#I just didn’t know if it was genuine feelings or me missing having romantic aspects in my relationship & projecting those feelings

[littlebirdy0301]

I am newly single and already have caught feelings for someone, debating if that’s a bit awful or not lmao

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

I’m also a "Paul is not meaningfully attracted to men" person. He just reads so so straight to me (although I do think his relationship to other men in general is odd!). What did Paul think his relationship with John was exactly? What a great question, and I’ll give you my feelings which is I definitely DONT think Paul ever thought about it while they were together. I truly believe P+J were in an emotional relationship (I.e. they were basically on the dating level but without the romantic aspect) because Paul was doing so much emotional managing of John and John gave Paul emotional support. They both put a ton of unqualified emotional labor in to an each other that’s usually reserved for a romantic relationship (for men). (But I also don’t think either of them were super aware of that while it was happening. I think John knew there was an exchange there but didn’t really understand it till later). I think in the 80s directly after John died Paul went on a journey to figure out what happened in their relationship and I think he found things out that really shook him. I think he maybe realized there was a romantic element to their relationship (especially from johns pov) but then I also think he kinda rejected it after realizing it brought up so much guilt within him. I think he has slowly realized over time John wasn’t such a great partner to him but then he hates thinking about that so he vacillates wildly between love and anger and grief. I think he went through a period in the 80s were he genuinely thought “maybe I should’ve just … “ but can’t quite let himself think about it. I think he thinks I could’ve loved him enough to make him stay I wish I had but it was too scary he wanted too much from me. I think now as an old man he thinks I love him that much now it doesn’t scare me anymore I could’ve hugged him and kissed him easily I wish I hadn’t been so uptight (and I don’t mean that romantically). I think he romanticizes the times they laid in bed together because there was an intimacy there he deeply misses. I think John was the first love of his life and I think he’s realized it now (like now now) but it took him 20/30 years post him dying to kinda realize that. Again I don’t mean romantically I think in the sense of I put as much emotional labor in to John as I did in to Linda (although obviously much more with Linda). While they were in their relationship I think Paul only thought of it as like.. natural?? This is just how we naturally are. We legally own a piece of each other and so it’s natural I take this much interest and care. I think Jane forced him to question his relationship with John many times and mostly he dodged it but there definitely came a time where it scared him that people could think of them as queer which is kinda like step one in to their fractured relationship. Now I think he looks back on it like so what? So what if I loved him and he loved me (once again this is like a recent thing). I don’t think it was sexual for Paul but was it sexual for John? I think johns sense of sex was wildly distorted so any deep feeling was entangled with sex and certainly intimacy was entangled with sex (that’s probably also an era thing so Paul falls in to that as well) so I think John in particular struggled with sexual desire and intimacy desire being intermixed. Anyway that’s my analysis

(Cont.)

I know I said SO MUCH in that last ask sorry but also I just thought what about Paul and Sex? And I have to say I do think Paul’s relationship with John wildly effected his sexuality and sense of sex especially since they met so young I think John had a huge impact on how Paul relates to sex so to say it’s completely detached from their relationship? Err I can’t quite dismiss it! But I think it mostly comes across in Paul’s relationships with women than in with John. I just look at the dynamics Between Paul and Francie and Jane and Heather in particular and I think there’s echoes of John here. Idk what that means for Paul but!! Sex definitely plays a part but I don’t see it as Sex and Romance combined it’s definitely different quadrants.

Wow! What an insightful ask to wake up to!

I find myself agreeing with a lot of it, though I'm slightly unclear what you mean by emotional labour. I do see Paul as taking on somewhat of a role of John's carer, though more in an almost parental way, but while I think John loved Paul a lot I'm not sure what labour he was doing? He does seem to have played a role in calming Paul's nerves, as that one scene in Get Back shows, but it's hard for me to gauge how often stuff like that occurred.

Anyways! Here's stuff I really really like/want to emphasize from your take: (under the cut to not clog everyone's dash):

"I definitely DONT think Paul ever thought about it while they were together. […] While they were in their relationship I think Paul only thought of it as like.. natural?? This is just how we naturally are. We legally own a piece of each other and so it’s natural I take this much interest and care."

This! I also think it wouldn't be technically wrong to call the way they were natural. Personally, I think it kind of was. They spent an insane amount of time together, went through the one-way-door of fame together, worked on art together – which IS intimate in my opinion – plus there was that whole mother dying bond. So, I sort of get it, if Paul looked at his atypically close relationship to John and didn't feel like it was out of the ordinary in that way. Also great point re:"we legally own a piece of each other". I think it's kind of fascinating the way their names were legally tied to each other in a way that echoes real marriages. It plays a huge part in Paul's "claim" on John during the post-1980 Widow Wars.

"I think in the 80s directly after John died Paul went on a journey to figure out what happened in their relationship and I think he found things out that really shook him. I think he maybe realized there was a romantic element to their relationship (especially from johns pov) but then I also think he kinda rejected it after realizing it brought up so much guilt within him."

I definitely think this is possible, though I'm very on the fence about whether it happened. Either way, the amount of guilt that realization could bring about seems insurmountable to me. If I found out something like that it would be soul-crushing to be honest.

"I think he has slowly realized over time John wasn’t such a great partner to him but then he hates thinking about that so he vacillates wildly between love and anger and grief. I think he went through a period in the 80s were he genuinely thought “maybe I should’ve just … “ but can’t quite let himself think about it. I think he thinks I could’ve loved him enough to make him stay I wish I had but it was too scary he wanted too much from me."

I think this is a great point, though I feel a lot of that anger must have already come to the forefront when the breakup happened. What does seem to have happened since is Paul trying to understand John's mental health problems, in his own, kind of problematic way. I think this is the place his whole bringing up John's family situation shtick originates from: a misguided attempt to contextualize John's less savoury behaviour. And of course, the fact that John was deeply troubled, did struggle immensely with his own self-image, did have major abandonment issues does in the end make the guilt of not being able to help him more (by "loving him enough" or by getting him professional help that wasn't really available at the time) at odds with the justified anger Paul felt at the hurt John caused him. I think this is a seriously under-explored piece of Paul's post-1980 feelings for John, and I get why: Paul downplays it massively because it's a dark road.

There's also an inherent trade-off between Paul finally internalizing that John did in fact genuinely care about him and him subsequently realizing that perhaps John wanted more. It's deeply sad however you choose to spin it :(

And lastly, yeah, I've wondered if, if Paul knew John had harboured romantic feelings for him, would he think "well... I could have done that". Not because he necessarily genuinely desired it, but because it's so hard to imagine post-hoc anyways, and he just wants something that will fix it, and in the world of hypotheticals, anything is better than the reality we're living in.

"I think now as an old man he thinks I love him that much now it doesn’t scare me anymore I could’ve hugged him and kissed him easily I wish I hadn’t been so uptight (and I don’t mean that romantically)."

Yeah… Yeah. Again, this makes perfect sense to me. It honestly makes me kind of sad to see how tactile he is with Ringo these days. Like he'll give him a cheek kiss as a greeting and I just mourn the carefree intimacy That Could Have Been, y'know, that clearly he regrets not having with John.

"I think John was the first love of his life and I think he’s realized it now (like now now) but it took him 20/30 years post him dying to kinda realize that."

I do kind of wonder if him realizing that after the fact might also mean that it may in fact be somewhat revisionist of him to think of it that way. And that isn't to say that John didn't mean an immense amount to him at the time, but I guess the idea of a "love of one's life" is somewhat constructed if that makes sense. Like part of someone being the love of your life is that you think of them that way. So if he only began thinking of it that way after John died, is that the same as if he had realized it while they were together? I think this is an interesting question. In a way, Paul continues to shape the reality of his relationship to John to this day – which is not the same as lying or delusion in my opinion! It's simply that as he ages the lens with which he looks back inevitably keeps changing with him.

I think Jane forced him to question his relationship with John many times and mostly he dodged it but there definitely came a time where it scared him that people could think of them as queer which is kinda like step one in to their fractured relationship.

Could you elaborate on this? I agree that Jane probably called his relationship to John into question, but I've never seen anything indicating directly that Paul was worried people thought him and John were in a romantic relationship at the time (clearly, the rumours that cropped up after the fact have bothered him). I know there's that Apple Scruff report where just, after telling the groupies who hung around Cavendish that he would be marrying Linda soon and receiving blank stares in response, he exploded like "what??? you think I'm some queer who'll never get married???" but that particular story isn't directly linked to his relation to John. Is there another story I've missed?

That being said, I think Paul felt self-conscious about how John took it, thinking back to Paul being afraid dying George would swat him away for holding his hand. And we know John used to regularly disparage Paul for being "sissy" in various ways.

I think johns sense of sex was wildly distorted so any deep feeling was entangled with sex and certainly intimacy was entangled with sex […] so I think John in particular struggled with sexual desire and intimacy desire being intermixed.

Harrrrd agree on this. I think the Julia stuff really indicates this and it's just the general vibe I get from the way he talked about relationships as an all-or-nothing thing.

(that’s probably also an era thing so Paul falls in to that as well) […] And I have to say I do think Paul’s relationship with John wildly effected his sexuality and sense of sex especially since they met so young I think John had a huge impact on how Paul relates to sex so to say it’s completely detached from their relationship? Err I can’t quite dismiss it! But I think it mostly comes across in Paul’s relationships with women than in with John.

Also agree with this a lot actually! Both that the way they both put marriage on a pedestal is definitely a historical thing and it's true that makes the atypicalness of their friendship more ""questionable"" in that sense; it's one of the reasons I've never wholly dismissed Full Reciprocated McLennon™, because this aspect is somewhat better accounted for by that version of events. And yes, it's undeniable they experienced sex together, if not necessarily with each other.

(But Fiona! Confirmed circlejerks??? – Again, this is a fair point, but I do think this falls into the ambiguous of category of "could be gay – could not be" where it just kind of depends how the participants think of it plus how much they're actively thinking about everyone else involved and if so, in what way. If you personally consider it gay no matter what, then congrats, John and Paul had sex, but I don't know that Paul agrees with you and if he doesn't I don't think that would necessarily constitute denial.)

I just look at the dynamics Between Paul and Francie and Jane and Heather in particular and I think there’s echoes of John here.

Could you maybe elaborate on this? I find myself in partial agreement but I'm also not sure how much of that is just because Paul has an MO for operating with people in general. Also for the John/Heather Mills parallels, please refer to my Friend Hannah (@royaltyisshe64) and her pipeline theory lol. (Literally bless my tagging system for helping me track this down again)

All in all, thank you so much for your long thoughtful message!

[booksandpaperss]

kind of obsessed with the fact you've slowly gotten more blatant with heartstopper hate lmfao😭 it's like. fine to me it's cute but NOTHING SERIOUS IS EVER GOING ON so I gotta be in a really specific mood for it I still haven't watched s2. definitely couldn't be a fixation. and everyone fucking loves it it's the best thing since sliced bread and I'm like. why tho. and then any critique of it is sorta dumbed down to "oh you just don't like how sweet it is but teenagers deserve sweet romance" like ok but why's it gotta be boring though. and too healthy like beyond normal levels of healthy. like this is missing even the usual human levels of miscommunication. and it gets resolved too easy. sorry this was supposed to cut off 4 sentences ago I'm realizing now in your inbox that I apparently have beef with heartstopper

LKSSJJSJS LISTEN listen. I don’t even hate it. truly. I even genuinely enjoyed myself during the nick and Charlie parts bc that’s the part that thought is actually put into. I just hate how much everyone loves it so blindly

honestly my biggest beef with it is that it’s marketed and treated as the most genuine and diverse groundbreaking queer storyline there is when that’s literally so far from true and it really really shows ppls true colors when they think this bc the sapphics and POC are literal props it’s actually absurd for a show that’s supposed to be a safe space for queer ppl

and god do I hate that part of the reason it’s so popular is bc it portrays these queer teenagers as never having a single, physical thought in their entire life. there was this whole plot centered around one single hickey that Charlie had??? and something abt the physical attraction portion of it all, which they did try to show btw, felt disingenuous to me. and I know that’s why it’s so palatable to a mainstream audience and it pisses me off and again it just doesn’t feel genuine. which is ironically one of the main arguments against heartstopper criticism: “it’s not cringe it’s just earnest” when yeah maybe it’s Trying to be earnest but when u look at it from more than a surface level lens it’s not rlly succeeding

and I know the aroace storyline in season 2 with Isaac resonated with a lot of people and I think that’s wonderful, and I actually do think that was something that was done well, but how can you have a storyline around asexuality when you don’t show the contrast in how it is being an allosexual queer person. there was a whole lot of romantic attraction going on but even more tip toeing around the sexual attraction aspect. and I don’t expect it to be like sex education for example in terms of the focus on sex obv , but the lack of acknowledgment of that aspect of the queer experience paired with how much the uwu wholesomeness of it all is played up rlly rubs me the wrong way. once again: it feels dishonest

I was actually talking about this with one of my mutuals the other day and they pointed out that it is very plain that alice olseman did not consult a single queer man in the writers room. and if someone can prove this wrong be my guest but I rlly don’t think the whole physical attraction component would have been done so badly had an actual queer man been on the team. feels kind of like back in summer 2022 when byler shippers would literally shun and harass anyone who even implied that Will’s feelings for Mike probably included physical attraction meanwhile Noah Schnapp himself was making jokes about it bc he’s an actual gay teenager.

not gonna even get into right now how Tara and darcy felt even more like props this season than in the last one and I didn’t even like watching their scenes bc the writing itself felt performative. that’s a whole other post.

and man, wouldn’t it have been so nice if there had actually been people of color in that writers room. On a purely surface level heartstopper has a very diverse cast but once again, peel away even one layer and you realize it’s a bunch of tokenism, which brings me full circle back to my original point: you can’t say it’s peak representation and diversity when it’s whitewashed as hell and doesn’t gaf abt sapphics despite literally being written by one. guess she chose her whiteness over her queerness even when writing a queer story which wowwww sooooo original.

okayyyy anyways did NOT mean to write a whole essay but u discovering ur own beef reminded me of mine lmaooo

all of this was to say that basically I’m not gonna pretend I didn’t enjoy myself during parts of the show, and I don’t wanna shame ppl for liking it that is not at all what I’m trying to do here, it has its own place in queer media and if a show like this came out in like 2010 it would be groundbreaking despite its issues (but again it’s literally 2023 do fucking better) , but I take issue with people treating it like something it’s not and with the amount of love it gets I feel like I have to be really loud about my criticism of it, especially bc usually the criticism of the show that gets any attention isn’t even slandering it for the right reasons and like. if ur gonna hate on something queer and popular do it right

oh and heartstopper writers? maybe try speaking with an actual teenager once in your life before writing their dialogue they do not fucking communicate that well

okay I’m done now finally 🫡

[bonesandthebees]

Oh I missed something [Schlatt reached out for Quackity again and Quackity flinched back.] Schlatt just grabbed Quackity right? He didn’t hit him. (Not in this interaction.) so is the flinching just because of the face grabbing (and bruising grip) or has he hit him before?

