#I have social anxiety myself so yeah ig that’s why

[stepperthenobody]

Being middle-aged at its finest.

I guess I will be making tadc fanart once an episode releases. I don’t rlly wanna make that much fanart and all so yeah. I like my oc’s and would like to give them attention.

That doesn’t mean I won’t make fanart tho! I have made lots of fanart over the course of years so- yeah I don’t think I won’t be stopping with fanart soon.

[seventh-district]

not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go

(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)

[noxtivagus]

good morning i am just very slightly worried about prom <3

[astrxealis]

sometimes (often) i think about the characters i kin or relate to and then the realization comes in again and again that i need therapy (/lh?)

[my-castles-crumbling]

alr so i have really bad social anxiety but it comes and goes depending on the situation

i’ve been needing to get the oil changed in my car for a little bit and my mom said she’d do it for me because she knows it makes me nervous and she’s always done it

well today i took my car and my dash lit up saying it needed to be done ASAP so i had to go do it by myself after work (where i had a really long and stressful day) and i called my mom crying bc i was super anxious. on top of that its raining and i don’t have my glasses with me so i can’t see anything while driving and i really just wanted some reassurance from my mom who has always understood

so i called all she did was yell at me for “being immature” and then hung up. i could hear my dad in the background complaining about me bc she had me on speaker and i know that’s why she was being mean bc she always matches him in front of people but switches up when she’s alone

then she starts texting me immediately after, being all reassuring and stuff and at this point i’m already talking to the guy at the place so i ignore her when she calls but pick up when she tries again and she’s immediately mad saying “i was calling to help u and i was being nice. dad was gonna talk to the guy for u but now ur being a bitch” and she hung up again

so yeah now i’m sitting in my car getting an oil change and trying (and failing) not to cry in front of these men but they gave me a voucher for a free car wash bc i think they heard what she said

now there’s mascara tear stains on my work shirt and mom wants me to pick up a pizza

just a rant ig

Hi hon!

I'm so sorry that your parents weren't supportive. That's so frustrating. And honestly, car things are SO anxiety-provoking for so many people, because it's like...I know nothing about cars so I get so nervous about being taken advantage of. Good for you for getting your car taken care of and facing that anxiety.

Remember, whether or not your parents support you, I am SO proud of you for dealing with that anxiety! I know it's hard!

Naming you car anon in case you wanna write again!

[jellybeanium124]

me pretending you're my therapist under the cut

I feel like most people's social anxiety and self hate is supposed to peak in high school and then get better. but when I was in high school I was totally mentally doing bad for other reasons, but I was super secure in my relationships and wasn't constantly being bombarded by thoughts about how I'm incredibly annoying and every time I leave the room people are talking about how much they wish I wasn't here at all. but today I saw two of my closest friends, people I've known for 16/17 years and have always felt incredibly secure with, and I started having these thoughts about them!! I just feel like I'm going backwards and I don't know why. and I know, logically, that those thoughts are ridiculous and wildly self-centered, and that people probably aren't talking about me at all when I go to take a pee, let alone talking about how much they hate seeing me. but that doesn't stop the evil bastard in my brain from suggesting it.

idk man. maybe coz like when I was in school, my anxiety was totally focused on schoolwork. the things I used to tell myself was that I was lazy and would amount to nothing, and I'm feeling much more chill on that front and have processed that, especially with the whole "realizing I have adhd" thing. I used to be so laser focused on my fear of turning schoolwork in late and getting in trouble. I used to panic over essays I had barely started. and now that's all gone, and it has been for over a year. I have work, yeah, but when I go home, I'm off the clock. no more homework. no big projects to stress about. no essays or math worksheets. and it's fucking AMAZING, I love being done with school, but idk... I guess the incredibly anxious and paranoid part of my brain had to find something new to insult me about and constantly make me worried. I need to just like, fuckin, stop myself from falling deeper and deeper into these thought patterns. I did it once before. it took me about a year and a half but I was 100% committed to fixing my relationship with my body and now I don't hate how I look anymore. I just gotta start saying "NO. shut UP you dumb FUCK" again to this new voice ig

[ofmermaidstories]

