#I haven’t had the energy to do stuff I really enjoy in WEEKS

[bookclubforghosts]

Depression is really kicking my ass recently but I will persist regardless

[winstonsns]

may i request the gang w a reader who has bpd? like, frequent mood swings, etc etc? tysm 💕

the gang with bpd!reader (request)

authors note: bpd stands for borderline personality disorder, in which the person has long patterns of unstable emotions. could last for weeks or even months, basically episodes. i’m not that educated on this subject, so sorry if this is offensive. enjoy 💗

includes ponyboy, johnny, soda, darry, dally, two-bit and steve

word count: 2.1k

warnings: depression, fights, slightly suggestive

PONYBOY CURTIS

you haven’t been in the right headspace for the past few weeks, so your grades started to slip

ponyboy would try and help you do your homework, even doing your homework for you but you wouldn’t have the energy to even try

but then, you had a test and you tried real hard to get a good grade, studying and stressing all over it for days

after you took the test and got your grade back, seeing it was an A, you suddenly felt better

at the end of the day, you and pony decided to go back to your house to study

he noticed you were talking more and laughing, so he asked you what happened

you smiled and told him you got a good grade on your test, for the first time in a while

you switched the topic and continued smiling, and pony looked at you with love

he was glad that you were feeling better, and he suspected you’d stay happy for weeks

he sometimes gets confused when you randomly switch but doesn’t say much about it

he’ll ask you about it later but not in the moment, especially if other people are there too

he knows you like it when he reads to you, so when you’re feeling upset, he’ll read to you so maybe you’ll feel better

he doesn’t want you to get frustrated if you’re not included in things, so he’ll always invite you to his track meets and will tell you about all the drama that happens if you don’t know about it

when you’re in a depressive state, he’ll help you plan things and start a routine

he just wants you to feel in control so you know what to do and have a sense of purpose

he also asks soda and darry for advice since they know you’re going through stuff, so occasionally they’ll help you out too

JOHNNY CADE

his parents were yelling at him so he went to your house, he knew his parents wouldn’t care

the only thing he was worried about was the fact that you were still in a depressive state, and he didn’t want you to feel more sad because of what he was going through

so when he knocked on your door and you answered, your eyes lit up and you smiled widely

he was shocked and didn’t know why you were so happy, but smiled back at you

you told him you were happy to see him unannounced, but asked why he came by

he told about what happened, so you invited him in and made cupcakes together

he knows what it’s like to be in a depressive state, so he’ll always try and help you feel in touch with the world

he tried to help you focus on things more and really take in information while paying attention

like focusing on how things move or sound, how strong smells are and how loud things are, how specific tastes are sweet, salty, hot, etc

when you’re happy, he tries to keep you like that by randomly checking up on you to see how you’re doing

he’ll also offer to do things for you like carrying or cleaning things for you

he just wants to make things easier for you, but of course that doesn’t always works

johnny loves you and makes sure you know it, always telling you you’re amazing and beautiful, that he appreciates everything you do, etc

SODAPOP CURTIS

you were at soda’s house, waiting for him to come back from work

you weren’t feeling that great but were trying your best to make him think you were at least feeling ok

when you hear the door opening and a creak, you look over to see soda with a dairy queen bag and two drinks

seeing his smile and the fact that he thought about you enough to bring you food made you switch

you got up from the chair and walked over to him, he put down the food

you put your hands and cradled his face while giving him a long kiss, then tracing your hand down his chest

after the two of you pulled away from the kiss, he looked down at you with a smile and said “glad you’re feeling better, sweetheart”

he’s naturally a very bubbly person and is a romantic at heart, you cannot change my mind

he literally worships the ground you walk on and will do that no matter how you’re feeling

if you’re feeling extra bad and hardly have the energy to get out of bed, he’ll take some days off work to spend more time with you

he just wants you to feel good but doesn’t always know how to handle it

he knows what it’s like to feel unheard, so he checks up on you a lot no matter how you’re feeling

when you’re happy, the two of you will go on cute little dates together

he’ll buy you a pretty necklace for your date and it’s an S for his name

when you’re angry, he’ll always try and calm you down without yelling

you try your best to not yell either since both of you know it doesn’t get you anywhere

DARRY CURTIS

you weren’t feeling that good for the past couple weeks ever since pony and johnny ran away

you stayed at darry’s house for a while, he was worried sick about the two boys

then you heard the phone ring, so you looked at darry, and he motioned you to go answer it

you got up off the counter and into the living room, where the phone was ringing loudly

picking up the phone, you said, “y/n l/n, what do you need?”

the person on the other end asked, “is darry curtis there? his brother and friend are in the hospital.”

your eyes went wide and you felt happy that the boys were back, but scared as to why they were in the hospital

you put the phone down without answering back, and ran to darry to tell him what had happened

he yelled for soda to come down since they had to go see pony and johnny in the hospital

he immediately went out the door and drove you two to the hospital, and you went to the floor where pony and johnny were

when you saw pony sitting on the chair, you smiled widely

darry was happy to see you feeling good again, but was still worried about why pony and johnny where there

he can get really impatient and frustrated with you at times but tries to stay calm because you can’t control how you act sometimes

most of the time, he knows when you’re struggling and tries to help you

so sometimes he’ll schedule an emergency therapy if you’re in a really bad mental state for whatever reason

he really cares about you but doesn’t always have the time or patience to try and reason with you

when you’re happy and feeling good, he’ll take you out to different places

sometimes it’s a restaurant and sometimes it’s just a little activity for you two to do together

he really likes cooking, so he’ll make food for you and will try new recipes

he’ll ask you to help him out with cooking since he knows you like to be a part of things

when you’re feeling sad, he tries to get you out of that mindset as soon as possible

he’ll still include you in hangouts in hope that you’ll feel better

DALLAS WINSTON

you were in one of your episodes, specifically one where you were mad all the time, which lasted for a few weeks

you knew you couldn’t do much about it, but dally would always try to get you out of the pissed off mindset

he always tried to make you feel better, even though most of the time, it wouldn’t do anything

he still wanted you to know he loves you, even if you wouldn’t appreciate it in the moment, you would appreciate it later when you were feeling better

today was your birthday, however, so dally took you out for dinner and actually paid

that got you out of your mad mindset, and he saw the moment you switched over to being happy

seeing that might’ve made him the happiest he’s ever been, knowing that he was the one to get you to switch over

you smiled and apologized for how you acted a few days ago, the two of you got into an argument

he brushed it off and said it was okay, and the two of you continued your dinner

when you were in your depressive episodes, he would help you shower, eat and go on walks since you hardly had the energy to get up

he would bathe you and buy you meals so you could eat

making you go outside at least every few days, the two of you would go on walks since he wanted you to get fresh air

when you were feeling mad, and you would feel that way for weeks, he would mostly stay away even though it was difficult for him

you were feeling happy and told him that if you were being all pissy at him, he should just not talk to you

you didn’t want to ruin your relationship or say something you didn’t mean, so you don’t him not to interact with you at those times

he still would, though, he would do little check ups on you to see if you were feeling okay, or if you wanted anything

if you were happy, he tried to keep you in that state for as long as he could

he thought you would stay happier if he gave you things, a lot of attention, and was overall with you more

it did work for a bit, until you randomly switched over, but he didn’t understand why

he would get impatient and frustrated with you at some points, but always managed to push through since he cared about you so much

TWO-BIT MATTHEWS

feeling bad the past couple weeks, two-bit decided to invite you to hang out with the gang

he just wants you to get some fresh air and to socialize with others, since you hadn’t in a few weeks

all of you were getting milkshakes at a diner and were talking

you drank a bit of your milkshake when two-bit started talking

then he made a joke about someone at another table, and of course everyone laughed, including you

he looked to you and smiled, weirdly proud of himself for getting you to feel better

he’d always try to make jokes even if you weren’t feeling the best

when you aren’t feeling that well, he’ll bring you to the drive-in so you can spend time together and just to try to help you feel better

STEVE RANDLE

the two of you were randomly talking while he was on his break at work, you decided to visit him at the DX

both of you were sitting down in the back, eating burgers and drinking soda

he asked you how school was going for you, and your eyes lit up

you started moving your hands around a lot and kicking your feet, talking about a fun project you were working on with your friends

he listened and continued asking questions in order to lengthen the conversation since you seemed excited

you didn’t think much about how you were down and now you were happy, so you started talking about some drama between a boy and girl in your class

he was normally the one to talk, but enjoyed hearing you talk more than you normally did

when you’re not feeling the best, he’ll bring you into the DX so you can help him fix up cars

it’s just a new thing for you to learn and to hang out with each other

he’s weirdly smart in some ways, so he’ll occasionally help you with history, since he was always into that

when you were feeling really happy, he’d invite you to hang out with the gang

he knew you appreciated it and would invite you whenever he could

(if you can’t tell, i never have ideas for steve so sorry)

authors note: sorry i’m posting this late! i hope you guys enjoyed reading, sorry if this was offensive or really unrealistic. i’m making a chocolate cake so maybe ill show you guys when im done :3💗

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman-Part 67

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe: Military School

Words: 6K

Masterlist

———————————————————————

Friday, March 5th; 11:15 PM - On the plane.

"Sweetheart," Lucy whispers to me. "We're about to land."

I groan, sinking into what seems to be her neck, judging by the familiar scent reaching my nose. I’m so comfortable. I don’t want to open my eyes, but I feel like I have to when she alternates between caressing and shaking my thigh. A grumble escapes me, making my girlfriend laugh.

"Come on, sleepyhead. Don't make me take drastic measures."

I can’t help but smile. I missed that nickname.

"I’d like to see you try."

My voice is rough, betraying my six hours of sleep. Lucy runs her hand through my hair, making me hum with satisfaction. Reuniting with her after a week of classes feels so good. I’ve worked so hard that I’m completely drained. I pull back to stretch, and Lucy waits until I’m done to kiss me. I glance to the other side, where Ingrid is still lost in her own world with her headphones on. Either she woke up before me, or she hasn’t moved since takeoff.

"Am I the only one who slept?" I ask.

"Mmhmm," she teases.

I sigh and cuddle back against Lucy. We still have a few minutes left. She kisses the top of my head, making me shiver.

"It feels like ages since I’ve been home."

"A month," Lucy comments.

"It feels longer."

It really does. Ingrid and Mapi had started dating at my place. A little month, and yet so much happiness has been shared since then. I hope it lasts. The plane lands smoothly, and the passengers disembark with a bit of jostling. Shay wasn’t here this time, but I hope to see her on the way back. I liked her. We make our way to the terminal. Hector is picking us up, but I’m not surprised to see Mapi by his side. She rushes into her beloved’s arms, who welcomes her warmly. We take the opportunity to greet my driver, who seems happy to see us again. After picking up our luggage, we head out. I sit up front to give Mapi and Ingrid time to catch up. As for me, I’ll have plenty of time to enjoy the arms of my girlfriend, which I missed so much last night. I sleep much better with her, but I’m not complaining. We have weekends, and not everyone is that lucky. 

The ride is short. Mapi's conversations make time fly. Everyone seems full of energy except me, even though I slept. I’m lucky my suitcase is the lightest. I didn’t bring much, following Lucy’s advice. That way, I’ll be able to bring some stuff back to Manchester. Our move is progressing, and it makes me happy. When we arrive at the house, I expect Lucy to greet me, but to my surprise, my mom welcomes us instead.

"Good evening, girls. I hope you had a good trip."

"Hey, Mom. Yeah, it wasn’t too bad."