Anyway, time for the really, really fun bit.

[“There are other people I could bring to my side. All it would take is some convincing,” Quackity protested weakly./“Who? Give me a name.”]

This is very clearly about Wilbur. Quackity thinks that he can still sway him to his side [“I can be very persuasive,” Quackity shot back.] *cough* he means seductive *cough*

[“Oh, that’s quite the fucking joke right there. His side is already spoken for and you know it.”]

One of my favourite lines in the entire chapter. Schlatt means that Wilbur’s side is chosen and it’s Niki. But we know that while Wilbur’s choice might have been Niki at the start, he has been taught to keep all his options open, thus he never denied Quackity. It’s a fair assumption that he could still be swayed.

And he is being swayed, by the outside pressure of his father to consider Tomys as an option. The pressure to lie to Niki is making cracks in the friendship and forcing them apart, but no one else knows that.

Then there’s the fact that Wilbur thinks he has not chosen his side. It!s what the audience might think at this point. BUT his choice has already been made subconsciously (and will be made consciously later in the chapter). It’s not the same choice. Not in his mind anyway, but it’s a very clear choice about who he trusts and who he’s loyal to. (I’ll get there in the next batch).

(4/?)

-🌲

yes, schlatt only grabbed quackity and didn't hit him. he might be an asshole but he does have limits and he knows outright hitting someone above his rank would be going way too far. (though I will say when I originally wrote this scene I did have schlatt hit quackity, but ultimately decided that, like I said, it would be going too far on schlatt's end. also if wilbur witnessed that he would've stepped in, hence why I changed it)

ding ding ding yup he's talking about wilbur! quackity knows that there's something going on between them so he could certainly use it to try and sway wilbur to his side, but it's not just the romantic aspect of their relationship. they have a lot of mutual respect for one another. quackity genuinely feels that wilbur recognizes that he could be a great ruler. he thinks that if he really put effort into it and promised wilbur the position of consil, he might be able to get wilbur on his side.

meanwhile schlatt points out that wilbur's been sided with niki virtually his entire life. to outsiders in the court is appears that wilbur's loyalty is unswayable. but like you said, we as the readers know that's not the case. wilbur's loyalty is far weaker than what it first appears and that he's been taught to go after power above all else.

heh yeah when it comes to wilbur's choice... he doesn't think he's decided, but at least part of him has. that'll be relevant next chapter :)

[rodolfoparras]

I got a low score on my exam 😞 and I dropped my grade down like it's not my fault I'm dyslexic this is why I like math more it's easier. Also, I got a new doctor for now cause my doctor is on holiday and I don't like them I felt very off. Also is it weird that I'm scared to shave like I've always been big on hygiene and grooming is sort of big for me I'm more on the hairy side but I do trim not too much but enough but I'm scared to go anywhere near my private parts cause I'm scared I will get botched. Also, I kinda miss my dog Pongo it's very close to his death anniversary I miss the little pup. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong but I don't know what. I feel like I'm gonna be single forever sometimes I love both aspects of a relationship romantic and sexual but it is very hard for me to feel relief from the sexual aspect like I'm never satisfied which sucks I've never had many partners cause I'm more of an in it for the long run type of guy so I only ever had 2 partners and one of them was non-sexual cause we never reached that part. Not only that but I get sad cause I want to have a family of my own someday but I can't cause I like guys and guys can't get pregnant I also want to live on a nice farm or modern cabin someday while having an apartment or house in the city. But I have been going to the gym mainly to build muscle cause I used to be a twig.

- ❤️‍🔥

Sugar I am so sorry your grade dropped but please don’t beat yourself up! Dealing with dyslexia isn’t easy. I’ve always known what dyslexia is but it wasn’t until I was peer grading another classmates paper that I realized that y’all have it fucking hard.

When it comes to doctors I know it isn’t easy to pick and choose your health care professionals but I’d be like ok does this doctor listen to my needs does this doctor help me as long as those boxes are ticked that’s all it matters bc I assume you’ll only meet them limited amount of times? Either way just make sure the doc is doing their job

In terms of shaving there are tutorials on tiktok on how to shave down there I unfortunately didn’t save the video bc this was months ago but I know there’s a YouTuber who does shaving tutorials !!

He went viral for shaving his ass on camera but he genuinely gives good shaving / hygiene advice !

Is it okay to ask when pongo passed away? You see my moms death anniversary is March 28 and I’m sure she’ll happily arrange a party for him 😌

But the loss of a pet isn’t always easy and I know it’s not like losing a relative so I’m giving you all the kisses and hugs and wishing you sm strength and love!!!

The feeling about doing something wrong but not knowing what it is, it’s a very common feeling!! It can be that we have a lot of expectations and goals bubbling under the surface and it feels like we could be doing so much more but I’m genuinely not being cheesy when I say that being alive is enough like I promise you with everything in me

In terms of relationships,a tip I do have is to wait with the sex, yes you’re in it for the long haul but meet as many people as possible without trying to make it sexual

One day you’ll meet someone you click with and whatever you do will become so much more elevated because you’ve spent time getting to know each others likes and dislikes etc

Also sugar it’s very much possible nowadays for gay men to have a family! You can have surrogate you can adopt! There are so many ways!

Also you sound just like my dad his dream is to retire and live on the country side!

Also hello let’s go!! I’ve started going to the gym as well I even have a personal trainer to keep me accountable 😭

[femmefatalevibe]

hello, love!

i hope you remember me. i am that 16-year-old you helped navigate unhealthy hyperfixation regarding my famous, influencer/actor crush at school which i’m very grateful for. i gain a lot of self-compassion and i’m doing great really — had made to be part of the honor roll this term still :) — at least in that aspect of my life, i found the balance between my attraction and triggers to battle my insecurities. i really hope you’re not annoyed at my little drama at this point. i feel like it’s not even a big deal, why fuss so much about it? but i really felt safe opening this up with you through your amazing blog.

so now... i still didn’t make a move but at the end of the month (june), i plan to confess personally because it’s going to be the end of the school year and whatever is the outcome, i had a lot of time to focus on myself and everything’s going to be okay. but speaking of which, i’m kinda worried about because we never even had actual conversation. but i’m almost sure he knew me. through my friend who liked him of course. there was no progress between them and she actually started liking someone else months ago but they barely work out so whenever we’re at campus, i can still see her making excuses just to see him (my crush) though. we also have a couple of eye contacts so i hope that counts.

i am not denying in anyway that i am attracted to him, however, i do not intend to date him IF i actually have a chance with him. i just wanted to have closure and tell him how i feel and so i can move forward (assuming that it’s going to be the outcome given how transparent he is with his priorities and that is is his career) and i suppose it has to do with the fact that i am trying to heal and fix myself as well and not ready to commit to anything yet. i hope i make any sense.

i can’t stress enough how mortified i am just thinking about having to approach him but at the back of my thought it felt like i wanted him to know how i felt so bad. i think i’m going to pass out it sucks. i’m also worried because i feel like i’m betraying my friend who liked him.

overall, i just wanted to ask if am i doing the right thing? what can you suggest? should i still confess? how can i overcome this fear if you think it’s for the best? does this make me a bad friend? i really value your input given that you are the first one to even know this history.

btw, i hope you are doing well :) i genuinely miss interacting with you! i almost cried when you told me you feel like a proud aunt. i look up to you so much. ❤️

Hi love! I do remember you. So glad to hear that you're doing well, and congratulations on making the honor roll! That's a huge accomplishment. Hope that you're taking time to celebrate that <3

Please know that big emotions are SO normal at your age. Every conflict or new challenge feels like it's pivotal in our lives. Fortunately, these feelings mellow out over time as you begin to realize that all of these deadlines, intellectual stressors, and interpersonal relationships are constants – not exceptions – in our lives. Also, brain development and hormones affect this, so please don't be embarrassed. We've all been where you are now (speaking on behalf of myself and the women I know in our mid-late 20s). It doesn't get easier, but you learn how to manage these things. 16/17 is such a pivotal age that I thought this insight might be helpful.

From what you're sharing with me, it seems like his approval of your feelings will offer you some sort of social or romantic validation. This makes a lot of sense given his social credibility, but, especially if you're certain that you like your idealized perception of him versus him as an actual person, I think that it is worth journaling your feelings versus making a blind confession to him – both for the sake of your feelings and your friendship.

However, I do completely get that you want some form of closure to live without regrets. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to humanize this crush of yours. Have you considered going up to him to give him a thoughtful compliment – whether on a cool jacket or something you enjoy from one of his videos? A genuine compliment is a near-foolproof social icebreaker that is undervalued when women are speaking to men (yet, we, as women, use it on each other all the time, lol). I've heard from several guys over the years that they don't get many specific compliments. So, I think this approach is a kind gesture and makes you more memorable.

Giving a compliment over a confession will save you a lot of petty drama if your friend takes your moment of truth the wrong way and protects your heart from a situation that you already stated is a means to an end. It gives you a chance to talk to him without seeming as though you overidealize his "celebrity" presence and allows the conversation to continue or taper off without leaving you emotionally raw or too vulnerable. The intention of the comment is simple to leave it open to interpretation and reads as perfectly innocent if no further actions are taken.

Just remember this sentiment you wrote for the challenges that lie ahead: "Whatever the outcome is, I had a lot of time to focus on myself and everything’s going to be okay." This is a golden truth to remember over the years (I'm still reminding myself this daily with no foreseeable end to this inner dialogue).

You're so sweet and doing great from everything you've told me!

Hope this helps! xx

[yourehottcupcake]

I guess regardless of wherever we ended up, I never imagined a world where we both didn’t stay forever in love with each other. thats where I feel stupid - I thought there was this magnetic, indescribable, soul connection that would always exist, but we were just learning to live around it. Ignore it, in a sense. I guess after 15 years, I never imagined there’d come a day where we wouldn’t be in love with each other, even after everything we’ve been through. I didn’t know the last time you told me you loved me would be the last time. That the last time we kissed would absolutely be the last time, because you certainly don’t kiss people you DONT love when you’re committed to someone else. I would’ve held onto those moments even tighter. But how dumb of me to think there WOULDNT come a day you’d fall out of love with me. When enough becomes enough, you grieve, you heal, and you move on. I’m proud of you for that, but also mad? Sad? Maybe jealous? Because now I’m stuck here in a world where I love you and I KNOW you don’t love me. I’ve questioned it many, many times over the years, but this is the first time I’ve really had to sit with, “no, I’m no longer in love with you”. And again - fair. Like I’m genuinely happy for you. And I’m also thankful, because you no longer being in love with me truly puts an absolute, final end to anything and everything between us, romantically. Because I certainly can’t convince anyone to be in love with me, nor would I try. So now I’m figuring out how I move on, how I heal. How I accept the fact that even if your marriage doesn’t work out 10, 20, or 50 years from now… you still won’t come find me anymore. And obviously I’ve never been wishing for your relationship to fail and I don’t want it to. You’re so happy and that makes me incredibly happy. I would never intentionally try to ruin that or take that away from you. But falling out of love with me means saying goodbye to any hope, any possibility, any dream for any sort of happy ending with you. And I think thats the part im grieving. I’ve spent so much time grieving my mistakes and my fuck-ups: everything I’ve ruined, everything I’ve lost when it comes to you. But I’ve been doing my best to forgive myself and accept that what’s done is done and I will have to continue to live with my consequences. But moving into this next phase is a new level of grief. I’m mourning, truly. But I’ll be okay and I will heal and I will move on some day, too. It’s helping me focus on the important things I already have in front of me. Maybe one day I can love you simply & platonically, and not be so in love with you complicatedly. You’re forever important to me, though, so I will no longer say anything thats not platonic & respectful, in hopes that one day we can rebuild a fresh, safe & healthy friendship.

I miss you terribly. In every aspect. & though your feelings for me have severely (or completely) diminished, I hope you don’t hate me or want to keep me away from you forever. Yet I’ll still respect if that’s what’s best for you & your life.

There wasn’t a point to this post, honestly, my brain is just full and I’m overwhelmed as per usual. I’m emotional. I’m sick. I’m stressed. And I can’t process all of this openly and healthily for obvious reasons. So I continue to bury myself in tumblr.

[the-----paige]

Not being able to be loving after abuse is genuinely ruining that aspect in my life for me. It made me meticulously controlling but it’s gotten worse over the last year.

Confidently I said last year that I wasn’t looking to be in a romantic space after deployment was cute but I’ve been back over 6 months now. I’m not sure that I feel comfortable speaking w a therapist about it will help. I’m scared the PTSD will come back but does it have to so that I can fix the problem?

Who knows but it’s weighing heavy today. The last couple months have been odd for me. Being harassed by someone who wouldn’t take no for an answer was scary. Almost losing someone like a sister to sewer slide left me breathless. I feel like I’ve just been coexisting with the rest of the world.

What’s equally confusing is having spent time with a man who I dated years ago and things going so smooth, I feel like I was being punked. Not to say he’s horrible, we were not the nicest to each other from ‘20-21.

GC convos like the one I had today really got me thinking. I’ve never liked being vulnerable or the center of attention prior to all of this but it’s crippling now. I didn’t wanna share what was going on w dude being a weirdo w who I did because I knew he’d come running (the middle of the night call said enough and made me feel for him more). That’s admirable and what someone does when they care for you. Whatever, that’s a lost cause that I don’t want to get into.

I felt like I was trending better but that shit shut me down. I’ve generally felt like I could say no and not worry about anything else but I guess it’s different when you have to see someone everyday. It put something else in perspective, you can’t change ppl’s minds. Acceptance has to be a thing and respected.

