#I have so many diagnoses I can barely keep up

[queerfandomtrifecta]

Living vicariously through Daniel in post-Dubai Armandiel fics because I too am really into second guessing ill-advised situationships with submissive pretty boys I don’t fully trust, and suddenly finding a magical cure for my progressive neurological disease.

[pomefioredove]

I LOVED the stim headcanons sm! it scratched my autistic brain in a good way :333

I was wondering if you could possibly do headcanons with the rest of Diasomnia, Pomefiore, and Heartslabyul with the same premise (the stimming thing)? I can see Trey being very accommodating for the reader :3

Thank you! 🩷🩷🩷🩷

hi anon I was in therapy yesterday for the first time in a while and when I got out I realized I had been stimming the ENTIRE time

dorm leaders + jamil

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ reader who stims!

type of post: headcanons characters: ace, deuce, trey, cater, epel, rook, sebek, silver, lilia additional info: romantic or platonic, reader is gender neutral, reader is yuu

now, I don't think Ace makes fun of it, but he definitely...

"you're doing that thing again,"

listen, it's not that it bothers him, or distracts him. it's not even weird!

he just... finds you really... interesting?

will say you're an "interesting critter fr bro" and leave it

Deuce is the complete opposite

he will never ever say anything about your stims

won't even ask

he just really doesn't want to be rude. he's not that guy anymore!

(you don't know how to tell him that he stims without realizing it)

he's like your knight in shining armor... kind of

*ੈ✩‧₊˚

guys I hate to say it but Cater has 100% armchair diagnosed most of the people he knows

and like... he's right... but come on!

at least he usually keeps it to himself. so when he picks up on your stimming he just... doesn't say anything

it's just another nice little tidbit of information on you :) of which he has many

for normal reasons

of course

*ੈ✩‧₊˚

now, Trey is a sweetie, as always

but he's also a liar

he is not, in fact, "this nice to everyone"

he actually does the bare minimum he needs to do to get by

the guy is spoiling you

making sure you're fed and warm and comfortable the moment you step over the threshold

stimming is no problem

if you like the feeling of dough, or the sound of eggs cracking, he'll have you in the kitchen with him :)

he rather likes you, and your stims

*ੈ✩‧₊˚

I know Rook's autistic self isn't about to say anything

but, really, he already stims. subtly, but constantly

and seeing you mirror his own behaviors...

he is smitten

as if he couldn't grow any fonder of you...

now, unless it becomes upsetting or harmful, he sees no reason to stop you. he rather likes watching your every little move

and Epel is a loyal little thing

once you're his, that's it, it's over, you could literally kill someone and he'd show up with bleach and a mop like "where's the body"

so, yeah

some humming or tapping or clicking isn't going to bother him

honestly half the time he doesn't even notice

bro is too busy fighting his sensory issues with his uniform

(the sensory issues are winning)

*ੈ✩‧₊˚

Sebek scolds you for distracting him

he can already hardly think straight when his eyes are always drawn to you!!! >:(

now you're moving, too?!

he can't help but stare, which just upsets him more

it's not until Lilia takes your side that he calms down

the aforementioned having his own... quirks

(and much louder ones, too)

this is all background noise for Silver

is he just used to it? is he currently half-asleep and wouldn't notice if a bomb went off behind him?

who's to say!

he's passing out on your shoulder while you repeat the same word over and over either way

[autistichalfblood]

🩷🖤Unfathomable🩷🖤

On March 8th 2023 I got a job as a public school English teacher and I couldn't do anything else, I barely even had time to sleep.

On April 29th 2024 I had to quit that job because I was having way too many anxiety and panic attacks and my health (physical and mental) was declining. I am a diagnosed autistic person who just couldn't handle it anymore, I was teaching 16 different classes, working 9 hours every day, the only English Teacher for over 500 students.

I'm now trying to find my balance again, looking for the safety of my special interests, one of them being Wenclair, hence why I'm back writing my fanfic Unfathomable.

I am rereading what I have already written and doing some small updates (mostly sentence structure and stuff like that) and after I finish up with what is already posted, I will go back to writing that!

It might not be updated in consistent, quick manner when I go back at it, because I need to avoid too much pressure and stress but I'm so fond of this pairing, they keep me company when I'm lonely because I have no friends and no one to talk to, and they actually teach me some things and help me understand others.

I would love to ask any tumblr mates, wednesday/wenclair fans or otherwise, to check my fic out and let me know how I can improve my writing (you can comment there on my fic), I honestly think that interacting with other human beings in a classroom is too much for me and writing has always been my love, so I'm gonna follow that path now.

Fanfic: Unfathomable

Pairing: (Wednesday Addams/Enid Sinclair)

TV SHOW: Wednesday (Netflix)

Link: Click here to be transported to AO3.

---

UPDATE:

Chapters 1 & 2 were already fully checked, edited and updated.

Chapter 3 is OUT NOW!!!!

Stats:

1 kudo away from 2150!

479 hits away from 17,000 (woow!)

20 comments away from 100!

[thelesbiancitizen]

I really see the impact of lukewarm choice feminism in my area when I hear stories from my young female coworkers. One told me about her friend who is around 20 years old, who was diagnosed with endometriosis and told by her doctor that she could never get pregnant. So she never used contraception, and ended up getting pregnant by some bum. And then my coworker, trying to be supportive, told her well, it's your choice, knowing that her friend was upset about being told she could never get pregnant. She told her, you don't have to stay with the man who got you pregnant, you can totally raise a baby alone. Well, maybe if you have money. This girl has no college education and is working a minimum wage job. So she is forced to live with this bum who barely works and she doesn't even really know him. And now she's stuck there with him and this baby.

And all these women are just trying to comfort each other while they try frantically to stay on top of the basics of their lives, and maintaining imbalanced relationships that are foisted upon them, which they cannot just let go lest they lose support from their families, which is the only thing keeping them afloat; and they try maintain some illusion of control over their lives, not knowing there are forces far greater than them colluding to keep them in exactly these situations. There is no choice. But they have to keep telling themselves that there is, because otherwise, what hope do they have to keep on living in such dreadful situations? Meanwhile, women with means and opportunities get to spout off all kinds of nonsense about choice, when it is just a game to them. Women without means and without opportunities who look up to those other women take it to heart, because it sounds so nice; and they are the ones who suffer the consequences of privileged women's irresponsible talk. They're stuck the rest of their lives playing catch-up, trying not to let their babies die, trying to feed themselves, trying to pay rent. Exhausted, addicted to cigarettes and marijuana and god knows what else just to get through the day. Barely able to afford to eat. So stressed they have no appetite. Going through the day in a fog. What kind of life is that?

We really cannot afford lukewarm feminism. Radical feminism is the only kind of feminism that can help women like this. And when I talk radical feminism to them, their eyes just light up. We have so much fun in the kitchen when I start talking radical feminism and they get so excited about real analysis that actually applies to their lives and their situations. Yet I know I am the only woman in their lives talking frankly like this about sexual politics and power dynamics. It can't just be me. And it can't just be in the kitchen.

They all know the truth about it all, because they are living it. They are not stupid. They are everyday women in terribly exhausting situations. Many come from conservative evangelical backgrounds, and they are my friends. They need radical feminism more than anybody. I won't leave them behind.

[thescarletnargacuga]

If i may make a suggestion, human AU sickfic, maybe?

