#I have so many diagnoses I can barely keep up

[pomefioredove]

I LOVED the stim headcanons sm! it scratched my autistic brain in a good way :333

I was wondering if you could possibly do headcanons with the rest of Diasomnia, Pomefiore, and Heartslabyul with the same premise (the stimming thing)? I can see Trey being very accommodating for the reader :3

Thank you! 🩷🩷🩷🩷

hi anon I was in therapy yesterday for the first time in a while and when I got out I realized I had been stimming the ENTIRE time

dorm leaders + jamil

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ reader who stims!

type of post: headcanons characters: ace, deuce, trey, cater, epel, rook, sebek, silver, lilia additional info: romantic or platonic, reader is gender neutral, reader is yuu

now, I don't think Ace makes fun of it, but he definitely...

"you're doing that thing again,"

listen, it's not that it bothers him, or distracts him. it's not even weird!

he just... finds you really... interesting?

will say you're an "interesting critter fr bro" and leave it

Deuce is the complete opposite

he will never ever say anything about your stims

won't even ask

he just really doesn't want to be rude. he's not that guy anymore!

(you don't know how to tell him that he stims without realizing it)

he's like your knight in shining armor... kind of

*ੈ✩‧₊˚

guys I hate to say it but Cater has 100% armchair diagnosed most of the people he knows

and like... he's right... but come on!

at least he usually keeps it to himself. so when he picks up on your stimming he just... doesn't say anything

it's just another nice little tidbit of information on you :) of which he has many

for normal reasons

of course

*ੈ✩‧₊˚

now, Trey is a sweetie, as always

but he's also a liar

he is not, in fact, "this nice to everyone"

he actually does the bare minimum he needs to do to get by

the guy is spoiling you

making sure you're fed and warm and comfortable the moment you step over the threshold

stimming is no problem

if you like the feeling of dough, or the sound of eggs cracking, he'll have you in the kitchen with him :)

he rather likes you, and your stims

*ੈ✩‧₊˚

I know Rook's autistic self isn't about to say anything

but, really, he already stims. subtly, but constantly

and seeing you mirror his own behaviors...

he is smitten

as if he couldn't grow any fonder of you...

now, unless it becomes upsetting or harmful, he sees no reason to stop you. he rather likes watching your every little move

and Epel is a loyal little thing

once you're his, that's it, it's over, you could literally kill someone and he'd show up with bleach and a mop like "where's the body"

so, yeah

some humming or tapping or clicking isn't going to bother him

honestly half the time he doesn't even notice

bro is too busy fighting his sensory issues with his uniform

(the sensory issues are winning)

*ੈ✩‧₊˚

Sebek scolds you for distracting him

he can already hardly think straight when his eyes are always drawn to you!!! >:(

now you're moving, too?!

he can't help but stare, which just upsets him more

it's not until Lilia takes your side that he calms down

the aforementioned having his own... quirks

(and much louder ones, too)

this is all background noise for Silver

is he just used to it? is he currently half-asleep and wouldn't notice if a bomb went off behind him?

who's to say!

he's passing out on your shoulder while you repeat the same word over and over either way

[the-ace-with-spades]

(sorry this got longer than I thought)

You know what fic I'd love to read?

One where Carole dies but doesn't get anything in order before her death (as is many times the case) and Mav is installed as Bradley's temporary guardian after her death but everything goes wrong very fast

Due to Mav's less than heterosexuals tendencies, Bradley ends up in the foster system. One day a social worker with a police officer just shows up and takes him away from school and he doesn't know what's going on. He ends up in his first not so good foster family the same evening. Mav can't even visit as he is deemed a bad influence and has an ongoing investigation if he is 'fit' to be Bradley's guardian.

He doesn't stop asking about Mav for months. Keeps trying to run away to him (he's about 50 miles away because foster homes are sparse so no dice) and finally his foster 'mom' is fed up with the constant asks to at least try and call Mav so she tells him Mav didn't want him and doesn't want Bradley to contact him.

And because Bradley is twelve, he believes it.

(It's not that Mav didn't try. There was a whole appeal process but Mav had a deployment right after and he couldn't explain to the social workers that no, Bradley would stay with someone trusted while he was gone, because that someone was Ice, the source of his suspected homosexual tendencies. They literally told him he's not allowed to contact Bradley and once he came back from deployment, Bradley was already in a different foster home, a few counties over and lost in the system.)

Bradley spends the rest of his childhood in the system. His first family is dubious and the following ones are a mix of constant hope and disappointment. He has at least two different families foster him every year, until he is sixteen and ends up in a group home. There are only two families that he actually comes close to calling family - a young married couple that stops fostering when the wife is diagnosed with chronic autoimmune disorder, and a couple of teachers that have to drop one of the two kids they foster when the financial requirements to foster raise and decide that Bradley is going to be that kid.

No one ever even thinks about adopting him. He's got good grades and stays on top of school, but that's about what is going well in his life. Some families he's with are average - they let him be and maybe don't care as much for anything that involves him as long it doesn't stir trouble at the fostering agency and Bradley is healthy and safe. Some families are worse - sometimes he is one of the five kids and is expected to stay and be a live-in nanny, sometimes they're only doing it for the money and he has barely anything, barely any food, barely any attention, barely any clothes, barely any school supplies, just so he doesn't cost too much. Sometimes, things get physical - it happens less, the taller he gets and by the time he starts fighting back, he has enough reputation that no one believes it and no one wants to foster him anymore. And group home it is.

By the time he's seventeen, he's enlisted. Just so he leaves the system as fast as he can. It all works out because the Navy fits the bill for his university and NROTC when the time comes - even if he's told he's not a good candidate for the USNA, even if he was told his grades and his achievements should be more than enough, even if despite the circumstances, he managed to meet the same requirements.

Finding out that it was Pete 'Maverick' Mitchell who protested his application and pulled the plug on it is Bradley's second heartbreak.

Bradley bites down any complaints he has about life and enters UVA at 21, with a military scholarship and NROTC bursary. At that point, he doesn't even know if he still wants to go into aviation, it brings so much bitterness in him. But then his grades and his overall achievement are so good, everyone says it'd be a waste if he didn't go to one of the most competitive pipelines. The Navy pays for his private pilot licence when he hesitates, and sure enough, it does feel good.

The pipeline is where he meets Jake Seresin. Jake Seresin, who has two brothers and two sisters and who has jars of homemade jam and chocolate-covered plums sent in a little package from his mom at least once a month. Jake Seresin, who uses all his leave to attend weddings, holiday parties, birthday parties, even a dog's funeral. Jake Seresin, who comes from every Thanksgiving with spare pumpkin pie, who has a new handmade Christmas sweater every year.

Jake Seresin, who, for some reason not known to Bradley, is impressed with how effortless learning to fly is for Bradley, with how much Bradley knows, with how much he leads in the lectures and the flight lessons - most guys find Bradley annoying and cold and Bradley would've agreed with them if any said it to his face. The Navy is the only good thing Bradley's had since his mom died, he has much more time to focus on being good at whatever Navy throws at him and maybe that makes him strange and aloof. But not Jake.

Jake Seresin, who is a competitive asshole that can't shut his mouth for his own good. Who has no idea of personal space, who fills the silence better than a jukebox, who will drill and drill the topic until he gets an answer he can comprehend, who doesn't care what people think of him as long as he knows his worth.

Bradley might have a bit of a crush on him, but it's an annoying crush kind of crush - one he doesn't really want to have, one he doesn't really know what to do with. Jake Seresin, who probably would never look at Bradley twice, especially in that way.

They get separate F-18 training bases and Bradley forgets for a moment Jake Seresin ever existed.

Then, summer of 2011, Jake Seresin gets restationed, right into Bradley's squadron. And he's still his annoying self, inserting himself into Bradley's private space, private time, and doesn't let Bradley have a say in it, at all.

Maybe Bradley doesn't want to have any say in it, deep down.

A few months later, DADT gets repealed. It doesn't change much for Bradley, he's not going to talk to anyone about his personal life. But it seems it changes something for Jake.

Because he asks Bradley out on a date.

Bradley's never really dated. Didn't really have the time to when he was a teenager, moved so many times, and then he enlisted, and then he was in college and NROTC. He slept with people, but he's never dated anyone.

So he gets to know Jake Seresin. Jake Seresin, who despite bringing all that food back with him any time he visits his parents, can't cook at all and who would hang onto Bradley's arm or shoulders whenever Bradley cooked. Who can sew so well that he saves all of Bradley's old shirts. Who can't keep his mouth shut, no matter the circumstances - not in the theatre, not when they eat, not when they just watch a movie at home, not even in bed. Who seems to know every single tune under the sun but can't play a single instrument. Who has elaborate, detailed plans for his life - an admiral by forty, two kids by thirty-five, a nice little house in driving distance to some body of water, a German shepherd or a border collie for a family dog once the house is there, a personal two or maybe four-person plane by the time he's forty-five, maybe co-owning aeroclub by fifty.

Bradley's never before thought about the future.

He never tells Jake even half of the things he's seen and lived through when he was in foster care, never tells him about his pulled application from USNA, never tells him about Mav. He doesn't think Jake would be able to understand, the way his family seems perfect and loving and caring. He doesn't want him to know how many things is wrong with him.

But Jake knows he's got no family, that his dad died in the Navy, his mom when he started middle school, that he's been in foster care for all his teenage years. Knows that Bradley has no one to come back home.

"Don't be a fool, sweetheart," is what Jake tells him. "You've got me."

For the first time in his life at the age of 29, Bradley requests Christmas leave.

Bradley's never had a big family, but there was a time he once had a family - or so he thought, when he was twelve and the illusion shattered - so he thought he'd be okay.

And at first, he is fine. Jake rotates him around like a prize piece, introducing him to his siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, nephews, cousins, grandparents, but it's just two or three people at once. Whenever it seems like too much, Bradley drifts away to the kitchen where he can just stay silent and listen to Jake's mom talk to the various people that come by while he slices homemade ham or he steps out onto the backyard and talks to the kids of all the ages gathered around the makeshift playground.

