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the-ace-with-spades · 4 days ago

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(sorry this got longer than I thought)

You know what fic I'd love to read?

One where Carole dies but doesn't get anything in order before her death (as is many times the case) and Mav is installed as Bradley's temporary guardian after her death but everything goes wrong very fast

Due to Mav's less than heterosexuals tendencies, Bradley ends up in the foster system. One day a social worker with a police officer just shows up and takes him away from school and he doesn't know what's going on. He ends up in his first not so good foster family the same evening. Mav can't even visit as he is deemed a bad influence and has an ongoing investigation if he is 'fit' to be Bradley's guardian.

He doesn't stop asking about Mav for months. Keeps trying to run away to him (he's about 50 miles away because foster homes are sparse so no dice) and finally his foster 'mom' is fed up with the constant asks to at least try and call Mav so she tells him Mav didn't want him and doesn't want Bradley to contact him.

And because Bradley is twelve, he believes it.

(It's not that Mav didn't try. There was a whole appeal process but Mav had a deployment right after and he couldn't explain to the social workers that no, Bradley would stay with someone trusted while he was gone, because that someone was Ice, the source of his suspected homosexual tendencies. They literally told him he's not allowed to contact Bradley and once he came back from deployment, Bradley was already in a different foster home, a few counties over and lost in the system.)

Bradley spends the rest of his childhood in the system. His first family is dubious and the following ones are a mix of constant hope and disappointment. He has at least two different families foster him every year, until he is sixteen and ends up in a group home. There are only two families that he actually comes close to calling family - a young married couple that stops fostering when the wife is diagnosed with chronic autoimmune disorder, and a couple of teachers that have to drop one of the two kids they foster when the financial requirements to foster raise and decide that Bradley is going to be that kid.

No one ever even thinks about adopting him. He's got good grades and stays on top of school, but that's about what is going well in his life. Some families he's with are average - they let him be and maybe don't care as much for anything that involves him as long it doesn't stir trouble at the fostering agency and Bradley is healthy and safe. Some families are worse - sometimes he is one of the five kids and is expected to stay and be a live-in nanny, sometimes they're only doing it for the money and he has barely anything, barely any food, barely any attention, barely any clothes, barely any school supplies, just so he doesn't cost too much. Sometimes, things get physical - it happens less, the taller he gets and by the time he starts fighting back, he has enough reputation that no one believes it and no one wants to foster him anymore. And group home it is.

By the time he's seventeen, he's enlisted. Just so he leaves the system as fast as he can. It all works out because the Navy fits the bill for his university and NROTC when the time comes - even if he's told he's not a good candidate for the USNA, even if he was told his grades and his achievements should be more than enough, even if despite the circumstances, he managed to meet the same requirements.

Finding out that it was Pete 'Maverick' Mitchell who protested his application and pulled the plug on it is Bradley's second heartbreak.

Bradley bites down any complaints he has about life and enters UVA at 21, with a military scholarship and NROTC bursary. At that point, he doesn't even know if he still wants to go into aviation, it brings so much bitterness in him. But then his grades and his overall achievement are so good, everyone says it'd be a waste if he didn't go to one of the most competitive pipelines. The Navy pays for his private pilot licence when he hesitates, and sure enough, it does feel good.

The pipeline is where he meets Jake Seresin. Jake Seresin, who has two brothers and two sisters and who has jars of homemade jam and chocolate-covered plums sent in a little package from his mom at least once a month. Jake Seresin, who uses all his leave to attend weddings, holiday parties, birthday parties, even a dog's funeral. Jake Seresin, who comes from every Thanksgiving with spare pumpkin pie, who has a new handmade Christmas sweater every year.

Jake Seresin, who, for some reason not known to Bradley, is impressed with how effortless learning to fly is for Bradley, with how much Bradley knows, with how much he leads in the lectures and the flight lessons - most guys find Bradley annoying and cold and Bradley would've agreed with them if any said it to his face. The Navy is the only good thing Bradley's had since his mom died, he has much more time to focus on being good at whatever Navy throws at him and maybe that makes him strange and aloof. But not Jake.

Jake Seresin, who is a competitive asshole that can't shut his mouth for his own good. Who has no idea of personal space, who fills the silence better than a jukebox, who will drill and drill the topic until he gets an answer he can comprehend, who doesn't care what people think of him as long as he knows his worth.

Bradley might have a bit of a crush on him, but it's an annoying crush kind of crush - one he doesn't really want to have, one he doesn't really know what to do with. Jake Seresin, who probably would never look at Bradley twice, especially in that way.

They get separate F-18 training bases and Bradley forgets for a moment Jake Seresin ever existed.

Then, summer of 2011, Jake Seresin gets restationed, right into Bradley's squadron. And he's still his annoying self, inserting himself into Bradley's private space, private time, and doesn't let Bradley have a say in it, at all.

Maybe Bradley doesn't want to have any say in it, deep down.

A few months later, DADT gets repealed. It doesn't change much for Bradley, he's not going to talk to anyone about his personal life. But it seems it changes something for Jake.

Because he asks Bradley out on a date.

Bradley's never really dated. Didn't really have the time to when he was a teenager, moved so many times, and then he enlisted, and then he was in college and NROTC. He slept with people, but he's never dated anyone.

So he gets to know Jake Seresin. Jake Seresin, who despite bringing all that food back with him any time he visits his parents, can't cook at all and who would hang onto Bradley's arm or shoulders whenever Bradley cooked. Who can sew so well that he saves all of Bradley's old shirts. Who can't keep his mouth shut, no matter the circumstances - not in the theatre, not when they eat, not when they just watch a movie at home, not even in bed. Who seems to know every single tune under the sun but can't play a single instrument. Who has elaborate, detailed plans for his life - an admiral by forty, two kids by thirty-five, a nice little house in driving distance to some body of water, a German shepherd or a border collie for a family dog once the house is there, a personal two or maybe four-person plane by the time he's forty-five, maybe co-owning aeroclub by fifty.

Bradley's never before thought about the future.

He never tells Jake even half of the things he's seen and lived through when he was in foster care, never tells him about his pulled application from USNA, never tells him about Mav. He doesn't think Jake would be able to understand, the way his family seems perfect and loving and caring. He doesn't want him to know how many things is wrong with him.

But Jake knows he's got no family, that his dad died in the Navy, his mom when he started middle school, that he's been in foster care for all his teenage years. Knows that Bradley has no one to come back home.

"Don't be a fool, sweetheart," is what Jake tells him. "You've got me."

For the first time in his life at the age of 29, Bradley requests Christmas leave.

Bradley's never had a big family, but there was a time he once had a family - or so he thought, when he was twelve and the illusion shattered - so he thought he'd be okay.

And at first, he is fine. Jake rotates him around like a prize piece, introducing him to his siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, nephews, cousins, grandparents, but it's just two or three people at once. Whenever it seems like too much, Bradley drifts away to the kitchen where he can just stay silent and listen to Jake's mom talk to the various people that come by while he slices homemade ham or he steps out onto the backyard and talks to the kids of all the ages gathered around the makeshift playground.

But then they're right before dinner starts - there are over thirty people in the open space of the house, now that everyone arrived, and Bradley feels hot, suffocating in the crowded space, in the clutter of gifts and food and colorful Christmas sweaters.

And then, before he can take any of it in, he hears Jake, saying in his typical loud and teasing tone, that Bradley can play the piano, and look at that, he could play something Christmas-y before the turkey is done, and next thing he knows, there's over thirty pairs of eyes on him and plenty of people asking questions and making teasing remarks and it all seems so tricky--

He can't imagine himself, in that room, with all those people, feeling comfortable. So he walks out.

Bradley doesn't know how to be a part of a family. There's no reason to try and lie to himself and everyone else.

They don't see each other for years after. The next time they do, it's only the eight weeks at Top Gun. The Jake that Bradley knew isn't there - this Jake is bitter and sarcastic and sharp with his tongue. This Jake wins Top Gun and never looks back at Bradley when he returns to his station base.

The next time they see each other is at the Top Gun recall when Bradley is going through a life roller coaster.

Not only is Jake being the biggest ass not just to him but to everyone, for the first time in twenty years, Bradley sees Mav. Sure, maybe he's not moved on from Jake - he still remains the only person Bradley ever dated - but he's managed to dodge Maverick, and Iceman by association, in all those years he's been in the Navy and now he's forced to pretend all is fine.

And Maverick doesn't make it easier.

He tries to approach Bradley like they're long-lost friends, saying all those things about how he missed him and how Bradley looks so much like his dad. Like he didn't leave him in the foster system when he was a kid and didn't fuck up his application for USNA.

So he pretends he doesn't remember Maverick because that's the easiest given that Maverick is supposed to train him.

On top of that, Jake mixes himself up into Bradley's shit life situation when he overhears Mav trying to get Bradley to 'remember' and 'renew their relationship' and keeps pestering Bradley. Maybe he can tell you more about your childhood, why the hell are you so rude to him, he wouldn't make up knowing you, you know, maybe he's got some of your parents' stuff and can share---

And hearing the love of his life that he let get away because Bradley didn't know how to be part of his family side with the first person that told Bradley he's not enough to be someone's family - well, it's not exactly helping the state of Bradley'e mental being.

