thinking or action:

[How did that affect you, to have a father you felt was controlling?] It affected me very, very much. We walked around on tiptoe, and feelings weren't allowed. You couldn't get angry. You couldn't fight. You couldn't disagree. It just wasn't allowed. And in this home with nine people, there was total order. [You mean, order like robots?] Well not… not all of my siblings were like me. I was an extremely fearful type, perfection perfect, "don't get in trouble" type kid. Probably more so than any of my siblings.

The conditioning that discourages women from listening to themselves and/or acting independently reinforces their doubt of their abilities, judgment, and competence. They realize that they are often not promoted, not highly represented in positions of leadership, and they tend to blame themselves. Until the past few years, theories of human behavior produced by psychologists have not focused on how the larger sociocultural context affects behavior, except very peripherally (Brehony, 1983). According to Jean Baker Miller, women have been ignorant of the sociocultural factors because they have compared themselves with men. She says women come to believe that there is some special inherent ability, some factor that remains forever beyond their reach that allows success (Miller, 1976). Since women tend to be discouraged from pushing themselves into their careers, and also because responsibility for child care, household management, and so forth, tend to present obstacles in their careers, women have needed to believe that the playing field is level. They have avoided acknowledgement of these unfair arrangements. Therefore, women have needed to believe that men must have this special quality that makes their life success more possible. Miller asserts that the conditioning women experience all their lives encourages belief in this myth (Miller, 1976).

These women tended to doubt their ability and competence and were afraid of making independent decisions. Respondent #10, age fifty-one, echoes the statement of nearly every respondent in the survey— that she married because she believed marriage was the only option. This respondent includes another theme that also repeated through these interviews— fear of making a decision:

And I got married three weeks out of college, went right from a dorm to my parents' house for three weeks and into marriage. I think deep inside I knew it was a mistake…. because I think I wasn't committed enough to George. But if I'm really honest, and I sometimes am almost too good at being honest, my motivation, I think, I got married because I was afraid to face the world after college. I didn't know where to go. It gave me too many options.

Respondent #19, age fifty-two, says her options were limited and she knew which ones were permitted, believing at the time that that was "how it was." Without awareness that society limited her options, she accepted all responsibility for feeling the need to stay within those parameters:

I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. Sounds stupid now, but, you know, 1961, you went to college, and I didn't want to do that, and you get a job as a secretary, and I took kind of a general course in high school, so anyhow, I thought, fine. [So you didn't see a lot of options?] No… so I did everything that I was quote supposed to do unquote… very into being like everybody else.

These women tended to doubt their ability do make judgements and to take care of themselves. After she had been married for about fifteen years, respondent #24, age fifty-four, describes how she was reluctant to leave, although good reasons, such as her husband's verbal abuse, alcohol abuse, and financial irresponsibility, were accumulating for her to end her marriage. This was true despite her own career success and other evidence that she was well able to take care of herself and her children:

And I even sat at my desk thinking about leaving him and realizing there was no one else for me wo live with in 1979. Who would be eligible? I also just couldn't see in my mind that I could support a family on my own. [Even though you had been doing it (supporting the family)?] Even though I'd been doing it for years, and the business that he was running now… he had his own little business now. He started gift-shopping franchises… but he drank all the profits… I was making at that time probably eighteen to twenty thousand, and in the seventies, for a woman with no education, that was big money. I was making more than the vice president of the bank; when I applied for a house loan, he said, "You make more money than I do."… But I can't be alone, and there is no other eligible person in this city, and i was terrified of raising kids alone. [What is it that you were afraid about specifically? Do you know?] Even though I had a strong image at work and was a very confident person at work, [I was] always being diminished [at home] and I was looking at myself based on what he was telling me. He was telling me that if I ever [gained weight] he would leave me [and that] I was not nearly as smart as he was— that kind of thing. [I] drop something, and to this day, I expect somebody to yell at me. The first time I dropped and broke something when I was living with Laura and she didn't yell, I just couldn't believe it. I stood there, and she [asked] "Did you do it on purpose?" And no! "Then it's an accident. No big deal." "But wasn't that important to you?" "Not as important as you are."