A/N: poor hoomans

THE FLU

A HUMAN AU SHOWTIME ONESHOT

WARNING: none

~~~

Pomni coughed into her millionth tissue. She'd been diagnosed with influenza, and nearly bedridden all week. Her throat burned with fury of a California wildfire while she could barely breathe through her runny nose. She ran a fever off and on, causing body wide aches and fatigue. She barely ate anything out of lack of appetite, not helping her energy levels.

Thankfully, she had a TV in her room and her phone so she had all the entertainment in the world at her fingertips. She binged show after show while she struggled to sleep.

Caine insisted she have the master bedroom to herself while sick. He wasn't worried about exposure, but her coughing was keeping him up at night with worry so he slept on the couch in the living room so he could get sleep and go to work. He texted her often about how she was doing, did she need anything while he was out, telling her when he would be home, etc.

Bubble could sense that his human was not okay and would spend the entire day chilling with her in bed. It's the calmest he's ever been. When he wasn't chewing on his toy, he was cuddling with Pomni and getting so many pets. It was the best.

Pomni laid against her high wedge pillow, watching her shows when Caine came in. He was still in his work suit, carrying some tea and a large shopping bag. "Hello, my dear. Did you get much rest today?"

"Meh...kind of." Pomni grumbled, her voice was rough from all the coughing. "Bubble and I have been binging Bridgerton. Have you seen it? It's pretty good."

"Heard of it, but haven't seen it myself." Caine set the hot cup of tea on the nightstand next to Pomni, shuffling a few pill bottles and cough drops out of the way. "Made you some chamomile tea. I added that vitamin C powder we got from the pharmacy, help your immune system a bit."

"Thank you." Pomni smiled through the fatigue. "What's in the bag?"

"I bought you a few things." He pulled out a big box of tissues. "You've been going through these by the box, so I got the biggest one they sold."

Pomni almost laughed. "Only one?"

"Nope. There are sixteen more in the hallway closet."

"I stand corrected."

"I also got," Caine pulled out another big box. "This jumbo pack of snack cakes. Apple cinnamon, your favorite."

"Aw, Caine, thank-"

"BUT WAIT! There's more! I got this really nice smelling massage oil. I can rub out those sore spots for you, if you'll let me." He winked.

Pomni laughed, coughing a little. "Only if you promise to just give me a back rub. I don't have the energy for hanky panky."

"Promise, love. Oh!" He set the bottle of oil in Pomni's lap with the snack box. "I also found this mini gator plush! Look at 'im!" He put a hand sized sitting gator plush in Pomni's lap.

She cooed over the little gator. "Oh my god, he's so cute!"

"Smell him! He's scented! Pineapple and Lime, I believe." Caine double checked the tag.

"Caine... I don't have a sense of smell right now."

"Oh yeah, well you can smell them later, because I have something else for you!"

"How many things do you have in that magician's bag of yours??" She was smiling more than she had all week. He was being silly for her sake and she loved him for it.

"Just one more thing." Caine searched the bag but I was empty. "Huh...that's strange. Where did I put it?" He felt his various suit pockets.

"What did you lose?"

"Oh wait, silly me. It wouldn't fit in the bag."

Pomni's eyes widened. "Caine...what did you buy?"

"It doesn't have a price tag." He gave Pomni a cheeky smile and kissed her forehead. "It's all my love for you."

"You're such a dork. I love you." She hugged him.

"I love you more. More and more each day." He kissed the top of her head. "I'm gonna need you to get better soon. I miss kissing those lips of yours."

"I'm working on it. Flu season is rough this year. Wanna watch Bridgerton with me?"

"Absolutely." Caine started changing into more casual clothes.

Pomni caught Bubble trying to sneak a bite at her new Gummy Gator plush. She snatched it away. "No! Destroy your own toys. This one's mine."

Bubble whined and begged for the plush, despite the fact that his own toy was literally right next to him. Pomni distracted him with belly rubs and he forgot all about the new plush.

After Caine was changed and grabbed his own drink, he joined Pomni on the bed and settled to watch TV. He held her close with an arm over her shoulders. She leaned on him but had to blow her nose often to not drip nose goo on him.

Despite Pomni being sick, being with her and relaxing after a long day was the best thing in the world to Caine.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for holding money my parents owe me over their heads?

I (21) live with my mom (53F), stepdad (52M), and two siblings (15M), (23M). Recently they’ve been pushing me to get a job despite previous conversations we’ve had, and I want to tell them that they can push me to get a job after they pay me back all the money they owe me, but I think I might be the asshole if I do.

For background context, I have had severe chronic health issues since 2014 and mental health issues since a really young age. They are diagnosed but I don’t want to get into it rn. The heart issues, chronic pain, and fatigue makes it really difficult for me to even take care of myself and I almost never leave the house.

I applied for SSI in 2021 and was denied for the first time and appeal before it was sent to hearing stage and an ALJ, and just last week I received the letter stating that I had been denied again.

When the letter came saying that I was denied I was very upset, mostly very angry. I showed the letter to my mom and I asked for her opinion, and she said that she thought “there isn’t enough here” that ��you should just give it up” and “I heard [local grocery store] is letting cashiers sit on stools now.”

Just the next day I mentioned to my parents that I had been looking at some jobs and found one specifically that I felt I might be able to do a few 4hr shifts of a week. They were enthusiastic until I mentioned the “a few 4hr shifts” part, where they then pressed me to do 8hr shifts saying “you’re not even going to try?” even as I told them that I can barely stay awake more than a few hours at a time. I tried to explain to them that even if I could keep the job indefinitely (unlikely) doing too many or too long shifts would burn me out quickly and make it harder to get another job if I got fired from that one (likely) and they just got angry and were mocking me.

Here’s where the WIBTA comes into play. I don’t want to burn myself out when we can still appeal the decision, and I’m not even the only one in this household who doesn’t work. I get tips every so often for my writing/art and donations, and every cent always ends up going to them for food and gas and bills, even if I’m trying to save. After a few years they owe me somewhere upwards of $1000, I stopped keeping track after it hit that. I never ask for my money back and never hold it over their heads, but now I want to.

I was going to try to keep a job while I wait for this appeal because I really do want to help, but now I feel like whatever I do is never going to be enough and they’re always going to be pushing for more.

Would it be a dick move to tell my parents that they can push me to get a job when they pay me back what they owe me?

What are these acronyms?

[bullet-prooflove]

Goodbye Sam: Sam Abrams x Reader

Tagging: @kmc1989 @caffeinatedwoman @maryelizabeth13 @toasted-stiletto @district447

Companion piece to:

Divorce!Series:

Part One: The Fight Before Christmas - You and Sam get into a fight after he discovers you've been keeping a secret from him.

Part Two: Should Have - There's a lot of things Sam should have done.

Part Three: Fraught - Sam makes a decision regarding your relationship.

Part Four: Sign Here - Sam serves you with divorce papers.

Part Five: Don't Look Back - After running into you at the hospital Sam tries to convince himself not to look back.

Part Six: Lost - You and Sam reaquaint the day the divorce comes through.

Part Seven: Martial Affairs - There's debate regarding yours and Sam's status.

Part Eight: The Fall - Sam and you end up back where you started before the divorce.

Part Nine: Couples Counselling - Sam and you start to date again after couple's counselling.

Part Ten: Mrs. Fuckin' Polite - Sam walks into a nightmare when he comes home one night.

It’s Sam’s last night in Chicago and you’ve both tried to make it as perfect as possible. Dinner at Orphino’s, a moonlit walk through the park with gelato from ‘The Little Italian Place’ just like on the night the two of you met. It seems fitting that it circles back like this. It’s how your marriage started, now it’s how it ends.

You find yourself back at the house you once shared, Sam undressing you in the illumination of the candlelight, Etta James serenading you in the background. He takes his time loving you, his lips exploring every single inch of bare skin before you climax on his tongue. He’ll never get tired of that taste, he’s going to miss it when he’s gone. You’re flushed and overwrought by the time he enters you, your fingers entwining as his mouth covers yours, drinking down your pleasure.

The two of you move together in the flickering light, the ecstasy building into a crescendo as you tighten underneath him.

“I love you.” He whispers at the height of it all because he knows he won’t get to say it again. He stays for as long as he can in the aftermath, his thumb ghosting over your cheek as he lays tangled up in you.

“I’m going to miss this.” He whispers against your lips “I’m going to miss you.”

You fall asleep wrapped up in one another until his phone chimes a couple of hours later rousing you, reminding him of his flight. He dresses in the glow from the burnt down candles as you drape your robe over your naked form. Your fingers interlink with his as you walk him to the door, his suitcase already perched alongside of it, waiting.

“So this is goodbye.” You say quietly as he lingers and Sam swallows hard against the well of emotion in his chest.

“Yea.” He whispers, his forehead coming to rest upon yours. “Elle I…”

