#I haven’t cosplayed in like 3 years for personal life reasons and it fucking sucks

[lattuce]

wanna cosplay but brain says no

[mimzy-writing-online]

Hello. I had a question regarding your post about blind characters. I have a character in my WIP that must cover their eyes.. but it’s blind. He may need to tell people he is blind to explain why he covers his eyes though. I was wondering how I might write this character without offending. Thank you :)

I think I want to start by explaining the “covering blind eyes” trope and why it has become a harmful trope. I think understanding why it’s hurtful helps everyone learn how to handle it better.

I would guess that the “blind people wear sunglasses” trope comes from Hollywood for the specific reason of 1. wanting to signal to the audience that the character is obviously blind and 2. avoid breaking the suspension of disbelief by preventing the audience from catching the sighted actor look at visual stimuli (because disabled characters are almost always played by able actors).

But this changed the way the public expects to experience blindness. If watching a sighted actor wear sunglasses and say he’s blind is all the exposure to the blind community a person has had, that’s the only model of blindness they’ll recognize. If they meet a blind person in real life who doesn’t wear sunglasses, it’s going to break this built perception and cause an uncomfortable cognitive dissonance. 

And then there is the common “cloudy-white blank gaze” that pops up in media. It stems from the fact that cataracts is the most common cause of blindness and the appearance of severe cataracts is a cloudy film in the eyes obscuring the iris and pupil. It can also alter what color a person’s eyes appears to be, making them appear paler and grey in the beginning and then as the cataract advances it becomes more yellow/brown and alters a person’s vision to appear more yellow tinted.

There are lots of other eye conditions that makes the eyes look visibly different. Albinism for instance affects the color and structure of the iris. Eyes might be congenitally misshapen. The muscles might be weak or not work and one or both eyes point significantly outward. Someone who was born blind and experienced no visual stimuli might also have weak muscles around their eyes because they never had a reason to focus their eyes on anything.

And unfortunately humans have the habit of feeling uncomfortable when they meet someone who looks very obviously different from the norm, whether that’s a personal style choice (hair color and style, tattoos, clothing choices) or something they can’t help (a visible disability, skin color, scars). 

To the paragraph above, @gothhabiba replied with:  “it's very weird & ahistorical to claim that racism or ableism are some kind of natural "human" trait.. like frankly it's apologia”

You’re right, I wasn’t thinking beyond that generalization or assumption.

Perhaps a better way to put it is: I was raised in a society where I was taught from childhood to think that there was only one kind of human being to be. White, cis, straight, abled, conservative. That’s a very western thing and that’s a thing I’m going to constantly be unlearning.

Racism and ableism and homophobia aren’t innate, that’s a western thing that was forced onto the rest of the world by colonialism. And because western media created this idea that the world is white, abled, cis, straight, and Christian-value leaning, it taught people to think that was the norm so that seeing someone different from that archetype would cause a cognitive dissonance, which causes discomfort.

And instead of working past that cognitive dissonance to learn more and realize there’s so much more to life than media taught you, society encourages you to ignore that cognitive dissonance by sticking your head in the sand-- or TV screen.

So combine these two tropes or common beliefs together and you get something a little dangerous: the idea that blind people cover their eyes because they look obviously different and they’re ashamed (or should be ashamed) of that.

And if you’re someone who’s just gone blind or who was born blind and you have little to no contact with the blind community, then this societal belief that you should be ashamed of how your eyes look becomes detrimental to your self-esteem and further builds internalized ableism.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve read or watched a blind character cover their eyes with sunglasses because they were ashamed of how their eyes looked. And I distinctly remember a few times where a sighted friend of the character was trying to convince them to stop wearing sunglasses because there’s nothing wrong with looking different--which is true, but it plays into this fantasy of being the perfect abled ally who saves the blind character from being miserable. 

In an ideal world, the character has no reason to believe looking different is a bad thing or diminishes their worth or makes people dislike them. And if they develop this belief, it’s more likely that someone more involved in the disabled community, most likely someone disabled themselves, will set them straight. Or that the character will learn to accept themselves on their own, looks included.

But there are some perfectly valid reasons for any blind person to wear sunglasses. They might have an interest in fashion and sunglasses complete the look they’re going for. They could want to protect their eyes from UV rays while they’re outside. They may experience light sensitivity and sunglasses reduces any discomfort or pain. Those are incredibly common reasons to wear sunglasses whether you’re sighted or blind.

But there are some more complicated situations.

In your words, your character must cover his eyes. You never specified why, so my primary guess is that he has some kind of power that is unpleasant or has devastating affects and the only way to prevent it is to keep his eyes covered. My primary guess stems from this post where an anon and I discussed a retelling of Medusa, a hypothetical blinding of oneself to avoid ever killing anyone ever again, and what I think I would do if I was in that scenario.

So how do you write a blind character who must cover their eyes and avoid some of the complications?

1. Your character must always have the ability to say “fuck off, it’s my business, I don’t have to tell you why I’m blind or why I cover my eyes.”

Most blind people really, really don’t want to get into the nitty-gritty of why they’re blind and how they feel about it and what it’s like being blind with a stranger they’ll never see again or a new acquaintance they don’t know well yet. You have exceptions to that rule where sure, educating the public about blindness is a thing you want to do and you’re committed to helping your community, but I still have days where I don’t want to talk about being blind or disclose my medical crap.

And if someone doesn’t respect their right to their privacy or pushes too much, the blind character is allowed to be angry, is allowed to tell them off and complain without anyone else in the situation vilifying them or saying they’re “overreacting” and “should have just disclosed private information because big deal or whatever.” If they are angry, that’s their right, and it’s not unreasonable, it doesn’t make them a bad person.

2. Your character should not be ashamed of being blind or of covering their eyes. It is a part of their life, they’re used to it by now, even if they weren’t in the beginning.

The shame and internalized ableism is something that should be written about, but that’s for an own-voices story with a blind author. I don’t think an abled person will ever be able to understand how much society expects you to hate yourself and your disability because “being disabled is a tragic thing that ruins your life” and how that does affect your mental health, self esteem, your relationships with others, your medical care, and what kind of accommodations you can get.

3. It wouldn’t hurt to have a few sarcastic lines in response to uncomfortable conversations.

Stranger: so what’s with the...

Blind Character: what’s with what?

S: the... you know

BC: you’re gonna have to be a bit more specific

S: Your eyes?

BC: They’re... eyes

S: but you’re...

BC: Blind?

S: uh...

BC: yeah, I’m blind. *walks away*

Or this conversation:

S: *to some other character* so why are his eyes covered?

(author’s note: which, honestly, that’s fucking rude. At least have the guts to ask me yourself)

BC: If I look anyone in the eye they instantly perish.

*awkward silence*

BC: instantly.

Friend: It’s truly tragic

BC: *melancholic* that’s how I lost my sister. *chokes up* She was so young

Or this conversation:

S: Why are you wearing that?

BC: It’s called fashion Karen!

Or this conversation:

S: are you like... blind?

BC: yes?? why wouldn’t I be?? Wait, are you sighted? Are you one of those sighted people? You poor thing! What caused you to gain your sight? Do you have a car? A bike? Were you born sighted? What’s it like to see color? Do you miss not having to see 

God, I want a chance to try that last one. I haven’t interacted with a stranger in almost a year. One day...

4. Honestly, it’d also be cool if someone’s reaction to your character covering their eyes was like, “cool sunglasses,” or “cool *insert random character, even one you made up* cosplay,” (which is ten times funnier if this character is a notable figure in modern society like an actor who people might cosplay). 

5. You know, if he’s covering his eyes with some kind of blindfold, he should totally have custom blindfolds for his moods. Like, I have a mask that says “suck it up buttercup” and another that says “not today” because sometimes that’s the mood. And sometimes the mood is one of my floral masks, and sometimes the mood is my cat mask.

So, just some thoughts. I hope that helps.

Edit: a commenter said: “op, unless i'm mistaken this kind of reads like anon meant the character ISN'T blind but lies about being blind to explain covering their eyes? it seems like they made a typo on the word "isn't"”

So my original response to the question was based on the assumption that the character is blind. However,

If the character is not blind, then do not under any circumstances have them lie and say they’re blind to escape a mild inconvenience. 

It’s better to have the character actually explain the situation or straight up leave the conversation or invent a more ridiculous lie than to perpetuate the very real stereotype and misconception that there are people who fake being blind and therefore it’s okay to discriminate or harass them if you even suspect they’re faking.

Do not under any circumstances perpetuate that stereotype. Do not harass someone because you don’t think they’re blind enough.