This research shows that these women were blocked in their realization about their gender orientation to make early, clear moves in that direction. In conflict with these findings, a number of writers have suggested that individuals with same-gender attractions go through a lengthy, painful process of avoidance, self-deception, cure seeking, and "playing it straight" before they finally accept homosexual attraction as part of their identity (e.g. see Troiden, 1988). Although this assertion may be true under some circumstances, it assumes that information about same-gender relationships is readily available and that the individuals in question are completely free to trust their own judgment and accept or reject this information as they see fit. One finding of my research is that many women with same-gender attractions are blocked in fully "knowing" about their attractions because they are living within a sociological context that limits their information, as well as their outcomes. Nichols and Leiblum (1986) appear to support this latter premise, suggesting that heterosexism and sexism make avoidance behavior more likely to occur. Without the full range of sanctioned relationship outcomes, women are most likely to accept those outcomes that they see modeled, ones which are not likely to threaten their network of other relationships. The heterosexist ideology which drives our society has made positive same-gender relationship models unavailable."]

karol l. jensen, from lesbian epiphanies: women coming out in later life, 1999

[lesbian-octoling]

question, why does the orca salmonling adoptable have a sideways top fin? im genuinely curious because if its meant to symbolize a orca's body anatomy then it should be mentioned that orcas with "flopped" fins like that are signs of malnourishment & unhealthy living conditions! not mad or trying to accuse you anything of here (incase that needs to be said) but i just would love to hear more insight on your design choices & if it was intentional (and the story behind the intentionality if it is on purpose)

if you're trying 2 start discourse over. a bent fin salmonid. what is wrong with you

if you're not and are just curious I sincerely apologize. The answer to your question is mostly the fact that I ran out of room to fit it cus the other salmonid is huge as fuck on that page. I have a lot of salmonids with the flopped over fin look, like Sting and Grilled, so it's not just this guy. I did realize the similarity to it, but I didn't... think it mattered??? lol?????? nobody's gonna look at a slamon and go "yeah orcas should be like that 100%" so.

Flopped dorsal fins aren't necessarily a sign of bad living conditions- simply ones that are different than those in the wild. Orcas are born with soft fins, and males and females' grow differently as they age, with males' fins going through a growth spurt. The leading theory is that, in captivity, they spend a LOT more time at the surface than in the wild, and the lack of water pressure and warmer teperatures (air vs water) is generally what causes it to flop as they go through that puberty- hence why its almost entirely just males with the flopped fins, and rarely females. The fin is made of collagen, which breaks down at warmer temps. Most important to note is there is no 100% sure reason why it happens. Lots of studies have been done, but the above reason is the leading theory. Now, it is true that flopped fins can be signs of malnourishment, poor thermoregulation, or injury; but it's important to not it's not exclusive to those things... though I do agree that orcas do generally see diminished quality of life in captivity (it's simply impossible to recreate the expanse of their habitat), dorsal drooping itself is not inherently bad, nor are captive orcas themselves. (If anything it's good that there were captive orcas, as without the popularity they would have been hunted to extinction- but that's a whole different subject). Source: I literally have a degree in zoo animal technology and had to take many aquaculture classes to get it, and did a LOT of research on them + seaworld lol. Also here, and here.

Note that the first result is from PETA who you should never trust with anything ever good lord they're horrible

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Hi, you seem like a lovely person so I want to explain why that honey post upset me. Most vegans are trying to be more ethical. Meat eaters often use the issue of no ethical consumption under capitalism to attack vegans. Why is that okay? Meat eaters also eat veggies, chocolate, sugar and quinoa! People should have good living conditions, so should animals, why pretend it's either or? I can't fix the whole world but I can pick my small battles. That's what veganism is about.