My clothing was talked about yet again but not in a way to tear me down but it managed to make me conscious about what I put on. There’s nothing I can do to hide my body, not that I want to but I also need to not be catcalled all damn day, in a safe space.

Maybe that’s why I’m so triggered about it all. I feel like it’s nothing I can do to undo them either. Idk, I’m rambling mainly because I’m tired.

And you know, work is work of course. More asinine reactions that will only exacerbate the real issue at hand. I’ve also felt less impactful with my role because it helps the greater good and not me fully. There’s no balance and it’s too routine. They said I was spoiled in my last role but in actuality, it made me well rounded. The weekends go by too fast.

I don’t want to seem like I’m complaining because I’m blessed beyond measure but I would like to have a genuine friendship w a man and feel safe around him outside of what I have with the two I’ve never had cross the line. I would like to feel safe enough to truly fall in love again, I miss being a lover girl. I would like to enjoy my job again.

[charlotteiscrying]

you turned my entire existence into waiting. i was your rapunzel, sitting here 3,000 miles away from you, locked inside my own prison since im not allowed to leave the state since im on probation. “if you love me, when i come back, you’ll still be waiting for me. i might come back tomorrow. maybe next year. maybe 10 years from now. if you love me, you’ll wait. n you won’t complain.”

do you not see how manipulative that is ? how straight damaging that is ? i couldn’t see it was manipulation. i had to experience it, i had to feel how it felt when i caught you cheating on me. i had to feel how it felt when i realized i was waiting for a man who was never going to come back for me. i had to feel how it felt when you told me “i just moved on.” you just moved on, meanwhile you forgot you had locked your rapunzel in her castle, n you left with the key.

you told me i hallucinated us. you told me you broke up w me that day you left for rehab. i just hallunicated us. and you just moved on. seems so simple when it’s phrased like that. it’s been a couple months now, it genuinely feels like i hallucinated your very existence on this planet. my brain has blacked you out more than any other part of my life. i rememeber more from the day my dad died than i do from the day you said “i just moved on.”

there’s so many parts of my brain that you caught onto before even i did. you used to call me autistic. “you just have a lil touch of the tism.” you know, i am autistic ? i didn’t know that. you obviously picked up on that. you chose to hide behind my misperceptions, my unknowing, behind my “insanity,” to make me seem like the problem. to never once take accountability for anything. to blame everything on me. to make it all my fault. to make me calm down n stop trying to piece those pieces together that you so desperately needed me to keep separate.

you knew you didn’t love me bc you don’t treat someone you love how you treated me. i know i didn’t love you. i loved the idea of you that you placed in my head. the nate in my head and the nate in my reality were always two different men.

i don’t think you understand the lasting damage you’ve done to my brain. i will never be able to date again. to trust again. to be vulnerable again. to even let my guard down the 1% it takes to be able to be intimate with another human. to trust my friend. to believe it when my mom says “i’ll pick you up at 8.” i will never be able to be with a man again. sexually, romantically, anything. you’ve ruined the entire male species for me. i really don’t think im ever even gonna be able to be with a girl sexually, or romantically, ever again. you’ve taken my ability to be with another human being away. even my friends, it’s not the same. i don’t, i can’t, trust that any sentence anybody says is true. you’ve damned me to a life locked up in my castle that my brain has built to protect me from everyone else. every aspect of my life could not be more different than what it was when you n i were together, yet im still condemned to the exact same fate.

before i was locked up in this castle by you, now im locked up in this castle because of you. it feels the fucking same. i miss people. i miss those feelings. but they just are not worth all this aftershock. maybe one day i will want to come out my castle. but even then, things will not be the same. i will never be able to be vulnerable again.

[todoscript]

you receive a love letter in your shoe locker from an anonymous admirer

characters: bakugou katsuki, kaminari denki, kirishima eijirou, midoriya izuku, shinsou hitoshi, todoroki shouto

genre: fluff. very slight angst.

word count: 3.2k+ total, 400-700 per character

warnings: jealousy, possessiveness, feelings of doubt (mostly all fluff though)

author’s note: i’ve been on spring break so i found some time to write this! i absolutely love writing for these six (not like they’re my faves or anything pshhhhh—)

BAKUGOU KATSUKI

he’s already fuming the moment you open your locker and hold out the pastel pink card, sealed by a shiny heart sticker with your name written in smooth calligraphy.

it doesn’t take much for him to realize some other dunce head is trying to make moves on his girl.

and he absolutely won’t stand for it.

he stomps over to you and snatches the letter right out of your hands as you’re reading it.

your complaints go ignored behind him while he inspects the writing with the most livid expression.

you know that ugly face he makes when it comes to his over-exaggerated anger? the one with his eyes all squinted and the corners sharpened upward?

that’s his face as he continues reading, growing more twisted at every mushy sentence this anonymous admirer had the gall to say to you.

at one point, he can’t stand to read it anymore so he crumbles the letter in his fist before igniting it into crisps.

you scold him for causing such a scene and letting his anger get the best of him, but bakugou is still annoyed about it regardless.

“tch, who the hell does this shithead think they are, trying to make moves on you when we’re already together?! i’m gonna kill them when i find out who it is!” he exclaims, hands instinctively sparking with heat that scares off the other students walking by.

you mentally facepalm at this. still, you go about reassuring him that you won’t be swayed and take his hand to walk to the dorms together.

“katsu, you know it’s going to take more than a love letter to make me leave you, right?”

“heh, damn right, it’s gonna take a hell of a lot more that’s for fucking sure,” he sneers, a confident smirk on his face as he knows everyone else never had a chance with you to begin with. they can keep sending those letters and he’d make sure to burn them before they could even reach your hand.

on the way back to the dorms, he makes a conscious effort at pda—arm wrapped around your waist while his eyes glare daggers at any extra that even so much as looks at you the wrong way—asserting his claim over you.

meanwhile, having bared witness to that whole scene, your secret admirer is trembling in the corner. they make note to never send you another letter again unless they want their life to flash before their eyes in a fiery explosion.

KAMINARI DENKI

surprisingly enough, kaminari takes the whole situation more positively than most people expected.

in fact, he’s actually prideful about it.

just as he’s about to head over to your locker so you two could walk to class together, sero pokes his shoulder.

“hey, did you see all those written love confessions in y/n’s locker?” sero whispers behind his cupped hand near kaminari’s ear.

the blond scrunches his nose, confused. “no. what love confessions?”

“the letters that were stuffed in your girlfriend’s locker.”

again, kaminari is still puzzled at this. he realizes there’s only one way to understand what sero means.

when he glances in your direction he’s met with you fumbling around with a pile of letters balanced in your arms. his vision zeroes in on the envelopes, deciphering the fancy stationary and pretty embroidery.

oh. they’re love letters.

“other people are trying to make moves on your girl. what are you going to do about it, kaminari?” sero chimes in with an important question and honestly, kaminari can’t exactly make out a solution. or rather, he feels he doesn’t need to.

sure, he should be a little annoyed over the fact that others are disregarding your relationship.

yet could he really blame them for taking such a liking to you?

you’re pretty, smart, nice—the whole damn package.

he’d be more shocked if you didn’t have any secret admirers lurking around.

kaminari decides to leave his friend’s question relatively unanswered and continues his trek to your locker.

“hey, pretty girl! whatcha got there?”

taken off guard by his appearance, you nearly drop all the letters in your arms.

“denki, you scared me!” you exclaim. “these? they’re just some love letters some anonymous person placed in my locker. don’t worry though! i don’t plan on returning their feelings.”

smiling at how quickly you reassure him, he crosses his arms behind his head. “nah i’m not worried, babe. i don’t feel threatened or anything. it only makes sense that my girl is popular after all!”

you’re pleasantly surprised by how rationally he reacts to the scenario. though, knowing his character, he can’t just seem to leave it at that.

“yep, seems like we’re quite the popular couple!” he grabs your hand, wanting to show each other off as you make your way to class.

the bakusquad sees this as another opportunity to egg him on.

“and just how many love letters have you received since the beginning of the school year, kaminari?”

the blond freezes at the question. kaminari bites back words, but begrudgingly answers.

“...zero.”

KIRISHIMA EIJIROU

“heya, babe!” kirishima enthusiastically calls to you, approaching your shoe locker. “ready to go back to the dorms?”

“yeah! in just a second though!” you reply.

as kirishima comes closer, he sees you occupied with some envelopes in your hand.

“what’re all those?” he asks, pointing at the refined stationary curiously.

“ah some letters gifted to me from an anonymous admirer. something about wanting to make their feelings finally known, but i’m not interested in them,” you say, clearing up everything before a misunderstanding could arise.

“oh, that’s cool.”

you quirk a brow at how relatively chill he is at this revelation. you were expecting a bigger reaction at this, but kirishima just simply smiles his genuine, care-free smile.

you don’t think much of it though. shoving the letters in your bag to dispose of later, you walk side-by-side with him to the dormitories.

little do you realize that kirishima actually mistakens this as pure, platonic admiration rather than infatuation.

to him, if they had really wanted to profess their love to you, they’d do it in person where you could see and hear them. not behind fancy penmanship and some pretty paper.

after all, that’s what a true man would do!

but as the days continue to roll by, he’s starting to have second thoughts.

“y/n, i’m telling you, with the amount of letters you keep receiving from them, you gotta find out who this person is!” he overhears mina lecturing you at your desk, going through another pile of notes that were left in your locker from that morning. lately, you’ve been greeted by an astounding number of these things each time you visited your locker.

“mina, there’s definitely no need for me to go out of my way to find this person.”

“aw, but look at all the sweet things they said about you!” mina recites a line from one of many letters. she muses about how the writer sentimentally compares your aura to that of a dandelion wisp in the wind—free and lighthearted yet fleeting and out of reach.

“how romantic!”

you roll your eyes, indifferent, but one side-glance at kirishima from your desk tells you that he’s beginning to interpret the situation differently.

the redhead has to admit that all those things that anonymous admirer said to you were… pretty sweet.

kirishima has always been a man of action—an passionate believer that actions spoke volumes compared to words alone. however, after hearing all of that, he’s wondering how he’s able to compete in that aspect.

he seeks you out during lunch and asks you something beneath a lonely corner of trees.

“y/n, do those kinds of things make you happy..?”

you tilt your head, curious about what he’s exactly referring to. one glimpse back at his demeanor in the classroom earlier with mina gives you an idea.

“do you mean all those letters i keep getting?”

kirishima nods slowly.

“well… i have to admit, it is nice to know that i’m ‘liked’ by other people,” you phrase delicately. “but all those pretty letters and sweet words don’t mean anything to me if they aren’t coming from you. besides, i always thought it’s better to let your actions speak for you, don’t you think?”

hearing your answer, kirishima’s face lights up immediately. before you can properly react, a pair of lips meet your cheek.

you rub the warm skin where his lips touched, flustered for a moment. kirishima grabs your hand, walking you two back to the lunchroom with a newfound surge of conviction in his steps.

MIDORIYA IZUKU

“ooh, look midoriya, seems like someone else has a crush on your girl.”

as midoriya’s tidying up his red shoes and bringing out his slippers for class, his male classmates inform him of the pink envelope held in your hands.

midoriya looks over in your direction. he watches as you peel the letter out of the envelope and begin reading its contents.

he doesn’t miss the slight flustered look on your features, observing how you scan through the writing while tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, glancing over your shoulder as if your secret admirer was peering at you from behind.

“you better hold onto her tightly if you don’t want her stolen from you,” one of the boys warns, more so as a joke, but midoriya doesn’t take their banter lightly.

“knock it off, guys. just because someone else likes her doesn’t mean she’s going to leave me or anything,” he says this with as much confidence as he can muster, but his demeanor betrays him.

when he goes past your desk in the classroom later, he can’t seem to meet your eyes.

“good morning, izuku!” you greet him mirthfully. however, midoriya fails to return the greeting with the same enthusiasm.

“g-good morning, y/n…”

it’s hard for you not to notice that something is up by the way he heads straight to his desk afterward without another word.

throughout class, midoriya finds it a challenge to concentrate on anything but that letter you received that morning. his mind stumbles into the hole of bad possibilities—ones of you leaving him, those sweet words from your anonymous admirer making your heart flutter more than he ever has.

“—zuku… ‘zuku… izuku!”

he gets pulled out from his thoughts by your voice and turns to see the concerned look on your face.

“you okay? you haven’t touched your pork cutlet bowl this entire time.”

he stares down at his food, untouched since he sat down. “oh sorry, i guess something’s just been on my mind today.”

your brows knit together. “it’s about the letter i got today, isn’t it?”

midoriya stares at you, debating whether to deny your statement, but knows it’s pointless to try when it must have been obvious.

you take his silence as confirmation and grasp his hand that lays flat on the table.

“izuku, look at me,” you tell him and watch as his eyes slowly trail to you. “you know i wouldn’t leave you over some silly letter, right? no amount of words they can say to me could ever make me think differently about you.”

at this, a comforted smile spreads on midoriya’s face. he nods and squeezes your hand as a sign he took your words to heart before chowing down on his food, the uncertainty inside him disappearing.

SHINSOU HITOSHI

“another one?” you inquire to yourself in disbelief, opening your shoe locker to discover a rose-colored envelope waiting for you atop your slippers.

“dang, y/n, that’s like the fourth one this week!” uraraka comments, peeking over your shoulder.

“ooh! i wanna see what they wrote for you this time!” mina approaches from behind. you allow her to grab the delicate letter from your fingertips.

she over-exaggeratedly clears her throat, unwrinkling the paper by pinching at the sides. “‘you are the one who brought me sunshine when i only saw rain.’”

“aw! how sweet!” uraraka clasps her hands above her heart, seeming almost moved.

though the girls are all smitten by the love poem, you bite your tongue, hoping to suppress the urge to gag in front of them.

your boyfriend shinsou is on equal wavelength as you, witnessing the scene unfolding so early in the morning. he’s grown tired of replaying this spectacle for the past four days now.

his eyes navigate to the note and envelope in mina’s hand. by the script and the use of the same stationary, shinsou can tell the love letters you’ve been receiving are all from the same person.