There are so many things he wants to say but all of them are redundant because in the end it all comes down to this.

He has to go and you have to stay.

After Lucy’s rapist Marcus Croyton had been released back into the wild, the fear of running into him, of it happening again became too much. She suffered a break down and was now recovering in a facility in New York, where she could be close to her mother. Sam had dropped everything immediately, taking a sabbatical to support her before he’d made the decision to relocate, taking a position in Mount Sinai Hospital.

“I know I can’t ask you to come with me.” He’d told you, his hand clasping your hand tightly in his over dinner one evening. “You need to be here for your patients, for your mother…”

She’d been diagnosed with Parkinson’s a few months before, she was rapidly declining and you needed to be here to help her manage the condition.

“And you need to be with your daughter.” You’d finished, squeezing his hand in solidarity. “It’s ok Sam, I understand.”

You do and that’s one of the reasons that Sam loves you, because you support him with the hard choices, even when they break both of your hearts.

“Goodbye Elle.” He whispers as he kisses you one last time.

“Goodbye Sam.” You say as you open the door and watch the man you love walk away for good.

Love Sam? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[covid-safer-hotties]

Also preserved on our archive

by Louis Corbett

Hundreds of thousands of people have been affected by long covid but it's still widely misunderstood

Covid may seem like a thing of the past for many of us, a nightmare we left behind at the start of the decade, but for some, it never ended. Long covid affects hundreds of thousands of people in the UK, including many who only had a mild case of the virus.

Officially the illness affects about two million people in the UK but some, including researcher Mark Faghy, argue that figure isn't accurate and that the real scale of the problem has been “swept under the rug”. Sarah Barley-McMullen, 54, originally from Derbyshire has been living with the illness since 2021.

After having mild symptoms when she was first diagnosed, she thought she could carry on living like normal. Then she lost her voice and started suffering from hearing loss, chronic fatigue and the inability to cry.

Sarah has had to start using a walker to get around and wears a mask in public to ensure she doesn't catch covid again. Her particular case continues to evolve, with more symptoms that are changing her life year on year.

It all means that Sarah is unable to work at her high-level academic job at the University of Derby. She said: “I was never hospitalised, so I stayed at home because I wasn’t that Ill, but then I never got better. My hearing got worse, I started to lose my voice and I made an appointment with the GP and they said to keep an eye on it.

“It started to severely affect my mental health, I am such an extroverted person and I loved my job but I just couldn't do it. Then after months I got back in touch with the GP and they realised I sounded Ill so they took me in and found I had a partially collapsed lung.

“I was a senior academic and the University of Derby was great, but I found that I had chronic fatigue. For example, I would have a meeting with someone one day and then be completely wiped out the next. It has completely flipped my life upside down.”

Since then Sarah has taken medical retirement and been included in a national study of the condition, working with academics to research and understand it. Sarah has urged the general public to keep testing because covid may still impact vulnerable people.

Professor Mark Faghy, a clinical exercise science expert at the University of Derby, has been working closely with Sarah and a number of other patients. He said: “It's such a broad condition, with over 200 different symptoms so it’s really hard to pinpoint and sum up.

“Unfortunately it’s an inconvenience to people, when you look at the numbers people don’t put that into context, two million people in the UK have this condition, but if you put it into everyday context it is one in thirty. You could fill every single football stadium in the UK with people suffering from long covid. That is the reality but people don’t want to talk about it.

Sarah continued: “I got Covid again in January and it left me with an auto-immune disease, all my joints are painful and I can barely move. People don’t understand that it's a vascular disease, you have mild symptoms like a bad cold or flu but if you have a weakened immune system then it will affect different organs.

"Long covid happens when you ignore covid and don’t rest, you don’t allow your body to catch up and then you develop these conditions. The pandemic is far from over. ”

[bluegekk0]

I've been in such an emotional slump lately. I fear that I upset my friends without realizing and now every interaction I feel like they're mad at me. It's like every time we chat I get the impression that they're annoyed with me, I keep thinking they're being sarcastic and trying to tell me to shut up in subtle ways, but I'm scared of asking cause what if I'm overreacting like I usually do? I just hate it so much. I feel like I'm such an exhausting person to be around and a little voice in the back of my mind keeps telling me it would be better for everyone if I distanced myself.

And I'm also fighting really hard against the idea that people in general are getting bored of me. I know engagement is not everything, I know that drawing for myself should be a priority. It makes me happy, and I draw what I love BECAUSE I love it. But it's so hard for me to not hope for validation and feedback when I've been compared to others all childhood. And it stings so much when a drawing I'm super happy with maybe doesn't perform as well as I hoped (at least compares to the number of people who follow me). I don't know if it's not reaching people here or if it's just getting too repetitive for people to care anymore. Or perhaps people see my self-reblogs as desperate and get discourages from interacting for that reason? Maybe they're right for that.

I've also been looking into and educating myself on the experiences of autistic individuals since I suspect I'm on the spectrum, and I do relate to many of them, plus every test I take indicates that I might be autistic. So in theory, self diagnosing would help, right? I could stop worrying that I'm broken somehow or a failure of an adult, and just accept that my brain simply works differently and maybe even be more kind to myself. That sounds good. But then the doubts keep creeping in. I don't remember if I showed any signs in my childhood, I barely remember anything from it. So what if I'm wrong, what if there were none, and I'm just overanalyzing symptoms or even faking them? How can I consider myself part of the community if there is a chance I shouldn't be there at all? What if I'm just lazy, what if I'm an introverted, anxious loser who put themselves in this situation by being incompetent at everything, now trying to find excuses?

I don't know. There's so many exhausting thoughts that have been dragging my mood down for the past few days. And I guess I'm just waiting for it to pass since I'm so scared of actually going out there and getting help.

Well, there goes another oversharing session. I usually feel bad talking about this with my friends cause I don't want to put them under the obligation to respond. And with how terrible I am at responding to their struggles (not that I don't care, I'm just so, so bad at responding to emotions and putting my thoughts into words that don't make me sound robotic) it often feels too one sided. So I guess this is a way for me to scream into the void and give people a choice if they want to ignore it or respond. I could just write it down in a diary or something, but part of me is hoping that maybe this experience resonates with someone and I'd feel less alone. Or maybe I'm simply just desperate for advice or validation that would feed my ego.

[invece-sto-sdraiato]

My experience of watching House MD with my mom (a government certified dermatologist):

It was surprisingly such a bonding experience for us, now that I think about it. It was kind of our thing. I would ask her many questions about the technical stuff (biology lover here) and she would explain all of it to me. There were so many days when we would just discuss whatever happened in an episode, for hours. She didn’t mind any of the malpractice stuff (compared to what happens in Indian hospitals sometimes, house barely scratches the surface)

And I used to get so….idk exasperated at house’s cynicism towards others, while she didn’t give a thought about it. This is a woman who is currently in an administrative position (Associate Professor, to be exact) and she’s told me about the absolute shit some of her colleagues/subordinates have given her. I mean, she’s seen it all. She’s probably met people like house.

Coming back to the technics, she used to talk admiringly about how (mostly) accurate the med stuff was, and how there’s a lot of research gone into the writing of the show. And house’s discussion with the others using a whiteboard. I think that was what really made her like this show. I’ll elaborate.

This happened today:

Mom: “Last week, I was asking my students about the different dermatological diagnoses they’ve encountered in recent cases. And then, I asked them if any of them had ever watched House.” (She occasionally teaches post-graduate med students)

Me: “Really? Uh…. you asked them if they’ve watched House…of all the possible medical dramas?”

Mom: *eye roll* “Anyways, some of them said yes. And then I explained, how their method of determining the differential diagnosis is quite useful. Listing it all on a whiteboard, you know, it helps to clearly see where you stand and how to further proceed from there. And House gives the others freedom to express their opinions and doubts.”

Dad, suddenly: “He’ll list all possible diagnoses, and there’s times even when he has to strike out all of them. But none of them show any frustration and they keep brainstorming until they find the correct one. That can be so useful in daily life, you know?”