(Honey ask 2) It feels like people feel entitled to tear vegan philosophies apart with petty gotcha moments instead of engaging in good faith to try to understand. Everyone has their annoying vegan story, but somehow I coexist with meat eaters without sharing my stories! Or telling people they should eat food they have clearly explained they don't want to eat. I am so tired of being told every single thing I do needs to be perfect or I'm some kind of fake who doesn't really care about the world.

i don't have a problem with people who are trying to eat ethically - i am too, to the best of my abilities - and who decide that means choosing not to eat meat or animal products.

what i do have a problem with is the attitude of some (not all, i know) vegans where they act as though veganism is "choosing kindness" or choosing to be ethical, and people who consume animal products are being cruel and/or unethical, and who enforce this binary without nuance.

let me give an example. when my health was better, i regularly went to a local farmers market, where i had a friend who raises chickens, and i bought eggs from her. in return, i gave her my compost scraps, which she often fed to the chickens - things like pineapple rinds, apple cores, carrot peels, etc. i knew my friend the farmer for a good decade, and i know that she treats her chickens well and they are happy, well-cared-for birds.

when i ate the eggs from those chickens, i was consuming cruelty-free food. those animals did not suffer in producing eggs.

at the time i was also purchasing my milk from a local farm, one that i actually visited! i got to see the cows lying around in a wide open green pasture, i got to pet a newborn calf. those animals didn't suffer to produce milk, and when i drank that milk, i was consuming cruelty-free food.

(of course, i fully realize that i was quite privileged to be able to buy those eggs and milk from local sources; in fact, i've since lost the health to be able to get to those locations, and i have to buy everything from the store right now. farmers markets and local producers are great, but the majority of people can't access them.)

on the other hand, when i'm purchasing produce and grains and other foods from the grocery store, i have absolutely no way of knowing who exactly produced that food, but i can say with some surety that at least some human beings suffered in producing it. the many laborers in the field, the laborers in the factory, the laborers loading and unloading trucks - all of them underpaid, overworked, and most likely without proper healthcare or even safety equipment. people get hurt, disabled, and killed while getting plant-based foods to your table.

you can't say that plant products are inherently "cruelty free" just because they aren't produced by an animal.

human suffering matters too, and while i love animals and have a deep empathy with them, it bothers me that cruelty to animals is the only cruelty taken into account by veganism.

however, my point here is not "i'm better than you for eating animal products", my point is that animal products can be ethical AND unethical, just like plant products can be ethical AND unethical.

all of us should evaluate our food sources to the best of our abilities and make the most ethical choice available to us, without making the assumption that animal = cruel and plant = righteous. local honey produced by a small farm that is trying to support their hives of crucially vital pollinators is a more ethical purchase than sugar purchased from a large corporation that pays poverty-stricken third world laborers pennies to do back-breaking labor with machetes in a hot field.

again, i have no problem with anyone who chooses to avoid animal products, but the suffering of those laborers matters more than the "exploitation" of bees, and it pisses me off to pretend otherwise.

[redphlox]

Dabi's fear of feelings and connections

Dabi is a walking contradiction; he says he doesn't care about anyone, but his flames, which are linked to his emotions, demonstrate otherwise when Twice is killed. Dabi brushes off the news that Natsuo could have died because of him but still refers to him affectionately as Natsu-kun. Touya went around calling Endeavor out for neglecting his children but still trained to regain his approval and attention anyway. He lashed out at baby Shouto, admitted Shouto had done nothing wrong, and then attacked him again years later. He cries blood while thinking about his family but doesn't go home to them or change his actions which hurt them even more. Dabi wants to destroy hero society for a better future but it's obvious he doesn't plan to live long enough to see that future.

The gaps between his actions and his words are a result of dissociation and repression. It's not that Dabi is emotionless. Actually, he feels too much and he's afraid of his feelings because they've done nothing but hurt him emotionally and physically. He literally almost burned to death the one time he had a burst of emotion on Sekoto Peak and in order to prevent a repeat of that, he operates under the flawed notion that safety lies in repressing his feelings and pushing people away. He lies to himself and others and therefore cannot reconcile with his true self and can’t trust others.

In this meta I'll discuss how Dabi deals with his unprocessed feelings of betrayal and neglect by denying himself connections with both his inner wounded child and those around him. I'll also address a few misconceptions surrounding Dabi because dismantling them is key to understanding him. Contrary to popular belief, he does not want to kill his father, he never wanted to be a hero for his own sake, and he doesn't hate Shouto or his family. At its core, Touya's hurt stems from discovering that his relationship with his father wasn't based on unconditional love. This realization destroyed his sense of self so much it caused him to start fearing his own feelings and being close to others because of the link between his emotions and his self-destructive quirk.