But then they're right before dinner starts - there are over thirty people in the open space of the house, now that everyone arrived, and Bradley feels hot, suffocating in the crowded space, in the clutter of gifts and food and colorful Christmas sweaters.

And then, before he can take any of it in, he hears Jake, saying in his typical loud and teasing tone, that Bradley can play the piano, and look at that, he could play something Christmas-y before the turkey is done, and next thing he knows, there's over thirty pairs of eyes on him and plenty of people asking questions and making teasing remarks and it all seems so tricky--

He can't imagine himself, in that room, with all those people, feeling comfortable. So he walks out.

Bradley doesn't know how to be a part of a family. There's no reason to try and lie to himself and everyone else.

They don't see each other for years after. The next time they do, it's only the eight weeks at Top Gun. The Jake that Bradley knew isn't there - this Jake is bitter and sarcastic and sharp with his tongue. This Jake wins Top Gun and never looks back at Bradley when he returns to his station base.

The next time they see each other is at the Top Gun recall when Bradley is going through a life roller coaster.

Not only is Jake being the biggest ass not just to him but to everyone, for the first time in twenty years, Bradley sees Mav. Sure, maybe he's not moved on from Jake - he still remains the only person Bradley ever dated - but he's managed to dodge Maverick, and Iceman by association, in all those years he's been in the Navy and now he's forced to pretend all is fine.

And Maverick doesn't make it easier.

He tries to approach Bradley like they're long-lost friends, saying all those things about how he missed him and how Bradley looks so much like his dad. Like he didn't leave him in the foster system when he was a kid and didn't fuck up his application for USNA.

So he pretends he doesn't remember Maverick because that's the easiest given that Maverick is supposed to train him.

On top of that, Jake mixes himself up into Bradley's shit life situation when he overhears Mav trying to get Bradley to 'remember' and 'renew their relationship' and keeps pestering Bradley. Maybe he can tell you more about your childhood, why the hell are you so rude to him, he wouldn't make up knowing you, you know, maybe he's got some of your parents' stuff and can share---

And hearing the love of his life that he let get away because Bradley didn't know how to be part of his family side with the first person that told Bradley he's not enough to be someone's family - well, it's not exactly helping the state of Bradley'e mental being.

So maybe he explodes at Jake, a little bit, in the end. You want to talk to the man who left me behind when I was twelve and the only time he looked back was to tell me he didn't think I was good enough? Then so be fucking it.

Instead of butting into Bradley's life, Jake shuts up and starts avoiding him. Bradley supposes he has what he wanted.

Bradley doesn't care what Maverick thinks or if he changed or if he wants something from Bradley.

He still turns around when he's shot down. It's not like he's got someone to come back to anyway. Not because he cares about Maverick.

"I'm not you," Bradley tells Mav. "I don't leave people behind."

The admittance - that he knows and remembers Mav and wants nothing to do with him, wants to be nothing like him - works. They survive and Bradley doesn't see Maverick again, not when they're in the med bay, not when they're in the hospital in San Diego, not when he gets discharged.

He sees Jake instead, waiting on him at the reception of the unit he had been on, patiently waiting for Bradley to sign his discharge papers without using his broken wrist.

"What, do you have someone else to take your broken ass home?"

In truth, Bradley was just going to take a taxi. Instead, Jake takes the plastic bag with Bradley's clothes and silently leads them to his truck before he asks for Bradley's address.

And in all this mess, the first thing Jake asks him is, "Are you going to stay in San Diego?" because they have the offer to stay there and make their place in Top Gun-adjacent brand new squadron.

"No, I'm going to go back to my base," Bradley tells him. There's nothing for him San Diego, but there's plenty for Jake and he doesn't want to be a barrier.

"I think you should stay in San Diego. With me."

He wishes it was that simple but the truth is, Bradley is still the same.

"I can't be the person you want to have in your life."

"But you already are the person I want in my life."

"I think this is going to end up badly."

"Only if you let it."

Bradley's never really could say no to Jake.

It all seems so easy, when he falls asleep on Jake's shoulder watching Top Gear, but at some point, Bradley knows, they will get to the point when it'll all crush again.

There is also the whole thing with Maverick, their now CO, who appears to be some kind of ashamed now that he finally knows that Bradley remembers what he did - or rather what he didn't do. He avoids Bradley like the plague and it seems to be affecting the squad - because they all love Maverick and Bradley is the weirdo who can't have fun or be friendly. He's just waiting on someone to call him out as the party pooper contrasting to their fun CO and deem the problem, as always, just because he can't pretend to be happy to be around him.

Jake hasn't said anything about the Maverick thing explicitly but he gives Bradley those looks whenever Maverick is nearby and sometimes he makes those quips

[luigixfanxayjay]

game!luigi headcanons!!!

i keep seeing a lot of people make headcanon dump posts, so i decided to make one of my various luigi headcanons myself! heres to anyone who wants to read this post! i hope none of you mind the tags, and i apologize if i bugged you!

@peaches2217 @pianokantzart @loud-kid2 @jelly-fish-wishes @itsavee4117 @silenzahra @supa-mehyro @supergay-64 @acen402 @totallyking @oh-my-gosh-its-j0sh @dayseedrawz2 @bberetd @megamagimugi

-_-_-_-_-_-

- luigi has autism spectrum disorder, he was diagnosed at a young age along with marios adhd diagnosis. he also has generalized anxiety disorder and sometimes depression, but he has found many great ways to cope throughout the years.

- luigi LOVES cows. any animal he doesnt know the name of would be called "cow". he uses this as a placeholder word, and he doesnt express the fact he doesnt know the animal directly.

- anytime luigi is overly scared, nervous, shy, or excited, he tends to have a stutter. for him, its hard to find many words in this state.

- you may think luigi is just a plumber, but he also has many different hobbies! these include mechanics, arts, sports (especially tennis!), photography, gardening, and even music!

- luigis favorite colors are green and "porpol" (his pronounciation, not mine).

- luigi is bisexual. he has a strong romantic relationship with princess daisy, but fails to admit it to anyone other than his loved ones in fear of judgement. he also has had interest in prince peasley, but unfortunately wasnt able to talk to him about it before they departed.

- luigi hates loud noises, which led to a childhood fear of lightning and explosions. thankfully, his fear of that significantly lessened thanks to his thunderhand.

- luigi posts polterpup content EVERYWHERE on social media. he may be a cat person, but polterpup is a STRONG exception. have i mentioned he loves his pet ghost dog with all of his heart?

- luigi is generally a pretty emotional guy. barely slamming his hand on the wall? crying. getting a game over in a video game? crying. watching a sad moment in a babies show? crying. just arrived at the doctors office for a checkup? crying. these were mostly exaggerations, but the fact that luigi is emotionally in touch when needbe still stands. this, of course, is a positive thing.

- pancakes is luigis favorite comfort food. he simply stims with joy just ready for a bite! he especially loves it with syrup and blueberries! mmmm... now im hungry!

- when luigi succeeds in battle, he breaks into the sickest dance moves. dont ask me why.

- luigi has a strong feeling of fear, almost anytime he feels it. its either "oh, this is scary :(" or "OH MY GOODNESS I AM PISSING MY PANTS IN TERROR I NEED TO DO SOMETHING OR ESCAPE OR ELSE IM GONNA PASS OUT!!!". absolutely NO inbetweens.

-luigis body has a hard time adjusting to temperature or sudden gait changes. goes out in 50° fehrinheit for a millisecond while wearing a baggy jacket, and hes shivering like a wet dog. he loses the cat powerup after using it for not even 5 minutes, and hes tumbling around as if he were incredibly drunk.

- speaking of drunk, luigi almost never drinks alcohol. he always drinks non-alcoholic alternatives unless on VERY special occasions such as his own wedding or a "our lives are saved again thanks to the bros" party.

- luigi prefers to not be the leader in groups. it makes him very anxious anytime he has to take that role, especially if its a larger group of unfamiliar people.

- luigi is so so so ambiverted. he doesnt want to socialize with new people as he prefers sameness and familiarity. but, when hes with people he knows such as mario and friends, he talks more than youd see in an eminem song. craziest part, hes actually great at making new friends.

- luigi enjoys storytelling. like mentioned in the last headcanon, he enjoys telling people he knows about his day or any sort of scenario that popped up in his head.

- luigi has a high iq, as he can use his logic quite well in tight situations. mario and luigi brothership shows that far enough.

- luigis thunderhand can be helpful, but sometimes it can cause more harm than good. hes normally invincible to his own attack and just lightning in general, but when hes under strong enough emotion, it can lead to his invincibility shield dissipating and him getting hurt.

-_-_-_-_-_-

thats all i have for now! someday soon i may work on headcanon posts for other mario characters and perhaps characters from different fandoms! lemme know if you wanna see more!

[autistichalfblood]

🩷🖤Unfathomable🩷🖤

On March 8th 2023 I got a job as a public school English teacher and I couldn't do anything else, I barely even had time to sleep.

On April 29th 2024 I had to quit that job because I was having way too many anxiety and panic attacks and my health (physical and mental) was declining. I am a diagnosed autistic person who just couldn't handle it anymore, I was teaching 16 different classes, working 9 hours every day, the only English Teacher for over 500 students.

I'm now trying to find my balance again, looking for the safety of my special interests, one of them being Wenclair, hence why I'm back writing my fanfic Unfathomable.

I am rereading what I have already written and doing some small updates (mostly sentence structure and stuff like that) and after I finish up with what is already posted, I will go back to writing that!

It might not be updated in consistent, quick manner when I go back at it, because I need to avoid too much pressure and stress but I'm so fond of this pairing, they keep me company when I'm lonely because I have no friends and no one to talk to, and they actually teach me some things and help me understand others.

I would love to ask any tumblr mates, wednesday/wenclair fans or otherwise, to check my fic out and let me know how I can improve my writing (you can comment there on my fic), I honestly think that interacting with other human beings in a classroom is too much for me and writing has always been my love, so I'm gonna follow that path now.

Fanfic: Unfathomable

Pairing: (Wednesday Addams/Enid Sinclair)

TV SHOW: Wednesday (Netflix)

Link: Click here to be transported to AO3.