Me: “huh, I suppose you’re right.”

Dad: “They’re using something known as the ‘first principle thinking’ in psychology. It means that you refrain from making assumptions, and you go right to the basics, to find a solution.”

So. Idk what to say now. Maybe just that I have a lot of good memories pertaining to House. But obviously, being the teenager that I am, I was very interested in the hilson side of things (even if those two are seriously fucked up) but I also loved watching House for the technical stuff and used to get pretty excited if I even knew a bit about whatever illness was in an episode (a nerd’s a nerd 😅) sorry for the long post.

[electronicnutcycle]

Double Penetration - Day 3 - tommy lee x Nikki Sixx

Description: Your boyfriend Nikki and his band finally come back from tour . Nikki and Tommy are really horny . That where you come in.

Pairing: Nikki Sixx x TommyLee x reader.

Warnings: Double penetration, a little bit of overstimulation and think that’s all ( but lmk if I missed something).

Being a girlfriend to a rockstar can have both its pros and cons . Some of the pros being having amazing sex with him and his fellow band mate who you also found hot . It was dark out and way past 12 , your boyfriend Nikki and his band had just gotten home from tour and both Nikki and Tommy were full of sexual frustration, Which is where you come in also needy and horny . Your boyfriend Nikki had bragged to Tommy all tour on how good you were in bed and how tight you were , which you didn't mind cause you also thought Tommy was extremely hot. Which leads to right now , on your hands and knees while your mouth and cunt are being abused .

It felt like hours went by as multiple orgasms rippled through your stomach and how many orgasms have leaked into your sopping wet cunt or you have to swallow , you don’t know . Cause by the time another orgasm rippled through you you were barely able to keep yourself up and you were basically a mess with mascara running down your face and a mixture of both the boys cum and saliva running down you chin . “Look at the lil slut , a absolute mess” Nikki spat out while examining your abused and used body “ watcha think Tom , wanna go for another round?” “Whew absolutely, I think can use another round” Tommy said before picking you up like you were nothing and putting you on his lap . As Tommy slowly inched his cock into your already overstimulated and sopping wet hole , for a few seconds Tommy stopped but before you could realize why it was so calm you felt Nikki's cock enter the already preoccupied hole and before you could get the chance the make a sound Nikki already had some of his fingers in your mouth to muffle your screams. After you had gotten used to the two of them in your tight hole you made a noise to let go and as they both started to go in and out . At first slowly to not overwhelm you , but at time went on there was nothing you could do to stop Tommy and Nikki's brutal pace. Whilst they continued to abuse your poor cunt , you started to feel a familiar feeling in your stomach , the familiar feeling of a tight rope in your abdomen. Just as the tight rope snapped , your legs started to shake and as your sight went white , you pass out . When you awoke again you had been cleaned up and had a fresh pair of clothes on while been snuggled up between to two men like you were before.

A/N: Heyy guys! , I hope you enjoy this story . So sorry it came out so late I got diagnosed with pneumonia and spent the last few days/weeks in hospital trying to figure out what it was . Luckily they found out , I’m currently taking meds and starting to feel so much better!. I hope everyone reading has a good kinktober/October.

[ashcal99]

Collarbones : Jasper Whitlock Hale III

Chapter Three

"I can see your collarbones and baby I'm scared, Never thought I'd be so unprepared"

Summary: Camila Johnson was only 16 when she was diagnosed with leukemia. By the time she had turned 17, the doctors had tried everything to save her. Her family is close to giving up hope when they hear of a doctor who may be able to help her. The only problem is, he lives on the opposite side of the country. The small family soon decides to move to the small town in Washington, in efforts to prolong her life. In doing so, her life changes forever.

Warnings: Eventual smut (18+ only), mentions of death, depression, descriptions of disease and weight loss, general angst, slow burn

Words: 4.1k

A/N: Please lmk if you'd like to be added to the tag list. Hope you enjoy x

Soundtrack

Previous Chapter

Series Masterlist

——————

January 29th, 2005

Jasper had been extremely punctual of course. He had paced back and forth so many times that night he had practically worn lines into the floor. It was times like these that he really did miss sleeping. The promise of seeing Camila once the sun arose had the night dragging on much slower than he would’ve even thought possible. He wasn’t exactly sure what they would be doing, but he knew it would be with her and that was all that mattered really. So, there he was standing on her doorstep, knocking his fist lightly on the front door of her home, not one second after the agreed time of 11am. 

He of course knew before the door swung open, that it would be her that would answer his knock, having smelt the abnormal scent of her blood, but that didn’t stop the fluttering in his stomach as she came into view. Like usual, it was as if his breath had been stollen from his lungs as he drunk in the sight of her. As if he needed that air to live. Her eyes flickered up from the toes of her warn out boots to meet his. She sent him a small, bashful smile. “You’re very punctual.” She teased. 

Jasper’s golden eyes seemed to glimmer as a smile broke out across his face. “Didn’t want to keep you waiting, darlin’.” He said. The word as usual, sent Camila’s pulse quickening and she scolded her heart. He had called her that countless times, yet the word never failed to get a reaction out of her. She really needed to get a grip on herself, and she hoped that he was unaware of the effect that he had on her.

She shook the thoughts from her head, gesturing him inside of the small house. “Sorry, my mom wanted to meet you before I leave. She’s a little protective if you could imagine.” She said, letting out a light laugh. 

Jasper sucked in a breath. “Yeah, of course.” He said, smiling politely to the girl in front of him as he stepped through the threshold. Slight panic filled his chest as his eyes scanned the small living room directly in front of the entrance to the home. The room was mostly bare, save for a plush worn looking sofa, two arm chairs, and few boxes in the corner that had yet to be unpacked. 

He wished Alice would have warned him of the girl’s mother. He hadn’t exactly been prepared to be in close proximity and direct conversation with a human today. Of course, he was spending the day with Camila, but the only thing that made that possible was the lack of hunger that followed the scent of her strange blood, and he knew, of course that the same would not hold true for the girl’s mother.

Floorboards whined under his feet as he stepped into the tight space. He tried to focus on the steady beating of Camila’s heart for comfort, but that didn’t stop the rigidness of his shoulders as the fire in his throat lit ablaze with furry. There, on the sofa in front of him, sat a middle aged woman, an almost perfect reflection of her daughter.  He steeled himself, swallowing the burn and mustering up his best manners. “Hello, Ma’am. I’m Jasper Hale. I’m here to pick up your daughter for the day.” He said, flashing a bright smile at the woman. 

She came to a stand, looking at him, seeming to almost size him up. Of course she would be protective of her only daughter. It was only natural for her to want to make sure that she would be in safe hands, especially given her sickness. It was expected, and really if he had been thinking straight, he would have realized that he would be meeting at least one of her parents and prepared himself.

Seeing his kind smile and hearing his polite greeting seemed to ease a bit of her stress as the tension in her shoulders loosened slightly. She returned his smile walking closer to him as she stuck her hand out for him to shake. “I’m Camila’s mother, Michelle. It’s a pleasure to meat you.” She said. 

Jasper’s eyes flickered over to Camila quickly, and back to her mother. May as well lay it on thick, he figured. He stuck out his hand in front of him, gently taking the woman’s warm palm into his own. He knew he could blame the cold weather on his chilled skin if questioned, so he leaned fully into his southern charm as he delicately shook the woman’s hand, lingering longer than he would normally dare. “The pleasure is all mine, ma’am.” He said.

Michelle stood there, slightly stunned for a moment. Exactly the reaction that he had been chasing. “So, where is it that you will be taking my daughter today?” She asked kindly as she dropped his cold stone-like hand. 

Letting his body relax at the loss of the woman’s touch, he looked back towards Camila. “I’m leaving that part up to her, but I figured we could go get something for lunch first.” He said, trying, despite the flames lapping at his throat to seem relaxed, and to the best of his ability, normal. 

Michelle sucked in a shaky breath. “I just worry. Please make sure she doesn’t push herself too much. She has a tendency overwork her body at times.” She said, concern creating deep lines between her eyebrows. 

Camila cringed at her mother’s words. She knew she would be concerned about her going out, but she had wished she would refrain from talking about her as if she wasn’t in the room. Of course she was fragile, that much was apparent, but she sometimes hated how her parents treated her as if she would whither away at any moment. “Mom-“ She started, attempting to keep the woman from embarrassing her even further.

Holding up her hand to stop her daughter, Michelle interrupted. “No, Camila, I’m serious.” She scolded. 