So maybe he explodes at Jake, a little bit, in the end. You want to talk to the man who left me behind when I was twelve and the only time he looked back was to tell me he didn't think I was good enough? Then so be fucking it.

Instead of butting into Bradley's life, Jake shuts up and starts avoiding him. Bradley supposes he has what he wanted.

Bradley doesn't care what Maverick thinks or if he changed or if he wants something from Bradley.

He still turns around when he's shot down. It's not like he's got someone to come back to anyway. Not because he cares about Maverick.

"I'm not you," Bradley tells Mav. "I don't leave people behind."

The admittance - that he knows and remembers Mav and wants nothing to do with him, wants to be nothing like him - works. They survive and Bradley doesn't see Maverick again, not when they're in the med bay, not when they're in the hospital in San Diego, not when he gets discharged.

He sees Jake instead, waiting on him at the reception of the unit he had been on, patiently waiting for Bradley to sign his discharge papers without using his broken wrist.

"What, do you have someone else to take your broken ass home?"

In truth, Bradley was just going to take a taxi. Instead, Jake takes the plastic bag with Bradley's clothes and silently leads them to his truck before he asks for Bradley's address.

And in all this mess, the first thing Jake asks him is, "Are you going to stay in San Diego?" because they have the offer to stay there and make their place in Top Gun-adjacent brand new squadron.

"No, I'm going to go back to my base," Bradley tells him. There's nothing for him San Diego, but there's plenty for Jake and he doesn't want to be a barrier.

"I think you should stay in San Diego. With me."

He wishes it was that simple but the truth is, Bradley is still the same.

"I can't be the person you want to have in your life."

"But you already are the person I want in my life."

"I think this is going to end up badly."

"Only if you let it."

Bradley's never really could say no to Jake.

It all seems so easy, when he falls asleep on Jake's shoulder watching Top Gear, but at some point, Bradley knows, they will get to the point when it'll all crush again.

There is also the whole thing with Maverick, their now CO, who appears to be some kind of ashamed now that he finally knows that Bradley remembers what he did - or rather what he didn't do. He avoids Bradley like the plague and it seems to be affecting the squad - because they all love Maverick and Bradley is the weirdo who can't have fun or be friendly. He's just waiting on someone to call him out as the party pooper contrasting to their fun CO and deem the problem, as always, just because he can't pretend to be happy to be around him.

Jake hasn't said anything about the Maverick thing explicitly but he gives Bradley those looks whenever Maverick is nearby and sometimes he makes those quips

#dunno how that would resolve #probably ice would intervene at some point #just to clarify mav is feeling extremely guilty #hangster #bradley rooster bradshaw #tgm #i wish my mind could just transfer this idea into like a movie montage #but instead id have to spend hours of writing to bring it to life 😭

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luigixfanxayjay · 1 month ago

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game!luigi headcanons!!!

i keep seeing a lot of people make headcanon dump posts, so i decided to make one of my various luigi headcanons myself! heres to anyone who wants to read this post! i hope none of you mind the tags, and i apologize if i bugged you!

@peaches2217 @pianokantzart @loud-kid2 @jelly-fish-wishes @itsavee4117 @silenzahra @supa-mehyro @supergay-64 @acen402 @totallyking @oh-my-gosh-its-j0sh @dayseedrawz2 @bberetd @megamagimugi

-_-_-_-_-_-

- luigi has autism spectrum disorder, he was diagnosed at a young age along with marios adhd diagnosis. he also has generalized anxiety disorder and sometimes depression, but he has found many great ways to cope throughout the years.

- luigi LOVES cows. any animal he doesnt know the name of would be called "cow". he uses this as a placeholder word, and he doesnt express the fact he doesnt know the animal directly.

- anytime luigi is overly scared, nervous, shy, or excited, he tends to have a stutter. for him, its hard to find many words in this state.

- you may think luigi is just a plumber, but he also has many different hobbies! these include mechanics, arts, sports (especially tennis!), photography, gardening, and even music!

- luigis favorite colors are green and "porpol" (his pronounciation, not mine).

- luigi is bisexual. he has a strong romantic relationship with princess daisy, but fails to admit it to anyone other than his loved ones in fear of judgement. he also has had interest in prince peasley, but unfortunately wasnt able to talk to him about it before they departed.

- luigi hates loud noises, which led to a childhood fear of lightning and explosions. thankfully, his fear of that significantly lessened thanks to his thunderhand.

- luigi posts polterpup content EVERYWHERE on social media. he may be a cat person, but polterpup is a STRONG exception. have i mentioned he loves his pet ghost dog with all of his heart?

- luigi is generally a pretty emotional guy. barely slamming his hand on the wall? crying. getting a game over in a video game? crying. watching a sad moment in a babies show? crying. just arrived at the doctors office for a checkup? crying. these were mostly exaggerations, but the fact that luigi is emotionally in touch when needbe still stands. this, of course, is a positive thing.

- pancakes is luigis favorite comfort food. he simply stims with joy just ready for a bite! he especially loves it with syrup and blueberries! mmmm... now im hungry!

- when luigi succeeds in battle, he breaks into the sickest dance moves. dont ask me why.

- luigi has a strong feeling of fear, almost anytime he feels it. its either "oh, this is scary :(" or "OH MY GOODNESS I AM PISSING MY PANTS IN TERROR I NEED TO DO SOMETHING OR ESCAPE OR ELSE IM GONNA PASS OUT!!!". absolutely NO inbetweens.

-luigis body has a hard time adjusting to temperature or sudden gait changes. goes out in 50° fehrinheit for a millisecond while wearing a baggy jacket, and hes shivering like a wet dog. he loses the cat powerup after using it for not even 5 minutes, and hes tumbling around as if he were incredibly drunk.

- speaking of drunk, luigi almost never drinks alcohol. he always drinks non-alcoholic alternatives unless on VERY special occasions such as his own wedding or a "our lives are saved again thanks to the bros" party.

- luigi prefers to not be the leader in groups. it makes him very anxious anytime he has to take that role, especially if its a larger group of unfamiliar people.

- luigi is so so so ambiverted. he doesnt want to socialize with new people as he prefers sameness and familiarity. but, when hes with people he knows such as mario and friends, he talks more than youd see in an eminem song. craziest part, hes actually great at making new friends.

- luigi enjoys storytelling. like mentioned in the last headcanon, he enjoys telling people he knows about his day or any sort of scenario that popped up in his head.

- luigi has a high iq, as he can use his logic quite well in tight situations. mario and luigi brothership shows that far enough.

- luigis thunderhand can be helpful, but sometimes it can cause more harm than good. hes normally invincible to his own attack and just lightning in general, but when hes under strong enough emotion, it can lead to his invincibility shield dissipating and him getting hurt.

-_-_-_-_-_-

thats all i have for now! someday soon i may work on headcanon posts for other mario characters and perhaps characters from different fandoms! lemme know if you wanna see more!

#headcanon #headcanon post #mario & luigi #luigi #luigi mario #super mario brothers #super mario #mario bros #writing #writers on tumblr

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autistichalfblood · 8 months ago

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🩷🖤Unfathomable🩷🖤

On March 8th 2023 I got a job as a public school English teacher and I couldn't do anything else, I barely even had time to sleep.

On April 29th 2024 I had to quit that job because I was having way too many anxiety and panic attacks and my health (physical and mental) was declining. I am a diagnosed autistic person who just couldn't handle it anymore, I was teaching 16 different classes, working 9 hours every day, the only English Teacher for over 500 students.

I'm now trying to find my balance again, looking for the safety of my special interests, one of them being Wenclair, hence why I'm back writing my fanfic Unfathomable.

I am rereading what I have already written and doing some small updates (mostly sentence structure and stuff like that) and after I finish up with what is already posted, I will go back to writing that!

It might not be updated in consistent, quick manner when I go back at it, because I need to avoid too much pressure and stress but I'm so fond of this pairing, they keep me company when I'm lonely because I have no friends and no one to talk to, and they actually teach me some things and help me understand others.

I would love to ask any tumblr mates, wednesday/wenclair fans or otherwise, to check my fic out and let me know how I can improve my writing (you can comment there on my fic), I honestly think that interacting with other human beings in a classroom is too much for me and writing has always been my love, so I'm gonna follow that path now.

Fanfic: Unfathomable

Pairing: (Wednesday Addams/Enid Sinclair)

TV SHOW: Wednesday (Netflix)

Link: Click here to be transported to AO3.

---

UPDATE:

Chapters 1 & 2 were already fully checked, edited and updated.

Chapter 3 is OUT NOW!!!!

Stats:

1 kudo away from 2150!

479 hits away from 17,000 (woow!)

20 comments away from 100!

#wednesday #wenclair #wednesday addams #enid sinclair #wlw #lgbt #ao3 #fanfiction #fanfic #actuallyautistic #actually autistic #my post

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electronicnutcycle · 3 months ago

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Double Penetration - Day 3 - tommy lee x Nikki Sixx

Description: Your boyfriend Nikki and his band finally come back from tour . Nikki and Tommy are really horny . That where you come in.

Pairing: Nikki Sixx x TommyLee x reader.

