#I have several hobbies (in theory) but I'm not at the point where they feel rewarding yet so it's no fun

[diabeticgirl4]

I hate that I'm thinking it but man I can't wait to go back to work

[ca-suffit]

How do you rationalize the violence of the characters on this show? Imo, it's easier when it's self defense or when they're just killing to feed, specially the latter since most are just extras and we don't get to know or be attached to those characters. But there are more complicated cases, including physical and psychological abuse and literally everybody has been the abused and the abuser at some point. Not to/with each other, but definitely other people. There is power imbalance in all of the dynamics. Some may forget that since they keep jumping through timelines where things are perfectly okay or they're closer to making amends and making up. And also because the actors are friends and have chemistry on screen (speaking about the whole cast, not any duo in particular). But technically all main characters have abused each other. Nobody is "safe". So, where to draw the line? Psychological abuse? Physical abuse? The severity of the action (like continuously torturing someone who can't respond or match your strength is definitely worse than one punch, for example)? The frequency of the action, like, as long as it happened once it's okay? When a character is still redeemable/forgivable giving the fact they are immortals, so, in theory, they have eternity to better themselves and see if they can make it work? Or should they all be narratively punished (end up alone, suffering, locked up, dead etc)? What are your thoughts? Btw, I'm genuinely asking. I've become obsessed with this show recently and I haven't been able to talk about it with a lot of people, but I have these questions in my mind. Personally, the more I think about it, the less I know, tbh. It's part of why I love the show and I'm asking, btw. I want to see if I reach some conclusion lol. P.S. I understand if you can't/don't want to answer and I'm sorry this got too long. And if you do answer, feel free to make it long as well if you want, even if you want to make comparisons, add interviews etc. I love reading people's takes hehe. Anywa, thanks!

I don't try to rationalize it tbh. I think that's a goal of the show and the original books as well. What are u supposed to do if u have to "endure" each other forever? What still holds meaning if ur all immortal, how do u have relationships, hobbies, not get bored? Especially when everyone is born from trauma and sometimes that trauma was yesterday and sometimes it was 1000 years ago or 5000 years ago from a society u don't understand at all. How do u bring together so many ppl like that and not erupt on each other?

Trauma and mental illness and whatever else is not always pretty. Violent reactions to things are common and, at least in a society where punitive justice is the norm, we get used to putting these things in these boxes. "u did this bad thing so now ur going to jail / hell." The eternal question of the VC books is where do vampires belong, anyway? Where do they go when they die and for what reasons? Anne Rice never gives a v clear answer on this and it's not just bcuz she wasn't a good writer, the point rly is to just ask the questions. We don't have these answers as humans now, we can't confirm or deny if there's an afterlife and whether these things we do matter for a "soul" or not. We create social rules for many reasons but even those are not actually built on the back of "justice" the way ppl are made to think they are.

I don't think these stories are asking u to find a true "good" or "bad" character or characters. I think we're just meant to watch their choices and reflect on them, reflect on our reactions to them. The fandom's desire for Louis to have done something to "deserve" the drop is all about racism and nothing else. They blame Claudia for "manipulating" Louis into killing Lestat bcuz a black girl is never allowed to be a victim either. She's not even a girl to them anyway, adultification of black girls is another angle they use all the time ("she doesn't look 14 to me!"). They'll say look what Louis did to goad Lestat into fighting him more but they'll never say look what Lestat did to hurt Claudia and push her to that point, as someone who was acting as her parent for most of their lives together. That's always "ooc Lestat." What's happening on screen is a rorschach test for us as the audience and as individuals.

Like I wrote, I don't believe in punitive justice, so I don't think long term these stories are going to focus on that much. The trial was a sham to begin with and Lestat was never "rly" dead or meant to be gone forever. They're going to hurt each other and isolate each other in different ways, but if the show wants to focus on any real character growth, it needs to focus on ways the characters can learn to understand each other instead of banishing / killing each other. Relationships take real work like this too. Anne Rice could never write any of this but I'm hoping the show does. Seeing Lestat have awareness of the pain he caused Louis and the reasons he did it fr was a step in the direction I was hoping the show would go. The big question *is* how does a relationship recover from that? For immortals? How will it make others feel too, particularly Armand, if Louis and Lestat get back together? Will Armand reflect on his own abuse too? They all have a lot in common and they all want to be loved. If that's brought out into the open and treated with kindness and understanding, then the desire to maim and kill each other will greatly diminish tbh. Everything these vampires do to each other originates from a place of personal pain, feeling unlovable. "love is a monster" is one of the taglines for a reason.

[calalac]

Alright alright a couple of short(?) rants because my brain is kinda sad today, feel free to scroll on by

I have zero motivation to do my job because the task I've been given to do to fill in the gaps when there isn't enough of my actual job to do (which is about 90-95% of the time) has no real deadline so there's not really any reason for me to care about doing it, which means I basically spend the whole workday scrolling on my phone or dissociating (side note some people when I tell them about this are like Wow! I'd Love To Be Able To Do What I Want All Day And Still Get Paid and... trust me yeah it sounds great in theory but in practice it is absolutely mind numbing)

I'm lonely most of the time because I work remotely so I have so little human interaction during the day other than through my phone

I'm also lonely because I moved to this city about two months ago and although I'm gradually making some friends, so far I don't have any who I feel really comfortable just messaging out of the blue to be like hey let's hang out! or whatever so instead I'm in a cycle of "I'll just wait for them to message me first" - I also think I'm probably coming on too strong, which I always do when I meet someone new that I like spending time with