---

UPDATE:

Chapters 1 & 2 were already fully checked, edited and updated.

Chapter 3 is OUT NOW!!!!

Stats:

1 kudo away from 2150!

479 hits away from 17,000 (woow!)

20 comments away from 100!

[electronicnutcycle]

Double Penetration - Day 3 - tommy lee x Nikki Sixx

Description: Your boyfriend Nikki and his band finally come back from tour . Nikki and Tommy are really horny . That where you come in.

Pairing: Nikki Sixx x TommyLee x reader.

Warnings: Double penetration, a little bit of overstimulation and think that’s all ( but lmk if I missed something).

Being a girlfriend to a rockstar can have both its pros and cons . Some of the pros being having amazing sex with him and his fellow band mate who you also found hot . It was dark out and way past 12 , your boyfriend Nikki and his band had just gotten home from tour and both Nikki and Tommy were full of sexual frustration, Which is where you come in also needy and horny . Your boyfriend Nikki had bragged to Tommy all tour on how good you were in bed and how tight you were , which you didn't mind cause you also thought Tommy was extremely hot. Which leads to right now , on your hands and knees while your mouth and cunt are being abused .

It felt like hours went by as multiple orgasms rippled through your stomach and how many orgasms have leaked into your sopping wet cunt or you have to swallow , you don’t know . Cause by the time another orgasm rippled through you you were barely able to keep yourself up and you were basically a mess with mascara running down your face and a mixture of both the boys cum and saliva running down you chin . “Look at the lil slut , a absolute mess” Nikki spat out while examining your abused and used body “ watcha think Tom , wanna go for another round?” “Whew absolutely, I think can use another round” Tommy said before picking you up like you were nothing and putting you on his lap . As Tommy slowly inched his cock into your already overstimulated and sopping wet hole , for a few seconds Tommy stopped but before you could realize why it was so calm you felt Nikki's cock enter the already preoccupied hole and before you could get the chance the make a sound Nikki already had some of his fingers in your mouth to muffle your screams. After you had gotten used to the two of them in your tight hole you made a noise to let go and as they both started to go in and out . At first slowly to not overwhelm you , but at time went on there was nothing you could do to stop Tommy and Nikki's brutal pace. Whilst they continued to abuse your poor cunt , you started to feel a familiar feeling in your stomach , the familiar feeling of a tight rope in your abdomen. Just as the tight rope snapped , your legs started to shake and as your sight went white , you pass out . When you awoke again you had been cleaned up and had a fresh pair of clothes on while been snuggled up between to two men like you were before.

A/N: Heyy guys! , I hope you enjoy this story . So sorry it came out so late I got diagnosed with pneumonia and spent the last few days/weeks in hospital trying to figure out what it was . Luckily they found out , I’m currently taking meds and starting to feel so much better!. I hope everyone reading has a good kinktober/October.

[thescarletnargacuga]

If i may make a suggestion, human AU sickfic, maybe?