[serenedash]

I started rambling about my experience with kh and then it turned into khux and then it just turned into me rambling about Ryou and my art journey????? enjoy I guess,

it’s very long but there’s art in there :)

It’s funny to think about my kh journey as a whole tbh, I grew up watching my mom play video games, which included kh1 and 2. I wasn’t allowed to play the playstation2 we owned BUT I did have a gameboy so the first game I played was CoM (after my mom finished it ofc,) so I guess you could say I’ve always been passionate about kh “””side games””” lmao but I did fall off of kh very quickly bc again, I wasn’t allowed to play our PS2 and also I Am A Terrible Gamer I’ve Never Finished CoM I’m sorry you all had to find out like this, but then 358/2 came out when I was in middle school and!!! I didn’t care and I didn’t play idk why lol

Anyway, fast forward to high school I’m like 15 and my older sister, who HAS been keeping up with kh, has a wallpaper on her phone of roxas and ventus. And bc I haven’t kept up I say “nice roxas wallpaper” and she says “thanks but it’s roxas and ventus” and I proceeded to get so mad that I was determined to prove to her that her wallpaper was just roxas twice and then I fell down the BBS rabbit hole and suddenly I was reading about vanitas and then I’m reading the fan translations of the BBS novel and I’m crying??? I am sobbing???? and that’s how I actually got into kh for real lol we are vanitas stans before we are people,

It’s so funny how I thought I was some kh super fan, knowing all this stuff that I spent so long reading and rewatching cutscene movies, but I never once, SOMEHOW NEVER ever came across khx. It’s so absurd and bizarre I seriously have no idea how I never once encountered khx prior to khux. I suppose that has to do with the fact I wasn’t involved in the fandom? In early high school I had stepped away from fandoms as a whole and I didn’t have any interest in really posting content or interacting with fans anymore bc of how burnt out I was from a previous fandom,

but khux released! and I was so hype and excited for it! on launch day I was a senior in high school, I had ran around to every “nerd” and weeb I could find in school to ask them to join my party and fun fact about me is I have crippling social anxiety I literally refuse to start conversations irl so holy shit I was OUT HERE doing the MOST

My player just originally had my name (Matt) but everyone in my party had fun names so Ryou was born! High school was one big yugioh phase for me and ryou bakura is one of my favorite characters ever so it was just the logical name choice lol I quickly started creating Ryou, the character, as well. I was also leaving my homestuck phase and that + vanitas obsession made This character design (art circa 2016)

If y’all are familiar with my kh oc’s you might notice that keyblade now belongs to my kid Monty LOL

Anyway that got scrapped quickly for the chip and dale outfit (which is where Ryou’s trademark goggles are from <3) Goggles have been a staple of my character designs for a LONG TIME so like, it had to be done, (that’s a separate ramble about a separate oc tho)

OG Ryou was an interesting guy; he was a young party leader with this overwhelming responsibility on his shoulders bc of his status as a party leader. In his original story, he also struggled heavily with darkness, much like Terra but for Ryou it was more that the darkness was controlling him and not like a source of power like it was for Terra

A big part of early Ryou I kept, however, was the crushing awareness of loss. One of my party members (the strongest one at the time,) had left without saying a word and I was very confused and hurt. This was around the time the ephemera plot was happening so I decided to incorporate it into Ryou’s story; having him experience losing a friend to darkness since it’s so normal for wielders in Daybreak Town to just disappear, and this would unintentionally become a theme for both me and Ryou as khux friends would just randomly disappear.

I was desperate for khux at this point and I decided to watch the fan translations for khx and GOD, god, was I obsessed. I couldn’t stop thinking about the foretellers. And I’m not going off about that here bc I already did that, but I actually started entering fandom again! I did it slowly, I started on tumblr before this blog was made altho it was me sending anons to the few khux related blogs I could have lol a friend convinced me to get twitter where I got involved with the ffxv fandom, which led me to the kh fandom and eventually the khux fandom there which is what REALLY got me going on khux.

I joined discord servers, most of the servers I’m in are khux related, and from there I joined the khux oc rp (shout out to anyone there who might be reading this lol here’s some art from the beginning of the rp,)

It’s SO FUNNY how the RP influenced me so heavily. I hadn’t RP’d in YEARS, I used to have a strict no oc rp policy, but here I was? And the funny part is, I had barely developed Ryou. I had scrapped his original story and all I had was POST WAR Ryou so I literally had to reverse write him; I had only ever written him as a depressed, guilt ridden adult, but it was a fucking blast and I have such fond memories of this rp when it was active,

But anyway, this encouraged me to get more serious about art! I started drawing, writing, cosplaying, and roleplaying when I hadn’t done any of that stuff in a very long time. The first time I ever drew a background was for a deviant art khux competition actually LOL

also! I always think extremely fondly of the drawing I did of Aced in the keyblade war. It was also one of the first backgrounds I ever drew and it felt like my real starting point in the khux fandom. It got a ton of notes on here and someone wrote a tiny fic in a reblog which just made me SO HAPPY like it really felt like people were noticing me :) I was going to draw a matching Ira but!! I just never did!! One day tho, it’s on my art bucket list to redraw this along with Ira,

Aside from my personal growth, khux was great for my social life ngl, I made SO MANY friends online and got to meet a ton of people irl over the years! It’s crazy to think about all the people I now know and talk to? It honestly makes me really emotional. I’ll never forget taking the train into NYC and meeting up with discord friends. Going to conventions and talking with people about the latest khux update? Absolutely insane and those were some GOOD TIMES, if I thanked every khux friend or even just person who made an impact on me then we’d be here for a LONG TIME,

Fun fact, for my Lauriam cosplay all I needed to buy was the wig I just owned his outfit LOL also? Probably retiring that cosplay ngl people treated me like absolute garbage when I wore him and it led to a lot of confidence issues for awhile ngl. That’s probably one of the only memorable negative experiences I have with khux; it was great when khux people recognized me but for kh fans that weren’t in khux? They were FUCKING MEAN??? fuck kh fandom at large, I only care about khux fandom,

This leads me to another huge part of my experience in khux fandom: THEORIES!! I used to write SO MANY and oh my god my brain was so full all the time. It was a huge appeal for me in the fandom; I had been previously writing theory posts in the RWBY fandom and it just migrated over to khux for me lol I had done a ton of theorizing around Lauriam tbh, it was really the only reason I liked his character at all bc initially I did not care about the dandelions, anyone who wasn’t Skuld I was like “please leave Now thanks”

A funny part of khux fandom I never intended to be apart of is the MEMES, I really only started doing memes as stress relief bc college had me so busy all I had time/energy for was these quick little shit post drawings.

The first meme I made, file name “invi despair” LOL we need to get her a girlfriend smh anyway, I think in my senior year of college I did a bunch of rapid fire memes all in one month bc the stress of finals was getting so bad afdgfhdgf as far as I know my impact on this fandom will be my memes bc all I do now is enter a kh/khux server and introduce myself and I go “yeah I draw art. here’s a meme” and everyone goes OH YOU, honestly I am nothing if not a clown

I’ve talked so much idk where I’m going with this. Khux is just a good game even if the gameplay actually kind of really sucks yknow lol but it was the first game I played where I like, REALLY got into the meta and the mechanics. I used to read so much on the mechanics and watch youtube videos on which medals were worth pulling for. I was never a whale or a top player exactly, but I could rank well if I tried lol I’ve made it to the top 100 for solo rankings, my party has made it to top 10, and in pvp I’ve made top 300. I’m not the highest level in my party but FUCK do I know how to manipulate this game LOL

And with all that hard work, the strategies, the theorizing, the content I’ve made-- it’s been my life for 5 years. I’ve logged into khux almost every single day. At the end, I have logged 1820 days in khux out of 1910 days. Kinda crazy. Crazier I’ve never spent money on khux either lol the only “money” gone into it was one time my mom gave me a google play store gift card and I used it on my birthday for a VIP xemnas medal which eventually made it to regular pulls anyway but it was nice and a little treat :)

I’m not a gacha fan, I don’t care for it, so I don’t think I’ll be touching another gacha again. But for kh? This was pretty fucking awesome, even if it sucked a lot sometimes LOL It was worth it for the people I’ve met most of all I think. I would honestly be a completely different person without khux and that’s REALLY insane to think about.

[allnewalldifferentwildspider]

Top 5 Characters I HATE That Everyone Else LOVES

There are characters that you find that really just pop for you. You see their designs, hear their voices, become enchanted with their stories. You want to follow them and see where it all leads. You just love spending time with these characters.

This is the opposite.

These are the least favorite ingredients in your favorite dish. Every time they come on the screen, you groan. You whine, piss, and moan. Or more specifically, I do. I’d love to change the channel and do anything else than watch stories with these characters. Problem is they’re usually in some of my favorite shows. 

And the worse part is, I’m the only one who thinks so. Everyone else can’t seem to get enough of these guys. Because of their popularity, they won’t leave me the hell alone. Constant fan art, edits, long essays about how great they are, topping polls, being in WatchMojo lists, etc. So here are the top five characters I hate, but everyone else seems to love.

RULES: These characters have to have fanbases that greatly outnumber the people who dislike them. If they do have a well know hatedom, that doesn’t count. If they do and they’re on the list, it just means I personally haven’t heard of them.

DISCLAIMER: Despite the title, I’m not here to pick a fight. If a character you like is on this list, that’s kinda the point. Don’t @ me. Don’t get triggered. And most importantly of all, please don’t try to argue with me. If the show they came from couldn’t get me to like these characters, some text on the internet isn’t going to have better luck. That’s their fault. Not yours. I repeat, this list is NOT a personal attack on you. I just need to get this bullshit out of my brain so I don’t keep thinking about it.

5. Sasuke Uchiha (Naruto)

I don’t like it when people are given a free pass for being horrible human beings and I don’t like it in characters either. I haven’t personally heard any rumblings from the Naruto fandom, but I remember back in the day, everyone loved Sasuke. No matter how many times he tried to kill the heroes, they were still more than ready to welcome him back. His heel-face turn was because he didn’t know the meaning of empathy? Give me a break. But everyone gives him a pass because...edgy boys?