I haven't been able to settle into a comfortable routine yet where I'm actually doing my hobbies regularly, I've barely touched a book or a video game or my piano or anything crafty or writing-y since moving here. I think it's adjusting to living with my boyfriend and we still need to find the balance between spending time doing stuff together and apart, but so far (and this is entirely on me and my bad habits from past dysfunctional relationships, nothing to do with him, he is great and tries to encourage me to do my hobbies) whenever he gets home from work I just do what he wants to do (so like, make food, watch TV, go to bed)

to go back to the first point, my job is extremely dull and unsatisfying but it pays so much better than anything I've done before so I know I really shouldn't complain given the cost of living etc etc but I want to do something more fulfilling, something that actually makes me feel good and means something??? but I don't know where I'd begin to look because 95% of translation jobs out there are severely underpaid (barely over graduate wage) and I'm...... not really qualified to do much else

My dad has cancer for the third time in two years and I've immediately compartmentalised it like I always do so I Do Not Know how to feel about it

I haven't had the motivation to properly finish putting some things away/putting decorations up in our house which is slightly frustrating for me but also I know my boyfriend finds it more annoying than I do but isn't saying anything because he knows my brain is a mess and doesn't want to come across as bossy

I can't really connect to any of these emotions to analyse them properly because my head is filled with sand and static

(if you made it this far, here you can have this > 🎁)

[astro-ellie]

sorry!

big apology to y’all, to everyone who’s sent asks asking where i am and not gotten a reply, every request i just never finished/published. i’m making this to apologise for going MIA and also explain why :P

at first i was hit with a severe case of writers block, i tried to write but couldn´t get anything done at all. when i finally started getting my motivation back i started having health issues, i was in sm pain and couldn´t work, couldn´t eat properly and several nights i could not sleep. eventually, i went to the hospital thinking i would get some simple medication prescribed and it would go away after a few days.

instead i got really bad news. i´m in the middle of getting the right treatment and i´ve been more times at the hospital the past weeks then i´ve been ever in my life. it´s not something life threatening right now, but it´s something that has to be treated now so it doesn´t come to that. i haven't really understood what this actually means, like i can understand what this means in theory but to understand what this means to me is like impossible. long story short, my body seems to be losing the ability to do its' job and that's why i have been in so much pain and why my bloodwork looks so fucking weird.

i´ve decided to take a break from my studies and also i´ve quit one of my jobs both because i have to take it easy both for my physical health but also for my heart, this entire thing has affected me a lot. i feel like i´ve, for the first time in my life, has had to face my own mortality and i can barely even understand that this is actually happening to me. feels unreal and i´m kind of heartbroken for myself if that makes sense lol.

on the other hand! i need a hobby because i have so much free time on my hands compared to what i´m used to. i need to do something to keep myself sane and i´ve been thinking about getting back to writing. even though i´m still sick. it´s not as bad as it was before and i feel like as long as i still try to take it easy i am in the right headspace to get back to writing! expect to see more of me here, and feel free to send requests and asks again!!!

to end this, i´m sick but it could be worse, i´m getting the help i need to get better, i apologise to all of y'all for disappearing. also i am very grateful i have amazing friends who have had the patience to wait since i was too sick to even like talk on the phone at one point, and i'm so glad that i have people (both here and irl) that are just here for me. and i'm also glad that i have you, this place and platform for me to write and keep myself occupied and feel a bit more useful than i have the past weeks.

okay, that was all, sorry for making it so long. bye babes, hopefully talk to y'all soon <3

[000life-is-meaningless000]

is Happiness a Lie ?

@everyone

how often do you hear the phrase of the word or have said in your own life.

I have what I want and I am miserable ?

&

I Sometimes wonder if happiness is a mental illness ?

&

Becuz, whenever we pursue happiness we pursue misery ?

&

I don't know where happiness comes from, it just happens to happen ?

&

if you go to do your interest or follow your hobby or follow a passion you end up going to blow your brains out a shotgun because, it's such deep fucking misery ?

&

I really deep down do not Understand, why the fuck the pain exists ?

&

when you follow only your interest and you follow what you want to do when you're so self absorbed and you only do you you you, it seems to have a severe back effect, of backfire effect ?

&

it Seem's like having an Ego having a Superego and having an id are, All things of torture of the Soul ?

&

Pleasure, sex, money, alco,hol Grandiose magical Power's, Whatever the fuck they may be even in a video game being that a basically of a God and even in a video game think of mod's, some fucker playing a video game in the virtual world they are literally an all-knowing all-powerful fucking God

THIS DOESN'T BRING HAPPINESS !?!?!

I don't understand & Money doesn't buy happiness power doesn't give you happiness sex doesn't make you happy relationships don't even make your fucking happy like what the fucking happy why are we stuck in Eternal Misery ?

it seems like we're giving some kind of curse or a Divine middle finger isn't shit like that are like we're losing our soul

did you just fucking theories . . . . . I can't remember the last time I I know what that feeling felt like I'm trying to find people that are happy despite on the most miserable piece of shit you ever fucking saw I do my God damn best it's just a stare at people to see what make people happy and I know it's a lot of women give off fake positive vibes

fake loud screaming laughter they can all be that God damn happy fake compliments fake smiles they fake their entire persona !

&

I don't know what true happiness is I have I'm looking for someone who even is remotely happy and I can't find any of them except for probably the secret society they seem to be pretty fucking happy I don't care how evil they are they have some happiness but they have a purpose and you're supposed to live for something that's going to be a Erased due to time

everybody likes to live in this fucking Mass delusion that, what you do matters and that it will persist into the future long after you're dead but where the fuck is all this shit from the medieval era where's all this shit from the from the ages before us we barely have all any of the bodies left 99% of all the people that died in the past get completely absolutely genetically erased ?