Warnings: Double penetration, a little bit of overstimulation and think that’s all ( but lmk if I missed something).

Being a girlfriend to a rockstar can have both its pros and cons . Some of the pros being having amazing sex with him and his fellow band mate who you also found hot . It was dark out and way past 12 , your boyfriend Nikki and his band had just gotten home from tour and both Nikki and Tommy were full of sexual frustration, Which is where you come in also needy and horny . Your boyfriend Nikki had bragged to Tommy all tour on how good you were in bed and how tight you were , which you didn't mind cause you also thought Tommy was extremely hot. Which leads to right now , on your hands and knees while your mouth and cunt are being abused .

It felt like hours went by as multiple orgasms rippled through your stomach and how many orgasms have leaked into your sopping wet cunt or you have to swallow , you don’t know . Cause by the time another orgasm rippled through you you were barely able to keep yourself up and you were basically a mess with mascara running down your face and a mixture of both the boys cum and saliva running down you chin . “Look at the lil slut , a absolute mess” Nikki spat out while examining your abused and used body “ watcha think Tom , wanna go for another round?” “Whew absolutely, I think can use another round” Tommy said before picking you up like you were nothing and putting you on his lap . As Tommy slowly inched his cock into your already overstimulated and sopping wet hole , for a few seconds Tommy stopped but before you could realize why it was so calm you felt Nikki's cock enter the already preoccupied hole and before you could get the chance the make a sound Nikki already had some of his fingers in your mouth to muffle your screams. After you had gotten used to the two of them in your tight hole you made a noise to let go and as they both started to go in and out . At first slowly to not overwhelm you , but at time went on there was nothing you could do to stop Tommy and Nikki's brutal pace. Whilst they continued to abuse your poor cunt , you started to feel a familiar feeling in your stomach , the familiar feeling of a tight rope in your abdomen. Just as the tight rope snapped , your legs started to shake and as your sight went white , you pass out . When you awoke again you had been cleaned up and had a fresh pair of clothes on while been snuggled up between to two men like you were before.

A/N: Heyy guys! , I hope you enjoy this story . So sorry it came out so late I got diagnosed with pneumonia and spent the last few days/weeks in hospital trying to figure out what it was . Luckily they found out , I’m currently taking meds and starting to feel so much better!. I hope everyone reading has a good kinktober/October.

#kinktober 2024 #kinktober #kinktober prompts #kinktober masterlist #motley crue #motley crue smut #motley crue x reader #tommy lee motley crue #motley crue fanfiction #nikki sixx fanfiction #nikki sixx #tommy lee x reader

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thescarletnargacuga · 5 months ago

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If i may make a suggestion, human AU sickfic, maybe?

