#I have been lucky enough to get to experience a lot of very different places

[pyrrhiccomedy]

it's crazy that in st james park there's just pelicans. and the londoners are all like "oh yes that's just ribald jerry and his rangy lads, ignore them," faintly exasperated by the tourists who keep stopping to gawk at the fucking dinosaurs wandering around

[wishful-seeker]

Tips on how to avoid being unintentionally ableist

1. When a disabled person says they cannot do something, and you wish to offer solutions, do not make a solution that involves them powering through pain, or something thats not accessible to the disabled.

Example:

Disabled person: "washing dishes hurts too much and i cannot do it."

Abled person: "what if you did one dish at a time throughout the day?"

This statement is not respecting that this disabled person just said they "can't". Always respect that. No matter how simple the task would be for you.

Disabled person:" i think ill use plastic silverware so i don't make dishes."

Abled person: "plastic is bad for the environment!"

This statement shuts down the most accessible and disabled friendly option that this disabled person can actually do because of the abled persons personal beliefs. This is not helpful, and ableist.

Better yet, instead of offering solutions, ask them directly "is there anything you need that you do not have that would help you do this?" This allows the disabled person to think about what would work, and they will always have a better idea of what would work than you do.

To add on to this, when we say we have no more energy to solve a problem or do a task, or change our lifestyle, we mean it.

2. If you feel discomfort when a disabled person is talking about their health, good and bad, that is ableist. Your discomfort is coming from a place that deams disabled peoples very existence as a bad thing and you need to fix that.

For example:

Disabled person:" this week has been rough pain wise, ive been through a lot, felt like my body was on fire. Lucky i got new meds though and i think they're helping!"

Abled person: "can we talk about something else, this is a bummer."

Disabled people should be able to exist freely without worrying about your personal comfort. Do you really think its appropriate to tell someone in constant pain that their life is making YOU uncomfortable?

3. Do not treat disabled people as tragedies, do not romanticize their old life or put their current one down.

For example:

Disabled person: "yeah my life is pretty difficult sometimes, ive lost a lot but i still have happy moments."

Abled person: "it makes me so sad to see what disabled people go through :(. You used to love rock climbing and running, i would love to see you move around more again."

This statement is putting more value on the disabled persons abled past, and ignoring their life as a whole.

4. Do not avoid speaking to disabled people because it hurts to see your loved one disabled.

For example: my grandmother avoids conversations with me because it hurts her to see me in pain. While she has good intentions it leaves me being unable to be close to her. This is very isolating to the disabled.

5. Do not stop inviting your disabled friend/loved one out even if they are never well enough to attend. Unless we specifically ask you to stop asking if we can go out, good chances are we want to know you still care because again, disability is very isolating.

6. When a disabled person says certain things in their health have gotten better or worse, do not challenge this because you don't see a difference.

For example:

Disabled person: "yeah things are getting a little better"

Abled person sees disabled person using their wheelchair like usual: "i thought you said you were getting better?"

Better and worse are usually small changes only the disabled experience, its not like abled people healing from a broken arm. Better to a disabled person could mean they can stand for 10 more minutes.

7. Do not expect disabled people to ever be abled again, and again, do not put more value on an abled life.

For example:

Disabled person:"I have been using a wheelchair for 2 years."

Abled person: "oh you're young, im sure you'll be walking around in no time!"

This statement invalidates and ignores the disabled persons current life by hoping they get a more abled bodied life. Its fine to hope disabled people get better, but you don't get to decide what better looks like.

Hope this helps, stay punk.

[stellamarielu]

kili nsfw alphabet

content: nsfw, 18+, sexual scenarios, cursing

author's note: probably some hobbit/dwarf inaccuracies in here but kili is my fav and i’m just a tad horny for him sue me

a= aftercare (what they're like after sex)

kili's like a big cuddly teddy bear, drawing you into him and holding you close after sex. he craves the feeling of your skin on his as your chests heave. he's such a softie, humming quietly and gently playing with your hair, leaving any mess that was made to be cleaned up long after he's had his fill of physical touch.

b= body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partners)

he's proud of his legs. there's no hiding how beautifully sculpted they are from years and years of strenuous activity. a more honest reason of why they were his favorite body part however, was the fact that his muscular thighs had become one of your favorite seats. whether you were politely sitting on his lap in a group setting or straddling one of his thighs, greedily grinding against it during a heated makeout session, kili loved that you loved his legs.

as for you, he has a thing for your hips. the skin there is so soft and delicate, he loves tracing gentle patterns on your hips when he's fucking you, always grabbing them to push himself deeper inside.

c= cum (anything to do with cum basically)

he's a sucker for watching his cum paint your body; your ass, your stomach, your chest. he wants to cover you in himself, marking you as his.

d= dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

he likes it when you take control. he wouldn't admit it out loud but he enjoys when you boss him around from time to time. he's always your protector, your soldier- sometimes he wants to be taken care of.

e= experience (how experienced are they? do they know what their doing?)

he's definitely been with his fair share of women, and knows exactly how to keep you pleased in the bedroom. but he would never want to talk about past partners with you, always making sure you knew you were his one and only.

f= favorite position (this goes without saying)

he loves when you're on top. he gets to sit back and watch your body sink onto him, feeling every part of you with his roaming hands. but he likes the control that comes with it as well, being able to hold your hips in place and fuck up into you at whatever pace he desires. what's not to like?

g= goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

he’s the goofiest goofball to ever exist. although he has a different kind of humor when it comes to sex. it’s a tad darker and a whole lot dirtier.

kili would have you pinned against a wall in a more hidden hall of erebor with two thick fingers knuckles deep inside you. curling them in a spot that had you moaning out profanities only to be hushed by his hand on your mouth. "shh it's no fun if we get caught." his voice would sound so seductive and playful and he would be smiling deviously as he shot you a quick wink.

h= hair (how well groomed are they?)

i get the impression he’s probably not very groomed if at all. let’s be real. but the more wild the better, you just can't get enough. he’s covered in hair, the longer wavy locks on his head, his furry chest, and the unruly mane at the base of his cock.

i= intimacy (how are they during the moment?)

i think he strives to be romantic. not just in bed but always. he feels so lucky to be loved by you that he’s made it his life’s mission to shower you in affection. we love a man who yearns. but of course this means that he always makes you feel loved during sex.

placing a gentle hand on your cheek and cradling your face as you ride him pulling your gaze down to his. “you are everything to me” his sudden sweet words causing you to relax further onto him. “i’ll never stop loving you” his words bringing you both to the edge of your pleasure, eyes locked on one another and hearts full.

j= jack off (masturbation headcannon)

he's a busy boy and doesn't have a lot of time to pleasure himself but it does happen occasionally. although, most of the time if he's in the mood it usually just ends with you in his bed.

k= kink (one or more of their kinks)

overstimulation!! he is pretty much obsessed with making you cum. he's competitive and a lover boy- the two qualities merging together and brining out a side of him that relishes in your all consuming pleasure. he would get off on making you finish multiple times in a row until you were almost crying for him to stop, his ego swelling with the power he has over you.

l= location (favorite places to do the do)

he's really into fucking you in semi-public places, the thrill of it is undeniable. but when it comes to his favorite place to have sex, it has to be your bed. there's just nothing better than being able to take you exactly how he wants with as much time as he needs. switching positions and being able to hear you moan for him is a must for kili.

m= motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

nearly everything about you turns kili on, but his absolute weakness is when you kiss his neck. as soon as your lips are on his jaw he's practically whimpering your name.

n= no (something they wouldn't do)

he never wants to be too rough on you. when he's in the right mood he'll enjoy the occasional smack to your ass or a tight hold on your throat but anything more than that is a no for him. he can't stand the idea of causing you any sort of pain.

o= oral (preference in giving or receiving)

this is truly 50/50

he will NEVER deny seeing you on your knees for him, but when kili finds himself between your legs he'll stop at nothing to absolutely devour you. every. single. time. spreading your legs as far as he can and making an absolute mess of you, finding satisfaction in your pleasure.

p= pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual?)

he can do both.

he's typically very loving and caring during sex. slow deep thrusts and sensual kisses all over your body wanting to show you how much you mean to him.

but I do think there's a big part of him that likes to be a little bit aggressive with you, especially when he's fresh from battle. his adrenaline pumping and the need to dominate still on his brain. he would return to your bed chamber wasting no time undressing you both, pushing you onto the bed on your hands and knees. kneading the flesh of your backside in his palms while he pushes into you abruptly and completely, muttering dirty things as he tugs on your hair, “always so wet for me” “you’re such a whiney little thing, did you miss me darling?”.

q= quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often? etc.)

quickies excite him. the idea of having you where he wants to, when he wants to really gets him going. he'll take any opportunity to pull you aside and get his hands on you. bonus points if he's annoyed or angry about something and you let him take out his frustrations with a quick fuck.

r= risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

he's a huge risk taker in every aspect of his life, addicted to the adrenaline rush of preforming under pressure, it definitely makes your sex life exciting. let's just say he's good at keeping you on your toes.

s= stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last? etc.)

i think he could last pretty long if he wanted to, but he doesn't often care to try. he'd rather succumb to the pleasure of feeling you wrapped around him. coming undone and then spending some time between your legs to work himself up for a second round.

t= toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or on themselves?)

toy options aren't vast for the two of you but you had dabbled in the world of restraints and blindfolds. he's open minded in the bedroom and willing to try anything you throw his way.

u= unfair (how much they like to tease)

biggest tease on middle earth. sometimes he doesn't even mean to tease you, he just always has to be touching you. you're like two teenagers who can't keep their hands to themselves.

he would be seated next to you while you joined the company for a meal, letting his hand softly rest on your knee playing with the hem of your dress. as time went on he would trail his hand up and up until it found it's way to your inner thigh. he would dance his fingertips on your bare skin inching closer to your core making your breath hitch in your throat. he would be wearing a smirk so big fili would ask him what was so funny.

v= volume how loud are they? what sounds they make, etc.)

our boy kili is vocal. i'm talking a groaning, muttering, whimpering mess under your touch. he rarely tried to hold back letting you know how good he felt when he was with you.

w= wildcard (a random headcannon for the character)

ears! ears! sensitive ears! being a dwarf, kili's ears are big and beautiful and oh so sensitive. you had a lot of fun with this, always using his reactivity tease him. you would be around the others and go to tuck a stray piece of hair behind his ear letting your fingertips linger on the delicate skin, earning a challenging glare from him.

or you would use the sensitivity to drive him mad in bed. the two of you tangled in sheets, his body hovering over yours, thrusts growing lazy. you knew he was close causing you to reach a hand up to tangle in his hair but when your touch met his ear you could feel his movements quicken. the pathetic whimper that left his lips as you traced the cartilage of his ear had him burying his face in your neck as he finished.

x= x-ray (let's see what's going on under those clothes)

he's well endowed but not massive. the perfect size to stretch you out and fill you just right.

y= yearning (how high is their sex drive)

he is literally locked and loaded at all times of the day. all it would take is one slightly sultry gaze in his direction and he would find a way to sneak you somewhere private enough to whisper in your ear all of the things he has planned for you later.

z= zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

as stated earlier, kill adored after sex cuddles and often times that led to both of you falling asleep in each other's arms. there was hardly anything more comforting to him than your warm naked body melted into his, he couldn't help it if he dozed off in such a cozy position.

[bogkeep]

i feel like a lot of people say they are "bad at taking criticism" because the idea of sharing something something very personal and vulnerable online means you might get lots of feedback and criticism from a crowd of strangers, and accepting and catering to all of them seems daunting, maybe even impossible. that's because it is, and you do not have to do that!

like don't get me wrong, accepting criticism is a Skill - one you can train and practice - that requires being able to separate yourself from your work enough to not take it personally, being able to think critically about what you want to achieve with it and whether or not the feedback aids in that goal, and sorting valuable feedback from the unhelpful. and it's hard!!!! i think most creatives have a fraught relationship to feedback, and the people most adapted to it have simply had the most practice and experience.

there's a time and place. if you are working, professionally, on a project with other people, then yes. taking and incorporating feedback is crucial. if you are posting silly doodles for free on the internet, you don't actually have to take Stranger26284 seriously. you don't know their taste and credentials, so whatever they have to say is likely completely useless to you. i know we have an internet landscape where we do media criticism for fun and often bemoan how if only creators LISTENED to their AUDIENCE, the Thing would be Perfect. maybe it's even true, sometimes. but we don’t know what the circumstances of the creation was, nor can we retroactively demand something already created to have been created differently. we can take our own observations and thoughts into our own work, or maybe you should be so lucky to be someone's trusted editor or feedback buddy or beta reader. but like. idk! people create different things, differently, for different reasons. you're not a bad creative if you don't take unsolicited criticism very well - you didn't ask for it.

[httpswritings]

endless cycle — Alexia Putellas x Reader

Warnings: smut, toxic non-relationship

Word count: 886

Summary: Facing reality after giving pleasure to Alexia.

A/N: Second part of vicious cycle.

You were right. That same night, Alexia ended up in your bed. You didn't have any training sessions tomorrow, so you knew it was going to be a very long night.

Her lips devoured every centimeter of your body as you grabbed her blonde hair with your hand.

“You love it when I grab your hair like this, don't you?” With a few bites on your collarbone, she said, “You already know the answer.”

Feeling the warmth her body exuded was something else.

Alexia had a thing for kissing you on the tip of your nose and on both of your cheeks. You usually wondered if she had been like this with her previous partners. If this was part of the way she made love or if you were lucky enough to be the first one to experience that, “I love your kisses, Ale.” You noticed her smile growing wider as she was focused on giving you a few pecks on your left cheek. “You're so adorable, amor. Just how I like it.” You wish she would've told you how much she loved you. You've never heard Alexia say those words, not even to her closest teammates.

“You know what I need, right, mi chica?” You did, so you proceeded to stabilize yourself on the bed with your back on the mattress. “Can I ask you why you like riding my face so much?”

Alexia blushed. Wait? Alexia blushed? “I don't know. You know how to make me enjoy being on top of your face.” You felt satisfied with her answer but still decided to push her a little more over the edge. “So it has to do with me and not because you enjoy the posture itself? Have you ever done it with other women?” Alexia sat down on the lower part of your stomach as she caressed that part of your body. She was fully naked on top of you, with her messy blonde hair falling over her breasts. “I have done it before, but you're the first one who has made me enjoy it to the fullest. I used to think that it was a posture that required a lot of effort, but with you, it's different. You know how to touch a woman overall.”

You tapped your lips with your left hand as a sign for her to sit down on them. Alexia placed both of her thighs on both sides of your head. You gave her thighs a few quick kisses, winning some giggles from Alexia. Every time she laughed during sex, it was more difficult to not tell her how much you loved her and how beautiful she looked. That intimacy you had been building over the months. 

She pressed her body down on your lips as you began to move them across her folds. “See, this is what I'm talking about. You know exactly how to make me feel so good,” she said as she moved her hips slowly, grinding on your tongue.

After a while, she warned you, “Shit, I'm coming already, mi amor. Don't stop!” Alexia came right after, feeling her body tremble. She got off you and started kissing your neck, but you made her stop. “I don't feel like it, Ale. Maybe another day.” Alexia got worried, as it wasn't the first time that you had some trouble carrying on, especially after you had given her an orgasm. “Mi amor, is there something wrong? We aren't going to do anything if you don't want to, and you don't have to justify yourself. I just want to know what's happening and if you need something from me.”

You needed her. You had her sexually. She was everything you ever wanted sexually: caring, communicative, easy-going, etc. But you craved having her at home as you woke up. Looking at her after getting out of the shower. Making breakfast for her. Getting home and seeing her already there. You craved her as a girlfriend, not just as a sexual partner and as a teammate. “No, it's fine, Ale. You can leave now if you want to.” Alexia felt a little bit pushed back by your tone. She gave herself two seconds to breathe before she snapped. “No. I'm not leaving. Not until you tell me what's going on with you. It's not the first time this has happened, and I want you to enjoy it as much as I do. If you don't enjoy it anymore, please keep in mind that we can stop doing it.”

That last sentence made you close your eyes as if a knife had been stabbed in your stomach. You realized she could stop whatever this was whenever she wanted; you couldn't. You felt so captivated by Alexia; you'd made love to her every night, even if that implied losing her in the morning. Making love to her was the purest act of love you felt you could do for her. “Alexia, leave. I'm not really in the mood. That's it.” She knew you were lying, but she didn't want to force you with her presence. “Okay, I'll leave, but please know that I'll be there whenever you need me.”

You were head-over-heels for her. That comment made you soften a little bit, and you rushed to kiss her temple. “I know, silly.”

[winterchimez]

No Longer Human | Ju Haknyeon

SUMMARY: what happens when you find yourself in a life-and-death situation, only to have Lucifer himself approach you, seeking your help to change his fate and avoid succumbing to evil? is that even possible? and when you discover that you are the long-forgotten Lake Deity, possessing the ability to purify all forms of evil, will you accept his request in exchange for regaining your powers?

PAIRING: lucifer!Haknyeon x f!reader

GENRE: fantasy/devil au, strangers to lovers, angst (like very heavy ngl), horror, some fluff, slight suggestive

WARNINGS: nc-17, slow-burn, it's a devil's au so expect it to be dark & angsty af (but fear not there's some comedy & fluff in between), mystical creatures (sacred deities, demonic creatures, devils, fairies), cursing, violence, blood, mentions / descriptions of weaponry (katana, kunais, spears), alcohol consumption, petnames (princess), betrayal, minor characters deaths, reader goes through a lot of traumatic experiences (so yknow bear with her pls 🥺), multiple nightmares, suspense, gore, kissing, a couple of life-and-death situations throughout the fic, Haknyeon & reader bickers A LOT, proofread once (lmk if i missed anything!)

WORD COUNT: 26,972 (haha.)

A/N: my writing comeback folks 🫡 and this is also my submission for deoboyznet's bite back halloween event!! happy belated birthday to my other 妹 on this platform @ethereal-engene im so sorry i couldn't get this out in time on your birthday but it's finally here & i hope it's worth the wait (and ily so so much forever!!) 🥹💗 also shoutout to @sungbeam @momhwa-agenda for pitching in ideas for me from the start & really helping me through with this ❤️ (also yall say thank you beam for deciding the banner for me 😤)

You have lost count of the number of times you have been on the run. 

As much as the fear and adrenaline overwhelmed you, you tried to not look behind and kept running forward while doing your very best to not trip on the pebbles and sticks scattered throughout the forest. 

The sound of you stepping on the branches didn’t help in the slightest bit, as it only alerted and made the enemies quicken their pace faster than they already were. The forest wasn’t a great place to hide in after all—you could only last for a good minute, even behind the thickest possible tree if you were lucky enough. 

After running for what seemed like forever, you finally set your eyes upon the glistening light beyond you, and a smile was finally plastered across your face, replacing the horror you had prior to this. 

But it seemed as if your happiness wouldn’t last for long. 

You find yourself at the top of a cliff, and sweat begins dripping down profusely from your forehead as you look at the crashing wave beneath. It definitely didn’t help that the weather was horrible, causing the waters to flow at an aggressive pace that would ignite fear within oneself upon whoever laid their eyes upon them. 

Turning your head from the left to the right, you desperately tried to make out a different escape route. Perhaps climbing down the cliff instead? However, you knew it was out of the question, given that the rocks were slippery from the rain, and you would immediately lose your grip and fall straight into the waters.

There may be vines you could tie up to help you swing from the cliff to the other side of the forest. But given the situation, there was absolutely no way you were going to make it in time. 

So you were left with only one option: below. 

Immediately, a low growl was growing increasingly louder behind you, and you slowly turned to look at the source of the sound. The demonic creatures appeared right where you were, leaving only a few metres apart before they slowly crept your way. 

Taking a few steps back before you felt that you were on the edge of the cliff, you jerk your head back to take one last look at the crashing waves below, knowing that it would be your only way of escape from your persuaders—that is if you would eventually make it out alive or not.

With a deep breath, you turned and leapt into the water, paddling frantically to stay afloat. The experience felt straight out of a horror movie: the freezing cold water, the strong currents relentlessly slamming into your face, making it hard to catch a breath. At times, you were completely submerged, cut off from sunlight as the waves dragged you under.

And you absolutely feared and hated the dark deep waters underneath. 

Before you could even figure out on what to do next, the water slowly washed you up ahead, and the next thing you knew was that you were at the edge of a streaming waterfall. 

This was it. It was the end. 

For the last time, you looked straight up into the gloomy grey skies, taking in everything you could see before shutting your eyes tight and submerging yourself into the deep waters. 

Goodbye, forever.

"Y/N, do you believe in the demonic creatures?” 

“Huh? What makes you say that?” 

The man chuckled. “No, nothing much. I just never hear you talk about them as much as your peers did.”

It wasn’t unusual for your mentor to ask you random questions out of the blue, as he was knowledgeable in every field and quite a superstitious man himself. Besides, there has been an increase in sightings of demonic creatures across the nation, and you assumed that he could be worried about your safety. 

“With all due respect, sir, I assure you that you don’t have to worry about me in the slightest-”

“But the other young lads are working together to devise a plan to drive the spirits away for the safety of the townsfolk. So tell me, why are you still here then? All alone and staring into the waters?” 

You knew that you couldn’t keep up the facade any longer, and you weren’t too sure if your mentor would accept the excuse you were about to give. But you have always stood firm with your beliefs, and you weren’t going to let somebody else convince you otherwise. 

“I honestly don’t see why the public would pose them as a threat to our community. I humbly believe that everyone, even spirits roaming on earth, has reasons to do whatever they were tasked to fulfill. Sure, the creatures may seem scary looking, but what harm is there if they have not laid a single finger on us?” 

There was a silence. 

Your mentor was just staring straight at you, not saying a word. 

You figured that he was probably stunned at your answer, given the fact that you were the only one who felt neutral—even siding with the creatures, if you will, compared to your peers.

That was why you decided to keep your mouth shut, fearing that you might cause an uproar among the community. 

Suddenly, your mentor’s eyes darkened, and there was this ringing sound in your ear, being unable to pick up whatever he was trying to tell you before your subconscious slowly drifted apart.

What was going on? 

You tried your best to shout and scream for all you could before your eyelids began to droop. 

And for the very last time, you were able to make out the words that your mentor was trying to mouth at you.

“You’re going to regret this, Y/N.” 

Instantly, your eyes darted open, and you jerked up from that nightmare you had just had, trying your utmost best to catch your breath before focusing your vision on looking at your surroundings. 

You were alive. 

It seemed as if you had ended up at a creek, and there was no sign of the demonic creatures that had been chasing you from before. Given that you had a great sense of a presence nearby, you heaved a sigh of relief, knowing you were safe from danger.

At least, that was what you thought. 

You definitely failed to recognise a presence crouching down on your right who has been staring straight at you for god knows how long.

“So you have finally woken up.” 

Immediately, you screamed and backed away from the sudden jumpscare, trying your best to calm your fast-paced breathing down once again. “Don’t do that! I don’t need more jumpscares than I’ve already had for the day,” you retorted. 

That was when you finally stopped to look carefully at the man in front of you. He had strikingly blonde hair, beautiful eyes with some hints of red at the corners, and a white tank top paired with a black leather jacket over it. 

He was very attractive looking at that too. 

“You were having a nightmare, and you just wouldn’t stop squirming around when I tried to revive you,” the male replied. 

“Revive me? You saved me from the waters?”

“Hell yes I did. Shouldn’t I be getting a simple “thank you” for that?” 

Immediately, you sat up and tucked your legs underneath with your knees touching the ground. Then, you bowed your head, signalling that you were grateful for the man’s kind act. 

Instead of saying anything, the male continued staring at you from top to bottom, making you feel slightly uneasy. You weren’t sure if you were supposed to speak up, so you decided to fiddle with your fingers, hoping that he would notice that it was time to break the ice. 

Thankfully, the silence between you both didn’t last that long, and a little scoff escaped his mouth, making you feel confused and somewhat a little terrified. 

“Umm…is something the matter?” 

This time, the male rests his chin upon one of his hands as he tilts his head to the side a little. “You seemed so much different from what I have been told.”

“Y-You know me?” 

“Everyone knows you, Miss Deity Of The Sacred Lake.” 

Huh? What deity, what lake now? 

You stared at the male for a good ten seconds before tilting your head to the side and giving him this most innocent look he had ever seen on a supposed deity that he had been trying his best to locate for a while now.

“So the rumours are true,” he sighed before finally getting up to dust his clothes from pebbles or sand.

Before the male could turn his head back, you quickly jumped onto him, causing him to fall straight back onto the ground—crawling him up and gripping onto his collar for dear life.

“Please! Please help me! I need to know who I am and why these mysterious demon-like creatures have been chasing me!” You cried out loud, and your voice was shaking. 

You could tell the male was astounded by your reaction because, according to his sources, you weren’t supposed to be in this state. Well, rather—when you were who you were actually known for before the chaos that happened. 

All he could do was let out a deep sigh before leaning back slightly and narrowing his eyes before speaking up again. “What makes you think I can trust you with this little act you’re putting up? Who knows, you might be making a fool out of time.”

You scoffed. “Do I look like I’m playing around right now, mister? I literally almost lost my life back there. If you can’t help me, I’ll just keep wandering around wherever this is until I get the help I need.” 

You snarled at the man himself before you stood back up and turned your heels in the opposite direction, stomping away furiously as you listened to your hot breath as second. 

“What the fuck was his problem? What an actual scumbag-”

Before you realized it, you were suddenly lifted off the ground, and the next thing you knew, you were being piggybacked by the same guy as before. You kicked your feet and tried to cause a ruckus, desperately wanting to break free, but he only tightened his grip on your thighs.

“Let go of me! You’re not helping at all!” 

“Nice try, Miss Deity. You clearly failed to notice how there’s a branch stuck right in your left ankle, and the bleeding is becoming much heavier each minute.”

What? Are you hurt? 

The moment you heard those words, you quickly looked down to see that your ankle was now covered in blood—yet you felt zero to no pain this whole time that it happened. Were these some kind of superpowers you had? Perhaps what he was saying about you being a deity is true?

For the past week, you've had many more questions than answers, and you finally concluded that he is your best source of help right now—whether you like it or not. 

With that, you sighed before slumping onto his back, which was surprisingly warm (contrary to his somewhat cold behaviour). Then, you wrapped your arms around him as he walked off into the distance. 

The entire walk was silent, and neither of you spoke a word. You weren’t too sure if you should break off the awkward tension between you both, so it was probably best to just leave it as it was until the male finally spoke, easing the atmosphere just a little.

“What’s your name?”

“H-Huh?”

“You don’t expect me to keep calling you Miss Deity throughout the journey, don’t you? I’d much prefer calling you something that’s much easier and comfortable for the both of us.”

You paused. It has been a while since you’ve last heard your actual name, and you couldn’t remember why that was. Your memory was still all foggy and blank, and you almost forgot what you were called besides this so-called “deity” that the man kept addressing you as. 

It was at the tip of your tongue, but it took a while to put the words together and finally answer the male’s question.

“I-It’s Y/N…I think…” You mumbled as you hid your face in his jacket to hide yourself from embarrassment, waiting for him to make another comment about your odd behaviour. 

But neither of his teasing remarks came, and he replied with something you had least expected to hear from him. “Haknyeon. We’ll be stuck together for a while anyways; I figured it would be best to get to know each other better from now on.”

You both eventually found a secluded area within the woods. There was a little cave right where you had both stopped, where you would take shelter for the night. Given your history of being afraid and alert most of the time, Haknyeon had reassured you that nobody was to come here and that he had scoured the cave, making sure it would be ideal to rest here for the night. 

Haknyeon seemed a lot quieter than before as he placed you on one of the rocks to take a seat. He set up the whole area for you two—making a bonfire, going around to hunt for food, and even putting his jacket over you to keep you from the cold. 

You were still trying to process everything as you kept looking at the male walking through the woods, trying to piece together everything he had said to see if it made any sense. 

He did mention you were the Lake Deity, and you kept replaying that nightmare you had right before you woke up at the creak. Who exactly was that? Why did your mentor warn you about the regrets that you would have coming your way? 

Most importantly, who exactly are you? 

As Haknyeon finally took a seat and began roasting some of the freshly caught fish on a branch, you slowly approached him and sat right next to the male himself. Haknyeon wasted no time handing you one of the fish, but you stared at it blankly before he was the one to break a small piece and shove it straight into your mouth.

“I don’t want to be responsible for your starvation, so I highly suggest you eat something for the night,” he replied bluntly. 

You shot him a little snarl before biting into the meat, but you had to give him credit—it tasted much better than you expected. You couldn’t even remember if you were used to food like this in the wild before losing your memories, but this certainly passed as a good meal.

Now that you'd gotten a proper taste of your meal for the night, you grabbed an entire fish and began chewing. However, the glum look on your face was too obvious to ignore, prompting Haknyeon to speak up once again on your behalf.

“If you have any questions, just ask away. I will gladly answer them now that we have settled down for the night.” 

Once again, you hated how he could read you like a book, and you unknowingly gave him the biggest pout. “Look, I’m trying to be nice. You should be grateful because I don’t treat everyone like this.” 

You scoffed. “So what? You’re a mean and cold guy throughout your entire life?”

It took Haknyeon a few seconds to process what you said, and you could see the hesitation in his eyes. You figured that everyone has their secrets, and you decided not to pry any further than that. 

Shockingly, Haknyeon answered your question when you quickly tried to brush it off and change it to another topic. But it was an answer that you weren’t sure if it could be a dream or reality.

“They don’t call me the devil for nothing, Y/N.”

Devil? What was he talking about? 

“You what?”

Haknyeon sighed. “I meant what I said; that’s why I’ve been trying desperately to look for you, Y/N. The so-called Lake Deity.” 

You immediately tossed your fish to the ground (not on purpose) before grabbing onto his wrist, your eyes pleading for more answers. “Haknyeon, please. Tell me everything you know, even about you. I need to figure out this messed up situation that I’m in.”

“No shit, Sherlock,” Haknyeon replied before clearing his throat, indicating that it’s going to take a while to keep you in the loop with everything fully. “I am indeed the devil himself, the supposed ruler of the underworld, Lucifer. But it all happened against my own will.” 

“Huh? How can a devil not accept his own faith?” You were puzzled. 

“Because I wasn’t supposed to become the devil himself, Y/N. It’s all because of my messed up ancestors that placed me in line for the throne in hell. To put it simply, the blood of Lucifer resonates within me, and I want to get rid of it before it’s too late.”

“And finding me is the solution to your problem?”

“From what I’ve been told, yes. Apparently, the lake deity was one of the strongest amongst the five sacred deities of the nation as she had the power to cleanse all spirits and evils—even the king of the underworld himself.” Haknyeon finally turned his eyes to look straight at you as he made that last remark. 

“She is also known to be immortal—free from all sorts of pain and danger that would come her way,” he continued, pointing to the injury you had on your ankle, which now clearly explains why you felt zero pain and were in tip-top condition even falling from that high of a height from the waterfalls. 

“But with the current state you’re in,” he paused as he looked at you from top to bottom. “I highly doubt you’ll be able to do anything for me.” 

Now that stung like hell. However, you couldn’t refute it because what he said was true—you had zero recollection of how you ended up this way, and you’re just learning the fact that you were some sort of sacred deity of a lake. 

But Haknyeon wasn’t done. “I’m not giving up, though. I’m going to help you regain your memories and power.”

“Now, why on earth are you helping me so much-”

You were immediately cut off by Haknyeon moving forward to pinch your mouth together, causing you to form an ‘o’ shape as you narrowed your eyes at him. 

“It’s all for me; don’t get so full of yourself.” 

When he finally let go and turned his back to you again to grill the remaining fish by the fire, you gave him a nasty snarl as you chomped down on your food. “You truly are the worst.” 

“You know that I can hear you, right?”

“S-Shut up!!”

A little time has passed since you both decided to retire for the night. Haknyeon insisted that you should sleep within the cave while he kept watch near the entrance. As much as you tried your best to fall asleep, you were just tossing and turning around for god knows how many hours by now. 

You figured it wouldn’t hurt to go for a little walk, and you slowly tip-toed your way out of the cave, trying your best not to wake the devil, who was sleeping soundly as he leaned back on the cave walls. 

Figuring that it would be nice to tell him you wouldn’t be gone for too long, you decided to pick up a few branches and leave on a trail for where you were going—so that he could find you if needed.

Eventually, you walked deeper into the forest and stopped when you came across what seemed like a contaminated lake. It wasn’t the usual clean waters that would reflect the moon and stars above the surface; instead, it was pitched black and had somewhat of a foul odour. 

You stared at the lake briefly before bending down and moving closer to the edge to further examine the water's contents.

Just then, a sudden thought popped up, and you figured that it would be a good time to prove whatever Haknyeon had said was true. 

You’re a lake deity who has the ability to cleanse all spirits and evil. 

Clearly, the water before you wasn’t so-called possessed or evil. But maybe, if you were able to purify all sorts of evil spirits during the time when you had your powers, then perhaps a contaminated lake shouldn’t be too hard for a deity like you. 

So here you were, sticking out one of your fingers, and you slowly submerged it into the waters. After a few seconds, you slumped in disappointment as you saw that nothing had happened before deciding that it was much better to give up. 

“Who am I kidding? This has all gotta be some sort of lie-”

As you tried to get up, you realised your finger was somehow stuck in the water. Slowly, a glow emitted around the surface of your finger before it took over the lake in one swift motion. 

The once black, cloudy, muddy water was slowly turning back to its original state as you slowly watched the reflection of the moon on the waters and eventually the entire night sky. It was real, after all: your abilities to purify all sorts of evil. 

Just then, a voice echoed through the forest, calling for your attention as it chanted your name. You stood up frantically, turning around to see where the source was coming from before you finally landed your eyes upon the lake again—a fragment of your actual self slowly coming up from the waters. 

Your eyes widened as you saw yourself staring back at you (in a water form, that is), slowly calling out for you to come closer. With that, your feet decided to move on their own, and before you knew it, you were walking on the waters—making your way to touch yourself standing in front of you. 

“Y-You’re…me?”

“Indeed I am. I’m your other half. It’s my pleasure to serve you once again, Y/N.”

“S-Serve me? What are you talking about?”

“Your powers have been sealed away for a period of time now, that is until you broke the seal and awakened your powers just now.”

This might be the moment to finally get the answers you’ve been desperately seeking. Quickly, you grabbed their shoulders and began shaking them furiously. “Please! Tell me! What happened to me? Why did I lose all my powers? And most importantly, why can’t I remember anything before this?”

The figure in front of you hesitated momentarily and eventually spoke up in a rather soft voice, lowering her head ever so slightly at the same time. “I wish I could tell you, but I can’t, at least not right now.”

“W-Why? Please! Don’t leave me hanging anymore!” You screamed but were silenced as the figure leaned in to give you a big hug. 

“I’ll be within you to guide you through your journey, Y/N. Just know you won’t be alone anymore, and I’ll always be by your side and slowly bring your powers back to life just as they once stood firm and powerful in the past.”

Just like that, the figure burst and dispersed back into the waters, leaving you staring straight through the depths of the forest before a voice brought you back to reality. 

“Who told you that you could leave my sight just like that?” 

You turned behind to see that it was Haknyeon—crossing his arms as he leaned against one of the trees. You really wished you could read his emotions, but his face was expressionless—you couldn’t tell if he was amused or annoyed with whatever had just unfolded before his eyes.  

“How long have you been here?” you asked, though you were pretty sure you already had a good guess that he’d been here long enough to see everything from the start. 

“Long enough to see that you had regained your powers,” he commented before walking to the edge of the lake, putting his hands into his jacket pockets. 

You sighed before slowly making your way towards him. “Look, I left a trail behind for you to come find me. At least I was respectful in that part.”

“I don’t need some branches to tell me where you are. All I need to do is to focus, and I can tell which direction you went.”

“Right, because you’re the devil.” 

He scoffed. “Hell yes, I am. So promise me you won’t do this again without my knowledge.”

“What are you? My babysitter?” 

“Guess you don’t want my protection after all.” He smirked before turning his heel to face the opposite direction before you grabbed his wrists to hold him back. He was stunned by that sudden action you made but more so by the look on your face right now. 

You are desperate, and you have just gotten a glimpse of potentially finding out who you truly are as you awakened the powers you had in the lake. There is absolutely no way you were about to give up now, and you will be needing Haknyeon’s help in your journey ahead. 

“Haknyeon, I…I can’t do all of this alone, not with the current state I’m in. I promise you, if you help me regain my powers and memory, I will do my best to break whatever this curse you’re dealing with,” you begged as you looked straight into his eyes that somehow just turned bright crimson red for a second before it was gone. 

He was truly Lucifer himself. 

Just when you had expected him to agree with everything you said, he suddenly took over by pulling both your wrists forcefully towards him before he picked you up and slung you on one side of his shoulder, walking back towards the cave where you came from. 

“On a second thought! I still hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” You yelled as you balled up your fist and kept hitting him on his back. 

Even though Haknyeon said nothing in return, he had plastered a smile across his face for the first time since you both had been together. As you both descended into the darkness, Haknyeon mumbled something under his breath that was loud enough for himself to hear. 

“You’re damn right going to help me break this stupid curse, Y/N.”

You both almost set off immediately the following day to your next destination. Since you barely knew where exactly you were, Haknyeon decided to be the guide as you began your trek down the woods.

Along the way, he felt it necessary to tell you a little bit about the destination you both were heading to and a little bit more about yourself. 

It turns out that there were originally five deities, and each deity has its very own tribe. Given that you were the Lake Deity, you were known to be the leader for the people of the waters. It was definitely the best lead and place to go for now if you needed answers.

Thankfully, the distance from where you both rested the night before wasn’t too far from the tribe, and it took about two days to arrive, with you both taking breaks in between and resting up for the day. The moment you arrived at the entrance of the tribe, sure enough, the people fell down on their knees in awe, seeing that their deity had personally come to them instead.

You had no idea why the crowd cheered; some even shed tears when they looked at you, and they wasted no time welcoming you both into their safe haven. The moment you both walked towards the end, that was when you were formerly greeted by an elder which you assumed that he was the head of the tribe.

Without wasting a minute, he brought you both up to his chambers before stopping Haknyeon in his tracks. “My apologies, dear young man. But I’m afraid that this conversation is strictly between the people of the waters.” 

Both you and Haknyeon’s eyes widened upon hearing those words, and you were just about to step in to defend him—knowing that he was the devil himself, it would probably be best not to anger the male. 

However, he beat you to it by responding to the elder rather calmly, contradicting to his usual demeanour. 

“Well then, I guess you wouldn’t mind if I waited right outside the room. I promise I won’t be eavesdropping.”

“That’s fine by me. Thank you for understanding,” the elder smiled, leading Haknyeon to turn his heels and walk straight out of the room before closing it shut. 

With Haknyeon finally absent, the elder immediately bent his knees and intertwined his fingers together before ultimately bowing his head to the ground, causing you to do the same and wanting to support the man back up.

“We’ve waited so long for your return, my lady,” he sobbed. 

Not knowing what else you could do, you decided to gently hug the elder for a few seconds before encouraging him to lift his head back up and telling him everything that had happened up until this point (omitting the fact that Haknyeon is a Lucifer himself, for obvious reasons). 

The elder was shocked, to say the least, to hear about everything you have been through. You had zero recollection of who you were until you met Haknyeon and heard what happened back at the purified lake. 

Knowing that it would be a long day, he reassured you by guiding you to take a seat as he prepared a warm cup of tea before offering it to you. Taking in a deep breath, he slowly began to recall what exactly happened to the tribe, including their very own deity. 

“My Lady…I fear that you have been in a slumber for a couple of decades now,” the elder replied, still puffy from the tears that flowed beforehand. 