Jasper could feel the worry immolating from her and decided now would be a good time to take advantage of his supernatural gifts. “Of course, and I will make sure to have my phone with me as well so I can call you and my father in case of any emergency.” He said, sending her a reassuring smile as he pushed the feeling of comfort and calm towards her. The least he could do was try and ease the anxiety of the situation for her. 

She let out a deep sight, letting the weight of her worry leave her shoulders. Camila had explained the situation on her ride home from school the day previous, the only reason her and her husband agreeing, being that Jasper would have a direct line to their daughter’s doctor. As much as the whole thing concerned her, she knew that it was only fair to let her daughter enjoy her time with the boy. Especially considering that Camila was adamant on letting her parents know that they were ‘only friends’ and ‘just  wanted to get to know each other more’.

“Okay… Enjoy your time out, honey. Be home by ten.” She said, after a long pause, giving her daughter a light smile and ushering the two teens towards the front door. 

Camila smiled thankfully at her mother, grateful that she didn’t push it any further, and planted a small kiss to the woman’s cheek. “Love you.” She muttered, turning and grabbing Jasper's hand to pull him out the front door before her mother changed her mind. 

An electric shock raced up Jasper’s spine as he moved towards the pull on his arm, dazed by the girl’s touch. It was then that he had realized that this was the first skin to skin contact that he had ever shared with her. Her palm was a blazing ember against his own icy touch and he took note that this must be because of her constant feverish state. The warmth was comforting to his freezing skin, and he hoped that his cold touch may be just as comforting to her. 

Camila tried to hide her shock as she processed the temperature of his skin. Just like Alice, he too had the same ice-like touch. Odd enough, without even considering that the two weren’t actually related to each other. She shook the new confusing information from her mind, deciding that she would have to add it to the long, ever-growing list of the things that were off about Jasper and his family. 

Once the two were outside, standing next to the contrasting expensive looking car in her driveway, she reluctantly dropped his hand. “Sorry.” She said, blushing lightly. “Wanted to get out of there before she decided to make me stay home.” She admitted.

Reaching his hand forward to open the passenger door for her, he smiled bashfully to the girl. “No worries.”  He reassured, trying to draw in his control. The sudden contact with her skin had seemed to flip a switch inside of his brain, almost like rebooting his mind, and it wasn’t quite back up to running at full speed yet.

He shut the door behind her as she moved into the vehicle, being extra careful to make sure that all of her body was inside before latching it shut. Making his way quickly to the drivers side, or quickly for a human anyway, he turned the key in the ignition, listening as the engine roared quietly to life. “Where to, for food?” He asked once he had clicked his seatbelt into place on his side and made sure that she had done the same. 

“Same cafe as the other day?” She offered, considering that she didn’t really know anywhere else in the small town yet and she had actually enjoyed the food that they had served. 

Jasper tried to hide his grimace as he forced a smile onto his lips, pulling out of the driveway and heading in the direction of the cafe. Given that they had just been there a few days prior, he knew he would have to, unfortunately, actually order food this time due to the risk of anybody but Camila noticing that he had a particular issue with consuming human food. He only hoped he could successfully hide the fact that he wouldn’t end up eating any of the food, and he tried, quickly, to come up with some kind of idea that would help him seem inconspicuous.

“Any music preferences?” He asked, reaching forward to turn on the radio as the soft notes of a piano filled the car. One of Edward’s cd’s he had left in the player. 

Eye’s flickering over to his face, the corners of Camila’s mouth turned up. “What do you have?” She asked.

His long arm reached over her lap, unlatching the glovebox to reveal, a large book, that was no doubt filled with different options. “Take a look.” He offered. 

He had to admit, he didn’t really listen to too much music himself. When he had been human, having been a part of a not-so-wealthly family, he hadn’t really had much exposure to music, besides the occasional tune he would hear while out in town with his parents. Even that music, he didn’t listen to often now, given that it was over a century old at this point. If he was being honest, the only exposure to music that he had anymore was mostly due to Edward and his constant pursuit to occupy the ongoing boredom of this life that they had been given. 

Flicking through the pages and pages of cd’s, Camila tried to get a grasp on the many genres that the book held. They ranged vastly from classics like The Beatles, real classics like Mozart, and even artists as modern as Linkin Park and all it did was confuse her more if she was being honest. “I thought there’d be more country in here given your southern drawl.” She teased, eyes flitting up to catch his reaction to her words. 

A genuine laugh left his lips and rang like a bell throughout the car. “Yeah, I uh… I guess I didn’t really grow up with a whole lot of music around. Those are Edward’s. Sorry to disappoint, darlin’.” He said pointedly, smirking. 

Camila giggled lightly, heart fluttering at the sight of his bright smile. She plucked a disk from a sleeve of the book, finally settling on one of the many Queen albums. She ejected the current disk, placing the new cd into the the slot above the clock on the dashboard. 

The beginning notes thrummed throughout the car as the wound down the road. “80’s huh?” He asked, raising his eyebrow.

“It’s a classic.” She reasoned, as she bobbed her head slightly to the rhythm of the music. 

That definitely didn’t help him not feel absolutely ancient as he sat there next to her, all one-hundred-sixty years of him. He had to pull himself away from the thoughts that began filing through his mind, suddenly feeling like a total creep. He hoped, whenever she ended up finding out the truth about him, that he wouldn’t scare her away. The fact was, he was well over a hundred years older than her and he tried not to let that fact get to him too much. 

In truth, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the 258 years difference between Carlisle and Esme, but that did little to ease his discomfort with the inevitable conversation he would end up having about his real age. Refusing to let himself spiral any longer he spoke up. “80’s was the best decade for music in my opinion.” 

Camila hummed in agreement, closing her eyes as she let herself fully feel the melody around her.

——————

The cafe was a bit more packed than it had been previously that week, given that it was now lunchtime as well as Saturday. Luckily, the corner booth was still unoccupied when they arrived, so that, if anything, would help to keep Jasper as far away as possible from the many humans occupying the room as well as provide enough privacy to not have to sensor their conversation too much. 

Unfortunately, however, the waitress that had served them before was the same for today, and immediately, he knew that there would be no way out of ordering food for himself this time. Reluctantly, he scanned the menu for something that would be easy enough to choke back up later on, and settled on a burger, figuring that it would look the most normal for a teenage guy to eat. 

The woman left their table, promising that the food would be out soon. Camila turned to Jasper, an eyebrow raised at his obvious discomfort. “You ordered food this time.” She pointed out. 

“Uh- yeah.” He stuttered out, trying to push the right words to the forefront of his mind. “Don’t wanna stick out too much, I guess.” He said, eyes flickering around the crowded restaurant. 

Camila nodded slowly. “So you really don’t eat then?” She asked curiously, deciding now would be as good a time as any to get her questions out in the air. 

Jasper gulped. “No, not food like you eat.” He muttered lowly. 

Her eyebrows threaded together in confusion. “Okay, I’m lost.” She admitted. 

“I’m sorry.” He apologized. “I can’t exactly tell you myself, and to be fair, I don’t think you would believe me even if I could.” He said, a reluctant grin adorning his features. 

Camila huffed, slouching slightly in her seat. “So, let me get this straight. You’ve been dropping these very strange and almost ominous hints at me in hopes that I’ll figure this all out on my own?” She said. He nodded, happy that she had the bluntness to call him out. “Okay, why me?” She asked. “What makes you have so much trust in me? We don’t really know each other very well.” She pointed out. 

“If we’re being honest, out of everyone in this town besides my family, you know me the best. From what I know, it’s the same way vice versa.” He said, his golden eyes peering deep into her green ones. 

She nodded slowly, processing his words. “Fair enough.” She muttered. “Okay. How about I just throw random ideas and you can confirm or deny them?” She suggested. 

Jasper thought for a moment. “That… sounds… doable.” He said, agreeing to the idea.

Camila sat up straighter in her seat, feeling slightly exhilarated by the prospect. “Okay. So you don’t eat. Any food at all?” Jasper shook his head. “You’re really cold.” She pointed out. He nodded his head this time. 

“You’re good at reading emotions.” nod yes

“You have like, super human hearing.” nod yes

“You and your whole family are like ridiculously attractive. Inhumanly so.” She said, letting herself get away with her rambling so much she hadn’t even noticed when the words fell from her lips. Her eyes widened in realization, as a bright red blush crept up her cheeks. 

A smirk grew on Jaspers lips as her words fully sank in. “So, you think I’m ridiculously attractive?” He teased. 