A/N: poor hoomans

THE FLU

A HUMAN AU SHOWTIME ONESHOT

WARNING: none

~~~

Pomni coughed into her millionth tissue. She'd been diagnosed with influenza, and nearly bedridden all week. Her throat burned with fury of a California wildfire while she could barely breathe through her runny nose. She ran a fever off and on, causing body wide aches and fatigue. She barely ate anything out of lack of appetite, not helping her energy levels.

Thankfully, she had a TV in her room and her phone so she had all the entertainment in the world at her fingertips. She binged show after show while she struggled to sleep.

Caine insisted she have the master bedroom to herself while sick. He wasn't worried about exposure, but her coughing was keeping him up at night with worry so he slept on the couch in the living room so he could get sleep and go to work. He texted her often about how she was doing, did she need anything while he was out, telling her when he would be home, etc.

Bubble could sense that his human was not okay and would spend the entire day chilling with her in bed. It's the calmest he's ever been. When he wasn't chewing on his toy, he was cuddling with Pomni and getting so many pets. It was the best.

Pomni laid against her high wedge pillow, watching her shows when Caine came in. He was still in his work suit, carrying some tea and a large shopping bag. "Hello, my dear. Did you get much rest today?"

"Meh...kind of." Pomni grumbled, her voice was rough from all the coughing. "Bubble and I have been binging Bridgerton. Have you seen it? It's pretty good."

"Heard of it, but haven't seen it myself." Caine set the hot cup of tea on the nightstand next to Pomni, shuffling a few pill bottles and cough drops out of the way. "Made you some chamomile tea. I added that vitamin C powder we got from the pharmacy, help your immune system a bit."

"Thank you." Pomni smiled through the fatigue. "What's in the bag?"

"I bought you a few things." He pulled out a big box of tissues. "You've been going through these by the box, so I got the biggest one they sold."

Pomni almost laughed. "Only one?"

"Nope. There are sixteen more in the hallway closet."

"I stand corrected."

"I also got," Caine pulled out another big box. "This jumbo pack of snack cakes. Apple cinnamon, your favorite."

"Aw, Caine, thank-"

"BUT WAIT! There's more! I got this really nice smelling massage oil. I can rub out those sore spots for you, if you'll let me." He winked.

Pomni laughed, coughing a little. "Only if you promise to just give me a back rub. I don't have the energy for hanky panky."

"Promise, love. Oh!" He set the bottle of oil in Pomni's lap with the snack box. "I also found this mini gator plush! Look at 'im!" He put a hand sized sitting gator plush in Pomni's lap.

She cooed over the little gator. "Oh my god, he's so cute!"

"Smell him! He's scented! Pineapple and Lime, I believe." Caine double checked the tag.

"Caine... I don't have a sense of smell right now."

"Oh yeah, well you can smell them later, because I have something else for you!"

"How many things do you have in that magician's bag of yours??" She was smiling more than she had all week. He was being silly for her sake and she loved him for it.

"Just one more thing." Caine searched the bag but I was empty. "Huh...that's strange. Where did I put it?" He felt his various suit pockets.

"What did you lose?"

"Oh wait, silly me. It wouldn't fit in the bag."

Pomni's eyes widened. "Caine...what did you buy?"

"It doesn't have a price tag." He gave Pomni a cheeky smile and kissed her forehead. "It's all my love for you."

"You're such a dork. I love you." She hugged him.

"I love you more. More and more each day." He kissed the top of her head. "I'm gonna need you to get better soon. I miss kissing those lips of yours."

"I'm working on it. Flu season is rough this year. Wanna watch Bridgerton with me?"

"Absolutely." Caine started changing into more casual clothes.

Pomni caught Bubble trying to sneak a bite at her new Gummy Gator plush. She snatched it away. "No! Destroy your own toys. This one's mine."

Bubble whined and begged for the plush, despite the fact that his own toy was literally right next to him. Pomni distracted him with belly rubs and he forgot all about the new plush.

After Caine was changed and grabbed his own drink, he joined Pomni on the bed and settled to watch TV. He held her close with an arm over her shoulders. She leaned on him but had to blow her nose often to not drip nose goo on him.

Despite Pomni being sick, being with her and relaxing after a long day was the best thing in the world to Caine.

#the amazing digital circus #tadc #tadc fanfiction #tadc caine #tadc pomni #tadc showtime #caine x pomni #pomni x caine #human pomni #human caine #human au

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vercopaanir · 15 days ago

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Hew-wee.

Honestly, I barely remember how to work Tumblr. I fear my posts will look like GARBAGE, but we'll see if I can get back into it.

I don't want to bore anyone with mindless chatter. Life has been landing haymakers for the past...two years? What is TIME. New job, a surgery, lost 95 pounds, a parent was diagnosed with cancer, same parent finished treatment, a wind storm tore our house up in August and we just got it renovated last week, endless cycles of clinical depressive episodes - honestly this year has been kind of a blur. But the whole time, I'm still hanging on to TLM. 🥹✊🏻

I don't want to make promises or give anyone some kind of timeline. I've broken so many of those to y'all and to myself. That being said, with the announcement of the movie, I'm feeling a renewed encouragement to keep going, and to make time for writing more routinely. With my dear loved one's help, we've been doing writing sprints (specific Mando related), and it has helped like you wouldn't believe!

For everyone who's sent me messages, comments, and even just positive vibes - thank you so, so much. I may not respond, but believe me when I say that I do read them all. I cherish every single one.

I hope you all have been able to find joy and comfort this holiday season, alone or with friends or family. I appreciate this space as a place of kindness and of happiness, and that's all because of how lovely you are. Thank you, always. 🩷

#the mandalorian #the mandalorian fanfiction #time to marathon the show tbh

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 year ago

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WIBTA for holding money my parents owe me over their heads?

I (21) live with my mom (53F), stepdad (52M), and two siblings (15M), (23M). Recently they’ve been pushing me to get a job despite previous conversations we’ve had, and I want to tell them that they can push me to get a job after they pay me back all the money they owe me, but I think I might be the asshole if I do.

For background context, I have had severe chronic health issues since 2014 and mental health issues since a really young age. They are diagnosed but I don’t want to get into it rn. The heart issues, chronic pain, and fatigue makes it really difficult for me to even take care of myself and I almost never leave the house.

I applied for SSI in 2021 and was denied for the first time and appeal before it was sent to hearing stage and an ALJ, and just last week I received the letter stating that I had been denied again.

When the letter came saying that I was denied I was very upset, mostly very angry. I showed the letter to my mom and I asked for her opinion, and she said that she thought “there isn’t enough here” that “you should just give it up” and “I heard [local grocery store] is letting cashiers sit on stools now.”

Just the next day I mentioned to my parents that I had been looking at some jobs and found one specifically that I felt I might be able to do a few 4hr shifts of a week. They were enthusiastic until I mentioned the “a few 4hr shifts” part, where they then pressed me to do 8hr shifts saying “you’re not even going to try?” even as I told them that I can barely stay awake more than a few hours at a time. I tried to explain to them that even if I could keep the job indefinitely (unlikely) doing too many or too long shifts would burn me out quickly and make it harder to get another job if I got fired from that one (likely) and they just got angry and were mocking me.

Here’s where the WIBTA comes into play. I don’t want to burn myself out when we can still appeal the decision, and I’m not even the only one in this household who doesn’t work. I get tips every so often for my writing/art and donations, and every cent always ends up going to them for food and gas and bills, even if I’m trying to save. After a few years they owe me somewhere upwards of $1000, I stopped keeping track after it hit that. I never ask for my money back and never hold it over their heads, but now I want to.

I was going to try to keep a job while I wait for this appeal because I really do want to help, but now I feel like whatever I do is never going to be enough and they’re always going to be pushing for more.

Would it be a dick move to tell my parents that they can push me to get a job when they pay me back what they owe me?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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bullet-prooflove · 5 months ago

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Goodbye Sam: Sam Abrams x Reader

Tagging: @kmc1989 @caffeinatedwoman @maryelizabeth13 @toasted-stiletto @district447

Companion piece to:

Divorce!Series:

Part One: The Fight Before Christmas - You and Sam get into a fight after he discovers you've been keeping a secret from him.

Part Two: Should Have - There's a lot of things Sam should have done.

Part Three: Fraught - Sam makes a decision regarding your relationship.

Part Four: Sign Here - Sam serves you with divorce papers.

Part Five: Don't Look Back - After running into you at the hospital Sam tries to convince himself not to look back.

Part Six: Lost - You and Sam reaquaint the day the divorce comes through.

Part Seven: Martial Affairs - There's debate regarding yours and Sam's status.

Part Eight: The Fall - Sam and you end up back where you started before the divorce.

Part Nine: Couples Counselling - Sam and you start to date again after couple's counselling.

Part Ten: Mrs. Fuckin' Polite - Sam walks into a nightmare when he comes home one night.

It’s Sam’s last night in Chicago and you’ve both tried to make it as perfect as possible. Dinner at Orphino’s, a moonlit walk through the park with gelato from ‘The Little Italian Place’ just like on the night the two of you met. It seems fitting that it circles back like this. It’s how your marriage started, now it’s how it ends.

You find yourself back at the house you once shared, Sam undressing you in the illumination of the candlelight, Etta James serenading you in the background. He takes his time loving you, his lips exploring every single inch of bare skin before you climax on his tongue. He’ll never get tired of that taste, he’s going to miss it when he’s gone. You’re flushed and overwrought by the time he enters you, your fingers entwining as his mouth covers yours, drinking down your pleasure.

The two of you move together in the flickering light, the ecstasy building into a crescendo as you tighten underneath him.

“I love you.” He whispers at the height of it all because he knows he won’t get to say it again. He stays for as long as he can in the aftermath, his thumb ghosting over your cheek as he lays tangled up in you.

“I’m going to miss this.” He whispers against your lips “I’m going to miss you.”

You fall asleep wrapped up in one another until his phone chimes a couple of hours later rousing you, reminding him of his flight. He dresses in the glow from the burnt down candles as you drape your robe over your naked form. Your fingers interlink with his as you walk him to the door, his suitcase already perched alongside of it, waiting.

“So this is goodbye.” You say quietly as he lingers and Sam swallows hard against the well of emotion in his chest.

“Yea.” He whispers, his forehead coming to rest upon yours. “Elle I…”

There are so many things he wants to say but all of them are redundant because in the end it all comes down to this.

He has to go and you have to stay.

After Lucy’s rapist Marcus Croyton had been released back into the wild, the fear of running into him, of it happening again became too much. She suffered a break down and was now recovering in a facility in New York, where she could be close to her mother. Sam had dropped everything immediately, taking a sabbatical to support her before he’d made the decision to relocate, taking a position in Mount Sinai Hospital.

“I know I can’t ask you to come with me.” He’d told you, his hand clasping your hand tightly in his over dinner one evening. “You need to be here for your patients, for your mother…”