💀

they're alive are 100% of wraith any Trace in all proof of it has also been erased there's nothing left of the path and then we only love for you and me the words we say the actions we do the ripples do not last forever and eventually they'll God damn ripples die out and all the changes that they've made are so subtle they can be reset very easily or undone.

💀

I don't want to understand why we're even alive I guess we're alive just to suffer at death I guess we're our souls are in these bodies literally just a suffer and that actually makes logical rational sense when you looking for Gnostic point of view and even Hindu also talk about we are alive just to suffer !

&

life is 100% fucking meaningless and I sometimes wonder if we are alive not to get not to experience pleasure not to get an experience of what it's like to be alive but we are alive just because of a sadistic fucking God wants to watch a suffer and our souls fall apart break and die

because our whole lives seem to be wrapped around worshiping a demon that's what it's all about the most powerful so-called God in the world is nothing more than a super demon

what you call God is actually An Almighty demon, the gnostics talk all about it

Demiurge

it's still also a Divine being it's just one of the most evil Divine beings to Exist !

&

or Alive to suffer being alive is never a joy never a treat it has no Meaning and no Purpose to it

&

you are not alive because life is a school, I don't really have a logical or rational way to describe or explain why any of us are alive ?

&

seemingly the only knowledge or fact I have is that life is literally pain and the only reason we exist is to suffer and get Drained Aka Loosh !

🙁

[deerydear]

My ego wants to put on a peacock show, so whatever I'll talk about this: I'm a girl, but this dude is literally like my fucking twin. I used to take steroids and they made me look all manly and shit, and I looked like this! AND MY NAME IS BECKY. I don't look so manly anymore cuz I stopped, but I still look like a cavewoman. .........unga bunga.

ME JANE, YOU TARZAN!

if i could just email myself in 2014 and say "this is what you'd look like if you were a boy" then that would satiate all the curiousity in my bones and I would be able to move on as a funky chick. goddamn! Another interesting thing happened, too... I don't know if this is part of maturity, or if it was the male hormones... because I was like seventeen when I started my two years of taking those..... but, you know how there are some theories that girls prefer more like, soft animal things, and guys tend to like mechanical shit? I mean, I personally found this very true. I kind of used to put on airs that I liked guns, and shit like that... but I wasn't so interested in the pure mechanics of it, or of anything...... I just liked animals, and plants, and living things.

"There are several studies though that suggest that theory of mind may develop earlier in females, and that girls and women are on average better at making inferences about people's mental states and adjusting their behaviour accordingly. These differences may arise, in part, from differences in social interest. Young girls even at 12 months old show a preference for dyadic interactions, spend more time watching a film of a face than a film of a car, and make more eye contact. They are more interested in facial than spatial/mechanical stimuli even at birth."

I'm sure there's exceptions to this, because I do think hormones play a big part in it, and some girls naturally have more testosterone.

It also depends on your genetic code. Some of your genes may be sensitive to particular levels on hormones, while other people's may not.

Such as in stuff like: Androgen-insensitivity syndrome, where someone may have a lot of testosterone in their blood... but their androgen-receptors may not function properly, or at all.... so their cells don't use the testosterone to activate androgen-sensitive genes.

I would also guess that some individual's genes could potentially activate with very little androgen, if the opposite can be true. All our genes come from a series of mutations! Everyone is different! When I started the testosterone, there was a point where I did start getting really.... intensely interested in shit that my old self had thought was incredibly boring and tedious.

I don't care if anyone thinks this is just pigeonholing, because I genuinely felt something happen. Like, it was inside of me. I kind of wish that it didn't happen. I miss just being a frivolous girl. That's such a not-girl thing to say.

I feel like someone might invoke the Placebo effect, but I am pretty sure....... that....

well, okay, so how it happened was more like: "oh shit, i'm not pretty girl anymore. i don't have my beauty to buoy me up anymore to the top echelons of society! i guess... um, i need a better hobby than just sitting and staring at myself in the mirror like the modern day narcissus?" I guess something that could have diverted this feeling was if I had learned some kind of intense mechanical skilled work when I was younger. I mean like, weaving, skinning, knitting, some kind of building. I painted and drew often, but that....... I don't know, it feels good to do something where the point of it is to make a functional product, and it doesn't matter how pretty you are, because functionality is the point. I mean, beauty is very important..... but so is food, warmth, skill....... I think that I coasted by too much on my beauty, instead of 'diversifying my portfolio'. so many people I meet say I'm goddamn beautiful, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I was like...... perfect. As much as I could have ever asked for! I knew this before I made the final decision to take the hormones. I knew I was throwing my lucky hand away. That damn snake in my head just kept saying, "it'll be better this way, i promise, just eat the forbidden fruit, man! take a bite!" now, I'm an exile

I think my other problem was that I just didn't want to make mistakes, so I often didn't want to try new things unless I thought it would go my way right off the bat. Which, there were a lot of things I wanted to do over the years, and now I'm doing them. I really easily could have not done the steroids and still could have learned these lessons. It's not either/or.... I knew this, too... and I just WANTED TO BE 'RIGHT'! I WANTED IT! I AM LUCIFER, MAN! I was the most beautiful, made into the most ugly by my own decision.

sorry to my evil twin, if that sounds like i'm saying that guy is ugly.... he's not really ugly. I wasn't talking about him. At least he's a real dude, and not a woman pretending to be a dude. He's got a ding-dong, he can back up the implication. and I have a poosaaaay, and when I was at that particular crossroads, I knew I could have just chosen to be proud of it. I was investing way too much of my mentality into some kind of ephemereal internet political world that's made-the-fuck-up out of the cut-up-and-stitched-together pieces of other people's lives.