First he was a terrible teammate. Then he was a terrible husband. Now he’s a terrible father. He’s just...terrible.

4. Nino Lahiffe (Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir)

No deep meaning for this one. I hate his stupid design. I hate his stupid voice (Diskin!). I hate his stupid actions. I hate that he’s paired with Alya. I just don’t like him. But evidently I’m the only one who has a problem with him.

Just call it personal taste.

3. Tom Lucitor (Star vs the Forces of Evil)

This is a big one for me. Again, I hate it when people give characters a free pass for doing something terrible. Tom wanted to curse his ex-girlfriend Star into loving him (and all that it entails, including sex) without her knowledge, will or consent for the rest of her natural born life and I’m the only one who’s upset about it. And that was plan A. Plan B was to exploit her fears about becoming queen. 

And he still gets her back for 544 days IRL. Too damn long. If someone tried to force you to love them, I bet you’d give them more than just a punch in the shoulder. But no, he gets a free pass because (again) edgy boys. Fuck edgy boys and fuck you for liking them.

Pieces of trash.

2. Tina Belcher (Bob’s Burgers)

This one is just like the Nino one but taken up to eleven. The only other thing I can add to this entry is my confusion. I get that other people wouldn’t have a problem with Nino because he’s relatively harmless, but with Tina, I’m just confused. You all like this? Like, a lot? I don’t get it, and I don’t want to.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions

These guys were on the list until I found out that other people hate them too. This list is characters that everyone else loves, so yeah, disqualified.

Blake Belladona (RWBY)

I don’t like RWBY, but I did love Yang. She was my #1 waifu for a good long time. But then the fanbase shipped her with Blake who is just the worst. She’s whiny. She runs away from all her problems. It disgusts me that no one else has a problem with Rooster Teeth having a very adult Adam Taurus being with a very underage Blake. She didn’t know that she was sucking terrorist cock? Other people hate her too, but I know how to fix it: Reboot RWBY.

What? Reboots are popular now.

Kirito (Sword Art Online)

For the longest time, I couldn’t stand that so many people cosplayed as him. I decided to see what the big deal was since SAO was anime of the year at the time.Seriously people? 

‘Check me out everyone. I’m just your average guy, but all the girls want to have sex with me because I’m so good at video games. Oppai, loli, and everyone in between. They all pine over me because I was a beta tester.’ 

I’ve heard of stupid reasons for a harem, but this tops it. It’s a harem show pretending to be an action show. And pretending is just another word for lying. Luckily as time passes other people has seen how terrible he is, but man that was a trying few years.

1. Katsuki Bakugo (My Hero Academia)

I don’t get it. He’s the biggest asshole in the world. Yet, you all are okay with it. He told the main character to kill himself in the first episode. You all are okay with it. He called Uraraka fuckstick. Yet, you ship him with her. He has the worst attitude. You are all okay with it. You like it. You like this? I guarantee you if anyone treated you this way IRL, you wouldn’t like it.

I don’t get it.

Thanks for reading. Who are five characters you hate that everyone seems to love?

[energeticathlete-blog]

{{  IRL Update  }}

{{  Gonna put this under a cut cuz it’ll be lengthy and have images but IF YOU’RE CURIOUS ABOUT WHERE I’VE BEEN here’s my irl upate y’all  }}

So, I’ve been pretty exhausted these last several months, to the point where I couldn’t get to my sweet ol’ blog here. I honestly could barely keep up with my normal day-to-day activities. So, what’s been going on? A lot, honestly. Let’s start from the beginning, which was about February. My oral health stuff was overwhelming. If you’re new or need a refresher (cuz it’s been a hot minute no lie), I had some major dental issues back in August/September last year. I had an infection that was clawing it’s way into my jaw, which can be incredibly dangerous. They did an emergency procedure to remove all the infected nerve and issue, which is great. But there was still a lot of work to go through to get my entire mouth up to snuff. I’m still not done with it all if you can believe that, and it’s almost been a year since this started. I haven’t gone in a few months though for irl reasons (which I’ll list shortly) and because I got switched to a new dentist that has a hard time making time for me. But at least I’m at a point where I can operate without pain, so there’s that. I had one of two surgeries back in April, which I am recovered from, so now I just gotta wait for the dental surgeon to get a hold of me so we can make a date for the second one. Alright, so dental stuff sucks and ate at a lot of my time from February until now. What else, you might ask? Cosplay. I decided to take on a huge project for Anime Central this year, which was Sylvanas Windrunner from Blizzard’s franchise of games, but particularly her World of Warcraft: Battle for Azeroth version. I hadn’t taken on such an ambitious project before, so I was really sweating to get it done before the con. There was a lot of new materials and methods I had to practice with when it came to this costume. Some of it worked well, some of it ended in blood and tears. But, despite it all, I got most of it done. Most, because I didn’t make her bow/quiver, but honestly, what mattered is that the outfit itself was presentable and good. It...had some complications as far as making it sit properly on my harness. But that’s what I get when I rig it all together in the hotel room on Friday/Saturday. This is the fruit of my labor from about March through May:

Hard to see but I had working LEDs and everything! I was so heccing proud of this honestly. There’s a ton I want to improve and upgrade on what I have, but honestly, I was just happen to get this out in time. Many sleepless nights were had, but it was worth it. Okay, so I was busy through May with this dental stuff AND the cosplay jazz. What about from end of May to now? I started focusing on my Patreon more--yeah, I have one of those! I use it for cosplay shoots, life updates, art stuff, etc. I had to sit down and do tutorials, make sure I record my methods for art and cosplay, and fulfill jazz on there. Here’s a little tidbit of what I’ve worked on (that I can share lol):

So, what else? Well, wonderful question. I hacked my hair off at some point because I got liquid rubber in it from creating Sylvanas (Plastidip can eat my whole ass) which was pretty weird for me cuz I’ve had long hair since middle school.

It feels...weird, but I also kinda like it. I hated short hair in middles school and vowed not to chop it off since then, but getting liquid rubber in your hair has a way of changing your perspective. I’m also a different person and have evolved from the ugly duckling I once was, so it feels a bit better having shorter hair now that I’m an adult. I had some irl family issues that I had to mitigate (I tend to be the level headed anchor in my family, so people come to me when disputes happen). That, and my birthday was actually in June! Long story short, my birthday is smack dab between two of my friends, so I had my get together the second to last weekend of June so the other girl could have the June 30th weekend (my actual birthday) for herself. Sadly, my get together started with a trampoline park...where I rolled my ankle. Badly. The ER tech who x-rayed my foot said I'd be lucky if my ankle wasn’t fractured. Well, luck was on my side and the doctor on staff confirmed it wasn’t fractured. However, I severely tore my ligament. I have to see an orthopedic doctor about it to determine the full damage, but she made it sound like physical therapy should be discussed. That was two weeks ago now and it’s still swollen and injured. I can walk on it finally but I can’t put more than my own weight on it without pain. I also can’t fully twist or extend my foot without strain either, so while I can safely walk on it, I’m playing it safe by not driving (I don’t trust myself to slam on the breaks in the event of an emergency) or wearing heels. It’s still super bruised and eggplant-y but it’s gotten better. I won’t show pics of it because feet are gross and my right foot is particularly nasty with bruising and swelling. And now we’ve come to present time! I’m just about to leave for a convention for the long weekend and won’t be back until Monday, but I’m putting my best foot forward fucking irony by returning to this blog now that the craziness has died down some. I do have some busy days to come, as I’ll be moving into a new place next month, but I won’t let that stop me from resuming my role as the energetic athlete and socializing with all y’all. Those who have known me before my hiatus and stayed--y’all the real MVPs. Those who recently followed me and have taken the time to read this--y’all the real MVPs too. Now that I’m back, I want to put the peddle to the metal and interact with all of you. Sorry I’ve been gone for so long--I’ll do my best now that I’ve returned! -- Lenore  <3

[werewolfwilds]

i redid an ask meme that i had originally done ~3 years ago to see the comparison so for archiving purposes im putting it in a lil journal entry here ! i wanna start doing small journal entries again it was fun when i did that

new answers bolded

1) what images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers?

my desktop bg is literally just…. a collage of kageyama manga screencaps a h a,,,, and my cellphone bg are drawings some gay drew me like 74724 years ago :v // my desktop rn is actually a background from one of the dmmd routes LMFAO..... idk which one it is but i’ve always liked those bg pics!! my cell lock screen is p5 art and my bg is leopika

2) have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

nooooope // nah

3) what was your last text message?

my phone is dead so i wouldnt be able to tell you lmfao i dont even remember // it was a gif from kelly lol

4) what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?

hopefully working a job i enjoy and making costumes and being happy!! // god i have no idea and it freaks me out... hopefully working,,

5) if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?

hoommee ((or at katsucon tbh)) // at the beach with friends maybe

6) what was your coolest halloween costume?

a white cat probably lmao // i dont think ive ever had a particularly exciting halloween costume but one year i was sharpay from high school musical and i think i peaked then tbh

7) what was your favorite 90s show?

uhhhh….. i didnt really… start watching tv until like… the 2000′s so i really cant tell you man lol // spongebob started in 1999 does that coUNT,

8) who was your last kiss?

