#I hurt my back making those so yknow I’m not entirely upset that a lot of people like them

[kerosene-saint]

Why are my Fab Four bracelets getting so many notes GO LOOK AT MY OTHER DANGER DAYS ART PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

[frogtanii]

iwaizumi was... overwhelmed, to say the least.

the past few days had been such a whirlwind of change that hajime could barely properly process, much less appropriately react to it all, so he behaved much like a zombie, saying yes when prompted, signing papers when told, and packing up what was his entire life for the past 11 months.

wow. iwaizumi collapsed on his bed as he scanned his now barren bedroom. he’d been here for almost a year and yet, all his belongings were in boxes within a couple of days.

hajime couldn’t keep the disbelieving chuckle from escaping his chest as he leaned back on his bed, dark brown eyes trained on the ceiling.

it felt like he’d spent such a large chunk of his life trapped in this house, under the foot of the woman who he thought he’d marry but in reality, he’d been in little leagues longer than he’d been in love.

iwaizumi scoffed and rolled his eyes. yeah, “in love”. it’d been about a week since his whole life started to unravel and he had hardly seen, let alone spoken to meiko throughout that entire time.

over text, she’d sworn up and down that she loved and cared about him but as she passed by him packing his things a few days ago, she’d barely spared him a second glance.

hajime wasn’t going to lie. it hurt. he’d opened his heart up to her, something he didn’t do easily, and she’d taken his trust and used it to twist him into her weapon.

he always believed he was stronger than this — he’d never forget his mother telling him so when he was younger. he had fallen and scraped his knee yet he refused to cry to keep from upsetting his mom. iwaizumi existed to live up to what his mother thought of him but here he was, completely enveloped in meiko’s shit, doing her dirty work and following her bidding like some mutt.

god, toorū was right. he really was her bitch.

“i could hear you thinking from down the hall, iwa-chan.” speak of the devil...

oikawa stood at his doorway, leaning against the frame with a posture that seemed relaxed at first glance but if you looked a little closer, you’d notice the tenseness in his shoulders and the tightness of his smile.

hajime quickly sat up on his bed before motioning for his old friend to enter. “uh, yeah,” he began, his voice cracking a little from disuse, “i have a lot to think about.”

the light haired brunette let out an understanding hum before wandering into the room, sharp observant eyes darting to look at all the empty walls. “looks like you’re all packed.”

“pretty much,” iwaizumi nodded before the room fell into an awkward silence, the two childhood friends completely avoiding one another’s eyes.

“look, i-“

“iwa-chan, i’m-“

they both paused for a moment before bursting into laughter, the sound carrying into the hall and throughout the house.

hajime wiped a few stray tears from his eyes, shaking his head at their awkwardness. “you first, shittykawa.”

toorū gasped in halfhearted mock offense before quickly sobering up, training iwaizumi with a completely serious look. “i’m sorry and before you go on some bullshit, self sacrificing rant, you’re not the only one to blame for what happened to our friendship.”

he sighed while making his way to iwaizumi’s bed, sitting down gently beside him. “i should’ve known better, okay? i shouldn’t have let my jealousy and insecurities get in between us but i guess i got swept up in the attention, yknow? meiko is actually charming when she wants to be.”

iwaizumi nodded in agreement, knowing all too well how compelling meiko could be. the room fell into a more comfortable silence as both boys escaped into their thoughts, questions about the future of their friendship flitting throughout their minds.

“oh!” oikawa was pulled out of his own head at hajime’s exclamation, his eyes moving to observe his friend dig through his pockets to procure a thick white envelope. “here. i’d like you to give this yn.”

all toorū could do was nod, his brain short circuiting at the sight of iwaizumi’s apparent kindness to the woman he tormented for so long. “uh, what’s in it?” he ventured to ask, his soft hands toying with the sealed envelope flap.

a soft chuckle came from across the bed. “don’t be so nosy toorū, just give it to her, yeah?” oikawa rolled his eyes but obliged, the bed creaking as he stood to his feet.

“so... this is it, huh?” it was like the reality of the situation was just now sinking in — they hadn’t been close in a while but iwaizumi was still his best friend and he wasn’t quite ready to let him go.

they’d been through so much together, practically growing up together and now, they’d only see each other on holidays, if even then, and then he’d never be invited to hajime’s wedding as his best man as they’d planned and he also wouldn’t be the coolest uncle/godfather of iwa’s children and—

“fuck no,” hajime scoffed with a bright grin on his face. “thought you were gonna annoy me til the end of time shittykawa. don’t tell me you’re quitting your job now.”

the hidden meaning behind iwaizumi’s words brought tears to oikawa’s eyes and before he could stop himself, he launched his body into iwa’s arms. hajime hesitated, his hands stuttering at toorū’s sides as though he’d forgotten how to hug but the feeling passed, his arms winding around his friend’s lithe waist.

“‘m gonna miss you hajime,” oikawa’s voice came out as a broken whimper, his arms tightening around his shoulders.

iwaizumi hummed instead of responding, too afraid of his voice cracking under the weight of his emotions. they stood there for a moment but the honk of the moving truck outside signaled the both of them of their limited time.

hurriedly, oikawa wiped the tears off his cheeks before waving awkwardly at iwaizumi as he left the room with a friendly, “don’t be a stranger.”

and then he was gone.

toorū finally allowed himself to collapse into sobs on his best friends empty bed, his palms pressing into his eyes as he sat there and just let himself feel.

apparently, he wasn’t crying very quietly because it took only a few moments for you to find him, your soft footsteps alerting him to your presence. oikawa scrambled to wipe away what he knew was an unattractive mixture of tears and snot as you got closer.

you were one of the last people he wanted to see him like this.

“hey,” you whispered, standing a few feet away from him. “um, i know this is probably a bad time but i just wanted to thank you for apologizing? back at the awards show?”

toorū sniffed as he looked up at you with confusion written on his face. “what? you shouldn’t thank me for apologizing. ‘s common courtesy.”

you laughed softly, nodding in agreement. “well, not always. so, thank you.” finished with your piece and not too keen on lingering where you weren’t wanted, you moved towards the door but were swiftly stopped before you got there.

“um, here. it’s from iwa-chan.” you gaped at the thick envelope oikawa was handing you before taking it and opening it, a low curse falling from your lips.

inside the package was a dense wad of cash, more money than you’d seen in months. accompanied with it was a letter, written in beautifully loopy handwriting.

you shut it quickly before oikawa could see, stuffing the envelope deep within your pocket where you could access it alone in the depths of your room.

“do you wanna come eat? last i heard, bokuto and tsumu were doing a cooking competition and i’m sure it’ll be fun to watch.” you were severely thrown off by the money and letter but you were determined to show toorū that you’d accepted his apology and were on your way to making amends.

he gave you a shy nod and trailed behind you to the kitchen, the loud sounds of fire and screaming coming from down the hall. you wanted to focus on the fun and merriment but the envelope was practically burning a hole in your pocket.

later that night, you finally got the chance to open the letter and read it, your former manager’s words bringing tears to your eyes.

dear yn,

i’m probably the last person you expected to hear from. you probably didn’t want to hear from me at all if i’m being honest and i don’t blame you. i know there is nothing i can say that could make up for what i’ve done to you but i’d like to try.

i’m sorry. those words don’t nearly express in and of themselves how truly remorseful i am but they needed to be said. there’s no excuse for how i treated you — not meiko, not my stress, absolutely nothing.

you deserved my common decency and respect and i didn’t give that to you. instead, i abused my position and made your life hell. i’ll never forgive myself for that.

uh, i bet you’re wondering what the money is? i promise i’m not trying to pay you off, it’s just all the money i’ve denied you since you moved here. i have a lot of wrongs to right and this is one of them.

sorry, i’m not very good with words but i just wanted you to know that i’m very sorry for everything that i’ve done. and i’m in no place to make demands or anything but i just wanted to ask if you’d keep an eye on oikawa for me.

he’s strong but he’s also vulnerable. he might be a pain in my ass but he’s my best friend and since i can’t keep him from drowning, i was wondering if you’d do that - not for me but for him.

anyways, this letter is shit but i suppose you get the gist. use the money for whatever you want and if you’re as unselfish as i’ve heard, you don’t owe me anything. you don’t owe me money, kindness, or forgiveness.

take care of yourself,

iwaizumi hajime

℗ poker face

so... this is it

series masterlist

(●’◡’●)ﾉ

an - soooo m back :D hopefully this is the last of my mini hiatuses!! this chapter sucked to write but i’m not mad at how it turned out?? pls let me know how i did skjdkd don’t forget to feed me <3333

taglist - if your name is in bold, i cannot tag you

@boosyboo9206 • @geektastic84 • @elianetsantana • @trashy-simp • @infinitebells • @6mattsun9 • @suhkusa • @katsulovee • @kotarosbabygirl • @fucktheworlddude • @insomniacwreck • @calumsfringe • @saltylettuce • @chai-blu • @al3x1ss • @hawksyoongi • @syndellwins • @jooleuuh • @loubells • @kissungjae • @liberhoe • @tetsurocore • @animeoverdosee • @duhsies • @saikishairclip • @afire24 • @premiyagi • @kit-kat428 • @doctorspencereid • @daphnxy • @kyomihann • @maer-333 • @sinoflust19 • @peteunderoos • @peachiikichu • @iidanotlida • @yongboxerrr • @kac-chowsballs • @tanakaslastbraincell • @memorableminds • @risjime • @starry-magicshop • @sugavwara • @smuttyanimeslut • @kiwibirbs-library • @haijkk • @airybnb • @crybabygumi • @iwaisa • @decaffinatedtealover • @notameera • @kawaii-angelanne • @rintarovibes • @urlocalsimp

the rest of the tags will be in the replies!!

[infinitebells]

Hi can I request an Albert x reader where the reader is an underclassman of Albert in the military back in the days (and has worked alongside with Moran too) *to make him bit of a jealous* Reader is now working for the moriarty brothers. And make Albert confess to her about his feelings.. Its a lot I know but can you please give it a try

for sure! it’s not too much, no worries!

✧ when he first met you he was kind of impressed that a woman was even in the military (yknow, sexism and all that)

✧ but you had made a name for yourself, and you were strong willed and a powerful presence, despite being beneath him

✧ moran knew of you as well, and he knew of albert’s big small crush on you

✧ when he saw you and albert talking to each other, he boldly interrupted you two, introducing himself with a smug smile and a wink

✧ albert is annoyed to say the least, but he can’t do anything as moran slings an arm around your shoulder, smirking at albert

✧ you and albert had stuck close together, him almost protecting you from the shitheads that were in the military

✧ if you weren’t with him, you were with moran

✧ cut to five years later, you were proclaimed as killed in action, same way as moran

✧ you knew at the time that he was also pronounced kia, so you fled and made your way back to england, cutting your hair shorter and sticking to low profile towns

✧ you weren’t sure what would happen if you were caught alive, so you chose to stay quiet

✧ albert and moran had assumed you were truly dead, and albert was more upset than he had let on, but refused to tell anyone

✧ only moran really knew how upset albert was

✧ now, cut to the dancers on the bridge episode

✧ you had been hanging out at a local bar, enjoying a glass of whiskey (moran had forced you to build up a tolerance) when in walked the colonel himself

✧ you choked on your drink, knowing damn well that he was also supposed to be dead

✧ when he hears the sound of you slamming your glass on the bar top, he’s stock still because you were supposed to be dead

✧ immediately runs over and pulls you into a massive hug, laughing in awe

✧ you’re still stunned that he’s alive, but you refuse to linger on that, wrapping your own arms around him

✧ “jesus christ you were supposed to be fucking dead woman!”

✧ “so were you dumbass!”

✧ instead of going up with the woman that night, he tugs you upstairs, letting you watch as he sets up his sniper and explains what’s going on

✧ you two and albert had talked about the shit show that is the english class system, so he had no qualms shooting at the teacher in front of you

✧ once he was disposed of, he tells you to wait here, bringing william and fred up to meet you

✧ they were well aware of who you were, albert had talked non-stop about you when he came home, and he always spoke fondly of you after he had found out you were kia

✧ william was delighted to meet someone else who shared their values, welcoming you to the team with open arms

✧ fred was a bit shy about you, intimidated by the fact that you were a military women who also dressed the part (imagine like moran’s outfit but with no jacket or suspenders, and lace up shorter boots instead)

✧ the boys let you and moran catch up, knowing you two had missed each other

✧ while moran had teasingly flirted with you when you two first met, he became your best friend after a while

✧ the next morning, he tells you he’s going to take you to see albert

✧ you had never wanted to admit that you had a crush on your superior during your time in the army, but moran was well aware when he saw the slight flush across your cheeks

✧ you’re nervous though, fiddling with your fingers the entire walk to the hotel he had been staying in

✧ when you two finally got there, moran let you go up to his room alone, knowing you wanted to be with him for a bit first

✧ after knocking on his door, it takes him a few seconds before opening it, jaw dropping at the sight of you in front of him

✧ “holy shit what the fuck”

✧ you swear that’s the first time you’ve ever heard the resident gentleman curse

✧ you tentatively wrap your arms around his waist, hoping he wouldn’t push you away

✧ as soon as he feels you against him, will yank you into the room and hug you tightly, burying his face in your hair and his arms enveloping you

✧ will not say a word for a whole minute, simply trying to absorb the fact that you’re actually alive and here

✧ “general moriarty, what a pleasure to see you again”

✧ you can’t hold in your giggles, and he laughs along with you, pulling back to take a good look at you

✧ once he’s satisfied with the results, he insists that you two can talk more at the manor instead of in the dingy room he had been staying in

✧ will spend the entire day with, spending more time explaining what him, his brothers, and the others are doing

✧ you gladly agree to help, and every single one of albert’s old feelings come rushing back

✧ the next few weeks, he tries to not let his feelings for you interfere with their work, hoping that the trip on the noahtic would be enough for him to distract himself

✧ in those few weeks, your feelings for albert had also resurfaced, growing stronger

✧ you had opted to not say anything, not wanting to ruin the dynamic of the team

✧ for the noahtic, william decides to have you dress as a noble, keeping you close to albert in case you needed to be used as a ‘distraction’

✧ albert was not pleased with that idea, but didn’t say anything

✧ things were going fine, you two were walking below decks to the ship’s restaurant, until a very drunk nobleman stumbled into you, groping you in the process

✧ in your shock, you freeze until you feel someone yank you back and the nobleman is on the ground, groaning and holding his face

✧ albert is holding you tightly to him, heaving in anger as his fist clenches before dragging you to the top deck so you can get fresh air

✧ as soon as you two are outside and alone, he looks all over to see if the noble hurt you in anyway, his words jumbling together so you can barely understand him

✧ “did he hurt you? where’d he touch you? i’m going to fucking kill him,”

✧ “albert, i’m okay! look at me, you’ve gotta calm down ok?”

✧ “no he fucking touched you thats no-”

✧ he’s cut off when he feels your lips on his, and the only thought that runs through his mind is how soft they feel on his

✧ you pull back before he has time to react, but he doesn’t let you speak as he pulls you back, grabbing at you desparately

✧ his hands threads through your hair, tugging lightly and pressing your mouth more into his, his tongue sliding across your own as your knees go weak from the contact

✧ his other arm wraps around you for support, and when he pulls away both of you are panting and blushing bright red

✧ neither of you say anything at first, only staring into each others eyes

✧ you had always loved how bright they were, how beautifully green they were, how they managed to make your heart beat faster every time you looked at them

✧ you’re too scared to break the silence, but you decide to do it anyways

✧ “can we kiss again?”

✧ you’re surprised at your words, not at all expecting those to fall out of your mouth

✧ he laughs thought, gently letting you rest your head on his chest

✧ “after i properly take you to dinner and ask you to be my girlfriend, we can kiss as much as you want,”

✧ both of you are grinning widely, the weight of his words sinking deep into your bones as he waits for your response

✧ “i’d really like that,”

✧ “me too.”

[annesfaulkner]

Better to Have Loved

Prompt: c. “oh my god, you’re crying.”

And it’s purly so there’s that

So yeah have fun ig

_____

Curly was not having a good day from the second he woke up. It was barely the crack of dawn and Curly really was not having it. “God d*mmit.” Curly mumbled to himself as he angrily pulled his leather jacket on. He wouldn’t even be going to school if it hadn’t been for his stupid probation requirements. And he wouldn’t have even had those if he hadn’t gotten caught, which had been entirely his fault. Because he was stupid.

The main reason Curly didn’t like going to school, other than the thrill he got from disobeying the rules and skipping, was because he was stupid. Plain and simple. Even though he did try to do the work —most of the time— he just couldn’t seem to grasp the concepts they were throwing at him. They never bothered to try to help him, so Curly decided not to care. Caring about school was lame, anyway

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Curly stomped down the stairs, stubbing his bare toe on a nail and grumbling to himself some more. Stupid.

When he finally got downstairs, Tim was completely wasted on the couch and was attempting to open a bottle of beer with trembling hands. Curly wasn’t surprised. This had been a common occurrence the last couple months, although he refused to acknowledge why. Nobody would. “Nope,” Curly swooped in and took the bottle from Tim, who made a loud, indignant squeak that sober Tim never would have made.

“No!” Tim yelped, making a wild grab for Curly. “I-I need it!” He attempted to stand but fell, which was to be expected, judging by the number of empty beer bottles scattered on the couch and floor.

“Oh really?” Curly decided to humor Tim. Sometimes he said some pretty wild things when he was drunk. “Just why do you need it?” There was a mischievous glint in Curly’s eyes as he held the bottle over his head.

“Be-because!” Tim slurred. “Without it, I’ll miss Dally too much!”

At that, the spark died and Curly turned away.

Dally. God, he missed Dally. People seemed to think he was only friends with Tim, but Ol’ Dal was pretty close to him, and Angela too. And Curly missed him a lot more than he would like to admit. “Hey, Tim...I ain’t going to go to school today...” Curly said softly, which was significantly out of character for him. “I think I’m just gonna head back to bed.” He turned, not even waiting for Tim’s response, which was just a bunch of unintelligible words jumbled together, and made his way back to his bed. He slid the beer bottle under his bed to save it for later. He sat on the edge of his bed with a heavy sigh and buried his face in his hands. But he didn’t cry. No, he didn’t cry. Shepard’s don’t cry.

When Curly woke up, he assumed it was some time in the afternoon. He stretched, listening to his shoulder bones pop, and decided to head out for a walk. He swallowed when he walked by a passed out Tim on his way out, with more empty bottles surrounding him than the last time Curly saw him. He grimaced, there was no way this was good for Tim’s health. Not that he cared. Shepard’s didn’t care. But then he bit his lip, remembering their conversation that morning, and shook his head. No point on dwelling on that. It wouldn’t bring Dally back. Curly winced at that thought. Nothing could bring Dally back.

Curly finally started paying attention to where he was walking and realized he could see kids walking home. School must have just let out.

“Hey! Curly!” An angry voice called out. Uh oh... Curly turned to see Ponyboy running towards him. He knew Ponyboy was going to be angry about him skipping, he had just hoped he wouldn’t have to face him today. Curly roughly ran a hand through his hair. He had been hoping for a peaceful walk to cool down. Arguing with Ponyboy would definitely not help him cool down.

By now Ponyboy was in front of him. “Where were you today?!” Ponyboy demanded angrily, although Curly could hear the concern behind it, which made him give a faint smile. He covered it up with a smirk. Shepard’s don’t smile. “You ain’t allowed to skip anymore, you could get in a lot of trouble!” Ponyboy exclaimed exasperatedly.

“I just didn’t want to go today...” Curly shrugged, forcing himself to sound casual and uncaring. Ponyboy eyed him suspiciously and Curly internally groaned. He should’ve known Ponyboy was too smart to fall for something like that.