This was written a month ago, or so.

"Those situated in the mode of Lucidity gradually go upward to the higher planets; those in the mode of Passion live on the earthly planets; and those in the mode of Dark Inertia go down to the hellish worlds."

--- Lord Krishna, the Bhagavad Gita.

Oh yes, I feel like a man of Passion, who stays in between. In that mode, one neither goes upwards, nor downwards, but stays static. It is his own choice.

I could quote more.

The Blessed Lord said: Again I shall declare to you this supreme wisdom, the best of all knowledge, knowing which all the sages have attained to supreme perfection.

By becoming fixed in this knowledge, one can attain to the transcendental nature, which is like My own nature. Thus established, one is not born at the time of creation nor disturbed at the time of dissolution.

The total material substance, called Brahman, is the source of birth, and it is that Brahman that I impregnate, making possible the births of all living beings, O son of Bharata.

It should be understood that all species of life, O son of Kunti, are made possible by birth in this material nature, and that I am the seed-giving father.

Material nature consists of the three modes- Goodness, Passion and Ignorance. When the living entity comes in contact with nature, he becomes conditioned by these modes.

O sinless one, the mode of goodness, being purer than the others, is illuminating, and it frees one from all sinful reactions. Those situated in that mode develop knowledge, but they become conditioned by the concept of happiness.

The mode of passion is born of unlimited desires and longings, O son of Kunti, and because of this one is bound to material fruitive activities.

O son of Bharata, the mode of ignorance causes the delusion of all living entities. The result of this mode is madness, indolence and sleep, which bind the conditioned soul.

The mode of goodness conditions one to happiness, passion conditions him to the fruits of action, and ignorance to madness.

Sometimes the mode of passion becomes prominent, defeating the mode of goodness, O son of Bharata. And sometimes the mode of goodness defeats passion, and at other times the mode of ignorance defeats goodness and passion. In this way there is always competition for supremacy.

The manifestations of the mode of goodness can be experienced when all the gates of the body are illuminated by knowledge.

O chief of the Bharatas, when there is an increase in the mode of passion, the symptoms of great attachment, uncontrollable desire, hankering, and intense endeavor develop.

O son of Kuru, when there is an increase in the mode of ignorance madness, illusion, inertia and darkness are manifested.

When one dies in the mode of goodness, he attains to the pure higher planets.

When one dies in the mode of passion, he takes birth among those engaged in fruitive activities; and when he dies in the mode of ignorance, he takes birth in the animal kingdom.

By acting in the mode of goodness, one becomes purified. Works done in the mode of passion result in distress, and actions performed in the mode of ignorance result in foolishness.

From the mode of goodness, real knowledge develops; from the mode of passion, grief develops; and from the mode of ignorance, foolishness, madness and illusion develop.

Those situated in the mode of goodness gradually go upward to the higher planets; those in the mode of passion live on the earthly planets; and those in the mode of ignorance go down to the hellish worlds.

When you see that there is nothing beyond these modes of nature in all activities and that the Supreme Lord is transcendental to all these modes, then you can know My spiritual nature.

When the embodied being is able to transcend these three modes, he can become free from birth, death, old age and their distresses and can enjoy nectar even in this life.

Arjuna inquired: O my dear Lord, by what symptoms is one known who is transcendental to those modes? What is his behavior? And how does he transcend the modes of nature?

The Blessed Lord said: He who does not hate illumination, attachment and delusion when they are present, nor longs for them when they disappear; who is seated like one unconcerned, being situated beyond these material reactions of the modes of nature, who remains firm, knowing that the modes alone are active; who regards alike pleasure and pain, and looks on a clod, a stone and a piece of gold with an equal eye; who is wise and holds praise and blame to be the same; who is unchanged in honor and dishonor, who treats friend and foe alike, who has abandoned all fruitive undertakings-such a man is said to have transcended the modes of nature.

One who engages in full devotional service, who does not fall down in any circumstance, at once transcends the modes of material nature and thus comes to the level of Brahman.

And I am the basis of the impersonal Brahman, which is the constitutional position of ultimate happiness, and which is immortal, imperishable and eternal.

[smol-grey-tea]

Here's that Mental Wellbeing Competition thing I submitted if anyone's interested. I did wanna make my own MaDD information guide anyways and now that I think about it I might do something like this for other mental illnesses too.

Oh I also may have stolen some things people said for this but I put my own thoughts on it so it isn't just copy pasted oof sorry-

My Mental Illness

What has always bothered me about news, social media, and most people I meet is that they generally preach for mental health awareness and acceptance all the time, but I rarely hear people say much specific. They may reference anxiety and depression or may give suggestions on improving mental health, such as eating healthily or contacting friend, but the conversation typically ends there. In my opinion, the key to improving mental health awareness and acceptance is through sharing stories of those who have suffered through mental illnesses themselves, and starting conversations about specifically the more obscure and unknown mental health issues to encourage people to feel less alone about their own struggles as well.

I have chosen to give my story in hopes that it will help other people in my school too. The following details the mental illness I have, which is presently unknown to most of the world. Please read with an open mind.

Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder

Everyone daydreams: sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, but it's generally seen as only a minor nuisance of every day life. However, what you may not have heard of is a coping mechanism mental illness called maladaptive daydreaming disorder (often referred to as MaDD), in which people may daydream excessively, to the point where it severely negatively impacts their daily life, taking up approximately 56% of the day. My daydreams are often elaborate stories with well developed characters, but some MaDDers may daydream about their normal life. 82% of MaDDers also report that daydreaming is usually accompanied by a repetitive movement, such as tapping, rocking, or pacing (like me), especially whilst listening to music.