(answer redacted) // :/ someone should kiss me so i can change this answer lmao

9) have you ever been stood up?

nope //  nah

10) favorite ice cream flavor?

vanilla w/ vanilla oreos ok u need to underst a n d // this hasn’t changed i haven’t had this particular ice cream in a long time but i still stand by it

11) have you been to las vegas?

nahh // nope

12) your favorite pair of shoes?

idk i have these black ones i wear everywhere lol // i have a pair of white sneakers that i refuse to stop wearing now

13) honestly, have you ever cheated on your significant other?

i wouldnt even consider it. // no bc i’m not a piece of shit lmao?

14) what is your favorite fruit?

hmmm…. pineapple orrr…. strawberries but only if they’re the really good kind like they have to be perfect // pineapple!!

15) have you talked to anyone on tumblr that you could see yourself  dating/having sex with? if possible?

….. ye s… yes. // in the past apparently so but thinking about it now nah lol

16) are you into hookups? short or long term relationships?

hookups arent my thing eh i prefer long term relationships altho i cant really say ive been in a “long” term relationship pffff // i don’t think hookups will ever be my thing, emotionally long term relationships are what i’m here for but i’m also a Very Impulsive Person so i cant tell you if this will stay a fact :’)

17) do you smoke? if so, what?

nope dont wanna // no thanks

18) what do you do to get over your anger?

usually talk to people or shout into word // i have to vent about it to someone probably a thousand times even months or years after it happens tbh

19) do you believe in god?

nahh // nah

20) does the person you’re in love with know it?

i aint in love with anyone rn so no? // i’m not in love with anyone.

21) favorite position?

………….. for w hat………. // oh honey lmfao... N/A

22) what’s your horoscope sign?

virgo/ox ovob // Virgo/sun, Aries/moon, Libra/rising and Cancer/midheaven

23) your fears?

literally everything i already named a few so ill name some others… ghh anything in… the ocean or lakes and stuff frightens me and i really dont know why bu tlike…. fish and crabs and jellyfish and seaweed cuz it’s evil and stu f f basically anything that’s not a mammal or turtles or penguins…. lo l im a baby // uncertainty is a big fear of mine and also people being mad at me lmao... as far as physical fears though i have debilitating fears of almost all insects/arachnids and lobsters/shrimp/crawfish :^)))))

24) how many pets do you have? what kind?

two cats and a dog!! // one cat one dog

25) what never fails to turn you on?

i dunno,,/////// // lol neck biting/kissing oof

26) your idea of a perfect first date?

im okay with mostly anything i just really like spending time with the person ; v ; // i’ve never really had an answer for this? thinking about dates has always made me so anxious for whatever reason but i’ll be happy to just spend time with them doing whatever honestly, i’m a super indecisive person aha

27) what is something most people don’t know about you?

i dont really know tbh lmfao // i’ve considered in the past looking into mental conditions (anxiety/bpd/etc) to see if i might have one or two but i never want to say anything about it because i don’t want to self-diagnose anything.

28) what makes you feel the happiest?

nice weather and nice conversations w/ best people u//v//u // nice weather and hanging out with people who are fun and easy to talk to

29) what store do you shop at most often?

does….. arda wigs count or… // does arda wigs still count bc mood lmao but truthfully now it’s probably target

30) how do you feel about oral? giving and/or receiving?

kkdkjsfkjkjfj??fsfj/// go for i t??? i have no problems with i t??? i dont think ill ever be willing to put a dick in my mouth though // these random sexual questions thrown in here are something aren’t they lmao. not going to disclose much but i will stand by the fact that i will not put a dick in my mouth lo l

31) do you believe in karma?

sometimes ye // i believe that people will eventually get what’s coming to them but i don’t believe in karma as a solid concept if that makes sense? like i don’t think it’s guaranteed

32) are you single?

yup yup // yeah it’s been wild lmao

33) do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize?

i think being sincere is the best way to apologize– if you truly mean it the person will know. you dont need to buy your forgiveness. // the best way to apologize is just to apologize sincerely and change your behavior if it’s applicable.

34) are you a good swimmer?

ehh??? im ok i guess– i took swimming lessons as a kid but i havent done legit swimming ever since then lmao,, ive always been best at the backstroke tho yea // i mean i have the ability to swim but i’m not olympic-worthy or anything lmao

35) coffee or tea?

ehhh im not big on either tbh // chocolate milk and you can fight me

36) online shopping or shopping in person?

depends what your shopping for i guess?? online is more relaxed i guess // online probably because shopping in person Gives Me Anxiety

37) would you rather be older or younger than your current age?

ehhh im happy where i am tbh // older

38) cats or dogs?

do not make me choose // cats and dogs* there i fixed it for you

39) are you a competitive person?

ahaa,,,,, oh god yeah,, // OOF yeah

40) do you believe in aliens?

i believe there’s life on other planets somewhere?? so i guess?? // i believe in aliens in the sense that there’s no way we are the only living life forms in the universe but not in the science-fiction way you feel me

41) do you like dancing?

i do but i suck at it lmao // i do but i: A- suck, and B- have no stamina

42) what kind of music to you listen to?

nearly everything tbh // i’m not picky when it comes to music but imma be real w u. almost all of the music on my phone is kpop. seventeen is my favorite group along with astro, and i also enjoy super junior, shinee, red velvet, etc among so many others,,, im pretty wide spread !

43) what is your favorite cartoon character?

i will never be able to pick just one // i’ll literally never be able to answer this

44) where are you from?

philadelphia uvu // philly!

45) eat at home or eat out?

hmmm at home. // at home

46) how much more social are you when you’re drunk?

i never plan on being drunk tyvm // i’ve never consumed alcohol in my life and to be Quite Fucking Honest i want nothing to do with it

47) what was the last thing you bought for yourself?

bracelets ! ; u ; // uh... excluding food and music... earrings i think

48) why do you think your followers follow you?

uhhhhhhh lmfao i have no idea i think… a good amount are for my cosplays at least?? or id like to think so lmfao but i really dont know pfft // my followers have just accumulated and hung around over the years... i know i gained a good amount from my snk days as arlert-the-troops and then through my haikyuu phase, whether it was for my cosplay or other posts that i made... whenever someone follows me now im not entirely sure what its for but i appreciate everyone who’s stuck around!

49) how many hours do you sleep at night?

it’s never regular man // 6-9 (lol) hours is pretty normal for me

50) what worries you most about the future?

everything tbh // the future as a concept worries me lol

[lostfangdrive]

1 to 40.

Okay first off, who the fucking hell sent me all fourty questions. For the love of–ugh okay I’m stopping now. 

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

I don’t just have one fave tho. I have lots and well I generally have good vibes and feelings towards them? There that’s my answer. 

2: Talk about your first kiss.

Ugh well this goes into the story about my ex/esbestfriend and shit. I’ve mentioned it selectively here? Anyway, uh yeah high school. Both of us naive and stupid and well we kissed one night. I’d gone on vacation with her to Virginia and stuff so yeah. I try to block out those times so I don’t remember a lot of the details. 

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

I wouldn’t say I’ve had that feeling yet? Even when I was with my ex, I never felt intensely romantic about it. So, hopefully one day I’ll get that feeling with someone. 

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

Not having a better kind of job? Does that count? I dun like to dwell on regrets too much. 

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

I liked my 16th cause a lot of my buds from high school got to come and stuff. Most of my birthdays now are good too, it’s just I know in my head I’m another year older? And I don’t look it but I feel o l d. 

6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.

Any from when I was a chubby child at my grandparents pool. Ugh those pictures…

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

I’m introverted, shy, and overall I don’t have confidence about myself a lot? Like I can put on an act at work most of the time but, still. I’ve never been a confident kind of person though. 

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

Some of these are very vague. But, okay. Um, I’m proud to be my photo lovin’ and cosplaying self? I dunno. 

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

My hair, I used to hate it. Mostly cause being a small redhead child sucks going through elementary and middle school. I love my hair now? But yeah took a while I suppose. 

10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.

What kind of fight? Uhhhh…I’ve never been in a physical fight. Even though I do threaten to punch and kick people a lot. 

Fighting customers at the store about coupons? That’s like all the time. Or about other things cause they wanna bitch for some reason. I can’t really think of anything else…

11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

I dun remember my dreams anymore, really. I know you can like write them down when you first get up but I’m too lazy. As a kid I’d remember them though.

12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.

As a kid I would have this recurring dream about running around the track for gym or something weird? There was something in the dream going on other than that causing me to wake up scared a lot. I was young so it could have been for multiple reasons.   

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

I haven’t…done it…and well I’m kinda’ scared to get that physical with someone actually. Like I want to be with someone but I dunno.

14: Talk about a vacation.

I just went on one last month? Mountains, fun stuff. Or well supposed to be. I was missin my dog and well I just didn’t have a great time. No particular reason, but yeah. Food was good, ate too much. 

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

When my dog was alive and well for one thing. But other than that, I dun really know…sorry.

16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.

I go to a lot of family parties? Dunno if those count. But there was this one new years where I was with my cousins, videoing them all drunk off their asses. They’d found these stray cats outside and were cuddling them, kinda’ funny.

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

I typically like to get to know and befriend those I roleplay with on my other blogs. Especially if we have one or more threads or our muses just interact a lot. 

But I’d like to be friends with lots of people, but as I mentioned I’m introverted and shy so that doesn’t always go my way.