I totally agree with you on not liking the current, "you must reblog or don't read it" mentality. While it's great to support fanfic writers if you're comfortable with it, there are a lot of reasons why someone may not feel comfortable reblogging a particular fic (for me personally my social anxiety sometimes gets the best of me and I simply cannot handle the idea of being perceived). I think the problem comes when people don't interact with fics and then start to ask for more content from the author (which I suspect is only a few people but it's enough to give some writers a really bad impression). I used to write for a very small fandom and even I had several experiences of people asking for part 2s or updates when the original fic had very little interaction and I was most definitely not a request blog. I've personally never written fanfiction to get comments but stuff like that made me feel used and I even had one interaction that toed the line of emotional blackmail and put me off writing for that fandom altogether so I can definitely see why some authors end up so jaded that they block anyone who doesn't interact positively (even if it's not something I really agree with). So yeah, I really don't think there's anything wrong with genuine lurkers but I fear sadly they've been given a bad name by the few people who do treat fanfic authors as content machines.

Anyway, I hope I haven't rambled too much and that you're having a good day Merms!

Oh yeah, absolutely!!! Like, true entitlement is such a problem that genuine lurkers are getting murked for; which is unfair because it makes a scapegoat out of them and doesn’t solve the real problem at all. And I say “true entitlement” because there’s a difference between a comment that’s like, “will there be a part 2? 🥺” and “part 2” LOL, which is my personal pet peeve, like—what happened to hi?? hello??? how are you??? 💀 I’m not a chat AI, you don’t get to input demands. 🤖📖🚫

Idk—I try not to be mean about even that, tho, because I suspect a lot of this behaviour is indicative of younger readers, but then it just circles back to the problem of like, how do we correct it on a community-wide scale? Because sure, entitlement like that might be coming from a younger reader, but it might just as easily be coming from an asshole LMAO. The only “quick” solution that I can see for it is directly addressing it when it happens. 🥺 And again I wanna emphasise that there’s a clear difference between a genuine enquiry and a throwaway demand!! Like, personally, I don’t mind people asking when I might update or whatnot, because I don’t hold myself to a schedule and my updates are haphazard. But if you’re a more structured and dependable writer (like andypants, for example!) then maybe it’s a different story idk idk. It’s literally case-by-case—which is how it should be, because we’re all individual people writing different things.

I’m sorry your other fandom experience was kinda soured for you though, Anon. 🥺 I would feel used too! I’ve actually come to really dislike writing generic, non-bigger-fic related drabbles because they’re always the pieces that attract the worst of the entitlement. 💀 I say that like it’s a plague of demands lmfao, it’s not, but it happens often enough that it’s noticeable—and I guess it’s just the nature of them being easily digestible without needing like 100k+ of backstory to get into it, but….. idk idk. It’s startling! 😦 And I think the only action we can take that’s even close to a solution is just gently addressing it whenever it pops up. 😔 Or blocking ig if that’s how u roll, LOL.

[mazojo]

Winter 2022 Anime Opinions

As always my thoughts because no one asked

From least to fav here are my overall thoughts:

Urusei Yatsura (2022)

I am just not the target audience for this. This is probably a nostalgia ridden show that people who watched the original will love and enjoy but I am not that person and with the two eps I watched I had enough. The jokes were not funny to me all characters were annoying and yeah the animation is nice but I will not put myself through something I will not enjoy for it tbh. Watch it if you liked the original ig

Tonikaku Kawaii: SeifukU

I dislike tonikaku with a passion it gives go girl give us nothing to the negative 20 no flavor no taste still the same shiz as the show so yeah. Watch it if you liked the series lmao its more of the same

Shinobi no Ittoki

I guess…… Its really kinda bland and I can’t pinpoint why. The concept is interesting but it just doesn’t hold up in its execution and I dont care for it run sorry do better I guess

Fumetsu no Anata e 2nd Season

I try so hard to care, SO hard. Since season 1 I have found this show to be kinda…. All over. Like the only storyline I cared about was the one with the kid with the mask last season and since that its just been meh to me. Like, we already kinda know how everything is going to go and all the arcs are kinda the same, they show us someone, we care for them for like half an episode, they die, repeat.

Bocchi the Rock! 