She’d been diagnosed with Parkinson’s a few months before, she was rapidly declining and you needed to be here to help her manage the condition.

“And you need to be with your daughter.” You’d finished, squeezing his hand in solidarity. “It’s ok Sam, I understand.”

You do and that’s one of the reasons that Sam loves you, because you support him with the hard choices, even when they break both of your hearts.

“Goodbye Elle.” He whispers as he kisses you one last time.

“Goodbye Sam.” You say as you open the door and watch the man you love walk away for good.

Love Sam? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

#sam abrams #sam abrams x reader #one chicago #chicago med

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covid-safer-hotties · 3 months ago

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Also preserved on our archive

by Louis Corbett

Hundreds of thousands of people have been affected by long covid but it's still widely misunderstood

Covid may seem like a thing of the past for many of us, a nightmare we left behind at the start of the decade, but for some, it never ended. Long covid affects hundreds of thousands of people in the UK, including many who only had a mild case of the virus.

Officially the illness affects about two million people in the UK but some, including researcher Mark Faghy, argue that figure isn't accurate and that the real scale of the problem has been “swept under the rug”. Sarah Barley-McMullen, 54, originally from Derbyshire has been living with the illness since 2021.

After having mild symptoms when she was first diagnosed, she thought she could carry on living like normal. Then she lost her voice and started suffering from hearing loss, chronic fatigue and the inability to cry.

Sarah has had to start using a walker to get around and wears a mask in public to ensure she doesn't catch covid again. Her particular case continues to evolve, with more symptoms that are changing her life year on year.

It all means that Sarah is unable to work at her high-level academic job at the University of Derby. She said: “I was never hospitalised, so I stayed at home because I wasn’t that Ill, but then I never got better. My hearing got worse, I started to lose my voice and I made an appointment with the GP and they said to keep an eye on it.

“It started to severely affect my mental health, I am such an extroverted person and I loved my job but I just couldn't do it. Then after months I got back in touch with the GP and they realised I sounded Ill so they took me in and found I had a partially collapsed lung.

“I was a senior academic and the University of Derby was great, but I found that I had chronic fatigue. For example, I would have a meeting with someone one day and then be completely wiped out the next. It has completely flipped my life upside down.”

Since then Sarah has taken medical retirement and been included in a national study of the condition, working with academics to research and understand it. Sarah has urged the general public to keep testing because covid may still impact vulnerable people.

Professor Mark Faghy, a clinical exercise science expert at the University of Derby, has been working closely with Sarah and a number of other patients. He said: “It's such a broad condition, with over 200 different symptoms so it’s really hard to pinpoint and sum up.

“Unfortunately it’s an inconvenience to people, when you look at the numbers people don’t put that into context, two million people in the UK have this condition, but if you put it into everyday context it is one in thirty. You could fill every single football stadium in the UK with people suffering from long covid. That is the reality but people don’t want to talk about it.

Sarah continued: “I got Covid again in January and it left me with an auto-immune disease, all my joints are painful and I can barely move. People don’t understand that it's a vascular disease, you have mild symptoms like a bad cold or flu but if you have a weakened immune system then it will affect different organs.

"Long covid happens when you ignore covid and don’t rest, you don’t allow your body to catch up and then you develop these conditions. The pandemic is far from over. ”

#mask up #covid #pandemic #covid 19 #public health #wear a mask #coronavirus #sars cov 2 #still coviding #wear a respirator #long covid #covid conscious #covid is airborne

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madamspellmans-met-tet · 10 days ago

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Watching the fireworks and all I can think about is:

“But upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky” — LDR, Ride Monologue

A year ago, I was still in medschool. Already ill, but still studying 12 hours a day for my board exam while I was at my fiancée’s. It was the first NYE in years that I didn’t feel alone. I was with the woman I loved and her beautiful children and lovely family. It was the happiest winter I’ve had in a long, long time, despite all that was going on.

I wanted to be a doctor. A better one than those that had taken a year to diagnose what I already knew I had only to then tell me “there’s nothing more we can do for you.”

Now I stand before the debris of everything that I was. I barely recognise myself. I barely believe that I still exist.

A couple of years ago, I had started medschool, and I was doing well there, I was passionate and it was where I belonged. Spent days in the biochem lab or the dissecting hall and came home late to write my silly fanfiction. I’d even sometimes write them at medschool between lectures or on the train. I did my art, played instruments, sang, edited, filmed silly thirst traps and so on. Then I met my girlfriend and I was happy. It was the peak of my life, I’d thought.

And then, thanks to the negligence of my former doctor and genetics, the illnesses that I’d unknowingly had all my life, got so much worse and ultimately left me bedridden and with barely any quality of life. I had to quit medschool/request a break due to illness, which was approved.

I can’t stand for more than 5 minutes without threatening to pass out. Can’t sit for more than an hour and stay focused, lose my train of thought when I stand up. Need an hour in the morning before I can halfway safely get up, three before I can function. I need help washing my hair, doing chores and cooking and can’t really leave my house. My joints subluxate multiple times a day and I get awful nerve pain when in a flare. I can’t take a bath or shower without ending up on the floor as soon as I get out with a pulse of 150 bpm. It all makes me feel incredibly unattractive. I’m pale, my skin is dry and flaky, my eyes have dark circles, my lips are chapped, and I’m using a can.

I feel ugly.

My writing has slowed down dramatically but it’s the only thing I can still do somewhat decently and I’m being evaluated for disability. My brain, that has been the only thing I could rely on all my life, is forsaking me. It’s demanding to be fed like it used to when it was still a sponge, but when I feed it, it gets too much. And so I’m perpetually bored and overwhelmed at the same time.

I wanted to be a doctor and a writer.

And even though I’m still aiming to try publishing, I’m not sure I have enough energy to do it. I was supposed to get married in 2025. Now I have to attend my best friend’s wedding on my own. And I know it’s my fault, because I got bitter and most of all, because I lost hope. And at the same time, it’s not my fault.

The truth is, I don’t know how many more years I can live on 10% of what I used to be and I don’t want anyone to have to go through this with me. I’m not going to do anything stupid anytime soon. But I can’t do this forever if there is no treatment or hope for improvement on the horizon.

And as always when my life goes to shit, I got attached to another actress more than twice my age. And Patti is keeping me afloat right now. She’s so full of life that I can’t help but feel a little alive as well.

“But upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky” — LDR, Ride Monologue

Happy New Year.

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bluegekk0 · 7 months ago

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I've been in such an emotional slump lately. I fear that I upset my friends without realizing and now every interaction I feel like they're mad at me. It's like every time we chat I get the impression that they're annoyed with me, I keep thinking they're being sarcastic and trying to tell me to shut up in subtle ways, but I'm scared of asking cause what if I'm overreacting like I usually do? I just hate it so much. I feel like I'm such an exhausting person to be around and a little voice in the back of my mind keeps telling me it would be better for everyone if I distanced myself.

And I'm also fighting really hard against the idea that people in general are getting bored of me. I know engagement is not everything, I know that drawing for myself should be a priority. It makes me happy, and I draw what I love BECAUSE I love it. But it's so hard for me to not hope for validation and feedback when I've been compared to others all childhood. And it stings so much when a drawing I'm super happy with maybe doesn't perform as well as I hoped (at least compares to the number of people who follow me). I don't know if it's not reaching people here or if it's just getting too repetitive for people to care anymore. Or perhaps people see my self-reblogs as desperate and get discourages from interacting for that reason? Maybe they're right for that.

I've also been looking into and educating myself on the experiences of autistic individuals since I suspect I'm on the spectrum, and I do relate to many of them, plus every test I take indicates that I might be autistic. So in theory, self diagnosing would help, right? I could stop worrying that I'm broken somehow or a failure of an adult, and just accept that my brain simply works differently and maybe even be more kind to myself. That sounds good. But then the doubts keep creeping in. I don't remember if I showed any signs in my childhood, I barely remember anything from it. So what if I'm wrong, what if there were none, and I'm just overanalyzing symptoms or even faking them? How can I consider myself part of the community if there is a chance I shouldn't be there at all? What if I'm just lazy, what if I'm an introverted, anxious loser who put themselves in this situation by being incompetent at everything, now trying to find excuses?

I don't know. There's so many exhausting thoughts that have been dragging my mood down for the past few days. And I guess I'm just waiting for it to pass since I'm so scared of actually going out there and getting help.

Well, there goes another oversharing session. I usually feel bad talking about this with my friends cause I don't want to put them under the obligation to respond. And with how terrible I am at responding to their struggles (not that I don't care, I'm just so, so bad at responding to emotions and putting my thoughts into words that don't make me sound robotic) it often feels too one sided. So I guess this is a way for me to scream into the void and give people a choice if they want to ignore it or respond. I could just write it down in a diary or something, but part of me is hoping that maybe this experience resonates with someone and I'd feel less alone. Or maybe I'm simply just desperate for advice or validation that would feed my ego.

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invece-sto-sdraiato · 9 months ago

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My experience of watching House MD with my mom (a government certified dermatologist):

It was surprisingly such a bonding experience for us, now that I think about it. It was kind of our thing. I would ask her many questions about the technical stuff (biology lover here) and she would explain all of it to me. There were so many days when we would just discuss whatever happened in an episode, for hours. She didn’t mind any of the malpractice stuff (compared to what happens in Indian hospitals sometimes, house barely scratches the surface)

And I used to get so….idk exasperated at house’s cynicism towards others, while she didn’t give a thought about it. This is a woman who is currently in an administrative position (Associate Professor, to be exact) and she’s told me about the absolute shit some of her colleagues/subordinates have given her. I mean, she’s seen it all. She’s probably met people like house.

Coming back to the technics, she used to talk admiringly about how (mostly) accurate the med stuff was, and how there’s a lot of research gone into the writing of the show. And house’s discussion with the others using a whiteboard. I think that was what really made her like this show. I’ll elaborate.

This happened today:

Mom: “Last week, I was asking my students about the different dermatological diagnoses they’ve encountered in recent cases. And then, I asked them if any of them had ever watched House.” (She occasionally teaches post-graduate med students)

Me: “Really? Uh…. you asked them if they’ve watched House…of all the possible medical dramas?”

Mom: *eye roll* “Anyways, some of them said yes. And then I explained, how their method of determining the differential diagnosis is quite useful. Listing it all on a whiteboard, you know, it helps to clearly see where you stand and how to further proceed from there. And House gives the others freedom to express their opinions and doubts.”

Dad, suddenly: “He’ll list all possible diagnoses, and there’s times even when he has to strike out all of them. But none of them show any frustration and they keep brainstorming until they find the correct one. That can be so useful in daily life, you know?”

Me: “huh, I suppose you’re right.”

Dad: “They’re using something known as the ‘first principle thinking’ in psychology. It means that you refrain from making assumptions, and you go right to the basics, to find a solution.”

So. Idk what to say now. Maybe just that I have a lot of good memories pertaining to House. But obviously, being the teenager that I am, I was very interested in the hilson side of things (even if those two are seriously fucked up) but I also loved watching House for the technical stuff and used to get pretty excited if I even knew a bit about whatever illness was in an episode (a nerd’s a nerd 😅) sorry for the long post.

#well this was unexpected #I didn’t think it would get this long #I can’t help it can I #house md #just addie things #hate crimes md

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ashcal99 · 2 years ago

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Collarbones : Jasper Whitlock Hale III

Chapter Three

"I can see your collarbones and baby I'm scared, Never thought I'd be so unprepared"

Summary: Camila Johnson was only 16 when she was diagnosed with leukemia. By the time she had turned 17, the doctors had tried everything to save her. Her family is close to giving up hope when they hear of a doctor who may be able to help her. The only problem is, he lives on the opposite side of the country. The small family soon decides to move to the small town in Washington, in efforts to prolong her life. In doing so, her life changes forever.

Warnings: Eventual smut (18+ only), mentions of death, depression, descriptions of disease and weight loss, general angst, slow burn

Words: 4.1k

A/N: Please lmk if you'd like to be added to the tag list. Hope you enjoy x

Soundtrack

Previous Chapter

Series Masterlist

——————

January 29th, 2005

Jasper had been extremely punctual of course. He had paced back and forth so many times that night he had practically worn lines into the floor. It was times like these that he really did miss sleeping. The promise of seeing Camila once the sun arose had the night dragging on much slower than he would’ve even thought possible. He wasn’t exactly sure what they would be doing, but he knew it would be with her and that was all that mattered really. So, there he was standing on her doorstep, knocking his fist lightly on the front door of her home, not one second after the agreed time of 11am.

He of course knew before the door swung open, that it would be her that would answer his knock, having smelt the abnormal scent of her blood, but that didn’t stop the fluttering in his stomach as she came into view. Like usual, it was as if his breath had been stollen from his lungs as he drunk in the sight of her. As if he needed that air to live. Her eyes flickered up from the toes of her warn out boots to meet his. She sent him a small, bashful smile. “You’re very punctual.” She teased.

Jasper’s golden eyes seemed to glimmer as a smile broke out across his face. “Didn’t want to keep you waiting, darlin’.” He said. The word as usual, sent Camila’s pulse quickening and she scolded her heart. He had called her that countless times, yet the word never failed to get a reaction out of her. She really needed to get a grip on herself, and she hoped that he was unaware of the effect that he had on her.

She shook the thoughts from her head, gesturing him inside of the small house. “Sorry, my mom wanted to meet you before I leave. She’s a little protective if you could imagine.” She said, letting out a light laugh.

Jasper sucked in a breath. “Yeah, of course.” He said, smiling politely to the girl in front of him as he stepped through the threshold. Slight panic filled his chest as his eyes scanned the small living room directly in front of the entrance to the home. The room was mostly bare, save for a plush worn looking sofa, two arm chairs, and few boxes in the corner that had yet to be unpacked.

He wished Alice would have warned him of the girl’s mother. He hadn’t exactly been prepared to be in close proximity and direct conversation with a human today. Of course, he was spending the day with Camila, but the only thing that made that possible was the lack of hunger that followed the scent of her strange blood, and he knew, of course that the same would not hold true for the girl’s mother.

Floorboards whined under his feet as he stepped into the tight space. He tried to focus on the steady beating of Camila’s heart for comfort, but that didn’t stop the rigidness of his shoulders as the fire in his throat lit ablaze with furry. There, on the sofa in front of him, sat a middle aged woman, an almost perfect reflection of her daughter. He steeled himself, swallowing the burn and mustering up his best manners. “Hello, Ma’am. I’m Jasper Hale. I’m here to pick up your daughter for the day.” He said, flashing a bright smile at the woman.

She came to a stand, looking at him, seeming to almost size him up. Of course she would be protective of her only daughter. It was only natural for her to want to make sure that she would be in safe hands, especially given her sickness. It was expected, and really if he had been thinking straight, he would have realized that he would be meeting at least one of her parents and prepared himself.

Seeing his kind smile and hearing his polite greeting seemed to ease a bit of her stress as the tension in her shoulders loosened slightly. She returned his smile walking closer to him as she stuck her hand out for him to shake. “I’m Camila’s mother, Michelle. It’s a pleasure to meat you.” She said.

Jasper’s eyes flickered over to Camila quickly, and back to her mother. May as well lay it on thick, he figured. He stuck out his hand in front of him, gently taking the woman’s warm palm into his own. He knew he could blame the cold weather on his chilled skin if questioned, so he leaned fully into his southern charm as he delicately shook the woman’s hand, lingering longer than he would normally dare. “The pleasure is all mine, ma’am.” He said.

Michelle stood there, slightly stunned for a moment. Exactly the reaction that he had been chasing. “So, where is it that you will be taking my daughter today?” She asked kindly as she dropped his cold stone-like hand.

Letting his body relax at the loss of the woman’s touch, he looked back towards Camila. “I’m leaving that part up to her, but I figured we could go get something for lunch first.” He said, trying, despite the flames lapping at his throat to seem relaxed, and to the best of his ability, normal.

Michelle sucked in a shaky breath. “I just worry. Please make sure she doesn’t push herself too much. She has a tendency overwork her body at times.” She said, concern creating deep lines between her eyebrows.

Camila cringed at her mother’s words. She knew she would be concerned about her going out, but she had wished she would refrain from talking about her as if she wasn’t in the room. Of course she was fragile, that much was apparent, but she sometimes hated how her parents treated her as if she would whither away at any moment. “Mom-“ She started, attempting to keep the woman from embarrassing her even further.

Holding up her hand to stop her daughter, Michelle interrupted. “No, Camila, I’m serious.” She scolded.

Jasper could feel the worry immolating from her and decided now would be a good time to take advantage of his supernatural gifts. “Of course, and I will make sure to have my phone with me as well so I can call you and my father in case of any emergency.” He said, sending her a reassuring smile as he pushed the feeling of comfort and calm towards her. The least he could do was try and ease the anxiety of the situation for her.

She let out a deep sight, letting the weight of her worry leave her shoulders. Camila had explained the situation on her ride home from school the day previous, the only reason her and her husband agreeing, being that Jasper would have a direct line to their daughter’s doctor. As much as the whole thing concerned her, she knew that it was only fair to let her daughter enjoy her time with the boy. Especially considering that Camila was adamant on letting her parents know that they were ‘only friends’ and ‘just wanted to get to know each other more’.

“Okay… Enjoy your time out, honey. Be home by ten.” She said, after a long pause, giving her daughter a light smile and ushering the two teens towards the front door.

Camila smiled thankfully at her mother, grateful that she didn’t push it any further, and planted a small kiss to the woman’s cheek. “Love you.” She muttered, turning and grabbing Jasper's hand to pull him out the front door before her mother changed her mind.

An electric shock raced up Jasper’s spine as he moved towards the pull on his arm, dazed by the girl’s touch. It was then that he had realized that this was the first skin to skin contact that he had ever shared with her. Her palm was a blazing ember against his own icy touch and he took note that this must be because of her constant feverish state. The warmth was comforting to his freezing skin, and he hoped that his cold touch may be just as comforting to her.

Camila tried to hide her shock as she processed the temperature of his skin. Just like Alice, he too had the same ice-like touch. Odd enough, without even considering that the two weren’t actually related to each other. She shook the new confusing information from her mind, deciding that she would have to add it to the long, ever-growing list of the things that were off about Jasper and his family.

Once the two were outside, standing next to the contrasting expensive looking car in her driveway, she reluctantly dropped his hand. “Sorry.” She said, blushing lightly. “Wanted to get out of there before she decided to make me stay home.” She admitted.

Reaching his hand forward to open the passenger door for her, he smiled bashfully to the girl. “No worries.” He reassured, trying to draw in his control. The sudden contact with her skin had seemed to flip a switch inside of his brain, almost like rebooting his mind, and it wasn’t quite back up to running at full speed yet.

He shut the door behind her as she moved into the vehicle, being extra careful to make sure that all of her body was inside before latching it shut. Making his way quickly to the drivers side, or quickly for a human anyway, he turned the key in the ignition, listening as the engine roared quietly to life. “Where to, for food?” He asked once he had clicked his seatbelt into place on his side and made sure that she had done the same.

“Same cafe as the other day?” She offered, considering that she didn’t really know anywhere else in the small town yet and she had actually enjoyed the food that they had served.

Jasper tried to hide his grimace as he forced a smile onto his lips, pulling out of the driveway and heading in the direction of the cafe. Given that they had just been there a few days prior, he knew he would have to, unfortunately, actually order food this time due to the risk of anybody but Camila noticing that he had a particular issue with consuming human food. He only hoped he could successfully hide the fact that he wouldn’t end up eating any of the food, and he tried, quickly, to come up with some kind of idea that would help him seem inconspicuous.

“Any music preferences?” He asked, reaching forward to turn on the radio as the soft notes of a piano filled the car. One of Edward’s cd’s he had left in the player.

Eye’s flickering over to his face, the corners of Camila’s mouth turned up. “What do you have?” She asked.

His long arm reached over her lap, unlatching the glovebox to reveal, a large book, that was no doubt filled with different options. “Take a look.” He offered.

He had to admit, he didn’t really listen to too much music himself. When he had been human, having been a part of a not-so-wealthly family, he hadn’t really had much exposure to music, besides the occasional tune he would hear while out in town with his parents. Even that music, he didn’t listen to often now, given that it was over a century old at this point. If he was being honest, the only exposure to music that he had anymore was mostly due to Edward and his constant pursuit to occupy the ongoing boredom of this life that they had been given.