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

…I got picked on cause of my hair?

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

Like I said previously, that. Also I threw up on a important test once and no one ever stopped talking about it. So that was just…great.

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.

I met a lot of my friends? Some I’m still friends with today. 

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

…This wasn’t but last year. Anyway, there was this guy I’d gotten to know better after going to AWA. He rooms with another friend of mine. Well he apparently liked me or so he said but I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or what when he said anything to me. Basically, turned out he didn’t have a lot of time to go on a date or even just hang. Also, I really couldn’t think of him as anything but a friend? So yeah I kinda had to turn him down…

22: Talk about your worst fear.

Bugs? Bugs. Bugs.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

So like I said up a bit, the guy I turned down is rommies with another friend of mine. We went to high school together and stuff and well one time i idiotically told him I liked him or I had thought I did. But basically nothing happened so yeah that’s getting turned down.

When I first started at my work there was this other bagger (at the time I was still bagging). I liked him, but every time I suggested hanging out outside the store he kinda blew me off so yeah that too. 

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

When I get compliments on my cosplays? That work?

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

*laughs sarcastically* I don’t have good opinions of her now so I’d rather not say. She’s mentioned up top on this thing. 

26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.

Sleep, tv, laze around, not eat well, take meds when I can. If its my sinuses I sometimes have to suffer though it. I get a lot of sinus infections cause of my sucky allergies. 

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.

…I don’t have an answer for this really.

28: Talk about your fetishes.

Again, don’t really know.

29: Talk about what turns you on.

I like people that I get to know well, does that count? I mean I see things and I’m like yes that gets me, but then I never exactly remember all what they are? If I see it and I like it there. 

30: Talk about what turns you off.

Smoking and or drugs. 

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

Well, my dog die this year. I’m still not managing well really, don’t know if I ever will. But anyway. A release? Like in my dog’s case she was in pain and it got to the point where we couldn’t do more for her and also she was ready? Like I could tell. So yeah kinda like a release. But still lonely a bit I think. 

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

My aunt used to have this house we’d have a lot of Christmases at, but something happened and they had to move out. The land around all those houses got bought or something. It was always nice over there and honestly it was the best place she and her family ever lived.  

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

Cry or hold in tears till I’m somewhere safely hidden to cry. I’m a very negative and angsty person so I give off a sad vibe a lot. 

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.

Breaking my foot also leg cramps.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

Buying too much stuff off etsy? Even though I love doing that…and don’t need the stuff.

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

Well, okay. Anime/video games, books, movies/tv shows, photography, cosplay. 

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

Well the ex. At the time I was young but I realize now it never was love at all. It was simply something that shouldn’t of happened…we still would have drifted apart I think as friends. 

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

@thathipsteremperor hey mickey cause of this thing they always send to my mikleo muse and then at work what to they play on the radio? hey mickey.

@seikkun bad romance and sinead cause of our muses. 

@fluttersheep any ghost songs honestly cause they are the reason i like the music now

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

Not to buy useless junk at some of the early cons I went to. It’s late I’m tired and can’t come up with any better logical answers. 

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

Okay the ex thing again. But, uh, it got to the point someone else was asking them out and we had to hide our thing we had going on. She outright asked me if she could date him? and well yeah that basically ended it along with a nasty phone call. 

[s3venpounds]

1 - 40

jesus buddy, if you wanted to know more about me just friend me somewhere and talk to me facebook,discord,overwatch,psn, snapchat w.e! haha i dont bite!

also this is gonna be really feckin long

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

How to train your dragon (1 and 2 i can’t decide) I fucking LOVE dragons. the idea to fucking ride one in the sky?!?! fucking DOPE. the idea that theyre also SCALY DOGS?!?!? MOTHER.FUCKING.DOPE. i just associate the idea of freedom with flying through the sky and that feeling was conveyed really well in that movie so i really loved it!

2: Talk about your first kiss.

honestly? kinda dumb now that i look back on it. it was a peck, i wasn’t even like mentally prepared and it happened way faster than i thought. If i knew it was going to happen i would have really like milked that fucker. i woulda went romance movie on that shit with all the extra shit like groping and weird inhaling noises and kissing so hard your teeth almost clink together. but yknow coulda woulda shoulda

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

theyre not a part of my life anymore which admittedly fucking sucks but i think its for the better at least for them. do i wish it worked out and we were together? i mean yeah duh, the reasons i fell for them don’t fucking disintegrate/ i just have more information than i had when i first met that person. will i actually actively pursuit them in the chance to be with them again? hell no. i’m tired. and i’ve seen enough “ self confidence” posts on here to think “ hey if someone really wanted me in their life they would go out of their way to do so and seeing as they haven’t even messaged me in god knows how long then its safe to say theyre off being happy

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

man i haven’t seen this person is literally almost 20 years. I need to apologize. or at the very fucking least, see how theyre been doing. its driving me mad just trying to picture how theyre living and just coming up with a giant question mark.

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

lets be real bro most of my birthdays have been shit so i gave up on tryna make them memorable or fun, ‘s just another day to me. i mean the best one would have to be this one time i got a gameboy advance but thats pretty much it

6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.

yknow how everyone says “ OH MY GOD WE SHOULD KEEP IN TOUCH” once you move? yeah thats bullshit. honest to god bullshit. i kept tabs on everyone when i moved to a different city and when i came down to visit for my birthday inviting all those people who supposed “wanted to keep in touch with me” literally 1 person showed up. and i think they only showed up because our parents were friends too. so yeah. fuck people sometimes.

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

hygiene. breath, hair, clothes, eating habits, manners, anything that might make me come off as unclean to people im trying to impress drives me off the fucking wall. specially at formal events. if im wearing snazzy clothing at like a suite 16 or a debut or a wedding bet you $100 that im adjusting little aspects of my appearance every like 15 seconds. eating mints the second one is finished, trying not to be too close to someones face when talking, even when i fucking fart i always take note of which way the wind is blowing, or im sitting down on something that can absorb the stench, how much pressure is in my gut and how much of it can i let out in small bursts to avoid sound. that or asian dick syndrome. yknow. haha asians got a small dick? that kinda shit bugs me a bit. not a ton but more than i thought it would

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.(i am literally only 8 questions in and my fingers are a little sore from typing)

my singing and impressions? i once scared some friends when i imitated a party blower kazoo thingy since the ones they bought from the dollarstore didnt make any sound. same as my singing, i tend to get high scores and i impressed my cousins once with a perfect score on a backstreet boys song HEH

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

my biceps? theyre not like chris hemsworth level of meaty but like when i worked at this physically demanding job my coworkers are like “ woah dude ur arms are different from mine, if you worked out theyd look so ripped” that kinda stuck with me for a while specially knowing they were a football jock and they had their own special diet and fitness instructor or something. i also like my smile/ jaw shape? my hair can look pretty good too sometimes

10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.

my family is very passive aggressive oh and racist

11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

i once had this dream where i had reallllly passionate sex and it felt real and i could feel like every little detail down to like hairs brushing my skin on my arms and shit. i swear to this day it was a modern day succubus or something

12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.

that dream where i was a bird and flying away from”something” just all my instincts telling me to RUN. or that dream where i got shot in the hand, chest then the head and before i blacked out i said “Ch*****” who incidentally i was going to see later that day which made things very awkward at least for me

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

it was pretty good. looking back i was probably shit in bed hahaha first time so of course theres shit to work out. 

14: Talk about a vacation.

hit on by a cousin AND their gay friend. to which the cousin threatened me with self harm but the gay friend took the rejection very easily it was almost baffling in comparison (although the second the settled down they started to bash on me for rejecting their friend) also ate some REALLLLLY garlic covered crab the smell took 5 washes to get out… also got to ride in the back of a truck as its driving at like 120 mph and flying off all these little hills and tracking mud everywhere it was great

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

she was in my arms fast asleep and i took a photo. she didnt like that but let me keep the pic so that was nice.

16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.

i can’t really remember any that stand out they were all equally fun. dont get me wrong some were super fun its just that it was also followed by a lot of bad choices that kinda take it down a notch. i will say this one party a friend hosted where i got to meet a BUNCH of new people. i also snorted some fundip powder as a dare. they refuse to let it go so i figure might as well own it. i also landed some sweet shots in beerpong

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

ellen paige would be dope to be friends with. same with zendaya. and gal gadot just so i can like sit in her presence and be in awe for extended periods of time

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

i was cheating on a test and my so called friend ratted me out never talked to him again that white privilege lookin hoe

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

i stopped talking to a friend that id thought i would be friends with for my whole life. i also became friends with my current best friend

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.

people are dumb. drama is dumb. people who seek out this kinda shit needa leave me the hell alone. and if youre going to challenge me to a fight, tell me about said fight so i can show up. dont march around telling people ur gonna fight me and not tell me so i dont show up and make it look like i pussied out. like for real?