Her hands flew up to her face, trying to cover the growing blush on her cheeks. “Shut up.” She mumbled embarrassed.

Jasper’s smirk grew larger. “My sincerest apologies, darlin’.” He said, earning a groan from the girl. 

Jasper’s head suddenly snapped away from her, towards the waitress making her way to their table, two plates of food in her hands. After making sure that the two were all set and didn’t need anything else, she finally left the two by themselves once more. 

He starred down at his plate, grimace clear as day on his face. Camila’s eyes flicked back and forth from the food to his face. “I can eat it. If you want… Not all of it, but enough to make it look like you tried to eat it yourself.” She offered.

He smiled over to her. “Umm- yeah.” He nodded lightly. “That would be great.” He admitted. 

——————

Camila had tried to rush through finishing her food, knowing that she would most likely get more answers once they were in their own privacy once more. Unfortunately, as much as she tried, her stomach could only handle so much, so it ended up taking close to forty-five minutes before she was able to get a substantial amount of food down. 

So, there they sat, car parked on the side of an abandoned road. Finally alone once more. Jasper knew that the location may not be the best option for the inevitable discovery looming overhead, wanting her to feel safe and not like he took her out to the middle of the woods to kill her, but ultimately, knew that it would give them the privacy needed if she ended up freaked out. 

They had continued their back and forth questioning and answering after they had left and here they were, still going on more than three hours later. Granted most of that was because they had kept pausing to joke and go off on side conversations. He couldn’t really help it to be fair. He was nervous and almost instinctually tried to change the subject at every corner. In truth, he was terrified of her having a bad reaction. A natural reaction.

Despite the happiness filling her chest, Camila was beginning to grow more and more irritated with herself. This day had flipped everything on its head and her composure had long past flown out the window. It had been over a year since she had sworn off any future of dating again, and she told herself, over and over again, that she needed to stop, but she couldn’t help the butterflies filling her stomach every time he looked her way. 

There was something about him. Something almost supernatural that made her feel at home in his presence. She found herself wanting that impossible future with him, and all it did was hurt. She had spent the past year coming to terms with her inevitable death, being contempt in the fact that her life would be cut short. Already saying goodbye in her mind to her friends and family and there, suddenly he was. Fucking that all up. Throwing a wrench in her plan. Her heart desperately wanted to fight that impossible fight just to spend more time with him, while her mind knew that the end was near and inevitable. So for now, she would ignore that inevitable future and allow herself to feel.

——————

“A family addicted to plastic surgery.” Camila suggested. Jasper busted out laughing loudly. shake no

“Damn. I really thought that was the one.” She joked, laughing along with him. “Okay, okay.Are any of you actually related?” shake no

“Bitten by radioactive spiders?” Bursts of laughter filled the car once more at her words. “Gamma radiation?” She added. 

Jasper shook his head. “No.” He said, still shaking with laughter.

Camila groaned. “I’m not getting anywhere with these questions.” She complained.

Jasper thought for a moment. “Be less specific?” He offered. 

She sighed heavily, throwing her hands into the air exasperatedly. “Are you even human?” She asked half joking.

shake no

She froze in her seat, her eyes searching his face for any signs that he was joking, but all she found was honesty and everything was suddenly way more serious. 

She nodded slowly, trying to gather her racing thoughts as she stared into the trees ahead of them. Oddly enough, this discovery didn’t scare her like she knew it should have. She knew that whatever the truth ended up being, that Jasper wouldn’t hurt her. Regardless, what did she really have to lose anyway? What mattered was that she trusted him, whether that trust was ill seeded or not didn’t really matter to her anymore. 

“Are you from Earth?” She asked incredulously.

Jasper smiled again, snickering slightly. “We’re not aliens.” He said.

Camila rolled her eyes teasingly. “Just checking.” She muttered.

“Are you immortal?” nod yes

Her eyes widened. “Really?” Jasper nodded again. “You’re sure you’re not making me out to be the most gullible person in the world?” He shook his head firmly, deeply serious, despite the ridiculous nature of the conversation. “How old are you?” She asked.

Jasper shook his head. “That’s a conversation for another day.” He reasoned, earning an indignant huff from the girl. He was honestly shocked with how well she had been taking all of this. Most importantly, he could tell by her emotions that she believed every word that he was saying. He didn’t exactly understand the blind trust that she had in him, but nonetheless, was happy that he had it. 

Her mind wandered, attempting find her next question. How did you recover from an admission like that? Despite her shock, she pushed on. “Do you sleep?”  She asked. 

shake no

“Like, not at all?” 

shake no

She pushed her mind to think of what this could mean. If he wasn’t human, then all of this had to be pointing to something in particular. He had expected her to guess eventually, so she knew that she to know deep down what it could be. Had to have heard of whatever he was at some point in her life. Her mind wandered to horror movies, and the monsters that were written in countless stories that she had read. 

Suddenly a word came to mind, and she sat, silent for a moment, completely still in her seat, debating if it would be completely ridiculous to ask. Surely this ridiculous conversation was proof enough that she should just ask the damn question already. 

“Vampire?” She blurted out.

Jasper hesitated for a moment. This was the make it or break it answer. She would either take this information overwhelmingly well, or more than likely, run off screaming. The lighthearted conversation had flipped so completely in such little time that it left him reeling and wishing that he could back pedal, but he knew that there was no way. 

He hadn’t expected her to figure it all out so soon, but here she was, on the cusp of finding out everything, and they hadn’t even known each other a full week yet. The word had already left her lips and there was no chance that he would lie when the truth was already out in the air. 

He shifted his gaze down, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to look her in the eyes as he admitted the truth. “Yes.” He muttered. 

Her heart thudded in her chest, as the information sunk in. “Y-you’ve got to be fucking with me.” She sputtered.

shake no

Next Chapter

Tag List:

@itsmytimetoodream @jasper-the-beloved @parkchaeyoung1997 @bobaopal @izzyisstuff @soyeonrai @just-browsing101 @demirunner @dkbj14 @iloveramensm @imyelenasexual @bella7866 @ropickle @may-and-lay @breezybeesposts

[rederiswrites]

So ME/CFS (myalgic encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and fibromyalgia are two syndromes (collections of symptoms often found together, with unknown causative mechanisms) with largely overlapping symptoms. They're currently classified as different diagnoses, but there are plenty of people who aren't convinced that they're actually different things. The biggest diagnostic difference seems to be whether the pain or the fatigue is the biggest problem.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who, like me, couldn't possibly say which of those is ruining my life more. I, like many, fulfill all the diagnostic criteria for both. I have the specific patterns of pain and inflammation characteristic of fibro, but I also have the postural orthostatic problems (Stand Up Feel Real Bad disorder) and extreme fatigue of ME/CFS. There's no test; diagnosis is an inherently subjective thing.

This is just gonna keep being about medical problems, so have a cut.

I also have problems that may be related or may be separate or may be part of the constellation of physical issues associated with ADHD, like loose tendons that lead to terrible core strength and janky joints. So while generally the pain spots for fibromyalgia are considered to have no actual material cause, I am pretty sure that my right hip and shoulder are in fact fucked up, and fibro is just making it experientially worse. I've also got a rib that spends more than half its time in just slightly the wrong goddamn place. I have multiple friends who have hypermobility problems that make mine look like a papercut, but combining them with fibro isn't a lot of fun.

A few months back, at my bestie's prompting and with his help, I started eating keto, which is essentially just restricting carbohydrates so harshly that they represent less than 20% (or less than 10%, this seems to be bioindividual) of your diet, at which point your body begins building energy transport molecules out of fat (ketones) instead of glucose. This has a history of treating several conditions (originally, seizures, but now also diabetes and inflammatory conditions), well before it became popular for weight loss.

It was an experiment. Believe me, I have mixed feelings about the fact that it worked. At first, it worked really, really well. I went from mostly bedbound to up and working full days outside. I've started to hit diminishing returns and having to nap more often, but it's still a radical improvement. I just forget how bad it was too fast. I hate how fast we forget how far we've come.

I haven't talking about it though, because I am so conflicted about restrictive diets as a thing. This started as an experiment, and as an experiment I could sell myself on no apples no potatoes no rice no crackers no no no no etc for a few weeks. After a few weeks I could decide whether it was worth it. And now here we are and it works.