“D-Decades? What do you mean by that?” You questioned hastily, wanting to piece the information together as quickly as possible.

“Fifty years ago…when the demonic creatures slowly took over the nation and defeated each of the deities…but it seemed as if you were the last one standing back then.” 

“Deities? Tribes? Do you mean a war broke out?”

“Yes, my lady. It was like the end of the world, if I may put it simply. All five deities stood up against the evil spirits and fought against them. We were close to achieving victory until another wave of enemies struck again, strong enough even to defeat each one of them.

You were taken aback by all of that information. You couldn’t accept that an actual war broke out in this very nation, given that everything looked unharmed and well-kept in the tribe and even in the woods as you journey here.

The most shocking fact was that you fought in the war alongside your fellow deities, whom you barely remember now knew what their names were. 

Wanting more answers, you decided to press on, trying your best to find out any relevant information you needed. “T-Then…are those deities dead?”

“Dead would be a way to describe them, yes.”

“What do you mean by that?”

The elder sighed before he stood up to walk towards the window as he peered down at his tribe. “According to records, all of them were sealed away and long-forgotten—their locations unknown, and their lifespan would’ve probably slowly faded away given the intensity of the spell from the devils.”

Just then, he turns back towards you. “However, you somehow manage to stay alive and look the same as you did back then.” 

Puzzled, you tried piecing the information together to come up with a proper response. “You mean I wasn’t sealed away?”

“Maybe you were, or maybe you didn’t. Neither of us knew the exact details, my lady. If only Father were still alive, he would probably have given you a much better answer than I could have since he was present. He was the one who saw with his own eyes of the enemies sealing off the deities,” his voice softened, and his shoulders slumped in defeat, upset that he couldn’t give you the answers you wanted to hear. 

“I’m so sorry, my lady. I really wished I could’ve been much more helpful to you.”

“Oh my gosh, please! Don’t apologise; you have given me so much that I needed to know,” you forced a smile, reassuring him that you would be okay. “But I need to know something, elder. About my powers.” 

With that, the elder lifted his head again as a smile plastered across his face. “Perhaps staying here for a while could help, my lady. You are our deity, and I’m sure you could use the endless streams and lakes we have here to recover your abilities. I’m sure my people would be more than willing to help.” 

Suddenly, you definitely felt a lot at ease, and the underwhelming feeling you’ve been suffering for the past weeks was gone the moment you stepped into the tribe. Perhaps it was truly the power and barrier that the people of the waters have put up seemingly resonates with your element, making you worry-free about everything that has been troubling you for a while.

Taking in your first sip of tea, you slowly swallowed down the warm liquid before closing your eyes to rest for a bit. 

“Maybe this is what it feels like to call home.”

Hours had passed before you realised that you had been chatting away with the elder and resting up in his room. So when you opened the door to find that Haknyeon was nowhere to be seen, the panic started rising again within you, making you dash down and out to the open fields of the tribe to search for him.

When you tried asking for help, many of them directed you towards the waterfall behind their tribe. Sure enough, you found Haknyeon sitting on a branch, leaning against the tallest tree as if he were taking a nap.

Unfortunately for you, you weren’t the best tree climber, so you made a couple of sounds as you made your way up to where he was, making him grunt in his sleep. 

“I thought you could just fly up here using your powers,” he growled, feeling a little annoyed that his peaceful nap was ruined.

“Well, sorry to disappoint you, mister devil, that my powers are long gone, and I’ll need some time to break the seal off within me to gain my abilities back slowly- wait. How did you know I could fly?” 

Haknyeon didn’t say anything but turned his head to the other side, making you narrow your eyes at him once again. 

“You eavesdropped my conversation, didn’t you?”

“Not by my own will. It’s part of the devil’s powers to be able to do that, whether I like it or not,” he replied calmly. “Though I was already off the moment I closed that door, and I’ve been here since taking a well-deserved rest after three long days of being your bodyguard.”

You smacked his arm lightly. “You made an agreement with me, so deal with it.” 

“So, what’s your plan for now?” He asked.

You contemplated for a little while as you remembered everything the elder had just told you a while back. It was a major decision to make after all, given the fact that you were on a journey to figure out why you ended up the way you did. And without fail, you also agreed to cleanse the devil’s blood within him before it’s too late. 

Staying here would certainly grant you the protection and ability to recover fully, but you also couldn’t ignore Haknyeon’s needs—you promised that you both were in this together from the start. 

Most importantly, you knew that there were more answers to be found outside of the tribe. 

“Here’s my plan,” you announced as you scooched closely to Haknyeon. “I’m thinking we could rest here for a couple of days. I’ll hopefully be able to recover some of my abilities, and you could rest up, and then we’ll make a move.”

“To where?”

“Anywhere. Maybe the other tribes, now that I’ve known that there were people like me in the past and that they were sealed off somewhere within the nation. If I find out where they were buried, I may be able to regain my memories fully at some point,” you stated firmly before noticing that Haknyeon now had his eyes opened and was staring at you for a while.

You sighed. “No, I did not forget about our promise.” 

“You better not because I could dispose of you at any time whenever I wanted to.”

You scoffed. “You wouldn’t. You need me after all, if you want to truly change your fate.” 

For the first time, Haknyeon lets out a little chuckle and a genuine smile before resting one of his hands on your head, ruffling your hair slightly before moving down to caress your warm, soft cheeks. 

“Yeah, I’ll be needing you so bad. So don’t you leave nor die on me anytime soon.”

In the blink of an eye, it was already your last night here at the tribe. After announcing to the elder that you have decided to embark on your journey ahead, he insisted that the people would love to throw you a little farewell party before you both left. 

The atmosphere was lively, to say the least. There were a couple of dancers performing on the stage that was set up at the centre of the open fields and dozens of mats were laid across the field for everyone to sit and relax. 

Haknyeon decided to pick a seat furthest from everyone while drinking the sake that was prepared for him. He wasn’t much of a social person, and he decided that it was more of your thing since you were basically the sole reason everyone was celebrating for the night.

Even as the devil himself, he couldn’t help but plastered a smile across his face when he saw you having fun with the tribe—stuffing yourself with a bunch of sweets to being invited up on stage to dance with everyone else. It has been a while since he saw you being genuinely happy, ever since he found you at the lake during your first encounter. 

You have been through a lot, and you definitely deserve times like this. 

Slowly, as the night passed, the atmosphere began to slow down, as some people began packing away to rest up in their cabins. Only a few people remained who decided to drink the night away like Haknyeon did. 

As he poured his last bottle of sake into his cup, he peered his head up and heard the rustling sounds of the grass getting louder and coming in his direction. The moment he witnessed what was before him, he immediately put down his cup frantically before grabbing both of your shoulders to support you.

“Ah~ It’s Haknyeon~ You kinda look funny~” You slurred, being obvious that you were too drunk even to hold a proper conversation. 

“God, you reek of alcohol. Do you not know how to control your tolerance?” 

“Who are you to tell me how much I should drink! *hiccups* I can do whatever I want tonight!” Your voice getting louder with each sentence and Haknyeon had to pull you down before you fall into his embrace.

If only you were sober enough to have a proper look at your so-called devil friend, you would’ve noticed how his face was now flushed red and he was too stunned to think of a way to retaliate back.

Before he could even come up with a proper response, he suddenly heard soft snores and looked down to see your arms wrapped around his waist—hugging him as if he were a pillow, not wanting to let go.

With a last hiccup from you, your soft voice didn’t go unnoticed before you eventually drifted off completely to sleep. 

“Stay with me…don’t leave me again…” 

With a deep sigh, Haknyeon carefully unwrapped your arms before positioning you correctly to lay down on his lap—stroking your soft, silky hair as you squirm your body to turn towards the side with one of your hands clutching onto Haknyeon’s jacket. 

Slowly, he leans down to gently place a soft peck on your forehead as he tucks a strand of hair behind your ear before rubbing your soft and sensitive earlobes to seemingly help you sleep better.

“A devil never goes back on his words.”

It has been about a couple of hours since you both had hit the road, leaving behind the tribe with your tears slowly dripping down your face. It took you a while to fully stop but Haknyeon said nothing but passes a clean napkin for you to wipe your tears while you were on the road.

Not knowing where else to head next, the elder of the tribe suggested visiting the sacred shrine that used to house all the deities when you were all younger to train your abilities before your predecessors passed them down to you. 

However, the location of the shrine was long wiped out from the map ever since the war broke out, so nobody knew where it was except for the sealed-off deities themselves. 

Panicking when you heard the news, the elder reassured you that the waters shall guide your way—highly suggesting that the priest from the shrine will certainly be able to help you out on your journey. 

Trusting your instincts, you followed the dew drops on the leaves, guiding your path deeper into the forest, away from where you first came. It wasn’t long before Haknyeon noticed how shallow your breathing had become, prompting him to halt the journey by tapping your shoulder.

“It’s time for a rest. We’ll continue on after lunch.”

“Y-Yeah…sounds like a plan…” You huffed, before sitting down on the opposite tree from Haknyeon. 

For the first few minutes, you tried your best not to glance at the male as he got both of your supplies ready and organised them out to prepare for lunch. Something has been going on in your mind for the past couple of days, but you couldn’t seem to bring yourself to tell him straight to his face. 

Instead, you quietly watched as he touched one of the trees within reach, using his powers to make the entire tree fall apart and break it into firewoods. All he had to do was arrange the pieces on the ground, and with a snap of his fingers, a fire immediately ignited—causing the wood to burn in no time.

It was the first time you had seen any of his powers, and you figured that the devils themselves probably had the ability to control literally anything that was within their reach—which was why the nation feared them for centuries. 

The more you began to be in awe about what he was capable of, you certainly failed to notice how he was aware of every single motion you made—including staring at him for minutes now.

“Don’t be a creep and spill out whatever that’s on your mind.” 

Dang it. 

“I should’ve known that you were able to read minds…” you mumbled before hiding your face with your hands from embarrassment. 

The male simply sighed before walking towards you and gently pulled your hands apart, revealing your flustered face.

“I-I was just daydreaming! Yeah! Nothing’s wrong in the slightest,” you chuckled, wanting to be over and done with this entire conversation. 

“Daydreaming about dirty thoughts that made your face completely flushed red as a tomato?” 

God, you hated this side of him.

“I promise it’s nothing. Now go back to make the fire,” you spat, turning your head towards the side to avoid looking straight at him.

But Haknyeon doesn’t budge, and he continues to stare straight at you for seconds until you know that he isn’t going to give up whatever this matter is. 

And you should’ve known how devils are persistent as hell. 

You sighed. “Okay, fine. I want you to teach me how to fight.” 

There was a minute of silence before Haknyeon suddenly scoffed right at your face. “You? Fight? That must be the funniest joke I’ve heard all day.”

“Hey! Don’t laugh! I was part of the war decades ago, fighting for my people! T-Though I have no recollection of how I fought…” you began to lower your voice at that last part, feeling embarrassed enough to talk about this. 

“And what makes you think you will be needing such fighting skills, Miss Y/N?” 

“Look. We’re up for a long journey ahead. I highly doubt we will be getting peaceful days like this as we continue. I can’t just be this pathetic deity who barely knows how to defend oneself forever,” you responded back. 

“What happened to you saying that I should be the one protecting you throughout this whole journey, hmm?” Haknyeon asked in a cocky tone. “I thought you were going to be a good princess and just sit back-” 

You didn’t give him time to finish his last sentence before you cut him off. “Well, not anymore. Now that I’ve gotten a slight glimpse of my past, I’m more than determined to get back on both feet to fight back.” 

That was more than enough to keep Haknyeon’s mouth shut. It was probably the first time you had seen him being so taken aback, and you couldn’t help but keep chanting the words “I won” in your head. 

Damn, it feels good to overtake the devil. 

After some moments of contemplating, Haknyeon finally picks himself back up and poses another question. “So, what weapons are you interested in learning, Miss Deity?”

Your lights lit up. “Oh my gosh, I get to choose weapons?!”

“This is not play club, kid. They are dangerous, and you can even hurt yourself if you don’t know how to use them properly.”

“Oh, I know. Spare those details; I’m ready to learn whenever!” 

“Not until you acknowledge me as your teacher.”

You paused. “Ew. No. I’m not calling you that.” 

“Suit yourself, then. I’ll be heading back to cook a fine damn meal, and I will be the only one who gets to eat lunch today,” Haknyeon smirked before he stood up and turned his heel back towards the firewood.

“You disgraceful piece of shit!” You shouted back at the male.

“Now, that’s not very deity-like of you to say those words, hmm?”

“M-Mind your own business!”

“Ow! My arms hurt so bad…” you whined as you used your left hand to gently massage your right arm while holding onto your wooden katana. 

You both went straight into training right when lunch was over, and just when you thought Haknyeon was done pulling up tricks, it seemed as he was able to manipulate space and draws out two wooden katanas from his waist before throwing one across towards you. 

He taught you the basic stuff—like how to grip onto the sword and swing it properly. It has been close to an hour of practice when you finally felt your arms were sore enough for you to signal him to stop.

“Like I told you, darling. It’s not all fun and games when it comes to picking up a weapon. If this were a real battle, you would’ve been long-harmed by then.”

God, he’s strict as fuck. “W-Well! I know that! I just properly learned how to grip a katana like an hour ago. Cut me some slack,” you pouted. 

While you were busy trying to wipe off the sweat on your palms, Haknyeon takes a few steps towards you and took your katana away without saying anything. “Hey! What was that for!”

“Look at your own hands, Y/N." He peers down, and you do the same, with an immediate look of horror plastered across your face.

Your hands were bleeding, and all cut up. 

Suddenly, he grabs your wrist and pulls you back towards the fireplace—searching through the supplies before he grabs a bottle of liquid and opens up the cap with his teeth before pouring it down straight onto the palms.

“What are you- Ow!” 

“Hold it in, Y/N. It’s just honey; it’ll help to heal the scars in no time.”

As Haknyeon was busy trying to tend to your injuries, you noticed the look of concern he actually had on his face. Usually, he would put on this cold and emotionless look towards you, and he couldn’t care less if you wanted to pick up a fight against him (well, because of his ego, and he knows that he will always win nonetheless). 

But this time, it felt different. It was like seeing the devil being all soft and loving for a second. 

“You could’ve just left it as it is, you know, being nice doesn’t suit your devil persona in the slightest,” you teased as you put on this smug look. 

But Haknyeon didn’t respond to that. Instead, he just kept pouring the liquid until it has fully covered your hands—leaving the liquid on as it is to let it completely soak your injuries. 

Oh god, have I stepped out of the line? He probably doesn’t like it-

“Y/N. If you had the choice to be the good guy or bad guy, which one would you go for?” Haknyeon asked while his eyes were still transfixed on your palms.

What kind of question was that?

“Obviously, the good guy. What are you talking about?”

“Exactly. I didn’t choose to become the devil. I was destined to take over the throne because of my ancestors,” his shoulders slumped when he said those words out loud, giving you some hope as if he was trying his best to open up to you about his past for the first time.

With your ears perked up, you slowly moved closer towards the male, careful not to drop the honey on your palms if you did not want to hear another scolding from him. 

“Go on, I’m listening,” you softly replied as you read the tension in the air has dramatically shifted from before.

“Would it be insane if I told you I could’ve lived a normal life? And not waiting for the days to come before the devil’s blood fully consumes my well-being? It’s all stupid, isn’t it? He laughs, even though the thought about it is absurd to him. 

“Well. What happened?”

“Centuries ago when my grandfather met the love of his life, and he wanted to do anything to be with her—even if it meant selling his soul to the devil. Without her, it was as if his life was falling apart, and he couldn’t bear to see her with anyone else. So one day, he made the trip done to hell to make a pact with Lucifer himself.”

“Your predecessor, you mean?”

“The original Lucifer, yes. Devils don’t last forever, Y/N. Just like you deities, it was important to continue the bloodline to keep the balance in hell,” he huffed. 

“So that was were your grandfather became the vessel,” you slowly pieces the puzzles together.

“Crazy, isn’t it? He gave up his human life to become one with the devil, and with that he was able to return to his lover. But he should’ve known that nobody would want to be near the actual Lord of the Underworld himself.”

“D-Don’t tell me…” your eyes suddenly tearing up, as if you had just remembered a scene from your past. 

“Given that look on your face, I presume you know exactly what I’m talking about,” he chuckles. “That incident where a broken-hearted devil who tore apart his village and even killed his lover because she rejected him. Ever since then, he completely turned his life around and went down into the depths of hell to reside there forever—building up his army of demonic creatures and taking revenge in the human world.” 

You were stunned. You couldn’t have known that the devil themselves had a past like this. From young, you were only taught that no humans should ever interact with the devils themselves—that was why the deities were born to keep the balance between earth and hell.

“S-So…you were cursed, too?” You questioned.

“Undoubtedly, yes. But not completely as of now since the throne already has their very own Lucifer. However, his lifespan is slowly fading away each day, and they desperately need an heir, so that’s where I come in.”

“But how can you run away from it? I mean, won’t the devils or even the current Lucifer would come looking for you?”

“That’s why I needed your help, Y/N. I have been dedicating my whole life to turning this prophecy around—proving that I will not become the devil of the underworld and possibly go back to living as a normal human being. Though, I definitely did not expect to find you in the current state you’re in,” he pauses as he looks at you from top to bottom. 

With that, Haknyeon slowly got up from the ground and walked a bit further to look up in the sky, which was now filled with hundreds of stars. “I have put a spell in hell to avoid them tracing my movements, but I’m afraid it would not last forever.” 

So that was why he was so desperate when you both first met. 

After giving it a second thought, you slowly stood up while still holding onto the honey liquid in your palms before you reassured him with your words. “Thank you for telling me all of these, Haknyeon. Now, I’m more than determined to save you from your fate.”

As you said those words out loud, Haknyeon turned back to you, and you finally saw for the first time how beautiful his smile was under the moonlight. There was this sparkle in his eyes, and you could tell that your words had somehow comforted him. 

“It’s going to be okay, you’re going to be okay,” you emphasised on those last few words as you slowly walked up to him. Haknyeon then responded by slowly pulling your cupped hands apart and letting the honey drip down onto the ground before gently rubbing your palms with his own hands—as if he was trying to push the liquid further into your injuries to make it heal a lot faster.

“That’s why I’m going to keep you safe no matter what, Y/N. You’re my one and only last hope.” 

Under The Depths Of Hell

“Ugh…that has got to be the worst headache I’ve had in a while…” one of the men grunts as he slowly wakes up to find that he has been lying on the ground for who knows how long. He scanned his perimeter to find that his fellow comrades had experience the same thing, and he quickly went around to wake all of them up.

“W-What happened?” One of his fellow comrades asked. “Why is everyone passed out?”

“That’s what I would like to ask you instead, Doyle. What on earth happened that knocked us out cold,” he growled as he slowly scanned his surroundings. 

Before the man could possibly come up with a proper answer, loud and strong footsteps were heard and was approaching them each second. It’s wasn’t for long until one of the gates was being swung open with a loud bang, and out walks a tall, built man.

“Y-Your Highness!” The man bowed and ushered everyone to do the same. “Our humble apologies, we have no idea what happened-”

“Haknyeon.” The tall male replied.

“I beg your pardon?”

“It was Haknyeon. He placed a spell on all of us that caused us to fall into a deep slumber, and he has escaped the depths of hell,” the tall male cursed under his breathe before slamming his trident on the ground, causing it to form a crack that sent chills towards the other members.

Without hesitation, he swiftly grabs hold onto the male that was bending down in front of him on his neck before slowly dragging him up. “Say, aren’t you the best military commander in hell? Donovan?”

Dovovan was trying his best to speak as the tall male began putting in pressure on his hand around his neck. “Y-Yes! Your Highness! I-It’s all to keep you and hell safe at all times-” he choked. 

“Well then? Tell me how can Haknyeon slip through the guards and go missing unnoticed for a year now.”

A year? Does that mean that everyone has been in a deep slumber for a year now?

Not giving the chance for Donovan to speak, the tall male slams the commander’s body straight down onto the ground once more, stepping on his back before giving everyone else the death stare. 

“It seems to me that you are all no match for my successor just yet,” he chuckled. “I should’ve expected nothing less for the next King of the Underworld.”

None of the guards dared to speak another word, nor were they brave enough to turn away from the one and only Lucifer himself. They knew that when their master had gotten all worked up like this, one single mistake could easily cost them their own lives, and they would be thrown straight into the burning flames, where their bodies would turn into ash within seconds. 

“A little bit too silent, aren’t we? Well then, how about this?” Lucifer taunted the rest of the members by tossing Donovan’s body straight into the fire—only his loud screams echoed throughout the chamber before completely vanishing into silence once more.

“Let me give all of you a piece of advice,” Lucifer continued as if nothing had happened seconds ago as he continued to walk straight ahead, making each of the guards move aside to let the devil himself pass through. “My lifespan is decreasing each day, and I’m afraid that I will no longer be able to stay on the throne for long. That is where Haknyeon comes into the picture, and he needs to stay put in here as soon as possible to keep hell’s balance going.”

Finally, Lucifer stops in front of a dark-haired individual at the corners of the room with his arms crossed, yawning as he sees the king himself approached. “Which is why I will now appoint Balor as your new commander.” 

The male sighed. “You really do be putting me through so much trouble. I told you I’ve retired a long time ago,” Balor spoke to the devil himself in a relatively unbothered way, making the other guards slowly begin to whisper among themselves about their odd relationship with one another.

“You have been my strongest soldier since the day I ascended to the throne, and it’s only fitting for you to go retrieve my successor if it’s the last thing you’ll do,” Lucifer commanded, giving no room for negotiation as he lifted up his sharp claws to dig into Balor’s skin—leaving behind a scratch mark on his right cheek.

“Fine. But I’m retiring for good after this mission. And I will not be leaving my room from then on,” he swatted Lucifer’s hand away as he approached the guards. 

Lucifer began laughing menacingly while Balor was doing his job to regroup the team before walking straight back to the door to enter his chambers. 

“I shall give you all one last chance to bring Haknyeon back here to hell. If not, you all can rot with the dead in the burning flames for the rest of your lives.”

Y/N's POV

“Say, Y/N. What do you think about snow?” 

You were puzzled by that question. “What’s this about snow? It’s not like you have not seen them before.” 

The female simply chuckled. “True. But apparently, my tribe loves them the most. It is said that during winter, it forms a glacier in the mountains. It’s just a beautiful sight to see and they do this activity called “skiing” in the human language.”

“But isn’t your tribe known to care for nature? Shouldn’t spring be their most favourite season among the four?” 

“What’s wrong with being different than the norm! It’s always fun to explore different things that are available out there! Like this one right here!” The female didn’t give you room for coming up with a response before she threw a ball made of snow right at your face.

You yelped and was surprised that the hit wasn’t as hard as you thought it was. The ball simply melted down and returned back to the rest of the snow that was on the ground.

“What was that for!” You yelled back.

“That, Miss Deity of the Lake, it’s called a snowball fight. Again, my tribe thought me this fun activity,” the female stuck her tongue out at you before slowly forming another one in her hands.

Not going down without a fight, you grabbed a fistful of snow into your hands before making one yourself. “Now, you have done it. Prepare for battle!” You jokingly teased before you both eventually broke out into a whole snowball fight.

Both of your activities didn’t go unnoticed when a couple of spectators came along after a few minutes. 

“Oh ho! What do we have here!” Another female replied as she forms both hands into a binoculars trying to look at what you two were doing. 

“Hey! A snowball fight! Let me join them!” One of the male shouted enthusiastically before leaping over the fence to run towards your direction. In no time, the snowball fight was getting much more heated than ever before, making some of the snowballs being thrown into one of the spectator’s outfits.

“These kids…what will I do about them?” The other male replied as he dusted the snow off his clothing, but to no avail because more kept coming each second. “Don’t you plan on joining them?” The male asked the female, who was still standing with her handmade “binoculars”, looking out at the three in the snow.

“Looking at them from here is fun enough! I’m just so happy that everyone is having a good time with one another since it’s been a while since we have gathered together like this,” she simply smiled.

With that response, the male, the eldest among the five, could only reply with a simple sigh before a smile formed on his lips. “You’re right. It has been a while.” 

Now that you have an extra party, you are having so much more fun than before where you were eventually completely covered in snow. However, that was when you noticed a strange stench as you continued with the activity.

Not knowing where it was coming from, you tried your best to sniff around with your nose, trying to locate where the weird scent was coming from. 

That was when you looked down to see that the white snow was slowly oozing out a red liquid, and curiosity got the best of you when you decided to pick the snow up to examine it.

And you really wished you hadn’t done so.

Blood was now dripping out from the snow and following down to your arms before everything around you was slowly turning crimson red. You tried to call out to your friends, but they could no longer hear you and were slowly fading away.

Your surroundings began to darken, and all you could see was the bright red colour taking over your vision.

What exactly was happening?

Please…guys…where are you…

Don’t leave me.

“Don’t leave me!!!!”

“In what god’s mind were you dreaming about?”

Huh?

You tried to blink your eyes as you slowly adjusted your eyesight to finally realise that you were on Haknyeon’s back—his arms carrying your thighs from behind.

“Wait wait, what’s going on? Why are you carrying me?” You asked.

“That’s my question to you instead, Y/N. One second, you were smiling and the next you were sweating profusely and mumbling incoherent words. Until you finally screamed and woke up seconds ago,” Haknyeon spat before he turned his head towards the front of the road again.

God…another nightmare. 

“N-Nothing…don’t worry about it…but hey, answer my question, mister devil. Why were you carrying me?” 

“Well. I finally figured out the route to the shrine when you were in deep sleep for a whole day. I tried everything I could to wake you up, but you wouldn’t budge, so I decided that it was best for me to lift you and give you a piggyback ride to the shrine.”

Now, this was embarrassing. “H-How long have you been carrying me for?”

“Half a day.”

Oh, hell no. “Okay okay! Put me down! I’m awake now; you don’t have to carry me no more,” you chuckled as you tried to free yourself from his back. But with his strength, you weren’t able to move an inch as his grip around your thighs tightened once more.

“Save me the trouble and be a good girl while we head to the shrine. We’re almost there anyways,” Haknyeon replied bluntly before picking up his pace and climbing the steps up to the stairway, which seems to be the entrance of the shrine. 

All you could do at this point was to hide your face of embarrassment by lowering your head down behind his back with your forehead resting on his shoulders.

“Why does this always happen to me…” you sulked, but you quickly realised that you shouldn’t have said that because the annoying Lucifer was back to taunt you again.

“You’re an amusing lady, I must say.”

“Q-Quiet you! I never asked for your opinion!” 

As you both began your usual bickering, it was when you were brought back to your senses when a soft, calming voice calls out to you both. The moment you both focused your attention up ahead, a slender female wearing a red hakama paired with a white kosode immediately bowed before slowly approaching your direction.

“To whom may I offer the assistance today?”

Judging by her clothing and demeanour, you knew she was a shrine maiden, and you had probably arrived at the place you had been searching for days. Quickly jumping off Haknyeon’s back, you dusted your clothing and gathered up your composure before greeting the maiden herself.

“O-Our apologies for the sudden visit, but is this where-”

She giggled. “If you’re looking for the priest, you have come to the right location.” 

Just then, she guided you into the shrine as she touched the invisible barrier protecting the place to make way for the guests. It was then you figured that it was why the shrine wasn’t as easy to locate because of that, and you couldn’t blame them after what had happened during the war decades ago. 

The place was grand, especially for a shrine in the middle of nowhere. Everything was preserved just as it was hundreds of years ago—adorned with traditional art and furniture throughout. As you both explored, one piece of art caught your eye in the main hall, prompting you to break away from the maiden and Haknyeon to take a closer look.

The moment you stood in front of the picture, you were left standing still and slowly reaching out your hand to touch the piece of art. It depicted the five sacred deities protecting the people of the nation—each five of them standing tall and strong on the top of the cliffs.

Immediately, you noticed a faint blue hue emanating from one of the female deities, and you gently brushed your thumb over the art. Instantly, a water drop emerges from the picture as it dissolves into your skin, giving you a glimpse of your past from the art itself. 

“I see that you have come to notice the picture firsthand, Miss Deity.” 

Taken aback with the sudden voice, you quickly turned to your back to notice a maiden standing right there with a paper fan covering half of her face. Gently, she closed up the fan to give you a slight bow before inching a little bit closer.

“It has been a long time, Y/N. Welcome back,” she simply smiles.

It was then you immediately realised who this was. Noticing a kagura suzu in her other free hands as well as glamorous kimono, it could only mean one thing.

She was the priest that you have been looking for.

“You must be…”

“Priest of Kiyoshi Shrine, at your service, my dear.”

“Please…” you begged pitifully as you walked closer to her and slowly bent your knees to sit on the tatami mat. “You’re the only one who can tell me everything now. Please, tell me what to do.” 

“I suppose the elder from your very own tribe sent you here? He certainly did the right thing for remembering me after all these years,” she chuckled before going down to your level and placing one of her hands on your shoulders.

“Let’s get you all cleaned up and have a hearty meal before we proceed.”

You have sworn that one day, when you finally regained your full powers back, you’re going to bury Haknyeon and seal him in the depths of the ocean for what he did you to in front of the priest. 

As if what happened earlier when you both arrived wasn’t embarrassing enough, the devil himself had the audacity to give you a good scolding when you suddenly left his side to have a good close-up look on the art in the main hall while the priest was busy prepping the dining hall with her maidens for you two. 

Turns out that the priest was seemingly witnessing the whole ordeal for a good minute before she spoke up that dinner was ready as that was where you three ended up now.

Gulping down the warm miso soup that was perfectly well-seasoned down your throat, you made sure to give Haknyeon one last death stare to make sure that he was going to pay for what he did one day. 

“You two seem really close,” the priest giggled as she continued looking back and forth between the both of you. 

“Not that I have a choice; he’s supposed to protect me while I sort out the mess with my past,” you mumbled before shoving a piece of the freshly grilled fish down your mouth. 

“You’re a priest, right? Perhaps it would be great to give Y/N a good cleanse for all of the dirty and rude remarks that she has to say about me,” Haknyeon gestured with his chopsticks to you, letting the priest know that it was fitting for her to do a cleansing ritual on you.

“F-Forgive me! Miss dearest, I mean- your Excellency. Please ignore him; he’s just a vulgar guy,” you laughed nervously before turning your head to stare at him once more. 

“Well,” the priest paused as she put her food on the table. “I’m glad to see two people from different backgrounds interact like this. It is certainly a sight to see as compared to the past.” 

Just then, you remembered that the priest had mentioned telling you about everything she knew, and you seized that opportunity to ask her now. But it seems she was a step ahead of you as she stood up and walked to the centre of the hall before taking out her kagura suzu and pointing it straight towards Haknyeon. 

“Let me ask you this one question, young male. And I would highly suggest that you reply honestly, for no lies can ever pass through my eyes. Are you sure that you will keep Miss Y/N safe at all costs?”

You were stunned by that question as you looked back and forth between Haknyeon and the priest. Why exactly was she posing such a question? How was this related to whatever that she was going to tell you about the past? 

But Haknyeon simply closed his eyes and placed his utensils on this table before crossing his arms. “Since you mentioned that you can see through all sorts of lies, maybe you should be able to tell how sincere I’ve been with Y/N and my words through my heart.” 

Immediately, a dark red aura began to emanate from Haknyeon’s back, while a white aura radiated from the priest. In an instant, their eyes changed color, and the tension in the air intensified. It was becoming increasingly difficult to breathe between the two, leaving you to contemplate what to do next.

Should you diffuse the fight? Maybe with your so-called powers that were able to cleanse through anything? 

Suddenly, the priest spoke up first. “I certainly hope you will not repeat the same behaviour you did decades ago during the war.” 

Wait. Repeating the same behaviour during the war?

All you knew from what the elder said was that the demonic creatures were the ones responsible for destroying the nation and sealing away the five sacred deities. You didn’t hear anything about Lucifer being involved in any of these.

Unless…

You turned to look at Haknyeon, now staring at the priest with his deadly, bloodshot red, glowing eyes.

It can’t be.

“Y-You are the one responsible for sealing me away?” Your voice began to tremble, trying hard to think of different excuses to prove that point was false.

There was no way. After all, you have felt his sincerity (despite his awful mouth) throughout your journey. If anything, he couldn’t have put up this facade long enough to deceive you all along.

You wanted to believe that the soft, heartbroken look on his face when he told you about his past was true. You wanted to hold onto the fact that your promise to help change his fate would definitely come true. 

Because you will not be able to tolerate any more betrayals anymore. 

When you finally mustered up the courage to pose another question to Haknyeon, both the devil and the priest immediately stopped exerting their powers and returned to their usual selves. With that, the priest simply shook her suzu once as the bells rang across the hall—a light spark emitting throughout to cleanse the place.

“Thank you, young man. Forgive me, as I was merely trying to test your sincerity. I’m so glad that you have a good heart, especially towards the lake deity right here.” 

“W-What’s going on?” You questioned, feeling more lost than ever with everything that had just unfolded in front of your eyes. 

“Let me recite a story from a long time ago, Y/N. Perhaps you will be able to remember piece by piece as you listen to my words.” 

In one slow, graceful motion, the priest simply spread her legs and arms apart as she began the kagura dance, shaking her bells according to the beat and rhythm at her own pace. Twirling around with the instrument in hand, she starts reciting the story from the very beginning.

Long ago, when the nation had no leaders, the God of Eternity descended from heaven to witness the chaos that unfolded before his eyes. He decided they needed a leader to help keep the balance while trying to minimise the bloodshed that had unfolded over the years. With that, he used his powers to break them into five pieces, each representing one element: fire, water, earth, air, and space.

The five sacred deities were born, and each was given the role of gathering and creating their own tribe on land. Each of them had its purpose, and they kept the peace between the different tribes.

The first generation of deities kept a well-balanced society for a century before deciding that it was time to reunite with the God of Eternity as he slowly began to age. Before ascending to heaven, each performed a ritual to extract their remaining lifespan on earth to give life to their successors. 

The first lake of the deity was known as Asherah. She decided upon the lake not far from where her tribe resided, where she slowly placed her powers into the waters, creating the next generation of the Lake Deity, Y/N.

The other deities did the same as they gave birth to their successors: Mahuika (fire), Ilana (earth), Zephyr (wind), and Astrophel (space). 

The second generation was known to be far stronger than their predecessors, as they helped defend the nation against countless wars and misfortunes. The new water deity possessed a new power that her predecessor did not: the ability to cleanse and purify all matters on earth. 

Finally, it came to a point where his people informed the space deity that the gates of hell broke loose, and the demonic creatures had slowly made their way to earth. At the beginning, they posed no threat or harm to the people, and they were able to live peacefully for a while. 

Not until the second known Lucifer, who sacrificed his human life to sell his soul to the devil, rose in power—deciding that it was best to wipe out the entire nation to claim this land as his own. The once peaceful nation that had stayed this way for a century broke into war once again, with the deities all leading their own tribes to fight against the evil spirits. 

But he couldn’t see the battle till the end when his lifespan completely went out, and that was when the new Lucifer emerged from the depths of hell onto earth—going face-to-face in battle with the five deities. 

Nobody knew how he could gain so much power within a short time, but he undoubtedly surpassed the previous one and wiped out the nation in one swift motion. Many people lost their lives, and the five deities were severely wounded. As if that wasn’t enough, he decided to seal the deities away—turning them into rocks, which eventually merged with nature and became a massive statue with no hopes of returning to life. 

Claiming his victory, he returned to hell to regroup and sat on the throne with pride, occasionally sending some demonic creatures to taunt the human world as the people were helpless to fight back.

However, if his ego hadn't got the best out of him, he probably would’ve succeeded in sealing off all five deities back then, not noticing that there was one sole survivor among them. 

With that, the kagura performance stopped, and the priest pointed her suzu at you. “And this is where you shall continue the story, Y/N.” 

You simply blinked at her with your mouth ajar, not knowing how to react or what you should say back to her. Instead, you decided that it was best to keep your mouth shut and try your best not to let your emotions get the best out of you. 

The priest knew that it must’ve been hard to recall everything at once, but she knew that if she held back even further, severe casualties would surely fall upon the nations sooner or later. 

Shaking the bells once more to gain your attention, the priest slowly comes down to your level to gently whisper to both of you. “As you go on your journey to finish the story, I highly suggest that your next location will be the people of the forest, the tribe once protected and guided by the earth deity. They have been suffering from contamination on their land for years, and only with the power as strong as yours will be able to help them rewrite history, Y/N.”

You did not know what to say. Sure, you would love to help anyone in need, but the fact that you were suddenly tossed into the role of saving an entire tribe and potentially substituting as their leader? It was too much for you to take in. 

Your silence was enough to give the priest and Haknyeon a proper answer, so she decided it was best for you to think it through and sort out your thoughts as time passed.

As a result, the rest of the evening went by quietly, with everyone finishing their meals before retiring to their room. Perhaps Haknyeon could read the look on your face, and he said nothing but a simple “don’t be out too long” before he went ahead to shower before bed.

All you wanted to do was be alone after learning about everything that had happened, and you walked to the waterfall behind the shrine before dipping yourself into the waters.

The moment the waters came in contact with your skin, you felt the surge of powers slowly moving up your body as you tried manipulating the waters again, just like you did at the lake back then. As expected, hundreds of water droplets rose from the waterfall as they slowly ascended to the skies, creating this beautiful sight as the moonlight illuminated each one of them. 

You smiled, not because you were happy because your powers were slowly returning as usual and you had finally found the answers from your past, but rather because it had all left you feeling more conflicted than ever before.

You were the sole survivor of the war, and your fellow deities were long gone. And now, you were in charge of saving the people of the forest. 

Can you even do it? Being the old, wrecked, helpless deity who lost all her powers and memories to potentially save a tribe?

Thinking that you’ve had enough thoughts for the day, you slowly submerged yourself under the waterfall, hoping the waters will help wash away all negativity. 

Back at the shrine, Haknyeon had just gotten out of the shower as he dried his wet hair with a small towel draped around his neck. He couldn’t even retire into his room in peace when the priest stood before his door with her arms crossed as she closed her eyes to ask him a question.

“Are you planning to tell Y/N?”

Haknyeon paused for a bit before bluntly giving the priest a reply. “I haven’t decided that yet.” 

“I suggest you won’t wait too long, for the spell has already been broken. I have a feeling that your fellow comrades are already on their way, searching for their new leader. With that, you potentially place Y/N in danger once again.”

The priest’s words felt like dozens of sharp, piercing knives straight through Haknyeon’s heart, but he knew he couldn’t deny everything she had just mentioned. He already had more than enough time in the shower, blaming himself for why his powers weren’t strong enough to hold on for a little longer and what a weakling he was. 

As much as he knew that being close to you now would potentially cause more harm than before, he knew that he couldn’t leave you be either. He was in a dilemma about which option would be better, but he didn’t have much choice. 

Just then, the priest passed Haknyeon through the corridor, and she turned around to look back at the lucifer-to-be once more, her voice much more stern than before.

“If you don’t wish to repeat history and potentially lose the very sole surviving deity for the sake of the nation, then you shall part ways with her as soon as you can.”

For the next couple of days, you decided you needed some time off from everyone since you were still emotionally in bad shape. You didn’t want to interact with anyone, not even Haknyeon. 

Thankfully, each of them respected your space and allowed you to seemingly walk around the shrine and up to the waterfalls back and forth whenever you needed to. Though, the priest would send a maiden to check up on you occasionally, which was completely fine with you. 

With the peace and alone time you’ve had recently, you slowly began to recall when you were with your fellow deities. The nightmares didn’t stop either, and it only made you reminisce about them a lot more than often now that you have remembered everything that had happened.