“You’re lying.” Ponyboy accused, stepping closer. “You know, it isn’t that hard to just go to school. I don’t see why you make it such a big deal.” Ponyboy was definitely mad, Curly knew this, but he knew it was just because he was worried. He knew not to take anything Ponyboy said to heart.

“Look, Pone, I gotta go.” Curly was beginning to feel overwhelmed. He felt his eyes watering up. Was this his breaking point?

Curly had known about Dally’s death for almost a month and he had not cried once. Angela had at least twice and even Tim did when he told him, but Curly had kept all his tears inside. Was this it? Was he really going to cry in front of Ponyboy?

No, Shepard’s don’t cry. Curly stuffed his hands in his pockets and began walking away from Ponyboy, not caring that he hadn’t really given an explanation.

“Curly, wait!” He heard footsteps following after him and clenched his hands around the material of his jeans as he swallowed, desperately trying to keep the tears at bay.

“Pony, I’m really not in the mood.” He growled, not liking the way his voice came out shakier than normal. He began walking faster, hunching over to hide his face.

“No, Curly wait—!” Ponyboy’s hand was on his shoulder now. Why couldn’t he just take a hint? Curly shrugged his hand off and whirled around, glaring at the greaser before him.

“I said I didn’t want to talk!” He hissed, his voice cracking mid-sentence. He gritted his teeth. Shepard’s don’t cry, Shepard’s don’t cry, Shepard’s don’t cry. “F*ck,” he whispered, feeling tears slide out of his eyes and dribble down his cheeks. There goes his reputation. Curly expected Ponyboy to laugh, or maybe run off to tell his friends, but he just stared at Curly in shock.

“Oh my god,” Pony began. “You’re crying.”

“Yeah, so what?” Curly asked fiercely, feeling the tears pour out faster. Blocking his sadness with anger wasn’t working anymore, and Curly wasn’t sure what to do.

“Nothing, nothing!” Ponyboy assured him. “Let’s just go over here...” he led Curly to a nearby alleyway, causing him to roll his eyes.

“I ain’t gonna tell you anything, if that’s what you want.” Curly said stubbornly, sliding his back down the wall to sit next to Ponyboy.

“You don’t have to,” Ponyboy agreed, “but it might make you feel better if you do.” He said encouragingly.

“I feel fine.” Curly insisted, trying to push the thoughts of Tim passed out on the couch night after night, of Angela’s face when she told Curly that Dallas had died, of old, fond memories of Dally that made his chest ache. He tried to push all of it away, as he had been doing the entire time since his death, but he couldn’t. Not anymore. He couldn’t ignore the pain they made him feel. “It’s just...” Curly started shakily. He didn’t even know how to do this. How to talk about his feelings. He hadn’t shown vulnerability like this in so long, it just felt unnatural. “I just...Dally was really close to me...” he trailed off. “I don’t...really know how to do this. How to-to talk about feelings and stuff.”

“Hey, hey, that’s okay.” Ponyboy was rubbing Curly’s back now. Curly knew he should stop him, after all, Shepard’s didn’t need comfort, but oddly enough, he liked it. He even found himself leaning into Ponyboy’s touch.

“I just, I don’t know...I guess you think I’m pretty pathetic, huh,” Curly asked miserably, wiping his tears away with his hand.

“No! Not at all!” Ponyboy had this look in his eyes, this sympathetic look. Curly didn’t like it. “There ain’t nothing wrong with crying.”

Curly was completely leaning on Ponyboy’s shoulder by now. Stop it, he told himself. But he never listens to his head. “Shepard’s don’t cry.” He stated simply, as if that explained everything. That look in Ponyboy’s eyes intensified by tenfold. Curly realized now that it wasn’t sympathy, it was pity.

“Listen, Curly, I know you grew up thinking...oh, I don’t know, that emotions were bad, that you shouldn’t feel. That you should...” Pony grimaced, “‘Be a Shepard,’ but that ain’t how it has to be...when someone dies like that, it’s okay to feel upset.”

Curly knew he was lying, he just knew it. He had to be tough. He was a Shepard. There was no way around it. But maybe...around Ponyboy he could let his guard down. Just maybe he didn’t have to be strong all the time.

The tears had stopped now, his eyes were just red and puffy and he was still sniffling. “Okay,” he agreed, letting his head rest on Ponyboy’s shoulder. “Okay.” Curly kept his head on Ponyboy’s shoulder for a little bit, just taking deep breaths, in and out, until his breaths weren’t as erratic anymore. “Yknow....Dallas was like a brother to me.” Curly confessed. “We did a lot together.” Curly’s fingers ghosted over one of his piercings, swallowing harshly and letting the memories overcome him. “He helped me with this,” he laughed bitterly, remembering the way Dallas told him it wasn’t going to hurt, and him believing him. “It was my first one, I was gonna ask Tim for help but he was in the cooler.”

Ponyboy didn’t say anything, he just listened to Curly’s stories, but he snaked his arm around Curly’s neck and pulling him close. “Tim was in and out of the cooler a lot, you know? When he was, Dally would come over,” Curly had a bittersweet smile on his face. “He would always make sure Angela and I had enough to eat and were staying clean and stuff...god, he always pretended he didn’t care, but he did...” He breathed in sharply. “We knew he did...he never had to say it.”

Curly felt Ponyboy nod against the side of his head. “He never told us he cared either, but we knew he did. He was real tuff like that.” Ponyboy agreed.

Ponyboy was warm. He liked it. Curly knew Shepard’s didn’t ‘cuddle’ with anyone, but Ponyboy wasn’t just anyone. Ponyboy was special.

“Ya know,” Ponyboy said. “Dally never got to see the sunset. He never really appreciated it.” Ponyboy smiled wryly. “Johnny wanted me to show him, but I never got a chance.”

Curly nodded, fighting to control his wild, erratic, breathing. He gazed at the sunset with Ponyboy, glad he was able to share this moment with him. Sure, maybe it didn’t make him seem real tuff, watching the sunset like that, but it sure was something else, sitting here with Ponyboy and watching the sun go down.

He felt something, deep inside of him, for the boy sitting next to him. Some kind of love, some kind of yearning. He wasn’t really sure, but it was something he had only ever felt around Ponyboy. After all, no one else read and watched movies like Ponyboy did. Nobody else would watch sunsets or comfort him like that. There really was no one else like Ponyboy. And in that moment, Curly found himself turning and placing his lips on top of the other boy’s. And, to Curly’s delight, he was kissing back.

Tags: @leuiesroom

^ thanks for helping so much!!

[donnieluvsthings]

anyway i’m still thinkin about roceit newsies au...this got SO LONG its basically a bullet fic of the whole plot at this point but uh enjoy!!! its has all the sides and remy and emile bc i rly wanted to shove them all in here aldkaldka

this is based on the musical mostly bc i have never watched the original movie all the way thru oops

roman is jack and remus is crutchie (thanks boop). remus does crazy stunts even with his crutch and roman is Constantly Worried TM and overprotective of remus even tho remus can DEF take care of himself

on the other hand remus knows roman hates working as a newsboy and just wants to escape to some small town where he can become a local artist of some sort. remus wants roman to go CHASE his DREAMS even tho he’s afraid roman might leave him behind

roman may be the actor but remus is great at coming up with gruesome yet intriguing headlines that get people to buy papers and would totally be a great author of some sort

ON THAT NOTE roman dreams of santa fe and can picture it perfectly but whenever he tries to explain it, it comes out as senseless rambling and longing. it’s remus who can really put into words what roman feels (bc theyre bros and they just GET each other)

virgil as davey, patton as les, logan as sarah (its the musical but they have an extra sibling okay. let me have older brother logan)

virgil and patton show up and virgil is super untrusting and hates that theyre basically lying to get people to buy papers but patton is just EXCITED to meet New People!!! and looks up to roman (and remus), like, instantly

it helps that roman promises to take them to a real actual theater after they sell all their papers owned by the one the only emile picani !!!

also roman is the one who first calls him “virge” which is like jack saying “davey” instead of david. yes this is necessary information

so they sell their papers (and roman briefly meets an ESPECIALLY handsome guy wink wink) and go see emile who performs some variant of That’s Rich like the star he is. u cant take singer emile away from me

roman also performs bc i said so. he spies someone watching him during his act up above the stage and climbs up there when he’s done

janus. its janus, if that wasnt clear or u dont know the plot of the newsies musical aldkaldlal

so yeah janus as katherine!! he may be pulitzer’s son but that doesn’t mean his father wants him to be a journalist. pulitzer thinks he should prepare to inherit the publishing company or be a banker or smth, not be a journalist

i just think janus’ “society is a LIE” vibe fits with katherine. i mean, just look at Watch What Happens. “give life’s little guys some ink,” “they’ll storm the gates,” “rich greedy sourpusses” .... idk it just SCREAMS janus to me

ALSO, katherine technically lies about her identity for like 3/4 of the musical, so

anyway! roman meets janus and janus is all suave and lowkey flirty at first but then roman starts flirting BACK and jan is like “uh oh how to talk to cute boys????”

so then he gets all “i have more important things to do” *hair flip* and goes back to the article he’s supposed to be writing about emile’s theater (a lot of his notes are about roman’s performance but nobody needs to know that shhh)

roman draws a portrait of jan and leaves it there and janus gently & dramatically picks it up, stares at it, and tucks it into his suit with a soft smile

uh oh prices for papers went up! virgil steps up and helps roman lead a strike. turns out his caution works GREAT with roman’s determination and they keep each other from going towards extreme overthinking (virgil) or extreme stupidity (roman). they are a TEAM and they are BESTIES.

remus: lets SET THE PAPERS ON FIRE

roman, starry eyed: HECK YEAH LETS DO IT

virgil: how about we dont do that and instead form a union

and then the twins are like GOOD IDEA and tell everyone else. virgil may be a cautious and untrusting and afraid of public speaking but he has good ideas dangit

the intro to seize the day yknow? virgil says a Good Idea (which can probably be traced back to him always listening to logan rant about his studies) and roman spreads the message in a Firm Rebellion-y way to the other newsies

and patton is there doing his absolute best. he may be small but he knows that this isn’t right or fair to the newsboys and he’s ready to physically fight someone

enter logan who is lowkey really proud of virgil for stepping outside of his comfort zone to do whats right. logan may be scared out of his mind for his little bros but he’s gonna help them as much as he can between college and trying to work side jobs to help their fam

basically logan knows janus and tells him that he should report on the strike bc logan wants to help his bros AND his friend however he can

cue janus seeing his opportunity and TAKING it. he’s gonna write about this strike even if no one else will!!! take THAT, father

he also maybe possibly wanted to see roman again. but roman never needs to know that okay what he doesnt know cant hurt him

seize the day happens!!!! they strike!!!! they r powerful!!! but then no one else from any other sections of new york strike with them and they lowkey get rekt

remus mocks the delanceys but that was a BAD decision cuz now theyre targeting him and he gets taken to the REFUGE

roman is SAD bc his brother’s been taken away, no one showed up to help them strike, his brother’s been taken away and he just wants to get OUT of there. run away to santa fe, his ideal world, but he can’t even articulate that because his brother is gone

how is that just act one. how have i written so much yet left out so much???

remus is at the refuge and he’s a little more scared, now, that roman really will just leave him behind even though he knows deep down that roman would never.

still. he writes roman a letter and maybe he goes into a little too much detail about his injuries and the refuge but hey, that’s remus. he writes about how maybe they can run away to santa fe together. he signs it “your brother” and i CRY because they are the best bros

roman reads it and ALSO cries. especially because there it is, the description of santa fe he can never come up with by himself. remus rly does know him, huh

total scene change: janus finds the other newsies (and logan) in a restaurant? bar? and is like “!!! ur on the FRONT PAGE on my newspaper” which i just decided is called the snake instead of the sun

virgil didn’t totally trust janus would follow thru at first but now he’s convinced. they did it!!!! theyre on the front page!!!! the world WILL know!!!!

cue tapdancing!!!!!! king of new york is an absolute bop. i need logan tapdancing daintily and then janus LAUNCHING into some complex tap routine bc the newsies think he too will dance daintily

i know they wouldnt,,, actually dance but just let me have this self-indulgence in this entirely self-indulgent au

the Bro Trio + janus go hunt down roman to show him the paper and find him painting stuff at emile’s all sad and upset bc, well, they lost and remus was taken

but virgil is trying to show him that they made progress!!! sure pulitzer won but he won the BATTLE and actually the poor guy’s head is spinning bc theyre gonna win.

“cmon, ro, if i’m is telling you to be optimistic there must be hope”

see virgil calls him RO and its cute bc roman gave him the nickname ‘virge’ and now virgil’s giving him the nickname ‘ro’ theyre just besties okay

roman is unconvinced but then logan, who roman has actually never met before, steps in with Facts and Statistics, and patton adds some adorable words of encouragement, and janus sassily waves their Front Page Story at him, and roman starts realizing they DO have a chance

but then uh oh pulitzer threatens remus and the Bro Trio and roman is forced to speak out against the strike or risk ruining the lives of everyone he loves. and also he finds out that janus is pulitzer’s son and is Betrayed TM

theres some “he’s just trying to build up a false confidence in u so u can plummet to even greater depths” parallels in there somewhere....u can’t trust many people as a newsie and when roman DOES trust someone turns out he’s the son of the guy ur trying to fight

so roman says overnight in pulitzer’s basement, sleeping on an uncomfortable old printing press, and makes his decision

now for the RALLY

remy is spot conlon bc he DESERVES to be the leader of the brooklyn newsies. brooklyn, flushing, richmond, etc all show up to a newsies rally and are like YEAH!!! STRIKE!!!!

virgil is trying to tame the crowd nervously and keeps waiting for roman to show up bc they work best when theyre working together!!!! finally roman’s there and virgil introduces him (the attention isnt solely on him now thank gosh)

but then roman starts talking about how they dont stand a chance and how they shouldnt go on strike and virgil is just. confused and upset and angry

especially when he sees one of pulitzer’s employees slipping roman wads of money

virgil corners roman afterwards and is absolutely RIPPING into him. roman could fix this if he would just tell virgil the truth, tell him he doesn’t care about the money, he just wanted to keep him and patton and logan safe—

but roman knows if he tells virgil, then virgil will turn all his anger towards pulitzer, will be able to convince roman to keep going, and roman won’t. he can’t put virgil, put his family, at risk.

so he lies.

he doesn’t mean any of it. but he says it.

and maybe he kind of understands why janus lied, too.

he says he’s never had anyone to take care of him or remus, not like virgil does with his parents and his older brother. he says virgil will never know what it’s like.

virgil scoffs and glares and beneath all his fury looks crushed. but there’s still fire in his eyes, a spark roman saw that first day that only grew and engulfed any doubts virgil ever had.

roman says he’ll take the money and go, leave new york behind.

virgil says fine. we don’t need you. because you know what? all those words you said were mine. i didn’t have the courage to say them back then but now i do. we don’t need you.

(because i watched that scene in the movie and like YES go OFF davey i mean virgil)

roman flees to his “bedroom” which is really just a fire escape and just longs for remus’ reassurance. he has the letter but it doesn’t seem as encouraging now, not when he’s lost everything else important to him.

then janus shows up and roman’s mad at him but not mad enough to kick him out. and janus watched roman just give up on everything they’ve been fighting for and just wants to know WHY. why did he turn his back on the newsies when they were so close?

and roman, tired and upset and defeated, just says they wouldn’t succeed. even if all the newsies went on strike no one would report on it, anyway, because pultizer has all the printing presses on lockdown, even the one janus published from. and they already lost once! what more could they possibly do?

roman looks out over the railing, chest heaving from his rant, longing for his imaginary santa fe where he doesn’t have to face his failures. janus stands next to him and puts his hand over roman’s.

“i don’t have a simple answer to that question....but here’s a start.”

and janus pulls out a paper with roman’s words (well, and virgil’s, because virgil said it first but roman rephrased it powerfully, and that’s why they worked as a team) typed out, words that make the strike not about newsies but about ALL working children in the city who are being exploited for their youth and naivety.

it’s an entire article, expertly written. if published it would get the word out to the other newsies that they haven’t given up and show other working children and adults alike that this is IMPORTANT and they aren’t going away.

and then roman remembers his drawings of the refuge and remus’ graphic descriptions and shows them to janus and hey!!! they have a plan!!! they just need to print it....

roman’s like yo there’s an old press in ur dad’s basement he’d never suspect anything

and theyre both so excited and theyre gonna DO this, FINALLY, and janus sees hope on roman’s face again, maybe permanently this time, and janus just leans in and kisses him.

its very sweet and cute and theyre in LOVE

they pull back and kinda stand there awkwardly for a few seconds before both of them start grinning

and they both know its fragile, that they’ve hurt each other and trust was cracked, but it wasn’t broken completely, and they can fix this. they believe in each other and that’s enough for now.

and then they go find virgil at his house

roman knocks on the door and virgil opens it and just. glares at roman. and roman starts rambling apologies and explanations and tries to tell virgil about their plan and did he mention he’s sorry

virgil kinda just stares at him as he goes on and on and the only thing that stops him is patton running out and launching himself at roman

then logan appears behind virgil, and virgil kinda just smiles

“glad to have u back. again.”

and then they go sneak into pulitzer’s basement and print the article with jan’s writing and ro’s drawings and remus’ descriptions and the other newsies go spread the papers ALL around the city

the next morning EVERYONE is out on strike!!! u cant get ANYWHERE without seeing ppl, newsies or otherwise, filling the streets with chants of “seize the day”

roman, with the Bro Trio and Janus trailing close behind, waltzs on in to pulitzer’s office and flings the money pulitzer gave him back on the desk and is like whatcha gonna do NOW, joe??

pulitzer angrily tells them he’s a fool for going back on their deal and logan steps in sayin pulitzer is a fool for letting this get so out of hand over a 10 cent price increase. his sales are down 70%!! objectively the price increase was like the worst business decision ever

virgil’s like plus it’s making u look bad that ur business is the reason most of these kids are suffering. people really love kids, mr pulitzer and patton smiles brightly but in like a menacing way

then emile walks in with a ~dazzling smile~ and is like ur son told me about this whole situation, it’d be a shame if i contacted my good friend governor roosevelt who won’t be as kind as these brave newsies since u tried so hard to stop him from being elected :)

((in the show roosevelt is actually there but i want emile to have a moment to SHINE))

so pulitzer’s like FINE and talks to roman alone and roman wears him down, throwing words from janus, virgil, and pulitzer himself right in pulitzer’s face until FINALLY they have a deal. he’ll lower the prices by half AND pulitzer will buy back whatever they don’t sell full price

roman bursts out of the office into the streets where all the newsies are waiting and is like WE WONNN

and since they published all that stuff about the refuge in the paper, the guy who runs it is being arrested and REMUS IS FREE

the twins hug for like a full two minutes

then pulitzer offers roman a job as a political cartoonist and roman’s like. well idk now that this is over i should probably...head out

bc lowkey he’s thinking virgil still doesn’t wanna see roman ever again and he did say he would leave, so

but then virgil’s like come on, ro, you don’t really think we want u to leave, do u? what’s santa fe got that new york aint? tarantulas? sandstorms? stampedes? you can’t go to santa fe what if you DIE—

and logan says new york’s got us!

patton: and we’re family, right?

then janus is like you got a union to lead! and...you got me.

and remus is like bro, anyone can dream, all you do is close ur eyes! but some made up world is all you’ll ever see. (bc he’s the wordsy one, u see. he helps roman have the poetic realization that his santa fe isn’t real, but this IS)

so roman says well if u guys INSIST.....and then he takes jan’s hand and kinda asks w his eyes and then kisses jan in front of all the newsies who proceed to cheer obnoxiously

when they break apart roman leads janus by the hand over to the paper-buying-cart and slaps some couns down on the table and BUYS SOME PAPERS BC THEYRE NEWSIES BABEY

and everyone lived happily ever after🥰

[smoljamswrites]