To understand Dabi we have to understand Touya. In 291 we see through Endeavor's flashback that Touya was eager to train under him and carry his legacy. It's implied by the fact they’re working on ultimate moves that not only is Touya a willing, eager participant but that the two have been training together for quite some time. In 301 we learn that after Touya's quirk started hurting him Endeavor not only abandoned the training regime but also abandoned Touya both emotionally and physically. Instead of using the time he spent training Touya to help Touya find a new hobby or purpose in life, or just hanging out with his kid, Endeavor chooses to remove himself from Touya’s life. When Touya confronts him about the change of routine, Endeavor is seen putting on his jacket and leaving the home, his body turned away from his son.

Maybe Endeavor had errands to run, but my point is that he was in Touya’s life one minute and then gone the next. Touya says so himself: why did Endeavor change his mind all of a sudden? The abrupt change in attitude was jarring for a 4-5 year old to handle. To Touya, training = love, so he felt compelled to keep training and demonstrate his worthiness despite the fact that his quirk was hurting him. To Touya, the pain was worth it if it meant hanging out with his dad again.

But why? Well, Touya was Endeavor's #1 fan, genuinely so. His admiration and fondness for his father was genuine, and he didn't question the triumphant look on Endeavor's face when Touya said he wanted to learn the ultimate move. Before his quirk started burning him, Touya had no idea he was born for his father's ulterior motives. He had no reason to question his father's attention. Touya lived under the impression his bond with his dad was genuine and special, and he probably felt lucky that his father was willing to share something so important to him (heroism). Even after the training stops and Endeavor stops paying attention to Touya, Touya still wears his merch and vies for his attention. Most kids see their parents as larger than life and Touya was no exception. Keigo Takami admired Endeavor the hero, and Touya Todoroki admired his father who just so happened to be the hero Endeavor. Since being a hero was such a big deal for Endeavor, it was a big deal for Touya.

But that's where Touya's story becomes tragic. His father is a flawed, flawed man with many insecurities and fallacies that he pushes onto his family. I’ll get to those in a moment, but as intelligent and observant Touya is to catch on that Endeavor never set out to marry to become a father, he is too young to separate himself from his father’s expectations. Touya realizes he was born for a purpose and Touya will be damned if he doesn't fulfill that purpose even if he knows it's wrong. His father's ‘love’ meant that much to him. For Touya, it's not about becoming a hero for the glory. It was about his relationship with his father because, as I mentioned earlier, Touya was his #1 fan in the sense that he loved Enji just for being his dad. There were no conditions tied to that. “You are my dad, and I love you.”

But that wasn’t a sentiment that Touya felt in return, and that hurt Touya. He internalized he wasn't good enough, that something about him was inherently wrong. But more than that, his world came tumbling down - he felt betrayed and lied to: his father didn't love him like Touya needed him to, and this truth destroyed him. Their relationship was a lie, a farce, and it hurt so much Touya became obsessed with not hurting anymore because he couldn’t get away from it.

Touya’s motivation to become a hero didn't rise from being inspired by All Might like Shouto. Touya’s thought process wasn’t "I want to be a hero to help others or be like All Might" like Deku. No, Touya only wanted to be a hero because he wanted his father to be proud of him for surpassing All Might. Notice that Touya's obsession with beating All Might slowly diminishes from “I can surpass All Might” to “I can surpass All Might like Shouto, too” to just “look at me, Endeavor.” It was never about being a hero per say, but about his relationship with his father. Touya realized that Endeavor isn't his father first, but a hero, and he understands that he has to be a hero too to fit into his father's world. Even upon realizing that his father was using him, Touya still wanted to be part of his life, still wanted that bond. Touya, in his desperation to be loved and accepted again, could look past his father's selfishness as long as he regained that approval. Touya could pretend the relationship was real as long as he stopped feeling so unlovable.

This is unhealthy thinking, of course. Even if Touya somehow managed to regain Endeavor's approval, the relationship would still be one-sided and dissatisfying because he wouldn't be able to ignore the truth. But, this is how he rationalized his insistence to keep training in his 4-5 year old mind and this line of thought stuck with him as he grew up just as those feelings of inadequacy never left him.