A/N: poor hoomans

THE FLU

A HUMAN AU SHOWTIME ONESHOT

WARNING: none

~~~

Pomni coughed into her millionth tissue. She'd been diagnosed with influenza, and nearly bedridden all week. Her throat burned with fury of a California wildfire while she could barely breathe through her runny nose. She ran a fever off and on, causing body wide aches and fatigue. She barely ate anything out of lack of appetite, not helping her energy levels.

Thankfully, she had a TV in her room and her phone so she had all the entertainment in the world at her fingertips. She binged show after show while she struggled to sleep.

Caine insisted she have the master bedroom to herself while sick. He wasn't worried about exposure, but her coughing was keeping him up at night with worry so he slept on the couch in the living room so he could get sleep and go to work. He texted her often about how she was doing, did she need anything while he was out, telling her when he would be home, etc.

Bubble could sense that his human was not okay and would spend the entire day chilling with her in bed. It's the calmest he's ever been. When he wasn't chewing on his toy, he was cuddling with Pomni and getting so many pets. It was the best.

Pomni laid against her high wedge pillow, watching her shows when Caine came in. He was still in his work suit, carrying some tea and a large shopping bag. "Hello, my dear. Did you get much rest today?"

"Meh...kind of." Pomni grumbled, her voice was rough from all the coughing. "Bubble and I have been binging Bridgerton. Have you seen it? It's pretty good."

"Heard of it, but haven't seen it myself." Caine set the hot cup of tea on the nightstand next to Pomni, shuffling a few pill bottles and cough drops out of the way. "Made you some chamomile tea. I added that vitamin C powder we got from the pharmacy, help your immune system a bit."

"Thank you." Pomni smiled through the fatigue. "What's in the bag?"

"I bought you a few things." He pulled out a big box of tissues. "You've been going through these by the box, so I got the biggest one they sold."

Pomni almost laughed. "Only one?"

"Nope. There are sixteen more in the hallway closet."

"I stand corrected."

"I also got," Caine pulled out another big box. "This jumbo pack of snack cakes. Apple cinnamon, your favorite."

"Aw, Caine, thank-"

"BUT WAIT! There's more! I got this really nice smelling massage oil. I can rub out those sore spots for you, if you'll let me." He winked.

Pomni laughed, coughing a little. "Only if you promise to just give me a back rub. I don't have the energy for hanky panky."

"Promise, love. Oh!" He set the bottle of oil in Pomni's lap with the snack box. "I also found this mini gator plush! Look at 'im!" He put a hand sized sitting gator plush in Pomni's lap.

She cooed over the little gator. "Oh my god, he's so cute!"

"Smell him! He's scented! Pineapple and Lime, I believe." Caine double checked the tag.

"Caine... I don't have a sense of smell right now."

"Oh yeah, well you can smell them later, because I have something else for you!"

"How many things do you have in that magician's bag of yours??" She was smiling more than she had all week. He was being silly for her sake and she loved him for it.

"Just one more thing." Caine searched the bag but I was empty. "Huh...that's strange. Where did I put it?" He felt his various suit pockets.

"What did you lose?"

"Oh wait, silly me. It wouldn't fit in the bag."

Pomni's eyes widened. "Caine...what did you buy?"

"It doesn't have a price tag." He gave Pomni a cheeky smile and kissed her forehead. "It's all my love for you."

"You're such a dork. I love you." She hugged him.

"I love you more. More and more each day." He kissed the top of her head. "I'm gonna need you to get better soon. I miss kissing those lips of yours."

"I'm working on it. Flu season is rough this year. Wanna watch Bridgerton with me?"

"Absolutely." Caine started changing into more casual clothes.

Pomni caught Bubble trying to sneak a bite at her new Gummy Gator plush. She snatched it away. "No! Destroy your own toys. This one's mine."

Bubble whined and begged for the plush, despite the fact that his own toy was literally right next to him. Pomni distracted him with belly rubs and he forgot all about the new plush.

After Caine was changed and grabbed his own drink, he joined Pomni on the bed and settled to watch TV. He held her close with an arm over her shoulders. She leaned on him but had to blow her nose often to not drip nose goo on him.

Despite Pomni being sick, being with her and relaxing after a long day was the best thing in the world to Caine.

[vercopaanir]

Hew-wee.

Honestly, I barely remember how to work Tumblr. I fear my posts will look like GARBAGE, but we'll see if I can get back into it.

I don't want to bore anyone with mindless chatter. Life has been landing haymakers for the past...two years? What is TIME. New job, a surgery, lost 95 pounds, a parent was diagnosed with cancer, same parent finished treatment, a wind storm tore our house up in August and we just got it renovated last week, endless cycles of clinical depressive episodes - honestly this year has been kind of a blur. But the whole time, I'm still hanging on to TLM. 🥹✊🏻

I don't want to make promises or give anyone some kind of timeline. I've broken so many of those to y'all and to myself. That being said, with the announcement of the movie, I'm feeling a renewed encouragement to keep going, and to make time for writing more routinely. With my dear loved one's help, we've been doing writing sprints (specific Mando related), and it has helped like you wouldn't believe!

For everyone who's sent me messages, comments, and even just positive vibes - thank you so, so much. I may not respond, but believe me when I say that I do read them all. I cherish every single one.

I hope you all have been able to find joy and comfort this holiday season, alone or with friends or family. I appreciate this space as a place of kindness and of happiness, and that's all because of how lovely you are. Thank you, always. 🩷

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for holding money my parents owe me over their heads?

I (21) live with my mom (53F), stepdad (52M), and two siblings (15M), (23M). Recently they’ve been pushing me to get a job despite previous conversations we’ve had, and I want to tell them that they can push me to get a job after they pay me back all the money they owe me, but I think I might be the asshole if I do.

For background context, I have had severe chronic health issues since 2014 and mental health issues since a really young age. They are diagnosed but I don’t want to get into it rn. The heart issues, chronic pain, and fatigue makes it really difficult for me to even take care of myself and I almost never leave the house.

I applied for SSI in 2021 and was denied for the first time and appeal before it was sent to hearing stage and an ALJ, and just last week I received the letter stating that I had been denied again.

When the letter came saying that I was denied I was very upset, mostly very angry. I showed the letter to my mom and I asked for her opinion, and she said that she thought “there isn’t enough here” that “you should just give it up” and “I heard [local grocery store] is letting cashiers sit on stools now.”

Just the next day I mentioned to my parents that I had been looking at some jobs and found one specifically that I felt I might be able to do a few 4hr shifts of a week. They were enthusiastic until I mentioned the “a few 4hr shifts” part, where they then pressed me to do 8hr shifts saying “you’re not even going to try?” even as I told them that I can barely stay awake more than a few hours at a time. I tried to explain to them that even if I could keep the job indefinitely (unlikely) doing too many or too long shifts would burn me out quickly and make it harder to get another job if I got fired from that one (likely) and they just got angry and were mocking me.

Here’s where the WIBTA comes into play. I don’t want to burn myself out when we can still appeal the decision, and I’m not even the only one in this household who doesn’t work. I get tips every so often for my writing/art and donations, and every cent always ends up going to them for food and gas and bills, even if I’m trying to save. After a few years they owe me somewhere upwards of $1000, I stopped keeping track after it hit that. I never ask for my money back and never hold it over their heads, but now I want to.

I was going to try to keep a job while I wait for this appeal because I really do want to help, but now I feel like whatever I do is never going to be enough and they’re always going to be pushing for more.

Would it be a dick move to tell my parents that they can push me to get a job when they pay me back what they owe me?

What are these acronyms?

[bullet-prooflove]

Goodbye Sam: Sam Abrams x Reader

Tagging: @kmc1989 @caffeinatedwoman @maryelizabeth13 @toasted-stiletto @district447

Companion piece to:

Divorce!Series:

Part One: The Fight Before Christmas - You and Sam get into a fight after he discovers you've been keeping a secret from him.

Part Two: Should Have - There's a lot of things Sam should have done.

Part Three: Fraught - Sam makes a decision regarding your relationship.

Part Four: Sign Here - Sam serves you with divorce papers.

Part Five: Don't Look Back - After running into you at the hospital Sam tries to convince himself not to look back.

Part Six: Lost - You and Sam reaquaint the day the divorce comes through.

Part Seven: Martial Affairs - There's debate regarding yours and Sam's status.

Part Eight: The Fall - Sam and you end up back where you started before the divorce.

Part Nine: Couples Counselling - Sam and you start to date again after couple's counselling.

Part Ten: Mrs. Fuckin' Polite - Sam walks into a nightmare when he comes home one night.

It’s Sam’s last night in Chicago and you’ve both tried to make it as perfect as possible. Dinner at Orphino’s, a moonlit walk through the park with gelato from ‘The Little Italian Place’ just like on the night the two of you met. It seems fitting that it circles back like this. It’s how your marriage started, now it’s how it ends.

You find yourself back at the house you once shared, Sam undressing you in the illumination of the candlelight, Etta James serenading you in the background. He takes his time loving you, his lips exploring every single inch of bare skin before you climax on his tongue. He’ll never get tired of that taste, he’s going to miss it when he’s gone. You’re flushed and overwrought by the time he enters you, your fingers entwining as his mouth covers yours, drinking down your pleasure.

The two of you move together in the flickering light, the ecstasy building into a crescendo as you tighten underneath him.

“I love you.” He whispers at the height of it all because he knows he won’t get to say it again. He stays for as long as he can in the aftermath, his thumb ghosting over your cheek as he lays tangled up in you.

“I’m going to miss this.” He whispers against your lips “I’m going to miss you.”

You fall asleep wrapped up in one another until his phone chimes a couple of hours later rousing you, reminding him of his flight. He dresses in the glow from the burnt down candles as you drape your robe over your naked form. Your fingers interlink with his as you walk him to the door, his suitcase already perched alongside of it, waiting.

“So this is goodbye.” You say quietly as he lingers and Sam swallows hard against the well of emotion in his chest.

“Yea.” He whispers, his forehead coming to rest upon yours. “Elle I…”

There are so many things he wants to say but all of them are redundant because in the end it all comes down to this.

He has to go and you have to stay.

After Lucy’s rapist Marcus Croyton had been released back into the wild, the fear of running into him, of it happening again became too much. She suffered a break down and was now recovering in a facility in New York, where she could be close to her mother. Sam had dropped everything immediately, taking a sabbatical to support her before he’d made the decision to relocate, taking a position in Mount Sinai Hospital.

“I know I can’t ask you to come with me.” He’d told you, his hand clasping your hand tightly in his over dinner one evening. “You need to be here for your patients, for your mother…”

She’d been diagnosed with Parkinson’s a few months before, she was rapidly declining and you needed to be here to help her manage the condition.

“And you need to be with your daughter.” You’d finished, squeezing his hand in solidarity. “It’s ok Sam, I understand.”

You do and that’s one of the reasons that Sam loves you, because you support him with the hard choices, even when they break both of your hearts.

“Goodbye Elle.” He whispers as he kisses you one last time.

“Goodbye Sam.” You say as you open the door and watch the man you love walk away for good.

Love Sam? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[raccoonfallsharder]

hello, friends! i wanted to give you a quick update. i am certainly on the mend right now. i feel better than i have in probably a week or more, and though i am still not clear of pneumonia and all its complications in my life lol, i am hoping to be almost completely back to normal by the end of this week, if all goes well.

i also wanted to thank you all for your kindness and also your threats and affectionate insults. thank you, so much, for caring. the world can be a hard place to live, and we are encouraged in so many ways to live these small atomized lives. but no matter how tenuous or fleeting our internet-interactions are, they are still real, and i appreciate you reaching out to tell me to rest, and to send me your well-wishes. it truly does mean so much, not only as a moment of connection, but also as a reminder of how well people can care for each other, even those they barely know or never met. you all inspire and uplift me, and i am grateful for it.