BTS as your best friends:

I’m kind of proud of this and it’s my first one so yeah. If you like it please like or reblog, it’d mean the world to me. Thank you! x

KIM SEOKJIN

okay hands down Jin would be such a good best friend

He’s very protective of you

10/10 would get triggered if someone hurt/upset you

comforts you by putting on a funny movie and chills with you on the sofa or tells you an endless supply of his dad jokes

If you go shopping with him, it’d be like a father and child moment

he keeps telling you to stop messing with stuff on the shelves

continuously jokes around and tells you to put things back

and will definitely ask you what you think he should eat next on EatJin

actually, when he does EatJin you’re usually behind the camera just lying around on his bed or whatever, keeping quiet and playing games on your phone

because I get the impression that Jin loves it when he’s got company and he’s in someone else’s presence

asjskjskjsjs does that even make sense

like he just wants you to be there

even if you ain’t doing anything together

you’re just doing your own thing while he does his

he loves that

also because he’s a Mario fan, and he can be extra af, I think if you guys couldn’t decide who got to choose, between the two of you, something like which takeaway you should order

then you are playing Mario Kart and the winner gets to choose

and boi boy does he get competitive at Mario Kart

if you do win though, expect to witness a spluttery loud-ass Jin

not that he genuinely cares that you get to choose the food

I mean, he loves food so whatever you choose he will eat anyway

but he gets chaotic because he knows you find it funny

he’ll do anything to make you laugh

believe me when I say Jin lives to see you happy

being your best friend, he’s seen you upset and at your worse

which upset him in return

so he makes it his mission to make you smile and laugh when you’re with him

MIN YOONGI

Lets you chill in his studio whenever you want

you even have the password

you just walk in most evenings, pass him some food and drinks, and try your best to help him with whatever he’s working on this time

he appreciates this so much

you still annoy him a lot but lets be honest he wouldn’t want it any other way

the other guys often say that you and Yoongi are like a couple

surprisingly Yoongi doesn’t really care that they call you guys a couple

matter of fact, it probably doesn’t help the situation that you and Yoongi are  a l w a y s  cuddling

Like if you are on the sofa watching a film with the guys, you best expect his head to be on your shoulder, face nuzzled into your neck, arms draped over your stomach, by the end of the night

he just finds you comfy

similarly, if you are with him in his studio and its really late

and you refuse to leave without him because you know he’s tired too

he’ll be all huffy for a bit, but neither of you end up leaving because you’re both so stubborn

instead you’ll end up on his lap, your face on his chest, while he continues to work

and when he’s finally done, if you look too exhausted he’ll just take you back to his place and let you stop there for the night

you always beg him to teach you the piano

“but Yoongi you’re the piano god”  “go away y/n”

he insults you everyday but only because he loves you and he knows you can handle it because you insult him right back

you balance each other out perfectly

he’s calm and collected

you’re more bubbly and giggly enthusiastic

both of you are equally savage though

normally all you do is either hang out at his place or his studio

if you do go out then it’ll be at night, where it is typically quieter

you’ll go get a coffee or some food and just drive around, talking for ages and listening to music, time running away with you

so much sass omg

JUNG HOSEOK

Takes you shopping and judges your fashion choices

when he comes back from tour, he’ll have lots of gifts for you even though you always tell him not to bring you anything back

also if you used to be scared of loud noises well,, lets just say you’re not anymore

you’re used to his happy outbursts and sound effects

but you also know the other side to him that the public doesn’t see

ofc he’s not always going to be the happy, bubbly jhope you see through the cameras

he can truly be himself when he’s around you and he can relax

but when he is acting loud and chirpy he sort of rubs off on you

like your enthusiasm is fed by his enthusiasm

so good luck to those around you because they basically have to handle jhope x2

you get on so well with his family, especially his sister

with his sister being into clothes and fashion too, when you visit her with hoseok, she always compliments your outfits

and hobi will be smirking in the corner because (like i said above) he takes you shopping

and trust me, he would not let you leave that shop with ugly clothes

have you seen that man

he’s the fashion icon

so he takes full credit for every one of your outfits

always gets you to dance with him

he enjoys teaching you new BTS choreography

you’re both easily scared so if there’s a bug for example, the situation would go down like this

“Hobi you get rid of it!”

“No why should it be me? I think you should do it”

“No, i’m scared! You do it!”

“Y/N you’re closer to it, just do it!”

This arguing back and forth lasts for a few minutes until the bug flies/crawls away and you both run off screaming that its gonna attack you

so yeah, literally never a dull moment when Hoseok is your best friend!

KIM NAMJOON

Lowkey wants you both to match outfits but he would never ask you

could either be goofy with you or he’ll go completely psychological on your ass

there’s no in-between with Joon

You sometimes have to remind him that hes only human and reassure him he’s a great leader because I feel like he’d sometimes get in his own head and let the haters get to him, yknow?

You just gotta keep telling him he’s doing a great job and help him not let the stress get the better of him

You’re always there for him, supporting him

and he’s always there for you too

listens to all your problems

he gives the best advice

he’s also very protective of you

yknow when he clenches his jaw? or he raises one of his eyebrows? omg please tell me you know what i’m talking about well he’d do that if some one hurt you and he’d get hella mad

your family love him

they say he’s a very positive influence on you

he gets you to help him write lyrics because you’re his “muse”

he always convinces bighit to let you come on tour

even if he has to pay for you himself, you are coming

always leaves his broken stuff in your room

recommends you books to read (regardless of whether you actually like to read or not)

he is also the reason why you’re dirty minded

like forget expensive girl, have you ever heard ‘trouble’??

you’ll be with the other guys and you two just accidentally end up speaking English and the other guys are like..um hELLO?

PARK JIMIN

okay so I can imagine Jimin buying him and his best friend matching necklaces or something?

hear me out

its christmas day and Jimin passes you a small black box

inside is a necklace with a small key on it and engraved onto the key is “PJM 1995″ 

and you’re like “why have you gotten me a necklace with YOUR initials and birth year”

and then he shows you his necklace and it has your initials and your birth year

like this idea is so cute it makes me so soft sjweufbewjfn

will flirt with you just to make you laugh or maybe because he loves you or wHaTeVeR

he gives the best hugs

like BTS have already confirmed this in an interview

if you’re feeling down and need a hug, Jimin is your man 

he is always with you

and if he isn’t, then he is texting you

you guys are inseparable

if he gets drunk around you then you’re gonna have this clingy, sappy, emotional, koala of a man wrapped around you for the night because he will not leave your side even for a second

its cute tho

but that also means he has a hard time during tour because you are usually not there with him

always drags you to his family parties and such 

you love to go, and he knows you do, but you always whine when he asks you just to make him laugh 

his mom loves you!!

not gonna lie she ships you both and when you go see her, Jimin has to beg her not to say anything about it to you

he loves to rest his head on your shoulder and you like to do the same

G I G G L E S

If you mention how short he is then good luck because he’s gonna chase you down and tickle you until he hears an apology

not that he really cares though

he just jumps at any chance to see a smile on your face

KIM TAEHYUNG

personal hype man

his camera roll is full of pictures of you

hates it when you’re sad

if you’re sad then just letting you know you’re in for a treat

he would organise a sleepover and would aim to cheer you up for the entire night

you always laugh at his pingu impression 

you’re like Yeontan’s mom 

yeontan l o v e s you

you’ll go to Tae’s house and as soon as you open the door, yeontan will run straight to you 

you walk yeontan together at night whilst you share headphones listening to whatever’s on tae’s playlist

recommends you music because hands down this boy has the best taste in music FITE ME

He’s a big fan of skinship so people actually mistake you guys for a couple sometimes

plays with your hair all the time

your parents love him and treat him like he’s part of the family

your parents would genuinely love it if you two dated 

Tae doesn’t mind it when they ask you questions like

“so are you two together yet?”

but you get annoyed purely because you find it so embarrassing

Tae just laughs it off and makes a joke out of it

“no i could never date y/n because her feet smell”

if you need a hug, he’s there

and he’ll sway you side to side and by the end of it you’re laughing so much because he’s hella goofy and you love it

JEON JUNGKOOK

Bullies you all day everyday (but you know he’s only joking)

sends you memes when you both should be asleep

he definitely has a crush on you or at least he has had one at some point in time

doesn’t stop teasing you

he’s so competitive and has to prove he’s better than you in everything

likes to hug you from behind

eats steals your food

you constantly steal his hoodies and he gets annoyed

but he can’t stay mad at you for too long though

he lives for your compliments

though it normally ends up with you playfully hitting his chest when his ego grows a little too big

he is never serious with you

always has his arm around you, it’s like a habit

always stares at you 

always bursts into your room to hang out and then ends up sleeping in your bed

when he’s feeling cocky, he takes his shirt off and tries to make you feel his muscles

when he’s all sweaty from either going to the gym or dance practice, he makes it his mission to find you and get you to hug him while you’re screaming that he’s all sweaty and “gross”

the guys are convinced you two are dating

and Guk lowkey wishes you were but you didn’t hear that from me ;)

he wants you to play with his hair 24/7

being best friends with him means that, if you weren’t already into video games, then you definitely are now

[marsupials-of-mars]

Don't Lie to the Right Eye

Summary: A bunch of concepts I liked in one, Deceit hates Patton's dark light system but he knows his only chance to see Virgil is to find a way to appeal to Patton.

Patton felt bad. Incredibly bad. He might have gone as far as to say he felt entirely awful. A horrible sense of loss overwhelmed him. It was something he felt every now and then. He usually never did much about it but recently it had been more...unbearable...than usual. And of course, he entirely knew why he felt the way he did, though he pretended he didn't, pretended in a way that fooled even himself most if the time. But this time he had to confront it. Maybe not directly, maybe in the wrong way, a way that might not get him closure. But he'd already made up his mind. That was why he looked the way he did. Like Patton. He adjusted his cardigan so the sleeves alligned on his chest, checking in the mirror for any other abnormalities. He pushed his glasses up his nose, the last glint of gold in his eye dimming down into a baby blue. He shrugged his shoulders into a more loose, Patton-ish posture. He'd never done something like this before. But he'd also never felt this bad before, so it evened out. He took a deep breath and flashed himself a warm Patton smile in the mirror. It didn't help. It wasn't real. He felt the static build in his mind, threatening to escape through his waterline. That was okay wasn't it? He cried all the time. Patton cried all the time.

He turned on his heel and left the room, in search of his solution.

It was too bright upstairs, too shimmering. The blacks and purples of Virgil's door proved to be comforting under such a glaring light. Patton's fist raised, seemingly on instinct, as if he'd never been forbidden from ever approaching that door, forbidden from knocking on it for any reason. Though that made sense; Patton hadn't been forbidden from any of that. He knocked.

Virgil didn't answer at first, probably busy rupturing his eardrums with MCR. Patton grabbed the doorknob. Virgil loved him, Virgil wouldn't yell at him for coming in uninvited. Not when he was a member of his REAL family. He tugged open the door and stepped in. He was immediately flooded with comfort; the darkness, the the dread, the Virgil scent. Pattons tongue flicked out instinctually to draw it in more, but he managed to quell the urge before Virgil turned around. He pulled his headphones off.

"Patton? You good? Did you need something?"

Patton took a breath. Virgils voice was calm, kind. No tension, no annoyance, no anger. "I... can we-" He grabbed the loose sleeves of his cardigan and squeezed his eyes shut. "Can we cuddle?"

He opened one eye, hesitantly. Surely he'd be found out, surely Virgil wouldn't... His train of though was cut short. Virgil was smiling. Virgil was SMILING at him. Relaxed, unafraid, not hidden behind a hand, honest and caring. And Patton couldn't hold it anymore. He cried, a flood of suppressed tears escaping in a single disgusting sob. He threw his hands over his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to cut it out. Tears of happiness surely, because Virgil never smiled like that with the Darks. Because clearly his new family was better for him, because clearly he was so much happier here. And Patton was his new family. So he sobbed, with horrible, horrible joy.

"Woah, what happened?!" Virgil ran to his side and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "Cmon, sit down." He led Patton to the bed and sat him down, letting him lean into his chest. Patton buried his face in Virgil's hoodie and let him pet his hair. "Talk to me pops."

"I don't know if I want to..." Patton muttered, muffled by hoodie.

"That's fine. But crying like that... it seems like you've been holding something in. And you know what happens when you hold things in." He sounded concerned but stern, a tone he used to so commonly hear directed toward himself.

Patton's lip quivered. "You're so good at that."

"Hm? At what?"

"Being mature like that, you weren't like that... before." He stopped himself from saying what he really meant. That Virgil wasn't like that with his old family. His family of bad influences. "I'm... so proud of you Virge."

Virgil smiled. "I know. You say that all the time."

Patton sat up and layed his hands on Virgil's shoulders. He met his eyes.

"I mean it. It's not a throwaway line. I don't want to oversaturate it. I'm so INCREDIBLY proud. Everyone is. Everyone."

Virgil scoffed and averted his eyes. "Not everyone. I know a couple sides who are pretty disappointed with how I turned out. Not like I'd care to please them."

Patton shook his head and his stare grew more intense. "They might not say it. But I'm sure they are. They may be incredibly upset with you for some of your choices, but they do care."

Virgil huffed a laugh out his nose. "You really do like to see the best in people don't you Pat?"

Patton groaned internally. He did see the best in people, when he couldn't afford to. He hated to be agreeing with himself on that point. "It's what I do, isn't it?" He flinched at the words. "I think despite your differences, despite their... unpleasantness, they want the best for you."

Virgil groaned and leaned back. "I dunno. Why are you bringing them up now?" He seemed to realize something. He sat upright. "Did they do something to you? Did HE do something to you? Is that why you're crying?!"

"No no no! I'm just emotional, I get that way sometimes don't I? Mushy Patton feelings." His right eye twitched at the lie. Virgil didn't seem to notice. "I've just been thinking a lot. About you. About how much you've changed, how much you've grown... it's spectacular."

Virgil relaxed a little. "I dunno. I'm still laps behind you guys... yknow. With the goodness."

Patton felt rage build in him. "Is that how we make you feel?! Like you're lesser than?! Because why? Because you're dark?"

"I WAS dark. I'm light. But yknow, like... what's better for my ego? Being a nearly good dark side? Or a barely good light side?"

Pattons face was red. Was this how he felt? Because of the lights? Because of Patton? Because of his stupid good bad system? Patton growled and crumpled his khakis in his fists.

Virgil looked to his white knuckles and back up to his eyes, now shaded with tension.

"You're acting... off. Are you sure this isn't something bigger?"

"I want you to feel better, I want you to like yourself! I want to be there for you like I haven't been, I-" He stopped himself from saying what he really wanted to. That he missed Virgil. So much. That he was sorry.

"What do you mean you haven't been?! Patton you're amazing!"

"I am NOT! I'm a fraud, you think I make you feel better but I DON'T!" His eye twitched and he slapped a hand over it. "Forget it. Forget I was ever here. I'm fine."

Virgil held out his hand but Patton dodged it. "Patton wait, where are you-"

"This was a bad idea!" And Patton left the room in a rush, before he could screw anything else up. Bad idea. It was all a horrible idea to start with. He quickened his pace down the hall toward the basement door. He turned the corner fast enough for the soles of his shoes to squeak against the hardwood, and quick enough that he didn't see what was in front of him until it was too late. He rammed full speed into a side, falling backward with a grunt. He looked up, and he looked back down at himself. PATTON looked back down at him.

"Oh, pardon me Patton!" He reached a hand down to help but paused. "Wait... something's fishy here..."

Patton panicked. His features flickered, the gold in his eye reestablishing its place over the baby blue, and scales rippling their way back up through his flesh. He lifted a hand to the brim of his hat, now once again present, to straighten it. He managed to quell his panic to reestablish his cunning, to partial success.

"Deceit?! What are you doing up here?!" Patton crossed his arms.

"Just paying my..." He looked up from under the brim if his hat, his eyes blinking back to baby blue. He fluttered innocent, paternal puppy dog eyes. "KIDDO... a visit. Is there a problem?"

Patton seemed unsettled. He subtly averted his eyes, but managed to hold his ground. "Yeah there's a problem! Virgil doesn't want to see you, and that doesnt mean trick him into thinking it's not you!"

"I just wanted to see him, I wouldn't hurt a hair on his head I hope you know that. Purely therapeutic, no harm no foul."

"There was harm! Dishonesty is harm!" Patton grabbed Deceit's arm. Deceit drew in a breath and managed to keep from hissing. Patton softened his grip and calmed down, though still stern. "I can take you back to the basement if you don't want to go yourself."

Deceit narrowed his eyes. "Oh you want to go to the basement? Let's go then." He yanked his arm out of Patton's hold and quickly seized his shoulders, gripping him around the torso with two other sets of arms. Patton yelped but barely had time to squirm before he was yanked down into a tunnel of darkness, falling down, down, finally appearing in a dark stone cell.

Patton huffed, scrambling out of Deceit's hold as he released him.

"Where are we?! Is this prison...?"

Deceit let out a dry chuckle. "You'd think..."

He breathed in the humid, terrarium air.

"Why am I here? What are you going to do?!" Patton stepped back when Deceit turned to him, tripping over a snake enclosure and nearly tipping it on its side.

"Careful!" Deceit hissed, falling to his knees to make sure nothing was broken. "I'm not going to do anything to you, I just can't have you running off to Virgil before we've had a little chat."

"I have nothing to say to you. You're a bully, and I dont associate with bullies." Patton crossed his arms and turned up his nose.

"Oh, am I a 'bully' now?" Deciet drawled. "Tell me what I've done. Have I made Virgil feel inferior in the arbitrary faction I created? Have I turned him against you through my radical black and white beliefs? Have I denied you a platform to reconcile because of the extremist values of those beliefs? Have I torn apart your family in pursuit of my personal values? Though I suppose that's a bit worse than bullying when you lay it all out..."

Patton blinked. "Is... are you saying that I did all that?"

Deceit rolled his eyes. "No, of course not, clearly, you aren't the bully." His right eye fluttered.

Patton stammered. "But- but that's- it's different! You want him to be bad!"

Deceit clapped his hands together and grinned. "And there we have it! Exactly what I'm talking about! What is 'bad'? What about me is 'bad'? What about US is 'bad' according to your system?"

Patton pushed himself up off the floor. Deceit straightened himself as he was forced to acknowledge the height difference between them. He managed to keep himself from reflexively hissing so he could keep at least his metaphorical higher ground.

"Dishonesty hurts Thomas and the people around him! And all the other darks do too! That's my system, to do what's right for everyone!"

"And who says that what we do isn't 'right'? And doesn't protect Thomas and his friends? Are you really so self absorbed to think that your own view of right and wrong is what's 'right for everyone'?!"

"I am NOT self absorbed! I put myself last whenever I can for my family, for the people I care about, dont you DARE call me self absorbed!" Patton's character seemed to have shifted in an instant, red and furious, so violently that Deceit couldn't help but shrink in on himself the slightest bit.

"Well if you aren't, you wouldn't be so opposed to hearing me out, accepting criticism, because if you're confident in your morals you'd be sure I'd say nothing to change your mind anyway." He calmly examined his gloved fingertips. Patton scoffed.

"I wouldn't mind hearing your side of the story if you wanted to tell me, but you never do, you're always so secretive or completely dishonest. I dont think you even have the ability to be honest. You could be lying right now!"

Deceit laughed humorlessly. "Oh could I now?" He clasped his fingers under his chin. "Am I lying?"

"Yes! And you never cooperate, you don't try to be better, you want it your way or nothing and a compromise would never be good enough!"

"OH! Wouldn't it?!"