"Speak for yourself. You slept the whole way," Ingrid mocks, making Mapi laugh.

I glare at her, but Lucy quickly pulls me into her arms to ease my tension.

"Okay, that’s enough."

"Can we go upstairs?" I suggest with a tired sigh.

I’m not in the mood to face everything right now, even though I came to settle many things. Lucy smiles and kisses my forehead.

"Yes, I think we’re all exhausted."

"We’ll chat tomorrow morning over breakfast," my mom agrees.

"You’ll be there?" I ask, surprised.

"I’m on duty for a few hours in the late afternoon tomorrow, but otherwise, I’m free for the weekend. I had some hours to take, so I arranged it because I knew you’d be coming."

"Oh... okay. Do you know if Joan is in my room?"

"I don’t think so. I put him to bed in his own room, and I haven’t heard a peep since. Who knows, maybe he’s changed rooms."

I nod and thank her for the info, though it doesn’t help much. We exchange goodnights before heading upstairs. The girls take their usual room, and Lucy and I go to mine. I don’t turn on the light until I’m sure my brother isn’t there. Surprisingly, he’s really not, but I’m not going to complain. It means I can enjoy Lucy’s company as much as I want.

"I’m going to change," Lucy announces after rummaging through her suitcase.

"Yep. Hurry up."

She winks at me before slipping behind the bathroom door. She acts like she’s at home, and I love it. I quickly change in the dressing room, wearing one of my dad’s old T-shirts. I don’t bother with shorts since the shirt falls almost mid-thigh. Lucy’s seen me in less, and I feel comfortable with her now. It’s not like she’d take advantage of the situation. I’m done by the time she reopens the door. I join her to brush my teeth, admiring her curves highlighted by a tank top and shorts while she finishes the task herself.

"I’m almost done," she says with a mouthful.

"Take your time," I reply with a smile.

She rinses and wipes her mouth, finally giving me space. I quickly brush my teeth and rush to join her in bed, where she’s already lying down. I make sure to turn off all the lights before lying beside her. A satisfied sigh escapes me. I particularly love my bed, especially when I’m sharing it with Lucy.

"For a change, could you hold me tonight?" she asks unexpectedly.

Her request catches me off guard, but I immediately turn toward her and wrap my arms around her.

"You don’t need to ask," I murmur. "Come here."

A few seconds later, I can feel her against me, her breath brushing my chest. My T-shirt had ridden up, but I didn’t mind. Lucy took the opportunity to slip her arms underneath. I wasn’t wearing a bra, but she didn’t push the intimacy.

"I missed you," she whispers.

"I missed you too," I admit. "So much."

I kiss her face repeatedly. She hums little sounds of amusement.

"Good night, my love," I finish, kissing her lips.

"Good night," she mumbles in return. "I love you."

Smiling, I fall asleep without any trouble.

Saturday, March 6th; 9:30 AM - At Ona’s house.

The atmosphere in the house felt strange this morning. When Lucy and I came downstairs, I was surprised to find Marcus in the living room, reading the newspaper, waiting for breakfast. That wasn’t all. Samuel wasn’t in the kitchen today. It was my mom making pancakes, burning her fingers in the process, with Joan. Something had definitely changed.

"Morning," I mumbled.

"Ona!"

"Oh, hey girls. Did you sleep well?"

I hugged my brother as Lucy answered my mom, saying everything was fine.

"Where’s Samuel?" I asked.

"I gave him the weekend off. Marcus and I are here, so we didn’t want to bother him."

"Oh..."

I struggled to hide my disappointment. I would have loved to see him again, just like I miss Lucy so much.

"Can we help with anything?" Lucy offered, noticing my reaction.

"The table isn’t set yet, but don’t worry about it. I’ll do it when I’m done here."

"No, we’ll do it," Lucy insisted. "Will you help me, sweetheart? I don’t know where the silverware is."

9

I obey without showing my joy. First, I set Joan down after kissing his cheek. Then, I help Lucy find everything and bring it to the dining room.

"She's trying to be nice, so please, don't lose your temper," my girlfriend scolds me when we're alone.

"Something's off. This house has never been this calm and full before," I say, placing the silverware after Lucy set the plates down.

She stops and cups my face, making it impossible for me to look away.

"Stop overthinking."

"You don't know them," I say, raising my voice in a whisper, forcing her to let go. "They’ve never spent a weekend together at home."

"Maybe they talked things out. Didn’t you say things weren’t going well with Joan?"

"Hmm," I respond uncertainly. "Usually, when things seem this way, something bad is about to happen."

She sighs, offering a small smile.

"Nothing will happen today if you just relax. I'm here, okay? And I always will be. Just stop expecting the worst in this house."

I sigh and nod, struggling to believe her, but I’ll trust her for now. Mapi and Ingrid interrupt us at that moment, and then my mother enters with a huge plate of pancakes. The girls look happy and it’s nice to see. We sit down for breakfast. I’m having a hard time enjoying myself, especially since Joan has placed himself between Lucy and me. I notice he seems more cheerful than last week when he stayed with us. Maybe Lucy is right. Conversations start flowing at the table. I don't feel like joining in, too lost in my thoughts, and Lucy notices. When she finishes eating, she lets her hand linger near my neck, a silent reminder of her support, all while sipping her coffee and engaging in the discussion.

"What do you all have planned today?" my mother asks.

"We’re not sure yet. Nothing special," Lucy replies.

"But I can tell you we won't be here tonight," I say calmly.

"Yeah, it’s going to be a party!" Mapi adds.

"Really? You’re going out? Where to?" my mother asks excitedly.

"Ah, that’s a surprise. It’s our couples' anniversary, so we’re celebrating!" Mapi grins.

"Already? Time flies."

I sigh softly. If Lucy weren’t touching me, I would've gotten up long ago to clear my plate. My mother, sitting next to me at the head of the table, smiles at me timidly, but I don't return it. I feel uncomfortable in this picture-perfect family atmosphere.

"I’d like to take a walk along the beach," I say to Lucy. "It’s been a long time since I’ve been."

"We can go, if you want. The weather looks nice outside, and I haven’t been yet," she replies.

"It’s already warmer than Manchester," I remark.

"You’ll have to get used to it," she teases.

I smile, nodding. It’s the right time to share the news. We haven’t told anyone yet, and while it might seem obvious, it’s good to confirm it.

"I’ve decided to move in with Lucy," I announce bluntly.

"Really?" Ingrid exclaims. "Since when?"

"You two are so secretive, it’s unbelievable," Mapi adds, looking more surprised than anything.

My smile widens despite myself. She really knows how to lighten the mood. I glance at Lucy, who keeps supporting me from where she sits.

"We decided last week."

"Well, the house will stay quiet, then," Marcus comments.

"It’s sudden," my mother adds.

"It was a bit of an impulsive decision," Lucy admits.

"We had a bit of a spat over the gallery’s response," I explain.

"Oh, did you finally get an answer?" my mother asks, surprised. "What did they say?"

"They want to send me to Cardiff. I’m applying elsewhere. We prepared my applications this week, and they were sent yesterday, just before we left."

"But it’s a good opportunity," Marcus remarks.

"I know, but I don’t want to be far from Lucy. I have a meeting with Mr. Fields next Monday. We’ll see how it goes," I shrug. "Either way, my decision is made."

"Let’s wait for the meeting first," my girlfriend interjects. "The decision isn't final yet."

I feel like she still hopes I’ll accept the offer… Or maybe she just wants to reassure my mother and Marcus? Either way, if it’s the first, she’ll have to accept it won’t happen because, for me, it’s already clear.

"Well…" my mother says, getting up from the table.

"You’ll stay for lunch, right? I’m making lasagna."

The girls look at me with starry eyes. I roll mine and end up agreeing to please them. Lasagna, of all things—one of my favorite dishes. At least we’d enjoy the morning here. Everyone pitches in to clear the table first. I'm not sure how it happened, but at one point, I found myself alone with my mother in the kitchen, loading the dishwasher.

"So…" she starts. "Everything’s good with Lucy?"

"Uh, yeah. I think my decision to move in with her says a lot."

"True…"

"And how’s Joan? Is he behaving better?"

I had checked in with her last week to make sure Mapi and Joan had arrived safely. I’d briefly mentioned my concerns, but since it was late in Barcelona, we hadn’t had time to delve deeper into the conversation.

"A little. We’re slowly getting him back on track. Marcus and I have adjusted our schedules so one of us is always around to be with him."

I nod. Lucy was right. That’s already a good step. I didn’t have that privilege. Lucy was the one who took care of me when I got home from school.

"During the day, he’s fine. The main issue is after school. But we can’t always be available; we both have demanding jobs."

"At least he’s seeing you more. What about Sofia and Sam? You’re not planning to let them go, are you?"

"Oh no! They do so much for us that the thought never crossed our minds. Now that we’re around more, we try to give them more time off when it suits them. I think Samuel even went away for the weekend with his boyfriend."

"Okay," I murmur. "That’s good, then."

I turn around when I hear footsteps and feel relieved to see Lucy. Her timing couldn’t have been better. She brings in the last of the dishes. We exchange a smile.

"Need any help here?"

"Oh no, we’re almost done."

"The girls are settled on the couch. Apparently, Joan picked Mulan… The animated one, of course."

I chuckle softly, just imagining Mapi watching a Disney movie. I stop when I realize Lucy is serious.

"Really?"

"Yep. And he’s asking for you, but I bet you guessed that."

I groan, causing my mother to laugh. I hadn’t imagined our morning ending like this, but well, we’re family after all.

"Go ahead. I’ll finish up."

"Thanks."

I put away the last plate before heading off with my girlfriend. She wraps her arm around my shoulders, pulling me close.

"Everything okay?" she asks, kissing my temple.

"Let’s say it is…" I exhale.

"Did she tell you what she wanted to?"

I frown, realizing I’d completely forgotten about that in the middle of everything. She had insisted on sharing some big news.

"No. I forgot all about it. We talked about Joan instead."

"You’ll tell me later," she says as we enter the living room.

The couch has been pulled out into a bed. Our friends are already lying on one side, with my brother in the middle. His face lights up when he sees us.

"Can we start?"

"Yeah, just give us a second," I laugh. "Let us settle in."

I sit next to her and snuggle up to Lucy when she joins me. Maybe this moment won’t be as bad as I thought. My brother starts the movie, but honestly, I don’t pay much attention. I’m too focused on the soothing touch of my girlfriend. It’s so comforting and relaxing.

Saturday, March 6th, 6:30 PM – At Ona’s Place

I’m nervous. I look at myself in the mirror one more time. I think I look beautiful, wearing a dress and heels. I hope Lucy finds me beautiful too. I’m not used to seeing myself like this, even less with Mapi, who’s sitting on my bed looking just as stylish.

"Everything will be fine, you know," she teases. "It’s not like this is your first date."

"I know," I murmur. "Do you have the tickets I asked for?"

"Oh yeah, they’re downstairs," she says, standing up.

"Downstairs? What are they doing down there?"

"Well, did you think I’d risk Ingrid finding them? The last thing I needed was her thinking they were for her, and then I’d have to explain everything."

"Hum..."

I take a deep breath. I’m a little scared. I planned to go to the Barcelona theatre for a show. I had fallen in love with it and wanted Lucy to experience our theatre. This was the perfect opportunity. But of course, dinner had to come first. I chose a casual restaurant. I wanted to impress, but not too much. I wanted it to feel like us. We didn’t need anything grandiose—just a moment to share, like we always love.

"Alright, can we go down? I’m sure the girls are already waiting for us."