I TRIES SO HARD TO CARE TOO I AM SO SORRY. This has been like the number 1 show this year but I… I dont know I just dont like it ASDFGHJ I am not a big fan of cute girls doing nothing specially mixed with the uwu social anxiety quirky. Like they dont paint it in a bad light like most shows do and the art style is very unique but I just dont… Give a shit adfgdhjf I tried I promise but hey if you are into this shows probs the one for you.

Mushikaburi-hime

This one is boring I am ngl. Its not bad but like… Its not good either. Ive seen this trope done SO many times its just boring. It hasn’t done anything bad per se but I just dont really care for it much. I like my romance with spicier ships so yeah I mean if you like cute royal same old same old couples then watch it.

Fuufu Ijou, Koibito Miman.

Do you like boobs????? Do you like boobs ON your screen for 23 minutes??????? Then you will for sure enjoy this one fellas! ASDFGHJ I… I am not the biggest fan of ecchi so this is a lot for me but hey if you like this fan service trash then you go bestie. Character design is cute I dont care for any characters as of the moment so yeah I guess its something

Chainsaw Man

This is the one that gets me cancelled ASDFGH. I am not going to say much other than I've never been a fan of chainsaw man since the manga and you can write me all the essays y'all want but I just.... Dont care sorry lol ADFSJAK Its just not for me; I am not saying its bad per se, I am just not the person that enjoys this type of shows. Akiangel as the only thing that matters of chainsaw man fr fr

Aru Asa Dummy Head Mic ni Natteita Ore-kun no Jinsei

This is trash but it goes higher just because Its what it is and delivers just what I expected. The reincarnated person is annoying as fuck but the girls have cute dynamics so that's why it goes higher. Its just 3 minutes skits of the girls being cute so yeah its okay

Koukyuu no Karasu

I feel like this is a good show but I am just not the target for this adsfgh its a show you gotta pay attention to understand and a lot of history goes behind it and it just kinda bored me but I know its not bad. I just dont think its for me but that's okay I might keep watching it.

Eternal Boys 

Its okay. Its a nice concept and I have only watched like 3 eps but its a nice message I guess. Its short and whatever so it doesn't take much time to watch but its not something revolutionary. I like idol shows so maybe I am giving it more than what it is.

Mob Psycho

This is the one that gets me cancelled part 2 SKSKSK. I am not going to lie besties, I am not the biggest mob psyhco fan. Its okay, I just never got into the hyper around it sorry :(( I really wish I could because I know its a good story and I ddi like that last episode a lot but like,,,,, I feel like the story was over last season ASDFGH But hey I am glad y'all enjoyed it a lot!

Boku no Hero Academia 6th Season

I am ngl, I am like on ep 2 of bnha season 6 but have seen the Dabi scene like 20 times thanks to social media and I got no choice but to Stan. I dont like this arc of bnha as y'all know but it seems more interesting than last season and I like the way the animation direction is going so I will give them points for it.

Do It Yourself!! 

Lesbians your honor!!!! I like this one! Its cute girls doing silly lil stuff and I am not a big fan of the genre like I said but this one is more entertaining for me, maybe because I am more into DIY shit but its cute!! Nothing big happens tbh but its a soft watch to put in the background if y'all enjoy this

Romantic Killer

This was cute! A refreshing romcom from the ones weve gotten recently tbh. I liked it even though I have a different interpretation of the road they took it in the end but it was a fun show to watch with some nice gags and cute characters, defo give it a go!

Renai Flops

Okay hear me out. This one is in a weird place but hear me out. I hate everything this anime stands for because it was such a cliche weird and ecchi but it was such an interesting train wreck I HAD to keep on watching every episode and when I least expected it I was suddenly on ep 6 and the twist left me screAmiNG. It kinda goes downhill again after ep 7 but just because it took me so off guard (dont wanna spoil it but aloO) it goes high up, gg 1 for the ecchi trash 0 for Maria this round.