for those of you more curious about the details (and the absolutely absurdity of my friday night this week), you can read on. i tend to fall into irreverent medical narrative monologuing (as i do with everything else lol) but i will try to keep it brief.

content warnings for doctors, medical stuff, pain and illness, emergencies, and hospitals.

here's the basic timeline of my week lol:

on tuesday, i got really sick. i tend to not have a lot of normal symptoms for things (i have only had a fever once in my life, and it was NOT the time i had appendicitis, a ruptured intestine, or kidney stones), and figuring out when i don't feel well takes a lot of conscious effort on my part. plus i gaslight myself hard. these are all things i'm working on and have gotten a lot better at - which is probably the only reason why i went to urgent care instead of convincing myself this was "just a flu" and trying to take care of myself at home. i had been having side pain as well, which i had attributed to a pulled muscle, but something in me was afraid i had maybe done something else and caused an injury that got infected or something. i don't know, it just felt connected.

urgent care diagnosed me with probable pneumonia (they couldn't find it with the stethoscope, but they were confident it was there) and started treating that. they believed the strained muscle was not related but told me to come back on friday with an x-ray if my other symptoms didn't improve.

on friday morning, we went to get an x-ray done at 7am and hit up urgentcare on the way back. the x-ray said i was clear on pneumonia, but my cough was worse and my nausea had returned (no fever anymore though, thank goodness). my muscle pain in my back was also so much worse, presumably because of all my coughing, so they gave me some meds for my lungs and for my muscle pain.

now we get to friday evening, probably 5pm. i have a coughing fit with an unsupported back - and i scream. i think i blacked out for a second. my partner came in running. i couldn't move. i've never been in so much pain in my life, and i have a stupid-high pain tolerance. (this is another part of my issue with figuring out when i don't feel well). at this point, the pain had suddenly migrated. it felt like it was grinding down through my flank and into my groin. the location felt very similar to a kidney stone but it was unlike anything i had ever experienced before. i was sweating, trying to walk to the car and then up through the hospital doors. the guard at the front was like "get this woman a wheelchair" lollol.

it was a pretty crowded night so when we were admitted, we were stuck in the hall, which was fine by me. the doctors and nurses were all lovely (my partner believes we were the favorites on the floor because we are very easy-going and also funny lol. i think he has a slightly-inflated view of us but whatever, one of us is wrong and i'm happy if it's me). anyway, the med staff all seemed to think - like me - that perhaps all my symptoms had actually been a kidney stone, and that it was the cough that was unrelated, rather than the muscle pain. so eventually i go back a CT. The scan comes back an hour or so later and, surprise, it is still pneumonia (of course it was able to pick up what an x-ray couldn't). What it also noticed is that the pneumonia had inflamed my entire diaphragm. i do not remember learning much about the diaphragm in school but i knew from logic that it had something to do with respiration because of my choir- and stage-inclined friends. but it does a lot of other things as well (like puppeteering the bladder) and impacts a lot of systems and also, apparently, causes a lot of fucking pain when inflamed.

so. they had already given me some pretty hefty anti-inflammatories. they tell me they'd actually like to replace the seven other drugs the urgent care doctors have me on with one different one. it should totally knock out the pneumonia, especially since i will be starting with a full course of the medication after already tackling the pneumonia with the other antibiotics since tuesday. this sounds great to me, and i say sure. they give me the new drug and discharge me, more quickly than i have ever seen a discharge take place, and i was on my way - already feeling better than i had in days thanks to the antiinflammatory they'd given me before.

here's where the night gets spicy

we get in the car, i'm feeling better than i have in days, it's all good. we hit the freeway and i'm like. huh. my face feels funny.

my partner's like.... what.

i'm like, i don't know? my face feels funny? not itchy or anything, but like.... weird?

he says, should we go back?

i'm like... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i genuinely cannot identify this sensation.

then something switches, and i'm like... oh yeah, okay. my mouth and face all feel like... not itchy, but fuzzy. staticky. and while i have not had this kind of reaction before (like everything else, my allergies show up weirdly), i have heard about it. so i say, yeah.... i think we should go back. my throat's a little tight, but there's no swelling on my face, no hives - because again, i am weirdly symptomatic. and because i'm aces at gaslighting myself, i say, maybe i'm overreacting?

which is when i realize that at some point, my partner has called 911. i answer some questions but it's definitely hard to keep my eyes open. and then the car is pulled over, and there are EMTs. and my partner tells them i've been passing out at thirty second intervals. i tell them i'm just being a drama queen and i'm probably overreacting. they apparently think that's some bullshit and i get my very first ambulance ride. i'm phasing in and out - pretty badly hypotensive with really low blood pressure, but still - no visible swelling. my throat is tight enough that my voice sounds like that of a ninety-year-old who's been smoking four packs a day her entire life, but there's nothing they can SEE, other than that i'm "cold and clammy" (rude, lol). still, they stick me with epinephrine and give me some O2 and take me right back to where i come from.

one of the nurses from earlier sees me being wheeled in (to a room, this time - no hallways for repeat customers, i guess) and she is like, "NO! miss dae! why are you back?!!" and i say, "because i missed you. and i wanted the room upgrade."

and then i start giggling hysterically.

and the registering nurse asks me if i consent to have my insurance billed and i say, "FUCK YEAH. fuck those guys" and giggle some more. i don't know if that was the epinephrine or just pure delirium at that point.

then i start crying because i feel so bad about coming back, again. all my self-gaslighting really coming out to the forefront. and they're like, NO, you did absolutely what you should have done, don't be silly.

they get me all settled and are shooting me up with a ton of antihistamines, and finally let me partner back, and my voice still sounds like rocks going through a meat grinder but you know what? you know what antihistimines do? THEY DECREASE INFLAMMATION. so my diaphragm is feeling better than it has in like, a week.

my doctor from earlier comes in, and he clearly felt so bad about everything. he tells me to return to my previous course of drugs, and puts this one in my file as another allergen. after about an hour of fluids and watching me, they release us. we get home at 3:30am and crawl into bed, safe as houses.

now, i can't really say "the end." the pneumonia's not gone yet, and i still have some ongoing pain from my diaphragm. additionally, a coughing fit that happened later that night does seem to have damaged an old surgery site (probably because of the diaphragm muscle, actually), so i need to get that checked out this week too. BUT. i am feeling so much better than i have all week. i am privileged to have decent insurance and while we do have to live pretty frugally, we make ends meet. we're lucky that we will be able to take care of these bills when they come.

and honestly? that shit is FUNNY. (i mean, for me. definitely not for my poor partner who probably lost twenty-seven years off his life; pray for him). i can't wait to really perfect the way i tell this story because it's HILARIOUS. like. what the fuck

anyway if you actually read all this, first of all, wow. second of all. i appreciate you. thank you for worrying about me, for wondering about me, and for caring in general. i'm so grateful, and i hope that you have everything you need, today and every day moving forward.

[covid-safer-hotties]

Also preserved on our archive

by Louis Corbett

Hundreds of thousands of people have been affected by long covid but it's still widely misunderstood

Covid may seem like a thing of the past for many of us, a nightmare we left behind at the start of the decade, but for some, it never ended. Long covid affects hundreds of thousands of people in the UK, including many who only had a mild case of the virus.

Officially the illness affects about two million people in the UK but some, including researcher Mark Faghy, argue that figure isn't accurate and that the real scale of the problem has been “swept under the rug”. Sarah Barley-McMullen, 54, originally from Derbyshire has been living with the illness since 2021.

After having mild symptoms when she was first diagnosed, she thought she could carry on living like normal. Then she lost her voice and started suffering from hearing loss, chronic fatigue and the inability to cry.

Sarah has had to start using a walker to get around and wears a mask in public to ensure she doesn't catch covid again. Her particular case continues to evolve, with more symptoms that are changing her life year on year.

It all means that Sarah is unable to work at her high-level academic job at the University of Derby. She said: “I was never hospitalised, so I stayed at home because I wasn’t that Ill, but then I never got better. My hearing got worse, I started to lose my voice and I made an appointment with the GP and they said to keep an eye on it.

“It started to severely affect my mental health, I am such an extroverted person and I loved my job but I just couldn't do it. Then after months I got back in touch with the GP and they realised I sounded Ill so they took me in and found I had a partially collapsed lung.

“I was a senior academic and the University of Derby was great, but I found that I had chronic fatigue. For example, I would have a meeting with someone one day and then be completely wiped out the next. It has completely flipped my life upside down.”

Since then Sarah has taken medical retirement and been included in a national study of the condition, working with academics to research and understand it. Sarah has urged the general public to keep testing because covid may still impact vulnerable people.

Professor Mark Faghy, a clinical exercise science expert at the University of Derby, has been working closely with Sarah and a number of other patients. He said: “It's such a broad condition, with over 200 different symptoms so it’s really hard to pinpoint and sum up.

“Unfortunately it’s an inconvenience to people, when you look at the numbers people don’t put that into context, two million people in the UK have this condition, but if you put it into everyday context it is one in thirty. You could fill every single football stadium in the UK with people suffering from long covid. That is the reality but people don’t want to talk about it.

Sarah continued: “I got Covid again in January and it left me with an auto-immune disease, all my joints are painful and I can barely move. People don’t understand that it's a vascular disease, you have mild symptoms like a bad cold or flu but if you have a weakened immune system then it will affect different organs.

"Long covid happens when you ignore covid and don’t rest, you don’t allow your body to catch up and then you develop these conditions. The pandemic is far from over. ”

[madamspellmans-met-tet]

Watching the fireworks and all I can think about is:

“But upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky” — LDR, Ride Monologue

A year ago, I was still in medschool. Already ill, but still studying 12 hours a day for my board exam while I was at my fiancée’s. It was the first NYE in years that I didn’t feel alone. I was with the woman I loved and her beautiful children and lovely family. It was the happiest winter I’ve had in a long, long time, despite all that was going on.

I wanted to be a doctor. A better one than those that had taken a year to diagnose what I already knew I had only to then tell me “there’s nothing more we can do for you.”

Now I stand before the debris of everything that I was. I barely recognise myself. I barely believe that I still exist.

A couple of years ago, I had started medschool, and I was doing well there, I was passionate and it was where I belonged. Spent days in the biochem lab or the dissecting hall and came home late to write my silly fanfiction. I’d even sometimes write them at medschool between lectures or on the train. I did my art, played instruments, sang, edited, filmed silly thirst traps and so on. Then I met my girlfriend and I was happy. It was the peak of my life, I’d thought.

And then, thanks to the negligence of my former doctor and genetics, the illnesses that I’d unknowingly had all my life, got so much worse and ultimately left me bedridden and with barely any quality of life. I had to quit medschool/request a break due to illness, which was approved.

I can’t stand for more than 5 minutes without threatening to pass out. Can’t sit for more than an hour and stay focused, lose my train of thought when I stand up. Need an hour in the morning before I can halfway safely get up, three before I can function. I need help washing my hair, doing chores and cooking and can’t really leave my house. My joints subluxate multiple times a day and I get awful nerve pain when in a flare. I can’t take a bath or shower without ending up on the floor as soon as I get out with a pulse of 150 bpm. It all makes me feel incredibly unattractive. I’m pale, my skin is dry and flaky, my eyes have dark circles, my lips are chapped, and I’m using a cane.