“damn dude, you got some serious competition.” overhearing the girls, kaminari jabs at shinsou’s sides teasingly. “so, you gonna do anything about that mysterious guy trying to go after your girl?”

the violet-haired boy shrugs. “why should i? it’s not like i feel threatened.”

kaminari whistles at his confidence.

shinsou says he doesn’t care about it, putting on a level-headed and indifferent facade. but that was honestly far from the truth.

in actuality, he’s a bit pissed.

what kind of person goes around sending anonymous love messages to someone who’s already in a relationship? what the hell do they hope to gain out of doing this?

shinsou more than trusts you won’t be swayed by them, no matter how many times those notes discourteously greet you every morning.

you never bring up the topic of the letters whenever you two are alone, not wanting shinsou to be bothered over it and create a hassle. all in all, he’s grateful for this, and also for the fact that you make a point of never taking any of those letters seriously and dump them into the trash bin whenever the chance arises.

however, he can tell by your body language that the whole situation bothers you and makes you uneasy.

so, during one incredibly early morning, he decides to do some scouting.

he plays off his odd punctuality by saying he left something in the classroom yesterday and wants to get there early to look for it.

lo and behold, he finds a male student hovering around the lockers—suspiciously darting his head back and forth to be on the lookout for any other students.

little does he realize he’s already been caught red-handed.

“hey you.” shinsou abruptly calls out to him and the boy nearly jumps. “what are you doing here?”

the boy panics at his question, fumbling with his answer while hiding something behind his back—what shinsou presumes to be another one of those cheesy letters.

“u-um, just want to get to class early!” he sputters.

“is there any special reason you’re standing in front of my girlfriend’s locker then? ’cause last i checked, the lockers for general education students were located on the opposite side.” shinsou emphasizes his words with a bite of malice, arms crossed.

“i just lost my way is all–” the student suddenly stops mid-speech, his words and actions forcibly coming to a halt. all thoughts are overturned in the presence of shinsou’s quirk.

“i’m going to make this quick and easy for you to understand. not only are you going to forget about this conversation, but you’re also going to stop handing my girlfriend those love letters.” shinsou bends down to the boy’s height, staring at the abyss in his expression.

“and i’d also appreciate it if you kept your eyes off what’s mine.”

it’s safe to say, your influx of letters had been effectively cut off after that day.

TODOROKI SHOUTO

todoroki is no stranger to finding love letters from avid admirers and fans in his shoe locker before and after classes.

in fact, an unprecedented number of them had begun taking up all the space there after his impressive performance at the sports festival.

when he started dating you, however, he had made a clear declaration that he wouldn’t be accepting anymore of them.

but to be on the opposite end of having to watch you unlatch the door of your locker to have letters and notes practically tumbling out, todoroki wasn’t exactly sure what to make of this feeling that made his stomach twist into knots.

he notices the alarming amount of them and concludes they’re all from various students in different grades and departments.

“y/n, you’re getting pretty popular,” uraraka says, eyeing the stack of envelopes. “must be your dance performance from the culture festival! i remember you did get a lot of cheers in the crowd.”

“guess all those cheers came with a lot of fanboys, huh?” the invisible girl, hagakure, teases.

you jokingly nudge at them to stop with the teasing, but pause when your eyes cross todoroki’s. he’s giving you a look you can’t decipher—one that edges between troubled and apathetic yet you can’t tell which it is.

you send him a nod, silently acknowledging his presence as he waits for you to finish your business so you could head back to the dorms together.

watching you dispose of the various piles of letters has todoroki contemplating about what uraraka and hagakure commented on. about how popular you were getting and how your admirers have been bold enough to profess their reverence for you despite your relationship status.

todoroki’s not entirely sure what to make of this information. he doesn’t linger on it for long though when you finally approach him, your sneakers slipped on and your backpack securely hanging off your shoulders.

“ready to head home?”

a smile finds his lips at your appearance. he softly utters his response.

during the small distance to the dormitories, todoroki reaches for your hand and intertwines your fingers together. as seemingly minor the gesture is at this point of your relationship, it’s a detail you mentally take note of.

usually, when it came to publicly displaying physical forms of affection, you were the one to initiate it. you have to admit, seeing the assertive side of todoroki is like a small breath of fresh air.

as you continue your short journey home, a couple of male students walking by greet you enthusiastically. though you wave back to kindly acknowledge them, you feel the grip on your hand tighten, followed by a slight tug closer to todoroki’s side.

that alone is enough for you to realize something is definitely troubling him.

“sho, is there something wrong?” you ask, steps still walking in tandem with him.

todoroki’s voice doesn’t waver in the slightest as he replies, “no, why would you think that?”

“you’ve been awfully possessive all of a sudden,” you note, “is this because of those letters from earlier?”

“...maybe.”

you quirk a brow, amused. “is that a yes or a no?”

now todoroki is silent. your steps come to a halt. not parting your laced hands from his, you turn to look him in the eye.

“sho?”

“it’s just… when i realize that there are other people looking at you the same way i do, i get… uneasy.” his gaze drops to the ground as he confesses this, hand squeezing yours. the uncomfortable churning in his stomach settles a bit now that the words are out, but he finds it hard to ease the atmosphere.

this is where you picked up from where he left off. your hand goes to his cheek, gently cupping it so you can tilt his head up at you.

“oh shouto, you have to know that you’re the only one for me and i don’t plan on looking at anyone else but you,” you assure him. todoroki stares into your eyes, and in them, he can’t find any hesitance or flutter of doubt.

at this, he lifts your twined hands and grazes your knuckles ever so softly against his lips, wondering whatever troubled him so much to begin with.

[wheelsup]

kissing lessons

summary: one of your classic movie nights with spencer turns into a learning opportunity

A/N: this is really fluffy, but the whole story centers around kissing. use your own judgement! i’d say it’s at worst 16+

category: spencer reid x gn!reader, fluff (with a bit of spice)  best friends to lovers (sorta)

warnings: just kissing, a brief implication at the end

word count: 3k

Occasionally, the team will spend an extra night in their hotel before heading home from a case. Be it due to poor weather conditions, or the fact that your case wrapped in the dead of night, the reasons for flying don’t ever matter. Because the majority of the times when you have to stay that extra night, you and Spencer have sleepovers.

The routine is pretty much the same. You’ll stock up on gas station snacks – sour peach rings for Spencer, salted microwave popcorn for you – and reconvene in one of your hotel rooms. Preferably, whichever of you got the better deal that week – a bigger tv, a room further away from the ice machine. And you’d rent the cheapest movie available on-demand, the options spanning from low-budget sci-fi to poorly written rom-coms. That night, the viewing fell under the latter category.

Spencer perched at the foot of your bed with both feet tucked under his legs, criss-cross style, while you laid against the headboard to watch. Every now and then, you tossed out your commentary and he’d ignore it. He always says you’re too critical of movies and you’re of the belief that he’s too forgiving.

“I don’t think they should end up together,” you mumbled, words slurring around your mouthful of popcorn. You pulled a face right as the movie approached the romantic climax, after spending the past ninety minutes actively rooting against the couple. Spencer ignored you, pretending to be engrossed in the movie to spite your disparagement of it. “They both suck.”

You groaned, slumped further against the pillows, and shoved your sock-clad toes under Spencer’s left thigh in a call for attention. He jumped at the intrusion, but ultimately, your efforts were futile.

And then the big kiss commenced, and your booing finally piqued his interest. “Gross! I feel bad for people who kiss like that.”

A small bell went off in his head and he took a curious glance at you over his shoulder.

“What do you mean?” he asked. He stopped chewing and the piece of candy in his mouth pushed out his cheek, giving him an adorably innocent look. His brows scrunched in the middle and his nose had a tiny crinkle in it, utterly confused.

You scoffed and matched his expression. “Are you serious?” You jerked your head in the direction of the television and Spencer whipped his head back, squinting. He couldn’t figure out what you were pointing out, what it was that was so obviously wrong to you. “Spencer, he’s swallowing her chin!”

Oh. He hadn’t noticed.

Feeling dumb, he muttered, “I thought that’s how you’re supposed to kiss…” It wasn’t the deepest confession to admit to you that he lacked some knowledge when it came to kissing, but he still refused to look at you as he said it.

“Spencer, please tell me you haven’t been kissing people like that.” You narrowed your eyes at the back of his head, sitting up straighter in bed. He shrugged and lowered his head, focusing on his snack as his fingers dug into the packet of gummy rings in his lap.

He popped another piece into his mouth, pretending to be occupied with eating so as to avoid your prying. “I dunno.”

It didn’t occur to you until that moment that Spencer might have learned everything he knows about kissing – among other things – solely through watching movies. How else could he look at that and think it’s normal? And you’re left wondering if he’s ever even practiced it with another living human. He clearly didn’t want to talk about it, but unfortunately, that only heightened your interest. You had to know.

“Have you ever kissed anyone before?” You kept your voice low, your tone implying that you were ready to exchange this secret with him. You wouldn’t judge him if he admitted he hadn’t.

He scoffed loudly, and though you couldn’t see his face, you’re positive he rolled his eyes too. “Yeah, of course.” Then quietly, he added on, “But it was only like… for four seconds.”

You nodded thoughtfully, considering how this new piece of information adjusted your existing view of Spencer. For some reason, you couldn’t tell if you actually expected him to be experienced or not.

He didn’t exactly scream that he’d… gotten around, for lack of better words, but you’re still surprised to learn that he’s barely done it at all. You supposed he was objectively cute, that maybe you could see it if he weren’t your best friend. And yeah, he’s a little awkward, but he’s smart and kind, so he has three great things going for him, and you’re surprised more people haven’t swooped him up yet.

Your lips curled down in thought, brows raised in curiosity. “And was it good?” It was a genuine enough question, because you’ve never really thought about Spencer Reid and kissing in the same sentence before. As it turned out, there was a lot of missing information relating to those two things.

“I don’t know! I didn’t get, like, a feedback form,” he grunted, angling his shoulder even further away from you. If you could’ve seen him, you’d notice his face boiling and turning red with heat. All this inquiring made him think harder about his … talents … than he’s ever had to before, and he’s not a fan.

You were prepared to do some more digging when the slump in his back made you feel a tinge of guilt. It was your fault he looked so defeated. You pressed too hard, disregarding his boundaries just because you wanted to know more. And now, he was wondering if there was something wrong with him, because you wouldn’t leave it alone.

He barely noticed as you swung your feet from under his thigh and rocked onto your knees, leaning forward to nudge his shoulder with your palm. It hauled his attention out of his thoughts and back into the room. You wanted to apologize, but instead you settled with “I’m sure you’re fine, Spence.”

He nodded unconvincingly. By the glow of the screen, you could see he was still gnawing on the inside of his cheek, focusing his eyes as he played with a loose hangnail on one of his fingers. It made you feel even worse. “Are you actually worried about it?” you asked, laden with concern.

“What if I am bad at it?” He whispered, like saying it too loud would make it true. “And that’s why it’s only happened once?”

A large exhale puffed out of your nose as you weighed your options.

You could go back to your original plan and apologize for setting him down this path of doubt. But that wouldn’t do anything to stop him from worrying, anyway. You could tell him there’s no correlation between the way he kisses and how frequently it’s happened; that you’re sure the reason isn’t because he’s bad. But you don’t know that for sure.

So, fuck it, you thought, grabbing a fistful of his pajama shirt and tugging him closer to you roughly, pressing your lips onto his.

This way, you’d at least have an informed opinion to be able to tell him if he was good or bad.

His lips were softer than you expected – not that you’d thought about them often, they’re just impossibly softer than they look – and invitingly warm. But they were completely stiff.

You could tell he was trying to kiss you back by the way his mouth ferociously moved over yours. He was trying to be a passionate, engaged partner, but he forgot about the aspect of tenderness.

His lips felt like two solid objects just sliding around on your face. They didn’t move in any sort of accordance with yours. There was no push and pull, your lips didn’t mesh perfectly together to form a solitary unit as they moved in unison.

It felt more like his lips were your opponent, putting up an attack and defense play against the actions of your own.

You pulled away, resisting a giggle at his bewildered face. “You’re not so terrible,” you swipe the corner of your mouth, smudged with Spencer’s flavored chapstick, “But it could use some work.”

He was at a loss for words, mouth gaping open as his eyes darted around the room and all over you. Maybe he’d find an explanation for what just happened carved into the walls somewhere or written across your forehead.

What happened was that you kissed him. And he was a little bit bad. Simple as that.

“I-I wasn’t ready!” he stammered, chucking up his hands defensively. He’d process the fact that he’d just made out with his best friend at a later time, right now the bigger concern was the slight cringed look on your face. He sulked and folded his arms.“What was so bad about it?”

“Well,” you scratched the back of your ear, trying to gauge if he’d react well to getting some advice, “my first tip would be to relax your lips.”

“Okay, I can do that.”

“And don’t think too hard. You should react to what’s happening in the moment, not worrying about what your next move is gonna be.” You could see the gears turning in his head as he tried to envision what that would play out like in a real situation. “You wanna try again?” you offered, figuring he’d learn much faster if he was more hands-on about it.

He nodded, and you leaned in close, waiting for him to go for it. His heart quickened under the pressure of performance, eyes screwing shut as he closed the gap. His mouth smashed into yours as he dove in hard. It was toeing on the side of too harsh, but you let that one slide in hopes it was just a byproduct of his nerves.

You had to tap his knee to remind him to relax, and he loosened some of the tension he had in his lips. He slotted his between yours, allowing them to be pliable to your movements and remembering to react, not plan.

He moved his mouth leisurely against yours, trying to match your pressure and pacing. They actually started moving in time with yours at some point. The kiss took on a shape of its own as he started getting out of his head, letting himself enjoy the kiss for what it was in that exact moment.

It was already better than before. Leaps and bounds better. But then he tried to deepen it, building on its intensity but adding more… something into it. You couldn’t even tell what it was he was trying to do.

“Okay, second tip…” you inhaled sharply, pushing him off of you with a palm against his chest. Whatever it was, it needed to stop. “You kinda do this thing like… where you’re blowing air into my mouth?” You scrunched your nose, punctuating your dislike. “That feels weird. Don’t do that. If anything, do the opposite.”

“I’m supposed to suck the air out of your mouth?” His face contorted, voice already slightly exasperated. He barely understood what the air thing was that you claimed he did. He didn’t realize in the process of trying to add pressure to the kiss, he was just forcibly blowing against your mouth.