Yowamushi Pedal: Limit Break

Ngl this season of yowapeda hasn't been as hyped as I hoped for me but I care so much about the characters I will place it high up SKSKSKSK its basically more of the same; I honestly miss the upperclassman a lot but its okay my babies appear like for .2 frames and I start sobbing

Akuyaku Reijou nano de Last Boss wo Kattemimashita 

okaY is this trash??? yes. Do I care??? nO. I LOVE MY SILLY LIL TROPES OKAY ITS FUNNY AND SILLY AND DUMB AND THEY ARE CUTE SO IT GOES UP OKAY I LIKE HAMEFURA WHAT DO YALL EXPECT FROM ME. still kinda trash but like, guilty pleasure trash.

4-nin wa Sorezore Uso wo Tsuku

THIS IS HOW YOU DO CUTE GIRLS (AND TSUKASA LY BESTIE) DOING CUTE STUFF IN A GOOD WAY. If you like Saiki K you'll like this show. I dont know how to explain it but it gives the energy from Saiki K and I loved it they are very important and relevant.

Spy x Family Part 2 

Its more of the same of part 1 y'all know spy x family its a good show I love them all I love when my families are found go stream it look at Bond and Anya being best family

Tiger & Bunny

The gays are back for more and better! Not my favorite season buT I still care about them all so much that I dont care SKSKSK go stream tiger & bunny I dont have much more to say

Cool Doji Danshi 

Do you love dumb people??? Me too! then this anime is for you ! Its silly short and goes to the point. It doesnt try to be something its not and I like my anime silly and dumb. If you are looking for something easy and silly watch this.

Blue Lock

Guys guys my favorite comfort soccer players are finally animated!!! Watch it. If y'all follow me y'all know I am annoying about blue lock. Its the only anime that has Bachira AND Reo imagine the odds!!! Its a great sports anime and the characters are great and I love it and its my comfort okay

Mairimashita! Iruma-kun 3rd Season

Lets all pretend for a second we are all surprised M!ik is number one woah Maria that is so weird your favorite manga animated as number one????? did not expect it that's wild. Anyways M!ik supremacy today tomorrow its the Lied arc and Iruma and that one episode were Iruma cries made me emo and I love it and I think you should all be super cool and interesting and go watch m!ik it would make us all a better society.

[rubalotl]

An annoying thing happened, I'm gonna talk about it.

That person I talked to on Sunday called me today to ask some additional questions. And for the record, out of all the mental-health-related professionals I've talked to, she has come across as the most non-understanding person. But she didn't say anything atrocious, the weirdest thing she said was to insinuate that I choose to let my anxiety control me when I stay up late at night because of anxiety... ??ok??? But whatever, I just thought maybe she didn't mean it like that.

Well anyway, she called again today and it's so clear she knows nothing about trans stuff other than the bare minimum. Like, if we're talking about gender dysphoria you obviously want to be the other binary gender, right. Which... no. So I tried to clumsily explain non-binary to her, which I'm awful at because I hate talking loud about this topic (this is like the 3rd person I've talked to about it) and so I have no damn practice in explaining it in words. And once again I'm put into this god-awful awkward situation of explaining this to a disinterested cis-person that will probably for sure think I'm insane after we hang up.

And she responds with stuff like "well, I've always considered myself more masculine too, are you sure this requires some kind of intervention?" and "Why not just be that (nonbinary) then?" ...as if it's SUPER EASY to feel valid in a world that does not acknowledge the existence of non-binary genders. As if I can just tell anyone that "I'm non-binary" and they'll be like "Oh ok :)" AS IF I CAN JUST DO THAT. Yeah, just be nonbinary fivehead.

Or as if it's not a problem at all to talk about medical issues relating to this kind of body because medical professionals are just as ignorant, because I sure can't right now (and I do have... problems). I already refuse to do pap tests, which is a common procedure in Sweden. But I cancel the appointments immediately and throw away the summon notice right away so I don't have to think about it because it gives me such intense anxiety.

And finding a social role has been... impossible, so far. Being put in traditionally feminine tasks tears on my psyche constantly and I'm too weak to be very useful for manual labor, compared to those stronger than me, my contribution is nothing.

Yeah so.. never mind all these practical issues I have in everyday life because of this ig, because uh... *checks notes* this 50+ year old lady that knows nothing about trans issues feel a bit masculine sometimes.

[policemanofprincesspark]

How Harry Could Improve

1. Post! Photos! On! IG! Nobody expects selfies from him but just the occasional pic of him on vacation, or something quirky he's seen on his travels, or a book he's read and recommends! His caption game used to be strong and showcased his sense of humor.