Patton paused a moment. "Yknow I think this is a conversation but you're kinda just repeating what I'm saying and I'm not quite sure your angle-"

"I don't compromise! My way or nothing! How wrong of me! How wrong of me to be so dastardly as to take it MY WAY OR NOTHING." Deceit grit his teeth and pulled his hat off, brushing his hair off his right temple. With a touch of his hand a thin metallic device rose to reveal itself from his skin. "You think I'd leave Virgil here with no attempts to get him back? You think I haven't realized that trying to force him dark is wrong? He doesnt want to be dark! And he believes in your system for the time being, so what do I have to do? I have to be 'better', I have to cater to your rules, and I've figured that out finally, because if I cant teach you my side I have to bow to yours! So I'm being 'better'! Just like you want!"

Patton blinked in confusion. "What is that? I don't understand..."

Deceit grabbed Pattons hand and placed his palm against the device on his temple.

"You think this is all a lie? Think I've been manipulating all of this? I can show you you're wrong."

Patton tried to pull his hand away but Deceit held firm.

"Let's see what happens when I, DECEIT, dare to follow my nature." He took a breath. "Ask me something."

Patton gulped. "Um... what's your favorite... color?"

Deciet narrowed his eyes and looked Patton up and down. "Blue."

Patton yelped as he felt it. Deceit knew Patton felt it because he felt it too, a piercing electric pulse into his temple, a zap that made his right eye flutter and water and made his his jaw tense and grit together. He drew in a sharp breath and squeezed his eyes shut.

"What was-?!" Patton tried to pull away but Deceit wouldnt budge.

"You think I don't care about Virgil and you're RIGHT! You think I love being the bad guy and I DO! I LOVE being talked over every time I show up, how I LOVE never getting a point across because who would listen to the villain, I want to cause HARM!"

Patton was near tears, trying to pull his hand off the electrode, the muscles in his wrist tensing spastically with each shock. But Deceit knew he could take it. After all, Deceit had taken it into the skull for months now, time and time again, and he never cried. He learned.

"I ADORE how my family has been ripped apart, It was the RIGHT choice to make on Virgils part, I'm sure the way you treat the lot of us 'darks' WASN'T manipulative to his choices in any way!" His breaths were short and his nails dug into Patton's wrist out of his own pain, but he persisted. "I WISH we could all be happy lights making Thomas's life all fluffy and fun! And I'm ASHAMED of who I am! I'm ASHAMED of the family I have, and the choices I've made, the only thing I'm PROUD of is letting Virgil leave me for your doctrine! I HATE MYSELF! And I DESERVE this!"

"STOP IT! DECEIT, STOP RIGHT NOW!" Patton was in tears, having given up trying to pull away and now simply gripping his wrist as if it would dull the pain. Deceit complied, dropping his hand to wipe his watering right eye.

Patton cradled his hand against his chest and took deep, shaking breaths.

"So what do you say? Did it look like I was lying?"

Patton sank to the floor and drew his legs up to his chest. He quickly shook his head, burying his face in his knees.

"Aw cmon, don't be pathetic." Deceit couldn't help feel a little joy upon regaining his height advantage.

"I... I'm sorry..." Patton mumbled through his knees. "I don't want... I just..." He sniffed, his breathing quick and jagged. "I want Thomas to be good... I want everyone to be happy and good... I dont want good people to be sad. That's not fair."

"Who constitutes as a good person? What's the criteria? Because to me it seems like you want us, the villains, the bad parts of Thomas... to bury it all down or never show ourselves. Would I be a bad person? Maybe you dont like lying, maybe you don't like lost of the things I do, but why would I be here if Thomas isn't bad? It's how you perceive us. You'd never call yourself a perfect person, and I wouldn't say that I've always done the right thing. There's a spectrum to things. Some people are more bad than others, but they've got merit. Some people are overall pretty sweet and kind, but oh how they've made mistakes."

Patton listened with a mix of curiosity and shame. "But... that's my job, to say yes or no, to place things here and there, good and bad... how should I know when to draw that line?"

Deceit shrugged. "You're morality, not me. You just have to know when to consider rather than stand your ground. Critical thinking, I know Logan talks about it all the time."

"Am I... am I bad? For doing it wrong?" Patton looked up at Deceit. It took every ounce of willpower not to say yes.

"You're morality. Not me. You're the judge. But I'd say up here in Thomas's mind, it's best if we got along. The world it tough enough to sort out isn't it? So let's make it a bit easier in here. How about you sort ideas, not sides?"

Patton took a few deep breaths. "That'll be... different."

"It will be. But a judge makes tough decisions. And that means the most important ones."

Patton gulped. "I don't... I don't want to make important decisions. I don't trust myself."

"You can ask for help. The heart's good for a lot of things, but you can't do it all." Deceit was amazed to have gotten this far, but he wasn't backing down.

Patton thought for a long moment. He nodded. "That sounds better... but I'll need some time. Me and everyone else. This is... big."

Deceit reached up to the electrode and grasped it with his fingertips. "So, I'll try not to cause trouble within the mind... IF you let me... US...contribute to the discussion."

Patton looked up at Deceits fingers on the device. "Yeah, just... please take that off. I don't care if you white lie up here I just don't... i don't want you hurt because I screwed up what I wanted from you."

Deceit sighed in relief and wasted no time plucking it off and crushing it in his fist.

"That thing... on your temple... it must've been awful." Patton grabbed Deceits arm as he offered it and stood himself up.

Deceit rubbed the patch of skin where it had been.

"Nah... it wasn't so bad." And he smiled at the wonderful absence of a shock

[unproduciblesmackdown]

brought to you by talking a lot abt kleinsen and getting the unexpected gift of deh-livetweeting:

shoutout to thinking about and being overwhelmed by how canon kleinsen is

jared seeking evan out in the hallway on the first day of school and making a deliberate Entrance like the insanely cool & funny guy he totally is dude

standing like one whole foot away (if that) from evan and listening intently to evan’s full rendition of his weird summer

just take hold of your bro’s shoulder

This.

wink and finger gun @ ur bro

Wink And Finger Gun At Your Bro

sharing his secrets for “not telling the truth” w/evan

offering, unprompted, to help w evan’s email situation

how much fun jared has writing the emails with evan. for a task that doesn’t benefit jared directly at all (save $20 we don’t even Know if he got) he’s real into it beyond what a chance to crack some jokes at evan should inspire.

jared being awful earnest about The Love One Man Feels For Another being Quite Beautiful and really seeming to want to go the “secret boyfriends” route

not to mention the pre-broadway lines calling evan cute as a freakin button and saying if one of them cries it makes the other cry. oh and the “it’s very heterosexual” thing

how much of the email exchange jared is writing himself. the inspirational refrain. and, arguably, basically all of connor’s emails

how unfiltered evan is with jared in the sincerely me scene....in a way you never see him be around anyone else...the parts of him that “aren’t nice” that he thinks other ppl wouldn’t like...hhhgh its fine

jared being enthusiastically drawn into the dynamic he’s just created of An Intimate And Openly Communicative Relationship Between Evan And His Best Friend. hmm!!!

jared asking for evan’s attention Hey Asshole Aren’t Ya Gonna Say Anything

evan knows jared was Supporting him for the sake of supporting him or he wouldn’t’ve asked jared if he’d wanna get behind the connor project stuff

seriously. jared does wayyyyyy too much shit for evan even if he DID get that twenty bucks

the dramatic Turn To Look Directly At Evan during “from across the silence your voice is heard.” i know alana does it too but those two always have differing as well as shared motivations for doing the same shit

the Exchanged Touch in obc ywbf

jared calling the Intimate And Openly Communicative Relationship Between Evan And His Best Friend he’s still rp-ing “adorably heartwarming” and this time outright trying to insert himself into the idea.

three seconds after trying to make evan jealous he switches gears entirely to try to grab on to a different approach at lightning speed saying he’ll help w the kickstarter more if evan wants. then only resorting to “remember why i’m unavoidably important here” Scathingly Accurate Criticism when evan brushes that off too

actually letting go of that resentment to once again take a different approach, being Into his invitation for evan to hang out

again, have they done this before? just hung out and got smashed together? cuz they may have

not even getting mad this time when evan brushes him off. just disappointed. his Scathing Criticisms arent delivered with any of the energy / sarcasm of earlier scenes. he’s just fuckin Sad in this exchange

jared Specifically being taken aback by seeing zoe kiss evan. and fleeing the scene for the second time in the play even

tho this time he’s. just fuckin Sad. preview of what’ll happen in gfy honestly

when gfy happens and it’s really the only time you don’t see jared back down or try to deescalate

jared being so upset / desperate to get evan to care about him again that he’s directly going the “you HAVE to care about me for practical/strategic reasons” route since the other routes didn’t work

jared also being desperate to say why evan should care about him (which is: because he cares about evan) but not being able to directly say it cuz that’s jared for you. you just get You should remember who your FRIENDS ARE and SO and I Could tell EVERYONE EVERYTHING

running away from his feelings again & the fact that evan basically told jared he knows jared actually does cares abt him b/c he’s jared’s only friend & showing jared that that’s not enough to make evan wanna keep him around. jared running away like he did when zoe comes over and kisses evan. its very heterosexual

jared’s pretty upset for a guy who’s not in love with evan

crying during gfy

crying...during gfy.....

Jared Is Canonically Heartbroken

how jared feels like he’s been Played if he didn’t think evan knowingly took advantage of his investment in evan

how jared feels that Crushed if he wasn’t in love with evan

crying during gfy

you think that is the last gay thing jared does but yknow what else he does. is Not Tell Anyone What He Knows abt the truth re: evan and the connor project. even after being so hurt and angry at evan and them never reconciling. keeping his secret

evan: “wow i wish there was someone who knew what i’m really like and still loved me but thats impossible” /// jared: *is literally right there*

evan: “time to realize the value in all the imperfect sources of support i overlooked / considered inadequate before, not to mention at least partway resolve all these conflicts from good for you” /// jared: *is literally right there*

jared is right there

jared repeatedly being like “hahaahahaha bet ur having so much fun making out w zoe” and then sees zoe politely kiss evan and is Upset

canon heartbreak

kleinsen

seriously...jared spending most of the play trying to break into evan’s Idealized Concept Of A Close Relationship. ok.

jared is in love with evan. thx

and that’s my essay

[howlingwind]

01. what’s your name/alias you go by ??

my name is jeff !! lmfao (i don’t let memes die) it’s not my real name but i’ve gone by cody on tumblr for a long time

02. what’s your age ??

twenty. jfc i’m old. but also apparently a fetus??

03. what’s your zodiac sign ??

aries, which couldn’t feel further from correct lmfao

04. what’s your ethnicity ??

uhh mostly italian & sicilian, but you could probably point to any white place in europe and i’ll have a little bit of that in me. i’m also 1/16th native american but it’s such a small amount and sadly i don’t even know which tribe to learn more about them.

05. what’s your nationality ??

‘murican

06. what’s your favorite band and/or musical artist ??

i’m super indecisive about everything, so it’s difficult for me to pick faves (as you’ll see in a sec) but… mac miller,  post malone, johnny cash, eminem, tenacious d, colter wall, kehlani, bruno mars, snoop dogg, elvis presley, justin timberlake, sublime, the rolling stones, etc etc there’s probably a lot i’m forgetting tho. i like most types of music except country. well, modern country anyway.

07. what’s your dream job ??

uh, i don’t have one? i mean yeah, i’d love to be a writer, or game dev, or a narrative director on a game, or direct, write, or act in movies or television, but like…i could live without any of that stuff. i just want to make a decent living, be able to own a house, not completely hate my job. yknow, not a glamorous life but a good one.

08. what’s one place you would love to visit ??

idk there’s a lot of places i’d like to go, but i’d most like to visit alpha centauri, even tho that’ll never happen lol

09. what’s your favorite tv show ??

i can’t pick that! but i love a lot of shows. general hospital, lucifer, the 100, supernatural, stranger things, izombie, south park, legends of tomorrow, once upon a time, arrow (at times), dragon ball, big brother, riverdale, chilling adventures of sabrina, that 70′s show, the ranch, umm… i could probably keep listing forever.

10. what’s your favorite movie ??

hmmmm, again i’ve got a list but… joe dirt, the new guy, why him, the waterboy, 50 first dates, all the spider-man movies, thor ragnarok, man of steel, 21 jump street, 22 jump street ,and a fuckton more lol 

11. what’s your favorite song ??

constantly in flux, but the current faves are — creep by radiohead, stay by post malone, no below by speedy ortiz, unshaken by d’angelo, cruel cruel world by willie nelson, wanksta by 50 cent, shooter by lil wayne & robin thicke, stressed out by 21 pilots, self care by mac miller (along with practically everything on his final album), and i will always, un-ironically love only in america by riff raff. he’s not the greatest ever but that song is hilarious and always puts me in a good mood.

12. what’s your favorite sport ??

can i say rocket league? lol

13. what’s your favorite food ??

pizza, unquestionably. cereal is a damn close second tho. or pot stickers. damn, i’m hungry… 

14. what’s your favorite face claim to use ??

typically, i’ve always really liked using paul wesley, chris wood, and matt daddario. i’m using lindsey morgan for the first time now though, and i really like her as an fc too.

15. what’s your least favorite face claim ??

to use?? um pretty much any singer or model just bc their resources aren’t too great. i really didn’t enjoy using pete davidson as much as i thought i would, either lol

to see… uh probs emma roberts or andy biersack. emma for obvs reasons but also bc i once had a really bad experience with people using those fcs. idm people using whoever they feel like using tho.

16. what’s your favorite character of yours to play ?? which do you think you’re most like ??

oh man, uhh i really enjoy writing chrissy & theo. they both speak to me. but tbh i’m not much like any of my characters? i’m boring af so i tend not to make any like me lol. i am kinda like theo in the sense that i’m quiet, and really just try to be a good person. other than that i’m most like jason solely based on the fact we’re both human lol

17. what’s your sexuality ??

danversexual. attracted only to fictional danvers women, examples including carol, kara, and alex danvers.

lmfao but nah i’m just a boring straight boy. well, like 99.9% straight. jensen ackles makes me question shit.

18. what’s the last movie you saw in a cinema/theater ??

captain marvel (thanks to dani lol). only two months late but it was worth the experience haha.

19. what’s the worst injury you’ve ever had ??

thankfully i’ve never really hurt myself too terribly except for a broken wrist, but between the ages of 10-17 i’d occasionally hurt my back by sitting weird, usually in an attempt to play video games without the glasses i desperately needed lol. once when i was like 11 i laid belly down on the couch with my elbows up on the arm of it for like three hours, which messed me up for days, then a few other times i hurt myself, but another bad one when i was 17, i had my back curved while sitting and propping my laptop up on my knee, tried to move and literally just cried, crawled on the floor, and laid there all night until i forced myself to move in the morning. lol luckily it hasn’t happened since i lost a little weight.

20. what’s a random or interesting fact about you ??

uhm, nothing? i literally can’t think of one, i’m dull af. i uh.. i replaced my own cpu cooler once? lmfao

21. do you listen to music while you write ??

sometimes. a lot of time i just like the silence or ambient background noise, but if i’ve got a fitting playlist for the vibe of what i’m trying to write, i’ll use it!

22. are you a morning, day, evening, or night writer ??

i’m a never writer, apparently v___v but lol ideally a night writer, my best work is between the hours of 12am & 4am, but my sleeping schedule is so inconsistent, and so is my dad’s who spends literally every waking moment of his telling me different stuff he wants done, so it’s tough to hit that sweet spot. i write whenever i get a chance tho.

23. have you ever roleplayed intoxicated ??

lol nah i’ve never even had a drink. like what teenager doesn’t have a drink at some point?? i told you i’m lame.

24. what language or languages do you speak ??

english, barely. and assassin’s creed 2 taught me some italian swears. and ac: odyssey has had me occasionally dropping “malaka” bombs since the day i first played it haha.

25. how long have you roleplayed ??

officially, about 9 years. i started at 11 on myspace, rping dragon ball z stuff. but basically about 12 years, if you count how from the ages of 8-11 i’d put an anime pic up on my myspace, pretend i was older, and talk to roleplayers i didn’t realize were roleplayers lmfao.

26. favorite roleplay genre ??

i like pretty much anything, tbh. as long as it’s well thought out, has an interesting plot, or whatever. sometimes it doesn’t even need that, it just needs to catch my eye or line up with something i’m looking for. but yeah, supernatural, multi-fandom, sci-fi, romance, town rps, high school/college rps, anime rp (well, pokemon mostly), harry potter… i’ve done it all tbh and don’t particularly have a favorite.

27. one sound you hate & one you love ??

the sound of cotton stretching is the absolute worst thing to me. or scratching cotton. idk, it just sends chills up and down my spine and makes my hands feel weak lmfao. i’m weird. i really love the sound of rain, or fire crackling, or like “ambient” harp or ukulele music.

28. do you believe in ghosts ??

short answer, yes. long answer… i’m pretty sure i was friends with a ghost girl as a kid?? like no joke, even looking back at it through rational “adult” eyes, i’m still convinced. my fam moved into a new apartment, and pretty much right after that i started having dreams about a girl my age at the time (11-12). i’d never seen her before but the dreams would be like just conversations, like i was visiting a friend or something. i don’t remember them much, but i do remember the feeling of someone else in my room all the time, like you know how if someone else is around you just know even if you’re not looking at them? like that. there was even one night i was getting in bed, laid there a minute, and then i could have absolutely sworn somebody came in the room and sat down next to me on the bed because i felt the bed sink a little under their weight, but i looked and no one was there. i had a really vivid conversation/dream/thing that night. then a few nights later, for the first time since moving there i didn’t have one. the next morning my dad was really freaked out and said he fell asleep in the chair, but woke up and couldn’t breathe, and felt cold little hands over his mouth. he rationalized it as just waking up from a nightmare but i didn’t think so, so that night when i went to sleep and saw her i got really upset, yelled at her for it, and woke up right after. then i never saw or heard anything even remotely similar again, like she left or disappeared or something. it’s so weird, and i know how crazy it sounds, but yeah. don’t get me started on the topic of ghosts lmfao. THEN AGAIN, like a year later we had a carbon monoxide scare, but i really doubt the two were related because that would mean there was an entire year that we were breathing it in and the monitor didn’t do anything lol

29. do you believe in aliens ??

no alien story, thankfully, but it just makes no sense not to believe in them to me. like, we probably don’t have them on earth, and we’ve probably never encountered any, but it’s as close as you can get to a mathematical certainty that there’s some other life out there in the universe.

30. do you believe in true love ??

like, people who are just meant for each other, like romantic soulmates? nah not really. but i believe that two people can grow to truly love one another. whether it’s based off an initial attraction/infatuation, or a friendship, or both. i’d actually argue that’s a simple explanation of the biological science behind the feeling of love, but that’s an essay i’m not gonna write lol. but there’s apparently a lot of different types of love, so i guess “true love” is suggestive? 

also slightly unrelated but i don’t-quite-believe-in-but-am-open-to-the-idea-of soulmates, not necessarily as two souls who are just meant for each other romantically and always end up together, but more as two or more souls that gravitate toward each other to make up the important people in each other’s lives, like family members, lovers, or close friends. but that’s more of a theoretical idea/possibility than an actual belief of mine.

31. do you hold grudges ??

um, yes. lol i try not to, and i really do want everyone to be their best/happiest selves, but some people man… some people can take a long walk off a short pier lmao

32. do you have any obsessions right now ??

PO KE MON GOTTA CATCH EM ALLLLL. also… life is strange (thanks dani lol). supernatural. stranger things (thanks dani & steph) the 100 / clexa / becho  (thanks steph). lucifer. captain marvel (thanks dani). the song “creep” by radiohead and all its covers (tom ellis, haley reinhart, etc). cyberpunk 2077 (thanks dani). as you can see, i’m easily influenced lmfao.