"Yeah, I think so."

She laughs, patting my back.

"Come on, stop. You’ve already won her heart. Tonight’s just a romantic evening."

She winks at me, and I smile. She’s right. We just need to enjoy ourselves. That’s the theme of this weekend. The afternoon was already amazing by the beach. I loved seeing it again. I missed the scenery, but I can’t complain about where I am now.

"Let’s go. We don’t want to keep them waiting."

The girls got ready in the guest room that Mapi and Ingrid were staying in. Lucy just grabbed her bag and locked herself in there. Now, I’m eager to see her again. We head downstairs quietly. My anxiety returns as we descend the stairs. I hope we’re the first ones down, but of course, we’re not. Ingrid and Lucy are already there, chatting and even laughing with my mom. She looks stunning, just as I expected. She’s wearing a navy blue dress with an open back. The front is held by a strap around her neck. I stand there for a moment, just admiring her. She’s the first to move, walking toward me in her white heels. She takes my hand to help me down the last few steps and plants a kiss on it.

"You look stunning, my love," she murmurs, pulling me into her arms, making me melt completely.

"You’re not too bad yourself."

She laughs softly. I’m tempted to kiss her, but I remember we’re not alone. Mapi has joined Ingrid, and my mom is watching from the side.

"Shall we go?"

"Yes... Did you manage to get the car keys?"

"Of course. Your mom seems to trust me more than she trusts you."

"That’s undeniable," I say, rolling my eyes, making my girlfriend laugh.

"Have a great evening, girls," my mom says as we head outside.

"Thank you."

Outside, I’m surprised to see not one, but two cars. It makes things easier, but I wasn’t expecting it. There’s Hector’s car and my mom’s.

"Well, I guess this is where we part ways," Ingrid says.

It’s at that moment that I take a good look at her. It’s the first time I’ve seen her looking so different. She’s dressed up for a night out as well.

"Yeah," my girlfriend responds. "Have a great evening on your side. See you later, maybe."

As she speaks, she opens the door to my mom’s Jeep. I get in, feeling a bit uneasy. I don’t have great memories in this car, the few times I’ve been in it. It’s what she used to take me to my detox sessions at the hospital, at least when she could. Lucy takes the driver’s seat, and we’re the first to leave. I’m floating on a little cloud, with her hand resting on my thigh. She hums along to the song on the radio, and after a while, I realize she’s driving without me giving her any directions. Then, I remember—I forgot to get the tickets!

"You know!" I exclaim.

She laughs heartily, squeezing my knee in her palm.

"Sorry, baby. I hope you won’t be mad, but I made a small change to your plans."

"W-what? What do you mean?"

She smiles, glancing at me briefly before turning her eyes back to the road, knowing I prefer that.

"Mapi told Ingrid she was panicking because she lost the tickets for what you had planned, and she didn’t dare tell you."

I widen my eyes. Sure, the theatre was important to me, but I wouldn’t have been mad at Mapi for something out of her control.

"Of course, I found out and contacted Mapi. I offered to take over the planning and make it a last-minute surprise for you. So here we are. I hope you won’t be upset that I made that decision."

I exhale softly. I don’t know if I want to be mad at them or not. I was really looking forward to organizing this evening for once, but at the same time, it’s so sweet. I can’t be mad at her for this. She always wants to make me happy.

"I know you wanted to plan this evening yourself... but I just love surprising you. I can’t help it."

What did I just say? I laugh as she brings my hand to her lips. This woman will drive me crazy. I definitely can’t be mad at her.

"You’re not mad, are you?"

"No... So, what have you planned instead?"

"You’ll find out soon enough. Don’t expect anything wild. It’s just us tonight."

We had the same idea—it’s amazing. I smile, feeling at peace.

"I’m already excited then."

We reach the city center, and I recognize the street we’re on. I think I know where we’re going, but I wait until we’re closer to be sure. She must’ve gotten the idea from Mapi. There’s no other way—she doesn’t know anything about my old life, let alone my habits. She parks the car, and with a squeeze on my thigh, I understand I should stay in my seat. She walks around to open my door and offers me her arm.

"Really?" I tease playfully.

"Only the best for my lady," she replies with a mischievous grin as we start walking.

"But tonight was supposed to be my chance to be the gentlewoman. You missed the boat, what a shame."

She laughs and kisses my cheek.

"This night doesn’t belong to anyone in particular. What I mean is, it’s our night—just the two of us."

"You’re right."

I hold onto her arm and rest my head on her shoulder, smiling as I see the Arkadia sign glowing red in the distance. It’s been a while since I’ve been here.

"You know where we’re going, don’t you?"

I laugh a little, taking my eyes off the sign. She must’ve noticed my gaze. I have a lot of memories here, with Mapi and my high school friends. We used to hang out here a lot when Miller didn’t throw a party. I’m eager to see if the place has changed.

"It was obvious the second you drove by here," I admit.

"I’m becoming predictable—that’s not good."

I giggle again, leaning into her a little more.

"Don’t be silly, baby. It was unexpected, really. I was expecting the theatre, so you know."

"The theatre? That was your plan?"

"Mmhmm," I confirm. "With a nice little dinner before, but yeah."

"I didn’t know you liked that."

"It depends on the show. When my dad came back from missions, he’d take me there every time. I loved going because it was our moment, you know?"

"I see," she smiles. "One day, I’ll take you to the one in Porto."

"Are you crazy? The shows there cost an arm and a leg, and they’re not even the best. But I’d love to visit it. »

- Very well, Princess. We'll visit it when we go to Porto then.  

I smile as she opens the door for me to enter the restaurant/bar. The décor hasn’t changed one bit over the years. It’s a totally modern style with a central bar and all the tables surrounding it.  

- Oh, I can’t believe it... Ona Batlle! It’s been a while!  

- Sterling? I’m surprised. Hey.  

I awkwardly accept his embrace, which catches me off guard. He’s an old high school friend. We were never particularly close. He was an athlete, and we were always in the same class. We know each other that way, but also from a few parties we attended together thanks to mutual friends.  

- How are you? What have you been up to? he asks, stepping back.  

- I’m doing pretty well, I say as I feel a hand slide across my back.  

I glance at Lucy and give her a soft smile.  

- Let me introduce you. Sterling, an old high school classmate. Sterling, this is my girlfriend, Lucy.  

- Well, you must be doing really well, he laughs. Hi.  

He extends his hand to Lucy. She takes it for a polite handshake but doesn’t say anything.  

- Do you still hear from Mapi? he asks. She still comes by here from time to time, unlike you.  

- Oh, yes, yes. We see each other regularly when I’m here. I live in Manchester now. And you, what are you doing here? Do you work here?  

- Yeah, on weekends. I’m still in college, so I need a bit of cash.  

Lucy clears her throat, catching Sterling’s attention. I hold back a smile. She just can’t help herself.  

- I’ve reserved a table for two under the name Woods, she announces.  

- Oh yeah, sure. Sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you. It’s just been a while since we last saw each other. Come on, I’ll show you to your table.  

- Could we get one of the round tables in the back? I ask. That’s my favorite spot.  

- Yeah, I think that can be arranged.  

He takes us exactly where I wanted. I love these spots because the seating wraps around the table in an arc, and there are walls that go all the way up to the ceiling, shielding us from the other tables. The other side has chairs, but what I love most is how cozy it feels, making the space less noisy.  

- Here you go, ladies. I’ll leave you with the menus and be back to check on you.  

- Thank you.  

I slide onto the bench first, quickly followed by my girlfriend. This way, we sit side by side.  

- I can see why you like these seats, Lucy murmurs.  

- It’s perfect for tonight, don’t you think?  

- Exactly, she says, picking up the menu. We can eat and have a drink here, right?  

- We don’t have to stay here the whole night.  

- No. This is great for tonight. I even saw a pool table over there...  

- Yeah, there’s a pool table here, I giggle. Maybe it’s time for you to give me a private lesson, you being the expert. Maybe I can finally beat your friends.  

She laughs and nods.  

- That would be an idea, because you’re a walking disaster at pool.  

- Hey, that’s not my fault, I pout.  

- I never said it was, she teases. So, what do you recommend from the menu?  

- Everything, I laugh. No, for real, we could order something to share. Like this dish, look. My friends and I used to get this because it was cheap, and we could split the bill.  

- Don’t worry about the price. I’m paying tonight.  

- No, I always pay! You could let me pay for once!  

- No way, she smiles. Since I planned tonight, I’m going all the way.  

- You have a secret stash of money or something?  

She laughs heartily at my little joke. I actually wonder how much she earns because she never seems to have any complaints, considering what she owns.  

- Nonsense. I’m just well-paid, that’s all. And since I’m still in school, I don’t have daily expenses, so I save a lot. Plus, I got paid for the nights and weekends I worked... thanks to you, by the way, she laughs. So, yeah.  

- Well, when you put it like that... Do you pay for your meals?  

- No, it’s included in my contract, along with my living expenses for staying in the dorm.  

- That’s amazing!  

- Not really. It’s a private school. It’s either you or your parents, in your case, who pay for the teachers. Plus, there are partnerships, like with the government. There aren’t many schools like Camp Wiegman.  

- Did you know the Putellas and Leah and Alessia families ended up there because of a judge? I ask her.  

- Yes, I knew thanks to Ingrid.  

- Does everyone confide in you?  

- Yes. We don’t let students leave until they’ve talked at least once about why they’re there. We want it to have a freeing effect on them, you know? Not everyone has someone to listen to them.  

- That was the case for me, I murmur. But you had to push hard before I opened up.  

- That’s true, she laughs. You weren’t easy, but I understand why. It depends on the case... Like Alexia, for example. Within two weeks, we knew why she and her sister were there. Ingrid practically let her go right away. She was a good student and didn’t have any internal struggles.  

- That doesn’t surprise me. She’s always been happy and studious.  

- She was relieved to be there, you could tell.  

- Well, the school brought them stability, and she no longer had to worry about her sister taking care of everything on her own.  

- That’s true.  

A brief silence falls between us. I close the menu after glancing through it quickly. It hasn’t changed, so I already know what I’m going to order.  

- Have you decided?  

- Yeah. I’m getting what I always get.  

- And what’s that?  

- A Margarita cocktail. It’s excellent here.  

- Well then, I’ll follow your lead.  

The evening goes perfectly. We order quickly, and we talk, laugh, and eat... all while staying close to each other. I wouldn’t trade this night for anything in the world. This was our first night out alone, and I regret that we don’t do it more often. I get to hear numerous anecdotes she shares over drinks and our shared plate.  

- I’ve always wanted to travel, she tells me.  

- Really?  

- Yeah. I think the world hides so many secrets. I’ve never had the chance to go to America, for example.  

- I’ve been there once, I confess. When I was little, but honestly, I don’t remember much.  

- What country did you visit?  

- Cuba, I think, one summer. My mom loves warm places. That��s why she chose Barcelona.  

- Cuba, she murmurs. It must be a beautiful country.  

- I’d love to visit Argentina one day. I hear everything there is gorgeous.  

- That’s true, she agrees, nodding. Egypt too. It must be amazing to see a pyramid. Or New Zealand.  

- Oh, and Japan too! I add.  

- Japan? she raises an eyebrow. I’m not sure you’d like the weather there, she laughs. You’re always complaining about Manchester, and it probably rains even more there.  

- Yeah, well, I’d get used to it. It’s not like a week would kill me.  

- Noted, she smiles, popping one of the last fries from the plate into her mouth.  

- Oh no, I see what you’re up to! You need to stop getting ahead of my surprise ideas.  