Flicking through the pages and pages of cd’s, Camila tried to get a grasp on the many genres that the book held. They ranged vastly from classics like The Beatles, real classics like Mozart, and even artists as modern as Linkin Park and all it did was confuse her more if she was being honest. “I thought there’d be more country in here given your southern drawl.” She teased, eyes flitting up to catch his reaction to her words.

A genuine laugh left his lips and rang like a bell throughout the car. “Yeah, I uh… I guess I didn’t really grow up with a whole lot of music around. Those are Edward’s. Sorry to disappoint, darlin’.” He said pointedly, smirking.

Camila giggled lightly, heart fluttering at the sight of his bright smile. She plucked a disk from a sleeve of the book, finally settling on one of the many Queen albums. She ejected the current disk, placing the new cd into the the slot above the clock on the dashboard.

The beginning notes thrummed throughout the car as the wound down the road. “80’s huh?” He asked, raising his eyebrow.

“It’s a classic.” She reasoned, as she bobbed her head slightly to the rhythm of the music.

That definitely didn’t help him not feel absolutely ancient as he sat there next to her, all one-hundred-sixty years of him. He had to pull himself away from the thoughts that began filing through his mind, suddenly feeling like a total creep. He hoped, whenever she ended up finding out the truth about him, that he wouldn’t scare her away. The fact was, he was well over a hundred years older than her and he tried not to let that fact get to him too much.

In truth, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the 258 years difference between Carlisle and Esme, but that did little to ease his discomfort with the inevitable conversation he would end up having about his real age. Refusing to let himself spiral any longer he spoke up. “80’s was the best decade for music in my opinion.”

Camila hummed in agreement, closing her eyes as she let herself fully feel the melody around her.

——————

The cafe was a bit more packed than it had been previously that week, given that it was now lunchtime as well as Saturday. Luckily, the corner booth was still unoccupied when they arrived, so that, if anything, would help to keep Jasper as far away as possible from the many humans occupying the room as well as provide enough privacy to not have to sensor their conversation too much.

Unfortunately, however, the waitress that had served them before was the same for today, and immediately, he knew that there would be no way out of ordering food for himself this time. Reluctantly, he scanned the menu for something that would be easy enough to choke back up later on, and settled on a burger, figuring that it would look the most normal for a teenage guy to eat.

The woman left their table, promising that the food would be out soon. Camila turned to Jasper, an eyebrow raised at his obvious discomfort. “You ordered food this time.” She pointed out.

“Uh- yeah.” He stuttered out, trying to push the right words to the forefront of his mind. “Don’t wanna stick out too much, I guess.” He said, eyes flickering around the crowded restaurant.

Camila nodded slowly. “So you really don’t eat then?” She asked curiously, deciding now would be as good a time as any to get her questions out in the air.

Jasper gulped. “No, not food like you eat.” He muttered lowly.

Her eyebrows threaded together in confusion. “Okay, I’m lost.” She admitted.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized. “I can’t exactly tell you myself, and to be fair, I don’t think you would believe me even if I could.” He said, a reluctant grin adorning his features.

Camila huffed, slouching slightly in her seat. “So, let me get this straight. You’ve been dropping these very strange and almost ominous hints at me in hopes that I’ll figure this all out on my own?” She said. He nodded, happy that she had the bluntness to call him out. “Okay, why me?” She asked. “What makes you have so much trust in me? We don’t really know each other very well.” She pointed out.

“If we’re being honest, out of everyone in this town besides my family, you know me the best. From what I know, it’s the same way vice versa.” He said, his golden eyes peering deep into her green ones.

She nodded slowly, processing his words. “Fair enough.” She muttered. “Okay. How about I just throw random ideas and you can confirm or deny them?” She suggested.

Jasper thought for a moment. “That… sounds… doable.” He said, agreeing to the idea.

Camila sat up straighter in her seat, feeling slightly exhilarated by the prospect. “Okay. So you don’t eat. Any food at all?” Jasper shook his head. “You’re really cold.” She pointed out. He nodded his head this time.

“You’re good at reading emotions.” nod yes

“You have like, super human hearing.” nod yes

“You and your whole family are like ridiculously attractive. Inhumanly so.” She said, letting herself get away with her rambling so much she hadn’t even noticed when the words fell from her lips. Her eyes widened in realization, as a bright red blush crept up her cheeks.

A smirk grew on Jaspers lips as her words fully sank in. “So, you think I’m ridiculously attractive?” He teased.

Her hands flew up to her face, trying to cover the growing blush on her cheeks. “Shut up.” She mumbled embarrassed.

Jasper’s smirk grew larger. “My sincerest apologies, darlin’.” He said, earning a groan from the girl.

Jasper’s head suddenly snapped away from her, towards the waitress making her way to their table, two plates of food in her hands. After making sure that the two were all set and didn’t need anything else, she finally left the two by themselves once more.

He starred down at his plate, grimace clear as day on his face. Camila’s eyes flicked back and forth from the food to his face. “I can eat it. If you want… Not all of it, but enough to make it look like you tried to eat it yourself.” She offered.

He smiled over to her. “Umm- yeah.” He nodded lightly. “That would be great.” He admitted.

——————

Camila had tried to rush through finishing her food, knowing that she would most likely get more answers once they were in their own privacy once more. Unfortunately, as much as she tried, her stomach could only handle so much, so it ended up taking close to forty-five minutes before she was able to get a substantial amount of food down.

So, there they sat, car parked on the side of an abandoned road. Finally alone once more. Jasper knew that the location may not be the best option for the inevitable discovery looming overhead, wanting her to feel safe and not like he took her out to the middle of the woods to kill her, but ultimately, knew that it would give them the privacy needed if she ended up freaked out.

They had continued their back and forth questioning and answering after they had left and here they were, still going on more than three hours later. Granted most of that was because they had kept pausing to joke and go off on side conversations. He couldn’t really help it to be fair. He was nervous and almost instinctually tried to change the subject at every corner. In truth, he was terrified of her having a bad reaction. A natural reaction.

Despite the happiness filling her chest, Camila was beginning to grow more and more irritated with herself. This day had flipped everything on its head and her composure had long past flown out the window. It had been over a year since she had sworn off any future of dating again, and she told herself, over and over again, that she needed to stop, but she couldn’t help the butterflies filling her stomach every time he looked her way.

There was something about him. Something almost supernatural that made her feel at home in his presence. She found herself wanting that impossible future with him, and all it did was hurt. She had spent the past year coming to terms with her inevitable death, being contempt in the fact that her life would be cut short. Already saying goodbye in her mind to her friends and family and there, suddenly he was. Fucking that all up. Throwing a wrench in her plan. Her heart desperately wanted to fight that impossible fight just to spend more time with him, while her mind knew that the end was near and inevitable. So for now, she would ignore that inevitable future and allow herself to feel.

——————

“A family addicted to plastic surgery.” Camila suggested. Jasper busted out laughing loudly. shake no

“Damn. I really thought that was the one.” She joked, laughing along with him. “Okay, okay.Are any of you actually related?” shake no

“Bitten by radioactive spiders?” Bursts of laughter filled the car once more at her words. “Gamma radiation?” She added.

Jasper shook his head. “No.” He said, still shaking with laughter.

Camila groaned. “I’m not getting anywhere with these questions.” She complained.

Jasper thought for a moment. “Be less specific?” He offered.

She sighed heavily, throwing her hands into the air exasperatedly. “Are you even human?” She asked half joking.

shake no

She froze in her seat, her eyes searching his face for any signs that he was joking, but all she found was honesty and everything was suddenly way more serious.

She nodded slowly, trying to gather her racing thoughts as she stared into the trees ahead of them. Oddly enough, this discovery didn’t scare her like she knew it should have. She knew that whatever the truth ended up being, that Jasper wouldn’t hurt her. Regardless, what did she really have to lose anyway? What mattered was that she trusted him, whether that trust was ill seeded or not didn’t really matter to her anymore.

“Are you from Earth?” She asked incredulously.

Jasper smiled again, snickering slightly. “We’re not aliens.” He said.

Camila rolled her eyes teasingly. “Just checking.” She muttered.

“Are you immortal?” nod yes

Her eyes widened. “Really?” Jasper nodded again. “You’re sure you’re not making me out to be the most gullible person in the world?” He shook his head firmly, deeply serious, despite the ridiculous nature of the conversation. “How old are you?” She asked.

Jasper shook his head. “That’s a conversation for another day.” He reasoned, earning an indignant huff from the girl. He was honestly shocked with how well she had been taking all of this. Most importantly, he could tell by her emotions that she believed every word that he was saying. He didn’t exactly understand the blind trust that she had in him, but nonetheless, was happy that he had it.

Her mind wandered, attempting find her next question. How did you recover from an admission like that? Despite her shock, she pushed on. “Do you sleep?” She asked.

shake no

“Like, not at all?”

shake no

She pushed her mind to think of what this could mean. If he wasn’t human, then all of this had to be pointing to something in particular. He had expected her to guess eventually, so she knew that she to know deep down what it could be. Had to have heard of whatever he was at some point in her life. Her mind wandered to horror movies, and the monsters that were written in countless stories that she had read.

Suddenly a word came to mind, and she sat, silent for a moment, completely still in her seat, debating if it would be completely ridiculous to ask. Surely this ridiculous conversation was proof enough that she should just ask the damn question already.

“Vampire?” She blurted out.

Jasper hesitated for a moment. This was the make it or break it answer. She would either take this information overwhelmingly well, or more than likely, run off screaming. The lighthearted conversation had flipped so completely in such little time that it left him reeling and wishing that he could back pedal, but he knew that there was no way.

He hadn’t expected her to figure it all out so soon, but here she was, on the cusp of finding out everything, and they hadn’t even known each other a full week yet. The word had already left her lips and there was no chance that he would lie when the truth was already out in the air.

He shifted his gaze down, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to look her in the eyes as he admitted the truth. “Yes.” He muttered.

Her heart thudded in her chest, as the information sunk in. “Y-you’ve got to be fucking with me.” She sputtered.

shake no

Next Chapter

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scarabjewels · 4 months ago

Text

What Mad Girl Movies Taught Me:

Never Be Like Me

(Lessons From Helter Skelter and Black Swan)

Beauty and perfectionism has been ingrained to how we build our self identity, social acceptability and self worth. This just has to stop. So here I am, sharing my opinions and experience, in hopes that someone who is struggling the same way finds this and say " wow, I am enough. The world is just fucked up".

Let's get on to it as I dissect the moral lessons two beloved movies of mad women we can all learn from.