2. Find another London best friend who isn't Controversial Corden who nobody likes.

3. Take more care with your street style. Leave the hair clip, the woolly hat and the trackies at home. He killed street style between 2013-2017.

How Louis Could Improve

1. He won't stop smoking cigarettes and weed but he could stop glamorizing it by posting photos of himself doing it. I can't think of anyone else who does that these days including his idol Liam G.

2. Don't drink alcohol on stage or take pics with fans when you're clearly very drunk or high.

3. Ditch the fake Manchester accent you use when you sing. He never had this in 1d or on Walls. A lot of fans found the FitF songs hard to understand.

For Harry:

1. I miss Harry being active on social media. I know he might be trying to seem mysterious and unattainable, but I remember even when he posted while in 1D, at least in the years that I was a fan, he still retained that mystery and intrigue because his tweets were often cryptic and he rarely posted on instagram. Likewise, those posts also had cryptic captions. He comes off as super pretentious when he refuses to engage with fans via social media when most other celebrities do.

2. You are who your friends are. He has multiple zionist friends, has a bizarrely obsessive allyship towards Jewish people and Judaism, and pumps his fist at the Israel flag. It's clear that he is a PROUD zionist—but not proud enough to lose his career over his views. I know many celebrities right now aren't speaking up, but I'd rather they just tell us they're on Israel's side than say nothing. Like, don't be a pussy about it.

3. His street style used to look so fashionable and interesting. I guess he's just tired these days of having to "go to work" and get papped, so he doesn't put the effort in most of the time. That's my guess.

For Louis:

1. Yeah, there are no excuses for that. He needs to have some shame, especially when he knows he has so many teen fans. Most smokers I've known have discouraged me from picking it up. All Louis is doing is encouraging. Like, why? If time travel was possible, I wonder if Louis would want to tell his past self not to start smoking. Like I said, most smokers I've known regret it.

2. He has a very serious problem. Every alcoholic I've known used alcohol to "self-medicate" when all they had was depression, anxiety, or some kind of personality disorder that they never got diagnosed. I've talked about this before—I think Louis has ADHD and has not gotten a diagnosis. I have it myself, so that's why I recognize the symptoms he showcases. He was an alcoholic before his mother died, but I think it's only worsened since then. He's going down the route Liam (Payne) went. I fear he'll never recognize the problem for what it is though.

3. In 1D, they all had to sing in semi-American accents, so I wouldn't use that as an example of what Louis's "real accent" is. I'm not great with British accent differences, so if you could give me an example of Louis singing a specific word in both Walls and FITF in completely different accents, please do. If he really is putting on a fake accent to copy Liam Gallagher or whatever, that's... really cringey, ngl.

[mackjlee9]

hi dad i wanna reply to Anon who replies to my story earlier.

like i understand ur feelings bro bc i used to feel that way. actually right now there are still times i feel like that too bc im not the person who has a lot of friends. i only have two close friends that i can often text with but i tell none of them about my real feelings since im scared of being a bother.

im not good at making friends bc of my social anxiety and insecurities. im also convinced that no one has ever loved me truly until i achieve sth or help them with sth big enough. even the friend who is in the story. i mean i dont wanna doubt him bc he's a great friend, showing me a lot of things, but i know one of the reason why he wanna be with me bc i can help him with studying English.

so yeah i dunno, just put urself out there ig. im not in a better place than u bro bc now im only distracting my feelings by studying and working non-stop 🥶

- 🍉

damn, son, i felt that 😬

I can't make friends, that's just not part of my personality, i don't seek friends because I always convinced myself I don't need them, but it feels nice to be able to talk to someone from time to time☺️