33. do you drive & if so, have you ever been in a crash ??

nope i don’t drive, precisely because i’d definitely end up in a crash lol

34. do you like the smell of gasoline ??

uh that’s a big fat no from me, chief

35. do you prefer writing fluff, angst, or smut ??

i like it all equally, i think. i just really like writing & rp in general. i did run a smut rp once in the past tho. it gets old quick tbh and is the one of the three i can live without lol

36. are you in a relationship ??

bahahahahahahaha no.

37. grab the nearest book to you and turn to page 23, what is the 17the line ??

❝  “and why would that be?” kronos’s golden eyes glittered.  ❞

— the last olympian by rick riordan.

38. put your playlist on shuffle and list the first four songs that pop up:

1. season of the witch – donovan 2. riot van – arctic monkeys 3. busta rhymes – qveen herby 4. der kommissar – after the fire

also i gotta cheat because it’s too perfect that the next two are

5. stay – mac miller (one of my favorites ever that i forgot to mention above) 6. only in america – riff raff (i just love this ok. the video is hilarious but tw james franco for those that don’t like him)

[prompt-master]

A DBH fic where Connor gets whumped up an electrocuted! The worst part about Hank's job was when they're a deviant and they ran away. Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to be a human dude and run after a God Damn robot? Sure, Connor always charged after the android without any hesitation and was more than capable of keeping up with them, but that didn't help Hank at all emotionally. It just stressed him out, if his hair wasn't gray before it would be now. Any time Connor runs after those things he always thinks he's gonna end up dead somehow. And now there's no Cyberlife to trust with relating Connor let alone getting the kid an entire new body.

This case was no different from his fears. In fact it'd completely shocked Hank down to his bones. This time instead of the usual schitque, the deviant was hacked by another human at an attempt for a no energy, no risk break in. The owner of the android had called in asking for help, as the android was acting weird and taking everything, only to be cut off with a bullet to the back of her head.

Connor and Hank, yeah Hank can help too ok they're a DUO, quickly figured out after a search of the Android's room that there was someone else controlling him. Using the signal, Connor narrowed down the location of the hacker to an apartment down the block. But the second they were in the apartment? The Android greeted them. Out of shock Hank had shot him in the arm when it attacked, but he quickly recovered and shoved them both, jumping off the damn second floor balcony and booking it.

"Mother fucker-" He cut his upset rant off when Connor perched himself over the rails of the balcony, "You're not going after him are ya?!"

Connor looked down to where Hank had grabbed his arm, LED yellow and red. He looked back to where the deviant was running, "No time. I can't let him get away. Find the hacker" and with that he shoved Hank off of him and jumped down, giving way to the rush of chase.

Hank continued to swear. There was no way he'd be able to follow them, so he supposed Connor was right just...look for the hacker. Well except that the entire apartment was abandoned. Figures a top notch hacker like that was too smart to hack in their actual house. But...just dumb enough to leave their laptop on. Or rushed out too quickly...

The laptop blinked to life when he poked it, it was an old thing, one Hank used in his college days when androids were just starting to be designed. Now yeah Hank wasn't exactly...tech savvy. That was Connor's job. But he could at least tell that this wasn't the hacking computer...BUT it DID have a tracker for the deviant on it...

And if he followed it by car...he could help Connor!

Hank hopped into his old ass car, laptop down in the middle of his dashboard, and popped up his handy dandy police siren. He just needed a point in which he could cut them off, or even better block their path.

Soon the deviant was running up the street ahead of Hank, he stepped flat down on the gas. If he waited for just the the right moment...he could cut it off in a place where Connor would block it from the turn behind it.

He skidded sideways, blocking off the road. The android was running near him, but stumbled to a stop when he saw the car. The android was shocked, scared, LED bright red. And even worse his chest was open, wires bright and sparking in his face.

He looked at Hank, hands shaking as they fumbled with the chest plate, "please- please help me I'm not doing any of this please I-" he was cut off as his voice sparked off like an old tv.

Connor must be right behind the deviant as planned, because next he heard "Give it up! You're corned, let the android go!"

Hank stepped out the car with his gun, because sure the android wasn't doing anything on his own freewill but you never knew what could happen next in this line of work. He stepped into the dirty mud that reminded him just how much he hated this side of town. Connor had chased the android all the way into the bad side of town, the road they stood on wasn't paved, trash was thrown askew all over the place and his shoes just felt gross as they sunk into the sticky mud.

Hank aimed his gun, "stand down"

The android looked at Hank, then at Connor. It looked like he was trying to talk, but nothing, not even a little bit of static, sounded out. His hand rose shakily, causing Hank to step closer and unlock the safety on his gun, "Don't reach for a weapon scumbag!"

But the android didn't stop, instead he ripped out the wires from under his open chest, the android now beginning to cry.

Hank stumbled back in shock from the sparks that rose and snapped at his legs "oh my god!"

Connor now rounded over to the front, now that the android was too compromised to run far, "the hacker is destroying the evidence! We have to stop it!" Connor grabbed at the Androids hands which were still trying to rip itself apart. But the deviant still had some struggle in it, and despite Hank wanting to help, the sparks prevented him from helping. Connor could withstand smaller shocks like these.

Hank could only keep yelling at Connor to stop as he fought the dying android. The thing was still strong, a lot of its connections were completely broken so it could only use one arm, but the other arm that stayed in tact had a mean punch to it, it split open Connor's jaw, a blue bruising already flushing across his cheek. Hank didn't even know androids could bruise. The blue blood must be leaking in his face. But it was getting weaker, and Connor threw it to the ground.

Connor briefly looked at the colorful array of bruises and cuts patterned blue up his face and arms with a frown. Even his abdomen was sliced open from the chest board that the android had ripped off of itself and stabbed him with. Pain was still a new foreign feeling to him. But damn everything stung now that he had a chance to think about it. He shouldn't have gotten this hurt in a fight against a DYING android, but he wanted to save him. He didn't deserve to die because he was being controlled. Connor held his bleeding abdomen with one hand, and went to help him to his feet, hoping to fix up it's wires somehow.

"Connor no!! Don't move!"

"What?"

But it was too late, Connor stepped into the puddle that the android was laying in, exposed wires down. It had just looked like another muddy spot but it was so much worse. Connor braced himself against the wall of a house next to him as electricity ran up and down his body, his vision black and static and panicked. He had to run the course until the android ran out of its last bits of electricity. His body stiff, and his mouth open in a loud broken scream.

Hank covered his ears when he heard the noise his partner was emitting. Gurgling, scraping, grinding, grating, sharp and mechanical. He looked over to see the Android leaning on a wall with on arm, another that was moving from its place resting on his abdomen to hold onto his neck in an attempt soothe his now burning trachea. A globby puddle of Thirium was at the Android's feet, and saline dripped from his lips and nose. Hank felt his eyes widen at the sight. Connor visibly shook and in his vision displayed a low Thirium warning, he felt like he was about to heave again... but that would bring him too close to having none of the blue substance that kept him alive.

"Connor..." Hank mumbled in shock, slowly uncovering his ears and unable to stop looking at the way Connor's eyes were twitching and fluttering. Unable to stay open like a broken toy, eyes rolling around strangly under the glitching lids. "Connor oh my god!!"

Connor stumbled stiffly out of the the puddle and collapsed onto the ground with a grunt. He was still twitching and shaking, hands shaking over his face in shock at how much was dripping out of his body. Just all fading away. His vision was somehow black and white and mixed with all the wrong colors at the same time. Things fading in and out. He was losing feeling in his right leg.

Hank was suddenly in his face, dragging him closer to the car. But Connor couldn't focus on him, all he could do was focus on how he could still feel the over load of electricity inside him, how his eyes twitched way too much to even look at Hank correctly. He was breathing weirdly and strangly, he felt sick to his stomach. Was he dying? Oh god. It hurt every where, pins and needles up his body, his broken jaw felt like it was gonna fall off.

"H.....h-hank...."

Hank winced at how helpless Connor sounded, "it's ok son, you're gonna be ok, we're gonna get you help you hear?" He was grabbing his phone, to call the police station for back up and a mechanic.

"Just breathe Connor you're ok"

"I-i don't...don't need to breathe."

"Then what's that weird ass noise you're making?"

Connor licked his lips where saline was running from his nose, "I'm- I believe I am going to be sick"

"Oh shit" Hank grabbed Connor and lifted him into a half sitting position, leaning him over so he didn't get all sick over himself. But Connor continued to make the pained breathy noise, "c'mon Connor just get it over with dammit"

"I-I I cannot" he shook. Oh god everything hurt. He's gonna die here. Oh god. He can't die like this not when he jist started to feel like what it was like to feel whay it was like to love a father.

"Why the fuck not Connor?!" Hank was freaking out. He knew nothing about this shit. He should really read up on am android manual or something.

Connor felt thick thirium trying to run up his throat and forced it back down, nearly choking on it. His lips stained blue from the force of it. "I-if I expel that amount of thirium t-then I won't..." He couldn't finish talking, feeling too weak. He leaned into Hank and tried to grab his hand but he was too shaky and uncoordinated.

Hank grabbed his hand and squeezed tightly, "shit." He laid Connor on his back, "ok so don't throw up. But don't- yknow don't choke on thirium either. Fuck. Fucking shit. It's ok help is on the way, kid. How can I help you I don't know what to do"

Connor shook his head, "I have 8 minuetes until shut down, 1 if I throw u-up" Connor cringed, closing his mouth at the wave of nausea that rushed over him. He groaned, leaning further and heavier into Hank's lap.

His eyes were starting to focus again, he could see the panic in his eyes. "The...the deviant?"

"...dead."

Connor closed his eyes, but it wasn't peaceful at all. He tried to hold himself back from crying with all this pain. He let out pained gasps.

"It's ok. It's ok. It's ok." Hank smoothed over the hair on his forehead and rested it there, "please Connor buddy you gotta be ok"

Connor nodded, but felt rest mode taking over. His eyes fluttered again, the strange array of greens and reds he saw in Hank's face fading away.

"No. No no no Connor stay with me you gotta stay awake I don't know what to do!" Hank shook his shoulders.

"I-i. Can't. Forced sleep mode- i-i will be fine just...ngh....Hank......" His head rolled off to the side limply, broken chunk of jaw moving in the wrong direction as it fell against Hank's knee.

"Connor?...oh god...fuck...no"

All he could now was sit and wait for help with his son in his lap, watching over him best he could. The amount of blue all over Connor was freaking him out, bruised bloody beaten and electrocuted. Why him. But...Connor trusts him to keep him safe. He knew that. So he could and he would.

He just wondered why Connor only used his first name when he was dying.

[nashta]

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to complain or anything

I realize far too many people have it so much worse than I do, and I just need to put this out there or I'll cave in on myself. Also this post is a giant mess and I don't expect anyone to read it. So a few months ago, I started a new job where I'm working on Friday and Saturday until close (0300). My friend who will be moving in this week or next in place of my mom (oh yeah she's leaving the state) is my ride to and from work, and he refuses to pick me up from those two shifts because he works the next morning. Understandable, I guess, but Uber is super expensive like the first ride I had was almost $40. I can't afford that twice a week. Luckily, another friend of mine is saving me and will be my ride home until she goes to boot camp in February. Anyway, I feel lifeless. I'm not eating anything like I should and I have no energy and school is starting soon and I'm under immense amounts of stress and sacrificing more of myself than I have to sacrifice. He complained about the work thing, saying he won't pick me up from that shift, which I kind of get, but he also said he wants his 2 days off to be reliable so he knows that he'll have a day or two to look forward to where he doesn't have to drive or wake up or anything. Again, I get it, but here's the thing: you can't have both. You gotta either give up your guaranteed days off or a couple hours of sleep because I'm already not sleeping much/well, especially with school coming up. A full-time job on top of school that I'm fully responsible for? I will not be sleeping. A big-ass thing, a few months ago when he said he wouldn't pick me up from those shifts, I lashed out and said "how the fuck am I gonna eat with no job?" because yknow, anxiety, and he lashed back "don't you fucking dare try to guilt trip me." I wasn't trying to though, I was honestly just trying to express what my fears were. Literally ever since then, I refuse to tell him anything. I was often told I was a manipulative child, and maybe it's because I was "mature" for a child because manipulation, even after I learned what it was, was never my intent. But now, I can't tell him when something is wrong. I cry after a ton of shifts on the ride home almost the entire ride because honestly I have so much I need to just get OUT (hence this post) and so many things I'm afraid of and things I need him to do or at least listen to and understand. I need a hug and a cry and I need to know I'm safe and things will be fine and that someone gives a legitimate damn about me and my well-being because it really feels like no one in the world cares. Not enough, anyway. At this point now, someone just saying "I care" really isn't going to cut it. I'm not going to believe them, not really. I can consciously tell myself that, I can back it up with evidence and logic and things they've done to "prove" it, but I still won't feel it. He always wants to get home to his place, I understand, he's tired and wants to go, but I'm never okay. I'm so shot, during those times I'm crying in his car for 20 mins I literally just need a real fucking hug and I need to be allowed to cry because I don't make any sound. As soon as I get inside, I break the fuck down like I'm talking drop everything and fall to the floor audibly sobbing, and I'm exaggerating absolutely none of that. I've been afraid to post on this for so long because I know he follows it and reads shit and I'm afraid of what'll happen but honestly I just want to die and the more shit that happens, the more I break and the less I feel and the sooner I'll kill myself so maybe him getting pissed off and so upset with me is for the best. THIS IS A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT @ANYONE/FUTURE ME The reason I'm always crying is that I have things I need to express, but I can't. I'm constantly reminded of that "don't guilt me" thing, and every single thing I need to express is a guilt trip, all of it is a fucking manipulation, and I can't express that feeling because that is ALSO a guilt trip and a fucking manipulation. Telling him what I need and why and how it's fucking with me, that'll possibly make him feel bad, and telling him that I can't tell him shit might also make him feel bad, you see where I'm going with this? He also thinks I'm dramatic and overreacting to shit. My whole body is in pain and simple tasks seem to hurt more than they used to. FUTURE ME, THIS IS ALSO A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT I've expressed some of these things before and he just invalidates them. "Oh you're fine," "you just have hypothermia because you always have the A/C on," "your weight is fine." NO BITCH My temperature at one point hit 94.something. That's dangerous, and while I realize you can get hypothermia from too much A/C, I don't have any of the symptoms and I have too many symptoms of other things that are more likely. My mom is Type 1 brittle diabetic (autoimmune disease) which means being hypoglycemic isn't an out-there theory, I have a lot of symptoms, and it would explain the voodoo doll feeling. Plus hypoglycemia (from what I've read) is often a symptom itself of something else. Having Addison's Disease also isn't all that far off because it is also an autoimmune disease and it attacks internal organs (from what I've read. I'm not a doctor I don't know how likely or unlikely it is that I could have it). ALSO kidney disease (CKD) is another possibility because I have too many symptoms to be that much coincidence and that really freaks me out because if I'm ever so broke that I literally cannot afford food/water/other damn needs, my backup plan (honestly probably for college) is to sell one of my kidneys since you really only need one. And yes, I mean on the black market. Go ahead FBI fucking come for me. If I don't have 2 working kidneys, bye bye backup plan! Also to add to that stress, I don't know half of my biological family medical history. Never had a dad because he left, so I don't know what I'm at risk for from them. I have decent reason to fucking panic! MORE IMPORTANT THING FUTURE ME I KNOW YOU'VE NODDED OFF BY NOW PROBABLY GO FUCK YOURSELF I'm starving myself. Kind of. Ok look it's not in an ED sort of way. It's not like that, I'm not so fucking hungry that I'm clutching my stomach in pain and still refusing to eat. If I'm that hungry I'll try and fucking eat something. I have a small appetite because of stress and probably other things rn. There are usually only a few times I eat: 1) when I watch Shane Dawson videos (idk why he used to do a lot of food stuff and I'd usually watch them after work when I was hungry so maybe that's it but it's stuck now) 2) when I have to take my meds (before work and during work if it's been a while) 3) if my head is being stupid (if I have a massive headache because I've learned that that usually means I need food, or if my head is super foggy and I'm confused and slow and forgetful) My usual weight from a few months ago was like 115-118 lbs. I'm 4'11 so that's not bad BMI but I despised my body and frequently would punish myself for indulging or eating too much. My BMI was fine but too uncomfortably close to "overweight" for me. However, didn't hate my weight, just my body. Light for me was 112-115 lbs. My average-ish weight now is 100 lbs, and it's going down. I don't despise my body now (don't really like it still but I'm fine with it) and I don't want to gain my weight back but I'm also scared to lose more. I weighed myself earlier today and I WAS 98 LBS. THAT'S APPROXIMATELY A 20 LB DROP. That's still a healthy weight, but it wasn't lost in a healthy way and that's what fucking scares me. I sent him a photo of the scale at 99 lbs (he knows my normal weight and I expressed to him when I lost 10 lbs how worried I was because it was after like 2 weeks of accidental starvation) and YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID? "Your weight is nothing to be worried about." I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW I GOT THERE GODDAMMIT HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVEN'T BEEN EATING. WE'VE LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT HOW IT'S A FUCKING STRUGGLE FOR ME TO GET IN MORE THAN 800 CALORIES IN A FUCKING WAKE CYCLE PLUS EVERYTHING I'M EATING IS NOT GOOD FOR ME TO BE EATING LIKE THIS Jesus fucking Christ god fucking dammit I'M FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON IT'S THERE IS BECAUSE I'VE NOT BEEN EATING. I'VE BEEN FUCKING STARVING MYSELF I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. Because of money. That's literally the reason. I picked up my medication today and had a $1 copay. I've never had a copay before. I had an anxiety attack and bought food, plus I was hungry. I woke at 1800, ate at around 2000, ate again at 1000 when I took another dose of meds before work. This prescription thing, I got back in his car (which isn't working well and he was angry so I kind of get it) at 1700ish. I ate one small soft cookie and he asked me to not eat because chewing irritates him. So I didn't eat until 0100, after a few hours of sleep. Let me timeline this for you: 1800 - wake 2 hours later - approximately 1c rice with nooch and chili powder and a little cheese to take my meds and supplement 14 hours later- 1.5 pieces of naan with hummus to take my meds 7 hours later - 1 small cookie that I then felt bad about buying and eating because it made him angry and reinforced the "you're nothing so you don't deserve to eat" thing in my head 4 hours later - fall asleep 3.5 hours later - wake 30 mins later - half a package of soft cookies with milk 5 hours later - writing this post for 1.5 - 2 hours I don't eat 95% of the time because of money. If I eat this food, then I have to spend money to replace it. I might need that money later so don't eat too much, eat only what you need, don't be a fucking pig, eat only what you need to function, don't be greedy, eat only what you need to stay alive for now, don't piss anyone off by making a mess and being lazy just don't eat if you don't absolutely need to. Don't make anyone angry at you. Make it last. You need boots that you can work in. You need your neck worked out. You want to see Motionless In White, save your money. You can't go to Kipona this year because he won't go with you and you have no one else even though you used to go with Grandbob, maybe next year or the one after that. Save your money. Maybe Muddy Run? Save your money for that. You want to go to the Ren Faire, save all you can for that. Another thing that's fucking with me He said he'd take off work and go to last month's flute circle because I really want him to experience it, but backed out because he didn't want to take off work and left me unable to attend. I rarely go, and it's the last regular experience I have to Grandbob and it absolutely fucking destroyed me to not be there. Again. I can't go to this month's because it was 2 days ago. I don't think I'll be allowed to go back for another few years, I don't think I'll be allowed to experience anything that connects me to Grandbob for another few years and by then they'll probably all be gone. I'm not allowed to cope or lash out or cry or scream or experience emotion or eat or fucking try to have some sort of connection to Grandbob because it inconveniences everyone else and I'm not allowed to have needs or try to take care of myself because it inconveniences everyone else and makes everyone else angry and every single thing I do does that. Last week I woke up at 0200 and couldn't go back to sleep even though I had to be at work at 1100 and close the shop at 2100 and work through those hours. I couldn't get back to sleep even though I tried for hours because I was having a depressive anxiety attack and crying for hours and I was literally imagining that my availability having to change and possibly not being able to work the drunk rush anymore making my boss so angry and upset that he fires me and me being as depressed and anxious and suicidal as I am, literally taking a knife and killing myself in the bathroom and my coworker (who actually got fired irl) found me and was just so apathetic and my boss literally just being like "goddammit now I have this mess to clean up and have to close early and can't make money" and me dying having zero emotional impact on either of them because I'm not a fucking person to them and all I am is a hassle. So I'm seeing that in my head and crying for hours, then I'm also seeing potential effect that that imaginary situation has on my mom and my friend and I'm crying over THAT for hours. God, I don't even fucking know. I just want to die because no one gives a fuck and I hate this country and I don't have enough money to survive and be okay in this country and politics is killing me and money and stress and I just want to fucking die because my soul is cold and nothing feels real or genuine to me anymore and I'm just a fucking obligation to everyone I'm not a fucking person I'm not important I'm just a selfish piece of shit motherfucker that needs to die alone in a hole and I'm pretty sure this whole post is a fucking guilt trip manipulation bullshit even though I don't mean it to be and I wish I never needed anything because hugs aren't feeling genuine anymore no one fucking takes my needs into consideration it doesn't matter how thin i get or how thin I'm spread it's never enough and I can't expect anyone to spread themselves the smallest bit until I'm fucking dust please just end my earthly existence Look at me Look at this fucking post I'm fucking crazy, aren't I? Isn't this the raving of a mad person? I've literally spent 2 hours typing this WHY am I this way? WHY can't I just deal with it like everyone else?