This is precisely why Natsuo's drowsy "can't you go talk to our sister?" hurt so much. Touya was already emotionally fragile, and hearing that felt like being rejected all over again when it was actually Natsuo just trying to sleep. Touya was hypersensitive to any words or actions that could be interpreted as dismissive. His trauma wouldn't listen to logic that Natsuo was 8 and too young to understand, that he was tired - no, Touya's brain said, you're being rejected again! This is also why he also stormed away crying from Fuyumi after she expressed her concern for him.

In Touya’s mind, why couldn't anyone just agree with him that he was good enough? He heard "your dad's right and you're not good enough so why try" not "I care about you, your father is wrong, and I don't want you to keep getting hurt" whenever Rei tried to get him to stop training because that's the message he got from his father, too. Nevermind that it infuriated Touya that his mother could stand there and preach to him when, from his perspective, she couldn’t take her own advice. All Endeavor ever did was teach him to turn up the heat, so why should it matter that doing just so hurts him? Touya didn't understand NOT training his quirk because he had been taught that raising his firepower was ideal in all situations. Those two statements didn't make sense to a 4-5 year old, a 13 year old, and it still doesn’t make sense as a 24 year old.

To take Endeavor's lack of self awareness a step further, because it's important to understand Endeavor to fully understand Dabi, Endeavor has yet to realize his own inherent worth. He doesn't have to prove anything to his family, especially his kids. They love him unconditionally, without special reason aside from the fact that he's theirs and he's himself. However, Endeavor is so obsessed with proving himself that he doesn't realize he never had to, and he projects this onto his children. They must prove themselves by winning the genetic lottery, by being useful to his plans, by surpassing All Might.

The irony that to be a great father he doesn't have to be a hero at all is ugly because Endeavor has no identity outside of being a hero. Endeavor has said before he wants to be a good hero and father to make Shouto proud, but he fails to realize he already had this in Touya all those years ago and it still left him unsatisfied. The issue isn’t his role as a hero, it’s his inner self. In 301 Endeavor literally reaches out to Touya to talk him out of training and hurting himself, and Touya allows his father to touch his shoulders because he wants a bond with his father - any bond. Shouto, on the other hand, wouldn't allow Endeavor to touch him in 167 and slaps his hand away because he doesn’t want Endeavor’s approval. Endeavor doesn't realize Natsuo carries deep abandonment and neglect issues because he wanted to be accepted by his father too (light novel #5) but was ignored. Endeavor doesn't realize he was always good enough by default and that by projecting onto his kids and trying to be the top hero he’s doing the opposite of what he wants. He just keeps pushing away his family.

It’s important to point out Endeavor’s illogical thinking because Touya learned some of these same ideas. Touya repeatedly tries to prove himself without realizing that he was always good enough by default. The problem wasn’t his quirk or his body, but his father’s flawed thinking and self-worth issues. Now as an adult, Dabi is selfish because he's Endeavor's son and emobidies his most negative characteristics. Dabi thinks of his flames as Endeavor's, and he thinks of himself as an extension of Endeavor because that's how Endeavor set him up for life. Touya has no identity to fall back on after his father casts him aside. He was supposed to be Endeavor 2.0, but now that title is Shouto’s. Dabi doesn’t hate Shouto as a person, but he has tricked himself into believing Shouto is their father’s puppet. Shouto is a doll being used by their father with no self agency, and Dabi is going to break all of Endeavor’s toys. It’s nothing personal against Shouto, it’s just Shouto’s bad luck that he happens to be Endeavor’s masterpiece. This is why Dabi doesn’t hurt Shouto when they first meet at the training camp, and why Dabi stops attacking Shouto after Endeavor passes out - it’s not about Shouto. It’s about Endeavor, and breaking Endeavor. Touya is still there trying to be part of his father’s world, only this time not as a hero but as a villain who will end his own suffering. He doesn't want Endeavor to die, he just wants him to suffer, to ruin his dreams. Dabi thinks of it as justice.