- I don’t know what you’re talking about, she replies with a mischievous grin.  

- Yeah, right! You’re always one step ahead of me!  

- You’re exaggerating.  

- No, I giggle. Look at tonight. I had everything planned, and you just flipped it all.  

- I didn’t flip anything, she laughs. Maybe you had something special planned that I didn’t know about? she teases me.  

I blush, remembering what I had intended to do tonight. Maybe now is the time to make my announcement. Lucy notices my state and smiles gently.  

- Oh, so you did have something planned? she teases again.  

- Stop it, I giggle, lightly pushing her away. Or I’ll cancel what I was going to do.  

Oh, threats now?

She laughs but steps back to give me space. I clear my throat and turn slightly on the bench to face her, trying to show her that this is serious. She doesn't take it that way at all. She looks like she's teasing me, with her head resting on her hand and a small smile on her lips. I can't speak anymore. The apprehension of opening up to her leaves me speechless. But she gives me time. So I watch her, especially her beautiful eyes. From the first day, they had haunted me. I could always relive that moment as if it were yesterday. I was frozen, trapped in that disorienting vision. It was silent, for the first time that evening. I take advantage of it to gently touch her beautiful face, tracing its contours. Lucy says nothing. She lets me rediscover her with her eyes closed. I touch everywhere: her eyebrows, her chin, her nose, her lips... I linger on the latter before kissing her as tenderly as possible. We rediscover each other softly before separating again. There's no trace of amusement on her face anymore. She understands that this is serious. So, I begin.

"I love you," I murmur. "I love you so much... You're the person I've always wanted in my life. You really don’t understand what you mean to me. You make me better... you make me happy. If we ever talk about breaking up, it would never come from me. Because I love you so much. Like I've never loved anyone before. Y-you must be my soulmate. I can’t see it any other way..."

The words are strong, but I had to let them out. I’d been holding it in for too long. My eyes fill with tears. Lucy is in the same state as me. It's the first time I've seen her eyes this watery. She says nothing, though, and panic starts to rise in me. Maybe I went too far, talking about soulmates? But that’s what I feel, and she deserves to know. She, who has waited for me all this time. She, who has accepted me with my character, my flaws, and my mood swings. To be honest, I don't even like myself sometimes.

"Lucy, I-"

"Shhh."

Her fingers brush my lips, encouraging me to stay silent. She replaces them with her lips, starting another kiss. Soft at first, then rougher towards the end. We can't hold back anymore. Our emotions speak for us. We kiss, again and again, barely pausing for breath, closing the gap between us as much as possible. The only regret I have is being in a public place. I have this overwhelming urge to tear off her clothes, to discover this body that belongs to me.

"I-I want you," I whisper against her lips in a moment of euphoria.

My comment breaks the powerful connection between us. We’re both out of breath. She smiles at me before resting her forehead against mine. This moment allows us to come down from our high, eyes closed. I blush, realizing what I just said. When I open my eyes, Lucy is already looking at me. Her eyes are dilated, dark with desire. I’m speechless at the sight. She gently runs her fingers across my face.

"I love you, and I’ll make love to you one day... But definitely not on a whim and certainly not under your mother’s roof."

I burst out laughing despite myself. Tears fall from my eyes at the same time. It's adorable that she can still think of my mom in this situation. She smiles and eventually laughs too when she sees that I can't calm down. This unique moment is so us. It’s reserved, full of love, and sprinkled with joy. My laughter slowly fades. We return to the moment where we're gazing into each other's eyes. I feel silly for being so scared. With Lucy, everything was so simple. She made things feel so easy.

"I love you," I whisper again.

« and I love you," she says with a soft smile.

She knew this was a big step for me. She never even questioned my reasons. That’s admirable of her. I plan to explain it all to her one day.

"I feel like I'm starting a new life with you. It’s like I'm reliving my first times all over again. Maybe not for everything, but for most of it. I know it’s strange, but... I don’t even know how to express it."

"There’s nothing strange about that. You’ve erased your past from your mind, and now you’re starting your life over, so it feels like you’re experiencing everything for the first time again."

I nod. She completely understood what I was trying to say. She takes my hands in hers.

"I would've loved to be your first. I completely understand why you’re anxious, but you don't need to be. You won’t mess up this new chance. I fully intend to be the last person you’ll ever know that intimately."

I throw myself awkwardly into her arms, burying my head in her neck. I’ve never needed to explain much for Lucy to understand me. That’s one of the reasons I love her so much. She kisses the top of my head, holding me as tightly as she can, whispering sweet words to reassure me. Meanwhile, I keep repeating that I love her in what feels like uncontrollable sobs, overwhelmed by all the emotions coursing through me.

[headingalaxys-spicy]

hello 👋 i really love your writing 😖 i was wondering if you could write yandere alphas nordic's x darling omega who has a very high libido? 😏 thank you ❤😄

Well this is one way to start the week enjoy anon :)

Warning! This is a spicy post, so turn away now if this isn't for you!

Denmark 🇩🇰 

Finally, there is someone who can keep up with him in the bedroom. Also, destroy him. 

In order to slow you down, he does have you take a shot of Akvavit (snaps) every hour or half hour (more depending on how rough you are riding him or sucking his soul out). This, however, does backfire often because you’ll be all fired up again & you’ll want to peg him, but considering he’s bossy, he will ‘guide’ you on how to do it properly. 

Denmark even approached Japan with: “Hey! I need help making a machine that can slow Y/N in bed?” 

The dude has even tried to design a piece of furniture that can hold you in place so he doesn’t have to be bottom all the time, but he also hopes your libido would give out due to you having to contort your body so much. 

He hates admitting that he needs a break from you. The fastest he’s ever recovered was 23 hours. The longest was 4 m

When he’s not as patient, he has cuffs on the wall, tables, or bathroom counters where he’ll keep you there so he can rail you without getting injured by you thrusting back or squeezing him for all he’s got. He loves that you can beat him in bed; just intimidated is all. 

Finland 🇫🇮 

He needs some time to adjust to your abundance of energy. As you pound into him ruthlessly, Tino just grins, bears it, and moans. 

What the heck else can he do? He praises you a lot as well. 

“Y/N you’re doing great ah! But maybe can you slow down?!” He’s silently praying to god you’re going to get tired. 

Tino will want to do a lot of foreplay to start to satisfy some tension & just maybe make you not as rough and needy. (He does have a lot of costumes + props) 

On occasion, he does like to tell bad jokes that will kill the mood if you’ve milked him for all he’s got seed-wise. Or if he’s feeling up to the challenge, he’ll take meds that will help him last longer so he can attempt to keep up with you. 

Tends to like doing it in or near a sauna since it reduces your libido a little & relaxes you. Tino is able to keep his sweaty palm on your waist so that you won’t ride him like he’s a dead horse. (Also just makes getting to the aftercare a smoother transition) 

Iceland 🇮🇸 

Uhhhh like isn’t he a teenager still (he’s an adult I think????) ? Also don’t come for me but I also don’t know his human name I haven’t been able to find one on the hetalia Wikis so like yeah . 

Mans just throws a pillow at you and fucking dips. 

I'm not comfortable writing spicy stuff for him. 

Norway 🇳🇴 

Lukas can take your energy like a stoic in the eye of a storm. He can also appreciate the fact that, being a person with the gift of magical abilities, he has his own unique ways of subduing you. He utilizes his ties with his far friends to assist him in taking away some of your sexual energy and giving it to him so he can keep up. 

Lukas has toyed with different potions to slow your libido down. Some had no effect. Others made his nights with you longer and ran him absolutely rugged. He’d be out of commission for a few weeks at times. The fastest he’s able to recover is 2-3 days at the fastest but nothing sooner than that. 

Lukas thinks it a fun challenge to rail you & he likes to mysteriously whisper in your ear: 

“You’re quite the challenge, Y/N, I like that.” 

He tends to prefer you bouncing up and down on him so he can gauge how much longer he has to last while you're riding him, as your latest wave of thrusting can be particularly harsh. He may not say much else to you but grunt in pleasure and moan. He also likes to bite down on his lips and keep it to a minimum when he’s failing to keep up with you and edging towards passing out. 

Sweden

From no words at all to talking all night long like he was at a never-ending ball, you are a type of blessing he didn’t know he needed. 

The fact that you’ll slam him to the floor, the table, cabinets, bookcases, telephone booths, you name it; this tall 5’11 (182 cm) tall man is at your mercy and enjoys it. 

Berwald practically sings your praises as if he trained himself all his life to be a tenor for the Royal Swedish Opera. “Oh yes! Y/N! Y/N! Please don’t stop!” Will be among his symphony for the night. He does communicate with you when you’re hurting his junk, being too rough, or thrusting too quickly.

The two of you do argue or pull sticks over who's going to be at the bottom for that session. 

Like Denmark, he does like to have specialized furniture that he can use to wear you out & your high-ass libido. 

He can recover the quickest from having sex with you give him 12 hours and a cup of coffee, and he’s all good to go again. Only once did you manage to keep him out of commission for 4 months. 

[devildomwriter]

All Seem to Say, Throw Cares Away | Belphegor x Reader

.7K Words | GN! Reader | CW: MC has holiday stress

Belphegor had been more anxious this holiday season than ever before. Even more than the year everyone switched bodies, or the time you had to substitute Santa, it was worse than ever and it was because of you. He didn’t blame you of course because you couldn’t have known, all his stress was from seeing how anxious you were running around trying to get so many things done.

You were struggling to budget money so you could get the gifts you wanted to give everyone, you were struggling to bargain for days off work, you were sad you weren’t watching holiday movies because of how tired you were. You were stressed because you wanted to enjoy the holiday and you felt like it was happening too fast and you were getting nowhere.

Belphegor frowned as he watched you typing away on your laptop in the attic corner, trying to find some peace.

You didn’t mind him being there because he was just sleeping on the bed, but he did mind you being there because there was no way he could sleep peacefully when you were right there, stressed as all hell.

He grumbled and rolled out of bed, you didn’t so much as glance up from your screen as he trudged over to you and took a seat next to you.

You shut the laptop and turned to him, “Yes?”

He frowned and stole the laptop, “Belphie, I don’t have time to play right now,” you growled and he shook his head and held it out of your reach.

He left you no choice but to use your pact and force him to give it back. He glared, upset his plan to help you hadn’t worked but obviously, you didn’t know he was trying to help when all he’d done was steal your laptop.

“___,” he stated your name sternly. This was unusual for him so he caught your attention.

You raised a brow and prodded him to continue with what he wanted to say.

He sat on the edge of his bed as he watched you open the laptop again, “take a break,” he insisted and you shook your head.

“I have stuff to do.”

“Do it later.”

“I won’t have time later.”

“Yes, you will.”

You shook your head and stood up, prepared to find somewhere more peaceful.

Belphegor snuck up behind you and stopped you from leaving the attic. You stated quietly as he held you and without using his powers, Belphegor’s presence slowed your heart and calmed you down. You became drowsier than you already were that entire week and you allowed him to take the laptop again and set it on the top of the wardrobe.

“Belphegor, I really have things to do,” you insisted more softly.

“You have lots of Christmases left, you don’t need to do everything every year,” he pleaded and you heard pain in his voice which concerned you.

“Are you alright Belphie?” You asked, assuming he just needed your attention and he shook his head.

“No. Because you’re stressed.”

“I—“

“Don’t deny it. I haven’t gotten much sleep lately because all I can think about is how you’re forcing yourself to stay up so you can watch movies you don’t have energy watch and buy gifts that strain your pockets. You can’t enjoy Christmas because you’re forcing yourself to…” he revealed, frowning and you blinked in surprise.