You have never felt so lonely before—being far away from your tribe and left alone as the sole survivor. You really wished your fellow deities were still here with you, laughing the days away to protecting the nation together. You wanted to be reunited with them as soon as you possibly can. 

Doing the only thing you knew was fitting for the situation, you went back up to the waterfall and submerged half of your body into the waters before you concentrated your whole energy to call upon your other half. Sure enough, your powers were much more stable than before, and you could give the water figure a face that looked exactly like yours.

“Hey, other me. It’s been a while,” you replied as you tried your best to choke back your tears.

“It’s so nice to see you again, Y/N. How have you been?”

“Horrible,” you sniffled. “I really wished that this was just a terrible nightmare that I’m living in right now.” 

“I know. But Y/N, you’ve held on for long enough to get to where you are now, and here you are, finally getting all of the questions that you’ve once had answered.” 

Not entirely convinced, you sighed deeply before letting a single tear fall from your eyes. “Is this all really worth it, though? Having such a tragic past where everything was taken away from you, and now potentially going to help save a tribe that I have no recollection of? What would Ilana think of me saving her people?” 

At this point, you couldn’t care less if people were beginning to hear muffled cries from the shrine. You just wanted someone to talk to and wished your former friends were here to share your burdens. You began sobbing profusely—using your hands to wipe the tears that were pouring uncontrollably from your eyes.

Your other half simply smiled with this empathetic look before she closed the distance between you two and gently cupped your face with her hands—helping wipe your tears away before pulling you in for a hug. 

“Y/N. You’ve done well. I’m sure the others would’ve said the same thing if they had seen how you have lived for them and the nation. I, for one, am proud of you for surviving through that.”

“B-But…I can’t do this…not alone…”

“Who says you’re all alone? You have me, and you have that devil boy that you’ve met on your journey together. You will never be alone through all of these. But right now, know that these tribes your fellow friends have left behind need help. Deep down in your heart, I'm sure you want to make Ilana and the rest of the deities proud. Haven’t you promised Haknyeon the same thing too?”

That’s right. You’re sworn that you will definitely help Haknyeon change the prophecy and his fate. You promised that he would not end up like his uncle or the current ruler in hell and that he could return to being human again. 

You hadn’t just been coming to the waterfall for peace. You have also been secretly trying to hone your skills once more—living up to the name of the Lake Deity you once knew. 

As you hugged your other half tighter, you tried to come up with something lighthearted to break the solemn mood. “You know you could’ve just told me what you couldn’t say before back at the lake.”

“Well, I knew you would eventually learn the truth about Haknyeon one day. He seems like a pretty good guy, good enough for you to continue your journey after all this chaos ends.” 

You immediately shot back up. “Huh? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That’s for you to find out sooner or later,” she simply winked before earning a snarl from you. 

“Party pooper,” you retorted back. 

“Good things always come in the form of surprises. I don’t make the rules.” 

You slump your shoulders in defeat. “Fine then, just promise me you will see this through till the end with me.”

Your other half simply smiles, and she extends her pinky towards you. 

“Pinky promise, Y/N.”

Sweat began to drop profusely as you continued swinging your katana to cut down as much bamboo as possible. It turns out that there was an old training ground behind the shrine where the former deities would hone their skills whenever they came to visit, and the priest would’ve been the mentor as she spoke directly from the God of Eternity. 

The space was ample enough for a duel or even to act as a mini horse-riding battle in the past, according to the priest. It was a location where the deities would come whenever they needed advice from the priest or if they needed to connect to God for advice if there be any.

Over the course of the past couple of weeks, you have been secretly training your combat skills in private whenever you have gotten the chance to. It wasn’t something you wanted to bother Haknyeon with, especially at night when it was time for everyone to head to bed. 

The devil training you tirelessly throughout the day whenever you had a break from your travels was more than enough that you could ask for, and you have noticed how there was this unsettling look plastered all across his face. 

He wouldn’t tell you anything, and you decided it was best not to pry further; that would eventually end up as something uncomfortable between you two. You figured it was important to give one another some space in certain scenarios, and everything has played out perfectly for now. 

Just as you continue swinging your katana, a few raindrops suddenly fall onto your clothing before eventually turning into a downpour. The moment the water came in contact with your skin, you couldn’t help but feel a little bit sentimental—as if the skies were crying for the Lake Deity. 

Your tears were pretty much dried up from crying nonstop for the past couple of days, and the loneliness hasn’t left you in the slightest. However, you try your best not to let it get to you anymore—for you were about to head to the Earth Deity’s tribe in less than twenty-four hours. 

Letting the rain soak up your entire clothing, you continued cutting down the remaining bamboo around you before your movements suddenly came to a halt when a sharp blade came out from nowhere to clash with your katana—putting a stop to your training as you narrowed your eyes to see whoever it was in the dark.

And there was no way you could ever forget those bright, crimson eyes. 

Except that he looks a little different from when you were actively talking to him when you first arrived. You have avoided him like a plague, and he seemed somewhat dejected.

Did something happen?

“You’re going to catch a cold if you keep this up,” Haknyeon warned. 

“Then what are you doing out here in the rain? I fear that you might get sick before I do since water doesn’t have much effect on me. " You tried to keep the atmosphere a little lively by making a joke, but it looked like he wasn’t in much of the mood to retaliate. 

Haknyeon simply sighed before grabbing your wrist to walk you towards the abandoned dojo right next door as the rain was getting much heavier. He decided it would be best to wait until the skies cleared up slightly before heading back down to the shrine. 

It wasn’t unusual for Haknyeon to stay all quiet and not say anything, but given everything that had happened for the past couple of days, you couldn’t really decipher what was going through his mind.

Especially with that look on his face that you felt foreign about. 

However, you managed to squeak a little voice out from your throat, trying not to show the fear or uncertainty in your voice. “A-Are you mad at me?” 

As much as Haknyeon was surprised what came out of your mouth, he tried his best not to show his emotions but simply took off his jacket to drape it over your head as he bent down to your level. 

“I’m not mad. Just a little scared.”

“Scared? The devil actually gets scared?”

“Y/N, as much as we devils are deemed as evil incarnated, we do have emotions just like your humans and deities do.” 

Well, that was surprising. 

Since he has finally spoken up, you tried to clear off the awkwardness in the air by trying your best to keep up the conversation with him. “Listen, I- I’m just not myself for the past few days, and I needed some time alone to think-”

“Me neither,” Haknyeon softly mumbled before sitting next to you. “I’m sorry, Y/N.”

You scoffed. “W-What are you apologising for? I should be the one to say that instead-”

“Y/N- Can you…just answer me truthfully on this one question I have for you?” Haknyeon shut his eyes when he said those words as he balled up his fists on his lap. You have never seen him feeling so conflicted and uncertain before, given that he was the one who was always dominating you. 

This new side of him felt…sad? As if he had been hiding something for so long, and it was slowly eating him away. Not having the energy to put up with another fight, you just cut to the chase and simply nodded your head. 

What he brings up next only makes you feel puzzled. 

“Do you trust me?”

Really? He’s asking all of these now after everything you both have been through? You clearly have told him before that you could no longer take in anymore betrayals if it were ever on his mind. But who were you to judge, especially when the likes of his people defeated your fellow deities in the past. 

But you wanted to believe that whatever he had said until now was true, and he was genuinely sincere from the start. He just so happened to be caught up in this unlucky fate passed down from his grandparents when he much deserved to live a normal life with the humans on earth instead. 

Without hesitation, you blurted out what you felt deep down about him. “Of course I do.” 

But it seemed that he wasn’t satisfied with that answer, and he simply shook his head before running one of his hands through his strikingly blonde hair. “It’s…not that simple, Y/N.”

“Then tell me. Make me understand whatever that’s going through in your mind. We promised that we’re in this together,” you begged as you grabbed both of his hands while putting slight pressure on them.

“Y/N,” he sighs. “Can you not go to where the people of the forest are?” 

What in the fucking hell is that question?

“You know I can’t do that. I’m the only person who possesses the power to help purify their land-”

“Yes, I know. But- is there a chance you can stay put here, and I’ll help them out in your place instead?”

“Haknyeon. Stop playing games with me, and tell me what exactly you’re actually thinking.” 

“It’s just…Y/N. I’m afraid to lose you.”

Lose you? What was he talking about?

It could be that he was looking out for you since you had learnt about the horrors of the war, and you haven’t fully regained your strength and powers yet. Perhaps going there unprepared could do more harm than actually saving the people.

But still, you made a promise to yourself. You weren’t going to let innocent people lose their lives again because of what the devils had done in the past. Instead, you will change history and give the nation a purpose to live again—just like your fellow deities would’ve wished for if they were still alive today. 

Squeezing his hands tightly once more, you commanded the male to look straight into your eyes and not look away. 

“Listen to me, Ju Haknyeon. If you think you can keep looking down on me forever, I will prove you wrong. Staying here for the past few days has helped me regain my strength and will to fight, and I will step up on the battlefield if I have to. This nation is my beloved people. As much as I want to help you change your fate, I’m going to change theirs, too. And I don’t need no justification for my purposes.”

Making sure he had registered everything you had just said, you let go of your hands before cupping his warm cheeks to bring his face much closer to yours.

“Understood?” 

You both stayed like that for a few seconds, though it seemed like a couple of minutes had passed instead. You expected him to swat away your hands and retort back with another teasing remark. Instead, he simply tilts his head slightly to the side to completely savour your soft hands on his cheeks as he smiles for the first time in days. 

“Your win, Y/N.” 

“Hah! The day has finally come when I beat the king of the underworld!” You childishly replied before standing up to do a couple of jumps on the wooden floorboards and then sitting down again to give him this smug look on your face. Haknyeon just smiled as you began yapping about your training and how you discovered a new skill each day.

Before you knew it, you both had been sitting here for a few hours, and the sun was slowly rising. The rain was beginning to stop, and the birds were chirping away from the trees nearby. 

“Y/N. It’s time for us to head back-” Haknyeon was about to get up from his seat when he felt some weight on his shoulders. The moment he turns around to see that you fell asleep at some point, his eyes immediately soften before he leans back on one of the pillars at the dojo—pulling you in and cuddling you before he rests his lips on your forehead. 

“Let us be okay.”

At The Gates Of The Entrance To Earth From Hell

“This is why I hated coming up to the surface; the air stinks as fuck,” Balor exaggerated as he stepped foot into the forest with an army behind him. 

The other members were astonished by the new environment around them, given that it had been decades since so many demonic creatures had ascended to Earth since the war. They didn’t need to launch a full-scale battle, as they had already tasted victory with all the deities sealed away.

Until Haknyeon escaped from the depths of hell. 

Who would’ve thought that the peace that the underworld had experienced for the past couple of decades would abruptly come to an end all because the next successor refuses to accept his own fate and take over the throne? It was definitely a first in hell’s books.

The moment all the soldiers arrived at the surface, their aura immediately caused the nearby fields to wither away slowly—turning each corps from green to ash grey. The moment any animals decided to come close, Balor would simply snap his own fingers, and they would all perish in a split second. 

“Listen lads, I refuse to stay up here for long, and I suggest you all do the same before his highness loses his patience and tosses all of you into the scorching flames in hell. Doyle,” Balor points his spear at the young lad. “Locate Haknyeon’s whereabouts by smelling his scent.”

Doyle did exactly that by taking a whiff of the air before he pointed his comrades to the north. “He is headed up north, sir. But…”

“But?” Balor asked.

“His scent smells…different. It’s like he has someone with him, and it doesn’t smell like a devil to me.”

Surprised, Balor’s eyes widened, but the look was quickly replaced by a smug expression. He let out a sinister laugh that sent a chill down the spines of the other devils. There was a reason they were terrified of Balor becoming their commander, and they would do anything to ensure he didn’t replace their former leader, Donovan.

There were rumours that sparked around for centuries that he was a lot more dangerous than Lucifer himself, and he was the former right-hand man of Haknyeon’s grandfather. If he had the chance, he would’ve seized the throne and overthrown Lucifer if he wanted to. But nobody knows why he refused and has kept a pretty low profile for a long time now.

However, they have always been on the lookout for whenever Balor may slowly creep into one’s chamber at night, and the next thing that happens, they will perish or be killed by his own hands. Since Lucifer trusted him with everything, his Royal Highness would simply turn a blind eye and not care if there was one less demon in the underworld each day. 

It had been decades since the devils themselves had heard that specific laughter, and they knew that it could only mean bad news. 

Balor threw his head back and laughed menacingly, savoring each moment as his voice echoed through the forest. He couldn’t care less if someone heard him; in fact, he wanted someone to notice and be terrified of whatever tricks he was planning to pull.

All of a sudden, he snaps his head back and showcases this awfully frightening grin towards his underdogs, letting them know that the show’s just about to begin. 

“Just you wait, Ju Haknyeon. I’m going to rip you into shreds.”

Y/N's POV

“Oh my god…”

You could only mumble those three words in horror as you focused on the sight before you. Thankfully, the people of the forest did not live too far from the shrine, and it only took a couple of hours with the horses that the priest had provided both you and Haknyeon with. 

But nothing could’ve prepared you for what you had to see with your very own eyes. 

All the crops were wilted, and nearly everyone was malnourished, lying on the ground in a struggle between life and death. As you slowly marched into the tribe, the overwhelming stench in the air hit you immediately. How could these people have lived like this for years? No wonder they had suffered and taken the worst damage after what happened to their deity.

As you walked past each of the people, they didn’t even have the strength to look at you or give any reaction. You took your time to slowly examine each and every one of them: some were having trouble breathing while the rest were either coughing up blood or they had fallen into eternal slumber. 

Your grip against the reins on your horse tightened as you felt that you were on the verge of tears, and your actions didn’t go unnoticed by Haknyeon. He was catching up from behind, but he moved right up next to you and placed his hands on yours—squeezing them tight to give you some comfort.

“This was why I didn’t want you to come, Y/N. It’s just too much for you to handle and even for me.”

As much as there was some truth to what he said, you promised that you wouldn’t turn away from reality anymore and ignore your people anymore. You simply closed your eyes and took a deep breath before turning to Haknyeon to give him a weak smile.

“It’s for my people. I’ll be okay, promise.” 

Haknyeon knew from the back of his mind that you were the worst liar that he had ever come across. To be fair, he also had the ability to read other people’s minds, so it wouldn’t have taken any effort for him to decipher whatever you’re hiding behind those fake emotions after all. But because you insisted on coming even though you knew what the consequences would be, he simply hoped that you both could resolve the matters at hand as quickly as possible, and he would return you to the shrine in one piece.

It felt as if you were marching through the village endlessly, with the situation worsening the deeper you went. The people living farther inside the village suffered even more than those near the outskirts. But that wasn’t the only thing that caught your attention. At the very center of the town stood a massive hibiscus flower—at least thirty meters tall, long wilted for who knows how long.

You tried to focus hard, and just as expected, you noticed some red hues flowing into the flower. You followed the trail until you realised it was being exerted by the people of the tribe. It looked like they were exchanging their lifespan to keep the flower up.

Before you can even walk close to the flower itself, a voice emerges from behind you that causes both you and Haknyeon to turn around. There stood an elderly lady holding onto a scepter to support her as she walked towards you, struggling to breathe or have a proper conversation with you. 

You quickly leapt down from your horse to give her support before she ushered you both to the back of the village. Confused, both of you simply followed her for a while, as something told you that she had something important to show you both. 

Sure enough, you were led to what seemed to be a garden once filled with a variety of flora, now reduced to nothing but dry soil. In the center lay a tombstone, and the lady leaned down to brush off the dust that had settled on the marble over time.

It simply read: here lies our unforgotten deity, Ilana, who sacrificed herself in exchange for keeping the tribe alive. 

No. It can’t be.

“T-This…Is Ilana’s final resting ground?” You stammered, trying your best to hold back your tears as you rested your eyes upon your former comrade’s tombstone.

“We found her, or her statue, not long after the war ended. Our ancestors were the ones who created this resting place for her. It used to be a well-kept, beautiful garden—filled with vibrant flowers and creatures such as butterflies and fairies that made the place feel so alive. It seemed that our deity left a portion of her powers with her before she passed on, and it has kept us going for decades until the power slowly began to fade away, which caused us to suffer that fate that we have now.”

“Is that why your people…”

“Yes. The hibiscus flower that stands strong and tall at the center of the village is what keeps us people alive. It was our source of light, guidance, and even nutrition. However, when our deity’s power diminished, so did the sacred flower. Refusing to let it die, we people of the land decided to exchange our lifespan to keep it alive.”

“But why? Why would you sacrifice yourselves for that? You're all dying!" Tears welled up as your voice grew louder, prompting Haknyeon to gently squeeze your shoulders in an attempt to calm you down.

The lady simply chuckled weakly. “Perhaps, it may seem absurd to outsiders. But just like how everyone has something that they cherish deeply, it’s the flower of life that guides us through our everyday lives.” 

The moment you saw the look she had on her face, you knew that there was nothing that you could say that could convince her to do anything that she and her people have been doing otherwise. Instead, you composed yourself before telling her who you were and your purpose for visiting. 

“Well then, tell me what I can do to help. I’m the last living deity, overseeing the lakes and purifying all evil. I will not let you people suffer anymore, and I’m sure your deity would want the same.”

It was hard for either of you to tell when the sun had gone down, given that the entire village had been surrounded in darkness due to the heavy contamination in the air. The first thing you did right after speaking with the lady was to head back towards the sacred flower and try placing your hands onto the hibiscus to see if anything had happened.

Sure enough, your palms began to glow as you touched the flower, and it slowly shifted from black to a faint, vibrant red. Unfortunately, you could only sustain it for a few minutes before collapsing to the ground, causing Haknyeon to rush to your side to check on you.

You knew exactly what it meant. The flower was far too contaminated, and it would take a great deal of strength and time to completely purify the entire thirty-metre-tall flower. However, you wouldn’t take failure as an option, so you decided to turn your attention to other pressing matters.

You enlisted the help of the elder and Haknyeon to gather the people in groups, then gently placed your hands on their heads. As you expected, your powers were more than enough to cleanse their contamination, restoring them to full strength and health. As soon as each person recovered, they wasted no time running around the village to help others in need.

By nighttime, you have successfully healed one-third of the population before you realise that your body can no longer keep up with the excessive power you use today. It took Haknyeon a lot of convincing to pull you away from your responsibilities as he forced you to rest in the cabin the lady had prepared for you. 

As much as you tried to fall asleep, you kept tossing and turning throughout the night—barely getting a wink of sleep. With that, you finally decided that you weren’t getting any sleep for the night before you stood up and opened the doors to breathe in the somewhat less contaminated air. 

The fact that you were slowly able to see the bright stars shown in the skies somewhat gave you hope that these people would soon be freed from their nightmares. With that, you decided to share the good news with someone.

More specifically, with her.

You made your little trek up the hills until you reached the same garden the elderly lady had brought you earlier this evening. The moment you passed through the last patch of long branches covering your path, you suddenly laid your eyes upon the tombstone, where the moonlight was shining directly upon it.

Slowly taking a few steps towards it, you couldn’t help but smile as you saw the lights that reflected the marble. You made a little spot to sit down and rest your hands on the material.

“Hey, Ilana…it’s me,” you spoke while tears began streaming down your face. “You’re a warrior, and you’re a hundred years way up ahead of me. The way how you’ve kept your tribe alive after all these years, and the amount of devotion they have for you and the village? It’s something that I could never have done, even for my people.” 

Adjusting your seat as you scooched closer to the tombstone, you resumed whatever you needed to tell your friend. “I’m so sorry that you had to suffer the same fate as the other three, but I’m here now…and I will do my best to save your people if it’s the last thing I’ll do.” 

And that was it. You could no longer hold back your emotions and everything that you’ve held up to this point as you began sobbing uncontrollably. If someone were passing by, they would for sure hear your loud cries and probably report to the village. 

“I-It should’ve been me…why was I the only survivor? Why did you and the others have to go like that?” 

You kept on chanting those exact words, and till this day, you could never forgive yourself for how much the others have suffered for decades. You wished that you could trade places with them—that way only one tribe had to suffer for a little bit while the other four remained strong.

That doesn’t mean you don’t love your people, but you knew that things would somehow work out with the four deities being around. Hell, you haven’t even visited the other tribes yet to see how grave their situation was—you just knew and were told that Ilana’s tribe suffered the worst and were in grave danger. 

Your cries then turned into screams, and you could no longer hold back the overwhelming emotions that you’d been trying to contain for a while now. Immediately, a pair of warm arms wrap around your torso, and you know exactly who it is without needing to open up your eyes.

You hugged him tighter in response, and your tears flowed excessively to the point that it would ruin his leather jacket anytime now. But Haknyeon chose to remain silent as he cradled you in his arms. He caressed your head and rubbed your back, trying his best to give you as much comfort as possible. 

You were in so much debt to this man. He has been with you since the day you tried escaping and was on the brink of death. Although your first impressions of one another weren’t the best, you knew now that he had always been a good guy deep in his heart—even though he was a devil himself. 

About ten minutes had passed when you finally calmed down; you looked up at the man for the first time since he had arrived before asking him weakly.

“H-Haknyeon…do you think I can do it?”

This time, it was his turn to wipe your tears away before gently rubbing your puffy cheeks with his thumb—giving them a little squeeze to tease you just a little. 

“Affirmative, Miss Y/N.” 

Just then, his thumb that was pinching your cheeks suddenly moves down to your lips, swiping them once before he closes the gap between you two. 

“Tell me to stop if you don’t like it.”

Before you could even retaliate, he pulled you in and crashed his lips on yours. Deep down, you already knew in your gut that you had never wanted to reject his touch, which has become much more prominent, especially in the past couple of weeks. 

You needed him just as much as he needed you, and you wanted to savour his warmth and how sweet he tasted as long as you could. You were surprised at how his lips felt on yours because if you had told someone that the devil was a pretty good kisser, they would’ve thought that you had lost your mind.

But not Ju Haknyeon. He was different, and you were glad that you had given the devil himself a chance.

As you pulled apart to catch your breath, your tongues slowly untangled with a soft pop. You opened your eyes to take in the sight of him—his eyes glowing red, making him look even more irresistibly attractive than before.

“You didn’t reject it…” he panted. 

“Just like how you didn’t reject my lips, mister devil,” you challenged back.

“Hah,” he scoffed, rubbing his lips with his thumb. “You’re a needy woman.”

“Right back at you, Ju.” 

“Well then, one more?” 

“You’re damn right we’re going for another,” you smirked before pulling him down as you both fell back on the ground, reconnecting your lips with one another and savour it for as long as you possibly could before it was time to head back into reality in a couple of hours.

“How many people are completely healed?” The elderly shouted at one of the passersby.

“Two-thirds at this point, ma’am! We’re close to regaining our powers back!” 

“Well then, what are you guys waiting for? It’s about time we go help out the lake deity who’s exerting all her powers towards the sacred flower!”

Just as the elder had commanded, the people split into two groups: one headed towards the sacred flower to help purify the contamination, while the others stayed back to help the ones who were still too weak to stand up. 

With the unity of the entire tribe, you received far more help and support than you expected. The people of the land were able to channel enough power to sustain the flower’s life while you focused on purifying it. This saved you a great deal of energy, and the flower was already halfway restored, turning back into a bright, vibrant red.

“Only a little bit more! We can do this!” One of them shouted.

“That’s right! I’m sure our deity has sent the help we have needed for the past decade at this right time! Let’s push through, lads!” 

As you witnessed how the entire tribe came together as one to help save their homeland, you couldn’t help but hold back the happy tears as you was what you wished Ilana could’ve been here to witness it herself.

With that, you summoned your last ounce of strength and poured it into the hibiscus. Within seconds, the glow from your hands radiated outward, enveloping the entire flower. To your astonishment, the last remaining contaminated spot vanished into thin air, and the dark clouds in the sky dissipated as the bright sun shone down upon the tribe.

Immediately, the entire village erupted in cheers, with everyone hugging one another and letting their happy tears stream down their faces. The moment your eyes saw the outcome of your efforts, you finally let go of yourself before falling onto your knees, only to be caught by those warm pair of arms you love.

“I…I did it…I actually did it…” you said softly, looking up at Haknyeon, who returned this proud and touching look right back at you. 

“You’ve done so well, Y/N. You saved your people,” he praised before tightening his grip on you. 

You both took a moment to gaze lovingly at the people around you as you rested your head against the crook of Haknyeon’s neck. Your hands intertwined, you spoke softly, “This is such a proud moment for me. I feel like a proud mother watching these people finally reclaim their freedom after so long.”

“And they finally did because of you, Y/N. You deserve the credit.”

“No, Haknyeon. These people should deserve it after everything that they’ve been through. I’m just the lake deity passing through to provide some assistance.” 

Haknyeon simply smiled as he planted a soft kiss on your forehead. “Alrighty, Miss Y/N. Let’s go report back to the elder and check up on the rest of the people at the borders.”

“You’re right,” you stood up as you dusted your clothing. “Let’s go-”

“Maybe you should hold your horses right there, young lady.”

Both of you immediately shot up and prepared yourselves in defensive mode, scanning around to see where the source of that deep, taunting voice was coming from. However, it all seemed odd when the people were still cheering for their victory, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

Until you felt a sharp pain in your neck, and it immediately turned into a cut as blood began oozing out profusely. You let out a scream as you fell to your knees—your vision began to blur from whatever had caused the injury.

What was going on?

Just then, grey clouds began emerging in the skies, and dozens of black swords fell from the skies straight to the grounds—the swords themselves turning into demonic creatures as they began holding all of the people captive. 

Then, a loud thunder began to rumble as a large sword fell straight upon both of you—and out emerged a tall, built devil. Judging by the look on Haknyeon’s face as he came into contact with whoever it was, you knew that it probably meant bad news. 

“Ah, Haknyeon. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? We definitely missed your company back in hell.”

“Balor. You shouldn’t have come,” Haknyeon gritted his teeth as he locked eyes with the man, both exerting their devil’s aura at once, taunting one another.

“Now, that’s not very nice to say to your senior, young lad. After all, I’m in charge of mentoring you the moment you ascend to the throne-”

“There will be no ascensions, and your mission ends here. I suggest you quietly bring your troop of men and leave before you try anything funny,” Haknyeon warns as he pulls out a katana and points it directly at his rival, getting ready for battle even if he had to harm his kin.

“P-Please!” Your voice squeaked, and both men turned their heads to you. “L-Leave these people alone…they do not deserve to get caught up in all of these…” you begged while trying to keep your balance and vision clear.

“My my, what do we have here!” Balor chuckled as he began swinging his spear playfully from left to right. “Who would’ve thought the Ju Haknyeon or soon-to-be Lucifer actually went to elicit help from the lake deity to change his fate? Hah! How pathetic!” 

Balor’s laughter erupted almost immediately, and you hated how much his voice stung and kept ringing in your ears. But thankfully, it didn’t last long till Haknyeon immediately charged in with his sword, and a full fight between the two devils eventually broke out.

Both of them were skilled enough that you couldn’t even see when their blades clashed against one another, and they were moving around at the speed of light. 

So this is what the devils are capable of. 

As much as you wanted to stop them, the injury you had sustained was far more gruesome than you thought, and your consciousness was slowly fading away until you felt another strong presence that had just appeared behind you. 

Instantly, the strong aura made your hair stand, and you froze in place as whoever it was leaned close to your ear and whispered just enough for you to hear.

“Who would’ve thought that you would actually escape my seal?”

The presence didn’t go unnoticed by Haknyeon as he stood utterly still—his eyes widened, and he saw who it was that had just come up to the surface.

“Lucifer…” he mumbled. 

"I suppose the rumors were true after all," Lucifer said, yanking a handful of your hair and lifting you like a rag doll. "The lake deity truly is the strongest among the five. My apologies for doubting your abilities."

“Leave her alone!” Haknyeon yelled at the top of his lungs, but he was soon stopped by Balor, who was now holding him down in one swift motion with his spear merely an inch away from his neck.

“Oh, my dear Haknyeon. We missed you dearly; you know that it’s bad manners to run off like that,” Lucifer growled, and your cries and pain only grew louder and more prominent the higher he lifted you up.

“Name your price, Lucifer. What are you planning to do? Leave Y/N and these people alone. This is a matter among us devils,” Haknyeon tried his best not to provoke the current Lucifer any further as all of your lives were at stake. Deep down, he was praying that whatever Lucifer had up his sleeves, it better not be the worst-case scenario that he had always feared from the back of his mind.

Sealing you away for good this time.

Time was ticking, and he was trying to come up with another negotiation if needed be. But it seems that Lucifer already had something up his mind, and he knew it could not be good.

“You know, Haknyeon. Maybe you should’ve thought twice before you ascended here on earth actually to find this stupid deity to change the prophecy.”

As Lucifer spoke his last words, he tossed you straight to the side before charging into Haknyeon—his claws piercing right through his chest, making him scream in agony. Lucifer then asserts an incredible amount of power into his successor—the power that Haknyeon had desperately tried to keep to himself broke free and finally consumed him as a whole.

His blonde hair gradually shifted to jet black, and his eyes glowed a permanent, blood-red crimson as the powers consumed him. The moment Lucifer set him down, he was no longer the person you once knew. He let out one final scream before the skies darkened completely, and heavy rain began to pour.

He was no longer human. 

Lucifer could only break into laughter at the sight of his successor’s transformation. He brought his hands together and applauded. “Behold, everyone! This is the new Lucifer, destined to be the lord of the underworld and rule here on Earth! But if you’ll excuse us, we have a ceremony to attend back in Hell.”

Lucifer then turns his head to look at you one last time before he slowly approaches you. “Oh, and I almost forgot. It’s only the right manners for me to dispose of trash like you.”

With a snap of his fingers, a black portal opened directly above you. He picked you up one last time and hurled you into the darkness.

You swirled through the void as if thrown into a rushing stream, screaming at the top of your lungs for anyone—or anything—to help stop this. But you were far from the village and the perpetrators, and the source of light was slowly fading away from you.

This was it. It was the end. You had failed the nation and Haknyeon. 

It was time to say goodbye to everyone and everything.

You had no idea how long you had been lying lifelessly on the shore. After being thrown out of the portal by the former Lucifer, you somehow found yourself near the sea, with waves crashing against you every few minutes.

In the beginning, you kept screaming your heart out as tears streamed down your face. You kept blaming yourself for everything that had happened. You were so close yet far from victory, and you shouldn’t have let your guard down when the creatures from the underworld infiltrated the people of the forest’s tribe.

You kept digging your hands into the sand, repeatedly dragging the material until your palms bled from the shards of broken glass and sharp shells that had accumulated over time.

You didn’t even want to think about what happened at the tribe. Those innocent people who had just escaped their worst nightmare were now back in the hands of the devil, and god knows what else they would have to suffer this time. 

Ilana’s tombstone. You really wished nothing had happened to your former comrade’s final resting place as you hope that she will no longer be in pain but be able to rest in peace. 

And…Haknyeon.

You’ll never forget the look of agony on his face when Lucifer pierced his heart and shattered the seal he had fought so hard to maintain. The way he transformed as the devil consumed him—his hair shifting from blonde to jet black, and his eyes turning a permanent blood-red—will be etched in your memory forever.

Every single time you thought about what happened to your fellow travel companion, the more you hated yourself. You both started off this journey with one sole purpose: you regaining back your strength and identity, and Haknyeon with his wish to change the prophecy. 

Yet, only one of you was able to achieve your dreams at the very end, while the other was now sent into the seven layers of hell to suffer his cursed fate. 

Suddenly, a massive wave crashed down on you as thunder rumbled in the sky, threatening to unleash a tsunami that could wipe out the entire shore. You floated aimlessly, struggling to keep your head above water to breathe, but eventually, the waves became too overwhelming and engulfed you completely.

As you sank deeper into the ocean, the light from above began to fade. Large sea creatures swam overhead, casting shadows that made your surroundings feel even darker and more desolate than before.

With that, you closed your eyes as you let yourself fall deeper into the depths of the ocean, not caring about anything in the world right now.

Maybe, you were just not fit to be called the Sacred Deity of the Lake anymore.

“Y/N? Y/N wake up, you sleepy head!”

Who’s voice was that?

Slowly, you began to open your eyes until the bright light was blaring right onto your face, causing you to rub your eyes for a bit before you could adjust your eyesight to look at where the source of whoever it was was coming from.

You looked around and your gaze finally landed on a woman standing just a few feet away. She had long blonde hair with hints of green highlights, and she wore a green dress that resembled leaves, adorned with blooming flowers at the hem. She offered you a warm smile with her hands tucked behind her back.

That could only mean one thing.

You immediately rushed and hugged her tight—resting your head at the crook of her neck. Tears began streaming down your face again until she returned the hug to you as she drew circles behind your back to help soothe you seemingly.

“Ilana…I miss you so bad…”

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it? We have so much to catch up on.” 

For the next few minutes, you just savoured the moment of being able to reconcile with your best friend and take in the scent you’ve missed so badly for the past several decades. The moment you both broke apart from the hug, you couldn’t help but reminisce back on the good old days and the teasing started almost instantly between one another.

You both talked about how you had a snowball fight once where you ended up destroying one of the rooms back at the shrine and challenged one another to draw the funniest faces possible on your fellow deities when they were asleep. 

It was great to take a step back in time for a bit, and you really needed that distraction from what was happening in the real world.

“I saw what you did for my people back there, Y/N. I can never thank you enough for that,” Ilana looked at you with regret in her green eyes, feeling awful that she couldn’t be there for her people when they needed her most. 

“Don’t be. It’s our responsibility, after all, to keep the nation at peace.”

Right after you said those words out loud, your friend seemingly stared at the ground for a couple of seconds before you had to ask if everything was alright. The moment she held her head high up again, the look that she once had with you when you both first reconnected was now replaced with a much more determined and serious look as she placed her hands on your shoulders.

“That also means that I have seen the aftermath of what happened right after my people were freed from the fate they have suffered for the past several decades, and I’m here to tell you something very important.” 

“I-Ilana? Is something wrong?”

“Y/N, the reason why I’m able to appear here in front of you is because I was able to transmit the last remaining powers I’ve had for this moment. I’ve elicited the help from Astrophel for this-” 

Ilana suddenly stops midsentence and turns behind to see the three figures slowly approaching you. Sure enough, it was the other three deities that also suffered the same fate, just as Ilana did.

“Indeed, Y/N,” Astrophel continues. “This is a subconscious space that I created right before we passed on, for we knew it would come in handy, especially in times like this.”

“Y-You all knew I would break free from Lucifer’s curse?” 

“Of course we did. You are the strongest amongst all five of us, after all,” Mahuika smiled as she gave you a thumbs up. 

“We have always left a small portion of our powers within you right before each of us was sealed away. It’s just a matter of us returning to you like this at the right time. And you did the right thing when you touched Ilana’s tombstone back at her tribe,” Zephyr commented. 

“That’s right, Y/N. We have seen the damage the underworld has caused our beloved people for the past several decades. But now that you have awakened your powers, it’s time to overthrow them and change history again.” Ilana concluded.

You couldn’t help but smile as you took in all of your former friends' words as you’d missed hearing their voices. However, you slumped your shoulders in defeat the moment they were done talking, and each of them looked at you with a puzzled look.

“Sorry to burst your bubble, but I fear that I’m no longer the lake deity that people once looked up to back in the day. I’m just a crippled, good-for-nothing deity who barely knows how to fight or control her powers no more. I failed to save the people of the forest and I- I also failed to keep a promise,” you choked back on your tears.

The other four deities simply turned their heads towards one another and gave each other looks before Ilana stepped forward to tilt your chin back up.

“It’s about Haknyeon, isn’t it?”

You gasped at the moment his name escaped from your friend’s mouth. Given that they mentioned how they’ve been watching everything that has unfolded until now, there’s no doubt they would probably have figured out the relationship between you two. 

“You know, I once had a dream about the God of Eternity warning me about the consequences of befriending someone from the underworld. If I had taken his advice back then, I might’ve been able to escape whatever has happened between us-”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Y/N.”

“Huh? What are you talking about, Ilana?”

Mahuika chuckled. “Who says we can’t change history and the norm? You befriend and help whoever you want!”

“Given that he hasn’t done anything but protect you up till this point, he’s definitely cleared in my books,” Zephyr replied confidently. 

“They’re right, Y/N. You need, or rather, will definitely be needing his help if you want to save the nation this time.” Ilana grip on your shoulders tightened. 

“But how? He’s no longer human and has completely turned into Lucifer himself. There’s nothing much he could do anymore…” 

“I would take those words back if I were you,” Astrophel points up as a piercing light shines down from above.

Suddenly, the consciousness of all four of your former deities began to fade, and you could no longer feel their hands on you. Panic set in as you frantically rushed from one to another, pleading with them not to leave you behind after all the years you had desperately tried to reconnect with them.

“Fear not, Y/N. We will be with you in your final battle. All we ask is that you trust yourself and in Haknyeon,” the four voices echoed before they eventually faded away.

With that, a large, dark hand descended from above and pulled you out of your space. You must have blacked out for a moment because when you came to, you found yourself back on the shore, watching the waves gradually calm after the storm.

It was then that you noticed you were lying on something much softer than sand. You felt a pair of arms resting behind your back and on your thigh.

And that scent. You will never forget it, especially how you’ve been travelling together for weeks. 

The moment you locked your eyes with him, you jumped up and hugged him as tightly as you possibly could as you rubbed your cheeks with his. He responded in the same way and planted a soft peck on your cheeks but never fails to make a teasing comment just like he always did.

“I do not recall that either of us would give up before we achieved what we wanted to.”

“I-It’s not that…” you sniffled. “I’m just taking a dip in the ocean.”

“More like you were drowning to me,” Haknyeon spat. 

“What matters is that you’re here now, and you’re alive and well,” you quickly kissed him once on the lips before you had to pull apart and bow your head down at him. “I-I’m sorry…I wasn’t able to help you change your fate…because now you’re-”

“That’s not my main concern right now, Y/N.”

You titled your head back up. “It’s not?”

“Well, for one-” Haknyeon grunts as he tries to stand back up. “-we need to go clean up the mess in the underworld before anything else. Those creatures would definitely catch up soon now that their king is dead.”

King is dead?

Wait. Does that mean?

“L-Lucifer is gone?”

Haknyeon turned his head down to look at you as he shuts his eyes. “He died in my hands, yes. Honestly speaking, he was a lot weaker than I thought. He was the one who awakened my powers, and yet he died because of it. How ironic, isn’t it?” 

You couldn’t believe your ears. You realised that the person right before you was now the current Lucifer, who had just overtaken the throne. He definitely gives off this darker and more sinister aura than before, but you knew that deep down, he was still the same person you have come to trust and love.

“Though I wouldn’t be so sure about Balor,” Haknyeon commented. 

“You mean the commander?”

“He’ll be our last enemy, Y/N. And we’ll be fighting him till the very end.”

“Woah woah woah, hold up. What do you mean ‘we’?” You stopped him in his tracks, hoping that what you’d heard was just a hallucination.

But it wasn’t. Haknyeon simply smirked before he opened up a portal, grabbed your wrist, and led you to it. “You don’t expect me to die alone in battle, do you? I’m going to need a partner-in-crime for this. Also, someone to heal my wounds after the battle is over.”

“Look at you being all confident saying you’ll win this,” you teased. 

“So, are you coming with me, my princess?” 

Oh, hell no. He did not just use that word against you.

“Name your price first.”

“Well, you can either join me or you can go have another dip in the tsunami. Your choice.”

You sulked. “You’re no fun. You just want me to suffer either way.” 

“It’s the only two options available now, Y/N. But I promise, we’ll be in this together till the end.”