But because Touya is still there, there is still that goodness in him, too. His connection to Fuyumi and Natsuo is still there, repressed and compartmentalized. It’s why he calls them affectionately as Fuyumi-chan and Natsu-kun. Touya’s pain is so great he has decided he’d rather end it than to carry on and look elsewhere. He's stuck, rightfully so. He recognizes his mother is a flawed person and ultimately doesn’t blame her for being a victim - she could have done more for her son, but he still sees her and his other siblings, even Shouto, as people who fell victim to Endeavor’s abuse who don't challenge their situation. Dabi sees himself as someone who does stand up to the abuse but doesn’t realize he still wants his father’s attention. He's always wanted it. That's why he went around at 13 condemning his father's treatment of his children but still trained to prove himself. This is part of the reason he became a villain.

Not to mention that Dabi literally can't cry. He has no way to release those emotions, so instead of trying to let them out, he pushes them down. But that doesn't work and is detrimental in the long run. In 290-294 we saw Dabi's flames burn so hot during his confrontation with Endeavor and revealing himself as Touya that his burns have spread. Dabi is afraid of his feelings because of their connection to his flames, but he also uses his feelings to his advantage. He wants to go out in an inferno along with Shouto just to hurt Endeavor and put an end to his own suffering and Endeavor's career. This is why Dabi doesn't bother calming himself down or denying that he never forgot how he was treated when he lived at home. Dabi became emotional in that battlefield, smiling maniacally instead of crying because he physically can't cry. In his mind, if his feelings are going to destroy him, he might as well use them to prove a point. After all, he has experience being used. It's why he was born.

I'm not saying any of these actions or thoughts are healthy or correct or condoned, by the way. Trauma responses don't make logical sense and usually aren't healthy. Knowing how the mind responds to trauma, it's understandable that Touya still wanted his father's attention even if it was abusive. In fact, this is how children often respond to abuse. Their caretaker/parent is all they know and they cling to these figures. Often times when authorities try to remove a child from their abusive parents, the child doesn't want to go because this parent is all they know and they do feel like they love their parent/caretaker. I’m not saying the authorities got involved in this case, because obviously they didn’t, but this same mentality of abused children can be applied to Touya. Touya, in his four year old mind, probably convinced himself that if he was good enough everything would go back to how it used to be.

So, to sum up Dabi’s character, of course he doesn't make any sense. He’s still that hurt 4-5 year old who is trying to protect himself from ever getting hurt like that again while still wanting his father’s validation. Of course he doesn’t want to get close to anyone, not even the League. He doesn't want to be vulnerable or let people in or form connections because the last time that happened he was let down, forsaken, and it hurt so much it literally made him lose control of his quirk to the point he almost died. When Twice is killed, Dabi consoles himself by saying he didn't care anyway, all to prevent another emotional fire. Dabi is a master of compartmentalizing and boxing away his feelings - this is probably why, 310 chapters into BNHA, we have yet to have a few chapters in his POV or his backstory. He's disconnected from himself. He knows his plot to get justice will hurt his siblings and mother and to live with himself and move forward he represses those feelings.

Because of his father not showing up on Sekoto peak, Dabi has to live with physical disabilities due to his scars and memories of burning alive. He doesn't want to go through that again so he lies to himself that he doesn't care about anyone or anything. He denies that he's still in pain while simultaneously seeking validation of his pain. He acts like he doesn't care about his family but still calls them affectionate names. He acts like he hates Endeavor and calls him by his name but still wants his attention. He decided long ago that he would die destroying Endeavor's career because that was the thing Endeavor cares about most of all in this life. It's a "you hurt me so I'll hurt you" mentality. He has tricked himself into thinking this is justice, failing to realize this won't make him feel better if he doesn't die by his own hand along the way.

Dabi is full of resentment and spite, both of which take root from feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and the loss of a purpose and the realization that he wasn't born to be loved for who he was but as a tool for his father. The first betrayal he suffered was in the form of realizing his father didn't love him genuinely, and this was identity-breaking for him. He never recovered from it. The second betrayal, the reinforcer, was his father not showing up to Sekoto Peak. Since then, Dabi is reliving his trauma over and over again the more he uses his quirk and the more he faces Endeavor. To be saved, Dabi needs to accept that he is loved unconditionally and needs to be validated that he was right to feel thrown aside and used.