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

oh yeah like the vacation one said : shit got really weird. and to have that sorta conversation on spotty wifi in an airport in south korea meaning jet lag is also disorienting af

22: Talk about your worst fear.

death. nuff said

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

it sucked but it happens so like.? lmao i dont really know waht to say but it sucked

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

i have a horrible memory and on top of that my mind moves at like 32754895274 miles a second so i dont keep stuff in mind a lot in the first place. i can’t really think of anything that had so much impact that i’ve remembered it. well i mean there was this one song a friend told me about in a letter and to this day i’ve kept remembering the same verse “ maybe if we met each other under a different sky maybe things would be much better between you and i”

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

we just….grew apart. and if we tried to be friends now im sure there would be tension and unease. hes just in a different friend circle. i dont hate him for it i just feel like hes living in a world of white and im living in a world of black like its just plain and simple

26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.

on the computer. i can’t rest when im sick. i just keep trudging along. school, work, hangouts, i still go. i just take precautions to not spread it

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.

neck? shoulder? hands? face? hair? idk dood i don’t really like specific places more of how WELL those parts can mesh together to make this beautiful being.

28: Talk about your fetishes.

y’all about to learn some shit because im gonna teach you a thing about me. pov’s, deepthroat/gagging, emo/goth, anal, massage, ropes and power trips, asians, tentacles if im feeling kinky, hentai /cartoon shit, glory holes, dirty talk and asmr (who woulda thought theres porn for that huh?), ahegao(being fucked silly or till your mind breaks into being nothing but a cumdump), swallowing, threesomes, double penetration, latex is pretty cool too, cosplays are nice if the characters are ones i recognize, tittyfucks, source film maker porn of like video game characters are getting pretty professional nowadays, lesbian, orgys, teenage girls and old ass guys, horse dicks and girls who try to take em, i got turned on by a girl fucking a dog once so i guess bestiality is a thing, oh i saw this scene in a movie im not sure if it was real it seems kinda hazy but it involved necrophilia but im not sure if it turned me on or it was so weird i’ve memorized it because of how weird it was. chicks with dicks fucking other chicks. and a plethora of other weird shit. i dont know what fetishes count and what doesn’t so i just listed whatever came to mind as i wrote have fun with that shit

29: Talk about what turns you on. 

short hair, asian heritage, playful and lighthearted but can be lustful as all hell, shorter than me, big boobs is a plus, mid driffs, underboob, small frame or face, scent( god if you smell good thats instant brownie points with me), likes anime, high pitch voices are cute as hell, very physically intimate, loves PDA’s, yeah i can’t really think of much

30: Talk about what turns you off.

uhh smells bad?, when their personality is bland/boring, or just shit. over timidness i get being shy but like if you can’t trust that the person youre interested in then like what am i supposed to do. i literally dated a girl who was so sheepish all i could do was ask her yes or no questions. and honestly that got old really fucking fast. i get she was trying but like i can only finesse so much of a relationship man. bad hygiene holy fuck. if you got like ear wax showin our ur ears, or like a bleeding pimple in plain view and refuse to at least dab it with a wet cloth or tissue then pls its not gonna work out. dandruff oh my gOD. dandruff would drive me nuts. like if i get close enough to see individual fucking flakes im gonna tear my whole scalp off

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

i feel like our bodies stop responding but our “souls” are still present there trapped screaming and trying to move our body but can’t. and thats why burials and shit sound so terrifying

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

dont need to. im a couple blocks away i can visit it any time. (my elementary and middle school the neighbourhood surrounding it was also where i used to live so that was dope)

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

i force myself to get MORE sad so i can get it all out in one go and much faster. like how the human mind can only get so angry that the brain gives up and just tries to find another way to spend its time. 

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.

when i was a kid me and bunch of other kids decided to clog a slide with just a shit ton of people and one of my friends who came after me kept pushing me to the point i was hanging on for dear life using only my knee down that was wedged between a fat kid and my friend who went after me. i fell off eventually knocking skulls with another kid near the end of the slide(this slide was shaped like a spring so that explains why there were kids under me) my arm bend backwards for a sec after hitting another kid’s legs, and then i fell chest and fast first on the asphalt winding myself. kids are rugged as all hell man they can really take a hit. i walked it off but god damn if i didnt get bruises and shit afterwards. or that time i got beaten so bad by father dearest because work was stressful and i ended up blacking out. wasn’t even allowed to go to the hospital. just kinda laid down in my room with bruises all over.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

relying on people for happiness. distracting myself from sadness and responsibilities. procrastinating in general

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

i dont really feel guilt save for some specific circumstances. ask any of my friends. does that mean im a sociopath or whatever? 

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

they just got out of a relationship with someone and was avoiding them profusely and i just started to get to know them. we got to the point that when she was ready we could date. little did i know that later, she would end up dating a friend of mine. to which i promptly had the appropriate reaction of crying myself to sleep, sending that friend a text message with all the things he should know to keep that girl happy and ultimately smashing a lot of things (some bottles actually because we were gonna build a sculpture or something together with em. man middle school was a fucking RIDE)

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

mmmmmm i would prefer to keep those underwraps.

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

family will be there for you in the end. (not because they want to but because the world teaches them that they have to meaning they will help just in their own way and to their own ends.) friends come and go. they always have always will. anyone who says forever is a fuckin idiot. lovers come and go thats just a natural part of growing up. and lets be real all the people that said they would self harm ultimately never did so dont stress it so much god damn(but dont let it slide either)

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

how about the end of my interest in anime and video games. nothing seems to really interest me anymore. everything is just kinda “meh”

[aussadstuff]

My thoughts. Part One.

Before we get started, this isn’t me deciding I want to die. This is me deciding to vent to the world. Take my words with a grain of salt, or a pound for a pound. If you’re struggling through the same things I am, I encourage you to continue. Continue to live. You may not realize it, but you have someone. If you’re here because you’re lost. You’ve lost the person you’ve cared most for, for a certain amount of time. Keep going. Not keep looking through blogs. Keep living through life. I know it’s hard. I’m going through it right now as we speak. I dated this boy. We’ll call him Sebastian, not because that’s his name, but to make it harder for the people I don’t want to worry about me to find this and worry. Sebastian and I were dating for a little over a month. I’ve learned many, many times that I fall too hard, too fast. We knew each other for a month maybe two before we decided to go out. We lived thousands of miles apart. We met through an anime roleplay group, I played the punk disaster lesbian, he played the sparkling, joyful, dumb blonde. We both were in relationships with rare-pairs (Meaning our characters were in a relationship that wasn’t well liked in the fandom). I wasn’t meaning to fall for him. We started talking over the channels voice chat, while he got into cosplay. He was cosplaying one of my favorite characters, a character I also have a cosplay of. I heard his voice for the first and my first thoughts weren’t “oh. This is a new person whose voice I don’t yet recognize” like I do with most. Instead, as I sat there, listening to him talk about his cat, his makeup, even his mom, I thought to myself. “This... This is the voice of a boy who has to be attractive. His voice is adorable and I don’t think I would mind falling asleep to it, every evening.” I never, NEVER voiced this thought before we were dating. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I regret saying or thinking what I did. Nor do I regret the things I feel to this very day. I guess what I am trying to say about this, isn’t that you should regret what you had, not when it made you so happy at the time. I’ve always had self-worth issues, things that I find horrible about myself, my voice, my appearance, even the things I say sometimes. But Sebastian never once made fun of me, not for a single thing. Instead, he helped me. He helped build me up, see myself as something better than I used to think. I was feeling confident, I was feeling pretty, I was feeling like I could do anything I wanted like I could walk the thousands of miles between us and see him, and he would still welcome me with open arms. Sebastian taught me some French, along with the help of our mutual friend Alex. Alex helped me learn how to not only spell flirty things in French but also how to pronounce things, like “J’adore toi, mon citrouelle.” Which is I adore you, my pumpkin. It hurts me to write that, even now.

Let’s go back to how it started. He sent pictures of himself in cosplay, and I instantly got a crush, but I again never voiced this. For the longest time, I thought he was strictly gay. I don’t remember now if he was bi or pan or demi, but he was one of those. He was several years younger than me. I’m a senior in American high school (So, grade 13 I believe for everyone else. I could be wrong though) and he is a freshman in the American school system (So. Grade 10 I believe? But again I could be wrong). One day, no one else was able to get into the group voice cat, at least not for long, the others would pop in and out depending on what they were doing. He convinced me (though it wasn’t all that hard with that sickeningly sweet voice of his) to cosplay the older brother of the one he was cosplaying. This was the first time we were completely alone together, talking by ourselves. I had fun, even as I probably poisoned myself a little by putting acrylic paint straight onto my skin, near my lips and my eyes. We started calling just about daily after that, and one day, the subject of original characters (or ocs for those who don’t know) was brought up. I jokingly mumbled something about having 20 plus underdeveloped characters for this particular series. He was almost like thrilled to hear about them. For about 3 nights I made up personalities and headcanons on the spot, reasons why they were with who they were, what their past was, etc, etc. All because he was excited and I thought he sounded adorable. I knew then that I wanted to help him stay happy. It wasn’t until one night roughly a month and a couple of days that I, in a half-awake, very flirty state, when we were getting ready for bed. I was flirty and in my half-awake state decide that I should tell him how I feel. So, I said, “Oh and one last thing Sebastian/If you were into girls/And given the chance I would date you in a heartbeat/Therefore You are attractive/You are worth it/You are perfect just as you are.” It wasn’t until the next morning I was made aware of his feelings as well. I won’t quote him, because even looking for what I said hurt me. Seeing the endless messages between us roll past. I’m the friend that tells everyone that they love them, and at some point in time I realized that when I said it to him, I meant it. 