“Not literally, no.” You laughed a little, rubbing your palm in a comforting pattern on his chest.”But you can use your lips to suck on mine, or my tongue… just nothing involving the exchange of breath. We’re not in CPR training.”

He eased up a little with your joke, adjusting to your advice he gave it another try. After a few moments, he latched onto your bottom lip with his own, sucking it softly into his mouth. “Yeah, like that,” you mumbled against him, voice pitching high in encouragement. He sucked on it with a little more greed, holding it for a second, then eased up, varying the pressure of his movements just like you did before.

You made a mental note to praise him for that at a later time, deciding to instead part your lips to see if he’d venture into further experimentation.

He caught on quickly. He parted them further, prodding his tongue against them as you opened to allow him entry. Just as you started to really enjoy it, he ran his tongue over the inside of your mouth, moving it fast and roughly like he was a washing machine.

“Stop,” you grimaced, tearing away quickly. You had to swipe your hand over your mouth to get rid of the excess saliva that really shouldn’t have been an issue in the first place, given how brief the frenching was. “Your tongue is way too aggressive.”

Overwhelmed, he tilted his head to the ceiling and let out a frustrated grunt, slapping his hands down to the top of his thighs.

There were too many factors to worry about. He had no idea how you looked at him with a straight face and told him not to think too much when there were a million things he needed to remember all at once; he needed to vary his moves to keep it interesting, but make sure he’s not ruining the flow by changing things up too much, and to be gentle but not timid.

All of this was second nature to you, but it was brand new to Spencer. Could you really blame him for not getting the hang of it right away? You decided to stop your list of critiques short for this round to spare him. He’d get there eventually, but not if he felt discouraged too soon.

“I don’t see why people like it in the first place,” he huffed, his head returning to it’s normal posture. In Spencer’s eyes, there truly wasn’t any appeal to kissing with tongue; it looked sloppy and unnecessary, and as you’d just confirmed, it actually was.

You thought about his statement for a second. There’s a certain allure to it, and you didn’t know how to describe it to him. So instead you cupped his cheeks in both your palms and slid your mouth over his again. As his jaw slacked its tension, you slowly pushed your tongue past his lips and gently pressed it against his own before swirling them together.

You sighed softly into his mouth, running your fingers through his hair and tugging carefully at the ends. He made a small noise against you, something like a whimper, and you swallowed the vibrations of it. As you retreated, you captured his bottom lip between your teeth and gave it a light, teasing tug. You soothed it again with your lips before releasing it, a proud giggle forming in your chest as Spencer chased after your lips as you broke apart.

“That’s why.” You smirked at the dazed look on his face. His eyelids remained closed longer than necessary, still feeling the ghost of your mouth on his and a tingle where your fingers were in his hair.

“Oh.” His voice came out meek as he slowly came back to reality, brows wrinkling up his forehead as he opened his eyes.

He put both his palms down on the mattress, one laying flat on either side of you, and dove forward to resume the kiss right where you left it. A surprised squeak left you as his mouth collided with yours with an insatiable hunger. You brought one hand back to his hair, and he was a goner.

He unfolded his legs from under himself and shuffled onto his knees, following his hands until he practically crawled into your lap. Each of his legs hooked onto either side of your thighs as he hovered over your lap, leaning his body entirely into yours.

The physics of it didn’t hold up; he’s taller than you are, and his chest was too heavy for you to carry. The balance was off center and it sent you tumbling back onto the mattress, bringing him down with you until his chest laid on yours.

It was the perfect force – the weight of him on top of you. He tasted like peach candy and sour sugar, and you found yourself craving more of it.

You shuffled higher up the mattress, giving him space to stretch out his body as he followed yours. One of his hands found your waist, gripping tightly, while he placed the other on the mattress beside your head, using it to steady himself. Sliding your legs out from under him, you wrapped them on the outside of his hips, using them to pull him closer down to you.

It only broke off in moments when both of you absolutely needed to get air, gasping as you pulled apart for brief reprieve before colliding again. He followed every word of your advice, getting better with each passing second until he exceeded expectations by leaps and bounds.

Your fingers weaved through his hair, passionately tugging the wavy strands to angle him against you and igniting his nerves under your touch. A soft moan leaves him and you’re encouraged to tighten your grip on them. His hips bucked reactively at the sensation, and he quickly pulled back, a slight embarrassment creeping up his cheeks. He got too carried away.

You took in his flushed face and swollen, kiss-bruised lips. They’d turned a shade of red brighter than you’ve ever seen them, and it was all you could do not to dive for them again as his tongue sweeped over them, soothing the burning heat you’d left on them.

Before he could apologize for his eagerness, you nudged your nose against his, your smile skimming against his lips. “So what else don’t you know how to do?”

☆

☆

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[streets-in-paradise]

Andy Barclay x (Fem) Friend!Reader Smut Headcanons

Warnings: Angry Andy in batshit crazy Cult of Chucky style. Dirty talk, a bit of circumstantial exibhitionism, humiliation. 

Notes: This is the very first smut thing i’m ever posting, so I’m very sorry if it sucks. I wrote this last night in a hurry, originally intended to be shared only with @losersclubisms​ because we are both whoring hard for Andy Barclay. She convinced me of sharing it with the public so here it is. 

- You are a friend of Andy that knows everything and kinda helps him around so he wouldn't lose his mind ( more than usual) in the pre-Cult times when he had the head of Chucky. 

- The thing is that you have the hots for your friend but he hasn't realized it. Chucky of course does and uses that to drive you insane at any given chance he has. 

- There is this time where Andy has a date and you offer to look after his place just because you don't trust Chucky alone even if he is only a head. 

- the son of a bitch of course uses that opportunity to eat your brain like a maggot just because he is bored.You hear him for a couple of hours going in circles around the concept of how, if he would be into you, Andy wouldn't be looking for other women to date. 

- Just when you feel about to lose your mind, your friend returns home. Earlier than what you expected, the date was a total disaster. Another hit and miss, Andy is angry and frustrated. 

- You try to comfort him the traditional way: sweet words, trying to reach him for a hug, etc. Nothing matters to him. 

- Andy wants to follow his new post failed date tradition: torture the head of Chucky. It's something that you know he does, but never saw him doing it yourself. 

- His anger, all that romantical and ... sexual frustration. Andy didn't even change his clothes for it, he is still wearing the suit he put on for the date when he is about to pick the torture tools. 

- It does things to you, Andy's anger turns you on. He looks so hot in that suit and his aggressive attitude awakens something primal. 

- You wished he would be taking it on you, fucking you raw instead of seeking to torture that creepy head. 

- Then, it hits you. Your friend NEEDS the release and you are right there, already getting wet for him while he has no idea. 

- Andy is too focused on his shitshow to notice that you are approaching from behind. It wouldn't be the first time you pop up randomly to hug him, using the height difference in your favor to peek on whatever he would be doing. 

- But you don't do it like that. You are pushing your body tightly against his back trying to make him feel you, to make him notice that you are offering yourself to be his release plaything for the night. 

- He still wouldn't catch the message, so your hands sneak a bit south and you began to toy with his belt. Andy freezes, that was totally unexpected and he genuinely has no idea of what's wrong with you. 

- He is actually so into you, but this shy dork wouldn't make a first move because he would never think you could feel the same. Since you are friends and he is scared to death about losing one of the very genuine bonds he has, at that point he is just dating in hopes of finding someone that could make him stop his obsession with you.

- He felt you teasing his crotch and he seriously wondered if it was just one of his masturbatory fantasies. This touch starved man dreams awake with you, it wouldn't surprise him to find out he was just daydreaming. 

- " Andy, please. Stop that. " You purr in needy whispers close to his ear. " It doesn't help you like I can. If you let me, I will make you feel so good." 

- The weapon falls from his hand, that's the level of pure shock he has and you are so desperate for him that you didn't even care that the little redhead asshole is actually there, watching you become a whore for Andy. 

- The validation aspect turns him on more than what he would like to admit. Chucky always talks bullshit to him about his lack of success with women. You, the woman he is desperate for, are throwing yourself at him and it is all happening in front of Chucky. It's the biggest ' See that? Fuck you, asshole!' ever. 

- He really needs to boost his ego a bit. 

-” Why don't you tell Chucky how much you want me? " 

" Just lock him and take me. Don't do this to me." 

" I want him to hear it from your lips. If not, he will twist it and say I am lying because I just want to be self deceived into thinking that you could want to be with me. " 

- He is such a weirdo and if you wouldn't be so desperate, you could have considered keeping your dignity. But your core is aching and you are not thinking. 

- At that point, he could have asked anything from you and you would have done it. 

- " FUCK! " You protested before acceding to his demand. " Andy is so freaking hot when you get him angry, Chucky. I want him so badly. I want him to use in me all that rage and frustration he releases on you. It's not fair, I want to play. Why can't I be his toy? I really really need to be his fucktoy tonight. " 

- It's humiliating and you know it, but seeing how it gets Andy matters more to you than your honor. 

- " What a dirty fucking slut." Chucky mocks you. " Are you sure that's the hill you want to die on? There is plenty of dick out there for a needy bitch like you. " 

" But she wants MY dick. " Andy quickly replies, anger making him lose it. 

- He sneaks a hand underneath your underwear to check on how wet you are. You are soaked, he barely touched you yet your state is so pathetic that you released a high pitched little moan. 

- Andy is hard and his mouth is watering. He is as desperate as you, but he really needs to play. 

- He takes the fingers away and you are about to cry of frustration, until you realize the reason. 

- " See this? This is all for me." He brags to Chucky, showing off the soaked fingertips like if your arousal was a treasure. " I got her wet, her cunt is dripping for me.... So fucking soaked and warm... She wants ME."

- In conclusion? Andy took the 'toys in foreplay' thing a bit too literally, because the doll head was right there on the table just so he could keep bragging, proving Chucky wrong in all the crap he said about him.

[hockeyboysimagines]

Say it to me softly

Deleted Scenes

By popular demand! Here it is. I had an overwhelming amount of material for Nolan, which is why most of this got left out. If you haven’t read Say it to me softly, Guess I always knew, and I am falling, say my name please do so before you read this.

As always reasons for exclusion are in Pink.

Enjoy🤍🤍🤍

I had this written as kind of a heart to heart between her and a Travis but it really didn’t fit anywhere with the bulk of the first chapters. So I left it out.

“You know….” Travis said eyeing Sawyer over his menu “You make Pat nervous.”

“Huh?”

He rolled his eyes more dramatically than necessary and made a face at her “Stop. Just stop.”

“Trav we’re friends I-“

“Admitting it is the first step to a 12 step program. It’s just us now. Tell me the truth.”

“What truth?”

“Oh you guys.” He said with a wave of his hand “If we can all see how you feel about each other I’m not really sure why you guys yourselves can’t. It’s silly.”

“Nolan is my friend Trav.”

“Nolan is your soulmate you mean.”

“I never knew you were so sentimental.”

“I’m sentimental as fuck.”

Sawyer rolled her eyes and waved him off “Nolan is my best friend Trav. And besides he has never, not once shown any interest in me.”

“Or maybe he has and you just never noticed.”

Sawyer was quiet for a moment before she spoke “You know, in highschool there was a lot of speculation about us, but neither of us ever crossed the line. As far as dating went, I didn’t and Nolan kept that part of his life away from me really. I don’t think he feels that way about me.”

“Pat loves you.”

“He does, but loving someone and being in love with someone are two different things Trav.”

“Okay, your right, but can’t someone feel both of those?”

She opened her mouth and then closed it. He was right, and if she wasn’t so deadest that Nolan was her best friend and nothing more she might have entertained the idea. But knowing that he’d been there for most of her life and never alluded to any sort of romantics feelings countered that.

“I’m just saying. Don’t be so sure of Pat’s feelings unless it comes from Pat himself.”

***********

Again this just didn’t fit anywhere. And it felt repetitive at that point because we all knew knew this information already.

Sawyer spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about what Travis had said.

She’d thought about it on the drive home, and while she cleaned, and folded laundry and now as she was getting ready for bed.

She’d gone over every aspect of her life with Nolan, wondering if she’d missed the signs or maybe misinterpreted them. The more she thought about things, the more she strayed question if Travis was on to something that she wasn’t.

She thought about high school, and how Nolan would blow off the guys on the team to hang with her, how he always wanted her at his games and how he was always quick to offer to drive her home or stay over. She’d always thought it was just a best friend things to do, but now she was wondering if it was more than that.

The idea that Nolan had been sending her signs for years hurt a little. Was she dumb? In denial? Afraid?

Definitely afraid. She’d lost a huge part of her life with the death of her sister, and the thought of losing Nolan had terrified her. That was the only reason she could come up with for why things stayed platonic.

But there was something else.

A memory that was there, but fuzzy. She couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was, but it was there floating around, like a foggy window she couldn’t see through. But it gave her the strangest feeling, like a large piece of this puzzle that was Nolan was missing.

She laid in bed and closed her eyes.

She’d begun to feel, feelings for Nolan that she shouldn’t have. This was the exact thing she was most afraid of, that she would catch feelings that weren’t reciprocated. The only thing she could do was bury them.

And that’s what she would do.

*********

I genuinely forgot I wrote this part, and it makes me sad because I wish I had included it. Sometimes, because I have so much written I forget that I have certain parts. I was extremely unorganized, which I am working on so I have bits and pieces of writing everywhere.

“Hey Nolan, can I ask you something?”

Nolan was at Travis’s, who was in the shower, leaving him sitting in a comfortable silence with Nash.

“I guess.”

“You have feelings for Sawyer.”

Nolan swallowed thickly “That wasn’t a question.”

“Okay. Do you have feelings for Sawyer?”

“No.”

“Liar.”

Nolan glanced at her sideways to find her leaned forward into his space, eyes squinted. He leaned backwards, getting as far away from her as he could, two spots of pink appearing in his cheeks.

“So when are you gonna tell her?”

“Tell her what?” He asked, moving even further away from her. He took several deep breaths in an attempt to settle the blush on his face. Libby Sawyer and Joel would be arriving any minute, and then the other guys from the team for a get together.

“Oh please. I’ve known you long enough to know that she isn’t just your best friend. Travis might be dumb. But I’m not.”

He could hear the ruckus of people coming down the hall and swatted Nash away “Look can we just drop this.”

“For now.”

Sawyer herself came in the door behind Joel and Nolan looked at Nash.