Just like any other mental illness, MaDD can be caused by trauma, abuse or neglect, but it can also, in my case, be caused simply by boredom or loneliness.

Current Research

Unfortunately, as of the time I'm writing this in early May 2020, maladaptive daydreaming disorder is not recognised as an official mental illness by professionals because it is so newly discovered so it is currently still being researched. Eli Somer - the man who coined the name maladaptive daydreaming - co-authored several papers on it with Cynthia Schupak and Jayne Bigelsen. Bigelsen was also the subject of an early case study which saw her cured of MaDD with SSRIs, and more recently she has built a website to support people dealing with unknown conditions like MaDD: https://jaynerachael.com/groups/?maladaptive-daydreaming-disorder/

As it isn't an official mental illness, there is no official treatment, however personally, I find that using a diary app such as Daylio helps me remember to do important tasks as I feel proud when I keep a streak of not pacing for a long time or even just something simple like brushing my teeth. Other MaDDers recommend keeping the mind occupied with 2 tasks at a time or dedicating certain times a day to daydreaming.

Key Terminology

Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder/Maladaptive Daydreamer/MaDD/MaDDer/MDD/MD: MDD actually stands for major depressive disorder, and because MD can still be confused with major depression, MaDD is the acronym to use for maladaptive daydreaming disorder.

Immersive Daydreaming/Immersive Daydreamer/ID/IDer: An immersive daydreamer is someone who also has vivid and elaborate daydreams but they are not maladaptive and don't negatively impact their life.

Para: The people in our daydreams feel much more special and personal than simple characters in a story, so we coined the word para, which comes from the Greek word, meaning beside or next to.

Parame: A parame is essentially the 'me' that exists in the daydreams - for example, my parame's name is North.

Parain: A very recently coined term by a friend of mine - I don't have any parains myself but to some MaDDers, the term para is seen as a very positive word and so they don't feel comfortable referring to evil or 'villain' characters as paras so parain was coined.

Veritbond/Verit: Coined from the Latin word for true, veritbond/verit refers to a para that is a lot more special than the rest of them. To use a personal example, my verit, Red is the only para who I love and wish was real and I feel genuinely depressed when I don't daydream about him - this is completely different to the rest of my paras, and while I do care about them I don't really love or miss any of them.

Paracosm: This term refers to a daydreaming world or story. Some MaDDers have many different paracosms, some only have one, while I personally only have 2: the 1st (that I've name Shelter) is roughly 6 years old and the 2nd (Lost Children) is about 2-3 years.

Neuronarrative: The paracosm of a neuronarrator.

Thisverse: This word refers to reality, in comparison to paracosm or neuronarrative.

Paramay/Separatember: An online event in May and September in which MaDDers share their paras and talk about them, using a theme for each day of the month.

Daydream Crash: This refers to when a MaDDer feels sad or disappointed that their daydreams and paras aren't real.

Daydream Block: Similar to an art block or writing block, this refers to when a MaDDer finds it difficult to daydream. When I'm in a daydream block my mind often feels blank or blurry and it makes me feel depressed.

Daydream Trigger: This refers to something that triggers a person to daydream. The most common daydream triggers are music, TV, books, movies, etc.

Myths and Misconceptions

1. "But everyone daydreams!"

Yes, everyone does daydream, but maladaptive daydreaming involves daydreaming to an unhealthy extent. In my experiences, daydreaming often prevents me from eating, sleeping, staying hygienic, doing homework/revision, talking to my friends/family, doing hobbies, etc. It's maladaptive, that's why it's a mental illness.

2. "Why don't you just stop?"

Maladaptive daydreaming is a behavioural addiction and stopping MaDD would give me the same struggles that an alcoholic would have when trying to stop drinking alcohol. Daydreaming is constantly happening because I always have thoughts in my brain; I'm like an alcoholic with an endless supply of alcohol.

3. "That sounds so fun! I wish I had your creativity!"

MaDD can be fun in theory of course and the idea of daydreaming about such amazing things all the time sounds great but it isn't like that at all.

Firstly, I suppose I do have control over when or how I daydream but I have a very limited control over what I daydream about. I remember one point in the past where I was happily daydreaming about Shelter, my 1st paracosm, but I then soon started to daydream about Lost Children, and since I could only daydream about my verit in Shelter, this made me feel depressed.

Secondly, I also often have quite disturbing/dark daydreams. I call it an emotionally devastating/EmDe daydream because, when I daydream a para's pain, I can almost physically feel it, and it makes my heart hurt. EmDe daydreams have to be what I hate the most about MaDD because I would never want to see such horrible things happen to the people I love, and it makes me feel guilty for imagining such sick and disgusting things for my own brain's entertainment. I feel better though, knowing that I share these struggles with most, if not all, other MaDDers.

In addition to that, the obsession and connection with my parame has led to my own fear of needles and surgery, all because of her own trauma. My brain has created a fake person, with fake trauma, and given me real fear.

No, maladaptive daydreaming is not 'fun'.

4. "Isn't that just schizophrenia?"

No, all MaDDers can easily understand the difference between reality and fiction, and while our daydreams can be quite vivid at times, we know they aren't real. None of us have any sort of hallucinations, delusions or paranoia, unless we also have schizophrenia alongside MaDD - which isn't unheard of, since MaDD usually accompanies other mental illnesses, and people like me, who only have MaDD, aren't too common.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

To be Determined...