I feel ugly.

My writing has slowed down dramatically but it’s the only thing I can still do somewhat decently and I’m being evaluated for disability. My brain, that has been the only thing I could rely on all my life, is forsaking me. It’s demanding to be fed like it used to when it was still a sponge, but when I feed it, it gets too much. And so I’m perpetually bored and overwhelmed at the same time.

I wanted to be a doctor and a writer.

And even though I’m still aiming to try publishing, I’m not sure I have enough energy to do it. I was supposed to get married in 2025. Now I have to attend my best friend’s wedding on my own. And I know it’s my fault, because I got bitter and most of all, because I lost hope. And at the same time, it’s not my fault.

The truth is, I don’t know how many more years I can live on 10% of what I used to be and I don’t want anyone to have to go through this with me. I’m not going to do anything stupid anytime soon. But I can’t do this forever if there is no treatment or hope for improvement on the horizon.

And as always when my life goes to shit, I got attached to another actress more than twice my age. And Patti is keeping me afloat right now. She’s so full of life that I can’t help but feel a little alive as well.

“But upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky” — LDR, Ride Monologue

Happy New Year.

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s6 episode 9 thoughts

still giggling and kicking my feet after last episode…

but i need to lock in this evening, because it seems that skinner is in grave danger this episode. from a MYSTERIOUS DISEASE. these things KEEP happening. how many secret diseases can be developed in one universe? what did he get into this time?!!! how are the agents going to hear about this?!! because i don’t think they are even allowed to talk to him!! and how will they save him?!

we must dive in to find out, but i assume that the msr pre-relationship honeymoon is over… for now. maybe they can pick it up another day. 

post-episode thoughts: i need to put the skinner and mulder/scully dynamic in a blender and drink it like a shot. scully grabbing his hand... mulder actually calling him sir...

i need to go sit down, bro. i need to pontificate.

we are in a hospital with skinner. “what’s wrong with him is he’s going to die”, says this doctor. OH!!!

wait… agent scully is his emergency contact… oh my god… hold on… i need a minute for this…

(author's note: after watching the episode, i don't think she is actually his emergency contact, but at the TIME, i, the viewer, had no way of knowing that she had been the one to accurately diagnose his problem and propose treatment, and was therefore who the doctor wanted to contact- a side effect of starting the episode in media res. still! that world where i imagined she was his emergency contact was so alluring, i want to retain the brief time i spent there for historical accuracy)

AUGH. HE IS PULSATING……. NASTY!!! NASTY and VILE!!! poor sweet man. but that is disgusting.

i repeat my grounding mantra: shoutout to the props and makeup team.

bleughhhhh… this one might be rough for me, if such grossness levels continue.

skinner’s whispering!!! he says a name and then flatlines!!

why won’t the doctor shock him back to life…. she says to let him go??????????????

is this ethically allowed? i mean, did it say in his file “DNR”, or did he whisper “DNR” or something? but like, he said a name, and DNR is not a name. so. why aren't they reviving him?

man… dr. cabrera… i’m suspicious.

shortened intro: i will never grow used to you.

skinner is narrating!!! IS HE REALLY GONNA DIE??? I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT!!!! he says this is the course he chose. defending a center which cannot hold. so death chose for him.

THEY’RE COVERING HIM WITH A SHEET???????

WHAT!!!!!!!

is this a contract thing… like he’s barely been here this season, did he need out of the contract, so they killed him off…….?

i don't want that, man. we don't need that.

okay. jump back 24 hours in time. he is going to box!!! skinner is pummeling this guy named dre, but it seems dre gets some good shots in. that, or skinner is starting to die early on.

ah! he is all dizzy and gets knocked right out!!! so they take him to the hospital and he eventually comes to. 

why is he getting a creepy robot call saying “it’s in you”…? it says he has 24 hours. “you are already dead” 

WHO FROM THE GYM IS TRYING TO KILL HIM????

or is it this doctor plant gentleman tending to him who is behind this…?

dr. plant says there is nothing wrong with him except the bruise on his ribs that skinner does not remember getting. i guess he did get knocked around pretty well, but i feel like he would remember a massive rib bruise

mulder is tossing pencils at his desk!! why is he still in the office at 10 at night?? he must not want to go home. but skinner is here, too. spread out on the couch with his shirt barely on.

“what is it, agent mulder?”, skinner asks. and mulder has some tact for once, and does not point out that he looks like he’s dying, choosing instead to settle on “just thought i’d poke my head in and say hey”. a very even statement to make in such a situation.

mulder jokes about him having a hangover, and skinner says he couldn’t see and probably shouldn’t drive. which gets mulder to ask “you going to be alright, sir?” <- OH! the sir. they’re always in some weird power struggle... but now he called him sir. 

mulder calls scully down at 11:09 pm, and i know she was probably like "wtf does he need me for at this hour..."

all the lights are out because his eyes hurt, so mulder angles a desk lamp so she can examine his bruise which is just. so. AUGH. to me. i cannot place it. 

there's something deeply intimate about your beloved agent 1 getting you settled in the dark to accommodate for your pain, and then dangling a desk lamp so beloved agent 2 can examine your mystery wounds. while you lay there. in agony.

his bruise has white lines through it- OH!!! GROSS! he grunts when scully touches it, and mulder tells her about the mysterious phone call warning of his imminent death

scully is NOT going to let him sit up. YEAH! you tell him, doctor!

ooooo... mulder thinks there could be a conspiracy, and skinner hits him with a “oh, this is about you” <- low blow, buddy!! “you are so PARANOID, mulder” and historically he has had reasons to be!

scully points out that while THEY may not be on the x files, he still is. and he is therefore a target of the wrath of mystery syndicate men.

skinner does not want to answer their questions. and they want to ask very detailed questions.

mulder seeks clarification that he woke up alone... i see he did not figure things out with the wife. yet. there is still time. of course, unless he actually WILL die.

oh! but their questions are leading to him remember something!!

he recalls being grabbed in the hall by a guy who wanted to know what time it was…. so they find him on the security footage!!

scully recognizes him!! his name is dr. kenneth orgel, and he’s a physicist!! yeah, she would know the famous physicists, lmao <3 (said with SO much love)

scully says he should lay down, but skinner needs revenge. well. you have two people at your disposal right here that are more than capable of helping you get revenge AND answers! so lay down.

skinner and mulder go to dr. orgel’s house… oooo…. he says he doesn’t know who skinner is. and he denies coming to see him earlier. and then shuts the door in their faces!!

mulder whips out his gun and tells skinner to go around back LMAOOO oh, he is not messing around!!!!

noooo!!! there are guys in there!!!! they take dr. orgel away!!! and they shoot after mulder!!! he manages to grab one of them, but dr. orgel gets taken away by the others.

meanwhile, skinner is getting worse and worse, and now his veins are getting all horrible while he’s hurt on the floor of dr. orgel's place!!

the dude they captured is speaking arabic, but he has diplomatic papers, so skinner says to let him go. he’s from tunisia, and his name is lazreg. hmm...

mulder says skinner needs to get to a hospital, but he refuses to listen!!!

scully is talking with dr. plant, who saw skinner in the hospital earlier. he doesn’t want her to have access to his blood samples without skinner's written consent, but she says we don’t have time and gets in there anyway, LMAO.

i love when she breaks the rules. because she loves the rules. but she also knows that sometimes we simply need to trample all over them to keep people from dying. and i admire that about her.

the blood… it’s… separating??? augh.

mulder is going through dr. orgel’s stuff, trying to find clues. oh… he finds a photo of him with a senator???

hospital updates: someone put pure carbon into skinner’s blood??? and it’s killing him somehow?! this seems to baffle scully and dr. plant alike. it’s multiplying!!! these little things in the blood are multiplying!!!!

mulder is going to visit the senator… is this the same senator he would visit in s2?? and we never got any answers as to what they were doing??

ohhh, the picture of the senator and dr. orgel was them holding a senate resolution- s.r. 819. aha! they said the episode title!! 

he says it’s a funding bill for the world health organization, and mulder says well, it’s gonna kill my friend!

yes, it is the senator he used to visit!!! he tries to tell him to get lost!! “my intention is to save lives, fox, but i can’t save his”

so he somehow secured a ton of funding for the WHO in exchange for killing skinner?? EVIL!

who is this freak………

you cannot deter mulder for long, even if you show him out of your house. 

skinner is following one of the other dudes into some diplomatic area, but he is still getting worse and worse!! his veins are all blue now!!! and someone shoots!!!

but skinner dodges!!! HAHA! yes!!! he gets out and shoots back at this tunisian diplomat!!! 

but his vision is getting all blurry and he’s stumbling!!!

YEAHHHHHHHH, someone hits the other guy with a car!!!!! is it mulder????? no, not mulder with the well-timed vehicular manslaughter, although that would have been interesting. but skinner falls down!!!!!! he totally collapses!!

scully is still analyzing his mystery blood. she found something!!! it’s creating a matrix!! multiplying and building dams in the vascular system!!!!

this is not good.

news comes in that skinner has been taken to a different hospital, and scully heads out to go find him.

augh… he is so blue…. are they going to cut his arm off???!

scully bursts in!!! they try to kick her out, but she cannot be scolded in this manner!! and they DO want to cut off both of his arms!!

“who the hell IS this woman?” <- you watch how you talk about MEDICAL DOCTOR SPECIAL AGENT SCULLY!!

she says that cutting his arms off won’t do a damn thing, and you had best get a scope into him NOW!

“look, if you want to save this man, listen to what i’m saying!” <-YEAHHHH!!!!! you better tell them!!

assertive doctor scully, you are so important to me

ohhh... he’s stirring awake, and she’s telling him it’ll be okay, and that mulder is figuring out who did this to him, and “we’re going to take good care of you, i promise, we’re going to do everything we can” OHHHHHHHHH…….

man… whenever they’re at each other’s hospital beds, i feel secret emotions. getting throwbacks to him visiting her after her cancer went into remission...... and her following him into the ambulance after that other dude tried to kill him... man...

the next morning, there is a weird noise in skinner’s office. it's mulder! he is going through all of his stuff!! he explains to skinner's secretary that the boss has been poisoned, and then rips open the classified envelope on her desk. i hope there are no legal consequences to this.

back at the hospital, scully is in red scrubs. she looks really nice in red scrubs. it makes me wonder, why are most other scrubs blue, but she gets these beautiful red ones? did she have them on hand? did she borrow some extra ones from the hospital? have we ever seen her in red scrubs before? is red her color?

and mulder is here…. she says there’s nothing they can do to help skinner, except keep cutting open his arteries (GAG) but! her eyes are so blue...

trying hard not to let her face distract me from the plot at hand, but it's difficult.

ohhhh… the bill was going to be voted on by the senate, but it needed skinner’s review and an analysis by dr. orgel… so did they just kill him to speed up the process??? because they knew he would shoot it down?

mulder thinks orgel came to tell skinner about the violation of export laws involving new technology.

“you know what that means?” “well, i think i might” 

... aliens? alien bee virus?

phone call time… it’s the electronic voice on skinner's cell!! saying they can’t stop it!! your time is almost up!! so it has to be someone in the hospital making the call!!!

mulder sees someone typing into this pad sort of thing… and he runs after the guy with the long hair!!! he pulls out his gun!!! and runs into the parking lot!!!

he nearly shoots a nurse in his hunt for this dude with the weird pad thingy, and then makes an effort to appear non-threatening. which was kinda cute. when a car pulls out. and it crashes somewhere?? but the dude driving it got away!!!

the senator gets a phone call!! saying the bill is in danger!! it’s the guy with the long hair who was typing on the pad thingy on the other end of the phone!! saying that dr. orgel believes his threats!! he says he can tell him where to find him???

what is this dude's end goal...?

they found hairs from a wig inside the car, which prompts a smartass remark from mulder. and tons of PCBs on the tires. maybe from an old power plant?