“Your not gonna say anything to her are you?”

Nash swiveled her eyes back and forth and cracked an evil grin “Only if it comes up.” She bounced off the sofa as Nolan made to grab her.

“Nash!” He whispered harshly.

He followed her around the corner and came face to face with Sawyer, who looked up and smiled.

“Oh. Hey.” Nolan said giving her a small smile. He rubbed the back of his neck.

It was going to be a long afternoon.

***********

This is from Guess I always knew, but for whatever reason Tumblr limited me on how much I was allowed to post. So I had to take a lot out because I didn’t really wanna make it two parts ya know?

“Are you going to prom?” Sawyer asked as they did homework.

“No.”

“Why?”

He glanced up “Prom? Do I look like a guy who wants to go to prom? Why?”

“I don’t know…I mean it might be fun.”

“I’m not a big dance guy, you can go but I’m not.”

She shrugged and looked back at her homework frowning a little “Nah. I’ll just do something else I guess.”

Nolan rolled his eyes and tipped his head back, holding his hands up “Fuck. Alright fine. I’ll go.”

She smiled broadly at him and went back to her homework.

“But if my mom makes me cut my hair, it’s all your fault.”

“I think I can live with that.”

***********

Again this had to be taken out because tumblr wouldn’t let me post.

“Wait so you guys are going to prom together…but not together?” Chase phrased the last part as a question and turned to look at him.

“Yes.”

“That doesn’t make sense…but do you bro.”

“I mean I guess we aren’t…are we?”

“Sounds like you are.”

“But we just are going as friends I think.”

“Here we with the friend act again.” Bo mumbled.

“Don’t start.” Nolan said pointing menacingly at him.

“Well I hope you have fun with your non-date prom date thing. Whatever that means.”

************

Please see reason above, though I considered putting this in, instead of the scene where they go to Sawyer’s and she’s in a bikini.

“So what’s up with that girl your always hanging around with?”

Chad, the new guy, seemed nice enough. He was friendly, and fit pretty much seamlessly into the team. He didn’t seem like the kind of guy to come in and stir up trouble, so his question caught Nolan off guard.

“What?”

“That girl. The hot one.”

The air in the locker room seemed to freeze as every head turned towards Nolan. He felt his cheeks heat up, and a scowl settle on his face. Chad turned around to look at the rest of the group and frowned.

“Is she your girlfriend or something?”

“She’s my best friend, and she’s off limits.”

“So she’s not your girlfriend?”

“No but I-“

“So I can ask her out?”

Chase was wide eyed, a nervous smile spread across his face as he looked between them.

“I-“ Nolan sputtered for a minute, scowl deepening. He barely knew the guy, but he wanted to punch him square in the face more than anything g at that moment “She’ll never say yes.”

“I can be pretty convincing.” Chad winked and turned back to his stall.

Nolan’s face felt like it was on fire, and he knew it was red. Heat was creeping down his neck and he was so irrationally angry he felt like he was going to explode. Chase bumped his shoulder and spoke lowly.

“Relax buddy. You know she’s not gonna say yes.”

“That’s not-“

“I know it’s not the point but think about it this way. He’ll ask, she’ll say no and then we can make fun of him forever for being a loser. This is a win win for everyone.”

Which is why Nolan found himself at her house hours later.

“Are you okay?” She asked as he walked past her and stood in the middle of her bedroom, hands in his pockets.

“Did the new guy ask you out today?”

She shook her head “No? Should I know what your talking about?”

“The new guy on my team. He said he was going to ask you out. Did he?”

“No he didn’t.”

“And when he does. Are you gonna say yes?”

“Do you want me to say no?”

“You would do that…just because I asked you…to?”

“If you really felt uncomfortable with it I would.”

“Why?”

“Because I care about you and your opinion, and if you don’t want me to go out with someone then I won’t.”

He was dumbfounded, and then sad. How many times had he held her back? How many times had he stopped her from moving forward because he didn’t want to see her date anyone? He couldn’t do it her whole life.

“You-you can if you want to, I have to go.” He brushed past her and left her house.

And the next day, when Chad came into practice with a sour look on his face and mumbled “She said no.” Nolan, though he still felt bad, couldn’t stop the smile from coming to his face.

************

Gala Night part 1. There was already a lot happening in those chapters that was more important then this exchange I felt.

“Are you sure I look alright?” Sawyer asked from the passenger seat. She looked uncomfortable and was looking at Nolan for approval.

“Would I lie to you?”

“Well that depends.”

“On what?”

“On if you thought the truth was going to hurt my feelings or not.”

He half turned and pursed his lips “Okay that’s true. But I’m not lying about this. You look amazing.” He said softly.

Sawyer smiled and looked out the window.

“Thanks for bringing me along.”

“Who else would I bring?”

“I figured you’d ask Travis or something.”

Nolan rolled his eyes but chuckled “He wishes. As tempting as that would be, he probably wouldn’t go with anyone except Nash.”

“What’s going on with them anyway?”

Nolan glanced at her, and when he didn’t say anything she continued “Come on. It’s obvious he has feelings for her. I haven’t even been here that long and I noticed.”

“Tell me something I don’t know. I think he’s just afraid maybe she doesn’t feel the same. And-“ Nolan chose his words carefully “And he doesn’t want to mess up a close friendship you know?”

“Hmmm. Maybe. But will he ever know if she feels the same if he doesn’t ask?”

“I guess you’re right. But maybe he’s too scared to risk things if she doesn’t.”

Sawyer didn’t say anything else for the remainder of the ride, and seemed preoccupied till he parked the car.

“Ready?” He asked shutting the engine off, and turning to her.

“What? Oh yeah. Ready.”

There was no confirmation between that and this sort, but I’ll add it for you guys to read.

“Woooooow.” Carter said walking around Sawyer in a slow circle “You look hot.”

She rolled her eyes but smiled “Really?”

“Yes. I’m surprised you guys even made it here.”

“Carter!” She scolded him, swatting his arm.

“Don’t ‘Carter’ me. You guys are sooo gonna bang.”

Sawyer felt her face get red and grabbed a glass of champagne off the tray of a passing waiter, and slugged it in one gulp.

“Gosh it’s hot in here.”

************

I don’t really know why this wasn’t included. I just didn’t put it in lol.

Sawyer was laying in bed thinking about the events of the evening. Travis was sleeping on her sofa in the next room, and Nolan was sleep next to her in bed. The only thing she could hear was his breathing and him moving occasionally.

She felt him jolt next to her and turn over in his sleep, and one large arm came to rest around her. She froze as she felt Nolan move closer to her, warm breath against her neck.

It would be so easy for her to roll over, face him and kiss him, but she was glued to the bed and felt like she couldn’t move or breathe. His hand was near her hip, fingers just barely brushing the sliver of skin where her shirt had ridden up.

Her feelings for Nolan were too large to ignore now, and she wondered if this was how Travis felt. He moved his hand eventually a while later, and she drifted off into a very uneasy sleep.

***********

Again, this just didn’t fit. I liked this part though. Wish I’d included it somehow.

“Can I ask you a question?”

Sawyer turned to him from where she was sitting and painting her toenails “Depends on what it’s about.”

“Why didn’t we date in high school?”

She frowned “Because this wasn’t a thing then remember?”

“Oh wasn’t it?” He smiled a little and set his phone down “I mean I would’ve date you in a second.”

“So what stopped you?”

“I didn’t think you would’ve said yes. Things were complicated back then.”

“I would have.”

“You-what?”

She laughed and shook her head “Nolan. Wasn’t it obvious?”

“Not to me. I had no idea.”

“When you left to come here, it was the worst day of my life. And that night I went home and I cried myself to sleep, and I felt like you…I felt like you died or something. And I decided that I would bury my feelings because you would probably meet someone here and if I feel that way about you, it would crush me to see you with someone else.”

“That wouldn’t have happened anyways. I thought about you pretty much every single day I was here. And I talked about you all the time, so much in fact that Travis thought you were my imaginary friend.” He laughed “But I know what you mean. I felt that way too. Like the day I left Winnipeg you’d find someone.”

“Boys never bothered with me. You know that.”

“Yeah because I was there. But I was gone and I’m not going to lie I was really relieved when I came home and you were still single. I was gonna make a move that summer but….”

“But what?”

“I just couldn’t do it.”

“You dork.”

“I remember it so well.”

Nolan was sitting on a chair watching Sawyer talk with Jessie. They’d spent the day at the lake with their friends, and it was dark now, a large bonfire burned brightly against the black of the beach. She looked so good, her hair was hanging loose and she had sunburn across her shoulders but he couldn’t remember a time she looked better.

“Hey creepy take her picture it’ll last longer.” Chase said from his other side. Nolan didn’t look away though. Chase knew how he felt and he wasn’t embarrassed.

“Just tell her dude. For crying out loud she probably already knows.”

“Just tell her.” Nolan scoffed.

“Why not? She doesn’t have a boyfriend. I don’t even think she knows what boys are besides you.”

“She hasn’t dated anyone?”

“No man. If she’s not hanging out with Jessie she’s hanging out with me, and we spend 90% of the time talking about you.”

“Really?”

“Yes really. So you expect me to believe that she doesn’t feel the same way. I never said I was smart but I’m not dumb either. So tell me the truth. Did something happen between you guys before you left?”

Nolan wanted to tell him about the kiss. Both of them. But when he opened his mouth to speak nothing came out.

“I fucking KNEW it.”

Nolan rolled his eyes “There’s nothing to know. It was one kiss that’s it.”

“And you didn’t tell me? When?”

“The night before I left but it wasn’t a big thing-“

“Dude that’s a huge thing. I can’t believe you kissed her and I’m just finding out now. That’s the only time?”

Nolan looked at his hands “Yes….”

“It happened more than once?!?!”

“Shhhh!” Nolan said kicking at the leg of his chair “Yeah fine it happened more than once. Twice-well three times almost but I-“

“And that wasn’t a clue that she likes you? Not even a little one?”

“I guess. But she’s still my best friend and I don’t want to complicate things between us.

“Hate to break it to you buddy, but it’s already complicated.”

************

This was after the big fist fight. I forgot I wrote this and when I went to add it later I kind of felt like I didn’t need it, but now I wish I had put it in.

“Are you still mad?” Travis asked as she set down her stuff. He was standing awkwardly in her doorway unsure if he was welcome inside. Nash frowned.

“Yeah I am. But I’m not mad for me, I’m mad for Sawyer.”

“And you have-“

“I’m talking.” She said holding a hand up to silence him “You know I went through some real shit Travis. I was fucking cheated on, given an std and had my life pulled apart. I was replaced by girls just like that one. Do you have any idea how Sawyer feels right now? To know that while she was at home not dating because of Nolan, he was out here hooking up with girls?”

“But he didn’t know Nash. It’s not like he knew how she felt and did it anyway.”

“It doesn’t matter Travis. Sawyer didn’t date because of Nolan. Ask him yourself. He had every opportunity to move past being friends with her and chose not to. He was allowed to have girlfriends and hookups but gave her a hard time every time she got any male attention? How is that right?”

“Okay. Your right. It’s not right and he shouldn’t have done that. But that night with Sarah….” He trailed off and sat down heavily at the table “He was so messed up that night.”

“You were there?”

Travis nodded and tan a hand across the table “Yeah. It was one of the first times I’d really heard about Sawyer. He just really missed her and he was going through it and Sarah just happened to be there at the wrong time. He felt horrible Nash, and he made me promise not to tell anyone. I kind of just forgot about it.”

“How many others are there?”

“I don’t know honestly. Really I don’t. But that’s not my business.”

“Maybe not. But Sawyer is my friend, and she’s hurting.”

“Pat will fix it. He’s good at all that words and feeling shit. But are we okay?” He gestured between them.

“Yeah…We’re okay.”

He smiled widely and pushed the cheesecake at her “Good. Now crack that thing open.”

**************

Again after the fist fight. I think this was supposed to go in Chapter 8-9, but I took it out.

“So how are things?” Nash asked Nolan from her spot of the recliner.

“Okay I guess. Not as good as before, but it’ll get there.”

“Well that’s to be expected Nolan and I think you know that.”

“I do. It was my fault I just. I don’t know why I did it.” He looked at his legs and sighed.

“Do you think maybe you did it to try and get over her? Maybe subconsciously you thought it you had sex with some random girl it could get her off your mind?”

“Maybe. I never dreamed we’d be here though. Like her and i together. I mean I dreamed about it but I never thought it would happen.”

“Why though? I mean we all say it from day 1. Why couldn’t you?”

“Because I just didn’t think she saw me that way.”

“That’s silly and also a lie so try again.”

“Because-because-“

“Because you were afraid to face your true feelings because your a guy, so you friend zoned yourself, there fixed that for you.”

He scowled at her “No.”

“Yes. Please I live with Travis Konecny. Don’t try and tell me about the friend zone. He was stuck there so long he started receiving mail.”

**************

This would have been in Chapter 10, but tumblr was glitching and said the post was too long. So it had to go.

“Can I talk to you?” Nolan asked, beckoning Sawyer to sit next to him on the sofa.

She sat and frowned when he turned slowly to her “Is something wrong?”

“I just-I wanna make sure you still want this. Like us.”

“What? Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me Sawyer. With my head, my career, my life basically. And if you wanna get out now then I wouldn’t blame you.”

She leaned away from him and scoffed “Are you kidding me? You really think that after all this time, this is gonna be the thing that sends me running?”

“I don’t think that at all, but I’m giving you the chance the get out if you want.”

“Well I don’t want, and I’m not going anywhere. This is all gonna be fine. We’re gonna figure out a cure and you’ll be back in no time. We’ve been through way too much together to throw it in now.”

“I just don’t wanna drag you down.”

“Drag me-? Nolan. Look at me.” She held one of his hands and leaned down to look him in the eyes “I love you. I’ve always loved you, and that’s not going to change anytime soon. Especially not now, when you need me the most. If you recover and score 100 points a year for the rest of your career then I’ll love that. If you never play another game again, I’ll love that too. Because I love you. Not this sport, or the status or any of that. I loved you before you had this and I’ll love you long after.”

“And it doesn’t scare you? That I may never play again?”

“Of course. But if that happens then we’ll figure it out. Together.”

He sighed and leaned forward head coming to rest on her shoulder “Thank you. For everything.”