Helter Skelter: Beauty As A Trend is Never Achievable

I have noticed how fucked up body trends are, in all known genders yes, but especially the heterosexual ones.

It really is so fucked up how it is normal to treat the body like a moldable accessory, when it's literally what works hard keep you alive because it is you! In just a span of a decade from 2015 to 2024, the trends over body aesthetics is crazy. I can tell you that sexism and ingrained toxicity in social constructs are alive and maybe even so flourishing with globalisation, whilst civil wars are coexisting. It's crazy (but that's another conversation).

Lately, another wave of Heroin Chic is hitting the influencer network, this wave has been a long time coming, especially during and after the pandemic. People have been trying to get healthy, yes, but for the wrong reasons, so much so that people just try to look healthy when in fact they got there from the artificial place.

Just around mid-2010, big ass and a tiny waist were all the rage. Yes, it opened up the door to the body types acceptance but also glamorized it, too much. Then by 2020, healthy body figures became the rage again: abs, toned muscles and no fat. Interestingly, body positivity also came along with the trend, opening the new target audience in markets: the plus size. Here we are at mid 2020, where heroine chic came back, along with toned look. The influence of this trend came with the build of many celebrities losing weight, such as Kim Kardashian removing her buttlift, Christina Aguilera looking like she was in her early 20s again, Nikoavokado coming back with relatively a drastically changed body and many more.

I will be honest that I accidentally jumped into this trend train. I lost weight drastically in a span of 6 months, due to self harming habits. (Please be warned of the terms I am using to describe what happened to me, I did not get diagnosed, even when it is very obvious what is happening to me). Ever since I was younger, I unconsciously trained myself to not eat when I am upset which led to repercussions I am yet to recover from. My weight would fluctuate all the time as a teenager and even now as an adult, as I get upset for longer periods of time, and the stress of that period still stays even after I feel better. So my eating habits would have split days of completely normal times to eat or literally starving because I slept in the whole day, that is my journey right now which is actually quite better than before. I would be physically incapable of even digesting food properly, my stomach would reject just the thought of eating again, which would only happen if I try to eat outside of the house (very specific I know), yet I would eat just fine at home. I couldn't eat because it would literally hurt. It was the worst periods of my life honestly. I couldn't function well, I couldn't sleep , one time I fainted at work from extreme fatigue.

Needless to say, I lost too much weight. Not skin -bone, but a drastic comparison from before. I am not happy, I am not moving much, and I feel like I am not enough, because now I am developing body dysmorphia. I was fine when I was a little over weight, I am jolly, active and full of life (not all the time, but most is pretty good!) I moved a lot, I am talking about long walks and trekking, and it was just for FUN. I loved it. Now, I can barely move and at age 22, my bones would "pop" or "creak" just from an occasional stretch or kneeling.

Look at what happened to the patients of the clinic where Lilico and other people were obsessed with beauty. Suicide, because they couldn't afford to lose their new look. They would rather die beautiful than live. Lilico is fucked up in her own way, yet her actions' main motivation is because of the delicious power she has from her perfected beautiful appearance. Fame, a rich guy who is obsessed with her, money, easy manipulation of others. She wanted it all. She wants to be what everyone wants, and just from her monologues, you can tell she hated every single minute of it, especially in the manga. She treated herself like a perfect product no one should ever dare to one up, yet she knew she was just a product, that her market value will end eventually. That girl went bat shit crazy. She was addicted to the good stuff her socially praised beauty was. It is obviously not worth it!

Oh here is one too: ageism. Look, it is well and alive before so is today. The amount of males who told me women have a ticking clock of attractiveness is frustratingly high and even exists in younger generations. Age is the number of years you have been alive on this earth, not a set of intervals of attractiveness.

Like what the detective said: "Youth is beautiful but not inherently beauty". You know what you get with age? Wisdom, even more beauty, journeys of epics and living life to the fullest.

Look at the Golden Girls. If you ever have a chance to watch that show, you find that dating at an older age is great and sometimes rocky, like any type of dating. Their age in that show is supposed to be around 50 to 60, and they were ACTIVELY DATING. They even tackled the insecurities of being older, having wrinkles, a hanging stomach, and being unattractive, and it is always countered. It isn't true what they say, that you are attractive at only a certain age. Honestly, I prefer the type of dating in an older age. You MOSTLY know what you want from the other, and because you have gone through a lot already, it's faster to move on. Also, these ladies mostly dated men AROUND THEIR AGE. Now, this is important too. Males have told me that men just age better with time, and that's not true at all. It depends heavily on each individual, irregardless of age and gender. The Golden Girls dated handsome men, overweight men, men of different races and religions, average men, etc. They like to get to know the person (Blanch, though, is so hyperactive, so maybe not always getting to know them for who they are, but she does value traditional dating) because that is way more valuable than their looks.

Lilico didn't even like anyone, not even herself. Probably just her sister, she loves her but well she is Lilico so toxic af. Sex is not even making love to her, it's a business transaction, a tool for manipulation, and a means to an end. That's fucked up.

Let's this be a cautionary tale: achieving society's beauty will never be worth it.

I discussed said toxic beauty standards. Now, let's move one ahead with the toxicity of perfectionism.

Black Swan: There is No "Perfect"

Perfect? No, she was brilliant, but she was never "perfect". Perfectionism is so toxic in itself already, I know because I used to participate in it too.

I wanted to be perfect in writing the best, it didn't matter to me if I was not on the top ten highest grades in class, as long as I am the best in that one thing I am good at. However, my story is not close enough to Nina's extremely perfectionist behaviour, so I will share one that is closer to that tale as well as the point the movie and I am trying to make.

I am Asian (Filipino) and just from above, I can say that that really is the school system here, yes being a nerd is normal and being the TOP NERD was so important, I saw people broke down because they didn't win at a class competition. Toxic, right? Self-worth was associated with how good you are at academics and those over-achieving people envy others who had it easy. I was one of those who didn't struggle with academics as much, I got good grades , even when I didn't study. University did humble me, of course. Still, it doesn't bother me if I got a bad grade or a good grade. But the comments I hear from the one who worked hard to be "the best", damn. I once had a classmate who really wanted the best record in her academics. She was obsessed with it. Losing sleep, losing patience, and losing her mental health, basically. I did ask her once when she was stressing about not getting in a higher rank in the top ten, I asked her : "Does it matter?"I didn't mean it as a serious thing, but it came out like that because she replied,"It matters to me. " The tone was "I want to win." Look, her hardworking personality is ENOUGH to get her a job (she really wanted a job to get out of the house), I just wish she wasn't stressing out about winning so much. Back then, I remember her being in a bad mood, because she didn't sleep working on a project or she had a bad group mate (to be fair to her, everyone hated that person for good reason). She was ENOUGH, and I hope she sees that about herself now.

I think sacrifice is discussed a lot when talking about toxic perfectionism but behaviour from the get go isn't talked about enough.

Nina Sawyers is an example of the bad behaviour of any toxic perfectionist. She would do ANYTHING to get to the top. She tried to seduce the director to get the part she wanted, she would sabotage Lily who was friendly to her all through out as a person wanting to steal her part, she would do anything that it literally messed with her head, that her fate was her karma. She was jealous, envious and had no GOOD DAY unless SHE WAS THE PERFECT ONE. She loved the praise but couldn't handle anything less.

Nina needs to cut her mother out of her life, go out and actually have fun, and have friends who she doesn't see as competition. She needs to be friends with her peers of the same interest, too. God, that girl has no friends. She is too busy with her craft, and also, her mom is overbearing, which probably drove her to isolate from others.

One other thing, like in Helter Skelter, Nina sees her skill as a marketable tool that puts her above the rest, which is also why she is so paranoid when the director keeps comparing her to Lily, feeling threatened to be replaced. The director is an asshole, but it is pretty clear that those comparisons were meant to constructive criticism, though he needed to work on that bad delivery, also I think he was unconsciously and consciously manipulative of his muses in general. The past "Oddette", before Nina, probably experienced all the build-up paranoia that led her to extreme actions such as aggressively confronting Nina and stabbing herself in the face.

No person should ever feel like they are replaceable because they are worthless. No one should ever feel like they have to be the best because that's the only way that makes them worthy. You are worthy, nonetheless of your skill.

The Conclusion: You Are Never Enough For Them, You Are Enough For You

I know I discussed Nina and Lilico as cautionary tales, but we also to acknowledge the society that drove them to that point. We, as a society, glamorize the best of what we see: skill, craft, art, beauty, age and etc. We failed to acknowledge that we are putting impossible pedestals on them. We treat "good" things as if that is what should be good. We really failed to SEE BEAUTY AND GOOD IN OTHER THINGS.

Lilico was bullied for being fat, fetishised for being fat, and praised for being perfectly beautiful. Then, she is shamed for her past.

Society really ruined her.

As for Nina, she was always praised for being perfect, yet she had no friends because she saw them as a competition. Her over bearing mother would put her down (I saw more moments of her downplaying her skill, though in hindsight, rather than actually celebrating and supporting) .That is a factor as to why she thrived in praise so much in ballet. That is where she could be loved and FREE.

Her mother failed her, and the perfectionism ruined her.

Do not ever go to that point where you find yourself going crazy over an unreachable height. Be kind to yourself, so someone is comparing to other people? wow, aren't they someone who notices too much, that person has no life to live. Also, don't do that to yourself, don't be the loser who always looks down on others, who compares themselves to greater people because they are not enough, that is not a habit you want lingering.

I also was a person who compared themselves often to others, guess where I got that from? My flesh and blood: my mother. I still remember it, she compared me to a good friend of mine and it led me to compare myself to everyone. It was ONE passive-aggressive comment. I hated it so much, and I never did that to anyone.

I learned that I hated that feeling whenever someone does it to themselves or others to that to me, I take offence and say that that is such a sorry way to think then I realized I was like that. I had friends like that, and guess what? the Habit is still here, but I now combat it because I have no friends who do that to themsleves or others. I was done with that mentality.

I don't like it, so why should I linger in that energy?

Now, I implore you to really look at the bigger picture, think and do what is truly best for you, no matter what others say.

#blog #opinion #film #movie opinions #therapy #black swan #helter skelter #lilico #nina sayers #nina black swan #girl movies

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