oooo, the senator is also rolling up to a power plant. he looks so out of place in his prim and proper coat while the pigeons fly in his face in this abandoned facility. and he finds dr. orgel on a cot!!! he also looks very very very sick with blue veins! 

dr. orgel says he needs water, but the guy who has the pad is turning up some sort of level thing, and he starts screaming!!! his pad says “orgel active”

woah, is this like a remote control disease?

scully comes in to talk to skinner…. she wants to try filtering all of the blood in his body, and lets him know that this is a risky procedure. OH... HE SAYS “I’M IN YOUR HANDS” OHHHH…

the surrender of it all... resting in the knowledge that she knows what she is doing... the total trust. wow...

“i think i owe you an apology, scully. you and mulder. i’ve been lying here, thinking… your quests… it should have been mine” “what do you mean?” “if i die now, i die in vain. i have nothing to show for myself. my life” “sir, you know that’s not true” “it is. i can see now that… i always played it safe. i wouldn’t take sides. wouldn’t let you and mulder…. pull me in” “you’ve been our ally more times than i can say” “not the kind of ally that i could’ve been” 

OH!!!! hang on....... he, too, is consumed by the Guilt... we knew he had Guilt re: Vietnam and past violence, but that he feels he could have done more for the agents is new information... especially since he was the one that made the deal with CSM to try and get scully saved...

but since mulder ended up being told about the chip thingy, maybe he feels like he didn't save the day and instead was tricked into doing CSM's dirty work... and he must think that he could have tried to argue for keeping them on the x files back in the first episode of s6, but he didn't... i'm emo.

she grabs his hands……. and he says he remembers!!!! he remembers the guy’s face!! he was at the gym!! and the hospital!! and he hit that diplomat guy with the car!! and he was there at the office when dr. orgel grabbed his arm!! the long-haired guy with the pad!! he’s on the tape!!

mulder arrives to the power plant and finds the senator’s car there…. hi, pigeons, you are so beautiful, but we have a problem at hand. mulder is strutting in…. but someone watches…. yeah, hold that little gun out, mulder. i love your little gun.

the senator announces that orgel is dead, and what he knows died with him.

OHHH YEAH!! SOME MULDER VIOLENCE!!! ROUGH THAT MAN UP!!

he is talking about nanotechnology… machines….��other words...

mulder says he will stop this AND expose the senator!!! but he keeps yelling that it’s too late.

don't test that man. he loves a righteous crusade.

which brings us back to the beginning of the episode, where dr. cabrera won’t shock skinner….. why do they just listen to her??? and not even try to fight her to save him??? 

the dude with the long hair and the pad is right outside, and he turns the settings back to 0…. and skinner comes back alive. who is this dude?!?

three weeks later, scully tells skinner his prognosis is excellent!!! and scully found the long-haired pad guy on the video tapes!! but skinner cannot identify him.

good news, though: the bill was withdrawn without explanation. so no WHO funding to install some other murder pads across the world

whoever this mystery long-haired pad man was, he killed one of his own to save skinner… so mulder still thinks it’s about the x files. mulder would need skinner's authority to keep investigating. 

but he says no!! scully is not pleased. they look scared and surprised to hear this. she must be mentally thinking "sir, this contradicts your deathbed statements"

where is skinner going now…? to his car… a likely place for a guy to go after work, but the music is scary, so i don’t think that’s where the story will end 

KRYCEK???? IN THE CAR?? he says he can push the button at anytime??? and skinner has been EXPECTING him??

he gets out of the car and leaves???

THE END?

so somehow, krycek has the technology that can restart his nanotechnology disease?

wait. WAS krycek the bearded guy? hold on. i have to go back. 

YES. he was. i paused at strategic times and noticed that was, in fact, his face. and then i guess he shaved down his face and took off his long wig, which must be why skinner denied being able to recognize him!! to keep the agents safe?? is that his goal!? 

man. KRYCEK!!! the rat bastard….

oh, i bet the eagle-eyed fans knew it was krycek the whole time and were not shocked at this reveal. maybe they even had seen leaked scripts or set photos and therefore knew it was him. but in my defense, i don't pay too much attention to the background characters, nor could i ever imagine a BEARDED and LONG-HAIRED krycek!! his whole thing is being pretty in a prep-school sort of way!!

well, if you did see this coming, feel free to tell me what a fool i am. or you can tell me you also didn't notice, which would make me feel better. they didn't even put his name in the front credits! they hid it in the back! they were committed to tricking me!!

ohhh, this episode was pretty darn good!! i LOVE skinner and mulder/scully angst. it’s just soOoooooooOoo delicious. i still can’t articulate exactly what it is that drives me so crazy. but it DOES.

it's something about the way they would die and kill for each other. the way the lines get really blurred between "this man is my boss" and "this man is like a father or uncle to me" and "this man is sometimes actively withholding information from me that will keep me from finding the answers i need" and just when you think he'll do one thing, he'll do the other. MMM! delicious.

krycek… i was wondering when we were going to get back to him and his schemes. these episodes have been pretty good in quality throughout s6, but i’m lacking an overall vision or build up to a bigger plot, unless there is something between the lines i'm missing, which wouldn't really be that surprising.

we often get a lot of one-off episodes and then a two-parter with way too much going on at once, though, so this isn't particularly surprising, and i'm not sure why it feels like we know even less than every other season. probably because we are coming off of SO much being explained to us after fight the future in the way it usually never is, AND so many new questions being raised by the same movie. so now it's kinda like... are they going to get to that ever?? or just leave us wondering??

but: someone krycek is involved with is putting a secret technology disease inside of skinner. and then preventing him from dying?? who is he working with? and for what goal?

and krycek wasn't even IN the movie!! so what does he have to do with all of that?

wait! the diplomats in this episode were from tunisia… we saw CSM with the new (?) alien virus bee farm in tunisia at the end of FTF… so maybe the nanotechnology is somehow derived from the alien virus spread by bees? even though the symptoms were different? no chest alien births this time around

the dots aren’t connecting per se, but i am at least recognizing the presence of dots.

tbh, i have no real predictions as to what is going to happen next in terms of mytharc stuff. because we still have diana and spender on the x files, and kersh thwarting the every move of our beloved agents!! how can they even do anything about the plot?? just keep sneaking around?

part of me wonders if kersh is actually an ally who is just really selling his performance as an enemy. but we also did see him with CSM that time in triangle, so it’s hard to say. but then again, i guess we also did see skinner with CSM every now and again. but, if kersh WAS an ally, wouldn't skinner feel less guilty about having them switched over to his jurisdiction? hmm… unless he's a secret ally, unbeknownst to even skinner.

and now, skinner decided that death chose for him where he will stand, and he will (probably) get himself more involved in the x files, but he'll have to do it behind the scenes, because he knows that at any moment they could kill him... but of course, scully doesn't know this, so she thinks he just went back on his word... or maybe she thinks he has some sort of secret plan because they know each other pretty well by now....... HMMM...

well, i don’t have any theories beyond the ones i proposed a few episodes ago as to the source of mulder’s angst. maybe his angst is related to krycek and the plot?? somehow?? is he on some sort of secret mission?

idk!! idk!! we will simply have to stay tuned!!

[bluegekk0]

I've been in such an emotional slump lately. I fear that I upset my friends without realizing and now every interaction I feel like they're mad at me. It's like every time we chat I get the impression that they're annoyed with me, I keep thinking they're being sarcastic and trying to tell me to shut up in subtle ways, but I'm scared of asking cause what if I'm overreacting like I usually do? I just hate it so much. I feel like I'm such an exhausting person to be around and a little voice in the back of my mind keeps telling me it would be better for everyone if I distanced myself.

And I'm also fighting really hard against the idea that people in general are getting bored of me. I know engagement is not everything, I know that drawing for myself should be a priority. It makes me happy, and I draw what I love BECAUSE I love it. But it's so hard for me to not hope for validation and feedback when I've been compared to others all childhood. And it stings so much when a drawing I'm super happy with maybe doesn't perform as well as I hoped (at least compares to the number of people who follow me). I don't know if it's not reaching people here or if it's just getting too repetitive for people to care anymore. Or perhaps people see my self-reblogs as desperate and get discourages from interacting for that reason? Maybe they're right for that.

I've also been looking into and educating myself on the experiences of autistic individuals since I suspect I'm on the spectrum, and I do relate to many of them, plus every test I take indicates that I might be autistic. So in theory, self diagnosing would help, right? I could stop worrying that I'm broken somehow or a failure of an adult, and just accept that my brain simply works differently and maybe even be more kind to myself. That sounds good. But then the doubts keep creeping in. I don't remember if I showed any signs in my childhood, I barely remember anything from it. So what if I'm wrong, what if there were none, and I'm just overanalyzing symptoms or even faking them? How can I consider myself part of the community if there is a chance I shouldn't be there at all? What if I'm just lazy, what if I'm an introverted, anxious loser who put themselves in this situation by being incompetent at everything, now trying to find excuses?

I don't know. There's so many exhausting thoughts that have been dragging my mood down for the past few days. And I guess I'm just waiting for it to pass since I'm so scared of actually going out there and getting help.

Well, there goes another oversharing session. I usually feel bad talking about this with my friends cause I don't want to put them under the obligation to respond. And with how terrible I am at responding to their struggles (not that I don't care, I'm just so, so bad at responding to emotions and putting my thoughts into words that don't make me sound robotic) it often feels too one sided. So I guess this is a way for me to scream into the void and give people a choice if they want to ignore it or respond. I could just write it down in a diary or something, but part of me is hoping that maybe this experience resonates with someone and I'd feel less alone. Or maybe I'm simply just desperate for advice or validation that would feed my ego.

[invece-sto-sdraiato]

My experience of watching House MD with my mom (a government certified dermatologist):

It was surprisingly such a bonding experience for us, now that I think about it. It was kind of our thing. I would ask her many questions about the technical stuff (biology lover here) and she would explain all of it to me. There were so many days when we would just discuss whatever happened in an episode, for hours. She didn’t mind any of the malpractice stuff (compared to what happens in Indian hospitals sometimes, house barely scratches the surface)

And I used to get so….idk exasperated at house’s cynicism towards others, while she didn’t give a thought about it. This is a woman who is currently in an administrative position (Associate Professor, to be exact) and she’s told me about the absolute shit some of her colleagues/subordinates have given her. I mean, she’s seen it all. She’s probably met people like house.

Coming back to the technics, she used to talk admiringly about how (mostly) accurate the med stuff was, and how there’s a lot of research gone into the writing of the show. And house’s discussion with the others using a whiteboard. I think that was what really made her like this show. I’ll elaborate.

This happened today:

Mom: “Last week, I was asking my students about the different dermatological diagnoses they’ve encountered in recent cases. And then, I asked them if any of them had ever watched House.” (She occasionally teaches post-graduate med students)

Me: “Really? Uh…. you asked them if they’ve watched House…of all the possible medical dramas?”

Mom: *eye roll* “Anyways, some of them said yes. And then I explained, how their method of determining the differential diagnosis is quite useful. Listing it all on a whiteboard, you know, it helps to clearly see where you stand and how to further proceed from there. And House gives the others freedom to express their opinions and doubts.”

Dad, suddenly: “He’ll list all possible diagnoses, and there’s times even when he has to strike out all of them. But none of them show any frustration and they keep brainstorming until they find the correct one. That can be so useful in daily life, you know?”