That’s right. You were finally going to make things right, and your former deities promised to be with you in your final battle—each of their remaining spark of flame and powers nestled within you.

Taking a deep breath, you intertwined your fingers with Haknyeon and closed the gap between you two.

“Lead the way then, king of the underworld.”

“W-What is this…” Doyle stammered as he walked closer to inspect the huge pile of ash that lay on the throne. The moment he touched those ashes, it only left a permanent burn that felt so hot as if he had just tasted what it feels like to fall straight into the burning fires below.

“That, my fellow soldier, was what used to be the king or at least his remains,” Balor answered while polishing his spear as he placed it straight into the fire to let it burn for a couple of seconds before taking it back out.

“I-I don’t understand…how and when did all of these happen?” 

“Let’s just say that you can ask the gentleman who’s standing right behind you right now,” Balor threw one of his kunais straight towards Doyle’s direction before it was intercepted by a katana knocked it straight to the ground.

“Sacrificing your own soldiers just to kill me? You really are worse than Lucifer himself,” Haknyeon gritted his teeth as his devil aura began exerting excessively, giving Balor a death stare. 

You figured that since Haknyeon was in his own territory, he was definitely able to exert twice as much power as he did back on earth, and whoever wasn’t careful would undoubtedly lose their head to the current lord of the underworld himself.

“These foolish demons are nothing but pawns, just like Lucifer, who fell at your hands. He was far worse and more useless than his predecessors.” Balor stepped forward, pacing in circles at the center of the chamber. He taunted Haknyeon, beckoning him with a gesture to approach the stage for a duel.

“Something tells me that you’ve waited all these years for this very moment, for Lucifer to die that is.”

“Of course, young lad. I wasn’t about to get my hands dirty from killing him. Sure, he was an easy job, and I could’ve done it during the war. But what better for him to die under the hands of his successor; now that’s a scoop that’ll go down in history.” 

Haknyeon was slowly getting ticked off by his demeanour, and he immediately unleashed a large amount of power onto his sword, engulfing the katana in flames. 

Balor did the same, but his flames burned a dark purple instead. When both men reached a standstill, they charged at each other without hesitation. Their blades clashed in a relentless frenzy, and you struggled to keep up with the action as it unfolded before you.

You knew that you weren’t just going to stand there watching, so you armed yourself with your very own katana as you turned behind to face the hoard of army that was ready to skin you alive.

However, you have come prepared this time, and you’ve gotten help from your fellow deities within you. Focusing all of your energy at once, you glistened with a blue light surrounding you as you pointed your katana straight at the devils themselves.

“I’m not here for a fight, though if you insist, then you’ll have to suffer the consequences of my blade.”

As soon as you announced your intention, the entire army charged at you. You quickly got to your feet, striking them down one by one. Thanks to your purifying abilities, the demons evaporated into thin air upon contact with your blade.

Before long, you began to hear the voices of your fellow deities within you, each infusing their powers into your blade. With Zephyr's energy, you created a swirling vortex, while Astrophel’s power transported some demons to another dimension.

Mahuika’s flames were far hotter and more powerful than those surrounding the chamber, reducing the demons to ash with your blade's touch.

With Ilana’s power, you infused poison into their bloodstreams with every cut, causing them to collapse to their knees, suffering the effects of a toxin that could never be cure

Then it came down to your own powers. Channeling all your strength, you summoned a water dragon that coiled around your enemies, purifying them in an instant.

After clearing the path, you were left with a sole survivor with his back glued to one of the pillars at the very end. You recognised who it was as he was the one tagging along with Balor when you first encountered the male back at the tribe.

However, he seemed terrified, and he was in no shape to fight back. Instead, he quickly got on his knees and lowered his head, begging for mercy.

“P-Please! Please spare me! I have nothing to do with this!” 

“What makes you think that I should listen to you? You’re a demon from the underworld,” you posed the question as you rested your katana against his neck. Doyle begins sweating profusely, and you can tell by the sweatdrops that fell right onto your blade.

“Balor was never our leader! Donovan was! And we never wanted to have anything associated with him!” 

You narrowed your eyes. “What do you mean by that?” 

“H-He’s far more notorious than Lucifer ever was…and he has done far worse than what we know in the books. He must be eliminated if we want to prevent another war from happening,” Doyle cries out in desperation as he says those last words.

It definitely took a little bit of time for some convincing, but you decided to test out what he said was true. Grabbing hold of his arms as you pulled him up in one swift motion, you pushed him right in front of you with your blade situated right behind him.

“Lead the way to the chambers, then. And don’t try anything funny.” 

Doyle did precisely what you had proposed with his hands up as you both made your way into where Haknyeon and Balor were still going hard with one another. Instead of catching them still in battle with one another, both were now kneeling on the ground—breaking out in a cold sweat and trying to stabilise their breathing. Evidently, they had used up much of their strength, and it would be now or ever to end this duel.

“I must say- dear Haknyeon- you’re a lot stronger than I thought you were-” Balor panted as he used his spear to get back up on his feet. 

“I commend you for holding out for this long- nobody has ever lasted more than a minute when sparing with me-” Haknyeon challenged as he too slowly got back up and positioned himself carefully, trying hard not to lose his balance. 

However, both you and Doyle’s presence didn’t go unnoticed, and Balor wasted no time making use of his telekinesis power to move Doyle right in front of him with his blade piercing right into the side of his neck.

Both you and Haknyeon were shocked by what had happened and were about to make a move until you stopped what Balor had said next. “If you want to kill me, then you’ll have to kill this pathetic demon first.” 

You didn’t even need to hear Doyle’s cries as you could read the message from his mouth.

Please, save me.

Something in your gut just tells you that he would be a worthy comrade to save and potentially be of great help in the near future. You also wanted to trust the look in his eyes when you first confronted him before coming into the chambers. It looked sincere, and you knew he was here at the wrong time. 

Especially with everything you had been through with Haknyeon, not all devils and demons are just as bad as you’ve heard from the books. 

With that, you swiftly turned to look at Haknyeon before giving him a nod—signalling him to help distract Balor while you prepare for the final blow. Given that you still had the power of the four deities within you, you were going to focus all your energy at once and unleash them all with one final shot.

Thankfully, Haknyeon got the message and redirected his attention towards his enemy—charging straight into him while being careful not to harm Doyle in any way.

You only had one final shot and needed to be careful as you aimed at the demon from above. Balor notices your efforts and simply mocks you right there and then. 

“What can a useless, crippled deity like you do anything? You barely have any powers left within you after the battle back at the tribe!” 

You ignored his comments while he struggled with Haknyeon to focus and aimed at his weak spot. You desperately scanned through for an opening until you noticed a little reveal of his skin right at the top of the left ribcage, and it also had a scar that was about a century old. 

This was your only chance. Standing tall and firm with your sword at the ready, you took a deep breath and infused the entire blade with the combined powers of the five deities. Then, you leaped onto the platform, aiming directly for Balor’s weak spot.

However, you should’ve known this wouldn’t be as easy as you thought. What you thought was a scar was a seal—it kept him alive for so long as no contamination or abilities could ever harm him.

“Remember what I told you, young lady. You’ll never defeat me like this.”

Just then, Haknyeon scoffs as he forcefully pulls down Balor’s collar and positions his now sharp claws right onto the seal. “And this is when your overconfidence will kill you, just like Lucifer did.” 

The moment Haknyeon slashed the wound wide open, the seal immediately broke and the contamination from the air went straight into Balor’s body—causing him to scream as he pushed Doyle to the side before falling straight down to the ground. 

It was evident that the air was too much for his centuries-old body, absorbing far too much power than it could ever handle. Balor’s body immediately darkened and created a cracked appearance throughout, giving him little to no hope of recovering back to normal.

As you were distracted by everything, Haknyeon grabbed your hand, holding the katana while his other hand rested on your shoulders. You immediately divert your attention towards him as he reassures you with the look he has in his eyes.

“It’s our chance, Y/N. Let’s end this.” 

The second you nodded, you both dived straight towards the enemy and plunged the sword into the seal. The powers of the deities were far too strong for anyone to fight back against, and you both immediately backed off as far as you possibly could before he eventually exploded into ashes. 

With that, Haknyeon finally falls onto his knees as he lets go of the aura and powers he has been exerting throughout the battle, and you hold him in your arms. You both simply took the time to regulate your breathing before resting your forehead against his.

“It’s over…it’s all over now…you can rest… Haknyeon,” you sobbed as you ran your fingers through his jet-black hair, still glad it felt the same and just as soft as before. 

At that moment, Doyle approached you both and bowed his head in admission of defeat. Gently, you lifted his chin with one hand and rested the other on his head, channeling some of your remaining healing abilities into him. Instantly, his wounds began to heal, restoring him to his former self.

But that action only left him speechless. “Why are you helping me, Lake Deity? I’m clearly your enemy…”

Instead of you responding to the male, Haknyeon does it for you as he grabs onto his collar to pull him close and whisper into his ears.

“Don’t die on me now, lad. Because I’m going to be needing your help from now on.” 

The three of you then broke out into chuckles, and you stared at these two males before you before you looked straight up and closed your eyes shut.

“Thank you my fellow deities, you may all rest in peace now.”

“Oh my gosh! Did that really happened?” One of the boys shouted.

“Of course not! Who says the devils and humans can actually get along! It must all be a fairytale,” another child retorts back at the question with his arms crossed, shutting down any possibility of that ever happening. 

However, the children were simply cut off with a chuckle from the priest as she stood up with her kagura suzu in hand. “Now, I wouldn’t be so sure about that, my dear. After all, I am able to see anything that happens in this world and even below with my very own eyes. A priest never lies, doesn’t she?”

“Well then!” Another boy stands up as he walks closer to the priest. “How can we know that whatever you told us was true?”

Just then, a dove seemingly appeared from the skies, flying straight down to rest on the priest’s extended arms. The bird simply exchanged a few chirps as if it were talking to her before she let it go. 

“Perhaps you should head to the people of the waters to ask the Lake Deity herself, then.”

As the dove flies high in the skies, it spreads its wings wide and swiftly makes its way to where the tribe stands proud in the presence of their Lake Deity. This time, it seems that all four tribes are also gathered together as the crowd cheers with the few selected individuals on stage.

The moment you came up on stage dressed in a sky-blue kimono, the other four individuals already waiting for your arrival immediately bowed down to welcome your presence. As you cleared your throat to indicate that the crowd could lower their voices, you began your speech immediately. 

“To the people of the nation that I truly love, I am here today to bestow upon you your new deities! It will take a while for us to truly restore the peace in this nation, but fear not as your new deities will surely be here to guide you along the way.” 

As you finished your opening speech, you simply walked in front of each of the selected ones from each tribe, holding your hand out and resting it on their heads—transferring the last remnants of your fellow deities' powers into them to create a whole new generation of successors. 

Anala, the one who becomes one with the fire.

Cielo, the one who dances with the wind.

Orpheus, the one who controls space. 

And finally, Evanthe, the one who resonates with earth.

The moment you successfully transmitted all of the powers to everyone, the four individuals stood up as they bowed towards you, and you returned the same favour. “I look forward to working with all of you in this new generation.” 

The crowd immediately erupts in cheers as they finally get their deity after decades of pain and suffering. You could tell that everyone was eager to start rebuilding their tribe and make things right again. As you looked at these four new deities, you couldn’t help but smile as a single teardrop fell from one of your eyes. 

Mahuiaka, Zephyr, Astrophel, and Ilana. May your legacy continue on with these new young ones.

Once the ceremony has ended, your very own people from your tribe wasted no time to get the party rolling as a carnival was up and ready for each of the tribes to reconcile and get to know each other better, just like it used to many years ago. 

The elder was in charge of overlooking the entire event as he was busy trying to get all the servants to go around, ensuring nothing was amiss. Thankfully, your tribe were pretty much the outgoing ones, and you have managed to catch your eye on how many of them seemingly grabbed hold of different people from the other tribes to eat to their heart's content or even dragged them up on stage to dance. 

You simply sat on one of the rooftops as you savoured the moment, smiling as if they were your children who were playing and getting along well with everyone, as if you were a proud mom.

Your peace was short-lived as you were interrupted by a thump from your side, and you didn’t even have to turn around to look at who it was. 

“You’re late,” you commented.

“Not my fault that I’m now in charge of the underworld. A king’s got matters to deal with, just like you being a full-fledged deity now.” 

“So, what brings you here today? Since you said you were so busy dealing with your matters.”

Haknyeon simply scoffs. “What? Now I can’t even make time to come up and visit my own lover?” 

You scooched closer as you intertwined your fingers with him. You hated how your heart always melted upon those sweet, cheesy words he would say about you occasionally. “You could’ve come watch me at the ceremony, too.”

“God, you’re a demanding one.”

“And what if I am? I just want some love and attention after working so hard on my own,” you sulked before Haknyeon pulled you in for an embrace. “Okay fine, I gotta commend you on that. You truly have changed so much, Y/N. The nation will be saved once again all thanks to you.”

“Yeah, but not everything,” you sighed as you pushed Haknyeon away briefly. “I didn’t manage to help change your fate, after all.”

“Look,” Haknyeon pauses mid-sentence as he cups your face. “We’ve talked about this before. There’s no need for you to apologise for that. We defeated Balor; that’s what matters. Besides, the underworld is looking so much more different under my rule than it was centuries ago.”

“Well, I guess both humans and the devils being actual comrades is something that we have changed history about. And you know what, Haknyeon?” You looked at him with this smug look on your face. “I guess you do look so much hotter with jet-black hair. It pairs well with your leather jacket, too.”

“What? Are you just going to sweet-talk me and embarrass the shit out of me? If that’s the case, I’m leaving-”

“No~” you purred while clutching his arms tightly. “Don’t leave me just like that~”

“You’re being extremely clingy tonight, and I don’t know if I should be afraid of that or not.”

You simply smacked his arms to teach him a lesson. “It’s your fault that we can’t see each other often.Just let me enjoy this tonight, okay?” You rolled your eyes back at the male before leaning down to rest on his shoulders. 

Both of you stayed like this for a while until the fireworks started going off, filling the night sky with vibrant colours. It was also part of the saying where people tend to get sentimental when they see things like that, and that was exactly what Haknyeon decided to say to you as he tilts your chin to face him.

“Thank you, Y/N. For trusting in me since the day we’ve met and for showing me how being the devil himself isn’t all so bad, after all.” 

As much as you wanted to retaliate with another teasing comment, you decided not to break the wholesome moment you both had by going a different route instead. 

“Right back at you, Haknyeon. Thank you for giving me a purpose to live again.” 

The moment you finished your sentence, Haknyeon pulled you in for a kiss, and you pushed yourself forward to make sure you savored up the taste of his lips once again. It definitely felt different from where you both shared your first one back at Ilana’s tombstone, and you were glad that the kiss has much more of a deeper meaning this time. 

His fingers gently glide through your long, silky dark hair while his other thumb pushes your lips down so that he can gain more entry for the kiss—both of your tongues intertwine with one another until it becomes a battle of who’s able to hold on for long. 

When you two broke apart from the kiss, you simply rested your forehead against one another and stayed like this for a few seconds–enjoying the peace while the fireworks went off in the background.

“Please tell me you’re staying for the night,” you panted.

“Only if you want to,” Haknyeon responded. 

“And then we’ll go on a picnic date tomorrow morning?”

“That is if Doyle promises to bake the macarons in time. He says it’s some sort of ancient recipe his grandparents had passed down to him and you’re the lucky one who’s going to be taste tasting it for the first time in centuries.” 

You simply chuckled at that cute comment about Doyle. You loved how he has also become part of both of your lives now that he has been promoted to being Haknyeon’s right-hand man. 

“But what if I get a bad reaction from his macarons?” You teased.

“Then I’m tossing him into the flames, and he can perish for all I care.” 

You simply shook your head at your lover whenever he made sarcastic remarks like this whenever Doyle was mentioned. He knew you fancy him, and sometimes it gets a little too overboard (according to Haknyeon himself). Knowing that jealousy doesn't look good on Lucifer, you decided to devise something reassuring to keep him on track.

“I’ll also make you your favourite tangerine jello cake tomorrow if that counts.”

“Does Doyle get a piece or not?”

“Nope, just for you. But he’s getting a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies if that’s okay.”

Haknyeon simply smiled at your cute comment, and he was just so happy to be the luckiest man alive and have someone like you by his side. No matter the differences between you two, you are now part of one another, and you will change history by making both humans and devils be part of each other’s daily lives from now on.

Just like that, Haknyeon plants one more kiss on your lips before cuddling you in his arms as you two watch the last batch of fireworks together for the night.

“I look forward to our date tomorrow, then. I love you more than you could ever imagine, Y/N. And I will never let you go any more, and I hope you’re prepared for that.”

A/N: yall my laptop crashed so many times while writing this i really hope yall will love this work as much as i do 🥹💗

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[fletchingbrilliant]

🌙some wildly cheap commissions!🌙

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hey y'all. long post thingie but it's got cute pictures so please check it out

TRANSCRIPT OF POST

hey frens got something kinda somber to talk about. most of you are very aware of the existence of my beautiful fiance and co-creator of basically everything i do. zae and i are getting handfasted (marriage for pagans) in october, and have been living together for about 10 years. in 2021, zae got really fucking sick, and after a few false starts, was diagnosed with a rare for of vasculitis called granulomatosis with polyangiitis, GPA for short. it’s an autoimmune disease that causes inflammation in blood vessels and other tissues, ultimately stopping blood from getting to the parts of the body that need it, affecting many areas, but primarily the respiratory system. while the cause isn’t known, it usually presents in people in their 50’s or 60’s, but complications from a third bout of covid-19 appears to have made it emerge way earlier for our boy. at least, that’s what we think. his case is extremely aggressive, advancing faster than anyone could have expected. in zae’s case, it actually attacked his kidneys first, and then went after his lungs, causing both to threaten shutting down for good. he was extremely anemic and needed a ton of transfusions, narrowly avoiding dialysis, and we spent weeks in the hospital keeping him alive. he was placed on two different kinds of chemotherapy to combat the disorder. he lost his hair, went through even more fatigue and pain on top of what the disease had already put him through, and had to accept a plethora of changes to his life that will last forever. a lot of you out there have harrowing experiences of your own when it comes to chronic and potentially terminal conditions, too, I’m certain. “it’s not fun” is an understatement. though there were a couple of really fucking close calls, zae’s GPA went into remission. his hair grew back fuller and more luscious than it had ever been before. (i later learned these are affectionately referred to as “chemo curls.”) remission for gpa is usually expected to last at least 5 years, potentially up to 20, before any symptoms resurface. but zae’s case was particularly aggressive, so of course he’s not so lucky. he’s relapsing now. his symptoms have been slowly returning, and it’s been decided that he’s going back on chemo. it’s no surprise that this shit is expensive, even with insurance. we’re still paying off the care he received last time because ‘murca. being disabled myself, work has been… let’s call it inconsistent, yeah? yeah, that’s a nice and comfortable thing to call it. no one’s doing well financially these days, so we of course have to get creative. long story short(er), i’m doing a commission special! for the next MONTH, i am offering fast commissions at crazy-low prices to try and help us create a cushion to keep us afloat and relatively comfortable while we begin the chemo process again. there’s several options for a variety of budgets, because i really hate the idea of seeking something for nothing, and i absolutely abhor having to reach out in this way. it makes me feel vulnerable and icky and… i’m sure you all understand that, too. i can’t thank you all enough just for following me, and engaging with mine and zae’s work. it may sound trite, but that really makes a difference to us, especially when we’re dealing with something so painful. so if you can’t or don’t want to partake of the sale, please know that you are still a huge help to us, and we seriously appreciate each and every one of you. like, so fucking much. thanks y’all love, fletch

END TRANSCRIPT

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please DM me if you're interested in something, and thank you again

more Hungry Games, fic fanart, and Persona stuff coming soon too

[keepingitformyself]

we might just get away with it (i)

A/N: hey all!!! this is the first part of my first ever series, i’ve had this one in the drafts for a while and i’ll try my best to update it as much as i can. a-lot of this first part is just setting up readers life until their eventual meet with natasha (who goes by natalie rushman in this) this is an AU. HOPE YOU ENJOY!!!! i had a lot of fun writing this one.

ALSO: in honor of scarlett johansson opening an instagram account.

synopsis: hollywood is a tricky place for someone new like you, a certain elusive redhead is hoping for you to let her in.

pairings: writer!natasha romanoff x youngactress!reader

genre: fluff.

warnings: none.

part two found here. part ii

please do not repost my work anywhere for any reason at all. if you do see this happen to any of my stories, please let me know. thank you x.

—————————

you hadn’t been in the dating scene since you graduated college two years ago. it was a long time to go without going on a proper date with anyone, even your mother had called at one point to voice her concerns on why her only daughter hadn’t brought anyone back home to introduce.

truth be told, the mere idea of a relationship really stressed you out. especially now that you’ve been working tirelessly since the second you left college. the week after graduation your plane had already been booked four months in advance when you found out you landed the role for a lead in a film.

you left your hometown in texas and flew to la for a three month shoot. it was only in post-production for five months before the first teaser dropped and two months later the film finally hit hbo max to stream.

the success of it was enough to earn you an online following. people within the industry had reached out in hopes of getting to know you or even work with you. and now people knew your name enough for you to have been stopped a handful of times during grocery runs.

it was back to work in getting auditions and doing things that kept your artist mind flowing. it wasn’t too long before you landed a role for another lead in a netflix series.

the director of the series was a well known one. greta gerwig, it was her first time directing for tv as opposed to film, she told you she was truly impressed by your delivery in the film you’d been in months prior. you felt incredibly lucky to have even been thought of for her leading girl.

you told her you were a fan of the work she’d done. how you truly cherished her way of encapsulating the female experience through her writing and directing.

she smiled gratefully and said she hoped you’d be willing to accept the role she was practically offering to you, you knew she was just teasing. no one was stupid enough to let an opportunity like this pass. you said yes without hesitance.

it was a lot more intimidating this time around.

you were set to shoot for six months in london. a whole different country thousands of miles away from friends and family. you left home two months later.

greta was amazing, the sets were amazing, the cast was amazing, the crew you were especially grateful for. you made sure they knew that by ordering a free coffee and pastry truck to set every friday.

some of it comes as a blur to you. it’s easy to get lost in the craft when you love it so much, your mother told you once. you worked tirelessly often times worrying the ones around you but you promised you were fine. it was very easy for others to say how lovable and playful you were while still being able to maintain the professionalism that was needed on set.

it’s what they loved most about you. so it was no surprise to anyone when there started to be some conversations involving you, the star, and the series.

there had been mutterings between crew and even your own cast-mates.

you were in the city today, sat outside a corner coffee shop in mayfair. devyn, a cast mate of yours, and self proclaimed local, offered to show you around london.

‘i heard gary, one of our light technicians say that he heard the producers talk about how they’re expecting a huge rollout once they start announcing the series.’ devyn said as he sipped on his latte.

‘what do you mean?’ you took your eyes off the busy street to look at your cast mate.

‘you’re an absolute powerhouse in this series, you know that right?’ he told you seriously. ‘everyone sees it, there’s no doubt this show is gonna get big. they’re already expecting it to be.’

you cringed at his words, you were never good for taking compliments. ‘oh god, please stop.’ he smiled with a shake of his head, a look on his face that screamed, you’ll see.

turns out devyn was definitely not talking out of his ass.

greta had started to pull you out for meetings with the producers. they spoke to you about how netflix was willing to go all in for promoting.

greta told you herself, ‘although netlfix will definitely be a big help, i think just the show on its own is already set for a very promising release.’

they had you sign contracts and explained to you what would happen once filming was over. 1. you’re gonna go home and take a well needed three month break. 2. prepare yourself for what’s to come. 3. then you were to be called back in for promo shoots and teaser reels. 4. get ready for the big premiere.

‘it’s gonna be a lot, there’s no way of knowing the scale of success this will reach except that it will be huge, and a lot of that will be you.’ tony, one of the producers told you. greta along with everyone else in the meeting nodded to his words.

‘yeah, some stills from some of the finished scenes released a few weeks ago. it’s easy to say a lot of people seemed to make noise from that.’ rhys, another producer said.

your blood ran cold. although it was easy to say you were proud of how far you were able to come on such a short notice… it also sort of felt like a lot was being thrown at you all at once.

you maybe had an idea of what your life would be looking like afterwards. you remember seeing all sorts of opinions once it was found out by the world that you’d be the next lead for greta gerwig’s first ever series.

mostly everyone was excited. greta on her own was an insanely talented writer and director, people were happy to hear she’d be turning to tv and seeing what she’d come up with. you remember the week following the announcement feeling a little overwhelmed, all due to the men in cameras who had followed you around for a week.

‘rising actress Y/N Y/L/N seen leaving her west hollywood condo ahead of reports saying that she’s been casted for the lead in greta gerwig’s next directorial project.’

you’re thinking that maybe life will look like that but multiplied by a thousand, but you’re hoping not…? the success part will be great. why wouldn’t it be? it’s all you’ve ever wanted. to be a successful actress. but at the expense of having your life put on a pedestal? it was a very tricky thing to play at.

greta gave you a smile, almost teasing, like she knew the big secret that everyone else didn’t.

she leaned forward with her arms crossed on the table. ‘once this is over, it will never truly be over. are you ready for it?’

nothing could have ever prepared you enough for what would come with the release of the series. if you thought everyone knew your name before, they definitely do now.

the release of the series was just seven months after you finished filming it. it definitely had a huge rollout like everyone else said it would. you don’t remember much of the premier either. it was a bunch of flashes and getting asked questions. as soon as you got home you knocked out cold.

number one in seventy three countries was a lot. you wouldn’t even want to imagine the amount of people it took to watch you for that to happen.

but with the success of the series also came a huge amount of scrutiny on your personal life. within the week of its release you’d had an influx of followers on any social platform they could find you on.

apparently that still wasn’t enough. people were itching to know more about the new girl that had come out of nowhere and stolen their attention in just a week.

it was all very scary. it was all mostly positive, at least the things you’ve seen and been shown. your agent and team did a great job at keeping you away from all the bad. you still knew it was all there though. people loved you but people also really disliked you.

you’ve also come to learn that people chronically online are insane. especially if you give them something to hyper fixate on, you knew of the tweets and posts people had been making of you. it made you absolutely freak out how fast people were to find out every little thing there was to know about you in such a short time.

‘i want you to go home for the week. not home in LA, home as in with your mom.’ samantha, your agent, told you. samantha along with your publicist fred, had seen firsthand what was being said online. she’s been in the industry long enough to know how ugly it can get for the victims, you were young and she wanted to protect you from that as much as possible.

‘i called your mom, she’s already expecting you home by tomorrow morning. your plane leaves at midnight.’ you nodded gratefully. the tension in your shoulders had slouched a little after hearing that. you missed your mom and you were scared as shit right now.

samantha was there in the uber when you were dropped off. she bid you goodbye and told you she’d call you for details on the next flight back to LA. ‘rest as much as you can, the press tour is gonna hit real hard.’

now came the insanely difficult part. the week back home went too fast and now you’re on a plane back to LA where your agent and a stylist were awaiting your arrival.

as soon as you’re off the gate a beefy man in jeans and a polo helps to escort you towards your luggage and eventually the car. ‘ma’am, just a heads up. there’s paps.’ he tells you before quickly ushering you out the glass doors and into the suv.

you don’t remember much after that. just that as soon as you arrived to your condo you were quickly pushed into a room with a stylist and pushed into another car after that.

the week had gone fast for the amount you’ve been doing. you’d met up with your cast-mates for the first time in a while and you were happy for that. most days it was just going to interviews answering questions, promoting, playing question games, more questions, etc…

it was finally friday. but promo was far from over. ‘you’re flying out tomorrow morning to new york and then we’re off to europe for the week.’

tonight was the huge post-premier party for the series. it was expected that there’d be quite a few well known names attending tonight aside from the cast. although a part of you was dreading another night of questions and just overall socializing, you knew it was needed to network.

cameras flashed in your face and people shouted your name upon arrival, but people were quick to let you in. ‘there’s a lot of people who want to speak with you.’ samantha tells you. you nod and put on your best brave face for the night.

samantha lingers around you as you cycle through speaking with all kinds of people. producers, actors, writers and the like. the first two hours fly by and things have reached some sort of stasis by then.

you’re in the middle of a conversation with some cast mates when tony— who you recognize as one of your producers— walks up to you with a redhead in tow.

‘the woman of the hour!’ he raises his arms to hug you.

‘i have to introduce you to natalie! she’s an excellent writer!’ the redhead next to him who you now know as natalie lets out a dry laugh at the man’s words. he was very obviously drunk.

and you see now that she is very obviously attractive.

she takes a few steps towards you and sticks out her hand for you to shake.

‘i hear you’re the talk of the town. have not stopped reading about you online.’ the smirk she wears makes you appreciate her beauty even more.

it was true. you were everywhere— in the tabloids, the headlines…natasha indulged in every single piece of information about you that she came across.

she also might’ve convinced tony to somehow introduce you two when she found out he was working with you.

she was a fan since your last film, and as a working screenwriter for film and television, she caught a bit of inspiration from seeing you on her screen.

‘i’ve gotta say, i was really impressed by your performance in this show. greta is a long time friend, she did good in choosing you.’ natalie compliments.

‘oh, thank you! it was a pleasure to work with her…she’s great.’ you cringe at your words. you still aren’t any better at taking these compliments no matter how many you get.

natalie smiles at you in silent understanding. she’s picked up on the small awkwardness that underlies the conversation.

you let out a low huff and motion towards the bartender to get you a shot of tequila. natalie quirks an eyebrow at your order but doesn’t question it.

‘do you want a drink?’ you turn to natalie with a smile. not only is your social battery slowly starting to diminish but talking to someone like natalie will have you saying nonsense.

you figure you’ll need a drink if you’re gonna continue to speak with her.

‘a diet coke will do me right. i’m driving home tonight.’ she says, the bartender nods and fixes your drinks.

an hour later and the drinks are sure to have calmed you down. in fact they’ve done more than just calm you down.

natalie and you spend a long while talking about anything and everything. you bond over being major nerds when it comes to philosophy. she tells you about how she double majored in philosophy and english at nyu.

‘my love for english had always existed but after taking a philosophy course my freshman year, it’s like i needed to write about these things that were talked about. i needed people to see what i thought about.’ natalie explains to you.

you’ve come to enjoy natalie despite only have met her about an hour and a half ago.

you tell her about how you were a huge thespian in high school and entering college, how philosophy was an added bonus when you figured out they both go very well together.

you’re grasping her arm as you explain it to her.

‘i mean genuinely i would hear so much about aristotle in my ethics class and then he’d somehow be connected to creating the 6 elements of a play! how crazy is that?!’

natalie is trying hard to concentrate on your words. you’d think it’d be a lot easier for her given the fact that she hasn’t had a single drop of alcohol…but all she can pay attention to is your lips. how they’ve now plumped up slightly due to your drinking.

she’s completely smitten with you by now, and she’s just met you. you’re definitely not like what the internet makes you out to be. for the most part, it really is just the alcohol in you.

you continue to ramble on.

‘honestly, i think socrates is good guy— like he has some great ideas but it’s kinda annoying how he thinks his way is the only way and he makes it his entire personality— ugh hold on i need to go piss.’

you’re clearly too drunk to care about what words leave your mouth. natalie doesn’t seem to mind it— and quite frankly neither do you.

‘do you need help getting there?’ natalie is quick to ask. all in good intentions, of course.

‘uhhh, yeah.’ you’re quick to agree. you have a rule, always travel in pairs when alcohol is present.

your arm is hooked to natalie’s as she helps lead you to the restrooms. it’s here when you get a slight whiff of her. you cringe at how weird you think of it in your head.

but she smells awfully appealing. like suede, lemon and a fireplace. all combined.

‘you smell really nice,’ you say, too worried about your bladder to care.

you feel vibrations of a chuckle leave natalie, you smile when you see her smiling too.

you nearly run into a stall as soon as you’re in the seemingly empty bathroom, thank god, you think. pee anxiety is a real thing.

you feel a little more level headed after doing your business. natalie waits by the door staring as you dry your hands.

‘feel better?’ you hear her ask.

‘much,’ you smile, a drunk one, your mind a little hazy.

‘i had a fun time tonight, with you, i mean.’ you find yourself saying.

she quirks an eyebrow. you continue.

‘i’ve had a really stressful past few weeks, it was nice to just…drink and talk knowing my words wouldn’t be plastered on some magazine issue the next day.’ you finish. your body is still buzzing. the alcohol making your body slightly move in place. but nonetheless you feel oddly content.

natalie smiles. a really big one.

‘i’m glad i could help take the edge off,’ she says.

you chuckle, turn to the mirror and make sure your makeup is still in place. a ding from your phone makes itself known, indicating a message. you dig through your clutch bag to get it.

we’re leaving now, you have an early start. plane to nyc leaves at 7:35am.

the text message from samantha reads.

you huff.

‘sorry to cut this short, natalie. my presence is needed near the entrance. i have to be in new york tomorrow before noon.’ you smile apologetically

she smiles. a part of her wasn’t surprised at all. you’re you, and everyone wants to be around you. she was surprised she even had your attention for more than an hour.

she nods. ‘i get it, can i ask why though?’

‘interview with fallon, i think.’ is all you say before you step closer to the redhead and press a kiss to her cheek. you think nothing of it.

‘truly, it was lovely to meet you natalie.’ and she doesn’t have the chance to reply before you’re out the restroom door.

natalie realizes she never got your number.

two days later, she’s made it back to her home in new york. natalie decides to shake off the jet lag with late night televison and a glass of wine in hand.

ironically, jimmy fallon is on.

‘please welcome…!’ and she sees you appear before her.

she is so captivated, she doesn’t realize she’s finished the bottle of pinot grigio next to her.

stupid as it sounds, this is when natalie rushman decided she wanted to be a part of whatever world you were creating for yourself.

[broomsick]

Holy spaces & shrines in the modern norse path

Before we dive into the oh-so-diverse topic of holy spaces, let me first specify a few practical tips!

I’m very much aware that the definition of the term “holy” is deeply subjective and varies depending on one’s opinions. I’ll elaborate on a few of my thoughts on the topic further!

In no way are you bound by any rule regarding this aspect of paganism.

I will base my post off of my research, granted, but also on my personal experiences and practices!

Now, what makes a holy space sacred? Not necessarily "holy" per say, but simply sacred.

The very first factor to consider is, what is sacredness? Lots and lots of pagans engage mostly in solitary practice, so much is true. Which is why lots of us find ourselves gravitating towards spaces others may not necessarily find any sense of "sacredness" in. The corner of your room where you tend to pray the most? Sacred. Or the spot in your garden where you perform your harvest ritual every year! It’s the connection we feel to the space that makes it sacred in the first place. But a space being holy depends on whether or not we choose to anoint it in such a way.

When something is sacred to me, I tend to feel a sort of spiritual pull. A swelling of the heart, if you will, like the feeling I get when faced with a breathtaking landscape. The feeling of spiritual connection to a particular spot is the first intuition one needs to tune into when choosing a holy space. After all, staying in tune with one's intuition might be one of the most important aspect of any spiritual practice.

Within nordic practice, a holy space is often called vé, a sacred enclosure. Vé's are attested in numerous toponyms as well as ancient texts, such as Beowulf, or the Skáldskaparmál. Their omnipresence in Scandinavian toponyms might, when considered through a pagan lense, signify something quite interesting: the holiness of a space depends on the space itself, its location, rather than what's inside it— or rather, how grand and ornate it is. When building a holy space for oneself, one does not need lavish decoration, or an elaborate shrine with the gold foil and the statues.

However, there are a few steps one can follow in order to anoint a space as holy, if one wants to reconstruct a few practices from pre-Christian Scandinavia. Although I'll specify that as always, no rule is set in stone when it comes to neopaganism. The choice to abide by them or not is entirely up to the practitioner. And in any case, even as I was gathering these few ideas, it was clear that, as always, pre-Christian practices centered around holy spaces vastly differed depending on the place and the time. Regardless, I think it's fun to do some research on the topic in order to reconstruct on our own terms a holy space in the nordic tradition.

The first step? Having a good knowledge of your area. Both before and during the Viking Age, holy places were more often than not located outside. It can be a great help to know where to find the greenery in one's area. Is there a beach near home that the public has access to? How about a large park where you can spend some time alone without being bothered? Even your backyard does the trick! Anywhere you can see the sky and breathe the open air is already perfect. Now, the Germanic tribes would generally worship near an object of particular importance, such as a grove, a body of water, a clearing in the forest, a hill... Although this doesn't seem to be very present in historical attestations, and considering I'm devoted to Yngvi-Freyr, I'm an especially big fan of worshipping in plains, or fields!

I think it's important for me to note that if you are lucky enough to live near a body of water, you can choose to engage in one of the most popular forms of offering in nordic historical practice: throwing offerings out to sink into the water! This practice was especially widespread, evidence of it having been found as far as Britain and Iceland. Evidently, if one chooses to engage in such a practice, it's important to respect the ecosystems and stick with offerings that won't damage them (acorns, stones, flowers and the like). As for an outdoors shrine located in a forest, or near woodland, it would have been customary during pre-Christian times to center a holy space around a tall tree, perhaps representing the World Tree Yggdrasil.

Considering lots of neo-pagans prefer to keep their practice discreet, it goes without saying that the holy space of your choosing does not need to be especially big, nor especially decorated. It can be as small as it is humble! One of the spaces where I most like to worship is the little corner of the yard, tucked under a cedar tree, where I rebuild my hörgr every year, as soon as the snow melts for good. Nothing too flamboyant!

Now, the second step to building a little outdoors shrine for yourself is to choose a representation of the deity to adore. It's said that the human-like appearance of this representation mattered little to the Germanic tribes, whose representations of the Gods could be rather simple, and not especially ornate. For this reason, it would be perfectly logical to even choose an object associated with the deity in question to serve as the main representation placed in the sanctuary. If we're talking about Freyja, a falcon statuette, or feather could do the trick! As for Fenrir, any wolf imagery could work as well! In the case of Thórr, one could replicate the case of Donar's Oak and choose to center their shrine around a particular tree (the rowan are the oak would make the best choices, if one is to pick a tree sacred to Thórr). These are just examples, and the possibilities in this regard are limitless. This "main" representation can be used as the center of your sacred space, and given offerings during rituals or celebrations. In my case, I like greet this representation both when "entering" the sacred space and when leaving it, as a sign of respect!

If one so desires, it's possible to set up some kind of "delimitation" in order to mark the entrance of the sacred space, or its outline. I like to place either ribbons on nearby branches, or litter stones here and there to lie in a loose circle (we wouldn't want to block the rays of the sun from reaching the earth and keep the greenery from growing). In order to signal the entrance of shrines, the Germanic tribes would generally use heaps of dirt or pillars of stone, among other things.

Another intresting element one might include in their sacred space is the presence of fire! Whether this be a bonfire, incense, a simple candle or even just a handful of ash, there's lots of ways to include the "element" of fire into a modern day shrine. It's a means of warming up the space, so to speak: tending a fire in the shrine is akin to having a hearth in the home!

Ideas for common, historically attested offerings: Ethically-sourced animal bones, gold or golden jewelry, tools, representation of the Gods, beads and beaded jewelry, alcohol, food and meat…

Now, let's pull away from the history lesson and let's dive into modern, neo-pagan practice! I'd wager some of you are wondering, how exactly can one keep a whole shrine, but make their practice as low-key as possible?! After all, I know firsthand that solo practice is especially common among neo-pagans. So my answer to this question is, who said anything about keeping? One piece of advice I've already given to a few fellow pagans in the past is to create a little portable shrine all to yourself! Let me explain myself: you arrive at your chosen location, you put down a basket full of decoration and you put up a temporary space in which to worship for an hour or two. You take out a deity representation, a few candles (if they're allowed on site!), a handful of offerings and a cloth on which to place them. And when you're done with the ritual, you pack up your things and make sure you leave the site as clean as when you first found it. In other words, what I’m suggesting is the possibility of gathering a few designated worship items in order to make oneself a portable, personal little shrine! It might seem like a silly idea at first, but I’ve discovered it’s not only a fun habit, but it’s also greatly helpful on a tight schedule to have a quick and easy way to engage in outdoors practice.