“Belphie…”

He hugged you tightly. “Please, ___… just give yourself a break…I hate seeing you so stressed.”

You relaxed into his chest and relented. He had a point, maybe you’d regret taking a break later but for now, you knew you needed it, and apparently so did Belphegor.

Seeing you accepted his words, Belphegor led you back to the attic bed and tossed aside the covers. You took your sweater and slippers off and crawled onto the bed. Belphegor sat down next to you and grabbed the blankets to cover you both.

He hummed, excitedly and snuggled against you, you moved around to get comfortable and kept out a breath you didn’t know you’d been holding.

Belphegor fell asleep quickly, pleased with himself that he’d gotten through to you.

Your breathing slowed and you grew more tired, so tired you began nodding off. Before you did you grinned and whispered to the comatose demon, “Thank you Belphie.”

Belphie grinned and his embrace tightened as you both fell into a peaceful sleep, the stress of the holidays melting away.

[airborneice]

i'm late to this year’s art review thingy bc I had a reeeally busy december and then left my laptop behind when I came home so couldn’t finish any drawings or get my files 🥲 anyway I’ve been reunited with it now so!!!

it’s been a weird but mostly good year!! i started my first proper job in the anim industry and moved house twice. there’s tons of stuff i wanted to make this year but couldn’t find time for bc of the amount of. everything. going on all the time. it was actually a bit hard finding art to fill the spaces this year, which is why i had to stretch my little amount of sketchbook week stuff over two months. it’s been a little bit frustrating - i feel like i’ve learned so much from my job but i haven’t had much time to do anything to show it, but i guess that’s the trade-off. it’s cool being a small part of someone else’s idea but that means i get less time & energy for my own. i want to try and strike a better balance between the two this year and i really hope that soon i’ll be able to share the thing i’m working on i’m literally gonna die of excitement 😭

it’s been really cool getting to make more content of my ocs and see ppl enjoy it, you guys and the nice comments you leave are everything to me. i hope this new year is kind to everyone and thanks for sticking around <3

some of these i haven't posted so to give due credit -

*feb was a gift for @ewwgene-fitzherbert of our blorbos <3

*september is fanart of @the-hilda-librarians-wife’s amazing OC meiri. there will be more

[catboybiologist]

1 month HRT update and journal thingy!

So as I said in my pinned post, I'm gonna be doing a monthly kind of progress check on HRT. Well, it's been 32 days, so here it is! Here's some measurements of interest:

But, I found that the raw measurements, and a single "other column" wasn't sufficient to really catalogue my experience. So I wrote a long, probably overly detailed account of some of the things I've experienced in the past month.

And holy shit, what a month it's been.

So first off, lets start with what’s not happening. Some good, some bad. I think I missed the skin softness gene or something. I’ve really noticed no change in skin texture, and that’s often cited as the first noticeable physical change from HRT. My skin was somewhat soft before, but nothing like the transfemmes I know irl, so this was a bit disappointing. But in all honesty, it’s not that big of a deal.

The other thing that I haven’t noticed yet is a reduced aerobic capacity or physical ability. I’m sure this will come in time, but the interesting thing here is that one of my main physical activities, freediving, is actually a far more direct measurement of aerobic capacity than most others. I can’t do this in nearly a consistent enough way to actually log it, but my casual breath hold times in the couple of times I’ve been freediving since starting HRT haven’t changed. On a fairly standard dive, I usually stay down 60-70 seconds, and that’s still true. With good prep and good air conservation on the bottom (I like to hold onto rocks and kelp, and stay motionless while looking around lol), I can get 90 seconds or beyond (I don’t like pushing it). Part of the problem is that so much of this is variable, and is highly dependent on how good my equipment prep is that day (insulation and weighting), water conditions (cold and rough=more energy=shorter dives), and my boy physiology (how much I’ve eaten, caffeine intake, etc). But in general, I haven’t noticed major physical fitness changes yet. 

Weight gain has been intermittent. I’ve always been a bit swingy on my weight, and can easily go +/- 5lbs in no time at all. At one point, I was 4lbs over my pre-HRT weight (3 week interval), but now I’m down to 1 pound over. My waist is slightly thinner than it was pre-HRT, but that seems to be normal fluctuation. Where did the extra 1-3lbs go? We’ll get to that, LOL.

My waist measurement hasn’t changed, but anecdotally, I do think there’s changes going on there. The 43 inches measurement is still at my widest point, around my thighs (which have always been pretty good). Now, however, I’m noticing what seems to be some growth on areas that aren’t covered by the exact circle I’m using to measure that. My butt seems slightly bigger, although I could just be lying to myself. Time will tell.

Onto the stuff that has changed!

Mood. Oh my god mood. My resting state is no longer a crackling misery. I don’t think I was ever suicidal because of dysphoria alone, but I was certainly pushed to that point far, far easier when it was a contributing factor. I also just… didn’t enjoy anything about my body. When I was happy, it was a distraction. Now, it’s already much better. I still don’t like my body. I got a long way to go. But, I’m seeing progress, and it’s been incredible.

Emotions overall have been more intense. I’ve had a couple of downswings, and I get misty eyed easier. I haven’t had a proper cry yet, though. I get excited about things again, which was a COMPLETELY dead feeling. And I have also gotten angry at some things, which is also something I killed as a teenager because I was scared of where it took me. It hasn’t been as uncontrollable as I expected, however, and the negative emotions I’m experiencing more viscerally have been immensely cathartic. 

            And then, there's the big one. Hopefully that's literal. And that's breast growth. Almost immediately I noticed some kind of perking up, but no breast bud formation and no immediate growth. At about week 2, I was able to feel the distinct disks of breasts buds under my nipples, and my bust size started increasing. Now, at 4.5 weeks in, my bust size is 1.5 inches larger than it was pre-HRT.

           This is ludicrously fast. As in, so fast it has me questioning if I'm actually intersex or something. I think my E levels will be enlightening.

I really, REALLY don’t want to get too hopeful. But overall, if some of these trends continue… I’m gonna get a LOT curvier. Honestly, my ideal body would be pretty tight and trim… but I’m fucking estatic anyways. I’m just really, really hoping that the breast growth trend continues, and also that the tiny observations I’ve made about a bigger butt and thinner waist are actually real. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to boymode like this LMAO.

There’s also the opposite fear: if my estrogen levels are too high, it could signal the end of “puberty” too early. It’s looking like a possibility, but I gotta wait until next week for my levels check.

There’s one final set of observations I wanna put here, but y’all gotta not be weird about it LOL. I WILL block you and erase this part if you treat this as anything more than impartial observations about myself. Got it? Good. NSFW warning for the next bit.

I want to make some remarks on libido and erogenous sensitivity in general, because that has also been one of the most notable changes.

First off, I heard so many stories about HRT killing libido. Holy fuck, this has not been true for me. I’m going crazy sometimes LOL. I absolutely have a somewhat higher libido on average, but its already changed the way its expressed itself.

First off, my entire body is more sensitive to erogenous soft touch. The right kind of touch and care on my waist will feel very similar to more traditional erogenous zones. I’ve NEVER had this before, and was completely blindsided by it. I’m absolutely fascinated by what neural change caused that, but its really cool even if I don’t know the underlying explanation.

Second off, my libido spikes and hot flashes sometimes. I think this is pretty typical of anyone going under a hormonal change, and tbh I’m not surprised.

Third off is the weirdest one, and something that I’ve asked other transfemmes about, and none have been able to answer. My chest sensitivity seems to be going through very distinct mini-cycles, on the approximate span of time being one full “cycle” per week. Essentially, when I started HRT, my chest first got very sore, itchy, and sensitive to sources of pain and itchiness. It stayed like that for a few days, and then all sensitivity to the area cut out. My nipples pre-HRT were always more sensitive than other cis men, and in this phase, they were actually less sensitive than they were pre HRT. This lasted another couple of days… and then there was a period of massively increased erogenous sensitivity. Soft touches made me wild, and I started wearing  bra not for the support, but to block my shirt from rubbing against them and distracting me. Holy FUCK, this phase is insane. And then after that, they went back to sore again, and then dead again, and then erogenous again. Right now, I’m in the erogenous “phase” of what I think is the fourth cycle here since I started HRT. I have no fucking clue what’s going on. It’s not the period that some trans women report getting, its not a monthly thing. It might just be my body adjusting strangely to new hormones in general, but yeah. Its weird, bc it seems like a pretty unique thing. 

So yeah. That’s a journal thing. I had a LOT more thoughts about HRT starting beyond just the initial measurements, because so much hit me way faster than I thought it would, so I wanted to write something long form. I think I’m going to write something similar each month along with my measurements update, but I expect future writing to be much, much shorter. It’s been incredible so far, but I’m guessing less will be novel- I think things will only be different when I change aspects of my HRT regimen. We’ll see.

[bots-and-cons]

University, dropping courses and writing

University is keeping me very busy, but I’m gonna try to write and post something this week. It’s hard to stay on top of everything, but I’m trying. Writing stuff keeps me sane, and I wish I had more time for it, but I can’t really just abandon my uni work either, and it has to get done in time. I’m sleeping like 55% of my day, sometimes more but very rarely less. Idk if it’s my depression coming back, if it’s autistic burnout again or what the fuck, but I don’t like it. I have so much to do and no energy for anything. “This too shall pass but holy fuck”, as a wise person once said.

I’m drowning in school assignments. I’m going to have to drop two courses I was supposed to do this fall, because I just can’t manage the amount of work. I was originally going to do 37 credits worth of studies this fall, (one uni credit is about 27 hours of work in Finland) but I’m gonna have to drop it to 30 credits. I’m almost done with one of the bigger courses I have for this fall, but I still have two pages to write for the assignment too. It’s a ton of work, since I have to read and research so much for it. I already have 8 pages of it done, but the minimum requirement is 10 pages, so I’ve still got some work to do. I’m just hoping I don’t lose my benefits, since I’m required to do a certain amount of uni credits to keep getting my money.

I still need to talk with the guidance counselor, my tutor teacher and my psychiatric nurse about how I’m going to be lightening my workload at school, but I think it’s for the best. If I don’t drop some of my courses, I’m gonna end up on sick leave or something. I’m just gonna have to do those courses later. They’re independent courses, at least mostly, so it’s not really tied to any specific time. I really hope my teacher and the guidance counselor support me in my decision. I know the psych. nurse is gonna support me, since her job is not to get me to graduate as quickly as possible, unlike the university staff.

I feel like crap for not writing tbh. It’s not even really about the fact that I’m not posting anything, I just haven’t even had the time to write, which sucks ass. I’m gonna try to write once I finish the assignments that have deadlines next week. I think there’s three or four things that have the deadline next week, the earliest one is on Monday, but I want to get them done before that. I want to write and play Minecraft and do the things I enjoy, but I have a hard time enjoying them when the school deadlines are breathing down my neck.

Additionally, I think my tooth is chipped or something. It doesn’t hurt or anything, doesn’t even feel weird, but I can feel a sort of sharp edge on it. So that’s gonna be fun to take care of. I checked the university health services, and they’re apparently super busy and I don’t know if I’m even gonna get an appointment for this year. They luckily have a form you can use to get an appointment, so I might not have to call anyone. Their website says some of the forms have been taken offline though, because they are so busy atm. I’m incredibly bad at taking care of my teeth for multiple reasons, and think it’s finally gonna bite me in the ass.