[nonbinarylink]

1-100!!

holy heck my guy2: think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?i have no idea who that would’ve been but probably

3: what do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”GERALD

5: are you afraid of falling in love?nope :)

7: have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?back when i was comfortable bein in physical contact w my family, yep like a lot

8: what’s the background on your cell?gerald n his shifty cat face you can have my lock screen too it’s p good

9: name the last four beds you were sat on?hmmm mine, mine at the farm, wrens? which wasn’t super recent but when do i ever sit on other peoples’ beds, n probably solly’s at the farm as well. idk my memory is Bad

10: do you like your phone?would love to have some real space on there but otherwise is p good

13: would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?rottweiler probably, there are a bunch of crosses that’re real cool looking 

14: which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?emotional holy shit

15: would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?museums bc people say zoos are bad, but i reckon both are p cool

16: are you tired?kinda

19: would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?ah yes, all those exes

20: when did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?like, right now

22: would you kiss the last person you kissed again?hmmmmm why not~

23: how many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?none but hoo boy there sure are a few on the mattress next to me

25: what’s on your mind?nothing in particular but i’ll say future things n being sad...

26: do you have any tattoos?soon. (hopefully but i’m still real indecisive so yknow)

27: what is your favorite color?i always say it’s red but idk man blue is a real good colour too

28: next time you will kiss someone on the lips?who knows not me but hopefully soon 

29: who are you texting messaging?wren!! the best datemate anyone could ever have!!!!

32: do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?not since i was like 7 i think?

33: do you think anyone has feelings for you?sure would make me p sad if no one did

34: has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?yep

35: say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?sadness but mostly confusion i reckon? 

37: are you friends with the last person you kissed?i’d like to hope so

38: what do your friends call you?just my birthname i think :/

39: has anyone upset you in the last week?not intentionally n only bc everything is p morbid atm so it’s not at all their fault, is just how things are.......

40: have you ever cried over a text?boy have i :/ i can cry again now so apparently i’m makin up for he years where i couldn’t atm43: last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?right now? 

44: who was the last person you were on the phone with?uhh solly maybe, but only loudspeaker when mum was talkin w her so that probably doesn’t count

45: do you have a favourite pair of shoes?will have to go w my docs since they’re the only ones i can wear atm

46: do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?i should but i don’t really have any i like wearing..

49: does your bedroom have a door?ya

50: top 3 web-pages?chrome’s tellin me it’s tumblr, the rt site/ah site, n youtube

52: does anything on your body hurt?my back bc it’s being cruel n my leg just for no reason

53: are goodbyes hard for you?they are awful no thanks how about no leaving ever

55: how is your hair?“cloud w good scritching potential“ -wren

56: what do you usually do first in the morning?waste time online and/or shower

57: do you think two people can last forever?yep!!

58: think back to january 2007, were you single?eight year old me sure was single

59: green or purple grapes?green

62: when will be the next time you text someone?i’m gonna say ‘message’ in general bc i rarely text, but in my bed probably

63: where will you be 5 hours from now?bed, sleeping

64: what were you doing at 8 this morning.listening to music n trying to sleep in

67: did you kiss or hug anyone today?all of the above :3c

68: what was your last thought before you went to bed last night?sad sad sad

69: have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?idk if i’ve ever tried my hardest in my entire life, but given how often i get disappointed it’s real likely

70: how many windows are open on your computer?5.............don’t even ask me about tabs tho

73: how old will you be in 5 months?am newly 18 so take a stab

74: where is your mum right now?her bedroom probably

75: why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?um excuse me i am

76: have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?yeah!

77: are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?yep

79: is there anyone you know with the name mike?i think michael goes by mike too, so yeah

80: have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?heck yeah what a great time!!!

82: has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?probably

83: will you talk to the person you like tonight?heh yeah

85: if your bf/gf was into drugs would you care?i guess it depends on stuff but yeah, their health is a real important to me so ofc i’d care

86: what was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?it was in the fancy downstairs area w fancy couches n we got there late so it was pitch black when we went in n i heckin sat down on a guy bc i couldn’t see anything :////

87: who was your last received call from?hmm headspace probably

92: do you get along with girls???? i’ll get along w anyone who’s not super duper extroverted i think, just depends on the person

93: are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?no?

94: does sex mean love?nope

95: you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?that sounds real good right about now...

97: did you sleep alone this week?for the most part, no :)

98: everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?i sure do!!!!!!!

99: do you believe in love at first sight?attraction at first sight, yeah, but idk about love? not that i know anything about it i’m too dense 

100: who was the last person that you pinky promise?i have no idea, but it was most likely in junior school? so probably my best friend from then

[prussianvenom]

Ehoge

Alfred walks in on Kiku during her quality alone time, things escalate

Nothing had been happening all day. Absolutely nothing. It was a boring, bullshitty kind of day. Alfred sighed and tossed on his couch some more. All his other friends were busy doing something, too busy to spend any time with their good friend Alfred. The blonde attempted to entertain himself throughout the day but it was pointless.

Movies, comics, porn. It was all just bleh.

So he figured to waste the rest of his day numbing his mind with computer-generated fun times. What should it be today? Mass Effect? World of Warcraft? He was feeling particularly lonesome so he figured an MMO or something should do fine. So the chubby American sits down and boots up some good ol Overwatch.

He was feeling good. Had some good games, good matches, managed to keep his main for most of the matches. But...And there's always a but when it came to this game. It started with someone bagging his main. No big deal, he was pretty alright with Reaper and D.va, he could deal fine. BUT. Then everyone refused to be a healer, causing everyone else to get more aggravated as the match went on. To top it off the person who stole his main couldn't play him worth a shit!

He had enough. He needed his ace in the hole, the Zenyatta master of disaster, Kiku. He did a quick check to see if she was online. She was, of course, and quickly sent her an invite.

‘Hey, Kitty Kik!!! You wanna help me with some OW matches? Ppl are taking 76 and taking the piss, I need to level up ykno???? And I know you need to level up too! Get them loot boxes!! Get that new bitchin Dva skin right??? If you help me out I'll buy it for ya ;))))’

That should do it. He knew Kiku was dying to get all the skins, being the completionist she was. She was itching to get one of those shiny bug ones for Dva, being the last that she needed.

Alfred went back to his game and waited for Kiku to reply. A good half hour passed before he went to check his messages. Maybe she was having computer troubles. It didn't say what she was playing. She could also be working of course. What other reason was there? She would never leave him hanging like this, especially when it came to gaming and the promise of skins.

He should help her out! What kind of friend would he be if he let his best friend and her computer suffer? So he jumped in his super sweet ass and car and sped off to the rescue.

When he got to Kikus apartment flat it was….unusual. There was…an aura surrounding the door. Alfred began to feel nervous. No, no way, we’re talking about the great Al of the amazing US of A. He's not nervous. Just... Increasingly concerned for his friend. He knocked and got no answer. He knocked louder and got no answer again.

Okkkk, he was nervous. This was even less like Kiku. He knew she was home, her bike was out front. What's wrong? Was she in the shower? Did she leave her laptop open? No, someone as meticulous as Kiku wouldn't let her computer on and out like that. What if….What if there was some sort of crazy ax murderer in there right now holding sweet precious Kiku captive?!?!?!

Alfred ready to barge through was about to shoulder through the door, but when he grabbed the handle it was unlocked.

Well

Hmm

An ax murderer would have locked the doors right?

Kiku would too though….

The plot thickens.

Alfred peered in and tiptoed into the small living space. Nothing appeared out of the ordinary. He snuck around some more, on the off chance there was some sort of ax murderer just chilling. Shit! What would he do if there was some sort of psycho in here?!

A sound.

A soft groan came from the direction of Kikus room.

Alfred froze. It came again louder this time. It didn't sound like a big ax-wielding murdering man. It was too soft to really discern what it was. It did sound like one of distress. Alfred willed himself, sure that he would be able to take on whatever foe there may be. Alfred sprung into action and busted through the bedroom door like a bat out of hell.

At this moment Alfred realized a couple of things. She could be busy, didn't notice the message, could have been on a walk. Could've been home this entire time and didn't have to answer him. Also, this had to be some form of breaking and entering. It was at this moment Alfred realized why she was not paying attention to his messages.

She was indeed busy with other things… at the… moment….

There, disheveled on the floor, loosely covered in a blanket, pink and sweating in front of her laptop was Kiku. The laptop displaying very...detailed...intimate...actions.

The two froze, mouths gaping and staring blankly at each other with large owlish eyes.

Kiku squeaks and pulls the blanket to cover her body before choking out high pitch explanations and apologies. Alfred listens for a split second before the sounds started buzzing out into white noise.

It was a Kiku he had never seen before. Her black hair was matted to her sweaty red face. The red traveled from her face down her neck to the pale skin of her collarbone that she neglected to hide with her blanket. Als eyes continue to wander to laptop she was previously staring at. On the screen was a sex scene from the perspective of a girl riding a man that looked to be a classmate of hers. The classmate kind of looked like-

Kiku noticed his line of sight and slammed the laptop with such force he was sure Kiku had broken it.

Kiku stopped rambling. Her fingers clutched the blanket tightly while the other stayed shaking on top of the laptop. Her face was drawn tight and she looked like she might self ignite if she was left a second longer. It was almost cute.

Wait, no. Alfred quickly corrected himself.

Kiku was his friend.

One of his only chick friends at that. She was a good friend too. He couldn't ruin that friendship, not with those kinds of thoughts. This was a tricky situation. She was small and vulnerable in front of him. He had to handle this situation with care.

Kikus face was flushed and scrunched, her black eyes looked starry with unshed tears. Alfred could hear her soft breaths coming through her pink, teeth worried lips. He noticed the blanket was small and did not cover up all of her. A pale calf was stretched out from under the blue comforter.

Alfred's eyes unwillingly followed up the patch of skin- There's a pillow. There's a pillow? Why would she have a pillow in between her legs instead o- OH!

OHHHH!

The last of the light bulbs lit up in Al's head. His face flushed darker when he grasped the situation. Oh god. Oh GOD! Al couldn't stop the flood of images and scenarios of the lithe girl in debauched and lewd ways. Damn him, damn his imaginations. It escalated to the point of him imagining himself in place of the pillow.

Fuck.

Fuck!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Kikus face shifted from quiet panic to astonished embarrassment.

He was hard.

He was fucking hard.

As if this situation could be any worse. Way to go dick. Way to fucking go, you ruin everything.

He wanted to bury himself under a rock, as he imagined she probably did too.

“Umm,” Al floundered, finally breaking the silence. “So uh, you...You weren't answering my messages. So I, uh, I got worried. Th..Thought something happened.”

Alfred felt so stupid. It sounded so dumb when he said it out loud.

Kiku blinks before opening the laptop to check. There on the steam page was a slew of messages from her blonde friend in varying degrees of concern. She chuckles quietly and holds her face in hands.

“I...Was too distracted to notice I guess.” Kiku answers jokingly.

“So..What uh, what were you playing?” Kiku slapped her laptop close in a knee jerk reaction and looked off to the side.

“I'm not going to make fun of ya, if that's what you think.” Alfred fiddled with his fingers. He looked a bit like a kid Kiku thought.

“It...It's a dating sim.” Kiku admitted.

“That didn't look like dating.” Kiku huffed out a breathy laugh.

“That's what people do when they date, don't they?” Al bit his tongue.

“W-were you, um, I mean. Was I…Did I walk in on you, y'know...having a good time?” Alfred was going for nonchalant when he asked. Tried to keep it cool and friendly as they both were trying to avoid the staggering amounts of elephants in the room.

Kiku groaned and pulled the blanket over her face.

“You came to check on me right?! Y-you did, I'm fine! Now you, you can go home!”

Alfred was sure she was trying to sound angry but to Alfred it almost sounded like she was embarrassed and even...pleading?

No. Al needed to stop. He needed to leave now..but...he needed to confirm one thing before he left.

“Ok, ok, but hey...It might be my imagination...but...that uh, character, was it meant to look like me?”

Kikus head shot out of the blanket

“Is it a coincidence? Or?”

“W-what?!” Kiku looked horrified. “N-no, I, I.” Kikus face had millions of emotions breaking across it. Her face somehow managed to get redder.

“Merely a c-coincidence. I assure you.” Kiku meekly answered. She was lying. She never had a good poker face. It only made it harder for her to maintain good face when it came to embarrassing things like this.

“Kiku? Its, ok, yknow if it was.” Alfred offered soothingly. Kiku looked down at her fiddling hands. Guilt was struck in her features. It hurt to see her upset.

Alfred got on his knees to level with the small Japanese woman. Emotions he shoved down, dormant, began to swell again in his chest.

“Were you imagining me? With you?” Alfred felt like he was reaching.

His chest was tight. She was his friend, she would never be interested. That's what he kept telling himself. That was the only reason she was special. That she stood out.

That all went to hell when she looked up at him with honest, glassy black eyes.

He had a crush on her. He probably always did.

He inched a little closer when Kiku said nothing. She leaned forward to reach him.

“Well...You, you are an attractive, outgoing man. Or at least I think so, a lot of women, would, would…”

“Kiku?”

Alfred jumped out of his skin when Kiku gently pushed her lips against his. As soon as the connection was made it ended.

“Kik-?”

“I love you,” Kiku confessed abruptly. A beat passed.

Kikus face showed a spectacle of emotions as her brain caught up with her words. Before she could duck away into the blankets in embarassment Alfred grabbed her excitedly by the shoulders.

“Holy shit Kiku!!!” Alfred exclaimed, face lighting up in pure joy. “Dude! I love you too!” He pulled the now laughing woman into a warm embrace. Kiku was still laughing when he pulled back and kissed her again.

When they pulled back the awkwardness was beginning to worm its way back into the situation.

“I guess that answers my question huh?”

“Oh..” Kiku laughed bashfully and nodded.

“So…” Alfred inched closer, their knees bumping together, “Were you thinking about having sex with me?” Al winked.

Kiku giggled and slots her knee in between his. “Perhaps.”

“Perhaps? I doubt that pillow will say the same.” Al stared pointedly at the abuse pillow still squeezed between Kikus pale thighs.

“I-”

“Kiku~ Do you want to ride me like that?” Al pointed to the laptop.

“I, no, I mean-”

“Kiku, Kiku,” Al stroked her neck gently. She jumped at the touch. He could feel her heartbeat hammering in her veins. “All you have to do is ask.”

Kiku smiled weakly at the others playful attempt to ‘woo’ her. Kiku leaned into the palm at her neck. It was surprisingly cold compared to her heated skin. She moved off the pillow to be slotted at the knees with the other. She mimicked the movements of the other. Moving to caress the blondes cheek and neck.

“You did not give me the impression that I could until now.” Kiku attempted to copy the sly smirk. Alfred in turned blushed. Kiku felt goosebumps rise under her fingers.

“Well, the answer is yes if you are asking.”

“I...I am asking.” Alfred's hand began to quiver against her nape.

“Fuck Kiku.”

Feeling emboldened and dumb from the blood rush, Kiku surged against the man. Their mouths clashed together. Years of repressed feelings and tension between them flooded forth. Al felt light headed. He would never tell the small beauty this, but he imagined this sort of moment so many times in his lonesome.

God, she was so much softer than he imagined. He felt her fingers curl into his t-shirt and christ almighty he was barely able to restrain a moan...Barely. The hands curled and pushed the shirt up incessantly. She pulled away, a string of saliva still connecting him and her wet lips.

“Can I?” Kiku asked quietly while tugging at Al's shirt.

Al nodded dumbly and lifted his arms to allow the girl to pull off the offending article. Kiku sat back for a moment and stared. She wasn't sure what she was expecting. The last time she saw him shirtless he was chubby and well, looked like what you'd expect for someone who gamed and snacked all the time. She wasn't expecting lean muscle and sun-kissed skin.

“When did, I mean,...wow.” Al looked confused before looking at himself in understanding.

“Oh, yeah, I uh, got a little self-conscious towards the end of high school. Wanted to do better for myself, impress the ladies and stuff y'know. Did, did it work?”

Kiku smiled and held the blondes face in her hands . He was a prideful guy. Always was. Boastful and cocksure for as long as she knew him. She never thought that he'd ever take someone's words so serious. Kiku kissed him gently.

“I am indeed impressed...I always was impressed. You changed yourself for your health and that's amazing, but...I've had a crush on you since we were sophomores Alfred. I don't need to be impressed by anything, I'm attracted to you in any form.”

Al looked heart-stuck. He was playing with her but her unbidden praise caught him off track.

“Woah, Kiku, I-” Kiku pressed a finger to his lips.

“I...I've been wanting this for years, Al, please.”

Kiku raised her arms. Al caught on quickly and lifted the crumpled tank top off. Fuck, oh fuccckkk, Al felt like he got the wind knocked out of him. She had nothing underneath the shirt. She was sitting there in all her glory. Pale, glowing and untouched. She was perfect. Soft around the edges. Airbrushed and pink.

“Holy shit.”

Kiku giggled and kind of covered herself awkwardly with her arm. Al frowned and tried to soother her arms down. The did and she pushed out her chest slightly as she did so. Alfred wanted to believe she was doing it on purpose. She leaned back on her hands, back curving forward towards Alfred's hands. Alfred locked eyes with her to get some sort of permission. Kiku smiled . Al tentatively reached out and barely touched the soft swell of her breast. She shuddered slightly but said nothing. Al took it up a notch and cupped both of her breasts. She wasn't bursting at the shirt seams by no means like a lot of the other girls they knew, but it was her. She might've had a smaller cup size, but, Alfred was enjoying himself. Boobs are boobs. And hers, hers were so so soft. They were soft and warm and Kiku began to react so nicely to him. She began to moan softly and move into the hands as they kneaded into her flesh. Playing with her nipples teasingly through his fingers. He pinched and twisted the hard pink nubs between his thumbs and forefingers. Kiku gasped and groaned.

Alfred moaned quietly. He was feeding off all her delicious reactions. Kiku grasped one of Als hands and bucked her hips. Without the pillow she had nothing to find purchase on as he assaulted her chest. Every reaction set him further on fire. Each gasp and cut off whine pushed him farther up the wall. Her pale porcelain skin was worked to a deep blush by his hands.