If I had the chance? I would take it back. Not because I regret what I said, no I meant every word of admiration I spoke, every loving thought I had, all of it was true. I just want want to take it back so I could have avoided the pain and the sorrow I currently feel. He broke up with me but mere days ago. It has taken quite the toll on me. I’ve had trouble eating, sleeping, I’ve even had trouble keeping liquids down. I still love him. I do. But my mind is stuck in three places. Wishing I never admitted how I felt, Wishing I fought the breakup or convinced him to stay, or Wishing he never went to France. Sebastian left for France for a French Class trip. We were coping with the time zone difference. While it was 4 p.m. here, it was nearly midnight there. We were doing the best we could with what we had. However... Things changed. Not in days time, not with my notice, but it changed. Abruptly. The day after the Notre Dame fire, he left me. He didn’t die. He just... dumped me. Now, please bear in mind, I asked him when we started dating if the distance between us would be an issue. He said he didn’t care. He wanted to be with me. Well, along those lines at least. The point was that he okay with the distance. But the day after Notre Dame burned, he left me This next thing will be the only thing I quote him on in this entire blog. “I am so greatful to have you in my life and i love and appreciate you so so much, not being able to see you in real life is hard, and I miss you all the time, but i don't know what I'm missing because I can't see you, and that sucks so so fucking much I've been thinking I miss you because I haven't been able to talk to you as much but it feels the same even though I am thousands of miles away. I need you to know that being with you has made me so so happy but as a relationship not being able to see you makes this so hard and I think I'm too in love with you to stay in this relationship because it hurts to much” I cannot stress how much this one message hurt me. I read it over and over and over until I could’ve recited it from heart, assuming my now broken and deflated heart was still able to function. But my anxiety, the only thing that had given me a small heads up when he texted “we need to talk” (Okay so maybe I’ll quote him some more), wouldn’t let me sleep. Not until I knew the real reason. People don’t break up because they are “too in love to stay”. So I texted him, crying in the middle of the night, hoping to god he just ignored it so I wouldn’t have to cry as I saw his name flash on my screen. 

I texted, “I know this probably isn't what you want to see when you wake up and I understand but... I just gotta know... Is that really why you don't want to be together anymore? Or was it something I did? Something I said? I know I'm being a bother and annoying but... This has been nagging me for hours and my anxiety just won't let it go. I'm sorry. I'm not gonna try to get back with you. I understand that you weren't happy and You're doing what's best for you but. I just gotta know. I'm sorry.” To which he responded before the night was even over,  “[Au] nothing you ever did was remotely wrong in any way, and yes that's the only reason why, you don't have to be sorry, something about seeing how easily things can be destroyed and coming to France I don't know it was just terrible having to see that, I was so happy with you, so so happy, it's just is realizing that a long distance relationship isn't sustainable for me”. Please, don’t take this and think that Sebastian was a horrible person. He wasn’t he was sweet and amazing and by far one of the best boyfriends I’ve ever had. I guess in the end. This isn’t me telling you my thoughts.

This is me, trying to figure out why. Why I let myself be lead on. Only to be hurt in the very end, because of some accident, some error that occurred during the construction of a building nearby. 

Why if it was an issue to him, why didn’t it bother me, someone who love cuddles. Who wants to be held. Who wants affection from their significant other. Why was I okay with it? Why was I perfectly fine with sacrificing all of my favorite things from relationships to be with him. Why could I cope but he couldn’t? Why could I tell people that I wasn’t interested in a relationship because I was in one if in the end I was left for something I tried to make sure wouldn’t be an issue? Why I’m hurting so bad, when I never knew what his affectionate touch felt like, what a passionate kiss tasted like, what irregular patterns his heart would beat as we laid together sounded like, the way his eyes light up when he gets excited looks like, what really loving him, giving my all to him, and him giving his all to me felt like.

Why do I feel like I’m drowning in sorrow?

When I never got to drown in his physical and emotional love at the same time.

Why do I still yearn for him to come back, asking to have me again, saying that he was wrong and he can’t live without me? Why do I still crave to see a voice message from him, telling me he loves me, speaking to me in that dumb freaking language I learned for him? Why do I still want to record love songs and send them to him, despite hating the sound of my own voice? Why do I still want to be able to fall asleep and know that he is mine, and I am his? Why do I still want to make plans for the future, knowing that we no longer have one? Why do I still want to know what his arms feel like wrapped around me as we lay in bed together, ignoring the morning rays of light for just a few more minutes together? Why do I still hurt even though I’ve been through so much? Why can’t I catch a break? Why do I still want to message him, begging, pleading, doing anything I can to get him back, even though I physically shake trying to hold my tears in because I know it’s never going to happen? Why is he still all I can think about when I know I should loathe, want nothing to do with him, why I still love him? Why I still love him even though he hurt me so much? Why I can’t help but sit here and hope and pray he never sees this and never realizes he is Sebastian, because I don’t want him to know everything I’m thinking about this? Why I can’t help but tear up thinking that maybe he does, and it hurts him just as much as he hurt me? That I want to hide this from him, so he can find the person he wants, he needs and be with them so that maybe his life with them is better than anything he could’ve had with me? Why did I share so much? Why did I tell him about my issues, about my fears?

Why did I tell him about my fears, but not the one I’m living in now. The fear of being utterly left, broken and shattered of what I once was. Holding up a mirror to those unsuspecting people, who think I’m okay. That I’m just a little down because I’m trying to move on. That I have cried every day since it happened and I loathe crying almost more than I loathe myself. That every night I’ve been so tempted to take all of the military grade muscle relaxers so that my heart doesn’t kill me from the pain I am in. So that I don’t die of a broken heart.

Why did I let him in?

Why did I open myself up to this pain?

Why does the color of his hair, the color he loved so much, hurt me still to think about and breaks my heart all over again every time I see it?

Why do I still want him to be mine? Even though I would never want him to come back to me if it meant him not being happy. Why would I still give up everything I own to see him in real life? Why I would give up my soul for just one chance that I know wouldn’t last? Why I would give anything to hear him mutter that same stupid phrase, using my full name just one more freaking time?

All I want to hear is... 

“J’adore toi tellement, [Full First name].” 

One last time.

I guess that’s all for now.

Until next time,

~Au

[chaos-and-recover]

all of them. all. of. them.

WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME EVERY TIME is it because you know I have nothing better to do? Because you are right.