I am struggling with words tonight. I have a basic outline of what is on my mind, but I'm not sure how to fill it in....

I have learned recently that I don't have near the amount of friends that I thought I had. It turns out that most people are merely acquaintances and some would rather not know me at all. That is disheartening for me.

Most people around me know that I identify most as Sheldon - a smart yet awkward person. But lately, I have come to realize that I am a blend of the cast overall. I am awkward like Sheldon, smart, skilled, and methodical like Leonard, have a similar upbringing as Howard, have the romance and women skills of Rajesh, and the proprietorship of Stuart. While each has their pros and cons, this realization makes some things easier and others more difficult.

-takes a break to stabilize-

Most people around me, by this juncture, probably have figured out or otherwise know that I'm High Functioning Autisic (Asperger's). It's why I can't focus, why I struggle to multi-task, have sensory overload, can't complete projects on time if at all, and sometimes have to remove myself from an unfavorable situation. It's why I struggle to make friends, and speak truth and literals.

Friendships and relationships mean alot to me. I feel lonely alot, and friends are how I try to escape the deep abyss. Unfortunately, I have lost many best-friends over the years for various reasons. Most have walked out of my life for their own reasons, some of which I will never know. Some people have alienated me for their own reasons from the level of acquaintance or regular friend. Some people talk badly about me when they have had me blocked on social media for 4 or 5 years or even longer and don't know who or what I am now.

-starts shaking and stimming, trying to hold off a meltdown-

< I eventually fell asleep. >

I've generally avoided dating for the last 8 years. I've procrastinated, pushed it off, said I had plenty of time to approach that aspect of life. I have and have had some great friends. Some I have tried to court. Some turned me down, some put me in the friend zone, some didn't take it seriously.

As I started approaching my 30th birthday, I started realizing that I was running out of time for something meaningful.

A major focal point of the last 2 seasons of Big Bang Theory was the differing feelings of Leonard and Penny about children. Leonard wanted kids, Penny did not.

I've always thought I wanted to have kids. That I needed to have kids. I am an only child, and there is only one other male in the family with my last name. We are the only 2 ways that our last name continues on our branch of the family tree. So I've always felt an intangible pressure to have kids.

But, I'm 30. If I date for 3 years, be engaged for a year, then wait 2 more to have kids - I'll be 36 years old. That's ... Relatively old. And I'm not sure if it's even a realistic expectation.

I have thought about finding a woman that already has kids. I can't say that I'm neccesarily fond of the thought, but it's always an available option. The kid(s) wouldn't have my name or my family DNA.

Then I was reminded of something. One of my friends has adopted his step-children. They may not have his DNA, but at least they have his last name. And I know several single moms in which this would be an applicable situation. I'm not sure that I know exactly how I feel about it, but it's always an option, I suppose.

I am lonely alot. I have tried the free online dating sites and gotten nowhere. I have tried Facebook Dating and gotten almost nowhere with it. So I just work and continue on my hobbies as much as I can. I have nothing to lose.

Loneliness is hard to overcome.

I want to not be lonely. But that would require having places to go, people to see, things to do.

I have people, but they don't invite me anywhere. Most live 2-3 hours away. A few live a half hour away.

I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke. That significantly limits the places I am comfortable at. I could invite others somewhere, but where would that be? I don't go anywhere.

I work, work, and work some more. I don't have 'fun' things to do. I hardly have time to do the things I do now.

I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything fun or interesting, I'm not invited anywhere, and I have nobody to please. So I just work until I can't work anymore and live in a lonely world.

A lonely, busy, awkward, autistic world.

That I don't want to be so lonely.

I can't do much for my awkward and autistic tendencies. But I can at least try to do something with my loneliness. And I am trying. I'm just not getting far.

[wordsformurder]

Hi! This might get rambly, so ... First: thank you so much for writing String Theory and the entire Naughty Hookers series! It's a go-to for when I've had a shit week/month. Second: it's that time of year when I start knotting again, and just. I'm so frustrated and ready to tear my hair out? Like, I knit. I have knotted for several years now. But I'm not GOOD at it, and I don't think I ever will be. Patterns are confusing AF and make me wanna cry because I can't memorize them and (1/?)

(2/?) ... and I can't keep track of where I am in the pattern unless I devote 100% of my attention to what I'm working on and that, well. That turns it into something stressful, and that's the last thing I need outta my hobbies. My life and disabilities stress me enough. So I kinda have to be content with knitting smaller/simple projects like scarves, shawls, slippers and mittens, and accept that I am not destined for string-craft greatness. Which makes it sort of extra upsetting when other(3/3) crafters/knitters just assume that I'm new at this and will totally get better, and try to give me patterns I can't use that make me feel like failure. That is honestly worse than the people who are like "OU! OU! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED HANDMADE [THING], WILL YOU KNIT IT FOR ME?" I just. I dunno if I'm asking crafty internet strangers to validate me or just looking to vent, but obviously I took your invitation to talk crafts a tad too seriously, so thank you for listening. 

First of all, noooooo this is exactly what I meant when I said talk crafty to me, okay? So, hi! And I know exactly how you feel because I’m in the same boat. Crochet? I will do circles around you, laughing and making three dimensional complex patterns at the same time. But knitting? I SUCK at knitting. I can only do small stuff and it takes all my focus to do anything but a garter stitch and patterns? Yeah, ha, no. And I practice, I do, but I never seem to get better and then I go back to crochet for validation and the projects molder away. I want to make a sweater for a friend’s newborn and I am TERRIFIED of it, because I know it will look terrible at the end and I don’t want it to.