It wasn't enough

He leaned forward and took one of the dusky pink nipples into his mouth. Kiku squeaked in surprise. He swirled his tongue around the nub, occasionally teasing it in between his teeth. Kiku whined and threaded her long fingers into Alfred's hair, gripping it tightly when he began to really bite. He bit into the plush soft skin of her breast. He bit her collar bones and sucked. He bit her neck, working her into a frenzy. He didn't stop until she was covered in spots and she was limp and spazzing in his arms.

“Al, Alfred.”

“A-Ah? Sorry I got carried away Ki-” Kiku pressed her finger back to his lips. It lingers this time though, tracing his puffy wet lips, and teased the seam of his mouth.

“I, I would be embarrassing for me, if I was done in by just this.” Al looked lost once more before he laughed in realization and crashed down on the woman in a crushing hug.

Kiku squealed and laughed. They held each other in a sweet embrace. Their hands mirroring each other as they traced the segments of each other's spines, feeling every indent and groove. She could feel his heartbeat against her breast, could feel how hot his skin was, could feel his arousal a breath away from her own.

“Kiku, if that wasn't an invite, holy shit, I don't know what is. Did you mean that? Could I make you…? Just by kissing and biting you?”

Kiku nodded and Alfred groaned against her throat.

“Alfred,” Kiku breathed against the shell of his ear. “Aren't there other ‘parts’ you'd rather pay attention to?” Kiku pulled herself away.

She guided the hand from her back around her chest and lead it down her stomach and back up to the inside of her thighs. Stopping inches away from her heat. She looked up at Al from under her eyelashes and let go, hoping Al caught on. A noiseless ‘oh’ passed through Alfred's lips. He bit his bottom lip and continued up the inside of the brunettes warm thigh. Kiku shook gently as she opened her thighs to accommodate Al's body mass as he moved closer. Al choked on a held breath as he brushed his fingers against the lips of Kikus sex. Her hips lurched up toward the fleeting touch.

“Holy shit Kiku. Your-You’re so hot, “ Alfred crawled a little bit closer and pressed his thumb against Kikus clit. Kiku hips bucked up and she choked out a moan. “So, so fucking hot.” Al whispered.

His breath was hot against Kikus ear. Al pressed his thumb down more and moved it in a circular motion. Kiku fell back onto her hands and threw her head back. Alfred had to hold back a groan as he saw one of his best friends rock up against his hand.

Hundreds of emotions gushed to the surface. He wanted to, had to give this woman every bit of pleasure she deserved.

He removed his thumb. Kiku mewled for a moment before Alfred slid a finger inside her. Both moaned at the sensation. His fingers were thicker than hers and she was tight. Tight, soft, and so much hotter than he'd ever imagined.

“Oh, oh fuck, Kiku. You're so tight.”

Alfred pushed his finger deeper and wiggled it slightly. Kiku moaned out a gasp and wrapped her arm vice-like around his shoulder. She used or tried to use, the position to rut down against his hand. Alfred was enthralled, so enthralled in fact that up until this point he had neglected his own arousal. It was brought back to his attention when Kiku bumped his crotch with her knee while she was moving about. Alfred hissed and was now violently aware of his erection, as was Kiku now. Purposely this time she slid her knee against his groin. This position had her straddling his knee while awkwardly trying to keep his fingers inside of her. Alfred found it endearing as well as extremely hot. Even if it was awkward and unsatisfying.

The blonde pushed his index finger along his middle finger. Kiku grunted, voice pitching into a quiet scream when Alfred scissored his fingers apart.

“A-al~.” Kiku moaned breathlessly and clutched helplessly at the blonde's shoulders.

Al's erection was borderline painful as it strained against the clothes he still had on.

Kiku was shuddering and thrusting her hips wildly, keen on fucking herself open on his hand. Her back arched and she gripped Al's wrist in an attempt to ground herself. The action stopped Alfred From moving his anymore and slowed her hips to a near halt.

“What? Did I do something wrong?: Al quickly tried to withdraw his hand. Kiku laughed and smiled.

“No, no, not the case at all Alfred.” Kiku smiled bashfully. Her eyes wandered downwards before shooting to somewhere else.

“Hm?” Al tilted his head, “Ohhhhh,” He laughed and leaned back. “Ready for the beast I see?” He proclaimed in flagrant mock boistery.

Kiku tried and failed to suppress the surge of laughter that bubbled out of her chest. Al laughed along with her. It felt natural. Laughing naked and breaths apart. When the laughter stopped and silence fell over them again a much more comfortable air surrounded them.

Kiku wrapped her arms back around Alfred's neck and pecked the blond's cheek.

“Yes, I am,” Kiku giggled. “I am ready for the ‘beast’.”

Alfred was bursting at the seams with joy. She was perfect. She was perfect in every way. He kissed her. He kissed her with every ounce of passion he had to show. Kiku keened and reciprocated as such. With one hand holding him up he pulled down the last remaining piece of clothes between them. He sighed against Kikus lips as his erection was finally released. The girl returned the pleasant sigh when she felt his sex slide against hers.

“P, Please Al.”

Alfred held his composure the best he could as he breached Kikus insides. Her arms back were drawn taut and her fingers dug into his back like vulture claws. Alfred was a restrained pent up mess. Kiku was purring, her body humming and tight with excitement as he pressed all the way in. Alfred was losing his mind. He had to wait. He had to give her the time to adjust. The heat, the heat and the tightness, almost like a vice, was driving him quickly insane.

Kiku, sweet Kiku was so beautiful and enrapturing. She was barely recognizable. A whole new person unfolding themselves to him. He ran his hands across her back and kissed her throat until he felt her arms fall slack.

“Are, are you-?” Alfred began to ask tentatively, choking on each word that passed his lips.

“Yes!” Kiku shouted, momentarily scaring Al. “Yes, yes,” She repeated, hurried and quietly into the skin of his neck.

Heat rushed to the blondes head. He felt light headed. He, maybe too eagerly, pulled near all the way out before quickly thrusting back in. Kiku squealed and Alfred mumbled apologies under his breath. She felt so good, too good. He paused, fearing he was close to losing his composure and then again pulled back to start a steady and slow pace. Kiku made quiet noises and arched into Alfred's chest like a cat.

He could feel her heartbeat against his chest. Beating wildly like a hummingbird's wings. She moaned softly, quietly, breathlessly into the junction of his neck and shoulder. Her breath was hot and uneven. She was warm putty molding against his body, she fit him like a puzzle piece. He had never felt so complete. He leaned back so she could control the speed and tempo, he couldn't be trusted not to lose himself in her. Also, this way he could focus on touching her without the worry of dropping or misplacing her. Kiku took the freedom immediately and found that the new angle allowed her to take the blonde even deeper than before.

“Fuck! Kiku,” Alfred groaned. Kiku was picking up the pace. Her voice got louder the faster she went. Alfred grabbed handfuls of her ass to help her keep up the pace. “God, Kiku, Kiku, you're so hot. So fucking hot.” Alfred rambled

Kiku threw her head back again and Alfred followed. He bit and licked, in varying degrees to gauge her reactions. Anything that was able to leave a mark drove the brunette crazy.

“So, so fucking beautiful.”

Alfred off balanced Kikus pace with his own. Kiku didn't seem to pay it much mind thought. She was more focused on losing herself in his embrace. He wrapped one arm back around her to pull her back against his chest.

“I always thought so. Ffuucckk.” He cried out. “ you're so tight, so wet,” He paused to hastily and sloppily shove his tongue into Kikus mouth. “I love you Kiku, love you so much.”

Kiku moans and laughs, giddy, between breaths.

“I love you, I l-love you too Alfred,” Kiku attempted a more refined kiss, with fail. “You, y-you feel,” Kiku bit her lip on particularly sharp thrust. “You feel s-so good.” Kiku whimpered breathlessly.

It was said so cutely, almost shyly and full of such pure raw emotion.

Alfred felt his dick throb, positive that Kiku felt it too. Kiku ran her fingers through Alfred's blond hair, pulling softly as she did so. Alfred hisses and bucks up harshly. When she accidentally pulls too hard both moan loudly. They shared a knowing look, asking each other what they already knew. Kiku tested the waters and pulled his hair harder. In return Alfred tilted his head back with her hands, eyes closed an mouth open and agape. She continues pulling, spurred on by the rough moans coming from deep in Alfred's chest. He grapples at Kikus back as his thrust grow progressively wilder.

“I'm, I'm, cl-close Kiku. I, I-” Alfred cried out, frantic.

“O-on me.” it was barely audible.

“W-what?” Alfred slowed in confusion.

“On me, c-come on me.” Kiku repeated louder. She dug her fingers deeper into his scalp and slapped her ass against his hips brutally.

“Fuck!” Alfred nearly screamed.

He pulled the woman up and off him as quickly as his orgasm ripped through his body. The line of white hit Kikus stomach. Kiku didn't have a chance to recuperate as she was toppled by the large body man.

She was about to question what he was doing but when her mouth opened all that came out was a high pitch squeal. Alfred had three fingers immediately insider her, pistoning as fast as he could go. The other hand was spreading cum across her torso lewdly. Kiku gasps and hides her face in her hands. She feels Alfred's breath ghost over her breast before wet warmth envelopes it.

“A-Alfred, slow down.”

“No, I want to see you, want to see you come Kiku. I want to see you come on my hand. Come on Kiku, don't you hear how wet you are? Come, please.”

To emphasize his point he speeds up. The obscene noises coming from her own body made her head swirl. Kiku screams as a jizz covered hand strokes her clit in tempo with the fingers inside her. Her body runs tight as her orgasm brutally overtakes her. Her body is rod straight and jittery when it finally passes.

A moment passes. Nothing but the sound of their panting and deep breathing. Both of them were breathing sporadically, dazed, shuddering and sated. Kiku finally moves her hands and lets her body down to the floor. She caught the blonde gazing down at her pointedly. She became very aware of how she must look and felt very self-conscious about being naked and trashed in front of her crush. Boyfriend? It was hard to say. Things had moved in very rapid succession in the last hour.

“Alfred, you're staring.” Kiku mumbled. Alfred snapped out of his reverie and looked up at the ceiling. His face and neck broke out in a red flush.

“Ah, sorry, you just uh,” Alfred glanced down. “Oh shit, you're just uh,” He runs a hand through his sweat-drenched hair. “You just look, so freaking hot. I'm trying not to uh, to get hard again.” Alfred laughed awkwardly.

Kiku looked down at herself again and kind of laughed. She supposed she did indeed look a little provocative. She crossed her ankles and leaned back on her elbows to gaze up at the blonde.

“I get that same feeling when you look at me like that.” Alfred blushed and covered his face.

He laughed and sat down on the hardwood floor.

“Gosh, how are you a real person.”

Kiku laughed and picked herself up into a sitting position. She grabbed the nearby forgotten comforter and wrapped it around herself.

“Better?”

“Nah, cuz I know what's under there now. Know what all the good stuff looks and feels like and what not.” Alfred joked and winked.

Kiku smiled and pulled the blonde into the cocoon of the comforter.

“We have a lot of time to catch up on these things,” Kiku got up and pulled the other to the bed, laying down and taking the other with her. “But you need a moment yes?” Al smiles.

“Just me?”

“Ah, yes, I could use a minute or two. My legs are still shaking.” Kiku giggled.

The two laid next to each other, wrapped around themselves, silently drinking in each others warmth. It was like that until Kiku couldn't take it any longer. A question pressed to the forefront of her mind, insistent to make itself known.

“What….what are we now?” Alfred's face fell a bit.

“What..do you want us to be.”

“I love you, Alfred, I meant that. I would like to be with you.” Alfred let out a comic sigh

“Oh thank god,” He laughed loudly. “ I thought you were asking that because you might be having second thoughts or something.”

“Of course not.”

“Much better than those 2D guys right?” Kiku busted out in a loud laugh, before turning red and giggling to herself.

“Ahh, yes, of course, by a mile.” She leaned in to kiss him. No longer heated, shy, but filled with docile affection. Alfred's heart swelled. He kissed her forehead and held her tight. A 2nd round didn't happen, didn't need to. The two lulled off to sleep. Content, happy, and peaceful.

[asdklgkgluck]

okay hi first rant post on this blog but i have a lot of feelings and emotions and stuff to just type out all over the place.

so first off, i really want to be drunk or high right now. i know how fucked that is and i know how stupid it is to want to be drunk or high to take away my feelings, but fuck i really can’t handle my life being like this sober. i’m so hurt and unmotivated and hateful and so many other negative things and the only thing that takes it away when i’m alone like this is being high or drunk. i looked for alcohol earlier but there isn’t any in sight anywhere which fucking sucks. i’m sure my mom has some in her room, but her and nicholas are asleep in there and i don’t feel like risking waking them up just to search for booze.

speaking of my mom, i really wish things between us could be different. i’ve always felt so slighted and robbed that i didn’t have a great childhood and even now with the whole “my mom is my best friend” culture, i just can’t relate even a little bit, and honestly it really upsets me that i can’t relate whatsoever and get told by so many people that i’m ungrateful. i don’t even know what to think about her. sometimes i can say that i think she’s doing her best, but i know she’s not. she’s very selfish and demanding. “i cosigned on your student loans, you owe me this and this and that” or i don’t? since you’re making me pay you back anyway? she feels as though we should be so subservient to her just because she had sex, her birth control failed, and she ultimately chose not to abort me or my brother and keep us rather than give us up for adoption. that’s another thing: she’s told me i don’t even know how many times that she wishes she would’ve gone through with aborting me. do you know how that makes someone feel? do you have any fucking idea what it feels like to be told by your actual mother that she wishes she would’ve never had you? and even knowing that her and my dad were going to give me up for adoption until my dad said no because he didn’t want to have a daughter out there somewhere that he didn’t know. if not for him, my life would be entirely different. i don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing. i don’t like looking back at things and wondering how they could be different because i can’t fix them, so what’s the point in thinking about the “what ifs”?

anyway i got off topic, but my mom. is so mean. she’s so emotionally abusive and manipulative but she’s so fucking ace at it that sometimes i have to sit back and wonder if i’m really positive she is or if i’m just wrong and reading into it. she is. i blocked out most of my childhood, so i can’t recall the things she used to do to my brother and i, but i remember it fucking me up. my grandma on my dad’s side likes to tell the story of the time when my mom went away to mexico for two weeks and when my grandma told my brother and i that she was coming to pick us up, i cried and hid. we retell it like it’s a funny story because if you just see it from a normal perspective, it’s just a silly kid wanting to stay at grandma’s. in reality, i hated being around my mom and former stepdad and felt extreme emotional distress knowing i had to go back to them. i also used to plan with that grandma how she could kidnap me from my mom’s house. i guess you can see those things as harmless kid shenanigans, but it was multiple things and repeated and i was in actual distress. and i guess that’s a common theme in my life with the adults in my life growing up writing off my distress and mental illness as just being a kid because what 6 year old is actually suicidal, yknow?

but my fucking mother. in comparison to her mom, she seems totally fine, but get her on her own and she’s just as bad in her own way. i do remember she and my ex stepdad used to make me cry and then laugh at me for being upset. she would come up to me when i would wear t shirts or shorts and pinch my fat and point out all my cellulite and flaws. we could just be sitting at a red light and she’d look over and narrow her eyes and go “you have a double chin and you’re not even trying to have one. you need to start doing chin exercises”. she wouldn’t let me go out or hang out with my friends until i was in my freshman year of high school unless she was able to call my friends’ parents and confirm every single last detail, and even then, she wouldn’t let me go half the time because she got a “bad vibe” and accused me of lying. her and my ex stepdad accused me of lying all the time, and i do have a problem with lying, but they would accuse me of lying even when i was telling the truth. they would LITERALLY MAKE ME FUCKING LIE TO THEM AND ACCEPT THAT AS “THE TRUTH” so what the fuck did they think was going to happen??? i got my first real life boyfriend and my mom accused me of trying to have sex and sleep around and i was literally 12?? i hadn’t even had my first real kiss yet and apparently “i want to go out on a date with my middle school boyfriend” is code for “i want to fuck even though i literally just started masturbating last week and haven’t even figured that out yet”. (speaking of, i probably should try and get off at some point tonight since i haven’t in like a week and before that, nearly a month and maybe i’ll placebo feel better? probs not)

but like even recently, every. single. fucking. decision. that i make is criticized. “you should get a second job” yeah with what car? and on top of the full time hours i’m already working at my first job? “if you would’ve gotten that second job i told you about, you’d be making so much money” yeah because i’d be working like 80 hours a week you fucking doorknob. it’s acceptable that i don’t hang out often with my friends (lol not really actually, i get told all the time to get out of the house because my brother is extroverted and social and i’m definitely not) but if i don’t see the guy i’m talking to (i don’t actually know what’s going on with that but i’ll get into that later) every single day, our relationship is trash and he’s abusive and a dickhead and i should be dating other people and finding some trashy clingy fuckhead to date instead who will send me a bunch of emojis and constantly drain my energy. fuck that.

the clothes i wear are all trash apparently. i dress like a slut. just so many horrible things every single goddamn day. but how can i possibly leave? i’m financially dependent on her. if i gtfo, i won’t have a place to live in my home state, i won’t be able to afford college, and i won’t have a phone plan or car insurance that doesn’t cost me a small fortune. if i cut my mom and her mom out of my life entirely like some people suggest, i lose my college education at the school i’m currently going to and enjoy going to, i become homeless, and i lose the benefits of a family phone and car insurance plan, respectively. as badly as i want to and as much as i think i would benefit from it, i cant right now. not to mention, i’d feel like such shit about myself for doing it because i know i’d be guilted by her for “betraying her” or some shit and so many people would tell me how horrible i am for cutting out my own mother. if i already get upset seeing people have happy and healthy family ties, how would i feel if i know i don’t have a mom to even try to reconcile with? it’s harder to cut out family members than some people like to pretend it is.

okay moving on to my friends. i would say i do have some friends. i categorize my friends in very specific and compartmentalized ways because that’s just what helps me draw boundaries and not get too attached to people who aren’t in the appropriate categories. i have acquaintances. acquaintances are people that i know of who also know of me on more friendly than neutral terms. they’re people i would recognize and say hi to if i saw them, maybe. (for my own reference if i get confused, think like david or bree or tegan) i have close acquaintances. close acquaintances are just one step above regular acquaintances. i can have little conversations with them here and there and maybe hang out once or twice, but i wouldn’t entrust them with anything real or beneath the surface about myself in any way, shape, or form. (think cara and kodiak and them) then i have friends. friends are people i enjoy spending some time with, but they’re not people i could have a deep conversation with. like i can hang out with them and have conversations with them but i would never go deep about my personal life, maybe just a little bit. (think lillie or carly). then i’ve got close friends who, as you can guess, are one step above friends. i seek them out and want to hang out with them more than everyone previously listen, for the most part. they’re the people i talk to the most and the people i hang out with the most. i feel more comfortable being honest and open with how i’m really feeling and my struggles (think jayden, carly, jessi, adrianne, skitch, maybe). then i’ve got the best friend tier. that’s the person i’m the most comfortable with. i can tell them absolutely anything without any fear of judgement and i trust them immensely. i don’t feel the need to talk to them all the time or hang out all the time even though i think about them and have them on my mind more than anyone else. that’s literally josh lmao i used to have a best friend, but she was an abusive snake so i cut her out and it was hard and it’s still hard when i see people praising her as if she’s never done anything wrong, but whatever.