[pinkspiraling]

solo therapy session bc i need to get out of bed

i am getting anxiety bc i am putting too much pressure on myself. i’ve told everyone i’m not looking for a new job for 1-2 months bc i know i need time but now i’m rushing myself. which is silly! bc i want time for the meds to help i want time to prepare and work on my confidence and get used to trying to be alive again. i’ve been in the worst and longest depressive episode of my life and it’s so unfair to expect myself to jump back after like two weeks jfc who in the world could even do that. it wouldn’t even be a good thing for me to do that! ig i feel like ik my social anxiety is whats keeping me from getting a new job sooner but like yeah…that’s a big problem for me. so stay on meds and work at it why tf should i have to be able to overcome my biggest fears right this second, i need to build up to it. if it was my best friend who was in the situation i’d be like bitch! take some time to rest and enjoy life! you almost died! lmao i have to be more understanding towards myself. i am not bad because i can’t face my fears right now. it is hard to face fears and it takes time and if it takes me all year or even two years to get a new job, i will still be proud of myself and it will not make me a piece of shit. i’m not a piece of shit even if it takes a long time to heal i’m not a piece of shit even if it takes a long time to heal i’m not a piece of shit even if it takes a long time to heal

[fnaf-girls-world]

im back. i have a lot i’ll try to update on throughout this month and whatevs. but i’ll give a little umph of it. i got a new number, and he’s so much better. it’s been 5 days and it already feels like it’s doing so good, it took like 5 weeks for that feeling to happen with the last guy. but moving on to todays topic. it’s about like me. my mom thinks i have something wrong with me now because i cried in front of her really bad. it was a whole sob session about idek what i was just crying about everything, my grades, lack of social skills, my personality and appearance and how I think they both suck, and etc. something i realize though is that i hate feeling things, i wanna pretend to feel happy because that keeps me content, having too many emotions at once makes me finally breakdown and i hate having those moments. crying like my life is over in front of someone is the worst for me. cause then i feel like they’ll pity me or always see me as weak, i want them to continue to look at me like i’m how i was before. even though yeah i finally maybe let out a true me but i hate that they know about it now. i wanna be like for real happy, idk even know how to describe it. even my psychology teacher sees something’s off wiht me. she literally asked me if i was okay and she keeps giving me these “r u ok” kind of looks, am i that obvious. can someone tell just by looking at me that my week has been off. one thing i just thought of that really initiated my idea to write this was that i hate being compared to someone. someone smart, pretty and nice? no, not that kind of comparing. when someone like my mom will say “you remind of your dad in that case” or “your personality is like yours dad rn” or “your literally your dad”. like i don’t dislike my dad and nothing is wrong with him it’s just that, her complaining all the time about he’s a bad person (she says i don’t agree) and he’s a manipulator and he’s annoying and gets on her nerves a lot really has me thinking. am i like that to you? your comparing me to someone who you seem to have something against. same thing with my best friend, she had this friend before me who had done her really wrong and both her and her mom always tell me that i remind them of her. like what, i didn’t do anything bad to you. why the hell am i being compared to your horrible ex best friend?? moving on from that tho and going back into my mental issues, i don’t think my mom wants to accept the fact that i most likely have something mentally wrong with me. she denies therapy and says i don’t have a real issue so it probably wouldn’t work and she doesn’t want me being prescribed with meds, but like if will really help me why not?? an update on the things she thinks i have, depression, ADHD and anxiety. she suffers from two out of the three (diagnosed and all) so she sees the similarities between me and her. she’s never really had an insanely traumatic experience either yet she’s prescribed. i just wanna get better. even if that means i could be lowkey a robot on meds but idc, i wanna be everything but sad and worried 24/7. and all the time i feel like i’m constantly in flight or fight like i need to defend myself all the time or i need to run from my problems and i don’t know how to control any of my worries it’s just so stressful. but i have to try yk? ig you’ll never know if you don’t try. well i gotta lock in, gotta do my homework. bye

(5/23/24, 7:33pm)

[ladyfanatics]