Me: “huh, I suppose you’re right.”

Dad: “They’re using something known as the ‘first principle thinking’ in psychology. It means that you refrain from making assumptions, and you go right to the basics, to find a solution.”

So. Idk what to say now. Maybe just that I have a lot of good memories pertaining to House. But obviously, being the teenager that I am, I was very interested in the hilson side of things (even if those two are seriously fucked up) but I also loved watching House for the technical stuff and used to get pretty excited if I even knew a bit about whatever illness was in an episode (a nerd’s a nerd 😅) sorry for the long post.

[scarabjewels]

What Mad Girl Movies Taught Me:

Never Be Like Me

(Lessons From Helter Skelter and Black Swan)

Beauty and perfectionism has been ingrained to how we build our self identity, social acceptability and self worth. This just has to stop. So here I am, sharing my opinions and experience, in hopes that someone who is struggling the same way finds this and say " wow, I am enough. The world is just fucked up".

Let's get on to it as I dissect the moral lessons two beloved movies of mad women we can all learn from.

Helter Skelter: Beauty As A Trend is Never Achievable

I have noticed how fucked up body trends are, in all known genders yes, but especially the heterosexual ones.

It really is so fucked up how it is normal to treat the body like a moldable accessory, when it's literally what works hard keep you alive because it is you! In just a span of a decade from 2015 to 2024, the trends over body aesthetics is crazy. I can tell you that sexism and ingrained toxicity in social constructs are alive and maybe even so flourishing with globalisation, whilst civil wars are coexisting. It's crazy (but that's another conversation).

Lately, another wave of Heroin Chic is hitting the influencer network, this wave has been a long time coming, especially during and after the pandemic. People have been trying to get healthy, yes, but for the wrong reasons, so much so that people just try to look healthy when in fact they got there from the artificial place.

Just around mid-2010, big ass and a tiny waist were all the rage. Yes, it opened up the door to the body types acceptance but also glamorized it, too much. Then by 2020, healthy body figures became the rage again: abs, toned muscles and no fat. Interestingly, body positivity also came along with the trend, opening the new target audience in markets: the plus size. Here we are at mid 2020, where heroine chic came back, along with toned look. The influence of this trend came with the build of many celebrities losing weight, such as Kim Kardashian removing her buttlift, Christina Aguilera looking like she was in her early 20s again, Nikoavokado coming back with relatively a drastically changed body and many more.

I will be honest that I accidentally jumped into this trend train. I lost weight drastically in a span of 6 months, due to self harming habits. (Please be warned of the terms I am using to describe what happened to me, I did not get diagnosed, even when it is very obvious what is happening to me). Ever since I was younger, I unconsciously trained myself to not eat when I am upset which led to repercussions I am yet to recover from. My weight would fluctuate all the time as a teenager and even now as an adult, as I get upset for longer periods of time, and the stress of that period still stays even after I feel better. So my eating habits would have split days of completely normal times to eat or literally starving because I slept in the whole day, that is my journey right now which is actually quite better than before. I would be physically incapable of even digesting food properly, my stomach would reject just the thought of eating again, which would only happen if I try to eat outside of the house (very specific I know), yet I would eat just fine at home. I couldn't eat because it would literally hurt. It was the worst periods of my life honestly. I couldn't function well, I couldn't sleep , one time I fainted at work from extreme fatigue.

Needless to say, I lost too much weight. Not skin -bone, but a drastic comparison from before. I am not happy, I am not moving much, and I feel like I am not enough, because now I am developing body dysmorphia. I was fine when I was a little over weight, I am jolly, active and full of life (not all the time, but most is pretty good!) I moved a lot, I am talking about long walks and trekking, and it was just for FUN. I loved it. Now, I can barely move and at age 22, my bones would "pop" or "creak" just from an occasional stretch or kneeling.

Look at what happened to the patients of the clinic where Lilico and other people were obsessed with beauty. Suicide, because they couldn't afford to lose their new look. They would rather die beautiful than live. Lilico is fucked up in her own way, yet her actions' main motivation is because of the delicious power she has from her perfected beautiful appearance. Fame, a rich guy who is obsessed with her, money, easy manipulation of others. She wanted it all. She wants to be what everyone wants, and just from her monologues, you can tell she hated every single minute of it, especially in the manga. She treated herself like a perfect product no one should ever dare to one up, yet she knew she was just a product, that her market value will end eventually. That girl went bat shit crazy. She was addicted to the good stuff her socially praised beauty was. It is obviously not worth it!

Oh here is one too: ageism. Look, it is well and alive before so is today. The amount of males who told me women have a ticking clock of attractiveness is frustratingly high and even exists in younger generations. Age is the number of years you have been alive on this earth, not a set of intervals of attractiveness.

Like what the detective said: "Youth is beautiful but not inherently beauty". You know what you get with age? Wisdom, even more beauty, journeys of epics and living life to the fullest.

Look at the Golden Girls. If you ever have a chance to watch that show, you find that dating at an older age is great and sometimes rocky, like any type of dating. Their age in that show is supposed to be around 50 to 60, and they were ACTIVELY DATING. They even tackled the insecurities of being older, having wrinkles, a hanging stomach, and being unattractive, and it is always countered. It isn't true what they say, that you are attractive at only a certain age. Honestly, I prefer the type of dating in an older age. You MOSTLY know what you want from the other, and because you have gone through a lot already, it's faster to move on. Also, these ladies mostly dated men AROUND THEIR AGE. Now, this is important too. Males have told me that men just age better with time, and that's not true at all. It depends heavily on each individual, irregardless of age and gender. The Golden Girls dated handsome men, overweight men, men of different races and religions, average men, etc. They like to get to know the person (Blanch, though, is so hyperactive, so maybe not always getting to know them for who they are, but she does value traditional dating) because that is way more valuable than their looks.

Lilico didn't even like anyone, not even herself. Probably just her sister, she loves her but well she is Lilico so toxic af. Sex is not even making love to her, it's a business transaction, a tool for manipulation, and a means to an end. That's fucked up.

Let's this be a cautionary tale: achieving society's beauty will never be worth it.

I discussed said toxic beauty standards. Now, let's move one ahead with the toxicity of perfectionism.

Black Swan: There is No "Perfect"

Perfect? No, she was brilliant, but she was never "perfect". Perfectionism is so toxic in itself already, I know because I used to participate in it too.

I wanted to be perfect in writing the best, it didn't matter to me if I was not on the top ten highest grades in class, as long as I am the best in that one thing I am good at. However, my story is not close enough to Nina's extremely perfectionist behaviour, so I will share one that is closer to that tale as well as the point the movie and I am trying to make.

I am Asian (Filipino) and just from above, I can say that that really is the school system here, yes being a nerd is normal and being the TOP NERD was so important, I saw people broke down because they didn't win at a class competition. Toxic, right? Self-worth was associated with how good you are at academics and those over-achieving people envy others who had it easy. I was one of those who didn't struggle with academics as much, I got good grades , even when I didn't study. University did humble me, of course. Still, it doesn't bother me if I got a bad grade or a good grade. But the comments I hear from the one who worked hard to be "the best", damn. I once had a classmate who really wanted the best record in her academics. She was obsessed with it. Losing sleep, losing patience, and losing her mental health, basically. I did ask her once when she was stressing about not getting in a higher rank in the top ten, I asked her : "Does it matter?"I didn't mean it as a serious thing, but it came out like that because she replied,"It matters to me. " The tone was "I want to win." Look, her hardworking personality is ENOUGH to get her a job (she really wanted a job to get out of the house), I just wish she wasn't stressing out about winning so much. Back then, I remember her being in a bad mood, because she didn't sleep working on a project or she had a bad group mate (to be fair to her, everyone hated that person for good reason). She was ENOUGH, and I hope she sees that about herself now.

I think sacrifice is discussed a lot when talking about toxic perfectionism but behaviour from the get go isn't talked about enough.

Nina Sawyers is an example of the bad behaviour of any toxic perfectionist. She would do ANYTHING to get to the top. She tried to seduce the director to get the part she wanted, she would sabotage Lily who was friendly to her all through out as a person wanting to steal her part, she would do anything that it literally messed with her head, that her fate was her karma. She was jealous, envious and had no GOOD DAY unless SHE WAS THE PERFECT ONE. She loved the praise but couldn't handle anything less.

Nina needs to cut her mother out of her life, go out and actually have fun, and have friends who she doesn't see as competition. She needs to be friends with her peers of the same interest, too. God, that girl has no friends. She is too busy with her craft, and also, her mom is overbearing, which probably drove her to isolate from others.

One other thing, like in Helter Skelter, Nina sees her skill as a marketable tool that puts her above the rest, which is also why she is so paranoid when the director keeps comparing her to Lily, feeling threatened to be replaced. The director is an asshole, but it is pretty clear that those comparisons were meant to constructive criticism, though he needed to work on that bad delivery, also I think he was unconsciously and consciously manipulative of his muses in general. The past "Oddette", before Nina, probably experienced all the build-up paranoia that led her to extreme actions such as aggressively confronting Nina and stabbing herself in the face.

No person should ever feel like they are replaceable because they are worthless. No one should ever feel like they have to be the best because that's the only way that makes them worthy. You are worthy, nonetheless of your skill.

The Conclusion: You Are Never Enough For Them, You Are Enough For You

I know I discussed Nina and Lilico as cautionary tales, but we also to acknowledge the society that drove them to that point. We, as a society, glamorize the best of what we see: skill, craft, art, beauty, age and etc. We failed to acknowledge that we are putting impossible pedestals on them. We treat "good" things as if that is what should be good. We really failed to SEE BEAUTY AND GOOD IN OTHER THINGS.

Lilico was bullied for being fat, fetishised for being fat, and praised for being perfectly beautiful. Then, she is shamed for her past.

Society really ruined her.

As for Nina, she was always praised for being perfect, yet she had no friends because she saw them as a competition. Her over bearing mother would put her down (I saw more moments of her downplaying her skill, though in hindsight, rather than actually celebrating and supporting) .That is a factor as to why she thrived in praise so much in ballet. That is where she could be loved and FREE.

Her mother failed her, and the perfectionism ruined her.

Do not ever go to that point where you find yourself going crazy over an unreachable height. Be kind to yourself, so someone is comparing to other people? wow, aren't they someone who notices too much, that person has no life to live. Also, don't do that to yourself, don't be the loser who always looks down on others, who compares themselves to greater people because they are not enough, that is not a habit you want lingering.

I also was a person who compared themselves often to others, guess where I got that from? My flesh and blood: my mother. I still remember it, she compared me to a good friend of mine and it led me to compare myself to everyone. It was ONE passive-aggressive comment. I hated it so much, and I never did that to anyone.

I learned that I hated that feeling whenever someone does it to themselves or others to that to me, I take offence and say that that is such a sorry way to think then I realized I was like that. I had friends like that, and guess what? the Habit is still here, but I now combat it because I have no friends who do that to themsleves or others. I was done with that mentality.

I don't like it, so why should I linger in that energy?

Now, I implore you to really look at the bigger picture, think and do what is truly best for you, no matter what others say.