the issue with all my friends except for josh is that they don’t understand how i work. i try to talk to my close friends about my issues and they make me feel worse about myself or my struggles. i try to talk to jayden and carly (who are supposed to be my best friends) about my relationship struggles with josh, and i get a “dump his ass, fuck his best friend, and then fuck your way through tinder you hot bitch” as a reply. that’s fucking stupid and self destructive and i’d hate myself absolutely as a result. it’s such an immature response i don’t even think i responded to it lmao or like when i came to them and was like “hey i’m very fragile right now and need support” and carly LITERALLY STARTED A FIGHT WITH ME and told me how i wasn’t doing enough and i wasn’t putting any effort into anything etc etc. my salt vault pals are great people to hang out with and joke with, but none of them do emotions or understand mental illness in the slightest. the best response i’ll get is a “boop” from thomas or an “eat some spaghetti and forgetti” from kellie. maybe if i was just normally sad, but yall come on now i’m clinically and severely depressed. i appreciate the effort, at the least, but lately they’ve all just ignored me when i’ve tried to reach out, so i just shouldn’t do that anymore.

literally the ONLY PERSON IN MY ENTIRE LIFE who is able to make me genuinely feel better is josh. i don’t know how he does it or how he manages to usually find that perfect balance between calling out my bullshit and comforting me, but 9/10 he can get the job done. he says he just talks logically, but he does it in a way that doesn’t get under my skin or belittle me. and god i don’t want to put all my baggage and problems on him no matter how often he offers or tells me to talk to him about anything and everything and although i know i’d be comfortable talking to him about it, i don’t want to scare him away or push him away or like hurt him or affect him in any way because of it. 

but like okay. i know how cheesy and stupid this sounds but my life is always better when he’s in it. before i met him, i was just kind of like existing in misery and i had accepted that i wasn’t going to get better or find actual love and that my closest chance would be to idolize celebrities. and yeah, okay, i did love alex. i could imagine a future with him and i could see us getting married and i cared and stuff (until he started treating me like shit and i fell out of love and realized i had been denying my feelings for josh for a year but WHATEVER), but it’s something entirely different with josh. i met him and even though we were just friends and i thought he was really funny and cute and had a big dorky crush on him, i started feeling myself become happier bit by bit and feeling more confident in myself the more i was around him. i’m sure it wasn’t the only reason, but when he told me he liked me too, it was probably top 5 moments of my life, not even gonna lie. i know how crazy and obsessive it sounds, but that first kiss i had with him i don’t think i can forget. it was the best kiss i’ve ever had and it’s burned into my memory. but i also don’t think i was too obsessive because when he said he loved me in his sleep that one time, i panicked because i wasn’t sure if i felt the same and saying it back wasn’t something i was ready for. i think that makes it more legit. and while when we officially dated things were far from perfect and actually quite shit for both of us, i think what happened was necessary for both of us to grow. i’m still hurting residually from it and he’s still hurting residually from it and i can’t forgive myself for hurting him like that, we’re both different and more understanding people now. he used to not be able to calm me down the way he can now. he used to just kind of feed into my panic and depressive and manic feelings by coming in too hard with calling me out or telling me to suck it up, and i only just got worse in those situations and they escalated into fights. i was mean to him, he was mean to me, and it didn’t work out for us then and there. what hurt me the most was that he fucked me and then stopped talking to me immediately after. i felt like actual garbage. i felt used and mistreated and dirty, and once he had officially left isaac’s and i realized he wasn’t going to talk to me again (despite telling me we could try again when i turned 18), i lost all hope and drive. i didn’t even want to just kill myself, i wanted to torture myself first. i drank all the time, i would skip as much school and class as i possibly could, i gave into my impulsive thoughts and actions, i cut myself all the time, i lashed out and was genuinely cruel and cold to people, i did a bunch of self destructive stuff... and i stalked josh’s social media. then i saw he got a girlfriend and i absolutely lost my shit. i tried to kill myself at least once a week and the days i didn’t try to, i was researching the most effective way to. even after they broke up or whatever (since he said they weren’t actually a couple and just went on a couple dates, so idk whatever i don’t care all that much) i just felt so lost. i applied to college because i wanted to see if getting far away would help me (sidenote: it didn’t on its own) as well as i just had this little gut feeling tugging at me that maybe if i faked it for four years of college and then at a job, i would make it. i think i tried to kill myself over 30 times my senior year of high school + the summer after. then josh fucking liked one of my art instagram pictures and i felt just like waves of confusion and hurt and so many things and it fucked me up again because i thought he was fucking with me.

then he reached out to me once i got out of the mental hospital (like i said, being away from home doesn’t fix the fact that i didn’t give a shit about my life and was indulging entirely in my mental illnesses without even caring to try and better them) and i slowly introduced him back into my life. we started talking again and picked up where we left off when things were good, talking and both obviously changed and matured but still changed and matured in a compatible way. when he fucking told me that he loved me when we were together, i cried. when he told me that he still loved me, i can’t even say what i felt because it was so many positive feelings all at once. i legitimately turned completely around overnight just talking to him ONE TIME. i can’t even tell you why. he even made it clear at that point that he didn’t think we could be in a relationship at that time, but even with that, i still immediately felt better and more in control.

and since we started regularly talking again, overall, i’ve gotten slowly, so much better. i’ve become much more confident and in tune with myself and my emotions. i’ve felt so loved and cared about and respected and appreciated more than i’ve ever felt in my entire life. he made me feel actual nothingness in the most tranquil and serene way when he said “i just want to see you grow as a person and be happy”. it was one of the best feelings of my entire life. in fact, the only times i faltered in this overall was when i was left doubting our relationship/friendship. 

look i know i can’t depend entirely on one person to be my rock, but it’s the only thing that’s ever worked for me. i’ve been to therapy for years, i’ve done medication for years, i’ve tried exercise, dieting, yoga, meditation, and nothing even comes close to helping me the way his presence in my life helps me. i don’t know if i’m being too overwhelming for him and if i am, god i want him to tell me. i don’t ever want to hurt him or stress him out or anything like that. and like honestly, just look at where i was two summers ago compared to now. two summers ago, he didnt text me for a day and i lost my shit. i could only handle three days before i broke. now, i went a year without speaking to him at all and now i can go a week or two without talking to him as long as i see he’s okay and alive. he’s the closest thing to a best friend i have and fuck i really do love him so much. and honestly, everyone gives me so much shit for our “relationship”, but i don’t want anyone else. like duh i’m still attracted to other people and i will always be thirsty for dan howell, but realistically, i don’t want anyone else. the thought of trying to be in a relationship with someone else makes me uncomfortable. i’ve mentioned this before but i did have sex with someone else and although it wasn’t something i really 100% wanted, it opened my eyes because even though it was with someone i am attracted to and have really wanted to have sex with in the past, it was just okay. like all sex is alright, but it wasn’t very far above the bar. the whole time i just wanted to be with josh for a multitude of reasons, including that the sex we have is honestly so fucking bomb every single time. i’ve had the best sex i’ve ever had with him and he’s the only guy that i’ve ever been with who has made it a conscious effort to try and get me to cum despite me being extremely difficult in that way. and he did it once like fuck man you go.

okay anyway that got off topic and although i recognize i still have a lot of work to do, my end goal if i get the chance to continue to be in his life and maybe wonderfully finally be in an official relationship like i’ve wanted for nearly a year at this point (solidly and unwavering, anyway) is to grow so much and gain so much confidence that i have that baseline of love and support that i’ve lacked my whole life to finally have a chance at getting better and being able to hold myself up mostly or completely instead of needing someone else to be there for me not to collapse into oblivion or in on myself. 

but here’s where the overwhelming fear and pain i’ve felt lately is coming from. i’m so afraid he’s leaving me again. i absolutely can’t handle going through the worst point in my life all over again. i understand that he’s got a lot going on, and i’m more than willing to give him his space, and maybe i’m just overthinking or giving into my anxiety and paranoia and intense fear of abandonment... but when he’s posting on social media and liking things like he’s totally fine or especially replying to other people and not reaching out to talk to me, it makes me feel like i mean nothing to him anymore. i know i need to have trust but i’m still hurting from the last time he left me and the only thing that eases that pain is when i feel more secure and can actually talk to him. and i recognize that he’s very kind to me when we’ve spoken and it seemed almost like when i first reached out to him that he wanted to keep talking to me, but the last time it seemed more like he was just trying to be polite. once again, maybe i’m reading into it but i’m so so so afraid of losing him again. not even so much so afraid of losing my chance at happiness but losing this amazing human being and not being able to watch him grow and really love himself is something i absolutely don’t want. and maybe i’ve just been really stupid hoping for a relationship after he’s said time and time again that he doesn’t want one, but i really think that he’s just struggling with some stuff and he’s afraid of being in a relationship and getting hurt again, but i won’t push. i’m more than content loving him and supporting him as just a friend from him perspective or whatever. i just really don’t want to lose him.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

@lanvinlouis THANK YOU for these beautiful truthful asks and the chance to talk more about how Jeremy Is Valid

honestly i'm h e e r e .......................................................for jeremy...like from the opening number it makes it obvious that what jeremy's after isn't really anything like popularity or coolness in and of itself, he just wants like, the chance to be okay lol....really he's like, actively suffering, and he wants whatever it is he needs to change that. it isn't that he's like, inherently jealous of popularity or coolness or whatever and he's just interested in status for the sake of his own ego, it's that he feels like whenever he's just existing and trying to get from point A to point B, he's drawing this antagonism and contempt and he can't manage to change his situation on his own. and like it's not just that school is fucked up for him b/c he's already like "everything sucks" before he's even left his bedroom at the start of the day like. he's unhappy with his whole life, and now he's basically at this point where he doesn't feel like that's going to change either thanks to or independently of his own efforts, and like, that's bad....just like, in general, when somebody feels like their life NEEDS to change but that there's no chance it will, they're pretty much having an ongoing crisis for as long as that lasts. and like yeah jeremy's dealing with all these issues and is like, taking it day by day trying to go through it like it's a routine, but not only is the "things will change eventually" in doubt for him but like also his ability to actually just tolerate it indefinitely is also in doubt, even though he's been dealing with it for a long time, the problems have probably gotten worse and more numerous and then yknow meanwhile he's probably feeling less hope about things than he might've back in say middle school and such

like, he's desperate enough to actually consider the super weird advice of the guy who bullies him i guess every day. cuz like he sings right off the bat that he wants someone to help him after his own efforts fail yet again and rich is telling him about the squip right after his lowered expectations have fallen even further and, yknow, jeremy definitely is feeling like things can't change even if he tries and that he does need some external source of help and as far as he can tell, the possibility of getting a working squip is the one chance he has...and like even though it's mentioned fairly briefly i think it's efficiently established that his parents' fairly recent divorce is really pushing him to feel even worse / more desperate for something to change things up cuz like, his mom's left and his dad's not literally absent but like, is more absent. and then also jeremy's seeing his dad as being in a similar place as he is and seeing that as evidence that yeah, things might not ever change. and jeremy wants to (tell himself he can) just move on and skip being upset and just accept it as is and his dad's not facilitating that facade and jeremy resents that a bit too

anyways yeah michael!! i know ppl have already talked abt him maybe not being very empathetic and it sure does seem to fit just fine w the material and the sorts of patterns of him engaging w jeremy.........like it definitely seems as though probably the situation he and jeremy are in is that like, they're both p much settled in to the routine of high school and the approach is to just get through the day and then they can retreat to either of their houses and hang out and have things be fine there. and i think the way michael sees it is that since he's the one who's not really stressing out about things being miserable and he's got the perspective that it's all okay since they appreciate each other and college will be way better, that means jeremy would be able to feel the same way about things if he just listened to michael and adopted that same perspective. whereas jeremy's feeling like those things aren't enough to make him feel okay, and when he complains and michael has the advice to just pretty much forget about it, that's just gonna seem like michael's not offering him anything that could actually help, because their friendship alone can't make up for everything else, and he can't tolerate two more years and knowing that things might be better then don't change what he's dealing with currently. like, i think the both of them just feel like the other just isn't listening to him lol....but like i do also think that michael sort of suspects that jeremy's really not doing so great and that his own advice is inadequate, because he does seem to understand pretty easily how/why jeremy wants to actually try to get a squip.

oh yeah and that even michael's light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel Guys Like Us Are Cool In College thing is of limited comfort because it's really just more of the same. like, that they'll still just be at the mercy of this social judgment, but when they get to college it'll happen to be in their favor. and that comes up when they fight and jeremy points this out how michael Loves To Feel Superior based on his own set of coolness standards. and, you know, speaking of what they Say with regard to how some of michael's shortcomings / weaknesses played into the squiptuation, even in mitb the lyric "but through no fault of mine" suggests more that this is defensive and he maybe does suspect that he factored into it a little bit, versus the lyric just being there to be interpreted as an objective peer-reviewed Fact in the middle of this purely emotional one-person-perspective song. it's not as though it's michael's fault or that it's a bad thing that he didn't know how to help jeremy perfectly or that because he might've been selfish in some ways he deserves to lose jeremy entirely. and tbh the stuff michael said even played into jeremy's decision to block him out / leave him behind, because of how michael's take on the problem of them being Uncool was that all they could do was embrace being losers and wait it out. so when jeremy was trying to change things, michael was set up to not only be a symbol of how things used to be, but based on the things michael always told jeremy, he's also seeing michael as a symbol of things being unable to change. and he does still care about him and all and like, doesn't even want to cut him out, but he's so convinced that his own judgment and feelings are useless that he's ignoring the fact he doesn't want to. and when he fights with michael at the party, jeremy's defensive b/c his misgivings abt his squip are kind of only making him more desperate to believe it's still okay, and also he's just in a bad place for anything much less to have an argument, and michael's kind of adding in this bitterness just about being left behind that isn't helping his other points come through as mere genuine concern. like, of course he's right to be hurt, but jeremy's also right to feel hurt by michael even if michael wasn't making the choices that led to the situation. they're mad at each other and they end up fighting once again in the play Because of the fact that they love each other and they want more than to be disappointed by the other.

and ugh yeah loser geek whatever............just kill me, every time i listen to it it's such a fuckin journey through the emotions of it all and. yknow it's like they say, it's sort of a Victorious Powerful Anthem because jeremy's definitively choosing to take action to change his life, even if he's feeling swept up in that change. but he's also only able to make that choice because he really thinks so little of himself that he's taking the self-contradictory stance of "i have to entirely stop caring about how i feel if i want to achieve my goal of Feeling Good About My Life" and deciding that yeah, his own thoughts and judgment are worthless, and he's choosing to totally accept the guidance of this entity that tells him that his life sucks because everyone sees him as disgusting and awful and they're right to feel that way about him. like he's finding it that easy to accept that he just objectively sucks and that even something so inherent as his sense of what's painful or bad is just wrong, because that's how deep his flaws run. and like yeah again he acknowledges that he's being selfish right there in the lyrics, but that's not exactly meant to be like, he's acknowledging that he's also being Evil And Wrong, because technically wanting himself to be happy is selfish, and that's not bad. he just thinks that the squip is the only way he can maybe be happy, and the only way for the squip to work is if he listens to it, and he can only listen to it if he accepts that it's right about everything including how he's horrible and he can never do things right on his own etc etc etc etc. like, he obviously didn't really expect the squip to be like "you're too gross to live" but it was really not that difficult for the squip to convince him that it was right. he hates himself a lot lol.....

also just, as something generally applicable, it's also no wonder that jeremy's often frustrated with everything and that it bleeds into stuff he says and does and the choices he makes being possibly not the most thought-through or Objective, and how can lose his patience sometimes. like he's out here with his flaws and weaknesses just like anybody else, and it's miscommunication too that's leading to Conflicts / making him feel alone

anyways sorry it took me a few days to answer that and frankly this Could be longer.......neither has anything to do with how much i like getting long messages and answering with long messages and supporting and discussing jeremy heere, b/c i like all of that A Lot, @ me about it at absolutely any time and at any length

[unproduciblesmackdown]

Thoughts on kleinphy

yes.....

Every Time i want to emphasize my take that i’m totally adamant about that like, 90% of the time seems to go against ppl’s ideas abt jared and connor interacting, but i do not think at all that they would argue all the time. connor is like, the Most confrontational in that apparently he gets worked up and lashes out really easily, and i swear jared is the least confrontational. and i mean, i could also just base the idea that they’d never fight on their One Interaction. jared just halfasses what could hardly be called a comeback and bails. they could’ve argued right then but didn’t, because jared is a little baby. also jared’s bringing up that printer thing from a literal decade ago; i’d go so far as to say he’s like, definitely a bit nervous about connor in particular, maybe a bit scared of him even

so like yeah in terms of them being comfortable interacting with each other there’d be that same difficulty ppl are talking about, but like, i don’t think it’d be like oh they keep having back-and-forth spats if they get within a meter of each other, but it’d be like....jared is the Most Sensitive to direct conflict and when he’s too nervous / he’s upset, he just up and runs off. and meanwhile, connor’s over there sort of primed to read everything anyone says to him in the most negative / antagonizing way just to be safe, and what with jared not being the most sensitive when it comes to the way he talks to people, yeah there’s obviously gonna be conflict there but they’re not gonna argue with each other; if jared sets connor off somehow then jaers just gonna bail again and there won’t be any chance for actual fighting

that’s my preamble always and like, The Problem Could Be The Solution in that like, connor being liable to blow up at people, and the way jared can come off meaner than he Means and just has trouble with letting anything like a gentle demeanor or his real emotions thru his facade = kind of the biggest problems for both characters, and those problems sabotage their own happiness and also their relationships, so working on that stuff would be something that helps them on multiple fronts. and since they are both each other’s “most likely to set the other off with ur Problem AND most likely to be set off by theirs,” the idea of them figuring out how to be closer w/ each other = the idea of them having to confront their own ~Main Issue~ and be a lot more conscious of it and take care with how they’re interacting.......like, that’s a tall order, and it would be far from an overnight thing or something they could just Decide to stop struggling with / know how to fix entirely on their own....it would take a lot of effort and there’d be slipups and they’d also be having to figure out a new main coping/protective strategy to deal with their shit so like......i always see it as like, it’d definitely have to be a very slow, day-by-day, incremental process in the early stages of their relationship. they’d both be getting used to the idea of trusting the other to not actually be interested in hurting them, and that kind of trust would be best established by like, just taking time and getting these pretty consistently repeated examples from the other that gives them that reason to have that trust. just sort of small scale intimacy at that point, like, maybe neither of them are expecting to be great friends or anything, but for both of them it’s a big deal just having a kind-of friend that’s still real, so. talking and texting sometimes and small, everyday sorts of favors and kindnesses would be reasonable and contribute to building that sense that hey, this is actually okay

and like, this whole Process of trying to rein themselves in a bit would mean they’d understand why the other needs them to do that, aka they’d understand that the other is like, also all emotionally vulnerable and sensitive cuz that’s all the teens for you..........but then anyways in my mind anyways it’s like oh hey, as they continue to get closer they’d have that Understanding and want to continue that dynamic of being kind of soft with the other cuz they want that softness in return......like every step of being closer to each other keeps needing time so they can go slowly and build up confidence in each other gradually enough to quiet everyone’s insecurity, yknow? not to say nobody can make a damn move every now and then whether in terms of being like hey i want you to know i care about you or in terms of like hey let’s kiss maybe, but like, overall i just think everything would actually be really like, gentle and cautious and be more about slowly and carefully setting this foundation of consistency and trust even in terms of “i can talk to this guy if we see each other and it’ll be fine” and then slowly and carefully build up to “we’re sort-of friends-ish who might text each other now and then or hang out for a bit if we don’t have anything better to do” and then build up to “oops we’re friends for real i guess and i didn’t exactly notice the transition to it” and yknow, on from there

like idk the way i think about it is more in terms of it’s actually kind of quiet and messy conflicts couldn’t be their Normal b/c a) they wouldn’t have fights cuz b) jared for sure would just bail at that sign of conflict especially if connor’s rly acting out and like c) also connor seems to also have that tendency to bail, so. each instance of Fight / Conflict would be a big problem that they’d have to deal with and get through, rather than something that just happens constantly with both of them exacerbating each occasion and it’s not a huge deal to either of them beyond being annoying or whatever.....

anyways tldr Yeah and i have a tag for it so there’s also that