my account just keeps on getting less and less active, but i like it. there’s something so great about silence these days. my thoughts can get quite loud. i should talk to y’all about him. having a crush for a girl isn’t a good experience. it makes one want to rip their hair out, spoon out their eyeballs, and die. it also makes me compare myself to other girls a lot. i used to be super self confident, but ever since my depression i’ve noticed i don’t like anything about myself. tomorrow has caused me a lot of anxiety. it’s going to be another dreadful day. first class, SHES there with her stupid friends. i hate her. i know it’s bad, but i can’t help myself. i hate everything i used to love about her, her annoying face, her grating voice, the annoying way she carries herself. it’s so mean of me, but lately i’m sick of regulating myself. deep down, i’m a mean, sad and pessimistic girl. i can’t stand happiness. in an odd way, im attached to my depression. when i got slightly better again, i cried myself to sleep that night. you want to get better until you realize you love the way it feels to be sad. anyways, enough of the depressing rants. tomorrow, i have 3 exams and the only class where i don’t have an exam, her dumbass is there. i fucking hate her. there, i said it. ever since it happened, my trust issues have been trough the roof. i don’t trust anyone and i hate talking to others. it’s bad, and it’s getting worse. but when he’s there, it gets a bit better. i like the way he smiles at me sometimes. today, ugh i’ve gotta talk about today. as you know, we have 2 classes together. and in one of them, we sit next to each other. he has a bit of trouble while i excel at it. while i take 10 minutes to compete a test, he takes double. today , we were writing down stuff that the teacher was telling us. after highlighting everything on my paper, i put my pen down and started looking at the walls. that’s when i saw him, looking up at the board, then back at me. i kinda had to pretend not to notice, but he’s so damn cute. he took my sheet of paper and started writing down. i giggled and was confused as to why he was even doing this. he put my sheet back, and i noticed he had wrote down stuff that the teacher was saying to write down that i didn’t care about. then he did it again. i smiled and took it back. but he took away from my hands and told me he wasn’t finished. i don’t know why, that just made me blush so hard. then we had a test. during it, he asked me for answers, which i gave. he argued with me about it but i told him to trust me. (cuz i’m right i hope) outside of class, he says hi to me sometimes. ugh i just want to lick him right then and there. but i can’t go for him, even if all my friends know i like him. too many girls like him, and not only am i not pretty enough, but two girls that i know have affiliations with him. one went out with him, the other has a crush on him, but i don’t know if i should care. firstly, she’s in the grade below me, secondly i’ve never spoken to her in real life. like ever.. so yeah. and with my bff we talk a lot. i don’t wanna jinx it but it helps me out sometimes. i like talking to him. and with my other friends i’m still adjusting. and today i smiled at someone who i think kinda dislikes me. she didn’t do anything, it’s my social anxiety. i smile and always like her stories to let her know i don’t hate her ig. this is random but i frickin love lana

[sqqsfeet]

small vent,,

i really cannot stand it no more like genuinely, for years i had so many signs of anxiety and depression of which despite being bullied at the time and it being brought to attention, they werent taken care of and why of course when i thought it couldnt get worse it just does. idk since like january i had these faint sick feelings (its like an uncomfortable nauseating feeling down in my stomach which just doesnt get better until i did stuff like sh) - the sick feelings got worse in may and probably a lot worse now. i don't remember the last time ive genuinely felt happy and im just questioning even the point now bc im not seeing progress at all within my life - even despite exams being over (which should have taken away half my stress but it made it worse?), i just lately feel overly self conscious on how i look and how i act. i keep feeling humiliated from living bc of the sometimes awkward social encounters i have (mainly not being able to word myself amongst people which leads me to stress even more into feeling faint and everything). idk i just really dont feel like living with all this burden anymore, whether its from my appearance, that sick feeling or just anything atp. however its almost as if life just is torturing me by making me stay - like i literally attempted sewerslide 2 weeks ago and im by a bridge and this fucking cyclist sticks their arm out??? my shoulder was so bruised but ig it may have been a 'save' from their perspective. i just feel sicker the longer im here atp, but its not like i dont want to get better, im open to camhs but tbh i didnt really tell them a lot at the assessment bc my mum was with me and she already was getting emotional but yeah, a couple of days ago i had a massive mental breakdown and i was literally all snotty etc but i told my parents almost everything, which i gotta admit made me slightly better but here i am again. back then i scratched my wrists out of stress but it didnt get tge sick feeling away and to this day i see the leftovwr scratches and it still hurts (i think i went rather deep on one arm but not deep enough for stitches etc, altho im quite sure it got infected). either way, i got offtopic, i would speak to my parents maybe now but its almost 2am and they need to wake up in like 3 hours so ill let them sleep whilst i dont really have that many close friends i would want to disclose this with - in fact i only have 1 but i feel like its become a bit awkward between us online (irl its all fine tho) which kinda makes me feel worse but also it makes me not want to really bother them either bc ik they have things going. i just really want this sick feeling to go away.