“Don’t thank me. That’s what Love is all about.”

I hope you enjoyed this, leave me some feedback besties🤍🤍🤍🤍

[captnjacksparrow]

I wish people would stop caring about the canon pairings and marriages in Naruto/Boruto because they should have absolutely no relevance for SNS shippers in terms of validating said ship. Those who say we are delusional because “Well, Naruto married Hinata so she is THE one he loves!” (I'll focus more on Naruto's marriage here... Is Sasuke's even a marriage?) simply don’t get that it just doesn't really matter who Naruto and Sasuke married because that in no way diminishes their feelings for each other. The main plot of the series revolves around the bond between Naruto and Sasuke. It is their story. They are each other's most important people and this was established back in Land of Waves arc even before the dramatic events that take place on the bridge - the whole point of that very first arc was making this a fact right from the beginning, because the story has always been and was always supposed to be about the two of them and the profound love and understanding that grows between them ever since they exchanged glances, smiles and pouts as lonely little broken kids. No reason to list all proof of their feelings and bond here, it has been done extensively, and if somebody watched the show/read the manga and missed it, they are missing half a brain. That these boys love each other more than anyone else is absolutely obvious.

So what about the canon pairings? Kishimoto stated time and time again that his focus was never romance, and that is not because he can't write romance as we know it (he clearly did), but it’s a matter of concept: what HE considers romance is the attraction that unites people with the purpose of marriage (confessing your romantic love for japanese people is the same as saying you want to be in a relationship, because feelings shouldn’t be voiced without an intention), and that, to him, is NOT the greatest expression of love, nor does it represent the most special bond two people can share.

It is understandable that westerners put so much weight into marriage because we consider it the epitome of love. Well, the truth is marriage in Japanese culture is mainly the only socially admissible means to have children and has very little to do with romantic love. In fact, in Japanese literature, it is much more common for unmarried couples to love each other than married ones. Obviously, there is no absolute truth when it comes to feelings and human relationships, what I'm doing here is generalising social norms and expectations (not exposing my opinion on them - that would turn this rant into something else entirely). A large number of Japanese marriages are loveless (and arranged, but no point getting into that either) and what motivates choosing a spouse is their ability to fulfill familial duties, meaning: is the woman good mother and consequently wife material? Is she going to devote her life to taking care of her children, house and husband, the noblest of acts for a female? Is the man willing and capable of putting his occupation above everything else, working extremely hard and for long hours, with total dedication and diligence for his job, to the point of not even seeing his family most of the time, as an honorable man should do as a provider? That's what makes a GOOD married couple: two people following their expected and strict gender-roles in a nuclear child-centered family (again, please, this is not MY opinion!). What a Japanese man should want in a woman is for her to be a dedicated housewife and mother, since having children outside of marriage is not only frowned upon, it is not acceptable at all, and not being married with children is not respectable enough (same with being divorced). Marriage is, therefore, NOT a symbol of undying love and a deep and special connection between two people, rather, it’s a partnership established with the goal of having and raising children.

Do these descriptions ring any bells?

In conclusion: the pairings were, in fact, created for the sole purpose of bringing forth the next generation, and that was made CANONICALLY true. Would it have been better if they hadn’t gone down that "safe" route? Hell, yeah! It would have been fucking amazing and could even have been groundbraking, for several reasons. BUT as unsatisfying as it may be, the fact is they chose a very TRADITIONAL depiction of marriage that has little to do with feelings, and that in itself shouldn’t be taken lightly, since it leaves the strongest bond, which is grounded on genuine love, untouched. In this scenario, justifying romantic love through marriage alone won’t cut it, and trying to discredit the obvious unmatched connection and feelings between two characters because they never got married to each other or married someone else is ludicrous. Yeah, a married couple can love each other deeply and above anyone else, but that is just not what marriage is ABOUT in Japanese culture and definitely not what Kishimoto wanted us to believe was the case here after dedicating 699 chapters to a story about the special bond between two boys that didn’t culminate in marriage. 

You know what IS a symbol of romantic love in Japan? Being willing to die together when the love you feel goes against your moral obligations, holding on to the belief that you will be reunited in the afterlife, where you will be free of any burden and able to love freely.

Are more bells being rung?! 

Oh, some bonus info: We also tend to associate sex with romantic love. Well, Japanese married couples with children rarely have sex, if at all. After a woman becomes a mother, she is no longer considered sexually desirable and becomes a mother figure to her husband as well (what happened to Hinata’s big "attributes" in Boruto? Huh). This is especially true when couples sleep in separate rooms and the mother shares a bed with her children. (Hinata co-sleeps with Himawari and we know Naruto sleeps in a separate room. Just saying.)

What's your say?

Is Sasuke's even a marriage?

Geezz!!!! LoLLLLL!!!! This sentence just made me cackle so hard for a good 5 minutes, Anon!!!!!

Hmmm.... So let's get back to your ask.

Well, I don't know how to react to this ask, Anon. Because, I don't know whether you are from Japan or you have a very close Japanese friend who might've told you all these cultural thing about marriage and relationships.

So, what I am going to do is to analyze from the facts you have provided , combine with my own cultural relevance and provide my answer. If there is any Japanese readers who are reading this, you can confirm or dispel this by sending me an ask. But again, I don't want exceptional case like, 'No, my family is different'. I want to know about the general lifestyle of a common citizen and their married life.

Having said that, this ask made me just yell at myself, 'Goshh!!!! Seriously???'

Because whatever you said, It fucking exist in my country too and is still followed by almost 70% of people in my country and I absolutely detest it. That is,

Most of the marriages here are loveless nd arranged - Check

Is the woman good mother and consequently wife material? Is she going to devote her life to taking care of her children, house and husband, the noblest of acts for a female? - Check

People following their expected and strict gender-roles in a nuclear child-centered family - Check Check

What a man should want in a woman is for her to be a dedicated housewife and mother, since having children outside of marriage is not only frowned upon, it is not acceptable at all, and not being married with children is not respectable enough (same with being divorced). - Check Check

Marriage is, therefore, NOT a symbol of undying love and a deep and special connection between two people, rather, it’s a partnership established with the goal of having and raising children. - Awww!!! A million Check.

That's why I was envious of Western people in this aspect, because they have a freedom to choose their own partner without any time constraints and when they do, their marriage can be said to be 'The Epitome of Love'.

My parents marriage is also an arranged one. And whenever they have disagreement and that leads to verbal war, they let out this words, 'I'm here with you because of my 2 daughters otherwise I would've left you long back'. So... Yeah. Here, most of the marriages are child-centered. Again, it's not just my opinion. Majority of the arranged marriage based family revolve around their child.

And I was born, a year after my parents' marriage, and If I hadn't been born, then people will question my parent's fertility factor and start to discriminate them. So, I can boldly claim that, I was not born out of Love or something. I was born because of social obligations.

But it doesn't mean, my parents don't love each other now. How should I say???? It's like a Stockholm Syndrome??!!!! Like when you stay with a person for a long time, you will eventually start to develop some feelings over the course of the time. It took them 15 years to come to a complete understanding of each other. It's the same case with many couples here.

Considering all these, Sasuke never even stayed with Sakura enough to make her understand him, So I wonder what kind of couple are they????? Weird!!!!!

In conclusion: the pairings were, in fact, created for the sole purpose of bringing forth the next generation, and that was made CANONICALLY true.

Awww!!!! Man, Seriously???? I made this claim long back in this post where I said, these women were used as a tool to bring out Next Generation Kids. My claim was based on Analytical Perspective.

And then one of the rabid SS stan reblogged my post and pulled out a hetero card stating, 'They are married and blah blahh...' when in reality, I never discussed about their sexuality in that post. That post was purely based on the number of pages each hetero couples shared with each other against the number of pages Sasuke & Naruto shared together.

Now, you have provided a cultural perspective for those shitty canon pairings.

On one side, I feel the need to smirk, because I am right.

But on the other side, I feel bad like, 'Is this how, this show must go on?? What are you trying to convey from this?'.

You know what IS a symbol of romantic love in Japan? Being willing to die together when the love you feel goes against your moral obligations, holding on to the belief that you will be reunited in the afterlife, where you will be free of any burden and able to love freely.

Hmmm.... It's interesting to know this. Anon.

This is where it differs slightly in my country.

Romantic love here is,

No matter what happens, I'll stand with you, You are just not alone. I will leave my fucking clan, parents, relatives if they don't approve you and we will start a new life somewhere.

[[Here, marriages happen mostly between their clan members. If you love a person from another clan, you will be ostracized or tortured or honour killed by your very parents. It just differs from clan to clan. I was subjected to this same problem and that's why I hate my Clan and left my parents. And this is also one of the reason why I love Itachi. Because we share similar Ideals. That is, Not to be obsessed over your clan and think beyond this restriction.

Also, here in Asian Culture if someone is willing to leave their family (when they don’t approve you) and prefer you over everything.... It means.... that's some Love beyond Comprehension. Just like how Naruto was willing to leave his Family (like Sakura and Kakashi) and like to stand with Sasuke... Just like how Naruto was willing to leave his own family and go on a long mission with Sasuke]]

So does it remind you of anything?????

It's the whole SNS dynamics starting from their childhood to VoTE2. That's why I started to ship SNS, because it represents the true love we always wish for.

Would it have been better if they hadn’t gone down that "safe" route? Hell, yeah! It would have been fucking amazing and could even have been groundbraking, for several reasons. BUT as unsatisfying as it may be, the fact is they chose a very TRADITIONAL depiction of marriage that has little to do with feelings, and that in itself shouldn’t be taken lightly, since it leaves the strongest bond, which is grounded on genuine love, untouched. In this scenario, justifying romantic love through marriage alone won’t cut it

This is very true, Anon.

I mean, they don’t even have to take a groundbreaking route. 

They should have given everyone an open ending, just like Kishi left at chapter 699. What is the need of a marriage, if Naruto is going to adopt Kawaki??? If Orochimaru was going to create a Baby Artificially?? If Rock Lee is going to have a child out of nowhere???

But I am happy that SNS bond is the only one that wasn’t diminished in this hot mess called Burrito. So, atleast we should be happy about that.

When someone pulls the marriage card, I just block them immediately because they are not even worth having a good conversation. NH will pull out the Last movie and SS will pull out, ‘Sasuke called Sakura ‘My Wife’.... So, it’s just pointless.

So, to conclude

Considering my Analytical perspective, I already made earlier in other post and your ask which provides some insight about Japanese culture which eerily resembles the culture I belong to, It all makes sense that this whole pairings and trash is just for the sake of bringing out Next Generation series and those boys never loved those girls whole heartedly. And I agree with you on this.

[spookyfbi]

what did cody said about klave?

Omg Anon okay so, twitter user umbrellaacademy invited Cody to do a twitter space with them which they did yesterday (8PM Friday EST) and Cody stayed for OVER TWO AND A HALF HOURS answering fan questions and saying SO MANY things about Dave and Klave and I am still so overwhelmed. I have recorded it and I’ve sent the video to the host and they’ve said they’ll release it soon (although the file is massive so I suspect they’ll have a bit of trouble wrangling it like I did so it might take longer). In the meantime, some highlights under the cut:

- Dave’s favourite thing about Klaus is his openness. He’s charismatic because he’s unafraid to be himself. Cody also finds it endearing that Klaus marches to the beat of his own drum.

- He likes the idea that the briefcase brought Klaus to Dave because of fate/destiny. Dave is the missing piece of Klaus, he fills a void in Klaus. He’s as interested as we are to find out if the timeline loops back in season 3

- Dave is soft spoken. There are qualities of Dave that have grounded and soothed Klaus but also Klaus has pulled Dave out of his shell. Klaus’ openness was like an invitation to Dave to open up and be goofy and strange, and this was a vibe Cody got from Robert as well in the bar scene, but then the dynamic shifted later and he felt that Dave was the one who was opening up first.

- Dave would go with Klaus to be with his family. He would want Klaus to take the reigns and would trust Klaus re- what kind of life they could have together post Vietnam. Although there would be no hesitation from Dave about his love for Klaus, there might be hesitation about planning a life together because of the time period they were in. There’s a sense of peace and wanting to settle from Klaus. Cody just basically being solidly on the Klaus bringing Dave back to 2019 to meet his family train.

-  There is a sensitivity and self awareness to Dave, Cody thinks he accepted his sexuality but just was careful about advertising it because of the time period. He also says that his Dave in season 1 didn’t have the experience we saw in season 2 with his uncle and that might have made him more open (I am staring directly at my reverse George McFly theory).

- Dave’s love for Klaus is unconditional, he loves him for exactly who he is. Dave’s unconditional love is a foil for the conditional love Klaus gets from his family. Klaus doesn’t really know what love is and then he gets fired this laser beam of love from Dave.

- Cody that been in a play where his character was in a relationship with a guy but he thinks Rob hadn’t done that before. The director set the tone that the kiss scene was an intimate and tender scene. He feels like there was a reassurance from Dave to Klaus in that moment.

- Dave was holding 4 shot glasses in the scene where he’s holding them with both hands. 

- Cody describing Dave in 4 words - kind, sensitive, empathetic, soft. Dave would describe Klaus as free spirited, open, unfiltered, unexpected (he also put forward chaotic but didn’t stick with it and replaced it with unexpected).

- Dave’s first thought when he woke up and saw Klaus was “Is this a dream... We’re not sleeping much so this could be a dream, I wouldn’t put it past my brain” Also “The dream coming to reality but maybe not necessarily looking like what he thought.”

- He thinks Klaus probably took the dogtags off Dave after he died as a way to remember him rather than them exchanging them

- He wants Klaus and Dave’s storyline to end with love prevailing. He also floats the idea of Dave taking a dark turn and Klaus has to be the redemptive person to bring Dave back.

In preparation for playing Dave he watched the Ken Burns Vietnam War documentary series on Netflix and also looked up online about the Vietnam war. He also listened to music he thought Dave would be into from 1965-1968: He mentions Motown and Stones (Cody said he himself likes Motown)

- Cody’s favourite thing about Dave is the quality of how he loves Klaus. He describes it as pure and unconditional and simple and he talks about he thinks people need to love each other fearlessly - not just romantically but in friendships as well, especially with what’s happening now (and this sort of clarifies to me why he was talking about love over fear so passionately in the clever klaus q&a and what he meant by that)

- Cody is a fantasy nerd

- He would love to see Dave giving Klaus some agency

- He thinks that Klaus has some guilt about Dave’s death

- He would like to play a Commission agent (Commission Dave rights!!)