1. What is you middle name? Barbara. It’s my mom’s first name2. How old are you? OLD AS BALLS. Or like. 32.3. When is your birthday? April 4th.4. What is your zodiac sign? Aries5. What is your favorite color? purple6. What’s your lucky number? I don’t know if I have one?7. Do you have any pets? nope. I am sad and empty and pet=less8. Where are you from? Canada, eh?9. How tall are you? 5′11″ or somewhere in there. Apparently freakishly tall, according to my tiny, tiny friends10. What shoe size are you? ladies’ 9 1/2-10. Currently wearing size 9 boots every day because I haven’t gotten around to getting new winter boots and got those ones for a cosplay a few years ago because they looked rad and were cheap but NOT COMFY and I NEED NEW BOOTS.11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? lemme tell you it’s not nearly as many as it was when I worked in a mall with a Payless and went there WAY too often. There’s probably like 5 or 6 I wear regularly now.12. What was your last dream about? I... actually don’t even remember? I remember waking up the other morning thinking “what in the FUCK” about a dream I’d had but now I can’t remember what it actually WAS lol13. What talents do you have? none lol14. Are you psychic in any way? I mean I don’t know if I ACTUALLY am but I’ve learned to trust my gut when I feel really sure of an outcome of something because I’ve been right more than I’ve been wrong15. Favorite song? Falling Slowly from the movie Once is probably my favourite thing in the world.16. Favorite movie? 10 Things I Hate About You, The Princess Bride, and a bunch of objectively awful movies that I love.17. Who would be your ideal partner? Someone who will leave me tf alone. Actually I would probably thrive in a long distance relationship where I don’t have to like... see them all the time and can still have my own space?18. Do you want children? Not especially. I recently figured out that may be negotiable though which was... interesting.19. Do you want a church wedding? Not necessarily but if I did have one I would only want it at my grandparents’ church because history (my parents were married there; I was baptized there; my Oma loved that church).20. Are you religious? Not even a little.21. Have you ever been to the hospital? My guy I spent so much time in the ER as a kid that they almost called social services.22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? Nope, I’m a nerd.23. Have you ever met any celebrities? Yes, quite a few. That was like, My Thing in high school24. Baths or showers? baths if they stay warm for more than 0.00005 seconds.25. What color socks are you wearing? black, with white writing. They’re my July Socks because I am JUST that awful and love a bad pun.26. Have you ever been famous? I had my 15 minutes of fame in 2004. Green Day were involved. The story circulated the local music/industry community for at least a year. That’s all.27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? I don’t think I would like that AT ALL.28. What type of music do you like? I listen to so much music, honestly. Name a genre and I could probably name at least one artist I like from it.29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? Not totally but I’ve gone halfway there. Not sober lol.30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 231. What position do you usually sleep in? Usually on my stomach32. How big is your house? not as big as the rest in the neighbourhood now but when it was built in the 70s it WAS one of the biggest around33. What do you typically have for breakfast? either: a bagel w/ cream cheese, Eggos (with chocolate chips sometimes), toast w/ peanut butter & banana, Cheerios w/ banana, or oatmeal34. Have you ever fired a gun? only a laser gun lol35. Have you ever tried archery? yeah, I actually liked it? I wasn’t very good. Although my Opa did make my brother and I our own bow and arrow sets when we were little. Nobody lost an eye, so it worked out well.36. Favorite clean word? I don’t know if I have one?37. Favorite swear word? I like made up ones, like “fucknugget.”38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? Without ANY sleep at all, like a day and a half. With minimal sleep, a few days - a week or so.39. Do you have any scars? Yes and they’re all dumb.40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? lol doubtful41. Are you a good liar? Sometimes. For like, inconsequential shit I don’t even need to lie about.42. Are you a good judge of character? I wanna say yes but I’m actually just kind of a bitch and super judgy anyway?43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? Every one I try turns out like a really shitty southern accent44. Do you have a strong accent? I don’t think so but people from elsewhere might disagree45. What is your favorite accent? Irish, specifically Galway-area. I also like certain southern accents, like... wherever Matthew McConaughey is from. That’s a nice accent.46. What is your personality type? Like... those acronyms? No idea lol. I don’t do those personality tests.47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? Probably my Roots cabin sweater which I got for Christmas last year but I know ain’t cheap.48. Can you curl your tongue? Yes49. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie50. Left or right handed? Right, although I’m fairly competent with my left from when I was 8 and broke my right arm and had to use my left for everything for a while.51. Are you scared of spiders? Yes, they’re awful little demon bugs.52. Favorite food? Poutine lmao. I’m a stereotype.53. Favorite foreign food? Burritos.54. Are you a clean or messy person? Horrifically messy.55. Most used phrased? Lord, probably “lmao.” Or “your face.”56. Most used word? Probably “fuck”57. How long does it take for you to get ready? Depends for what. For just like, every day shit, like 20 minutes. If I actually wanna look good I need more time. Both of those require at least 20-40 minutes of sitting despondently on my bed wondering if I REALLY need to go where I’m supposed to go.58. Do you have much of an ego? I don’t think so?59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Lick/suck til I get bored, then bite. (Hey boys ;) )60. Do you talk to yourself? Yes, way too much.61. Do you sing to yourself? Quietly, but I do.62. Are you a good singer? FUCK no.63. Biggest Fear? The existential horror of Never Getting My Life Together.64. Are you a gossip? More than I should/want to be 65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? Ever? That’s a hard question. I have a really unpopular opinion about Manchester By The Sea (I KNOW how we’re supposed to feel about Casey Affleck) but I don’t even know if that’s the best EVER, it’s just very good and that makes me angry.66. Do you like long or short hair? On myself? Kinda miss my long hair now.67. Can you name all 50 states of America? If you give me time to figure them out, probably.  (let’s see - Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Hawaii, Washington, Oregon, California, Nevada, Utah, New Mexico, Texas, Louisiana, Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Iowa, North Dakota, South Dakota, Kentucky, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Montana, Indiana, Michigan, Illinois, Rhode Island, New York, Maine, Vermont, Massachusetts, Virginia, West Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, North Carolina, South Carolina, Colorado, Delaware, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Connecticut, Minnesota, Wyoming, Arizona, Missouri, Mississippi, Kansas, New Hampshire, Oklahoma. BAM.68. Favorite school subject? I was a nerd and loved History. I took American History in grade 11 SPECIFICALLY because my 10th grade History teacher was so good and he taught it, I wanted him again. I also liked English. Math can choke.69. Extrovert or Introvert? Introvert. But I play an extrovert on the internet.70. Have you ever been scuba diving? Nope.71. What makes you nervous? Crowds, specifically crowds hindering where I need to go or what I want to accomplish.72. Are you scared of the dark? No, I’m scared of things IN the dark lmao.73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Sometimes, but usually I couch it in “I think it might be this actually” which probably comes off as passive aggressive.74. Are you ticklish? Yes but if you exploit that you gonna die75. Have you ever started a rumor? Probably lol76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? Yep. I used to manage a store. I’m also a supervisor at my part-time job.77. Have you ever drank underage? I really didn’t that much but I did a little.78. Have you ever done drugs? Never hard drugs because I’m lame.79. Who was your first real crush? Third grade. Luke Costello. That crush... set a bit of a tone lol.80. How many piercings do you have? None, not even my ears, which everyone finds baffling for some reason.81. Can you roll your Rs? Yes!82. How fast can you type? I don’t know my exact WPM but it’s pretty fast I think.83. How fast can you run? Not very.84. What color is your hair? Red85. What color is your eyes? Green/hazel86. What are you allergic to? Potentially cats and/or dogs, dust, MAYBE alcohol lol.87. Do you keep a journal? Nope88. What do your parents do? they’re both retired but they were both teachers, the absolute nerds.89. Do you like your age? Sure90. What makes you angry? Dumb people at rush hour on public transit.91. Do you like your own name? I don’t hate it.92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? Not in a long, long time and when I used to they were all ridiculous and terrible, thank GOD I never had any.93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? I wouldn’t care.94. What are you strengths? I’m pretty chill I think?95. What are your weaknesses? Maybe too chill when things are important.96. How did you get your name? It was crazy popular in the 80s and my parents just liked it.97. Were your ancestors royalty? No, but there may have been a Polish lord somewhere in the line? No one is really sure. We ARE sure about the bank robber though. She’s my favourite.98. Do you have any scars? Oh hey a repeat question.99. Color of your bedspread? Purple100. Color of your room? Also purple

[i-am-a-fire-hazard]

Long rant, negative as fuck I gotta scream into the void and let my feelings out somehow, but you probably don’t wanna know tbh

Like what the fuck. I spend all day at work, I can’t wait to get home so I can do things that interest me. I get home, I spend hours working on cosplay, it sucks, it feels pointless and i’m making no progress, i hate it. I sit down to draw, i have no good references or ideas, i suck, i quit after 10 minutes. I go to bed and cry, but not before complaining at my poor girlfriend as she’s trying to go to sleep. because I’m a closeted asshole in a long distance relationship and that’s all I’ve got because I’ve barely got money for plane tickets, never mind the time off. My workplace is nice but I’m bored as hell so I’m not doing an amazing job and I feel shitty about that. I’m stuck in this country and I haven’t seen my parents in over a year, and all I do is fight with my mom over messenger. I can’t tell them I have a girlfriend I’m too scared. Why can’t I have both my girl and my family it’s not fair and it’s doubly not fair because they’re both far as fuck so I kind of have neither with me. I hate this damn country so much and everything is going to shit, I wanna fucking leave but I can’t I have to stay. I could have left after I graduated but now it’s too fucking late. All the reasons I stayed in the first place didn’t work out either, but now there’s other reasons and it’s just all confusing as hell. Now I’m stuck and I don’t know what I want to do with my life except NOT FUCKING THIS!!! I feel like I'm fucking dying I don’t feel like myself and I feel so disconnected, from my life and from everything I love. I feel like I have nothing to fight for, or I don’t know what to fight for. I’m just floating with no purpose. It’s the worst feeling in the world. I barely have a social life because all my brilliant friends are so accomplished and they already have their schedules figured out and they have stuff to do and plans to work for. I flounder in the background being a pitiful extrovert with social anxiety and a beta personality hoping someone else will suggest something fun because I can’t initiate plans myself, they would fail because who the fuck would want to hang out with me when there are so many better things to do? I’m just downer who drags people down anymore. My mind and my emotional state are all a fucking mess, I have hella anxiety about everything, I probably have ADD, I have no self esteem to speak of and no confidence in anything I do anymore. Everything just feeds into this awful state of nervous depression I WANT to do things but I either hate it as soon as I’ve started it or it feels fucking pointless. All I wanna do is buy clothes?? I should be saving money so i don’t know maybe i can eventually get somewhere in my pathetic life?? I even started doing sports again and I literally could not give less of a fuck it’s not helping at all. Usually I get excited about getting back into shape and doing exercise and i’m doing taekwondo and dance both things that i love but i literally have only been going for like 3 weeks and I feel like now I’m doing it for duty. I feel so indifferent about it. So numb at it all. I’m not even sleeping well I keep waking up early for some damn reason even though I’m permanently sleep deprived enough as is. I’m not working towards anythign and I’m not improving anything, I’m only losing ground in everything as everyone around me moves ahead. Everything I think I want is getting farther and farther while I sit here floundering and not knowing what to do. I hate it. I hate it all I hate myself I hate the person I think I’m becoming. I’m so weak. So fucking weak and stupid. Yeah I drag myself out of bed in the morning but it’s only because i’m afraid of things getting worse if I don’t. Oh and I also have almost $30k in debt for a degree I fucking hated almost every minute of and didn’t teach me anything good, only that i’m fucking incapable of meeting people’s standards and to fake art that I hate because the art I love and am passionate about isn’t fucking good enough. I have a -$30k piece of paper with fancy cursive now whoop de fucking doo. Oh and I likely have a broken toe or something, so now I’m gonna have to figure out how to haul my carless ass to a doctor’s office. More money spent yaaaay. And all my shoes hurt me except for my ugly tennis shoes. They’re ugly and I hate them and they make me feel ugly and unpresentable.

And the stupid US of fucking A doesn’t believe in hugs. Or emotions at all. Why do I even write these things I'm being stupid and embarrassing myself.