As always, I wrote this post aiming to help fellow pagans find ways to balance historical practice and modern, solo practice! I hope these few ideas did the trick, and wish you all a good and plentiful spring season!

First picture

[jennaimmortal]

Hey OFMD friends! There’s a few little things (and one big thing) I’d like to try to clear up based on a number of discussions I’ve seen in various places.

1. Stede understands sex & sex references. When he responds with “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or something similar, that’s a posh people thing. They pretend they’ve never heard of sex whenever it’s brought up in public or with strangers. Just weird aristocrat things! But Stede knows. He’d definitely had plenty of (likely not very pleasant) sex with his wife, and he’d very likely had other sexual experiences as well. More importantly, though, he’s a voracious reader! The man likely had a whole stash of filthy, bawdy novels & books of poetry. There was PLENTY of it, even back then!

2. Ed & Stede’s inn is NOT on the same island as the Republic of Pirates. They’d never settle on an island currently occupied by British military. They sailed away from the Republic of Pirates & went to a totally different island.

3. Frenchie is the new Captain because he was already First Mate, so there was no reason for them to take a vote. Yes, the crew chose Olu in 1x9, but that was when they were mutinying against Izzy & there was no official First Mate in place. The crew don’t seem to have any qualms about Frenchie’s abilities (so far anyway!) It will be a lot of fun to explore that dynamic in S3.

4. Zheng’s very likely only going to be with The Revenge until she finds one of her remaining ships that weren’t in the Republic of Lirates harbor when Ricky attacked.

I’m hoping, though, that we, the audience, will get lucky enough to keep Zheng with them for a while before she does find one of her own ships. I definitely want to see some shenanigans with The Crew, Zheng, & Auntie, including at least one raid. Fingers crossed!

The one BIG thing:

There are MANY disabled characters on the show. Wee John has mobility issues & chronic pain. Lucius is an artist & scribe w an amputated finger & also has chronic back pain. Swede has scurvy. Jackie’s right hand is a prosthetic.

It’s extremely important to understand that all disabilities are relevant no matter how visible they are. There has been some very harmful discourse about disability representation surrounding Izzy’s death & it really needs to stop. A HUGE percentage of disabilities are invisible. Those of us (yep, myself included) with invisible disabilities have had to fight tooth & nail for basic recognition & acknowledgement, let alone benefits & proper medical treatment. We’re still fighting & it’s a major uphill battle!

Let’s not give more ammunition to those fighting against us by claiming that Izzy’s disability was the only important one.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk! 💞

[criticallyacclaimedstranger]

All Good Things [a Joel x f!reader fic]

Read on Ao3

Fandom: The Last of Us

Ship: Joel Miller x you/cishet female reader explicitly over 50.

Tags/warnings: This takes place after season 1 but nothing bad happens, everybody's fine, Ellie and Joel are cool. Teasing, Joel is a soft sub/switch, Joel and reader have aches and pains, vaginal dryness and erectile dysfunction mention, cunnilingus, unprotected PiV sex, creampie, Joel is a master of vaginal health.

Summary: You and Joel may be middle-aged and sex may be something of a challenge sometimes, but all good things come to the ones who wait.

Words: 4,768

My masterlist

”I hate that fuckin’ rooster.”

You agree with Joel’s throaty mutter as you blink your eyes open against the first light of day. It’s nice and warm underneath the covers, and Joel’s got his heavy, thick arm thrown over you, but just as you’re about to fall back to sleep, the obnoxious cock-a-doodle-doo from next door rouses you enough to fully open your eyes.

”It’s effective, though,” you yawn before stretching until several joints pop. Joel only grunts, sprawled out on his belly, face buried deep in the embrace of the pillow, arm around you. He’s not a morning person, and here in the safety of Jackson, he can afford the moments of laziness before taking on the day’s chores.

You turn towards him and press a quick kiss to his forehead before inching out of bed, Joel keeping his hand on you for as long as he can before you get up.

”Get back here,” he grumbles, but you just smile on your way to the bathroom for a quick shower. When you reemerge, Joel’s sitting up, feet planted on the floor, scratching his neck with one hand and his soft belly with the other.

”Leave any hot water for me?”

”Don’t I always?” You give him a playful little slap on his ass when he gets up and drags his feet past you to the bathroom. He glares at you, but you’re already on your way to the kitchen.

The smell of coffee lies strong when Joel comes out of the shower, a towel around his hips. He putters around the bedroom, picking up his clothes from yesterday, turning inside out and then back again, sniffing the armpits, discarding something to the laundry basket, deciding something else is okay to wear. You watch him quietly through the open door, thinking how very normal and domestic this is. How long it took you to reach this. How lucky you are to have Joel.

He arrived in Jackson with the girl barely a year after you. You had settled quickly, he took his time. He was difficult to approach, and he mostly spent time with Ellie and his brother. You worked a lot with Ellie, taking care of the sheep, and once she seemed to decided that you were trustworthy, she started to open up a little about what she and Joel had been through. At Maria and Tommy’s place, you had seen the little memorial to Maria’s kid, and Joel’s.

You didn’t have a plaque like that yourself, for which you were thankful. Had the outbreak not happened, who knows, maybe you would’ve had a family. As it was, you and your boyfriend got separated two days into the catastrophe, and you never saw him again. Since then, you had focused on survival. Sure, there had been comfort sex, a couple of times. It was never good, but it had provided escape, if only for a moment.

It was different with Joel. When you started hanging out with him, sex was the last thing on your mind. You had accepted that you’d probably go without for the rest of your life, and you were okay with that. You barely even masturbated: it took too long for you to get off, it wasn’t worth the loss of sleep. Then Joel came along, and you found that your interest in sex awoke again when he kissed you the first time.

Turns out, you were both old enough and damaged enough to find sex difficult. Joel’s knees are bad, your back is shot. Even without those problems, your first time sleeping with each other had been such an embarrassing experience that the only thing that kept you from never looking at each other again was exactly the thing that caused your complications: your age. You had been able to laugh about it, what little there is to laugh about vaginal dryness and erectile dysfunction, and then talk about it. Because lube and Viagra were luxuries of the past, you just had to make it work on your own. You may not enjoy sexual penetration as often as you’d like, but you had a good life together, you and Joel, better than you thought was possible, considering the circumstances.

Joel’s cute little ass disappears into a pair of boxers, and he pulls on a t-shirt. You feel something stir inside of you, and you put down your coffee mug, instead going straight to the bedroom to embrace Joel from behind. Hugging him tightly, you inhale the scent of clean man, and sawdust from his t-shirt.

”I love you,” you tell him quietly. Joel finds your hands on your chest, and take them into his own. His big, strong, capable hands that have hurt and killed countless people but are now callused from building futures for the community.

”I love you too, darlin’.” His voice is still raspy but there’s no mistaking the sincerety. When he turns around in your arms and faces you, you see a soft smile on his lips.

”Hi.”

”Hi,” you reply with a similar smile before leaning in and nipping at his lips. The taste of mint lingers on his lips: he brushed his teeth before breakfast, like he always does. You sometimes wonder about these small things: what in his early life made him take to this habit? To you, brushing your teeth before coffee makes no sense. Joel doesn’t seem to reflect on it, and you don’t bring it up, because it doesn’t really bother you.

His lips are soft, and they part willingly when your coffee-soaked tongue gently prods in-between them. You slowly move your hands over his back, then down to his ass, and his hands mirror the flow of yours. The kiss deepens, as does the tingling sensation in your core.

You break the kiss just as Joel lifts his hand to the back of our neck to bring you in closer. Stepping back, you throw him a teasing smile.

”Plenty more where that came from later tonight, cowboy,” you tell him, and Joel chuckles.

”Is it gonna be like that, huh?”

”You’re damn right it is.”

You return to the kitchen and finish your coffee. It’s time to go milk the goats.

///

You don’t see Joel again until lunch, which is taken in the communal dining hall. You and Ellie have been tending to the animals and arrive to eat together, finding Joel already inhaling the food on the plate in front of him. You set your tray down across the table from him, and Ellie takes the seat next to you. As you sit down, he throws you a warm smile.

”How’s your morning been?” you ask. He stuffs his mouth and nods, humming approvingly. You taste the soup, finding it heavenly, and tear a piece of the breadroll to dip into the bowl.

As you, Joel, and Ellie enjoy small talk, the tip of your boot touches Joel’s considerably larger footwear and moves up his ankle and calf. You haven’t played foosie since you were twenty or something, and doing it in boots isn’t maybe as arousing as slipping you bare foot between his thighs, but you do your best. When Joel realizes what you’re doing, he falls quiet and stares intently at you while chewing.

”Hey, are you even listening?” Ellie demands his attention, and without breaking eye contact with you, he nods.

”Sure.”

Ellie looks from him to you and shakes her head. ”Whatever, man.”

He gathers the rest of his soup broth on a piece of bread and pops it into his mouth, his eyes never leaving yours. A drop of brown broth gets stuck on his lower lip, and you lean over the table to wipe it away with you thumb. Your heart is beating fast, and when you sit back down and put your thumb in your mouth, you see his nostrils flare.

”Gross,” Ellie mutters, takes her tray with her now empty bowl, and gets up. ”Get a room, you two.”

”Sorry,” you shoot after her, your eyes not leaving Joel’s.

”No, you’re not.”

When you’ve finished up as well, and have left the dining-hall, Joel pulls you in behind the building. Pressing you gently against the fragrant timber wall, he covers your mouth with his.

”You make me weak at the knees, sweetheart,” he murmurs. You taste the same garlic on him that you know is on your breath.

”You mean weaker than they already are?” you smirk, and Joel punishes you for your jab at his bad knees with a little bite of your lower lip.

”Bad, bad girl...”

You giggle and wrap your arms around his neck, kissing him like a teenager, enjoying the rather tame excitement of making out in a place where you could be seen, but nobody would care. The community is loving enough not to give a damn if two consenting adults are kissing each other in the middle of the day.

When you finally part swollen lips, both panting and like jelly in each other’s arms, Joel leans his forehead to yours.

”You wet?”

”You know I am.”

He places a little kiss on the tip of your nose. ”Hold that thought ’til tonight.”

”What do you think I was doing?”

He chuckles, warm eyes soft as he looks at you.

”I gotta go back to work.”

”Yeah, me too,” you nod, and both of you start a slow, unwilling detangle from each other.

”Don’t work too hard,” you tell him before parting. ”You’ll need your strength tonight.”

///

A few hours later, you take a break from your own work, and take some coffee and snacks to the building site Joel is on, along with a few other men. You stand for a while and admire the confidence with which he, board by board, erects a home for someone else. When he takes a step back to inspect his work, you step forward. His critical gaze turns soft the second he sees you.

”Time for a break?” you suggest, holding up the basket. He wipes his palms on his thighs and turns his broad frame towards you.

”You’re really butterin’ me up today, aren’t you?”

”Tryin’ my best.”

You put one arm around his waist and give him a quick kiss.

”I missed you,” you murmur into his good ear as he slides his hands over your waist. ”Missed your hands, your mouth...”

”Baby...” he breathes, but then his head jerks up as his fellow builders show up.

”We interrupting something?” Charlie grins.

”Yes,” Joel deadpans, but you turn around to face the men unphazed.

”I brought coffee and cookies.”

”Much obliged, ma’am,” Sam nods, and you hand him the basket. Hand on Joel’s back, you steer him after the men. Knowing how hard he works every day, you’re keen on him taking a break. Soon, all of you are sitting on the porch steps, drinking coffee and eating butter cookies. The men are talking about this and that, and you have found a knot in Joel’s shoulder and are carefully working it open. He doesn’t say much, but you can see from the relaxed line of his jaw and smooth forehead that he’s enjoying himself. When the men are getting ready to go back to work, you lean into Joel and whisper:

”You like my hands on you, don’t you?”

He exhales audibly, eyes flickering to your face after a quick glance at the men. His eyes under the eternally knitted brows are smoldering, and they set off the pull in your core.

"You're gonna make me take a long break, sweetheart," he tells you in a low voice. "Take you home and bed ya."

"In the middle of the afternoon, Mr Miller?" you grin, and close your eyes when he leans closer to nuzzle your neck. His bristles scratch the sensitive skin, and you shudder.

"Like we had no responsibilities at all in the world..."

He doesn't take you home and bed you, of course, but goes back to work after a kiss and another look that just about consumes you. You return to your own chores with a damness in your panties.

///

"Are you two gonna be gross again?"

You laugh at Ellie's question as she stands by the table holding her tray. Joel, who is next to you, keeps his dignity.

"Most probably."

She takes the risk, though, and sits down with you. Tommy and Maria join you as well, Tommy carrying their one-year-old Samuel. You all enjoy dinner and the conversation, Joel's hand only sporadically rests high up on your thigh, hidden by the table. After you've eaten, you take a moment outside the dining hall, talking and laughing until Samuel grows fussy and needs to be put to bed. Maria and Tommy excuses themselves, Tommy asking his brother if he's up for a drink later on.

"Nah, long day," Joel shakes his head, as his hand slowly moves from your lower back to your ass. "Early night for me."

Tommy and Maria wish you all a good night before walking away, and Joel's hand finds the back pocket of your jeans, sliding in and cupping your ass. You smile at him and put your arm around him, cupping his flat ass with your hand inside his back pocket.

Ellie looks from you to Joel, and shakes her head.

"You're not 14 years old," she grimaces.

"Neither are you," Joel reminds her, "so act your age, and deal with it."

"You telling me to act my age?"

"Whatever." The discussion is over for Joel's part. "We're callin' it a night."

"Good. I'm going to see a movie, and I don't want you two kissing in front of me."

"Good night, Ellie," you smile at her, knowing that Ellie's just ragging on you out of love. When you turn around and start to walk home, she calls out a Good night, and you hear the affection in her voice.

"Messing with teenagers is fun," you giggle, and Joel pats your ass.

"They're easy to upset," he agrees, pulling you closer. "But I don't wanna talk about Ellie anymore."

As soon as you get home to your little house, he pushes you up against the door, chasing your lips.

"Been thinkin' about this all day..."

You'd reply something sassy, but he has your mouth covered with his, tongue plunging in greedily, and you put your hands on his cheeks and slide your fingers through his hair, tugging at it at the back of his neck. He crowds you with a gentle urgency against the door, kisses the breath out of you, his own hot breath disappearing into you. His facial hair scratches and burns the skin around your mouth before long, and you savour that burn.

His lips are swollen with kisses by the time they leave yours, and he cups your cheek and strokes his thumb over it as he looks into your eyes, like he's trying to remember the shape and color of them. You smile, making him smile as well, and then you put your hands on his shoulders and start to walk him backwards towards the bedroom.

You turn on the bedside lamp for soft light. Joel tries to unbutton your plaid, but you shake your head and catch his wrists in your hands.

"Let me, baby."

Exhaling deeply, Joel lets his arms hang down and watches you as you start to pop open the buttons of his denim shirt. When you lean in to caress it off his broad shoulders, you press your lips to his in a kiss that you let bleed onto his cheek when your lips continue their soft brushing along his jawline. You sneak your hands underneath his t-shirt, caress the soft swell of his stomach before running your fingers up his sides. Joel nods his head down so that you can take the shirt off, and as soon as his head is free from the garment, you press your lips to his again. It's more playful now, the way you fondle different parts of his naked upper body and pour your smiles into the kisses, and he smiles back and tries to cop a feel of you.

"You in a hurry there, cowboy?" you tease him between the kisses, and Joel hisses softly when you pinch his nipple.

"Just want you so badly."

"I know, I want you too..."

You unbuckle his belt and push down his jeans and underwear, ghosting your hand over his still soft cock. He doesn't want too much attention to it, that only stresses him if he can't get it up, so you go back to kissing him while squeezing his ass.

"I should be doin' that t'you," he grunts between kisses.

"But now I'm doin' it to you..."

He ends up sitting on the bed, and you untie his shoelaces and take his boots off, then pull his pants off. You then push him down on the bed, take a step back, and start to slowly unbutton your shirt.

Joel sighs deeply.

"Is that how it's gonna be?"

"It is," you acknowledge with a smile. It's not going to be a sexy You can leave your hat on striptease, you're too old and jaded for that, but you're going to get undressed in your own time, and Joel can only watch.

And he does watch. He watches your every single move, mouth open and eyes slightly glassy. Each revealed inch of skin is noted, and by the time you're taking your panties off, you can see that he's getting hard. He doesn't like too much attention on his cock before he's fully hard, it stresses him, so you keep eye contact, and crawl into bed. You straddle his hips, settling your warm, dripping core over him.

Joel groans and his hands come to a rest on your thighs.

"Darlin'..."

You put your hands over his and make him squeeze your flesh.

"You wanna touch me?"

"Want nothin' else."

"You can, but I get to choose where."

You have to smile at his frown. Joel doesn't appreciate not being in control. His love for you and trust in your capability to make him feel good makes him accept your terms, though.

You guide his hands up your sides and under your breasts. Having passed the age of 50, you're secretly thankful you didn't have to age in a world of glossy magazines telling you the various ways in which your body is wrong. You don't have to compare yourself to lingerie models or the neighbor's young hot wife, who has a better job and tighter tits than you. You are alive, you are doing your part in Jackson, you are valued, and you are loved. Sagging tits and excess fat mean nothing, especially to Joel.

You let him cover your tits for a second before moving his hands to your hips, and his subsequent whine of frustration almost makes you feel sorry for him. You lead his hands back to your chest and let him fill his hands with your tits as you bend down to kiss him. A muscle in your back twinges, making you hiss.

"Babe?" Joel is immediately concerned.

"My back," you hurry to reassure him, "it's fine, I'm good."

"We could switch," he offers, "before you hips start to act up too."

You're already feeling a strain in your hips from sitting astride him. Getting older sucks.

"And what would you do to me if I agreed?" you smile sweetly, feeling his dick twitch underneath you.

"Treat you right," he replies a little inelegantly. Joel's not good at the talking bit, but he tries.

"Yeah?" you prompt him softly, touching your lips to his. "How?"

"I'd eat that pretty pussy of yours..."

You clench around emptiness. "Yeah...?"

He kisses you softly as he bends one knee, lifts his hip, and very gently slides you off of him. You rearrange yourselves, intertwining arms and legs as he rolls onto his side, facing you, and your lips meet again. You can feel your pulse in your core by now, a long day of anticipation finally catching up with you.

"Will you let me?" Joel now breathes against your lips, and you hum your approval. He immediately gets up on one elbow and starts to kiss his way down your body, pausing around your breasts to gently fondle and bite.

"Pretty," he murmurs, mouth full of soft flesh, sending heated tingles through your body and making your pussy clench. You thread your fingers through his hair until he takes your hand and holds it down on the bed. When he finally has had enough and moves down to the apex of your thighs, his breath on your folds alone makes you chew your lower lip.

"God, Joel..."

"Like it when you sound like that," he lets you know, his arm sliding around your thigh. "Now, just lay back and take what I have to give you, darlin'..."

The first lick melts you immediately, the second stokes the fire within. When you're fisting your hands into the sheet underneath you and moaning his name, he slides two fingers inside your dripping pussy. Your hips twitch at the intrusion, and he soothes you with broad, slow laps of his tongue at your clit, his fingers crooking to touch you just right.

"Joel..." you keen, "yes, there, please..."

He massages that spongy spot inside you, slowly and steadily, knowing that he can't rush this if he wants you to orgasm. It's difficult for you, maybe from the many years of living in fear, maybe from the same amount of years of no sex, sex drive, or romance. When you and Joel started exploring sex together, you were astonished by how horny you could be for another person while simultaneously finding the mechanics of sex so difficult. It surely hadn't been this complicated twenty years ago.

But both you and Joel were adamant to make it work, and that's what he's doing now. Your mouth is dry from panting, your thigh muscles are tensing up, your mind is going blank as you let his ministrations take you higher and higher. Painfully near the final soar, your hands clamber for Joel's at your hips, finding them and holding on tightly as you let go, your legs stiff as a board as your hips jut up, your thighs pushing shut, Joel's scruff suddenly too much on your sensitive skin. Your blood rushes and you let out a long, moaned sigh as your legs tremble before relaxation floods your muscles. Joel places one final, soft kiss on your clit before dragging his lips over your thighs, up your hip and over your stomach where his tongue dips into your navel. You hum, almost purr from his care, and when your eyes blink open, you find him smiling up at you.

"Beautiful," he murmurs. You release one hand from his and pass your fingers through his hair, then cup his cheek. He turns his face a little so that he can kiss the palm of your hand.

"Perfect," he whispers against your skin before your hand sneaks behind his head, and you pull gently to beckon him up, to you, to your lips.

His lips are covered in your slick and you lick at them, suck his full lower lip into your mouth, let your hands get lost roaming his broad shoulders. His cock is heavy and stiff against you, and you feel a surge of yearning within your core. The day of teasing, the foreplay, his service to you worked as it should: he's fully erect, stiff as a board, and it's so sexy that you think you're going to go crazy just from thinking about it.

"I need you," you whimper, pulling him down over you as you spread your legs to accomodate him. "Joel, I need you inside me."

"Can you take me?" he asks hoarsely, fingers running down your body to your weeping sex.

"Won't know for sure unless we try," you manage to quip, and he grins at you before pressing his lips against yours again. Kissing you deeply, he nocks his cock at your slick lips, rubs the head against your clit, then starts to push it in. The kiss is filled with moans, yours and his mingling with tongues, and despite your wetness, he's a lot to take. Still, you encourage him to fill you completely, your arms around him hugging him in, in, all the way in until he bottoms out, and stills. He breaks the kiss and draws back to gaze into your eyes. You smile, blissfully full.

"I'm okay, baby, I'm okay, you feel so good," you reassure him, words coming out breathlessly. Joel groans, head dropping to your shoulder.

"Darlin', you're killing me..."

He starts to slowly move his thick cock inside your embrace, lips open against your shoulder, teeth scraping without biting. You answer by wrapping your legs around him, left hip protesting a little but you don't care, you need him deep inside, need to feel that tight drag, need him to understand just how good it feels when he loves you like this.

"Harder," you beg, "take me harder, Joel, I want to feel all of your big cock."

He moans at that, his hot breath burning your skin.

"Can you take it?"

"I can take it."

He thrusts hard into you then, making you catch your lower lip between your teeth, your chin rising and one arm coming loose from him to brace yourself on the headboard.

"That hard, huh?" he smirks with his lips against your ear, and you chuckle breathlessly until he starts to fuck the smile off your face. Shifting his weight, he reaches for your hand braced against the headboard, and you let go to instead clasp his hand as he continues to steadily chase his release with one deep thrust after another.

"So good, darlin'," he gasps, "you're so good to me, fuck, I wanted to do this to you all day, wanted to bury myself in your warm pussy..."

You're all his when he talks to you like this. Joel finds the words when he's drunk on you, not before. Grinding into you with purpose, he keeps moaning out filth like this into your ear until his breathing becomes too laborous and his movements too  irregular.

"Come," you beckon him as he crashes his mouth to yours to swallow your words, "come, baby, come, I want you to come."

His moan when he empties himself deep inside of you is a helpless sound of surrender. You wrap your arms around him and hold him tight, forcing him to lay all of his weight on you. His quick heartbeats echo against your own ribcage, but slow down as his breaths become deeper and more controlled. You stroke his hair, thinking briefly how extraordinarily lucky you are. Pressing a kiss to his forehead, you rouse him from his rest.

"Go piss," he murmurs, and you have to laugh softly.

"Is that the first thing you tell me after sex?" you tease him. His lips quirk before he presses them to your cheek.

"I love you. Now go piss."

"You're on top of me, Miller."

"Hasn't stopped you from knocking me on my ass before..."

He does, however, roll over, freeing you up to find your bearings and get out of bed. After having used the bathroom, you return to bed where Joel is waiting for you underneath the covers. You turn off the bedside lamp and join him, letting him gather you into his arms and sighing deeply once the two of you are settled.

"Okay?" he asks quietly.

"M-hmm," you yawn, nuzzling his neck. "Sleepy."

"Me too."

Silence descends along with the darkness, and you're almost asleep when Joel speaks again.

"Hey?"

You murmur to let him know you're listening - just barely.

"I'm still standing."

You murmur again, not understanding. Joel takes your hand and leads it to his crotch, closing your fingers around his thick, sticky shaft. That makes you open your eyes.

"Oh..."

"You did that," he groans when you start to rub him slowly.

"I don't think so."

"Yeah, you did. All that waiting all day..." He moans when you drag your thumb over the head. "Baby, can you...?"

You smile at the wonder and anticipation in his voice. Twice in one night has happened before, but never this soon, never like this. You grow wet and heavy in an instant. To hell with sleep deprivation and sore joints.

"I can."

[boyfhee]

› HOW TO GET BACK WITH YOUR EX : five do's and don'ts

SYNOPSIS · You were all in for a new start; a new city, new apartment, new department and new colleagues— though, not under the best circumstances— you tried to make it through your early thirties while lost between whether to give up or go on, and then you meet Heeseung, who happens to be on the other end of the same street.

WC · 26.2K ( guys pls give this a chance )

GENRE · melodrama, angst, slice of life, romance, exes to ?

WARNINGS · lots of drinking, marriage talks, mentions of failed relationship and breakups; implications of sexual activity, very existential, mentions of suicidal thoughts, blood, lot's of tense changes ( since this transits between past and present a lot ) please read at your own discretion.

NOTE · i know i'm on hiatus but this was almost done and i had a sudden burst of motivation so here we are. my longest fic till date, i'm so proud of how this turned out. experimented a little with my writing style here, overall a fun experience. i hope you all enjoy this as much as i did, happy reading. ps the quote below is actually by john mark green, but let's assume it's written by hee for the sake of this fic. okay, good bye again, see you guys soon :›

playlist : tune in for better experience hehe

“ And if love may be madness, may I never find sanity again, ”

— Lee Heeseung, Red Wine

I.  Regret and Remorse

You don’t think you’ll ever become someone who’d look forward to the working experience that comes with job transfer. In fact, you don’t think you’d ever become someone who’d grow a liking to job transfer in the first place. 

Autumn of 2022 was supposed to be filled with vacation plans and a self-sobriety program in one of the many remote towns of Gangwon, away from the internet and daily complaints of your employer and family members. To put it simply— you’re tired of the life you’ve been living so far. Looking back, when you were a fresh graduate from one of the best universities of Incheon, life seemed to offer more opportunities than it does now. Your goals weren't any different from other people in the same age group as you, which majorly consisted of getting a job that pays well, maintaining financial security, getting into a good relationship, and perhaps visiting a few places on your travel list that you made in your first year of university. The idea of ‘ideal workplace’ leaves your mind the moment you step into the industry. Over time, you’ve realised that there’s no such thing as a job that fits to your liking and pays well, along with a hundred other benefits ranging from covering medical expenses to providing paid leaves. While that may apply to some, most of the crowd isn’t lucky enough to experience the luxuries of their dream job or workplace. Unfortunately, you happen to be just another person of that kind. 

You wake up, it’s the same old Monday morning— and no matter what day it is, it always feels like a Monday morning. You look through your same seven sets of office attires in your closet and pick one for the day; you go to the kitchen and find the same dish you had last night. You heat it up and eat the same for breakfast. Albeit, you find yourself at a cafe downstreet if you’re hoping for a change of scenery. You go to work, review the same old files, look at your same old colleagues and the same old boss who makes your blood boil. You aren’t the most sociable person and prefer to have lunch at the canteen, and coincidently, it’s the same old menu from four days ago. The day proceeds in the same old direction and you arrive at your apartment by six in the evening if your team leader doesn’t make you work overtime. You make dinner, sleep on the same old bed in the same old room with the same old feeling of dissatisfaction stuffing your stomach, and the same old cycle continues. 

Intellectually, there has been no progress— you've read scarcely half a dozen books, haven't made one new, exciting friend, haven't had a starling or unusual thought. Economically, things are no better— same old bills to pay, same old pay that hasn't been increased over years now. You get your paycheck and half of it goes into buying necessities. It's the same old job, same old routine of nine-to-five workdays, the cheese and ham salad for lunch, same dreary ride home. No change, nothing but routine, sameness, monotony— it's as if you're vegetating.

If you could go back in time and meet yourself when you were still a college freshman with high hopes and even higher aspirations, you would tell yourself to stop. Now that you’ve seen how the world works and have experienced the stagnancy of life, you wouldn’t want your young and carefree self to go through the pain of disappointment after encountering it yourself. You would instead tell yourself to switch fields since finance doesn’t seem to have a lot to offer. Instead, you would push your past self to go for liberal arts when you suddenly wanted to switch majors in the second year. Perhaps, in that case, your life would’ve been a tad bit better. 

Well, better than what it is now, at least, because currently, you’re sitting in the living room of your new apartment with a beer can in hand and tons of unpacked boxes around you. You’ve been thinking of unpacking for over an hour now, but every time your eyes land upon another beer, you’re back on the floor, chugging the drink down and regretting your life choices. Things would’ve been better if you had turned in your resignation instead of waiting till the last week of July for your pay; because now it’s August, and you’re in a new city with a new apartment, and the only thing you remember is the way to the nearest seven-eleven store from your apartment. You don’t want to think of this negatively, really, since you’ve been asking for a change, after all; and nothing is better than starting anew in a completely new location. However, you don’t want to work in the sales department when all you’ve ever worked about is finance. You don’t want to go through the pain of getting lost in the streets and chased by some dog, for you’re hitting thirty and you feel your bones cracking. You wanted a new start, however not in this field. A new start, for you, meant going on a vacation, detoxifying your mind off all the stress and tension, picking up a hobby, focusing on self-care— just anything that would help you change your views about life.   

Your silent remorseful session is interrupted by a knock on the door, and you’re certain you heard a doorbell, however you’re not sure if it’s the alcohol playing with your mind or whether someone is actually waiting at your doorstep. Forcing yourself to stand up, you stumble towards the door, the sudden decrease in blood pressure leaves a hint of dizziness as you step forward. Since you’ve just moved in, expecting anyone besides mails and landlord is pointless. While you remember having a friend living in the same city, you never told her your address so it’s unlikely for her to visit you either. You stand before the door, fixing your hair before moving down to the creases on your shirt as you unlock the door with a forced smile; and the time ceases to exist. 

“Hi,” Heeseung mumbles. 

You step aside to let him in, involuntarily— “Hi,” you breathe out before stressing your mind to come up with a reason for letting him inside. Could it be that you’re so lonely that now, you’re treating your ex as just someone you’ve been expecting to see? Maybe not, maybe it’s because you just moved in and despite the notes that you both ended on, it would be disrespectful to shut the door on someone who came with seemingly all good intentions. 

His steps are laced with hesitation. There’s a Château Margaux in his hands as you notice his fingers nervously tighten around the bottle before he turns around, albeit you avoid his gaze actively. “I heard someone moved in so I came to meet,” A pause, and then: “Didn’t know it was you.” 

He puts emphasis on the word as if it’s a bad thing. As if you’re an outsider trying to invade his peaceful life yet again, only to cause mayhem. However, the question is, had you known that Heeseung lives here, would you have moved in? Or, would you continue to live knowing Heeseung is your neighbour and that you would possibly see him for the rest of your life? You don’t know the answer to that one— not sure if you even want to find one, in fact. The last thing you need is to worry about bumping into an ex. You gesture at him to take a seat and to your surprise, he sits on the floor, exactly where you were having your drinking session before he came along. You grab the wine glasses from the kitchen before making your way back to the living room and sitting opposite to him. There’s a heavy tension in the air, one that is suffocating both of you, though you’re sure a major part of it is arising from you. After all, you let him inside as if he was an old friend, one that you were hoping to see, as if he isn’t your ex. 

Heeseung and you got together in your second year of university. You met him through a mutual friend on their birthday when they invited a few people from another department. You didn’t plan to go initially, you had presentations to make, but something inside of you prompted you to give in and had it not been for that day, you would’ve never come across Lee Heeseung in your life. The first time you met him at the bar, Heeseung seemed to be a heavy drinker— droopy eyes, messed up hair, a few things written on the palm of his hands— he didn’t even come across as someone who paid attention during lessons. However, much to your surprise, he excused himself early, sitting outside with a can of cold coffee he got from the vending machine in his hand while reading what seemed like economics notes compiled in pdf format. Perhaps, Heeseung knew he came off as a showoff when you found him chugging down his drink in an attempt to erase whatever effect alcohol could have on him. 

You sat next to him and all of a sudden, he started explaining how he doesn’t usually dip in the middle of gatherings with friends and step out to study. He simply happens to have a test the next day and his friends dragged him along. Simultaneously, you learnt that it was his first time drinking despite and he swore not to drink anything that wasn’t caffeine. It was nice, really; while Heeseung was busy worrying that you might dislike him for being such a show off, you were enjoying your time with him because in the end, you weren’t a big fan of drinking with your friends either. The two of you talked about wasted matters, complained about subjects and teachers, shared social media handles. It was fantastical, almost unreal, because you don’t remember the last time you clicked with someone so quickly. You didn’t have impressive social skills to initiate conversations, which consequently resulted in you being left out most of the time. It didn’t really matter since relationships and all were secondary at that time, for you had a set goal to work towards. You had always believed that people can make friends and fall in love anytime. However, life gives you just once chance to achieve your dreams. Disconnecting from the public didn't have any effect since you got your work done. While your friends wasted their nights at clubs, you spent it studying and completing assignments. You never felt the lack of friends and interactions eating you slowly. The loneliness didn’t hit you until you graduated with hands full of bills to pay and responsibilities to handle. 

After that night, you started seeing Heeseung more than usual. Despite being in different majors and completely different schedules, you saw him at the campus more often than you used to. It was as if he was always there, waiting for you to find him. Despite changing Twitter and Instagram handles, the two of you barely talked. There was no communication except interacting with each others’ posts, leaving a comment every now and then, tagging each other in stories. You would mutter a soft hello every time you’d bump into him and if fate allowed, you’d have a small conversation. There was no progress in your relationship until a few months after your first meeting, at one of the fests hosted by the Art Department. You had no one to visit with and Heeseung wasn’t interested until you came across him in the library, taking down notes of the lectures he had missed. He asked if you wanted to visit the fest, much to your surprise, and that was the first time you had hung out with Heeseung after knowing him for five months. 

“You seem excited for work,” It’s a question that leaves you confused until your eyes land upon the stacks of files and documents lying stray on the kitchen counter. The next thing you notice is that Heeseung’s voice has gotten a lot deeper, possessing all the necessary qualities of a voice a hiring manager would want to hear in interviews. 

“Do I?” You offer a rhetorical response, not knowing exactly what to say. For a brief second, you considered pouring yourself more drink and going off about your lethargic and unfruitful lifestyle. A chuckle falls off your lips as you stir the wine in its glass, feeling the weight shift from left to right before chugging the remaining liquid down. “I hate my job,”

You pour yourself another glass. Heeseung’s fingers flinch watching your hands reach for the bottle but he didn’t dare interrupt your actions. Another second passes in silence, another sip of wine hits your system. You feel fatigue fill your sinuses as you fight off sleep for another hit— another line of thoughts.  

You can go on for days, complaining about your job, despite knowing that looking down on your work and throwing shade on your boss isn’t going to get you anywhere in life. But at the end of the day, you have nothing else to talk about either. While your colleagues spent weekends drinking, going on dates, and watching movies, you worked your ass off to finish off a project and get a promotion; because promotions come with an increase in pay, and the thing you need the most at the moment is money. Even in school and universities, you used to spend your days and nights studying hard because in the end, the employers from big companies always look for candidates from the top universities, students who graduated with high honours and those who have a lot to offer to the market. Graduating from one of the best universities in Korea in your department should’ve helped you get a high paying job with several benefits. You didn’t lack knowledge, nor did you lack the brains to tackle the problems in finance. You graduated on top of your class so your educational qualifications weren’t below the bar either. If it comes down to experience, one can not expect a fresh graduate to have work experience. In the end, you’re left with the lack of information once again, not knowing why your life turned out this way when every step you took ensured success. 

“Then, why don’t you try doing something that you like?” Heeseung suggests, twirling the glass in his hand, unknowingly mirroring your actions. While he thinks he’s doing a good job at keeping the conversation going, Heeseung knows his advice isn’t worth a penny. Imagine telling a full-time employee to quit their job and do what they like! He thinks to himself, almost ready to take his words back, because he can’t even imagine himself doing the same thing for the sake of a better life. 

“You can’t depend on your likes and dislikes to make a living,” You chuckle yet again, voice laced with bitterness. Failure and disappointment were something you never had tasted until now. You remember the dissatisfaction you felt when your mother gave you sliced apples when you told her you were hungry. You refused to eat, but your mother said that when you’re starving, you don’t look for food that suits your taste. You just eat whatever you get; and thinking about it now, you think it applies to practical life as well. Survival in this world isn’t possible if you depend upon your preferences. Humans have the ability to adapt to various situations, and the key to adaptation is working under different circumstances, often that don’t suit your preferences. That is how you secure your position in the world. If things revolved around one’s likes and dislikes, you sure would’ve been a billionaire for you love to stay on your couch all day and dislike capsicums. 

“What about you?” You counter with the same question. “You look even more tired than how you were in university.” Now, your attention is on his dark circles and weary eyes. The Heeseung you remember from university was phenomenal, having an urge to do anything and everything. His eyes searched for opportunities, hands aching to work on something new. His never ending passion and a desire to know more made him an ideal figure for the juniors as well as someone who the seniors used to envy. However, the eyes of the Heeseung sitting in front of you are telling a whole nother story. They’re talking about the good times while his hands look tired from having a lot on his plate with no time for himself. 

“Work load,” Heeseung sighs, eyes fixed on his drink as he continues to twirl it around. Your gaze shifts to the corner of his lips, watching them curl into a faint smile. “Do you remember how we used to spent weekends hunting for part time—”

And then a pause. Your eyes avert to his’, meeting him in the line of contact; they resonate with just two emotions— regret and respect. You fail to decipher the meaning behind his gaze, you lost the ability to do so years ago. He presses his lips into a thin line, pressing his fingers against the glass in an attempt to suppress his emotions before looking away from you. The comforting silence suddenly weighs upon your shoulders with its hands around your neck, suffocating you to the point of breathlessness; and then you ask yourself— what am I doing? The clock strikes seven and it didn’t hit you how quickly the time flowed until everything dawned upon you. Once again, you’re left questioning your whats and whys about life, for after all, you didn’t expect to spend your evening drinking with your ex. You notice splatters of rain against your window pane as they blur the golden glow of the city scape behind. The rain falls louder, the room fills with the sound of clouds rumbling, you take another sip of wine— it takes you back to your days with Heeseung. 

You don’t know if it’s alcohol blurring your paths down the memory lane, but a part of job hunting with Heeseung also included applying for the same part-jobs and competing so see who gets hired. Although, both of you ended up receiving a polite rejection most of the time, it didn’t affect your relationship. Actually, you don’t think anything regarding job interviews or grades affected your relationship with him. It was a good, healthy race, one that allowed both of you to grow as individuals, for yourselves and for each other. There were days when you came home with the news about getting hired, only to know how his application was rejected or he was fired, and vice-versa. You both took your turns comforting each other— it didn’t feel like your life was any different from his. In fact, every second with Heeseung felt as if you both were living the same life. Watching him go through the exact same thing you went through a few weeks ago, or finding yourself in the same situation you found him merely a few nights ago; it was like watching just another version of yourself.  