[sarasarami10]

Avatar boys ( Neteyam) x exhausted introvert reader SFW

(I think I’ve seen this concept before but still wanted to do it my way)

(Basing this on my own experience as an introvert btw)

Warning: not a lot except maybe anxious Neteyam and a lot of fluff.

Reader has had their consciences transferred so that why they possess human stuff (idk how they would survive as introvert whitout a good depressing song and a comfy hoody)

(Takes places at the metkayna village)

Word count :900

*=actions

[my owns thought and feelings]

Author’s note: wrote this in my notes at 11pm so sorry if there are many errors.

ENJOY!

Neteyam :

- You had been extremely social all week but for the past 3 days you couldn’t bare to see anyone, not even your boyfriend neteyam.

- Of course you would get out of your room to eat with your family and other stuff but you praticaly didn’t leave your bed, either listening to sad/calm music or watching your favorite old human tv shows on you tablet. ( just relaxing really)

- The first day he didn’t really mind it. He had asked one of your sibling about you and they just said you were tired and resting at home.

- He didn’t really thought anything of it, it was true you really look exhausted the day before.

- But by the third day he started to become anxious. Your siblings didn’t have any new news of you, and honestly he didn’t understood how someone perfectly healthy could just sleep for 3 whole days.

- At this point he thought this was only an excuse to not see him which kinda made him sad, had he done something wrong or did you just suddenly stopped liking him.

- By the end of the day he decided that he had had enough and when straight to your Maori after finishing his daily tasks.

- Upon arriving at your home he saw your sibling and asked them if he could go see you. Your sibling pointed at you room and left.

- It was the first time he had been inside your room. The first thing he noticed was the many human things you had. Their was a pile of heavy looking clothes on the ground some colourful shiny trinkets hanging from the roof and you, laying there on you mattress, eyes closed, wearing a wierd top with puffy sleeves and a hood over your head (a hoodie yess).

- Seeing you asleep and not wanting to wake you up too brutally, he sat down on the floor next to your mattress and softly patted your arm to wake you up.

- You awoke from your nap and saw neteyam standing over you. You pulled your hood back revelling some weird thing that almost looked as if they were stuck in your ears (neteyam pov)

- « Hello pretty boy. What are you doing here ».

- « Why are you ignoring me…? »

- « Huh? I’m not ignoring you ? »

- « Yess you are. If not why haven’t I see you since three days ago, huh? »

- « Hahaha. I’m not ignoring you… I just didn’t went anywhere »

- « liar. How could someone sleep for three whole days »

- I didn’t just sleep… I made a few jewelry, I drew for a bit I watch my fav movies… but I mostly just slept and listen to music. »

- *genuenly confused* « why? »

- « Idk.. I just didn’t felt like doing much I was just… really tired »

- *not convinced* « haha how can someone be that tired? You didn’t even do anything physically demanding lately. »

- « Well cause I wasn’t tired in that way »

- *lays next to you facing you* « what do you mean? »

- « Well… sometimes… when I spend too much time with other people, especially exited people like children, or your brother and aonung *he smiles* my energy just get drain really fast. So I need to take some time to myself to recharge my batteries. »

- « Oh… now that I think about it… I think it happened to kiri once…. She didn’t left her room for two days. Even my dad started to worry. *You giggle* So ? What do you ueselly do to « recharge your batteries »

- You look at Him smiling and take out one of your earplug to show him.

- « I put these bad boys on and listen to some of my favorite tunes. »

- « What are they?»

- « Earphones. You put them in you ears and music comes out of it, kinda like to thing your dad makes you use to communicate [as you can see I have just remember they have those but anyways]

- He look confused but you were too tired to try to explain to him bluethoot so you just putted it in his ear and pushed to play button.

- A calming song started playing. Even tho neteyam could understand most of the lyrics, he couldn’t really understand their meaning which kinda annoyed him.

- « What are you wearing? »

- « It’s called a hoodie. »

- « Aren’t you too warm with that on? »

- « No not really, it’s more for comfort angways »

- He turned his attention back to the music but after seeing him giving it too much thinking for a while, you putted your hand on his face to shift back his focus on you, softly stroking it with your thumb *gaves you a small smile*.

- You stayed like that, looking at each other just enjoying your company until you noticed him fall asleep.

- You pushed yourself closer to him, his face resting in the crook of your chest softly stroking his hair until you too found sleep.

END for neteyam.

There is a 90% chance that a do a loak version but for aonung and rotxo it will depend how much you guys like this I guess.

[fruitssalad]

I'd love to ask about other OCs but I'm BIASED for Jacinth!!! Requesting 14, 16 and 25 ♥

AHSHDH HIHII

DWDW I MISS THEM SO BAD I LOVE TO YAP🥰❤️❤️

14 - How did they initially feel after being embraced? Did they like being reborn into something knew or did it take them a while to cope with their new reality?

It took them quite a while, and I think they still aren’t fully adjusted. In only a week— they lost their life, their home, and all sense of normalcy. It was like starting from scratch, again. They, unfortunately, have become very good at rationalizing what’s happened to them and trying to plan and way forward for their friends.

I think it finally hit them when they had to lie to their mom about what was happening. Giving her a sort of goodbye, but not really goodbye until she starts to notice they aren’t getting any older. 🥹🥹

Other than the heavy stuff, they have actually taken quite a liking to alchemy and sorcery. And have really enjoyed focusing their energy and mind on that.

16 - How good are they at acting "alive"?

WELL UHH.. ABT THAT… THEY MIGHT BE AT HUMANITY 5 NOW 🫣… they were a little tooo good at rationalizing.

I think even as a plain old mortal they struggled to relate to people, sometimes. Reading cues and tones in conversation was hard as fuck for them. And making friends was harder. Now that they’re a vampire, distancing themselves from people is easier than it might be for some. Though I think they haven’t realized how far gone they are yet.

25 - How often do they cause a masquerade breach?

SO ABT THAT (x2) they maybe … did it like twice…in their first week

but listen, Francis didn’t teach us shit so is it rlly our fault 🫣

—-

HAHDDHS BUT THANK U FOR ASKING (kissing Mina on her head also🥰🫶)

[elialys]

hey. as a fellow writer from niche fandoms and unpopular ships, can i just say i really appreciate you being upfront about how much lack of engagement sucks. really thank you. especially because it comes from someone like you who has a fair amount of engagement, but you know what? you’re right being pissed. i know i am. i come from fandoms where people are constantly yapping about lack of content yet none of them engage w/ each other. i ended up leaving bc i felt like i was screaming to a wall. and you know what? i haven’t stopped writing, just posting. bc why bother? so yeah, i AM writing for myself, and also keeping it from myself. idc if that’s petty honestly, like no, it doesn’t make me feel any better if someone out there might end up liking it one day if they’re being completely silent about it. fandoms aren’t supposed to be one-sided. i’m fine w people not reading my stuff cause they don’t like it. you can straight up tell me you hate my ship and i will be like. cool 👍 but when people do read and like your stuff and yet never say anything, that’s something that i don’t like

anyway sorry for rambling, know that you’re much appreciated. i remember you from my doctor who days and i wish i were in your fandoms so i could keep reading your stuff. ❤️

For the longest time I didn’t say anything because I realize that in a lot of cases, I’ve had what you’d call great engagement, and I’ve always been so thankful for the love my stories have received throughout various fandoms. But the decline is STEEP these days, and I have the hindsight of having been writing/sharing fics online for two decades, so I have a lot of 'data' to compare these days’ numbers to.

That’s the thing that has always gotten to me. NUMBERS. Being so, so aware of how many people click on our fics, and how few of them actually engage with a comment. Even at my most “popular”, I didn’t get more than 5% of my readers interacting with me; it felt like a lot because I had a lot of readers, so it meant more comments, but it still was only 5%.

Like you said, it’s this knowing that people are reading, that they are coming back chapter after chapter, yet they don’t bother engaging with us, even when most of us basically BEG in author notes for them to comment and make us feel less like word spewing machines and more like creative members of their online community. What really got to me this last month was updating my fic for The Last of Us, a chapter that got 1,000 hits in two weeks, and I got 10 comments for it. I was just…how the fuck are 1,000 people reading and only 10 of them bothering? Especially since that fic had averaged 3 times that amount of comments for months on previous chapters.

Every time I get disheartened by the increasingly shitty reader engagement, I tell myself that’s it, I’m done writing fics. But then I always go back to it a few days later because I actually LOVE writing fics. Like, fuck yeah, I do write for myself and actually enjoy it for myself (in a love-hate kind of writing relationship obviously 🤣). I do it because I am in love with the characters I’m writing about, and fascinated by their dynamics and relationships, so it’s genuinely a THRILL, and my biggest passion.

But the abysmal engagement these days is just…it makes me feel like shit, there’s no other word for it. Because I spend so much time and energy on those stories (because I want to and I LOVE to write), but as a fic writer, there’s always this part of me that’s excited to be SHARING it with the fandom. Because twenty years of this have gotten me used to at least some decent interaction, and feeling like I'm part of a community. But then the hit count goes up and the comment count stays low or nearly empty, and it’s just gutting. People just consume, consume, consume.

Honestly, GOOD ON YOU for still writing while deciding not to share with your niche fandom at the moment. I’m thinking I might do the same with the rest of my Tess & Ellie AU, because I want to see it through and finish it for ME, but I’m done spoon-feeding an apathetic crowd. I’ll reach out to my most loyal readers and regular commenters when the day comes, and give them a way to read the rest of the story, might even just post the chapters straight on my blog here like I used to do, but not on AO3, not for a goooooood while.

Maybe it is petty, maybe I am just butt hurt. But fuck it, it does hurt my feelings, and I’m the one spending hours of my life writing those things, so I’ll do it my way. And I will continue to call readers out, and ask them to step up. We are human beings, not chatGPT, we just want some appreciation for sharing our art.

[bromcommie]

MAXX! :))) hope you are well.

for the emoji fanfic ask game ;)

👀🎶🎢❌🤲✅

Sorry for so many haha, you don't need to answer them all, but I'm very curious!

Hiii thank you for the abundant ask<3

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please!

This might not be a particularly interesting answer but the only thing that I’ve really been trying to work on has been the structure and pacing of the next few chapters of orpheus, since I have them all mostly written but can’t get to a place where I’m really happy with them. I might be overthinking it. Unfortunately I also just haven’t had the time + energy to sit myself down and really figure it out. :( Ergo all the snippets, which is the only way I can get something out at least.

In slightly better news: I kind of have the next two installments in the I clawed my way into the light series finished?? Sam and Steve and their collective and individual issues are finally getting their moment in the strange, poetry-question-mark spotlight!

However I’ve got some intense life stuff coming up so it might be a month or so until I post any of the aforementioned in full 😭

🎶 Do you listen to music while you write? What song have you been playing on loop lately?

I usually do, and I have unhealthily elaborate playlists for all the characters + some fic-specific ones, but recently I’ve found listening to anything with distinct words in it messes with my concentration. But in terms of what’s being playing on loop: Dorma and to a lesser extent Marionette by Keaton Henson (all of his instrumentals are *chefs kiss* but in general I’ve just been having a Keaton renaissance when it comes to stevebucky. Welcome back 2016 I guess)

❌ What's a trope you will never write?

I’m a “never say never” kind of person, but… Hydra Trash Party. Which, I know, is ironic considering one of the very few fics I have up right now features Steve/Rumlow, but that one while still meant to be kinda fucked up is very much purposefully neither here nor there (and non-explicit). I just personally don’t enjoy reading HTP and it’d probably mess me up way more than I’d like to try and write. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

✅ What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to?