But I've gone through So Much food restriction, starting when Phantom was two and we discovered that gluten fucks us both up. Then the Boy was sensitive to so many things as a baby that I cut out the entire Top Eight allergens (let's see, can I remember? Milk, eggs, peanuts, gluten, corn, soy, uhh....others...) for a year while he was nursing. Once you've cut wheat AND eggs AND corn out there is almost no commercial product you can eat and you have to prepare everything from scratch. With a toddler and a baby. I was literally starving. I used a calorie tracker for a while and found that I was nearly a thousand calories short per day, on average. I could barely think.

It's become a huge depression trigger for me. I tell people that my last major depressive episode was triggered by not being able to eat dairy, and I'm not kidding. I'm struggling with it now, too. Most of the time I'm good, but still, despite medication, I get very low and I just want to be able to fucking eat something tasty and comforting and EASY. I just want...cheese and crackers. A whole piece of fruit. A baked potato. Rice with my stir fry. But then I eat too much fucking watermelon and I can tell the difference in my wellbeing the next day.

Food becomes a minefield. Every meal becomes a struggle. You question every bite, every symptom. At least once a day the whole thing is just too annoying and I decide to just not eat, because fuck it. I dunno if it reaches eating disorder levels, but it's certainly maladaptive. I hate that I've gotten here because what you eat actually DOES matter. it's like the question of how you talk yourself out of anxiety when the world is objectively falling apart.

But I can do the things I love. I owe all this garden progress to not having had a glass of juice or a bowl of pasta in four months. Not to mention the abrupt cessation of all my dermatitis problems, frequent "silent" heartburn, a ton of digestive problems, migraines, most headaches, and more. "Nothing is worth risking depression" but is it though?

I'm holding on to the hope that these changes will allow me to heal. That I'll be able to make long-term progress, as many people say they have, and reintroduce restricted foods gradually. That I'll be able to cement the opportunity diet gave me with regular movement and conditioning and slowly claw my way up the spiral.

But on days when I feel like shit anyway, and I can't have some fucking chips about it....yeah. It's not great.

[spacelazarwolf]

making a separate post but like. i don’t think some of y’all understand how genuinely traumatizing it is to have undiagnosed (or even diagnosed) adhd and go through school as the lazy stupid kid. i’ll tell you a little bit about what school looked like for me.

when i was in second grade, my teacher used to drag my desk up to the front of the class in the middle of lessons if i tapped my pencil or bounced my knee. she wouldn’t let me talk to any of my friends, and wouldn’t let me read my books when i was done with my assignments and was waiting for everyone else to finish. she would berate me in front of the whole class until i cried. her treatment of me got so bad my parents had to pull me out of school.

when i was in fifth grade, my teacher gave out “assignment alerts”, bright orange pieces of paper that indicated you’d forgotten to turn in an assignment. i was given dozens of these papers, and they started to build up, so it was harder to hide them. she would give these out in front of everyone in the middle of class, and she always made sure that when it came to me everyone knew i had the most. she would mock me in front of my classmates for my inability to keep up with homework and said that because my test scores were good it was because i was just lazy and didn’t care.

when i was in seventh grade, my teachers made me come up to the front of the class at the beginning and end of the period so they could inspect my assignment book and sign it, in view of the rest of my classmates, and announce whether or not i’d done my homework. when i inevitably forgot about assignments, they would berate me in front of the class.

when i was in high school, i wasn’t allowed to try to test into higher level classes because my teachers had decided that even though i did well on tests and papers, i wasn’t intelligent enough to take them because i couldn’t keep track of my assignments and deadlines. I was told over and over again that i was just lazy, and anytime i tried to explain what i later learned were symptoms of adhd i was berated and told i was making excuses.

when i was in college, i failed two classes my first year because i couldn’t keep up with the deadlines. the day before my second year, my best friend died, and i stopped going to classes. my teachers didn’t connect the dots because they assumed based on the previous year that i was just lazy and didn’t care about school. i failed several classes that year and never got the mental health assistance i needed, and my reputation at the school was pretty much shot. one teacher even went out of his way to try and fail me because he didn’t believe i deserved a degree. he tried to claim i’d plagiarized one of my papers to put a mark on my transcript. luckily he didn’t or i may have had to drop out. i had to do an extra year to make up for all the classes i’d failed, and barely graduated.

i did end up dropping out of my attempted masters degree (the only school that would take me with such a low gpa, and the only school that offered no scholarships or assistantships) because all of the teachers refused to give me any sort of accommodations, noting my bad grades from undergrad. i was given no patience or grace, my disability was not respected, and i had to drop out.

these experiences (which are just a handful of many) were so traumatic that they gave me diagnosed ptsd. i’m almost 30 and i’m still in therapy learning to cope with the horrifying levels of self hatred, anxiety, and dysfunction that my academic experiences gave me. i’m still learning how to even begin to function and take care of myself after i was told for so long by people who were supposed to help and support me that i didn’t deserve to succeed.

i fully understand how stressful it is to mask your neurodivergence in order to succeed, and how that can affect your mental health. i understand the high levels of anxiety and dysfunction in former gifted kids. i get that, and i respect it. but i’m honestly so tired of ppl trying to say there’s no difference in that experience vs. mine. that someone who had a 4.0 all through high school and college and got a good job is just as materially affected as someone who couldn’t just push through, who couldn’t make it through higher education, who couldn’t graduate high school, who can’t hold a job at all.

these experiences are all valid but they are DIFFERENT. and when the only people i ever hear about when talking about adhd are the former gifted kids, it makes me feel so incredibly alone. and maybe if there were a greater variety of voices and experiences that were showcased, people like me wouldn’t feel so isolated and self-critical. maybe we’d realize that we deserve grace and kindness too, even if we didn’t get to be the gifted kids.

[mathsbian]

You know what I was thinking about last night?

In the US, we pay into various accounts that are set up by the government to help us out later if/when we need it. These include unemployment insurance (UI), social security retirement benefits, and social security disability benefits (SSDI). These accounts are directly connected to how long you have worked and the amount of money you were paid, and are only for you to access.

We also pay into programs that are for anyone who needs them, no work required to get assistance. These include social welfare programs like SNAP (food stamps) and TANF (cash assistance for families with children so they can buy clothes for their kids and stuff that isn’t covered by SNAP) and SSI, which is another kind of disability insurance but is specifically for poor disabled people who are possibly still working but can’t afford their cost-of-living expenses which are higher than the average person thanks to their disability.

If you want to get money from SNAP or TANF, you have to prove that you need it. The government will be checking if you have a job and how much you get paid, they’ll look at your bank accounts to see how much money you have on hand, you send them copies of bill statements to prove your expenses eat up most or all of your income. Since SSI is a similar program, I can understand why there’s hoops to jump through to get money from that program.

However, if you want money from your UI account or your social security retirement account, you pretty much just have to tell the government you’re in the group that account is for now. For UI, you have to show you’re still looking for new work (at least in my state) but it’s a very lax requirement compared to the requirements for SNAP/TANF. I’m not entirely sure how one goes about collecting their retirement benefits but I assume it involves a similar process of filing with the government that you’ve retired instead of being between jobs, and they’re only check that that admission from you is true.

SSDI, though? You pay into that account your entire career. But then if you suddenly need the money, you have to go through a ridiculously complicated and drawn out process to be approved. UI approval takes a week at most in my state. I assume retirement benefits get approved in under a year at the very most. But getting approved for SSDI when you don’t have one of the limited diagnoses that automatically qualify you (and not even just a diagnosis in the list, a diagnosis with the right stipulations such as mental health conditions having to be present for over two years without much documented improvement despite consistent treatment)? That can take up to TWO YEARS because they can just deny you over and over again and force you to appeal the decision as many as like 5 times, and each appeal has a 6 month waiting period. And on top of that, once you stop working, the account starts counting down to self-destruction. You only have so much time before you lose access to the money entirely. If I am not found disabled on this application (I’m halfway through all the possible appeals), I will not be able to get my SSDI money AT ALL.