Seconds catapult before you. Heeseung gets up and makes his way towards the door. No words are shared, the world is spinning too quickly, it gets harder and harder for you to retrace your steps to figure out how you ended up here. His name falls off your lips— it’s not louder than a soft whisper. You don’t know why you stopped him in his tracks. Is it intentional? Is it involuntary? Or is it because you were hoping for something else? You would never know, at least not now. Months expanded into years and the time when you dated Heeseung still feels like yesterday. It’s as if you woke up— there is his face next to you, the sunlight offering a soft golden glow to his eyes as they light up your whole words. His lips meet yours, a smile emerges under the tender kiss, Heeseung tells you he loves you and you couldn’t be happier. The day rolls by, your steps follow him everywhere he goes, breaths mingling into each other in secluded corners of streets, hidden from the world because it’s a love to be harboured in secrecy. Your hands intertwine with his. It’s two souls living as one, two hearts beating in synchrony. The night rolls by and you’re back in his arms, a little closer to heart, deeper into his mind. The moon sighs in admiration, night slips through his feather light touches as he traces every inch of your skin with love. The sun comes up— and suddenly you’re exes. You never had enough time to process his departure from your life, just the way you failed to process his impromptu arrival this evening. Heeseung is in front of you like the way he used to be. However, just like the first time, the universe agreed but the stars never aligned, and Heeseung is leaving once again as you fail to hold onto him one more time.

“Why don’t you resign if you don’t like your job?” Heeseung stops by his door, and you realise the words that leave his mouth are the same ones that people throw at you whenever they hear you complain about your work life.

“I was about to, but was transferred here. Thought I should give it a try before quitting.” While that doesn’t sound like the most convincing reason, it sure is a plausible one. You had been looking for a change— any change— and throwing away the chance to have one while it had been in your hand would be a bad decision, no matter how unfavourable it sounds at the moment.   

“Doesn’t that sound familiar? When I confessed, you said you weren’t sure about your feelings but would give it a try,” There’s a faint smile on his face, albeit you aren’t able to perceive the meaning behind his words. “I’m sure it’ll turn out better,” 

You take a step towards the door before shutting it completely. You don’t know why he said that, nor do you think you’ll ever get the chance to ask him. Perhaps you wouldn’t ask him willingly in the first place. You turn around, leaning against the door as a sigh escapes your lips. Heeseung has his own life, and so, his own views on different things. If he resents you, you’re in no position to try and change that for him. You don’t think you’re in a position to interfere with his life when you decided to walk out of it in the first place.

If regret was his part to play, then remorse was yours. 

II. Don’t be a ‘know it all’ 

Drinking with Heeseung feels like yesterday, when in fact, you haven’t seen him in four days. 

Life is busy, and it’s even busier for someone like Heeseung who works as a chartered accountant if your memories from last evening aren’t defying you. You can’t imagine yourself in that position, not like you want to in the first place. Excel sheets and tons of documents about taxes are all you could think of when you hear anything along the lines of accountancy, which is intolerable to you, given that you’ve majored in finance, ironically. 

A lot of things in your life are contradicting, actually. You don’t like to cook but cooking for close friends is something you’ve always loved. Examples follow, and at one point you realised that your life barely makes sense. Expectations from friends and relatives made you a try hard, so much that anything less than a perfect score made you feel suffocated. People had desires and interest in certain things, but you needed to be good at everything, and saying that it was for yourself would be a lie, because you had to set an example of an ideal person in front of your younger siblings. Your parents were strict to you and it didn’t feel unfair. You were ten when you saw your mother cry because of all the financial burden, but she had to be the perfect mother for her children, so you never saw her complain ever again. Fifteen year old you didn’t have a goal in mind but she knew that there’s a path ahead of her that leads her siblings on the right track, towards a better future, and so she took it— no aims and dreams of herself, just whatever she could’ve done for her brothers. It was hard at first but the formula to success was easy— hardwork and determination, and all you had to do was avoid distractions. Again, the reality didn’t hit you until you met Heeseung. 

It was as if you were both her two sides of the same coin. Persistence flowed in both of your veins, but every time you looked at him, you realised that he enjoyed everything he was doing. Heeseung enjoyed waking up at four, going out for a jog, attending classes, job hunting, staying up till two or simply not sleeping on some nights. Even on the darkest of the days and coldest of the nights, you would see Heeseung looking at you with a warm smile. He always managed to find a reason to smile, or make a situation humorous enough to make others smile as well. You don’t know how he did that, you never had the chance to ask, but you’re certain that even if he told you, you wouldn’t understand. Heeseung’s principles of living were beyond your comprehension— staying up late yet waking up right when dawn breaks, buying books but never really reading them, researching articles on topics that don’t concern your subjects even marginally— but that’s just his curiosity getting the best of him. 

Often, he’d find himself amidst a financial conflict like any other college student, but it never had an impact on his desires, and he used to say, ‘A sale wouldn’t wait for me to pay my bills so that I can buy my favourite shirt with the money left,’ as if his rent was going to pay itself. If someone asks about the biggest difference between him and you, it’s about desires. You suppress yours while Heeseung lives them like it’s the last time he could ever wish for something. You believe in the cause, while Heeseung did in curiosity, and that’s where it creates a line. Though lately, you’ve been hearing other things about him, new things, if you must say. 

The landlord told you about the Heeseung who’s quiet, who doesn’t leave his house until it’s about work, who eats the same menu for days until his system demands something new, who now has been prescribed actual specs because of his family history of hypermetropia. You find yourself smiling about it because back in university, Heeseung used to brag about his perfect vision, and you would say, ‘family health history is no joke. you take that shit down to your grave,’ and now when it has actually happened, you wonder what he has to say. Hearing stories about him made you realise that a lot of things changed, but Heeseung didn’t. Maybe, the situation demands him to live vegetatively, or maybe he’s saving up for a bigger plan. 

“They say you’re a loner,” You had said one time when you bumped into him on the lift. “That you never leave your apartment except for work,” 

Much to Heeseung’s surprise, a lot of things changed after he entered his thirties, the most prominent being his back pain, which may or may not have arisen from the lack of workout and constantly sitting in front of his desk for hours. He would smile at plants or sit by the balcony, watching the city being ever so lively and yet so monotonous. Afternoon naps became mandatory to continue proficiently for the rest of the day and before he realised, Heeseung became the old man of every highschool student’s imagination. Truthfully, he spent his first few months after graduation in his room, amidst sketching pencils and loose sheets. While other fresh graduates hunted for jobs or ways to fill their resume to fit the companies’ requirements, he spent his early months as an unemployed lad who graduated with top honours from one of the best universities in Korea. For the first time in life, he found himself looking at his ceiling and wondering, what’s next. Heeseung, who always had a plan for something despite seeming reckless, was about to step into adulthood with no plans to follow. 

“I guess I’ll be that,”

He was back in your apartment, same wine in his hand, same old complaints. It’s been quite a few weeks since you’ve moved in and Heeseung always finds himself in your living room at noons when he doesn’t sleep, making small talk about topics that usually stir a little interest. You haven’t had the time to go out with your colleagues and make new friends or explore the city, which gives you a perfect excuse to see Heeseung and call it socialising. Not to mention, you’ve been introducing him to your previous workmates as the ‘new friend’ you’ve made in the new place. 

“We both know you’re not that,” You continue, recalling all the reasons why Heeseung isn’t how people around describe him to be. 

“No one is the same after actually getting a life,” He replies while going through his emails, scrolling down with one hand before placing the wine glass by his side and proceeding to type something. “Look at yourself, for example,” 

You don’t know whether it’s a compliment or an insult. Perhaps the latter, albeit the chances of him noticing a good difference in you are low but never zero. Your eyes fix on his fingers, following them as he types something before clearing it all, and then typing all over again while mumbling the exact same words with an expression ranging from confusion to worry. You reconsider his words, he isn’t half wrong. 

Adulthood is climacteric. You think you’re an adult the moment you turn eighteen but in reality, you aren’t one until you’re in a position to make it through life profoundly, and ironically enough, you don’t think most people get a taste of adulthood until they hit their late twenties or enter their thirties. Your mind traces back to what he said— ‘yourself, for example,’ and suddenly, you become conscious of every single thing that has changed about you. You learnt piano but now your fingers don’t flow smoothly over the keys as they used to, given you haven’t played piano in years. You were a part of the science club in highschool and the student council president in your senior year. You wanted to go into aeronautics but seasons changed and one day, you looked in the mirror and saw the version of yourself who was about to graduate with honours in finance. Even after graduation you had a chance to switch fields but you didn’t, or rather, couldn’t. You were hired in the same year, which gave you even more reasons to continue since it would relieve your dad of the financial burden looming on his shoulders. Maybe, that’s what adulthood is supposed to do to you. You find yourself working in a field you have no interest or experience in and by the time you gain experience, you’re too old to grow an interest. 

Statistically, your school life was much better than college and onwards. You had, although little, but knowledge about all the subjects, a desire to know more, time to yield interest and a will to keep going on. To think, almost everyone in high school grows up under the same circumstances. They either have the opportunity or are given one to pursue what they want, taking it or not is up to them. For you, it was the former. You were given the chance to participate in the maths olympiad which you didn’t because of school exams. You were recommended to the best science institute in the country but you dropped out in just two months. Your music teacher offered you a chance to learn music professionally in Vienna but you never reached out to her on that again. You were given multiple chances to live how you wanted to but you simply discarded them and went with what proved to be the easiest way. 

That moment on a comparatively warm august afternoon, sitting next to him with wine, you went all the way back to all the instances and decisions that lead you to where you were right now. 

On the other hand, you shift your attention back to Heeseung, and even though you never got to know about his childhood or parents properly, you certainly knew that the way he experienced both of them was better than yours. Growing up as a single child gave him absolute control of things that he did and did not want. His decisions were not influenced by his parents, which could be classified as some sort of independence in regards to making his own choices from an early age, but neither did he have any siblings to set an example for. All his life, Heeseung has only lived for himself, and it reflects in his personality, if one tries hard enough to notice. While you had to give up one thing or other for your siblings, Heeseung got a taste of everything he wanted. He knows how it feels to not sleep all night but you never had the chance until much later because you were always thought to sleep on time and wake up early, whether or not you had anything to do. There may have been someone guiding him all along but most of the time, his experience gave him a clear insight and freedom to choose what he wants to do. 

To sum it up, you might be more qualified in terms of academics but Heeseung has more experience when it comes to diverse situations, and experience is all employers want these days in their employees. 

“Well, you still are the ideal candidate for marriage,” You chuckle, remembering what the lady told you a few days ago. You notice him marking a few emails before closing the app, picking the wine glass back up once again. It’s not a surprise to see someone like Heeseung being approached with several martial arrangements. He, despite being described as a loner by a few residents in the apartment, is still the guy with whom you would want to marry your daughter off. He works nine-to-five like any other family guy, is disciplined, comes from a good family and education background, and his looks work as cherry on top.  

“All they want is a guy with a stable job and salary,” He spat with a smile, chugging down the drink in his glass all at once. “That’s not who I want to be,” 

“Who do you want to be, Heeseung?” You ask above the silence lingering in the room, just loud enough to pique his interest. His phone screen lights up with a mail, but his eyes never leave your sight, not even for a second. 

People usually wouldn’t recommend talking to your ex, let alone sharing a deep, therapeutic session about life and self-development. If you say you’re starting as friends again, they would say it’s impossible because the bare minimum requirement to classify as a friend— the lack of romantic emotions— has already been violated. Even if you claim to be over Heeseung and treat him as just another one of your exes, you know there are unsaid feelings blooming in the air. You wouldn’t call Heeseung a friend, he never was one, actually. Heeseung was never there when you actually needed a friend but you never noticed his absence as your colleague, or as your boyfriend. Heeseung is terrible at being friends because he confessed to you the day he introduced you as ‘just a friend,’ to his friends. You wouldn’t consider being friends with your ex, yet you don’t think you could be anything more with him either. You started talking to him as a stranger but Heeseung has always been way too familiar to identity as a stranger. Too familiar for a stranger, too strange to be familiar, it’s another one of the things your life could be contradicting about. 

He looks at you, directing your question back to you as if you’re a better candidate to consult. ‘Who do I want to be?’ All your life, you’ve never done something that counts for yourself. Even your perfect sleeping schedule was meant to set an example for your brothers. Your achievements were never yours to begin with. You were good at piano, but that’s because your teacher taught you. You never composed a piece and simply played what has already been played. Even at work, you do what you’ve been told, and not what you want to. There’s no innovation, just flow of ideas from one level to the other, and it keeps being passed down to a level beyond which, it’s no longer fruitful. ‘Who do I want to be?’ You ask yourself over and over again, but it’s a question you don’t know how to approach. Rather, you would like to know, ‘Who am I right now?’

Just like that, October passes amidst wines and visits from Heeseung every other afternoon or evenings on weekends that weren’t swamped with work. For some reasons, workload increases as December approaches with his cold and calloused hands, which could be the reason why you’ve been seeing less of him lately. Occasionally, you would pour two glasses of wine and sit in the living room, but it would end up with you drinking yours in silence while his’ rests untouched. On nights you stay up till twelve or so, you could hear him unlock his doors in a hurry and shut it just as quickly. Maybe, that’s how a busy lifestyle is supposed to be. Consequently, you stopped waiting for him, coming in terms with reality once again. For a brief while, you considered flying back to your hometown and living with your family for a while, but the idea was dismissed as soon as the announcements about promotions emerged in your department. Once again, you found yourself working day and night with eyes set on no one but Heeseung to spend your upcoming Christmas with. 

Usually, you’re someone who prioritises family over work but a promotion is what you need the most at the moment. Time and patience, they say, but you have neither of those. You don’t have time to sit and rethink or start all over again, time to start from scratch, and patience was never one of your positive traits. At times, you would consider resigning and moving to a whole other country but it was too late to do that. You were no longer a stranger to society, you knew how things work and you had to make things work, with no time to try anything new. At thirty-two, no one wants to see you resign and fly to Maldives for a vacation, to live like you have no worries to worry about, not even yourself. See, that’s the pain of growing up. Parents would tell their children that they have their whole life to do what they like and just a few years to study and make something out of themselves, and it’s nothing but a lie. The truth is, you only have time when you’re young and, as you grow up, time starts slipping out of your hand. A kid is expected to be able to walk by the time they’re eighteen months old, or two years at most. Beyond that, it’s a problem and you have to consult a paediatrician, even if you don’t want to. A student is expected to graduate by the time they turn eighteen, people are expected to have a job by twenty-seven, you’re supposed to be in a relationship before thirty and married by thirty-five. As you grow old, the time to do something runs out and by the time you’re seventy or so, you realise you’re too old to do what you want. 

“I actually wanted to go back this time but, mom’s trying to convince me into getting married,” He said when you accidentally bumped into him this morning, signing off a delivery. Heeseung, in college, came off as someone who would be rather interested in marriages, someone who’d commit to a serious relationship in university and end up marrying them. You wanted to ask the reason but chose not to, maybe because you remind yourself that you’re exes and there are boundaries that should be maintained. 

“So, you just don’t want to get married,” It’s supposed to be a question, albeit it comes off as a statement. You lean against your doorframe, watching him carry his parcel inside and placing it next to his couch. Usually, you’d lend him a hand but today, you simply crossed your arms and waited for him to respond. 

“I don’t want to get married right now,” He replies between huffs. “I can barely take care of myself,” There’s a faint bit of fascination in his voice, a smile evident on his face that leaves you wondering if the slight humour was necessary or whether it’s supposed to be a facade for his rather unsatisfactory lifestyle. 

“Well, you are doing much better than me,” You counter with the same fascination, shifting your weight on both your feet equally in hopes to engage in a full fledged conversation instead of a small talk. “Besides, marriage is a two way street. Being the husband doesn’t mean you have to earn and be responsible for the whole family, or being the wife doesn’t mean she has to cook, there are no roles to play. Marriage is just, sharing what you do, good or bad, right or wrong, and helping each other become a better version of ourselves.” A string of silence follows, you notice his chest rise in an attempt to reply, but words never leave his mouth. You wonder if you said something wrong, but part of you knows you didn’t. Marriage is not as horrific and most of the people make it to be. We all need someone to hold onto, someone who you know will be there when the world isn’t— it’s similar to dating, except you’re committing to just one person, which is better than breaking up and living in vain for months before falling for someone and living the whole process all over again.  

“You seem to know a lot,” But Heeseung never replies and shuts the door, and it’s just you and the silence once again. 

You spend the next few weeks locked in your bedroom, in front of your laptop, making a presentation while living off noodles and beer. You sleep schedule has been in shambles, you’ve grown prominent dark circles, living the vicious cycle of working your ass off with little or no sleep to suffice for your constant workload. This is the most productive you’ve been in a while, especially after your transfer. You wouldn’t say your job pleases you and better, but being aware that this project could really end up with you getting a promotion and thus, a salary increase, is enough to keep you going. 

You were back where you had started a few years ago, reading reports and watching your laptop overheat from all the tabs and applications running at once. You knew what you were doing but everything felt so foreign. The excel sheets spread open with the pointer blinking for you to add an input but your fingers no longer dance above the keyboard like they used to in the first few months of your job. You consulted your seniors, talked to your team leader, watched conferences of qualified professors of your field, took notes, but it all led you to the same thing— deleting and rewriting the whole thing, or simply a blank document that would light up your room on  nights you chose not to sleep. You even considered talking to Heeseung at some point but after recalling the way he dismissed you the morning he was receiving the parcel, you choose not to. While most people wouldn’t mind taking ten minutes to offer a word of advice, you simply choose not to involve Heeseung with your personal issues. 

Taking half days from work using it as an excuse to work on your presentation gave you an opportunity to watch Heeseung leave and arrive at his apartment everyday. You’d sit on your balcony with beer, or tea, rarely, and your laptop on your lap, scrolling through emails and numerous files, and around seven every evening, you’d see him step out of the cab that drops him off right in front of the apartment. On mornings, you usually see him walk up to the intersection which you think is to compensate for the lack of exercise in his routine. Often, you find yourself peeking down from your railing to catch a glimpse of him as soon as the minute hand crosses seven twenty. When he doesn’t arrive by eight, you grab another can of beer and take rounds from your door to the balcony with a pacing that increases with every second that passes. One time, he came home at nine and you rushed to open your door before realising that you can’t tell him you’ve been waiting for him for the past two hours. Good thing is that you had your phone and continued on your way to the apartment garden, telling him that you have to make an important call. 

You met him as his ex and now you find yourself dropping everything and waiting for him as if he’s your first priority. That’s when you realised you needed to create a line, but for now, you don’t mind hanging out in the neighbourhood with Heeseung as his friend, according to how he now introduces you to people he knows. 

“You’re telling me you never went out and explored this place?” His mouth was agape, too shocked to say anything. There were days when your antics spilled out relentlessly, but living in a city for over almost four months and not knowing any of the routes besides the one to your workplace has to be the worst one of those. Even back in university, you preferred to spend weekends in your dorms instead of at some club or bar, like your friends did. It would be a stretch if Heeseung said you are a hopeless case because he was no better, but he wasn’t as bad either, in several ways. 

“Hm, well, work gave me a perfect excuse to not go out,” You say with your eyes glued to the data sheet on your phone and it reminds him of the day you saw him studying Economics outside the bar. These are a few of the similarities that Heeseung noticed between him and you, similarities that he likes to see but is too scared to address in words. “Besides, it would be a waste of time and fuel when you can get the exact same things at your doorsteps.” 

“Is that why you never went out in college either?” He asks finally after a long drawn silence, albeit it never hits you since you’ve been too busy going through the documents on your phone. “Hey,”

“Maybe, but that was more because of academic reasons,” A poke on your shoulder manages to draw a response out of you, but it doesn’t take Heeseung to realise that you’re no longer interested in his questions. “Should we get more beer?” 

Heeseung stares at you, wondering if you still want a response because you’re already picking up cans from the shelves and walking towards the counter for billing. Gradually, he realises that you don’t even remember asking him for his input because you’re simply paying the bills and thanking the woman for her service. Instead of a question, your words resonate more like a statement. As if, you are no longer asking for a third-party input, you don’t need it, you’re simply letting them know your next decision, disguising it as an action of. . . kindness? Soliticion? He doesn’t know.

Now that the sun is approaching the horizon, offering a purple hue to the ever so beautiful sky, Heeseung finally comes to terms with what he thinks about you. His mind traces back to the day you told him that he’s not who people make him out to be and for a brief second, he questions the credibility of your words. You claim to know him, but do you know that he has been living by the edge all this time, or that he has been fired thrice before getting a job in the bank he’s working right now, or that he tried to call you after you broke up with him, that he has been diagnosed with some sort of congenital heart condition? You didn’t lie when you said one’s family health history will follow them down to their grave. And just like you, he doesn’t know much about you either. Even though you’ve told him most of the things, ranging from your family to your current situation, Heeseung doesn’t know who you are. There’s an unfamiliar familiarity, or a familiar unfamiliarity, either works, he doesn’t have a better phrase to describe it. To think, while you consider yourself in a position to classify people’s thoughts on Heeseung as right or wrong, he doesn’t even consider himself in a position to pay for your food, and it’s probably because how you’ve been taking slow steps away from him, eyes still glued to your phone while you keep talking to him as if he’s right next to you, when actually, he’s twenty steps behind. The sun that has disappeared, leaving behind a sombre glow over the whole city, taught him something— that no matter how long you’ve known someone, you never know them enough. There are pieces of you that separate you from them, actions that tell you that no two people are mirrors for each other’s soul, for one’s body and mind knows how to differentiate between self and non self, and no one’s a ‘know it all,’ after all. 

“You’ve changed,” He mentions abruptly, and that’s when you finally look up in his direction, soaking in the awareness that Heeseung is no longer standing next to you. 

For some reason, the evening led you to a local restaurant and while you were busy on your phone again, Heeseung took his time reading the menu card. As he took his time ordering the drinks, your attention shifted to the view of busy streets on the other side of the glass window pane. You watched as the high schoolers had the time of their lives next to a vending machine, following the actions of the book store owner as he reopened his shop for the evening. You swear you heard Heeseung call out your name a couple of times, albeit it felt like a fever dream and you didn’t respond. 

Change, as he described you, you wonder what could’ve changed inside you. You don’t think there’s a lot. You still work like a maniac and refuse to go out. Your complaining nature never changed, but you still don’t voice your problems where you should. You still get terrible headaches and take a pill for every little inconvenience. In the end, you don’t think you’re very different from how you were when you met Heeseung. Except that your hard work barely pays off these days, you think you’re still the same, monotonic version of yourself that he fell in love with, the same you that dumped him on the day of graduation ceremony four years ago.

“You said I changed,” By the time your drinks had arrived, you were knee deep in the simulations that could’ve made Heeseung feel like you’ve changed. “In what aspects, if I may ask,” 

“Like, in general,” He replies with a nod. “I can’t point it out but something about you has changed— well, of course, your age aside,” Liar, he thinks. Heeseung, in fact, knows what has changed, but he doesn’t know how to put it in words. Well, I can’t say you’re no longer looking forward to my opinions on something. Because even though you met as neighbours, even though you’re in a restaurant with him, having a meal and sharing bits of your life’s stories with each other, even though Heeseung looks forward to seeing you everyday— he needs to remember that you started as exes. 

You manage to draw a long hum out of you, nodding cautiously as you take his every word into consideration. They don’t offer much insight about what he’s actually thinking, but again, you never know exactly what is going on inside someone’s head. However, you take your chance to try and get something out of him. “A good change or a bad change?” 

“That’s for you to figure out,” He says softly, tying his words with a long, silent pause that follows closely after. He shoots you a cheeky smile before digging in and you take your time examining his features under the yellow lights of the restaurant, noticing the way he cuts his steak, or the way his eyebrows perk up as soon as his phone rings. You watch him turn to his side as he picks up the call, putting hand on his mouth to minimise the sound, though it was loud enough for you to decipher it clearly. 

You read the slight changes in his expression and gradual curve of his lips swifting upwards. Amidst all, your phone rings as well, interrupting the decorum of the restaurant. You pick it up quickly when Heeseung sends you a displeasing look, though you believe it wasn’t intentional. You didn’t check the caller ID but the voice tells you that it’s your team leader and for some reason, you’re expecting something good. Call it a hunch or the change in scenery tonight but something tells you that there must be good news waiting for you in a secluded corner. While you try your best to focus on what is being informed to you from the other side of the line, you’re too busy analysing Heeseung’s grimace that now you’re mirroring the same smile that’s dancing on his face. He glances at you and his smile grows wider, making you do the same in return. You really hope your call isn’t about the presentation due tomorrow because if yes, then you’re going to mess up, for your attention is nowhere near your call. You’re so lost taking note of every single change in Heeseung’s expression that now, everything your team leader is telling you from the other side of the phone is a blur. It’s as if you’re in a crowded room and the only thing you’re able to perceive is him. You’re so busy indulging in his actions that the only thing you’re able to hear clearly from the phone is that you’ve been removed from the project.

‘I know that you’ve been working hard but the Chairman thinks you’re not skilled enough to collaborate with us on this project,’ You start paying attention to the conversation now, letting everything else around dissolve in the yellow glow of the restaurant. ‘To make sure your efforts aren’t wasted, you’re free to give us a brief view on what you had in mind and if we decide to include it, I’ll put in a word or two for you to the Chairman.’ 

‘Promotion,’ he mouths the word with a cheeky smile when your eyes focus back on him before getting back to his phone once again. You don’t put down your phone and pretend to be on a call to avoid hearing about his good news, or share the bad one from your side. You try to respond with the same smile but your lips feel like they’re frozen. No movements— you don’t know what to say, how to smile; numbness is all you could comprehend. For the first time in all the years that you’ve known him, a slight hint of envy intoxicates the air between you and Heeseung. You should be happy for him— you’ve always been. You’ve always been a part of his success despite falling to the rock bottom on your part. On days Heeseung called you to inform you about the awards he received in a particular competition, you’d invite him over for a celebratory drink even if you, yourself, lost terribly. It was a long drawn process of mutual development and self-care. What people thought of as a relationship written in the stars, was a selfish way of ensuring your well being in the most selfless ways ever. You stayed with Heeseung because he was the only person down to hang out with you in your apartment instead of forcing you to go out. You enjoyed his company because he motivated you to do better, to test your potential and go beyond your limits; and somewhere inside, you knew you were worth the same for Heeseung too. Watching him do well, isn’t that what you wanted? You should be happy for him— but you’re not.  

Heeseung excuses him outside the restaurant once his phone starts blowing up with texts and calls, giving you a chance to drop your facade and let the whole situation sink in. You lean back on your chair, phone on the table as its screen lights up with a message from your team leader, informing the team that you’ve decided to step down from the project— which is a lie but you assume it’s been told to save you for further embarrassment. You sniff, a chuckle falls off your lips, there’s no use of it at all, what’s done is done. On the other side of the glass pane, you could see Heeseung talking on his phone with a triumphant smile, making invincible patterns on the pavestone with the tip of his converses. It feels as if he’s shining against the busy streets behind him, as if he’s the centre of attention at the moment. It takes you exactly back to your graduation day— he was just as happy sharing the news about his graduation with his family. You were sitting inside a cafe and watched him talk for what felt like hours. Your heart was full of the same dissatisfaction, but now that you think about it, perhaps it was just jealousy back then too. While Heeseung was born smart, brimming with passion, you had to fight to get what you wanted. And despite being one of the brightest students in his class, Heeseung’s achievements never had a chance next to yours. You stood in the first three ranks of your school, first five all your college life, been recommended to prestigious schools, were given more opportunities, you were better than Heeseung in all the possible ways. 

You watch Heeseung come inside and pick up his fork, only to put it down and get back to typing once again. There’s a smile on his face and it tells you that you’re equally deserving of the happiness he’s experiencing, perhaps even more than him because life was way harder for you than anyone else you’ve known till date. For the first time in years, you think life is unfair to you because even after giving your best in everything, you’re met with nothing but failure and discontent. No matter how hard you try, your efforts never pay off and people start treating you like a pushover, thinking you would do everything they’d say because you need to put up a good image of yourself in your workplace. You walk hand in hand with failure and watch people succeed with their bare minimum effort. You look at him once again and think, why must it always be you who suffers the pain of failure and shame.

Why me, why not him? 

III. Remember why you broke up

By the time winters arrived and marked their peak, you barely got a view of your neighbour. A part of it could be because of his even busier work life that comes in with promotions. You took the weekend off, saying you have an annual health checkup scheduled at the City Hospital, even though it was a white lie and you never had an appointment with your physician to begin with. Those two days felt longer than usual with the four walls of your apartment making you feel suffocated in your own house. You paced around for hours on empty, rearranging things, cleaning rooms, cooking meals, moving furniture— just anything that would make you feel useful. Truthfully, being depressed over a promotion makes you feel even more stupid about yourself. It’s a part of life, something you involuntarily signed up for when you applied for your job and you can’t run away from it no matter how much you try. Being in the workforce comes with disappointment and pleasure, failures and success; it’s not your first time losing but it still feels like the burden of failure is occupying every little space in your room, making it harder and harder for you to breathe. 

You thought things would be better once you get back to work but everything starts caving in when you hear the team leader discuss details about the project. Initially, they would let you in their meeting, offering you a chance to share your ideas to see if they can cultivate anything better but it didn’t last long either. You started learning about their meetings after work from other colleagues and they started leaving you out of their discussions. On some days, you would sit by an empty table in the canteen and go back to every move you made, trying to track down the mistakes you could’ve made for them to push you away. You didn’t expect them to keep you updated on everything since you’re no longer on the project team, but it would’ve been better if they had simply said that you’re not needed anymore instead of watching you run around cluelessly before you caught a hint. Everything would’ve been a lot easier if you didn’t have to drag yourself around to survive and make a living. On days like these, you would imagine Heeseung in his cabin with a complacent smile, laughing with his friends and receiving compliments. You don’t know why but at one point in time, you started picturing yourself in his shoes while idly resting in your apartment. 

Occasionally, you would hear his footsteps outside your door and stop everything you’d be doing to hear him unlock his door and walk in. Having Heeseung with you was slightly better than living alone and drowning in your overbearing thoughts, but you decided to maintain your distance. Heeseung— apart from being your ex— was someone capable of doing something, anything. You’ve known Heeseung for years and the once carefree young adult found a purpose in life. He had goals to achieve, perhaps a to-do list to complete; you didn’t want to disturb his decorum with your lethargic lifestyle. On some days, he would knock on your door and you’d pretend to be asleep. He would stand for a minute longer and knock again, you would focus on the sound of him tapping his shoes until they faded behind his doors. You started with leaving him on seen and stopped reading his texts altogether. For a few days, it felt refreshing— as if he was never a part of your life to begin with— but the loneliness didn’t hit you until he stopped dropping by your door. And you realised— you were never able to get him out of your life properly. After you broke up, you moved away, blocking all means of contact, but met him at a reunion, and something inside of you prompted to get his number, and so you did. Even though you never talked, you found yourself staring at his number with your fingers hovering over his caller ID. 

It took you years, but you think you’re coming to terms with the truth, that you can never get Heeseung out of your life, and it’s not because you can’t, but instead it’s because you don’t want to. Life without Heeseung felt like a maze, but with him it’s as if you’ve found a way, and you would never admit but having him next to you was so much better than living alone with alcohol. 

When his absence overwhelmed you, you would try burying yourself into stuff as a distraction. It started with books, then painting, followed by poetry, before you would slump on your couch again with no motivation to do anything. Job wasn’t any better or busier. People had little expectations from you and you had even less. At times, you would pace in your living room, trying to complete a presentation or prepare an excel sheet. The deja vu caved in when you’d hear Heeseung’s cab stop by the apartment entrance, except you no longer ran to your balcony to catch a glimpse. You no longer sat on the balcony with tea, waiting for him to arrive. As time passed, you stopped paying attention to the sound of him unlocking his door. His footsteps dissolved in the heavy silence, too miscible for you to perceive. Occasionally, you’d find yourself thinking about him in the shower or before bed, but the thought of him never lasted long enough for it to dawn upon you. Before you knew it, Heeseung became just another neighbour you had, another resident living in the fourteen floored apartment.  

One evening, you bumped into a woman who was standing in front of Heeseung’s apartment. You didn’t see her face, for you were standing behind her with grocery bags, but you could picture what she looked like. Your eyes settled upon her chiffon shirt and the way it complimented figure, her stilettos, a handbag from Lana Marks, you couldn’t help but compare yourself to her. The thoughts about her knowing or being related to Heeseung didn’t cross your mind until a few minutes later. She, despite being someone you never met, was the exact image of how your younger self had imagined herself in future. 

“Excuse me, does Lee Heeseung live on this floor? I just want to confirm,” And her voice is just as captivating. You find yourself staring at her face longer than you should, losing the sense of reality because of all the questions hurdling inside your mind. 

Who even are you?

“He does, but he’s at work right now,” You reply with a bitter smile.

Who are you to him?

“I see,” It seems like she’s about to say something, and you’re not up for a small talk with a stranger, or Heeseung’s girlfriend, or his ex-girlfriend, your ex’s other ex girlfriend, whichever fits the scenario better. Actually, you’re not half against the idea of him dating someone else, not like your refusal will mean anything either. Truthfully, the idea never crossed your mind. You spent your days working days and nights to get the degree you’ve been aiming for, apply for jobs, fueling your hunger for having more and more. 

Maybe, that’s why college is supposed to include one of the most youthful years because after all, it is the only time when you’re free from most of the worries. You didn’t have stress about attending classes regularly or having proper notes like you did in highschool, nor did you have to worry about fitting into the workforce and numerous interviews. College, for you, was the time you could see yourself falling in love, and you did, and now that you stand in your marginally empty living room with your gaze reaching up to the farthest of the buildings touching the sky line, you realise that you don’t see yourself falling for someone the way you did for Heeseung. Perhaps that’s why your conscience refused to imagine him with someone else. Maybe because he had such an impact on you that you don’t see yourself with someone else, you sort of hoped that the time he spent with you had half, if not the same, impact on him as well. 

The evening passed by with you sitting in front of your laptop, scrolling through the document your boss sent you the same noon. The beer cans lie stray on the tiles, right next to you as you shiver under your beige cardigan. You’ve been wanting to close the balcony for a while now, except you don’t want to get up from the cushion that has warmed up with you sitting on it for two hours now, especially in this cold weather. You’re not busy, but you’ve been trying to indulge yourself into little work here and there. Even if it’s just moving your furniture from one corner to another, or going through a file that you’ve already reviewed the previous evening, anything that could make you feel less lonely is welcomed. 

These are the moments when you zone out involuntarily, thinking about Heeseung, or more precisely, his work life. You picture him in his cabin with a cup of coffee, skipping lunch because he has files stacking up on his desk. You imagine him amidst his colleagues at a local bar after working hours, having his drink of relief that hits his system with a wave of satisfaction after a long and busy day. You think about him a little too often for someone who’s trying to forget him. Usually, the thoughts are laced with traces of envy. Today, they’re drowning in something between regret and jealousy. You take a sip from the can in your hand, and suddenly, the image of Heeseung with the lady from earlier pops inside your mind. You’re not sure if they dated, or if they are dating, but you do know that they’re more than friends. Perhaps, it’s just a hunch, an intuition that’s terribly wrong and is driving you to insanity because of all the stuff you’re thinking about. You know you should stop but you can’t help but picture them together. 

Now, you’re thinking about their life together as a couple, the stuff they’d do, the things they’d say. You feel like an intruder peeping into their lifestyles, someone who’s uninvited in their story, a third person. You think about them doing everything you and Heeseung did together, but again, neither of you had a lot of things in your hands to begin with. You had your problems, he had his part-time job, a sorry excuse of a college major that both of you found interesting, along with each other’s shoulders to cry on when needed. While your stories started off as any other tale of love with paths decorated with flowers, it was far from how they portrayed love life in universities in the media. In reality, you barely have time for each other and if somehow you do, you know in the back of your head that you’re missing out on other things. College is, actually, just a bunch of things to do with limited time, and the time is running out of your hands while you sit on your bed and contemplate life decisions, crushing over some person from one of your classes, thinking about the bartender from that cafe downstreet, making up for everything you didn’t get to do during highschool. 

You and Heeseung didn’t have a lot of time to offer each other. Texts were shared, he’d face time with you every morning and you’d call him if you couldn’t see him after classes. Hugs shared in hallways reduced to apologies at your shared apartments, you both went from making out in club rooms to barely getting a glimpse of each other on weekdays. Initially, when he would get back after extra classes, you would be at the door, waiting with your arms open. After sometime, you’d be in your room, busy with your work while he would be lost in his own world of things to tend to. At first, Heeseung’s presence made you feel better about yourself but later on, it didn’t matter if he was there or not. It all felt the same, and the worst part, neither of you tried to work on it. Both you and Heeseung started to get used to the lack of each other. 

Your fingers tighten around the can, your mind goes back to thinking about the lady. Maybe, the lack of affinity in your relationship gave Heeseung a reason to give up and move on. Perhaps, she was everything to him that you couldn’t be, maybe she keeps standing at her doorstep to welcome him after he returns from work, that the two of them seek for each other instead of getting used to whatever has been offered by the circumstances. Could be that every kiss meant as a thank you for being in each other’s life instead of a sorry for not being able to see each other for days and more. Maybe, he is happy with her and you have no right to be jealous because in the end, you gave him every reason to try to forget you. 

Another shot of beer down your throat, another can added to the emptied stacks, your senses start fading into nothing when you hear distant clicking of doors, or perhaps it’s the hangover blanketing the sound for you. With the last bits of energy and soberness left in your system, you get up and open your door. 

“Didn’t expect you to remember me after all this time that you’ve been ignoring me,” Heeseung snaps at you playfully, or maybe, with a hidden sense of disappointment. You have the answer to his question if he asks why you suddenly opened the door when he didn’t even ring the doorbell, or why you’re here standing at your doorstep with nothing but a thin cardigan in this chilling weather. You’re just hoping he won't ask you for the reason you refused to see him until now, because you don’t have an answer to that. 

“Someone came, looking for you,” You say, and meanwhile, in the back of your head, you think of reasons why you actually ran to see him the moment he arrived from work. You don’t want to admit it’s because of the woman from earlier today, you don’t think she’s the reason behind the sudden changes in your mannerisms in the first place. “Some lady,”

A pause, you notice realisation seeping through the cracks of his skin. A second passes, and then another, his eyes tell you that he knows who it could be. “Right,” 

And, Heeseung steps inside your apartment as if it’s yours, and you step aside, letting him in, as if he has always belonged there, and it feels as if the walls have started to fade out the moment he takes a seat on the couch, taking a sip from the bear can you offer him with eyes ever so indulged in him, as if he has returned home after months. Heeseung exhales deeply before letting the words fall off his lips. “We dated for a while,” 

You expected that much, judging from her mannerism and the way she took your name. You had expected them to be in a relationship, or had pictured them as exes who are planning to get back together, a luxury you could never afford. Consequently, you bury those thoughts deep inside, taking a seat next to him, and for some reason, you feel breathless in your own house, on your own couch, with your own bear intoxicating your systems. It’s something Heeseung has always done to you; making you feel out of place. 

You want to yell at him. 