Answered this guy here!

🤲 Would you please share a snippet of a wip?

This is…not even a snippet, tbh, but also I don’t know when I’ll actually have the time to rework/finish this, so. Just for you, a very long Natasha-focused (plus) wip half-scene under the cut:

“Most other animals only smile when they mean to attack. Did you know that? You should never hold your hand out to a dog whose gums you can see,” Ivan’d said, dabbing at the bloody bite on her chin with a towel that smelled like a distillery, impish twist to his thick mustache. “Or a man who smiles too much, for that matter.”

Natasha only saw the dog once after that. A month later Ivan hadn’t come back to the house for a week and she went out looking the next day, winding her way out of the dead-end street and all the way up Nevsky Prospekt, looping past the crowds gathering water out of shelling holes and the hospital that was now blackened by fresh, smoldering ruins. She walked until the light on the horizon had grown tired and purple, until her legs had almost given out and she had to sit down on the icy pavement. The body of a frail old man lay face down on the ground by the side of the road across from her, his cap thrown back a few meters away and the bald top of his head unnaturally caved in, matching the bruised coloring of the sunset.

It took her a long moment to notice the dog, its bent form and the crumpled body forming a singular silhouette.

The memory is transmuted, stretched thin and faded in places – from time, for a change, she thinks, instead of just manipulation. But she still remembers her hand closed around a solid weight in her pocket, a comfort against the deafening pounding of her heart. She remembers the dog with its lifted head, its snout soaked red and sickly gums anything but bloodless for the first time. Remembers that split second of hurling the brick at it with all the might her thin body could manage.

It wasn’t a thought-out act or even self-preservation, really. The dog had been far away and otherwise preoccupied. It wouldn’t have bothered her. The reasoning was bone-deep and nauseating: she hadn’t eaten in two days, the only person who had cared for her was gone, and the sight of the blood had made her stomach growl. That brick was her only defense against a world tilted entirely off its axis.

It was a while before she fully understood what Ivan had meant by that joking addendum to an otherwise plain instruction, too cryptic for her mind to decipher at that age. It took one too many broken bones and one too many greedy hands on her body and one too many lifetimes lived unwillingly for it to fully translate.

Now, looking at Rumlow grinning that familiar killer smile and thinking he’s hit gold, it’s crystal fucking clear.

It isn’t new, really. She’s met many men like him, often enough that the novelty of exposing them has worn off: ordinary men, utterly predictable in their enjoyment of violence and small in the way of not being able to shape their fear into something more useful. Men who thought their want for power made them anything other than a soft target. Men who thought that, when the time came, they'd be above begging for their life.

It gets boring, after a while, how quickly they all learn. She should know. It’s what gave her her name, back before she decided to hang up that particular title, trade it in for an upgraded version, a cleaner image. Black Widow, Avenger! has a far better ring to it than Black Widow, assassin.

Just because you stop calling a thing something doesn’t mean it stops being it, of course. It might forget, for a while, become domesticated; but the nature is still there.

The children of the Red Room all understood that from the time they could walk. The Soldier understood that, or at least well enough that they had to keep burning it out of him.

“Shit. Is that what this is, then? Really?" Rumlow is saying, still derisive through cracked teeth, still playing a game he thinks he knows the rules to. "You got yourself a spot on the five o’clock news under Captain fucking America and suddenly you think that makes you the guy with the bigger stick? That that changes fuck all for you?”

“Oh, no. Believe you me, I tried being that guy. It didn’t end well for me. Or anyone else, really.” She inches the chair forward, the scrape of the metal loud in the empty apartment, and makes her voice drop to a conspiratorial tone. “But you wanna know what I realized? There are always going to be little men with big sticks, and most of us will never get to be them. And it turns out it doesn’t matter all that much in the end.”

“Big or little, every stick has its breaking point. Every weapon has its expiration date. You live through a regime or two, and you start to catch onto that real quick.” She cocks her head at him with a pensive expression, fingers running absent over that same old thin line under her chin by habit.

In retrospect, the dog she came to understand much quicker than the advice. Natasha had been hungry and afraid most of her life, too.

It’s not the only scar she has by far, but it carries the most straightforward memory. For years it served as a reminder, as banal as it was, of what trust was worth; of what you could do when you got your grubby little hands on it.

“I suppose they wouldn't teach you this since the shelf life of your usefulness was never meant to be all that long, but let me tell you a secret, Brock,” she continues, flipping the knife back the right way around and leaning in. Sunny side up, Yelena used to call it, wry. Drive it in far back enough, right past the optic nerve, and everything spills right out. She doesn’t miss the way Rumlow’s eyes track the motion, the whites showing just enough; the first crack in the facade. "You don't beat the guy with a big stick by getting a bigger one. You do it by making him think he's got you under his boot, you understand? That he’s got you all figured out. You beat him by making your spine less breakable than the stick.”

Here’s the other thing about trust: if you keep yourself in the business of lying to earn it, that’s all people start to expect from you. Your loyalty is immediately suspect. So is your anger. You keep yourself leashed for long enough, everything becomes a dishonest front, even to yourself.

Like anything else in life, it becomes a habit. A very useful, easy one, at that. Or at least until one day you wake up and you realize that the parts of you you were working to protect are dying out; withering. They’re forgetting their own name.

The attempt at a headbutt is predictable at best. She backhands him for it, follows up with the handle of the knife on the second strike for good measure.

“Now that wasn’t very smart, was it?” She says, admonishing. “And to think we were getting somewhere.”

“Was that sermon meant to get me to talk?” Rumlow manages after a heaving moment. There’s a long gash down his cheek that’s deepened, bleeding steadily onto his front. It paints less than a pretty picture with the swelling that’s already pinkening up, bringing the angry criss-cross of scarring over the rest of his pale face into sharp relief, but it feels strangely at home. Not that artistic vision’s ever been her strong suit. “Because if you think getting smacked around some really counts for anything other than good foreplay, you’ve really lost your touch.” He looks back up to grin at her, a useless show of fearlessness. “Hell, ask Rogers. I’m sure that’ll be an interesting conversation.”

But fuck, it’s hard work, breaking a habit. Even harder work: honesty. Graceless and inarticulate and inefficient, like the feeling boiling back up in her now as she looks at Rumlow, the bloody flash of his canines in the dark, and thinks of that paralyzing feeling on the wrong side of an OR window, the shameful horror of letting the world be spun on its axis and pulled from under her again. Thinks of Rogers with his broad shoulders curling in and in and in, the whole of him turned inside out in a deserted parking lot. Trust given and earned.

The next blow has Rumlow spitting teeth.

"Nah. Just thinking out loud." The knife stops half an inch under his eye, makes a home in the oasis of bruised yet unmarred skin.

Rumlow doesn’t flinch. For all of his talk, he still knows better. But she can see how his whole body freezes up, an uninterrupted taut line; the exact moment it registers for him, just how much of the picture he’s missing.

Volchonok, Ivan had called her for a while, in those early days. It’d never stuck like Black Widow did, never had the same marketing potential, but it’d never really stopped applying, either. Hungry and afraid and alone and willing to kill for the things that made her less so.

The name might’ve changed, the circumstances. The nature didn’t.

Natasha smiles; too many teeth, bloodless. "How much can your spine handle, do you think?"

It’s all too easy, in the end, to let the leash go.

(I’m sorry??)

[hotpotatoshealthjourney]

A brief introduction to what multiple sclerosis (the main thing I have) is, from someone I follow on fb. She is very good at explaining things and very real about her struggles.

It’s been a rough week. Hopefully this coming week will be better. I had to cancel home health pt on Thursday (but managed to force myself to do it on Friday instead, but it was a major struggle). My body was just beat all week. Took at least one nap every day, most days at least 2 naps. So exhausted, so sore, so mentally worn out as well.

My doc put me back on 2 of my old anxiety meds that have worked for me in the past, so hopefully those work for me in the next few weeks. I could use the help. My depression is still at bay thankfully, but my anxiety is trying hard to beat me. I won’t let it. I’m stronger now than ever before and I *will* get through this.

Sir’s first week back at week is probably a big part of why the week was so rough. It made the anxiety get so much worse I’m sure, and definitely when my mind is struggling my body struggles more too. Tomorrow is a brand new week and I’m not going to bring last week’s problems with me into the new week.

Monday I am going to make at *least* 3 of the important phone calls I need to make (hopefully more, but it depends on how the first 3 go really). Depending on how those go, I might have some really good news financially that’ll cheer me up a lot. At worst, it won’t be any worse than I thought as of beginning of this past week. At best, it will save us thousands of dollars and get some nicer stuff that we wouldn’t have been able to afford for years and years. Fingers crossed!! I’ll update about it all after I make the calls.

Pt this week was primarily focused on balance. Stuff that to anyone with a normal-ish body seems crazy easy but for me was crazy difficult. “Ok so let go of the handles to your walkers, put your feet closer than shoulder width apart, no, closer than that too, good. Now stand there a bit looking forward. Good job! Now close your eyes and do it some more!” Omg so difficult. I really thought I was going to topple over several times. There was standing on one leg for like 2 seconds each over and over - I think she let me hold on gently for those. That was so hard, cuz my weak leg didn’t want to hold me up, but the other way my weak leg also didn’t want to lift up, so it was lose lose, hehe. Then the last balance thing was really more of a stretch and was the only part I enjoyed. Little slanted triangle thing she sat on the floor in front of me. I stand on it and it stretches my calves. Feels soooo nice.

We then did 3 different arm exercises with the weight rubber band thingies, then she left and I took a nap…I was out cold like 10 minutes after she closed the door behind herself, lol. Exhausting! And Sir keeps wondering why I don’t have the energy for sex lately. He’s been horny constantly lately, and keeps coming on to me, and most of the time I’ve either been just letting him fuck me cuz I’m too tired to resist, or telling him no cuz I’m just too tired to handle it at all. I feel bad for him, poor guy, and it’s not like I haven’t been horny, I’m just so fucking exhausted. I got my dose of Ritalin upped this week so hopefully that and the anxiety meds will eventually help. Hopefully. 🤞 I remain hopeful, which continues to amaze me given all that I’m going through. I’m truly proud of myself, honestly.

[starrysnowdrop]

Hey everyone, this post might be a bit long, as I’m just wanting to get my thoughts out on stuff. Feel free to ignore it and skip. I might ramble a bit, so I apologize in advance! But first, an Aymeric dote for a much needed serotonin shot! 😘

I wanted to thank everyone who sent well wishes for my son! He just has the common cold, but since he’s special needs, it is really hard on him, and he usually has meltdowns whenever he gets sick. Needless to say, I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted to the point that I had an asthma attack earlier and I’m just now getting to relax. But don’t worry, I’ll be alright.

Along with my son being sick, it’s been hectic with IRL stuff as well. Not getting into too much extraneous detail, as it’s not important to the main point, but it’s been hard just finding the time to get gposes or any writing done with everything I have to do IRL.

Because it’s been so difficult getting anything accomplished that I already have on my WIP List, I know that I just don’t have the time or the energy to do Lalapril, or any other event for a while. I’m hoping to do Wolmeric Week though, which is the first week of May. I think that will give me the time I need to plan ahead what I want to do for it, and since it’s only a week, I think it’s pretty manageable next to a whole month for Lalapril. It will also be something of a present to myself, as my birthday is at the end of April after all.