It’s fucking bullshit. I paid into that account so I would have money set aside for if I became disabled. I don’t have to prove I need the unemployment money, which I’m no longer qualified to receive, they’ll basically give it to me no questions asked. But when I’m disabled and barely scraping by for years I keep getting told that “actually from our review of your case it seems like you totally can have a desk job, go fuck yourself” despite me constantly including the detail that I cannot sit upright at a desk for more than an hour without needing to lie down completely flat for two hours immediately after. It’s MY MONEY. They’re not saving it for someone else, they’re going to just eat it if I don’t get it, why can’t they just GIVE IT TO ME???

[genesisvirus]

I love, you're, jevins...yap for me if you wish

heheh. finally, time to yap about one of my favorites. i have alot of opinions about jevin, most probably different from popular fanon so kinda nervous, but we'll see.

-very VERY few people know what species he's mimicking, due to him always concealing parts that give it away, including behaviors. he is a jerboa tho.

-while all the main sprunkis don't have parents for one reason or another, jevin was in fact orphaned and raised by a cult that worships black. he does call them his "family", but they don't exactly have that kind of relationship with him and can't exactly be considered as such. he was raised under the belief that black was a force of good.. in some way.

-the cult believed that black was kind and showed mercy to those that love him, that he is something to be feared but only if you didn't fall in line. he did exempt children from this mindset (supposedly..), however once the child grows up they're expected to worship him too otherwise they won't receive any mercy either. that's why jevin's family tend to target and take in kids in order to convert them, and why they took in jevin.

-despite what he's been conditioned into, jevin usually keeps his personal life private, and doesn't really rope anyone else into the cult thing. it may be him subconsciously recognizing that something is up with it, or maybe he's just. private all around. who knows.

-that being said, he does take it upon himself to keep an eye on the others. while he doesn't want to get personally attached to anyone, in case they don't receive black's grace, he can't help but worry for them at times. he lets tunner do the more direct approach of helping the others, while jevin stays by the sideline and just watches over them, maybe indirectly assisting them with stuff like anonymously delivering food, locating missing items and putting them in areas they'd find them, walking with others during the night time (out of sight) to make sure attackers can't take the opportunity to sneak up on them, etc. only a couple of people know that he does this stuff.

-he rarely if ever talks, and most of the time others have only ever heard him when they're singing (aka his choir vocals), so most people assume he's either nonverbal or mute. he's not, but it is fairly limited what he can say, so he'd probably be considered semiverbal. he's usually short in his answers (stuff like "yes", "thank you", etc.), and has only ever put in the effort to vocalize more around tunner. and black. but we'll get to that.

-he has autism, however it's not diagnosed yet. his family sees it as him being "gifted" (in the ableist way. yes), so he's aware he's different from others, but not How. this does feed into the whole isolating from others.

-becuz of his problems, he doesn't always join in whenever everyone is singing. if there's too many people it gets overstimulating FAST. he's also mostly seen as odd, and really secretive, due to that + everything else talked about. while others do enjoy his company a bit better than wenda's, since he's not as overtly stand-offish and rude as her, he's still pretty outcast.

-while everyone else has barely interacted with jevin outside of singing, tunner, oren, pinki, and durple do attempt to be friendly with him. oren and pinki are just, kind in general, with oren already recognizing part of the reason jevin is "different" and tries to offer help in little ways, such as suggesting noise-cancelling headphones and keeping his own vocals down when jevin is around. durple is just mostly laidback, so while he doesn't pry into jevin's business, the two can usually chill in silence away from the others.

-tunner at first wanted to know a bit more about jevin, due to him being so secretive and the fact that he knew jevin was indirectly helping others. he mostly just wanted to make sure he didn't have to be cautious of jevin's intent. the two did start bonding when they accidentally ran into each other a couple of times (tunner practicing his whistling by himself, and jevin sneaking away from the group when overstimulated), and eventually it became routine for them to chill with each other when they needed a break from the others. they'd have conversations on and off, usually not super long convos, but still noteworthy enough considering jevin barely talks to anyone else.

-he has a soft spot for sky, and worries about the kid. the two barely, if ever interact with each other, however jevin tries to make sure sky is safe in little ways.

-he is tech-illiterate and doesn't know how to work a computer. he'll outright freeze up if he's forced to figure out a computer. he's slightly embarrass about it and so only tunner really knows about this.

-his religious faith is so multi-layered that he does get bouts of "i need to be pure and faithful No Matter What otherwise i deserve to burn". while he refuses to lose his cool in front of anyone, even tunner to an extent, he does go thru the mental gymnastics of self-loathing if he does make a slip-up.

-his faith in black was so sturdy, he put in the extra step in figuring out how to summon black himself, something his family hasn't fully figured out how to do yet. or maybe just didn't bother to attempt it. either way, he did find a way to summon black, bringing him into the mortal realm. while he was (inwardly) ecstatic to be able to converse with the entity, it slowly changed as they talked. not only did he get extremely bad vibes from the entity, but alot of the things black was saying made him extremely skeptical of the "kind and just god" lie he had been fed. eventually it came to a point where the rational part of his brain finally kicked in and told him to get out of there, running away from the entity he summoned and hoping he'd be trapped in the circle jevin made, something that was supposed to keep black contained. it didn't.

-he tried to believe that black just went back to wherever he came from, when he realized it was gone. he tried to ignore the feeling of being watched afterwards. he tried to ignore wenda and simon's odd behaviors, as he wasn't close enough to them to truly know if it was cause for concern. he tried to ignore oren going missing. he couldn't really ignore the sky turning red, tho. he knew what that meant.

-at first he tried to keep his cool, as his family had technically trained him for this day, and so he knew what to expect. those "blessed" by black, hunting down those that opposed or didn't believe in him. he was just not prepared to recognize the faces of those "dead", and realized that he had no clue if anyone else actually believed in black like he did. he had no clue if anyone he knew, outside of his family, would be spared.

-he eventually found brud and tunner, and they grouped up. tunner immediately was suspicious when jevin made the comment that brud must've been spared, and he pried into jevin a little bit, suspecting he had a better clue of what was happening - especially since he's being so calm about it all. that's when tunner properly found out about the cult stuff - he heard bits and pieces, but assumed jevin's family was just a bit more religious than tunner was. now there was confirmation there was something more sinister.

-the two did argue about it, but during it they both realized that jevin had no clue what he was summoning wasn't what his family promised, and what the true extent of the damage was. tunner knew that jevin wasn't a bad guy, and so said in no uncertain terms - if he didn't want more innocent people hurt and killed, he'd find a way to fix this. jevin agreed.

-eventually tho they were found by wenda, and while tunner tussled with her, she stole his gun and shot him in front of jevin. jevin had frozen in that moment, however wenda didn't even attack him, and instead left him to watch tunner die. he pretty stayed with tunner until he passed, trying to make the situation as comfortable as possible for tunner. it was only when he realized brud was missing, and that there was screaming in the distance, did he decide to get up. he wasn't fully aware of how exactly the "dead" were created, and had assumed tunner was properly Dead dead. if he knew tunner would reanimate, he probably wouldn't have left.

-the screaming turned out to be pinki instead, however he managed to help her get away from durple. once they were safe, he helped patch up the injuries on her face, and as of currently the two are surviving together.

-he does attempt to reach the "dead" and try to help them, get them back to awareness and everything. unfortunately blackhat and the others stop him before he makes any actual progress, although blackhat finds it amusing to watch him attempt to help them.

-he still keeps on a stoic appearance, especially after tunner's death, however considering all the guilt he's experiencing right now, he is very close to losing it at some point. the promise he made to fix everything is kinda the thing keeping him together. for now.

-like the wiki says, he does own an axe, and does have it in case of emergency. it's highly doubtful he'll use it. atleast for now. he doesn't want to cause the others anymore pain, but if there's a life or death situation..