Looking at Heeseung, you don’t know what exactly made you fall for him in the first place. For example, say, you can claim that he dislikes drinking out late with friends and is the type to study even during gatherings based on just one incident. You can sit back and claim to be almost, if not just as, similar to him, pointing out the similarities while completely ignoring the differences, crossing them out of your list of reasons why. But considering everything now, Heeseung has always been different, and a better different. He received good grades even after spending empty hours at your apartment, watching you study. You complained about having day long picnics with him, saying the two of you could use that time more efficiently. As a result, there were nights you could cry yourself to sleep because you were unable to look at your relationship from his point of view. You would kiss him but it’s an apology for the upcoming week that you wouldn’t be able to see him, and you would cancel dates just to study another chapter beforehand. Every single second spent next to him reminded you of all the sacrifices he made for you and every thing you did to disregard his efforts. No, you weren’t a bad partner, his timing was wrong, but saying that would be just another excuse to soothe your aching heart. Looking at him now, it takes you back to all the days you’ve spent together in pain and pleasure, between yes and no’s, do’s and don’ts, a choice between leaving and staying for a little bit longer; the memories are bittersweet like your favourite wine, or rather, they resemble a cold autumn breeze that makes you shut your doors and windows, keeping you from enjoying your favourite season. Time spent with him was short, though nice, but thinking of him makes you blue. You said you wouldn’t see him again but you’re still here, next to him, stuck in the past, still young, still making mistakes, still growing, not knowing if you’ll ever learn. 

“So, how was work today?” You ask, partially because you don’t want to think about him and partially because of the slight curiosity you have regarding his work life, about how it feels to do something he likes, something that doesn’t feel like a chore. 

“You’re not going to ask why we broke up?” He questions back. 

“I figured that it’s your private matter,” 

“She said I didn’t love her,” He says it factually, as if it’s something you’re supposed to know. “That I used her to pass time while waiting for someone else,” His words are unclear, insinuating towards something that you dare not assume, but his eyes are telling you that it’s your fault. 

And for once after you broke up with you, you wonder if Heeseung resents you for calling off your relationship. The thought of him hating you has never crossed your mind, be it your pride or habits to avoid taking the blame. You don’t resent him, he can’t either. You loved each other, you got over it, you broke up, that’s life. That’s the flow of the universe, to meet people and leave him to meet someone else and to keep meeting a new person until you find the one you could stay with. If he thinks you’re the reason why he hasn’t been able to move on, then he’s no different from you, for the thought of him dating someone else has been bugging you ever since the two of you had a drink together on the night you moved in. 

To you, love was inordinate. I love you, Heeseung would say, and you’d ask, how much— he wouldn’t find the words to answer you then. You can go on, pretending none of this ever happened, draping sheets over all the memories about everything you and Heeseung were, in the back of your mind, and fall in love with him all over again, living as all the things you could’ve been. You’ve put too much faith in your love for him, knowing that even after spending the sunsets alone, your mornings will always commence in his arms. There’s fear lurking around, you chose to ignore it. So resentment, in your relationship, was a bliss neither of you could have. For every day that you stood him up, Heeseung paid you back multiple folds. Every moment spent in his arms struck you back with arguments that seemed to get bigger, and none of you were ready to work things out. The pain was mutual, you both hurt each other, then why does it seem like only you’re in the wrong? 

“Turns out, I never gave you a congratulatory gift for your promotion. I should be having a bottle of wine if I’m not wrong,” You get up from your couch; a subtle attempt to change the topic and drive the atmosphere in any other direction except the one it was flowing into. 

Silence takes over, you’re in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, he’s on the couch, the sound of water dripping down your kitchen sink hits your ears as you get conscious of the periodic sounds of the clock ticking. Maybe, wine is just an excuse to get away from Heeseung and everything that his presence takes you back to. It feels like university all over again, where you could spend hours in silence next to each other, though this time, you’re apart, but still, under the same roof. The sense of something being terribly wrong looms in the air, but none of you could bring yourselves to say something, because you both need a shoulder to lean on. There are heavy untold words housing the back of your mind, unasked questions that haunt Heeseung in his sleep, suppressed emotions both of you know couldn’t be expressed so easily this time ‘round. 

There’s no wine at your place, but you put water to boil while preparing hangover soups for both of you. His exhausted grimace tells you he needs it, and you need it even more than him. You’re taken back to the days when either of you would have a run down to the nearest convenience store to the university to get beer and then spend the night before the test amidst alcohol and sheer stress weighing your shoulders. You would refuse to waste your time instead of studying but one look at Heeseung and you’d lose your composure. Blurred words about how both of you should be studying for exams would escape your lips between sips from your cans and, Heeseung would simply laugh at your failed efforts to pull yourself together. On days, you think about the possibility of you and him and you could’ve been if time had allowed, wondering if you could’ve made things right by attending the reunion last year instead of making excuses to pass just because Heeseung was going to be there. You consider every single scenario where he and you could’ve been together if time had allowed, and if either of you had taken a step towards making things right, then again, a voice from the back of your mind would tell you to give up. 

You hear Heeseung let out an exaggerated sigh. “I resigned,” 

“What?” And it feels like your lungs have collapsed. “I mean, you’ve been promoted then, why?” You don’t get it. Resigning from a job that had everything to offer seemed too incomprehensible in your knowledge. Had it been you— had it been anyone else— would think the same.

You’ve spent months in despair, searching for a purpose in the way you make money, a reason to keep going on between oceans of failure with pieces of your shattering will staying afloat. You’ve spent nights staying up, working on a presentation and giving it your everything to secure a better position in your department. Not a day has passed when you didn’t feel like you’ve lost the purpose of everything and yet, kept going with the flow of life to see if something good lies at the other end. And Heeseung would say, who cares about the standards of normal people, but recruiting managers don’t look for something out of the ordinary. They’re not looking for someone who would operate things based on whether it fits their sense of satisfaction, someone who would resign after getting a promotion when other employees struggle to get one. You would consider having a long talk about the choices he made and one he should’ve gone with, but instead, you sit in front of him on the cold winter tiles. 

“Promotions can make you feel good for a while, but they can’t satisfy you in the long run,” He says it easily, a little too carelessly for your comfort. “I just want to do something I like,” And once again, you come to the conclusion that these are the reasons why you and Heeseung wouldn’t have made it even if you had tried.

He’s too different. 

Heeseung has nothing to lose, never had to begin with. When you saw yourself for a whole month, doing everything in the same way, he was out enjoying his life. Now that you’ve managed to pull yourself together and learnt to handle your emotions, though not by a long shot, he shows up and tells you that he has resigned from his perfect job, or rather, a job that would’ve been perfect for you, at least. You would’ve been a better employee, you’re efficient, you don’t make decisions impulsively, have excellent qualifications, know how to separate work and private life, how to separate likes and dislikes from needs and necessities. You wouldn’t have resigned because if you did, you would’ve lost your only source of income, your last straw, something that has been keeping you from returning back to your stagnant lifestyle. You would’ve been a much better employee than Heeseung. 

You’ve seen him living like he has no worries. You’ve seen him switch clubs, change hobbies, drop subjects until he settled with something that satisfies him. Heeseung is about kissing his lovers between paintings at an art museum, promising forever, but he’s so quick to change his heart. Heeseung knows what’s important and what’s not a little too much, he knows what he needs and things that have no use for him anymore. Perhaps, it’s a sense of fearlessness that you acquire growing up the way he did, exquisitely happy and desperately carefree. You think it’s just a waste of time and resources for people like Heeseung because they don’t understand the value of certain things just because they’ve received it too easily. You wouldn’t disregard his efforts because you’ve seen him work hard to make ends in university. Even though things were a tad bit easier for him compared to you, you know it was the hardest time he had during university. You admire Heeseung for his consistency and passion, but you despise him for throwing away something you’ve seen people cry for; something that you’ve cried for, over a hundred times. While you may come to respect his choices when you wake up the next day, but right now, you wish that he was in your shoes, living life the way you’ve been living, suffering, struggling, suppressing. 

“People just don’t get by through society with their likes and dislikes,” There’s a touch of envy in your words, you hope it wouldn’t get past him. You grew up doing everything that would result in a secure future instead of something that satisfies you, to put it straight. The managers at interviews don’t look for candidates with most unique or extraordinary likes and hobbies, but rather they’re in search of someone with experience, ironically, and someone who can adapt to different circumstances without diminution of their efficiency. 

And you think, the childhood people have, or the way they grow up, what they go through and the circumstances they lived in, it really shapes their future selves. Growing up in a financially suboptimal family made you believe that money is everything, and people can try convincing you otherwise but their views wouldn’t alter the truth. Even if you wake up and try to think that money isn’t the most important thing, you would learn to believe otherwise the moment you open your empty refrigerator by the end of this month. You didn’t waste time having highschool romances and university love stories. You’ve had your fair share in having crushes and one night stands until you met Heeseung, and thinking about it now, a part of you knows it was a better decision to stay with him instead of hoping you had someone by your side on days when you didn’t feel like yourself. Perhaps, you did use him like a part of your conscience claims. Maybe at the end of day, away from all the concepts of love and lust, that’s what he was to you, a band aid that needed to be replaced before it infects the very wound it was healing. 

“You’re going to regret it,” It’s a breathy confession, a bitter truth. “Decisions made impulsively, they always leave heavy regrets,” You’ve been walking hand in hand with regrets. You’ve made decisions, many of which you thought would offer great results but instead, left with heavy regrets. You know better than giving up on the perfect job in search of something you’d enjoy doing, or walking in another direction knowing it’s the longer way home. Life has given you your fair share of events to think back to whenever you sit back, planning to do something new. Sometimes, you wonder why all of this only happens with you, and as an answer, you think that maybe, you’re the only one who would take life for its lessons and losses and still keep on going as if nothing ever happened. 

“Then, did you ever regret breaking up with me?” You see, Heeseung was never successful in comprehending the whole logic behind love. He was told it’s warm, but he knows love is the loneliest place a person could ever find themself in; he read that it’s kind, but Heeseung has spent nights spilling tears on his pillow, all because of love. It’s self contradicting; love is supposed to make you feel happy, but it stings. It gets under his skin, makes him unsteady, makes him question everything he has ever believed about love. He didn’t see it coming. Truthfully, Heeseung didn’t see you coming into his life. You were a boon and a blessing, the one who made him feel reckless and out of control; the one he is infuriatingly and inexplicably drawn to. Ironically enough, you’re not the one who tucks him in bed, but instead the reason why he cannot sleep at night. So, Heeseung needs to know if his presence made you feel the same way, or if he was really just another passerby in your melancholy. 

His question is the words you’ve been avoiding to notice ever since you called off your relationship with him. It has been hiding in the back of your head, popping up every once in a while when your heart aches for love and when your arms feel emptier than the streets after midnight. And amidst your heavy heart and cold tiles, your hands find their way to his. A faint apology falls off his lips, whispered in your ears. The moon watches you slip his shirt off his shoulders, your lips tracing along his neck while his hands find solace in your curves as if you’re the home they’ve been yearning for; an old spark ignites again, a beginning of something tragic. 

As the night dwells further into the darkness, the two of you are pulled back into the old cycle of healing and hurting, the give and take where both of you would be standing with your hands stained with losses by the time it ends. Your steps are heading towards actions you couldn’t reverse, and the very reason you broke up flashes in front of your eyes, though faded enough to have you ignore it. Guilt trickles through your fingertips, seeping through the cracks of his skin, his eyes gleam of remorse, and the moment your lips meet his’, fate decides to play into the hands of your history once again. 

IV. One step at a time

It didn’t feel right watching Heeseung being so busy even after resigning from his job. You always see him on his laptop, typing or reading something. Morning to evening, from noon to night, you’d see the lights in his apartment switched on, faint rumblings of furniture and numerous phone calls filtering through his walls and entering yours. He was busy, he was planning something huge, and you didn’t like the sound of it. 

You’ve come to a point in life where you can finally accept your pettiness and slash or, your jealousy. Maybe, it’s one of the few emotions you’ve been feeling over the past week, and now, you finally know the reason why. Waking up this morning, you imagined yourself in his shoes once again— without a job, without a secure financial flow, without a purpose or strong sense on what to do next, just as someone in the workforce who’s contributing to nothing. The furthest your imagination took you was to your terrace, you don’t know how you would live through a life like that. 

Some things about Heeseung have never made sense to you. While he might come off as someone who has plans prior to everything, you always see him as someone who lives his life based on a hit and trial concept. He does one thing, and if it doesn’t fit to his liking, he switches to other, and then other, and then he has a never ending cycle in his hands. You weren’t there when he got a job but you know how Heeseung looks when he is passionate about something. The evidence lies all the way back to university, or during the few months that you’ve witnessed him go to work before quitting abruptly. You’ve spent evenings trying to deduce a conclusion as to why he resigned, and every possibility leads you to the answer that it was a decision made in spur of the moment. A part of you thought about asking him for a reason if he ever had one, but you ultimately realised that a person like him doesn’t need a reason to choose something that he likes; no one does, except you. People don’t put a second thought when it comes to choosing what they like and what they don’t. They date their crushes, eat their favourite food, watch their favourite movies, attend concerts of their favourite artists; favourite, it’s a word that tends to solve most of the trivial problems that arise throughout one’s life. Perhaps, that’s another reason why you decided not to ask Heeseung about the night from two days ago. Even though you made the move, the most he can say about complying and giving in to your acts would be because he wanted to do so; no reason, no plans, nothing. 

Maybe, it was your fault. You could’ve taken one step at a time, starting from dinner, then something else— you don’t know what people do to get back with their exes. You’ve never done that, would have never if it wasn’t for Heeseung, because something about him has you gravitating in his direction. That’s why, you sit on his couch, the TV remote in your hands as a random show plays on the screen. Your eyes are rather focused on Heeseung, who sits by the kitchen counter, typing something on his laptop for the past hour. He has been busy with that lately. You pictured unemployment as lying on your bed all day, or pacing around your apartment uselessly, having the days feel longer and watching the time pass because you have nothing better to do. But, Heeseung is way too busy for someone who has recently resigned, he’s even busier than how he used to be. You asked him about it once, and he said it’s something he has been wanting to do for a while now. Heeseung never gave you the context, but you know he is putting his time into writing drafts for his book. 

Occasionally, you anticipate a small talk with him, but with no signs of Heeseung being interested in anything except his drafts, your eyes instead run all over his living room, taking a note of every single detail that exhibits his taste in interior decor that has changed over time. The wine coloured curtains are a little too vibrant to fit his choices of decors and furniture. You remember him planning out the living room layouts with you back in university when you were still together, when life was beautiful and you were impossibly happy. 

You find it amusing how quickly things change. It’s been years but if you’re being honest, it feels like just yesterday, you were accepted in the university you’ve been aiming for, as if just yesterday, you earned the scholarship, and just yesterday, you had met Heeseung. Your heart still picks up a pace at the sight of him.You’ve spent months thinking about the time you spent with him, regretting every move that led you to the decision to break up with him. You’ve had your fingers just centimetres above his caller ID, just impulses away from making a call, seconds away from asking him to get together back again, heartbeats away from giving into your desires. It started with your falling for him first, and you kept falling harder and harder until you realised that you were at the bottom of the pit and it was getting hard to breathe. You spent years trying to make your way up, step by step, and when you were finally by the edge, he came back and pushed you back to where you had started. You would say you hate him but a part of you wants to believe this could lead to something better than how it was last time, because things have started to feel a lot like love, and you’d like to take a chance with your broken fate yet again. 

“Heeseung,” You call once, voice low and quiet like a whisper, one that dissolves between the sound of television. You expect him to hear, but your words fly by his ears as if they’re of little to no importance. “Heeseung,” You say again, this time a little louder, eyes fixed in his direction, watching the seconds pass and waiting for a reply. For a second, you wonder if he’s pretending to not hear you deliberately, but you push yourself to sit up straight, hoping he’d hear you this time. “Hee,” 

And he whips his head in your direction. It was for a brief second, but you could see a hint of surprise in his eyes. You would’ve said you have accomplished something if Heeseung had spared you a little more attention, but his eyes go back to his laptop and before you know it, his fingers start dancing above the keys yet again. 

“What are we?” You ask, half hopeful, half defeated. You don’t know where the question comes from, or why you are even asking it. Your heart isn’t hoping for a happily ever after romance, your mind isn’t looking for a redemption arc. You’re not hoping for a good response, you’ve learnt to keep your expectations low after everything that has unfolded in the past. You’re not hoping, you tell yourself, but your soul knows otherwise. 

A second passes, then another, your mind starts coming up with answers to your own questions. What could you be? To strangers, you’re neighbours; to your friends, you’re exes; to yourselves, it’s a broad question. You could tell your mind that you’re in a friends-with-benefit relationship that has a terrible lack of communication and get away with it, but your heart knows it was supposed to be something wrong. 

“You tell me,” A soft laugh falls off his lips, it makes him sound like he’s lost as well, just like you. You take it as a good enough response but Heeseung stands up from his chair, making way towards his bedroom as if you aren’t even there, as if your question holds no meaning. You would’ve assumed his response meant that even if you both are without labels at the moment, you could be something in the future. Maybe, your actions from two nights ago would’ve lead to something good if he was less busier, but for now, all they do is guide you to the answer to your own question: 

A temporary fix. 

That’s what you both are. It’s exactly how it was back in university, a sense of mutualism with no sense of responsibilities. Things were obligatory, dates were barely a show to the world for your sorry excuse of a relationship. It started off like a fairytale, as if you both were supposed to meet, meant to fall in love, made for each other. In the first few weeks or even months, having Heeseung next to you felt like a blessing. A luxury to come home to someone, to have someone you can vent to about that one professor who kept dismissing your essays, someone who you can talk about your endless project and seminar ideas and they would reply with the same enthusiasm, someone who could make you feel like you’re seeing the world just by staying within the four walls of your messy apartment. Dating Heeseung had you believing in all the romance tropes you’ve ever come across, so much that you forgot that you’ve been living in a painful reality. 

You tried not to ponder over it so much. You went back to work once the weekends passed, back to your old excel sheets and same old job. Occasionally, you would wish he stayed next to you until you finished your work just like he did back while you were still dating, but you knew it was too much to even hope for. You would say, you’re going crazy. Perhaps, you shouldn’t think so much about the one-night-stand sort of thing you had with your ex, your neighbour. You both are adults, one without a job and other without the will to do the job, both brimming with unsaid feelings, tied to loose ends, holding onto unasked questions for answers, troubled by old memories and the future that was about to come. He deserved an explanation, you had an excuse to share. Whatever happened, was bound to happen. 

Sometimes, you wonder if Heeseung thinks about it as much as you do. Memories from that night haunt your mind like spirits, making it hard for you to focus on anything and everything else, yearning to feel his touch one last time. There are evenings when you’d come home in hopes of having a conversation about what would happen to the two of you in near future, but then you’d see his eyes glued to his laptop screen the moment you enter his apartment and you’d realise that it has only been you all along. Watching Heeseung do well even after giving up his job no longer induces anger or jealousy. Instead, a sense of inferiority floods inside of you whenever your eyes fall upon his figure leaning over his laptop, typing relentlessly with a content smile on his face. And the reason, once again, lies in the concepts of too many similarities and even more differences. 

Months ago, when you were still in Incheon, still bound to your old apartment and old lifestyle, there was a point when you had seen yourself at your lowest. You used to drag yourself to work, force yourself to smile, push yourself to make it through everyday. You struggled to do the bare minimum that was necessary to survive. You wouldn’t say your situation was any better than Heeseung only because you still have a job while he doesn’t, because inside the four walls of his apartment, he’s doing better than any other unemployed person out there. He’s doing better than you while you still had your job, while you still had money in your hands to spend on useless things. You spent months pulling yourself through just to make sure you don’t lose your job, and Heeseung resigns from his’ a little too easily. You feared every second that passed because you didn’t know what the future would hold, and if you still had a future, but Heeseung is sitting on his couch and writing as if he has nothing to worry about. You saw yourself for months, doing the same thing, in the same way, and Heeseung is living every minute as if it offers him something amusing. 

Life was always easier for Heeseung, and you wonder if this is the reason why you’re standing by his door with your nails digging into the palm of your hands. Maybe, if this is why you don’t try to strike a conversation and instead, walk out of the door as if you accidentally walked into the wrong apartment and now that you’ve realised your mistake, you would make sure you don’t repeat it and end up in the same place ever again. 

The next few days pass by rather slowly. 

You’ve been trying to keep yourself busy with work. Though it’s a bit hard to focus when everything else is plaguing your mind, things have started to get into place once again. Additionally, you’ve also been busy trying to grow a liking for your job after getting an earful from your boss. The truth is, you don’t exactly hate your work life. Materialistically, it’s perfect— a good environment, impressive benefits, a considerably loaded paycheck— it’s wonderful, but intellectually, you feel you’re at the same place where you started from. You haven’t gotten a new project in a while ( was kicked off the one that kept you motivated ) not a single new thing about work except reviewing documents and passing them on for signatures. One could tell you to quit and look for something you prefer to do, but resigning and pursuing something that you like, unlike Heeseung, is a luxury you never had on your side. 

Before you realised, it had already been a week since what happened between you and Heeseung. You wanted to talk about it, hoped to, but he’s harder to see than the most. You could see him through your kitchen that faces his bedroom. You would see his shadow roaming behind the curtains, a notebook in his hand, or a laptop, rarely. Heeseung likes to scribble his thoughts on a paper before settling with one, it’s something you’ve noticed back in the university when he spent nights working on his projects while you sat still at the corner of your bed. You can still watch him on and on for hours, sitting on his couch and imagining him walking up and down his living room while working on his drafts. 

Watching Heeseung is one thing you will never get tired of. It’s a little discovery on its own. Every step he takes and every move he makes tells you something new, something you hadn’t known before. You remember sitting next to him in libraries late at night and watching him study. It was supposed to be a simple observation, perhaps an intention to catch onto his tricks and tips to study, and suddenly you see him biting his nails as if his pores are dripping with nervousness. It made you feel better knowing that someone like him has his moments where he’s nervous, even scared, maybe more. Watching Heeseung was something you had on your daily checklist because those moments reminded you that he’s not all strange, that there are similarities, and that he also falls weak, just like you. Watching him felt like watching yourself, as if he’s more you than you are. It felt like taking a look into the mirror and realising that whatever souls are made of, yours and his are the same. 

But mirrors for each other's soul has a cost: by the time they part from each other, the individuals have become indistinguishable. Before their merger, they each yearned for the other; as they part, they part from self. Maybe, that’s why leaving him felt like leaving pieces of yourself and meeting him again felt like you could breathe once again. 

You can hate him for all the reasons why he is better than you and for all justifications you could offer to prove otherwise. You can spend hours explaining why life has been unfair to both of you, yet still he gets to have the better end while you always fall back to the start even after all the times you’ve tried. You can go out and tell the world your tales of misery and braveness, how you didn’t give up even after life dragged you beyond what could possibly be the worst, and you can complain your heart out about how Heeseung, despite having everything you could ever ask for, gave up all because it didn’t fit to his liking. You can call him a coward in front of eight billion people and would still find yourself in front of his doorsteps at the end of the day, just like now, because after all, he’s the only person who would welcome you with open arms. 

“Have you ever tried painting?” You ask while taking a look at all the loose sheets lying around on the centre table in his living room. It comes off a surprise when you find that what he has been scribbling behind his beige curtains were sketches of characters of his novel, rough and messy, some drawn seemingly in love while others had patches of pain in their eyes. 

“As a kid, yeah. My parents made me try almost everything out there,” He replies on his way from the kitchen with two coffee mugs in his hands; and amusingly enough, it would be the first time you’d be having coffee with him ever since you moved, because every other conversation was accompanied with alcohol or wine. “But paint brushes aren’t my forte, really,” You take one of the cups, nodding in the process. Your childhood wasn’t any different, despite the financial shortcomings. You remember taking extracurricular classes at least four days a week, all for different fields, art being one of those. You wouldn’t say your painting skills are worth exhibiting, but they are better than his. Maybe, that’s why you briefly consider pointing out his mistakes, telling him that he could try fixing the body proportions to make the figures look more presentable but again, you refrain yourself from doing so. 

Instead, you take your time observing Heeseung, again. 

A sip of coffee hits your system, you sit on the couch, watching him arrange the sheets into one place. Earlier, it seemed as if Heeseung didn’t care about you seeing his living room in such a mess, as if it’s something you’re allowed to see because it’s you. You notice the way he’s holding onto the coffee mug, you’ve always loved how his fingers wrap around its perimeter completely. It’s one of the things about him that you find attractive. He sits on the opposite end of the couch and you’re sent thinking about the last time you both sat like this, having coffee over silent smiles. One second, you’re thinking about all the good times you’ve had and the next, your mind drifts back into the thoughts from a few nights ago. 

The coffee started tasting bitter or maybe, it’s just your thoughts. From thinking about his hands in yours to the smile that used to warm up your evening, nothing seems to cross your mind except the way you felt when his lips captured yours for the first time in years; nothing compares to that, not even close. You thought it’d be fine this time ‘round, people don’t make the same mistakes over and over again. Meeting Heeseung again was like falling back into the hole you’ve been climbing up, but hitting the bottom never hurt. You thought things would work out just fine because you’ve grown up. You’ve learnt things, you know what you did wrong back then and you know exactly what to do to make things right. All these things, they ran an imaginary conversation inside your head where everything went back to normal. There was a point where you couldn’t distinguish between daydreams and reality, and the truth didn’t hit you until you were sitting on the floor of your shower, hyperventilating his name into your hands; and you asked yourself— is it so bad for people to just use one another?  

Because friends with benefits is also a relationship based on convenience, you don’t get why loving someone the same way is deemed toxic or simply unacceptable. If things had worked that way, you wouldn’t have ever ended up on this turn of life. You and Heeseung would kiss but won’t be in love, sleep next to each other but won’t be a couple, share your secrets but won’t be friends. He would be someone you would’ve seeked on evenings you couldn’t stop crying and you would be someone he could hold onto on days that made him feel like he couldn’t go further. Not lovers, but not friends, just something, someone you could use and not feel guilty about, someone who could walk away a hundred times without hurting you, someone you didn’t feel obliged to focus on. You both could’ve been someone who didn’t feel like a chore to each other. If people could just use each other, perhaps, you and Heeseung would have lasted longer. 

Commitments are hard. Loving is hard, because a day comes where you run out of all the reasons to love. You become selfish, starting thinking about the give and receive, the shortfalls, the absence. The part of your lover that you fell for becomes the very reason why you fall out of love. Instead of appreciating the times spent together, you start complaining about all the minutes that went in waste, all the days they weren’t by your side. You take a step away from the commitment you swore upon and then one day, you start walking away before you even realise. So, loving is hard, and it’s even harder to fall in love again when you’ve walked away once and you’re afraid to do it again, not because you don’t want to hurt the person you love, but because you want to save yourself from hurting all over again.

“How are you doing?” You ask above the silence, voice no louder than a whisper. You’re hoping for a conversation none other than about what happened that night. It’s not because you want him to take responsibility because you’re just as responsible for it, perhaps more. You simply hate how you’re the only one still hung over it, you hate how he can go on with his life without worrying about the things he did that have shifted the ground beneath you. 

“Good,” He replies, just as quietly. A pause follows, you feel his eyes on your while yours are still fixed on the mug, fingertips running circles along its rim. “Great,” And, you find another reason for why you’ve been acting lately. The worst part about walking away isn’t the realisation that you have to leave everything that once made you happy, but instead, it’s the hope that follows you everywhere you go. You hope that they’ll run after you, that they’ll stop you and tell you not to leave, that they’ll beg you to say and tell you they need you, but they never do, Heeseung never did. 

You look at him after much consideration, there’s a certain look of inevitability in his eyes. It’s not welcoming but it’s not pushing you away either. It’s like he’s telling you there would be a moment when you would look at him in a certain way, and you both would cross the threshold from friendship into something so much more. Perhaps, it’s just the mood of time or your imagination that has you seeing things, but you feel a certain innuendo in his gaze and the way it traces every patch of your skin, from your eyes to down your hands, threatening to transverse further down below. It could be an innocent play of eyes, a harmless action that doesn’t mean anything more than. . . something. 

It’s how you begin, your mouth against his, and his fingers tracing along the back of your neck. It feels euphoric and equally sinful, the way his lips move in synchrony with yours, fitting like puzzle pieces. Heeseung tugs you closer by your waist, a faint gasp escaping your mouth that dissolves immediately into your breaths mingling together. He’s pushing you back into the couch, your mind plays all the moments with him like a short film, it feels like a warning sign, but you’re far in too deep to pay attention to anything else except him. Every swivel of his head sends you down a spiral of pain and pleasure, you’re somewhere between pushing away and pulling in. You’re so lost, it feels like you’re on an island and Heeseung is the water. If you’re drawing, he’s the oxygen, if you’re falling, he’s gravity— his presence in your life is contradictory. He’s the reason you’re hurting, and the very reason you like every second of it. Heeseung pulls back, a gaze full of love, he whispers a sweet confession. 

“Date me,” he says. You don’t remember responding, and the next time those words flood back inside your mind is two days after the incident, when you’re laying on your living room floor with beer once again. 

You’re counting now, the amount of times you’ve ended up on the floor with beer, thinking about all your past actions and regretting. It kind of sounds funny to think about it, to think an adult can’t pull their life together and resorts to alcohol even at minute inconveniences. His words haunt your mind day and night, in sleep and when you’re awake, in happiness and in sorrow. It seems like you’re back to stage one, where all he ever did was look at you and all you ever could do was think about him for as long as possible. Focusing on work doesn’t help. You tried shifting your furniture from one corner to the other, avoided Heeseung for three days before he was at your door with the electricity bill that was accidentally given to him. Consequently, your alcohol intake has increased again, not that it ever went down, but frequent meetings at work gave you a reason to stay sober. As for now, you’ve been spending each day the same way, vegetatively, ever so stagnant, like water in an infected pond that is born to numerous parasitic diseases. Your refrigerator is getting emptier day by day, you feel too exhausted to buy groceries. Days transform into weeks, Heeseung leaves for Busan for a week. He didn’t tell you. You overheard it from the ladies in the elevator. Now, there’s a closed door in front of you everytime you open the door to your house. A door with letters and envelopes piling up, a plant that is drying up day by day because looking at it, you assume Heeseung had forgotten about it. When the energy to cook leaves your body, you resort to ordering takeouts. Missed calls from work are the only thing preventing your apartment from drowning in silence. When the last of your hope dies, you resign from work. 

You think you’re going crazy, because you get back to the cycles of standing in the balcony around the time Heeseung used to return from work. A part of you knows he doesn’t work anymore, heck, he isn’t even in the city, but you spend most of your day thinking about him. At times, you wonder the point of all this. You wake up, check your phone for any texts from Heeseung or simply anyone. Fifteen minutes pass and you drag yourself out of the bed, eat ramyeon, watch television, sit on the balcony with bear, watch the people come and go, eat ramyeon for lunch again, sleep, ramyeon for dinner— you needed someone else, something that would break you out of this vicious cycle. There are days when your own skin suffocates you, when the image in the mirror doesn’t feel like yourself but rather, a faceless person. You’ve spent hours sitting in the shower and letting the water prune your fingers. You let your tears wet the bed sheets. For some reason, it feels like you’re coming to terms with reality. 

As days pass by without Heeseung, you’re starting to realise your feelings, able to sort out things you want and don’t. You thought your dream was to live an average, normal life. Looking at it now, you don’t think it’s what you wanted, maybe you didn’t have a choice to begin with. You studied in a prestigious university, you had scholarships to support your tuition fee, you had a job that paid you well enough, you had everything any other person your age would desire, you had those things because you wanted to set an example. You lived for your siblings, you lived for your parents, you lived for the expectations that came with your intelligence and skills. Sitting in the bathtub as your mind revisits every decision you’ve ever made in life, not one was for yourself. Or maybe there was— loving Heeseung. 

Perhaps, at the end of the day, you wanted someone who would love you, someone who would watch you be selfish and slowly clap at the back of the theatre because you’re doing a good job, you’re choosing yourself above everyone else. Heeseung was the person, it’s the only thing you’re so sure about in your life. He was like a saviour in the apocalypse. He’d tell you to blather about your insecure mind that kept nagging you regarding all the things you couldn't do and, he’d explicate how exquisitely it told you lies that you believed. You thought you could reciprocate, but every moment spent next to him reminded you of things he was and things you could never be. You were scared he’d notice your insecurities, the voices tell you that you’re only worth abandoning. You guessed it wouldn’t be hard, you just had to hide your feelings, and years later, your decisions prove you wrong once again. You’re struggling to breathe under your skin, your heart desires for him, you’re falling in deep again, and you’re about to pack your bags. That’s how your life has always been, to avoid getting hurt, you hurt the people you love. 

Maybe, you need him after all. Heeseung was one thing you were certain of in your life— still is— but you had your pride ruling your life, and he had stars to reach. 

At some point during Heeseung’s trip, you pick up a paint brush. It’s a sudden decision, an impulsive move. You wake up one morning and your senses crave the smell of oil paints and brushes. You never had a talent for painting, not by a long shot. You attended classes back in middle school but had to drop out because of your family’s financial conditions. You think you’re trying to copy Heeseung. You both have unsaid words in the back of your mind, both need to convey their feelings one way or another. Heeseung picked a pen, you chose a paintbrush. It’s supposed to be therapeutic, you have heard about art therapy. There is no set subject, you draw whatever comes to your mind. Your first piece exhibits your kitchen. There are unwashed dishes, you used yellow to add a light glow except, you used a little too much of the colour. The second one, an apple from your fruit basket. Third, your ceiling— white, blank, empty, you’ve named it ‘My head’s ceiling,’ as lame as it sounds. Your fourth is the cat that roams the neighbourhood on most nights. You don’t know about anatomy, but you sure do see slight improvements with colouring. Your fifth and the last one is Heeseung from the night you met him for the first time after moving in, and then he finally arrives from his trip. 

“Did you miss me?” He asks you when you show up at his doors in a thin cardigan and a bottle of wine in your hands. Weather was never a problem, any place with Heeseung tends to feel warmer. You walk inside, eyes on the loose sheets lying all over his kitchen counter. You wonder how he will react after hearing about your resignation. 

“I missed drinking with you,” You may or may not have a motive behind your words, maybe you wanted to feel him against you once again, maybe the wine ends up being an excuse again, but the night doesn’t flow in that direction. You tell him about your resignation, he finds it funny after the ‘pep-talk’ you gave him when he resigned. You tell him about your newly found interest in art, he tells you to practise since you have plenty of time. His responses are short and specific, not a word more or less from what’s necessary. His eyes make their way to you once in a few minutes and the rest of the time, they’re on his laptop screen. There are so many things you want to talk about, you have so much to share, so much to do. You had plans for tonight, but all he offers you is a short talk. It’s as if you’re not important anymore, as if you’re the third person between him and his drafts, and he’s doing you a favour by not sending you back to your apartment. He’s being distant, it doesn’t surprise you anymore. Half of it is because of his drafts, the other half, his interest. Heeseung is passionate about what he does. Whatever he does, he sacrifices all of him, it’s about catching his interest. You pour yourself another glass, Heeseung asks you a few questions about his work in progress. You realise he’s losing interest in you, little by little. 

You sort of expected yourself to be better after his return, it turns out to be false. You’re still on your living room floor, hands and clothes having stains of reds and blues. You painted the wine bottle from last night. You haven’t got any sleep, the image of Heeseung pops up everytime you close your eyes. It feels like the world is giving you what you had given him long ago— all the pain and insufferable longing, all the reasons that made him believe that he deserved to be abandoned. When you got busy with studies and a job in your last year of university, ignoring Heeseung seemed to be the only way out of your hectic schedules. You had exams, a job to cater too, money was already a problem so you couldn’t afford giving him gifts on all the days they have made for couples. Heeseung used to show up with something new every single day and no matter how pretty it was, a part of you despised him because it made you feel inferior. Leaving Heeseung wasn’t an option, it was your only choice. He was the only thing you had that you could throw away. 

“Can we talk?” Heeseung shows up at your door on a Thursday morning with words that brushed away any traces of sleep in your eyes. It’s eleven, you woke up barely fifteen minutes ago, and you find him at your door; hands empty, no traces of his laptop or notepad. You think you’ve finally become one of his priorities, after all. 

“About what?” 

“Us,” He responded quickly, he came prepared. “I want to talk about us,” And there it is, confrontation knocking at your door. You’ve been waiting for this moment for a while now, for weeks and more, perhaps, and now that it’s in front of you, waiting for you to hold it’s hand and guide it inside, your body freezes under his gaze. It’s a game of push and pull, like a pendulum oscillating between two extremes. You want him to tell someone about you. The thought of you vanishing completely from his world is unbearable. You can’t stand the thought of being a silent tomb in his heart, you don’t want to be an inscription on the first page of his book. You want him to tell the world about you and promise you a forever, but a part of your heart gently reminds you of the impossibility of the kind of love you’re wishing for. It’s not Heeseung who you can’t trust, rather, it’s yourself. You’re scared of your demons. When things get happier, you get anxious because you might ruin it once again. 

“Do you want to come in for coffee?” And here you are again on your couch with mugs and words you’re busy burying inside. The situation feels oddly familiar, your eyes travel to him. There’s a look of dejection in his eyes. 

You join a wellness club a week after, and Heeseung is the first person to know about it. You saw the advertisement when you went to buy fruits two days ago. It didn’t interest you until you walked back home and found yourself in front of your mirror, thinking of what you were and what you’ve become. Your dark circles have grown prominent, your joints ache from the lack of movement. Walks with Heeseung after dinner are the only reason why you wake up everyday and eat your meals. You have your paint brush and wine, you have every reason to not live any longer. If it wasn't for him, you don’t think you would have been breathing at all. You look up the fitness club on Naver, take your time reading through the programmes they’re offering and the pricing. Maybe, this is the change you needed in your life. Not Heeseung, not money, not a job, but some time for yourself. A place to think about yourself and how you are doing, a place to be selfish without being ashamed of it. 

The first few days were nice, you met new people, saw new faces. One new thing in your life, apart from painting. The sessions mainly focus on meditations, you were never the most patient person in the crowd. Some sort of yoga follows before a break, and that is usually the worst part. You would sit on the wooden floor and watch others talk, their laughter and murmurs filling in the hall. It makes you feel like how you used to be in the university— in silence, by yourself. You had conversations with your mind, with your heart. You looked around and saw eyes looking at you. Every second felt like they were talking about you when in reality, the thought of you never crossed their mind. You were no one, despite being popular, it’s ironic, and you hate how the exact same thing started happening in the club. It would have hardly taken you five sessions to give up and get back to your routine of painting, drinking, and sleeping. When Heeseung asked, you excused it as boredom and unsatisfactory. Actually, you have started feeling better ever since Heeseung returned from his impromptu trip. With him next to you most of the day, you feel functional and sane. You feel like you could think again, you decide to get back to cooking your own food instead of ordering take outs or simply sleeping after drinking. You didn’t see the need to attend the wellness classes anymore until a few days before, when they texted about a trip in the groupchat. You tell Heeseung about it, he locks himself in his apartment for the following days to come. 

You don’t know how or why he made that decision. You spend hours everyday thinking about all the probable reasons, only to end up with nothing. After three days of consideration, you land onto the conclusion that you take too much of his time. It makes sense, of course, he’s busy, he’s working, he has a job, even if it’s basically sitting into his room all day and typing. You, on the other hand, don’t have anything. You have your issues that you project onto people, you have problems you try to ignore, you have indecisiveness and can’t decide what you actually want. You spend too much of your time thinking about if onlys and begging God for last chances. Days pass by without him, alcohol becomes your only solace. The voices in your head remind you of the consequences of your actions. They scream about the mistakes you make, laugh at your actions. They recite tales of how you tend to ruin the person you like, how you’re a parasite and Heeseung is a host, and how you feed on his blood to keep yourself alive. You wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, you feel like wanting to scratch off your skin. At times, you want to run to Heeseung and profess your love to him, tell him how much you want him, how much you need him. You have always been aware of your feelings, of what you wanted, but deep down, you’re afraid that you might be a worthless person after all. And now, you are the worthless person who is trapped in their own empty life. 