What I can do, however, is support my fellow lala peeps out there, and cheer you all on if you are planning on doing Lalapril, or if anyone else is doing one of the other April events (Why there’s a million events just in April I have no idea…)

This next point might not be much of a surprise, as this has been kind of a thing for a few months already, but I’ve decided to put my first WoL OC Yume on hiatus for a while. I’m NOT getting rid of her, and I’m still insanely proud of the years of work I’ve put into her story and development. However, I haven’t had inspiration for her for a while now, and it is bothering me that she’s still prominent on my pinned post when all of my inspiration has been for Hali ever since I created her.

I know this might be a disappointment for those of you who have followed me for years and/or those who followed me for Yume or Yume x G’raha. But I need to do what makes me happy, and Hali makes me so happy that I want to pour my limited energy reserves into her. If this makes me lose some followers, then so be it. It can’t be helped.

But what I will do is I will make a Masterlist of all of the important Yume info, basically everything that is on my pinned post right now, and put in on a separate post. Then I’ll link that Yume Masterlist onto my pinned post instead, so that Yume’s info is still easily accessible to everyone who is curious to read it, but it’s not as misleading as it is now.

I think the last thing on my mind is the live letter, and that I’m super excited for the end of Pandaemonium, but I’m still iffy on the MSQ, as I just haven’t been that invested in it since 6.1. I am hoping that this all ties into 7.0 somehow, because right now, it is feeling like the filler arc in an anime, and I’m just ehhhhh. I don’t know if that’s part of my problem with my lack of inspiration for Yume, but it might be. I’m not sure anymore.

Anyways, if you’ve actually read all this, I thank you dearly for putting up with my rambling. I hope you all enjoy your weekend! Love ya! 💖

[chaussur-blog]

Fuck you! (English translation)

So this is a comic that i made during the summer 21 (and thought out during the year before). So it's a lil old but i'm still very proud of it! I made it with watercolors, on paper of about 17cm x 17 cm.

The original is in French so if you understand it, you can find it: here.

There's the transcription of the text at the bottom of each page in case my handwriting is a lil hard to understand (original is paper, it was made more to be read like that)

Anyhow, enjoy!

Right that moment, i felt like dying

This meant, that some things had to change

Name change : Elliott

Delete these 28 contacts? yes / no

Reorientation : sociology - economy

Hi. I am non-binary. If you can’t respect that, please go to hell xoxo. Some people, 98 [redacted]

That’s why I am here !

University ♡

red hair / unconditional love for crop tops / emo 4 ever / uncertain gender expression / new in town / side-cut

Well. This year will at least be interesting

This precise second, my world exploded

I saw \*this girl - person\*

hair!! / nice smile / hypnotizing eyes / heck of a style/ real cool piercings

… and huge gay vibes

I needed a way, a pretext to talk to them, quickly

Fortunately, the universe wasn’t relying on my subtle flirting skills (& it’s fair)

Hi, do you know where the classroom is ? For orientation

I know where that is! I’ll show you. By the way, I’m Antoine.

Nice to meet you! I’m Elliott!

Little by little, we became pretty close

Coming!

A little too close

Fuck no

of course i wanna have sex with them but i really fucked up i want to have a romantic relationship with them too and this is not what they’re gonna think fuck

of course ; but not like that

solution 1 : talk about it (that’s the right one) / solution 2 : flee

yes ; i’m an asshole

What the hell?

Hi! I can’t be your sexfriend! Sorry (yesterday was fun tho)

Jerk.

Nothing matters anymore!

I am stupid

2 missed calls

Living in a world so cold, wasting away / Living in a shell with no soul, since you’ve gone away / Living in a world so cold, counting the days / Since you’ve gone away from me

Those were bad times.

Do not sit

I found shelter in books

and I, in a whole lot of things

Lectures were really awkward

But I wanted to explain.

Elliott!

Why are you talking to me?

I’m sorry. Can we talk ?

No, not really.

I really / screwed up.

Now is high time for my best coping mechanism

Hi! I’m Alice / I’m Leo! What do you do? / I study sociology and economy. / Could you explain inflation to me? Where do the money disappear to? / Let’s dance instead.

Sure!

Using strangers / Destroying myself

Bottoms-up

Elliott… / I haven’t seen you around, I’m worried about you

Talk to me.

Please let me give you my notes

Hi.

I'm sorry you have to see that, / Antoine

Okay. So you’re obviously feeling too bad for me to help you. But I’ll support you.

Everything will be alright. / There are several steps.

But firstly, do you see your current situation as a problem? / …Yes. / Are you ready,

To try to improve it? / Yes. / You’re sure? / Yes. I’m sick of living like this.

Neat! That was step 1

Thanks, Antoine

Step 2 is to clean your flat and keep it tidy enough

doing the dishes is better than piling them in your bathtub / air is great / changing your sheets, too / getting rid of the harmful stuff

Step 3: restructuring your days and getting rid of your bad habits

Every day: / hydrate eat (3 times) / go out at least once / rest, sleep / go to class & study

Every week: / plan meals / laundry / grocery shopping / do sport

uninstall Webtoons, Twitter and Instagram. / sober of self-harm (2 days) / quit alcohol and smoking / do sport / study, but not too much / journal

But Antoine was very clear: / We’re friends. We’ll see if we can be more when you get better.

There was one step left, last but not least: going to therapy

It took me time and energy. But it was worth it.

Thank you. / No problem, Elliott

Of course, I had some trouble

But Antoine helped me each time I asked him.

Sorry / Progress isn’t linear

That’s rich, prick

I feel much better, so I’m going to ask Antoine out. Well, that’s the plan

stressed out / black dye / attempt at a fancy outfit

Knock knock

Oh hi Elliott ! Looking very smart today!

Er…

Hi… Last time, we did not communicate very well. So I’d like to ask you properly, would you go on a date (with me)?

Of course, Eliott. / Glad to know that you are still interested.

and this date,

was the first of many,

and many other rendez-vous.

Thanks, the universe

***

If you're here i would really love for you to tell me that you read it / what you thought about it so please don't hesitate to! I hearing about it 🥰

And also you can find some more drawings of them on my Instagram: here.

But yeah, thank you, i send you much love, take care of yourself :)

[divkazkdovikde]

diary entry, monday, 8th of july 2024

guess who came back from the deepest pits of hell to the world of living

i have no idea when was the last time i stopped to think about and reminiscent on my current daily life, new stuff, what was i up to and shit like that, everything is going so so fast and like 99% of time i have no idea what am i even doing. i’m tired, i’m struggling, i’m getting better and i keep getting up every day and that counts

the hell exams period was? my days pretty much consisted of school-work-sleep (if the derranged fucked up not-routine i was pulling off can be called that) on repeat.

- i started working in a coffee shop (real fancy shit- specialty coffee from the forest, boss is a little fucking arrogant bitch (she’s a joke fr) but colleagues are great tho) (it also made me a coffee snob- my greatest nightmare came true) so i’m living the ultimate college experience now

- when i was not at work i was deep down buried in school stuff, and i also went through this four weeks of school internship during the exams, since i refused to complete it in summer, which made me absolutely exhausted to death (had to wake up really fucking early for it) and the studying couldn’t go any slower.

- so i was sleep deprived, frustrated, annoyed and oversensitive for like two months straight (gay) the only people whose companny i could stomach without worrying about my social battery were my flatmate (we were absolutely in it and dying together, shout out to her for always knowing exactly what am i going through) and our friend from highschool (she’s the best, shout out to her for having all those study dates with me and motivating me to productivity, you’re a real one babe, and the girl walks for mental health after almost every session) (and shout out to star girl for even if so far, still always here (if you’re reading this, thank you, you are the best and i’m very grateful for you)

the end of the exams were rather fiasco-esque but i got through it, thank fucking god

anyway, to the fun stuff, during the semester, i had this little sidequest going on, which was doing pixel graphics for my friend’s game. mind you, i’ve never done pixel graphics before. but it was absolutely a fun thing to learn and do. i didn’t think i would enjoy it as much as i did

i also quite lived the social life, some events i enjoyed more than other, but it was lovely anyway. met some new people, saw some of my favourite people too, family time was there as well

culture wise it was not boring either, galleries, trips with friends, exploring the big city, etc etc, you name it

had my birthday somewhere in between too (broke the “i always cry on my birthday because something always fucks up and that’s why i hate them” curse)(got some of the best gifts ever too, like i’m actually so emotional, the best of them all? the new abnormal (my favourite album ever) vinyl - honestly fuck my flatmate for that, i will never top that gift)

i also kind of stole my mother’s old camera (she wasn’t using it anymore, shame on her, honestly) so i’m currently learning how to work with it

got new tattoos

i became an insane plant mom, i have so much of them now fr. two of my plants died, i really tried to save them tho, rip. and another one’s really sick now and i’m getting desperate, because i have no ideas on how to save her left. but the rest is good well and thriving

i haven’t been able to read much lately, if i finally could find the time for it, there was no energy left, so it was a bit weak on that front. but, i did read something, if i have some czech babes here - srpny, jakub stanjura (trust me, it will ruin you, it’s really good) and i started to rereading the trials of apollo (never finished it in the first time, so that’s what the goal now) and i absolutely stopped reading fanfictions (a tragedy, really, i miss it) and i haven’t played any game in weeks either (miss that too). i’m currently trying to catch up those things, since i have a bit more time sans the school

even though i haven’t got time for much of my hobbies lately, i did manage to develop a new one, it’s an obsession at this point tbh. formula one, guys. actually my brother follows it for quite some time now (we can be talking years probably) and i always was like “yeah, whatever.” but somehow, i don’t even know how, these fucking f1 reels kept showing on my instagram and i was like “wow that’s actually kind of funny and definitely cool” and then “let’s go watch dts, to see what the buzz is about” which i enjoyed at first but started to lowkey hate it, seems like a unnecessary soap opera to me, and so i decided to fuck it and just buy the subscription, so i (and my brother in extension, of-bloody-course) can watch the races and other stuff. and i absolutely live laugh love it

- fun fact: it actually helped me a lot to keep motivated. i had it on the background quite often during studying and the buzz, passion, enthusiasm and the fast shit made me buzzing too and kept me motivated, because it sparked my sport’s soul and you know how it is, once a competitor, always a competitor, “if they can drive those fucking fast cars and go through all that, i can study the fuck out of this shit” so yeah, that was and unexpected but rather great turn of events

(i would also like to apologise to everyone i ghosted and/or took ages replying to, here, my friends, my bachelor thesis leader… little miss girl was having a hard time to keep herself going guys, i’ll get better again, i promise, or i’ll certainly try to)

i’m also learning and trying to cook more, i never was really bad at it, but i also never cooked much, so i would like to improve my skills and experience. it always takes my mind off things and i find it quite therapeutic, so yeah

also my reading goal is waiting for me and i can’t wait to get back to the stack of unfinished/unread books again

i have my summer mostly planned out, going to visit some cool places too, can’t wait

i wish i could say i’m happy but life is still playing chess with me and i’ve always been terrible at chess no matter how many years i went to the chess club. but yeah well, you gotta keep going right? try to look out for yourself, keep fighting and stuff like that huh? i’ll be alright, we all will

summer’s here guys, let’s enjoy the shit out of it, i had enough of survival mode

+ current music obsessions:

- touch tank - quinnie

- so high school - t swift (dunno how that happened, smh, it’s so bad fr, but i’m vibing, let the girl vibe)

- gasoline - måneskin

- bon appétit - katy perry (yep)

- moth to a flame - swedish house mafia, the weeknd

- stargazing - myles smith

- birds of the feather - billie eilish

also my favourite playlists lately here: f1 vibes , summer vibes and sunset vibes