- Robert is very open and unassuming and funny and it was easy to have an immediate rapport with him. Cody also talked with Tom Hopper (about their mutual friend Bradley James). He also briefly met Colm and Robin and he also remembered he met Aidan (who here had a theory about a deleted scene with Aidan in the attic?)

- He doesn’t know how time works in the afterlife or how Klaus’ power works but Dave would have waited 50 years for Klaus

- Calem joined the space and they said that they hadn't interacted before but they had a bit of a chat. Calem said that his filming in season 2 was 4 days but about 1 month apart. Calem’s internet kept cutting out and then he disappeared.

- If Dave was one of the 43 children his power could be the care bear love blast and he could fire hot beams of love out of the hole in his chest. He would give Dave a more passive power to round out the more active powers the other Hargreeves have, like a healer

- The scene in the tent was filmed at the studio. The scene on the bus was shot outside. The scene in the trench was partly shot outside but some of it was shot in the studio as well (I wonder if he’s confusing that trench scene with the hallucination at the Rave though?)

- He said the scenes were beautifully lit (I beg to differ, Cody!)

- Klaus helped unlock that part of him (I think he means Dave’s sexuality) and he also says that Klaus was a very specific target to Dave’s love. Klaus seems like one in a million. When you love someone there’s something specific about them that pulls that out of you.

- Calem returns! He was in his room where the internet crapped out on him but then he went downstairs. Cody asked what it was like for Calem to come in and play an established character. Calem said he purposely didn’t talk with Cody about the character before playing him because he’d done the audition without knowing anything about the character so he didn’t want to risk doing something too different from what he’d done in the audition, but he did watch season 1. He also said he was a bit anxious about what the audience would think of him playing the character, and Cody went into acting mentor mode and said that he doesn’t think the job is about appeasing the fans but about trying to be as true as possible. He also said that Calem did a good job and he shouldn’t be hard on himself but Calem then said that he quickly got over it and he wasn’t thinking about it on set, just afterwards. Calem mentioned that he creeped Cody’s IMDB and he said that his dad was a camera operator on Lizzie Borden Chronicles this Cody guest starred in an episode of.

- Dave loves music like Cody. He mentioned Four Tops as another band and then Motown again. He thinks the bar scene shows Dave’s love of music but he wasn’t thinking about that at the time.

- Dave would be overstimulated at first if he came to the future because we’re bombarded with a lot more stimulus than in the 60s. The internet and iPhones would blow his mind. He let’s a “we’ll see” slip, which he then quickly corrects to “we would see”

- The kiss in the bar was definitely the first kiss and he thinks it happened a couple months into the tour. He thinks the feelings were mutual quite early, but that it would have taken some time to act on them and to be able to gauge if each other were really giving off the signals that they like each other.

- He’s appreciative of the fan love and he tries to make a connection with everyone he can

- Dave is an optimistic force who thinks that love will prevail so he would have wanted to do something to make it work despite the obstacles they faced

- Cody doesn’t know how close to the vest Klaus kept the stuff about his powers and the time travel etc but he did see Klaus appear so he does know there’s something strange about him. Dave trusted Klaus and even if it wasn’t explicitly talked about there was enough trust to go “wherever you go I’ll follow, wherever that leads.” When Klaus conjures Dave, Dave is excited to see him but isn’t really surprised or put off by any of the circumstances that Klaus is in.

- He thinks that Dave is more the listener of the relationship, but he could certainly see Dave telling Klaus about Dune and Klaus indulging him.

- Rob is very genuine, very unassuming, very immediately open, very funny, definitely puts you at ease, incredibly thoughtful, very considerate, good dude (wow it’s the complimenting Rob speed run! 8 in a row!)

- The aspect of Dave that Cody connects to most is his non-judgemental quality

- Dave would connect with Vanya’s softness and Luther’s moral compass (he said Diego’s moral compass in the cleverklaus q&a so not sure if he just mixed them up). He thinks Dave might be a bit too sincere for Five and Ben would appreciate being able to unload Klaus on Dave.

- He thinks Dave is not a tattoo guy but Klaus is impulsive so getting a tattoo really aligns with his personality. He thinks that Dave’s actions speak louder than words written on him

- He connects to the fractured family theme of the show on a personal level

- Dave being jewish was something he only learned about through looking at the dogtags, it wasn’t in the script or anything

- Dave might have studied Philosophy if he’d gone to college instead of joining the military, he feels like there’s a dreamer quality to Dave

- Even though Dave was pressured into joining the military, he thinks that Dave believed he was going the right thing by enlisting

- Colm is a Canadian Hall of Fame actor and Reginald is such an intense character so Cody would love to do a scene with him. He would also love to do a scene with Elliot.

- Cody remembered waiting on set to film the scene in the club and he, Rob and Tom were in an 80s hotel with a heart shaped jacuzzi (??? oh was this the set with the Handler and Agnes maybe?)

[jamlavender]

Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss: Mrs Coulter, misogyny and the His Dark Materials TV show

The show went hard on misogyny as a vital part of Mrs Coulter’s backstory, and I want to talk about how they did it, and why, and how it might have been done better. This is quite long (when is anything I write not, let’s be real) so it’s under the cut. Read on for thoughts on women, power and fictional villainy.

As a quick disclaimer, though: I’ve enjoyed the show a lot! I’m so glad they made it! Ruth Wilson is mesmerising as Mrs Coulter! There’s so much to appreciate about the show overall, including many aspects of Mrs Coulter’s portrayal. But the HDM team have also made gender politics and misogyny very explicit themes of the show – particularly season two, particularly season two, episode five – and I think it’s fair to critique that.

Let’s be clear: Mrs Coulter is a villain. She murders kids by tearing out their souls. She kills and tortures friends and foes alike without a second thought. She abuses her daughter. She upholds and advances a totalitarian regime. She’s a Bad Person, as confirmed by God himself with the unforgettable line: “You are a cesspit of moral filth.” She’s fucking terrible, but, in life as in art, many of us are fascinated by how such awful people are made. What drives someone to commit atrocities? I am keen to see such questions examined in fiction, because I don’t think exploring a character necessarily means excusing their actions, and because it’s interesting (I mean, of course I find her fascinating, I’ve written a novel’s worth of fic about her). However, after a few snarky comments (“What sort of woman raised Father Graves, do you think?”) and some subtler commentary on sexuality, gender and power (her unsettling MacPhail with the key in the bra in S1E2), S2E5 drew a weird line between sexism in Mrs Coulter’s professional and academic life and her vast and senseless institutionalised child murder, and the longer I’ve sat with that the more I’m like: what the fuck?

Look, Mrs Coulter doesn’t tear apart children to search for sin inside them and poison Boreal and break a witch’s fingers because she’s experienced sexism in the workplace and in her education. That’s… a very odd thing to imply. We have to remember that there are lots of women in Lyra’s world, all of whom will also have experienced sexism, misogyny and other forms of marginalisation (many in more expansive and pernicious ways than Mrs Coulter, who’s a woman, yes, but also white, wealthy, highly educated and very thin and beautiful), and none of them are running arctic torture stations. She will have experienced misogyny, absolutely, and that will have affected her in various ways that inform how she approaches her work, but to imply that being denied a doctorate is the reason she became a sadistic killer is frankly bizarre. Here are a few of the lines from that episode with my commentary:

“Do you know who I could have been in this world?” What does this mean? If she’d been roughly the same person in our world, the answer is: Margaret Thatcher, which is probably a step down for Marisa, all things considered, because the Magisterium is far more autocratic than any recent Tory government and would be a much easier institutional environment in which to enact her cruelty. What we’re supposed to think, clearly, is that she’d have been a different person: a scientist and a mother, and she’s had this realisation because she saw a woman with a baby and a laptop and had a three-minute conversation with Mary. This doesn’t make sense. We live in our world! It’s less repressive than Lyra’s world but it’s hardly a gender utopia. If Mrs Coulter had chosen the scientist-and-mother life (which, as I’ll revisit later, she could have done in her world but chose not to because of her megalomaniac tendencies), she’d still have been affected by misogyny here too. Our world is not kind to young mothers, nor young women embroiled in scandals, nor is the world teeming with female physicists. It might be a little better, sure, but it’s hardly as if those gendered challenges would have been solved.  

“What do you mean she runs a department?” This is just the show forgetting its own canon. Marisa, you ran a massive government organisation (the GOB), including a huge murder science research initiative in the Arctic. That’s a much bigger undertaking and much more impressive than running a university department in our world. Pull yourself together.

“But because I was a woman, I was denied a doctorate by the Magisterium.” This is the show flagrantly ignoring the source material to make a clumsy political point. In the books, there are women with doctorates (notably Hannah Relf, also a major player in the new Book of Dust trilogy) and at least one women’s college full of female scholars. Now, would that women’s college likely be underfunded and disrespected compared to the men’s colleges? Almost certainly. But saying that is different than saying “I couldn’t get my doctorate!” when women in Lyra’s world can. The show knew what point they wanted to make, and were willing to ignore canon to do so, which is frustrating. Also, given that there are female academics and scientists in Lyra’s world, and that Mrs Coulter is a member of St Sophia’s college, it’s clear that she could have lived that life if she so desired. But she didn’t want that, because being a scientist and academic at St Sophia’s imbues her with no real power, and that’s what she craves.

I’m not opposed, in theory, to exploring Mrs Coulter and misogyny in more depth, but I think doing so through an examination of the sexual politics of her life would have made a lot more narrative sense and been much more powerful. It’s better evidenced in the text – her using her sexuality to manipulate people and taking lovers for political sway is entirely canon, as is her backstory where genuine love and lust blew up her life – and it links much more closely with the most shocking of her villainy, which involves cutting out children’s dæmons to stop them developing “troublesome thoughts and feelings,” referencing sexual and romantic desire (and what Lyra and Will do to save Dust is clearly a big ‘fuck you’ to those aims). She even says this to MacPhail in TAS, “If you thought for one moment that I would release my daughter into the care - the care! - of a body of men with a feverish obsession with sexuality, men with dirty fingernails, reeking of ancient sweat, men whose furtive imaginations would crawl over her body like cockroaches - if you thought I would expose my child to that, my Lord President, you are more stupid than you take me for.” Don’t get me wrong, she’d have been a villain regardless, but I do believe that there’s a much stronger link between her sexual and romantic experiences and her murder work than between professional and academic stifling and child murder. It would have been a lot more interesting and a lot less tenuous.

However, the show is trying to be family-friendly, and digging into why this terrible, cruel woman might want to cut the ability for desire and love (and other non-sexual adult feelings, I’m sure) out of people could get dark. We know that the show doesn’t want to go there, because they’ve actively toned down her weaponising her sexuality: in the books, she has an established sexual relationship with Boreal, whereas the show made it seem like she’s been stringing him along all this time, and made it about potentially ‘sharing a life’ together rather than fucking, which was clearly the arrangement in the books. Also, I think Ruth Wilson said she and Ariyon Bakare filmed a “steamy scene” together, and given that only a single chaste kiss between them aired it must have been cut. I think they deliberately minimised the sexual elements of the text, particularly regarding Mrs Coulter (the mountain scene with Asriel, which I did still love, was also a lot less horny than in the book) and replaced that with another gender issue, that of professional sexism, as if the two are interchangeable, which they are not. This is a shame, both for Mrs Coulter’s character and also for the story as a whole, because the characters’ relationships with sex and desire are an important part of the books! (If this minimised sexuality approach means that they don’t use the TAS scene where Asriel threatens to gag her and she tries to goad him into doing it, I’ll scream). Overall, I think they missed the mark here, which is a shame because I also think it could have been done well, if they’d been bolder and darker and more thoughtful.

Why might this happen? Why might the show take this approach? Why might it be latched onto by viewers? Personally, I think the conversations we have about women and power are very simplistic, which leaves us in a tight spot when we see women seizing power for themselves (even in fiction) and weaponising that against others, not just other women but people of all genders, because we struggle to move past ‘women have overall been denied power, so them taking it ‘back’ is good,’ even if that immediately becomes a hot mess of white, corporate feminism and results in the ongoing oppression of many people. I think we are so hungry for representations of powerful women that we – producers and viewers alike – struggle to see them as bad, because it’s uncomfortable to be so intoxicated by Mrs Coulter effortlessly dominating the men around her, subverting systems designed to marginalise her for her own benefit, and generally being aggressive and intelligent and ruthless, and then realise that you are entranced by someone who is, objectively, a terrible, terrible person. It can be hard to realise that if you channelled the energy of someone who mesmerises you, you’d be the villain. So instead of sitting with that (more on this below), a lot of legwork goes into reworking her villainy into, somehow, a just act, a result of oppression, as her taking back power that has been denied to her, rather than grappling with the fact that for anyone to desire power in such a merciless way, even if they have to overcome marginalisation to get it, is really, really dangerous.

The joy, of course, is that Mrs Coulter is not real! She’s not real! Adoring fictional characters does not mean condoning their (imaginary) decisions, nor do stories exist for each person in them to fit neatly into a good or bad box so you know who you’re allowed to love. Furthermore, fiction can be a fabulous tool for exploring and interrogating the parts of yourself that, if left to bloom unexamined, might perpetuate beliefs or behaviour that cause harm to others. Mrs Coulter doesn’t need to be a feminist or taking down the patriarchy or a righteous powerful woman to illuminate things about gender, power and feminism for those reading and watching. In fact, it’s important that we explore what happens when women (most commonly white, wealthy women, as she is) continue to perpetuate brutal systems under the guise of sticking it to ‘men,’ because it happens all the time in the real world, and it’s a serious issue. Finding characters like Mrs Coulter so cool and compelling doesn’t make you a bad person, but it might tell you something about yourself – not that you want to be a villain or kill kids or whatever, but something about how you relate to your gender or women or men or power – and that knowledge can be useful! We all have better and worse impulses, and finding art that helps us make sense of ourselves, both the good and bad parts, is a gift that we should relish.

Anyway, tl;dr, Mrs Coulter doesn’t need to be sympathetic or understandable or redeemable to be brilliant – but you wouldn’t know that from how she’s been portrayed in the new adaptation.