So if you came looking for advice, I got zero, except maybe try crochet and see if it suits you better? But if you came for commiseration, hi, yes, I understand you completely, and sometimes it SUCKS. But you get all hte points for not giving up and doing it anyway and hey, now we can be bad at knitting together? That’s, like, worth something, right?

[maneaterwithtail]

A lot of people were acquainted with him through his prolific participation in News & Politics, but to me Aaron was always an author, one half of the team behind Hybrid Theory. That fic was a bastion of creativity, drama, and wry humor; a ludicrous and ambitious premise, played gloriously straight. It provided me with much-needed hope and entertainment in years past. His death comes as a punch in the gut, and takes the wind of optimism out of my sails.

I never knew him well, and now I never will. Rest in peace, Aaron. The world is lessened by your absence from it.

-orm Ember

I didn't want to write this. 

Not just for the obvious reasons, that nobody likes to say goodbye to a friend like this. I didn't want to make this about me, because it isn't about me. I wanted to say something about him, to tell his story, to express the tiniest part of the loss I feel in a way others could understand. 

But I came to realise that it wasn't for me to tell his story. I can't. That story was for him to tell, and unfortunately, he cannot. The only story I have to tell is the story of us. So that's what I'll do. 

I met Aaron Peori when we were both new in high school, about twenty-five years ago. Glace Bay High was the tenth of the eleven schools that I attended in my eleven years of schooling, and so by then I was almost as well-practiced in "meet new friends" as I was in "meet the new local pack of bullies". Walking home, I noticed one guy about my age that always walked alone, reading a book. In other words, a fellow nerd, a weirdo, an outcast. Like me. After a couple of days of spotting this lone reading fellow, he happened to be reading a book by Christopher Pike, an author I also had books by. That was, as the saying goes, an opening.

"Hey, isn't that a Christopher Pike book?" I asked this stranger, casually, as if I hadn't already known.

He looked up at me, not even showing any surprise that some weirdo had walked up and asked about the book his nose was in. "Yes," he said, peering at me owlishly from behind his glasses, then after a moment added, "He's a good author."

By the time we reached home that day, we were already good friends. From that point on, in fact, we were virtually inseparable, aided by the fact that he lived almost literally in my backyard.

From the very beginning, we were creative collaborators. At first, we were using GI Joes and a few other toys in elaborate setpiece dioramas that spanned his house's enclosed front porch, and sometimes spilled out to occupy part of the year as well. Factions, sacrifices, betrayals, and no doubt embarassing-in-retrospect dialogue were all a part of those first afternoons and weekends.

I think he first got a copy of the Marvel Super Heroes RPG from his cousin. Before I'd met him, Aaron and his cousin had both been drawing their own comics about a space-based superhero team called Sonis. Now, with a tool that you could use tell stories about superheroes, and rules to arbitrate - our new great dioramas were ones made of words, not toys. I quickly made my own "expanded universe", about a group of mercenary superheroes called Heroes For Hire. 

At that point, what turned out to be a very long-lasting pattern was set. Aaron was the GM, and I was the player. Aaron created the worlds, and I lived the characters in them. He did want me to be the GM sometimes (it's more fun being the player!), but I was always uncomfortably aware how much better at it he was than me, and so I felt intimidated to pit my own lesser stories against the epics he created.

As time went on, another pattern that would be long-lasting emerged: Aaron and I's stories became vastly greater in scope. He rewrote the resolution system of the game to account for much higher power levels than the original design used (Ochre feats!), and eventually we dispensed with the rules altogether, playing completely free-form with no set rules and only the occasional dice roll. I learned to handle multiple characters at once, and bored at the success easily reached by my insanely overpowered characters, learned to find more fun in getting them in trouble instead. Aaron learned to handle the narrative challenges faced by trying to craft stories about protagonists who had literal "I win" powers, and weren't very likeable to boot.

Very little of Heroes For Hire would be something I wouldn't be embarassed to show off today, but my former internet nom de guerre "Blade" comes from the most central and overpowered character of those days.

About a year before I left Cape Breton, Aaron and I discovered two things of lasting consequence: anime, via his having a comic adaptation of the movie "Project A-ko" in his huge box of comics that I would regularly raid, and fanfiction, which I had been introduced to via USENET by another friend of mine, Mark MacIsaac. After I left, Aaron had more free time, and thus he started writing a story that combined two of his favourite things: the then-popular anime Ranma 1/2, and Star Wars. 

Aaron wrote prolifically, longhand on sheaths of paper, in his inscrutable and typo-laden scrawl. My role in those first stories, for all they were credited under both our names, was just to type these up and edit them - but that wasn't a small task, to be fair. I can type 60wpm despite still pecking with two fingers instead of touch-typing, a skill that dates to those early manuscripts. 

That level of collaboration, though, wasn't enough. Soon we took to role-playing games again, and I took on various Ranma characters in lengthy phone conversations where he was once again the DM. Those games formed several of the plots for Ranma: Curse of Darkness, and the entirety of the plot of Kyoto Chronicles (sadly never actually finished), along with other stories both Ranma and non that never made it to the internet. Again, he would write the scripts and I would type them up, now with more creative control and editing. 

The time came when we once again lived in the same city, able to really collaborate with both of us writing scenes. All of this finally culminated in Hybrid Theory, our longer-than-Lord-of-the-Rings magnum opus, and something we were both pretty proud of despite the various flaws and that we totally botched poor Rei's character arc.

After writing something like that, we were sure, it would be easy to write something for professional publication. But unfortunately, it never came to be. Circumstances separated us again, several promising projects got stalled after a few chapters, and then the grinding workload he faced at his job hurt his ability to write consistently.