You want to try living your life as a different person. A life where you’re not you, and all the things you have now aren’t yours, good or bad. An alternate reality where Heeseung isn’t someone you meet at your lowest, where he isn’t just a use and throw to you. You want to go to a place where nobody knows you and live as if you have no history at all, you want to know how it feels to live without having people expect something from you. A life where running away isn’t the only thing you’re good at. You haven’t talked to Heeseung in five days and you're already on the way to his apartment from the supermarket after getting some fruits. Perhaps, you just want to live a life where his presence and absence wouldn’t mean so much to you, where it wouldn’t cost you your life and pride. 

When Heeseung opens his door and invites you inside without asking any questions, you realise he has been expecting you anyway. Heeseung gets back to writing, you’re left alone in silence yet again. You envy Heeseung. As a writer, he has an inclination to step inside someone else’s shoes, to get under their skin and see the world through their eyes. It’s a blessing, you think, to be able to live as a thousand different characters and experience a thousand different emotions, to be able to express them so beautifully in words and actions. If you were him, you’d live as a different person everyday, in a skin that makes you feel comfortable. You could be a pianist pretending to be nervous, or a ballerina with her broken shoes. When Heeseung doesn’t say anything for the next few minutes, you pick up an apple from the grocery bag in your hand and enter his kitchen to grab a peeler. It’s an old tradition between you two, to say things with actions instead of words, to hug each other when sad, to offer fruits when you’re in pain, to sit in silence when you are sorry. 

“I’m leaving tomorrow,” You say abruptly, letting words fall off your lips without control. Heeseung’s hands stop in the midst of typing, hovering over his laptop. When the sound of keys stops, the air starts feeling emptier and heavier than ever, sending a wave of shiver down your spine. 

“What?” A soft gasp, a voice of disbelief. “Why didn’t you tell me any time sooner?” 

“Well, I am telling you now,” 

“The night before you’re leaving,” 

“I would’ve told you sooner if you could take a break from whatever you’re writing,” A pause. You look at him, his shifts ghosts your sight and falls upon the apple in your hand. You’re looking at the document displaying on the screen, your eyes fall back on the fruit in your hand just a few seconds later. You wish for Heeseung to be more open with you, to yearn for you the way you do for him, to want so much that every moment without you feels like death’s hands around his throat. Maybe, he already does, maybe he wants to but couldn’t because the fear of you leaving yet again is eating him from inside. You have given him all the reasons to doubt himself and you as well, every reason to think thrice before knocking your door. Writing is an escape, you know he has his own problems, after all, how many times did someone pick and pen or and paint brush when they couldn’t pull the trigger? 

“When will you return?” He asks, a little unsure of the question, if he should even ask you. 

“One month,” And you respond, peeling the apples between your words. “It’s a paid trip from the wellness club I joined, some sort of detox, so I don’t think we’d get to talk much either,” Your thoughts aren’t sane, they’re all over the place, everywhere. It’s hard to walk, harder to crawl, it feels like you’re standing in a deep pit, the way out is in front of you but you don’t know how to reach up there. Calling it a detox sounds stupid, but you know you need it, it’s for you, for him, and for whatever the two of you are becoming. 

“It’s alright,” Liar. “It’s just one month,” 

Before you know it, you’re in his arms and you’re hugging him back. Perhaps, you missed the embrace, the warmth of loving and being loved. “Just one month,”

“I love you,” He smiles against your ear, arms pulling you closer. You’re stepping into happiness for the first time in months, you’re reminded of its previous betrayal. And you realise that the person you’ve been yearning for is the one you should step away from. 

V. Should you get back with your ex?

It’s been five years since Heeseung has heard from you. He has been waiting, but he doesn’t have time to sit back in his apartment while putting everything aside. He has been keeping himself busy with drafts and publishing, lost amidst plots and characters he created, living in a whole another universe as an escape from reality. It all makes him sound crazy, or rather, like someone who has been through severe grief. But, Heeseung has been busy thinking about all the new genres he can try and every single thing that he can include in his writing because no one can stop him, and his imagination means no bounds. After all, Lee Heeseung, after five years of waiting and working, has finally published his most awaited work. 

Heeseung isn’t used to distances. They drift people apart, as they once did the two of you, but he didn’t mind anything when it came to you. You were going to return within a month either way, and thus, he found solace in texts and calls while waiting for the days to pass. You’d send him pictures of the city while he’d forward you an image file of another blank document. For days, you both texted restlessly, between meetings, during meals, while taking a walk, before and after bed, it was as if you had returned all the way back to how your life was in university. On days you couldn’t make time to call him due to your busy schedule, he would leave voice notes regarding every single thing he has been up to. It was a small step towards forgetting the past since neither of you tried to talk about it. It was more of an attempt at ignoring your past mistakes and moving on, taking a mental note to not repeat them again. While the need to talk things out bugged both of you every night, you were just fine with whatever the two of you had at the moment. 

Things had started off good, but the two of you started hearing less of each other. His busy schedule or your lack of internet could be blamed. You really needed some time to yourself and it seemed to be the perfect excuse to not text him first, or even back. Days morphed into weeks, weeks into months, Heeseung was finished with the first draft for his next book. That was for you but Heeseung, again, isn’t used to distances. You would see his texts on the top of your notification bar, holding onto a fragile ray of hope that he’ll hear from you anytime soon. You’d see his missed calls, voice notes, emails, direct messages on social media, even a letter he sent once. You could feel guilt pool inside of you, realising that once again, you’re being the one to draw a line, to create distance and while you promised that they wouldn’t affect you both this time ‘round, you’re the very reason why they keep on increasing. But, Heeseung is good at these things, hoping, holding, waiting; he’s good at sad things. Perhaps, it’s just another thing he has come to learn because of you. 

When you didn’t contact him for another two months, he started reaching out to your friends and family. He called your friends and his friends, his family, even. It was like he was in a forest with a lantern, looking for treasure, and the flame went out. 

He used to think he could go a day without your presence. Without telling you things and hearing your voice back. Then, a day arrived when he found himself struggling to feel your presence but the next was harder. He knew with a sinking feeling it was going to get worse, and it wasn’t going to be okay for a very long time. 

Losing you wasn’t an occasion or an event. It didn’t happen once and instead, happened over and over again. Heeseung loses you every time he picks up your favourite coffee mug, whenever that one song plays on the radio, when he unconsciously scrolls all the down to the bottom of his messaging app, coming across your contact. He loses you every time he thinks of kissing you, holding you, or wanting you. He goes to bed and loses you, when he wishes he could tell you about his day and everything that he has planned for the future; and in the morning, when he wakes up and reaches for the empty space across the sheets— Heeseung begins to lose you all over again. 

“What inspired you to write this book?” And now, he’s sitting at his book launch event, a faint smile on his face, a good of pride gleaming in his eyes. Through the years, Heeseung has released short stories and poems; poems that he wrote while looking out of his window at every flight that flies by, hoping you’d arrive one day, while sitting outside next to your apartment late at night, while drinking your favourite wine knowing you would’ve had the whole bottle to yourself if you were to join him. Heeseung would sit on the cold tiles of his living room and let his mind paint a picture of you. The image of you in his mind is blurry, but he feels every emotion you gave him to this day. 

“A friend, my neighbour,” His smile grows wider, a little more filled with sorrow, yearing oozing through the cracks of his skin. “My ex-girlfriend,” Calling you his ex doesn’t seem right since the two of you never broke up. You need to be in a relationship to break up, and Heeseung and you weren’t anything. 

His first poetry work, ‘Red Wine,’ was written in the first few weeks after you stopped contacting him. Those were some of Heeseung’s worst days of life, days he felt like doing nothing except lying down and staying still until his systems gave up due to the lack of movement. He has written about you drinking red wine on the floor just like you do, and on the other side it’s him, cold and bleeding. You’re looking at him— he pictures you as such, and you continue to sip on your wine, watching him bleed. Is there a possibility of you and I? Heeseung wouldn’t know, for you enjoyed your red wine while his blood pooled around your legs, and you wouldn’t flinch because you wouldn’t know if it’s blood or wine unless you taste it, and you wouldn’t know if he’s hurting for you’re too busy dwelling in your own mind.   

“Did you get back with her? Is that why the book is named ‘How to get back with your ex’?” Heeseung thinks the question is rhetoric. Anyone can tell if he and you are together or not after reading the book. Few seconds pass in silence, it’s not the question he’s running from, but the answer that lies around. Heeseung doesn’t know if there was ever a point when you considered taking him back into your life with labels, just as how it used to be back in university. You waited for him at odd hours but never admitted to missing him. He confessed, you never gave an answer, but you kissed him as if he was a part of you that went missing centuries ago. Your touch bled with yearning, love rolled down your cheeks, and you never accepted your feelings. You’re not his lover, he likes to keep you as his favourite incomplete fish. 

“No, actually, we’re not in touch anymore,” Heeseung isn’t familiar with loss. He doesn't have a lot to offer, not at all. Lee Heeseung, in fact, doesn't have anything to give or lose, his hands are empty. He has a mediocre job that he resigned from over a mediocre reason, and a mediocre life, a mediocre apartment with some mediocre flowers in the mediocre vase a friend gave him as a congratulatory gift on graduation day. He has the same mediocre thoughts and books, tropes and genres, no new thought in a while; Heeseung, actually, has more to accept than to lose. 

To think, he has always been on the receiving end of life. 

The first month was the hardest. He started hearing less of you, and then none. Losing you, it was like experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Heeseung would pace around, hours on empty, looking obsessively at his phone to catch a hint of you, just one text, one missed call, anything. His editor continued to call him, even show up at his place, telling him to write, to do his job, but words don’t flow when you’re not around, and the thought of you pains his heart inexplicably. He knows he’s always talking about second chances, how there is always a second shot at things that slipped out of your hands. The day you cut off all contact with him, Heeseung realised that it was probably his last chance with you. He cried the first time the news of Bus M4107 crash on its way back to Incheon. He ran back to his apartment, avoiding getting hit by a lorry only by a few minutes, vision getting blurry as his mind started coming up with all the worst scenarios possible. Heeseung went through all his contacts, looking for names familiar to the two of you and begged them to try to get in touch with you. He spent hours looking at his phone, his eyes were like a searchlight. How they looked at the sky with such longing, how they always turned towards the door hoping you’d walk in any moment. Heeseung doesn’t care if you’re with him, he doesn’t mind seeing you across the street while pretending to be strangers. He doesn’t mind not being able to hold you. Even after all these years, even when he’s Korea’s bestselling author, even when he has everything he has ever dreamt for, his life has voids that remind him of you, but it’s fine. Things were fine, you left him one Sunday morning with his cup half empty. It was supposed to be just a month, but five years later, Heeseung pads around his apartment following your presence that still lingers around. Outside, the rain is already falling, there are still pieces of you behind every door, he can live just fine. He can live knowing you’re here, in this world with him, amidst the eight billion people. It’s better than accepting the fact that you’ve left him alone, forever. 

Fifth month was a little easier, Heeseung published his first short story. He was doing good, and had work to stop himself from thinking of you. Friends and family kept him busy, book signing events occupied most of his days. You didn’t leave his mind, you just started residing less. He thought of it as a routine— every morning, you’d leave his mind as his schedules began. He pictures you floating over the city, over the busy markets and sublime lakesides. You visit sometime in between, when he’s resting on his bed or enjoying his tea. You walk back in and tell him about everything you’ve seen. You talk about the balloons stuck in the tree, about the girl running behind her school bus, and then you leave again and he sits to write. You walk down the streets through the sunset, the fragrance of sea-food spinning in the air. There’s a couple on their first date, a group of friends taking pictures outside a hotpot restaurant, a wife waiting for her husband, a mother picking up her son, a family going shopping, and then you’d come back right before he’s going to bed. You’d tell Heeseung about them, your voice ringing in his ears. You kiss him goodnight, he goes to sleep, your thoughts are like a lullaby. And the next morning, the cycle repeats again.

Around the twelfth month, Heeseung found himself at his lowest. It had been a year since you left, a year since you disappeared off the face of earth with no trace of you even after investigation. The case was closed, Heeseung felt the ghost of you leaving his mind bit by bit. Your empty apartment had been sold off to a woman in her forties, he didn’t like the idea of someone else occupying the place that had once belonged to you. In his mind, you still live there, and you still spend your days lying on the living room floor with wine. The renovation began soon after, Heeseung found himself standing in the living room of your apartment. With every inch of wall painted, the absence of you caved in on him closer. Every inch of brush stroke on the wall covered the evidence of your existence, painting white over the pieces of you that you left behind the closed doors. It felt like a sign to move on, as if the world was forgetting you and so, Heeseung was supposed to do the same. It boils his blood to this day, his heart aches inexplicably. The universe knows you as someone who disappeared off the face of Earth, it doesn’t know you like Heeseung does. It doesn’t know the impact you have on his life, it’s unaware of the little things you did that changed his view about things. People are moving on, the media forgot about all the people who died in the accident. He doesn’t understand how everyone continued with their lives as if nothing ever happened. Twelfth month was the hardest for Heeseung. Disappearing memories of you from his mind froze his mind, he wanted to die, if it meant he could see you again. 

You see, getting back your ex isn’t always about the romantic feelings you had for each other. You can be friends with your ex, or neighbours, co-workers, and it would still mean you got back with them, because getting back together means putting the past behind and working together to help each other become a better version of themselves. Isn’t that what we do even when we start dating our exes; being better than how you were with them in the past, not repeating the mistakes that drifted you apart in the first place? Heeseung doesn’t mind getting back with you even if you’re a stranger he sees at the supermarket. It’s fine even if you’re someone he sees once a week at the subway. If there is even a little chance that you’re here, Heeseung is okay living with just a glimpse of you. He has waited five years, he will wait for fifty more. 

“Do you still love her?” A journalist raises the question, and Heeseung could ask himself the same thing over and over again, always ending up with the same answer: he doesn’t know. Saying that he does would be an overstatement because Heeseung doesn’t know where his heart lies, and denying it would be a blatant lie. So, instead, he likes to think of you as just someone who came into his life and lost her way out of it. 

Just someone who he met one night by the bar, someone he warmed up to so quickly that every single neuron in his body went off with alarms, alerting him of all the possible consequences about how this would take a tragic turn. It happened like this : he met you, and for some reason, he felt more connected to a stranger than anyone else— closer to you than his closest family. Someone who taught him what loneliness is because before you, Heeseung was used to doing things alone, on his own. Someone who made him rethink every life decision, someone who, he knew, would turn his life upside down, and still he let you do it. You were someone he spent his happiest days crying about and saddest moments reminiscing over. Heeseung gave you love, and in return, you gave him an insight on life, an important lesson, and an answer to all his whys and hows. Your love was soft and tacit with all hands and lips and hearts in tandem. It was like a storm and he was walking into it straight. Heeseung is an explorer, you were a traveller. You both met at the intersection, the lights went red, the world stopped for a brief second. He saw love in your smile, he wishes he could see more of it. But you had a plane to catch and Heeseung, he was already home. 

Dedicated to my ex-girlfriend, the one I didn’t expect to meet after years of trying to move on, one who left and came back as if nothing ever happened and turned my life upside down. I think it was obvious that this was about you anyway. I hope you are happy, wherever you are. I hope you’re still here. Thank you for being someone I could rely upon, for being my muse, for being my one and only love. 

—

Thank you for reading, ‘How to get back with your ex’.

[roachliquid]

It's been my observation that when a lot of people think of cults, they imagine something temporary. A founder starts something, people join up, a few decades to by, the founder dies, the group falls apart.

In practice, this is often not the case. Cults can survive the death of their leaders, and depending on the circumstances, can even be made (at least temporarily) stronger for it. They often last long enough to form splinter groups, sometimes with new members of the community stepping up to take the leader's place, sometimes not. And then those groups can last another few decades before splintering off again, restarting the cycle and keeping the horrors alive for another generation. Sometimes they don't need to splinter, because they've picked up enough momentum to be self-perpetuating, a successive series of replacement leaders keeping the momentum going.

Cults can go back centuries. And this is something that is so, so important for people to understand, because often when they hear that you were the victim of cult abuse they assume that you were inducted into it - and of course, that does happen and is no less horrible, but it's a markedly different experience from being raised in it from the time of your birth.

Being taught nothing, nothing, outside of what the cult teaches and the bare minimum needed to survive.

Internalizing, as a child with no independent access to information, the message that you need the cult and would be irrevocably doomed without it.

The horrifying trauma, when you finally discover (if you finally discover) that it's all bunk, of realizing that your entire life up to this point has been built on a lie. The years you spent being miserable, being terrified, doing your best not to fall from the cult's graces, were all for nothing. Wondering what you could have been and done during that time, and knowing that it was stolen from you and you will never get it back.

Literally not knowing anyone outside the cult, and having to find your own way despite the fact that your parents deliberately never taught you how. Having to completely rebuild yourself as a person, because who you were before this point was a creature built to serve, not to think or make choices or grow in new directions. Having to accept that a world you were taught to fear and despise is the only place where you really belong, and adjust to living in it and not shrinking fearfully from every stranger who crosses your path.

And when you try to talk about what happened to you, no one understands. They can only imagine a childhood like their own, born and raised with the freedom to choose, and they act as if you somehow chose, as if the people who indoctrinated you presented your infantile self with two equally well-argued possibilities and then simply urged you to pick one in specific. They see the cult from the outside, and of course it's ridiculous, of course it's horrible, why would anyone willingly submit to that?

No one does. Cults don't run on willing converts, they run on deception and coercion. Imagine that all that started before you were old enough to walk, and was the only life you knew for the first twenty years. I didn't choose to be a cult member, my mom quite literally picked it out for me.

I did get out, eventually. It wasn't a matter of being smart enough; it was a combination of luck, unmonitored Internet access, and some of the very traits my parents drilled into me backfiring on them hilariously. Not everyone is as lucky as I was. Not everyone has the means and the incentive to find their way out. My parents were born into the cult and they will die in it.

That might be what hurts the worst - losing the people who were my whole world as a child, because they're too afraid to consider that they might have been wrong.

[animeloverskylarmoon]

Mayuri Kurotsuchi (Bleach) -Oneshot

You weren't certain how you got so unlucky. Ichigo always told you that this captain was a psycho. You should have taken it more seriously. Because when you discovered your abilities, the Head captain assured you that they would be able to help to avoid another breakdown like you had in the world of the living.

Splitting a building in half.

You were scared. Terrified that you would hurt someone. You'd gotten lucky that the structure was abandoned, but the next time you wouldn't be as fortunate. So here you were, in the soul society, hiding.

"I just need to make it to Rukia, then she can open that freaking portal and get me out of here."

You had one meeting with Mayuri Kurotsuchi and that was enough. He went on a tangent about all the experiments he wanted to conduct and it became clear that he had no interest in helping you hone your skills.

"There she is Nemu."

You flinched from your spot behind the wall. You weren't even offered a chance to run.

"W-Wait!!"

"Knock her out."

With a swift tap to the back of your head, your vision faded.

~~

"Such bothersome creatures, humans."

You were laying on the table and Mayuri moved closer, holding the needle.

"Master, if you'd explained to her that we were actually trying to help she might have been more willing."

Mayuri just grinned.

"Everything I do has a purpose. Powers such as hers are typically more prominent when she's in fear. I was merely checking to see if I could urge a fraction of that energy. I was right. You saw it didn't you?"

Nemu nods.

"Yes master, her reiatsu is quite raw. Humans in the world of the living are quite unique."

"Indeed they are. I will enjoy this."

He pressed the needle into your skin, watching the liquid slide beneath your skin as he stepped away.

"Now we wait until she wakes up. You're dismissed."

"Yes master." Nemu bowed, walking away.

Mayuri's gaze moved back to your form. You shifted against the table, and his eyes narrowed.

"Is she waking already?"

You should have been asleep for at least another hour, especially with what he'd just administered into your bloodstream. He placed the needle down, moving closer. Your eyes opened lazily, and Mayuri just folded his arms.

"How unusual, you're already awake."

It took a moment for you to gather your bearings, but when you did, your eyes shot open. You jolted upright.

"What the hell did you-"

Your statement dropped at the end, and your body disappeared. Mayuri grinned, and you staggered when you reappeared a distance away, eyes shaking in shock. You straightened, and Mayuri just watched you proudly. Your eyes drifted to your hands.

"W-What just happened..."

"I believe I fixed your problem."

You just stared at him. Because although he'd literally kidnapped you and possibly slipped some crazy evil genius serum in your veins, you couldn't deny that something felt different. It all felt lighter, like you'd dropped some heavy weight.

"Would you like to learn more?"

His grin was wide, because you knew he could see your eagerness to understand what happened. He would no doubt put you through some crazy trails, but your curiosity was brimming. You needed to know.

"I do."

Exactly what he wanted to hear.

~Four Months Later~

"WHAT THE HELL MAYURI!!"

You were being chased by a hollow and Mayuri just watched.

"I told you that your reiatsu was growing. You should never let your guard down."

"NO SHIT!!"

You spun around, clenching your fist. When it jumped at you, your legs grounded and you fired a punch. The base of your hand connected with its mask and the shockwave of energy caved the hollow's mask in, sending a rush of wind that batted against the trees present. The hollow disintegrated almost instantly as the wind began to level out.

You huffed.

"Impressive, your spiritual pressure has grown quite a lot. Your abilities are still very sloppy, but there is always room for improvement."

A vein popped on your head at the statement.

"I'LL SHOW YOU SLOPPY!!"

This was nothing new.

Mayuri made you his little lap dog. Always testing out his crazy theories on you. The first time you mastered flash step, he'd failed to tell you that you were close to the Kuchiki clan's residence. So when you landed in Byakuya's koi pond and killed some of his precious fish, it's safe to say that you'd spent that night in the fourth squad barracks getting healed by Hanataro.

He was a menace to society. An effortless genius, but a bastard. After your outburst, you'd left and headed to hang out with Nemu and her little association. She was having tea with some of the other female reapers.

"Then he says that I'm sloppy, do you believe that!!"

Okay, so maybe you just came to vent.

Rangiku laughs.

"That does sound like him."

You sighed heavily.

"I just wish he'd help me without it always turning into me ending up with a dozen bruises. Is that too much to ask?"

" I understand you might be skeptical, but Master must have faith in your abilities."

You snort.

"Like if, he just enjoys having me around to mess with." You grumbled.

Nemu wore a smile.

"Master has never taken interest in anyone who wasn't on some level important. Especially humans. In his eyes, there is worth. It may not seem like it, and he will never say it, but to him, you matter."

The statement was not what you were expecting.

You didn't want to talk about it further, so you grabbed a cup of tea and downed it like alcohol as Yachiru cheered in the background.

As you were making your way back after hours of venting, her words still wouldn't leave you.

That's why when you headed to his barracks, it was just a distraction. Your trips to the soul society were usually you hanging out with Mayuri and ending up in some kind of crazy situation.

Although that was the truth, you could have walked away at any time. You didn't have to keep coming back.

"So why do I.."

You couldn't answer the question.

"He will never say it, but to him, you matter."

You blushed as the words played back.

"I-IT'S NOT LIKE I LIKE HIM OR ANYTHING!!"

"Quit your yelling."

The nonchalant voice was expected. You hadn't even realized that you walked into his personal lab.

The blue haired male standing before you was not who you expected to see.

"W-WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!!!"

"Would you seize the yelling."

His voice sounds agitated and you just pointed dumbly, because you knew that voice.

"M-M-Mayuri!!"

He ran a hand through his hair, disinterested.

"Who else would it be? Do you think I would let some stranger into my personal space to exploit my discoveries? I'd quicker dissect them."

A creepy smile grew on his face and you sweatdropped.

"Yep, that's definitely him."

It took you a moment to realize his hair was dripping, as if he just came out of the shower. He was moving around the room casually, yet you still kept your distance.

This was weird.

Your silence must have finally drawn his attention, because he turned to you, and your face heated up.

"Why are you suddenly so quiet?"

"N-No reason!!"

You waved frantically.

He didn't seem to buy that. With one step, he was standing right in front of you.

Mayuri leaned slightly to match your height, wearing that know it all grin.

"Did you fall in love with this face?"

"T-THAT'S RIDICULOUS!!"

His stupid smirk didn't leave, and all you wanted to do at that moment was punch him if nothing but to stop your embarrassment. His hand slid behind your neck, and you meant to question it, but his lips were suddenly pressed to your own, and all you could do was gape like a fish. His sapphire tresses tickled your forehead, and you couldn't help but take in the scent of his wash. It was almost intoxicating.

His tongue drifted over your lips teasingly and you couldn't stop the sound that escaped. Mayuri pulled back, tauntingly. Enjoying the dazed look in your eyes.

"You're transparent, (Y/N)."

You swallowed. Because during the entirety of your partnership, he'd never called you by your name. Nor has he ever looked at you like that.

"Nemu was right.."

It seems you've gained the attention of this crazy genius. You weren't sure if that was a good or bad thing.

[brainjvice]

Hi!!

I was absolutely amazed by your analysis of Kaiser a few weeks ago. And I wanted to ask if you think that with a therapy he could like honestly love someone??

I've been thinking about it pretty much and I was reading a whole bunch of sites about c-ptsd and narcissistic features but I feel like I'm too dumb to make a statement 😔 i just almost hysterically don't want to mischaracterize him 😭😭

Sorry for all this yapping, have a great day!! <33

Wiiii anon I imagine you're referring to this! Thank you so much ksgdhg I am flattered you liked it this much <3

I want to preface this by saying that Love is a complex feeling and I won't use the term in a strictly romantic way. That + Kaiser is a complex character and I think his actions can't be interpreted through Black and white lens. There's a lot of nuance in his actions and in his emotions and everything I will say is up to my personal interpretation of the character.

Now, to answer your question: yes.

Even present Kaiser is capable of love. Of course, he experiences it in a vastly different way compared to most people and wouldn't manifest affection in a "canonical" way.

Unfortunately, Kaiser has never experienced love, and he's well aware of that, so he has a hard time both to recognise, to express and to react to the emotion.

And he knows that. He knows that when someone tries to give him love, he reacts with violence, because he's only known violence since he was a child. See how he reacted to people being kind towards him for the first time. See how he called Ness "loser" the first time they interacted (and he was supposed to. charm and manipulate him lmfao-- I mean he still managed to do that but it's because he was lucky Ness as well doesnt know anything about love).

Now. Ness. Do I think Kaiser loves him? In his own twisted way, yes. He loves him like you love a pet. He loves him like he used to love his ball. He loves him like his dad loved Kaiser, with violence and control.

Violence is his safe place. So every emotion and feeling he experiences is perceived through violent lens, love included.

And I love LOVE that he is self-conscious enough to know it, yet doesn't have the neccessary means to not fall back into the same loop. At the same time, given the shit he went through, he's already doing amazing lmfao.

Also, I know I've already seen someone else state this but I unfortunately don't remember who it was, Kaiser probably projects onto Ness, the same way he projected onto that ball when he was a kid.

("You beat it up but he still comes back" -> does this imply that Kaiser had loved his father in some ways? Could be. There's lots of grief when it comes to suffering abuse from what was supposed to be your safe person. Kaiser is still in survival mode, which is very understandable, so I don't think he's gone through that part of the process Yet. Anyway.)

In therapy he could learn how to accept love and express it in a way that doesn't cause damage to other people.

Kaiser craves love but at the same time has a hard time receiving it. The fact he barely feels human doesn't help. He's so disconnected from his body and probably has an unstable image of self (look at the tattoos, his hair, etc. He wants to Represent something, he's trying to craft his own image and probably sees himself as a doll to dress up). He also. Doesn't really like himself in general lmao. So he would find it so hard to actually feel loved by someone.

He would also need to manually learn to be empathetic. He's already emotionally intelligent enough to know what to say to make someone feel a certain way, but for now he's just using it to manipulate/unsettle people in general. If he wants to reach his ultimate goal (which is to be actually loved) he needs to make the effort of not letting the mental illness take over.

It will be hard lmfao since he loves LOVES having power/control over people - it's safer this way, so I don't really blame him. You can't get hurt by someone if you control them, right? Right (Rip Ness). But he may eventually come around it in the name of the greater good.

Also!!! A thing he would do when it comes to a romantic partner is to follow the societal expectation but make it bigger. Kaiser would absolutely take inspo from romantic movies, and lowkey highkey use them as an inspiration to properly court someone.

He would do it more as a way to show off and mark his territory/scare away potential rivals. To him, courtship is a power-based game. He puts on a show and makes the effort to appear as the Best potential partner, but thats it. He wouldnt be too interested into actual dating. The chase and conquership of the final price is more thrilling than what comes afterwards. In my mind, he would be the type to flirt around, conquer his "prey", but never take them to bed. The ego boost that comes after knowing someone wants to fuck him has more value than actually fucking them lmao, and the power that comes off telling the person that he is not interested in taking them home? Yeah, that's another thing he would love.

Now, of course, in terms of both partnership and friendship, he may need to have strong-minded people by his side. People he can't manipulate and don't trigger his prey drive narcissistic tendencies.

Someone who doesn't people please and, most importantly, who can partially understand him. Kaiser would hate to feel vulnerable, and his defensive walls are all up high. He needs someone who acknowledges said walls but isn't necessarily interested in breaking in and waits for Kaiser to come closer at his own pace.

The person needs to be sonewhat caring, but not in a way that makes Kaiser want to take advantage of it. He wants to be taken care of, but babying him would be a mistake.

I think the only way to date Kaiser is to skip the dating part. No courtship, no games. At some point, he finds himself lounging in someone's livingroom and decides that the couch is too comfortable to leave. That's it.

At the end of the day, he is nothing but a cat.

[ouralcohol]

Let You In

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x fem!reader 

Summary: what happens when Bradley finally lets you in?

Tags: angst, lots of angst, 18+, allusions to sex, soft, maybe some fluff if you squint your eyeballs

Author’s note: I saw a gif and immediately got inspired. Some people inspired this too... enjoy... comments and reblogs make the world go 'round.

This was the first time you had done this with him. You didn't think that you would have gotten this far with him if you were being honest with yourself. Bradley Bradshaw always had a line of women lined up around the corner whenever he was in town. The reason you knew this was because for as long as you could remember, he always had some kind of arm candy with him whenever he went to the local bar while he was in his hometown of Virginia Beach.

From the last couple of years that you had known him, you never thought that you would get here. More specifically, get here with him. You had always wondered what it would be like to be with him underneath the sheets. Anyone that had eyeballs and a sense of taste would agree. So, what had changed? What had made the line between friends to… whatever this was, blur? You weren't exactly sure, perhaps it had to do with his near death experience? Or was it your signature sundress that you happened to wear every time he strolled in?

The dress was bunched up somewhere on his apartment floor right now… not that it mattered. What mattered was that you were here with him.

Out of all the girls he could have chosen-- he chose you.

You never asked him how long he was here, but you did notice that he was coming around to the bar more frequently. The fact of the matter was that Bradley was good, he was very good in bed. The naval aviator had made you see stars in a manner that you never seen them before. Everything was different with him.

There was some faint music that hit your ears. You stirred from your slumber as your hands rubbed the tiredness from your eyes. This had been one of the most restful sleeps you had gotten in a long time. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. Stress was never your friend and you hated it. However, on this particular night, you had slept like a rock. It took you a couple of seconds for your brain to register where you were. The surroundings were not familiar, but you felt at ease. The photo frame on the nightstand made you smile as the moonlight shone upon the frame.

You were in Bradley's bed in his Virginia home. You noted the owner was missing. Ah, so that must be the source of the music, your brain thought as you looed around for your underwear. And idea sparked as your eyes saw that one of his Hawaiian shirts was also on the floor. Contrary to popular belief, you had come to find out that he only owned four, maybe five shirts in total. Your hands grabbed it as you ever so carefully slipped it on, afraid to wrinkle it even more. You didn't even bother to button the oversized shirt. It didn't reveal anything-- maybe some side boobage, but rare if that. Your feet carried you out into the hallway and walk closer to where the music was coming from. The melody that was playing was very different from the lively jigs that the common folk were so attuned to. It was a much slower and softer tune, melancholy even. Curiosity filled you as you inched closer, the music getting louder.

There were many sides to Bradley. People only saw what they wanted to see. People only heard what they wanted to hear. Everyone saw him as an energetic, happy-go-lucky kind of guy, but there were fleeting moments where you happened to glance his way and he was staring off into space for a brief second-- lost in his own thoughts. You never made any mention of it as it wasn't your place to ask. You were friends, but you didn't feel like he was comfortable enough to let himself be a certain way with you.

You being you, wanted to know everything about him. You wouldn't lie to yourself and say that you weren't infatuated, because you were. Every girl at the bar was infatuated with him whenever he walked in. The music factor was a bonus and caused them to leave their tongues hanging out. The way some women gawked at him was incredible. You didn't understand how you could feel this way toward someone that you hardly knew. If you only knew.

Once you had stepped into the small open space and saw his broad shoulders hunched over the piano, your body instantly relaxed. You hadn't realized that you had been nervous, your heart beginning to hammer in your chest with anticipation. You should have known what to expect, but you didn't know exactly what was in store. It's not like you slept with every guy… and it only made you wonder how many girls he had brought home. Seeing his fingers touch the keys so fluidly reminded you just how skilled he had been a few hours ago while making you see heaven on Earth. He wasn't wearing much, only his boxers-- he didn't even have to try to do anything and he looked so handsome. With his locks a little messy, but still so good that made you want to run your fingers through his hair like you had done a while ago.

The image floated in your mind which made you squeeze your thighs together before making your way to where he was sitting down. You had your hands behind your walk while you stood next to the piano. Bradley immediately noticed you, his eyes stuck on your face as his fingers continued to move across the keys so effortlessly-- a softer tune now, "Sorry if I woke you up." Bradley uttered. "Couldn't sleep?" You asked suddenly feeling shy, exposed even. You felt like you were invading his personal intimacy with his piano. Bradley Bradshaw's eyes did not stray from yours, not even for a second. His fingers came to a slow stop-- the ringing of the notes lingering in the air.

The thick tension that caused all of this to happen between you both, had returned. It enveloped you and him in an imaginary bubble. You swallowed thickly as you felt his hand circle around your wrist to bring you in front of him. Your body was encased between him and his piano. Bradley's big strong hands held you in place, eyes still locked on yours. "No. I can never sleep anymore." The pilot whispered to you. You let out a slow breath. He was letting you in. "May I?" You gently queried as you brought your hand up to his face. Bradley nodded, "Close your eyes." You told him with a quiet voice. He did as you asked without hesitation, his body tensing.

You shifted your body slightly-- hitting some random keys in the process so you could have better access to him. You placed your index finger on his neck and ran down his scar ever so delicately. Some would say it was a featherlight touch, you just didn't want to overwhelm him with the sensory that was going on. He wasn't a porcelain doll by any means, but you also felt like he didn't let people touch sensitive areas that reminded him of his past. Bradley inhaled sharply and you hesitated for a split second before continuing. Moments that only took seconds felt like a complete eternity to you, maybe for him too. Everything happened in slow motion for you. The area surrounding you both dissolved and you felt like you were floating and all of time had stood still with Bradley in front of you. Once you finished tracing that scar, you transitioned to the ones on his chin. The contrast of your soft skin against the stubble of his was making your insides melt. You noticed that Bradley was very still. A part of you wanted to tell him that it was okay, that it was just you. However, something inside you refrained you from doing so, though, a little voice in the back of your head was telling you that this silence was exactly what he needed. You took your index finger back and used your pinky to touch the scar on his lower cheek near his mouth. Then the one near his ear. The pilot let out a shaky breath through his mouth, as he opened his eyes, still fixated on yours. Your heart was going a mile a minute, hand slightly shaking from the sensation that this caused you.

He was giving you a tender look, almost like he could finally breathe again. "Moonbeam." He said, "Bradley." You responded with your hands still on his face. The nickname had stuck after a second meeting, something he had never clarified with you. It wasn't common, and you didn't question him. You waited for him to speak, for him to say anything.

He turned his head face down and pressed his forehead against your abdomen, the grip on your hips tightening as he said something that you couldn't make out. "What?" You gasped before you could stop yourself. You felt the air he was breathing linger in your lower abdomen, as he spoke a little louder, "You make me feel less lonely." Once your brain registered the words that had been told, you wondered if he had brought anyone here. "Oh?" You queried him, hopefully not pushing him too much. Bradley picked his head up again as he looked back up at your face, "I don't bring people here. There's so much… but.. with you.. things feel easier." He managed to say, his voice slow and even. You could tell this was taking a toll, but you waited calmly. Your heart was instantly breaking and re-stitching itself as the words echoed in your brain.

Bradley Bradshaw was a sweet man. Bradley Bradshaw was someone that deserved to be love just like anyone else. Your thumb began to caress this cheek as he inhaled again, breathing you in, taking all of you and getting drunk from your scent alone. "I'm the first person you bring here?" You asked unable to stop yourself as your other hand went to the other side, now cupping his face. He nodded slightly, "I'm always moving about, but you've been the one consistent person here in Virginia… the bar is consistent, I wasn't expecting you to be there every time either." Perhaps, that was the catalyst of this all. You were usually there with friends, but tonight had been different. You were alone. Bradley was alone. Two people alone together was better than one.

This man was telling you everything with his body language, and you were listening very intently. "How are you feeling now?" You asked curiously as your lips pressed to his forehead. Your body began to feel at ease as his words continued to flow out of his mouth, "At ease." A scrunched up smile filled his features as you let out a soft laugh. The next movement surprised you, causing you to sit back on the keys while Bradley stood up, towering over your body as his hands went down to the hem of his shirt and dipped under to touch the soft flesh that was your skin. You blinked a couple of times as you said, "Why moonbeam?" You sputtered out, almost unable to form a coherent sentence. The pilot then brought his forehead to the crook of your neck, "…it's stupid." He whispered against your skin, causing goosebumps to rise and an involuntary shiver to go down your spine. "It's not stupid if I like it.." You remarked as your hands fell to your sides, your head tilting back to allow him more access your hair falling behind you cascading on top of the piano. "Whenever I leave for a mission or I'm gone for a tour… I just look at the moon and think of you." A shy boy spoke to you, but you didn't care, "You think of me?" You queried him again. The questions were pouring out of you now. You didn't know when you would get another chance like this and you would take it with everything you had.

His head snapped up to meet your gaze again, his hazel eyes boring into your own. Bradley then grabbed your hand and placed it over the erection in his boxers, a gasp leaving your mouth, "Don't you see what you do to me? How could I not think of you?" He asked, sounding equally as shocked as you were in asking, "I don't know, Bradley. Tonight was our first time together.. and I was just never sure, I guess." A small shrug followed your words, but you couldn't think anymore as he fiercely grabbed you by the hips and set you down on top of the piano before his hand wrapped around your neck. Your lips made a little oh face as his index finger trailed ever so slowly down the front of your body, between the fabric that was his shirt. You felt yourself arch your back in response to his advance while closing your eyes, thinking of the bliss that he was going to cause you again.

Your feet hit another set of random keys as you planted them on there, his mouth on your belly button while he distinctly said, "Make me forget again. Give me euphoria." Bradley Bradshaw told you. You frantically nodded as his hands pulled down your panties. You got the sensation of the cool air, but didn't budge.

Your questions would be answered later. For now. You would get lost with him in the bliss that you both created when two lonely souls met.

This was were you belonged.