sorry if some of this doesnt make sense, its mainly just for me anyway

[scarlethallow160]

why tf do one bedroom apartments have to be so expensive (this is a huge vent dump pls avert your gazes)

my roommate keeps inviting people to our apartment without fucking telling me (or waiting til the LAST possible second to do so) even tho i’ve said time and time again i hate when people do that especially cuz he has a bad habit of doing that when we have plans where he just invites other people (esp people i barely know or dont know at all) without telling me or anyone else that was already involved. its even more aggravating cuz when this is brought up he acts like he makes sure to avoid this and he fucking doesnt like when i lived with an old friend and an ex-friend, him and our other friend invited someone to our place (so they invited a stranger to a place they did not live at) and none of them fucking told me until i was literally about to walk inside after work and like am i crazy or do people not see how rude that is?? like dawg thats my fucking home U GOTTA TELL ME WHEN PEOPLE THAT DO NOT LIVE THERE ARE GOING TO BE THERE

and if ur going to force me to interact with strangers have the decency to introduce us???? once we went to meet with some friends (not rly but i’d met them before) and ig one of their sisters was there and they just. didnt introduce us to each other? and we were on opposite ends of the table so its not like we could really interact either? and they did this when we got invited to another friends bday thing where someone i’d never been introduced to was there and they didnt fuckin introduce us and i was anxious cuz i was sitting across from her and finally had to be like “oh hi are u x? i’m so-and-so” like jesus christ is this not common sense for people? why are yall okay with forcing complete strangers to hangout

and with work today i was so overstimulated and got more and more aggravated by this cuz like i dont want to have to move every year and one bedrooms are so expensive rn but im so fucking tired of going thru this. not to mention we dont have a ceiling fan in our living room so he turns down the ac rly low when people are over so it jacks up our ac bill so it makes me even More anxious cuz him inviting people over = social anxiety for me and general anxiousness knowing our bill is going to be higher

i was so aggravated by this i ended up skipping out on plans we had today cuz my roommate also talks about himself. a lot. and we were out with friends like yesterday night or smthing and he kept going on and on about some guys he’s talking to on a dating app and i knew that would just make me angrier and idk it kinda sucked that one of my other friends involved thought i felt i was rly close with didnt seem to gaf either that i abruptly dropped out and theres obviously something wrong with me mental health-wise cuz i have this really bizarre self-sabotaging tendency when my mood severely dips where i convince myself no one cares or everyone hates me and think of this dark scenarios and just kind of start spiraling

and with my anger issues i go thru this weird loop of understanding a lot of my emotional/temperamental and communication issues stems from my fucked up family cuz my mom is super vain/self-absorbed and never thinks she can be wrong and basically my sisters are the same so i keep things bottled up and end up getting REALLY angry with no healthy outlet until i reach a breaking point and im just not great with communicating how i rly feel either cuz talking to my family was like talking to a brick wall and my older sister would literally cut me off constantly telling me to shut up so i rarely communicate things beyond like....joking around and stuff so i tend to vent/trauma dump into the void on social media lmfao which is obviously not healthy at all either but like......yeah it also sucks when i start spiraling and thinking back on this shit that i’ll never get closure from the longterm issues i developed from my family cuz now they want to act like we’re this tight-knit super close family that always got along and even if i were to ever bring this shit up they’d just point fingers or deny doing anything wrong.

 idk like its nice having a group of friends i can hangout with and stuff irl but also i feel like i cant ever really talk to them about anything like this that im going thru cuz i also feel super uncomfortable thinking i might be making things about myself (and honestly i do hate when people trauma-dump on me completely out of nowhere so i also want to avoid doing that)

also whats stopping me about addressing these issues with my roommate is cuz he has a tendency to victimize himself and thinking hes just being attacked? like he’s also super self-deprecating All the time which is also extremely exhausting to deal with constantly and it pisses me off that with our other friend/my old roommate, my current roommate kisses his ass and listened to him when he told him these issues of him being too self-deprecating etc. but ik if anyone else did he would just feel sorry for himself

im tired of this