But Aaron never stopped writing fanfiction. His mind never stopped working. Most of what he wrote was "junk" in his words, and he wouldn't even show it to me, but he was still thinking up stories and worlds and his favourite thing of all: elaborate fight scenes. He once told me he could write in any series, no matter how crappy or derivative, "as long as the main characters can run up walls".

It frustrates me that I cannot prove to anyone here how brilliant Aaron was, because that brilliance was hidden behind the various flaws in his prose style. His prospensity for typos never did much improve, though he could at least spellcheck stuff he wrote on a computer rather than longhand. He never got hung up like me searching for the exact right word, and so he often just used the same words over and over. For those that read his last work, I can only explain that I took out a ton of "snaps" - "snapped her head back", "snapped his wrist forward", "the snake snapped out" and yet there are STILL that many in there. I was going to do a much more thorough editing pass when it was finished. 

But that is all surface-level. Where Aaron excelled was in his vision for a setting and story. He could take the ridiculous and make it somehow sublime - indeed, he often challenged himself with making ridiculous or cliche concepts work. He could keep track of a million dancing pieces and know precisely which should enter the stage, and from where. It's not that I didn't contribute meaningfully to our collaborative efforts, but I often felt like a child with crayons colouring in the lines of a sketch by Da Vinci. Even if my colouring was good, it wasn't the masterpiece.

His players knew, though. Another habit Aaron kept for the rest of his life was GMing (though he enjoyed playing, when the opportunity was afforded to him), even if he couldn't do it as much in recent years. Aaron was a masterful GM, able to coax out strong story arcs and dramatic moments from players of any skill level, able to make NPCs that the players hated or loved or both, able to coax rambunctious player parties into dramatic clashes and events that never felt railroaded. But perhaps even more than that, he was a master of making game rules work for him instead of against him. Aaron loved role playing game rules: one of his primary hobbies and uses of his spare cash was to buy new gamebooks, even if he never planned to use them for a game. He'd devour them, expertly analyse their strengths and flaws, modify and house-rule them to his liking, and even a notoriously tricky game to GM like Exalted flowed smoothly in his hands.

His set of replacement Dragonblooded charms are still the best and most flavourful charmset ever made for them. And he always maintained that the best game system to run Star Wars with was the pulp action game Adventure! - which was the very last game I'd play with him. He was, as always on these matters, completely correct.

In another world, even with the problems we had, I'm sure Aaron could have been a published author. The problem, if problem it was, was that Aaron's prolificness stemmed from his own joy in writing and creating. Ultimately, if he was more interested in writing about a magical self-insert Sakura than he was in something "professional", then that's what he did. He took note of criticism and changed things if he got it, but ultimately the only critic whose opinion he internalised was himself. He wrote because he enjoyed writing. If somebody else enjoyed what he did, great. If nobody did, he'd write anyway.

Aaron and I were so close that my father asked me if we were gay once. We weren't - I'm straight, and he was (unknowingly at the time) asexual. But we loved each other anyway. We had the kind of easy camraderie and understanding where we could nostalge and talk for hours upon hours, week upon week, and never get bored even when we didn't have really anything to talk about. We were never bored of each other's company. From that very first day we met, we understood each other in ways that nobody else ever did, or ever would. I never pictured my life without Aaron in it. I was going to be a writer, I knew at 15 years old, with Aaron. I was going to move back to Canada someday - and live near Aaron. 

There is a hole, and it cannot be filled. It hurts, and it will always hurt. And yet I am greater for having it. It is unthinkable to wish that I didn't have it. My life without Aaron is unthinkable. I'll have to think of it, maybe another day, but not yet.

Aaron's last few years were difficult in some ways. He stuck in a predatory, horrible job that left him perpetually sick and exhausted, the only thing in the 25 years I knew him that actually forced him to stop writing and GMing for any length of time. He was too proud to take help, too tired to look for an alternative. He nearly died of a perforated ulcer a few years ago, and that added "chronic pain" to his ailments, and being him, he would only take painkillers when it became unbearable. It was unsustainable, we knew it, but he was always reaching for that promotion that would finally bring the shorter hours he had been asking for. In the meantime, he'd always say "Don't worry about me, I'm fine." I wish he had been right.

And yet.

In those same years, Aaron discovered himself. He discovered that he wasn't the strange not-wanting-sex freak he had grown up thinking he was, that there were many people like him out there. He got in touch with the emotions he had suppressed within himself due to a traumatic childhood experience, and while he sometimes had difficulty handling his newfound sadness (he was striken by grief like I'd never seen over the death of his grandfather) or anger (political topics were verboten in our conversations over the last few years), I believe that for all the pain and overwork and lack of creative output he was still in some ways never happier than he was these last few years.

He told me once that he wanted to find a partner of either gender, who didn't need or didn't want sex, but could be with him and hold him close when he needed it. I cried, and told him I knew he could find someone once he was out of that job. He deserved it. He deserved that happiness too.

This forum (although not solely) had a lot to do with him discovering himself, and that is why I felt I had to post about him here. You meant more to him than you know, and to some of you, though I don't know your names, I owe a debt I can never repay. Whoever you are, thank you so much. You helped him in a way I couldn't. The joy and hope of his last years came from the help you gave him.

And that's the end of the story of us. Aaron was exhausted, pushing himself beyond what he ever should have - now, at least, he can rest. Aaron was in pain, but now the pain is gone. There was nothing good or right or kind or acceptable about it, but it can't be changed, it can't be helped. 

Goodbye, Aaron. I love you. Thank you for writing stories with me.

-Chris Mcneil addressing sufficient velocity forums